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Downloaded from
YTS.LT

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[car engine revving]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

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[man] I'll park it.

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Go, break a leg.

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[car door closes]

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["Dreams" by The Cranberries playing]

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[emcee] Once in a while,

9
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you get to see a legend
at the absolute top of their game.

10
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Put your hands together

11
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for the one, the only, Robby Hoffman.

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-♪ Oh, my life ♪
-[audience cheering]

13
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♪ Is changing every day ♪

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♪ In every possible way ♪

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♪ And oh my dreams ♪

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[music fades]

17
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How's it going, faggots?

18
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[audience exclaims]

19
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Are we doing this shit?

20
00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,815
Are we doing this shit?

21
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[audience applauding, cheering]

22
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Ugh.

23
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[scattered laughter]

24
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Everyone's a little gay, huh?

25
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[audience laughing]

26
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Some obviously more than others.
It happens.

27
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Fellas.

28
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[audience laughing]

29
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Cuties.

30
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[audience laughing]

31
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The fellas are for sure a little gay.

32
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Especially, right? Especially.

33
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[audience laughing]

34
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Those are your skinny jeans?
Especially the fellas.

35
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No, every dude's got a little gay in them.

36
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[audience laughing]

37
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But they're not allowed to be a little gay
like we're allowed to be gay.

38
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And that's fair
because we've been on good behavior.

39
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-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

40
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Fellas, you give us a 100 years war-free,
we'll talk fucking privileges.

41
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[audience laughing]

42
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All right. The dudes aren't allowed
to be a little gay. All right.

43
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-But, like, are you guys a couple?
-Yeah.

44
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Right, like, if he told you, ma'am,
that he was a little gay,

45
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you'd be like, what are you, fucking gay?

46
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We don't want to know.

47
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Fellas, you have a gay thought,
you keep that shit to yourself.

48
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You keep that shit to yourself.

49
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[audience laughing]

50
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They're not allowed to be a little gay,

51
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but still,
they gotta get the little gay out somehow.

52
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It's still there.
It's gonna seep the fuck out.

53
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But they can only get the gay out
in the ways that are appropriate.

54
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The ways that are socially acceptable.

55
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Right? That's why they play football.

56
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-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

57
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Even gayer, they watch it.

58
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There's no other way to explain.

59
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A dude will wear a shirt
with another man's name on it.

60
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I'm not making this up, but dude will--

61
00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:58,553
[audience laughing]

62
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Excuse me, he'll go to the store,
he'll purchase a shirt.

63
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He'll pay extra to have another man's name
embroidered onto the shirt.

64
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[audience applauding, laughing]

65
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I'm making this up.

66
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If another planet landed here,
they'd be like,

67
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"Doesn't that sound too obviously gay?"

68
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[audience laughing]

69
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But no,
that's what the fellas here are doing.

70
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[audience laughing]

71
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And they're not doing this in secret.

72
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They're not doing this
in the dead of the night in back alleys.

73
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They're doing this broad daylight,
Sunday at noon.

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[audience laughing]

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The fellas in this country wake up
Sunday at noon with a pep in their step.

76
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[audience laughing]

77
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Throw on a shirt
with another man's name on it.

78
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Run down the stairs hard as a rock,
ready to watch this shit.

79
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[audience applauding, cheering]

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This is the state.

81
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Every dude's got a little gay in 'em.

82
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Just like every dude's got
a little pedophilia in them.

83
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Huh?

84
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That took a fucking turn, didn't it?

85
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That took a motherfucking turn.

86
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Ah, you like 'em young?

87
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Show of hands,
who here… who here likes a tight puss?

88
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Show of hands.

89
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What, you like a loose puss? Exactly.

90
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,771
[audience laughing]

91
00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:40,154
The problem with the fellas is
they're never upfront about who they are.

92
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We always have to catch them.

93
00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:42,949
[audience laughing]

94
00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:44,200
That's why we have the issues.

95
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We have to catch them.
They never just tell us.

96
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They never just tell us, like,

97
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"You know,
occasionally I suck a dick, and…"

98
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:53,042
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

99
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,003
"Every so often I like a teenager."

100
00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:58,506
"Okay, thank you.
Thank you for being honest."

101
00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:00,967
"Let's work with-- Let's go from there."

102
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,593
[audience laughing]

103
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:03,720
We have to catch them.

104
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,764
They're not mad
about who the fuck they are.

105
00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:09,892
Right? Like, at least I'm man enough
to say, "You got me. I'm gay."

106
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,227
[audience laughing]

107
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,186
It is what it is.

108
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You see what's going on with the outfit.

109
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I'm not pulling a fast one
on anyone, right?

110
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,653
So who's gonna be man enough tonight?

111
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:23,698
[audience laughing]

112
00:05:26,909 --> 00:05:31,164
Who is going to be man enough tonight

113
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for Netflix and the world to admit to me

114
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they like kids?

115
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Who's it gonna be?

116
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,754
Who's it gonna be?

117
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:40,214
Thank you, sir in the baseball cap.

118
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:42,133
I appreciate that. Thank you.

119
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Give it up for the pedophile
in the eighth row. I appreciate that.

120
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:46,429
I do.

121
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,058
One pedophile down, two to go.

122
00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:53,519
It being LA, could be six.

123
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:54,729
I don't want to alarm.

124
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,773
-[audience laughing]
-I don't want to alarm.

125
00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:03,446
By the way,
you only got a little bit pedophile.

126
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:07,408
It's like you're not--
95% greatest guy in the world.

127
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I don't know, right?

128
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,745
95% could be
the greatest guy in the world.

129
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:14,665
5% jail. That is the makeup of any man.

130
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That is the makeup of a man, right?

131
00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:20,463
95% is a great partner, is a great father.

132
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,465
He's a great contributor. He--

133
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:25,218
5% "I didn't know how young she was."

134
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:27,637
[audience laughing]

135
00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:32,016
My favorite is like,
"Well, she was at the club."

136
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,393
[audience laughing]

137
00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:35,103
She was at the venue.

138
00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,688
She was at a location.

139
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,774
This is a defense.

140
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:42,985
"Well, the club let her…"

141
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,863
"What am I to do as a man?
They let the nine-year-old in."

142
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,991
"What am I to do as a man?"

143
00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:52,912
I'm going to go,
"You know what? He's got a point."

144
00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:54,997
[audience laughing]

145
00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:56,624
[sighs]

146
00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:00,211
No, pedophiles get a bad rap. [laughs]

147
00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:02,213
[audience laughing]

148
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,511
Oh, I'm not saying I feel bad for them.

149
00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:11,222
I'm not saying
I feel bad for them, okay, pedophiles.

150
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:14,642
Pedophiles get a bad rap.
Nobody has nothing good to say about them.

151
00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:16,769
I mean,
I'm sure some of them are fine people.

152
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,313
They volunteer.
I don't know the community.

153
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,315
[audience laughing]

154
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,316
Okay?

155
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:26,863
Nobody has, you know,
nothing good to say about pedophiles.

156
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,365
I understand that. I agree with you.

157
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Okay?

158
00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:33,578
Even for the sake of the joke,
I was trying to think, like,

159
00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:36,414
"What's even a good thing
you could call a pedophile?"

160
00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:39,000
Just as a writing exercise, what's even--

161
00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:40,960
What, like a priest?
I don't know. I'm just…

162
00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:42,920
-[chuckles]
-[audience applauding, laughing]

163
00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:46,340
I'm… I'm just spitballing.

164
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,093
I'm just spitballing here, right?

165
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,762
What, like a president?
I don't know, right? I was--

166
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,014
I don't know.

167
00:07:53,097 --> 00:07:53,931
[audience cheering]

168
00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:55,099
I don't know.

169
00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:56,893
I don't know.

170
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:03,733
Ultimately, nobody has nothing good
to say about pedophiles, and I agree.

171
00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:06,652
I agree, but…

172
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:11,199
[smacks lips]

173
00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:13,951
…what about all these kids?

174
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:16,162
[audience laughing]

175
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:20,833
Into the pedophiles, huh?

176
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,546
[audience laughing]

177
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:32,345
What about all these sicko kids
into these fucking grown-ups.

178
00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:34,972
They're getting away scot-free?

179
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:36,766
Not on my watch.

180
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,769
I had some kid jump up on me last week.

181
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:42,063
I said, "Get the fuck off of me!"

182
00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:44,106
[audience laughing]

183
00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,528
I don't swing that way.

184
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:52,532
All I'm saying is,
there's two sides to every--

185
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:53,658
No, I…

186
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:55,368
[audience laughing]

187
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:59,163
[audience applauding]

188
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:04,502
But it's tough to hear about all this
stuff all the time, you know?

189
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,548
And, you know, like, I've noticed that
nobody's ever tried to sex-traffic me,

190
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:13,594
and I'm trying not to take it so personal.

191
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:14,845
[audience laughing]

192
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,013
I'm trying not to take it,

193
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:19,934
but just the sheer level
that you hear of this happening,

194
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:24,021
just the sheer volume of this operation.

195
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:26,440
What, nobody wants me on an island?

196
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,067
[audience laughing]

197
00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:34,365
This does nothing for the billionaires?

198
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:36,617
I got an enlarged clitoris.

199
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,160
Are you getting this in?

200
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,746
Are you getting this in?

201
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:42,623
[audience laughing]

202
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,378
And the hot girls, they get mad.
Calm down.

203
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,005
Okay?

204
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,382
Uncross your arms. Calm down. Calm, okay?

205
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,175
I'm not competing.

206
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:55,845
Okay, the hot girls,
they get mad at me, okay?

207
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:56,929
Okay, they get mad at me.

208
00:09:57,013 --> 00:10:00,933
Calm down. I'm not… I'm not saying
I'm your hottest girl on this island.

209
00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:03,644
Okay? I'm not saying I'm your A-tier.

210
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:07,607
I don't even think I'm your B-level girl
on this island.

211
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,817
I'm talking,
those girls, they're on break.

212
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:12,320
Right? They're on break.

213
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,281
Right? That's when you bring this dyke out
for a tug.

214
00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:18,409
Is that what the fella's like, or what?

215
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,494
Do I know? Do I know?

216
00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,371
Right, a little cinch at the end.

217
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,042
I call that the zip tie. That's a good
move.

218
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,960
[audience laughing]

219
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:30,880
No, I give a hand job like a Bop It.

220
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,173
[laughs] Remember?

221
00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:33,090
The Bop It.

222
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,302
Squeeze it, pull it, bop it.

223
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,262
[audience laughing]

224
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:41,641
The fellas love that.
I'm telling you right now.

225
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:44,060
Don't I know it? The fellas love--

226
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:48,230
If there's one thing I know
about the fellas, they love spontaneity.

227
00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:50,858
The Bop It is for you.

228
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:52,568
I'm telling you now.

229
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,154
Any couples together a long time?

230
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,531
Any coup-- Right? Right?

231
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,033
You gotta keep it spicy.

232
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:03,079
You-- The Bop It is for you.
I'm telling you.

233
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,414
I am telling you.

234
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:09,210
Right? You get home from the show tonight,
you… you dust off the old handy,

235
00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:10,878
he'll never know what hit him.

236
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,839
Right? You're going in on him,
you're going in on him,

237
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,758
he's about to come, he's about to come.

238
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:17,134
"No, you don't." Bop it!

239
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:19,095
"The fuck you are."

240
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,013
[audience applauding]

241
00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:24,141
"The fuck you are."

242
00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:26,227
[audience laughing]

243
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,355
I'm telling you, ladies, this is the move.

244
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,941
I'm here to help. This is the move.

245
00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:36,320
You know, it works.
I… I see Mormons sometimes, right? I go--

246
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,155
Right, Mormons,
it's good for them too, right?

247
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,949
They can't do nothing.

