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Downloaded from
YTS.LT
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[gentle music playing]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT
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My special!
It's about to come out.
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[woman] What special?
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My stand-up comedy special.
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You do stand-up?
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What?
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When did
you start doing stand-up?
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I... I've been doing
stand-up for like seven years.
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- What are you talking about?
- Like on stage?
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Yeah, like with a microphone.
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What are you talking about?
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What are you talking about?
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What do you think I do?
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You do TikTok.
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You're like an influencer.
You do videos.
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I'm not an influencer.
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You like do videos
of you in the car,
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like, talking to the camera.
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Yeah, those are jokes.
I post jokes online in my car.
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But it's like,
I don't know, it's not stand-up.
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You're like talking,
"Blah-blah, what I wore today."
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- I don't know.
- These?
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These? Is this what
you're talking about?
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Sarah, that's
you sitting in a car.
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Yeah, but I do--
That's jokes though.
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This message is for Snoop Dogg.
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As you requested, I am trying
to be toned, tan,
fit and ready.
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But I'm feeling a little soft,
pale, and unprepared,
if I'm being honest.
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Yeah, that's
a video on the internet.
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That's a, you're like
a funny, like, TikTok girl.
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No, I'm a stand-up comedian.
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I do those, but I just put
a microphone in my hand,
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and then it's stand-up.
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Instead of sit down in
my car, it's stand-up comedy.
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I don't like your tone.
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I know what stand-up comedy is.
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That's what stand-up is!
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It's just complaining
with punchlines at the end.
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You're really about to
tell me what stand-up is.
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Sarah, I've been
doing stand-up 13 years.
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And I do what you do.
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- No, you don't.
- I go with you to the clubs.
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Yeah, I thought you just liked
the discount on food and drinks.
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- Who likes comedy club food?
- I didn't...
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You were getting
on stage at the clubs?
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Just watch it.
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Sarah Huntington!
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[crow cheering]
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[gentle music playing]
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We're recording a special.
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You guys get way more fun
real fucking quick.
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I'm being serious.
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Like, what the fuck was that?
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You guys are being
fucking hags up here.
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Come on.
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Hot ladies in the front row.
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Hot, hot, hot.
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That's my mom.
Still hot, obviously.
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She made me.
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Guys, I'm so excited to be here.
I'm excited to be in Columbus.
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They're like, "Where do
you want to film your special?"
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I said the Holy Grail,
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where everyone wants
to film a special.
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Columbus, Ohio.
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[crowd whooping]
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Of course.
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Now, I recently got
to quit my job
to start doing comedy full time.
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[crowd cheering]
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Don't clap.
I didn't say it was going well.
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I've been trying
to figure out what to do
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with all the spare time
that I have now.
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So here lately,
I've just been carving out
about three hours a day
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to self-diagnose myself on
TikTok.
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00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:04,618
And that's been
going pretty well.
You guys on TikTok?
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It's rotting my brain, dude.
Rotting my brain.
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I have no attention span
at all anymore.
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But last night,
I did buckle down.
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I watched a whole movie. Yeah.
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On TikTok.
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In one minute increments.
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It's rotting my brain.
I love it so much.
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00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,374
I love watching those
little police videos
they have on there.
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You guys watch the police
chase videos on TikTok?
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And I consider myself like
a pretty liberal gal, you know?
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I'm like, defund the police!
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But not their social
media team, please.
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Keep the cameras on them.
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I need my entertainment.
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It's rotting my brain.
It's rotting my brain.
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All I do on there is just
self-diagnose myself with stuff.
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Are you guys guilty of this?
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Self-diagnosing
yourself on TikTok?
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I convinced
myself that I have autism.
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Because of TikTok.
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I went to an actual psychiatrist
and said these words to her.
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Made eye contact
when I said that, which
should have been a red flag.
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00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,748
I was like, "Pretty sure
it's gonna be autism, doc."
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00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:10,651
"Yeah, pretty sure
it's gonna be autism."
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"I saw a couple TikToks
and I don't like
lukewarm water, so...
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"Yeah.
It's probably gonna be autism."
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That's what TikTok will do.
It'll convince you
that you have problems
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you didn't even know you had.
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But after a few months
of talking to her,
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we did find out that it is ADHD.
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Woo! I have something!
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- [woman] Whoo!
- Yay! I have it!
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I was so excited. I was like,
"I got something! Yay!"
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Yes! I fit in with the Gen Zs.
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She said, yeah, you do have ADHD
and because you went undiagnosed
for so long,
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you probably just
have a lot of PTSD.
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I was like, PTSD?
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Are you telling me I have
the same diagnosis as my grandpa
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because he went to Vietnam
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because I couldn't
do math in 7th grade?
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Like, that's embarrassing.
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My grandpa can't hear fireworks.
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00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:07,508
I can't hear, like,
"Can you figure out the tip?"
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Just let me have autism, dude.
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Let me have it.
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We're like, oh,
can you figure out 20%?
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00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:18,151
And I'm like,
"No! Make it stop! Make it stop!
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Turn them off! Turn them off!"
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Love TikTok.
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She was like, "Oh, did your
family ever notice
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that maybe you had symptoms of
ADHD when you were growing up?"
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And I was like,
"Oh, ma'am, no. Um..."
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00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:39,273
You see, I come from
a white trash family, okay?
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00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:44,678
I'm the fourth person
to graduate high school
in my family.
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My sister had three kids
before she was 21
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and my brother was in prison.
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The fact that
I couldn't read until eight,
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not a huge red flag for them.
Okay?
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They didn't notice that stuff.
We didn't talk about mental
health issues in my family.
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We didn't talk about
regular issues we had.
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Like, I promise,
I wish I was making this up,
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I had a cousin,
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he just wore a helmet.
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Still to this day,
we don't know why.
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I asked my uncle, like,
three months ago,
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00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,444
I was like, "Yo, what
was that helmet for?"
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00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,713
He's like, "It helped."
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00:06:22,749 --> 00:06:24,318
"Any more questions?"
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00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:28,822
Yeah, did he have like seizures
or something like that?
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00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,691
"Nah, Sarah, it's just that
when he said weird shit,
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00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,227
so people know he's got
something wrong with him."
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00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:37,197
"What's wrong with you?
You need a helmet or something?"
