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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["Never Been Small" by Jennarie playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ I will always be loud ♪

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♪ I have always been free… ♪

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[emcee] Please, everybody, put your hands
together for the amazing Rosebud Baker!

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♪ And I will always be me ♪

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[cheers and applause]

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♪ And I'm alive… ♪

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Thank you, guys.

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[cheers and applause continue]

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Thank you.

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♪ And I'm alive… ♪

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Okay!

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[man whooping]

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Thank you so much. Wow.

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Thank you, thank you.

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Oh wow, that stopped abruptly.

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[crowd laughing]

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I am stoked to be here.

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I'm psyched to be out of my house.

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I, uh… I had a baby 11 months ago.

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[cheers and applause]

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Thank you. Yeah.

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[crowd laughing]

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No. I am eight months pregnant!

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Take it in. [chuckles]

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Just take it in, and then ignore it.

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'Cause… I'm not keeping it.

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Ha!

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-[crowd laughs]
-[light clapping]

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Just trying to quit smoking, you guys.

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It's tough.

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But yeah, how many of you guys
are child-free in the audience?

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Child-free people here.

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[loud cheering]

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Hell yeah.

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Yeah, it's like the fucking DNC in here.

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-That's… amazing.
-[crowd laughing]

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I can't believe I was one of you.

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-Um…
-[crowd chuckling]

42
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It's crazy, I… I really didn't want kids.

43
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Uh, and then I looked around
and I saw how much fun

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all my friends without kids were having,

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and I said, "That's not for me."

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[crowd laughing]

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You know what I'm saying?
I don't… I guess…

48
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Child-free people,
you guys are out here, you're evolving.

49
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You're, like, fucking climbing mountains.

50
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You're kayaking, reading books,

51
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doing butt stuff.

52
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[crowd laughing]

53
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Pass.

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[crowd laughing]

55
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Yeah, I'm not trying to evolve.

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I'm not trying to strive
for excellence, actually.

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I'm just… I wanna decay.

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[crowd chuckling]

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I just wanna decay in my house.

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And so I had a kid, and… so far so good.

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[crowd laughing]

62
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Yeah, I was so positive
I didn't want kids,

63
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and then everything changed.

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And the first thing that happened was
that I got married during the pandemic,

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which is a little bit
like freeing Britney.

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[crowd chuckling]

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felt like a good idea at the time.

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[crowd laughing]

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-[woman whoops]
-[laughter continues]

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I feel like if we all check in,
we're like, "Maybe we rushed things."

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But we're stickin' with it.

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And there wasn't a whole lot to do

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as a newly married couple
during the pandemic.

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You know, so we fucked a lot.

75
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'Cause I'm… I was too embarrassed
to dance on TikTok.

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[crowd laughing]

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I could be a fucking millionaire by now.

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But I fucked my husband like an idiot.

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And I got pregnant. And I was like,
"Okay, well, we don't want kids."

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"But we're married,
so I guess we gotta keep this one."

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[crowd chuckling]

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[chuckles]

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There's no rule or anything,

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but I feel like
at a certain stage of life…

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Like, Planned Parenthood,

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it feels a little like Coachella.

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[crowd laughing]

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Like, I got a right to be there,
but I've aged out, and…

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[crowd laughing]

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You know what I'm saying?
I don't like the crowds.

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I was like, "All right."

92
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I guess I'm gonna be a mom, you know.

93
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And I didn't know what kind of mom I'd be.

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I've been an angry bar clown
my entire adult life.

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-[man] Yes!
-[clapping]

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-So…
-[whooping]

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Yeah, fun unless you're my kid.

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Um…

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I'm just like, it's not
the most nurturing position to be in.

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But then I realized,
well, I could be a cold mother.

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[crowd laughing]

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Just like a frigid bitch that

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won't read you a bedtime story,
but I'll fight the bullies myself.

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You know what I mean?
My kid comes home crying.

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I run to the playground,
dump Timmy's snacks on his head.

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Just fight his mom too.

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Just… lay that bitch out.

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You know? I was like,
"Okay. I know what kind of mom I'll be."

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And then finally, once I decided
what kind of mother I was gonna be,

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I kind of could picture it, and then
my husband and I got hit with a curveball,

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which is that we lost the pregnancy.

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-[sad crowd reactions]
-Which is tough, yeah.

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But you know, God never gives you
more than you can handle. And, uh…

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[crowd laughing]

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I guess… [chuckles]

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I guess I'd had enough abortions where
He was like, "This one's on the house."

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[crowd laughing]

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I dodged it, you know?

119
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Got a freebie.

120
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[chuckles] Now… Yeah, it's rough.

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It's tough for anybody
to lose a pregnancy.

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But we're two comics, and so,
we do pride ourselves on our delivery.

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-Um…
-[crowd laughing]

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-So…
-[crowd cheering]

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A little tougher

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for us.

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[chuckling] No, but it taught me a really
valuable lesson 'cause I was like, "Okay…"

128
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See, I never wanted kids
until kids started playing hard to get.

129
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[crowd laughing]

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I was like, "Oh, okay,
if you're gonna ghost me…"

131
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[crowd laughing]

132
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:08,826
"…now I'm fucking into it."

133
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,453
[crowd laughing]

134
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I love an emotionally unavailable baby.
That's hot.

135
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[crowd laughing]

136
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Just in it for the chase.

137
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And I made a rookie mistake.

138
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The second I found out I was pregnant,
I told everybody I knew.

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Which is, you know, I thought you had to.

140
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I went around
to all my friends individually,

141
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and I was like, "Goodbye."

142
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[crowd chuckling]

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This was fun.

144
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You know, but then I had to give them
the news that we'd had a miscarriage.

145
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And nobody talks about miscarriages,
so it was tough to give them that news.

146
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And I guess they don't make cards for it

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'cause Hallmark doesn't think
there's a market for that.

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-Whatever.
-[crowd laughing]

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I think you could. Honestly, I think
you could make miscarriage cards.

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You put a baby on the front,
you open it up, it just goes, "Psych!"

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[crowd laughing]

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♪ Can't touch this
Dah-nah-nah-nah ♪

153
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[chuckles] You know.

154
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Keep it fun.

155
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So I had to tell all my friends.

156
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And they didn't know what to do.
They didn't know what to say.

157
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You know, they tried their best.
We got a lot of plants.

158
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[crowd chuckling]

159
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A lot of plants.

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Um… a little tone-deaf, I would say.

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You know, plants for a miscarriage.

162
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Nobody meant it this way,
but the subtext is like…

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-"Why don't you practice on this?"
-[crowd laughing]

164
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"Try growing something
outside of your body first."

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[chuckles]

166
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Everybody always gets sad
at that part. Um…

167
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[crowd chuckling]

168
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[chuckles] But my husband was like,
"What do you wanna do, babe?"

169
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"Do you wanna try again?"

170
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"Would you like to,
you know, pause on all this?"

171
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And I was like, "Well, you know,
we've got these plans to focus on."

172
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"So let's be responsible."

173
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But we kept getting asked the question.

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I think all child-free people
get asked this question, like,

175
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"Do you guys want kids?"

176
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"When are you gonna have babies?
What about babies?"

177
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And, finally, it felt like JD Vance
at my door every fucking day.

178
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Like, "When ya having kids?!"

179
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[crowd chuckling]

180
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So finally, I was like, "Let's do IVF."
You know what I mean?

181
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Let's freeze our embryos,
take the pressure off ourselves.

182
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Then when people get nosy
and they go, "Do you want kids?"

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I can be like, "Actually, we had kids."

184
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"Um, they live in a freezer in Midtown."

185
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:23,085
[crowd laughing]

186
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"And if you don't mind your business,
I'll feed them to the dog."

187
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:28,841
[crowd laughing]

188
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[chuckles]

189
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It's a joke for my mother-in-law. Um…

190
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:35,264
[crowd laughing]

191
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[chuckles]

192
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Anyways, I just wanna say
to anybody that's been through IVF,

193
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it is a brutal, brutal process

194
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for women.

195
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[sighs]

196
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Men, I can't stress this enough.

197
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You're fucking useless.

198
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,118
-[crowd chuckling]
-[light clapping]

199
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Sure, cum in a cup
like the heroes you are.

200
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,708
[crowd laughing]

201
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:06,629
But, oh my God, if there's one thing
that I've learned from pregnancy,

202
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,757
from IVF, it's that you guys are absolute…

203
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,385
Looking at my husband's useless head

204
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:16,389
fills me with rage that I can't describe.

205
00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:17,932
[two women cheer]

206
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:19,100
And he loves it.

207
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:21,936
He loves to see me weakened by his sperm.

208
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:24,021
-Do you understand?
-[crowd chuckling]

209
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:27,567
Every favor, it's like,
"Do you want some water?"

210
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,528
I'm like, "Oh, you'd fucking love it
if I needed water!"

211
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:32,613
"I got it!"

212
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:35,575
[huffs]

213
00:09:36,617 --> 00:09:38,661
That joke always gives me a hot flash.

214
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:41,330
Anyway.

215
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,001
So I went through
this whole process, right?

216
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:46,586
And… and it was brutal.

217
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:50,381
It was like the most money
that I've ever spent on drugs.

218
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,718
[sighs] And none of them got me high.

219
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,887
Um, until the end,

220
00:09:57,513 --> 00:10:00,433
where they do the surgery
where they take out your eggs,

221
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:02,059
and they let you do fentanyl.

222
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,312
[exhales deeply]

223
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,314
[crowd chuckling]

224
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,649
And I just wanna say,

225
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:11,819
I'm thinking about doing another round.

226
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:13,654
[crowd laughing]

227
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:17,575
[sucks teeth] Yeah.

