1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:10,147 --> 00:00:13,519 Give it up now for Jay Jurden! 4 00:00:33,961 --> 00:00:37,567 Oh my God, thank you so much, New Orleans. 5 00:00:37,701 --> 00:00:39,137 I'm so happy to be here. 6 00:00:39,271 --> 00:00:40,841 So happy, 7 00:00:41,743 --> 00:00:44,047 so happy, y'all, I have been traveling, 8 00:00:44,181 --> 00:00:46,385 I've been going all over this country on this tour, 9 00:00:46,518 --> 00:00:48,255 I've been going to little blue dots. 10 00:00:48,389 --> 00:00:52,164 Now do you know what a blue dot is, New Orleans, Louisiana? 11 00:00:53,666 --> 00:00:55,106 Okay, if you don't know, a blue dot, 12 00:00:55,203 --> 00:00:57,041 it's a liberal city in a conservative state, 13 00:00:57,174 --> 00:00:59,946 so imagine a fun place instead of a not so fun place. 14 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:04,121 It's just, think, a prostate, because... 15 00:01:04,254 --> 00:01:06,725 what is America but a prostate? 16 00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,964 And I believe that's a poem by Langston Hughes. 17 00:01:09,098 --> 00:01:11,568 Okay, good, y'all are my type of crowd. 18 00:01:11,702 --> 00:01:15,177 Now my favorite thing about blue dots is when you go, you meet the best person. 19 00:01:15,310 --> 00:01:18,616 The person who is kind of backwoods, but also kind of progressive, 20 00:01:18,749 --> 00:01:22,992 so they say stuff like, "Well, my gun is non-binary, 21 00:01:24,495 --> 00:01:28,469 and it's also polyamorous, so both of y'all can get it." 22 00:01:29,772 --> 00:01:31,709 And, y'all, that was my experience in Austin. 23 00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:35,116 I went... I went to Austin, Texas, 24 00:01:35,249 --> 00:01:37,621 then I went to Portland, Maine, I love Portland, Maine. 25 00:01:37,754 --> 00:01:40,226 Y'all, it was so white, it was blinding. 26 00:01:40,359 --> 00:01:43,200 When I went to Portland, Maine, I saw seven Black people, 27 00:01:43,333 --> 00:01:45,570 and when I saw the seventh Black person, he said, 28 00:01:45,704 --> 00:01:47,707 "Hey, stop counting us." 29 00:01:49,312 --> 00:01:51,917 And I said, "Six and a half." 30 00:01:53,186 --> 00:01:56,125 And then after that, y'all, I went to Vancouver, Canada, 31 00:01:56,258 --> 00:01:59,265 not as a spy, as a refugee, I said, "Please, please." 32 00:01:59,398 --> 00:02:02,204 No, so when I was in Vancouver, y'all, I'm pretty liberal, 33 00:02:02,337 --> 00:02:06,145 but that place, whoo, too much, okay, a little too much. 34 00:02:06,278 --> 00:02:09,085 When I was in Vancouver, Canada, a white man looked at me 35 00:02:09,218 --> 00:02:12,357 and wished me a happy Chinese Lunar New Year. 36 00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:16,599 You could just say you were late for Kwanzaa, my man, all right, 37 00:02:16,732 --> 00:02:18,236 or early for Black History Month. 38 00:02:18,369 --> 00:02:20,449 And then after Vancouver, y'all, I went to San Diego, 39 00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:23,245 I went to San Diego for comedy, but I love the zoo, 40 00:02:23,379 --> 00:02:25,016 I love zoos, I love zoos, 41 00:02:25,150 --> 00:02:26,963 because I want to be this close to something that could kill me, 42 00:02:26,987 --> 00:02:28,790 that's why I still tour in the South. 43 00:02:28,924 --> 00:02:32,164 Now, when I went to San Diego Zoo, I said, 44 00:02:32,298 --> 00:02:34,098 bring me to the most dangerous animal you got. 45 00:02:34,168 --> 00:02:36,372 They instantly took me to... the koalas. 46 00:02:36,505 --> 00:02:39,245 Now, koalas are dangerous, because koalas have... 47 00:02:39,378 --> 00:02:40,414 Chlamydia. 48 00:02:40,547 --> 00:02:43,119 Yes, sex ed is working, yes, 49 00:02:43,252 --> 00:02:46,191 koalas have chlamydia, so this has made it to the zoo staff, 50 00:02:46,325 --> 00:02:48,864 and so now zoo keepers, before they give a tour, 51 00:02:48,998 --> 00:02:52,070 they say stuff like, "Yes, some wild populations of koalas do have chlamydia, 52 00:02:52,203 --> 00:02:55,643 so as we agreed before this tour started, don't fuck 'em." 53 00:02:55,777 --> 00:03:00,420 And then two people from my group left, so... 54 00:03:01,121 --> 00:03:03,193 I got to see a koala, I got to see an echidna, 55 00:03:03,326 --> 00:03:05,597 I love echidnas. Echidnas, they're monotremes, 56 00:03:05,730 --> 00:03:09,137 they have fur, they lay eggs, the eggs hatch, they go to their mom for milk, 57 00:03:09,271 --> 00:03:12,878 but echidnas never evolve nipples, they just sweat milk. 58 00:03:13,012 --> 00:03:15,617 Yeah, like a kid from the Midwest, 59 00:03:15,750 --> 00:03:19,190 they just sweat it, just 2%. 60 00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:22,231 So, I got to see a koala, I got to see an echidna, 61 00:03:22,364 --> 00:03:25,704 y'all, I got to meet a cheetah, I love cheetahs, fastest animal on land, 62 00:03:25,837 --> 00:03:29,344 but here's something sad, cheetahs in zoos, they do not do well by themselves. 63 00:03:29,478 --> 00:03:32,226 If you want a cheetah to thrive, you have to pair it with a second cheetah, 64 00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:34,770 but we don't have enough cheetahs in America to do that anymore, 65 00:03:34,855 --> 00:03:37,560 because Obama, so now... 66 00:03:37,694 --> 00:03:39,031 That's what the news said, 67 00:03:39,164 --> 00:03:41,736 so now, they pair cheetahs with dogs, 68 00:03:41,870 --> 00:03:45,110 and not African dogs, regular-ass American dogs. 69 00:03:45,243 --> 00:03:47,414 So, it's cheetah, golden retriever, 70 00:03:47,547 --> 00:03:50,128 and you know, you know the first day that golden retriever was like, 71 00:03:50,152 --> 00:03:53,126 "See, I told you I had Black friends." 72 00:03:54,228 --> 00:03:56,341 You know the first day that golden retriever was like, 73 00:03:56,365 --> 00:03:58,765 "Oh, I love the outfit, only y'all can pull off animal print, 74 00:03:58,836 --> 00:04:04,883 by the way, how do you pronounce this beautiful African name, is it Che-Tah 75 00:04:05,016 --> 00:04:08,156 Uh, is this second H a click or something? 76 00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:11,028 Also, hey, can I ask you something, promise you won't get mad, 77 00:04:11,162 --> 00:04:15,036 are you at this zoo on like a track scholarship?" 78 00:04:15,938 --> 00:04:21,615 That was a test, New Orleans, I wanted to see just how racist y'all were, 79 00:04:21,749 --> 00:04:23,185 and some of y'all passed. 80 00:04:23,752 --> 00:04:27,161 Also, I love doing shows, I know who my target demographic is, 81 00:04:27,294 --> 00:04:29,098 but are there any gay people here? 82 00:04:31,135 --> 00:04:32,906 Okay, honestly, too many, 83 00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:35,878 and that's not for me, that's for the Supreme Court. 84 00:04:36,012 --> 00:04:39,284 Hey, no, ugh, I wrote that joke back when it was cute. 85 00:04:39,417 --> 00:04:44,094 No, I, I love gay people. Gay men, are there gay men here? 86 00:04:45,563 --> 00:04:47,367 Okay, y'all hear how the pitch didn't drop? 87 00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:50,006 No, I love, I love gay men outside of comedy settings, 88 00:04:50,140 --> 00:04:52,777 inside of comedy settings, not so much. Here's why. 89 00:04:52,912 --> 00:04:54,670 Every time a gay guy sees another gay guy 90 00:04:54,682 --> 00:04:56,451 on stage, he can only think five things, 91 00:04:56,585 --> 00:04:57,821 I. Should. Be. Up. There. 92 00:04:57,955 --> 00:05:01,161 And that's not what we're doing, 93 00:05:01,295 --> 00:05:04,735 I do love gay men, I love gay men so much, I married one. 94 00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:07,007 Don't clap, he's gay, not happy. 95 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:10,957 Now, a lot of people don't know this, New York City, if you're a man, 96 00:05:10,981 --> 00:05:12,360 and you get married to another man, 97 00:05:12,384 --> 00:05:14,054 you spend most of your wedding day 98 00:05:14,188 --> 00:05:15,900 introducing gay men who live in New York City 99 00:05:15,924 --> 00:05:17,761 to other gay men they have already slept with, 100 00:05:17,895 --> 00:05:21,034 so, most of my wedding day, I was stuck saying stuff like, 101 00:05:21,168 --> 00:05:23,606 "Well, Benjamin, uh, you know Todd, 102 00:05:23,739 --> 00:05:26,045 Michael, you also know Todd, 103 00:05:26,178 --> 00:05:29,084 Shane, I know you know Todd, I've seen the tape." 104 00:05:29,218 --> 00:05:31,288 And then, and then my husband was like, 105 00:05:31,421 --> 00:05:33,726 "Jay, do you know Todd," and I had to go, "Ooh... I do." 106 00:05:33,861 --> 00:05:38,937 And then, I had to remind him, I said, "Nah, baby, we know Todd," 107 00:05:39,071 --> 00:05:43,646 and he was like, "Oh, that's Todd, I didn't recognize him standing up." 108 00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:48,990 Okay, now, that joke lets me know who's fun. Right? 109 00:05:49,591 --> 00:05:52,106 Did you hear what I said, I said, "my husband," I have a husband, 110 00:05:52,130 --> 00:05:53,889 I don't have a partner, I don't have a partner 111 00:05:53,901 --> 00:05:55,479 because we're not playing tennis, right? 112 00:05:55,503 --> 00:05:58,376 Even though, sometimes, it sounds like it. 113 00:06:01,315 --> 00:06:04,254 Okay, just so it's clear, that was a butt sex joke. 114 00:06:04,387 --> 00:06:08,029 Yeah, yeah, straight people, y'all can do it too, yeah, 115 00:06:08,162 --> 00:06:10,834 plot twist, she pegs him, yeah! 116 00:06:10,968 --> 00:06:13,974 That's right, ladies, you look that fella in the eye, and you say, 117 00:06:14,108 --> 00:06:16,044 "Happy U.S. Open," okay. 118 00:06:18,149 --> 00:06:20,387 Whoa, y'all felt that, y'all felt what just happened, 119 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,359 half the straight guys in here went, "Oh, my God, that's so funny," 120 00:06:23,492 --> 00:06:26,098 the other half went, "Why'd my dick move?" And... 121 00:06:28,502 --> 00:06:30,740 I talk about my husband too much. 122 00:06:30,874 --> 00:06:33,154 I got an email about him a couple weeks ago, "Hey Jay, you are so funny. 123 00:06:33,178 --> 00:06:36,586 You have such a great smile. Why are you married dot, dot, dot, to a man? 124 00:06:36,719 --> 00:06:39,524 There are so many women in the world, you don't have to live like this, 125 00:06:39,657 --> 00:06:42,898 God is healing and blessing every day, love, Barbara." 126 00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:46,071 I'm not gonna fuck you, Barbara. 127 00:06:46,205 --> 00:06:49,178 I'm not having sex with a mid-century name. 128 00:06:49,311 --> 00:06:52,317 Barbara, you shouldn't be in my DMs, 129 00:06:52,484 --> 00:06:54,755 you should be on The Golden Bachelor. 130 00:06:54,890 --> 00:07:01,736 Barbara, listen, I'm a gay, you need Ben-Gay, there's a difference, Babs. 131 00:07:01,870 --> 00:07:04,408 I brought up The Golden Bachelor, and I love the show, 132 00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:08,215 it's proof you can find love or chlamydia at any age, 133 00:07:08,349 --> 00:07:10,195 but it did make me mad, because in my mind's eye, 134 00:07:10,219 --> 00:07:12,190 when I was casting The Golden Bachelorette, 135 00:07:12,324 --> 00:07:14,394 I wanted her to be an old hoe, 136 00:07:14,528 --> 00:07:18,971 I wanted a Jezebel, a floozy, a wanton woman, 137 00:07:19,104 --> 00:07:20,851 I want the Golden Bachelorette to show up and go, 138 00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:25,416 "Yeah, I'm 67, but this snapper still has some bite." 139 00:07:27,421 --> 00:07:29,024 I wanted the Golden Bachelorette to go, 140 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:32,030 "Boys, who wants some silver cotton candy?" 141 00:07:32,164 --> 00:07:35,003 Hey, relax, it tastes like a Werther's. 142 00:07:35,136 --> 00:07:39,378 I wanted the Golden Bachelorette to say, 143 00:07:39,511 --> 00:07:41,481 "This was your granddaddy's Vietnam." 