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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

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(Phone ringing)

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Your call may be
monitored or recorded

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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for quality or
training purposes.

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("On hold" music)

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Thank you for calling
Donor [inaudible].

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Hi. My name is Jennifer.
How may I help you?

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Hi, my name is Julia,

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and I have 14 frozen eggs
in a cryobank that I would like

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to donate to somebody
who might try to use them.

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Do you guys do
that sort of thing?

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Hey Julia, that is
super generous of you.

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But, you know,

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we actually do not take
donated eggs in that way.

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The eggs that are donated to us,

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the donors have to go take
all the testing and have the

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retrieval done at
our partner clinic.

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Okay, thanks for your help.

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(Gentle music)

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All right, Julia,
have a good day.

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You too.

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I had frozen my
eggs 10 years earlier.

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Egg freezing was definitely
a strange experience.

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After all the doctor's visits
and tests and injections,

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I went under and when I woke up,

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they said they
harvested 14 eggs.

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But I've never seen them.

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I don't even know
where the cryobank is.

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And of course, if
you want to use them,

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you don't know
if they will work.

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Except I know I won't use them.

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(Car door closes)

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I have no children and
I will not be having any.

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(Rumble of car driving away)

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I have tons of
reasons for why not,

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the biggest being financial.

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(Bell ring sound)

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I also didn't meet my
partner till I was 40.

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(Sliding surface sound)

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And my experience with
my family, made me reluctant

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to start my own.

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Women are meant
to have kids, right?

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I mean, it's how we keep
the human race going.

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So as I tried to figure out
what the hell's wrong with me,

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I started talking
to other women.

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(Phone ringing)

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Turns out their reasons for not

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(Popping sounds)

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having kids are
as varied as mine.

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(Click sound)

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Some of us never wanted them.

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Others would have had kids if

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things had worked
out differently.

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Probably myself included.

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(Doors open and close)

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And we're much more normal,

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or at least more
numerous than I thought.

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(Gentle music continues)

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I've always wanted children.

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I don't remember
ever wanting children.

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I always assumed
I would have them.

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I wanted children growing up.

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I wanted to have them young.

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I can't remember at any
age ever thinking, gosh,

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I'd really like to have a kid.

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I didn't actually even
want to get married.

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Growing up didn't...
really want kids.

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I was 16 when I started thinking
about not having children.

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The birth rates all over the
world have been dropping.

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And this comes generally
with development.

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When people no
longer require for

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their livelihood to have lots of

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children, such as,
if you become an urban society,

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(Traffic sounds)

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you're much less likely to
have lots and lots of kids.

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And then the other thing
is that since antibiotics and...

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(High pitched sound)

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vaccines have made the
child death rate go down,

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you didn't have to have so

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many children to have a few

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survive into adulthood.

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And with good access to birth

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control, in the 20th century,

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we've seen all over the

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world birth rates dropping.

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It's good news, right?

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In the US,

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we had a fairly high birth rate

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for a developed country,

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up until the 70s.

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And then it started to drop.

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More recently,

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it is at a historic low.

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So it all started when I

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received the
annual bill from the

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(Key turning)

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cryobank for storage of the
eggs, and decided not to renew.

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Studies suggest that 85 to 90
percent of women who freeze eggs

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(Sliding paper out of envelope)

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for later do not
return to use them.

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Seems wasteful to me,

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especially with
so many infertile

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people out there
seeking egg donors.

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So I began exploring, whether I
can give my eggs to someone.

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My other options
would be to trash them,

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(Clicking of mouse)

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or donate them to science.

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So when we look
at fertility in the US,

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right now it's around
1.65 kids per woman

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if birth rates remain
stable at their current levels.

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We have to ask,
is that what people want?

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Are birth rates what they
are because people really,

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really want 1.6 kids?

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And the answer is no,

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this is not what people
want on average.

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When you survey women
in the US, concretely,

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You know, concretely

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how many children realistically
do you really intend to have?

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And the answer that
women tend to give in the US

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and also in most other
industrialized countries

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is between 2 and 2.2.

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(High five slap)

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So women intends to have,
about two or a little more than

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two kids and yet
end up with 1.6.

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(Soft squeak)

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So when that is so widespread,

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when that gap is half
a child per woman,

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which is a way of saying every
other woman is missing a child

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(Pop sound)

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that demands explanation.

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(Gentle music)

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How old were you when you
decided not to have children?

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How did that
decision come about?

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I did a lot of
babysitting growing up.

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I worked at a camp.
I worked at a daycare.

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And I know very intimately what
is involved in rearing a child.

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I knew that it
took a lot of work,

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and originally I was up
for it, and I wanted kids,

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I wanted three girls,

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and for me it was more of
an evolution where, the scales

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were tipping in
the other direction.

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Things like climate change
made me more scared about

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whether I wanted to bring
the child into the world,

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but there was never one

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particular point
where I was like,

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nope, that's it,
I'm not having kids.

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I grew up in Haiti
up until I was 16

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and then moved to the States.

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I've seen what the future
would be like for any child that

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were to live in Haiti and...
what that would look like.

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And I decided that that's not

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something I would
want for my offspring.

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And then I moved here, and I
saw that black bodies weren't

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treated any better here.

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So I wouldn't want to
have kids here either.

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Every time I see,
situations like Tamir Rice's,

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Breonna Taylor's, Atatiana
Jefferson, and what their moms',

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what their moms' feel like,
more than anything,

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and the inability
to move forward.

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Trayvon Martin, until today,

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that is probably one of the
cases that affect me the most

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because when I see Sybrina,

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I can always feel that she
feels like a part of her is

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missing and that part
will be missing forever.

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And that kind of pain,
I never want to experience that.

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And I'm not saying that if I
were to have kids tomorrow,

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something like this would
have happened to them.

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I just do not ever want to
know what that feels like.

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And I rather, go about my life
without ever experiencing that.

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I don't want it.

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I am an AFAB person: assigned
female at birth, non-binary.

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That's how I identify
gender-wise, and sexuality,

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I would say I'm queer.

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Yeah, I'm also an AFAB
non-binary individual,

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and I also identify as queer.

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I think when I was younger,

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a lot of my friends
would talk about it,

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and I definitely felt like,

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yeah, like, that's
what we do, right?

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Women have babies,
and there was play around that,

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but I think that I never
felt super tied to it,

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and then when I came
out as queer in high school,

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and then
subsequently since that,

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it's changed a lot
in terms of, like,

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Oh, I recognize that that is,
something in the world,

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and maybe not necessarily
something for me.

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I don't remember ever
wanting children.

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I always assumed
I would have them.

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It just felt like this...

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It just felt inevitable to me,

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the idea of having children.

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Like the same way
I feel about death.

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It was just something,
I couldn't stop,

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I'd have to make peace with.

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I remember a pregnancy scare.

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A couple of years maybe,

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maybe not, maybe a
year after we got married,

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and being shocked
by the feeling that I had:

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dread...

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(Sad piano)

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horror...

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the deepest sadness that I
can really remember feeling at

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the prospect that I
could be pregnant.

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And that was shocking to me.

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And that's probably when it
became clear to me that this

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wasn't a done deal.

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00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:11,900
This wasn't something that,
I was going to be happy to do or

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happy to do or do at all.

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And maybe there
was another option.

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One donor program that
said they don't use previously

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frozen eggs, suggested I
try an app created specifically

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00:09:27,327 --> 00:09:29,579
for connecting people
who want to make a baby.

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It can help you
find a co-parent,

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a sperm donor, surrogate,

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or egg donor.

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00:09:36,814 --> 00:09:37,851
Bingo.

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(Phone notification)

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00:09:40,923 --> 00:09:43,280
Within 10 minutes,
I had my first like.

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(Quirky music)

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It was from a man
who was offering sperm.

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00:09:47,388 --> 00:09:51,184
Ash, 24, just wants to
help someone start a family.

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00:09:51,643 --> 00:09:54,270
That's nice, but I'm not
looking to start a family.

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00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:57,196
So, clearly Ash
hadn't read my profile.

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00:09:58,307 --> 00:09:59,368
(Phone notification)

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00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:03,687
Simon, 34, would like to donate
sperm to a lesbian couple.

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00:10:03,876 --> 00:10:05,544
(Quirky music continues)

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00:10:05,568 --> 00:10:08,821
However, I'm not a lesbian
couple, nor am I seeking sperm.

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00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:09,878
(Phone notification)

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00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:14,105
Roger, 40, claims to have
had 10 successful donations.

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00:10:14,874 --> 00:10:16,834
He's scheduled a
vasectomy in two months,

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00:10:16,834 --> 00:10:19,942
so anyone who still wants
his sperm needs to act fast.

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(Phone notification)

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00:10:20,871 --> 00:10:24,617
Lucian, 40, a science tech
founder from Copenhagen,

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claims to have scored
a 144 IQ on the SATs,

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a test that does not measure IQ.

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00:10:31,751 --> 00:10:32,951
(Phone notification)

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00:10:32,975 --> 00:10:36,020
Joseph, 27, has had
three successful donations.

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00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:40,403
He's offering AI / PI / NI.

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I had to Google that.

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AI is artificial insemination.

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PI is partial insemination,

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wherein a man masturbates
until near completion and then

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ejaculates into the woman.

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NI is natural insemination,
or good old fashioned sex.

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Within a day,

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there were dozens of men
who wanted to offer me sperm.

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00:11:07,135 --> 00:11:08,052
So when I was a kid,

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I remember telling the other
most high achieving student

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in my class, that I didn't
want to have children.

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And she said to me, well, then
what is the point of living?

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And I was just so confused.

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I said, well, I don't know,

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I might discover a cure for
cancer and affect millions of

255
00:11:29,031 --> 00:11:30,199
people in the world.

256
00:11:31,075 --> 00:11:34,847
Why is having children the
only way that, living matters?

257
00:11:34,987 --> 00:11:37,081
To me, it's not a
very effective way

258
00:11:37,081 --> 00:11:39,292
of making an impact...
to have children.

259
00:11:40,209 --> 00:11:44,297
And maybe that's because
when you have a child,

260
00:11:44,297 --> 00:11:45,631
you get what you get.

261
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:51,336
You might have a child
who's talented and intelligent,

262
00:11:51,387 --> 00:11:56,100
or you might have a child
who's difficult and uninterested

263
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:57,518
in anything.

264
00:11:57,518 --> 00:11:58,686
You never know.

265
00:11:59,061 --> 00:12:00,188
So in a way,

266
00:12:00,188 --> 00:12:04,108
the students I teach are
selected for being the people

267
00:12:04,108 --> 00:12:08,404
maybe who most need
my kind of influence,

268
00:12:08,404 --> 00:12:12,408
because they're super interested
in equations and also in

269
00:12:13,117 --> 00:12:14,452
changing the world.

270
00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:15,947
So, those are the people
that I want to work with.

271
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,049
(Whooshing)

272
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:21,658
I ended up meeting somebody
who I cared very deeply for,

273
00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:23,480
who was not Mormon,

274
00:12:24,420 --> 00:12:28,716
and that was not okay
within my Mormon community.

275
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,000
Mormons believe that...

276
00:12:34,430 --> 00:12:36,265
So in a life after death,

277
00:12:36,265 --> 00:12:38,643
which is not unique
to Mormonism, but,

278
00:12:38,643 --> 00:12:41,103
that you have an eternal family.

279
00:12:41,437 --> 00:12:43,606
So if you are not married to
somebody who is Mormon and

280
00:12:43,606 --> 00:12:46,984
have children in that Mormon
union, in a Mormon temple,

281
00:12:47,652 --> 00:12:50,363
then when you die, you are
separated from your family.

282
00:12:50,988 --> 00:12:53,157
So that became a big
issue with people around me.

283
00:12:53,157 --> 00:12:56,160
But wait a minute, so if you got
married and then you had kids,

284
00:12:56,577 --> 00:12:58,746
you would not be able to be
with your children for forever.

285
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,864
And how devastating
that would be.

286
00:13:01,499 --> 00:13:04,252
And that was really when
things started to crack for me.

287
00:13:04,490 --> 00:13:05,980
And I remember him saying,

288
00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:09,340
if this was just about
you and me, it'd be great,

289
00:13:09,340 --> 00:13:10,883
but we both want children,

290
00:13:10,883 --> 00:13:14,262
and I don't want my kids
raised Mormon, and you do.

291
00:13:14,762 --> 00:13:17,807
And I remember saying to him,
I don't know any other way.

292
00:13:18,933 --> 00:13:22,854
And I have a list of reasons,
that I would want to have a kid.

293
00:13:23,688 --> 00:13:27,775
And they are all bad
reasons for having a kid.

294
00:13:28,392 --> 00:13:31,019
I wanted someone to name
after my great-aunt, Esther

295
00:13:31,028 --> 00:13:32,655
with whom I was very close.

296
00:13:34,866 --> 00:13:37,250
I wanted to make birth

297
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:39,027
announcements,
because I love paper.

298
00:13:40,334 --> 00:13:41,139
(Swishing sound)

299
00:13:41,163 --> 00:13:45,042
I wanted someone to take
care of me when I get old.

300
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,135
(Wheels rotating)

301
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,889
All of these things,
were things that were about me.

302
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:53,124
I also, I realized,
I'm like, well,

303
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:56,721
if I wanted to raise a kid
and I wanted to be selfless

304
00:13:56,721 --> 00:14:00,369
about it, I would adopt
a kid that already exists,

305
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:03,516
because there are plenty of kids
in this world who need families.

306
00:14:05,104 --> 00:14:06,397
I'm like, but you know,

307
00:14:06,397 --> 00:14:09,066
if it doesn't look like me
and it's not related to me,

308
00:14:09,066 --> 00:14:10,568
do I want to put that
much effort into it?

309
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:13,155
I'm like...okay,

310
00:14:13,571 --> 00:14:15,531
there's another strike
against having a kid,

311
00:14:15,531 --> 00:14:17,681
because that is bad.

312
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:22,445
That is all about me wanting
to procreate for my own good,

313
00:14:22,496 --> 00:14:25,166
which I think is a lot of the
reason that people do that.

314
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:28,076
And I realized, you know,
I don't really like them.

315
00:14:28,085 --> 00:14:29,337
And I worked with
someone who said to me,

316
00:14:29,337 --> 00:14:30,963
oh, I don't like other
people's children.

317
00:14:30,963 --> 00:14:31,687
I like my children.

318
00:14:31,751 --> 00:14:32,816
(Babies crying)

319
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:33,886
Well, okay.

320
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:38,689
I'm hoping that if I do have
a kid, I would like them.

321
00:14:38,751 --> 00:14:39,613
(Hard rock music)

322
00:14:39,709 --> 00:14:41,309
But maybe I wouldn't

323
00:14:41,392 --> 00:14:44,896
You know, my husband's
family, didn't like him.

324
00:14:46,312 --> 00:14:47,355
And...

325
00:14:49,528 --> 00:14:53,836
I'm very involved in gay
and lesbian civil rights

326
00:14:53,861 --> 00:14:55,488
issues, because I
have a gay brother,

327
00:14:56,197 --> 00:14:57,813
and I have seen

328
00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,176
how horrible people can
be to their own children.

329
00:15:01,702 --> 00:15:04,622
And it made me realize that not
all parents love their children.

330
00:15:05,781 --> 00:15:09,034
I actually wanted to ask
whether you remembered...at what

331
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:14,873
point I made that decision
because I remember that, my

332
00:15:14,966 --> 00:15:18,344
relationship with Bill, who was

333
00:15:19,261 --> 00:15:22,606
A very... horrible, horrible
abusive relationship.

334
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,050
I remember that we
talked about having a son

335
00:15:25,142 --> 00:15:26,572
and naming him Batman.

336
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,928
Oh, yes, I recall.

337
00:15:27,953 --> 00:15:32,958
So, at some point in there,
it happened, and...

338
00:15:34,568 --> 00:15:35,611
I don't remember when.

339
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:40,081
I didn't think that you and
Bill were actually talking

340
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,481
about a real human child that
you had ever named Batman.

341
00:15:42,913 --> 00:15:45,249
And so I thought that
you never wanted kids.