248
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,410
Right? You hit them with the bop it,
"Gonna come, gonna come."

249
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:44,704
"No, you don't. The fuck back in there."

250
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,872
"Jesus didn't see shit."

251
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:49,458
Nothing happened.

252
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,918
[audience applauding, cheering]

253
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,378
For the closeted gay…

254
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:55,798
Guys, how are you gonna be gay
if you didn't come?

255
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,383
Make it make sense.

256
00:11:58,175 --> 00:11:59,969
Nothing happened.

257
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,389
Nothing happened.

258
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,852
But for me, it's like any issue you pluck,
it's the worst thing.

259
00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:10,146
So it doesn't matter,
like, you know, like sex traffic,

260
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,022
I never even heard about it
till two years.

261
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,233
You know, I didn't even know
that was a kind of traffic.

262
00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:16,610
Like, to me,
I'm still stuck on traffic traffic,

263
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:17,820
you know what I mean?

264
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:21,115
I'm still like,
that's a major problem, like, right?

265
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:25,119
Like, I don't… I can't be splitting
my attention right now.

266
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:27,747
We haven't handled
the first type of traffic.

267
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,376
I'm at… I'm at a point,
and that's what I did in LA,

268
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,795
I'm at a point, and we know this in LA,

269
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:35,963
I'm at a point,

270
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:38,632
and I'm talking standstill,

271
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:43,345
when I'm in gridlock traffic
like only we know.

272
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:46,474
Right, when I'm in gridlock traffic,

273
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:49,727
I'm gonna need a pileup
at the end of that.

274
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:51,812
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-[woman] Yeah!

275
00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:56,025
That's where I'm at emotionally speaking.

276
00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,696
Right, like,
if you're gonna add 27 minutes.

277
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,157
[audience laughing]

278
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,411
You're gonna add 27 minutes to my route,

279
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:13,459
I better see a dead child flung
from the windshield

280
00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:17,797
Ideally, the ambulance has already arrived
at the scene.

281
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:23,302
You better give me someone to look at
when I fucking pull through.

282
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:26,305
This is Hollywood, baby.
Paint me a picture.

283
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:28,349
[audience laughing]

284
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:34,438
If there is a God,
and if there is a God… [laughs]

285
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,941
just when I'm…
just when I'm pulling through,

286
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:40,194
just as I'm getting through
the bottleneck,

287
00:13:40,277 --> 00:13:43,155
the child is pronounced dead at the scene.

288
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:46,325
[audience laughing]

289
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,994
Let's end properly.

290
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,499
The child's pronounced-- This is--
Twenty-eight minutes? Dead twins.

291
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,000
The price goes up, bitch.

292
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,711
This is America. Nothing is free.

293
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:58,963
[audience laughing]

294
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:02,341
I want to get their paint, and say,
I want them doing "Clear."

295
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:06,846
Right, they never do "Clear" anymore.
What happened to fucking "Clear"?

296
00:14:08,597 --> 00:14:10,599
"Clear, we don't know, clear."

297
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,852
[audience laughing]

298
00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:14,687
Bring fucking "Clear" back.

299
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:16,689
Now we just let people die.

300
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:18,691
Not even clearing people anymore.

301
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:25,072
It's just, it's all like,
it's all like so bad, like all the issues.

302
00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:32,037
Like, okay, is this like a,
is this like a pro-choice type crowd?

303
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,708
-[exhales]
-[audience applauding, cheering]

304
00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:37,001
Uh-oh. [laughs]

305
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:38,878
[audience laughing]

306
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:40,963
It ain't right.

307
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:43,966
[laughs] I don't know.

308
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:45,593
It ain't right.

309
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:46,969
[audience laughing]

310
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,224
We know it ain't right.

311
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:56,437
No, I'm kidding.
Dykes, we sat out on this shit, didn't we?

312
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,564
We said, "Straights, this one's on you."

313
00:14:58,647 --> 00:15:00,566
"If you're making kids,
you're breeding, come on."

314
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:03,360
"Can't you figure out your own shit
once in a while?"

315
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,696
We're a small community.

316
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:09,867
We're a small community because every time
I like dip into the straight world,

317
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:11,827
I'm like, "They're still on that?!"

318
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,913
[audience laughing]

319
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:17,833
Like, we've had progress. I got married.
They're still on this?

320
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:22,880
Fuck, I guess they do need help.
Like, time to get a dyke on the case.

321
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:26,175
Fee-fi-fo-fum, here I fucking come.

322
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:30,679
[audience cheering]

323
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,681
Because I was like feeling bad.

324
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:36,977
I was like, "Well, Rob, just 'cause
something doesn't affect you,

325
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:40,022
doesn't mean you shouldn't know about it."

326
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:43,400
Right, like, do you guys agree
it's important to be informed

327
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:44,985
about the issues?

328
00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:49,281
Right? Like, it's important to be informed
about the issues, right?

329
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:51,867
So I thought,
"All right, let me look this shit up."

330
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,160
"What is abortion?"

331
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:57,414
[audience laughing]

332
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:02,670
Let's see what these straights
are even crying about.

333
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,338
[audience laughing]

334
00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:08,550
I decided to get home, look this shit up,
ask Jeeves, what is…

335
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,010
[audience laughing]

336
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:11,095
…abortion?

337
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,556
What is it?

338
00:16:15,265 --> 00:16:17,267
We can discuss this tonight.
What is abortion?

339
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:20,145
You know, I'm a firm believer
comedy should keep it light.

340
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:21,563
People know this about me.

341
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:22,773
[audience laughing]

342
00:16:22,856 --> 00:16:25,275
Okay, let's just keep it light, right?

343
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:28,112
Let's just discuss this tonight.
What is abortion?

344
00:16:28,195 --> 00:16:31,115
Let's not ruffle any feathers, okay?

345
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:35,285
We can discuss it tonight.
What is abortion?

346
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:40,874
It's… killing a baby. [chuckles]

347
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:42,751
[audience laughing]

348
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,425
And that's okay.

349
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:52,386
[audience laughing]

350
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:56,473
So perfect,
it's killing a baby, and that's okay.

351
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,143
Some people get stuck on that already.

352
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:02,479
They don't know if it's a baby or not,
and I'm not an economist, so I don't know.

353
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,565
You know, I've been wrong before.

354
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:07,568
Could be a cantaloupe.
I feel like it's gonna be a baby.

355
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:11,780
And we're killing that baby,
and that's okay.

356
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,452
In fact, I give a mother till ten…

357
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:19,663
[audience laughing]

358
00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:21,498
…to kill her baby.

359
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,919
What I realized is the straights,
this is why they can't figure nothing out.

360
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:26,879
It takes forever.

361
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:30,424
They're thinking about-- They don't know
how to think about their issues.

362
00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:32,092
They're going about it wrong, right?

363
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:35,179
They're focused on the wrong things.
They get stuck in the weeds.

364
00:17:35,262 --> 00:17:36,513
The fine print.

365
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:42,895
Right? They're debating stupid shit like
"At 16 weeks, is it developed?"

366
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:47,691
"At 20 weeks, is it developed?"

367
00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:51,236
"Is a five-year-old developed?"

368
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,572
[audience laughing]

369
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:58,285
No, that's why I give till ten,
just in case.

370
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,162
[audience laughing]

371
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:03,916
A bitch can clock her nine-year-old

372
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:07,127
in the head.

373
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:09,379
I don't say shit.

374
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,423
[audience laughing]

375
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:14,218
Because did you see
how he was talking to her?

376
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:19,473
Exactly, turn around, mind your business,
there's an abortion happening…

377
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:20,933
[audience laughing]

378
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:22,059
…over here.

379
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,063
People can be so rude.

380
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,315
[audience laughing]

381
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:29,983
Can't you give the woman some privacy?

382
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:33,570
It's a difficult decision
to abort a nine-year-old. My God.

383
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:36,615
Have some compassion.

384
00:18:38,325 --> 00:18:39,993
No, the straights,
they can't solve nothing

385
00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,454
because they don't know
how to think about their issues.

386
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,832
They don't know
how to go about their issues, right?

387
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:46,792
They're debating things like,

388
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:51,004
"Four months, late-term abortion,
nine months…"

389
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,798
Nine months?

390
00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:54,466
I'm thinking the future.

391
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,803
Society at large.

392
00:18:57,886 --> 00:19:00,264
We raise the age of abortion till ten.

393
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:02,015
[audience laughing]

394
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:08,605
We got a lot of well-fucking-behaved kids
on our hands that way.

395
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:12,317
[audience applauding]

396
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:16,363
A lot of made beds in the morning.

397
00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:21,118
A lot of help
bringing the groceries into the car.

398
00:19:22,369 --> 00:19:23,996
Let's make kids worth saving.

399
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:26,874
How's that for an idea?

400
00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:29,209
Late-late-stage abortion. Who's with me?

401
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,712
-[laughs]
-[audience applauding, cheering]

402
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,884
So weird. Like,
everything's kind of, like, flipped now.

403
00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:38,427
Like… [inhales, exhales]

404
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:42,055
Straight people fighting for the right
not to have a baby, and… [sighs]

405
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:43,682
I hate gay people with kids.

406
00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:45,017
I don't know. [laughs]

407
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,060
[audience laughing]

408
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,860
Gay people having kids?

409
00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:56,486
What are we doing?

410
00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,947
[audience laughing]

411
00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:01,408
That was the whole point.

412
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:03,368
[audience laughing]

413
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,245
How do you ruin being gay?

414
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:09,208
That was the one thing we got.
That was the one silver lining.

415
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:10,375
[audience laughing]

416
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:12,377
We signed that deal, right?

417
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:14,463
In the 80s,
our forefathers, they went out.

418
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:17,090
They were like,
"Be gay, get fucked, get AIDS. No kids."

419
00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:18,508
"We signed that deal."

420
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:21,637
People died for these rights.

421
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,388
[audience laughing]

422
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:28,602
It's not just
that gay people are having kids.

423
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:32,022
It's that they want
their own biological kids.

424
00:20:32,105 --> 00:20:34,650
Right? I know
fags and dykes getting together

425
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,068
and mixing their shit up.

426
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:39,071
"God doesn't like us. We're gonna be God."

427
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:41,198
What is going on?

428
00:20:41,281 --> 00:20:42,783
[audience laughing]

429
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,703
Right? Like… like, we forget.

430
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:49,081
Like, we had
an understanding with society.

431
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:54,086
We forget
we had an understanding with society.

432
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:57,547
Right? At some point,
society let us be gay.

433
00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,508
Fantastic. Thank you so much.

434
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,093
[laughs]

435
00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:05,472
At some point,
society was like, "You get to be gay,

436
00:21:05,555 --> 00:21:11,144
but… but you got to adopt
all these loose fucking kids."

437
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,854
That was the pitch.

438
00:21:14,022 --> 00:21:15,857
[laughs] That was the pitch.

439
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:20,279
That was the whole idea.

440
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:22,364
It was like making lemonade out of lemons.

441
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:24,241
It was natural. It was organic.

442
00:21:24,324 --> 00:21:26,618
It's like, "We can't have kids.
They can't have parents."

443
00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:28,120
"Let's fucking go."

444
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:30,747
[audience applauding, laughing]

445
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:37,796
Right? Like, obviously, people would still
think it's weird we're gay.

446
00:21:37,879 --> 00:21:40,882
Right? So people would still be like,
"It's kinda weird that they're gay,

447
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:44,303
but at least they're cleaning up all
these fucking loosies."

448
00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:46,847
[audience laughing]

449
00:21:46,930 --> 00:21:49,933
Who just wants loose kids running around?

450
00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:54,521
You ever in a parking lot, somebody's kid,
I'm like, "Whose fucking kid is this?"

451
00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:56,523
[audience laughing]

452
00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:02,904
Because as a kid, I remember being… sad.

