1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.LT 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT 3 00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:18,852 It's the most beautiful Time of the year 4 00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:21,688 Lights fill the streets Spreading so much cheer 5 00:00:21,771 --> 00:00:24,482 I should be playing in the winter snow 6 00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:27,485 But I'ma be under the mistletoe 7 00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:30,613 I don't wanna miss out on the holiday… 8 00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:36,327 Hello, everybody! Hello! Hello! Hello! 9 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:37,370 Good to see ya! 10 00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:39,080 Thank you for coming! 11 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,749 Thank you. Thank you. 12 00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:43,918 Merry Christmas, everybody! Thank you for being here. 13 00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:46,337 Thank you so much. Wow! 14 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:47,714 You guys look great! 15 00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:50,925 Thank you, thank you, thank you! 16 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,052 Oh, this is awesome, man. 17 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:55,013 Thank you guys so much for being a part of our Christmas special. 18 00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:59,225 It just felt right to do an entire show dedicated to the best holiday of the year. 19 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:04,064 And you know I had to come film it at the Christmas capital of the world. 20 00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:08,234 Tempe, Arizona. 21 00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:13,114 Ah. 22 00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:16,743 Why not, right? 23 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,037 What else is going on here? 24 00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:22,665 How do you even know Christmas has began in Arizona? 25 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:25,543 This makes no sense. It looks the same year-round. 26 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,462 I just can't imagine hanging up Christmas lights 27 00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:30,006 when it's 85 degrees and sunny outside. 28 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,675 Whole town just looks like a fucking Margaritaville. 29 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,552 That's just so different for me. 30 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:35,929 I grew up-- I… I'm from Ohio, 31 00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:37,472 so like, I love… 32 00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:40,183 I love a white Christmas, dude. 33 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:42,727 I'm sure a Black Christmas is fun too. I'm… I'm sure it's… 34 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,313 I'm sure it's equally as fun. I've just never been invited. 35 00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:48,191 Christmas is fun, but Black holidays are… are… are second best. 36 00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:49,567 I'll give it… I'll give it that. 37 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:52,904 Juneteenth, that's a newer one. Thank you. 38 00:01:53,988 --> 00:01:54,864 Friday. 39 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,076 Black Friday. 40 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:03,373 Ash Wednesday. 41 00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,544 But aside… 42 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:11,881 Black holidays just don't have a Santa. 43 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,175 That's the only thing keeping them from being number one. 44 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,219 I love Santa Claus, dude. 45 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:18,847 When you're a child, Santa's everything, man. 46 00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:20,390 Until he's not. 47 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,685 Do you remember when you found out Santa wasn't real? 48 00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:27,814 Spoiler alert. Yeah. Took a chunk out of your childhood, didn't it? 49 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:29,274 It killed a little piece of you. 50 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:32,735 It's different with every person, right? How you find out about Santa. 51 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,988 For some people, it's more scarring than others. 52 00:02:35,071 --> 00:02:36,990 For most boys, it's usually around the same time. 53 00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:39,200 It's about 10 to 11 years old. 54 00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:41,703 It's usually around the same time you learn how to masturbate. 55 00:02:41,786 --> 00:02:43,329 It's kind of coincidentally. 56 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:46,291 It's obvious too. Your Christmas list starts to look a little different. 57 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:48,042 You're like, socks. All socks this time. 58 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,920 As many… As many socks as you want to bring me. 59 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,172 They will… They will get used. 60 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,885 That changes everything when you find out your parents are Santa Claus. 61 00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:59,345 You're like, "My Christmas is in the hands of these people?" 62 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,600 You start paying a lot closer attention to the family's financial situation. 63 00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:06,269 You're like, Mom's home a lot. Shouldn't this be a two-income house? 64 00:03:06,352 --> 00:03:08,271 Turn these lights off. Nobody's even in this room. 65 00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:09,480 Just wasting money. 66 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,735 Because then I feel like it does become about money. 67 00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:15,820 I have a theory. As I got older, I developed a theory 68 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:19,240 that you only get to believe in Santa for as long as you can afford to. 69 00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:23,870 Think about it. When you're younger, you just want cheap shit, right? 70 00:03:23,953 --> 00:03:26,331 Some little race cars. Some little action figures. 71 00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:29,209 Cheap stuff you can buy in abundance. It's not going to break the bank. 72 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:32,212 You can wake up Christmas morning, like, "How did I get all these toys?" 73 00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:34,839 And your parents can be like, "Must be magic." 74 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,550 It's like $80. Not that big of a deal. 75 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:40,094 Around the same time you hit 10, 11 years old, 76 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,638 they see an Xbox on my Christmas list 77 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,640 and they're like, "Oh, we… we gotta tell him." 78 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,351 "That's…" 79 00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:48,436 Because what's easier to believe? 80 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:49,938 That Santa got caught at the border, 81 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:52,398 and the tariffs are keeping you from getting an Xbox? 82 00:03:54,817 --> 00:03:58,696 Or that none of this is real, and divorce is on the horizon, you know. 83 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:01,241 Not everything's as magical as it seems. 84 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,202 I… I really do believe that you get to believe in Santa 85 00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:06,120 for as long as you can afford to. 86 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,706 I bet the Kardashians still believe in Santa. 87 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,127 Why not? They can definitely afford to. They have so much money. 88 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:17,674 I bet to this day, every year, a man comes down the chimney dressed up as 89 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:18,633 a woman. 90 00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,885 I'd be willing to bet. 91 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,054 I would be… 92 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:24,889 Cool. 93 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,018 An applause break for Trana Claus? 94 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,730 That's uh…That's… That's awfully telling, Arizona. 95 00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:37,819 Bro, how many Black Santas have been in the Kardashian house? Like, each year? 96 00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:41,030 I've never had a Black Santa, but it… it sounds like a good time. 97 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:44,367 But also, can you imagine Lamar Odom as Santa Claus? 98 00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,328 Bro, I know that's a little older of a reference. 99 00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:52,375 If you don't know who Lamar Odom is, he's the huge Black basketball player 100 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:55,044 that Khloe Kardashian used to 101 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,129 look like. 102 00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:57,672 Um… 103 00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:04,262 Yeah, she's… she's had a little Christmas magic done, just a little bit. 104 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,974 But once the magic of Santa Claus is out the window, 105 00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:10,184 I kind of feel like it's up to your friends and family 106 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:11,936 to keep that Christmas spirit alive. 107 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:13,688 I think that happens via traditions, right? 108 00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:17,317 The things you guys do together collectively for the holidays. 109 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,445 And growing up, I didn't really realize the traditions I was missing out on. 110 00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:22,155 We had a very normal Christmas. 111 00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:24,324 It was never anything extravagant and amazing, 112 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,742 but it was never a bad Christmas. 113 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,493 You'd wake up, you do stockings, 114 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,746 open your gifts, play with your gifts till dinner's done. 115 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,581 That's pretty much it. It's a great Christmas. 116 00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:32,999 Very blessed to have that. 117 00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:35,585 I got older, found out the kind of things my friends were doing, 118 00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,087 and I was like, I feel like I missed out on a lot of Christmas. 119 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,507 So one of the things I wanted to talk to you guys tonight about was 120 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:44,052 I want to get to know some of your family Christmas traditions 121 00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,553 because I'm getting older. I'm 30. 122 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:48,473 I want to… I want to have a family, get married, have kids, 123 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:51,225 and I want to have some fun traditions to pass down to them 124 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,394 that they can then pass down to their kids someday. 125 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,271 So I'm curious if there's anybody here tonight 126 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,231 who has any fun family Christmas traditions 127 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,108 that I could then pass down to my kids 128 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,028 to make my family better than yours someday. 