342
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,114
That, like, you
knew what it was like.

343
00:15:47,123 --> 00:15:48,374
You had a toddler at home.

344
00:15:48,542 --> 00:15:50,211
(Gentle piano)

345
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:52,661
I did have a toddler at home.

346
00:15:53,671 --> 00:15:55,965
I was an only child until age 14

347
00:15:55,965 --> 00:15:57,967
when my mom married this man.

348
00:15:57,967 --> 00:15:59,844
And when I was 16,
they had a son.

349
00:16:01,345 --> 00:16:03,723
And I was so excited about it.

350
00:16:04,598 --> 00:16:06,851
She would read "What to
Expect When You're Expecting,"

351
00:16:07,101 --> 00:16:10,146
when she was expecting,
and then pass it on to me.

352
00:16:10,146 --> 00:16:11,147
And then I would read it.

353
00:16:11,459 --> 00:16:14,258
(Playing games with baby)

354
00:16:14,608 --> 00:16:17,528
And I was super hands-on
with the colics and the feeding

355
00:16:17,528 --> 00:16:19,655
and the diapers and the
baby books and everything.

356
00:16:21,073 --> 00:16:23,242
He definitely did
not feel like a sibling.

357
00:16:23,876 --> 00:16:25,556
(Gentle piano continues)

358
00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:29,114
He felt very much like a child.

359
00:16:31,083 --> 00:16:33,935
(Indistinct)

360
00:16:36,747 --> 00:16:38,031
How old are you?

361
00:16:39,341 --> 00:16:40,398
Four.

362
00:16:41,302 --> 00:16:43,054
Who is your favorite sister?

363
00:16:44,096 --> 00:16:45,639
Julia.

364
00:16:47,099 --> 00:16:51,520
What my experience with my
brother was is that I feel like

365
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:57,860
I had the heartbreak,
of half raising a child and then

366
00:16:58,644 --> 00:17:04,275
having him turn out,
in a way that,

367
00:17:06,368 --> 00:17:07,453
I don't know how to put this.

368
00:17:13,042 --> 00:17:14,126
There's nothing there.

369
00:17:15,086 --> 00:17:15,628
There's no,

370
00:17:15,628 --> 00:17:17,922
I have no relationship with
him because he doesn't respond

371
00:17:17,922 --> 00:17:19,799
to a single text
or a single email.

372
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:23,069
I feel like, he's somebody
who will not hold my hand

373
00:17:23,094 --> 00:17:24,189
when I'm dying.

374
00:17:25,137 --> 00:17:29,517
But I will say that
Maurice is...26.

375
00:17:29,517 --> 00:17:32,019
Do you know what I
was doing when I was 26?

376
00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:35,014
Holding lots of dying people's
hands is what I was doing.

377
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:38,836
But you grew up in very
different environments and so

378
00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:41,253
there's still a lot of
living left and a lot of

379
00:17:41,278 --> 00:17:42,349
relationship building left,

380
00:17:42,354 --> 00:17:45,674
but what I'll say though is
that you left the house when

381
00:17:45,699 --> 00:17:49,328
Maurice was a toddler and
so you raised him for these very

382
00:17:49,328 --> 00:17:52,748
formative years for you,
but he has no memory of that.

383
00:17:55,626 --> 00:17:59,114
I reached out to about a dozen
freeze-and-share programs

384
00:17:59,463 --> 00:18:02,925
and multiple Facebook
IVF and egg donor groups.

385
00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:04,533
Most said no,

386
00:18:04,677 --> 00:18:07,304
they're not interested in
previously frozen eggs,

387
00:18:07,888 --> 00:18:11,976
but a couple said okay, and had
me fill out onboarding forms.

388
00:18:12,685 --> 00:18:14,979
These are long, long forms,

389
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:18,724
longer than any dating
profile or grant application.

390
00:18:19,617 --> 00:18:22,370
What is your height,
current weight?

391
00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:23,821
How would you describe
your complexion?

392
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,027
Natural eye color,
texture of your hair?

393
00:18:27,118 --> 00:18:28,620
What's your natural hair color?

394
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:29,724
Not this.

395
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:32,946
Highest level of
education, degree earned?

396
00:18:33,614 --> 00:18:34,746
Tell us about your career.

397
00:18:35,207 --> 00:18:36,750
List any professional, academic,

398
00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:38,629
athletic or creative
achievements.

399
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,579
Have you completed or are
you currently involved in any

400
00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:42,498
volunteer work?

401
00:18:43,132 --> 00:18:44,592
Do you play any
musical instruments?

402
00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:46,168
What languages do you speak?

403
00:18:46,209 --> 00:18:46,811
(Brush strokes)

404
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:48,554
What subject did
you enjoy in school?

405
00:18:48,944 --> 00:18:50,095
Name some of your hobbies.

406
00:18:50,125 --> 00:18:50,740
(Ball bounce thuds)

407
00:18:50,764 --> 00:18:53,225
What are your short-term
and long-term goals in life?

408
00:18:53,642 --> 00:18:55,561
What would you consider
your greatest strengths?

409
00:18:56,270 --> 00:18:57,470
What would you
do on a perfect day?

410
00:18:57,513 --> 00:18:58,219
(Dog barks)

411
00:18:58,272 --> 00:18:59,648
How would you
consider your vision?

412
00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:02,033
Dental braces or
orthodontic work?

413
00:19:02,818 --> 00:19:04,032
Do you have any allergies?

414
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:05,322
Surgeries?

415
00:19:05,984 --> 00:19:07,819
Have you ever had any
problems with the law?

416
00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:11,443
Within 12 months
of freezing your eggs,

417
00:19:11,619 --> 00:19:13,829
did you have any
ear or body piercings,

418
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,864
acupuncture or tattoos?

419
00:19:16,999 --> 00:19:19,210
If you're planning a dinner
and could invite any three

420
00:19:19,210 --> 00:19:23,297
people, living or dead,
who would they be and why?

421
00:19:24,313 --> 00:19:28,984
Five childhood photos and photos
at the time that you froze

422
00:19:29,011 --> 00:19:31,222
the egg, so here we go.

423
00:19:32,097 --> 00:19:33,933
Nice little dating profile here.

424
00:19:34,642 --> 00:19:36,310
Do you have any Jewish ancestry?

425
00:19:36,310 --> 00:19:38,062
Oh yes, I do.

426
00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:39,721
Father's ethnic background.

427
00:19:39,813 --> 00:19:42,942
Now I have to say
how tall everybody was.

428
00:19:43,484 --> 00:19:45,742
Age and cause of
death of everybody.

429
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:46,834
(She gasps)

430
00:19:47,655 --> 00:19:51,075
Okay, metabolic, endocrine,
birth defects, cancer.

431
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,402
This is anybody in my family.

432
00:19:54,453 --> 00:19:57,122
Neurological, mental
health issues, acne.

433
00:19:57,665 --> 00:19:59,250
Everybody has acne!

434
00:20:00,216 --> 00:20:01,293
But acne aside,

435
00:20:01,293 --> 00:20:04,505
my mom's parents both had
dementia and colon cancer.

436
00:20:04,997 --> 00:20:06,957
My paternal
grandmother had diabetes.

437
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,209
My father was an alcoholic.

438
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:10,966
Oh, and me?

439
00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:12,296
I'm on antidepressants.

440
00:20:14,139 --> 00:20:17,268
And most freeze-and-share
programs want three generations

441
00:20:17,268 --> 00:20:19,311
of squeaky clean
medical history.

442
00:20:19,959 --> 00:20:23,325
(Gentle percussive music)

443
00:20:26,010 --> 00:20:29,787
I hear people say a lot,
you know, that as you get,

444
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:30,814
when you get older,

445
00:20:30,852 --> 00:20:32,950
you're gonna reach a certain
age and the hormones will kick

446
00:20:32,950 --> 00:20:35,494
in and suddenly you'll
realize you want children.

447
00:20:35,494 --> 00:20:39,250
Or, you know, when you're early
30s and you have a partner,

448
00:20:39,581 --> 00:20:40,916
you'll realize
you want children.

449
00:20:40,916 --> 00:20:42,835
It'll feel natural,
it'll feel like the next step.

450
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:47,581
I thought, okay, I'm gonna
cap that at around age 35.

451
00:20:47,923 --> 00:20:50,551
So I wanna get married
at like age, you know,

452
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:53,044
32 maximum, so that
we have these three years

453
00:20:53,178 --> 00:20:54,847
to enjoy other
before I have children.

454
00:20:55,306 --> 00:20:56,181
Which means, you know,

455
00:20:56,265 --> 00:20:58,267
I probably wanna date for a
couple of years before that,

456
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,177
so I have to start
dating him last year.

457
00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:06,391
So I was so stressed
about, you know,

458
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,081
inching forward this
timeline and that's just,

459
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,322
that's a lot of,
pressure on a first date.

460
00:21:12,531 --> 00:21:15,554
A biological clock is a
real goddamn thing, like,

461
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:18,403
and especially in my 30s,

462
00:21:18,412 --> 00:21:22,041
the thing was ticking loudly
and making me feel things that

463
00:21:22,041 --> 00:21:23,058
I hadn't felt.

464
00:21:23,083 --> 00:21:24,960
So even though when
I was 12 and I was like,

465
00:21:25,085 --> 00:21:26,962
I don't think I'm doing that,
and then in my 20s, I'm like,

466
00:21:27,004 --> 00:21:28,991
probably not doing that,
I'm not interested in that.

467
00:21:29,214 --> 00:21:30,382
Suddenly I'm in my 30s,

468
00:21:30,382 --> 00:21:32,843
and literally there's this
going out of business sale

469
00:21:32,843 --> 00:21:34,569
happening in my
body that's still

470
00:21:34,581 --> 00:21:36,013
in the process of happening.

471
00:21:36,472 --> 00:21:39,350
And I'm starting to have
seeing babies and being like,

472
00:21:39,516 --> 00:21:40,267
should I do that?

473
00:21:40,392 --> 00:21:41,268
Do I want to do that?

474
00:21:41,268 --> 00:21:42,478
And then, you know,

475
00:21:42,770 --> 00:21:45,731
the interpersonal problem
of feeling like someone is

476
00:21:45,731 --> 00:21:48,400
wasting your time
is compounded by,

477
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,208
you're really wasting
my fucking time, mate.

478
00:21:52,029 --> 00:21:54,990
So when I was 24 and
I was living in Boston,

479
00:21:54,990 --> 00:21:56,617
I lived with two women
who were older than me.

480
00:21:56,700 --> 00:21:58,577
And one of my roommates said,

481
00:21:58,776 --> 00:22:01,096
you need to find
a husband today.

482
00:22:01,121 --> 00:22:03,332
You're only 24, all these
guys wanna go out with you.

483
00:22:03,624 --> 00:22:05,746
You wanna get married,
this is your chance.

484
00:22:06,019 --> 00:22:07,104
Because as you get older,

485
00:22:07,518 --> 00:22:10,230
there aren't as many men
even because then they've paired

486
00:22:10,255 --> 00:22:11,400
off and gotten married.

487
00:22:11,632 --> 00:22:15,010
And I remember so clearly
having the distinct thought that

488
00:22:15,010 --> 00:22:16,595
that was not going
to happen to me.

489
00:22:17,054 --> 00:22:19,508
And then she was totally
right because as I got older,

490
00:22:19,548 --> 00:22:22,592
there were a lot fewer
men to choose from.

491
00:22:22,851 --> 00:22:25,938
I feel like then being
single and childfree starts to

492
00:22:25,938 --> 00:22:28,774
naturally happen because
the dating pool and who's

493
00:22:28,774 --> 00:22:32,027
available for you just continues
to shrink year after year.

494
00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:34,353
And then you get into men who,

495
00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:36,401
who the first time
a man said to me,

496
00:22:36,754 --> 00:22:39,785
I don't believe in monogamy,
was the most shocking statement

497
00:22:39,785 --> 00:22:40,814
I had ever heard.

498
00:22:40,994 --> 00:22:44,291
But it's true, they start
to become very, well,

499
00:22:44,331 --> 00:22:45,382
there's just so many women,

500
00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:48,225
I don't need to even be
monogamous anymore, so.

501
00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:51,330
For the past 30
years or so in the US,

502
00:22:51,788 --> 00:22:53,206
and in most Western countries,

503
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:57,544
we've seen approximately
one-third more women than men

504
00:22:58,095 --> 00:23:00,347
attend college and then
graduate from college.

505
00:23:01,647 --> 00:23:03,899
And what's happened is
this college gender gap,

506
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:05,010
so to speak,

507
00:23:05,018 --> 00:23:08,605
has been spilling over into
the post-college dating world.

508
00:23:09,106 --> 00:23:10,858
And this wouldn't
matter, obviously,

509
00:23:10,858 --> 00:23:14,111
if we were all more open-minded
about whom we date and

510
00:23:14,111 --> 00:23:15,487
eventually marry,

511
00:23:15,946 --> 00:23:20,159
but college grads wanna date
and marry other college grads.

512
00:23:20,325 --> 00:23:24,288
So what we've ended up with
is kind of a blue-collar dating

513
00:23:24,288 --> 00:23:25,932
pool with too many men,

514
00:23:26,123 --> 00:23:28,792
and a white-collar dating
pool with too many women.

515
00:23:29,366 --> 00:23:33,372
And...dating apps have kind of
exacerbated or worsened the

516
00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:34,459
dating problem.

517
00:23:35,716 --> 00:23:39,344
Your dating app is making
its money off two things,

518
00:23:40,053 --> 00:23:42,639
subscription revenues
and advertising.

519
00:23:43,348 --> 00:23:48,937
And it's in their financial
interest, to maintain their

520
00:23:48,937 --> 00:23:52,232
existing subscriber base
and attract new people.

521
00:23:52,766 --> 00:23:53,923
(Phone notifications)

522
00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:57,729
Bumble says in their annual
report, that their revenue and

523
00:23:57,738 --> 00:24:00,424
growth, may be harmed, quote,

524
00:24:00,522 --> 00:24:04,903
“if there is a decrease in
user retention as a result of

525
00:24:04,912 --> 00:24:06,563
users finding meaningful

526
00:24:06,575 --> 00:24:08,999
relationships on
our platforms and

527
00:24:09,024 --> 00:24:11,443
no longer needing to
engage with our products."

528
00:24:12,419 --> 00:24:16,548
So what they're telling you
very directly, is their goal is

529
00:24:16,548 --> 00:24:20,636
to retain you as a customer,
and keep you as a customer for

530
00:24:20,636 --> 00:24:21,832
as long as possible,

531
00:24:22,137 --> 00:24:23,813
not to find you the right

532
00:24:24,131 --> 00:24:26,697
relationship and
never see you again.

533
00:24:27,794 --> 00:24:30,771
Lack of a partner is actually
the main reason women

534
00:24:30,771 --> 00:24:32,898
self-report for being childless.

535
00:24:32,959 --> 00:24:34,079
(Gentle piano)

536
00:24:34,358 --> 00:24:37,082
Obviously, there are single
moms out there, but for me,

537
00:24:37,236 --> 00:24:40,822
probably having found my partner
at 40 had a lot to do with it.

538
00:24:41,573 --> 00:24:43,408
I mean, had we met at 25,

539
00:24:43,867 --> 00:24:46,620
maybe we'd be so bored
with one another by 35,

540
00:24:46,620 --> 00:24:47,955
we would have had some kids.

541
00:24:49,122 --> 00:24:52,668
Or maybe I would have had
time to learn how to feel safe,

542
00:24:53,118 --> 00:24:54,119
enough.

543
00:24:54,250 --> 00:24:55,930
(Gentle piano continues)

544
00:24:56,004 --> 00:24:57,673
Through two different sources,

545
00:24:57,673 --> 00:25:00,467
I matched with a couple in
Michigan, and another one

546
00:25:00,467 --> 00:25:03,554
in New York City, who were
kind of interested in my eggs.

547
00:25:04,697 --> 00:25:06,640
So I got this email.

548
00:25:06,715 --> 00:25:07,925
It says,
"Thanks for reaching out...