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00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,071
Figuring out a lot
about myself in my 30s.
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00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,340
It's weird to figure
all this out in your 30s.
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00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,574
But I do, I like the Gen Z's.
You guys...
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00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:49,877
Are there Gen Z's here?
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All right, fuck y'all.
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00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:54,581
I hate the Gen Z's.
Fuck them, right?
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00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:55,749
Hate them. They suck.
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00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,086
Nah, we gotta give them
a little bit of credit, guys.
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00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,787
Because they're
doing stuff for us, right?
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00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,322
Like, as much as
you want to hate them,
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00:07:02,356 --> 00:07:05,291
they're glorifying things
that we used to hate
about ourselves, right?
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00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:06,727
Like, the older generation.
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00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:10,297
Like, if you figured out
that you were gay
in middle school,
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00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:12,065
as a millennial or older,
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do you know what
you did with that information?
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You shoved it down, right?
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00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:19,973
You didn't tell
a single soul, right?
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00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,909
You just walked around,
you asked your friends
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00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,577
what their favoriteTwilight character was,
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00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,746
tried to figure out
if they were gay too, right?
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00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,550
They're like, "Jacob? Gay."
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00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:34,087
We didn't talk about
that kind of stuff, right?
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00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,890
Like, I didn't even
know being gay was an option.
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I remember I asked-- Right?
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You didn't even,
you had no idea.
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00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:42,462
I remember, I watched
a show called Degrassi.
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00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,631
Remember that show, Degrassi?
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00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,934
Yeah, the rapper Drake
was in a wheelchair in it.
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00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:51,138
And I didn't know that he wasn't
paralyzed in real life.
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00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:55,107
I thought he was
just a paralyzed person.
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00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,744
So when he came out with
that song, "Started From
The Bottom, Now We're Here,"
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00:07:57,778 --> 00:08:00,480
like three years later,
I was like, he really did, dude.
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00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,684
That's pretty crazy.
He can walk now.
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00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,556
There's a lesbian on
that show though, right?
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00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,458
And I didn't know what it was.
I had to go home.
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00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,861
I had to ask my very
Christian, conservative mother.
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00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,196
I was like,
"Mom, what's a lesbian?"
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00:08:18,432 --> 00:08:20,033
She panicked, dude.
She panicked.
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00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,534
She never told
anybody this before.
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00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:23,470
She was like,
"Fuck, Sarah, a lesbian."
189
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,273
"Okay, yeah,
a lesbian, it's, um...
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00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:30,043
It's girls
that play basketball."
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00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,885
You know, I got older.
I found out that's not what
a lesbian is
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00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,120
because they play
softball and...
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00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,893
Wish she would have
just told me what
an actual lesbian is, right?
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00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,027
Which is a great relationship
195
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,663
where both parties
get off every time.
196
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,701
Because that sounds
pretty nice, you know?
197
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:57,237
Sounds pretty nice.
198
00:08:57,471 --> 00:09:00,240
We've come pretty far in the
LGBTQ community though, right?
199
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:03,610
Like, okay, are
there gays here tonight?
200
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,880
Oh, two lone
survivors over there.
201
00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:10,150
We've come pretty far, right?
202
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:13,053
I mean, we're reversing back
a little bit,
203
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,988
but like right now,
we're doing pretty good.
204
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,391
Right now,
we're doing okay, right?
205
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:21,228
We've progressed at this point
so far that we can even
hate gay icons now.
206
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,398
Yeah, like that girl JoJo Siwa.
207
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,903
And like, the Gen Z's hate her,
208
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:32,873
but I think it's
like progressive that
they hate her, right?
209
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,075
Because they don't
hate her because she's gay.
210
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,744
They hate her for
who she is as a person.
211
00:09:40,514 --> 00:09:42,149
Call that what
you want, ladies and gentlemen.
212
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,450
That's progress, you know?
213
00:09:43,517 --> 00:09:46,486
They're like, yeah, kiss a lady.
We don't give a shit about that.
214
00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:48,288
Just quit doing
weird shit, dude.
215
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:51,758
Why are you wearing
bedazzled board shorts?
216
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:58,298
Just to be able to go back
and hate somebody
at their core again.
217
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,068
Pretty progressive.
218
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:03,570
Because that's what
has to happen, right?
219
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:06,540
The pendulum has to
swing from right to left a lot.
220
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:09,309
And a lot of times,
we're way too far right.
221
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:13,814
But every once in a while,
we swing too far left
accidentally.
222
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:16,550
Remember when we
swung it so far left,
223
00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:19,253
we accidentally made
Caitlyn Jenner
woman of the year?
224
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,991
And I'm a trans ally.
225
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,727
I absolutely think a trans woman
can be woman of the year,
226
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,429
but can we pick a better one?
227
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,234
Not her.
228
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,504
I was thinking about it.
I was like, who would I want
my woman of the year to be
229
00:10:37,571 --> 00:10:38,471
if she was a trans woman?
230
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:39,740
And I figured it out.
231
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,409
I follow this
account called No_Limbs.
232
00:10:45,279 --> 00:10:47,281
You guys familiar with No_Limbs?
233
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:53,287
Well, you're not gonna believe
this, but she has no limbs.
234
00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:58,725
Yeah, no arms, no legs.
235
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,961
But she's a hell
of a woman, dude, okay?
236
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,696
She's doing makeup tutorials.
237
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:05,299
She's contouring with her mouth.
238
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,269
She's incredible.
That's who I want my
woman of the year to be.
239
00:11:09,303 --> 00:11:13,273
Because you can't hate No_Limbs.
How you gonna hate on No_Limbs?
240
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,842
Even if you're one of those
people that's like
a terrible person
241
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,844
that doesn't like trans people
due to your religion,
242
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:19,413
what are you gonna do?
Hate No_Limbs?
243
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,882
Go up to her and be like,
"You can't be trans."
244
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:25,285
God made you perfect
just the way you are.
245
00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:33,026
Because you gotta admit, God
goofs a little bit sometimes.
246
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:36,363
He makes a couple
little mistakes, right?
247
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,699
He sent her out
and the angels were like,
248
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:43,303
"Did you forget the arms and
the legs on that woman?"
249
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:48,909
He's like, "Yeah, and I
put a dick on there. Oh."
250
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:53,146
Make her woman of the year.
