1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:08,299 [muted upbeat music playing] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:15,598 [man] Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise for Michelle Wolf! 5 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,934 [crowd cheers and applauds] 6 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,025 [music plays loudly] 7 00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:36,286 -Thank you. -[music stops] 8 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:40,665 Thank you, guys. It's great to be here. 9 00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:44,335 I, um, actually haven't done a lot of stand-up this year. 10 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:48,715 I took the first seven months of the year off because I had a baby. 11 00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:51,051 [crowd cheers and applauds] 12 00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:53,845 It died. 13 00:00:53,928 --> 00:00:55,555 [light laughter] 14 00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:58,683 No, I'm kidding! The baby's fine! Guys, the baby's totally fine. 15 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,269 But here's what they don't tell you about having a baby. 16 00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:03,563 A lot harder to tell dead baby jokes… 17 00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,231 [laughter] 18 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,900 …after you've had a baby. 19 00:01:06,983 --> 00:01:08,735 No one warns you about that. 20 00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:10,612 They warn you about everything else. 21 00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:12,447 They say your body's going to change. 22 00:01:12,530 --> 00:01:14,032 You're never going to sleep. 23 00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:17,660 No one, not a single one of you, pulled me aside and was like, 24 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,205 "Hey, you know those dead baby jokes you love?" 25 00:01:20,288 --> 00:01:21,289 [laughter] 26 00:01:21,372 --> 00:01:24,876 "Well, they're going to be a lot harder when you have an alive baby." 27 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,419 [laughter] 28 00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:28,088 "Because you're going to feel." 29 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,547 [laughter] 30 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:32,717 "You're going to have a lot of regular bitch emotions." 31 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:35,512 "And you're going to want to recycle." 32 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,555 [laughter] 33 00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:40,391 Most of you didn't even like dead baby jokes to begin with. 34 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,393 They weren't for you. 35 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,229 [laughter] 36 00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,605 [light applause] 37 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:47,816 Look, the baby, she's doing great. 38 00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:50,527 She's doing really good. Know who else is doing good? 39 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,654 Me, thanks for not asking. 40 00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:54,948 [cheering and applause] 41 00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:57,450 You remember me? 42 00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:01,037 I'm the one who's almost always holding the baby. 43 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,497 [laughter] 44 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:05,625 And I do. I think one of the reasons I'm doing well is because 45 00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:08,378 I try to be the best mom that I can be. 46 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:14,801 I try to be a good example and a nice person and loving and caring. 47 00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:16,636 And I really try hard. 48 00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:19,597 But then I also still get to be a piece of shit on stage 49 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,558 who tells dead baby jokes. 50 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,852 [cheering and applause] 51 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:29,357 And I genuinely believe that's the balance every mother needs. 52 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,441 [laughter] 53 00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,861 Because you weren't always a good person. 54 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:36,698 Maybe the whole reason you have a baby is because you weren't a good person. 55 00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:38,366 [laughter] 56 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,328 But you're a mom now, you're a mom now. 57 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:46,207 But who you were before is still in there, it's still in there. 58 00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:49,669 And you've gotta get it out somewhere, or you're gonna put it in the baby. 59 00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:51,254 [laughter] 60 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,966 Don't worry, she's not even gonna hear these jokes. 61 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:58,344 She's never gonna hear these jokes because she's in the bottom of a well. 62 00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:00,305 [laughter] 63 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:06,060 I don't know, don't make them so perfectly baby-sized. 64 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:07,687 [laughter] 65 00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:15,862 She learned to crawl, she'll either learn to climb or she won't. 66 00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:17,488 [laughter] 67 00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:26,164 I do think being a mom has changed my perspective on a lot of things. 68 00:03:26,247 --> 00:03:28,583 Like, any gay men here? 69 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:30,710 [cheering] 70 00:03:31,669 --> 00:03:35,590 I've amassed quite a few gay male fans over the years. 71 00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:36,758 [laughter] 72 00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:41,095 I would like to say to you all, publicly now, we're through. 73 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,639 [laughter] 74 00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:44,807 Gay men, I'm not sure I like you guys anymore. 75 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,560 I'm mad at you. I'm mad at you. I'm mad at you. 76 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:51,481 When you say you're mad at gay men, gay men are like, "Sure you are, bitch." 77 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:52,649 [laughter] 78 00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:55,026 You like it, you love it. Oh my God, you're… 79 00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:56,569 [laughter] 80 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,821 You guys were… They were grasping each other. 81 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,866 Like, it was like, "We do, she hates us." 82 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,117 [laughter] 83 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:04,786 This is why I'm mad. 84 00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:06,829 Okay, so, gay guys, you wanted your rights. 85 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,624 That's not the part I'm mad about, that's fair. 86 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,294 You wanted rights, we wanted to help fight for your rights. 87 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:14,921 We wanted to help for two reasons. 88 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:17,799 One, because we thought equality was, like, a good thing. 89 00:04:17,882 --> 00:04:19,884 And two, you had a great slogan. 90 00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:21,719 Your slogan was, "Love is love." 91 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:25,556 And a lot of us, especially us white women, were like, "Oh my God." 92 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,268 [laughter and applause] 93 00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:29,435 "Yeah." 94 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,274 "That's, like, just what it is." 95 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:36,192 [laughter] 96 00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:41,739 You guys revamped "Live, laugh, love," and we needed that. 97 00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,324 [laughter] 98 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,535 [applause] 99 00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:54,210 So you guys wanted your rights, we helped you fight for them, and then you got them. 100 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:57,297 And gay men, let's admit it, you guys won, all right? 101 00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,674 Charlie, you got the chocolate factory. 102 00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:01,467 [laughter] 103 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:05,305 You got the chocolate factory, you turned it into a weird sex palace. 104 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:06,848 [laughter] 105 00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:09,892 The Oompa Loompas have very different jobs now. 106 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,644 [laughter] 107 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,855 They're not mad about it. 108 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:15,732 [laughter] 109 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:18,818 I'm not mad about any of those things. 110 00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,903 I'm happy all those things happened. 111 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:22,905 What I'm mad about is that women, 112 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:27,577 we started losing our rights, and all you gay guys were like, "Okay, bye." 113 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:29,412 [laughter] 114 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,249 "Sorry about all that abortion stuff." 115 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,128 "Maybe I'll take the baby." 116 00:05:37,211 --> 00:05:39,213 [laughter] 117 00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:47,597 "Is it going to be mixed? I would love if it were mixed." 118 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,515 [laughter] 119 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:03,780 I thought… I thought we were on a really good path towards equality. 120 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:08,576 And then, um, Netflix put that Jeffrey Dahmer documentary out, 121 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,829 and they put it under the LGBTQ category. 122 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,039 [laughter] 123 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:17,043 Which is fair, he was gay, you know. Not the headline of the story. 124 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,589 That wasn't the final episode, it wasn't like, 125 00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:23,883 "And can you believe it? Gay!" 126 00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:25,927 [laughter] 127 00:06:31,974 --> 00:06:35,186 So Netflix puts it under the LGBTQ category, 128 00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:37,230 and then a lot of people got angry. 129 00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:40,650 So Netflix took it out of the LGBTQ category, 130 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,485 and that made me really angry, 131 00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:45,571 because you don't just get the good gays. 132 00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,615 [laughter] 133 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:53,287 You gotta take all the gays. 134 00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:55,039 [laughter] 135 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:59,961 Yeah, sure, sometimes you're Elton John, and that's great. 136 00:07:00,044 --> 00:07:02,046 And other times you eat people. 