1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:26,776 -You okay? -Mm-hmm. 4 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,820 -Is this your first baby? -Mm-hmm. 5 00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:29,904 Okay. 6 00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:32,657 Here's the baby's heart beating. 7 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,160 This is the baby's abdomen. 8 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,287 Here's the right kidney, 9 00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:38,705 the left kidney, 10 00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:40,331 the spine, 11 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,417 the tailbone, the lumbar, 12 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,462 dorsal, shoulder, the elbow. 13 00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,798 The baby has a lot of room to move around. 14 00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:53,970 This is the baby's head. 15 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,599 This is the outline of the baby's skull, looking down on the top. 16 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,894 This is looking down into the brain. 17 00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:06,191 All the anatomy looks normal. The baby's the right size. 18 00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:09,778 Stomach, spine, bladder, kidneys, heart, 19 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:13,281 everything I can see on a baby this age all looks normal. 20 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:50,735 Hi, everybody. 21 00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:52,695 Hello. 22 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,907 Okay, we have a short amount of time together, so… 23 00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:58,868 I know a lot of you are graduating soon. 24 00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:02,872 And moving into the world, there's always a lot of unknown. 25 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:07,502 And this is a time where it feels like you need to look everywhere for advice. 26 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:11,631 And you need to look everywhere to understand how to go through your life. 27 00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:15,552 So I just want to remind you, remember that you're here. 28 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,680 And to look inward and to trust yourselves, 29 00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:23,226 because you have more answers in here than you think you do. 30 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:32,152 I feel scared. 31 00:02:34,612 --> 00:02:38,074 I didn't know that it was going to be this hard… 32 00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,786 learning all of this about myself. 33 00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:45,248 Do you have questions for me? 34 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,586 Yes. 35 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,839 But at some point, I just made the connection 36 00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:59,220 that it's dangerous to have curiosity or to ask questions. 37 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:00,305 Ten and one… 38 00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:01,848 People need to understand 39 00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:05,351 that some people experience the world in a different way. 40 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:10,023 But the incredible way that you perceive the world is amazing. 41 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,409 If dance was taken away from me, I wouldn't know myself. 42 00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:27,373 But that's why this changes everything. 43 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:28,499 Tell me more. 44 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:32,795 There's a change when you're actually able to acknowledge 45 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:38,426 and name experiences and feelings that you've been having forever. 46 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,013 It just makes it a lot more real. 47 00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:49,229 It's always felt like something just didn't add up. 48 00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:55,109 Everything just feels different now. 49 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,741 We see a challenge in three areas. 50 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:03,618 One is communication. 51 00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:04,869 One is socialization. 52 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:07,330 And one is repetitive and stereotyped behaviors. 53 00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:10,416 You really are hitting all of those three marks. 54 00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:12,919 And I have to see it over time, 55 00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:15,255 through your history and early development. 56 00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:21,177 There is a neurobiology to the way the person is 57 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,221 that starts very early in childhood 58 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:25,598 and really goes with you through a lifetime. 59 00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:30,603 And so you do meet the criteria for autism spectrum disorder. 60 00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:38,695 Autism spectrum disorder is a complex developmental condition 61 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:42,282 that involves persistent challenges in social interaction, 62 00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:47,912 speech, and nonverbal communication and restricted/repetitive behaviors. 63 00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:05,013 ASD is typically diagnosed in toddlerhood or early childhood. 64 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:12,061 The effect of ASD and the severity of symptoms are different in each person. 65 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:22,447 Do you have questions for me? 66 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:42,717 You need anything? 67 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:47,680 Just feels like… 68 00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:53,561 It feels relieving, in a way. 69 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,441 I can't imagine. 70 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,861 Today, I officially received 71 00:06:01,944 --> 00:06:06,949 my diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, Level 1. 72 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,576 "Requires support." 73 00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:10,703 Pack a bag. 74 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,497 Pack a bag? 75 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,916 -Yeah. -To go where? 76 00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,751 -For the journey. -Oh. 77 00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:19,003 I forget you don't like analogies. 78 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,255 That one went over my head. 79 00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:28,429 Yeah, I've had a lot of feelings. Like, I… 80 00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:34,227 I've felt like I don't trust my mind or my headspace in this weird way. 81 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,020 It's like, um… 82 00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:40,608 I'll read, um… traits 83 00:06:40,691 --> 00:06:44,404 of a person with autism or ASD Level 1, 84 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:48,908 and, you know, I feel like I'm reading about my life, 85 00:06:48,991 --> 00:06:52,870 and it feels so clear to me, and I identify so deeply. 86 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:57,875 And then the next moment I'll feel like I'm making it all up, or it's not real, 87 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:03,214 or like I'm looking for a, you know, quick fix or something. 88 00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:05,675 It's this weird head game I've been playing with myself. 89 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:09,846 But today I formally received, um, diagnosis. 90 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,516 So… I kinda can, like, take a breath 91 00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:17,687 and know, um… know myself. 92 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,690 I don't feel like I've ever really… 93 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:23,901 had the possibility or the opportunity to do that. 94 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:28,489 So it feels like a lot, but in a way, it… 95 00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:30,908 feels promising. 96 00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,785 And I'm feeling grateful 97 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:36,914 that I've had the opportunity to go through this process. 98 00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:38,624 So why are you afraid? 99 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:46,090 Participating in a documentary is my worst nightmare, 100 00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:51,888 having to communicate with someone 101 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,682 on, like, such a deep level, and… 102 00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:03,232 I trust Alex, but… I don't like to do things that I don't know how to do. 103 00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:05,485 But you know the answer 104 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:09,197 because all the things that you can do now you once didn't know how to do. 105 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:15,036 So what made you somehow… overcome those moments? 106 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,123 I'm like, "I don't know where I am." What's up? 107 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,125 -Good to meet you. -Nice to meet you. 108 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,377 -This is Ian. -Hey, Ian. I'm Alex. 109 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:26,631 Well, I believe this is the right thing to do. 110 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:30,843 So I'll just do it. 111 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,729 This is James. 112 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:46,317 -Wow, look at that. -Wow. He's giving it. 113 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,028 -He's serving it. -He's serving it up. 114 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,571 And then the legend herself. 115 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,698 -That picture… -That's my first recital. 116 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,450 -With the hand… -I know. 117 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,661 -Do you mind if I mic you? -Sure. 118 00:08:57,245 --> 00:09:01,749 Part of what is stressful to me is that I don't know how a documentary is made 119 00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:03,668 or how, like, you work, and… 120 00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:05,836 -You're also filming me. -I've been filming. 121 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,215 I'm just trying to capture stuff of just her kind of existing in space. 122 00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:11,384 And it's been awesome. 123 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:16,305 It's weird because every person I, like, encounter now 124 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,349 doesn't know this. 125 00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:22,728 So-- And then also to be thinking about filming all-- 126 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,106 Like, everything is just crazy. 127 00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:27,066 Everything is… 128 00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:30,111 Every day is like a day I haven't experienced yet. 129 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,114 You're gonna freak. 130 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,575 Wow, look at that. 131 00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:39,745 I have this courage 132 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:43,332 to do things in the name of dance 133 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:48,045 that, like, I would not be able to do as just Jenn. 134 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,590 -Like what we're doing right now. -Same. 135 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,217 And like a lot of things in my life 136 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:57,263 because at, like, the seed of every interaction 137 00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:01,559 or every opportunity or every job is, 138 00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:03,436 "No, I don't wanna do that." 139 00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:09,358 Like, it feels instantaneously a level of anxiety. 140 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,693 But I just do it anyways. 141 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,238 I'm exactly the same way. 142 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,450 -Um, this project, I think, is different. -Okay. 143 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,910 I'm honestly not really sure what it is yet. 144 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:24,332 Basically, my whole career revolves around what performance gives to the audience. 145 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,793 But I've always wanted to explore 146 00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,755 what performance actually gives back to the artists themselves. 147 00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:31,714 Totally. 148 00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:35,176 And that led me to movement-based psychotherapy, 149 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,595 which is just a very fancy way of saying 150 00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:40,389 "communication through dance when words fail." 151 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:44,560 -Totally. -This is something I struggle with. 152 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,229 -You were the first person I thought of. -Of course. 153 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:51,692 I realize it's been six years, but I reached out to you 154 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,363 because I've been following your career since we did that music video together. 155 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,325 I think it's fate that after all this time, 156 00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:02,328 I texted you on the same day you got your diagnosis. 157 00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:04,997 I still can't get over it. It's so bizarre. 158 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,958 I got home the night before from a trip to LA. 159 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:11,420 We have her session next morning. Boom, in comes the email. 160 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,632 -Yeah. -And then her session is just wild. 161 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:19,261 What was the draw to go into performing arts and to dance? 162 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,847 My answer before was that… 163 00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:28,312 I was just guided into it 164 00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:29,814 and fell in love with it. 165 00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:35,277 And… it feels like it's my purpose 166 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:38,364 and what I'm supposed to do with this life. 167 00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:40,866 And it's my talent. 168 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:43,369 And it's the way that I connect with people. 169 00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:48,457 And it's the way that I can help people. 170 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:53,629 But I just always had this feeling that I was guided 171 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:57,091 or being, like, guided through this life, 172 00:11:57,174 --> 00:12:00,052 which… I still do in a way, 173 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:04,348 but… I think I just really-- 174 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:08,602 I just became obsessed with dance, possibly just because I'm autistic. 175 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,771 And, like, it was… 176 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:13,482 It was helpful for me 177 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:18,654 in ways that I… am just now understanding. 178 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,365 Okay, let's see where this goes. 179 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,743 Maybe we ease into it, and I just shadow you. 180 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,328 -Okay. Okay. -And we see if anything comes from it. 181 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,205 Okay. Then, let's begin. 