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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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This is the lowest my voice goes.

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Oh my gosh, Ali Wong.

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Jerry.

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My parents?

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Ladies and gentlemen
and everyone in between.

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-It's time to introduce my former lover.
-Oh, Tina and Amy.

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-Yeah, that makes more sense.
-Oops, how did that slip out?

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Please put your hands together
for your pal and mine, Sarah Silverman.

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Thank you. Aw.

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Wow. Uh, wow!

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I accept.

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If this doesn't bookend with that,
it's… it will be a failure. But…

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I'm concerned you're setting
yourselves up for disappointment.

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But I'm so happy that you're here,

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and I'm so happy
to be here in New York City…

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Ah!

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…at the Beacon Theatre.

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And I… This is actually
the middle of my tour.

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And, uh, I've come to really love
being on the road, especially now.

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You know, just, one,

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because I really love
connecting with audiences,

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you know, now more than ever.

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And, two, because I've really become a, a…

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a real hotel slut.

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I, um…

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I just love when a hotel is really nice.

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You know how… You know how you can tell
if a hotel is fancy?

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If you come back to your room

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and where you left off
in your toilet paper

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has been folded in a perfect triangle.

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I mean, there's just, I mean,
nothing more luxurious than, um,

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knowing that a stranger's fingers…

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Uh…

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…have handled

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something that you will press
to your asshole at some point for sure.

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Mm!

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It really is how the other half lives.

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And, um…

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I've been with my boyfriend…
…Rory, for five years.

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I should be able to say his name better,
but it's ridiculous.

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Rory. Rory.

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But, you know, it's enough time that
we do things to jazz things up a little.

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Like, uh, lately
I've taken to jerking him off

46
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with my non-dominant hand.

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Which is great, you know,

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'cause it feels
like someone else is doing it.

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And, uh…

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I was actually a little bit proud
of myself when I thought of that joke.

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And Rory was sleeping next to me,
and I woke him up and told it to him.

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He goes, "Yeah, that's good.
You know what we call that?"

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The Stranger.

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"The Stranger."

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Everybody knows but me.

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I had never heard that before.

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And, you know, it's just crazy
because I always feel like, um,

58
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women, in general, are more familiar
with, uh, the experience of a man.

59
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We need to see the world
through a male lens

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in order to just survive.

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Men don't need to do that, but, um…
Yeah, this one got by me.

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"The Stranger."

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I love it. He goes,
"Yeah, like, uh, I'll use my left hand,

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or sometimes I… I'll sit on my hand
to numb it up a little."

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I mean, swoon.

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And, well, I think this is normal, like…

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We'll do things with sex,
like we'll start talking fantasy talk

68
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sometimes during sex, like…

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One time, we were fooling around,
and this just came out of my mouth.

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I-I didn't plan it.

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And I go, "You just showed up
at my summer camp."

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And even he was like…

73
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But he saved it.

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He goes, uh, "But you,
like, own the camp, right?"

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I go, "Yeah. Yes."

76
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"I own the camp. Yes."

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Uh, oh, another time, I was on top of him…

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What, do I go side to side?

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I… Whatever.

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The position doesn't even matter,
but we were doing it.

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And then he goes, he's like,

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"This is so crazy.
Like, I don't even know your last name."

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And, you know, I'm playing along,
and I said, um,

84
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"It's Hitler."

85
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And…

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He came immediately, which was…

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…a little disconcerting.

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Right here. Right between my…

89
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…my upper lip and my nose bottom.

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Oh, my dad and my stepmom Janice

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both died last May, nine days apart.

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And… Oh, that one needs work.

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Um…

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But they really did,

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and, uh, I was really close
with both of them.

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And my dad was my best friend,
and, uh, they both gave me so much.

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And most recently, about an hour
of new material, so let's do this.

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Good.

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All right, uh…

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Let me introduce the characters involved.

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Uh, first, my dad,
Donald "Schleppy" Silverman.

102
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Everybody called him Schleppy. Uh…

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Born in Boston, then his family moved to…

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You've heard of it?

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You're like, "I'm from Boston."
You're from Quincy. But, uh…

106
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Uh, they moved to New Hampshire,
and that's where I was born and raised.

107
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And, uh,

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my dad owned
a discount women's clothing store

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called Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.

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It's funny. When I tell people
I'm from New Hampshire, they'll go,

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"There are Jews in New Hampshire?"

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Then I have to explain to them
that, you know,

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even New Hampshire deserves retail.

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And, uh…

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He'd do his own radio ads.
He'd be like, "I'm Crazy Donny."

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"When I see the prices at the mall,
I just wanna vomit!"

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And then he'd rattle off
a bunch of off-brand brands.

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And then at the end, he'd go,
"If you care enough to buy the very best,

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but you're too cheap,
come to Crazy Sophie's!"

120
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It… You know, I think he named it because…
Um, Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.

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He… He loved Crazy Eddie from New York,
you know, in the '80s?

122
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And he wanted to do something like that.

123
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And, uh…

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But he needed it to be a woman's name
'cause it's women's discount clothes.

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And then, you know, we're Jewish,
so he wanted to sneak in a Jewish-y name,

126
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so he picked Sophie,
Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.

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And my nana, his mom,
was very upset because

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her best friend back in Boston
was Sophie Moskowitz.

129
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And she felt
that he was calling her crazy.

130
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And, uh, he explained to her,

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"Mom, if I named the store
after Sophie Moskowitz,

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I'd call it Ugly Sophie's Factory Outlet."

133
00:07:57,852 --> 00:08:00,813
And I thought that story was so funny,
so years ago,

134
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I told it on a talk show,

135
00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,193
and I didn't realize at the time

136
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:08,738
that, um, Sophie Moskowitz
was still with us.

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00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,907
And, um…

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It caused much tsuris
between the families.

139
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But I… I did make absolute sure, um,

140
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that she's dead now, so…

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My dad, uh, he called me every Saturday,

142
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:34,388
and I almost never picked up the phone
because his messages were gold.

143
00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:36,849
And I committed
a couple of them to memory.

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I remember one was around the time
when everybody had cell phones,

145
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like, even in New Hampshire, you know?

146
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And he calls me, and he goes,
"Guess where I am?"

147
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"The car wash. Can you believe it?"

148
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"I'm talking into this hunk of plastic,

149
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:56,994
and it's bouncing off the sky
and down to you."

150
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The sky. Yeah.

151
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And then he just starts going,

152
00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:03,125
"Oy."

153
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,586
"Oy!"

154
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:07,964
"Oy!"

155
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:11,509
His windows were down.

156
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:20,476
And I was listening to him
get soaked for several minutes.

157
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That is a very specific oy from my dad.

158
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,776
I haven't heard it a lot. Um…

159
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We went to exactly one movie together,
uh, when I was younger. Um…

160
00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:37,785
It seemed like the perfect movie
by the title, but it really wasn't.

161
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,954
It was called Boys Don't Cry.

162
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Brilliant film,
but don't go see it with your dad.

163
00:09:44,625 --> 00:09:45,668
And, uh…

164
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There's an absolutely brutal
sexual assault scene.

165
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:53,884
And during it,
the entire theater is silent,

166
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,095
and all you can hear is,

167
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"Oy."

168
00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:01,267
"Oy!"

169
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,772
The other message
I committed to memory was, uh…

170
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,861
I had… I had moved to Los Angeles,

171
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,781
and I was getting jobs,
like, on TV shows and stuff.

172
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,451
And, uh, he calls me up, and he goes,

173
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:22,371
"I know you're
a real Hollywood hotshot now."

174
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:26,000
"Maybe you could find time
in your busy schedule

175
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,711
to call back the guy who gave you life."

176
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:35,051
And then it sounds like he's hanging up,
but he gets, like, a new idea and he goes,

177
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:39,930
"I used to lift up your little legs
and wipe the shit out of your tuchus."

178
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,145
"Maybe you can find a minute for me."

179
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:52,318
He… He really loved getting old.

180
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:53,444
He loved it.

181
00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:57,573
He, he, he knew he was adorable.
He loved what he could get away with.

182
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,659
We were at a sandwich shop in LA.

183
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:03,204
And we're eating,
and these two huge muscle guys

184
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:06,916
walk over to him
and start, like, threatening him, like…

185
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,920
And he's laughing, and they leave,
and I'm like, "What was that?"

186
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:17,051
He goes, "Oh, I went to refill my Coke,
and then I saw those two big muscle guys."

187
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:20,096
"So I walked over there,
and I go, 'You know what?'"

188
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,515
"I feel like kicking some ass."

189
00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:27,019
With his little nubby elbows.

190
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:33,609
He had sacks of water
that just hung off of both of his elbows.

191
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:37,321
Uh, you know, even the doctor goes,
"I can drain those."

192
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,115
He said, "Nah,

193
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,283
my grandkids like it."

194
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:45,663
Oh, I was home.

195
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:50,251
Uh, I took a quick break from tour
to go home for the holidays.

196
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,253
And, uh, at that time,

197
00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:54,255
I, um, went and got my teeth cleaned

198
00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:57,425
because, of course,
death creeps in through the gums.

199
00:11:57,508 --> 00:12:01,554
And, uh, my dad and I had
the same dentist,

200
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:04,640
uh, Dr. Hernandez,
so it was fun to see him.

201
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,226
And he's cleaning my teeth, and he goes,

202
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,519
"I miss your dad!"

203
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,688
And I go, "I know, I miss him too."

204
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:15,067
And he goes, "No, you don't understand.
You have to look at my Yelp page."

205
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:22,408
So this is a little addition
on this half of the tour.

206
00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:24,869
Oh, fuck, I don't have, um…

207
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:27,621
I'm not wearing my glasses
'cause I'm shooting a special.

