1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:08,875 -The first time I saw Joan, I'm positive, 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,410 was on the Johnny Carson show. 5 00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:13,847 -Would you welcome Miss Joan Rivers? 6 00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:15,548 -When I was born, my mother looked at me, 7 00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:18,651 looked at the afterbirth and screamed, "Twins!" 8 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:21,488 -Her style of humor was just extraordinary. 9 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,023 -Can we talk? 10 00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:24,991 It looks like I've been machine-gunned by a Smurf. 11 00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:26,993 -She could get away with anything. 12 00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:28,361 -All I ever heard growing up is, 13 00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:30,163 "Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila? 14 00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:31,498 Why can't you be like your cousin Sheila?" 15 00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:33,633 Sheila had died at birth. And I just -- 16 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:36,336 [ Laughter ] 17 00:00:36,469 --> 00:00:38,038 Let me tell you, I don't give a... 18 00:00:38,104 --> 00:00:40,206 if you're white or black or yellow or green, 19 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,308 as long as you can do my hair. 20 00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,577 -She would come out here and sit in this chair 21 00:00:44,644 --> 00:00:48,715 and say some things that were unbelievable. 22 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,216 -Joan Rivers here. 23 00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:51,951 And don't feel bad if you recognize the name, 24 00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:53,453 but not the face. 25 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,522 I just got this one two weeks ago. 26 00:00:55,622 --> 00:01:00,026 Why are you wearing Betty White's [bleep] on your head? 27 00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:01,294 She looks like John Travolta 28 00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:02,996 when Kelly Preston is away working. 29 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:06,533 I mean... -Oh! 30 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,401 -Underneath it, 31 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:13,006 you know that hardcore bitch has a soft, chewy center. 32 00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:16,643 -Talk about guts. A real pioneer for other women. 33 00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:20,747 -She's a beacon of success and determination. 34 00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:24,951 -Joan Rivers to comedy was Don Rickles to comedy. 35 00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,219 Period. 36 00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:28,988 -What Joan means to me is freedom. 37 00:01:29,055 --> 00:01:31,691 Freedom for women to say whatever they want. 38 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,894 -She was a hero of mine. 39 00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,363 I just remember thinking, like, "Wow, 40 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,164 she really doesn't care at all." 41 00:01:38,231 --> 00:01:40,367 -Describe Joan in one word. 42 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:44,437 Well, I can't do that because there's not one word 43 00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:47,474 that encompasses funny, brave, and pioneer. 44 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:49,609 -We became friends, and I love her. 45 00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:52,145 And I miss her. And I will see her again. 46 00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:56,750 -* Hallelujah * 47 00:01:56,816 --> 00:02:06,159 * Hallelujah * 48 00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:10,397 -* Your faith was strong, but you needed proof * 49 00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,298 -Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Stop singing. [ Record scratches ] 50 00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:15,168 Stop playing the piano. Just stop it! 51 00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,404 This is not how we are honoring Joan Rivers. 52 00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,539 Y'all not even dressed right. 53 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:23,276 She would be offended right now seeing this. 54 00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,011 And what y'all doing with all these candles? 55 00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:26,179 Y'all brought that from home? 56 00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:28,081 What is it, Hanukkah already? 57 00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:29,749 No, it's not. Turn your candles off. 58 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,518 This is ridiculous. 59 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:33,153 This is not how we gonna celebrate her. 60 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:35,288 First of all, we're going to laugh. 61 00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:37,490 Okay? We got an amazing show. 62 00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:41,861 We got Rachel Brosnahan, Nikki Glaser, Patton Oswalt. 63 00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:44,731 Chelsea Handler is here. 64 00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,800 This isn't a funeral, guys. 65 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,169 It's a celebration, all right? 66 00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:53,773 So, uh, Doogie Howser, go ahead and play my music. 67 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,642 Oh, you don't know? Okay. 68 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,811 Somebody play my music. 69 00:02:57,877 --> 00:03:00,914 * Hava nagila * 70 00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:04,017 * Hava nagila * 71 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:07,620 * Hava nagila, hey * 72 00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,823 * Venismecha * 73 00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:12,826 * Hava nagila * 74 00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:15,161 * Hava nagila * 75 00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:18,031 * Hava nagila, hey * 76 00:03:18,164 --> 00:03:19,466 * Venismecha * 77 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:22,335 All right, y'all follow me, okay? 78 00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:23,336 -* Just Blaze * 79 00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:25,338 -* Hava neranena * 80 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,440 * Hava neranena * 81 00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:30,110 * Hava neranena, hey * 82 00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:31,511 * Venismecha * 83 00:03:31,578 --> 00:03:35,315 * Let's party for Joan for life * 84 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,784 * They call me Tiffany and I'm here tonight * 85 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,086 * To tell y'all about a girl from Prospect Heights * 86 00:03:40,186 --> 00:03:41,888 * This queen did a thing on the microphone * 87 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,957 * To split your side like a kidney stone * 88 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,726 * She had jokes for this, she had jokes about that * 89 00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,628 * About the young, old, skinny, and fat * 90 00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:50,697 * Celebrities and their stupid clothes * 91 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:52,966 * And all the surgeries on their nose * 92 00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:55,368 * So everybody here at the Apollo * 93 00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:57,470 * We got some funny people that you can't follow * 94 00:03:57,537 --> 00:03:59,539 * The jokes are wrong, but they feel so right * 95 00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:02,676 Are y'all ready to laugh for Joan Rivers tonight? 96 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,210 [ Cheers and applause ] 97 00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:08,248 Mazel tov. Mazel tov and l'chaim. 98 00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:10,383 Now come on, we're going to talk about your outfits. 99 00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:12,285 Come on. 100 00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,054 Doogie, meet me in the back. 101 00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:19,526 [ Applause ] 102 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:23,129 -Please welcome Patton Oswalt. 103 00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:28,068 -Thank you. Thank you, sir. Oh, my goodness. 104 00:04:28,134 --> 00:04:32,972 Good evening. Thank you for -- Yes, it's me, Patton Oswalt. 105 00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:34,941 That's right. 106 00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:37,477 Who else were they going to get on a night to honor 107 00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:41,414 Joan Rivers, feminist trailblazer, Jewish icon, 108 00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:46,386 fashion's acid-tongued demon princess? 109 00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:50,657 The reason I'm here is that while Joan Rivers was so good 110 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:54,527 at so many things, I always think of her as 111 00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:56,396 a once-in-a-lifetime stand-up comedian, 112 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:58,098 you know, and she was funny. 113 00:04:58,164 --> 00:05:01,701 But more than that, she was prolific. 114 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:08,141 Over her career, she wrote 70,000 jokes. 115 00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:11,678 70,000 jokes. 116 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,947 That's an unreal level of output. 117 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:18,418 Even if you account for how much better cocaine was in the '80s. 118 00:05:18,518 --> 00:05:22,422 I did three rails backstage. I'm getting nothing right now. 119 00:05:22,522 --> 00:05:26,026 Joan's jokes were pure. 120 00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:27,727 They were set up, punchline. 121 00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:31,031 No meandering stories. All meat, no filler. 122 00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:35,468 And we know that because Joan saved all 70,000 of her jokes 123 00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:36,803 in a big filing cabinet. 124 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,239 She was organized too, which is weird. 125 00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:40,974 Comedians are never organized. 126 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:44,144 My jokes are written on Burger King wrappers 127 00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:45,578 and colonoscopy receipts. 128 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,515 Like, I am not organized in any way. 129 00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:50,517 But even though Joan is gone, 130 00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:55,121 we still have the filing cabinet full of jokes. 131 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,790 That is a piece of American history. 132 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,092 With 70,000 jokes, you can really tell 133 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,194 how Joan saw the world. 134 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,696 And what a world she lived through. 135 00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:05,331 She lived through the space race. 136 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,534 That's why she has 22 jokes about astronauts. 137 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,636 She also lived through disco, 138 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:15,508 which is why there are 140 jokes about Cher. 139 00:06:15,608 --> 00:06:17,477 "Cher -- Cher is so thin, 140 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,012 she broke into show business 141 00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:21,448 with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as a baton." 