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["Never Been Small" by Jennarie playing]
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♪ I will always be loud ♪
♪ I have always been free… ♪
[emcee] Please, everybody, put your hands together for the amazing Rosebud Baker!
♪ And I will always be me ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ And I'm alive… ♪
Thank you, guys.
[cheers and applause continue]
Thank you.
♪ And I'm alive… ♪
Okay!
[man whooping]
Thank you so much. Wow.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh wow, that stopped abruptly.
[crowd laughing]
I am stoked to be here.
I'm psyched to be out of my house.
I, uh… I had a baby 11 months ago.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you. Yeah.
[crowd laughing]
No. I am eight months pregnant!
Take it in. [chuckles]
Just take it in, and then ignore it.
'Cause… I'm not keeping it.
Ha!
-[crowd laughs] -[light clapping]
Just trying to quit smoking, you guys.
It's tough.
But yeah, how many of you guys are child-free in the audience?
Child-free people here.
[loud cheering]
Hell yeah.
Yeah, it's like the fucking DNC in here.
-That's… amazing. -[crowd laughing]
I can't believe I was one of you.
-Um… -[crowd chuckling]
It's crazy, I… I really didn't want kids.
Uh, and then I looked around and I saw how much fun
all my friends without kids were having,
and I said, "That's not for me."
[crowd laughing]
You know what I'm saying? I don't… I guess…
Child-free people, you guys are out here, you're evolving.
You're, like, fucking climbing mountains.
You're kayaking, reading books,
doing butt stuff.
[crowd laughing]
Pass.
[crowd laughing]
Yeah, I'm not trying to evolve.
I'm not trying to strive for excellence, actually.
I'm just… I wanna decay.
[crowd chuckling]
I just wanna decay in my house.
And so I had a kid, and… so far so good.
[crowd laughing]
Yeah, I was so positive I didn't want kids,
and then everything changed.
And the first thing that happened was that I got married during the pandemic,
which is a little bit like freeing Britney.
[crowd chuckling]
felt like a good idea at the time.
[crowd laughing]
-[woman whoops] -[laughter continues]
I feel like if we all check in, we're like, "Maybe we rushed things."
But we're stickin' with it.
And there wasn't a whole lot to do
as a newly married couple during the pandemic.
You know, so we fucked a lot.
'Cause I'm… I was too embarrassed to dance on TikTok.
[crowd laughing]
I could be a fucking millionaire by now.
But I fucked my husband like an idiot.
And I got pregnant. And I was like, "Okay, well, we don't want kids."
"But we're married, so I guess we gotta keep this one."
[crowd chuckling]
[chuckles]
There's no rule or anything,
but I feel like at a certain stage of life…
Like, Planned Parenthood,
it feels a little like Coachella.
[crowd laughing]
Like, I got a right to be there, but I've aged out, and…
[crowd laughing]
You know what I'm saying? I don't like the crowds.
I was like, "All right."
I guess I'm gonna be a mom, you know.
And I didn't know what kind of mom I'd be.
I've been an angry bar clown my entire adult life.
-[man] Yes! -[clapping]
-So… -[whooping]
Yeah, fun unless you're my kid.
Um…
I'm just like, it's not the most nurturing position to be in.
But then I realized, well, I could be a cold mother.
[crowd laughing]
Just like a frigid bitch that
won't read you a bedtime story, but I'll fight the bullies myself.
You know what I mean? My kid comes home crying.
I run to the playground, dump Timmy's snacks on his head.
Just fight his mom too.
Just… lay that bitch out.
You know? I was like, "Okay. I know what kind of mom I'll be."
And then finally, once I decided what kind of mother I was gonna be,
I kind of could picture it, and then my husband and I got hit with a curveball,
which is that we lost the pregnancy.
-[sad crowd reactions] -Which is tough, yeah.
But you know, God never gives you more than you can handle. And, uh…
[crowd laughing]
I guess… [chuckles]
I guess I'd had enough abortions where He was like, "This one's on the house."
[crowd laughing]
I dodged it, you know?
Got a freebie.
[chuckles] Now… Yeah, it's rough.
It's tough for anybody to lose a pregnancy.
But we're two comics, and so, we do pride ourselves on our delivery.
-Um… -[crowd laughing]
-So… -[crowd cheering]
A little tougher
for us.
[chuckling] No, but it taught me a really valuable lesson 'cause I was like, "Okay…"
See, I never wanted kids until kids started playing hard to get.
[crowd laughing]
I was like, "Oh, okay, if you're gonna ghost me…"
[crowd laughing]
"…now I'm fucking into it."
[crowd laughing]
I love an emotionally unavailable baby. That's hot.
[crowd laughing]
Just in it for the chase.
And I made a rookie mistake.
The second I found out I was pregnant, I told everybody I knew.
Which is, you know, I thought you had to.
I went around to all my friends individually,
and I was like, "Goodbye."
[crowd chuckling]
This was fun.
You know, but then I had to give them the news that we'd had a miscarriage.
And nobody talks about miscarriages, so it was tough to give them that news.
And I guess they don't make cards for it
'cause Hallmark doesn't think there's a market for that.
-Whatever. -[crowd laughing]
I think you could. Honestly, I think you could make miscarriage cards.