228
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:20,870
They say when you have kids,

229
00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:23,372
you'll experience
a love you've never known.

230
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,042
Those people have not tried fentanyl.

231
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,127
[crowd laughing]

232
00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:31,255
My husband walked in the room
after that surgery.

233
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:33,174
I went, "Shh. I'm listening to Drake."

234
00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:35,051
[crowd laughing]

235
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:37,053
There was no music on.

236
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:38,929
[crowd laughing]

237
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,390
It was just me taking a bath with God.

238
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,310
Listening to Drake, apparently.

239
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:48,189
And I'm glad they gave it to me.
I'm glad that they allowed me to do that.

240
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:50,358
Because, honestly, it's a lot, you know?

241
00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:53,152
You have to go through two weeks,
you give yourself shots.

242
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:56,489
Uh, you have to fucking get
your blood drawn every other day.

243
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:59,784
You go through
these crazy hormonal ups and downs.

244
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:01,327
Then you go in for the surgery.

245
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:04,121
They take a needle,
they put it through your fucking tubes.

246
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,749
And the whole time I'm doing this,

247
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:08,751
my husband's in the next room,

248
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,629
just jerking off in a doctor's office…

249
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,714
[crowd laughing]

250
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:16,592
Doing the real heavy lifting.

251
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:21,555
I'm like, "You better
give me fentanyl. Okay."

252
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,558
If I'm going through a surgery
to give us a child,

253
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:27,853
and you're next door just, like,
shooting ropes to another woman…

254
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,147
Just… furiously, just…

255
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,317
I'll f… I'll fucking kill you myself.

256
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,403
[crowd laughing]

257
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,656
He should have to jerk off
to me getting the surgery.

258
00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:40,741
[crowd laughing]

259
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,910
[cheers and applause]

260
00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:43,994
[chuckles]

261
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:46,664
-He… [chuckles]
-[woman laughs hard]

262
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:49,709
He should be in the corner of the room
like me with that IVF needle,

263
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:51,544
like, "I can't do this!"

264
00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:53,713
[crowd laughing]

265
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:58,092
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

266
00:11:58,175 --> 00:12:01,011
We both have to walk away
a little scarred.

267
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,598
Okay? We gotta sacrifice something.

268
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:07,435
But, so we went through this whole thing,
we finished up IVF.

269
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:10,896
And I'm gonna sound like Trump right now,
but we did big numbers, okay?

270
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,982
[crowd laughing]

271
00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:15,109
Yeah. Huge.

272
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,485
And, um…

273
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:20,364
And I didn't know this,
but during IVF, they grade your embryos.

274
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:23,117
They pull all your best stuff,
they put 'em together.

275
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,995
And they make
your own little team of Avengers.

276
00:12:27,037 --> 00:12:29,290
So we had these perfect embryos,

277
00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:32,084
and $20,000 later,

278
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,712
my husband and I finally got pregnant,

279
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:37,256
raw-doggin' it while I had COVID.

280
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,341
[crowd laughing]

281
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,845
[laughter continues]

282
00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:44,930
[scattered applause]

283
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:52,146
So this is not gonna be our best work
is what I'm saying.

284
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,150
-[huffs]
-[crowd laughing]

285
00:12:57,735 --> 00:13:00,279
She's a little dumb, but she's strong.
Know what I mean?

286
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,698
She's a survivor.

287
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:06,243
And I gotta… [chuckles]

288
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:09,872
I gotta tell you guys,
you know, she's fucking huge.

289
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:11,040
I mean…

290
00:13:12,374 --> 00:13:15,127
I was like, "I'm never gonna comment
on my baby's body."

291
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:18,631
Then I had a newborn
the size of a fucking cocker spaniel.

292
00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:20,716
[crowd laughing]

293
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,636
We hug… it looks like two adults hugging.

294
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,348
I turn around, you're like,
"Oh, I thought that was a bald man."

295
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,850
"I thought you married for money."

296
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,936
[crowd laughing]

297
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:33,938
[chuckles]

298
00:13:34,688 --> 00:13:37,107
It's crazy too. I honestly…

299
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:41,111
I'm so surprised
by how much I love this kid.

300
00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:44,198
You know? I mean, don't get me wrong.
I knew I was gonna love her.

301
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:46,033
But I didn't know
it was gonna be like this.

302
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,911
Because I didn't always wanna be a mom.

303
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:52,748
I guess I thought that
loving your kid this much was for people

304
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,959
whose, like, dreams had gone away.

305
00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:57,044
[crowd laughing]

306
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,176
[chuckles] Put it this way.
Whenever I'd talk to somebody,

307
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,886
and they were like, "The day I had my kid,

308
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:08,430
the rest of my life
just didn't matter as much."

309
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:10,558
I'd be like,
"Well, yeah, you were a gym teacher."

310
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:12,643
[crowd laughing]

311
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:14,937
"I'm not a fucking loser."

312
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,605
[crowd chuckling]

313
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,482
"I had a cool life, okay?"

314
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:23,654
But it's true.
I am a loser. I am a loser for this kid.

315
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:26,824
There is like nothing new
you can say about parenthood

316
00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:29,368
because every cliché is just true.

317
00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:30,619
Except for this one.

318
00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:33,330
Parents used to say this to me.

319
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:36,500
"I didn't even understand
what love was until I had a baby."

320
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,044
And that is horseshit.

321
00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:42,756
Okay? 'Cause the way I feel
about my kid, it's not love.

322
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,800
It's a brand-new emotion

323
00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:46,969
that I don't have a name for.

324
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:49,430
But it's a lot scarier than love.

325
00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:52,683
Like, I love my husband. Love him.

326
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:55,519
I would never put my nose in his ass

327
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,605
to check if it's just a fart.

328
00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,523
[crowd laughing]

329
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,609
[laughter and clapping]

330
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,450
Not for the money
he's making right now anyway.

331
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:11,493
[crowd laughing]

332
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,120
There's no fucking way.

333
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,250
Gonna have to jump up
a couple tax brackets.

334
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:23,255
But it is, it's wild,
'cause I didn't feel like this right away.

335
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:26,467
Um, I'm glad I got here,
but it wasn't like this off the bat.

336
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:27,676
You know, I had her.

337
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,055
And immediately I was like,
"Well, this is boring as fuck."

338
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,141
Like I would've died for her,
but I couldn't tell you why

339
00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:36,477
'cause she wasn't bringing
much to the table.

340
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:41,440
Okay, I didn't know, like, human babies,
they don't come out… cooked.

341
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:46,195
She wasn't premature.
She just wasn't online.

342
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,280
[crowd chuckling]

343
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,284
And I was like,
"All right. Well, this sucks," you know.

344
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:55,788
All they do is shit and eat, and I'm like,
"This is like having a pet turtle."

345
00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,247
[crowd chuckling]

346
00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:59,833
I could've gone to Petco. Um…

347
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:02,211
My friend calls,
one of my best friends, and she goes,

348
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,545
"Hey, Mama."

349
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:09,134
"Hey, Mommy." They all talk to you
like you've had a traumatic brain injury.

350
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:13,013
All your… your best friends. "Hey, Mama."

351
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:15,349
Just makes you wanna grab
a "live, laugh, love" pillow

352
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:16,350
and fucking end it.

353
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:18,435
[crowd laughing]

354
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:21,563
[chuckling] I was like…

355
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,358
So she goes, "How's mommyhood, Mama?"

356
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:25,985
[crowd chuckling]

357
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:28,612
I was like,
"I think I may have fucked up my life."

358
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,365
"In a pretty irreversible way."

359
00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:33,450
[crowd chuckling]

360
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,370
When she goes,
"Well, maybe it's postpartum depression."

361
00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:37,329
[man exclaims]

362
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,248
And I was like, "I don't wanna kill it."

363
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:41,208
[crowd laughing]

364
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:46,797
"It's just not really a newborn person,
you know?"

365
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:49,925
I was kinda hoping for
a little more action. I just…

366
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:53,137
I was hoping for a giraffe birth,
where you pop it out, you watch it run.

367
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:55,097
[crowd laughing]

368
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,348
It's exciting.

369
00:16:58,684 --> 00:16:59,810
You know, this sucked.

370
00:16:59,893 --> 00:17:02,312
I kept doing shit with her
before she was ready.

371
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,649
She was eight weeks old,
and I took her to the playground.

372
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,735
[crowd chuckling]

373
00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:11,655
I looked like I was taking
a corpse down the slide.

374
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,824
[crowd laughing]

375
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,077
[chuckles]

376
00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:22,207
People were looking at me like
I'd lost my child and wouldn't accept it.

377
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,420
They were shuffling their kids
off the playground.

378
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:30,632
While I Weekend at Bernie's'd
my newborn at the hopscotch.

379
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:31,925
She's like…

380
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,011
[crowd laughing]

381
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:36,555
[chuckles]

382
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,183
[chuckles]

383
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:42,519
I don't know if I had
postpartum depression, honestly.

384
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:46,273
I could've written "I have a gun"
on one of those screening things,

385
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:49,026
and the doctors would've been like,
"All right. You look good."

386
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:51,779
My husband, uh…

387
00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:55,741
My husband actually got
postpartum anxiety,

388
00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:57,993
which is… a woman's disease.

389
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,787
[crowd laughing]

390
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:04,708
Very supportive… of him.

391
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,085
[crowd chuckling]

392
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:09,755
I mean, I didn't know that men could get
postpartum anxiety and depression.

393
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:11,924
But they… Actually, they can get it

394
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,383
if they voted for Bernie.

395
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:15,469
[crowd laughing and jeering]

396
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:21,391
So I knew something was off right away,
'cause we got home from the hospital,

397
00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:25,104
and he was rushing in to see if she was
still breathing, every five seconds.

