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My mom used to always tell me
to take pictures.
You can always reminisce and reflect in a more tangible way.
I actually have a lot of pictures.
The sad thing is
I have no pictures with my father.
Father's Day 2023.
Literally, some months ago,
I called up my dad, I told him, "Happy Father's Day."
And then something came in my head,
and I was like, "Dad, do we have any pictures together?"
And he's like, "Oh yeah, we got pictures
with you and the family, with your grandma."
And I'm like, "No, pictures of just you and me.
Do we have any pictures together?"
And he said, "No, son. I don't think so."
And I was like, "You don't find that strange",
that you're in your mid-60s, I just hit my 40s,
"and we don't have one single picture together?"
And there was just complete silence.
So what I did, I asked him,
I'm like, "Look, I wanna document somethin'."
Us, you and I havin' a sit down conversation
about some questions, some unanswered questions
that I have about my childhood,
"and also the reason why we don't have a picture together."
And he said he was cool with doing that.
So I'm pretty much on my journey
to discovering what that conversation's gonna lead to,
what I'm gonna find.
But ultimately, yeah, I'm on my way right now to LAX and,
yeah, we'll see what happens.
First stop,
it's gonna be Southwest Airlines.
Southwest Airlines people, check around your seats,
make sure nothing fell out of your pockets,
your keys, your license, your ticket.
First stop, Southwest Airlines and Allegiant.
I'm here at Austin Airport,
waiting on my flight to Palm Beach International.
Got like a two-hour layover.
So I'm just kicking it, just waitin'.
Here in West Palm.
About to start this journey.
Well, midway through the journey.
Part of the journey was getting here.
So, thank God, it was a long day.
Pretty much flew the whole day over 10 hours
of waiting and flying, and all that stuff.
But I'm here. Thanks be to God.
I think this is my mom right here pulling up.
Otherwise, this person wouldn't be pulling up like this.
See?
So I'm here. Finally got my mom here.
Yep. - Mm.
I told Kee they need to put some more lights out here.
To this stuff right here. People can't see.
Were there lights before?
Hmm-mm, they ain't never had none.
They ain't never have lights out here?
Hmm-mm, see how the thing is?
That's what I'm saying.
Morning.
I'm about to get ready and go meet up with my dad right now
so that we can have that conversation.
It's a beautiful day here in Florida.
Like I said before,
he doesn't know the questions I'm gonna ask.
I don't know his responses, obviously.
But the main thing is that we're gonna sit down
and have a conversation.
And, ultimately, we'll get our first picture together.
I'm gonna start to load up the car
with the production equipment.
I'm a one-man cast and crew, so...
It's always been like that, but I love it.
All right, got everything loaded.
That's my main camera right there.
That's set.
I got it pre-set up,
that way it's a lot easier when I start shootin',
especially being a one-man cast and crew.
Don't know if you can see. It's kinda dark.
Got my lighting, sound, more camera equipment,
batteries, all that stuff in there.
Let's go.
Hold on, let me get my stuff out.
Ah.
'Sup, boss?
- Hi. - How you feelin'?
Why lookin' like that?
Why?
You lookin' at her more than me!
What you mean?
I already got-
You got everything? - Yeah.
Here we go.
You ready?
I'm good. Let's go.
Let's do this.
First of all, I wanna appreciate you,
you know, taking out the time to sit down with me.
These bugs, man.
Could've had that fan, but it would've made a sound.
It's all good.
So describe Belle Glade,
where you from, where were you born, and all that stuff.
I was born in Belle Glade, Florida
in the year 1961.
Okay.
At Glades General Hospital.
Better known-
Better known as Killer General, don't...
Yeah, that was what they called it back then.
'Cause I guess people felt like they lost
more of their loved ones than they,
you know, they could've saved, but-
Right.
So where'd you live at, like work,
was it like a certain area-
My childhood days, I grew up in Okeechobee Projects,
Number Two, right?
And at first, we stayed
in the biggest white house on the project
because my mom worked in the office,
the rental office right there.
And then when they started developing the projects,
we moved to 19 Carver Street.
And I stayed at 19 Carver Street from that time
until finishing school and on my way to the military.
So yeah, a lot of good days on Carver Street.
A lot of good days.
Do you know the name
of those projects today?
It was Okeechobee Project Number One,
which was one, I mean, Number Two,
and it was Okeechobee Project, what is now Osceola.
Oh.
On Avenue L in Belle Glade now.
Okay. - But, yeah,
that was where mostly the Hispanic people stayed at,
then most of the Black people stayed in Osceola,
I mean, project number two.
The hospital,
was that off of where you were born?
Was that off of Main Street?
Well, back in them days
that wasn't a four-lane highway.
That used to be a two-lane highway.
- Oh, okay. - And it used to be lined
with Australian pine trees.
So I don't know, I can't tell you exactly
when they constructed the new Belle Glade General,
but it was like, that was a labor camp, you know?
So you can imagine what,
when they had the best of everything.
But as time progressed, they got a program
and they started puttin' up decent buildings and stuff.
I couldn't tell you what Glades General was before,
before I got there, no. - Okay.
You used to hang out, you had like a hangout spot?
Oh, yeah, man.
Randy Burton, somethin' like that?
No, Randy couldn't hang out with us.
He wasn't built that way.
Where do you use to hang out at?
See, we used to hang out in the projects.
You know, we always stayed in the projects.
We never like came to Belle Glade
unless we going to school. - Okay.
Well, I was in gang, really,
to be honest with you.
We had a little bit of G, gang.
Yeah, yeah.
We were hanging out right there
in the corner after school.
Every day after school. - Okay.
You know, up in the basketball court.
We used to kinda have this building
they called assembly building,
a little place where everybody came
and gathered and played cards,
- all old timers or whatever. - Right.
They had like a little restaurant in there.
It was ran by Mr. Poolboy and my Aunt Petey.
She used to work in it also, that was Dee mama.
Oh, okay.
So describe your family structure, like as a child.
