1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:15,932 [crackling] 4 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,310 [static hissing] 5 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,396 [video whirring] 6 00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:26,776 -[nurse] You okay? -[woman] Mm-hmm. 7 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,820 -[nurse] Is this your first baby? -[woman] Mm-hmm. 8 00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:29,904 [nurse] Okay. 9 00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:32,657 Here's the baby's heart beating. 10 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,160 This is the baby's abdomen. 11 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,287 Here's the right kidney, 12 00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:38,705 the left kidney, 13 00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:40,331 the spine, 14 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,417 the tailbone, the lumbar, 15 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,462 dorsal, shoulder, the elbow. 16 00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,798 The baby has a lot of room to move around. 17 00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:53,970 This is the baby's head. 18 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,599 This is the outline of the baby's skull, looking down on the top. 19 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,894 This is looking down into the brain. 20 00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:03,229 [gentle music playing] 21 00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:06,191 All the anatomy looks normal. The baby's the right size. 22 00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:09,778 Stomach, spine, bladder, kidneys, heart, 23 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:13,281 everything I can see on a baby this age all looks normal. 24 00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:15,700 [woman exhales] 25 00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:22,415 -[woman breathing] -[rain pattering] 26 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:35,345 [thunder rumbles] 27 00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:39,849 [poignant ethereal music playing] 28 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:50,735 [Jenn] Hi, everybody. 29 00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:52,695 Hello. [chuckles] 30 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,907 Okay, we have a short amount of time together, so… 31 00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:58,868 -[indistinct chatter] -I know a lot of you are graduating soon. 32 00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:02,872 And moving into the world, there's always a lot of unknown. 33 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:07,502 And this is a time where it feels like you need to look everywhere for advice. 34 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:11,631 And you need to look everywhere to understand how to go through your life. 35 00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:15,552 So I just want to remind you, remember that you're here. 36 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,680 And to look inward and to trust yourselves, 37 00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:23,226 because you have more answers in here than you think you do. 38 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,979 ["Ascension" by Like A Villain playing] 39 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:32,152 I feel scared. 40 00:02:34,612 --> 00:02:38,074 I didn't know that it was going to be this hard… 41 00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,786 learning all of this about myself. 42 00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:45,248 [Gilbert] Do you have questions for me? 43 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,586 [Jenn] Yes. 44 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,839 But at some point, I just made the connection 45 00:02:52,922 --> 00:02:59,220 that it's dangerous to have curiosity or to ask questions. 46 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:00,305 Ten and one… 47 00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:01,848 [Gilbert] People need to understand 48 00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:05,351 that some people experience the world in a different way. 49 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:10,023 But the incredible way that you perceive the world is amazing. 50 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,409 [Jenn] If dance was taken away from me, I wouldn't know myself. 51 00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:27,373 But that's why this changes everything. 52 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:28,499 [Gilbert] Tell me more. 53 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:32,795 [Jenn] There's a change when you're actually able to acknowledge 54 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:38,426 and name experiences and feelings that you've been having forever. 55 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,013 It just makes it a lot more real. 56 00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:49,229 It's always felt like something just didn't add up. 57 00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:55,109 Everything just feels different now. 58 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,741 [Gilbert] We see a challenge in three areas. 59 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:03,618 One is communication. 60 00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:04,869 One is socialization. 61 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:07,330 And one is repetitive and stereotyped behaviors. 62 00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:10,416 You really are hitting all of those three marks. 63 00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:12,919 And I have to see it over time, 64 00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:15,255 through your history and early development. 65 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,966 [pensive music playing] 66 00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:21,177 There is a neurobiology to the way the person is 67 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,221 that starts very early in childhood 68 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:25,598 and really goes with you through a lifetime. 69 00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:30,603 And so you do meet the criteria for autism spectrum disorder. 70 00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:38,695 [automated voice] Autism spectrum disorder is a complex developmental condition 71 00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:42,282 that involves persistent challenges in social interaction, 72 00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:47,912 speech, and nonverbal communication and restricted/repetitive behaviors. 73 00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:05,013 ASD is typically diagnosed in toddlerhood or early childhood. 74 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:12,061 The effect of ASD and the severity of symptoms are different in each person. 75 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:22,447 [Gilbert] Do you have questions for me? 76 00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:24,991 [music turn dramatic] 77 00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:27,243 [audience chattering] 78 00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:35,835 -[high-pitched ringing] -[chatter increases] 79 00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:36,919 [sound silences] 80 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:42,717 [Ian] You need anything? 81 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:47,680 [Jenn] Just feels like… 82 00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:53,561 It feels relieving, in a way. 83 00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:55,646 [poignant music playing] 84 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,441 [Ian] I can't imagine. 85 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,861 [Jenn] Today, I officially received 86 00:06:01,944 --> 00:06:06,949 my diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, Level 1. 87 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,576 "Requires support." 88 00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:10,703 Pack a bag. [chuckles] 89 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,497 [Jenn chuckles] Pack a bag? 90 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,916 -Yeah. -To go where? 91 00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,751 -For the journey. -Oh. [chuckles] 92 00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:19,003 I forget you don't like analogies. 93 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,255 That one went over my head. [laughs] 94 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,341 [music turns pensive] 95 00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:28,429 Yeah, I've had a lot of feelings. Like, I… 96 00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:34,227 I've felt like I don't trust my mind or my headspace in this weird way. 97 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,020 It's like, um… 98 00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:40,608 I'll read, um… traits 99 00:06:40,691 --> 00:06:44,404 of a person with autism or ASD Level 1, 100 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:48,908 and, you know, I feel like I'm reading about my life, 101 00:06:48,991 --> 00:06:52,870 and it feels so clear to me, and I identify so deeply. 102 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:57,875 And then the next moment I'll feel like I'm making it all up, or it's not real, 103 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:03,214 or like I'm looking for a, you know, quick fix or something. 104 00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:05,675 It's this weird head game I've been playing with myself. 105 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:09,846 But today I formally received, um, diagnosis. 106 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,516 So… I kinda can, like, take a breath 107 00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:17,687 and know, um… know myself. 108 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,690 I don't feel like I've ever really… 109 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:23,901 had the possibility or the opportunity to do that. 110 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:28,489 So it feels like a lot, but in a way, it… 111 00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:30,908 feels promising. 112 00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,785 And I'm feeling grateful 113 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:36,914 that I've had the opportunity to go through this process. 114 00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:38,624 [Ian] So why are you afraid? 115 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:46,090 [Jenn] Participating in a documentary is my worst nightmare, 116 00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:51,888 having to communicate with someone 117 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,682 on, like, such a deep level, and… 118 00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:56,809 [ethereal music playing] 119 00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:03,232 I trust Alex, but… I don't like to do things that I don't know how to do. 120 00:08:04,108 --> 00:08:05,485 [Ian] But you know the answer 121 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:09,197 because all the things that you can do now you once didn't know how to do. 122 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:15,036 So what made you somehow… overcome those moments? 123 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,123 [Alex] I'm like, "I don't know where I am." What's up? 124 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,125 -[Ian] Good to meet you. -[Alex] Nice to meet you. 125 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,377 -[Jenn] This is Ian. -[Alex] Hey, Ian. I'm Alex. 126 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:26,631 Well, I believe this is the right thing to do. 127 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:30,843 So I'll just do it. 128 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,891 [car horns honking] 129 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,729 [Jenn] This is James. 130 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:46,317 -[Alex] Wow, look at that. -[Jenn] Wow. He's giving it. [laughs] 131 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,028 -[Alex] He's serving it. -[Jenn] He's serving it up. 132 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,571 [Ian] And then the legend herself. 133 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,698 -That picture… -[Jenn] That's my first recital. 134 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,450 -[Alex] With the hand… -[Jenn] I know. 135 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,661 -[Alex] Do you mind if I mic you? -[Jenn] Sure. 136 00:08:57,245 --> 00:09:01,749 Part of what is stressful to me is that I don't know how a documentary is made 137 00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:03,668 or how, like, you work, and… 138 00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:05,836 -[Alex] You're also filming me. -I've been filming. 139 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,215 I'm just trying to capture stuff of just her kind of existing in space. 140 00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:11,384 And it's been awesome. 141 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:16,305 It's weird because every person I, like, encounter now 142 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,349 doesn't know this. 143 00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:22,728 So-- And then also to be thinking about filming all-- 144 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,106 Like, everything is just crazy. 145 00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:27,066 -Everything is… -[laughs] 146 00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:30,111 Every day is like a day I haven't experienced yet. 147 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,779 [poignant music playing] 148 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,114 You're gonna freak. 149 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,575 [Alex] Wow, look at that. 150 00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:39,745 I have this courage 151 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:43,332 to do things in the name of dance 152 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:48,045 that, like, I would not be able to do as just Jenn. 153 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,590 -Like what we're doing right now. -[Alex] Same. 154 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,217 And like a lot of things in my life 155 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:57,263 because at, like, the seed of every interaction 156 00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:01,559 or every opportunity or every job is, 157 00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:03,436 "No, I don't wanna do that." 158 00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:09,358 Like, it feels instantaneously a level of anxiety. 159 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,693 But I just do it anyways. 160 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,238 [Alex chuckles] I'm exactly the same way. 161 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,450 -Um, this project, I think, is different. -Okay. 162 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,910 [Alex] I'm honestly not really sure what it is yet. 163 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:24,332 Basically, my whole career revolves around what performance gives to the audience. 164 00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:25,958 [crowds screaming] 165 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,793 [Alex] But I've always wanted to explore 166 00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,755 what performance actually gives back to the artists themselves. 167 00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:31,714 Totally. 168 00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:35,176 [Alex] And that led me to movement-based psychotherapy, 169 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,595 which is just a very fancy way of saying 170 00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:40,389 "communication through dance when words fail." 171 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:44,560 -Totally. -[Alex] This is something I struggle with. 172 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,229 -You were the first person I thought of. -[Jenn] Of course. 173 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:51,692 [Alex] I realize it's been six years, but I reached out to you 174 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,363 because I've been following your career since we did that music video together. 175 00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:56,530 [dramatic music playing] 176 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,325 I think it's fate that after all this time, 177 00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:02,328 I texted you on the same day you got your diagnosis. 178 00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:04,997 I still can't get over it. It's so bizarre. 179 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,958 I got home the night before from a trip to LA. 180 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:11,420 We have her session next morning. Boom, in comes the email. 181 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,632 -Yeah. -[Ian] And then her session is just wild. 182 00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,008 [music fades] 183 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:19,261 [Alex] What was the draw to go into performing arts and to dance? 184 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,847 My answer before was that… 185 00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:28,312 I was just guided into it 186 00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:29,814 and fell in love with it. 187 00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:35,277 And… it feels like it's my purpose 188 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:38,364 and what I'm supposed to do with this life. 189 00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:40,866 -And it's my talent. -[tender music playing] 190 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:43,369 And it's the way that I connect with people. 