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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["Wild World" by Cat Stevens playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>♪ Now that I've lost everything to you </i>♪

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<i>♪ You say you wanna start something new ♪</i>

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<i>♪ And it's breakin' my heart</i>
<i>You're leavin' ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Baby, I'm grievin' ♪</i>

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<i>♪ But if you wanna leave, take good care ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Hope you have</i>
<i>A lot of nice things to wear ♪</i>

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<i>♪ But then a lot of nice things</i>
<i>Turn bad out there ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪</i>

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<i>♪ It's hard to get by just upon a smile ♪</i>

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{\an8}[audience cheering]

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{\an8}<i>♪ Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world ♪</i>

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{\an8}[man] Make some noise
for my brother, Mo Amer!

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Fuck DJ Khaled.

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[audience cheering]

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Yup.

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<i>Biteezak.</i>

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<i>Biteezak.</i>

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[chuckles]

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<i>Biteezak. </i>[chuckles]

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I really…

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I did it in my previous special,
and it means "in your ass."

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If you haven't seen it,
it means "in your ass."

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I genuinely thought I would never
do it again, to be honest with you.

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I never thought, because I get <i>Biteezaked</i>
on the street on a regular basis.

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And it's always Mexicans,
it's always a Mexican guy.

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I'll be walking down the street
and he'll be like, "Hey, Mo!"

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I'll be like,
"Don't look back, Mo. Don't look back."

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"Come on, bro."

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{\an8}"I'm your biggest fan, man!"

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{\an8}I look back, he's like,

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[in Spanish] "In your ass, bitch!"

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[in English] I'm like, "Oh no!"

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"Why, Jose, why?"

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But DJ Khaled 100% deserves a <i>Biteezak.</i>

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- 100% a <i>Biteezak.</i>
<i>- </i>[audience cheering]

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[whistles]

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It's a bummer, because he's one of us.

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He's Palestinian and he's not speaking up.

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He's not even acknowledging it,
which makes it more agonizing.

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And I still follow him on Instagram.
I still follow him on Instagram.

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I do, and a lot of people message me,

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"Why are you still following
DJ Khaled on Instagram?"

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I was like, "I gotta see what he's doing."

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"So I can make fun of his bitch-ass,
it's very important."

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[audience laughs]

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And I'm a hyper-self-aware human being,
I'm, like, hyper-self-aware.

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But every time I see him on Instagram,
I'm like, "You fat piece of shit."

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"Old fat-ass, punk-ass, fat-ass ho."

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"Old fat-ass, bitch-ass,
punk-ass, fat-ass."

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{\an8}"Eating <i>maqluba </i>all the time,
fat-ass, bitch-ass."

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"How do you have side titties?
Who the hell has side titties?"

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"Old fat-ass, side-titty-having.
Look, there's another titty."

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"Another one, another titty."

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[audience laughing]

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My friend goes, "Hey, bro, you're fat."

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I was like,
"I'm athletic fat, it's very different."

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[audience laughs]

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"I bench 300 pounds,
he's bench-pressing sandwiches."

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"Old punk-ass, bitch-ass, fat-ass."

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Because you gotta say something.

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You gotta say something,
you can't say nothing.

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And what you say and when you say it
is everything, right?

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When I was writing Season 2,
we came back from the strike October 1st.

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Then October 7th happened
and all hell broke loose.

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And I decided to come out to D.C.,
I joined a JVP rally.

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It was Jewish Voice for Peace,
a bunch of young...

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[audience cheering]

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That's right.

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It was really dope,
all these young Jewish people

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and young Palestinians
trying to do the right thing.

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And I came in front of Congress
and they're like, "Would you speak?"

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I was like, "It's not really
the stages that I'm accustomed to,

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to be honest with you."

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I was like, "I'll go last."
You don't want to go up in the middle.

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And then somebody follows you like,
"Fuck them, kill them all!"

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[audience laughing]

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Then it'll be in the paper the next day,

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"Anti-Semitic, Semitic comedian last night

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joins anti-Semitic,
Semitic rally in Washington, D.C."

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But I wanted to use my art form.

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Because I feel like stand-up
is the last free art form.

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So I called up the D.C. Improv.

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And I asked them,
"Listen, I want to use the venue

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which I've sold out
a hundred times plus in my career."

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And they denied me. I was like, "Oh shit."

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I looked at my manager, I was like,

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"I don't give a shit, find me any venue,
I don't care where."

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And the irony of the whole situation,

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the venue that let me do
what I needed to do

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was a gay German beer bar.

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They were like,

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[in German accent] "Oh yeah, we love
Mo Amer, please, yeah, come here, yeah."

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[chuckles]

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"Give me a hug, you're cuddly,
yeah, it's good, yeah."

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He was like, "Use our basement
Monday and Tuesday."

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"However, we're fully booked
on Wednesday, you know."

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I was like, "I don't need to know
what's happening here on Wednesday."

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But I did it, I filmed it,
I didn't put it out.

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Because it was so angry and emotional.

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And I decided to focus on the only
Palestinian-American show on television,

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that's what I wanted to focus on.

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[audience cheering]

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Ever!

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I put all my energy into that.
I put my heart and soul into that.

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And in the meantime,
I was doing these pop-ups in Houston.

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Very small shows, just to see
what my community was going through.

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And to my surprise,

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all these angry white people
were snatching up the tickets.

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I showed up one night to my show,
before I even grabbed the microphone,

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this lady goes, [in Southern accent]
"You tell them, baby."

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"You tell them exactly how you feel."

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"They told me, do my research."

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"I done did my research."

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Israel fucked up so bad,

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and now rednecks
are supporting Palestine? This is crazy.

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I had to ask, like,
"Ma'am, what's your name?"

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She goes, "Myrtle." I was like, "Myrtle?"

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"Hot damn, Myrtle,

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I'm gonna take you
to every single news interview I do

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from now on for the rest of my life."

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Especially with these interviews,

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sometimes journalists
try to trip you up and shit.

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Be sitting there, be like,
"Mo, before we discuss Season 2,

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do you condemn Hamas?"

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I'd be like, "One second. Myrtle, please?"

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[audience laughs]

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[in Southern accent] "I got you, Mohammed,
I got you, baby, yeah."

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"You trying to trip up my man
Mohammed, that's all, yeah."

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"Uh-huh, that's a damn gotcha question.
That's a lose-lose, as they call it."

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"Uh-huh, well, let me
educate your dumb ass, okay?"

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"You ever heard of the Nakba? Huh? No?"

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"In 1948, they expelled
over 750,000 Palestinians."

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"Eviscerated over 500 villages.
God knows how many they murdered."

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"No, Mohammed,
let me cook, baby, let me cook."

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"And I dug a little further,
did more research

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and found out there's a half a million
Palestinians living in Santiago, Chile."

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"I said, 'What the hell
they doing in Santiago, Chile?'"

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"And then I dug further and found out
most of them is Christian. I was like,

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'Hold on a second, Palestinian,
Christians, Bethlehem, Nazareth.'"

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"Oh my God, Jesus is Palestinian.
Done blew my mind."

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[audience cheering]

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"Of course he was Palestinian,
no wonder the Jews wanted to kill him."

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"Okay, take it easy. Time-out, Myrtle,
time-out. Oh shit, take it easy."

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"Sometimes they go too far."

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You know that there is four cities
in America named Palestine?

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One of them happens to be in Texas.

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I just imagine during this broadcast
there's two Texans

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living in Palestine, Texas,
confused, you know what I mean?

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They'd be like, [in Southern accent]
"What's going on in Palestine, Jebediah?"

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"Everything's fine here."

154
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"No, not this Palestine,
original Palestine, Palestine."

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"Wait, there's another Palestine?"

156
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"Yeah, where Jesus come from."

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"Wait, Jesus from Texas?"

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"Yeah, his name is Jesús now.
His name is Jesús."

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[in Arabic]
Peace and blessings be upon him.

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[audience laughing and clapping]

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[in English] This may surprise you.

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One of my dear friends, he helped me
on the show, he happens to be Jewish.

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He calls himself a recovering Zionist,
which is hilarious.

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I didn't realize while filming the show,

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he was going through
his own set of emotions.

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He'd come up to me like,
"Mo, I figured something out."

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I'm like, "What?" He goes,
"I figured out what Israel is to me."

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I was like, "What?"

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He goes,
"Israel is like the baby that you have

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that you love so much, and then
it grows up to be a school shooter."

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- I was like, "God damn."
- [audience laughing]

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I didn't say it, he said it,
you know what I mean?

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See why I locked your phones up?

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[audience laughing]

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In all honesty, I'm actually
very jealous of Jewish people, okay?

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I am, because you guys
work very well together.

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All right?
If Jewish people own bagel shops,

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they all come together
and they agree on one price.

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They're like, "Okay, who owns the bagels?"

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This is my bad Jewish impression.

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"You got the bagels? You own
a bagel, bitty. You had the bagel."

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"Okay, $5, we all agree it's $5?"

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00:09:50,708 --> 00:09:53,000
"Okay, it's $5."

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00:09:53,083 --> 00:09:55,375
Arabs, on the other hand,
we suck right now.

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00:09:55,458 --> 00:09:59,333
We suck! We suck it! We suck so bad!

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00:09:59,416 --> 00:10:02,208
And we didn't suck in history,
we don't suck, but we suck.

187
00:10:02,291 --> 00:10:04,375
We've invented
many amazing things in history.

188
00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:08,083
Universities, we have algebra, soap.
Yeah, bitch.

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00:10:08,166 --> 00:10:11,666
Soap, coffee, we've done all that.
But we can't work together.

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If an Arab guy has a falafel shop

191
00:10:13,916 --> 00:10:16,333
and another guy has a falafel shop
across the street,

192
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:19,083
he'd be like, [in Arabic accent]
"How much? $4.99?"

193
00:10:19,166 --> 00:10:20,791
"Fuck you, $3.99."

194
00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:21,875
[audience laughs]

195
00:10:22,583 --> 00:10:24,625
"$3.99, fuck you, $2.99."

196
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:28,458
"$2.99, free, fuck you, free."

197
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,416
"I'll get the loan,
we go out of business and die."

198
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,875
[in Arabic] "Thank God."

199
00:10:32,958 --> 00:10:34,208
[audience laughing]

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00:10:34,750 --> 00:10:36,375
[in English] What are we doing?

201
00:10:37,833 --> 00:10:40,708
What are we doing?
It's already hard enough out here.

202
00:10:41,291 --> 00:10:44,791
And Season 2 was not easy to make.

203
00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:46,750
It was not easy to make.

204
00:10:46,833 --> 00:10:50,125
While I was making it and even after,
just listening to all the comments,

205
00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:51,958
it's very fucking frustrating.