137 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:03,923 [laughter] 138 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,178 Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. 139 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,181 I'm a white woman. We don't just get the good white women. 140 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,641 [laughter] 141 00:07:13,724 --> 00:07:16,269 You know, sometimes we're Ruth Bader Ginsburg… 142 00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:19,147 [cheering and applause] 143 00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:24,861 and other times, we're the rest of the white women. 144 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:27,488 [laughter and applause] 145 00:07:31,909 --> 00:07:35,455 Honestly, I thought the whole thing should make gay men feel more equal. 146 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:36,873 It's like, look at gay guys. 147 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,626 They can lure people back to their homes, murder and eat them too. 148 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:41,752 [laughter] 149 00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:43,463 They're just like straight men. 150 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:45,339 [laughter] 151 00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:50,928 [cheering] 152 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:55,016 I really… We did… We lost abortion this year. 153 00:07:55,099 --> 00:07:58,144 I don't know where it went. Oh, it's probably in the alley. Uh… 154 00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:00,271 [gasps and laughter] 155 00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:01,355 Oh. 156 00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,566 [applause] 157 00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:08,196 Could be worse, could be in the well. Uh… 158 00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:09,822 [laughter] 159 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,367 And we lost abortion. 160 00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:15,203 They overturned Roe v. Wade. 161 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:18,831 And my problem with the abortion debate for the last several years 162 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,666 actually hasn't been with Republicans. 163 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:23,836 Republicans have been very clear about what they've wanted, okay? 164 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,713 Republicans, love or hate Republicans, 165 00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:28,299 you've got to admit, those guys are planners. 166 00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:32,678 They see a problem, and they will chisel away at it until it's a swastika. 167 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:35,097 [laughter] 168 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,892 [applause and cheering] 169 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:45,399 They've been trying to overturn Roe v. Wade since it became a thing. 170 00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:48,236 They've been playing the short game, the long game, 171 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:49,904 and they finally got it done. 172 00:08:49,987 --> 00:08:52,198 Now Democrats, Democrats also had a strategy 173 00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:54,575 to make sure Roe v. Wade wouldn't be overturned. 174 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:58,454 And Democrats' strategy was, "Don't worry, it's not going to happen." 175 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,456 [laughter] 176 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:04,043 Democrats' strategy is the same reason you need an abortion. 177 00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:05,920 [laughter] 178 00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:10,049 [cheering and applause] 179 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,763 "Don't worry, baby, it's not going to happen." 180 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:21,310 Democrats are very frustrating, 181 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,855 because they're the least effective group of people I've ever met. 182 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,023 [laughter] 183 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,568 It's like everyone else is running a regular race, 184 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:31,237 and Democrats are like, "Let's go three-legged." 185 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,197 [laughter] 186 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,533 And everyone's like, "No, we'll just run regular." 187 00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:38,369 And they're like, "Well, we're in this together, so…" 188 00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:40,246 [laughter] 189 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,501 It's frustrating because they have a lot of good ideas. 190 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,254 They talk about a lot of things that sound really good, 191 00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,840 they just can't get anything done. 192 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:55,761 They can't… They don't plan for any obstacles or problems. 193 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:58,097 They just… And they can't get anything done. 194 00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,807 Know what Democrats remind me of? 195 00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:03,185 Democrats remind me of that old guy who started Jurassic Park. 196 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,187 [laughter] 197 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:09,358 Because I think we can all agree, a dinosaur park is a fantastic idea. 198 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,985 [laughter] 199 00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,195 We would all love a dinosaur park. 200 00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:17,283 We would love that. But this guy didn't plan for anything. 201 00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,910 He wasn't like, "What if there's a storm… 202 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,912 [laughter] 203 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,960 …on my dinosaur island in the middle of the ocean?" 204 00:10:31,839 --> 00:10:35,509 I'm not saying I would necessarily ever vote Republican. 205 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:38,554 But I would definitely pick one to run Jurassic Park. 206 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,598 [laughter] 207 00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:43,643 They would have kept the dinosaurs very separated. 208 00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:45,686 [laughter] 209 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,318 And, if you remember this, one of the fatal flaws was 210 00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:54,487 all the dinosaurs were supposed to be female. 211 00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:56,822 They weren't supposed to be able to have babies. 212 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:59,784 But then somehow, they ended up having babies. 213 00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,203 Republicans wouldn't let this happen. 214 00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:03,829 [laughter] 215 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,625 They'd be like, "These lesbian dinosaurs can't have kids." 216 00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:09,418 [laughter] 217 00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:12,463 Isn't Jurassic Park so much more terrifying 218 00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:15,383 when you think of it as a lesbian dinosaur island? 219 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,259 [laughter] 220 00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:23,974 You're like, "I wanna go, I just feel like there's going to be a lot of rules." 221 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,935 [laughter] 222 00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:36,487 Republicans, also very good, they're very good at naming things. 223 00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:37,738 They got "pro-life." 224 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:41,075 I think we can all agree, "pro-life" is great. That's fantastic. 225 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:44,870 "Pro-choice…" "Pro-choice" is so dumb. It just sounds bad. 226 00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:48,290 You just sound like an annoying girl who can't decide what to order. 227 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,876 You're like, "What are you gonna get? Mmm." 228 00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:54,964 Pro-life is great. Pro-life is good. 229 00:11:55,047 --> 00:12:00,010 And we can all agree, we're all pro-life most of the day. 230 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:04,098 -[laughter] -All of us like life most of the day. 231 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,559 There's a solid 95% of the day. 232 00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:10,688 There's 5% of the day where we're like, "I don't know about life. This is…" 233 00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:18,529 But we also know that Republicans are only, like, pro-life technically. 234 00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:20,239 You know? Like, not in practice. 235 00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:23,576 If they were actually pro-life, they'd care about things like, you know, 236 00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:27,204 healthcare and education and gun safety, and… 237 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:29,540 [cheering and applause] 238 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:35,463 You know, they'd care about things like trees. [chuckles] 239 00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:36,714 [laughter] 240 00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:40,676 They wouldn't be like, "Who needs clean water? You can just drink oil." 241 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,052 [laughter] 242 00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:44,054 I don't have oil either. 243 00:12:47,057 --> 00:12:50,352 So they're technically pro-life, you know? 244 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:54,023 It's kind of like if a pedophile called themselves "pro-child". 245 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,025 [laughter] 246 00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,404 It is technically true. 247 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,242 Super pro-child. 248 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,080 I'm going to let you guys sit in that. 249 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:11,749 [laughter] 250 00:13:15,711 --> 00:13:19,757 Is there anything more mom than drinking a warm beverage that's cold? 251 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,801 -[laughter] -[person] Whoo! 252 00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:31,769 So now we're living in a world where we have to have all the babies, right? 253 00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:33,395 We have to have all the babies. 254 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:36,524 So you'd hope they'd create some sort of infrastructure for us. 255 00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:40,653 Because it's not just one person having a baby. 256 00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:43,864 It's like we're collectively having the future, 257 00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:46,325 and we should care about that, 258 00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:50,162 because, you know, I don't think right now is going too great. 259 00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:56,377 So maybe we should just, with the future, I don't know, try something different. 260 00:13:57,545 --> 00:14:00,798 You know? And you'd hope there'd be some infrastructure. 261 00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:02,967 Things like healthcare and education. 262 00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,594 But also like, you know, caring about moms. 263 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,221 You know, remember them? 264 00:14:07,304 --> 00:14:09,807 -Uh… -[cheering and applause] 265 00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:13,143 Yeah, not everyone's even clapping. That's great. 