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I'll park it.
Go, break a leg.
Once in a while,
you get to see a legend at the absolute top of their game.
Put your hands together
for the one, the only, Robby Hoffman.
Oh, my life
Is changing every day
In every possible way
And oh my dreams
How's it going, faggots?
Are we doing this shit?
Ugh.
Everyone's a little gay, huh?
Some obviously more than others. It happens.
Fellas.
Cuties.
The fellas are for sure a little gay.
Especially, right? Especially.
Those are your skinny jeans? Especially the fellas.
No, every dude's got a little gay in them.
But they're not allowed to be a little gay like we're allowed to be gay.
And that's fair because we've been on good behavior.
Fellas, you give us a 100 years war-free, we'll talk fucking privileges.
All right. The dudes aren't allowed to be a little gay. All right.
-But, like, are you guys a couple? -Yeah.
Right, like, if he told you, ma'am, that he was a little gay,
you'd be like, what are you, fucking gay?
We don't want to know.
Fellas, you have a gay thought, you keep that shit to yourself.
You keep that shit to yourself.
They're not allowed to be a little gay,
but still, they gotta get the little gay out somehow.
It's still there. It's gonna seep the fuck out.
But they can only get the gay out in the ways that are appropriate.
The ways that are socially acceptable.
Right? That's why they play football.
Even gayer, they watch it.
There's no other way to explain.
A dude will wear a shirt with another man's name on it.
I'm not making this up, but dude will--
Excuse me, he'll go to the store, he'll purchase a shirt.
He'll pay extra to have another man's name embroidered onto the shirt.
I'm making this up.
If another planet landed here, they'd be like,
"Doesn't that sound too obviously gay?"
But no, that's what the fellas here are doing.
And they're not doing this in secret.
They're not doing this in the dead of the night in back alleys.
They're doing this broad daylight, Sunday at noon.
The fellas in this country wake up Sunday at noon with a pep in their step.
Throw on a shirt with another man's name on it.
Run down the stairs hard as a rock, ready to watch this shit.
This is the state.
Every dude's got a little gay in 'em.
Just like every dude's got a little pedophilia in them.
Huh?
That took a fucking turn, didn't it?
That took a motherfucking turn.
Ah, you like 'em young?
Show of hands, who here… who here likes a tight puss?
Show of hands.
What, you like a loose puss? Exactly.
The problem with the fellas is they're never upfront about who they are.
We always have to catch them.
That's why we have the issues.
We have to catch them. They never just tell us.
They never just tell us, like,
"You know, occasionally I suck a dick, and…"
"Every so often I like a teenager."
"Okay, thank you. Thank you for being honest."
"Let's work with-- Let's go from there."
We have to catch them.
They're not mad about who the fuck they are.
Right? Like, at least I'm man enough to say, "You got me. I'm gay."
It is what it is.
You see what's going on with the outfit.
I'm not pulling a fast one on anyone, right?
So who's gonna be man enough tonight?
Who is going to be man enough tonight
for Netflix and the world to admit to me
they like kids?
Who's it gonna be?
Thank you, sir in the baseball cap.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
Give it up for the pedophile in the eighth row. I appreciate that.
I do.
One pedophile down, two to go.
It being LA, could be six.
I don't want to alarm.
By the way, you only got a little bit pedophile.
It's like you're not-- 95% greatest guy in the world.
I don't know, right?
95% could be the greatest guy in the world.
5% jail. That is the makeup of any man.
That is the makeup of a man, right?
95% is a great partner, is a great father.
He's a great contributor. He--
5% "I didn't know how young she was."
My favorite is like, "Well, she was at the club."
She was at the venue.
She was at a location.
This is a defense.
"Well, the club let her…"
"What am I to do as a man? They let the nine-year-old in."
"What am I to do as a man?"
I'm going to go, "You know what? He's got a point."
No, pedophiles get a bad rap.
Oh, I'm not saying I feel bad for them.
I'm not saying I feel bad for them, okay, pedophiles.
Pedophiles get a bad rap. Nobody has nothing good to say about them.
I mean, I'm sure some of them are fine people.
They volunteer. I don't know the community.
Okay?
Nobody has, you know, nothing good to say about pedophiles.
I understand that. I agree with you.
Okay?
Even for the sake of the joke, I was trying to think, like,
"What's even a good thing you could call a pedophile?"
Just as a writing exercise, what's even--
What, like a priest? I don't know. I'm just…
I'm… I'm just spitballing.
I'm just spitballing here, right?
What, like a president? I don't know, right? I was--
I don't know.
Ultimately, nobody has nothing good to say about pedophiles, and I agree.
I agree, but…
…what about all these kids?
Into the pedophiles, huh?
What about all these sicko kids into these fucking grown-ups.
They're getting away scot-free?
Not on my watch.
I had some kid jump up on me last week.
I said, "Get the fuck off of me!"
I don't swing that way.
All I'm saying is, there's two sides to every--
No, I…
But it's tough to hear about all this stuff all the time, you know?
And, you know, like, I've noticed that nobody's ever tried to sex-traffic me,
and I'm trying not to take it so personal.