206
00:10:52,041 --> 00:10:55,333
I had one comment I saw,
it said… Imagine this.

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It said, "Mo, I saw Season 2, Episode 8."

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00:10:59,541 --> 00:11:02,125
"You're making the IDF look bad, Mo."

209
00:11:02,208 --> 00:11:04,750
"You're making the IDF look bad."

210
00:11:04,833 --> 00:11:06,333
I was like, "I'm making…

211
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,291
[audience laughing]

212
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:12,458
the Israeli occupation force look bad?
I'm the one who's doing this?"

213
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:16,166
"Not the fact that they're carpet-bombing
an entire civilian population?"

214
00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:18,875
"Get the fuck out of my face, please."

215
00:11:18,958 --> 00:11:20,583
[audience cheering]

216
00:11:22,791 --> 00:11:24,791
It's so absurd.

217
00:11:24,875 --> 00:11:27,375
You can't trust the government,
have to trust ourselves.

218
00:11:27,458 --> 00:11:29,958
And clearly that's why
I chose this location.

219
00:11:30,041 --> 00:11:33,000
To be across the street
from the fucking crazies, okay?

220
00:11:33,708 --> 00:11:36,125
I wanted to tell them,
"We're not scared, we're here."

221
00:11:36,208 --> 00:11:38,250
"I don't give a fuck what you do,
we're together."

222
00:11:38,333 --> 00:11:39,750
[audience cheering]

223
00:11:41,625 --> 00:11:43,125
Can't be scared.

224
00:11:44,541 --> 00:11:46,000
Can't be scared.

225
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,500
The truth is the truth, man.

226
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:52,375
I can't trust the government.
I don't know what's going on.

227
00:11:52,458 --> 00:11:55,875
There's weird relationships happening,
Elon Musk, they broke up.

228
00:11:55,958 --> 00:11:58,958
I don't know… And Elon Musk
is a weird-ass dude, you gotta admit.

229
00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:01,291
He's not even a real person,
I don't think.

230
00:12:01,375 --> 00:12:05,041
His human skin suit
is failing on a regular basis.

231
00:12:05,833 --> 00:12:09,625
He's not real, he has a chip in his brain.
That shit's restarting all the time.

232
00:12:09,708 --> 00:12:11,833
Gaaah!

233
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:17,291
His son, I don't like to talk about kids.
His son's in the Oval Office talking about

234
00:12:17,375 --> 00:12:21,541
"Shut your mouth, you shut your mouth.
You shut your whore mouth."

235
00:12:21,625 --> 00:12:24,833
I don't know if he said "whore,"
but it felt like it, it was real ugly.

236
00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:28,875
Whatever his name is, E equals MC squared,
I'm not good at math, unfortunately.

237
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,291
And his dad is on
the biggest stages in the world,

238
00:12:32,375 --> 00:12:35,541
just out of his mind, on the biggest
stages in the world talking about…

239
00:12:35,625 --> 00:12:37,166
[grunting]

240
00:12:40,666 --> 00:12:43,958
I'm not going to do the full salute,
but you know what I'm talking about.

241
00:12:44,041 --> 00:12:45,583
You know… [grunts]

242
00:12:48,708 --> 00:12:54,041
"Anti-Semitic, Semitic, white supremacist
comedian last night in Washington, D.C.

243
00:12:54,750 --> 00:12:57,916
goes on a mini Nazi-salute rampage."

244
00:12:58,833 --> 00:13:00,375
My picture in the paper.

245
00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:06,916
He's not a real person. He's not.

246
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,375
I feel like if I ever see him again,
I'm going to try to remove his face.

247
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,250
I feel like if I remove his face,

248
00:13:13,333 --> 00:13:16,875
there'll be that little guy
from <i>Men in Black </i>in there. [chuckles]

249
00:13:18,166 --> 00:13:21,000
And he'll be like
"The secret of the universe

250
00:13:21,708 --> 00:13:24,708
is on Epstein's list."

251
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,083
"What's on the list?" "Epstein's list."

252
00:13:29,166 --> 00:13:31,541
"What's on the list?" "Epstein."

253
00:13:31,625 --> 00:13:33,583
[groans]

254
00:13:33,666 --> 00:13:35,916
No!

255
00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:38,625
We're never going to know.

256
00:13:39,291 --> 00:13:40,583
[chuckles]

257
00:13:42,416 --> 00:13:43,708
Every time I dab my forehead

258
00:13:43,791 --> 00:13:46,083
I feel like I'm Louis Armstrong,
I'm not gonna lie.

259
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,750
♪ <i>I see trees of green </i>♪

260
00:13:48,833 --> 00:13:49,916
[audience cheering]

261
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,958
<i>♪ Red roses too </i>♪

262
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,333
<i>♪ I see them bloom </i>♪

263
00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:58,000
<i>♪ From me and you </i>♪

264
00:13:58,833 --> 00:14:01,291
[audience joins in]
<i>♪ And I think to myself </i>♪

265
00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:04,958
<i>♪ What a wonderful world </i>♪

266
00:14:05,041 --> 00:14:07,083
Hell yeah, man, that shit was fire.

267
00:14:07,166 --> 00:14:08,500
[audience cheering]

268
00:14:08,583 --> 00:14:09,750
Very cool.

269
00:14:12,583 --> 00:14:14,041
Well, my world

270
00:14:14,541 --> 00:14:17,166
is forever changed because I had a baby.

271
00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:19,000
- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.

272
00:14:20,708 --> 00:14:23,583
I'm looking for a mom for him now, and…

273
00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:26,500
Well, I'm Muslim,
I got three slots open, so…

274
00:14:26,583 --> 00:14:27,958
[audience laughing]

275
00:14:33,708 --> 00:14:36,875
She makes me do that joke,
my wife loves that joke.

276
00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:39,083
I'm not even fucking around,
she loves that.

277
00:14:39,166 --> 00:14:40,875
She absolutely loves that joke.

278
00:14:40,958 --> 00:14:43,875
And we were in Doha,
I was doing a show for 5,000 people.

279
00:14:43,958 --> 00:14:45,375
Before I go on stage she's like,

280
00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:48,625
"You have to tell this joke,
you have to, it's going to kill."

281
00:14:48,708 --> 00:14:52,208
I was like, "First of all, you don't know
shit about stand-up comedy, okay?"

282
00:14:52,916 --> 00:14:54,416
"Second of all, geographically,

283
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:56,791
this is the worst location
I could do this joke in."

284
00:14:56,875 --> 00:14:57,833
[audience laughing]

285
00:14:57,916 --> 00:15:01,416
She was like, "Why?" I was like,
"Because all the wives are there. Yeah."

286
00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:05,250
But I do it just to appease her.

287
00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:10,250
And nothing, not a single laugh.
And all of a sudden I hear… [chuckles]

288
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,625
And I look over and it's my wife.
I was like "Oh, great."

289
00:15:14,833 --> 00:15:16,500
"Thanks a lot honey, awesome."

290
00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:23,166
It's wild, because she got pregnant
and I got all the symptoms, it's crazy.

291
00:15:23,250 --> 00:15:26,083
It's a real thing,
it's called sympathy symptoms.

292
00:15:26,166 --> 00:15:28,416
I had all of them.
She got pregnant, I got nausea,

293
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,916
I had diarrhea,
I was vomiting all the time.

294
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,666
She was perfectly fine, she was jogging,
doing fucking yoga and shit.

295
00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:36,833
Perfectly fine,
every morning I'd be vomiting.

296
00:15:36,916 --> 00:15:38,416
[retching]

297
00:15:39,916 --> 00:15:41,416
She'd walk up, "Are you okay?"

298
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:43,791
I was like, "Bitch, I'm pregnant,
have some sympathy."

299
00:15:43,875 --> 00:15:44,916
[audience laughing]

300
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,958
"Are your titties sore?
Because I feel weird."

301
00:15:49,250 --> 00:15:52,291
It was wild,
all my symptoms went away though

302
00:15:52,375 --> 00:15:55,291
the moment I heard
my baby's heartbeat, it's true.

303
00:15:55,375 --> 00:15:59,166
All of them. You say "aw." I was relieved,
I was like, "I can go back to smoking."

304
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,583
I was like, "Thank God."

305
00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:03,958
I was like,
"You're pregnant, I'm not pregnant."

306
00:16:04,041 --> 00:16:07,583
And then I locked in the doctor
and the hospital as you're supposed to,

307
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:10,750
and then she starts talking
to her rich white friend Denise.

308
00:16:10,833 --> 00:16:14,958
And Denise was like,
"You need to get a doula and a midwife

309
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:17,166
and have a natural home birth, okay?"

310
00:16:17,250 --> 00:16:21,333
I was like, "You can't trust Denise.
She wears shoes inside of the house

311
00:16:21,416 --> 00:16:24,500
and no shoes outside of the house.
You can't trust this bitch."

312
00:16:24,583 --> 00:16:26,041
[audience cheering]

313
00:16:31,708 --> 00:16:34,458
I didn't want to alter anything,
"We're keeping the doctor."

314
00:16:34,541 --> 00:16:38,166
We'll go meet this doula and midwife,
they were highly reputable.

315
00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:42,500
However, we walked in and they go,
"Welcome to midwifery services."

316
00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:46,583
Which the word midwifery, quite frankly,
is a little off-putting. You know?

317
00:16:46,666 --> 00:16:51,541
It just feels like some sorcery
is involved or something. Midwifery!

318
00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:55,458
I don't know, it's just weird. But then
also, they're wearing football jerseys

319
00:16:55,541 --> 00:16:58,041
that say "number one home birther"
on the back of it.

320
00:16:58,125 --> 00:16:59,625
Like, "This is what we're doing?"

321
00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:02,791
"We're gonna have Tom Brady
delivering our baby? This is weird."

322
00:17:02,875 --> 00:17:06,083
But we went along with it,
we hired them, but they didn't prep me.

323
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:09,791
They didn't say, "Hey, Mo, this is what
you do the moment the contraction hits."

324
00:17:09,875 --> 00:17:10,875
Nothing. I just hear…

325
00:17:10,958 --> 00:17:12,458
[grunting]

326
00:17:17,666 --> 00:17:19,500
I think the home is possessed.

327
00:17:19,583 --> 00:17:20,458
I start praying.

328
00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:23,500
[in Arabic] I seek God's protection.
There is no power except through God.

329
00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:27,875
[in English] Lighting incense and sage.
I'm like, whatever works in this bitch.

330
00:17:27,958 --> 00:17:30,333
And I walk in
and she's mid-contraction. She's…

331
00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:32,250
[groans]

332
00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:36,166
And I ask the dumbest question possible.
"Is it time?"

333
00:17:37,041 --> 00:17:38,916
She's like, "What the hell do you think?"

