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Downloaded from
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YTS.MX
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Now that I've lost everything to you
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You say you wanna start something new
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And it's breakin' my heart
You're leavin'
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Baby, I'm grievin'
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But if you wanna leave, take good care
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Hope you have
A lot of nice things to wear
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But then a lot of nice things
Turn bad out there
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Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
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It's hard to get by just upon a smile
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{\an8}Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
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{\an8}Make some noise for my brother, Mo Amer!
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Fuck DJ Khaled.
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Yup.
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Biteezak.
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Biteezak.
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Biteezak.
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I really…
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I did it in my previous special,
and it means "in your ass."
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If you haven't seen it,
it means "in your ass."
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I genuinely thought I would never
do it again, to be honest with you.
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I never thought, because I get Biteezaked
on the street on a regular basis.
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And it's always Mexicans,
it's always a Mexican guy.
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I'll be walking down the street
and he'll be like, "Hey, Mo!"
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I'll be like,
"Don't look back, Mo. Don't look back."
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"Come on, bro."
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{\an8}"I'm your biggest fan, man!"
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{\an8}I look back, he's like,
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"In your ass, bitch!"
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I'm like, "Oh no!"
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"Why, Jose, why?"
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But DJ Khaled 100% deserves a Biteezak.
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100% a Biteezak.
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It's a bummer, because he's one of us.
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He's Palestinian and he's not speaking up.
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He's not even acknowledging it,
which makes it more agonizing.
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And I still follow him on Instagram.
I still follow him on Instagram.
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I do, and a lot of people message me,
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"Why are you still following
DJ Khaled on Instagram?"
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I was like, "I gotta see what he's doing."
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"So I can make fun of his bitch-ass,
it's very important."
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And I'm a hyper-self-aware human being,
I'm, like, hyper-self-aware.
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But every time I see him on Instagram,
I'm like, "You fat piece of shit."
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"Old fat-ass, punk-ass, fat-ass ho."
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"Old fat-ass, bitch-ass,
punk-ass, fat-ass."
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{\an8}"Eating maqluba all the time,
fat-ass, bitch-ass."
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"How do you have side titties?
Who the hell has side titties?"
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"Old fat-ass, side-titty-having.
Look, there's another titty."
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"Another one, another titty."
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My friend goes, "Hey, bro, you're fat."
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I was like,
"I'm athletic fat, it's very different."
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"I bench 300 pounds,
he's bench-pressing sandwiches."
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"Old punk-ass, bitch-ass, fat-ass."
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Because you gotta say something.
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You gotta say something,
you can't say nothing.
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And what you say and when you say it
is everything, right?
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When I was writing Season 2,
we came back from the strike October 1st.
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Then October 7th happened
and all hell broke loose.
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And I decided to come out to D.C.,
I joined a JVP rally.
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It was Jewish Voice for Peace,
a bunch of young...
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That's right.
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It was really dope,
all these young Jewish people
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and young Palestinians
trying to do the right thing.
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And I came in front of Congress
and they're like, "Would you speak?"
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I was like, "It's not really
the stages that I'm accustomed to,
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to be honest with you."
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I was like, "I'll go last."
You don't want to go up in the middle.
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And then somebody follows you like,
"Fuck them, kill them all!"
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Then it'll be in the paper the next day,
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"Anti-Semitic, Semitic comedian last night
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joins anti-Semitic,
Semitic rally in Washington, D.C."
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But I wanted to use my art form.
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Because I feel like stand-up
is the last free art form.
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So I called up the D.C. Improv.
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And I asked them,
"Listen, I want to use the venue
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which I've sold out
a hundred times plus in my career."
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And they denied me. I was like, "Oh shit."
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I looked at my manager, I was like,
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"I don't give a shit, find me any venue,
I don't care where."
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And the irony of the whole situation,
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the venue that let me do
what I needed to do
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was a gay German beer bar.
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They were like,
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"Oh yeah, we love
Mo Amer, please, yeah, come here, yeah."
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"Give me a hug, you're cuddly,
yeah, it's good, yeah."
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He was like, "Use our basement
Monday and Tuesday."
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"However, we're fully booked
on Wednesday, you know."
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I was like, "I don't need to know
what's happening here on Wednesday."
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But I did it, I filmed it,
I didn't put it out.
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Because it was so angry and emotional.
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And I decided to focus on the only
Palestinian-American show on television,
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that's what I wanted to focus on.
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Ever!
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I put all my energy into that.
I put my heart and soul into that.
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And in the meantime,
I was doing these pop-ups in Houston.
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Very small shows, just to see
what my community was going through.
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And to my surprise,
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all these angry white people
were snatching up the tickets.
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I showed up one night to my show,
before I even grabbed the microphone,
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this lady goes, "You tell them, baby."
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"You tell them exactly how you feel."
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"They told me, do my research."
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"I done did my research."
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Israel fucked up so bad,
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and now rednecks
are supporting Palestine? This is crazy.
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I had to ask, like,
"Ma'am, what's your name?"
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She goes, "Myrtle." I was like, "Myrtle?"
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"Hot damn, Myrtle,
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I'm gonna take you
to every single news interview I do
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from now on for the rest of my life."
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Especially with these interviews,
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sometimes journalists
try to trip you up and shit.
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Be sitting there, be like,
"Mo, before we discuss Season 2,
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do you condemn Hamas?"
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I'd be like, "One second. Myrtle, please?"
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"I got you, Mohammed,
I got you, baby, yeah."
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"You trying to trip up my man
Mohammed, that's all, yeah."
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"Uh-huh, that's a damn gotcha question.
That's a lose-lose, as they call it."
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"Uh-huh, well, let me
educate your dumb ass, okay?"
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"You ever heard of the Nakba? Huh? No?"
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"In 1948, they expelled
over 750,000 Palestinians."
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"Eviscerated over 500 villages.
God knows how many they murdered."
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"No, Mohammed,
let me cook, baby, let me cook."
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"And I dug a little further,
did more research
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and found out there's a half a million
Palestinians living in Santiago, Chile."
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"I said, 'What the hell
they doing in Santiago, Chile?'"
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"And then I dug further and found out
most of them is Christian. I was like,
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'Hold on a second, Palestinian,
Christians, Bethlehem, Nazareth.'"
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"Oh my God, Jesus is Palestinian.
Done blew my mind."
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"Of course he was Palestinian,
no wonder the Jews wanted to kill him."
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"Okay, take it easy. Time-out, Myrtle,
time-out. Oh shit, take it easy."
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"Sometimes they go too far."
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You know that there is four cities
in America named Palestine?
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One of them happens to be in Texas.
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I just imagine during this broadcast
there's two Texans
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living in Palestine, Texas,
confused, you know what I mean?
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They'd be like,
"What's going on in Palestine, Jebediah?"
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"Everything's fine here."
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"No, not this Palestine,
original Palestine, Palestine."
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"Wait, there's another Palestine?"
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"Yeah, where Jesus come from."
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"Wait, Jesus from Texas?"
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"Yeah, his name is Jesús now.
His name is Jesús."
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Peace and blessings be upon him.
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This may surprise you.
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One of my dear friends, he helped me
on the show, he happens to be Jewish.
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He calls himself a recovering Zionist,
which is hilarious.
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I didn't realize while filming the show,
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he was going through
his own set of emotions.
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He'd come up to me like,
"Mo, I figured something out."
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I'm like, "What?" He goes,
"I figured out what Israel is to me."
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I was like, "What?"
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He goes,
"Israel is like the baby that you have
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that you love so much, and then
it grows up to be a school shooter."
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I was like, "God damn."
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I didn't say it, he said it,
you know what I mean?
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See why I locked your phones up?
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In all honesty, I'm actually
very jealous of Jewish people, okay?
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I am, because you guys
work very well together.
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All right?
If Jewish people own bagel shops,
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they all come together
and they agree on one price.
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They're like, "Okay, who owns the bagels?"
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This is my bad Jewish impression.
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"You got the bagels? You own
a bagel, bitty. You had the bagel."
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"Okay, $5, we all agree it's $5?"
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"Okay, it's $5."
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Arabs, on the other hand,
we suck right now.
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We suck! We suck it! We suck so bad!
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And we didn't suck in history,
we don't suck, but we suck.
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We've invented
many amazing things in history.
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Universities, we have algebra, soap.
Yeah, bitch.
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Soap, coffee, we've done all that.
But we can't work together.
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If an Arab guy has a falafel shop
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and another guy has a falafel shop
across the street,
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he'd be like, "How much? $4.99?"
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00:10:19,166 --> 00:10:20,791
"Fuck you, $3.99."
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00:10:22,583 --> 00:10:24,625
"$3.99, fuck you, $2.99."
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00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:28,458
"$2.99, free, fuck you, free."
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00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,416
"I'll get the loan,
we go out of business and die."
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"Thank God."
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What are we doing?
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00:10:37,833 --> 00:10:40,708
What are we doing?
It's already hard enough out here.
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And Season 2 was not easy to make.
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It was not easy to make.
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While I was making it and even after,
just listening to all the comments,
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it's very fucking frustrating.
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00:10:52,041 --> 00:10:55,333
I had one comment I saw,
it said… Imagine this.
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It said, "Mo, I saw Season 2, Episode 8."
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00:10:59,541 --> 00:11:02,125
"You're making the IDF look bad, Mo."
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00:11:02,208 --> 00:11:04,750
"You're making the IDF look bad."
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00:11:04,833 --> 00:11:06,333
I was like, "I'm making…
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00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:12,458
the Israeli occupation force look bad?
I'm the one who's doing this?"
194
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:16,166
"Not the fact that they're carpet-bombing
an entire civilian population?"
195
00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:18,875
"Get the fuck out of my face, please."
196
00:11:22,791 --> 00:11:24,791
It's so absurd.