I'm trying not to take it,
but just the sheer level that you hear of this happening,
just the sheer volume of this operation.
What, nobody wants me on an island?
This does nothing for the billionaires?
I got an enlarged clitoris.
Are you getting this in?
And the hot girls, they get mad. Calm down.
Okay?
Uncross your arms. Calm down. Calm, okay?
I'm not competing.
Okay, the hot girls, they get mad at me, okay?
Okay, they get mad at me.
Calm down. I'm not… I'm not saying I'm your hottest girl on this island.
Okay? I'm not saying I'm your A-tier.
I don't even think I'm your B-level girl on this island.
I'm talking, those girls, they're on break.
Right? They're on break.
Right? That's when you bring this dyke out for a tug.
Is that what the fella's like, or what?
Do I know? Do I know?
Right, a little cinch at the end.
I call that the zip tie. That's a good move.
No, I give a hand job like a Bop It.
Remember?
The Bop It.
Squeeze it, pull it, bop it.
The fellas love that. I'm telling you right now.
Don't I know it? The fellas love--
If there's one thing I know about the fellas, they love spontaneity.
The Bop It is for you.
I'm telling you now.
Any couples together a long time?
Any coup-- Right? Right?
You gotta keep it spicy.
You-- The Bop It is for you. I'm telling you.
I am telling you.
Right? You get home from the show tonight, you… you dust off the old handy,
he'll never know what hit him.
Right? You're going in on him, you're going in on him,
he's about to come, he's about to come.
"No, you don't." Bop it!
"The fuck you are."
I'm telling you, ladies, this is the move.
I'm here to help. This is the move.
You know, it works. I… I see Mormons sometimes, right? I go--
Right, Mormons, it's good for them too, right?
They can't do nothing.
Right? You hit them with the bop it, "Gonna come, gonna come."
"No, you don't. The fuck back in there."
"Jesus didn't see shit."
Nothing happened.
For the closeted gay…
Guys, how are you gonna be gay if you didn't come?
Make it make sense.
Nothing happened.
But for me, it's like any issue you pluck, it's the worst thing.
So it doesn't matter, like, you know, like sex traffic,
I never even heard about it till two years.
You know, I didn't even know that was a kind of traffic.
Like, to me, I'm still stuck on traffic traffic,
you know what I mean?
I'm still like, that's a major problem, like, right?
Like, I don't… I can't be splitting my attention right now.
We haven't handled the first type of traffic.
I'm at… I'm at a point, and that's what I did in LA,
I'm at a point, and we know this in LA,
I'm at a point,
and I'm talking standstill,
when I'm in gridlock traffic like only we know.
Right, when I'm in gridlock traffic,
I'm gonna need a pileup at the end of that.
Yeah!
That's where I'm at emotionally speaking.
Right, like, if you're gonna add 27 minutes.
You're gonna add 27 minutes to my route,
I better see a dead child flung from the windshield
Ideally, the ambulance has already arrived at the scene.
You better give me someone to look at when I fucking pull through.
This is Hollywood, baby. Paint me a picture.
If there is a God, and if there is a God…
just when I'm… just when I'm pulling through,
just as I'm getting through the bottleneck,
the child is pronounced dead at the scene.
Let's end properly.
The child's pronounced-- This is-- Twenty-eight minutes? Dead twins.
The price goes up, bitch.
This is America. Nothing is free.
I want to get their paint, and say, I want them doing "Clear."
Right, they never do "Clear" anymore. What happened to fucking "Clear"?
"Clear, we don't know, clear."
Bring fucking "Clear" back.
Now we just let people die.
Not even clearing people anymore.
It's just, it's all like, it's all like so bad, like all the issues.
Like, okay, is this like a, is this like a pro-choice type crowd?
Uh-oh.
It ain't right.
I don't know.
It ain't right.
We know it ain't right.
No, I'm kidding. Dykes, we sat out on this shit, didn't we?
We said, "Straights, this one's on you."
"If you're making kids, you're breeding, come on."
"Can't you figure out your own shit once in a while?"
We're a small community.
We're a small community because every time I like dip into the straight world,
I'm like, "They're still on that?!"
Like, we've had progress. I got married. They're still on this?
Fuck, I guess they do need help. Like, time to get a dyke on the case.
Fee-fi-fo-fum, here I fucking come.
Because I was like feeling bad.
I was like, "Well, Rob, just 'cause something doesn't affect you,
doesn't mean you shouldn't know about it."
Right, like, do you guys agree it's important to be informed
about the issues?
Right? Like, it's important to be informed about the issues, right?
So I thought, "All right, let me look this shit up."
"What is abortion?"
Let's see what these straights are even crying about.
I decided to get home, look this shit up, ask Jeeves, what is…
…abortion?
What is it?
We can discuss this tonight. What is abortion?
You know, I'm a firm believer comedy should keep it light.
People know this about me.
Okay, let's just keep it light, right?
Let's just discuss this tonight. What is abortion?
Let's not ruffle any feathers, okay?