144 00:07:41,615 --> 00:07:44,521 Right? Just cutting through the underbrush, booby traps, 145 00:07:44,655 --> 00:07:47,026 "John McCain, what are you doing here?" 146 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,537 Yeah, so people ask why me and my husband got married, 147 00:07:52,671 --> 00:07:54,350 and we got married because we love each other, 148 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:57,213 also because monkey pox. If you don't know, so... 149 00:07:57,347 --> 00:07:59,547 If you don't know, so monkey pox, it was a skin disease, 150 00:07:59,618 --> 00:08:01,464 a lot of people were like, "It's not a gay disease, 151 00:08:01,488 --> 00:08:03,088 it just hasn't found the right girl yet." 152 00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:04,537 I was like, whatever you gotta tell yourself. 153 00:08:04,561 --> 00:08:06,866 But no, I never caught monkey pox, 154 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,243 in fact, I got the monkey pox vaccine 155 00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:09,680 early because the health department said, 156 00:08:09,704 --> 00:08:11,074 "Sluts, to the front." 157 00:08:11,208 --> 00:08:14,348 And remember, your boy's married, not boring, 158 00:08:14,481 --> 00:08:17,753 so I got the monkey pox vaccine in the Bronx, 159 00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:20,008 it was me and a bunch of other sissies on the 4 train. 160 00:08:20,092 --> 00:08:23,633 Woo, my God, you should have seen this gathering of sodomites, 161 00:08:23,766 --> 00:08:28,175 truly, something out of the pages of Leviticus. 162 00:08:28,309 --> 00:08:31,248 I remember walking in that vaccination clinic, 163 00:08:31,382 --> 00:08:34,288 I turned the corner, y'all, was a who's who of who blew who. 164 00:08:34,421 --> 00:08:36,658 I remember walking in there, 165 00:08:36,792 --> 00:08:39,431 and I was like, "Good to see you again. Good to see you again. 166 00:08:39,565 --> 00:08:43,172 Man, what's up, Todd? Get up, come on, hey, 167 00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:45,176 we're at the doctor's office, stop that." 168 00:08:45,911 --> 00:08:49,351 Now, people ask me about my marriage 'cause I'm so open about a lot of stuff. 169 00:08:49,484 --> 00:08:51,597 They go, "How do you make it work, how do you make it work?" 170 00:08:51,621 --> 00:08:53,726 Our marriage is the same as anyone else's, 171 00:08:53,860 --> 00:08:55,940 you make it work by splitting everything down the middle, 50-50. 172 00:08:55,964 --> 00:08:58,569 I cook, he cleans, and we both cheat. 173 00:08:58,702 --> 00:09:00,406 I'm kidding! 174 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,212 He doesn't. And I don't even cheat, I don't even cheat, 175 00:09:03,345 --> 00:09:06,094 I just say I have "an errand to do," because that's the other guy's name. 176 00:09:06,118 --> 00:09:09,959 Now, my husband hates that joke, 177 00:09:10,093 --> 00:09:11,461 but my boyfriend, he loves it. 178 00:09:13,699 --> 00:09:16,204 Okay, y'all are fun. Okay, so because y'all are fun, 179 00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:17,529 I'll actually tell you hat we've 180 00:09:17,541 --> 00:09:19,120 currently been doing in our relationship, 181 00:09:19,144 --> 00:09:22,083 we've been together for a while, so currently, we are spicing it up, 182 00:09:22,217 --> 00:09:24,488 we are involved in a little bit of cuck play, 183 00:09:24,621 --> 00:09:26,567 a little bit of cuckoldry, do y'all know about this? 184 00:09:26,591 --> 00:09:28,472 Have y'all heard about this? Are y'all watching this? 185 00:09:28,496 --> 00:09:31,468 Are y'all watching people watch this? Do y'all know? 186 00:09:31,601 --> 00:09:33,438 Is that outlawed? Can y'all watch it here? 187 00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:35,710 If you don't know, so, if you don't know, 188 00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:39,986 so, cuckoldry, that's when me and my husband, together, we like to watch 189 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,722 TV shows that did not cast me. 190 00:09:41,855 --> 00:09:43,392 And... 191 00:09:45,162 --> 00:09:46,813 Do you understand how strong I have to be 192 00:09:46,825 --> 00:09:48,569 to sit next to my baby and say stuff like, 193 00:09:48,736 --> 00:09:52,343 "Yeah, I told you Abbott Elementary was gonna be huge!" 194 00:09:53,245 --> 00:09:54,791 Yeah, one of my friends works on that show, 195 00:09:54,815 --> 00:09:56,551 she told me, "Jay, stop telling that joke," 196 00:09:56,685 --> 00:09:58,389 I told her, "Put me on the show!" 197 00:09:59,090 --> 00:10:03,131 All right, that's how you get that joke out of my set, Janelle, okay. 198 00:10:05,336 --> 00:10:08,241 Oh my gosh, y'all, listen, 199 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,680 y'all seem very fun, I know why y'all are fun, 200 00:10:10,814 --> 00:10:12,264 it's because it's a bunch of straight 201 00:10:12,276 --> 00:10:14,014 girls here. Straight girls make some noise. 202 00:10:15,523 --> 00:10:17,126 You hear that? That's their mating cry. 203 00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:19,732 Often heard in the streets of Nashville, 204 00:10:19,866 --> 00:10:22,637 followed by a trail of light-up pink cowboy hats, a feathered boa, 205 00:10:22,770 --> 00:10:24,474 and one girl at the end struggling, like, 206 00:10:24,607 --> 00:10:26,487 "I don't know how I caught chlamydia this time." 207 00:10:26,611 --> 00:10:30,052 And we're like, "Kelly, what did we say about koalas?" 208 00:10:31,388 --> 00:10:33,374 And she's like, "I can't resist the 209 00:10:33,386 --> 00:10:35,897 accent. Ooh, I thought it was a Hemsworth." 210 00:10:36,031 --> 00:10:40,540 Now... Now, straight girls, y'all doing okay? 211 00:10:40,673 --> 00:10:42,277 No, you're not! 212 00:10:42,410 --> 00:10:44,647 Don't lie to me, you're not doing okay, and I know why. 213 00:10:44,781 --> 00:10:46,920 It's because of something called the patriarchy. 214 00:10:47,053 --> 00:10:50,793 Now, when I discovered the patriarchy last year, I got so upset, 215 00:10:50,928 --> 00:10:52,764 I got so mad, I punched a hole in the wall. 216 00:10:52,898 --> 00:10:55,036 I said, y'all are doing this to my girls? 217 00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:57,807 Now, do y'all know about the patriarchy? If not, I'll mansplain. 218 00:10:57,941 --> 00:11:04,755 So, the patriarchy has put men at the top of this system we call America, 219 00:11:04,889 --> 00:11:07,303 and it has women doing things against their own self-interest. 220 00:11:07,327 --> 00:11:10,733 Like last year, you remember when every girl thought they were required by law 221 00:11:10,868 --> 00:11:13,238 to fuck ugly dudes. What? 222 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,509 What is the reasoning? 223 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:19,317 Do you know that being straight doesn't have to be a dare, 224 00:11:19,450 --> 00:11:21,388 you can enjoy it? 225 00:11:21,521 --> 00:11:23,735 Then y'all come up to me after the show and say stuff like, 226 00:11:23,759 --> 00:11:26,565 "Well, Jay, just so you know, I happen to like my men a little ugly. 227 00:11:26,699 --> 00:11:28,702 Right, babe?" 228 00:11:28,836 --> 00:11:33,346 And this poor guy's like, "You hear that? she only said 'a little.'" 229 00:11:33,479 --> 00:11:35,482 Y'all will brag to me about your ugly man, 230 00:11:35,616 --> 00:11:38,556 "Well, Jake, just so you know, me and my ugly man, we're flying to Paris." 231 00:11:38,689 --> 00:11:40,466 I'm like, yeah, he's gotta get back to Notre 232 00:11:40,478 --> 00:11:42,430 Dame, those bells aren't gonna ring themselves. 233 00:11:43,232 --> 00:11:46,271 Of course, I don't mean anyone here, every straight guy here is a 10, 234 00:11:46,404 --> 00:11:49,478 if you don't believe me, I'll blow you on the way out. But seriously... 235 00:11:49,611 --> 00:11:52,491 One of my friends, he's an old-school comedian, what's the word for that? 236 00:11:52,550 --> 00:11:54,922 He's a misogynist, and he said, 237 00:11:55,056 --> 00:11:56,793 he said, "Jay, these women date these ugly 238 00:11:56,805 --> 00:11:58,429 men just so they can get their money." 239 00:11:58,562 --> 00:12:03,238 And I was like, yeah, I know ugly men have money, I've been on a boat before. 240 00:12:05,342 --> 00:12:08,158 This is the part of the joke where the girls look at their dates and go, 241 00:12:08,182 --> 00:12:10,386 "He's not talking about you." 242 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,694 I am. I am, I am talking about your adult ugly ass. 243 00:12:14,828 --> 00:12:17,366 Ladies, stop babying these ugly ass men. 244 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:19,905 You treat your ugly boyfriends like pugs. 245 00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:21,374 You go "Look." 246 00:12:24,414 --> 00:12:25,816 "I bought him a vest." 247 00:12:27,586 --> 00:12:29,106 And the whole time he's up there like, 248 00:12:33,298 --> 00:12:35,102 Now, we just laughed at ugly men together, 249 00:12:35,235 --> 00:12:38,743 I believe that's called feminism, right? 250 00:12:39,444 --> 00:12:43,052 Yeah, we committed a feminism right there. 251 00:12:43,185 --> 00:12:48,095 Yeah, we can laugh at ugly men because ugly men still have proximity to power. 252 00:12:48,229 --> 00:12:51,568 We can't laugh at ugly women because ugly women don't exist, 253 00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:54,507 except for the one you're thinking of right now. 254 00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:58,649 Okay, all right? Listen, and this is my ugly section, 255 00:12:58,782 --> 00:13:01,555 now I want y'all to know something, I love ugly people. 256 00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:08,335 I'm not a, I'm not a member of, but I'm an ally to 257 00:13:08,469 --> 00:13:12,710 the UGLY, you ain't got no alibi community, right? 258 00:13:14,147 --> 00:13:15,850 Listen, I love ugly people, 259 00:13:15,984 --> 00:13:18,155 I think ugly people should get their own parking, 260 00:13:18,288 --> 00:13:19,858 in the back, I'm trying to eat. 261 00:13:19,992 --> 00:13:23,098 I think ugly people should get their own pride month. 262 00:13:23,232 --> 00:13:25,302 When? October. 263 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,711 One time I did these jokes at a show, 264 00:13:29,845 --> 00:13:32,717 and a woman stood up and said, "Hey, take it easy on us, 265 00:13:34,654 --> 00:13:37,026 and I said, "Sit your ugly ass down." 266 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:41,769 No, no. No, yeah, I'm kidding, I had her escorted out, I do not play. 267 00:13:41,903 --> 00:13:43,472 We check y'all before y'all come in, 268 00:13:43,606 --> 00:13:45,218 but this is what I want, this is what I want, 269 00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,982 what I want is for ugly people to band together, 270 00:13:48,115 --> 00:13:49,684 form a community, and cancel me. 271 00:13:49,818 --> 00:13:52,256 That's my goal, I want to be canceled. 272 00:13:52,389 --> 00:13:54,273 Because as a male comedian, if you get 273 00:13:54,285 --> 00:13:56,631 canceled in 2025, your career takes off, okay. 274 00:13:56,765 --> 00:13:59,629 That's what I want, but do you understand 275 00:13:59,641 --> 00:14:02,376 how hard it's gonna be to cancel this? 276 00:14:03,278 --> 00:14:07,520 I'm Black, I'm queer, I'm left-handed, there are... 277 00:14:07,653 --> 00:14:12,596 I got astigmatism, I don't see gender, because I can't see shit, but... 278 00:14:13,832 --> 00:14:16,471 But, do you understand, if you want to cancel me, 279 00:14:16,604 --> 00:14:22,416 you're gonna have to be a biracial lesbian, who is also trans, 280 00:14:22,550 --> 00:14:25,423 and in a wheelchair, and even then, even then, 281 00:14:25,556 --> 00:14:29,598 I'm gonna be like, yeah, but how much money do your parents make? Ha-ha! 282 00:14:29,731 --> 00:14:31,468 And she's gonna say, "I'm adopted," 283 00:14:31,601 --> 00:14:34,173 and I get to go, okay, you win this round. Woo! 284 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:37,981 Just, just so y'all know, that was me rolling her, woo, 285 00:14:38,649 --> 00:14:41,923 into affordable housing, 286 00:14:42,056 --> 00:14:44,528 with a ramp, not off a cliff, right? 