Can you imagine
251
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,149
the only limb you get
is the one you don't want?
252
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,855
That's my woman of the year.
253
00:12:08,262 --> 00:12:10,364
I don't know if you're
allowed to laugh at that.
254
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,499
We're on the right side.
255
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:15,202
Hopefully you guys are laughing
for the right reasons on it.
256
00:12:16,270 --> 00:12:19,673
I don't know. I like being 30.
I like being 30.
It's interesting.
257
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:22,876
They don't tell you the things
that are gonna happen to you
in your 30s.
258
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,946
Um, like, ladies,
do you remember eye shadow?
259
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,416
How nice
that used to be to put on?
260
00:12:30,551 --> 00:12:33,053
No?
Nobody's put on eye shadow here?
261
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,923
Dude, it used to glide
on just like a wet pussy.
262
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:38,759
It was just like perfectly,
just went on.
263
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,561
And now every time
I put on eye shadow,
264
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,696
it's like putting on
a fitted sheet.
265
00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:47,935
I'm just like, "If I just
fucking open my eye this way,
it'll do it."
266
00:12:52,573 --> 00:12:54,808
They don't tell you
you're gonna turn
into your mother.
267
00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:57,477
They don't warn you about that.
268
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,780
They don't tell
you that, you know?
269
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:02,516
Like, in your 20s, you're
having the time of your life.
270
00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:05,619
You're like, "It's Tuesday.
Let's do a line, Marissa."
271
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,921
And you turn 30,
and you're like,
272
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,757
"Is there gonna
be a line, Marissa?"
273
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,328
"Because I'm not going."
274
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,331
You're having
the time of your life.
275
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,800
You're having brunch with
your friends in your 20s,
276
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,336
and out of nowhere, you're at
a brunch with your friends,
277
00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:25,672
and you hear yourself just go,
"Hey, what's the soup
of the day?"
278
00:13:27,341 --> 00:13:28,775
Like, "No!"
279
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,677
You're trying to
gobble those words back in.
280
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:32,679
You're like, it's happening,
it's happening, it's happening.
281
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,481
And as you're trying to gobble
those in, you're like,
282
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:36,116
"And a glass of Chardonnay!"
283
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,518
Fuck!
284
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,653
No!
285
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:42,923
It's happening!
286
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,496
And you don't want
it to happen, right?
287
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:52,099
Because as a teenager,
you hate your mom, right?
288
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:53,600
She's the worst.
289
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,938
She's gross, and she's
got that weird chin hair.
290
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,775
She sucks, dude.
291
00:14:03,377 --> 00:14:05,846
And then in your 20s,
292
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:09,783
you start to realize
that she did carry the weight
of the world on her shoulders,
293
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,119
and maybe she had
a right to be mad at you
294
00:14:12,186 --> 00:14:16,256
when you let a stranger
pierce your belly button
at a Limp Bizkit concert.
295
00:14:21,662 --> 00:14:25,866
And then in your 30s,
you realize that
chin hair she has
296
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,868
is hereditary.
297
00:14:34,675 --> 00:14:38,512
You're sitting on a Zoom call
trying to pick it out.
298
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,115
This can't be happening.
299
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:46,153
I was not gonna put that joke
in the special,
300
00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:48,422
and then I was like,
"My mom's friends
are gonna love this."
301
00:14:51,525 --> 00:14:53,694
Because they know
she has that chin hair.
302
00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:57,197
That's why they laugh so hard.
303
00:14:57,264 --> 00:15:00,033
They're like,
"Yeah, no, she does.
She does have that chin hair."
304
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,935
That's not even a joke.
305
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:04,204
That one's just kind
of the truth, you know?
306
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,344
Cut this. Uh...
307
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,080
Whew, all right.
308
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,287
For a while there, I was trying
to figure out if I was gay
309
00:15:20,521 --> 00:15:22,089
or if I just liked weak men,
310
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:25,592
and, uh, that was
difficult, you know?
311
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:29,630
Because I did, like, my type,
like, for the longest time
312
00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:31,632
was just weak, weak men.
313
00:15:31,865 --> 00:15:33,967
You know, physically
and mentally weak,
314
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:35,636
kind of what I was going for.
315
00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:38,705
Like, low iron,
low self-esteem boys, you know?
316
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:43,777
Like, a little bit of
jaundice and daddy issues.
317
00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:46,313
And I'm like, skinny and sad,
I'll fuck ya.
318
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:49,249
That's what I like.
319
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:54,388
Like, the kind of weak,
like, if they got a flat tire
on the side of the road,
320
00:15:54,588 --> 00:15:56,456
they ask me
how to change it, right?
321
00:15:57,057 --> 00:16:00,060
I'm like, "Let mama do it.
Clean out the trunk, pussy."
322
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:03,997
That kind of weak.
323
00:16:04,665 --> 00:16:06,300
Physically very weak.
324
00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:08,135
Just physically caved in.
325
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:10,070
You guys know
what I'm talking about?
326
00:16:12,506 --> 00:16:14,641
You know those
chest dips they get?
327
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,578
Woo!
328
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,347
I'm like, get over here, baby.
I'm gonna eat
guacamole out of you.
329
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:24,685
I'm gonna eat you out tonight.
330
00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:26,153
How about that?
That's different.
331
00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:36,430
They were hard to find, dude.
They were hard to find.
332
00:16:36,964 --> 00:16:39,466
My friends are like,
"How you finding them?
You getting on Hinge?"
333
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:43,070
And I'm like, no.
Here lately, I've just been
hanging outside of vape shops.
334
00:16:45,706 --> 00:16:48,842
Looking for the one that looked
like he forgot to eat lunch.
335
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:53,013
That's my boy.
You can see him
because of the dark circles.
336
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:56,483
My friends would
make fun of me, you know?
337
00:16:56,550 --> 00:16:58,318
They're like, "Oh, Sarah,
doesn't it bother you
338
00:16:58,352 --> 00:17:01,188
that you end up weighing
more than your boyfriend?
339
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:03,156
I'm like, "Doesn't it
bother you, Katie,
340
00:17:03,257 --> 00:17:06,059
to think that your boyfriend
could kill you with one hand?"
341
00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:10,030
"You ever think about that?
Yeah, one hand. You're dead."
342
00:17:10,731 --> 00:17:13,300
My boyfriend wants to kill me,
he's gonna have to plan it.
