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So the beginning of comedy shows
can be kind of weird sometimes,
because you don't know if it'll be funny.
So I mean, if it's not, it could just be weird
and sad and tragic.
Hopefully it's not,
but my friend, before his shows, he's a musician,
he gathers the whole band, and they pray,
and I was backstage at one of his shows,
and I was just stealing granola bars for later,
and then he looked at me and he is like, Kevin,
will you lead us in prayer?
And I was like, like, now?
He's like, yeah, and I was like, yeah, God, hey,
I pray that the audience enjoys the show,
and the band does a good job,
and I pray that you have a good time,
and my friend looked at me, and he was like,
you just prayed, God would have a good time?
And then he walked on stage,
and then I went out to watch the show,
and my parents were there.
They're like, how's the band?
And I was like, they made fun of my prayer,
and I told my mom what I said,
and mom's always take their son's side.
She's like, well, I think that it's nice
that you were thinking about God's feelings.
So in honor of that, I'm, you know,
everyone bow their heads, please, close their eyes.
God, I pray that the audience enjoys the show
and finds it funny.
I pray that I'm funny.
That's important for a comedy show,
but more important than anything, you got a lot
of stuff on your plate punishing people
and rewarding people, kick back, relax,
and have a great time tonight, okay?
Amen. - Amen.
Yeah, is that the first comedy show you've been to
that started with a prayer, I think.
Yeah, did anybody get spanked growing up?
[Audience] Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I got spanked with a paddle growing up.
That was our that, and it's weird,
because I feel like in the fifties,
they just beat the shit outta kids.
There's just a belt, anything that was around,
they'd be like, (imitates beating) shut up, right?
And now, no one gets spanked.
I lived in this transitional period where we were spanked
with a paddle that had a cute little name.
Ours was called the attitude adjuster.
If we got in trouble, my dad would be like,
we're gonna get the attitude adjuster,
and I've talked to other people,
and they had paddles with names as well.
One person I talked to said theirs
was called the board of education,
and then I talked to another person,
and they had a paddle called, swear to God, mommy's hand.
It was in the shape of a hand,
and it said, mommy's hand on it,
and then their mom would take it and spank them.
I'm like, she has a hand that's a hat on a hat.
Just use mommy's regular hand, okay?
And now, none of those paddles are used to hit kids now.
Now they're all sold in BDSM shops
to spank adults with, right?
So if there's any kids that are still getting spanked
out there, this is how it will be the last time you
ever get spanked, all right?
If you do something wrong, your dad's like,
I'm gonna get the attitude adjuster.
It's gonna hurt, but you just focus,
you fight through the pain, and when your dad spanks you,
you just look back and say, oh,
have I been a naughty boy, daddy?
He'll be like, whoa, never doing that again, wow.
This family will use diplomacy henceforth for punishment.
I was always annoyed, because I don't know what happened
when my parents did something wrong.
They didn't get in trouble.
I caught my mom in a lie one time.
This is what happened.
I was on the baseball team,
and I was like, I don't wanna play on the team anymore,
and she's like, all right.
I'll call the coach.
So I quit the team, and the next day at school, I walked in,
and this one kid who was on the team was like,
hey, man, hope your shoulder's better.
Everybody's praying for you.
So I went home and asked my mom.
I'm like, what'd you tell the coach?
She's like, well, I told him that you injured your shoulder,
and I was like, why?
That's a lie, and she said, well,
it was the only way I could get the $75 fee back,
and I was like, so you lied?
That's wrong.
You're not supposed to lie, and my mom, she was like, Kevin,
there are bad lies and there aren't many,
but there are some good lies.
I'm like, mom, a good lie is like, no, officer,
there are no Jews in our basement.
Not my son injured his shoulders.
So can we have $75 back?
Yeah, I went to school for musical theater.
Are there any theater majors in the building, anybody?
(audience yips)
Got a few, right?
See, I wanted to study theater, serious acting,
and then they were like,
we will give you a scholarship if you study musical theater
instead of just regular theater, and I was like, all right.
So I went to school for musical theater, all right?
Because they said, we will pay you $15,000 a year
if you do musical theater.
So I was like, what does that mean?
And they're like, you take all the regular theater classes
and then on top of that you have to take dance classes
and singing lessons, and I was like, all right.
So I still get to take all the regular theater classes.
They're like, yeah.
I had to take dance classes.
I don't know if there's anyone in the room
who is not a dancer who has had to get in front of groups
of people and dance.
It's very vulnerable and very embarrassing, okay?
I was in this one class, jazz dance with Jody Welch.
She was a very strict teacher,
and I had to get a B or else I didn't pass
and then move on to the next year of school.
So I'm like practicing choreography and like,
and then I have to get up in front of 25 people
and do it alone.
So I'm just like, all right, step, ball, change,
step, ball, change, pirouette, shimmy, step, ball,
change practice, and watch this.
Look, look, I can do a pirouette, ready?
(audience cheers)
Yeah, I learned that in college, right?
So I had the pirouette down, I had the step, ball, change,
and then I got to the shimmy,
and then it's at the very end, right?
So I do the whole thing, da-da-da, pirouette, shimmy,
and this is my shimmy.
I just go up, and I'm like nailing it,
and my dance teacher just starts laughing like maniacally,
and I was like, what are you laughing at?
She's like, Kevin, a shimmy is this.
It's just shoulders.
Just relax.
It's just shoulders.
There's no arms, just shoulders.
I was like, all right.
She's like, do it one more time,
and she's like, had her grade book out,
and then I went, and I was like, step, ball, change, step,
ball, change, pirouette, shimmy.
I was like, am I doing it?
She's like, you're not doing it,
and I was like, she's just laughing.
The whole class is laughing.
I'm like, I never asked for this!
I wanna go to school for regular theater!
This was my favorite class.
My favorite class was the history of modern drama,
because we got to study all the great plays
throughout history.
It was awesome, starting like 3,000 years ago,
all the great tragedies, all the great comedies.
It was wonderful.
Gotta take a sip of water.
I shimmied too hard.
I shimmied too close to the sun, people.
(clears throat) One more.
So we read this book by Plato, the philosopher,
and it was... (audience laughs)
What, is that funny?
He's a philosopher, right?
Okay, so in drama school, in drama school,
we read Plato, the philosopher, and he talked about, Plato.
Am I saying Play-doh instead?
Is that what, okay, so in it,
he talks about the origins of comedy.
3,000 years ago, Plato said this about comedy.
Comedy was developed in Athens at the Fallas festivals.