You put a baby on the front, you open it up, it just goes, "Psych!"
[crowd laughing]
♪ Can't touch this Dah-nah-nah-nah ♪
[chuckles] You know.
Keep it fun.
So I had to tell all my friends.
And they didn't know what to do. They didn't know what to say.
You know, they tried their best. We got a lot of plants.
[crowd chuckling]
A lot of plants.
Um… a little tone-deaf, I would say.
You know, plants for a miscarriage.
Nobody meant it this way, but the subtext is like…
-"Why don't you practice on this?" -[crowd laughing]
"Try growing something outside of your body first."
[chuckles]
Everybody always gets sad at that part. Um…
[crowd chuckling]
[chuckles] But my husband was like, "What do you wanna do, babe?"
"Do you wanna try again?"
"Would you like to, you know, pause on all this?"
And I was like, "Well, you know, we've got these plans to focus on."
"So let's be responsible."
But we kept getting asked the question.
I think all child-free people get asked this question, like,
"Do you guys want kids?"
"When are you gonna have babies? What about babies?"
And, finally, it felt like JD Vance at my door every fucking day.
Like, "When ya having kids?!"
[crowd chuckling]
So finally, I was like, "Let's do IVF." You know what I mean?
Let's freeze our embryos, take the pressure off ourselves.
Then when people get nosy and they go, "Do you want kids?"
I can be like, "Actually, we had kids."
"Um, they live in a freezer in Midtown."
[crowd laughing]
"And if you don't mind your business, I'll feed them to the dog."
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
It's a joke for my mother-in-law. Um…
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
Anyways, I just wanna say to anybody that's been through IVF,
it is a brutal, brutal process
for women.
[sighs]
Men, I can't stress this enough.
You're fucking useless.
-[crowd chuckling] -[light clapping]
Sure, cum in a cup like the heroes you are.
[crowd laughing]
But, oh my God, if there's one thing that I've learned from pregnancy,
from IVF, it's that you guys are absolute…
Looking at my husband's useless head
fills me with rage that I can't describe.
[two women cheer]
And he loves it.
He loves to see me weakened by his sperm.
-Do you understand? -[crowd chuckling]
Every favor, it's like, "Do you want some water?"
I'm like, "Oh, you'd fucking love it if I needed water!"
"I got it!"
[huffs]
That joke always gives me a hot flash.
Anyway.
So I went through this whole process, right?
And… and it was brutal.
It was like the most money that I've ever spent on drugs.
[sighs] And none of them got me high.
Um, until the end,
where they do the surgery where they take out your eggs,
and they let you do fentanyl.
[exhales deeply]
[crowd chuckling]
And I just wanna say,
I'm thinking about doing another round.
[crowd laughing]
[sucks teeth] Yeah.
They say when you have kids,
you'll experience a love you've never known.
Those people have not tried fentanyl.
[crowd laughing]
My husband walked in the room after that surgery.
I went, "Shh. I'm listening to Drake."
[crowd laughing]
There was no music on.
[crowd laughing]
It was just me taking a bath with God.
Listening to Drake, apparently.
And I'm glad they gave it to me. I'm glad that they allowed me to do that.
Because, honestly, it's a lot, you know?
You have to go through two weeks, you give yourself shots.
Uh, you have to fucking get your blood drawn every other day.
You go through these crazy hormonal ups and downs.
Then you go in for the surgery.
They take a needle, they put it through your fucking tubes.
And the whole time I'm doing this,
my husband's in the next room,
just jerking off in a doctor's office…
[crowd laughing]
Doing the real heavy lifting.
I'm like, "You better give me fentanyl. Okay."
If I'm going through a surgery to give us a child,
and you're next door just, like, shooting ropes to another woman…
Just… furiously, just…
I'll f… I'll fucking kill you myself.
[crowd laughing]
He should have to jerk off to me getting the surgery.
[crowd laughing]
[cheers and applause]
[chuckles]
-He… [chuckles] -[woman laughs hard]
He should be in the corner of the room like me with that IVF needle,
like, "I can't do this!"
[crowd laughing]
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughing]
We both have to walk away a little scarred.
Okay? We gotta sacrifice something.
But, so we went through this whole thing, we finished up IVF.
And I'm gonna sound like Trump right now, but we did big numbers, okay?
[crowd laughing]
Yeah. Huge.
And, um…
And I didn't know this, but during IVF, they grade your embryos.
They pull all your best stuff, they put 'em together.
And they make your own little team of Avengers.
So we had these perfect embryos,
and $20,000 later,
my husband and I finally got pregnant,
raw-doggin' it while I had COVID.
[crowd laughing]
[laughter continues]
[scattered applause]
So this is not gonna be our best work is what I'm saying.
-[huffs] -[crowd laughing]
She's a little dumb, but she's strong. Know what I mean?
She's a survivor.
And I gotta… [chuckles]
I gotta tell you guys, you know, she's fucking huge.
I mean…
I was like, "I'm never gonna comment on my baby's body."
Then I had a newborn the size of a fucking cocker spaniel.
[crowd laughing]
We hug… it looks like two adults hugging.
I turn around, you're like, "Oh, I thought that was a bald man."
"I thought you married for money."
