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Tamra is a legend.
Yeah, yeah, she's had two hitless albums back-to-back,
but someone else's take isn't the ticket.
We need hers.
We need someone who can get her to actually open up
and be honest.
Somebody who can get her to say something brutal or cocky,
whatever it actually is.
What does she still want from music?
What does she still think was,
you know, missing from that last project?
The only thing a story about a legend like Tamra Camden is missing
is as much Tamra Camden as possible.
Damn good point, Ariel.
I'd read that.
Thank you.
Uh, I mean, I would love to maybe--
What about Chris Wreath to write it?
I mean, he would be inspired, right?
Yeah, strong agree. I'll send him a note.
Done.
Okay. Good job.
Moving on.
On to the M.O.B.
It's just driving me fucking nuts.
I've been there for three years.
Three years of my life,
and I haven't written a single real story.
- Yes, you have. - No, I haven't.
What are you talking about?
I loved that piece on that, uh... What was it?
Blind martial arts instructor.
- Oh, yeah, okay. - How'd he do that three-finger thing?
- Oh. Like... - It was like...
- Wow, you look cute today. - Stop.
- Okay. - Okay.
This is how I see it.
Step one,
write about famous people
because they're inherently fascinating.
That's where I'm at right now.
- Step two... - "Famous people."
Okay. Step two,
people start to find me fascinating
'cause I'm writing about fascinating people.
And then, three,
take that goodwill and
use it to write whatever the fuck I want.
What's the...
what's the end goal of all that, though?
Like, what's the point?
- Write a book. Like... - Mmm.
Books, plural.
Then, show people that...
I don't know...
that I'm a good fucking writer.
Show them what I... I think
and... and... and feel, love, hate.
But at this rate, I'll be, like, 35
before that ever happens, which is basically 40.
Sorry, no offense.
Whoa, hold up. I'm... I... I'm only 32.
- What the hell? - I'm like... I rounded up.
- That's wack. - That's my fault.
- I... I rounded up. - Okay, also,
is this one of those vents where you just need to vent
or one of the rare vents where you actually want advice?
Wow. Okay.
The former. Right.
Can you pass me the...
I am open.
I will take advice. I'm open.
- For real? - Yeah, for real.
Okay.
Well, with love and compassion,
I don't think anyone gives a fuck about what you feel
or love or hate.
Listen, you're only 27 years old.
You didn't grow up poor or rich.
You have a good job, a perfect bill of health.
No addictions, no enemies.
Hell, you've never let anyone in close enough,
present company included, to actually break your heart.
And your parents are perfect, which is why you always shit on my mom.
No, I always shit on your mom 'cause she's fucking crazy.
Your problem is that you're middle.
Which is okay. Most people are.
But it's experience that gives people perspective,
and it's perspective that gives opinions their value,
and yours is...
it's middle as fuck.
Okay.
This eel is delicious, by the way.
Yeah, it's really good. No, it's really, really good.
Are you okay?
'Cause I could... I could take that back.
The eel is really good.
So...
I mean, now is the time, then.
But why? Why is now the time?
I mean, all the pictures are dropping in.
Like, do you think he had a ton of work done to his face?
Probably, but I'm calling bullshit on the whole thing.
What's up?
There's a rumor flying around that Moretti's back.
Like, "Moretti" Moretti? Oh, shit.
I know. It's a big day for me.
Dina Simone was my first ringtone.
Dina Simone was everyone's first ringtone.
Well, don't be a dick.
Ooh, Stan.
You hear?
Moretti's back.
- Oh, my God. You, too? - I...
Are we done? Huh?
I mean, if social media wants to freak out over every rumor,
so be it, but you guys are supposed to be journalists.
Besides, no one has seen or heard from Moretti
in 30 years.
If there was an album,
I am sure they'd release it the same way he always did.
Uh, his publicist, Soledad Yusef,
would mail in a VHS of him
nonsensically just rattling off Moretti's career highlights
and proclaiming that a new album was on the way.
It was nauseating.
- Look at this. - What's this?
Hello, my loves.
Hello.
Holy shit, that's actually him.
It's been a long time since we've done this dance.
But I think this dance we do is a timeless one. Don't you?
A lot has changed in the last 27 years.
Oh, my God.
Can you believe it's been 27 years?
Look at me.
I'm like a silver fox.
Okay. I'm having too much fun.
Enough about me.
What about him? What about him?
Mr. Glam-boyant himself.
The Velvet Caller. Don Diva.
The Wizard of Wiggle.
The icon responsible for the highest-grossing world tour in history.
The only living artist to secure 38 number one singles.
Yes. Yes.
It is with... Ooh!
Unmitigated joy that I announce to you, my babies,
he's bringing you a gift.
The greatest album of modern times.
Future times, all the times, really.
And, in typical Debutante fashion,
he'll be playing for a select group of people this weekend
before he gives this new blessing unto the world.
And there is more to come.
So much more.
...Alfred Moretti.
Oh, shit.
He's back, my babies.
Ugh. Classic.
Truly a perfect album,
up there with Thriller, Hotel California, Nebraska.
There's a second one.
This is for, uh...
Ariel Ecton.