266 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:15,354 -Uh… -[laughter] 267 00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:18,315 Feels fair. You're probably like, "I'm annoyed at my mom." 268 00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:19,817 -Uh… -[laughter] 269 00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,402 "I don't care that she made me, 270 00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:24,530 she called three times today about her password." 271 00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,615 -And… -[laughter] 272 00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,329 We should… We should, you know? Like… 273 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,915 Hopefully we get to a place where we can, like, 274 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:36,500 you know, give like… 275 00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:38,794 have things like maternity care, 276 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,796 and lactation support, 277 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,175 -and paid leave, and… -[cheering and applause] 278 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:50,472 You know, pretend to give a fuck about women just, like, a little bit. 279 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:51,849 Just like, uh… 280 00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:55,185 one or two centimeters dilated amount. 281 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,479 [laughter] 282 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,523 And hopefully that all does happen. 283 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,735 But unfortunately, all those things are long-term goals. 284 00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:05,362 I do think there's something we can do in the short term, 285 00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,364 something we can do for women right now 286 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:10,284 that will almost immediately change things for the better. 287 00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:14,788 And that is, you can make us clothes that have some fucking pockets. 288 00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:16,790 [cheering and applause] 289 00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:24,298 I don't know who told you we don't want pockets, 290 00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,425 but she's a lying bitch. 291 00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:27,968 [laughter] 292 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,804 We want pockets. I bought a blazer the other day. 293 00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:34,099 I thought it had pockets. It looked like it had pockets. 294 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:37,269 They were false pockets. I was furious. 295 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,439 It's decorative fruit all over again. 296 00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:41,982 [laughter] 297 00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,819 Don't put grapes in front of me that I can't eat. 298 00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:47,321 [laughter] 299 00:15:47,404 --> 00:15:49,156 And men, you're riddled with pockets. 300 00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:51,700 You're lousy with pockets. You've got them everywhere. 301 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,161 Your pants are looser, so your pockets are bigger. 302 00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:58,123 You got pockets in your shirts. You got pockets all over your jackets. You've got… 303 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:01,961 You have so many pockets, you have a pocket for decorative fabric. 304 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,337 [laughter] 305 00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,047 And you have big hands. 306 00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:08,133 Men, you have objectively larger hands. 307 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:10,260 And you're only carrying one thing. 308 00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:14,348 We asked you to get two things, but you couldn't find the second thing. 309 00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:16,016 [laughter] 310 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,769 Even though it's exactly where we said it was. 311 00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:24,608 And then meanwhile, us women, we have very few pockets. 312 00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:27,486 And we have these little hands. We have small, little hands 313 00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:30,197 that you like, because it makes your penis look bigger. 314 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,407 We have… 315 00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,450 [laughter] 316 00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:37,329 …these tiny little hands, and we're carrying so many things. 317 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:40,124 We have our keys and the coffee and a phone 318 00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:42,751 and the emotions of the entire family. 319 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,670 [laughter] 320 00:16:46,296 --> 00:16:48,549 I know what you're thinking. "What about your purse?" 321 00:16:48,632 --> 00:16:50,676 Okay, first of all, our purse is full. 322 00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:52,344 [laughter] 323 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:56,265 Second, we're not allowed to take our purse everywhere anymore 324 00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:59,685 because all you men were bringing guns places. 325 00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:01,979 [cheering and applause] 326 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:05,941 And for some reason that means 327 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:09,695 we're not allowed to bring our purse everywhere, which is crazy, 328 00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:12,573 because we weren't hiding your stupid gun in our purse. 329 00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:13,866 [laughter] 330 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:17,411 If we were, a lot of those shootings never would have happened. 331 00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:19,496 [cheering and applause] 332 00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:26,003 We would have been like, "Okay, hold on. I'm looking." 333 00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:27,963 [laughing] 334 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:34,970 "Here, you want this? It's an unwrapped tampon." 335 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,430 [laughter] 336 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:39,141 "Well, I don't know. You think they're very scary." 337 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,101 [laughter] 338 00:17:42,352 --> 00:17:43,604 "How about a snack?" 339 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:48,108 "You might not want to shoot so many people after you've had a snack." 340 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,902 [laughter] 341 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,989 [cheering and applause] 342 00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:04,833 There's a lot. There's so much for women to take care of and do. 343 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,377 There's just… And I also worry. 344 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:11,507 I worry because I don't think there's a lot of good female role models. 345 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,426 I have a daughter, and I want her to have female role models. 346 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:15,886 I'm not going to be one. 347 00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:18,138 -Uh… -[laughter] 348 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,933 And there's not a lot of women to look up to 349 00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:25,145 because we don't highlight women who accomplish things, you know? 350 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,856 I said this joke the other day, and some guy was like, 351 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,525 "What about Eleanor Roosevelt?" 352 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,568 And I was like, "She's so dead." 353 00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:33,529 [laughter] 354 00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,533 Like, she's been so dead. 355 00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:38,992 [laughter] 356 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,578 And also, you know, what did she really do? 357 00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,413 [laughter] 358 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:46,625 You know, couldn't even say she was a lesbian. 359 00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:48,710 -Uh… -[laughter] 360 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,386 There's not a lot of female role models. 361 00:18:57,469 --> 00:18:59,596 I personally love Martha Stewart. 362 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,890 Martha Stewart is 81 years old. 363 00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:04,226 -And she's… -[cheering and applause] 364 00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:07,020 She's 81 years old, and she's a billionaire businesswoman. 365 00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:08,480 And then also recently, 366 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,608 she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. 367 00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:12,860 [cheering] 368 00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:16,029 Yeah, and see, this is the entire problem. 369 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:21,160 I said she was an 81-year-old billionaire businesswoman, and none of you clapped. 370 00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:26,081 And then I said she posed in a swimsuit, and everyone got very excited. 371 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,291 [laughter] 372 00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:30,544 She's an 81-year-old billionaire businesswoman. 373 00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:32,880 -[cheering] -No no! No no no! 374 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,299 You've lost your wooing privileges. 375 00:19:35,382 --> 00:19:36,717 [laughter] 376 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,553 As soon as she's on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit, 377 00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,139 everyone's like, "Is 81 the new 21?" 378 00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:44,683 And it's like, first of all, God, I hope not. 379 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,602 [laughter] 380 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:49,229 But also, that's not the significant thing. 381 00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:54,484 The significant thing is that she's an incredible, talented businesswoman. 382 00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:59,114 But no one cares until she puts on a swimsuit and lays down on a couch, 383 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:03,160 which… Anyone can look good in a still photo in a swimsuit. 384 00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:05,746 You know what, I need that cover to be a live photo. 385 00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:08,916 I'm going to need to be able to press on the cover of that photo 386 00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,418 and see you get up from that couch. 387 00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:13,503 [laughter] 388 00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:17,799 But I think this is what happened. 389 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:20,260 I think people saw an old woman who does crafts 390 00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:22,387 on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit, 391 00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,806 and they were like, "Oh, maybe that means me, 392 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,142 a younger woman who also does crafts, 393 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:30,729 could someday be on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit." 394 00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:33,774 And here's the thing you must remember. 