Like-
We was a close-knit family.
You know, yeah, we didn't have a big family
but we was a very, very close-knit family.
Everybody would come over on Sundays,
and then eat breakfast and dinner on a Sunday,
and then it happened.
I forgot to tell you, Reggie.
When we was in the beginning of the project,
in the white building, all of us stayed in the same house.
All my aunts, all of us stayed in the same house
Until everybody got grown,
like, then they went on about their own merry ways.
But yeah, no big family but we made do with what we had.
Right.
How was your relationship with your father?
I didn't really know my father until like,
well, maybe I was in, maybe the 10th,
maybe 10th, 11th grade.
Yeah, he didn't come around.
Unless, you know, he come around
when he would be drunk and all
and my mom was always like, "Take me in the back room"
"and shield me away from him," you know?
And I don't know why but, you know.
But, yeah, I didn't really have
a good relationship with my dad-
So you had a strong relationship
with your mom?
- Oh yeah, most definitely. - Okay.
Yeah, she was my mom, she was all our mom and dad.
Exactly.
Do you have any pictures with your father?
I have seen pictures of him in his house,
but I don't have any of 'em, no.
Yeah, no, like you and him.
No, no, no.
So you don't have-
He wasn't really in my life.
Oh, okay. - Yeah.
So I hear
you was extremely intelligent in high school.
Pretty much.
Yeah, what does that mean?
I can get by.
Could've been, I could've did better, you know?
But you go along through high school
and you play around, you play around.
And then when the world hits you,
you wish you had done better back in that day because-
Right, right.
It affects you later on in life, you know?
Right.
I'm just lucky enough to be, like,
able to go into the military,
and that really changed me, you know?
- Right, right. - Because, I don't know...
I think I was on the verge of selling drugs
if I had not went into the military.
Right.
You know, 'cause that was what everybody was doing then.
But not so much what everybody was doing it,
that was a way of making ends meet.
What branch of military did you serve in?
I did six years in the United States Army.
I started out at basic training in Fort Gordon.
I did all my basic training at AIT in Fort Gordon.
And then my first duty station was in Fort Stewart, Georgia.
I think I might've stayed at Fort Stewart
maybe in six, eight months.
And then after that little stunt,
I was shipped over to Korea.
Ah, oh, okay.
For like 18 months.
Okay.
And then after I left Korea, I ended up in California.
And that's where, what are they called, ETS,
that's like when you got done all your time.
Right, right, right.
That's what ETS, they ship you back home.
How old was I
when you and my mom separated?
How old was I?
Mm, I think you might've been maybe five or six.
You couldn't have been nine.
Yeah, you... Five or six.
Maybe younger, because I remember I used to,
I mean we used to get up Saturday mornin' and clean up,
and then we used to drink beer afterwards.
Who is we? Who is we?
We.
We used to drink, your mama was gone to work,
she didn't know.
So you tellin' me I used to drink?
Yeah-
- And I didn't know about it. - Yeah-
Man, everybody know
that I never had a sip of alcohol in my life and you...
That's what you told them.
You should've did your research first.
Oh, man. I have no idea.
Yeah. - I have no idea.
You ain't drank much.
I just gave you a little sip.
You're going to get it from me, out the icebox, but yeah.
So I was about to ask you,
do you have a fun memory between us?
Are those the fun memories-
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
We spend a lot of time together, one on one.
But you was much smaller.
You wasn't old enough to realize, I mean-
Right, right, right.
To put things together.
But yeah, we-
So whenever I will go
and visit you and stuff like that, we, you know?
Mm-hmm.
But we never took
any pictures together, though, right?
We never took any pictures together.
I don't think, yeah.
I came home after you was born for a couple days.
Mm-hmm.
And I had to go back, I think I went back,
I think I was in Georgia then.
Yeah, I think I was in Georgia.
Ain't no way in the world
they would let me come from Korea.
Right.
But, yeah, I came home when you was born
for a couple days.
But we didn't get to the stage
where we gonna get a chance to get pictures together.
Right, right, right.
Do you remember not coming to pick me up
during a holiday visit?
Remember that?
Holidays...
There was one holiday visit
where you didn't come pick me up.
You remember that?
What day was that? What holiday was that?
I was supposed to come over there
with you for Christmas, it was like a Christmas holiday.
And I was waiting outside-
And where was I?
I don't know.
You're supposed to come pick me up.
I know nothin' about that.
I was waitin', I was waitin'.
And you remember where-
Off of Sixth Street?
In West Palm.
In West Palm, there was a,
it was a department store or somethin' like that
and you were supposed to come pick me up
and I was supposed to go over there-
To Belle Glade?
Yeah.
And then... Huh, that's-
You don't remember that?
No, that don't stick to me.
I normally remember stuff, but that might've happened.
And I apologize about it, if I didn't pick you up.
I don't know what the reason...
No, yeah, yeah.
I mean, believe me, I remember that.
I bet you remember. - Yeah.
Do you know that I was coming home
in a police car at the age of 12?
I didn't know you was coming home in...
No, I didn't know that. - Yeah.
But I did know you was in the store
stealing cookies or chips or whatever.
Right. - And that was that time?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, she called me and told me about that,
but I'm like, young people-
And that's the thing.
I think it was just that when you were that young,
you just trying to fit in with your friends,
- you know what I'm sayin'? - Yeah, I don't know-
You don't have a sense of like,
"Oh," like, "I need to be wise about this
"because in the future this ain't gonna," you know,
you just wanna run with your boys and stuff like that,
and that's what I was doing pretty much.
Well, she threatened to bring you back to me
'cause you had stole a pack of cookie.
But damn, I stole plenty packs of cookies, you know?
You might've been hungry.
I mean, as long as he ain't got a record, you know?
Right. - You all right.
How important-
She did not tell me that you was in the police car.
Yeah, well, they brought me home,
like they didn't press charges or anything.
And at that age, when I was in the store
and the lady was like, or the police officer asked the lady,
she was like, "Do you wanna press charges," you know?