398
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:26,939
He was like, "Is she breathing?"

399
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:30,484
And before we knew it was anxiety,
and because he's a man,

400
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,361
it… it pissed me off.

401
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:33,654
[crowd chuckling]

402
00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:36,406
It… It just felt like
he was checking my work.

403
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:38,492
[crowd laughing]

404
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,705
I was like, "I just made her."

405
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:44,623
Um…

406
00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:47,292
"Out of your jizz, by the way."

407
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,213
"You know that useless goo
you shot out of your dick?"

408
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,215
"I put a head and ears on that."

409
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:55,342
[crowd laughing]

410
00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:01,932
"Just 3D printed a perfect human being
out of that garbage."

411
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:06,270
"And you've got the nerve
to come in like it's a group project."

412
00:19:07,771 --> 00:19:09,773
I'm like, "She's done, babe."

413
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,067
"She's finished, you know?"

414
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,445
It made me miss the fucking '60s.

415
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:18,824
I was like, "Go smoke cigarettes
and cheat on me like a normal man."

416
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:20,951
[crowd laughing]

417
00:19:21,034 --> 00:19:22,911
"You'll meet her when she's 18."

418
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,997
[crowd laughing]

419
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:33,881
No, uh… it is. It's tough to respect a man
after you have a baby.

420
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:35,966
[cheers and laughter]

421
00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:39,678
-It is.
-[crowd whooping]

422
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,180
It's tough.

423
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,932
It's tough to respect them
'cause you realize…

424
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,895
If you're married with a kid,
you realize, "Oh, I had a baby all along."

425
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,229
And now…

426
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:52,024
[crowd laughing]

427
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:53,650
…he's feeling neglected.

428
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,485
[crowd chuckling]

429
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,238
[chuckles] We got home from the hospital,

430
00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:00,616
my husband was like, "My tummy hurts."

431
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:01,825
[crowd laughing]

432
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,660
"I need to lie down."

433
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:06,788
I was like,
"I don't give a fuck about your stomach."

434
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:08,874
[crowd chuckling]

435
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,710
"You're a farmhand now."

436
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,795
[crowd laughing]

437
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,884
I shouldn't… I feel bad making fun of him.

438
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:23,013
'Cause honestly, my husband is way hotter
to me since we had a kid.

439
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:26,558
And he's a great dad, but that is not why.

440
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:29,144
It's that he fucked me so hard,
he ruined my life.

441
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,063
[crowd laughing]

442
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:35,192
That's impressive 'cause there's
a lot of men that talk a lot of game.

443
00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:37,361
They're like,
"I'm gonna destroy that pussy."

444
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:39,404
This gentlehearted man…

445
00:20:39,488 --> 00:20:41,490
[crowd chuckling]

446
00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:44,409
…fucked me so hard, I gained 70 pounds.

447
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,453
[crowd laughing]

448
00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:47,913
That's a real dick.

449
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:49,581
[crowd laughing]

450
00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:52,751
Okay, that's a dick that makes you
sign up for life insurance.

451
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,670
[crowd chuckling]

452
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:59,341
Okay? It's tough. And he's backed me up.
He's backed me up through everything.

453
00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:02,928
Like, he had my back
when I chose not to breastfeed.

454
00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:07,099
Which is crazy, because perfect strangers
have very strong opinions about that.

455
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,767
[crowd laughing]

456
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:11,353
They're like,
"Why wouldn't you breastfeed?"

457
00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:14,231
I'm like, "It's none of your business,
but if you have to know,

458
00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:16,275
it's 'cause we're raising her autistic."

459
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:18,360
[crowd laughing]

460
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:20,445
[audience clapping]

461
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:24,324
Yeah.

462
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:29,705
She's formula fed.
She's got all her vaccines.

463
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,250
[laughter continues]

464
00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:35,002
[cheers and applause]

465
00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:35,961
Yeah.

466
00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:38,880
Yeah, she's gonna
know her way around a map.

467
00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:40,966
[crowd laughing]

468
00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:45,137
Don't come for me
when my kid lays your kid out

469
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:47,139
in the fucking spelling bee. Okay?

470
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,643
No, the real reason I didn't breastfeed
was because I had to go back to work.

471
00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:55,564
And so I walked into the hospital,
and I told them, I was like,

472
00:21:55,647 --> 00:22:00,360
"Hey, I'm not breastfeeding, so you can
tell that lactation twat to skip my room."

473
00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:02,446
[crowd laughing]

474
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:07,284
Which… That is not the job title,

475
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:10,162
but it is the personality
the job attracts.

476
00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:12,122
[crowd laughing]

477
00:22:13,623 --> 00:22:16,418
They send these women into your room
every day in the hospital

478
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,879
with these fucking Scientology smiles.

479
00:22:18,962 --> 00:22:20,964
[crowd chuckling]

480
00:22:21,048 --> 00:22:22,716
They're like, "Hey, Mama."

481
00:22:22,799 --> 00:22:24,801
[crowd chuckling]

482
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,929
"Need some help breastfeeding, Mama?"

483
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:32,142
Then they just press on your tits
until they cry, and, um…

484
00:22:34,478 --> 00:22:36,938
So I was like,
every day they'd come into my room,

485
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:40,650
and be like, "Hey, do you need…"
I was like, "No, I said no. I said no."

486
00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:43,028
And then, finally,
I called my sister who's a nurse.

487
00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:45,155
And I was like,
"I think this hospital is haunted."

488
00:22:45,238 --> 00:22:47,240
[crowd laughing]

489
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,369
"What the fuck do I do?"
And she goes, "Oh no."

490
00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:53,455
She told me that hospitals
actually get accreditation points,

491
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:55,749
the more people
that leave having breastfed.

492
00:22:56,249 --> 00:22:58,126
Um… which is crazy to me.

493
00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:01,463
I guess they're all, like,
playing a video game against each other.

494
00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:05,842
And, like… whoever gets
the most tits to latch

495
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:07,803
gets, like, new cow-print smocks?

496
00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:08,720
I don't know.

497
00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:10,806
[crowd chuckling]

498
00:23:10,889 --> 00:23:12,182
You can… [chuckles]

499
00:23:13,308 --> 00:23:16,561
You can call me old-fashioned,
but I really don't think that nurses

500
00:23:16,645 --> 00:23:19,439
should need the same motivation
as a liquor rep.

501
00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:21,525
[crowd laughing]

502
00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:26,780
So finally, I was like, "I don't think
they're gonna let me leave."

503
00:23:26,863 --> 00:23:28,407
"So I'm gonna fake it."

504
00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:30,617
And I was like, "Send in the titty tutor."

505
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:32,452
[crowd chuckling]

506
00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:35,080
In this capitalist pig nurse comes in.

507
00:23:35,163 --> 00:23:36,373
[crowd laughing]

508
00:23:36,456 --> 00:23:37,749
[chuckles]

509
00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:40,544
And she's like, "You need some help?"

510
00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:44,673
So I'm… So I'm just hovering
my baby's face over my tit, right?

511
00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:47,092
Just, like, miming breastfeeding.

512
00:23:47,175 --> 00:23:49,302
I'm just like, "Oh, shoot."

513
00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:50,679
[sucks teeth]

514
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:52,764
[laughter slowly builds]

515
00:23:54,641 --> 00:23:56,726
"Looks like she's not gonna latch."

516
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,439
"I guess I should just forgive myself."

517
00:24:00,522 --> 00:24:02,524
[crowd laughing]

518
00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:05,652
I'm just using twat language to…

519
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:08,238
Guess I shouldn't internalize it.

520
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:10,991
And I should… should forgive my body.

521
00:24:12,868 --> 00:24:14,411
She's like, "No, she's latched!"

522
00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:16,580
And I'm like, "Oh fuck!" And I just try

523
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:19,416
batting her face off my tit.

524
00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:21,501
[crowd laughing]

525
00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:22,586
[chuckles]

526
00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:25,755
Like chasing orphans away
from a bakery window.

527
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:27,132
[crowd laughing]

528
00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:28,467
Shoo!

529
00:24:31,761 --> 00:24:34,848
I am very excited, though.
We're having a girl.

530
00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:37,309
-Um… thank you.
-[cheers and applause]

531
00:24:37,392 --> 00:24:39,436
Yeah, that's really exciting.

532
00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:42,147
Just to be clear,
I don't care what her pronouns are.

533
00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:44,357
I just want her to identify
as a huge cunt.

534
00:24:44,441 --> 00:24:45,734
That's all I care about.

535
00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:47,527
[crowd laughing]

536
00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:49,571
That is how I'm raising her.

537
00:24:49,654 --> 00:24:51,406
[audience clapping]

538
00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:53,033
She's gonna have my attitude,

539
00:24:53,116 --> 00:24:55,494
and she's gonna have a dad
she's not afraid of.

540
00:24:55,577 --> 00:24:56,620
And that's a brutal…

541
00:24:58,038 --> 00:25:00,290
brutal combo for a white lady.

542
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:02,626
-[loud whooping]
-Okay. [chuckles]

543
00:25:02,709 --> 00:25:04,794
-Yeah.
-[crowd clapping]

544
00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:07,380
Yeah, she's gonna send back
a lot of salads.

545
00:25:07,464 --> 00:25:08,882
It's gonna be rough.

546
00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:10,467
[light laughter]

547
00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:14,804
So, it is very isolating, having a kid.

548
00:25:14,888 --> 00:25:18,475
I wasn't expecting that.
I didn't expect it to be this lonely.

549
00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:22,187
And I've heard that it was lonely,
but I didn't expect it like this.

550
00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:25,482
Nobody has kids in New York.
Let's be honest. It's frowned upon.

