1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,881 --> 00:00:13,013 The last time I was on television, I made a reality show. 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,682 I had recently come out, and I was still dealing 5 00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:18,601 with a lot of, like, internalized homophobia, 6 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:23,106 and I was incessantly cheating on someone that I love very much. 7 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,525 And I wasn't being the man I knew I could be. 8 00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:30,363 So, I had this idea that if I document everything 9 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:34,617 I'm most ashamed of, and release that out into the world, 10 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,954 maybe that could help me release some of my own shame. 11 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:41,082 And I was really proud of the show that I made. 12 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:42,876 And after it came out, I checked Twitter 13 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:46,588 to see if maybe it connected with someone else 14 00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:48,590 who might have been going through the same thing 15 00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:52,761 I was going through, and the first thing I read was, 16 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,763 "Why this nigga Jerrod got a white boyfriend?" 17 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,932 And that's on me, I fucked up. 18 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,853 I got so caught up in homophobia, I forgot about racism. 19 00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:03,772 Now, I don't know if any of you 20 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:06,691 have ever been bullied online by a group of gay Black men, 21 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:09,360 but let me tell you, it's not fun. 22 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,113 They were so mean to me, y'all. 23 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:14,866 Like, I saw a tweet, somebody posted a picture 24 00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:17,035 of a white man holding a raccoon 25 00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:19,537 and it said, "Look, there go Jerrod and his boyfriend." 26 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,664 It was devastating. Kind of funny. 27 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:24,584 That's what made it worse. And I read all of this shit. 28 00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,002 I couldn't look away. 29 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,838 I read every word. I know what you're thinking. 30 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:32,425 "Just put your phone down, Jerrod, you don't need this shit." I couldn't. 31 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,636 You ever, like, hear celebrities say shit like, 32 00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,137 "Oh, I don't really check Twitter. 33 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:39,182 I don't read the comments." They're lying to you. 34 00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:42,977 Everyone reads every word, even the reclusive celebrities. 35 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:45,939 Like, if you wanna get a message to Daniel Day-Lewis, 36 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,400 all you gotta do is tweet: 37 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:53,947 "Hey, Daniel Day-Lewis, fuck you." And he's gonna read that shit. 38 00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,575 People were saying, like, such personal shit 39 00:01:57,658 --> 00:01:59,786 about me, and my life, and my sex life. 40 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:02,080 Somebody said that I hate myself, 41 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:05,291 I hate Black men, and that I only hooked up 42 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,960 with white men, and that's not true. 43 00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:11,506 I'm here to tell y'all that is not true. I've hooked up with plenty of Black men. 44 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:17,303 It's just that my type of Black man tends to be pretty masculine. 45 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:21,641 So, sometimes I find myself in these sexually competitive situations 46 00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:24,352 where neither one of us wants to submit. 47 00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:27,438 So, we end up, like, holding our dicks in a Mexican standoff. 48 00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:31,734 Just being like, "Alright, alright, you suck my dick." 49 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,028 "No, nigga, you suck my dick." 50 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,613 "Alright, 69 on three." 51 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,866 This shit went on for weeks. 52 00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:40,410 I read so much about myself for many, many weeks, 53 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,120 and I started spiraling. 54 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:45,665 Like, it was hurting my feelings and I needed to do something. 55 00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:50,670 So, I started seeing a Black therapist to figure out why I got a white boyfriend. 56 00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:54,924 Session one, I'm not gonna lie, I came in hot. 57 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:58,052 I kicked in her door, I was like, "Tell me, am I Clarence Thomas?" 58 00:02:58,136 --> 00:03:02,640 And she was like, "Okay." She was like, "Relax, Jerrod. 59 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:05,768 Take your coat off. Get comfortable." 60 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:08,021 And she asked me what was wrong, 61 00:03:08,103 --> 00:03:10,273 and I told her that the internet was being mean to me. 62 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,818 And she said, "What are they saying?" 63 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:19,449 And I just read someone tweeted that the reason I have a white boyfriend 64 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:25,079 is because I have an inferiority complex to white people. 65 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,706 And my therapist lit up. 66 00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:29,459 She was like, "Well, let's explore that, Jerrod. 67 00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:31,294 "Take me through your childhood. 68 00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,254 "Tell me your relationship with white people. 69 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:35,423 Have you ever felt inferior?" 70 00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:38,051 And I thought about it really for the first time. 71 00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,761 I was like, huh. 72 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,804 Like, just thinking about my childhood, like, 73 00:03:42,930 --> 00:03:46,476 my neighborhood was basically all Black. 74 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:50,063 My elementary school actually seemed like an experiment 75 00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,148 done by the NAACP. 76 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:55,902 For real, they played Whitney Houston's national anthem every morning. 77 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,238 Isn't that crazy? 78 00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:03,409 My grandma worked in a cafeteria there. All my neighbors were all Black, 79 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:07,372 except, I remember there was one white family 80 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:11,501 who lived in a house at the end of my dead-end street. 81 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:14,671 But all of them-- this is true-- 82 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,882 all of them suffered from some form of mental disability. 83 00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,719 So, I told my therapist, 84 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:27,600 I don't think I have an inferiority complex, 85 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:31,771 'cause for the first 13 years of my life, I thought all white people were retarded. 86 00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:36,067 I actually did. I really did. I did. The first white film I ever saw 87 00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:38,444 was Forrest Gump, and I was just staring at the screen like, 88 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,905 "Man, how are white people functioning in the world, 89 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,533 and they're so, so retarded?" 90 00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:52,000 You know what didn't feel good? 91 00:04:52,082 --> 00:04:53,668 Having Black people mad at me. 92 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,296 Yeah, you ever been through that? 93 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,923 It doesn't feel good. No, no one can handle that. 94 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:02,260 Like, and what feels great is when Black people like you. 95 00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,304 Like, I was walking down the street the other day, 96 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,014 and a Black dude just rolled down his window, 97 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:08,433 and he was like, "Hey, I see you." 98 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:13,563 Who, me? You see me? 99 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:16,190 I stood up straight, and you know how it made me feel? 100 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:20,194 Seen. I felt seen. I love Black people's approval. 101 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:23,072 Don't get me wrong, I like white people's approval, too. 102 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:26,200 White approval makes me feel financially secure. 103 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:31,622 I want Black people to like me, but one white lady 104 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:34,542 from HBO liked me, and I've been a multi-millionaire ever since. 105 00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:35,960 So, it's different. 106 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:40,381 Thank you. Thank you. I'll let her know. 107 00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:45,720 I was really anxious. I'm an anxious person. 108 00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:48,848 I have a really specific brand of anxiety. 109 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:52,643 I'm my most anxious when everything's peaceful. 110 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:57,065 Like, when things are going good, that's when I'm really nervous. 111 00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,025 I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. 