395 00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,944 Martha Stewart is extraordinary. 396 00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:38,445 You aren't. 397 00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:40,447 [laughter] 398 00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:47,579 Martha Stewart is an incredible, talented, hard-working woman. 399 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,706 She started her career as a model. 400 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,667 She started as a model. 401 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:54,544 But she's very smart. She knew that wasn't gonna last forever. 402 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:57,714 And she was like, "Okay, well, everyone eats and has a house." 403 00:20:57,798 --> 00:20:59,549 -"So… -[laughter] 404 00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:03,428 …I'm going to get into the eating-and-having-a-house business." 405 00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:06,139 And she did, and she made millions of dollars. 406 00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,725 And then she went to jail for a little bit of time. 407 00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:10,394 [laughter] 408 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:15,232 And then she got out and she made hundreds of millions more. 409 00:21:15,315 --> 00:21:18,944 And now she's just dipping her toe back in the modeling world. 410 00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:22,698 She's incredible, she's talented, she's hard-working. 411 00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:25,117 You have a little bit of a mustache. 412 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,868 [laughter] 413 00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:29,621 But this is the thing, I think. 414 00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:33,375 People, I think, undersell talent and hard work these days. 415 00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:37,212 We undersell it because we see everybody doing everything on social media. 416 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:39,172 And I say "we" because I do it too. 417 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:43,218 We scroll through it all day, and people are being kind of shitty at everything. 418 00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:47,514 You know, like doing stupid lip syncs, or those dumb TikTok dances. 419 00:21:47,597 --> 00:21:50,475 You know, the ones that are like… [humming] 420 00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:55,647 Then you see that dance and you think, "Oh my gosh, I think I can do that dance." 421 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:58,483 Yeah, of course you can. It's a bad dance. 422 00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:00,319 [laughter] 423 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,946 It's a bad dance that doesn't take any skill. 424 00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:07,284 All those people that do TikTok dances, they look like they're not good at sex. 425 00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:09,494 [laughter] 426 00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:12,789 They all look like people who give up in the middle of a blowjob. 427 00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:14,541 [laughter] 428 00:22:15,542 --> 00:22:17,210 Know what Martha Stewart looks like? 429 00:22:17,294 --> 00:22:20,047 Martha Stewart looks like she decides when you come. 430 00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:21,590 [laughter] 431 00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:23,800 [cheering] 432 00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:32,225 I'm sure Martha Stewart hasn't finished blowjobs, 433 00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:35,312 but not because she couldn't, it's because you weren't ready. 434 00:22:35,395 --> 00:22:37,314 [laughter] 435 00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:47,657 The other reason I think people got excited 436 00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:50,827 when they saw Martha Stewart on the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit 437 00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:52,704 is because she's an older woman. 438 00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:56,291 And it goes back to all this body positivity stuff, where they're like, 439 00:22:56,375 --> 00:23:00,003 "See, look, old women can wear swimsuits too." 440 00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:04,299 And it's like, "Uh… First of all, you didn't know that?" 441 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:05,926 [laughter] 442 00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:08,387 "Have you not been to the gym in the morning?" 443 00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:10,347 [laughter] 444 00:23:10,430 --> 00:23:14,059 If you've been to the gym in the morning, you know old women can wear swimsuits, 445 00:23:14,142 --> 00:23:16,603 and they can also definitely not wear swimsuits. 446 00:23:16,686 --> 00:23:18,397 [laughter] 447 00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:21,191 Just right in front of you too. 448 00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:23,693 You can just be like, "Hey, can I help you?" 449 00:23:23,777 --> 00:23:25,612 She'll be like, "No, I'm doing good." 450 00:23:25,695 --> 00:23:29,616 I'm like, "Okay, because we're just the only two people in the locker room." 451 00:23:29,699 --> 00:23:31,451 -"Uh…" -[laughter] 452 00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:33,245 "There's just so many other benches." 453 00:23:33,328 --> 00:23:35,247 [laughter] 454 00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:40,168 Like… 455 00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:44,714 I can't smell chlorine and not picture a naked old lady. 456 00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:46,758 [laughter] 457 00:23:51,054 --> 00:23:54,558 People got excited about Martha Stewart being on the cover of Sports Illustrated 458 00:23:54,641 --> 00:23:56,893 because it's all this body positivity stuff. 459 00:23:56,977 --> 00:24:00,480 And I personally have always hated the body positivity movement. 460 00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:04,234 Yeah, I hate it. I don't believe you guys. I don't believe you guys at all. 461 00:24:04,317 --> 00:24:05,986 You're always like, "No, no, 462 00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:08,697 I love my thighs and my cellulite 463 00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:12,617 and the way my legs fit into my foot with no real ankle." 464 00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:14,536 [laughter] 465 00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:18,540 Know what you sound like? You sound like a closeted gay guy 466 00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:20,750 trying to convince people he likes vaginas. 467 00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,544 [laughter] 468 00:24:22,627 --> 00:24:26,339 Like, "No, I love a vulva and a labia 469 00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:28,425 and the way if you turn your head to the side 470 00:24:28,508 --> 00:24:32,637 and squeeze the lips together, it's like you're having a little conversation." 471 00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:34,931 [laughter] 472 00:24:35,015 --> 00:24:37,058 [in masculine voice] "Hey, how are you?" 473 00:24:38,059 --> 00:24:39,102 "I'm good." 474 00:24:39,186 --> 00:24:40,353 [laughter] 475 00:24:40,437 --> 00:24:42,314 "Maybe tonight we just talk." 476 00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:43,982 [laughter] 477 00:24:44,065 --> 00:24:45,775 "We can share some secrets." 478 00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:47,569 [laughter] 479 00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:51,198 Is it just me or the more I do that, the more it looks like it might feel good? 480 00:24:51,281 --> 00:24:52,365 I don't know. Guys… 481 00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:54,201 [laughter] 482 00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:56,578 That's for a different show. I'm a mom now. 483 00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:57,954 [light laughter] 484 00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:04,628 So there was the… there was the body positivity movement, 485 00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:06,880 and then another movement that came after it. 486 00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:09,132 It didn't last very long because it was so dumb. 487 00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:11,885 It was even worse. It was called body neutrality. 488 00:25:11,968 --> 00:25:15,972 This movement was, some people came over from body positivity and they were like, 489 00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:18,350 "Okay, you're right, I don't love my body." 490 00:25:18,850 --> 00:25:21,353 "But I do appreciate that it works." 491 00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:22,812 [light laughter] 492 00:25:22,896 --> 00:25:25,440 And I'm like, "All right, guys, um…" 493 00:25:27,025 --> 00:25:28,860 "We're working too hard here, okay?" 494 00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,322 Do you want to know the secret? Here's the secret. 495 00:25:32,405 --> 00:25:34,449 Just hate your body. 496 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,785 Hate your body and be free! 497 00:25:36,868 --> 00:25:38,286 [laughter] 498 00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:42,165 I don't care if you're fat, skinny, in shape, out of shape. 499 00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:45,335 Just hate your body because it's gross. 500 00:25:45,418 --> 00:25:47,671 We're all gross. 501 00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:50,757 We're all animals who don't have fur. 502 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:52,175 It's weird. 503 00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:54,261 [laughter] 504 00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:56,346 [cheering and applause] 505 00:25:57,514 --> 00:26:00,433 You've seen hairless cats. That's who we are. 506 00:26:01,393 --> 00:26:04,980 We're all just hairless cats walking around on our hind legs, 507 00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:06,481 pretending that's okay. 508 00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:08,066 [laughter] 509 00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:11,736 Just hate your body and be free. 510 00:26:12,862 --> 00:26:16,908 And if you want to look nice… If you want to look nice, you should look nice. 511 00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,828 You should try, you know? Like, you should get dressed up. 512 00:26:19,911 --> 00:26:21,913 But look in the mirror before you leave. 513 00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:25,333 Look in the mirror and still find at least one thing that makes you go… 514 00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:26,459 [mimics groans] 515 00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:27,794 [laughter] 516 00:26:27,877 --> 00:26:29,462 And then leave anyway! 517 00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:32,090 Leave anyway and go have a good time with your friends 518 00:26:32,173 --> 00:26:33,842 who also hate their bodies. 519 00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,136 [cheering and applause] 520 00:26:39,639 --> 00:26:42,684 And we all know if any of your friends don't hate their bodies, 521 00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:45,645 if your friends like their bodies, they're not your real friends 522 00:26:45,729 --> 00:26:48,565 because they have a terrible personality. 523 00:26:48,648 --> 00:26:50,275 [laughter] 524 00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:56,740 Like, do you think I leave the house every day and think my hair looks great? 525 00:26:57,699 --> 00:27:00,035 Listen, my hair's doing the best it can. 526 00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:04,956 My hair is the same as, like, a stupid kid, you know? 527 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:08,460 Like, you ask the mom, you're like, "How's Max doing in math?" 528 00:27:08,543 --> 00:27:10,462 And you're like, "The best he can." 529 00:27:10,545 --> 00:27:12,255 [laughter] 530 00:27:17,469 --> 00:27:20,305 I just hate, I hate all the body positivities. 