We can discuss it tonight. What is abortion?
It's… killing a baby.
And that's okay.
So perfect, it's killing a baby, and that's okay.
Some people get stuck on that already.
They don't know if it's a baby or not, and I'm not an economist, so I don't know.
You know, I've been wrong before.
Could be a cantaloupe. I feel like it's gonna be a baby.
And we're killing that baby, and that's okay.
In fact, I give a mother till ten…
…to kill her baby.
What I realized is the straights, this is why they can't figure nothing out.
It takes forever.
They're thinking about-- They don't know how to think about their issues.
They're going about it wrong, right?
They're focused on the wrong things. They get stuck in the weeds.
The fine print.
Right? They're debating stupid shit like "At 16 weeks, is it developed?"
"At 20 weeks, is it developed?"
"Is a five-year-old developed?"
No, that's why I give till ten, just in case.
A bitch can clock her nine-year-old
in the head.
I don't say shit.
Because did you see how he was talking to her?
Exactly, turn around, mind your business, there's an abortion happening…
…over here.
People can be so rude.
Can't you give the woman some privacy?
It's a difficult decision to abort a nine-year-old. My God.
Have some compassion.
No, the straights, they can't solve nothing
because they don't know how to think about their issues.
They don't know how to go about their issues, right?
They're debating things like,
"Four months, late-term abortion, nine months…"
Nine months?
I'm thinking the future.
Society at large.
We raise the age of abortion till ten.
We got a lot of well-fucking-behaved kids on our hands that way.
A lot of made beds in the morning.
A lot of help bringing the groceries into the car.
Let's make kids worth saving.
How's that for an idea?
Late-late-stage abortion. Who's with me?
So weird. Like, everything's kind of, like, flipped now.
Like…
Straight people fighting for the right not to have a baby, and…
I hate gay people with kids.
I don't know.
Gay people having kids?
What are we doing?
That was the whole point.
How do you ruin being gay?
That was the one thing we got. That was the one silver lining.
We signed that deal, right?
In the 80s, our forefathers, they went out.
They were like, "Be gay, get fucked, get AIDS. No kids."
"We signed that deal."
People died for these rights.
It's not just that gay people are having kids.
It's that they want their own biological kids.
Right? I know fags and dykes getting together
and mixing their shit up.
"God doesn't like us. We're gonna be God."
What is going on?
Right? Like… like, we forget.
Like, we had an understanding with society.
We forget we had an understanding with society.
Right? At some point, society let us be gay.
Fantastic. Thank you so much.
At some point, society was like, "You get to be gay,
but… but you got to adopt all these loose fucking kids."
That was the pitch.
That was the whole idea.
It was like making lemonade out of lemons.
It was natural. It was organic.
It's like, "We can't have kids. They can't have parents."
"Let's fucking go."
Right? Like, obviously, people would still think it's weird we're gay.
Right? So people would still be like, "It's kinda weird that they're gay,
but at least they're cleaning up all these fucking loosies."
Who just wants loose kids running around?
You ever in a parking lot, somebody's kid, I'm like, "Whose fucking kid is this?"
Because as a kid, I remember being… sad.
I was like…
"What if I grow up and I'm still gay?"
It wasn't looking good.
In the mirror in my brother Menachem's pants,
"But they look so sick though."
"Oh yeah, I might have to take these. This shit's mine now."
But I was sad. I remember being a kid, and I was sad.
I was like, "What if you grow up and you're still gay?"
And you want a family, you want kids.
I was too young to decide. I came from such a large family.
I was like, "What if you want a family, you want kids?"
And then I remember being, like, relieved.
I was like, "Oh yeah."
"I actually heard about this."
"I actually think I just heard about this."
If you grow up and you're gay, you want a family, you want kids,
at some point, they'll throw you, like, a 9-year-old.
"This is Tony. Look at that."
"Wow, isn't that fantastic?"
"He's got all his shots. He's moving ready. I love that."
He's potty-trained.
Turnkey Tony, that's just terrific.
"What a cutie, what a cutie."
And if, like, a few years later, your wife wanted another kid or whatever,
they give you like a 15-year-old.
Of course, he's got severe anger management issues,
as you can imagine.
Twice the size of me. I could die at any moment.
But this is Tony and Miguel.
These are my sons.
Right? That's what the gay American family was supposed to be.
That's what the gay American family was supposed to look like.
A dyke and her sons.
Never mind I got the Menendez brothers.
I could die at any…
You know I'm going to raise men out of these boys.
I got Rogan playing all day.
No pussy shit…
…in this house.
Right? And the fags, the fags,
they're going to adopt all the loose little girls.
Right? All the girls go to the gay dads.
Right? These girls are fucking decked.
You've never seen hotter girls…
…in your life, right?
Girls' prom comes around,
gay daddy's making the dress him-fucking-self.
Other gay daddy's at the florist.
He's stressed.
"The corsage better match perfect."
You've never seen hotter girls
than the girls who walk out of the house with the two gay dads.
Yeah.
Dykes, we were gonna raise men
out of these boys.