334
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,375
I was like, "Sorry."
I get on the phone, I was like,

335
00:17:41,458 --> 00:17:43,291
"Hello, midwifery bitches, listen."

336
00:17:43,375 --> 00:17:44,875
[audience laughing]

337
00:17:44,958 --> 00:17:47,500
"She's having contractions,
I don't know what to do."

338
00:17:47,583 --> 00:17:49,541
"Call back
when they're five minutes apart."

339
00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:51,750
I said, "Fantastic." I hung up the phone.

340
00:17:51,833 --> 00:17:54,541
I went back in the room,
she starts to have another contraction.

341
00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:56,916
[groans]

342
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,500
So I started to give advice.

343
00:17:58,583 --> 00:18:01,583
I was like,
"Honey, spread those knees apart, okay?"

344
00:18:01,666 --> 00:18:04,375
"Loosen up them hips,
spread those knees apart."

345
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:07,541
She goes, "You don't know
what the hell you're talking about!"

346
00:18:07,625 --> 00:18:09,291
I was like, "You right."

347
00:18:10,291 --> 00:18:12,500
"I don't know
what the hell I'm talking about,

348
00:18:12,583 --> 00:18:14,125
but this is what you wanted."

349
00:18:14,708 --> 00:18:16,583
"You wanted to have a natural home birth,

350
00:18:16,666 --> 00:18:19,916
and now you have a comedian delivering
our baby. That's what's happening."

351
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,291
[audience laughing]

352
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,625
"Knock knock, who's there?"
"Mo Amer, that's who's here."

353
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:30,333
"I'm not trying to be an asshole. If your
knees touch, nothing's gonna come out!"

354
00:18:31,375 --> 00:18:33,041
And then she has another contraction

355
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:35,750
and she does this odd
surfer-like motion, she goes…

356
00:18:35,833 --> 00:18:37,500
[groans]

357
00:18:38,125 --> 00:18:41,500
So I just go, "That's right, baby,
ride it like a wave, like this."

358
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,375
She goes, "You don't know
what you're talking about!"

359
00:18:44,458 --> 00:18:48,458
I'm like, "You right." I get on the phone,
I was like, "Midwifery bitches, listen."

360
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:52,041
"Put on your jerseys, it's game time."

361
00:18:52,125 --> 00:18:53,625
[audience laughing]

362
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:00,541
Sure enough,

363
00:19:00,625 --> 00:19:02,750
they show up with their jerseys on.

364
00:19:03,666 --> 00:19:06,333
The doula and the midwife
walk into the bedroom.

365
00:19:06,416 --> 00:19:08,791
Moments later,
my wife starts another contraction.

366
00:19:08,875 --> 00:19:10,500
[groans]

367
00:19:11,041 --> 00:19:16,000
The doula goes, "Baby, you gotta spread
those knees apart. Loosen up them hips."

368
00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:19,166
My wife goes, "Don't you say anything."

369
00:19:19,791 --> 00:19:22,500
I was like, "I'm not saying anything,"
she does the surfer thing. Goes…

370
00:19:22,583 --> 00:19:24,208
[groans]

371
00:19:24,291 --> 00:19:27,666
And the doula goes, "That's right, baby,
ride it like a wave, like this."

372
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,666
I couldn't help myself, I was like,
"I fucking told you!" And I walked out.

373
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:36,500
I started smoking a joint,
I'm not gonna lie, I went outside.

374
00:19:36,583 --> 00:19:39,375
I was like,
"This is overwhelming, what are we doing?"

375
00:19:40,625 --> 00:19:43,708
This poor woman, for 27 hours

376
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:44,666
[audience gasps]

377
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,250
with no epidural

378
00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:47,208
[audience gasps]

379
00:19:47,291 --> 00:19:50,750
stuck at six centimeters
the last seven hours.

380
00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,583
Okay, she was twerking with no music on.

381
00:19:53,666 --> 00:19:56,208
She's lost complete control of her legs.

382
00:19:56,291 --> 00:19:57,541
[groans]

383
00:19:57,625 --> 00:20:01,375
I was like, "You keep twerking like that,
I'll get you pregnant again, sweetheart."

384
00:20:02,041 --> 00:20:03,958
I didn't say it,
but I thought it. [chuckles]

385
00:20:04,708 --> 00:20:07,500
I called an audible, was like,
"Game over, midwifery bitches."

386
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:09,791
"I'm taking her to the hospital,
this is absurd."

387
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,416
I wheel her in, nurse sees me,
goes, "What's going on?"

388
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:15,791
I was like, "We've been in labor 27 hours,
she's stuck at six centimeters

389
00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:19,375
the last 7 hours." She's like, "How do
you know?" I was like, "I'm the nurse."

390
00:20:19,458 --> 00:20:21,916
She's like, "My God,
we have to get her in right away."

391
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,916
"We have to give her an epidural,
it needs to be sanitized."

392
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:28,083
"So you need to leave."
I was like, "Fantastic."

393
00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:31,750
I went outside in front of the hospital,
lit another joint, I'm so stressed out.

394
00:20:32,416 --> 00:20:37,541
[chuckles] And then she texted me from
the hospital bed. She goes, "Oh my God."

395
00:20:37,625 --> 00:20:39,500
"I feel so much better."

396
00:20:39,583 --> 00:20:44,250
"I'm having a contraction
as I'm texting you and I feel nothing."

397
00:20:44,750 --> 00:20:49,916
And this part really pissed me off,
she goes, "Oh my God, <i>we </i>are so stupid."

398
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,333
[audience laughing]

399
00:20:53,041 --> 00:20:57,250
I saw red, I was like, "<i>We? </i>How dare you
fucking lump me into this shit?"

400
00:20:57,333 --> 00:20:59,541
"I tried to talk you out
of this midwifery shit."

401
00:20:59,625 --> 00:21:01,750
"Delete."

402
00:21:01,833 --> 00:21:03,166
[audience laughing]

403
00:21:03,250 --> 00:21:05,083
It's not the move.

404
00:21:05,166 --> 00:21:06,708
[audience cheering]

405
00:21:11,458 --> 00:21:15,666
I was like, "Honey, I wanted to
support you in your home birth journey."

406
00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,416
"But I knew it was a massive red flag

407
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:21,500
when they were wearing
fucking football jerseys!"

408
00:21:21,583 --> 00:21:23,916
"Delete."

409
00:21:24,458 --> 00:21:28,041
I was like, "Honey, I'm happy
you're happy." Send. That was the move.

410
00:21:28,125 --> 00:21:30,125
[audience cheering]

411
00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:37,916
I get up to the hospital room,
now we're both high, you know?

412
00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:42,333
She's like, "Hey." I'm like, "Hey."

413
00:21:44,708 --> 00:21:46,208
Then she does it again, she goes,

414
00:21:46,291 --> 00:21:50,500
"So much better, we're so stupid."
I was like, "Yeah, we're so stupid."

415
00:21:50,583 --> 00:21:52,250
[audience laughing]

416
00:21:54,333 --> 00:21:57,041
This poor woman again,
stuck at six centimeters,

417
00:21:57,125 --> 00:21:59,208
almost another seven hours go by.

418
00:21:59,291 --> 00:22:02,833
Finally, our doctor shows up,
she goes, "We have to get the baby out."

419
00:22:02,916 --> 00:22:05,583
I was like, "Yeah, no shit,
we have to get the baby out."

420
00:22:05,666 --> 00:22:07,500
"Breaking news, we have to get the baby,

421
00:22:07,583 --> 00:22:10,875
it's the whole purpose of this exercise
is to get the baby out."

422
00:22:10,958 --> 00:22:13,625
She's like, "Calm down,
but we have to do a C-section."

423
00:22:13,708 --> 00:22:17,500
It's like, "Whatever's best for my wife
and baby, that's all I care about."

424
00:22:17,583 --> 00:22:19,625
And then she introduces another doctor.

425
00:22:19,708 --> 00:22:24,000
And she goes, "He'll be assisting me in
the birth of your son and the procedure."

426
00:22:24,083 --> 00:22:26,291
And I looked at him,
and he's wearing a yarmulke.

427
00:22:26,375 --> 00:22:29,875
And I'm like,
"This is a setup, it's a setup!"

428
00:22:30,791 --> 00:22:33,583
"Mossad's trying to take my Palestinian
baby is what's happening!"

429
00:22:33,666 --> 00:22:35,083
[audience laughing]

430
00:22:35,166 --> 00:22:38,375
I hate that I feel this way.
And then he walks up and he goes,

431
00:22:38,458 --> 00:22:39,458
[in Arabic] "Peace be upon you."

432
00:22:39,541 --> 00:22:42,625
[in English] I was like, "That's exactly
what I would say if I was Mossad, yeah."

433
00:22:42,708 --> 00:22:43,916
[audience laughing]

434
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,041
[in Arabic] "And peace be unto you."

435
00:22:49,875 --> 00:22:51,125
[in English] Then he walks over,

436
00:22:51,208 --> 00:22:53,416
he starts to have
a conversation with my wife,

437
00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:56,875
but he's really speaking to me.
I caught it, he goes,

438
00:22:56,958 --> 00:23:01,708
"Listen, as a Moroccan Jew, I'm just here
to assist in the birth of your son."

439
00:23:01,791 --> 00:23:05,333
"Again, as a Moroccan Jew
who believes in God,

440
00:23:05,416 --> 00:23:08,291
I'm just here to assist
in the birth of your son."

441
00:23:08,375 --> 00:23:10,166
I was like, "I see what you're doing."

442
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:14,708
"You walked in, you know I'm Palestinian,
can't have this political conversation."

443
00:23:14,791 --> 00:23:17,708
{\an8}"You said, 'Salaam alaikum,'
take the edge off, walked to my wife

444
00:23:17,791 --> 00:23:20,708
said you're a Moroccan Jew,
let me know, 'I'm from North Africa.'

445
00:23:20,791 --> 00:23:24,000
'I'm almost Arab, but I'm not Arab,
almost Arab, but I'm kind of Arab.'

446
00:23:24,791 --> 00:23:26,875
'I am Jewish, but not Zionist,
is that cool?'"

447
00:23:26,958 --> 00:23:30,291
I was like, "Fuck it, cool, but I'm
watching you, Dr. Mossad."

448
00:23:31,166 --> 00:23:33,708
And then they give me
the one-size-fits-all scrubs.

449
00:23:33,791 --> 00:23:36,541
Which is a lie,
it's not one-size-fits-all at all.

450
00:23:36,625 --> 00:23:39,416
I'm just walking in like this
into the delivery room.

451
00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,250
And I watched the entire
C-section like a psycho.

452
00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:45,625
They said no one has ever done this
in the history of all the procedures.

453
00:23:45,708 --> 00:23:47,375
Like I knew what they were doing.