453
00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:06,158
I was like… [exhales]

454
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:08,160
"What if I grow up and I'm still gay?"

455
00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:09,619
It wasn't looking good.

456
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,998
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

457
00:22:13,081 --> 00:22:14,791
In the mirror
in my brother Menachem's pants,

458
00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:16,335
"But they look so sick though."

459
00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:18,211
[audience laughing]

460
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:21,798
"Oh yeah, I might have to take these.
This shit's mine now."

461
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,178
But I was sad.
I remember being a kid, and I was sad.

462
00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:28,138
I was like, "What if you grow up
and you're still gay?"

463
00:22:28,221 --> 00:22:30,182
And you want a family, you want kids.

464
00:22:30,265 --> 00:22:32,642
I was too young to decide.
I came from such a large family.

465
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:34,978
I was like, "What if you want a family,
you want kids?"

466
00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:37,230
And then I remember being, like, relieved.

467
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:39,274
I was like, "Oh yeah."

468
00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:42,444
"I actually heard about this."

469
00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:44,946
"I actually think
I just heard about this."

470
00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:48,200
If you grow up and you're gay,
you want a family, you want kids,

471
00:22:48,283 --> 00:22:50,285
at some point,
they'll throw you, like, a 9-year-old.

472
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,828
"This is Tony. Look at that."

473
00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:53,747
[audience laughing]

474
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:55,624
"Wow, isn't that fantastic?"

475
00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:59,086
"He's got all his shots.
He's moving ready. I love that."

476
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:02,881
He's potty-trained.

477
00:23:02,964 --> 00:23:05,133
Turnkey Tony, that's just terrific.

478
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:08,220
"What a cutie, what a cutie."

479
00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:10,097
[audience applauding, laughing]

480
00:23:11,932 --> 00:23:15,310
And if, like, a few years later,
your wife wanted another kid or whatever,

481
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:17,312
they give you like a 15-year-old.

482
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:20,148
Of course,
he's got severe anger management issues,

483
00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:21,608
as you can imagine.

484
00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:24,986
Twice the size of me.
I could die at any moment.

485
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:26,196
[audience laughing]

486
00:23:26,279 --> 00:23:27,948
But this is Tony and Miguel.

487
00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:29,533
These are my sons.

488
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:33,370
These are my sons.

489
00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:38,250
Right? That's what the gay American family
was supposed to be.

490
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:42,337
That's what the gay American family was
supposed to look like.

491
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,381
A dyke and her sons.

492
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:47,384
[audience laughing, cheering]

493
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:54,099
Never mind I got the Menendez brothers.

494
00:23:54,182 --> 00:23:56,351
[laughing] I could die at any…

495
00:23:58,228 --> 00:24:00,230
[audience laughing]

496
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:12,325
You know I'm going to raise men
out of these boys. [laughs]

497
00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:15,120
I got Rogan playing all day.

498
00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:16,538
No pussy shit…

499
00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:18,874
[audience laughing]

500
00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:23,462
…in this house.

501
00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:25,964
Right? And the fags, the fags,

502
00:24:26,047 --> 00:24:28,592
they're going to adopt
all the loose little girls.

503
00:24:29,217 --> 00:24:31,845
Right? All the girls go to the gay dads.

504
00:24:31,928 --> 00:24:33,680
Right? These girls are fucking decked.

505
00:24:33,763 --> 00:24:35,390
You've never seen hotter girls…

506
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:37,476
[audience laughing]

507
00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:40,145
…in your life, right?

508
00:24:40,228 --> 00:24:41,271
Girls' prom comes around,

509
00:24:41,354 --> 00:24:43,982
gay daddy's making
the dress him-fucking-self.

510
00:24:44,065 --> 00:24:45,984
[audience laughing]

511
00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:47,986
Other gay daddy's at the florist.

512
00:24:48,069 --> 00:24:49,529
He's stressed.

513
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:51,531
[audience laughing]

514
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:54,451
"The corsage better match perfect."

515
00:24:55,577 --> 00:24:57,204
You've never seen hotter girls

516
00:24:57,287 --> 00:25:00,081
than the girls who walk out of the house
with the two gay dads.

517
00:25:01,249 --> 00:25:02,167
Yeah.

518
00:25:03,668 --> 00:25:05,337
Dykes, we were gonna raise men

519
00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:08,632
out of these boys.

520
00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:11,718
And the fags, they're gonna raise women

521
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,221
out of these girls.

522
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:17,015
So while you're all raising
your they, thems,

523
00:25:17,098 --> 00:25:21,186
whatever the fuck you've done
with your own kids,

524
00:25:21,269 --> 00:25:24,105
[scattered applause, cheering]

525
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:29,319
we're gonna raise
men and women once again.

526
00:25:29,402 --> 00:25:30,946
[audience laughing]

527
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:33,031
[audience applauding, cheering]

528
00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:38,912
Don't… don't even worry about it.

529
00:25:38,995 --> 00:25:41,373
These gays will straighten
this whole mess out.

530
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:42,457
Don't you even.

531
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:45,126
My parents were straight.

532
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:46,127
For shame.

533
00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:49,172
They let me leave the house
looking like this.

534
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:50,674
Call CPS.

535
00:25:50,757 --> 00:25:52,717
[audience laughing]

536
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:57,889
Terrible with these straight parents
making gays and theys and queers.

537
00:25:57,973 --> 00:25:58,848
This is terrible.

538
00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:00,642
-Sick people.
-[audience laughing]

539
00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:03,895
[laughs]

540
00:26:04,521 --> 00:26:07,524
You know, it's okay. I grew up really bad.
I grew up really bad.

541
00:26:07,607 --> 00:26:09,109
I'm starting to realize the extent

542
00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:13,280
of how, you know, bad I grew up
in many ways.

543
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:15,699
Right? Like, you ever realize

544
00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:18,410
you grow up poor
'cause you like a hard towel?

545
00:26:18,493 --> 00:26:20,495
[audience laughing]

546
00:26:21,037 --> 00:26:22,455
This is the shit now, right?

547
00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:25,458
Like, I'm starting to be friends
with richer people now.

548
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:27,794
I went to somebody's house. They have a
pool.

549
00:26:27,877 --> 00:26:29,588
And they gave me a towel.

550
00:26:29,671 --> 00:26:31,965
First of all,
I brought my own towel. I was like…

551
00:26:32,048 --> 00:26:33,633
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

552
00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:36,386
…embarrassed. I was like,
"Okay, they got the towels."

553
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:39,264
It's poor to bring your own towel. Who--

554
00:26:39,347 --> 00:26:40,765
[audience laughing]

555
00:26:40,849 --> 00:26:42,767
Nobody else but me showed up
with a fucking towel.

556
00:26:42,851 --> 00:26:43,977
I had a whole bag.

557
00:26:44,060 --> 00:26:45,770
[audience laughing]

558
00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:50,150
And she gives me the towel,
and it's like fluffy.

559
00:26:50,817 --> 00:26:52,652
Right? And I tried to use the towel,

560
00:26:52,736 --> 00:26:55,196
and I was like,
"I feel like I'm still wet." Like…

561
00:26:55,822 --> 00:26:59,326
Am I… Am I supposed to dry the towel?
Is the towel drying me?

562
00:26:59,409 --> 00:27:02,537
Like, what's the process
on the fluffy towel?

563
00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:05,415
And she goes,
"Oh, we just got new towels."

564
00:27:05,498 --> 00:27:06,875
I was like, "New towels?"

565
00:27:06,958 --> 00:27:09,711
Like, to me, new and towel.

566
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:13,048
Like, to me,
seeing "new" and "towel" together,

567
00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:14,257
like, I can't even…

568
00:27:14,924 --> 00:27:16,426
Like, they're selling these?

569
00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:17,969
[audience laughing]

570
00:27:18,053 --> 00:27:21,806
[chuckles] To me, a towel is, like, built
with the house, like…

571
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:23,892
[audience laughing]

572
00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:28,229
Like, to me,
a towel… a towel is like ovaries.

573
00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:31,274
Like, whatever fucking towels
you're born with

574
00:27:32,442 --> 00:27:35,070
is the fucking towels you die with.

575
00:27:35,570 --> 00:27:37,572
[audience applauding, laughing]

576
00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:42,285
People will season a skillet.

577
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:44,371
I season a fucking towel.

578
00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:46,247
[audience laughing]

579
00:27:47,540 --> 00:27:49,292
It's like the same with, like, a pillow.

580
00:27:49,376 --> 00:27:52,712
Like, unless a pillow is 30 years old,
I can't get no sleep.

581
00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:54,756
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

582
00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:59,761
Unless a pillow is eggshell yellow…

583
00:27:59,844 --> 00:28:01,388
[audience laughing]

584
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:03,765
…I'm not getting no Zs.

585
00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:09,312
To me, a pillow ages like a tree.

586
00:28:09,396 --> 00:28:10,313
Each ring.

587
00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:12,023
[audience laughing]

588
00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:13,650
[laughs] Each ring, right?

589
00:28:13,733 --> 00:28:18,571
The darker the yellow ring,
I'm like, "Oh, yeah, that was, like, '04."

590
00:28:19,739 --> 00:28:21,700
No, Britney was healthy back then.

591
00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:23,326
This was a good time.

592
00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:24,994
[audience laughing]

593
00:28:25,995 --> 00:28:27,414
It's, like, so bad.

594
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,749
Like, I'm coming up
in the weird, like… [inhales sharply]

595
00:28:29,833 --> 00:28:31,418
Gay people having kids.

596
00:28:32,252 --> 00:28:34,421
Straight people…
straight people not having kids.

597
00:28:34,504 --> 00:28:35,922
They're getting dogs.

598
00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:40,135
Is it just me,
or has the dog population bloomed?

599
00:28:42,053 --> 00:28:43,805
Right? There's a lot of dogs.

600
00:28:43,888 --> 00:28:47,142
It's… it's a less safe place.
There's a lot of dogs.

601
00:28:48,351 --> 00:28:50,520
There's a lot of dogs, right?

602
00:28:50,603 --> 00:28:52,897
People worried about AI.
I'm still on dogs.

603
00:28:52,981 --> 00:28:55,650
[audience laughing]

604
00:28:57,068 --> 00:29:00,447
I think the dogs came up with
the fucking AI as a red herring.

605
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:01,740
to distract us.

606
00:29:02,574 --> 00:29:04,075
Acting dumb and shit.

607
00:29:04,159 --> 00:29:05,869
[audience laughing]

608
00:29:05,952 --> 00:29:06,995
I'm on to them.

609
00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:10,790
Right, because pit bulls are legal here.
People have pit bulls?

610
00:29:11,374 --> 00:29:13,710
-[audience member] Yeah!
-[scattered applause]

611
00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:16,254
Sick.

612
00:29:16,337 --> 00:29:17,297
[audience laughing]

613
00:29:17,380 --> 00:29:20,592
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
My only thing with the pit bull, really…

614
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:22,302
No, I'll move on,

615
00:29:22,385 --> 00:29:26,389
but my only thing with the pit bull was
always, like, it's always the first time.

616
00:29:26,473 --> 00:29:30,727
Right? You notice this? Like,
it's always… it's always the first time.

617
00:29:31,227 --> 00:29:34,272
Right? The dog never attacked
nobody before.

618
00:29:35,356 --> 00:29:39,944
They're racking their brain.
They can't imagine what happened.

619
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:41,946
It's the first time, right?

620
00:29:42,030 --> 00:29:44,908
We left the dog with the niece.
The cutest thing.

621
00:29:44,991 --> 00:29:47,702
You got to see them playing together.
It's the cutest thing.

622
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:50,830
The niece,
she's sticking stickers into its face.

623
00:29:50,914 --> 00:29:52,582
It's having the time of its life.

624
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:55,001
They're best friends.