And the fags, they're gonna raise women
out of these girls.
So while you're all raising your they, thems,
whatever the fuck you've done with your own kids,
we're gonna raise men and women once again.
Don't… don't even worry about it.
These gays will straighten this whole mess out.
Don't you even.
My parents were straight.
For shame.
They let me leave the house looking like this.
Call CPS.
Terrible with these straight parents making gays and theys and queers.
This is terrible.
Sick people.
You know, it's okay. I grew up really bad. I grew up really bad.
I'm starting to realize the extent
of how, you know, bad I grew up in many ways.
Right? Like, you ever realize
you grow up poor 'cause you like a hard towel?
This is the shit now, right?
Like, I'm starting to be friends with richer people now.
I went to somebody's house. They have a pool.
And they gave me a towel.
First of all, I brought my own towel. I was like…
…embarrassed. I was like, "Okay, they got the towels."
It's poor to bring your own towel. Who--
Nobody else but me showed up with a fucking towel.
I had a whole bag.
And she gives me the towel, and it's like fluffy.
Right? And I tried to use the towel,
and I was like, "I feel like I'm still wet." Like…
Am I… Am I supposed to dry the towel? Is the towel drying me?
Like, what's the process on the fluffy towel?
And she goes, "Oh, we just got new towels."
I was like, "New towels?"
Like, to me, new and towel.
Like, to me, seeing "new" and "towel" together,
like, I can't even…
Like, they're selling these?
To me, a towel is, like, built with the house, like…
Like, to me, a towel… a towel is like ovaries.
Like, whatever fucking towels you're born with
is the fucking towels you die with.
People will season a skillet.
I season a fucking towel.
It's like the same with, like, a pillow.
Like, unless a pillow is 30 years old, I can't get no sleep.
Unless a pillow is eggshell yellow…
…I'm not getting no Zs.
To me, a pillow ages like a tree.
Each ring.
Each ring, right?
The darker the yellow ring, I'm like, "Oh, yeah, that was, like, '04."
No, Britney was healthy back then.
This was a good time.
It's, like, so bad.
Like, I'm coming up in the weird, like…
Gay people having kids.
Straight people… straight people not having kids.
They're getting dogs.
Is it just me, or has the dog population bloomed?
Right? There's a lot of dogs.
It's… it's a less safe place. There's a lot of dogs.
There's a lot of dogs, right?
People worried about AI. I'm still on dogs.
I think the dogs came up with the fucking AI as a red herring.
to distract us.
Acting dumb and shit.
I'm on to them.
Right, because pit bulls are legal here. People have pit bulls?
Yeah!
Sick.
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. My only thing with the pit bull, really…
No, I'll move on,
but my only thing with the pit bull was always, like, it's always the first time.
Right? You notice this? Like, it's always… it's always the first time.
Right? The dog never attacked nobody before.
They're racking their brain. They can't imagine what happened.
It's the first time, right?
We left the dog with the niece. The cutest thing.
You got to see them playing together. It's the cutest thing.
The niece, she's sticking stickers into its face.
It's having the time of its life.
They're best friends.
Sometimes we put the niece down for a nap.
The dog is in the crib with her. It's the cutest thing.
Two peas in a pod.
Come to find out a week later, the dog mauls the girl to fucking death.
They don't know.
They don't know what happened.
They're racking their brain, but "It's never happened before."
"It's the first time."
And you're going, "I know."
Right, because we must have compassion for the pit bull people.
Pit bull people, we must have compassion.
We take for granted that we know up is up and down is down.
but the pit bull people live in another world.
We take for granted the sky is blue, up is up, down is down.
They're racking their brain.
"It never happened before. It's the first time."
And you as a non-pit bull person are going,
"I know. That's how everything ever has ever worked."
"Stuff doesn't happen and then it happens."
"Now that you know this very simple pattern of life,
you're going to see it a lot more."
"You will notice it."
And when something like this happens,
when such a tragedy happens, who do we blame?
Whose fault is it, right?
Not the dog.
A dog is always great.
A dog is good.
Pit bull, greatest dog on the planet.
A friendlier breed, I do not know.
A dog is great.
When something like this happens, whose fault is it?
Yes, the owner.
Of course it's the owner. It's the person, right?
It's like guns.
I'm pro-gun, obviously.
I think… I think… I think it's pretty obvious tonight
where this is going.
I'm pro-gun, obviously.
A gun on the floor. There it is. Look at that. That's beautiful.
It's when people get near the guns, right?
It's like, A gun on the floor, what is that, brass?
Look at that craftsmanship. That's fantastic.
Alec Baldwin near the gun, now I'm concerned.
Never been about the gun.
It's just, it's all getting worse.
It's all getting worse.
And I don't want to blame the gays here at this point in my set.
Okay?
But gay guys, they had that…
Remember they had that "It Gets Better" campaign?
You can understand why they didn't come to the dykes.
They didn't come to lesbians for the positivity campaign, right?
We would have been like, "It Gets Worse," right? Like, they would…
Like, they had Lance Bass telling kids in Arkansas
to come out of the closet.