343
00:17:17,638 --> 00:17:20,474
And I know men, he's never
gonna figure that shit out.
344
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:25,312
He's gonna be at the store
just like, "Babe,
345
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,081
what kills you?"
346
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:34,655
I had a weird type for
a long time. Very weird type.
347
00:17:34,855 --> 00:17:37,357
I dated two guys that
like a finger in their butt.
348
00:17:39,193 --> 00:17:41,828
You guys feel awkward?
I just said that
in front of my mom.
349
00:17:44,298 --> 00:17:46,400
Fucking loosen up, all right?
350
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,503
Get those assholes a little
bit loose for this joke.
351
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,538
And I'll do it, you know?
352
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,841
Like, I'll put
a finger in a butt, whatever.
353
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:56,276
It's not because I'm, like,
fun and kinky or anything.
354
00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:59,880
It's just because
I want to be loved so bad.
355
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:04,451
I'm like, whatever
you like, me too, I guess, now.
356
00:18:05,219 --> 00:18:08,722
I was dating this one guy,
he was like a one-finger
fella for the longest time.
357
00:18:08,789 --> 00:18:12,226
And one night he was
like, you can put two in.
358
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:19,233
This is gonna get spicy because
we had never done
that before, right?
359
00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:23,203
So I was like, "Oh,
well, let me take my ring off."
360
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:26,106
He was like,
"Nah, you don't have to,
the ring won't bother me."
361
00:18:26,907 --> 00:18:29,109
And I was like, well,
my mom got me this ring.
362
00:18:31,912 --> 00:18:35,415
When my cousin passed away,
and it has her ashes in it,
363
00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:38,552
and I just
can't imagine losing her twice.
364
00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:46,994
She didn't
deserve to be up there.
365
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:48,829
She wasn't
a piece of shit, you know?
366
00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:55,102
That was a joke
I was gonna take out,
367
00:18:55,169 --> 00:18:57,571
and then I didn't
because my mom is here.
368
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:04,044
And she was like,
"Nah, that's true,
there is ashes in that ring."
369
00:19:04,111 --> 00:19:05,312
You guys drinking?
370
00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:07,414
[scattered whoops]
371
00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,183
Put them up, do something cool.
372
00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:10,284
I don't know.
373
00:19:10,684 --> 00:19:11,818
This is very weird.
374
00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:14,755
I perform for a lot of
strangers,
375
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,657
and I see a lot of
familiar faces
here.
376
00:19:16,857 --> 00:19:20,327
And I know, I love you guys.
I'm so happy you guys are here.
377
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,331
She goes, "Do you wanna vape?"
378
00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:26,633
I do.
379
00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:29,036
I think that would solve
everything right now, dude.
380
00:19:30,704 --> 00:19:32,105
I gotta quit vaping.
381
00:19:32,306 --> 00:19:35,676
I haven't breathed
right in like seven years.
382
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,814
Cut that. Um...
383
00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:45,986
I had to slow down my
drinking a lot in my 30s, a lot.
384
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:47,988
Because every time I would have
more than seven drinks,
385
00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:50,557
I would do this really
weird thing called cocaine.
386
00:19:53,894 --> 00:19:55,162
Big problem.
387
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,064
I didn't have
a problem with cocaine,
388
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,333
but people definitely
had a problem with me
389
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:01,735
when I did it, right?
390
00:20:02,536 --> 00:20:05,672
Because I was under
the impression that people
did cocaine and they got sexy.
391
00:20:05,873 --> 00:20:07,808
That's what I thought.
Like, I thought you did cocaine,
392
00:20:08,008 --> 00:20:10,511
you turned into like
one of those hot girls
that goes out,
393
00:20:10,711 --> 00:20:13,347
and they dance,
and they give blowjobs
or whatever.
394
00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:16,950
But like that's not what
happened to me, and I think
like looking back I'm like
395
00:20:17,017 --> 00:20:18,185
"Oh, it's just the ADHD, right?"
396
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:19,920
Because I did cocaine
397
00:20:20,153 --> 00:20:21,889
and I was like, "Guys,
I think I know how to read."
398
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,928
"We should go home and
list the presidents in order."
399
00:20:32,032 --> 00:20:35,836
Slowed down my
drinking a lot, a lot. Um...
400
00:20:36,036 --> 00:20:38,205
I slowed down my drinking
because I got this infection,
401
00:20:39,173 --> 00:20:40,908
and the doctor told me
when I got the infection
402
00:20:41,108 --> 00:20:43,076
they were like,
"Hey, we're going
to give you a pill,
403
00:20:43,277 --> 00:20:45,779
and on this pill you cannot
drink on it for seven days."
404
00:20:46,013 --> 00:20:49,216
If you drink on this pill
you will shit out of your mouth
or something like that.
405
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:51,785
I don't know,
they made it seem really scary.
406
00:20:52,019 --> 00:20:53,854
So I didn't drink
for seven days,
407
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:56,957
and I couldn't remember
the last time I hadn't
drank for seven days,
408
00:20:57,191 --> 00:21:00,561
and my biggest fear at the time
was that the guy that I was
dating at the time
409
00:21:00,661 --> 00:21:04,631
was going to break up with me
if I couldn't drink with him
for seven days.
410
00:21:04,865 --> 00:21:07,034
I know, isn't that crazy
that he did?
411
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:12,739
It's fine, he got fat and
he's a DJ, so fuck him, right?
412
00:21:15,776 --> 00:21:18,312
I just didn't know what to do
with all this spare time, right?
413
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:21,582
Like, do you guys
have, um, hobbies?
414
00:21:23,483 --> 00:21:24,952
Oh, it got real quiet.
415
00:21:26,053 --> 00:21:27,821
You guys had a lot
to say just a second ago.
416
00:21:28,055 --> 00:21:29,089
You have hobbies?
417
00:21:31,258 --> 00:21:32,759
What's your hobby? Drinking.
418
00:21:33,260 --> 00:21:35,963
Yeah. Not a lot.
You have a hobby?
419
00:21:36,763 --> 00:21:38,098
- [woman] Yeah.
- What's your hobby?
420
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:40,601
Dungeons and Dragons.
421
00:21:40,801 --> 00:21:41,902
Oh you're a nerd.