And I'm looking at them,
like, "What the hell does press charges mean," you know?
So I-
You didn't want her pressing charges.
But they brought me back
in the police car to the crib and-
So what'd she say?
She was livid? - She was livid.
It always seemed like whenever she has somethin' for me,
like she had like a brand new bunk bed set
and all this stuff, whenever she had somethin' for me
I would always... Screw it up.
It was just a weird coincidence
some of that stuff happened.
How important is school
and then getting your education is to you?
It is very important.
I tell my children all the while,
I mean, all of them, that you need to apply yourself
and then, because you see other people
in other countries they don't have it,
nowhere near as good as you do.
And I instill in them,
those people that live in them third world countries,
when they come to the United States,
they come for a purpose, they come with a purpose.
And that purpose is to do better, and they do that.
And I always tell them,
man, if you don't apply yourself,
those same Haitian friends of yours,
same Jamaican friends, Cuban friends,
they gonna be your boss one day-
- Right. - If you don't straighten up.
Yeah, it's very important.
Especially now, man.
If you don't know computers, you lost.
Right. - Completely lost.
Do you remember
when you said you would support me 100%
when I went to college?
I think I may remember that.
But you gotta understand, back in them days,
I mean, money wouldn't like flowing around freely.
Right. - I think...
Where was I?
When you was in school, was I working with the county?
At UCF.
That was '98, '99.
'Cause I graduated from high school-
'98, I remember.
You and Kecia was up there together.
Right, right.
Yeah, but I don't make excuses.
For whatever reason it didn't happen,
I mean, I'm sure I had a reason that it didn't happen, but-
Yeah, right.
But, see, that's the one thing that I respect about you,
is that, like, you don't give excuses,
you don't shy away, you acknowledge-
Mm-hmm, yeah... That, okay,
you know, it was my fault, you know?
And, honestly, I think that's the main reason
why we have a relationship again, you know what I'm sayin'?
'Cause like you got many people out there,
many fathers out there,
they still won't swallow their pride,
they still wanna act like, you know,
oh, well, this and that, and want this happen.
It's like, come on, man, you know?
Yeah. - It's okay, you know?
Like, you know, we... That's life.
We hear and,
you know, like some people, some sons, some daughters,
they might not even, you know, have that,
"Oh, you know what? I need to wait on my dad,"
or, "I need to wait," 'cause they the grown ones,
so why I need to talk to them about it,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Why can't they... Yeah, yeah.
But I feel like they should,
the adults should've came in and addressed it, yeah.
So that leads me to the other question.
Do you remember that phone call
after all those years that passed,
that went by, the college years,
when I went to Cincinnati and I did,
I was working at the Cincinnati Shakespeare Festival-
Mm-hmm.
One of my friends,
who was a part of the festival with me,
she told me, she's like, "Reggie,
today is Father's Day."
She's like, "You need to call your dad
and wish him a Happy Father's Day."
And my attitude was, "Why should I call him,"
all these years, this, that, and the other.
And she like, "Look, let me tell you somethin'.
Whatever he did or didn't do for you,
that means nothin'
because my dad is six feet under right now."
And she's like,
"I wish that I could even pick up the phone."
And she was like, "Regardless of what,
he's still your dad and he's the reason,
part of the reason why you're here right now."
Mm-hmm.
"Call him and tell him
Happy Father's Day."
It took me everything, if I didn't pick up that phone,
I don't even know if we having this conversation right now.
Probably not, yeah.
Man, I thank God for her.
'Cause she taught me somethin' about life,
she taught me somethin' about myself.
So I picked up that phone, I called you.
And your reaction to hearing my voice, it was like,
'cause you hadn't heard my voice in years.
Yeah. - Like, so much time had,
how did you feel during that, when I called you?
You feel like most, any parent would feel
if you hadn't heard from your child.
His only child at that, you know?
Right. - And it's like,
it's kinda sad, because
you feel like you could've done better.
But sometimes it's the things that go in your life
that you have no control over, you know?
I ain't the type of person that push issues, you know?
- Right, right. - If that's what you wanna do,
then I'm not gonna argue with you.
Right.
I'm not gonna go back and forth with you.
That's what you wanna do. - Right.
If you feel like that's what you need to do,
then, hey, I can't stop you, you know?
Motion at your stick-up cam.
Oh, that's that phone.
If you can get it and put it on silent.
We almost done.
Otherwise it's gonna keep goin'.
Okay.
Cool. We're almost done.
That was in 2003, that phone call.
2003? - Yeah.
That phone call was in 2003.
Do you know what happened on my 25th birthday?
No, what happened on your 25th birthday?
So I get a call from my mom,
and she tells me happy birthday,
but she starts crying.
Why?
That's exactly what...
I'm like, "Why are you crying?"
And she's, I'm like, "It's my birthday.
Everything is good. Why are you crying?"
And she's like, "Son, where we from?"
It's very rare that we see our kids make it to 25.
Motion at your stick-up cam.
Oh, dang.
So, um...
Yeah...
It wasn't like
it was a major thing that happened,
but it was another thing to, that whole thing of,
obviously having both parents present
will kinda like maybe reduce the fact of,
you know, thinking that way.
'Cause you know, like a lot of us,
a lot of my cousins without fathers,
without parents and stuff,
they land the streets and stuff like that.
As far as I was concerned,
that was never one of my concerns,
about you running the streets,
'cause that was not how you brought up, so...
Right, right. Right.
If you would have went in the streets
and started doing that, I'd have been shocked
because that wasn't how you were brought up.
Right.
That wasn't how I was brought up.
And also, you know,
you knew I had a strong mother figure in my life.
Yeah.
And that's another thing
that I respect about you, man.
Like, you acknowledged that she,
regardless of what type of relationship y'all had
or she had with other people, with you, and her mom,
like you knew that she had me, you know-
Covered, yeah. - Exactly.
I could go to bed, sleep easily every night peacefully
because I knew you was in good hand.