A dyke would have been like, "Whoa, back!"
Whoa, Nelly.
"Actually, what you're gonna wanna do is get some canned goods."
"You're gonna wanna hunker down,
get your provisions together,
and you peak out every four or five years."
"You're definitely gonna wanna get some canned goods."
"It gets much worse."
"In fact, this is actually good."
"Like, this is actually…"
They didn't go to us for the… for the pride,
you know, for the festivities.
Because gay men, they're a fun people.
Did anybody go to Pride, people do Pride?
Proud of what?
No, I'm serious, guys. Proud of what?
Gay and ashamed to the day I fucking die.
Get in the house. Shut the blinds.
Right? I understand why they went to gay guys.
Like, gay guys are a fun people.
Right? They're a fun people.
Like, as a lesbian, I think I'm funny. I'm not fun.
Right? Like, we understand that. I'm funny. I'm not fun.
Right? Like, I don't play games.
I'm not gonna be able to make your board game evening.
I'm in no mood to be spooked.
I'm not into any type of trickery.
Whatever fucking pranks you're all laughing at.
Okay, I don't even watch a horror movie.
Okay, I find life thrilling enough.
I watch… I watch a horror movie like Helen Keller,
my eyes and ears closed.
There's nothing offensive about how she wa--
That's biology. That's how Helen watches a movie.
If Helen were here tonight, she'd feel seen, so…
Of course, she could… she could only feel seen.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a… It's a difficult concept to articulate.
The gay guys, they're, like, a fun people.
Like, you ever been to a gay dude's house for dinner?
Like, you ever been to a gay dude's house?
Right, there's always, like, a signature cocktail.
There's always like a theme. It's always like the 1920s.
Which as a Jew, I'm like, "Could we not be?"
In the 1920s, all the Jews have to go enjoy the cocktail upstairs in the attic.
Ooh!
But you can't deny what they've done with the place.
What is this, West Elm? This is just beautiful.
Love their rugs.
You ever been to a lesbian's house?
This is a serious affair.
Take your shoes off!
Shut up and pay attention!
Today we're talking about colonialism.
Pride to everyone.
You can understand why the banks went a different route.
They went a different direction on the festivities.
Oh, but now everybody's queer.
It's fantastic. It's just wonderful.
Just wonderful.
You get to be queer, you get to be…
Everybody gets to be queer.
It's fantastic, right?
I met a girl like this, queer, sure, why not?
Ah, here with a boyfriend, queer, who cares?
I somehow got to 30,
never happened with a girl, but feel something…
…inside queer.
Like I'm not on the front fucking lines.
Knee-deep in pussy.
You're gonna tell me you're queer?
Fuck outta here.
Do you know…
Do you know what it's like?
Do you know what it's like to go down on another girl?
I can't breathe.
Suffocating under the covers 'cause my girl's cold.
This fucker knows.
Scissor me, bro.
You're gonna tell me you're queer?
It's always like, "Well, we kissed at camp."
We French… We French kissed at camp.
The summer kind for any elderly Jews here. I…
…apologize.
We had a little French kiss at camp.
Oh, you had a little tongue tie at camp?
You ever have squirt in your face?
I lost vision in an eye for a week.
You're gonna tell me you're queer? Fuck outta here.
They're like, "Well, we also… We pushed our beds together."
"We were so scared at night in the dark at camp."
"We pushed our beds together. So scary, the crickets."
"And sometimes to help me fall asleep, sometimes she would tickle my arm."
"She tickled your arm? You ever have blood on your arm?"
Clotty fucking blood too.
Blue and shit.
Snotty-ass placenta fucking blood.
That's not blood from a cut.
That's pussy blood.
It's like…
It's like… It's like…
You're in the headquarters, right?
You have, like, an office job or a bullpen, maybe, like, a window.
Right? And I'm out in the fucking field.
Dodging squirt bombs and all kinds.
How many sets of sheets do you have?
I got 19 sets of sheets.
It's just, it's too many sets of sheets for a person my age.
I got 19. Full set, top, bottom, 19 sets of sheets.
Straight men don't have a single pair.
They just unfurl a roll of paper towel.
Overhead lighting, let's get it done.
Now somebody asked me if I'm trans.
Just casual.
I thought they were asking directions, so I was like, "Uh, I don't know."
Like, this is just like, "How's the weather now?"
Just ask me if I'm trans.
I'm already looking. I'm like, "I don't even know where we…"
The way they asked is just so casual.
Am I trans?
And I was like, "I don't know. Something's off."
Your guess is as good as mine.
Does this look normal to you?
Does this look okay?
You've seen women. You know 'em. You love 'em.
Obviously something has gone awry.
She had me thinking about it. I'm like,
"Am I?"
And then I realized, "Oh my God, I'm not. Thank God."
I'm not in the mood for all of that.
Where I grew up, I don't need another thing.
Thank you.
I realize I'm not, so the only way I can-- Like, it was like, "Oh my God, I'm not."
The only way I realized I'm not trans 'cause I'm not… into crypto.
It's the only way I could know for sure.