These are festivals where men got up
and made jokes about their penis.
3,000, dude, standup is usually just guys
on stage talking about their dick.
3,000 years, no development in comedy.
Still the same old shit, okay?
Then he spends the rest of the book talking about tragedy
and where tragedy came from and the nature of it.
So we were reading that, we were talking about it,
and then we read all of Shakespeare's tragedies,
and I don't wanna spoil anything,
but do you guys know how tragedies end?
Yeah, everybody dies.
Every time, everybody dies, and like Elizabeth in times,
they're like, I wonder what's gonna happen to King Lear?
And they're like, I fucking know already, right?
So, but they don't die for just random reasons.
No, they die because the lead character has a tragic flaw,
Something that leads to their demise
and the demise of everyone around them.
For example, Macbeth, he wants to be king.
He's very ambitious, and he is so ambitious,
'cause he wants to be king so bad that, what happens?
He dies and everyone else dies,
and then you leave the theater.
You're like, not gonna be so ambitious, you know?
Gotta watch out.
Othello, Othello is jealous.
He loves Desdemona so much, but then he gets jealous,
and what happens to Desdemona?
She dies and he dies and everyone else dies.
So better not be so jealous.
Hamlet, the greatest play ever written,
Shakespeare's greatest tragedy.
What is Hamlet's tragic flaw?
Does anyone know?
This is in our textbook.
Hamlet's tragic flaw was procrastination.
Procrastination, oh yes, the great tragic flaws.
Ambition, jealousy, and waiting a little bit.
That's it, procrastination?
This is how my mind thinks.
Literally I read that play, and then we talked about that,
and anytime like I wake up in the morning,
I hit the snooze button, I'm like, I'm going back.
It's a little hamlet of you, huh?
I don't know.
This is what happens.
Hamlet's uncle kills his dad, and then Hamlet is supposed
to take revenge and kill his uncle, but instead,
he's like to be or not to be, that his the question,
and they're like, come on.
Stop with this beautiful language.
You're supposed to be murdering your uncle right now,
and then what happens to Hamlet?
He dies and everyone else dies, but guess what?
Macbeth was a shitty dude.
Hamlet was a good guy.
Isn't that fucked up?
That made me so mad.
All right, here's some real, real tragedies in real life.
These people didn't deserve what happened, okay?
This really happened.
There's this guy who saw a Picasso painting
when he was young, and he said,
I wanna own that painting one day,
and so he became a billionaire,
and then he purchased the painting, and not only that,
but he made the most expensive show
in Las Vegas history all about this painting
that he loved called Le Reve the Dream,
and then someone came up to him and said,
I wanna buy this painting off you for $150 million,
the most expensive private art sale
in the history of humankind.
So he gets the painting out for one last time
to look at it and observe it.
He brings up some of his friends,
and he says, here is my painting, and then he turns around,
and he puts his elbow through the painting, yeah.
Now, what was his tragic flaw?
Maybe, ooh, maybe he was drinking.
Maybe if it was a play,
you'd see him drinking the whole time,
and you'd be like, this is gonna come back
to bite you in the butt, guy, okay?
And then he's drunk, and he puts his arm through.
That would be pretty good, right?
No, he wasn't drunk.
He was completely sober.
His tragic flaw is that he was blind.
He had a degenerative eye disease called Retinitis
pigmentosa, and he lost his sight over the course
of his life, and so he couldn't see anymore,
and then he destroyed the painting that he loved.
That's so tragic, because it's funny.
You know what I mean?
That's funny, and if that seems mean, don't worry.
He's not gonna see this, okay?
Even if he buys a ticket and sits in the front row,
he's not gonna see this, okay?
This is way more sad.
If you think that sad.
This next one, way more sad.
I came home from school.
I'm watching Dr. Phil.
I'm watching Dr. Phil give some of his classic tough love.
Hey, man, you gotta get your life together.
Come on, right?
And then this couple is on,
and this couple is happily married.
They love each other very much,
but then they got some information that made them,
is affecting their marriage,
and they don't know what to do with it.
So they go on Dr. Phil, and they start describing
that they looked into their family history,
and they found out that they were separated at birth,
and they were actually brother and sister.
[Audience] Oh no.
Yeah, that's just sad.
That's so tragic.
The only thing that's funny about that
is that they chose to go on Dr. Phil for advice.
Like what is Dr. Phil going to tell them
that's gonna change that?
You're just like, hey, man, come on.
You gotta communicate with your wife, I mean, your sister.
What the fuck is going on right now?
Why are you guys on national television?
You divorce quietly, you don't tell a soul,
and you live with the fact that this is a broken,
fallen, sad world that we live in.
We're gonna go to commercial.
We'll see you later, okay.
Incest, accidental incest,
it's happened to the best of us, you know?
It's really the second worst type of incest,
accidental incest.
Number one being purposeful incest, but it's a close second.
That's what I'm, that's what, oh, does this offend you?
No, I'm kidding.
She's like, hey, I'm married to my brother
and everything's perfect.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just joking.
All right, so does anyone know the very first great
tragedy, anybody?
I'll give you a hint.
It has to do with incest.
- Oedipus? - Oedipus, you got it.
Oedipus, written by sophoclese, yes.
Now here's the plot of Oedipus.
It was written 3,000 years ago, long time ago,
and Oedipus is the king, and this oracle comes out,
and he's just like, Hey, Oedipus,
you are going to kill your father and marry your mother,
and he's like, what?
I don't wanna do that, and so he goes to a new town
and then he grows up, and then as he's an adult,
he goes to another town.
He's walking down the street, and this guy gets in a fight,
and then he kills the guy by accident,
but he kills him, right?
Then he gets to a new town, and he's like, this girl's cute,
and they get married and then the oracle pops out.
He's like, ha ha, that was your father
and this is your mother, and he's like, ah, I did it, shit!
This is not part of the show.
But this is him stabbing his eyes out,
not jerking off two dicks and cumming all over himself.
Did anybody think that besides me?
[Audience Member] Oh yeah.
Okay, thank God.
I just, I'm sorry. Jeremy.
Jeremy, my cinematographer, was like,
I love that this show doesn't have any dick jokes.
That was not on purpose.
Okay, so we're focused, we're focused, we're focused.
Okay, so he stabs his eyes out, right?
But here's the thing.
What better reason is there to go to a different town
and avoid your fate than if someone was like,
you're gonna kill your father and marry your mother?
He's like, I gotta do something about this.
I gotta take action.