129 00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:05,073 In the back there? 130 00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:07,909 We play an adult White Elephant. 131 00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:09,202 An adult White Elephant. 132 00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:12,997 So one of the things that we do, like some of the gifts that we give, 133 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:16,292 um, like one year somebody got, like, a weenie soap. 134 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,877 You gave, like, a dick soap. 135 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,129 Like it's the shape of a dick? 136 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:24,342 No, it's just a round… just a round thing that cleans… like… 137 00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,469 -It's just a circular thing? -Yes, yes. 138 00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,388 -Oh, but that's dumb. -Right? 139 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:31,182 Get a full dick-shaped soap. 140 00:06:31,265 --> 00:06:33,309 So that way, people have to go, "All right." 141 00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:44,946 Okay, now a White Elephant is the one where it's, like, 142 00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:48,991 everybody puts in a gift, and then you have a chance to steal it. 143 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,076 -Right. -Right? 144 00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:52,412 Okay. Is there a Black Elephant? 145 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:55,498 No? 146 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,792 Maybe one where the gifts start out stolen? 147 00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:05,675 Hey, that's my… Not anymore. Not anymore. 148 00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:10,430 That's so stupid. 149 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:13,808 -That's so dumb. -One year, Grandma got the penis soap. 150 00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:15,852 Grandma got the penis soap? 151 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:18,896 That's a way better Christmas song than "Ran Over by a Reindeer," by the way. 152 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,524 Okay. 153 00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,443 That's a… That's a great tradition. 154 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,319 -What's another one? -Shavonda. 155 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,738 Hold on, he raised his hand like a good person. Hold on. 156 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,868 -What's your tradition? -Uh, we come together as a family. 157 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,203 You come together as a family. Like… 158 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,164 Um… 159 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,249 All right, guys, on three. 160 00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:41,419 One! 161 00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:44,714 Two! No, Grandpa's not ready. Grandpa's not ready. 162 00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:46,340 Hold, hold, hold, hold! 163 00:07:47,925 --> 00:07:50,511 Hold. Come on now. Patience, patience! 164 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,225 -You mean you gather for the holidays? -Yes. 165 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,852 You gotta work on how you say that. 166 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,481 Okay. 167 00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,276 Everybody just picks a spot on the tree. 168 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,071 Everybody find a bulb. 169 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:13,659 Okay. So the whole family just comes together for Christmas. 170 00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:16,204 Yeah, but it usually breaks out into an argument, and-- 171 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,663 Breaks out into an argument? 172 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,874 -Who caused the biggest fight last year? -Uh, my… 173 00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:22,460 -My grand… my grandpa. -Who do you think? 174 00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:25,713 -Your grandpa? How would I know that? -He got… 175 00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,590 What… What did he… What was he upset about? 176 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:29,300 He collapsed. 177 00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:30,218 Collapsed? 178 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:31,844 Uh, he got taken in an ambulance, but… 179 00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:33,346 He got taken in an ambulance? 180 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:35,139 You guys waited too long! 181 00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:41,395 I held it back, and it turned into a hernia. 182 00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:45,066 All right, family coming together. 183 00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:47,693 I feel like that's pretty standard. What else we got? Let's do it. 184 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:51,656 Uh, the for sure gay man with… with the tattoos on his arm. 185 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:56,118 Every, uh, Christmas Eve, I would read, uh, "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" 186 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,497 to my kids, but I would change the… the words in the book. 187 00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,874 You'd read "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" to your kids, 188 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,543 but change the words in the book. 189 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,336 -What's your accent? -English. 190 00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:07,046 English. Nice, okay. 191 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:08,089 Original Christmas. 192 00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:10,299 You're… You're Mad Libbing this book to your kids? 193 00:09:11,175 --> 00:09:13,469 'Twas the night before… Give me an example of something. 194 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,888 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, 195 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,182 not a creature was stirring, not even the bailiffs. 196 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,059 Not even the bailiffs. 197 00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:21,394 Because the house is a prison. 198 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:24,522 Okay. 199 00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:27,400 Um, you know what? I like… I like a British tradition. 200 00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,527 This is a… This is a new aspect of the show. 201 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,737 I've been to England a lot. I have a lot of fun there. 202 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:32,822 The shows are very good. 203 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,992 The people have always been good. You guys are just a little weird. 204 00:09:37,785 --> 00:09:40,121 But very good traditions. I don't know if you guys know this, 205 00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,164 but when you… you come inside of a British girl, 206 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,583 they call it a "shepherd's pie." 207 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,211 Yeah. It's um… 208 00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:51,507 It's delicious, but it's not for everybody, for sure. It's… 209 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,758 It's a little gamy. 210 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,927 But, um, okay. 211 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,929 What else we got? What's another good tradition? 212 00:09:58,514 --> 00:09:59,348 In the red here? 213 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:03,769 My family does, um, a Christmas trivia, stuff like Christmas questions. Like-- 214 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,313 Christmas questions. 215 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,731 Who killed Jesus? 216 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:10,860 Kanye's like… 217 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:14,530 "I got an idea." 218 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,782 "I'm not going to say who it is." 219 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:17,867 "It was the Jews." 220 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,201 It was… 221 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:24,373 I like that though. The whole family plays? 222 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,416 It's pretty fun. 223 00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:30,546 And then our prize for each question is a different level of lottery ticket. 224 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,632 -Oh, you win a prize with every question. -Yes. 225 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:33,841 It's not just a point system. 226 00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:37,887 Yeah, so it goes from, like, $1, $5, $10, $25, 227 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:40,514 $50, and I think $100 lottery ticket. 228 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:41,724 Oh, no way. 229 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:44,477 Like, can you give me an example of like a $100 Christmas question? 230 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,228 I don't know right now. 231 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,524 I'm just now really hearing your voice, and I don't like it. 232 00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,820 Everything sounded… I don't know if the back can hear, 233 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,406 but count your blessings. This is a very… a very… 234 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,367 I said give me an example of a $100 question. 235 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,953 She goes… …"I don't really know." 236 00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:04,163 That's caught me… 237 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:07,083 You didn't sound like that the first half of this conversation. I'm sorry. 238 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,417 Caught me very off guard. 239 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,585 You put me on the spot. 240 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,170 You raised your hand. 241 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,215 Am I crazy? 242 00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:16,801 Moving on. 243 00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:21,055 No, I do like that. My kids are definitely getting trivia. Okay. 244 00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:22,723 What's another family tradition? 245 00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:24,392 I'll go front here. 246 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:25,518 We make tamales. 247 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:26,936 You make tamales. 248 00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:27,853 Really? 249 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,648 Okay. What, um… What's your nationality? 250 00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:31,607 Uh, I'm Hispanic. 251 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,733 Which one? 252 00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,821 I don't know. I don't know my father. 253 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,739 You don't know your father? Oh my God. 254 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:40,074 I was like, "No way." 255 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,451 Hispanic and half Black? 256 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:43,661 That's amazing. 257 00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:45,413 No, I'm kidding. Kidding. 258 00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:46,956 Just… Just kidding. 259 00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:48,916 Just kidding. 260 00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:51,168 Just kidding. 261 00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,754 -You really don't know your dad? -No, I do. 262 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,799 You do. Okay, don't… Now you made me racist for no reason. 263 00:11:57,341 --> 00:11:58,968 I'm Mexican. We never… We don't-- 264 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,219 Mexican. You know what? 265 00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:03,097 That's actually great to be Mexican for Christmas in Arizona. 