191 00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:48,457 And it's the way that I can help people. 192 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:53,629 But I just always had this feeling that I was guided 193 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:57,091 or being, like, guided through this life, 194 00:11:57,174 --> 00:12:00,052 which… I still do in a way, 195 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:04,348 but… I think I just really-- 196 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:08,602 I just became obsessed with dance, possibly just because I'm autistic. 197 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,771 -And, like, it was… -[Alex chuckles] 198 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:13,482 It was helpful for me 199 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:18,654 in ways that I… am just now understanding. 200 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,365 [Alex] Okay, let's see where this goes. 201 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,743 Maybe we ease into it, and I just shadow you. 202 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,328 -Okay. Okay. -And we see if anything comes from it. 203 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,205 Okay. Then, let's begin. 204 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:31,125 [bus engine rumbling] 205 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,255 -[car horns honking] -[sirens wailing distantly] 206 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,303 [elevator chimes] 207 00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:46,390 [pensive poignant music playing] 208 00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:57,318 [drums playing lively dance rhythm] 209 00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:59,403 [dancers cheering] 210 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:06,577 [Jenn] One, two, three, four, five, six… 211 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,626 -And one, two. Ha, ha. -[dancer whoops] 212 00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:16,086 [dancers whoop] 213 00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,381 [Jenn] Yes, Barry! Ha, ha. 214 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,342 Ha, ha. Hey! Hup! 215 00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:22,593 Five, six… 216 00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:25,763 Hey! Yes! 217 00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:29,642 -Yes, go wide… -[ethereal music playing] 218 00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:31,727 All that space in your quadrant. 219 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,521 Yes. Yes. 220 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,481 Eyes here. Let me see you. 221 00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:38,067 In the beginning, it was just dance. 222 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,401 But it's been years… 223 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,070 Opening, it's flowering. 224 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,740 …since it stopped being that therapy for me. 225 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,200 [lively drum rhythm resumes] 226 00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:47,159 At some point, 227 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:50,788 dance started taking more from me than it was giving me. 228 00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:51,705 Yes! 229 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:54,208 As a human, when I'm watching you dance, 230 00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:57,545 if I can't find your eyes, 231 00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:00,005 I literally can't connect with you. 232 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,677 I found a way to make a living doing the thing I love, 233 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,345 but it's been a long time 234 00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:09,181 since I've been able to find the joy in moving. 235 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:12,852 But I'm still having this career that's happening simultaneously, 236 00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:15,729 but I'm not really finding the joy in it for myself. 237 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,106 [pensive music playing] 238 00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:19,066 But I'm still showing up for my students. 239 00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:21,902 Yes! That's right. Let's go, guys. 240 00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:25,948 It's hard for me to find environments where I truly do love dancing now. 241 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:30,035 [Gilbert] I can see how you have lost some of that. 242 00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:33,747 [Jenn] I'm really blessed that I can make a living doing the thing that I love, 243 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,541 but it's also kind of a curse, 244 00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:38,919 because you can lose the joy in the thing that you love. 245 00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:41,547 [dancers cheering] 246 00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,632 [pensive music continues] 247 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,349 We come down hard. All right? 248 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,810 We come down hard, because that's how we're trained 249 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,979 and that's what we really want to do. 250 00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,355 Yes, I'm disciplined, 251 00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:02,401 but I love seeing effort in dance. 252 00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:06,488 I don't like it to look too easy or too perfect or too polished. 253 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,700 I like seeing that, especially in women. 254 00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:16,165 I wanna see the power behind what you're doing, and the effort. 255 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,541 But it's hard. 256 00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:24,673 This place has been iconic to me. 257 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,092 I grew up in Idaho in the middle of nowhere, 258 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:30,804 and I used to, like, see Steps in dance magazines, and I would-- 259 00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:33,974 Like, this studio. This studio. 260 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:37,770 And I just wanted-- Like, I wanted to be here so bad. 261 00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:40,898 And the fact that I'm here with you 262 00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:45,653 and so many familiar faces that I've known for years and years, 263 00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:48,072 I feel so grateful. 264 00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,573 -You guys are-- -[woman] We love you! 265 00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,659 [cheering and whooping] 266 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,123 [drums playing lively rhythm] 267 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,335 [all cheering] 268 00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,135 [Jenn] Five, six, seven, eight… 269 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:20,229 [automated voice] Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period, 270 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,314 but may not become fully manifest 271 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:25,859 until social demands exceed limited capacities, 272 00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:29,863 or may be masked by learned strategies in later life. 273 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:34,785 -[ethereal music playing] -♪ How do I know♪ 274 00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:38,872 ♪ When it's overload? ♪ 275 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:41,000 -[music fades] -[Robbyn] Jennifer! 276 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,668 -[Bryon] Hi! -[Robbyn] Say hi! 277 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,129 -Okay, go! -[Bryon] Hi! 278 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:46,422 [Robbyn] Just look. 279 00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,466 -Yeah, come on. -[Bryon] Hi! 280 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:54,430 [man on TV] ♪ This is the way I was my face early in the morning… ♪ 281 00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,265 [Robbyn] What in the world is wrong with you? 282 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:08,152 [Jenn] Saying hello from my favorite place on planet Earth. 283 00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:09,445 My happy place. 284 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:14,324 I love it here. [laughs] 285 00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:20,456 It's like… one o'clock, on a Tuesday, in the afternoon. 286 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,708 And this is my second bath today. 287 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:25,377 Just one of those days. 288 00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,799 [upbeat pop music playing] 289 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,273 [Holland] What do you feel? 290 00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,610 What do you feel? 291 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:55,657 ♪ What do you feel? ♪ 292 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,619 [Gilbert] Stimming is anything that you do with your body 293 00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:01,789 to be able to get yourself to a regulated place. 294 00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:05,793 [Holland] ♪ What do you feel? ♪ 295 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,588 [Gilbert] Anything that is bringing about regulation for that person 296 00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:12,508 is really a stimulatory kind of behavior. 297 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:13,425 [Ian] Nice toes. 298 00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:15,260 [Gilbert] When you were younger, 299 00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:19,098 I think that you were self-stimming when you were twirling. 300 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:21,308 And your parents called it dancing. 301 00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:23,769 -[upbeat music playing] -Huh? 302 00:18:23,852 --> 00:18:25,813 [Bryon] Finish dancing your dance. 303 00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,565 [music fades] 304 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:44,081 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. 305 00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:46,583 Five, six, seven, eight. 306 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:51,547 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 307 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:55,175 ♪ Could you move your hips any faster? ♪ 308 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:59,680 Ha! [laughing] 309 00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,431 -There you go. -[Jenn] Nice. 310 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:02,432 Drop. 311 00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:03,433 Now other side. 312 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,726 [Jenn] Beautiful. 313 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:09,022 [Sonya] Step! Step, step, five! Step, five! Kick, kick, five! 314 00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,775 [laughing hysterically] 315 00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:19,158 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 316 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,493 Okay? You wanna try it with music? 317 00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,370 -One, two. -[classic pop music playing] 318 00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:26,498 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 319 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:30,210 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 320 00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:33,755 [automated voice] Hyper- or hypo-reactivity to sensory input 321 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,885 or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment. 322 00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:41,180 Apparent indifference to pain or temperature. 323 00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:45,017 Adverse response to specific sounds or textures. 324 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,395 Excessive smelling or touching of objects. 325 00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:51,565 Visual fascination with lights or movement. 326 00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:53,275 [Ian] Feel good? 327 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,904 -Yeah. -[Ian] What feels good about dragging it? 328 00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:01,366 Just like… my human instinct just wants to do this. 329 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:05,162 The vibration in my hand and the sound. 330 00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:06,663 I feel bound. 331 00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,832 [pensive music playing] 332 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:12,794 There's so many manifestations of social challenges. 333 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,088 There's so many manifestations of sensory issues. 334 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:20,302 [family] ♪Happy birthday, dear Jennifer ♪ 335 00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:21,386 [brakes screeching] 336 00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:24,514 [indistinct chatter] 337 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,850 -[jackhammer thudding] -[indistinct chatter] 338 00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:27,976 [man] Is it too bright? 339 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,771 -[Jenn] The visuals, sound, texture… -[baby crying] 340 00:20:30,854 --> 00:20:32,981 [poignant music playing] 341 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:38,362 -[Bryon] Sorry. Wipe it on your pants. -[toddler Jenn] Uh-uh! [crying] 342 00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:40,197 -[Bryon] Oh, Jennifer, stop it. -Yuck! 343 00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,367 -Yucky! -[Bryon] Just go back to the car. 344 00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:45,869 [Gilbert] It's a lot to process. 345 00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,121 -[Ian] You doing all right, Jenn? -It's too much. 346 00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,833 I literally, like, shut down. I feel crazy. 347 00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,128 [Ian] That's why you should let me continue to shop-- 348 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:58,840 No, but I wanted to try to have fun and pick out stuff together. 349 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:02,761 It was like lightning in my eyes. Like, it was like flashes. 350 00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:04,429 This, like, bright light. 351 00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:07,099 Literally, it felt like my brain was breaking. 352 00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,767 Like, permanently. 353 00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:10,686 [Gilbert] It's very overwhelming. 354 00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:15,899 I think that your sensory system right now has been on overload for so long. 355 00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:18,110 ["My Hands" by Like A Villain playing] 356 00:21:18,193 --> 00:21:20,445 It's important for you to come up with ways to cope. 357 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:22,197 ♪ Sorry that it hurts… ♪ 358 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,700 But that's not always healthy for you. 359 00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:26,910 It's what you need in that moment 360 00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:30,038 to be able to soothe and to deal and to process. 361 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:32,874 -[Jenn] What? -[Ian] Having really heavy beer cravings. 362 00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:36,420 It's bad. It's 'cause I started drinking when I was fuckin' 13. 363 00:21:36,503 --> 00:21:39,298 Binge-drinking. It's in my DNA. It sucks. 364 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:40,507 [Jenn] I understand. 365 00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:42,759 ♪ So much ♪ 366 00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:44,011 [Jenn] Pour me one too, babe. 367 00:21:44,594 --> 00:21:48,098 [Gilbert] When things are too heightened or things are not patterning out 368 00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:50,517 the way that makes sense for someone like you, 369 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,186 the world is gonna be challenging and hard to be in. 370 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:55,272 ["My Hands" continues] 371 00:21:58,358 --> 00:22:03,071 [Jenn] As an adult, you basically just stop stimming… 372 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,448 [Ian] Get it out, buddy. 373 00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:08,243 Burn it out. It's okay. Let it hit you where it needs to hit you. 374 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,413 [Jenn] Because it makes other people feel uncomfortable. 375 00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:13,832 Or you feel judged. 376 00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:16,835 [Gilbert] And that's why having the ability to regulate, 377 00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:22,341 to refuel, and to be able to balance in a very healthy way is very important. 