I never had to worry about you, you know?
Right.
She had already told me.
I mean, she had her ways about you.
Right, right, right.
You know, as if you was her only one.
And that's how she treated you-
Right.
And like, there will never be anymore for me.
I'm like, come on, man. Give the man a break here.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, man, that's pretty much it.
Is there anything else that you wanna ask me
or you got any questions or anything like that?
I should've been asking you questions
as you were asking me.
But now I got a brain fog.
Of course, it always happens like that.
Oh, yeah. I'm proud of you.
I'm extremely proud of you and what you've become.
'Cause I mean, you could've easily went left.
Right. - You know?
You could have easily went out there and was...
Wait a minute, I mean, Reggie...
And who I think, you know, a while back Randy asked me
where you was at.
I say, "Reggie, out in California."
He said, "Is he coming back?"
I said, "I doubt it."
No, that was Fred. Fred asked me that.
Fred? - Yeah.
Okay.
Yes, I doubt if he ever come back to Belle Glade
to live, you know?
State of Florida to live.
But, yeah, he out there doing what he do.
He doin' well out there.
I told him you was in movies,
starring in movies and all that.
And he was like proud of you.
Right. - Yeah.
That's cool.
Yeah, that's cool.
And part of that reason why, the reason why that is,
is because, you know, obviously that upbringing of my mom
and her having that core on me,
but the years when we started our relationship
from that phone call in 2003,
you know, that allowed me to,
you know, be a little bit more focused.
Because my friend had taught me somethin' that,
she was just like, "Look, man,
I can't call my dad, he's dead."
Yeah.
And sometimes in life, man,
a lot of times in life we don't think about that stuff
until people are gone.
And I don't wanna be that person living in regret,
being like, "I wish would," "I wish I,"
just sit over a simple phone call or a simple, you know?
So I'm really grateful for her.
I'm really grateful for you.
I appreciate, you know, you
and how you come around and opened up
and acknowledged that stuff.
It's very powerful. It really is.
And sometimes, you know...
Reggie, it's okay.
It's okay, man.
It's okay.
You don't got no flamboyant daddy.
I'm just 'ol country bumpkin daddy.
I'm very proud of you.
I mean, I couldn't ask for a better son.
I never went to jailhouse,
never had to come to the school,
you know, never had to have nobody else bring you home.
You know, a lot of people can't,
I know a lot of my classmates
wish they had a son like I had, you know?
I mean, 'cause it ain't bragging when it's true, you know?
Yeah.
But it's okay to let your emotions go.
Yeah, I know.
And, man, I appreciate
you being the way you've been, you know?
It's okay.
I had a friend two days ago, yesterday actually,
he posted something on Instagram
about how his dad has been dead for the past three years.
And it was ironic because I came out here
to have this conversation with you,
and then he said that.
And I told him, I'm like, "Man, look, you stay strong."
Do what your dad told you to do.
"And you got it. Just keep going."
And I appreciated his message,
and it made me realize how blessed
that I still have my dad.
Oh, yeah.
And yeah, man.
And then with this, I guess we can take our first picture.
Mm.
So, thank you.
So I'll go over there
and get our little first picture together.
How you gonna do that?
I mean, I'll do it in the editing.
I'll just come over here and be like right here.
Me and my dad, we got our first picture together.
In what, 40 somethin' years?
40 somethin' years.
It's possible. It's possible.
Keep going. - Love you.
I love you more.
All right. - Love you more.
Can I get a drink now?
Yeah.
Got some pressure cookers
up on them cameras, man.
And like, you know, you weren't even asking
the hard questions.
I mean, you know, I thought that-
My mic off?
Can you tell us your name?
My name is Dr. Jamie Geronimo Vela.
Cool.
So, Jamie, do you have any pictures with your father?
Well, I do have a couple pictures,
but it was my father and my brothers and me.
So it's just-
So I don't have any pictures
with me and him by ourselves.
So that's what we're focused on, just you and-
And my dad.
Yeah, I don't have any pictures with just the two of us.
Is there a reason why or...
Well, it's my perception of what I,
the reason I think it is, is,
you know, my parents were divorced when I was very young,
so he wasn't around much.
So I don't remember that much of a time
where me and him were ever together that much.
And I was always kind of a disappointment to him
compared to my other brothers, because,
I mean, even to this day, I do things my way.
I'm different than my brothers.
They're more sensible, disciplined.
They're just smarter about their choices
than I was back then.
And it doesn't matter what I did.
I was always trying to do stuff to impress him,
but it never really worked.
So he didn't really spend any time with me.
Not like, because my brother tells me stories
when they used to have conversations
and would talk and everything. - Mm-hmm.
I never had that with my dad.
- He never talked to me. - So you think
he was that way with you
because you were different?
Yeah, I was a disappointment to him.
You were a disappointment
because you were different?
'Cause I was different, yes.
Wow.
I wanted to do things differently
than my other brothers.
The only thing that I was good at
was I pursued education, which he was big on education,
but I didn't really do that until later.
But the thing is, is, you know, I get it,
we grew up and he wasn't around much.
Me and him didn't have real connection
because of his disappointment
and in the decisions I would make.
You know, getting into trouble,
you know, just because I had a problem with authority.
I didn't like doing what people told me to do.
And I would get in trouble.
And my other brothers were smart.
They were making the right decisions,
doing the right things sensibly,
career-wise and financially, than I was.
So even at an early age, though,
like, you know, when you're a child,
when you don't know better and you're different,
he still had that insight, that mindset about you.
That's just tough, man.
I'm sorry you had to go through that,
because it's like you're young, you're a kid, you know?
Yeah.
How do you feel about that now?
Well, at the time growing up, back then,
I didn't pay much attention to it.
But later on in life
and then, you know, in present,
presently, it's like I've come to terms with it.
I mean, it's like I used to,
I just know he would not,
even right now, I finished my PhD,
pursuing acting and everything,
I still feel like he would not be proud.