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00:11:24,875 --> 00:11:27,375
You can't trust the government,
have to trust ourselves.
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00:11:27,458 --> 00:11:29,958
And clearly that's why
I chose this location.
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00:11:30,041 --> 00:11:33,000
To be across the street
from the fucking crazies, okay?
200
00:11:33,708 --> 00:11:36,125
I wanted to tell them,
"We're not scared, we're here."
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00:11:36,208 --> 00:11:38,250
"I don't give a fuck what you do,
we're together."
202
00:11:41,625 --> 00:11:43,125
Can't be scared.
203
00:11:44,541 --> 00:11:46,000
Can't be scared.
204
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,500
The truth is the truth, man.
205
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:52,375
I can't trust the government.
I don't know what's going on.
206
00:11:52,458 --> 00:11:55,875
There's weird relationships happening,
Elon Musk, they broke up.
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00:11:55,958 --> 00:11:58,958
I don't know… And Elon Musk
is a weird-ass dude, you gotta admit.
208
00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:01,291
He's not even a real person,
I don't think.
209
00:12:01,375 --> 00:12:05,041
His human skin suit
is failing on a regular basis.
210
00:12:05,833 --> 00:12:09,625
He's not real, he has a chip in his brain.
That shit's restarting all the time.
211
00:12:09,708 --> 00:12:11,833
Gaaah!
212
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:17,291
His son, I don't like to talk about kids.
His son's in the Oval Office talking about
213
00:12:17,375 --> 00:12:21,541
"Shut your mouth, you shut your mouth.
You shut your whore mouth."
214
00:12:21,625 --> 00:12:24,833
I don't know if he said "whore,"
but it felt like it, it was real ugly.
215
00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:28,875
Whatever his name is, E equals MC squared,
I'm not good at math, unfortunately.
216
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,291
And his dad is on
the biggest stages in the world,
217
00:12:32,375 --> 00:12:35,541
just out of his mind, on the biggest
stages in the world talking about…
218
00:12:40,666 --> 00:12:43,958
I'm not going to do the full salute,
but you know what I'm talking about.
219
00:12:44,041 --> 00:12:45,583
You know…
220
00:12:48,708 --> 00:12:54,041
"Anti-Semitic, Semitic, white supremacist
comedian last night in Washington, D.C.
221
00:12:54,750 --> 00:12:57,916
goes on a mini Nazi-salute rampage."
222
00:12:58,833 --> 00:13:00,375
My picture in the paper.
223
00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:06,916
He's not a real person. He's not.
224
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,375
I feel like if I ever see him again,
I'm going to try to remove his face.
225
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,250
I feel like if I remove his face,
226
00:13:13,333 --> 00:13:16,875
there'll be that little guy
from Men in Black in there.
227
00:13:18,166 --> 00:13:21,000
And he'll be like
"The secret of the universe
228
00:13:21,708 --> 00:13:24,708
is on Epstein's list."
229
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,083
"What's on the list?" "Epstein's list."
230
00:13:29,166 --> 00:13:31,541
"What's on the list?" "Epstein."
231
00:13:33,666 --> 00:13:35,916
No!
232
00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:38,625
We're never going to know.
233
00:13:42,416 --> 00:13:43,708
Every time I dab my forehead
234
00:13:43,791 --> 00:13:46,083
I feel like I'm Louis Armstrong,
I'm not gonna lie.
235
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,750
I see trees of green
236
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,958
Red roses too
237
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,333
I see them bloom
238
00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:58,000
From me and you
239
00:13:58,833 --> 00:14:01,291
And I think to myself
240
00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:04,958
What a wonderful world
241
00:14:05,041 --> 00:14:07,083
Hell yeah, man, that shit was fire.
242
00:14:08,583 --> 00:14:09,750
Very cool.
243
00:14:12,583 --> 00:14:14,041
Well, my world
244
00:14:14,541 --> 00:14:17,166
is forever changed because I had a baby.
245
00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:19,000
Yeah.
246
00:14:20,708 --> 00:14:23,583
I'm looking for a mom for him now, and…
247
00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:26,500
Well, I'm Muslim,
I got three slots open, so…
248
00:14:33,708 --> 00:14:36,875
She makes me do that joke,
my wife loves that joke.
249
00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:39,083
I'm not even fucking around,
she loves that.
250
00:14:39,166 --> 00:14:40,875
She absolutely loves that joke.
251
00:14:40,958 --> 00:14:43,875
And we were in Doha,
I was doing a show for 5,000 people.
252
00:14:43,958 --> 00:14:45,375
Before I go on stage she's like,
253
00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:48,625
"You have to tell this joke,
you have to, it's going to kill."
254
00:14:48,708 --> 00:14:52,208
I was like, "First of all, you don't know
shit about stand-up comedy, okay?"
255
00:14:52,916 --> 00:14:54,416
"Second of all, geographically,
256
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:56,791
this is the worst location
I could do this joke in."
257
00:14:57,916 --> 00:15:01,416
She was like, "Why?" I was like,
"Because all the wives are there. Yeah."
258
00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:05,250
But I do it just to appease her.
259
00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:10,250
And nothing, not a single laugh.
And all of a sudden I hear…
260
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,625
And I look over and it's my wife.
I was like "Oh, great."
261
00:15:14,833 --> 00:15:16,500
"Thanks a lot honey, awesome."
262
00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:23,166
It's wild, because she got pregnant
and I got all the symptoms, it's crazy.
263
00:15:23,250 --> 00:15:26,083
It's a real thing,
it's called sympathy symptoms.
264
00:15:26,166 --> 00:15:28,416
I had all of them.
She got pregnant, I got nausea,
265
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,916
I had diarrhea,
I was vomiting all the time.
266
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,666
She was perfectly fine, she was jogging,
doing fucking yoga and shit.
267
00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:36,833
Perfectly fine,
every morning I'd be vomiting.
268
00:15:39,916 --> 00:15:41,416
She'd walk up, "Are you okay?"
269
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:43,791
I was like, "Bitch, I'm pregnant,
have some sympathy."
270
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,958
"Are your titties sore?
Because I feel weird."
271
00:15:49,250 --> 00:15:52,291
It was wild,
all my symptoms went away though
272
00:15:52,375 --> 00:15:55,291
the moment I heard
my baby's heartbeat, it's true.
273
00:15:55,375 --> 00:15:59,166
All of them. You say "aw." I was relieved,
I was like, "I can go back to smoking."
274
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,583
I was like, "Thank God."
275
00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:03,958
I was like,
"You're pregnant, I'm not pregnant."
276
00:16:04,041 --> 00:16:07,583
And then I locked in the doctor
and the hospital as you're supposed to,
277
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:10,750
and then she starts talking
to her rich white friend Denise.
278
00:16:10,833 --> 00:16:14,958
And Denise was like,
"You need to get a doula and a midwife
279
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:17,166
and have a natural home birth, okay?"
280
00:16:17,250 --> 00:16:21,333
I was like, "You can't trust Denise.
She wears shoes inside of the house
281
00:16:21,416 --> 00:16:24,500
and no shoes outside of the house.
You can't trust this bitch."
282
00:16:31,708 --> 00:16:34,458
I didn't want to alter anything,
"We're keeping the doctor."
283
00:16:34,541 --> 00:16:38,166
We'll go meet this doula and midwife,
they were highly reputable.
284
00:16:38,250 --> 00:16:42,500
However, we walked in and they go,
"Welcome to midwifery services."
285
00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:46,583
Which the word midwifery, quite frankly,
is a little off-putting. You know?
286
00:16:46,666 --> 00:16:51,541
It just feels like some sorcery
is involved or something. Midwifery!
287
00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:55,458
I don't know, it's just weird. But then
also, they're wearing football jerseys
288
00:16:55,541 --> 00:16:58,041
that say "number one home birther"
on the back of it.
289
00:16:58,125 --> 00:16:59,625
Like, "This is what we're doing?"
290
00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:02,791
"We're gonna have Tom Brady
delivering our baby? This is weird."
291
00:17:02,875 --> 00:17:06,083
But we went along with it,
we hired them, but they didn't prep me.
292
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:09,791
They didn't say, "Hey, Mo, this is what
you do the moment the contraction hits."
293
00:17:09,875 --> 00:17:10,875
Nothing. I just hear…
294
00:17:17,666 --> 00:17:19,500
I think the home is possessed.
295
00:17:19,583 --> 00:17:20,458
I start praying.
296
00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:23,500
I seek God's protection.
There is no power except through God.
297
00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:27,875
Lighting incense and sage.
I'm like, whatever works in this bitch.
298
00:17:27,958 --> 00:17:30,333
And I walk in
and she's mid-contraction. She's…
299
00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:36,166
And I ask the dumbest question possible.
"Is it time?"
300
00:17:37,041 --> 00:17:38,916
She's like, "What the hell do you think?"
301
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,375
I was like, "Sorry."
I get on the phone, I was like,
302
00:17:41,458 --> 00:17:43,291
"Hello, midwifery bitches, listen."
303
00:17:44,958 --> 00:17:47,500
"She's having contractions,
I don't know what to do."
304
00:17:47,583 --> 00:17:49,541
"Call back
when they're five minutes apart."
305
00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:51,750
I said, "Fantastic." I hung up the phone.
306
00:17:51,833 --> 00:17:54,541
I went back in the room,
she starts to have another contraction.
307
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,500
So I started to give advice.
308
00:17:58,583 --> 00:18:01,583
I was like,
"Honey, spread those knees apart, okay?"
309
00:18:01,666 --> 00:18:04,375
"Loosen up them hips,
spread those knees apart."
310
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:07,541
She goes, "You don't know
what the hell you're talking about!"
311
00:18:07,625 --> 00:18:09,291
I was like, "You right."