112 00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:03,905 I think if I lived here in New York on 9/11, that would have been 113 00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:06,282 an emotionally validating experience for me. 114 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,494 No, I'll tell you why. 'Cause I would've walked outside. 115 00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:11,913 It would have been a peaceful day, birds chirping. 116 00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:14,957 Then all of a sudden, a plane crashes into a building 117 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,709 and my first thought would be, 118 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:19,754 "I told you motherfuckers some shit was going down." 119 00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:21,923 That's what's happening in my heart, I'm nervous. 120 00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:25,802 And I bring that anxiety to my relationship. 121 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:28,513 I'm the anxious one in my relationship. 122 00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,390 'Cause what's crazy about love 123 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,267 is that when someone tells you they love you, 124 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,396 you just have to take their word for it. 125 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:40,108 That's crazy. That's not crazy to y'all? 126 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:42,151 That's insane. I need more proof than that. 127 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,571 I'll be waking my boyfriend up in the middle of the night. 128 00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,281 Like, "Do you love me?" Just like shaking him, 129 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:49,117 like, trying to catch him off-guard. 130 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,414 I understand weddings. 131 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,916 I didn't like weddings in my youth. 132 00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:59,752 I used to rebel against them. I used to get mad 133 00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,963 when my friends invited me to their wedding. 134 00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:04,215 I'd be like, "Why you invite me to this mid-show? 135 00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:07,593 "The chicken's dry. You playing top 40 hits. 136 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:09,971 "I had to book a flight to watch you make a decision? 137 00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:13,808 Like, I came all this way to watch you slow dance with your father? Fuck you." 138 00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:18,104 That's how I used to feel. That's before falling in love. 139 00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:22,400 Now, I realize that the point of a wedding isn't the party. 140 00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:26,696 The reason you have a wedding is for the witnesses. 141 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,532 That's why you have a wedding. 142 00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:33,119 A wedding is a time where you get the person 143 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:37,957 who claims that they love you to stand right here beside you. 144 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:42,128 You invite everybody you ever met before in your entire life. 145 00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,338 Your family's there. His family's there. 146 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:48,217 You invite doormen from buildings you don't even live in anymore. 147 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,469 They're all there. 148 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:52,013 And you get all your best friends to line up behind you 149 00:07:52,096 --> 00:07:54,640 just to stare at this motherfucker. 150 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,726 The whole point of the ceremony 151 00:07:56,808 --> 00:07:59,729 is for you to turn to them and say, 152 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:01,772 "Hey, what's that shit you were saying about you love me? 153 00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,485 "No, tell them. Your auntie flew out. 154 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,528 "Tell your auntie how you said you want to die with me. 155 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,489 Say it. 'Till death.'" 156 00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,702 That's why you have a wedding. Alright. 157 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:22,627 I understand it now because I'm in love and I want to get married. 158 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:24,420 Yeah, I do, I do. 159 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,797 I love my boyfriend a lot, he's my best friend. 160 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,966 Like, I like every moment with him. 161 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,427 I like laying in his lap while he plays Mario. 162 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:35,932 I hope we're together forever. 163 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:39,602 We just had an anniversary on January 6th. 164 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,647 Yeah. 165 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,358 He insurrected my heart. 166 00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:48,236 He doesn't like when I say that, but I like that. 167 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:58,579 And it's so new to me, it's so exciting. You know, like, he's my equal. 168 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,915 And that's really important that you be with your equal. 169 00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:03,000 Don't get me wrong, we're different. 170 00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,503 We have a lot of differences. We grew up differently. 171 00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:07,421 We listen to different types of music. 172 00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:11,509 I grew up listening to a lot of rap, a lot of Jay-Z. 173 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:15,972 So, all of my favorite songs are usually about a drug dealer 174 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:21,269 with a gun who did what he had to do to survive. 175 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:24,689 And my boyfriend grew up listening to a lot of Bjork. 176 00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,777 And, like, Joanna Newsom. 177 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:33,614 So, all of his favorite songs are about a sparrow getting an abortion. 178 00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:35,992 So, we're very different. 179 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,953 But I think we are equals, and that's important. 180 00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:41,289 It's important that you be with your equal. 181 00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:43,665 You have to, 'cause if you feel like the lucky one, 182 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,167 that means you're getting cheated on. 183 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,420 And if you know they're the lucky one, 184 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:49,380 you're just constantly looking for a way out. 185 00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:51,007 So, you have to be equals. 186 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,467 My boyfriend and I are equals. 187 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:58,973 I'm rich and he's white, so we're equals. That's even. 188 00:09:59,056 --> 00:10:01,058 Even Stevens. 189 00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:07,815 But I can't help but compare myself to him all the time. 190 00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:10,943 Anything my boyfriend does to better himself, 191 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:14,447 I take as a personal indictment against me. 192 00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:16,782 Like if he gets out of bed before me in the morning, 193 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,451 I feel like a lazy piece of shit. 194 00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:21,037 This is the best example I can think of. 195 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,539 We bought a waffle maker from Williams-Sonoma 196 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,417 'cause I love waffles. 197 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,336 I love waffle day. 198 00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:30,379 I get excited the night before. I ask my boyfriend, 199 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,922 like, "You're gonna make waffles tomorrow?" 200 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,883 He's like, "Yeah." I get my eight hours, 201 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,385 and I wake up so happy, it's like Christmas. 202 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,221 We go downstairs and my boyfriend cooks the waffles, 203 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,098 and then we plate our waffles differently. 204 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:46,020 What I like to do, I take my waffles and I rip 'em up into little pieces. 205 00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:48,272 And I make a little, little waffle mountain, 206 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,940 just like a crumbled waffle mountain. 207 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:53,444 Then, I melt half a pot of Kerrygold butter, 208 00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:55,780 -and I drench the waffles... -Yes! 209 00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:59,325 ...in butter, and then I find the cheapest syrup I can find. 210 00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:04,497 None of that, like, organic, grade-A maple bullshit. 211 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,207 I mean, like Log Cabin. 212 00:11:07,124 --> 00:11:08,417 I like that shit. 213 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,754 And then, I just drench the waffles in Log Cabin. 214 00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,590 Then, I put the plate in the microwave for 14 seconds. 215 00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:16,592 You gotta let it get in there, 216 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,886 like, bubble up a little bit, and I go to the table. 217 00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,763 That's how I like my waffles. 218 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:24,433 My boyfriend likes his waffles 219 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:28,354 with a dollop of creme fraiche and some berries. 220 00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:29,897 Now... 221 00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:35,778 That shouldn't matter. Who cares? We eat waffles differently. 222 00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:38,197 But comparison sets in. 223 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,950 I'm sitting at the table, looking at my waffles 224 00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,618 just shining in the light. 