1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

3
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:14,347
[in deep voice] This is the lowest
my voice goes.

4
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,474
[in normal voice] Oh my gosh, Ali Wong.

5
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:18,351
Jerry.

6
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:21,396
My parents?

7
00:00:21,479 --> 00:00:24,733
[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen
and everyone in between.

8
00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:27,402
-It's time to introduce my former lover.
-Oh, Tina and Amy.

9
00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:30,321
-Yeah, that makes more sense.
-Oops, how did that slip out?

10
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:35,785
Please put your hands together
for your pal and mine, Sarah Silverman.

11
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,496
[audience cheering, whistling]

12
00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:51,885
Thank you. Aw.

13
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,721
[audience cheering, whistling]

14
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,766
Wow. Uh, wow!

15
00:01:03,521 --> 00:01:04,856
I accept.

16
00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:06,566
[audience laughing]

17
00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:11,279
If this doesn't bookend with that,
it's… it will be a failure. But…

18
00:01:11,362 --> 00:01:14,574
I'm concerned you're setting
yourselves up for disappointment.

19
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:16,659
But I'm so happy that you're here,

20
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,995
and I'm so happy
to be here in New York City…

21
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,081
-[audience applauding, whooping]
-Ah!

22
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,210
…at the Beacon Theatre.

23
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:28,880
And I… This is actually
the middle of my tour.

24
00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:33,426
And, uh, I've come to really love
being on the road, especially now.

25
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,178
You know, just, one,

26
00:01:35,678 --> 00:01:38,973
because I really love
connecting with audiences,

27
00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:40,600
you know, now more than ever.

28
00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:43,895
And, two, because I've really become a, a…

29
00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,522
a real hotel slut.

30
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,190
I, um…

31
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:50,485
I just love when a hotel is really nice.

32
00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:53,738
You know how… You know how you can tell
if a hotel is fancy?

33
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,990
If you come back to your room

34
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:58,618
and where you left off
in your toilet paper

35
00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:01,788
has been folded in a perfect triangle.

36
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:07,544
I mean, there's just, I mean,
nothing more luxurious than, um,

37
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:12,090
knowing that a stranger's fingers…

38
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:14,425
-Uh…
-[audience laughing]

39
00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:15,844
…have handled

40
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:21,641
something that you will press
to your asshole at some point for sure.

41
00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:23,351
Mm!

42
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,523
It really is how the other half lives.

43
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:29,607
And, um…

44
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:34,445
I've been with my boyfriend…
[hesitates] …Rory, for five years.

45
00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:37,532
I should be able to say his name better,
but it's ridiculous.

46
00:02:37,615 --> 00:02:39,659
[stilted] Rory. Rory.

47
00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:45,206
But, you know, it's enough time that
we do things to jazz things up a little.

48
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:48,209
Like, uh, lately
I've taken to jerking him off

49
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,503
with my non-dominant hand.

50
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,130
[audience laughing]

51
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:54,340
Which is great, you know,

52
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:57,343
'cause it feels
like someone else is doing it.

53
00:02:58,094 --> 00:02:59,012
And, uh…

54
00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:05,059
I was actually a little bit proud
of myself when I thought of that joke.

55
00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:10,398
And Rory was sleeping next to me,
and I woke him up and told it to him.

56
00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:13,943
He goes, "Yeah, that's good.
You know what we call that?"

57
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,279
[audience members] The Stranger.

58
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:18,948
-"The Stranger."
-[audience laughing]

59
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,658
Everybody knows but me.

60
00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,535
I had never heard that before.

61
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,372
And, you know, it's just crazy
because I always feel like, um,

62
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:31,878
women, in general, are more familiar
with, uh, the experience of a man.

63
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:34,505
We need to see the world
through a male lens

64
00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:36,341
in order to just survive.

65
00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:40,511
Men don't need to do that, but, um…
Yeah, this one got by me.

66
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:41,721
"The Stranger."

67
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:46,226
I love it. He goes,
"Yeah, like, uh, I'll use my left hand,

68
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:50,271
or sometimes I… I'll sit on my hand
to numb it up a little."

69
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,774
[audience laughing]

70
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,486
I mean, swoon.

71
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,659
And, well, I think this is normal, like…

72
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:06,913
We'll do things with sex,
like we'll start talking fantasy talk

73
00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:08,873
sometimes during sex, like…

74
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:13,378
One time, we were fooling around,
and this just came out of my mouth.

75
00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:14,504
I-I didn't plan it.

76
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:18,424
And I go, "You just showed up
at my summer camp."

77
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,177
[audience laughing]

78
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:26,641
And even he was like…

79
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:27,850
[disgusted groan]

80
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,061
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

81
00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:31,813
But he saved it.

82
00:04:31,896 --> 00:04:34,565
He goes, uh, "But you,
like, own the camp, right?"

83
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,609
I go, "Yeah. Yes."

84
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,779
"I own the camp. Yes."

85
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:45,410
Uh, oh, another time, I was on top of him…

86
00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:47,203
What, do I go side to side?

87
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,288
I… Whatever.

88
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,999
The position doesn't even matter,
but we were doing it.

89
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:52,458
And then he goes, he's like,

90
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:56,129
"This is so crazy.
Like, I don't even know your last name."

91
00:04:56,754 --> 00:05:00,008
And, you know, I'm playing along,
and I said, um,

92
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,259
"It's Hitler."

93
00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:03,720
-And…
-[audience laughing]

94
00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:13,187
He came immediately, which was…

95
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:16,065
-[audience applauding]
-…a little disconcerting.

96
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,234
Right here. Right between my…

97
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,903
[audience laughing, applauding]

98
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,698
…my upper lip and my nose bottom.

99
00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:31,080
Oh, my dad and my stepmom Janice

100
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:34,250
both died last May, nine days apart.

101
00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:36,836
And… Oh, that one needs work.

102
00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:38,921
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

103
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,256
But they really did,

104
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:44,135
and, uh, I was really close
with both of them.

105
00:05:44,635 --> 00:05:50,433
And my dad was my best friend,
and, uh, they both gave me so much.

106
00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:55,271
And most recently, about an hour
of new material, so let's do this.

107
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,982
[audience whooping, applauding]

108
00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,067
Good.

109
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,152
[audience cheering]

110
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,154
All right, uh…

111
00:06:04,655 --> 00:06:07,283
Let me introduce the characters involved.

112
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,579
Uh, first, my dad,
Donald "Schleppy" Silverman.

113
00:06:11,662 --> 00:06:14,499
Everybody called him Schleppy. Uh…

114
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:17,919
-Born in Boston, then his family moved to…
-[audience members cheering]

115
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:19,796
-You've heard of it?
-[audience laughing]

116
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:24,008
You're like, "I'm from Boston."
You're from Quincy. But, uh… [chuckles]

117
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:30,348
Uh, they moved to New Hampshire,
and that's where I was born and raised.

118
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:31,599
And, uh,

119
00:06:31,682 --> 00:06:34,811
my dad owned
a discount women's clothing store

120
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:37,522
called Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.

121
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:42,860
It's funny. When I tell people
I'm from New Hampshire, they'll go,

122
00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:44,946
"There are Jews in New Hampshire?"

123
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:47,365
Then I have to explain to them
that, you know,

124
00:06:47,448 --> 00:06:49,742
even New Hampshire deserves retail.

125
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,202
And, uh…

126
00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:53,287
[audience laughing]

127
00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:57,125
He'd do his own radio ads.
He'd be like, "I'm Crazy Donny."

128
00:06:57,208 --> 00:07:00,253
"When I see the prices at the mall,
I just wanna vomit!"

129
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:04,382
And then he'd rattle off
a bunch of off-brand brands.

130
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:07,927
And then at the end, he'd go,
"If you care enough to buy the very best,

131
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:10,847
but you're too cheap,
come to Crazy Sophie's!"

132
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:16,018
It… You know, I think he named it because…
Um, Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.

133
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,897
He… He loved Crazy Eddie from New York,
you know, in the '80s?

134
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:22,400
-And he wanted to do something like that.
-[audience whooping]

135
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:23,443
And, uh…

136
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:28,448
But he needed it to be a woman's name
'cause it's women's discount clothes.

137
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:32,702
And then, you know, we're Jewish,
so he wanted to sneak in a Jewish-y name,

138
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:35,997
so he picked Sophie,
Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.

139
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:39,041
And my nana, his mom,
was very upset because

140
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:42,587
her best friend back in Boston
was Sophie Moskowitz.

141
00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:46,841
And she felt
that he was calling her crazy.

142
00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:49,635
And, uh, he explained to her,

143
00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:52,346
"Mom, if I named the store
after Sophie Moskowitz,

144
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,057
I'd call it Ugly Sophie's Factory Outlet."

145
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,185
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

146
00:07:57,852 --> 00:08:00,813
And I thought that story was so funny,
so years ago,

147
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,982
I told it on a talk show,

148
00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,193
and I didn't realize at the time

149
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:08,738
that, um, Sophie Moskowitz
was still with us.

150
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,907
-[audience laughing]
-And, um…

151
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:16,412
It caused much tsuris
between the families.

152
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:20,625
But I… I did make absolute sure, um,

153
00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:22,877
that she's dead now, so…

154
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,254
[audience laughing]

155
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:29,884
My dad, uh, he called me every Saturday,

156
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:34,388
and I almost never picked up the phone
because his messages were gold.

157
00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:36,849
And I committed
a couple of them to memory.

158
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:42,063
I remember one was around the time
when everybody had cell phones,

159
00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:44,398
like, even in New Hampshire, you know?

160
00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:48,027
And he calls me, and he goes,
"Guess where I am?"

161
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:50,655
"The car wash. Can you believe it?"

162
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,658
"I'm talking into this hunk of plastic,

163
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:56,994
and it's bouncing off the sky
and down to you."

164
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:58,955
The sky. Yeah.

165
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,749
And then he just starts going,

166
00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:03,125
"Oy."

167
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,586
"Oy!"

168
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:07,964
"Oy!"

169
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:11,509
His windows were down.

170
00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:13,511
[audience laughing]

171
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:20,476
And I was listening to him
get soaked for several minutes.

172
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:26,023
That is a very specific oy from my dad.

173
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,776
I haven't heard it a lot. Um…

174
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:34,615
We went to exactly one movie together,
uh, when I was younger. Um…

175
00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:37,785
It seemed like the perfect movie
by the title, but it really wasn't.

176
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,954
It was called Boys Don't Cry.

177
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:43,833
Brilliant film,
but don't go see it with your dad.

178
00:09:44,625 --> 00:09:45,668
And, uh…

179
00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:50,131
There's an absolutely brutal
sexual assault scene.

180
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:53,884
And during it,
the entire theater is silent,

181
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,095
and all you can hear is,

182
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:58,055
"Oy."

183
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,266
[audience laughing]

184
00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:01,267
"Oy!"

185
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,772
The other message
I committed to memory was, uh…

186
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:07,982
[laughs softly]

187
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,861
I had… I had moved to Los Angeles,

188
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,781
and I was getting jobs,
like, on TV shows and stuff.