312
00:18:10,291 --> 00:18:12,500
"I don't know
what the hell I'm talking about,
313
00:18:12,583 --> 00:18:14,125
but this is what you wanted."
314
00:18:14,708 --> 00:18:16,583
"You wanted to have a natural home birth,
315
00:18:16,666 --> 00:18:19,916
and now you have a comedian delivering
our baby. That's what's happening."
316
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,625
"Knock knock, who's there?"
"Mo Amer, that's who's here."
317
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:30,333
"I'm not trying to be an asshole. If your
knees touch, nothing's gonna come out!"
318
00:18:31,375 --> 00:18:33,041
And then she has another contraction
319
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:35,750
and she does this odd
surfer-like motion, she goes…
320
00:18:38,125 --> 00:18:41,500
So I just go, "That's right, baby,
ride it like a wave, like this."
321
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,375
She goes, "You don't know
what you're talking about!"
322
00:18:44,458 --> 00:18:48,458
I'm like, "You right." I get on the phone,
I was like, "Midwifery bitches, listen."
323
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:52,041
"Put on your jerseys, it's game time."
324
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:00,541
Sure enough,
325
00:19:00,625 --> 00:19:02,750
they show up with their jerseys on.
326
00:19:03,666 --> 00:19:06,333
The doula and the midwife
walk into the bedroom.
327
00:19:06,416 --> 00:19:08,791
Moments later,
my wife starts another contraction.
328
00:19:11,041 --> 00:19:16,000
The doula goes, "Baby, you gotta spread
those knees apart. Loosen up them hips."
329
00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:19,166
My wife goes, "Don't you say anything."
330
00:19:19,791 --> 00:19:22,500
I was like, "I'm not saying anything,"
she does the surfer thing. Goes…
331
00:19:24,291 --> 00:19:27,666
And the doula goes, "That's right, baby,
ride it like a wave, like this."
332
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,666
I couldn't help myself, I was like,
"I fucking told you!" And I walked out.
333
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:36,500
I started smoking a joint,
I'm not gonna lie, I went outside.
334
00:19:36,583 --> 00:19:39,375
I was like,
"This is overwhelming, what are we doing?"
335
00:19:40,625 --> 00:19:43,708
This poor woman, for 27 hours
336
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,250
with no epidural
337
00:19:47,291 --> 00:19:50,750
stuck at six centimeters
the last seven hours.
338
00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,583
Okay, she was twerking with no music on.
339
00:19:53,666 --> 00:19:56,208
She's lost complete control of her legs.
340
00:19:57,625 --> 00:20:01,375
I was like, "You keep twerking like that,
I'll get you pregnant again, sweetheart."
341
00:20:02,041 --> 00:20:03,958
I didn't say it, but I thought it.
342
00:20:04,708 --> 00:20:07,500
I called an audible, was like,
"Game over, midwifery bitches."
343
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:09,791
"I'm taking her to the hospital,
this is absurd."
344
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,416
I wheel her in, nurse sees me,
goes, "What's going on?"
345
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:15,791
I was like, "We've been in labor 27 hours,
she's stuck at six centimeters
346
00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:19,375
the last 7 hours." She's like, "How do
you know?" I was like, "I'm the nurse."
347
00:20:19,458 --> 00:20:21,916
She's like, "My God,
we have to get her in right away."
348
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,916
"We have to give her an epidural,
it needs to be sanitized."
349
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:28,083
"So you need to leave."
I was like, "Fantastic."
350
00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:31,750
I went outside in front of the hospital,
lit another joint, I'm so stressed out.
351
00:20:32,416 --> 00:20:37,541
And then she texted me from
the hospital bed. She goes, "Oh my God."
352
00:20:37,625 --> 00:20:39,500
"I feel so much better."
353
00:20:39,583 --> 00:20:44,250
"I'm having a contraction
as I'm texting you and I feel nothing."
354
00:20:44,750 --> 00:20:49,916
And this part really pissed me off,
she goes, "Oh my God, we are so stupid."
355
00:20:53,041 --> 00:20:57,250
I saw red, I was like, "We? How dare you
fucking lump me into this shit?"
356
00:20:57,333 --> 00:20:59,541
"I tried to talk you out
of this midwifery shit."
357
00:20:59,625 --> 00:21:01,750
"Delete."
358
00:21:03,250 --> 00:21:05,083
It's not the move.
359
00:21:11,458 --> 00:21:15,666
I was like, "Honey, I wanted to
support you in your home birth journey."
360
00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,416
"But I knew it was a massive red flag
361
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:21,500
when they were wearing
fucking football jerseys!"
362
00:21:21,583 --> 00:21:23,916
"Delete."
363
00:21:24,458 --> 00:21:28,041
I was like, "Honey, I'm happy
you're happy." Send. That was the move.
364
00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:37,916
I get up to the hospital room,
now we're both high, you know?
365
00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:42,333
She's like, "Hey." I'm like, "Hey."
366
00:21:44,708 --> 00:21:46,208
Then she does it again, she goes,
367
00:21:46,291 --> 00:21:50,500
"So much better, we're so stupid."
I was like, "Yeah, we're so stupid."
368
00:21:54,333 --> 00:21:57,041
This poor woman again,
stuck at six centimeters,
369
00:21:57,125 --> 00:21:59,208
almost another seven hours go by.
370
00:21:59,291 --> 00:22:02,833
Finally, our doctor shows up,
she goes, "We have to get the baby out."
371
00:22:02,916 --> 00:22:05,583
I was like, "Yeah, no shit,
we have to get the baby out."
372
00:22:05,666 --> 00:22:07,500
"Breaking news, we have to get the baby,
373
00:22:07,583 --> 00:22:10,875
it's the whole purpose of this exercise
is to get the baby out."
374
00:22:10,958 --> 00:22:13,625
She's like, "Calm down,
but we have to do a C-section."
375
00:22:13,708 --> 00:22:17,500
It's like, "Whatever's best for my wife
and baby, that's all I care about."
376
00:22:17,583 --> 00:22:19,625
And then she introduces another doctor.
377
00:22:19,708 --> 00:22:24,000
And she goes, "He'll be assisting me in
the birth of your son and the procedure."
378
00:22:24,083 --> 00:22:26,291
And I looked at him,
and he's wearing a yarmulke.
379
00:22:26,375 --> 00:22:29,875
And I'm like,
"This is a setup, it's a setup!"
380
00:22:30,791 --> 00:22:33,583
"Mossad's trying to take my Palestinian
baby is what's happening!"
381
00:22:35,166 --> 00:22:38,375
I hate that I feel this way.
And then he walks up and he goes,
382
00:22:38,458 --> 00:22:39,458
"Peace be upon you."
383
00:22:39,541 --> 00:22:42,625
I was like, "That's exactly
what I would say if I was Mossad, yeah."
384
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,041
"And peace be unto you."
385
00:22:49,875 --> 00:22:51,125
Then he walks over,
386
00:22:51,208 --> 00:22:53,416
he starts to have
a conversation with my wife,
387
00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:56,875
but he's really speaking to me.
I caught it, he goes,
388
00:22:56,958 --> 00:23:01,708
"Listen, as a Moroccan Jew, I'm just here
to assist in the birth of your son."
389
00:23:01,791 --> 00:23:05,333
"Again, as a Moroccan Jew
who believes in God,
390
00:23:05,416 --> 00:23:08,291
I'm just here to assist
in the birth of your son."
391
00:23:08,375 --> 00:23:10,166
I was like, "I see what you're doing."
392
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:14,708
"You walked in, you know I'm Palestinian,
can't have this political conversation."
393
00:23:14,791 --> 00:23:17,708
{\an8}"You said, 'Salaam alaikum,'
take the edge off, walked to my wife
394
00:23:17,791 --> 00:23:20,708
said you're a Moroccan Jew,
let me know, 'I'm from North Africa.'
395
00:23:20,791 --> 00:23:24,000
'I'm almost Arab, but I'm not Arab,
almost Arab, but I'm kind of Arab.'
396
00:23:24,791 --> 00:23:26,875
'I am Jewish, but not Zionist,
is that cool?'"
397
00:23:26,958 --> 00:23:30,291
I was like, "Fuck it, cool, but I'm
watching you, Dr. Mossad."
398
00:23:31,166 --> 00:23:33,708
And then they give me
the one-size-fits-all scrubs.
399
00:23:33,791 --> 00:23:36,541
Which is a lie,
it's not one-size-fits-all at all.
400
00:23:36,625 --> 00:23:39,416
I'm just walking in like this
into the delivery room.
401
00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,250
And I watched the entire
C-section like a psycho.
402
00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:45,625
They said no one has ever done this
in the history of all the procedures.
403
00:23:45,708 --> 00:23:47,375
Like I knew what they were doing.
404
00:23:47,458 --> 00:23:50,583
I was like, "Is that a kidney?
She has two, move that out of the way."
405
00:23:50,666 --> 00:23:52,458
"Good, just take it out of there."
406
00:23:52,541 --> 00:23:55,250
They brought out my son,
and they're like, "Take a picture."
407
00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:59,250
I was like, "I don't want to take
a picture." He's like, "Take a picture."
408
00:23:59,333 --> 00:24:00,458
I was like, "Bro!"
409
00:24:00,541 --> 00:24:04,125
"My Palestinian baby's been stuck
at this checkpoint last 40 hours."
410
00:24:10,375 --> 00:24:12,416
"There's no time for photos."
411
00:24:13,208 --> 00:24:15,541
So I cleaned him up,
and I brought him to his mom.
412
00:24:15,625 --> 00:24:18,541
And she was in tears,
and I thought I would be overwhelmed.
413
00:24:18,625 --> 00:24:21,125
And nothing. I felt nothing,
I was trying, I was like…
414
00:24:22,416 --> 00:24:23,958
Nothing happened.
415
00:24:24,041 --> 00:24:28,208
And apparently this is true.
