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It's the most beautiful Time of the year
Lights fill the streets Spreading so much cheer
I should be playing in the winter snow
But I'ma be under the mistletoe
I don't wanna miss out on the holiday…
Hello, everybody! Hello! Hello! Hello!
Good to see ya!
Thank you for coming!
Thank you. Thank you.
Merry Christmas, everybody! Thank you for being here.
Thank you so much. Wow!
You guys look great!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh, this is awesome, man.
Thank you guys so much for being a part of our Christmas special.
It just felt right to do an entire show dedicated to the best holiday of the year.
And you know I had to come film it at the Christmas capital of the world.
Tempe, Arizona.
Ah.
Why not, right?
What else is going on here?
How do you even know Christmas has began in Arizona?
This makes no sense. It looks the same year-round.
I just can't imagine hanging up Christmas lights
when it's 85 degrees and sunny outside.
Whole town just looks like a fucking Margaritaville.
That's just so different for me.
I grew up-- I… I'm from Ohio,
so like, I love…
I love a white Christmas, dude.
I'm sure a Black Christmas is fun too. I'm… I'm sure it's…
I'm sure it's equally as fun. I've just never been invited.
Christmas is fun, but Black holidays are… are… are second best.
I'll give it… I'll give it that.
Juneteenth, that's a newer one. Thank you.
Friday.
Black Friday.
Ash Wednesday.
But aside…
Black holidays just don't have a Santa.
That's the only thing keeping them from being number one.
I love Santa Claus, dude.
When you're a child, Santa's everything, man.
Until he's not.
Do you remember when you found out Santa wasn't real?
Spoiler alert. Yeah. Took a chunk out of your childhood, didn't it?
It killed a little piece of you.
It's different with every person, right? How you find out about Santa.
For some people, it's more scarring than others.
For most boys, it's usually around the same time.
It's about 10 to 11 years old.
It's usually around the same time you learn how to masturbate.
It's kind of coincidentally.
It's obvious too. Your Christmas list starts to look a little different.
You're like, socks. All socks this time.
As many… As many socks as you want to bring me.
They will… They will get used.
That changes everything when you find out your parents are Santa Claus.
You're like, "My Christmas is in the hands of these people?"
You start paying a lot closer attention to the family's financial situation.
You're like, Mom's home a lot. Shouldn't this be a two-income house?
Turn these lights off. Nobody's even in this room.
Just wasting money.
Because then I feel like it does become about money.
I have a theory. As I got older, I developed a theory
that you only get to believe in Santa for as long as you can afford to.
Think about it. When you're younger, you just want cheap shit, right?
Some little race cars. Some little action figures.
Cheap stuff you can buy in abundance. It's not going to break the bank.
You can wake up Christmas morning, like, "How did I get all these toys?"
And your parents can be like, "Must be magic."
It's like $80. Not that big of a deal.
Around the same time you hit 10, 11 years old,
they see an Xbox on my Christmas list
and they're like, "Oh, we… we gotta tell him."
"That's…"
Because what's easier to believe?
That Santa got caught at the border,
and the tariffs are keeping you from getting an Xbox?
Or that none of this is real, and divorce is on the horizon, you know.
Not everything's as magical as it seems.
I… I really do believe that you get to believe in Santa
for as long as you can afford to.
I bet the Kardashians still believe in Santa.
Why not? They can definitely afford to. They have so much money.
I bet to this day, every year, a man comes down the chimney dressed up as
a woman.
I'd be willing to bet.
I would be…
Cool.
An applause break for Trana Claus?
That's uh…That's… That's awfully telling, Arizona.
Bro, how many Black Santas have been in the Kardashian house? Like, each year?
I've never had a Black Santa, but it… it sounds like a good time.
But also, can you imagine Lamar Odom as Santa Claus?
Bro, I know that's a little older of a reference.
If you don't know who Lamar Odom is, he's the huge Black basketball player
that Khloe Kardashian used to
look like.
Um…
Yeah, she's… she's had a little Christmas magic done, just a little bit.
But once the magic of Santa Claus is out the window,
I kind of feel like it's up to your friends and family
to keep that Christmas spirit alive.
I think that happens via traditions, right?
The things you guys do together collectively for the holidays.
And growing up, I didn't really realize the traditions I was missing out on.
We had a very normal Christmas.
It was never anything extravagant and amazing,
but it was never a bad Christmas.
You'd wake up, you do stockings,
open your gifts, play with your gifts till dinner's done.
That's pretty much it. It's a great Christmas.
Very blessed to have that.
I got older, found out the kind of things my friends were doing,
and I was like, I feel like I missed out on a lot of Christmas.
So one of the things I wanted to talk to you guys tonight about was
I want to get to know some of your family Christmas traditions
because I'm getting older. I'm 30.
I want to… I want to have a family, get married, have kids,
and I want to have some fun traditions to pass down to them
that they can then pass down to their kids someday.
So I'm curious if there's anybody here tonight
who has any fun family Christmas traditions
that I could then pass down to my kids
to make my family better than yours someday.
In the back there?
We play an adult White Elephant.
An adult White Elephant.
So one of the things that we do, like some of the gifts that we give,
um, like one year somebody got, like, a weenie soap.
You gave, like, a dick soap.
Like it's the shape of a dick?
No, it's just a round… just a round thing that cleans… like…
-It's just a circular thing? -Yes, yes.
-Oh, but that's dumb. -Right?
Get a full dick-shaped soap.
So that way, people have to go, "All right."