531 00:27:20,388 --> 00:27:23,224 I hate all of it because we try so hard. 532 00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:25,435 Women are always trying so hard to look good, 533 00:27:25,518 --> 00:27:27,896 and it's such a fucking waste of time. 534 00:27:27,979 --> 00:27:31,566 And then drag queens, you come along, you're not helping us out at all. 535 00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:32,901 [laughter] 536 00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:34,986 [applause and cheering] 537 00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:38,323 You're putting in so much effort, it's crazy. 538 00:27:38,948 --> 00:27:42,577 Like, I see drag queens where I'm like, "How did you make those eyelashes?" 539 00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:44,871 They're like, "Oh, I weaved three together." 540 00:27:44,954 --> 00:27:47,457 And I'm like, "You gotta stop, that's crazy." 541 00:27:48,249 --> 00:27:50,001 You can't give us more work to do. 542 00:27:50,085 --> 00:27:51,419 This is crazy. 543 00:27:51,503 --> 00:27:53,171 [laughter] 544 00:27:53,254 --> 00:27:56,966 I'm mad at drag queens. I'm also mad at drag queens. This is why I'm mad. 545 00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:59,010 You guys, you guys get all dressed up, 546 00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:02,263 and everyone's like, "Ooh, she's fierce and fabulous." 547 00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:05,266 Then women, we get all dressed up, and everyone's like, 548 00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:07,268 "Ooh, she's difficult." 549 00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:08,978 [laughter] 550 00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:12,732 [cheering] 551 00:28:13,566 --> 00:28:16,611 Yeah. Feels like there's a bunch of double standards. 552 00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:19,823 Like, a couple years ago at the Met Gala, 553 00:28:19,906 --> 00:28:22,325 which is like Vogue's big fashion event, 554 00:28:22,409 --> 00:28:24,703 all these celebrities come, they dress up in gowns. 555 00:28:24,786 --> 00:28:28,206 And this one year, Blake Lively was wearing this really beautiful gown, 556 00:28:28,289 --> 00:28:30,542 and she ascended the stairs to the Met Gala, 557 00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,544 and then a bunch of men surrounded her 558 00:28:32,627 --> 00:28:37,465 and unfurled her dress, and it splayed down the stairs and it changed colors, 559 00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:39,551 and it was this big, like, wow moment. 560 00:28:39,634 --> 00:28:41,553 And it did, it looked very, very cool. 561 00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:44,556 And then I saw online, all these people were like, 562 00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:48,810 "Um, drag queens have been doing that move for years." 563 00:28:48,893 --> 00:28:50,103 [laughter] 564 00:28:50,186 --> 00:28:52,522 "She stole this from them." 565 00:28:52,605 --> 00:28:55,316 It's like, "All right, you wanna point fingers, buddy?" 566 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,027 "You stole the whole dress thing from us." 567 00:28:58,111 --> 00:28:59,404 [laughter] 568 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:01,990 "Where you wanna start?" 569 00:29:02,073 --> 00:29:03,908 [laughter] 570 00:29:05,285 --> 00:29:07,287 It's like if they found diamonds in the Congo 571 00:29:07,370 --> 00:29:09,914 and Belgium was like, "Hey, that's our thing!" 572 00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:11,291 [laughter] 573 00:29:11,374 --> 00:29:13,626 Yeah, I thought I'd lighten up a drag queen joke 574 00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:15,462 with a joke about colonization. 575 00:29:15,545 --> 00:29:16,713 [laughter] 576 00:29:16,796 --> 00:29:18,798 [applause and cheering] 577 00:29:23,803 --> 00:29:26,389 Back the real problem… drag queens! 578 00:29:26,473 --> 00:29:28,099 [laughter] 579 00:29:28,892 --> 00:29:30,894 [person claps] 580 00:29:30,977 --> 00:29:35,148 Like, this year for Pride Month, uh… Target, they made these swimsuits, 581 00:29:35,231 --> 00:29:36,649 they were for women, 582 00:29:36,733 --> 00:29:38,985 and they had a place to tuck your penis. 583 00:29:39,068 --> 00:29:43,615 And I'm not mad that that swimsuit exists. I'm just wondering, 584 00:29:43,698 --> 00:29:45,658 can we use that as a pocket? 585 00:29:45,742 --> 00:29:47,660 [laughter] 586 00:29:49,245 --> 00:29:51,414 [applauding and cheering] 587 00:29:55,877 --> 00:29:59,464 Maybe we can have a place to tuck our penis, like, right here? 588 00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:01,257 [laughter] 589 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:05,428 And I don't know if you know this, 590 00:30:05,512 --> 00:30:10,016 a lot of our penises are the same size and shape as a phone, so… 591 00:30:10,099 --> 00:30:11,726 [laughter] 592 00:30:13,728 --> 00:30:16,189 And you never know if we'll have a right or left penis, 593 00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:18,691 so you might as well just put two pockets. 594 00:30:18,775 --> 00:30:20,193 [laughter] 595 00:30:23,196 --> 00:30:25,281 [applause and cheering] 596 00:30:31,246 --> 00:30:34,123 I guess a lot of people are mad at drag queens 597 00:30:34,207 --> 00:30:37,377 because, um, they're reading to children. 598 00:30:37,460 --> 00:30:40,880 I wanna be very clear, that's not why I'm mad at drag queens. Um… 599 00:30:40,964 --> 00:30:44,717 I'm not mad about that, and I also just don't believe it's happening, 600 00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:48,388 because I don't think those two people are awake at the same times. 601 00:30:54,727 --> 00:30:57,772 That's like seeing a vampire and a rooster together. 602 00:31:02,777 --> 00:31:05,905 Oddly enough, in this example, vampire are children, 603 00:31:05,989 --> 00:31:07,782 and roosters are drag queens, 604 00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:10,201 because cocks… You get it. 605 00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:12,120 [laughter] 606 00:31:12,954 --> 00:31:15,498 I don't need to explain that to you. You're very smart. 607 00:31:15,582 --> 00:31:16,666 [laughter] 608 00:31:21,379 --> 00:31:24,424 But, you know, like now, I just think a bit differently 609 00:31:24,507 --> 00:31:26,509 about a lot of things now that I have a baby. 610 00:31:26,593 --> 00:31:29,679 And I'm a little bit of an older mom. 611 00:31:29,762 --> 00:31:33,182 I found out I was pregnant when I was 37, so I'm like an old mom. 612 00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:35,351 I'm a young dad, but I'm an old mom. 613 00:31:35,435 --> 00:31:37,103 [laughter] 614 00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:39,981 [cheering and applauding] 615 00:31:41,941 --> 00:31:45,945 And 37 is too old to decide if you wanna have a baby, 616 00:31:46,029 --> 00:31:48,406 you know, because you know how good life can be. 617 00:31:48,489 --> 00:31:49,949 [laughter] 618 00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:51,618 I think everyone should decide… 619 00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:54,829 Everyone should decide or have a baby in their young twenties. 620 00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:57,832 Like in your young twenties, before you have any money, 621 00:31:57,916 --> 00:31:59,334 you don't know who you are, 622 00:31:59,417 --> 00:32:02,295 you're still trying to figure stuff out, every day's a struggle, 623 00:32:02,378 --> 00:32:05,965 and then you see that little baby smile, and it just gets you through. 624 00:32:06,049 --> 00:32:07,550 [light laughter] 625 00:32:07,634 --> 00:32:10,094 I was 37 and successful. 626 00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:12,096 [laughter] 627 00:32:13,181 --> 00:32:15,642 Like, I've been on private jets. 628 00:32:15,725 --> 00:32:17,226 [laughter] 629 00:32:18,102 --> 00:32:22,148 There's no baby smile that's better than skipping the TSA. 630 00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:24,067 [laughter] 631 00:32:24,150 --> 00:32:26,402 [cheering and applause] 632 00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,455 [laughter] 633 00:32:38,665 --> 00:32:42,377 And I wasn't sure, you know, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby. 634 00:32:42,460 --> 00:32:46,255 I think there's, like, um… There's like a bunch of different types of women. 635 00:32:46,339 --> 00:32:48,424 I don't know if you know that. Uh, there's… 636 00:32:48,508 --> 00:32:49,509 [laughter] 637 00:32:49,592 --> 00:32:52,178 There's not just one kind. Uh… 638 00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:55,890 And like, there's, um, there's women who know they definitely wanna have babies, 639 00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:59,852 and there's women who know they definitely don't want to have babies. And there's… 640 00:32:59,936 --> 00:33:01,104 [cheering] 641 00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:05,191 And then there's women who would love to have babies, but who are struggling. 642 00:33:05,274 --> 00:33:08,069 And then there's this other group that I found myself in, 643 00:33:08,152 --> 00:33:11,781 that's like the women who are like, "I don't know." 644 00:33:11,864 --> 00:33:13,825 [laughter] 645 00:33:13,908 --> 00:33:15,743 And that's when you don't know. 646 00:33:15,827 --> 00:33:17,036 Uh… 647 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:20,707 And you either decide to have a baby, or you run out the clock. 648 00:33:20,790 --> 00:33:22,792 [laughter] 649 00:33:22,875 --> 00:33:26,754 And so I decided to have a baby. I was like, "Let's roll the dice on this." 650 00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:29,507 And a baby's a wild thing to roll the dice on. 651 00:33:29,590 --> 00:33:30,800 [laughter] 652 00:33:30,883 --> 00:33:34,053 You know, it's like, "I don't know, maybe I can ruin both of our lives." 653 00:33:34,137 --> 00:33:35,972 [laughter] 654 00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:40,727 "Maybe I can start some generational trauma." 655 00:33:40,810 --> 00:33:42,687 [laughter] 656 00:33:42,770 --> 00:33:44,522 [light applause] 657 00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,734 "Give you something to pass on to your daughter." 658 00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:49,527 [laughter] 659 00:33:54,907 --> 00:33:58,369 And once I decided to have a baby, it's not like that went away, you know? 660 00:33:58,453 --> 00:34:01,372 It's not like all of a sudden I decided, "I'm gonna have a baby," 661 00:34:01,456 --> 00:34:04,667 and then I was always like, "I'm excited, let's do all the things." 662 00:34:04,751 --> 00:34:06,711 I was still like, "I don't know." 663 00:34:06,794 --> 00:34:08,337 [laughter] 664 00:34:08,421 --> 00:34:11,299 I just kept getting more and more pregnant and being like… 665 00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:14,135 [laughter] 666 00:34:18,681 --> 00:34:19,766 And, uh… 667 00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:23,436 And, like, I had a little bit of a hard time with it, because I also, like… 668 00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:26,147 I have older friends who have older kids. 669 00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:28,733 Those aren't people you should ask their opinions about 670 00:34:28,816 --> 00:34:30,651 if you should have a baby or not. 671 00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:34,322 You need to ask other people who also have babies, because they'll be like, 672 00:34:34,405 --> 00:34:37,784 "No, you have a baby too, and we'll be in it together," you know? 673 00:34:37,867 --> 00:34:41,037 "In the good times and the bad, but we'll raise our kids together." 674 00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:43,498 I have older friends who have older kids, 675 00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:45,917 and you ask them about having kids, they'll be like, 676 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:48,544 "Oh my gosh, I love my family more than anything." 677 00:34:49,212 --> 00:34:51,172 "Also, today I was on the way to Target, 678 00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,549 and I was just thinking about never going home." 679 00:34:53,633 --> 00:34:55,301 [laughter] 680 00:34:56,552 --> 00:34:58,513 [applause] 681 00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:09,107 No, I love those guys. I love them. 682 00:35:09,190 --> 00:35:10,399 [laughter] 683 00:35:10,483 --> 00:35:13,402 They got me this necklace with all their birthstones on it. 684 00:35:13,486 --> 00:35:14,821 [laughter] 685 00:35:15,822 --> 00:35:19,534 Feels a little bit like an electric fence collar. 686 00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:21,119 [laughter] 687 00:35:24,580 --> 00:35:29,168 Turns out this is a job, I'm the boss and all of the employees, so… 688 00:35:29,252 --> 00:35:30,545 [laughter] 689 00:35:30,628 --> 00:35:32,380 But it's so fun. 690 00:35:32,463 --> 00:35:34,257 [laughter] 691 00:35:39,095 --> 00:35:41,639 Part of the reason that I think moms think like that 692 00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:45,017 is because moms love their kids like a crazy amount. 