Right? 'Cause I was like,
"If I was trans, I mean, I'm a boy inside, I would understand crypto immediately."
"I don't know fuck about crypto."
Which for those who are unfamiliar, uh,
crypto is the male equivalent of astrology.
It's a…
…a lot
to do with minerals and the earth and numerology.
Um, but it's a lot funner than astrology
because you could also lose your house doing it.
So that's really fun.
That's really fun to lose everything. That's just fantastic.
Any, uh, any they, thems here?
That fizzled out, huh?
That fizzled out.
Right? Last year, there would have been a whole bunch.
All right, have you noticed this? They're walking that back now.
Some of them, they're walking it back.
And I'll say this, if you ever went by they, them,
you should not be able to go back.
No backsies, you plural bitch.
No backsies.
After all that.
My friend… my friend came up to me.
She said, "Oh yeah, I'm not really doing that anymore."
She'd been doing they, them for six years. "I'm not really doing that anymore."
I'm like, "Oh yes you are."
"Oh yes you fucking are."
After all that?
There was six of you.
You made everyone, everyone change their shit for you.
And you're gonna walk it back now?
There was six of you. You wrote me into it.
Right, your life was good and you were rich,
and you went to Wesleyan.
You needed a problem, and you fucking took me with you.
I used to just walk into a room, be able to be who the fuck I wanted to be.
Now I walk in, they go, "What are your pronouns?"
I'm like, "I don't fucking know."
"Obviously something is off."
So help me God, if a Brooklyn bitch with a boyfriend is walking that back now.
Not on my fucking watch.
You made your bed.
You will die… You will die a plural bitch, so help me God.
Your tombstone will read, "They died here."
So help me God.
You're left with me, the last she, her on the motherfucking planet.
Fellas, get a good look.
Any, uh…
Any bisexuals here?
Okay.
They wait every day to be asked that question.
Let me rephrase, let me rephrase. Any bisexual men here?
Woo!
No.
Bisexual men, I don't think so.
Bi-- No means no. That's a no.
Bisexual men, no.
Even if you are a bisexual man, leave women alone.
They don't want you.
Show of hands ladies, who here wants a bisexual man?
Thank you.
The jury has spoken.
Thank you.
How are you gonna be something now
where half of the thing that you need to be the thing
doesn't want you?
Just a faggot like the rest of us. I'll see you at Pride.
Trying to get out of that shit.
Get your sunscreen out.
I'll see you at Pride.
You don't think women have enough problems?
You don't think women go through enough?
Do you know the risk a woman takes dating a man?
He could kill her. She could get raped. He could snap at any fucking moment.
You think she needs your gay ass bringing home AIDS?
I don't think so.
It's gonna be a no for me, dog.
It's okay to laugh at that.
It's going to be a no for me, dog.
It is sad that you guys laughed at that.
I just said it, but you guys actually think it's funny.
That's the problem. No, that is the problem.
I do this to expose. I'm telling you.
Anybody, uh, here have a dick?
See…
No, you guys, I'm trying to be friendlier.
See this-- No, hold on, hold on.
People are afraid to participate.
Don't be scared. You know, I'm approachable, right?
Everybody knows this, I'm opposite Ellen. We all know this about me.
No, everybody knows this. Nothing to be afraid of, okay?
I'm opposite Ellen.
You know how Ellen purports to be kind and nice?
She's dancing.
But she's actually a terror to work with.
You guys have heard that. She's a terror to work with, right?
Well, I came out a little aggressive.
I'm a little rough around the edges.
But I'm actually a fucking delight to work with.
Okay.
They'll print that one day.
One day it'll come out I'm kind.
You wait and see.
That's it. Anybody here have a… have a dick?
You like your dick?
Fantastic.
You… you caress it? You take care of it?
Right? He's a responsible individual. I like that.
Responsible man.
Let me ask you this.
If…
If something were to happen to your dick,
how would you feel?
Speechless. Bereft. I understand.
So safe to say you love your dick?
I do.
Yeah, safe to say… safe to say you love dick.
All it takes is one.
You're fucking gay and it makes me sick.
I don't like no dick, mine or otherwise.
Yet, I gotta be gay. No, you're fucking gay.
Happy Pride to you, faggot.
Everybody's coming out tonight.
Do we have any… any straight girls here?
Any straight girls?
So brave. Thank you for coming forward.
No, you're all perfect the way you are.
Thank you.
You know, I think we need the straight girl march next year.
I believe this.
Last marginalized people on the planet, right
You better believe that's a march I go to.
Call me a fucking ally at this shit.
A dyke march? I'm not going to that.
Ew, this reeks. Reeks, pee-ew.
No, straight girls it's hard.
Like, any… any single straight girls here?
Any losers? No, it happens.
It happens. No, it happens.
It happens. It happens.
'Cause the problem is straight girls, you know, they have to,
last time I checked, they're dating men.
Right? Of course, I've been wrong about this before.
My wife was the Bachelorette,
and she had 25 boyfriends three years ago.
I have been wrong about that.
For the most part, straight girls, they're dating men.