182 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:06,577 One, two, three, four, five, six… 183 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,626 And one, two. Ha, ha. 184 00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,381 Yes, Barry! Ha, ha. 185 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,342 Ha, ha. Hey! Hup! 186 00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:22,593 Five, six… 187 00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:25,763 Hey! Yes! 188 00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:29,642 Yes, go wide… 189 00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:31,727 All that space in your quadrant. 190 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,521 Yes. Yes. 191 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,481 Eyes here. Let me see you. 192 00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:38,067 In the beginning, it was just dance. 193 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,401 But it's been years… 194 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,070 Opening, it's flowering. 195 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,740 …since it stopped being that therapy for me. 196 00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:47,159 At some point, 197 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:50,788 dance started taking more from me than it was giving me. 198 00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:51,705 Yes! 199 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:54,208 As a human, when I'm watching you dance, 200 00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:57,545 if I can't find your eyes, 201 00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:00,005 I literally can't connect with you. 202 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,677 I found a way to make a living doing the thing I love, 203 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,345 but it's been a long time 204 00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:09,181 since I've been able to find the joy in moving. 205 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:12,852 But I'm still having this career that's happening simultaneously, 206 00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:15,729 but I'm not really finding the joy in it for myself. 207 00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:19,066 But I'm still showing up for my students. 208 00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:21,902 Yes! That's right. Let's go, guys. 209 00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:25,948 It's hard for me to find environments where I truly do love dancing now. 210 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:30,035 I can see how you have lost some of that. 211 00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:33,747 I'm really blessed that I can make a living doing the thing that I love, 212 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,541 but it's also kind of a curse, 213 00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:38,919 because you can lose the joy in the thing that you love. 214 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,349 We come down hard. All right? 215 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,810 We come down hard, because that's how we're trained 216 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,979 and that's what we really want to do. 217 00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,355 Yes, I'm disciplined, 218 00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:02,401 but I love seeing effort in dance. 219 00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:06,488 I don't like it to look too easy or too perfect or too polished. 220 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,700 I like seeing that, especially in women. 221 00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:16,165 I wanna see the power behind what you're doing, and the effort. 222 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,541 But it's hard. 223 00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:24,673 This place has been iconic to me. 224 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,092 I grew up in Idaho in the middle of nowhere, 225 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:30,804 and I used to, like, see Steps in dance magazines, and I would-- 226 00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:33,974 Like, this studio. This studio. 227 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:37,770 And I just wanted-- Like, I wanted to be here so bad. 228 00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:40,898 And the fact that I'm here with you 229 00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:45,653 and so many familiar faces that I've known for years and years, 230 00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:48,072 I feel so grateful. 231 00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,573 -You guys are-- -We love you! 232 00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,135 Five, six, seven, eight… 233 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:20,229 Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period, 234 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,314 but may not become fully manifest 235 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:25,859 until social demands exceed limited capacities, 236 00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:29,863 or may be masked by learned strategies in later life. 237 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:34,785 How do I know 238 00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:38,872 When it's overload? 239 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,000 Jennifer! 240 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,668 -Hi! -Say hi! 241 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,129 -Okay, go! -Hi! 242 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:46,422 Just look. 243 00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,466 -Yeah, come on. -Hi! 244 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:54,430 This is the way I was my face early in the morning… 245 00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,265 What in the world is wrong with you? 246 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:08,152 Saying hello from my favorite place on planet Earth. 247 00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:09,445 My happy place. 248 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:14,324 I love it here. 249 00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:20,456 It's like… one o'clock, on a Tuesday, in the afternoon. 250 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,708 And this is my second bath today. 251 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:25,377 Just one of those days. 252 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,273 What do you feel? 253 00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,610 What do you feel? 254 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:55,657 What do you feel? 255 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,619 Stimming is anything that you do with your body 256 00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:01,789 to be able to get yourself to a regulated place. 257 00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:05,793 What do you feel? 258 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,588 Anything that is bringing about regulation for that person 259 00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:12,508 is really a stimulatory kind of behavior. 260 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:13,425 Nice toes. 261 00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:15,260 When you were younger, 262 00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:19,098 I think that you were self-stimming when you were twirling. 263 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:21,308 And your parents called it dancing. 264 00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:23,769 Huh? 265 00:18:23,852 --> 00:18:25,813 Finish dancing your dance. 266 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:44,081 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. 267 00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:46,583 Five, six, seven, eight. 268 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:51,547 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 269 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:55,175 Could you move your hips any faster? 270 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:59,680 Ha! 271 00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,431 -There you go. -Nice. 272 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:02,432 Drop. 273 00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:03,433 Now other side. 274 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,726 Beautiful. 275 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:09,022 Step! Step, step, five! Step, five! Kick, kick, five! 276 00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:19,158 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 277 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,493 Okay? You wanna try it with music? 278 00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,370 One, two. 279 00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:26,498 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 280 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:30,210 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 281 00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:33,755 Hyper- or hypo-reactivity to sensory input 282 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,885 or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment. 283 00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:41,180 Apparent indifference to pain or temperature. 284 00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:45,017 Adverse response to specific sounds or textures. 285 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,395 Excessive smelling or touching of objects. 286 00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:51,565 Visual fascination with lights or movement. 287 00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:53,275 Feel good? 288 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,904 -Yeah. -What feels good about dragging it? 289 00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:01,366 Just like… my human instinct just wants to do this. 290 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:05,162 The vibration in my hand and the sound. 291 00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:06,663 I feel bound. 292 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:12,794 There's so many manifestations of social challenges. 293 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,088 There's so many manifestations of sensory issues. 294 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:20,302 Happy birthday, dear Jennifer 295 00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:27,976 Is it too bright? 296 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,771 The visuals, sound, texture… 297 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:38,362 -Sorry. Wipe it on your pants. -Uh-uh! 298 00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:40,197 -Oh, Jennifer, stop it. -Yuck! 299 00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,367 -Yucky! -Just go back to the car. 300 00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:45,869 It's a lot to process. 301 00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,121 -You doing all right, Jenn? -It's too much. 302 00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,833 I literally, like, shut down. I feel crazy. 303 00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,128 That's why you should let me continue to shop-- 304 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:58,840 No, but I wanted to try to have fun and pick out stuff together. 305 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:02,761 It was like lightning in my eyes. Like, it was like flashes. 306 00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:04,429 This, like, bright light. 307 00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:07,099 Literally, it felt like my brain was breaking. 308 00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,767 Like, permanently. 309 00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:10,686 It's very overwhelming. 310 00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:15,899 I think that your sensory system right now has been on overload for so long. 311 00:21:18,193 --> 00:21:20,445 It's important for you to come up with ways to cope. 312 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:22,197 Sorry that it hurts… 313 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,700 But that's not always healthy for you. 314 00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:26,910 It's what you need in that moment 315 00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:30,038 to be able to soothe and to deal and to process. 316 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:32,874 -What? -Having really heavy beer cravings. 317 00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:36,420 It's bad. It's 'cause I started drinking when I was fuckin' 13. 318 00:21:36,503 --> 00:21:39,298 Binge-drinking. It's in my DNA. It sucks. 319 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,507 I understand. 320 00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:42,759 So much 321 00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:44,011 Pour me one too, babe. 322 00:21:44,594 --> 00:21:48,098 When things are too heightened or things are not patterning out 323 00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:50,517 the way that makes sense for someone like you, 324 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,186 the world is gonna be challenging and hard to be in. 325 00:21:58,358 --> 00:22:03,071 As an adult, you basically just stop stimming… 326 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,448 Get it out, buddy. 327 00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:08,243 Burn it out. It's okay. Let it hit you where it needs to hit you. 328 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,413 Because it makes other people feel uncomfortable. 329 00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:13,832 Or you feel judged. 330 00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:16,835 And that's why having the ability to regulate, 331 00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:22,341 to refuel, and to be able to balance in a very healthy way is very important. 332 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:24,760 I disguised my stimming as dancing. 333 00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:28,930 My hands 334 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:33,268 My hands… 335 00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,438 Find the balance, find the middle, 336 00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:38,231 find where you need to be. 337 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:43,111 Or also just to cocoon and just be in a space that felt safe. 338 00:22:43,987 --> 00:22:46,073 Yeah, I did that a lot when I was younger. 339 00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:49,117 Like, make little nooks for myself. 340 00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:52,287 And that can be a place where you find a lot of solace 341 00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:53,789 and a lot of comfort. 342 00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:56,958 Being out in nature is very soothing, 343 00:22:57,042 --> 00:23:01,254 so you would wanna go into those spaces for long periods of time and just be. 344 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,552 -Ready? -Yep! 345 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:08,678 Whoo! 346 00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,555 So pretty. What do you think? 347 00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:11,598 I love it. 348 00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:12,682 I love it too. 349 00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,394 -I love you. -I love you, buddy. 350 00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,790 Tune out the whole world. 351 00:23:48,343 --> 00:23:52,055 -Is that the arm or the hip? What is that? -It's all fucked, doesn't matter. 352 00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:54,057 Was it a sports-related injury you had? 353 00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,517 Yeah. I'm a dancer. 354 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,811 -Dr. Borowski will be in in a few. -Okay. 355 00:23:58,478 --> 00:24:00,897 These are too small for me. 356 00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:03,984 -Too small. I need bigger ones. -Let me see your butt. 357 00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:05,861 -Turn around. -No. 358 00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:08,155 Let's play the nurse-doctor fantasy. 359 00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:09,072 No, thank you. 360 00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,243 -Is she broken? -Is my career over? 361 00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:17,164 Pull this knee towards my hand. 362 00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:18,331 That's… Whoa! 363 00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:19,749 Yeah. 364 00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:23,295 -Okay, so… -Anything lifting my leg is bad. 365 00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:24,212 Okay. 366 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,673 I was able to dance through it. Everything was fine. 367 00:24:26,756 --> 00:24:29,342 -As she always does, though. -Right. Of course. 