551
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:30,445
People treat kids in New York
like they're an endangered species.

552
00:25:30,987 --> 00:25:32,822
They're like, "We have to protect them."

553
00:25:32,906 --> 00:25:36,117
But you bring one in the restaurant,
they're like, "It should be in a cage!"

554
00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:37,953
[crowd laughing]

555
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:39,204
[chuckles]

556
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,041
At this point,
I feel like having a kid in New York

557
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:45,502
is like being gay
in New York in the '50s. Like…

558
00:25:46,795 --> 00:25:50,382
You gotta hang out with people like you,
and you gotta meet them in the park.

559
00:25:50,465 --> 00:25:52,425
[laughter and applause]

560
00:25:53,718 --> 00:25:55,887
-[chuckles]
-[crowd cheering and clapping]

561
00:25:57,931 --> 00:26:00,350
It's rough. It's rough.

562
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:03,853
And I had fucking…
I had a real identity crisis from it.

563
00:26:03,937 --> 00:26:06,356
You know, I went back to work
six weeks later.

564
00:26:06,439 --> 00:26:09,276
My friend comes up to me like,
"What are you doing over the weekend?"

565
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,279
And then he goes, "Oh, you're a mom."
And he fucking ran.

566
00:26:13,113 --> 00:26:16,032
Like it was his baby. He just ran away.

567
00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:18,868
I wanted to be like,
"Listen, you little fuck."

568
00:26:19,619 --> 00:26:22,414
"My life's not over, okay?
It's just worse right now."

569
00:26:22,497 --> 00:26:24,499
[crowd laughing]

570
00:26:25,292 --> 00:26:26,334
"I'll be back."

571
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:29,254
But as the months have gone on,

572
00:26:29,337 --> 00:26:32,299
I realize there's something
really genuinely very freeing

573
00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:34,801
about losing your identity, you know?

574
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:37,429
Truly.

575
00:26:38,221 --> 00:26:42,017
I used to be so invested
in my little fucking personality

576
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,519
and my online persona.

577
00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:45,854
And my opinions.

578
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:48,356
And now it's like,
you can't even piss me off.

579
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,567
'Cause I don't know who the fuck I am.

580
00:26:50,650 --> 00:26:52,652
[crowd laughing]

581
00:26:52,736 --> 00:26:54,738
[scattered applause]

582
00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:58,783
You ask anybody
who's been a victim of identity theft,

583
00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:00,994
once that initial panic subsides,

584
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,539
you're like, "I could do
fucking anything right now."

585
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,458
[crowd chuckling]

586
00:27:06,541 --> 00:27:09,628
I haven't been
in one Internet fight all year.

587
00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:14,633
Which I think means I beat it.
I do think that means I beat the Internet.

588
00:27:15,133 --> 00:27:17,761
October 3rd, my daughter was born.

589
00:27:17,844 --> 00:27:20,764
October 7th, Hamas attacks Israel.

590
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:22,557
I had no fucking clue.

591
00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:24,434
[crowd chuckling]

592
00:27:24,517 --> 00:27:26,519
I posted a picture of my baby.

593
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,605
[crowd laughing]

594
00:27:32,275 --> 00:27:34,736
Somebody wrote, "Release the hostages."

595
00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:36,821
[crowd laughing]

596
00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:41,201
And I thought they were talking about me.

597
00:27:41,284 --> 00:27:43,286
[crowd laughing loudly]

598
00:27:47,415 --> 00:27:49,417
I wrote, "LOL, I know, right?"

599
00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:51,503
[laughter and clapping]

600
00:27:58,301 --> 00:28:01,346
I mean, God Almighty, that's…

601
00:28:01,429 --> 00:28:04,099
They call it brain fog, honestly, which…

602
00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:06,810
That's the medical term for stupid. Um…

603
00:28:07,852 --> 00:28:09,604
I don't think I've gotten dumber.

604
00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:12,524
I think my brain got too crowded
when I had a kid.

605
00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:16,319
It's just everything's overstimulating.
I don't wanna make a single decision.

606
00:28:16,403 --> 00:28:19,781
Now I just watch cult documentaries,
like, aspirationally.

607
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:22,075
[crowd laughing]

608
00:28:22,158 --> 00:28:26,079
Sit back at the end of the day, like,
"Oh not to make a single fucking choice…"

609
00:28:27,747 --> 00:28:31,501
All they gotta do… It's like,
linen every day. Free child care.

610
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:35,130
And all you gotta do is fuck
an ugly public speaker once a month.

611
00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:36,673
-I mean…
-[crowd chuckling]

612
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:37,966
Sign me up.

613
00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:41,970
I'm married to a comic.
I'm kind of doing that anyway.

614
00:28:42,053 --> 00:28:44,180
[crowd exclaiming]

615
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:46,349
Just kidding. He's hot. He's hot, though.

616
00:28:46,891 --> 00:28:49,394
Um… It did piss me off, though,

617
00:28:49,477 --> 00:28:52,230
'cause my husband didn't have
any of this identity shit.

618
00:28:52,313 --> 00:28:55,483
He just breezed into fatherhood
with, like, all of his, like…

619
00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:57,110
He had his New Balances.

620
00:28:57,193 --> 00:29:00,405
-[crowd laughing]
-His shirts… are all a little too short.

621
00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:05,452
It's like he's always rattling off facts
that nobody gives a shit about.

622
00:29:06,578 --> 00:29:07,996
And that is what dads do.

623
00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:10,874
Every dad is playing
a one-man game of Jeopardy!

624
00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:12,208
[crowd laughs]

625
00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:13,668
At all times.

626
00:29:15,253 --> 00:29:16,963
I was walking
in a grocery store last week.

627
00:29:17,046 --> 00:29:20,216
He's like, "Hey, babe.
You wanna know how a cactus drinks water?"

628
00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:22,469
[crowd chuckling]

629
00:29:22,552 --> 00:29:25,138
I was like,
"I'd rather fuck a kangaroo, actually…

630
00:29:25,930 --> 00:29:27,348
than hear the rest of that."

631
00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:31,936
He's also constantly looking
at a map of a place

632
00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:35,398
that we are not going,
and that we've never been to.

633
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:39,486
The other night he was laying next to me,
it's four in the morning,

634
00:29:39,569 --> 00:29:42,781
I see the light of his phone,
I'm like, "Are you cheating?" I look over…

635
00:29:42,864 --> 00:29:45,825
He's taking a Google walk around Romania.

636
00:29:45,909 --> 00:29:47,911
[crowd laughing and clapping]

637
00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:53,917
I was like, "I think that's worse."

638
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,335
[crowd chuckling]

639
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:58,338
Just looking at a place far away from me.

640
00:29:58,421 --> 00:30:00,423
[crowd laughing]

641
00:30:01,925 --> 00:30:03,134
[chuckles]

642
00:30:03,218 --> 00:30:05,637
But like I knew
that he was gonna be a good dad.

643
00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:08,765
I knew right away,
'cause he had a better upbringing than me.

644
00:30:08,848 --> 00:30:12,602
He was raised in Seattle
by his mom and his two gay uncles.

645
00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:15,772
Um, and they all…
they all have the same haircut.

646
00:30:15,855 --> 00:30:17,148
Everybody…

647
00:30:17,232 --> 00:30:19,234
[crowd chuckling]

648
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,821
They just fucking
built wind chimes together.

649
00:30:23,696 --> 00:30:27,033
'Cause that's what you do in Seattle.
You just do rehab activities.

650
00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:29,285
[crowd laughing]

651
00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:31,955
[chuckles] Just go on long hikes,

652
00:30:32,872 --> 00:30:34,707
fucking build birdhouses.

653
00:30:36,709 --> 00:30:39,045
But yeah, so I knew
he was gonna be a good dad.

654
00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:42,966
I had a bit of a different upbringing.
I was raised by Republicans in Texas.

655
00:30:44,008 --> 00:30:45,051
Different vibe.

656
00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:46,302
[crowd chuckling]

657
00:30:46,386 --> 00:30:48,721
Okay? Um, like, here's one difference.

658
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:52,225
My husband got swim lessons as a kid.

659
00:30:52,809 --> 00:30:55,812
I got a swim lesson as a kid.

660
00:30:55,895 --> 00:31:00,275
A Republican swim lesson is when your dad
just fucking footballs you into the water.

661
00:31:00,859 --> 00:31:04,237
And when you think you're about to breathe
your last breath, he jumps in and goes,

662
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:05,864
"You're lucky I saved your life."

663
00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:07,949
[crowd laughing]

664
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:11,703
And you walk around
being like, "He's a hero!"

665
00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:13,121
[crowd chuckling]

666
00:31:13,204 --> 00:31:15,582
"He's mean sometimes,
but he saved my life."

667
00:31:16,708 --> 00:31:20,712
Okay? My dad had five daughters.

668
00:31:21,296 --> 00:31:23,298
That's not because he loves women.

669
00:31:23,798 --> 00:31:27,135
Um, that's how many times
he was trying for a boy.

670
00:31:28,344 --> 00:31:31,806
I have the only old-school,
conservative dad

671
00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:34,392
who would be thrilled if I transitioned.

672
00:31:34,475 --> 00:31:36,519
[crowd laughing]

673
00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,605
[clapping and cheering]

674
00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:42,275
"We'll buy you a stopwatch."

675
00:31:42,358 --> 00:31:44,694
[crowd laughing]

676
00:31:47,780 --> 00:31:50,992
But so my dad,
when he wanted to bond with me, right,

677
00:31:51,075 --> 00:31:54,454
he would take me hunting,
as a little girl,

678
00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:55,872
because I loved animals.

