1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.LT

2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

3
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:09,968
[wind whistling]

4
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:15,724
["Mistletoe" by Justin Bieber playing]

5
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:18,852
♪ It's the most beautiful
Time of the year ♪

6
00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:21,688
♪ Lights fill the streets
Spreading so much cheer ♪

7
00:00:21,771 --> 00:00:24,482
♪ I should be playing in the winter snow ♪

8
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:27,485
♪ But I'ma be under the mistletoe ♪

9
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:30,613
♪ I don't wanna miss out on the holiday… ♪

10
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:32,323
[audience cheering]

11
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:36,327
Hello, everybody! Hello! Hello! Hello!

12
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:37,370
Good to see ya!

13
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:39,080
Thank you for coming!

14
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,749
Thank you. Thank you.

15
00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:43,918
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Thank you for being here.

16
00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:46,337
Thank you so much. Wow!

17
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:47,714
You guys look great!

18
00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:50,925
[chuckling]
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

19
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,052
Oh, this is awesome, man.

20
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:55,013
Thank you guys so much for being
a part of our Christmas special.

21
00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:59,225
It just felt right to do an entire show
dedicated to the best holiday of the year.

22
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:04,064
And you know I had to come film it
at the Christmas capital of the world.

23
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,440
[audience laughing]

24
00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:08,234
Tempe, Arizona. [chuckles]

25
00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,612
[audience cheering]

26
00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:13,114
Ah. [chuckling]

27
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:16,743
Why not, right?

28
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,037
What else is going on here?

29
00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:22,665
How do you even know Christmas
has began in Arizona?

30
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:25,543
This makes no sense.
It looks the same year-round.

31
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,462
I just can't imagine
hanging up Christmas lights

32
00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:30,006
when it's 85 degrees and sunny outside.

33
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,675
Whole town just looks like
a fucking Margaritaville.

34
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,552
That's just so different for me.

35
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:35,929
I grew up-- I… I'm from Ohio,

36
00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:37,472
-so like, I love…
-[audience cheers]

37
00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:40,183
I love a white Christmas, dude.

38
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:42,727
I'm sure a Black Christmas is fun too.
I'm… I'm sure it's…

39
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,313
I'm sure it's equally as fun.
I've just never been invited.

40
00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:48,191
Christmas is fun, but Black holidays
are… are… are second best.

41
00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:49,567
I'll give it… I'll give it that.

42
00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:52,904
Juneteenth, that's a newer one. Thank you.

43
00:01:53,988 --> 00:01:54,864
Friday.

44
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,908
[audience laughing]

45
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,076
Black Friday.

46
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:00,912
[chuckling]

47
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:03,373
Ash Wednesday.

48
00:02:03,873 --> 00:02:05,959
[audience groaning]

49
00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,544
[Matt] But aside…

50
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:11,881
[chuckling] Black holidays
just don't have a Santa.

51
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,175
That's the only thing
keeping them from being number one.

52
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,219
I love Santa Claus, dude.

53
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,847
When you're a child,
Santa's everything, man.

54
00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:20,390
Until he's not.

55
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,685
Do you remember when you found out
Santa wasn't real?

56
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:27,814
Spoiler alert. Yeah. Took a chunk
out of your childhood, didn't it?

57
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:29,274
It killed a little piece of you.

58
00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:32,735
It's different with every person, right?
How you find out about Santa.

59
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,988
For some people,
it's more scarring than others.

60
00:02:35,071 --> 00:02:36,990
For most boys, it's usually
around the same time.

61
00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:39,200
It's about 10 to 11 years old.

62
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:41,703
It's usually around the same time
you learn how to masturbate.

63
00:02:41,786 --> 00:02:43,329
It's kind of coincidentally.

64
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:46,291
It's obvious too. Your Christmas list
starts to look a little different.

65
00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:48,042
You're like, socks. All socks this time.

66
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,920
As many… As many socks
as you want to bring me.

67
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,172
They will… They will get used.

68
00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:54,090
[audience laughing]

69
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,885
That changes everything when you find out
your parents are Santa Claus.

70
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:59,345
You're like, "My Christmas is
in the hands of these people?"

71
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,600
You start paying a lot closer attention
to the family's financial situation.

72
00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:06,269
You're like, Mom's home a lot.
Shouldn't this be a two-income house?

73
00:03:06,352 --> 00:03:08,271
Turn these lights off.
Nobody's even in this room.

74
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:09,480
Just wasting money.

75
00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:11,482
[sighs]

76
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,735
Because then I feel like
it does become about money.

77
00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:15,820
I have a theory.
As I got older, I developed a theory

78
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:19,240
that you only get to believe in Santa
for as long as you can afford to.

79
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,075
[audience laughing]

80
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:23,870
Think about it. When you're younger,
you just want cheap shit, right?

81
00:03:23,953 --> 00:03:26,331
Some little race cars.
Some little action figures.

82
00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:29,209
Cheap stuff you can buy in abundance.
It's not going to break the bank.

83
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:32,212
You can wake up Christmas morning,
like, "How did I get all these toys?"

84
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:34,839
And your parents can be like,
"Must be magic."

85
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,550
It's like $80. Not that big of a deal.

86
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:40,094
Around the same time
you hit 10, 11 years old,

87
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,638
they see an Xbox on my Christmas list

88
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,640
and they're like,
"Oh, we… we gotta tell him."

89
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,351
"That's…" [exhales heavily]

90
00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:48,436
Because what's easier to believe?

91
00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:49,938
That Santa got caught at the border,

92
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:52,398
and the tariffs are keeping you
from getting an Xbox?

93
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,108
[audience laughing]

94
00:03:54,817 --> 00:03:58,696
Or that none of this is real,
and divorce is on the horizon, you know.

95
00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:01,241
Not everything's as magical as it seems.

96
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,202
I… I really do believe
that you get to believe in Santa

97
00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:06,120
for as long as you can afford to.

98
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,706
I bet the Kardashians
still believe in Santa.

99
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,166
[audience laughing]

100
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,127
Why not? They can definitely afford to.
They have so much money.

101
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:17,674
I bet to this day, every year, a man comes
down the chimney dressed up as

102
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:18,633
a woman.

103
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,885
-[audience laughing]
-I'd be willing to bet.

104
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,054
[chuckling] I would be…

105
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:24,889
Cool.

106
00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:27,308
[audience cheering, applauding]

107
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,018
An applause break for Trana Claus?

108
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,730
That's uh…That's…
That's awfully telling, Arizona.

109
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:34,482
[audience laughing]

110
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:37,819
Bro, how many Black Santas have been
in the Kardashian house? Like, each year?

111
00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:41,030
I've never had a Black Santa,
but it… it sounds like a good time.

112
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:44,367
But also, can you imagine Lamar Odom
as Santa Claus?

113
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,328
Bro, I know that's
a little older of a reference.

114
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:52,375
If you don't know who Lamar Odom is,
he's the huge Black basketball player

115
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:55,044
that Khloe Kardashian used to

116
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,129
look like.

117
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:57,672
-[audience laughing]
-Um…

118
00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:04,262
Yeah, she's… she's had a little
Christmas magic done, just a little bit.

119
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,974
But once the magic of Santa Claus
is out the window,

120
00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:10,184
I kind of feel like it's
up to your friends and family

121
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:11,936
to keep that Christmas spirit alive.

122
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,688
I think that happens
via traditions, right?

123
00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:17,317
The things you guys do together
collectively for the holidays.

124
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,445
And growing up, I didn't really realize
the traditions I was missing out on.

125
00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:22,155
We had a very normal Christmas.

126
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:24,324
It was never anything
extravagant and amazing,

127
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,742
but it was never a bad Christmas.

128
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,493
You'd wake up, you do stockings,

129
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,746
open your gifts,
play with your gifts till dinner's done.

130
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,581
That's pretty much it.
It's a great Christmas.

131
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:32,999
Very blessed to have that.

132
00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:35,585
I got older, found out the kind of things
my friends were doing,

133
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,087
and I was like, I feel like I missed out
on a lot of Christmas.

134
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,507
So one of the things I wanted to talk
to you guys tonight about was

135
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:44,052
I want to get to know some
of your family Christmas traditions

136
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,553
because I'm getting older. I'm 30.

137
00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:48,473
I want to… I want to have a family,
get married, have kids,

138
00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:51,225
and I want to have some fun traditions
to pass down to them

139
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,394
that they can then pass down
to their kids someday.

140
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,271
So I'm curious
if there's anybody here tonight

141
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,231
who has any fun
family Christmas traditions

142
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,108
that I could then pass down to my kids

143
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,028
to make my family
better than yours someday.

144
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:04,072
[audience laughing]

145
00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:05,073
In the back there?

146
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:07,909
[woman] We play an adult White Elephant.

147
00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:09,202
An adult White Elephant.

148
00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:12,997
So one of the things that we do,
like some of the gifts that we give,

149
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:16,292
um, like one year
somebody got, like, a weenie soap.

150
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,877
You gave, like, a dick soap.

151
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,129
Like it's the shape of a dick?

152
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:24,342
No, it's just a round…
just a round thing that cleans… like…

153
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,469
-[Matt] It's just a circular thing?
-Yes, yes.

154
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,388
-Oh, but that's dumb.
-[woman] Right?

155
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:31,182
Get a full dick-shaped soap.

156
00:06:31,265 --> 00:06:33,309
So that way, people have to go,
"All right." [groans]

157
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,728
[audience laughing]

158
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,688
[exhales heavily]

159
00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:39,816
[mutters]

160
00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:44,946
Okay, now a White Elephant
is the one where it's, like,

161
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:48,991
everybody puts in a gift,
and then you have a chance to steal it.

162
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,076
-[woman] Right.
-Right?

163
00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:52,412
Okay. Is there a Black Elephant?

164
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,414
[audience laughing]

165
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:55,498
[Matt] No?

166
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,792
Maybe one where the gifts
start out stolen?

167
00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:59,585
[audience laughing]

168
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:05,675
Hey, that's my… Not anymore. Not anymore.

169
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,553
[laughing]

170
00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:10,430
That's so stupid.

171
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:13,808
-That's so dumb.
-One year, Grandma got the penis soap.

172
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:15,852
Grandma got the penis soap?

173
00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:18,896
That's a way better Christmas song
than "Ran Over by a Reindeer," by the way.

174
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,022
[audience laughing]

175
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,524
[Matt chuckling] Okay.

176
00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,443
That's a… That's a great tradition.

177
00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,319
-What's another one?
-[woman] Shavonda.

178
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,738
Hold on, he raised his hand
like a good person. Hold on.

179
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,198
[audience laughing]

180
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,868
-What's your tradition?
-Uh, we come together as a family.

181
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,203
You come together as a family. Like…

182
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,164
-[man] Um…
-[audience laughing]

183
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,249
All right, guys, on three.

184
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:41,419
One!

185
00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:44,714
Two! No, Grandpa's not ready.
Grandpa's not ready.

186
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:46,340
Hold, hold, hold, hold!

187
00:07:47,925 --> 00:07:50,511
Hold. Come on now. Patience, patience!

188
00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:52,722
[chuckling]

189
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,225
-You mean you gather for the holidays?
-[man] Yes.

190
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,852
You gotta work on how you say that.

191
00:07:57,935 --> 00:07:58,936
[audience laughing]

192
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,481
[laughing] Okay.

193
00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,276
Everybody just picks a spot on the tree.

194
00:08:05,359 --> 00:08:07,528
[audience laughing]

195
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,071
Everybody find a bulb.

196
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:13,659
[chuckling] Okay. So the whole family
just comes together for Christmas.