266 00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:04,807 You don't have to worry about ice. 267 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:06,726 That's great. 268 00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:10,104 Okay, tamales. I love… I love a tamale. 269 00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:12,148 I ate the husks until I was about 13. 270 00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,234 I had… I had no idea. 271 00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:18,154 As a white person going to a… a Mexican friend's house, 272 00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:21,782 I was like, "Yeah, the tamales are good, but they're fucking hard to bite through." 273 00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:24,869 And they're like, "No, you gotta… you gotta peel it back, dude." 274 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:28,330 I was like, "Oh, all right, got it." 275 00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:31,834 We're trying so hard to hang on by a thread to keep it going 276 00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:34,795 because the next generation, they just can't do it the right way. 277 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:38,632 They're like, their fingers are hurting. They're complaining about labor. 278 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,468 -Having to go through-- -Hold on. 279 00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:44,597 Mexicans complaining about hard work? What's happening to this world, man? 280 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,599 This generation's doomed, man. 281 00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:49,143 It's because they all married white boys. 282 00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:51,896 -They all married white boys. -Yeah. We're mixing it up. 283 00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:54,857 My kids have green eyes. 284 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,067 Your kids have green eyes. You… You married a white guy. 285 00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:58,652 -Yeah. -So you're part of the problem. 286 00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:02,531 Where's your… Where's your husband now? 287 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,074 Oh, I don't have one anymore. 288 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,826 You don't have one anymore? 289 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,369 Oh my God. 290 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,413 He was white. My family didn't like him. 291 00:13:09,497 --> 00:13:11,332 He was white. Your family didn't like him. 292 00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:14,710 It's good to know racism's… racism's, you know, all the way around, you know? 293 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,131 Oh boy. You would love my boy, Kyle. 294 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:21,509 He's in here. He's one… He's one of the camera ops in here. 295 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,219 Kyle loves Latinas. 296 00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:25,721 He's… He's… He's a… He's a white guy, but he is about it. 297 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,640 -I promise. -Tell him I said what's up. 298 00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:29,809 He's… He's very cute. He's, uh… 299 00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,853 Kyle's fucked so many Latinas his dick's permanently a hot Cheeto. 300 00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,940 Like, he… he loves that shit, man. 301 00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:37,650 -Tell him I said what's up. -I'll tell him. 302 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,026 I'll see him after the show. 303 00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:41,570 All right, don't be open to it and not really be about it, okay? 304 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:42,780 He's the real deal. 305 00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:44,949 I want him to find love, and I know he wants a Latina. 306 00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:48,494 He won't even eat your ass unless you put Tajín around the rim. Like, he's… 307 00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:51,705 He's the real deal. 308 00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:53,958 All right, I'll see what I can do. 309 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:55,251 Fuck it. Kyle? 310 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,255 Oh, hilarious, he's right there. 311 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,516 All right, well, it's an open invitation, all right? 312 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,478 It's a Christmas miracle. Thank you. 313 00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:17,231 It's a Christmas miracle. No problem. 314 00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,777 I'm going to go with the blue bow right here. 315 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,655 Okay, we do Hanukkah, but we do Hanukkah pajamas. 316 00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:27,449 Hanukkah, but Hanukkah pajamas. 317 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,617 Are they striped? 318 00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,171 Bunch of Christians. They don't… 319 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,591 They don't get it. 320 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:47,887 I feel like I just ruined a whole tradition for you guys. 321 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,349 You gotta take history into account for a lot of these traditions. 322 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,560 When did this start? Ever since you were a kid? 323 00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:58,147 -No, I started it when I became a mom. -Oh, when you were a mom. You started it. 324 00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:00,816 I love that. I love seeing the first person to start something new. 325 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,360 That's what I'm trying to do myself. How many kids do you have? 326 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,070 Um, five-ish. 327 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,322 Five-ish? 328 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,492 What does that mean? 329 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,953 Um, one of them died. 330 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,747 One of them… Aw, you bitch. 331 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:18,834 Here's why I don't feel bad. 332 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,754 She delivered it with such a sense of humor and a smile on her face. 333 00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:24,256 I love this is somebody who's taken a traumatic situation 334 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:27,217 and now's found beauty in it and can have a sense of humor about it. 335 00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:29,762 Thank you for coming to a comedy show with that kind of energy. 336 00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:30,971 I appreciate it. 337 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,850 Okay, matching pajamas. That's a great tradition. 338 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:35,935 What's another one? 339 00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,269 Kwanzaa. 340 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,229 -Kwanzaa right there? No way! -Yeah. 341 00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:42,191 I've never met a Kwanzaanian before. 342 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,235 I have no idea how you would even say that. 343 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,071 I don't know anything about it. 344 00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:49,073 Will you please walk me through what it's about? 345 00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:53,202 So, Kwanzaa was invented by a Black guy that was like, 346 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,245 "Fuck Christmas. We need our own shit." 347 00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:58,499 It was invented by a Black guy who said, "Fuck Christmas. We need our own shit." 348 00:15:58,582 --> 00:16:00,709 -I mean, basically. -Okay, no, that's fine. I get it. 349 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:01,919 They pulled from everywhere. 350 00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:04,964 There was a splash of Hanukkah, so there's a kinara. It has candles. 351 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:08,133 Oh wow. But there's no… there's no Santa Claus. 352 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:11,553 -No. No. -No. Is there a figure of… of Kwanzaa? 353 00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:12,596 No. 354 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:13,514 What? 355 00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:14,431 No, there isn't. 356 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:15,683 Man, there should be. 357 00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,476 Just a Black guy with a beard. 358 00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,395 He's dressed in South Pole. 359 00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,858 You guys remember South Pole, the clothing brand? 360 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:28,904 Oh, bruh, if you had some South Pole and some Phat Farms in, like, 2007, 361 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,489 you were killing it, man. 362 00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:33,951 Huh. 363 00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:37,788 So what is the celebration that is happening, then? 364 00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:41,250 So each day has a different meaning, uh, and a different word. 365 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,751 So one day is, like, "unity," 366 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,336 one is "community," one is "family." 367 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:45,254 Oh. 368 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,423 I don't even have them all memorized, but… 369 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,717 So there is like a little table that you put up 370 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,012 and there's different things that represent the struggles of Black people, 371 00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,139 and there's corn on it and harvest, and… 372 00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:57,433 This sounds like something not that fun for me. 373 00:16:57,933 --> 00:16:58,809 Okay. 374 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,564 And today's Black struggle is… Ooh, another one? 375 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:06,942 Oh man. 376 00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:09,945 Oh shit. 377 00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:13,198 -But there's… there's a word for each day. -Yes, there is. 378 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,743 Oh. Which one's the N-word? 379 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,454 -Which day? -Nia. Nia. 380 00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:19,455 Wait, which one? 381 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,498 -Nia. -Nia? Can I even say that? 382 00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,417 Do we gotta bleep that? 383 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,085 Okay, you can say that one? 384 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,712 Phew. Okay. 385 00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:29,506 We almost had to… We almost had to end the entire show right now. 386 00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:31,550 The day of Nia. 387 00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,594 Which means… 388 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,012 -Google it. -Google it? 389 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:39,016 -It's that bad? -No, I just don't remember it. 390 00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:42,227 Oh, I thought you were saying Nia stood for the N-word, 391 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:45,355 and I was like… I was like don't let that be a different version of it, and I… 392 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:46,774 now my whole life's over. 393 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,611 God, you were just saying there is one that starts with an N. 394 00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:51,653 Got it. 395 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:55,074 Phew. Okay. 396 00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:56,867 Thank you. 397 00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:58,869 My Nia. All right. 