You know, I hate the word proud, to be proud of me,
but I still think he would just think I was a disappointment
and would probably have nothin' to do with me.
Really?
Even with you accomplishing all that stuff?
Yep.
Because I did it, in what would be his mindset,
the wrong way.
Because in his mindset,
it shouldn't have took me this long to do it.
Just like I had this conversation with my brother,
it's like even he,
because he has the mindset my father did,
you know, you graduate right away,
you go to work, you make a career,
make money, and everything.
You set up, you buy a house, you get a family.
I didn't do that. I pursued my dreams.
Right. - What I wanted to do,
which, in their eyes, is not smart.
So I've gone through life with, you know, struggling,
barely getting by, but I was doing what I love to do.
Right.
And I had to point that out to my brother's,
like, "Look, you guys see me as a failure,"
because I'm not making this big money
and everything like they are, and I don't have much,
but I don't need much.
So they have the mindset of my dad,
and that's why he was so connected to them and not me.
Because I wanted to pursue the dreams,
I wanted to do somethin' that I love doing.
Right.
But that's not in the disciplined mindset,
career goals plan.
Right. - You know,
I like to do things differently.
You know, I think outside the box.
I don't follow that discipline trajectory track that...
And granted, I don't blame him for having that mindset.
I mean, he grew up, you know,
having to deal with gangs, right, in southern Texas.
Oh, your dad, was he a part of 'em or?
No, he wasn't a part of 'em,
but he had to deal with them always trying to recruit him,
and him fighting back and saying no.
So he went into the military when he was 17.
He had his mom sign for him, and he got outta there.
So he retired Air Force.
He was a career goal because,
and while he was doing that, he was getting his master's
and he was working on his PhD when he died.
Right.
So at this point, I've said, you know what?
I'm not worried about did I make my parents proud of me,
my brother's proud of me.
It's not about them.
- Right. - I focus on, "You know what?"
"It's me." - Mm-hmm.
- Did I do the right things? - Right.
Am I doing what I love to do and what I want to do? Yes.
I don't make a lot of money, I don't have a lot,
but I don't need a lot.
That's not a priority for me.
Priority for me is to live in every day
doing somethin' that I love to do and making a difference.
What do you think allowed you
to have that insight?
Because that's a great insight to have
granted, you know, what you've gone through,
all that stuff you've gone through,
where does that come from?
After you've been through
all that stuff you've been through,
with your dad and him not approving of you,
even now when you've accomplished
all this stuff that you accomplished,
getting a PhD, that's a hard thing to do.
So where do you get that in you to be like, "You know what?
Regardless of what he thought, would've thought,
regardless of what they think,
I'm still good with what I've done,"
and none of that stuff bothers you,
where does that come from?
It probably came to me because of God.
Mm.
Because God is my father.
Mm.
And that's the way I approach life now.
God is my father.
Yes, he was my biological father,
but the only person that I worry
about doing the right thing for is God.
Right.
And in my mindset, God is okay with what I'm doing
because I feel like I've made a difference
in lots of different areas of life.
Right.
And so God is my father.
And with that perspective,
I don't worry about pride and somebody being proud of me.
That's irrelevant, because I don't have,
I try not to have an ego,
although I think everybody has an ego on something.
Mm-hmm.
But I look at it as being confident in certain things.
But... Right.
You said that those two words,
that's very important in this documentary, pride and ego,
do you think that, within your dad,
that he embodied those words
and that kinda held him back from,
you know, being as he should be with you?
I think that I definitely didn't make him proud.
And I feel like it's his pride
that prevented him from actually,
you know, acknowledging me as doing,
you know, just because he has a mindset
and you're supposed to do it that way-
- Right. - And any other way is wrong.
Right. - You're messin' up.
So I feel like he was not proud of me.
And that pride just,
and the thing is, is now,
you know, he's passed away from cancer,
so I can't even go back and have a conversation with him.
Sorry to hear that. - So to find out,
even though I'm pretty sure he would not be proud of me,
and would probably still not have anything to do with me
to this day, even if he was alive.
Mm. - But you know what?
- I've come to terms with that. - Right.
I'm like, you know, it's okay.
I'm not here to try and impress anybody.
I'm not here to make people proud of me.
I'm here to do what I can in life
and make a difference.
And the only person I look to
that I feel like I want to be worthy of is God.
And He's the only one I focus on,
trying to do the right thing is for Him.
Or, you know, God, spirit.
Awesome. - So
that's what I focus on in what I do.
I commend you for that, man.
'Cause it's very hard to go through that type of childhood
and still have that strength within to continue
and continue to believe what you believe.
Although people, certain people in your past
wanted you to believe other things
and do things as the way they thought it should be,
still finding your own truth, your own self,
that's what matters.
And regardless of what happens,
like you said, you've made amends
and you've done it the way that you wanted to do it
and that's all that matters.
So you keep going with that, man.
That's what I'm trying to do.
Yeah, yeah.
Sometimes, you know, with everything out there,
it's hard for it not to come up.
Right. - You know?
So those feelings will come up
that I'm a big disappointment to him.
Right. - Because he's been dead
for over a decade, but I still,
all of those thoughts will come into my head,
you know, that I'm a big disappointment.
So I've got to constantly tell myself that I am not.
Right, exactly.
Because of God.
So Shannon Johnson.
How you doin' today, sir?
Great, sir. - Awesome.
I'm doing well. - Awesome.
So do you have any pictures with your father?
Unfortunately, no.
No pictures with my father.
Is there a reason why or...
Yeah, the reason, and it goes back,
I didn't grow up with my father.
I didn't know him.
I only heard of him, as strange as that might sound.
But never grew up with him.
I saw him, but he wasn't in my life.
Mm.
Why wasn't he in your life?
Well, I think that story starts
maybe I was six months old,
when my mother separated from my father, or divorced.
Yeah, and I was too young to actually know
who he was at the time.
But I heard a lot about him.
A lot about him.