Okay, now a White Elephant is the one where it's, like,
everybody puts in a gift, and then you have a chance to steal it.
-Right. -Right?
Okay. Is there a Black Elephant?
No?
Maybe one where the gifts start out stolen?
Hey, that's my… Not anymore. Not anymore.
That's so stupid.
-That's so dumb. -One year, Grandma got the penis soap.
Grandma got the penis soap?
That's a way better Christmas song than "Ran Over by a Reindeer," by the way.
Okay.
That's a… That's a great tradition.
-What's another one? -Shavonda.
Hold on, he raised his hand like a good person. Hold on.
-What's your tradition? -Uh, we come together as a family.
You come together as a family. Like…
Um…
All right, guys, on three.
One!
Two! No, Grandpa's not ready. Grandpa's not ready.
Hold, hold, hold, hold!
Hold. Come on now. Patience, patience!
-You mean you gather for the holidays? -Yes.
You gotta work on how you say that.
Okay.
Everybody just picks a spot on the tree.
Everybody find a bulb.
Okay. So the whole family just comes together for Christmas.
Yeah, but it usually breaks out into an argument, and--
Breaks out into an argument?
-Who caused the biggest fight last year? -Uh, my…
-My grand… my grandpa. -Who do you think?
-Your grandpa? How would I know that? -He got…
What… What did he… What was he upset about?
He collapsed.
Collapsed?
Uh, he got taken in an ambulance, but…
He got taken in an ambulance?
You guys waited too long!
I held it back, and it turned into a hernia.
All right, family coming together.
I feel like that's pretty standard. What else we got? Let's do it.
Uh, the for sure gay man with… with the tattoos on his arm.
Every, uh, Christmas Eve, I would read, uh, "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
to my kids, but I would change the… the words in the book.
You'd read "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" to your kids,
but change the words in the book.
-What's your accent? -English.
English. Nice, okay.
Original Christmas.
You're… You're Mad Libbing this book to your kids?
'Twas the night before… Give me an example of something.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even the bailiffs.
Not even the bailiffs.
Because the house is a prison.
Okay.
Um, you know what? I like… I like a British tradition.
This is a… This is a new aspect of the show.
I've been to England a lot. I have a lot of fun there.
The shows are very good.
The people have always been good. You guys are just a little weird.
But very good traditions. I don't know if you guys know this,
but when you… you come inside of a British girl,
they call it a "shepherd's pie."
Yeah. It's um…
It's delicious, but it's not for everybody, for sure. It's…
It's a little gamy.
But, um, okay.
What else we got? What's another good tradition?
In the red here?
My family does, um, a Christmas trivia, stuff like Christmas questions. Like--
Christmas questions.
Who killed Jesus?
Kanye's like…
"I got an idea."
"I'm not going to say who it is."
"It was the Jews."
It was…
I like that though. The whole family plays?
It's pretty fun.
And then our prize for each question is a different level of lottery ticket.
-Oh, you win a prize with every question. -Yes.
It's not just a point system.
Yeah, so it goes from, like, $1, $5, $10, $25,
$50, and I think $100 lottery ticket.
Oh, no way.
Like, can you give me an example of like a $100 Christmas question?
I don't know right now.
I'm just now really hearing your voice, and I don't like it.
Everything sounded… I don't know if the back can hear,
but count your blessings. This is a very… a very…
I said give me an example of a $100 question.
She goes… …"I don't really know."
That's caught me…
You didn't sound like that the first half of this conversation. I'm sorry.
Caught me very off guard.
You put me on the spot.
You raised your hand.
Am I crazy?
Moving on.
No, I do like that. My kids are definitely getting trivia. Okay.
What's another family tradition?
I'll go front here.
We make tamales.
You make tamales.
Really?
Okay. What, um… What's your nationality?
Uh, I'm Hispanic.
Which one?
I don't know. I don't know my father.
You don't know your father? Oh my God.
I was like, "No way."
Hispanic and half Black?
That's amazing.
No, I'm kidding. Kidding.
Just… Just kidding.
Just kidding.
-You really don't know your dad? -No, I do.
You do. Okay, don't… Now you made me racist for no reason.
I'm Mexican. We never… We don't--
Mexican. You know what?
That's actually great to be Mexican for Christmas in Arizona.
You don't have to worry about ice.
That's great.
Okay, tamales. I love… I love a tamale.
I ate the husks until I was about 13.
I had… I had no idea.
As a white person going to a… a Mexican friend's house,
I was like, "Yeah, the tamales are good, but they're fucking hard to bite through."
And they're like, "No, you gotta… you gotta peel it back, dude."
I was like, "Oh, all right, got it."
We're trying so hard to hang on by a thread to keep it going
because the next generation, they just can't do it the right way.
They're like, their fingers are hurting. They're complaining about labor.
-Having to go through-- -Hold on.
Mexicans complaining about hard work? What's happening to this world, man?
This generation's doomed, man.
It's because they all married white boys.
-They all married white boys. -Yeah. We're mixing it up.
My kids have green eyes.
Your kids have green eyes. You… You married a white guy.
-Yeah. -So you're part of the problem.
Where's your… Where's your husband now?
Oh, I don't have one anymore.
You don't have one anymore?
Oh my God.
He was white. My family didn't like him.
He was white. Your family didn't like him.
It's good to know racism's… racism's, you know, all the way around, you know?
Oh boy. You would love my boy, Kyle.
He's in here. He's one… He's one of the camera ops in here.