454
00:23:47,458 --> 00:23:50,583
I was like, "Is that a kidney?
She has two, move that out of the way."

455
00:23:50,666 --> 00:23:52,458
"Good, just take it out of there."

456
00:23:52,541 --> 00:23:55,250
They brought out my son,
and they're like, "Take a picture."

457
00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:59,250
I was like, "I don't want to take
a picture." He's like, "Take a picture."

458
00:23:59,333 --> 00:24:00,458
I was like, "Bro!"

459
00:24:00,541 --> 00:24:04,125
"My Palestinian baby's been stuck
at this checkpoint last 40 hours."

460
00:24:04,208 --> 00:24:05,958
[audience laughing]

461
00:24:10,375 --> 00:24:12,416
"There's no time for photos."

462
00:24:13,208 --> 00:24:15,541
So I cleaned him up,
and I brought him to his mom.

463
00:24:15,625 --> 00:24:18,541
And she was in tears,
and I thought I would be overwhelmed.

464
00:24:18,625 --> 00:24:21,125
And nothing. I felt nothing,
I was trying, I was like…

465
00:24:21,208 --> 00:24:22,333
[grunting]

466
00:24:22,416 --> 00:24:23,958
Nothing happened. [chuckles]

467
00:24:24,041 --> 00:24:28,208
And apparently this is true.
For men, it happens much later.

468
00:24:28,291 --> 00:24:31,916
Thankfully for me, it happened that night
when I did the skin-to-skin.

469
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,875
I put him on my chest, and I lost my shit.

470
00:24:34,958 --> 00:24:37,541
I just completely lost it,
I was like, "Oh my God."

471
00:24:38,291 --> 00:24:40,958
"Oh my God, it's a real baby."

472
00:24:41,791 --> 00:24:44,750
"I got to get my 401K together,
<i>habibi</i>, I got to get it together."

473
00:24:44,833 --> 00:24:46,500
[audience laughing]

474
00:24:46,583 --> 00:24:49,375
"Baba's going to take care of you.
Don't you worry, <i>habibi</i>."

475
00:24:50,250 --> 00:24:53,333
"I want to let you know
I named you after your great-grandfather."

476
00:24:53,416 --> 00:24:56,500
"And your grandfather,
and your great-great-great-grandfather."

477
00:24:56,583 --> 00:24:59,875
"And your great-great… You have,
like, seven Muslim names, <i>habibi.</i>"

478
00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:02,708
"It's going to be really hard for you
growing up in America."

479
00:25:02,791 --> 00:25:04,958
"It's going to be so hard." [sobbing]

480
00:25:05,041 --> 00:25:08,708
"But you're going to know
exactly where you come from, <i>habibi.</i>"

481
00:25:08,791 --> 00:25:11,833
And the nurse walks in, she goes,
"Are you okay?" I was like, "I'm fine."

482
00:25:11,916 --> 00:25:13,458
[sobbing]

483
00:25:13,541 --> 00:25:16,416
"I'm fine, I just, you know,
in the beginning of the pregnancy,

484
00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:18,541
I had all the symptoms. You know?"

485
00:25:18,625 --> 00:25:20,125
[audience laughing]

486
00:25:20,208 --> 00:25:24,583
"I had nausea, diarrhea, I had everything.
And I didn't feel anything."

487
00:25:24,666 --> 00:25:28,875
"Until now, it's all hitting me
like a train all at one time."

488
00:25:28,958 --> 00:25:31,708
"And I named him after
his great-great-grandfather."

489
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:32,791
[in Arabic] "Praise God."

490
00:25:32,875 --> 00:25:34,791
[in English] "He looks like
his great-grandfather."

491
00:25:34,875 --> 00:25:39,416
{\an8}"You don't know what <i>subhanallah </i>means,
but I'll show you a picture later."

492
00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:42,416
She's like, "No, he's sucking
on your titty." I was like, "Oh God."

493
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,083
[audience laughing]

494
00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:47,833
"Let's get him some milk," I said. Yeah.

495
00:25:48,375 --> 00:25:51,250
And that's how my son Ali was born, guys.

496
00:25:51,333 --> 00:25:52,708
[audience cheering]

497
00:26:00,791 --> 00:26:02,291
Little Alilushi.

498
00:26:03,250 --> 00:26:05,500
And I did give him seven names.

499
00:26:05,583 --> 00:26:07,125
I was very deliberate about this.

500
00:26:07,208 --> 00:26:10,750
Because I want him to know
exactly where he comes from.

501
00:26:10,833 --> 00:26:13,208
- It's very important.
- [audience cheering]

502
00:26:13,291 --> 00:26:15,208
It's very, very important.

503
00:26:16,250 --> 00:26:19,416
And that's why I put it
in the last episode of Season 2.

504
00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:22,250
My teacher said,
"Name your great-grandfather

505
00:26:22,333 --> 00:26:26,166
from your father's side."
And I couldn't name him. I had names,

506
00:26:26,250 --> 00:26:27,916
but I couldn't exactly pinpoint it.

507
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:33,083
And he goes, "This is the lineage that you
come from. How easily are you erased?"

508
00:26:33,166 --> 00:26:35,000
I was like, "Bars!"

509
00:26:36,041 --> 00:26:39,125
So I made it my whole purpose
to understand where I come from.

510
00:26:39,208 --> 00:26:42,875
I take it so seriously
that in Season 2 of the last episode

511
00:26:42,958 --> 00:26:47,791
every cutaway that you see in Palestine
is our actual village of Burin.

512
00:26:47,875 --> 00:26:50,250
- It's where we come from.
- [audience cheering]

513
00:26:51,041 --> 00:26:52,250
Because…

514
00:26:52,875 --> 00:26:54,875
Because it's like a historical archive.

515
00:26:54,958 --> 00:26:58,250
No matter what happens,
my son can look at that and say,

516
00:26:58,333 --> 00:27:01,250
"This is where I come from."
You understand?

517
00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:03,583
- It's very important.
- [audience cheering]

518
00:27:04,166 --> 00:27:05,000
Yes.

519
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,166
And I've always been myself.

520
00:27:08,250 --> 00:27:12,500
I started stand-up as a 14-year-old kid
in the South, okay?

521
00:27:12,583 --> 00:27:15,875
Most places I went to
have never even seen an Arab person.

522
00:27:15,958 --> 00:27:17,666
And I've always been myself.

523
00:27:17,750 --> 00:27:21,750
And very early on in my career,
I was encouraged to change my name.

524
00:27:21,833 --> 00:27:25,208
And go to L.A.,
and don't tell them you're Palestinian.

525
00:27:25,291 --> 00:27:29,250
That was a big thing. I was like, I could
never do that, I would lose myself.

526
00:27:29,333 --> 00:27:32,958
However, after 9/11, I was Italian
for a solid two months, okay?

527
00:27:33,041 --> 00:27:34,458
[audience laughing]

528
00:27:36,541 --> 00:27:38,666
It was just for a couple of months.

529
00:27:40,166 --> 00:27:42,458
Because I've always felt
like a fish out of water.

530
00:27:42,541 --> 00:27:44,958
I'm sure a lot of you
can relate, you know?

531
00:27:45,041 --> 00:27:47,625
I was born in Kuwait,
I went to a New English School.

532
00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:51,958
Which is a British English school.
And I spoke with a British accent.

533
00:27:52,041 --> 00:27:53,333
Which means I got to America

534
00:27:53,416 --> 00:27:56,208
and I got my ass kicked immediately,
you understand?

535
00:27:56,291 --> 00:27:58,291
I showed up to school,
[in British accent] "Hello!"

536
00:27:58,375 --> 00:27:59,916
You know what I mean? It was that.

537
00:28:00,583 --> 00:28:04,458
I had no concept of cool,
wear this and don't wear that.

538
00:28:04,541 --> 00:28:06,250
I had nothing, okay?

539
00:28:06,333 --> 00:28:09,958
And I'm so blessed that I met
these two friends that put me on the game.

540
00:28:10,041 --> 00:28:13,625
It was Bruce, who was Black,
and Jose, who was Mexican.

541
00:28:13,708 --> 00:28:17,083
And Bruce, I found out very quickly
about Black people

542
00:28:17,166 --> 00:28:19,625
that if there's a truth
that needs to be told,

543
00:28:19,708 --> 00:28:21,916
if you're fucking up with your attire,

544
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,625
you will get scolded
in front of the entire school, okay?

545
00:28:25,708 --> 00:28:28,833
I didn't know this, I would show up
to school with the wrong shoes

546
00:28:28,916 --> 00:28:31,416
and Bruce would be like, "Oh shit!"

547
00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:33,833
"Everybody gather around."

548
00:28:33,916 --> 00:28:35,666
"Jose, come see your boy."

549
00:28:36,500 --> 00:28:40,666
"Moe's wearing Pro Wings, they're from
Payless. They're 13.99, he's poor."

550
00:28:40,750 --> 00:28:42,541
I was like, [in British accent] "Oh."

551
00:28:43,333 --> 00:28:45,583
I was like, "Oh, I'm poor?"
You know what I mean?

552
00:28:45,666 --> 00:28:47,458
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

553
00:28:48,250 --> 00:28:50,000
But Jose was a little bit more tender.

554
00:28:50,083 --> 00:28:52,416
He was a little bit nicer
when I was fucking up.

555
00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:55,166
I'd be wearing the wrong thing,
and Jose would walk up like,

556
00:28:55,250 --> 00:28:56,291
"Bro, like,

557
00:28:57,166 --> 00:28:59,083
you look like a bitch, bro."

558
00:28:59,166 --> 00:29:00,541
[audience laughing]

559
00:29:01,041 --> 00:29:03,291
"Who the hell dressed you, bro?"

560
00:29:03,375 --> 00:29:06,458
"I'm not gonna lie, I wanna
slap the shit out of you right now, bro."

561
00:29:06,541 --> 00:29:09,041
"Listen, we can't play today, okay?"

562
00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:12,041
"But maybe tomorrow, okay?
Maybe tomorrow."

563
00:29:12,125 --> 00:29:15,083
"Listen, I'm gonna walk away,
don't fist bump me, okay?"

564
00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:17,625
It was like that.

565
00:29:17,708 --> 00:29:21,500
And I didn't realize that British English
was very different from American English.

566
00:29:21,583 --> 00:29:24,583
So I would really fuck myself
pretty regularly, right?

567
00:29:24,666 --> 00:29:28,083
My brother got me a little kitten
to help with, like, PTSD.

568
00:29:28,166 --> 00:29:30,625
Well, the issue is that
I spoke British English.

569
00:29:30,708 --> 00:29:32,333
At home, I would never say "cat,"

570
00:29:32,416 --> 00:29:36,208
I would say "Here, pussy. Here, pussy."