693 00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,562 That's the other reason I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, 694 00:35:47,645 --> 00:35:51,065 because I was scared of that amount of love. 695 00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:52,692 It's a lot of love. 696 00:35:52,775 --> 00:35:54,902 Even if you don't have kids, you have a mom, 697 00:35:54,986 --> 00:35:57,488 and you know your mom loves you an annoying amount. 698 00:35:57,572 --> 00:35:59,907 You're just like, "Get over it, lady." 699 00:35:59,991 --> 00:36:01,826 [laughter] 700 00:36:03,619 --> 00:36:07,331 And, like, I was scared about that amount of love. 701 00:36:07,415 --> 00:36:11,169 But then I also realized it's the exact amount you need to love kids 702 00:36:11,252 --> 00:36:13,296 to make sure that they survive. 703 00:36:14,046 --> 00:36:16,507 You know, I think if moms loved kids any less, 704 00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:18,509 a lot of us probably wouldn't be here. 705 00:36:18,593 --> 00:36:19,594 [laughter] 706 00:36:19,677 --> 00:36:23,431 I think a lot of moms would've been like, "This one's broken, we'll throw it back." 707 00:36:23,514 --> 00:36:24,724 [laughter] 708 00:36:24,807 --> 00:36:29,562 I think a lot of moms would've taken that long minivan ride into a lake, you know? 709 00:36:29,645 --> 00:36:31,397 [gasps and laughter] 710 00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:33,858 Like, "No, have as many snacks as you want." 711 00:36:33,941 --> 00:36:35,776 [laughter] 712 00:36:38,654 --> 00:36:40,281 [light applause] 713 00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:43,034 "You can have screen time for the rest of your life." 714 00:36:43,117 --> 00:36:44,994 [laughter] 715 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:52,960 ♪ I can hear it calling In the air tonight ♪ 716 00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:54,128 [laughter] 717 00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:55,671 ♪ Hold on ♪ 718 00:36:55,755 --> 00:36:57,715 [light laughter] 719 00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:06,224 But that amount of love, it seemed like it's a scary amount of love. 720 00:37:06,307 --> 00:37:09,101 And I was also worried because, like, I love my job. 721 00:37:09,185 --> 00:37:10,394 I love what I do. 722 00:37:10,478 --> 00:37:13,814 I mean, logically, I knew it was gonna be possible to keep doing, 723 00:37:13,898 --> 00:37:17,693 but, like, logistically, I knew it was gonna be really difficult. 724 00:37:17,777 --> 00:37:19,737 You know? Like, I travel all the time. 725 00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:22,698 That means I'll have to bring people to help me with the baby. 726 00:37:22,782 --> 00:37:26,118 And that's extra, you know, hotel rooms and flights. 727 00:37:26,202 --> 00:37:29,288 Then I gotta think about, do I wanna travel that much with a baby? 728 00:37:29,372 --> 00:37:34,460 Is that fair to the baby to be going from hotel to hotel and airports all the time? 729 00:37:34,543 --> 00:37:37,088 And it's like, where are we gonna put the well? And… 730 00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:38,756 [laughter] 731 00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:44,303 It's just a lot of moving pieces, you know? 732 00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:48,182 And I also realized that I'm really lucky, you know? 733 00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:51,769 Like, I got to decide how much time I wanted to take off work 734 00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,729 and then how much I work now. 735 00:37:53,813 --> 00:37:55,773 You know? I got to take seven months off. 736 00:37:55,856 --> 00:38:00,236 Seven months is like… feels like a luxurious amount of time, you know? 737 00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:03,739 In Sweden, they would call that, "Five months too early, you idiot." 738 00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:04,824 [laughter] 739 00:38:04,907 --> 00:38:08,786 But in America, they say, "It's six months too long, you whore." 740 00:38:08,869 --> 00:38:10,997 -Uh… -[laughter] 741 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:14,041 [applause and cheering] 742 00:38:20,089 --> 00:38:23,551 And… And I also got to go back to a job that I love. 743 00:38:23,634 --> 00:38:27,263 A lot of women don't get to get that much time, or any time off at all, 744 00:38:27,346 --> 00:38:30,141 and they have to go back to a job that they don't even like. 745 00:38:30,224 --> 00:38:34,603 Which is… You have to go back to work, your body's like a car accident. 746 00:38:34,687 --> 00:38:37,648 Literally the frame of the car is your body. 747 00:38:37,732 --> 00:38:41,569 Did you know… Did you know your bones move when you have a baby? 748 00:38:41,652 --> 00:38:44,405 Your bones are in a different position. 749 00:38:44,947 --> 00:38:48,701 You have to go back to work with bones in different places. 750 00:38:48,784 --> 00:38:50,870 You're just walking around like it's normal, 751 00:38:50,953 --> 00:38:54,874 and you're back there, and there's some shitty guy named Jerry 752 00:38:54,957 --> 00:38:57,293 who's like, "Hey, Jill, where's the data?" 753 00:38:57,376 --> 00:39:00,546 And you're like, "This isn't a heist movie, Jerry." 754 00:39:00,629 --> 00:39:02,423 -Uh… -[laughter] 755 00:39:02,506 --> 00:39:05,885 "But I emailed you the spreadsheets a couple hours ago." 756 00:39:05,968 --> 00:39:08,971 And of course you did. Of course you emailed Jerry the spreadsheets, 757 00:39:09,055 --> 00:39:12,475 but Jerry didn't see them because Jerry's an idiot. Jerry's… 758 00:39:12,558 --> 00:39:14,477 Jerry's always been an idiot. 759 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:18,481 But here's the thing, Jerry didn't leave to have a baby. 760 00:39:18,564 --> 00:39:21,317 So he might not be smart, but he's there. 761 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:22,526 [laughter] 762 00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:25,613 And he's not, like, officially ahead of you, 763 00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:26,739 But he's, like… 764 00:39:28,491 --> 00:39:30,242 He's a little ahead of you. 765 00:39:30,326 --> 00:39:33,662 And Jerry knows. It's the only thing Jerry knows, but Jerry knows. 766 00:39:33,746 --> 00:39:35,581 So he's very condescending now. 767 00:39:35,664 --> 00:39:38,626 And you're back at work and you don't like your job, 768 00:39:38,709 --> 00:39:42,254 and you might not want to be there, or maybe you're grateful to be there, 769 00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:46,801 and also that makes you feel guilty about not wanting to be with your baby. 770 00:39:46,884 --> 00:39:48,844 You thought, "I could breastfeed here, 771 00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:52,515 but the closet they gave me is too small, and I think there's someone watching." 772 00:39:52,598 --> 00:39:54,308 -And… -[laughter] 773 00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:57,186 There's just, like, a lot of emotions going on 774 00:39:57,269 --> 00:39:59,230 and a lot of things happening in your head. 775 00:39:59,313 --> 00:40:00,773 And I just say all this to say, 776 00:40:00,856 --> 00:40:03,609 I'm surprised that more women don't shoot the office. 777 00:40:03,692 --> 00:40:05,444 [laughter] 778 00:40:05,528 --> 00:40:07,071 [applause and cheering] 779 00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:08,531 They probably… 780 00:40:09,490 --> 00:40:12,493 They probably would, but they're just like, "I can't find my…" 781 00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:13,953 [laughter] 782 00:40:14,036 --> 00:40:15,162 "Where is it?" 783 00:40:16,038 --> 00:40:18,791 "Oh, you know what, I put it in my penis pocket." 784 00:40:18,874 --> 00:40:20,626 [laughter] 785 00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:22,378 [cheering] 786 00:40:22,461 --> 00:40:26,465 "I put it in my penis pocket because the cold steel felt good on my stitches." 787 00:40:26,549 --> 00:40:28,134 [laughter] 788 00:40:28,968 --> 00:40:32,179 Don't get grossed out about that. Don't you dare get grossed out about that. 789 00:40:32,263 --> 00:40:33,764 That's how you got here. 790 00:40:35,349 --> 00:40:37,726 You got here because your mother tore her vagina. 791 00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:40,729 You don't say, "Ew," you say, "Thank you, Mommy." 792 00:40:40,813 --> 00:40:42,690 [laughter] 793 00:40:42,773 --> 00:40:45,443 [applause and cheering] 794 00:40:49,905 --> 00:40:53,200 This is the thing… This is the thing I will never understand. 795 00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:55,536 Men, at some point you have to explain this to me, 796 00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:57,121 because, you guys, I know. 797 00:40:57,204 --> 00:40:59,915 Periods are gross. Birth is gross. 798 00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:01,542 I understand that. 799 00:41:01,625 --> 00:41:04,211 But you like gross things. 800 00:41:04,795 --> 00:41:06,088 Why don't you like this? 801 00:41:06,172 --> 00:41:07,631 This is right up your alley. 802 00:41:07,715 --> 00:41:09,717 It's literally up your alley. 803 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,427 [laughter] 804 00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:14,638 I mean, you like, you like movies where people are, like, shot 805 00:41:14,722 --> 00:41:16,724 and there's, like, blood in the water, 806 00:41:16,807 --> 00:41:19,393 and you love when people are, like, blown to pieces, 807 00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:21,187 or you love Mortal Kombat. 808 00:41:21,270 --> 00:41:26,066 Every finishing move in Mortal Kombat is the grossest thing I've ever seen. 809 00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:28,611 Meanwhile, some woman's like, "I need a tampon," 810 00:41:28,694 --> 00:41:31,155 and you're like, "Ew, that's so yucky." 811 00:41:31,238 --> 00:41:33,032 [laughter] 812 00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:37,995 You know what, actually, that's not a bad finishing move in Mortal Kombat, 813 00:41:38,078 --> 00:41:39,663 taking out a tampon. 814 00:41:39,747 --> 00:41:41,373 [laughter] 815 00:41:41,457 --> 00:41:43,876 [applause and cheering] 816 00:41:45,002 --> 00:41:47,463 Your… Your own, not your opponent's. 817 00:41:47,546 --> 00:41:49,006 [laughter] 818 00:41:49,089 --> 00:41:50,674 Like, "Finish him." 819 00:41:50,758 --> 00:41:52,426 [laughter] 820 00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:57,097 "Ew, ew, ew." 821 00:41:57,181 --> 00:41:58,849 [laughter] 822 00:42:01,393 --> 00:42:02,645 "Fatality." 823 00:42:02,728 --> 00:42:04,813 -[laughter] -[person] Whooo! 824 00:42:09,109 --> 00:42:10,236 So I was worried. 825 00:42:10,319 --> 00:42:13,113 I was worried about having a baby, uh… 826 00:42:13,197 --> 00:42:17,785 Because also it's like, one of the reasons I think I was successful in comedy 827 00:42:17,868 --> 00:42:21,872 is because I didn't have a baby. This is a lot easier to do without a baby. 828 00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:26,001 I know a lot of male comics, they have families and then they're like, 829 00:42:26,085 --> 00:42:28,420 "I miss my family so much when I'm on the road." 830 00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:30,548 I'm like, "You should try taking them." 831 00:42:30,631 --> 00:42:32,800 -Uh… -[laughter] 832 00:42:32,883 --> 00:42:34,843 "You're not going to miss them at all." 833 00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:38,013 "And they're there all the time." 834 00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:40,808 And I… 835 00:42:40,891 --> 00:42:43,018 And you know, they talk a lot about, in comedy, 836 00:42:43,102 --> 00:42:46,063 how comedy is sexist and misogynistic. 837 00:42:46,146 --> 00:42:49,191 And I don't know if you know this, um, all jobs are. 838 00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:50,943 -Uh… -[laughter] 839 00:42:51,026 --> 00:42:53,654 [cheering and applause] 840 00:42:57,032 --> 00:42:59,994 I feel like we only talk about sexism in the fun jobs, 841 00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:02,538 but it's also at CVS. 842 00:43:02,621 --> 00:43:03,747 [laughter] 843 00:43:03,831 --> 00:43:07,334 And I have a microphone, I can talk about it, you know? Like, they don't have… 844 00:43:07,418 --> 00:43:09,336 I mean, I guess they have an intercom, so… 845 00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:10,421 [laughter] 846 00:43:10,504 --> 00:43:14,758 They could be like, "Um, there's sexism on aisle… All of them, all the aisles." 