197
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:16,204
Yeah, but it usually breaks out
into an argument, and--

198
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,663
[Matt] Breaks out into an argument?

199
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,874
-Who caused the biggest fight last year?
-[man] Uh, my…

200
00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:22,460
-My grand… my grandpa.
-Who do you think?

201
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:25,713
-Your grandpa? How would I know that?
-[man chuckling] He got…

202
00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,590
What… What did he…
What was he upset about?

203
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:29,300
He collapsed.

204
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:30,218
[Matt] Collapsed?

205
00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:31,844
Uh, he got taken in an ambulance, but…

206
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:33,346
He got taken in an ambulance?

207
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:35,139
You guys waited too long!

208
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,516
[audience laughing]

209
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:41,395
I held it back,
and it turned into a hernia.

210
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:45,066
All right, family coming together.

211
00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:47,693
I feel like that's pretty standard.
What else we got? Let's do it.

212
00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:51,656
Uh, the for sure gay man
with… with the tattoos on his arm.

213
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:56,118
Every, uh, Christmas Eve, I would read,
uh, "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"

214
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,497
to my kids, but I would change
the… the words in the book.

215
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,874
You'd read "'Twas the Night
Before Christmas" to your kids,

216
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,543
but change the words in the book.

217
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,336
-What's your accent?
-[man] English.

218
00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:07,046
English. Nice, okay.

219
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:08,089
Original Christmas.

220
00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:10,299
You're… You're Mad Libbing
this book to your kids?

221
00:09:11,175 --> 00:09:13,469
'Twas the night before…
Give me an example of something.

222
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,888
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,

223
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,182
not a creature was stirring,
not even the bailiffs.

224
00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,059
Not even the bailiffs.

225
00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:21,394
Because the house is a prison.

226
00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:23,604
[audience laughing]

227
00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:24,522
[Matt] Okay.

228
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:27,400
Um, you know what?
I like… I like a British tradition.

229
00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,527
This is a… This is
a new aspect of the show.

230
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,737
I've been to England a lot.
I have a lot of fun there.

231
00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:32,822
The shows are very good.

232
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,992
The people have always been good.
You guys are just a little weird.

233
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:37,702
[audience laughing]

234
00:09:37,785 --> 00:09:40,121
But very good traditions.
I don't know if you guys know this,

235
00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,164
but when you… you come inside
of a British girl,

236
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,583
they call it a "shepherd's pie."

237
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:45,042
[audience laughing]

238
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,211
Yeah. It's um…

239
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:51,507
It's delicious, but it's not
for everybody, for sure. It's…

240
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,758
It's a little gamy.

241
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,927
But, um, okay.

242
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,929
What else we got?
What's another good tradition?

243
00:09:58,514 --> 00:09:59,348
In the red here?

244
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:03,769
My family does, um, a Christmas trivia,
stuff like Christmas questions. Like--

245
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,313
Christmas questions.

246
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,731
Who killed Jesus?

247
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:08,608
[audience laughing]

248
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:10,860
Kanye's like…

249
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:12,570
[audience laughing]

250
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:14,530
"I got an idea."

251
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,782
"I'm not going to say who it is."

252
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:17,867
"It was the Jews."

253
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,201
[chuckling] It was…

254
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:24,373
I like that though.
The whole family plays?

255
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,416
[woman] It's pretty fun.

256
00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:30,546
And then our prize for each question
is a different level of lottery ticket.

257
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,632
-Oh, you win a prize with every question.
-Yes.

258
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:33,841
It's not just a point system.

259
00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:37,887
Yeah, so it goes from, like,
$1, $5, $10, $25,

260
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:40,514
$50, and I think $100 lottery ticket.

261
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:41,724
[Matt] Oh, no way.

262
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:44,477
Like, can you give me an example
of like a $100 Christmas question?

263
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,228
I don't know right now.

264
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:47,813
[audience laughing]

265
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,524
I'm just now really hearing your voice,
and I don't like it.

266
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,652
[audience laughing]

267
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,820
Everything sounded…
I don't know if the back can hear,

268
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,406
but count your blessings.
This is a very… a very…

269
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,367
I said give me an example
of a $100 question.

270
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,953
She goes…
[nasally] …"I don't really know."

271
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:04,163
[chuckling] That's caught me…

272
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:07,083
You didn't sound like that the first half
of this conversation. I'm sorry.

273
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,417
Caught me very off guard.

274
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,585
You put me on the spot.

275
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,170
You raised your hand.

276
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:12,296
[audience laughing]

277
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,215
[Matt] Am I crazy?

278
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:16,801
Moving on.

279
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:21,055
No, I do like that. My kids are definitely
getting trivia. Okay.

280
00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:22,723
What's another family tradition?

281
00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:24,392
I'll go front here.

282
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:25,518
[woman] We make tamales.

283
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:26,936
You make tamales.

284
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:27,853
Really?

285
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,648
Okay. What, um… What's your nationality?

286
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:31,607
Uh, I'm Hispanic.

287
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,733
Which one?

288
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,985
[audience laughing]

289
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,821
I don't know. I don't know my father.

290
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,739
You don't know your father? Oh my God.

291
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:40,074
I was like, "No way."

292
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,451
Hispanic and half Black?

293
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:43,661
That's amazing.

294
00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:45,413
No, I'm kidding. Kidding.

295
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:46,956
Just… Just kidding.

296
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:48,916
Just kidding.

297
00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:51,168
Just kidding.

298
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,754
-You really don't know your dad?
-No, I do.

299
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,799
You do. Okay, don't…
Now you made me racist for no reason.

300
00:11:57,341 --> 00:11:58,968
I'm Mexican. We never… We don't--

301
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,219
Mexican. You know what?

302
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:03,097
That's actually great to be Mexican
for Christmas in Arizona.

303
00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:04,807
You don't have to worry about ice.

304
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:06,726
That's great.

305
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:10,104
Okay, tamales. I love… I love a tamale.

306
00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:12,148
I ate the husks until I was about 13.

307
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:14,108
[audience laughing]

308
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,234
I had… I had no idea.

309
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:18,154
As a white person going
to a… a Mexican friend's house,

310
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:21,782
I was like, "Yeah, the tamales are good,
but they're fucking hard to bite through."

311
00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:24,869
And they're like, "No, you gotta…
you gotta peel it back, dude."

312
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:28,330
I was like, "Oh, all right, got it."

313
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:31,834
We're trying so hard
to hang on by a thread to keep it going

314
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:34,795
because the next generation,
they just can't do it the right way.

315
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:38,632
They're like, their fingers are hurting.
They're complaining about labor.

316
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,468
-Having to go through--
-[Matt] Hold on.

317
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:44,597
Mexicans complaining about hard work?
What's happening to this world, man?

318
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,599
This generation's doomed, man.

319
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:49,143
It's because they all married white boys.

320
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:51,896
-[Matt] They all married white boys.
-Yeah. We're mixing it up.

321
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:54,857
My kids have green eyes.

322
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,067
Your kids have green eyes.
You… You married a white guy.

323
00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:58,652
-Yeah.
-So you're part of the problem.

324
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:00,738
[audience laughing]

325
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:02,531
Where's your… Where's your husband now?

326
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,074
Oh, I don't have one anymore.

327
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,826
You don't have one anymore?

328
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,369
Oh my God.

329
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,413
He was white. My family didn't like him.

330
00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,332
He was white. Your family didn't like him.

331
00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:14,710
It's good to know racism's… racism's,
you know, all the way around, you know?

332
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,545
[audience laughing]

333
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,131
Oh boy. You would love my boy, Kyle.

334
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,509
He's in here. He's one…
He's one of the camera ops in here.

335
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,219
Kyle loves Latinas.

336
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:25,721
He's… He's… He's a…
He's a white guy, but he is about it.

337
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,640
-I promise.
-[woman] Tell him I said what's up.

338
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:29,809
He's… He's very cute. He's, uh…

339
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,853
Kyle's fucked so many Latinas
his dick's permanently a hot Cheeto.

340
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,940
Like, he… he loves that shit, man.

341
00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:37,650
-Tell him I said what's up.
-I'll tell him.

342
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,026
I'll see him after the show.

343
00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:41,570
All right, don't be open to it
and not really be about it, okay?

344
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:42,780
He's the real deal.

345
00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:44,949
I want him to find love,
and I know he wants a Latina.

346
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:48,494
He won't even eat your ass unless
you put Tajín around the rim. Like, he's…

347
00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:50,496
[audience laughing]

348
00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:51,705
He's the real deal.

349
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:53,958
All right, I'll see what I can do.

350
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:55,251
Fuck it. Kyle?

351
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,255
Oh, hilarious, he's right there.

352
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,215
[audience laughing]

353
00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:03,300
[laughing]

354
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,516
All right, well,
it's an open invitation, all right?

355
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,478
It's a Christmas miracle. Thank you.

356
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:17,231
[chuckling] It's a Christmas miracle.
No problem.

357
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,777
[chuckling] I'm going to go
with the blue bow right here.

358
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,655
Okay, we do Hanukkah,
but we do Hanukkah pajamas.

359
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:27,449
Hanukkah, but Hanukkah pajamas.

360
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,617
Are they striped?

361
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,995
[audience laughing, groaning]

362
00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:32,913
[Matt chuckling]

363
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,171
Bunch of Christians. They don't…

364
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:42,423
[audience laughing]

365
00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,591
They don't get it.

366
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:47,887
I feel like I just ruined
a whole tradition for you guys.

367
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,349
You gotta take history into account
for a lot of these traditions.

368
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,560
When did this start?
Ever since you were a kid?

369
00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:58,147
-No, I started it when I became a mom.
-Oh, when you were a mom. You started it.

370
00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:00,816
I love that. I love seeing
the first person to start something new.

371
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,360
That's what I'm trying to do myself.
How many kids do you have?

372
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,070
Um, five-ish.

373
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,322
Five-ish?

374
00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:09,074
[audience laughing]

375
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,492
What does that mean?

376
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,953
Um, one of them died.

377
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,747
One of them… Aw, you bitch.

378
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:17,625
-[audience reacts]
-[Matt groans]

379
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:18,834
Here's why I don't feel bad.

380
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,754
She delivered it with such a sense
of humor and a smile on her face.

381
00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:24,256
I love this is somebody who's taken
a traumatic situation

382
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:27,217
and now's found beauty in it
and can have a sense of humor about it.

383
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:29,762
Thank you for coming to a comedy show
with that kind of energy.

384
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:30,971
-[applause]
-I appreciate it.

385
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,850
Okay, matching pajamas.
That's a great tradition.

386
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:35,935
What's another one?

387
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,269
[woman chuckling] Kwanzaa.

388
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,229
-Kwanzaa right there? No way!
-[woman] Yeah.

389
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:42,191
I've never met a Kwanzaanian before.

390
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,235
I have no idea
how you would even say that.

391
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,071
I don't know anything about it.

392
00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:49,073
Will you please walk me through
what it's about?

393
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:53,202
So, Kwanzaa was invented
by a Black guy that was like,

394
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,245
"Fuck Christmas. We need our own shit."

395
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:58,499
It was invented by a Black guy who said,
"Fuck Christmas. We need our own shit."

396
00:15:58,582 --> 00:16:00,709
-I mean, basically.
-Okay, no, that's fine. I get it.

397
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:01,919
They pulled from everywhere.

398
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:04,964
There was a splash of Hanukkah,
so there's a kinara. It has candles.

399
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:08,133
Oh wow. But there's no…
there's no Santa Claus.

400
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:11,553
-[woman] No. No.
-No. Is there a figure of… of Kwanzaa?