625
00:29:55,084 --> 00:29:57,462
Sometimes we put the niece down for a nap.

626
00:29:57,545 --> 00:30:00,381
The dog is in the crib with her. It's the
cutest thing.

627
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:02,091
Two peas in a pod.

628
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:06,679
Come to find out a week later,
the dog mauls the girl to fucking death.

629
00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:07,806
They don't know.

630
00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:10,308
They don't know what happened.

631
00:30:11,684 --> 00:30:14,813
They're racking their brain,
but "It's never happened before."

632
00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:17,273
"It's the first time."

633
00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:20,902
And you're going, "I know."

634
00:30:20,985 --> 00:30:23,571
Right, because we must have compassion
for the pit bull people.

635
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,740
Pit bull people, we must have compassion.

636
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:29,327
We take for granted
that we know up is up and down is down.

637
00:30:29,410 --> 00:30:32,163
but the pit bull people live
in another world.

638
00:30:32,664 --> 00:30:36,376
We take for granted the sky is blue,
up is up, down is down.

639
00:30:39,212 --> 00:30:40,296
They're racking their brain.

640
00:30:40,380 --> 00:30:42,215
"It never happened before.
It's the first time."

641
00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:44,259
And you
as a non-pit bull person are going,

642
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:47,512
"I know. That's how
everything ever has ever worked."

643
00:30:47,595 --> 00:30:49,806
[audience laughing]

644
00:30:49,889 --> 00:30:52,183
"Stuff doesn't happen
and then it happens."

645
00:30:53,893 --> 00:30:56,896
"Now that you know
this very simple pattern of life,

646
00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:59,899
you're going to see it a lot more."

647
00:30:59,983 --> 00:31:01,359
[audience laughing]

648
00:31:01,442 --> 00:31:02,902
"You will notice it."

649
00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:05,530
And when something like this happens,

650
00:31:05,613 --> 00:31:09,742
when such a tragedy happens,
who do we blame?

651
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:11,828
Whose fault is it, right?

652
00:31:11,911 --> 00:31:12,954
Not the dog.

653
00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:15,623
A dog is always great.

654
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:17,417
A dog is good.

655
00:31:17,500 --> 00:31:20,211
Pit bull, greatest dog on the planet.

656
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:22,630
A friendlier breed, I do not know.

657
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:24,841
[audience laughing]

658
00:31:24,924 --> 00:31:26,634
A dog is great.

659
00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:29,137
When something like this happens,
whose fault is it?

660
00:31:29,637 --> 00:31:31,389
Yes, the owner.

661
00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:34,434
Of course it's the owner.
It's the person, right?

662
00:31:34,517 --> 00:31:35,351
It's like guns.

663
00:31:35,435 --> 00:31:37,103
I'm pro-gun, obviously.

664
00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:42,984
[laughing] I think… I think…
I think it's pretty obvious tonight

665
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:44,944
where this is going.

666
00:31:45,028 --> 00:31:46,863
[audience laughing]

667
00:31:47,739 --> 00:31:49,157
I'm pro-gun, obviously.

668
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:52,201
A gun on the floor. There it is.
Look at that. That's beautiful.

669
00:31:53,202 --> 00:31:55,038
It's when people get near the guns, right?

670
00:31:55,121 --> 00:31:57,165
It's like,
A gun on the floor, what is that, brass?

671
00:31:57,248 --> 00:31:59,918
Look at that craftsmanship.
That's fantastic.

672
00:32:00,001 --> 00:32:04,213
Alec Baldwin near the gun,
now I'm concerned.

673
00:32:05,757 --> 00:32:07,508
Never been about the gun.

674
00:32:11,220 --> 00:32:13,181
It's just, it's all getting worse.

675
00:32:13,264 --> 00:32:14,474
It's all getting worse.

676
00:32:14,557 --> 00:32:17,727
And I don't want to blame the gays here
at this point in my set.

677
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:19,771
Okay?

678
00:32:19,854 --> 00:32:21,022
But gay guys, they had that…

679
00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:23,691
Remember they had
that "It Gets Better" campaign?

680
00:32:27,403 --> 00:32:29,781
You can understand
why they didn't come to the dykes.

681
00:32:29,864 --> 00:32:33,534
They didn't come to lesbians
for the positivity campaign, right?

682
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,038
We would have been like,
"It Gets Worse," right? Like, they would…

683
00:32:37,872 --> 00:32:39,999
Like, they had
Lance Bass telling kids in Arkansas

684
00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:41,209
to come out of the closet.

685
00:32:41,292 --> 00:32:44,170
A dyke would have been like, "Whoa, back!"

686
00:32:44,712 --> 00:32:47,048
Whoa, Nelly.

687
00:32:48,091 --> 00:32:50,635
"Actually, what you're gonna wanna do is
get some canned goods."

688
00:32:50,718 --> 00:32:53,846
"You're gonna wanna hunker down,

689
00:32:55,014 --> 00:32:57,642
get your provisions together,

690
00:32:58,142 --> 00:33:00,353
and you peak out
every four or five years."

691
00:33:00,436 --> 00:33:04,065
"You're definitely gonna wanna get
some canned goods."

692
00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:06,109
"It gets much worse."

693
00:33:06,192 --> 00:33:07,860
"In fact, this is actually good."

694
00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:09,654
[laughs] "Like, this is actually…"

695
00:33:10,363 --> 00:33:13,116
They didn't go to us
for the… for the pride,

696
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:14,701
you know, for the festivities.

697
00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,869
Because gay men, they're a fun people.

698
00:33:16,953 --> 00:33:19,330
Did anybody go to Pride, people do Pride?

699
00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:21,541
-[exclaims]
-[scattered applause, cheering]

700
00:33:26,295 --> 00:33:27,463
Proud of what?

701
00:33:27,547 --> 00:33:28,506
[audience laughing]

702
00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:31,050
No, I'm serious, guys. Proud of what?

703
00:33:31,884 --> 00:33:36,014
Gay and ashamed to the day I fucking die.

704
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:37,932
[audience laughing]

705
00:33:38,891 --> 00:33:40,810
Get in the house. Shut the blinds.

706
00:33:40,893 --> 00:33:42,020
[audience laughing]

707
00:33:42,103 --> 00:33:44,731
Right? I understand
why they went to gay guys.

708
00:33:44,814 --> 00:33:48,276
Like, gay guys are a fun people.

709
00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:50,570
Right? They're a fun people.

710
00:33:50,653 --> 00:33:53,197
Like, as a lesbian,
I think I'm funny. I'm not fun.

711
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:56,993
Right? Like, we understand that.
I'm funny. I'm not fun.

712
00:33:57,827 --> 00:33:59,704
Right? Like, I don't play games.

713
00:34:00,997 --> 00:34:04,500
I'm not gonna be able
to make your board game evening.

714
00:34:04,584 --> 00:34:06,377
[audience laughing]

715
00:34:07,253 --> 00:34:09,088
I'm in no mood to be spooked.

716
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:11,340
[audience laughing]

717
00:34:15,428 --> 00:34:18,473
I'm not into any type of trickery.

718
00:34:18,973 --> 00:34:21,976
Whatever fucking pranks
you're all laughing at.

719
00:34:22,477 --> 00:34:24,562
Okay, I don't even watch a horror movie.

720
00:34:24,645 --> 00:34:26,522
Okay, I find life thrilling enough.

721
00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:29,984
I watch… I watch a horror movie
like Helen Keller,

722
00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:31,486
my eyes and ears closed. [laughs]

723
00:34:31,569 --> 00:34:33,362
[audience laughing]

724
00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:35,782
There's nothing offensive
about how she wa--

725
00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:40,078
That's biology.
That's how Helen watches a movie.

726
00:34:40,161 --> 00:34:42,038
[audience laughing]

727
00:34:42,538 --> 00:34:45,249
If Helen were here tonight,
she'd feel seen, so…

728
00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:47,126
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

729
00:34:50,338 --> 00:34:53,174
[exhales] Of course,
she could… she could only feel seen.

730
00:34:53,257 --> 00:34:54,425
You know what I'm saying?

731
00:34:55,551 --> 00:35:00,348
It's a… It's a difficult concept
to articulate.

732
00:35:00,431 --> 00:35:02,433
[audience laughing]

733
00:35:04,352 --> 00:35:06,687
The gay guys, they're, like, a fun people.

734
00:35:06,771 --> 00:35:09,816
Like, you ever been to
a gay dude's house for dinner?

735
00:35:09,899 --> 00:35:11,734
Like, you ever been to a gay dude's house?

736
00:35:11,818 --> 00:35:13,820
Right, there's always, like,
a signature cocktail.

737
00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:15,822
[audience laughing]

738
00:35:15,905 --> 00:35:18,658
There's always like a theme.
It's always like the 1920s.

739
00:35:18,741 --> 00:35:20,076
[audience laughing]

740
00:35:20,159 --> 00:35:22,453
Which as a Jew, I'm like,
"Could we not be?"

741
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,205
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]

742
00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:28,417
In the 1920s, all the Jews have to go
enjoy the cocktail upstairs in the attic.

743
00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:30,586
-Ooh!
-[audience laughing]

744
00:35:31,295 --> 00:35:33,297
But you can't deny
what they've done with the place.

745
00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,758
What is this, West Elm?
This is just beautiful.

746
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:38,094
Love their rugs.

747
00:35:42,431 --> 00:35:44,392
You ever been to a lesbian's house?

748
00:35:44,475 --> 00:35:46,352
[audience laughing]

749
00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:49,647
You ever been to a lesbian's house?

750
00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:53,901
This is a serious affair.

751
00:35:54,694 --> 00:35:56,404
Take your shoes off!

752
00:35:56,487 --> 00:35:58,531
[audience laughing]

753
00:35:58,614 --> 00:36:00,867
Shut up and pay attention!

754
00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:02,577
[audience laughing]

755
00:36:02,660 --> 00:36:04,996
Today we're talking about colonialism.

756
00:36:05,079 --> 00:36:07,248
[audience laughing]

757
00:36:11,878 --> 00:36:13,004
Pride to everyone.

758
00:36:13,087 --> 00:36:15,882
You can understand
why the banks went a different route.

759
00:36:15,965 --> 00:36:18,843
They went a different direction
on the festivities.

760
00:36:20,303 --> 00:36:22,013
Oh, but now everybody's queer.

761
00:36:22,096 --> 00:36:23,931
It's fantastic. It's just wonderful.

762
00:36:25,099 --> 00:36:26,100
Just wonderful.

763
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,394
You get to be queer, you get to be…

764
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:30,271
Everybody gets to be queer.

765
00:36:30,771 --> 00:36:32,148
It's fantastic, right?

766
00:36:32,231 --> 00:36:34,817
I met a girl like this, queer, sure, why
not?

767
00:36:36,402 --> 00:36:39,363
Ah, here with a boyfriend,
queer, who cares?

768
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:40,740
[audience laughing]

769
00:36:42,617 --> 00:36:43,993
I somehow got to 30,

770
00:36:44,076 --> 00:36:47,288
never happened with a girl,
but feel something…

771
00:36:47,371 --> 00:36:49,040
[audience laughing]

772
00:36:49,123 --> 00:36:50,666
…inside queer.

773
00:36:52,585 --> 00:36:55,338
Like I'm not on the front fucking lines.

774
00:36:55,421 --> 00:36:57,548
[audience laughing]

775
00:36:57,632 --> 00:36:59,467
Knee-deep in pussy.

776
00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:01,010
[audience laughing]

777
00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:04,347
You're gonna tell me you're queer?

778
00:37:04,430 --> 00:37:06,098
Fuck outta here.

779
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,601
[audience laughing, cheering]

780
00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:10,519
Do you know… [scoffs]

781
00:37:10,603 --> 00:37:12,230
Do you know what it's like?