For men, it happens much later.
416
00:24:28,291 --> 00:24:31,916
Thankfully for me, it happened that night
when I did the skin-to-skin.
417
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,875
I put him on my chest, and I lost my shit.
418
00:24:34,958 --> 00:24:37,541
I just completely lost it,
I was like, "Oh my God."
419
00:24:38,291 --> 00:24:40,958
"Oh my God, it's a real baby."
420
00:24:41,791 --> 00:24:44,750
"I got to get my 401K together,
habibi, I got to get it together."
421
00:24:46,583 --> 00:24:49,375
"Baba's going to take care of you.
Don't you worry, habibi."
422
00:24:50,250 --> 00:24:53,333
"I want to let you know
I named you after your great-grandfather."
423
00:24:53,416 --> 00:24:56,500
"And your grandfather,
and your great-great-great-grandfather."
424
00:24:56,583 --> 00:24:59,875
"And your great-great… You have,
like, seven Muslim names, habibi."
425
00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:02,708
"It's going to be really hard for you
growing up in America."
426
00:25:02,791 --> 00:25:04,958
"It's going to be so hard."
427
00:25:05,041 --> 00:25:08,708
"But you're going to know
exactly where you come from, habibi."
428
00:25:08,791 --> 00:25:11,833
And the nurse walks in, she goes,
"Are you okay?" I was like, "I'm fine."
429
00:25:13,541 --> 00:25:16,416
"I'm fine, I just, you know,
in the beginning of the pregnancy,
430
00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:18,541
I had all the symptoms. You know?"
431
00:25:20,208 --> 00:25:24,583
"I had nausea, diarrhea, I had everything.
And I didn't feel anything."
432
00:25:24,666 --> 00:25:28,875
"Until now, it's all hitting me
like a train all at one time."
433
00:25:28,958 --> 00:25:31,708
"And I named him after
his great-great-grandfather."
434
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:32,791
"Praise God."
435
00:25:32,875 --> 00:25:34,791
"He looks like his great-grandfather."
436
00:25:34,875 --> 00:25:39,416
{\an8}"You don't know what subhanallah means,
but I'll show you a picture later."
437
00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:42,416
She's like, "No, he's sucking
on your titty." I was like, "Oh God."
438
00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:47,833
"Let's get him some milk," I said. Yeah.
439
00:25:48,375 --> 00:25:51,250
And that's how my son Ali was born, guys.
440
00:26:00,791 --> 00:26:02,291
Little Alilushi.
441
00:26:03,250 --> 00:26:05,500
And I did give him seven names.
442
00:26:05,583 --> 00:26:07,125
I was very deliberate about this.
443
00:26:07,208 --> 00:26:10,750
Because I want him to know
exactly where he comes from.
444
00:26:10,833 --> 00:26:13,208
It's very important.
445
00:26:13,291 --> 00:26:15,208
It's very, very important.
446
00:26:16,250 --> 00:26:19,416
And that's why I put it
in the last episode of Season 2.
447
00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:22,250
My teacher said,
"Name your great-grandfather
448
00:26:22,333 --> 00:26:26,166
from your father's side."
And I couldn't name him. I had names,
449
00:26:26,250 --> 00:26:27,916
but I couldn't exactly pinpoint it.
450
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:33,083
And he goes, "This is the lineage that you
come from. How easily are you erased?"
451
00:26:33,166 --> 00:26:35,000
I was like, "Bars!"
452
00:26:36,041 --> 00:26:39,125
So I made it my whole purpose
to understand where I come from.
453
00:26:39,208 --> 00:26:42,875
I take it so seriously
that in Season 2 of the last episode
454
00:26:42,958 --> 00:26:47,791
every cutaway that you see in Palestine
is our actual village of Burin.
455
00:26:47,875 --> 00:26:50,250
It's where we come from.
456
00:26:51,041 --> 00:26:52,250
Because…
457
00:26:52,875 --> 00:26:54,875
Because it's like a historical archive.
458
00:26:54,958 --> 00:26:58,250
No matter what happens,
my son can look at that and say,
459
00:26:58,333 --> 00:27:01,250
"This is where I come from."
You understand?
460
00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:03,583
It's very important.
461
00:27:04,166 --> 00:27:05,000
Yes.
462
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,166
And I've always been myself.
463
00:27:08,250 --> 00:27:12,500
I started stand-up as a 14-year-old kid
in the South, okay?
464
00:27:12,583 --> 00:27:15,875
Most places I went to
have never even seen an Arab person.
465
00:27:15,958 --> 00:27:17,666
And I've always been myself.
466
00:27:17,750 --> 00:27:21,750
And very early on in my career,
I was encouraged to change my name.
467
00:27:21,833 --> 00:27:25,208
And go to L.A.,
and don't tell them you're Palestinian.
468
00:27:25,291 --> 00:27:29,250
That was a big thing. I was like, I could
never do that, I would lose myself.
469
00:27:29,333 --> 00:27:32,958
However, after 9/11, I was Italian
for a solid two months, okay?
470
00:27:36,541 --> 00:27:38,666
It was just for a couple of months.
471
00:27:40,166 --> 00:27:42,458
Because I've always felt
like a fish out of water.
472
00:27:42,541 --> 00:27:44,958
I'm sure a lot of you
can relate, you know?
473
00:27:45,041 --> 00:27:47,625
I was born in Kuwait,
I went to a New English School.
474
00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:51,958
Which is a British English school.
And I spoke with a British accent.
475
00:27:52,041 --> 00:27:53,333
Which means I got to America
476
00:27:53,416 --> 00:27:56,208
and I got my ass kicked immediately,
you understand?
477
00:27:56,291 --> 00:27:58,291
I showed up to school, "Hello!"
478
00:27:58,375 --> 00:27:59,916
You know what I mean? It was that.
479
00:28:00,583 --> 00:28:04,458
I had no concept of cool,
wear this and don't wear that.
480
00:28:04,541 --> 00:28:06,250
I had nothing, okay?
481
00:28:06,333 --> 00:28:09,958
And I'm so blessed that I met
these two friends that put me on the game.
482
00:28:10,041 --> 00:28:13,625
It was Bruce, who was Black,
and Jose, who was Mexican.
483
00:28:13,708 --> 00:28:17,083
And Bruce, I found out very quickly
about Black people
484
00:28:17,166 --> 00:28:19,625
that if there's a truth
that needs to be told,
485
00:28:19,708 --> 00:28:21,916
if you're fucking up with your attire,
486
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,625
you will get scolded
in front of the entire school, okay?
487
00:28:25,708 --> 00:28:28,833
I didn't know this, I would show up
to school with the wrong shoes
488
00:28:28,916 --> 00:28:31,416
and Bruce would be like, "Oh shit!"
489
00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:33,833
"Everybody gather around."
490
00:28:33,916 --> 00:28:35,666
"Jose, come see your boy."
491
00:28:36,500 --> 00:28:40,666
"Moe's wearing Pro Wings, they're from
Payless. They're 13.99, he's poor."
492
00:28:40,750 --> 00:28:42,541
I was like, "Oh."
493
00:28:43,333 --> 00:28:45,583
I was like, "Oh, I'm poor?"
You know what I mean?
494
00:28:48,250 --> 00:28:50,000
But Jose was a little bit more tender.
495
00:28:50,083 --> 00:28:52,416
He was a little bit nicer
when I was fucking up.
496
00:28:52,500 --> 00:28:55,166
I'd be wearing the wrong thing,
and Jose would walk up like,
497
00:28:55,250 --> 00:28:56,291
"Bro, like,
498
00:28:57,166 --> 00:28:59,083
you look like a bitch, bro."
499
00:29:01,041 --> 00:29:03,291
"Who the hell dressed you, bro?"
500
00:29:03,375 --> 00:29:06,458
"I'm not gonna lie, I wanna
slap the shit out of you right now, bro."
501
00:29:06,541 --> 00:29:09,041
"Listen, we can't play today, okay?"
502
00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:12,041
"But maybe tomorrow, okay?
Maybe tomorrow."
503
00:29:12,125 --> 00:29:15,083
"Listen, I'm gonna walk away,
don't fist bump me, okay?"
504
00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:17,625
It was like that.
505
00:29:17,708 --> 00:29:21,500
And I didn't realize that British English
was very different from American English.
506
00:29:21,583 --> 00:29:24,583
So I would really fuck myself
pretty regularly, right?
507
00:29:24,666 --> 00:29:28,083
My brother got me a little kitten
to help with, like, PTSD.
508
00:29:28,166 --> 00:29:30,625
Well, the issue is that
I spoke British English.
509
00:29:30,708 --> 00:29:32,333
At home, I would never say "cat,"
510
00:29:32,416 --> 00:29:36,208
I would say "Here, pussy. Here, pussy."
511
00:29:36,291 --> 00:29:39,791
And no one corrected me at home.
I was just, "Here, pussy."
512
00:29:40,541 --> 00:29:43,250
So I decide, at recess,
513
00:29:43,333 --> 00:29:46,750
to disclose this new information
to my friend Bruce.
514
00:29:46,833 --> 00:29:50,000
I walk up to him, I was like,
"Bruce, guess what."
515
00:29:50,083 --> 00:29:51,416
And Bruce was like, "What?"
516
00:29:51,500 --> 00:29:53,916
"I have a pussy, isn't it fantastic?"
517
00:29:55,041 --> 00:29:57,291
He was like, "What? What'd you say, man?"
518
00:29:58,208 --> 00:30:00,000
"I don't think I heard you correctly."
519
00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:03,541
"I have a pussy,
it's small and fluffy, you wanna see it?"
520
00:30:05,041 --> 00:30:08,458
Bruce, immediately,
"Everybody gather around."
521
00:30:08,541 --> 00:30:11,333
"Jose, come see your boy."