142 00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:23,817 [ Laughter ] 143 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:29,723 It's not all A-plus, but listen, 70,000, okay? 144 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:32,659 In her 70,000 joke archive, 145 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,462 there are four jokes about Hitler, 146 00:06:35,528 --> 00:06:38,798 there are 34 jokes about Richard Nixon, 147 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:42,635 and 866 jokes about Elizabeth Taylor. 148 00:06:42,702 --> 00:06:45,305 So there you go, folks. 149 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:50,243 History's greatest monster, Elizabeth Taylor. 150 00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:51,945 She wrote so many jokes, 151 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:55,415 you can actually chart the course of world history. 152 00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:57,484 "Joan of Arc wasn't a tramp? Her last words were, 153 00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,419 'Hi, soldier, got a match?'" 154 00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:01,688 [ Laughter ] 155 00:07:01,821 --> 00:07:04,024 She -- 156 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,760 Too soon? All right. 157 00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:08,995 She had jokes about George Washington. 158 00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,531 "You don't hear about George Washington's nutty sister, 159 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,400 who had a wooden IUD." 160 00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:16,002 [ Laughter ] 161 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,672 Joan may have been gone for 10 years now, 162 00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:22,042 but her jokes were so good that they will live on forever. 163 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:27,447 Her influence as a comedian, as an entertainer, 164 00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:30,950 and as a true iconoclast will be felt for generation 165 00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:32,585 after generation. 166 00:07:32,652 --> 00:07:34,421 She's dead, but she's still here. 167 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:37,624 218 jokes about death, by the way. 168 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:40,427 "When I die, I know what they'll say about my funeral. 169 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,062 'It's the first time a man ever approached her 170 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:45,465 when she was lying down.'" 171 00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:47,767 Thank you, Joan, and thank all of you. 172 00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:49,569 Good night. 173 00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:52,172 [ Cheers and applause ] 174 00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,674 -These are all my jokes. 175 00:07:54,708 --> 00:08:00,246 These are jokes over the last 30 years. 176 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,148 These are just... 177 00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:06,853 Every time I write a joke, I try to remember to get it on a card. 178 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,656 "Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say, 179 00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:14,694 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?" 180 00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:17,330 And you wonder why I'm still working at this age. 181 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:21,167 Everywhere you look, there are jokes. 182 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,969 Everywhere, jokes to be filed. 183 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,372 Jokes to be written. 184 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:28,441 Jokes that I thought of something. 185 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,944 I mean, my life is just... 186 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,315 ...jokes. 187 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,984 -Coming up, Rachel Brosnahan, 188 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,419 Chelsea Handler, 189 00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:41,488 and a special performance from Nikki Glaser. 190 00:08:41,554 --> 00:08:43,323 -She let other sixes like me know 191 00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,325 that if you're funny enough, 192 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,127 people might treat you like an eight. 193 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,696 [ Laughter ] 194 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,869 -Joan's voice echoes in my head when I get asked to do, like, 195 00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,771 "Dancing With the Stars" or "Masked Singer" 196 00:08:57,904 --> 00:08:59,739 or "Celebrity American Ninja Warrior." 197 00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,875 Like, embarrassing things I've done on TV, 198 00:09:01,908 --> 00:09:03,843 I blame Joan because I always go, 199 00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:06,680 "Joan would have done it. Joan wasn't too cool for this." 200 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:11,117 -Please welcome Nikki Glaser. [ Cheers and applause ] 201 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,786 -Hi, everyone. 202 00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:16,690 I'm Nikki Glaser, and I am so incredibly honored 203 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:20,126 and grateful to be here tonight to honor Joan Rivers. 204 00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:21,494 What a dream. 205 00:09:21,594 --> 00:09:23,363 First, not to make this weird, 206 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,733 but I just want to talk about something that I actually, 207 00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:29,235 um, isn't easy for me to admit, 208 00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:32,706 and I've only actually recently gone public with it. 209 00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:35,608 But about five years ago, I went to the doctor 210 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,811 for a routine checkup, 211 00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:40,613 and they told me that they found some early signs of aging. 212 00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:43,550 And, um... [ Laughter ] 213 00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:47,687 Thank you so much. It really is the silent killer. 214 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:52,592 I always knew it would happen, you know? 215 00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:53,993 You know, you're going to age, 216 00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:55,362 but, I don't know, 217 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:56,863 there's just a part of you 218 00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:58,131 when you're a young girl that kind of thinks, like, 219 00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:00,033 "Maybe I won't," you know? 220 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:03,269 Like maybe science is going to come out with something 221 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:06,072 that's going to freeze me at this age forever. 222 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,907 And they did, 223 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,709 but until I can get my hands on one of those suicide pods, 224 00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:12,178 I'm telling you, I have to -- [ Laughter ] 225 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:15,582 I have to keep going to see Dr. Diamond in Beverly Hills. 226 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:19,886 And if I mention him, I do get a discount, so. 227 00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:22,589 In her jokes, Joan left behind such crucial wisdom 228 00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:24,591 and harsh truths about the aging process 229 00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,860 that you really usually don't uncover 230 00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:28,762 until you're jacking up the font size on your phone 231 00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:32,399 to take a perimenopause quiz. 232 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,434 I remember being in my 20s 233 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,537 when I first heard Joan's joke about her aging vagina, 234 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:40,073 in which she described viscerally 235 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,709 that waking up one morning, she looked down and she wondered, 236 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:46,112 "Why am I wearing a bunny slipper? 237 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:50,216 And why is it gray?" [ Laughter ] 238 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,419 And it stuck with me, right? 239 00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:53,920 Because I was in my 20s 240 00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,455 and I did not understand that joke at the time. 241 00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:56,823 I remember thinking like, "Oh, 242 00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:58,758 that's just a her problem," right? 243 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,761 But man, does that joke hit different today. 244 00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:05,665 Dude, I took a gander at mine the other day. 245 00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:08,935 And by the way, taking a gander is what you do 246 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,171 when you look at things in your 40s. 247 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,340 You gander at them. 248 00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,141 So the other day, 249 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:18,144 I gave my howdy do a little looky loo, and I -- 250 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,946 I swear to God, 251 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,650 it legit looks like it has two gauged ear lobes. 252 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,019 Like, that is what's happening down there. 253 00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,488 It's true. 254 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:31,191 When I wear tight jeans, I don't even have camel toe anymore. 255 00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:35,462 I have basset hound head. It's -- It's falling. 256 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,564 And Joan told me it would. 257 00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:39,165 It's not just down there either. 258 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,067 It's up there. 259 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,436 She warned me about these future zucchini implants. 260 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,372 Her words, not mine. 261 00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:48,475 Joan once said "I took my bra off at a nude beach today 262 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:52,278 and accidentally clubbed two baby seals." 263 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,014 Oh, my God. 264 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:57,450 They're propped up tonight, but I relate to that, dude. 265 00:11:57,584 --> 00:11:58,985 Oh, my God. 266 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:00,353 The other day my boyfriend had to go down on me 267 00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,389 just to feel me up. 268 00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,825 It's bad. They're dropping. 269 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,727 I understand that joke now. 270 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,429 Like, I get it. 271 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:10,730 My cup size has changed since I've aged. 272 00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:12,766 I used to be a D cup, 273 00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:17,637 but now I'm a champagne flute is, I think, what it is. 274 00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:19,572 When I lay on my back, 275 00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:20,807 I can literally put my nipple in a headlock. 