287 00:14:44,661 --> 00:14:46,831 I'm not a monster, I have rules. 288 00:14:46,966 --> 00:14:49,606 I will never make fun of anyone who currently has it worse than me, 289 00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:51,910 politically, or socially, so per that logic, 290 00:14:52,043 --> 00:14:55,816 I don't make fun of lesbians, because lesbians can fight. 291 00:14:57,787 --> 00:15:00,227 Oh my god, have you ever been kicked by a pair of Doc Martens? 292 00:15:00,292 --> 00:15:05,235 You make that mistake once. It is quite a heavy shoe. 293 00:15:05,369 --> 00:15:08,575 Listen, I, I love lesbians, I do. 294 00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:11,148 Okay, here's some queer history, New Orleans, did you know, 295 00:15:11,281 --> 00:15:13,084 lesbians have actually created a platform 296 00:15:13,096 --> 00:15:15,089 for so many queer performers over the years, 297 00:15:15,222 --> 00:15:17,693 and by that, I mean, they probably built this stage. 298 00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:21,201 Ah, that's what we call a well-constructed joke, 299 00:15:21,335 --> 00:15:24,106 that is a union-approved joke. 300 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:27,113 Now, one time, I was doing a show in Brooklyn, 301 00:15:27,246 --> 00:15:29,717 and the host wanted to bring up comedians in quirky ways, 302 00:15:29,851 --> 00:15:32,091 and this is what the host said about the comic before me. 303 00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:35,195 The host said, "This next comic is my favorite lesbian top." 304 00:15:35,329 --> 00:15:38,535 And all I could think was, hmm, what's my favorite lesbian top? 305 00:15:38,669 --> 00:15:42,676 My favorite lesbian top, probably bowling shirts. 306 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,620 Bowling shirts, camp counselor shirts, mechanic shirts, 307 00:15:47,754 --> 00:15:50,928 any shirt with the name already on it, you ladies look very handsome in those. 308 00:15:51,061 --> 00:15:53,765 Now, listen, listen, listen, I'm not making fun of lesbians 309 00:15:53,899 --> 00:15:57,040 when I'm dressed like one. Y'all see this? 310 00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:59,720 Some people, they go, "Jay, you're queer, you dress pretty straight." 311 00:15:59,744 --> 00:16:01,749 No, this is lesbian chic, okay? 312 00:16:01,883 --> 00:16:04,053 I'm gonna, everyone pay attention, 313 00:16:04,186 --> 00:16:05,447 this is a life cycle of a piece of 314 00:16:05,459 --> 00:16:07,069 lesbian clothing. A lesbian wears a shirt, 315 00:16:07,093 --> 00:16:09,773 gay guy sees a lesbian in a shirt, gay guy starts to wear the shirt. 316 00:16:09,865 --> 00:16:12,613 Now, the gay guy wears a shirt, straight guy sees the gay guy in the shirt, 317 00:16:12,637 --> 00:16:14,750 straight guy starts to wear the shirt. Now, this straight guy, 318 00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,477 he dies in the shirt, 319 00:16:17,446 --> 00:16:20,352 his family mourns, they pack up his belongings, they gather his things, 320 00:16:20,486 --> 00:16:23,058 they drop it off at a thrift shop where 321 00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:25,096 lesbian buys the shirt! 322 00:16:26,064 --> 00:16:28,335 It's a circle of dyke and it moves us all. 323 00:16:28,468 --> 00:16:29,905 Now... 324 00:16:31,842 --> 00:16:33,712 y'all are probably wondering, 325 00:16:33,845 --> 00:16:36,084 Jay, how do you know so much about lesbians, who told? 326 00:16:36,217 --> 00:16:38,355 I went to high school with a whole mess of them, 327 00:16:38,488 --> 00:16:41,128 we had a spike in lesbian activities, Spike was one of their names. 328 00:16:41,194 --> 00:16:45,302 And because of these wonderful daughters of Sappho, 329 00:16:45,435 --> 00:16:48,709 we also had a lot of state basketball championships, yeah. 330 00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:51,214 That's right, go Lady Mustangs. 331 00:16:51,348 --> 00:16:54,889 I was so progressive, I'd be in the stands, I'd start some of the cheers. 332 00:16:55,022 --> 00:16:58,595 I'd say stuff like, "LGBT, get back on defense!" 333 00:16:58,729 --> 00:17:00,632 At one point, 334 00:17:00,766 --> 00:17:03,415 at one point, I got too progressive, I looped around to being toxic. 335 00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:06,844 I was like, "Number 5 stinks, I heard she's straight." 336 00:17:09,918 --> 00:17:11,588 "Boo! 337 00:17:11,722 --> 00:17:13,225 We don't want your kind. 338 00:17:13,358 --> 00:17:16,498 Hey, hey, ho, ho, these heteros have got to go! 339 00:17:16,632 --> 00:17:19,470 "Breeder, breeder." 340 00:17:21,742 --> 00:17:23,679 You laugh, but it works, she missed a free throw. 341 00:17:23,812 --> 00:17:29,024 And that little girl grew up to be Caitlin Clark. 342 00:17:29,858 --> 00:17:33,565 No, stop it, I love Timothy Chalamet. Now... 343 00:17:34,367 --> 00:17:37,340 I don't make fun of lesbians, check, I don't make fun of non-binary people, 344 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:41,314 because I don't like it when baristas spit in my coffee, right, 345 00:17:41,781 --> 00:17:43,752 I can't make fun of non-binary people, y'all, 346 00:17:43,886 --> 00:17:48,495 what if I want my bike fixed? Wat if I want to buy a record on vinyl? 347 00:17:48,629 --> 00:17:51,534 What if I need an ugly tattoo? 348 00:17:51,668 --> 00:17:55,309 What I'm saying is, they have a lot of jobs, 349 00:17:55,443 --> 00:17:58,883 and listen, gender is fluid, but their assets are liquid. 350 00:17:59,017 --> 00:18:02,023 I don't make them, but they/them's the rules. 351 00:18:02,156 --> 00:18:03,993 Oh, wait, hold on, 352 00:18:05,329 --> 00:18:08,735 doing a quick sweep for septum piercings, I'm good. 353 00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:12,076 I don't want to be hit with a wallet chain after the show, right. 354 00:18:12,209 --> 00:18:15,115 "Get over here." "I think Scorpion's a beautiful name." 355 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,455 "Finish them." 356 00:18:18,588 --> 00:18:21,061 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, relax, 357 00:18:21,195 --> 00:18:23,465 I can make that joke, my husband recently came out to me 358 00:18:23,599 --> 00:18:25,479 as a little bit non-binary, he said, "Hey, baby, 359 00:18:25,569 --> 00:18:27,606 I'm okay with using he/they pronouns," 360 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,286 which means he usually feels like a boy, 361 00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:31,814 unless there's a bug in the house. Now... 362 00:18:33,986 --> 00:18:35,789 Full disclosure, he loves that joke, 363 00:18:35,924 --> 00:18:38,495 they, not so much, but... 364 00:18:39,797 --> 00:18:42,736 I'm learning, gender is tricky, 365 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:44,808 it happens with my straight male comedian peers, 366 00:18:44,942 --> 00:18:47,656 they have to butch it up because it's a bunch of straight guys out here, 367 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,287 they'll be backstage, normal, and they'll 368 00:18:49,299 --> 00:18:50,800 come out on stage and say stuff like, 369 00:18:50,887 --> 00:18:53,225 "We need real men, bring back real men," 370 00:18:53,358 --> 00:18:54,998 and I always want to tell those comedians, 371 00:18:55,029 --> 00:18:58,034 real men aren't on stage. 372 00:19:01,909 --> 00:19:05,349 There's never been a real man on stage, 373 00:19:05,483 --> 00:19:07,453 real men are on probation. 374 00:19:07,586 --> 00:19:10,258 Real men are on heart medication. 375 00:19:10,392 --> 00:19:13,131 Real men are on the couch, because mom is mad. 376 00:19:13,265 --> 00:19:18,642 Real men are on boats, and not fun boats, shipping vessels. 377 00:19:18,776 --> 00:19:24,721 Real men are on real boats, so fake men like all of us can eat real crab, okay. 378 00:19:24,854 --> 00:19:28,863 Real men don't hunt drag queens, they hunt Dungeness. 379 00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:34,140 This is a hard part when you talk about this stuff, 380 00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:35,977 because I want to be progressive, 381 00:19:36,111 --> 00:19:38,015 everyone should understand, being progressive, 382 00:19:38,148 --> 00:19:41,154 it means that you're slowly but surely getting better, 383 00:19:41,288 --> 00:19:43,969 and every now and then, you have a thought that's kind of progressive 384 00:19:43,993 --> 00:19:46,531 and regressive at the same time. 385 00:19:46,798 --> 00:19:48,135 Here's one. 386 00:19:49,103 --> 00:19:53,711 I don't think you should be transphobic if you're old. 387 00:19:53,845 --> 00:19:56,651 Right? Come on, you're a grandma with a mustache, 388 00:19:56,784 --> 00:20:01,794 you understand gender is tricky, 389 00:20:01,929 --> 00:20:04,800 your pronouns are me/ma, okay, 390 00:20:05,937 --> 00:20:07,907 Okay, here's another one, 391 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:11,214 I don't think you should be transphobic if you're poor. 392 00:20:12,684 --> 00:20:14,942 Is it a boy, is it a girl? Why do you 393 00:20:14,954 --> 00:20:17,593 care? You identify as a Door Dasher, okay. 394 00:20:20,632 --> 00:20:24,540 Of course, of course, progress also doesn't just affect gender, 395 00:20:24,674 --> 00:20:26,278 it also affects size, like, okay, 396 00:20:26,411 --> 00:20:28,491 I was hanging out with a group of all-male comedians, 397 00:20:28,515 --> 00:20:30,954 I think when it's that many of us, it's called an allegation, 398 00:20:31,087 --> 00:20:33,358 and so we, me and my co-defendants, 399 00:20:33,492 --> 00:20:35,897 they were talking, they were yapping, men love to talk, 400 00:20:36,030 --> 00:20:38,569 and so they were talking about women's bodies. 401 00:20:38,702 --> 00:20:39,537 If you can believe it! 402 00:20:39,670 --> 00:20:41,341 And so 403 00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,979 one of my female comedian friends, that's allowed now, 404 00:20:44,113 --> 00:20:46,818 one of my female comedian friends, she overheard, 405 00:20:46,952 --> 00:20:48,451 she came over, she's a bigger girl, she 406 00:20:48,463 --> 00:20:50,168 said, "Hey, I want y'all to know something, 407 00:20:50,192 --> 00:20:52,629 even with all this body positivity bullshit, all of you men 408 00:20:52,763 --> 00:20:54,734 are scared to date bigger girls." 409 00:20:54,868 --> 00:20:57,615 And my straight progressive male comedian friend looked at her and said, 410 00:20:57,639 --> 00:21:00,312 "Girl, I'll fuck your fat ass right now." 411 00:21:00,446 --> 00:21:01,581 Ah! 412 00:21:02,316 --> 00:21:04,019 He wasn't supposed to say it like that, 413 00:21:04,153 --> 00:21:06,223 but technically, that's progress, okay. 414 00:21:06,959 --> 00:21:11,034 That's progress! He's like, "Girl, won't you sit your big ass on my face." 415 00:21:11,869 --> 00:21:15,609 We can laugh at an ass-eating joke, Ramadan is over, okay. 416 00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:17,346 Eat up, habibi. 417 00:21:18,548 --> 00:21:21,287 As you can tell, I'm trying to be a good person, 418 00:21:21,420 --> 00:21:23,291 so I don't make fun of trans women, 419 00:21:23,425 --> 00:21:25,562 because I'm not that famous of a Black comedian, 420 00:21:25,696 --> 00:21:29,971 but here's what I want people to understand, I don't get it. 421 00:21:30,105 --> 00:21:32,176 The people who were attacking these trans girlies 422 00:21:32,309 --> 00:21:34,109 were some of the people I idolized growing up, 423 00:21:34,213 --> 00:21:35,749 people who I thought were geniuses, 424 00:21:35,884 --> 00:21:37,653 people like my man, Kid Rock. 425 00:21:37,820 --> 00:21:44,367 You're telling me trans masculine icon Kid Rock doesn't... 426 00:21:45,802 --> 00:21:49,515 Wait a second, wait a second, you're telling 427 00:21:49,527 --> 00:21:53,252 me lesbian fashion guru Kid Rock doesn't... 428 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:58,095 You're telling me the final form of Jojo Siwa, Kid Rock... 429 00:21:58,595 --> 00:22:01,734 If you don't know what happened, Kid Rock, he got mad at Bud Light, 430 00:22:01,869 --> 00:22:03,572 why'd he get mad at Bud Light? 