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
It's crazy too. I honestly…
I'm so surprised by how much I love this kid.
You know? I mean, don't get me wrong. I knew I was gonna love her.
But I didn't know it was gonna be like this.
Because I didn't always wanna be a mom.
I guess I thought that loving your kid this much was for people
whose, like, dreams had gone away.
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles] Put it this way. Whenever I'd talk to somebody,
and they were like, "The day I had my kid,
the rest of my life just didn't matter as much."
I'd be like, "Well, yeah, you were a gym teacher."
[crowd laughing]
"I'm not a fucking loser."
[crowd chuckling]
"I had a cool life, okay?"
But it's true. I am a loser. I am a loser for this kid.
There is like nothing new you can say about parenthood
because every cliché is just true.
Except for this one.
Parents used to say this to me.
"I didn't even understand what love was until I had a baby."
And that is horseshit.
Okay? 'Cause the way I feel about my kid, it's not love.
It's a brand-new emotion
that I don't have a name for.
But it's a lot scarier than love.
Like, I love my husband. Love him.
I would never put my nose in his ass
to check if it's just a fart.
[crowd laughing]
[laughter and clapping]
Not for the money he's making right now anyway.
[crowd laughing]
There's no fucking way.
Gonna have to jump up a couple tax brackets.
But it is, it's wild, 'cause I didn't feel like this right away.
Um, I'm glad I got here, but it wasn't like this off the bat.
You know, I had her.
And immediately I was like, "Well, this is boring as fuck."
Like I would've died for her, but I couldn't tell you why
'cause she wasn't bringing much to the table.
Okay, I didn't know, like, human babies, they don't come out… cooked.
She wasn't premature. She just wasn't online.
[crowd chuckling]
And I was like, "All right. Well, this sucks," you know.
All they do is shit and eat, and I'm like, "This is like having a pet turtle."
[crowd chuckling]
I could've gone to Petco. Um…
My friend calls, one of my best friends, and she goes,
"Hey, Mama."
"Hey, Mommy." They all talk to you like you've had a traumatic brain injury.
All your… your best friends. "Hey, Mama."
Just makes you wanna grab a "live, laugh, love" pillow
and fucking end it.
[crowd laughing]
[chuckling] I was like…
So she goes, "How's mommyhood, Mama?"
[crowd chuckling]
I was like, "I think I may have fucked up my life."
"In a pretty irreversible way."
[crowd chuckling]
When she goes, "Well, maybe it's postpartum depression."
[man exclaims]
And I was like, "I don't wanna kill it."
[crowd laughing]
"It's just not really a newborn person, you know?"
I was kinda hoping for a little more action. I just…
I was hoping for a giraffe birth, where you pop it out, you watch it run.
[crowd laughing]
It's exciting.
You know, this sucked.
I kept doing shit with her before she was ready.
She was eight weeks old, and I took her to the playground.
[crowd chuckling]
I looked like I was taking a corpse down the slide.
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
People were looking at me like I'd lost my child and wouldn't accept it.
They were shuffling their kids off the playground.
While I Weekend at Bernie's'd my newborn at the hopscotch.
She's like…
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
I don't know if I had postpartum depression, honestly.
I could've written "I have a gun" on one of those screening things,
and the doctors would've been like, "All right. You look good."
My husband, uh…
My husband actually got postpartum anxiety,
which is… a woman's disease.
[crowd laughing]
Very supportive… of him.
[crowd chuckling]
I mean, I didn't know that men could get postpartum anxiety and depression.
But they… Actually, they can get it
if they voted for Bernie.
[crowd laughing and jeering]
So I knew something was off right away, 'cause we got home from the hospital,
and he was rushing in to see if she was still breathing, every five seconds.
He was like, "Is she breathing?"
And before we knew it was anxiety, and because he's a man,
it… it pissed me off.
[crowd chuckling]
It… It just felt like he was checking my work.
[crowd laughing]
I was like, "I just made her."
Um…
"Out of your jizz, by the way."
"You know that useless goo you shot out of your dick?"
"I put a head and ears on that."
[crowd laughing]
"Just 3D printed a perfect human being out of that garbage."
"And you've got the nerve to come in like it's a group project."
I'm like, "She's done, babe."
"She's finished, you know?"
It made me miss the fucking '60s.
I was like, "Go smoke cigarettes and cheat on me like a normal man."
[crowd laughing]
"You'll meet her when she's 18."
[crowd laughing]
No, uh… it is. It's tough to respect a man after you have a baby.
[cheers and laughter]
-It is. -[crowd whooping]
It's tough.
It's tough to respect them 'cause you realize…
If you're married with a kid, you realize, "Oh, I had a baby all along."
And now…
[crowd laughing]
…he's feeling neglected.
[crowd chuckling]
[chuckles] We got home from the hospital,
my husband was like, "My tummy hurts."
[crowd laughing]
"I need to lie down."
I was like, "I don't give a fuck about your stomach."
[crowd chuckling]
"You're a farmhand now."
[crowd laughing]
I shouldn't… I feel bad making fun of him.
'Cause honestly, my husband is way hotter to me since we had a kid.
And he's a great dad, but that is not why.
It's that he fucked me so hard, he ruined my life.