549
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:11,553
I have done 18 of
my own egg retrievals,

550
00:25:11,562 --> 00:25:14,481
the first of which resulted
in my son, and 17 more,

551
00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:16,349
which got me nowhere.

552
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:20,685
Then I moved on to donor
eggs and have had four transfers

553
00:25:20,714 --> 00:25:21,747
of healthy embryos.

554
00:25:21,772 --> 00:25:23,316
One didn't stick,
two were chemical,

555
00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:25,409
and the last one
was promising until

556
00:25:25,409 --> 00:25:26,827
eleven-and-a-half weeks

557
00:25:26,827 --> 00:25:28,453
when the heartbeat stopped."

558
00:25:28,834 --> 00:25:31,214
(Tender music)

559
00:25:31,487 --> 00:25:32,529
Geez.

560
00:25:35,542 --> 00:25:38,208
(Phone ringing)

561
00:25:39,790 --> 00:25:42,751
I also called up an old
college friend named Haile.

562
00:25:43,919 --> 00:25:46,546
Haile and his partner Leticia
had just blown through their

563
00:25:46,588 --> 00:25:50,259
remaining embryos, and were
starting to seek an egg donor.

564
00:25:50,459 --> 00:25:51,579
(Gentle piano)

565
00:25:51,802 --> 00:25:54,346
Hearing about all these
women's trials with IVF,

566
00:25:54,371 --> 00:25:55,389
made me wonder...

567
00:25:55,929 --> 00:25:58,725
If they are willing to
undergo physical and mental

568
00:25:58,734 --> 00:26:00,481
torture, for something I'm just

569
00:26:00,493 --> 00:26:02,487
willing to cast
by the wayside...

570
00:26:03,313 --> 00:26:05,344
Maybe I don't have
that maternal gene.

571
00:26:06,181 --> 00:26:09,643
Maybe I was never meant to
be or capable of being a mother.

572
00:26:09,709 --> 00:26:10,829
(Gentle piano continues)

573
00:26:12,504 --> 00:26:13,591
Meanwhile,

574
00:26:13,615 --> 00:26:16,352
my mother learned about the
interviews I was conducting.

575
00:26:17,044 --> 00:26:20,370
So she volunteered herself,
to represent the point of view

576
00:26:20,414 --> 00:26:21,999
of women who have had children.

577
00:26:23,967 --> 00:26:27,510
I just wanted to present
an opposite point of view.

578
00:26:28,378 --> 00:26:32,134
So because I believe everybody
you were going to interview,

579
00:26:32,816 --> 00:26:33,864
they have,

580
00:26:34,094 --> 00:26:39,099
they don't have children and
their point of view, that it's

581
00:26:39,141 --> 00:26:44,522
like obstacle in their lives
and it's not necessary.

582
00:26:44,563 --> 00:26:49,651
And I just want to say that
it's the best feeling, I ever

583
00:26:49,676 --> 00:26:50,686
had in my life.

584
00:26:50,692 --> 00:26:51,695
(Deep inhale)

585
00:26:51,737 --> 00:26:55,938
And not just the bond that
you have with your children,

586
00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:58,076
when you deliver your children,

587
00:26:58,422 --> 00:27:00,253
and then not just
the physical bond,

588
00:27:00,253 --> 00:27:02,089
but that is something....

589
00:27:04,841 --> 00:27:08,345
It's just such a pleasure,
such a sense of happiness.

590
00:27:08,945 --> 00:27:09,963
Okay.

591
00:27:09,971 --> 00:27:11,221
I've never seen you to

592
00:27:11,233 --> 00:27:12,964
experience this
happiness, but...

593
00:27:13,050 --> 00:27:14,385
How, how could you see?

594
00:27:14,410 --> 00:27:15,953
I know, you do it secretly.

595
00:27:17,346 --> 00:27:22,435
And you cannot, experience it,
unless you have it.

596
00:27:26,292 --> 00:27:29,285
(Gentle percussive music)

597
00:27:32,536 --> 00:27:34,913
Another thing, as
well, is, like, my own

598
00:27:35,715 --> 00:27:37,800
mental health and my own

599
00:27:37,824 --> 00:27:41,870
viability of, like, how I
feel about myself in my own

600
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:46,579
consciousness, and how,
sad that is sometimes.

601
00:27:46,699 --> 00:27:48,485
And how just

602
00:27:48,510 --> 00:27:52,723
hard that is and how
much, therapy, you know,

603
00:27:52,756 --> 00:27:56,531
I'm working through on a
very small individual level.

604
00:27:56,785 --> 00:28:02,040
And conceptualizing that I would
give birth to like another

605
00:28:02,065 --> 00:28:07,153
young person who might
suffer the same, self-hate would

606
00:28:07,195 --> 00:28:08,822
break my heart, I think.

607
00:28:09,322 --> 00:28:12,784
And I see my mom,
like, watching me struggle

608
00:28:13,493 --> 00:28:15,120
and it breaks her heart.

609
00:28:15,579 --> 00:28:18,331
And I don't know, there's
something really sad about that.

610
00:28:18,792 --> 00:28:20,111
(She laughs)

611
00:28:20,198 --> 00:28:26,331
But in a way that like, I am
not in the place now to I think

612
00:28:27,174 --> 00:28:30,469
knowingly what it's like to
live inside a brain and the

613
00:28:30,469 --> 00:28:33,555
other people that I talk
to living inside their brains,

614
00:28:34,222 --> 00:28:39,186
creating another one,
feels laden, with a lot more

615
00:28:39,845 --> 00:28:42,514
than just,
“I want a baby" type of thing.

616
00:28:42,931 --> 00:28:43,948
Yeah.

617
00:28:44,728 --> 00:28:46,312
I didn't even want to
get married because my

618
00:28:47,694 --> 00:28:49,446
my dad wasn't great.

619
00:28:50,113 --> 00:28:52,783
There was abuse, like my
dad physically abused my mom,

620
00:28:52,866 --> 00:28:54,284
emotional abuse.

621
00:28:55,152 --> 00:28:56,945
Me and my mom
got the brunt of it.

622
00:28:59,573 --> 00:29:00,573
(Sad piano)

623
00:29:00,614 --> 00:29:02,667
So, once I met my husband,

624
00:29:02,667 --> 00:29:04,586
I kind of thought
about having kids,

625
00:29:04,586 --> 00:29:06,004
but I was still on the fence.

626
00:29:06,411 --> 00:29:08,957
Went to the doctor. They
gave me an ultrasound.

627
00:29:09,957 --> 00:29:12,855
Literally, like,
pearls in my ovaries.

628
00:29:12,918 --> 00:29:14,113
(Piano continues)

629
00:29:14,137 --> 00:29:17,849
So, PCOS is polycystic
ovarian syndrome.

630
00:29:18,266 --> 00:29:23,230
Doctor did say that most
people can have children with

631
00:29:23,230 --> 00:29:26,775
PCOS, but it can be difficult.

632
00:29:26,975 --> 00:29:28,643
But then at that point,

633
00:29:29,611 --> 00:29:31,696
I just didn't think
it was a good idea

634
00:29:31,696 --> 00:29:33,281
because I have bipolar.

635
00:29:34,107 --> 00:29:35,124
And...

636
00:29:36,485 --> 00:29:38,904
It would have
been fine, except...

637
00:29:39,851 --> 00:29:42,311
I had three suicide attempts.

638
00:29:42,334 --> 00:29:43,392
(Piano continues)

639
00:29:43,416 --> 00:29:45,293
So the medications that I'm on,

640
00:29:45,293 --> 00:29:48,505
I would have to completely
get off to get pregnant.

641
00:29:48,839 --> 00:29:51,049
And that's one of the
reasons why the reproductive

642
00:29:51,049 --> 00:29:52,259
endocrinologist said,

643
00:29:52,259 --> 00:29:56,178
I may never, be able to
have a child for that reason.

644
00:29:57,055 --> 00:29:59,516
She said, you may be
able to have it physically,

645
00:29:59,905 --> 00:30:01,406
but at some point,

646
00:30:01,476 --> 00:30:05,146
if we determine that you're
not only a harm to yourself,

647
00:30:05,146 --> 00:30:07,190
but harm to the fetus...

648
00:30:07,751 --> 00:30:09,502
then can't go forward.

649
00:30:11,687 --> 00:30:17,693
And I am also very afraid of,
passing that along, to a child.

650
00:30:18,151 --> 00:30:19,699
(Piano continues)

651
00:30:20,277 --> 00:30:24,283
It wasn't until
around the age of 35,

652
00:30:24,324 --> 00:30:26,126
and it really
didn't have to deal

653
00:30:26,151 --> 00:30:27,544
with any boyfriend or anything,

654
00:30:27,893 --> 00:30:30,479
but I started to
become really sick.

655
00:30:31,038 --> 00:30:35,127
And that led, to me discovering
that I had fibroids for the

656
00:30:35,169 --> 00:30:36,211
first time.

657
00:30:36,816 --> 00:30:40,598
Then it was also coupled
with the realization,

658
00:30:40,628 --> 00:30:42,129
because unfortunately, my...

659
00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:46,439
one of my younger
sisters has a drug problem.

660
00:30:46,470 --> 00:30:47,622
(Deep rumble)

661
00:30:47,647 --> 00:30:50,582
And realizing that I
couldn't take her kids in

662
00:30:50,607 --> 00:30:52,175
based on my finances.

663
00:30:53,403 --> 00:30:56,823
So I have fibroids, ovarian
cysts, and endometriosis.

664
00:30:56,982 --> 00:31:00,820
Fibroids is the most
common type of situation

665
00:31:00,911 --> 00:31:02,621
among African-American women.

666
00:31:03,525 --> 00:31:05,378
And it's what's called a

667
00:31:05,390 --> 00:31:08,251
multifactorial,
kind of situation.

668
00:31:08,935 --> 00:31:11,938
Unfortunately, when it comes
to women's reproductive health,

669
00:31:12,505 --> 00:31:14,758
we don't know because
there's not enough research.

670
00:31:15,792 --> 00:31:18,879
And especially
among women of color,

671
00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:20,547
there's no research there,

672
00:31:20,589 --> 00:31:25,619
and there's a fear left over
from past medical atrocities

673
00:31:25,644 --> 00:31:30,482
that there's not a lot of trust,
inside the medical community.

674
00:31:30,482 --> 00:31:34,986
I have to go to a clinic
rather than a regular doctor,

675
00:31:35,020 --> 00:31:36,379
and then because it's a clinic,

676
00:31:36,404 --> 00:31:38,615
I could just be switched
to a different doctor,

677
00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:40,642
and I have to start
my story all over again.

678
00:31:41,409 --> 00:31:45,455
And then when we finally
decide what the hell, type of

679
00:31:45,455 --> 00:31:48,500
treatment we need to do,
or what the next step is,

680
00:31:48,500 --> 00:31:50,126
my insurance may not cover it.

681
00:31:50,826 --> 00:31:53,727
(Gentle piano)

682
00:31:58,416 --> 00:32:01,463
Healthcare was the main obstacle
for me at the time that I was

683
00:32:02,599 --> 00:32:03,892
thinking about having a kid.

684
00:32:04,140 --> 00:32:06,142
Neither me nor my spouse

685
00:32:06,264 --> 00:32:08,395
had health insurance
through our jobs.

686
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,640
So we were paying
for a catastrophic

687
00:32:11,661 --> 00:32:13,817
plan that didn't cover much.

688
00:32:15,145 --> 00:32:17,731
And it didn't cover childbirth.

689
00:32:18,272 --> 00:32:21,859
So I would have had to have
bought a rider on my insurance

690
00:32:21,908 --> 00:32:24,995
to get to even be
covered just for the birth.

691
00:32:25,028 --> 00:32:27,959
Never mind any care
that the child would need.

692
00:32:27,984 --> 00:32:32,060
And so that was
just really scary.

693
00:32:33,086 --> 00:32:37,173
I also had insurance
that excluded anything any

694
00:32:37,173 --> 00:32:40,593
pre-existing condition and
that included anything in my

695
00:32:40,593 --> 00:32:41,618
reproductive tract.

696
00:32:41,628 --> 00:32:45,632
So, essentially I
had no insurance.

697
00:32:46,131 --> 00:32:49,380
(Gentle percussive music)

698
00:32:52,020 --> 00:32:53,813
I have been pregnant once.

699
00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:58,103
It's a complicated
thing to say because

700
00:32:58,511 --> 00:33:02,017
it was an ectopic pregnancy
due to a failure of my IUD.

701
00:33:02,042 --> 00:33:02,957
(Intriguing piano)

702
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:04,515
I wound up in the
emergency room,

703
00:33:04,584 --> 00:33:05,238
(Ambulance siren)

704
00:33:05,262 --> 00:33:06,136
and then there was this

705
00:33:06,161 --> 00:33:08,038
weird window when
they were like, well,

706
00:33:08,125 --> 00:33:09,125
(Piano continues)

707
00:33:09,323 --> 00:33:12,451
you could be pregnant
in the wrong place.

708
00:33:12,834 --> 00:33:14,753
You could be pregnant
in the right place.

709
00:33:15,253 --> 00:33:16,713
You could be pregnant in the
wrong place and it might move

710
00:33:16,713 --> 00:33:17,272
to the right place.

711
00:33:17,297 --> 00:33:19,466
So there was this weird
little amount of time in which I

712
00:33:19,466 --> 00:33:20,216
was sitting there going,

713
00:33:20,759 --> 00:33:22,749
if this winds up being a

714
00:33:22,761 --> 00:33:25,680
pregnancy that
goes into my uterus

715
00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:27,432
and settles there...

716
00:33:27,807 --> 00:33:28,851
Fuck.

717
00:33:29,218 --> 00:33:31,762
And then fortunately it
wasn't happening and my body

718
00:33:32,270 --> 00:33:33,354
dealt with it, but...

719
00:33:33,762 --> 00:33:35,582
You know, when I was sitting
there in that emergency room,

720
00:33:35,607 --> 00:33:36,232
I was just like,

721
00:33:36,232 --> 00:33:38,366
I didn't work
this hard to get to

722
00:33:38,391 --> 00:33:39,951
this place in my life to, like,

723
00:33:39,976 --> 00:33:43,232
pull over to the side of
the road and have a family.

724
00:33:43,605 --> 00:33:46,485
And there was still some
heartbreak about kind of like,

725
00:33:46,493 --> 00:33:48,661
Oh, you know, and this
is with my current partner,

726
00:33:48,661 --> 00:33:53,458
like I really love this person
and there's a whole other

727
00:33:53,458 --> 00:33:56,044
timeline in which
we have a kid and

728
00:33:56,069 --> 00:33:57,529
I can see it and it's beautiful.

729
00:33:57,788 --> 00:34:00,082
And that's not the
timeline I live in. You know?

730
00:34:00,123 --> 00:34:01,483
(Piano continues)

731
00:34:02,751 --> 00:34:04,421
When I was 29...

732
00:34:05,428 --> 00:34:07,013
I was very much in
love and got pregnant,

733
00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:09,390
but I didn't have my green card.

734
00:34:09,390 --> 00:34:10,850
I was stuck in a
legal proceeding.

735
00:34:10,850 --> 00:34:12,185
So here I am, I get pregnant,

736
00:34:12,185 --> 00:34:15,438
and my American boyfriend
at the time, I'm like, you know,

737
00:34:15,438 --> 00:34:19,317
it would be so much
easier if we get married,

738
00:34:19,317 --> 00:34:21,945
because like I at least will
feel like I'm not, you know...

739
00:34:21,945 --> 00:34:24,197
And what happens when
you're on a work visa...

740
00:34:24,580 --> 00:34:26,457
If they fire you,

741
00:34:26,491 --> 00:34:28,326
you literally have 10
days to leave the country.

742
00:34:28,868 --> 00:34:31,246
And he just had like a block.

743
00:34:31,246 --> 00:34:32,622
He would not do it.

744
00:34:32,872 --> 00:34:34,224
It was, you know,

745
00:34:34,249 --> 00:34:36,459
weeks and weeks of
trying to negotiate with him.