431 00:22:03,706 --> 00:22:05,085 Bud Light gave one trans TikToker her own specialized can of beer, 432 00:22:05,109 --> 00:22:07,012 everyone lost their minds, 433 00:22:07,146 --> 00:22:09,593 and because we're serving drinks here tonight, let me just say this, 434 00:22:09,617 --> 00:22:12,055 Bud Light cannot make you trans, 435 00:22:12,189 --> 00:22:16,665 Bud Light cannot make you, maybe you, trans. 436 00:22:16,798 --> 00:22:19,613 The only thing Bud Light can make you is bi in college a couple of times, 437 00:22:19,637 --> 00:22:21,308 that's it, that's all, 438 00:22:21,441 --> 00:22:24,113 that's all that drink has ever done is bring boys together. 439 00:22:24,246 --> 00:22:26,817 Now me, me personally, I don't drink Bud Light, 440 00:22:26,952 --> 00:22:28,564 I don't drink Bud Light, not because it's too gay, 441 00:22:28,588 --> 00:22:31,361 I don't drink Bud Light because it's not gay enough. 442 00:22:31,494 --> 00:22:36,003 You know what I drink instead, cum, now that... 443 00:22:44,453 --> 00:22:46,557 Straight from the tap. Now cum... 444 00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:51,067 Honestly might do a keg stand later. When it comes to cum... 445 00:22:51,201 --> 00:22:53,438 What's that, horchata, okay. Oh no. 446 00:22:53,571 --> 00:22:55,910 Microplastics, they're in everything, okay. 447 00:22:56,043 --> 00:23:00,586 Hey, hey, hey, I did not want to tell that dirty disgusting dick sucking joke, 448 00:23:00,719 --> 00:23:03,558 that's not who I am, I'm a clean Christian comedian, 449 00:23:03,692 --> 00:23:05,829 I'm available for birthdays and christenings, 450 00:23:05,964 --> 00:23:09,770 but my manager and my agency, they saw the success of Hawk Tuah, 451 00:23:09,905 --> 00:23:12,376 and they said, they said, 452 00:23:12,509 --> 00:23:15,282 "Jay, please tell us you have a dick sucking joke," and I told them, 453 00:23:15,415 --> 00:23:21,327 when you love what you do, you never work a day in your life. 454 00:23:22,296 --> 00:23:25,168 Blow job, no. Blow passion, right. 455 00:23:25,302 --> 00:23:27,740 Blow dream if you do it right. 456 00:23:28,308 --> 00:23:30,428 A lot of people, they got mad at Hawk Tuah, they said, 457 00:23:30,546 --> 00:23:32,616 "Oh, that's not classy, that's not classy." 458 00:23:32,749 --> 00:23:36,959 I got mad at Hawk Tuah because her instructions were incomplete. She... 459 00:23:38,695 --> 00:23:41,936 She said, you gotta hawk tuah, spit on that thing, and then she walked away. 460 00:23:42,069 --> 00:23:47,914 Wait a minute, no, no, no, that's a couple more steps, okay. 461 00:23:48,047 --> 00:23:50,586 All right, that's like someone giving you a recipe, and saying, 462 00:23:50,719 --> 00:23:54,193 "Here's what you got to do, preheat the oven to 375." 463 00:24:00,338 --> 00:24:02,843 I believe at some point, the meat has to go in, 464 00:24:02,978 --> 00:24:08,188 but people, people got mad at her, people got mad at Hawk Tuah. 465 00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:10,726 They said, "Oh, that's not classy, that's not classy." 466 00:24:10,859 --> 00:24:14,234 Guess what? America ain't classy, that's America. 467 00:24:14,367 --> 00:24:17,373 It's so America, that every 15 years in this country, 468 00:24:17,506 --> 00:24:20,913 someone has to get famous for fellatio. Watch, I'll prove it. 469 00:24:21,047 --> 00:24:23,218 Hawk Tuah, before her, Kim Kardashian, 470 00:24:23,352 --> 00:24:25,425 before her, Paris Hilton, before her, 471 00:24:25,437 --> 00:24:27,860 Monica Lewinsky, before her, Nancy Reagan, 472 00:24:27,994 --> 00:24:32,938 before her, before her, Abraham Lincoln. 473 00:24:33,071 --> 00:24:34,607 There's always... 474 00:24:35,542 --> 00:24:37,222 Wait a second, my bad, y'all, I gotta reverse, 475 00:24:37,246 --> 00:24:39,283 Abraham Lincoln, he got blown in the theater, 476 00:24:39,417 --> 00:24:41,353 that's different, that's completely different. 477 00:24:41,487 --> 00:24:45,362 Wait, wait, wait, is that a too soon on an 1860s joke? 478 00:24:46,063 --> 00:24:48,936 I'm supposed to be nice to that sissy because he freed me? 479 00:24:49,069 --> 00:24:50,305 Okay, all right. 480 00:24:50,438 --> 00:24:52,309 I don't even like pennies that much. 481 00:24:53,411 --> 00:24:56,417 This is what I want y'all to know, this is also my favorite part of the show 482 00:24:56,551 --> 00:24:58,302 because I've been talking about sucking dick 483 00:24:58,314 --> 00:25:00,158 and now all the straight men are like this... 484 00:25:01,494 --> 00:25:04,133 Now listen, I love straight men, I love the fact y'all are here, 485 00:25:04,267 --> 00:25:08,207 I uplift minority voices, so straight men, make some noise, that's enough. 486 00:25:09,176 --> 00:25:11,047 They got so excited, they're like, "Follow me." 487 00:25:11,180 --> 00:25:13,852 Listen, I love straight men, I've been on the road quite a lot, 488 00:25:13,986 --> 00:25:16,257 I have a lot of fans who are the girlies and the gays, 489 00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:17,741 so my girl fans, they bring their 490 00:25:17,753 --> 00:25:19,530 husbands and their boyfriends to the show. 491 00:25:19,664 --> 00:25:23,771 So on the road, on tour, I've been doing a lot of straight outreach, 492 00:25:23,906 --> 00:25:26,610 usually at urinals, right? 493 00:25:27,112 --> 00:25:29,293 That looks heavy, sir, you're gonna throw your back out. 494 00:25:29,317 --> 00:25:32,156 Come on, that is clearly a team lift, look at it. 495 00:25:32,289 --> 00:25:36,464 Laughing, laughing, laughing, doesn't always happen. 496 00:25:36,598 --> 00:25:38,281 One time I got on stage, did a couple of my 497 00:25:38,293 --> 00:25:39,948 gay jokes, a guy in the front row got up, 498 00:25:39,972 --> 00:25:42,419 grumbled, "Didn't know it was gonna be a gay guy here," left the show. 499 00:25:42,443 --> 00:25:46,250 And in my head I'm thinking, sir, what are you doing? This is New York City. 500 00:25:46,384 --> 00:25:49,157 There are definitely more outside. 501 00:25:49,690 --> 00:25:51,962 You need to stick with the evil you know. 502 00:25:53,365 --> 00:25:56,237 That's like going to the beach and saying, man, I love the water, 503 00:25:56,370 --> 00:25:58,741 but why didn't you tell me about all this damn sand? 504 00:25:58,876 --> 00:26:03,618 Oh no, my son's playing in it, now he's gonna grow up to be sand. 505 00:26:03,751 --> 00:26:06,357 Because what is sand, but gay dirt. 506 00:26:06,491 --> 00:26:10,599 And by that, I mean highly malleable, slightly irritating, 507 00:26:10,732 --> 00:26:12,772 and somehow always ends up in your husband's trunks. 508 00:26:12,803 --> 00:26:16,979 Now, ladies, if your man laughed at that joke, 509 00:26:17,112 --> 00:26:19,516 I'll see y'all at the beach. 510 00:26:19,984 --> 00:26:22,092 No, I really have dedicated the last couple 511 00:26:22,104 --> 00:26:24,126 of months to being nice to straight men. 512 00:26:24,260 --> 00:26:27,466 I speak straight, unga bunga, 513 00:26:27,599 --> 00:26:31,541 I downloaded a straight male meditation and wellness app, 514 00:26:31,674 --> 00:26:36,550 it's called Bleacher Report, I've been on it every day. 515 00:26:36,684 --> 00:26:39,389 I'm like, oh my god, who is Saquon? What? 516 00:26:39,523 --> 00:26:42,897 Look at all this ass, goddamn, why did he leave New York? 517 00:26:43,031 --> 00:26:45,802 No, here's the sad part y'all, I actually still love sports. 518 00:26:45,936 --> 00:26:48,717 My gay friends, they hate it, I'll be like, "Oh let's go see the Knicks play." 519 00:26:48,741 --> 00:26:50,821 They'll go, "Oh, here's Jay with this straight shit." 520 00:26:50,913 --> 00:26:53,251 You know what they call me, they said I'm a bad gay. 521 00:26:53,385 --> 00:26:55,489 I'm a bad gay because I like basketball, 522 00:26:55,622 --> 00:26:58,528 I'm a bad gay because I know what an offensive rebound is. 523 00:26:58,662 --> 00:27:00,532 If you don't know an offensive rebound, 524 00:27:00,665 --> 00:27:04,106 that's when you hook up for the second time with a man 525 00:27:04,239 --> 00:27:06,377 who keeps using the word "Oriental." 526 00:27:07,479 --> 00:27:10,219 Did I have to do the hands? No. 527 00:27:11,688 --> 00:27:14,493 I'm trying my best to be nice to them because I know their plight. 528 00:27:14,627 --> 00:27:16,806 People go, "Jay, what do you mean you know their plight?" 529 00:27:16,830 --> 00:27:20,238 I can empathize with straight men because I used to be straight. 530 00:27:20,372 --> 00:27:22,542 Then I got better, yeah! 531 00:27:22,676 --> 00:27:24,596 There's a vaccine for it. You know? That's right. 532 00:27:24,714 --> 00:27:26,986 Vaccines don't cause autism, vaccines make your kids gay, 533 00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:30,960 and by that, I mean that your child lived long enough to figure it out. 534 00:27:31,394 --> 00:27:33,698 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 535 00:27:33,832 --> 00:27:37,072 Because last week, I did that joke for what I can only describe 536 00:27:37,206 --> 00:27:40,011 as a very pro polio crowd, 537 00:27:40,144 --> 00:27:43,818 so honestly, between you and me, I'm just happy that joke still has legs. 538 00:27:44,654 --> 00:27:46,291 Hey, hey, hey! 539 00:27:46,424 --> 00:27:49,196 We can laugh, FDR ain't here, let it out. 540 00:27:49,329 --> 00:27:52,302 Okay? You know who really hates that joke? 541 00:27:52,436 --> 00:27:53,671 RFK Jr. 542 00:27:54,406 --> 00:27:56,410 You know who really hates that joke, Aaron Rodgers. 543 00:27:56,544 --> 00:27:58,882 Okay, okay, that's just for the straight boys. 544 00:27:59,016 --> 00:28:01,154 Listen, I don't want to get too much into politics, 545 00:28:01,287 --> 00:28:03,557 but I'll say this about RFK Jr., 546 00:28:04,393 --> 00:28:06,697 if your car sounded like that, 547 00:28:09,804 --> 00:28:13,512 you wouldn't put it in charge of other cars. 548 00:28:14,982 --> 00:28:19,022 He sounds like he's underwater on a roller coaster all the time. 549 00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:20,792 That's insane. 550 00:28:20,926 --> 00:28:24,967 He had a worm in his brain, it ate its way out. 551 00:28:25,101 --> 00:28:29,110 Just what this country needs, another Kennedy with a hole in his head, okay. 552 00:28:29,243 --> 00:28:32,582 Hey, hey, hey, listen, 553 00:28:32,716 --> 00:28:36,190 I told that joke in Dallas, okay. 554 00:28:36,323 --> 00:28:38,260 To be fair, I told it like this. 555 00:28:40,332 --> 00:28:44,039 Ugh, I hate talking about politics, because I'm trying to be more nuanced, 556 00:28:44,173 --> 00:28:45,775 I'm trying to understand people, right. 557 00:28:45,909 --> 00:28:48,281 I understand some people, they got so economically anxious 558 00:28:48,414 --> 00:28:51,587 that they made a decision. Was it Nazis? Okay, I'll talk about it. 559 00:28:52,891 --> 00:28:54,559 Controversial stance, I don't like them. 560 00:28:54,693 --> 00:28:57,566 I don't like them. Nazis, sadly, they're back. 561 00:28:57,700 --> 00:29:00,305 But plot twist, they're Black? 562 00:29:00,438 --> 00:29:01,908 Kanye, you rascal. 563 00:29:02,042 --> 00:29:05,315 Now, if y'all don't know what's going on with Ye, 564 00:29:05,448 --> 00:29:07,318 Kanye, he was a Nazi for a week, 565 00:29:07,452 --> 00:29:09,457 and then he stopped, he talked to Adam Sandler, 566 00:29:09,590 --> 00:29:11,830 he was like, "I didn't know I was hurting Bobby Boucher." 567 00:29:11,895 --> 00:29:13,731 And then... 568 00:29:14,833 --> 00:29:18,108 And then he doubled down and became a super mega Nazi, 569 00:29:18,241 --> 00:29:23,251 he bought an all-black Klan robe, which you have to custom order, 570 00:29:23,384 --> 00:29:26,724 because, if there's one color they hate... 571 00:29:29,163 --> 00:29:31,346 If you would have told me my favorite rapper 572 00:29:31,358 --> 00:29:33,504 from 2004 would end up being anti-Semitic, 573 00:29:33,638 --> 00:29:36,911 I would have said, yeah, 50 Cent hates everybody. 574 00:29:40,218 --> 00:29:43,057 This is a character I'm working on called Anti-Semitic 50 Cent. 575 00:29:43,191 --> 00:29:45,529 Get ready, okay. Ready? Okay. 576 00:29:45,662 --> 00:29:49,103 "Man, this weather's terrible. You know whose fault it is? 577 00:29:49,236 --> 00:29:52,476 The J-j-j-j--" Okay, I wasn't... 578 00:29:53,444 --> 00:29:56,383 Anti-Semitic 50 Cent hates JaRulesalem. 