276 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,042 That's how... [ Laughter ] 277 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:29,149 But if you look through all of her jokes, she -- 278 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:32,419 Joan had infinite jokes about the way that she looked. 279 00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:33,853 And maybe I'm projecting here, 280 00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:35,555 but I really believe one of the main reasons 281 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:40,727 Joan was so funny was because she never felt pretty, you know? 282 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,463 Honestly, I know that's why I do this. 283 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:47,400 And before you say like, "Nikki, no, stop. You're so pretty"... 284 00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:51,371 [ Laughter ] I'll wait. I'll wait. 285 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,741 Okay. Thank you. [ Laughter ] 286 00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:57,277 But the thing was sure, yeah, I am, 287 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,611 but Joan was pretty too. 288 00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,680 But it doesn't matter what the truth is. 289 00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:02,816 It's how we feel about ourselves. 290 00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:04,617 Joan once said that she was so ugly, 291 00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:06,619 they awarded her vibrator the Purple Heart. 292 00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:13,793 And, like, you don't think of that unless you think of that, 293 00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:15,095 you know what I mean? 294 00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:17,697 [ Laughter ] 295 00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:20,066 Joan and I both understood that from a young age 296 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,601 that if we were going to be as adored as the beautiful women 297 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,870 that we envied, we were going to have to 298 00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:25,405 bring other things to the table, right? 299 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,173 We'd have to make up for it in some other way. 300 00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:30,844 And that way was writing jokes and plastic surgery. 301 00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:33,046 That was what we were going to do. 302 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,448 The only thing more shameful than aging is admitting 303 00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,917 that you might have done something about it, right? 304 00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,120 But Joan didn't care. Joan did both. 305 00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,689 She aged and did something about it and told us about it. 306 00:13:42,756 --> 00:13:44,624 She once said, 307 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,292 "I know a girl who had her bags removed from under her eyes 308 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,928 and used them as bosoms." [ Laughter ] 309 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:53,500 "Don't laugh. It was me." And I love that joke. 310 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:56,069 My favorite part of that joke is when she says, 311 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,171 "Don't laugh," because that's so real. 312 00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,507 Because of course Joan wanted us to laugh, 313 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,876 but, like, not too hard, you know? 314 00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:05,278 I'm saying this to help us all 315 00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:07,814 understand Joan Rivers a bit more. 316 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,716 This is what made Joan Rivers, Joan Rivers. 317 00:14:09,783 --> 00:14:11,451 You don't get to be that funny, 318 00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:15,321 that bold, that smart when you like yourself. 319 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:18,191 You know? You can't be funny with self-esteem. 320 00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:21,795 You're not Martin Short, you know? 321 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:25,699 Sure, it's sad that Joan never fully understood 322 00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:27,767 how beautiful she truly was. 323 00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:29,102 But at the same time, 324 00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:31,371 I'm kind of glad that she didn't, you know? 325 00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:33,740 Because she let other sixes like me know 326 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:36,376 that if you're funny enough, 327 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:39,412 people might treat you like an eight. 328 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:42,115 And recently, I was complaining about aging in Hollywood 329 00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:43,717 and my friend, to make me feel better, said 330 00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:45,952 "Nikki, you don't need to worry about aging. 331 00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:47,821 You know, you're the next Joan Rivers." 332 00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:49,723 And of course, that was meant as a compliment 333 00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,257 but didn't feel like one, you know? 334 00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:54,694 Like when people tell me I look exactly like my dad. 335 00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:58,631 But truly being compared to Joan -- 336 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,700 What a gift. 337 00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:03,103 It was actually the greatest compliment I could ever ask for. 338 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,271 Because I do want to be like Joan. 339 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,907 I want to make people laugh by speaking the unspeakable. 340 00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:09,676 I want to turn pain into joy. 341 00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,478 I want to be a bad mom. 342 00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:14,948 I... [ Laughter ] 343 00:15:14,981 --> 00:15:17,417 But most of all, just like Joan, 344 00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,919 I want to keep working up until the very end 345 00:15:19,986 --> 00:15:22,756 so I can die doing what I love. 346 00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:25,725 Undergoing a risky surgical procedure. 347 00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:28,228 Thank you, Joan. We love you. 348 00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:29,429 Good night. 349 00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:32,365 [ Cheers and applause ] 350 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:36,069 -Vaginas drop. No one tells you this. 351 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,571 Vaginas drop. I woke up three weeks ago -- 352 00:15:38,672 --> 00:15:40,373 This is a sad story. 353 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,742 [ Laughter ] 354 00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:45,612 I woke up three weeks ago and I went, 355 00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,181 "Why am I wearing a bunny slipper? 356 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:54,888 And it's..." [ Laughter ] 357 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:57,824 "And why is it gray? It is --" 358 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,527 [ Laughter ] 359 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,397 -Please give a warm welcome to the marvelous Rachel Brosnahan. 360 00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:07,567 -Hello. 361 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,770 Hello, hello, hello. 362 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:13,773 I am so honored to be here tonight 363 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,942 to celebrate Joan Rivers. 364 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,278 She was one of the pioneering comedians 365 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:22,082 I studied to shape Mrs. Maisel on "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel." 366 00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,684 [ Cheers and applause ] Thanks, guys. 367 00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:26,219 Thank you. 368 00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:27,754 Of course, over her career, 369 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,923 Joan wrote nearly 70,000 jokes 370 00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:32,092 that touched on thousands of topics. 371 00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,461 And obviously, we can't get to all of them tonight, 372 00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:36,830 but I thought it would be kind of fun 373 00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:39,132 if we picked four categories at random 374 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:42,635 and you, the audience, can decide which one we cover. 375 00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,270 Yeah? [ Cheers and applause ] 376 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,473 Okay, I'll read some categories. 377 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,041 You choose the one that you like 378 00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:50,176 by cheering as loudly as you can. 379 00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:52,512 And then I will deliver as many of Joan's jokes 380 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:53,880 as I can in 60 seconds. 381 00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:55,849 How does that sound? [ Cheers and applause ] 382 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,550 Okay. All right, here we go. 383 00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:00,920 Four random categories. I have actually not seen these. 384 00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:04,858 Socioeconomic theory. [ Laughter ] 385 00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:09,129 Baroque architecture. [ Laughter, applause ] 386 00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,031 Okay. Tort law. 387 00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:13,466 [ Cheers and applause ] 388 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,068 Okay. 389 00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:18,905 And last but not least, vaginas. 390 00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:24,310 [ Cheers and applause ] 391 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:29,649 I'm -- I'm pretty sure it was tort law, right? 392 00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:33,420 No? Please? Okay. All right. 393 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:36,690 You know, I expected so much more of you. 394 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,291 All right, here we go. 395 00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:42,662 Joan's finest vagina jokes in 60 seconds. 396 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,297 Hit it. 397 00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:45,799 "My gynecologist does jokes. 398 00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:48,435 Dr. Schwartz, at your cervix." 399 00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,303 "I've had so many yeast infections, 400 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:53,473 if I sit out in the sun too long, I start to rise." 401 00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,809 "You know what's sad? My vagina is just like MySpace. 402 00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:57,444 It was popular in the '90s, 403 00:17:57,544 --> 00:18:00,580 but now nobody wants to go there." 404 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,083 "Her vagina is so dry she can start a fire 405 00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:05,151 by rubbing her legs together." 406 00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,753 "My gynecologist does jokes. 