782
00:37:12,980 --> 00:37:15,983
Do you know what it's like
to go down on another girl?

783
00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:18,986
I can't breathe.

784
00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:20,446
[audience laughing]

785
00:37:20,529 --> 00:37:24,116
Suffocating under the covers
'cause my girl's cold.

786
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,035
[audience laughing]

787
00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:29,163
This fucker knows.

788
00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:31,207
Scissor me, bro.

789
00:37:31,290 --> 00:37:33,626
[audience laughing, cheering]

790
00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:41,384
You're gonna tell me you're queer?

791
00:37:43,135 --> 00:37:45,304
It's always like,
"Well, we kissed at camp."

792
00:37:45,388 --> 00:37:47,139
[audience laughing]

793
00:37:47,223 --> 00:37:49,725
We French… We French kissed at camp.

794
00:37:50,393 --> 00:37:53,229
The summer kind
for any elderly Jews here. I…

795
00:37:53,312 --> 00:37:55,481
[audience laughing]

796
00:37:55,564 --> 00:37:56,857
…apologize.

797
00:37:56,941 --> 00:37:58,734
[audience laughing]

798
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:00,778
[laughs]

799
00:38:02,029 --> 00:38:04,657
We had a little French kiss at camp.

800
00:38:04,740 --> 00:38:07,201
Oh, you had a little tongue tie at camp?

801
00:38:07,285 --> 00:38:09,453
You ever have squirt in your face?

802
00:38:09,537 --> 00:38:12,164
[audience laughing]

803
00:38:15,751 --> 00:38:18,087
I lost vision in an eye for a week.

804
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:19,755
[audience laughing]

805
00:38:19,839 --> 00:38:23,301
You're gonna tell me you're queer?
Fuck outta here.

806
00:38:26,470 --> 00:38:29,390
They're like, "Well, we also…
We pushed our beds together."

807
00:38:29,890 --> 00:38:32,935
"We were so scared
at night in the dark at camp."

808
00:38:33,019 --> 00:38:35,688
"We pushed our beds together.
So scary, the crickets."

809
00:38:36,188 --> 00:38:37,940
[audience laughing]

810
00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:41,694
"And sometimes to help me fall asleep,
sometimes she would tickle my arm."

811
00:38:42,737 --> 00:38:45,781
"She tickled your arm?
You ever have blood on your arm?"

812
00:38:45,865 --> 00:38:47,658
[audience applauding, laughing]

813
00:38:50,119 --> 00:38:52,413
Clotty fucking blood too.

814
00:38:52,997 --> 00:38:54,498
Blue and shit.

815
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:59,462
Snotty-ass placenta fucking blood.

816
00:38:59,545 --> 00:39:01,255
[audience laughing]

817
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:05,176
That's not blood from a cut.

818
00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:06,469
That's pussy blood.

819
00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:07,803
[audience laughing]

820
00:39:10,973 --> 00:39:11,807
It's like…

821
00:39:12,308 --> 00:39:13,351
It's like… It's like…

822
00:39:13,434 --> 00:39:15,353
You're in the headquarters, right?

823
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:18,856
You have, like, an office job
or a bullpen, maybe, like, a window.

824
00:39:19,357 --> 00:39:21,359
Right? And I'm out in the fucking field.

825
00:39:21,984 --> 00:39:24,487
Dodging squirt bombs and all kinds.

826
00:39:24,570 --> 00:39:25,946
[audience laughing]

827
00:39:26,030 --> 00:39:28,324
How many sets of sheets do you have?

828
00:39:28,407 --> 00:39:30,409
[audience laughing]

829
00:39:30,493 --> 00:39:33,704
[laughing] I got 19 sets of sheets.

830
00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:35,790
[audience applauding, laughing]

831
00:39:35,873 --> 00:39:39,835
It's just, it's too many sets of sheets
for a person my age.

832
00:39:40,378 --> 00:39:45,508
I got 19. Full set, top, bottom,
19 sets of sheets.

833
00:39:46,008 --> 00:39:47,718
Straight men don't have a single pair.

834
00:39:47,802 --> 00:39:49,178
[audience laughing]

835
00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:51,639
They just unfurl a roll of paper towel.

836
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:53,557
[audience laughing]

837
00:39:53,641 --> 00:39:55,601
Overhead lighting, let's get it done.

838
00:39:55,684 --> 00:39:57,561
[audience laughing]

839
00:39:58,187 --> 00:39:59,021
[laughs]

840
00:40:00,189 --> 00:40:01,357
[exhales]

841
00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:04,985
Now somebody asked me if I'm trans.

842
00:40:05,611 --> 00:40:06,612
Just casual.

843
00:40:06,695 --> 00:40:11,242
I thought they were asking directions,
so I was like, "Uh, I don't know."

844
00:40:11,325 --> 00:40:13,536
Like, this is just like,
"How's the weather now?"

845
00:40:13,619 --> 00:40:14,829
Just ask me if I'm trans.

846
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:17,456
I'm already looking. I'm like,
"I don't even know where we…"

847
00:40:18,791 --> 00:40:21,710
The way they asked is just so casual.

848
00:40:21,794 --> 00:40:22,837
Am I trans?

849
00:40:23,629 --> 00:40:26,841
And I was like,
"I don't know. Something's off."

850
00:40:26,924 --> 00:40:28,342
[audience laughing]

851
00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,845
Your guess is as good as mine.

852
00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:33,848
Does this look normal to you?

853
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:35,808
Does this look okay?

854
00:40:35,891 --> 00:40:38,144
You've seen women.
You know 'em. You love 'em.

855
00:40:38,227 --> 00:40:41,063
Obviously something has gone awry.

856
00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:43,065
[audience laughing]

857
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:46,235
She had me thinking about it. I'm like,

858
00:40:47,236 --> 00:40:48,612
"Am I?" [laughs]

859
00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:52,950
And then I realized,
"Oh my God, I'm not. Thank God."

860
00:40:53,701 --> 00:40:55,911
I'm not in the mood for all of that.

861
00:40:56,829 --> 00:40:58,998
Where I grew up,
I don't need another thing.

862
00:40:59,081 --> 00:41:00,166
Thank you.

863
00:41:00,249 --> 00:41:01,709
[audience laughing]

864
00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:08,174
I realize I'm not, so the only way I can--
Like, it was like, "Oh my God, I'm not."

865
00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:12,636
The only way I realized I'm not trans
'cause I'm not… into crypto.

866
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:16,849
It's the only way I could know for sure.

867
00:41:18,184 --> 00:41:19,310
Right? 'Cause I was like,

868
00:41:19,393 --> 00:41:23,063
"If I was trans, I mean, I'm a boy inside,
I would understand crypto immediately."

869
00:41:23,147 --> 00:41:26,650
"I don't know fuck about crypto."

870
00:41:27,359 --> 00:41:29,570
Which for those who are unfamiliar, uh,

871
00:41:29,653 --> 00:41:32,656
crypto is
the male equivalent of astrology.

872
00:41:32,740 --> 00:41:34,158
It's a…

873
00:41:34,241 --> 00:41:36,202
[audience laughing, cheering]

874
00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:37,244
…a lot

875
00:41:38,996 --> 00:41:42,750
to do with minerals
and the earth and numerology.

876
00:41:44,001 --> 00:41:46,337
Um, but it's a lot funner than astrology

877
00:41:46,420 --> 00:41:48,297
because you could also
lose your house doing it.

878
00:41:48,380 --> 00:41:50,216
So that's really fun.

879
00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:53,511
That's really fun to lose everything.
That's just fantastic.

880
00:41:56,555 --> 00:42:00,142
Any, uh, any they, thems here?

881
00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:05,189
That fizzled out, huh? [winces]

882
00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:07,942
That fizzled out.

883
00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:10,653
Right? Last year,
there would have been a whole bunch.

884
00:42:10,736 --> 00:42:13,072
[audience laughing]

885
00:42:16,325 --> 00:42:18,786
All right, have you noticed this?
They're walking that back now.

886
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:21,872
Some of them, they're walking it back.

887
00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:25,042
And I'll say this,
if you ever went by they, them,

888
00:42:25,125 --> 00:42:27,545
you should not be able to go back.

889
00:42:27,628 --> 00:42:30,172
No backsies, you plural bitch.

890
00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:33,217
No backsies.

891
00:42:35,427 --> 00:42:36,887
After all that.

892
00:42:36,971 --> 00:42:38,639
[audience laughing]

893
00:42:38,722 --> 00:42:40,516
My friend… my friend came up to me.

894
00:42:40,599 --> 00:42:43,686
She said, "Oh yeah,
I'm not really doing that anymore."

895
00:42:43,769 --> 00:42:46,605
She'd been doing they, them for six years.
"I'm not really doing that anymore."

896
00:42:46,689 --> 00:42:49,024
I'm like, "Oh yes you are."

897
00:42:49,108 --> 00:42:50,234
[audience laughing]

898
00:42:50,317 --> 00:42:52,903
"Oh yes you fucking are."

899
00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:55,072
After all that?

900
00:42:55,781 --> 00:42:56,949
There was six of you.

901
00:42:57,032 --> 00:43:01,620
You made everyone, everyone change
their shit for you.

902
00:43:01,704 --> 00:43:03,747
And you're gonna walk it back now?

903
00:43:04,456 --> 00:43:07,293
There was six of you.
You wrote me into it.

904
00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:09,837
Right, your life was good
and you were rich,

905
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:11,088
and you went to Wesleyan.

906
00:43:11,171 --> 00:43:14,008
You needed a problem,
and you fucking took me with you.

907
00:43:14,091 --> 00:43:15,217
[audience laughing]

908
00:43:15,301 --> 00:43:18,596
I used to just walk into a room,
be able to be who the fuck I wanted to be.

909
00:43:18,679 --> 00:43:20,681
Now I walk in, they go,
"What are your pronouns?"

910
00:43:20,764 --> 00:43:22,641
I'm like, "I don't fucking know."

911
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:24,226
[audience laughing]

912
00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:26,729
"Obviously something is off."

913
00:43:26,812 --> 00:43:28,814
[audience laughing]

914
00:43:29,398 --> 00:43:34,903
So help me God, if a Brooklyn bitch
with a boyfriend is walking that back now.

915
00:43:34,987 --> 00:43:37,156
[audience laughing]

916
00:43:42,369 --> 00:43:44,496
Not on my fucking watch.

917
00:43:46,165 --> 00:43:47,791
You made your bed.

918
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:51,795
You will die… You will die a plural bitch,
so help me God.

919
00:43:52,379 --> 00:43:55,174
Your tombstone will read,
"They died here."

920
00:43:55,257 --> 00:43:57,551
So help me God.

921
00:43:59,595 --> 00:44:03,349
You're left with me, the last she, her
on the motherfucking planet.

922
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:05,351
Fellas, get a good look.

923
00:44:05,434 --> 00:44:06,894
[audience laughing]

924
00:44:06,977 --> 00:44:08,312
[Robby laughs]

925
00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:12,274
Any, uh… [laughs]

926
00:44:12,358 --> 00:44:14,777
Any bisexuals here?

927
00:44:14,860 --> 00:44:16,028
[audience cheering]

928
00:44:17,321 --> 00:44:18,864
Okay.

929
00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:25,329
They wait every day
to be asked that question.

930
00:44:25,412 --> 00:44:27,414
[audience laughing]

931
00:44:29,458 --> 00:44:33,045
Let me rephrase, let me rephrase.
Any bisexual men here?

932
00:44:33,128 --> 00:44:34,129
[audience member] Woo!

933
00:44:34,213 --> 00:44:35,422
No.

934
00:44:37,132 --> 00:44:38,008
No.

935
00:44:39,551 --> 00:44:41,428
Bisexual men, I don't think so.

