Downloaded from YTS.BZ
- All right. - Just rest.
Just smoke, just chill.
- This is the last one. - Last one.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ
Oh.
Oh, my God, Lenny! Oh, my God.
How long we been working on this set?
- Two years. - Fuck.
- Don't fuck it up. - All right.
- Yep, yep.
He just RuPaul'd it.
"And don't fuck it up."
Please welcome...
Leslie Jones!
What's up?!
Let's go!
Let's fucking go.
Yo. Yo.
You know what's so crazy?
I'm famous.
Why would they give fame to me?
Why? Why?
I still go to 7-Eleven in my pajamas.
You not gonna stop me. Fuck you, TMZ.
You know?
But now I got different type of friends.
You know, I got rid of my...
not all of my homegirls, you know,
I need the ride sometimes, you know, so...
but I got new type of friends. I got a lot of
white girlfriends, a lot of white girls.
White girls fucking love me.
"Leslie Jones!"
So I got this one homegirl, she came over the other--
a couple of weeks ago. She was like,
"Yo, I want to go see a medium."
I was like, see, that's why...
I don't really fuck with y'all.
Cause y'all always trying to talk to dead people and shit.
Like, what's your fascination with dead motherfuckers, right?
Like, I don't want to talk to no dead people.
Especially the dead people from my fucking life?
I don't want to talk to them.
I don't need my grandmama stepping up, going,
"Why you masturbate so much?"
"Your grandmama here, bitch, there's ancestors here.
Your great grandmama is seeing this, Annette."
I don't want to talk to no-fucking-body from my life.
And my homegirl's like, no,
but, you know, my aunt died, you know,
and I want to, you know, make a connection with her.
You know what? I could tell you what your aunt said.
"Ooh, it's hot down here. Ooh, ooh...
ice water, ice water.
The devil keep fucking me."
'Cause your aunt was a whore.
I don't talk to no dead people.
If I had to talk to dead people,
I wanna talk to dead people I pick, how about that?
Like Whitney Houston, you know, come back and sing
"Saving All My Love For You," bitch.
You know what I'm saying?
I want to talk to Martin Luther King
or Malcolm X so they can look at me and go,
"Leslie, we should have sold liquor.
We would still be here, Leslie, we'd still be here."
And then Martin Luther King look at me and go,
"And, Leslie, why do you masturbate so much?"
I'd be like, 'cause I had a dream, Martin.
Talk to no fucking dead people.
She was like, "Damn, bitch," she was like,
"at the end of the session, she draws your soulmate."
And I'm like-- like, lead with that.
You know, I'm looking for a man, lead with that shit.
I was like, how much is this little trick going to cost me?
And she was like, "29.99." And I was like, that tracks.
I might find the love of my life
for 29.99.
That tracks.
So I was like, "You know this a scam,
but fuck it, let's go." We pull up to the house
and I was like, look at this, this don't even look like
- a witch's house.
Where the fuck is the gingerbread?
Where's the gingerbread? Where...
Where's Red Riding Hood? Fuck this shit.
We went to the door, she answered the door.
This bitch had a blowout and some Pilates pants.
I was like, bitch, where's your mole?
Bitch, you ain't no witch.
Where's the fucking crystal ball, bitch?
Where is it at?
We went inside and sat down,
and she went to the back and came out
with her little cart. She had this little cart
with crystals on it, and she was like...
I looked at that cart and them crystals.
I was like, bitch, I've been to Wal-Mart.
Fucking aisle eight, bitch. That is not real amethysts.
But she knew she had my friends,
So she grabbed one of the crystals and she was like,
"I have to invite the spirits.
I have to invite the spirits in."
"Spirits, spirits."
And I was like, bitch, you doing Zumba.
Stop it. Fucking Zumba.
I know Zumba. But she knew she had my homegirl.
And she went up to my homegirl, and she was like,
"The spirits..."
"The spirits," I was like, is she fucking them spirits?
She looked at my friend, she was like, "The spirits...
"The spirits want to talk to... you..."
"The spirits..."
"wanna talk to... you..."
Then she looked at my friend and she said,
"The spirit says...
take more vitamins."
What?!
That's all the spirits got to say to this bitch?
I just met this bitch, and I know she foul.
That's all that the spirits got to say to this bitch?
This bitch got seven kids and eight baby's daddies.
We ain't even figured out the motherfucking math.
She had COVID and monkeypox a year before the shit came out.
Like, what the fuck is the spirits talking about?