679
00:31:55,955 --> 00:31:57,957
[crowd exclaiming in shock]

680
00:32:00,001 --> 00:32:02,545
And if I got upset, he'd go, "Ah!"
And he'd… [mimics gunshot]

681
00:32:02,629 --> 00:32:05,340
…like, shoot a bird out of the sky
and let me fetch it.

682
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:08,009
To cheer me up, you guys.

683
00:32:08,092 --> 00:32:09,427
[crowd chuckling]

684
00:32:09,510 --> 00:32:13,514
So while my husband's in Seattle, like,
painting his face and eating crayons…

685
00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:15,600
[crowd laughing]

686
00:32:17,727 --> 00:32:20,730
…looking like Sia's
first album cover, like…

687
00:32:20,813 --> 00:32:22,815
[crowd laughing]

688
00:32:24,901 --> 00:32:28,863
…I'm doing field-dog work
like a beagle in the woods.

689
00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:31,240
All right?

690
00:32:31,324 --> 00:32:34,535
And that… you know,
I've learned a lot about my parents.

691
00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:36,579
I really… this year…

692
00:32:36,663 --> 00:32:39,916
When you have a kid, you just start to…
Like, everything opens up.

693
00:32:39,999 --> 00:32:42,627
I was in the hospital,
and I'm sitting next to my mother,

694
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:43,544
and I go, "Hey."

695
00:32:43,628 --> 00:32:45,129
I'm like… had just given birth.

696
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:47,966
"Hey, was there anything
that really scared you when I was born?"

697
00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:49,550
She goes, "Oh yeah."

698
00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:51,886
[chuckles]

699
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:55,181
"When you were born,
you had to get a blood transfusion."

700
00:32:55,264 --> 00:32:59,352
"Then we found out kids your age getting
blood transfusions were getting AIDS."

701
00:32:59,435 --> 00:33:01,062
[mixed crowd reactions]

702
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:02,313
[light chuckling]

703
00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:04,899
And I was like,
"When did you get me tested for AIDS?"

704
00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:07,110
She goes, "We didn't."

705
00:33:07,193 --> 00:33:09,195
[crowd laughing]

706
00:33:16,244 --> 00:33:17,620
Yeah, just eyeball it.

707
00:33:17,704 --> 00:33:19,706
[crowd laughing]

708
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:24,210
And this is what a WASP my mother is.

709
00:33:24,293 --> 00:33:26,295
She goes, "Rosie, you don't understand."

710
00:33:26,379 --> 00:33:29,215
"If we got you tested,
it would've ruined your social life."

711
00:33:29,298 --> 00:33:31,300
[crowd laughing and groaning]

712
00:33:34,929 --> 00:33:38,099
I was like, "You know what
would've ruined my social life, Mom?"

713
00:33:39,308 --> 00:33:42,520
"Giving every one
of my high school boyfriends AIDS."

714
00:33:42,603 --> 00:33:44,605
[crowd laughing]

715
00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:49,944
So, you know…

716
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:52,947
Based on our different upbringings,

717
00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:55,908
my husband and I have
different parenting styles.

718
00:33:56,492 --> 00:33:57,493
Okay?

719
00:33:57,577 --> 00:34:00,705
'Cause I'm trying to raise our daughter
according to our values

720
00:34:00,788 --> 00:34:03,249
and to, like, fix whatever was broken.

721
00:34:03,332 --> 00:34:04,208
Okay?

722
00:34:04,292 --> 00:34:08,129
But when you're raised by Republicans,
you're a piece of shit deep down.

723
00:34:09,213 --> 00:34:11,215
It… It gets in your bones.

724
00:34:12,133 --> 00:34:13,509
It's like Lyme disease.

725
00:34:13,593 --> 00:34:15,678
[crowd laughing]

726
00:34:17,180 --> 00:34:19,182
You just gotta live with those flare-ups.

727
00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:21,267
[crowd chuckling]

728
00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:25,646
So I'll give you guys an example.

729
00:34:26,314 --> 00:34:28,274
My husband and I were driving in New York.

730
00:34:28,357 --> 00:34:31,444
He was driving because I didn't wanna
listen to him tell me how to do it.

731
00:34:31,527 --> 00:34:33,071
[crowd laughing]

732
00:34:33,154 --> 00:34:36,949
And he's driving, and I see
this homeless guy wandering around

733
00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:39,535
in the middle of the street
during rush-hour.

734
00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:42,872
So I was like, "Hey, babe, heads-up.
Don't hit the homeless guy."

735
00:34:43,372 --> 00:34:44,832
Pretty decent thing to say.

736
00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:46,918
[crowd chuckling]

737
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:50,838
My husband, Mr. Seattle,
turns to me, and he goes,

738
00:34:50,922 --> 00:34:53,841
"I don't wanna be an asshole,
but you're supposed to say 'unhoused.'"

739
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:55,927
[crowd exclaiming and laughing]

740
00:35:00,681 --> 00:35:04,185
Here's the thing. I knew you were supposed
to say unhoused, but it was just us there.

741
00:35:04,268 --> 00:35:05,144
Dick.

742
00:35:05,228 --> 00:35:07,230
[crowd laughing]

743
00:35:10,525 --> 00:35:13,194
[scoffs] I'm like,
"Are we on a fucking podcast? What the…"

744
00:35:13,277 --> 00:35:15,279
[crowd laughing]

745
00:35:18,241 --> 00:35:20,868
[sighs] I was like, "Babe, um…"

746
00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:23,871
"Well, he has a sign,
and it says, 'I'm fuckin' homeless.'"

747
00:35:23,955 --> 00:35:25,957
[crowd laughing]

748
00:35:27,917 --> 00:35:29,794
Maybe you wanna respect his pronouns?

749
00:35:29,877 --> 00:35:31,796
[crowd laughing]

750
00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:34,590
[cheers and applause]

751
00:35:34,674 --> 00:35:35,800
Right.

752
00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:41,639
But then I got greedy
'cause I got, like, one good line in.

753
00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:43,683
[crowd laughing]

754
00:35:43,766 --> 00:35:45,685
I was like, "Babe, should we pull over

755
00:35:45,768 --> 00:35:48,771
and just tell him
how offensive that sign is?"

756
00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:50,857
[crowd chuckling]

757
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:54,402
"He's gonna cause an accident."

758
00:35:56,737 --> 00:35:59,157
My husband was like,
"I'm gonna teach my wife a lesson today."

759
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:00,491
And he pulls over…

760
00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:02,243
[crowd exclaiming]

761
00:36:02,326 --> 00:36:05,288
Yeah. He pulls over, like,
"I'm gonna go check on this guy."

762
00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:08,124
Which makes them sound
like a hero in the story.

763
00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:10,501
Um, he's not. He's abusing his wife.

764
00:36:10,585 --> 00:36:12,587
[crowd laughing]

765
00:36:13,462 --> 00:36:15,381
So he gets out
to check on his homeless guy

766
00:36:15,464 --> 00:36:19,177
while we're blocking traffic
in New York City during rush hour.

767
00:36:19,260 --> 00:36:22,763
All these angry New Yorkers start getting
out of their cars, leaning on their horns.

768
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:24,891
I panic, roll the window down,

769
00:36:24,974 --> 00:36:26,601
I point to my husband
and the homeless guy,

770
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:28,394
I'm like, "That's his dad!"

771
00:36:28,477 --> 00:36:30,479
[crowd laughing]

772
00:36:35,610 --> 00:36:37,069
I just fuckin' lied.

773
00:36:38,154 --> 00:36:40,239
And that's Republican shit right there.

774
00:36:40,323 --> 00:36:42,325
-[crowd laughing]
-Yeah.

775
00:36:42,408 --> 00:36:44,410
[cheers and applause]

776
00:36:45,077 --> 00:36:47,246
Yeah, they trained me to do that.

777
00:36:48,789 --> 00:36:50,958
You can say what you want
about Republicans,

778
00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:53,711
but they are the quickest people
on earth with a lie.

779
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:57,298
Being a MAGA Republican right now
has gotta feel like

780
00:36:57,381 --> 00:37:00,509
shitting in a public bathroom
and finding out there's no toilet paper.

781
00:37:00,593 --> 00:37:03,346
You're like… "Well, these are the facts."

782
00:37:03,846 --> 00:37:06,599
"And I gotta get real creative
real fucking quick."

783
00:37:06,682 --> 00:37:08,684
[crowd laughing]

784
00:37:10,686 --> 00:37:13,522
And you just run out of the bathroom like,
"They're eating the pets!"

785
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:15,608
[crowd laughing]

786
00:37:16,275 --> 00:37:17,443
"In there!"

787
00:37:20,696 --> 00:37:24,325
It's amazing. And I…
It's… Honestly, it works.

788
00:37:24,867 --> 00:37:27,828
You tell enough lies, and people…
It's not that they believe the lies.

789
00:37:27,912 --> 00:37:30,164
They just stop believing in anything.
They just…

790
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:34,585
Everyone just stops believing in anything.
I mean, that's how QAnon happened.

791
00:37:34,669 --> 00:37:38,381
I… And I don't really know how
to get into this except to say that, um…

792
00:37:38,464 --> 00:37:40,341
my hairdresser joined QAnon.

793
00:37:40,424 --> 00:37:42,176
-Um…
-[crowd chuckling]

794
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:44,804
I don't know if you can still tell.
It was a while ago.

795
00:37:44,887 --> 00:37:46,222
[crowd laughing]

796
00:37:46,305 --> 00:37:48,766
Don't tell me if you can. Um…

797
00:37:49,350 --> 00:37:51,811
But yeah, she joined.
And this is how I found out.

798
00:37:51,894 --> 00:37:54,772
I showed up to get a haircut.
She comes out, she was like,

799
00:37:54,855 --> 00:37:58,067
"I gotta show you this article I read."
And she showed me a meme.