936
00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:43,389
[audience laughing]

937
00:44:43,472 --> 00:44:46,433
Bi-- No means no. That's a no.

938
00:44:46,517 --> 00:44:48,602
Bisexual men, no.

939
00:44:50,020 --> 00:44:50,938
[exhales]

940
00:44:51,021 --> 00:44:56,276
Even if you are a bisexual man,
leave women alone.

941
00:44:56,360 --> 00:44:59,196
[audience applauding, laughing]

942
00:44:59,279 --> 00:45:00,406
They don't want you.

943
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:02,658
They don't want you.

944
00:45:03,409 --> 00:45:07,246
Show of hands ladies,
who here wants a bisexual man?

945
00:45:07,913 --> 00:45:09,456
Thank you.

946
00:45:09,998 --> 00:45:11,375
Thank you.

947
00:45:11,917 --> 00:45:13,335
The jury has spoken.

948
00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:14,712
Thank you.

949
00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:18,632
How are you gonna be something now

950
00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:20,843
where half of the thing
that you need to be the thing

951
00:45:20,926 --> 00:45:21,927
doesn't want you?

952
00:45:22,010 --> 00:45:24,930
Just a faggot like the rest of us.
I'll see you at Pride.

953
00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:27,891
Trying to get out of that shit.

954
00:45:28,767 --> 00:45:29,935
Get your sunscreen out.

955
00:45:30,018 --> 00:45:31,520
I'll see you at Pride.

956
00:45:34,565 --> 00:45:38,527
You don't think
women have enough problems? [laughs]

957
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:43,907
You don't think women go through enough?

958
00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:47,953
Do you know the risk
a woman takes dating a man?

959
00:45:50,038 --> 00:45:54,084
He could kill her. She could get raped.
He could snap at any fucking moment.

960
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:56,920
You think she needs
your gay ass bringing home AIDS?

961
00:45:57,004 --> 00:45:58,464
I don't think so.

962
00:45:58,547 --> 00:45:59,965
[audience laughing]

963
00:46:00,048 --> 00:46:02,509
It's gonna be a no for me, dog.

964
00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:04,178
It's okay to laugh at that.

965
00:46:04,261 --> 00:46:06,930
It's going to be a no for me, dog.

966
00:46:08,682 --> 00:46:10,225
It is sad that you guys laughed at that.

967
00:46:10,309 --> 00:46:12,478
I just said it,
but you guys actually think it's funny.

968
00:46:12,561 --> 00:46:14,980
That's the problem.
No, that is the problem.

969
00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:18,025
I do this to expose. I'm telling you.

970
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:22,571
Anybody, uh, here have a dick?

971
00:46:22,654 --> 00:46:24,948
See… [laughs]

972
00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:26,658
No, you guys, I'm trying to be friendlier.

973
00:46:26,742 --> 00:46:28,368
See this-- No, hold on, hold on.

974
00:46:28,452 --> 00:46:30,120
People are afraid to participate.

975
00:46:30,204 --> 00:46:32,164
Don't be scared.
You know, I'm approachable, right?

976
00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:35,626
Everybody knows this, I'm opposite Ellen.
We all know this about me.

977
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:38,796
No, everybody knows this.
Nothing to be afraid of, okay?

978
00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:40,506
I'm opposite Ellen.

979
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:43,050
You know how Ellen purports
to be kind and nice?

980
00:46:43,133 --> 00:46:44,134
She's dancing.

981
00:46:44,635 --> 00:46:46,428
[audience laughing]

982
00:46:46,512 --> 00:46:48,847
But she's actually a terror to work with.

983
00:46:49,389 --> 00:46:52,142
You guys have heard that.
She's a terror to work with, right?

984
00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:54,394
Well, I came out a little aggressive.

985
00:46:55,687 --> 00:46:58,232
I'm a little rough around the edges.

986
00:46:59,316 --> 00:47:02,402
But I'm actually a fucking delight
to work with.

987
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:04,488
[audience applauding, cheering]

988
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:05,989
Okay.

989
00:47:06,073 --> 00:47:07,783
They'll print that one day.

990
00:47:07,866 --> 00:47:09,952
One day it'll come out I'm kind.

991
00:47:10,035 --> 00:47:11,328
You wait and see.

992
00:47:11,411 --> 00:47:13,205
You wait and see.

993
00:47:14,039 --> 00:47:16,291
That's it.
Anybody here have a… have a dick?

994
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,253
[scattered cheering]

995
00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:20,420
You like your dick?

996
00:47:21,505 --> 00:47:22,548
Fantastic.

997
00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:27,553
You… you caress it? You take care of it?

998
00:47:28,053 --> 00:47:30,931
Right? He's a responsible individual.
I like that.

999
00:47:31,014 --> 00:47:32,391
Responsible man.

1000
00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:34,476
Let me ask you this.

1001
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:35,519
[chuckles]

1002
00:47:37,813 --> 00:47:38,772
If… [chuckles]

1003
00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:42,651
If something were to happen to your dick,

1004
00:47:45,654 --> 00:47:46,989
how would you feel?

1005
00:47:50,325 --> 00:47:52,578
Speechless. Bereft. I understand.

1006
00:47:52,661 --> 00:47:54,204
[audience laughing]

1007
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:56,790
So safe to say you love your dick?

1008
00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:57,875
[audience member] I do.

1009
00:47:57,958 --> 00:48:01,336
Yeah, safe to say…
safe to say you love dick.

1010
00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:02,796
All it takes is one.

1011
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,298
[audience applauding]

1012
00:48:04,381 --> 00:48:05,465
All it takes is one.

1013
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,801
You're fucking gay and it makes me sick.

1014
00:48:10,262 --> 00:48:12,264
I don't like no dick, mine or otherwise.

1015
00:48:12,347 --> 00:48:14,683
Yet, I gotta be gay.
No, you're fucking gay.

1016
00:48:14,766 --> 00:48:16,810
Happy Pride to you, faggot.

1017
00:48:16,894 --> 00:48:18,770
[audience applauding]

1018
00:48:20,898 --> 00:48:22,649
Everybody's coming out tonight.

1019
00:48:25,193 --> 00:48:27,654
Do we have any… any straight girls here?

1020
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:28,822
Any straight girls?

1021
00:48:28,906 --> 00:48:30,782
So brave. Thank you for coming forward.

1022
00:48:30,866 --> 00:48:33,535
No, you're all perfect the way you are.

1023
00:48:33,619 --> 00:48:34,536
Thank you.

1024
00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:37,706
You know, I think we need
the straight girl march next year.

1025
00:48:37,789 --> 00:48:39,041
I believe this.

1026
00:48:39,124 --> 00:48:42,544
Last marginalized people
on the planet, right

1027
00:48:42,628 --> 00:48:44,796
You better believe
that's a march I go to. [laughs]

1028
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:46,965
[audience laughing]

1029
00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:51,136
Call me a fucking ally at this shit.

1030
00:48:51,219 --> 00:48:52,971
[audience laughing]

1031
00:48:54,973 --> 00:48:56,475
A dyke march? I'm not going to that.

1032
00:48:56,558 --> 00:49:00,228
Ew, this reeks. Reeks, pee-ew.

1033
00:49:00,312 --> 00:49:02,230
[audience laughing]

1034
00:49:06,526 --> 00:49:07,653
No, straight girls it's hard.

1035
00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:10,572
Like, any… any single straight girls here?

1036
00:49:10,656 --> 00:49:12,491
Any losers? No, it happens.

1037
00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:14,451
It happens. No, it happens.

1038
00:49:14,534 --> 00:49:15,744
It happens. It happens.

1039
00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:19,706
'Cause the problem is straight girls,
you know, they have to,

1040
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:21,792
last time I checked, they're dating men.

1041
00:49:23,210 --> 00:49:25,212
Right? Of course,
I've been wrong about this before.

1042
00:49:25,295 --> 00:49:27,130
My wife was the Bachelorette,

1043
00:49:27,214 --> 00:49:29,925
and she had 25 boyfriends
three years ago. [laughs]

1044
00:49:30,842 --> 00:49:32,552
I have been wrong about that.

1045
00:49:32,636 --> 00:49:35,681
For the most part,
straight girls, they're dating men.

1046
00:49:35,764 --> 00:49:38,892
And that's hard
because men aren't what they used to be.

1047
00:49:39,559 --> 00:49:41,853
Right? We now have 37-year-old men.

1048
00:49:41,937 --> 00:49:45,691
We now have 37-year-old men saying,
"That's so sick. That's fire."

1049
00:49:45,774 --> 00:49:48,902
That's where we're at as a society.

1050
00:49:48,986 --> 00:49:50,404
That's where we're at.

1051
00:49:50,487 --> 00:49:53,448
You say, "That's sick. That's fire."
You make me fucking sick.

1052
00:49:53,532 --> 00:49:55,283
[audience laughing]

1053
00:49:56,493 --> 00:49:57,911
My friend Carmen, he called me.

1054
00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:01,248
He's like, "Hey Rob,
why didn't you come to my birthday party?"

1055
00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:02,374
I was like, "Huh?"

1056
00:50:04,501 --> 00:50:06,628
He's like,
"Yeah, I sent you the Partiful."

1057
00:50:07,129 --> 00:50:08,922
[audience laughing]

1058
00:50:11,341 --> 00:50:14,052
I said, 'Carm, how old are you turning?"

1059
00:50:15,303 --> 00:50:16,596
And he said, "39."

1060
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:18,473
I said, "39?!"

1061
00:50:19,266 --> 00:50:24,438
No, I don't go to
a 39-year-old grown man's birthday party.

1062
00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:26,106
What, are you fucking gay?

1063
00:50:26,189 --> 00:50:28,025
[audience laughing]

1064
00:50:28,525 --> 00:50:31,194
Birthday parties are
for women and children.

1065
00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:32,779
What are we doing?

1066
00:50:32,863 --> 00:50:34,823
[audience laughing]

1067
00:50:34,906 --> 00:50:37,325
What am I getting there
and we're playing "Duck, duck, goose"?

1068
00:50:37,409 --> 00:50:39,327
What the fuck is going on?

1069
00:50:43,832 --> 00:50:46,918
But it's hard for women.
It's hard for everyone to date.

1070
00:50:47,002 --> 00:50:51,131
And I realize that part of the problem is
we've overcomplicated everything.

1071
00:50:51,214 --> 00:50:53,759
Overcomplicated, right?
We have so many apps and so many…

1072
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:56,636
And I'm like,
"Let's just bring it back to basics."

1073
00:50:57,137 --> 00:50:59,014
I came up with an equation,
just a simple--

1074
00:50:59,097 --> 00:51:03,268
I'm still working out the math,
but I came up with a simple theory.

1075
00:51:04,644 --> 00:51:08,106
You know, listen, it doesn't matter
who you're dating, what your sexuality is,

1076
00:51:08,190 --> 00:51:09,149
it's for everyone.

1077
00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:11,151
I'm for the people. You understand this.

1078
00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:13,320
I look out for everyone.

1079
00:51:15,155 --> 00:51:16,156
Simple equation.

1080
00:51:16,239 --> 00:51:18,784
Forget the apps, forget everything.
All you need to-- Okay.

1081
00:51:19,367 --> 00:51:21,953
All you need-- Let me-- Oh yeah.

1082
00:51:22,037 --> 00:51:24,414
Per every relationship.
Okay, let's start there.

1083
00:51:24,915 --> 00:51:27,167
Right. Per… This is all you need.

1084
00:51:27,250 --> 00:51:29,586
Per every relationship,

1085
00:51:29,669 --> 00:51:32,047
all you need is one hot…

1086
00:51:32,130 --> 00:51:33,965
[scattered laughter]

1087
00:51:34,049 --> 00:51:35,425
…one smart.

1088
00:51:36,510 --> 00:51:38,804
How you divvy it up, I don't give a fuck.