So he takes action, and by taking action,
he sets his fate into motion, right?
And what is his tragic flaw?
Pride, what's what they say.
It's pride, the pride to think that you can outrun the fate
which was given to you by the gods.
That's fucked up.
Do you know what Oedipus needed to do?
Procrastinate, if only he would've procrastinated,
this would've never happened.
They're like, you're gonna kill your father.
He is like, I gotta get out of this town,
but I don't know, I have to find a new apartment.
This girl's so cute.
We relate on so many different levels.
I should ask her out.
I'll do it tomorrow.
He would've been saved.
So if you procrastinate and don't do anything,
you're fucked.
If you take action and do stuff, you're fucked.
You gotta find the perfect middle, right in the middle.
That's where life is sweet, okay?
But Oedipus' plot is like, it's so weird,
that if you take out the violence,
it almost just feels like a 90's sitcom.
It's like the one where Joey marries his mom.
Jerry, Jerry, she's very perfect.
I love her very much.
It's just one problem.
What's the problem?
Is it a big problem?
Very big, very big problem.
How I met your mother?
I was talking to someone.
Someone said that I was pretentious, okay?
Could you have told from the past 10 minutes of my comedy?
Yeah, they said I was pretentious,
because this was the question.
We were just at a bar, and he was like,
what is your favorite thing in all of art, anything ever?
I was like, I don't get the question.
He's like, like mine.
Mine is key changes.
In a song, there's a key change.
That's my favorite thing.
Then the other person is like, my favorite thing,
I gotta say it.
It's car chase.
An action movie with car chases,
that's like what gets my soul singing, okay?
Mine, I said, I gotta be honest.
I think mine is when they say the name of a play
in the play.
They were like, that's the most pretentious thing I've ever
heard, and I was like, but it's true.
I love it.
When it happens, I get so happy, okay, like here's one.
All My Sons, it's an Arthur Miller play, okay?
And it's called All My Sons, and it's about this guy
who cuts a bunch of corners in this factory
with the plane parts, and then the plane parts go
into these planes, and then a bunch of planes go down
with these young pilots in them, and all the kids die, okay?
And then over the course of the play,
the lead character realizes and reckons with the fact
that it was his cutting corners in the factory
that led to their deaths, and he just looks out and he says,
those boys, they were all my sons,
and I'm like, that's the name of the play!
That's fucking awesome!
Streetcar Named Desire, in Streetcar Named Desire,
Tennessee Williams play, Blanche Dubois moved
from a different town down to New Orleans, okay?
And then her first line in the play,
they're like, how'd you get down here?
And she just says the real directions to
how she would've gotten down there, even in real life.
She just says, I took the streetcar named Desire,
got off on Cemetery, got off at Elysian Fields.
You're like, huh, that's funny.
That's the name of the play.
It must be important, and then later, you realize,
streetcar named Desire, cemetery,
Elysian Fields, she's gonna die.
This is gonna lead to her death, and then guess what?
It's a tragic ending.
You're like, that was fucking awesome, yes!
He told me right up top!
That's two layers, two layers!
Have you guys ever tried to write something with two layers?
Have you ever written an email and like,
you can't even get it out.
You're just like, hi, Brian.
I wanted to inquire about, how are you doing?
Hope that, that's one layer.
I can't even write an email with one layer half the time.
I wanna write something with two layers.
Have you ever seen someone so excited about metaphors?
I'm just like, yes, I love a simile, but a metaphor.
Get the like in the ass out!
I want it all!
All right, this is the triple lutz of theater.
It's very hard to do.
It could only be done maybe by one person, Eugene O'Neill.
Okay, that is, when you say the name of the play
as the last line of the play, slow fade to black.
Very difficult, okay?
But Eugene O'Neill died.
He left a script in his will and testament,
and it said it's dedicated to his wife.
It was too painful for him to see during his lifetime,
'cause it's about his mother's morphine addiction,
and it's about his brother's alcoholism
and his strained relationship with his father,
and it's four and a half hours long,
and they put it up, and it became his masterpiece,
and at the end of the play, his mother's at the edge
of the stage, and she says,
surely this was a long day's journey in to night.
(audience applauds)
That's not how the play ends, actually.
They actually never say long day's journey into night
in Long Day's Journey into Night.
So I misled you, I apologize.
I just needed a third thing to end that joke.
So I made it up, but this is true, this is true.
I'm just saying like, I wanna do serious, serious stuff.
There was a whole first half.
That's all comedy and everything, but I want to do tragedy,
serious theater, but gotta do comedy, you know?
That's what I do.
I got a motorcycle a few years ago.
I made this decision the way I make a lot of decisions,
just very quickly without thinking.
I just walked past some people that had motorcycles
and I was like, I'm getting a fucking motorcycle!
So I went home, I got on Facebook Marketplace,
and then I got it, and then the next day,
I borrowed my friend's car, and he drove out with me,
and we bought the motorcycle with cash,
and then he rode it back, 'cause he knows how to ride it.
We go right to Red Hook, Brooklyn, and then I'm in shorts,
and I don't have a helmet yet,
but I just wanna like feel what it feels like to get on.
I sat on there, and I was like,
I got a motorcycle, (imitates engine rev) you know?
And then he showed me the clutch,
and he showed me the brake, the throttle,
and how to put it into gear, and then by accident,
I put it into first gear, and it just jerked forward,
and I was like, ah, ah, and I almost fell over.
My friend ran up.
He's like, you're okay?
And I was like, I own a fucking motorcycle.
Why did I buy a motorcycle?
This is not good.
Why do I own this?
And he is like, okay, okay, okay.
You need to take this class in Long Island, okay?
And they're gonna teach you how to ride,
and it's five days long.
It's 10 hours a day, and by the end,
you're gonna feel good on it.
So that next week, I drove out to Long Island to this class
that was taught by these five very mean lesbians.
Now you could just look at them
and know that they did not like men, okay?
And they never wanted to see men again in their life,
and then they started this motorcycle school,
and then they realized
that the only people they're ever gonna teach are men 25
to age 39 that are trying to impress girls, okay?
So first day of class, lady's like, all right, guys!
So you wanna impress some girls?
Well, I got a question for you.
How impressive is it to be dead?
We're like, what?
She's like, answer me.
How impressive is it to be dead?
I was like, not very impressive.
Not very impressive, is it?
Actually a lot of girls are looking for guys
that are breathing.
So you all need to be atgatt.
I was like, what are you talking about?
She's like, atgatt!
We're like, do you have something in your throat?
She's like, all the gear all the time.