398 00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:05,292 Scared me to death. 399 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,712 Whoo! All right. 400 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,298 Moving on. 401 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,927 This is good. This is a learning experience. 402 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,096 I've never met somebody who celebrated Kwanzaa before. 403 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:19,306 This is awesome. Thank you for being here. 404 00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:23,936 So we have Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, any… any Muslims here? 405 00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,231 Oh, right here? For real? 406 00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:29,525 Oh, no way! Nice! 407 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:32,027 -What's up, y'all? How you guys doing? -Good, and you? 408 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,779 You guys do Christmas as well? 409 00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:36,573 -Like the Santa version? -We have our own. It's called Eid. 410 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:37,658 -Eid. -Yeah. 411 00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:39,409 What do you guys do for that celebration? 412 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,829 Um, the biggest thing is, uh, prayer usually. 413 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,872 -Prayer. -Uh, it's like a community-led prayer. 414 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,415 -Community leads the prayer. -Yeah. 415 00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:46,667 No gifts at all? 416 00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:47,751 Uh, money. 417 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:49,169 -Money? -Yeah. 418 00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:50,337 Feels very Jewish. 419 00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:52,714 So you… Huh. 420 00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:54,133 Okay. 421 00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:58,303 Interestingly enough, in 2030, Eid and Christmas will be on the same day. 422 00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:01,807 In 2030, Eid and Christmas will be on the same day. 423 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:02,766 Interesting. 424 00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,643 So in 2030, for the first time, 425 00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:09,106 a Muslim holiday and an American holiday will be on the same day. 426 00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,692 -Yeah. -Wow, that hasn't happened since 9/11. 427 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,778 Huh. 428 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:17,322 Interesting. 429 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:23,912 I'm going to stay home all of 2030, actually. No… No flights. 430 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,706 Everybody just stay where you're at. 431 00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:29,668 Mm. 432 00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:32,087 You guys have your foreskin? 433 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:35,674 No? 434 00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:37,426 I know that's a crazy thing to ask, 435 00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:39,970 but, like, if we're… if we're learning, why not? 436 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:45,267 All right. Just curious about it. Gone. Got it. Okay. 437 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,522 I don't care if you guys laugh tonight or not, you learned something right now. 438 00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:55,652 Yeah, that could have went either way. I… I wouldn't have had a guess either way. 439 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,780 I'm kind of mad you guys miss out on the presents aspect of… 440 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:01,450 Because for Christmas, presents is the… is the best part, dude. 441 00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:04,828 You wait all year just to unwrap some presents, hopefully. 442 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:06,872 I've got to say, as much as I looked forward 443 00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:09,416 to getting presents as a kid, now that I'm… I'm 30, 444 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:12,294 it feels so much better to give a good gift. 445 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,171 See that expression light up on their face? 446 00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:17,257 Maybe it was something sentimental, something you handmade. 447 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,509 Maybe it was something they needed that they didn't even… 448 00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:21,595 They didn't know you knew they need it. 449 00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:24,514 So that surprise just lights them up. I… I love that feeling now. 450 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,767 By far the best gift I've ever given anybody. 451 00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:30,479 I don't know how long you guys have been fans of mine or what of mine you've seen, 452 00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:32,940 but on my second YouTube special, Matthew Steven Rife, 453 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,942 I told a story about how I bought my grandpa 454 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,777 a pocket pussy for Christmas. 455 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,363 And he, um… 456 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,282 If you haven't seen it, he broke it… 457 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:44,993 …because he really enjoyed it. 458 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,789 So the next year I got him an even better pocket pussy that was more durable. 459 00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:52,209 And he had that one until the day he died a few years ago. 460 00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:55,045 But when he did die, he passed it down to me. 461 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,839 So now I have the pocket pussy, 462 00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:01,593 and we had him cremated and put inside the pocket pussy. 463 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:05,097 So now every Christmas, we prop him up on the mantel above the fireplace, 464 00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:08,475 and it's like he's a part of the family for Christmas still. 465 00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:12,104 And in the spirit of Christmas, it really wouldn't feel right 466 00:21:12,854 --> 00:21:15,440 to leave him out of the festivities. 467 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:21,863 Uh, we do believe in reincarnation, so we've… we've… we've renamed him Ashley. 468 00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,534 And yeah, my grandpa had just never been to Arizona. 469 00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:28,704 You can tell the dry weather's getting to him a little bit, but, um… 470 00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:32,708 couldn't, uh… couldn't deprive him of this… of this occasion. 471 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:38,380 To this day, that's the best gift I've ever given anybody. 472 00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:42,426 The… The way he lit up when he opened it… My mom knew about it too. 473 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,553 I told her 'cause I was laughing about it too much. 474 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:47,139 We all thought his reaction was gonna be like, "What the fuck?" 475 00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:49,641 But he was so sincerely like, "Thank you." 476 00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:54,187 "Thank you." 477 00:21:55,939 --> 00:22:01,194 And to this day, like, that's the reaction I strive for every time I give a gift now. 478 00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:03,488 So I'm… I'm curious if there's anybody in here tonight 479 00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:06,575 who has received or given a gift to somebody or yourself 480 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:09,453 that resonated in a… a similar way. 481 00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:13,206 Has anybody else gotten like an amazing or absolutely terrible gift? 482 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,249 Right here. 483 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,918 My 16-year-old, I gave him lube. 484 00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:19,212 You gave your 16-year-old lube? 485 00:22:19,296 --> 00:22:20,297 Oh shit.… 486 00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:24,509 -Is he packing like that? -Yeah. 487 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:26,845 Really? Wait, hold on. That was… Hold on. 488 00:22:27,804 --> 00:22:30,182 That reaction was disgusting. Come on. 489 00:22:30,265 --> 00:22:32,768 I was like, "Oh, is your son packing so much that he needs lube?" 490 00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:34,478 And she goes, "Yeah, he, um…" 491 00:22:34,978 --> 00:22:36,063 Have you seen it? 492 00:22:36,146 --> 00:22:37,439 Well, he told me. 493 00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:39,441 He told you? Well, what'd he say? 494 00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:41,234 He just said his is very big. 495 00:22:41,318 --> 00:22:44,571 Well, we all think that until we… until we play a sport. 496 00:22:44,654 --> 00:22:46,031 And then we go, "Oh." 497 00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,493 I know why I'm not starting. 498 00:22:49,576 --> 00:22:50,660 Okay. 499 00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:52,579 Understandable. 500 00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:55,374 He said, "Mine is very big." 501 00:22:55,457 --> 00:22:57,334 Okay. I love the confidence. 502 00:22:57,834 --> 00:23:00,337 He was using, like, I guess, soap? 503 00:23:00,420 --> 00:23:03,215 He was using soap? No! 504 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,843 Oh my. Every guy has been in the shower and been like… 505 00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:16,478 It's straight in your dick hole. It's the worst pain. 506 00:23:16,561 --> 00:23:19,940 It's what I imagine getting cum in your eye feels like as a woman. 507 00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:23,568 Naturally, you're thinking, "What do you do to help him?" 508 00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:26,405 -So I bought this huge-- -What do you do to help him? 509 00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:31,076 That's so thoughtful. 510 00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:37,082 I added him to my Amazon account so that he can order it whenever he wants. 511 00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:42,379 It's added to her Amazon account 512 00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:46,091 so he can reorder any time that he wants. 513 00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:47,634 That's amazing. 514 00:23:48,635 --> 00:23:51,304 Wow. How many… How many times has he repurchased? 515 00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:54,391 Probably five or six times. 516 00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:56,893 Five or six times? 517 00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:58,061 Oh my God. 518 00:23:58,145 --> 00:24:00,188 It's gonna be fucking calloused. 519 00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:03,024 That's insane. 520 00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:04,568 He's gonna be 18 now, so… 521 00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:06,445 He's gonna be 18? 522 00:24:07,821 --> 00:24:10,782 In two years, he's gone through five bottles? 523 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,993 Where is he right now? 524 00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:16,872 -At home. -At home, fucking starting a fire? 525 00:24:19,916 --> 00:24:21,042 I'm so concerned. 526 00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:23,712 Oh boy. 527 00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:28,758 Oh, he's going to fucking… He's going to tear a rotator cuff. 528 00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,343 You got to go easy. 529 00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:35,223 That's so crazy. 530 00:24:35,724 --> 00:24:36,808 Okay. 531 00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:38,727 I mean, he's got a great family. 