579 00:29:56,517 --> 00:29:58,588 Okay, that can just stay here, 580 00:29:58,722 --> 00:30:00,725 that don't have to go nowhere. 581 00:30:00,859 --> 00:30:04,433 Kanye's going crazy, you got Elon Musk walking around... Ooooh. 582 00:30:04,566 --> 00:30:07,382 Okay, this is what I can say about Elon Musk, okay, listen, everyone listen, 583 00:30:07,406 --> 00:30:09,710 it's okay to be autistic. 584 00:30:10,746 --> 00:30:11,814 You can blink. 585 00:30:13,317 --> 00:30:15,622 It's not okay to look like that. 586 00:30:15,755 --> 00:30:17,426 Whoa, oh my God, 587 00:30:17,559 --> 00:30:22,235 you paid money to look like that? That's an after picture? Oooh. 588 00:30:22,368 --> 00:30:24,340 Listen, Elon Musk, he has this superpower, 589 00:30:24,473 --> 00:30:27,613 he's the only person I know who can turn me into a Republican from 2008. 590 00:30:27,746 --> 00:30:30,057 Because every time I see him, I go, 591 00:30:30,069 --> 00:30:32,924 "Oooh, get this goddamn African off my TV! 592 00:30:34,159 --> 00:30:37,933 What's he doing in the White House, he wasn't even born here? 593 00:30:38,067 --> 00:30:41,607 He's probably gonna bring one of his eight baby mamas." 594 00:30:43,711 --> 00:30:45,938 Whenever I talk about politics, people go, "Oh, 595 00:30:45,950 --> 00:30:48,188 Jay, do you ever regret anything you've said?" 596 00:30:48,321 --> 00:30:50,425 Recently, I do regret one thing, 597 00:30:50,558 --> 00:30:54,232 a couple months ago, I said something bad about Marjorie Taylor Greene, 598 00:30:54,366 --> 00:30:57,739 I said she has slightly equine features. 599 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:02,449 Okay, maybe that's not... 600 00:31:02,583 --> 00:31:04,820 What I actually said was she hates gay people 601 00:31:04,954 --> 00:31:06,824 because we can do ketamine for fun, 602 00:31:06,958 --> 00:31:10,632 and she still has to go to the vet to get a prescription. 603 00:31:10,765 --> 00:31:12,002 Now... 604 00:31:13,771 --> 00:31:18,883 No, don't, don't, no, that's not right. 605 00:31:19,016 --> 00:31:21,720 That's not right, don't clap for that, no, no, no, no. 606 00:31:21,854 --> 00:31:23,858 This is what I want y'all to know, 607 00:31:23,993 --> 00:31:26,473 I have reflected, and my friends said, "Jay find one nice thing 608 00:31:26,530 --> 00:31:29,236 to say about that lady," and I found it. Here's what I can say. 609 00:31:29,370 --> 00:31:32,775 I think if Marjorie Taylor Greene works very hard, next spring, 610 00:31:32,910 --> 00:31:35,883 she could win the Kentucky Derby. Now... 611 00:31:37,653 --> 00:31:41,694 If that's too mean, I will apologize in person with a sugar cube. 612 00:31:44,266 --> 00:31:46,437 Shh, stop, y'all, she scares easy. 613 00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:49,176 Okay, y'all remember 614 00:31:49,309 --> 00:31:53,184 when she brought that picture of Hunter Biden's dick to work, right? 615 00:31:53,318 --> 00:31:56,124 I get it, I get it, I pay taxes, let me see that dick, 616 00:31:56,257 --> 00:31:58,863 but don't, don't bring it to work, 617 00:31:58,996 --> 00:32:01,734 you know what that means, that means she woke up one morning, 618 00:32:01,868 --> 00:32:08,415 she took off her feed bag, she googled Hunter Biden's dick, 619 00:32:08,548 --> 00:32:10,451 these are hoofs, dick, 620 00:32:12,556 --> 00:32:17,732 printed it off, now she's trotting through Congress with the picture, 621 00:32:17,867 --> 00:32:22,476 this is dressage, and she burst into a meeting 622 00:32:22,609 --> 00:32:25,481 about how Americans can't pay rent or whatever, 623 00:32:25,615 --> 00:32:30,291 and she's like, that's not important, "We gotta talk about this dick!" 624 00:32:30,425 --> 00:32:32,632 And the rest of Congress said, "We wish 625 00:32:32,644 --> 00:32:35,034 we could say to her, 'Marjorie, neeeeh.'" 626 00:32:36,503 --> 00:32:38,474 Whoo, y'all. 627 00:32:38,607 --> 00:32:40,111 No, no, no. 628 00:32:42,382 --> 00:32:47,893 Y'all, please forgive me, I want some water, I'm a little horse. 629 00:32:50,498 --> 00:32:51,945 They love that joke in Georgia, they love it. 630 00:32:51,969 --> 00:32:53,671 I love telling that joke in the South, 631 00:32:53,804 --> 00:32:55,842 I love the South, I'm from the South, 632 00:32:55,976 --> 00:32:58,081 I love that I get to do this in the South. 633 00:32:58,214 --> 00:33:01,553 I'm from Mississippi, now, before... 634 00:33:01,687 --> 00:33:04,660 Thank you so much, that usually never happens, 635 00:33:05,863 --> 00:33:08,534 but I'm so happy that I get to do this in Louisiana, 636 00:33:08,668 --> 00:33:11,574 because if you don't know, Louisiana, that's what happens if Mississippi 637 00:33:11,707 --> 00:33:13,510 takes French in high school. 638 00:33:15,682 --> 00:33:18,621 And every time I come to Louisiana, my favorite thing is they go, 639 00:33:18,754 --> 00:33:22,028 "We're so different," they'll be like, "Yeah, I'm so different, I'm Creole." 640 00:33:22,161 --> 00:33:24,032 I'm like, "Yeah, I'm glad you brought up rape." 641 00:33:26,637 --> 00:33:28,641 Oh, y'all don't have U.S. History? 642 00:33:29,676 --> 00:33:31,680 Whenever I talk about Mississippi, 643 00:33:31,814 --> 00:33:34,829 people get so invested, they go, "Oh, Jay, where are you from in Mississippi?" 644 00:33:34,853 --> 00:33:36,653 And I tell them, I'm from Canton, Mississippi, 645 00:33:36,690 --> 00:33:41,667 so technically, I am Cantonese, #stopAsianhate. 646 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:45,842 Now, as a Blasian, I do want to say, 647 00:33:45,977 --> 00:33:48,447 I'm so proud of my community. 648 00:33:48,581 --> 00:33:50,457 At one point in time, y'all, Canton, Mississippi 649 00:33:50,469 --> 00:33:51,964 was the movie capital of Mississippi. 650 00:33:51,988 --> 00:33:53,958 That means we shot four movies there. 651 00:33:54,125 --> 00:33:56,496 We shot Mississippi Burning, A Time to Kill, My Dog Skip, 652 00:33:56,630 --> 00:33:58,001 and Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou. 653 00:33:58,134 --> 00:34:00,438 That means, if you ever saw a movie in the 90s 654 00:34:00,571 --> 00:34:03,677 with a group of white men saying, "Get 'em." that's where I'm from. 655 00:34:04,947 --> 00:34:07,218 I'm from, Get 'Em, Mississippi. 656 00:34:07,352 --> 00:34:09,925 Now, I went to school in Mississippi. Yeah, we got those. 657 00:34:10,058 --> 00:34:13,064 I went to school in Mississippi, and for college, I went to Ole Miss. 658 00:34:13,197 --> 00:34:16,436 Now, Ole Miss became very hotty toddy, 659 00:34:16,570 --> 00:34:19,510 Ole Miss became very popular because of a certain football movie, 660 00:34:19,676 --> 00:34:22,156 - we all know the movie, y'all can say it. - The Blind Side. 661 00:34:22,182 --> 00:34:24,095 The Blind Side. If you don't know The Blind Side, 662 00:34:24,119 --> 00:34:29,096 it's this documentary about this rich family from Memphis 663 00:34:29,229 --> 00:34:33,604 who kidnap this large African-American man 664 00:34:33,737 --> 00:34:36,476 in the hopes that Sandra Bullock could get an Oscar. 665 00:34:36,610 --> 00:34:40,618 And it worked out for the best, no one's mad, don't look it up. 666 00:34:40,752 --> 00:34:45,228 So after Ole Miss, I went to University of Alabama 667 00:34:45,361 --> 00:34:47,165 because I love being scared. 668 00:34:49,904 --> 00:34:52,776 If you look at a map, Mississippi and Alabama are back-to-back, like, 669 00:34:52,910 --> 00:34:55,148 "Nuh-uh, she's trash." 670 00:34:56,150 --> 00:34:59,924 And you're like, "Girls, stop fighting, y'all have the same dad." 671 00:35:00,058 --> 00:35:03,564 Now, when I was at the University of Alabama, 672 00:35:03,698 --> 00:35:06,737 I was a graduate teaching assistant, I taught a very controversial subject, 673 00:35:06,872 --> 00:35:09,877 I taught conversion therapy, don't worry, it was in the right direction, 674 00:35:10,011 --> 00:35:12,449 straight to gay. Or as they called it, 675 00:35:12,582 --> 00:35:14,719 "Introduction to theater for non-majors." 676 00:35:18,327 --> 00:35:20,398 As a first-year teacher who teaches theater, 677 00:35:20,532 --> 00:35:23,637 your job is to go, "You're gonna be an amazing actor." 678 00:35:25,375 --> 00:35:26,944 "You, business school!" 679 00:35:28,380 --> 00:35:31,153 So I love being in the South, but then, when you move to New York, 680 00:35:31,286 --> 00:35:33,057 people have all these questions, they go, 681 00:35:33,190 --> 00:35:35,190 "Oh, Jay, you must be happy to be out of the South. 682 00:35:35,261 --> 00:35:37,666 The racism down there must be so pronounced." 683 00:35:37,799 --> 00:35:40,319 And I always tell them, "Y'all pronounced it just fine up here!" 684 00:35:41,674 --> 00:35:43,306 They'll say stuff like, "Oh, Jay, you must feel 685 00:35:43,318 --> 00:35:44,857 so much more comfortable in New York City." 686 00:35:44,881 --> 00:35:48,087 That's when I have to say, "Well, to tell you the truth, officer, 687 00:35:48,220 --> 00:35:50,124 these handcuffs are a little snug." 688 00:35:51,527 --> 00:35:54,333 So whenever I leave, whenever I left the South, 689 00:35:54,466 --> 00:35:56,981 people said, "Oh, Jay, what do you miss? What do you miss? What do you miss?" 690 00:35:57,005 --> 00:36:00,178 And y'all, I miss my family, I miss my niece, I love my niece. 691 00:36:00,311 --> 00:36:02,191 But unfortunately, y'all, my niece loves Chick-fil-A. 692 00:36:02,215 --> 00:36:04,353 Now, I don't want y'all to judge her, 693 00:36:04,486 --> 00:36:07,000 she doesn't know any better, she's only seven, she is just a bigot. 694 00:36:07,024 --> 00:36:10,264 But if you were to ask me, I'm gonna tell you straight up, 695 00:36:10,397 --> 00:36:14,039 Chick-fil-A, that company is not getting any of my husband's dad's money. 696 00:36:14,173 --> 00:36:16,810 In fact, you take me to Chick-fil-A, I'm gonna hold a protest. 697 00:36:16,944 --> 00:36:19,783 And by hold a protest, I mean I'm gonna walk in, buy something, 698 00:36:19,918 --> 00:36:22,622 get on their Wi-Fi, and watch gay porn. 699 00:36:25,395 --> 00:36:27,141 And about halfway through, I'm gonna be like, 700 00:36:27,165 --> 00:36:31,173 oh my God, that dude works at Chick-fil-A. 701 00:36:31,306 --> 00:36:33,410 The title of the film, My Pleasure. 702 00:36:33,544 --> 00:36:36,951 Oh, gross, that is not ranch. 703 00:36:38,453 --> 00:36:41,193 You like that one? I can't even tell that joke on Sundays. 704 00:36:42,763 --> 00:36:45,401 Here's the other thing, they say, Jay, what food do you miss? 705 00:36:45,535 --> 00:36:48,074 I miss good old-fashioned Southern barbecue, that's what I miss. 706 00:36:48,207 --> 00:36:50,607 What I don't miss is that recently, over the past five years, 707 00:36:50,711 --> 00:36:53,718 every Southern barbecue place has gotten way too sexual with their name. 708 00:36:53,851 --> 00:36:56,247 Now they're all named stuff like Big Daddy's 709 00:36:56,259 --> 00:36:58,394 Meat Shack, or Lil Dicky's Smokehouse. 710 00:36:58,527 --> 00:37:00,967 You walk in, open the menu, it's just full of double entendre. 711 00:37:00,999 --> 00:37:03,737 It's just them saying stuff like, "Here at Big Daddy's Meat Shack, 712 00:37:03,872 --> 00:37:05,375 we treat our meat right. 713 00:37:05,508 --> 00:37:08,614 We let hickory and pecan edge our meat for 16 hours, 714 00:37:08,748 --> 00:37:11,888 and then we serve it up to you wet with our three sauces, 715 00:37:12,021 --> 00:37:14,325 regular, spicy, and on my tits, please." 716 00:37:16,029 --> 00:37:18,167 Y'all, I just want a pulled pork sandwich, 717 00:37:18,300 --> 00:37:22,175 Now, Pulled Pork, favorite gay bar in New York City, 718 00:37:22,309 --> 00:37:25,115 but it's also an amazing sandwich. 719 00:37:25,248 --> 00:37:27,286 Pulled pork comes from the pork butt, 720 00:37:27,419 --> 00:37:29,365 but the pork butt isn't the pig's butt, it's the pig's shoulder. 721 00:37:29,389 --> 00:37:32,095 But y'all are smart, so y'all know I love shoulder sex. 722 00:37:32,228 --> 00:37:36,536 I have to come up with a vegetarian version of that joke, 723 00:37:36,670 --> 00:37:38,875 because my husband has been flirting with vegetarianism, 724 00:37:39,009 --> 00:37:43,217 so naturally, I have been flirting with other boys, so if you want... 725 00:37:43,350 --> 00:37:45,965 if you want vegetarian pulled pork, use something called jackfruit. 