225 00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:47,206 I look across the table at my boyfriend and his waffles. 226 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:50,084 Look back at mine. 227 00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:53,504 And I look at his, and I look at mine. 228 00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:55,131 And then I snap and go, 229 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,175 "So, I'm just a nigga to you, aren't I? 230 00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:02,930 "That's all you see when you look at me, 231 00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:06,559 just a high-cholesterol nigga, like my father and his father before him." 232 00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,352 He didn't ask for that. It's breakfast. 233 00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,689 But I'm always comparing. 234 00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,650 I compare everything that we do all the time. 235 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,318 I think about how we operate. 236 00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:18,571 How we communicate with each other is important. 237 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:22,533 And I'm learning what to do with anger in my relationship 238 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:27,329 'cause I'm real sensitive and I get my feelings hurt all the time. 239 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:30,875 All the time. 240 00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,252 Sometimes my boyfriend says stuff in a way 241 00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,921 that lets me know he's never been punched in the face before. 242 00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:41,343 You know what I mean? Like, it's a tone that he uses. 243 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,512 Like, he's passive-aggressive sometimes and like, 244 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,681 passive-aggression is white violence, I've learned. 245 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,310 And I can't fight him. 246 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,980 That's not how gay relationships work. That's how I thought it would work. 247 00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:54,857 I thought if I got mad at him, 248 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,817 then we'd just square up like men. 249 00:12:57,693 --> 00:12:59,695 No cops, no cops. 250 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,615 First person to drop apologizes. That's not how it works. 251 00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:06,243 I still have to express my feelings. 252 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:11,165 And I have to tell him when he's hurt my feelings. 253 00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:14,794 And that's really difficult for me to do 254 00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:19,673 because that is really gay. 255 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:23,677 Don't get me wrong. I'll suck his dick till the cows come home. 256 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:26,514 I'm not gonna tell him he's hurt my feelings. 257 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,224 I'm a man, goddammit! 258 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,854 And I'd like to. I know it's-- 259 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,565 Look, I would like to be able to tell Michael 260 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:40,069 when my feelings are hurt, because that's the right thing to do. 261 00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:44,156 But unfortunately, I'm really good 262 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,576 at withholding all of my feelings from the person I love. 263 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:52,331 And when you're really good at something, it's hard not to use that as a crutch. 264 00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,292 And you can be good at withholding. 265 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:59,171 Withholding is a game that only one of you knows that you're playing. 266 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:06,178 And the object of the game is to get them to ask you what's wrong 267 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:09,390 without you ever telling them that something's wrong. 268 00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:12,226 And here's what you gotta do. First of all, 269 00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:15,271 you can't look mad 'cause then you lost. 270 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:18,440 You can't look mad, because then they know you care. 271 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:21,527 And everybody knows the person with power in the relationship 272 00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:24,154 is the one who cares the least, so don't look mad. 273 00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,657 What you gotta do is look preoccupied. 274 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,201 But really, you gotta make it seem 275 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,121 like there's some deep mathematical equation 276 00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:35,249 that you're trying to figure out that's too deep for them to understand. 277 00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:36,876 Like, you're just in your head, just like-- 278 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,502 just some-- just-- don't say anything out loud, 279 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,963 but just think like, "Wait, if two and three is five..." 280 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:46,760 And at first, at first, they're not gonna notice. 281 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,387 They're not gonna ask you what's wrong. 282 00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:51,473 They're gonna ask you some basic shit, like, "What do you want for dinner?" 283 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,767 And that's gonna really piss you the fuck off. 284 00:14:56,186 --> 00:14:58,022 But that means you gotta take it up a notch. 285 00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:00,649 You start withholding all of your affection. 286 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,777 All of the affection. Give them no affection. 287 00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:08,532 But then, give all of that affection to anybody else in their face. 288 00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:11,619 And if nobody comes over, give that shit to the dog. 289 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:13,913 I be rolling around on the floor with the dogs, just be like, 290 00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:17,541 "Who's the best boy in the house? Who's my favorite boy?" 291 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:24,798 Don't laugh. Don't laugh until they leave the room. 292 00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:27,009 Then you can laugh real loud at some shit. 293 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,804 Hopefully, they'll come running back in and say, 294 00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:33,766 "What's so funny?" You just be like, "Nothing." 295 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:41,690 And eventually, eventually-- sometimes it takes a couple days-- 296 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,194 they'll finally ask you, "What's wrong?" 297 00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,905 And I'll be honest with y'all. 298 00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:49,531 Like, sometimes it takes my boyfriend 299 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,201 so long to ask me what's wrong, and I'm so pissed off, 300 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:56,080 that I respond to him by going, "What? 301 00:15:57,581 --> 00:16:00,751 "Babe, nothing's wrong. 302 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:03,504 Is everything okay with you?" 303 00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:07,257 Because sometimes my house is illuminated by gaslight. 304 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:27,820 I wanna be better. I actually need to be better. 305 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:31,240 I feel that I wanna mature in my relationship. 306 00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:36,370 I wanna be able to be expressive, and open, and honest all the time. 307 00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:38,831 I know that's really important in a relationship. 308 00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,083 And it's really important in our relationship, 309 00:16:41,165 --> 00:16:44,461 because we're in an open relationship. 310 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:47,631 Which was his idea. 311 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,174 My idea was to cheat 312 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:54,513 and to live a secret life, and let the lie weigh on my soul, 313 00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,890 and come home and sit quietly in the driveway 314 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,018 for a real long time, just like my dad. 315 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,270 'Cause I didn't want to open it. 316 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:03,897 I have a fear of other people's judgment, and I could-- 317 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:05,773 I could feel what some of you are thinking right now, 318 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,444 like, "What is an open relationship, and why do it?" 319 00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:12,156 And if you really love someone, 320 00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:15,617 can't you just want to be with that one person? 321 00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,787 And the answer's no. I... 322 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,415 I wanna fuck everybody all the time. 323 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:24,835 Really, like, I play a little game in my head 324 00:17:24,917 --> 00:17:28,047 anytime I'm in a new room, called If These Doors Get Locked. 325 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,384 Who am I fucking first? 326 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:37,014 And I have a list, and I got reserves. I'm a very sexual person, 327 00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:38,891 and I'm learning to accept that about myself. 328 00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:41,560 And I can't spend my life suppressing my sexuality. 329 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:45,773 And I can't pretend I only wanna fuck one person, 330 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:49,359 because that's a lie reserved for straight people. 331 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,945 That's what y'all do. I see it all the time. 332 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:55,657 Like, I was at dinner with my friend and his wife the other night, 333 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,284 and we were talking about actresses, 334 00:17:57,367 --> 00:18:00,162 and somebody brought up Sydney Sweeney who's just like a pretty actress, 335 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:05,125 and somebody asked my straight friend what he thought of Sydney, and he lied 336 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:12,382 by using a word that straight men only use when their girl's around. 