532 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:41,980 Great mom. You're by far the best mom I've spoken to today. 533 00:24:42,063 --> 00:24:43,190 That's pretty great. 534 00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:44,941 Great gift. 535 00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:46,401 Great gift. 536 00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:48,820 Which actually is a good time right now. 537 00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:51,740 For the viewers at home, if you want to pause right now to jerk off… 538 00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,702 …we'll be right here. 539 00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:22,562 You got this. Come on. 540 00:25:31,363 --> 00:25:33,532 Finish up. We're back to the show. 541 00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:36,493 All right. What's another good or terrible gift? 542 00:25:36,576 --> 00:25:39,704 -Right here? -Yeah. I, uh, gave my wife a vacuum. 543 00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:41,665 -You gave your wife a vacuum? -Yeah. 544 00:25:44,668 --> 00:25:46,419 As a joke? Or were you like… 545 00:25:46,503 --> 00:25:49,130 No, obviously. It was within the first year of marriage, 546 00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:50,632 and I thought it was a great thing. 547 00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:51,883 Said she wanted one. 548 00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:56,846 She wanted one on, like, a Thursday, dude. Not… Not as a Christmas gift. 549 00:25:56,930 --> 00:25:58,431 It's so suggestive. 550 00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:01,851 Oh man, what a wonderful Christmas. Who's going to clean this up? 551 00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:04,229 We're not married anymore. 552 00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:06,273 -You're not even married anymore? -No, no, no. 553 00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:09,818 Couldn't even sweep up the pieces of your marriage. Unbelievable. 554 00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:13,029 So who… who's this? 555 00:26:13,113 --> 00:26:15,448 -Oh, this is… -Hi, it's… 556 00:26:18,243 --> 00:26:19,869 She's not getting a vacuum. 557 00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:21,288 She's not getting a vacuum. 558 00:26:21,371 --> 00:26:23,623 Well, can somebody get her some water? 'Cause that was… 559 00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:27,752 I said, "Who's this?" 560 00:26:31,256 --> 00:26:33,008 Jesus! 561 00:26:36,052 --> 00:26:37,762 Just dating. Congratulations, I think. 562 00:26:37,846 --> 00:26:39,139 -Thank you. -Thank you. 563 00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:42,601 You got a… You got a brace on your wrist. What happened? 564 00:26:43,727 --> 00:26:45,020 Didn't vacuum enough? 565 00:26:48,898 --> 00:26:50,859 Netflix cannot put that out there, dude. 566 00:26:50,942 --> 00:26:53,445 That is… That would be two specials in a row. 567 00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:55,989 I can't… I just… I don't want to deal with it. 568 00:26:56,072 --> 00:26:57,657 Cut it. Unbelievable. 569 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,327 Okay. Vacuum. 570 00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:02,037 I can see how it could… how you were like, 571 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,331 "No, this is something that I… I remember her saying." 572 00:27:04,414 --> 00:27:05,624 "We need it for the house." 573 00:27:05,707 --> 00:27:07,125 -"I'll get it for Christmas." -Yeah. 574 00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:08,877 Good thought, bad timing. 575 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,129 That's… We'll have to round that up to that. 576 00:27:11,212 --> 00:27:13,173 What's another… What's another one? 577 00:27:13,256 --> 00:27:15,508 Right here in the… in the sparkles? 578 00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:17,510 I am Asian. 579 00:27:17,594 --> 00:27:18,470 Nuh-uh. 580 00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:24,184 And one of my relatives got me an African American doll 581 00:27:24,267 --> 00:27:26,770 because they didn't have an Asian doll. 582 00:27:27,896 --> 00:27:28,813 Oh! 583 00:27:30,065 --> 00:27:31,232 That's pretty funny. 584 00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:33,902 What did, uh… What did you name her? 585 00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:36,029 I don't even remember. 586 00:27:36,112 --> 00:27:37,030 Yeah, you do. 587 00:27:41,284 --> 00:27:43,411 There's these two Black women in front of you 588 00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:45,413 who, uh… 589 00:27:48,958 --> 00:27:51,503 who were just waiting for a Shaniqua. 590 00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:57,217 That couldn't be better placement. 591 00:27:57,300 --> 00:28:00,845 I'm so happy… so happy you guys sat next to each other. 592 00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:02,931 Oh, that's really funny. 593 00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,183 You still have fun time playing with her? 594 00:28:05,266 --> 00:28:06,101 -Of course. -Okay. 595 00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:08,061 Weren't a lot of Asian toys back in the day. 596 00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:10,980 -I got a lot of African American dolls. -You got a lot of Black dolls? 597 00:28:11,064 --> 00:28:12,148 That's so funny. 598 00:28:12,732 --> 00:28:13,650 I don't know. 599 00:28:13,733 --> 00:28:15,568 Black women, how do you guys feel about this? 600 00:28:16,361 --> 00:28:18,113 Is it good… Is it good for inclusion? 601 00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:21,157 Or how do you feel about her controlling a Black person? 602 00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:27,622 I'm kind of on the fence about it myself. Really. 603 00:28:31,835 --> 00:28:33,545 But what voice did you give her? 604 00:28:36,548 --> 00:28:38,925 Everyone does a voice with their toys, right? 605 00:28:39,008 --> 00:28:41,219 I'm… I'm just picturing a little Asian girl being like, 606 00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:42,929 "Bitch, you know… you know what?" 607 00:28:45,473 --> 00:28:47,225 That's so funny to me. 608 00:28:47,308 --> 00:28:49,394 Mm-hmm. 609 00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:54,023 Or was it… 610 00:28:57,527 --> 00:29:00,447 Or was it this little Black doll going, "Haro." 611 00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:05,326 That… Either one is so wrong. 612 00:29:08,496 --> 00:29:10,165 Oh my God. 613 00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,293 Next. Um… 614 00:29:14,043 --> 00:29:15,587 Eh, fuck it. We'll go right here. 615 00:29:15,670 --> 00:29:18,840 So, uh, a couple of years ago, I got diagnosed with testicle cancer. 616 00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:22,677 So my coworkers gave me half a nut sack for Christmas. 617 00:29:24,512 --> 00:29:27,557 They gave you half a nut sack for Christmas. 618 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:28,850 A plastic one. Yeah. 619 00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:32,187 A plastic one. Oh, I thought it was like a half-eaten bag of peanuts. 620 00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:33,980 Oh man. 621 00:29:34,063 --> 00:29:35,607 Did you end up losing it? 622 00:29:35,690 --> 00:29:37,609 -Um, yeah. The real one, yeah. -No way. 623 00:29:37,692 --> 00:29:39,444 Did you get to keep the one they took out? 624 00:29:39,527 --> 00:29:40,653 -No. -What? 625 00:29:40,737 --> 00:29:42,030 They didn't give me the option. 626 00:29:42,113 --> 00:29:43,156 -What? -That's what I said. 627 00:29:43,239 --> 00:29:44,657 They'll give you back kidney stones. 628 00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:46,868 You're telling me I can't have my ball back? 629 00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:50,455 You gotta… You should get it fucking bronzed like baby feet. 630 00:29:50,538 --> 00:29:51,915 Like, you know what I mean? Like… 631 00:29:51,998 --> 00:29:54,375 People bronze their little baby shoes or something like that. 632 00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:55,335 That'd be great. 633 00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,796 Put it in a nutcracker's mouth for Christmas or something. 634 00:29:59,714 --> 00:30:01,841 So when you… when you do lose one, do they put, uh, 635 00:30:01,925 --> 00:30:03,510 a fake one in there to even it out? Or… 636 00:30:03,593 --> 00:30:04,803 No, it's just empty. 637 00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:05,887 You're just… 638 00:30:06,721 --> 00:30:09,098 -You're just turkey-necking it. -Exactly. 639 00:30:12,310 --> 00:30:13,978 So just the one down there right now? 640 00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:16,815 Just like a fuck… Just a grandfather clock. Just… 641 00:30:19,317 --> 00:30:20,151 Nice. 642 00:30:20,693 --> 00:30:24,823 Now when you-- I'm curious about this. When you… when you lose one testicle, 643 00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:26,866 do you come faster? 644 00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:28,493 Or slower? 645 00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:30,995 -Has it affected it whatsoever? -That's a question for her. 646 00:30:31,079 --> 00:30:32,038 Ma'am? 647 00:30:32,121 --> 00:30:33,623 It's the same. 648 00:30:33,706 --> 00:30:34,958 -About the same? -Thirty seconds. 649 00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:36,209 Thirty seconds. 650 00:30:39,546 --> 00:30:40,922 Nothing wrong with that. 651 00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:44,008 It happens to be exactly how long it takes to get to Mars. 652 00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,344 So, nothing wrong with that. 653 00:30:46,427 --> 00:30:49,639 Okay. What about the amount? 654 00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:53,560 -It's the same amount. -Same amount. Really? 655 00:30:53,643 --> 00:30:54,644 Huh. 656 00:30:54,727 --> 00:30:55,895 Just less shots. 657 00:30:55,979 --> 00:30:57,313 -Less shots. -Yeah. 658 00:30:57,397 --> 00:30:58,815 But… But the same? 659 00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:02,402 So it went from like… 660 00:31:02,485 --> 00:31:03,403 To now one just… 661 00:31:11,202 --> 00:31:12,871 It shouldn't be the same. 662 00:31:16,749 --> 00:31:19,043 We went south with the visuals real quick. 663 00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:22,547 Okay. Lost a nut. 664 00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:24,340 Half a nut sack. 665 00:31:24,424 --> 00:31:26,593 Those are good coworkers. I like that a lot. 666 00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:27,510 All right. 667 00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,178 The hat right here. 668 00:31:29,262 --> 00:31:30,930 Sixty decks of cards. 669 00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:32,807 Oh, dude, I did not know you were a guy. 670 00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:36,477 I'm gonna be completely… I'm gonna be completely honest, man. 671 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:38,605 You look like a baby-faced lesbian. 672 00:31:38,688 --> 00:31:42,066 That caught me… That caught me so off guard. 673 00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:44,152 I'm sorry. 674 00:31:44,819 --> 00:31:45,945 Sorry about that. 675 00:31:47,155 --> 00:31:48,072 Continue. 676 00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:50,491 Sixty decks of cards. 677 00:31:50,575 --> 00:31:52,327 -Sixty decks of cards. -Yeah. 678 00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:53,536 Somebody got that for you? 679 00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:55,288 -Yeah, my mom. -Why? 680 00:31:55,371 --> 00:31:57,373 Uh, I'm a professional magician. 681 00:31:57,957 --> 00:32:00,043 -What? No way. -Yeah. 682 00:32:00,126 --> 00:32:01,961 -Yeah. -Holy shit. 683 00:32:02,045 --> 00:32:04,547 This is… You don't have to if you don't want to. 684 00:32:04,631 --> 00:32:06,090 -You got cards on you? -I do. 685 00:32:06,174 --> 00:32:08,176 Shut the fuck up. 686 00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:09,928 -Can you… Could you do a trick? -Yeah. 687 00:32:10,011 --> 00:32:12,055 -For real? -Yeah. Can I do it? 688 00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:14,682 Fuck it. We're doing it. I… I love magic, dude. 689 00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:16,351 I love magic. 690 00:32:16,976 --> 00:32:17,810 You just… 691 00:32:18,353 --> 00:32:19,187 Always. 692 00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:21,147 -What's… What's your name? -My name's Gino. 693 00:32:21,230 --> 00:32:24,192 Gino. Nice to meet you. You carry a deck of cards with you at all times? 694 00:32:24,275 --> 00:32:26,694 Always. Yeah, it's one of the sixties. We're at 59 now. 695 00:32:26,778 --> 00:32:29,364 Dude, wait till you try pussy. 