Right, when you say you heard a lot about him,
it seems like a smile,
you got a little smile on your face.
Can you tell us what's that smile's coming from?
Yeah, I had a father or,
and of course my father has passed the last maybe 10 years.
I heard things about him.
And there wasn't more so good things,
but, as I got older, I would see him.
And seeing him, it wasn't what I really expected.
Yeah, it wasn't what I really expected.
And, you know, my mother didn't speak any negativity
about my father.
But the stories I heard kinda dictated the narrative
of who he was as a man
and where I come from.
Got you.
So there's no childhood memories of him, being with him,
no picture camera, you know, you guys being together,
anything of that sort?
No memories whatsoever.
Now there is one memory,
and I can share this memory with you.
It had somethin' to do with child support.
My mother was telling me some things
that happened at the court,
and my father decided to pay a visit.
And within that visit, this is very interesting.
Within that visit,
he was allowed to take me uptown on the bus.
Mm-hmm.
He took me uptown on the bus.
And I can remember vividly,
I may have been eight years old or so.
We're riding on the bus, he's asking me questions about,
you know, how are you, dah, dah, dah, dah.
You know, he don't know me.
And he says,
"You know you can call me dad, son."
Now, you know I don't know this guy.
And I'm young, trying to understand.
At the same time, I have no negativity,
no negative feelings about him.
But he said, "You can call me dad, son."
And I'm like, "Okay."
And he pulls out this toy that he bought,
and it was this dump truck.
So he didn't know me, he brought a gift,
but I was way too, in age for that.
So that's the only memory that I have being with him.
Other than that, as I got older, I would see him,
and I would see him around town
in some of the most unpleasant places.
Got you.
So you never really had the point to like,
you know, you guys didn't hang out.
It never even got to that point.
'Cause I know, with me, like I hung out with my dad,
but, you know, I would go and visit here and there,
but at the same time, for whatever reason,
we never got a picture together.
Do you think that it's just something
within that male structure?
I mean, it doesn't have to be related towards ethnicity,
but just that male structure in general
that doesn't allow us to open up to something like that or,
what do you think?
Right.
There's a dynamic to it
when you really look at the structure of the family.
I grew up in what they call a matriarchal household,
which has to do with the mother raising the kids.
You have what they call a patriarchal household as well,
which is the father raising the kid.
But my father wasn't there. My mother raised me.
When you look at the family dynamic and structure,
looking at it nowadays,
there's a lot of sons, daughters
and their fathers are absent from their life
because either they don't know who they are,
they're running from their responsibilities.
Second, they have some challenges.
And from this side, or from this vantage point,
I don't know the challenges that, well, I know some of 'em,
but I don't know the challenges that most fathers face.
But with my father, he was an alcoholic.
Mm.
And that pretty much, from my vantage point,
looking at it from the outside,
it pretty much destroyed his life
in terms of, from what I heard, the fighting,
the going to jail, the different kinda things.
And I said within myself,
"Look, I'm not gonna be like that."
You know, those are the memories that I grasp.
That's a good point.
It leads me to one, like final little question.
With doing this documentary, this interview with me,
does it make you wanna kinda, you probably,
I'm pretty sure you already got pictures
with your sons and stuff like that,
but does it open your mind even more to like,
"Man, you know, maybe we gotta capture these memories,"
maybe, you know, talking to other people,
maybe that'll kinda, you know, affect someone else
and be like, "Hey, man, maybe you should," you know?
Yeah.
To your point, yes.
It is so important, you know, as a father, as a husband,
as a friend to just be there with your son.
These are moments you can't get back.
From infant, toddler to a youth, to a young adult,
these are moments you can't get back.
And what I mean by that is, is that there are a lot of men
who think they have time,
"Oh, I can come back and I can step in
to the child's life at any time,"
where what you're doing is you're taking a great risk.
And that risk has to do with you don't know him or her
and you haven't developed a relationship.
So now you become an outsider.
As it relates to taking pictures, I do have pictures,
a lot of pictures with my son
because those was the moments.
You didn't have,
and you wanted to capture with him.
I wanted to capture with him-
Not to speak for you or anything like that,
but I know that that's the type of person you are.
Right. - You know?
I go around and I ask people,
and, you know, a lot of people
that went through situations in life,
and they had with, you know, as them being children,
as them being kids or whatever,
the situations could've been dramatic, traumatic,
whatever they may be.
When they have kids of their own,
they always want to protect the fact
of their kids not going through what they went through.
Right.
So that's why I say that.
Yeah, no, it's one of those things,
as like I said, being a father,
you recognize the unique position that you're in.
Right. - That position is one,
that you're a leader.
They're looking up to you for stability and security.
You have a unprecedented role
or an extraordinary role in their life,
meaning you can't be absent when it comes to your children.
Right.
It means the world to me,
Even when I see my kid taking pictures,
me running in front of the camera or me just touching him,
those things are important.
And I have memories that's etched in time.
And not only that, I have proof, evidence that I was there
because I have photos.
Exactly.
What's up? What's up?
What's your name? - Giovanni.
Giovanni.
No, bro, I appreciate your time.
Of course.
And I know you working right now,
but I really appreciate your time you've taken out
to help with the documentary and everything like that.
So tell us, do you have any pictures with your father?
I do not. I do not.
I do not have, not one single picture.
Is there a reason why?
Or can you elaborate as to why you don't have any?
I would say, just that, as I was born, parents separated.
You know, one went the other way
and then I stayed with my mother of course.
- Right, right, right. - Throughout the year,
it was never really a relationship built between us.
I would say, all the way until I was about 17, I would say,
is when we actually kinda had some bonding time.
Right.
But even then it was no photos,
no pictures or anything like that.
Okay, so it just never came up at all?
No.
Was there like a distance?
Yeah.
So our backstory, there was never
that initial confirmation of father and son.
We knew it, but there was never that connection.
It wasn't until later on.
I mean, we knew it, it just wasn't,
you know, there was never an involvement from his side,
neither from my side.