378 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:24,760 [Jenn] I disguised my stimming as dancing. 379 00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:28,930 ♪ My hands ♪ 380 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:33,268 ♪ My hands… ♪ 381 00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,438 [Gilbert] Find the balance, find the middle, 382 00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:38,231 find where you need to be. 383 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:43,111 Or also just to cocoon and just be in a space that felt safe. 384 00:22:43,987 --> 00:22:46,073 [Jenn] Yeah, I did that a lot when I was younger. 385 00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:49,117 Like, make little nooks for myself. 386 00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:52,287 [Gilbert] And that can be a place where you find a lot of solace 387 00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:53,789 and a lot of comfort. 388 00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:56,958 Being out in nature is very soothing, 389 00:22:57,042 --> 00:23:01,254 so you would wanna go into those spaces for long periods of time and just be. 390 00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:03,340 ["My Hands" continues] 391 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,552 -[Jenn] Ready? -[Ian] Yep! 392 00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:08,678 [Jenn] Whoo! 393 00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,555 So pretty. What do you think? 394 00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:11,598 I love it. 395 00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:12,682 I love it too. 396 00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,394 -I love you. -I love you, buddy. 397 00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:17,979 ["My Hands" continues] 398 00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,790 [Gilbert] Tune out the whole world. 399 00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,836 [song fades] 400 00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:43,672 [Ian chuckles] 401 00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:46,716 [Ian imitating electronic dance beat] 402 00:23:48,343 --> 00:23:52,055 -Is that the arm or the hip? What is that? -[Jenn] It's all fucked, doesn't matter. 403 00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:54,057 [man] Was it a sports-related injury you had? 404 00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,517 [Jenn] Yeah. I'm a dancer. 405 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,811 -[man] Dr. Borowski will be in in a few. -[Jenn] Okay. 406 00:23:58,478 --> 00:24:00,897 -These are too small for me. -[Ian chuckles] 407 00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:03,984 -[Jenn] Too small. I need bigger ones. -[Ian] Let me see your butt. 408 00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:05,861 -Turn around. -[Jenn laughs] No. 409 00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:08,155 [Ian] Let's play the nurse-doctor fantasy. 410 00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:09,072 [Jenn] No, thank you. 411 00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:10,907 [pensive music playing] 412 00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,243 -[Ian] Is she broken? -[Jenn] Is my career over? 413 00:24:13,326 --> 00:24:14,911 [Borowski laughs] 414 00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:17,164 Pull this knee towards my hand. 415 00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:18,331 [Jenn] That's… Whoa! 416 00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:19,749 [Borowski] Yeah. [laughs] 417 00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:23,295 -Okay, so… -[Jenn] Anything lifting my leg is bad. 418 00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:24,212 [Borowski] Okay. 419 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,673 [Jenn] I was able to dance through it. Everything was fine. 420 00:24:26,756 --> 00:24:29,342 -[Ian] As she always does, though. -[Borowski] Right. Of course. 421 00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:32,971 [Jenn] At this point in my life, all you're doing is dancing through pain. 422 00:24:33,054 --> 00:24:34,848 [Borowski] You've got a couple things going on. 423 00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:38,727 So your hip flexor does certainly seem to be all fired up. 424 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:41,771 What I would say is that, actually, let's get the MRI now. 425 00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:45,734 I wanna do it to make sure we're not dealing with a stress reaction. 426 00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:46,818 [tense music playing] 427 00:24:46,902 --> 00:24:49,654 [Ian] If this becomes a situation, she has Martha Graham coming up. 428 00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:53,074 [Jenn] On top of everything I'm doing, I have nationals coming up. 429 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:58,079 -[Borowski] Let's do physical therapy… -[Jenn] Classes have 250 to 400 people… 430 00:24:58,163 --> 00:24:59,706 [overlapping voices] 431 00:25:01,124 --> 00:25:03,126 [Jenn] It's gonna be a lot. 432 00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:06,963 [serene music playing] 433 00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:11,259 [automated voice] Insistence on sameness. 434 00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:15,555 Inflexible adherence to routines. 435 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:20,018 Or ritualized patterns or verbal/nonverbal behavior. 436 00:25:20,101 --> 00:25:27,108 [Holland] ♪ Take me home ♪ 437 00:25:29,402 --> 00:25:30,529 [Ian] What you thinking? 438 00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:32,948 [Jenn] I'm thinking this is not interesting. 439 00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:34,241 What are you filming? 440 00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:39,496 [Ian] I think it's interesting. 441 00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:40,997 Pack. 442 00:25:41,873 --> 00:25:44,251 [Jenn] I'm not fun to watch, you know. 443 00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:45,961 [Ian] Wanna bring James? 444 00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:46,962 I wish. 445 00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:49,881 [Ian] Jenn's packing, and she's not happy. 446 00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:52,968 What are you thinking? 447 00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:58,723 [ethereal music playing] 448 00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:03,270 She's not winning at this moment. 449 00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:05,355 [children singing indistinctly] 450 00:26:08,191 --> 00:26:11,736 [Gilbert] For you, it's very hard to know what to do, 451 00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:15,699 where to begin, how to interact, how to have a conversation, 452 00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:19,536 how to understand someone else's perspective, emotionally. 453 00:26:19,619 --> 00:26:23,290 You are having to process each and every person, 454 00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,417 each and every person's emotions, 455 00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:27,294 each and every person's backstory, 456 00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,796 reading the room and reading what's happening. 457 00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:32,591 And it is very challenging when you think about 458 00:26:32,674 --> 00:26:36,094 how much someone has to cognitively unpackage something. 459 00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:41,474 And for you, the pressures are quite a few in social situations. 460 00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:42,601 They're many. 461 00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:46,771 -[unsettling music playing] -[indistinct chatter] 462 00:26:51,568 --> 00:26:53,570 [phone line dialing] 463 00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:56,531 [automated voice] Your call has been forwarded 464 00:26:56,615 --> 00:26:58,158 to an automatic voice message system. 465 00:26:58,241 --> 00:27:00,327 [on recording] You've reached Alex. Leave a message. 466 00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:01,453 [voicemail beeps] 467 00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:03,538 [Jenn breathing heavily] 468 00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:07,000 [Jenn] Yeah, Alex… 469 00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:09,836 I'm here, teaching classes, 470 00:27:11,254 --> 00:27:15,342 but I don't know what the disconnect with my body is. 471 00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:20,889 One of the reasons I love movement so much is because it's fleeting. 472 00:27:20,972 --> 00:27:22,766 Once it comes out, it's done. 473 00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:24,351 [ethereal music playing] 474 00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:27,896 I'm happier when I'm moving more. 475 00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:31,775 But literally, the last thing I wanna do is move. 476 00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:35,904 So, yeah, I don't-- I don't know what's happening. 477 00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:40,283 All right, dancers, come out onto the floor if you're taking class. 478 00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:41,868 [music fades] 479 00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:46,247 How am I supposed to motivate these kids if I can't even motivate myself? 480 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:47,415 [music fades] 481 00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:48,875 What time are you getting here? 482 00:27:48,958 --> 00:27:50,335 [voicemail beeps] 483 00:27:55,715 --> 00:27:57,217 [Ian chuckles] 484 00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:59,511 Told you you're not allowed to film me while I'm sleeping. 485 00:27:59,594 --> 00:28:03,515 -Well, you're awake. -[both laugh] 486 00:28:04,140 --> 00:28:05,600 Good night. 487 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:06,685 Bye. 488 00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:09,896 [Jenn] You have to do a dance in front of the window 'cause the shot's good. 489 00:28:09,979 --> 00:28:10,855 [Alex] Like… 490 00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:13,733 [Jenn] I can see your silhouette like Beyoncé. [laughs] 491 00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:14,901 [Alex] If only. 492 00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:17,612 -[Jenn] I always request a bathtub. -[Alex] Uh-huh. 493 00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:20,407 That's why I got put back in this building because I think-- 494 00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:23,201 -[Alex] It's a bathtub building? -It's a bathtub building. 495 00:28:23,284 --> 00:28:25,870 I was having panic attacks last night. 496 00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,748 Which is so dumb because I'm prepared. Like… 497 00:28:28,832 --> 00:28:31,000 And I've been doing this for over a decade. 498 00:28:31,084 --> 00:28:33,086 -[Alex] Yeah. -But it just never get-- 499 00:28:33,169 --> 00:28:35,714 To me, it gets just harder. It doesn't get easier. 500 00:28:35,797 --> 00:28:37,716 -Really, why? -Yeah, I don't know. 501 00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:39,050 I guess, like… 502 00:28:39,676 --> 00:28:42,345 I don't know. It just doesn't get easier. 'Cause I feel like-- 503 00:28:42,846 --> 00:28:44,389 More is expected from you? 504 00:28:44,472 --> 00:28:46,433 Not expected, but like… 505 00:28:48,268 --> 00:28:51,396 I'm like never getting to a place where I'm phoning it in. 506 00:28:51,479 --> 00:28:54,149 I'm still trying to do new things all the time. 507 00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:55,650 -Yeah. -So… 508 00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:58,403 -But do you want to phone it in? -No. 509 00:28:59,112 --> 00:29:00,739 Let's just… [exhales] 510 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:02,615 Let's take a breath together. 511 00:29:02,699 --> 00:29:03,783 [all inhale] 512 00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:07,287 -[Jenn] Exhale. -[all exhale] 513 00:29:07,370 --> 00:29:12,083 [Jenn] And just take a moment to remember why you are here. 514 00:29:14,669 --> 00:29:16,880 Are you sober? 515 00:29:16,963 --> 00:29:17,881 [Alex] Whoa. 516 00:29:18,673 --> 00:29:20,592 -I am actually, yeah. -Yeah. 517 00:29:20,675 --> 00:29:23,553 -Um, about three years. -Yeah. 518 00:29:24,179 --> 00:29:25,805 Why did you stop drinking? 519 00:29:26,723 --> 00:29:27,766 I needed to. 520 00:29:27,849 --> 00:29:29,851 ["Gloss" by Holland Andrews playing] 521 00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:33,730 [Jenn] I really want to see you step inside of the movement. 522 00:29:33,813 --> 00:29:37,609 Produce the movement from the inside out, make it yours from the top. 523 00:29:37,692 --> 00:29:41,112 I want to be sober, but I'm struggling with it. 524 00:29:41,196 --> 00:29:43,531 I want you to be generous with your approach 525 00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:45,533 and generous with your spirit. 526 00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:48,286 Don't worry about you right now. Let's affect the others. 527 00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:49,412 Does that make sense? 528 00:29:49,496 --> 00:29:52,624 And realizing that I really started drinking in college 529 00:29:52,707 --> 00:29:56,753 when I was forced to, like, be part of more social community. 530 00:29:56,836 --> 00:29:58,671 [Alex] Ugh. Exactly. 531 00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:02,467 So I've always really relied on it to, like, help me. 532 00:30:02,550 --> 00:30:03,384 [Alex] Me too. 533 00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:05,470 It's far better without, 534 00:30:06,429 --> 00:30:09,140 but it is not easier. 535 00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:12,101 Yeah. It's been back and forth for me too. 536 00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,313 And I just feel like I want to be done. 537 00:30:15,396 --> 00:30:16,231 Yeah. 538 00:30:16,898 --> 00:30:17,982 I want to be done. 539 00:30:18,733 --> 00:30:21,694 Five, six, seven. Here we go. 540 00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:24,572 One, two, three, four. 541 00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:25,949 Back, 542 00:30:26,032 --> 00:30:27,450 forward, again. 543 00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:28,701 [feet stomping] 544 00:30:28,785 --> 00:30:30,036 Three, four. 545 00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:31,162 Back, 546 00:30:31,704 --> 00:30:33,081 forward, again. 547 00:30:33,164 --> 00:30:35,625 It's so much more than just the movement. 548 00:30:35,708 --> 00:30:37,335 I like seeing the fight. 549 00:30:37,418 --> 00:30:38,753 Forward. Again. 550 00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:40,171 [feet stomping] 551 00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:42,715 Three, four. Back. 552 00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:44,425 Forward, again. 553 00:30:45,218 --> 00:30:47,262 [Alex] How long have you been working together? 554 00:30:47,345 --> 00:30:49,264 Ten years, 11 years. 555 00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:50,348 [Jenn] Again. 556 00:30:50,431 --> 00:30:52,225 I've known Tay since she was 12. 557 00:30:52,308 --> 00:30:53,935 -[Alex] And how old are you now? -24. 558 00:30:54,018 --> 00:30:56,271 [Jenn] I've been making dances on her since she was 12. 559 00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:57,480 Yeah. Three. 560 00:30:57,564 --> 00:31:01,150 That's it. There's something about your focus. It's everything here. 561 00:31:01,234 --> 00:31:02,360 [feet stomping] 562 00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:04,112 Three, four. 563 00:31:04,195 --> 00:31:05,530 Back, 564 00:31:05,613 --> 00:31:06,948 forward, again. 565 00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:09,784 One, two, three, four. 566 00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:10,952 Back, 567 00:31:11,035 --> 00:31:12,579 forward, again. 568 00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:13,997 [feet stomping] 569 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:15,415 Three, four. 570 00:31:15,498 --> 00:31:18,209 Back, forward, again. 571 00:31:18,293 --> 00:31:22,088 -One, two, three, four. Back… -[ethereal music playing] 572 00:31:22,171 --> 00:31:24,674 [automated voice] Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment 573 00:31:24,757 --> 00:31:26,843 in social, occupational, 574 00:31:26,926 --> 00:31:29,721 or other important areas of current functioning. 575 00:31:29,804 --> 00:31:32,348 [Jenn] One, two, three, four. 576 00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:35,435 Back, forward, again. 577 00:31:35,518 --> 00:31:36,769 [feet stomping] 578 00:31:36,853 --> 00:31:40,690 Three, four. Back, forward, again. 579 00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:44,402 One, two, three, four, five… 580 00:31:44,485 --> 00:31:45,820 [Ian] Jenn, you okay, honey? 581 00:31:45,904 --> 00:31:47,113 …eight… 582 00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:51,159 -Do you not want to go to rehearsal today? -No, I do. I just… 583 00:31:52,035 --> 00:31:53,870 I feel a little crazy. 584 00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:57,790 What's making you feel crazy, honey? 585 00:31:58,458 --> 00:31:59,792 I'm not sure. 586 00:32:04,839 --> 00:32:07,717 It's okay to just have a panicky day sometimes. 587 00:32:16,434 --> 00:32:17,977 [sighs] 588 00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:23,691 [poignant music playing] 589 00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:27,403 The panic attacks seem to be happening a lot more. 590 00:32:28,154 --> 00:32:30,657 And right out the gate in the beginning of the day, 591 00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:35,244 so we laid on the couch for a few minutes and tried to get her to breathe. 592 00:32:36,079 --> 00:32:37,580 Drew her a bath. 593 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:42,043 Danced around in my underwear a little bit. [exhales] 594 00:32:42,126 --> 00:32:45,505 Tried to just shock her brain from that terrible sight. 595 00:32:46,047 --> 00:32:49,175 That got some laughs, but it-- You know, it's not lasting. 596 00:32:49,258 --> 00:32:50,343 [Gilbert] What do you feel? 597 00:32:50,927 --> 00:32:52,971 [Jenn] I feel out of control. 598 00:32:53,054 --> 00:32:55,723 My emotions come so much faster than my words. 