368 00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:32,971 At this point in my life, all you're doing is dancing through pain. 369 00:24:33,054 --> 00:24:34,848 You've got a couple things going on. 370 00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:38,727 So your hip flexor does certainly seem to be all fired up. 371 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:41,771 What I would say is that, actually, let's get the MRI now. 372 00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:45,734 I wanna do it to make sure we're not dealing with a stress reaction. 373 00:24:46,902 --> 00:24:49,654 If this becomes a situation, she has Martha Graham coming up. 374 00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:53,074 On top of everything I'm doing, I have nationals coming up. 375 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:58,079 -Let's do physical therapy… -Classes have 250 to 400 people… 376 00:25:01,124 --> 00:25:03,126 It's gonna be a lot. 377 00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:11,259 Insistence on sameness. 378 00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:15,555 Inflexible adherence to routines. 379 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:20,018 Or ritualized patterns or verbal/nonverbal behavior. 380 00:25:20,101 --> 00:25:27,108 Take me home 381 00:25:29,402 --> 00:25:30,529 What you thinking? 382 00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:32,948 I'm thinking this is not interesting. 383 00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:34,241 What are you filming? 384 00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:39,496 I think it's interesting. 385 00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:40,997 Pack. 386 00:25:41,873 --> 00:25:44,251 I'm not fun to watch, you know. 387 00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:45,961 Wanna bring James? 388 00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:46,962 I wish. 389 00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:49,881 Jenn's packing, and she's not happy. 390 00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:52,968 What are you thinking? 391 00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:03,270 She's not winning at this moment. 392 00:26:08,191 --> 00:26:11,736 For you, it's very hard to know what to do, 393 00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:15,699 where to begin, how to interact, how to have a conversation, 394 00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:19,536 how to understand someone else's perspective, emotionally. 395 00:26:19,619 --> 00:26:23,290 You are having to process each and every person, 396 00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,417 each and every person's emotions, 397 00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:27,294 each and every person's backstory, 398 00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,796 reading the room and reading what's happening. 399 00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:32,591 And it is very challenging when you think about 400 00:26:32,674 --> 00:26:36,094 how much someone has to cognitively unpackage something. 401 00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:41,474 And for you, the pressures are quite a few in social situations. 402 00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:42,601 They're many. 403 00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:56,531 Your call has been forwarded 404 00:26:56,615 --> 00:26:58,158 to an automatic voice message system. 405 00:26:58,241 --> 00:27:00,327 You've reached Alex. Leave a message. 406 00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:07,000 Yeah, Alex… 407 00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:09,836 I'm here, teaching classes, 408 00:27:11,254 --> 00:27:15,342 but I don't know what the disconnect with my body is. 409 00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:20,889 One of the reasons I love movement so much is because it's fleeting. 410 00:27:20,972 --> 00:27:22,766 Once it comes out, it's done. 411 00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:27,896 I'm happier when I'm moving more. 412 00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:31,775 But literally, the last thing I wanna do is move. 413 00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:35,904 So, yeah, I don't-- I don't know what's happening. 414 00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:40,283 All right, dancers, come out onto the floor if you're taking class. 415 00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:46,247 How am I supposed to motivate these kids if I can't even motivate myself? 416 00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:48,875 What time are you getting here? 417 00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,511 Told you you're not allowed to film me while I'm sleeping. 418 00:27:59,594 --> 00:28:03,515 Well, you're awake. 419 00:28:04,140 --> 00:28:05,600 Good night. 420 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:06,685 Bye. 421 00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:09,896 You have to do a dance in front of the window 'cause the shot's good. 422 00:28:09,979 --> 00:28:10,855 Like… 423 00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:13,733 I can see your silhouette like Beyoncé. 424 00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:14,901 If only. 425 00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:17,612 -I always request a bathtub. -Uh-huh. 426 00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:20,407 That's why I got put back in this building because I think-- 427 00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:23,201 -It's a bathtub building? -It's a bathtub building. 428 00:28:23,284 --> 00:28:25,870 I was having panic attacks last night. 429 00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,748 Which is so dumb because I'm prepared. Like… 430 00:28:28,832 --> 00:28:31,000 And I've been doing this for over a decade. 431 00:28:31,084 --> 00:28:33,086 -Yeah. -But it just never get-- 432 00:28:33,169 --> 00:28:35,714 To me, it gets just harder. It doesn't get easier. 433 00:28:35,797 --> 00:28:37,716 -Really, why? -Yeah, I don't know. 434 00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:39,050 I guess, like… 435 00:28:39,676 --> 00:28:42,345 I don't know. It just doesn't get easier. 'Cause I feel like-- 436 00:28:42,846 --> 00:28:44,389 More is expected from you? 437 00:28:44,472 --> 00:28:46,433 Not expected, but like… 438 00:28:48,268 --> 00:28:51,396 I'm like never getting to a place where I'm phoning it in. 439 00:28:51,479 --> 00:28:54,149 I'm still trying to do new things all the time. 440 00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:55,650 -Yeah. -So… 441 00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:58,403 -But do you want to phone it in? -No. 442 00:28:59,112 --> 00:29:00,739 Let's just… 443 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:02,615 Let's take a breath together. 444 00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:07,287 Exhale. 445 00:29:07,370 --> 00:29:12,083 And just take a moment to remember why you are here. 446 00:29:14,669 --> 00:29:16,880 Are you sober? 447 00:29:16,963 --> 00:29:17,881 Whoa. 448 00:29:18,673 --> 00:29:20,592 -I am actually, yeah. -Yeah. 449 00:29:20,675 --> 00:29:23,553 -Um, about three years. -Yeah. 450 00:29:24,179 --> 00:29:25,805 Why did you stop drinking? 451 00:29:26,723 --> 00:29:27,766 I needed to. 452 00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:33,730 I really want to see you step inside of the movement. 453 00:29:33,813 --> 00:29:37,609 Produce the movement from the inside out, make it yours from the top. 454 00:29:37,692 --> 00:29:41,112 I want to be sober, but I'm struggling with it. 455 00:29:41,196 --> 00:29:43,531 I want you to be generous with your approach 456 00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:45,533 and generous with your spirit. 457 00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:48,286 Don't worry about you right now. Let's affect the others. 458 00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:49,412 Does that make sense? 459 00:29:49,496 --> 00:29:52,624 And realizing that I really started drinking in college 460 00:29:52,707 --> 00:29:56,753 when I was forced to, like, be part of more social community. 461 00:29:56,836 --> 00:29:58,671 Ugh. Exactly. 462 00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:02,467 So I've always really relied on it to, like, help me. 463 00:30:02,550 --> 00:30:03,384 Me too. 464 00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:05,470 It's far better without, 465 00:30:06,429 --> 00:30:09,140 but it is not easier. 466 00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:12,101 Yeah. It's been back and forth for me too. 467 00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,313 And I just feel like I want to be done. 468 00:30:15,396 --> 00:30:16,231 Yeah. 469 00:30:16,898 --> 00:30:17,982 I want to be done. 470 00:30:18,733 --> 00:30:21,694 Five, six, seven. Here we go. 471 00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:24,572 One, two, three, four. 472 00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:25,949 Back, 473 00:30:26,032 --> 00:30:27,450 forward, again. 474 00:30:28,785 --> 00:30:30,036 Three, four. 475 00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:31,162 Back, 476 00:30:31,704 --> 00:30:33,081 forward, again. 477 00:30:33,164 --> 00:30:35,625 It's so much more than just the movement. 478 00:30:35,708 --> 00:30:37,335 I like seeing the fight. 479 00:30:37,418 --> 00:30:38,753 Forward. Again. 480 00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:42,715 Three, four. Back. 481 00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:44,425 Forward, again. 482 00:30:45,218 --> 00:30:47,262 How long have you been working together? 483 00:30:47,345 --> 00:30:49,264 Ten years, 11 years. 484 00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:50,348 Again. 485 00:30:50,431 --> 00:30:52,225 I've known Tay since she was 12. 486 00:30:52,308 --> 00:30:53,935 -And how old are you now? -24. 487 00:30:54,018 --> 00:30:56,271 I've been making dances on her since she was 12. 488 00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:57,480 Yeah. Three. 489 00:30:57,564 --> 00:31:01,150 That's it. There's something about your focus. It's everything here. 490 00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:04,112 Three, four. 491 00:31:04,195 --> 00:31:05,530 Back, 492 00:31:05,613 --> 00:31:06,948 forward, again. 493 00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:09,784 One, two, three, four. 494 00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:10,952 Back, 495 00:31:11,035 --> 00:31:12,579 forward, again. 496 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:15,415 Three, four. 497 00:31:15,498 --> 00:31:18,209 Back, forward, again. 498 00:31:18,293 --> 00:31:22,088 One, two, three, four. Back… 499 00:31:22,171 --> 00:31:24,674 Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment 500 00:31:24,757 --> 00:31:26,843 in social, occupational, 501 00:31:26,926 --> 00:31:29,721 or other important areas of current functioning. 502 00:31:29,804 --> 00:31:32,348 One, two, three, four. 503 00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:35,435 Back, forward, again. 504 00:31:36,853 --> 00:31:40,690 Three, four. Back, forward, again. 505 00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:44,402 One, two, three, four, five… 506 00:31:44,485 --> 00:31:45,820 Jenn, you okay, honey? 507 00:31:45,904 --> 00:31:47,113 …eight… 508 00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:51,159 -Do you not want to go to rehearsal today? -No, I do. I just… 509 00:31:52,035 --> 00:31:53,870 I feel a little crazy. 510 00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:57,790 What's making you feel crazy, honey? 511 00:31:58,458 --> 00:31:59,792 I'm not sure. 512 00:32:04,839 --> 00:32:07,717 It's okay to just have a panicky day sometimes. 513 00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:27,403 The panic attacks seem to be happening a lot more. 514 00:32:28,154 --> 00:32:30,657 And right out the gate in the beginning of the day, 515 00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:35,244 so we laid on the couch for a few minutes and tried to get her to breathe. 516 00:32:36,079 --> 00:32:37,580 Drew her a bath. 517 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:42,043 Danced around in my underwear a little bit. 518 00:32:42,126 --> 00:32:45,505 Tried to just shock her brain from that terrible sight. 519 00:32:46,047 --> 00:32:49,175 That got some laughs, but it-- You know, it's not lasting. 520 00:32:49,258 --> 00:32:50,343 What do you feel? 521 00:32:50,927 --> 00:32:52,971 I feel out of control. 522 00:32:53,054 --> 00:32:55,723 My emotions come so much faster than my words. 523 00:32:55,807 --> 00:32:57,225 -Yes. -That's what's hard. 524 00:32:57,308 --> 00:32:58,309 Yes. 525 00:32:58,393 --> 00:33:02,480 You're not recognizing that all of this is going on internally, 526 00:33:02,563 --> 00:33:07,151 and you're pushing yourself to the extent that then it comes out, 527 00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:08,861 and you're like, "What is all of this?" 528 00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:12,115 But this has always been. It's just not been talked about. 529 00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:13,282 -Yeah. -Yeah. 530 00:33:13,366 --> 00:33:15,868 -And I can't tell what the emotion is. -Yeah. 531 00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,746 It's just, like… large. 532 00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:28,297 I think it's just too much. 533 00:33:28,381 --> 00:33:29,757 I don't know how she does it. 534 00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:50,570 It hurts. 535 00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:12,759 It hurts to breathe. 536 00:34:19,474 --> 00:34:21,392 Little bit of a pinch, okay? 537 00:34:24,812 --> 00:34:26,439 Good job, babe. Good job. 538 00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:28,649 So Jenn's had an autoimmune flare-up, 539 00:34:28,733 --> 00:34:31,277 which has revealed that she has gallstones. 540 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,988 Now we have to have emergency surgery to have them removed. 541 00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:35,948 So, she's pretty, uh… 542 00:34:36,032 --> 00:34:37,867 She's hit pretty hard right now. 543 00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:44,665 We'll come down. 544 00:34:53,299 --> 00:34:56,511 This one is not under your control. 545 00:34:57,095 --> 00:35:00,181 So I'm headed up to White Plains for Alex 546 00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:03,017 because he is in the ER right now up at White Plains, 547 00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:06,729 and Miguel, his husband, is out of town for work. 548 00:35:07,313 --> 00:35:10,983 And so… I'm gonna go up, make sure he's okay. 549 00:35:12,443 --> 00:35:13,277 Hi. 550 00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:15,113 What a pair. 551 00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:18,366 -Hey. -Yeah. 552 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,410 -Hey. -What's going on? 553 00:35:21,994 --> 00:35:24,664 I am in the hospital too. 554 00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:26,666 Whoo! 555 00:35:26,749 --> 00:35:29,001 I would've been there, had I not been sliced open. 556 00:35:29,085 --> 00:35:30,294 That is absolutely true. 557 00:35:31,504 --> 00:35:33,422 I just got to Alex's house. 558 00:35:35,258 --> 00:35:37,176 Um, got him situated. 559 00:35:37,260 --> 00:35:39,262 He's being admitted to the hospital. 560 00:35:39,345 --> 00:35:42,181 Well, he is admitted to the hospital. 561 00:35:42,682 --> 00:35:43,558 Um… 562 00:35:44,267 --> 00:35:45,601 Running some brain MRIs. 563 00:35:45,685 --> 00:35:48,604 He's definitely not himself right now. 564 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,983 Uh, I definitely think it's more than, uh, burnout. 565 00:35:53,734 --> 00:35:55,486 I'm pretty sure he's afraid. 566 00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:58,823 And I know Miguel is rushing to get back here tomorrow. 567 00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:03,244 And on the heels of Jenn, 568 00:36:03,786 --> 00:36:07,623 and that scary, uh, gallbladder procedure that just had to happen, 569 00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:11,002 it's like all the people in my life that mean the most to me 570 00:36:11,085 --> 00:36:12,837 are really going through it. 571 00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:16,507 -Do you want to see my cuts? -Of course I do. 572 00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:19,802 They pulled it, the gallbladder, out of this. 573 00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:22,138 -Oh, interesting. -You look gorgeous. 574 00:36:24,473 --> 00:36:25,308 No. 575 00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:27,977 Not us both in the hospital in the same week. 576 00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:30,396 I just wanted to see your guys' faces, 'cause it-- 577 00:36:30,479 --> 00:36:35,651 We've all had some really tough weeks, and Ian is, you know, mama bear. 578 00:36:37,361 --> 00:36:39,030 How are you doing? How you feeling? 579 00:36:39,113 --> 00:36:40,907 Went to reload yesterday and today. 580 00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:47,205 I'm just doing some really light movement, but I'm just walking, basically. 581 00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:49,999 That's funny, we were literally in the same position, 582 00:36:50,082 --> 00:36:53,753 because I'm just trying to walk in straight lines. 583 00:36:53,836 --> 00:36:55,213 -Buddy. -I'll go over… 584 00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:56,464 What's going on? 585 00:36:56,547 --> 00:37:00,843 Well, I have, um, this thing called-- Do-- What was it called, Ian? 586 00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:02,178 Guillain-Barré. 587 00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:04,513 Guillain-Barré, sounds beautiful. 