How do you feel about that?
I would say the absence of him can bring,
I would say it's emotional damage.
I feel that it takes away
from what you should have as growing up, the father figure.
Right.
The parent, you know, the person you can go to as a man.
Mm-hmm.
So, you know, overall, I would say,
just a lot of emotional damage that, you know, kinda,
makes it difficult to even, you know, conversate about,
you know, even having a picture or anything, you know?
Right.
Did you know if your father had a lot of pride,
ego, is that-
I would say he has ego, I would say.
I would say
not necessarily that he,
I think he was more concerned
about making that initial approach.
Mm.
He, in a sense, felt, I would say,
from what I feel from the time I spent with him,
he was concerned about if I would accept him or not.
So what did you feel?
I mean, obviously you're a kid, you're younger.
Did you feel that you should've approached him?
Or did you feel that that's the responsibility
of the parent to do something like that?
I would say, at a young age, it would be more
on the parents, on the father.
Father, yeah.
I would say that, as we grow older,
we need, you know, as young men and women,
we need to take that pride away
even if it puts us in a different situation
or maybe we get that pushback.
Right. - But I would say
it would be beneficial to do the first initial
if it hasn't been done,
'cause you never know what outcome can come about.
I completely agree.
Does it cause you to be different with your kids?
Like, do you take pictures with your kids now because of-
Oh, of course. Of course I do.
To be honest, I never really thought about it.
It wasn't until we had our initial conversation
about your documentary that where I kinda really,
you know, went back and I realized
that I do take pictures with my kids.
Right.
By themselves, or as a group, whatever the case might be.
But it gives me the push to be a better father for them.
Therefore, they can grow up with that,
you know, with a different mindset than myself.
Right.
If you had the opportunity right now
to reach out to your father
and just have a conversation with him,
and kinda like what I did,
to just have some unanswered questions
from your childhood answered, would you do that?
Or how do you feel about that?
Of course I do it in a heartbeat.
I wouldn't even think about it.
Awesome. Awesome.
That's awesome, man. I appreciate you.
I appreciate your time.
And this is somethin' that we're all growing with.
Like I said, like I was telling the other guys,
I appreciate you guys
because it's allowing me to grow even more.
And I've discovered a lot about, you know, that dynamic
between the father and the son
and all that stuff in general,
and why, like, we don't do certain things.
And I'm just starting to find more,
that it is about the pride and the ego.
You know, like when I was talking to my dad,
I told him, I'm like,
"So if I hadn't made that phone call to him
back in Cincinnati," he even said it himself,
then we probably wouldn't be sitting right there
having that conversation, you know?
And all that is, is pride, you know?
That ego, you know?
So is there any message you wanna send
to the people out there, you know,
who may run into this subject or who may see this film?
And, you know, anything you wanna say to them
from your experience?
I would say that there's nothing in life
that should allow you to be separated,
especially if your father, or your parents are still living.
It's not worth delaying the day, a minute, or a second.
Happiness is within itself.
If you can, you know, figure out
whatever disagreements you guys might've had
or maybe just no involvement in itself,
it's worth putting that aside and living,
you know, an extra day with your parents
because you never know what could happen.
It could literally change in a heartbeat.
Within a split second, you know, they could be gone
and the opportunity could be lost forever.
Right.
My opportunity was lost,
but, you know, I'm here with my kids
and I'm ensuring that,
you know, they can have that father figure.
And that's what it's about.
It's about us learning and not continuing that cycle
of, you know, not approaching
or having the pride, having the ego.
That's the cycle that we wanna break.
Because, ultimately, we break that cycle,
it's exactly what you just said,
we can be more free within ourself,
that personal freedom, that growth within ourselves,
to be like, "You know what?
I don't have to, you know, regret because I tried.
I made that attempt."
And if it works out, it works out.
If it doesn't, it doesn't.
At the end of the day,
it's all about making the attempt, trying-
Of course. - Doing your part.
- Appreciate you, brother. - Yeah, of course. Thank you.
Thank you, man.
J.Q.
What's up, big dawg? How you doin'?
I'm doing fine. Thank you, yeah.
Cool, man.
Thanks for being here.
Thanks for, you know, taking your time out
to help me with this.
And like I said before,
I asked you if you had any pictures with your father,
and you told me you didn't.
Can you explain why?
Well, the situation started at a young age.
My mother and him got a little rocky, you know, start.
I'm the last one of the three, first three actually.
Mm-hmm.
At one point, my father was a classic macho Mexican guy.
You know, his background always been,
you know, kinda like rough.
He pushed my mother at one point
to actually abandon, you know, the phone
and asked, in one point, one of my brothers and sisters
go to live with my grandmother
when I go to live with his actually.
You know, even I remember,
one of my relatives mentioned it,
that he attempt to actually even stab her
with a screwdriver.
Wow.
I never got really the complete story, you know.
But knowing him over the years,
kinda like going in that direction.
Growing up with these beautiful people to take care of me.
You know, there was already older,
really older people already, like, say, was my mother aunt.
My mother's grandmother's sister, we can say that, you know?
Right, right, right.
They take care of me growing up.
My father, he was showing once in a great while.
And the sad part is never try to be consistent,
try to be what you're expecting for a father, you know?
And I was asking too much for him.
I was just asking to actually spend some time with him.
And actually I-
So you actually asked him
to spend time with you as a-
I was in that young age when I asked that part, yes.
And he just-
And he was telling me, because his work related
was in a construction, classic,
you know, the Mexican classic job.
Wow. Yeah, yeah.
That brings me to my next question.
So he was working on construction,
so obviously you asked him all the time
to try to spend time with you and whatnot.
He denied you, for whatever reason.
So with that being said,
you guys never even had the opportunity
to take pictures together, right?
Exactly.
So tell us about the part
where you went to the construction site
to take your stepdad somethin' and...
I was around, if I'm not mistaken,
around 12, 13 years old already.
Mm-hmm.