[crowd laughing]
That's impressive 'cause there's a lot of men that talk a lot of game.
They're like, "I'm gonna destroy that pussy."
This gentlehearted man…
[crowd chuckling]
…fucked me so hard, I gained 70 pounds.
[crowd laughing]
That's a real dick.
[crowd laughing]
Okay, that's a dick that makes you sign up for life insurance.
[crowd chuckling]
Okay? It's tough. And he's backed me up. He's backed me up through everything.
Like, he had my back when I chose not to breastfeed.
Which is crazy, because perfect strangers have very strong opinions about that.
[crowd laughing]
They're like, "Why wouldn't you breastfeed?"
I'm like, "It's none of your business, but if you have to know,
it's 'cause we're raising her autistic."
[crowd laughing]
[audience clapping]
Yeah.
She's formula fed. She's got all her vaccines.
[laughter continues]
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
Yeah, she's gonna know her way around a map.
[crowd laughing]
Don't come for me when my kid lays your kid out
in the fucking spelling bee. Okay?
No, the real reason I didn't breastfeed was because I had to go back to work.
And so I walked into the hospital, and I told them, I was like,
"Hey, I'm not breastfeeding, so you can tell that lactation twat to skip my room."
[crowd laughing]
Which… That is not the job title,
but it is the personality the job attracts.
[crowd laughing]
They send these women into your room every day in the hospital
with these fucking Scientology smiles.
[crowd chuckling]
They're like, "Hey, Mama."
[crowd chuckling]
"Need some help breastfeeding, Mama?"
Then they just press on your tits until they cry, and, um…
So I was like, every day they'd come into my room,
and be like, "Hey, do you need…" I was like, "No, I said no. I said no."
And then, finally, I called my sister who's a nurse.
And I was like, "I think this hospital is haunted."
[crowd laughing]
"What the fuck do I do?" And she goes, "Oh no."
She told me that hospitals actually get accreditation points,
the more people that leave having breastfed.
Um… which is crazy to me.
I guess they're all, like, playing a video game against each other.
And, like… whoever gets the most tits to latch
gets, like, new cow-print smocks?
I don't know.
[crowd chuckling]
You can… [chuckles]
You can call me old-fashioned, but I really don't think that nurses
should need the same motivation as a liquor rep.
[crowd laughing]
So finally, I was like, "I don't think they're gonna let me leave."
"So I'm gonna fake it."
And I was like, "Send in the titty tutor."
[crowd chuckling]
In this capitalist pig nurse comes in.
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
And she's like, "You need some help?"
So I'm… So I'm just hovering my baby's face over my tit, right?
Just, like, miming breastfeeding.
I'm just like, "Oh, shoot."
[sucks teeth]
[laughter slowly builds]
"Looks like she's not gonna latch."
"I guess I should just forgive myself."
[crowd laughing]
I'm just using twat language to…
Guess I shouldn't internalize it.
And I should… should forgive my body.
She's like, "No, she's latched!"
And I'm like, "Oh fuck!" And I just try
batting her face off my tit.
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
Like chasing orphans away from a bakery window.
[crowd laughing]
Shoo!
I am very excited, though. We're having a girl.
-Um… thank you. -[cheers and applause]
Yeah, that's really exciting.
Just to be clear, I don't care what her pronouns are.
I just want her to identify as a huge cunt.
That's all I care about.
[crowd laughing]
That is how I'm raising her.
[audience clapping]
She's gonna have my attitude,
and she's gonna have a dad she's not afraid of.
And that's a brutal…
brutal combo for a white lady.
-[loud whooping] -Okay. [chuckles]
-Yeah. -[crowd clapping]
Yeah, she's gonna send back a lot of salads.
It's gonna be rough.
[light laughter]
So, it is very isolating, having a kid.
I wasn't expecting that. I didn't expect it to be this lonely.
And I've heard that it was lonely, but I didn't expect it like this.
Nobody has kids in New York. Let's be honest. It's frowned upon.
People treat kids in New York like they're an endangered species.
They're like, "We have to protect them."
But you bring one in the restaurant, they're like, "It should be in a cage!"
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
At this point, I feel like having a kid in New York
is like being gay in New York in the '50s. Like…
You gotta hang out with people like you, and you gotta meet them in the park.
[laughter and applause]
-[chuckles] -[crowd cheering and clapping]
It's rough. It's rough.
And I had fucking… I had a real identity crisis from it.
You know, I went back to work six weeks later.
My friend comes up to me like, "What are you doing over the weekend?"
And then he goes, "Oh, you're a mom." And he fucking ran.
Like it was his baby. He just ran away.
I wanted to be like, "Listen, you little fuck."
"My life's not over, okay? It's just worse right now."
[crowd laughing]
"I'll be back."
But as the months have gone on,
I realize there's something really genuinely very freeing
about losing your identity, you know?
Truly.
I used to be so invested in my little fucking personality
and my online persona.
And my opinions.
And now it's like, you can't even piss me off.
'Cause I don't know who the fuck I am.
[crowd laughing]
[scattered applause]
You ask anybody who's been a victim of identity theft,
once that initial panic subsides,
you're like, "I could do fucking anything right now."
[crowd chuckling]
I haven't been in one Internet fight all year.