588 00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:08,851 So it's like your autoimmune response goes into overdrive 589 00:37:08,935 --> 00:37:13,064 and attacks your nerve cells that talk to your muscles to move. 590 00:37:13,147 --> 00:37:15,274 It's like your proprioception is off. 591 00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:19,570 Yeah, I have no idea what that word means, but yes. 592 00:37:19,654 --> 00:37:22,865 Your body's going like, "Fuck this, we're going to attack everything." 593 00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:23,950 Overreacting. 594 00:37:24,033 --> 00:37:26,369 It can really be paralytic. 595 00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:30,581 And as you know, we're always talking about mind-body connection. 596 00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:33,251 It kind of puts all that kind of stuff in perspective, 597 00:37:33,334 --> 00:37:37,088 because you really got to figure out what's important to you 598 00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:38,089 and make it happen. 599 00:37:38,172 --> 00:37:40,258 -Yeah. -While you still can. 600 00:37:40,341 --> 00:37:41,592 Absolutely. 601 00:37:47,139 --> 00:37:49,308 Yeah, keep going. 602 00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:51,769 Love that. 603 00:37:54,063 --> 00:37:58,484 Growing up, I always felt a little on the outside of my own family 604 00:37:58,567 --> 00:38:00,695 or a little misunderstood. 605 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:06,409 That's why my chosen family now means so much to me. 606 00:38:06,492 --> 00:38:08,411 We've just known each other for so long. 607 00:38:09,161 --> 00:38:10,454 -Where are you going? -Up. 608 00:38:10,538 --> 00:38:12,248 -How high? -Real high. 609 00:38:13,791 --> 00:38:16,294 Six, seven, and an eight, we go. 610 00:38:17,086 --> 00:38:20,423 That joy, I think that the more that you allow yourself 611 00:38:20,506 --> 00:38:24,468 to kind of get back into what brings you pleasure in your field, 612 00:38:24,552 --> 00:38:26,595 and you'll find that joy again. 613 00:38:30,057 --> 00:38:31,976 Find the things that you love about it, 614 00:38:32,059 --> 00:38:33,978 talk to the people that fill you up, 615 00:38:34,061 --> 00:38:36,230 and surround yourself with those people 616 00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:40,151 and try to have fun and find the fun in what you do again. 617 00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:48,951 Wow. 618 00:38:50,077 --> 00:38:54,665 Yeah, I mean, that's a lot to take in. 619 00:38:55,791 --> 00:38:57,626 Are you gonna be okay? 620 00:38:57,710 --> 00:38:58,711 Always. 621 00:38:59,670 --> 00:39:01,839 -I'm sorry. -It's okay. 622 00:39:01,922 --> 00:39:03,716 -It's how it goes. -Yeah. 623 00:39:04,508 --> 00:39:07,178 Can't feel the ups if you don't feel the downs. 624 00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:12,475 Do you feel the need to give inspirational quotes right now? 625 00:39:12,558 --> 00:39:13,559 Yeah. 626 00:39:13,642 --> 00:39:15,978 What other quotes do you think people should know? 627 00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:19,106 You know… 628 00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:21,692 I've always thought, and this is an original idea… 629 00:39:24,987 --> 00:39:28,491 Be the change that you wish to see in the world. 630 00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:31,911 -Wow. That's deep. -Yeah. 631 00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:37,249 Be the change you wish to see in the world. 632 00:39:42,922 --> 00:39:47,426 If movement is what tells your stories and tells your emotions, 633 00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:50,054 I think that's where you need to be right now. 634 00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,891 I know… what to do. 635 00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:59,397 It feels like I have a message to share, 636 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,857 which is why I know that my dancing is still there. 637 00:40:02,608 --> 00:40:04,485 Your dance is absolutely with you. 638 00:40:06,153 --> 00:40:09,824 So that tells you a lot about what you need to do for yourself. 639 00:40:18,749 --> 00:40:20,918 I've always understood the world around me 640 00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:23,963 and my place in it by making dance. 641 00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:26,841 I've learned so much. 642 00:40:29,552 --> 00:40:31,679 I wanna share it with the world. 643 00:40:33,055 --> 00:40:34,890 It's time to make something. 644 00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:37,768 You'll find that joy again. 645 00:40:39,854 --> 00:40:40,771 Let's begin. 646 00:40:41,355 --> 00:40:46,902 You got this in the bag Literally in the bag, you're loving it 647 00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:51,365 All the possibilities are endless 648 00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:52,366 What are they? 649 00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:53,409 Endless! 650 00:40:53,492 --> 00:40:55,327 -Who are we? Perfect. -Perfect 651 00:40:55,411 --> 00:40:58,539 We are perfect people In a perfect space 652 00:40:58,622 --> 00:41:02,626 And we honor it With such grace and grace 653 00:41:02,710 --> 00:41:07,590 And we boop, boop, boop, boo! 654 00:41:07,715 --> 00:41:09,133 All right! 655 00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:14,180 Everything that you bring is magic and beautiful and meant to be. 656 00:41:14,263 --> 00:41:16,223 Thank you for all saying yes. 657 00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:18,684 Let's make a show. 658 00:41:18,767 --> 00:41:20,686 Yeah. 659 00:41:20,769 --> 00:41:26,984 Do you have any interest in telling this group how you realized? 660 00:41:27,067 --> 00:41:30,196 When I realized that this is me, 661 00:41:30,279 --> 00:41:34,575 I was completely uneducated… about autism, 662 00:41:35,075 --> 00:41:36,702 a hundred percent uneducated. 663 00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:38,871 I think most of you know the story, 664 00:41:38,954 --> 00:41:41,832 but I realized I might be autistic 665 00:41:41,916 --> 00:41:45,377 while watching Alex's docu-series about Amy Schumer. 666 00:41:46,795 --> 00:41:50,341 Uh, following Amy's pregnancy, creation of a comedy special, 667 00:41:50,424 --> 00:41:54,386 but there was a sidebar in the film about Amy's husband, Chris. 668 00:41:54,470 --> 00:42:00,434 And in the film, he ends up receiving a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. 669 00:42:01,644 --> 00:42:05,856 The way it was shown in the documentary was so-- Just suddenly. 670 00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:07,441 She loved this amazing guy. 671 00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:09,652 There was a disconnect in the way they communicated. 672 00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,070 So they went to a doctor. 673 00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:14,323 And it was when I was watching this episode 674 00:42:14,406 --> 00:42:17,743 that I had the epiphany that I too was autistic. 675 00:42:17,826 --> 00:42:21,080 I had never thought this about myself before. 676 00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:25,334 It was when I was watching… you speak 677 00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:29,129 and then, like, the way that your family was speaking about you. 678 00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:31,423 I still-- I don't know what it was. 679 00:42:31,507 --> 00:42:36,637 And I was like, "I really relate to whatever is happening." 680 00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:41,308 They identify that you're different, but then they don't ever tell you that. 681 00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:47,606 If you're with someone on the spectrum, you have to… love that about them. 682 00:42:47,690 --> 00:42:49,567 The way that I found out about myself 683 00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:52,444 was because someone else had the courage to share their story. 684 00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:54,280 That's why I want to make this show. 685 00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:55,906 I remember the moment I realized, 686 00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:59,410 and it literally felt like the world just cracked open. 687 00:42:59,493 --> 00:43:02,288 I think in most realizations you feel-- 688 00:43:02,371 --> 00:43:03,831 In something that huge, 689 00:43:03,914 --> 00:43:08,210 is that you feel the world coming down on you, 690 00:43:08,294 --> 00:43:10,921 but you felt the world cracking open. 691 00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:13,048 And I think there's something really beautiful 692 00:43:13,132 --> 00:43:19,263 about needing to feel like what you feel and the way you see is real, 693 00:43:19,930 --> 00:43:21,724 and that "It is my brain." 694 00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:27,313 An actual trait of autism, especially Level 1, is masking. 695 00:43:27,396 --> 00:43:29,732 It just goes hand in hand. Um… 696 00:43:29,815 --> 00:43:34,737 This idea that, like, you're not "allowed" to exist as your real self. 697 00:43:34,820 --> 00:43:39,617 So you make a habit of, like, starting to mask different aspects of yourself. 698 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:43,287 And over time it builds and builds and builds to a point where, like, 699 00:43:43,370 --> 00:43:46,874 you don't even consciously realize that you're doing it. 700 00:43:47,374 --> 00:43:50,336 Once you realize you're doing it and you have the desire to stop, 701 00:43:50,419 --> 00:43:52,004 it's nearly impossible. 702 00:43:52,087 --> 00:43:55,424 And also like this idea of knowing who you are 703 00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:59,637 underneath all of that also feels impossible. 704 00:44:01,305 --> 00:44:04,600 We have footage going all the way back to Jenn's ultrasound. 705 00:44:04,683 --> 00:44:06,602 Her father filmed everything. 706 00:44:06,685 --> 00:44:09,021 Can you tell me about what you're putting together? 707 00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:12,066 It's hard to explain. 708 00:44:12,566 --> 00:44:16,695 Trying to build this analysis environment of Jenn's diagnosis, 709 00:44:16,779 --> 00:44:21,200 an expression of how she survived through movement 710 00:44:21,283 --> 00:44:24,953 and how she created a lot of her vocabulary 711 00:44:25,037 --> 00:44:29,416 through her stimming, her tics, her anxieties. 712 00:44:29,500 --> 00:44:33,003 When I was little, I loved the way it felt when I was dizzy. 713 00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:35,673 It made everything disappear, literally. 714 00:44:36,298 --> 00:44:38,133 So it's an analysis of an evolution 715 00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:41,845 of a movement vocabulary she didn't realize she was making. 716 00:44:43,180 --> 00:44:47,726 It's almost like I make the movement from an instinctual place, 717 00:44:47,810 --> 00:44:50,062 and then I'm able to look back on it 718 00:44:50,145 --> 00:44:52,564 and understand what I was feeling at the time. 719 00:44:55,442 --> 00:44:59,405 What you did is took dance and made that your way of regulating 720 00:44:59,488 --> 00:45:02,783 from when you were little and you flapped your hands and you'd spin. 721 00:45:02,866 --> 00:45:05,160 -Twirl! -They became very positive. 722 00:45:05,244 --> 00:45:07,871 So I think dance connected you in so many ways 723 00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:12,668 to people in the dance world that said, "Yeah, come on, we wanna be your friend," 724 00:45:12,751 --> 00:45:15,504 because you were so into what they were into. 725 00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:18,006 Spin me! 726 00:45:18,090 --> 00:45:21,135 That's what's been so powerful for me to think about. 727 00:45:21,218 --> 00:45:23,011 When I was doing those things, 728 00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:25,264 people said that I was dancing. 729 00:45:25,347 --> 00:45:27,474 That repetition of movement really connected you. 730 00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:30,686 And I think in your dance, that's communication, 731 00:45:30,769 --> 00:45:34,815 and it's connected you with so many people 'cause you don't have to use your words. 732 00:45:34,898 --> 00:45:36,984 You can use your body to say something. 733 00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:40,779 You're an individual person looking at other individuals 734 00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:43,907 that have an easier time at socially relating, 735 00:45:43,991 --> 00:45:46,952 but they don't see the world in the beautiful way you do. 736 00:45:47,035 --> 00:45:49,913 There's something to celebrate but not see in a negative light, 737 00:45:49,997 --> 00:45:51,290 because they're really beautiful. 738 00:45:51,373 --> 00:45:52,791 Dr. Kim… 739 00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:55,794 -I know. She… -Can we just talk about Dr. Kim? 740 00:45:55,878 --> 00:45:58,255 That is beautifully said to reassure 741 00:45:58,338 --> 00:46:01,341 someone who has new information 742 00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:04,511 that may literally shift the trajectory of her life. 743 00:46:07,681 --> 00:46:10,517 Oh! 744 00:46:10,601 --> 00:46:12,603 -There we go. -Perfection. 745 00:46:14,605 --> 00:46:20,194 Sonya, she's been a constant in my career and my life. 746 00:46:20,944 --> 00:46:25,824 There's no part of this piece that exists without the two of us coming together. 747 00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:30,621 She told me on my roof, 748 00:46:30,704 --> 00:46:33,415 I thought she was-- 749 00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:38,337 She said, "I have something to tell you." I was like, "Oh fuck." 750 00:46:41,507 --> 00:46:43,258 Got very serious. 751 00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:45,719 And then what did I ask you? "Are you pregnant?" 752 00:46:45,803 --> 00:46:47,137 -"Are you quitting?" -Yeah. 753 00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:48,096 What did I do? 754 00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:50,474 -It was all these questions. -Yeah. 755 00:46:50,557 --> 00:46:53,644 -I was like, "I'm autistic." -And then I was like, "Oh!" 756 00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:54,978 -Yeah, "Oh!" -"Oh!" 757 00:46:56,688 --> 00:46:59,900 "Fuck yes. Okay. Like, now what?" 758 00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,070 That's what makes it crazy. 759 00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:07,032 It's not the actual diagnosis itself and the experience of being autistic. 760 00:47:07,115 --> 00:47:11,370 It's going through almost 34 years of your life not knowing it. 761 00:47:11,870 --> 00:47:13,580 We've had many experiences together, 762 00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:16,208 and those experiences are part of this too. 763 00:47:18,585 --> 00:47:21,964 Like, the struggles she's had in our friendship and our workplace. 764 00:47:22,047 --> 00:47:24,800 I just wish I knew 765 00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:29,721 because to be able to have an awareness 766 00:47:29,805 --> 00:47:36,395 of how to have her live life but also live a life she sees as lighter… 767 00:47:39,106 --> 00:47:40,816 Like, a little lighter. 768 00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:43,861 I didn't know. 769 00:47:44,736 --> 00:47:46,238 That's the point. 770 00:47:46,321 --> 00:47:50,409 If you don't know, you don't even have a starting point. 771 00:47:50,492 --> 00:47:52,744 -You don't even have a chance. -Yeah. 772 00:47:52,828 --> 00:47:55,163 What's crazy is that you feel sad or bad about it, 773 00:47:55,247 --> 00:47:58,125 but I felt the most seen by you. 774 00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:01,086 That's ironic. 775 00:48:02,087 --> 00:48:04,047 Let's make this show together. 776 00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:06,800 Together. 777 00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:10,262 Don't come near me, I'm gonna cry. 778 00:48:10,345 --> 00:48:12,681 Love you But you're gonna lose your mind 779 00:48:12,764 --> 00:48:17,060 I'm gonna do it In the musical theater fashion 780 00:48:17,144 --> 00:48:20,147 Maybe you won't cry 781 00:48:23,066 --> 00:48:26,528 Are these still my hands? 782 00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:28,947 I can't feel them 783 00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:33,452 Don't recognize them anymore… 784 00:48:34,536 --> 00:48:37,748 I'm experiencing some serious burnout 785 00:48:37,831 --> 00:48:40,584 at a level that, like, I've ever experienced before. 786 00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:43,003 Literally not even being able to move. 787 00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:46,965 So that's why, like, this process and to make this piece, 788 00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:50,010 doing this now is serendipitous in a way 789 00:48:50,093 --> 00:48:54,473 because… I feel so far away from, like, what I knew before 790 00:48:54,556 --> 00:48:58,602 that, like, if I don't step into something like this now, 791 00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:00,896 I feel like I might lose it. 792 00:49:00,979 --> 00:49:01,980 -Yeah. -You know? 793 00:49:04,024 --> 00:49:09,029 Like, I need to know myself back in this place that feels like home. 794 00:49:09,112 --> 00:49:10,572 Like it used to. 795 00:49:12,115 --> 00:49:16,244 Or else I don't know if I will step back into it. 796 00:49:17,955 --> 00:49:20,832 I love these people. 797 00:49:20,916 --> 00:49:21,875 They're family to me. 798 00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:26,004 So there's something about the combination of hearing Kim 799 00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:28,632 and then seeing them in the space. 800 00:49:28,715 --> 00:49:33,595 Thank you so much to every single person in this room. 801 00:49:33,679 --> 00:49:37,849 I don't know. It's like life and art meet 802 00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:42,312 in this, like, really cool way that I've never experienced before for myself. 