726 00:37:45,989 --> 00:37:51,700 Now, Jackfruit, second favorite gay bar in New York City, it is an amazing spot, 727 00:37:51,834 --> 00:37:55,208 lower east side, really more of a queer space, they accept all types, 728 00:37:55,341 --> 00:37:59,115 and that's what I love about the LGBBQ community. 729 00:37:59,249 --> 00:38:04,593 It is so diverse, so vast, so open, so accepting, right? 730 00:38:04,726 --> 00:38:07,132 Texas barbecue is different than Kansas City barbecue, 731 00:38:07,265 --> 00:38:09,636 Kansas City barbecue is different than Memphis barbecue, 732 00:38:09,770 --> 00:38:11,456 in the Carolinas, it's not even considered 733 00:38:11,468 --> 00:38:13,044 barbecue, unless you do the whole hog. 734 00:38:13,177 --> 00:38:16,416 Now Whole Hog is the last gay bar I'm gonna mention, 735 00:38:18,521 --> 00:38:21,660 it's probably my favorite spot, it's up in Harlem, close to me, 736 00:38:21,793 --> 00:38:24,199 they have a specialty drink called the Langston Huge, 737 00:38:24,333 --> 00:38:26,470 and that joke is not just a callback, 738 00:38:26,603 --> 00:38:29,743 it also lets me know who took an African-American study course. Right? 739 00:38:30,345 --> 00:38:32,888 Because sometimes Black people hear that joke, 740 00:38:32,900 --> 00:38:35,454 and they go, "Langston Hughes was gay? What?" 741 00:38:35,588 --> 00:38:37,927 And I go, "You didn't hear me say poet?" 742 00:38:38,060 --> 00:38:41,066 And then sometimes white people hear that joke, and they go, "Who?" 743 00:38:41,767 --> 00:38:45,274 But I'm proud of y'all, y'all laughing. It's not even February. 744 00:38:45,408 --> 00:38:47,278 Or June. Okay, 745 00:38:48,814 --> 00:38:51,586 I want to play a game with y'all, because y'all have been so much fun. 746 00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:54,101 This is what we're gonna do, and a lot of times, a lot of times, I say, 747 00:38:54,125 --> 00:38:56,925 I don't want people to talk. This is the only chance y'all get to talk, 748 00:38:56,998 --> 00:38:58,834 the rest of the night is about me. 749 00:38:58,968 --> 00:39:02,409 So I'm gonna call out an age group, a generation, if you will. 750 00:39:02,542 --> 00:39:05,681 If you identify with this generation, you get to make some noise, 751 00:39:05,814 --> 00:39:10,591 so let's start with our most respected members, Baby Boomers, make some 752 00:39:14,666 --> 00:39:16,503 Okay, on the count of three, 753 00:39:16,637 --> 00:39:19,409 kill them. No, stop, sit down. 754 00:39:19,542 --> 00:39:22,983 No, I don't want you dead, I just want property, okay. 755 00:39:24,485 --> 00:39:26,733 I love Baby Boomers, I think y'all are the best... hypocrites. 756 00:39:26,757 --> 00:39:31,333 They invented the pill, had all the sex, invented drugs, did all the drugs, 757 00:39:31,467 --> 00:39:33,823 and the minute they turned 45, they're like, 758 00:39:33,835 --> 00:39:36,042 "Actually, that's against the rules. Ha! 759 00:39:36,176 --> 00:39:38,046 Good luck getting a yard." 760 00:39:38,180 --> 00:39:42,555 Now, let's do my people. Millennials, make some noise. 761 00:39:45,562 --> 00:39:49,068 Yeah, you hear that, that is what poverty sounds like. 762 00:39:49,702 --> 00:39:52,442 Yeah, I love y'all, I'm in the same boat. 763 00:39:52,575 --> 00:39:54,245 When I first moved to New York City, 764 00:39:54,379 --> 00:39:56,850 one of my friends made $100,000 more than me. 765 00:39:56,984 --> 00:39:59,022 Yeah, that's right, he made $80,000. 766 00:39:59,155 --> 00:40:01,126 Another one of my friends... 767 00:40:03,430 --> 00:40:06,803 People will say, we haven't made anything as Millennials, 768 00:40:06,938 --> 00:40:10,078 we made some pretty cool stuff, we made emo rap. 769 00:40:10,211 --> 00:40:12,448 If you don't know what emo rap is, 770 00:40:12,582 --> 00:40:14,729 it's what happens when you have a Hot Topic next to a Footlocker. 771 00:40:14,753 --> 00:40:16,156 Emo rap is... 772 00:40:17,158 --> 00:40:20,664 How can I explain it? The chemical formula is Fallout Soulja Boy. 773 00:40:20,798 --> 00:40:25,308 Emo rap is a bunch of young Black kids on stage 774 00:40:25,441 --> 00:40:30,618 saying stuff like, "I got hoes, but it's too many." 775 00:40:32,122 --> 00:40:35,461 It's just them saying things like, "I'd shoot you if guns weren't so loud," 776 00:40:35,594 --> 00:40:39,336 and then, and then they brag about the most mundane stuff. 777 00:40:39,470 --> 00:40:41,282 They're always like, "Where I'm from, it's only one way out!" 778 00:40:41,306 --> 00:40:44,045 I'm like, yeah, Brandon, that's how cul-de-sacs work. 779 00:40:47,385 --> 00:40:50,391 Every emo rapper sounds like a baby, 780 00:40:50,524 --> 00:40:53,030 but also sounds like a horny baby. 781 00:40:53,163 --> 00:40:54,499 They just all sound like... 782 00:41:04,018 --> 00:41:05,320 Balenciaga. 783 00:41:07,659 --> 00:41:09,874 I also don't like emo rappers, because emo rappers have face tattoos, 784 00:41:09,898 --> 00:41:11,867 and I don't like face tattoos. 785 00:41:12,001 --> 00:41:14,448 Not because of what they represent, but because of what they do to me. 786 00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:16,193 All around, so progressive, love is love, 787 00:41:16,205 --> 00:41:17,980 gender is fluid, sexuality is a spectrum, 788 00:41:18,113 --> 00:41:20,986 do whatever you want to do, but the minute I see a face tattoo, 789 00:41:21,119 --> 00:41:23,090 I instantly turn into a Baby Boomer. 790 00:41:23,224 --> 00:41:25,594 The minute I see a face tattoo, it's just... 791 00:41:29,135 --> 00:41:30,304 Get a job. 792 00:41:34,479 --> 00:41:36,319 Pull up your pants, drink some milk from a cow, 793 00:41:36,416 --> 00:41:39,388 put on some stockings, help me attach this PDF. 794 00:41:39,522 --> 00:41:44,265 Oh, by the way, the president is a good man, 795 00:41:44,398 --> 00:41:48,440 he's doing his best, goddamnit, now call me for a brisk walk around the mall. 796 00:41:52,883 --> 00:41:54,486 Have you pooped today? 797 00:41:55,622 --> 00:41:57,625 I haven't had a good bowel movement in weeks. 798 00:41:57,759 --> 00:41:59,596 oh, don't be alarmed, but me and your mama, 799 00:41:59,729 --> 00:42:02,001 we're trying something new in the bedroom. 800 00:42:02,135 --> 00:42:05,507 Ever since you moved out, we turned your room into a playroom for adults. 801 00:42:05,641 --> 00:42:08,781 Yeah, we bought a Hitachi Magic Wand. 802 00:42:08,915 --> 00:42:10,679 Hitachi, I used to think that's when the 803 00:42:10,691 --> 00:42:12,555 Japanese food was cooked in front of you. 804 00:42:12,689 --> 00:42:16,997 But me and your mama, we've been having quite a time, 805 00:42:17,131 --> 00:42:18,667 last night we had to put a towel down." 806 00:42:18,801 --> 00:42:22,242 Hey, that's a joke about your mom squirting, 807 00:42:23,577 --> 00:42:27,118 and just so we're clear, how do we feel about older women squirting? 808 00:42:29,322 --> 00:42:32,528 No! They could slip and fall. Is that what you want? 809 00:42:32,662 --> 00:42:35,067 Is that what you need? You wanna make this phone call? 810 00:42:35,201 --> 00:42:37,438 "Yeah, I found Mom. 811 00:42:38,540 --> 00:42:42,215 Okay, good news, good news, she looks peaceful. Um... 812 00:42:43,184 --> 00:42:45,688 The bad news is, it's stuck, yeah, 813 00:42:45,822 --> 00:42:48,661 it's a real Sword in the Stone situation over here. 814 00:42:50,498 --> 00:42:52,941 Some of y'all are gonna go home and have to 815 00:42:52,953 --> 00:42:55,408 look at her in the eye after hearing this. 816 00:42:55,541 --> 00:42:57,880 I make fun of older people, but I am getting older. 817 00:42:58,013 --> 00:43:01,453 You know how I know? I'm starting to look very good in a robe. 818 00:43:01,586 --> 00:43:04,759 Yeah, that robe is starting to feel appropriate. 819 00:43:04,894 --> 00:43:08,034 When my nephew wears a robe, I go, look at you, you think you're a grown-up. 820 00:43:08,167 --> 00:43:11,673 When I wear a robe, kids in neighborhoods say, "We're sorry, 821 00:43:11,807 --> 00:43:14,679 we will keep the music down, Mr. Jurden, we understand." 822 00:43:14,813 --> 00:43:16,245 I'm like, yeah, that's a lot of commotion, 823 00:43:16,257 --> 00:43:17,461 y'all are keeping up this evening, 824 00:43:17,485 --> 00:43:19,555 I'm about to draw my bath and have my supper, 825 00:43:19,689 --> 00:43:21,492 and y'all are out here with the boom-de-boom. 826 00:43:23,630 --> 00:43:25,670 Oh, my, I'm so happy, I know about the boom-de-boom. 827 00:43:25,701 --> 00:43:28,061 Okay, God, thank God, so if you don't know the boom-de-boom, 828 00:43:28,140 --> 00:43:33,083 it's this audio phenomenon prevalent in African-American older people. 829 00:43:33,216 --> 00:43:35,932 So what happens is, the older you get, you can't hear higher frequencies. 830 00:43:35,956 --> 00:43:39,036 So when they hear a rap song, they don't hear lyrics, they just hear the bass, 831 00:43:39,062 --> 00:43:40,597 they hear the boom-de-boom. 832 00:43:40,731 --> 00:43:43,070 It happened to my mom earlier than I would have liked. 833 00:43:43,203 --> 00:43:44,772 So I was going to high school, I was finally 834 00:43:44,784 --> 00:43:46,185 on the front seat, riding with my mom, 835 00:43:46,209 --> 00:43:50,284 I said, "Mom, I'm 15 now, can we please listen to rap in the morning?" 836 00:43:50,418 --> 00:43:52,531 She said, "Nah, it's way too early for the boom-de-boom." 837 00:43:52,555 --> 00:43:54,759 I said, "Well, what are we gonna listen to?" 838 00:43:54,894 --> 00:44:00,270 She said, "As a family, we are going to listen to very sensual R&B." 839 00:44:07,384 --> 00:44:10,959 Have you ever had to be 15 next to your mom 840 00:44:11,093 --> 00:44:13,730 as she squirms to Maxwell? 841 00:44:15,902 --> 00:44:20,110 You don't have pretty wings, Margaret, he's not singing about you. 842 00:44:21,746 --> 00:44:24,219 Oh, y'all, I feel terrible, I forgot about one group, 843 00:44:24,352 --> 00:44:27,158 I forgot about Gen-X. Gen-X, any Gen-Xers here? 844 00:44:27,291 --> 00:44:29,897 Okay, hell yeah. 845 00:44:30,030 --> 00:44:31,700 I love y'all, I have a question. 846 00:44:31,834 --> 00:44:35,107 why were y'all so easy to molest? what was happening? 847 00:44:36,410 --> 00:44:39,682 I like the fact they still laugh because they have lead paint in their systems. 848 00:44:41,086 --> 00:44:43,290 No, if you were molested as a Gen-Xer, 849 00:44:43,423 --> 00:44:45,896 you just weren't cute. Okay. 850 00:44:46,029 --> 00:44:50,570 Finally, let's do my new favorite group, Gen-Z? 851 00:44:51,540 --> 00:44:54,412 Okay, yeah, I'm proud of you. 852 00:44:55,214 --> 00:44:56,616 Outside? 853 00:45:03,697 --> 00:45:04,832 Right? 854 00:45:06,636 --> 00:45:10,678 Making eye contact, that's a big deal. 855 00:45:10,811 --> 00:45:14,419 I'm gonna make you make a phone call next. They hate that. 856 00:45:14,552 --> 00:45:18,694 No, I love Gen-Z, I love Gen-Z, I love Gen-Z because Gen-Z is so intense. 857 00:45:18,827 --> 00:45:21,643 Every time two Gen-Zers meet on the street, this is what it sounds like. 858 00:45:21,667 --> 00:45:24,271 "Oh, my God, you're stunning, you're a diva, you're a model, 859 00:45:24,405 --> 00:45:26,118 you're a goddess, you're a legend, you're an icon. 860 00:45:26,142 --> 00:45:27,742 What's his name? You're too good for him. 861 00:45:27,778 --> 00:45:31,586 Did you know all of this is stolen land? Anyway. 862 00:45:33,958 --> 00:45:36,697 I just saw a TikTok that let me know I might be autistic. 863 00:45:36,830 --> 00:45:40,204 Or it was an ad for clothes, I do not know. 864 00:45:40,337 --> 00:45:43,844 But what I do know is that one day you're gonna see me on the big screen, 865 00:45:43,978 --> 00:45:46,383 slay, mama." 866 00:45:46,516 --> 00:45:49,188 And y'all, that is just the straight boys. 867 00:45:50,390 --> 00:45:54,065 Woo! They are painting their fingernails, my God. 868 00:45:54,199 --> 00:45:55,664 When I see these young Gen-Z straight boys 869 00:45:55,676 --> 00:45:57,047 being able to paint their fingernails, 870 00:45:57,071 --> 00:45:59,275 dress how they want to dress, live authentically, 871 00:45:59,409 --> 00:46:00,859 I just want to walk up to them with a 872 00:46:00,871 --> 00:46:02,569 smile on my face, outstretch arms and say, 873 00:46:02,648 --> 00:46:03,783 "Faggot." 