1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,881 --> 00:00:10,010 [Jerrod Carmichael] The last time I was on television, 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:13,096 I made a reality show. 5 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,765 Um, I had recently come out, and I was still dealing 6 00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:18,643 with a lot of, like, internalized homophobia, 7 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,937 and I was incessantly cheating on someone 8 00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:23,148 that I love very much. 9 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,608 And I wasn't being the man I knew I could be. 10 00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:30,447 So, I had this idea that if I document everything 11 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:32,615 I'm most ashamed of, 12 00:00:32,656 --> 00:00:34,659 and release that out into the world, 13 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,996 maybe that could help me release some of my own shame. 14 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:41,124 And I was really proud of the show that I made. 15 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:42,959 And after it came out, I checked Twitter 16 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:46,629 to see if maybe it connected with someone else 17 00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:48,631 who might have been going through the same thing 18 00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:52,802 I was going through, and the first thing I read was, 19 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,804 "Why this nigga Jerrod got a white boyfriend?" 20 00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,557 -[laughter] -And that's on me, I fucked up. 21 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,393 I got so caught up in homophobia, 22 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:01,895 I forgot about racism. 23 00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:03,813 Now, I-- I don't know if any of you 24 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:06,733 have ever been bullied online by a group of gay Black men, 25 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:09,402 but let me tell you, it's not fun. 26 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,155 They were so mean to me, y'all. 27 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:14,908 Like, I-- I saw a tweet, somebody posted a picture 28 00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:17,077 of a white man holding a raccoon 29 00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:19,579 and it said, "Look, there go Jerrod and his boyfriend." 30 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,706 It was devastating. Kind of funny. 31 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:24,667 That's what made it worse. And I read all of this shit. 32 00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,044 I couldn't look away. 33 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,880 I read every word. I know what you're thinking. 34 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,465 "Just put your phone down, Jerrod, 35 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,509 you don't need this shit." I couldn't. 36 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,676 You ever, like, hear celebrities say shit like, 37 00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,179 "Oh, I don't really check Twitter. 38 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:38,556 I don't read the comments." They're lying to you. 39 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:41,518 -[laughter] -Everyone reads every word, 40 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:43,019 even the reclusive celebrities. 41 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:45,939 Like, if you wanna get a message to Daniel Day-Lewis... 42 00:01:45,979 --> 00:01:47,607 [laughter] 43 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,442 ...all you gotta do is tweet: 44 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,945 "Hey, Daniel Day-Lewis, fuck you." 45 00:01:51,985 --> 00:01:53,947 -[laughter] -And he's gonna read that shit. 46 00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,616 People were saying, like, such personal shit 47 00:01:57,658 --> 00:01:59,869 about me, and my life, and my sex life. 48 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:02,122 Somebody said that I hate myself, 49 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:05,375 I hate Black men, and that I only hooked up 50 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:07,043 with white men, and that's not true. 51 00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:08,877 I'm here to tell y'all that is not true. 52 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:11,548 I've hooked up with plenty of Black men. 53 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:15,385 It's just that my type of Black man 54 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,387 tends to be pretty masculine. 55 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,139 So, sometimes I find myself 56 00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:21,724 in these sexually competitive situations 57 00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:24,394 where neither one of us wants to submit. 58 00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:27,438 So, we end up, like, holding our dicks in a Mexican standoff. 59 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,732 [laughter] 60 00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:31,776 Just being like, "Alright, alright, you suck my dick." 61 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,070 "No, nigga, you suck my dick." 62 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,655 "Alright, 69 on three." 63 00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:37,906 -[laughter] -This shit went on for weeks. 64 00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:40,451 I read so much about myself for many, many weeks, 65 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,162 and I started spiraling. 66 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:45,748 Like, it was hurting my feelings and I needed to do something. 67 00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:48,501 So, I started seeing a Black therapist 68 00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:50,670 to figure out why I got a white boyfriend. 69 00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:52,922 -[audience laughing] -[Jerrod chuckles] 70 00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:54,966 Session one, I'm not gonna lie, I came in hot. 71 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,759 I kicked in her door, I was like, "Tell me, 72 00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:58,094 am I Clarence Thomas?" 73 00:02:58,136 --> 00:03:00,471 -[laughter] -And she was like, "Okay." 74 00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,682 She was like, "Relax, Jerrod. 75 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:05,810 Take your coat off. Get comfortable." 76 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:08,103 And she asked me what was wrong, 77 00:03:08,103 --> 00:03:10,273 and I told her that the internet was being mean to me. 78 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,858 [laughter] 79 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,860 And she said, "What are they saying?" 80 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:16,362 And I just read someone tweeted 81 00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:19,490 that the reason I have a white boyfriend 82 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:23,620 is because I have an inferiority complex 83 00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:26,122 to white people. And my therapist lit up. 84 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:29,500 She was like, "Well, let's explore that, Jerrod. 85 00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:31,336 "Take me through your childhood. 86 00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,296 "Tell me your relationship with white people. 87 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:35,465 Have you ever felt inferior?" 88 00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:38,134 And I thought about it really for the first time. 89 00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,802 I was like, huh. 90 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,804 Like, just thinking about my childhood, like... 91 00:03:42,930 --> 00:03:46,476 my neighborhood was basically all Black. 92 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:50,146 My elementary school actually seemed like an experiment 93 00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,190 -done by the NAACP. -[laughter] 94 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,566 For real, they played 95 00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:55,985 Whitney Houston's national anthem every morning. 96 00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:57,904 -[laughter] -Isn't that crazy? 97 00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:01,324 My grandma worked in a cafeteria there. 98 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:03,493 All my neighbors were all Black, 99 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:07,413 except, I remember there was one white family 100 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:11,542 who lived in a house at the end of my dead-end street. 101 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:14,712 But all of them-- this is true-- 102 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,882 all of them suffered from some form of mental disability. 103 00:04:17,923 --> 00:04:19,509 [scattered laughter] 104 00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:24,347 So, I told my therapist, I don't think 105 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:27,684 I have an inferiority complex, 106 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,936 'cause for the first 13 years of my life, 107 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,854 I thought all white people were retarded. 108 00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:34,023 -[laughter] -I actually did. I really did. 109 00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:36,109 I did. The first white film I ever saw 110 00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:38,528 was Forrest Gump, and I was just staring at the screen like, 111 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,947 "Man, how are white people functioning in the world, 112 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,533 and they're so, so retarded?" 113 00:04:43,574 --> 00:04:45,576 [laughter] 114 00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:52,041 You know what didn't feel good? 115 00:04:52,082 --> 00:04:54,877 -Having Black people mad at me. -[audience member] Aww. 116 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,379 Yeah, you ever been through that? 117 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,965 It doesn't feel good. I-- no, no one can handle that. 118 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:02,302 Like, and-- and what feels great is when Black people like you. 119 00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,387 Like, I was walking down the street the other day, 120 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,055 and a Black dude just rolled down his window, 121 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:07,932 and he was like, "Hey, I see you." 122 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,769 [laughter] 123 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:13,604 Who, me? You see me? 124 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:16,232 I stood up straight, and you know how it made me feel? 125 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,735 -Seen. I felt seen. -[laughter] 126 00:05:18,776 --> 00:05:20,236 I love Black people's approval. 127 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:23,114 Don't get me wrong, I like white people's approval, too. 128 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:26,242 White approval makes me feel financially secure. 129 00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:28,244 [laughter] 130 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:31,664 I want Black people to like me, but one white lady 131 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:34,584 from HBO liked me, and I've been a multi-millionaire ever since. 132 00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:35,960 So, it's different. 133 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:38,087 [cheering and applause] 134 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:40,131 Thank you. Thank you. I'll let her know. 135 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:43,176 -[audience laughing] -[Jerrod chuckles] 136 00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:45,762 I-- I was really anxious. I'm an anxious person. 137 00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:48,890 I have a really specific brand of anxiety. 138 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:52,643 I'm my most anxious when everything's peaceful. 139 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,438 Like, when things are going good, 140 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,106 that's when I'm really nervous. 141 00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,108 I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. 