208
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,707
Somebody throw me some readers. Uh…

209
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,002
Just one of you. Some of you. Uh…

210
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,588
You know, don't panic. Um…

211
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,467
Just chuck 'em right up on stage.

212
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,386
Readers don't have,
like, a specific… Okay!

213
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:47,600
Was that you?

214
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:52,438
Ooh.

215
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,233
What do you clean these with, salami?

216
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,277
All right.

217
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,862
I'm kidding. Be grateful.

218
00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:01,071
I appreciate you.

219
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:05,868
This is my dad's Yelp review.

220
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,162
"Five stars."

221
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:13,167
"My dentist theory is,
if it doesn't hurt, don't fix it."

222
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:16,587
"At 84, this has worked
pretty good for me."

223
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:20,549
"Now, I finally find
an exception to my rule."

224
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:24,261
"And that exception is James Hernandez."

225
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:28,265
"No time is wasted
with Jimmy at the helm."

226
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:32,353
"He has golden hands,

227
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:36,148
fixing what ails your mouth
promptly and efficiently."

228
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:40,903
"Get rid of your old shit dentist,
and switch to the best."

229
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,405
"Tell him Schleppy sent you."

230
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:56,585
Oh my God.

231
00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,588
So funny.

232
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,883
Uh, he called himself a reverse snob,

233
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:07,221
which I tried to explain to him
is really just a snob, you know, and, uh…

234
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,557
But he hated rich people.

235
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,018
And they would go to Florida
in the winters for a while

236
00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,020
'cause Jewish law, and…

237
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:21,151
He would, uh… He'd sit at the Starbucks
and heckle people.

238
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:26,740
He's sitting there, and a guy in a Bentley
pulls into one of the spots.

239
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:29,577
And my dad stands
at the head of it and starts going…

240
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,247
"Good for you!"

241
00:14:34,915 --> 00:14:37,001
"Good for you.
You got yourself a Bentley."

242
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:39,670
"That could probably feed
100,000 people in Africa."

243
00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:42,089
"But you need a Bentley. Good for you."

244
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,802
My stepmother, she's like,
"I don't know what's going on."

245
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,097
"Your father's been punched in the face
three winters in a row."

246
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,184
Like, if he saw anyone
with a Rolex, he'd be like,

247
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:55,394
"Oh, nice Rolex."

248
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:59,440
"My Timex was 30 bucks,
and I can swim in it, but good for you."

249
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:03,068
"You need a Rolex.
Now everybody knows you're rich."

250
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,947
He really fucking hated rich people

251
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:08,741
until I started making money.

252
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:12,953
Then he was like,
"I'm never flying coach again."

253
00:15:15,497 --> 00:15:20,878
Uh, next, my mother,
my biological mother, Beth Ann O'Hara.

254
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:23,255
And I know some of you are…

255
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:24,840
Your wheels are spinning.

256
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,092
She married an Irish Catholic man.

257
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:30,137
She's fully Jewish.
You can still jerk off to me.

258
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,015
Um…

259
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,770
Beth Ann died eight years ago.

260
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:40,314
And, um… Let me describe her.

261
00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:44,276
She was… She was just a natural beauty,
no makeup.

262
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:45,527
She wore, like,

263
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:49,615
overalls with paint all over them
'cause she'd paint in them,

264
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:53,786
and, um, like, two different color socks.

265
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,121
And, uh, she had a jewelry box,

266
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:59,291
but it was filled
with, like, political pins.

267
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:03,671
And like, you know, no bra,
nipples out 'cause fuck the man.

268
00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:07,800
And then, in contrast to that,
her personality was…

269
00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:11,136
She… I don't… This isn't an original way
to describe her,

270
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:15,557
but she really was exactly
Diane Chambers from Cheers.

271
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,354
Like, she really said, like…
…when and where, and…

272
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:26,110
you know, grammar and diction
and enunciation were her passions.

273
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:29,989
We… l remember being with her as a kid.
We were ordering food.

274
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,073
And she goes, um,

275
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,618
"I'll have the breakfast croissant."

276
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,705
And, you know,
we live in Manchester, New Hampshire.

277
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:40,249
They say "avocaydo" there. I…

278
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:42,501
I'm like, "Mom…"

279
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:44,920
The girl's like, "The what?"

280
00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:48,215
"The croissant, the breakfast croissant."

281
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,467
I'm like, "Mom, it's a Croissan'wich."

282
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,762
"We're at Burger King.
Like, meet people where they're at."

283
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:58,851
She, um…

284
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:00,394
She was a director.

285
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:03,856
She directed local theater
in Manchester, New Hampshire.

286
00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:06,108
And she was a born director.

287
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:10,029
You know, little notes,
little corrections for everyone she met.

288
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:14,241
Never met a comment card
she didn't fill out.

289
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:15,909
Um…

290
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:19,246
She was actually the voice
of our local movie theater,

291
00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:21,373
uh, Bedford Mall Cinemas.

292
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:27,296
Um, "Where all bargain matinees are
only two dollars Monday through Saturday."

293
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:31,341
And she got the job, um,
because she complained.

294
00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:37,264
She went right in and said,
"I called to see what movies were playing,

295
00:17:37,347 --> 00:17:40,184
and the man on the line
was indecipherable."

296
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:43,395
"He had no diction. I couldn't understand
a word he was saying."

297
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,189
They were like, "You wanna do it?"

298
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:46,273
She was like,

299
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:50,861
"I…Well, I don't know. I…"

300
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:52,362
"Yes!"

301
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:53,781
"Yes! Okay!"

302
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,366
And, uh, a star was born.

303
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,370
She really never lied.

304
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:04,625
It would never occur to her to lie,
even to, like, protect someone's feelings.

305
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:07,669
She just… She just didn't do it,
you know? Like, uh…

306
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:08,921
She was directing a play,

307
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:12,299
and, and one of her young actresses
asked her, you know,

308
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:15,219
"Beth Ann, do you think
I could really make it someday?"

309
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,762
And she said, "No!"

310
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:23,685
The only reason I know that story was
I was asking my sister Susie

311
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:27,106
if she had any stories about Mom,
and she told that to me, and I said,

312
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,150
"How do you know that? Were you there?"
And she said, "No."

313
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:34,071
"Mom told me 'cause she couldn't
figure out why that girl was crying."

314
00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:39,993
That girl…

315
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:42,287
Pam Sullivan.

316
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:45,290
Right. You've never heard of her, right?

317
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:48,043
Not talented.

318
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,963
Did not have it.

319
00:18:56,343 --> 00:18:58,053
But, you know, she was my mom.

320
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:02,099
I… You know, I sat with her
as she was dying.

321
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:03,976
And I was holding her hand,

322
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:06,854
and it was a quiet moment.

323
00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:11,733
And it was the last thing she said to me,
and she looked up, and she said,

324
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,026
"Your hair."

325
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:15,654
"It's so dry."

326
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:24,997
I really wouldn't change it
for the world, you know?

327
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,166
I know it sounds like
I'm being hard on her,

328
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,876
but honestly, I'm so grateful.

329
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:32,713
She always told me the truth,
and it was a bummer a lot of the time.

330
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:36,425
But sometimes it was something nice,
and then I knew it was true, you know?

331
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:40,679
I mean, I think we need more Beth Anns
in the world, you know?

332
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:43,432
Uh, if we're lacking anything
in this world right now,

333
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,767
it's… it's truth, you know?

334
00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:52,357
The cold, hard, braless nipples of truth.

335
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:57,237
Enter Janice, my wicked stepmother,

336
00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,948
um, as she called herself.

337
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:03,076
She was just the sweetest lady
you could ever meet.

338
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:04,536
Um…

339
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,456
Just to give you a, um… idea.

340
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,917
Like, bleach-blonde hair.

341
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,710
Face full of makeup.

342
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,795
Nails that match the shoes.

343
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,297
A whole outfit.

344
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:19,551
She had a style.
Very different from my mother. Um…

345
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,220
And so sweet.

346
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,933
And one time, she picked me up after work,
and I got in the car,

347
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:28,477
and she said,
"What do you think of my makeup?"

348
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:31,563
And, uh, because I am
my mother's daughter…

349
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,234
…I did have several notes.

350
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,779
But because I was also Janice's daughter,

351
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:42,157
I did know to shut the fuck up
and tell her it was beautiful.

352
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:47,788
And honestly, thank God I did,
um, because then she said,

353
00:20:47,871 --> 00:20:49,373
"It's tattooed!"

354
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:57,547
Janice was very literal.

355
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,426
What do I mean by that? I don't even know,
but she, she needed, like,

356
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:03,553
specific instructions, you know?

357
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,139
She wasn't dumb. She was literal.
She needed…

358
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:10,060
She was very good at sports, for instance,
'cause she could learn each step.

359
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,647
You know, like… You know how, like,
I put my hair in a ponytail?

360
00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:14,940
It's just like…

361
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:17,025
You know? I feel like she'd be like,

362
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:20,195
"You pull the hair through,
and then you twist."

363
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:21,780
"Then you put the hair through that."

364
00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:24,116
You know what I mean? She's very step-by…

365
00:21:24,199 --> 00:21:27,411
You know how you scramble an egg?
You just gotta kinda have a feel for it.

366
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:30,539
I feel like Janice would be like,
"You put the fork in,

367
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:33,542
and then you put it in
a hundred little circles."

368
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:40,257
I was in the car with her, and, uh, I go,

369
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,342
"Janice, do you have any ChapStick?"

370
00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:44,553
And she looks, and she goes,

371
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:46,763
"Oh, shit."