189
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,451
And, uh, he calls me up, and he goes,

190
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:22,371
"I know you're
a real Hollywood hotshot now."

191
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:26,000
"Maybe you could find time
in your busy schedule

192
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,711
to call back the guy who gave you life."

193
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:30,588
[audience laughing]

194
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:35,051
And then it sounds like he's hanging up,
but he gets, like, a new idea and he goes,

195
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:39,930
"I used to lift up your little legs
and wipe the shit out of your tuchus."

196
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:42,058
[audience laughing]

197
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,145
"Maybe you can find a minute for me."

198
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:52,318
He… He really loved getting old.

199
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,444
He loved it.

200
00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:57,573
He, he, he knew he was adorable.
He loved what he could get away with.

201
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,659
We were at a sandwich shop in LA.

202
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:03,204
And we're eating,
and these two huge muscle guys

203
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:06,916
walk over to him
and start, like, threatening him, like…

204
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,125
[grunts]

205
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,920
And he's laughing, and they leave,
and I'm like, "What was that?"

206
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:17,051
He goes, "Oh, I went to refill my Coke,
and then I saw those two big muscle guys."

207
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:20,096
"So I walked over there,
and I go, 'You know what?'"

208
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,515
"I feel like kicking some ass."

209
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,558
[audience laughing]

210
00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:27,019
With his little nubby elbows.

211
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:33,609
He had sacks of water
that just hung off of both of his elbows.

212
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:37,321
Uh, you know, even the doctor goes,
"I can drain those."

213
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,115
He said, "Nah,

214
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,283
my grandkids like it."

215
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,411
[audience laughing]

216
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:45,663
Oh, I was home.

217
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:50,251
Uh, I took a quick break from tour
to go home for the holidays.

218
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,253
And, uh, at that time,

219
00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:54,255
I, um, went and got my teeth cleaned

220
00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:57,425
because, of course,
death creeps in through the gums.

221
00:11:57,508 --> 00:12:01,554
And, uh, my dad and I had
the same dentist,

222
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:04,640
uh, Dr. Hernandez,
so it was fun to see him.

223
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,226
And he's cleaning my teeth, and he goes,

224
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,519
"I miss your dad!"

225
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,688
And I go, "I know, I miss him too."

226
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:15,067
And he goes, "No, you don't understand.
You have to look at my Yelp page."

227
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:18,904
[audience laughing]

228
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:22,408
So this is a little addition
on this half of the tour.

229
00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:24,869
Oh, fuck, I don't have, um…

230
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:27,621
I'm not wearing my glasses
'cause I'm shooting a special.

231
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,707
Somebody throw me some readers. Uh…

232
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,002
Just one of you. Some of you. Uh…

233
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,588
You know, don't panic. Um…

234
00:12:35,671 --> 00:12:37,423
[audience laughing]

235
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,467
Just chuck 'em right up on stage.

236
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,386
Readers don't have,
like, a specific… Okay!

237
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,096
[audience applauding]

238
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,432
[audience whooping]

239
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:47,600
Was that you?

240
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:52,438
Ooh.

241
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,233
What do you clean these with, salami?

242
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,277
-[audience laughing]
-All right.

243
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,862
I'm kidding. Be grateful.

244
00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:01,071
I appreciate you.

245
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:05,868
This is my dad's Yelp review.

246
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,162
"Five stars."

247
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:13,167
"My dentist theory is,
if it doesn't hurt, don't fix it."

248
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:16,587
"At 84, this has worked
pretty good for me."

249
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:20,549
"Now, I finally find
an exception to my rule."

250
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:24,261
"And that exception is James Hernandez."

251
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:28,265
"No time is wasted
with Jimmy at the helm."

252
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,267
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

253
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:32,353
"He has golden hands,

254
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:36,148
fixing what ails your mouth
promptly and efficiently."

255
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,903
"Get rid of your old shit dentist,
and switch to the best."

256
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,405
"Tell him Schleppy sent you."

257
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,991
[audience laughing, cheering]

258
00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,123
[audience applauding]

259
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:56,585
Oh my God.

260
00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,588
So funny.

261
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,883
Uh, he called himself a reverse snob,

262
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:07,221
which I tried to explain to him
is really just a snob, you know, and, uh…

263
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,557
But he hated rich people.

264
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,018
And they would go to Florida
in the winters for a while

265
00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,020
'cause Jewish law, and…

266
00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:16,564
[audience laughing]

267
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:21,151
He would, uh… He'd sit at the Starbucks
and heckle people.

268
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:26,740
He's sitting there, and a guy in a Bentley
pulls into one of the spots.

269
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:29,577
And my dad stands
at the head of it and starts going…

270
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,247
"Good for you!"

271
00:14:34,915 --> 00:14:37,001
"Good for you.
You got yourself a Bentley."

272
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:39,670
"That could probably feed
100,000 people in Africa."

273
00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:42,089
"But you need a Bentley. Good for you."

274
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:44,341
[audience laughing]

275
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,802
My stepmother, she's like,
"I don't know what's going on."

276
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,097
"Your father's been punched in the face
three winters in a row."

277
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,184
Like, if he saw anyone
with a Rolex, he'd be like,

278
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:55,394
"Oh, nice Rolex."

279
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:59,440
"My Timex was 30 bucks,
and I can swim in it, but good for you."

280
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:03,068
"You need a Rolex.
Now everybody knows you're rich."

281
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:04,528
[chuckles]

282
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,947
He really fucking hated rich people

283
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:08,741
until I started making money.

284
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:12,953
Then he was like,
"I'm never flying coach again."

285
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,914
[audience laughing]

286
00:15:15,497 --> 00:15:20,878
Uh, next, my mother,
my biological mother, Beth Ann O'Hara.

287
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:23,255
And I know some of you are…

288
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:24,840
Your wheels are spinning.

289
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,092
She married an Irish Catholic man.

290
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:30,137
She's fully Jewish.
You can still jerk off to me.

291
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,015
-Um…
-[audience laughing, applauding]

292
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,770
Beth Ann died eight years ago.

293
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:40,314
And, um… Let me describe her.

294
00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:44,276
She was… She was just a natural beauty,
no makeup.

295
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:45,527
She wore, like,

296
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:49,615
overalls with paint all over them
'cause she'd paint in them,

297
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:53,786
and, um, like, two different color socks.

298
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,121
And, uh, she had a jewelry box,

299
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:59,291
but it was filled
with, like, political pins.

300
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:03,671
And like, you know, no bra,
nipples out 'cause fuck the man.

301
00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:07,800
And then, in contrast to that,
her personality was…

302
00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:11,136
She… I don't… This isn't an original way
to describe her,

303
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:15,557
but she really was exactly
Diane Chambers from Cheers.

304
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,354
Like, she really said, like…
[enunciates] …when and where, and…

305
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:26,110
you know, grammar and diction
and enunciation were her passions.

306
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:29,989
We… l remember being with her as a kid.
We were ordering food.

307
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,073
And she goes, um,

308
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,618
"I'll have the breakfast croissant."

309
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,705
And, you know,
we live in Manchester, New Hampshire.

310
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:40,249
They say "avocaydo" there. I…

311
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:42,501
I'm like, "Mom…"

312
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:44,920
The girl's like, "The what?"

313
00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:48,215
"The croissant, the breakfast croissant."

314
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,467
I'm like, "Mom, it's a Croissan'wich."

315
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,762
"We're at Burger King.
Like, meet people where they're at."

316
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,848
[audience laughing]

317
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:58,851
She, um…

318
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:00,394
She was a director.

319
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:03,856
She directed local theater
in Manchester, New Hampshire.

320
00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:06,108
And she was a born director.

321
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:10,029
You know, little notes,
little corrections for everyone she met.

322
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:14,241
Never met a comment card
she didn't fill out.

323
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:15,909
-Um…
-[audience laughing]

324
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:19,246
She was actually the voice
of our local movie theater,

325
00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:21,373
uh, Bedford Mall Cinemas.

326
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:27,296
Um, "Where all bargain matinees are
only two dollars Monday through Saturday."

327
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:31,341
And she got the job, um,
because she complained.

328
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,010
[audience laughing]

329
00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:37,264
She went right in and said,
"I called to see what movies were playing,

330
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:40,184
and the man on the line
was indecipherable."

331
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:43,395
"He had no diction. I couldn't understand
a word he was saying."

332
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,189
They were like, "You wanna do it?"

333
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:46,273
She was like,

334
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:50,861
"I… [chuckles] Well, I don't know. I…"

335
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:52,362
"Yes!"

336
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:53,781
"Yes! Okay!"

337
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,366
And, uh, a star was born.

338
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,370
She really never lied.

339
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:04,625
It would never occur to her to lie,
even to, like, protect someone's feelings.

340
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:07,669
She just… She just didn't do it,
you know? Like, uh…

341
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:08,921
She was directing a play,

342
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:12,299
and, and one of her young actresses
asked her, you know,

343
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:15,219
"Beth Ann, do you think
I could really make it someday?"

344
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,762
And she said, "No!"

345
00:18:16,845 --> 00:18:18,847
[audience laughing]

346
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:23,685
The only reason I know that story was
I was asking my sister Susie

347
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:27,106
if she had any stories about Mom,
and she told that to me, and I said,

348
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,150
"How do you know that? Were you there?"
And she said, "No."

349
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:34,071
"Mom told me 'cause she couldn't
figure out why that girl was crying."

350
00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:36,156
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

351
00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:39,993
That girl…

352
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:42,287
Pam Sullivan.

353
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:45,290
Right. You've never heard of her, right?

354
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:46,959
[audience laughing]

355
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:48,043
Not talented.

356
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,963
Did not have it.

357
00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:53,298
[audience laughing]

358
00:18:56,343 --> 00:18:58,053
But, you know, she was my mom.

359
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:02,099
I… You know, I sat with her
as she was dying.

360
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:03,976
And I was holding her hand,

361
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:06,854
and it was a quiet moment.

362
00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:11,733
And it was the last thing she said to me,
and she looked up, and she said,

363
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,026
"Your hair."

364
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:15,654
[whispers] "It's so dry."

365
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:17,739
[audience laughing]

366
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:24,997
I really wouldn't change it
for the world, you know?

367
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,166
I know it sounds like
I'm being hard on her,

368
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,876
but honestly, I'm so grateful.

369
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:32,713
She always told me the truth,
and it was a bummer a lot of the time.

370
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:36,425
But sometimes it was something nice,
and then I knew it was true, you know?

371
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:40,679
I mean, I think we need more Beth Anns
in the world, you know?

372
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:43,432
Uh, if we're lacking anything
in this world right now,

373
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,767
it's… it's truth, you know?

374
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:48,145
[audience whooping, whistling]

375
00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:52,357
The cold, hard, braless nipples of truth.

376
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:54,318
[audience applauding]

377
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:57,237
Enter Janice, my wicked stepmother,

378
00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,948
um, as she called herself.