337 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:16,345 He said, "Oh, oh, Sydney? She's attractive." 338 00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:20,182 That's how he said it too. His voice went up an octave. He's like, 339 00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:21,683 "She's attractive. 340 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:24,436 She's got two eyes and a nose and a mouth." 341 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,563 And I'm looking at him like, "You think she's attractive, 342 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,732 "or do you want to eat her asshole after the gym? 343 00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,359 Which one is it?" 344 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,656 I get it, it's hard being that transparent, 345 00:18:35,739 --> 00:18:39,034 'cause open relationships require a lot of transparency, 346 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,953 which can be a good thing. 347 00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:44,414 It can be a beautiful thing to be open and honest with someone, 348 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:50,379 but it can also be very difficult to tell the person that you care about 349 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,965 that you want to hook up with somebody else. 350 00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:54,591 That can be hard. 351 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:58,637 'Cause what that means is, on a quiet Tuesday at home, 352 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:02,266 when my boyfriend is curled up with a good book, 353 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,310 and we got a Le Labo candle burning, 354 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,730 and an NPR Tiny Desk is playing. 355 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:15,028 I have to disrupt that peace and look at him and say, "Hey. 356 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,449 "Instead of spending the evening here with you, 357 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:26,165 "I think I wanna go throat fuck this 23-year-old. 358 00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,208 I'll be back before dinner." 359 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:29,751 -That's hard. -Yeah. 360 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,045 That's hard to say to y'all. Look at how you reacted. 361 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,093 What are the implications? What does that mean? 362 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,678 'Cause people think that you open a relationship 363 00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,346 'cause you're bored with sex with your partner. 364 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,974 That's not true. That's not true for me. 365 00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:47,477 It's actually very new for me having, like, sex in love. 366 00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,438 Like, that's very new. 367 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,316 My boyfriend's the first person I ever fucked that I respect. 368 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:55,819 I didn't know you were supposed to do that, my bad. 369 00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:00,908 Like, I respect him a lot, and it's like, really passionate sex. 370 00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:02,826 You know, his arms are the safest place 371 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,078 in the world for me, so I, like, I really love 372 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,039 the sex that we have, it's real connected. 373 00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:10,417 We look into each other's eyes, and we switch eyes, you know what I mean? 374 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,169 Like, you ever go, like, left, right, left, right, 375 00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:15,339 when you fucking, like, switch eyes, and it's so meaningful? 376 00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:18,592 My boyfriend's my Clair Huxtable. You know, like... 377 00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,595 Hey, the show ain't rape nobody. What I'm saying-- 378 00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:24,932 what I'm saying is, I grew up watching The Cosby Show. 379 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,476 -Yes! -And Cliff and Clair Huxtable 380 00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,186 were an important couple to me. 381 00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:32,147 Like, they were two people who respected each other a lot. 382 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,066 They were professionals, they loved each other. 383 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,943 They raised the family together. 384 00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:38,946 And that's how I look at my boyfriend, as somebody I want to raise a family with. 385 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,281 And I love the meaningful sex we have. 386 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:42,366 But... 387 00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:47,788 sometimes I also want 388 00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:51,375 a slut that I can abuse. 389 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:56,296 Just me? Fine, I'll be alone in this. 390 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,590 You know, just a stranger from the internet 391 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,634 that comes over to be dominated. 392 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:05,847 Somebody I don't respect at all. They don't respect me either. 393 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,225 Somebody that comes over, they ask for a bottle of water, 394 00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:09,977 and I give 'em the cheap plastic shit. 395 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,062 I reserve the glass bottles for me and my boo, 396 00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:15,357 but they get, like, the crinkly Poland Springs bullshit. 397 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,068 Somebody I don't even use my real voice around. 398 00:21:18,151 --> 00:21:21,071 I speak a couple octaves lower. I'm like, "Yeah, what's up?" 399 00:21:21,154 --> 00:21:23,657 You know, I'm a little more dom. They want to be dominated. 400 00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:26,535 They want me to choke 'em. I love choking. 401 00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,415 You know what I mean? You ever choke somebody 402 00:21:31,498 --> 00:21:33,875 till it almost goes too far? 403 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,335 You know what I'm talking about? 404 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,045 Like, they start shaking and coughing a little bit. 405 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:40,173 I love that shit. I love spitting in people's mouths. 406 00:21:43,093 --> 00:21:45,387 You ever do that? You know what I'm talking about? 407 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,890 And not a light mist either, I mean like a mother bird 408 00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,852 feeding her young like a deep-- it's almost racist-- 409 00:21:51,935 --> 00:21:55,647 like a deep, like, eye-on-the-prize spit from down South, I just spit. 410 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:59,484 And I love when it misses their mouth and it gets in they eye. I'm really tall. 411 00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:03,071 So, if I'm fucking somebody from behind, I like to try and take my left foot 412 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:05,657 and reach around and just step on they face, 413 00:22:05,741 --> 00:22:08,702 just a dirty Nike sock on they face, 414 00:22:08,785 --> 00:22:11,371 and I'm talking to 'em like, "Yeah, you like that shit, don't you? 415 00:22:11,455 --> 00:22:14,666 Yeah, take that shit. Open up for daddy. Open up for daddy." 416 00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:17,961 Anyway, I don't wanna do that to Clair Huxtable. 417 00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:21,840 You know, she's got on silk pajamas. She's a lawyer. 418 00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:24,885 She got work in the morning. 419 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,479 The relationship's open, so that means my boyfriend 420 00:22:35,562 --> 00:22:37,397 gets to fuck other people, too. 421 00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,358 And I'll be honest, I don't like that shit. 422 00:22:40,942 --> 00:22:42,736 Don't like it at all. Think it's cool when I do it, 423 00:22:42,819 --> 00:22:44,196 don't like when he does it. 424 00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:46,365 'Cause we still have to tell each other 425 00:22:46,448 --> 00:22:47,991 about what we've done, and I don't want to think 426 00:22:48,075 --> 00:22:50,744 about my boo with a dirty Nike sock to the face. 427 00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:54,790 And my boyfriend's real descriptive too. 428 00:22:56,249 --> 00:22:58,919 Like, sometimes he uses words that I can't get out of my head. 429 00:22:59,002 --> 00:23:00,754 Like the last guy he hooked up with, 430 00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:04,549 he described that man's dick as having a lot of heft to it. 431 00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,180 I was like, "What?" 432 00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:13,266 That's not a word you hear every day. I was like, "It had a lot of heft?" 433 00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:17,354 I haven't looked at trash bags the same since. 434 00:23:17,437 --> 00:23:19,606 I was like, "He had a hefty dick?" 435 00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:24,486 I don't like him having sex without me. 436 00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:28,490 It's actually making me into the idea of being a cuck. 437 00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:35,956 Look, look, look-look-look, look, look. 438 00:23:36,039 --> 00:23:37,332 You know what a cuck is? A cuck is where 439 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,167 you got to watch somebody you love 440 00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:41,795 get fucked by somebody else. Like, I kind of like that now. 441 00:23:41,878 --> 00:23:44,589 You know why? 'Cause, like, if my boyfriend 442 00:23:44,673 --> 00:23:48,718 is gonna have a fun sexual experience with someone who isn't me, 443 00:23:49,886 --> 00:23:52,013 I don't want to be written out of the memory. 444 00:23:53,473 --> 00:23:55,058 That's all. 445 00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:59,020 Like, if he's thinking about it later, I want to be able to be like, "No, no, no. 446 00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:01,022 "Remember I was jerking off in the corner. 447 00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:03,525 Don't forget about me." 448 00:24:10,907 --> 00:24:14,119 I'll tell you what's beautiful about relationships. 