Vitamins.
Vaccine or some birth control. Get your ass over here
and draw my motherfucking soulmate.
'Cause I still believed in her.
So she starts drawing it,
and she looks at me and she goes,
"For $10 extra..."
"...I can do it in color."
I said, yeah, bitch.
Hope you not drawing some white bitch
for my fucking soulmate.
So she handed me the picture, and I was like, now...
I know a Property Brother when I see one.
Bitch, you was just watching HGTV.
Put this motherfucker up here,
'cause I know y'all think I'm lying.
[laughter and applause
Does he look like he can fuck me?
Does he look like he can take my caresses?
Yo, look at these dick-sucking lips.
Look at these.
These lips suck dick right here.
This is dick-sucking lips.
And what the fuck am I supposed to do
with this fucking printing? Walk up to people and be like...
Take that shit off. See, y'all thought I was lying.
She came up to me and she was like, "39.99."
And I was like, I'm gonna go talk to my spirits.
That's what I'm saying.
My spirits say you ain't getting shit.
But y'all know I paid that witch.
You know I'm not gonna do that to no witch.
She crazy.
I won't be able to shit for a fucking month
fucking around with that.
I paid that bitch. I gave her a tip.
The point I'm making is soulmates.
Soulmates. Y'all believe in soulmates?
Shut the fuck up with your dumb ass.
You dumb motherfuckers-- no, you didn't try
to be loud about that dumbass shit.
That's why you sitting there with four bitches
instead of a fucking man.
You're dumbasses-- dumbasses.
You dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb-- dumbasses.
That shit ain't real. I guess you believe
in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
Ahh! Your mama and your daddy
bought them gifts!
You think that your parents is
gonna let some man with wings...
money, and dead teeth...
come into your room
and take your dead tooth
and give you money?
CPS, bitch!
Fuck outta here.
Fucking soulmates. The fuck outta here.
Know how old I am? I had a gaggle of them motherfuckers.
A bunch of them bitches.
My first soulmate...
I remember telling my daddy about my first soulmate.
That was my first boyfriend.
I was in love. And let me tell you something,
my daddy is a real motherfucker.
Like a real motherfucker. He's always been real with me,
and that's why I've always been that person.
In sixth grade, he looked at me and said,
"You's a big bitch."
"You bigger than the other kids.
It's wrong when you hit people.
It's wrong when you hit the other kids, look at--
let's look at the hands. See how big your hands is?
That's-- it's like a grown up hitting a kid.
You can't do that, okay?
You's-- You's a big bitch."
My mom used to be like, "Don't talk to her like that."
"Shut up, Diane. She need to hear it from us.
You's a big bitch. You almost killed your mama.
You almost killed your mama."
"But I love you, and I'm gonna make
- some money off your ass."
So I tried every sport.
And the sport that stuck was basketball.
I was really fucking good. I could dunk.
I was a badass bitch. I had scholarships.
I had a future and shit.
But I fell in love with this motherfucker.
And I was like, I gotta go tell my daddy.
And my dad was mad. 'Cause he hated Richard.
He hated-- that was his name, Richard.
So, he was like, "You gonna ruin your future
for this piece of shit?
You gonna ruin your fucking future with--"
"Dad, don't do that shit. You gonna hurt you.
We do not have that much room in the living room for you."
He was like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
And I was like, I'm in love. "You in love?!"
'Cause I know what was going through his head.
Man, y'all got daughters?
All you thinking is, "She done touched a dick."
- Fuck.
You thought about every dirty thing
you did to a girl. And you just like,
"Please don't let her suck a dick in the locker room.
Please, please,
please don't let her fuck in the parking lot.
Please! Please! Lord..."
So my daddy knew I had some dick, and...
he was like, "What the fuck you talking about, you in--"
And I was like, I'm in love. "You in love?!
You ain't never told me you love me."
I was like, it's implied, Dad.
It's implied.
He was like, "You in love?" And I was like, I'm in love.
He was like, "You in love? Why the fuck you in love?
Why you in love?!"
So at that moment, I realized I had dick courage.
'Cause you know what I'm saying? You get that first dick,
you know what I'm saying, that...
- You know, it's...
- You know?
It's a different fluid in you, you know?
You know?
So, I got that dick courage.
And he was like, "Why the fuck you in love?
Why the fuck you love him?" And I was like,
"Daddy..."
"...he's a good man."
He got a 1987 Chevy Blazer.
He got a one-bedroom apartment.