And that's hard because men aren't what they used to be.
Right? We now have 37-year-old men.
We now have 37-year-old men saying, "That's so sick. That's fire."
That's where we're at as a society.
That's where we're at.
You say, "That's sick. That's fire." You make me fucking sick.
My friend Carmen, he called me.
He's like, "Hey Rob, why didn't you come to my birthday party?"
I was like, "Huh?"
He's like, "Yeah, I sent you the Partiful."
I said, 'Carm, how old are you turning?"
And he said, "39."
I said, "39?!"
No, I don't go to a 39-year-old grown man's birthday party.
What, are you fucking gay?
Birthday parties are for women and children.
What are we doing?
What am I getting there and we're playing "Duck, duck, goose"?
What the fuck is going on?
But it's hard for women. It's hard for everyone to date.
And I realize that part of the problem is we've overcomplicated everything.
Overcomplicated, right? We have so many apps and so many…
And I'm like, "Let's just bring it back to basics."
I came up with an equation, just a simple--
I'm still working out the math, but I came up with a simple theory.
You know, listen, it doesn't matter who you're dating, what your sexuality is,
it's for everyone.
I'm for the people. You understand this.
I look out for everyone.
Simple equation.
Forget the apps, forget everything. All you need to-- Okay.
All you need-- Let me-- Oh yeah.
Per every relationship. Okay, let's start there.
Right. Per… This is all you need.
Per every relationship,
all you need is one hot…
…one smart.
How you divvy it up, I don't give a fuck.
We're used to seeing a classic example of that
in this country, right?
Typically, we see, like, an older, smart dude
with a young, hot thing.
That's a beautiful sight.
That is evergreen.
That is an American classic.
That is here to stay.
It's like slipping into a pair of Calvins.
They just fit.
It's a beautiful sight.
But you ever see… You ever see the opposite?
You ever see, like, a pretty boy?
Like an Abercrombie type
with, like, a bookish, glasses-wearing type of girl?
That shit can work too.
A Walk to Remember, was that a fucking movie?
Was that a fucking movie?
One hot, one smart.
How you divvy it up, I don't give a fuck.
People think in my own relationship, they think Gabby is 100% the hot circle.
Right? But… but, I happen to be a bit of a cutie.
It is what it is.
So I'm giving 10%.
Okay? I… I'm earning my keep. I'm contributing.
She's still got 90. Calm down. People get mad.
She's still got 90, but I'm earning my keep.
And then for some reason, people assume that I'm 100% the smart circle.
They forget Gabby was an ICU nurse for eight and a half fucking years.
She's practically a doctor in this country.
We split the smart circle 50-50.
One hot, one smart.
How you divvy it, I don't give a fuck.
Figure out your ratios, what you have, and what you fucking need.
You guys are doing the ratios, so your ratios are off.
You ever see two hots together?
Hollywood, it's a fucking disaster.
Right? It doesn't matter how many times J-Lo and Ben fucking try,
and they're gearing up to go again,
it'll never happen.
You're missing an entire circle.
You ever see two smarts together?
That's two uggos. That's a hazard on the road.
Guys, come on. Be responsible.
You want to be the traffic jam I was referring to? Come on.
Come on. Use the math response.
No, the truth is Gab is the most beautiful woman inside and out.
We all agree.
But…
She did something rather disgusting.
It happens. It happens. It happens.
Right? I don't even know really where to…
I'll just say what happened.
Start there, right?
You guys have been wonderful to me. Let me just tell…
Okay.
I'm stalling. Okay.
Okay, I caught her removing-- Okay, yeah.
I-- Just say what happened, Rob.
Okay, I caught her removing the bathroom trash can from the bathroom.
Okay, so we already--
It's already in the title there, right?
The bath-- So I caught her removing the bathroom trash can from the bathroom.
Right? That's where it lives. That's its habitat.
Right? You can't just throw that into the wild of the rest of the house.
It's not domesticated.
Right? So I said, "What's going on?"
And she said so casual, just in her cute Gab, just…
Just so cute. She was just so cute.
She was like, "Oh, I'm just going to…"
I can barely even say it.
She just said, like, so casually.
She was just like, "Oh, I'm just going to clip my toenails."
Which one of you sick animals here tonight
clips your toenails on your living room couch?
Confess. Confess.
That's a sick bitch right there.
That is a sick bitch right there.
Always the hottest ones are sickest.
I guarantee when they paint over your apartment,
when they paint over your place,
when you move, and they paint over your place,
they'll have to paint over anywhere between five to seven crescents…
…of your fucking toenail that have lodged themselves
so deep into your living room, a vacuum could never go.
And she goes, "It's okay. I catch 'em all."
She goes, "It's okay. I catch 'em all in here."
Huh?
Everybody knows a toenail goes wherever the fuck a toenail wants to go.
We have no jurisdiction as mere laymen
as to the trajectory of a fucking toenail.
That's why like a normal person,
you get in the bathroom, you lock the door.
You cut your shit and pray you don't go blind.
Chas v'shalom.
God forbid I should get thirsty while she's doing this shit.