401
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:12,596
No.

402
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:13,514
[Matt] What?

403
00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:14,431
No, there isn't.

404
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:15,683
Man, there should be.

405
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,476
Just a Black guy with a beard.

406
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,395
He's dressed in South Pole.

407
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,105
[woman laughing]

408
00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,858
You guys remember South Pole,
the clothing brand?

409
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,904
Oh, bruh, if you had some South Pole
and some Phat Farms in, like, 2007,

410
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,489
you were killing it, man.

411
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:33,951
Huh.

412
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:37,788
So what is the celebration
that is happening, then?

413
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:41,250
So each day has a different meaning,
uh, and a different word.

414
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,751
So one day is, like, "unity,"

415
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,336
one is "community," one is "family."

416
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:45,254
[Matt] Oh.

417
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,423
I don't even have them all memorized, but…

418
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,717
So there is like a little table
that you put up

419
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,012
and there's different things that
represent the struggles of Black people,

420
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,139
and there's corn on it and harvest, and…

421
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:57,433
This sounds like something
not that fun for me.

422
00:16:57,933 --> 00:16:58,809
Okay.

423
00:16:58,892 --> 00:16:59,852
[woman chuckling]

424
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,564
And today's Black struggle is…
Ooh, another one?

425
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,274
[audience laughing]

426
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:06,942
Oh man.

427
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:09,945
[chuckling] Oh shit.

428
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:13,198
-But there's… there's a word for each day.
-Yes, there is.

429
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,743
Oh. Which one's the N-word?

430
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,454
-Which day?
-Nia. Nia.

431
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:19,455
[Matt] Wait, which one?

432
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,498
-[woman] Nia.
-Nia? Can I even say that?

433
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,417
Do we gotta bleep that?

434
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,085
Okay, you can say that one?

435
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,712
Phew. Okay.

436
00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:29,506
We almost had to… We almost had to end
the entire show right now.

437
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:31,550
The day of Nia.

438
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,594
Which means…

439
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,012
-Google it.
-Google it?

440
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:36,346
[audience laughing]

441
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:39,016
-It's that bad?
-[chuckles] No, I just don't remember it.

442
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:42,227
Oh, I thought you were saying
Nia stood for the N-word,

443
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:45,355
and I was like… I was like don't let that
be a different version of it, and I…

444
00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:46,774
now my whole life's over.

445
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:47,941
[audience laughing]

446
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,611
God, you were just saying there is one
that starts with an N.

447
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:51,653
Got it.

448
00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:55,074
Phew. Okay.

449
00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:56,867
Thank you.

450
00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:58,869
My Nia. All right.

451
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,287
[audience laughing]

452
00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:01,580
[Matt groans]

453
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:05,292
[chuckling] Scared me to death.

454
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,712
Whoo! All right.

455
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,298
Moving on.

456
00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:12,674
[audience laughing]

457
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,927
This is good.
This is a learning experience.

458
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,096
I've never met somebody
who celebrated Kwanzaa before.

459
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:19,306
This is awesome. Thank you for being here.

460
00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:23,936
So we have Kwanzaa, Hanukkah,
any… any Muslims here?

461
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,231
Oh, right here? For real?

462
00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:29,525
Oh, no way! Nice!

463
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:32,027
-What's up, y'all? How you guys doing?
-[men] Good, and you?

464
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,779
You guys do Christmas as well?

465
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:36,573
-Like the Santa version?
-We have our own. It's called Eid.

466
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:37,658
-[Matt] Eid.
-Yeah.

467
00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:39,409
What do you guys do for that celebration?

468
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,829
Um, the biggest thing is,
uh, prayer usually.

469
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,872
-Prayer.
-Uh, it's like a community-led prayer.

470
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,415
-Community leads the prayer.
-Yeah.

471
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:46,667
No gifts at all?

472
00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:47,751
Uh, money.

473
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:49,169
-Money?
-[man] Yeah.

474
00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:50,337
Feels very Jewish.

475
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:52,714
-[audience laughing]
-So you… Huh.

476
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:54,133
Okay.

477
00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:58,303
Interestingly enough, in 2030,
Eid and Christmas will be on the same day.

478
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:01,807
In 2030, Eid and Christmas
will be on the same day.

479
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:02,766
Interesting.

480
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,643
So in 2030, for the first time,

481
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:09,106
a Muslim holiday and an American holiday
will be on the same day.

482
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,692
-[man] Yeah.
-Wow, that hasn't happened since 9/11.

483
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:13,443
[audience laughing, groaning]

484
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,778
[Matt] Huh.

485
00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:17,322
Interesting.

486
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:23,912
I'm going to stay home
all of 2030, actually. No… No flights.

487
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,706
Everybody just stay where you're at.

488
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:29,668
[Matt chuckles] Mm.

489
00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:32,087
You guys have your foreskin?

490
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,756
[audience laughing]

491
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:35,674
[Matt] No?

492
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:37,426
I know that's a crazy thing to ask,

493
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,970
but, like, if we're…
if we're learning, why not?

494
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:45,267
All right. Just curious about it.
Gone. Got it. Okay.

495
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,522
I don't care if you guys laugh tonight
or not, you learned something right now.

496
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:51,857
[audience laughing]

497
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:55,652
Yeah, that could have went either way.
I… I wouldn't have had a guess either way.

498
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,780
I'm kind of mad you guys miss out
on the presents aspect of…

499
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:01,450
Because for Christmas,
presents is the… is the best part, dude.

500
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:04,828
You wait all year
just to unwrap some presents, hopefully.

501
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:06,872
I've got to say,
as much as I looked forward

502
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:09,416
to getting presents as a kid,
now that I'm… I'm 30,

503
00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:12,294
it feels so much better
to give a good gift.

504
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,171
See that expression light up
on their face?

505
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:17,257
Maybe it was something sentimental,
something you handmade.

506
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,509
Maybe it was something they needed
that they didn't even…

507
00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:21,595
They didn't know you knew they need it.

508
00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:24,514
So that surprise just lights them up.
I… I love that feeling now.

509
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,767
By far the best gift
I've ever given anybody.

510
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:30,479
I don't know how long you guys have been
fans of mine or what of mine you've seen,

511
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:32,940
but on my second YouTube special,
Matthew Steven Rife,

512
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,942
I told a story
about how I bought my grandpa

513
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,777
a pocket pussy for Christmas.

514
00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:37,819
[audience laughing]

515
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,363
And he, um…

516
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,282
If you haven't seen it, he broke it…

517
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:43,533
[audience laughing]

518
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:44,993
…because he really enjoyed it.

519
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,789
So the next year I got him an even better
pocket pussy that was more durable.

520
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:52,209
And he had that one until the day he died
a few years ago.

521
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:55,045
But when he did die,
he passed it down to me.

522
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,839
So now I have the pocket pussy,

523
00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:01,593
and we had him cremated
and put inside the pocket pussy.

524
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:05,097
So now every Christmas, we prop him up
on the mantel above the fireplace,

525
00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:08,475
and it's like he's a part of the family
for Christmas still.

526
00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:12,104
And in the spirit of Christmas,
it really wouldn't feel right

527
00:21:12,854 --> 00:21:15,440
to leave him out of the festivities.

528
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:21,863
Uh, we do believe in reincarnation,
so we've… we've… we've renamed him Ashley.

529
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:23,448
[audience laughing]

530
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,534
And yeah, my grandpa
had just never been to Arizona.

531
00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:28,704
You can tell the dry weather's getting
to him a little bit, but, um…

532
00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:32,708
couldn't, uh… couldn't deprive him
of this… of this occasion.

533
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:35,210
[chuckling]

534
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:38,380
To this day, that's the best gift
I've ever given anybody.

535
00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:42,426
The… The way he lit up when he opened it…
My mom knew about it too.

536
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,553
I told her 'cause I was laughing
about it too much.

537
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:47,139
We all thought his reaction
was gonna be like, "What the fuck?"

538
00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:49,641
But he was so sincerely like, "Thank you."

539
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:51,435
[audience laughing]

540
00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:54,187
"Thank you."

541
00:21:55,939 --> 00:22:01,194
And to this day, like, that's the reaction
I strive for every time I give a gift now.

542
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:03,488
So I'm… I'm curious
if there's anybody in here tonight

543
00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:06,575
who has received or given a gift
to somebody or yourself

544
00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:09,453
that resonated in a… a similar way.

545
00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:13,206
Has anybody else gotten like an amazing
or absolutely terrible gift?

546
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,249
Right here.

547
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,918
My 16-year-old, I gave him lube.

548
00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:19,212
You gave your 16-year-old lube?

549
00:22:19,296 --> 00:22:20,297
Oh shit.…

550
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:21,965
[audience laughing]

551
00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:24,509
-Is he packing like that?
-Yeah.

552
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:26,845
Really? Wait, hold on. That was… Hold on.

553
00:22:27,804 --> 00:22:30,182
That reaction was disgusting.
[chuckles] Come on.

554
00:22:30,265 --> 00:22:32,768
I was like, "Oh, is your son packing
so much that he needs lube?"

555
00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:34,478
And she goes, "Yeah, he, um…"

556
00:22:34,978 --> 00:22:36,063
Have you seen it?

557
00:22:36,146 --> 00:22:37,439
Well, he told me.

558
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:39,441
He told you? Well, what'd he say?

559
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:41,234
He just said his is very big.

560
00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:44,571
Well, we all think that
until we… until we play a sport.

561
00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:46,031
And then we go, "Oh."

562
00:22:46,114 --> 00:22:47,824
[audience laughing]

563
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,493
I know why I'm not starting.

564
00:22:49,576 --> 00:22:50,660
Okay.

565
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:52,579
Understandable.

566
00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:55,374
He said, "Mine is very big."

567
00:22:55,457 --> 00:22:57,334
Okay. I love the confidence.

568
00:22:57,834 --> 00:23:00,337
He was using, like, I guess, soap?

569
00:23:00,420 --> 00:23:03,215
He was using soap? No!

570
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,843
Oh my. Every guy has been in the shower
and been like…

571
00:23:10,555 --> 00:23:12,349
[screams]

572
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:16,478
It's straight in your dick hole.
It's the worst pain.

573
00:23:16,561 --> 00:23:19,940
It's what I imagine getting cum
in your eye feels like as a woman.

574
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:23,568
Naturally, you're thinking,
"What do you do to help him?"

575
00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:26,405
-So I bought this huge--
-What do you do to help him?

576
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:28,323
[audience laughing]

577
00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:31,076
That's so thoughtful.

578
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:37,082
I added him to my Amazon account
so that he can order it whenever he wants.

579
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:42,379
It's added to her Amazon account

580
00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:46,091
so he can reorder any time that he wants.

581
00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:47,634
That's amazing.

582
00:23:48,635 --> 00:23:51,304
Wow. How many… How many times
has he repurchased?

583
00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:54,391
Probably five or six times.

584
00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:56,893
Five or six times?

585
00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:58,061
Oh my God.

586
00:23:58,145 --> 00:24:00,188
It's gonna be fucking calloused.

587
00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:03,024
That's insane.

588
00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:04,568
He's gonna be 18 now, so…

589
00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:06,445
He's gonna be 18?

590
00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:10,782
In two years,
he's gone through five bottles?

591
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,993
Where is he right now?

592
00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:16,872
-At home.
-At home, fucking starting a fire?

593
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:18,290
[audience laughing]

594
00:24:19,916 --> 00:24:21,042
[Matt] I'm so concerned.

595
00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:23,712
Oh boy.