372
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:50,267
"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, I don't."

373
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:51,935
And I go, "It's okay."

374
00:21:52,019 --> 00:21:54,354
And then, like, a moment later, she goes,

375
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:58,108
"I have something called
Vaseline Lip Therapy."

376
00:22:03,071 --> 00:22:04,823
"Yeah, that's great. I…"

377
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:09,369
"You know I'm not sponsored
by ChapStick, right?"

378
00:22:11,371 --> 00:22:14,416
Uh, my sister Laura is
just an all-around artist.

379
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:16,710
She does everything,
and she had painted something,

380
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:18,545
and she thought,
"Oh, Janice would like this."

381
00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:21,548
So she mailed it to her,
and then Janice got it.

382
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:25,302
And she called Laura,
and she goes, "How did you know?"

383
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:27,220
And Laura goes, "Know what?"

384
00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:29,890
And she goes, "It's all my colors."

385
00:22:29,973 --> 00:22:32,434
"Tan, bronze, and animal print."

386
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:36,355
This woman.

387
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:41,943
You know, I've been doing stand-up
since I was 17.

388
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:45,739
And when I think back at my younger years,

389
00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:49,701
at how absolutely cunty
and judgmental I was,

390
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:51,703
I'm so embarrassed.

391
00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:53,455
Like, I remember thinking, like,

392
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:57,084
"Ugh. Women in leopard print is so lame."

393
00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:58,919
Like, "It's so tacky."

394
00:22:59,419 --> 00:23:03,006
"Only old Jewish and Italian women
wear leopard print."

395
00:23:03,507 --> 00:23:06,468
And then I turned 50, and I realized,

396
00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:08,178
you know, it's such a fun print.

397
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:10,889
Um…

398
00:23:19,022 --> 00:23:21,566
So as Dad and Janice got older,

399
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:23,860
when they would have
doctor's appointments,

400
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:27,989
we would have them record on their iPhone,
you know, on the voice memo app.

401
00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:32,452
And then they would post that
on our family WhatsApp chain

402
00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:36,331
so we could listen to it and make sure
everything was being taken care of.

403
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:40,544
And… The Silverman family
is so up each other's assholes

404
00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:43,213
with WhatsApp chains, by the way. We, uh…

405
00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:48,385
We've got, like, Silverman United,
like, everyone WhatsApp chain.

406
00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:51,555
And then there's four sisters,
so then we have the, like,

407
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,306
the sisters chain with us.

408
00:23:53,390 --> 00:23:56,435
And then, um, like,
all the sisters minus one

409
00:23:56,518 --> 00:23:59,104
and all the different combinations.

410
00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:06,570
So Janice has this doctor's appointment,

411
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,949
and we know it's gonna be bad news.

412
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:14,619
We know it's… We're pretty sure
it's gonna be very bad news.

413
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,831
And we have them record, and, uh…

414
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:21,543
they post it on WhatsApp.

415
00:24:21,626 --> 00:24:23,378
And we're listening back,

416
00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:26,089
and you hear the doctor say,

417
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:29,426
"Janice, I'm so sorry to tell you this."

418
00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:32,888
"But you have stage-four pancreatic…"

419
00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:34,514
And then all of a sudden,

420
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:37,392
you just hear this very loud,

421
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,145
low, rolling fart.

422
00:24:43,064 --> 00:24:45,692
And it's… it's, like, three seconds.

423
00:24:46,401 --> 00:24:51,281
And I know people say three seconds
to denote, like, a quick amount of time.

424
00:24:51,364 --> 00:24:55,368
But if you really think about it,
like, with Mississippis,

425
00:24:56,411 --> 00:24:59,164
it's lengthy, you know?

426
00:25:00,874 --> 00:25:03,293
And I… I know it's my dad.

427
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:08,465
You're probably like, "Oh yeah,
I bet Schleppy farted all the time."

428
00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:11,259
I… I've never heard him fart
in my life. I just…

429
00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:16,056
I know that he did not have
the tools to handle this,

430
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:18,475
and so his body took over.

431
00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:21,478
And now I'm sitting there going,

432
00:25:21,561 --> 00:25:23,563
"Stage-four pancreatic what?"

433
00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:27,901
But I used context clues.

434
00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:34,032
Their individual reactions to this news…

435
00:25:34,115 --> 00:25:37,661
I'm still listening, you know,
and Janice is just…

436
00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:41,414
Her reaction is so Janice, you know?

437
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:42,666
She just goes,

438
00:25:43,416 --> 00:25:46,169
"Well, I'll just do
everything you tell me."

439
00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:48,588
"And I'll… I'll just do
every single thing you say,

440
00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:50,298
and I'll… I'll fight it."

441
00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:53,677
And… like, it was just so her.

442
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,304
And then my dad's reaction

443
00:25:57,264 --> 00:26:00,809
was the craziest thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.

444
00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:03,019
I'm not kidding.

445
00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:04,521
You just hear him go,

446
00:26:05,272 --> 00:26:06,982
"I'm alone!"

447
00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:17,367
Then he goes,

448
00:26:18,034 --> 00:26:19,578
"I'm a widow!"

449
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:28,795
I know my mother, Beth Ann,
is out there somewhere going,

450
00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:30,922
"It's widower," and… But, Mom…

451
00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:35,427
Um…

452
00:26:35,510 --> 00:26:37,512
It was so crazy.

453
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:38,763
Uh…

454
00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:43,977
I… I'm the designated dad whisperer,
and I was tasked with calling him.

455
00:26:44,686 --> 00:26:49,065
And I had to say,
"Dad, you cannot talk that way

456
00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:51,860
in front of your alive wife."

457
00:26:53,403 --> 00:26:56,990
"You have to
pull your shit together, okay?"

458
00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:58,450
"This isn't about you."

459
00:26:58,533 --> 00:27:02,037
"This is about Janice.
You have to take care of Janice."

460
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,790
"You have to focus.
You can't, like, fall down right now."

461
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:09,711
And he said, "I know, I know."
And then he started sobbing.

462
00:27:09,794 --> 00:27:12,756
And I've really never heard him
do that, you know?

463
00:27:12,839 --> 00:27:17,802
And he goes, "I just… I don't wanna be
in a world without my Janice."

464
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:20,347
"I just don't wanna be here without her."

465
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:23,642
And I just… I wanted to console him,
and I looked for something to say,

466
00:27:23,725 --> 00:27:26,478
and I said, "Well, you know,
statistically, you won't."

467
00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:28,313
And…

468
00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:29,981
I mean…

469
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:35,320
I didn't know that was gonna come true. I…

470
00:27:35,403 --> 00:27:37,113
Obviously, this is

471
00:27:38,657 --> 00:27:41,576
not a time to say,
"I told you so," or anything. I…

472
00:27:43,244 --> 00:27:44,537
But we got off the phone.

473
00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:47,666
He promised he was gonna
take care of Janice.

474
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:50,335
And the next day, I did talk to Janice,

475
00:27:50,418 --> 00:27:54,089
and she said that she asked him
for a glass of water.

476
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:56,007
And he said,

477
00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:58,009
"Where is it?"

478
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:09,521
"Where is water?"

479
00:28:10,897 --> 00:28:12,857
It's in your elbows, Dad.

480
00:28:20,824 --> 00:28:23,785
Find yourself a Capri Sun straw,
and pop it in there.

481
00:28:23,868 --> 00:28:25,036
She'll go to town.

482
00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:32,043
So, needless to say, uh,

483
00:28:32,127 --> 00:28:36,881
the four sisters and the few grandkids
descended on to their apartment.

484
00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:38,133
And we kinda…

485
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:41,094
We doula-ed them through death.

486
00:28:41,594 --> 00:28:44,973
And death is… is…

487
00:28:45,473 --> 00:28:47,559
It's really hard for me.

488
00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:51,688
And that's what makes me unique.

489
00:28:51,771 --> 00:28:54,774
And, uh… No, I… I know it's not.

490
00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:57,485
But it is. It's hard for me.

491
00:28:57,569 --> 00:29:01,614
It's very hard for me to even,
like, kill a small bug,

492
00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:02,991
and, you know,

493
00:29:03,074 --> 00:29:06,244
almost impossible
to make it look like a suicide.

494
00:29:06,327 --> 00:29:07,328
I, um…

495
00:29:09,539 --> 00:29:10,623
They're so little.

496
00:29:12,834 --> 00:29:17,088
We had flies… We had flies in the house,
a lot of flies, and I won't…

497
00:29:17,172 --> 00:29:19,632
I don't wanna kill anything, and I just…

498
00:29:19,716 --> 00:29:23,344
I opened the door and was just kinda,
like, air traffic controlling them, like,

499
00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:24,846
"Go! Pssh!"

500
00:29:24,929 --> 00:29:29,017
But in their defense, you know,
I realize they are houseflies.

501
00:29:30,101 --> 00:29:33,688
They were in their natural habitat,
so I let it go.

502
00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:37,859
But then, um, there were too many flies
up in our bedroom,

503
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:41,196
and it was too much,
and I… I didn't like it.

504
00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:43,448
I didn't like it at all.

505
00:29:43,531 --> 00:29:45,909
And Rory was like, um…

506
00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:50,205
"Do…" Ror… I can say it if I say it fancy.

507
00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:51,915
Rory. Rory.

508
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:54,209
Rory was like, uh,

509
00:29:54,292 --> 00:29:56,294
"Uh, you want me to get rid of them?"

510
00:29:57,045 --> 00:29:59,255
And I said,
"What do you mean get rid of them?"

511
00:30:00,965 --> 00:30:02,717
He said, "Do you want them gone?"

512
00:30:05,053 --> 00:30:06,054
I said, "Okay."