He got two fish tanks, a waterbed, and a VCR.
Now, men, you got daughters.
You done put your hopes and dreams into her
and paid for her education, and she sitting there
saying that dumb shit to you.
What would stop you from breaking her neck
and burying her in the backyard?
My dad was like, "I'll kill you, motherfucker.
I can make another one like y'all!
With your big ass, I'd have to dig a big grave,
- you big bitch!"
He was like, "You the dumbest motherfucker
I ever talked to.
You got a motherfucking VCR in your room...
- right now.
So, you already got a fourth of what this motherfucker got.
And why the fuck does he have two fish tanks,
a waterbed, and a one-bedroom apartment?
Is he Aquaman?
You fucking a superhero, bitch?"
My daddy was right.
Richard wasn't shit.
I went to the ten-year reunion.
He had that same 1987 Blazer.
I was like, "You fucked me in that blazer, Richard!"
Fucking soulmates. Had a gaggle of 'em.
- My second soulmate...
my second soulmate was more of like a stalk-fuck.
Like a fuck-stalk, stalk-fuck.
Yeah, he was fucking the shit out of me.
But, hoo, I was stalking the fuck
out of this motherfucker. I was-- whoo!
That dick was good. Let me explain something to you.
So...
I talked about the first dick.
But when you get your crack-your-back dick.
Ha!
You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm...
You know, you know...
You know that shit just...
Men, if you fucking your woman, and that bitch just be like--
...you going towards the right direction.
He's fucking the shit out of me, son.
But this the thing, though. He knew I was stalking him,
but he still was fucking me. So who's more wrong?
It takes two to tango, cuz.
So, we would fuck, and then we would talk
about me stalking him.
He'd be like, "How you get in the gate?"
"Don't you be cold up there on the roof sometimes?
That's just scary. It's scary."
"I'mma not open that trunk one time,
and you gonna be in trouble now."
And I always try to keep it sexy.
I always try to keep it sexy, I... I...
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
He'd be like, "Yeah, bitch, I wanna know.
You fucking crazy, you're stalking me.
This is awful."
He had two vicious pit bulls.
Ooh, they was nasty. They would bite anybody.
Oh, them motherfuckers was so scary.
They would bite everybody except for me.
'Cause I would go in the daytime
and feed them bacon.
And he was Jewish, so you knew them dogs love me.
Them dogs...
He tried to sic them dogs on me.
He be like, "Sic her,"
and the dogs be like, "No, it's the bacon lady."
"Fucking love this bitch."
One time he did put the lock on the gate, though.
Y'all remember "Fatal Attraction"?
When she was sitting by that lamp and she was like,
I was standing in front of that gate.
I had a flashlight. I was like...
I was like, you gonna lock me out?
I'm gonna lock your ass in.
I went and got some bolt cutters,
and I cut his shit off and put my shit on.
He struggled for two hours.
And when we fucked again--
'cause yes!
He fucked me again after that shit.
Who's more wrong?
You're asking for it at this point.
He was like, "You know I had to call a locksmith."
I was like, yeah, I was there.
- I saw everything.
You should have texted me back. I have the key.
You know what's so funny about this story is that...
when I got SNL, I stopped stalking him.
I ain't want Lorne Michaels know I did shit like that.
I'm a decent person. I'm a good person.
Mm, had so many fucking soulmates.
I wrote a list.
This is for your educational purposes only.
I changed the name-- I ain't changed it.
Fuck these hoes.
- I fucked all these hoes.
Fuck 'em.
Blood pressure medicine guy.
Yep, I loved him. I loved him so fucking much.
You know what's so crazy about that joke?
It only hits in Black audiences,
you know what I'm saying?
You white people got insurance, so you...
y'all don't know about the plies of blood pressure.
I would have to fuck him before he took that medicine.
'Cause he'd go right to sleep, right to sleep.
Sometimes on top of me. It's just fucked up.
Javier likes to fuck in weird places.
Oh, I loved Javier.
Oh, I loved him. He was so hot.
He was a mama's boy, though.
Loved his mama.
Always wanted to fuck me in his mom's room.
Yeah, I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
- Okay?
But does she have to be there?
- I'm just saying...
Abuelita.
Uh, fucked a dwarf.
Don't judge me, motherfuckers.
I was-- I was going through something.
He made me feel huge.
Going to hell for that.
Used to fuck a dude named Shazam.
Every time he would come, he'd go, "Shazam!"