You all need to be wearing all the gear all the time.
You are wearing shorts.
You are an idiot.
All right, we're going inside class day.
Everything is written.
Okay, so we went inside.
We just did a bunch of answers on that.
Then after class is done,
I go straight to the motorcycle shop
to get all this gear, right?
And I get these jeans that are made of Kevlar,
Kevlar jeans with big padding.
Then I got a big jacket, and I got leather gloves
with big knuckle protectors on 'em, and I got a MIPS helmet.
I didn't know what that meant.
They're like, would you like a MIPS helmet?
And I was like, what's that mean?
They're like multi-directional impact protection system.
I was like, gimme MIPS.
Next day, I went to class.
I was wearing all my gear, right?
I was the only one there that had gotten any other gear.
All the rest of the guys are just like,
all right, look, let's move things along,
and I was sitting there, I was like,
I don't wanna impress a girl.
I wanna be safe.
That's the most impressive thing.
I would like to breathe for a girl one day.
So the rest of the time, we do all of these exercises
to learn how to turn, to learn how to shift,
to learn how to weave in and out of traffic safely
if you feel in danger, and by the end of the week,
it was true.
I felt so safe, and the woman who taught the class,
she said, you know what?
She said, the safer that you feel on this bike,
the more fun it is, okay?
And then at the end of class,
you could tell she still hated everybody else.
Because I was atgatt, she liked me.
Everyone else was leaving.
She was like, bye bye.
Then she got to me and she put her hand out.
She said, Kevin, welcome to the road.
I was like, I'll see you out there.
So then I had to get insurance for my motorcycle
and for my safety, and I've lived in New York for 14 years.
So I've never had insurance for anything.
I don't own a car.
So I didn't know like what to do, and then you're just going
through your Rolodex of commercials.
You're just like, okay,
like do I go with the Aflac Duck Aflac?
Or you're like, Allstate.
They're like, Allstate, you're in good hands,
or like, we'll protect you from mayhem,
♪ or like a good neighbor, ♪
♪ State Farm is there. ♪ - State Farm is there.
Musical theater.
So I went with Geico, okay?
I went with Geico, because I just remembered the gecko.
I was like the Geico gecko, I'll go with Geico.
I always thought that the gecko was weird,
because he's from East London.
They're not native to that part of the world.
It's just like, oh, I'm a gecko from East London, right?
You got 15% off, could save you more
on your car insurance, right?
But he has that accent
that just makes me think he's gonna say the C word,
because in East London, they say cunt all the time.
They just say the C word all the time, right?
So I just imagine in a Geico commercial
and be like, oh, you should get insurance,
you daft cunt, all right?
Come on over, save 15% or more off, you daft cunt, right?
Because in America, the C word is just the worst thing
that you can call a woman, but in England,
it's like calling someone a silly goose, right?
All right, so I call up the people at Geico,
and this lady is very, very nice,
and she helps me with everything.
She's like, I'm gonna make sure that you are fully covered,
and she walks me through step by step,
and then she was like, I have a question, Kevin.
Do you happen to have a MIPS helmet?
And I was like, in fact, I do.
She's like, have you taken any classes that would help
with motorcycle safety?
And I was like, in fact, I have.
She's like, well, you were fully covered,
and I've actually gotten a few percentage points
off your total rate
because you've taken these safety measures,
and I was like, thank you very much.
Then she told me the amount and it was so cheap.
I was like, this is way cheaper than I thought it'd be.
I was like, Why is motorcycle insurance so cheap?
This is like very affordable, and she said, well,
a lot of times with motorcycle policies,
we don't have to pay out for medical expenses.
I was like, that's crazy.
I would think that if you got in a motorcycle accident,
there'd be a lot of medical expenses,
and she said, in fact, a lot of times,
if you're in a motorcycle accident,
there are no medical expenses, and I was like, what?
And then it dawned on me, and I was like,
even if you're atgatt?
She's like, even if you're atgatt.
So that worried me a little bit,
but she told me I'm fully covered,
and I took all the necessary steps to be safe,
and so I went about riding my motorcycle.
The first thing I did when I got my motorcycle,
I took a picture with it,
and what did I do with the picture?
[Audience Member 2] Instagram.
I put it on a dating profile!
Come on, why'd I get this thing?
To I press girls!
So I put it on my dating profile, and a few days later,
I get a like.
A girl is like, pretty cool motorcycle,
and I was like, thank you.
So then I looked through her profile to be able to respond,
because you don't wanna just say like, thanks, what's up?
You look at something in their profile to respond to.
So I looked through hers...
(phone rings)
Come on, dude.
This is my fucking art, dude.
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I'm totally kidding, I'm totally kidding.
- Sorry. - Can we answer it?
[Audience Member 3] Yeah, sure.
I think that's ample punishment.
Who is it?
Hey, what's up, Mario?
[Mario] Hey, I'm sorry to bother you.
I wanted to know if the representative,
I thought that you just replaced whatever
(speaker drowned out by laughter)
Is what's your name?
[Toby] Toby.
Is Toby a good employee?
[Mario] I'm not his boss.
I'm a comedian, and I'm on stage at a comedy show,
and his cell phone went off, and so I answered the phone.
So you can say whatever you want about it,
and there's like 50 people in a room that will hear it.
What do you want to tell us about Toby?
[Mario] I was really just calling him
because he's my Spirits representative,
and I need an answer from him about a tasting
that we had here tonight.
Toby, would you like to answer the question?
One more time real quick.
[Mario] Do you want me to ask the question?
No, actually, I gotta go.
I have like other, I have stuff in the show.
I have to cover.
Wait, I have a question.
Do you think motorcycles are cool?
[Mario] I love motorcycles.
Yeah, they're cool.
Hell yeah. (audience applauds)
Looks like I'm going on a date with Mario.
See, I'm glad it went on.
That was more fun.
So that was awesome.
All right, so I'm looking through this girl's profile, okay?
And I need something to respond to,
and she had it in her profile, things that she likes.
She said, I like guys with a sense of humor
and the band, The National, okay?
I was like, I'm a comedian
and I'm a 37-year-old bearded hipster
who lives in Brooklyn, New York.
Oh, you know I like The National.
They're just like the saddest hipster band ever,
and they've always been my favorite band.
So I'm like, hey, I'm a comedian
and also, I love The National.
Have you heard this song?
I sent her this song, okay,
that's not on any of their albums.
It's on this obscure EP, and then she responded.
She was like, I've never even heard this song.
This is amazing.