407 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:10,857 He puts his ear to me and goes, 'I can hear the ocean.'" 408 00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,459 "I call my G-spot Amelia Earhart 409 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:15,295 because nobody looks for it anymore." 410 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,097 "Before I go to the gynecologist, 411 00:18:17,163 --> 00:18:18,898 I shower, I douche, I shower, and I douche again. 412 00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,166 Then I try a few breath mints. 413 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,036 Sometimes they fall out. And why? 414 00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:26,806 Because you want to feel fresh when you're being humiliated." 415 00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:29,242 "My gynecologist is so cheap, he doesn't even have an exam table. 416 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,078 He just asks me to undress and do a somersault." 417 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:33,480 "The only good thing about loud vagina farts 418 00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,915 is that they scare away the crabs." 419 00:18:36,016 --> 00:18:37,484 "I have a Jewish gynecologist. 420 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,519 Once a year, he gives me a pap shmear." 421 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:41,821 "He is so crude, he starts the examination screaming, 422 00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,890 'What a dump!'" 423 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,392 "Suzanne's twat is so dry, 424 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:48,461 senior citizens go there to retire." 425 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,430 "My gynecologist takes out his mirror and says, 426 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,665 'May I show you to your womb?'" 427 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:57,037 I'm pretty sure they let me run over 60 seconds. 428 00:18:57,103 --> 00:19:00,206 But thank you very much. Thank you all. 429 00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:02,242 Thank you to Joan. 430 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,743 Thank you all for being here tonight. 431 00:19:03,777 --> 00:19:07,280 I hope that you and your vaginas enjoy the show. 432 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:10,784 [ Cheers and applause ] 433 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,719 -Coming up, Rita Wilson, 434 00:19:12,786 --> 00:19:13,920 Joel McHale, 435 00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:15,455 and Aubrey Plaza. 436 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:16,990 -You don't have to laugh. 437 00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,626 It can be awkward silence if you want. 438 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,461 [ Laughter ] 439 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:26,933 -Here are some great jokes from Joan Rivers, 440 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,568 the great Joan Rivers. 441 00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,303 These are from her files. Wow, that's pretty great. 442 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:33,273 -Well, number one that I remember from being a kid, 443 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,741 "I knew I was unwanted 444 00:19:34,808 --> 00:19:39,279 when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio." 445 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:41,448 -"Michael Jackson has a dog. 446 00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:43,783 It follows him to the plastic surgeon, 447 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,352 then waits around for scraps." 448 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:47,320 -"I went to a gay wedding and instead of rice, 449 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:50,156 they threw Froot Loops." Classic. 450 00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:51,725 -"I don't think my parents liked me. 451 00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:53,560 My parents didn't want me. 452 00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:57,097 They once gave me a plastic bag for my birthday and they said, 453 00:19:57,130 --> 00:20:00,400 'Pretend it's a space helmet.'" 454 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,802 -"Preparing a Jewish dinner is very simple. 455 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,037 All you need is the phone number 456 00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:06,940 of the nearest Chinese restaurant." 457 00:20:07,007 --> 00:20:10,710 That still works. Still works. 458 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,949 -Please welcome Joel McHale. 459 00:20:16,016 --> 00:20:21,254 [ Cheers and applause ] 460 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:23,556 -Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 461 00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:25,025 It's an honor. 462 00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:28,762 I actually had the pleasure of working at E! at the same time 463 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:33,066 Joan was hosting her show "Fashion Police." 464 00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:36,469 Yeah, well, no one really has the pleasure of working at E! 465 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:38,738 It's where mid-level celebrities are sent 466 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:42,342 to fulfill community service for public intoxication. 467 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:43,977 Ryan Seacrest, noted drunk. 468 00:20:44,044 --> 00:20:47,047 Anyway, nonetheless, I got to meet 469 00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:49,883 and talk to the legendary Joan Rivers, 470 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:53,219 and she was an absolute delight. 471 00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:56,322 And she's not here to correct me, 472 00:20:56,389 --> 00:21:01,294 so I'll just say she felt the exact same way about me. 473 00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:05,532 Joan died in 2014. 474 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,367 Yep, I just heard someone gasp. 475 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,703 Which means you're just finding out now. 476 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:14,007 I'm so sorry that you are learning this way, Melissa. 477 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:17,310 Uh, I thought somebody had told you. 478 00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,412 I'm so, so sorry. 479 00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:21,081 Joan's passing means 480 00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,750 that a legendary comedic voice missed out 481 00:21:23,817 --> 00:21:26,820 on the past 10 years of human history. 482 00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:31,524 To which I can only say Joan, you lucky bitch. 483 00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:37,430 She died without ever having to hear the words "Joe Exotic." 484 00:21:37,497 --> 00:21:39,799 We'll never know exactly what Joan would have said 485 00:21:39,866 --> 00:21:42,068 about the events of the past decade, 486 00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:45,872 and even imagining what she would have said would be craven, 487 00:21:45,939 --> 00:21:47,540 callous, and opportunistic. 488 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:51,277 So let's do that now, shall we? Yes. 489 00:21:51,344 --> 00:21:55,615 Okay. What did Joan miss? Ah, yes. 490 00:21:55,682 --> 00:21:59,252 She missed the federal legalization of gay marriage. 491 00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:00,987 Yeah, and spoiler, 492 00:22:01,054 --> 00:22:07,293 she also missed that being overturned in mid-2025. 493 00:22:07,394 --> 00:22:09,462 Back then, Joan said, and I quote, 494 00:22:09,596 --> 00:22:10,897 "I'm against gay marriage. 495 00:22:10,964 --> 00:22:12,565 All my friends are gay, 496 00:22:12,632 --> 00:22:14,601 it'll cost me a fortune in wedding gifts." 497 00:22:14,701 --> 00:22:17,070 [ Laughter ] 498 00:22:17,137 --> 00:22:19,039 She's dead and still killing. 499 00:22:19,105 --> 00:22:23,510 Yeah. Cancel her. Cancel Joan. Cancel. Cancel. Cancel her soul. 500 00:22:23,610 --> 00:22:26,446 No, I'm kidding, of course. Joan was thrilled. 501 00:22:26,513 --> 00:22:28,381 She was a huge gay rights advocate, 502 00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:29,983 and she was actually alive 503 00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:32,652 when gay marriage was legalized in California, 504 00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:34,587 which is when she said this -- 505 00:22:34,688 --> 00:22:36,456 "Last night, California's ban 506 00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:38,725 on same-sex marriage was overturned, 507 00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:43,096 as were most of the men in San Francisco." 508 00:22:43,163 --> 00:22:46,332 Cancel her now. Cancel. Cancel her. 509 00:22:46,399 --> 00:22:48,735 Yeah. Good. 510 00:22:48,802 --> 00:22:50,603 Think about what you're clapping for. 511 00:22:50,670 --> 00:22:54,240 Uh, all right. Next up, what did she miss? 512 00:22:54,307 --> 00:22:57,577 Ah, [bleep] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 513 00:22:57,610 --> 00:22:59,646 Yeah. No, no. Can't do that either. 514 00:22:59,713 --> 00:23:00,680 Next one? 515 00:23:00,747 --> 00:23:02,282 Ah [bleep] All right. Great. 516 00:23:02,349 --> 00:23:03,850 Now I'm wishing I had died 10 years ago. 517 00:23:03,950 --> 00:23:08,355 Can we skip to something more lighthearted, please? 518 00:23:08,421 --> 00:23:11,691 There we go. COVID. Yes. 519 00:23:11,758 --> 00:23:15,495 Could you even imagine how Joan would have loved COVID? 520 00:23:15,562 --> 00:23:18,498 This was a woman who was jealous of homeless people 521 00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:21,935 because she said they never had to throw house parties. 522 00:23:22,002 --> 00:23:24,971 [ Laughter ] 523 00:23:25,005 --> 00:23:26,506 Really. 524 00:23:26,573 --> 00:23:28,475 Plus, two years of wearing a mask 525 00:23:28,575 --> 00:23:33,947 would have saved her a ton in, you know, upgrades, right? 526 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:35,615 Right. 527 00:23:35,648 --> 00:23:37,517 So clearly Joan could see the future 528 00:23:37,550 --> 00:23:39,953 because look at this joke from her joke file. 529 00:23:40,053 --> 00:23:43,523 "I hope to God no one repurposes my old jokes 530 00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:46,126 for a TV special 10 years after I'm dead. 531 00:23:46,226 --> 00:23:47,827 But if they do, 532 00:23:47,894 --> 00:23:49,696 they better get someone really talented to do it -- 533 00:23:49,763 --> 00:23:54,668 like that delightful clip show host, Daniel Tosh." 534 00:23:54,768 --> 00:23:58,204 10 years gone and she can still deliver a burn like no one else. 535 00:23:58,238 --> 00:24:00,840 And like every great comedian, 536 00:24:00,907 --> 00:24:02,976 she really did know how to go out. 537 00:24:03,009 --> 00:24:05,845 Joan, I love you wherever you are, and I miss you. 538 00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:09,416 And thanks for having me, everybody. 539 00:24:09,516 --> 00:24:11,418 Good night. [ Cheers and applause ] 540 00:24:11,518 --> 00:24:14,387 -Please welcome Randy Rainbow. 541 00:24:14,454 --> 00:24:18,892 -Hi. What's up, New York? 542 00:24:18,925 --> 00:24:21,628 Hello. 543 00:24:21,695 --> 00:24:24,764 Now, you don't need me to tell you Joan Rivers was a legend. 544 00:24:24,831 --> 00:24:28,435 She was an innovator and a feminist, and that's great. 545 00:24:28,501 --> 00:24:34,474 But most importantly, she was a gay icon, right? 546 00:24:34,541 --> 00:24:37,010 That's the topic they've assigned me tonight, 547 00:24:37,110 --> 00:24:40,080 which is a little presumptuous, but whatever. 548 00:24:40,113 --> 00:24:41,614 I'll go with it. 549 00:24:41,681 --> 00:24:44,951 Yes, to be a gay icon is the most important thing 550 00:24:45,051 --> 00:24:48,455 because that club is the most exclusive. 551 00:24:48,588 --> 00:24:52,892 But Joan was in because she made us laugh at ourselves. 552 00:24:52,926 --> 00:24:56,663 Of course, sometimes she went a little overboard. 553 00:24:56,763 --> 00:25:00,233 She did get on stage and say things like, 554 00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:02,369 "This guy was so gay, 555 00:25:02,435 --> 00:25:05,839 he sprained both his wrists just talking." 556 00:25:05,872 --> 00:25:10,110 [ Laughter ] 557 00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:13,546 Okay, that's offensive. 