522
00:30:11,416 --> 00:30:14,666
In front of the whole school,
he was like, "Mo, do you have a pussy?"
523
00:30:14,750 --> 00:30:18,333
I was like,
"Yes, I have a pussy, isn't it fantastic?"
524
00:30:18,416 --> 00:30:20,958
And Jose lost his mind,
he was like, "What, bro?"
525
00:30:21,041 --> 00:30:23,083
"Are you serious? You have a vagina?"
526
00:30:23,166 --> 00:30:24,583
{\an8}"For real, bro? Like…"
527
00:30:24,666 --> 00:30:28,541
"You've been my friend
and I didn't know you had a vagina?"
528
00:30:28,625 --> 00:30:30,666
{\an8}"Is that for real, bro?"
529
00:30:30,750 --> 00:30:33,000
"You kidding me?"
530
00:30:33,583 --> 00:30:36,666
Then he paused and he goes,
"Can I see it, bro?"
531
00:30:39,708 --> 00:30:41,458
I'm so innocent, I didn't know better.
532
00:30:41,541 --> 00:30:44,666
"You have to come to
my house if you want to see my pussy."
533
00:30:45,250 --> 00:30:47,083
Horribly traumatizing.
534
00:30:47,583 --> 00:30:52,125
I started stand-up at a very young age.
And I toured all throughout the South.
535
00:30:52,208 --> 00:30:55,375
And I'm dead serious, I was
their first interaction of an Arab person
536
00:30:55,458 --> 00:30:58,666
most of the time,
like a high percentage of the time.
537
00:30:58,750 --> 00:31:01,083
To the point where people
were shocked in the South.
538
00:31:01,166 --> 00:31:03,458
They'd walk up and be like,
"You sure you're Arab?"
539
00:31:04,166 --> 00:31:05,375
"You don't look Arab."
540
00:31:05,958 --> 00:31:08,375
Should I have
a camel with me all the time?
541
00:31:08,958 --> 00:31:12,083
Is that one of the main markers
of being an Arab?
542
00:31:12,166 --> 00:31:13,708
You have a camel just, "Excuse me,
543
00:31:13,791 --> 00:31:16,041
coming through with my camel,
just being Arab."
544
00:31:16,125 --> 00:31:19,250
"Don't pet him, he bites."
You know what I mean? Like, what the fuck?
545
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:21,583
It's so odd, all right?
546
00:31:21,666 --> 00:31:23,291
And I was doing shows pre-9/11
547
00:31:23,375 --> 00:31:28,583
and then post-9/11, around 2003,
I get a call to go to Houma, Louisiana.
548
00:31:28,666 --> 00:31:33,458
Which is just shy of New Orleans.
Straight-up Cajun hick country.
549
00:31:33,541 --> 00:31:36,375
This guy calls me up, he goes, "Hello!"
550
00:31:36,458 --> 00:31:38,458
"Is this Mo Amer?"
551
00:31:42,083 --> 00:31:43,708
I said, "Yes, this is Mo--"
552
00:31:43,791 --> 00:31:47,666
"Boy, I done heard
a lot of good things about you, baby."
553
00:31:47,750 --> 00:31:48,750
"Uh-huh."
554
00:31:48,833 --> 00:31:50,166
"Liten here."
555
00:31:50,250 --> 00:31:53,791
This guy didn't say one S
the entire conversation.
556
00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:59,333
He was like, "Liten here, I own a club
here called the Lanya Muted Cafe."
557
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:03,166
I was like, "Music?"
He go, "That right, Muted Cafe."
558
00:32:04,333 --> 00:32:07,166
"We gonna do comedy here on Wenday night."
559
00:32:07,250 --> 00:32:08,625
I was like, "Wednesday night?"
560
00:32:08,708 --> 00:32:11,583
He go, "That right, Wenday night."
561
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,208
He go, "You come on down."
562
00:32:14,291 --> 00:32:17,000
"I only got one hotel room, though,
with two beds."
563
00:32:17,083 --> 00:32:19,166
"So you can bring your own opening act."
564
00:32:19,250 --> 00:32:21,250
I was like,
"Okay, how much you gonna pay?"
565
00:32:21,333 --> 00:32:23,750
He goes, "I'm gonna pay you about $1,000."
566
00:32:23,833 --> 00:32:27,000
I was like, "Shit, baby,
I'm on my way, uh-huh."
567
00:32:27,875 --> 00:32:29,791
"Me and my camel heading out east."
568
00:32:34,250 --> 00:32:36,166
I was very excited, you know.
569
00:32:36,250 --> 00:32:41,125
2003, make 1,000 bucks in one night.
So I called up my friend Gary Bell.
570
00:32:41,208 --> 00:32:44,791
He's a comedian who lives
right on the border of Texas, Louisiana.
571
00:32:44,875 --> 00:32:48,000
And he also "Talk like this, yeah."
572
00:32:48,083 --> 00:32:50,375
And I booked him,
not because he's funny, he's not.
573
00:32:50,458 --> 00:32:54,000
He's a horrible comedian, never gonna
make it, never had a chance of making it.
574
00:32:54,083 --> 00:32:58,000
This is the most famous he'll get,
is me talking shit about him on stage.
575
00:32:58,916 --> 00:33:01,583
But I brought him
as a layer of protection, you know.
576
00:33:01,666 --> 00:33:05,791
Just in case some shit goes down, he could
be like, "Nah, y'all leave him alone."
577
00:33:05,875 --> 00:33:08,125
"He a regular Mohammed here."
You know, that's
578
00:33:08,958 --> 00:33:12,291
the only reason I booked him,
and he knew that.
579
00:33:12,791 --> 00:33:18,041
We get there, we check into the hotel,
we go to the Lanyard Muted Cafe.
580
00:33:18,625 --> 00:33:22,291
Gary Bell goes on stage
and they immediately hate him.
581
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:26,000
One guy goes,
"Who booked him, motherfucker?" Like this.
582
00:33:27,250 --> 00:33:29,750
Gary starts to freak out,
he wants to be more relatable.
583
00:33:29,833 --> 00:33:31,791
He goes, "Y'all ever been hunting?"
584
00:33:31,875 --> 00:33:35,416
A guy goes, "I'm gonna kill you
off this stage right now."
585
00:33:36,833 --> 00:33:39,416
I had to go on the stage
and take the mic from Gary.
586
00:33:39,500 --> 00:33:42,333
The only time
I've ever done this in my entire career.
587
00:33:42,416 --> 00:33:44,500
I do my set, I'm killing.
588
00:33:44,583 --> 00:33:47,041
I was like, "It's definitely you, Gary,
not the crowd."
589
00:33:47,875 --> 00:33:50,583
I walk off stage,
the club owner gives me $1,000.
590
00:33:50,666 --> 00:33:52,958
I'm like, "I am rich."
591
00:33:53,041 --> 00:33:57,125
Then I turn around, and I see a detective
and a police officer standing there.
592
00:33:57,208 --> 00:33:59,791
And the detective goes, "Come here, boy."
593
00:33:59,875 --> 00:34:03,500
And historically, nothing good
comes after, "Come here, boy."
594
00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:06,166
And this scenario was no different, right?
595
00:34:06,250 --> 00:34:08,541
He goes,
"Can I have your driver's license?"
596
00:34:08,625 --> 00:34:11,458
I was like, "Yeah, here you go,
here's my driver's license."
597
00:34:11,541 --> 00:34:14,791
And he calls it in, he goes,
598
00:34:14,875 --> 00:34:19,208
"Driver's license number one, two, seven,
nine, seven, six, two, seven." Like this.
599
00:34:19,291 --> 00:34:22,333
And the lady immediately called back,
"Yep, that him."
600
00:34:22,416 --> 00:34:24,375
I was like, "That him?"
601
00:34:25,625 --> 00:34:27,791
"Yep, that you." I was like, "That me?"
602
00:34:29,083 --> 00:34:30,750
"Yep, that you." "You sure it's me?"
603
00:34:30,833 --> 00:34:34,708
I was like, "Yeah, that you." I was like,
"Who is me, who is you, who is we?"
604
00:34:34,791 --> 00:34:36,541
"We all one." Right?
605
00:34:36,625 --> 00:34:39,250
He was like, "Nah, baby, just you."
I was like, "Oh shit."
606
00:34:39,333 --> 00:34:43,208
And he takes me outside and there's, like,
a dozen police officers waiting for me.
607
00:34:43,291 --> 00:34:45,708
There's six squad cars,
all their lights are on.
608
00:34:45,791 --> 00:34:48,166
The crowd's now starting
to gather from the show.
609
00:34:48,250 --> 00:34:52,500
Another cop pulls up and rolls down
the window, he goes, "Is that him?"
610
00:34:52,583 --> 00:34:57,625
I'm like, "Is that you, Jebediah?"
What the fuck is going on, right?
611
00:34:58,458 --> 00:35:00,541
Now another detective
walks up to me, he goes,
612
00:35:00,625 --> 00:35:03,875
"What are you doing here
In Houma, Louisiana?"
613
00:35:03,958 --> 00:35:06,666
And I'm standing there
next to the marquee that says
614
00:35:06,750 --> 00:35:10,291
"Now appearing, Mo Amer, at 8 p.m."
615
00:35:10,375 --> 00:35:12,333
And it has my picture, I'm like,
616
00:35:12,416 --> 00:35:15,833
"Bro, I don't know about
your previous investigations, but…
617
00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:20,875
this is the worst detective job
you've ever done, all right?"
618
00:35:20,958 --> 00:35:22,250
Now the crowd's chiming in,
619
00:35:22,333 --> 00:35:25,750
"Leave him alone, he was funny."
One guy said.
620
00:35:25,833 --> 00:35:28,291
Then another guy goes,
"If you're gonna arrest anybody,
621
00:35:28,375 --> 00:35:31,291
you need to arrest
that motherfucker Gary Bell."