379
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:03,076
She was just the sweetest lady
you could ever meet.

380
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:04,536
Um…

381
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,456
Just to give you a, um… idea.

382
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,917
Like, bleach-blonde hair.

383
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,710
Face full of makeup.

384
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,795
Nails that match the shoes.

385
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,297
A whole outfit.

386
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:19,551
She had a style.
Very different from my mother. Um…

387
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,220
And so sweet.

388
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,933
And one time, she picked me up after work,
and I got in the car,

389
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:28,477
and she said,
"What do you think of my makeup?"

390
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:31,563
And, uh, because I am
my mother's daughter…

391
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,232
[audience laughing]

392
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,234
…I did have several notes.

393
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,779
But because I was also Janice's daughter,

394
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:42,157
I did know to shut the fuck up
and tell her it was beautiful.

395
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:47,788
And honestly, thank God I did,
um, because then she said,

396
00:20:47,871 --> 00:20:49,373
"It's tattooed!"

397
00:20:49,456 --> 00:20:51,458
[audience laughing]

398
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:57,547
Janice was very literal.

399
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,426
What do I mean by that? I don't even know,
but she, she needed, like,

400
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:03,553
specific instructions, you know?

401
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,139
She wasn't dumb. She was literal.
She needed…

402
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:10,060
She was very good at sports, for instance,
'cause she could learn each step.

403
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,647
You know, like… You know how, like,
I put my hair in a ponytail?

404
00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:14,940
It's just like… [babbling]

405
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:17,025
You know? I feel like she'd be like,

406
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:20,195
"You pull the hair through,
and then you twist."

407
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:21,780
"Then you put the hair through that."

408
00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:24,116
You know what I mean? She's very step-by…

409
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:27,411
You know how you scramble an egg?
You just gotta kinda have a feel for it.

410
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:30,539
I feel like Janice would be like,
"You put the fork in,

411
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:33,542
and then you put it in
a hundred little circles."

412
00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:35,627
[audience laughing]

413
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:40,257
I was in the car with her, and, uh, I go,

414
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,342
"Janice, do you have any ChapStick?"

415
00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:44,553
And she looks, and she goes,

416
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:46,763
[tuts] "Oh, shit."

417
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:50,267
"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, I don't."

418
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:51,935
And I go, "It's okay."

419
00:21:52,019 --> 00:21:54,354
And then, like, a moment later, she goes,

420
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:58,108
"I have something called
Vaseline Lip Therapy."

421
00:21:58,191 --> 00:22:00,277
[audience laughing]

422
00:22:03,071 --> 00:22:04,823
"Yeah, that's great. I…"

423
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:09,369
"You know I'm not sponsored
by ChapStick, right?" [chuckles]

424
00:22:11,371 --> 00:22:14,416
Uh, my sister Laura is
just an all-around artist.

425
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:16,710
She does everything,
and she had painted something,

426
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:18,545
and she thought,
"Oh, Janice would like this."

427
00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:21,548
So she mailed it to her,
and then Janice got it.

428
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:25,302
And she called Laura,
and she goes, "How did you know?"

429
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:27,220
And Laura goes, "Know what?"

430
00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:29,890
And she goes, "It's all my colors."

431
00:22:29,973 --> 00:22:32,434
"Tan, bronze, and animal print."

432
00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:34,519
[audience laughing]

433
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:36,355
This woman.

434
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:41,943
You know, I've been doing stand-up
since I was 17.

435
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:45,739
And when I think back at my younger years,

436
00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:49,701
at how absolutely cunty
and judgmental I was,

437
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:51,703
I'm so embarrassed.

438
00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:53,455
Like, I remember thinking, like,

439
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:57,084
"Ugh. Women in leopard print is so lame."

440
00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:58,919
Like, "It's so tacky."

441
00:22:59,419 --> 00:23:03,006
"Only old Jewish and Italian women
wear leopard print."

442
00:23:03,507 --> 00:23:06,468
And then I turned 50, and I realized,

443
00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:08,178
you know, it's such a fun print.

444
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:10,889
-[audience laughing]
-Um…

445
00:23:10,972 --> 00:23:12,974
[scattered applause, whooping]

446
00:23:19,022 --> 00:23:21,566
So as Dad and Janice got older,

447
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:23,860
when they would have
doctor's appointments,

448
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:27,989
we would have them record on their iPhone,
you know, on the voice memo app.

449
00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:32,452
And then they would post that
on our family WhatsApp chain

450
00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:36,331
so we could listen to it and make sure
everything was being taken care of.

451
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:40,544
And… The Silverman family
is so up each other's assholes

452
00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:43,213
with WhatsApp chains, by the way. We, uh…

453
00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:48,385
We've got, like, Silverman United,
like, everyone WhatsApp chain.

454
00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:51,555
And then there's four sisters,
so then we have the, like,

455
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,306
the sisters chain with us.

456
00:23:53,390 --> 00:23:56,435
And then, um, like,
all the sisters minus one

457
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:59,104
and all the different combinations.

458
00:23:59,187 --> 00:24:01,189
[audience laughing]

459
00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:06,570
So Janice has this doctor's appointment,

460
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,949
and we know it's gonna be bad news.

461
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:14,619
We know it's… We're pretty sure
it's gonna be very bad news.

462
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,831
And we have them record, and, uh…

463
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:21,543
they post it on WhatsApp.

464
00:24:21,626 --> 00:24:23,378
And we're listening back,

465
00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:26,089
and you hear the doctor say,

466
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:29,426
"Janice, I'm so sorry to tell you this."

467
00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:32,888
"But you have stage-four pancreatic…"

468
00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:34,514
And then all of a sudden,

469
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:37,392
you just hear this very loud,

470
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,145
low, rolling fart.

471
00:24:40,228 --> 00:24:42,355
[audience laughing]

472
00:24:43,064 --> 00:24:45,692
And it's… it's, like, three seconds.

473
00:24:46,401 --> 00:24:51,281
And I know people say three seconds
to denote, like, a quick amount of time.

474
00:24:51,364 --> 00:24:55,368
But if you really think about it,
like, with Mississippis,

475
00:24:56,411 --> 00:24:59,164
it's lengthy, you know?

476
00:25:00,874 --> 00:25:03,293
And I… I know it's my dad.

477
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:05,086
[audience laughing]

478
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:08,465
You're probably like, "Oh yeah,
I bet Schleppy farted all the time."

479
00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:11,259
I… I've never heard him fart
in my life. I just…

480
00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:16,056
I know that he did not have
the tools to handle this,

481
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:18,475
and so his body took over.

482
00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:21,478
And now I'm sitting there going,

483
00:25:21,561 --> 00:25:23,563
"Stage-four pancreatic what?"

484
00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:25,941
[audience laughing]

485
00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:27,901
But I used context clues.

486
00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:34,032
Their individual reactions to this news…

487
00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:37,661
I'm still listening, you know,
and Janice is just…

488
00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:41,414
Her reaction is so Janice, you know?

489
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:42,666
She just goes,

490
00:25:43,416 --> 00:25:46,169
"Well, I'll just do
everything you tell me."

491
00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:48,588
"And I'll… I'll just do
every single thing you say,

492
00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:50,298
and I'll… I'll fight it."

493
00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:53,677
And… like, it was just so her.

494
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,304
And then my dad's reaction

495
00:25:57,264 --> 00:26:00,809
was the craziest thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.

496
00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:03,019
I'm not kidding.

497
00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:04,521
You just hear him go,

498
00:26:05,272 --> 00:26:06,982
"I'm alone!"

499
00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:09,067
[audience laughing]

500
00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:17,367
Then he goes,

501
00:26:18,034 --> 00:26:19,578
"I'm a widow!"

502
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,795
I know my mother, Beth Ann,
is out there somewhere going,

503
00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:30,922
"It's widower," and… But, Mom…

504
00:26:31,506 --> 00:26:33,508
[audience laughing]

505
00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:35,427
Um…

506
00:26:35,510 --> 00:26:37,512
It was so crazy.

507
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:38,763
Uh…

508
00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:43,977
I… I'm the designated dad whisperer,
and I was tasked with calling him.

509
00:26:44,686 --> 00:26:49,065
And I had to say,
"Dad, you cannot talk that way

510
00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:51,860
in front of your alive wife."

511
00:26:53,403 --> 00:26:56,990
"You have to
pull your shit together, okay?"

512
00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:58,450
"This isn't about you."

513
00:26:58,533 --> 00:27:02,037
"This is about Janice.
You have to take care of Janice."

514
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,790
"You have to focus.
You can't, like, fall down right now."

515
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:09,711
And he said, "I know, I know."
And then he started sobbing.

516
00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:12,756
And I've really never heard him
do that, you know?

517
00:27:12,839 --> 00:27:17,802
And he goes, "I just… I don't wanna be
in a world without my Janice."

518
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:20,347
"I just don't wanna be here without her."

519
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:23,642
And I just… I wanted to console him,
and I looked for something to say,

520
00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:26,478
and I said, "Well, you know,
statistically, you won't."

521
00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:28,313
And…

522
00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:29,981
I mean…

523
00:27:30,565 --> 00:27:32,984
[audience laughing]

524
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:35,320
I didn't know that was gonna come true. I…

525
00:27:35,403 --> 00:27:37,113
Obviously, this is

526
00:27:38,657 --> 00:27:41,576
not a time to say,
"I told you so," or anything. I…

527
00:27:43,244 --> 00:27:44,537
But we got off the phone.

528
00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:47,666
He promised he was gonna
take care of Janice.

529
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:50,335
And the next day, I did talk to Janice,

530
00:27:50,418 --> 00:27:54,089
and she said that she asked him
for a glass of water.

531
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:56,007
And he said,

532
00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:58,009
"Where is it?"

533
00:27:58,093 --> 00:28:00,220
[audience laughing]

534
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:09,521
"Where is water?"

535
00:28:10,897 --> 00:28:12,857
It's in your elbows, Dad.

536
00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:14,776
[audience laughing]

537
00:28:14,859 --> 00:28:16,861
[audience applauding]

538
00:28:18,071 --> 00:28:19,072
[Sarah chuckles]

539
00:28:20,824 --> 00:28:23,785
Find yourself a Capri Sun straw,
and pop it in there.

540
00:28:23,868 --> 00:28:25,036
She'll go to town.

541
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,163
[audience applauding, whooping]

542
00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:32,043
So, needless to say, uh,

543
00:28:32,127 --> 00:28:36,881
the four sisters and the few grandkids
descended on to their apartment.

544
00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:38,133
And we kinda…

545
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:41,094
We doula-ed them through death.

546
00:28:41,594 --> 00:28:44,973
And death is… is…

547
00:28:45,473 --> 00:28:47,559
It's really hard for me.

548
00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:51,688
And that's what makes me unique.

549
00:28:51,771 --> 00:28:54,774
-[audience laughing]
-And, uh… No, I… I know it's not.

550
00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:57,485
But it is. It's hard for me.