Then he would disappear.
That was crazy. You know what I'm saying?
He'd be like, "Shazam." I'd be like, where'd he go?
Then there was Stacy from Belize.
Whoa!
Yeah... whoo!
That sound, I'm telling you,
it's just like it sound... from Belize.
That motherfucker came there with that beautiful
big-ass dick, just came...
♪ Boo-bap, boo-bap ♪
♪ Boo-bap dap, boo-bap doo boo boo-bap ♪
♪ Boo-bap bap, boo-doo boo-boo-boo ♪
♪ Boo, boo-boo, bap bap bap ♪
Fucking love that motherfucker.
He had a beautiful, circumcised dick.
Big old circumcised.
See, did you see how quiet it got in here?
Women love circumcised dicks, y'all.
Look at, look at you uncut bastards.
You out here uncut.
We still fuck with you.
We still fuck with you, "Snuffle-ufagus."
Oh, anteater-dick-ass motherfucker.
We still fuck with you. But, you know,
it just take us a long time to get to your dick, you know?
And then when we finally get to it, it's like--
--ooh!
Ooh, I broke my nail, damn.
Is those Doritos?
We like a nice, clean, circumcised dick.
Nice and clean. Just, just... just clean.
Just-- with that mushroom helmet.
You know how that mushroom helmet...
just clean under that mushroom helmet.
Just, just, just like a...
a good butcher with a chicken breast.
- Just cut so clean and lean.
And if it's a good circumcision,
it's got the John Smith haircut in the front.
It's...
"Oh, no."
When it get hard, it look like the Mandalorian.
Here we go.
"Luke."
We like them circumcised.
'Cause dicks are beautiful.
Especially, like, dick skin?
Oh, it's impeccably made.
Dick skin. Oh, my God.
Just, ooh, just, you know, just...
You know?
This skin was-- was made by, uh, uh,
veteran gods, just...
so supple and...
just-- just like crepes.
I love crepes.
Whoo.
Stacy could fuck, man.
Stacy fucked me so good that I would buy him groceries.
Stacy need his nutrition.
But the good man and the good dick never come
in the same package.
It's like God has a cruel joke.
He be up there, drinking whiskey.
He be like...
"Put that dick on him."
"He gonna kill 'em, Abraham."
So you know, he wasn't shit. Lived with his mama.
One day, when I was putting, um...
- his groceries...
...I mean, not in his mom's refrigerator,
but...
his mom was like...
"You can do so much better."
"He my son, I know."
"I got another son."
"His dick is not as big as Stacy's,
but he got a good job, and he will treat you right."
And I was like...
nah.
I'll teach Stacy how to read, bitch.
And y'all don't drink his fucking juice.
Whoo!
Soulmates.
I'm older now, you know, I turned 57 this year.
Yeah, that shit gonna hurt later.
It's cool, it's cool.
Since I'm older, you know, I got the higher dosage
- of ibuprofen, so...
I'll just be like-- ahh!
- Whoo!
I'm blessed-- I feel blessed to make it to 57.
- But-- no, it's good.
It's true, it's true.
But then I look at this generation,
and I'll be like--
--y'all not gonna make it to 57.
Y'all not gonna make it to 57.
You're just so weak.
Ooh, you're so smart. You're stupid.
Yeah.
You know, it's our fault.
I blame us. I blame us.
We raised you like that because, see,
unlike you think we don't fucking know
what the fuck is going on, we know about the racism.
We know about the misogyny. We know about the bad pay.
But we was already in it. We got you now.
We gotta raise you. But we knew in our head,
but-- that when you grow up, you was gonna be better than us.
And look at you TikTok-ing pieces of shit.
You fucking suck!
You think fucking life is fucking easy?
Let me let you know something. Influencer is not a fucking job!
- Not a job!
Not a job.
You know who was an influencer?
My dad.
"Wash the dishes." "No."
He influenced me.
It's our fault. We raised you too fucking soft.
Y'all so offended.
Always sleepy.
And depressed and sad.
That's depression, fucking self-induced.
That's what my aunt used to tell me all the time.
Look at the root of your fucking problem.
- It's you.
We even raised you in weak-ass playgrounds.
Look at the playgrounds now.
Pussy.
Pussy, pussy, pussy.
Weak as fuck.
- We took the hot slide.
We took the hot slide
out of the fucking playground.
The lesson teacher of life.
That hot slide hit the back of that ass.
You slide-- aah!
- You learned about the sun.