422
00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:44,671
Do you guys know what
Dungeons and Dragons is?
423
00:21:45,339 --> 00:21:49,276
Yeah? It's basically
like women repellent. Um...
424
00:21:50,077 --> 00:21:51,812
I'm kidding.
Is that your girlfriend?
425
00:21:52,513 --> 00:21:54,580
Does she play
Dungeons and Dragons with you?
426
00:21:54,581 --> 00:21:55,749
- No.
- No.
427
00:21:55,782 --> 00:21:58,151
How do you feel about
the Dungeons and Dragons?
428
00:21:58,352 --> 00:21:59,419
Support from afar.
429
00:21:59,620 --> 00:22:01,021
Support from afar.
430
00:22:02,856 --> 00:22:04,358
So you have the whole setup,
431
00:22:04,591 --> 00:22:06,260
the map with the shit on it
432
00:22:06,460 --> 00:22:08,195
and you have
all your friends over?
433
00:22:08,829 --> 00:22:12,099
You made
a Dungeons and Dragons map?
434
00:22:12,299 --> 00:22:13,934
Well yeah,
I started a new campaign.
435
00:22:14,134 --> 00:22:16,370
Have you thought
about maybe drinking?
436
00:22:19,006 --> 00:22:21,508
Might be a little
bit better of a hobby.
437
00:22:24,811 --> 00:22:27,047
I just thought,
yeah, I had no idea.
438
00:22:27,281 --> 00:22:29,650
I'm like, what do
people do other than drink?
439
00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:32,386
So I was like, I'm
going to get my life together.
That's what I'm going to do.
440
00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:35,289
I'm going to get my
whole fucking life together.
I bought a planner.
441
00:22:37,057 --> 00:22:39,960
First step
that you have to do, right?
Get a planner.
442
00:22:40,027 --> 00:22:43,397
Here's the thing, I found
out that I was never busy.
443
00:22:43,497 --> 00:22:46,033
Just really
hungover all the time.
444
00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:49,469
Because I went to write
in the planner and I was like,
445
00:22:52,539 --> 00:22:53,640
wake up.
446
00:22:57,744 --> 00:22:59,746
And that's all I had
to do for the whole day.
447
00:22:59,980 --> 00:23:01,915
Just fucking make it through.
448
00:23:04,551 --> 00:23:06,353
All right, I'm almost done.
449
00:23:07,821 --> 00:23:09,556
This has been fun. Really.
450
00:23:09,756 --> 00:23:12,059
- [crowd cheering]
- I'm having fun.
Are you guys having fun?
451
00:23:14,361 --> 00:23:15,362
Cool.
452
00:23:16,663 --> 00:23:17,831
You guys getting married?
453
00:23:18,432 --> 00:23:21,001
Anybody in here
getting married soon?
454
00:23:21,201 --> 00:23:22,436
You guys are
getting married soon?
455
00:23:22,669 --> 00:23:23,904
When are you getting married?
456
00:23:24,104 --> 00:23:25,205
[woman] Probably within
the next year.
457
00:23:25,405 --> 00:23:26,607
Probably within the next year.
458
00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:27,874
So you're not even engaged.
459
00:23:27,875 --> 00:23:29,409
Oh, you're engaged.
460
00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:30,944
Okay, wouldn't that be crazy if
you were like,
461
00:23:31,044 --> 00:23:33,013
"Probably within
the next year, right?"
462
00:23:34,982 --> 00:23:36,917
Where's my ring, Johnny?
463
00:23:38,819 --> 00:23:40,787
Have you decided on
a venue or anything like that?
464
00:23:41,788 --> 00:23:44,124
No? Do you know where
you're going to go
for your bachelorette party?
465
00:23:45,726 --> 00:23:47,561
Okay. You're a planner.
466
00:23:47,761 --> 00:23:49,129
You're a planner.
You know what you should get?
467
00:23:49,363 --> 00:23:50,597
You should get a little planner.
468
00:23:52,132 --> 00:23:54,401
It really helps with everything.
469
00:23:54,468 --> 00:23:56,069
Where'd you go on
your bachelorette party?
470
00:23:56,537 --> 00:23:58,572
- Didn't have one.
- You didn't have
a bachelorette party? Okay.
471
00:23:58,772 --> 00:23:59,873
Why?
472
00:24:00,374 --> 00:24:01,942
- I was pregnant.
- Okay.
473
00:24:03,143 --> 00:24:04,645
That's a wedding
in Liberty, Indiana.
474
00:24:04,778 --> 00:24:06,380
It's just like,
475
00:24:06,446 --> 00:24:08,749
you have to wear
the long overflow dress
476
00:24:08,882 --> 00:24:11,385
to cover up your belly
with every wedding there.
477
00:24:12,286 --> 00:24:13,987
I keep having to go on
all these bachelorette parties.
478
00:24:14,087 --> 00:24:15,822
That's like, that's
what I keep having to do.
479
00:24:16,056 --> 00:24:18,659
I went to a bachelorette
party in New Orleans.
480
00:24:19,726 --> 00:24:20,894
Have you guys
heard of this place?
481
00:24:21,094 --> 00:24:22,129
[people] Your hair.
482
00:24:23,263 --> 00:24:24,731
Are we going
to ruin the special?
483
00:24:24,932 --> 00:24:26,500
- Cut it.
- Cut my hair?
484
00:24:26,967 --> 00:24:28,802
[woman] We gotta fix you.
485
00:24:29,503 --> 00:24:31,572
Keep this.
This is actually hilarious.
486
00:24:32,739 --> 00:24:35,475
I have extensions in.
487
00:24:38,478 --> 00:24:39,913
I know I look incredible.
488
00:24:43,750 --> 00:24:45,953
That was actually
the cutest thing
that's ever happened on stage
489
00:24:46,019 --> 00:24:47,788
is somebody just like
fixed my hair for me.
490
00:24:51,491 --> 00:24:53,894
And that's women
empowerment, dude.
491
00:24:55,829 --> 00:24:57,831
Talk shit about
women all you want.
492
00:24:57,931 --> 00:25:00,000
None of you fat, dumb dudes
493
00:25:00,067 --> 00:25:03,003
would have ever came up here
and fixed my hair for me.