Which I think means I beat it. I do think that means I beat the Internet.
October 3rd, my daughter was born.
October 7th, Hamas attacks Israel.
I had no fucking clue.
[crowd chuckling]
I posted a picture of my baby.
[crowd laughing]
Somebody wrote, "Release the hostages."
[crowd laughing]
And I thought they were talking about me.
[crowd laughing loudly]
I wrote, "LOL, I know, right?"
[laughter and clapping]
I mean, God Almighty, that's…
They call it brain fog, honestly, which…
That's the medical term for stupid. Um…
I don't think I've gotten dumber.
I think my brain got too crowded when I had a kid.
It's just everything's overstimulating. I don't wanna make a single decision.
Now I just watch cult documentaries, like, aspirationally.
[crowd laughing]
Sit back at the end of the day, like, "Oh not to make a single fucking choice…"
All they gotta do… It's like, linen every day. Free child care.
And all you gotta do is fuck an ugly public speaker once a month.
-I mean… -[crowd chuckling]
Sign me up.
I'm married to a comic. I'm kind of doing that anyway.
[crowd exclaiming]
Just kidding. He's hot. He's hot, though.
Um… It did piss me off, though,
'cause my husband didn't have any of this identity shit.
He just breezed into fatherhood with, like, all of his, like…
He had his New Balances.
-[crowd laughing] -His shirts… are all a little too short.
It's like he's always rattling off facts that nobody gives a shit about.
And that is what dads do.
Every dad is playing a one-man game of Jeopardy!
[crowd laughs]
At all times.
I was walking in a grocery store last week.
He's like, "Hey, babe. You wanna know how a cactus drinks water?"
[crowd chuckling]
I was like, "I'd rather fuck a kangaroo, actually…
than hear the rest of that."
He's also constantly looking at a map of a place
that we are not going, and that we've never been to.
The other night he was laying next to me, it's four in the morning,
I see the light of his phone, I'm like, "Are you cheating?" I look over…
He's taking a Google walk around Romania.
[crowd laughing and clapping]
I was like, "I think that's worse."
[crowd chuckling]
Just looking at a place far away from me.
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
But like I knew that he was gonna be a good dad.
I knew right away, 'cause he had a better upbringing than me.
He was raised in Seattle by his mom and his two gay uncles.
Um, and they all… they all have the same haircut.
Everybody…
[crowd chuckling]
They just fucking built wind chimes together.
'Cause that's what you do in Seattle. You just do rehab activities.
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles] Just go on long hikes,
fucking build birdhouses.
But yeah, so I knew he was gonna be a good dad.
I had a bit of a different upbringing. I was raised by Republicans in Texas.
Different vibe.
[crowd chuckling]
Okay? Um, like, here's one difference.
My husband got swim lessons as a kid.
I got a swim lesson as a kid.
A Republican swim lesson is when your dad just fucking footballs you into the water.
And when you think you're about to breathe your last breath, he jumps in and goes,
"You're lucky I saved your life."
[crowd laughing]
And you walk around being like, "He's a hero!"
[crowd chuckling]
"He's mean sometimes, but he saved my life."
Okay? My dad had five daughters.
That's not because he loves women.
Um, that's how many times he was trying for a boy.
I have the only old-school, conservative dad
who would be thrilled if I transitioned.
[crowd laughing]
[clapping and cheering]
"We'll buy you a stopwatch."
[crowd laughing]
But so my dad, when he wanted to bond with me, right,
he would take me hunting, as a little girl,
because I loved animals.
[crowd exclaiming in shock]
And if I got upset, he'd go, "Ah!" And he'd… [mimics gunshot]
…like, shoot a bird out of the sky and let me fetch it.
To cheer me up, you guys.
[crowd chuckling]
So while my husband's in Seattle, like, painting his face and eating crayons…
[crowd laughing]
…looking like Sia's first album cover, like…
[crowd laughing]
…I'm doing field-dog work like a beagle in the woods.
All right?
And that… you know, I've learned a lot about my parents.
I really… this year…
When you have a kid, you just start to… Like, everything opens up.
I was in the hospital, and I'm sitting next to my mother,
and I go, "Hey."
I'm like… had just given birth.
"Hey, was there anything that really scared you when I was born?"
She goes, "Oh yeah."
[chuckles]
"When you were born, you had to get a blood transfusion."
"Then we found out kids your age getting blood transfusions were getting AIDS."
[mixed crowd reactions]
[light chuckling]
And I was like, "When did you get me tested for AIDS?"
She goes, "We didn't."
[crowd laughing]
Yeah, just eyeball it.
[crowd laughing]
And this is what a WASP my mother is.
She goes, "Rosie, you don't understand."
"If we got you tested, it would've ruined your social life."
[crowd laughing and groaning]
I was like, "You know what would've ruined my social life, Mom?"
"Giving every one of my high school boyfriends AIDS."
[crowd laughing]
So, you know…
Based on our different upbringings,
my husband and I have different parenting styles.
Okay?
'Cause I'm trying to raise our daughter according to our values
and to, like, fix whatever was broken.
Okay?
But when you're raised by Republicans, you're a piece of shit deep down.
It… It gets in your bones.
It's like Lyme disease.