622
00:35:33,875 --> 00:35:36,208
"For impersonating a comedian."
623
00:35:37,666 --> 00:35:39,750
And then I was like,
"Where the hell is Gary?"
624
00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:43,625
"This is precisely the scenario
I brought his bitch ass for."
625
00:35:44,125 --> 00:35:48,083
"And he's nowhere to be found." Right?
626
00:35:48,166 --> 00:35:51,500
It's crazy, then the cop goes,
"What were you doing in Japan and Korea?"
627
00:35:51,583 --> 00:35:53,208
I was like, "Wait, time-out."
628
00:35:53,291 --> 00:35:56,625
"How the fuck do you know
I even went to Japan and Korea?"
629
00:35:56,708 --> 00:35:59,916
He goes,
"Well, we done searched your room."
630
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,666
I was like,
"Oh man, you searched my room."
631
00:36:02,750 --> 00:36:05,375
"Wow, this is going to
blow your mind, okay?"
632
00:36:05,458 --> 00:36:09,125
"Because outside of Houma,
there's a whole another world out there."
633
00:36:09,666 --> 00:36:11,583
"I had a dream as a kid to be a comedian."
634
00:36:11,666 --> 00:36:14,750
"And that dream has already
taken me to Japan and Korea."
635
00:36:14,833 --> 00:36:17,458
"And most of those shows
were actually for U.S. troops."
636
00:36:17,541 --> 00:36:20,958
"Because I said to myself, after 9/11,
I was so scared to be myself."
637
00:36:21,041 --> 00:36:22,833
"If I could be myself in front of them,
638
00:36:22,916 --> 00:36:26,541
I could be myself in front of anybody.
That's what I was doing."
639
00:36:34,083 --> 00:36:36,625
His brain melted.
I was like, "I know what you think."
640
00:36:36,708 --> 00:36:38,041
"You think I'm a terrorist."
641
00:36:38,125 --> 00:36:42,083
"You think I came to Houma, Louisiana…
642
00:36:44,583 --> 00:36:46,291
of all the targets in America."
643
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,333
"Listen, man, if I was a terrorist
644
00:36:50,416 --> 00:36:53,083
and I showed up with a bomb
to Houma, Louisiana,
645
00:36:53,166 --> 00:36:56,666
I would be confused on what
to blow up in this sumbitch, okay?"
646
00:36:57,375 --> 00:37:00,875
"I got to be real with you,
this place looks like it's pre-blown up."
647
00:37:01,625 --> 00:37:05,291
"If I were to blow up a bomb here,
I'd just be redecorating the place."
648
00:37:06,208 --> 00:37:09,625
"And I would resolve
your crack problem that's clearly here."
649
00:37:09,708 --> 00:37:12,916
And the cop sincerely goes,
"Yeah, we sure do got a crack problem."
650
00:37:15,625 --> 00:37:18,041
He gave me a trash bag
full of my belongings
651
00:37:18,125 --> 00:37:20,916
and instructed me
to go to this other officer.
652
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,458
And he was going to escort me
back to the hotel.
653
00:37:23,541 --> 00:37:28,291
As we're walking off, Gary pops out
of the bushes behind the club.
654
00:37:28,375 --> 00:37:30,916
I was like,
"Gary, where the hell you been?"
655
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:35,500
And he very sincerely goes,
"They're trying to kill me."
656
00:37:36,625 --> 00:37:39,208
I was like, "I'm gonna kill you,
get your ass in the car."
657
00:37:39,291 --> 00:37:42,625
And weirdly, I felt worse for him
than I did for myself.
658
00:37:43,750 --> 00:37:46,166
We get in the cop car,
he takes us to the hotel.
659
00:37:46,250 --> 00:37:49,000
As we pull up, the cop apologizes to me.
660
00:37:49,083 --> 00:37:53,125
He goes, "Man, I am so sorry
this happened to you, sincerely."
661
00:37:53,208 --> 00:37:54,708
"But it wasn't us, okay?"
662
00:37:54,791 --> 00:37:57,750
"It was the hotel
who called the police on you."
663
00:37:57,833 --> 00:38:01,625
I was like, "Oh my God, officer,
Gary, we're going in this hotel."
664
00:38:01,708 --> 00:38:04,000
"We're going to confront
the security guard."
665
00:38:04,083 --> 00:38:06,500
And I walk in very aggressively,
666
00:38:06,583 --> 00:38:10,166
"Who was it? Who called the cops on me?"
667
00:38:10,250 --> 00:38:13,583
And this lady comes out from the back.
And she's wearing a security jacket
668
00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:16,000
and she's missing most of her front teeth.
669
00:38:16,625 --> 00:38:21,000
And every time she spoke, she either
blew wind or whistled the entire time.
670
00:38:21,541 --> 00:38:23,500
I was like,
"Why'd you call the cops on me?"
671
00:38:23,583 --> 00:38:26,250
She goes, "Hold on a second."
672
00:38:26,833 --> 00:38:29,250
"Hold on a second now."
673
00:38:29,333 --> 00:38:31,541
I was like,
"Are you watching a basketball game?"
674
00:38:31,625 --> 00:38:33,125
"What the fuck is going on?"
675
00:38:33,625 --> 00:38:37,125
"It sounds like sneakers on a hardwood
floor, I don't know what's happening."
676
00:38:37,208 --> 00:38:38,791
"Hold on a sec."
677
00:38:38,875 --> 00:38:42,750
All these stray dogs were showing up,
I'm like, "Whose dogs are these?"
678
00:38:44,583 --> 00:38:46,625
I was like,
"Why did you call the cops on me?"
679
00:38:46,708 --> 00:38:48,000
She goes, "Well,
680
00:38:49,208 --> 00:38:50,833
I've seen the name Mohammed,
681
00:38:50,916 --> 00:38:55,375
and I was like, 'Hey, we've got
a terrorist situation here.'"
682
00:38:55,958 --> 00:38:59,708
I was like, "That's all it took?
You just saw the name Mohammed
683
00:38:59,791 --> 00:39:02,166
and we've got a terrorist situation here?"
684
00:39:02,833 --> 00:39:05,166
And then she goes,
"Who's whistling?" I was like…
685
00:39:05,875 --> 00:39:07,041
I was like, "Okay."
686
00:39:08,083 --> 00:39:09,208
I was like, "Yeah."
687
00:39:10,875 --> 00:39:14,250
I was like, "I'm so sorry,
but you can't call the cops on somebody
688
00:39:14,333 --> 00:39:16,000
just because of their name."
689
00:39:16,083 --> 00:39:18,291
"You have to have real evidence."
690
00:39:18,375 --> 00:39:21,541
"And I'm so sorry our country's failed you
and you believe everything
691
00:39:21,625 --> 00:39:24,083
they're spewing at you
through this television screen."
692
00:39:24,166 --> 00:39:25,333
"That's what they want."
693
00:39:25,416 --> 00:39:29,375
"They want us to be divided so they can
conquer all of us, don't you get that?"
694
00:39:29,458 --> 00:39:31,333
And unfortunately she heard none of it.
695
00:39:31,416 --> 00:39:35,333
She goes, "Well, hold on a second,
I've seen the name Mohammed
696
00:39:35,416 --> 00:39:39,041
and I was like, 'Hey, we've
got a terrorist situation here.'"
697
00:39:39,125 --> 00:39:40,458
I looked at the officer,
698
00:39:40,541 --> 00:39:43,333
"You definitely have a crack problem here,
I'm not gonna lie."
699
00:39:45,166 --> 00:39:47,875
And the cop looks at me and goes,
"I figured out something."
700
00:39:47,958 --> 00:39:50,666
I was like, "What?
What else could there possibly be?"
701
00:39:50,750 --> 00:39:53,708
He goes, "We searched your room."
I was like, "You said that."
702
00:39:53,791 --> 00:39:56,333
He goes, "It was bothering me,
I think I figured it out."
703
00:39:56,416 --> 00:39:58,041
And he looks at Gary, he goes,
704
00:39:58,125 --> 00:40:01,250
"Gary, the porn magazines
are yours, aren't they?"
705
00:40:01,333 --> 00:40:04,458
I looked at Gary, I was like,
"You brought porn magazines?"
706
00:40:04,541 --> 00:40:07,916
I was like, "We're sharing a room, bro.
Like, how gross are you?"
707
00:40:08,666 --> 00:40:11,541
And I walk into the room
and the whole room is in shambles
708
00:40:11,625 --> 00:40:14,000
except Gary's bed, it's perfectly made.
709
00:40:14,083 --> 00:40:17,791
And they left all the porn magazines out
just to let us know
710
00:40:17,875 --> 00:40:20,833
"We know what y'all queers doing in here."
711
00:40:21,500 --> 00:40:24,000
And I looked down and I counted,
I was like, "Twelve?"
712
00:40:24,083 --> 00:40:27,166
"You brought a dozen porn magazines?"
713
00:40:27,250 --> 00:40:30,166
"Bro, how much jerking off
were you going to do tonight?"
714
00:40:30,250 --> 00:40:32,541
I was like,
"Thank God she called the cops."
715
00:40:33,916 --> 00:40:37,750
I was like, "She stopped the other
terrorist plot from happening that night."
716
00:40:42,250 --> 00:40:46,291
But I was always,
I was always a suspected terrorist.
717
00:40:46,375 --> 00:40:48,666
Until I got my TSA PreCheck.
718
00:40:50,041 --> 00:40:53,041
If you don't know what TSA PreCheck is,
719
00:40:53,125 --> 00:40:56,083
you go into the airport security office,
720
00:40:56,166 --> 00:40:58,625
you give them $100,
and you fill out the paperwork,
721
00:40:58,708 --> 00:41:01,500
you're no longer a suspected terrorist.