494
00:25:04,037 --> 00:25:05,639
In fact, if this
was a guy up here
495
00:25:05,706 --> 00:25:07,107
and his guy friends were here
496
00:25:07,174 --> 00:25:09,476
and he had something
going on with his hair,
497
00:25:09,676 --> 00:25:12,379
they'd be like, "Dude,
look at his hair,
he looks like a fucking idiot."
498
00:25:12,946 --> 00:25:17,317
"We're going to film it and put
it on YouTube tonight because
it's fucking hilarious."
499
00:25:19,820 --> 00:25:21,488
No one hates guys
more than other guys.
500
00:25:21,688 --> 00:25:23,290
You guys are
assholes to each other.
501
00:25:25,292 --> 00:25:27,661
Okay, anyway, I keep going on
all these bachelorette parties.
502
00:25:28,395 --> 00:25:30,631
We went to New Orleans
for the bachelorette party.
503
00:25:31,298 --> 00:25:33,500
That place sucks, dude.
That place sucks.
504
00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:36,336
And I turned so feminist
the minute I walked into
New Orleans
505
00:25:36,537 --> 00:25:39,873
because what you're supposed
to do there is you're supposed
to show your titties for beads.
506
00:25:40,073 --> 00:25:42,242
And I was like,
I'm not showing my tits, guys.
507
00:25:42,476 --> 00:25:45,078
I'm not showing my tits
for 25 cent beads.
508
00:25:45,312 --> 00:25:46,346
I won't do it.
509
00:25:47,414 --> 00:25:48,649
Three tequila shots.
510
00:25:48,849 --> 00:25:50,050
That's about all it takes.
511
00:25:50,250 --> 00:25:53,220
That's all it takes. Right?
512
00:25:54,188 --> 00:25:56,190
I went up to some bar
and I was like, "Whoo!"
513
00:25:56,390 --> 00:25:58,892
Here's what I didn't tell
you guys. I have A-cup
inverted nipple tits.
514
00:25:59,092 --> 00:26:00,827
Um...
515
00:26:01,028 --> 00:26:03,363
So nobody was excited, right?
516
00:26:03,564 --> 00:26:07,201
I did it and some guy
actually came over and
he took my beads away from me.
517
00:26:09,102 --> 00:26:11,271
He's like, "Let's get you home,
little boy.
518
00:26:16,877 --> 00:26:19,012
I was in front of a church
so that was my bad.
519
00:26:19,213 --> 00:26:21,181
I thought it was a bar.
That was my bad.
520
00:26:25,452 --> 00:26:28,021
I like these bachelorette
parties because I can tell
which one of my friends
521
00:26:28,088 --> 00:26:30,357
have gotten more
responsible over time, right?
522
00:26:30,424 --> 00:26:32,926
You can always
tell by the purse, right?
523
00:26:33,126 --> 00:26:36,562
The bigger the purse,
the more responsible they get,
less fun they get.
524
00:26:36,563 --> 00:26:38,799
It's an unfortunate series
of events that happens to them.
525
00:26:39,032 --> 00:26:41,468
You know what I mean?
Because if they have one of
those big purses
526
00:26:41,702 --> 00:26:43,437
that they can whip
over their shoulders,
527
00:26:43,637 --> 00:26:45,973
they're going to figure out
your taxes that night.
528
00:26:47,274 --> 00:26:50,777
"Get in the car"
or whatever mom's say.
I don't know.
529
00:26:50,944 --> 00:26:53,447
And then you have the girls
that have the crossbody bag.
530
00:26:53,514 --> 00:26:57,284
Right? Those are the fun
and responsible girls, right?
531
00:26:58,452 --> 00:27:01,321
Anybody here
a crossbody bag girl?
Fun and responsible.
532
00:27:01,555 --> 00:27:03,756
Looking to get married,
not quite there yet.
533
00:27:03,757 --> 00:27:07,227
Because she can fit
like her keys
and her dignity in there.
534
00:27:07,427 --> 00:27:10,130
- [woman]
And my keys!
- And her keys. Yes.
535
00:27:10,898 --> 00:27:14,401
And then this is a woman
once again, we love women here.
536
00:27:14,468 --> 00:27:16,003
She can strap it on.
537
00:27:16,236 --> 00:27:17,571
She can hold your keys.
538
00:27:17,771 --> 00:27:19,072
She can fuck you
with that on. Like that...
539
00:27:22,109 --> 00:27:26,113
And then there's those girls
that just have like the
irresponsibility pocket
540
00:27:26,313 --> 00:27:27,848
on the back of their phone.
541
00:27:28,081 --> 00:27:30,250
You know what I'm talking about?
542
00:27:30,317 --> 00:27:33,754
It's just got an ID
and a debit card in there.
That's all they need.
543
00:27:33,954 --> 00:27:35,956
They just show up.
They're like,
"I don't even have keys."
544
00:27:36,156 --> 00:27:39,092
"I lost them to
a DUI like three years ago."
545
00:27:40,327 --> 00:27:43,964
But they're the funnest person
on the bachelorette party.
I can tell you that.
546
00:27:44,164 --> 00:27:45,365
You'll never find them again.
547
00:27:45,599 --> 00:27:46,633
You'll see them
on the first night.
548
00:27:46,834 --> 00:27:48,268
They show up the last day
549
00:27:48,468 --> 00:27:50,204
with just like sticks
and mud in their hair.
550
00:27:50,437 --> 00:27:52,339
They're just like,
"That was the best time
of my life."
551
00:27:55,876 --> 00:27:57,711
I love being back here.
I love being
back in the Midwest.
552
00:27:57,778 --> 00:27:59,947
I hate living in New York.
It's fine.
553
00:28:00,614 --> 00:28:02,349
[sighs] I hate it.
554
00:28:04,818 --> 00:28:07,721
It's very, it's very fun.
But I miss,
I miss the Midwest a lot.
555
00:28:07,955 --> 00:28:09,656
I grew up in Liberty, Indiana.
556
00:28:09,857 --> 00:28:12,359
[crowd cheering]
557
00:28:12,559 --> 00:28:14,394
Nobody ever cheers for that.
558
00:28:14,628 --> 00:28:15,629
So this is different.
559
00:28:16,630 --> 00:28:18,232
It's a, it's a beautiful city.
560
00:28:18,465 --> 00:28:20,400
If you guys haven't been
there, it is very beautiful.