449 00:24:14,202 --> 00:24:17,247 A really, really beautiful thing that I didn't know I would need, 450 00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:18,832 this is really important to me. 451 00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:25,130 I love having someone who can talk to my mom for me. 452 00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:29,468 That's important. That's a cheat code. 453 00:24:29,551 --> 00:24:33,346 'Cause there comes a time in all of our lives 454 00:24:33,430 --> 00:24:37,350 when you realize your mom is insane. 455 00:24:39,769 --> 00:24:42,230 And she is. Your mom's crazy. 456 00:24:42,314 --> 00:24:44,357 The arc of your mom's life, 457 00:24:45,984 --> 00:24:49,237 she goes from responsible woman who made you sandwiches 458 00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:51,990 to really talkative lady with no boundaries. 459 00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:54,034 The type you pray doesn't sit beside you on a flight. 460 00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:57,579 Like, that's what your mom become. Your mom is crazy. 461 00:24:57,662 --> 00:24:59,122 I know some of you are looking at me right now 462 00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:02,501 like, "He's not talking about me. My mom's not crazy. My mom's cool." 463 00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:04,794 No, what that means is your mom's an alcoholic. 464 00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:08,215 That's not cool. That's a crazy, irresponsible lady. 465 00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:11,301 Your mom is crazy, that's why you got a family group chat. 466 00:25:11,384 --> 00:25:14,095 The family group chat is there so you and your siblings 467 00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:17,724 can take turns responding to the shit this crazy lady sends. 468 00:25:17,807 --> 00:25:20,977 Just pictures of strange kids you've never seen before, 469 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:22,562 or other people's Christmas lights. 470 00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:24,272 Your mom is fucking crazy. 471 00:25:26,316 --> 00:25:28,568 Your mom's either crazy, or she's dead 472 00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,112 and she used to be crazy, those are the only options. 473 00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:35,200 All moms go crazy. And whose fault is it? I don't know, probably your dad's. 474 00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:38,495 'Cause your dad got quiet. 475 00:25:40,163 --> 00:25:46,336 Your father has said fewer and fewer words every year he's been alive. 476 00:25:46,419 --> 00:25:49,089 My dad now sits quietly in the corner 477 00:25:49,172 --> 00:25:51,508 and only occasionally says some random shit like, 478 00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:53,176 "Hm, don't feel like a Sunday." 479 00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:56,388 And I'm like, "Excuse me, sir, what the fuck are you saying?" 480 00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:59,224 It is Sunday. 481 00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:02,519 Your dad got quiet and your mom went crazy. 482 00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:05,647 All moms go crazy 'cause all moms get radicalized. 483 00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:08,483 They don't know what to do with all that mom energy. 484 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,360 They get radicalized by something. 485 00:26:10,443 --> 00:26:13,113 And if you're lucky, your mom's into gardening all of a sudden. 486 00:26:13,196 --> 00:26:15,699 Congratulations, you got one of the good ones. 487 00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:18,410 But your mom's probably in QAnon now. 488 00:26:18,493 --> 00:26:21,746 Or if you're like me, your mom's really religious crazy. 489 00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:23,290 Yeah. 490 00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,166 Like, my mom loves Jesus now. 491 00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:27,669 Like, we grew up going to church, but it wasn't like this. 492 00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:30,088 Something changed with that lady. 493 00:26:30,171 --> 00:26:33,883 Like, my mom loves Jesus now. She loves him. 494 00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:35,719 She be wearing all of his merch. 495 00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:37,053 She... 496 00:26:37,137 --> 00:26:39,598 She be quoting this nigga's lyrics all the time. 497 00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:43,393 Jesus is her favorite rapper. She can't wait for Jesus to return. 498 00:26:43,476 --> 00:26:44,936 That's her shit. 499 00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:46,855 She can't wait for Jesus to come back. 500 00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:50,400 And I tell my mom all the time, "Look, I know celebrities. 501 00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:53,820 None of them hang out with they biggest fan." 502 00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:56,239 No, I gotta let her know. 503 00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:59,868 I tell her, "When Jesus come back, he ain't gon' fuck with you." 504 00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:03,246 Jesus is gonna be scared of my mom. 505 00:27:03,330 --> 00:27:06,333 Jesus is gonna treat my mom like the lady who killed Selena. 506 00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:08,960 He's gonna stay a thousand yards away. 507 00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:27,437 Sometimes 508 00:27:28,563 --> 00:27:31,399 I feel like I'm in a battle with God 509 00:27:32,692 --> 00:27:34,319 for my mom's soul. 510 00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:39,449 And I can't tell who's winning. 511 00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:42,535 Because I keep paying for shit, 512 00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:45,330 and she keeps thanking Jesus. 513 00:27:50,377 --> 00:27:51,628 And it's pissing me off. 514 00:27:52,504 --> 00:27:53,338 It really is. 515 00:27:53,421 --> 00:27:57,384 I'm in a really specific NBA player-type situation 516 00:27:57,467 --> 00:28:00,011 where I'm the breadwinner of my family. 517 00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:01,721 Like, they're all on my Instacart. 518 00:28:03,139 --> 00:28:05,225 I pay for everybody's groceries. 519 00:28:05,308 --> 00:28:07,227 And I'll be honest with you all, it's turning me 520 00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:09,938 into a Reagan-era Republican a little bit. 521 00:28:10,897 --> 00:28:13,066 A little bit. Like, I see how much money they spend on food. 522 00:28:13,149 --> 00:28:15,193 I'm like, can't I just send these niggas a block of cheese, 523 00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:17,487 and a bag of rice 524 00:28:17,570 --> 00:28:19,781 like it's the '80s? Like, they gotta eat meat? 525 00:28:25,036 --> 00:28:26,454 No, you don't understand. 526 00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:30,667 I got a TV show on the air, and all these niggas magically retired. 527 00:28:32,252 --> 00:28:35,505 And I don't get the respect I deserve, y'all. 528 00:28:35,588 --> 00:28:37,882 I don't. Like, I don't-- Really, like... 529 00:28:38,883 --> 00:28:42,095 I think my family should have a photo of me by the door. 530 00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:47,934 Like, I think they should pray in the direction of my apartment 531 00:28:48,017 --> 00:28:50,270 five times a day. I really believe that. 532 00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:54,858 I think they should start calling me the Honorable Jerrod Carmichael, 533 00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:56,568 like I'm Elijah Muhammad. 534 00:28:56,651 --> 00:29:00,739 I want praise, and I don't get praise, and that makes it hard for me. 535 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:02,824 Like, sometimes it's hard to be around them. 536 00:29:04,325 --> 00:29:07,412 You know, it's hard for me to, like, be around my family 537 00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:11,916 because, like, I can't really be myself around them, 538 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,002 because who I am offends them. 539 00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:18,298 And they refuse to go to therapy, 540 00:29:18,381 --> 00:29:21,009 so they don't really know who the fuck they are. 541 00:29:22,260 --> 00:29:25,513 Really, the problem is, I'm gay and these niggas don't read. 542 00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:33,104 And sometimes I'm around them for periods of time. 543 00:29:34,022 --> 00:29:37,442 I was just in North Carolina for a week. 544 00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:42,947 I go there for, like, a week is as long as my soul can take, 545 00:29:43,031 --> 00:29:45,200 and we end up playing Uno. 546 00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:49,454 You know, shit you do with people that you don't really know like that. 547 00:29:50,538 --> 00:29:52,332 If one of my real friends asked me to play Uno, 548 00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,917 I'd tell 'em to get the fuck out of my house. 549 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:56,127 But I'm doing that shit with my mom. 550 00:29:56,211 --> 00:29:58,838 Just trying to find ways to fill the time. 551 00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:00,632 And I got in on a Saturday night, 552 00:30:00,715 --> 00:30:06,054 and my mom asked me if I'd go to church with her Sunday morning, and I agreed. 553 00:30:06,137 --> 00:30:07,305 I said, yeah. 554 00:30:08,431 --> 00:30:09,766 And that was a mistake. Y'all know that. 555 00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:11,476 You can feel it, you know that. That's a mistake. 556 00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:13,353 Like, there are certain things I shouldn't do, 557 00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:15,897 and going to church is one of those things. 558 00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:18,107 Like, like, me and church is hard. 559 00:30:19,442 --> 00:30:21,861 Have you ever been the smartest person in a room? 560 00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:28,952 That's me in church. Like, have you ever looked around 561 00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:31,496 and just thought these really dark, condescending thoughts? 562 00:30:31,579 --> 00:30:33,289 I'm looking at all these church ladies 563 00:30:33,373 --> 00:30:35,124 and their bright colors and their big hats, 564 00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:40,213 and I'm like, "Aw, you poor, sweet, stupid motherfucker." 565 00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:44,843 'Cause once you know church is a pyramid scheme, 566 00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:46,678 it's hard to un-know that. 567 00:30:46,761 --> 00:30:49,514 I know that. My mom doesn't know that. 568 00:30:49,597 --> 00:30:51,266 So, I'm sitting in the pew beside her, 569 00:30:51,349 --> 00:30:54,310 and it was time for offering, which is their favorite time. 570 00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:57,939 And, like, they have to put their money in little envelopes. 