596
00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:28,758
Oh, he's going to fucking… [chuckles]
He's going to tear a rotator cuff.

597
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,343
You got to go easy.

598
00:24:31,219 --> 00:24:32,679
[groans]

599
00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:35,223
That's so crazy.

600
00:24:35,724 --> 00:24:36,808
[chuckling] Okay.

601
00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:38,727
I mean, he's got a great family.

602
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:41,980
Great mom. You're by far the best mom
I've spoken to today.

603
00:24:42,063 --> 00:24:43,190
That's pretty great.

604
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:44,941
Great gift.

605
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:46,401
Great gift.

606
00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:48,820
Which actually is a good time right now.

607
00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:51,740
For the viewers at home, if you want
to pause right now to jerk off…

608
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:53,283
[audience laughing]

609
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,702
…we'll be right here.

610
00:25:01,374 --> 00:25:03,376
[audience laughing]

611
00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:22,562
You got this. Come on.

612
00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:24,356
[audience laughing]

613
00:25:27,442 --> 00:25:29,986
[laughing]

614
00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:33,532
Finish up. We're back to the show.

615
00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:36,493
All right.
What's another good or terrible gift?

616
00:25:36,576 --> 00:25:39,704
-Right here?
-Yeah. I, uh, gave my wife a vacuum.

617
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:41,665
-You gave your wife a vacuum?
-[man] Yeah.

618
00:25:41,748 --> 00:25:43,750
[chuckling]

619
00:25:44,668 --> 00:25:46,419
As a joke?
Or were you like… [clears throat]

620
00:25:46,503 --> 00:25:49,130
No, obviously. It was within
the first year of marriage,

621
00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:50,632
and I thought it was a great thing.

622
00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:51,883
Said she wanted one.

623
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:56,846
She wanted one on, like, a Thursday, dude.
Not… Not as a Christmas gift.

624
00:25:56,930 --> 00:25:58,431
It's so suggestive.

625
00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:01,851
Oh man, what a wonderful Christmas.
Who's going to clean this up?

626
00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:04,229
We're not married anymore.

627
00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:06,273
-You're not even married anymore?
-No, no, no.

628
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:09,818
Couldn't even sweep up the pieces
of your marriage. Unbelievable.

629
00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:13,029
So who… who's this?

630
00:26:13,113 --> 00:26:15,448
-Oh, this is…
-Hi, it's… [unintelligible]

631
00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:18,159
[audience laughing]

632
00:26:18,243 --> 00:26:19,869
She's not getting a vacuum.

633
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:21,288
She's not getting a vacuum.

634
00:26:21,371 --> 00:26:23,623
Well, can somebody get her some water?
'Cause that was…

635
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:25,709
[audience laughing]

636
00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:27,752
I said, "Who's this?"

637
00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,713
[mimics woman groaning]

638
00:26:31,256 --> 00:26:33,008
Jesus!

639
00:26:36,052 --> 00:26:37,762
Just dating. Congratulations, I think.

640
00:26:37,846 --> 00:26:39,139
-Thank you.
-Thank you.

641
00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:42,601
You got a… You got a brace on your wrist.
What happened?

642
00:26:43,727 --> 00:26:45,020
Didn't vacuum enough?

643
00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:47,105
[audience laughing]

644
00:26:48,898 --> 00:26:50,859
Netflix cannot put that out there, dude.

645
00:26:50,942 --> 00:26:53,445
That is… That would be
two specials in a row.

646
00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:55,989
[chuckling] I can't… I just…
I don't want to deal with it.

647
00:26:56,072 --> 00:26:57,657
Cut it. Unbelievable.

648
00:26:57,741 --> 00:26:59,117
[audience laughing]

649
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,327
Okay. Vacuum.

650
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:02,037
I can see how it could… how you were like,

651
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,331
"No, this is something that I…
I remember her saying."

652
00:27:04,414 --> 00:27:05,624
"We need it for the house."

653
00:27:05,707 --> 00:27:07,125
-"I'll get it for Christmas."
-Yeah.

654
00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:08,877
Good thought, bad timing.

655
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,129
That's… We'll have to round
that up to that.

656
00:27:11,212 --> 00:27:13,173
What's another… What's another one?

657
00:27:13,256 --> 00:27:15,508
Right here in the… in the sparkles?

658
00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:17,510
I am Asian.

659
00:27:17,594 --> 00:27:18,470
Nuh-uh.

660
00:27:18,553 --> 00:27:20,347
[audience laughing]

661
00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:24,184
And one of my relatives got me
an African American doll

662
00:27:24,267 --> 00:27:26,770
because they didn't have an Asian doll.

663
00:27:27,896 --> 00:27:28,813
[Matt] Oh!

664
00:27:30,065 --> 00:27:31,232
That's pretty funny.

665
00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:33,902
What did, uh… What did you name her?

666
00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:36,029
I don't even remember.

667
00:27:36,112 --> 00:27:37,030
Yeah, you do.

668
00:27:37,113 --> 00:27:39,115
[audience laughing]

669
00:27:41,284 --> 00:27:43,411
There's these two Black women
in front of you

670
00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:45,413
who, uh…

671
00:27:48,958 --> 00:27:51,503
who were just waiting for a Shaniqua.

672
00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:54,964
[Matt laughing]

673
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:57,217
That couldn't be better placement.

674
00:27:57,300 --> 00:28:00,845
I'm so happy… so happy
you guys sat next to each other.

675
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:02,931
Oh, that's really funny.

676
00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,183
You still have fun time playing with her?

677
00:28:05,266 --> 00:28:06,101
-Of course.
-Okay.

678
00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:08,061
Weren't a lot of Asian toys
back in the day.

679
00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:10,980
-I got a lot of African American dolls.
-You got a lot of Black dolls?

680
00:28:11,064 --> 00:28:12,148
That's so funny.

681
00:28:12,732 --> 00:28:13,650
I don't know.

682
00:28:13,733 --> 00:28:15,568
Black women,
how do you guys feel about this?

683
00:28:16,361 --> 00:28:18,113
Is it good… Is it good for inclusion?

684
00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:21,157
Or how do you feel about her controlling
a Black person?

685
00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:23,076
[audience laughing]

686
00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:27,622
I'm kind of on the fence
about it myself. Really.

687
00:28:29,916 --> 00:28:31,209
[snickers]

688
00:28:31,835 --> 00:28:33,545
But what voice did you give her?

689
00:28:33,628 --> 00:28:35,505
[audience laughing]

690
00:28:36,548 --> 00:28:38,925
Everyone does a voice
with their toys, right?

691
00:28:39,008 --> 00:28:41,219
I'm… I'm just picturing
a little Asian girl being like,

692
00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:42,929
"Bitch, you know… you know what?"

693
00:28:43,012 --> 00:28:45,390
-[chuckling]
-[audience laughing]

694
00:28:45,473 --> 00:28:47,225
[Matt] That's so funny to me.

695
00:28:47,308 --> 00:28:49,394
[mocking] Mm-hmm.

696
00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:54,023
Or was it…

697
00:28:54,524 --> 00:28:56,359
[laughing]

698
00:28:57,527 --> 00:29:00,447
Or was it this
little Black doll going, "Haro."

699
00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:05,326
[chuckling] That… Either one is so wrong.

700
00:29:08,496 --> 00:29:10,165
Oh my God.

701
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,293
Next. Um…

702
00:29:14,043 --> 00:29:15,587
Eh, fuck it. We'll go right here.

703
00:29:15,670 --> 00:29:18,840
[man] So, uh, a couple of years ago,
I got diagnosed with testicle cancer.

704
00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:22,677
So my coworkers gave me
half a nut sack for Christmas. [chuckles]

705
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:24,429
[audience laughing]

706
00:29:24,512 --> 00:29:27,557
They gave you half a nut sack
for Christmas.

707
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:28,850
A plastic one. Yeah.

708
00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:32,187
A plastic one. Oh, I thought it was like
a half-eaten bag of peanuts.

709
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:33,980
Oh man.

710
00:29:34,063 --> 00:29:35,607
Did you end up losing it?

711
00:29:35,690 --> 00:29:37,609
-Um, yeah. The real one, yeah.
-[Matt] No way.

712
00:29:37,692 --> 00:29:39,444
Did you get to keep the one they took out?

713
00:29:39,527 --> 00:29:40,653
-[man] No.
-What?

714
00:29:40,737 --> 00:29:42,030
They didn't give me the option.

715
00:29:42,113 --> 00:29:43,156
-What?
-That's what I said.

716
00:29:43,239 --> 00:29:44,657
They'll give you back kidney stones.

717
00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:46,868
You're telling me
I can't have my ball back?

718
00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:50,455
You gotta… You should get it
fucking bronzed like baby feet.

719
00:29:50,538 --> 00:29:51,915
Like, you know what I mean? Like…

720
00:29:51,998 --> 00:29:54,375
People bronze their little baby shoes
or something like that.

721
00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:55,335
That'd be great.

722
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,796
Put it in a nutcracker's mouth
for Christmas or something.

723
00:29:57,879 --> 00:29:59,631
[audience laughing]

724
00:29:59,714 --> 00:30:01,841
So when you… when you
do lose one, do they put, uh,

725
00:30:01,925 --> 00:30:03,510
a fake one in there to even it out? Or…

726
00:30:03,593 --> 00:30:04,803
No, it's just empty.

727
00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:05,887
You're just…

728
00:30:06,721 --> 00:30:09,098
-You're just turkey-necking it.
-[man] Exactly.

729
00:30:09,182 --> 00:30:10,809
[chuckling]

730
00:30:12,310 --> 00:30:13,978
So just the one down there right now?

731
00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:16,815
Just like a fuck…
Just a grandfather clock. Just…

732
00:30:16,898 --> 00:30:19,234
[audience laughing]

733
00:30:19,317 --> 00:30:20,151
Nice.

734
00:30:20,693 --> 00:30:24,823
Now when you-- I'm curious about this.
When you… when you lose one testicle,

735
00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:26,866
do you come faster?

736
00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:28,493
Or slower?

737
00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:30,995
-Has it affected it whatsoever?
-That's a question for her.

738
00:30:31,079 --> 00:30:32,038
Ma'am?

739
00:30:32,121 --> 00:30:33,623
It's the same.

740
00:30:33,706 --> 00:30:34,958
-About the same?
-Thirty seconds.

741
00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:36,209
[Matt] Thirty seconds.

742
00:30:36,292 --> 00:30:37,961
[audience laughing]

743
00:30:39,546 --> 00:30:40,922
Nothing wrong with that.

744
00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:44,008
It happens to be exactly how long
it takes to get to Mars.

745
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,344
So, nothing wrong with that.

746
00:30:46,427 --> 00:30:49,639
[chuckles] Okay. What about the amount?

747
00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:53,560
-It's the same amount.
-Same amount. Really?

748
00:30:53,643 --> 00:30:54,644
Huh.

749
00:30:54,727 --> 00:30:55,895
Just less shots.

750
00:30:55,979 --> 00:30:57,313
-[Matt] Less shots.
-Yeah.

751
00:30:57,397 --> 00:30:58,815
But… But the same?

752
00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:02,402
So it went from like… [imitating shots]

753
00:31:02,485 --> 00:31:03,403
To now one just…

754
00:31:03,486 --> 00:31:05,530
[imitating a single shot]

755
00:31:11,202 --> 00:31:12,871
It shouldn't be the same.

756
00:31:16,749 --> 00:31:19,043
We went south with the visuals real quick.

757
00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:22,547
[chuckling] Okay. Lost a nut.

758
00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:24,340
Half a nut sack.