571
00:29:36,291 --> 00:29:39,791
And no one corrected me at home.
I was just, "Here, pussy."

572
00:29:40,541 --> 00:29:43,250
So I decide, at recess,

573
00:29:43,333 --> 00:29:46,750
to disclose this new information
to my friend Bruce.

574
00:29:46,833 --> 00:29:50,000
I walk up to him, I was like,
[in British accent] "Bruce, guess what."

575
00:29:50,083 --> 00:29:51,416
And Bruce was like, "What?"

576
00:29:51,500 --> 00:29:53,916
[in British accent]
"I have a pussy, isn't it fantastic?"

577
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:54,958
[audience laughing]

578
00:29:55,041 --> 00:29:57,291
He was like, "What? What'd you say, man?"

579
00:29:58,208 --> 00:30:00,000
"I don't think I heard you correctly."

580
00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:03,541
[in British accent] "I have a pussy,
it's small and fluffy, you wanna see it?"

581
00:30:05,041 --> 00:30:08,458
Bruce, immediately,
"Everybody gather around."

582
00:30:08,541 --> 00:30:11,333
"Jose, come see your boy." [chuckles]

583
00:30:11,416 --> 00:30:14,666
In front of the whole school,
he was like, "Mo, do you have a pussy?"

584
00:30:14,750 --> 00:30:18,333
I was like, [in British accent]
"Yes, I have a pussy, isn't it fantastic?"

585
00:30:18,416 --> 00:30:20,958
And Jose lost his mind,
he was like, "What, bro?"

586
00:30:21,041 --> 00:30:23,083
[in Spanish] "Are you serious?
You have a vagina?"

587
00:30:23,166 --> 00:30:24,583
{\an8}[in English] "For real, bro? Like…"

588
00:30:24,666 --> 00:30:28,541
[in Spanish] "You've been my friend
and I didn't know you had a vagina?"

589
00:30:28,625 --> 00:30:30,666
{\an8}[in English] "Is that for real, bro?"

590
00:30:30,750 --> 00:30:33,000
[in Spanish] "You kidding me?"

591
00:30:33,583 --> 00:30:36,666
[in English] Then he paused and he goes,
"Can I see it, bro?"

592
00:30:36,750 --> 00:30:38,333
[audience laughing]

593
00:30:39,708 --> 00:30:41,458
I'm so innocent, I didn't know better.

594
00:30:41,541 --> 00:30:44,666
[in British accent] "You have to come to
my house if you want to see my pussy."

595
00:30:45,250 --> 00:30:47,083
Horribly traumatizing.

596
00:30:47,583 --> 00:30:52,125
I started stand-up at a very young age.
And I toured all throughout the South.

597
00:30:52,208 --> 00:30:55,375
And I'm dead serious, I was
their first interaction of an Arab person

598
00:30:55,458 --> 00:30:58,666
most of the time,
like a high percentage of the time.

599
00:30:58,750 --> 00:31:01,083
To the point where people
were shocked in the South.

600
00:31:01,166 --> 00:31:03,458
They'd walk up and be like,
"You sure you're Arab?"

601
00:31:04,166 --> 00:31:05,375
"You don't look Arab."

602
00:31:05,958 --> 00:31:08,375
Should I have
a camel with me all the time?

603
00:31:08,958 --> 00:31:12,083
Is that one of the main markers
of being an Arab?

604
00:31:12,166 --> 00:31:13,708
You have a camel just, "Excuse me,

605
00:31:13,791 --> 00:31:16,041
coming through with my camel,
just being Arab."

606
00:31:16,125 --> 00:31:19,250
"Don't pet him, he bites."
You know what I mean? Like, what the fuck?

607
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:21,583
It's so odd, all right?

608
00:31:21,666 --> 00:31:23,291
And I was doing shows pre-9/11

609
00:31:23,375 --> 00:31:28,583
and then post-9/11, around 2003,
I get a call to go to Houma, Louisiana.

610
00:31:28,666 --> 00:31:33,458
Which is just shy of New Orleans.
Straight-up Cajun hick country.

611
00:31:33,541 --> 00:31:36,375
This guy calls me up, he goes,
[in Southern accent] "Hello!"

612
00:31:36,458 --> 00:31:38,458
"Is this Mo Amer?"

613
00:31:38,541 --> 00:31:40,000
[audience laughing]

614
00:31:42,083 --> 00:31:43,708
I said, "Yes, this is Mo--"

615
00:31:43,791 --> 00:31:47,666
[in Southern accent] "Boy, I done heard
a lot of good things about you, baby."

616
00:31:47,750 --> 00:31:48,750
"Uh-huh."

617
00:31:48,833 --> 00:31:50,166
"Liten here."

618
00:31:50,250 --> 00:31:53,791
This guy didn't say one S
the entire conversation.

619
00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:59,333
He was like, "Liten here, I own a club
here called the Lanya Muted Cafe."

620
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:03,166
I was like, "Music?"
He go, "That right, Muted Cafe."

621
00:32:04,333 --> 00:32:07,166
"We gonna do comedy here on Wenday night."

622
00:32:07,250 --> 00:32:08,625
I was like, "Wednesday night?"

623
00:32:08,708 --> 00:32:11,583
He go, "That right, Wenday night."

624
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,208
He go, "You come on down."

625
00:32:14,291 --> 00:32:17,000
"I only got one hotel room, though,
with two beds."

626
00:32:17,083 --> 00:32:19,166
"So you can bring your own opening act."

627
00:32:19,250 --> 00:32:21,250
I was like,
"Okay, how much you gonna pay?"

628
00:32:21,333 --> 00:32:23,750
He goes, "I'm gonna pay you about $1,000."

629
00:32:23,833 --> 00:32:27,000
I was like, "Shit, baby,
I'm on my way, uh-huh."

630
00:32:27,875 --> 00:32:29,791
"Me and my camel heading out east."

631
00:32:29,875 --> 00:32:31,458
[audience laughing]

632
00:32:34,250 --> 00:32:36,166
I was very excited, you know.

633
00:32:36,250 --> 00:32:41,125
2003, make 1,000 bucks in one night.
So I called up my friend Gary Bell.

634
00:32:41,208 --> 00:32:44,791
He's a comedian who lives
right on the border of Texas, Louisiana.

635
00:32:44,875 --> 00:32:48,000
And he also [in Southern accent]
"Talk like this, yeah."

636
00:32:48,083 --> 00:32:50,375
And I booked him,
not because he's funny, he's not.

637
00:32:50,458 --> 00:32:54,000
He's a horrible comedian, never gonna
make it, never had a chance of making it.

638
00:32:54,083 --> 00:32:58,000
This is the most famous he'll get,
is me talking shit about him on stage.

639
00:32:58,916 --> 00:33:01,583
But I brought him
as a layer of protection, you know.

640
00:33:01,666 --> 00:33:05,791
Just in case some shit goes down, he could
be like, "Nah, y'all leave him alone."

641
00:33:05,875 --> 00:33:08,125
"He a regular Mohammed here."
You know, that's

642
00:33:08,958 --> 00:33:12,291
the only reason I booked him,
and he knew that.

643
00:33:12,791 --> 00:33:18,041
We get there, we check into the hotel,
we go to the Lanyard Muted Cafe.

644
00:33:18,625 --> 00:33:22,291
Gary Bell goes on stage
and they immediately hate him.

645
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:26,000
One guy goes,
"Who booked him, motherfucker?" Like this.

646
00:33:27,250 --> 00:33:29,750
Gary starts to freak out,
he wants to be more relatable.

647
00:33:29,833 --> 00:33:31,791
He goes, "Y'all ever been hunting?"

648
00:33:31,875 --> 00:33:35,416
A guy goes, "I'm gonna kill you
off this stage right now."

649
00:33:36,833 --> 00:33:39,416
I had to go on the stage
and take the mic from Gary.

650
00:33:39,500 --> 00:33:42,333
The only time
I've ever done this in my entire career.

651
00:33:42,416 --> 00:33:44,500
I do my set, I'm killing.

652
00:33:44,583 --> 00:33:47,041
I was like, "It's definitely you, Gary,
not the crowd."

653
00:33:47,875 --> 00:33:50,583
I walk off stage,
the club owner gives me $1,000.

654
00:33:50,666 --> 00:33:52,958
I'm like, "I am rich."

655
00:33:53,041 --> 00:33:57,125
Then I turn around, and I see a detective
and a police officer standing there.

656
00:33:57,208 --> 00:33:59,791
And the detective goes, "Come here, boy."

657
00:33:59,875 --> 00:34:03,500
And historically, nothing good
comes after, "Come here, boy."

658
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:06,166
And this scenario was no different, right?

659
00:34:06,250 --> 00:34:08,541
He goes,
"Can I have your driver's license?"

660
00:34:08,625 --> 00:34:11,458
I was like, "Yeah, here you go,
here's my driver's license."

661
00:34:11,541 --> 00:34:14,791
And he calls it in, he goes,

662
00:34:14,875 --> 00:34:19,208
"Driver's license number one, two, seven,
nine, seven, six, two, seven." Like this.

663
00:34:19,291 --> 00:34:22,333
And the lady immediately called back,
"Yep, that him."

664
00:34:22,416 --> 00:34:24,375
I was like, "That him?"

665
00:34:25,625 --> 00:34:27,791
"Yep, that you." I was like, "That me?"

666
00:34:29,083 --> 00:34:30,750
"Yep, that you." "You sure it's me?"

667
00:34:30,833 --> 00:34:34,708
I was like, "Yeah, that you." I was like,
"Who is me, who is you, who is we?"

668
00:34:34,791 --> 00:34:36,541
"We all one." Right?

669
00:34:36,625 --> 00:34:39,250
He was like, "Nah, baby, just you."
I was like, "Oh shit."

670
00:34:39,333 --> 00:34:43,208
And he takes me outside and there's, like,
a dozen police officers waiting for me.

671
00:34:43,291 --> 00:34:45,708
There's six squad cars,
all their lights are on.

672
00:34:45,791 --> 00:34:48,166
The crowd's now starting
to gather from the show.

673
00:34:48,250 --> 00:34:52,500
Another cop pulls up and rolls down
the window, he goes, "Is that him?"

674
00:34:52,583 --> 00:34:57,625
I'm like, "Is that you, Jebediah?"
What the fuck is going on, right?

675
00:34:58,458 --> 00:35:00,541
Now another detective
walks up to me, he goes,

676
00:35:00,625 --> 00:35:03,875
"What are you doing here
In Houma, Louisiana?"

677
00:35:03,958 --> 00:35:06,666
And I'm standing there
next to the marquee that says

678
00:35:06,750 --> 00:35:10,291
"Now appearing, Mo Amer, at 8 p.m."