513
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:09,933
And I went outside the room,
and I shut the door,

514
00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:12,060
but I… I stayed, and I listened.

515
00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:16,898
And all of a sudden, I heard,
like, smash! Smack! Bam!

516
00:30:16,981 --> 00:30:18,233
And I was like…

517
00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:21,319
And he must have heard me go…

518
00:30:21,402 --> 00:30:23,279
And, uh, then he got quiet.

519
00:30:23,822 --> 00:30:26,491
And then I heard him open the window,

520
00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:28,243
and then he goes,

521
00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:29,536
"Bye, guys!"

522
00:30:30,954 --> 00:30:32,455
"Fly safe!"

523
00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:36,501
I know.

524
00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:38,586
And I know he did that for me, you know?

525
00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:43,550
I mean, I know he murdered them,
but he lied for me, you know?

526
00:30:45,301 --> 00:30:49,264
I think I… The reason why I have
such an affinity for flies…

527
00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:51,307
Oh my God,
we're still talking about flies?

528
00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:55,311
Yes. I do have
about four more minutes on flies.

529
00:30:57,564 --> 00:31:01,693
But, like, a million years ago,
I learned this fun fact that, um,

530
00:31:01,776 --> 00:31:06,114
flies, they only live for 24 hours.

531
00:31:06,197 --> 00:31:07,657
Like, that's their whole lifespan.

532
00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:11,160
And I don't know,
there's something about that that's so,

533
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:14,163
uh, beautiful
and heartbreaking and poetic,

534
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:17,000
you know, like, a whole lifetime in a day.

535
00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:20,962
And, uh, I don't know,
I just think it's so…

536
00:31:21,045 --> 00:31:24,716
You know, this is when
I actually first learned this.

537
00:31:24,799 --> 00:31:30,179
I was a writer/feature performer
on Saturday Night Live.

538
00:31:36,519 --> 00:31:39,063
Thank you. I… I made an indelible impact.

539
00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:44,569
And, uh, it was, uh, the 1993-94 season,

540
00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:47,822
just to give you an idea
of how good I look, and…

541
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:54,162
I had just learned that fun fact,
and it was Phil Hartman's last year.

542
00:31:54,245 --> 00:31:56,706
-Aw.
-And… Not of life, but…

543
00:31:56,789 --> 00:31:58,875
…at the show.

544
00:31:58,958 --> 00:32:01,628
He went on, and he did
that, uh, NewsRadio, you know?

545
00:32:02,128 --> 00:32:05,173
And, uh, he was so nice,
and he said, he goes,

546
00:32:05,256 --> 00:32:07,717
"Hey, why don't you write a sketch
for us to do together?"

547
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,302
And I was like, "Okay."

548
00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:12,722
And I wrote a sketch,
and it was about flies.

549
00:32:12,805 --> 00:32:15,058
You know, like, it… it starts with, uh,

550
00:32:15,141 --> 00:32:18,353
one of those, like, Star Wars crawls
that explains it.

551
00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:20,939
"The average fly lives 24 hours."
Blah, blah, blah.

552
00:32:21,022 --> 00:32:25,818
And then he played, like,
an elderly fly on his deathbed,

553
00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:27,862
like, twenty-three and a half

554
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:29,197
hours old.

555
00:32:30,907 --> 00:32:34,410
And I'm, like, a young fly,
just sprouted wings,

556
00:32:34,494 --> 00:32:37,956
and he's telling me
the ways of the world, like, you know,

557
00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:41,000
"I remember noon," or whatever.

558
00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:42,585
And, uh…

559
00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:46,255
And then, I don't remember it,
but at the end,

560
00:32:46,339 --> 00:32:49,759
like, a dog comes
and takes a shit and then leaves.

561
00:32:49,842 --> 00:32:53,680
And then he says something
to me like, "Go get it, kid." And, uh…

562
00:32:54,889 --> 00:32:57,934
You're not gonna believe this.
It didn't make the air. But, uh…

563
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:02,313
I just, like…
I think flies are just so cute.

564
00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:04,399
And I don't understand why we kill them.

565
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:08,027
I mean, we love animals
when they're small.

566
00:33:08,111 --> 00:33:12,031
And then they get too small,
and you're like, "Kill them."

567
00:33:12,782 --> 00:33:14,367
You're monsters.

568
00:33:15,410 --> 00:33:19,205
They're so little, you know,
with their, like, their little wings

569
00:33:19,288 --> 00:33:21,165
and their giant eyes,

570
00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:25,211
and they've got their hands going
like they're hatching a plan, you know?

571
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:29,632
Like, I was brushing my teeth,
and there he was, a little baby fly,

572
00:33:29,716 --> 00:33:30,925
just sprouted wings.

573
00:33:31,009 --> 00:33:32,010
And I was like,

574
00:33:32,093 --> 00:33:36,389
"Welcome to the world, buddy.
You're gonna have such an adventure."

575
00:33:36,472 --> 00:33:39,684
And then, um, that night,
I was washing my face,

576
00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:40,935
and there he was.

577
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:43,604
He was all grizzled and old and, like,

578
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:47,692
wasn't even… He wasn't flying anymore.

579
00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:50,737
He would just take, like,
a stilted half-step now and then.

580
00:33:52,196 --> 00:33:53,990
And I said, "You did it, man."

581
00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:57,618
"What a ride."

582
00:33:59,746 --> 00:34:02,999
And Rory was in the bathroom.

583
00:34:04,417 --> 00:34:05,668
And he said,

584
00:34:06,169 --> 00:34:08,046
"I don't think that's the same fly."

585
00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:12,383
I…

586
00:34:12,467 --> 00:34:16,846
I think it's just this moment in time,
in our world, in our country.

587
00:34:16,929 --> 00:34:19,640
I just… I don't want a man
to tell me anything.

588
00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:21,893
Not… Just not… And not anything at all.

589
00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:25,188
And it… it's not right…

590
00:34:25,271 --> 00:34:26,773
…but this is how I feel.

591
00:34:28,816 --> 00:34:31,611
I said, "It's the same fly,
but thank you."

592
00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:38,201
Then he has the fucking lips to go,

593
00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:41,871
"Are you sure flies only live 24 hours?"

594
00:34:43,623 --> 00:34:46,417
I'm like…"You know what?
Maybe you should look it up."

595
00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:49,796
"Because what do I know?
I'm just a girl. I probably dreamt it."

596
00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:53,549
And he did back down,
and he's like, "Okay, okay." But, um…

597
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:57,970
I did end up looking it up,
and they live about a month, but, um…

598
00:34:58,471 --> 00:34:59,847
I don't know. You know…

599
00:35:05,561 --> 00:35:07,271
I don't give a fuck! No.

600
00:35:11,734 --> 00:35:13,486
So Janice went first.

601
00:35:14,695 --> 00:35:16,322
Four months to the day.

602
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,159
She loved life-- Was that too fast a turn?

603
00:35:21,369 --> 00:35:24,705
She loved life so much.
She wanted to live, you know?

604
00:35:24,789 --> 00:35:26,624
She did everything right.

605
00:35:26,707 --> 00:35:27,959
And it just sucked, and…

606
00:35:28,042 --> 00:35:30,461
And this seems like a good time
to mention, um,

607
00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:33,422
I do have merch this tour.

608
00:35:33,506 --> 00:35:36,175
How fun is that?

609
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,762
You know, I've never really
had merch before.

610
00:35:39,846 --> 00:35:43,766
You know, we got Schleppy hats
and Postmortem T-shirts,

611
00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:47,937
and, like, big, gray, like,
collegiate sweatshirts that say Silverman.

612
00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:50,231
It makes me feel
like I went to college, and, uh…

613
00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:53,192
You know, I…
I never really had merch before,

614
00:35:53,276 --> 00:35:57,238
but I just really feel like my parents
would want me to monetize this.

615
00:36:02,618 --> 00:36:04,829
Thank you.

616
00:36:04,912 --> 00:36:05,872
Thank you.

617
00:36:09,292 --> 00:36:13,963
So, uh, like I said, Janice went first,
and we knew it was coming.

618
00:36:14,589 --> 00:36:18,259
And, uh, I had actually gone home
that night to sleep.

619
00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:24,515
And I got a text from my sister Susie,
who's a rabbi, around 7:00 a.m.

620
00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:25,892
And she said, uh…

621
00:36:27,101 --> 00:36:31,063
She said, "Janice passed away
around 2:00 a.m."

622
00:36:31,814 --> 00:36:35,151
"And she's still here,
and Dad is sleeping."

623
00:36:35,234 --> 00:36:37,570
"They're holding hands."
They were holding hands.

624
00:36:38,070 --> 00:36:43,201
And she said, "You know, normally,
Dad would be up, but I think he,

625
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:48,039
in his bones, you know, he…
he knows, and he just

626
00:36:49,415 --> 00:36:51,459
doesn't wanna face it."

627
00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:54,629
"Um, but I'm here,
I'm sitting right next to him,

628
00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:56,214
and I'll be here when he wakes up."

629
00:36:56,297 --> 00:36:57,840
And I said, "Okay, great."

630
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:01,677
And then all of a sudden,
she remembers this joke

631
00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:03,804
that she and my dad always loved.

632
00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:08,267
And the joke is something like,
uh, a brother calls his brother,

633
00:37:08,351 --> 00:37:11,187
and he goes, uh, "The cat died."

634
00:37:11,270 --> 00:37:13,940
And then the brother goes,
"Don't just call and say the cat died."

635
00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:15,983
He goes, "What do you want me to say?"
He goes,

636
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:19,612
"Call and say the cat's on the roof,
and we can't get her down."