551
00:28:57,569 --> 00:29:01,614
It's very hard for me to even,
like, kill a small bug,

552
00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:02,991
and, you know,

553
00:29:03,074 --> 00:29:06,244
almost impossible
to make it look like a suicide.

554
00:29:06,327 --> 00:29:07,328
I, um…

555
00:29:07,412 --> 00:29:09,456
[audience laughing]

556
00:29:09,539 --> 00:29:10,623
They're so little.

557
00:29:12,834 --> 00:29:17,088
We had flies… We had flies in the house,
a lot of flies, and I won't…

558
00:29:17,172 --> 00:29:19,632
I don't wanna kill anything, and I just…

559
00:29:19,716 --> 00:29:23,344
I opened the door and was just kinda,
like, air traffic controlling them, like,

560
00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:24,846
"Go! Pssh!"

561
00:29:24,929 --> 00:29:29,017
But in their defense, you know,
I realize they are houseflies.

562
00:29:30,101 --> 00:29:33,688
They were in their natural habitat,
so I let it go.

563
00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:37,859
But then, um, there were too many flies
up in our bedroom,

564
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:41,196
and it was too much,
and I… I didn't like it.

565
00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:43,448
[hesitates] I didn't like it at all.

566
00:29:43,531 --> 00:29:45,909
And Rory was like, um…

567
00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:50,205
"Do…" Ror… I can say it if I say it fancy.

568
00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:51,915
[in posh voice] Rory. Rory.

569
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:54,209
Rory was like, uh,

570
00:29:54,292 --> 00:29:56,294
"Uh, you want me to get rid of them?"

571
00:29:57,045 --> 00:29:59,255
And I said,
"What do you mean get rid of them?"

572
00:30:00,965 --> 00:30:02,717
He said, "Do you want them gone?"

573
00:30:05,053 --> 00:30:06,054
I said, "Okay."

574
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:09,933
And I went outside the room,
and I shut the door,

575
00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:12,060
but I… I stayed, and I listened.

576
00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:16,898
And all of a sudden, I heard,
like, smash! Smack! Bam!

577
00:30:16,981 --> 00:30:18,233
And I was like… [squeals]

578
00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:21,319
And he must have heard me go… [squeals]

579
00:30:21,402 --> 00:30:23,279
And, uh, then he got quiet.

580
00:30:23,822 --> 00:30:26,491
And then I heard him open the window,

581
00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:28,243
and then he goes,

582
00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:29,536
"Bye, guys!"

583
00:30:30,954 --> 00:30:32,455
"Fly safe!"

584
00:30:32,539 --> 00:30:34,749
[audience laughing]

585
00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:36,501
I know.

586
00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:38,586
And I know he did that for me, you know?

587
00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:43,550
I mean, I know he murdered them,
but he lied for me, you know?

588
00:30:45,301 --> 00:30:49,264
I think I… The reason why I have
such an affinity for flies…

589
00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:51,307
Oh my God,
we're still talking about flies?

590
00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:55,311
Yes. I do have
about four more minutes on flies.

591
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:56,479
[clears throat]

592
00:30:57,564 --> 00:31:01,693
But, like, a million years ago,
I learned this fun fact that, um,

593
00:31:01,776 --> 00:31:06,114
flies, they only live for 24 hours.

594
00:31:06,197 --> 00:31:07,657
Like, that's their whole lifespan.

595
00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:11,160
And I don't know,
there's something about that that's so,

596
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:14,163
uh, beautiful
and heartbreaking and poetic,

597
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:17,000
you know, like, a whole lifetime in a day.

598
00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:20,962
And, uh, I don't know,
I just think it's so…

599
00:31:21,045 --> 00:31:24,716
You know, this is when
I actually first learned this.

600
00:31:24,799 --> 00:31:30,179
I was a writer/feature performer
on Saturday Night Live.

601
00:31:30,263 --> 00:31:32,640
[audience cheering, applauding]

602
00:31:36,519 --> 00:31:39,063
Thank you. I… I made an indelible impact.

603
00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:44,569
And, uh, it was, uh, the 1993-94 season,

604
00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:47,822
just to give you an idea
of how good I look, and…

605
00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:50,033
[audience laughing]

606
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:54,162
I had just learned that fun fact,
and it was Phil Hartman's last year.

607
00:31:54,245 --> 00:31:56,706
-[man] Aw.
-And… Not of life, but…

608
00:31:56,789 --> 00:31:58,875
-[audience laughing]
-…at the show.

609
00:31:58,958 --> 00:32:01,628
He went on, and he did
that, uh, NewsRadio, you know?

610
00:32:02,128 --> 00:32:05,173
And, uh, he was so nice,
and he said, he goes,

611
00:32:05,256 --> 00:32:07,717
"Hey, why don't you write a sketch
for us to do together?"

612
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,302
And I was like, "Okay."

613
00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:12,722
And I wrote a sketch,
and it was about flies.

614
00:32:12,805 --> 00:32:15,058
You know, like, it… it starts with, uh,

615
00:32:15,141 --> 00:32:18,353
one of those, like, Star Wars crawls
that explains it.

616
00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:20,939
"The average fly lives 24 hours."
Blah, blah, blah.

617
00:32:21,022 --> 00:32:25,818
And then he played, like,
an elderly fly on his deathbed,

618
00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:27,862
like, twenty-three and a half

619
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:29,197
hours old.

620
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:30,823
[audience laughing]

621
00:32:30,907 --> 00:32:34,410
And I'm, like, a young fly,
just sprouted wings,

622
00:32:34,494 --> 00:32:37,956
and he's telling me
the ways of the world, like, you know,

623
00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:41,000
"I remember noon," or whatever.

624
00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:42,585
And, uh… [chuckles]

625
00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:46,255
And then, I don't remember it,
but at the end,

626
00:32:46,339 --> 00:32:49,759
like, a dog comes
and takes a shit and then leaves.

627
00:32:49,842 --> 00:32:53,680
And then he says something
to me like, "Go get it, kid." And, uh…

628
00:32:54,889 --> 00:32:57,934
You're not gonna believe this.
It didn't make the air. But, uh…

629
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:02,313
I just, like…
I think flies are just so cute.

630
00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:04,399
And I don't understand why we kill them.

631
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:08,027
I mean, we love animals
when they're small.

632
00:33:08,111 --> 00:33:12,031
And then they get too small,
and you're like, "Kill them."

633
00:33:12,782 --> 00:33:14,367
You're monsters.

634
00:33:15,410 --> 00:33:19,205
They're so little, you know,
with their, like, their little wings

635
00:33:19,288 --> 00:33:21,165
and their giant eyes,

636
00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:25,211
and they've got their hands going
like they're hatching a plan, you know?

637
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:29,632
Like, I was brushing my teeth,
and there he was, a little baby fly,

638
00:33:29,716 --> 00:33:30,925
just sprouted wings.

639
00:33:31,009 --> 00:33:32,010
And I was like,

640
00:33:32,093 --> 00:33:36,389
"Welcome to the world, buddy.
You're gonna have such an adventure."

641
00:33:36,472 --> 00:33:39,684
And then, um, that night,
I was washing my face,

642
00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:40,935
and there he was.

643
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:43,604
He was all grizzled and old and, like,

644
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:47,692
wasn't even… He wasn't flying anymore.

645
00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:50,737
He would just take, like,
a stilted half-step now and then.

646
00:33:52,196 --> 00:33:53,990
And I said, "You did it, man."

647
00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:57,618
"What a ride."

648
00:33:57,702 --> 00:33:59,662
[audience laughing]

649
00:33:59,746 --> 00:34:02,999
And Rory was in the bathroom.

650
00:34:04,417 --> 00:34:05,668
And he said,

651
00:34:06,169 --> 00:34:08,046
"I don't think that's the same fly."

652
00:34:08,129 --> 00:34:10,214
[audience laughing]

653
00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:12,383
I…

654
00:34:12,467 --> 00:34:16,846
I think it's just this moment in time,
in our world, in our country.

655
00:34:16,929 --> 00:34:19,640
I just… I don't want a man
to tell me anything.

656
00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:21,893
Not… Just not… And not anything at all.

657
00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:25,188
-And it… it's not right…
-[audience whooping]

658
00:34:25,271 --> 00:34:26,773
…but this is how I feel.

659
00:34:28,816 --> 00:34:31,611
I said, "It's the same fly,
but thank you."

660
00:34:31,694 --> 00:34:33,529
[audience laughing]

661
00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:38,201
Then he has the fucking lips to go,

662
00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:41,871
"Are you sure flies only live 24 hours?"

663
00:34:43,623 --> 00:34:46,417
I'm like… [scoffs] "You know what?
Maybe you should look it up."

664
00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:49,796
"Because what do I know?
I'm just a girl. I probably dreamt it."

665
00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:53,549
And he did back down,
and he's like, "Okay, okay." But, um…

666
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:57,970
I did end up looking it up,
and they live about a month, but, um…

667
00:34:58,471 --> 00:34:59,847
I don't know. You know…

668
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:02,100
[audience laughing, applauding]

669
00:35:05,561 --> 00:35:07,271
I don't give a fuck! No.

670
00:35:11,734 --> 00:35:13,486
So Janice went first.

671
00:35:14,695 --> 00:35:16,322
Four months to the day.

672
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,159
She loved life-- Was that too fast a turn?

673
00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:24,705
She loved life so much.
She wanted to live, you know?

674
00:35:24,789 --> 00:35:26,624
She did everything right.

675
00:35:26,707 --> 00:35:27,959
And it just sucked, and…

676
00:35:28,042 --> 00:35:30,461
And this seems like a good time
to mention, um,

677
00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:33,422
I do have merch this tour.

678
00:35:33,506 --> 00:35:36,175
-[audience laughing]
-How fun is that?

679
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,762
You know, I've never really
had merch before.

680
00:35:39,846 --> 00:35:43,766
You know, we got Schleppy hats
and Postmortem T-shirts,

681
00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:47,937
and, like, big, gray, like,
collegiate sweatshirts that say Silverman.

682
00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:50,231
It makes me feel
like I went to college, and, uh…

683
00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:53,192
You know, I…
I never really had merch before,

684
00:35:53,276 --> 00:35:57,238
but I just really feel like my parents
would want me to monetize this.

685
00:35:57,321 --> 00:35:59,323
[audience laughing]

686
00:36:00,533 --> 00:36:02,535
[audience applauding]

687
00:36:02,618 --> 00:36:04,829
-Thank you.
-[audience cheering]

688
00:36:04,912 --> 00:36:05,872
Thank you.

689
00:36:09,292 --> 00:36:13,963
So, uh, like I said, Janice went first,
and we knew it was coming.

690
00:36:14,589 --> 00:36:18,259
And, uh, I had actually gone home
that night to sleep.

691
00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:24,515
And I got a text from my sister Susie,
who's a rabbi, around 7:00 a.m.

692
00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:25,892
And she said, uh…

693
00:36:27,101 --> 00:36:31,063
She said, "Janice passed away
around 2:00 a.m."