1089
00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:44,142
How you divvy it up, I don't give a fuck.

1090
00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:47,354
We're used to seeing
a classic example of that

1091
00:51:47,437 --> 00:51:48,438
in this country, right?

1092
00:51:48,522 --> 00:51:51,358
Typically, we see, like,
an older, smart dude

1093
00:51:51,441 --> 00:51:52,400
with a young, hot thing.

1094
00:51:52,484 --> 00:51:53,777
That's a beautiful sight.

1095
00:51:53,860 --> 00:51:55,028
That is evergreen.

1096
00:51:55,695 --> 00:51:57,656
That is an American classic.

1097
00:51:58,865 --> 00:52:00,033
That is here to stay.

1098
00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:01,952
It's like slipping into a pair of Calvins.

1099
00:52:02,035 --> 00:52:03,036
They just fit.

1100
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:04,454
[audience laughing]

1101
00:52:05,038 --> 00:52:06,373
It's a beautiful sight.

1102
00:52:08,125 --> 00:52:11,878
But you ever see…
You ever see the opposite?

1103
00:52:12,379 --> 00:52:14,297
You ever see, like, a pretty boy?

1104
00:52:14,381 --> 00:52:16,383
Like an Abercrombie type

1105
00:52:17,634 --> 00:52:21,388
with, like,
a bookish, glasses-wearing type of girl?

1106
00:52:22,097 --> 00:52:23,265
That shit can work too.

1107
00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:26,351
A Walk to Remember,
was that a fucking movie?

1108
00:52:27,185 --> 00:52:29,187
Was that a fucking movie?

1109
00:52:30,856 --> 00:52:33,233
One hot, one smart.

1110
00:52:33,316 --> 00:52:36,027
How you divvy it up, I don't give a fuck.

1111
00:52:36,528 --> 00:52:41,533
People think in my own relationship,
they think Gabby is 100% the hot circle.

1112
00:52:42,284 --> 00:52:45,620
Right? But… but, I happen to be
a bit of a cutie.

1113
00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:50,667
[audience cheering]

1114
00:52:52,335 --> 00:52:53,503
It is what it is.

1115
00:52:54,796 --> 00:52:56,506
So I'm giving 10%.

1116
00:52:57,382 --> 00:53:00,010
Okay? I… I'm earning my keep.
I'm contributing.

1117
00:53:00,093 --> 00:53:02,804
She's still got 90. Calm down.
People get mad.

1118
00:53:02,888 --> 00:53:05,891
She's still got 90,
but I'm earning my keep.

1119
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:11,605
And then for some reason, people assume
that I'm 100% the smart circle.

1120
00:53:11,688 --> 00:53:14,774
They forget Gabby was an ICU nurse
for eight and a half fucking years.

1121
00:53:14,858 --> 00:53:17,736
She's practically a doctor
in this country.

1122
00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:22,073
We split the smart circle 50-50.

1123
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:26,453
One hot, one smart.

1124
00:53:26,536 --> 00:53:30,248
How you divvy it, I don't give a fuck.

1125
00:53:30,332 --> 00:53:34,961
Figure out your ratios, what you have,
and what you fucking need.

1126
00:53:35,045 --> 00:53:37,297
[audience laughing]

1127
00:53:38,715 --> 00:53:41,468
You guys are doing the ratios,
so your ratios are off.

1128
00:53:41,551 --> 00:53:43,720
You ever see two hots together?

1129
00:53:43,803 --> 00:53:45,597
Hollywood, it's a fucking disaster.

1130
00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:47,682
[audience laughing]

1131
00:53:47,766 --> 00:53:52,103
Right? It doesn't matter
how many times J-Lo and Ben fucking try,

1132
00:53:52,187 --> 00:53:55,065
and they're gearing up to go again,

1133
00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:56,149
it'll never happen.

1134
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:58,693
You're missing an entire circle.

1135
00:53:58,777 --> 00:54:00,779
[audience laughing]

1136
00:54:04,950 --> 00:54:07,244
You ever see two smarts together?

1137
00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:10,247
That's two uggos.
That's a hazard on the road.

1138
00:54:10,330 --> 00:54:12,707
Guys, come on. Be responsible.

1139
00:54:12,791 --> 00:54:15,877
You want to be the traffic jam
I was referring to? Come on.

1140
00:54:16,795 --> 00:54:20,757
Come on. Use the math response.

1141
00:54:23,301 --> 00:54:28,348
No, the truth is Gab is
the most beautiful woman inside and out.

1142
00:54:28,431 --> 00:54:29,349
We all agree.

1143
00:54:29,432 --> 00:54:32,602
[audience applauding, cheering]

1144
00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:36,273
But… [laughs]

1145
00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:38,984
But…

1146
00:54:40,235 --> 00:54:41,111
[chuckles]

1147
00:54:41,611 --> 00:54:43,571
She did something rather disgusting.

1148
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:47,909
It happens. It happens. It happens.

1149
00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:50,078
Right? I don't even know really where to…

1150
00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:52,539
I'll just say what happened.

1151
00:54:53,331 --> 00:54:54,541
Start there, right?

1152
00:54:54,624 --> 00:54:57,043
You guys have been wonderful to me.
Let me just tell…

1153
00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:58,253
Okay. [chuckles]

1154
00:54:58,336 --> 00:54:59,421
I'm stalling. Okay.

1155
00:55:00,338 --> 00:55:01,172
[clicks tongue]

1156
00:55:01,256 --> 00:55:03,216
Okay, I caught her removing-- Okay, yeah.

1157
00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:05,093
I-- Just say what happened, Rob.

1158
00:55:05,176 --> 00:55:11,391
Okay, I caught her removing
the bathroom trash can from the bathroom.

1159
00:55:13,685 --> 00:55:15,103
Okay, so we already--

1160
00:55:15,186 --> 00:55:18,148
It's already in the title there, right?

1161
00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:23,028
The bath-- So I caught her removing
the bathroom trash can from the bathroom.

1162
00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:25,905
Right? That's where it lives.
That's its habitat.

1163
00:55:25,989 --> 00:55:29,117
Right? You can't just throw that
into the wild of the rest of the house.

1164
00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:30,410
It's not domesticated.

1165
00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:32,287
[audience laughing]

1166
00:55:32,370 --> 00:55:35,040
Right? So I said, "What's going on?"

1167
00:55:36,041 --> 00:55:40,670
And she said so casual,
just in her cute Gab, just… [squeals]

1168
00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:42,756
Just so cute. She was just so cute.

1169
00:55:42,839 --> 00:55:44,507
She was like, "Oh, I'm just going to…"

1170
00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:46,634
I can barely even say it.

1171
00:55:48,053 --> 00:55:49,346
She just said, like, so casually.

1172
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:52,515
She was just like,
"Oh, I'm just going to clip my toenails."

1173
00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:54,768
[audience laughing]

1174
00:55:54,851 --> 00:55:55,810
[clicks tongue]

1175
00:55:55,894 --> 00:55:59,272
Which one of you sick animals here tonight

1176
00:55:59,814 --> 00:56:03,902
clips your toenails
on your living room couch?

1177
00:56:03,985 --> 00:56:06,654
-Confess. Confess.
-[audience laughing]

1178
00:56:06,738 --> 00:56:09,199
That's a sick bitch right there.

1179
00:56:09,282 --> 00:56:11,951
That is a sick bitch right there.

1180
00:56:12,452 --> 00:56:15,080
Always the hottest ones are sickest.

1181
00:56:15,163 --> 00:56:16,831
[audience laughing]

1182
00:56:17,665 --> 00:56:20,710
I guarantee
when they paint over your apartment,

1183
00:56:20,794 --> 00:56:22,087
when they paint over your place,

1184
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:23,922
when you move,
and they paint over your place,

1185
00:56:24,005 --> 00:56:27,926
they'll have to paint over
anywhere between five to seven crescents…

1186
00:56:28,009 --> 00:56:29,427
[audience laughing]

1187
00:56:29,511 --> 00:56:32,430
…of your fucking toenail
that have lodged themselves

1188
00:56:32,514 --> 00:56:36,267
so deep into your living room,
a vacuum could never go.

1189
00:56:36,351 --> 00:56:38,144
[audience laughing]

1190
00:56:38,686 --> 00:56:41,523
And she goes,
"It's okay. I catch 'em all."

1191
00:56:41,606 --> 00:56:44,984
[audience laughing]

1192
00:56:45,068 --> 00:56:48,321
She goes,
"It's okay. I catch 'em all in here."

1193
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:51,616
[scattered laughter]

1194
00:56:54,911 --> 00:56:55,787
Huh?

1195
00:56:57,205 --> 00:57:03,002
Everybody knows a toenail goes
wherever the fuck a toenail wants to go.

1196
00:57:04,295 --> 00:57:07,549
We have no jurisdiction as mere laymen

1197
00:57:07,632 --> 00:57:12,095
as to the trajectory of a fucking toenail.

1198
00:57:12,178 --> 00:57:13,555
That's why like a normal person,

1199
00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:16,141
you get in the bathroom,
you lock the door.

1200
00:57:17,809 --> 00:57:20,270
You cut your shit
and pray you don't go blind.

1201
00:57:20,353 --> 00:57:22,522
[audience laughing]

1202
00:57:22,605 --> 00:57:24,357
Chas v'shalom.

1203
00:57:25,733 --> 00:57:30,530
God forbid I should get thirsty
while she's doing this shit.

1204
00:57:30,613 --> 00:57:36,161
And I gotta walk through the living room
to the kitchen to grab a glass of water,

1205
00:57:36,244 --> 00:57:37,495
but to be hit in the eye…

1206
00:57:37,579 --> 00:57:39,539
[audience laughing]

1207
00:57:40,331 --> 00:57:42,417
…by one of her rogue nails.

1208
00:57:43,251 --> 00:57:46,129
Between the squirt and that,
I'm lucky to be alive.

1209
00:57:53,303 --> 00:57:55,096
Thank God I wear glasses.

1210
00:57:57,640 --> 00:57:58,558
[exhales]

1211
00:57:58,641 --> 00:58:00,894
And look, it's okay.

1212
00:58:00,977 --> 00:58:02,479
Maybe she didn't learn. Look.

1213
00:58:03,771 --> 00:58:05,023
No, maybe she didn't learn.

1214
00:58:05,106 --> 00:58:06,733
You know, school I don't think is a place.

1215
00:58:06,816 --> 00:58:10,195
I never learned anything in school
about how to lead a decent life.

1216
00:58:11,154 --> 00:58:15,492
You know, I learned nothing
about financial or tax planning,

1217
00:58:15,575 --> 00:58:19,412
any domesticity, how to keep a home,
so now we gotta figure shit out.

1218
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:21,331
Right?

1219
00:58:21,414 --> 00:58:22,457
And I do believe though,

1220
00:58:22,540 --> 00:58:24,751
there's a lesson in everything,
big or small.

1221
00:58:24,834 --> 00:58:27,295
Lesson in everything, big or small.
Even the bathroom trash can.

1222
00:58:27,378 --> 00:58:29,172
Maybe she didn't know, right?

1223
00:58:29,255 --> 00:58:32,217
There's only one way to do
the bathroom trash can, for instance.

1224
00:58:32,300 --> 00:58:35,053
Okay, there's only one way
to do the bathroom trash can.

1225
00:58:35,136 --> 00:58:38,806
That is… open concept.

1226
00:58:39,807 --> 00:58:42,101
Waste paper basket. Don't overthink it.

1227
00:58:43,144 --> 00:58:47,524
Right? But some of you thought
you'd get fancy going through the Target,

1228
00:58:47,607 --> 00:58:50,818
splurge $24.99 USD on the kick lid.

1229
00:58:51,653 --> 00:58:55,281
And you regret the day
you were ever fucking born.