637
00:37:20,112 --> 00:37:24,450
"Then call and say, 'We're at the vet.
It's not looking good.'"

638
00:37:25,618 --> 00:37:27,954
"Then call and say, 'The cat died.'"

639
00:37:28,913 --> 00:37:31,415
And the brother says, "Okay, I'm sorry."

640
00:37:31,499 --> 00:37:34,126
And his brother goes,
"It's all right. How's Mom?"

641
00:37:34,210 --> 00:37:36,087
And… You're ahead of it.

642
00:37:38,506 --> 00:37:41,509
He says, "She's on the roof,
and we can't get her down."

643
00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:45,972
So now Rabbi Susie

644
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:51,060
remembers this all in one minute,
and she just… she's hysterically laughing.

645
00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:55,189
And she is a rabbi,
but when she starts, she can't stop.

646
00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:58,526
And it's loud,
and tears are running down her face.

647
00:37:58,609 --> 00:37:59,735
And she just can't stop.

648
00:37:59,819 --> 00:38:04,323
And she's now terrified that Dad is gonna
wake up and be like, "What's so funny?"

649
00:38:04,407 --> 00:38:06,993
And she'd be like, "Janice died."

650
00:38:10,579 --> 00:38:12,164
And she texts me, and she goes,

651
00:38:12,248 --> 00:38:14,834
"When he wakes up,
should I say that Janice is on the roof,

652
00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:16,544
and we can't get her down?"

653
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:20,214
And I'm like, "Yes!"

654
00:38:21,841 --> 00:38:25,386
Because we are a very dark,
fucked-up family, but I…

655
00:38:26,095 --> 00:38:29,890
I did think better of it,
and I said, "No, be a rabbi."

656
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,310
"And later in the day, uh,

657
00:38:33,019 --> 00:38:34,020
I'll tell him."

658
00:38:34,770 --> 00:38:36,439
But it's so funny. We're…

659
00:38:36,522 --> 00:38:40,943
We're only just grieving, like, now,
you know, because it took…

660
00:38:41,027 --> 00:38:44,196
There's just so much logistics.
You don't expect it.

661
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:46,407
It's not how it is,
like, in the movies or something.

662
00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:48,993
It's just… There's so much to do, and I…

663
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:51,162
I feel bad saying this.

664
00:38:51,245 --> 00:38:52,830
They were such responsible people,

665
00:38:52,913 --> 00:38:56,125
but the craziest thing is
they made no death plan.

666
00:38:56,625 --> 00:39:00,463
And so we were left with so much to do.
And I… I don't want to blame…

667
00:39:00,546 --> 00:39:03,507
I mean, listen, in their defense,
they were only 80 and 85.

668
00:39:03,591 --> 00:39:04,592
Who knew?

669
00:39:06,427 --> 00:39:08,679
And I guess I basically knew
what they wanted.

670
00:39:08,763 --> 00:39:12,099
Like, my dad always said,
"Throw me in a pine box and bury me."

671
00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:14,727
"I'll push up the flowers
and the trees." And…

672
00:39:15,311 --> 00:39:19,565
I think Janice would've liked
a nice, you know, five-star, kind of,

673
00:39:19,648 --> 00:39:20,858
silk-lined…

674
00:39:20,941 --> 00:39:24,487
With a… maybe a string and a bell
just in case.

675
00:39:24,570 --> 00:39:26,572
Um…

676
00:39:27,865 --> 00:39:31,243
But I remember, you know,
they came over every Sunday,

677
00:39:31,327 --> 00:39:35,247
uh, for bagels and cream cheese,
and it was just my favorite day.

678
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:39,043
And they were over,
maybe this was two years ago,

679
00:39:39,126 --> 00:39:41,545
and, uh, everyone was in the backyard,

680
00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:45,091
and my dad and I were alone
in the kitchen, and I asked him, I said,

681
00:39:45,174 --> 00:39:47,218
"Are you afraid of dying?"

682
00:39:47,301 --> 00:39:50,262
And he goes, "Not at all."

683
00:39:51,180 --> 00:39:55,267
"I don't remember before I was born.
I'm not gonna remember after."

684
00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:57,061
But then he goes,

685
00:39:57,770 --> 00:40:00,231
"But I'm just… I'm scared it will hurt."

686
00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:04,193
And he… My dad was a huge pain pussy.

687
00:40:04,276 --> 00:40:07,530
He, um… It's true.
He was so afraid it would hurt.

688
00:40:07,613 --> 00:40:11,909
He once got a, you know, an EKG,
where they put all the stickers on you.

689
00:40:11,992 --> 00:40:14,328
He would not pull those stickers off.

690
00:40:15,663 --> 00:40:18,040
He's like, "I'm afraid
it will pull my hair."

691
00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:21,127
He goes, "I'm gonna let it wear off."

692
00:40:21,210 --> 00:40:23,838
And he really did.
I mean, it took, like, weeks.

693
00:40:23,921 --> 00:40:27,299
He was in a pool at one point
with all these EKG stickers.

694
00:40:28,259 --> 00:40:31,345
He looked like a… like a dog
that just had puppies.

695
00:40:36,684 --> 00:40:40,354
So he… he really wasn't scared,
but he was, he was scared it would hurt.

696
00:40:40,438 --> 00:40:42,314
And his doctor called me.

697
00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:45,234
We're taking care of him now,
and Janice is gone.

698
00:40:46,026 --> 00:40:48,195
And I'm the point person,
so I answer the phone,

699
00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:52,324
and I take it in the hallway,
and his doctor, Dr. Nortman, said, um,

700
00:40:53,033 --> 00:40:55,911
"Listen, we just got
your dad's blood results back,

701
00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:57,329
and he's dying."

702
00:40:57,413 --> 00:40:59,165
"He needs to be in the hospital."

703
00:40:59,665 --> 00:41:02,209
And I said,
"I don't know what to do because I…"

704
00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:04,420
"We promised him no more hospital."

705
00:41:04,503 --> 00:41:06,380
"He fucking hates it there."

706
00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,340
And the doctor said, "You know, look,

707
00:41:08,424 --> 00:41:11,719
as a doctor,
I have to suggest he go to the hospital."

708
00:41:12,303 --> 00:41:16,182
"As a human being, I… you know,
I think that's fine."

709
00:41:16,265 --> 00:41:19,143
"If he goes to the hospital,
he'll live a few more days,

710
00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:21,103
but they'll be hospital days."

711
00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:24,732
"And right now, he's home,
he's surrounded by family,

712
00:41:24,815 --> 00:41:27,026
and I… I actually think
that's just the ticket."

713
00:41:27,109 --> 00:41:28,194
Then he said,

714
00:41:28,277 --> 00:41:32,573
"The way he's gonna die is kidney failure,

715
00:41:32,656 --> 00:41:35,701
which just happens to be
a painless death."

716
00:41:36,368 --> 00:41:38,370
"You go into a fog, eventually."

717
00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:40,873
"It's almost euphoric,
and you're just gone."

718
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:45,002
And I was so excited for my dad,
and I ran into his room.

719
00:41:45,085 --> 00:41:46,921
I probably should've taken a beat.

720
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:51,383
I said, "Dad, great news!"

721
00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:56,013
He's like, "Huh?"

722
00:41:56,096 --> 00:41:57,139
I'm like…

723
00:41:57,973 --> 00:42:00,309
"Mitigate your expectations.
You're dying."

724
00:42:01,060 --> 00:42:05,856
But I said, "No more meds."
You know, he was on, like, 40 pills a day.

725
00:42:06,357 --> 00:42:08,067
He goes, "No more meds?"

726
00:42:08,150 --> 00:42:09,735
I go, "None. You're done."

727
00:42:09,818 --> 00:42:13,656
"And we're all gonna
live here with you forever."

728
00:42:13,739 --> 00:42:15,241
Aww.

729
00:42:15,324 --> 00:42:16,867
And… What?

730
00:42:17,451 --> 00:42:19,161
He knew what I meant though.

731
00:42:19,245 --> 00:42:21,747
And then I told him exactly
how he was gonna die

732
00:42:21,830 --> 00:42:24,041
and that it wasn't gonna hurt at all.

733
00:42:24,124 --> 00:42:26,877
And his shoulders went down,
and he was so happy.

734
00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:30,589
We all got into bed with him.
It was a great death, you know?

735
00:42:30,673 --> 00:42:34,009
We… we were singing old camp songs.
He loved camp.

736
00:42:34,093 --> 00:42:37,179
And, uh, telling funny
Silverman family stories.

737
00:42:37,263 --> 00:42:40,432
I made a mix for him
of all the biggest hits

738
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:42,476
from the summer he was 17

739
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,937
'cause I feel like
that was his happiest summer.

740
00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:47,356
And he knew every word to every song.

741
00:42:47,439 --> 00:42:49,024
It was pretty awesome.

742
00:42:49,108 --> 00:42:52,695
So, you know, Janice is gone,
Dad is going,

743
00:42:52,778 --> 00:42:56,407
and I'm back on the phone
with the same mortuary where we put Janice

744
00:42:56,490 --> 00:42:58,033
to try to get ahead of it.

745
00:42:58,117 --> 00:43:00,327
And I go into Dad's room, and I said, um,

746
00:43:01,328 --> 00:43:04,123
"Dad, I know you wanted to be buried,

747
00:43:04,206 --> 00:43:08,085
but would you mind
being cremated? Only because…"

748
00:43:08,168 --> 00:43:11,463
And… what I'm about to say is…

749
00:43:11,547 --> 00:43:13,340
It's gonna be bad for the Jews.

750
00:43:13,424 --> 00:43:15,509
But I…

751
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:18,137
I did get a deal on Janice's plot.