679
00:35:10,375 --> 00:35:12,333
And it has my picture, I'm like,

680
00:35:12,416 --> 00:35:15,833
"Bro, I don't know about
your previous investigations, but…

681
00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:20,875
this is the worst detective job
you've ever done, all right?"

682
00:35:20,958 --> 00:35:22,250
Now the crowd's chiming in,

683
00:35:22,333 --> 00:35:25,750
"Leave him alone, he was funny."
One guy said.

684
00:35:25,833 --> 00:35:28,291
Then another guy goes,
"If you're gonna arrest anybody,

685
00:35:28,375 --> 00:35:31,291
you need to arrest
that motherfucker Gary Bell."

686
00:35:31,375 --> 00:35:32,958
[audience laughing]

687
00:35:33,875 --> 00:35:36,208
"For impersonating a comedian."

688
00:35:37,666 --> 00:35:39,750
And then I was like,
"Where the hell is Gary?"

689
00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:43,625
"This is precisely the scenario
I brought his bitch ass for."

690
00:35:44,125 --> 00:35:48,083
"And he's nowhere to be found."
Right? [chuckles]

691
00:35:48,166 --> 00:35:51,500
It's crazy, then the cop goes,
"What were you doing in Japan and Korea?"

692
00:35:51,583 --> 00:35:53,208
I was like, "Wait, time-out."

693
00:35:53,291 --> 00:35:56,625
"How the fuck do you know
I even went to Japan and Korea?"

694
00:35:56,708 --> 00:35:59,916
He goes,
"Well, we done searched your room."

695
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,666
I was like,
"Oh man, you searched my room."

696
00:36:02,750 --> 00:36:05,375
"Wow, this is going to
blow your mind, okay?"

697
00:36:05,458 --> 00:36:09,125
"Because outside of Houma,
there's a whole another world out there."

698
00:36:09,666 --> 00:36:11,583
"I had a dream as a kid to be a comedian."

699
00:36:11,666 --> 00:36:14,750
"And that dream has already
taken me to Japan and Korea."

700
00:36:14,833 --> 00:36:17,458
"And most of those shows
were actually for U.S. troops."

701
00:36:17,541 --> 00:36:20,958
"Because I said to myself, after 9/11,
I was so scared to be myself."

702
00:36:21,041 --> 00:36:22,833
"If I could be myself in front of them,

703
00:36:22,916 --> 00:36:26,541
I could be myself in front of anybody.
That's what I was doing."

704
00:36:26,625 --> 00:36:28,250
[audience cheering]

705
00:36:34,083 --> 00:36:36,625
His brain melted.
I was like, "I know what you think."

706
00:36:36,708 --> 00:36:38,041
"You think I'm a terrorist."

707
00:36:38,125 --> 00:36:42,083
"You think I came to Houma, Louisiana…

708
00:36:43,125 --> 00:36:44,500
[audience laughs]

709
00:36:44,583 --> 00:36:46,291
of all the targets in America."

710
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,333
"Listen, man, if I was a terrorist

711
00:36:50,416 --> 00:36:53,083
and I showed up with a bomb
to Houma, Louisiana,

712
00:36:53,166 --> 00:36:56,666
I would be confused on what
to blow up in this sumbitch, okay?"

713
00:36:57,375 --> 00:37:00,875
"I got to be real with you,
this place looks like it's pre-blown up."

714
00:37:01,625 --> 00:37:05,291
"If I were to blow up a bomb here,
I'd just be redecorating the place."

715
00:37:06,208 --> 00:37:09,625
"And I would resolve
your crack problem that's clearly here."

716
00:37:09,708 --> 00:37:12,916
And the cop sincerely goes,
"Yeah, we sure do got a crack problem."

717
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:14,583
[laughs]

718
00:37:15,625 --> 00:37:18,041
He gave me a trash bag
full of my belongings

719
00:37:18,125 --> 00:37:20,916
and instructed me
to go to this other officer.

720
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,458
And he was going to escort me
back to the hotel.

721
00:37:23,541 --> 00:37:28,291
As we're walking off, Gary pops out
of the bushes behind the club.

722
00:37:28,375 --> 00:37:30,916
I was like,
"Gary, where the hell you been?"

723
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:35,500
And he very sincerely goes,
"They're trying to kill me." [chuckles]

724
00:37:36,625 --> 00:37:39,208
I was like, "I'm gonna kill you,
get your ass in the car."

725
00:37:39,291 --> 00:37:42,625
And weirdly, I felt worse for him
than I did for myself.

726
00:37:43,750 --> 00:37:46,166
We get in the cop car,
he takes us to the hotel.

727
00:37:46,250 --> 00:37:49,000
As we pull up, the cop apologizes to me.

728
00:37:49,083 --> 00:37:53,125
He goes, "Man, I am so sorry
this happened to you, sincerely."

729
00:37:53,208 --> 00:37:54,708
"But it wasn't us, okay?"

730
00:37:54,791 --> 00:37:57,750
"It was the hotel
who called the police on you."

731
00:37:57,833 --> 00:38:01,625
I was like, "Oh my God, officer,
Gary, we're going in this hotel."

732
00:38:01,708 --> 00:38:04,000
"We're going to confront
the security guard."

733
00:38:04,083 --> 00:38:06,500
And I walk in very aggressively,

734
00:38:06,583 --> 00:38:10,166
"Who was it? Who called the cops on me?"

735
00:38:10,250 --> 00:38:13,583
And this lady comes out from the back.
And she's wearing a security jacket

736
00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:16,000
and she's missing most of her front teeth.

737
00:38:16,625 --> 00:38:21,000
And every time she spoke, she either
blew wind or whistled the entire time.

738
00:38:21,541 --> 00:38:23,500
I was like,
"Why'd you call the cops on me?"

739
00:38:23,583 --> 00:38:26,250
She goes, [whistles between words]
"Hold on a second."

740
00:38:26,833 --> 00:38:29,250
"Hold on a second now."

741
00:38:29,333 --> 00:38:31,541
I was like,
"Are you watching a basketball game?"

742
00:38:31,625 --> 00:38:33,125
"What the fuck is going on?"

743
00:38:33,625 --> 00:38:37,125
"It sounds like sneakers on a hardwood
floor, I don't know what's happening."

744
00:38:37,208 --> 00:38:38,791
"Hold on a sec."

745
00:38:38,875 --> 00:38:42,750
All these stray dogs were showing up,
I'm like, "Whose dogs are these?"

746
00:38:44,583 --> 00:38:46,625
I was like,
"Why did you call the cops on me?"

747
00:38:46,708 --> 00:38:48,000
She goes, "Well,

748
00:38:49,208 --> 00:38:50,833
I've seen the name Mohammed,

749
00:38:50,916 --> 00:38:55,375
and I was like, 'Hey, we've got
a terrorist situation here.'"

750
00:38:55,958 --> 00:38:59,708
I was like, "That's all it took?
You just saw the name Mohammed

751
00:38:59,791 --> 00:39:02,166
and we've got a terrorist situation here?"

752
00:39:02,833 --> 00:39:05,166
And then she goes,
"Who's whistling?" I was like…

753
00:39:05,875 --> 00:39:07,041
I was like, "Okay."

754
00:39:08,083 --> 00:39:09,208
I was like, "Yeah."

755
00:39:10,875 --> 00:39:14,250
I was like, "I'm so sorry,
but you can't call the cops on somebody

756
00:39:14,333 --> 00:39:16,000
just because of their name."

757
00:39:16,083 --> 00:39:18,291
"You have to have real evidence."

758
00:39:18,375 --> 00:39:21,541
"And I'm so sorry our country's failed you
and you believe everything

759
00:39:21,625 --> 00:39:24,083
they're spewing at you
through this television screen."

760
00:39:24,166 --> 00:39:25,333
"That's what they want."

761
00:39:25,416 --> 00:39:29,375
"They want us to be divided so they can
conquer all of us, don't you get that?"

762
00:39:29,458 --> 00:39:31,333
And unfortunately she heard none of it.

763
00:39:31,416 --> 00:39:35,333
She goes, "Well, hold on a second,
I've seen the name Mohammed

764
00:39:35,416 --> 00:39:39,041
and I was like, 'Hey, we've
got a terrorist situation here.'"

765
00:39:39,125 --> 00:39:40,458
I looked at the officer,

766
00:39:40,541 --> 00:39:43,333
"You definitely have a crack problem here,
I'm not gonna lie."

767
00:39:43,416 --> 00:39:45,083
[audience laughing]

768
00:39:45,166 --> 00:39:47,875
And the cop looks at me and goes,
"I figured out something."

769
00:39:47,958 --> 00:39:50,666
I was like, "What?
What else could there possibly be?"

770
00:39:50,750 --> 00:39:53,708
He goes, "We searched your room."
I was like, "You said that."

771
00:39:53,791 --> 00:39:56,333
He goes, "It was bothering me,
I think I figured it out."

772
00:39:56,416 --> 00:39:58,041
And he looks at Gary, he goes,

773
00:39:58,125 --> 00:40:01,250
"Gary, the porn magazines
are yours, aren't they?"

774
00:40:01,333 --> 00:40:04,458
I looked at Gary, I was like,
"You brought porn magazines?"

775
00:40:04,541 --> 00:40:07,916
I was like, "We're sharing a room, bro.
Like, how gross are you?"

776
00:40:08,666 --> 00:40:11,541
And I walk into the room
and the whole room is in shambles

777
00:40:11,625 --> 00:40:14,000
except Gary's bed, it's perfectly made.

778
00:40:14,083 --> 00:40:17,791
And they left all the porn magazines out
just to let us know

779
00:40:17,875 --> 00:40:20,833
"We know what y'all queers doing in here."

780
00:40:21,500 --> 00:40:24,000
And I looked down and I counted,
I was like, "Twelve?"

781
00:40:24,083 --> 00:40:27,166
"You brought a dozen porn magazines?"

782
00:40:27,250 --> 00:40:30,166
"Bro, how much jerking off
were you going to do tonight?"

783
00:40:30,250 --> 00:40:32,541
I was like,
"Thank God she called the cops."

784
00:40:33,916 --> 00:40:37,750
I was like, "She stopped the other
terrorist plot from happening that night."

785
00:40:37,833 --> 00:40:39,208
[audience cheering]

786
00:40:42,250 --> 00:40:46,291
But I was always,
I was always a suspected terrorist.

787
00:40:46,375 --> 00:40:48,666
Until I got my TSA PreCheck.

788
00:40:50,041 --> 00:40:53,041
If you don't know what TSA PreCheck is,

789
00:40:53,125 --> 00:40:56,083
you go into the airport security office,

790
00:40:56,166 --> 00:40:58,625
you give them $100,
and you fill out the paperwork,

791
00:40:58,708 --> 00:41:01,500
you're no longer a suspected terrorist.