874 00:46:10,263 --> 00:46:12,234 I've been in this state too long. 875 00:46:13,938 --> 00:46:15,909 Oh, sad part is, 876 00:46:16,042 --> 00:46:18,962 some straight men in here, that's gonna be your favorite joke of the show. 877 00:46:19,415 --> 00:46:22,821 They're gonna go home and be like, "Oh, when that faggot said faggot, 878 00:46:26,296 --> 00:46:27,899 go off, sis." 879 00:46:30,270 --> 00:46:33,911 Oh, that word is so scary to some people, but I think it's funny. 880 00:46:34,045 --> 00:46:37,351 It's a funny word in context and with rules. 881 00:46:37,484 --> 00:46:39,422 Applied within the rules, it's very funny, okay, 882 00:46:39,555 --> 00:46:40,955 and I'm gonna tell y'all the rules. 883 00:46:41,058 --> 00:46:42,662 I shouldn't even tell y'all the rules, 884 00:46:42,795 --> 00:46:45,067 because we only talk about it at the meetings, 885 00:46:46,036 --> 00:46:48,649 but no, but there are a couple of rules when it comes to dropping a pink f-bomb, 886 00:46:48,673 --> 00:46:50,554 so here are two rules when it comes to the word faggot. 887 00:46:50,578 --> 00:46:53,117 Number one, dykes can say faggot, 888 00:46:53,250 --> 00:46:54,920 because the faggot just said dyke. 889 00:46:55,053 --> 00:46:57,624 I believe that's math. Um... 890 00:46:58,827 --> 00:47:00,697 I think they call it the transitive property, 891 00:47:00,831 --> 00:47:03,771 also transitive genders, they can say it too. 892 00:47:03,905 --> 00:47:05,541 Here's the second rule for the boys. 893 00:47:05,674 --> 00:47:07,445 Men, you have to think about it like this, 894 00:47:07,578 --> 00:47:09,315 the law of equivalent exchange. 895 00:47:09,448 --> 00:47:11,319 The word faggot can come out of your mouth 896 00:47:11,452 --> 00:47:14,325 as many times as a faggot has gone in it, so... 897 00:47:18,833 --> 00:47:21,539 So, if you were in a frat, you can say it. 898 00:47:23,945 --> 00:47:26,449 I think faggot is scary only when it's tied to homophobia, 899 00:47:26,583 --> 00:47:28,487 and homophobia is never funny. 900 00:47:28,620 --> 00:47:30,925 Except for these next three jokes. 901 00:47:31,059 --> 00:47:34,498 Okay, so y'all, it's not funny, it's not funny, it's not funny, 902 00:47:34,632 --> 00:47:36,947 homophobia is real, I recently had to deal with some homophobia 903 00:47:36,971 --> 00:47:39,876 and by that I mean, I did not get my way. 904 00:47:40,010 --> 00:47:43,516 I was walking in Harlem, 905 00:47:43,650 --> 00:47:46,322 I'm gonna be honest, I was prancing in Harlem, 906 00:47:46,455 --> 00:47:48,135 and I happened to prance across this church 907 00:47:48,259 --> 00:47:50,865 and this church had a sign and the marquee said, 908 00:47:50,998 --> 00:47:53,637 "gentrifying homos are ruining Harlem." 909 00:47:53,770 --> 00:47:55,841 And all I could think is, "Oh my god, 910 00:47:55,975 --> 00:47:58,580 that's a crazy way to say thank you for the new Trader Joe's." 911 00:47:59,816 --> 00:48:01,702 What I want to say is, how about I gentrify 912 00:48:01,714 --> 00:48:03,524 your mouth with my dick, how about that? 913 00:48:03,657 --> 00:48:05,494 But I didn't, I behaved myself. 914 00:48:05,627 --> 00:48:08,042 The other time I had to deal with homophobia, I was asking for it. 915 00:48:08,066 --> 00:48:10,337 I was on Twitter, that's kind of where it's manufactured. 916 00:48:10,471 --> 00:48:14,913 And so I was tweeting and a person saw one of my tweets and responded, 917 00:48:15,047 --> 00:48:16,917 "Why do we care what you think, you're gay." 918 00:48:17,051 --> 00:48:19,288 And I said, "Please don't tell my husband." 919 00:48:19,422 --> 00:48:21,459 He didn't like that. 920 00:48:21,593 --> 00:48:24,575 So then he responded, "I'm gonna shut you up, I know what you gay guys like." 921 00:48:24,599 --> 00:48:26,569 And he sent me a picture of a rock hard dick. 922 00:48:26,703 --> 00:48:33,918 Now, before I could type "Yummy," he replied, "By the way, that's not mine." 923 00:48:36,723 --> 00:48:38,148 Wait a minute, hold on, hold on, hold on, 924 00:48:38,160 --> 00:48:39,738 hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. 925 00:48:39,762 --> 00:48:43,704 My heterosexual brother in Christ, are you... 926 00:48:43,837 --> 00:48:48,580 Are you saving dicks that aren't yours on your phone 927 00:48:48,713 --> 00:48:51,921 to send to me, after calling me gay? 928 00:48:52,054 --> 00:48:56,028 Baby, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're an ally. 929 00:49:00,403 --> 00:49:02,374 And sometimes when it comes to homophobia, 930 00:49:02,507 --> 00:49:04,215 you think someone's homophobic, but they're 931 00:49:04,227 --> 00:49:05,747 not, that's just how they be talking. 932 00:49:05,882 --> 00:49:07,542 It happened with my Aunt Jackie. Now I 933 00:49:07,554 --> 00:49:09,622 thought my Aunt Jackie didn't like gay people, 934 00:49:09,755 --> 00:49:11,148 I don't know, she's a woman of a certain age, 935 00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:12,471 I thought she wasn't comfortable with us. 936 00:49:12,495 --> 00:49:14,216 So then I go to her one Christmas and I don't 937 00:49:14,228 --> 00:49:15,845 bring the man who will become my husband, 938 00:49:15,869 --> 00:49:17,231 she pulled me into the kitchen, she said, 939 00:49:17,243 --> 00:49:18,583 "Hey Jay, I want you to know something, 940 00:49:18,607 --> 00:49:20,466 at family gatherings like this, everyone is 941 00:49:20,478 --> 00:49:22,348 welcome, and by everyone, I mean everyone. 942 00:49:22,481 --> 00:49:23,783 Bring him next time." 943 00:49:23,918 --> 00:49:25,438 So I brought my husband the next year, 944 00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:27,000 they hit it off, now they're besties, 945 00:49:27,024 --> 00:49:29,328 they're having a good time, a good kiki. 946 00:49:29,462 --> 00:49:34,005 Now we have another problem, my Aunt has become too comfortable with the gays, 947 00:49:34,138 --> 00:49:35,474 we have overcorrected. 948 00:49:35,607 --> 00:49:37,578 When my Aunt sees a gay couple, 949 00:49:37,711 --> 00:49:39,692 what I want her to say is, "Oh my gosh, they look so happy together." 950 00:49:39,716 --> 00:49:41,252 What she says instead is, 951 00:49:41,386 --> 00:49:44,358 "Ooh, I bet the big one be tearing the little one up." 952 00:49:54,712 --> 00:49:58,786 Mm, I liked it better when we were going to hell, Jackie. I don't know. 953 00:50:01,326 --> 00:50:05,234 I also love the fact that whenever I do these shows 954 00:50:05,367 --> 00:50:07,015 and people get to laugh at all of my inner 955 00:50:07,027 --> 00:50:08,607 thoughts, I feel so connected to y'all. 956 00:50:08,640 --> 00:50:11,712 I feel so connected, in fact, that I'm going to tell y'all a secret 957 00:50:11,846 --> 00:50:15,287 and this cannot leave this room, okay. 958 00:50:15,421 --> 00:50:18,527 This is a secret I've only told thousands of other people, okay. 959 00:50:18,660 --> 00:50:21,868 Stop. Okay, y'all, I'm not even gay. 960 00:50:22,001 --> 00:50:26,543 I just want to be marketable, but I'm not straight, 961 00:50:26,676 --> 00:50:28,780 I am queer, as in "everybody's hot," 962 00:50:28,915 --> 00:50:31,719 not gay as in "remind the teacher we have homework." 963 00:50:31,853 --> 00:50:32,956 I am... 964 00:50:35,861 --> 00:50:36,897 M'kay, 965 00:50:37,364 --> 00:50:42,074 I'm bi because it is 2025 and women also make money, 966 00:50:42,208 --> 00:50:46,282 so that's where I am financially and sexually. 967 00:50:46,415 --> 00:50:48,655 Right, ladies, don't you want someone who can please you, 968 00:50:48,786 --> 00:50:50,523 who also enjoys petty gossip, right? 969 00:50:50,657 --> 00:50:52,896 I can hit you with the "ooh girl" and the "ooh girl." 970 00:50:53,029 --> 00:50:55,969 Listen, I will eat pussy right now 971 00:50:56,102 --> 00:50:59,242 if it's in the fridge and I don't feel like cooking. 972 00:50:59,375 --> 00:51:02,614 Now, some people don't trust that, some people don't believe me, 973 00:51:02,748 --> 00:51:06,522 but yes, I can have pussy every now and then as a treat, but here's the problem. 974 00:51:06,656 --> 00:51:09,128 Because I'm bi, when I eat pussy, I eat pussy very gay, 975 00:51:09,262 --> 00:51:12,034 on my stomach with my feet up, just... 976 00:51:13,770 --> 00:51:20,117 The whole time I'm like, "Oh my gosh. is this from scratch? Wait. 977 00:51:21,286 --> 00:51:23,856 Wait a second, wait a second, what'd you put in there? 978 00:51:23,991 --> 00:51:26,162 Hold on, don't tell me, don't tell me, 979 00:51:26,296 --> 00:51:27,798 cardamom?" 980 00:51:28,901 --> 00:51:30,704 I told one of my friends I was bi, 981 00:51:30,837 --> 00:51:32,997 he said, "Great, Jay, you're just coming out as horny?" 982 00:51:33,109 --> 00:51:34,178 I was like, yeah. 983 00:51:36,316 --> 00:51:38,363 I told another one of my friends I was bi and she said, 984 00:51:38,387 --> 00:51:40,057 "But I showed you my titties." 985 00:51:40,190 --> 00:51:43,163 And I said, "Yep, that's what did it. Great titties." 986 00:51:43,296 --> 00:51:45,978 And yes, for the purpose of this joke, I am gonna say the word titties, 987 00:51:46,002 --> 00:51:47,802 I'm not gonna say breast, I'm not a scientist. 988 00:51:47,838 --> 00:51:49,842 I'm not gonna say tits, those sound sharp. 989 00:51:49,976 --> 00:51:52,381 I want to say the fun word, 990 00:51:52,514 --> 00:51:55,354 t-i-double-d-i-e-s, tiddies. 991 00:51:55,487 --> 00:51:57,725 Think about it this way, breast, 992 00:51:57,737 --> 00:52:00,831 occupational, tiddies, recreational, right. 993 00:52:00,965 --> 00:52:02,668 Okay, go with me, go with me, go with me, 994 00:52:02,802 --> 00:52:06,175 in my opinion, tiddies have never had cancer, 995 00:52:08,513 --> 00:52:09,883 strictly a breast issue. 996 00:52:10,017 --> 00:52:12,788 And if you have titty cancer, 997 00:52:12,923 --> 00:52:15,227 then you also have an extremely unprofessional doctor, 998 00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:19,435 just the kind of guy who walks in and goes, 999 00:52:19,568 --> 00:52:21,038 "Let me see 'em." 1000 00:52:24,579 --> 00:52:26,749 "Yeah, you caught me, I'm a dentist." 1001 00:52:29,389 --> 00:52:31,459 I love to getting to share stuff with y'all. 1002 00:52:31,593 --> 00:52:33,696 I've been better about sharing things, 1003 00:52:33,830 --> 00:52:35,502 I finally got into therapy, I love my 1004 00:52:35,514 --> 00:52:37,471 therapist, she's a Black woman with locks, 1005 00:52:37,605 --> 00:52:39,175 so it's gonna work. 1006 00:52:39,308 --> 00:52:42,714 And I'm just so happy, y'all. She's truly the best. 1007 00:52:42,848 --> 00:52:46,455 One time she hit me with a "mm" and I was like, "Oh, that fixed it." Okay... 1008 00:52:46,589 --> 00:52:48,527 Okay, that's exactly what I needed. 1009 00:52:48,660 --> 00:52:50,563 So, y'all, she's been diagnosing me, 1010 00:52:50,697 --> 00:52:52,611 which that's what they get paid to do. This is what she told me. 1011 00:52:52,635 --> 00:52:55,908 She said, "Jay, I think you have a little bit of narcissism." 1012 00:52:56,041 --> 00:52:58,012 And I said, huh, I wasn't paying attention. 1013 00:52:59,314 --> 00:53:01,085 I got narcissism, 1014 00:53:01,385 --> 00:53:03,900 I also have a little bit of depression, not a lot, just a little. 1015 00:53:03,924 --> 00:53:06,429 Just enough to be very good at taking naps, you know. 1016 00:53:06,562 --> 00:53:10,236 A nap, that's when you medically want to be dead for a little bit, okay. 1017 00:53:10,370 --> 00:53:13,242 All right, if someone's laughing hard, check on them. 1018 00:53:13,376 --> 00:53:16,549 Okay, it's never who you think. You're loved, okay. 1019 00:53:16,683 --> 00:53:18,353 And finally, finally, I have anxiety. 1020 00:53:18,487 --> 00:53:21,058 My anxiety manifests itself primarily as insomnia, 1021 00:53:21,192 --> 00:53:23,530 so to combat that insomnia, I got a white noise machine, 1022 00:53:23,663 --> 00:53:26,870 but my husband doesn't like it when I call him that. 1023 00:53:29,609 --> 00:53:31,981 Okay, okay, people hear that joke, 1024 00:53:32,114 --> 00:53:34,318 any white husband, "How white is he?" 1025 00:53:34,451 --> 00:53:36,155 Cryptocurrency level white. 