Kyle loves Latinas.
He's… He's… He's a… He's a white guy, but he is about it.
-I promise. -Tell him I said what's up.
He's… He's very cute. He's, uh…
Kyle's fucked so many Latinas his dick's permanently a hot Cheeto.
Like, he… he loves that shit, man.
-Tell him I said what's up. -I'll tell him.
I'll see him after the show.
All right, don't be open to it and not really be about it, okay?
He's the real deal.
I want him to find love, and I know he wants a Latina.
He won't even eat your ass unless you put Tajín around the rim. Like, he's…
He's the real deal.
All right, I'll see what I can do.
Fuck it. Kyle?
Oh, hilarious, he's right there.
All right, well, it's an open invitation, all right?
It's a Christmas miracle. Thank you.
It's a Christmas miracle. No problem.
I'm going to go with the blue bow right here.
Okay, we do Hanukkah, but we do Hanukkah pajamas.
Hanukkah, but Hanukkah pajamas.
Are they striped?
Bunch of Christians. They don't…
They don't get it.
I feel like I just ruined a whole tradition for you guys.
You gotta take history into account for a lot of these traditions.
When did this start? Ever since you were a kid?
-No, I started it when I became a mom. -Oh, when you were a mom. You started it.
I love that. I love seeing the first person to start something new.
That's what I'm trying to do myself. How many kids do you have?
Um, five-ish.
Five-ish?
What does that mean?
Um, one of them died.
One of them… Aw, you bitch.
Here's why I don't feel bad.
She delivered it with such a sense of humor and a smile on her face.
I love this is somebody who's taken a traumatic situation
and now's found beauty in it and can have a sense of humor about it.
Thank you for coming to a comedy show with that kind of energy.
I appreciate it.
Okay, matching pajamas. That's a great tradition.
What's another one?
Kwanzaa.
-Kwanzaa right there? No way! -Yeah.
I've never met a Kwanzaanian before.
I have no idea how you would even say that.
I don't know anything about it.
Will you please walk me through what it's about?
So, Kwanzaa was invented by a Black guy that was like,
"Fuck Christmas. We need our own shit."
It was invented by a Black guy who said, "Fuck Christmas. We need our own shit."
-I mean, basically. -Okay, no, that's fine. I get it.
They pulled from everywhere.
There was a splash of Hanukkah, so there's a kinara. It has candles.
Oh wow. But there's no… there's no Santa Claus.
-No. No. -No. Is there a figure of… of Kwanzaa?
No.
What?
No, there isn't.
Man, there should be.
Just a Black guy with a beard.
He's dressed in South Pole.
You guys remember South Pole, the clothing brand?
Oh, bruh, if you had some South Pole and some Phat Farms in, like, 2007,
you were killing it, man.
Huh.
So what is the celebration that is happening, then?
So each day has a different meaning, uh, and a different word.
So one day is, like, "unity,"
one is "community," one is "family."
Oh.
I don't even have them all memorized, but…
So there is like a little table that you put up
and there's different things that represent the struggles of Black people,
and there's corn on it and harvest, and…
This sounds like something not that fun for me.
Okay.
And today's Black struggle is… Ooh, another one?
Oh man.
Oh shit.
-But there's… there's a word for each day. -Yes, there is.
Oh. Which one's the N-word?
-Which day? -Nia. Nia.
Wait, which one?
-Nia. -Nia? Can I even say that?
Do we gotta bleep that?
Okay, you can say that one?
Phew. Okay.
We almost had to… We almost had to end the entire show right now.
The day of Nia.
Which means…
-Google it. -Google it?
-It's that bad? -No, I just don't remember it.
Oh, I thought you were saying Nia stood for the N-word,
and I was like… I was like don't let that be a different version of it, and I…
now my whole life's over.
God, you were just saying there is one that starts with an N.
Got it.
Phew. Okay.
Thank you.
My Nia. All right.
Scared me to death.
Whoo! All right.
Moving on.
This is good. This is a learning experience.
I've never met somebody who celebrated Kwanzaa before.
This is awesome. Thank you for being here.
So we have Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, any… any Muslims here?
Oh, right here? For real?
Oh, no way! Nice!
-What's up, y'all? How you guys doing? -Good, and you?
You guys do Christmas as well?
-Like the Santa version? -We have our own. It's called Eid.
-Eid. -Yeah.
What do you guys do for that celebration?
Um, the biggest thing is, uh, prayer usually.
-Prayer. -Uh, it's like a community-led prayer.
-Community leads the prayer. -Yeah.
No gifts at all?
Uh, money.
-Money? -Yeah.
Feels very Jewish.
So you… Huh.
Okay.
Interestingly enough, in 2030, Eid and Christmas will be on the same day.
In 2030, Eid and Christmas will be on the same day.
Interesting.
So in 2030, for the first time,
a Muslim holiday and an American holiday will be on the same day.
-Yeah. -Wow, that hasn't happened since 9/11.
Huh.
Interesting.
I'm going to stay home all of 2030, actually. No… No flights.
Everybody just stay where you're at.
Mm.
You guys have your foreskin?
No?
I know that's a crazy thing to ask,
but, like, if we're… if we're learning, why not?
All right. Just curious about it. Gone. Got it. Okay.
I don't care if you guys laugh tonight or not, you learned something right now.
Yeah, that could have went either way. I… I wouldn't have had a guess either way.
I'm kind of mad you guys miss out on the presents aspect of…
Because for Christmas, presents is the… is the best part, dude.