800
00:37:58,150 --> 00:38:00,403
[crowd laughing]

801
00:38:04,991 --> 00:38:07,994
-I was like, "Babe, that's a picture."
-[crowd chuckling]

802
00:38:08,786 --> 00:38:11,497
And she goes,
"Not if you're reading between the lines."

803
00:38:11,580 --> 00:38:14,333
-[crowd chuckling]
-[chuckles] Oh fuck…

804
00:38:15,626 --> 00:38:17,712
I'm like, now I gotta get
a new hairdresser,

805
00:38:17,795 --> 00:38:19,088
which is, like, easy.

806
00:38:21,215 --> 00:38:24,218
Or I could pretend to be
in QAnon, which is a lot easier.

807
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:26,053
-[crowd chuckling]
-Okay.

808
00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:29,140
I've talked to a flat-earther before.
You just sit there and go,

809
00:38:29,223 --> 00:38:31,976
"Whoa! That's crazy."

810
00:38:32,059 --> 00:38:33,811
[crowd laughing]

811
00:38:33,894 --> 00:38:35,688
And then it's over, you know.

812
00:38:36,230 --> 00:38:38,649
I think every woman
knows how to do that. Um…

813
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:40,818
[crowd laughing]

814
00:38:40,901 --> 00:38:42,903
[cheers and applause]

815
00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:46,991
So I'm sitting in her chair,
and I'm listening to all this horseshit.

816
00:38:47,074 --> 00:38:50,953
And one of the things
that she really, to her core, believes

817
00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:52,997
is that there's rich people,

818
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:56,834
like a cabal of rich people,
drinking children's blood.

819
00:38:57,501 --> 00:39:01,464
And, um… That's fine,
if you wanna believe that, okay.

820
00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:04,216
I was raised by rich people.

821
00:39:05,384 --> 00:39:07,219
And you sound poor.

822
00:39:07,303 --> 00:39:09,680
[crowd laughing loudly]

823
00:39:13,642 --> 00:39:14,727
[chuckles]

824
00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:17,980
It's not giving wealth… I mean…

825
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:19,523
[crowd chuckling]

826
00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:23,694
If you were raised by rich people,
or anywhere near them, you know…

827
00:39:23,778 --> 00:39:26,781
rich people don't fucking
touch their children.

828
00:39:26,864 --> 00:39:28,866
[crowd laughing]

829
00:39:29,784 --> 00:39:31,035
They're sticky.

830
00:39:33,204 --> 00:39:34,413
Gross.

831
00:39:35,539 --> 00:39:39,168
No, if I'm gonna drink a kid's blood,
I'd have to hold it myself.

832
00:39:39,251 --> 00:39:40,378
Eww!

833
00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:45,299
No, rich people make their kids, and then
they sort of punt you to a Bolivian lady.

834
00:39:45,383 --> 00:39:47,802
And they go, "Don't teach her Spanish."

835
00:39:47,885 --> 00:39:49,845
[crowd laughing]

836
00:39:50,888 --> 00:39:51,889
[chuckles]

837
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:56,394
[chuckles] And then you spend four years
being like, Who's my mom?"

838
00:39:56,477 --> 00:39:58,604
[crowd laughing]

839
00:39:58,687 --> 00:40:02,149
[chuckling] But you're asking in Spanish,
so she never fucking comes.

840
00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:04,235
[crowd laughing]

841
00:40:06,821 --> 00:40:09,949
I am doing things
a little bit differently. Um…

842
00:40:10,032 --> 00:40:11,742
I don't have a Bolivian nanny.

843
00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:13,202
She's Filipina.

844
00:40:13,285 --> 00:40:14,954
[crowd chuckling]

845
00:40:16,247 --> 00:40:17,581
I love her so much.

846
00:40:17,665 --> 00:40:20,626
I am the wife to her
that my husband will never have.

847
00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:22,336
[crowd chuckling]

848
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:24,296
Every day I sit her down, and I go,

849
00:40:24,380 --> 00:40:27,883
"I just want you to know I love you.
You've never made a mistake in your life."

850
00:40:28,676 --> 00:40:32,346
"If you leave me, I'll sell my ass
on the Internet to keep you."

851
00:40:33,764 --> 00:40:34,723
"Okay?"

852
00:40:36,350 --> 00:40:40,396
She is fantastic,
but, uh, she does do one weird thing.

853
00:40:40,896 --> 00:40:42,398
Which is that, uh…

854
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:44,984
She texts us as the baby.

855
00:40:45,067 --> 00:40:47,069
[crowd laughing]

856
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:52,241
I didn't know, okay?

857
00:40:52,741 --> 00:40:55,995
I hired her, went back to work,
my husband and I got a text.

858
00:40:56,078 --> 00:40:57,705
There was no picture attached.

859
00:40:58,372 --> 00:41:01,125
It just said, "I'm up from my nap,
Mommy and Daddy."

860
00:41:01,208 --> 00:41:03,210
[crowd laughing]

861
00:41:06,505 --> 00:41:10,551
And… we need her more than she needs us.

862
00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,471
So I immediately text my husband
on the side,

863
00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:15,306
"I think we gotta 'Yes, and' this."

864
00:41:15,389 --> 00:41:17,266
[crowd laughing]

865
00:41:19,101 --> 00:41:21,854
Okay. So I write back,
"That's good, sweetie."

866
00:41:21,937 --> 00:41:23,397
"Hope you got your rest."

867
00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:26,817
Then my husband was like,
"Did you do number one or number two?"

868
00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:28,402
And I was like…

869
00:41:29,195 --> 00:41:31,572
"That's what you text the dog walker."

870
00:41:33,032 --> 00:41:34,533
I was like, "Okay."

871
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:38,204
But my point is,
this has been going on for 11 months now.

872
00:41:39,205 --> 00:41:42,208
I don't think it'll end
until she sees this special. I…

873
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,627
[crowd laughing]

874
00:41:46,795 --> 00:41:48,255
It feels… [chuckles]

875
00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:53,010
It feels like we hired someone
to cosplay the baby in our marriage.

876
00:41:53,093 --> 00:41:55,095
[crowd chuckling]

877
00:41:56,180 --> 00:41:58,641
But on the bright side,
it does make it really fucking weird

878
00:41:58,724 --> 00:42:01,101
if my husband tries to fuck the nanny. So…

879
00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:03,103
[crowd laughing]

880
00:42:03,187 --> 00:42:04,980
It's kind of genius of her, to be honest.

881
00:42:06,857 --> 00:42:08,025
[splutters]

882
00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:11,570
A couple of my friends were like,
"Hey, are you gonna get a nanny?"

883
00:42:11,654 --> 00:42:13,781
While I was pregnant,
and I was like, "I think so."

884
00:42:13,864 --> 00:42:16,450
And some of them asked me
if I was gonna get a white nanny.

885
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:19,537
And I was like, "Well, that feels like
a weird Google search for me to do."

886
00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:21,622
[crowd laughing]

887
00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:24,792
But also, um, no.

888
00:42:24,875 --> 00:42:27,419
I'm not getting a white nanny.
I was a white nanny.

889
00:42:27,503 --> 00:42:29,171
And, uh, I sucked at it.

890
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:34,385
Okay? White nannies will lose your kid
trying to find themselves.

891
00:42:34,468 --> 00:42:36,470
[crowd chuckling]

892
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:42,142
They also don't have
the restraint of tongue necessary

893
00:42:42,226 --> 00:42:44,270
to be around other people's children.

894
00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:45,688
Okay, I went to pick this…

895
00:42:45,771 --> 00:42:49,024
I was a nanny for this very wealthy family
on the Upper East Side.

896
00:42:49,108 --> 00:42:50,484
I went to pick them up from school.

897
00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:53,404
They wouldn't get on the bus with me
'cause they didn't like my outfit.

898
00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:55,406
[crowd chuckling]

899
00:42:55,489 --> 00:42:57,324
And I told them they should eat makeup

900
00:42:57,408 --> 00:42:59,535
'cause it would make them
pretty on the inside.

901
00:42:59,618 --> 00:43:01,620
[crowd laughing and clapping]

902
00:43:04,915 --> 00:43:07,376
So yeah, I don't have a white nanny. Um…

903
00:43:09,086 --> 00:43:11,672
But, um, I am so grateful every day

904
00:43:11,755 --> 00:43:13,257
that I have my daughter.

905
00:43:13,340 --> 00:43:17,177
And that, uh, she made it possible
for me to no longer be pregnant.

906
00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:18,470
[crowd chuckling]

907
00:43:18,554 --> 00:43:22,057
Because that shit
is a fucking body-horror nightmare.

908
00:43:23,475 --> 00:43:25,311
This is not my favorite way to be.

909
00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:29,648
I know a lot of women who have had like a…
They have a moment, know what I mean?

910
00:43:29,732 --> 00:43:33,819
They're always, like, sort of
cupping their bump by a windowsill.

911
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:35,904
[crowd laughing]

912
00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:39,908
They're having, like,
a body-positivity moment.

913
00:43:39,992 --> 00:43:42,119
That's not what I've been having.

914
00:43:42,202 --> 00:43:44,330
This is the dumbest my body's ever looked.

915
00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:46,707
I just… wanna be clear.

916
00:43:46,790 --> 00:43:47,625
The…

917
00:43:48,208 --> 00:43:51,670
When I'm in the shower,
I just look like a frog standing up. Like…

918
00:43:51,754 --> 00:43:53,756
[crowd chuckling]

919
00:43:57,259 --> 00:44:01,138
Just fucking tiny legs,
and these big clown tits.