803 00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:46,316 I've witnessed that happening for other people, but not for me. 804 00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:47,859 So, it's really cool. 805 00:49:48,652 --> 00:49:51,822 Okay, Jenn, why don't you play it for us since you put it… 806 00:49:51,905 --> 00:49:55,075 So that's kind of everything in a nutshell. 807 00:49:55,158 --> 00:49:57,411 Do you have questions for me? 808 00:49:58,161 --> 00:50:00,330 Oh! 809 00:50:00,414 --> 00:50:04,960 -Yeah. -Okay! 810 00:50:05,043 --> 00:50:07,129 -That's exciting. Hit it again. -Yeah. 811 00:50:08,630 --> 00:50:12,092 Um, So that's kind of everything in a nutshell. 812 00:50:12,175 --> 00:50:13,760 Do you have questions for me? 813 00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:18,223 That might be the fucking… thing that unlocks it. 814 00:50:18,306 --> 00:50:19,933 -Yep. -"Yes, I do." 815 00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:23,562 "And it's right-- And here are my questions." Literally. 816 00:50:24,354 --> 00:50:27,274 That's great. Hit it again. Good job, Jenn. 817 00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:29,276 Do you have questions for me? 818 00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:31,528 Love it. Let's keep going. 819 00:50:38,368 --> 00:50:45,375 I'm more than what you see 820 00:50:48,420 --> 00:50:49,629 Look at this. 821 00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:52,007 All my hair is breaking. 822 00:50:54,217 --> 00:50:56,303 I'm literally losing, like, 823 00:50:57,262 --> 00:50:58,555 tons of hair. 824 00:50:59,598 --> 00:51:01,224 Look at this. 825 00:51:01,308 --> 00:51:02,601 All broken. 826 00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:05,854 And my hair is, like, falling out. 827 00:51:06,354 --> 00:51:08,315 What is happening to me? 828 00:51:14,821 --> 00:51:17,449 How long am I just gonna be like this? 829 00:51:28,376 --> 00:51:30,337 -I don't feel good. -Hm? 830 00:51:30,420 --> 00:51:31,922 I don't feel good. 831 00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:37,719 Do you want to talk to Alex? 832 00:51:38,220 --> 00:51:40,263 He deals with this stuff a lot too. 833 00:51:50,524 --> 00:51:51,858 Alex. 834 00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:52,859 What? 835 00:51:53,485 --> 00:51:54,945 I'm gonna call Alex. 836 00:52:11,002 --> 00:52:12,379 Still no? 837 00:52:16,967 --> 00:52:18,677 Waiting for Alex to call me. 838 00:52:20,053 --> 00:52:22,139 Okay. 839 00:52:27,185 --> 00:52:28,520 Hey. It's Alex. 840 00:52:28,603 --> 00:52:29,479 -Hey, guys. -Hey. 841 00:52:29,563 --> 00:52:31,690 -Where have you been? -What's going on? 842 00:52:31,773 --> 00:52:32,899 Uh… 843 00:52:33,608 --> 00:52:36,778 Well, I was back in the hospital. 844 00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:38,697 What happened? 845 00:52:38,780 --> 00:52:41,116 It was the same thing that happened before. 846 00:52:41,199 --> 00:52:42,742 That's awful. Why? 847 00:52:43,910 --> 00:52:50,625 I have a variant of Guillain-Barré called Miller Fisher syndrome. 848 00:52:51,168 --> 00:52:54,838 And it just keeps coming back again, again, and again. 849 00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:56,256 How is this happening? 850 00:52:56,339 --> 00:52:58,508 For me specifically, 851 00:52:58,592 --> 00:53:01,386 they don't really know what has been causing it 852 00:53:01,469 --> 00:53:04,723 other than mental and physical stress. 853 00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:10,020 But this kind of stuff has been happening since I can remember. 854 00:53:10,103 --> 00:53:11,396 What do you mean? 855 00:53:12,105 --> 00:53:15,150 I really don't understand it. Um… 856 00:53:16,359 --> 00:53:19,154 But it is part of something bigger, you know? 857 00:53:19,237 --> 00:53:20,530 Do you want to share? 858 00:53:23,825 --> 00:53:25,035 It affects me in a way 859 00:53:25,118 --> 00:53:28,455 where I can't-- physically and mentally can't function. 860 00:53:28,538 --> 00:53:30,999 Can you explain that a little bit more? 861 00:53:31,082 --> 00:53:34,377 Well, I always understood what depression was 862 00:53:34,461 --> 00:53:36,671 because I was always deep, deep in it. 863 00:53:37,631 --> 00:53:38,757 I didn't realize that. 864 00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:40,634 And I always knew the word "anxiety," 865 00:53:40,717 --> 00:53:43,428 but for some reason, I didn't really know what it meant. 866 00:53:43,511 --> 00:53:46,139 Once I really learned what it meant, 867 00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:48,725 I realized like, "Oh, that's my baseline." 868 00:53:51,937 --> 00:53:55,357 The reality is that it's always like that for me. 869 00:53:55,440 --> 00:53:58,401 I've had depression and anxiety, like, 870 00:53:58,902 --> 00:54:04,616 for so long that I didn't even know that I was suffering 871 00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:07,994 because I thought that that's just how life was. 872 00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:10,372 Same. 873 00:54:11,665 --> 00:54:15,585 -Yeah, I've been on medication for years. -Yeah. 874 00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:17,837 It's taking away the edge, 875 00:54:17,921 --> 00:54:20,423 but you still have these huge bouts of anxiety. 876 00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:22,592 You still have these bouts of depression. 877 00:54:23,260 --> 00:54:25,220 You literally couldn't be healthier. 878 00:54:25,303 --> 00:54:27,514 -Yeah. -You couldn't exercise more. 879 00:54:27,597 --> 00:54:28,640 You're also sober. 880 00:54:28,723 --> 00:54:32,269 Like, what the fuck else are you supposed to do better? 881 00:54:32,352 --> 00:54:34,854 -Yeah. -And then you're still feeling like this. 882 00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:38,275 Well, basically, 883 00:54:38,858 --> 00:54:42,612 I really feel like I could share this with you guys, uh, now. 884 00:54:43,196 --> 00:54:46,199 We learned a while ago that I'm actually, um… 885 00:54:47,951 --> 00:54:49,035 bipolar. 886 00:54:49,703 --> 00:54:53,957 And… it, uh, affects me 887 00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:56,835 in more ways than I would like to admit. 888 00:54:56,918 --> 00:55:00,255 -My immune system can go bananas. -Yeah. 889 00:55:00,338 --> 00:55:04,426 And then my body just… breaks down. 890 00:55:04,509 --> 00:55:05,593 Same. 891 00:55:05,677 --> 00:55:07,012 I'm void. 892 00:55:07,762 --> 00:55:09,014 -Yeah. -I'm empty. 893 00:55:10,015 --> 00:55:11,975 -There's nothing. -Yeah. 894 00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:16,646 We're not working towards eliminating these episodes. 895 00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:17,897 Right. 896 00:55:17,981 --> 00:55:22,360 You're actually working towards accepting them as part of your life. 897 00:55:24,362 --> 00:55:26,323 Aren't I supposed to be comforting you? 898 00:55:26,406 --> 00:55:27,532 I understand. 899 00:55:27,615 --> 00:55:31,328 But, like, knowing you're not alone, it's not your fault, 900 00:55:31,411 --> 00:55:36,124 that's enough sometimes to just get someone, like, moving forward. 901 00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:39,169 Thank you for listening. 902 00:55:39,252 --> 00:55:42,047 Saying it out loud is-- That's the hardest part. 903 00:55:42,130 --> 00:55:44,841 Well, you make it easier. 904 00:55:44,924 --> 00:55:47,969 You and I still got some shit to figure out. 905 00:55:50,138 --> 00:55:53,224 Do you feel sadness or do you feel relief right now? 906 00:55:54,017 --> 00:55:56,895 No, I just feel like I'm changing. 907 00:56:03,443 --> 00:56:07,906 I'm changing, and, like, it feels sad… 908 00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:11,326 but good. 909 00:56:17,415 --> 00:56:19,709 What type of changes are you feeling? 910 00:56:19,793 --> 00:56:24,339 No, I think it's just letting go of, like, the idea of what I-- 911 00:56:24,422 --> 00:56:27,467 Like, what I thought, um, I was. 912 00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:31,096 Jennifer is a straight-A student, 913 00:56:31,179 --> 00:56:33,556 who likes school and loves to dance. 914 00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:36,684 When she is older, Jennifer hopes to be a famous dancer. 915 00:56:36,768 --> 00:56:39,896 Jennifer would like to thank her family for helping her so much with dance. 916 00:56:39,979 --> 00:56:41,940 She loves them very much. 917 00:56:44,067 --> 00:56:46,986 I was obsessed with it. 918 00:56:48,029 --> 00:56:49,781 Always have been, always will be. 919 00:56:51,324 --> 00:56:57,330 I liked that I lost myself in, like, the hard work and the dancing. 920 00:57:01,042 --> 00:57:04,546 So would you say at those times you're at peace when you're dancing? 921 00:57:04,629 --> 00:57:06,256 Yeah. 922 00:57:06,339 --> 00:57:09,676 I think nothing else exists, 923 00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:14,973 but I'm also going to a place of just ignoring my needs completely. 924 00:57:18,893 --> 00:57:20,895 Being in the dance world, 925 00:57:20,979 --> 00:57:27,235 you're constantly surrounded by people who are not honoring balance. 926 00:57:28,027 --> 00:57:30,989 'Cause it's just a culture of… 927 00:57:32,824 --> 00:57:34,117 pushing. 928 00:57:39,664 --> 00:57:43,960 Your pattern has been to just push until you fall over. 929 00:57:46,588 --> 00:57:49,799 I actually burned out. 930 00:57:59,225 --> 00:58:00,810 When we talked about burnout, 931 00:58:00,894 --> 00:58:06,274 the lever, the switch for doing for people with ASD across the board 932 00:58:06,357 --> 00:58:08,776 is that it goes all the way to the end. 933 00:58:08,860 --> 00:58:11,070 And so, you know how to push yourself 934 00:58:11,154 --> 00:58:13,406 to the point where you're falling onto the floor. 935 00:58:17,702 --> 00:58:24,709 How do I know When I'm finished? 936 00:58:26,377 --> 00:58:30,798 'Cause when I'm finished 937 00:58:30,882 --> 00:58:36,888 There's always more to do More to do, more to do 938 00:58:36,971 --> 00:58:42,227 More to do, more to, more 939 00:58:42,310 --> 00:58:43,436 More 940 00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:44,896 I feel crazy. 941 00:58:47,941 --> 00:58:50,235 I feel crazy. I feel like I don't know… 942 00:58:51,694 --> 00:58:52,946 anything. 943 00:58:56,824 --> 00:58:58,868 I feel scared, 944 00:59:00,161 --> 00:59:01,454 and… 945 00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:05,959 I didn't know that… 946 00:59:08,461 --> 00:59:10,129 it was gonna be this hard… 947 00:59:15,009 --> 00:59:16,886 learning all of this about myself. 948 00:59:16,970 --> 00:59:23,935 No time to wait 949 00:59:24,018 --> 00:59:25,937 Or think 950 00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:30,817 How do I know how? 951 00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:33,736 There's a change when you're actually able to acknowledge 952 00:59:34,988 --> 00:59:39,200 and name experiences and feelings that you've been having forever. 953 00:59:39,284 --> 00:59:42,579 Just makes it… a lot more real. 954 00:59:43,538 --> 00:59:44,998 Go 955 00:59:47,417 --> 00:59:50,086 Go 956 00:59:52,255 --> 00:59:54,424 It's hard because you are so tired, and that's… 957 00:59:54,507 --> 00:59:56,509 When we talk about "all or nothing" thinking, 958 00:59:56,593 --> 00:59:58,094 it's "all or nothing" doing. 959 00:59:58,177 --> 01:00:00,805 Go, go, go, go 960 01:00:00,888 --> 01:00:02,890 You also have a tendency to do the extreme. 961 01:00:02,974 --> 01:00:06,769 So it's almost like you run yourself completely into the ground, 962 01:00:06,853 --> 01:00:10,273 and your body's just like, "Wait a second, we have to stop." 963 01:00:12,817 --> 01:00:16,279 Keep going, go, go 964 01:00:18,573 --> 01:00:20,491 Yeah. How is your hip? 965 01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:22,243 It's been really bad. 966 01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:26,623 I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do, and nothing's helping. 967 01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:28,666 So it's starting to feel a little scary. 968 01:00:28,750 --> 01:00:30,251 Go 969 01:00:33,963 --> 01:00:35,673 Does anything make it feel better? 970 01:00:35,757 --> 01:00:36,799 If I'm being honest, 971 01:00:36,883 --> 01:00:39,427 I've had chronic pain since I was a teenager. 972 01:00:39,510 --> 01:00:40,970 Shh 973 01:00:41,054 --> 01:00:42,055 Right there. 974 01:00:42,138 --> 01:00:45,266 Do more, go 975 01:00:45,350 --> 01:00:48,269 And have you been to someone that's looked at all your blood work 976 01:00:48,353 --> 01:00:51,272 to look to see if there's anything going on that's autoimmune? 977 01:00:51,356 --> 01:00:52,940 And I know we talked about this, 978 01:00:53,024 --> 01:00:57,070 but there's a higher correlation of autoimmune and ASD. 979 01:00:57,570 --> 01:00:59,447 Go 980 01:01:00,531 --> 01:01:03,785 My markers for lupus were… 981 01:01:03,868 --> 01:01:05,536 Go 982 01:01:05,620 --> 01:01:06,454 …high. 983 01:01:08,539 --> 01:01:11,292 Go… 984 01:01:11,376 --> 01:01:14,337 You have a different scenario than a lot of other dancers. 985 01:01:14,420 --> 01:01:17,256 You have this underlying diagnosis, autoimmune issue. 986 01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:20,343 I know that stress can kick off a reaction. 987 01:01:20,426 --> 01:01:22,136 Don't worry about the money now. 988 01:01:22,220 --> 01:01:25,515 -I don't wanna self-produce a show again. -You're not going to. 989 01:01:25,598 --> 01:01:28,434 Especially a show that I'm performing in. 990 01:01:28,518 --> 01:01:32,522 The biggest grant that we applied for, we didn't get. 991 01:01:32,605 --> 01:01:34,482 We were finalists, so we were close, 992 01:01:34,565 --> 01:01:36,067 but it's always a big bummer 993 01:01:36,150 --> 01:01:39,737 because it's kind of a start-over with fundraising now. 994 01:01:40,238 --> 01:01:43,825 You have been taught to endure pain. 995 01:01:43,908 --> 01:01:46,285 You've been taught to endure discomfort. 996 01:01:46,369 --> 01:01:48,413 What should I do? 997 01:01:48,496 --> 01:01:50,331 So that's where I just get overwhelmed. 998 01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:52,417 More 999 01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:54,585 I just want to focus on one thing. 1000 01:01:57,922 --> 01:02:00,842 Everything besides my show, like teaching and choreographing, 1001 01:02:00,925 --> 01:02:02,760 they're not just side jobs. 1002 01:02:03,928 --> 01:02:05,596 I put everything into them. 1003 01:02:06,764 --> 01:02:09,559 But it's just what it takes from me. 1004 01:02:09,642 --> 01:02:13,771 No time to wait 1005 01:02:13,855 --> 01:02:16,774 No time to think 1006 01:02:16,858 --> 01:02:19,902 No time to feel 1007 01:02:19,986 --> 01:02:22,739 Should I do more? 1008 01:02:22,822 --> 01:02:25,116 I'll do more 1009 01:02:25,199 --> 01:02:27,744 I'll do more 1010 01:02:27,827 --> 01:02:34,834 Do more 1011 01:02:38,671 --> 01:02:42,300 And that's a huge drain to kind of go through that 1012 01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:43,926 and to reveal yourself. 1013 01:02:44,010 --> 01:02:45,762 And that's why, as you're saying, 1014 01:02:45,845 --> 01:02:49,015 "I've been through a lot, and I just want to be still." 1015 01:03:04,322 --> 01:03:07,074 I'm just trying to, like, keep showing up every day. 1016 01:03:07,158 --> 01:03:10,161 -Yeah. -Whether I know what I'm doing or not. 1017 01:03:15,291 --> 01:03:19,212 Go, go, go 1018 01:03:20,505 --> 01:03:25,009 What should I do more? 1019 01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:31,641 Should I do more? 1020 01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:39,440 Should I? Should I? Should I? 1021 01:03:39,524 --> 01:03:40,983 Should I? 1022 01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:43,569 It's the cost of our living that's burning you out? 1023 01:03:43,653 --> 01:03:47,865 Yeah, I just need the burden of supporting our lifestyle to go away. 1024 01:03:48,658 --> 01:03:50,618 We can also cancel your show 1025 01:03:50,701 --> 01:03:53,788 because the last thing you should be doing the show for is for the other, 1026 01:03:53,871 --> 01:03:56,123 the outside world, Sonya or Alex or-- 1027 01:03:56,207 --> 01:03:59,460 I'm not. I want to make this show. 1028 01:04:00,962 --> 01:04:04,674 But that's all I want to do. I don't want to do anything else. 1029 01:04:04,757 --> 01:04:05,883 Let's make that happen. 1030 01:04:05,967 --> 01:04:11,889 Should I do more? 1031 01:04:11,973 --> 01:04:14,225 I'll do more… 1032 01:04:14,308 --> 01:04:16,018 You gotta lean on me, boo. 1033 01:04:16,102 --> 01:04:18,437 You're not putting anything on me. You're my sister. 1034 01:04:18,521 --> 01:04:22,024 -How do you have capacity? -You're-- I'm obsessed. 1035 01:04:22,108 --> 01:04:23,442 I'm obsessed with dance. 1036 01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:24,694 I'm obsessed with ideas. 1037 01:04:24,777 --> 01:04:27,697 I'm obsessed with my soul sister feeling better. 1038 01:04:28,364 --> 01:04:32,034 Fall, literally collapse on me. I got it. 1039 01:04:32,118 --> 01:04:35,955 I'm only in this for, like, the reason of sharing. 1040 01:04:36,038 --> 01:04:37,498 It's the little ripples, you know? 1041 01:04:37,582 --> 01:04:41,836 The most important thing is the people who need to see this piece see the piece. 1042 01:04:41,919 --> 01:04:43,671 That's a lot of people. 1043 01:04:43,754 --> 01:04:45,172 We'll find a way. 1044 01:04:45,256 --> 01:04:47,675 I know the show is happening. Like, I see that. 1045 01:04:48,301 --> 01:04:50,219 Like, that I know in my soul. 1046 01:04:50,303 --> 01:04:53,598 I don't know where or when it's happening. And I don't know how it's happening. 1047 01:04:56,142 --> 01:05:01,522 So much of this career is maybe not super healthy for me. 1048 01:05:02,440 --> 01:05:07,486 Yes, it's been all the great things, but I would not recommend it for everyone. 1049 01:05:08,446 --> 01:05:10,907 It's just my special interest, 1050 01:05:10,990 --> 01:05:14,327 and what was helpful for me was dance. 