561
00:28:20,634 --> 00:28:23,504
Um, everyone grows
their own meth there.
562
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,374
Very beautiful.
563
00:28:28,075 --> 00:28:30,077
Everyone there is just like,
we still think Myrtle Beach
564
00:28:30,143 --> 00:28:32,846
is a good place
to go on vacation.
565
00:28:34,748 --> 00:28:36,683
Grew up
a little bit white trash.
566
00:28:37,084 --> 00:28:38,819
I didn't know
that I was white trash though.
567
00:28:38,952 --> 00:28:42,022
Anybody here accidentally
find out they're white trash?
568
00:28:43,390 --> 00:28:45,526
It hurts.
I didn't know
until I got to college.
569
00:28:45,726 --> 00:28:48,362
I joined a sorority in college
570
00:28:48,395 --> 00:28:52,065
and they asked me one time,
they were like, "Sarah, what's
the first drug you ever did?"
571
00:28:52,232 --> 00:28:54,735
They're like,
"Was it Molly or weed?"
572
00:28:55,235 --> 00:28:58,338
And without skipping a beat,
I had to look these three girls
dead in the eye and I was like,
573
00:28:58,438 --> 00:29:01,408
"One time when I was 13,
I tried huffing gas."
574
00:29:05,412 --> 00:29:07,181
I was like, "Is that drugs?"
575
00:29:08,282 --> 00:29:10,884
They're like, "I don't know,
but we're so scared of you."
576
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,289
They're like, "Spencer's never
gonna like you, knowing that."
577
00:29:15,355 --> 00:29:17,925
And I was like,
"Spencer's also a bitch.
Not really interested."
578
00:29:18,025 --> 00:29:20,561
Spencer also makes all
you ladies wait in line to get
to the bars.
579
00:29:20,661 --> 00:29:23,897
I had sex with the line cook so
we can get in through the back.
580
00:29:23,997 --> 00:29:27,267
You know, like
whose side are you on?
581
00:29:29,937 --> 00:29:31,872
I feel like when I tell people
that I grew up white trash,
582
00:29:31,939 --> 00:29:34,308
they automatically
assume that I grew up poor.
583
00:29:34,441 --> 00:29:37,276
We did when I was younger,
but we came into like a large
lump sum
584
00:29:37,277 --> 00:29:39,179
of cash really fast
585
00:29:39,246 --> 00:29:42,249
and I won't bore you guys
with the details,
but it was the lottery.
586
00:29:44,484 --> 00:29:49,022
Like the worst thing that you
can give to white trash people
though is money. Right?
587
00:29:49,089 --> 00:29:52,326
Because we didn't
know what to do with it.
588
00:29:52,559 --> 00:29:57,431
So we just started buying things
we thought rich people bought.
589
00:29:57,631 --> 00:30:00,100
Like the first thing
that my dad bought
with the money,
590
00:30:00,167 --> 00:30:02,936
I wish I was
making this up, was a limo.
591
00:30:08,475 --> 00:30:09,843
A limousine.
592
00:30:10,844 --> 00:30:12,479
It didn't even run.
593
00:30:15,616 --> 00:30:17,518
It just kind of sat in our yard
594
00:30:17,751 --> 00:30:20,153
as the biggest
yard ornament that we had.
595
00:30:25,459 --> 00:30:27,928
I was 13 when this happened.
Right?
596
00:30:28,128 --> 00:30:32,466
So I didn't realize that this
was some like white trash
treasure thing to do. Right?
597
00:30:32,966 --> 00:30:34,868
Like my bullies be baffled.
598
00:30:34,935 --> 00:30:36,403
They'd be like,
"You have buck teeth."
599
00:30:36,503 --> 00:30:39,540
And I'd be like, "And a limo."
600
00:30:42,643 --> 00:30:43,644
Yeah.
601
00:30:45,045 --> 00:30:48,649
Yeah. So watch your mouth
when you're talking to me,
Dylan, okay?
602
00:30:55,489 --> 00:30:56,957
You just gotta buy shit, dude.
603
00:30:57,157 --> 00:31:00,227
We bought a pool,
above ground, of course.
604
00:31:01,862 --> 00:31:03,564
We could afford
the in-ground one,
605
00:31:03,797 --> 00:31:05,365
we just didn't know
they came like that.
606
00:31:08,635 --> 00:31:10,537
Nobody taught us how
to take care of it either.
607
00:31:10,737 --> 00:31:12,039
You know that family,
608
00:31:12,239 --> 00:31:13,907
you go to their pool
and it's just green.
609
00:31:15,742 --> 00:31:18,312
You jump into it,
you're like, why is it slippery?
610
00:31:20,147 --> 00:31:22,049
The house is nice, but gross.
You're playing that little game,
611
00:31:22,249 --> 00:31:23,984
see who can
slide down it the fastest.
612
00:31:27,054 --> 00:31:29,590
My cousin, he bought this
really nice boat with the money,
613
00:31:29,823 --> 00:31:32,593
but he was also my dad. And...
614
00:31:38,398 --> 00:31:40,434
I did think my dad was my cousin
615
00:31:40,667 --> 00:31:43,504
because he is,
but it's just my third cousin
so it's not a big deal.
616
00:31:46,273 --> 00:31:49,943
So I bought my whole family
those Ancestry DNA tests
for Christmas, right?
617
00:31:50,177 --> 00:31:51,945
I was like, I'll ruin a holiday.
I don't care.
618
00:31:54,615 --> 00:31:56,416
I don't have a job.
I get to do this.
619
00:31:56,517 --> 00:31:59,186
I'll ruin
a holiday for this joke.
620
00:31:59,620 --> 00:32:01,088
When you take those little
Ancestry DNA tests,
621
00:32:01,288 --> 00:32:02,890
it kind of tells you
where you're from, right?
622
00:32:03,056 --> 00:32:08,295
It'll be like 90% Wales,
9% Sweden, 1% Congo on mine.
623
00:32:09,963 --> 00:32:12,132
Yeah. I was running this joke
by one of my friends though.
624
00:32:12,366 --> 00:32:15,669
She thought the part
where I said I'm 90% Wales
was the joke.
625
00:32:21,909 --> 00:32:23,744
She's like, "Don't
say you're a whale, Sarah.
626
00:32:23,944 --> 00:32:25,812
You're not even that big!?