759
00:31:24,424 --> 00:31:26,593
Those are good coworkers.
I like that a lot.

760
00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:27,510
All right.

761
00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,178
The hat right here.

762
00:31:29,262 --> 00:31:30,930
Sixty decks of cards.

763
00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:32,807
Oh, dude, I did not know you were a guy.

764
00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:36,477
I'm gonna be completely…
I'm gonna be completely honest, man.

765
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:38,605
You look like a baby-faced lesbian.

766
00:31:38,688 --> 00:31:42,066
That caught me…
That caught me so off guard.

767
00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:44,152
I'm sorry. [exhales loudly]

768
00:31:44,819 --> 00:31:45,945
Sorry about that.

769
00:31:47,155 --> 00:31:48,072
Continue.

770
00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:50,491
Sixty decks of cards.

771
00:31:50,575 --> 00:31:52,327
-Sixty decks of cards.
-[man] Yeah.

772
00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:53,536
Somebody got that for you?

773
00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:55,288
-[man chuckles] Yeah, my mom.
-Why?

774
00:31:55,371 --> 00:31:57,373
Uh, I'm a professional magician.

775
00:31:57,957 --> 00:32:00,043
-What? No way.
-[man] Yeah.

776
00:32:00,126 --> 00:32:01,961
-[man chuckles] Yeah.
-Holy shit.

777
00:32:02,045 --> 00:32:04,547
This is…
You don't have to if you don't want to.

778
00:32:04,631 --> 00:32:06,090
-You got cards on you?
-I do.

779
00:32:06,174 --> 00:32:08,176
-Shut the fuck up.
-[audience cheering]

780
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:09,928
-Can you… Could you do a trick?
-Yeah.

781
00:32:10,011 --> 00:32:12,055
-For real?
-[man] Yeah. Can I do it?

782
00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:14,682
Fuck it. We're doing it.
I… I love magic, dude.

783
00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:16,351
I love magic.

784
00:32:16,976 --> 00:32:17,810
You just…

785
00:32:18,353 --> 00:32:19,187
Always.

786
00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:21,147
-What's… What's your name?
-My name's Gino.

787
00:32:21,230 --> 00:32:24,192
Gino. Nice to meet you. You carry a deck
of cards with you at all times?

788
00:32:24,275 --> 00:32:26,694
Always. Yeah, it's one of the sixties.
We're at 59 now.

789
00:32:26,778 --> 00:32:29,364
Dude, wait till you try pussy.

790
00:32:29,447 --> 00:32:31,741
It's gonna change your life, man.

791
00:32:32,784 --> 00:32:33,618
That's…

792
00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,206
This is… This is crazy, man.

793
00:32:38,289 --> 00:32:41,417
I love magic. It's like one of my…
It's one my favorite fucking things.

794
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:44,212
I have this whole theory in my head.
The magician's, like…

795
00:32:44,295 --> 00:32:46,422
-That magic is totally real.
-Yeah.

796
00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:48,341
My theory is that magic's real, right?

797
00:32:48,424 --> 00:32:50,259
And that there's like this other realm,

798
00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:52,762
like a Harry Potter,
but the number one rule is

799
00:32:52,845 --> 00:32:55,056
you're not allowed to do magic
in front of normal people.

800
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:58,685
You're not allowed to monetize off of it.
So you see all these famous magicians.

801
00:32:58,768 --> 00:33:01,604
My theory is they were like,
"Fuck that. I'm gonna go make bank

802
00:33:01,688 --> 00:33:03,064
in this different world."

803
00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:05,149
And then sometimes they're… Sometimes…

804
00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:08,945
-Sometimes it's just this, but, um…
-[laughing] Yeah.

805
00:33:09,028 --> 00:33:12,448
Okay, okay. All right. So you…
How do you want to do it?

806
00:33:12,532 --> 00:33:14,367
Yeah, just name any card
in the deck of cards.

807
00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:15,451
Any one you'd like.

808
00:33:15,535 --> 00:33:16,494
-Say it?
-Yeah.

809
00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:17,829
Uh, seven of hearts.

810
00:33:17,912 --> 00:33:20,456
Seven of hearts. Oh, look.
I dropped it on the ground right here.

811
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,750
-What the fuck?
-[audience cheering]

812
00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:23,668
Dude.

813
00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:26,337
[Matt laughing]

814
00:33:26,921 --> 00:33:29,799
-Oh, this is crazy already. Okay, okay.
-Watch the seven of hearts. Ready?

815
00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:31,384
-Okay.
-What I do, I bend it like this.

816
00:33:31,467 --> 00:33:34,554
Now I do this so you can watch the seven.
Right? So it's gonna go in the middle.

817
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:36,723
-Okay.
-Confirm to everyone it's in the middle.

818
00:33:36,806 --> 00:33:40,560
Watch close. You're gonna see this happen.
Ready? One, two, up.

819
00:33:41,144 --> 00:33:42,145
Like that.

820
00:33:43,104 --> 00:33:44,814
-Dude. What's crazy--
-Turn it over.

821
00:33:44,897 --> 00:33:47,150
As soon as it popped up,
I got hard a little bit.

822
00:33:47,233 --> 00:33:48,776
[audience laughing]

823
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:50,236
I got him going.

824
00:33:51,070 --> 00:33:52,822
He snapped, and I was like, "ha."

825
00:33:54,615 --> 00:33:55,950
-Bro--
-Oh, there you go.

826
00:33:56,451 --> 00:34:00,288
It's the fucking seven of hearts, dude.
That's crazy.

827
00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:01,330
Want to see one more?

828
00:34:01,414 --> 00:34:03,499
Yeah, do one more, dude. Why not?

829
00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:05,293
I was so confident

830
00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:07,879
that you were gonna call me up here
and name the seven of hearts,

831
00:34:07,962 --> 00:34:09,839
I put one card in my hat.

832
00:34:09,922 --> 00:34:12,675
-Shut the fuck up, dude.
-[audience cheering]

833
00:34:17,346 --> 00:34:18,389
[Matt] Bro!

834
00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:21,100
-That's amazing.
-Thank you.

835
00:34:21,184 --> 00:34:22,393
Holy shit.

836
00:34:22,477 --> 00:34:23,686
Thank you so much.

837
00:34:25,229 --> 00:34:27,523
Go sit down. Go sit down.

838
00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:31,360
-Bro. One more time for Gino.
-[crowd cheering]

839
00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:32,862
Holy shit.

840
00:34:32,945 --> 00:34:34,030
[audience member] Gino!

841
00:34:36,365 --> 00:34:38,201
[audience members] Gino! Whoo!

842
00:34:38,284 --> 00:34:41,621
When I turned and I was like, "What
the fuck," before he did the hat thing,

843
00:34:41,704 --> 00:34:43,706
did he fucking do anything
to put anything in?

844
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:45,458
What the fuck, dude?

845
00:34:46,292 --> 00:34:47,210
Demon.

846
00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:51,339
My… My all-time favorite
hater comment is like,

847
00:34:51,422 --> 00:34:55,134
"Plant. He must know that person.
He had to set it up beforehand."

848
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:57,512
Have I fucking ever met you, ever, Gino?

849
00:34:57,595 --> 00:35:00,306
-Not at all.
-No. I thought you were a little girl.

850
00:35:00,389 --> 00:35:02,100
[audience laughing]

851
00:35:02,183 --> 00:35:03,059
Never.

852
00:35:03,142 --> 00:35:08,314
I want to go on record right now,
never met this dude.

853
00:35:08,397 --> 00:35:11,359
I… As soon as he was like, "I was
confident you were gonna bring me up."

854
00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:13,486
"Seven of hearts."
I was like, now I regret it.

855
00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:14,737
Just a little bit.

856
00:35:15,446 --> 00:35:18,241
Just so that all night,
when he left here tonight,

857
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:19,242
he had to go…

858
00:35:19,325 --> 00:35:21,285
[audience laughing]

859
00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,166
[sighs] Show's over, really.

860
00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:30,670
I don't know… I… I don't know how,
unless I fucking…

861
00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:33,464
Their foreskin's back on.

862
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:35,550
That would be the craziest thing.

863
00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:39,011
That would be… That would be…
whole show is over.

864
00:35:39,095 --> 00:35:41,472
-[chuckling]
-[audience cheering]

865
00:35:43,933 --> 00:35:45,935
Bro, that's, uh… that's awesome, Gino.

866
00:35:46,018 --> 00:35:47,812
Thank you… Thank you
for sharing that, dude.

867
00:35:47,895 --> 00:35:49,188
What else we got?

868
00:35:50,439 --> 00:35:53,109
-Sir, with his hand up right here.
-[man] Best gift I get every year.

869
00:35:53,192 --> 00:35:54,777
-Every year?
-[man] Every year.

870
00:35:54,861 --> 00:35:57,864
-My in-laws are with me, so bear with me.
-Okay.

871
00:35:57,947 --> 00:36:03,744
But my wife does a monthly photo shoot
of all these sexual boudoir…

872
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:05,413
-[audience cheering]
-Nude.

873
00:36:06,330 --> 00:36:07,456
[Matt] Hold on, hold on.

874
00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:09,625
Every month, your wife will do

875
00:36:09,709 --> 00:36:11,878
-a sexually themed photo shoot.
-So what she does…

876
00:36:11,961 --> 00:36:16,299
She takes me on a monthly date, so every
December I get a book or maybe cards.

877
00:36:16,382 --> 00:36:19,552
Um, I think this year it's a calendar.
I'm hoping. Um…

878
00:36:19,635 --> 00:36:20,636
[audience laughing]

879
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,514
Okay, but it's not a photo
for every day of the month.

880
00:36:23,598 --> 00:36:25,600
-It's just for the theme of the month.
-No, no. Yes.

881
00:36:25,683 --> 00:36:29,145
So naked photo,
holding balloons on her tippy-toes.

882
00:36:30,271 --> 00:36:32,690
I wish you guys
could see her parents right now.

883
00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:33,774
They're like,

884
00:36:34,817 --> 00:36:36,944
"She used to be such a good girl."

885
00:36:37,612 --> 00:36:39,488
[laughing] Oh man.

886
00:36:39,572 --> 00:36:41,908
That was the date for that month,
was hot-air ballooning,

887
00:36:41,991 --> 00:36:43,701
so I have to try to figure it out.

888
00:36:43,784 --> 00:36:46,704
Hold on, real quick.
What does she do for February?

889
00:36:47,538 --> 00:36:51,500
February is my birthday, so that one's
always a little darker, more like…

890
00:36:51,584 --> 00:36:52,543
Darker?

891
00:36:52,627 --> 00:36:54,295
[audience laughing]

892
00:36:57,924 --> 00:37:00,426
You know, it's also Black History Month.
You know that, right?

893
00:37:06,224 --> 00:37:07,141
All right.

894
00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:09,810
What was July?

895
00:37:09,894 --> 00:37:12,063
-That's my birthday, so I was just…
-It's your birthday?

896
00:37:12,146 --> 00:37:13,981
I was spread-eagled,
naked in my birthday suit.

897
00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:15,274
[audience laughing]

898
00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:18,736
Just… Just shooting Roman candles
out of her pussy? Just…

899
00:37:18,819 --> 00:37:21,197
[imitating explosions]

900
00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:27,578
Wow, that's an amazing gift.
You guys are fun as shit.

901
00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:28,996
You guys have kids?

902
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:30,122
-Three.
-We do. Three.

903
00:37:30,206 --> 00:37:31,916
Three. Oh boy.

904
00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:35,211
Wait till they find this calendar someday.

905
00:37:36,212 --> 00:37:37,755
Man, that's also traumatizing.