- Who? - Seriously?
So, what do you think of the news of Moretti
coming out of retirement?
Oh, my gosh, I mean, it feels like a dream,
you know? I used to listen to him all the time as a kid,
and now my kids get their own Moretti album.
And you, sir?
Moretti sleeps 12 hours a day,
and then stands 12 hours a day.
Like, it's a "balance of life" thing.
This is my favorite rumor about this guy.
Somebody's trying to suggest that he bought Freddie Mercury's teeth.
- And he might-- - Today's top story,
Alfred Moretti, arguably the biggest
pop star of the '90s,
has resurfaced after a 30-year hiat...
Smell that desert air.
Oh, yeah, it's amazing.
- Right? Oh. - Hello.
- Hello. Oh, okay. Okay. - Oh.
Ms. Ecton. Mr. Sullivan.
Welcome to Green River, Utah.
It'll be an absolute honor
to spend this weekend with you.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Namaste.
The other guests are waiting just this way.
Please follow me
as we board the infamous Louise.
Holy shit.
Slow Lo.
So, uh, rumor had it that when Moretti toured,
his outfits were so damn heavy that the--
Yeah, they would weigh the bus down, and they would have to,
uh, stop to fuel twice as much 'cause it was so slow and low.
- Hence the name. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I just... I did a little research.
No, that's impressive. That's really impressive.
- Thanks. - Yeah. Nice job, rookie.
Okay.
Well, lookie here.
Hey. Long time, huh?
Hey.
Oh, everybody, uh, meet Ariel.
Some young blood from the magazine tagging along.
- Hi. - This is Clara,
who you know of, I'm sure.
And, of course, Bianca Tyson, the top paparazza in the game.
Stan.
- Clara. Clara. - Stan.
Stan.
I see you, uh,
took a break from being
the most hated sex symbol on TV to join us.
Key words, "sex symbol..."
Thank you... And "TV."
How's print media treating you?
Oh.
Nice to meet you, dear.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm not sure who that is.
That is Emily Katz.
- She's an influencer. - Oh, Lord help us.
Wait, sorry. Is she talking to Bill Lotto?
Oh, I know, right?
You'd think some of the sheen
would wear off after he pivoted to podcasts.
I'm surprised he even came, to be honest.
What do you mean? Why would he miss the event of the century?
They hated each other.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to depart
on our four-hour-and-eight-minute journey.
Please feel free to luxuriate until our arrival.
Thank you.
Oh, my God. Cindy Crawford is such a legend.
She's my favorite of his girlfriends.
Oh, that is sexy.
What are they doing?
Stan, have you been reading this?
Hmm?
Oh, it's from the basket, right?
I haven't. What's the haps?
I mean, the haps are very, uh, specific. They...
Hey, so this is a good time to establish our game plan.
Oh. Yeah.
Okay. Yes, actually.
I was, uh, writing some stuff down earlier.
- Great. - Yeah.
So, you know, obviously,
I'll be the one who writes the review and the piece,
but what I could really use your help with is some note-taking.
Okay. Yeah, um, I... I would...
- You know, I could share--
- Nah, just the note-taking. Anything you see.
Weird books or, uh,
I don't know, orgies, whatever.
Just, uh, write it down,
and I'll give it a look at the end of the weekend. Got it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You know, I'm... I'm really happy for you.
Who are these people?
Moretti diehards.
They've been congregating since the announcement.
I even heard a few have been sleeping in their cars.
All hoping to get a glimpse of him.
Some people really need a hobby.
I love you!
Oh, thanks, honey.
I mean, had to wear the boots, right?
- Right this way. - They look perfect.
- Thanks. - Oh, my goodness.
Welcome.
Before you head to your respective rooms to freshen up,
to ensure the integrity of this event, deposit your cell phones here.
We will return them Sunday after your experience is over.
No problem.
Thank you.
Hey.
Ms. Katz.
Thank you.
This is a gift.
- Oh. - Thank you.
Welcome, Ms. Ecton.
It's beautiful.
- Ariel. - I'm gonna put this by my Emmy.
Okay.
Over the years, my concerts attracted
a, uh, veritable who's who
of the revered and the beatified.
And after every show, it was customary
for me to invite some of them backstage to my green room
to take photos and exchange pleasantries.
And, one night, I had the unbelievable honor
to welcome both Chuck Norris and Muhammad Ali.
And as is always the case
when two alpha males enter the same space,
a competition ensued.
And soon enough, Chuck Norris stood up
and announced that his hands were so fast
that he could chop a mosquito in half.
And just as he had finished that sentence...
Hi-ya!
I looked down at the floor, and sure enough,
there's a mosquito chopped in half.
Ali doesn't skip a beat.
He stands up,
goes to the center of the room,
kind of leans back a bit.
Double-jabs it.
I look down on the floor,
and there is a mosquito
chopped into four tiny bits.
The entire room applauds.
But Chuck Norris, very determined, does not give up.
He reclaims the center of the room.
Locates one, and then...
I look down, and sure enough, there lay a little bloodsucker
cut into six tiny portions.
And Ali, cool as a cucumber, he stands,
scouring the room, locates a mosquito.