[crowd laughing]
You just gotta live with those flare-ups.
[crowd chuckling]
So I'll give you guys an example.
My husband and I were driving in New York.
He was driving because I didn't wanna listen to him tell me how to do it.
[crowd laughing]
And he's driving, and I see this homeless guy wandering around
in the middle of the street during rush-hour.
So I was like, "Hey, babe, heads-up. Don't hit the homeless guy."
Pretty decent thing to say.
[crowd chuckling]
My husband, Mr. Seattle, turns to me, and he goes,
"I don't wanna be an asshole, but you're supposed to say 'unhoused.'"
[crowd exclaiming and laughing]
Here's the thing. I knew you were supposed to say unhoused, but it was just us there.
Dick.
[crowd laughing]
[scoffs] I'm like, "Are we on a fucking podcast? What the…"
[crowd laughing]
[sighs] I was like, "Babe, um…"
"Well, he has a sign, and it says, 'I'm fuckin' homeless.'"
[crowd laughing]
Maybe you wanna respect his pronouns?
[crowd laughing]
[cheers and applause]
Right.
But then I got greedy 'cause I got, like, one good line in.
[crowd laughing]
I was like, "Babe, should we pull over
and just tell him how offensive that sign is?"
[crowd chuckling]
"He's gonna cause an accident."
My husband was like, "I'm gonna teach my wife a lesson today."
And he pulls over…
[crowd exclaiming]
Yeah. He pulls over, like, "I'm gonna go check on this guy."
Which makes them sound like a hero in the story.
Um, he's not. He's abusing his wife.
[crowd laughing]
So he gets out to check on his homeless guy
while we're blocking traffic in New York City during rush hour.
All these angry New Yorkers start getting out of their cars, leaning on their horns.
I panic, roll the window down,
I point to my husband and the homeless guy,
I'm like, "That's his dad!"
[crowd laughing]
I just fuckin' lied.
And that's Republican shit right there.
-[crowd laughing] -Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, they trained me to do that.
You can say what you want about Republicans,
but they are the quickest people on earth with a lie.
Being a MAGA Republican right now has gotta feel like
shitting in a public bathroom and finding out there's no toilet paper.
You're like… "Well, these are the facts."
"And I gotta get real creative real fucking quick."
[crowd laughing]
And you just run out of the bathroom like, "They're eating the pets!"
[crowd laughing]
"In there!"
It's amazing. And I… It's… Honestly, it works.
You tell enough lies, and people… It's not that they believe the lies.
They just stop believing in anything. They just…
Everyone just stops believing in anything. I mean, that's how QAnon happened.
I… And I don't really know how to get into this except to say that, um…
my hairdresser joined QAnon.
-Um… -[crowd chuckling]
I don't know if you can still tell. It was a while ago.
[crowd laughing]
Don't tell me if you can. Um…
But yeah, she joined. And this is how I found out.
I showed up to get a haircut. She comes out, she was like,
"I gotta show you this article I read." And she showed me a meme.
[crowd laughing]
-I was like, "Babe, that's a picture." -[crowd chuckling]
And she goes, "Not if you're reading between the lines."
-[crowd chuckling] -[chuckles] Oh fuck…
I'm like, now I gotta get a new hairdresser,
which is, like, easy.
Or I could pretend to be in QAnon, which is a lot easier.
-[crowd chuckling] -Okay.
I've talked to a flat-earther before. You just sit there and go,
"Whoa! That's crazy."
[crowd laughing]
And then it's over, you know.
I think every woman knows how to do that. Um…
[crowd laughing]
[cheers and applause]
So I'm sitting in her chair, and I'm listening to all this horseshit.
And one of the things that she really, to her core, believes
is that there's rich people,
like a cabal of rich people, drinking children's blood.
And, um… That's fine, if you wanna believe that, okay.
I was raised by rich people.
And you sound poor.
[crowd laughing loudly]
[chuckles]
It's not giving wealth… I mean…
[crowd chuckling]
If you were raised by rich people, or anywhere near them, you know…
rich people don't fucking touch their children.
[crowd laughing]
They're sticky.
Gross.
No, if I'm gonna drink a kid's blood, I'd have to hold it myself.
Eww!
No, rich people make their kids, and then they sort of punt you to a Bolivian lady.
And they go, "Don't teach her Spanish."
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
[chuckles] And then you spend four years being like, Who's my mom?"
[crowd laughing]
[chuckling] But you're asking in Spanish, so she never fucking comes.
[crowd laughing]
I am doing things a little bit differently. Um…
I don't have a Bolivian nanny.
She's Filipina.
[crowd chuckling]
I love her so much.
I am the wife to her that my husband will never have.
[crowd chuckling]
Every day I sit her down, and I go,
"I just want you to know I love you. You've never made a mistake in your life."
"If you leave me, I'll sell my ass on the Internet to keep you."
"Okay?"
She is fantastic, but, uh, she does do one weird thing.
Which is that, uh…
She texts us as the baby.
[crowd laughing]
I didn't know, okay?
I hired her, went back to work, my husband and I got a text.
There was no picture attached.
It just said, "I'm up from my nap, Mommy and Daddy."
[crowd laughing]
And… we need her more than she needs us.