746
00:34:36,626 --> 00:34:38,895
And he was like, oh,
I'm ready to be a father.

747
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:42,208
I'm not ready to be, but I'm
not ready to be a husband.

748
00:34:42,423 --> 00:34:43,842
And I was of
course in hysterics,

749
00:34:43,842 --> 00:34:46,094
because that was
my worst dream ever.

750
00:34:46,094 --> 00:34:48,429
You know, I am alone in the
streets and I'm an immigrant.

751
00:34:48,429 --> 00:34:50,663
You know, I had
all these visions

752
00:34:50,675 --> 00:34:52,392
of my worst case scenario.

753
00:34:52,392 --> 00:34:54,894
It’s like it triggered
something so like primal in me.

754
00:34:56,271 --> 00:34:57,772
And then I had a miscarriage.

755
00:34:58,898 --> 00:35:00,233
Which was like, I was like,

756
00:35:00,233 --> 00:35:02,569
okay, you know,
no wonder, you know,

757
00:35:02,569 --> 00:35:05,446
because deep down on me,
I was like, please God,

758
00:35:05,446 --> 00:35:06,823
let me not have this child.

759
00:35:06,823 --> 00:35:09,159
Because I'm not like,
I'm not, I cannot do this.

760
00:35:09,193 --> 00:35:10,486
Like emotionally,
I cannot do it.

761
00:35:11,327 --> 00:35:12,412
So of course, you know,

762
00:35:12,412 --> 00:35:15,877
I go to film school years pass
and I meet someone wonderful

763
00:35:15,933 --> 00:35:18,137
and we date and we get married.

764
00:35:18,189 --> 00:35:20,453
And, suddenly I am in
this game of like, oh,

765
00:35:20,478 --> 00:35:21,314
(Clapperboard snap)

766
00:35:21,328 --> 00:35:23,498
but I want to make
my first feature.

767
00:35:23,506 --> 00:35:25,371
You know, and I hear
all these stories like, yes,

768
00:35:25,466 --> 00:35:26,176
you have children,

769
00:35:26,176 --> 00:35:28,309
you will never be able
to make it as a filmmaker.

770
00:35:28,689 --> 00:35:30,687
So I spend a few
years on putting

771
00:35:30,712 --> 00:35:32,007
together my first feature.

772
00:35:32,015 --> 00:35:36,728
And here I am, I turn 40,
and I go for my annual checkup.

773
00:35:36,895 --> 00:35:37,812
And I'm like, you know,

774
00:35:37,812 --> 00:35:39,731
and I've been trying maybe
for two months, three months.

775
00:35:39,890 --> 00:35:41,875
And a doctor tells me, you know,

776
00:35:41,900 --> 00:35:43,548
statistically you
don't have good eggs.

777
00:35:43,985 --> 00:35:44,986
So it's just like, you know,

778
00:35:44,986 --> 00:35:47,113
the career cycle
is a bit misaligned.

779
00:35:47,405 --> 00:35:51,093
But a month ago, I did go for
it and I did do an IVF cycle.

780
00:35:51,242 --> 00:35:53,446
So I really hope that I
am pregnant right now.

781
00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:57,658
I want to have like a
life outside of just being

782
00:35:57,665 --> 00:35:58,708
a stay-at-home mom.

783
00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:01,870
And I'm terrified that
if I had children now,

784
00:36:02,378 --> 00:36:03,922
that I could just
kiss that goodbye.

785
00:36:04,496 --> 00:36:06,500
Like, my husband has
a very demanding job

786
00:36:06,507 --> 00:36:08,218
where he works
really long hours.

787
00:36:08,252 --> 00:36:10,421
If I had children, all the
caretaking would fall to me.

788
00:36:10,504 --> 00:36:12,673
He wouldn't really be able to
help that much just because

789
00:36:12,764 --> 00:36:14,974
of how demanding his job is.

790
00:36:15,968 --> 00:36:17,409
Nannies are very expensive.

791
00:36:17,644 --> 00:36:18,895
Like I used to be one.

792
00:36:18,895 --> 00:36:20,271
So like if we have a kid,

793
00:36:20,271 --> 00:36:24,275
how do we do this, without
it then derailing any career

794
00:36:24,275 --> 00:36:25,526
aspirations that I have,

795
00:36:25,526 --> 00:36:27,654
especially one of the
point where I'm just barely...

796
00:36:28,355 --> 00:36:29,494
getting started?

797
00:36:30,573 --> 00:36:33,618
When we think about women
undershooting their fertility

798
00:36:33,618 --> 00:36:36,454
desires, that begs
the question, why?

799
00:36:36,978 --> 00:36:38,188
Why does this happen?

800
00:36:38,727 --> 00:36:41,772
Besides financial,
barriers themselves,

801
00:36:42,411 --> 00:36:44,664
children are also
changing in terms of,

802
00:36:44,705 --> 00:36:46,415
the function they
serve for parents.

803
00:36:47,499 --> 00:36:49,099
In the past, you got married.

804
00:36:49,124 --> 00:36:50,169
(Whimsical music)

805
00:36:50,187 --> 00:36:52,280
That made you an adult
independent from your parents.

806
00:36:52,305 --> 00:36:53,238
You had kids.

807
00:36:53,263 --> 00:36:55,556
That sort of shows you're
respectable and stable.

808
00:36:55,924 --> 00:36:57,322
That isn't so much
the case anymore.

809
00:36:57,347 --> 00:36:58,473
Now they are a capstone.

810
00:36:59,769 --> 00:37:02,981
Children are the sign
that you have succeeded.

811
00:37:02,981 --> 00:37:05,066
You've stabilized
yourself financially.

812
00:37:05,066 --> 00:37:06,651
You've found the partner.

813
00:37:06,894 --> 00:37:09,522
You've got your forever home.

814
00:37:09,696 --> 00:37:10,863
You've done all these things.

815
00:37:10,863 --> 00:37:15,346
And now you can crown
these accomplishments with the

816
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,864
ultimate symbol,
status symbol, if you will,

817
00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:24,119
this extremely expensive,
long-term project of

818
00:37:24,752 --> 00:37:26,004
the ideal child.

819
00:37:26,330 --> 00:37:28,033
People hit their
peak income later,

820
00:37:28,204 --> 00:37:30,501
which means they reach the
point where they think they can

821
00:37:30,508 --> 00:37:35,138
foot the bill for that expensive
child, much later in life.

822
00:37:35,138 --> 00:37:38,850
All these things feed together,
to create a kind of perfect

823
00:37:38,850 --> 00:37:44,439
storm for parents where,
they feel like, there's kind of

824
00:37:44,439 --> 00:37:49,027
no way out other than not having
the family that they want.

825
00:37:51,696 --> 00:37:56,284
Julia, can I ask you a
very personal question?

826
00:37:57,027 --> 00:37:59,503
Where are you in your journey?

827
00:38:00,028 --> 00:38:04,066
Are you seeking to,
have children at all?

828
00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:05,118
No.

829
00:38:05,126 --> 00:38:06,252
For various reasons.

830
00:38:06,252 --> 00:38:09,672
I ultimately feel
I can't afford it.

831
00:38:09,672 --> 00:38:12,717
And then both partner and
I raised babies and toddlers

832
00:38:12,717 --> 00:38:14,135
when we were teenagers.

833
00:38:15,261 --> 00:38:17,388
And then my own childhood
wasn't really like the best.

834
00:38:17,388 --> 00:38:24,270
So I never, you know, like, felt
a strong pull to motherhood.

835
00:38:25,222 --> 00:38:28,142
Well, you know, Julia,
ultimately, thank you for even,

836
00:38:28,225 --> 00:38:29,601
like, considering us.

837
00:38:30,853 --> 00:38:32,689
When Haile told me, I cried.

838
00:38:33,146 --> 00:38:36,733
You know, it's, it's such a deep

839
00:38:38,819 --> 00:38:40,237
generous gift.

840
00:38:41,496 --> 00:38:42,534
So...

841
00:38:43,876 --> 00:38:44,907
Thank you.

842
00:38:45,391 --> 00:38:48,311
And you know, Haile's,
I'm sure Hailey's told you

843
00:38:48,336 --> 00:38:52,799
we've done seven rounds
of IVF, and two miscarriages,

844
00:38:52,799 --> 00:38:55,843
and two failed rounds
of IVF. Like, it’s just...

845
00:38:56,763 --> 00:38:58,681
You know, we've,
we've had our...

846
00:38:59,104 --> 00:39:01,398
We've tried.
We've tried really hard.

847
00:39:01,550 --> 00:39:02,588
Yeah.

848
00:39:07,397 --> 00:39:11,067
Okay, so where
would we go from here?

849
00:39:11,067 --> 00:39:14,487
Cause it's one thing that
they're available now and that

850
00:39:14,879 --> 00:39:17,089
you know me, which
are both good things,

851
00:39:17,114 --> 00:39:18,491
but then there are

852
00:39:19,634 --> 00:39:22,678
negative factors, like they
were frozen a while back

853
00:39:22,703 --> 00:39:24,831
and I was already not

854
00:39:24,831 --> 00:39:26,541
very young when
I froze them, so...

855
00:39:27,583 --> 00:39:30,586
Do you need to weigh these
things or are you decided?

856
00:39:32,630 --> 00:39:35,947
Every step of the process
is a gamble, you know.

857
00:39:35,959 --> 00:39:42,590
There's no guarantees,
so I say let's try.

858
00:39:44,132 --> 00:39:46,470
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay?

859
00:39:46,727 --> 00:39:47,788
Zoom handshake?

860
00:39:49,751 --> 00:39:50,751
(He grunts)

861
00:39:52,434 --> 00:39:57,370
(Gentle percussive music)

862
00:40:10,450 --> 00:40:12,621
In my 30s, my physician and I,

863
00:40:12,628 --> 00:40:15,339
we did have a conversation
around the option

864
00:40:15,339 --> 00:40:16,507
of freezing my eggs.

865
00:40:17,084 --> 00:40:18,753
And I had considered it.

866
00:40:19,636 --> 00:40:20,720
And uhm...

867
00:40:22,214 --> 00:40:23,669
I opted not to do it.

868
00:40:23,694 --> 00:40:25,802
And the reason was because

869
00:40:25,834 --> 00:40:26,660
(Gentle piano)

870
00:40:26,684 --> 00:40:28,936
at the time I wasn't
partnered with anybody.

871
00:40:29,513 --> 00:40:31,556
And I just remember thinking,

872
00:40:31,807 --> 00:40:33,934
I don't know
that I ever will be.

873
00:40:34,768 --> 00:40:36,978
And the thought of

874
00:40:37,712 --> 00:40:40,715
not being able to conceive
because I wasn’t partnered...

875
00:40:40,740 --> 00:40:42,241
There was just something
about I thought it would add an

876
00:40:42,241 --> 00:40:45,411
extra layer of pain that I
just didn't want to go through.

877
00:40:46,300 --> 00:40:48,260
Now, sitting on
the other side of it,

878
00:40:48,792 --> 00:40:50,152
(Piano continues)

879
00:40:51,501 --> 00:40:52,668
I wish that I
would have done it.

880
00:40:53,745 --> 00:40:57,166
I never considered
freezing my eggs because

881
00:40:57,632 --> 00:40:58,716
I didn’t have the money.

882
00:40:58,876 --> 00:40:59,860
(Laughing)

883
00:40:59,884 --> 00:41:02,136
Like I didn't have the money
to during the time in which it

884
00:41:02,136 --> 00:41:03,554
would have made
sense to freeze the eggs.

885
00:41:03,932 --> 00:41:04,489
You know what I mean?

886
00:41:04,514 --> 00:41:05,806
So yeah,

887
00:41:05,932 --> 00:41:09,769
I just didn't really...freezing
one's eggs in my head was

888
00:41:09,769 --> 00:41:12,897
like, oh yes, you have to
have disposable income for that.

889
00:41:12,897 --> 00:41:15,525
And that's something that
like only just happened.

890
00:41:15,918 --> 00:41:16,418
(Chuckles)

891
00:41:16,442 --> 00:41:17,568
So, yeah.

892
00:41:18,189 --> 00:41:22,234
I will tell you the story about,
when I froze my eggs.

893
00:41:23,824 --> 00:41:26,661
This was a few years ago,
maybe, I wanna say three,

894
00:41:26,661 --> 00:41:31,332
four years ago, when
my insurance started

895
00:41:31,332 --> 00:41:33,506
covering this sort of thing.

896
00:41:33,619 --> 00:41:35,413
And so I was like, all
right, let's freeze them.

897
00:41:37,164 --> 00:41:39,875
I haven't been taking care
of my body for like years.

898
00:41:40,132 --> 00:41:43,230
I'm finally taking
care of my body now.

899
00:41:43,333 --> 00:41:44,668
What does that mean?

900
00:41:45,062 --> 00:41:46,173
I mean, I'm just curious.

901
00:41:46,639 --> 00:41:48,349
Unless you have like a coke
habit that you don't want to

902
00:41:48,349 --> 00:41:50,142
disclose because
of legal reasons.

903
00:41:50,142 --> 00:41:51,060
Like, what does that mean?

904
00:41:51,060 --> 00:41:52,228
I just...

905
00:41:52,971 --> 00:41:57,684
I had multiple eating
disorders growing up...and

906
00:41:57,817 --> 00:42:00,653
I only started...

907
00:42:02,488 --> 00:42:04,782
taking care of that recently.

908
00:42:05,404 --> 00:42:10,451
I didn't even know if I
could produce, viable eggs.

909
00:42:10,859 --> 00:42:14,745
A year later, they
contacted me about, well,

910
00:42:14,824 --> 00:42:16,828
you owe this much
for the freezing.

911
00:42:17,420 --> 00:42:18,796
So just to clarify,

912
00:42:18,796 --> 00:42:21,424
your insurance was not covering
storage, additional storage?

913
00:42:21,424 --> 00:42:23,384
It covered storage
for maybe a year.

914
00:42:23,384 --> 00:42:24,010
Got it.

915
00:42:24,125 --> 00:42:25,546
And I was like, well,

916
00:42:25,553 --> 00:42:28,556
I haven't found what to
do with these in a year.

917
00:42:28,973 --> 00:42:30,391
When am I going to do this?

918
00:42:30,683 --> 00:42:31,392
And so what did you do?

919
00:42:31,392 --> 00:42:33,144
Do you donate
them to science or?

920
00:42:33,178 --> 00:42:34,977
-I donated them to science.
-Yeah.

921
00:42:35,354 --> 00:42:36,355
COVID happened.

922
00:42:36,772 --> 00:42:42,194
And, I started getting help,
for many of the things that are

923
00:42:42,271 --> 00:42:48,196
messed up, in my life,
including, eating disorders,

924
00:42:49,827 --> 00:42:52,663
the fact that I went through
trauma when my father died.

925
00:42:54,405 --> 00:42:57,320
It was my, my last
year of law school.

926
00:42:57,408 --> 00:42:59,104
And I lost my dad tragically.

927
00:42:59,626 --> 00:43:01,998
And it really just fucked me up.
I started...

928
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:03,126
What happened?

929
00:43:03,164 --> 00:43:04,251
He was...
He was...

930
00:43:04,258 --> 00:43:08,269
My dad was murdered, in 2004.

931
00:43:09,047 --> 00:43:11,269
And that was the
year I started working.

932
00:43:11,297 --> 00:43:12,217
(Intriguing music)

933
00:43:12,240 --> 00:43:16,305
And I threw myself
into this job as a lawyer.

934
00:43:16,346 --> 00:43:17,346
(Doors snap shut)

935
00:43:17,813 --> 00:43:22,860
And, I didn't want
to have time to think.

936
00:43:24,195 --> 00:43:27,216
And that year,
I billed 3,800 hours,

937
00:43:27,232 --> 00:43:29,323
which if you do the
math, it's insane.

938
00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:31,403
And it means no vacation.

939
00:43:31,410 --> 00:43:33,120
It means working every weekend.

940
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:35,081
And it means so
many horrible things.