906
00:37:37,838 --> 00:37:39,590
Like, don't put that calendar
on the fridge.

907
00:37:39,674 --> 00:37:43,719
You don't want soccer practice written
under mom's just gaping asshole.

908
00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:45,888
[audience laughing]

909
00:37:48,474 --> 00:37:52,103
I've never been more sure a couple's
gonna make it in my entire life.

910
00:37:52,812 --> 00:37:55,398
This is amazing. There's romance.

911
00:37:56,565 --> 00:37:57,733
Aw.

912
00:37:58,234 --> 00:37:59,819
It's even better that your… that your…

913
00:37:59,902 --> 00:38:02,071
your parents are here for this,
to be honest.

914
00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:03,739
Uh, Mom and Dad?

915
00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:06,325
-Yes.
-You guys ever done anything like that?

916
00:38:06,409 --> 00:38:08,119
Probably worse.

917
00:38:08,619 --> 00:38:10,162
[audience reacts]

918
00:38:10,246 --> 00:38:13,791
Hold on, hold on.
Let's… Let's hear them out.

919
00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:16,961
Anything of the same realm?

920
00:38:17,044 --> 00:38:20,089
What did… What did you guys get
for your anniversary? That's worse.

921
00:38:20,172 --> 00:38:22,008
What did you get for your anniversary?

922
00:38:22,091 --> 00:38:25,303
Plane tickets to have sex
on an airplane ride.

923
00:38:25,386 --> 00:38:26,304
[woman] Mile High.

924
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:28,347
[audience cheering, applauding]

925
00:38:29,515 --> 00:38:31,225
-[Matt] All right.
-Mile High Club.

926
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,311
Mile High Club. And did…
Have you guys done it yet?

927
00:38:33,394 --> 00:38:34,228
Oh yeah.

928
00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:35,229
[Matt] Nice!

929
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:37,189
[audience cheering, applauding]

930
00:38:39,108 --> 00:38:40,067
What airline?

931
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:41,110
[audience laughing]

932
00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:42,194
It's in Vegas.

933
00:38:42,278 --> 00:38:44,905
It's in Vegas. There's just a sex plane?

934
00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:46,073
Yeah.

935
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:47,616
That's disgusting.

936
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,703
Can you imagine getting
a middle seat on that plane?

937
00:38:51,203 --> 00:38:53,205
[audience laughing]

938
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:56,334
[Matt groans]

939
00:38:57,251 --> 00:38:59,211
Are there other people on the plane?

940
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:02,173
The pilot, but it's closed
and he has headphones.

941
00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:04,342
-But it's like a private plane?
-[mother] Yes.

942
00:39:04,425 --> 00:39:05,760
Oh, okay.

943
00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:08,179
I thought this was like
Southwest Airlines.

944
00:39:08,262 --> 00:39:09,764
[audience laughing]

945
00:39:09,847 --> 00:39:14,435
And there was, like, one bathroom
and then just lines of couples being like,

946
00:39:15,227 --> 00:39:16,354
"Come on!"

947
00:39:17,605 --> 00:39:20,649
"We're halfway to fucking Phoenix, dude.
Let's go!"

948
00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:27,281
[chuckling] This is…

949
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:30,534
You guys are awesome, man.
That's a fucking… That's a fantastic gift.

950
00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:31,702
Good for you guys.

951
00:39:32,286 --> 00:39:34,413
All right, we're going to pivot
out of this, okay?

952
00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:36,624
If we're going to talk about presents,

953
00:39:36,707 --> 00:39:38,793
we have to talk about
how you get the presents, right?

954
00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:41,295
Not everybody gets gifts for Christmas.

955
00:39:42,004 --> 00:39:45,216
You got to end up on the list, right?
Got to make the nice list.

956
00:39:45,299 --> 00:39:47,218
Everybody knows Santa has a list,
checks it twice.

957
00:39:47,301 --> 00:39:49,220
If you've been good,
you end up on the nice list.

958
00:39:49,303 --> 00:39:51,180
You get… get… You get gifts.

959
00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:54,809
If you were not nice this year,
you end up on the naughty list.

960
00:39:54,892 --> 00:39:58,020
You don't get any gifts at all.
I think that's a very important tradition

961
00:39:58,104 --> 00:39:59,730
a lot of us should take further into life.

962
00:39:59,814 --> 00:40:01,065
I think at the end of each year,

963
00:40:01,148 --> 00:40:03,359
we should all do a little self-reflecting
and think back,

964
00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:06,112
and say, "Wow, was… was I nice this year?"

965
00:40:06,195 --> 00:40:08,406
"Was I a good person?
Did I maybe do something selfless?"

966
00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:10,074
"Could I have helped somebody out?"

967
00:40:10,157 --> 00:40:12,368
"Is there something
I could improve on for next year?"

968
00:40:12,451 --> 00:40:14,537
"Or did I end up on the naughty list?"

969
00:40:14,620 --> 00:40:16,455
Which is easier to end up on.

970
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,333
It's a lot more fun, for sure.

971
00:40:20,167 --> 00:40:22,461
But I think we should all strive
to be as nice as possible,

972
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,381
even if… even if it doesn't end nice.
At least try.

973
00:40:25,464 --> 00:40:27,133
I try to make the nice list every year.

974
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,428
And no matter what city I'm in
for the last show before Christmas,

975
00:40:30,511 --> 00:40:33,264
I'll do a toy drive. I'll invite
all the audience to bring a toy.

976
00:40:33,347 --> 00:40:34,682
I go buy a couple hundred toys.

977
00:40:34,765 --> 00:40:39,186
We donate them to like whatever the local
children's hospital is in the city.

978
00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:41,188
[audience cheering, applauding]

979
00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:43,441
It… It feels like a selfless thing to do.

980
00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:45,317
It's nice to do something
for somebody else.

981
00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:49,697
There's a lot of moms there who are about
to have a lot of free time on their hands.

982
00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:52,825
So it kind of skews naughty,
just a little bit.

983
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:56,704
I'm curious if there's anybody in here
who did anything this year

984
00:40:56,787 --> 00:40:59,665
who might have wound them up
on the naughty or nice list.

985
00:41:02,084 --> 00:41:03,878
I'll stay up here all night.

986
00:41:03,961 --> 00:41:05,463
[audience laughing]

987
00:41:07,590 --> 00:41:08,549
Right here.

988
00:41:08,632 --> 00:41:12,094
[woman] Um, my husband
had kidney troubles for years,

989
00:41:12,178 --> 00:41:14,889
and this year he needed a kidney,

990
00:41:14,972 --> 00:41:18,559
so I tested to possibly be
a donor for him.

991
00:41:19,059 --> 00:41:24,690
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to
because of my own medical history,

992
00:41:25,191 --> 00:41:27,359
but my new son-in-law,

993
00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:30,988
they had only been married a month,
donated his kidney to him.

994
00:41:31,071 --> 00:41:32,448
[Matt] No way.

995
00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:35,659
[Matt exhales loudly]

996
00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:39,538
-[woman] Doing great and living life!
-That's crazy.

997
00:41:39,622 --> 00:41:41,248
Funny thing is, I don't know if you know,

998
00:41:41,332 --> 00:41:45,544
they don't actually replace a kidney.
They give him a third kidney.

999
00:41:45,628 --> 00:41:46,754
-I did not know that.
-So…

1000
00:41:46,837 --> 00:41:48,756
So you have… you have
three kidneys right now?

1001
00:41:48,839 --> 00:41:50,382
-Yes, I do.
-[Matt] No way.

1002
00:41:50,466 --> 00:41:51,800
Do you feel more full?

1003
00:41:52,885 --> 00:41:55,262
No, but I can actually feel it.
They put it in the front.

1004
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:57,181
-[Matt] You can really feel it up front?
-Yup.

1005
00:41:57,264 --> 00:41:59,308
No way, like a little fanny pack.

1006
00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:01,185
[audience laughing]

1007
00:42:01,268 --> 00:42:03,145
Oh, that's pretty awesome. [hesitates]

1008
00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:06,982
You said the son-in-law
had only been married to your daughter

1009
00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:08,150
for about a year?

1010
00:42:08,234 --> 00:42:10,528
-No, like a… Three months.
-Month and a half.

1011
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:11,654
[Matt] A month and a half?

1012
00:42:11,737 --> 00:42:14,615
They found out on their honeymoon
that he was… he was a match.

1013
00:42:14,698 --> 00:42:16,534
-No way.
-[man] On the beach in Mexico.

1014
00:42:16,617 --> 00:42:18,285
Way to ruin their vacation.

1015
00:42:18,369 --> 00:42:20,579
[audience laughing]

1016
00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:22,998
That's… That's pretty--
Where the fuck are your kidneys?

1017
00:42:23,082 --> 00:42:24,250
-They're…
-[man] In the back.

1018
00:42:24,333 --> 00:42:26,919
They're… They're in the back.
And they put one up front now?

1019
00:42:27,002 --> 00:42:28,254
That seems dangerous.

1020
00:42:29,296 --> 00:42:30,589
You seem easy to fight.

1021
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:31,924
Now.

1022
00:42:32,007 --> 00:42:35,761
-Too old to get in a fight, so it's okay.
-Too old to get in a fight. I love that.

1023
00:42:35,844 --> 00:42:38,222
Give me your fucking wallet. Right now.

1024
00:42:38,305 --> 00:42:40,474
[chuckling] 'Cause you're not gonna…

1025
00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:44,061
No. Now that I know you won't defend
yourself, this is good.

1026
00:42:45,145 --> 00:42:47,982
[chuckles] Okay. Wow.
Yeah, the son-in-law.

1027
00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:50,526
What a guy, what a guy.
Nice list, for sure.

1028
00:42:53,445 --> 00:42:57,116
Yeah. Kind of can't get mad at him
for pumping your daughter now, right?

1029
00:42:57,199 --> 00:42:58,534
Like, he saved your life.

1030
00:42:58,617 --> 00:43:00,035
[audience laughing]

1031
00:43:00,744 --> 00:43:03,289
He got… He gets one now.
You know what I mean?

1032
00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:06,792
He actually changed his last name
to… to my daughter's last name.

1033
00:43:06,875 --> 00:43:09,253
Oh, wow. So she's pumping him.

1034
00:43:09,336 --> 00:43:11,005
[audience laughing]

1035
00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:16,343
Man, took this man's kidney
and his last name.

1036
00:43:17,845 --> 00:43:20,222
You… Oh, wow.
That boy's going through it, man.

1037
00:43:21,056 --> 00:43:22,391
[chuckling] Okay.

1038
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:25,519
Who else is on the nice list?

1039
00:43:26,020 --> 00:43:27,354
Right back here in the Santa hat.

1040
00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:31,108
[man] Yeah, I'm a scoutmaster
for a troop in the Phoenix area.

1041
00:43:31,191 --> 00:43:35,112
I take them camping
for over a week, uh, every summer.

1042
00:43:35,195 --> 00:43:38,157
Oh, that's awesome. Chris Hansen.
Will you come out real quick?

1043
00:43:39,241 --> 00:43:41,201
Yeah, you want to come out 'cause um…

1044
00:43:42,202 --> 00:43:43,120
We got him.

1045
00:43:43,203 --> 00:43:45,080
[audience laughing]

1046
00:43:46,081 --> 00:43:47,750
You're a scoutmaster.

1047
00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:50,711
Take them into the woods for a little bit.

1048
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:52,296
Every year.

1049
00:43:52,379 --> 00:43:53,547
Okay.

1050
00:43:54,048 --> 00:43:56,091
Is this, uh, like…
like a Boy Scout kind of thing?