696 00:32:29,447 --> 00:32:31,741 It's gonna change your life, man. 697 00:32:32,784 --> 00:32:33,618 That's… 698 00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,206 This is… This is crazy, man. 699 00:32:38,289 --> 00:32:41,417 I love magic. It's like one of my… It's one my favorite fucking things. 700 00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:44,212 I have this whole theory in my head. The magician's, like… 701 00:32:44,295 --> 00:32:46,422 -That magic is totally real. -Yeah. 702 00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:48,341 My theory is that magic's real, right? 703 00:32:48,424 --> 00:32:50,259 And that there's like this other realm, 704 00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:52,762 like a Harry Potter, but the number one rule is 705 00:32:52,845 --> 00:32:55,056 you're not allowed to do magic in front of normal people. 706 00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:58,685 You're not allowed to monetize off of it. So you see all these famous magicians. 707 00:32:58,768 --> 00:33:01,604 My theory is they were like, "Fuck that. I'm gonna go make bank 708 00:33:01,688 --> 00:33:03,064 in this different world." 709 00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:05,149 And then sometimes they're… Sometimes… 710 00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:08,945 -Sometimes it's just this, but, um… -Yeah. 711 00:33:09,028 --> 00:33:12,448 Okay, okay. All right. So you… How do you want to do it? 712 00:33:12,532 --> 00:33:14,367 Yeah, just name any card in the deck of cards. 713 00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:15,451 Any one you'd like. 714 00:33:15,535 --> 00:33:16,494 -Say it? -Yeah. 715 00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:17,829 Uh, seven of hearts. 716 00:33:17,912 --> 00:33:20,456 Seven of hearts. Oh, look. I dropped it on the ground right here. 717 00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,750 What the fuck? 718 00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:23,668 Dude. 719 00:33:26,921 --> 00:33:29,799 -Oh, this is crazy already. Okay, okay. -Watch the seven of hearts. Ready? 720 00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:31,384 -Okay. -What I do, I bend it like this. 721 00:33:31,467 --> 00:33:34,554 Now I do this so you can watch the seven. Right? So it's gonna go in the middle. 722 00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:36,723 -Okay. -Confirm to everyone it's in the middle. 723 00:33:36,806 --> 00:33:40,560 Watch close. You're gonna see this happen. Ready? One, two, up. 724 00:33:41,144 --> 00:33:42,145 Like that. 725 00:33:43,104 --> 00:33:44,814 -Dude. What's crazy-- -Turn it over. 726 00:33:44,897 --> 00:33:47,150 As soon as it popped up, I got hard a little bit. 727 00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:50,236 I got him going. 728 00:33:51,070 --> 00:33:52,822 He snapped, and I was like, "ha." 729 00:33:54,615 --> 00:33:55,950 -Bro-- -Oh, there you go. 730 00:33:56,451 --> 00:34:00,288 It's the fucking seven of hearts, dude. That's crazy. 731 00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:01,330 Want to see one more? 732 00:34:01,414 --> 00:34:03,499 Yeah, do one more, dude. Why not? 733 00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:05,293 I was so confident 734 00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:07,879 that you were gonna call me up here and name the seven of hearts, 735 00:34:07,962 --> 00:34:09,839 I put one card in my hat. 736 00:34:09,922 --> 00:34:12,675 Shut the fuck up, dude. 737 00:34:17,346 --> 00:34:18,389 Bro! 738 00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:21,100 -That's amazing. -Thank you. 739 00:34:21,184 --> 00:34:22,393 Holy shit. 740 00:34:22,477 --> 00:34:23,686 Thank you so much. 741 00:34:25,229 --> 00:34:27,523 Go sit down. Go sit down. 742 00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:31,360 Bro. One more time for Gino. 743 00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:32,862 Holy shit. 744 00:34:32,945 --> 00:34:34,030 Gino! 745 00:34:36,365 --> 00:34:38,201 Gino! Whoo! 746 00:34:38,284 --> 00:34:41,621 When I turned and I was like, "What the fuck," before he did the hat thing, 747 00:34:41,704 --> 00:34:43,706 did he fucking do anything to put anything in? 748 00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:45,458 What the fuck, dude? 749 00:34:46,292 --> 00:34:47,210 Demon. 750 00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:51,339 My… My all-time favorite hater comment is like, 751 00:34:51,422 --> 00:34:55,134 "Plant. He must know that person. He had to set it up beforehand." 752 00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:57,512 Have I fucking ever met you, ever, Gino? 753 00:34:57,595 --> 00:35:00,306 -Not at all. -No. I thought you were a little girl. 754 00:35:02,183 --> 00:35:03,059 Never. 755 00:35:03,142 --> 00:35:08,314 I want to go on record right now, never met this dude. 756 00:35:08,397 --> 00:35:11,359 I… As soon as he was like, "I was confident you were gonna bring me up." 757 00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:13,486 "Seven of hearts." I was like, now I regret it. 758 00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:14,737 Just a little bit. 759 00:35:15,446 --> 00:35:18,241 Just so that all night, when he left here tonight, 760 00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:19,242 he had to go… 761 00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,166 Show's over, really. 762 00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:30,670 I don't know… I… I don't know how, unless I fucking… 763 00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:33,464 Their foreskin's back on. 764 00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:35,550 That would be the craziest thing. 765 00:35:36,300 --> 00:35:39,011 That would be… That would be… whole show is over. 766 00:35:43,933 --> 00:35:45,935 Bro, that's, uh… that's awesome, Gino. 767 00:35:46,018 --> 00:35:47,812 Thank you… Thank you for sharing that, dude. 768 00:35:47,895 --> 00:35:49,188 What else we got? 769 00:35:50,439 --> 00:35:53,109 -Sir, with his hand up right here. -Best gift I get every year. 770 00:35:53,192 --> 00:35:54,777 -Every year? -Every year. 771 00:35:54,861 --> 00:35:57,864 -My in-laws are with me, so bear with me. -Okay. 772 00:35:57,947 --> 00:36:03,744 But my wife does a monthly photo shoot of all these sexual boudoir… 773 00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:05,413 Nude. 774 00:36:06,330 --> 00:36:07,456 Hold on, hold on. 775 00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:09,625 Every month, your wife will do 776 00:36:09,709 --> 00:36:11,878 -a sexually themed photo shoot. -So what she does… 777 00:36:11,961 --> 00:36:16,299 She takes me on a monthly date, so every December I get a book or maybe cards. 778 00:36:16,382 --> 00:36:19,552 Um, I think this year it's a calendar. I'm hoping. Um… 779 00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,514 Okay, but it's not a photo for every day of the month. 780 00:36:23,598 --> 00:36:25,600 -It's just for the theme of the month. -No, no. Yes. 781 00:36:25,683 --> 00:36:29,145 So naked photo, holding balloons on her tippy-toes. 782 00:36:30,271 --> 00:36:32,690 I wish you guys could see her parents right now. 783 00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:33,774 They're like, 784 00:36:34,817 --> 00:36:36,944 "She used to be such a good girl." 785 00:36:37,612 --> 00:36:39,488 Oh man. 786 00:36:39,572 --> 00:36:41,908 That was the date for that month, was hot-air ballooning, 787 00:36:41,991 --> 00:36:43,701 so I have to try to figure it out. 788 00:36:43,784 --> 00:36:46,704 Hold on, real quick. What does she do for February? 789 00:36:47,538 --> 00:36:51,500 February is my birthday, so that one's always a little darker, more like… 790 00:36:51,584 --> 00:36:52,543 Darker? 791 00:36:57,924 --> 00:37:00,426 You know, it's also Black History Month. You know that, right? 792 00:37:06,224 --> 00:37:07,141 All right. 793 00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:09,810 What was July? 794 00:37:09,894 --> 00:37:12,063 -That's my birthday, so I was just… -It's your birthday? 795 00:37:12,146 --> 00:37:13,981 I was spread-eagled, naked in my birthday suit. 796 00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:18,736 Just… Just shooting Roman candles out of her pussy? Just… 797 00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:27,578 Wow, that's an amazing gift. You guys are fun as shit. 798 00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:28,996 You guys have kids? 799 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:30,122 -Three. -We do. Three. 800 00:37:30,206 --> 00:37:31,916 Three. Oh boy. 801 00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:35,211 Wait till they find this calendar someday. 802 00:37:36,212 --> 00:37:37,755 Man, that's also traumatizing. 803 00:37:37,838 --> 00:37:39,590 Like, don't put that calendar on the fridge. 804 00:37:39,674 --> 00:37:43,719 You don't want soccer practice written under mom's just gaping asshole. 805 00:37:48,474 --> 00:37:52,103 I've never been more sure a couple's gonna make it in my entire life. 806 00:37:52,812 --> 00:37:55,398 This is amazing. There's romance. 807 00:37:56,565 --> 00:37:57,733 Aw. 808 00:37:58,234 --> 00:37:59,819 It's even better that your… that your… 809 00:37:59,902 --> 00:38:02,071 your parents are here for this, to be honest. 810 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:03,739 Uh, Mom and Dad? 811 00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:06,325 -Yes. -You guys ever done anything like that? 812 00:38:06,409 --> 00:38:08,119 Probably worse. 813 00:38:10,246 --> 00:38:13,791 Hold on, hold on. Let's… Let's hear them out. 814 00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:16,961 Anything of the same realm? 815 00:38:17,044 --> 00:38:20,089 What did… What did you guys get for your anniversary? That's worse. 816 00:38:20,172 --> 00:38:22,008 What did you get for your anniversary? 817 00:38:22,091 --> 00:38:25,303 Plane tickets to have sex on an airplane ride. 818 00:38:25,386 --> 00:38:26,304 Mile High. 819 00:38:29,515 --> 00:38:31,225 -All right. -Mile High Club. 820 00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,311 Mile High Club. And did… Have you guys done it yet? 821 00:38:33,394 --> 00:38:34,228 Oh yeah. 822 00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:35,229 Nice! 823 00:38:39,108 --> 00:38:40,067 What airline? 824 00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:42,194 It's in Vegas. 825 00:38:42,278 --> 00:38:44,905 It's in Vegas. There's just a sex plane? 826 00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:46,073 Yeah. 827 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:47,616 That's disgusting. 828 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,703 Can you imagine getting a middle seat on that plane? 829 00:38:57,251 --> 00:38:59,211 Are there other people on the plane? 830 00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:02,173 The pilot, but it's closed and he has headphones. 831 00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:04,342 -But it's like a private plane? -Yes. 832 00:39:04,425 --> 00:39:05,760 Oh, okay. 833 00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:08,179 I thought this was like Southwest Airlines. 834 00:39:09,847 --> 00:39:14,435 And there was, like, one bathroom and then just lines of couples being like, 835 00:39:15,227 --> 00:39:16,354 "Come on!" 836 00:39:17,605 --> 00:39:20,649 "We're halfway to fucking Phoenix, dude. Let's go!" 837 00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:27,281 This is… 838 00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:30,534 You guys are awesome, man. That's a fucking… That's a fantastic gift. 839 00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:31,702 Good for you guys. 840 00:39:32,286 --> 00:39:34,413 All right, we're going to pivot out of this, okay? 841 00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:36,624 If we're going to talk about presents, 842 00:39:36,707 --> 00:39:38,793 we have to talk about how you get the presents, right? 843 00:39:38,876 --> 00:39:41,295 Not everybody gets gifts for Christmas. 844 00:39:42,004 --> 00:39:45,216 You got to end up on the list, right? Got to make the nice list. 845 00:39:45,299 --> 00:39:47,218 Everybody knows Santa has a list, checks it twice. 846 00:39:47,301 --> 00:39:49,220 If you've been good, you end up on the nice list. 847 00:39:49,303 --> 00:39:51,180 You get… get… You get gifts. 848 00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:54,809 If you were not nice this year, you end up on the naughty list. 849 00:39:54,892 --> 00:39:58,020 You don't get any gifts at all. I think that's a very important tradition 850 00:39:58,104 --> 00:39:59,730 a lot of us should take further into life. 851 00:39:59,814 --> 00:40:01,065 I think at the end of each year, 852 00:40:01,148 --> 00:40:03,359 we should all do a little self-reflecting and think back, 853 00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:06,112 and say, "Wow, was… was I nice this year?" 854 00:40:06,195 --> 00:40:08,406 "Was I a good person? Did I maybe do something selfless?" 