941
00:43:35,125 --> 00:43:36,125
(Sad piano)

942
00:43:36,410 --> 00:43:37,571
That was my therapy.

943
00:43:38,660 --> 00:43:40,279
Fast forward to 2020,

944
00:43:40,795 --> 00:43:43,547
I started getting help
for all these things.

945
00:43:43,744 --> 00:43:48,206
And I started, again,
thinking about, well, what if,

946
00:43:48,543 --> 00:43:52,424
I mean, should I just see
if I could still have kids?

947
00:43:53,476 --> 00:43:54,715
And I went to a doctor.

948
00:43:55,351 --> 00:43:56,644
He was just honest with me.

949
00:43:56,644 --> 00:43:58,979
He said, you're not
a good candidate.

950
00:43:59,563 --> 00:44:00,898
And I said, you know what?

951
00:44:03,101 --> 00:44:04,168
It's fine.

952
00:44:04,311 --> 00:44:07,314
I just don't need this.

953
00:44:08,732 --> 00:44:12,962
(Gentle percussive music)

954
00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:17,366
I'm a millennial.

955
00:44:17,488 --> 00:44:19,743
I have loans, just
like everybody else.

956
00:44:20,118 --> 00:44:23,955
I'd like to believe that many
millennials don't buy homes

957
00:44:24,004 --> 00:44:26,924
or are planning not to have
children because of how we're

958
00:44:26,924 --> 00:44:30,010
affected financially
by our student loans,

959
00:44:30,045 --> 00:44:31,213
which is a huge part of it.

960
00:44:31,544 --> 00:44:34,299
I took out about
60,000 dollars in loans.

961
00:44:34,341 --> 00:44:38,567
I paid back about 50,000,
and I still have about 20,

962
00:44:38,720 --> 00:44:39,981
25,000 dollars left.

963
00:44:40,097 --> 00:44:44,643
And, it's just exhausting,
to say the least.

964
00:44:45,568 --> 00:44:46,944
I was so curious...

965
00:44:49,572 --> 00:44:51,866
The turning point
at which you realized

966
00:44:51,866 --> 00:44:54,785
that you just don't even
want to go down this path?

967
00:44:55,073 --> 00:44:56,203
Is the question why?

968
00:44:56,203 --> 00:44:58,247
Why did you decide
to go childfree?

969
00:44:58,789 --> 00:45:00,124
The short answer is financial.

970
00:45:00,197 --> 00:45:01,743
I have six-figure student debt.

971
00:45:02,068 --> 00:45:05,330
I have no city health
insurance, no maternity leave,

972
00:45:05,921 --> 00:45:07,089
no 401K.

973
00:45:07,997 --> 00:45:10,919
Median cost of raising a
child up to the age of 18

974
00:45:10,926 --> 00:45:12,386
in New York,
it's 500,000 dollars.

975
00:45:12,970 --> 00:45:14,096
That's without college.

976
00:45:14,096 --> 00:45:18,184
In 18 years, state college
will be 200,000 dollars.

977
00:45:18,184 --> 00:45:20,728
Private college will
be 450,000 dollars.

978
00:45:21,020 --> 00:45:25,472
So 500 plus 450, that's
already...wages lost, IVF...

979
00:45:25,517 --> 00:45:26,536
That's a million.

980
00:45:27,391 --> 00:45:28,437
I can't make...

981
00:45:28,444 --> 00:45:29,528
I, it's just too much.

982
00:45:29,528 --> 00:45:32,031
I can't, like, I work so
fucking hard, editing.

983
00:45:32,031 --> 00:45:34,241
But if somebody would give
you a million, would you do it?

984
00:45:34,992 --> 00:45:38,287
You know if I were in like
the Netherlands or Sweden or

985
00:45:38,287 --> 00:45:41,665
something or France...
If I...if I had, if there was,

986
00:45:41,665 --> 00:45:46,291
like, society support for
childcare and things like that?

987
00:45:46,378 --> 00:45:47,463
I really don't know.

988
00:45:47,870 --> 00:45:50,140
I also have like a
lot of personal shit.

989
00:45:51,919 --> 00:45:52,934
Like, a lot.

990
00:45:53,844 --> 00:45:58,219
Some countries have actually
made it, very comfortable to

991
00:45:58,244 --> 00:46:00,010
have kids, and others haven't.

992
00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:02,292
I mean, in Sweden and France,

993
00:46:02,677 --> 00:46:04,601
you have good childcare systems.

994
00:46:04,626 --> 00:46:05,746
(Quirky music)

995
00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:08,060
You get maternity
leave or paternity leave.

996
00:46:08,352 --> 00:46:11,205
They already have
guaranteed national health care.

997
00:46:11,230 --> 00:46:13,900
They already have,
shorter work hours.

998
00:46:14,171 --> 00:46:17,576
They already have much
bigger amounts of vacation

999
00:46:17,576 --> 00:46:19,078
and sick leave.

1000
00:46:19,537 --> 00:46:22,498
And it really starts to look
feasible when you think about

1001
00:46:22,498 --> 00:46:24,532
all those things...
in the United States,

1002
00:46:24,576 --> 00:46:25,385
(Card sliding in reader)

1003
00:46:25,410 --> 00:46:27,184
We have lack of health care,

1004
00:46:27,209 --> 00:46:27,733
(Paper crinkles)

1005
00:46:27,757 --> 00:46:29,053
lack of childcare,

1006
00:46:29,078 --> 00:46:32,417
lack of paid leave,
long work hours.

1007
00:46:32,716 --> 00:46:36,345
It's actually a system that
is designed to get maximum

1008
00:46:36,345 --> 00:46:38,574
labor out of us without
paying for any of it.

1009
00:46:38,873 --> 00:46:39,883
People are saying, oh,

1010
00:46:39,890 --> 00:46:42,476
you want the government to
give away stuff to you for free.

1011
00:46:42,713 --> 00:46:43,727
No, actually,

1012
00:46:43,727 --> 00:46:46,564
what we want is the
government to support

1013
00:46:47,266 --> 00:46:49,059
the reproduction of our society.

1014
00:46:49,223 --> 00:46:53,272
It's not, fulfilling these
basic functions, right?

1015
00:46:54,256 --> 00:46:55,531
About financial thing.

1016
00:46:55,566 --> 00:46:56,574
Yeah.

1017
00:46:56,608 --> 00:46:59,629
It's not a reason
not to have, a child.

1018
00:46:59,661 --> 00:47:02,414
I don't consider it,
a real reason.

1019
00:47:02,489 --> 00:47:09,162
And, statistics show,
that, people who are poor,

1020
00:47:09,253 --> 00:47:12,381
they have more children,
than the other way around.

1021
00:47:12,381 --> 00:47:17,177
So I don't think it's
financially you feel, unsecured.

1022
00:47:17,177 --> 00:47:18,721
I don't know, maybe you feel...

1023
00:47:20,924 --> 00:47:23,051
insecure with your partner

1024
00:47:23,552 --> 00:47:27,807
though you say that
he's decent and nice guy.

1025
00:47:28,063 --> 00:47:29,773
I don't know, it's just,

1026
00:47:29,889 --> 00:47:33,687
you cannot, you cannot
calculate the absolutely...

1027
00:47:33,694 --> 00:47:35,905
It’s, life is not a spreadsheet.

1028
00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:37,649
So you cannot calculate...

1029
00:47:37,656 --> 00:47:39,874
So, do you deny that
I have to pay 300,000

1030
00:47:39,899 --> 00:47:40,926
back in student loans?

1031
00:47:40,951 --> 00:47:41,702
But, you know...

1032
00:47:41,702 --> 00:47:42,386
There is an inflation.

1033
00:47:42,398 --> 00:47:43,704
But, you know, I have
to make that money!

1034
00:47:43,704 --> 00:47:44,305
Right.

1035
00:47:44,330 --> 00:47:45,372
There is an inflation.

1036
00:47:45,372 --> 00:47:47,666
You will be making more
money because you keep working.

1037
00:47:47,709 --> 00:47:51,329
If you are...so, 300,000 dollars

1038
00:47:51,452 --> 00:47:56,126
it was much more
money in the 70s, or 50s or

1039
00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:59,379
you know, 60s, than it is now.

1040
00:48:00,054 --> 00:48:04,225
So if you, over-rationalize
everything in life,

1041
00:48:04,301 --> 00:48:07,513
put it in a spreadsheet,
it just doesn't work.

1042
00:48:09,688 --> 00:48:11,774
I think it also doesn't
work if you don't have the

1043
00:48:11,774 --> 00:48:12,707
requisite money.

1044
00:48:13,651 --> 00:48:14,668
It works, Yulia.

1045
00:48:14,693 --> 00:48:15,703
Somehow it works.

1046
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:16,855
Somehow it works?

1047
00:48:16,862 --> 00:48:18,989
You know, your child
will not go hungry.

1048
00:48:19,834 --> 00:48:20,926
(Lighthearted music)

1049
00:48:20,950 --> 00:48:21,964
She's right.

1050
00:48:22,576 --> 00:48:23,994
I could quit my career,

1051
00:48:24,286 --> 00:48:26,413
move somewhere
with a low cost of living,

1052
00:48:26,747 --> 00:48:29,869
get a desk job with health
insurance, and have children.

1053
00:48:29,918 --> 00:48:30,560
(Baby squeals)

1054
00:48:30,584 --> 00:48:31,669
But I choose not to.

1055
00:48:32,169 --> 00:48:35,788
Maybe America with its
lack of family-friendly policies

1056
00:48:35,832 --> 00:48:36,875
is onto something.

1057
00:48:37,251 --> 00:48:39,461
Maybe it's separating
the wheat from the chaff.

1058
00:48:39,962 --> 00:48:42,256
Like, if you're not
willing to sacrifice,

1059
00:48:42,294 --> 00:48:43,715
maybe you shouldn't have kids.

1060
00:48:43,918 --> 00:48:46,035
(Lighthearted music continues)

1061
00:48:54,682 --> 00:48:56,455
(Door bell rings)

1062
00:48:59,918 --> 00:49:03,064
(Pretty piano)

1063
00:49:04,702 --> 00:49:05,703
I'm glad you're here.

1064
00:49:06,167 --> 00:49:07,167
Hey!

1065
00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:09,899
God willing, when we
have our healthy embryos,

1066
00:49:09,923 --> 00:49:10,874
and we transfer,

1067
00:49:10,994 --> 00:49:12,746
we'll put in multiples,

1068
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:15,414
but so many complications
can happen.

1069
00:49:15,421 --> 00:49:16,181
Yeah.

1070
00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:17,416
No guarantees.

1071
00:49:17,423 --> 00:49:20,092
You know, I'm already,
because of my age, high risk,

1072
00:49:20,092 --> 00:49:21,468
because of the
other pregnancies.

1073
00:49:21,879 --> 00:49:24,552
The first trimesters
were really scary, so...

1074
00:49:25,090 --> 00:49:29,345
How would you feel,
you're donating, your, eggs,

1075
00:49:29,435 --> 00:49:34,982
your youthful eggs to us,
and say we get three embryos,

1076
00:49:35,589 --> 00:49:37,591
and I miscarry all three?

1077
00:49:37,818 --> 00:49:38,833
Like...

1078
00:49:39,445 --> 00:49:40,654
It’s a good question.

1079
00:49:40,654 --> 00:49:42,614
You know, you have,

1080
00:49:43,304 --> 00:49:47,016
or you had an opportunity
to donate to another couple...

1081
00:49:47,786 --> 00:49:49,705
You know, that's a real chance.

1082
00:49:50,456 --> 00:49:51,498
Yeah, you're right.

1083
00:49:53,008 --> 00:49:54,760
I feel like with miscarriages,

1084
00:49:54,835 --> 00:49:58,630
my very limited understanding
of biology that the fault is

1085
00:49:58,630 --> 00:50:00,716
with the embryo,
most of the time.

1086
00:50:00,716 --> 00:50:02,676
That's the declared statement.

1087
00:50:02,676 --> 00:50:05,095
The doctors feel very
confident that you can carry,

1088
00:50:05,095 --> 00:50:06,680
and that's good enough for me.

1089
00:50:06,929 --> 00:50:08,474
So if you miscarry
all three of them,

1090
00:50:08,474 --> 00:50:09,818
I will feel terrible for the

1091
00:50:09,830 --> 00:50:11,477
ordeal that you
had to go through

1092
00:50:11,477 --> 00:50:12,978
that both of you would
have to go through,

1093
00:50:13,469 --> 00:50:14,783
but it's not...

1094
00:50:14,808 --> 00:50:16,255
Then I know, okay...

1095
00:50:16,266 --> 00:50:18,518
I’m, I'm going to

1096
00:50:20,450 --> 00:50:22,469
err on the assumption
that would have

1097
00:50:22,523 --> 00:50:23,548
happened with anybody.

1098
00:50:23,617 --> 00:50:24,634
OK.

1099
00:50:24,691 --> 00:50:27,265
(Gentle percussive music)

1100
00:50:30,162 --> 00:50:33,207
The pressure I get
is from my, family.

1101
00:50:37,178 --> 00:50:38,846
When I mention
not wanting children,

1102
00:50:39,838 --> 00:50:44,635
I hear my mother,
say things like, it's okay,

1103
00:50:44,667 --> 00:50:45,767
you'll change your mind.

1104
00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:46,561
(Soothing piano)

1105
00:50:46,585 --> 00:50:48,267
Or, it's okay,
there's still time.

1106
00:50:48,353 --> 00:50:50,682
Like, she wants to just
keep these doors open.

1107
00:50:52,177 --> 00:50:53,451
She doesn't quite,

1108
00:50:54,263 --> 00:50:56,599
it feels like she has
not quite accepted that

1109
00:50:57,773 --> 00:51:01,110
how vehemently, I'm opposed
to the idea of having children.

1110
00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:05,566
My father, I think is just

1111
00:51:05,667 --> 00:51:07,027
(Piano continues)

1112
00:51:07,074 --> 00:51:08,283
sadly accepting it.

1113
00:51:12,663 --> 00:51:13,690
Sorry.

1114
00:51:13,963 --> 00:51:15,022
He’s...

1115
00:51:16,500 --> 00:51:18,627
He has cancer, and...

1116
00:51:20,462 --> 00:51:22,798
I think part of him
really wants to be a

1117
00:51:22,798 --> 00:51:24,424
grandfather before he dies.

1118
00:51:26,670 --> 00:51:28,922
So I feel a lot of
weight that I can't...

1119
00:51:31,598 --> 00:51:32,677
I can't do that.

1120
00:51:35,060 --> 00:51:37,312
But I think if I asked him,
he'd say, I'm enough.

1121
00:51:39,690 --> 00:51:42,526
So it's in their reactions
and comments to things.

1122
00:51:43,395 --> 00:51:45,647
It's not so much like,
oh, you better do this.

1123
00:51:48,615 --> 00:51:49,638
It's more like...

1124
00:51:52,202 --> 00:51:53,704
You know, we loved having you.

1125
00:51:53,704 --> 00:51:54,733
Why wouldn't you want that?

1126
00:51:56,874 --> 00:51:58,041
My mom is from a different time.

1127
00:51:58,243 --> 00:52:00,871
I can see that there
is some pain there...

1128
00:52:01,670 --> 00:52:02,963
that comes with acceptance.

1129
00:52:03,672 --> 00:52:05,841
You know, they never really
put any kind of pressure on me.

1130
00:52:07,252 --> 00:52:10,547
I have noticed my
mom as she's, aged,

1131
00:52:11,013 --> 00:52:15,851
there, have been times where
I've heard her say things like,

1132
00:52:19,694 --> 00:52:21,156
not I wish I had a
grandchild, but you know,

1133
00:52:21,209 --> 00:52:22,031
(Intriguing piano music)

1134
00:52:22,056 --> 00:52:25,771
she'll refer to the family
dog as, her grandson.

1135
00:52:26,523 --> 00:52:28,233
And she kind of gets it,

1136
00:52:28,280 --> 00:52:30,407
that it's just probably
not happening.

1137
00:52:33,192 --> 00:52:36,782
My mom is actually quite pleased
that I won't be having kids.