920
00:44:03,766 --> 00:44:07,144
And I'd get out of the shower and be like…
[singsong] "It's the WB!"

921
00:44:07,227 --> 00:44:09,229
[crowd laughing and clapping]

922
00:44:12,941 --> 00:44:15,694
My husband was like,
"You gotta stop doing that."

923
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,489
"It's really tough to fuck you."

924
00:44:18,572 --> 00:44:20,658
[crowd laughing]

925
00:44:20,741 --> 00:44:22,743
I was like, "That's the idea."

926
00:44:22,826 --> 00:44:24,870
[crowd laughing]

927
00:44:24,953 --> 00:44:26,664
I hated sex pregnant.

928
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,540
Okay? I do not feel hot.

929
00:44:28,624 --> 00:44:31,710
I've tried fucking my husband
halfway through my pregnancy, and I went,

930
00:44:31,794 --> 00:44:33,671
"You're all over the place. Get out."

931
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:35,464
[crowd chuckling]

932
00:44:35,547 --> 00:44:37,800
Like a traffic cop. I was like…

933
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:41,261
It wasn't even anything he did.
There was too many people inside me.

934
00:44:41,345 --> 00:44:43,347
[crowd chuckling]

935
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:47,518
I was like, "I'm getting gang banged
by my whole family right now."

936
00:44:50,312 --> 00:44:52,147
There's no room at the inn.

937
00:44:55,567 --> 00:44:58,070
I'm a lazy…
I'm a lazy fuck, is what I'm saying.

938
00:44:58,153 --> 00:45:00,155
I'm a very lazy fuck.

939
00:45:02,408 --> 00:45:03,742
Like, I… [sighs]

940
00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:06,370
I stopped sucking dick.

941
00:45:06,453 --> 00:45:08,455
[crowd chuckling]

942
00:45:08,539 --> 00:45:10,541
And, uh… I know, yeah.

943
00:45:11,667 --> 00:45:13,335
I stopped sucking dick
after I got married.

944
00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:15,546
But here's the thing.
He went bald, so we both lied.

945
00:45:15,629 --> 00:45:17,631
[crowd laughing]

946
00:45:21,051 --> 00:45:24,221
I… Here's… Here's why.
I just need to make it clear.

947
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:27,725
Why… I did this… is, um…

948
00:45:27,808 --> 00:45:28,976
I'm not good at it.

949
00:45:29,059 --> 00:45:32,104
-[laughter and cheers]
-I'm not good… Make eye contact with me.

950
00:45:32,187 --> 00:45:34,189
[crowd laughing]

951
00:45:34,857 --> 00:45:36,358
Stop. Don't look at the sign.

952
00:45:36,442 --> 00:45:40,195
-[crowd laughing]
-You have to look at me for the joke.

953
00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:42,281
[laughter continues]

954
00:45:43,615 --> 00:45:45,617
Then you guys can have
an honest conversation later.

955
00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:47,703
[crowd laughing]

956
00:45:48,620 --> 00:45:51,331
Here's the thing. I stopped sucking dick
because I'm not good at it.

957
00:45:51,415 --> 00:45:55,377
And I know how to take a note.
I know… what my skill set is.

958
00:45:55,919 --> 00:45:58,464
All right? Here…
When you're not good at sucking dick,

959
00:45:58,547 --> 00:46:01,341
you don't find out in a real fun way.
You don't… [chuckles]

960
00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:04,636
You know, you don't twist open a Snapple
and find a message on the top.

961
00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:06,513
It's like, "Hang up your jersey!"

962
00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:08,182
-You know.
-[crowd chuckling]

963
00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:11,894
It's an awakening that happens. Um…

964
00:46:11,977 --> 00:46:14,396
So I'll tell you guys
what happened. I was…

965
00:46:14,938 --> 00:46:16,857
sucking a dick. [chuckles]

966
00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:19,610
Surprise twist!

967
00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:22,571
No, I was… It wasn't a dick.
I was sucking my husband's dick.

968
00:46:22,654 --> 00:46:24,615
It was a good Christian dick-sucking.

969
00:46:24,698 --> 00:46:26,992
[crowd chuckling]

970
00:46:27,075 --> 00:46:28,368
Okay? [chuckles]

971
00:46:28,452 --> 00:46:31,955
I was just gobbling
on my husband's cock as God intended.

972
00:46:32,039 --> 00:46:33,040
[crowd laughing]

973
00:46:33,123 --> 00:46:35,083
For the Christians in the audience.

974
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,169
[crowd laughing]

975
00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:39,797
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughing]

976
00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:41,965
And while I'm down there…

977
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:43,759
Okay? In the dark…

978
00:46:44,968 --> 00:46:47,554
doing this unpaid labor…

979
00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:49,598
[crowd chuckling]

980
00:46:50,140 --> 00:46:51,099
[chuckles]

981
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:53,727
…I heard my husband's voice.

982
00:46:54,937 --> 00:46:56,146
And he says to me…

983
00:46:57,481 --> 00:46:58,482
[sucks teeth]

984
00:46:59,149 --> 00:47:01,151
"What's your goal right now?"

985
00:47:01,235 --> 00:47:03,237
[crowd laughing]

986
00:47:13,622 --> 00:47:15,624
I thought God was talking to me.

987
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:17,835
I was like,

988
00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:19,211
"I had goals."

989
00:47:21,213 --> 00:47:23,382
"And none of them ended
with sucking cock."

990
00:47:24,716 --> 00:47:26,343
"So I think I fucked up."

991
00:47:26,969 --> 00:47:29,054
I mean, honestly,
that is the kind of question

992
00:47:29,137 --> 00:47:32,224
you actively avoid asking yourself
when you're sucking a dick.

993
00:47:33,100 --> 00:47:34,726
"What are my goals?"

994
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,023
You don't think…
You don't go there in your head.

995
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:43,569
So when he asked me,
I couldn't get offended. I just answered.

996
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:44,945
[garbled] "I don't know."

997
00:47:45,028 --> 00:47:46,905
[crowd laughing]

998
00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:56,707
"I was just gonna hang out down here."

999
00:47:57,958 --> 00:47:59,585
"Until you set me free."

1000
00:47:59,668 --> 00:48:00,711
[chuckles]

1001
00:48:00,794 --> 00:48:01,795
[spits]

1002
00:48:03,630 --> 00:48:05,215
"I don't wanna be here. Haha!"

1003
00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:07,885
[crowd chuckling]

1004
00:48:07,968 --> 00:48:10,846
I've never wanted to be here
a day in my life.

1005
00:48:11,930 --> 00:48:13,181
Actually…

1006
00:48:13,265 --> 00:48:15,475
Yeah, this is a favor. I don't…

1007
00:48:17,352 --> 00:48:20,230
I've never been
in the mood to suck a dick.

1008
00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:21,857
[crowd chuckling]

1009
00:48:21,940 --> 00:48:25,986
No woman ever has had,
like, a hard day at work…

1010
00:48:28,864 --> 00:48:30,574
and on her way home been like,

1011
00:48:30,657 --> 00:48:33,118
"God, you know what I could go for?"

1012
00:48:33,201 --> 00:48:35,203
[crowd laughing]

1013
00:48:37,623 --> 00:48:39,541
"What would really take the edge off?"

1014
00:48:39,625 --> 00:48:41,251
[crowd chuckling]

1015
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:44,796
"Just, like, a warm teaspoon
of cum in my eye."

1016
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:46,465
[crowd laughing]

1017
00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:50,010
"Yeah, if I could just go half-blind
for the week, that'd be nice."

1018
00:48:50,093 --> 00:48:52,095
[crowd chuckling]

1019
00:48:53,597 --> 00:48:55,682
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I'm not a monster.

1020
00:48:55,766 --> 00:48:59,227
Like, I'll do it if I owe you an apology
and I don't wanna say sorry.

1021
00:48:59,311 --> 00:49:01,313
[crowd laughing]

1022
00:49:02,022 --> 00:49:02,940
That's…

1023
00:49:04,024 --> 00:49:06,234
[chuckles] But that's not even selfless.

1024
00:49:06,318 --> 00:49:09,196
'Cause it's like, that's the only thing
that tastes worse than cum,

1025
00:49:09,279 --> 00:49:11,490
is the words "I was wrong"
coming out of my mouth.

1026
00:49:11,573 --> 00:49:12,574
I'm like… [gags]

1027
00:49:14,117 --> 00:49:15,202
[retches]

1028
00:49:15,869 --> 00:49:18,163
You wanna see me actually gag. Ugh…

1029
00:49:19,790 --> 00:49:21,208
So I just stopped, know what I mean?

1030
00:49:21,291 --> 00:49:24,586
Because there's women that are really good
at sucking dick, and it's a craft.

1031
00:49:25,170 --> 00:49:27,881
And they're good at it
because they get paid.

1032
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:29,967
[crowd chuckling]

1033
00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:32,469
You've seen them, right?
I mean, they're in there.

1034
00:49:32,552 --> 00:49:34,221
Two-handed, just fucking…

1035
00:49:35,097 --> 00:49:37,599
They're like washing machines.
Just fucking, just…

1036
00:49:38,725 --> 00:49:42,145
They're tickling balls, touching nipples,
and cracking open a beer,

1037
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,147
and rubbing shoul… I'm like, how many…

1038
00:49:45,023 --> 00:49:46,817
How many arms do you fucking have?

1039
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:48,318
[crowd laughing]

1040
00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:50,404
It's like watching a cartoon fight.

1041
00:49:50,487 --> 00:49:52,489
[crowd chuckling]

1042
00:49:53,615 --> 00:49:54,783
[scoffs]

1043
00:49:54,866 --> 00:49:57,077
I need my arms. I'm not Ganesh, okay?