You learned about different type of metals.
You learned about aloe vera.
You learned not to go down that motherfucker
at 12:30 or 1:00.
What about the merry-go-round? That motherfucker...
That shit taught you balance and trust.
Balance to stand in the middle of that motherfucker
and trust that this motherfucker right here
is gonna stop when you be like, "I'm about to throw up!"
And my big ass never stopped, I was...
They would fly off that motherfucker.
- They took the--
they took the pavement,
they took hard concrete...
hard concrete out of the fucking park.
Your rite of passage as a child
is to have white meat on your knee.
I bet you everybody who had a white meat on their knee,
I bet you survived COVID. I bet you...
'cause there's immunity in that white meat.
There's immunity.
Kids don't fucking understand.
You don't just get something for nothing.
And you know what? You will never enjoy success
until you fail.
Until you fucking fail.
I'm sorry. That's how it goes.
You won't even recognize success
until you fucking fail.
I think about that shit, and I think about,
like, my youth.
And I think about like, fuck, man, I wish
they had discovered me in my 20s and my 30s
when I still had my whole ACL,
- you know what I'm saying?
When my meniscus was meniscus-ing.
- You know?
They called me when I was 47. But it was fine.
I was still good. But shit,
I think about all the youth and energy
I had in my 20s and 30s.
And then my smarter,
much more educated mind
steps forward and goes, "Thank God,
Thank God you didn't make it in your 20s and 30s.
'Cause you was a hoe."
"And you was a dumb ho at that.
- You was..."
I'd have burned through Hollywood.
I'd have fucked everybody.
Everybody. ♪ Everybody ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Yeah, man. And I wanted to make it.
I probably would've fucked Harvey Weinstein.
I'm just being honest.
You think I haven't fucked worse than Harvey Weinstein?
I fucked a postman once.
He gave me stamps and chlamydia!
At the same time.
Hell yeah. I'mma fuck Harvey, shit.
I wanna be in "Shakespeare in Love,"
motherfucker, I wanna be
"The English Patient"
and fuck going to your hotel room, son.
Come to the house. I'm frying chicken.
You like chicken, Harvey?
We can look at my acting reel.
You think I wouldn't have been with Bill Cosby?
Yes, I would love to have a champagne glass
- of champagne...
...Mr. Cosby.
You think I didn't wanna be a Huxtable?!
I wanted to go to Hillman, bitch.
I'd have fucked all that shit up.
And he would have had to get a restraining order on me.
'Cause... 'Cause I'd have showed up to the set like,
♪ Ah, every time we fuck ♪
♪ You knock me out ♪
♪ I sleep all night, it must be the dick, ahh ♪
Probably would have fucked with Jeffrey Epstein.
You gonna tell me at 20 years old, you gonna
fly me on a private plane to a private island?
I'm fucking everybody on that island!
- I'm fucking the King.
I'm fucking Clinton, I'm fucking Tattoo.
I'm fucking Mr. Roarke.
"Da plane, da plane, motherfucker!"
And you know what?
I definitely would have testified.
Harvey Weinstein was a dirty motherfucker.
His dick looked like a gefilte fish.
It was crazy.
It was fucking crazy.
He took advantage of me being a whore.
But after my 20 Oscars, 17 Emmys,
30 Golden Globes,
and 15 Tonys, I've... changed.
Thank you.
You gotta be mature to get that joke.
You gotta be mature.
People always ask me all the time.
Kids always like, "How did you make it?"
I fucked up.
A lot.
Y'all can't think of it as fucking up or mistakes.
You gotta learn from your mistakes.
Think about-- let me give you an analogy.
Everybody's made a grilled cheese sandwich before.
Yeah, but the first time
you made that motherfucker, it wasn't good.
You might have had the wrong cheese,
maybe the wrong bread, too much butter.
But what you did was you ate that grilled cheese sandwich.
'Cause you wanted to know what you did wrong, right?
That's life.
Life is a grilled cheese sandwich.
Ha-ha! You just keep making that motherfucker, baby.
Keep making it. It may never get perfect,
but it's gonna taste better.
Yes!
You gotta learn from your mistakes.
Learn from them.
I'm still learning from my mistakes.
Like, stop fucking people at your job.
Stop shitting where you eat.
You know how I learned that?
'Cause I was a cashier at Popeye's.
I fucked a fry guy. I ain't have to fuck him.
I could have fucked the dude at KFC.
Same dude. Same dude.
Now my fryer's fucked up.