1138
00:52:37,581 --> 00:52:44,261
She is also scared about how
the world is going to end and

1139
00:52:44,286 --> 00:52:46,542
the challenges that my
nephews are gonna be facing

1140
00:52:46,542 --> 00:52:48,044
as adults. And so...

1141
00:52:48,290 --> 00:52:53,173
She told me maybe, 10 years
ago that she thought that

1142
00:52:53,180 --> 00:52:54,803
perhaps it would be best if

1143
00:52:54,815 --> 00:52:56,588
people our age
stopped having kids,

1144
00:52:56,627 --> 00:53:02,164
and, like, left it for...like,
adopted children or, you know...

1145
00:53:02,189 --> 00:53:03,973
Basically, like, Americans
are super wasteful and they

1146
00:53:04,042 --> 00:53:04,584
(Cat meows)

1147
00:53:04,608 --> 00:53:05,776
consume a lot of resources.

1148
00:53:05,776 --> 00:53:09,029
And so, like maybe Americans
shouldn't have as many kids and

1149
00:53:09,029 --> 00:53:11,990
you know, adopt other
children that already exist.

1150
00:53:12,250 --> 00:53:15,536
(Tender piano music)

1151
00:53:18,956 --> 00:53:22,334
I think even before I really,
started thinking about my

1152
00:53:22,334 --> 00:53:24,211
queerness and sexuality
and what my relationships

1153
00:53:24,288 --> 00:53:25,325
would look like,

1154
00:53:25,504 --> 00:53:28,882
a big halting factor for me
about, bringing a child into

1155
00:53:28,882 --> 00:53:33,512
this world in my own body,
was, kind of the fear of

1156
00:53:33,512 --> 00:53:34,888
where we are and where we're at.

1157
00:53:35,138 --> 00:53:37,516
You know, one of my first
memories is September 11th

1158
00:53:37,516 --> 00:53:40,560
and, then after that,

1159
00:53:40,605 --> 00:53:44,738
just all these different things
and I know that each generation

1160
00:53:44,763 --> 00:53:45,809
(Urgent music)

1161
00:53:45,834 --> 00:53:47,469
feels apocalyptic about
the world that they're in,

1162
00:53:47,829 --> 00:53:51,530
but I think that the place
that we are in, with our planet

1163
00:53:51,530 --> 00:53:53,448
and the sustainability
of our planet...

1164
00:53:54,359 --> 00:53:55,619
Even if I had a child,

1165
00:53:55,792 --> 00:53:58,829
my child might want a baby
and that baby will be living in

1166
00:53:58,870 --> 00:54:01,080
a world that I
cannot even imagine.

1167
00:54:02,159 --> 00:54:04,671
I think when it comes
to climate change,

1168
00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:07,296
I think there are stark changes
that would have to be made

1169
00:54:07,296 --> 00:54:08,797
right now for us to see,

1170
00:54:09,082 --> 00:54:10,747
for us to slow down,

1171
00:54:10,873 --> 00:54:13,128
what's happening and I
don't see it happening, so...

1172
00:54:13,629 --> 00:54:14,630
In terms of

1173
00:54:14,792 --> 00:54:15,912
(Tragic piano)

1174
00:54:16,305 --> 00:54:17,681
bringing kids into this world,

1175
00:54:17,681 --> 00:54:20,392
if we don't change the,
situation right now,

1176
00:54:20,392 --> 00:54:23,353
I don't see how they won't
be affected, by climate change.

1177
00:54:23,729 --> 00:54:27,733
I am from a small island,
that I would love to return to

1178
00:54:27,733 --> 00:54:28,775
at some point in my life.

1179
00:54:29,269 --> 00:54:32,689
And islands are one of
the main ones to be affected

1180
00:54:32,779 --> 00:54:34,823
by climate change
and if it doesn't change,

1181
00:54:35,365 --> 00:54:38,618
kids on Haiti will
be affected as well.

1182
00:54:39,286 --> 00:54:41,079
In the 60s and 70s,

1183
00:54:41,079 --> 00:54:44,374
there was a total
freak-out about the high

1184
00:54:44,916 --> 00:54:46,918
rate of population growth.

1185
00:54:46,918 --> 00:54:48,287
There were books like
The Population Bomb.

1186
00:54:48,334 --> 00:54:49,147
(Whimsical piano)

1187
00:54:49,171 --> 00:54:50,547
There were ideas that, you know,

1188
00:54:50,797 --> 00:54:54,468
hungry babies are the
grounds for communism.

1189
00:54:54,593 --> 00:54:56,094
This is why people
are revolting.

1190
00:54:56,743 --> 00:54:59,204
Now we're hearing, you know,

1191
00:54:59,389 --> 00:55:02,351
climate crisis
overpopulation worries.

1192
00:55:02,583 --> 00:55:03,400
(Gulp)

1193
00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:05,055
But the thing about
that is that it's not the...

1194
00:55:05,479 --> 00:55:07,981
it's not the absolute
number of people that is

1195
00:55:07,981 --> 00:55:09,005
causing the climate crisis.

1196
00:55:09,139 --> 00:55:10,143
It's the...

1197
00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:13,605
it's the fossil fuel
industry, essentially.

1198
00:55:14,529 --> 00:55:18,658
And, rather than blaming
people for having too many kids,

1199
00:55:18,909 --> 00:55:21,495
we need to euthanize
the fossil fuel industry.

1200
00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:25,210
And then the other, problem
with the climate crisis is

1201
00:55:25,772 --> 00:55:27,876
there's no way to, oh, oh,

1202
00:55:27,876 --> 00:55:30,504
we're gonna reduce the birth
rate even more steeply than

1203
00:55:30,504 --> 00:55:31,922
it's reducing now,

1204
00:55:31,922 --> 00:55:35,013
and that's somehow gonna fix,
the climate crisis by what?

1205
00:55:35,342 --> 00:55:36,718
You know, 2100?

1206
00:55:37,010 --> 00:55:38,678
So I think it's, in general,

1207
00:55:38,678 --> 00:55:42,307
the overpopulation thing is
a diversionary tactic to try to

1208
00:55:43,225 --> 00:55:46,518
keep people from seeing
what is actually going on.

1209
00:55:47,569 --> 00:55:50,239
Sometimes when we think about
low fertility, people think,

1210
00:55:50,399 --> 00:55:51,858
well, you know, is it
really such a problem?

1211
00:55:51,858 --> 00:55:53,568
The earth might
have too many people.

1212
00:55:54,027 --> 00:55:57,781
Maybe this is a good thing
that we have low fertility.

1213
00:55:58,365 --> 00:56:00,651
But there are some real
consequences to very low

1214
00:56:00,676 --> 00:56:01,701
birth rates.

1215
00:56:01,701 --> 00:56:04,538
Particularly if low birth
rates go on for a long time.

1216
00:56:05,288 --> 00:56:07,290
The obvious one a lot of
people think about is something

1217
00:56:07,290 --> 00:56:09,376
like Social Security, right?

1218
00:56:09,376 --> 00:56:10,749
Because how does
Social Security work?

1219
00:56:10,792 --> 00:56:11,472
(Purposeful music)

1220
00:56:11,496 --> 00:56:13,373
Current workers pay taxes,

1221
00:56:13,415 --> 00:56:16,752
and those taxes basically
go directly from their pocket

1222
00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:18,218
to current retirees.

1223
00:56:18,807 --> 00:56:20,220
Fewer workers, more retirees

1224
00:56:20,220 --> 00:56:22,389
means a more burden
on the worker or the

1225
00:56:22,389 --> 00:56:24,433
retirees' standard
of living is gonna fall.

1226
00:56:24,506 --> 00:56:25,511
Everybody's more miserable.

1227
00:56:25,529 --> 00:56:26,167
(Thud)

1228
00:56:26,192 --> 00:56:27,222
That's pretty clear.

1229
00:56:27,493 --> 00:56:30,057
What a lot of people don't
realize is that actually falling

1230
00:56:30,105 --> 00:56:34,276
population growth has the effect
of reducing the returns on

1231
00:56:34,276 --> 00:56:36,403
all assets and investment.

1232
00:56:37,028 --> 00:56:39,017
So you end up getting
these vicious cycles of asset

1233
00:56:39,042 --> 00:56:40,042
(Air deflating)

1234
00:56:40,198 --> 00:56:44,494
deflation and ultimately of
decrepitude and infrastructure.

1235
00:56:45,454 --> 00:56:50,750
There are real costs,
to society on the whole when

1236
00:56:50,750 --> 00:56:55,630
population falls,
persistently for a long time.

1237
00:56:56,115 --> 00:56:57,174
Are they manageable?

1238
00:56:57,174 --> 00:57:00,552
Maybe. With a well-functioning
political system governed by

1239
00:57:00,552 --> 00:57:05,182
competent people who can elicit,
good cooperation from

1240
00:57:05,474 --> 00:57:06,641
diverse parties,

1241
00:57:06,641 --> 00:57:10,187
you might be able to
manage falling population in a

1242
00:57:10,187 --> 00:57:13,940
reasonably, you know,
non-catastrophic way.

1243
00:57:13,940 --> 00:57:16,776
But I don't think anyone
believes that list I just

1244
00:57:16,776 --> 00:57:20,655
gave describes American
politics in the 21st century.

1245
00:57:21,615 --> 00:57:23,116
This is gonna be a
problem real soon.

1246
00:57:23,116 --> 00:57:24,451
It's gonna be a problem
for us, where like,

1247
00:57:24,743 --> 00:57:25,744
we have no children.

1248
00:57:25,744 --> 00:57:27,537
It's like, we also have, nothing

1249
00:57:27,537 --> 00:57:29,279
and we're old and
we're working at

1250
00:57:29,304 --> 00:57:30,309
Walmart and we're 90.

1251
00:57:30,334 --> 00:57:31,052
(Cash register beeps)

1252
00:57:31,076 --> 00:57:32,118
Like, this is awful.

1253
00:57:32,494 --> 00:57:35,325
And there's an aging society
with no one to actually take

1254
00:57:35,369 --> 00:57:36,456
care of them.

1255
00:57:36,463 --> 00:57:40,105
But like, this is part of, like,
the tumor that's capitalism.

1256
00:57:40,209 --> 00:57:40,933
(Glass smashes)

1257
00:57:40,957 --> 00:57:43,887
So it's kind of, like, not
incumbent upon like, young women

1258
00:57:43,887 --> 00:57:46,389
to crank out babies so that
we have like enough money

1259
00:57:46,389 --> 00:57:47,724
to take care of grandpa.

1260
00:57:48,767 --> 00:57:51,436
You know, like, that's the
way we've set up society.

1261
00:57:51,436 --> 00:57:54,731
And now we're just gonna have
to find a way to reset it up

1262
00:57:54,731 --> 00:57:57,609
because, you know, it's become

1263
00:57:59,444 --> 00:58:02,072
for many people it's just
become financially unviable

1264
00:58:02,072 --> 00:58:03,281
to have the kids.

1265
00:58:04,606 --> 00:58:07,029
I think that I will be cared
for in old age because I think

1266
00:58:07,042 --> 00:58:07,922
(Bicycle wheels turning)

1267
00:58:07,946 --> 00:58:12,033
I will live a life surrounded
by friends and connections

1268
00:58:12,666 --> 00:58:14,751
that may or may
not be related to me.

1269
00:58:15,210 --> 00:58:18,004
And someone being related
to you doesn't guarantee that

1270
00:58:18,004 --> 00:58:20,465
they will provide
care in your old age,

1271
00:58:21,210 --> 00:58:23,129
you know, or be the
right person to do that.

1272
00:58:24,052 --> 00:58:26,972
If you live your life in a
way that makes people feel

1273
00:58:26,972 --> 00:58:29,022
connected to you,

1274
00:58:29,047 --> 00:58:32,596
that's the best way to
have a cared for old age.

1275
00:58:32,936 --> 00:58:35,730
And that's the same if you
have kids and you make them feel

1276
00:58:35,730 --> 00:58:38,233
cared for and then they
know that they're loved,

1277
00:58:38,233 --> 00:58:40,735
I think that's a very good
chance that they will want to

1278
00:58:40,735 --> 00:58:41,873
take care of you
in old age, but...

1279
00:58:42,083 --> 00:58:43,763
(Gentle piano)

1280
00:58:44,614 --> 00:58:48,076
Again, doesn't that say that
having children could be seen

1281
00:58:48,076 --> 00:58:49,911
as a fundamentally selfish act

1282
00:58:50,287 --> 00:58:51,746
if someone's concern is

1283
00:58:51,746 --> 00:58:54,416
I need to have children so
that they can take care of me?

1284
00:58:55,125 --> 00:58:58,845
(Gentle piano continues)

1285
00:59:01,834 --> 00:59:04,322
The men that I date, they might
not want to have kids now,

1286
00:59:04,843 --> 00:59:06,803
but they probably want to
have kids in the future.

1287
00:59:06,803 --> 00:59:09,472
So when I say I don't have kids,
it's a shocking experience.

1288
00:59:09,472 --> 00:59:11,725
And I always say, you know,
you don't have to do this.

1289
00:59:11,725 --> 00:59:14,686
We don't have to, continue
into a relationship together if

1290
00:59:14,686 --> 00:59:15,895
that's something that you want,

1291
00:59:15,895 --> 00:59:18,898
because I am sure, that's
something that I do not want.

1292
00:59:19,639 --> 00:59:24,231
Dating is hard, I'm okay
being single, do I want kids?

1293
00:59:24,237 --> 00:59:29,326
No, but would I, raise a child?

1294
00:59:29,868 --> 00:59:31,119
Somebody else's child?

1295
00:59:31,584 --> 00:59:34,414
I don't know,
you know, I'm open to it.

1296
00:59:34,414 --> 00:59:37,000
It's not something
that I can say right now,

1297
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:38,335
I would never do that.

1298
00:59:38,515 --> 00:59:44,446
Yeah, I actually, it's funny
because I would sort out,

1299
00:59:44,456 --> 00:59:45,618
filter out people who had

1300
00:59:45,665 --> 00:59:47,652
children or who
at least admitted

1301
00:59:47,677 --> 00:59:49,846
to having children
on those apps.

1302
00:59:50,295 --> 00:59:52,634
So I would filter them
out absolutely and people,

1303
00:59:52,641 --> 00:59:55,268
my friends would be like, Julia,
beggars can't be choosers.

1304
00:59:55,518 --> 00:59:56,543
That's not...

1305
00:59:57,385 --> 00:59:58,599
But I would be like, listen,

1306
00:59:58,619 --> 01:00:00,106
it's just, it’s
just math, right?

1307
01:00:00,142 --> 01:00:00,918
(Offbeat music)

1308
01:00:00,931 --> 01:00:03,937
I have not been able to find,
one person who can tolerate me.

1309
01:00:03,943 --> 01:00:05,695
I would need to find
three people who like me:

1310
01:00:05,695 --> 01:00:07,656
the man, the child
and the ex-wife.

1311
01:00:08,073 --> 01:00:08,782
It's just not gonna work.

1312
01:00:08,782 --> 01:00:10,575
Like, the probability of getting

1313
01:00:10,652 --> 01:00:13,530
all three of them aligned,
on this issue of me.

1314
01:00:13,578 --> 01:00:14,788
It's just not gonna happen.

1315
01:00:14,990 --> 01:00:17,200
That's, that’s really great.

1316
01:00:17,367 --> 01:00:18,683
I like the way you think.

1317
01:00:19,366 --> 01:00:23,457
I didn't filter out guys with
kids because, I saw it from

1318
01:00:23,463 --> 01:00:24,756
the other point
of view of, like,

1319
01:00:24,756 --> 01:00:25,840
well, if he's already got a kid,

1320
01:00:25,840 --> 01:00:28,051
then it's far less likely
he's gonna want anymore.

1321
01:00:28,051 --> 01:00:30,095
So that lets me off the hook,
you know what I mean?

1322
01:00:30,130 --> 01:00:31,756
I'm happy enough to be a stepmom

1323
01:00:31,846 --> 01:00:33,473
to be like, you know, like...