627
00:32:29,249 --> 00:32:33,320
I was like, I'm sorry I don't
drink kale smoothies
and do cocaine like you, Katie.
628
00:32:36,823 --> 00:32:38,258
Here's a little back
story about my friend Katie.
629
00:32:38,358 --> 00:32:39,892
My friend Katie is
absolutely beautiful, okay?
630
00:32:39,893 --> 00:32:41,728
She's the type of beautiful
I know she's never
631
00:32:41,795 --> 00:32:44,064
had to use her mouth
to try and save a relationship
632
00:32:44,131 --> 00:32:46,332
and I think
that's great for her, you know?
633
00:32:46,333 --> 00:32:49,303
She is dumb though.
She's very dumb. Um...
634
00:32:50,304 --> 00:32:52,806
Like she's an anti-vaxxer
635
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:55,175
but then she does drugs.
636
00:32:58,445 --> 00:33:00,714
I'm like, have we tried
selling the vaccine to her
637
00:33:00,781 --> 00:33:03,083
in a little baggie from
some dude named Derek?
638
00:33:05,252 --> 00:33:07,454
She'll try it, I swear.
She loves vaccines.
639
00:33:07,521 --> 00:33:09,289
You just gotta
crush them up for her.
640
00:33:12,492 --> 00:33:14,328
She's always doing
these weird diets, man.
641
00:33:14,428 --> 00:33:15,829
You know, she's vegan
642
00:33:16,029 --> 00:33:17,965
so she won't drink cow's milk
643
00:33:18,165 --> 00:33:22,069
but then she'll let dudes
that sell cryptocurrency
cum into her mouth.
644
00:33:24,338 --> 00:33:27,040
I'm like, I think you got your
liquid priorities wrong, Katie.
645
00:33:32,179 --> 00:33:34,748
She's always trying to get me
to do these weird diets
with her, right?
646
00:33:34,815 --> 00:33:37,184
She's like, "Oh Sarah, why don't
you try and eat some fruit?"
647
00:33:37,384 --> 00:33:38,619
"Have you ever eaten fruit?"
648
00:33:39,253 --> 00:33:42,322
I was like, I don't think I had
water until I was like 19, so.
649
00:33:43,490 --> 00:33:45,325
No, I'm not a big fruit gal.
650
00:33:45,526 --> 00:33:46,792
She's like,
you should try pineapple.
651
00:33:46,793 --> 00:33:48,327
Pineapple's not only
good for you,
652
00:33:48,328 --> 00:33:51,265
it also makes your
pH taste better, right?
653
00:33:52,299 --> 00:33:54,468
Are you guys familiar with this
or are you guys a bunch of
dirties?
654
00:33:57,871 --> 00:33:59,238
Makes everything
taste better, right?
655
00:33:59,239 --> 00:34:00,440
And I was like,
"That's great, Katie,
656
00:34:00,474 --> 00:34:03,410
but like, I'm a millennial
so I'm just trying to figure out
657
00:34:03,443 --> 00:34:06,880
what fruit I have to eat
to make my asshole taste better.
658
00:34:14,254 --> 00:34:15,989
I figured it out, it's a banana.
659
00:34:17,824 --> 00:34:19,593
Yeah, you don't
even have to eat it.
660
00:34:27,401 --> 00:34:30,403
I did find out that I'm 1% black
from that Ancestry DNA test
661
00:34:30,404 --> 00:34:32,406
and I was like, 1% black DNA,
like, not a lot.
662
00:34:32,472 --> 00:34:35,209
How could
that have happened, right? Um...
663
00:34:35,409 --> 00:34:37,711
But it is a mouth swab test.
664
00:34:45,752 --> 00:34:49,556
So I think I probably should've
just brushed my teeth
before I took it.
665
00:34:51,225 --> 00:34:54,361
My boyfriend is here, you can't
say that in front of him.
666
00:34:57,564 --> 00:35:00,100
Oh yeah, Morgan's in
an interracial relationship,
that's cute.
667
00:35:00,300 --> 00:35:02,402
I'm in an interracial
relationship as well
668
00:35:02,603 --> 00:35:06,106
and it's crazy that
my boyfriend still has to
deal with racism, right?
669
00:35:06,373 --> 00:35:07,708
To this day.
670
00:35:07,908 --> 00:35:09,710
From my grandma. And...
671
00:35:11,745 --> 00:35:12,779
I'm kidding.
672
00:35:12,813 --> 00:35:14,548
My grandpa's
pretty bad about it too.
673
00:35:15,782 --> 00:35:17,518
We're working on it, you know?
674
00:35:17,584 --> 00:35:22,723
And I don't think
we can blame old people
for being racist, right?
675
00:35:22,789 --> 00:35:26,159
We can't really blame them.
I'm not saying
that she's a smart person, okay?
676
00:35:26,393 --> 00:35:29,630
She's got an 8th grade education
from the hills of
Kentucky, alright?
677
00:35:30,397 --> 00:35:32,132
They're not smart people.
678
00:35:32,633 --> 00:35:34,800
I know that she's not like
the smartest person in the world
679
00:35:34,801 --> 00:35:36,837
because she named my dad Rancer.
680
00:35:42,075 --> 00:35:44,511
R-A-N-C-E R.
681
00:35:44,745 --> 00:35:46,613
It feels like
my grandma was just like,
682
00:35:47,581 --> 00:35:49,249
"I like these letters."
683
00:35:54,288 --> 00:35:55,689
"Put 'em together."
684
00:35:59,526 --> 00:36:01,828
I asked her, I was like,
how'd you come up with
the name Rancer?
685
00:36:01,895 --> 00:36:04,264
And she's like, "Well,
originally I liked
the name Rance."
686
00:36:06,466 --> 00:36:08,135
You guys
familiar with that name?
687
00:36:08,635 --> 00:36:11,305
Yeah, she's like, "But then
I wanted to add an R
to the end of it."
688
00:36:11,371 --> 00:36:15,475
And I was like, "Damn,
she would add the hard R
to a made-up name."
689
00:36:15,676 --> 00:36:18,579
All right, guys,
I'm Sarah Huntington.
Thank you guys so much.
690
00:36:18,679 --> 00:36:21,882
[crowd cheering]
691
00:36:22,115 --> 00:36:25,319
[gentle music playing]