571 00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:00,650 That's the thing in church, like, they have to hide 572 00:31:00,733 --> 00:31:01,734 their money from God. 573 00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:03,444 It's a little masquerade for Jesus. 574 00:31:03,528 --> 00:31:06,990 And the minister got up and he said something that's-- 575 00:31:07,073 --> 00:31:09,075 I thought this was crazy. 576 00:31:09,158 --> 00:31:12,036 The minister got up in the pulpit and he said, 577 00:31:13,955 --> 00:31:16,165 "Alright, get out your envelopes. 578 00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,793 'Cause God told me..." 579 00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:19,961 Uh-oh. 580 00:31:22,505 --> 00:31:24,883 It's already sounding real unverifiable, bro. 581 00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:26,426 Like, God told you? 582 00:31:27,844 --> 00:31:30,430 That's what he said. He said, "God told me 583 00:31:31,431 --> 00:31:33,808 the seed you sow today..." 584 00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:37,395 That's what he said, "The seed you sow. 585 00:31:37,478 --> 00:31:40,565 "God told me he's gonna multiply that 586 00:31:40,648 --> 00:31:44,861 at least ten times by Friday." 587 00:31:44,944 --> 00:31:47,488 He said that, "by Friday," and I'm sitting there 588 00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:49,407 trying to stifle a laugh, I'm like, really? 589 00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:52,201 Like God's really just whispering in the ear 590 00:31:52,285 --> 00:31:53,995 of some 80-year-old nigga in North Carolina, 591 00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:56,205 like God's just-- like God owns FanDuel. 592 00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:57,832 Like, "No, tell 'em I'ma flip it. 593 00:31:57,916 --> 00:31:59,792 "Tell 'em don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. 594 00:31:59,876 --> 00:32:01,461 "Whatever they give, I got 'em by Friday. 595 00:32:01,544 --> 00:32:04,005 Don't worry about it." And I think this is crazy. 596 00:32:04,088 --> 00:32:09,385 And then I look to my left. I watch my mom reach for her purse. 597 00:32:10,386 --> 00:32:12,847 She grabs 20 dollars 598 00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:14,140 of my money. 599 00:32:16,184 --> 00:32:19,103 I watch her put that money in an envelope, that envelope in a tray, 600 00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:20,647 the tray gets whisked away forever. 601 00:32:20,730 --> 00:32:22,649 And I'm sitting there like-- you ever look at your parents, 602 00:32:22,732 --> 00:32:24,984 just like, "Really?" 603 00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:26,861 Like a little bit, like-- 604 00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:30,281 like, "Your sperm, your egg. Like, me? How?" 605 00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:34,577 And I still gotta spend the rest of the week with these people. 606 00:32:34,661 --> 00:32:37,372 And the reason I go to North Carolina 607 00:32:37,455 --> 00:32:39,749 isn't really for my parents, it's because my brother 608 00:32:39,832 --> 00:32:42,794 has five kids that I love very, very much 609 00:32:42,877 --> 00:32:45,046 in a really specific order, if I'm being honest. 610 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,090 Like, it's not all equal. 611 00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:48,925 I do have a clear favorite. 612 00:32:50,885 --> 00:32:53,137 I'll tell you the ranks. Like, the runners-up... 613 00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:57,308 The runners-up are his oldest two who I think are really, really cool. 614 00:32:57,392 --> 00:33:01,104 And I want them to think that I'm cool, but I don't think they think I'm cool. 615 00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:05,608 And sometimes they post pictures of celebrities 616 00:33:05,692 --> 00:33:09,404 at events that I was also at, and it hurts my feelings. 617 00:33:09,487 --> 00:33:11,364 I'm like, "If you don't post your gay-ass uncle..." 618 00:33:11,447 --> 00:33:15,076 So, they're not my favorite. My favorite is my niece, Lourdon. 619 00:33:15,159 --> 00:33:17,161 I love Lourdon very, very much. 620 00:33:17,245 --> 00:33:19,330 She's eight years old, she's really smart, 621 00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:22,000 she's really funny, she's really charismatic. 622 00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:25,378 I love spending time with her. And I took her to a playground. 623 00:33:25,461 --> 00:33:27,213 We're running around at the park, 624 00:33:27,296 --> 00:33:29,632 getting on the swings and the merry-go-round, 625 00:33:29,716 --> 00:33:32,427 and Lourdon wanted me to go down a slide with her, 626 00:33:32,510 --> 00:33:35,304 and she took my hand and led me to the top of the slide, 627 00:33:35,388 --> 00:33:38,307 and we sat down, and she sat down beside me. 628 00:33:38,391 --> 00:33:40,476 Before we went down, Lourdon turned to me, 629 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:44,939 and she touched my head and she said, "Uncle Rod, 630 00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:49,402 I like your hair. It's soft." 631 00:33:50,653 --> 00:33:54,365 And I said, "I will take care of you financially 632 00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:55,950 for the rest of your life." 633 00:34:01,914 --> 00:34:05,043 And I mean it, I mean it. You know how I know? 634 00:34:05,126 --> 00:34:07,545 We were leaving the park, going back to the car, 635 00:34:07,628 --> 00:34:09,297 and we had to cross a busy street. 636 00:34:09,380 --> 00:34:12,507 And Lourdon almost ran out into the street when a bus was coming. 637 00:34:12,592 --> 00:34:15,928 And I realized at that moment, if need be, 638 00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:20,475 I would have pushed Lourdon out of the way and I would have gotten hit by the bus, 639 00:34:20,558 --> 00:34:22,685 because I love her that much. 640 00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:26,355 And I would have done that, 641 00:34:26,438 --> 00:34:29,734 even though that makes horrible financial sense for my family. 642 00:34:32,945 --> 00:34:34,697 I'm gonna be real with y'all, you might as well put 643 00:34:34,781 --> 00:34:36,824 my whole family in front of that bus, like... 644 00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:39,786 I'm not trying to place a value on lives, 645 00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:42,205 'cause she's eight and her potential is boundless. 646 00:34:42,288 --> 00:34:44,916 But I'm a one-in-a-million tal-- like, it's... 647 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:48,460 It's highly unlikely that this happens twice in a family. 648 00:34:48,543 --> 00:34:50,713 Like, I want her to live, 649 00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:53,091 but have you ever been to a child's funeral? 650 00:34:54,801 --> 00:34:56,594 It's not as sad as you think. 651 00:34:57,678 --> 00:35:00,181 No, it's mostly people speaking in hypotheticals. 652 00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:02,517 Like, "Oh, she could have been president someday." 653 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,353 And you gotta be like, "Yeah, sure, for just fucking saying shit." 654 00:35:10,149 --> 00:35:12,610 I'm saying, as long as I'm alive, we grieve in Hawaii. 655 00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:16,697 Regardless, she's alive. We're all alive. 656 00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:20,785 And we had such a great week together. Had such a great week with Lourdon. 657 00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:23,621 It made me realize how petty I was being. 658 00:35:23,704 --> 00:35:26,332 Like, that I was being silly, wanting so much praise 659 00:35:26,415 --> 00:35:28,292 from my family, you know? 660 00:35:29,669 --> 00:35:33,548 Like, it was really, I just dropped all my defenses 661 00:35:33,631 --> 00:35:36,509 and I don't know, it just hit me 662 00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:41,180 that I get to take care of my family, and that's a good thing. 663 00:35:41,264 --> 00:35:44,433 And I had this idea that before I went back to New York 664 00:35:44,517 --> 00:35:48,938 to go be gay, I was, I stopped by an ATM 665 00:35:49,021 --> 00:35:51,941 and I withdrew a couple thousand dollars, 666 00:35:52,024 --> 00:35:54,652 and I was gonna hide it in my mom's sock drawer. 667 00:35:54,735 --> 00:35:56,529 I just accepted my role as the Easter Bunny. 668 00:35:56,612 --> 00:35:58,489 I was like, I'm gonna hide it, and she's-- 669 00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:01,450 and I started imagining her face when she saw the money, 670 00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:04,453 I was like, she's gonna be so excited when she sees this. 671 00:36:04,537 --> 00:36:08,749 And as I was placing the money in my mom's sock drawer, 672 00:36:09,750 --> 00:36:10,918 it hit me. 673 00:36:12,253 --> 00:36:16,257 And all I heard was the minister's voice 674 00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:22,805 saying, "The seed you sow today." 675 00:36:22,889 --> 00:36:25,850 And I realized God is winning. He's really winning. 676 00:36:32,356 --> 00:36:37,945 Being home in North Carolina-- still call it home. Crazy, right? 677 00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:42,408 It's kind of hard for me because 678 00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:48,164 my parents live in the house that I grew up in. 679 00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:50,875 And I'm there. 680 00:36:53,794 --> 00:36:55,922 I just-- it hit-- it's like a time capsule. 681 00:36:56,005 --> 00:37:02,220 Like, it reminded me of how hard I tried to be straight. 682 00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:05,223 I was just like a little kid, like, just like trying 683 00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:07,725 really, really hard to be straight. 684 00:37:07,808 --> 00:37:09,227 Just a little teenager. 685 00:37:09,852 --> 00:37:12,605 Looked at my childhood closet, at all the Rocawear. 686 00:37:15,191 --> 00:37:19,654 Girbaud and some Sean John. You know, just trying to be cool. 687 00:37:20,821 --> 00:37:24,033 See my parents' living room, looking at, like, the spot 688 00:37:24,116 --> 00:37:26,452 where the computer used to be. 689 00:37:27,536 --> 00:37:30,915 I remember it, like, when I was in middle school 690 00:37:30,998 --> 00:37:34,877 and I'd come home before my parents got off of work 691 00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:38,214 and I had like 15, 20 minutes to myself, 692 00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:41,884 I would take my mom's Bible she kept in her room, 693 00:37:41,968 --> 00:37:44,720 and I would hide it in a little drawer. 694 00:37:44,804 --> 00:37:47,932 And then, she had a Footprint in the Sand poster. 695 00:37:48,015 --> 00:37:50,935 And I'd take that and I'd turn it over 696 00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:52,937 so Jesus couldn't see. 697 00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:56,607 And then I would go to BiLatinMen.com 698 00:38:01,153 --> 00:38:03,948 and jerk off, but this is how hard I was trying to be straight. 699 00:38:04,031 --> 00:38:08,452 Then, I would take the Bible out of the drawer, 700 00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:12,456 and I'd turn the poster back over so Jesus could watch, 701 00:38:12,540 --> 00:38:16,585 and I would force myself to jerk off to straight porn, 702 00:38:16,669 --> 00:38:20,172 because I know God loves pussy. 703 00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:23,259 I was like, "You proud of your boy? Huh? 704 00:38:23,342 --> 00:38:27,221 Look at me, God. Cumming to girls." 