Always learning from mistakes.
Like, don't go to a Usher concert
in the middle of the pandemic.
When COVID's out there.
- You gonna catch it.
Did I catch COVID at an Usher concert?
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Is that joke corny? ♪ Yeah ♪
Me and COVID was having a good time.
Still learning from my mistakes.
Like, you can't watch animal porn for 30 minutes
and not call your fucking therapist.
It's... It's not about the rhinos anymore, Leslie.
It's... something deeper.
Everybody need to go to therapy. Everybody.
Everybody need to go to therapy.
♪ Everybody need to go to therapy ♪
♪ Need to go ♪ Everybody!
You think I ain't been to a fucking therapist?
I've been through three therapists.
My first therapist, she just quit.
Like, she quit. Like, I heard she got a boat in Guam.
I don't know. Like, she ain't answering my texts.
Second one became a stripper. She said, "Fuck it, I--
she just drove me to evil," you know?
The third one is hanging in there.
But if she write a book,
I'm gonna have to kill that bitch.
Everybody need therapy. And you know what's so crazy?
I'm not talking to the women. 'Cause women talk to anybody.
Women-- you ain't gotta tell a woman to go to therapy.
You-- I'm telling you. You look at a woman
that's going through something and be like,
"Girl, how you doing?" They be like,
"Girl, thank you for asking.
Let me tell you everything, girl."
I'm talking to the fucking men.
You motherfuckers rather walk into the middle of the street
and let a fucking truck hit you.
- You don't give a fuck.
Go to therapy.
- The gym is not therapy.
You're just getting stronger to kill us faster.
Stop going to the fucking gym.
Go to fucking therapy.
You know why? 'Cause you're sad.
You're sad.
Mm, big, strong man.
You're sad. You're sad.
And you think that shit don't affect your dick?
It affects your dick.
You think you gonna walk around sad
and depressed and shit, and your dick is just like,
"Yeah!
Where the hoes at?"
No, your dick is sad, too-- swingle.
♪ Nobody know... ♪
You sad!
It affects your dick. Go talk to somebody.
Go talk to Dr. Merle.
Your mama and your sisters
dressed you up like a little girl
when you was six. It's okay!
Go talk to Dr. Merle!
That shit affected you.
You almost fucked your male roommate.
Go talk to Dr. Merle!
It's just feelings.
Your grandmama caught you...
jacking off...
to a picture of her.
You gotta go talk to somebody!
Stop thinking women can solve all your fucking problems.
Fucking show up to a date.
We here, looking good, smelling good,
ready to have fun and shit.
And then you toss us a Rubik's Cube
of your fucked-up-ass shit.
And we sitting there the whole day.
I don't know why your daddy doesn't love you.
I don't know why he loves your brother more.
I toss that motherfucker back, I be like,
I am Leslie Jones,
not Indiana Jones, motherfucker.
I am not about to solve your crypt.
It's fucking annoying.
So fucking hard to date now.
Whoo!
That shit sounds-- "dating ain't shit" alarm
just-- whoo!
We should do that every time we on a bad date.
You know what? Whoo!
This motherfucker's over.
Check!
It's like raising kids now.
I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of the bullshit.
'Cause I'm a different motherfucker now.
You know what I'm saying? I ain't willing to do the shit
that it takes to get a man.
Not no more.
I don't wear the slut suit no more.
Fuck that. Shit all squeezed in,
you-- your uncomfortable-ass shoes.
All for you to go home and take off all my shit
and just-- pop!
You gonna fuck it. I'm still there.
I don't need no motherfucking slut suit. I'm rich.
I got a motherfucking generator.
Do you know how fucking rich
you gotta be to have a generator?
You gotta have gasoline on the property.
I talk to dudes different now.
You go home with one of them sexy girls with the slut suit,
open up her refrigerator, all she got is kombucha juice.
You open up my refrigerator, it's a full-course meal.
I kill a turkey every three days.
It's gamey, but it's delicious.
If I really want to pull out the big guns on 'em,
I'll be like, hey...
you wanna get on my health insurance?
I had a dude look at me and was like,
"Damn, my tooth is..."
'Cause dating right now fucking sucks.
- Whoo! - I'm trying to fuck
with them apps. I swear to God,
the apps is the worst thing that ever's been created.
You need to put all the apps on one app
and call it "What's Left."
Looking for the man of your dreams?
- Here's what's left.
It fucking sucks.
And listen, listen, listen.