Whack.
I look up, and that mosquito is still airborne.
I say, "Ali, champ,
"that mosquito is still flying around."
Ali turns back to me, and he says,
"Yeah, he's still flying around,
"but he'll never have children."
And so,
let me be the first to congratulate all of you
on being the first to hear
my 18th studio album, Caesar's Request.
Let's dine, shall we?
- Hi. It's so nice to finally meet you. - Pleasure.
- It's good to see you. - You, too.
- Alfred. - Young man.
- Mmm. - Pleasure.
I'd like to start off by saying...
- Water under the bridge. - Exactly.
You look good, man.
You look good, too. Not as good as me.
- Oh. - Thanks, Ariel.
Hey. I heard you're from New York City.
- Is that true? - Uh, yes, it is true.
That's so cool.
- Thanks. - I like your hair.
I like your hair, too.
Uh, my name's Ariel.
Nice to meet you, Ariel.
- I'm Maude. - Nice to meet you, Maude.
Would you like to sit with me, Ariel?
Yes.
Yes, I would.
Now a toast, if I may.
Because this, my old friend, does not happen anymore.
This, we have missed, as we have missed you.
Guys, this is my friend Ariel.
We're honored to be here with you.
Hi. How are you? I'm Joel.
- Nice to meet you. - To Alfred.
Alfred.
Hey. First Roll.
First Roll.
Take a bite and pass it across.
There you go.
Whoa. You're like a panther.
Are we gonna get to see you dance this weekend?
Don't fret, my dear. I'm still uncoordinated.
Come on, Clara.
What? Nobody moves like Moretti.
Oh. Thank you.
But it's a pretty one.
Indeed it is.
Yeah. Thought so.
Jorg, right?
Ariel Ecton.
This is amazing.
Um...
Full disclosure, I'm a journalist here,
and we might be writing a piece
just about how amazing all this is,
and, um, I just wanted to get, like, a little bit of background color,
if you're comfortable talking to me a little.
I used to teach music
at Harden High School in Charlotte.
One semester, I picked my favorite musician...
The Wizard of Wiggle himself,
to be the primary focus for the kids.
One day, I'm teaching second period
when I get a phone call
saying that Moretti wanted to meet me.
And at first, I thought it was a prank, you know?
- Mmm. - Of course.
No one had seen Moretti in almost ten years.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
And then...
he got on the phone...
and that voice is...
...unmistakable.
Like, this ain't no prank.
That's the motherfucking Debutante himself.
Wait, so...
Moretti just, like, called you out of the blue?
He told me not to tell anyone.
Did he say what he wanted or... or...
What?
No need. No.
I didn't even tell my job.
No call, no show.
I... I was on a plane the next morning.
And now, I teach music theory to the children.
Like, uh, you know, little Maudey there.
And John here, uh, teaches phys ed,
like, uh, oh, like, uh, track and archery.
"Teach them young, and the world will be yours."
That's from the book, right? The...
the... the blue one that's...
- Meditations of Level. - Yeah.
Is that, um...
Sorry, I don't... I don't know how else to ask that.
Are you...
- you guys... - We're Levelists.
What do you, uh...
What is that, I guess, to you or...
you all?
"The one and only holistic path
"to prevent the obstruction of creativity
"and ensure the protection of those divinely burdened to wield it."
Doesn't "sycophant" have an "O"?
Probably, yeah. Um...
- Hi. - Alfred Moretti.
Ariel Ecton.
Indeed you are.
I was shocked to get the invite,
but I'm truly honored and thrilled
to get to be here this weekend.
I hope so.
Don't forget the "O."
- Right. Yeah. - Rest well.
You, too.
Congratulations, and welcome again
to this once-in-a-lifetime gathering.
For your comfort, we have assigned each of you
a 24-7 concierge.
If there are any accommodations that you may desire,
please do not hesitate to ask them.
None too big, none too small.
Your concierge is here for you.
Holy shit, the Moretti Museum.
I can't believe it's real.
Oh, the kids are doing a puppet show.
I love puppet shows.
This song is titled
Tomorrow, my love.
Please enjoy.
Hmm?
- Ow! - There we go. Go.
Hey, what are you doing?
Go ahead.
What are... No, let go of me!
That's it.
Morning.
Good morning.
Can I get you anything?
No. I was just gonna go for a jog.
I can go for a jog, right?
Morning.
How are you finding everything so far?
Good. Yeah.
How was your morning jog?
It was good.
I, um... I feel bad, though.
My concierge had to jog with me the whole time.
You guys really go above and beyond with the service here.
Oh, that's the only thing you find above and beyond?
The service?
Yeah. Um...
I mean, the song was amazing.
Like, genuinely. It was...
gorgeous and haunting and kind of funny.
Funny? How?
It's just not really how I picture your heart, I guess.
How did you picture my heart?
Um...
I...
Like Teflon,
glitter-glazed and reinforced
with a shit ton of cash and applause.
Pardon my French.
Well, don't stop Frenching
on my account, dear. Sit.
Um...
Really, though, I just...
I found it really impressive.
Thank you.
You're able to sing about all that like it was yesterday, and...
it was really kind of comforting
that you hadn't lost a step.