And I gotta walk through the living room to the kitchen to grab a glass of water,
but to be hit in the eye…
…by one of her rogue nails.
Between the squirt and that, I'm lucky to be alive.
Thank God I wear glasses.
And look, it's okay.
Maybe she didn't learn. Look.
No, maybe she didn't learn.
You know, school I don't think is a place.
I never learned anything in school about how to lead a decent life.
You know, I learned nothing about financial or tax planning,
any domesticity, how to keep a home, so now we gotta figure shit out.
Right?
And I do believe though,
there's a lesson in everything, big or small.
Lesson in everything, big or small. Even the bathroom trash can.
Maybe she didn't know, right?
There's only one way to do the bathroom trash can, for instance.
Okay, there's only one way to do the bathroom trash can.
That is… open concept.
Waste paper basket. Don't overthink it.
Right? But some of you thought you'd get fancy going through the Target,
splurge $24.99 USD on the kick lid.
And you regret the day you were ever fucking born.
Because the kick lid in a small--
The kick lid is better suited for the larger kitchen size
where you have that type of clearance.
Is that nice?
In the small… In the cramped bathroom and a small size
with the lid and the spine and the heaviness and the pedal,
you're asking too much of its little body.
You're asking too much of its little body.
All right, how the physics work?
How are you even going to kick that from your toilet, huh?
Gotta throw out your fucking hip?
Right? Now you're gonna kick this shit too hard.
You broke this shit.
Haven't had it ten days. You broke this shit.
And you're left doing what?
The… The lift and tuck.
The worst feeling a person can ever know.
And he knows it well. He knows it well.
Every time you lift and tuck into the ether
of whatever the fuck you have in your trash can,
you wanna fucking die.
And still you don't take your trash out.
But some of you don't have the commitment it takes for a bathroom trash can.
Some of you don't have the commitment for a bathroom trash can
to empty it regularly.
Some of you will get home after tonight's show
and you'll wipe your ass and dangle it onto a mountain you fucking created.
Trying to dangle it onto a slippery bottle of Pantene Pro-V,
which is too fucking big to throw out there to begin with.
And still you don't take your trash out 'cause you wanna fucking die.
Some of you don't have the commitment it takes
to maintain a bathroom trash can, take it out regularly.
Yet you ask me why the fuck you're still single?
If you can't commit to a bathroom trash can,
how you gonna commit to a bitch, faggot?
You can't even take the trash out
for your girl,
yet you want to ask me how I got the final fucking rose.
Wake up.
So it's like, it is okay that your men are weak.
For me, how I grew up. No, it's okay that your men are weak
and your women are disgusting.
Because I grew up in such a house.
I grew up in such a house.
I grew up without a father,
and my mother is the most disgusting woman in America.
I wish it wasn't so.
I had to find this out recently. It's terrible.
My little sister got married in Vancouver.
Mazel Tov, mazel Tov.
And we just went out there, we went out there for the wedding.
And a few days before the wedding, we did a cute, like, a girls dinner.
Right? Like just me, we went out a few days before,
just me, my four sisters, and my mother, no guys allowed, right?
I also have five brothers.
Yeah, my mother has an enormous vagina as you can imagine.
That's where I get mine from. I'm very blessed.
Thank you, sir, I do just fine.
I appreciate that.
And we get to this chain restaurant. The dinner is off to a terrible start.
Okay, my little sister, she gets back from the bathroom.
She's pissed off.
There was piss all over the seat. She had to squat.
Disgusting. I was like,
"Well I don't have the leg muscles to squat."
"So what I do when there's piss all over the seat, the public bathroom, is
I gotta wipe it down.
I work there now.
Then I cover it, like,
two, three times due to my faith.
And then I relieve myself.
And it kind of ends up turning into, like, a fun little game, like,
going around the table with me and my sisters.
Like, "Hey, what do you do when there's piss all over the seat?"
"Do you squat like her, or do you wipe it down like me?"
And we get to my mother, and she'd rather not share.
She's shy about this shit.
And I'm like, "Come on, Ma, we're having girl talk."
I check her.
"Come on, Ma, this is the share circle."
"Ma, what do you do when there's piss all over the seat?"
"Do you squat like her, or do you wipe it down like me?"
And she goes, "Oh, okay."
"I guess I sort of just lift the seat and sit there."
She sits on the bowl.
She raw dogs the bowl.
You ever accidentally sit on the bowl? You're like, "I have AIDS." It's like--
Even if that's what this bitch does,
she just heard the two only acceptable options.
You'd think she'd pick one and use it going forward.
She's like, "No, I am the most disgusting woman in America."
"And what I left out was I lick it first just to make sure it's clean."
I am Robby Hoffman.
My…
Thank you so…
…so much, LA.
I knew I was saving something special for you.
Thank you.
I'm Robby Hoffman. Follow me on everything. My God.
The picture still so fresh in my head
I was sleeping With the sun on my chest
Reckless summers When the time wouldn't pass
I couldn't care less Until I got your text
So I could run to you
Sun on my head and you knew
That I was coming for you