Men who are 5'5",
fucking stop swiping right on my shit.
That shit is hurtful. That shit is fucking hurtful.
Do you see me? I am six feet tall.
My pussy is humongous.
My pussy is like 5'6", so...
You know what 5'5" look-- you know what 5'5" look like?
That's 5'5".
You're just gonna fall in.
You know what I'm saying? Just...
And then I gotta spend the rest of the night
trying to pull you...
"Please, please, Leslie! Get me out of here.
This is--"
And he'd be like, "Do you know you got
a dwarf skeleton in that motherfucker just..."
Men, y'all need to get homegirls
to help you with your fucking profile.
'Cause it fucking sucks.
The fish pictures. What the fuck is that?
What is the fish pictures?
So fucking annoying, the fish shit.
You know what we think when we see them? You stank.
Your car stank. Your bathroom stank.
Your mattress stank.
You smell like shrimp.
Coconut shrimp, fried shrimp,
sweet and sour shrimp.
You need a homegirl to help you with your fucking profile.
So, I'm gonna help you right now.
You need two pictures and a video. Okay?
The first picture is of you holding a check.
The second one is the video of you walking into the bank.
To deposit, not cash...
said check.
The...
The third one is just a great dick pic.
- You know, just...
...my favorite ones is the one where they look away.
'Cause they so ashamed how big it is.
All of my experiences haven't been great,
you know, trying to find a guy.
And I'm at the age now, I just-- I just
want somebody who know how to fuck, I mean, like,
it's really ridiculous
how un-fucking qualified you are for this job.
Y'all need to learn how to fuck, man.
And you know what? It's crazy.
'Cause, like, y'all love two things.
You love your dick. I know you love your dick.
'Cause you talk about it all the time.
"My dick."
♪ This is my dick ♪
♪ Suck my dick ♪
♪ This dick's in your mouth ♪
♪ Get the dick, get the dick ♪
But half of y'all don't know why it don't work sometimes.
Ooh, that silence.
Cuts so true.
How you don't know why your dick ain't working?
Go get your dick checked.
Go get your dick... checked.
You need therapy,
and you need to go get your dick checked.
You not taking care of yourself.
We are women. We fucking know.
You not taking care of yourself.
You not drinking no water.
You drinking Mountain Dew,
doing them fucking protein shakes and shit.
Your cum smells like bologna chips.
Go put your nuts in a man's hand,
and cough to the left.
Women, we know our fucking body since 12 years old.
Since we saw that little chart with the fallopian tube.
You know, the one that looked like Jesus holding basketball.
If we didn't take care of our shit,
you know how funky our shit would be?
Shit would smell like Michael Jordan's shoe
in the sixth game when he had the flu.
Y'all need to learn how to fuck, man.
Y'all could have caught up to us in the pandemic.
But y'all decided to learn how to make sourdough bread.
That's the second thing. You love pussy,
and you don't know shit about it.
Don't know shit about pussy, nothing.
Not a fucking thing.
You know everything about sports, though.
Even sports you don't fucking like.
I was talking to a dude, and he was like,
"Yeah, I don't like college basketball.
But, you know, in bracket one, blah, blah, blah, blah,"
That's how you're supposed to be talking about pussy.
Bracket one is the clit, bracket two is the G spot.
It's gonna be a fucking great tournament.
But nah, you be like, "Where's the clit?"
"Uh, I don't know. He got traded to Denver."
Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
You're an asshole.
You're a fucking asshole.
We know-- we know you can fuck good.
We know you got the attention span.
You just don't want to fucking do it.
You know how we know? You know how we know?
'Cause we watch you play the PlayStation.
Your finger-hand combination is impeccable.
This is the clit. This is the clit.
This is the clit...!
What's so crazy is I'm famous, again.
- It's-- It's fucking insane.
It's fucking insane. And then I realized...
You don't have to do that.
Thank you very much. I appreciate you.
But, you know,
I realized that now I gotta worry about how I die.
You know what I'm saying? So... 'cause I'm gonna die.
You know I'm gonna die, and I want to die
the way that I wanna die. Like, I wanna die two ways.
On the toilet or some dick. Same position, just--
But then I realized they gotta have a funeral,
so the funeral's gonna be crazy.
Y'all kept Aretha and Whitney down here a long time.
I need to go to Heaven, so, uh...
I don't wanna be late. I got some probation to do.
Uh...
Not gonna go straight to Heaven.
It's gonna be a procedure.