Thank you. Well, yes, that would be a bummer.
Yeah, that'd be a huge bummer.
Hi, Ariel.
Um...
not to get all Anderson Cooper on you
- first thing in the morning... - Mmm-hmm.
...but, um, this place, this, um...
religion, Level...
...how long ago was it since you founded it?
Oh.
Oh, no. I didn't create it.
You think I wrote all that?
No, I'm just a simple songman.
It existed long before me.
But you are a member?
Yes, I'm very committed to it.
What is it that you guys do?
What do you mean, what do we do?
I mean, all religions do something.
Catholics go to Mass.
They drink the blood of Christ.
Muslims, uh, pray towards Mecca.
You know, they... they do things.
All religions have things that they do together.
Um, then what do you call a group that does nothing together?
Congress.
Actually, you know what?
There... there is...
one thing we... we all do.
Would you like to see?
Yeah.
Sorry about the odor.
I wish that I could say you get used to it,
but you don't.
Now, this believer is engaged
in a process we call Diving.
That's something we're all called to do.
"We all," including yourself?
Absolutely.
So, you eat them?
For necklaces, we source only natural pearls,
so that means we're obligated to open
oyster after oyster after oyster
before we find one with a pearl in it.
Well, in a hundred oysters,
how often do you find a pearl?
Not all that often, but distilling it
into a chore of numbers is beside the point.
Well, what's the point, then?
Oh, damn.
We should probably...
leave him to it, let him concentrate.
Um...
forgive me if I'm missing something, but...
what...
What's the point of that, exactly?
Well, the Meditations of Level
teaches us that the worth of a single pearl
surpasses the value of all empty shells
and that balance, true balance,
exists not in the notion that all things are equal
but in the realization
that all things are not...
equal.
True balance?
Yes.
Like someone who would sleep 12 hours a day
and stay up for 12 hours, for example.
Hmm.
Did you really buy and wear Freddie Mercury's teeth?
Okay.
Hi.
Oh, hello.
It's so great to finally meet you, Ariel.
Uh, it's nice to meet you, too...
Rachel.
- Okay. - Okay, um...
Rachel.
- Rachel, hi. Yeah. - Hi.
What... what is all this?
Here.
Oh, beautiful. Option three,
with the olive foundation, like we talked about last week, okay?
- Okay. - Thank you.
No, I... I got one of these, actually.
Um... just, like, what is this?
Is this, like, the... the spa experience or...
Right. Okay.
We're gonna make you look like the best version of you.
Okay. Um...
What number?
Okay. Two dresses.
Let me ask you this.
Uh...
did you receive a call out of the blue, maybe,
from Moretti a few years ago, and that's what brought you to this place?
I'm sorry, my dear, the schedule.
Let us do what we do,
and I promise you will look and feel
- like a million bucks. - Yeah. Okay.
Mmm. Mmm.
You have Pam Grier's bone structure.
- Okay. - Ooh, truly gorgeous.
Let's not get carried away, now.
Okay.
It's so weird.
You guys do fast work.
It's like, one day you just look in the mirror
and you're both of your parents, you're...
Okay, hon.
So, how's the lady garden?
Um...
What?
Your lady garden.
Your cha-cha.
Your vagina, my dear.
When was the last time you shaved or waxed down there?
Uh, no, yeah, I... I... I figured.
Um...
I don't know.
Uh, I... I... I don't...
I don't know why it's any of your business.
It... it has been a... a minute.
That's good. That's good.
Moretti requires that everyone be unshaven.
But what he actually means is a full, tidy bush,
emphasis on "tidy."
We all do it, even the men.
Does he have plans to... to... to see...
I'm sure he doesn't.
I've worked on The Debutante since before the Cream Crush Tour.
He's had many impressive guests.
Icons, people who had holidays named after them.
Football players, Pulitzer Prize winners.
Everyone with 100% certainty has gone through this process.
Okay, uh, sorry.
So, um, because
some famous, influential people
wanted to... to... to spend time with Moretti,
they let you, or whoever else, um...
shave them down there?
Hey, as Moretti always says,
"No one is more of a star fucker
"than the fucking stars."
I mean, has the man ever told a joke that's actually funny?
- Well... - Hey.
- Wow, honey.
You look gorgeous.
Doesn't she look gorgeous, Stan?
- No objection here. - I mean, you guys look amazing.
I love your hair, Clara.
Well, it's a wig.
Yeah, she knows it's a wig, Stan, you miserable ass.
And they put it on a little bit too tight,
but other than that,
I think it looks fabulous on me.
It does. This is a look.
Um...
Sorry, did... did... did your guys's concierges
stay with you all night?
- Yep. - Yep.
And did they, um...
they shave you down...
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
Okay. Cool.
Fucking Moretti.
Yeah.
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
- Hey.
Ooh. Wow.
- Thank you. - Wow.
- Bianca, look at this look. - This is great.
- Stop. - You look beautiful.
I've never seen you look like this.
All right.
Shall we head to the listening room?
Um... we're down one, though, right?
Oh, yeah. Where is Bill?
Mr. Lotto opted for a longer massage session.