Then we banter back and forth band.
We set up a time to go on a date.
Now I'm excited about this date,
because the banter's so good.
There's just one thing is that there are no pictures
of her face in her profile.
[Audience] Oh.
Yeah, so like a lot of people have deal breakers.
My deal breaker is I would like the girl to have a face.
I'd prefer to vet it, but we're just starting bare minimum
that you got one, but this is how good the banter,
the banter was so good that I was like, you know what?
Wednesday next week, I'm free.
We will see what happens, right?
So we set up the date.
I am walking towards the bar,
and there's this girl that's standing out front that,
first thought, I'm like, she looks like Emelie,
the movie Emelie.
Do you remember Emelie?
[Audience] Yeah.
Yeah, so I saw Emelie when I was in high school,
and I remember before I even thought I like this movie,
I was like, I like Emelie.
One day, I would like to go out with Emelie, All right?
And then I was like there's this Emelie outside,
and then I hope my date looks as good as Emelie does,
'cause she was very cute, and then she was like, Kevin?
I was like, this is my date, and she has an accent.
I couldn't place it, but she was like,
it's so great to meet you in person.
I was like, oh, hi.
Kevin, great to meet you, and I was like,
it's like Middle Eastern Emelie or something.
So we walk inside, we get a drink, and then we go sit down,
and she's like, so you are a comedian?
How's that going?
I was like, it's going great.
She was like, a lot of comedians have podcasts.
Do you have a podcast?
I was like, I've never even heard of a podcast,
and I was like, do you have any favorite comedians?
And she said, oh, I, there's my favorite comedian
that I found on YouTube was named Norm McDonald,
and I was like, she looks like Emelie,
She's got an accent, and she has good taste.
God, she has good taste.
I was like, oh, I just need to get to a second date.
That's what I'm focused on the whole time,
just get to a second date, okay,
bobbing and weaving in the questions.
We're just chatting, good conversation.
She's like, Kevin, it's almost Christmas in New York.
We should do some Christmasy things,
and I was like, oh, I know Christmasy things.
There's this neighborhood in Brooklyn called Ditmus Park,
and they had these mansions,
and they covered them all in Christmas lights.
We should go there.
She said, that sounds wonderful.
So the next week, we met up,
and they had hot chocolate trucks.
We got hot chocolate, and then we're walking around looking
at all the Christmas lights, and I'm in my head,
I'm just like, I am in a fucking Nora Ephron film right now.
This is act one of a Nora Ephron film.
This is awesome, and then at the end of the day,
she was like, Kevin, we should go to the cinema,
and I was like, she calls it the cinema.
So we went and saw a movie.
The movie's great.
It's a romantic film, and then we walk out,
and what is it doing in Manhattan?
- Snowing. - It's snowing!
Come on!
What do I do?
- Kiss her. - I kiss her!
(audience applauds)
We go to a bar.
After we have a drink, we're talking.
The conversation's wonderful, and then we just make out
in the corner bar the entire night.
It's wonderful, okay?
We were that couple that night and it was fine,
and then I was like, my parents are getting into town.
So we should make plans for after they leave,
but I won't see you for about a week,
and she's like, okay, that's fine,
and I was like...
[Audience Member 4] Oh no.
I know, shut up.
I just said, I said, listen,
my parents are very cool people.
If you want, you are welcome to like, come hang out
with them if you'd like, and she's like,
that is a little much, but you know, of course.
I was like, I know.
I'm just throwing it out there, okay?
So then I'm with my parents at Rockefeller Center,
and we're taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree,
and then I get a text.
I look at the text, it said, hey, Kevin,
I don't know really anyone else in New York
and I'm kind of lonely, and if the offer's still
on the table, I would love to have dinner with you
and your parents, and I was like, come on over.
She came to Rockefeller Center Christmas tree,
met us there, met my parents,
and then we were about to go to dinner,
and my mom is just like, you guys should get pictures
in front of the Christmas tree.
I'm like, shut up, shut up!
This is already weird!
It's already, fucking shh.
She's like, let's take a picture.
So we took a picture, and then we went on over to dinner,
and at dinner, we were all having a wonderful conversation.
She was telling my parents about the country that she's from
and my parents were asking questions,
and it was just a lovely, lovely evening.
At the end, my parents picked up the bill,
and she was like, so like over the touch.
She was like, no, no, no, no, no.
I would love, we were like, don't worry about it.
We have a great night.
My parents pick up the bill, and then my parents leave.
A few days later, it's Christmas Eve,
and I'm getting dressed, 'cause I'm gonna go to church,
okay, on Christmas Eve, and I get a text from her that says,
what are you doing on Christmas Eve?
And I was like, I'm going to church,
and she was like, I've never been to to church before.
May I come?
And I was like, it's this beautiful church from like 1850.
We're doing candlelight.
Put a dress on, let's go.
So we meet at church, we beautiful service.
Afterwards, we go get dinner, and at the end,
we have a really nice dinner.
She's like, I would like to pay,
because your parents were so kind,
and I was like, you don't have to, but thanks.
She's like, of course.
She puts her card down, then the waiter comes back
and is like, I'm very sorry.
Your card has been declined.
I was like, not a big deal, and she was like, I'm so sorry.
She was like devastated.
She was like, I would like to pay you back.
I'm so sorry.
I was like, don't worry about it.
Pay the bill, and then she's like, what do you doing now?
I was like, I'm going back to my apartment.
She's like, may I come with you?
And I was like, yes, you may,
and we got back to my apartment,
and I had a small little charlie brown-looking Christmas
tree, and under it, I had some gifts from some friends
and some other people, and I had a gift for her.
I know.
I was like, nothing too crazy, okay?
It was socks and a candle, very functional, you know?
I was like, these aren't romantic.
This just smells nice
and everybody needs a good pair of socks.
You mean nothing more to me.
You're just another person that I would like
to have nice socks.
All right, pleasure, and then after she opened it,
she was like, I got a gift for you as well,
and I was like, really?
She handed it to me, and she got me a watch.
I was like, thank you so much.
She was like, I noticed that you wear these different
watches, and I wanted you to have another one from me,
and I was like, I was taken aback,
and then clock struck midnight.
So it's Christmas day, and we celebrated Christmas together
by having so much sex.
My stamina that evening was truly a Christmas miracle.
It was a gift from the Almighty who was born that day.
We woke up the next day, and then she was like,
can I use your computer?
I was like, yeah, of course.
She got on our computer, and she went to this website
that looked like it was made in 1989.