752
00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:19,972
I really did. I, uh…

753
00:43:21,932 --> 00:43:23,892
"It's called a 'plus one,'

754
00:43:24,393 --> 00:43:28,105
and you can be buried with her,
like, three feet above,

755
00:43:28,188 --> 00:43:30,399
but you have to be cremated to fit."

756
00:43:30,482 --> 00:43:33,319
And he goes,
"I don't give a fuck. I'll be dead."

757
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:35,529
And I'm like, "Ah! You're so easy."

758
00:43:35,613 --> 00:43:37,239
"We'll take it. Thank you."

759
00:43:47,708 --> 00:43:52,004
And the guy from the mortuary goes,
"Uh, was that your father?"

760
00:43:58,552 --> 00:44:00,137
I said, "Yeah."

761
00:44:00,763 --> 00:44:01,930
And he said, uh,

762
00:44:02,431 --> 00:44:06,352
"We can't schedule a cremation
for someone who's currently living."

763
00:44:08,687 --> 00:44:11,690
Like… he said it like I was the asshole.

764
00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:13,859
You know, I…

765
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:18,572
I'm like, "You're a Jewish mortuary.
You shouldn't even be offering cremation."

766
00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:22,034
"All of a sudden, you're a stickler?" I…

767
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:27,373
What am I supposed to do?
Like, cremation takes one to two weeks.

768
00:44:27,456 --> 00:44:30,542
Like, in Jewish,
the funeral is, like, the next day.

769
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:33,420
It's… It's very farm-to-table. And, like…

770
00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:38,592
Huh.

771
00:44:40,803 --> 00:44:44,390
Oh, and then I go, "And by the way,
Janice had tattoos."

772
00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:50,979
I mean, it was her lips
and her eyebrows, but still, she did.

773
00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:57,778
But, you know, then I realized
we don't need the ashes for the funeral.

774
00:44:57,861 --> 00:44:59,196
It's, you know…

775
00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:01,532
He's not really there.

776
00:45:01,615 --> 00:45:04,451
It's… It's for us. A funeral is for us.

777
00:45:04,535 --> 00:45:06,370
And, uh, I don't think
anyone's gonna be like,

778
00:45:06,453 --> 00:45:08,747
"Yeah, where are the ashes?"
You know, just…

779
00:45:08,831 --> 00:45:11,917
We just… We had a beautiful funeral,
and a couple weeks later,

780
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:16,630
we got the ashes, and the four sisters
did a little something, you know, but…

781
00:45:17,339 --> 00:45:20,551
I don't know, I… My therapist said,

782
00:45:20,634 --> 00:45:24,221
"Your parents, your loved ones,
they're not in the casket."

783
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:25,597
"They're not in the ground."

784
00:45:25,681 --> 00:45:29,101
"They're… They're in the car with you
on the way to the cemetery."

785
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:31,645
"They're in the car with you
going home from the cemetery."

786
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:35,023
And I really believe that.
I… I happen to be godless,

787
00:45:35,107 --> 00:45:40,070
but I do believe in science, and I know

788
00:45:40,654 --> 00:45:44,074
that energy cannot be created
nor destroyed.

789
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:45,200
I wrote that.

790
00:45:45,284 --> 00:45:47,536
And…

791
00:45:50,789 --> 00:45:51,915
And I believe that. I…

792
00:45:51,999 --> 00:45:54,418
You know, our… our loved ones,
they're not in the ground

793
00:45:54,501 --> 00:45:57,087
or in their bodies anymore. They're…

794
00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:58,922
But their energy, their…

795
00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:02,092
their essence, their "-ness" is out there,

796
00:46:02,176 --> 00:46:06,472
and I actually think
that our loved ones are watching over us.

797
00:46:06,555 --> 00:46:11,685
You know, maybe not all the time,
but in the important moments, um,

798
00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:14,021
like when we're masturbating or…

799
00:46:17,691 --> 00:46:18,942
Oh, Sarah.

800
00:46:20,527 --> 00:46:22,529
I don't know why I would say that.

801
00:46:23,614 --> 00:46:24,531
I think I…

802
00:46:25,407 --> 00:46:29,328
Like, I need to think that
in order to come, but…

803
00:46:32,414 --> 00:46:35,083
I just… Because the show is so sad,
and then I worry,

804
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,753
and then I go too far
the other way, but I…

805
00:46:38,754 --> 00:46:40,047
It's a balance.

806
00:46:41,048 --> 00:46:42,466
But I… I do think…

807
00:46:42,549 --> 00:46:46,136
I do think that our loved ones
are watching over us when we masturbate.

808
00:46:47,012 --> 00:46:48,305
As…

809
00:46:48,388 --> 00:46:50,557
As evidenced by the faint, "Oy."

810
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:52,434
Oy!

811
00:46:53,852 --> 00:46:54,686
Oy!

812
00:46:56,939 --> 00:46:58,398
Really? Huh.

813
00:46:58,482 --> 00:46:59,525
Thanks.

814
00:47:04,196 --> 00:47:10,869
So, uh, you know, now my dad is dying,
and, oh my God, he's being so funny.

815
00:47:10,953 --> 00:47:13,080
Like, at one point, he goes, um…

816
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:16,458
He musters up all his energy, and he goes,

817
00:47:16,542 --> 00:47:18,460
"I changed my mind."

818
00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:20,546
"I want to live."

819
00:47:21,129 --> 00:47:24,842
And my sister Susie, the rabbi, goes…

820
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:28,178
And I go, "Susie, he's fucking with you."

821
00:47:29,763 --> 00:47:33,600
And then Susie came to the show
when I was on tour a couple weeks ago.

822
00:47:33,684 --> 00:47:36,520
And she came backstage,
and she goes, "Are you kidding me?"

823
00:47:36,603 --> 00:47:38,063
"You were the one that gasped,

824
00:47:38,146 --> 00:47:41,400
and I was the one that told you
he was fucking with you."

825
00:47:41,483 --> 00:47:44,820
And then, um,
I had to explain to her that,

826
00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:47,739
like, that's not who she is in this.

827
00:47:51,076 --> 00:47:52,452
And…

828
00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:59,293
So we're taking turns sitting with him
and sleeping next to him, and, uh…

829
00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:01,211
at one point,

830
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:05,257
Rory is, um… He's sitting with my dad.

831
00:48:05,340 --> 00:48:07,926
And my dad's phone went off.

832
00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:10,304
And I don't understand how old people…

833
00:48:10,804 --> 00:48:14,349
They don't know how to use a smartphone,
but somehow they hack into it

834
00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:16,685
and make the volume 1,000.

835
00:48:16,768 --> 00:48:18,854
And, um…

836
00:48:18,937 --> 00:48:22,441
Also, the ringtone was
"The Star-Spangled Banner," and, uh…

837
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:26,236
Rory's like, uh,
"You want me to answer this?"

838
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,614
"It's somebody named Steve Forman."

839
00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:30,699
And my dad goes, "Okay."

840
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,619
So he puts it on speaker,
and he holds it up.

841
00:48:33,702 --> 00:48:37,706
And this guy Steve Forman goes,
"Schleppy, say it ain't so!"

842
00:48:37,789 --> 00:48:42,002
And they have a little conversation,
and it's very sweet, and they hang up.

843
00:48:42,085 --> 00:48:45,297
And, uh, my dad says to Rory,

844
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:47,007
"You know who that was?"

845
00:48:47,090 --> 00:48:49,801
"You ever hear of imitation crab?"

846
00:48:51,845 --> 00:48:54,014
Hm.

847
00:48:57,017 --> 00:49:01,980
Rory's like, uh, "Yeah, they, like, put it
in sushi sometimes, right?"

848
00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:06,985
And, uh, my dad goes,
"That guy invented imitation crab."

849
00:49:07,819 --> 00:49:10,030
And he looked it up. He really did.

850
00:49:10,822 --> 00:49:13,909
"In 1970, and now he's rich."

851
00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:17,162
And so Rory goes, "That's amazing.
How'd you meet him?"

852
00:49:17,245 --> 00:49:18,580
And my dad goes,

853
00:49:18,664 --> 00:49:20,290
"Dunkin' Donuts."

854
00:49:22,125 --> 00:49:23,377
They met at Dunkin' Donuts,

855
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:26,213
and now they're having
a conversation on his deathbed.

856
00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:29,800
Um, a lot of my friends came by
to say goodbye to him

857
00:49:29,883 --> 00:49:32,636
because, uh, like,
my dad played poker with us.

858
00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:36,390
So a lot of my friends,
my comic friends, um, knew him.

859
00:49:36,473 --> 00:49:38,809
And, uh, Jeff Ross, you know, uh,

860
00:49:38,892 --> 00:49:41,603
Jeffrey Ross,
the, uh, Roastmaster General.

861
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:43,397
Um…

862
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,190
The best roaster in town.

863
00:49:45,732 --> 00:49:48,986
He's been very close
to my parents for a long time.

864
00:49:49,069 --> 00:49:52,823
And he came to sit with him,
and when he walked in, he goes,

865
00:49:52,906 --> 00:49:54,366
"Schleppy, I got bad news."

866
00:49:54,449 --> 00:49:58,036
"I don't think you can be
my emergency contact anymore."

867
00:50:02,290 --> 00:50:03,291
And, uh…

868
00:50:04,626 --> 00:50:06,545
He sat with him and, actually, um,

869
00:50:06,628 --> 00:50:10,215
Jeff introduced my dad and Janice
to a friend of his,

870
00:50:10,298 --> 00:50:14,678
this older, uh, magician
named Bernie Shine.