694
00:36:31,814 --> 00:36:35,151
"And she's still here,
and Dad is sleeping."

695
00:36:35,234 --> 00:36:37,570
"They're holding hands."
They were holding hands.

696
00:36:38,070 --> 00:36:43,201
And she said, "You know, normally,
Dad would be up, but I think he,

697
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:48,039
in his bones, you know, he…
he knows, and he just

698
00:36:49,415 --> 00:36:51,459
doesn't wanna face it."

699
00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:54,629
"Um, but I'm here,
I'm sitting right next to him,

700
00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:56,214
and I'll be here when he wakes up."

701
00:36:56,297 --> 00:36:57,840
And I said, "Okay, great."

702
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:01,677
And then all of a sudden,
she remembers this joke

703
00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:03,804
that she and my dad always loved.

704
00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:08,267
And the joke is something like,
uh, a brother calls his brother,

705
00:37:08,351 --> 00:37:11,187
and he goes, uh, "The cat died."

706
00:37:11,270 --> 00:37:13,940
And then the brother goes,
"Don't just call and say the cat died."

707
00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:15,983
He goes, "What do you want me to say?"
He goes,

708
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:19,612
"Call and say the cat's on the roof,
and we can't get her down."

709
00:37:20,112 --> 00:37:24,450
"Then call and say, 'We're at the vet.
It's not looking good.'"

710
00:37:25,618 --> 00:37:27,954
"Then call and say, 'The cat died.'"

711
00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:31,415
And the brother says, "Okay, I'm sorry."

712
00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:34,126
And his brother goes,
"It's all right. How's Mom?"

713
00:37:34,210 --> 00:37:36,087
And… You're ahead of it.

714
00:37:36,170 --> 00:37:38,422
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

715
00:37:38,506 --> 00:37:41,509
He says, "She's on the roof,
and we can't get her down."

716
00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:43,594
[audience laughing, applauding]

717
00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:45,972
So now Rabbi Susie

718
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:51,060
remembers this all in one minute,
and she just… she's hysterically laughing.

719
00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:55,189
And she is a rabbi,
but when she starts, she can't stop.

720
00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:58,526
And it's loud,
and tears are running down her face.

721
00:37:58,609 --> 00:37:59,735
And she just can't stop.

722
00:37:59,819 --> 00:38:04,323
And she's now terrified that Dad is gonna
wake up and be like, "What's so funny?"

723
00:38:04,407 --> 00:38:06,993
And she'd be like, "Janice died."

724
00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:09,078
[audience laughing]

725
00:38:10,579 --> 00:38:12,164
And she texts me, and she goes,

726
00:38:12,248 --> 00:38:14,834
"When he wakes up,
should I say that Janice is on the roof,

727
00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:16,544
and we can't get her down?"

728
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:20,214
And I'm like, "Yes!"

729
00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:21,757
[audience laughing]

730
00:38:21,841 --> 00:38:25,386
Because we are a very dark,
fucked-up family, but I…

731
00:38:26,095 --> 00:38:29,890
I did think better of it,
and I said, "No, be a rabbi."

732
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,310
"And later in the day, uh,

733
00:38:33,019 --> 00:38:34,020
I'll tell him."

734
00:38:34,770 --> 00:38:36,439
But it's so funny. We're…

735
00:38:36,522 --> 00:38:40,943
We're only just grieving, like, now,
you know, because it took…

736
00:38:41,027 --> 00:38:44,196
There's just so much logistics.
You don't expect it.

737
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:46,407
It's not how it is,
like, in the movies or something.

738
00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:48,993
It's just… There's so much to do, and I…

739
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:51,162
I feel bad saying this.

740
00:38:51,245 --> 00:38:52,830
They were such responsible people,

741
00:38:52,913 --> 00:38:56,125
but the craziest thing is
they made no death plan.

742
00:38:56,625 --> 00:39:00,463
And so we were left with so much to do.
And I… I don't want to blame…

743
00:39:00,546 --> 00:39:03,507
I mean, listen, in their defense,
they were only 80 and 85.

744
00:39:03,591 --> 00:39:04,592
Who knew?

745
00:39:06,427 --> 00:39:08,679
And I guess I basically knew
what they wanted.

746
00:39:08,763 --> 00:39:12,099
Like, my dad always said,
"Throw me in a pine box and bury me."

747
00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:14,727
"I'll push up the flowers
and the trees." And…

748
00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:19,565
I think Janice would've liked
a nice, you know, five-star, kind of,

749
00:39:19,648 --> 00:39:20,858
silk-lined…

750
00:39:20,941 --> 00:39:24,487
With a… maybe a string and a bell
just in case.

751
00:39:24,570 --> 00:39:26,572
-[audience laughing]
-Um…

752
00:39:27,865 --> 00:39:31,243
But I remember, you know,
they came over every Sunday,

753
00:39:31,327 --> 00:39:35,247
uh, for bagels and cream cheese,
and it was just my favorite day.

754
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:39,043
And they were over,
maybe this was two years ago,

755
00:39:39,126 --> 00:39:41,545
and, uh, everyone was in the backyard,

756
00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:45,091
and my dad and I were alone
in the kitchen, and I asked him, I said,

757
00:39:45,174 --> 00:39:47,218
"Are you afraid of dying?"

758
00:39:47,301 --> 00:39:50,262
And he goes, "Not at all."

759
00:39:51,180 --> 00:39:55,267
"I don't remember before I was born.
I'm not gonna remember after."

760
00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:57,061
But then he goes,

761
00:39:57,770 --> 00:40:00,231
"But I'm just… I'm scared it will hurt."

762
00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:04,193
And he… My dad was a huge pain pussy.

763
00:40:04,276 --> 00:40:07,530
He, um… It's true.
He was so afraid it would hurt.

764
00:40:07,613 --> 00:40:11,909
He once got a, you know, an EKG,
where they put all the stickers on you.

765
00:40:11,992 --> 00:40:14,328
He would not pull those stickers off.

766
00:40:15,663 --> 00:40:18,040
He's like, "I'm afraid
it will pull my hair."

767
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:21,127
He goes, "I'm gonna let it wear off."

768
00:40:21,210 --> 00:40:23,838
And he really did.
I mean, it took, like, weeks.

769
00:40:23,921 --> 00:40:27,299
He was in a pool at one point
with all these EKG stickers.

770
00:40:28,259 --> 00:40:31,345
He looked like a… like a dog
that just had puppies.

771
00:40:31,429 --> 00:40:33,597
[audience laughing]

772
00:40:36,684 --> 00:40:40,354
So he… he really wasn't scared,
but he was, he was scared it would hurt.

773
00:40:40,438 --> 00:40:42,314
And his doctor called me.

774
00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:45,234
We're taking care of him now,
and Janice is gone.

775
00:40:46,026 --> 00:40:48,195
And I'm the point person,
so I answer the phone,

776
00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:52,324
and I take it in the hallway,
and his doctor, Dr. Nortman, said, um,

777
00:40:53,033 --> 00:40:55,911
"Listen, we just got
your dad's blood results back,

778
00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:57,329
and he's dying."

779
00:40:57,413 --> 00:40:59,165
"He needs to be in the hospital."

780
00:40:59,665 --> 00:41:02,209
And I said,
"I don't know what to do because I…"

781
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:04,420
"We promised him no more hospital."

782
00:41:04,503 --> 00:41:06,380
"He fucking hates it there."

783
00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,340
And the doctor said, "You know, look,

784
00:41:08,424 --> 00:41:11,719
as a doctor,
I have to suggest he go to the hospital."

785
00:41:12,303 --> 00:41:16,182
"As a human being, I… you know,
I think that's fine."

786
00:41:16,265 --> 00:41:19,143
"If he goes to the hospital,
he'll live a few more days,

787
00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:21,103
but they'll be hospital days."

788
00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:24,732
"And right now, he's home,
he's surrounded by family,

789
00:41:24,815 --> 00:41:27,026
and I… I actually think
that's just the ticket."

790
00:41:27,109 --> 00:41:28,194
Then he said,

791
00:41:28,277 --> 00:41:32,573
"The way he's gonna die is kidney failure,

792
00:41:32,656 --> 00:41:35,701
which just happens to be
a painless death."

793
00:41:36,368 --> 00:41:38,370
"You go into a fog, eventually."

794
00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:40,873
"It's almost euphoric,
and you're just gone."

795
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:45,002
And I was so excited for my dad,
and I ran into his room.

796
00:41:45,085 --> 00:41:46,921
I probably should've taken a beat.

797
00:41:47,004 --> 00:41:49,006
[audience laughing]

798
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:51,383
I said, "Dad, great news!"

799
00:41:51,467 --> 00:41:53,135
[audience laughing]

800
00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:56,013
He's like, "Huh?"

801
00:41:56,096 --> 00:41:57,139
I'm like…

802
00:41:57,973 --> 00:42:00,309
"Mitigate your expectations.
You're dying."

803
00:42:01,060 --> 00:42:05,856
But I said, "No more meds."
You know, he was on, like, 40 pills a day.

804
00:42:06,357 --> 00:42:08,067
He goes, "No more meds?"

805
00:42:08,150 --> 00:42:09,735
I go, "None. You're done."

806
00:42:09,818 --> 00:42:13,656
"And we're all gonna
live here with you forever."

807
00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:15,241
[audience] Aww.

808
00:42:15,324 --> 00:42:16,867
And… What?

809
00:42:17,451 --> 00:42:19,161
He knew what I meant though.

810
00:42:19,245 --> 00:42:21,747
And then I told him exactly
how he was gonna die

811
00:42:21,830 --> 00:42:24,041
and that it wasn't gonna hurt at all.

812
00:42:24,124 --> 00:42:26,877
And his shoulders went down,
and he was so happy.

813
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:30,589
We all got into bed with him.
It was a great death, you know?

814
00:42:30,673 --> 00:42:34,009
We… we were singing old camp songs.
He loved camp.

815
00:42:34,093 --> 00:42:37,179
And, uh, telling funny
Silverman family stories.

816
00:42:37,263 --> 00:42:40,432
I made a mix for him
of all the biggest hits

817
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:42,476
from the summer he was 17

818
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,937
'cause I feel like
that was his happiest summer.

819
00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:47,356
And he knew every word to every song.

820
00:42:47,439 --> 00:42:49,024
It was pretty awesome.

821
00:42:49,108 --> 00:42:52,695
So, you know, Janice is gone,
Dad is going,

822
00:42:52,778 --> 00:42:56,407
and I'm back on the phone
with the same mortuary where we put Janice

823
00:42:56,490 --> 00:42:58,033
to try to get ahead of it.

824
00:42:58,117 --> 00:43:00,327
And I go into Dad's room, and I said, um,

825
00:43:01,328 --> 00:43:04,123
"Dad, I know you wanted to be buried,

826
00:43:04,206 --> 00:43:08,085
but would you mind
being cremated? Only because…"

827
00:43:08,168 --> 00:43:11,463
And… what I'm about to say is…

828
00:43:11,547 --> 00:43:13,340
It's gonna be bad for the Jews.