558 00:25:13,646 --> 00:25:17,384 Ow. Anyway, considering Joan's 559 00:25:17,450 --> 00:25:19,753 gay icon status is firmly etched in pearl -- 560 00:25:19,819 --> 00:25:22,622 We don't do stone. That's basic -- 561 00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:25,191 I went through her filing cabinet 562 00:25:25,225 --> 00:25:29,295 and pulled out some of her gayest jokes of all time. 563 00:25:29,329 --> 00:25:32,032 Yes, they're right here. 564 00:25:32,065 --> 00:25:33,533 Now, many were on point, 565 00:25:33,566 --> 00:25:35,902 but some were just so far out there that I thought 566 00:25:36,036 --> 00:25:40,040 I would respond to them tonight on behalf of the LGBTQ 567 00:25:40,106 --> 00:25:44,711 plus plus plus smiley face emoji community. 568 00:25:44,744 --> 00:25:48,081 I'm calling it my gay rebuttal, 569 00:25:48,114 --> 00:25:50,517 and I know Joan would have had a field day with that. 570 00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:52,585 Does that sound good? Should we do that? 571 00:25:52,686 --> 00:25:55,822 All right. Here are some of Joan's jokes 572 00:25:55,922 --> 00:25:58,458 that need some hardcore gay rebutting. 573 00:25:58,491 --> 00:26:01,828 Okay? "King Kong was gay. 574 00:26:01,895 --> 00:26:05,231 He climbed the Empire State Building to sit on it." 575 00:26:05,331 --> 00:26:07,000 [ Laughter ] 576 00:26:07,067 --> 00:26:12,105 I mean, you know, this one is just historically inaccurate. 577 00:26:12,138 --> 00:26:16,776 You know, everyone knows that King Kong was a top. 578 00:26:16,876 --> 00:26:20,180 Frankly, I'd be more concerned about the Holland Tunnel. 579 00:26:20,213 --> 00:26:22,949 [ Laughter ] 580 00:26:23,016 --> 00:26:25,852 "Gays have made a lot of progress. 581 00:26:25,919 --> 00:26:29,622 They have their own bars, their own parades. 582 00:26:29,689 --> 00:26:32,926 My gay cousin rewrote the gay version of the Bible. 583 00:26:33,059 --> 00:26:37,597 The forbidden fruit is a guy named Danny." 584 00:26:37,664 --> 00:26:39,332 This one is obviously not true 585 00:26:39,399 --> 00:26:43,737 because there was already a gay version of the Bible. 586 00:26:43,803 --> 00:26:46,639 It's called the Bible. [ Laughter ] 587 00:26:46,740 --> 00:26:49,309 I mean, you know, some guys who knew a guy 588 00:26:49,376 --> 00:26:51,811 and a bunch of rules about what you're supposed to wear 589 00:26:51,878 --> 00:26:55,815 and eat -- that's very gay. 590 00:26:55,882 --> 00:27:02,522 "At gay weddings, they throw the rice underhand." 591 00:27:02,622 --> 00:27:04,457 This appears to be a sports reference, 592 00:27:04,557 --> 00:27:06,292 and so I do not understand it. 593 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:07,861 So we'll move on. 594 00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:11,264 But I think I do overhand. We do overhand. 595 00:27:11,297 --> 00:27:13,933 That feels more natural. Okay. 596 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,836 "Gay men love me because I remind them exactly of 597 00:27:16,870 --> 00:27:19,339 why they're not attracted to women." 598 00:27:19,406 --> 00:27:21,675 [ Laughter ] 599 00:27:21,741 --> 00:27:25,645 That might be true a little bit. I was pretty straight 600 00:27:25,712 --> 00:27:30,684 until I saw Joan in "The Muppets Take Manhattan." 601 00:27:30,750 --> 00:27:32,619 It might have been Gonzo's nose, I don't know, 602 00:27:32,652 --> 00:27:35,555 but she was at least half right on this one. 603 00:27:35,588 --> 00:27:38,024 There were so many reasons 604 00:27:38,058 --> 00:27:41,528 the gays loved Joan as much as she loved us. 605 00:27:41,594 --> 00:27:43,496 Her flawless delivery, 606 00:27:43,530 --> 00:27:47,100 her delicious irreverence, her glamour. 607 00:27:47,133 --> 00:27:50,603 She was like if you mashed up all the Golden Girls into one 608 00:27:50,704 --> 00:27:52,806 and then sent it to Cher's plastic surgeon 609 00:27:52,872 --> 00:27:54,374 to make it look fierce. 610 00:27:54,441 --> 00:27:56,643 [ Laughter ] 611 00:27:56,710 --> 00:27:59,045 [ Cheers and applause ] 612 00:27:59,112 --> 00:28:02,082 But most importantly, she made us laugh, 613 00:28:02,148 --> 00:28:05,652 especially in the face of fear and adversity. 614 00:28:05,719 --> 00:28:07,687 There's a lot of that these days. 615 00:28:07,754 --> 00:28:09,289 She taught us, no matter what, 616 00:28:09,356 --> 00:28:10,857 to always find the joke 617 00:28:10,924 --> 00:28:13,993 and never take anything too seriously. 618 00:28:14,060 --> 00:28:17,497 She was a legend and every kind of icon, 619 00:28:17,530 --> 00:28:19,065 and I wish that she were here tonight 620 00:28:19,099 --> 00:28:23,737 so I could say it right to one of her faces. 621 00:28:23,803 --> 00:28:25,839 I'm sure she would tell me to go fuck myself. 622 00:28:25,905 --> 00:28:27,674 And that's why we love Joan Rivers. 623 00:28:27,774 --> 00:28:29,175 Love you, Joan. 624 00:28:29,242 --> 00:28:35,448 [ Cheers and applause ] 625 00:28:35,548 --> 00:28:38,418 -Please welcome Michelle Buteau. 626 00:28:38,485 --> 00:28:41,654 -Hello, everyone. Hello. 627 00:28:41,721 --> 00:28:46,893 Oh, you guys look beautiful. 628 00:28:47,027 --> 00:28:49,629 Tonight is all about Joan Rivers. 629 00:28:49,662 --> 00:28:52,098 And Joan Rivers was a real one. 630 00:28:52,165 --> 00:28:55,001 She was a powerhouse in the industry, 631 00:28:55,035 --> 00:28:57,237 breaking down barriers and opening doors at a time 632 00:28:57,370 --> 00:29:01,574 where it was impossible for women to be taken seriously. 633 00:29:01,675 --> 00:29:04,577 And Joan was seriously funny. 634 00:29:04,678 --> 00:29:06,179 She was a comedic inspiration, 635 00:29:06,279 --> 00:29:09,115 and I've been a fan as long as I can remember. 636 00:29:09,182 --> 00:29:11,718 She was the queen of dope one-liners 637 00:29:11,785 --> 00:29:14,387 in a sequined blazer and a brooch, honey. 638 00:29:14,421 --> 00:29:17,791 Joan loved fashion. She was a "fastonisha." 639 00:29:17,857 --> 00:29:20,593 "Fastonisha." Joan was a "fastonisha." 640 00:29:20,660 --> 00:29:22,395 Is that how you say it? [ Laughter ] 641 00:29:22,495 --> 00:29:28,001 This is why we need more federal funding for public education. 642 00:29:28,068 --> 00:29:36,609 Joan was a "fastonisha." [ Laughter ] 643 00:29:36,676 --> 00:29:40,280 -You got this, girl! -Oh, thank you. 644 00:29:40,313 --> 00:29:42,782 Not the teleprompter trying to break it up. 645 00:29:42,849 --> 00:29:44,484 Too late, sis. 646 00:29:44,551 --> 00:29:48,188 [ Laughter ] 647 00:29:52,592 --> 00:29:58,098 [ Cheers and applause ] 648 00:29:58,131 --> 00:30:02,202 Joan loved fashion so much... 649 00:30:02,268 --> 00:30:05,238 [ Laughter ] 650 00:30:05,338 --> 00:30:08,341 ...she hosted a show called "Fashion Police." 651 00:30:08,375 --> 00:30:10,844 And celebrities were more afraid of the fashion police 652 00:30:10,877 --> 00:30:14,714 than the actual police. 653 00:30:14,748 --> 00:30:16,816 Joan's wit and integrity 654 00:30:16,850 --> 00:30:19,586 paved the way for so many of us female comedians. 655 00:30:19,686 --> 00:30:23,456 Joan made it okay for women to express really funny stuff 656 00:30:23,490 --> 00:30:25,225 about motherhood, which I love. 657 00:30:25,258 --> 00:30:28,595 She once said, "I enjoy Melissa because she's fabulous. 658 00:30:28,695 --> 00:30:30,296 She's into clothes and shoes and spas. 659 00:30:30,330 --> 00:30:32,699 She's like the gay son I never had." 660 00:30:32,732 --> 00:30:35,068 [ Laughter ] 661 00:30:35,168 --> 00:30:37,704 I love this so much because I am also a working mom. 662 00:30:37,737 --> 00:30:39,873 I have -- Thank you. 663 00:30:39,973 --> 00:30:43,043 It's a real job that I don't get paid for. 664 00:30:43,143 --> 00:30:46,312 I have the cutest, most special 5-year-old twins. 665 00:30:46,379 --> 00:30:48,882 And thank God they're cute because it'd be really hard 666 00:30:48,948 --> 00:30:50,116 if they were ugly. 667 00:30:50,216 --> 00:30:52,519 [ Laughter ] 668 00:30:52,585 --> 00:30:56,690 What I love about Joan also is that she wasn't shy 669 00:30:56,756 --> 00:30:58,825 about her looks, which is refreshing. 670 00:30:58,925 --> 00:31:00,260 You know, she once said, 671 00:31:00,326 --> 00:31:01,961 "The only man who can't wait to get his hands 672 00:31:02,028 --> 00:31:04,564 on a woman over 40 is a plastic surgeon." 673 00:31:04,631 --> 00:31:08,935 [ Laughter ] 674 00:31:08,968 --> 00:31:11,571 And we all know she loved a nip tuck. 675 00:31:11,638 --> 00:31:13,540 And you know what? So do I. 676 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:16,743 I love a little nip of whiskey after I tuck my kids into bed. 677 00:31:16,776 --> 00:31:19,713 [ Laughter ] 678 00:31:19,779 --> 00:31:21,548 Out of everything Joan said, 679 00:31:21,614 --> 00:31:24,150 there was one line that always stays with me. 680 00:31:24,184 --> 00:31:28,755 She said, "Always carry a small sledgehammer in your purse 681 00:31:28,822 --> 00:31:31,624 in case you hit the glass ceiling." 682 00:31:31,658 --> 00:31:33,159 Thank you, Joan, 683 00:31:33,193 --> 00:31:34,928 for always leading the way with your sledgehammer. 684 00:31:35,028 --> 00:31:37,330 I would not be here tonight without you. 685 00:31:37,430 --> 00:31:39,132 Good night, everybody. 686 00:31:39,232 --> 00:31:41,634 I hope your Medicaid goes through. 687 00:31:41,701 --> 00:31:45,205 [ Cheers and applause ] 688 00:31:50,010 --> 00:31:51,344 -She was fearless. 689 00:31:51,378 --> 00:31:52,979 I mean, she did not care what anyone thought. 690 00:31:53,046 --> 00:31:54,848 She's, like, the epitome of a trailblazer. 691 00:31:54,948 --> 00:31:58,318 She was the most badass, you know, 692 00:31:58,351 --> 00:32:01,287 female comedian that ever was. 693 00:32:01,354 --> 00:32:05,792 -And now for a somber moment, it's Aubrey Plaza. 694 00:32:05,859 --> 00:32:09,195 [ Cheers and applause ] 695 00:32:09,863 --> 00:32:14,701 -Joan Rivers was a trailblazer, yes, but let's be honest, 696 00:32:14,734 --> 00:32:18,605 not all of her jokes have stood the test of time. 697 00:32:18,672 --> 00:32:21,007 Now, we've heard a lot of tasteless jokes tonight, 698 00:32:21,107 --> 00:32:23,843 but some of them are next level. 699 00:32:23,877 --> 00:32:25,311 Some of them are 700 00:32:25,412 --> 00:32:29,349 "Eeh, we're not supposed to say that anymore." 701 00:32:29,416 --> 00:32:33,720 So tonight, I think it would be a good time 702 00:32:33,753 --> 00:32:39,759 to lay a few of them to rest forever. 703 00:32:39,793 --> 00:32:42,495 Let's revisit some of Joan's most 704 00:32:42,562 --> 00:32:47,400 "Eeh, we probably shouldn't say that anymore" jokes 705 00:32:47,467 --> 00:32:52,706 one last time. 706 00:32:52,772 --> 00:32:54,641 There are so many of them, 707 00:32:54,708 --> 00:32:57,043 but let's just do a couple. 708 00:32:57,110 --> 00:33:00,714 [ Somber music playing ] Thank you, Henry. 709 00:33:00,780 --> 00:33:02,749 "My Mexican maid is great, 710 00:33:02,816 --> 00:33:06,286 but I wish she'd stop rimming my toilet bowl with salt." 711 00:33:06,353 --> 00:33:09,489 [ Laughter ] 712 00:33:09,522 --> 00:33:16,930 ** 713 00:33:17,030 --> 00:33:18,832 "The morning after pill isn't new. 714 00:33:18,865 --> 00:33:20,166 It just used to be called 715 00:33:20,233 --> 00:33:22,435 throwing yourself down the stairs." 716 00:33:22,502 --> 00:33:25,739 [ Laughter ] 717 00:33:25,805 --> 00:33:27,173 You don't have to laugh. 718 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,109 It can be awkward silence if you want. 719 00:33:29,175 --> 00:33:32,746 If that feels good for you. 720 00:33:32,812 --> 00:33:34,247 "I dated a homeless man. 721 00:33:34,314 --> 00:33:35,949 In the subway after dinner, 722 00:33:36,049 --> 00:33:38,151 I suggested we go back to his place. 723 00:33:38,218 --> 00:33:40,320 He said 'We're there.'" 724 00:33:40,387 --> 00:33:42,822 [ Laughter ] 725 00:33:42,889 --> 00:33:46,126 ** 726 00:33:46,192 --> 00:33:48,061 "A hint while playing blackjack -- 727 00:33:48,128 --> 00:33:51,464 never say 'hit me' if the dealer is Italian." 728 00:33:51,531 --> 00:33:55,035 [ Laughter ] 729 00:33:55,068 --> 00:33:57,871 You're sick. You're all sick. 730 00:33:57,971 --> 00:34:00,507 I'm so sorry. 731 00:34:00,573 --> 00:34:03,910 "There's a new dish for Japanese bisexuals -- 732 00:34:04,010 --> 00:34:05,011 him-she." 733 00:34:05,045 --> 00:34:08,481 [ Laughter ] 734 00:34:08,548 --> 00:34:13,053 ** 735 00:34:13,086 --> 00:34:15,321 "My anorexic neighbor is pregnant. 736 00:34:15,388 --> 00:34:17,490 Finally, she's eating for one." 737 00:34:17,557 --> 00:34:22,629 [ Laughter ] 738 00:34:22,729 --> 00:34:26,433 Goodbye forever. 739 00:34:26,466 --> 00:34:28,535 Except maybe... 740 00:34:28,601 --> 00:34:32,038 "AOL is promoting a Nazi makeover show filmed 741 00:34:32,105 --> 00:34:35,675 at the Anne Frank House called 'This Old Attic.'" 742 00:34:35,742 --> 00:34:38,778 Anyway, those are just a few. 743 00:34:38,845 --> 00:34:40,313 But thank you, Joan. 744 00:34:40,380 --> 00:34:43,683 I love you. I hope you're enjoying hell. 745 00:34:43,750 --> 00:34:46,086 I will see you there very soon. 746 00:34:46,119 --> 00:34:51,458 [ Cheers and applause ] 747 00:34:51,558 --> 00:34:53,093 -Hi. Can we talk? 748 00:34:53,193 --> 00:34:55,762 Listen, this Saturday evening, I will be joining QVC 749 00:34:55,795 --> 00:34:58,598 to introduce my new Classics Collection of fashion jewelry. 