847 00:43:14,842 --> 00:43:16,427 [laughter] 848 00:43:19,763 --> 00:43:22,683 And I'm not saying sexism doesn't exist in comedy, 849 00:43:22,766 --> 00:43:24,268 but after having a baby, 850 00:43:24,351 --> 00:43:27,354 do you know who I found out the most sexist people are? 851 00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:28,564 Babies. 852 00:43:28,647 --> 00:43:30,065 [laughter] 853 00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:32,192 That baby doesn't come out and it's not like, 854 00:43:32,276 --> 00:43:35,613 "I'm gonna split my time between both of you, all right? Ready?" 855 00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:39,366 "Mom, Dad, we're all in this together. We're a team. Hut, hut." 856 00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:43,370 That baby comes out, you give that baby to the dad, 857 00:43:43,454 --> 00:43:45,664 that baby's like, "Who the fuck's this guy?" 858 00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:47,333 [laughter] 859 00:43:48,709 --> 00:43:51,045 "He doesn't smell like us, who is this?" 860 00:43:51,128 --> 00:43:52,338 [laughter] 861 00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:54,256 "His nipples have nothing." 862 00:43:54,340 --> 00:43:56,383 [laughter] 863 00:43:56,467 --> 00:43:58,510 "Yeah, I think he's going to eat me." 864 00:44:00,554 --> 00:44:04,308 "Of course I'm upset, I think you're being a little bit of a bitch right now." 865 00:44:04,391 --> 00:44:06,060 [laughter] 866 00:44:09,396 --> 00:44:13,317 "Just the other day, I could feel walls all around me." 867 00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:17,529 "Now there's no walls, I feel like I'm falling all of the time." 868 00:44:17,613 --> 00:44:20,157 "I'm freaking out, and then you give me to this guy." 869 00:44:20,240 --> 00:44:22,409 "Who the fuck is this guy?" 870 00:44:22,493 --> 00:44:24,078 [laughter] 871 00:44:24,953 --> 00:44:28,624 I think every dad knows this. That baby might've learned to love you, 872 00:44:28,707 --> 00:44:31,710 but when that baby came out, it didn't give a fuck about you. 873 00:44:31,794 --> 00:44:33,212 [laughter] 874 00:44:33,295 --> 00:44:35,297 [applause] 875 00:44:37,007 --> 00:44:40,386 That baby will hold you back more than a man ever could. 876 00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:45,933 And so you do get away, you do break away from that crazy baby grip, 877 00:44:46,016 --> 00:44:47,434 and you get back to work. 878 00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:50,562 That baby's not leaving your head all day. That baby's in your head. 879 00:44:50,646 --> 00:44:52,731 It's made a home in your head all day long. 880 00:44:52,815 --> 00:44:56,527 It's like, "You're at work? Interesting. I thought we were having skin time." 881 00:44:56,610 --> 00:44:58,320 [laughter] 882 00:44:58,904 --> 00:45:02,866 "Oh, you're doing a presentation? I wonder how I'm doing developmentally." 883 00:45:02,950 --> 00:45:04,743 [laughter] 884 00:45:10,749 --> 00:45:13,460 "Oh, you're in a meeting and can't check your phone?" Hm. 885 00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:14,712 "Maybe I died." 886 00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:16,672 [laughter] 887 00:45:19,216 --> 00:45:23,220 "Maybe I died, and you couldn't save me 888 00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:26,098 because you needed a work-life balance." 889 00:45:26,181 --> 00:45:27,641 [laughter] 890 00:45:27,725 --> 00:45:29,977 [cheering] 891 00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:33,731 [applause and cheering] 892 00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:40,904 To be fair, I'm sure men think about their families at work too. 893 00:45:40,988 --> 00:45:44,575 I'm sure at some point, you're like, "That's right, I do have a family." 894 00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:46,160 [laughter] 895 00:45:46,243 --> 00:45:47,828 "Oh my God, I have two." 896 00:45:47,911 --> 00:45:49,913 [laughter] 897 00:45:53,500 --> 00:45:55,753 "I always forget about the second family." 898 00:45:56,545 --> 00:45:58,839 "Don't tell them that. They hate that." 899 00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:00,716 [laughter] 900 00:46:06,847 --> 00:46:10,350 So I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby, and, uh… 901 00:46:10,434 --> 00:46:14,313 But I was… I was sure about what I wanted to do with the birth. 902 00:46:14,396 --> 00:46:17,065 I was going to lean all into the birthing experience. 903 00:46:17,149 --> 00:46:19,026 So I decided to have a home birth. 904 00:46:19,109 --> 00:46:20,652 Any other home birth moms? 905 00:46:20,736 --> 00:46:22,112 [light applause] 906 00:46:22,196 --> 00:46:25,991 That is consistently the number. 907 00:46:26,074 --> 00:46:27,075 One. 908 00:46:27,159 --> 00:46:28,911 [laughter] 909 00:46:28,994 --> 00:46:32,956 Normally one lady who probably smells like tea tree oil. 910 00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,875 -Uh… -[laughter] 911 00:46:36,293 --> 00:46:40,088 "Use it as deodorant. Use it as whatever you want. It's good for everything." 912 00:46:40,172 --> 00:46:41,757 [light laughter] 913 00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:46,553 Here's what I will say. All jokes aside, no jokes here. 914 00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:50,224 Uh, if you are, if you're pregnant, you want to be pregnant, 915 00:46:50,307 --> 00:46:52,142 and you haven't thought about home birth 916 00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:54,937 or you're thinking about it now for the first time, 917 00:46:55,020 --> 00:46:57,397 I strongly encourage you to look into it 918 00:46:57,481 --> 00:47:01,485 because I will say, hands down, best experience of my life. 919 00:47:01,568 --> 00:47:04,446 [applause] 920 00:47:06,573 --> 00:47:09,159 Absolutely unbelievable. It was amazing. 921 00:47:09,243 --> 00:47:13,789 You really found out how powerful and capable you are as a woman. 922 00:47:13,872 --> 00:47:17,125 And it's also probably why we don't encourage women to have home births 923 00:47:17,209 --> 00:47:18,877 because, you know… 924 00:47:18,961 --> 00:47:20,546 [laughter] 925 00:47:20,629 --> 00:47:22,339 that would be terrible. 926 00:47:22,422 --> 00:47:24,383 -Uh… -[laughter] 927 00:47:26,802 --> 00:47:31,765 But there is… Okay, so the joke reason why I had a home birth, because it's funnier… 928 00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:33,976 -Uh… -[laughter] 929 00:47:34,059 --> 00:47:38,146 is that I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a baby, you know? And so… 930 00:47:38,230 --> 00:47:40,023 [laughter] 931 00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:48,407 If the baby came out and I was like, "Whoopsie," I coulda been like, 932 00:47:48,490 --> 00:47:51,285 "Hey, look at that sunrise," and then just, you know… 933 00:47:51,368 --> 00:47:52,536 [laughter] 934 00:47:52,619 --> 00:47:55,497 "It's so crazy, a hawk just flew in." 935 00:47:55,581 --> 00:47:57,416 [laughter] 936 00:47:57,499 --> 00:47:59,960 "Does that happen at a lot of home births? Do the…?" 937 00:48:00,043 --> 00:48:01,587 [laughter] 938 00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:05,799 "Do hawks steal a lot of the babies?" 939 00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:07,426 [laughter] 940 00:48:13,432 --> 00:48:16,977 There's a couple of big differences between home births and hospital births. 941 00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:19,646 Like, uh, at a home birth, you're surrounded by people 942 00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:22,524 who, like, love and care about you and want you to be able 943 00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:25,193 to progress naturally and are encouraging. 944 00:48:25,277 --> 00:48:27,905 At a hospital birth, you're surrounded by people who are like, 945 00:48:27,988 --> 00:48:29,448 "Oh no, it's an emergency." 946 00:48:29,531 --> 00:48:33,827 "It's Thursday, so we have to cut you open." 947 00:48:33,911 --> 00:48:35,996 [laughter] 948 00:48:36,079 --> 00:48:39,750 So that's a point in the home birth column, um… 949 00:48:39,833 --> 00:48:42,544 But a point for hospital births is that, um, 950 00:48:42,628 --> 00:48:45,505 a lot of, you know, most hospitals are plastic and linoleum, 951 00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:48,216 you can, like, wipe stuff down pretty easy. 952 00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:51,094 And at home, everything's absorbent. 953 00:48:51,178 --> 00:48:52,930 -Uh… -[laughter] 954 00:48:53,013 --> 00:48:54,890 So then later, when people come over, 955 00:48:54,973 --> 00:48:57,935 you can be like, "This is where we had the baby." 956 00:48:58,018 --> 00:49:00,020 [laughter] 957 00:49:02,397 --> 00:49:04,149 "Would you like some spaghetti?" 958 00:49:04,232 --> 00:49:06,068 [laughter] 959 00:49:08,236 --> 00:49:10,739 I love to serve my guests spaghetti. I don't know. 960 00:49:13,909 --> 00:49:15,911 And really, I wanted to lean into this. 961 00:49:15,994 --> 00:49:19,414 I was gonna have a water birth, I was going to get a birthing pool. 962 00:49:19,498 --> 00:49:21,375 I didn't know this about birthing pools. 963 00:49:21,458 --> 00:49:23,794 Do you know they're just regular inflatable pools? 964 00:49:23,877 --> 00:49:25,003 [laughter] 965 00:49:25,087 --> 00:49:26,880 There's not a special one for birth. 966 00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:30,634 It's just the same one you can use in your yard with your sad family. 967 00:49:30,717 --> 00:49:32,594 [laughter] 968 00:49:35,222 --> 00:49:39,017 I was excited about this. I thought it'd be a gentle transition into the world. 969 00:49:39,101 --> 00:49:41,561 But I ended up not being able to use the birthing pool 970 00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:44,064 because I ended up having a really quick labor. 971 00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:46,316 I couldn't use it because my baby came too fast, 972 00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:49,069 which is the last time she's going to get to say that. 973 00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:50,779 [laughter] 974 00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:53,991 Please don't take my baby. Please. 975 00:49:55,659 --> 00:49:58,912 I didn't even want to tell that joke. It's just there, and I have to. 976 00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:00,747 [laughter] 977 00:50:01,373 --> 00:50:05,377 But this one, I am gonna need you guys to prepare yourselves for this one 'cause… 978 00:50:05,460 --> 00:50:06,712 [laughter] 979 00:50:06,795 --> 00:50:08,964 Just trust me. Uh… 980 00:50:09,047 --> 00:50:12,050 So after I had the baby, I, um, 981 00:50:12,134 --> 00:50:13,844 drank a placenta smoothie. 982 00:50:13,927 --> 00:50:15,637 [groans] 983 00:50:15,721 --> 00:50:18,682 All right, well, first of all, we mixed it with berries, okay? 984 00:50:18,765 --> 00:50:19,766 [laughter] 985 00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:21,685 So it tasted of berry. 986 00:50:21,768 --> 00:50:23,645 [laughter] 987 00:50:23,729 --> 00:50:27,274 But also, your body made the placenta, and it nourished your baby 988 00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:29,693 and gave it everything it needed to be born. 989 00:50:29,776 --> 00:50:32,863 And then you have the baby, and you have the placenta, 990 00:50:32,946 --> 00:50:37,367 and eating part of it is supposed to help you recover both physically and mentally. 991 00:50:37,451 --> 00:50:40,328 And I know even after saying all of that, you're still like, 992 00:50:40,412 --> 00:50:42,664 "That's fucking gross." 993 00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:44,541 [laughter] 994 00:50:44,624 --> 00:50:46,126 But here's the thing. 995 00:50:46,209 --> 00:50:48,253 You've swallowed cum. 996 00:50:48,336 --> 00:50:50,130 [laughter] 997 00:50:50,213 --> 00:50:52,215 [applause] 998 00:50:52,299 --> 00:50:54,760 And what'd that help you recover from? 999 00:50:54,843 --> 00:50:56,595 [laughter] 1000 00:50:56,678 --> 00:50:58,138 Your body didn't even make that. 1001 00:50:58,221 --> 00:50:59,973 His body made that. 1002 00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:01,933 Who is he? 1003 00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:03,852 [laughter] 1004 00:51:05,187 --> 00:51:07,105 How long's that been in there? 1005 00:51:07,189 --> 00:51:08,899 [laughter] 1006 00:51:08,982 --> 00:51:10,192 What's he been eating? 1007 00:51:10,275 --> 00:51:11,985 [laughter] 1008 00:51:17,991 --> 00:51:21,661 But now I have this really great baby. Rolled the dice, came out good. 1009 00:51:21,745 --> 00:51:23,622 -Uh… -[laughter] 1010 00:51:23,705 --> 00:51:26,875 I have this really great baby, and now she does baby talk, you know? 1011 00:51:26,958 --> 00:51:29,628 She'll be like, "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba," and I talk back to her, 1012 00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:32,589 but I talk back to her like I'm talking to you guys now. 1013 00:51:32,672 --> 00:51:34,382 Because I'm a fun mom. 1014 00:51:34,466 --> 00:51:35,634 [laughter] 1015 00:51:35,717 --> 00:51:39,179 So she'll be like, "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba," and I'll be like, "That's interesting." 