792
00:41:02,083 --> 00:41:04,000
It's widely known

793
00:41:04,583 --> 00:41:06,708
that terrorists hate paperwork.

794
00:41:06,791 --> 00:41:08,625
[audience laughing]

795
00:41:09,291 --> 00:41:12,958
And I'm so relieved because TSA agents
are very aggressive, bro.

796
00:41:13,041 --> 00:41:16,541
I don't know what they're mad about,
but they're like, "Take out your laptop!"

797
00:41:16,625 --> 00:41:19,583
"Put it in a thing! Put it in its own
separate compartment, okay?"

798
00:41:19,666 --> 00:41:22,791
"And you push it in.
I'm not pushing it in, you push it in."

799
00:41:22,875 --> 00:41:26,291
"See it all the way through,
take off your shoes."

800
00:41:26,875 --> 00:41:30,666
God forbid you bring water.
Holy shit, okay.

801
00:41:30,750 --> 00:41:33,916
You bring water, they're like, "Aaah!"

802
00:41:35,625 --> 00:41:38,083
I'm like, "Acqua Panna?
What's wrong with Acqua Panna?"

803
00:41:38,166 --> 00:41:40,416
Like, "You can't bring this."

804
00:41:40,500 --> 00:41:42,750
They fuck your head up,
they'll walk three feet

805
00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:47,000
and they go, "You can't drink this here,
but you can drink it here if you like."

806
00:41:48,333 --> 00:41:53,208
And you don't want to be wasteful,
so you're waterboarding yourself. "God."

807
00:41:53,291 --> 00:41:57,416
"Sorry, guys, I brought a liter.
Just come on, just go ahead of me."

808
00:41:59,583 --> 00:42:04,083
So fru… I saw them berating
this old white woman in a wheelchair.

809
00:42:04,166 --> 00:42:06,583
She had apple juice
and they're just going off on her.

810
00:42:06,666 --> 00:42:08,541
And they're like, "You can't bring this!"

811
00:42:08,625 --> 00:42:11,666
And she's like, "But…

812
00:42:11,750 --> 00:42:13,750
I need it for my diabetes."

813
00:42:13,833 --> 00:42:15,625
I was like,
"Hold on a second, what the fuck?"

814
00:42:15,708 --> 00:42:17,375
[audience laughing]

815
00:42:19,666 --> 00:42:21,791
They threw it away
in the trash aggressively.

816
00:42:21,875 --> 00:42:24,458
Like, "Shut up, whore!
Not today, Al-Qaeda!"

817
00:42:25,666 --> 00:42:28,041
"Not today, Osama!" I'm like, "Relax, bro,

818
00:42:28,125 --> 00:42:31,583
she needs apple juice,
just give her the fucking apple juice."

819
00:42:31,666 --> 00:42:34,875
Similar scenario,
older man, he's in a wheelchair.

820
00:42:34,958 --> 00:42:37,041
It seems like he's had
some sort of stroke.

821
00:42:37,125 --> 00:42:39,083
Because he's struggling to walk

822
00:42:39,166 --> 00:42:41,500
and they're making him
go through the X-ray machine.

823
00:42:41,583 --> 00:42:45,625
And he's walking in like this,
and they go, "Put your arms up!"

824
00:42:46,375 --> 00:42:50,291
Guy can't lift his right arm,
so he grabs it with his left hand.

825
00:42:50,375 --> 00:42:53,208
He lifts it up,
and the guy goes, "Stay still!"

826
00:42:53,875 --> 00:42:56,541
"Stay still!"

827
00:42:56,625 --> 00:42:58,958
I was like, "Fuck it,
I'm going to shoot everybody."

828
00:42:59,041 --> 00:43:00,791
[audience laughing]

829
00:43:00,875 --> 00:43:04,583
"I'm going to shoot everybody. TSA
has radicalized me, that's it, it's over."

830
00:43:05,208 --> 00:43:10,458
What is this infatuation
about 3.4 ounces? I need to know, okay?

831
00:43:11,458 --> 00:43:12,541
They're just like…

832
00:43:13,291 --> 00:43:16,125
"What's wrong?"
"It says 4.2 ounces, that's what's wrong."

833
00:43:16,750 --> 00:43:19,166
"Well, 80% of the liquid is gone,
what's the problem?"

834
00:43:19,250 --> 00:43:22,000
"It doesn't matter,
the bottle is 4.2 ounces."

835
00:43:25,208 --> 00:43:28,500
Like, is this fluid that can be made
into a bomb or something?

836
00:43:28,583 --> 00:43:30,250
Is that what the issue is?

837
00:43:30,333 --> 00:43:34,583
Where there's no restrictions
on how many 3.4 ounces

838
00:43:35,083 --> 00:43:36,375
you could bring. I mean,

839
00:43:37,041 --> 00:43:39,458
technically, you could just
mix them shits later.

840
00:43:39,541 --> 00:43:40,875
[audience laughs]

841
00:43:40,958 --> 00:43:43,333
Please God, nobody do this. Please, God.

842
00:43:44,375 --> 00:43:46,041
Please God, nobody do this.

843
00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:49,916
"Anti-Semitic, Semitic, white supremacist,

844
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,958
terrorist comedian
last night in Washington, D.C.

845
00:43:53,625 --> 00:43:57,750
promotes making some kind of liquid bombs
at the Warner Theatre."

846
00:43:57,833 --> 00:44:01,958
"Mo, do you have any comments?"
"Hold on a second. Myrtle, please."

847
00:44:02,750 --> 00:44:04,875
[in Southern accent]
"Hold on a second, son of a bitch."

848
00:44:08,333 --> 00:44:11,291
She's like, "What goes around
comes around, son of a bitch."

849
00:44:15,708 --> 00:44:17,791
Maybe it's true,
what goes around comes around.

850
00:44:17,875 --> 00:44:21,041
Maybe that's why the heightened
racism is happening right now.

851
00:44:21,125 --> 00:44:23,291
Maybe that's what
white people are so afraid of.

852
00:44:23,375 --> 00:44:26,291
Not the white people here, don't worry.
Hug a white person.

853
00:44:26,375 --> 00:44:29,666
Hug a white person if they're next to you.
I'm not talking about you.

854
00:44:30,958 --> 00:44:32,958
But genuinely, is that what the fear is?

855
00:44:33,041 --> 00:44:34,833
Because we know what happened,

856
00:44:34,916 --> 00:44:38,208
we know what happened
with the Indigenous population in America,

857
00:44:38,291 --> 00:44:42,625
African Americans with slavery,
the Chinese with the railroad.

858
00:44:43,208 --> 00:44:45,125
Mexicans, what were Mexicans doing?

859
00:44:45,208 --> 00:44:49,041
They were just coming back. This is where
they come from, they're just coming back.

860
00:44:49,125 --> 00:44:52,625
And they say that DNA…

861
00:44:52,708 --> 00:44:55,375
They say DNA carries traumatic memories.

862
00:44:55,458 --> 00:44:57,375
So they don't know
why they're coming back.

863
00:44:57,458 --> 00:44:59,750
They're just like,
"I don't know, bro, <i>pero, </i>like…"

864
00:44:59,833 --> 00:45:03,125
"I don't know where I'm going,
<i>pero</i>, like, <i>necesito, </i>bro, like…"

865
00:45:03,208 --> 00:45:05,208
"I just gotta go, bro."

866
00:45:05,291 --> 00:45:09,250
"I didn't do nothing, my great-grandfather
forgot something, <i>vato, </i>that's all, bro."

867
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,500
We have Muslims,
all shapes and sizes and colors

868
00:45:14,583 --> 00:45:17,625
dealing with discrimination.
I mean, who's next? White people.

869
00:45:17,708 --> 00:45:21,291
Maybe that's the fear,
it's going to come back to them.

870
00:45:21,375 --> 00:45:23,458
Maybe they have a scenario in their head

871
00:45:23,541 --> 00:45:25,958
where there's a white guy
walking into a house of pies

872
00:45:26,041 --> 00:45:28,750
and there's a Black guy
working behind the counter.

873
00:45:28,833 --> 00:45:30,958
And he walks in, he's like, "Excuse me."

874
00:45:31,041 --> 00:45:33,666
"Can I get a slice
of that pecan pie, please?"

875
00:45:34,291 --> 00:45:36,708
And the Black guy
behind the counter is like, "Sorry."

876
00:45:36,791 --> 00:45:39,458
"We don't serve your kind
around here, cracker." You know?

877
00:45:39,541 --> 00:45:40,958
[audience laughing]

878
00:45:41,500 --> 00:45:44,333
"Oh, you want to speak to the manager?
Say, Jose!"

879
00:45:45,875 --> 00:45:48,166
And Jose's like,
"What are you doing here, gringo?"

880
00:45:48,250 --> 00:45:50,583
"Like, come on, bro,
you can't be sitting here."

881
00:45:50,666 --> 00:45:52,708
"We got real customers coming in, bro."

882
00:45:52,791 --> 00:45:53,750
"Like…"

883
00:45:53,833 --> 00:45:54,750
[in Spanish] "Ew, man…"

884
00:45:54,833 --> 00:45:56,500
{\an8}[in English] "Come on, bro."

885
00:45:56,583 --> 00:45:58,833
"You want to speak to the owner?
He Chinese, bro."

886
00:45:58,916 --> 00:46:00,500
"They own everything now."

887
00:46:01,125 --> 00:46:04,750
And the white guy was like, "Well,
fuck you guys." And he just walks out.

888
00:46:10,250 --> 00:46:14,083
No one is better than anybody else.

889
00:46:14,166 --> 00:46:15,166
Nobody.

890
00:46:15,250 --> 00:46:17,083
[audience cheering]

891
00:46:17,166 --> 00:46:18,166
Nobody.

892
00:46:23,583 --> 00:46:29,250
Bro, it seems like history
repeats itself time and time again.

893
00:46:30,208 --> 00:46:34,208
My mother said to me fairly recently,
and this really jarred me.

894
00:46:34,291 --> 00:46:40,541
She goes, "I feel like I'm living
the same life as my grandmothers."

895
00:46:41,625 --> 00:46:43,916
And that really hit hard.

896
00:46:44,416 --> 00:46:45,875
And time

897
00:46:46,375 --> 00:46:48,625
is undefeated.

898
00:46:48,708 --> 00:46:52,125
Time is fleeting, and time flies.

899
00:46:52,708 --> 00:46:55,083
And you can't go back in time.

900
00:46:55,750 --> 00:46:57,875
Some people are like,
"I'll just make up time."

901
00:46:57,958 --> 00:46:59,916
You can't make up time.

902
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:04,000
You can make time,
but there's never enough time.

903
00:47:04,083 --> 00:47:05,958
My friend doesn't give a shit about time.