750 00:34:58,698 --> 00:35:01,434 It's just beautiful. And you are going to love it. 751 00:35:01,534 --> 00:35:03,837 Oh, wrong way. -Wrong way. 752 00:35:03,903 --> 00:35:05,238 Joan, we're on. -Oh! 753 00:35:05,305 --> 00:35:08,141 -Oh, I like it. It's yummy. 754 00:35:08,208 --> 00:35:10,744 -It's yummy. -You always keep me laughing. 755 00:35:10,810 --> 00:35:14,414 -You're living all these years making people laugh. 756 00:35:14,481 --> 00:35:16,616 It's not a bad way to make a living. 757 00:35:16,683 --> 00:35:18,885 -Thank you. You just walked in my shot, Rivers. 758 00:35:18,985 --> 00:35:22,155 -Mwah, mwah. Love you, mean it. 759 00:35:22,222 --> 00:35:24,357 -Something old and make it new. 760 00:35:24,424 --> 00:35:27,894 And that's really -- Yes. -Me. Me! 761 00:35:27,927 --> 00:35:29,262 -How much do we love her? 762 00:35:29,329 --> 00:35:32,198 How much do we love... 763 00:35:32,265 --> 00:35:35,769 -Please welcome Rita Wilson. 764 00:35:35,869 --> 00:35:39,539 -Hello. I loved Joan Rivers. 765 00:35:39,639 --> 00:35:42,642 How could you not love a woman who did so much, 766 00:35:42,709 --> 00:35:46,880 who worked so hard and who made so many people laugh? 767 00:35:46,946 --> 00:35:50,083 Joan really knew how to sell a joke. 768 00:35:50,150 --> 00:35:53,653 Actually, she knew how to sell everything. 769 00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:57,691 She built $1 billion empire on QVC with her jewelry, 770 00:35:57,724 --> 00:36:02,128 clothing, beauty products, and she had fun doing it. 771 00:36:02,195 --> 00:36:05,465 I'd like to honor Joan tonight by doing something 772 00:36:05,498 --> 00:36:08,401 she was so very good at -- 773 00:36:08,468 --> 00:36:11,137 selling you stuff that you definitely don't need. 774 00:36:11,204 --> 00:36:13,707 [ Laughter ] 775 00:36:13,773 --> 00:36:17,777 ** 776 00:36:17,844 --> 00:36:20,246 [ As Joan Rivers ] Hello, I'm Rita Wilson, 777 00:36:20,313 --> 00:36:22,649 and boy, do we have a deal for you today. 778 00:36:22,716 --> 00:36:24,551 For the first time ever, 779 00:36:24,584 --> 00:36:28,088 you can be the proud owner of Joan Rivers' jokes. 780 00:36:28,121 --> 00:36:30,490 Oh, oh, oh, oh, how exciting is that? 781 00:36:30,590 --> 00:36:33,259 This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own the jokes 782 00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:35,662 that tell the Joan Rivers story. 783 00:36:35,729 --> 00:36:39,232 Jokes like... 784 00:36:39,332 --> 00:36:40,767 "I was a dog in high school. 785 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:43,336 I told my father a boy wanted to take me out, 786 00:36:43,403 --> 00:36:45,038 and he said, 'Not without a leash.'" 787 00:36:45,105 --> 00:36:49,843 [ Laughter ] 788 00:36:49,909 --> 00:36:52,779 [ Normal voice ] That joke can be yours if you call now. 789 00:36:52,846 --> 00:36:55,882 A Joan joke is the perfect gift for all ages. 790 00:36:55,982 --> 00:36:58,752 In fact, kids love Joan's jokes. 791 00:36:58,818 --> 00:37:02,522 Why? Because they're not only funny, they're also educational. 792 00:37:04,824 --> 00:37:06,693 "Marry for money. 793 00:37:06,726 --> 00:37:09,362 I've always taught my daughter that sex is the most beautiful, 794 00:37:09,396 --> 00:37:11,931 meaningful thing a woman can get paid for." 795 00:37:11,965 --> 00:37:17,437 [ Laughter ] 796 00:37:17,470 --> 00:37:21,541 "Tragedy plus time equals a facelift." 797 00:37:21,608 --> 00:37:26,379 [ Laughter ] 798 00:37:26,479 --> 00:37:32,619 And Joan also asked the tough questions like, 799 00:37:32,652 --> 00:37:35,955 "What kind of soup do you give to a sick chicken?" 800 00:37:36,022 --> 00:37:43,763 [ Laughter ] 801 00:37:43,830 --> 00:37:47,767 Let's go to the phones. Do I have a call coming in? 802 00:37:47,801 --> 00:37:50,937 It's -- Ah, it's Christie from Wisconsin. 803 00:37:51,037 --> 00:37:52,739 Hello, Christie. How are you? 804 00:37:52,839 --> 00:37:54,607 Are you ready to place your order 805 00:37:54,641 --> 00:37:58,511 for this incredible joke set? -Hi, Rita. I think so. 806 00:37:58,578 --> 00:38:01,681 I'm just worried that Joan was so amazing and successful, 807 00:38:01,715 --> 00:38:04,651 I won't be able to relate to her material. 808 00:38:04,718 --> 00:38:06,953 -Oh, Christine, I completely understand your concern. 809 00:38:07,053 --> 00:38:11,491 But believe it or not, Joan was just like you and me. 810 00:38:11,558 --> 00:38:12,792 Proof -- 811 00:38:12,859 --> 00:38:16,029 "I have ugly feet. I try not to let it bother me. 812 00:38:16,062 --> 00:38:18,631 After all, I have ten toes like everyone else. 813 00:38:18,665 --> 00:38:20,734 Seven on one foot, three on the other." 814 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,570 [ Laughter ] 815 00:38:23,603 --> 00:38:25,305 Call now. Joan's jokes. 816 00:38:25,372 --> 00:38:27,374 Promo code -- "CanWeTawk." 817 00:38:27,474 --> 00:38:30,377 That's "tawk" with a W, naturally. 818 00:38:30,410 --> 00:38:32,479 Operators are standing by, but I'm not. 819 00:38:32,545 --> 00:38:35,548 I have dinner plans. Good night. Mwah! 820 00:38:35,615 --> 00:38:36,883 [ Cheers and applause ] 821 00:38:36,950 --> 00:38:40,520 Thank you, Joan. 822 00:38:40,620 --> 00:38:45,158 -Please welcome Matteo Lane. 823 00:38:45,225 --> 00:38:47,227 -Hi. 824 00:38:47,293 --> 00:38:49,396 Hey. Hi, everyone. 825 00:38:49,496 --> 00:38:51,631 So, you know, I'm a comedian, 826 00:38:51,664 --> 00:38:54,200 and I thought I should tell jokes tonight, 827 00:38:54,267 --> 00:38:56,036 but in true gay fashion, 828 00:38:56,102 --> 00:39:01,274 I thought maybe I'll sing a song to honor Joan instead. 829 00:39:01,374 --> 00:39:02,409 We are at the Apollo after all. 830 00:39:02,509 --> 00:39:04,678 So, please, Henry Koperski -- 831 00:39:04,744 --> 00:39:06,279 Give it up for Henry for being great, by the way. 832 00:39:06,346 --> 00:39:10,650 ** 833 00:39:10,717 --> 00:39:14,287 * I'd like to take a moment * 834 00:39:14,387 --> 00:39:17,691 * To give a little toast * 835 00:39:17,724 --> 00:39:21,361 * To the one who started everything * 836 00:39:21,428 --> 00:39:25,098 * And inspired me the most * 837 00:39:25,165 --> 00:39:28,168 * A legend in her truest sense * 838 00:39:28,268 --> 00:39:32,672 * I bow before her throne * 839 00:39:32,706 --> 00:39:37,577 * I'm too emotional to speak * 840 00:39:37,610 --> 00:39:44,651 * So let me sing this song to Joan * 841 00:39:44,718 --> 00:39:48,288 ** 842 00:39:48,321 --> 00:39:49,956 * You see, when I was young * 843 00:39:49,989 --> 00:39:53,860 * I'd never seen a gay man telling jokes * 844 00:39:53,893 --> 00:39:55,462 Wait a minute. Hold on. I'm sorry. 845 00:39:55,562 --> 00:39:57,564 An out gay man telling jokes. 846 00:39:57,597 --> 00:39:59,632 We know who they are. Okay. 847 00:39:59,699 --> 00:40:03,269 * So I'd watch the closest thing I could find * 848 00:40:03,336 --> 00:40:06,306 * Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho * 849 00:40:06,373 --> 00:40:09,376 * And finally, when I was 21 * 850 00:40:09,442 --> 00:40:12,645 * I saw a special that changed change my life * 851 00:40:12,746 --> 00:40:16,783 It was called "Before Melissa Pulls the Plug," 852 00:40:16,883 --> 00:40:19,452 and Joan would literally take giant plants 853 00:40:19,519 --> 00:40:21,021 and give them to people in the audience. 854 00:40:21,054 --> 00:40:24,090 I was like, "Ooh, I need to see more of this." 855 00:40:24,190 --> 00:40:31,264 * And that's when I knew that my North Star was Joan * 856 00:40:31,331 --> 00:40:35,235 ** 857 00:40:35,301 --> 00:40:37,837 * She walked on stage, she was 72 * 858 00:40:37,904 --> 00:40:40,774 * With a fur around her neck * 859 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,576 * She opened up her mouth to speak * 860 00:40:43,643 --> 00:40:46,746 * And what she said, I'll never forget * 861 00:40:46,780 --> 00:40:48,481 "If you're old, get up and get out. 862 00:40:48,548 --> 00:40:50,417 I hate old people, 863 00:40:50,450 --> 00:40:54,721 I hate ugly people, and I hate children." 864 00:40:54,788 --> 00:41:00,660 * And finally, I saw myself in the art I'd like to hone * 865 00:41:00,727 --> 00:41:08,368 * All because I knew my North Star was Joan * 866 00:41:08,435 --> 00:41:10,503 * I couldn't believe that someone * 867 00:41:10,570 --> 00:41:13,640 * Could be so powerful on stage * 868 00:41:13,707 --> 00:41:15,942 * She stayed true to her self * 869 00:41:16,009 --> 00:41:19,546 * Her integrity, no matter what age * 870 00:41:19,612 --> 00:41:22,449 * I use that strength and confidence * 871 00:41:22,549 --> 00:41:25,385 * To get me through those awful open mics * 872 00:41:25,452 --> 00:41:28,154 * She was underrated, an underdog * 873 00:41:28,221 --> 00:41:36,396 * But she wouldn't get up without a fight * 874 00:41:36,463 --> 00:41:43,269 * Thank you to my North Star * 875 00:41:43,336 --> 00:41:52,612 * Joan * 876 00:41:52,679 --> 00:41:57,617 [ Cheers and applause ] 877 00:41:57,650 --> 00:41:59,319 Henry Koperski, everybody. 878 00:41:59,386 --> 00:42:00,387 Thank you. 879 00:42:00,453 --> 00:42:02,689 [ Cheers and applause ] 880 00:42:02,756 --> 00:42:04,691 -Still to come, Tiffany Haddish 881 00:42:04,791 --> 00:42:06,893 and Chelsea Handler. 882 00:42:13,466 --> 00:42:15,301 -Joan Rivers is probably the reason 883 00:42:15,335 --> 00:42:17,570 that I'm in show business today. 884 00:42:17,604 --> 00:42:20,774 When I started out in comedy, 885 00:42:20,807 --> 00:42:24,678 the litmus test was "The Tonight Show." 886 00:42:24,744 --> 00:42:26,246 I could not, for the life of me, 887 00:42:26,346 --> 00:42:27,914 get booked on "The Tonight Show." 888 00:42:27,981 --> 00:42:30,917 One night, Joan Rivers saw me at the Comedy Store. 889 00:42:30,950 --> 00:42:32,652 She said, "You're very funny, young man. 890 00:42:32,686 --> 00:42:34,354 Have you ever been on 'The Tonight Show'?" 891 00:42:34,387 --> 00:42:36,956 And I said, "No, but, you know, this week's my birthday." 892 00:42:37,023 --> 00:42:39,159 And she said, "Here's a number. Call this guy." 893 00:42:39,225 --> 00:42:41,061 And I called her manager 894 00:42:41,127 --> 00:42:43,830 and she booked me that week to be on "The Tonight Show." 895 00:42:43,897 --> 00:42:46,599 She just saw me, thought I was funny, 896 00:42:46,666 --> 00:42:48,501 and booked me on "The Tonight Show." 897 00:42:48,601 --> 00:42:50,537 And that was my first time on "The Tonight Show," 898 00:42:50,603 --> 00:42:52,505 which changed my life. 899 00:42:52,605 --> 00:42:55,041 And Johnny saw me on "The Tonight Show" with Joan, 900 00:42:55,075 --> 00:42:56,876 liked me so much, and brought me back the next week. 901 00:42:56,910 --> 00:42:59,479 I ended up doing it 22 times. 902 00:42:59,512 --> 00:43:01,848 -He's the Roastmaster General carrying on 903 00:43:01,915 --> 00:43:04,551 Joan's work for the next generation. 904 00:43:04,584 --> 00:43:06,419 Please welcome Jeff Ross. 905 00:43:06,519 --> 00:43:10,290 [ Cheers and applause ] 906 00:43:10,323 --> 00:43:14,794 ** 907 00:43:14,894 --> 00:43:18,431 -Hello, everybody. What's happening, comedy fans? 908 00:43:18,531 --> 00:43:21,401 [ Cheers and applause ] 909 00:43:21,501 --> 00:43:24,137 I loved her. I loved her so much. 910 00:43:24,170 --> 00:43:29,275 She changed comedy. It was the Golden Globes, 1994. 911 00:43:29,342 --> 00:43:30,877 That was the event 912 00:43:30,944 --> 00:43:32,846 that Joan Rivers first stormed the red carpet. 913 00:43:32,912 --> 00:43:35,048 Armed with nothing but a microphone 914 00:43:35,148 --> 00:43:36,983 and a world-class wit, 915 00:43:37,050 --> 00:43:40,787 Joan made Hollywood history with one simple question -- 916 00:43:40,820 --> 00:43:42,622 "Who are you wearing?" 917 00:43:42,722 --> 00:43:46,026 Then she'd look them up and down and let them have it. 918 00:43:46,059 --> 00:43:49,129 Millions of Americans began tuning in to those pre-shows 919 00:43:49,229 --> 00:43:52,732 just to see Joan speak truth to star power. 920 00:43:52,832 --> 00:43:55,035 And the world's top designers flocked 921 00:43:55,101 --> 00:43:58,638 to fit the biggest celebs just to get their names mentioned. 922 00:43:58,738 --> 00:44:00,840 But now, without Joan to keep them grounded, 923 00:44:00,940 --> 00:44:03,810 Hollywood has lost control of its stars. 924 00:44:03,843 --> 00:44:05,512 The stars have run amok. 925 00:44:05,578 --> 00:44:07,280 Free to wear whatever the hell they want, 926 00:44:07,380 --> 00:44:08,815 no matter how ridiculous. 927 00:44:08,882 --> 00:44:11,484 And the rest of us are expected to just sit here 928 00:44:11,584 --> 00:44:13,820 and say nothing. 929 00:44:13,853 --> 00:44:16,956 So tonight, out of respect, I won't ask who are you wearing? 930 00:44:17,057 --> 00:44:18,892 But I will ask, 931 00:44:18,958 --> 00:44:22,429 I wonder what Joan would have said about this person? 932 00:44:22,462 --> 00:44:25,632 Jada. Jada, can we talk? 933 00:44:25,665 --> 00:44:28,268 Nobody wants that much kale salad, honey. 