You wait all year just to unwrap some presents, hopefully.
I've got to say, as much as I looked forward
to getting presents as a kid, now that I'm… I'm 30,
it feels so much better to give a good gift.
See that expression light up on their face?
Maybe it was something sentimental, something you handmade.
Maybe it was something they needed that they didn't even…
They didn't know you knew they need it.
So that surprise just lights them up. I… I love that feeling now.
By far the best gift I've ever given anybody.
I don't know how long you guys have been fans of mine or what of mine you've seen,
but on my second YouTube special, Matthew Steven Rife,
I told a story about how I bought my grandpa
a pocket pussy for Christmas.
And he, um…
If you haven't seen it, he broke it…
…because he really enjoyed it.
So the next year I got him an even better pocket pussy that was more durable.
And he had that one until the day he died a few years ago.
But when he did die, he passed it down to me.
So now I have the pocket pussy,
and we had him cremated and put inside the pocket pussy.
So now every Christmas, we prop him up on the mantel above the fireplace,
and it's like he's a part of the family for Christmas still.
And in the spirit of Christmas, it really wouldn't feel right
to leave him out of the festivities.
Uh, we do believe in reincarnation, so we've… we've… we've renamed him Ashley.
And yeah, my grandpa had just never been to Arizona.
You can tell the dry weather's getting to him a little bit, but, um…
couldn't, uh… couldn't deprive him of this… of this occasion.
To this day, that's the best gift I've ever given anybody.
The… The way he lit up when he opened it… My mom knew about it too.
I told her 'cause I was laughing about it too much.
We all thought his reaction was gonna be like, "What the fuck?"
But he was so sincerely like, "Thank you."
"Thank you."
And to this day, like, that's the reaction I strive for every time I give a gift now.
So I'm… I'm curious if there's anybody in here tonight
who has received or given a gift to somebody or yourself
that resonated in a… a similar way.
Has anybody else gotten like an amazing or absolutely terrible gift?
Right here.
My 16-year-old, I gave him lube.
You gave your 16-year-old lube?
Oh shit.…
-Is he packing like that? -Yeah.
Really? Wait, hold on. That was… Hold on.
That reaction was disgusting. Come on.
I was like, "Oh, is your son packing so much that he needs lube?"
And she goes, "Yeah, he, um…"
Have you seen it?
Well, he told me.
He told you? Well, what'd he say?
He just said his is very big.
Well, we all think that until we… until we play a sport.
And then we go, "Oh."
I know why I'm not starting.
Okay.
Understandable.
He said, "Mine is very big."
Okay. I love the confidence.
He was using, like, I guess, soap?
He was using soap? No!
Oh my. Every guy has been in the shower and been like…
It's straight in your dick hole. It's the worst pain.
It's what I imagine getting cum in your eye feels like as a woman.
Naturally, you're thinking, "What do you do to help him?"
-So I bought this huge-- -What do you do to help him?
That's so thoughtful.
I added him to my Amazon account so that he can order it whenever he wants.
It's added to her Amazon account
so he can reorder any time that he wants.
That's amazing.
Wow. How many… How many times has he repurchased?
Probably five or six times.
Five or six times?
Oh my God.
It's gonna be fucking calloused.
That's insane.
He's gonna be 18 now, so…
He's gonna be 18?
In two years, he's gone through five bottles?
Where is he right now?
-At home. -At home, fucking starting a fire?
I'm so concerned.
Oh boy.
Oh, he's going to fucking… He's going to tear a rotator cuff.
You got to go easy.
That's so crazy.
Okay.
I mean, he's got a great family.
Great mom. You're by far the best mom I've spoken to today.
That's pretty great.
Great gift.
Which actually is a good time right now.
For the viewers at home, if you want to pause right now to jerk off…
…we'll be right here.
You got this. Come on.
Finish up. We're back to the show.
All right. What's another good or terrible gift?
-Right here? -Yeah. I, uh, gave my wife a vacuum.
-You gave your wife a vacuum? -Yeah.
As a joke? Or were you like…
No, obviously. It was within the first year of marriage,
and I thought it was a great thing.
Said she wanted one.
She wanted one on, like, a Thursday, dude. Not… Not as a Christmas gift.
It's so suggestive.
Oh man, what a wonderful Christmas. Who's going to clean this up?
We're not married anymore.
-You're not even married anymore? -No, no, no.
Couldn't even sweep up the pieces of your marriage. Unbelievable.
So who… who's this?
-Oh, this is… -Hi, it's…
She's not getting a vacuum.
Well, can somebody get her some water? 'Cause that was…
I said, "Who's this?"
Jesus!
Just dating. Congratulations, I think.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
You got a… You got a brace on your wrist. What happened?
Didn't vacuum enough?
Netflix cannot put that out there, dude.
That is… That would be two specials in a row.
I can't… I just… I don't want to deal with it.
Cut it. Unbelievable.
Okay. Vacuum.
I can see how it could… how you were like,
"No, this is something that I… I remember her saying."
"We need it for the house."
-"I'll get it for Christmas." -Yeah.
Good thought, bad timing.
That's… We'll have to round that up to that.
What's another… What's another one?
Right here in the… in the sparkles?
I am Asian.
Nuh-uh.
And one of my relatives got me an African American doll
because they didn't have an Asian doll.
Oh!
That's pretty funny.
What did, uh… What did you name her?
I don't even remember.
Yeah, you do.
There's these two Black women in front of you
who, uh…
who were just waiting for a Shaniqua.