1026 00:53:36,289 --> 00:53:38,627 Yeah, He works in cryptocurrency, which is really fun, 1027 00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:40,477 because that means every week, he gets 1028 00:53:40,489 --> 00:53:42,401 to tell me if we still have an apartment. 1029 00:53:42,534 --> 00:53:43,803 He... 1030 00:53:44,071 --> 00:53:46,542 He's that level of white where he loves denim. 1031 00:53:46,676 --> 00:53:48,968 He's got all the jeans, he's got straight 1032 00:53:48,980 --> 00:53:51,452 leg jeans, boot cut jeans, recessive jeans, 1033 00:53:51,585 --> 00:53:53,123 he's got them all. 1034 00:53:53,824 --> 00:53:56,296 One time we went to a protest, we took different paths there 1035 00:53:56,429 --> 00:53:59,034 because I don't want to bring ants to a picnic, and so we went, 1036 00:53:59,168 --> 00:54:01,215 and there was this guy with a microphone and a speaker, 1037 00:54:01,239 --> 00:54:03,644 and he was saying stuff people need to hear. 1038 00:54:03,777 --> 00:54:05,040 He was saying stuff like, "White people 1039 00:54:05,052 --> 00:54:06,491 need to take ownership over being complicit 1040 00:54:06,515 --> 00:54:08,796 in systemic oppression in this country for over 300 years." 1041 00:54:08,820 --> 00:54:12,394 Then I looked at my husband and went, "And unload the dishwasher." 1042 00:54:14,832 --> 00:54:18,339 It's a baby step, but come on, we didn't watch The Help for nothing. 1043 00:54:20,777 --> 00:54:23,092 And here's the other thing that people ask me, they go, "Oh, Jay, 1044 00:54:23,116 --> 00:54:25,563 you married this white guy, you've been dating this white guy for so long, 1045 00:54:25,587 --> 00:54:27,725 do you feel like your Blackness has been affected?" 1046 00:54:27,858 --> 00:54:30,306 That's when I got to check them, I go, listen, I'm from Mississippi, 1047 00:54:30,330 --> 00:54:32,777 my mother and grandmother saw civil rights happen in real time, 1048 00:54:32,801 --> 00:54:34,575 I was born Black, I'm going to die Black, 1049 00:54:34,587 --> 00:54:36,242 because that's how I feel, most days. 1050 00:54:36,376 --> 00:54:38,667 And then some days, I'm like, "Ooh, baby, 1051 00:54:38,679 --> 00:54:41,151 we should get a birthday cake for the dog." 1052 00:54:46,595 --> 00:54:47,731 Not a joke. 1053 00:54:49,001 --> 00:54:51,305 Not a joke at all. 1054 00:54:51,439 --> 00:54:53,509 Here's the thing, whenever I'm telling these jokes, 1055 00:54:53,643 --> 00:54:55,180 sometimes I realize, "Oh, Jay, 1056 00:54:55,314 --> 00:54:57,885 you joke about the wrong stuff at the wrong time." 1057 00:54:58,019 --> 00:55:00,224 This is the right place to joke about certain things, 1058 00:55:00,357 --> 00:55:02,513 every now and then, I get a gig, and I go, Oh, 1059 00:55:02,525 --> 00:55:04,598 this is the wrong joke for the wrong place. 1060 00:55:04,732 --> 00:55:07,939 One time, y'all, I can't even make this up, I got hired to do a show 1061 00:55:08,072 --> 00:55:10,010 at a very Catholic college. 1062 00:55:10,143 --> 00:55:14,585 I don't know what tape they saw, but so they brought me in, 1063 00:55:14,718 --> 00:55:17,157 and before you do a show like that, they take you backstage, 1064 00:55:17,290 --> 00:55:18,504 and they go, "Hey, a couple things we want 1065 00:55:18,516 --> 00:55:19,771 you to avoid, this is a Catholic college." 1066 00:55:19,795 --> 00:55:22,201 So I go, great, I won't talk about y'all touching the kids. 1067 00:55:22,334 --> 00:55:24,454 I said, I got it, I got it, I said, hey, listen to me, 1068 00:55:24,505 --> 00:55:26,442 I can be just as quiet as y'all were. 1069 00:55:29,715 --> 00:55:32,821 I said, also, if I do bring it up, can you just move me to a different parish 1070 00:55:32,956 --> 00:55:36,729 like you always do? 1071 00:55:39,735 --> 00:55:42,173 But y'all, that was not it. 1072 00:55:42,307 --> 00:55:44,745 They said, "Jay, we are a Catholic college, 1073 00:55:44,879 --> 00:55:46,639 there's a couple things we want you to avoid. 1074 00:55:46,682 --> 00:55:49,221 Primarily, you can't promote birth control during the show, 1075 00:55:49,355 --> 00:55:51,725 it goes against one of the central tenets of Catholic faith, 1076 00:55:51,859 --> 00:55:53,496 don't bring it up." 1077 00:55:53,630 --> 00:55:55,409 I said, great, I won't bring it up, I won't bring it up. 1078 00:55:55,433 --> 00:55:58,239 Then I get on stage, and my comedy brain says, 1079 00:55:58,373 --> 00:56:02,214 "But wouldn't it be funny if you did bring it up?" 1080 00:56:02,347 --> 00:56:04,168 So I'm out there, and I've been halfway 1081 00:56:04,180 --> 00:56:06,389 through one of my sets, I go, "Oh, by the way, 1082 00:56:06,522 --> 00:56:08,802 backstage, y'all, they said I couldn't talk about condoms, 1083 00:56:08,860 --> 00:56:12,133 which is fine, because me and my boyfriend don't use them." 1084 00:56:19,314 --> 00:56:21,152 They have yet to invite me back. 1085 00:56:21,285 --> 00:56:24,391 And I thought Christianity was about forgiveness. 1086 00:56:25,727 --> 00:56:27,531 Sometimes the setting is wrong. 1087 00:56:27,664 --> 00:56:29,535 You know where they hate laughs? 1088 00:56:29,668 --> 00:56:32,207 The Smithsonian Museum for African American History and Culture. 1089 00:56:32,340 --> 00:56:37,784 They do not encourage the hee-hees and the ha-ha's in the Black History Museum. 1090 00:56:37,918 --> 00:56:39,438 So I went to the Black History Museum, 1091 00:56:39,488 --> 00:56:40,968 you should go before Trump closes it. 1092 00:56:41,058 --> 00:56:43,829 I went to the Black History Museum, 1093 00:56:43,964 --> 00:56:49,241 and I went with another Black comedian, just in case it was a trap, don't laugh. 1094 00:56:49,976 --> 00:56:51,212 They got us once. 1095 00:56:52,381 --> 00:56:54,394 So when you go to the Black History Museum... 1096 00:56:54,418 --> 00:56:57,190 Oh, because of slavery, yes, are you just realizing? 1097 00:56:57,893 --> 00:56:59,528 In Louisiana? 1098 00:57:00,597 --> 00:57:02,033 Will wonders ever cease? 1099 00:57:02,167 --> 00:57:04,137 So when you go to the Black History Museum, 1100 00:57:04,271 --> 00:57:07,144 you walk in, and you get on the elevator, 1101 00:57:07,277 --> 00:57:09,681 and the elevator goes down, and you as a museum patron 1102 00:57:09,815 --> 00:57:12,588 walk back up to represent the progress of Black people. 1103 00:57:12,721 --> 00:57:13,891 Here's how the museum goes. 1104 00:57:14,025 --> 00:57:16,128 It goes west coast of Africa, 1105 00:57:16,262 --> 00:57:20,536 and then it goes slavery, slavery, slavery, 1106 00:57:20,670 --> 00:57:25,079 Civil War, Reconstruction, Jim Crow, Civil Rights, 1107 00:57:25,213 --> 00:57:26,916 Flavor Flav, Obama. 1108 00:57:27,050 --> 00:57:29,722 And when I was there, I was like, oh my gosh, 1109 00:57:29,855 --> 00:57:32,628 I can't believe they have Flavor Flav's clock, what? 1110 00:57:32,761 --> 00:57:35,566 I thought the old lady dropped it in the ocean at the end. 1111 00:57:39,575 --> 00:57:42,314 So this is what happens. So I get to the museum, 1112 00:57:42,447 --> 00:57:44,594 I get on the elevator, I'm in the elevator with my friend 1113 00:57:44,618 --> 00:57:45,888 and another Black family, 1114 00:57:46,022 --> 00:57:47,591 and this Black family is so beautiful. 1115 00:57:47,724 --> 00:57:49,571 They have this little precious Black girl with them, 1116 00:57:49,595 --> 00:57:51,542 and she's smiling, she's so excited for the museum, 1117 00:57:51,566 --> 00:57:53,766 and I look at her and I go, "Whoo, that's gonna change." 1118 00:57:55,073 --> 00:57:58,153 So I'm just walking through the museum, little did I know, I would be changed. 1119 00:57:58,246 --> 00:58:00,016 Listen up, New Orleans. 1120 00:58:00,149 --> 00:58:02,621 I was walking through that museum, I got, so overwhelmed 1121 00:58:02,754 --> 00:58:05,928 with the imagery and the brutalization of people who look like me. 1122 00:58:06,062 --> 00:58:10,370 I got so mad, I got so sad, my neck got hot, my ears got hot, 1123 00:58:10,503 --> 00:58:12,909 and I did the only thing I know as a comedian. 1124 00:58:13,043 --> 00:58:15,113 I started to make a few jokes. 1125 00:58:15,247 --> 00:58:17,885 So here's what I did. Please tell me if this is okay. 1126 00:58:18,686 --> 00:58:20,389 I found a white couple, 1127 00:58:21,492 --> 00:58:22,995 and I just started following them. 1128 00:58:24,097 --> 00:58:26,903 And every time they went to an exhibit, I was right behind it. 1129 00:58:27,037 --> 00:58:28,840 As if to say, "You see what you did?" 1130 00:58:29,575 --> 00:58:31,735 They went to another exhibit, I'm right there, resting. 1131 00:58:31,812 --> 00:58:33,383 You see what you did? 1132 00:58:33,516 --> 00:58:35,687 They went to another exhibit, I'm behind them. 1133 00:58:35,821 --> 00:58:38,069 They finally turned around, they were like, we're European. 1134 00:58:38,093 --> 00:58:39,896 I was like, even worse. 1135 00:58:40,998 --> 00:58:42,534 And then they paid for my ticket. 1136 00:58:44,371 --> 00:58:47,611 And I'm always like, oh my god, Jay, why do you act this way? 1137 00:58:47,744 --> 00:58:50,783 And you know whose fault it is? It's not my fault, it's my mama's fault. 1138 00:58:50,918 --> 00:58:52,097 I get all of this from my mom. 1139 00:58:52,121 --> 00:58:53,723 My mom made one joke 1140 00:58:53,856 --> 00:58:56,762 at the most inappropriate time ever, my coming out. 1141 00:58:56,896 --> 00:58:58,833 So okay, okay, so picture, okay. 1142 00:58:58,967 --> 00:59:02,007 So it's 15 years ago, I'm coming out to my mom, I call my mama up. 1143 00:59:02,140 --> 00:59:04,145 I say, "Mom, first of all, happy birthday. 1144 00:59:04,278 --> 00:59:08,887 Secondly, some news, I think I like boys." 1145 00:59:09,020 --> 00:59:12,027 And she said," Jay, baby, do you think they'll like you?" 1146 00:59:12,160 --> 00:59:15,968 Girl, what? Hang on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 1147 00:59:16,101 --> 00:59:19,474 Run it back. We're not about to do this today, okay? 1148 00:59:20,209 --> 00:59:22,013 But that's when I knew she loved me. 1149 00:59:22,147 --> 00:59:23,650 Also, I hit the gym that week. 1150 00:59:23,783 --> 00:59:27,257 So a couple weeks go by, we go to the mall together, 1151 00:59:27,391 --> 00:59:28,911 we're shopping, she's getting perfume. 1152 00:59:28,994 --> 00:59:30,664 The perfume salesman is a gay man. 1153 00:59:30,797 --> 00:59:33,169 He's trying to sell her stuff, but he's also hitting on me. 1154 00:59:33,303 --> 00:59:34,771 My mom clocks this instantly. 1155 00:59:34,906 --> 00:59:37,077 He goes to the back, she turns to me, she goes, 1156 00:59:37,210 --> 00:59:40,025 "Jay, is he hitting on you?" I'm a good Southern boy, I can't lie to my mama. 1157 00:59:40,049 --> 00:59:41,418 I said, "Yes, ma'am." 1158 00:59:41,552 --> 00:59:43,689 She said, "Well, can you get us a discount?" 1159 00:59:45,961 --> 00:59:48,399 And that's good parenting, okay? 1160 00:59:48,934 --> 00:59:51,471 People also ask, Jay, what's it like going around the country, 1161 00:59:51,605 --> 00:59:53,809 doing all these silly ass gay and Black jokes? 1162 00:59:53,944 --> 00:59:55,689 And what they really want to know is, Jay, what's it like 1163 00:59:55,713 --> 00:59:57,550 to be a Black queer man in America? 1164 00:59:57,684 --> 00:59:59,530 And I'll tell you right now, this is what it's like to be 1165 00:59:59,554 --> 01:00:01,626 a Black queer man in America, okay? 1166 01:00:01,759 --> 01:00:04,531 As a Black queer man, what it means is that sometimes 1167 01:00:04,665 --> 01:00:07,070 all white women, when they see you, they grab their purse. 1168 01:00:07,204 --> 01:00:09,541 But then I have to grab mine. 1169 01:00:10,710 --> 01:00:13,716 At that point, I'm like, what are we doing? 1170 01:00:13,850 --> 01:00:15,053 Wait a minute. 1171 01:00:15,187 --> 01:00:16,957 Barbara? Girl. 1172 01:00:17,391 --> 01:00:19,662 I got your email. What's up? Oh my God. 1173 01:00:19,795 --> 01:00:21,398 Thank you so much, New Orleans. 1174 01:00:21,531 --> 01:00:23,871 Y'all have been amazing. 1175 01:00:24,004 --> 01:00:26,408 This has been a dream come true. 1176 01:00:26,675 --> 01:00:27,946 Thank you so much.