934 00:44:28,301 --> 00:44:30,637 [ Laughter ] 935 00:44:30,670 --> 00:44:32,439 Yes. 936 00:44:32,539 --> 00:44:36,710 This dress looks like a cry for kelp. 937 00:44:36,776 --> 00:44:40,513 And what about Sam Smith at the Brit Awards last year? 938 00:44:40,580 --> 00:44:44,184 Hey, Rocky, where's Bullwinkle? 939 00:44:44,284 --> 00:44:47,220 I imagine Joan just standing there on the red carpet, 940 00:44:47,287 --> 00:44:48,922 pretending to be in shock. 941 00:44:48,988 --> 00:44:50,690 I love you, Sam, I love you. 942 00:44:50,790 --> 00:44:55,295 You look like you're going to a shiva for a butt plug. 943 00:44:55,362 --> 00:45:00,100 I miss her. I miss her. 944 00:45:00,133 --> 00:45:04,170 Billy Porter, amazing talent and such a Broadway diva 945 00:45:04,204 --> 00:45:08,308 that he's dressed for his own curtain call. 946 00:45:08,341 --> 00:45:09,542 And of course, 947 00:45:09,609 --> 00:45:11,378 there's no bigger star right now 948 00:45:11,478 --> 00:45:15,849 than Ariana grand duvet cover. 949 00:45:15,915 --> 00:45:18,585 Hey, at least if that joke hurts her feelings, 950 00:45:18,618 --> 00:45:22,355 she already has a comforter. 951 00:45:22,455 --> 00:45:24,257 She's wearing it. 952 00:45:24,357 --> 00:45:28,461 Anyway, I'm not a doctor, but I count three polyps. 953 00:45:28,495 --> 00:45:32,132 [ Laughter ] 954 00:45:32,198 --> 00:45:33,900 Oh, Joan. 955 00:45:33,933 --> 00:45:36,403 What would you have said to this guy? 956 00:45:36,469 --> 00:45:39,939 Jared Leto at the Met Gala. 957 00:45:39,973 --> 00:45:43,076 Two heads, not a single thought between them. 958 00:45:43,109 --> 00:45:46,012 [ Laughter ] 959 00:45:46,112 --> 00:45:50,583 Joan probably would have slapped them both in the fucking face. 960 00:45:50,650 --> 00:45:52,218 I love this next guy. 961 00:45:52,318 --> 00:45:53,853 Dan Levy. Did you see him host the Emmys? 962 00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:55,955 He was great with his dad, Eugene. 963 00:45:56,022 --> 00:45:57,424 They were so funny together. 964 00:45:57,524 --> 00:45:59,225 I got two words for you, Dan. 965 00:45:59,259 --> 00:46:01,127 Less starch. 966 00:46:01,227 --> 00:46:06,466 Is it a tie? Is it a napkin? Is it necessary? 967 00:46:06,533 --> 00:46:08,668 Frankly, this outfit blows. 968 00:46:08,702 --> 00:46:10,637 Slightly to the left. 969 00:46:10,670 --> 00:46:12,238 [ Laughter ] 970 00:46:12,305 --> 00:46:14,674 And finally, I wish Joan Rivers was there 971 00:46:14,741 --> 00:46:17,110 when I was invited to walk the runway 972 00:46:17,210 --> 00:46:19,946 at Men's Fashion Week in Paris. 973 00:46:19,979 --> 00:46:21,348 Joan would have looked at me, 974 00:46:21,381 --> 00:46:23,083 she would have said, "Who are you wearing? 975 00:46:23,183 --> 00:46:26,486 Jewey Vuitton?" 976 00:46:26,586 --> 00:46:27,754 "Who are you wearing? 977 00:46:27,854 --> 00:46:30,490 Giorgio Salami?" 978 00:46:30,557 --> 00:46:31,991 "Jeff, can we talk? 979 00:46:32,025 --> 00:46:36,062 You really put the gout in Jean Paul Gaultier." 980 00:46:36,162 --> 00:46:38,198 Joan wasn't just the queen of the red carpet. 981 00:46:38,231 --> 00:46:41,735 She was the dictator. She was feared and revered. 982 00:46:41,835 --> 00:46:43,803 And to me, she was a friend and a mentor. 983 00:46:43,903 --> 00:46:46,373 And I'll never forget when we finally roasted Joan, 984 00:46:46,439 --> 00:46:48,174 it was a great show. 985 00:46:48,274 --> 00:46:50,510 But Joan went up at the end and schooled all of us. 986 00:46:50,577 --> 00:46:52,078 She was the only person I ever saw 987 00:46:52,145 --> 00:46:54,848 be the funniest person at their own roast. 988 00:46:54,914 --> 00:46:57,384 And one word about Joan and her heart. 989 00:46:57,450 --> 00:47:00,053 This is a benefit for God's love we deliver. 990 00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:03,223 When I was a young comic, I took care of my grandfather, 991 00:47:03,256 --> 00:47:05,859 and a food service would come by, 992 00:47:05,925 --> 00:47:07,494 check on him, and give him a hot meal 993 00:47:07,594 --> 00:47:10,030 so that I could go out at night and follow my dreams. 994 00:47:10,063 --> 00:47:12,932 So the fact that you're all here raising money 995 00:47:12,999 --> 00:47:15,135 for such an important cause means the world to me, 996 00:47:15,168 --> 00:47:17,237 and it makes me love Joan even more. 997 00:47:17,270 --> 00:47:19,539 Long live the queen, Joan Rivers. 998 00:47:19,639 --> 00:47:24,444 [ Cheers and applause ] 999 00:47:24,477 --> 00:47:26,813 -Two people that should not be stopped in security -- 1000 00:47:26,846 --> 00:47:29,382 two people -- gay men and Jewish women. 1001 00:47:29,416 --> 00:47:34,721 Gay men. I'm telling you, there is no way in hell 1002 00:47:34,821 --> 00:47:36,790 a gay man can ever get a bomb in his luggage. 1003 00:47:36,856 --> 00:47:39,192 There is no room. 1004 00:47:39,225 --> 00:47:42,595 [ Laughter ] 1005 00:47:42,662 --> 00:47:44,397 Shall I put the bomb in there, 1006 00:47:44,497 --> 00:47:47,267 or shall I take an extra sweater just in case I meet somebody? 1007 00:47:47,367 --> 00:47:50,036 [ Laughter ] 1008 00:47:50,070 --> 00:47:52,105 And a Jewish woman -- 1009 00:47:52,205 --> 00:47:53,640 No Jewish woman is going to ever put a bomb in a Gucci bag. 1010 00:47:53,740 --> 00:47:57,677 Are you crazy? Excuse me? 1011 00:47:57,744 --> 00:48:01,981 You want me, Yetta Bernstein, to put a bomb in my Gucci bag? 1012 00:48:02,082 --> 00:48:03,783 Do you know how many people I had to [bleep] 1013 00:48:03,817 --> 00:48:05,485 to get that Gucci bag? 1014 00:48:05,518 --> 00:48:08,755 [ Laughter ] 1015 00:48:08,822 --> 00:48:12,025 -Welcome back to the stage, Tiffany Haddish. 1016 00:48:12,058 --> 00:48:14,994 -Shalom, shalom. Thank you, Doogie. 1017 00:48:15,095 --> 00:48:16,996 Thank you, thank you. 1018 00:48:17,097 --> 00:48:19,499 As you probably figured out from the opening 1019 00:48:19,532 --> 00:48:23,903 of this tribute, I'm Jewish. 1020 00:48:23,970 --> 00:48:27,540 In fact, five years ago, I was bat mitzvahed. 1021 00:48:27,607 --> 00:48:31,678 You don't just learn how to be a real Jew in shul. 1022 00:48:31,745 --> 00:48:33,246 Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. 1023 00:48:33,313 --> 00:48:36,216 Where I really learned about living a Jewish life 1024 00:48:36,249 --> 00:48:38,418 was from studying Joan's jokes. 1025 00:48:38,518 --> 00:48:41,588 She gave me a master class in Jew you 1026 00:48:41,688 --> 00:48:45,625 and how to never buy retail. 1027 00:48:45,725 --> 00:48:48,161 Nothing retail, baby. 1028 00:48:48,228 --> 00:48:50,964 From her jokes about the perfect Jewish honeymoon, 1029 00:48:51,031 --> 00:48:54,601 I learned that all you really need is a cruise, okay? 1030 00:48:54,634 --> 00:49:00,573 You lie in bed and the ship does all the work, so. 1031 00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:02,976 Joan was a Jew who loved Easter 1032 00:49:03,009 --> 00:49:04,844 so much she colored matzo balls. 1033 00:49:04,911 --> 00:49:06,446 Now, before that, 1034 00:49:06,546 --> 00:49:13,086 I thought matzo balls were right below where the brischar is. 1035 00:49:13,119 --> 00:49:16,356 That's what I thought. I didn't know it was a... 1036 00:49:16,389 --> 00:49:21,961 Anyways, Joan taught me that Jews don't exercise. 1037 00:49:22,062 --> 00:49:25,031 The only time we bend down and touch our toes 1038 00:49:25,065 --> 00:49:27,400 is to see if we need a new pedicure. 1039 00:49:27,467 --> 00:49:29,002 No, I'm good. 1040 00:49:29,102 --> 00:49:31,271 I also learned about dating Jewish men. 1041 00:49:31,304 --> 00:49:35,141 I learned if you date a Jewish guy who's cheating on his wife, 1042 00:49:35,208 --> 00:49:37,777 he'll beg you not to tell his mother. 1043 00:49:37,877 --> 00:49:43,917 And I learned that a nice Jewish girl should date a perfect 10. 1044 00:49:44,017 --> 00:49:48,822 Which from Joan was a 3 with money, okay? 1045 00:49:48,922 --> 00:49:52,225 Joan also was my rabbi 1046 00:49:52,258 --> 00:49:55,228 when it comes to fashion and accessories 1047 00:49:55,328 --> 00:49:57,497 a Jewish girl like me should wear. 1048 00:49:57,597 --> 00:50:00,567 Before her, I had no fashion sense, okay? 1049 00:50:00,600 --> 00:50:02,202 From Joan, 1050 00:50:02,235 --> 00:50:05,472 I learned that Paris was the fashion capital of Europe. 1051 00:50:05,505 --> 00:50:09,876 She said even the condoms there are fashionably baggy. 1052 00:50:09,976 --> 00:50:11,845 And that's true because they always fall off. 1053 00:50:11,911 --> 00:50:15,115 She -- [ Laughter ] 1054 00:50:15,181 --> 00:50:16,950 Thanks to Joan's jokes, 1055 00:50:17,050 --> 00:50:20,787 I learned that G in G-spot stands for Gucci 1056 00:50:20,887 --> 00:50:26,860 and that you can't spell jewelry without the letters J, E, W. 1057 00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:30,930 [ Cheers and applause ] 1058 00:50:30,964 --> 00:50:33,333 In her immortal words, get jewelry 1059 00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:35,568 before you hit the sack with the man. 1060 00:50:35,669 --> 00:50:39,873 A diamond comes from being under a lump of coal for centuries. 1061 00:50:39,906 --> 00:50:43,877 A woman gets a diamond for being under a man for 20 minutes. 1062 00:50:43,977 --> 00:50:46,680 So bottom line, Joan and her jokes taught me 1063 00:50:46,780 --> 00:50:51,217 how to be a better Jew, a better dresser, and a better comic. 1064 00:50:51,251 --> 00:50:56,322 Thank you, guys. Love you, Joan. 1065 00:50:56,356 --> 00:51:00,226 -Please welcome a showbiz legend, Sandra Bernhard. 1066 00:51:00,260 --> 00:51:07,500 [ Cheers and applause ] 1067 00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:10,403 -I'm so glad you can still recognize me 1068 00:51:10,503 --> 00:51:16,343 after my most recent surgical procedures. 1069 00:51:16,443 --> 00:51:19,379 Back in the day, when I was just starting to perform, 1070 00:51:19,446 --> 00:51:22,282 I heard through the grapevine that Joan had seen me 1071 00:51:22,315 --> 00:51:27,821 at the Ye Little Club in Beverly Hills on Canon Drive. 1072 00:51:27,887 --> 00:51:31,057 I heard she said, "She's funny, 1073 00:51:31,124 --> 00:51:32,592 but if she doesn't get a nose job, 1074 00:51:32,625 --> 00:51:36,696 she'll never make it in this business." 1075 00:51:36,763 --> 00:51:39,966 I'm so glad I heeded her advice. 1076 00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:42,602 [ Laughter ] 1077 00:51:42,635 --> 00:51:45,739 I wrote a film script for Joan and myself 1078 00:51:45,772 --> 00:51:47,741 called "Mixed Messages." 1079 00:51:47,774 --> 00:51:49,876 I was going to play a free spirit artist 1080 00:51:49,976 --> 00:51:52,846 who had to move back home in her 30s, 1081 00:51:52,912 --> 00:51:55,081 where Joan would play my mother, 1082 00:51:55,181 --> 00:51:58,985 a WASPy Jew who tries to tame me. 1083 00:51:59,085 --> 00:52:02,222 And of course, at the end we evolve together. 1084 00:52:02,288 --> 00:52:04,124 Of course, the film never got made. 1085 00:52:04,224 --> 00:52:07,060 But years later we ended up working together on a sitcom 1086 00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:09,262 where Joan did play my mother 1087 00:52:09,329 --> 00:52:13,166 and I have to come and bail her out of jail. 1088 00:52:13,199 --> 00:52:14,467 So I'm sitting there, 1089 00:52:14,567 --> 00:52:16,403 I'm watching Joan, and she's such a pro, 1090 00:52:16,503 --> 00:52:20,273 and she's sitting in her little jail cell studying her lines. 1091 00:52:20,306 --> 00:52:22,208 And it struck me 1092 00:52:22,308 --> 00:52:24,611 that Joan had spent her whole life breaking out 1093 00:52:24,644 --> 00:52:26,846 of societal prisons 1094 00:52:26,913 --> 00:52:30,917 and old notions of what it meant to be a woman in comedy. 1095 00:52:30,950 --> 00:52:32,786 The late nights at the clubs, 1096 00:52:32,819 --> 00:52:35,455 convincing people she had what it took, 1097 00:52:35,522 --> 00:52:38,758 exploring her strengths as a writer, a producer, 1098 00:52:38,792 --> 00:52:42,128 battling the conceptions of beauty and ageism. 1099 00:52:42,162 --> 00:52:45,498 She paved the way for women like me to be their authentic selves. 1100 00:52:45,565 --> 00:52:48,335 So thank you, Joan, for breaking all the rules 1101 00:52:48,401 --> 00:52:50,637 and making it just a little bit easier 1102 00:52:50,704 --> 00:52:53,673 to be a funny woman without compromise. 1103 00:52:53,707 --> 00:52:55,375 Here's to you, honey. 1104 00:52:55,475 --> 00:52:58,778 Thank you. It's great to be at the Apollo. 1105 00:52:58,845 --> 00:53:02,349 [ Cheers and applause ] 1106 00:53:02,415 --> 00:53:03,683 -Hold on. I have a bunch written down. 1107 00:53:03,783 --> 00:53:05,251 Let's take a peek. 1108 00:53:05,352 --> 00:53:07,354 -This one's titled "Cleanliness." 1109 00:53:07,420 --> 00:53:09,889 Why would that be the first one that I would pull out? 1110 00:53:09,989 --> 00:53:11,358 "Cleanliness." 1111 00:53:11,391 --> 00:53:12,492 -This is under politics. 1112 00:53:12,525 --> 00:53:14,027 "I'm sick of John McCain whining 1113 00:53:14,127 --> 00:53:15,862 about his torture in a P.O.W. camp. 1114 00:53:15,962 --> 00:53:20,233 You try flying coach 11 hours from L.A. to London." 