1051 01:05:15,328 --> 01:05:18,289 What are you scared about the most 1052 01:05:18,372 --> 01:05:20,750 when you think of packing up and leaving the city? 1053 01:05:21,459 --> 01:05:23,252 Now that you know it's happening. 1054 01:05:23,336 --> 01:05:25,504 Just a lot of change all at once. 1055 01:05:25,588 --> 01:05:29,634 And I… don't know what the future looks like. 1056 01:05:29,717 --> 01:05:31,260 We're selling our dream home 1057 01:05:31,844 --> 01:05:35,765 that we now no longer can justifiably keep. 1058 01:05:35,848 --> 01:05:38,809 Can't afford it, making the art that I wanna be making. 1059 01:05:38,893 --> 01:05:42,647 Yeah, I made the decision to cancel everything this fall. 1060 01:05:42,730 --> 01:05:45,399 I don't know what's gonna happen. I've never done this before. 1061 01:05:45,483 --> 01:05:48,569 I just turned down $50,000 worth of work. 1062 01:05:48,653 --> 01:05:50,696 You said five, right? Not 50? 1063 01:05:51,197 --> 01:05:56,202 -Fifty thousand dollars' worth of work -Oh. 1064 01:05:56,285 --> 01:05:58,287 Feels good. Oh, yeah. 1065 01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:02,124 Okay, here we go. Cheers. 1066 01:06:02,208 --> 01:06:04,001 Cheers, I can't afford pants anymore. 1067 01:06:06,754 --> 01:06:11,092 Yeah, I have no fucking clue what's next other than this show. 1068 01:06:11,175 --> 01:06:15,805 It feels like taking steps back to take steps forward, for sure. 1069 01:06:15,888 --> 01:06:17,390 That's like us, babe. 1070 01:06:17,473 --> 01:06:19,684 -The two street rats? -Yeah, from Jersey. 1071 01:06:19,767 --> 01:06:22,478 -Two street rats moving to Jersey. -You're the fatter one. 1072 01:06:22,561 --> 01:06:24,647 I'm the fat--? 1073 01:06:25,940 --> 01:06:28,985 Well, we won't be walking distance from this view anymore. 1074 01:06:29,068 --> 01:06:30,027 No, ma'am. 1075 01:06:30,111 --> 01:06:32,113 But I imagine that even if we fail forward, 1076 01:06:32,196 --> 01:06:35,866 we'll be better off than staying here watching the ducks swim by. 1077 01:06:36,367 --> 01:06:37,660 Also, straight line. 1078 01:06:37,743 --> 01:06:40,371 They're saying, "Get your ducks in a row." 1079 01:06:40,454 --> 01:06:42,957 -It's what balance feels like. -Yeah. 1080 01:06:43,040 --> 01:06:44,166 Maybe in your work, 1081 01:06:44,250 --> 01:06:47,545 you're going to help redefine that for the dance world. 1082 01:06:51,298 --> 01:06:53,592 Pushing as an athlete is important, 1083 01:06:53,676 --> 01:06:55,261 but the rest is important. 1084 01:06:55,344 --> 01:06:57,471 The nutrition is important, the balance. 1085 01:06:57,555 --> 01:07:01,267 Your mind, your health, your emotions, all of that's a part of that. 1086 01:07:01,350 --> 01:07:03,936 And I would imagine that when that's all in balance, 1087 01:07:04,020 --> 01:07:06,605 you're going to have the most incredible performance. 1088 01:07:06,689 --> 01:07:10,776 Yeah, that's what I'm wanting to find, what that looks like. 1089 01:07:10,860 --> 01:07:12,278 Thank you, Jennifer. 1090 01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:14,321 -Yeah, I like that, what that looks like. -Yeah. 1091 01:07:14,405 --> 01:07:16,407 -Yeah, because you don't know it yet. -Mm. 1092 01:07:16,490 --> 01:07:17,533 But you're finding it. 1093 01:07:19,118 --> 01:07:20,578 The best type of art is the art 1094 01:07:20,661 --> 01:07:23,539 is the art you're not totally aware you're making. 1095 01:07:23,622 --> 01:07:26,000 You're just ever present in it. 1096 01:07:26,792 --> 01:07:30,546 Like Jenn, I'm seeing the world now through a new set of eyes myself, 1097 01:07:30,629 --> 01:07:34,258 and starting to understand what may have connected me to Jenn in the first place, 1098 01:07:34,341 --> 01:07:38,012 and what connected her to me, and why we so quickly just… 1099 01:07:38,929 --> 01:07:40,973 I'm trying to grapple this grit factor 1100 01:07:41,057 --> 01:07:44,101 of growing up a punk-ass sad kid in the '90s 1101 01:07:44,185 --> 01:07:45,603 that drank way too much too young, 1102 01:07:45,686 --> 01:07:49,482 where you just shove your shit down and be tough and get through. 1103 01:07:49,565 --> 01:07:54,403 I gotta let go of that old Ian completely, and that's been pretty fucking hard, 1104 01:07:54,487 --> 01:07:57,948 doing that in tandem with her right now in this time. 1105 01:08:00,993 --> 01:08:02,495 My head hurts so bad. 1106 01:08:02,578 --> 01:08:03,662 Where are the keys? 1107 01:08:04,246 --> 01:08:05,873 Did I have the keys? 1108 01:08:08,000 --> 01:08:09,001 Be right back. 1109 01:08:09,835 --> 01:08:11,504 He seems stressed. 1110 01:08:13,714 --> 01:08:16,300 -He's going through it right now. -Okay. 1111 01:08:33,526 --> 01:08:38,197 I'm having my last bath in our New York City apartment, 1112 01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:40,658 but I think it's all good. 1113 01:08:40,741 --> 01:08:43,077 We're moving to Jersey for a little while. 1114 01:08:43,160 --> 01:08:44,995 For who knows how long, actually. 1115 01:08:47,623 --> 01:08:48,624 But first… 1116 01:08:50,835 --> 01:08:57,842 Take me home 1117 01:09:03,097 --> 01:09:06,725 Take me… 1118 01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:09,436 Persistent deficits in social communication 1119 01:09:09,520 --> 01:09:12,731 and social interaction across multiple contexts. 1120 01:09:12,815 --> 01:09:19,446 Take me home 1121 01:09:21,073 --> 01:09:27,496 Home 1122 01:09:30,791 --> 01:09:33,419 That was a really beautiful place for you to grow up,1 1123 01:09:33,502 --> 01:09:38,382 a place where you felt very secure and at home. 1124 01:09:38,465 --> 01:09:40,718 Being out in nature is very soothing. 1125 01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:42,887 Jenn! 1126 01:09:42,970 --> 01:09:44,555 Damn it! 1127 01:09:44,638 --> 01:09:47,391 Less of an environment that is pressing on you 1128 01:09:47,474 --> 01:09:51,395 to have a response or to be sensory regulated. 1129 01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:57,026 At the same time that I'm having all of this clarity, 1130 01:09:57,693 --> 01:10:00,613 I also feel kind of adolescent in a way. 1131 01:10:01,405 --> 01:10:05,075 I really feel like I'm experiencing everything for the first time again. 1132 01:10:05,159 --> 01:10:07,912 I'm home 1133 01:10:07,995 --> 01:10:11,415 And so I have this instant desire to know where this came from. 1134 01:10:14,376 --> 01:10:19,048 It's just so confusing to me because there's so much love there, 1135 01:10:19,131 --> 01:10:22,259 but no chance of successful communication. 1136 01:10:22,343 --> 01:10:23,344 That's what it feels like. 1137 01:10:24,929 --> 01:10:31,101 But I just had this deep feeling that I had to leave. 1138 01:10:31,185 --> 01:10:32,228 Yeah. 1139 01:10:33,062 --> 01:10:34,980 I felt nothing leaving home. 1140 01:10:40,444 --> 01:10:43,280 Deficits in non-verbal communicative behaviors 1141 01:10:43,364 --> 01:10:45,532 used for social interaction. 1142 01:10:46,951 --> 01:10:51,372 There's a difference between loving and needing. 1143 01:10:52,456 --> 01:10:55,125 You haven't ever really needed me. 1144 01:10:55,626 --> 01:10:57,002 Mom. 1145 01:10:57,753 --> 01:10:59,421 That's not true. 1146 01:11:00,965 --> 01:11:04,802 Jennifer… can you say, "Happy Mother's Day"? 1147 01:11:05,469 --> 01:11:07,721 Mother's Day. 1148 01:11:07,805 --> 01:11:08,973 Yeah. 1149 01:11:09,056 --> 01:11:11,517 I got called selfish a lot when I was little. 1150 01:11:11,600 --> 01:11:12,559 Let go! 1151 01:11:12,643 --> 01:11:15,437 What are you trying to push me away for? 1152 01:11:16,021 --> 01:11:17,648 More combative. 1153 01:11:19,316 --> 01:11:22,194 Told that I don't care about my family. 1154 01:11:23,279 --> 01:11:24,530 So I started to believe that. 1155 01:11:25,489 --> 01:11:26,740 Once you get a diagnosis 1156 01:11:26,824 --> 01:11:30,661 and then you also have the information that it's genetic or it runs in families, 1157 01:11:30,744 --> 01:11:32,579 you start to look at your family. 1158 01:11:32,663 --> 01:11:36,875 -You just threw a lot on my… brain. -Sorry. 1159 01:11:38,335 --> 01:11:40,212 I can't control her. 1160 01:11:40,296 --> 01:11:42,715 The way I was raised, when my mom said, "boo," 1161 01:11:42,798 --> 01:11:44,216 you jumped. 1162 01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:46,385 That's never, ever happened for me. 1163 01:11:47,303 --> 01:11:50,139 It feels like it really all stems from communication. 1164 01:11:50,222 --> 01:11:51,223 Yes. 1165 01:11:51,307 --> 01:11:53,183 That's the way I used to feel with my mom. 1166 01:11:53,767 --> 01:11:56,770 I can't communicate with this person. 1167 01:11:56,854 --> 01:11:59,273 It makes me feel insane. 1168 01:11:59,356 --> 01:12:02,526 When you say to me, "Why do you need to know?" 1169 01:12:02,609 --> 01:12:05,029 And "What's the point of getting a diagnosis?" 1170 01:12:05,112 --> 01:12:08,407 And "What changes things?" And "Who cares?" 1171 01:12:08,490 --> 01:12:10,534 I don't understand your world, 1172 01:12:10,617 --> 01:12:12,703 because you haven't shared it with me. 1173 01:12:12,786 --> 01:12:14,663 I haven't been able to let you in my world 1174 01:12:14,747 --> 01:12:16,832 because there's been a huge missing piece. 1175 01:12:16,915 --> 01:12:20,419 Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity. 1176 01:12:21,587 --> 01:12:23,756 Why are you going through all this stuff? 1177 01:12:23,839 --> 01:12:26,175 Just trying to find money for my show. 1178 01:12:26,925 --> 01:12:28,260 Trying to sell those dolls? 1179 01:12:28,344 --> 01:12:30,429 I'm seeing how much I could sell it for. 1180 01:12:32,014 --> 01:12:36,268 Each one of these really does represent so much hard work. 1181 01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:39,563 Thank God I found dance because I grew up in such a small town. 1182 01:12:39,646 --> 01:12:42,316 There wasn't a lot of opportunity, and, like, people don't leave. 1183 01:12:42,399 --> 01:12:44,318 As your mother said, had you not had dance, 1184 01:12:44,401 --> 01:12:45,736 you would've gone bad. 1185 01:12:45,819 --> 01:12:47,571 -Yeah. -Gone real bad. 1186 01:12:48,697 --> 01:12:50,574 With Idaho, I see it. 1187 01:12:51,075 --> 01:12:52,910 There's this whole populace of people 1188 01:12:52,993 --> 01:12:55,871 that never had access to mental health care. 1189 01:12:55,954 --> 01:12:57,414 Or it's not discussed. 1190 01:12:57,498 --> 01:12:59,249 Not a comfortable place to be… 1191 01:12:59,333 --> 01:13:00,501 I'm coming! 1192 01:13:00,584 --> 01:13:02,878 …anything that is considered other. 1193 01:13:02,961 --> 01:13:05,923 Jenn didn't fit into the equation of what that town is. 1194 01:13:06,548 --> 01:13:08,175 It's a really small town. 1195 01:13:08,258 --> 01:13:11,720 The population when I was growing up there was 700 or something like that. 1196 01:13:11,804 --> 01:13:14,181 -What's the name of your town? -Star. 1197 01:13:14,264 --> 01:13:18,060 Oh, my God. This is the birth book that has two pages full or something. 1198 01:13:18,143 --> 01:13:19,144 "Notes on behavior." 1199 01:13:19,228 --> 01:13:22,648 "Eight months old. You wanted to play with big kids, not the babies your age." 1200 01:13:23,315 --> 01:13:26,360 "At this age, you are very independent and argumentative." 1201 01:13:26,443 --> 01:13:28,862 "Sometimes I wonder if I will even make it through the day." 1202 01:13:31,782 --> 01:13:33,325 "You are very intelligent." 1203 01:13:33,409 --> 01:13:35,285 "You spell your name, count." 1204 01:13:35,369 --> 01:13:38,080 "You have a vocabulary that is amazing at times." 1205 01:13:38,163 --> 01:13:40,124 "Screams a lot. Screams a lot." 1206 01:13:40,207 --> 01:13:41,458 Is that in there? 1207 01:13:41,542 --> 01:13:43,752 -Let go! -You got it. Take it off. 1208 01:13:43,836 --> 01:13:46,463 -Let go! You don't… -You got it. 1209 01:13:47,965 --> 01:13:49,174 "Most important though, 1210 01:13:49,258 --> 01:13:51,677 we love you more than we ever thought possible." 1211 01:13:51,760 --> 01:13:54,388 "You are a wonderful child, and I couldn't trade you for anything." 1212 01:13:54,471 --> 01:13:56,932 "You are such a grown-up little girl." 1213 01:13:58,100 --> 01:14:00,102 "February 21, 1991." 1214 01:14:03,397 --> 01:14:05,399 Deficits in developing, maintaining 1215 01:14:05,482 --> 01:14:07,526 and understanding relationships. 1216 01:14:09,069 --> 01:14:11,488 Part of having autism, they say, is genetic. 1217 01:14:12,656 --> 01:14:14,366 This is dysfunctional. 1218 01:14:14,450 --> 01:14:18,495 Obviously your siblings and your family hold up a mirror to you. 1219 01:14:19,371 --> 01:14:21,874 -Fits right in then, right? -We're family. 1220 01:14:23,333 --> 01:14:28,255 All of these real-life revelations are happening simultaneously 1221 01:14:28,338 --> 01:14:31,800 with the creation of the show. 1222 01:14:32,384 --> 01:14:34,470 Hold your doll up so everybody can see it. 1223 01:14:34,553 --> 01:14:37,639 And so discoveries that are happening in my life 1224 01:14:37,723 --> 01:14:43,770 are ending up in front of me on stage in this really beautiful and organic way. 1225 01:14:45,939 --> 01:14:52,654 I will follow you… 1226 01:14:54,823 --> 01:14:57,784 Bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1227 01:14:57,868 --> 01:15:02,080 Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1228 01:15:02,164 --> 01:15:04,291 Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1229 01:15:04,374 --> 01:15:05,667 I think you have it. 1230 01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:09,880 Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1231 01:15:10,923 --> 01:15:15,219 Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1232 01:15:15,969 --> 01:15:19,389 -She's cute. She didn't see me. -She can crawl, remember? 1233 01:15:22,309 --> 01:15:24,603 In a perfect world, 1234 01:15:24,686 --> 01:15:27,648 I could pull, like, tons. 1235 01:15:27,731 --> 01:15:28,607 Yeah. 1236 01:15:29,441 --> 01:15:33,612 Like there's a mountain of them at my feet when I'm done. 1237 01:15:34,238 --> 01:15:35,197 Yeah. 1238 01:15:37,199 --> 01:15:39,368 Can you say a couple words about this piece? 1239 01:15:39,451 --> 01:15:41,203 -What it means to you? -Yeah. 1240 01:15:44,498 --> 01:15:46,375 There's Robbyn's mom's house. 1241 01:15:46,458 --> 01:15:48,043 Hi, Grandma! 1242 01:15:49,294 --> 01:15:51,338 At my grandma's house, 1243 01:15:52,464 --> 01:15:54,925 I just have all these memories of play 1244 01:15:55,008 --> 01:15:57,135 and feeling really free. 1245 01:15:59,179 --> 01:16:00,597 Peek-a-boo! 1246 01:16:00,681 --> 01:16:03,475 She had this innate way of knowing 1247 01:16:03,559 --> 01:16:08,522 how to, like, let me do things over and over and over and over again. 1248 01:16:08,605 --> 01:16:11,525 So I just always felt really free because she would never stop me. 1249 01:16:11,608 --> 01:16:14,152 I'd play the same song a hundred times, 1250 01:16:14,236 --> 01:16:16,405 and she'd never say, "Okay, it's time to turn it off." 1251 01:16:21,076 --> 01:16:24,413 The tissues are because when I was little I couldn't skip. 1252 01:16:24,496 --> 01:16:27,165 Kim told me that's a common trait of an autistic child 1253 01:16:27,249 --> 01:16:29,209 is they have a hard time skipping. 1254 01:16:29,293 --> 01:16:33,422 And so my grandma taught me how to skip by giving me a box of tissues. 1255 01:16:33,922 --> 01:16:36,091 She'd say, "When you step, you grab the tissue, 1256 01:16:36,174 --> 01:16:38,051 and then when you hop, you throw it." 1257 01:16:38,135 --> 01:16:39,553 So that's how I learned how to skip. 1258 01:16:39,636 --> 01:16:46,059 And I remember the whole living room would just be, like, covered in tissues. 1259 01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:48,270 And she didn't make me clean them up 1260 01:16:48,353 --> 01:16:51,106 or feel bad about making a mess or anything like that. 1261 01:16:51,189 --> 01:16:53,066 But that's how I learned how to skip. 1262 01:16:53,567 --> 01:16:56,194 So that's where the tissue idea comes from. 1263 01:16:56,695 --> 01:17:00,073 She taught you how to move in a way that was rhythmic. 1264 01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:03,035 People with ASD often have a motor disfluency. 1265 01:17:03,118 --> 01:17:06,455 So they don't always have that rhythm to the way they move. 1266 01:17:06,538 --> 01:17:08,999 And that's why skipping was hard for you. 1267 01:17:09,082 --> 01:17:11,543 Your grandmother really walked you through that 1268 01:17:11,627 --> 01:17:13,879 in a very visual way with tissues 1269 01:17:13,962 --> 01:17:16,465 and was able to show you through stepping 1270 01:17:16,548 --> 01:17:20,302 as you pulled the tissues and hop as you tossed the tissue. 1271 01:17:20,385 --> 01:17:22,596 And once she did that, you had it. 1272 01:17:22,679 --> 01:17:26,141 And that's really how you reach people with ASD, 1273 01:17:26,224 --> 01:17:28,560 is you follow their currency. 1274 01:17:29,853 --> 01:17:31,855 What a gift she gave you. 1275 01:17:39,988 --> 01:17:43,950 So Jennifer learned to be independent at a very early age. 1276 01:17:44,034 --> 01:17:46,036 I didn't learn until my mom died. 1277 01:17:46,953 --> 01:17:48,497 You really relied on her. 1278 01:17:49,539 --> 01:17:50,582 I did. 1279 01:17:52,250 --> 01:17:54,294 And I always wanted that for you. 1280 01:18:01,343 --> 01:18:03,387 I've never resented you. 1281 01:18:07,265 --> 01:18:09,559 I loved everything about you. 1282 01:18:14,648 --> 01:18:16,983 I just needed help sometimes. 1283 01:18:18,276 --> 01:18:25,117 Funny little bird I'll watch you grow 1284 01:18:25,200 --> 01:18:27,119 What a gift she gave you. 1285 01:18:34,167 --> 01:18:35,127 Yeah. 1286 01:18:58,692 --> 01:19:00,402 -Hello? -Hi. 1287 01:19:00,485 --> 01:19:01,778 -Hi. -Cut to it. 1288 01:19:01,862 --> 01:19:07,117 Uh, the Perelman is commissioning our show. 1289 01:19:07,200 --> 01:19:09,286 -What the fuck? -What the fuck? 1290 01:19:09,369 --> 01:19:12,164 We're going to be part of the inaugural season. 1291 01:19:14,875 --> 01:19:20,464 Sonya got this email from Bill, the artistic director, today. 1292 01:19:20,547 --> 01:19:24,801 He said, "Forgive the delayed response. It's been a crazy stretch." 1293 01:19:24,885 --> 01:19:26,094 "We are definitely all in 1294 01:19:26,178 --> 01:19:28,847 on wanting to commission and help make this happen." 