599 00:32:55,807 --> 00:32:57,225 -Yes. -That's what's hard. 600 00:32:57,308 --> 00:32:58,309 Yes. 601 00:32:58,393 --> 00:33:02,480 You're not recognizing that all of this is going on internally, 602 00:33:02,563 --> 00:33:07,151 and you're pushing yourself to the extent that then it comes out, 603 00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:08,861 and you're like, "What is all of this?" 604 00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:12,115 But this has always been. It's just not been talked about. 605 00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:13,282 -Yeah. -Yeah. 606 00:33:13,366 --> 00:33:15,868 -And I can't tell what the emotion is. -Yeah. 607 00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,746 It's just, like… large. 608 00:33:19,706 --> 00:33:21,708 [poignant music continues] 609 00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:28,297 I think it's just too much. 610 00:33:28,381 --> 00:33:29,757 I don't know how she does it. 611 00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:33,845 [music stops] 612 00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:36,848 [thunder rumbling] 613 00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:50,570 It hurts. 614 00:33:51,487 --> 00:33:52,739 [exhales] 615 00:34:02,623 --> 00:34:04,000 [groans] 616 00:34:07,670 --> 00:34:09,088 [inhales] 617 00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:11,174 [groans] 618 00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:12,759 It hurts to breathe. 619 00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:16,512 [sighs] 620 00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:18,598 [indistinct chatter] 621 00:34:19,474 --> 00:34:21,392 [man] Little bit of a pinch, okay? 622 00:34:22,477 --> 00:34:24,729 [Jenn exhales] 623 00:34:24,812 --> 00:34:26,439 [Ian] Good job, babe. Good job. 624 00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:28,649 So Jenn's had an autoimmune flare-up, 625 00:34:28,733 --> 00:34:31,277 which has revealed that she has gallstones. 626 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,988 Now we have to have emergency surgery to have them removed. 627 00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:35,948 So, she's pretty, uh… 628 00:34:36,032 --> 00:34:37,867 She's hit pretty hard right now. 629 00:34:39,368 --> 00:34:41,370 [indistinct chatter] 630 00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:44,665 [man] We'll come down. 631 00:34:53,299 --> 00:34:56,511 This one is not under your control. 632 00:34:57,095 --> 00:35:00,181 [Ian] So I'm headed up to White Plains for Alex 633 00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:03,017 because he is in the ER right now up at White Plains, 634 00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:06,729 and Miguel, his husband, is out of town for work. 635 00:35:07,313 --> 00:35:10,983 And so… I'm gonna go up, make sure he's okay. 636 00:35:11,067 --> 00:35:12,360 [FaceTime chiming] 637 00:35:12,443 --> 00:35:13,277 Hi. 638 00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:15,113 [Alex] What a pair. 639 00:35:15,196 --> 00:35:16,572 [both laugh] 640 00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:18,366 -Hey. -Yeah. 641 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,410 -Hey. -What's going on? 642 00:35:21,994 --> 00:35:24,664 I am in the hospital too. 643 00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:26,666 -[laughs] -Whoo! 644 00:35:26,749 --> 00:35:29,001 I would've been there, had I not been sliced open. 645 00:35:29,085 --> 00:35:30,294 [Alex] That is absolutely true. 646 00:35:31,504 --> 00:35:33,422 I just got to Alex's house. 647 00:35:33,506 --> 00:35:35,174 [poignant music playing] 648 00:35:35,258 --> 00:35:37,176 Um, got him situated. 649 00:35:37,260 --> 00:35:39,262 He's being admitted to the hospital. 650 00:35:39,345 --> 00:35:42,181 Well, he is admitted to the hospital. 651 00:35:42,682 --> 00:35:43,558 Um… 652 00:35:44,267 --> 00:35:45,601 Running some brain MRIs. 653 00:35:45,685 --> 00:35:48,604 He's definitely not himself right now. 654 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,983 Uh, I definitely think it's more than, uh, burnout. 655 00:35:53,734 --> 00:35:55,486 I'm pretty sure he's afraid. 656 00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:58,823 And I know Miguel is rushing to get back here tomorrow. 657 00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:03,244 And on the heels of Jenn, 658 00:36:03,786 --> 00:36:07,623 and that scary, uh, gallbladder procedure that just had to happen, 659 00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:11,002 it's like all the people in my life that mean the most to me 660 00:36:11,085 --> 00:36:12,837 are really going through it. 661 00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:16,507 -[Jenn] Do you want to see my cuts? -[Alex] Of course I do. 662 00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:19,802 [Jenn] They pulled it, the gallbladder, out of this. 663 00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:22,138 -[Alex] Oh, interesting. -[Jenn] You look gorgeous. 664 00:36:22,221 --> 00:36:24,390 -[laughs] -[Jenn[ Do you have a filter on? [laughs] 665 00:36:24,473 --> 00:36:25,308 No. 666 00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:27,977 Not us both in the hospital in the same week. 667 00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:30,396 I just wanted to see your guys' faces, 'cause it-- 668 00:36:30,479 --> 00:36:35,651 We've all had some really tough weeks, and Ian is, you know, mama bear. 669 00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:36,652 [chuckles] 670 00:36:37,361 --> 00:36:39,030 How are you doing? How you feeling? 671 00:36:39,113 --> 00:36:40,907 [Jenn] Went to reload yesterday and today. 672 00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:47,205 I'm just doing some really light movement, but I'm just walking, basically. 673 00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:49,999 That's funny, we were literally in the same position, 674 00:36:50,082 --> 00:36:53,753 because I'm just trying to walk in straight lines. 675 00:36:53,836 --> 00:36:55,213 -Buddy. -I'll go over… 676 00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:56,464 What's going on? 677 00:36:56,547 --> 00:37:00,843 Well, I have, um, this thing called-- Do-- What was it called, Ian? 678 00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:02,178 Guillain-Barré. 679 00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:04,513 Guillain-Barré, sounds beautiful. 680 00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:08,851 So it's like your autoimmune response goes into overdrive 681 00:37:08,935 --> 00:37:13,064 and attacks your nerve cells that talk to your muscles to move. 682 00:37:13,147 --> 00:37:15,274 It's like your proprioception is off. 683 00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:19,570 Yeah, I have no idea what that word means, but yes. [laughs] 684 00:37:19,654 --> 00:37:22,865 Your body's going like, "Fuck this, we're going to attack everything." 685 00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:23,950 [Jenn] Overreacting. 686 00:37:24,033 --> 00:37:26,369 [Alex] It can really be paralytic. 687 00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:30,581 And as you know, we're always talking about mind-body connection. 688 00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:33,251 It kind of puts all that kind of stuff in perspective, 689 00:37:33,334 --> 00:37:37,088 because you really got to figure out what's important to you 690 00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:38,089 and make it happen. 691 00:37:38,172 --> 00:37:40,258 -Yeah. -While you still can. 692 00:37:40,341 --> 00:37:41,592 Absolutely. 693 00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:44,679 [poignant music continues] 694 00:37:47,139 --> 00:37:49,308 [Jenn] Yeah, keep going. 695 00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:51,769 Love that. 696 00:37:52,311 --> 00:37:53,980 [laughs] 697 00:37:54,063 --> 00:37:58,484 [Jenn] Growing up, I always felt a little on the outside of my own family 698 00:37:58,567 --> 00:38:00,695 or a little misunderstood. 699 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:06,409 That's why my chosen family now means so much to me. 700 00:38:06,492 --> 00:38:08,411 We've just known each other for so long. 701 00:38:09,161 --> 00:38:10,454 -Where are you going? -[Sonya] Up. 702 00:38:10,538 --> 00:38:12,248 -[Jenn] How high? -[Sonya] Real high. 703 00:38:12,331 --> 00:38:13,708 [Jenn laughs] 704 00:38:13,791 --> 00:38:16,294 Six, seven, and an eight, we go. 705 00:38:17,086 --> 00:38:20,423 [Gilbert] That joy, I think that the more that you allow yourself 706 00:38:20,506 --> 00:38:24,468 to kind of get back into what brings you pleasure in your field, 707 00:38:24,552 --> 00:38:26,595 and you'll find that joy again. 708 00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:28,681 [both laughing] 709 00:38:30,057 --> 00:38:31,976 [Gilbert] Find the things that you love about it, 710 00:38:32,059 --> 00:38:33,978 talk to the people that fill you up, 711 00:38:34,061 --> 00:38:36,230 and surround yourself with those people 712 00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:40,151 and try to have fun and find the fun in what you do again. 713 00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:48,951 [Barry] Wow. 714 00:38:50,077 --> 00:38:54,665 Yeah, I mean, that's a lot to take in. 715 00:38:55,791 --> 00:38:57,626 [Jenn] Are you gonna be okay? 716 00:38:57,710 --> 00:38:58,711 Always. 717 00:38:59,670 --> 00:39:01,839 -I'm sorry. -It's okay. 718 00:39:01,922 --> 00:39:03,716 -It's how it goes. -Yeah. 719 00:39:04,508 --> 00:39:07,178 Can't feel the ups if you don't feel the downs. 720 00:39:07,261 --> 00:39:09,388 [both laugh] 721 00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:12,475 Do you feel the need to give inspirational quotes right now? 722 00:39:12,558 --> 00:39:13,559 Yeah. 723 00:39:13,642 --> 00:39:15,978 [Jenn] What other quotes do you think people should know? 724 00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:19,106 -[Barry] You know… -[Jenn laughs] 725 00:39:19,190 --> 00:39:21,692 I've always thought, and this is an original idea… 726 00:39:21,776 --> 00:39:23,778 [Jenn laughs] 727 00:39:24,987 --> 00:39:28,491 Be the change that you wish to see in the world. 728 00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:30,284 [both laugh] 729 00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:31,911 -[Jenn] Wow. That's deep. -[Barry] Yeah. 730 00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:37,249 [Jenn] Be the change you wish to see in the world. 731 00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:40,544 [dramatic music playing] 732 00:39:42,922 --> 00:39:47,426 [Gilbert] If movement is what tells your stories and tells your emotions, 733 00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:50,054 I think that's where you need to be right now. 734 00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,891 [Jenn] I know… what to do. 735 00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:59,397 It feels like I have a message to share, 736 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,857 which is why I know that my dancing is still there. 737 00:40:02,608 --> 00:40:04,485 [Gilbert] Your dance is absolutely with you. 738 00:40:06,153 --> 00:40:09,824 So that tells you a lot about what you need to do for yourself. 739 00:40:18,749 --> 00:40:20,918 [Jenn] I've always understood the world around me 740 00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:23,963 and my place in it by making dance. 741 00:40:24,755 --> 00:40:26,841 I've learned so much. 742 00:40:29,552 --> 00:40:31,679 I wanna share it with the world. 743 00:40:33,055 --> 00:40:34,890 It's time to make something. 744 00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:37,768 [Gilbert] You'll find that joy again. 745 00:40:37,852 --> 00:40:39,770 [music fades] 746 00:40:39,854 --> 00:40:40,771 [Jenn] Let's begin. 747 00:40:41,355 --> 00:40:46,902 [Sonya] ♪ You got this in the bag Literally in the bag, you're loving it ♪ 748 00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:51,365 ♪ All the possibilities are endless ♪ 749 00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:52,366 What are they? 750 00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:53,409 [all] Endless! 751 00:40:53,492 --> 00:40:55,327 -[Sonya] Who are we? Perfect. -[Ian] ♪ Perfect ♪ 752 00:40:55,411 --> 00:40:58,539 ♪ We are perfect people In a perfect space ♪ 753 00:40:58,622 --> 00:41:02,626 ♪ And we honor it With such grace and grace ♪ 754 00:41:02,710 --> 00:41:07,590 ♪ And we boop, boop, boop, boo! ♪ 755 00:41:07,715 --> 00:41:09,133 All right! 756 00:41:10,134 --> 00:41:14,180 Everything that you bring is magic and beautiful and meant to be. 757 00:41:14,263 --> 00:41:16,223 Thank you for all saying yes. 758 00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:18,684 Let's make a show. 759 00:41:18,767 --> 00:41:20,686 -[people cheering] -[Jenn] Yeah. 760 00:41:20,769 --> 00:41:26,984 Do you have any interest in telling this group how you realized? 761 00:41:27,067 --> 00:41:30,196 When I realized that this is me, 762 00:41:30,279 --> 00:41:34,575 I was completely uneducated… about autism, 763 00:41:35,075 --> 00:41:36,702 a hundred percent uneducated. 764 00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:38,871 I think most of you know the story, 765 00:41:38,954 --> 00:41:41,832 but I realized I might be autistic 766 00:41:41,916 --> 00:41:45,377 while watching Alex's docu-series about Amy Schumer. 767 00:41:46,795 --> 00:41:50,341 Uh, following Amy's pregnancy, creation of a comedy special, 768 00:41:50,424 --> 00:41:54,386 but there was a sidebar in the film about Amy's husband, Chris. 769 00:41:54,470 --> 00:42:00,434 And in the film, he ends up receiving a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. 770 00:42:01,644 --> 00:42:05,856 The way it was shown in the documentary was so-- Just suddenly. 771 00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:07,441 She loved this amazing guy. 772 00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:09,652 There was a disconnect in the way they communicated. 773 00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,070 So they went to a doctor. 774 00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:14,323 [Jenn] And it was when I was watching this episode 775 00:42:14,406 --> 00:42:17,743 that I had the epiphany that I too was autistic. 776 00:42:17,826 --> 00:42:21,080 I had never thought this about myself before. 777 00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:25,334 It was when I was watching… you speak 778 00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:29,129 and then, like, the way that your family was speaking about you. 779 00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:31,423 I still-- I don't know what it was. 780 00:42:31,507 --> 00:42:36,637 And I was like, "I really relate to whatever is happening." 781 00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:41,308 They identify that you're different, but then they don't ever tell you that. 782 00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:47,606 If you're with someone on the spectrum, you have to… love that about them. 783 00:42:47,690 --> 00:42:49,567 [Jenn] The way that I found out about myself 784 00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:52,444 was because someone else had the courage to share their story. 785 00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:54,280 That's why I want to make this show. 786 00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:55,906 I remember the moment I realized, 787 00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:59,410 and it literally felt like the world just cracked open. 788 00:42:59,493 --> 00:43:02,288 I think in most realizations you feel-- 789 00:43:02,371 --> 00:43:03,831 In something that huge, 790 00:43:03,914 --> 00:43:08,210 is that you feel the world coming down on you, 791 00:43:08,294 --> 00:43:10,921 but you felt the world cracking open. 792 00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:13,048 And I think there's something really beautiful 793 00:43:13,132 --> 00:43:19,263 about needing to feel like what you feel and the way you see is real, 794 00:43:19,930 --> 00:43:21,724 and that "It is my brain." 795 00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:27,313 An actual trait of autism, especially Level 1, is masking. 796 00:43:27,396 --> 00:43:29,732 -It just goes hand in hand. Um… -[poignant music playing] 797 00:43:29,815 --> 00:43:34,737 This idea that, like, you're not "allowed" to exist as your real self. 798 00:43:34,820 --> 00:43:39,617 So you make a habit of, like, starting to mask different aspects of yourself. 799 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:43,287 And over time it builds and builds and builds to a point where, like, 800 00:43:43,370 --> 00:43:46,874 you don't even consciously realize that you're doing it. 801 00:43:47,374 --> 00:43:50,336 Once you realize you're doing it and you have the desire to stop, 802 00:43:50,419 --> 00:43:52,004 it's nearly impossible. 803 00:43:52,087 --> 00:43:55,424 And also like this idea of knowing who you are 804 00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:59,637 underneath all of that also feels impossible. 805 00:44:01,305 --> 00:44:04,600 We have footage going all the way back to Jenn's ultrasound. 806 00:44:04,683 --> 00:44:06,602 Her father filmed everything. 807 00:44:06,685 --> 00:44:09,021 [Alex] Can you tell me about what you're putting together? 808 00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:12,066 [Sonya] It's hard to explain. 809 00:44:12,566 --> 00:44:16,695 Trying to build this analysis environment of Jenn's diagnosis, 810 00:44:16,779 --> 00:44:21,200 an expression of how she survived through movement 811 00:44:21,283 --> 00:44:24,953 and how she created a lot of her vocabulary 812 00:44:25,037 --> 00:44:29,416 through her stimming, her tics, her anxieties. 813 00:44:29,500 --> 00:44:33,003 [Jenn] When I was little, I loved the way it felt when I was dizzy. 814 00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:35,673 It made everything disappear, literally. 815 00:44:36,298 --> 00:44:38,133 [Sonya] So it's an analysis of an evolution 816 00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:41,845 of a movement vocabulary she didn't realize she was making. 817 00:44:43,180 --> 00:44:47,726 It's almost like I make the movement from an instinctual place, 818 00:44:47,810 --> 00:44:50,062 and then I'm able to look back on it 819 00:44:50,145 --> 00:44:52,564 and understand what I was feeling at the time. 820 00:44:52,648 --> 00:44:54,692 [pensive music playing] 821 00:44:55,442 --> 00:44:59,405 [Gilbert] What you did is took dance and made that your way of regulating 822 00:44:59,488 --> 00:45:02,783 from when you were little and you flapped your hands and you'd spin. 823 00:45:02,866 --> 00:45:05,160 -[Robbyn] Twirl! -[Gilbert] They became very positive. 