It was like the oldest website I've ever seen,
and she was like, I want to pay you back for dinner.
So this is my bank and I'm going to transfer it in,
and so she was like, I need your banking account number
and your routing number, and so I gave it to her
and then she transferred like $150 into my bank account,
and yeah, went in within like a day.
Now it's New Year's,
and I'm gonna be gone for like a week and a half.
So I tell her, I was like, I'm gonna be gone.
I can't wait to see you in the new year.
We leave, and then the new year comes,
and we're going to get lunch.
We're at lunch, and she seems kind of down,
and I was like, is everything okay?
And she's like, well, I found out
that my visa didn't go through.
So I'm gonna have to leave the country
in the next like week unless I can figure out a way
to get the green card, and I was like, babe,
I can get you a green card.
I mean, I can get you a green card if you need a,
I know, that's great.
I'm just saying if you want a green card,
and she's like, no, no, no.
Not that, not that.
I know some people in my country
and I know other people who have done this,
and they will find you a husband,
and you don't have to live with a husband.
You just have to get a cell phone plan with them,
and every month, you have to take pictures doing different
things around the city and with different families to show
that you have a life together, and you do that
and every month for a few years,
and then you have an interview with the immigration officer
and then after that, you don't have to talk
to them ever again, and I was like, well,
why don't you do it?
Is it safe?
She's like, it's totally safe.
The only thing is it costs $15,000,
and my bank account is really messed up.
So I can't get access to my money,
and so could I borrow $15,000?
And I was like, all of a sudden, like Middle Eastern Emelie
was looking suspiciously like a Nigerian prince
from my email.
Piecing the things together, and then I was like,
I just need to ask,
like how do I know I'm gonna get it back?
And she's like, I know it's crazy, but you can trust me.
I'll get it back to you, and I was like, okay,
the only problem is I don't have $15,000.
I probably should have said that first
before getting your hopes up, but I do have $9,000,
and my parents have $6,000,
and so I got on the phone with my mom,
and I said, do you remember
that girl from two weeks ago at dinner?
And she said, yeah, she was lovely.
How's she doing?
I was like, she's doing great.
She needs $15,000, and I would like to borrow 6,000
from you, and my mom said, Kevin,
this does not sound like the wisest decision,
and I was like, oh,
I assure you it is not the wisest decision,
but I think I'm gonna do it,
and she was like, okay, well, under two conditions,
and I was like, what are they?
She said, first you have to pay us
back no matter what happens.
If you don't get this money back,
you have to pay us back $6,000.
I was like, okay, I get that.
Of course, of course.
She said, and number two,
you are not to tell your father about this.
So she transfers $6,000 into my bank account,
and I go to Chase Bank and I get out $15,000.
Now I don't know if you've ever gotten $15,000
out of a bank, but the bank teller looks at you like,
what the fuck are you up to?
Because I know it's nothing good or legal.
They don't say that with words.
They say it with their eyes
as they're counting all the money,
and then she gives me the money, and I put it in my jacket,
and I don't know if you've ever walked around the city
with $15,000 in your pocket,
but the life becomes an action film.
You're just walking out, just being like,
All of a sudden you're in The Bourne Identity, okay?
And then I have to go to a ring shop,
because I have to purchase two
of the cheapest wedding bands they have.
They have steel wedding bands for $25 a piece.
I buy those.
Then a few days later, I wake up at seven in the morning
and I go pick her up at a corner in Manhattan,
and we go over to New Jersey right on the water,
and we pull up, and there's like seven people there, okay?
There's like a lawyer, big guy,
there's like three men I can only think to describe them
as henchman, and there is a driver,
and there is the wedding officiant,
and there is the husband, and we pull up, and we walk out,
and everybody is playing their part.
Like everybody is in character.
When I get out, the lawyer's like,
what a wonderful time to have a wedding 8:30 in the morning
on a Monday, and then they go over,
and the wedding officiant is saying all of their vows,
and they say, I do, and then they have a very awkward,
friendly-looking kiss, and they pull back,
and for those of you that know me
and are keeping track of my career, yes,
this is the second wedding that I've paid for
that does not end in me getting married.
So then she comes up and she's like, can I have the money?
And she takes all of the money,
and she gives $5,000 to the lawyer
and a thousand dollars to the three henchmen,
a thousand dollars to the driver
and a thousand dollars to the (mumbles)
and the rest to the husband, and then the lawyer,
who seems to be the boss of everything is like,
we all know what time it is now.
Time for the reception, and then we all pile in a car,
and we go to a diner in New Jersey
and have cold omelets and bad coffee.
We just sit there, and then we're talking,
and they're taking pictures and saying, it's so lovely.
You get to stay in this country now,
and you have a beautiful marriage,
and then she pays the bill with the rest of my money,
and then she's like, thank you so much.
She's like, I have to do some more paperwork with them.
So you can go back to the city, and I'll talk to you later,
and I get in the car, and I drive through Manhattan
and back to Brooklyn, and I get back to my apartment,
and I'm like, what the fuck did you just do?
What did you just do on Monday from seven in the morning
until 11 o'clock?
That was crazy, and then I got a text from her
that just said, thank you so much.
I don't think I could have got through today
without you there, and I was like, okay, cool.
So the next day, I text her, and I was like, hey,
do you wanna get together?
How'd everything go?
She said, everything went fine.
I'm really busy the next few days,
and I was like, all right.
Then a few days go by, and I check in,
'cause I wanna play it cool, you know?
And I'm just like, hey, how's everything going?
Do you wanna do something?
And she was like, I'm still really busy,
like maybe later next week we could get together,
and I was like, okay, and then a few days went by,
and I'm playing it cool, but inside,
my heart is like racing day to day,
wondering what my next move should be,
and so I just text her, and I'm like, what are you up to?
And she's like, would you like to go to a movie?
And I was like, yes, let's do it,
and she's like, well, the cinema is playing this musical.
It's by The National.
I was like, that makes no sense.
The band, The National, is just a sad indie band,
and they wouldn't ever write a musical,
but I was like, sure, yes, I'd love to.
I would love to, and then we show up,
and we go see this movie.
It's a musical version of Cyrano de Bergerac,
and we're watching the whole movie,
and I'm like, oh my gosh.
We studied this play when I was in college
in that class that I told you about earlier.
We studied Cyrano de Bergerac,
and what's interesting about Cyrano de Bergerac
is that they can't really classify it as a comedy
or a tragedy.