142 00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:01,277 I think if I lived here in New York 143 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,946 on 9/11, that would have been 144 00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:06,324 an emotionally validating experience for me. 145 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,117 -[audience reacting] -No, I'll tell you why. 146 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:09,535 'Cause I would've walked outside. 147 00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:11,954 It would have been a peaceful day, birds chirping. 148 00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:14,999 Then all of a sudden, a plane crashes into a building 149 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,877 and my first thought would be, "I told you motherfuckers... 150 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:19,796 -[laughter] -...some shit was going down." 151 00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:21,964 That's what's happening in my heart, I'm nervous. 152 00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:25,843 And I bring that anxiety to my relationship. 153 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:28,554 I'm-- I'm the anxious one in my relationship. 154 00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,473 'Cause what's crazy about love 155 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,267 is that when someone tells you they love you... 156 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,396 you just have to take their word for it. 157 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:40,149 That's crazy. That's not crazy to y'all? 158 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:42,151 That's insane. I need more proof than that. 159 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,694 [laughter] 160 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,655 I'll be waking my boyfriend up in the middle of the night. 161 00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,323 Like, "Do you love me?" Just like shaking him, 162 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:49,158 like, trying to catch him off-guard. 163 00:06:49,158 --> 00:06:51,159 [laughter] 164 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,497 I understand weddings. 165 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,999 I-- I didn't-- I didn't like weddings in my youth. 166 00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:59,836 I used to rebel against them. I used to get mad 167 00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:02,004 when my friends invited me to their wedding. 168 00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:04,257 I'd be like, "Why you invite me to this mid-show? 169 00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:06,092 -[laughter] -"The chicken's dry. 170 00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,677 "You playing top 40 hits. 171 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:10,012 "I had to book a flight to watch you make a decision? 172 00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:12,014 "Like, I came all this way to watch you 173 00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:13,850 slow dance with your father? Fuck you." 174 00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:15,726 -That's how I used to feel. -[laughter] 175 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:18,187 That's before falling in love. 176 00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:21,524 Now, I realize that the point of a wedding isn't the party. 177 00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:26,737 The reason you have a wedding is for the witnesses. 178 00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:29,574 -[laughter] -That's why you have a wedding. 179 00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:33,202 A wedding is a time where you get the person 180 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:38,040 who claims that they love you to stand right here beside you. 181 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:42,211 You invite everybody you ever met before in your entire life. 182 00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,380 Your family's there. His family's there. 183 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,716 You-- you invite doormen from buildings 184 00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:49,552 you don't even live in anymore. They're all there. 185 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,929 And you get all your best friends to line up behind you 186 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:53,764 just to stare at this motherfucker. 187 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,767 -[laughter] -The whole point of the ceremony 188 00:07:56,808 --> 00:07:59,770 is for you to turn to them and say, 189 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:01,772 "Hey, what's that shit you were saying about you love me? 190 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,483 [laughter and light applause] 191 00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,568 "No, tell them. Your auntie flew out. 192 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,570 "Tell your auntie how you said you want to die with me. 193 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,489 Tell-- Say it. 'Till death.'" 194 00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,532 [laughter and applause] 195 00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,744 That's why you have a wedding. Alright. 196 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:16,746 [applause] 197 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:20,875 I understand it now because I'm in love 198 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,668 and I-- I want to get married. 199 00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,462 -[audience] Aww. -Uh, yeah, I do, I do. 200 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,839 I love my boyfriend a lot, he's my best friend. 201 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,008 Like, I like every moment with him. 202 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,427 I like laying in his lap while he plays Mario. 203 00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:33,638 -[scattered laughter] -[Jerrod chuckles] 204 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,972 Um, I-- I hope we're together forever. 205 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:39,644 We just had an anniversary on January 6th. 206 00:08:39,684 --> 00:08:41,938 -[laughter] -Yeah. 207 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,441 -He insurrected my heart. -[laughter] 208 00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:48,236 I-- he doesn't like when I say that, but I like that. 209 00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,948 -[laughter continues] -[chuckles] 210 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,536 And it's so new to me, it's so exciting. 211 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:58,621 You know, like, he's my equal. 212 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,957 And that's really important that you be with your equal. 213 00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:03,042 Don't get me wrong, we're different. 214 00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,545 We have a lot of differences. We grew up differently. 215 00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:07,421 We listen to different types of music. 216 00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:11,551 I grew up listening to a lot of rap, a lot of Jay-Z. 217 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:15,972 So, all of my favorite songs are usually about a drug dealer... 218 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:21,310 with a gun who did what he had to do to survive. 219 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:24,689 And my boyfriend grew up listening to a lot of Bjork. 220 00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:27,483 [laughter] 221 00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,819 And, like, Joanna Newsom. 222 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:31,654 So, all of his favorite songs 223 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:33,656 are about a sparrow getting an abortion. 224 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:36,033 -[laughter] -So, we're very different. 225 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,995 But-- but I think we are equals, and that's important. 226 00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:41,330 It's important that you be with your equal. 227 00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:43,708 You-- you have to, 'cause if you feel like the lucky one, 228 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,209 that means you're getting cheated on. 229 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,503 And if you know they're the lucky one, 230 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:49,422 you're just constantly looking for a way out. 231 00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:51,048 So, you have to be equals. 232 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,509 My boyfriend and I are equals. 233 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:56,512 I'm rich and he's white, so we're equals. 234 00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:59,015 -[laughter and cheering] -That's even. 235 00:09:59,056 --> 00:10:01,058 -Even Stevens. -[light applause] 236 00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:07,857 But I can't help but compare myself to him all the time. 237 00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:11,027 Anything my boyfriend does to better himself, 238 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:14,530 I take as a personal indictment against me. 239 00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:16,866 Like if he gets out of bed before me in the morning, 240 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,534 I feel like a lazy piece of shit. 241 00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:21,078 I-- this is the best example I can think of. 242 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,539 We bought a waffle maker from Williams-Sonoma... 243 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,459 'cause I love waffles. 244 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,377 I love waffle day. 245 00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:30,421 I get excited the night before. I ask my boyfriend, 246 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,964 like, "You're gonna make waffles tomorrow?" 247 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,924 He's like, "Yeah." I, like-- I get my eight hours, 248 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,427 and I wake up so happy, it's like Christmas. 249 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,263 We go downstairs and my boyfriend cooks the waffles, 250 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,140 and then we plate our waffles differently. 251 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,434 What I like to do, I take my waffles 252 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,062 and I rip 'em up into little pieces. 253 00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:48,314 And I make a little, little waffle mountain, 254 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,982 just like a crumbled waffle mountain. 255 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:53,486 Then, I melt half a pot of Kerrygold butter, 256 00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:55,821 -and I drench the waffles... -[audience member] Yes! 257 00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:59,408 ...in butter, and then I find the cheapest syrup I can find. 258 00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:01,911 -[laughter] -None of that, like, 259 00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:04,580 organic, grade-A maple bullshit. 260 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,248 I mean, like Log Cabin. 261 00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,459 -[laughter] -I like that shit. 262 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,796 And then, I just drench the waffles in Log Cabin. 263 00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,632 Then, I put the plate in the microwave for 14 seconds. 264 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,634 -[laughter] -You gotta let it get in there, 265 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,928 like, bubble up a little bit, and I go to the table. 266 00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,805 That's how I like my waffles. 267 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:24,475 My boyfriend likes his waffles 268 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:28,437 with a dollop of creme fraiche and some berries. 269 00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,981 -Now... -[laughter] 270 00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:34,026 That shouldn't matter. Who cares? 271 00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,820 We eat waffles differently. 272 00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:38,280 But comparison sets in. 273 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,991 I'm sitting at the table, looking at my waffles 274 00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,618 just shining in the light. 275 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,370 [light laughter] 276 00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:47,206 I look across the table at my boyfriend and his waffles. 277 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:50,126 Look back at mine. 278 00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:53,546 And I look at his, and I look at mine. 279 00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:55,131 And then I snap and go... 280 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,175 "So, I'm just a nigga to you, aren't I? 281 00:11:58,217 --> 00:12:00,219 [laughter and applause] 282 00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:02,972 "That's all you see when you look at me, 283 00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:04,557 "just a high-cholesterol nigga, 284 00:12:04,598 --> 00:12:06,642 like my father and his father before him." 285 00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,352 He didn't ask for that. It's breakfast. 286 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,854 [laughter] 287 00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,731 But I'm always comparing. 288 00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,692 I compare everything that we do all the time. 289 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,360 I think about how we operate. 290 00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:18,654 How we communicate with each other is important. 291 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:22,533 And I'm learning what to do with anger in my relationship, 292 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,161 um, 'cause I'm real sensitive 293 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:27,329 and I get my feelings hurt all the time. 294 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,916 [chuckles] All the time. 295 00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,335 Sometimes my boyfriend says stuff in a way 296 00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,921 that lets me know he's never been punched in the face before. 297 00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:38,591 [laughter] 298 00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:41,385 You know what I mean? Like, it's a tone that he uses. 299 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,554 Like, he's passive-aggressive sometimes and like, 300 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,431 passive-aggression is white violence, I've learned. 301 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:47,683 [laughter] 302 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,310 And I can't fight him. 303 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,729 That's not how gay relationships work. 304 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,022 That's how I thought it would work. 305 00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:54,899 I thought if I got mad at him, 306 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,859 then we'd just square up like men. 307 00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:59,737 -[laughter] -No cops, no cops. 308 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,698 First person to drop apologizes. That's not how it works. 309 00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:06,285 I still have to express my feelings. 310 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:11,207 And I have to tell him when he's hurt my feelings. 311 00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:14,877 And that's really difficult for me to do 312 00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:19,715 because that is really gay. 313 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,550 -[laughter] -Don't get me wrong. 314 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,719 I'll suck his dick till the cows come home. 315 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:26,555 I'm not gonna tell him he's hurt my feelings. 316 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,224 I'm a man, goddammit! 317 00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:30,267 [cheering and applause] 318 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,896 And I'd like to. I know it's-- 319 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,607 Look, I-- I would like to be able to tell Michael 320 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,067 when my feelings are hurt, 321 00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,110 because that's the right thing to do. 322 00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:44,240 But unfortunately, I'm really good 323 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,618 at withholding all of my feelings from the person I love. 324 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,745 And when you're really good at something, 325 00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:52,331 it's hard not to use that as a crutch. 326 00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,334 And you can be good at withholding. 327 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,586 Withholding is a game that only one of you 328 00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:59,255 knows that you're playing. 329 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,257 And the object of the game 330 00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:06,262 is to get them to ask you what's wrong 331 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:09,390 without you ever telling them that something's wrong. 332 00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:12,268 And here's what you gotta do. You-- first of all, 333 00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:15,312 you can't look mad 'cause then you lost. 334 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:18,482 You can't look mad, because then they know you care. 335 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:21,610 And everybody knows the person with power in the relationship 336 00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:24,196 is the one who cares the least, so don't look mad. 337 00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,657 What you gotta do is look preoccupied. 338 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:27,950 [laughter] 339 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,285 But really, you gotta make it seem 340 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,162 like there's some deep mathematical equation 341 00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:33,664 that you're trying to figure out 342 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,290 that's too deep for them to understand. 343 00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:36,959 Like, you're just in your head, just like-- 344 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,544 just some-- just-- don't say anything out loud, 345 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,963 but just think like, "Wait, if two and three is five..." 346 00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:43,132 [light laughter] 347 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:46,802 And at first, at first, they're not gonna notice. 348 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,470 They're not gonna ask you what's wrong. 349 00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:49,972 They're gonna ask you some basic shit, 350 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:51,515 like, "What do you want for dinner?" 351 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,809 And that's gonna really piss you the fuck off. 352 00:14:53,809 --> 00:14:56,145 [laughter and scattered applause] 353 00:14:56,186 --> 00:14:58,063 But that means you gotta take it up a notch. 354 00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:00,691 You start withholding all of your affection. 355 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,819 All of the affection. Give them no affection. 356 00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:05,696 But then, give all of that affection 357 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,574 to anybody else in their face. 358 00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:11,660 And if nobody comes over, give that shit to the dog. 359 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:13,996 I be rolling around on the floor with the dogs, just be like, 360 00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:15,873 "Who's the best boy in the house? 361 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,541 Who's my favorite boy?" 362 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,169 [laughter] 363 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,754 Don't laugh. 364 00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:24,840 Don't laugh until they leave the room. 365 00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:27,009 Then you can laugh real loud at some shit. 366 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,011 [laughter] 367 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,846 Hopefully, they'll come running back in and say, 368 00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:33,766 "What's so funny?" You just be like, "Nothing." 369 00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,809 [laughter] 370 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,730 And eventually, eventually-- 371 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,732 sometimes it takes a couple days-- 372 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,194 they'll finally ask you, "What's wrong?" 373 00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,947 And I'll be honest with y'all. 374 00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:49,573 Like, sometimes it takes my boyfriend 375 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,242 so long to ask me what's wrong, and I'm so pissed off, 376 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:56,080 that I respond to him by going, "What? 377 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:57,539 [laughter] 378 00:15:57,581 --> 00:16:00,793 "Babe, nothing's wrong. 379 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:03,545 Is everything okay with you?" 380 00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:07,257 Because sometimes my house is illuminated by gaslight. 381 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:10,344 [laughter and scattered applause] 382 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:27,903 I wanna be better. I actually need to be better. 383 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:31,281 I feel that I wanna mature in my relationship. 384 00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:33,325 I wanna be able to be expressive, 385 00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:36,412 and open, and honest all the time. 386 00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:38,914 I know that's really important in a relationship. 387 00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,125 And it's really important in our relationship, 388 00:16:41,165 --> 00:16:44,461 because we're in an open relationship. 389 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:47,673 Which was his idea. 390 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,925 -My idea was to cheat... -[laughter] 391 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,136 ...and to live a secret life, 392 00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:54,596 and let the lie weigh on my soul, 393 00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,932 and come home and sit quietly in the driveway 394 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,101 for a real long time, just like my dad. 395 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,311 'Cause I didn't want to open it. 396 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:03,939 I-- I have a fear of other people's judgment, and I could-- 397 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,816 I could feel what some of you are thinking right now, 398 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,484 like, "What is an open relationship, and why do it?" 399 00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:12,196 And if you really love someone, 400 00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:15,617 can't you just want to be with that one person? 401 00:17:16,617 --> 00:17:17,953 And the answer's no. 402 00:17:17,994 --> 00:17:21,123 I-- I-- I wanna fuck everybody all the time. 403 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:22,540 [laughter] 404 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:24,877 Really, like, I play a little game in my head 405 00:17:24,917 --> 00:17:26,295 anytime I'm in a new room, 406 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,047 called If These Doors Get Locked. 407 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,008 [laughter] 408 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,468 Who am I fucking first? 409 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:35,637 And I-- and I have a list, and I got reserves. 410 00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:37,056 I'm a very sexual person, 411 00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:38,974 and I'm learning to accept that about myself. 412 00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:41,643 And I can't spend my life suppressing my sexuality. 413 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:45,814 And I can't pretend I only wanna fuck one person, 414 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:49,401 because that's a lie reserved for straight people. 415 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,987 That's what y'all do. I see it all the time. 416 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,156 I-- Like, I was at dinner with my friend 417 00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:55,699 and his wife the other night, 418 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,326 and we were talking about actresses, 419 00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:58,994 and somebody brought up Sydney Sweeney 420 00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:00,204 who's just like a pretty actress, 421 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:02,081 and somebody asked my straight friend 422 00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:05,167 what he thought of Sydney, and he lied... 423 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,711 [laughter] 424 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,255 ...by using a word that straight men 425 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:12,424 only use when their girl's around. 426 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:14,676 He said, [in high-pitched voice] "Oh, oh, Sydney? 427 00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,386 She's attractive." 428 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:18,847 -[laughter] -That's how he said it too. 429 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:20,224 His voice went up an octave. He's like, 430 00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:21,725 [high-pitched] "She's attractive. 431 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:24,520 She's got two eyes and a nose and a mouth." 432 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,605 And I'm looking at him like, "You think she's attractive, 433 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,774 "or do you want to eat her asshole after the gym? 434 00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:31,860 -Which one is it?" -[laughter and applause] 435 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,697 I get it, it's hard being that transparent, 436 00:18:35,739 --> 00:18:39,076 'cause open relationships require a lot of transparency, 437 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,036 which can be a good thing. 438 00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:44,456 It can be a beautiful thing to be open and honest with someone, 439 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,292 but it can also be very difficult 440 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:50,420 to tell the person that you care about 441 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:53,048 that you want to hook up with somebody else. 442 00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:54,633 That can be hard. 443 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:58,637 'Cause what that means is, on a quiet Tuesday at home... 444 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:02,266 when my boyfriend is curled up with a good book... 445 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,310 and we got a Le Labo candle burning... 446 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,730 and an NPR Tiny Desk is playing. 447 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:15,028 I have to disrupt that peace and look at him and say, "Hey. 448 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,449 "Instead of spending the evening here with you... 449 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:25,497 "I think I wanna go throat fuck this 23-year-old. 450 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:28,250 -[laughter] -I'll be back before dinner." 451 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:29,793 -That's hard. -[audience member] Yeah. 452 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,087 That's hard to say to y'all. Look at how you reacted. 453 00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:34,089 [laughter] 454 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,135 What are the implications? What does that mean? 455 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,761 'Cause people think that you open a relationship 456 00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,430 'cause you're bored with sex with your partner. 457 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:44,016 That's not true. That's not true for me. 458 00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:47,519 It's actually very new for me having, like, sex in love. 459 00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,479 Like, that's-- that's very new. 460 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,357 My boyfriend's the first person I ever fucked that I respect. 461 00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,109 -Uh... I'm sorr-- -[laughter] 462 00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,861 I didn't know you were supposed to do that, my bad. 463 00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:59,114 -[laughter] -Like, I respect him a lot, 464 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,949 and it's like, really passionate sex. 465 00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:02,868 You know, his arms are the safest place 466 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,120 in the world for me, so I-- like, I really love 467 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,122 the sex that we have, it's real connected. 468 00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:08,665 We look into each other's eyes, 469 00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,459 and we switch eyes, you know what I mean? 470 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,211 Like, you ever go, like, left, right, left, right, 471 00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:14,004 when you fucking, like-- like, switch eyes, 472 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,380 and it's so meaningful? 473 00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,216 My boyfriend's my Clair Huxtable. 474 00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,051 -[audience groans] -You know, like... 475 00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,637 Hey, the show ain't rape nobody. What I'm saying-- 476 00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:24,973 what I'm saying is, I grew up watching The Cosby Show. 477 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,517 -[audience member] Yes! -And Cliff and Clair Huxtable 478 00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,228 were an important couple to me. 479 00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:32,189 Like, they were two people who respected each other a lot. 480 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,149 They were professionals, they loved each other. 481 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,984 They raised the family together. 482 00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:37,361 And that's how I look at my boyfriend, 483 00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:38,987 as somebody I want to raise a family with. 484 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,323 And I love the meaningful sex we have. 485 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:42,366 But... 486 00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:47,788 sometimes I also want... 487 00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:51,375 a slut that I can abuse. 488 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,919 [laughter] 489 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:56,338 Just me? Fine, I'll be alone in this. 490 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,674 You know, just a stranger from the internet 491 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,634 that comes over to be dominated. 492 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:05,889 Somebody I don't respect at all. They don't respect me either. 493 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,267 Somebody that comes over, they ask for a bottle of water, 494 00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:10,018 and I give 'em the cheap plastic shit. 495 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,104 I reserve the glass bottles for me and my boo, 496 00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:15,399 but they get, like, the crinkly Poland Springs bullshit. 497 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,110 Somebody I don't even use my real voice around. 498 00:21:18,151 --> 00:21:19,611 I speak a couple octaves lower. 499 00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:21,113 I'm like, [deep voice] "Yeah, what's up?" 500 00:21:21,154 --> 00:21:23,699 You know, I'm a little more dom. They want to be dominated. 501 00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:26,535 They want me to choke 'em. I love choking. 502 00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,456 You know what I mean? You ever choke somebody 503 00:21:31,498 --> 00:21:33,917 -till it almost goes too far? -[light laughter] 504 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,377 You know what I'm talking about? 505 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,087 Like, they start shaking and coughing a little bit. 506 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,380 I love that shit. 507 00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:40,215 I love spitting in people's mouths. 508 00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:43,051 [groans and laughter] 509 00:21:43,093 --> 00:21:45,429 You ever do that? You know what I'm talking about? 510 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,932 And not a light mist either, I mean like a mother bird 511 00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,893 feeding her young like a deep-- it's almost racist-- 512 00:21:51,935 --> 00:21:54,062 like a deep, like, eye-on-the-prize spit 513 00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:55,731 from down South, I just spit. 514 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:57,232 And I love when it misses their mouth 515 00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,568 and it gets in they eye. I'm really tall. 516 00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:01,236 So, if I'm fucking somebody from behind, 517 00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:03,113 I like to try and take my left foot 518 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:05,741 and reach around and just step on they face, 519 00:22:05,741 --> 00:22:08,744 just a dirty Nike sock on they face, 520 00:22:08,785 --> 00:22:10,662 and I'm talking to 'em like, "Yeah, you like that shit, 521 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:12,414 "don't you? Yeah, take that shit. 522 00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:14,666 Open up for daddy. Open up for daddy." 523 00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:16,084 [scattered cheers] 524 00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:18,003 Anyway, I don't wanna do that to Clair Huxtable. 525 00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:19,796 You know, she's got on silk pajamas. 526 00:22:19,838 --> 00:22:21,840 -She's a lawyer. -[laughter] 527 00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:24,926 She got work in the morning. 528 00:22:24,926 --> 00:22:26,928 [laughter continues] 529 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,520 The relationship's open, so that means my boyfriend 530 00:22:35,562 --> 00:22:37,439 gets to fuck other people, too. 531 00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,358 And I'll be honest, I don't like that shit. 532 00:22:39,399 --> 00:22:40,942 [laughter] 533 00:22:40,942 --> 00:22:42,778 Don't like it at all. Think it's cool when I do it, 534 00:22:42,819 --> 00:22:45,030 don't like when he does it. 535 00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:46,448 'Cause we still have to tell each other 536 00:22:46,448 --> 00:22:48,033 about what we've done, and I don't want to think 537 00:22:48,075 --> 00:22:50,786 about my boo with a dirty Nike sock to the face. 538 00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:52,788 [light laughter] 539 00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:54,790 And my boyfriend's real descriptive too. 540 00:22:56,249 --> 00:22:58,960 Like, sometimes he uses words that I can't get out of my head. 541 00:22:59,002 --> 00:23:00,796 Like the last guy he hooked up with, 542 00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:04,549 he described that man's dick as having a lot of heft to it. 543 00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:06,593 [laughter] 544 00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,222 I was like, "What?" 545 00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:11,640 That's not a word you hear every day. 546 00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:13,308 I was like, "It had a lot of heft?" 547 00:23:13,308 --> 00:23:15,394 [laughter] 548 00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:17,396 I haven't looked at trash bags the same since. 549 00:23:17,437 --> 00:23:19,606 I was like, "He had a hefty dick?" 550 00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:24,528 I don't like him having sex without me. 551 00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:28,532 It's actually making me into the idea of being a cuck. 552 00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:29,908 [audience member laughs] 553 00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:32,953 [laughter] 554 00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:35,997 Look, look, look-look-look, look, look. You-- 555 00:23:36,039 --> 00:23:37,374 You know what a cuck is? A cuck is where 556 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,209 you got to watch somebody you love 557 00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:41,837 get fucked by somebody else. Like, I kind of like that now. 558 00:23:41,878 --> 00:23:44,673 You know why? 'Cause, like, if my boyfriend 559 00:23:44,673 --> 00:23:47,175 is gonna have a fun sexual experience 560 00:23:47,217 --> 00:23:48,718 with someone who isn't me... 561 00:23:49,886 --> 00:23:52,055 I don't want to be written out of the memory. 562 00:23:52,097 --> 00:23:54,307 -[laughter] -That's all. 563 00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:57,352 Like, if he's thinking about it later, 564 00:23:57,394 --> 00:23:59,062 I want to be able to be like, "No, no, no. 565 00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:01,064 "Remember I was jerking off in the corner. 566 00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,358 -[laughter] -Don't forget about me." 567 00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:09,030 [scattered laughter and applause] 568 00:24:10,907 --> 00:24:14,202 I'll tell you what's beautiful about relationships. 569 00:24:14,202 --> 00:24:17,289 A really, really beautiful thing that I didn't know I would need, 570 00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:18,832 this is really important to me. 571 00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:25,130 I love having someone who can talk to my mom for me. 572 00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:27,215 [laughter] 573 00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:29,551 That's important. That's a cheat code. 574 00:24:29,551 --> 00:24:33,388 'Cause there comes a time in all of our lives 575 00:24:33,430 --> 00:24:37,392 when you realize your mom is insane. 576 00:24:37,392 --> 00:24:39,728 [laughter] 577 00:24:39,769 --> 00:24:42,272 And she is. Your mom's crazy. 578 00:24:42,314 --> 00:24:44,357 The-- the-- the arc of your mom's life... 579 00:24:45,984 --> 00:24:49,279 she goes from responsible woman who made you sandwiches 580 00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:52,073 to really talkative lady with no boundaries. 581 00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:54,075 The type you pray doesn't sit beside you on a flight. 582 00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:55,577 Like, that's what your mom become. 583 00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:57,621 Your mom is crazy. 584 00:24:57,662 --> 00:24:59,164 I know some of you are looking at me right now 585 00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:00,457 like, "He's not talking about me. 586 00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:02,584 My mom's not crazy. My mom's cool." 587 00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:04,836 No, what that means is your mom's an alcoholic. 588 00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:06,421 -That's not cool. -[laughter] 589 00:25:06,421 --> 00:25:08,256 That's a crazy, irresponsible lady. 590 00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:11,343 Your mom is crazy, that's why you got a family group chat. 591 00:25:11,384 --> 00:25:14,137 The family group chat is there so you and your siblings 592 00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:17,766 can take turns responding to the shit this crazy lady sends. 593 00:25:17,807 --> 00:25:21,019 Just pictures of strange kids you've never seen before, 594 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:22,604 or other people's Christmas lights. 595 00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:24,272 Your mom is fucking crazy. 596 00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,274 [laughter] 597 00:25:26,316 --> 00:25:28,610 Your mom's either crazy, or she's dead 598 00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,154 and she used to be crazy, those are the only options. 599 00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:33,365 All moms go crazy. And whose fault is it? 600 00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:35,200 I don't know, probably your dad's. 601 00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:38,495 'Cause your dad got quiet. 602 00:25:40,163 --> 00:25:44,626 Your father has said fewer and fewer words 603 00:25:44,668 --> 00:25:46,378 every year he's been alive. 604 00:25:46,419 --> 00:25:49,130 My dad now sits quietly in the corner 605 00:25:49,172 --> 00:25:51,550 and only occasionally says some random shit like, 606 00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:53,218 "Hm, don't feel like a Sunday." 607 00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:56,137 And I'm like, "Excuse me, sir, what the fuck are you saying?" 608 00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:59,307 -[laughter] -It is Sunday. 609 00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:02,561 Your dad got quiet and your mom went crazy. 610 00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:05,647 All moms go crazy 'cause all moms get radicalized. 611 00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:08,525 They don't know what to do with all that mom energy. 612 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,402 They get radicalized by something. 613 00:26:10,443 --> 00:26:13,154 And if you're lucky, your mom's into gardening all of a sudden. 614 00:26:13,196 --> 00:26:15,740 Congratulations, you got one of the good ones. 615 00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:18,493 But your mom's probably in QAnon now. 616 00:26:18,493 --> 00:26:21,830 Or if you're like me, your mom's really religious crazy. 617 00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:23,331 -[scattered laughter] -[audience member] Yeah. 618 00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,208 Like, my mom loves Jesus now. 619 00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:27,669 Like, we grew up going to church, but it wasn't like this. 620 00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:30,171 Something changed with that lady. 621 00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:33,925 Like, my mom loves Jesus now. She loves him. 622 00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:35,760 She be wearing all of his merch. 623 00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:37,679 -[laughter] -She-- she be quoting 624 00:26:37,721 --> 00:26:39,681 this nigga's lyrics all the time. 625 00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:41,057 Jesus is her favorite rapper. 626 00:26:41,099 --> 00:26:43,435 She can't wait for Jesus to return. 627 00:26:43,476 --> 00:26:45,020 That's her shit. 628 00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:46,896 She can't wait for Jesus to come back. 629 00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:50,400 And I tell my mom all the time, "Look, I know celebrities. 630 00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:53,862 None of them hang out with they biggest fan." 631 00:26:53,903 --> 00:26:56,281 -[laughter] -No, I gotta let her know. 632 00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:57,949 I tell her, "When Jesus come back, 633 00:26:57,991 --> 00:26:59,868 he ain't gon' fuck with you." 634 00:26:59,909 --> 00:27:01,244 [laughter] 635 00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:03,288 Jesus is gonna be scared of my mom. 636 00:27:03,330 --> 00:27:06,374 Jesus is gonna treat my mom like the lady who killed Selena. 637 00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:08,960 He's gonna stay a thousand yards away. 638 00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:11,004 [laughter] 639 00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:25,226 [exhales sharply] 640 00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:27,437 Sometimes... 641 00:27:28,563 --> 00:27:31,399 I feel like I'm in a battle with God... 642 00:27:32,692 --> 00:27:34,319 for my mom's soul. 643 00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:36,363 [laughter] 644 00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:39,449 And I can't tell who's winning. 645 00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:42,535 Because I keep paying for shit... 646 00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:45,330 and she keeps thanking Jesus. 647 00:27:45,372 --> 00:27:47,374 [laughter] 648 00:27:50,377 --> 00:27:53,254 And it's pissing me off. It really is. 649 00:27:53,296 --> 00:27:57,425 I'm in a really specific NBA player-type situation 650 00:27:57,467 --> 00:28:00,095 where I'm the breadwinner of my family. 651 00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:01,721 Like, they're all on my Instacart. 652 00:28:03,139 --> 00:28:05,266 I pay for everybody's groceries. 653 00:28:05,308 --> 00:28:07,268 And I'll be honest with you all, it's turning me 654 00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:09,813 into a Reagan-era Republican a little bit. 655 00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:11,356 -[laughter] -A little bit. 656 00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:13,108 Like, I see how much money they spend on food. 657 00:28:13,149 --> 00:28:15,276 I'm like, can't I just send these niggas a block of cheese 658 00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:17,529 -and a bag of rice... -[raucous laughter] 659 00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:19,781 ...like it's the '80s? Like, they gotta eat meat? 660 00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:26,496 -[laughter continues] -No, you don't understand. 661 00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:28,456 I got a TV show on the air, 662 00:28:28,456 --> 00:28:30,667 and all these niggas magically retired. 663 00:28:32,252 --> 00:28:35,547 And I don't get the respect I deserve, y'all. 664 00:28:35,588 --> 00:28:37,924 I-- I don't. Like, I don't-- Really, I-- like... 665 00:28:38,883 --> 00:28:42,137 I think my family should have a photo of me by the door. 666 00:28:42,137 --> 00:28:45,140 [laughter] 667 00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:47,976 Like, I think they should pray in the direction of my apartment 668 00:28:48,017 --> 00:28:50,270 five times a day. I-- I really believe that. 669 00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:53,064 I think they should start calling me 670 00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:54,899 the Honorable Jerrod Carmichael, 671 00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:56,651 like I'm Elijah Muhammad. 672 00:28:56,651 --> 00:28:59,237 I want praise, and I don't get praise, 673 00:28:59,279 --> 00:29:00,822 and that makes it hard for me. 674 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:02,824 Like, sometimes it's hard to be around them. 675 00:29:04,325 --> 00:29:07,495 You know, it's hard for me to, like, be around my family 676 00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:12,000 because, like, um, I can't really be myself around them, 677 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,002 because who I am offends them. 678 00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:18,339 And they refuse to go to therapy, 679 00:29:18,381 --> 00:29:21,009 so they don't really know who the fuck they are. 680 00:29:22,260 --> 00:29:25,513 Really, the problem is, I'm gay and these niggas don't read. 681 00:29:25,555 --> 00:29:27,557 [laughter] 682 00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:33,188 And sometimes I'm around them for periods of time. 683 00:29:33,188 --> 00:29:37,442 Uh, I was just in North Carolina for a week. 684 00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:43,031 I go there for-- like, a week is as long as my soul can take, 685 00:29:43,031 --> 00:29:45,200 and we end up playing Uno. 686 00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:48,036 You know, shit you do with people 687 00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:49,454 that you don't really know like that. 688 00:29:50,538 --> 00:29:52,373 If one of my real friends asked me to play Uno, 689 00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,958 I'd tell 'em to get the fuck out of my house. 690 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:56,211 But I'm doing that shit with my mom. 691 00:29:56,211 --> 00:29:58,880 Just trying to find ways to fill the time. 692 00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:00,715 And I got in on a Saturday night, 693 00:30:00,715 --> 00:30:03,134 and my mom asked me if I'd go to church 694 00:30:03,176 --> 00:30:06,095 with her Sunday morning, and I agreed. 695 00:30:06,137 --> 00:30:07,305 I said, yeah. 696 00:30:08,431 --> 00:30:09,808 And that was a mistake. Y'all know that. 697 00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:11,559 You can feel it, you know that. That's a mistake. 698 00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:13,394 Like, there are certain things I shouldn't do, 699 00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:15,939 and going to church is one of those things. 700 00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:18,107 Like, I-- like, me and church is hard. 701 00:30:19,442 --> 00:30:21,903 Have you ever been the smartest person in a room? 702 00:30:21,903 --> 00:30:23,905 [laughter] 703 00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:27,283 That's me in church. 704 00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:28,993 Like, have you ever looked around 705 00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:31,579 and just thought these really dark, condescending thoughts? 706 00:30:31,579 --> 00:30:33,331 I'm looking at all these church ladies 707 00:30:33,373 --> 00:30:35,166 and their bright colors and their big hats, 708 00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:40,255 and I'm like, "Aw, you poor, sweet, stupid motherfucker." 709 00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:43,091 [laughter] 710 00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:44,926 'Cause once you know church is a pyramid scheme, 711 00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:46,761 it's hard to un-know that. 712 00:30:46,761 --> 00:30:49,597 I know that. My mom doesn't know that. 713 00:30:49,597 --> 00:30:51,307 So, I'm sitting in the pew beside her, 714 00:30:51,349 --> 00:30:54,352 and it was time for offering, which is their favorite time. 715 00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:57,939 And, like, they have to put their money in little envelopes. 716 00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:00,692 That's the thing in church, like, they have to hide 717 00:31:00,733 --> 00:31:01,776 their money from God. 718 00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:03,486 It's a little masquerade for Jesus. 719 00:31:03,528 --> 00:31:07,031 And-- and the minister got up and he said something that's-- 720 00:31:07,073 --> 00:31:09,117 I thought-- I thought this was crazy. 721 00:31:09,158 --> 00:31:12,036 The minister got up in the pulpit and he said... 722 00:31:12,078 --> 00:31:13,955 [clearing throat] 723 00:31:13,955 --> 00:31:16,958 "Alright, get out your envelopes. 724 00:31:16,958 --> 00:31:18,835 'Cause God told me..." 725 00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:20,879 -Uh oh. -[laughter] 726 00:31:22,505 --> 00:31:24,966 It's already sounding real unverifiable, bro. 727 00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:26,426 Like, God told you? 728 00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:30,430 That's what he said. He said, "God told me... 729 00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:33,808 the seed you sow today..." 730 00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:37,478 That's what he said, "The seed you sow. 731 00:31:37,478 --> 00:31:40,648 "God told me he's gonna multiply that 732 00:31:40,648 --> 00:31:44,903 at least ten times by Friday." 733 00:31:44,944 --> 00:31:47,530 He said that, "by Friday," and I'm sitting there 734 00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:49,490 trying to stifle a laugh, I'm like, really? 735 00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:52,243 Like-- like God's really just whispering in the ear 736 00:31:52,285 --> 00:31:54,037 of some 80-year-old nigga in North Carolina, 737 00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:56,247 like-- like God's just-- like God owns FanDuel. 738 00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:57,874 Like, "No, tell 'em I'ma flip it. 739 00:31:57,916 --> 00:31:59,834 "Tell 'em don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. 740 00:31:59,876 --> 00:32:01,502 "Whatever they give, I got 'em by Friday. 741 00:32:01,544 --> 00:32:04,047 Don't worry about it." And I think this is crazy. 742 00:32:04,088 --> 00:32:05,840 And then I look to my left. 743 00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:09,385 I watch my mom reach for her purse. 744 00:32:10,386 --> 00:32:12,889 She grabs 20 dollars... 745 00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:14,182 [gritting teeth] ...of my money. 746 00:32:14,223 --> 00:32:17,393 -[laughter] -I watch her put that money 747 00:32:17,435 --> 00:32:19,187 in an envelope, that envelope in a tray, 748 00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:20,688 the tray gets whisked away forever. 749 00:32:20,730 --> 00:32:22,690 And I'm sitting there like-- you ever look at your parents, 750 00:32:22,732 --> 00:32:25,026 just like, "Really?" 751 00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:26,903 Like re-- like a little bit, like-- 752 00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:31,449 like, "Your sperm, your egg. Like, me? How?" 753 00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:34,619 And I still gotta spend the rest of the week with these people. 754 00:32:34,661 --> 00:32:37,413 And the reason I go to North Carolina 755 00:32:37,455 --> 00:32:39,791 isn't really for my parents, it's because my brother 756 00:32:39,832 --> 00:32:42,877 has five kids that I love very, very much 757 00:32:42,877 --> 00:32:45,088 in a really specific order, if I'm being honest. 758 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,131 -[laughter] -Like, it's not all equal. 759 00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:48,925 I do have a clear favorite. 760 00:32:50,635 --> 00:32:51,886 [chuckles] I'll tell you the ranks. 761 00:32:51,886 --> 00:32:53,137 Like, the runners-up... 762 00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:55,807 The runners-up are his oldest two 763 00:32:55,848 --> 00:32:57,392 who I think are really, really cool. 764 00:32:57,392 --> 00:32:59,602 And I want them to think that I'm cool, 765 00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:01,145 but I don't think they think I'm cool. 766 00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:05,650 And sometimes they post pictures of celebrities 767 00:33:05,692 --> 00:33:09,445 at events that I was also at, and it hurts my feelings. 768 00:33:09,487 --> 00:33:11,406 I'm like, "If you don't post your gay-ass uncle..." 769 00:33:11,447 --> 00:33:12,907 So, they're not my favorite. 770 00:33:12,907 --> 00:33:15,118 My favorite is my niece, Lourdon. 771 00:33:15,159 --> 00:33:17,245 I love Lourdon very, very much. 772 00:33:17,245 --> 00:33:19,414 She's eight years old, she's really smart, 773 00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:22,083 she's really funny, she's really charismatic. 774 00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:25,420 I love spending time with her. And I took her to a playground. 775 00:33:25,461 --> 00:33:27,255 We're running around at the park, 776 00:33:27,296 --> 00:33:29,674 getting on the swings and the merry-go-round, 777 00:33:29,716 --> 00:33:32,468 and Lourdon wanted me to go down a slide with her, 778 00:33:32,510 --> 00:33:35,346 and she took my hand and led me to the top of the slide, 779 00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:38,349 and we sat down, and she sat down beside me. 780 00:33:38,391 --> 00:33:40,518 Before we went down, Lourdon turned to me, 781 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:44,939 and she touched my head and she said, "Uncle Rod... 782 00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:49,402 I like your hair. It's soft." 783 00:33:50,653 --> 00:33:54,449 And I said, "I will take care of you financially 784 00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:55,950 for the rest of your life." 785 00:33:55,992 --> 00:33:57,994 [laughter] 786 00:34:01,914 --> 00:34:05,126 And I mean it, I mean it. You know how I know? 787 00:34:05,126 --> 00:34:07,628 We were leaving the park, going back to the car, 788 00:34:07,628 --> 00:34:09,338 and we had to cross a busy street. 789 00:34:09,380 --> 00:34:11,299 And Lourdon almost ran out into the street 790 00:34:11,299 --> 00:34:12,550 when a bus was coming. 791 00:34:12,592 --> 00:34:15,969 And I realized at that moment, if need be, 792 00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:18,389 I would have pushed Lourdon out of the way 793 00:34:18,431 --> 00:34:20,516 and I would have gotten hit by the bus, 794 00:34:20,558 --> 00:34:22,726 because I love her that much. 795 00:34:22,768 --> 00:34:24,062 [audience] Aww. 796 00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:26,397 And I would have done that, 797 00:34:26,438 --> 00:34:29,734 even though that makes horrible financial sense for my family. 798 00:34:29,775 --> 00:34:32,402 [laughter and scattered applause] 799 00:34:32,945 --> 00:34:34,739 I'm gonna be real with y'all, you might as well put 800 00:34:34,781 --> 00:34:36,866 my whole family in front of that bus, like... 801 00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:39,827 I'm not trying to place a value on lives, 802 00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:42,246 'cause she's eight and her potential is boundless. 803 00:34:42,288 --> 00:34:44,998 But I'm a one-in-a-million tal-- like, it's... 804 00:34:44,998 --> 00:34:47,043 -[raucous laughter] -It's highly unlikely 805 00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,503 that this happens twice in a family. 806 00:34:48,543 --> 00:34:50,755 Like-- like, I want her to live, 807 00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:53,091 but have you ever been to a child's funeral? 808 00:34:53,132 --> 00:34:54,759 [audience groans] 809 00:34:54,801 --> 00:34:56,594 It's not as sad as you think. 810 00:34:57,678 --> 00:35:00,223 No, it's mostly people speaking in hypotheticals. 811 00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:02,558 Like, "Oh, she could have been president someday." 812 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:03,768 And you gotta be like, "Yeah, sure, 813 00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:05,353 for just fucking saying shit." 814 00:35:05,394 --> 00:35:07,396 [laughter] 815 00:35:10,149 --> 00:35:12,610 I'm saying, as long as I'm alive, we grieve in Hawaii. 816 00:35:12,652 --> 00:35:13,861 [laughter] 817 00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:16,739 Regardless, she's alive. We're all alive. 818 00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:18,699 And we had such a great week together. 819 00:35:18,699 --> 00:35:20,868 Had such a great week with Lourdon. 820 00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:23,704 It-- it-- it made me realize how petty I was being. 821 00:35:23,704 --> 00:35:26,374 Like, that I was being silly, wanting so much praise 822 00:35:26,415 --> 00:35:28,292 from my family, you know? 823 00:35:29,669 --> 00:35:31,629 Like, it-- it was really-- it-- I-- I-- 824 00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:33,589 I just dropped all my defenses 825 00:35:33,631 --> 00:35:36,551 and-- and I-- I don't know, it just hit me 826 00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:39,637 that I get to take care of my family, 827 00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:41,222 and that's a good thing. 828 00:35:41,264 --> 00:35:44,475 And I had this idea that before I went back to New York 829 00:35:44,517 --> 00:35:46,811 -to go be gay, I was... -[laughter] 830 00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:48,980 I stopped by an ATM 831 00:35:49,021 --> 00:35:51,983 and I withdrew a couple thousand dollars, 832 00:35:52,024 --> 00:35:54,735 and I was gonna hide it in my mom's sock drawer. 833 00:35:54,735 --> 00:35:56,571 I just accepted my role as the Easter Bunny. 834 00:35:56,612 --> 00:35:58,573 I was like, I'm gonna hide it, and she's-- 835 00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:01,492 and I started imagining her face when she saw the money, 836 00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:04,495 I was like, she's gonna be so excited when she sees this. 837 00:36:04,537 --> 00:36:08,749 And as I was placing the money in my mom's sock drawer... 838 00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:10,918 it hit me. 839 00:36:12,253 --> 00:36:16,257 And all I heard was the minister's voice... 840 00:36:16,299 --> 00:36:18,301 [laughter] 841 00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:22,847 ...saying, "The seed you sow today." 842 00:36:22,889 --> 00:36:25,850 And I realized God is winning. He's really winning. 843 00:36:25,892 --> 00:36:28,895 [laughter and applause] 844 00:36:32,356 --> 00:36:35,985 Being home in North Carolina-- 845 00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:37,945 still call it home. Crazy, right? 846 00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:42,408 It's kind of hard for me because... 847 00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:48,039 my parents live in the house that I grew up in. 848 00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:50,875 And I'm there... 849 00:36:53,794 --> 00:36:55,963 I just-- it hit-- it's like a time capsule. 850 00:36:56,005 --> 00:36:58,633 Like, it-- it reminded me 851 00:36:58,674 --> 00:37:01,969 of how hard I tried to be straight. 852 00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:05,306 I was just like a little kid, like, just like trying 853 00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:07,391 really, really hard to be straight. 854 00:37:07,433 --> 00:37:08,851 Just a little teenager. 855 00:37:09,852 --> 00:37:12,605 Looked at my childhood closet, at all the Rocawear. 856 00:37:13,814 --> 00:37:15,149 [light laughter] 857 00:37:15,191 --> 00:37:17,985 Girbaud and some Sean John. 858 00:37:18,027 --> 00:37:20,821 You know, just trying to be cool. 859 00:37:20,821 --> 00:37:24,075 See my parents' living room, looking at, like, the spot 860 00:37:24,116 --> 00:37:26,452 where the-- the computer used to be. 861 00:37:27,536 --> 00:37:30,998 I remember it, like, when I was in middle school 862 00:37:30,998 --> 00:37:34,919 and I'd come home before my parents got off of work 863 00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:37,296 and I had like 15, 20 minutes to myself, 864 00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:41,926 I would take my mom's Bible she kept in her room, 865 00:37:41,968 --> 00:37:44,762 and I would hide it in a little drawer. 866 00:37:44,804 --> 00:37:48,015 And then, she had a Footprint in the Sand poster. 867 00:37:48,015 --> 00:37:51,018 And I'd take that and I'd turn it over 868 00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:53,020 so Jesus couldn't see. 869 00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:56,607 And then I would go to BiLatinMen.com... 870 00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:58,651 [laughter] 871 00:38:01,153 --> 00:38:02,613 ...and jerk off, but this is how hard 872 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:04,031 I was trying to be straight. 873 00:38:04,031 --> 00:38:08,536 Then, I would take the Bible out of the drawer, 874 00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:12,540 and I'd turn the poster back over so Jesus could watch, 875 00:38:12,540 --> 00:38:16,627 and I would force myself to jerk off to straight porn, 876 00:38:16,669 --> 00:38:20,214 -because I know God loves pussy. -[laughter] 877 00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:23,301 I was like, "You proud of your boy? Huh? 878 00:38:23,342 --> 00:38:27,263 Look at me, God. Cumming to girls." 879 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:31,726 I tried so hard to be straight. It was challenging. 880 00:38:31,767 --> 00:38:34,395 The biggest challenge occurred 881 00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:37,273 in January of the year 2000, 882 00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,442 and that was when D'Angelo... 883 00:38:39,859 --> 00:38:41,902 [scattered laughter] 884 00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:44,655 ...released the music video 885 00:38:44,697 --> 00:38:46,741 for Untitled (How Does it Feel). 886 00:38:46,741 --> 00:38:48,242 -[audience member] Yeah! -That was a big moment. 887 00:38:48,284 --> 00:38:50,244 Like, if some of you don't know what I'm talking about, 888 00:38:50,244 --> 00:38:51,746 don't worry, I take great pleasure 889 00:38:51,787 --> 00:38:53,456 in explaining why this was important. 890 00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:56,625 D'Angelo's a neo soul artist from Virginia 891 00:38:56,667 --> 00:39:00,421 who in the year 2000 was the hottest man on Earth. 892 00:39:00,421 --> 00:39:01,839 -[audience member] Yeah. -Like, D'Angelo-- 893 00:39:01,881 --> 00:39:03,674 D'Angelo was so hot, it actually ruined his life. 894 00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:06,427 Like, D'Angelo was so hot, 895 00:39:06,469 --> 00:39:08,429 you'd forget he's 5'7". 896 00:39:08,471 --> 00:39:10,598 [laughter] 897 00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:12,433 That's how hot he was, he transcended height. 898 00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:16,270 And he made a music video that was all about his body. 899 00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:18,981 It was all about his body, and his body was so perfect. 900 00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:20,524 It, like-- it's so well sculpted. 901 00:39:20,566 --> 00:39:22,985 I've seen Michelangelo's David in person. 902 00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:26,113 -It's whatever. -[laughter] 903 00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:28,491 Save yourself a trip to Florence. 904 00:39:28,532 --> 00:39:29,950 Just watch this video. 905 00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:32,912 Like, the video takes place in a black void. 906 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:36,123 Nothing else matters. 907 00:39:36,123 --> 00:39:38,959 And the camera moves slowly in one take 908 00:39:38,959 --> 00:39:41,796 over D'Angelo's body, and it starts on his hair. 909 00:39:43,464 --> 00:39:45,466 -[sighs] -[audience laughing] 910 00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:49,804 He had these perfectly braided cornrows. 911 00:39:49,845 --> 00:39:51,514 [chuckles] You could tell a Black girl somewhere 912 00:39:51,555 --> 00:39:53,974 really cared about him. 913 00:39:53,974 --> 00:39:55,810 Camera moved down over his face. 914 00:39:55,851 --> 00:39:58,646 Beautiful face, beautiful eyes. 915 00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:00,147 His goatee. 916 00:40:00,147 --> 00:40:04,235 Just, goatee surrounding these beautiful full lips. 917 00:40:04,276 --> 00:40:06,821 -[audience member] Yeah, mm-hmm. -[laughter] 918 00:40:06,862 --> 00:40:10,324 And the whole time, he's, like, smiling and singing, 919 00:40:10,366 --> 00:40:12,827 and smiling and singing, and he had a little gap. 920 00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:14,495 And he had a couple crooked teeth on the bottom, 921 00:40:14,495 --> 00:40:16,497 but, like, it was hot, though. 922 00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:18,082 Like, he was too masculine for a dentist. 923 00:40:18,124 --> 00:40:20,751 -It was, like, kinda hot. -[laughter] 924 00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,670 And the camera moved down some more over his neck, 925 00:40:22,711 --> 00:40:24,505 he was beginning to sweat. 926 00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:26,382 And I remember his neck had a vein bulging 927 00:40:26,424 --> 00:40:28,509 and a tattoo right here. 928 00:40:28,509 --> 00:40:30,719 And it moved down over his chest. 929 00:40:30,761 --> 00:40:32,179 I remember his chest, it was so sweaty. 930 00:40:32,179 --> 00:40:33,848 -[audience member] Yeah! -I remember all the sweat, 931 00:40:33,848 --> 00:40:35,099 sweating just over his-- 932 00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:37,351 he had these beautiful pillowy pecs, 933 00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:39,687 these cute chocolate chip nipples, 934 00:40:39,728 --> 00:40:41,397 and he was sweating over his arms. 935 00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:43,065 And I remember his arms looked like yams. 936 00:40:43,107 --> 00:40:45,276 It was like sweat all over his arms. 937 00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:48,112 And the sweat had mixed with D'Angelo's deodorant. 938 00:40:48,154 --> 00:40:51,031 So, there was one white, frothy bead of sweat 939 00:40:51,073 --> 00:40:53,701 that was dripping down over his abs. 940 00:40:53,701 --> 00:40:55,369 Like, more than a six, more than an eight. 941 00:40:55,369 --> 00:40:58,205 Like, they were just like-- like, contrasting when he sung. 942 00:40:58,205 --> 00:40:59,373 They looked like a tray of cookies. 943 00:40:59,415 --> 00:41:00,458 They were so beautiful. 944 00:41:00,499 --> 00:41:01,709 -[laughter] -And he had this-- 945 00:41:01,750 --> 00:41:05,713 this happy trail that went in between the V. 946 00:41:05,754 --> 00:41:07,256 [audience member] Whoo! 947 00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:09,967 You gotta understand, this is the year 2000. 948 00:41:10,009 --> 00:41:11,385 [laughter] 949 00:41:11,427 --> 00:41:13,888 None of us had ever seen the V before. 950 00:41:13,888 --> 00:41:15,890 D'Angelo was the first man with the V. 951 00:41:15,931 --> 00:41:18,893 And the V is a muscle you can't get by working out. 952 00:41:18,893 --> 00:41:20,561 You can only get that shit by fucking. 953 00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:23,230 You gotta earn that shit. And D'Angelo had, like, 954 00:41:23,230 --> 00:41:24,899 these beautiful cum gutters. 955 00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:26,901 -And the whole video... -[cheers and laughter] 956 00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:29,904 He wasn't even standing still. 957 00:41:29,945 --> 00:41:31,780 He was just glistening in the light 958 00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:34,241 and slowly rotating like a rotisserie chicken, 959 00:41:34,241 --> 00:41:35,910 just kinda going from side to side. 960 00:41:35,910 --> 00:41:37,912 [laughter and applause] 961 00:41:40,372 --> 00:41:42,791 When the video went off, like... [scoffs] 962 00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:45,920 You gotta understand, we used to watch BET together as a family. 963 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:47,922 So, I'm sitting there with basically everybody 964 00:41:47,963 --> 00:41:51,091 I know in my life, and it's one of those pieces of art 965 00:41:51,133 --> 00:41:52,760 that demands a response. 966 00:41:52,801 --> 00:41:55,095 Like, everyone in the room had to say something. 967 00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:57,598 And I'm a little closeted boy, I don't know how to respond. 968 00:41:57,598 --> 00:41:59,141 I don't know what to say. 969 00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:00,976 Like, I want to respond like the girls in the room. 970 00:42:02,269 --> 00:42:05,272 I wanted to go up and slowly touch the TV screen... 971 00:42:05,272 --> 00:42:08,025 -[laughter] -...like it was a prison visit. 972 00:42:08,067 --> 00:42:09,610 Just like a slow, like... 973 00:42:09,610 --> 00:42:11,612 [laughter and applause] 974 00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:15,449 But I couldn't. I had to be strong. 975 00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:17,076 I had to be a man. 976 00:42:18,452 --> 00:42:21,205 So, I ended up repeating some dumb, masculine shit 977 00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:23,999 I heard my big brother say, like, "Oh, the song was cool, 978 00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:26,627 but we ain't need all that," you know. 979 00:42:26,669 --> 00:42:28,462 Shit that I didn't mean. I didn't mean that. 980 00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:31,006 [laughter] 981 00:42:31,048 --> 00:42:33,217 I was trying 'cause I was raised straight. 982 00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:38,264 And when you're raised straight, you know there's only one rule. 983 00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,976 -Don't be gay. -[laughter] 984 00:42:42,017 --> 00:42:44,186 I broke the only rule, y'all, like I, like-- 985 00:42:44,228 --> 00:42:46,230 just the only rule, don't be gay. 986 00:42:46,272 --> 00:42:49,817 And I tried so hard. I lied to myself for so long 987 00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:51,986 about my sexuality and who I was. 988 00:42:52,027 --> 00:42:54,738 Like-- like, there was this weird period of time 989 00:42:54,780 --> 00:42:57,366 in like, 2013, 2014, maybe. 990 00:42:57,408 --> 00:43:00,995 Um, I-- I got a TV show on the air, 991 00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:02,871 The Carmichael Show, and you know, 992 00:43:02,913 --> 00:43:04,665 I'm like, straight in it, wearing Jordans, 993 00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:06,417 trying to throw people off the trail. 994 00:43:06,458 --> 00:43:09,336 And-- and I'm as public as I've ever been. 995 00:43:09,378 --> 00:43:11,380 I'm very, very public at this time. 996 00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:14,508 And at the same time, Grindr had just came out, 997 00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:16,844 so I was hooking up with guys. 998 00:43:16,885 --> 00:43:20,931 And it was crazy 'cause I had a really public life 999 00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:22,683 and a really private life, 1000 00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:25,519 and I was trying to keep those two worlds apart. 1001 00:43:25,519 --> 00:43:27,354 And it made me scared. 1002 00:43:28,272 --> 00:43:31,317 And because I was scared, I used to do something really immoral. 1003 00:43:32,276 --> 00:43:34,361 I-- During that time, I used to-- 1004 00:43:34,361 --> 00:43:36,030 I used to catfish people. 1005 00:43:36,071 --> 00:43:37,573 I know, I'm ashamed to say that. 1006 00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:40,034 Like, you should never send a picture of someone else. 1007 00:43:40,075 --> 00:43:42,536 Like, I justified it because, like, 1008 00:43:42,536 --> 00:43:44,538 the sinner changes the world to justify the sin. 1009 00:43:44,580 --> 00:43:46,957 Like, I know it's wrong, but I thought 1010 00:43:46,999 --> 00:43:51,378 that I objectively looked better 1011 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:53,297 than the nigga whose pictures I sent. 1012 00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:56,216 So, I thought people were in for a pleasant surprise. 1013 00:43:56,216 --> 00:43:58,469 Like, I thought people would show up, be mad at first, 1014 00:43:58,510 --> 00:44:00,554 and then be like, "Alright, you got me." 1015 00:44:00,554 --> 00:44:02,890 [laughter] 1016 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:07,645 But I remember one night, um, when I was visiting New York, 1017 00:44:07,686 --> 00:44:10,731 I-- I used to stay at this hotel, The Bowery, 1018 00:44:10,731 --> 00:44:12,650 um, in the Lower East Side. 1019 00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:15,235 And I stayed there for really shady reasons. 1020 00:44:15,235 --> 00:44:16,779 -[audience member] Mm-hmm. -[scattered laughter] 1021 00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:18,238 It wasn't 'cause the room service was good. 1022 00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,115 I stayed there 'cause you didn't need a key card 1023 00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:22,409 -to ride the elevator. -[light laughter] 1024 00:44:22,451 --> 00:44:24,745 That's so shady, I know, but, like, if I had a hook up 1025 00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:27,581 coming over late night, I didn't wanna have to out myself 1026 00:44:27,623 --> 00:44:30,292 by calling down to the front desk, making up some lie. 1027 00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:32,586 "Uh, my business associate is coming, 1028 00:44:32,586 --> 00:44:34,922 if you could send him up?" Like, I didn't wanna do that. 1029 00:44:34,963 --> 00:44:37,007 So, I'm at The Bowery. 1030 00:44:37,049 --> 00:44:39,593 It's late Saturday night, early Sunday morning. 1031 00:44:39,635 --> 00:44:41,345 I'm scrolling on Grindr, 1032 00:44:41,387 --> 00:44:43,263 I'm watching Saturday Night Live, 1033 00:44:43,263 --> 00:44:45,599 and I'm, like, just trying to find somebody to come over 1034 00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:48,185 and messaging mostly white guys, 1035 00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:50,813 'cause I felt like white guys wouldn't know me or my work, 1036 00:44:50,854 --> 00:44:53,107 so they wouldn't know who I was, so I was safe there. 1037 00:44:53,107 --> 00:44:55,776 And there was this one white dude that was nearby. 1038 00:44:55,818 --> 00:44:58,612 He was leaving a club. His name's Liam. 1039 00:44:58,612 --> 00:45:01,615 -[light laughter] -And, uh, we're messaging, 1040 00:45:01,615 --> 00:45:03,200 you know, just classic Grindr shit. 1041 00:45:03,242 --> 00:45:05,869 "What are you into? Um, I'm staying at The Bowery. 1042 00:45:05,911 --> 00:45:08,122 Bet. Come over." That type of shit. 1043 00:45:08,163 --> 00:45:11,291 And Liam's coming over to suck my dick. 1044 00:45:11,291 --> 00:45:12,835 [laughter] 1045 00:45:12,876 --> 00:45:14,461 I'm sorry to put that so explicitly. 1046 00:45:14,503 --> 00:45:16,130 The only reason I said it like that was because 1047 00:45:16,130 --> 00:45:18,632 that is the one silver lining to being gay, 1048 00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:20,968 is that you get to be totally honest 1049 00:45:21,009 --> 00:45:22,720 about why someone's coming over. 1050 00:45:25,013 --> 00:45:26,724 Unlike you straight men and your lies. 1051 00:45:26,765 --> 00:45:29,309 Like, straight men have to send messages like, 1052 00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:31,145 "You wanna get some ice cream," 1053 00:45:31,186 --> 00:45:34,064 or, "There's a comedy show that might be cool," 1054 00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:35,691 when really, you wanna get your dick sucked. 1055 00:45:35,733 --> 00:45:36,900 But you can't say that. 1056 00:45:36,942 --> 00:45:39,361 So, Liam's coming over to suck my dick, 1057 00:45:39,403 --> 00:45:41,363 and I gotta put on my DL uniform. 1058 00:45:41,405 --> 00:45:43,657 So, I put on some basketball shorts and a wife beater 1059 00:45:43,657 --> 00:45:45,367 and tie my durag up. 1060 00:45:45,409 --> 00:45:49,246 And I changed the channel from SNL to ESPN, 1061 00:45:49,288 --> 00:45:52,166 'cause I like to get blown, to, like, Around the Horn 1062 00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:54,209 -or-- or PTI. -[laughter] 1063 00:45:54,251 --> 00:45:56,003 There's a knock at the door, I open it. 1064 00:45:56,044 --> 00:45:58,046 Liam's standing there, white guy, 1065 00:45:58,088 --> 00:46:00,215 about 5'9" with a low haircut. 1066 00:46:00,257 --> 00:46:01,842 He's wearing a white flight jacket 1067 00:46:01,884 --> 00:46:05,053 with the orange lining, and he's vaping. 1068 00:46:05,095 --> 00:46:07,389 And he blew a cloud of smoke in the air, 1069 00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:10,350 and when it cleared, Liam asked me 1070 00:46:10,392 --> 00:46:13,729 the scariest question you could ask a closeted man. 1071 00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,397 Liam asked... 1072 00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:18,275 "Don't I know you?" 1073 00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:19,526 [audience members] Oh! 1074 00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:21,695 And my heart dropped, 1075 00:46:21,695 --> 00:46:24,198 and I thought the only reasonable thing 1076 00:46:24,198 --> 00:46:25,741 I could think in that moment. 1077 00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:29,077 "Am I gonna have to murder this white boy?" 1078 00:46:29,119 --> 00:46:30,621 -[laughter] -I-- I had stayed there enough. 1079 00:46:30,662 --> 00:46:32,039 I knew the trash schedule, so I thought 1080 00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:33,415 maybe I could get away with it. 1081 00:46:33,457 --> 00:46:35,876 But I still went through with the blowjob. 1082 00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:38,045 That's what's crazy about being a man. 1083 00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:41,298 Horniness prevails even in a high-stakes situation. 1084 00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:42,800 Like, there are men getting their dick sucked 1085 00:46:42,841 --> 00:46:43,967 at war right now. 1086 00:46:44,009 --> 00:46:45,385 Like, I-- I went through with the blowjob, 1087 00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:48,222 but it was the most suspicious blowjob of my life. 1088 00:46:48,263 --> 00:46:50,224 The whole time, Liam's just, like, on his knees, 1089 00:46:50,265 --> 00:46:51,975 just like, looking up, 1090 00:46:52,017 --> 00:46:53,894 just trying to figure out who I was. 1091 00:46:53,894 --> 00:46:55,813 -[laughter] -Switching eyes, 1092 00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:58,899 just going back and forth. And I'm trying to enjoy it, 1093 00:46:58,941 --> 00:47:00,734 but also, like, contorting my face 1094 00:47:00,734 --> 00:47:02,736 to look like someone else, just... 1095 00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,780 -[laughter] -[muffled] Doing this shit. 1096 00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:09,660 Nervous. It was a nerve-wracking blowjob. 1097 00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:16,208 Anyway, Liam finishes up, he gets up. 1098 00:47:18,919 --> 00:47:22,256 Puts his flight jacket back on, headed toward the door, 1099 00:47:22,256 --> 00:47:24,842 and I thought I got away with it... 1100 00:47:24,883 --> 00:47:28,178 until right before he left, he turned to me and he said-- 1101 00:47:28,220 --> 00:47:30,264 I'll never forget how Liam said this. 1102 00:47:30,305 --> 00:47:33,433 He said, "I figured it out." 1103 00:47:33,433 --> 00:47:35,978 -I was like, fuck! -[light laughter] 1104 00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:38,981 Liam said, "You're Michael Che." 1105 00:47:39,022 --> 00:47:41,608 And I said... [clearing throat] "Yes. Yes. 1106 00:47:41,650 --> 00:47:45,195 That's exactly who I am. Live from New York, baby." 1107 00:47:45,237 --> 00:47:47,239 [laughter and applause] 1108 00:47:50,993 --> 00:47:53,328 I'm glad to be over that. 1109 00:47:53,370 --> 00:47:55,956 You know, being closeted, it was very stressful. 1110 00:47:57,249 --> 00:47:58,792 I'm happy I'm out. 1111 00:47:58,792 --> 00:48:00,544 I feel a lot of pride about that. 1112 00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:02,129 And I-- I will say to you, 1113 00:48:02,170 --> 00:48:04,214 if anyone's in the closet about anything, 1114 00:48:04,256 --> 00:48:05,883 I really think you should come out 1115 00:48:05,924 --> 00:48:09,011 'cause it's really important, and you'll feel better. 1116 00:48:09,052 --> 00:48:12,055 And I think the world will be a better place. 1117 00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:16,226 I actually have this theory that hood violence will decrease... 1118 00:48:16,268 --> 00:48:18,312 [laughter] 1119 00:48:18,312 --> 00:48:20,522 ...by 15% if niggas are allowed to be gay. 1120 00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:23,483 That's my theory, haven't run the numbers on that yet. 1121 00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:27,195 And the-- the only thing that I'm kind of afraid of still 1122 00:48:27,237 --> 00:48:29,031 is PDA. 1123 00:48:30,032 --> 00:48:32,242 Like-- I, like-- I'm kinda terrified of... 1124 00:48:33,243 --> 00:48:35,704 something about being public. 1125 00:48:36,788 --> 00:48:38,999 You know, like kissing my boyfriend, 1126 00:48:39,041 --> 00:48:41,043 holding his hand in public. 1127 00:48:41,084 --> 00:48:42,544 It makes me a little nervous. 1128 00:48:42,586 --> 00:48:44,588 I feel like I'm painting a target on my back. 1129 00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:47,507 I get really scared, and I'm trying to get over that. 1130 00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:51,053 And last summer, my boyfriend and I went to Paris 1131 00:48:51,094 --> 00:48:52,679 and we went to dinner, 1132 00:48:52,721 --> 00:48:54,848 and we're having a really good time 1133 00:48:54,890 --> 00:48:57,059 just laughing and drinking saké. 1134 00:48:57,100 --> 00:48:59,102 And we left the restaurant and we decided 1135 00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:02,272 to walk back to the hotel. 1136 00:49:02,314 --> 00:49:03,857 And on the sidewalk, 1137 00:49:03,899 --> 00:49:05,525 my boyfriend reached out his hand. 1138 00:49:06,526 --> 00:49:09,404 And in that moment, I was like, you know... 1139 00:49:11,073 --> 00:49:12,866 "Let it go, Jerrod. 1140 00:49:12,908 --> 00:49:15,202 "It's okay. It is okay. 1141 00:49:15,243 --> 00:49:17,245 You're gay, be proud of it." 1142 00:49:17,287 --> 00:49:18,372 I'm in love. 1143 00:49:18,413 --> 00:49:19,873 I-- like-- Like, I want to show it. 1144 00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:23,043 I-- I don't want to be scared and closeted anymore. 1145 00:49:23,043 --> 00:49:25,545 I want to show it. And I remember reaching out 1146 00:49:25,545 --> 00:49:29,091 and clasping my boyfriend's hand and kissing him... 1147 00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:32,260 and feeling really good about that. 1148 00:49:34,763 --> 00:49:37,641 -Until... -[light laughter] 1149 00:49:37,683 --> 00:49:39,726 ...there was this old white Nissan 1150 00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:42,229 that started creeping up beside us. 1151 00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,815 And I'm from the hood, I don't like when a vehicle creeps. 1152 00:49:44,856 --> 00:49:46,358 -[light laughter] -Any vehicle. 1153 00:49:47,401 --> 00:49:49,152 I was standing on a pier the other day, 1154 00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:50,821 and a yacht slowed down in front of me, 1155 00:49:50,862 --> 00:49:52,489 and I was like, "Oh, they about to start shooting." 1156 00:49:52,531 --> 00:49:55,117 I don't like any creeps. So, I'm trying to ignore it. 1157 00:49:55,158 --> 00:49:57,327 And I'm walking and I'm holding my boyfriend's hand, 1158 00:49:57,369 --> 00:49:59,746 trying to feel proud, and then one of the guys-- 1159 00:49:59,746 --> 00:50:01,999 it was like five or six Parisian dudes in the car-- 1160 00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,167 like, one of the guys yelled something in French. 1161 00:50:04,209 --> 00:50:06,586 I tried to ignore that. Just keep walking. 1162 00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:09,006 And then, one of the guys threw a cup 1163 00:50:09,047 --> 00:50:11,633 of what I believe to be water, 1164 00:50:11,675 --> 00:50:14,094 from the car window, and it splashed all over us, 1165 00:50:14,094 --> 00:50:16,138 and the car sped off, and I'm pissed. 1166 00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:20,517 Like, my initial reaction was to just chase the car down 1167 00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:22,352 and fight 'em. And I can't really fight, 1168 00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:24,271 but I know I could beat up anybody in Paris. 1169 00:50:24,312 --> 00:50:25,939 [laughter] 1170 00:50:25,939 --> 00:50:29,109 But I'm mad and my ego's hurt, and I can tell my ego is hurt 1171 00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:30,610 because I'm thinking about money. 1172 00:50:30,652 --> 00:50:33,113 I'm just like, "You broke motherfuckers. 1173 00:50:33,155 --> 00:50:35,532 -I'll buy ten of your cars!" -[laughter] 1174 00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:37,200 Then, I start yelling crazy shit like, 1175 00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:39,953 "I'll buy your dad and fuck him," just crazy shit. 1176 00:50:39,953 --> 00:50:42,205 [laughter] 1177 00:50:42,247 --> 00:50:43,999 And I'm mad, and I dropped my boyfriend's hand. 1178 00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:45,792 I'm just muttering to myself like Joe Pesci, 1179 00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:47,878 like, "These motherfuckers. Somebody's gonna fucking pay. 1180 00:50:47,919 --> 00:50:49,379 Somebody's gonna pay." I remember saying that 1181 00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:51,381 over and over, "Somebody's gonna fucking pay for this." 1182 00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:53,175 We got back to the hotel room, 1183 00:50:53,216 --> 00:50:55,302 and I sat on the edge of the bed, 1184 00:50:55,343 --> 00:50:57,304 and in that moment, I... 1185 00:50:58,555 --> 00:50:59,681 I cried. 1186 00:51:03,977 --> 00:51:06,480 It was harder than I've ever cried before in my life. 1187 00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:14,696 [sighs] It hit me how unfair it was. 1188 00:51:16,156 --> 00:51:18,200 How fucked up it was. 1189 00:51:18,241 --> 00:51:21,870 That I'm proud and I'm in love, and they throw water on us, 1190 00:51:21,912 --> 00:51:23,663 and it's so unfair. 1191 00:51:23,705 --> 00:51:25,916 And Michael comes and he sits beside me. 1192 00:51:25,957 --> 00:51:27,501 He starts rubbing my back, and I'm just like, 1193 00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:30,087 "This is so fucked up. It's just so unfair." 1194 00:51:30,128 --> 00:51:31,713 Michael's like, "Jerrod." 1195 00:51:31,755 --> 00:51:33,340 I'm like, "It's just so unfair." 1196 00:51:33,340 --> 00:51:35,008 I'm like, "This is so fucked up." 1197 00:51:35,008 --> 00:51:36,218 And Michael's like, "I know." 1198 00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:38,011 And I'm like, "This-- Why would they do this?" 1199 00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:42,099 Michael said, "Look, I heard what those guys said. 1200 00:51:42,140 --> 00:51:45,519 "And while I don't speak a lot of French, 1201 00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:47,020 "I do know a little. 1202 00:51:48,021 --> 00:51:50,649 "And I don't know how to say this, but... 1203 00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:56,446 "I don't think they threw water on us 1204 00:51:56,488 --> 00:51:58,115 because we're gay." 1205 00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:01,535 And I stopped crying. I looked up. 1206 00:52:01,576 --> 00:52:04,996 I was like, "They didn't?" He said, "Yeah. 1207 00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:09,042 "I-- I think they threw water on you 1208 00:52:09,042 --> 00:52:11,461 because you're Black." And I was like, "Oh." 1209 00:52:11,503 --> 00:52:13,588 -[laughter] -Huh. 1210 00:52:15,340 --> 00:52:16,925 I get so caught up in homophobia, 1211 00:52:16,967 --> 00:52:18,677 I forget about racism.