1016 00:51:39,262 --> 00:51:40,430 "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba." 1017 00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:42,390 "Wow, I think so too." 1018 00:51:42,474 --> 00:51:43,725 "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba." 1019 00:51:43,809 --> 00:51:45,769 "Thank you so much for sharing." 1020 00:51:45,852 --> 00:51:47,854 Which is like, "Wrap it up," you know? 1021 00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:49,314 [laughter] 1022 00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:57,572 And I like to think she's, like, telling me about a dream she had, 1023 00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:01,034 or, I don't know, maybe something she saw when we were out on a walk. 1024 00:52:01,118 --> 00:52:03,829 And that's really nice if that's what it is, you know? 1025 00:52:03,912 --> 00:52:05,205 But what if it's not? 1026 00:52:05,288 --> 00:52:06,623 [light laughter] 1027 00:52:06,706 --> 00:52:09,084 What if she's like, "Damn Jews"? 1028 00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:11,128 [laughter] 1029 00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:14,131 That's why I don't talk baby talk. 1030 00:52:14,214 --> 00:52:15,799 I don't know the language. 1031 00:52:16,758 --> 00:52:20,387 I don't want to accidentally be saying something super racist. 1032 00:52:21,138 --> 00:52:23,890 And even worse, I have a half-Black baby. 1033 00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:25,767 What if she's saying the N-word to me? 1034 00:52:25,851 --> 00:52:27,185 She can say it. 1035 00:52:27,269 --> 00:52:28,770 [laughter] 1036 00:52:28,854 --> 00:52:32,107 I don't want to accidentally be saying it back to her. 1037 00:52:32,190 --> 00:52:35,610 She's going to be like, "I have a racist bitch of a mom." 1038 00:52:36,194 --> 00:52:39,489 And I have to be like, "Yeah, I agree with you on the Jew thing." 1039 00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:41,241 [laughter] 1040 00:52:42,576 --> 00:52:43,660 It's very interesting. 1041 00:52:43,743 --> 00:52:48,665 It's very interesting being the white part of a half-Black-baby situation. 1042 00:52:48,748 --> 00:52:50,709 Because, you know, like, I'm a white woman. 1043 00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:54,963 And, you know, I just have to be on guard to not be one, you know? 1044 00:52:55,046 --> 00:52:57,090 [laughter] 1045 00:52:57,174 --> 00:53:00,385 So we were at the airport bookstore, 1046 00:53:00,468 --> 00:53:03,096 you know, like our local bookstore. And, uh… 1047 00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:05,015 [laughter] 1048 00:53:06,433 --> 00:53:09,436 And I think we can all agree, baby books are garbage. Uh… 1049 00:53:09,519 --> 00:53:12,230 But I thought I'd buy one so she could look at it for 30 seconds 1050 00:53:12,314 --> 00:53:15,192 before she tried to lick everything on the plane. 1051 00:53:15,817 --> 00:53:20,113 And so there's this whole series of baby books that's like, 1052 00:53:20,197 --> 00:53:25,452 If I Were a Puppy, If I Were a Giraffe, If I Were a Unicorn, If I Were a Dinosaur, 1053 00:53:25,535 --> 00:53:27,162 If I Were an Octopus. 1054 00:53:27,746 --> 00:53:31,374 And then the last one in the series is If I Were a Monkey. 1055 00:53:31,458 --> 00:53:34,336 I'm like, "Your dad's gonna have to buy you this one because I'm not…" 1056 00:53:34,419 --> 00:53:35,420 [laughter] 1057 00:53:35,503 --> 00:53:38,173 "You're not getting me with this. I'm not showing up to the counter 1058 00:53:38,256 --> 00:53:40,967 as a white woman with a Black baby and a book about a monkey." 1059 00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:42,385 "You're not getting me." 1060 00:53:42,469 --> 00:53:43,845 [laughter] 1061 00:53:46,848 --> 00:53:49,601 I think all of us white people know, 1062 00:53:49,684 --> 00:53:52,312 there are times where we're accidentally racist, right? 1063 00:53:52,395 --> 00:53:55,774 I mean, there's also times we're very much on purpose racist. 1064 00:53:55,857 --> 00:53:56,983 [laughter] 1065 00:53:57,067 --> 00:54:00,028 But there's times where a lot of us are accidentally racist. 1066 00:54:00,111 --> 00:54:03,281 And you just hope the times you're accidentally racist happen 1067 00:54:03,365 --> 00:54:05,325 in the privacy of your own home. 1068 00:54:05,992 --> 00:54:08,328 But I can't be accidentally racist at home 1069 00:54:08,411 --> 00:54:11,081 because home is where the Black people are. 1070 00:54:11,164 --> 00:54:12,916 [laughter] 1071 00:54:18,838 --> 00:54:22,634 And my husband, he's the Black one in the half-Black situation. 1072 00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:23,760 [laughter] 1073 00:54:23,843 --> 00:54:25,720 You can't miss him. Unless it's dark. 1074 00:54:25,804 --> 00:54:27,681 [laughter] 1075 00:54:30,558 --> 00:54:33,561 People get mad at him 'cause they're like, "You married a white woman, 1076 00:54:33,645 --> 00:54:35,438 you've abandoned Black families." 1077 00:54:35,522 --> 00:54:38,650 And I understand the logic behind that, 1078 00:54:38,733 --> 00:54:41,486 but I just want to reframe it a little bit, you know, 1079 00:54:41,569 --> 00:54:42,988 as a white woman would. 1080 00:54:43,071 --> 00:54:44,864 -Uh… -[laughter] 1081 00:54:46,992 --> 00:54:50,203 I don't think of it so much as he abandoned Black families 1082 00:54:50,287 --> 00:54:53,456 as he stopped a white family from happening. 1083 00:54:53,540 --> 00:54:55,208 [laughter] 1084 00:54:55,292 --> 00:54:57,752 [applause and cheering] 1085 00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:03,675 So he's really a hero. 1086 00:55:03,758 --> 00:55:05,510 [laughter] 1087 00:55:11,641 --> 00:55:14,686 And there's only really been one time that, like, as a mom, 1088 00:55:14,769 --> 00:55:16,730 that I've gotten, like, truly furious, 1089 00:55:16,813 --> 00:55:19,607 and that was when I was buying clothes. 1090 00:55:19,691 --> 00:55:22,068 And do you know what baby clothes have? 1091 00:55:22,610 --> 00:55:23,695 Pockets. 1092 00:55:25,071 --> 00:55:28,575 They have tiny little pockets for, I don't know, your worries. 1093 00:55:28,658 --> 00:55:30,285 [laughter] 1094 00:55:35,540 --> 00:55:39,252 And I do… I am, I find myself… I'm lucky enough to breastfeed. Um… 1095 00:55:39,336 --> 00:55:42,005 Breastfeeding's weird, though. It is weird. Um… 1096 00:55:42,088 --> 00:55:47,010 I've always been very supportive of breastfeeding moms, especially in public. 1097 00:55:47,093 --> 00:55:50,638 I'm way more comfortable breastfeeding in public than I thought I would be. 1098 00:55:50,722 --> 00:55:54,100 -I thought I'd feel weird about it. Yeah. -[applause] 1099 00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:56,144 I'll do it anywhere. And… 1100 00:55:56,227 --> 00:56:00,148 But, like, I also understand people's discomfort with it, because, like, 1101 00:56:00,231 --> 00:56:04,319 even if you support it, you don't know how to show your support, you know? 1102 00:56:04,402 --> 00:56:09,657 Like, it's kind of… I feel the same way as when I see a person with one arm, 1103 00:56:09,741 --> 00:56:11,701 and you make eye contact with them. 1104 00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:14,079 You don't want to look away right away, like… 1105 00:56:14,162 --> 00:56:16,247 -You know? Like… -[laughter] 1106 00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:18,583 But you also don't want to make a big deal out of it. 1107 00:56:18,666 --> 00:56:22,587 You just want to be like, "Hey, look, you and me just walking down the street." 1108 00:56:22,670 --> 00:56:27,592 "Two people, and you're…" "But if you need help, I can help you." 1109 00:56:27,675 --> 00:56:29,052 -"But…" -[laughter] 1110 00:56:29,135 --> 00:56:31,471 I also know you do this all the time. So it's not… 1111 00:56:31,554 --> 00:56:33,431 You don't need help, but…" 1112 00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:35,725 "You got it. But if you don't, you know…" 1113 00:56:35,809 --> 00:56:37,519 -Uh… -[laughter] 1114 00:56:37,602 --> 00:56:40,313 It's hard to know what face that is. You know? It's… 1115 00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:43,483 It's hard to know how to say that all with your face. 1116 00:56:46,528 --> 00:56:50,115 So I get it. I get when people are uncomfortable. 1117 00:56:50,698 --> 00:56:51,908 You know? 1118 00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:56,121 In America, you know, because they just care about women so much… They, um… 1119 00:56:56,204 --> 00:56:57,622 [laughter] 1120 00:56:57,705 --> 00:57:01,334 They put those breastfeeding sheds in a lot of airports. 1121 00:57:01,418 --> 00:57:03,086 -Um… [laughter] 1122 00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:05,588 So nice of them. Uh… 1123 00:57:05,672 --> 00:57:08,341 I personally have never used one. 1124 00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:10,635 I don't think I ever would use one. Um… 1125 00:57:10,718 --> 00:57:12,929 Mostly because I've never seen a woman go in, 1126 00:57:13,012 --> 00:57:15,682 but more importantly, I've never seen a woman come out. 1127 00:57:15,765 --> 00:57:17,725 [laughter] 1128 00:57:20,979 --> 00:57:21,980 Uh… 1129 00:57:22,063 --> 00:57:24,941 Also, I'm almost positive if you open the door to that, 1130 00:57:25,024 --> 00:57:28,570 you'll see a guy in there being like, "Yeah, I milk stuff too." 1131 00:57:28,653 --> 00:57:30,655 [laughter] 1132 00:57:39,080 --> 00:57:41,833 But there was one day, I was breastfeeding my baby, 1133 00:57:41,916 --> 00:57:45,170 and she finished eating, and I lift her up above my head. 1134 00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:48,756 And yeah, exactly what you think is going to happen is about to happen. 1135 00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:50,091 [laughter] 1136 00:57:50,175 --> 00:57:52,635 So I lift her up above my head, and I think to myself, 1137 00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:54,762 "One of these days, I'm going to do this, 1138 00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:57,724 and my baby's going to throw up all over my face." 1139 00:57:57,807 --> 00:58:00,143 And this is how connected me and my baby are. 1140 00:58:00,226 --> 00:58:01,686 [laughter] 1141 00:58:01,769 --> 00:58:04,063 No sooner did I finish that thought 1142 00:58:04,147 --> 00:58:07,484 than my baby threw up directly into my mouth. 1143 00:58:07,567 --> 00:58:08,776 [groans] 1144 00:58:08,860 --> 00:58:12,197 It was so direct that none of it got on my face. 1145 00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:13,239 [groans] 1146 00:58:13,323 --> 00:58:16,743 It was just directly from her mouth into my mouth. 1147 00:58:17,327 --> 00:58:19,704 She reverse-baby birded me. 1148 00:58:19,787 --> 00:58:21,789 [laughter] 1149 00:58:25,710 --> 00:58:29,255 And I was, I was shocked, but, like, I was holding the baby. 1150 00:58:29,339 --> 00:58:32,091 So you can't freak out when you're holding the baby, 1151 00:58:32,175 --> 00:58:34,802 because you're holding the baby. 1152 00:58:34,886 --> 00:58:36,554 So I just swallowed it. 1153 00:58:36,638 --> 00:58:39,182 [loud groans] 1154 00:58:39,265 --> 00:58:43,269 And I know that sounds gross, but it's still not cum. 1155 00:58:43,353 --> 00:58:44,854 [laughter] 1156 00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:47,190 [applause and cheering] 1157 00:58:50,109 --> 00:58:54,489 It went from my boob to her mouth, right back into my mouth. 1158 00:58:54,572 --> 00:58:55,949 Who is he? 1159 00:58:56,032 --> 00:58:57,951 [laughter] 1160 00:58:58,034 --> 00:59:00,328 Thank you very much, I'm Michelle Wolf. 1161 00:59:00,411 --> 00:59:01,955 [applause and cheering] 1162 00:59:02,038 --> 00:59:03,206 Have a good night. 1163 00:59:03,289 --> 00:59:06,167 ["Make My Love Your Home" by The Days playing] 1164 00:59:16,094 --> 00:59:17,345 ♪ And please ♪ 1165 00:59:18,304 --> 00:59:20,848 ♪ Please, please darling, do ♪ 1166 00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:24,811 ♪ If you can't be right, be wrong ♪ 1167 00:59:26,771 --> 00:59:29,023 ♪ Make my love your home ♪ 1168 00:59:32,068 --> 00:59:33,194 ♪ The moon ♪ 1169 00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:37,574 ♪ Is rising somewhere in your eye ♪ 1170 00:59:38,741 --> 00:59:40,827 ♪ Yeah, this is real ♪ 1171 00:59:42,620 --> 00:59:44,914 ♪ The life we came from, sure ♪ 1172 00:59:46,541 --> 00:59:49,669 ♪ I'm shivering, sure I'm scared ♪ 1173 00:59:49,752 --> 00:59:51,796 ♪ But I'm all yours ♪ 1174 00:59:51,879 --> 00:59:53,381 ♪ So breathe ♪ 1175 00:59:54,257 --> 00:59:56,718 ♪ Breathe, breathe darling, you ♪ 1176 00:59:58,219 --> 01:00:00,972 ♪ You can make my love your home ♪ 1177 01:00:02,765 --> 01:00:04,892 ♪ Make my love your home ♪ 1178 01:00:14,986 --> 01:00:17,905 ["Make My Love Your Home" fades]