1324
01:00:33,473 --> 01:00:35,225
hey, you know, cool advice,

1325
01:00:35,225 --> 01:00:36,434
but I'm not in charge of you.

1326
01:00:36,434 --> 01:00:37,451
You know what I mean, like?

1327
01:00:37,490 --> 01:00:38,463
(Door shuts)

1328
01:00:38,488 --> 01:00:39,508
Or, to whatever degree

1329
01:00:39,533 --> 01:00:40,304
(Windows open)

1330
01:00:40,349 --> 01:00:41,569
that is required of me,

1331
01:00:41,876 --> 01:00:43,535
I can step up to that challenge,

1332
01:00:43,560 --> 01:00:44,468
(Curtains whoosh)

1333
01:00:44,478 --> 01:00:46,823
but it's not incumbent
upon me to like, I mean,

1334
01:00:47,022 --> 01:00:48,982
just get a kid out of my body.

1335
01:00:49,483 --> 01:00:51,457
And with the current
partner, I think we...

1336
01:00:51,522 --> 01:00:52,940
I mean, talked
about that right away.

1337
01:00:53,034 --> 01:00:54,733
I mean, he already
has a daughter

1338
01:00:54,745 --> 01:00:56,097
from a previous relationship.

1339
01:00:56,114 --> 01:00:59,868
So we kind of went, yeah,
we're not gonna do that.

1340
01:00:59,958 --> 01:01:03,044
And it's nice to not,
have that pressure.

1341
01:01:04,077 --> 01:01:07,251
It would be much different
if I was dating a younger guy

1342
01:01:07,257 --> 01:01:08,633
who was like,
I really want a family.

1343
01:01:09,002 --> 01:01:11,004
Be like, okay, good
luck finding that.

1344
01:01:11,292 --> 01:01:12,292
(She chuckles)

1345
01:01:13,632 --> 01:01:17,469
I was married to a very
nice, guy named Aaron,

1346
01:01:17,500 --> 01:01:18,071
(Birds tweet)

1347
01:01:18,095 --> 01:01:21,181
and we were married for,
five, years,

1348
01:01:22,683 --> 01:01:23,809
five and a half years maybe.

1349
01:01:25,310 --> 01:01:26,336
And...

1350
01:01:28,480 --> 01:01:31,066
I had told him when we
were dating that I did not want

1351
01:01:31,156 --> 01:01:34,773
kids, but, after we got married,

1352
01:01:34,868 --> 01:01:39,748
I told him that I was willing
for a year, to sort of let it

1353
01:01:39,748 --> 01:01:42,417
ride, and if I got pregnant,

1354
01:01:42,625 --> 01:01:45,336
then we would then subsequently
have more children because,

1355
01:01:45,545 --> 01:01:48,381
you know, you raised
almost as an only child,

1356
01:01:48,381 --> 01:01:50,258
are the best,
you know, evidence of

1357
01:01:50,258 --> 01:01:51,760
why you don't want
to have just one child.

1358
01:01:52,552 --> 01:01:53,762
Don't want to put all
your eggs in one basket.

1359
01:01:53,762 --> 01:01:54,554
No, exactly.

1360
01:01:54,756 --> 01:01:58,176
But I didn't get pregnant,
and Aaron had to think about,

1361
01:01:58,218 --> 01:02:00,304
alright, did he want
to spend, I don't know,

1362
01:02:00,435 --> 01:02:03,563
40 grand on
reproductive technology?

1363
01:02:03,807 --> 01:02:06,079
And his answer was
a pretty strong no.

1364
01:02:07,692 --> 01:02:10,236
So it was never...you never
had a conversation of like,

1365
01:02:10,236 --> 01:02:12,238
it's either me or...

1366
01:02:13,114 --> 01:02:15,241
You know, if you want kids,
you gotta leave?

1367
01:02:15,944 --> 01:02:18,402
When I was 35, I ended
up freezing my eggs,

1368
01:02:18,443 --> 01:02:19,448
(Gentle bluesy music)

1369
01:02:19,476 --> 01:02:21,311
mainly to get my
mom off my back,

1370
01:02:21,915 --> 01:02:24,918
but also because I
always thought that

1371
01:02:25,543 --> 01:02:28,766
no man would want
to be with me unless I,

1372
01:02:28,792 --> 01:02:29,940
(Children playing on swings)

1373
01:02:29,964 --> 01:02:31,007
made him a child.

1374
01:02:32,801 --> 01:02:36,221
This was my experience with
my mother and her partner.

1375
01:02:36,507 --> 01:02:38,884
Yeah, I just, I didn't think

1376
01:02:40,058 --> 01:02:42,477
there was any reason
that somebody would

1377
01:02:42,477 --> 01:02:44,062
want me for me.

1378
01:02:44,854 --> 01:02:47,398
I remember when you
decided to freeze your eggs and

1379
01:02:47,398 --> 01:02:49,984
just remember thinking that
it was, really taxing on your

1380
01:02:49,984 --> 01:02:51,903
body and also very expensive

1381
01:02:52,314 --> 01:02:54,817
and that you were
doing it for sad reasons.

1382
01:02:55,150 --> 01:02:58,435
And I feel like the people
that you have dated...

1383
01:02:59,496 --> 01:03:01,373
How can I put
this diplomatically?

1384
01:03:03,164 --> 01:03:05,542
...were not the nicest.

1385
01:03:07,993 --> 01:03:12,417
We met when I was 22,
and my husband, Dory,

1386
01:03:12,501 --> 01:03:14,182
he was 28 at the time.

1387
01:03:15,211 --> 01:03:18,263
We got, quite serious quickly,

1388
01:03:18,497 --> 01:03:21,599
and I told Dory early on,

1389
01:03:22,267 --> 01:03:26,020
that I was, absolutely
certain I didn’t want children.

1390
01:03:27,188 --> 01:03:30,108
And, I still left open
the possibility, well,

1391
01:03:30,108 --> 01:03:33,361
maybe I will change my
mind, because I was 22,

1392
01:03:33,361 --> 01:03:36,573
and everyone told me, that's
fine, you'll change your mind.

1393
01:03:37,115 --> 01:03:40,326
So I said, I don't
really think so, but...

1394
01:03:41,160 --> 01:03:42,704
I really don't want children.

1395
01:03:42,996 --> 01:03:46,040
Do you ever feel bad that you
didn't make him a little Dory

1396
01:03:47,166 --> 01:03:49,095
or a little Summer, that...

1397
01:03:49,210 --> 01:03:50,893
Because you knew this was
something that he wanted?

1398
01:03:50,918 --> 01:03:51,647
(Gentle piano)

1399
01:03:51,671 --> 01:03:52,714
The fact that you weren't...

1400
01:03:53,548 --> 01:03:57,802
Yes, I do feel, sad that I,

1401
01:03:58,553 --> 01:04:01,306
through being the
right person for Dory,

1402
01:04:02,634 --> 01:04:04,177
changed the course of his life.

1403
01:04:04,231 --> 01:04:06,942
And maybe that meant
that he didn't have children.

1404
01:04:07,286 --> 01:04:08,319
But...

1405
01:04:09,019 --> 01:04:11,893
The way we both talked
about it is...that there were

1406
01:04:11,918 --> 01:04:13,127
(Rewinding tape)

1407
01:04:13,151 --> 01:04:16,946
multiple, amazing,
happy, great life paths.

1408
01:04:17,046 --> 01:04:18,798
And one of them
was the with children,

1409
01:04:18,813 --> 01:04:20,341
and one of them
was without children.

1410
01:04:20,366 --> 01:04:22,952
And you can't have both,
so this is the one that we have.

1411
01:04:23,369 --> 01:04:27,248
And he said, I want children,
but I want you more.

1412
01:04:30,554 --> 01:04:33,098
My husband's childhood
wasn't great either.

1413
01:04:34,063 --> 01:04:36,399
And...his dad was an alcoholic.

1414
01:04:39,761 --> 01:04:40,470
It's interesting.

1415
01:04:40,470 --> 01:04:41,930
My husband also got the brunt

1416
01:04:42,597 --> 01:04:46,184
of the emotional and like
the beatings and stuff.

1417
01:04:46,966 --> 01:04:52,893
And then on top of that,
my husband went to Iraq in 2004,

1418
01:04:52,941 --> 01:04:55,068
2005, when that was going on.

1419
01:04:56,653 --> 01:04:58,738
He has PTSD from it.

1420
01:04:59,729 --> 01:05:04,655
I think, if, my husband
didn't have PTSD,

1421
01:05:04,661 --> 01:05:06,788
didn't have like the alcoholism,

1422
01:05:08,283 --> 01:05:09,303
didn’t... like...

1423
01:05:09,326 --> 01:05:11,189
Just a little bit more stable.

1424
01:05:11,749 --> 01:05:16,128
I'd be 100 percent,
be more willing to have a child.

1425
01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:22,236
Unfortunately, I love him,
and he is who he is.

1426
01:05:22,261 --> 01:05:25,139
And I'm sure that, he would
say the same about me.

1427
01:05:26,099 --> 01:05:27,183
And I know his mom said,

1428
01:05:27,183 --> 01:05:30,019
it's not too late for you
to get a divorce and marry

1429
01:05:30,019 --> 01:05:32,021
someone else that
can actually have kids.

1430
01:05:35,143 --> 01:05:36,599
That's painful.

1431
01:05:38,947 --> 01:05:40,490
You know, when you asked me,

1432
01:05:41,114 --> 01:05:44,909
when was it like
pinpointing when, you,

1433
01:05:45,419 --> 01:05:47,212
realized that you didn't
want to have kids?

1434
01:05:48,282 --> 01:05:50,785
And I think back to college,

1435
01:05:51,368 --> 01:05:53,704
where, your, parents

1436
01:05:53,793 --> 01:05:56,254
essentially asked
you to have a child

1437
01:05:56,290 --> 01:05:57,303
to save their marriage.

1438
01:05:57,338 --> 01:05:59,090
No, no, no, no,
I wasn't gonna give birth.

1439
01:05:59,622 --> 01:06:01,192
Well, you were going to be

1440
01:06:01,217 --> 01:06:03,997
contributing the egg,
for your siblings.

1441
01:06:04,043 --> 01:06:05,883
No, what happened was when...

1442
01:06:05,888 --> 01:06:08,224
My mom married my
stepfather when I was 14.

1443
01:06:09,392 --> 01:06:10,852
They had my brother
when I was 16.

1444
01:06:11,546 --> 01:06:12,738
My mom was 39.

1445
01:06:13,390 --> 01:06:15,874
And then my stepfather
wanted a second child.

1446
01:06:16,043 --> 01:06:17,609
They had a really
bad relationship,

1447
01:06:17,644 --> 01:06:19,537
but he was pretty adamant
about a second child.

1448
01:06:19,736 --> 01:06:21,731
And then she was
already too old.

1449
01:06:21,773 --> 01:06:23,859
They went through,
I think, a year of IVF.

1450
01:06:23,901 --> 01:06:26,362
And then they were just
like, your eggs don't work.

1451
01:06:28,286 --> 01:06:29,579
And they asked me for my eggs.

1452
01:06:29,694 --> 01:06:30,741
(Gentle piano)

1453
01:06:30,747 --> 01:06:33,458
So she was in such a
desperate situation that

1454
01:06:34,083 --> 01:06:36,564
I said I would go
ahead and do it.

1455
01:06:36,576 --> 01:06:38,362
And I went and started
going to the doctors.

1456
01:06:38,494 --> 01:06:41,668
And, they needed a
shrink's approval, actually,

1457
01:06:41,674 --> 01:06:42,967
for this to happen.

1458
01:06:43,092 --> 01:06:45,511
The shrink took one look
at the three of us and said,

1459
01:06:45,672 --> 01:06:49,561
I will not approve
this situation.

1460
01:06:50,141 --> 01:06:52,560
And I was so happy that he did

1461
01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:53,888
because I really
didn't want to do this.

1462
01:06:53,918 --> 01:06:55,038
(Gentle piano)

1463
01:06:55,063 --> 01:06:58,858
Then my, stepfather told
her to leave the apartment,

1464
01:06:59,182 --> 01:07:00,896
leave her son...

1465
01:07:01,527 --> 01:07:03,154
Because his dream
had always been

1466
01:07:03,154 --> 01:07:04,322
to have two children.

1467
01:07:04,812 --> 01:07:07,069
If she couldn't give
him a second child,

1468
01:07:07,075 --> 01:07:09,410
he would find another
woman who would.

1469
01:07:09,571 --> 01:07:13,408
And the ironic...part of
this, for me personally,

1470
01:07:14,159 --> 01:07:15,186
was that...

1471
01:07:16,334 --> 01:07:18,503
They had dated for four
years before getting married,

1472
01:07:18,503 --> 01:07:20,463
during which time he made
her have two abortions,

1473
01:07:20,463 --> 01:07:23,007
because he wasn't ready...to,

1474
01:07:24,759 --> 01:07:26,344
to settle down at that point.

1475
01:07:27,422 --> 01:07:29,102
(Gentle piano continues)

1476
01:07:29,293 --> 01:07:33,351
And...nobody in my
family thinks that this is...

1477
01:07:43,017 --> 01:07:44,231
Like, if you have
a great family,

1478
01:07:44,237 --> 01:07:46,309
then the tendency's you're
probably gonna go make a great

1479
01:07:46,354 --> 01:07:48,318
family, unless you're
a sociopath, right?

1480
01:07:48,324 --> 01:07:49,450
Maybe, yeah.

1481
01:07:49,450 --> 01:07:52,245
Maybe, but like, you have a
higher likelihood sometimes.

1482
01:07:52,245 --> 01:07:54,247
-Yeah.
-But, you know, yes,

1483
01:07:54,247 --> 01:07:56,457
a lot of people from broken
homes go on to either

1484
01:07:56,457 --> 01:07:58,376
make them or just
try to avoid them.

1485
01:07:58,376 --> 01:07:58,835
Avoid them.

1486
01:07:58,835 --> 01:08:01,546
Yeah, I feel like it's just
like safest for all around,

1487
01:08:01,546 --> 01:08:05,727
for all people involved, is
for me to, not engage in that.

1488
01:08:05,752 --> 01:08:07,550
I've talked to two people
recently who have difficult

1489
01:08:07,593 --> 01:08:09,684
relationships with their
mother, and they were like,

1490
01:08:09,756 --> 01:08:11,424
I don't think she
wanted to be a mother.

1491
01:08:11,633 --> 01:08:13,075
And especially, you know,

1492
01:08:13,100 --> 01:08:14,726
if you're talking to
someone who is like the next

1493
01:08:14,767 --> 01:08:16,144
generation above us,

1494
01:08:16,676 --> 01:08:18,515
they would have been raised
by mothers who had to be

1495
01:08:18,521 --> 01:08:19,814
mothers, you know?

1496
01:08:20,231 --> 01:08:22,441
So a lot of those women
didn't want to be mothers.

1497
01:08:22,441 --> 01:08:25,069
There was just nothing else
for them to do in order to like

1498
01:08:25,069 --> 01:08:26,737
have a life, you know?

1499
01:08:27,113 --> 01:08:28,364
So I get that.

1500
01:08:28,781 --> 01:08:30,408
None of my
siblings has children.

1501
01:08:30,671 --> 01:08:31,690
Everybody, I think,

1502
01:08:31,715 --> 01:08:33,198
has a story they
tell themselves of why.

1503
01:08:33,232 --> 01:08:34,252
But I’m kind of, like,

1504
01:08:34,277 --> 01:08:36,950
we all experienced surviving
that family and thought,

1505
01:08:36,956 --> 01:08:38,416
let's not replicate this.

1506
01:08:39,876 --> 01:08:43,129
I think the first thing
to iron out is what

1507
01:08:44,458 --> 01:08:47,345
we would want this,
to look like.

1508
01:08:47,826 --> 01:08:51,747
This person, if we're lucky to,
create them and raise them,

1509
01:08:52,138 --> 01:08:54,640
will also exist, and they
won't be an abstraction.