He'll rejoin the group later.
Typical.
- Asshole. - He's so indulgent.
I'll only say this,
humanity has been in debt
ever since we found ourselves on this tiny rock.
Every so often, there is a Michelangelo
who paints a Sistine Chapel
or a Tina Turner who covers Proud Mary,
and humanity chips away at that debt.
Now, I'm not saying this album,
Caesar's Request,
will bring us into the black,
but you can bet your ass it'll bring us closer to it.
Whoo, whoo.
Can we cut the music, please?
Honey, are you all right?
Can we get her some water?
It's probably a peanut allergy.
I swear, that entire generation just woke up one day with a peanut allergy.
It might be the altitude, actually.
Rachel, can we get her an IV drip, maybe?
And also, check with the kind folks in the infirmary.
- Maybe give her a once-over. - Just breathe, Emily.
You're... you're in great hands with... with Rachel.
Don't worry. I've had worse reviews.
Maybe let's all go get some fresh air
and let the music decant a little bit, shall we?
- Sure. - Yeah?
Yeah.
Thank you. I'm honored.
It's just so inspiring.
Hey. You good?
Yeah. I'm just trying to loosen it.
What's crazier,
the fact that Moretti has changed his wardrobe
six times in the last two days...
...or that he's still the best entertainer in the world?
- No, for sure, but-- - Yeah.
This whole thing's a trip, man.
Him, this place, like...
The people here are weirdly talented
and seem mostly happy.
Yeah.
The scars on the hands, though.
I don't know if I love that.
- Huh. I hadn't noticed. - Yeah.
Um, you know Stan pretty well, yeah?
Stan? Yeah.
How apeshit do you think he'd go
if I were to write a secondary piece,
like, on the Levelists?
Here's the thing, Stan is an asshole,
but if you have a real story to tell,
not even he can deny that.
There's something that unites them.
And I... I'm not quite sure how to put it, but they...
they're all very different, but there's something...
It's as if they're all faces of the one.
Mmm-hm.
Well, you know, Level believes
God is a temporary state of being
and that divinity is accessible for all,
but soon fades away.
- Right. - For... for instance,
when I created the bridge
on Live Without Love...
...uh, in that moment, I was a god.
- Capital "G" God. - You were.
But only in the same way the... the person who, uh,
created the horseshoe thousands of years ago was a god.
- That is really fascinating, Alfred. - Mmm.
Do you think that...
that that could be a little bit alienating, though?
Just seeing as most people can't
and won't ever create something
truly perfect in their lifetimes?
Actually, we believe it's the exact opposite.
That anyone can be a god at any moment.
The opportunity is there for everyone,
from the boss to the lowest on the masthead.
Yeah, it makes sense, right?
We are only vessels.
Some of us have the goods, some of us don't.
Thank you so much.
- So, what's the deal? How's the note-taking coming?
- Uh... No, it's good. It's good.
- Okay. - Yeah.
I've been finding a lot of really fascinating stuff.
- Mmm-hmm. - I was thinking, you know,
maybe I could write some sort of secondary...
like, a... a companion piece to yours.
- Secondary piece? - Uh, yeah. Secondary, completely secondary.
Just on the Levelists.
Stan.
Be real with me.
This is a cult.
- Well, yeah. - Or damn well near one.
Like, this is insane.
Yeah. So?
So, I was talking to... to Jorg last night.
- Mmm-hmm.
The backstories on the members...
They're all just so fascinating. I could just do a deep dive--
No, no, no, no. Let me stop you. Stop, stop.
Let me stop you there.
We are publishing one story.
And you're... you're playing
a... a vital role in it.
But, you know, any and everything
that's interesting about this place
will be in my story.
- Okay. - Plus... plus...
the... the... the weird groupies in blue,
the fucking vases,
god damn dancing, none of that matters
because it's about the music.
- That's the story, you know? I mean...
- Oh, my God. Stan. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, somebody help!
- What happened? - Have Charlan rush here.
What happened?
- Now! - Oh, my God. Take it out!
- No! - Oh, my goodness!
- Just breathe, just breathe. - What's going on?
It looks like it only hit his shoulder...
- What the fuck? - ...but still hurry.
Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe.
Don't take it out.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, it's...
I'm so sorry, mister.
It was a mistake with my grip. It slipped.
Oh, my God.
Yes?
Ariel. Come, have a drink.
Ariel.
We were just saying we...
we should call over to your room and invite you over.
- We were just saying that. - And here you are.
There's not a lot left,
but you look like a lightweight, so...
Oh, I remember when I used to look like a lightweight.
Well, we all remember the '80s, Bianca.
- Fuck you. - Okay.
- Fuck you. - To Moretti...
...the best entertainer in the world,
still the greatest of all time.
- No doubt. - Moretti.
Ariel, what's wrong?
Oh, this better not be about the fucking article.
I know that.
Stan, is it possible
that what happened to you wasn't an accident?
- What? - We're here,
in the middle of fucking nowhere.
They took our cell phones. They took our laptops.
We have no way of communicating with the outside world.
They're surveilling us, watching us 24/7.
They're probably fucking listening in to this room somehow.