722
00:41:02,083 --> 00:41:04,000
It's widely known
723
00:41:04,583 --> 00:41:06,708
that terrorists hate paperwork.
724
00:41:09,291 --> 00:41:12,958
And I'm so relieved because TSA agents
are very aggressive, bro.
725
00:41:13,041 --> 00:41:16,541
I don't know what they're mad about,
but they're like, "Take out your laptop!"
726
00:41:16,625 --> 00:41:19,583
"Put it in a thing! Put it in its own
separate compartment, okay?"
727
00:41:19,666 --> 00:41:22,791
"And you push it in.
I'm not pushing it in, you push it in."
728
00:41:22,875 --> 00:41:26,291
"See it all the way through,
take off your shoes."
729
00:41:26,875 --> 00:41:30,666
God forbid you bring water.
Holy shit, okay.
730
00:41:30,750 --> 00:41:33,916
You bring water, they're like, "Aaah!"
731
00:41:35,625 --> 00:41:38,083
I'm like, "Acqua Panna?
What's wrong with Acqua Panna?"
732
00:41:38,166 --> 00:41:40,416
Like, "You can't bring this."
733
00:41:40,500 --> 00:41:42,750
They fuck your head up,
they'll walk three feet
734
00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:47,000
and they go, "You can't drink this here,
but you can drink it here if you like."
735
00:41:48,333 --> 00:41:53,208
And you don't want to be wasteful,
so you're waterboarding yourself. "God."
736
00:41:53,291 --> 00:41:57,416
"Sorry, guys, I brought a liter.
Just come on, just go ahead of me."
737
00:41:59,583 --> 00:42:04,083
So fru… I saw them berating
this old white woman in a wheelchair.
738
00:42:04,166 --> 00:42:06,583
She had apple juice
and they're just going off on her.
739
00:42:06,666 --> 00:42:08,541
And they're like, "You can't bring this!"
740
00:42:08,625 --> 00:42:11,666
And she's like, "But…
741
00:42:11,750 --> 00:42:13,750
I need it for my diabetes."
742
00:42:13,833 --> 00:42:15,625
I was like,
"Hold on a second, what the fuck?"
743
00:42:19,666 --> 00:42:21,791
They threw it away
in the trash aggressively.
744
00:42:21,875 --> 00:42:24,458
Like, "Shut up, whore!
Not today, Al-Qaeda!"
745
00:42:25,666 --> 00:42:28,041
"Not today, Osama!" I'm like, "Relax, bro,
746
00:42:28,125 --> 00:42:31,583
she needs apple juice,
just give her the fucking apple juice."
747
00:42:31,666 --> 00:42:34,875
Similar scenario,
older man, he's in a wheelchair.
748
00:42:34,958 --> 00:42:37,041
It seems like he's had
some sort of stroke.
749
00:42:37,125 --> 00:42:39,083
Because he's struggling to walk
750
00:42:39,166 --> 00:42:41,500
and they're making him
go through the X-ray machine.
751
00:42:41,583 --> 00:42:45,625
And he's walking in like this,
and they go, "Put your arms up!"
752
00:42:46,375 --> 00:42:50,291
Guy can't lift his right arm,
so he grabs it with his left hand.
753
00:42:50,375 --> 00:42:53,208
He lifts it up,
and the guy goes, "Stay still!"
754
00:42:53,875 --> 00:42:56,541
"Stay still!"
755
00:42:56,625 --> 00:42:58,958
I was like, "Fuck it,
I'm going to shoot everybody."
756
00:43:00,875 --> 00:43:04,583
"I'm going to shoot everybody. TSA
has radicalized me, that's it, it's over."
757
00:43:05,208 --> 00:43:10,458
What is this infatuation
about 3.4 ounces? I need to know, okay?
758
00:43:11,458 --> 00:43:12,541
They're just like…
759
00:43:13,291 --> 00:43:16,125
"What's wrong?"
"It says 4.2 ounces, that's what's wrong."
760
00:43:16,750 --> 00:43:19,166
"Well, 80% of the liquid is gone,
what's the problem?"
761
00:43:19,250 --> 00:43:22,000
"It doesn't matter,
the bottle is 4.2 ounces."
762
00:43:25,208 --> 00:43:28,500
Like, is this fluid that can be made
into a bomb or something?
763
00:43:28,583 --> 00:43:30,250
Is that what the issue is?
764
00:43:30,333 --> 00:43:34,583
Where there's no restrictions
on how many 3.4 ounces
765
00:43:35,083 --> 00:43:36,375
you could bring. I mean,
766
00:43:37,041 --> 00:43:39,458
technically, you could just
mix them shits later.
767
00:43:40,958 --> 00:43:43,333
Please God, nobody do this. Please, God.
768
00:43:44,375 --> 00:43:46,041
Please God, nobody do this.
769
00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:49,916
"Anti-Semitic, Semitic, white supremacist,
770
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,958
terrorist comedian
last night in Washington, D.C.
771
00:43:53,625 --> 00:43:57,750
promotes making some kind of liquid bombs
at the Warner Theatre."
772
00:43:57,833 --> 00:44:01,958
"Mo, do you have any comments?"
"Hold on a second. Myrtle, please."
773
00:44:02,750 --> 00:44:04,875
"Hold on a second, son of a bitch."
774
00:44:08,333 --> 00:44:11,291
She's like, "What goes around
comes around, son of a bitch."
775
00:44:15,708 --> 00:44:17,791
Maybe it's true,
what goes around comes around.
776
00:44:17,875 --> 00:44:21,041
Maybe that's why the heightened
racism is happening right now.
777
00:44:21,125 --> 00:44:23,291
Maybe that's what
white people are so afraid of.
778
00:44:23,375 --> 00:44:26,291
Not the white people here, don't worry.
Hug a white person.
779
00:44:26,375 --> 00:44:29,666
Hug a white person if they're next to you.
I'm not talking about you.
780
00:44:30,958 --> 00:44:32,958
But genuinely, is that what the fear is?
781
00:44:33,041 --> 00:44:34,833
Because we know what happened,
782
00:44:34,916 --> 00:44:38,208
we know what happened
with the Indigenous population in America,
783
00:44:38,291 --> 00:44:42,625
African Americans with slavery,
the Chinese with the railroad.
784
00:44:43,208 --> 00:44:45,125
Mexicans, what were Mexicans doing?
785
00:44:45,208 --> 00:44:49,041
They were just coming back. This is where
they come from, they're just coming back.
786
00:44:49,125 --> 00:44:52,625
And they say that DNA…
787
00:44:52,708 --> 00:44:55,375
They say DNA carries traumatic memories.
788
00:44:55,458 --> 00:44:57,375
So they don't know
why they're coming back.
789
00:44:57,458 --> 00:44:59,750
They're just like,
"I don't know, bro, pero, like…"
790
00:44:59,833 --> 00:45:03,125
"I don't know where I'm going,
pero, like, necesito, bro, like…"
791
00:45:03,208 --> 00:45:05,208
"I just gotta go, bro."
792
00:45:05,291 --> 00:45:09,250
"I didn't do nothing, my great-grandfather
forgot something, vato, that's all, bro."
793
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,500
We have Muslims,
all shapes and sizes and colors
794
00:45:14,583 --> 00:45:17,625
dealing with discrimination.
I mean, who's next? White people.
795
00:45:17,708 --> 00:45:21,291
Maybe that's the fear,
it's going to come back to them.
796
00:45:21,375 --> 00:45:23,458
Maybe they have a scenario in their head
797
00:45:23,541 --> 00:45:25,958
where there's a white guy
walking into a house of pies
798
00:45:26,041 --> 00:45:28,750
and there's a Black guy
working behind the counter.
799
00:45:28,833 --> 00:45:30,958
And he walks in, he's like, "Excuse me."
800
00:45:31,041 --> 00:45:33,666
"Can I get a slice
of that pecan pie, please?"
801
00:45:34,291 --> 00:45:36,708
And the Black guy
behind the counter is like, "Sorry."
802
00:45:36,791 --> 00:45:39,458
"We don't serve your kind
around here, cracker." You know?
803
00:45:41,500 --> 00:45:44,333
"Oh, you want to speak to the manager?
Say, Jose!"
804
00:45:45,875 --> 00:45:48,166
And Jose's like,
"What are you doing here, gringo?"
805
00:45:48,250 --> 00:45:50,583
"Like, come on, bro,
you can't be sitting here."
806
00:45:50,666 --> 00:45:52,708
"We got real customers coming in, bro."
807
00:45:52,791 --> 00:45:53,750
"Like…"
808
00:45:53,833 --> 00:45:54,750
"Ew, man…"
809
00:45:54,833 --> 00:45:56,500
{\an8}"Come on, bro."
810
00:45:56,583 --> 00:45:58,833
"You want to speak to the owner?
He Chinese, bro."
811
00:45:58,916 --> 00:46:00,500
"They own everything now."
812
00:46:01,125 --> 00:46:04,750
And the white guy was like, "Well,
fuck you guys." And he just walks out.
813
00:46:10,250 --> 00:46:14,083
No one is better than anybody else.
814
00:46:14,166 --> 00:46:15,166
Nobody.
815
00:46:17,166 --> 00:46:18,166
Nobody.
816
00:46:23,583 --> 00:46:29,250
Bro, it seems like history
repeats itself time and time again.
817
00:46:30,208 --> 00:46:34,208
My mother said to me fairly recently,
and this really jarred me.
818
00:46:34,291 --> 00:46:40,541
She goes, "I feel like I'm living
the same life as my grandmothers."
819
00:46:41,625 --> 00:46:43,916
And that really hit hard.
820
00:46:44,416 --> 00:46:45,875
And time
821
00:46:46,375 --> 00:46:48,625
is undefeated.