904
00:47:06,041 --> 00:47:07,833
He's like, "I'm going to go kill time."

905
00:47:07,916 --> 00:47:11,916
"You're going to go kill time?
There's no time to kill."

906
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:13,958
He's like,
"I'm going to watch <i>Love Island</i>."

907
00:47:14,041 --> 00:47:15,750
<i>Love Island</i>?

908
00:47:16,416 --> 00:47:18,166
Next thing you know, I got sucked in,

909
00:47:18,250 --> 00:47:20,625
"Huda, why are you doing this, Huda?"

910
00:47:21,375 --> 00:47:24,125
"Oh, Huda, why?"

911
00:47:25,166 --> 00:47:27,750
"Don't be jealous,
you just unloaded on Jeremiah."

912
00:47:27,833 --> 00:47:31,083
"And he's just juggling his feelings.
Everybody's kissing everybody,

913
00:47:31,166 --> 00:47:33,750
and Chelley and Ace
are not even a real relationship,

914
00:47:33,833 --> 00:47:35,875
they're just in it for the fucking money."

915
00:47:35,958 --> 00:47:41,083
I was like, "Oh my God, 40 episodes,
40 hours, what a waste of time."

916
00:47:41,166 --> 00:47:42,875
[audience cheering]

917
00:47:42,958 --> 00:47:45,625
Whatever it is,
you don't want to be ahead of your time.

918
00:47:45,708 --> 00:47:48,291
If you're ahead of your time,
you're probably dead.

919
00:47:49,208 --> 00:47:51,041
Everybody who dies young,

920
00:47:51,125 --> 00:47:53,541
it's always like,
"Oh, he was ahead of his time."

921
00:47:53,625 --> 00:47:55,166
[audience giggling]

922
00:47:55,250 --> 00:47:57,666
"He was so far ahead of his time."

923
00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:02,291
"So far in the future,
he just died, yeah."

924
00:48:03,708 --> 00:48:08,791
Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley,
Amy Winehouse, Chris Farley.

925
00:48:08,875 --> 00:48:11,333
All ahead of their time.

926
00:48:12,333 --> 00:48:13,791
Jeffrey Epstein.

927
00:48:13,875 --> 00:48:15,416
[audience laughs]

928
00:48:15,500 --> 00:48:20,000
Well, he was doing hard time
in the wrong place at the wrong time.

929
00:48:20,750 --> 00:48:23,875
That whole situation
is a ticking time bomb.

930
00:48:24,958 --> 00:48:28,500
It seems like terrible people
take forever to die.

931
00:48:28,583 --> 00:48:32,625
And when they do die,
everyone's like, "It's about damn time."

932
00:48:32,708 --> 00:48:36,125
"I thought that son of a bitch
was never going to die."

933
00:48:36,208 --> 00:48:38,583
"I thought he had
all the time in the world."

934
00:48:38,666 --> 00:48:43,750
"Yeah, it was all in due time.
You can never run away from time. Yeah."

935
00:48:44,250 --> 00:48:48,250
Some people say,
"Mo, you're so ahead of your time."

936
00:48:48,333 --> 00:48:51,541
"You're the first Arab-American comedian
to have a stand-up special."

937
00:48:51,625 --> 00:48:54,583
"You wore a keffiyeh
in the first stand-up special."

938
00:48:54,666 --> 00:48:59,541
"You made the first
Palestinian-American television show."

939
00:48:59,625 --> 00:49:01,000
[audience cheering]

940
00:49:04,250 --> 00:49:07,083
No, I said, "Fuck that, I don't
want to be ahead of my time."

941
00:49:07,166 --> 00:49:10,583
I want to be right on time. I wanna
be in the right place at the right time.

942
00:49:10,666 --> 00:49:12,458
I wanna be timely, I wanna be timeless.

943
00:49:12,541 --> 00:49:15,958
I want to make it in the nick of time,
with plenty of time to spare.

944
00:49:16,041 --> 00:49:18,666
So I can spend quality time
with those who really care.

945
00:49:18,750 --> 00:49:21,541
The people who will be there for me
at any moment in time.

946
00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:24,916
So I don't have to go back in time,
I don't have to make up time.

947
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:28,333
I can just be present
in this moment in time.

948
00:49:28,416 --> 00:49:29,958
[audience cheering]

949
00:49:33,416 --> 00:49:38,125
So if you really care, you should
check in on each other from time to time.

950
00:49:39,041 --> 00:49:44,541
My mom always says this to me,
"If you love me, show me."

951
00:49:45,875 --> 00:49:50,791
And that's why I'm so utterly frustrated
with DJ Khaled, genuinely.

952
00:49:50,875 --> 00:49:52,375
[audience laughing]

953
00:49:53,708 --> 00:49:57,125
No, I'm serious, he's Palestinian.
In the end, he's one of us.

954
00:49:57,208 --> 00:50:01,916
And in these unprecedented times,
instead of being with the times

955
00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:03,458
he's behind the times.

956
00:50:03,541 --> 00:50:07,000
And for this guy, it's always dinner time.

957
00:50:08,125 --> 00:50:10,750
I know, it's a fat-on-fat crime.

958
00:50:12,375 --> 00:50:15,875
I didn't want to say this,
who put it in my heart? God did!

959
00:50:17,333 --> 00:50:20,041
But he's not the only one
behind the times.

960
00:50:20,125 --> 00:50:22,791
There's many other ones.

961
00:50:22,875 --> 00:50:25,875
I'm not going to name names. Seinfeld.

962
00:50:25,958 --> 00:50:27,750
[audience booing]

963
00:50:31,083 --> 00:50:34,916
I believe he said,
"I don't care about Palestine."

964
00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:37,750
Well, Jerry, I care about everyone.

965
00:50:37,833 --> 00:50:42,166
And it's better to kill time
than kill with your time.

966
00:50:42,750 --> 00:50:45,666
Festivus for the rest of us.

967
00:50:46,916 --> 00:50:49,750
I used to watch that show
in much simpler times.

968
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:54,625
What does it say about these times
that the world trusts Ms. Rachel

969
00:50:54,708 --> 00:50:56,750
more than <i>The New York Times</i>?

970
00:50:56,833 --> 00:50:58,416
[audience cheering]

971
00:51:02,750 --> 00:51:06,541
Welcome to <i>Real Time </i>with Mo Amer. Yes.

972
00:51:07,750 --> 00:51:10,916
I hate to break it to you,
but we're all going to die.

973
00:51:11,708 --> 00:51:16,625
We're all going to die. You could say
we're here for a limited time only.

974
00:51:16,708 --> 00:51:19,666
And time is of the essence.
I could go on and on.

975
00:51:19,750 --> 00:51:22,416
Unfortunately, I'm almost out of time.

976
00:51:22,500 --> 00:51:24,666
Because it's prime time
and the clock's ticking.

977
00:51:24,750 --> 00:51:28,250
We're on borrowed time and every second
counts. We're down to the wire.

978
00:51:28,333 --> 00:51:31,291
And in this life, there's no overtime.

979
00:51:31,375 --> 00:51:35,375
And you have to remember the one
who transcends space and time.

980
00:51:35,458 --> 00:51:37,458
The next thing you know, there's no time.

981
00:51:37,541 --> 00:51:40,041
We thought we were big-time,
we're actually small-time.

982
00:51:40,125 --> 00:51:44,458
And now we're pressed for time.
It's a race against time.

983
00:51:44,541 --> 00:51:50,166
It's high time, it's crunch time,
it's go time, it's the end of times.

984
00:51:50,250 --> 00:51:53,041
Until next time. Myrtle?

985
00:51:53,541 --> 00:51:55,375
[in Southern accent] "Free Palestine!"

986
00:51:55,458 --> 00:51:57,333
["Peace Train" by Cat Stevens playing]

987
00:51:57,416 --> 00:52:00,083
Thank you so much, Washington, D.C.

988
00:52:01,708 --> 00:52:03,875
I love you from the bottom of my heart.

989
00:52:04,541 --> 00:52:06,875
Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

990
00:52:06,958 --> 00:52:08,291
<i>♪ Now I’ve been happy lately ♪</i>

991
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:09,375
Thank you.

992
00:52:10,125 --> 00:52:13,250
<i>♪ Thinking about the good things to come ♪</i>

993
00:52:13,333 --> 00:52:19,083
<i>♪ And I believe it could be</i>
<i>Something good has begun ♪</i>

994
00:52:19,166 --> 00:52:21,958
<i>♪ Oh I’ve been smiling lately ♪</i>

995
00:52:22,041 --> 00:52:25,166
<i>♪ Dreaming about the world as one ♪</i>

996
00:52:25,250 --> 00:52:28,083
<i>♪ And I believe it could be ♪</i>

997
00:52:28,166 --> 00:52:30,875
<i>♪ Some day it’s going to come ♪</i>

998
00:52:30,958 --> 00:52:34,333
<i>♪ ‘Cause out on the edge of darkness ♪</i>

999
00:52:34,416 --> 00:52:36,583
<i>♪ There rides a peace train ♪</i>

1000
00:52:36,666 --> 00:52:39,875
<i>♪ Oh peace train take this country ♪</i>

1001
00:52:39,958 --> 00:52:41,916
<i>♪ Come take me home again ♪</i>

1002
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:45,291
I love you so much, it means
the absolute world to me, thank you.

1003
00:52:45,833 --> 00:52:48,833
{\an8}How are you? Jeez, it's great to be here.

1004
00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:51,125
{\an8}People always say that shit, don't they?

1005
00:52:52,708 --> 00:52:55,791
{\an8}People always say that shit,
but they don't mean it. I mean it.

1006
00:52:57,500 --> 00:52:59,708
<i>♪ Glide on the peace train ♪</i>

1007
00:53:03,833 --> 00:53:06,041
<i>♪ Come on now peace train ♪</i>

1008
00:53:06,125 --> 00:53:09,416
<i>♪ Yes, peace train holy roller ♪</i>

1009
00:53:09,500 --> 00:53:12,333
<i>♪ Everyone jump upon the peace train ♪</i>

1010
00:53:15,416 --> 00:53:18,041
<i>♪ Come on the peace train ♪</i>

1011
00:53:18,125 --> 00:53:20,833
<i>♪ Get your bags together ♪</i>

1012
00:53:20,916 --> 00:53:23,708
<i>♪ Go bring your good friends too ♪</i>

1013
00:53:23,791 --> 00:53:26,958
<i>♪ ‘Cause it’s getting nearer ♪</i>

1014
00:53:27,041 --> 00:53:29,291
<i>♪ It soon will be with you ♪</i>

1015
00:53:29,375 --> 00:53:31,875
{\an8}<i>♪ Now come and join the living ♪</i>
[song fades]