855 00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:10,074 "Could I have helped somebody out?" 856 00:40:10,157 --> 00:40:12,368 "Is there something I could improve on for next year?" 857 00:40:12,451 --> 00:40:14,537 "Or did I end up on the naughty list?" 858 00:40:14,620 --> 00:40:16,455 Which is easier to end up on. 859 00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,333 It's a lot more fun, for sure. 860 00:40:20,167 --> 00:40:22,461 But I think we should all strive to be as nice as possible, 861 00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,381 even if… even if it doesn't end nice. At least try. 862 00:40:25,464 --> 00:40:27,133 I try to make the nice list every year. 863 00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,428 And no matter what city I'm in for the last show before Christmas, 864 00:40:30,511 --> 00:40:33,264 I'll do a toy drive. I'll invite all the audience to bring a toy. 865 00:40:33,347 --> 00:40:34,682 I go buy a couple hundred toys. 866 00:40:34,765 --> 00:40:39,186 We donate them to like whatever the local children's hospital is in the city. 867 00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:43,441 It… It feels like a selfless thing to do. 868 00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:45,317 It's nice to do something for somebody else. 869 00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:49,697 There's a lot of moms there who are about to have a lot of free time on their hands. 870 00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:52,825 So it kind of skews naughty, just a little bit. 871 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:56,704 I'm curious if there's anybody in here who did anything this year 872 00:40:56,787 --> 00:40:59,665 who might have wound them up on the naughty or nice list. 873 00:41:02,084 --> 00:41:03,878 I'll stay up here all night. 874 00:41:07,590 --> 00:41:08,549 Right here. 875 00:41:08,632 --> 00:41:12,094 Um, my husband had kidney troubles for years, 876 00:41:12,178 --> 00:41:14,889 and this year he needed a kidney, 877 00:41:14,972 --> 00:41:18,559 so I tested to possibly be a donor for him. 878 00:41:19,059 --> 00:41:24,690 Unfortunately, I wasn't able to because of my own medical history, 879 00:41:25,191 --> 00:41:27,359 but my new son-in-law, 880 00:41:27,443 --> 00:41:30,988 they had only been married a month, donated his kidney to him. 881 00:41:31,071 --> 00:41:32,448 No way. 882 00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:39,538 -Doing great and living life! -That's crazy. 883 00:41:39,622 --> 00:41:41,248 Funny thing is, I don't know if you know, 884 00:41:41,332 --> 00:41:45,544 they don't actually replace a kidney. They give him a third kidney. 885 00:41:45,628 --> 00:41:46,754 -I did not know that. -So… 886 00:41:46,837 --> 00:41:48,756 So you have… you have three kidneys right now? 887 00:41:48,839 --> 00:41:50,382 -Yes, I do. -No way. 888 00:41:50,466 --> 00:41:51,800 Do you feel more full? 889 00:41:52,885 --> 00:41:55,262 No, but I can actually feel it. They put it in the front. 890 00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:57,181 -You can really feel it up front? -Yup. 891 00:41:57,264 --> 00:41:59,308 No way, like a little fanny pack. 892 00:42:01,268 --> 00:42:03,145 Oh, that's pretty awesome. 893 00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:06,982 You said the son-in-law had only been married to your daughter 894 00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:08,150 for about a year? 895 00:42:08,234 --> 00:42:10,528 -No, like a… Three months. -Month and a half. 896 00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:11,654 A month and a half? 897 00:42:11,737 --> 00:42:14,615 They found out on their honeymoon that he was… he was a match. 898 00:42:14,698 --> 00:42:16,534 -No way. -On the beach in Mexico. 899 00:42:16,617 --> 00:42:18,285 Way to ruin their vacation. 900 00:42:20,663 --> 00:42:22,998 That's… That's pretty-- Where the fuck are your kidneys? 901 00:42:23,082 --> 00:42:24,250 -They're… -In the back. 902 00:42:24,333 --> 00:42:26,919 They're… They're in the back. And they put one up front now? 903 00:42:27,002 --> 00:42:28,254 That seems dangerous. 904 00:42:29,296 --> 00:42:30,589 You seem easy to fight. 905 00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:31,924 Now. 906 00:42:32,007 --> 00:42:35,761 -Too old to get in a fight, so it's okay. -Too old to get in a fight. I love that. 907 00:42:35,844 --> 00:42:38,222 Give me your fucking wallet. Right now. 908 00:42:38,305 --> 00:42:40,474 'Cause you're not gonna… 909 00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:44,061 No. Now that I know you won't defend yourself, this is good. 910 00:42:45,145 --> 00:42:47,982 Okay. Wow. Yeah, the son-in-law. 911 00:42:48,065 --> 00:42:50,526 What a guy, what a guy. Nice list, for sure. 912 00:42:53,445 --> 00:42:57,116 Yeah. Kind of can't get mad at him for pumping your daughter now, right? 913 00:42:57,199 --> 00:42:58,534 Like, he saved your life. 914 00:43:00,744 --> 00:43:03,289 He got… He gets one now. You know what I mean? 915 00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:06,792 He actually changed his last name to… to my daughter's last name. 916 00:43:06,875 --> 00:43:09,253 Oh, wow. So she's pumping him. 917 00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:16,343 Man, took this man's kidney and his last name. 918 00:43:17,845 --> 00:43:20,222 You… Oh, wow. That boy's going through it, man. 919 00:43:21,056 --> 00:43:22,391 Okay. 920 00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:25,519 Who else is on the nice list? 921 00:43:26,020 --> 00:43:27,354 Right back here in the Santa hat. 922 00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:31,108 Yeah, I'm a scoutmaster for a troop in the Phoenix area. 923 00:43:31,191 --> 00:43:35,112 I take them camping for over a week, uh, every summer. 924 00:43:35,195 --> 00:43:38,157 Oh, that's awesome. Chris Hansen. Will you come out real quick? 925 00:43:39,241 --> 00:43:41,201 Yeah, you want to come out 'cause um… 926 00:43:42,202 --> 00:43:43,120 We got him. 927 00:43:46,081 --> 00:43:47,750 You're a scoutmaster. 928 00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:50,711 Take them into the woods for a little bit. 929 00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:52,296 Every year. 930 00:43:52,379 --> 00:43:53,547 Okay. 931 00:43:54,048 --> 00:43:56,091 Is this, uh, like… like a Boy Scout kind of thing? 932 00:43:56,175 --> 00:43:59,011 It's, uh, Scouts, yeah. Now it's, uh, girls and boys, but… 933 00:43:59,094 --> 00:44:01,889 Now it's girls and boys. Got it. Now you got options. 934 00:44:01,972 --> 00:44:02,848 Yeah. 935 00:44:02,931 --> 00:44:03,932 Good for you. 936 00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:09,772 I didn't know they still did that at all. 937 00:44:09,855 --> 00:44:13,901 Now, when you take them into the woods, are they learning any special skills? 938 00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:19,114 There's an ice cream eating contest without your hands. 939 00:44:19,198 --> 00:44:22,409 There's an ice cream eating contest without your hands. 940 00:44:24,912 --> 00:44:26,789 Who judges the contest? 941 00:44:28,207 --> 00:44:29,458 Some of the counselors. 942 00:44:29,541 --> 00:44:30,876 Some of the counselors. 943 00:44:30,959 --> 00:44:32,753 That's disgusting, dude. 944 00:44:33,420 --> 00:44:35,130 Yeah, number four's got it. 945 00:44:39,009 --> 00:44:42,680 That's, uh… Man, there's nothing but a problem with this. 946 00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:47,559 Let me ask you something just based on your voice. 947 00:44:48,060 --> 00:44:48,977 Gay? 948 00:44:49,061 --> 00:44:50,312 -Yep. -Yep. 949 00:44:56,694 --> 00:44:59,988 I'm surprised you don't hold a hot dog eating contest while you're out there. 950 00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:09,915 All right. 951 00:45:11,166 --> 00:45:14,545 How mad were you that they started bringing girls along for this trip? 952 00:45:16,839 --> 00:45:17,756 They're gonna ruin it. 953 00:45:22,136 --> 00:45:24,054 Naughty list, for sure, man. 954 00:45:25,097 --> 00:45:28,642 I know you're trying to do a good thing, but there's no way. 955 00:45:30,060 --> 00:45:31,937 Not letting that slide, dude. 956 00:45:32,813 --> 00:45:34,523 Oh man. 957 00:45:36,233 --> 00:45:38,485 Yeah, that's, um… That's a police report. 958 00:45:40,612 --> 00:45:41,697 Okay, so what else? 959 00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:44,783 -I got one. Nice list. For sure. -You've got a nice list moment? 960 00:45:44,867 --> 00:45:45,701 What did you do? 961 00:45:45,784 --> 00:45:48,871 So we went to California, Newport Beach. We're at the pier. 962 00:45:49,371 --> 00:45:52,583 A mom is screaming, hysterical. 963 00:45:52,666 --> 00:45:53,792 She can't find her son. 964 00:45:53,876 --> 00:45:56,754 -A mom couldn't find her son at Newport. -We have three kids. 965 00:45:56,837 --> 00:46:00,257 We have an 11-year-old and two 8-year-olds, twins. 966 00:46:00,340 --> 00:46:02,050 You have an 11-year-old and two 8-year-olds. 967 00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:04,094 -So you gave the mom one of your kids. -Yep. 968 00:46:05,304 --> 00:46:06,555 -Nice. -We had a twin. 969 00:46:06,638 --> 00:46:09,516 One of the twins, preferably. You're not even going to notice, you know? 970 00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:13,479 So as a mom, I'm sure all the moms can know, 971 00:46:13,562 --> 00:46:16,774 if that was you, you'd want everyone in the world helping you find your kid. 972 00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:17,775 Of course. 973 00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:19,610 So I ask her, "What does your kid look like?" 974 00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:21,528 "Show me a picture. What's your kid's name?" 975 00:46:21,612 --> 00:46:24,323 I said, "Everyone grab a kid," because we have too many kids. 976 00:46:24,406 --> 00:46:25,532 Everyone grab a kid. 977 00:46:26,116 --> 00:46:27,493 That's what he says too. 978 00:46:30,996 --> 00:46:32,498 Everyone buddy up. 979 00:46:34,291 --> 00:46:37,002 All the bigs, grab a small. All the smalls, grab a big. 980 00:46:39,588 --> 00:46:43,342 So we start running around Newport Beach looking for this kid, right? 981 00:46:43,425 --> 00:46:44,384 Mm-hmm. 982 00:46:44,468 --> 00:46:49,807 And I see this little boy with a man holding him by the… by the arm. 983 00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:51,558 A man was holding him by the arm? 984 00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,477 Was he holding him like, "Found him?" 985 00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:54,812 Or like, "Come on." 986 00:46:54,895 --> 00:46:56,271 -Like angrily. Yeah. -Angrily? 987 00:46:56,355 --> 00:47:00,818 I say the kid's name, he looks at me, and I said, "Oh my God, this is him." 988 00:47:00,901 --> 00:47:02,277 And I was like, "Who are you?" 989 00:47:02,361 --> 00:47:03,737 And he says, "I'm his dad." 990 00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:05,656 And I said, "Well, come with me." 991 00:47:05,739 --> 00:47:09,076 We go to the mom. It was the dad, but they were absolutely hammered, wasted. 992 00:47:09,159 --> 00:47:11,829 And I think the kid just wandered off. But we found the kid. 993 00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,831 Oh wow. No, hold on, hold on. 994 00:47:13,914 --> 00:47:16,416 She didn't find the kid. The dad found the kid. 995 00:47:17,334 --> 00:47:18,544 I connected the family. 996 00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:19,878 You connected the family. 997 00:47:19,962 --> 00:47:22,756 It… It sounds like they weren't going to make it, regardless. 998 00:47:23,924 --> 00:47:25,300 All right, all right. 999 00:47:25,384 --> 00:47:27,678 -You got the assist. -Nice? 1000 00:47:27,761 --> 00:47:29,346 Okay. I'm gonna go nice list on that. 1001 00:47:29,429 --> 00:47:32,599 Your intentions were in the right place, but also, mind your fucking business. 1002 00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:33,892 You know what I mean? 1003 00:47:33,976 --> 00:47:37,187 Don't you hate when somebody comes over and tells you how to parent, you know? 1004 00:47:37,771 --> 00:47:39,481 All right. Going back to naughty list, then. 1005 00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:41,650 You. Right back here. 1006 00:47:42,317 --> 00:47:45,070 Sitting next to fucking BMX Mike Wazowski. 1007 00:47:49,783 --> 00:47:50,617 Okay. 1008 00:47:51,368 --> 00:47:53,036 I would like to expose my mother. 1009 00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:53,954 Okay. 1010 00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:59,167 Um, so when she was growing up, she contracted, um, polio. So she-- 1011 00:47:59,251 --> 00:48:00,377 She got polio? 1012 00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:05,799 Yeah, so now, in her older years, um, she has post-polio syndrome, so-- 1013 00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:07,009 It gets you again? 1014 00:48:07,092 --> 00:48:08,218 Yeah. 1015 00:48:08,302 --> 00:48:11,096 She's had to have her ankles fused together. She can't really walk. 1016 00:48:11,179 --> 00:48:14,349 Her ankles have been fused together? Your mom's a fucking mermaid? 1017 00:48:16,810 --> 00:48:20,188 Uh, that's a nice… a… a nice way of describing her. 1018 00:48:20,272 --> 00:48:21,732 That is a nice way to describe her. 1019 00:48:21,815 --> 00:48:24,985 You could say turned her into a taquito? I don't know what else… 1020 00:48:26,820 --> 00:48:29,698 Okay, so ankles are fused together. 