822
00:46:48,708 --> 00:46:52,125
Time is fleeting, and time flies.
823
00:46:52,708 --> 00:46:55,083
And you can't go back in time.
824
00:46:55,750 --> 00:46:57,875
Some people are like,
"I'll just make up time."
825
00:46:57,958 --> 00:46:59,916
You can't make up time.
826
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:04,000
You can make time,
but there's never enough time.
827
00:47:04,083 --> 00:47:05,958
My friend doesn't give a shit about time.
828
00:47:06,041 --> 00:47:07,833
He's like, "I'm going to go kill time."
829
00:47:07,916 --> 00:47:11,916
"You're going to go kill time?
There's no time to kill."
830
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:13,958
He's like,
"I'm going to watch Love Island."
831
00:47:14,041 --> 00:47:15,750
Love Island?
832
00:47:16,416 --> 00:47:18,166
Next thing you know, I got sucked in,
833
00:47:18,250 --> 00:47:20,625
"Huda, why are you doing this, Huda?"
834
00:47:21,375 --> 00:47:24,125
"Oh, Huda, why?"
835
00:47:25,166 --> 00:47:27,750
"Don't be jealous,
you just unloaded on Jeremiah."
836
00:47:27,833 --> 00:47:31,083
"And he's just juggling his feelings.
Everybody's kissing everybody,
837
00:47:31,166 --> 00:47:33,750
and Chelley and Ace
are not even a real relationship,
838
00:47:33,833 --> 00:47:35,875
they're just in it for the fucking money."
839
00:47:35,958 --> 00:47:41,083
I was like, "Oh my God, 40 episodes,
40 hours, what a waste of time."
840
00:47:42,958 --> 00:47:45,625
Whatever it is,
you don't want to be ahead of your time.
841
00:47:45,708 --> 00:47:48,291
If you're ahead of your time,
you're probably dead.
842
00:47:49,208 --> 00:47:51,041
Everybody who dies young,
843
00:47:51,125 --> 00:47:53,541
it's always like,
"Oh, he was ahead of his time."
844
00:47:55,250 --> 00:47:57,666
"He was so far ahead of his time."
845
00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:02,291
"So far in the future,
he just died, yeah."
846
00:48:03,708 --> 00:48:08,791
Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley,
Amy Winehouse, Chris Farley.
847
00:48:08,875 --> 00:48:11,333
All ahead of their time.
848
00:48:12,333 --> 00:48:13,791
Jeffrey Epstein.
849
00:48:15,500 --> 00:48:20,000
Well, he was doing hard time
in the wrong place at the wrong time.
850
00:48:20,750 --> 00:48:23,875
That whole situation
is a ticking time bomb.
851
00:48:24,958 --> 00:48:28,500
It seems like terrible people
take forever to die.
852
00:48:28,583 --> 00:48:32,625
And when they do die,
everyone's like, "It's about damn time."
853
00:48:32,708 --> 00:48:36,125
"I thought that son of a bitch
was never going to die."
854
00:48:36,208 --> 00:48:38,583
"I thought he had
all the time in the world."
855
00:48:38,666 --> 00:48:43,750
"Yeah, it was all in due time.
You can never run away from time. Yeah."
856
00:48:44,250 --> 00:48:48,250
Some people say,
"Mo, you're so ahead of your time."
857
00:48:48,333 --> 00:48:51,541
"You're the first Arab-American comedian
to have a stand-up special."
858
00:48:51,625 --> 00:48:54,583
"You wore a keffiyeh
in the first stand-up special."
859
00:48:54,666 --> 00:48:59,541
"You made the first
Palestinian-American television show."
860
00:49:04,250 --> 00:49:07,083
No, I said, "Fuck that, I don't
want to be ahead of my time."
861
00:49:07,166 --> 00:49:10,583
I want to be right on time. I wanna
be in the right place at the right time.
862
00:49:10,666 --> 00:49:12,458
I wanna be timely, I wanna be timeless.
863
00:49:12,541 --> 00:49:15,958
I want to make it in the nick of time,
with plenty of time to spare.
864
00:49:16,041 --> 00:49:18,666
So I can spend quality time
with those who really care.
865
00:49:18,750 --> 00:49:21,541
The people who will be there for me
at any moment in time.
866
00:49:21,625 --> 00:49:24,916
So I don't have to go back in time,
I don't have to make up time.
867
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:28,333
I can just be present
in this moment in time.
868
00:49:33,416 --> 00:49:38,125
So if you really care, you should
check in on each other from time to time.
869
00:49:39,041 --> 00:49:44,541
My mom always says this to me,
"If you love me, show me."
870
00:49:45,875 --> 00:49:50,791
And that's why I'm so utterly frustrated
with DJ Khaled, genuinely.
871
00:49:53,708 --> 00:49:57,125
No, I'm serious, he's Palestinian.
In the end, he's one of us.
872
00:49:57,208 --> 00:50:01,916
And in these unprecedented times,
instead of being with the times
873
00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:03,458
he's behind the times.
874
00:50:03,541 --> 00:50:07,000
And for this guy, it's always dinner time.
875
00:50:08,125 --> 00:50:10,750
I know, it's a fat-on-fat crime.
876
00:50:12,375 --> 00:50:15,875
I didn't want to say this,
who put it in my heart? God did!
877
00:50:17,333 --> 00:50:20,041
But he's not the only one
behind the times.
878
00:50:20,125 --> 00:50:22,791
There's many other ones.
879
00:50:22,875 --> 00:50:25,875
I'm not going to name names. Seinfeld.
880
00:50:31,083 --> 00:50:34,916
I believe he said,
"I don't care about Palestine."
881
00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:37,750
Well, Jerry, I care about everyone.
882
00:50:37,833 --> 00:50:42,166
And it's better to kill time
than kill with your time.
883
00:50:42,750 --> 00:50:45,666
Festivus for the rest of us.
884
00:50:46,916 --> 00:50:49,750
I used to watch that show
in much simpler times.
885
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:54,625
What does it say about these times
that the world trusts Ms. Rachel
886
00:50:54,708 --> 00:50:56,750
more than The New York Times?
887
00:51:02,750 --> 00:51:06,541
Welcome to Real Time with Mo Amer. Yes.
888
00:51:07,750 --> 00:51:10,916
I hate to break it to you,
but we're all going to die.
889
00:51:11,708 --> 00:51:16,625
We're all going to die. You could say
we're here for a limited time only.
890
00:51:16,708 --> 00:51:19,666
And time is of the essence.
I could go on and on.
891
00:51:19,750 --> 00:51:22,416
Unfortunately, I'm almost out of time.
892
00:51:22,500 --> 00:51:24,666
Because it's prime time
and the clock's ticking.
893
00:51:24,750 --> 00:51:28,250
We're on borrowed time and every second
counts. We're down to the wire.
894
00:51:28,333 --> 00:51:31,291
And in this life, there's no overtime.
895
00:51:31,375 --> 00:51:35,375
And you have to remember the one
who transcends space and time.
896
00:51:35,458 --> 00:51:37,458
The next thing you know, there's no time.
897
00:51:37,541 --> 00:51:40,041
We thought we were big-time,
we're actually small-time.
898
00:51:40,125 --> 00:51:44,458
And now we're pressed for time.
It's a race against time.
899
00:51:44,541 --> 00:51:50,166
It's high time, it's crunch time,
it's go time, it's the end of times.
900
00:51:50,250 --> 00:51:53,041
Until next time. Myrtle?
901
00:51:53,541 --> 00:51:55,375
"Free Palestine!"
902
00:51:57,416 --> 00:52:00,083
Thank you so much, Washington, D.C.
903
00:52:01,708 --> 00:52:03,875
I love you from the bottom of my heart.
904
00:52:04,541 --> 00:52:06,875
Thank you so much for coming out tonight.
905
00:52:06,958 --> 00:52:08,291
Now I’ve been happy lately
906
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:09,375
Thank you.
907
00:52:10,125 --> 00:52:13,250
Thinking about the good things to come
908
00:52:13,333 --> 00:52:19,083
And I believe it could be
Something good has begun
909
00:52:19,166 --> 00:52:21,958
Oh I’ve been smiling lately
910
00:52:22,041 --> 00:52:25,166
Dreaming about the world as one
911
00:52:25,250 --> 00:52:28,083
And I believe it could be
912
00:52:28,166 --> 00:52:30,875
Some day it’s going to come
913
00:52:30,958 --> 00:52:34,333
‘Cause out on the edge of darkness
914
00:52:34,416 --> 00:52:36,583
There rides a peace train
915
00:52:36,666 --> 00:52:39,875
Oh peace train take this country
916
00:52:39,958 --> 00:52:41,916
Come take me home again
917
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:45,291
I love you so much, it means
the absolute world to me, thank you.
918
00:52:45,833 --> 00:52:48,833
{\an8}How are you? Jeez, it's great to be here.
919
00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:51,125
{\an8}People always say that shit, don't they?
920
00:52:52,708 --> 00:52:55,791
{\an8}People always say that shit,
but they don't mean it. I mean it.
921
00:52:57,500 --> 00:52:59,708
Glide on the peace train
922
00:53:03,833 --> 00:53:06,041
Come on now peace train
923
00:53:06,125 --> 00:53:09,416
Yes, peace train holy roller
924
00:53:09,500 --> 00:53:12,333
Everyone jump upon the peace train
925
00:53:15,416 --> 00:53:18,041
Come on the peace train
926
00:53:18,125 --> 00:53:20,833
Get your bags together
927
00:53:20,916 --> 00:53:23,708
Go bring your good friends too
928
00:53:23,791 --> 00:53:26,958
‘Cause it’s getting nearer
929
00:53:27,041 --> 00:53:29,291
It soon will be with you
930
00:53:29,375 --> 00:53:31,875
{\an8}Now come and join the living