That couldn't be better placement.
I'm so happy… so happy you guys sat next to each other.
Oh, that's really funny.
You still have fun time playing with her?
-Of course. -Okay.
Weren't a lot of Asian toys back in the day.
-I got a lot of African American dolls. -You got a lot of Black dolls?
That's so funny.
I don't know.
Black women, how do you guys feel about this?
Is it good… Is it good for inclusion?
Or how do you feel about her controlling a Black person?
I'm kind of on the fence about it myself. Really.
But what voice did you give her?
Everyone does a voice with their toys, right?
I'm… I'm just picturing a little Asian girl being like,
"Bitch, you know… you know what?"
That's so funny to me.
Mm-hmm.
Or was it…
Or was it this little Black doll going, "Haro."
That… Either one is so wrong.
Oh my God.
Next. Um…
Eh, fuck it. We'll go right here.
So, uh, a couple of years ago, I got diagnosed with testicle cancer.
So my coworkers gave me half a nut sack for Christmas.
They gave you half a nut sack for Christmas.
A plastic one. Yeah.
A plastic one. Oh, I thought it was like a half-eaten bag of peanuts.
Oh man.
Did you end up losing it?
-Um, yeah. The real one, yeah. -No way.
Did you get to keep the one they took out?
-No. -What?
They didn't give me the option.
-What? -That's what I said.
They'll give you back kidney stones.
You're telling me I can't have my ball back?
You gotta… You should get it fucking bronzed like baby feet.
Like, you know what I mean? Like…
People bronze their little baby shoes or something like that.
That'd be great.
Put it in a nutcracker's mouth for Christmas or something.
So when you… when you do lose one, do they put, uh,
a fake one in there to even it out? Or…
No, it's just empty.
You're just…
-You're just turkey-necking it. -Exactly.
So just the one down there right now?
Just like a fuck… Just a grandfather clock. Just…
Nice.
Now when you-- I'm curious about this. When you… when you lose one testicle,
do you come faster?
Or slower?
-Has it affected it whatsoever? -That's a question for her.
Ma'am?
It's the same.
-About the same? -Thirty seconds.
Thirty seconds.
Nothing wrong with that.
It happens to be exactly how long it takes to get to Mars.
So, nothing wrong with that.
Okay. What about the amount?
-It's the same amount. -Same amount. Really?
Huh.
Just less shots.
-Less shots. -Yeah.
But… But the same?
So it went from like…
To now one just…
It shouldn't be the same.
We went south with the visuals real quick.
Okay. Lost a nut.
Half a nut sack.
Those are good coworkers. I like that a lot.
All right.
The hat right here.
Sixty decks of cards.
Oh, dude, I did not know you were a guy.
I'm gonna be completely… I'm gonna be completely honest, man.
You look like a baby-faced lesbian.
That caught me… That caught me so off guard.
I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.
Continue.
Sixty decks of cards.
-Sixty decks of cards. -Yeah.
Somebody got that for you?
-Yeah, my mom. -Why?
Uh, I'm a professional magician.
-What? No way. -Yeah.
-Holy shit.
This is… You don't have to if you don't want to.
-You got cards on you? -I do.
Shut the fuck up.
-Can you… Could you do a trick? -Yeah.
-For real? -Yeah. Can I do it?
Fuck it. We're doing it. I… I love magic, dude.
I love magic.
You just…
Always.
-What's… What's your name? -My name's Gino.
Gino. Nice to meet you. You carry a deck of cards with you at all times?
Always. Yeah, it's one of the sixties. We're at 59 now.
Dude, wait till you try pussy.
It's gonna change your life, man.
That's…
This is… This is crazy, man.
I love magic. It's like one of my… It's one my favorite fucking things.
I have this whole theory in my head. The magician's, like…
-That magic is totally real. -Yeah.
My theory is that magic's real, right?
And that there's like this other realm,
like a Harry Potter, but the number one rule is
you're not allowed to do magic in front of normal people.
You're not allowed to monetize off of it. So you see all these famous magicians.
My theory is they were like, "Fuck that. I'm gonna go make bank
in this different world."
And then sometimes they're… Sometimes…
-Sometimes it's just this, but, um… -Yeah.
Okay, okay. All right. So you… How do you want to do it?
Yeah, just name any card in the deck of cards.
Any one you'd like.
-Say it? -Yeah.
Uh, seven of hearts.
Seven of hearts. Oh, look. I dropped it on the ground right here.
What the fuck?
Dude.
-Oh, this is crazy already. Okay, okay. -Watch the seven of hearts. Ready?
-Okay. -What I do, I bend it like this.
Now I do this so you can watch the seven. Right? So it's gonna go in the middle.
-Okay. -Confirm to everyone it's in the middle.
Watch close. You're gonna see this happen. Ready? One, two, up.
Like that.
-Dude. What's crazy-- -Turn it over.
As soon as it popped up, I got hard a little bit.
I got him going.
He snapped, and I was like, "ha."
-Bro-- -Oh, there you go.
It's the fucking seven of hearts, dude. That's crazy.
Want to see one more?
Yeah, do one more, dude. Why not?
I was so confident
that you were gonna call me up here and name the seven of hearts,
I put one card in my hat.
Shut the fuck up, dude.
Bro!
-That's amazing. -Thank you.
Holy shit.
Thank you so much.
Go sit down. Go sit down.
Bro. One more time for Gino.
Holy shit.
Gino!
Gino! Whoo!