1021 00:48:30,324 --> 00:48:33,452 So sometimes she has to use a… a walker. Sometimes-- 1022 00:48:34,036 --> 00:48:35,871 -A walker? -Uh, um… 1023 00:48:40,125 --> 00:48:43,253 -That's exactly what it looks like! -That's so sad. 1024 00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:45,172 She's essentially disabled. 1025 00:48:45,255 --> 00:48:46,256 I'd say so. 1026 00:48:47,966 --> 00:48:49,676 You know the commercials? 1027 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,470 The sad animal commercials? 1028 00:48:51,553 --> 00:48:52,888 The Sarah McLachlan ones, yeah. 1029 00:48:52,971 --> 00:48:57,559 They have, um, children who are spokespeople 1030 00:48:57,643 --> 00:48:59,811 for Shriners Children's Hospital. 1031 00:48:59,895 --> 00:49:01,897 -Okay. -They ask for donations. 1032 00:49:01,980 --> 00:49:03,148 They ask for donations. 1033 00:49:03,231 --> 00:49:06,360 And my mother was visiting us and we were watching TV, 1034 00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:11,823 and the commercial came on, and as a disabled person herself, 1035 00:49:11,907 --> 00:49:15,452 she looked at these children asking for money, 1036 00:49:15,535 --> 00:49:17,663 and to one of them, she said, 1037 00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:22,793 "I want to cunt punch that kid in the face." 1038 00:49:23,710 --> 00:49:26,129 Your mom, being disabled, saw a sick kid 1039 00:49:27,255 --> 00:49:31,510 and said, "I want to cunt punch that kid in the face." 1040 00:49:31,593 --> 00:49:33,220 The kid was in a wheelchair? 1041 00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:34,763 That's right at cunt height. 1042 00:49:35,263 --> 00:49:36,598 That's… 1043 00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:41,520 She also thinks that the children for St. Jude with cancer 1044 00:49:41,603 --> 00:49:42,479 are faking cancer. 1045 00:49:43,438 --> 00:49:45,148 She said they're faking it? 1046 00:49:45,899 --> 00:49:48,318 These kids should beat your mom's ass, man. 1047 00:49:49,569 --> 00:49:52,572 Yeah, now I want to see her and those kids go back and forth. 1048 00:49:52,656 --> 00:49:54,241 "I'm gonna cunt punch ya." 1049 00:49:55,701 --> 00:49:57,244 "Pry it open, bitch." 1050 00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:04,459 Yeah, how far is she fused? 1051 00:50:05,877 --> 00:50:06,920 Not enough. 1052 00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:08,088 Not enough. 1053 00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:10,340 That's pretty crazy. 1054 00:50:10,424 --> 00:50:13,301 It's just ironic that she herself is disabled. 1055 00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:17,264 Here's the thing. If she wasn't disabled, she'd be the worst person alive. 1056 00:50:18,807 --> 00:50:21,351 We actually sent in a donation on her behalf 1057 00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:23,895 so she gets the… she gets the blanket. 1058 00:50:29,484 --> 00:50:31,028 They fucking FDR'd her? 1059 00:50:32,529 --> 00:50:34,448 Just got the blanket over her? 1060 00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:35,615 Yep. 1061 00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:38,326 "Aw, it's a nice donation blanket." "It's fake." 1062 00:50:40,537 --> 00:50:42,080 This is a perfect example of like, 1063 00:50:42,164 --> 00:50:44,041 you know when somebody has a good sense of humor, 1064 00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:45,959 they've actually experienced life? 1065 00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:47,586 People who get offended by everything, 1066 00:50:47,669 --> 00:50:49,588 you can tell they haven't been through anything. 1067 00:50:49,671 --> 00:50:52,591 That's somebody who… who… who beat polio once, 1068 00:50:52,674 --> 00:50:54,009 lost the second time, 1069 00:50:55,510 --> 00:50:57,012 now has a good sense of humor about it. 1070 00:50:57,095 --> 00:50:59,139 We're all winning because of her sense of humor. 1071 00:50:59,222 --> 00:51:00,849 Exactly. You passed that down. 1072 00:51:00,932 --> 00:51:02,893 Passed on those good spirits. I like that. 1073 00:51:02,976 --> 00:51:05,353 I love your mom. Bring her next time. We'll get a fucking… 1074 00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:08,148 We'll… We'll get a fish tank up here or something. Whatever… 1075 00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,069 Whatever needs to be done. 1076 00:51:13,653 --> 00:51:15,363 Who else feels they contributed this year? 1077 00:51:16,198 --> 00:51:17,365 Santa hat right here? 1078 00:51:17,449 --> 00:51:18,950 I rescue donkeys. 1079 00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:20,702 You rescue donkeys? 1080 00:51:24,289 --> 00:51:25,415 From Mexico? 1081 00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:29,044 I'd hate to be a donkey rescue from Mexico, man. 1082 00:51:29,127 --> 00:51:31,797 "I was getting my dick sucked five nights a week." 1083 00:51:34,841 --> 00:51:37,469 "Now you… Now you got me on this fucking farm?" 1084 00:51:41,223 --> 00:51:43,016 Where do you rescue them from? 1085 00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:45,519 Wild burros, right by my house, in the desert. 1086 00:51:45,602 --> 00:51:47,646 Wild burros, like, they'll just be in the desert? 1087 00:51:47,729 --> 00:51:49,064 -Yeah. -No way. 1088 00:51:49,147 --> 00:51:50,398 Just wild out there, but then… 1089 00:51:50,482 --> 00:51:52,484 There's little babies out there. They get orphaned, 1090 00:51:52,567 --> 00:51:55,487 and then I take them into the wild burro rescue right by my house. 1091 00:51:55,570 --> 00:51:56,530 That's adorable. 1092 00:51:56,613 --> 00:51:58,698 I think rescuing is an absolute nice list. 1093 00:51:58,782 --> 00:52:00,325 My puppy is actually a rescue. 1094 00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:02,327 We got a little 10-month-old pit bull at home. 1095 00:52:02,410 --> 00:52:03,745 I love him so much. 1096 00:52:03,829 --> 00:52:06,456 I love him so much. His name is Hammer. 1097 00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:08,625 He's actually got a little stocking right here. 1098 00:52:09,251 --> 00:52:12,087 Dude, he's just the cutest little pit bull. I love him. 1099 00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:14,965 I hate that he's going to bite a kid someday, but… 1100 00:52:15,507 --> 00:52:16,800 That's what they do. 1101 00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:19,928 This was actually his first Halloween. We got him a little Michael Vick jersey. 1102 00:52:20,011 --> 00:52:23,306 I'm pretty excited about it. Yeah. Yeah. I think enough… 1103 00:52:23,932 --> 00:52:25,892 Maybe enough time has passed. 1104 00:52:27,060 --> 00:52:28,061 Let's do one more. 1105 00:52:28,145 --> 00:52:29,980 -Oh, right here? What's up, man? -Um… 1106 00:52:30,063 --> 00:52:31,731 -Man, I think, right? -Yes, sir. 1107 00:52:31,815 --> 00:52:32,858 Okay. 1108 00:52:33,358 --> 00:52:36,403 You could be a Mexican lesbian, for sure. Without a doubt. 1109 00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:39,531 Okay. 1110 00:52:42,868 --> 00:52:45,453 I know the people in the back can't see, but picture it. It's… 1111 00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:49,207 Whatever you're thinking, yes. 1112 00:52:52,043 --> 00:52:55,547 She, uh, helped a… about late eighties 1113 00:52:55,630 --> 00:52:59,176 um, early nineties, uh, old lady that was trying to hop on a horse. 1114 00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:02,846 Your girl helped a 90-year-old woman get on a horse. 1115 00:53:03,805 --> 00:53:06,308 It was her… It was her last, like, wish. 1116 00:53:06,808 --> 00:53:08,894 -It was her last wish. -Yes, so… 1117 00:53:08,977 --> 00:53:12,272 She… She passed away shortly after. 1118 00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:15,233 She passed away shortly after. How many minutes after… 1119 00:53:17,027 --> 00:53:18,236 …when you put 1120 00:53:18,945 --> 00:53:23,950 …this crotchety woman up on a wild beast? 1121 00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:26,786 So, like… So she… ah… 1122 00:53:26,870 --> 00:53:31,416 The person who run… who ran the, uh, care facility 1123 00:53:31,499 --> 00:53:33,001 was friends with someone that I knew. 1124 00:53:33,084 --> 00:53:35,128 And they said, "Michelle knows--" 1125 00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:36,504 And you work with horses? 1126 00:53:36,588 --> 00:53:39,132 Yes, I work with horses. She has a really nice horse. 1127 00:53:39,216 --> 00:53:41,343 She'll be able to ride it before she goes. 1128 00:53:41,426 --> 00:53:43,053 I know it's a nice thing to do, but it… 1129 00:53:43,136 --> 00:53:46,097 it's also second-degree murder, I'm pretty sure. 1130 00:53:47,098 --> 00:53:49,392 Well, you have several people with you. So it's not like-- 1131 00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:52,103 You don't want to laugh by yourself when she falls. That's good. 1132 00:53:52,687 --> 00:53:56,066 I used to do, uh, therapeutic riding with a lot of people, so you always-- 1133 00:53:56,149 --> 00:53:57,734 Therapeutic riding? What is that? 1134 00:53:57,817 --> 00:54:02,322 Uh, so like anyone who has, uh, MS or in a wheelchair, 1135 00:54:02,405 --> 00:54:04,699 you help them on a horse, and you can grip them. 1136 00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:06,493 You put people who have MS… 1137 00:54:06,576 --> 00:54:08,912 I put people who can't control anything on a horse. 1138 00:54:08,995 --> 00:54:12,666 You put paralyzed people up on horses. 1139 00:54:12,749 --> 00:54:15,126 Yes. Super irresponsible. 1140 00:54:15,210 --> 00:54:17,128 -You put anybody up there? -Anyone. 1141 00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:18,797 You gotta put her mom up there. 1142 00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:19,839 Just fucking… 1143 00:54:20,548 --> 00:54:22,759 Just… Just sleeping bag it. 1144 00:54:31,351 --> 00:54:34,187 That's pretty good. I'm gonna go… I'm gonna go nice list, even though… 1145 00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:37,482 You fucking… Come back next show, tell me something that went wrong, all right? 1146 00:54:37,983 --> 00:54:40,151 That has such good potential for naughty list. 1147 00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:44,572 Mm. No, but I do think the nice list is a very important part of the show, 1148 00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:46,574 'cause the world feels so fucking awful. 1149 00:54:46,658 --> 00:54:48,326 Doesn't it feel like people are assholes? 1150 00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:51,037 Like, every single day, the world is so negative. 1151 00:54:51,121 --> 00:54:52,622 It's really nice to go around the room 1152 00:54:52,706 --> 00:54:54,958 and shed light on good people doing good things for others. 1153 00:54:55,041 --> 00:54:56,793 And honestly, that's why I fucking love Tempe. 1154 00:54:56,876 --> 00:54:59,546 Why I wanted to come film a special here. I knew there was good people 1155 00:54:59,629 --> 00:55:01,131 who had a little Christmas spirit left. 1156 00:55:01,214 --> 00:55:03,550 So thank you for being a part of that, first and foremost. 1157 00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:13,101 Honestly, like, this is what Christmas is about. 1158 00:55:13,184 --> 00:55:16,688 It's about getting together with your loved ones, your friends, your families, 1159 00:55:16,771 --> 00:55:18,273 your… your… your colleagues, 1160 00:55:18,356 --> 00:55:21,234 and putting aside all the bullshit you've dealt with all year long 1161 00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:25,989 and just enjoying a holiday full of love, laughter, and joy. 1162 00:55:26,072 --> 00:55:28,867 I honestly hope this Christmas you find a reason to smile. 1163 00:55:28,950 --> 00:55:31,870 I hope you find a reason to make somebody else smile. 1164 00:55:31,953 --> 00:55:34,372 I hope you have half as much fun as I had filming this special. 1165 00:55:34,456 --> 00:55:35,749 Tempe, you are amazing. 1166 00:55:35,832 --> 00:55:38,710 I love you so much. Thank you for being my home for this special. 1167 00:55:38,793 --> 00:55:43,256 And to you at home, I love you, and I wish you a very Merry Christmas. 1168 00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:44,591 Thank you, everyone. 1169 00:57:57,390 --> 00:57:58,600 Sir, with the hand up. 1170 00:57:58,683 --> 00:58:00,310 I don't remember a gift I've given, 1171 00:58:00,393 --> 00:58:02,520 but I have one now that I would like to give. 1172 00:58:02,604 --> 00:58:03,855 You want to give me a gift? 1173 00:58:03,938 --> 00:58:05,648 Um, not necessarily. 1174 00:58:06,232 --> 00:58:07,233 Oh shit. 1175 00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:09,777 No way! 1176 00:58:10,653 --> 00:58:12,405 No way! 1177 00:58:14,032 --> 00:58:16,493 Oh my God. Say no! 1178 00:58:19,787 --> 00:58:20,997 Well, ask her. Be a man. 1179 00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,582 -Will you marry me? -Oh my God. 1180 00:58:22,665 --> 00:58:25,418 -Louder for the people in the back. -Will you marry me? 1181 00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:28,379 Congratulations!