So I immediately text my husband on the side,
"I think we gotta 'Yes, and' this."
[crowd laughing]
Okay. So I write back, "That's good, sweetie."
"Hope you got your rest."
Then my husband was like, "Did you do number one or number two?"
And I was like…
"That's what you text the dog walker."
I was like, "Okay."
But my point is, this has been going on for 11 months now.
I don't think it'll end until she sees this special. I…
[crowd laughing]
It feels… [chuckles]
It feels like we hired someone to cosplay the baby in our marriage.
[crowd chuckling]
But on the bright side, it does make it really fucking weird
if my husband tries to fuck the nanny. So…
[crowd laughing]
It's kind of genius of her, to be honest.
[splutters]
A couple of my friends were like, "Hey, are you gonna get a nanny?"
While I was pregnant, and I was like, "I think so."
And some of them asked me if I was gonna get a white nanny.
And I was like, "Well, that feels like a weird Google search for me to do."
[crowd laughing]
But also, um, no.
I'm not getting a white nanny. I was a white nanny.
And, uh, I sucked at it.
Okay? White nannies will lose your kid trying to find themselves.
[crowd chuckling]
They also don't have the restraint of tongue necessary
to be around other people's children.
Okay, I went to pick this…
I was a nanny for this very wealthy family on the Upper East Side.
I went to pick them up from school.
They wouldn't get on the bus with me 'cause they didn't like my outfit.
[crowd chuckling]
And I told them they should eat makeup
'cause it would make them pretty on the inside.
[crowd laughing and clapping]
So yeah, I don't have a white nanny. Um…
But, um, I am so grateful every day
that I have my daughter.
And that, uh, she made it possible for me to no longer be pregnant.
[crowd chuckling]
Because that shit is a fucking body-horror nightmare.
This is not my favorite way to be.
I know a lot of women who have had like a… They have a moment, know what I mean?
They're always, like, sort of cupping their bump by a windowsill.
[crowd laughing]
They're having, like, a body-positivity moment.
That's not what I've been having.
This is the dumbest my body's ever looked.
I just… wanna be clear.
The…
When I'm in the shower, I just look like a frog standing up. Like…
[crowd chuckling]
Just fucking tiny legs, and these big clown tits.
And I'd get out of the shower and be like… [singsong] "It's the WB!"
[crowd laughing and clapping]
My husband was like, "You gotta stop doing that."
"It's really tough to fuck you."
[crowd laughing]
I was like, "That's the idea."
[crowd laughing]
I hated sex pregnant.
Okay? I do not feel hot.
I've tried fucking my husband halfway through my pregnancy, and I went,
"You're all over the place. Get out."
[crowd chuckling]
Like a traffic cop. I was like…
It wasn't even anything he did. There was too many people inside me.
[crowd chuckling]
I was like, "I'm getting gang banged by my whole family right now."
There's no room at the inn.
I'm a lazy… I'm a lazy fuck, is what I'm saying.
I'm a very lazy fuck.
Like, I… [sighs]
I stopped sucking dick.
[crowd chuckling]
And, uh… I know, yeah.
I stopped sucking dick after I got married.
But here's the thing. He went bald, so we both lied.
[crowd laughing]
I… Here's… Here's why. I just need to make it clear.
Why… I did this… is, um…
I'm not good at it.
-[laughter and cheers] -I'm not good… Make eye contact with me.
[crowd laughing]
Stop. Don't look at the sign.
-[crowd laughing] -You have to look at me for the joke.
[laughter continues]
Then you guys can have an honest conversation later.
[crowd laughing]
Here's the thing. I stopped sucking dick because I'm not good at it.
And I know how to take a note. I know… what my skill set is.
All right? Here… When you're not good at sucking dick,
you don't find out in a real fun way. You don't… [chuckles]
You know, you don't twist open a Snapple and find a message on the top.
It's like, "Hang up your jersey!"
-You know. -[crowd chuckling]
It's an awakening that happens. Um…
So I'll tell you guys what happened. I was…
sucking a dick. [chuckles]
Surprise twist!
No, I was… It wasn't a dick. I was sucking my husband's dick.
It was a good Christian dick-sucking.
[crowd chuckling]
Okay? [chuckles]
I was just gobbling on my husband's cock as God intended.
[crowd laughing]
For the Christians in the audience.
[crowd laughing]
-[laughs] -[crowd laughing]
And while I'm down there…
Okay? In the dark…
doing this unpaid labor…
[crowd chuckling]
[chuckles]
…I heard my husband's voice.
And he says to me…
[sucks teeth]
"What's your goal right now?"
[crowd laughing]
I thought God was talking to me.
I was like,
"I had goals."
"And none of them ended with sucking cock."
"So I think I fucked up."
I mean, honestly, that is the kind of question
you actively avoid asking yourself when you're sucking a dick.
"What are my goals?"
You don't think… You don't go there in your head.
So when he asked me, I couldn't get offended. I just answered.
[garbled] "I don't know."
[crowd laughing]
"I was just gonna hang out down here."
"Until you set me free."
[chuckles]
[spits]
"I don't wanna be here. Haha!"
[crowd chuckling]
I've never wanted to be here a day in my life.
Actually…
Yeah, this is a favor. I don't…
I've never been in the mood to suck a dick.