When I turned and I was like, "What the fuck," before he did the hat thing,
did he fucking do anything to put anything in?
What the fuck, dude?
Demon.
My… My all-time favorite hater comment is like,
"Plant. He must know that person. He had to set it up beforehand."
Have I fucking ever met you, ever, Gino?
-Not at all. -No. I thought you were a little girl.
Never.
I want to go on record right now, never met this dude.
I… As soon as he was like, "I was confident you were gonna bring me up."
"Seven of hearts." I was like, now I regret it.
Just a little bit.
Just so that all night, when he left here tonight,
he had to go…
Show's over, really.
I don't know… I… I don't know how, unless I fucking…
Their foreskin's back on.
That would be the craziest thing.
That would be… That would be… whole show is over.
Bro, that's, uh… that's awesome, Gino.
Thank you… Thank you for sharing that, dude.
What else we got?
-Sir, with his hand up right here. -Best gift I get every year.
-Every year? -Every year.
-My in-laws are with me, so bear with me. -Okay.
But my wife does a monthly photo shoot of all these sexual boudoir…
Nude.
Hold on, hold on.
Every month, your wife will do
-a sexually themed photo shoot. -So what she does…
She takes me on a monthly date, so every December I get a book or maybe cards.
Um, I think this year it's a calendar. I'm hoping. Um…
Okay, but it's not a photo for every day of the month.
-It's just for the theme of the month. -No, no. Yes.
So naked photo, holding balloons on her tippy-toes.
I wish you guys could see her parents right now.
They're like,
"She used to be such a good girl."
Oh man.
That was the date for that month, was hot-air ballooning,
so I have to try to figure it out.
Hold on, real quick. What does she do for February?
February is my birthday, so that one's always a little darker, more like…
Darker?
You know, it's also Black History Month. You know that, right?
All right.
What was July?
-That's my birthday, so I was just… -It's your birthday?
I was spread-eagled, naked in my birthday suit.
Just… Just shooting Roman candles out of her pussy? Just…
Wow, that's an amazing gift. You guys are fun as shit.
You guys have kids?
-Three. -We do. Three.
Three. Oh boy.
Wait till they find this calendar someday.
Man, that's also traumatizing.
Like, don't put that calendar on the fridge.
You don't want soccer practice written under mom's just gaping asshole.
I've never been more sure a couple's gonna make it in my entire life.
This is amazing. There's romance.
Aw.
It's even better that your… that your…
your parents are here for this, to be honest.
Uh, Mom and Dad?
-Yes. -You guys ever done anything like that?
Probably worse.
Hold on, hold on. Let's… Let's hear them out.
Anything of the same realm?
What did… What did you guys get for your anniversary? That's worse.
What did you get for your anniversary?
Plane tickets to have sex on an airplane ride.
Mile High.
-All right. -Mile High Club.
Mile High Club. And did… Have you guys done it yet?
Oh yeah.
Nice!
What airline?
It's in Vegas.
It's in Vegas. There's just a sex plane?
Yeah.
That's disgusting.
Can you imagine getting a middle seat on that plane?
Are there other people on the plane?
The pilot, but it's closed and he has headphones.
-But it's like a private plane? -Yes.
Oh, okay.
I thought this was like Southwest Airlines.
And there was, like, one bathroom and then just lines of couples being like,
"Come on!"
"We're halfway to fucking Phoenix, dude. Let's go!"
This is…
You guys are awesome, man. That's a fucking… That's a fantastic gift.
Good for you guys.
All right, we're going to pivot out of this, okay?
If we're going to talk about presents,
we have to talk about how you get the presents, right?
Not everybody gets gifts for Christmas.
You got to end up on the list, right? Got to make the nice list.
Everybody knows Santa has a list, checks it twice.
If you've been good, you end up on the nice list.
You get… get… You get gifts.
If you were not nice this year, you end up on the naughty list.
You don't get any gifts at all. I think that's a very important tradition
a lot of us should take further into life.
I think at the end of each year,
we should all do a little self-reflecting and think back,
and say, "Wow, was… was I nice this year?"
"Was I a good person? Did I maybe do something selfless?"
"Could I have helped somebody out?"
"Is there something I could improve on for next year?"
"Or did I end up on the naughty list?"
Which is easier to end up on.
It's a lot more fun, for sure.
But I think we should all strive to be as nice as possible,
even if… even if it doesn't end nice. At least try.
I try to make the nice list every year.
And no matter what city I'm in for the last show before Christmas,
I'll do a toy drive. I'll invite all the audience to bring a toy.
I go buy a couple hundred toys.
We donate them to like whatever the local children's hospital is in the city.
It… It feels like a selfless thing to do.
It's nice to do something for somebody else.
There's a lot of moms there who are about to have a lot of free time on their hands.
So it kind of skews naughty, just a little bit.
I'm curious if there's anybody in here who did anything this year
who might have wound them up on the naughty or nice list.
I'll stay up here all night.
Right here.
Um, my husband had kidney troubles for years,
and this year he needed a kidney,
so I tested to possibly be a donor for him.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to because of my own medical history,
but my new son-in-law,
they had only been married a month, donated his kidney to him.
No way.
-Doing great and living life! -That's crazy.
Funny thing is, I don't know if you know,
they don't actually replace a kidney. They give him a third kidney.
-I did not know that. -So…
So you have… you have three kidneys right now?
-Yes, I do. -No way.
Do you feel more full?
No, but I can actually feel it. They put it in the front.
-You can really feel it up front? -Yup.