829
00:43:13,424 --> 00:43:15,509
But I…

830
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:18,137
I did get a deal on Janice's plot.

831
00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:19,972
I really did. I, uh…

832
00:43:20,055 --> 00:43:21,849
[audience laughing]

833
00:43:21,932 --> 00:43:23,892
"It's called a 'plus one,'

834
00:43:24,393 --> 00:43:28,105
and you can be buried with her,
like, three feet above,

835
00:43:28,188 --> 00:43:30,399
but you have to be cremated to fit."

836
00:43:30,482 --> 00:43:33,319
And he goes,
"I don't give a fuck. I'll be dead."

837
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:35,529
And I'm like, "Ah! You're so easy."

838
00:43:35,613 --> 00:43:37,239
"We'll take it. Thank you."

839
00:43:37,323 --> 00:43:39,074
[audience laughing, applauding]

840
00:43:47,708 --> 00:43:52,004
And the guy from the mortuary goes,
"Uh, was that your father?"

841
00:43:52,087 --> 00:43:54,089
[audience laughing]

842
00:43:56,467 --> 00:43:57,426
[hesitates]

843
00:43:58,552 --> 00:44:00,137
I said, "Yeah."

844
00:44:00,763 --> 00:44:01,930
And he said, uh,

845
00:44:02,431 --> 00:44:06,352
"We can't schedule a cremation
for someone who's currently living."

846
00:44:06,435 --> 00:44:08,604
[audience laughing]

847
00:44:08,687 --> 00:44:11,690
Like… he said it like I was the asshole.

848
00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:13,859
-[audience laughing]
-You know, I…

849
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:18,572
I'm like, "You're a Jewish mortuary.
You shouldn't even be offering cremation."

850
00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:22,034
"All of a sudden, you're a stickler?" I…

851
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:27,373
What am I supposed to do?
Like, cremation takes one to two weeks.

852
00:44:27,456 --> 00:44:30,542
Like, in Jewish,
the funeral is, like, the next day.

853
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:33,420
It's… It's very farm-to-table. And, like…

854
00:44:33,504 --> 00:44:35,506
[audience laughing, applauding]

855
00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:38,592
Huh.

856
00:44:40,803 --> 00:44:44,390
Oh, and then I go, "And by the way,
Janice had tattoos."

857
00:44:44,473 --> 00:44:46,016
[audience laughing]

858
00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:50,979
I mean, it was her lips
and her eyebrows, but still, she did.

859
00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:57,778
But, you know, then I realized
we don't need the ashes for the funeral.

860
00:44:57,861 --> 00:44:59,196
It's, you know…

861
00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:01,532
He's not really there.

862
00:45:01,615 --> 00:45:04,451
It's… It's for us. A funeral is for us.

863
00:45:04,535 --> 00:45:06,370
And, uh, I don't think
anyone's gonna be like,

864
00:45:06,453 --> 00:45:08,747
"Yeah, where are the ashes?"
You know, just…

865
00:45:08,831 --> 00:45:11,917
We just… We had a beautiful funeral,
and a couple weeks later,

866
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:16,630
we got the ashes, and the four sisters
did a little something, you know, but…

867
00:45:17,339 --> 00:45:20,551
I don't know, I… My therapist said,

868
00:45:20,634 --> 00:45:24,221
"Your parents, your loved ones,
they're not in the casket."

869
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:25,597
"They're not in the ground."

870
00:45:25,681 --> 00:45:29,101
"They're… They're in the car with you
on the way to the cemetery."

871
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:31,645
"They're in the car with you
going home from the cemetery."

872
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:35,023
And I really believe that.
I… I happen to be godless,

873
00:45:35,107 --> 00:45:40,070
but I do believe in science, and I know

874
00:45:40,654 --> 00:45:44,074
that energy cannot be created
nor destroyed.

875
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:45,200
I wrote that.

876
00:45:45,284 --> 00:45:47,536
-[audience laughing]
-And…

877
00:45:50,789 --> 00:45:51,915
And I believe that. I…

878
00:45:51,999 --> 00:45:54,418
You know, our… our loved ones,
they're not in the ground

879
00:45:54,501 --> 00:45:57,087
or in their bodies anymore. They're…

880
00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:58,922
But their energy, their…

881
00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:02,092
their essence, their "-ness" is out there,

882
00:46:02,176 --> 00:46:06,472
and I actually think
that our loved ones are watching over us.

883
00:46:06,555 --> 00:46:11,685
You know, maybe not all the time,
but in the important moments, um,

884
00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:14,021
like when we're masturbating or…

885
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:16,106
[audience laughing]

886
00:46:17,691 --> 00:46:18,942
Oh, Sarah.

887
00:46:20,527 --> 00:46:22,529
I don't know why I would say that.

888
00:46:23,614 --> 00:46:24,531
I think I…

889
00:46:25,407 --> 00:46:29,328
Like, I need to think that
in order to come, but…

890
00:46:29,411 --> 00:46:31,413
[audience laughing]

891
00:46:32,414 --> 00:46:35,083
I just… Because the show is so sad,
and then I worry,

892
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,753
and then I go too far
the other way, but I…

893
00:46:38,754 --> 00:46:40,047
It's a balance.

894
00:46:41,048 --> 00:46:42,466
But I… I do think…

895
00:46:42,549 --> 00:46:46,136
I do think that our loved ones
are watching over us when we masturbate.

896
00:46:47,012 --> 00:46:48,305
As… [giggles]

897
00:46:48,388 --> 00:46:50,557
As evidenced by the faint, "Oy."

898
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:52,434
Oy!

899
00:46:53,852 --> 00:46:54,686
Oy!

900
00:46:54,770 --> 00:46:56,855
[audience applauding, whooping]

901
00:46:56,939 --> 00:46:58,398
Really? Huh.

902
00:46:58,482 --> 00:46:59,525
Thanks.

903
00:47:04,196 --> 00:47:10,869
So, uh, you know, now my dad is dying,
and, oh my God, he's being so funny.

904
00:47:10,953 --> 00:47:13,080
Like, at one point, he goes, um…

905
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:16,458
He musters up all his energy, and he goes,

906
00:47:16,542 --> 00:47:18,460
"I changed my mind."

907
00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:20,546
"I want to live."

908
00:47:21,129 --> 00:47:24,842
And my sister Susie,
the rabbi, goes… [gasps]

909
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:28,178
And I go, "Susie, he's fucking with you."

910
00:47:28,262 --> 00:47:29,179
[chuckles]

911
00:47:29,763 --> 00:47:33,600
And then Susie came to the show
when I was on tour a couple weeks ago.

912
00:47:33,684 --> 00:47:36,520
And she came backstage,
and she goes, "Are you kidding me?"

913
00:47:36,603 --> 00:47:38,063
"You were the one that gasped,

914
00:47:38,146 --> 00:47:41,400
and I was the one that told you
he was fucking with you."

915
00:47:41,483 --> 00:47:44,820
And then, um,
I had to explain to her that,

916
00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:47,739
like, that's not who she is in this.

917
00:47:47,823 --> 00:47:49,992
[audience laughing]

918
00:47:51,076 --> 00:47:52,452
And… [chuckles]

919
00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:59,293
So we're taking turns sitting with him
and sleeping next to him, and, uh…

920
00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:01,211
at one point,

921
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:05,257
Rory is, um… He's sitting with my dad.

922
00:48:05,340 --> 00:48:07,926
And my dad's phone went off.

923
00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:10,304
And I don't understand how old people…

924
00:48:10,804 --> 00:48:14,349
They don't know how to use a smartphone,
but somehow they hack into it

925
00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:16,685
and make the volume 1,000.

926
00:48:16,768 --> 00:48:18,854
-[audience laughing]
-And, um…

927
00:48:18,937 --> 00:48:22,441
Also, the ringtone was
"The Star-Spangled Banner," and, uh…

928
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:26,236
Rory's like, uh,
"You want me to answer this?"

929
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,614
"It's somebody named Steve Forman."

930
00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:30,699
And my dad goes, "Okay."

931
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,619
So he puts it on speaker,
and he holds it up.

932
00:48:33,702 --> 00:48:37,706
And this guy Steve Forman goes,
"Schleppy, say it ain't so!"

933
00:48:37,789 --> 00:48:42,002
And they have a little conversation,
and it's very sweet, and they hang up.

934
00:48:42,085 --> 00:48:45,297
And, uh, my dad says to Rory,

935
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:47,007
"You know who that was?"

936
00:48:47,090 --> 00:48:49,801
"You ever hear of imitation crab?"

937
00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:51,762
[audience laughing]

938
00:48:51,845 --> 00:48:54,014
[laughs] Hm.

939
00:48:57,017 --> 00:49:01,980
Rory's like, uh, "Yeah, they, like, put it
in sushi sometimes, right?"

940
00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:06,985
And, uh, my dad goes,
"That guy invented imitation crab."

941
00:49:07,819 --> 00:49:10,030
And he looked it up. He really did.

942
00:49:10,822 --> 00:49:13,909
"In 1970, and now he's rich."

943
00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:17,162
And so Rory goes, "That's amazing.
How'd you meet him?"

944
00:49:17,245 --> 00:49:18,580
And my dad goes,

945
00:49:18,664 --> 00:49:20,290
"Dunkin' Donuts."

946
00:49:20,374 --> 00:49:22,042
[audience laughing]

947
00:49:22,125 --> 00:49:23,377
They met at Dunkin' Donuts,

948
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:26,213
and now they're having
a conversation on his deathbed.

949
00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:29,800
Um, a lot of my friends came by
to say goodbye to him

950
00:49:29,883 --> 00:49:32,636
because, uh, like,
my dad played poker with us.

951
00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:36,390
So a lot of my friends,
my comic friends, um, knew him.

952
00:49:36,473 --> 00:49:38,809
And, uh, Jeff Ross, you know, uh,

953
00:49:38,892 --> 00:49:41,603
Jeffrey Ross,
the, uh, Roastmaster General.

954
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:43,397
-[audience applauding, whooping]
-Um…

955
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,190
The best roaster in town.

956
00:49:45,732 --> 00:49:48,986
He's been very close
to my parents for a long time.

957
00:49:49,069 --> 00:49:52,823
And he came to sit with him,
and when he walked in, he goes,

958
00:49:52,906 --> 00:49:54,366
"Schleppy, I got bad news."

959
00:49:54,449 --> 00:49:58,036
"I don't think you can be
my emergency contact anymore."

960
00:49:58,120 --> 00:50:00,122
[audience laughing]

961
00:50:02,290 --> 00:50:03,291
And, uh…

962
00:50:04,626 --> 00:50:06,545
He sat with him and, actually, um,

963
00:50:06,628 --> 00:50:10,215
Jeff introduced my dad and Janice
to a friend of his,

964
00:50:10,298 --> 00:50:14,678
this older, uh, magician
named Bernie Shine.