Court.
But I had to think about, you know,
my funeral, and how I want my funeral.
So I'm gonna tell y'all, okay, how I want my funeral.
Now, I'm gonna tell y'all the details
that you must remember. Now, if this is not done right,
I will haunt the fuck out of each and everyone.
If you're walking down the street
and you got an itchy ass, that's me.
I'mma always turn your TV off
when the goddamn best scene come-- clicker!
Should have got my funeral right.
So, it starts off with Jason "Mimosas."
Now, there's little details I gotta get right.
He's on the mountaintop. I'm gonna figure it out.
Shut the fuck up. Okay.
Jason Mimosas on the mountaintop.
And he got the whole "Game of Thrones" outfit on,
that Drago shit, whoo!
And he got no shirt on, and he doing his titties--
you know how they do the titties, when they go...
I love when men do that. I wish-- if I could do that,
I'd have a whole different act. You know, just...
But he ain't got no shirt on, and he doing that
with his titties, and he got his hair in a scrunchie.
And then he's feeling on his beard because it's long.
He got a scrunchie. He pulls the scrunchie off...
Okay? So, next to him is Russell Crowe.
Not the fat-ass Russell Crowe now.
Russell gotta lose some motherfucking weight.
'Cause I need him in that "Gladiator" outfit.
So, he gonna have on the whole "Gladiator" outfit.
And he's gonna be holding a golden bow and arrow.
And he's gonna look up to the camera, and go...
"Are you ready to be entertained?"
All right, now this is the most important part.
Okay? So I'm gonna have to get a special shot
that swoops down to the beach.
Now, in order to do that shot,
I need this camera called the jig.
They not gonna wanna pay for that.
So, I'm gonna buy my own jig. Okay?
So, the jig...
swoops down to the beach, right?
Where Rihanna's Super Bowl dancers is...
Now...
I had planned on Kanye and his choir,
but Kanye is a fucking asshole right now.
So, I canceled him from my fucking funeral.
And then Lizzo fucked up, so I had to cancel Lizzo.
And the Diddy shit, I'm just running out of
- motherfuckers, you know?
So, I got my eye on Doja Cat. Doja Cat.
You know what I'm saying?
So, Doja be on the beach and she be like,
♪ Ah, bitch, I said what I said ♪
♪ We all here 'cause Leslie is dead ♪
Right? Okay, now...
my body is laying...
on a raft...
that's been made out of Chippendale strippers' thongs.
- COVID hit them bad.
So they had a lot of...
they had a lot of shit.
- So they made me a raft.
And I'm laying on this raft with a beautiful
Christian Siriano lavender dress on.
My hair done.
Now this is the most important thing.
My tongue has to be out.
If my tongue is not out, I'm not dead.
So...
So, Doja Cat is, ♪ Bitch, I said what I said ♪
♪ We all here 'cause Leslie is dead ♪
And she kicks my raft, and I'm like...
So, the jig swoops
back up to Jason Mimosas.
And Russell Crowe.
He like a backup singer I never asked for,
just... "All right!"
So, Russell Crowe lights the bow...
and then hands Mimosas the bow and arrow.
And Mimosas...
It lands in the middle of the raft. I'm burning.
So, there's a little Peruvian boy.
There's a little Peruvian boy by the shore.
He's from Peruvia.
I've been taking care of him since his birth.
Him and his whole village.
Just for him to swim this one time.
He got the best coaches.
I got him Katie Ledecky.
All of... he takes a golden cup,
he put it on top of his head,
and he swims out to the raft.
As you can see, I don't know how to swim...
And he gets on the raft, and he puts
all the ashes inside of the golden cup.
And he swims all the way back.
Everybody-- his village-- they crying.
You know? Stacy's mom is there.
- He's...
"If she had just got with my son..."
So, he gets back to the shore.
And he gives the cup to Snoop Dogg.
And Snoop Dogg...
Crip-walks all the way to his lowrider.
I look like that Australian breakdancer, huh?
- Just...
Snoop Dogg drives...
all the way to my homeboy Les' weed farm--
ooh, wait, I shouldn't say his name.
- Lance.
And he gives Lance the cup of ashes.
And Lance spreads my ashes
over some nice indica seeds.
And then that plant grows
into a stalk of...
"Les Dogg."
Everybody smokes me forever!
The end.
Thank y'all so much for coming out.
I appreciate you so fucking much.
Thank you so fucking much.
- Whoo!
Aaah! Let's go.