No way, like a little fanny pack.
Oh, that's pretty awesome.
You said the son-in-law had only been married to your daughter
for about a year?
-No, like a… Three months. -Month and a half.
A month and a half?
They found out on their honeymoon that he was… he was a match.
-No way. -On the beach in Mexico.
Way to ruin their vacation.
That's… That's pretty-- Where the fuck are your kidneys?
-They're… -In the back.
They're… They're in the back. And they put one up front now?
That seems dangerous.
You seem easy to fight.
Now.
-Too old to get in a fight, so it's okay. -Too old to get in a fight. I love that.
Give me your fucking wallet. Right now.
'Cause you're not gonna…
No. Now that I know you won't defend yourself, this is good.
Okay. Wow. Yeah, the son-in-law.
What a guy, what a guy. Nice list, for sure.
Yeah. Kind of can't get mad at him for pumping your daughter now, right?
Like, he saved your life.
He got… He gets one now. You know what I mean?
He actually changed his last name to… to my daughter's last name.
Oh, wow. So she's pumping him.
Man, took this man's kidney and his last name.
You… Oh, wow. That boy's going through it, man.
Okay.
Who else is on the nice list?
Right back here in the Santa hat.
Yeah, I'm a scoutmaster for a troop in the Phoenix area.
I take them camping for over a week, uh, every summer.
Oh, that's awesome. Chris Hansen. Will you come out real quick?
Yeah, you want to come out 'cause um…
We got him.
You're a scoutmaster.
Take them into the woods for a little bit.
Every year.
Okay.
Is this, uh, like… like a Boy Scout kind of thing?
It's, uh, Scouts, yeah. Now it's, uh, girls and boys, but…
Now it's girls and boys. Got it. Now you got options.
Yeah.
Good for you.
I didn't know they still did that at all.
Now, when you take them into the woods, are they learning any special skills?
There's an ice cream eating contest without your hands.
Who judges the contest?
Some of the counselors.
That's disgusting, dude.
Yeah, number four's got it.
That's, uh… Man, there's nothing but a problem with this.
Let me ask you something just based on your voice.
Gay?
-Yep. -Yep.
I'm surprised you don't hold a hot dog eating contest while you're out there.
All right.
How mad were you that they started bringing girls along for this trip?
They're gonna ruin it.
Naughty list, for sure, man.
I know you're trying to do a good thing, but there's no way.
Not letting that slide, dude.
Oh man.
Yeah, that's, um… That's a police report.
Okay, so what else?
-I got one. Nice list. For sure. -You've got a nice list moment?
What did you do?
So we went to California, Newport Beach. We're at the pier.
A mom is screaming, hysterical.
She can't find her son.
-A mom couldn't find her son at Newport. -We have three kids.
We have an 11-year-old and two 8-year-olds, twins.
You have an 11-year-old and two 8-year-olds.
-So you gave the mom one of your kids. -Yep.
-Nice. -We had a twin.
One of the twins, preferably. You're not even going to notice, you know?
So as a mom, I'm sure all the moms can know,
if that was you, you'd want everyone in the world helping you find your kid.
Of course.
So I ask her, "What does your kid look like?"
"Show me a picture. What's your kid's name?"
I said, "Everyone grab a kid," because we have too many kids.
Everyone grab a kid.
That's what he says too.
Everyone buddy up.
All the bigs, grab a small. All the smalls, grab a big.
So we start running around Newport Beach looking for this kid, right?
Mm-hmm.
And I see this little boy with a man holding him by the… by the arm.
A man was holding him by the arm?
Was he holding him like, "Found him?"
Or like, "Come on."
-Like angrily. Yeah. -Angrily?
I say the kid's name, he looks at me, and I said, "Oh my God, this is him."
And I was like, "Who are you?"
And he says, "I'm his dad."
And I said, "Well, come with me."
We go to the mom. It was the dad, but they were absolutely hammered, wasted.
And I think the kid just wandered off. But we found the kid.
Oh wow. No, hold on, hold on.
She didn't find the kid. The dad found the kid.
I connected the family.
You connected the family.
It… It sounds like they weren't going to make it, regardless.
All right, all right.
-You got the assist. -Nice?
Okay. I'm gonna go nice list on that.
Your intentions were in the right place, but also, mind your fucking business.
You know what I mean?
Don't you hate when somebody comes over and tells you how to parent, you know?
All right. Going back to naughty list, then.
You. Right back here.
Sitting next to fucking BMX Mike Wazowski.
Okay.
I would like to expose my mother.
Okay.
Um, so when she was growing up, she contracted, um, polio. So she--
She got polio?
Yeah, so now, in her older years, um, she has post-polio syndrome, so--
It gets you again?
Yeah.
She's had to have her ankles fused together. She can't really walk.
Her ankles have been fused together? Your mom's a fucking mermaid?
Uh, that's a nice… a… a nice way of describing her.
That is a nice way to describe her.
You could say turned her into a taquito? I don't know what else…
Okay, so ankles are fused together.
So sometimes she has to use a… a walker. Sometimes--
-A walker? -Uh, um…
-That's exactly what it looks like! -That's so sad.
She's essentially disabled.
I'd say so.
You know the commercials?
The sad animal commercials?
The Sarah McLachlan ones, yeah.
They have, um, children who are spokespeople
for Shriners Children's Hospital.
-Okay. -They ask for donations.
They ask for donations.