965
00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:17,723
And they all became friends,
like, the last ten years or so.

966
00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:21,685
And they had gone… Dad and Janice
had gone to see Bernie perform,

967
00:50:21,768 --> 00:50:24,021
like, six months earlier, you know?

968
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:26,314
So Jeff is sitting with my dad,
and he goes,

969
00:50:26,398 --> 00:50:29,276
"You want me to FaceTime Bernie
so you can say goodbye?"

970
00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:30,569
And he said, "Okay."

971
00:50:31,194 --> 00:50:33,447
And he FaceTimes him, and he holds it up.

972
00:50:33,947 --> 00:50:37,492
And Bernie gets on,
and he says, "Donald, I'm so sorry."

973
00:50:37,576 --> 00:50:40,787
And my dad said,
"Bernie, your show was so bad,

974
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:42,622
it killed Janice."

975
00:50:42,706 --> 00:50:45,125
[audience laughing, applauding]

976
00:50:50,422 --> 00:50:51,631
And then he goes,

977
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:54,009
"And I'm not feeling so hot either."

978
00:50:54,092 --> 00:50:56,094
[audience laughing]

979
00:50:57,554 --> 00:51:00,307
He was… He was killing while dying.

980
00:51:02,392 --> 00:51:05,353
And he was supposed to, you know…
This was supposed to be it.

981
00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:06,772
And, you know, it was…

982
00:51:06,855 --> 00:51:10,942
I think we reached this time
where, like, we had really said it all,

983
00:51:11,026 --> 00:51:13,653
and he was, like, um…

984
00:51:13,737 --> 00:51:15,947
like, not dying, you know?

985
00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:20,702
And it was, honestly,
getting uncomfortable, a little bit.

986
00:51:21,453 --> 00:51:22,454
It was…

987
00:51:22,537 --> 00:51:24,623
It was awkward, and, uh…

988
00:51:25,457 --> 00:51:28,835
So I'm sitting with him,
and, you know, we had said it all, and…

989
00:51:29,503 --> 00:51:30,837
I said, um,

990
00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:33,423
"I dunno, you wanna watch TV?"

991
00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:35,467
He goes, "Okay."

992
00:51:35,550 --> 00:51:38,136
And we watched, um… Oh.

993
00:51:38,220 --> 00:51:43,016
We watched that series Beef,
you know, with Ali Wong and Steven Yeun.

994
00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:46,603
So fucked up, dark.
We love that shit, and it was great.

995
00:51:46,686 --> 00:51:50,148
We watched three episodes,
and then I went home to sleep.

996
00:51:50,232 --> 00:51:51,858
And so I came in the next morning.

997
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:55,529
I go, "Schleppy, you ready
for episode 4?" And he goes,

998
00:51:55,612 --> 00:51:57,364
"I watched it."

999
00:51:57,447 --> 00:51:59,699
[audience laughing]

1000
00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,745
"You watched it without me? What…"

1001
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:06,123
"All right, what episode are you on?"

1002
00:52:06,206 --> 00:52:08,500
He goes, "I binged it all."

1003
00:52:08,583 --> 00:52:10,585
[audience laughing]

1004
00:52:12,045 --> 00:52:14,756
"My dad binged Beef on his deathbed…"

1005
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:16,550
[audience laughing]

1006
00:52:16,633 --> 00:52:19,427
…should be a billboard for Beef, really.

1007
00:52:22,931 --> 00:52:26,434
He had a friend… There was a guy
named Barry Tatelman.

1008
00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:27,936
Absolute mensch.

1009
00:52:28,019 --> 00:52:31,148
Uh, we didn't know him
until about 15 years ago.

1010
00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:33,692
He… He searched for my dad.

1011
00:52:34,317 --> 00:52:38,905
And, uh, he found him on Facebook,
and they've been close the last 15 years.

1012
00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:42,701
Why was Barry Tatelman
searching for my dad?

1013
00:52:43,285 --> 00:52:47,664
Because my dad was his camp counselor
and changed his life.

1014
00:52:48,415 --> 00:52:51,001
And, you know, ever since he died,

1015
00:52:51,084 --> 00:52:54,796
all these old men have called
into my podcast to say, you know,

1016
00:52:54,880 --> 00:52:58,884
"Your dad was my camp counselor
and… and changed my life."

1017
00:52:59,509 --> 00:53:01,344
Well, he molested them.

1018
00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:03,972
[audience laughing]

1019
00:53:05,432 --> 00:53:07,058
Relief laugh.

1020
00:53:15,567 --> 00:53:21,198
So, uh, Schleppy did die,
painlessly, as promised.

1021
00:53:21,698 --> 00:53:26,953
And it's so odd, you know,
because I now have no parents.

1022
00:53:27,037 --> 00:53:30,999
And there's really no age
where you are ready,

1023
00:53:31,082 --> 00:53:33,210
uh, to have no parents.

1024
00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:38,465
You know, first, my stepdad, John O'Hara,
who didn't even make this special.

1025
00:53:38,548 --> 00:53:40,967
[audience laughing]

1026
00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:42,302
So wonderful.

1027
00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:46,139
And my mother, Beth Ann, who,

1028
00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:49,392
you know,
didn't get away unscathed, per se.

1029
00:53:50,393 --> 00:53:54,397
And then Janice, and now my dad, and…

1030
00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:58,276
My experience is like, um…

1031
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:02,781
At first, I really…
I felt rudderless, I think, you know?

1032
00:54:03,281 --> 00:54:04,407
And, um…

1033
00:54:05,450 --> 00:54:09,162
And then I kind of felt, like,
identity crisis-y, you know?

1034
00:54:09,246 --> 00:54:12,332
Like, who am I without them?

1035
00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:15,794
You know? Like, who am I

1036
00:54:16,753 --> 00:54:17,879
without them?

1037
00:54:18,380 --> 00:54:23,593
And if you ever are wondering
who you are, uh,

1038
00:54:23,677 --> 00:54:29,140
take a look at the ads that are sent
to you and only you on your phone.

1039
00:54:32,644 --> 00:54:34,187
That's who you are.

1040
00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:36,314
[audience laughing]

1041
00:54:38,692 --> 00:54:40,568
Everybody knows about it now.
It's not like…

1042
00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:42,362
You know, everyone knows targeted ads.

1043
00:54:42,445 --> 00:54:46,199
Like, Siri's listening to you,
and Alexa's listening to you.

1044
00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:48,159
And everything you type
into your search bar

1045
00:54:48,243 --> 00:54:51,288
gets taken into account and fed to you.

1046
00:54:51,371 --> 00:54:54,207
But there was a time
when this was happening,

1047
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:56,001
and we were not aware of it.

1048
00:54:56,668 --> 00:54:59,212
And, uh, you know, like,
I would look at my phone and be like,

1049
00:54:59,296 --> 00:55:02,382
"Oh my God, I was just talking
about culottes," or whatever.

1050
00:55:02,465 --> 00:55:04,426
[audience laughing]

1051
00:55:04,509 --> 00:55:08,263
Ads would… would just pop up,
and… and when I think about that time,

1052
00:55:08,346 --> 00:55:13,018
I'm so embarrassed
at how absolutely indignant I was.

1053
00:55:13,727 --> 00:55:15,437
You know, I remember saying,

1054
00:55:15,937 --> 00:55:20,233
"I was reading The New York Times
op-ed section on my phone,

1055
00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:25,071
and all of a sudden,
an ad pops up for ilovecum.com?"

1056
00:55:25,155 --> 00:55:27,157
[audience laughing]

1057
00:55:27,824 --> 00:55:30,035
"Children could be reading this!"

1058
00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:34,748
"Why would The New York Times

1059
00:55:35,790 --> 00:55:38,418
sell ad space to these people?"

1060
00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:45,008
And, of course,
it's because, um, they're not. They…

1061
00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:47,927
That was just my phone

1062
00:55:49,095 --> 00:55:50,472
knowing me.

1063
00:55:50,555 --> 00:55:52,098
[audience laughing]

1064
00:55:52,682 --> 00:55:56,561
I don't want you to think of me, like,
typing in ilovecum.com.

1065
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,563
First of all, it's a .org, but…

1066
00:55:59,064 --> 00:56:01,107
[audience laughing]

1067
00:56:01,191 --> 00:56:03,318
I didn't even know
it was a website, really.

1068
00:56:03,401 --> 00:56:06,988
You know, I just was typing in
whatever my search words were at the time,

1069
00:56:07,072 --> 00:56:08,239
like, you know,

1070
00:56:08,323 --> 00:56:10,950
"penises ejaculating" or whatever,

1071
00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:13,995
and my phone was like,
"Stop typing. I've got you."

1072
00:56:14,704 --> 00:56:17,999
And it would take me there, you know?

1073
00:56:19,667 --> 00:56:22,045
It was like, my phone's way of saying,

1074
00:56:22,128 --> 00:56:25,131
"When there was only
one set of footprints…"

1075
00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:27,967
[audience laughing]

1076
00:56:32,639 --> 00:56:34,766
"…that's when I was carrying you."

1077
00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:38,770
"I got you. I got you."

1078
00:56:39,479 --> 00:56:40,647
I know what you were thinking.

1079
00:56:40,730 --> 00:56:43,942
"This cum joke better have
a Jesus reference, or I'm leaving."

1080
00:56:44,025 --> 00:56:45,527
[audience laughing]

1081
00:56:46,986 --> 00:56:48,071
Well, I deliver.

1082
00:56:48,696 --> 00:56:50,365
God's love I deliver.

1083
00:56:52,784 --> 00:56:55,745
I said, um, cum.com so many times,

1084
00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:57,705
you're gonna get ads for it.

1085
00:56:57,789 --> 00:56:59,791
[audience laughing]

1086
00:57:01,835 --> 00:57:06,339
So, like I said,
we're really just grieving now, and, uh…

1087
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:08,716
It's interesting to me because,

1088
00:57:09,217 --> 00:57:11,886
you know, three out of four
of us are godless.

1089
00:57:11,970 --> 00:57:14,973
Of the sisters, not society at large.

1090
00:57:15,056 --> 00:57:16,558
That would be amazing.

1091
00:57:16,641 --> 00:57:17,684
Um…

1092
00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:19,811
[audience laughing]

1093
00:57:20,812 --> 00:57:24,983
But we're on our WhatsApp,
our sisters WhatsApp, and we're grieving.

1094
00:57:25,066 --> 00:57:29,237
And it does occur to me
that grief is a lot like religion because

1095
00:57:30,071 --> 00:57:34,075
we're trying to make sense of something
that is beyond our comprehension.

1096
00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:37,996
We're trying to understand something
that may not be understandable.

1097
00:57:38,496 --> 00:57:40,498
And, like, Susie wrote, um,

1098
00:57:40,582 --> 00:57:44,085
"You guys, two birds
landed in my windowsill,

1099
00:57:44,169 --> 00:57:46,045
and I know it was them."