1510
01:08:54,922 --> 01:08:57,304
And not only will they
not be an abstraction,

1511
01:08:57,310 --> 01:09:01,237
but there's somebody that you...
very likely will see,

1512
01:09:01,564 --> 01:09:04,400
and so, what does
that mean for you?

1513
01:09:04,400 --> 01:09:05,484
What does that mean for us?

1514
01:09:05,484 --> 01:09:07,570
And I ask these questions not
because I have a firm opinion

1515
01:09:07,570 --> 01:09:10,156
on it, but it is something that,
we should iron out.

1516
01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:13,695
Since it's not blind,
and even if it were blind...

1517
01:09:13,701 --> 01:09:17,343
like, in the age of
genetic testing, your child,

1518
01:09:17,362 --> 01:09:22,079
even if you didn't tell it
that it was, made up with

1519
01:09:22,120 --> 01:09:23,240
(Quirky music)

1520
01:09:23,265 --> 01:09:26,714
somebody else's eggs, would,
when they get to be of age,

1521
01:09:26,714 --> 01:09:28,758
would definitely
take a genetic test,

1522
01:09:28,998 --> 01:09:30,504
because most people do nowadays.

1523
01:09:30,509 --> 01:09:31,928
And they would be like, hey,

1524
01:09:31,964 --> 01:09:33,326
how come I'm like
a quarter Jewish?

1525
01:09:33,340 --> 01:09:34,532
(Surprise sound effect)

1526
01:09:34,557 --> 01:09:37,136
So sort of working
backwards from an adult child,

1527
01:09:37,215 --> 01:09:40,055
they would know,
even if you didn't tell them.

1528
01:09:40,061 --> 01:09:42,855
So I'm assuming you're
gonna tell them, right?

1529
01:09:43,308 --> 01:09:46,019
So working backwards from
the fact that they will know,

1530
01:09:46,083 --> 01:09:47,368
(Quirky music continues)

1531
01:09:47,392 --> 01:09:53,861
I may as well, be open
to them being in my life,

1532
01:09:53,866 --> 01:09:54,974
if they wanna be in my life.

1533
01:09:55,024 --> 01:09:58,490
But, it would be up to them,
and it would be up to you guys,

1534
01:09:58,496 --> 01:10:00,063
whether, you know, like...

1535
01:10:00,498 --> 01:10:02,124
The way I'm
imagining is that like,

1536
01:10:02,124 --> 01:10:04,919
oh, I send them like a book
for their birthday, and like,

1537
01:10:04,919 --> 01:10:06,879
oh look, Auntie
Julia sent you a book.

1538
01:10:07,255 --> 01:10:09,298
I think you're right that, say,

1539
01:10:09,298 --> 01:10:10,716
if we're lucky enough
to create this child,

1540
01:10:10,716 --> 01:10:13,844
that there's nothing that
prevents them from finding out

1541
01:10:13,844 --> 01:10:18,891
that they have,
ancestry that runs through

1542
01:10:18,891 --> 01:10:19,934
where your family is from.

1543
01:10:20,220 --> 01:10:23,514
That is not the same thing as
them knowing that, they are in

1544
01:10:23,562 --> 01:10:25,106
any way related
to you specifically.

1545
01:10:25,142 --> 01:10:26,165
That's true.

1546
01:10:26,268 --> 01:10:27,407
One, are you
comfortable with that?

1547
01:10:27,432 --> 01:10:31,064
And if you knew this child,
and we chose not to disclose

1548
01:10:31,070 --> 01:10:33,948
your genetic
relationship to them,

1549
01:10:33,948 --> 01:10:36,701
would you, would you honor that?

1550
01:10:36,778 --> 01:10:39,078
(Quirky music continues)

1551
01:10:39,364 --> 01:10:42,020
I would. Absolutely. Absolutely.

1552
01:10:43,239 --> 01:10:46,743
(Melancholy music)

1553
01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:53,957
I...talked to people, to
women, and to men,

1554
01:10:54,385 --> 01:10:59,963
and...none of them...
said that they're happy

1555
01:10:59,964 --> 01:11:01,887
that they do not have children,

1556
01:11:02,592 --> 01:11:04,578
the ones who could
do not have children.

1557
01:11:04,603 --> 01:11:07,648
And they kind of
regretted it, all the time.

1558
01:11:07,648 --> 01:11:09,025
And the older you get,

1559
01:11:09,734 --> 01:11:12,445
the more you understand,
what's missing.

1560
01:11:12,643 --> 01:11:14,525
And, you know, the...

1561
01:11:14,566 --> 01:11:17,044
sorry, can I can I just
get this sample size?

1562
01:11:17,283 --> 01:11:20,494
Who are all of these men and
women that you spoke with who

1563
01:11:21,746 --> 01:11:23,205
regretted not having children?

1564
01:11:23,205 --> 01:11:23,664
Just curious.

1565
01:11:23,664 --> 01:11:24,915
You wanted the names?

1566
01:11:25,323 --> 01:11:27,412
Yeah, actually I do.

1567
01:11:28,002 --> 01:11:29,086
People who I...

1568
01:11:29,420 --> 01:11:29,920
Yeah?

1569
01:11:29,920 --> 01:11:30,838
...met.

1570
01:11:30,838 --> 01:11:33,007
Like, random
people on the street?

1571
01:11:33,299 --> 01:11:35,009
Jane? My friend's...

1572
01:11:35,634 --> 01:11:36,969
You questioned her?

1573
01:11:36,969 --> 01:11:38,846
Said, excuse me, do you
regret not having children?

1574
01:11:38,846 --> 01:11:39,722
It was just...

1575
01:11:39,751 --> 01:11:40,610
(She chuckles)

1576
01:11:40,634 --> 01:11:43,308
It was...just how the
conversation went around.

1577
01:11:43,344 --> 01:11:45,811
Because sometimes
you tend to say thing...

1578
01:11:45,904 --> 01:11:46,937
If I were to ask Jane...

1579
01:11:46,937 --> 01:11:48,105
But it's not just Jane.

1580
01:11:48,105 --> 01:11:50,024
If I were to ask Jane,
which I’m not going to,

1581
01:11:50,024 --> 01:11:53,611
but if I were, I'm just curious
whether she would confirm that.

1582
01:11:54,060 --> 01:11:55,983
Usually, people volunteer.

1583
01:11:56,437 --> 01:11:57,484
Really?

1584
01:11:57,501 --> 01:12:00,175
People volunteer saying
I regret I didn’t have children?

1585
01:12:00,529 --> 01:12:01,530
Yeah, kind of.

1586
01:12:03,220 --> 01:12:04,251
Thinking about,

1587
01:12:04,292 --> 01:12:05,047
(Gentle piano)

1588
01:12:05,071 --> 01:12:09,001
do I have regrets about
not having...had kids?

1589
01:12:09,001 --> 01:12:11,658
I don't think I really do,
because regret would mean that I

1590
01:12:11,661 --> 01:12:13,155
would have done
something different

1591
01:12:13,179 --> 01:12:14,673
under the same
circumstances, right?

1592
01:12:14,673 --> 01:12:17,727
So, I don't, really regret it.

1593
01:12:17,792 --> 01:12:23,510
I think, I mourn that we have
a system that doesn't make

1594
01:12:25,883 --> 01:12:30,601
child rearing, really something
that, is appealing, right?

1595
01:12:30,972 --> 01:12:32,978
And that, you know,

1596
01:12:32,983 --> 01:12:38,658
that we have a system where,
making that decision really

1597
01:12:38,729 --> 01:12:42,154
puts you in all kinds of,
other binds that are just

1598
01:12:42,993 --> 01:12:44,578
that are just really difficult.

1599
01:12:44,865 --> 01:12:47,785
People go through
those, periods and

1600
01:12:47,915 --> 01:12:50,501
if the, if the
conditions aren't right,

1601
01:12:50,871 --> 01:12:54,441
then they just, continue
their lives and don't have kids.

1602
01:12:54,525 --> 01:12:55,527
Which is fine.

1603
01:12:55,584 --> 01:12:58,305
You can have a fulfilling
life without having kids,

1604
01:12:58,541 --> 01:12:59,581
obviously.

1605
01:13:00,594 --> 01:13:03,095
But, if you really
want to have kids,

1606
01:13:03,129 --> 01:13:06,929
you shouldn't have to,
suffer in the way that we make

1607
01:13:06,934 --> 01:13:08,227
American parents suffer.

1608
01:13:08,978 --> 01:13:11,355
I think that no matter
what you choose,

1609
01:13:11,355 --> 01:13:14,200
you are going to have regrets,
and that's

1610
01:13:14,224 --> 01:13:17,027
natural and supposed
to happen, you know,

1611
01:13:17,027 --> 01:13:19,405
because, like, I don't know,

1612
01:13:19,405 --> 01:13:22,032
that's what it means to have
a life and make choices in it.

1613
01:13:22,032 --> 01:13:24,410
So, yeah, there are
gonna be some regrets,

1614
01:13:24,410 --> 01:13:27,538
but not, overwhelming enough

1615
01:13:27,538 --> 01:13:28,956
that I’m gonna be on my deathbed

1616
01:13:28,956 --> 01:13:32,126
like, you know what,
I did it all wrong,

1617
01:13:32,325 --> 01:13:35,290
and I shoulda had those
four kids, and really, you know,

1618
01:13:35,296 --> 01:13:36,868
like, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

1619
01:13:36,918 --> 01:13:38,940
(Long flatline)

1620
01:13:39,419 --> 01:13:43,300
I, to this day, I feel, sad that
my parents are not grandparents.

1621
01:13:43,334 --> 01:13:44,334
(Sad piano)

1622
01:13:44,670 --> 01:13:49,930
And, it's one of the
few places where I will

1623
01:13:50,430 --> 01:13:53,387
own that it is a
selfish decision,

1624
01:13:53,809 --> 01:13:57,868
because I do not think,
that, deciding to be childfree

1625
01:13:57,943 --> 01:14:00,529
is a selfish decision in
any way, shape, or form,

1626
01:14:00,529 --> 01:14:02,072
except when it
comes to my parents.

1627
01:14:02,276 --> 01:14:05,446
Because I put what I wanted
ahead of what they wanted.

1628
01:14:05,471 --> 01:14:08,182
And I don't do that a lot
when it comes to my parents.

1629
01:14:09,408 --> 01:14:11,201
The other place...

1630
01:14:11,226 --> 01:14:13,895
There are two places:
my parents and my religion.

1631
01:14:15,124 --> 01:14:17,709
As...a Jewish person,

1632
01:14:18,306 --> 01:14:21,518
I feel a responsibility to
make sure we stay around.

1633
01:14:21,959 --> 01:14:24,177
(Sad piano continues)

1634
01:14:24,929 --> 01:14:27,640
We lost six million of us.

1635
01:14:31,263 --> 01:14:32,556
At this point in the world,

1636
01:14:32,598 --> 01:14:34,434
I'm not convinced that
couldn't happen again.

1637
01:14:37,298 --> 01:14:41,470
And...I feel a responsibility to

1638
01:14:42,019 --> 01:14:46,278
make sure that,
Judaism continues.

1639
01:14:47,076 --> 01:14:53,249
And I am...not fulfilling
that responsibility.

1640
01:14:55,251 --> 01:14:58,837
And that is a
very difficult thing.

1641
01:14:59,416 --> 01:15:03,462
Again, wouldn't be a
good reason to have a child.

1642
01:15:04,379 --> 01:15:08,675
I adopted a real stoic
philosophy a few years ago when

1643
01:15:09,088 --> 01:15:13,430
I read a quote by Epictetus who
lived almost 2,000 years ago,

1644
01:15:13,435 --> 01:15:18,607
and he said, a ship should
not sail on a single anchor,

1645
01:15:18,607 --> 01:15:20,192
nor life on a single hope.

1646
01:15:20,646 --> 01:15:23,232
And it's certainly an
expectation that I had,

1647
01:15:23,362 --> 01:15:24,488
that I would have children.

1648
01:15:24,983 --> 01:15:28,175
But I...don't know,

1649
01:15:28,200 --> 01:15:31,078
I just knew in that minute that
when I read that, that, I...

1650
01:15:31,495 --> 01:15:33,163
life was fine the way...

1651
01:15:33,163 --> 01:15:35,416
with the variety of
experiences that I had.

1652
01:15:35,708 --> 01:15:37,001
So I'm okay.

1653
01:15:38,502 --> 01:15:41,957
You know, I mean,
one thing about blind donation,

1654
01:15:42,170 --> 01:15:45,551
it structurally, prevents one

1655
01:15:45,551 --> 01:15:48,887
from having, you know,
feelings of,

1656
01:15:49,508 --> 01:15:52,261
loss or regret or
what could have been.

1657
01:15:53,517 --> 01:15:57,313
Probability of you, hopefully
seeing you know what your

1658
01:15:57,313 --> 01:15:59,231
eggs can become, I mean, like...

1659
01:16:00,941 --> 01:16:02,901
Scenario: five years from now.

1660
01:16:02,985 --> 01:16:04,236
You know...well,

1661
01:16:04,236 --> 01:16:05,529
I hope we see each
other before then,

1662
01:16:05,529 --> 01:16:06,280
but you know what I mean?

1663
01:16:06,280 --> 01:16:06,947
Yeah.

1664
01:16:07,531 --> 01:16:11,535
I have no idea how to answer
that question, obviously.

1665
01:16:11,994 --> 01:16:13,370
There are studies, though,

1666
01:16:13,370 --> 01:16:16,332
that say that women
who never wanted children

1667
01:16:17,166 --> 01:16:20,586
don’t tend to experience
regret, for not having them.

1668
01:16:20,949 --> 01:16:22,917
The ones that did want
them and were unable

1669
01:16:22,953 --> 01:16:25,002
to have them...do.

1670
01:16:25,799 --> 01:16:28,844
So I'm in the former camp
where statistically I'm not

1671
01:16:28,844 --> 01:16:30,596
supposed to experience regret.

1672
01:16:31,069 --> 01:16:33,450
Granted, none of those
women who were surveyed,

1673
01:16:33,464 --> 01:16:35,095
probably, have had

1674
01:16:35,100 --> 01:16:37,436
their eggs created into
children with other people,

1675
01:16:37,436 --> 01:16:39,772
that then they meet
five years or 10 years or

1676
01:16:39,772 --> 01:16:40,848
20 years down the line.

1677
01:16:41,351 --> 01:16:44,938
So in practice,
what it will be like, of course,

1678
01:16:44,985 --> 01:16:46,737
I have, I have no idea.

1679
01:16:47,149 --> 01:16:48,160
Yeah.

1680
01:16:48,407 --> 01:16:49,793
Cool, so, all right.

1681
01:16:49,818 --> 01:16:50,849
Is it?

1682
01:16:50,876 --> 01:16:51,876
(Laughing)

1683
01:16:51,904 --> 01:16:52,920
Is it?

1684
01:16:53,876 --> 01:16:55,709
(Lighthearted music)

1685
01:16:57,164 --> 01:16:58,916
So, this is the thing.

1686
01:17:03,879 --> 01:17:05,547
Do you mind my
asking what it's for?

1687
01:17:06,507 --> 01:17:07,591
Yeah, it's...

1688
01:17:08,342 --> 01:17:10,719
so I had previously frozen eggs

1689
01:17:10,719 --> 01:17:13,097
and I'm donating
them to somebody.

1690
01:17:13,972 --> 01:17:16,308
So I'm basically
like signing away my

1691
01:17:17,184 --> 01:17:19,061
last opportunity
to have had a child.

1692
01:17:20,229 --> 01:17:21,814
Wow, okay, well.

1693
01:17:22,893 --> 01:17:25,605
Yeah, so, um, my ID, right?

1694
01:17:26,068 --> 01:17:27,113
Yeah.

1695
01:17:31,740 --> 01:17:33,325
What's today's date? The four -

1696
01:17:33,325 --> 01:17:33,951
Thirteenth.

1697
01:17:33,951 --> 01:17:34,998
Thirteenth. Okay.

1698
01:17:35,125 --> 01:17:38,858
(Hopeful music)

1699
01:18:30,043 --> 01:18:34,117
(Whimsical music)