1051
00:43:56,175 --> 00:43:59,011
It's, uh, Scouts, yeah.
Now it's, uh, girls and boys, but…

1052
00:43:59,094 --> 00:44:01,889
Now it's girls and boys.
Got it. Now you got options.

1053
00:44:01,972 --> 00:44:02,848
[man] Yeah.

1054
00:44:02,931 --> 00:44:03,932
Good for you.

1055
00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:09,772
[exhales loudly]
I didn't know they still did that at all.

1056
00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:13,901
Now, when you take them into the woods,
are they learning any special skills?

1057
00:44:13,984 --> 00:44:15,361
[audience laughing]

1058
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:19,114
There's an ice cream eating contest
without your hands.

1059
00:44:19,198 --> 00:44:22,409
There's an ice cream eating contest
without your hands.

1060
00:44:24,912 --> 00:44:26,789
Who judges the contest?

1061
00:44:28,207 --> 00:44:29,458
Some of the counselors.

1062
00:44:29,541 --> 00:44:30,876
Some of the counselors.

1063
00:44:30,959 --> 00:44:32,753
That's disgusting, dude.

1064
00:44:33,420 --> 00:44:35,130
Yeah, number four's got it.

1065
00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:36,882
[audience laughing]

1066
00:44:39,009 --> 00:44:42,680
[scoffs] That's, uh… Man, there's nothing
but a problem with this.

1067
00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:47,559
Let me ask you something
just based on your voice.

1068
00:44:48,060 --> 00:44:48,977
Gay?

1069
00:44:49,061 --> 00:44:50,312
-Yep.
-[Matt] Yep.

1070
00:44:50,396 --> 00:44:51,980
[audience laughing]

1071
00:44:56,694 --> 00:44:59,988
I'm surprised you don't hold a hot dog
eating contest while you're out there.

1072
00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:04,743
[audience laughing]

1073
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:09,915
All right.

1074
00:45:11,166 --> 00:45:14,545
How mad were you that they started
bringing girls along for this trip?

1075
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:15,963
[audience laughing]

1076
00:45:16,839 --> 00:45:17,756
They're gonna ruin it.

1077
00:45:22,136 --> 00:45:24,054
Naughty list, for sure, man.

1078
00:45:25,097 --> 00:45:28,642
I know you're trying to do a good thing,
but there's no way.

1079
00:45:30,060 --> 00:45:31,937
Not letting that slide, dude.

1080
00:45:32,813 --> 00:45:34,523
[chuckling] Oh man.

1081
00:45:36,233 --> 00:45:38,485
Yeah, that's, um… That's a police report.

1082
00:45:38,569 --> 00:45:40,070
[audience laughing]

1083
00:45:40,612 --> 00:45:41,697
Okay, so what else?

1084
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:44,783
-[woman] I got one. Nice list. For sure.
-You've got a nice list moment?

1085
00:45:44,867 --> 00:45:45,701
What did you do?

1086
00:45:45,784 --> 00:45:48,871
So we went to California, Newport Beach.
We're at the pier.

1087
00:45:49,371 --> 00:45:52,583
A mom is screaming, hysterical.

1088
00:45:52,666 --> 00:45:53,792
She can't find her son.

1089
00:45:53,876 --> 00:45:56,754
-A mom couldn't find her son at Newport.
-[woman] We have three kids.

1090
00:45:56,837 --> 00:46:00,257
We have an 11-year-old
and two 8-year-olds, twins.

1091
00:46:00,340 --> 00:46:02,050
You have an 11-year-old
and two 8-year-olds.

1092
00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:04,094
-So you gave the mom one of your kids.
-Yep.

1093
00:46:05,304 --> 00:46:06,555
-[Matt] Nice.
-We had a twin.

1094
00:46:06,638 --> 00:46:09,516
One of the twins, preferably.
You're not even going to notice, you know?

1095
00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:13,479
So as a mom,
I'm sure all the moms can know,

1096
00:46:13,562 --> 00:46:16,774
if that was you, you'd want everyone
in the world helping you find your kid.

1097
00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:17,775
[Matt] Of course.

1098
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:19,610
So I ask her,
"What does your kid look like?"

1099
00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:21,528
"Show me a picture.
What's your kid's name?"

1100
00:46:21,612 --> 00:46:24,323
I said, "Everyone grab a kid,"
because we have too many kids.

1101
00:46:24,406 --> 00:46:25,532
Everyone grab a kid.

1102
00:46:26,116 --> 00:46:27,493
That's what he says too.

1103
00:46:27,576 --> 00:46:29,578
[audience laughing]

1104
00:46:30,996 --> 00:46:32,498
Everyone buddy up.

1105
00:46:34,291 --> 00:46:37,002
All the bigs, grab a small.
All the smalls, grab a big.

1106
00:46:39,588 --> 00:46:43,342
So we start running around Newport Beach
looking for this kid, right?

1107
00:46:43,425 --> 00:46:44,384
[Matt] Mm-hmm.

1108
00:46:44,468 --> 00:46:49,807
And I see this little boy with a man
holding him by the… by the arm.

1109
00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:51,558
A man was holding him by the arm?

1110
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,477
Was he holding him like, "Found him?"

1111
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:54,812
Or like, "Come on."

1112
00:46:54,895 --> 00:46:56,271
-Like angrily. Yeah.
-Angrily?

1113
00:46:56,355 --> 00:47:00,818
I say the kid's name, he looks at me,
and I said, "Oh my God, this is him."

1114
00:47:00,901 --> 00:47:02,277
And I was like, "Who are you?"

1115
00:47:02,361 --> 00:47:03,737
And he says, "I'm his dad."

1116
00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:05,656
And I said, "Well, come with me."

1117
00:47:05,739 --> 00:47:09,076
We go to the mom. It was the dad,
but they were absolutely hammered, wasted.

1118
00:47:09,159 --> 00:47:11,829
And I think the kid just wandered off.
But we found the kid.

1119
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,831
Oh wow. No, hold on, hold on.

1120
00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:16,416
She didn't find the kid.
The dad found the kid.

1121
00:47:17,334 --> 00:47:18,544
I connected the family.

1122
00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:19,878
[Matt] You connected the family.

1123
00:47:19,962 --> 00:47:22,756
It… It sounds like
they weren't going to make it, regardless.

1124
00:47:23,924 --> 00:47:25,300
All right, all right.

1125
00:47:25,384 --> 00:47:27,678
-[hesitates] You got the assist.
-[woman] Nice?

1126
00:47:27,761 --> 00:47:29,346
Okay. I'm gonna go nice list on that.

1127
00:47:29,429 --> 00:47:32,599
Your intentions were in the right place,
but also, mind your fucking business.

1128
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:33,892
You know what I mean?

1129
00:47:33,976 --> 00:47:37,187
Don't you hate when somebody comes over
and tells you how to parent, you know?

1130
00:47:37,771 --> 00:47:39,481
All right. Going back
to naughty list, then.

1131
00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:41,650
You. Right back here.

1132
00:47:42,317 --> 00:47:45,070
Sitting next to fucking BMX Mike Wazowski.

1133
00:47:45,153 --> 00:47:46,738
[audience laughing]

1134
00:47:49,783 --> 00:47:50,617
Okay.

1135
00:47:51,368 --> 00:47:53,036
I would like to expose my mother.

1136
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:53,954
Okay.

1137
00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:59,167
Um, so when she was growing up,
she contracted, um, polio. So she--

1138
00:47:59,251 --> 00:48:00,377
She got polio?

1139
00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:05,799
Yeah, so now, in her older years,
um, she has post-polio syndrome, so--

1140
00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:07,009
It gets you again?

1141
00:48:07,092 --> 00:48:08,218
[woman] Yeah.

1142
00:48:08,302 --> 00:48:11,096
She's had to have her ankles
fused together. She can't really walk.

1143
00:48:11,179 --> 00:48:14,349
Her ankles have been fused together?
Your mom's a fucking mermaid?

1144
00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:16,018
[audience laughing]

1145
00:48:16,810 --> 00:48:20,188
Uh, that's a nice…
a… a nice way of describing her.

1146
00:48:20,272 --> 00:48:21,732
That is a nice way to describe her.

1147
00:48:21,815 --> 00:48:24,985
You could say turned her into a taquito?
I don't know what else…

1148
00:48:26,820 --> 00:48:29,698
Okay, so ankles are fused together.

1149
00:48:30,324 --> 00:48:33,452
So sometimes she has to use
a… a walker. Sometimes--

1150
00:48:34,036 --> 00:48:35,871
-A walker?
-[woman] Uh, um…

1151
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:37,789
[audience laughing]

1152
00:48:40,125 --> 00:48:43,253
-That's exactly what it looks like!
-That's so sad.

1153
00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:45,172
She's essentially disabled.

1154
00:48:45,255 --> 00:48:46,256
I'd say so.

1155
00:48:47,966 --> 00:48:49,676
[woman] You know the commercials?

1156
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,470
The sad animal commercials?

1157
00:48:51,553 --> 00:48:52,888
The Sarah McLachlan ones, yeah.

1158
00:48:52,971 --> 00:48:57,559
They have, um,
children who are spokespeople

1159
00:48:57,643 --> 00:48:59,811
for Shriners Children's Hospital.

1160
00:48:59,895 --> 00:49:01,897
-[Matt] Okay.
-They ask for donations.

1161
00:49:01,980 --> 00:49:03,148
They ask for donations.

1162
00:49:03,231 --> 00:49:06,360
And my mother was visiting us
and we were watching TV,

1163
00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:11,823
and the commercial came on,
and as a disabled person herself,

1164
00:49:11,907 --> 00:49:15,452
she looked at these children
asking for money,

1165
00:49:15,535 --> 00:49:17,663
and to one of them, she said,

1166
00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:22,793
"I want to cunt punch
that kid in the face."

1167
00:49:23,710 --> 00:49:26,129
Your mom, being disabled, saw a sick kid

1168
00:49:27,255 --> 00:49:31,510
and said, "I want to cunt punch
that kid in the face."

1169
00:49:31,593 --> 00:49:33,220
The kid was in a wheelchair?

1170
00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:34,763
That's right at cunt height.

1171
00:49:35,263 --> 00:49:36,598
That's…

1172
00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:41,520
She also thinks that the children
for St. Jude with cancer

1173
00:49:41,603 --> 00:49:42,479
are faking cancer.

1174
00:49:43,438 --> 00:49:45,148
She said they're faking it?

1175
00:49:45,899 --> 00:49:48,318
These kids should beat
your mom's ass, man.

1176
00:49:49,569 --> 00:49:52,572
Yeah, now I want to see her
and those kids go back and forth.

1177
00:49:52,656 --> 00:49:54,241
"I'm gonna cunt punch ya."

1178
00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:57,244
"Pry it open, bitch."

1179
00:49:58,453 --> 00:50:00,455
[audience laughing]

1180
00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:04,459
Yeah, how far is she fused?

1181
00:50:05,877 --> 00:50:06,920
Not enough.

1182
00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:08,088
[Matt] Not enough.

1183
00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:10,340
That's pretty crazy.

1184
00:50:10,424 --> 00:50:13,301
It's just ironic
that she herself is disabled.

1185
00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:17,264
Here's the thing. If she wasn't disabled,
she'd be the worst person alive.

1186
00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:18,724
[audience laughing]

1187
00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:21,351
We actually sent in a donation
on her behalf

1188
00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:23,895
so she gets the… she gets the blanket.

1189
00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:26,189
[audience laughing]

1190
00:50:29,484 --> 00:50:31,028
They fucking FDR'd her?