871
00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:17,723
And they all became friends,
like, the last ten years or so.

872
00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:21,685
And they had gone… Dad and Janice
had gone to see Bernie perform,

873
00:50:21,768 --> 00:50:24,021
like, six months earlier, you know?

874
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:26,314
So Jeff is sitting with my dad,
and he goes,

875
00:50:26,398 --> 00:50:29,276
"You want me to FaceTime Bernie
so you can say goodbye?"

876
00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:30,569
And he said, "Okay."

877
00:50:31,194 --> 00:50:33,447
And he FaceTimes him, and he holds it up.

878
00:50:33,947 --> 00:50:37,492
And Bernie gets on,
and he says, "Donald, I'm so sorry."

879
00:50:37,576 --> 00:50:40,787
And my dad said,
"Bernie, your show was so bad,

880
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:42,622
it killed Janice."

881
00:50:50,422 --> 00:50:51,631
And then he goes,

882
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:54,009
"And I'm not feeling so hot either."

883
00:50:57,554 --> 00:51:00,307
He was… He was killing while dying.

884
00:51:02,392 --> 00:51:05,353
And he was supposed to, you know…
This was supposed to be it.

885
00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:06,772
And, you know, it was…

886
00:51:06,855 --> 00:51:10,942
I think we reached this time
where, like, we had really said it all,

887
00:51:11,026 --> 00:51:13,653
and he was, like, um…

888
00:51:13,737 --> 00:51:15,947
like, not dying, you know?

889
00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:20,702
And it was, honestly,
getting uncomfortable, a little bit.

890
00:51:21,453 --> 00:51:22,454
It was…

891
00:51:22,537 --> 00:51:24,623
It was awkward, and, uh…

892
00:51:25,457 --> 00:51:28,835
So I'm sitting with him,
and, you know, we had said it all, and…

893
00:51:29,503 --> 00:51:30,837
I said, um,

894
00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:33,423
"I dunno, you wanna watch TV?"

895
00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:35,467
He goes, "Okay."

896
00:51:35,550 --> 00:51:38,136
And we watched, um… Oh.

897
00:51:38,220 --> 00:51:43,016
We watched that series Beef,
you know, with Ali Wong and Steven Yeun.

898
00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:46,603
So fucked up, dark.
We love that shit, and it was great.

899
00:51:46,686 --> 00:51:50,148
We watched three episodes,
and then I went home to sleep.

900
00:51:50,232 --> 00:51:51,858
And so I came in the next morning.

901
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:55,529
I go, "Schleppy, you ready
for episode 4?" And he goes,

902
00:51:55,612 --> 00:51:57,364
"I watched it."

903
00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,745
"You watched it without me? What…"

904
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:06,123
"All right, what episode are you on?"

905
00:52:06,206 --> 00:52:08,500
He goes, "I binged it all."

906
00:52:12,045 --> 00:52:14,756
"My dad binged Beef on his deathbed…"

907
00:52:16,633 --> 00:52:19,427
…should be a billboard for Beef, really.

908
00:52:22,931 --> 00:52:26,434
He had a friend… There was a guy
named Barry Tatelman.

909
00:52:26,518 --> 00:52:27,936
Absolute mensch.

910
00:52:28,019 --> 00:52:31,148
Uh, we didn't know him
until about 15 years ago.

911
00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:33,692
He… He searched for my dad.

912
00:52:34,317 --> 00:52:38,905
And, uh, he found him on Facebook,
and they've been close the last 15 years.

913
00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:42,701
Why was Barry Tatelman
searching for my dad?

914
00:52:43,285 --> 00:52:47,664
Because my dad was his camp counselor
and changed his life.

915
00:52:48,415 --> 00:52:51,001
And, you know, ever since he died,

916
00:52:51,084 --> 00:52:54,796
all these old men have called
into my podcast to say, you know,

917
00:52:54,880 --> 00:52:58,884
"Your dad was my camp counselor
and… and changed my life."

918
00:52:59,509 --> 00:53:01,344
Well, he molested them.

919
00:53:05,432 --> 00:53:07,058
Relief laugh.

920
00:53:15,567 --> 00:53:21,198
So, uh, Schleppy did die,
painlessly, as promised.

921
00:53:21,698 --> 00:53:26,953
And it's so odd, you know,
because I now have no parents.

922
00:53:27,037 --> 00:53:30,999
And there's really no age
where you are ready,

923
00:53:31,082 --> 00:53:33,210
uh, to have no parents.

924
00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:38,465
You know, first, my stepdad, John O'Hara,
who didn't even make this special.

925
00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:42,302
So wonderful.

926
00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:46,139
And my mother, Beth Ann, who,

927
00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:49,392
you know,
didn't get away unscathed, per se.

928
00:53:50,393 --> 00:53:54,397
And then Janice, and now my dad, and…

929
00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:58,276
My experience is like, um…

930
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:02,781
At first, I really…
I felt rudderless, I think, you know?

931
00:54:03,281 --> 00:54:04,407
And, um…

932
00:54:05,450 --> 00:54:09,162
And then I kind of felt, like,
identity crisis-y, you know?

933
00:54:09,246 --> 00:54:12,332
Like, who am I without them?

934
00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:15,794
You know? Like, who am I

935
00:54:16,753 --> 00:54:17,879
without them?

936
00:54:18,380 --> 00:54:23,593
And if you ever are wondering
who you are, uh,

937
00:54:23,677 --> 00:54:29,140
take a look at the ads that are sent
to you and only you on your phone.

938
00:54:32,644 --> 00:54:34,187
That's who you are.

939
00:54:38,692 --> 00:54:40,568
Everybody knows about it now.
It's not like…

940
00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:42,362
You know, everyone knows targeted ads.

941
00:54:42,445 --> 00:54:46,199
Like, Siri's listening to you,
and Alexa's listening to you.

942
00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:48,159
And everything you type
into your search bar

943
00:54:48,243 --> 00:54:51,288
gets taken into account and fed to you.

944
00:54:51,371 --> 00:54:54,207
But there was a time
when this was happening,

945
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:56,001
and we were not aware of it.

946
00:54:56,668 --> 00:54:59,212
And, uh, you know, like,
I would look at my phone and be like,

947
00:54:59,296 --> 00:55:02,382
"Oh my God, I was just talking
about culottes," or whatever.

948
00:55:04,509 --> 00:55:08,263
Ads would… would just pop up,
and… and when I think about that time,

949
00:55:08,346 --> 00:55:13,018
I'm so embarrassed
at how absolutely indignant I was.

950
00:55:13,727 --> 00:55:15,437
You know, I remember saying,

951
00:55:15,937 --> 00:55:20,233
"I was reading The New York Times
op-ed section on my phone,

952
00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:25,071
and all of a sudden,
an ad pops up for ilovecum.com?"

953
00:55:27,824 --> 00:55:30,035
"Children could be reading this!"

954
00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:34,748
"Why would The New York Times

955
00:55:35,790 --> 00:55:38,418
sell ad space to these people?"

956
00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:45,008
And, of course,
it's because, um, they're not. They…

957
00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:47,927
That was just my phone

958
00:55:49,095 --> 00:55:50,472
knowing me.

959
00:55:52,682 --> 00:55:56,561
I don't want you to think of me, like,
typing in ilovecum.com.

960
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,563
First of all, it's a .org, but…

961
00:56:01,191 --> 00:56:03,318
I didn't even know
it was a website, really.

962
00:56:03,401 --> 00:56:06,988
You know, I just was typing in
whatever my search words were at the time,

963
00:56:07,072 --> 00:56:08,239
like, you know,

964
00:56:08,323 --> 00:56:10,950
"penises ejaculating" or whatever,

965
00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:13,995
and my phone was like,
"Stop typing. I've got you."

966
00:56:14,704 --> 00:56:17,999
And it would take me there, you know?

967
00:56:19,667 --> 00:56:22,045
It was like, my phone's way of saying,

968
00:56:22,128 --> 00:56:25,131
"When there was only
one set of footprints…"

969
00:56:32,639 --> 00:56:34,766
"…that's when I was carrying you."

970
00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:38,770
"I got you. I got you."

971
00:56:39,479 --> 00:56:40,647
I know what you were thinking.

972
00:56:40,730 --> 00:56:43,942
"This cum joke better have
a Jesus reference, or I'm leaving."

973
00:56:46,986 --> 00:56:48,071
Well, I deliver.

974
00:56:48,696 --> 00:56:50,365
God's love I deliver.

975
00:56:52,784 --> 00:56:55,745
I said, um, cum.com so many times,

976
00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:57,705
you're gonna get ads for it.

977
00:57:01,835 --> 00:57:06,339
So, like I said,
we're really just grieving now, and, uh…

978
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:08,716
It's interesting to me because,

979
00:57:09,217 --> 00:57:11,886
you know, three out of four
of us are godless.

980
00:57:11,970 --> 00:57:14,973
Of the sisters, not society at large.

981
00:57:15,056 --> 00:57:16,558
That would be amazing.

982
00:57:16,641 --> 00:57:17,684
Um…

983
00:57:20,812 --> 00:57:24,983
But we're on our WhatsApp,
our sisters WhatsApp, and we're grieving.

984
00:57:25,066 --> 00:57:29,237
And it does occur to me
that grief is a lot like religion because

985
00:57:30,071 --> 00:57:34,075
we're trying to make sense of something
that is beyond our comprehension.

986
00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:37,996
We're trying to understand something
that may not be understandable.

987
00:57:38,496 --> 00:57:40,498
And, like, Susie wrote, um,

988
00:57:40,582 --> 00:57:44,085
"You guys, two birds
landed in my windowsill,

989
00:57:44,169 --> 00:57:46,045
and I know it was them."