[crowd chuckling]
No woman ever has had, like, a hard day at work…
and on her way home been like,
"God, you know what I could go for?"
[crowd laughing]
"What would really take the edge off?"
[crowd chuckling]
"Just, like, a warm teaspoon of cum in my eye."
[crowd laughing]
"Yeah, if I could just go half-blind for the week, that'd be nice."
[crowd chuckling]
I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not a monster.
Like, I'll do it if I owe you an apology and I don't wanna say sorry.
[crowd laughing]
That's…
[chuckles] But that's not even selfless.
'Cause it's like, that's the only thing that tastes worse than cum,
is the words "I was wrong" coming out of my mouth.
I'm like… [gags]
[retches]
You wanna see me actually gag. Ugh…
So I just stopped, know what I mean?
Because there's women that are really good at sucking dick, and it's a craft.
And they're good at it because they get paid.
[crowd chuckling]
You've seen them, right? I mean, they're in there.
Two-handed, just fucking…
They're like washing machines. Just fucking, just…
They're tickling balls, touching nipples, and cracking open a beer,
and rubbing shoul… I'm like, how many…
How many arms do you fucking have?
[crowd laughing]
It's like watching a cartoon fight.
[crowd chuckling]
[scoffs]
I need my arms. I'm not Ganesh, okay?
I need… my arms.
I have to kickstand my whole body up when I'm sucking a dick.
[crowd chuckling]
I'm using all my traps strength.
I'm not multitasking, just pumping my whole upper body with just my neck.
Like some kind of dick-sucking cobra.
I can't…
[crowd laughing]
No!
[chuckles] Matter of fact, I feel like
if you need somebody to suck your dick with that level of neck strength…
call a man.
[loud laughter and cheers]
-[loud whooping] -Yes.
That's a man's job.
[chuckles]
It's like installing an AC unit. "Get a Taskrabbit in here."
"I'm not doing that shit myself."
[crowd chuckling]
You know what I should've done as much research on as I did for sucking dick
is, um, giving birth.
I should've done…
Maybe read one fucking book… about that.
I just combed a Reddit thread and was like, "I think we're set."
[crowd chuckling]
So it kind of took me aback when I walked into the doctor's office,
and he was like, "What's your birth plan?"
And I was like, "Oh, it was just to have you deliver…
the baby."
I'm like, "Why am I a fucking part of this?"
Know what I mean? Only in women's medicine does a surgeon walk in the room,
and go, "So how do you wanna play this?"
[crowd laughing]
"Did you do your fucking homework?"
"What does your 12 years of medical school tell you to do?"
"Let's play it that way."
"Asshole."
[crowd chuckling]
So I had to… I had to pick a birth plan,
which is a lot like designing your own car crash.
[crowd chuckling]
And they ask you all kinds of dumb fucking questions.
They were like, "Do you want us to dim the lights?"
"Do you have a birth playlist?"
I was like, "No, I'm not gonna fuck you. I want you to…"
[crowd laughing]
"…deliver the child."
[crowd chuckling]
My doctor goes, "Would you like to be present for the birth?"
[crowd laughing]
"Can I skip it?"
[crowd laughs]
"I'll fucking skip it if that's an option."
He goes, "That's my way of asking if you'd like to be medicated or unmedicated."
"Well, say that."
[crowd chuckling]
"Okay, we're in a hospital, not the woods."
[crowd laughing]
"And to answer your question,
for sure, medicated."
"Are people doing that? Like, what?"
"I want medication."
"I want all the drugs you have in the drawers."
"And I want you to let me down real slow."
"So I can feel it."
[crowd laughing]
"I wanna have some fun."
"It's been a long nine months."
[laughs] Okay?
I'm like, "How about this?"
"How about you give me a C-section? Do me a favor. Put me out."
"Throw that sheet up, and wake me up with the world's bloodiest puppet show."
"How's that sound?"
[crowd laughing and clapping]
"Let's make that the plan."
"Just tug on the cord and go, 'Look what Mommy made.'"
[crowd laughing]
And I have to say, I did…
I wrote that joke before I had a C-section. And…
It is the most accurate thing I've ever…
[crowd laughing]
It ruined the first moment that I looked at my daughter.
I saw her big, beautiful eyes,
and I just went… "Aw, fuck, I nailed that."
[crowd laughing]
[cheers and applause]
They presented her to me, you guys…
They presented her to me like the grossest bottle of wine.
They were like…
[crowd laughing]
[crowd clapping]
[crowd cheering]
I was like, "No, thanks. I'm sober." Um…
You guys have been an amazing crowd. I love you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
-Oh my God. -[cheers and applause]
Thank you, thank you.
["Never Been Small" by Jennarie plays]
[cheers and applause continue]
♪ I have never been small ♪
♪ I have never been thin ♪
♪ I'm almost six feet tall ♪
♪ So tall I stretched my skin ♪
♪ I've got stories I could tell ♪
♪ Are you listening? ♪
♪ Years I was unwell ♪
♪ Crippling ♪
♪ Now I've built this shell ♪
♪ Distancing myself ♪
♪ From the outside ♪
♪ And I'm alive… ♪
[vocalizing]
[song fades out]