1295 01:19:28,930 --> 01:19:32,434 "Meanwhile, Sonya, thank you for bringing this beautiful project to us." 1296 01:19:32,517 --> 01:19:34,895 This is not normal. 1297 01:19:34,978 --> 01:19:36,980 -This is like-- -That's what we should call the doc. 1298 01:19:37,063 --> 01:19:39,691 -"This is not Normal." -That's what you should call it. 1299 01:19:42,235 --> 01:19:43,904 This is beyond, 1300 01:19:43,987 --> 01:19:49,075 like, truly beyond anything that I could have dreamt, seriously. 1301 01:19:49,576 --> 01:19:51,077 -It's amazing. -Yeah. 1302 01:19:51,161 --> 01:19:53,789 I didn't know that something like this was even possible. 1303 01:19:53,872 --> 01:19:55,499 This is crazy. 1304 01:19:56,166 --> 01:20:00,420 Well, it only takes, you know, traumatic things in your life to happen. 1305 01:20:00,504 --> 01:20:03,215 You can't just open those doors. 1306 01:20:07,886 --> 01:20:10,096 Okay, jump. Whoo-hoo! 1307 01:20:10,180 --> 01:20:12,224 You're just imagining what it's gonna be like. 1308 01:20:12,307 --> 01:20:13,767 Taking it in. 1309 01:20:14,267 --> 01:20:15,435 So cool. 1310 01:20:20,690 --> 01:20:24,653 I want you to know that you always have me if you need me, 1311 01:20:24,736 --> 01:20:27,989 but that you have the ability to say what you need in life. 1312 01:20:28,073 --> 01:20:29,449 And you needed me today, 1313 01:20:29,533 --> 01:20:33,662 and I'm so glad to give this space to you to be able to talk. 1314 01:20:33,745 --> 01:20:37,958 So I feel so good that you asked, and I'm glad you did. 1315 01:20:38,542 --> 01:20:41,962 Do you have questions for me? 1316 01:20:42,045 --> 01:20:44,381 Yes, I do. 1317 01:20:44,965 --> 01:20:47,592 I'd be glad to talk it through with you if you need ever it. 1318 01:20:47,676 --> 01:20:50,762 I would. I think that would be, I think, beneficial. 1319 01:20:50,846 --> 01:20:54,057 -I would appreciate that. Thank you. -Okay. Yeah. Sure. 1320 01:20:54,850 --> 01:20:57,727 It's encouraging because I know why I'm doing it. 1321 01:20:57,811 --> 01:20:59,646 -And I think you do too. -Yes. 1322 01:20:59,729 --> 01:21:01,398 -The why is there. -Yeah. 1323 01:21:01,481 --> 01:21:07,487 Parents that know that their child is autistic or might be on the spectrum, 1324 01:21:07,571 --> 01:21:10,407 but they don't choose to identify it… 1325 01:21:10,490 --> 01:21:13,285 -"Let's just wait and see if they pass." -Mm-hm. 1326 01:21:14,119 --> 01:21:19,249 And that's really sad because that child knows 1327 01:21:19,332 --> 01:21:22,586 that they are not the same as the other children. 1328 01:21:23,169 --> 01:21:26,631 And so you're basically, by ignoring it, teaching them to ignore themselves. 1329 01:21:26,715 --> 01:21:29,426 -Mm-hm. -I'm not saying it's malicious. 1330 01:21:29,509 --> 01:21:32,053 -It's done with love. -They think it's the best interest. 1331 01:21:32,137 --> 01:21:37,601 But as someone who got diagnosed fairly late in life, 1332 01:21:37,684 --> 01:21:40,854 I wish that I had known sooner. 1333 01:21:41,438 --> 01:21:44,733 Like I… definitely wish I knew sooner. 1334 01:21:44,816 --> 01:21:47,068 -Me too. -Mm-hm. Yeah. 1335 01:21:47,152 --> 01:21:49,487 Why don't you take the camera from Alex? 1336 01:21:50,113 --> 01:21:51,823 -Okay. -Point it at him for a minute. 1337 01:21:51,907 --> 01:21:53,074 -Okay. -That okay? 1338 01:21:53,158 --> 01:21:54,367 -Yeah. -Is it on? 1339 01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:57,412 -It's on. It says "recording," right? -Yeah. 1340 01:22:09,549 --> 01:22:10,634 Alex! 1341 01:22:13,053 --> 01:22:15,263 -There's a lot happening. -Yeah. 1342 01:22:15,347 --> 01:22:17,098 -Still happening currently. -Yeah. 1343 01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:21,144 So, I'm just wondering where you are on the rollercoaster. 1344 01:22:21,645 --> 01:22:22,520 Say something. 1345 01:22:22,604 --> 01:22:24,773 I don't have anything to say to you. 1346 01:22:28,068 --> 01:22:29,945 I know. Wait, are you stressed? 1347 01:22:30,028 --> 01:22:32,197 No. I feel like there's a better way. 1348 01:22:32,280 --> 01:22:34,532 Well, I feel lucky that I found you. 1349 01:22:34,616 --> 01:22:35,992 Don't throw me yet. 1350 01:22:37,827 --> 01:22:40,747 -When we did and how we did. -Wow, pretty. 1351 01:22:40,830 --> 01:22:42,374 Or rather we found each other. 1352 01:22:42,457 --> 01:22:46,753 For a reason that is turning into something that is bigger than both of us. 1353 01:22:46,836 --> 01:22:48,630 I totally understand that. 1354 01:22:49,130 --> 01:22:51,216 You've become one of my closest friends. 1355 01:22:51,800 --> 01:22:54,761 Spot Alex. 1356 01:22:54,844 --> 01:22:58,223 But I realize that we're much more alike than I thought. 1357 01:22:59,099 --> 01:23:00,725 You know I don't like this. 1358 01:23:01,685 --> 01:23:04,479 Because you're able to mask it so well for everybody else. 1359 01:23:04,562 --> 01:23:06,815 You're never too old to feel special. 1360 01:23:06,898 --> 01:23:08,775 But I feel like I got to see you, 1361 01:23:09,859 --> 01:23:11,695 like, really see you. 1362 01:23:13,655 --> 01:23:18,243 I realized that you are… a mirror. 1363 01:23:21,663 --> 01:23:23,915 Does anyone else know you're autisticg 1364 01:23:23,999 --> 01:23:26,084 other than me and Dr. Gilbert? 1365 01:23:26,167 --> 01:23:27,002 No. 1366 01:23:28,044 --> 01:23:33,800 You've been hiding parts of yourself that you don't prefer. 1367 01:23:33,883 --> 01:23:34,718 Yeah. 1368 01:23:34,801 --> 01:23:37,470 And now you're being asked to expose the parts of yourself 1369 01:23:37,554 --> 01:23:40,765 you've been working your entire life to hide. 1370 01:23:40,849 --> 01:23:44,185 It was a point where I-- It just basically broke. 1371 01:23:44,269 --> 01:23:47,856 Yeah, and a few years ago, I just shut down. 1372 01:23:48,356 --> 01:23:51,276 I didn't know what to do. That's when I was getting really bad. 1373 01:23:51,359 --> 01:23:55,071 It was affecting work and family and friends. 1374 01:23:55,155 --> 01:23:57,157 I just-- I couldn't do anything. 1375 01:23:57,240 --> 01:24:00,243 And where do you feel sadness in your body? 1376 01:24:00,326 --> 01:24:01,327 Oh, everywhere. 1377 01:24:01,411 --> 01:24:02,996 You lose your words a little. 1378 01:24:03,079 --> 01:24:04,289 -Yeah. I understand. -Yeah. 1379 01:24:04,372 --> 01:24:07,625 I cannot even look people in the eye at that point and communicate. 1380 01:24:07,709 --> 01:24:09,252 Why do you think we're like that? 1381 01:24:09,335 --> 01:24:12,130 There's some questions that have to do with feelings and emotions. 1382 01:24:12,213 --> 01:24:14,883 -Mm-hm. -And the first one is just happiness. 1383 01:24:14,966 --> 01:24:16,593 Like, what makes you happy? 1384 01:24:17,093 --> 01:24:18,845 -My family. -Yes. 1385 01:24:18,928 --> 01:24:20,889 I'm very fortunate when it comes to that. 1386 01:24:20,972 --> 01:24:22,307 Hey, Mom. 1387 01:24:22,390 --> 01:24:23,725 -Hi, sweetie. -How are you? 1388 01:24:23,808 --> 01:24:25,226 -Are you taking a video? -Yes. 1389 01:24:25,310 --> 01:24:27,187 -Oh, dear. -Say something sweet. 1390 01:24:27,270 --> 01:24:28,438 -I love you. -Thank you. 1391 01:24:28,521 --> 01:24:30,648 -And I'm thrilled for you. -Thank you, Mom. 1392 01:24:30,732 --> 01:24:32,942 Ha! 1393 01:24:33,026 --> 01:24:34,152 Oh! 1394 01:24:34,235 --> 01:24:36,571 Oh yeah, look at the Hammer boys. 1395 01:24:36,654 --> 01:24:39,657 I get a lot of inspiration from my brother 'cause I look up to him. 1396 01:24:40,408 --> 01:24:42,619 Because so much of me comes from him. 1397 01:24:42,702 --> 01:24:45,163 -You're very close with him. -Very much so. 1398 01:24:45,246 --> 01:24:46,915 He's crazy. 1399 01:24:46,998 --> 01:24:48,625 And then there's Miguel. 1400 01:24:49,834 --> 01:24:52,045 God, I love that man. I think about it often. 1401 01:24:52,128 --> 01:24:55,340 I think if I didn't have Miguel, like if we never met, 1402 01:24:55,423 --> 01:24:57,092 I don't know where I would be. 1403 01:25:00,637 --> 01:25:05,600 So, I do see that diagnosis for you, and you meet the criteria for it. 1404 01:25:05,683 --> 01:25:07,685 What do you think about that? 1405 01:25:07,769 --> 01:25:11,648 It's honestly not what I expected to hear. 1406 01:25:11,731 --> 01:25:14,025 What are you feeling right now? 1407 01:25:15,235 --> 01:25:16,861 I just didn't expect it. 1408 01:25:16,945 --> 01:25:20,240 I think that's a common thing people say, "You don't look autistic." 1409 01:25:20,323 --> 01:25:23,576 "You don't appear that way." Or "Why is it important?" 1410 01:25:23,660 --> 01:25:26,830 Because I know there are people that are further along on the spectrum, 1411 01:25:26,913 --> 01:25:29,541 this goes on in my mind, that need it more than I do. 1412 01:25:29,624 --> 01:25:31,334 Me getting a diagnosis, specifically, 1413 01:25:31,417 --> 01:25:33,670 makes me feel like I'm taking it away from somebody else. 1414 01:25:33,753 --> 01:25:35,046 -I don't know why. -Yeah. 1415 01:25:35,130 --> 01:25:36,047 You're an adult, 1416 01:25:36,131 --> 01:25:39,134 you've already made it past the finish line of where it's the hardest. 1417 01:25:39,217 --> 01:25:40,552 -Common mentality. -Exactly. 1418 01:25:40,635 --> 01:25:43,972 After all this time of proving that you're capable, 1419 01:25:44,055 --> 01:25:47,684 why would you want a label, like a terrible label, like autism? 1420 01:25:47,767 --> 01:25:51,312 Why wouldn't you choose to continue passing as a neurotypical person? 1421 01:25:51,396 --> 01:25:54,190 Why in the world would you out yourself like that? 1422 01:25:54,274 --> 01:25:57,735 -That's what they're really saying. -Yeah, I'm tired of pretending. 1423 01:25:58,236 --> 01:26:00,822 -That's what needs to change. -Yeah. 1424 01:26:02,490 --> 01:26:06,119 -Béyonce! -You ready? 1425 01:26:08,788 --> 01:26:09,706 Nine. 1426 01:26:10,832 --> 01:26:11,833 Bang, bang. 1427 01:26:11,916 --> 01:26:14,586 Eight. Seven. 1428 01:26:15,628 --> 01:26:19,465 Six, five, four, 1429 01:26:20,592 --> 01:26:23,178 three, two, one. 1430 01:26:25,638 --> 01:26:28,141 I was iffy on that one. I didn't know if it was too weird. 1431 01:26:28,224 --> 01:26:30,518 No, that's what I think it needs to be more of. 1432 01:26:30,602 --> 01:26:33,438 It's so cool. 1433 01:26:33,521 --> 01:26:35,148 Well, you know I'm a film editor. 1434 01:26:35,231 --> 01:26:36,608 What's that like? 1435 01:26:36,691 --> 01:26:41,196 It's like trying to solve a puzzle with infinite possible combinations 1436 01:26:41,279 --> 01:26:45,033 while simultaneously designing the puzzle at the same time. 1437 01:26:46,743 --> 01:26:51,873 I love this because I've since learned that my particular brain is just wired 1438 01:26:51,956 --> 01:26:54,918 to process, see, and create things differently. 1439 01:26:55,001 --> 01:26:55,919 Yes. 1440 01:26:56,002 --> 01:26:58,504 Any success came from being completely obsessed with it, 1441 01:26:58,588 --> 01:27:01,257 but also blindly ignorant to my limits. 1442 01:27:01,341 --> 01:27:02,842 -Totally. -Hey! 1443 01:27:04,510 --> 01:27:07,263 Light it up, baby! Go, Hammer! 1444 01:27:10,141 --> 01:27:13,436 Like you, once I had to start surviving on it as a career, 1445 01:27:13,519 --> 01:27:16,439 I felt as an artist that I lost my purpose. 1446 01:27:19,150 --> 01:27:22,153 I failed at understanding the complexities, politics, 1447 01:27:22,237 --> 01:27:24,989 and my loss of trust in so many people. 1448 01:27:26,199 --> 01:27:30,370 It's something-- It's a outcome that I'm not happy I have. 1449 01:27:30,453 --> 01:27:32,997 -I don't know what I'm saying. -No, you're explaining. 1450 01:27:33,081 --> 01:27:38,586 I have an unrelenting trust in people, to a fault. 1451 01:27:38,670 --> 01:27:42,423 I see what they do on the surface as what they mean. 1452 01:27:42,507 --> 01:27:46,052 And that puts you in that space of being taken advantage of. 1453 01:27:46,135 --> 01:27:47,929 That's where I always struggle. 1454 01:27:48,012 --> 01:27:51,307 You know, just like you, I could push through anything, 1455 01:27:51,391 --> 01:27:56,104 but just like you, I would burn hot and then burn out. 1456 01:27:56,187 --> 01:27:59,357 I didn't know what autistic burnout was, so I had no tools to fight it. 1457 01:27:59,440 --> 01:28:00,400 Yeah. 1458 01:28:00,483 --> 01:28:03,528 And neither did my best friend, Ray. 1459 01:28:04,279 --> 01:28:05,154 All right! 1460 01:28:05,238 --> 01:28:08,741 I hate being in front of the camera, but I'll do this for you guys. Love you. 1461 01:28:08,825 --> 01:28:10,660 We were so alike. 1462 01:28:10,743 --> 01:28:12,996 -We're so, so, so alike. -Yeah. 1463 01:28:13,079 --> 01:28:14,539 I knew his personality. 1464 01:28:14,622 --> 01:28:18,167 I knew his fears and anger, and also what he presented to the world, 1465 01:28:18,251 --> 01:28:19,836 which was very different. 1466 01:28:21,546 --> 01:28:22,588 Except for Ray, 1467 01:28:22,672 --> 01:28:26,134 I never really talked to anybody about anything before. 1468 01:28:27,635 --> 01:28:29,804 He was very outgoing. 1469 01:28:30,513 --> 01:28:32,307 -But it was to compensate. -Okay. 1470 01:28:32,390 --> 01:28:34,142 Like with Jenn, 1471 01:28:34,225 --> 01:28:39,605 I saw a side of Ray that few others really got to see. 1472 01:28:39,689 --> 01:28:40,982 And I saw myself. 1473 01:28:41,482 --> 01:28:42,900 He was a light. 1474 01:28:43,568 --> 01:28:44,777 He was a light in my life. 1475 01:28:46,112 --> 01:28:48,448 Several years ago, um… 1476 01:28:49,407 --> 01:28:55,747 he took his own life by jumping out of a building window. 1477 01:28:57,415 --> 01:29:00,168 And I can't help but think 1478 01:29:00,251 --> 01:29:05,298 that if we both knew then what I know now, 1479 01:29:05,381 --> 01:29:09,844 maybe he could have shifted to a better path with the right tools. 1480 01:29:15,224 --> 01:29:17,935 Let's talk about happy things. What'd you think of the film? 1481 01:29:18,019 --> 01:29:20,355 Because I'm thinking about changing the whole thing. 1482 01:29:21,022 --> 01:29:25,693 What are you thinking? Like, I've just been feeling you so much. 1483 01:29:25,777 --> 01:29:29,697 The experiences you're having in real life are gonna change your perspective. 1484 01:29:29,781 --> 01:29:32,116 As much as you're telling my story, 1485 01:29:32,200 --> 01:29:35,119 like, your experience and your point of view 1486 01:29:35,203 --> 01:29:37,455 is such a big part of what you're making. 1487 01:29:37,538 --> 01:29:39,290 You need to be in there too. 1488 01:29:39,374 --> 01:29:41,918 You're not the one that usually is doing the sharing. 1489 01:29:42,001 --> 01:29:45,213 You're showing, you know, what someone else has decided to share. 1490 01:29:45,296 --> 01:29:48,132 So, it's a different light for you. 1491 01:29:48,216 --> 01:29:49,884 -It's just scary. -Yeah. 1492 01:29:49,967 --> 01:29:52,011 Because originally I wasn't part of it at all, 1493 01:29:52,095 --> 01:29:54,889 but that's the only story we have. 1494 01:29:54,972 --> 01:29:58,309 I'd never talk about anything with anybody ever, honestly. 1495 01:29:58,393 --> 01:30:01,771 That's just something I'd never had before, even with Miguel. 1496 01:30:01,854 --> 01:30:04,357 Because I've always kind of put that… 1497 01:30:05,108 --> 01:30:06,818 What are you fearful of? 1498 01:30:06,901 --> 01:30:09,404 It's the shame of it, you know? I don't know why. 1499 01:30:09,487 --> 01:30:13,324 It's really hard to get past that part 1500 01:30:14,283 --> 01:30:17,286 because I never fully fit in anywhere. 1501 01:30:17,370 --> 01:30:20,415 So I sought approval wherever I could, 1502 01:30:20,498 --> 01:30:27,505 which made me easy to manipulate into things like, um… 1503 01:30:29,298 --> 01:30:31,759 sexual-- child sex abuse. Um… 1504 01:30:31,843 --> 01:30:33,386 Oh, wow. 1505 01:30:33,469 --> 01:30:35,680 I've never really said that out loud before. 1506 01:30:35,763 --> 01:30:38,015 How old were you when this started? 1507 01:30:38,099 --> 01:30:41,060 Maybe, um, five or six, I think. 1508 01:30:41,144 --> 01:30:42,979 Wow. You were so young. 1509 01:30:43,563 --> 01:30:44,981 -Yeah. -Alex. 1510 01:30:45,690 --> 01:30:49,152 The tough part, too, about abuse is it's so secretive. 1511 01:30:51,112 --> 01:30:53,865 Unfortunately, that person taught you 1512 01:30:53,948 --> 01:30:56,242 to cover up and to be quiet, 1513 01:30:56,325 --> 01:30:57,743 to not be you. 1514 01:30:59,704 --> 01:31:03,499 It's more highly correlated than the neurotypical population. 1515 01:31:03,583 --> 01:31:07,628 I was scared of being perceived as gay. 1516 01:31:07,712 --> 01:31:09,046 -Okay. -Um… 1517 01:31:09,130 --> 01:31:12,467 That was my biggest fear, and I think that's why I kept quiet. 1518 01:31:13,551 --> 01:31:15,428 I just didn't understand it. 1519 01:31:15,970 --> 01:31:18,764 But the world was telling me that gay was bad. 1520 01:31:18,848 --> 01:31:21,267 But you feared, when you were little, what would happen? 1521 01:31:21,350 --> 01:31:25,646 That I would be unlovable, and let go. 1522 01:31:25,730 --> 01:31:26,939 Mm. 1523 01:31:27,982 --> 01:31:32,361 I now know that that was never even a possibility. 1524 01:31:32,445 --> 01:31:37,700 That takes so much energy, Alex, to hold that for that long. 1525 01:31:37,783 --> 01:31:39,994 Learning how to talk about things with you 1526 01:31:40,578 --> 01:31:44,373 has made it a lot easier to connect with Miguel. 1527 01:31:44,457 --> 01:31:49,587 I never thought I'd be able to talk to him like this without any fear. 1528 01:31:49,670 --> 01:31:53,549 I've-- I had missed that since Ray. 1529 01:31:53,633 --> 01:31:57,595 But now Jenn has also come into that role for me. 1530 01:31:58,930 --> 01:32:02,767 Because we can process things together instead of alone. 1531 01:32:02,850 --> 01:32:05,228 I just hide away when it gets bad. 1532 01:32:06,103 --> 01:32:08,564 You and me are so similar in so many ways. 1533 01:32:08,648 --> 01:32:10,608 -It's ridiculous. -I know. 1534 01:32:10,691 --> 01:32:13,110 -She wants to be completely sober. -She does, yeah. 1535 01:32:13,194 --> 01:32:14,987 -Wanting it for so long. -Yeah. 1536 01:32:15,071 --> 01:32:16,447 Like nothing, nothing… 1537 01:32:16,531 --> 01:32:21,869 I'm trying to just show up and be brave with everything and share everything. 1538 01:32:22,370 --> 01:32:24,205 That's really important to me. 1539 01:32:24,288 --> 01:32:27,291 But this is like something that I have so much shame about. 