990
00:57:46,129 --> 00:57:49,299
And, you know, Jodyne and Laura
were like, "It was them!"

991
00:57:49,382 --> 00:57:50,842
And I… I wanna contribute.

992
00:57:50,925 --> 00:57:53,720
I… I… I hearted it. And then, um…

993
00:57:55,513 --> 00:57:58,558
…Laura was like, "I was at Target,

994
00:57:58,641 --> 00:58:03,354
and a woman walked up to me
and told me I looked gorgeous in purple."

995
00:58:04,230 --> 00:58:06,065
"And I know that was Janice."

996
00:58:07,275 --> 00:58:10,778
And Susie and Jodyne were like,
"It was Janice!" You know?

997
00:58:10,862 --> 00:58:12,238
And I'm like…

998
00:58:12,322 --> 00:58:14,532
Boop, boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

999
00:58:14,616 --> 00:58:16,576
You know, and, um…

1000
00:58:19,871 --> 00:58:22,624
But it was actually
what Jodyne said that got me.

1001
00:58:22,707 --> 00:58:24,000
You know, she said, um…

1002
00:58:24,792 --> 00:58:28,421
She said, "You guys,
I farted for like four seconds."

1003
00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:32,842
And I said, "It's Dad!"

1004
00:58:46,731 --> 00:58:47,732
Um…

1005
00:58:48,274 --> 00:58:49,984
I miss him so much.

1006
00:58:50,068 --> 00:58:51,653
I mean, I am… I'm okay.

1007
00:58:51,736 --> 00:58:54,739
I am okay, but I just ache for him.

1008
00:58:54,822 --> 00:58:57,867
And the thing that surprises
me so much is that

1009
00:58:58,576 --> 00:59:03,456
I don't find myself missing, like,
young, able-bodied Dad

1010
00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:07,043
or the Dad that took care of me
and went to all my games.

1011
00:59:07,627 --> 00:59:12,173
I don't know why this is,
but I find myself missing the… the end,

1012
00:59:12,257 --> 00:59:14,342
like, the… the final days.

1013
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:17,845
The quiet times
when I'm taking care of him,

1014
00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:22,308
and, like, he would literally
have to tell me, uh, when he had to pee.

1015
00:59:22,392 --> 00:59:27,230
And then I would have to take his penis
and put it in a jug, and…

1016
00:59:27,313 --> 00:59:29,190
"Penis in a jug" sounds like a…

1017
00:59:29,274 --> 00:59:32,110
like a dessert
at TGI Fridays or something.

1018
00:59:32,193 --> 00:59:34,612
But… it's not.

1019
00:59:35,238 --> 00:59:36,322
And, um…

1020
00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:44,706
But in those times,
even, like, wiping his ass and, like,

1021
00:59:44,789 --> 00:59:46,374
changing his diaper, I was…

1022
00:59:46,457 --> 00:59:49,752
At first, I was so…
I was like, "Dad, are you horrified?"

1023
00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:52,171
And he was like, "I don't give a fuck."

1024
00:59:52,839 --> 00:59:56,593
And once I knew that, I could really, um…

1025
00:59:57,427 --> 00:59:59,137
you know, not enjoy,

1026
00:59:59,220 --> 01:00:04,517
but, uh, I felt honored to…
I wanted to keep him clean, you know?

1027
01:00:04,601 --> 01:00:08,021
And maybe you guys are thinking, like,
"Ugh, I would never wanna, like, do that."

1028
01:00:08,104 --> 01:00:09,522
But you will.

1029
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:10,982
You will be able to do…

1030
01:00:11,065 --> 01:00:12,817
You know, it's like when someone goes,

1031
01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:15,403
"I wanna get a dog,
but I don't wanna pick up its shit."

1032
01:00:15,486 --> 01:00:18,448
And then on day one,
you're like, "Good boy!"

1033
01:00:18,531 --> 01:00:19,824
"Oh my God!"

1034
01:00:20,325 --> 01:00:23,995
It just goes away, and you don't care,
and you wanna do it.

1035
01:00:24,621 --> 01:00:26,247
And it's in those moments

1036
01:00:27,290 --> 01:00:29,792
when I get to keep him clean, you know?

1037
01:00:29,876 --> 01:00:34,297
And I can tell him things,
you know, like, "Dad, I love you,"

1038
01:00:34,380 --> 01:00:37,175
and "Dad, thank you."

1039
01:00:37,258 --> 01:00:39,302
And also, you know,

1040
01:00:39,385 --> 01:00:42,722
"Who's wiping the shit
out of whose tuchus now, asshole?"

1041
01:00:44,098 --> 01:00:46,476
Thank you so much.

1042
01:00:46,559 --> 01:00:48,311
Thank you, the Beacon Theatre,

1043
01:00:48,394 --> 01:00:50,730
and what an incredible audience, and…

1044
01:00:50,813 --> 01:00:51,689
Oh, good.

1045
01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:55,109
Thank you.

1046
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:06,412
Oh, oh, oh

1047
01:01:06,496 --> 01:01:08,373
Oh, oh, oh

1048
01:01:08,456 --> 01:01:10,416
Oh, oh, oh

1049
01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:12,085
Oh, oh, oh

1050
01:01:13,378 --> 01:01:17,131
This town is getting smaller

1051
01:01:17,715 --> 01:01:22,387
They're turning off the water too

1052
01:01:22,470 --> 01:01:24,430
No returns

1053
01:01:24,514 --> 01:01:26,432
Never used

1054
01:01:26,516 --> 01:01:28,518
Never used

1055
01:01:29,894 --> 01:01:33,481
I left the party favor

1056
01:01:33,564 --> 01:01:36,609
Forgot to sign the waiver

1057
01:01:36,693 --> 01:01:38,403
With you

1058
01:01:38,486 --> 01:01:40,446
Never burn

1059
01:01:40,530 --> 01:01:42,240
Never bruise

1060
01:01:42,323 --> 01:01:43,366
Never bruise…

1061
01:01:43,449 --> 01:01:45,410
This is Crazy Sophie's husband.

1062
01:01:45,493 --> 01:01:48,579
I could just vomit when I see
all the stuff the department stores pull

1063
01:01:48,663 --> 01:01:50,915
to get you into
their overpriced emporiums.

1064
01:01:50,998 --> 01:01:54,127
Spend your time at the mall.
Spend your money at Crazy Sophie's.

1065
01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:57,463
When you care enough to get the very best
but too cheap to pay for it,

1066
01:01:57,547 --> 01:02:01,300
the answer is
Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet!

1067
01:02:01,384 --> 01:02:05,263
You wear an off-the-shoulder

1068
01:02:05,346 --> 01:02:08,641
Your feet are getting colder

1069
01:02:08,725 --> 01:02:10,435
With you

1070
01:02:10,518 --> 01:02:12,395
Never burn

1071
01:02:12,478 --> 01:02:14,439
Never bruise

1072
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,399
Never bruise

1073
01:02:16,482 --> 01:02:17,608
I'm with you…

1074
01:02:17,692 --> 01:02:20,695
This is my first, uh,
whatever the fuck you call it.

1075
01:02:20,778 --> 01:02:23,531
And, uh, this is one of many to come.

1076
01:02:23,614 --> 01:02:26,159
And you're gonna laugh You're gonna cry

1077
01:02:26,701 --> 01:02:29,120
You're gonna stink
You're gonna sigh

1078
01:02:29,203 --> 01:02:31,748
And this is what a feminist looks like!

1079
01:02:33,416 --> 01:02:38,755
The kids are getting older too

1080
01:02:39,422 --> 01:02:41,174
Never met them, have you…

1081
01:02:41,257 --> 01:02:44,135
-I have to talk to you about something.
-Yeah?

1082
01:02:45,011 --> 01:02:46,804
I've been thinking about this.

1083
01:02:46,888 --> 01:02:48,431
-Are you listening?
-Yeah.

1084
01:02:48,514 --> 01:02:51,642
I don't think you should be
my emergency contact anymore.

1085
01:02:53,644 --> 01:02:56,522
I don't know. I think I should be.

1086
01:02:57,106 --> 01:02:59,901
All right, well,
you better be there for me.

1087
01:02:59,984 --> 01:03:01,402
Yeah.

1088
01:03:01,903 --> 01:03:04,405
-Are you still with your sweet girlfriend?
-Oh yeah.

1089
01:03:04,489 --> 01:03:05,573
What did he say?

1090
01:03:05,656 --> 01:03:07,658
"Are you still with
your sweet girlfriend?"

1091
01:03:08,367 --> 01:03:10,286
You already trying to bang my girlfriend?

1092
01:03:13,414 --> 01:03:15,166
-Hi, Honey.
-Hi, Sarah.

1093
01:03:15,249 --> 01:03:18,294
It being Shabbas,
I thought I'd give you a call.

1094
01:03:18,377 --> 01:03:21,839
Oh, I got this new battery for my bicycle.

1095
01:03:21,923 --> 01:03:25,760
Thank you so much for finding the guy,
and I love it.

1096
01:03:26,260 --> 01:03:28,554
Oh, I could probably go to Fargo on it,

1097
01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:30,723
so cancel the airline tickets

1098
01:03:30,807 --> 01:03:33,226
uh, because this has got so much power.

1099
01:03:33,309 --> 01:03:37,355
Um, anyway, or as they say
in New Hampshire, anyways,

1100
01:03:37,438 --> 01:03:38,397
love you.

1101
01:03:38,481 --> 01:03:39,899
Hope you're doing well.

1102
01:03:39,982 --> 01:03:42,401
Bye-bye.
How do I hang this fucking thing up?