They actually classify it as a romantic tragedy
or a heroic comedy, 'cause it has elements of both,
and I'm watching it and in it,
Cyrano de Bergerac does not end up with the girl.
Actually, he aids another guy in getting married to a girl.
I was watching it just being like, this is insane.
I'm working on getting better at just com,
'cause people after shows are just like, well,
how much of this is real?
This is real!
The National wrote a musical of Cyrano de Bergerac,
and she invited me to go see it, and it's about that.
So after it's done, I was like, do you want to come over?
And she was like, let's get a drink.
So we went and got a drink, and we talked about the movie,
and we both really enjoyed it.
It was odd and interesting but ultimately really good,
and I was like, do you wanna come over to my place?
And she's like, I'm very stressed.
I'd like to go home.
So she went home, and then I'm on the subway ride home,
and then I get off a stop early,
and I go to my motorcycle garage,
'cause it's January, and it's a little bit, you know,
it's not too chilly out.
So I get on all my gear, I get on my bike,
and I'm riding around the city just thinking
about the situation that I'm in,
and then it just dawns on me.
I'm like, you know what?
I am never gonna talk to this girl again.
You wanna know how I knew?
Because at the end of Cyrano de Bergerac,
he spends the whole play helping another character.
He's in love with this woman.
He helps another character fall in love
and get married to her, and he doesn't end up with her.
That's why it's so tragic,
and then what happens to him at the end?
He dies!
It's a tragedy,
but it's a funny tragedy!
I'm like, there's no way.
I'm never gonna talk to this girl again.
I need to, I need to talk to her
and just figure out what is going on tomorrow.
That's the first thing.
Ask about the money, ask why it's weird lately,
and I was like, I don't wanna go back to my garage.
I go and I park my bike right in front of my apartment,
and I go upstairs and I crash,
and the next day, I wake up to go back downstairs
and take my bike back to my garage and my bike is not there.
So I go across the street to the restaurant,
and I was like, you have security footage of this?
And they're like, yeah, yeah, of course,
and I looked, and two hours after I parked my bike,
four guys in black hoodies came up,
and they lifted up the bike, they unlocked the wheel lock,
and they pushed it away onto a truck, and it drove away.
So my bike was stolen.
So I called up the NYPD, and I was like, my bike is stolen.
I showed them the video.
I was like, I have the video, and they're like, yeah, yeah,
yeah, it was stolen.
I was like, am I gonna get it back?
And they're like, yeah, probably not.
I was like, is there anything I can do?
He is like, listen, okay, I will fill out your report,
and we will do everything that we can,
but I just have to be honest with you.
The only motorcycle we've had recovered
in the past two years was a guy who stole a motorcycle,
and he drove away and a mile later, he got into an accident,
and he died, and we recovered the bike,
and I was like, well, the guy should have been atgatt.
I mean, come on.
So I was like, all right.
He's like, this is what we can do.
I fill this out, and I give you all the information you need
in order to file your claim with your insurance company.
I was like, all right.
Then he looked at me, and he said, now you know what I know.
This town has gone to shit and walked away.
So I got on the phone with Geico, and I was like, hi,
my motorcycle was stolen, and I needed to file a claim,
and the person was so nice.
She's like, I can tell how sad you are.
That is very frustrating.
Whenever something's stolen from you,
you feel like violated, and so thanks for calling.
We're gonna get everything taken care of
so we can get money in your pocket
so you can get another motorcycle,
and I was like, all right, thank you very much,
and she's like, what's your policy number?
And I was like, it's 6144978863, and she said, well, Kevin,
I'm so happy that I can be here to help you in this time.
Mr. Doyle, it says that you have full coverage?
And I was like, yeah.
She's like, well, within the bounds of New York City,
theft is not covered under full coverage.
I was like, what's that mean?
She's like, it means that we can't pay you out
for the motorcycle, because theft isn't covered.
I was like, what does it do?
What is covered?
She's like, well, you know, liability
and any medical expenses, and I was like, well,
we already covered that that is nothing.
What you just said means nothing.
Okay, so what should I have done?
What do I do at this point?
She's like, well, at this point, we can't do anything,
because the activity already took place.
You have to be insured before the activity takes place.
What you needed, you should have told the person you needed
comprehensive coverage, and I was like, what is that?
She's like, full coverage doesn't cover everything,
but comprehensive coverage within the bounds
of New York covers theft as well,
and as she was saying that, I looked up the definition
of full on Google and comprehensive, and I was like, ma'am,
I'm reading this verbatim, okay.
From Websters, it says, full, the definition of full,
is including all elements of something,
and I'm reading the definition of comprehensive right now
to you over the line, and it says, including all
or nearly all elements of something.
So if anything, full should cover more than comprehensive.
So why is that not the case?
And she said, sir, I'm not talking
about the definitions of words.
I'm talking about these policies, and I was like,
what else could definitions of words be for
except to explain the policies!
She said, sir, you're raising your voice,
and it's not very appropriate.
I was like, no, no, no, no.
You explain to me how is an insurance company any different
from a Ponzi scheme?
You give a bunch of money and then when people come
and need the money, then you say, oh, it's not there.
You're fucked.
How are you any different than Bernie Madoff?
And she's like, sir, that's very insulting.
I'm just talking to you on the phone and following orders.
I was like, you're following orders.
You're following orders.
You are a Nazi.
You are no different than a Nazi.
That's what the Nazi said as they kill the Jews.
We're just following orders.
She's like, sir, I will hang up the phone
if you keep talking like this.
I was like, you know what?
I won't keep talking like this,
because you're not Bernie Madoff, and you're not a Nazi.
You, my lady, are a daft fucking cunt!
And I sat down on my stoop, and I got my phone out,
and I texted the girl, and I was like,
my motorcycle just got stolen, and you owe me $15,000,
and it doesn't seem like you want to hang out anymore.
So you need to explain to me everything
that's going on in your head right now pretty please.
Thank you, and I sent it, and then I saw the bubbles.
The bubbles popped up, right?
It's the most dramatic thing we have in modern life,
those bubbles, and then the bubbles went away,
and then the bubbles came back, and she said, dear Kevin,
it was so lovely meeting you.
I will never forget you and your family.
I don't know why you were all so nice to me.
I was lonely and scared in New York,
and I just wanted to go on some fun dates
and hook up with someone,
and then I got caught up with all the romance
of Christmas in New York with a wonderful person,
but for me, it was always temporary from the beginning.
I could have been more clear about that.
You don't say.
I'm very sorry.
Thank you for everything
and for anything that I put you through,
and then there was a single tear emoji at the end.
So I sent her back a thumbs up emoji,
but things were not feeling thumbs up.
Then I said, I'd like to move on
to the business-related matters.
When am I going to get the money back?
And she said, you can trust me.
You'll get the money back.
My bank account is still really messed up.
I'm really sorry.
I was like, okay.
So a few days went by, and I text her,
and I said, question mark, any update on the money?
No response.
Then a few days later, two question marks,
and I sent it, and it was green,
and there was a little exclamation point that said,
not delivered, which means she disconnected her phone line.
Yeah, and right about that time, my mom texted me,
and said, hey, Kev, I was just praying,
and I thought about you.
How are you doing?
How is everything with the girl?
And I was like, oh, you were praying, huh?
Wow, why don't you ask him if this is entertaining, huh?
Are you having a good time, buddy?
How's it going up there?
She said, have you got the money back yet?
And I said, no, but things are going really well
with the girl.
We're actually have plans next week,
and yeah, I'll definitely get it to you soon.
She said, okay, love you,
and then I walked around for two weeks
without talking to anybody about this,
just figuring out in my head what my next move was,
what I was gonna do, and I thought to myself, I said,
you know what?
I'm gonna pay my parents back, and then after that,
I'm gonna start taking public transportation, that's fine,
and I'm definitely going to put 15% of all of my money
into a retirement account after this going forward,
and I'm gonna be responsible with that,
and I'm going to go to the dentist every six months.
Every six months, you go to the dentist,
and you get a good cleaning,
and you never miss a yearly physical,
'cause you know that on your mom's side,
cancer runs in the family,
and early detection is the best way,
and it's better than any cure they have.
That's a lot to carry around for a few weeks
with just myself, and I was thinking, you know what?
Never too much, never too little.
Just gonna be right in the middle from now on, okay?
And then I went home, and I got on my computer,
and I had an email, and the email was from a language
that I didn't understand and didn't recognize,
and I opened it up, and it was an email from the girl,
and she said, I'm really sorry.
My phone was disconnected.
I don't know if you texted me,
but I had to disconnect the line
and reconnect with my new husband, who I love very much,
crying-laughing emoji, crying-laughing emoji,
crying-laughing emoji.
Ha ha, we should all be square now.
Exactly, oh yeah, you owed me a text back.
That's what it was.
I was in the city at the time,
and I walked past an ATM machine,
and I went to my ATM machine, and I looked,
and there was $15,000 in my account,
and I was like, what?
Is that a miracle?
Like what, how?
And then I thought about it, and she had my account number
and my routing number from Christmas that I gave it to her,
and she just used that and transferred me all the money.
(audience applauds)
[Audience Member 5] You get your bike back?
Thanks for bringing up hard times, sir.
This is almost happy!
A few months later, I was having dinner with my parents,
and my dad was just like, hey, whatever happened
to that nice girl that we had dinner with at Christmas?
And I was like, I loaned her $15,000, and I only had nine.
So mom actually gave me $6,000,
and then we loaned it to her,
and then I really haven't talked to her again,
and my dad looked at my mom and he said,
you told me that the bank made a mistake
and that you were on the phone with Chase,
and you were angry, because they weren't fixing it.
My mom looked at my dad, and she said, listen, your son
and I helped a nice poor immigrant get
into this wonderful country.
If anything, that is a good lie!
Now I was still very sad, because I really liked that girl,
and so I went to Paris for a few months.
I sublet up my apartment.
I went to Paris for a few months, and well,
'cause I'm very pretentious.
I was like, I'm gonna go to Paris and be a writer,
and I got to do it, you know?
And 'cause listen, if you want good bratwurst,
you go to Germany, and if you want good paella,
you gotta Spain, and if you want to find Emelie,
you go to France.
You know what I'm saying?
But while I was there, I wrote a play,
and in order to finish this show,
I want to just perform this, the last scene of this play,
and so we can get outta here,
are there any actors that would help me perform
this play that I wrote, anybody?
Is there anybody?
You, sir, what's your name?
- Michael. - Michael?
- Yeah. - Okay, and you're an actor?
[Micheal] Yeah.
Because this isn't comedy, dude.
This is like serious stuff, okay?
All right, come on up, Mike.
Give Michael a round of applause.
(audience applauds)
Dude, thank you so much.
Thank you.
Okay, so here's the script.
So my character is named Kyle Doberman, Okay?
And you'll learn about him.
You're gonna be playing the role of reformed pedophile.
No, I'm just kidding.
It's pretty self-explanatory.
Go ahead and start there, and then we will go through it.
Sound good?
- Great. - All right, sorry to do this,
but I have to go get into costume.
So just start when I say action, okay?
(giggles) All right, one second, Michael.
Are you ready?
Yes.
Okay, action.
Hey, Kyle, get out here.
Where are you, Kyle?
You gotta come out here.
It's time.
God damn it, come on out here now.
I need to have a word with you, son.
Look at you.
You're still wearing all that mess.
You still haven't taken any of that off
in I don't know how long.
Kyle, you don't even own the damn motorcycle anymore.
It's gone, and it ain't coming back.
So why the hell are you wearing all that?
I guess you're going to have to have it
on your whole damn life.
I guess to the day you die,
you're going to be wearing all the gear all the time.
You'll always be atgatt.
The end.
(audience applauds)
Kevin, Kevin, you okay?
Let me tell you something, son.
At some point, you gotta take it off.
That's not living.
What, are you scared?
You think somebody's gonna hurt you?
Of course they will.
Hell, you are going to die.
Everyone will when their time comes, but living in fear?
That's not life.
You know what will kill you?
Pride, jealousy, ambition, they will all kill you slow,
but you know what will really kill you?
Life, life will kill you.
So while you're here, you need to live it.
Oh, (knocks) take chances, but each one of those chances,
fill 'em with faith, with hope, with love.
Oh, and there are no guarantees.
That's not part of the deal.
Life is all you get.
There are a whole mess of ways that you can live life,
but I will tell you it ain't like this.
Take that off.
Oh, you think you can control life? (chuckles)
Good luck with that.
You're a fool to try.
That's not how life works.
Kevin, life ain't foolproof.
(audience applauds)
(rhythmic jazz music)
[Officer] Hi, how you doing?
This is officer Mcgroan from the 90th precinct.
I'm calling you in regards to your bike
that was stolen a couple months ago.
We have it recovered here at the 90th precinct
at 211 Union Avenue in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
If you want, give us a call at (718) 963-5311
for more details in regards.
Thank you.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)