705 00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:31,684 I tried so hard to be straight. It was challenging. 706 00:38:31,767 --> 00:38:37,231 The biggest challenge occurred in January of the year 2000, 707 00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,442 and that was when D'Angelo 708 00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:46,657 released the music video for Untitled (How Does it Feel). 709 00:38:46,741 --> 00:38:48,200 -Yeah! -That was a big moment. 710 00:38:48,284 --> 00:38:50,161 Like, if some of you don't know what I'm talking about, 711 00:38:50,244 --> 00:38:53,414 don't worry, I take great pleasure in explaining why this was important. 712 00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:56,584 D'Angelo's a neo soul artist from Virginia 713 00:38:56,667 --> 00:39:00,338 who in the year 2000 was the hottest man on Earth. 714 00:39:00,421 --> 00:39:01,797 -Yeah. -Like, D'Angelo-- 715 00:39:01,881 --> 00:39:03,632 D'Angelo was so hot, it actually ruined his life. 716 00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:06,385 Like, D'Angelo was so hot, 717 00:39:06,469 --> 00:39:08,429 you'd forget he's 5'7". 718 00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:12,391 That's how hot he was, he transcended height. 719 00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:16,187 And he made a music video that was all about his body. 720 00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:18,939 It was all about his body, and his body was so perfect. 721 00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:22,985 It's so well sculpted. I've seen Michelangelo's David in person. 722 00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:25,404 It's whatever. 723 00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:29,867 Save yourself a trip to Florence. Just watch this video. 724 00:39:29,950 --> 00:39:33,204 Like, the video takes place in a black void. 725 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:36,040 Nothing else matters. 726 00:39:36,123 --> 00:39:38,876 And the camera moves slowly in one take 727 00:39:38,959 --> 00:39:41,796 over D'Angelo's body, and it starts on his hair. 728 00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:49,428 He had these perfectly braided cornrows. 729 00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:53,891 You could tell a Black girl somewhere really cared about him. 730 00:39:53,974 --> 00:39:58,604 Camera moved down over his face. Beautiful face, beautiful eyes. 731 00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:00,064 His goatee. 732 00:40:00,147 --> 00:40:03,984 Just, goatee surrounding these beautiful full lips. 733 00:40:04,068 --> 00:40:05,111 Yeah. 734 00:40:06,862 --> 00:40:10,282 And the whole time, he's, like, smiling and singing, 735 00:40:10,366 --> 00:40:12,743 and smiling and singing, and he had a little gap. 736 00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:14,412 And he had a couple crooked teeth on the bottom, 737 00:40:14,495 --> 00:40:16,455 but, like, it was hot, though. 738 00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:19,166 Like, he was too masculine for a dentist. It was, like, kinda hot. 739 00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,628 And the camera moved down some more over his neck, 740 00:40:22,711 --> 00:40:24,422 he was beginning to sweat. 741 00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:28,426 And I remember his neck had a vein bulging and a tattoo right here. 742 00:40:28,509 --> 00:40:32,096 And it moved down over his chest. I remember his chest, it was so sweaty. 743 00:40:32,179 --> 00:40:33,764 -Yeah! -I remember all the sweat, 744 00:40:33,848 --> 00:40:37,309 sweating just over his-- he had these beautiful pillowy pecs, 745 00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:41,355 these cute chocolate chip nipples, and he was sweating over his arms. 746 00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:45,234 And I remember his arms looked like yams. It was like sweat all over his arms. 747 00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:48,070 And the sweat had mixed with D'Angelo's deodorant. 748 00:40:48,154 --> 00:40:50,990 So, there was one white, frothy bead of sweat 749 00:40:51,073 --> 00:40:53,617 that was dripping down over his abs. 750 00:40:53,701 --> 00:40:55,286 Like, more than a six, more than an eight. 751 00:40:55,369 --> 00:40:58,122 Like, they were just, like, contrasting when he sung. 752 00:40:58,205 --> 00:41:00,416 They looked like a tray of cookies. They were so beautiful. 753 00:41:00,499 --> 00:41:05,671 And he had this happy trail that went in between the V. 754 00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:09,967 You gotta understand, this is the year 2000. 755 00:41:11,427 --> 00:41:13,804 None of us had ever seen the V before. 756 00:41:13,888 --> 00:41:15,848 D'Angelo was the first man with the V. 757 00:41:15,931 --> 00:41:18,809 And the V is a muscle you can't get by working out. 758 00:41:18,893 --> 00:41:20,519 You can only get that shit by fucking. 759 00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:23,147 You gotta earn that shit. And D'Angelo had, like, 760 00:41:23,230 --> 00:41:24,815 these beautiful cum gutters. 761 00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:26,901 And the whole video... 762 00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:29,862 He wasn't even standing still. 763 00:41:29,945 --> 00:41:31,739 He was just glistening in the light 764 00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:34,158 and slowly rotating like a rotisserie chicken, 765 00:41:34,241 --> 00:41:35,868 just kinda going from side to side. 766 00:41:40,372 --> 00:41:42,750 When the video went off, like... 767 00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:45,836 You gotta understand, we used to watch BET together as a family. 768 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:47,880 So, I'm sitting there with basically everybody 769 00:41:47,963 --> 00:41:51,050 I know in my life, and it's one of those pieces of art 770 00:41:51,133 --> 00:41:52,718 that demands a response. 771 00:41:52,801 --> 00:41:55,012 Like, everyone in the room had to say something. 772 00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:57,515 And I'm a little closeted boy, I don't know how to respond. 773 00:41:57,598 --> 00:41:59,099 I don't know what to say. 774 00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:00,976 Like, I want to respond like the girls in the room. 775 00:42:02,269 --> 00:42:05,189 I wanted to go up and slowly touch the TV screen 776 00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:09,568 like it was a prison visit. Just like a slow, like... 777 00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:17,076 But I couldn't. I had to be strong. I had to be a man. 778 00:42:18,452 --> 00:42:21,163 So, I ended up repeating some dumb, masculine shit 779 00:42:21,247 --> 00:42:23,958 I heard my big brother say, like, "Oh, the song was cool, 780 00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:26,585 but we ain't need all that," you know. 781 00:42:26,669 --> 00:42:28,462 Shit that I didn't mean. I didn't mean that. 782 00:42:31,048 --> 00:42:33,217 I was trying 'cause I was raised straight. 783 00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:38,264 And when you're raised straight, you know there's only one rule. 784 00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,934 Don't be gay. 785 00:42:42,017 --> 00:42:44,144 I broke the only rule, y'all, like I, like-- 786 00:42:44,228 --> 00:42:46,188 just the only rule, don't be gay. 787 00:42:46,272 --> 00:42:49,733 And I tried so hard. I lied to myself for so long 788 00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:51,944 about my sexuality and who I was. 789 00:42:52,027 --> 00:42:57,324 Like, there was this weird period of time in like, 2013, 2014, maybe. 790 00:42:57,408 --> 00:43:00,911 I got a TV show on the air, 791 00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:04,582 The Carmichael Show, and you know, I'm like, straight in it, wearing Jordans, 792 00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:06,375 trying to throw people off the trail. 793 00:43:06,458 --> 00:43:11,338 And I'm as public as I've ever been. I'm very, very public at this time. 794 00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:14,466 And at the same time, Grindr had just came out, 795 00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:16,802 so I was hooking up with guys. 796 00:43:16,885 --> 00:43:20,889 And it was crazy 'cause I had a really public life 797 00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:22,641 and a really private life, 798 00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:25,436 and I was trying to keep those two worlds apart. 799 00:43:25,519 --> 00:43:27,354 And it made me scared. 800 00:43:28,272 --> 00:43:31,317 And because I was scared, I used to do something really immoral. 801 00:43:32,276 --> 00:43:35,988 During that time, I used to catfish people. 802 00:43:36,071 --> 00:43:37,531 I know, I'm ashamed to say that. 803 00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:39,992 Like, you should never send a picture of someone else. 804 00:43:40,075 --> 00:43:42,453 Like, I justified it because, like, 805 00:43:42,536 --> 00:43:44,496 the sinner changes the world to justify the sin. 806 00:43:44,580 --> 00:43:51,337 Like, I know it's wrong, but I thought that I objectively looked better 807 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:53,255 than the nigga whose pictures I sent. 808 00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:56,133 So, I thought people were in for a pleasant surprise. 809 00:43:56,216 --> 00:43:58,427 Like, I thought people would show up, be mad at first, 810 00:43:58,510 --> 00:44:00,512 and then be like, "Alright, you got me." 811 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:07,603 But I remember one night, when I was visiting New York, 812 00:44:07,686 --> 00:44:10,648 I used to stay at this hotel, The Bowery, 813 00:44:10,731 --> 00:44:12,608 in the Lower East Side. 814 00:44:12,691 --> 00:44:15,694 And I stayed there for really shady reasons. 815 00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:18,197 It wasn't 'cause the room service was good. 816 00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,074 I stayed there 'cause you didn't need a key card 817 00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:22,368 to ride the elevator. 818 00:44:22,451 --> 00:44:24,703 That's so shady, I know, but, like, if I had a hook up 819 00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:27,539 coming over late night, I didn't wanna have to out myself 820 00:44:27,623 --> 00:44:30,250 by calling down to the front desk, making up some lie. 821 00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:32,503 "My business associate is coming, 822 00:44:32,586 --> 00:44:34,880 if you could send him up?" Like, I didn't wanna do that. 823 00:44:34,963 --> 00:44:36,965 So, I'm at The Bowery. 824 00:44:37,049 --> 00:44:39,551 It's late Saturday night, early Sunday morning. 825 00:44:39,635 --> 00:44:43,180 I'm scrolling on Grindr, I'm watching Saturday Night Live, 826 00:44:43,263 --> 00:44:45,516 and I'm, like, just trying to find somebody to come over 827 00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:48,143 and messaging mostly white guys, 828 00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:50,771 'cause I felt like white guys wouldn't know me or my work, 829 00:44:50,854 --> 00:44:53,023 so they wouldn't know who I was, so I was safe there. 830 00:44:53,107 --> 00:44:55,734 And there was this one white dude that was nearby. 831 00:44:55,818 --> 00:44:58,529 He was leaving a club. His name's Liam. 832 00:44:58,612 --> 00:45:03,158 And we're messaging, you know, just classic Grindr shit. 833 00:45:03,242 --> 00:45:05,828 "What are you into? I'm staying at The Bowery. 