1044
00:49:57,160 --> 00:49:59,079
I need… my arms.

1045
00:49:59,162 --> 00:50:02,708
I have to kickstand my whole body up
when I'm sucking a dick.

1046
00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:04,793
[crowd chuckling]

1047
00:50:06,086 --> 00:50:08,255
I'm using all my traps strength.

1048
00:50:09,131 --> 00:50:13,844
I'm not multitasking, just pumping
my whole upper body with just my neck.

1049
00:50:13,927 --> 00:50:15,846
Like some kind of dick-sucking cobra.

1050
00:50:15,929 --> 00:50:16,847
I can't…

1051
00:50:16,930 --> 00:50:18,640
[crowd laughing]

1052
00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:19,766
No!

1053
00:50:20,392 --> 00:50:22,602
[chuckles] Matter of fact, I feel like

1054
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:26,440
if you need somebody to suck your dick
with that level of neck strength…

1055
00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:29,026
call a man.

1056
00:50:29,109 --> 00:50:30,861
[loud laughter and cheers]

1057
00:50:30,944 --> 00:50:32,654
-[loud whooping]
-Yes.

1058
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:35,240
That's a man's job.

1059
00:50:36,408 --> 00:50:37,284
[chuckles]

1060
00:50:37,367 --> 00:50:40,328
It's like installing an AC unit.
"Get a Taskrabbit in here."

1061
00:50:40,412 --> 00:50:42,205
"I'm not doing that shit myself."

1062
00:50:42,289 --> 00:50:44,416
[crowd chuckling]

1063
00:50:44,499 --> 00:50:48,295
You know what I should've done as much
research on as I did for sucking dick

1064
00:50:48,378 --> 00:50:50,297
is, um, giving birth.

1065
00:50:51,173 --> 00:50:52,215
I should've done…

1066
00:50:52,299 --> 00:50:55,469
Maybe read one fucking book… about that.

1067
00:50:55,552 --> 00:50:58,972
I just combed a Reddit thread
and was like, "I think we're set."

1068
00:50:59,056 --> 00:51:01,058
[crowd chuckling]

1069
00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:05,062
So it kind of took me aback
when I walked into the doctor's office,

1070
00:51:05,145 --> 00:51:07,147
and he was like, "What's your birth plan?"

1071
00:51:07,230 --> 00:51:09,858
And I was like,
"Oh, it was just to have you deliver…

1072
00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:11,943
the baby."

1073
00:51:13,445 --> 00:51:15,614
I'm like,
"Why am I a fucking part of this?"

1074
00:51:16,198 --> 00:51:20,410
Know what I mean? Only in women's medicine
does a surgeon walk in the room,

1075
00:51:20,494 --> 00:51:22,537
and go, "So how do you wanna play this?"

1076
00:51:22,621 --> 00:51:24,623
[crowd laughing]

1077
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:28,418
"Did you do your fucking homework?"

1078
00:51:28,502 --> 00:51:30,796
"What does your 12 years
of medical school tell you to do?"

1079
00:51:30,879 --> 00:51:32,130
"Let's play it that way."

1080
00:51:32,672 --> 00:51:33,673
"Asshole."

1081
00:51:33,757 --> 00:51:35,175
[crowd chuckling]

1082
00:51:36,551 --> 00:51:38,887
So I had to… I had to pick a birth plan,

1083
00:51:38,970 --> 00:51:41,515
which is a lot like
designing your own car crash.

1084
00:51:41,598 --> 00:51:43,892
[crowd chuckling]

1085
00:51:43,975 --> 00:51:46,645
And they ask you all kinds
of dumb fucking questions.

1086
00:51:46,728 --> 00:51:49,272
They were like,
"Do you want us to dim the lights?"

1087
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:51,233
"Do you have a birth playlist?"

1088
00:51:51,733 --> 00:51:54,277
I was like, "No, I'm not gonna fuck you.
I want you to…"

1089
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:56,071
[crowd laughing]

1090
00:51:56,154 --> 00:51:57,739
"…deliver the child."

1091
00:51:57,823 --> 00:51:59,825
[crowd chuckling]

1092
00:51:59,908 --> 00:52:02,994
My doctor goes, "Would you like
to be present for the birth?"

1093
00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:05,080
[crowd laughing]

1094
00:52:10,293 --> 00:52:11,336
"Can I skip it?"

1095
00:52:11,419 --> 00:52:12,671
[crowd laughs]

1096
00:52:12,754 --> 00:52:14,923
"I'll fucking skip it
if that's an option."

1097
00:52:15,465 --> 00:52:19,344
He goes, "That's my way of asking if you'd
like to be medicated or unmedicated."

1098
00:52:20,387 --> 00:52:21,638
"Well, say that."

1099
00:52:21,721 --> 00:52:23,140
[crowd chuckling]

1100
00:52:23,223 --> 00:52:25,350
"Okay, we're in a hospital,
not the woods."

1101
00:52:25,433 --> 00:52:27,435
[crowd laughing]

1102
00:52:29,980 --> 00:52:31,606
"And to answer your question,

1103
00:52:31,690 --> 00:52:33,233
for sure, medicated."

1104
00:52:34,067 --> 00:52:36,069
"Are people doing that? Like, what?"

1105
00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:37,487
"I want medication."

1106
00:52:37,571 --> 00:52:40,282
"I want all the drugs
you have in the drawers."

1107
00:52:40,365 --> 00:52:42,576
"And I want you to let me down real slow."

1108
00:52:43,618 --> 00:52:45,036
"So I can feel it."

1109
00:52:45,120 --> 00:52:46,288
[crowd laughing]

1110
00:52:46,371 --> 00:52:47,831
"I wanna have some fun."

1111
00:52:48,790 --> 00:52:50,542
"It's been a long nine months."

1112
00:52:51,168 --> 00:52:52,377
[laughs] Okay?

1113
00:52:52,460 --> 00:52:53,753
I'm like, "How about this?"

1114
00:52:53,837 --> 00:52:56,756
"How about you give me a C-section?
Do me a favor. Put me out."

1115
00:52:56,840 --> 00:53:00,093
"Throw that sheet up, and wake me up
with the world's bloodiest puppet show."

1116
00:53:00,177 --> 00:53:01,178
"How's that sound?"

1117
00:53:01,261 --> 00:53:03,221
[crowd laughing and clapping]

1118
00:53:04,347 --> 00:53:05,932
"Let's make that the plan."

1119
00:53:06,892 --> 00:53:09,769
"Just tug on the cord and go,
'Look what Mommy made.'"

1120
00:53:09,853 --> 00:53:11,855
[crowd laughing]

1121
00:53:16,067 --> 00:53:17,861
And I have to say, I did…

1122
00:53:17,944 --> 00:53:20,947
I wrote that joke
before I had a C-section. And…

1123
00:53:22,407 --> 00:53:24,492
It is the most accurate thing I've ever…

1124
00:53:24,576 --> 00:53:26,161
[crowd laughing]

1125
00:53:26,244 --> 00:53:29,247
It ruined the first moment
that I looked at my daughter.

1126
00:53:29,873 --> 00:53:31,416
I saw her big, beautiful eyes,

1127
00:53:31,499 --> 00:53:33,627
and I just went…
"Aw, fuck, I nailed that."

1128
00:53:33,710 --> 00:53:35,003
[crowd laughing]

1129
00:53:35,086 --> 00:53:36,421
[cheers and applause]

1130
00:53:36,504 --> 00:53:39,174
They presented her to me, you guys…

1131
00:53:39,257 --> 00:53:42,469
They presented her to me
like the grossest bottle of wine.

1132
00:53:42,552 --> 00:53:43,845
They were like…

1133
00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:45,931
[crowd laughing]

1134
00:53:46,014 --> 00:53:48,016
[crowd clapping]

1135
00:53:48,767 --> 00:53:50,393
[crowd cheering]

1136
00:53:51,353 --> 00:53:53,813
I was like, "No, thanks. I'm sober." Um…

1137
00:53:53,897 --> 00:53:56,983
You guys have been an amazing crowd.
I love you.

1138
00:53:57,067 --> 00:53:58,610
Thank you so much.

1139
00:53:58,693 --> 00:54:00,362
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

1140
00:54:00,445 --> 00:54:02,489
-Oh my God.
-[cheers and applause]

1141
00:54:02,572 --> 00:54:03,990
Thank you, thank you.

1142
00:54:04,074 --> 00:54:06,076
["Never Been Small" by Jennarie plays]

1143
00:54:07,202 --> 00:54:10,247
[cheers and applause continue]

1144
00:54:11,831 --> 00:54:14,334
♪ I have never been small ♪

1145
00:54:16,044 --> 00:54:18,755
♪ I have never been thin ♪

1146
00:54:19,965 --> 00:54:22,676
♪ I'm almost six feet tall ♪

1147
00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:27,681
♪ So tall I stretched my skin ♪

1148
00:54:28,306 --> 00:54:31,977
♪ I've got stories I could tell ♪

1149
00:54:32,060 --> 00:54:33,144
♪ Are you listening? ♪

1150
00:54:33,228 --> 00:54:36,022
♪ Years I was unwell ♪

1151
00:54:36,106 --> 00:54:37,565
♪ Crippling ♪

1152
00:54:37,649 --> 00:54:40,026
♪ Now I've built this shell ♪

1153
00:54:40,610 --> 00:54:42,362
♪ Distancing myself ♪

1154
00:54:42,445 --> 00:54:45,699
♪ From the outside ♪

1155
00:54:46,741 --> 00:54:48,201
♪ And I'm alive… ♪

1156
00:54:48,285 --> 00:54:50,287
[vocalizing]

1157
00:54:50,370 --> 00:54:51,621
[song fades out]