824 00:45:05,244 --> 00:45:07,871 So I think dance connected you in so many ways 825 00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:12,668 to people in the dance world that said, "Yeah, come on, we wanna be your friend," 826 00:45:12,751 --> 00:45:15,504 because you were so into what they were into. 827 00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:18,006 -[Jenn] Spin me! -[whoops] 828 00:45:18,090 --> 00:45:21,135 [Jenn] That's what's been so powerful for me to think about. 829 00:45:21,218 --> 00:45:23,011 When I was doing those things, 830 00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:25,264 people said that I was dancing. 831 00:45:25,347 --> 00:45:27,474 That repetition of movement really connected you. 832 00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:30,686 And I think in your dance, that's communication, 833 00:45:30,769 --> 00:45:34,815 and it's connected you with so many people 'cause you don't have to use your words. 834 00:45:34,898 --> 00:45:36,984 You can use your body to say something. 835 00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:40,779 [on recording] You're an individual person looking at other individuals 836 00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:43,907 that have an easier time at socially relating, 837 00:45:43,991 --> 00:45:46,952 but they don't see the world in the beautiful way you do. 838 00:45:47,035 --> 00:45:49,913 There's something to celebrate but not see in a negative light, 839 00:45:49,997 --> 00:45:51,290 because they're really beautiful. 840 00:45:51,373 --> 00:45:52,791 Dr. Kim… 841 00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:55,794 -[Jenn] I know. She… -Can we just talk about Dr. Kim? 842 00:45:55,878 --> 00:45:58,255 That is beautifully said to reassure 843 00:45:58,338 --> 00:46:01,341 someone who has new information 844 00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:04,511 that may literally shift the trajectory of her life. 845 00:46:07,681 --> 00:46:10,517 -[dancers gasping] -[Sonya] Oh! 846 00:46:10,601 --> 00:46:12,603 -[Jenn] There we go. -[Sonya] Perfection. 847 00:46:12,686 --> 00:46:14,521 [poignant music playing] 848 00:46:14,605 --> 00:46:20,194 [Jenn] Sonya, she's been a constant in my career and my life. 849 00:46:20,944 --> 00:46:25,824 There's no part of this piece that exists without the two of us coming together. 850 00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:30,621 [Sonya] She told me on my roof, 851 00:46:30,704 --> 00:46:33,415 I thought she was-- [laughs] 852 00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:38,337 She said, "I have something to tell you." I was like, "Oh fuck." 853 00:46:41,507 --> 00:46:43,258 Got very serious. 854 00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:45,719 And then what did I ask you? "Are you pregnant?" 855 00:46:45,803 --> 00:46:47,137 -"Are you quitting?" -[Jenn] Yeah. 856 00:46:47,221 --> 00:46:48,096 What did I do? 857 00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:50,474 -It was all these questions. -[Jenn] Yeah. 858 00:46:50,557 --> 00:46:53,644 -I was like, "I'm autistic." -And then I was like, "Oh!" 859 00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:54,978 -Yeah, "Oh!" -"Oh!" 860 00:46:55,062 --> 00:46:56,605 [laughs] 861 00:46:56,688 --> 00:46:59,900 "Fuck yes. Okay. Like, now what?" 862 00:46:59,983 --> 00:47:01,401 [poignant music continues] 863 00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,070 [Jenn] That's what makes it crazy. 864 00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:07,032 It's not the actual diagnosis itself and the experience of being autistic. 865 00:47:07,115 --> 00:47:11,370 It's going through almost 34 years of your life not knowing it. 866 00:47:11,870 --> 00:47:13,580 [Sonya] We've had many experiences together, 867 00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:16,208 and those experiences are part of this too. 868 00:47:18,585 --> 00:47:21,964 Like, the struggles she's had in our friendship and our workplace. 869 00:47:22,047 --> 00:47:24,800 I just wish I knew 870 00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:29,721 because to be able to have an awareness 871 00:47:29,805 --> 00:47:36,395 of how to have her live life but also live a life she sees as lighter… 872 00:47:39,106 --> 00:47:40,816 Like, a little lighter. [cries] 873 00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:43,861 I didn't know. 874 00:47:44,736 --> 00:47:46,238 [Jenn] That's the point. 875 00:47:46,321 --> 00:47:50,409 If you don't know, you don't even have a starting point. 876 00:47:50,492 --> 00:47:52,744 -You don't even have a chance. -[Sonya] Yeah. 877 00:47:52,828 --> 00:47:55,163 What's crazy is that you feel sad or bad about it, 878 00:47:55,247 --> 00:47:58,125 but I felt the most seen by you. 879 00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:01,086 That's ironic. 880 00:48:02,087 --> 00:48:04,047 [Sonya] Let's make this show together. 881 00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:06,800 [Jenn] Together. 882 00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:10,262 Don't come near me, I'm gonna cry. 883 00:48:10,345 --> 00:48:12,681 ♪ Love you But you're gonna lose your mind ♪ 884 00:48:12,764 --> 00:48:17,060 ♪ I'm gonna do it In the musical theater fashion ♪ 885 00:48:17,144 --> 00:48:20,147 -♪ Maybe you won't cry ♪ -[laughs] 886 00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:22,983 ["You Were Right" by Virginia Marcs playing] 887 00:48:23,066 --> 00:48:26,528 ♪ Are these still my hands? ♪ 888 00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:28,947 ♪ I can't feel them ♪ 889 00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:33,452 ♪ Don't recognize them anymore… ♪ 890 00:48:34,536 --> 00:48:37,748 [Jenn] I'm experiencing some serious burnout 891 00:48:37,831 --> 00:48:40,584 at a level that, like, I've ever experienced before. 892 00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:43,003 Literally not even being able to move. 893 00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:46,965 So that's why, like, this process and to make this piece, 894 00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:50,010 doing this now is serendipitous in a way 895 00:48:50,093 --> 00:48:54,473 because… I feel so far away from, like, what I knew before 896 00:48:54,556 --> 00:48:58,602 that, like, if I don't step into something like this now, 897 00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:00,896 I feel like I might lose it. 898 00:49:00,979 --> 00:49:01,980 -[Sonya] Yeah. -You know? 899 00:49:04,024 --> 00:49:09,029 Like, I need to know myself back in this place that feels like home. 900 00:49:09,112 --> 00:49:10,572 Like it used to. 901 00:49:10,656 --> 00:49:12,032 [inaudible dialogue] 902 00:49:12,115 --> 00:49:16,244 [Jenn] Or else I don't know if I will step back into it. 903 00:49:16,328 --> 00:49:17,871 ["You Were Right" continues] 904 00:49:17,955 --> 00:49:20,832 I love these people. 905 00:49:20,916 --> 00:49:21,875 They're family to me. 906 00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:26,004 So there's something about the combination of hearing Kim 907 00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:28,632 and then seeing them in the space. 908 00:49:28,715 --> 00:49:33,595 Thank you so much to every single person in this room. 909 00:49:33,679 --> 00:49:37,849 I don't know. It's like life and art meet 910 00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:42,312 in this, like, really cool way that I've never experienced before for myself. 911 00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:46,316 I've witnessed that happening for other people, but not for me. 912 00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:47,859 So, it's really cool. 913 00:49:48,652 --> 00:49:51,822 Okay, Jenn, why don't you play it for us since you put it… 914 00:49:51,905 --> 00:49:55,075 [Gilbert on recording] So that's kind of everything in a nutshell. 915 00:49:55,158 --> 00:49:57,411 Do you have questions for me? 916 00:49:58,161 --> 00:50:00,330 Oh! 917 00:50:00,414 --> 00:50:04,960 -[Jenn] Yeah. -Okay! 918 00:50:05,043 --> 00:50:07,129 -That's exciting. Hit it again. -[Jenn] Yeah. 919 00:50:08,630 --> 00:50:12,092 [Gilbert] Um, So that's kind of everything in a nutshell. 920 00:50:12,175 --> 00:50:13,760 Do you have questions for me? 921 00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:18,223 That might be the fucking… thing that unlocks it. 922 00:50:18,306 --> 00:50:19,933 -[Jenn] Yep. -[Sonya] "Yes, I do." 923 00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:23,562 "And it's right-- And here are my questions." Literally. 924 00:50:24,354 --> 00:50:27,274 That's great. Hit it again. Good job, Jenn. 925 00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:29,276 [Gilbert] Do you have questions for me? 926 00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:31,528 Love it. Let's keep going. 927 00:50:32,112 --> 00:50:34,114 ["You Were Right" continues] 928 00:50:38,368 --> 00:50:45,375 ♪ I'm more than what you see ♪ 929 00:50:48,420 --> 00:50:49,629 Look at this. 930 00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:52,007 All my hair is breaking. 931 00:50:54,217 --> 00:50:56,303 I'm literally losing, like, 932 00:50:57,262 --> 00:50:58,555 tons of hair. 933 00:50:59,598 --> 00:51:01,224 -Look at this. -[song fades] 934 00:51:01,308 --> 00:51:02,601 All broken. 935 00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:05,854 And my hair is, like, falling out. 936 00:51:06,354 --> 00:51:08,315 What is happening to me? 937 00:51:08,815 --> 00:51:10,817 [crickets chirping] 938 00:51:14,821 --> 00:51:17,449 How long am I just gonna be like this? 939 00:51:28,376 --> 00:51:30,337 -I don't feel good. -[Ian] Hm? 940 00:51:30,420 --> 00:51:31,922 I don't feel good. 941 00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:37,719 Do you want to talk to Alex? 942 00:51:38,220 --> 00:51:40,263 He deals with this stuff a lot too. 943 00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:43,683 [sniffles softly] 944 00:51:47,145 --> 00:51:48,105 [sniffles] 945 00:51:50,524 --> 00:51:51,858 Alex. [sniffles] 946 00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:52,859 [Ian] What? 947 00:51:53,485 --> 00:51:54,945 [softly] I'm gonna call Alex. 948 00:51:55,695 --> 00:51:57,697 [FaceTime dialing] 949 00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:02,410 [line dialing] 950 00:52:04,287 --> 00:52:06,289 [dialing continues] 951 00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:10,919 -[poignant music playing] -[dialing continues] 952 00:52:11,002 --> 00:52:12,379 [Ian] Still no? 953 00:52:16,967 --> 00:52:18,677 Waiting for Alex to call me. 954 00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:19,970 [sniffles] 955 00:52:20,053 --> 00:52:22,139 -[Ian] Okay. -[sniffles] 956 00:52:22,222 --> 00:52:23,557 [FaceTime dialing] 957 00:52:27,185 --> 00:52:28,520 Hey. It's Alex. 958 00:52:28,603 --> 00:52:29,479 -Hey, guys. -Hey. 959 00:52:29,563 --> 00:52:31,690 -Where have you been? -What's going on? 960 00:52:31,773 --> 00:52:32,899 [Alex] Uh… 961 00:52:33,608 --> 00:52:36,778 Well, I was back in the hospital. 962 00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:38,697 [Ian] What happened? 963 00:52:38,780 --> 00:52:41,116 [Alex] It was the same thing that happened before. 964 00:52:41,199 --> 00:52:42,742 [Jenn] That's awful. Why? 965 00:52:43,910 --> 00:52:50,625 [Alex] I have a variant of Guillain-Barré called Miller Fisher syndrome. 966 00:52:51,168 --> 00:52:54,838 And it just keeps coming back again, again, and again. 967 00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:56,256 [Jenn] How is this happening? 968 00:52:56,339 --> 00:52:58,508 [Alex] For me specifically, 969 00:52:58,592 --> 00:53:01,386 they don't really know what has been causing it 970 00:53:01,469 --> 00:53:04,723 other than mental and physical stress. 971 00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:10,020 But this kind of stuff has been happening since I can remember. 972 00:53:10,103 --> 00:53:11,396 [Ian] What do you mean? 973 00:53:12,105 --> 00:53:15,150 I really don't understand it. Um… 974 00:53:16,359 --> 00:53:19,154 But it is part of something bigger, you know? 975 00:53:19,237 --> 00:53:20,530 [Ian] Do you want to share? 976 00:53:20,614 --> 00:53:22,616 [poignant music continues] 977 00:53:23,825 --> 00:53:25,035 [Alex] It affects me in a way 978 00:53:25,118 --> 00:53:28,455 where I can't-- physically and mentally can't function. 979 00:53:28,538 --> 00:53:30,999 [Jenn] Can you explain that a little bit more? 980 00:53:31,082 --> 00:53:34,377 [Alex] Well, I always understood what depression was 981 00:53:34,461 --> 00:53:36,671 because I was always deep, deep in it. 982 00:53:37,631 --> 00:53:38,757 [Jenn] I didn't realize that. 983 00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:40,634 [Alex] And I always knew the word "anxiety," 984 00:53:40,717 --> 00:53:43,428 but for some reason, I didn't really know what it meant. 985 00:53:43,511 --> 00:53:46,139 Once I really learned what it meant, 986 00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:48,725 I realized like, "Oh, that's my baseline." 987 00:53:51,937 --> 00:53:55,357 [Jenn] The reality is that it's always like that for me. 988 00:53:55,440 --> 00:53:58,401 I've had depression and anxiety, like, 989 00:53:58,902 --> 00:54:04,616 for so long that I didn't even know that I was suffering 990 00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:07,994 because I thought that that's just how life was. 991 00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:10,372 [Alex] Same. 992 00:54:11,665 --> 00:54:15,585 -Yeah, I've been on medication for years. -Yeah. 993 00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:17,837 It's taking away the edge, 994 00:54:17,921 --> 00:54:20,423 but you still have these huge bouts of anxiety. 995 00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:22,592 You still have these bouts of depression. 996 00:54:23,260 --> 00:54:25,220 You literally couldn't be healthier. 997 00:54:25,303 --> 00:54:27,514 -Yeah. -You couldn't exercise more. 998 00:54:27,597 --> 00:54:28,640 You're also sober. 999 00:54:28,723 --> 00:54:32,269 Like, what the fuck else are you supposed to do better? 1000 00:54:32,352 --> 00:54:34,854 -Yeah. -And then you're still feeling like this. 1001 00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:38,275 [Alex] Well, basically, 1002 00:54:38,858 --> 00:54:42,612 I really feel like I could share this with you guys, uh, now. 1003 00:54:43,196 --> 00:54:46,199 We learned a while ago that I'm actually, um… 1004 00:54:47,951 --> 00:54:49,035 bipolar. 1005 00:54:49,703 --> 00:54:53,957 And… it, uh, affects me 1006 00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:56,835 in more ways than I would like to admit. 1007 00:54:56,918 --> 00:55:00,255 -My immune system can go bananas. -Yeah. 1008 00:55:00,338 --> 00:55:04,426 And then my body just… breaks down. 1009 00:55:04,509 --> 00:55:05,593 [Jenn] Same. 1010 00:55:05,677 --> 00:55:07,012 I'm void. 1011 00:55:07,762 --> 00:55:09,014 -Yeah. -I'm empty. 1012 00:55:10,015 --> 00:55:11,975 -There's nothing. -Yeah. 1013 00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:16,646 [Jenn] We're not working towards eliminating these episodes. 1014 00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:17,897 [Alex] Right. 1015 00:55:17,981 --> 00:55:22,360 [Jenn] You're actually working towards accepting them as part of your life. 1016 00:55:24,362 --> 00:55:26,323 [Alex] Aren't I supposed to be comforting you? 1017 00:55:26,406 --> 00:55:27,532 [Jenn] I understand. 1018 00:55:27,615 --> 00:55:31,328 But, like, knowing you're not alone, it's not your fault, 1019 00:55:31,411 --> 00:55:36,124 that's enough sometimes to just get someone, like, moving forward. 1020 00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:39,169 [Alex] Thank you for listening. 1021 00:55:39,252 --> 00:55:42,047 [Alex] Saying it out loud is-- That's the hardest part. 1022 00:55:42,130 --> 00:55:44,841 -[Alex] Well, you make it easier. -[music fades] 1023 00:55:44,924 --> 00:55:47,969 You and I still got some shit to figure out. 1024 00:55:48,053 --> 00:55:50,055 [wind blowing] 1025 00:55:50,138 --> 00:55:53,224 [Ian] Do you feel sadness or do you feel relief right now? 1026 00:55:54,017 --> 00:55:56,895 No, I just feel like I'm changing. 1027 00:56:03,443 --> 00:56:07,906 I'm changing, and, like, it feels sad… 1028 00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:11,326 but good. 1029 00:56:13,661 --> 00:56:16,414 [VCR clicking] 1030 00:56:16,498 --> 00:56:17,332 [tape whirs] 1031 00:56:17,415 --> 00:56:19,709 [Ian] What type of changes are you feeling? 1032 00:56:19,793 --> 00:56:24,339 No, I think it's just letting go of, like, the idea of [sniffles] what I-- 1033 00:56:24,422 --> 00:56:27,467 Like, what I thought, um, I was. 1034 00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:31,096 [woman on tape] Jennifer is a straight-A student, 1035 00:56:31,179 --> 00:56:33,556 who likes school and loves to dance. 1036 00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:36,684 When she is older, Jennifer hopes to be a famous dancer. 1037 00:56:36,768 --> 00:56:39,896 Jennifer would like to thank her family for helping her so much with dance. 1038 00:56:39,979 --> 00:56:41,940 She loves them very much. 1039 00:56:42,023 --> 00:56:43,983 [ethereal music playing] 1040 00:56:44,067 --> 00:56:46,986 [Jenn] I was obsessed with it. 1041 00:56:48,029 --> 00:56:49,781 Always have been, always will be. 1042 00:56:51,324 --> 00:56:57,330 I liked that I lost myself in, like, the hard work and the dancing. 1043 00:56:57,414 --> 00:56:59,416 [percussive dance music playing] 1044 00:57:01,042 --> 00:57:04,546 So would you say at those times you're at peace when you're dancing? 1045 00:57:04,629 --> 00:57:06,256 -Yeah. -[pensive music playing] 1046 00:57:06,339 --> 00:57:09,676 I think nothing else exists, 1047 00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:14,973 but I'm also going to a place of just ignoring my needs completely. 1048 00:57:18,893 --> 00:57:20,895 Being in the dance world, 1049 00:57:20,979 --> 00:57:27,235 you're constantly surrounded by people who are not honoring balance. 1050 00:57:28,027 --> 00:57:30,989 'Cause it's just a culture of… 1051 00:57:32,824 --> 00:57:34,117 pushing. 1052 00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:36,202 [poignant music playing] 1053 00:57:39,664 --> 00:57:43,960 Your pattern has been to just push until you fall over. 1054 00:57:46,588 --> 00:57:49,799 I actually burned out. 1055 00:57:55,889 --> 00:57:57,891 [music fades] 1056 00:57:59,225 --> 00:58:00,810 [Gilbert] When we talked about burnout, 1057 00:58:00,894 --> 00:58:06,274 the lever, the switch for doing for people with ASD across the board 1058 00:58:06,357 --> 00:58:08,776 is that it goes all the way to the end. 1059 00:58:08,860 --> 00:58:11,070 And so, you know how to push yourself 1060 00:58:11,154 --> 00:58:13,406 to the point where you're falling onto the floor. 