My father, the person that was raising me,
and I called father in that time-
Right, right, right.
He was in charge in a construction site.
And I didn't even know if he actually hired my real father.
Wow.
To work there, 'cause he needs a job too.
I didn't know that part.
Yeah. - Wow.
Without no knowledge.
One of those days, pretty much every day,
I was taking lunch to him because it was a short distance.
- Right, right. - I can walk to the side.
It was, you know, close to our place,
where we was living at that time.
Uh-huh.
And the regular, around 12 o'clock noon,
I was walking over there to the construction site
to bring my father's lunch.
Right.
I get there, and I know exactly the area
where I was supposed to be doing,
because I was doing it before, of course, more than once.
Right.
I was setting up everything on the table,
then he got there, I put on the food, display everything
that he always, you know, he likes.
And he came in that moment when I was almost finished,
and he say to me, "Please, wait a few seconds.
Somebody wanna talk to you."
Mm.
I was like, "Somebody wanna see me?"
I was thinking maybe one of the old guys, you know?
- Right. - In another constructions.
My father's friends, they always like me, you know?
Right, right, right, right.
I was almost complete, finished on the food
and everything for him.
And in the back, I just heard,
you know, the voice of my father.
And he's like, "Hey, your father is here."
And I turned around and I see
my real father, of course.
And he tried to, you know, say something to me,
and I talked to my father,
for some reason already my brain was,
you know, blocking me really quick,
and say, "Wait a minute, this person is not my father."
You are my father.
"And I don't want nothing with this person anymore."
Mm-hmm.
And without giving any explanation on anything,
I just walked away.
And after that, the last time,
I think he resembles to him,
was in a public transportation.
I was around 14, 15 years old.
And I think it was him.
That was the last time I really think I see him.
After that-
No more. - No more.
So, man, thank you for sharing this story, man.
So you guys actually had a opportunity
to talk about the situation.
He saw you, you saw him,
but you guys just went your separate ways.
Yes.
What do you think made you guys not say anything?
Does it have to do with pride? Does it have to do with ego?
Does it have to do with any of that?
To be honest with you,
I can actually tell you that I was a dumb kid in that time.
Dumb teenager. - Yeah.
Like too many at one point.
And you, as a kid, obviously you're a kid,
but what do you think was holding him back
from coming to you to talk to you?
I heard so many rumors about supposed to be,
that was telling him, you know, it was worth it
because he's going to get too much in trouble
with my parents that was taking care of me.
Mm.
And he was afraid supposedly
to have a relationship with me.
Wow. - By that time.
Do you buy that?
To be honest with you, what I can tell you, you know?
Over the years, I just move on pretty much.
Right. - It still hurts.
Because you wanna grow up and say,
"This person helped me," or, "This person do this for me."
Mm-hmm.
I got the old man to take care of me for so many years
and I'm really grateful.
But there's a part of me that's still missing,
that connection and...
Yeah.
It really hurts. Really hurts over the years.
But it's part of life, what we say around, no?
It's something I was never going to get.
Why things happens like that to people like us.
But, yeah, it's been hard.
And I'll be honest with you,
I regret part of that conversation now.
But whatever is done is done.
- Right. - You know? What I can do?
Yeah. - Nothing to fix anything.
I don't know if he's alive.
I'm not gonna lie to you,
the last thing I know, he's still living,
but almost 20 years ago. - Mm-hmm.
I stopped being in relationship with my family
for different reasons. - Mm-hmm.
And I have no clue, no nothing if he's still around.
I know I have half-brothers, half-sisters from his side.
But my biggest, you know, regret
is not having a picture with him.
To actually have a memory at least, you know?
But... Thank you, brother.
Hey, man, appreciate you.
These...
Oh, shit.
These topics are hard, bro.
Believe me, when I sat down with my dad,
I broke down.
But you know what? We got it out.
It was a sense of kinda healing, you know?
But I appreciate you, bro.
Thank you, man.
No, no, thank you.
Sorry... No, no.
You had... Hey, hey.
I'll be honest with you.
I was not expecting it to hit me like this right now.
Not even... I know.
I was nervous to actually,
you know, talk again about this,
you know, after the last time I was telling my wife.
Kinda like it's something was opened again, you know?
Like try to block this for so many years and...
But it's good... Yeah.
to let these feelings and emotions out.
Because the more we block and the more we block,
the more it pins us down.
And you never know how we can explode.
Yeah. - So it's good to have someone
who has a similar story.
So that's why I appreciate you guys
'cause you guys are helping me out.
Yeah. - You know?
Oh, God.
I'm 50 years old...
It is fulfilling to know
that the journey of finding the unanswered questions
about the absence of my father in my childhood
and why we had no pictures together is now complete.
It took the encouraging words of a friend
and the swallowing of my pride
to ultimately lead to those answers.
I embarked on this journey first for myself
and then for the relationship between my father and I.
But through the creation of this documentary,
I encountered so many people with similar stories.
The problem that was consistent
with the majority of these stories
is that pride and ego
blocks us from discovering our ultimate potential
for personal freedom and growth.
Now, if we swallow our pride and set aside our egos,
we then allow ourselves the opportunity to discover
our maximum potential for personal freedom and growth.
Will you be the next to discover yours?
Cool.
Look at T.O.
You crazy.
Look at T.O.
You know, guys, I just signed for $41 million
and, man, it's incredible what happened, what's happened.
I'm the number number one wide receiver in the nation
and no one can beat my record, no one, you guys.
But anyway, it's just a cue.
So tell us your name. Right.
It's a career goal because, and while he was doing that,
he was getting his master's
and he was working on his PhD when he died.
Right.
So at this point, I said, you know what?
I'm not worried about did I make my parents proud of me,
my brothers proud of me.
It's not about them. - Right.
Behind-the-scenes set up.
Camera A.
Another one right here.
How you doin'?
You look just like my little Bella.
You smell Bella on you?
You don't smell Bella on you, huh?
Mm-hmm.
And Bella, she protestin'.