And my mother was visiting us and we were watching TV,
and the commercial came on, and as a disabled person herself,
she looked at these children asking for money,
and to one of them, she said,
"I want to cunt punch that kid in the face."
Your mom, being disabled, saw a sick kid
and said, "I want to cunt punch that kid in the face."
The kid was in a wheelchair?
That's right at cunt height.
That's…
She also thinks that the children for St. Jude with cancer
are faking cancer.
She said they're faking it?
These kids should beat your mom's ass, man.
Yeah, now I want to see her and those kids go back and forth.
"I'm gonna cunt punch ya."
"Pry it open, bitch."
Yeah, how far is she fused?
Not enough.
That's pretty crazy.
It's just ironic that she herself is disabled.
Here's the thing. If she wasn't disabled, she'd be the worst person alive.
We actually sent in a donation on her behalf
so she gets the… she gets the blanket.
They fucking FDR'd her?
Just got the blanket over her?
Yep.
"Aw, it's a nice donation blanket." "It's fake."
This is a perfect example of like,
you know when somebody has a good sense of humor,
they've actually experienced life?
People who get offended by everything,
you can tell they haven't been through anything.
That's somebody who… who… who beat polio once,
lost the second time,
now has a good sense of humor about it.
We're all winning because of her sense of humor.
Exactly. You passed that down.
Passed on those good spirits. I like that.
I love your mom. Bring her next time. We'll get a fucking…
We'll… We'll get a fish tank up here or something. Whatever…
Whatever needs to be done.
Who else feels they contributed this year?
Santa hat right here?
I rescue donkeys.
You rescue donkeys?
From Mexico?
I'd hate to be a donkey rescue from Mexico, man.
"I was getting my dick sucked five nights a week."
"Now you… Now you got me on this fucking farm?"
Where do you rescue them from?
Wild burros, right by my house, in the desert.
Wild burros, like, they'll just be in the desert?
-Yeah. -No way.
Just wild out there, but then…
There's little babies out there. They get orphaned,
and then I take them into the wild burro rescue right by my house.
That's adorable.
I think rescuing is an absolute nice list.
My puppy is actually a rescue.
We got a little 10-month-old pit bull at home.
I love him so much.
I love him so much. His name is Hammer.
He's actually got a little stocking right here.
Dude, he's just the cutest little pit bull. I love him.
I hate that he's going to bite a kid someday, but…
That's what they do.
This was actually his first Halloween. We got him a little Michael Vick jersey.
I'm pretty excited about it. Yeah. Yeah. I think enough…
Maybe enough time has passed.
Let's do one more.
-Oh, right here? What's up, man? -Um…
-Man, I think, right? -Yes, sir.
Okay.
You could be a Mexican lesbian, for sure. Without a doubt.
Okay.
I know the people in the back can't see, but picture it. It's…
Whatever you're thinking, yes.
She, uh, helped a… about late eighties
um, early nineties, uh, old lady that was trying to hop on a horse.
Your girl helped a 90-year-old woman get on a horse.
It was her… It was her last, like, wish.
-It was her last wish. -Yes, so…
She… She passed away shortly after.
She passed away shortly after. How many minutes after…
…when you put
…this crotchety woman up on a wild beast?
So, like… So she… ah…
The person who run… who ran the, uh, care facility
was friends with someone that I knew.
And they said, "Michelle knows--"
And you work with horses?
Yes, I work with horses. She has a really nice horse.
She'll be able to ride it before she goes.
I know it's a nice thing to do, but it…
it's also second-degree murder, I'm pretty sure.
Well, you have several people with you. So it's not like--
You don't want to laugh by yourself when she falls. That's good.
I used to do, uh, therapeutic riding with a lot of people, so you always--
Therapeutic riding? What is that?
Uh, so like anyone who has, uh, MS or in a wheelchair,
you help them on a horse, and you can grip them.
You put people who have MS…
I put people who can't control anything on a horse.
You put paralyzed people up on horses.
Yes. Super irresponsible.
-You put anybody up there? -Anyone.
You gotta put her mom up there.
Just fucking…
Just… Just sleeping bag it.
That's pretty good. I'm gonna go… I'm gonna go nice list, even though…
You fucking… Come back next show, tell me something that went wrong, all right?
That has such good potential for naughty list.
Mm. No, but I do think the nice list is a very important part of the show,
'cause the world feels so fucking awful.
Doesn't it feel like people are assholes?
Like, every single day, the world is so negative.
It's really nice to go around the room
and shed light on good people doing good things for others.
And honestly, that's why I fucking love Tempe.
Why I wanted to come film a special here. I knew there was good people
who had a little Christmas spirit left.
So thank you for being a part of that, first and foremost.
Honestly, like, this is what Christmas is about.
It's about getting together with your loved ones, your friends, your families,
your… your… your colleagues,
and putting aside all the bullshit you've dealt with all year long
and just enjoying a holiday full of love, laughter, and joy.
I honestly hope this Christmas you find a reason to smile.
I hope you find a reason to make somebody else smile.
I hope you have half as much fun as I had filming this special.
Tempe, you are amazing.
I love you so much. Thank you for being my home for this special.
And to you at home, I love you, and I wish you a very Merry Christmas.
Thank you, everyone.
Sir, with the hand up.
I don't remember a gift I've given,
but I have one now that I would like to give.
You want to give me a gift?
Um, not necessarily.
Oh shit.
No way!
Oh my God. Say no!
Well, ask her. Be a man.
-Will you marry me? -Oh my God.
-Louder for the people in the back. -Will you marry me?
Congratulations!