1230
00:58:55,365 --> 00:58:57,367
[audience laughing]

1231
00:58:58,368 --> 00:59:00,161
Because the kick lid in a small--

1232
00:59:00,245 --> 00:59:04,374
The kick lid is better suited
for the larger kitchen size

1233
00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:05,959
where you have that type of clearance.

1234
00:59:06,042 --> 00:59:07,168
[exhales sharply]

1235
00:59:07,252 --> 00:59:08,378
Is that nice?

1236
00:59:08,878 --> 00:59:13,716
In the small… In the cramped bathroom
and a small size

1237
00:59:13,800 --> 00:59:16,594
with the lid and the spine
and the heaviness and the pedal,

1238
00:59:16,678 --> 00:59:19,222
you're asking too much of its little body.

1239
00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:23,893
You're asking too much of its little body.

1240
00:59:23,977 --> 00:59:25,228
All right, how the physics work?

1241
00:59:25,311 --> 00:59:27,605
How are you even going to kick that
from your toilet, huh?

1242
00:59:27,689 --> 00:59:29,524
[audience laughing]

1243
00:59:29,607 --> 00:59:31,401
Gotta throw out your fucking hip?

1244
00:59:33,194 --> 00:59:35,154
Right? Now you're gonna
kick this shit too hard.

1245
00:59:35,238 --> 00:59:36,239
You broke this shit.

1246
00:59:37,240 --> 00:59:39,450
Haven't had it ten days.
You broke this shit.

1247
00:59:40,451 --> 00:59:41,911
And you're left doing what?

1248
00:59:42,537 --> 00:59:45,582
The… The lift and tuck.

1249
00:59:45,665 --> 00:59:50,295
The worst feeling a person can ever know.

1250
00:59:50,378 --> 00:59:52,755
And he knows it well. He knows it well.

1251
00:59:54,257 --> 00:59:57,468
Every time you lift and tuck
into the ether

1252
00:59:57,552 --> 01:00:01,389
of whatever the fuck you have
in your trash can,

1253
01:00:01,472 --> 01:00:03,224
you wanna fucking die.

1254
01:00:04,601 --> 01:00:06,894
And still you don't take your trash out.

1255
01:00:07,478 --> 01:00:09,397
[audience laughing]

1256
01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:14,986
But some of you don't have the commitment
it takes for a bathroom trash can.

1257
01:00:16,195 --> 01:00:19,741
Some of you don't have the commitment
for a bathroom trash can

1258
01:00:19,824 --> 01:00:21,576
to empty it regularly.

1259
01:00:22,076 --> 01:00:24,579
Some of you will get home
after tonight's show

1260
01:00:24,662 --> 01:00:29,584
and you'll wipe your ass and dangle it
onto a mountain you fucking created.

1261
01:00:30,752 --> 01:00:34,839
Trying to dangle it
onto a slippery bottle of Pantene Pro-V,

1262
01:00:34,922 --> 01:00:38,134
which is too fucking big
to throw out there to begin with.

1263
01:00:42,722 --> 01:00:46,893
And still you don't take your trash out
'cause you wanna fucking die.

1264
01:00:48,144 --> 01:00:51,481
Some of you don't have
the commitment it takes

1265
01:00:52,231 --> 01:00:56,819
to maintain a bathroom trash can,
take it out regularly.

1266
01:00:57,320 --> 01:01:00,573
Yet you ask me
why the fuck you're still single?

1267
01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:02,742
[audience laughing]

1268
01:01:04,077 --> 01:01:08,790
If you can't commit
to a bathroom trash can,

1269
01:01:08,873 --> 01:01:11,501
how you gonna commit to a bitch, faggot?

1270
01:01:11,584 --> 01:01:13,002
[audience laughing]

1271
01:01:13,086 --> 01:01:17,173
You can't even take the trash out

1272
01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:19,926
for your girl,

1273
01:01:20,009 --> 01:01:23,262
yet you want to ask me
how I got the final fucking rose.

1274
01:01:23,346 --> 01:01:24,597
Wake up.

1275
01:01:24,681 --> 01:01:26,307
[audience applauding, cheering]

1276
01:01:26,391 --> 01:01:27,975
Wake up.

1277
01:01:35,274 --> 01:01:39,153
So it's like,
it is okay that your men are weak.

1278
01:01:40,446 --> 01:01:43,616
For me, how I grew up.
No, it's okay that your men are weak

1279
01:01:45,368 --> 01:01:47,453
and your women are disgusting.

1280
01:01:48,621 --> 01:01:50,248
Because I grew up in such a house.

1281
01:01:50,331 --> 01:01:51,791
I grew up in such a house.

1282
01:01:51,874 --> 01:01:53,292
I grew up without a father,

1283
01:01:53,376 --> 01:01:55,920
and my mother is
the most disgusting woman in America.

1284
01:01:56,003 --> 01:01:57,422
I wish it wasn't so.

1285
01:01:57,922 --> 01:01:59,549
I wish it wasn't so.

1286
01:02:00,091 --> 01:02:02,552
I had to find this out recently.
It's terrible.

1287
01:02:03,302 --> 01:02:05,930
My little sister got married in Vancouver.

1288
01:02:06,013 --> 01:02:07,473
Mazel Tov, mazel Tov.

1289
01:02:10,351 --> 01:02:12,812
And we just went out there,
we went out there for the wedding.

1290
01:02:13,312 --> 01:02:17,358
And a few days before the wedding,
we did a cute, like, a girls dinner.

1291
01:02:18,025 --> 01:02:20,570
Right? Like just me,
we went out a few days before,

1292
01:02:20,653 --> 01:02:24,490
just me, my four sisters,
and my mother, no guys allowed, right?

1293
01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:26,242
I also have five brothers.

1294
01:02:26,784 --> 01:02:29,746
Yeah, my mother has an enormous vagina
as you can imagine.

1295
01:02:30,329 --> 01:02:32,915
That's where I get mine from.
I'm very blessed.

1296
01:02:32,999 --> 01:02:34,333
[audience laughing, cheering]

1297
01:02:34,417 --> 01:02:36,544
I'm very blessed.
Thank you, sir, I do just fine.

1298
01:02:36,627 --> 01:02:37,837
I appreciate that.

1299
01:02:39,714 --> 01:02:43,176
And we get to this chain restaurant.
The dinner is off to a terrible start.

1300
01:02:43,259 --> 01:02:45,428
Okay, my little sister,
she gets back from the bathroom.

1301
01:02:45,511 --> 01:02:46,429
She's pissed off.

1302
01:02:46,512 --> 01:02:48,806
There was piss all over the seat.
She had to squat.

1303
01:02:49,307 --> 01:02:51,184
Disgusting. I was like,

1304
01:02:51,267 --> 01:02:54,395
"Well I don't have
the leg muscles to squat."

1305
01:02:55,229 --> 01:02:59,150
"So what I do when there's piss all over
the seat, the public bathroom, is

1306
01:02:59,233 --> 01:03:01,652
I gotta wipe it down.

1307
01:03:01,736 --> 01:03:03,070
I work there now.

1308
01:03:03,154 --> 01:03:05,156
[audience laughing]

1309
01:03:06,240 --> 01:03:07,784
Then I cover it, like,

1310
01:03:09,035 --> 01:03:13,331
two, three times due to my faith.

1311
01:03:13,414 --> 01:03:15,416
[audience laughing]

1312
01:03:16,000 --> 01:03:17,877
And then I relieve myself.

1313
01:03:20,087 --> 01:03:23,174
And it kind of ends up turning into, like,
a fun little game, like,

1314
01:03:23,257 --> 01:03:25,259
going around the table
with me and my sisters.

1315
01:03:25,343 --> 01:03:27,804
Like, "Hey, what do you do
when there's piss all over the seat?"

1316
01:03:27,887 --> 01:03:31,307
"Do you squat like her,
or do you wipe it down like me?"

1317
01:03:31,808 --> 01:03:34,393
And we get to my mother,
and she'd rather not share.

1318
01:03:34,477 --> 01:03:36,646
[audience groans]

1319
01:03:36,729 --> 01:03:39,607
[audience laughing]

1320
01:03:40,858 --> 01:03:42,443
She's shy about this shit.

1321
01:03:43,236 --> 01:03:46,280
And I'm like,
"Come on, Ma, we're having girl talk."

1322
01:03:46,364 --> 01:03:47,573
I check her.

1323
01:03:47,657 --> 01:03:49,784
[audience laughing]

1324
01:03:49,867 --> 01:03:51,869
"Come on, Ma, this is the share circle."

1325
01:03:52,453 --> 01:03:55,456
"Ma, what do you do
when there's piss all over the seat?"

1326
01:03:55,998 --> 01:04:00,753
"Do you squat like her,
or do you wipe it down like me?"

1327
01:04:01,254 --> 01:04:03,256
And she goes, "Oh, okay."

1328
01:04:04,382 --> 01:04:07,677
"I guess I sort of just lift the seat
and sit there."

1329
01:04:07,760 --> 01:04:10,638
[audience exclaims, laughs]

1330
01:04:13,975 --> 01:04:15,935
She sits on the bowl.

1331
01:04:16,018 --> 01:04:18,062
[audience laughing]

1332
01:04:19,355 --> 01:04:20,273
[coughs]

1333
01:04:20,356 --> 01:04:22,692
She raw dogs the bowl.

1334
01:04:22,775 --> 01:04:25,152
[audience laughing]

1335
01:04:29,407 --> 01:04:32,618
You ever accidentally sit on the bowl?
You're like, "I have AIDS." It's like--

1336
01:04:32,702 --> 01:04:34,245
[audience laughing]

1337
01:04:34,328 --> 01:04:36,914
Even if that's what this bitch does,

1338
01:04:37,748 --> 01:04:41,752
she just heard
the two only acceptable options.

1339
01:04:42,545 --> 01:04:45,631
You'd think she'd pick one
and use it going forward.

1340
01:04:46,549 --> 01:04:49,927
She's like, "No, I am
the most disgusting woman in America."

1341
01:04:50,678 --> 01:04:54,473
"And what I left out was I lick it first
just to make sure it's clean."

1342
01:04:54,557 --> 01:04:56,267
I am Robby Hoffman.

1343
01:04:56,350 --> 01:04:58,144
[audience applauding, cheering]

1344
01:04:58,227 --> 01:04:59,437
My…

1345
01:05:00,730 --> 01:05:03,649
Thank you so…

1346
01:05:03,733 --> 01:05:05,359
[cheering continues]

1347
01:05:05,443 --> 01:05:08,863
…so much, LA.

1348
01:05:13,326 --> 01:05:15,870
I knew I was saving
something special for you.

1349
01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:17,788
Thank you.

1350
01:05:17,872 --> 01:05:20,958
I'm Robby Hoffman.
Follow me on everything. My God.

1351
01:05:21,042 --> 01:05:22,877
[audience cheering]

1352
01:05:22,960 --> 01:05:25,796
["Kiss the Sun"
by Penguin Asylum, Adriana Stone playing]

1353
01:05:40,102 --> 01:05:43,648
♪ The picture still so fresh in my head ♪

1354
01:05:43,731 --> 01:05:47,360
♪ I was sleeping
With the sun on my chest ♪

1355
01:05:47,443 --> 01:05:50,905
♪ Reckless summers
When the time wouldn't pass ♪

1356
01:05:50,988 --> 01:05:54,367
♪ I couldn't care less
Until I got your text ♪

1357
01:05:54,450 --> 01:05:58,162
♪ So I could run to you ♪

1358
01:05:58,245 --> 01:06:01,832
♪ Sun on my head and you knew ♪

1359
01:06:01,916 --> 01:06:04,877
♪ That I was coming for you ♪

1360
01:06:04,961 --> 01:06:07,880
[electronic warble]