1061 00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:15,492 [pensive music playing] 1062 00:58:17,702 --> 00:58:24,709 [Holland]♪ How do I know When I'm finished? ♪ 1063 00:58:26,377 --> 00:58:30,798 ♪ 'Cause when I'm finished ♪ 1064 00:58:30,882 --> 00:58:36,888 ♪ There's always more to do More to do, more to do ♪ 1065 00:58:36,971 --> 00:58:42,227 ♪ More to do, more to, more ♪ 1066 00:58:42,310 --> 00:58:43,436 ♪ More ♪ 1067 00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:44,896 [Jenn] I feel crazy. 1068 00:58:47,941 --> 00:58:50,235 I feel crazy. I feel like I don't know… 1069 00:58:51,694 --> 00:58:52,946 anything. 1070 00:58:56,824 --> 00:58:58,868 I feel scared, 1071 00:59:00,161 --> 00:59:01,454 and… 1072 00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:05,959 I didn't know that… 1073 00:59:08,461 --> 00:59:10,129 it was gonna be this hard… 1074 00:59:15,009 --> 00:59:16,886 learning all of this about myself. 1075 00:59:16,970 --> 00:59:23,935 ♪ No time to wait ♪ 1076 00:59:24,018 --> 00:59:25,937 ♪ Or think ♪ 1077 00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:30,817 ♪ How do I know how? ♪ 1078 00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:33,736 [Jenn] There's a change when you're actually able to acknowledge 1079 00:59:34,988 --> 00:59:39,200 and name experiences and feelings that you've been having forever. 1080 00:59:39,284 --> 00:59:42,579 Just makes it… a lot more real. 1081 00:59:43,538 --> 00:59:44,998 [Holland] ♪ Go ♪ 1082 00:59:47,417 --> 00:59:50,086 ♪ Go ♪ 1083 00:59:52,255 --> 00:59:54,424 [Gilbert] It's hard because you are so tired, and that's… 1084 00:59:54,507 --> 00:59:56,509 When we talk about "all or nothing" thinking, 1085 00:59:56,593 --> 00:59:58,094 it's "all or nothing" doing. 1086 00:59:58,177 --> 01:00:00,805 [Holland] ♪ Go, go, go, go ♪ 1087 01:00:00,888 --> 01:00:02,890 [Gilbert] You also have a tendency to do the extreme. 1088 01:00:02,974 --> 01:00:06,769 So it's almost like you run yourself completely into the ground, 1089 01:00:06,853 --> 01:00:10,273 and your body's just like, "Wait a second, we have to stop." 1090 01:00:12,817 --> 01:00:16,279 ♪ Keep going, go, go ♪ 1091 01:00:18,573 --> 01:00:20,491 Yeah. How is your hip? 1092 01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:22,243 [Jenn] It's been really bad. 1093 01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:26,623 I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do, and nothing's helping. 1094 01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:28,666 So it's starting to feel a little scary. 1095 01:00:28,750 --> 01:00:30,251 [Holland] ♪ Go ♪ 1096 01:00:33,963 --> 01:00:35,673 [Borowski] Does anything make it feel better? 1097 01:00:35,757 --> 01:00:36,799 [Jenn] If I'm being honest, 1098 01:00:36,883 --> 01:00:39,427 I've had chronic pain since I was a teenager. 1099 01:00:39,510 --> 01:00:40,970 [Holland] ♪ Shh ♪ 1100 01:00:41,054 --> 01:00:42,055 [Jenn] Right there. 1101 01:00:42,138 --> 01:00:45,266 [Holland] ♪ Do more, go ♪ 1102 01:00:45,350 --> 01:00:48,269 [Gilbert] And have you been to someone that's looked at all your blood work 1103 01:00:48,353 --> 01:00:51,272 to look to see if there's anything going on that's autoimmune? 1104 01:00:51,356 --> 01:00:52,940 And I know we talked about this, 1105 01:00:53,024 --> 01:00:57,070 but there's a higher correlation of autoimmune and ASD. 1106 01:00:57,570 --> 01:00:59,447 [Holland] ♪ Go ♪ 1107 01:01:00,531 --> 01:01:03,785 My markers for lupus were… 1108 01:01:03,868 --> 01:01:05,536 [Holland] ♪Go ♪ 1109 01:01:05,620 --> 01:01:06,454 …high. 1110 01:01:08,539 --> 01:01:11,292 [Holland] ♪ Go… ♪ 1111 01:01:11,376 --> 01:01:14,337 [Borowski] You have a different scenario than a lot of other dancers. 1112 01:01:14,420 --> 01:01:17,256 You have this underlying diagnosis, autoimmune issue. 1113 01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:20,343 [Jenn] I know that stress can kick off a reaction. 1114 01:01:20,426 --> 01:01:22,136 [Sonya] Don't worry about the money now. 1115 01:01:22,220 --> 01:01:25,515 -I don't wanna self-produce a show again. -[Joseph] You're not going to. 1116 01:01:25,598 --> 01:01:28,434 [Jenn] Especially a show that I'm performing in. 1117 01:01:28,518 --> 01:01:32,522 The biggest grant that we applied for, we didn't get. 1118 01:01:32,605 --> 01:01:34,482 We were finalists, so we were close, 1119 01:01:34,565 --> 01:01:36,067 but it's always a big bummer 1120 01:01:36,150 --> 01:01:39,737 because it's kind of a start-over with fundraising now. 1121 01:01:40,238 --> 01:01:43,825 [Gilbert] You have been taught to endure pain. 1122 01:01:43,908 --> 01:01:46,285 You've been taught to endure discomfort. 1123 01:01:46,369 --> 01:01:48,413 ♪ What should I do? ♪ 1124 01:01:48,496 --> 01:01:50,331 [Jenn] So that's where I just get overwhelmed. 1125 01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:52,417 [Holland] ♪ More ♪ 1126 01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:54,585 [Jenn] I just want to focus on one thing. 1127 01:01:57,922 --> 01:02:00,842 Everything besides my show, like teaching and choreographing, 1128 01:02:00,925 --> 01:02:02,760 they're not just side jobs. 1129 01:02:03,928 --> 01:02:05,596 I put everything into them. 1130 01:02:06,764 --> 01:02:09,559 But it's just what it takes from me. 1131 01:02:09,642 --> 01:02:13,771 [Holland] ♪ No time to wait ♪ 1132 01:02:13,855 --> 01:02:16,774 ♪ No time to think ♪ 1133 01:02:16,858 --> 01:02:19,902 ♪ No time to feel ♪ 1134 01:02:19,986 --> 01:02:22,739 ♪ Should I do more? ♪ 1135 01:02:22,822 --> 01:02:25,116 ♪ I'll do more ♪ 1136 01:02:25,199 --> 01:02:27,744 ♪ I'll do more ♪ 1137 01:02:27,827 --> 01:02:34,834 ♪ Do more ♪ 1138 01:02:38,671 --> 01:02:42,300 [Gilbert] And that's a huge drain to kind of go through that 1139 01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:43,926 and to reveal yourself. 1140 01:02:44,010 --> 01:02:45,762 And that's why, as you're saying, 1141 01:02:45,845 --> 01:02:49,015 "I've been through a lot, and I just want to be still." 1142 01:02:49,098 --> 01:02:51,100 [breathing heavily] 1143 01:03:04,322 --> 01:03:07,074 [Jenn] I'm just trying to, like, keep showing up every day. 1144 01:03:07,158 --> 01:03:10,161 -[Alex] Yeah. -Whether I know what I'm doing or not. 1145 01:03:15,291 --> 01:03:19,212 [Holland] ♪ Go, go, go ♪ 1146 01:03:20,505 --> 01:03:25,009 ♪ What should I do more? ♪ 1147 01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:31,641 ♪ Should I do more? ♪ 1148 01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:39,440 ♪ Should I? Should I? Should I?♪ 1149 01:03:39,524 --> 01:03:40,983 ♪ Should I? ♪ 1150 01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:43,569 [Ian] It's the cost of our living that's burning you out? 1151 01:03:43,653 --> 01:03:47,865 [Jenn] Yeah, I just need the burden of supporting our lifestyle to go away. 1152 01:03:48,658 --> 01:03:50,618 [Ian] We can also cancel your show 1153 01:03:50,701 --> 01:03:53,788 because the last thing you should be doing the show for is for the other, 1154 01:03:53,871 --> 01:03:56,123 the outside world, Sonya or Alex or-- 1155 01:03:56,207 --> 01:03:59,460 I'm not. I want to make this show. 1156 01:04:00,962 --> 01:04:04,674 But that's all I want to do. I don't want to do anything else. 1157 01:04:04,757 --> 01:04:05,883 [Ian] Let's make that happen. 1158 01:04:05,967 --> 01:04:11,889 ♪ Should I do more? ♪ 1159 01:04:11,973 --> 01:04:14,225 ♪ I'll do more… ♪ 1160 01:04:14,308 --> 01:04:16,018 [Sonya on screen] You gotta lean on me, boo. 1161 01:04:16,102 --> 01:04:18,437 You're not putting anything on me. You're my sister. 1162 01:04:18,521 --> 01:04:22,024 -[Jenn] How do you have capacity? -[Sonya] You're-- I'm obsessed. 1163 01:04:22,108 --> 01:04:23,442 I'm obsessed with dance. 1164 01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:24,694 I'm obsessed with ideas. 1165 01:04:24,777 --> 01:04:27,697 I'm obsessed with my soul sister feeling better. 1166 01:04:28,364 --> 01:04:32,034 -Fall, literally collapse on me. I got it. -[laughs softly] 1167 01:04:32,118 --> 01:04:35,955 [Jenn] I'm only in this for, like, the reason of sharing. 1168 01:04:36,038 --> 01:04:37,498 It's the little ripples, you know? 1169 01:04:37,582 --> 01:04:41,836 The most important thing is the people who need to see this piece see the piece. 1170 01:04:41,919 --> 01:04:43,671 That's a lot of people. 1171 01:04:43,754 --> 01:04:45,172 [Alex] We'll find a way. 1172 01:04:45,256 --> 01:04:47,675 [Jenn] I know the show is happening. Like, I see that. 1173 01:04:48,301 --> 01:04:50,219 Like, that I know in my soul. 1174 01:04:50,303 --> 01:04:53,598 I don't know where or when it's happening. And I don't know how it's happening. 1175 01:04:53,681 --> 01:04:54,557 [Alex chuckles] 1176 01:04:54,640 --> 01:04:56,058 [poignant music playing] 1177 01:04:56,142 --> 01:05:01,522 [Jenn] So much of this career is maybe not super healthy for me. 1178 01:05:02,440 --> 01:05:07,486 Yes, it's been all the great things, but I would not recommend it for everyone. 1179 01:05:08,446 --> 01:05:10,907 It's just my special interest, 1180 01:05:10,990 --> 01:05:14,327 and what was helpful for me was dance. 1181 01:05:15,328 --> 01:05:18,289 [Ian] What are you scared about the most 1182 01:05:18,372 --> 01:05:20,750 when you think of packing up and leaving the city? 1183 01:05:21,459 --> 01:05:23,252 Now that you know it's happening. 1184 01:05:23,336 --> 01:05:25,504 Just a lot of change all at once. 1185 01:05:25,588 --> 01:05:29,634 And I… don't know what the future looks like. 1186 01:05:29,717 --> 01:05:31,260 [Ian] We're selling our dream home 1187 01:05:31,844 --> 01:05:35,765 that we now no longer can justifiably keep. 1188 01:05:35,848 --> 01:05:38,809 Can't afford it, making the art that I wanna be making. 1189 01:05:38,893 --> 01:05:42,647 Yeah, I made the decision to cancel everything this fall. 1190 01:05:42,730 --> 01:05:45,399 I don't know what's gonna happen. I've never done this before. 1191 01:05:45,483 --> 01:05:48,569 I just turned down $50,000 worth of work. 1192 01:05:48,653 --> 01:05:50,696 [Ian] You said five, right? Not 50? 1193 01:05:51,197 --> 01:05:56,202 -♪ Fifty thousand dollars' worth of work ♪ -[Ian] Oh. [laughs] 1194 01:05:56,285 --> 01:05:58,287 Feels good. Oh, yeah. 1195 01:05:58,371 --> 01:05:59,747 -[laughs] -[Ian exhales] 1196 01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:02,124 Okay, here we go. Cheers. 1197 01:06:02,208 --> 01:06:04,001 Cheers, I can't afford pants anymore. 1198 01:06:04,085 --> 01:06:05,836 [both laugh] 1199 01:06:06,754 --> 01:06:11,092 Yeah, I have no fucking clue what's next other than this show. 1200 01:06:11,175 --> 01:06:15,805 It feels like taking steps back to take steps forward, for sure. 1201 01:06:15,888 --> 01:06:17,390 That's like us, babe. 1202 01:06:17,473 --> 01:06:19,684 -[Ian] The two street rats? -[Jenn] Yeah, from Jersey. 1203 01:06:19,767 --> 01:06:22,478 -[Ian] Two street rats moving to Jersey. -You're the fatter one. 1204 01:06:22,561 --> 01:06:24,647 -I'm the fat--? -[both laugh] 1205 01:06:25,940 --> 01:06:28,985 [Jenn] Well, we won't be walking distance from this view anymore. 1206 01:06:29,068 --> 01:06:30,027 [Ian] No, ma'am. 1207 01:06:30,111 --> 01:06:32,113 But I imagine that even if we fail forward, 1208 01:06:32,196 --> 01:06:35,866 we'll be better off than staying here watching the ducks swim by. 1209 01:06:36,367 --> 01:06:37,660 Also, straight line. 1210 01:06:37,743 --> 01:06:40,371 [Jenn] They're saying, "Get your ducks in a row." 1211 01:06:40,454 --> 01:06:42,957 -[Gilbert] It's what balance feels like. -[Jenn] Yeah. 1212 01:06:43,040 --> 01:06:44,166 Maybe in your work, 1213 01:06:44,250 --> 01:06:47,545 you're going to help redefine that for the dance world. 1214 01:06:47,628 --> 01:06:49,630 [hopeful music playing] 1215 01:06:51,298 --> 01:06:53,592 [Gilbert] Pushing as an athlete is important, 1216 01:06:53,676 --> 01:06:55,261 but the rest is important. 1217 01:06:55,344 --> 01:06:57,471 The nutrition is important, the balance. 1218 01:06:57,555 --> 01:07:01,267 Your mind, your health, your emotions, all of that's a part of that. 1219 01:07:01,350 --> 01:07:03,936 And I would imagine that when that's all in balance, 1220 01:07:04,020 --> 01:07:06,605 you're going to have the most incredible performance. 1221 01:07:06,689 --> 01:07:10,776 [Jenn] Yeah, that's what I'm wanting to find, what that looks like. 1222 01:07:10,860 --> 01:07:12,278 [woman] Thank you, Jennifer. 1223 01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:14,321 -Yeah, I like that, what that looks like. -Yeah. 1224 01:07:14,405 --> 01:07:16,407 -Yeah, because you don't know it yet. -Mm. 1225 01:07:16,490 --> 01:07:17,533 But you're finding it. 1226 01:07:19,118 --> 01:07:20,578 [Ian] The best type of art is the art 1227 01:07:20,661 --> 01:07:23,539 is the art you're not totally aware you're making. 1228 01:07:23,622 --> 01:07:26,000 You're just ever present in it. 1229 01:07:26,792 --> 01:07:30,546 Like Jenn, I'm seeing the world now through a new set of eyes myself, 1230 01:07:30,629 --> 01:07:34,258 and starting to understand what may have connected me to Jenn in the first place, 1231 01:07:34,341 --> 01:07:38,012 and what connected her to me, and why we so quickly just… 1232 01:07:38,929 --> 01:07:40,973 I'm trying to grapple this grit factor 1233 01:07:41,057 --> 01:07:44,101 of growing up a punk-ass sad kid in the '90s 1234 01:07:44,185 --> 01:07:45,603 that drank way too much too young, 1235 01:07:45,686 --> 01:07:49,482 where you just shove your shit down and be tough and get through. 1236 01:07:49,565 --> 01:07:54,403 I gotta let go of that old Ian completely, and that's been pretty fucking hard, 1237 01:07:54,487 --> 01:07:57,948 doing that in tandem with her right now in this time. 1238 01:07:58,449 --> 01:07:59,909 [groans] 1239 01:08:00,993 --> 01:08:02,495 My head hurts so bad. 1240 01:08:02,578 --> 01:08:03,662 [Ian] Where are the keys? 1241 01:08:04,246 --> 01:08:05,873 [Jenn] Did I have the keys? 1242 01:08:08,000 --> 01:08:09,001 [Ian] Be right back. 1243 01:08:09,835 --> 01:08:11,504 [Alex] He seems stressed. 1244 01:08:13,714 --> 01:08:16,300 -He's going through it right now. -[Alex] Okay. 1245 01:08:17,343 --> 01:08:20,596 [plastic wrap squeak-squealing] 1246 01:08:25,142 --> 01:08:26,143 [Jenn groans softly] 1247 01:08:33,526 --> 01:08:38,197 I'm having my last bath in our New York City apartment, 1248 01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:40,658 but I think it's all good. 1249 01:08:40,741 --> 01:08:43,077 We're moving to Jersey for a little while. 1250 01:08:43,160 --> 01:08:44,995 For who knows how long, actually. 1251 01:08:45,079 --> 01:08:47,540 [serene music playing] 1252 01:08:47,623 --> 01:08:48,624 But first… 1253 01:08:50,835 --> 01:08:57,842 [Holland] ♪ Take me home ♪ 1254 01:09:03,097 --> 01:09:06,725 ♪ Take me… ♪ 1255 01:09:06,809 --> 01:09:09,436 [automated voice] Persistent deficits in social communication 1256 01:09:09,520 --> 01:09:12,731 and social interaction across multiple contexts. 1257 01:09:12,815 --> 01:09:19,446 ♪ Take me home ♪ 1258 01:09:21,073 --> 01:09:27,496 ♪ Home ♪ 1259 01:09:27,580 --> 01:09:30,708 [pensive percussive music playing] 1260 01:09:30,791 --> 01:09:33,419 [Gilbert] That was a really beautiful place for you to grow up,1 1261 01:09:33,502 --> 01:09:38,382 a place where you felt very secure and at home. 1262 01:09:38,465 --> 01:09:40,718 Being out in nature is very soothing. 1263 01:09:40,801 --> 01:09:41,802 -[Jenn yelps] -[Ian yells] 1264 01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:42,887 -Jenn! -[screams] 1265 01:09:42,970 --> 01:09:44,555 -Damn it! -[Ian laughing] 1266 01:09:44,638 --> 01:09:47,391 [Gilbert] Less of an environment that is pressing on you 1267 01:09:47,474 --> 01:09:51,395 to have a response or to be sensory regulated. 1268 01:09:51,478 --> 01:09:53,105 [train horn blowing] 1269 01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:57,026 [Jenn] At the same time that I'm having all of this clarity, 1270 01:09:57,693 --> 01:10:00,613 I also feel kind of adolescent in a way. 1271 01:10:01,405 --> 01:10:05,075 I really feel like I'm experiencing everything for the first time again. 1272 01:10:05,159 --> 01:10:07,912 -♪ I'm home ♪ -[music fades] 1273 01:10:07,995 --> 01:10:11,415 And so I have this instant desire to know where this came from. 1274 01:10:11,498 --> 01:10:13,792 [hopeful music playing] 1275 01:10:14,376 --> 01:10:19,048 It's just so confusing to me because there's so much love there, 1276 01:10:19,131 --> 01:10:22,259 but no chance of successful communication. 1277 01:10:22,343 --> 01:10:23,344 That's what it feels like. 1278 01:10:23,427 --> 01:10:24,303 [laughs] 1279 01:10:24,929 --> 01:10:31,101 But I just had this deep feeling that I had to leave. 1280 01:10:31,185 --> 01:10:32,228 [Gilbert] Yeah. 1281 01:10:33,062 --> 01:10:34,980 I felt nothing leaving home. 1282 01:10:37,358 --> 01:10:40,361 [thunder rumbling] 1283 01:10:40,444 --> 01:10:43,280 [automated voice] Deficits in non-verbal communicative behaviors 1284 01:10:43,364 --> 01:10:45,532 used for social interaction. 1285 01:10:45,616 --> 01:10:46,867 [poignant music playing] 1286 01:10:46,951 --> 01:10:51,372 [Robbyn] There's a difference between loving and needing. 1287 01:10:52,456 --> 01:10:55,125 You haven't ever really needed me. 1288 01:10:55,626 --> 01:10:57,002 Mom. 1289 01:10:57,753 --> 01:10:59,421 That's not true. 1290 01:11:00,965 --> 01:11:04,802 [Robbyn] Jennifer… can you say, "Happy Mother's Day"? 1291 01:11:05,469 --> 01:11:07,721 Mother's Day. 1292 01:11:07,805 --> 01:11:08,973 [Robbyn] Yeah. 1293 01:11:09,056 --> 01:11:11,517 [Jenn] I got called selfish a lot when I was little. 1294 01:11:11,600 --> 01:11:12,559 [toddler Jenn] Let go! 1295 01:11:12,643 --> 01:11:15,437 [Robbyn] What are you trying to push me away for? 1296 01:11:16,021 --> 01:11:17,648 [Jenn] More combative. 1297 01:11:17,731 --> 01:11:19,233 [poignant music continues] 1298 01:11:19,316 --> 01:11:22,194 Told that I don't care about my family. 1299 01:11:23,279 --> 01:11:24,530 So I started to believe that. 1300 01:11:25,489 --> 01:11:26,740 Once you get a diagnosis 1301 01:11:26,824 --> 01:11:30,661 and then you also have the information that it's genetic or it runs in families, 1302 01:11:30,744 --> 01:11:32,579 you start to look at your family. 1303 01:11:32,663 --> 01:11:36,875 -You just threw a lot on my… brain. -[Jenn] Sorry. 1304 01:11:38,335 --> 01:11:40,212 [Robbyn] I can't control her. 1305 01:11:40,296 --> 01:11:42,715 The way I was raised, when my mom said, "boo," 1306 01:11:42,798 --> 01:11:44,216 you jumped. 1307 01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:46,385 That's never, ever happened for me. 1308 01:11:47,303 --> 01:11:50,139 [Jenn] It feels like it really all stems from communication. 1309 01:11:50,222 --> 01:11:51,223 [Gilbert] Yes. 1310 01:11:51,307 --> 01:11:53,183 [Jenn] That's the way I used to feel with my mom. 1311 01:11:53,767 --> 01:11:56,770 I can't communicate with this person. 1312 01:11:56,854 --> 01:11:59,273 It makes me feel insane. 1313 01:11:59,356 --> 01:12:02,526 When you say to me, "Why do you need to know?" 1314 01:12:02,609 --> 01:12:05,029 And "What's the point of getting a diagnosis?" 1315 01:12:05,112 --> 01:12:08,407 And "What changes things?" And "Who cares?" 1316 01:12:08,490 --> 01:12:10,534 [Robbyn] I don't understand your world, 1317 01:12:10,617 --> 01:12:12,703 because you haven't shared it with me. 1318 01:12:12,786 --> 01:12:14,663 [Jenn] I haven't been able to let you in my world 1319 01:12:14,747 --> 01:12:16,832 because there's been a huge missing piece. 1320 01:12:16,915 --> 01:12:20,419 [automated voice] Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity. 1321 01:12:21,587 --> 01:12:23,756 [Alex] Why are you going through all this stuff? 1322 01:12:23,839 --> 01:12:26,175 Just trying to find money for my show. 1323 01:12:26,925 --> 01:12:28,260 [Alex] Trying to sell those dolls? 1324 01:12:28,344 --> 01:12:30,429 [Jenn] I'm seeing how much I could sell it for. 1325 01:12:32,014 --> 01:12:36,268 Each one of these really does represent so much hard work. 1326 01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:39,563 Thank God I found dance because I grew up in such a small town. 1327 01:12:39,646 --> 01:12:42,316 There wasn't a lot of opportunity, and, like, people don't leave. 1328 01:12:42,399 --> 01:12:44,318 [Ian] As your mother said, had you not had dance, 1329 01:12:44,401 --> 01:12:45,736 you would've gone bad. 1330 01:12:45,819 --> 01:12:47,571 -[Jenn laughs] Yeah. -[Ian] Gone real bad. 1331 01:12:48,697 --> 01:12:50,574 [Ian] With Idaho, I see it. 1332 01:12:51,075 --> 01:12:52,910 There's this whole populace of people 1333 01:12:52,993 --> 01:12:55,871 that never had access to mental health care. 1334 01:12:55,954 --> 01:12:57,414 Or it's not discussed. 1335 01:12:57,498 --> 01:12:59,249 [Jenn] Not a comfortable place to be… 1336 01:12:59,333 --> 01:13:00,501 [toddler Jenn] I'm coming! 1337 01:13:00,584 --> 01:13:02,878 …anything that is considered other. 1338 01:13:02,961 --> 01:13:05,923 [Ian] Jenn didn't fit into the equation of what that town is. 1339 01:13:06,548 --> 01:13:08,175 [Jenn] It's a really small town. 1340 01:13:08,258 --> 01:13:11,720 The population when I was growing up there was 700 or something like that. 1341 01:13:11,804 --> 01:13:14,181 -[Alex] What's the name of your town? -[Jenn] Star. 1342 01:13:14,264 --> 01:13:18,060 Oh, my God. This is the birth book that has two pages full or something. 1343 01:13:18,143 --> 01:13:19,144 "Notes on behavior." 1344 01:13:19,228 --> 01:13:22,648 "Eight months old. You wanted to play with big kids, not the babies your age." 1345 01:13:23,315 --> 01:13:26,360 "At this age, you are very independent and argumentative." 1346 01:13:26,443 --> 01:13:28,862 "Sometimes I wonder if I will even make it through the day." 1347 01:13:28,946 --> 01:13:31,698 [all laughing] 1348 01:13:31,782 --> 01:13:33,325 [Jenn] "You are very intelligent." 1349 01:13:33,409 --> 01:13:35,285 "You spell your name, count." 1350 01:13:35,369 --> 01:13:38,080 "You have a vocabulary that is amazing at times." 1351 01:13:38,163 --> 01:13:40,124 [Robbyn] "Screams a lot. Screams a lot." 1352 01:13:40,207 --> 01:13:41,458 Is that in there? 1353 01:13:41,542 --> 01:13:43,752 -[toddler Jenn] Let go! -[Bryon] You got it. Take it off. 1354 01:13:43,836 --> 01:13:46,463 -[toddler Jenn] Let go! You don't… -[Bryon] You got it. 1355 01:13:46,547 --> 01:13:47,881 [toddler Jenn cries] 1356 01:13:47,965 --> 01:13:49,174 "Most important though, 1357 01:13:49,258 --> 01:13:51,677 we love you more than we ever thought possible." 1358 01:13:51,760 --> 01:13:54,388 "You are a wonderful child, and I couldn't trade you for anything." 1359 01:13:54,471 --> 01:13:56,932 "You are such a grown-up little girl." 1360 01:13:58,100 --> 01:14:00,102 "February 21, 1991." 1361 01:14:00,185 --> 01:14:02,438 [poignant music playing] 1362 01:14:03,397 --> 01:14:05,399 [automated voice] Deficits in developing, maintaining 1363 01:14:05,482 --> 01:14:07,526 and understanding relationships. 1364 01:14:09,069 --> 01:14:11,488 [Jenn] Part of having autism, they say, is genetic. 1365 01:14:11,572 --> 01:14:12,573 [laughing] 1366 01:14:12,656 --> 01:14:14,366 This is dysfunctional. 1367 01:14:14,450 --> 01:14:18,495 Obviously your siblings and your family hold up a mirror to you. 1368 01:14:19,371 --> 01:14:21,874 -Fits right in then, right? -[woman] We're family. 1369 01:14:23,333 --> 01:14:28,255 [Jenn] All of these real-life revelations are happening simultaneously 1370 01:14:28,338 --> 01:14:31,800 with the creation of the show. 1371 01:14:32,384 --> 01:14:34,470 [Bryon] Hold your doll up so everybody can see it. 1372 01:14:34,553 --> 01:14:37,639 [Jenn] And so discoveries that are happening in my life 1373 01:14:37,723 --> 01:14:43,770 are ending up in front of me on stage in this really beautiful and organic way. 1374 01:14:43,854 --> 01:14:45,856 [ethereal music playing] 1375 01:14:45,939 --> 01:14:52,654 ♪ I will follow you… ♪ 1376 01:14:54,823 --> 01:14:57,784 [Florence] Bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1377 01:14:57,868 --> 01:15:02,080 Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1378 01:15:02,164 --> 01:15:04,291 Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1379 01:15:04,374 --> 01:15:05,667 [man] I think you have it. 1380 01:15:05,751 --> 01:15:09,880 [Florence] Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1381 01:15:10,923 --> 01:15:15,219 Where's the bear? Where's the bear? Where's the bear? 1382 01:15:15,969 --> 01:15:19,389 -She's cute. She didn't see me. -[man] She can crawl, remember? 1383 01:15:22,309 --> 01:15:24,603 In a perfect world, 1384 01:15:24,686 --> 01:15:27,648 I could pull, like, tons. 1385 01:15:27,731 --> 01:15:28,607 [Joseph] Yeah. 1386 01:15:29,441 --> 01:15:33,612 Like there's a mountain of them at my feet when I'm done. 1387 01:15:34,238 --> 01:15:35,197 Yeah. 1388 01:15:37,199 --> 01:15:39,368 [Alex] Can you say a couple words about this piece? 1389 01:15:39,451 --> 01:15:41,203 -What it means to you? -Yeah. 1390 01:15:41,286 --> 01:15:43,789 [ethereal music playing] 1391 01:15:44,498 --> 01:15:46,375 [Bryon] There's Robbyn's mom's house. 1392 01:15:46,458 --> 01:15:48,043 [toddler Jenn] Hi, Grandma! 1393 01:15:49,294 --> 01:15:51,338 [Jenn] At my grandma's house, 1394 01:15:52,464 --> 01:15:54,925 I just have all these memories of play 1395 01:15:55,008 --> 01:15:57,135 and feeling really free. 1396 01:15:57,219 --> 01:15:59,096 [baby Jenn babbles] 1397 01:15:59,179 --> 01:16:00,597 Peek-a-boo! 1398 01:16:00,681 --> 01:16:03,475 [Jenn] She had this innate way of knowing 1399 01:16:03,559 --> 01:16:08,522 how to, like, let me do things over and over and over and over again. 1400 01:16:08,605 --> 01:16:11,525 So I just always felt really free because she would never stop me. 1401 01:16:11,608 --> 01:16:14,152 I'd play the same song a hundred times, 1402 01:16:14,236 --> 01:16:16,405 and she'd never say, "Okay, it's time to turn it off." 1403 01:16:21,076 --> 01:16:24,413 The tissues are because when I was little I couldn't skip. 1404 01:16:24,496 --> 01:16:27,165 Kim told me that's a common trait of an autistic child 1405 01:16:27,249 --> 01:16:29,209 is they have a hard time skipping. 1406 01:16:29,293 --> 01:16:33,422 And so my grandma taught me how to skip by giving me a box of tissues. 1407 01:16:33,922 --> 01:16:36,091 She'd say, "When you step, you grab the tissue, 1408 01:16:36,174 --> 01:16:38,051 and then when you hop, you throw it." 1409 01:16:38,135 --> 01:16:39,553 So that's how I learned how to skip. 1410 01:16:39,636 --> 01:16:46,059 And I remember the whole living room would just be, like, covered in tissues. 1411 01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:48,270 And she didn't make me clean them up 1412 01:16:48,353 --> 01:16:51,106 or feel bad about making a mess or anything like that. 1413 01:16:51,189 --> 01:16:53,066 But that's how I learned how to skip. 1414 01:16:53,567 --> 01:16:56,194 So that's where the tissue idea comes from. 1415 01:16:56,695 --> 01:17:00,073 [Gilbert] She taught you how to move in a way that was rhythmic. 1416 01:17:00,157 --> 01:17:03,035 People with ASD often have a motor disfluency. 1417 01:17:03,118 --> 01:17:06,455 So they don't always have that rhythm to the way they move. 1418 01:17:06,538 --> 01:17:08,999 And that's why skipping was hard for you. 1419 01:17:09,082 --> 01:17:11,543 Your grandmother really walked you through that 1420 01:17:11,627 --> 01:17:13,879 in a very visual way with tissues 1421 01:17:13,962 --> 01:17:16,465 and was able to show you through stepping 1422 01:17:16,548 --> 01:17:20,302 as you pulled the tissues and hop as you tossed the tissue. 1423 01:17:20,385 --> 01:17:22,596 And once she did that, you had it. 1424 01:17:22,679 --> 01:17:26,141 And that's really how you reach people with ASD, 1425 01:17:26,224 --> 01:17:28,560 is you follow their currency. 1426 01:17:29,853 --> 01:17:31,855 What a gift she gave you. 1427 01:17:33,899 --> 01:17:35,901 [poignant music playing] 1428 01:17:39,988 --> 01:17:43,950 [Robbyn] So Jennifer learned to be independent at a very early age. 1429 01:17:44,034 --> 01:17:46,036 I didn't learn until my mom died. 1430 01:17:46,953 --> 01:17:48,497 [Jenn] You really relied on her. 1431 01:17:49,539 --> 01:17:50,582 [Robbyn] I did. 1432 01:17:52,250 --> 01:17:54,294 And I always wanted that for you. 1433 01:18:01,343 --> 01:18:03,387 I've never resented you. 1434 01:18:07,265 --> 01:18:09,559 I loved everything about you. 1435 01:18:11,478 --> 01:18:12,479 [music fades] 1436 01:18:14,648 --> 01:18:16,983 I just needed help sometimes. 1437 01:18:17,067 --> 01:18:18,193 [ethereal music resumes] 1438 01:18:18,276 --> 01:18:25,117 [Holland] ♪ Funny little bird I'll watch you grow ♪ 1439 01:18:25,200 --> 01:18:27,119 [Gilbert] What a gift she gave you. 1440 01:18:34,167 --> 01:18:35,127 Yeah. 1441 01:18:38,255 --> 01:18:39,589 [chuckles] 1442 01:18:51,017 --> 01:18:54,020 [FaceTime dialing] 1443 01:18:58,692 --> 01:19:00,402 -[Alex] Hello? -Hi. 1444 01:19:00,485 --> 01:19:01,778 -Hi. -Cut to it. 1445 01:19:01,862 --> 01:19:07,117 Uh, the Perelman is commissioning our show. 1446 01:19:07,200 --> 01:19:09,286 -What the fuck? -[Ian] What the fuck? 1447 01:19:09,369 --> 01:19:12,164 [Jenn] We're going to be part of the inaugural season. 1448 01:19:12,247 --> 01:19:14,791 [Jenn and Alex laughing] 1449 01:19:14,875 --> 01:19:20,464 Sonya got this email from Bill, the artistic director, today. 1450 01:19:20,547 --> 01:19:24,801 He said, "Forgive the delayed response. It's been a crazy stretch." 1451 01:19:24,885 --> 01:19:26,094 "We are definitely all in 1452 01:19:26,178 --> 01:19:28,847 on wanting to commission and help make this happen." 1453 01:19:28,930 --> 01:19:32,434 "Meanwhile, Sonya, thank you for bringing this beautiful project to us." 1454 01:19:32,517 --> 01:19:34,895 -This is not normal. -[Alex laughs] 1455 01:19:34,978 --> 01:19:36,980 -This is like-- -That's what we should call the doc. 1456 01:19:37,063 --> 01:19:39,691 -"This is not Normal." -[laughs] That's what you should call it. 1457 01:19:39,775 --> 01:19:42,152 -[Jenn laughs] -[lilting music playing] 1458 01:19:42,235 --> 01:19:43,904 This is beyond, 1459 01:19:43,987 --> 01:19:49,075 like, truly beyond anything that I could have dreamt, seriously. 1460 01:19:49,576 --> 01:19:51,077 -[Alex] It's amazing. -[Jenn] Yeah. 1461 01:19:51,161 --> 01:19:53,789 I didn't know that something like this was even possible. 1462 01:19:53,872 --> 01:19:55,499 This is crazy. 1463 01:19:56,166 --> 01:20:00,420 [Alex] Well, it only takes, you know, traumatic things in your life to happen. 1464 01:20:00,504 --> 01:20:03,215 -You can't just open those doors. -[laughing] 1465 01:20:07,886 --> 01:20:10,096 -[lilting music continues] -[Ian] Okay, jump. Whoo-hoo! 1466 01:20:10,180 --> 01:20:12,224 [Jenn] You're just imagining what it's gonna be like. 1467 01:20:12,307 --> 01:20:13,767 Taking it in. 1468 01:20:14,267 --> 01:20:15,435 So cool. 1469 01:20:17,437 --> 01:20:18,438 [music fades] 1470 01:20:20,690 --> 01:20:24,653 [Gilbert] I want you to know that you always have me if you need me, 1471 01:20:24,736 --> 01:20:27,989 but that you have the ability to say what you need in life. 1472 01:20:28,073 --> 01:20:29,449 And you needed me today, 1473 01:20:29,533 --> 01:20:33,662 and I'm so glad to give this space to you to be able to talk. 1474 01:20:33,745 --> 01:20:37,958 So I feel so good that you asked, and I'm glad you did. 1475 01:20:38,542 --> 01:20:41,962 Do you have questions for me? 1476 01:20:42,045 --> 01:20:44,381 [Alex] Yes, I do. 1477 01:20:44,965 --> 01:20:47,592 I'd be glad to talk it through with you if you need ever it. 1478 01:20:47,676 --> 01:20:50,762 [Alex] I would. I think that would be, I think, beneficial. 1479 01:20:50,846 --> 01:20:54,057 -I would appreciate that. Thank you. -Okay. Yeah. Sure. 1480 01:20:54,850 --> 01:20:57,727 [Jenn] It's encouraging because I know why I'm doing it. 1481 01:20:57,811 --> 01:20:59,646 -And I think you do too. -[Alex] Yes. 1482 01:20:59,729 --> 01:21:01,398 -[Jenn] The why is there. -[Alex] Yeah. 1483 01:21:01,481 --> 01:21:07,487 [Jenn] Parents that know that their child is autistic or might be on the spectrum, 1484 01:21:07,571 --> 01:21:10,407 but they don't choose to identify it… 1485 01:21:10,490 --> 01:21:13,285 -"Let's just wait and see if they pass." -[Alex] Mm-hm. 1486 01:21:14,119 --> 01:21:19,249 And that's really sad because that child knows 1487 01:21:19,332 --> 01:21:22,586 that they are not the same as the other children. 1488 01:21:23,169 --> 01:21:26,631 And so you're basically, by ignoring it, teaching them to ignore themselves. 1489 01:21:26,715 --> 01:21:29,426 -[Alex] Mm-hm. -[Jenn] I'm not saying it's malicious. 1490 01:21:29,509 --> 01:21:32,053 -It's done with love. -[Alex] They think it's the best interest. 1491 01:21:32,137 --> 01:21:37,601 But as someone who got diagnosed fairly late in life, 1492 01:21:37,684 --> 01:21:40,854 I wish that I had known sooner. 1493 01:21:41,438 --> 01:21:44,733 Like I… definitely wish I knew sooner. 1494 01:21:44,816 --> 01:21:47,068 -[Alex] Me too. -Mm-hm. Yeah. 1495 01:21:47,152 --> 01:21:49,487 [Ian] Why don't you take the camera from Alex? 1496 01:21:50,113 --> 01:21:51,823 -Okay. -[Ian] Point it at him for a minute. 1497 01:21:51,907 --> 01:21:53,074 -[Alex] Okay. -[Ian] That okay? 1498 01:21:53,158 --> 01:21:54,367 -[Alex] Yeah. -[Jenn] Is it on? 1499 01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:57,412 -It's on. It says "recording," right? -[Jenn] Yeah. 1500 01:21:57,495 --> 01:22:00,165 [children chattering] 1501 01:22:09,549 --> 01:22:10,634 [woman] Alex! 1502 01:22:13,053 --> 01:22:15,263 -[Jenn] There's a lot happening. [laughs] -Yeah. 1503 01:22:15,347 --> 01:22:17,098 -[Jenn] Still happening currently. -Yeah. 1504 01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:21,144 [Jenn] So, I'm just wondering where you are on the rollercoaster. 1505 01:22:21,645 --> 01:22:22,520 [Alex] Say something. 1506 01:22:22,604 --> 01:22:24,773 -I don't have anything to say to you. -[Alex laughs] 1507 01:22:24,856 --> 01:22:27,984 -[poignant music playing] -[Jenn laughs] 1508 01:22:28,068 --> 01:22:29,945 I know. Wait, are you stressed? 1509 01:22:30,028 --> 01:22:32,197 No. I feel like there's a better way. 1510 01:22:32,280 --> 01:22:34,532 [Alex] Well, I feel lucky that I found you. 1511 01:22:34,616 --> 01:22:35,992 [Jenn] Don't throw me yet. 1512 01:22:37,827 --> 01:22:40,747 -[Alex] When we did and how we did. -Wow, pretty. 1513 01:22:40,830 --> 01:22:42,374 [Alex] Or rather we found each other. 1514 01:22:42,457 --> 01:22:46,753 For a reason that is turning into something that is bigger than both of us. 1515 01:22:46,836 --> 01:22:48,630 [Jenn] I totally understand that. 1516 01:22:49,130 --> 01:22:51,216 [Alex] You've become one of my closest friends. 1517 01:22:51,800 --> 01:22:54,761 [Jenn] Spot Alex. [laughs] 1518 01:22:54,844 --> 01:22:58,223 [Alex] But I realize that we're much more alike than I thought. 1519 01:22:59,099 --> 01:23:00,725 You know I don't like this. 1520 01:23:01,685 --> 01:23:04,479 Because you're able to mask it so well for everybody else. 1521 01:23:04,562 --> 01:23:06,815 [Ian] You're never too old to feel special. 1522 01:23:06,898 --> 01:23:08,775 [Alex] But I feel like I got to see you, 1523 01:23:09,859 --> 01:23:11,695 like, really see you. 1524 01:23:11,778 --> 01:23:13,571 [poignant music continues] 1525 01:23:13,655 --> 01:23:18,243 I realized that you are… a mirror. 1526 01:23:21,663 --> 01:23:23,915 [Jenn] Does anyone else know you're autisticg 1527 01:23:23,999 --> 01:23:26,084 other than me and Dr. Gilbert? 1528 01:23:26,167 --> 01:23:27,002 No. 1529 01:23:28,044 --> 01:23:33,800 You've been hiding parts of yourself that you don't prefer. 1530 01:23:33,883 --> 01:23:34,718 Yeah. 1531 01:23:34,801 --> 01:23:37,470 And now you're being asked to expose the parts of yourself 1532 01:23:37,554 --> 01:23:40,765 you've been working your entire life to hide. 1533 01:23:40,849 --> 01:23:44,185 It was a point where I-- It just basically broke. 1534 01:23:44,269 --> 01:23:47,856 Yeah, and a few years ago, I just shut down. 1535 01:23:48,356 --> 01:23:51,276 I didn't know what to do. That's when I was getting really bad. 1536 01:23:51,359 --> 01:23:55,071 It was affecting work and family and friends. 1537 01:23:55,155 --> 01:23:57,157 I just-- I couldn't do anything. 1538 01:23:57,240 --> 01:24:00,243 And where do you feel sadness in your body? 1539 01:24:00,326 --> 01:24:01,327 Oh, everywhere. 1540 01:24:01,411 --> 01:24:02,996 [Jenn] You lose your words a little. 1541 01:24:03,079 --> 01:24:04,289 -Yeah. I understand. -Yeah. 1542 01:24:04,372 --> 01:24:07,625 I cannot even look people in the eye at that point and communicate. 1543 01:24:07,709 --> 01:24:09,252 [Jenn] Why do you think we're like that? 1544 01:24:09,335 --> 01:24:12,130 There's some questions that have to do with feelings and emotions. 1545 01:24:12,213 --> 01:24:14,883 -Mm-hm. -And the first one is just happiness. 1546 01:24:14,966 --> 01:24:16,593 Like, what makes you happy? 1547 01:24:17,093 --> 01:24:18,845 -My family. -[Gilbert] Yes. 1548 01:24:18,928 --> 01:24:20,889 [Alex] I'm very fortunate when it comes to that. 1549 01:24:20,972 --> 01:24:22,307 Hey, Mom. 1550 01:24:22,390 --> 01:24:23,725 -Hi, sweetie. -[Alex] How are you? 1551 01:24:23,808 --> 01:24:25,226 -Are you taking a video? -[Alex] Yes. 1552 01:24:25,310 --> 01:24:27,187 -Oh, dear. -[Alex] Say something sweet. 1553 01:24:27,270 --> 01:24:28,438 -I love you. -[Alex] Thank you. 1554 01:24:28,521 --> 01:24:30,648 -And I'm thrilled for you. -[Alex] Thank you, Mom. 1555 01:24:30,732 --> 01:24:32,942 -[poignant music playing] -Ha! 1556 01:24:33,026 --> 01:24:34,152 -Oh! -[Alex chuckles] 1557 01:24:34,235 --> 01:24:36,571 [Rory] Oh yeah, look at the Hammer boys. 1558 01:24:36,654 --> 01:24:39,657 I get a lot of inspiration from my brother 'cause I look up to him. 1559 01:24:40,408 --> 01:24:42,619 Because so much of me comes from him. 1560 01:24:42,702 --> 01:24:45,163 -[Gilbert] You're very close with him. -[Alex] Very much so. 1561 01:24:45,246 --> 01:24:46,915 [young Alex] He's crazy. [laughs] 1562 01:24:46,998 --> 01:24:48,625 [Alex] And then there's Miguel. 1563 01:24:49,834 --> 01:24:52,045 God, I love that man. I think about it often. 