1115 00:53:20,333 --> 00:53:23,303 -"Donald Trump is a leech. 1116 00:53:23,403 --> 00:53:27,140 His pick-up line is, 'You want to see Trump Towers?'" 1117 00:53:27,240 --> 00:53:31,044 -"I show up to orgies with Handi Wipes." 1118 00:53:31,144 --> 00:53:33,413 You know, I know that's supposed to be funny, 1119 00:53:33,480 --> 00:53:37,350 but when I read it, it's just like a good idea. 1120 00:53:37,417 --> 00:53:38,985 -"I have no sex appeal. 1121 00:53:39,052 --> 00:53:41,621 Peeping toms look in my window and pull down the shade." 1122 00:53:41,721 --> 00:53:44,791 [ Laughter ] 1123 00:53:44,824 --> 00:53:46,026 -The best. 1124 00:53:46,092 --> 00:53:48,094 -Coming up, Chelsea Handler 1125 00:53:48,161 --> 00:53:49,429 with a touching tribute to Joan. 1126 00:53:49,529 --> 00:53:51,464 -She was also a blonde Jew, 1127 00:53:51,498 --> 00:53:54,701 which is the third-rarest kind of Jew. 1128 00:53:54,734 --> 00:53:56,336 [ Laughter ] 1129 00:54:00,273 --> 00:54:02,175 -I want everyone to know about her 1130 00:54:02,208 --> 00:54:05,011 and what she dealt with being a female comedian 1131 00:54:05,045 --> 00:54:06,680 when she was a female comedian. 1132 00:54:06,746 --> 00:54:08,615 Going into those rooms when there were no women there. 1133 00:54:08,715 --> 00:54:10,750 Going into those rooms, dressing up. 1134 00:54:10,784 --> 00:54:13,353 Like she made comedy, you know, elegant. 1135 00:54:13,453 --> 00:54:14,921 Even though she was talking trash out of her mouth, 1136 00:54:14,988 --> 00:54:16,723 she was elegant about it. 1137 00:54:16,756 --> 00:54:18,792 She knocked opened so many doors so that the rest of us 1138 00:54:18,858 --> 00:54:20,226 were able to walk through. 1139 00:54:20,326 --> 00:54:23,930 And we have and will continue to. 1140 00:54:23,963 --> 00:54:26,099 -Please welcome Chelsea Handler. 1141 00:54:26,199 --> 00:54:29,336 [ Cheers and applause ] 1142 00:54:29,402 --> 00:54:34,341 -Good evening, everybody. 1143 00:54:34,407 --> 00:54:35,642 My name is Chelsea Handler, 1144 00:54:35,742 --> 00:54:38,411 and I am here to celebrate Joan Rivers 1145 00:54:38,478 --> 00:54:44,117 because she was a mother [bleep] ground-breaker. 1146 00:54:44,217 --> 00:54:45,752 When you're a woman doing stand-up 1147 00:54:45,785 --> 00:54:47,354 and you start to become successful, 1148 00:54:47,387 --> 00:54:48,955 you're often compared to Joan Rivers. 1149 00:54:49,022 --> 00:54:51,157 And I can say in my case, 1150 00:54:51,224 --> 00:54:53,827 that is a very accurate assessment. 1151 00:54:53,927 --> 00:54:55,762 We do have a lot in common. 1152 00:54:55,829 --> 00:54:58,732 For starters, she was also a blonde Jew, 1153 00:54:58,798 --> 00:55:01,901 which is the third-rarest kind of Jew. 1154 00:55:01,935 --> 00:55:03,703 [ Laughter ] 1155 00:55:03,803 --> 00:55:07,173 After uncircumcised rabbis and Tiffany Haddish. 1156 00:55:07,207 --> 00:55:10,377 [ Laughter ] 1157 00:55:10,443 --> 00:55:12,545 Joan was a force. 1158 00:55:12,645 --> 00:55:14,614 She was a stand-up comedian in a male-dominated industry, 1159 00:55:14,681 --> 00:55:18,651 and unfortunately, it is still a male-dominated industry. 1160 00:55:18,685 --> 00:55:20,854 And if it's hard being a female comedian today, 1161 00:55:20,954 --> 00:55:24,290 can you imagine how hard it was in the 1960s? 1162 00:55:24,391 --> 00:55:26,559 That was before we had Roe v. Wade, 1163 00:55:26,626 --> 00:55:28,561 and then we got Roe v. Wade, and then we lost Roe v. Wade. 1164 00:55:28,628 --> 00:55:31,264 So actually it's not that different. 1165 00:55:31,297 --> 00:55:33,233 But Joan did all of it for the love of comedy. 1166 00:55:33,333 --> 00:55:34,668 And she never apologized. 1167 00:55:34,768 --> 00:55:37,937 She once said, "Me apologizing for a joke 1168 00:55:37,971 --> 00:55:41,941 is like Taco Bell apologizing for giving you diarrhea. 1169 00:55:42,008 --> 00:55:45,578 We're both just doing our jobs." 1170 00:55:45,679 --> 00:55:48,314 She was the first woman to talk to audiences the way 1171 00:55:48,348 --> 00:55:50,350 that women actually talk to each other. 1172 00:55:50,417 --> 00:55:52,152 We weren't allowed to tell jokes 1173 00:55:52,185 --> 00:55:54,120 about sex or religion or our bodies. 1174 00:55:54,187 --> 00:55:57,657 And Joan wasn't allowed to either, but she did so anyway. 1175 00:55:57,757 --> 00:56:00,393 She was quick. She was smart. She was self-deprecating. 1176 00:56:00,460 --> 00:56:02,495 She once said, "I have no sex appeal. 1177 00:56:02,562 --> 00:56:05,365 My gynecologist examines me by telephone." 1178 00:56:05,398 --> 00:56:08,168 [ Laughter ] 1179 00:56:08,234 --> 00:56:09,869 If Joan didn't pave the way by talking 1180 00:56:09,903 --> 00:56:13,006 about sex and gynecologists and vaginas, 1181 00:56:13,073 --> 00:56:15,842 do you really think I could go on stage three nights a week 1182 00:56:15,875 --> 00:56:19,879 and talk about how much I love anal? 1183 00:56:19,946 --> 00:56:23,550 I'm kidding. I'm not really, though. 1184 00:56:23,650 --> 00:56:26,453 Joan was a pioneer for women in comedy, 1185 00:56:26,486 --> 00:56:31,224 and she walked so that we could run. 1186 00:56:31,324 --> 00:56:32,492 And let's talk about her late-night legacy. 1187 00:56:32,559 --> 00:56:35,295 In 1989, she became the first woman 1188 00:56:35,328 --> 00:56:37,397 to host a late-night talk show ever. 1189 00:56:37,497 --> 00:56:41,001 And she was the only woman in a male-dominated field. 1190 00:56:41,101 --> 00:56:45,372 And she opened the floodgates. Boy, did she ever. 1191 00:56:45,472 --> 00:56:48,575 It went so well that the second woman 1192 00:56:48,608 --> 00:56:50,443 to host a late-night talk show 1193 00:56:50,510 --> 00:56:54,381 was hired just 18 short years later. 1194 00:56:54,481 --> 00:56:55,582 And that's me. 1195 00:56:55,615 --> 00:57:00,754 [ Cheers and applause ] 1196 00:57:00,820 --> 00:57:02,722 And Joan, like all female trailblazers, 1197 00:57:02,756 --> 00:57:04,824 made it easier for all of us. 1198 00:57:04,924 --> 00:57:06,626 But when she was starting on her journey in comedy, 1199 00:57:06,693 --> 00:57:09,095 there was nobody to make it easier for her. 1200 00:57:09,162 --> 00:57:10,830 Do you know how hard it was 1201 00:57:10,897 --> 00:57:12,298 for Joan to get a spot doing stand-up on "The Tonight Show 1202 00:57:12,365 --> 00:57:14,234 with Johnny Carson," the kind of spot 1203 00:57:14,300 --> 00:57:17,937 that could literally change your life and career in an instant? 1204 00:57:18,004 --> 00:57:20,407 Even though she was well known as a joke writer, 1205 00:57:20,507 --> 00:57:23,710 the booker told her no over and over and over again 1206 00:57:23,810 --> 00:57:26,346 until she got a recommendation from peek a boo, 1207 00:57:26,379 --> 00:57:27,914 guess who, Bill Cosby. 1208 00:57:27,947 --> 00:57:30,083 [ Laughter ] 1209 00:57:30,183 --> 00:57:31,751 Because it doesn't matter 1210 00:57:31,785 --> 00:57:34,287 if you're a woman advocating for yourself. 1211 00:57:34,354 --> 00:57:36,423 You need someone to vouch for you. 1212 00:57:36,489 --> 00:57:39,893 Someone trustworthy 1213 00:57:39,993 --> 00:57:42,062 like Bill Cosby. 1214 00:57:42,095 --> 00:57:43,663 [ Laughter ] 1215 00:57:43,730 --> 00:57:46,800 Joan gave us license to be bold and to be brave. 1216 00:57:46,833 --> 00:57:49,002 She showed us how to work hard, how to succeed, 1217 00:57:49,069 --> 00:57:52,339 how to fail, how to pick ourselves back up, 1218 00:57:52,405 --> 00:57:55,575 work hard, succeed, and fail all over again. 1219 00:57:55,675 --> 00:57:57,777 And I think Joan said it best in this card 1220 00:57:57,811 --> 00:58:00,647 we found from her filing cabinet. 1221 00:58:00,680 --> 00:58:02,582 "All is fair in love and comedy, 1222 00:58:02,682 --> 00:58:04,517 and I feel the same way as most guys 1223 00:58:04,584 --> 00:58:06,519 when they see Chelsea Handler naked. 1224 00:58:06,586 --> 00:58:08,488 No hard feelings." 1225 00:58:08,521 --> 00:58:10,590 [ Laughter ] 1226 00:58:10,690 --> 00:58:14,194 [ Cheers and applause ] 1227 00:58:14,260 --> 00:58:18,098 My entire career I have been compared to Joan Rivers, 1228 00:58:18,164 --> 00:58:22,635 and all I can say is I should be so lucky. 1229 00:58:22,702 --> 00:58:25,538 -Please welcome Melissa Rivers. 1230 00:58:25,572 --> 00:58:29,009 [ Cheers and applause ] 1231 00:58:29,042 --> 00:58:38,852 ** 1232 00:58:38,918 --> 00:58:42,555 -So first of all, thank you all so, so very much. 1233 00:58:42,622 --> 00:58:46,493 This evening is -- it's bittersweet because on one hand, 1234 00:58:46,593 --> 00:58:50,597 I do wish my mother was still here to see all this, 1235 00:58:50,630 --> 00:58:53,166 but on the other hand, she'd be in her mid-90s 1236 00:58:53,199 --> 00:58:57,070 and all my free time would be dealing with caregivers, 1237 00:58:57,170 --> 00:58:59,806 canes, and, well, catheters. 1238 00:58:59,873 --> 00:59:02,442 In preparing for tonight's show, 1239 00:59:02,509 --> 00:59:05,912 I was going through some of my mother's old archival papers 1240 00:59:06,012 --> 00:59:08,481 and I found this. 1241 00:59:08,548 --> 00:59:11,518 [ Clears throat ] 1242 00:59:11,551 --> 00:59:13,153 Thank you. 1243 00:59:13,186 --> 00:59:14,821 "Dear Melissa, 1244 00:59:14,854 --> 00:59:18,458 if you are reading this, I am dead. 1245 00:59:18,558 --> 00:59:20,026 And given that I am dead, 1246 00:59:20,060 --> 00:59:24,864 I assume someone will finally decide to honor me. 1247 00:59:24,898 --> 00:59:26,566 Well, it's about [bleep] time." 1248 00:59:26,599 --> 00:59:29,436 [ Laughter ] 1249 00:59:29,502 --> 00:59:31,237 "Please share the enclosed note 1250 00:59:31,338 --> 00:59:35,575 with whatever random producer is producing this show. 1251 00:59:35,675 --> 00:59:39,045 Of course, I have a few suggestions to make it better. 1252 00:59:39,112 --> 00:59:43,550 Don't use any of those fun, candid family photos 1253 00:59:43,583 --> 00:59:46,619 where I'm not in full hair and makeup. 1254 00:59:46,653 --> 00:59:48,955 Backlighting, especially for the, 1255 00:59:49,055 --> 00:59:51,024 well, since I can't say ugly anymore, 1256 00:59:51,124 --> 00:59:52,792 let's call them 1257 00:59:52,892 --> 00:59:56,296 'the aesthetically challenged presenters.' 1258 00:59:56,363 --> 00:59:59,632 Make sure I come off looking good 1259 00:59:59,666 --> 01:00:03,203 as a comedian and as a mother. 1260 01:00:03,269 --> 01:00:05,271 None of that Joan Crawford 'Mommie Dearest' crap. 1261 01:00:05,305 --> 01:00:08,575 And for God's sakes, don't let Melissa pull that 1262 01:00:08,608 --> 01:00:12,212 Christina Crawford 'Mommie Dearest' crap. 1263 01:00:12,278 --> 01:00:15,982 I am so tired of her whining about that. 1264 01:00:16,016 --> 01:00:18,952 And lastly, have Melissa close the show. 1265 01:00:19,019 --> 01:00:21,287 She is much better at faking warmth, humility, 1266 01:00:21,388 --> 01:00:23,857 and gratitude than I ever was. 1267 01:00:23,957 --> 01:00:26,526 Thank you in advance, Joan Rivers." 1268 01:00:26,559 --> 01:00:30,096 [ Cheers and applause ] 1269 01:00:30,196 --> 01:00:32,966 I would love to sincerely thank everyone 1270 01:00:32,999 --> 01:00:35,135 for being here tonight to support my mother's 1271 01:00:35,168 --> 01:00:37,971 favorite charity, God's Love We Deliver, 1272 01:00:38,004 --> 01:00:41,675 which since 1985 has provided almost 40 million 1273 01:00:41,741 --> 01:00:44,544 medically tailored meals to New Yorkers 1274 01:00:44,577 --> 01:00:48,982 living with chronic illness, all for free. 1275 01:00:49,015 --> 01:00:51,785 [ Cheers and applause ] Exactly. 1276 01:00:51,851 --> 01:00:53,620 Some of you might notice that my mother loved 1277 01:00:53,720 --> 01:00:55,622 to make people laugh. 1278 01:00:55,722 --> 01:00:57,424 She once said, when you make people laugh, 1279 01:00:57,457 --> 01:00:59,659 you give them a mini vacation. 1280 01:00:59,726 --> 01:01:01,027 With all the challenging things 1281 01:01:01,127 --> 01:01:03,630 we have gone through in the past 10 years, 1282 01:01:03,697 --> 01:01:06,666 I truly from the bottom of my heart 1283 01:01:06,766 --> 01:01:11,071 hope you've all enjoyed this very much needed vacation. 1284 01:01:11,137 --> 01:01:13,073 Thank you. 1285 01:01:13,139 --> 01:01:16,076 -I would definitely love to see Joan come back 1286 01:01:16,142 --> 01:01:19,713 and roast the TikTokers in all their videos. 1287 01:01:19,779 --> 01:01:21,915 -I would implore a younger generation to go back 1288 01:01:21,948 --> 01:01:25,185 and just, like, Google Joan Rivers jokes 1289 01:01:25,251 --> 01:01:27,487 and laugh your asses off because it'll still work. 1290 01:01:27,587 --> 01:01:28,822 -"I was so fat in high school, 1291 01:01:28,855 --> 01:01:30,190 all the girls wore poodle skirts, 1292 01:01:30,290 --> 01:01:32,225 I wore a German Shepherd." 1293 01:01:32,258 --> 01:01:34,961 -I remember her talking about her having sex with Edgar 1294 01:01:35,028 --> 01:01:37,530 and being very kind of graphic. 1295 01:01:37,630 --> 01:01:39,265 -"Don't tell me Cher doesn't like them young. 1296 01:01:39,332 --> 01:01:43,103 She just bought a co-op in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood."