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Ladies and gentlemen, my mom, Leanne Morgan!
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Thank y'all, darling Wilmington, North Carolina.
Honey, thank y'all.
And thank y'all for watching that first Netflix special.
Thank y'all. Thank y'all.
That changed my life.
And I have only watched it one time
because, if I watch myself, I feel like I'm gonna vomit.
And…
And I'm ashamed to tell y'all, when I watched that thing,
I should've been thinking, "Oh, I should've done that better,"
or, "I should've said that," or, "I could've done that."
No.
All I could think of the whole time I watched that thing
was, "When did my breasts…"
"When did my breasts get so fat?"
And I'm not talking…
You North Carolina boys, I'm not talking about a cute fat.
I'm talking big old mamaw breast.
And it felt to me like one was going that way, and one was going that way.
And then, y'all, okay, I was in a movie with Reese Witherspoon and Will Ferrell.
I know. That was crazy.
That came out of nowhere. I'll tell you who did that.
That little Reese Witherspoon. That doll, that smart thing.
And she made me her big sister, Gwyneth.
And… and let me tell y'all
that Reese Witherspoon is the size of this glass.
And she stood next to me in that movie, in that wedding movie,
and her little head hit right here.
And when I saw the movie, I thought,
"Oh, her head's the size of this breast."
And we shot that thing in Atlanta. It took two months, and it was so fun.
And it was like being at summer camp. It really was.
But I was scared to death.
Before I went down there, I thought I was gonna get the shingles.
I was scared to death.
And I thought, "Well, I bet I'll lose weight."
"I bet I'll lose weight 'cause I'm scared to death,
and I'll probably have explosive diarrhea every day."
And then I thought, "All those little people in Hollywood are so tiny."
Everybody's frail and little bitty.
The men have got big heads and little legs.
I don't know if y'all have noticed that.
Think of Tom Cruise. Big head, little legs.
And I thought, "Well, I bet they don't feed
those little Hollywood people when they're doing a movie."
"That'll be good for me. I can go without food for two months."
Well, no, that's not what happens.
There's a thing called crafty.
And these darling people cook all day long on a movie set.
And because it's in a union,
they have to feed you a hot meal every two-and-a-half to three hours.
Reese didn't eat it.
But I did.
Let me tell you this about movies.
You sit there for a long time during the day with nothing to do
until they call your name, and you get kind of bored.
And then some little darling man will yell, "Empanadas,"
and I would just take off running as hard as I could.
I wore the same shoe throughout that movie,
and it was a wedge with a strap going up my ankle.
And by the end of that two months,
those darling wardrobe people had to poke an extra hole in my strap.
Because I was retaining fluid so bad.
Look at these darling men here tonight that live in Wilmington, North Carolina.
So cute.
Y'all could be home watching baseball.
But you're gonna have to hear about my fat breast and my retaining fluid.
If I have time, I'll talk about my reflux.
I don't know. Just hold on, boys. I don't know.
Okay, let me tell y'all
that I fell in love with everybody on that movie set,
but I really got close to the hair and makeup people,
and they were all local people from Atlanta.
And every time I went in that trailer, they would say to me,
"Leanne, you have got to let us be the ones
to take you to this historical place in Atlanta."
"Everybody's gotta go at least one time in their life."
"Please let us be the ones to take you."
And I was like, "Okay."
"I love history."
They wanted to take me
to the Clermont Lounge.
Anybody here heard of that?
Well, let's tell all these other innocent and sweet, precious people
what that Sodom and Gomorrah is.
The Clermont Lounge is in the Clermont Hotel,
and that's, I guess, a historical hotel.
And they painted it pink.
And I think it's expensive to stay there.
There's a rooftop bar where young people take their Instagram pictures
and put it on there.
And then inside the hotel is a restaurant, a bar, and a coffee shop.
Down in the basement…
…in a dark, black hole
is the Clermont Lounge.
And that is a strip club.
Whoo!
And when I found that out, I said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I have the Holy Spirit."
I know. I'm like, "I'm not going to that mess."
They were like, "It's not what you think it is."
"Just trust us. It's not what you think it is."
The only thing I've ever known about a strip club…
There was one in Knoxville, Tennessee that was on the side of the interstate,
and it was called The Catch,
and my little children thought it was a Mexican restaurant.
And then I've seen movies, you know.
I've seen movies with strippers and professional athletes
and lights and poles and all that kind of stuff.
This is not that.
This is more like Ripley's Believe It or Not.
But I didn't know that. And they kept begging me to go.
And I was so freaked out, I asked my middle child, Maggie.
I said, "Do you think if I go to this thing,
I'm gonna feel the presence of Satan?"
And she said, "Yeah, girl, I do."
And I said to my baby child,
who's fascinated by sin…
I said, "Do you think I'll feel Satan?"
She went, "No, I don't think so."
They both know I'm very sensitive.
I have felt the presence of Satan
on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
I think he lives there full-time.
And in Las Vegas twice.
So they kept begging me to go, kept begging me to go.
And so, we go down these dark steps,
down in this hole.
And there's these big men standing at the bottom, and they go, "Cash only."
"If you take your phone out and use it, we'll beat you to death with it."
Well, they didn't say that, but it felt like that.
The hair and makeup people said, "You'll get new material out of it."
Anytime anybody says that to me, I know something traumatic's about to happen.
Okay, we go into this basement of this hotel,
and it's a basement,
and there are no lights, no poles, nothing like that.
There's a tiny little stage with…
The bar is built around it, and it's got a low ceiling.
So all these women that dance there that are over five feet tall
have to dance like this.
We go in there…
And this is the impersonation the hair and makeup people had of me.
They said that I held my purse all night and went…
After I was there for a while, I realized
there's people that like to go to this place.
First of all, darling gay men.
Darling, precious gay men.
And I don't know if it's because… Hey.
I don't know if it's 'cause y'all like to encourage and lift up and cheer.
You know? I think so, you doll.
Okay. And then women's groups.
Women's groups go.
That sounds like Bible study. Not that.
It's like girls with cowboy hats on and boas.
And they're going for bachelorettes and birthdays, and going…
That kind of… that kind of girl.
And then serial killers.
Serial killers like to go.
I know I looked in the face of a serial killer.
The first woman that came out
was at least 70 years old.
Before I start talking about these little women,
I don't want y'all to go, "Leanne's making fun of women trying to make a living."
Ain't nobody making any money.
All right? Nobody.
This ain't about the money.
And it's sweet that they let everybody participate.
But anyhoo, all right,
that little woman comes out, and she's got on a pump about that long,
but her little foot's about that long,
and it was swimming around in that big pump.
And after more people came out, I thought,
"Nobody's shoes fit."
Everybody was sliding around and dancing in their shoes.
And I thought there must be a big pile of shoes in the back…
…and they tell them,
"Get you on a pair of shoes before you go out there and dance."
But this little woman had on a denim pair of shorts and a tank top,
and that's what she danced in.
And it looked like somebody would wear that
on a Saturday morning in the Dollar General store.
That's what it looked like.
It looked like somebody that would go, "I just need some Diet Dr Pepper,
and a couple of cans of Hormel Chili."
The second woman that came out was a young girl.
I think she was probably about 30,
and she had blonde, curly hair and black, horn-rimmed glasses.
She was very enthusiastic. She came out, and she was like…
I thought, "Who does she look like?"
"Ooh, Mrs. Frizzle on Magic School Bus."
On PBS.
My kids loved that show.
And that little thing danced in a 4th July, patriotic-themed,
red, white, and blue bra and panty set.
And I'll just tell y'all, it was a little dingy.
And as a mother,
all I could think of when that little thing was dancing was,
"Man, I wish I could take that bra and panty set home…
…and Biz that overnight."
Oh. Mm.
You can do anything with Biz.
I love Biz.
I thought, "If I could just get a Tupperware bowl,
put about that much Biz in it,
then fill it with water, soak that bra and panty set overnight…"
I know.
Oh, y'all.
Thank y'all.
Thank y'all. Well, I like doing laundry.
Okay.
But you know, that night, I walked away thinking two things.
I really did.
First, I thought, "You know what, if times get bad…"
"If times get bad,
I think I'd be a big deal there. I do."
I do.
Thank you.
I'm tall. I'd have to hinge at the hip.
The second thing I thought was Satan wasn't there.
I don't think Satan was there. I think Satan was like, "I'm good."
Okay, let me tell y'all that after my first Netflix special,
my team said, "Where do you want to work out this new material?"
"Let's send you to Southern California."
"Sunny Southern California."
"You can get away from that Tennessee winter."
I was like, "Okay."
This was January 2023,
and I know y'all don't remember, 'cause sweet Californian people
have been through so much with weather and all that stuff,
but this was an unbelievable rain.
Like an unusual rain that they had not had in decades.
And they called it biblical.
And so my travel agent called me the day that we were flying out, and she said,
"A biblical storm is hitting Southern California!"
"You're not gonna make it!"
And she sent me an article that had the word "ark" in it.
And I was like…
But me and my baby child went out there,
and we landed, and everything was all right.
It really wasn't that much rain.
They're just not used to it out there.
I don't know if they don't have drainage systems or what,
but everybody was running through the streets
with their bra on the outside of their clothes.
But we made it okay, and this baby went with me.
And she's backstage. She's my makeup artist full-time.
Thank you.
But anyway, thank the Lord she went with me
because I can't be driving and all that out there in Southern California.
And I don't think 59 is old, but I do think my nerves are shot.
So we go, and we get a rental car, and we go to eight hotels in four weeks.
And by the end of that month, she said
she was gonna slap my teeth out.
She's not listening, 'cause she's sick of me, I think.
But I'm scared of her.
But anyway, she said that I got on the passenger side of that rental car
and held onto that handle the whole time,
and put my brakes on on the passenger side.
And maybe I did,
but somebody had to do it.
And then I like to wear an Apple Watch
because I like to monitor my own heart health.
And I like to push that button that tells you where your iPhone is.
That's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I know.
And by the end of that month, she screamed at me and said,
"Quit dinging that Apple Watch."
"Your iPhone's in your lap."
The first place we go to is Oxnard, California.
I don't know if any of y'all have ever been there,
but it is beautiful. Beautiful.
I'd never even heard of it. It's on the beach.
I rented a little bungalow about two blocks from the beach,
and a little man came up to me and gave me the keys and said,
"Water's gonna come up out of this ocean, come up over this thing and kill y'all."
Okay, let me tell y'all, it's probably like Wilmington, North Carolina.
Big, fine homes, one right after another,
with boats pulled up to 'em in the water, like cars in a driveway.
And I'd never seen anything like that, and I thought, "Who are these people?"
So I said to 'em,
"Who are you people?"
"What do y'all do for a living?"
And they said, "We farm. A lot of us farm."
And I said, "What? I'm from farming people."
"What are y'all farming out here?"
And they said, "Strawberries and dope."
They're growing a lot of dope
in California.
And see, I'm not used to that.
Tennessee… There's nothing legal, recreational or medical, in Tennessee.
But CBD stores have popped up all over Knoxville, Tennessee.
And the rumor is
the dope is a-coming.
And they say that's where the dope is a-going.
It's in those CBD stores.
So I was with my physical therapist, Justin, and he was working on my sciatica,
right here, and, uh, inflammation in my hip,
and then sometimes my plantar fasciitis flares up
when I'm eating too much bread.
And he said, "Leanne, I've been hearing a lot of good things about CBD."
"I think it's very anti-inflammatory." He goes, "Why don't you…"
"There's a woman that's opened up a CBD store in this strip mall."
"Why don't you go talk to her when we get finished?"
And so I walked down there,
and I had to pass the Subway.
Sandwiches.
And it was hard for me not to go in there,
because I like that bread.
But it causes plantar fasciitis.
But anyway, I go in that CBD store,
and it smells like patchouli and Subway.
And that little woman's in there,
and she's a hippie-looking little woman.
I don't know why I'm doing that.
Okay.
She looks like one of those little women in North Carolina
that likes to blow glass.
Some of you girls in Asheville… Asheville, North Carolina.
She looks like one of those little artsy women that likes to wear a clog.
You know, maybe go to a storytelling festival on the weekend.
Yeah.
She had hair under her arms.
Ew.
And I thought, "You know what, I get it. I'm tired too. I get it."
But anyway, she said, "I think I can help you."
And she went and got a bag of gummies,
and… and it had Delta-8 written on 'em.
Oh.
No.
I know. What is Delta-8? I still don't know what it is.
But I do feel like if dope's right here,
it must be right up under dope.
And maybe sprinkled with LSD, maybe.
She said, "Okay, this is what you're gonna do."
"Take one a night. You gotta be consistent over time with it."
And I was like, "Okay."
It scared me to death.
And I got it in the car.
And I thought, "I better not drive fast."
And I got it home.
And Chuck Morgan was there.
And I didn't tell him what I had done.
And I went, "Hey."
I got it and took it back and put it in my closet.
And I waited until nightfall.
And I… I was scared to death. I just…
I took a nibble off of one. Just a nibble.
I didn't even take a whole one. Just a nibble.
And I don't know if this was in my head,
but 20 minutes later, my heart was beating out of my body.
And I thought, "Oh my Lord,
I'm in A-Fib. I'm in A-Fib."
"And I need to go to the emergency room right now."
But I thought, "I didn't tell Chuck Morgan what I'd done,
and he's not gonna know what to tell the doctor."
Everything went through my head.
Then I started thinking, "The police are coming."
I sat up until 2:00 a.m.,
monitoring my own heart rate.
I eventually fell off to sleep, but it wasn't a good sleep.
I wallowed in the bed.
And for all the people in the United States, wallowing means
I wallowed in the bed.
I just…
…wallowed.
I wallowed all night in the bed and dreamed horrible things.
I dreamed that me and John Wayne
fought Ricardo Montalbán…
…on horseback all night.
I've never taken another one of those gummies.
But I… I didn't throw 'em away.
They're in my closet.
I don't make eye contact with them. I just walk by 'em.
The second weekend we were in California, we went to Brea,
which is beautiful too.
And beautiful, sweet, precious people there too.
And that was gonna be the weekend that my baby child turned 25.
Her daddy said, "I wanna be with y'all."
"I'm gonna buy a plane ticket, and I'm coming out there."
So I called my travel agent, and I said, "You better get another room."
"'Cause their daddy misses me."
I don't know what it is about Chuck Morgan in a hotel room.
But he gets in a hotel room, gets a glazed look over his eyes,
and I feel like I'm doing this.
And the reason why I had to get another hotel room
is because this baby and I have been touring together.
She's with me all the time. I've done 150 dates with her.
And their daddy does not want me to spend money,
and so we've had to share a room.
So we've been butt-to-butt in a king-size bed everywhere we go.
And all of my married life,
Chuck Morgan has told me not to spend money
and that we were gonna lose everything. He's tried to scare me.
And he's been in my ear.
I can hear him saying, "You better eat that free continental breakfast."
"Don't you dare go to Panera."
But, okay, so Chuck Morgan buys a really cheap airline ticket.
He had to get up in the middle of the night,
and connect all over the United States of America.
He finally gets there, and he is worn to a frazzle.
And Chuck Morgan doesn't nap, but he napped on and off that day
and watched Tennessee play basketball in the hotel room.
And then I went to a club and worked two shows.
I was supposed to be thinking about new material,
and all I could think of the whole time I was up there was,
"He's gonna get a lot of rest."
And I'm gonna have to do
unspeakable things…
…all night…
…so my baby will have a good birthday.
I hate to even say that.
If there's young girls in here that are 20 and 30,
I hate to say that to y'all,
but I want to be honest.
I don't wanna blow smoke up y'all's butthole.
And I'm not saying y'all have to, but
I have prostituted myself to Chuck Morgan…
…for over 34 years now…
…so my children would have good shoes.
And Chuck's in the back tonight.
He would love to come out here and say to y'all right now…
Uh-oh, y'all. Chuck Morgan's gonna get the big head.
Um…
He would love to come out here and say to y'all,
"Oh, don't worry, she hasn't been a good prostitute."
That's what he'd say.
Okay, y'all, when it was time to go out there,
I thought I better take a notebook.
I'm in my fifties. I can't think of my name.
And I looked in my children's playroom. I'm in the house I raised my children in.
And I don't know if y'all got girls, if they did this,
but mine, when they were little, it didn't matter where we went,
if it was Walgreens, Target, Walmart, wherever, they would say,
"I'm gonna need a notebook."
"And it needs to be purple or pink, and it needs to have a heart on it."
And then they would take it home and write one dramatic sentence in it
and then throw it away.
I've kept all those notebooks, and I found this little purple one with a heart on it.
And my Maggie, my middle one, who is my most sensitive,
had written a sweet note to her fourth-grade teacher
about how much she loved her and what she was gonna buy her for Christmas.
And that made me think of this.
When I was a young mama, I always had a minivan.
And Chuck Morgan was out making us a wonderful living,
but he was gone traveling all over the United States.
And I had these little children all close together,
and everybody seems like they were always crying and whipping each other.
And I would be white-knuckling it,
trying to get somebody to a soccer practice
that they really didn't want to go to.
What was that?
And everybody would be crying and yelling, and that sensitive baby, that middle one,
would ask me deep, deep questions all the time.
For example, questions about the solar system.
And finally, one day, I said, "Baby, I didn't pay attention in school."
Is there anything you'd like to know about Young and the Restless?
And let me tell y'all, she went through a phase
where she was worried who was gonna get to go to heaven.
She wants everybody to go to heaven.
And I remember her asking me about people,
and everybody would be yelling in the back seat, hungry and all that,
and her little voice would say,
"Mommy, is Johnny Cash going to heaven?"
I remember that day, and I remember what I said.
I said, "Yeah."
"Yes, Johnny Cash is going to heaven."
"He and June have spread the gospel with Billy Graham all over the States."
"Yes, he'll be in heaven."
Okay, and I got to thinking about this when I was… All this was in my mind.
I've got a daughter-in-law who is…
We are in love with her, and she is so smart and such a good mama,
and I watch her talk to my grandbabies,
and she makes sense.
And it's just made me look back.
And… and I think I said some crazy mess.
But I was tired.
So she was worried about who was going to heaven, and she asked me
about J-Lo.
And this was years ago, and I'm a huge J-Lo fan.
And she said, "Mommy, is J-Lo going to heaven?"
Just let me tell y'all, I was in a bad place, okay?
I was in a bad place, and I think I'd gone up a size in my pants.
And she asked me about J-Lo.
She goes, "Is she going to heaven?" And I said, "I don't know."
"I don't know. I think she needs to mature spiritually."
"And, um…"
"…she's going through a lot of men right now."
I said it. I remember saying it. And it was wrong.
And I'm sorry. And I should have never said it.
One reason I shouldn't have,
I went through as many men as J-Lo ever thought about going through, honey.
Just, um…
It was terrible. Terrible.
The only difference was, mine were not successful people.
So real quick, let's just recap some of J-Lo's men.
We don't have time for all of them, but…
Remember that little first one, the backup dancer?
Remember him? Cris? I think his name was Cris.
What happened to him? Has anybody checked on him?
And then she was with Ben Affleck the first time,
and they could have eaten each other's lips off.
I don't know what happened. Maybe it was too volatile.
And then he married little Jennifer Garner.
I know! And I've never met her, but she looks like she'd be precious.
And she looks like she shops at the Loft.
Like everybody else.
And then J-Lo married that little bug-eyed Marc Anthony.
Big head, little legs.
Yeah.
He's the size of my cough drop.
Look at that. Talented. Very talented.
And then she was with big ole A-Rod. And I forget about big ole A-Rod.
And then she got back with Ben Affleck, and they married, and I thought,
"Ooh, this doesn't look good."
'Cause every video or picture you'd see of them,
they'd be coming out of somewhere, and he'd be going…
And you know that he worshiped her because she glows.
Have y'all noticed that? She glows. I think she's so beautiful.
I read in People magazine that she eats a lot of salmon.
Okay.
She does.
We all need to be eating a lot of salmon.
Okay, so here's another story about my middle child being so sensitive.
My children went to a small Christian school in Knoxville,
and we loved it. It was like a family to us.
And the elementary school was tiny.
The girl that worked the front desk was Jeannie, a good friend of mine.
And I dropped my little children off that morning,
and I came back that afternoon,
and Jeannie saw me walk in, and she grabbed her chest and said,
"Oh, my gosh, Leanne, how are you walking?"
"Do you need me to call somebody? Do you need to go to the hospital?"
I said, "What are you talking about?" She said, "Maggie said you had surgery."
"She's asked for prayer."
"We've been praying for you over the intercom all day."
I said, "Jeannie, I got my IUD replaced."
I want you boys in North Carolina
to know, honey, that I was very fertile.
I was very fertile, praise God.
I was as fertile as the Napa Valley.
And I think it's 'cause I'm from farming people.
We killed our own beef.
And I've got thick ankles, and I can work in the fields.
But anyway, I had to get an IUD every five years
because Chuck Morgan didn't get a vasectomy, and…
But whatever. It's okay.
Let me tell y'all that that precious Christian school put me on a meal chain.
They put me on a meal chain.
And somebody brought me a meatloaf…
…that afternoon.
And it was a good one.
And so my hope and prayer, and I mean this,
my hope and prayer for all of y'all
is y'all have a good friend who'll make you a meatloaf
when you get your IUD replaced.
I know.
But y'all, people ask me all the time,
"Does Chuck Morgan get mad at you talking about him?" And I go, "No."
"He wants me to talk about him."
He'll say, "Tell 'em this."
He goes, "Why don't you tell 'em about the time I got arrested?"
Okay.
It was over 25 years ago.
We had three little children under the age of five,
and his company sent us, the very first trip,
to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
And I was so tickled that I was gonna get to go.
I'd never been anywhere like that.
And my little mom and daddy took care of my babies for a week for me,
so I didn't have to worry about them.
And I was so excited.
We flew out of our little airport in Knoxville, Tennessee, and took all day.
Like 12 hours. Like mules, trains, planes, boats, I don't know,
to get on the other side, the Pacific side.
And we get in the hotel room.
And I had to do unspeakable things.
For seven days.
I never saw Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
By the end of that week, I was depleted.
Then it was time to fly all the way back. It took another 12 hours to get back.
We get into East Tennessee to our little airport,
and we landed at midnight,
and we had to drive into East Tennessee where we were living, and I thought,
"If I can just put my hands on those babies and go to bed,
everything's gonna be all right."
But darn if Chuck Morgan doesn't get pulled over by the police,
I think he was going too fast.
What he ended up getting arrested for wasn't bad, but we didn't know that.
I think it was another ticket that he needed to pay.
We're on the side of the road, and the police car is in front of us.
I'm looking through the headlights at the police,
thinking, "This won't take long. We'll be out of here before you know it."
"I'll be home. Mm-hmm."
They come around, and they get his license.
They get him out of the car, and take him around the front.
And I'm watching all this in the headlights, and they cuff him.
And he turns around at me, and I go…
What?
And he mouths something at me, like, "Oh good Lord, Leanne."
And my whole life flashed before my eyes.
I thought, "He's in a drug cartel."
"He has another family in Idaho."
I've always thought he had another family in Idaho
because, all of our married life, he has said, "I told you that,"
and he hasn't.
He thinks he's told me stuff, and he has not.
And I've said, "I've never heard that before in my life."
Finally, one day, I go, "Are you telling a woman in Idaho all this?"
I said, "Are you gonna let her go to Panera, Chuck?"
Okay, let me tell y'all that Chuck Morgan, when we met,
we were at the University of Tennessee.
Go Vols.
And he was getting a master's in business and making straight A's
and working three jobs and wooing me.
And I was…
…a wreck. A wreck, honey.
I barely got out of the University of Tennessee.
I graduated through the skin of my teeth. It took me years.
I would drop out, go back, all…
Okay.
But when I knew that I was gonna get to marry Chuck Morgan, I thought,
"Oh my gosh."
"He is so smart."
"He can do anything. He's gonna take care of everything."
"He's gonna work like a mule."
"And I'm just gonna have a ball. I'm just gonna…"
Well, we married, and I had my first baby by him.
And it dawned on me one day.
I thought, "He's smart at work."
"Not at home."
And I thought, "Oh no. Surely I'm not in charge."
"Surely I'm not gonna be the one to have to tend to all this."
Because it was three years before that, I was dancing to Prince, "When Doves Cry."
You know, I was like…
Let me tell you when it really freaked me out.
I had my second baby.
She was born April 3rd. This was the last week of March.
I was gonna go at any time and give birth, and a big snow came in east Tennessee.
There was snow on the ground.
And I had, um… My oldest baby was… my Charlie, was two.
He had quit taking a nap, was still in diapers.
But he was a precious baby, but very active.
And he would beat on the front door, trying to get out
so he could run down the yellow line of the highway.
And I was worn to a frazzle.
And I was about to give birth at any minute, and I got strep real bad.
And my OB-GYN was Pete, who was in our Sunday school class.
And he was so cute.
And I hated for him to see me that way.
But Pete said, "You've got a horrible case of strep."
"I'm gonna have to put you in the hospital, Leanne, overnight."
"You're gonna have to get a bag of fluids and rest."
And I said,
"For real?"
"I get to go in the hospital?"
"Overnight?"
It's like somebody sent me to Turks and Caicos.
They took me to the hospital.
Chuck had our two-year-old, Charlie.
And they dropped me off early that morning and then disappeared.
And didn't come back until late that night.
And I said, "Where have you been?"
And he went, "Nowhere."
I said, "What are you doing wearing a sweat suit? You're sweating."
He said, "Okay, Leanne, I've been playing basketball at the rec center."
I said, "Full-court?"
He went, "Yeah, why?"
I go, "Who was watching our baby
while you were playing full-court basketball?"
And I looked down, and my baby's got on a diaper swollen down to his ankles.
And I said, "What has he eaten?"
And he said, "Eaten?"
I said, "Chuck, they… Listen to me."
I go, "They're gonna discharge me tomorrow at noon,
and they need you to bring me an outfit."
Let me tell y'all…
…what he brought me to the hospital.
He brought me a pair of panties…
…that were a triangle…
…with strings on it.
My belly button was that big.
My stomach was out to here.
I had to somehow try to get these panties on.
I think I was crowning.
Those panties were the size of Marc Anthony.
He brought me a pair of six-inch pumps.
Black. Black pumps.
Okay, you girls that are my age, do y'all remember when Kathie Lee Gifford
had her own line of maternity wear at Walmart?
Did y'all remember that?
It was to die for.
It was very inexpensive. Basic pieces. Mix and match.
I loved it.
And then something happened with a sweatshop overseas.
And they shut her down, and I was devastated.
But anyway, he brought me a pair of Kathie Lee Gifford summer capris.
Summer. There was snow on the ground in East Tennessee.
Summer capri.
He brought me a summer top
that was not maternity.
So it hit me about right there.
And then a big old fake fur black coat
that I definitely danced to Prince in at a club, honey.
And I remember those sweet nurses rolling me out.
I know they got back in that hospital and looked at each other and said,
"She's a prostitute."
Let me tell y'all about my precious grandbabies.
Mm, mm, mm, mm!
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, yummy, yummy, yummy.
I'm in love with them, and I hope I have ten more.
But I've got two boys, and they are two and four.
And my oldest one calls me Grandmama.
When he spends the night, he'll hold on to the railing, hold on to my hand,
and he'll say, "Hold on, Grandmama, hold on."
He thinks I'm feeble.
It's very different being a mama than a grandmama.
They're both wonderful, but they're very different.
This is the difference, I think.
When my babies want something,
I'm gonna give it to 'em.
And my boy and his wife are wonderful parents,
but they say crap to me.
Things like, "No more riding toys."
And I'm like, "Okay, but I cannot take back this Chevy with a gooseneck."
They said to me the other day,
"We're gonna have to wean this one off his pacifier."
And I was like, "Yep, that's a good idea."
And then I went home and ordered as many as I could off the Internet.
Now I know why my little mom and daddy acted the way they did.
They helped me so much. My children would spend the night with them.
And I remember going to pick them up, and I said to my little daddy,
"Daddy, they've got a yellow film over their teeth."
"Have they brushed their teeth since we've been gone?"
And my daddy shook and got so mad at me and said,
"They didn't want to!"
My little mama, Lucille, every time when they were little,
they'd go visit them, Mama would sling open that back door and say,
"Welcome. Here's some Magic Markers. Write on the wall."
"Come on into Mamaw's house, and go back and get in Mamaw's bed,
and take this bucket of chicken with ya."
"Take this bucket of chicken with ya and this little bag of mini marshmallows."
"And wallow in Mamaw's bed."
"And watch Disney until 3:00 a.m. in the morning."
I do the same thing, honey. I do the same thing.
I know.
Who doesn't love chicken in the bed?
And let me tell y'all that we beg them all the time to go on vacation with us.
We want these babies.
I want all my children and my babies with me.
And let me tell you that I'm a beach person.
I'm a beach person.
And y'all have it made here. Y'all do. I hope y'all know that.
If I hit it big someday, I would love to be at the beach.
But Chuck Morgan doesn't believe in joy.
So…
His favorite vacation is snow skiing.
And so when we met in college, he said, "I'm gonna raise my children snow skiing."
And I thought, "Ooh, what is that?"
Because I didn't know much about it,
'cause I was raised in a town of 500 people
on the Kentucky-Tennessee border, and people don't snow ski there.
And I remember seeing it every once in a while on TV and thinking,
"That must be the queen and her people."
But anyway, Chuck Morgan, when we married,
he wanted me to learn, and so he bought me a really nice outfit.
One of those ski outfits.
And y'all know if you snow ski, all that stuff is very expensive,
so I had to wear that for 15 years.
And I did not keep my weight down.
So the first time I went, he sent me to beautiful Beaver Creek, Colorado.
That is beautiful, I know.
And he put me in ski school with a group of people,
and our instructor looked like Mitt Romney.
And I was up on that mountain, and I wanted to be…
I had on my outfit, and I wanted to be that thin, young, cute, fun ski girl.
Okay.
A big old cold front came in.
Some big weather front came in, and snow was blowing sideways.
You couldn't see your hand in front of ya.
And Mitt looked at all of us and said,
"If we get down…"
"If we get down this mountain,
I'm gonna have to check y'all's noses for frostbite."
"It's 19 below zero."
And I remember thinking, "Fun?"
"What are we doing up here?" Okay.
The next time I got to go,
we waited until our little children were three, five, and seven,
and Chuck Morgan came to me and said,
"I'm gonna take y'all from Tennessee to Colorado for a week for snow skiing."
And the only thing that I can compare that to
would be maybe working in a coal mine.
I've never worked in a coal mine, but it looks bad.
So, this is my take on snow skiing.
At the mountain, that's where the hoop-de-do people are.
That's where they rent and own and ski in and ski out,
and they all look like Bo Derek.
Chuck Morgan likes to roll on a budget.
He likes to rent an apartment about three towns away from the mountain.
So we all go out there, and every morning, he would get up
and start saying, "We gotta get on that ski lift."
"I paid all this money. We gotta go. We gotta get up there. Everybody."
And these little children,
stunned.
Wake up.
And then I had to get all those little children dressed
with all those layers.
All those layers. Long underwear.
Going down the line, trying to get kids dressed,
and they were half asleep, flopping.
By the time I got 'em dressed, I felt like I had hoed an acre of tobacco.
And then I'd have to make lunch for everybody
because three chicken tenders cost $45 up on that mountain.
And then it'd be time to get on that shuttle to ride up to the mountain,
and we'd have to carry everybody's stuff 'cause they were little bitty children.
They'd go, "I can't hold my helmet. I can't carry anything."
"I've lost my gloves. I don't know where anything is."
And we were packed like pack mules trying to get everything on that shuttle.
Then I'd have to put ski boots on little children.
They'd go, "No, Mommy, no. Don't put those ski boots on me."
And I don't blame 'em.
Have y'all ever had a ski boot on?
Every time I've ever put one on, I think, "My shins are bleeding."
"My boots are filling up with blood. I can feel it."
Here's one of the memories I have.
This baby child back here that's my makeup artist and travels with me,
she says now she's my caregiver.
She kinda is.
But she has been a joy. That's my third baby.
And, uh, she's been a joy and so funny, but she's been a booger.
She's been a booger, honey. She does what she wants to.
She has since she was 18 months old. You can't do a thing with her.
And we were skiing. She was probably four or five that year.
And I bought her, you know, a hot pink outfit from Lands' End.
I was so tickled.
Everybody had gone off skiing. It was just me and her.
We were going in the little gondola up to the bunny slope,
and it doesn't take long to get up there to that bunny slope.
Nobody else was on that gondola,
and she starts taking all of her clothes off.
Everything. I'm talking everything.
In two seconds, she's nude.
And I…
I go, "What are you doing?"
And she said, "My butthole itches."
And I remember…
I remember praying.
I remember praying to the Lord
and saying, "Dear Lord,
what did I do that was so bad…"
"…that this is my vacation now?"
So then I just looked at her, and I said,
"Scratch it."
We try to go every year 'cause Chuck Morgan and the children love it.
All my kids love it.
But the last time I was on skis, I was 47 years old.
Now I'm 59.
And I had… We were going to Alta, Utah, which is beautiful.
And I had on that tight outfit.
And I was going up the ski lift.
I was on the ski lift, about to get off,
and I had every intention of skiing that year.
I had on everything. I was ready to go.
And I know how to get off a ski lift. And I know how to ski.
But something did not click that day,
and I just fell off that ski lift into the snow.
And it… That thing kept going around, so I just…
And then this long-haired boy that worked there,
with this stuff hanging out of his eyebrows,
came up to me and said,
"Get up."
And I'll just tell you boys in Wilmington that
I had let my core go.
And…
Real bad. Real bad.
I had let my core go.
And I still had my skis on.
I had to get my poles up and try to do that.
I don't know how I got up. I don't remember.
I feel like I blanked out 'cause I don't remember a thing.
But my boy was standing over there and saw the whole thing.
My sweet boy.
And I somehow got to the top of that mountain,
and he… he looked at me, and he goes,
"You're okay."
"Okay? You're okay, Mom."
"You're okay."
"Let's get down this mountain." I went, "No."
He said, "You're okay. Everything's fine." I went, "No. God spoke to me."
He said, "No, he didn't. I said, "Yes, he did."
"It was… it wasn't an audible voice."
"It was in my heart."
And he did. God spoke to me. And I remember what he said.
He said, "Get off these things, Leanne." That's what he said.
And then I think he said,
"Go sit down at that pizza shack for the rest of the week."
I was like,
"Okay."
Okay, y'all have been darling.
And let me tell you, okay, it's 8:30 now.
I'm gonna have y'all in the bed by 9:15.
Okay?
I'm gonna have y'all in the bed.
So if y'all got a melatonin or a magnesium in your purse…
…hold on. Give me a few more minutes and then you can take it.
Okay, I've got one more thing to tell y'all, and then y'all can go home.
And y'all have been precious. Thank y'all for doing this for me.
Thank you.
Thank y'all.
Okay.
Chuck Morgan and I were both raised in church.
I wanted to raise my children in church, and he did too.
And I'm not saying that, y'all, to say, "I raised my children in church."
I'm saying to y'all
that we are so dysfunctional.
We are so messed up and dysfunctional
that I don't know what would have happened to us if we had not had the Lord.
I mean it.
I know.
I know. Hallelujah. We have the Lord.
But let me tell y'all that I believe that Satan
did not want my family to go to church.
So he would come to our house
every Sunday morning
so he could stir up some shat.
Chuck Morgan and I would fight every Sunday morning
just like two rabid dogs in the yard.
And I'm ashamed to tell y'all that, but this is what we would fight over.
I like to be at church on time.
I like to get to church before it starts.
Chuck Morgan is a very successful person and very anal-retentive and type A,
and everything is just so, so, so in his life.
Except time.
He has no conception of time.
Everywhere we have ever been in 34 years, we've been late.
And I'm… I'm an on-time person, so it's really been a struggle.
Okay. I would be sitting in a minivan in the driveway
with the motor running with three little children.
Chuck Morgan would be standing at the kitchen sink
peeling an apple in his underwear.
And I would be furious.
Eventually he would come out, and I'd be so mad.
I'd be pitted out, and I'd be like, "It's already started."
It would've already started. I'm like, "We might as well not go."
"We might as well go back in the house." Then he'd… back at me.
Okay. Here's another thing about Chuck Morgan.
Every time we've ever had a fight, he acts like it never happened.
Never wants to talk about it. Do not mention it.
Poof, it's gone.
I…
I like to resolve conflict.
I like to talk it over and over and over.
And then I like to hang on to it.
Push it down.
Get it back out if I need it.
We would finally get to church. It would be halfway over.
We would get these little children in a Sunday school class,
and their teachers would look at us like, "Do better."
And then I'd finally get in a pew with Chuck Morgan,
and he'd start petting on me
and looking at me like he wanted to make out with me.
And he would say, "What's wrong?"
I'd say, "I'm calling a therapist tomorrow."
This is how it would start.
Every Sunday morning, I would get up.
I was the young mama, so I would get up before everybody in the dark
so that I could start getting ready.
I wanted to take my bath and blow my hair out
and put my makeup on, my pantyhose.
Back then, I wore pantyhose and a dress to church.
Then I would get my three little children up,
and I'd get them dressed and fed all by myself
because my husband was young and his frontal lobe had not developed.
And then, eventually, Chuck Morgan would get up
and pop his boxers and…
…cough up something.
Chuck Morgan doesn't use a lot of words. He doesn't like to talk.
He'd start staring at me
and doing something like this.
And I knew what that meant.
I think it's 'cause I'd had a bath.
And I had to decide.
It was up to me.
Is it gonna be a good Sunday?
Are we gonna get to go eat chicken after church?
Or is it gonna be a bad Sunday?
And Satan's gonna cuss all the way in the minivan to church.
It's up to me.
And my little children like chicken.
So I would say to their daddy…
And just think, church is already starting.
I'd say to their daddy…
"Okay."
"Meet me in the closet."
"You've got three minutes."
"I'm only taking one leg out of these pantyhose."
Thank y'all so much!
Thank y'all! Thank y'all!
Thank y'all!
I'm gonna bring out my family!
My baby.