People are fucking missing.
- Let's not forget about that. - What?
Are you sure you haven't been drinking with us?
Because this is sounding a little crazy.
- Didn't wanna say it. - Sorry.
Something is off.
Is this not alarming to you at all?
Like, is it weird or fucking strange in the least bit?
It's less odd to me that Bill Lotto's pretentious ass
thinks that he's too good to listen to the album with the rest of us
than it is that the Alfred Moretti
did all of this
to steal our cell phones or something. I mean, come on.
I don't know why he fucking did it.
You said that they hated each other.
Oh, yeah, they hate each other over something so silly.
Years ago,
Bill gave an interview
where he sort of made fun of Moretti
for getting his Doberman stuffed after it died.
- Oh, Tucker. - That's right.
That's right. Tucker.
Oh. RIP.
And then, of course, Moretti was shamed a little bit
because everybody thought it was kind of strange,
- because it's kind of strange. - Mmm-hmm.
This just doesn't feel fucking right at all to me.
Okay, and that's why you're the one just taking notes.
- Okay. - Just calm... Hold on.
- What is happening? - I don't know. It's...
The crowd... the crowd is oh so upset.
Upset that I'm not onstage.
Yeah!
The back row is half asleep.
But the front row is ready to rage.
Yeah!
The drummer was an hour late.
He was in the back seat of a groupie's car.
Yeah!
The spotlight just blew out.
But my sarong, it shines from afar.
Yeah!
The price of the ticket was low.
But we're booked for another gig.
The microphone is tiny and cheap.
But it makes my bulge
look big.
Bravo!
Ariel?
I love you all dearly. I hope to see you soon.
- Whoa. - Are you... Are you okay?
Don't touch me. Don't touch me.
What's... what's wrong?
Just, wait a minute.
Let me explain, okay?
- I'm leaving. - Ariel. Ariel.
Ariel!
Ariel.
I need to leave.
Why? What... what happened? What's wrong?
Uh, where's Bill Lotto?
Najee?
I would assume he's getting dressed for dinner.
Wait, did Bill do something to you?
No, just, where is he?
Where's... where's Emily Katz?
I just left her.
She's feeling much better and will join us
at the children's show.
Oh. Okay.
Ariel, you...
Can't you tell me exactly what happened?
You seemed just peachy yesterday.
Um, no, I'm not, uh, explaining anything.
Just, uh, I want to go.
I'm gonna go.
I am going now. I'm leaving.
I'm sorry, but that simply isn't possible right now.
A few of the believers took the Louise into town.
They should be back soon.
Okay, well, what about one of those?
Those will get you ten miles.
You'll have to walk the other 40.
Okay. Well, we have to figure something out, 'cause I gotta go.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
If you're too ungrateful to--
Jorg.
Can't you see she's frightened?
And it's obviously something we did or didn't do,
so I would like to apologize for that and assure you
that we will get you out of here
as soon as we can possibly do so.
Najee, when is the bus returning?
40 minutes, max. I'll call them now.
In the meanwhile, I want you to get a hold of Jeff and deal with the plane.
Get it fueled up.
Make sure it's ready to go
the second we get Ariel
to the airport, okay?
- No argument, top priority. - Yes, sir.
But what about the puppet show?
Well, she... she has to leave,
so she... she'll miss it this time.
But we worked so hard, and you were supposed to sit next to me.
It's not fair.
You know, maybe we can do this.
If Ariel agrees,
the children's building is the closest one to the gate,
and she could stay and watch the show until the bus got here.
If you feel comfortable with that.
I could see the entrance from the building?
Like, I could see it?
Cross my heart, hope to die.
Yeah, fine.
- Yes! - Okay.
Jorg, if you could...
Thank you.
Yeah.
Cute.
All right, children.
Presenting The Tragedy of Billie.
Okay. I'm ready.
Lady Day!
Tell us, has the trauma in your childhood
helped you make such successful music?
Coming from where I'm from, to be where I'm at now,
well, I guess that's a sweet song in itself.
But I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone,
- even for success. - Tell us about prison.
Did you perform any ditties in the slammer?
Well, I'm no saint. You already knew that.
And prison sure ain't full of saints,
but neither is the rest of the world.
Are you still on smack?
I'm very pleased to announce that I'm 100% sober as I stand here
and plan to finish my days exactly that way.
I'm embarrassed and ashamed
of the mistakes I've made in my past
and ask my fans and family to forgive me
as best as they can.
I know I'm certainly trying to.
When did the weight gain start?
How do you feel about McKay blowing your fortune?
Are you flat broke? Reports say you're flat broke.
Billie, when will we hear Strange Fruit again?
Do you think a former prostitute should be a role model?
Billie! Ms. Holiday!
Lady Day!
Something moved. Something moved.
What... what the fuck is that?
- What the fuck? - Oh, my God.
Jesus.
Is... is this some kind of joke?
- What? - Is there some... someone in there?
Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
Em?
- Oh, my God. - Time to go, children.
What the fuck is wrong with her?
Um, I promised I would be an open book,
and welshing ain't cute.
Well done, kids.
Very... very charming.
Uh, so I'll try and explain.