1100
00:57:46,129 --> 00:57:49,299
And, you know, Jodyne and Laura
were like, "It was them!"

1101
00:57:49,382 --> 00:57:50,842
And I… I wanna contribute.

1102
00:57:50,925 --> 00:57:53,720
I… I… I hearted it. And then, um…

1103
00:57:53,803 --> 00:57:55,430
[audience laughing]

1104
00:57:55,513 --> 00:57:58,558
…Laura was like, "I was at Target,

1105
00:57:58,641 --> 00:58:03,354
and a woman walked up to me
and told me I looked gorgeous in purple."

1106
00:58:04,230 --> 00:58:06,065
"And I know that was Janice."

1107
00:58:07,275 --> 00:58:10,778
And Susie and Jodyne were like,
"It was Janice!" You know?

1108
00:58:10,862 --> 00:58:12,238
And I'm like… [hesitates]

1109
00:58:12,322 --> 00:58:14,532
Boop, boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

1110
00:58:14,616 --> 00:58:16,576
-You know, and, um…
-[audience laughing]

1111
00:58:19,871 --> 00:58:22,624
But it was actually
what Jodyne said that got me.

1112
00:58:22,707 --> 00:58:24,000
You know, she said, um…

1113
00:58:24,792 --> 00:58:28,421
She said, "You guys,
I farted for like four seconds."

1114
00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:32,842
[whispers] And I said, "It's Dad!"

1115
00:58:32,926 --> 00:58:34,886
[audience laughing]

1116
00:58:34,969 --> 00:58:37,180
[audience applauding]

1117
00:58:37,263 --> 00:58:39,224
[audience whooping]

1118
00:58:46,731 --> 00:58:47,732
Um…

1119
00:58:48,274 --> 00:58:49,984
I miss him so much.

1120
00:58:50,068 --> 00:58:51,653
I mean, I am… I'm okay.

1121
00:58:51,736 --> 00:58:54,739
I am okay, but I just ache for him.

1122
00:58:54,822 --> 00:58:57,867
And the thing that surprises
me so much is that

1123
00:58:58,576 --> 00:59:03,456
I don't find myself missing, like,
young, able-bodied Dad

1124
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:07,043
or the Dad that took care of me
and went to all my games.

1125
00:59:07,627 --> 00:59:12,173
I don't know why this is,
but I find myself missing the… the end,

1126
00:59:12,257 --> 00:59:14,342
like, the… the final days.

1127
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:17,845
The quiet times
when I'm taking care of him,

1128
00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:22,308
and, like, he would literally
have to tell me, uh, when he had to pee.

1129
00:59:22,392 --> 00:59:27,230
And then I would have to take his penis
and put it in a jug, and…

1130
00:59:27,313 --> 00:59:29,190
"Penis in a jug" sounds like a…

1131
00:59:29,274 --> 00:59:32,110
like a dessert
at TGI Fridays or something.

1132
00:59:32,193 --> 00:59:34,612
-But… it's not.
-[audience laughing]

1133
00:59:35,238 --> 00:59:36,322
And, um…

1134
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:44,706
But in those times,
even, like, wiping his ass and, like,

1135
00:59:44,789 --> 00:59:46,374
changing his diaper, I was…

1136
00:59:46,457 --> 00:59:49,752
At first, I was so…
I was like, "Dad, are you horrified?"

1137
00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:52,171
And he was like, "I don't give a fuck."

1138
00:59:52,839 --> 00:59:56,593
And once I knew that, I could really, um…

1139
00:59:57,427 --> 00:59:59,137
you know, not enjoy,

1140
00:59:59,220 --> 01:00:04,517
but, uh, I felt honored to…
I wanted to keep him clean, you know?

1141
01:00:04,601 --> 01:00:08,021
And maybe you guys are thinking, like,
"Ugh, I would never wanna, like, do that."

1142
01:00:08,104 --> 01:00:09,522
But you will.

1143
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:10,982
You will be able to do…

1144
01:00:11,065 --> 01:00:12,817
You know, it's like when someone goes,

1145
01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:15,403
"I wanna get a dog,
but I don't wanna pick up its shit."

1146
01:00:15,486 --> 01:00:18,448
And then on day one,
you're like, "Good boy!"

1147
01:00:18,531 --> 01:00:19,824
"Oh my God!"

1148
01:00:20,325 --> 01:00:23,995
It just goes away, and you don't care,
and you wanna do it.

1149
01:00:24,621 --> 01:00:26,247
And it's in those moments

1150
01:00:27,290 --> 01:00:29,792
when I get to keep him clean, you know?

1151
01:00:29,876 --> 01:00:34,297
And I can tell him things,
you know, like, "Dad, I love you,"

1152
01:00:34,380 --> 01:00:37,175
and "Dad, thank you."

1153
01:00:37,258 --> 01:00:39,302
And also, you know,

1154
01:00:39,385 --> 01:00:42,722
"Who's wiping the shit
out of whose tuchus now, asshole?"

1155
01:00:42,805 --> 01:00:44,015
[audience laughing]

1156
01:00:44,098 --> 01:00:46,476
-Thank you so much.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1157
01:00:46,559 --> 01:00:48,311
Thank you, the Beacon Theatre,

1158
01:00:48,394 --> 01:00:50,730
and what an incredible audience, and…

1159
01:00:50,813 --> 01:00:51,689
Oh, good.

1160
01:00:52,231 --> 01:00:53,358
[chuckles]

1161
01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:55,109
Thank you.

1162
01:00:55,193 --> 01:00:57,278
[audience cheering, whistling]

1163
01:00:57,362 --> 01:01:00,031
["Never Burn, Never Bruise"
by Psychic Friend playing]

1164
01:01:01,282 --> 01:01:03,493
[audience whistling, cheering]

1165
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:06,412
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

1166
01:01:06,496 --> 01:01:08,373
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

1167
01:01:08,456 --> 01:01:10,416
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

1168
01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:12,085
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

1169
01:01:13,378 --> 01:01:17,131
♪ This town is getting smaller ♪

1170
01:01:17,715 --> 01:01:22,387
♪ They're turning off the water too ♪

1171
01:01:22,470 --> 01:01:24,430
♪ No returns ♪

1172
01:01:24,514 --> 01:01:26,432
♪ Never used ♪

1173
01:01:26,516 --> 01:01:28,518
♪ Never used ♪

1174
01:01:29,894 --> 01:01:33,481
♪ I left the party favor ♪

1175
01:01:33,564 --> 01:01:36,609
♪ Forgot to sign the waiver ♪

1176
01:01:36,693 --> 01:01:38,403
♪ With you ♪

1177
01:01:38,486 --> 01:01:40,446
♪ Never burn ♪

1178
01:01:40,530 --> 01:01:42,240
♪ Never bruise ♪

1179
01:01:42,323 --> 01:01:43,366
♪ Never bruise… ♪

1180
01:01:43,449 --> 01:01:45,410
[Schleppy] This is Crazy Sophie's husband.

1181
01:01:45,493 --> 01:01:48,579
I could just vomit when I see
all the stuff the department stores pull

1182
01:01:48,663 --> 01:01:50,915
to get you into
their overpriced emporiums.

1183
01:01:50,998 --> 01:01:54,127
Spend your time at the mall.
Spend your money at Crazy Sophie's.

1184
01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:57,463
When you care enough to get the very best
but too cheap to pay for it,

1185
01:01:57,547 --> 01:02:01,300
the answer is
Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet!

1186
01:02:01,384 --> 01:02:05,263
♪ You wear an off-the-shoulder ♪

1187
01:02:05,346 --> 01:02:08,641
♪ Your feet are getting colder ♪

1188
01:02:08,725 --> 01:02:10,435
♪ With you ♪

1189
01:02:10,518 --> 01:02:12,395
♪ Never burn ♪

1190
01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:14,439
♪ Never bruise ♪

1191
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,399
♪ Never bruise ♪

1192
01:02:16,482 --> 01:02:17,608
♪ I'm with you… ♪

1193
01:02:17,692 --> 01:02:20,695
This is my first, uh,
whatever the fuck you call it.

1194
01:02:20,778 --> 01:02:23,531
And, uh, this is one of many to come.

1195
01:02:23,614 --> 01:02:26,159
[sing-song] And you're gonna laugh
You're gonna cry

1196
01:02:26,701 --> 01:02:29,120
You're gonna stink
You're gonna sigh

1197
01:02:29,203 --> 01:02:31,748
And this is what a feminist looks like!

1198
01:02:33,416 --> 01:02:38,755
♪ The kids are getting older too ♪

1199
01:02:39,422 --> 01:02:41,174
♪ Never met them, have you… ♪

1200
01:02:41,257 --> 01:02:44,135
-I have to talk to you about something.
-[Schleppy] Yeah?

1201
01:02:45,011 --> 01:02:46,804
I've been thinking about this.

1202
01:02:46,888 --> 01:02:48,431
-Are you listening?
-[Schleppy] Yeah.

1203
01:02:48,514 --> 01:02:51,642
I don't think you should be
my emergency contact anymore.

1204
01:02:51,726 --> 01:02:53,060
[laughing]

1205
01:02:53,644 --> 01:02:56,522
I don't know. I think I should be.

1206
01:02:57,106 --> 01:02:59,901
All right, well,
you better be there for me.

1207
01:02:59,984 --> 01:03:01,402
[Schleppy] Yeah. [groans]

1208
01:03:01,903 --> 01:03:04,405
-Are you still with your sweet girlfriend?
-[Jeff] Oh yeah.

1209
01:03:04,489 --> 01:03:05,573
[woman] What did he say?

1210
01:03:05,656 --> 01:03:07,658
"Are you still with
your sweet girlfriend?"

1211
01:03:08,367 --> 01:03:10,286
You already trying to bang my girlfriend?

1212
01:03:10,369 --> 01:03:12,121
[laughing]

1213
01:03:12,205 --> 01:03:13,331
[keypad beeping]

1214
01:03:13,414 --> 01:03:15,166
-[Janice] Hi, Honey.
-[Schleppy] Hi, Sarah.

1215
01:03:15,249 --> 01:03:18,294
It being Shabbas,
I thought I'd give you a call.

1216
01:03:18,377 --> 01:03:21,839
Oh, I got this new battery for my bicycle.

1217
01:03:21,923 --> 01:03:25,760
Thank you so much for finding the guy,
and I love it.

1218
01:03:26,260 --> 01:03:28,554
Oh, I could probably go to Fargo on it,

1219
01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:30,723
so cancel the airline tickets

1220
01:03:30,807 --> 01:03:33,226
uh, because this has got so much power.

1221
01:03:33,309 --> 01:03:37,355
Um, anyway, or as they say
in New Hampshire, anyways,

1222
01:03:37,438 --> 01:03:38,397
love you.

1223
01:03:38,481 --> 01:03:39,899
Hope you're doing well.

1224
01:03:39,982 --> 01:03:42,401
Bye-bye.
How do I hang this fucking thing up?

1225
01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:43,945
[call disconnects]