1540 01:32:27,375 --> 01:32:32,046 -And so then I just feel like… it's all… -Yeah. 1541 01:32:32,129 --> 01:32:36,676 I'm like a… I'm just like a lie. 1542 01:32:36,759 --> 01:32:40,304 Depression and anxiety also can be comorbid with ASD. 1543 01:32:40,388 --> 01:32:43,766 Often people also will go to alcohol to soothe 1544 01:32:43,849 --> 01:32:48,062 because it can open up doors to make it a lot easier in those situations. 1545 01:32:48,145 --> 01:32:52,817 She was crying, she said, "I'm worried that if I stay with you, 1546 01:32:52,900 --> 01:32:56,362 I can't become sober, and I don't ever want to be without you." 1547 01:32:56,445 --> 01:32:59,115 And I think that was the part where I was like…. 1548 01:32:59,198 --> 01:33:00,491 "Goddamn." 1549 01:33:00,575 --> 01:33:02,034 "Goddamn it." 1550 01:33:02,118 --> 01:33:04,495 Just know that I love you guys unconditionally. 1551 01:33:04,579 --> 01:33:08,874 And, like, I might be one of the better ones to kind of understand. 1552 01:33:08,958 --> 01:33:10,835 I'm like a couple of steps ahead of you. 1553 01:33:10,918 --> 01:33:12,461 -That's it. Not that far. -Yeah. 1554 01:33:12,545 --> 01:33:15,339 -Just like you were with autism. -Yeah. 1555 01:33:15,423 --> 01:33:17,967 -Just know I'm here to support. -Thank you. 1556 01:33:18,050 --> 01:33:21,304 The more that you talk, the more that you let people see you 1557 01:33:21,387 --> 01:33:25,474 and love you will give you more of that core belief that you matter. 1558 01:33:25,558 --> 01:33:27,768 Your weight in the world is important. 1559 01:33:27,852 --> 01:33:28,728 Yeah. 1560 01:33:31,981 --> 01:33:32,982 Happy birthday… 1561 01:33:33,065 --> 01:33:35,985 These are the reasons why I've been working so hard 1562 01:33:36,068 --> 01:33:37,737 to understand my brain 1563 01:33:37,820 --> 01:33:40,156 long before getting this diagnosis. 1564 01:33:41,157 --> 01:33:43,659 Because I'm terrified. 1565 01:33:45,703 --> 01:33:49,457 I don't want to get to the point where I feel like there's no other option, 1566 01:33:49,540 --> 01:33:51,459 but to turn everything off. 1567 01:33:56,881 --> 01:33:57,715 Ian. 1568 01:33:58,591 --> 01:33:59,884 -Ian. -What? 1569 01:33:59,967 --> 01:34:01,886 -I can't see you. -Huh? 1570 01:34:01,969 --> 01:34:03,137 I can't see you. 1571 01:34:03,220 --> 01:34:06,390 No, no, no. Let me see you. So I know where you are. 1572 01:34:24,659 --> 01:34:25,576 So where are we? 1573 01:34:27,411 --> 01:34:30,122 Jacob's Pillow. 1574 01:34:31,332 --> 01:34:34,377 In the most beautiful studio in America. 1575 01:34:39,465 --> 01:34:40,716 Tell me where we are. 1576 01:34:40,800 --> 01:34:44,595 We are here at the Church at Sag Harbor. 1577 01:34:44,679 --> 01:34:46,847 I mean, this space is magical. 1578 01:34:47,973 --> 01:34:51,936 All of these organizations donated not only space to us, 1579 01:34:52,019 --> 01:34:54,438 but most importantly, time. 1580 01:34:56,357 --> 01:35:01,028 Creating a show like this can take years and so many resources. 1581 01:35:03,614 --> 01:35:05,991 In our art form and in many places, 1582 01:35:06,075 --> 01:35:08,869 there's a recipe that has been the same for a long time 1583 01:35:08,953 --> 01:35:10,871 that is not working anymore. 1584 01:35:10,955 --> 01:35:13,416 And if we could soften that, 1585 01:35:13,499 --> 01:35:15,501 and explore that together, 1586 01:35:16,085 --> 01:35:20,756 and not consider these situations as flaws or a hindrance… 1587 01:35:20,840 --> 01:35:23,676 And maybe things take a little bit more time, 1588 01:35:23,759 --> 01:35:26,095 but what would happen if you gave time 1589 01:35:26,178 --> 01:35:29,765 for a beautiful brain to encompass an idea? 1590 01:35:29,849 --> 01:35:31,308 What would it be like? 1591 01:35:31,392 --> 01:35:32,768 That's what I want. 1592 01:35:33,769 --> 01:35:35,479 For autistic people, 1593 01:35:35,563 --> 01:35:42,027 one of the most common stims is just free improv dancing. 1594 01:35:42,111 --> 01:35:44,947 I would like to keep some of this improvised. 1595 01:35:45,030 --> 01:35:47,658 I think it's important to be able to walk in and go, 1596 01:35:47,742 --> 01:35:50,035 "What do you need?" Not, "What's wrong?" 1597 01:35:50,119 --> 01:35:52,121 Jenn's not trying to, in Jenn's case, 1598 01:35:52,204 --> 01:35:54,373 cure it or fix her. 1599 01:35:54,457 --> 01:35:55,416 It's awareness. 1600 01:35:56,459 --> 01:36:00,212 Being really clear that this is my story only, 1601 01:36:00,296 --> 01:36:05,050 and I have no interest in making any type of overarching or grand statement 1602 01:36:05,134 --> 01:36:09,180 about autism in general or anyone else's experience. 1603 01:36:09,263 --> 01:36:11,932 And that's really important because autism is a spectrum 1604 01:36:12,016 --> 01:36:17,354 and people have many different types of support needs. 1605 01:36:17,438 --> 01:36:18,689 The arrival of that, 1606 01:36:18,773 --> 01:36:22,067 I think it would help with the forearm more to really 1607 01:36:22,151 --> 01:36:24,028 feel the stops, yeah. 1608 01:36:24,111 --> 01:36:28,824 So, the realization that my brain will never be changed, 1609 01:36:28,908 --> 01:36:31,535 that was, like, the most freeing thing. 1610 01:36:33,162 --> 01:36:36,749 Are there any questions right now before we begin? Anything? 1611 01:36:37,458 --> 01:36:39,335 Yeah, it's gonna be fun. 1612 01:36:39,418 --> 01:36:41,003 Yeah. 1613 01:36:44,256 --> 01:36:48,177 Ooh… 1614 01:37:07,112 --> 01:37:11,075 We're trying out using language from the actual diagnostic criteria. 1615 01:37:11,158 --> 01:37:14,995 And I think it's really interesting seeing that rigid language 1616 01:37:15,079 --> 01:37:19,375 juxtaposed with a human experience. 1617 01:37:19,458 --> 01:37:22,670 Like, when you read the DSM criteria for autism, 1618 01:37:22,753 --> 01:37:24,380 it's so rigid. 1619 01:37:24,463 --> 01:37:26,924 The first word of every trait, it's like, 1620 01:37:27,007 --> 01:37:31,095 "failure, abnormal, inability, deficit." 1621 01:37:31,178 --> 01:37:33,848 Then hearing the way my therapist describes these traits, 1622 01:37:33,931 --> 01:37:37,393 she describes them in the most beautiful, positive way. 1623 01:37:37,476 --> 01:37:39,687 So seeing that language up against each other 1624 01:37:39,770 --> 01:37:42,690 and then also seeing, like, video of a child, 1625 01:37:42,773 --> 01:37:44,567 it, like, doesn't match up. 1626 01:37:44,650 --> 01:37:45,484 Yeah. 1627 01:37:48,195 --> 01:37:49,905 Sometimes there's just stuff. 1628 01:37:49,989 --> 01:37:51,490 Yeah, I mean, same. 1629 01:37:51,574 --> 01:37:53,117 What 1630 01:37:53,826 --> 01:37:56,078 What did you do 1631 01:37:56,161 --> 01:38:01,375 When you grew out of the red dress 1632 01:38:05,170 --> 01:38:08,340 I never asked you 1633 01:38:08,424 --> 01:38:10,509 I never asked you 1634 01:38:10,593 --> 01:38:12,428 -Got it! -Yay. 1635 01:38:12,511 --> 01:38:14,430 -Great! -That's what this time's for. 1636 01:38:21,729 --> 01:38:22,813 Tell me where we are. 1637 01:38:24,273 --> 01:38:26,609 -I can't hear you. Speak up. -La Jolla. 1638 01:38:26,692 --> 01:38:30,029 -La Jolla? -La Jolla? Is that you? Oh, hi. 1639 01:38:30,112 --> 01:38:31,864 Yes, we'd love to. 1640 01:38:31,947 --> 01:38:33,866 We'd love to come spend three months there. 1641 01:38:33,949 --> 01:38:35,409 Thank you so much, bye. 1642 01:38:35,492 --> 01:38:39,371 We are at the infamous La Jolla Playhouse 1643 01:38:40,039 --> 01:38:41,874 in our rehearsal room 1644 01:38:42,625 --> 01:38:43,918 in La Jolla, California. 1645 01:38:46,795 --> 01:38:48,005 First day. 1646 01:38:48,088 --> 01:38:49,381 First day! 1647 01:38:53,552 --> 01:38:56,305 We see this memory here 1648 01:38:57,097 --> 01:38:59,934 and the tractor and the doll are important to see. 1649 01:39:01,560 --> 01:39:04,813 Our show has also been commissioned by La Jolla Playhouse. 1650 01:39:05,481 --> 01:39:09,109 We're the first dance piece ever, I think, 1651 01:39:09,193 --> 01:39:11,195 to be a part of the main season, 1652 01:39:11,278 --> 01:39:15,240 and it's just a total dream 1653 01:39:15,324 --> 01:39:17,576 to be able to come here, 1654 01:39:17,660 --> 01:39:19,954 to have a creative process, 1655 01:39:20,037 --> 01:39:22,456 to be able to play 1656 01:39:22,539 --> 01:39:25,292 and fail and learn and grow. 1657 01:39:25,376 --> 01:39:27,920 -Okay, everybody. Yay! -Have a great show! 1658 01:39:28,003 --> 01:39:29,755 -Oh… -Ah! 1659 01:39:30,631 --> 01:39:33,384 You just feel so held and supported. 1660 01:40:07,251 --> 01:40:09,086 Yay! 1661 01:40:09,169 --> 01:40:12,923 Having this opportunity to dream big is incredible. 1662 01:40:13,007 --> 01:40:14,508 That was amazing. 1663 01:40:21,640 --> 01:40:23,517 Whoa! 1664 01:40:29,857 --> 01:40:30,941 Hold it up. 1665 01:40:31,025 --> 01:40:33,485 Whoa! 1666 01:40:34,653 --> 01:40:36,739 They even spelled your name right. 1667 01:40:40,034 --> 01:40:41,744 Is it Thursday yet? 1668 01:40:44,997 --> 01:40:46,498 Is it Thursday yet? 1669 01:40:48,792 --> 01:40:53,005 Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet? 1670 01:40:56,884 --> 01:40:58,761 When am I gonna be dancing again? 1671 01:41:01,430 --> 01:41:03,265 When Jenn was little, 1672 01:41:04,224 --> 01:41:05,517 dance was on Thursday. 1673 01:41:07,102 --> 01:41:09,146 Even when it was Monday, 1674 01:41:09,229 --> 01:41:11,065 she asked, "Is it Thursday yet? 1675 01:41:11,148 --> 01:41:12,649 -What? -Over and over. 1676 01:41:16,445 --> 01:41:20,324 I was really saying, "I need it to be Thursday, and I need dance every day," 1677 01:41:20,407 --> 01:41:23,077 but I didn't even know how to express that at that time. 1678 01:41:23,160 --> 01:41:24,828 When am I gonna be dancing again? 1679 01:41:24,912 --> 01:41:27,664 There was this anticipation for Thursday 1680 01:41:27,748 --> 01:41:31,001 because it brought a peace and a release. 1681 01:41:31,835 --> 01:41:33,962 It brought her a profound sense of order. 1682 01:41:34,046 --> 01:41:35,089 Is it Thursday yet? 1683 01:41:35,172 --> 01:41:37,758 And so I just find that so beautiful. 1684 01:41:37,841 --> 01:41:42,513 Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet? Is it Thursday yet? 1685 01:41:46,183 --> 01:41:47,643 What's happening today? 1686 01:41:47,726 --> 01:41:51,522 It's our opening night at La Jolla Playhouse 1687 01:41:51,605 --> 01:41:53,690 and first time with an audience. 1688 01:41:55,776 --> 01:41:57,152 What are you thinking now? 1689 01:41:57,236 --> 01:41:58,403 I'm just so proud of us 1690 01:41:58,487 --> 01:42:01,156 that I can't believe three years have gone by. 1691 01:42:01,240 --> 01:42:02,950 -Yeah. -You know what I mean? 1692 01:42:05,160 --> 01:42:07,162 I think I'll feel more emotional 1693 01:42:08,080 --> 01:42:12,209 after the show when I finally get to see all the people that I love. 1694 01:42:19,007 --> 01:42:20,926 I also don't know how many people will be here. 1695 01:42:21,009 --> 01:42:27,432 Twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, 1696 01:42:27,516 --> 01:42:34,356 thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six… 1697 01:42:34,439 --> 01:42:37,025 This is so crazy. What are we doing? 1698 01:42:37,109 --> 01:42:39,528 …three, two, one. 1699 01:42:57,462 --> 01:43:01,383 As a newly diagnosed autistic person, 1700 01:43:01,466 --> 01:43:05,679 I'm rediscovering myself and who I am as an artist 1701 01:43:05,762 --> 01:43:09,766 in real time as the show is coming together. 1702 01:43:10,434 --> 01:43:14,771 I am beyond grateful that there are places like the PAC and La Jolla Playhouse. 1703 01:43:14,855 --> 01:43:18,859 It says so much about the risks they're willing to take 1704 01:43:18,942 --> 01:43:22,487 because so much art begins 1705 01:43:22,571 --> 01:43:27,701 in ways that are unusual or unquantifiable. 1706 01:43:28,911 --> 01:43:30,829 It just feels so big. 1707 01:43:32,331 --> 01:43:34,374 I'm so, so proud of you. 1708 01:43:35,375 --> 01:43:37,419 Thank you. I love you. 1709 01:43:37,502 --> 01:43:38,712 I love you too. 1710 01:44:15,290 --> 01:44:16,917 Good morning, Jenn. 1711 01:44:17,834 --> 01:44:18,961 Let's begin. 1712 01:44:19,044 --> 01:44:21,380 Let's go! 1713 01:44:21,463 --> 01:44:24,841 What did you do? 1714 01:44:24,925 --> 01:44:28,971 Where did feeling go? 1715 01:44:48,282 --> 01:44:49,658 Perfect! 1716 01:44:50,325 --> 01:44:52,286 See everybody when you said "Get up"? 1717 01:44:52,369 --> 01:44:53,954 -They were dancing. -Yeah, dancing. 1718 01:45:34,036 --> 01:45:36,663 Good job. 1719 01:45:36,747 --> 01:45:37,831 I'm proud of you, hon. 1720 01:45:37,914 --> 01:45:39,708 I love you so much. 1721 01:45:39,791 --> 01:45:41,585 I'm so, so lucky. 1722 01:45:43,170 --> 01:45:46,757 My cup runneth over with gratitude that you're in my life. 1723 01:45:48,884 --> 01:45:49,718 Oh, my God. 1724 01:45:49,801 --> 01:45:51,845 The three of us are like that Spider-Man meme. 1725 01:45:51,928 --> 01:45:54,639 You're autistic. Wait, you're autistic. Wait. 1726 01:45:56,558 --> 01:45:57,934 -Yo! -I know. 1727 01:45:59,269 --> 01:46:00,604 Oh, fuck! 1728 01:46:00,687 --> 01:46:01,688 All right. 1729 01:46:01,772 --> 01:46:04,858 Alex, we must go. We must pick the look. 1730 01:46:04,941 --> 01:46:07,277 -I'll be back to confirm. -You're getting kicked out. 1731 01:46:07,361 --> 01:46:09,571 Uh, just yell, I'll be right there. 1732 01:46:09,654 --> 01:46:11,156 -Great. -Love you, babe. 1733 01:46:11,239 --> 01:46:13,325 -The last time you have to see me. -Yeah, right. 1734 01:46:14,326 --> 01:46:17,204 -Bye. It's been real. -Bye. It's been great. Lots of fun. 1735 01:46:21,583 --> 01:46:25,837 When you contacted me about this project, 1736 01:46:25,921 --> 01:46:28,590 you didn't know that it was gonna turn into 1737 01:46:29,424 --> 01:46:31,301 a piece centered around autism. 1738 01:46:31,802 --> 01:46:32,719 No. 1739 01:46:34,805 --> 01:46:37,057 Would you want to have an autistic kid again? 1740 01:46:38,225 --> 01:46:39,101 Yeah. 1741 01:46:39,184 --> 01:46:41,520 -You would? -I would have you again. 1742 01:46:41,603 --> 01:46:43,772 -You would have me again? -Yeah. 1743 01:46:43,855 --> 01:46:46,942 And it would be nice to have you with a little more understanding, 1744 01:46:47,025 --> 01:46:50,946 but even without the understanding, I would do it all over again. 1745 01:46:52,155 --> 01:46:53,281 Hello, love. 1746 01:46:53,365 --> 01:46:54,658 -Hi, Mom. -Give me a kiss. 1747 01:46:58,245 --> 01:47:02,332 I do have to say that since losing Ray, 1748 01:47:02,416 --> 01:47:03,875 besides Miguel, 1749 01:47:04,501 --> 01:47:07,087 having you guys to talk to about this type of stuff 1750 01:47:07,170 --> 01:47:14,010 has been something that's been very, like, special to me. 1751 01:47:14,094 --> 01:47:14,928 Yeah. 1752 01:47:15,011 --> 01:47:19,724 'Cause I don't have that with anybody else. 1753 01:47:20,767 --> 01:47:22,936 Even if this all ended today, 1754 01:47:23,019 --> 01:47:27,482 like there was no support for the doc, it didn't move on, I feel like it still… 1755 01:47:27,983 --> 01:47:29,192 Did its job. 1756 01:47:30,110 --> 01:47:32,571 -It saved Jenn's life and your life. -Yeah. 1757 01:47:32,654 --> 01:47:34,948 That does sound a bit dramatic, 1758 01:47:35,490 --> 01:47:37,033 but it is true for me. 1759 01:47:37,534 --> 01:47:40,287 -To love and life. -To love and life. 1760 01:47:40,996 --> 01:47:43,165 -There's no going back. -No. 1761 01:47:43,248 --> 01:47:46,877 There was before the diagnosis, and there was after. 1762 01:47:46,960 --> 01:47:50,338 -There's BD and AD. -Yes, totally. 1763 01:47:50,922 --> 01:47:52,466 It's not even like a next chapter. 1764 01:47:52,549 --> 01:47:54,509 -It's like a whole new book. -Yeah. 1765 01:47:54,593 --> 01:47:56,928 'Cause it keeps on going 1766 01:47:57,012 --> 01:47:59,806 More people are just piecing their stories together 1767 01:47:59,890 --> 01:48:03,018 and sharing information and having access to information 1768 01:48:03,101 --> 01:48:06,480 and seeing themselves in other people's experience, 1769 01:48:06,563 --> 01:48:07,814 not opening a textbook. 1770 01:48:07,898 --> 01:48:08,732 Yeah. 1771 01:48:09,649 --> 01:48:11,276 I've been doing some research 1772 01:48:11,359 --> 01:48:13,987 about movement as therapy for people with ASD, 1773 01:48:14,070 --> 01:48:18,366 and I'm really excited for how it's gonna change my teaching. 1774 01:48:18,450 --> 01:48:20,869 Yeah, I have a feeling it will. 1775 01:48:20,952 --> 01:48:24,456 If you share that with people, it's helping them to also understand 1776 01:48:24,539 --> 01:48:29,377 that they can move it to their art or their work to help balance themselves. 1777 01:48:29,461 --> 01:48:31,129 I feel like there are many examples 1778 01:48:31,213 --> 01:48:35,926 of people who have existed safely inside the dance community, 1779 01:48:36,009 --> 01:48:40,263 who otherwise might not have had such vibrant, peaceful lives. 1780 01:48:41,515 --> 01:48:42,849 I see it in students, 1781 01:48:42,933 --> 01:48:47,103 and it's mostly the students that I, like, connect really deeply with. 1782 01:48:48,146 --> 01:48:49,564 That's an incredible story. 1783 01:48:49,648 --> 01:48:53,777 The ones who maybe need it more than they understand. 1784 01:48:56,696 --> 01:48:59,241 It's my pleasure to be of support and help to you. 1785 01:48:59,324 --> 01:49:03,119 You've been so kind, so supportive, and so wonderful 1786 01:49:03,203 --> 01:49:05,830 that I can't express how much… 1787 01:49:05,914 --> 01:49:08,500 how special it really has been 1788 01:49:09,125 --> 01:49:11,378 to just-- to me, to Jenn. 1789 01:49:11,461 --> 01:49:13,672 I don't know how else to thank you. 1790 01:49:13,755 --> 01:49:14,631 Oh, Alex. 1791 01:49:14,714 --> 01:49:17,175 But I would like to see you as a patient. 1792 01:49:17,259 --> 01:49:18,885 I'd like to give you some money. 1793 01:49:18,969 --> 01:49:22,889 Well, Alex, you know, sometimes in life, money is not the thing. 1794 01:49:23,723 --> 01:49:27,227 And as it keeps going 1795 01:49:27,310 --> 01:49:31,356 If there's no need For the perfect image 1796 01:49:31,940 --> 01:49:38,238 Don't miss it 1797 01:49:39,614 --> 01:49:46,496 Like I did 1798 01:49:46,997 --> 01:49:53,837 Like I did 1799 01:49:53,920 --> 01:49:57,424 Like I did 1800 01:49:57,507 --> 01:49:58,592 It feels like a gift. 1801 01:49:58,675 --> 01:50:01,261 Ooh 1802 01:50:01,344 --> 01:50:03,972 The diagnosis feels like a… a gift. 1803 01:50:04,055 --> 01:50:08,727 Ooh 1804 01:50:08,810 --> 01:50:11,271 It's like… 1805 01:50:12,480 --> 01:50:13,607 Exactly. 1806 01:50:13,690 --> 01:50:15,734 Ooh