Whatever chemical compound she ingested,
uh...
Sorry, science is a bit of a "blah, blah, blah" to me.
Suffice it to say
that whatever is wet inside her body
is rapidly expanding.
Is... is that more or less accurate?
- More or less. - You see?
Wonders happen when we follow the science.
Wouldn't you say, dear?
Don't... What the fuck are you doing?
- Oh, my God. Don't touch her. - Jesus.
Jesus Christ.
- Jorg, please. - He's fucking insane.
- A towel. - Move.
Move, you motherfuckers!
No! Let me go!
Get off of me!
- Nobody leaves! - I wanna go.
Let me go.
- Stay down. - Okay.
Fuck! Look at that.
I mean, will you look at that?
Why is it that waterproof foundation
is never truly waterproof?
Why?
Great question.
And, you know, I...
I must say something, I'm afraid.
Um...
Many of us here have worked
very hard to make this a once-in-a-lifetime event,
and I find that all of you are being
very, very disruptive.
Excuse... excuse me.
- That's dramatic. - Let me go.
I just wanna go.
Excuse me. That's dramatic.
Now, may we finally begin the Q and A
to discuss Caesar's Request?
Hey, hey, hey!
Sit!
Oh, my God.
Oh!
Jesus Christ.
Shut her up!
- Sit her up. - Intermission is finished.
What the fuck is this?
"What the fuck is this?"
That's what you said? "What the fuck is this?"
So, the first question
of my first interview in 30 years is,
"What the fuck is this?"
You know, I... I think I could do better on my own,
so let's give it a try.
Uh, Mr. Alfred Moretti.
Question mark.
Why did you
name your new album,
like, Caesar's Request?
Thank you for the question.
And thank you, Billie, for the invite.
Well, it's an insane story.
One day, while summering on the Cape,
I was engrossed by an account
of the time that Julius Caesar was kidnapped.
Now, does anyone here happen to know
who kidnapped Julius Caesar?
Pirates.
From the mouths of babes.
You're absolutely right, Ariel Ecton.
Now, let me ask you,
uh, do you happen to know how Julius Caesar responded
once he'd been freed?
He went back with his army.
To do what?
Don't disappoint us, now.
He killed all of his kidnappers.
Um, he crucified them, actually.
Every single one of them.
No hyperbole, no foundational myth
about a man walking on water.
Just simple, actual crucifixion for all of them.
Now tell me, teacher's pet,
on whom I'm about to place a big, big bet...
what's the best part of the story?
Um...
Well, the best part
of the story is that
the pirates who kidnapped the Julius Caesar
thought he was a commoner.
They thought they were his equal.
And because of this misconception,
they asked the same ransom for Julius Caesar
that they would've asked for any Joe Schmo Roman.
And this meant that Caesar was obligated
to demand a raise in his ransom
so that it would be commensurate with his position.
And what does that tell us? Well...
It tells us that royalty,
even when at the mercy of peasants,
is still royalty, doesn't it?
Doesn't it?
Now, what about that story, kids?
And how about that puppet show?
The Tragedy of Billie.
I think that interview went rather well.
- Wonderful, wonderful interview. - No.
Please, please.
- Please let me go. - Stan.
Please. Please.
No, no, please.
I'm sorry.
Please.
Stan. No.
Belle.
Welcome to the Rhinestone Chalet,
Moretti's childhood home turned interactive museum.
Did you know that Alfred's roots come from Peoria, Illinois?
...feel to you until that day.
I mean, until that moment.
Circle back around.
So jealous.
You're still pretty.
...sacrifice of our beautiful creation.
See, we can't, uh, un-paint a canvas
or un-play a chord.
And if a mistake has been made,
either yours or someone else's,
the only way to rectify it
is to make something beautiful.
Now, I've studied at every temple of taste
in the entire world.
I've picked over every reliquary that exists.
But I've never seen anything as beautiful as you pearls.
We don't know what tomorrow will bring.
Maybe we'll all be together...
Listen to me.
When you get to the gate, make a right, okay?
And then, go until you see the light, all right?
But let's hope it's something beautiful.
To our time in the sand.
Push me.
Cheers.
Hey.
Help, help, help!
- Who are you? - I was in the house.
I was there, and people are dead, and we have to go.
- You were in there? - Yes, I was in there.
Holy shit, you're bleeding. Are you hurt?
- Yes, I am hurt! - Is Moretti hurt?
Yes, he's hurt, so we have to go.
- You met Moretti? - We have to leave.
Wait, did he do the wiggle?
I bet he did the wiggle.
Did you hear the new song...
I'm so sorry!
Do you think about why that Levelist helped you escape that night?
Or do you mentally try not to go back to that time?
Maybe a mix of both. I don't know.
I'm... This is, like, my millionth interview this month,
so you have to forgive me.
Book tours are...
Exhausting.
- Yeah, exhausting. - Yes, I'm tired.
So, you know I gotta ask...
Is that how it really happened when you went back to the compound?
It's... it's exactly as I wrote it.
And he was actually just sitting there alone,
still in the white suit, playing the piano?
I do feel like I've said this a million times at this point,
but it was, uh, surreal.