834 00:45:05,911 --> 00:45:08,080 Bet. Come over." That type of shit. 835 00:45:08,163 --> 00:45:11,250 And Liam's coming over to suck my dick. 836 00:45:12,876 --> 00:45:14,420 I'm sorry to put that so explicitly. 837 00:45:14,503 --> 00:45:16,046 The only reason I said it like that was because 838 00:45:16,130 --> 00:45:18,590 that is the one silver lining to being gay, 839 00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:22,720 is that you get to be totally honest about why someone's coming over. 840 00:45:25,013 --> 00:45:26,682 Unlike you straight men and your lies. 841 00:45:26,765 --> 00:45:29,226 Like, straight men have to send messages like, 842 00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:31,103 "You wanna get some ice cream," 843 00:45:31,186 --> 00:45:34,022 or, "There's a comedy show that might be cool," 844 00:45:34,106 --> 00:45:35,649 when really, you wanna get your dick sucked. 845 00:45:35,733 --> 00:45:36,859 But you can't say that. 846 00:45:36,942 --> 00:45:41,321 So, Liam's coming over to suck my dick, and I gotta put on my DL uniform. 847 00:45:41,405 --> 00:45:43,574 So, I put on some basketball shorts and a wife beater 848 00:45:43,657 --> 00:45:45,325 and tie my durag up. 849 00:45:45,409 --> 00:45:49,204 And I changed the channel from SNL to ESPN, 850 00:45:49,288 --> 00:45:52,082 'cause I like to get blown, to, like, Around the Horn 851 00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:54,168 or PTI. 852 00:45:54,251 --> 00:45:55,961 There's a knock at the door, I open it. 853 00:45:56,044 --> 00:46:00,174 Liam's standing there, white guy, about 5'9" with a low haircut. 854 00:46:00,257 --> 00:46:05,012 He's wearing a white flight jacket with the orange lining, and he's vaping. 855 00:46:05,095 --> 00:46:10,309 And he blew a cloud of smoke in the air, and when it cleared, Liam asked me 856 00:46:10,392 --> 00:46:13,687 the scariest question you could ask a closeted man. 857 00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,397 Liam asked, 858 00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:18,233 "Don't I know you?" 859 00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:21,612 And my heart dropped, 860 00:46:21,695 --> 00:46:25,741 and I thought the only reasonable thing I could think in that moment. 861 00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:29,036 "Am I gonna have to murder this white boy?" 862 00:46:29,119 --> 00:46:30,579 I had stayed there enough. 863 00:46:30,662 --> 00:46:33,373 I knew the trash schedule, so I thought maybe I could get away with it. 864 00:46:33,457 --> 00:46:37,961 But I still went through with the blowjob. That's what's crazy about being a man. 865 00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:41,256 Horniness prevails even in a high-stakes situation. 866 00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:43,926 Like, there are men getting their dick sucked at war right now. 867 00:46:44,009 --> 00:46:45,302 Like, I went through with the blowjob, 868 00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:48,180 but it was the most suspicious blowjob of my life. 869 00:46:48,263 --> 00:46:50,182 The whole time, Liam's just, like, on his knees, 870 00:46:50,265 --> 00:46:53,811 just like, looking up, just trying to figure out who I was. 871 00:46:53,894 --> 00:46:55,771 Switching eyes, 872 00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:58,857 just going back and forth. And I'm trying to enjoy it, 873 00:46:58,941 --> 00:47:02,653 but also, like, contorting my face to look like someone else, just... 874 00:47:03,779 --> 00:47:05,322 Doing this shit. 875 00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:09,660 Nervous. It was a nerve-wracking blowjob. 876 00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:16,208 Anyway, Liam finishes up, he gets up. 877 00:47:18,919 --> 00:47:22,172 Puts his flight jacket back on, headed toward the door, 878 00:47:22,256 --> 00:47:24,800 and I thought I got away with it, 879 00:47:24,883 --> 00:47:28,136 until right before he left, he turned to me and he said-- 880 00:47:28,220 --> 00:47:30,222 I'll never forget how Liam said this. 881 00:47:30,305 --> 00:47:33,350 He said, "I figured it out." 882 00:47:33,433 --> 00:47:35,936 I was like, fuck! 883 00:47:36,019 --> 00:47:38,939 Liam said, "You're Michael Che." 884 00:47:39,022 --> 00:47:41,942 And I said, "Yes. Yes. 885 00:47:42,025 --> 00:47:45,195 That's exactly who I am. Live from New York, baby." 886 00:47:50,993 --> 00:47:52,327 I'm glad to be over that. 887 00:47:53,370 --> 00:47:55,956 You know, being closeted, it was very stressful. 888 00:47:57,249 --> 00:48:00,502 I'm happy I'm out. I feel a lot of pride about that. 889 00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:04,172 And I will say to you, if anyone's in the closet about anything, 890 00:48:04,256 --> 00:48:05,841 I really think you should come out 891 00:48:05,924 --> 00:48:08,969 'cause it's really important, and you'll feel better. 892 00:48:09,052 --> 00:48:12,014 And I think the world will be a better place. 893 00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:16,226 I actually have this theory that hood violence will decrease 894 00:48:18,312 --> 00:48:20,480 by 15% if niggas are allowed to be gay. 895 00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:23,400 That's my theory, haven't run the numbers on that yet. 896 00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:27,154 And the only thing that I'm kind of afraid of still 897 00:48:27,237 --> 00:48:29,031 is PDA. 898 00:48:30,032 --> 00:48:32,242 Like I'm kinda terrified of 899 00:48:33,243 --> 00:48:35,704 something about being public. 900 00:48:36,788 --> 00:48:41,001 You know, like kissing my boyfriend, holding his hand in public. 901 00:48:41,084 --> 00:48:42,502 It makes me a little nervous. 902 00:48:42,586 --> 00:48:44,546 I feel like I'm painting a target on my back. 903 00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:47,424 I get really scared, and I'm trying to get over that. 904 00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:51,011 And last summer, my boyfriend and I went to Paris 905 00:48:51,094 --> 00:48:52,638 and we went to dinner, 906 00:48:52,721 --> 00:48:57,017 and we're having a really good time just laughing and drinking saké. 907 00:48:57,100 --> 00:49:02,230 And we left the restaurant and we decided to walk back to the hotel. 908 00:49:02,314 --> 00:49:05,525 And on the sidewalk, my boyfriend reached out his hand. 909 00:49:06,526 --> 00:49:09,404 And in that moment, I was like, you know, 910 00:49:11,073 --> 00:49:15,160 "Let it go, Jerrod. It's okay. It is okay. 911 00:49:15,243 --> 00:49:17,204 You're gay, be proud of it." 912 00:49:17,287 --> 00:49:19,831 I'm in love. I, like, I want to show it. 913 00:49:19,915 --> 00:49:22,960 I don't want to be scared and closeted anymore. 914 00:49:23,043 --> 00:49:25,462 I want to show it. And I remember reaching out 915 00:49:25,545 --> 00:49:29,091 and clasping my boyfriend's hand and kissing him, 916 00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:32,260 and feeling really good about that. 917 00:49:34,763 --> 00:49:36,139 Until, 918 00:49:37,683 --> 00:49:42,145 there was this old white Nissan that started creeping up beside us. 919 00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,773 And I'm from the hood, I don't like when a vehicle creeps. 920 00:49:45,524 --> 00:49:46,858 Any vehicle. 921 00:49:47,401 --> 00:49:50,779 I was standing on a pier the other day, and a yacht slowed down in front of me, 922 00:49:50,862 --> 00:49:52,447 and I was like, "Oh, they about to start shooting." 923 00:49:52,531 --> 00:49:55,075 I don't like any creeps. So, I'm trying to ignore it. 924 00:49:55,158 --> 00:49:57,285 And I'm walking and I'm holding my boyfriend's hand, 925 00:49:57,369 --> 00:49:59,663 trying to feel proud, and then one of the guys-- 926 00:49:59,746 --> 00:50:01,957 it was like five or six Parisian dudes in the car-- 927 00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,126 like, one of the guys yelled something in French. 928 00:50:04,209 --> 00:50:06,503 I tried to ignore that. Just keep walking. 929 00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:11,591 And then, one of the guys threw a cup of what I believe to be water, 930 00:50:11,675 --> 00:50:14,011 from the car window, and it splashed all over us, 931 00:50:14,094 --> 00:50:16,138 and the car sped off, and I'm pissed. 932 00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:20,475 Like, my initial reaction was to just chase the car down 933 00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:22,310 and fight 'em. And I can't really fight, 934 00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:24,271 but I know I could beat up anybody in Paris. 935 00:50:25,939 --> 00:50:29,067 But I'm mad and my ego's hurt, and I can tell my ego is hurt 936 00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:30,569 because I'm thinking about money. 937 00:50:30,652 --> 00:50:34,740 I'm just like, "You broke motherfuckers. I'll buy ten of your cars!" 938 00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:37,159 Then, I start yelling crazy shit like, 939 00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:39,911 "I'll buy your dad and fuck him," just crazy shit. 940 00:50:42,247 --> 00:50:43,957 And I'm mad, and I dropped my boyfriend's hand. 941 00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:45,709 I'm just muttering to myself like Joe Pesci, 942 00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:47,836 like, "These motherfuckers. Somebody's gonna fucking pay. 943 00:50:47,919 --> 00:50:49,880 Somebody's gonna pay." I remember saying that over and over, 944 00:50:49,963 --> 00:50:51,339 "Somebody's gonna fucking pay for this." 945 00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:55,260 We got back to the hotel room, and I sat on the edge of the bed, 946 00:50:55,343 --> 00:50:57,304 and in that moment, I... 947 00:50:58,555 --> 00:50:59,681 I cried. 948 00:51:03,977 --> 00:51:06,480 It was harder than I've ever cried before in my life. 949 00:51:10,984 --> 00:51:14,696 It hit me how unfair it was. 950 00:51:16,156 --> 00:51:18,158 How fucked up it was. 951 00:51:18,241 --> 00:51:21,828 That I'm proud and I'm in love, and they throw water on us, 952 00:51:21,912 --> 00:51:23,622 and it's so unfair. 953 00:51:23,705 --> 00:51:25,874 And Michael comes and he sits beside me. 954 00:51:25,957 --> 00:51:27,459 He starts rubbing my back, and I'm just like, 955 00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:30,045 "This is so fucked up. It's just so unfair." 956 00:51:30,128 --> 00:51:33,256 Michael's like, "Jerrod." I'm like, "It's just so unfair." 957 00:51:33,340 --> 00:51:34,925 I'm like, "This is so fucked up." 958 00:51:35,008 --> 00:51:36,176 And Michael's like, "I know." 959 00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:37,969 And I'm like, "Why would they do this?" 960 00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:42,057 Michael said, "Look, I heard what those guys said. 961 00:51:42,140 --> 00:51:47,020 "And while I don't speak a lot of French, I do know a little. 962 00:51:48,021 --> 00:51:50,649 "And I don't know how to say this, but 963 00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:58,115 I don't think they threw water on us because we're gay." 964 00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:01,493 And I stopped crying. I looked up. 965 00:52:01,576 --> 00:52:04,996 I was like, "They didn't?" He said, "Yeah. 966 00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:08,959 "I think they threw water on you 967 00:52:09,042 --> 00:52:12,087 because you're Black." And I was like, "Oh." 968 00:52:15,340 --> 00:52:18,677 I get so caught up in homophobia, I forget about racism.