1191
00:50:32,529 --> 00:50:34,448
Just got the blanket over her?

1192
00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:35,615
[woman] Yep.

1193
00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:38,326
"Aw, it's a nice donation blanket."
"It's fake."

1194
00:50:38,410 --> 00:50:40,454
[audience laughing]

1195
00:50:40,537 --> 00:50:42,080
This is a perfect example of like,

1196
00:50:42,164 --> 00:50:44,041
you know when somebody has
a good sense of humor,

1197
00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:45,959
they've actually experienced life?

1198
00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:47,586
People who get offended by everything,

1199
00:50:47,669 --> 00:50:49,588
you can tell
they haven't been through anything.

1200
00:50:49,671 --> 00:50:52,591
That's somebody who…
who… who beat polio once,

1201
00:50:52,674 --> 00:50:54,009
lost the second time,

1202
00:50:55,510 --> 00:50:57,012
now has a good sense of humor about it.

1203
00:50:57,095 --> 00:50:59,139
We're all winning
because of her sense of humor.

1204
00:50:59,222 --> 00:51:00,849
Exactly. You passed that down.

1205
00:51:00,932 --> 00:51:02,893
Passed on those good spirits. I like that.

1206
00:51:02,976 --> 00:51:05,353
I love your mom. Bring her next time.
We'll get a fucking…

1207
00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:08,148
We'll… We'll get a fish tank up here
or something. Whatever…

1208
00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:09,483
[audience laughing]

1209
00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,069
Whatever needs to be done.

1210
00:51:13,653 --> 00:51:15,363
Who else feels they contributed this year?

1211
00:51:16,198 --> 00:51:17,365
Santa hat right here?

1212
00:51:17,449 --> 00:51:18,950
I rescue donkeys.

1213
00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:20,702
You rescue donkeys?

1214
00:51:20,786 --> 00:51:22,704
[audience applauds]

1215
00:51:24,289 --> 00:51:25,415
From Mexico?

1216
00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:29,044
I'd hate to be a donkey rescue
from Mexico, man.

1217
00:51:29,127 --> 00:51:31,797
"I was getting my dick sucked
five nights a week."

1218
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:33,548
[audience laughing]

1219
00:51:34,841 --> 00:51:37,469
"Now you… Now you got me
on this fucking farm?"

1220
00:51:41,223 --> 00:51:43,016
Where do you rescue them from?

1221
00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:45,519
Wild burros, right by my house,
in the desert.

1222
00:51:45,602 --> 00:51:47,646
Wild burros, like,
they'll just be in the desert?

1223
00:51:47,729 --> 00:51:49,064
-Yeah.
-[Matt] No way.

1224
00:51:49,147 --> 00:51:50,398
Just wild out there, but then…

1225
00:51:50,482 --> 00:51:52,484
There's little babies out there.
They get orphaned,

1226
00:51:52,567 --> 00:51:55,487
and then I take them into
the wild burro rescue right by my house.

1227
00:51:55,570 --> 00:51:56,530
[Matt] That's adorable.

1228
00:51:56,613 --> 00:51:58,698
I think rescuing is an absolute nice list.

1229
00:51:58,782 --> 00:52:00,325
My puppy is actually a rescue.

1230
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:02,327
We got a little
10-month-old pit bull at home.

1231
00:52:02,410 --> 00:52:03,745
I love him so much.

1232
00:52:03,829 --> 00:52:06,456
I love him so much. His name is Hammer.

1233
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:08,625
He's actually got
a little stocking right here.

1234
00:52:09,251 --> 00:52:12,087
Dude, he's just
the cutest little pit bull. I love him.

1235
00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:14,965
I hate that he's going
to bite a kid someday, but…

1236
00:52:15,507 --> 00:52:16,800
That's what they do.

1237
00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:19,928
This was actually his first Halloween.
We got him a little Michael Vick jersey.

1238
00:52:20,011 --> 00:52:23,306
I'm pretty excited about it. Yeah.
Yeah. I think enough…

1239
00:52:23,932 --> 00:52:25,892
[chuckles] Maybe enough time has passed.

1240
00:52:27,060 --> 00:52:28,061
Let's do one more.

1241
00:52:28,145 --> 00:52:29,980
-Oh, right here? What's up, man?
-[man] Um…

1242
00:52:30,063 --> 00:52:31,731
-Man, I think, right?
-[man] Yes, sir.

1243
00:52:31,815 --> 00:52:32,858
Okay.

1244
00:52:33,358 --> 00:52:36,403
You could be a Mexican lesbian, for sure.
Without a doubt.

1245
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:39,531
[chuckling] Okay.

1246
00:52:42,868 --> 00:52:45,453
I know the people in the back can't see,
but picture it. It's…

1247
00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:47,247
[audience laughing]

1248
00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:49,207
Whatever you're thinking, yes.

1249
00:52:52,043 --> 00:52:55,547
She, uh, helped a… about late eighties

1250
00:52:55,630 --> 00:52:59,176
um, early nineties, uh, old lady
that was trying to hop on a horse.

1251
00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:02,846
Your girl helped a 90-year-old woman
get on a horse.

1252
00:53:03,805 --> 00:53:06,308
It was her… It was her last, like, wish.

1253
00:53:06,808 --> 00:53:08,894
-It was her last wish.
-[woman] Yes, so…

1254
00:53:08,977 --> 00:53:12,272
[chuckles] She…
She passed away shortly after.

1255
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:15,233
She passed away shortly after.
How many minutes after…

1256
00:53:15,317 --> 00:53:16,943
[audience laughing]

1257
00:53:17,027 --> 00:53:18,236
…when you put

1258
00:53:18,945 --> 00:53:23,950
[chuckling] …this crotchety woman
up on a wild beast?

1259
00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:26,786
[chuckling] So, like… So she… ah…

1260
00:53:26,870 --> 00:53:31,416
The person who run…
who ran the, uh, care facility

1261
00:53:31,499 --> 00:53:33,001
was friends with someone that I knew.

1262
00:53:33,084 --> 00:53:35,128
And they said, "Michelle knows--"

1263
00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:36,504
And you work with horses?

1264
00:53:36,588 --> 00:53:39,132
Yes, I work with horses.
She has a really nice horse.

1265
00:53:39,216 --> 00:53:41,343
She'll be able to ride it before she goes.

1266
00:53:41,426 --> 00:53:43,053
I know it's a nice thing to do, but it…

1267
00:53:43,136 --> 00:53:46,097
it's also second-degree murder,
I'm pretty sure.

1268
00:53:47,098 --> 00:53:49,392
Well, you have several people with you.
So it's not like--

1269
00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:52,103
You don't want to laugh by yourself
when she falls. That's good.

1270
00:53:52,687 --> 00:53:56,066
I used to do, uh, therapeutic riding
with a lot of people, so you always--

1271
00:53:56,149 --> 00:53:57,734
Therapeutic riding? What is that?

1272
00:53:57,817 --> 00:54:02,322
Uh, so like anyone
who has, uh, MS or in a wheelchair,

1273
00:54:02,405 --> 00:54:04,699
you help them on a horse,
and you can grip them.

1274
00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:06,493
You put people who have MS…

1275
00:54:06,576 --> 00:54:08,912
I put people who can't control anything
on a horse.

1276
00:54:08,995 --> 00:54:12,666
You put paralyzed people up on horses.

1277
00:54:12,749 --> 00:54:15,126
Yes. Super irresponsible.

1278
00:54:15,210 --> 00:54:17,128
-You put anybody up there?
-[woman] Anyone.

1279
00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:18,797
You gotta put her mom up there.

1280
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:19,839
Just fucking…

1281
00:54:20,548 --> 00:54:22,759
Just… Just sleeping bag it.

1282
00:54:22,842 --> 00:54:24,552
[audience laughing]

1283
00:54:31,351 --> 00:54:34,187
That's pretty good. I'm gonna go…
I'm gonna go nice list, even though…

1284
00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:37,482
You fucking… Come back next show, tell me
something that went wrong, all right?

1285
00:54:37,983 --> 00:54:40,151
That has such good potential
for naughty list.

1286
00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:44,572
Mm. No, but I do think the nice list is
a very important part of the show,

1287
00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:46,574
'cause the world feels so fucking awful.

1288
00:54:46,658 --> 00:54:48,326
Doesn't it feel like people are assholes?

1289
00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:51,037
Like, every single day,
the world is so negative.

1290
00:54:51,121 --> 00:54:52,622
It's really nice to go around the room

1291
00:54:52,706 --> 00:54:54,958
and shed light on good people
doing good things for others.

1292
00:54:55,041 --> 00:54:56,793
And honestly,
that's why I fucking love Tempe.

1293
00:54:56,876 --> 00:54:59,546
Why I wanted to come film a special here.
I knew there was good people

1294
00:54:59,629 --> 00:55:01,131
who had a little Christmas spirit left.

1295
00:55:01,214 --> 00:55:03,550
So thank you for being a part of that,
first and foremost.

1296
00:55:03,633 --> 00:55:05,969
[audience cheering]

1297
00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,101
Honestly, like, this is
what Christmas is about.

1298
00:55:13,184 --> 00:55:16,688
It's about getting together with your
loved ones, your friends, your families,

1299
00:55:16,771 --> 00:55:18,273
your… your… your colleagues,

1300
00:55:18,356 --> 00:55:21,234
and putting aside all the bullshit
you've dealt with all year long

1301
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:25,989
and just enjoying a holiday
full of love, laughter, and joy.

1302
00:55:26,072 --> 00:55:28,867
I honestly hope this Christmas
you find a reason to smile.

1303
00:55:28,950 --> 00:55:31,870
I hope you find a reason
to make somebody else smile.

1304
00:55:31,953 --> 00:55:34,372
I hope you have half as much fun
as I had filming this special.

1305
00:55:34,456 --> 00:55:35,749
Tempe, you are amazing.

1306
00:55:35,832 --> 00:55:38,710
I love you so much. Thank you for being
my home for this special.

1307
00:55:38,793 --> 00:55:43,256
And to you at home, I love you,
and I wish you a very Merry Christmas.

1308
00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:44,591
Thank you, everyone.

1309
00:55:44,674 --> 00:55:46,301
[audience cheering]

1310
00:55:46,384 --> 00:55:48,636
[upbeat holiday music playing]

1311
00:57:57,390 --> 00:57:58,600
Sir, with the hand up.

1312
00:57:58,683 --> 00:58:00,310
[man] I don't remember a gift I've given,

1313
00:58:00,393 --> 00:58:02,520
but I have one now
that I would like to give.

1314
00:58:02,604 --> 00:58:03,855
You want to give me a gift?

1315
00:58:03,938 --> 00:58:05,648
Um, not necessarily.

1316
00:58:06,232 --> 00:58:07,233
[woman] Oh shit.

1317
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:09,777
[Matt] No way!

1318
00:58:10,653 --> 00:58:12,405
No way!

1319
00:58:12,489 --> 00:58:13,948
[audience cheering]

1320
00:58:14,032 --> 00:58:16,493
Oh my God. Say no!

1321
00:58:16,576 --> 00:58:17,911
[audience laughing]

1322
00:58:19,787 --> 00:58:20,997
[Matt] Well, ask her. Be a man.

1323
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,582
-Will you marry me?
-Oh my God.

1324
00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:25,418
-Louder for the people in the back.
-Will you marry me?

1325
00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:28,379
Congratulations!

1326
00:58:29,714 --> 00:58:31,299
[audience cheering]

1327
00:58:37,305 --> 00:58:39,098
[music fades]