Cops haven't been able to locate a single Levelist body.
They still haven't found the fan who was at the gate.
- Just nothing. - Hmm.
Um, sorry.
- Do you mind if I... - Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Hello? This is Ariel Ecton.
Ariel. Guess who.
It's Soledad Yusef calling from sunny Malibu, California.
And how do you find yourself this Monday morning?
My love? Hello?
- What do you want? - Ooh. Someone's spicy this morning.
But I believe it's more of what you want.
Didn't you send in six interview requests
to sit down with Mr. Moretti for your novel?
Well, you're in luck. Mr. Moretti would like to sit down this evening
at the high-risk state hospital in Reno.
It's like a medieval torture chamber, if you ask me.
Honestly, these states should be tried for the way they treat people.
It's just absolutely abhorrent.
Soledad, you are aware
that your client, Alfred Moretti,
pled guilty to the murder of five innocent people,
tried to kill me, and is suspected
of leading hundreds of Levelists to mass suicide?
He's passionate.
Ciao, my darling. Take care of yourself.
Salutations, as they say.
Oh, heavy.
Shall we get started?
Python.
- Excuse me? - Well, in your novel, you wrote that when...
the first day we met
that I was wearing cream-colored alligator boots,
but in fact, they were smoke-colored python boots.
Now, of course, that's an easy mistake to make for an untrained eye,
but, uh, I would never. It's unimaginable--
In my "novel," you said?
In my 320-page non-fiction text,
your biggest gripe is with the material of your boots?
You know, it's just, a little constructive criticism
never killed anyone, Ariel.
Okay.
Um...
I didn't expect you to be remorseful like a normal person,
but I came here to try to report the truth
so that there's closure for the families and--
And to sell a few more books.
- Well... - Ariel, while you circle around and around
the one question
that you most assuredly came here to ask me... Very quickly...
Primitive man chose their leader
in the same way that animals chose their leader...
uh, brute strength.
Yeah, I... I'm familiar with Darwin's theory.
Uh, what does that have to do with you being a murderer?
Man evolved.
Humanity evolved.
Um, it, uh, created government
and rules and law.
And with those things, then the criteria
for what was needed in a leader changed.
So, it went from this to left brain.
To be president, you have to go to an Ivy League school
and get a little Ivy League law degree
to signal to the rest of us, the peons,
uh, that this is the smart person.
But look at where we are.
Today's world is burning, literally.
Illiteracy is at its highest. We've never been more divided.
We have permanent war, and the list goes on.
So, clearly, the metric, this left-brain metric,
failed miserably.
But there is an answer.
A new evolution.
So, won't be this anymore or this left brain
but this right brain
where the most creative are in charge.
Look, I'm not just gonna sit here and act like I didn't find Stan's old article
where he referred to Tilt as overrated,
Bianca's rather unflattering paparazzi shots.
Not good. Not too pretty.
And let's not forget Clara's digs about your bald head.
And even you can't wiggle your way free
after murdering hundreds of people.
I didn't murder hundreds of people.
You didn't murder Stan Sullivan, Clara Armstrong,
Bianca Tyson, Emily Katz, and Bill Lotto?
Oh, yeah, I murdered them.
You should know your masterpiece, Ariel,
is also the introduction to our story.
No one will condone murder.
But if it's scandalous enough, they'll never stop talking about it.
Besides, you're not gonna stop becoming Catholic
'cause you read a book about the Crusades.
You're serving a life sentence five times over.
Why not just tell us where the bodies are?
Where are the Levelists?
Around.
We're spread out, but still connected to teach the young
and sprout new chapters,
to preserve dying crafts,
to inspire and comfort,
to fan the flames of raw enthusiasm,
to closely monitor those who obstruct the divinely burdened.
Not hiding but waiting.
Waiting to better tomorrow.
So, what was in the champagne glasses, then?
Champagne.
- Okay. - Oh.
With talent comes forgiveness.
The bigger the talent,
the more complete the forgiveness.
Level will grow and grow.
We just, uh...
needed someone to get the ball rolling.
So, um...
Come on. You get it.
So, why me?
Disco.
Two reasons, really.
One for us, one for me.
For us, we felt you were a pure vessel,
completely uncorrupted by success,
uncorrupted by cheap shots for clicks.
For me, while looking through your background,
I read a story you'd written about a school board lady.
- Remember that? - Carol Reggo?
That piece was less than 500 words. It was before I was even at J.
You wrote that her chin was
"delightfully inconspicuous."
And I needed my chin in good hands.
Once in a generation, a tragedy so compelling occurs,
it grabs the entire world's attention.
Most people condemn the horrific events
that took place a few years ago,
while a growing minority sympathize with the guilty party.
After all, Caesar's Request
has sold millions of copies since its release.
But the one thing we can all agree on...
Our next guest is a star.
Her new book was an instant bestseller,
but unless you've been living on Mars, you already know that.
Ms. Ecton, good morning. Congratulations.
I'm so thrilled to be sitting down with you today.
I mean, Our Time in the Sand is such a daring,
beautiful novel.
What does it feel like to have written the book
that everybody's talking about?
Ms. Ecton?