1564 01:24:52,128 --> 01:24:55,340 I think if I didn't have Miguel, like if we never met, 1565 01:24:55,423 --> 01:24:57,092 I don't know where I would be. 1566 01:25:00,637 --> 01:25:05,600 So, I do see that diagnosis for you, and you meet the criteria for it. 1567 01:25:05,683 --> 01:25:07,685 What do you think about that? 1568 01:25:07,769 --> 01:25:11,648 It's honestly not what I expected to hear. 1569 01:25:11,731 --> 01:25:14,025 What are you feeling right now? 1570 01:25:15,235 --> 01:25:16,861 I just didn't expect it. 1571 01:25:16,945 --> 01:25:20,240 I think that's a common thing people say, "You don't look autistic." 1572 01:25:20,323 --> 01:25:23,576 "You don't appear that way." Or "Why is it important?" 1573 01:25:23,660 --> 01:25:26,830 Because I know there are people that are further along on the spectrum, 1574 01:25:26,913 --> 01:25:29,541 this goes on in my mind, that need it more than I do. 1575 01:25:29,624 --> 01:25:31,334 Me getting a diagnosis, specifically, 1576 01:25:31,417 --> 01:25:33,670 makes me feel like I'm taking it away from somebody else. 1577 01:25:33,753 --> 01:25:35,046 -I don't know why. -[Jenn] Yeah. 1578 01:25:35,130 --> 01:25:36,047 [Alex] You're an adult, 1579 01:25:36,131 --> 01:25:39,134 you've already made it past the finish line of where it's the hardest. 1580 01:25:39,217 --> 01:25:40,552 -[Jenn] Common mentality. -Exactly. 1581 01:25:40,635 --> 01:25:43,972 [Jenn] After all this time of proving that you're capable, 1582 01:25:44,055 --> 01:25:47,684 why would you want a label, like a terrible label, like autism? 1583 01:25:47,767 --> 01:25:51,312 Why wouldn't you choose to continue passing as a neurotypical person? 1584 01:25:51,396 --> 01:25:54,190 Why in the world would you out yourself like that? 1585 01:25:54,274 --> 01:25:57,735 -That's what they're really saying. -[Alex] Yeah, I'm tired of pretending. 1586 01:25:58,236 --> 01:26:00,822 -That's what needs to change. -[Alex] Yeah. 1587 01:26:02,490 --> 01:26:06,119 -[crowd chanting] Béyonce! -[Béyonce] You ready? 1588 01:26:06,202 --> 01:26:08,705 -[hip-hop music playing] -[crowd cheering] 1589 01:26:08,788 --> 01:26:09,706 [voices] Nine. 1590 01:26:10,832 --> 01:26:11,833 Bang, bang. 1591 01:26:11,916 --> 01:26:14,586 Eight. Seven. 1592 01:26:14,669 --> 01:26:15,545 [crowd cheering] 1593 01:26:15,628 --> 01:26:19,465 Six, five, four, 1594 01:26:20,592 --> 01:26:23,178 three, two, one. 1595 01:26:25,638 --> 01:26:28,141 [Alex] I was iffy on that one. I didn't know if it was too weird. 1596 01:26:28,224 --> 01:26:30,518 [Béyonce] No, that's what I think it needs to be more of. 1597 01:26:30,602 --> 01:26:33,438 -It's so cool. -[crowd screaming] 1598 01:26:33,521 --> 01:26:35,148 [Alex] Well, you know I'm a film editor. 1599 01:26:35,231 --> 01:26:36,608 [Jenn] What's that like? 1600 01:26:36,691 --> 01:26:41,196 [Alex] It's like trying to solve a puzzle with infinite possible combinations 1601 01:26:41,279 --> 01:26:45,033 while simultaneously designing the puzzle at the same time. 1602 01:26:45,116 --> 01:26:46,659 [dramatic music playing] 1603 01:26:46,743 --> 01:26:51,873 I love this because I've since learned that my particular brain is just wired 1604 01:26:51,956 --> 01:26:54,918 to process, see, and create things differently. 1605 01:26:55,001 --> 01:26:55,919 [Jenn] Yes. 1606 01:26:56,002 --> 01:26:58,504 [Alex] Any success came from being completely obsessed with it, 1607 01:26:58,588 --> 01:27:01,257 but also blindly ignorant to my limits. 1608 01:27:01,341 --> 01:27:02,842 -[Jenn] Totally. -[Madonna] Hey! 1609 01:27:02,926 --> 01:27:04,427 [crowd cheering] 1610 01:27:04,510 --> 01:27:07,263 [Madonna] Light it up, baby! Go, Hammer! 1611 01:27:07,347 --> 01:27:09,057 [crowd cheering] 1612 01:27:10,141 --> 01:27:13,436 [Alex] Like you, once I had to start surviving on it as a career, 1613 01:27:13,519 --> 01:27:16,439 I felt as an artist that I lost my purpose. 1614 01:27:16,522 --> 01:27:18,358 [dramatic music playing] 1615 01:27:19,150 --> 01:27:22,153 I failed at understanding the complexities, politics, 1616 01:27:22,237 --> 01:27:24,989 and my loss of trust in so many people. 1617 01:27:26,199 --> 01:27:30,370 It's something-- It's a outcome that I'm not happy I have. 1618 01:27:30,453 --> 01:27:32,997 -I don't know what I'm saying. -No, you're explaining. 1619 01:27:33,081 --> 01:27:38,586 I have an unrelenting trust in people, to a fault. 1620 01:27:38,670 --> 01:27:42,423 I see what they do on the surface as what they mean. 1621 01:27:42,507 --> 01:27:46,052 And that puts you in that space of being taken advantage of. 1622 01:27:46,135 --> 01:27:47,929 That's where I always struggle. 1623 01:27:48,012 --> 01:27:51,307 You know, just like you, I could push through anything, 1624 01:27:51,391 --> 01:27:56,104 but just like you, I would burn hot and then burn out. 1625 01:27:56,187 --> 01:27:59,357 I didn't know what autistic burnout was, so I had no tools to fight it. 1626 01:27:59,440 --> 01:28:00,400 [Jenn] Yeah. 1627 01:28:00,483 --> 01:28:03,528 [Alex] And neither did my best friend, Ray. 1628 01:28:04,279 --> 01:28:05,154 All right! 1629 01:28:05,238 --> 01:28:08,741 I hate being in front of the camera, but I'll do this for you guys. Love you. 1630 01:28:08,825 --> 01:28:10,660 We were so alike. 1631 01:28:10,743 --> 01:28:12,996 -We're so, so, so alike. -[Gilbert] Yeah. 1632 01:28:13,079 --> 01:28:14,539 [Alex] I knew his personality. 1633 01:28:14,622 --> 01:28:18,167 I knew his fears and anger, and also what he presented to the world, 1634 01:28:18,251 --> 01:28:19,836 which was very different. 1635 01:28:19,919 --> 01:28:21,462 [poignant music playing] 1636 01:28:21,546 --> 01:28:22,588 Except for Ray, 1637 01:28:22,672 --> 01:28:26,134 I never really talked to anybody about anything before. 1638 01:28:26,217 --> 01:28:27,552 [laughing] 1639 01:28:27,635 --> 01:28:29,804 [Alex] He was very outgoing. 1640 01:28:30,513 --> 01:28:32,307 -But it was to compensate. -Okay. 1641 01:28:32,390 --> 01:28:34,142 [Alex] Like with Jenn, 1642 01:28:34,225 --> 01:28:39,605 I saw a side of Ray that few others really got to see. 1643 01:28:39,689 --> 01:28:40,982 And I saw myself. 1644 01:28:41,482 --> 01:28:42,900 He was a light. 1645 01:28:43,568 --> 01:28:44,777 He was a light in my life. 1646 01:28:46,112 --> 01:28:48,448 Several years ago, um… 1647 01:28:49,407 --> 01:28:55,747 he took his own life by jumping out of a building window. 1648 01:28:57,415 --> 01:29:00,168 And I can't help but think 1649 01:29:00,251 --> 01:29:05,298 that if we both knew then what I know now, 1650 01:29:05,381 --> 01:29:09,844 maybe he could have shifted to a better path with the right tools. 1651 01:29:09,927 --> 01:29:11,929 [poignant music continues] 1652 01:29:15,224 --> 01:29:17,935 Let's talk about happy things. What'd you think of the film? 1653 01:29:18,019 --> 01:29:20,355 Because I'm thinking about changing the whole thing. [laughs] 1654 01:29:21,022 --> 01:29:25,693 What are you thinking? Like, I've just been feeling you so much. 1655 01:29:25,777 --> 01:29:29,697 The experiences you're having in real life are gonna change your perspective. 1656 01:29:29,781 --> 01:29:32,116 As much as you're telling my story, 1657 01:29:32,200 --> 01:29:35,119 like, your experience and your point of view 1658 01:29:35,203 --> 01:29:37,455 is such a big part of what you're making. 1659 01:29:37,538 --> 01:29:39,290 You need to be in there too. 1660 01:29:39,374 --> 01:29:41,918 You're not the one that usually is doing the sharing. 1661 01:29:42,001 --> 01:29:45,213 You're showing, you know, what someone else has decided to share. 1662 01:29:45,296 --> 01:29:48,132 So, it's a different light for you. 1663 01:29:48,216 --> 01:29:49,884 -[Alex] It's just scary. -Yeah. 1664 01:29:49,967 --> 01:29:52,011 [Alex] Because originally I wasn't part of it at all, 1665 01:29:52,095 --> 01:29:54,889 but that's the only story we have. 1666 01:29:54,972 --> 01:29:58,309 I'd never talk about anything with anybody ever, honestly. 1667 01:29:58,393 --> 01:30:01,771 That's just something I'd never had before, even with Miguel. 1668 01:30:01,854 --> 01:30:04,357 Because I've always kind of put that… 1669 01:30:05,108 --> 01:30:06,818 [Gilbert] What are you fearful of? 1670 01:30:06,901 --> 01:30:09,404 It's the shame of it, you know? I don't know why. 1671 01:30:09,487 --> 01:30:13,324 It's really hard to get past that part 1672 01:30:14,283 --> 01:30:17,286 because I never fully fit in anywhere. 1673 01:30:17,370 --> 01:30:20,415 So I sought approval wherever I could, 1674 01:30:20,498 --> 01:30:27,505 which made me easy to manipulate into things like, um… 1675 01:30:29,298 --> 01:30:31,759 sexual-- child sex abuse. Um… 1676 01:30:31,843 --> 01:30:33,386 [Gilbert] Oh, wow. 1677 01:30:33,469 --> 01:30:35,680 [Alex] I've never really said that out loud before. 1678 01:30:35,763 --> 01:30:38,015 [Gilbert] How old were you when this started? 1679 01:30:38,099 --> 01:30:41,060 [Alex] Maybe, um, five or six, I think. 1680 01:30:41,144 --> 01:30:42,979 Wow. You were so young. 1681 01:30:43,563 --> 01:30:44,981 -[Alex] Yeah. -[Rory] Alex. 1682 01:30:45,690 --> 01:30:49,152 [Gilbert] The tough part, too, about abuse is it's so secretive. 1683 01:30:49,235 --> 01:30:51,028 [poignant music playing] 1684 01:30:51,112 --> 01:30:53,865 Unfortunately, that person taught you 1685 01:30:53,948 --> 01:30:56,242 to cover up and to be quiet, 1686 01:30:56,325 --> 01:30:57,743 to not be you. 1687 01:30:59,704 --> 01:31:03,499 It's more highly correlated than the neurotypical population. 1688 01:31:03,583 --> 01:31:07,628 I was scared of being perceived as gay. 1689 01:31:07,712 --> 01:31:09,046 -[Gilbert] Okay. -Um… 1690 01:31:09,130 --> 01:31:12,467 That was my biggest fear, and I think that's why I kept quiet. 1691 01:31:13,551 --> 01:31:15,428 I just didn't understand it. 1692 01:31:15,970 --> 01:31:18,764 But the world was telling me that gay was bad. 1693 01:31:18,848 --> 01:31:21,267 But you feared, when you were little, what would happen? 1694 01:31:21,350 --> 01:31:25,646 That I would be unlovable, and let go. 1695 01:31:25,730 --> 01:31:26,939 Mm. 1696 01:31:27,982 --> 01:31:32,361 [Alex] I now know that that was never even a possibility. 1697 01:31:32,445 --> 01:31:37,700 That takes so much energy, Alex, to hold that for that long. 1698 01:31:37,783 --> 01:31:39,994 [Alex] Learning how to talk about things with you 1699 01:31:40,578 --> 01:31:44,373 has made it a lot easier to connect with Miguel. 1700 01:31:44,457 --> 01:31:49,587 I never thought I'd be able to talk to him like this without any fear. 1701 01:31:49,670 --> 01:31:53,549 I've-- I had missed that since Ray. 1702 01:31:53,633 --> 01:31:57,595 But now Jenn has also come into that role for me. 1703 01:31:58,930 --> 01:32:02,767 Because we can process things together instead of alone. 1704 01:32:02,850 --> 01:32:05,228 [Jenn] I just hide away when it gets bad. 1705 01:32:06,103 --> 01:32:08,564 [Alex] You and me are so similar in so many ways. 1706 01:32:08,648 --> 01:32:10,608 -[laughs] It's ridiculous. -I know. 1707 01:32:10,691 --> 01:32:13,110 -She wants to be completely sober. -[Alex] She does, yeah. 1708 01:32:13,194 --> 01:32:14,987 -Wanting it for so long. -[Alex] Yeah. 1709 01:32:15,071 --> 01:32:16,447 Like nothing, nothing… 1710 01:32:16,531 --> 01:32:21,869 I'm trying to just show up and be brave with everything and share everything. 1711 01:32:22,370 --> 01:32:24,205 That's really important to me. 1712 01:32:24,288 --> 01:32:27,291 But this is like something that I have so much shame about. 1713 01:32:27,375 --> 01:32:32,046 -And so then I just feel like… it's all… -[Alex] Yeah. 1714 01:32:32,129 --> 01:32:36,676 I'm like a… I'm just like a lie. 1715 01:32:36,759 --> 01:32:40,304 Depression and anxiety also can be comorbid with ASD. 1716 01:32:40,388 --> 01:32:43,766 Often people also will go to alcohol to soothe 1717 01:32:43,849 --> 01:32:48,062 because it can open up doors to make it a lot easier in those situations. 1718 01:32:48,145 --> 01:32:52,817 She was crying, she said, "I'm worried that if I stay with you, 1719 01:32:52,900 --> 01:32:56,362 I can't become sober, and I don't ever want to be without you." 1720 01:32:56,445 --> 01:32:59,115 And I think that was the part where I was like…. 1721 01:32:59,198 --> 01:33:00,491 [Alex] "Goddamn." 1722 01:33:00,575 --> 01:33:02,034 "Goddamn it." 1723 01:33:02,118 --> 01:33:04,495 [Alex] Just know that I love you guys unconditionally. 1724 01:33:04,579 --> 01:33:08,874 And, like, I might be one of the better ones to kind of understand. 1725 01:33:08,958 --> 01:33:10,835 I'm like a couple of steps ahead of you. 1726 01:33:10,918 --> 01:33:12,461 -That's it. Not that far. -Yeah. 1727 01:33:12,545 --> 01:33:15,339 -[Alex] Just like you were with autism. -Yeah. 1728 01:33:15,423 --> 01:33:17,967 -[Alex] Just know I'm here to support. -Thank you. 1729 01:33:18,050 --> 01:33:21,304 The more that you talk, the more that you let people see you 1730 01:33:21,387 --> 01:33:25,474 and love you will give you more of that core belief that you matter. 1731 01:33:25,558 --> 01:33:27,768 Your weight in the world is important. 1732 01:33:27,852 --> 01:33:28,728 Yeah. 1733 01:33:29,228 --> 01:33:31,897 [laughing and chattering] 1734 01:33:31,981 --> 01:33:32,982 [all] ♪ Happy birthday… ♪ 1735 01:33:33,065 --> 01:33:35,985 [Alex] These are the reasons why I've been working so hard 1736 01:33:36,068 --> 01:33:37,737 to understand my brain 1737 01:33:37,820 --> 01:33:40,156 long before getting this diagnosis. 1738 01:33:41,157 --> 01:33:43,659 Because I'm terrified. 1739 01:33:45,703 --> 01:33:49,457 I don't want to get to the point where I feel like there's no other option, 1740 01:33:49,540 --> 01:33:51,459 but to turn everything off. 1741 01:33:51,542 --> 01:33:53,544 [music fades] 1742 01:33:56,881 --> 01:33:57,715 [Jenn] Ian. 1743 01:33:58,591 --> 01:33:59,884 -Ian. -[Ian] What? 1744 01:33:59,967 --> 01:34:01,׫c6b P9L֛nXŀ>wzU+(]vc 쿒j`$ZtiyQ^KO[^s͈z*o1C~z[Bcdtx.ߩ Gs$E3$Ўsa\8|}lƒy*z1zoڰ؟#(nAypB3saXSٴOE9MMls:#-v>g)"<[l_ɑΝ2HӊfH/6};o\9uWXa%xJJ>.yӦSz/%P΀BJ],ӳNts i06 hOߵ".E~THixl>y~dGS@17;ʯud׷[Fvf;(T'R<'<@بJ|O`2`=X$"xvl^n aAb= h,I\| :1T&?ԥ'm ߀v\ LUiq\,#L'_&rG2X qZIӣXSϬ j-AЛvЦa<;g0Y.1HT:XNV&@"{ʌŠzoT!K}sأY,2ˤ̅ C 4>J^iIڬJWB/XK#`,DC N/mi?j_MR2SeHo#:$ @_OR_w@XgW9<y1Qw2[X||L x&84Y,ID扪?{vL¥UX&|IA%-'N(I&m3ؽs3swιyw Mt<h{.}UJ= C%IFW'J<1=" FIVR0kCN2O܈{o%_|KEeܶZⴙy|whh‹ϪD.rքNT+oRI_b`䠁C]89„~Ni)֋x "Xśޮa*55u zvd'څ4fG0k ϶mE \Roɛ/MSqXEPPμ,i8OPcp7T_ jc{ֹ|l=fKJ1#Do/*7w;RF'2'J]ԢM< 海TC+_zCu6, d/*kźpc m{WGA]^jQ|UC{gUFZ&[VQa֘~ൄZb)>o PM uJO{T!:#)8>k,Z‘c綈b)z_w.GNQP9OŒ:FxfjT"iK`פ 珤 x6jgC >T)zOu<֢e{:=縺iz"@T [ eP[u8H}ߥEtp0꓊gW?{@ComI-={KK|AV,91v^Ѥd 7øAX^P`C1{Mcs2bډ 8`CŜ$LNcxT䄱)5ס`[gELN(PtбbbAhs]cIk-vw<n] Iͬ~7tG>?D@͚)ɆqZA/"ZZ¸;B籥B$)`ֶF.9[ l2ugێ߆^02PvZcF?ՏF_fkC ]mGų5e\!R!H:VLDN7(VXEo.@suK- -,.dݑ ^4}>IȨ w^L `kBX\_Q 2*K\aGvTJ0xk\Vڠ2t}Apb0XPUe4ص ?Uڋ:E0 }=lno_m|#֭0~xd1Q;=ɩȲ=e +d?< 3Aɟ U(JxⴤN< 2rg #اE@ѪY`Tv㟤;\ZJ2g((\FV`JF` zg>ǀ2YΧ8\+6Nh.l4ɠ+U(7o" {OP덬 D6WM qk z& X䊎gr ļ?#Q([+"i/7}xR (]`zud!I74zrPC8/TmLxM ^ղ .]M$>;EYq6HO}v[?+C 15C!,4j8#<* cAƕ8{XdblpsusDuOx՚nLq ~qdTz`฼F}? KYmagfdžX+ 5Uzl={ԭ Mbī1>|V&ФbD %ưY݁@ˊ8SO3f]=exp9o9 &6>W)Qwa^90h=fs Yv `fI댉%"#Y˂3,tR#ϤSKTHx:n ՌU|5~h樑7ޅivL!llxƧOm̓)K˂@zTxbqڣ*I2/5 inF%@||U Q62pXk-{k)]F.։Ot4C&ܛ[}9T+;ʮ]~+˶fe_:4+2Wn6LK#"'^n_,0զW$x?0uvh<N>[ޕ3B{GzŕsTzf'Q% Mm.)2U;"h Xu XP~#2 TOo{5={!s#IIѹnKD%-+ jes9t$QXb=^j_8PMfGO,(:j ?0LXUϔFՊDŽbVtIC%rNi:7QeAVal_3}.9@G,TDvECRy+tũP s'6j{ $RN,Z'ɔWC/*v\Ḣ?sԣGg]%ڛ؁4$Vb)M!,'][l̨My};C9PLRmr`ߌMDuuPlSr#qn:IO1~A,"`=1~MΨUŪF !y ʏ,~#{ߪK+ w04B?.9v!ߠD}Q5hx=rXm9J#<{^>-^O ^sL`|Pq}""GT͜Daj<րs ћC!1Kg R[}ϽX?&߉WܘX upт2#mN -r5pG -pfc6жkɞ2h3Dbg'Lo{-|̼/"JZX(hآWjRɅČJ8I~-tffG7VI/^4yL7D1c}ݨ2 4П͌9UTa~%s 呁M8=a/;eQ6' {臭 f p_?fg¹S ~0%j_%I爕D4Gv{NM@HPov$#^FߋDTRLg2V^'XKEN:+Wcc=Ѣ)mLӵ|<4O;֑(".CgؘHl n${]Й+k;*Ah/h#jvݚܳ8."+ZBI^bLnJ\hp3m֏5~!Ii<^i z,m橄K^4 uk`cMd 1έ_Gd 3QŨ4671b`ꑃWy@?8 Jb~וN eq:w[M637l0;s#y4,GԷP{ wԕ&P.nf&sdeaBnΑ\; lt P W1;yCy{;xjrwj bmCFV`P ڹ)I\4ZwL ~4V%wx\SgGE@k[+jnnH ɇ_8Qe)B8HDe#R J׊xscw,2߆P_h9X %)늂U-ce,× {>xN,Vs|DJT%/m!5M9w׾q ._%ZBem#MB@X W'p@I `7[F\ELU r*Wb vbgBR~^few,I8¥ 01.£eV A\h0fS a&@6ق1t1NkOPo}(ŵ {w wuC7$AGDC &1Uor1~L\^b|sSeI*boT(:W_C#~BjH?=S `.܈zv{ tZ+uQֳdߏo CÂQ)raAVbqY}!}70 ZMp\d=J9P3S\B:Tf/ 3ŏ\u 'nlJ3J!o^7("DPukIin8[99b<.ͭۆ5{nm03KC b4 ,C|j$*8T1!=NnDzd 3N6H!@#}A%R&ăY\ڧ;f47 {stPм^gi6:9.iNG~^"b=QZr,dy@ʼVXu!ܝ)tOz63$S+[io3oN_`' *0{Haբ ,ͱ5umQ7:#Vx}S4!tqRJ`7*'AߐwX'>%XFG$n^:3D&ȨM \`9 ݌ۼMKF #i-tJ7(@Nޗ6xj 9#~tJRL3m/3Dz>3ԍZY/[[5js4zW!U]?JiEaZ-aߠM;1~Rp|;s1KQZCUzIOwvB 9RnNo#-[_ρ:0"a0ոCE^!zDAb*&pXݲ.gT&J 靻փas|c&G>]+7ĮlM([q^-ꑣw;~B!̼[)=9D[9w>`v= |B&iygwbeT51d=`)ozǸ[ 0X☗23]pG=mhh#']OͱDz{|ElY O1IT$-&ɼ jA|$)UT QЊُ42 '`rGN[ْI,~W"B`{kSE29uod$PFm)C;s[RQB<:!H_ij7` 3%zHdxώ ڟBnX35mʽ]p$i*k`=a"GJOu&؟ W43p%T%^ EhWD $͓B=,,1=+^S< +-};0T`( ).ۦasF{Oi8)+{uq:=@G"vVV&gWV,ƕ PU#j &̯"t ͫR=sAylGkR0UWHZq [{AӸ8;SӠE8#pG p`:A؁ !/ע( vh46 C%=W7㕢nCn![77}lDToACexhZ~vpDt@y(_m_lB8Nb ߍ:!S ;%y "wYO[Pkz7׉OD "6eQ'ɟ$bY [ sx>0/@h ±dbŭح3C.ť=@5\ϭF]V҅uU\MtX1w}uv9. wtMmVUF-yNǜ-uˊp 'FY<*j,&;b;us:=utf$\ޕiY=6HM*OؚtI Q=z(I\q:Ŗ:ϖEEe9TʢC̮p긹FߌMnÏ9&g8)?{3iAC`}r2 M,/mzF SKِtU[.O.9TCMrWps@8δeq]zm"OxO H g:2h.  .Q8FoZaN3 05Mb9v3kwD5gKZ m@9 XH+t*ZScMo/RN#?*Q[> `_RLF]4A``iZ~FZ.رWT5e»|nБK>u/HtڷB(o[ >i_ $pXq(:)y,EyGx~{_1i}`j+/ڔ (em(xd >`Z}ɁVY09E:36~"H/bM˵@ZOpfK @Ds{/O!2R 8 p)Jatu.=Xt y?F+-^FpR)WW;#v XER YkZ>SCI_fe<}kŰ{dO8+w.~Aj/_ю'uCع#8Ыu8'>&4*e3FHI xȹLT+l0u44 ]PzJ?v+`p{,W/1b5􅙏v ժrQ@Lc CS{j0Bi 3tR6q{WF&Y-o:_u{狭rb1>GNj#VP3 3?v$h=Ktcc. fJmUMv0`I)IA];d&7(hv6v i0d?Izn$rE۾OӑXgk\T04Tf7J\=0eJהߩnT,꾣>f[ Pp?bi:~^;~[kT۬ﯶϜ;/9ʱ<148 Br!YblwV f&'82+7x\/ h tI_vl>W/#/McDЖehnLlBP:sY#* ҭ]Zw47}YTQH?с:Jxg,rtso#RvC䓃 "+jxIQ` [xM2h *M=ٲ0\\AƯ1Vz M): × #n"\~3GR`AACHyTH!s:z.1~>~@ǚ"gk7 Ts]oo; U%  WJ|~ξCAC]Sk#$cWxv_Y>ą}Ex%"l/COɁ֗?)cxo '~ 5amMn(*)Di_תF4ٖ٪goˇ>eI@6 a~=Tގ!G?x.::(4>:B-&ǭݝt vK=J[݀óRq&AKݫCE\ϼF~^:bhlC Ia$Q+S~~B~-C6Yux zUأFzLz+^Wݹ23Q^pO%sz"< ` <|?ZUM ҄pƃJ9;H E$pNإ񌞜d*hV|ٜ3Ε#6Y2pO\AW74ΧdFn oWi{ {W9Inizʽyk2? crvvSҚ&I_StaŃ lm Z<@Rڢƺƪ";NI³rMKntfe_Ҋζcv@ZUGӥaҕ#>7_?Q[EOvI\q3W%C#9m\8Y}z\գt[# Esɸ4Χ:4E*b'|:Qm[iPcQL;pJA=o1V,h\&"]t&\tlr q)V(љHrPa83tt\U'vrKe"\h,C[PoФ|0ԅҭ㍼XCO&\qd!;\!sPk1}Zgn(-i@z]cƛGͼ±}gPh(nzq\ܙK0/w(0`hr&fAijPԪu61FuSIXݥZOs᝙I`@į[O!EiOy(d̮SH 5ir2zE<1y5Kt {jHHZٮ- 9\||DWW\{X2<{h]QI4呣b6>p:'$+|])GX񚢩/fÒ"ڄ -EY"9=Og o4ja9P#]6GVnd2SȤ DSFHrx} ֚'r*> rs=rr9 6wAc^\4+'_sai 4o[}YEmNσK,wi2Wb@RTum]=heC t͓,=Fŋ/S`M9"DQ?o/GV_,ZV8;~`Ψ;ˬb%$S}gvv P+n0v?9'{EB< raL"pf'Ps¼vn NNtthhզP`P]Q@<(y A"NftwVȤ[n'w-QcSi&[ <\n}=R.66ZT$pC9;%Tϱ}SS(Qފ<Z/'J`>7EIM+S8[cTLpj]پ\rH|3(mQ Al؁V Ŕo#v}#%)ڬ'fqŭ|5G*Yъ$d=JDCp?8>.{?}-~('c;G~3FҔ嬀6ވ`p1$UB$'hzcɠPvO~hˬSEEת; c'R ϾYYUUsdt`1f/~pG?q2k`Aja%3b/ԁSX>:[ JBӱSRkQX5fgw.:s *6VFFR%?v|M:Kh6!q8WX / "*IAu ,y~T?}.Z3f }(l{q%ELϨg5C3QZ*n ѽ|iݓШ'(+M`$;ܼ_Hq8W#%xMcCh kKгӤ.Ir%с=vW%DܑT)?x 8R/)XpkF7jComb:;Pͧn!G.¥m}'f~Z;R QeE7D[v*C[mV":YT7G~ZMRKfl4Fv.ܪT 2K3n:CjZUADu$]R[xcZ.zW#XT; *=@ zO_ vʍdvʷӎ[|} ]8cuU],5h|y#j+]V[z[H_&[4prD7%O(EA,m@ewb547|m;I&D?>_hoyHHȀΞtAKZOD˥QZj5Ozl=2L|]^Uf>o c4+'8&l;Y$# |k_|4_Oc k&%5i+8ߢ,@B a#ϓɲ3oqf.!$yKahp#Y֥_Lcjg ΅PXH eSx}sVj(hi0! /pڤ^#χǏ)Xs-YDѰ|pׂo'm&%I8<g_^\`A!D )QbVS;Gk 2ֽ7 F(Z&TK5l?LiQmt?dxgTJs| LKD_>%äh:(/=B秠ҫP.BIUuX<!I]1Mչ8:h_31k::bJ.ßWĢ$&:ꊛD܃cv$j-L|PoFJeyfuh3Tm ^SVIBiV0 !%` i{2LJBTeVmx-x $ fco"])?;5 򒒧o [£72!7 }jއv4]hۃgUVV+] pF4l$C0_W9ƮhcWn&Gxۆ{x(Z}侼(1݅&v#Z{oTUn&03]`8ƌ}803)[J]*1w6T sHƋrp`%J<zⓘbѻ 8̾/snjC?v87?1,Λ4p{0kꈈRwVQ1?Uid#0t7iG .Q 3޾?'@æ,yU(dBAQVEq=eQ<LkG埿׍','UR=f4T}DS{՘cߓxm`QlqgTU ӊԐM#ٴI^ףR'sL۹-˛ MwqT3[ x%Ц`js[=jF¯ ^|ZrK>i;?{s*!iGm>ddB$gx%ŀDK'am|K=4