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Downloaded from
YTS.LT
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT
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Sorry about that!
4
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:10,320
Sarah, you're on in five.
5
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,576
She's not even
in hair and make up yet.
6
00:01:16,659 --> 00:01:18,870
Just a minute! I'm indecent!
7
00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:00,578
- Ready!
- You...
8
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:01,830
You got something on...
9
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:04,207
You want some Visine
or something?
10
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:06,626
Eww!
11
00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:09,254
Now you look worse!
12
00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:13,383
Go on out there and remind them
why God invented the barf bag.
13
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,009
- Okay.
- Go absolutely crazy
14
00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,262
right now for Sarah Squirm!
15
00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:20,265
Live and in the Flesh!
16
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:27,772
Ugh!
17
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,449
Shut up!
18
00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,368
Fuck you!
19
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:43,454
I barely made it onstage
tonight, you hear me?
20
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:46,124
I've been blowing my back out
diarrhea-style
21
00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:47,625
all fucking night.
22
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:51,504
Yeah, sorry I use my butthole!
Where's yours?
23
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:53,464
In your garage, collecting dust?
24
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:54,883
Fuck you!
25
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,971
Yeah, I overuse
my butthole, okay?
26
00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:03,099
I have so many hemorrhoids,
I don't walk, I waddle.
27
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,476
I have so many hemorrhoids,
I can, like,
28
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,271
read my butthole like braille,
29
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:11,441
and it says,
"Stop wiping like that."
30
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,610
There's so much shit
coming out of my ass--
31
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,403
Okay, stop looking,
my eyes are up here.
32
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,030
There's so much shit
coming out--
33
00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:18,823
There's so much shit
coming out of my ass,
34
00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:21,951
the doctors had to construct
a second butthole
35
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:23,745
to redirect traffic.
36
00:03:23,828 --> 00:03:25,997
Here's the thing, my piss
37
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,999
is worse than my shit!
38
00:03:28,082 --> 00:03:29,250
You understand?
39
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:30,793
I'm so dehydrated,
40
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:33,922
my piss comes out
thick and brown,
41
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:37,550
like I'm squeezing an old bottle
of mustard into the bowl, like--
42
00:03:38,676 --> 00:03:40,887
It hits the surface
of the water with a thunk
43
00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:43,389
and like coils
at the bottom of the bowl.
44
00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,975
Oh, you think that's disgusting?
45
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,519
Really? Have you heard
of the Vietnam War?
46
00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:50,521
Because that was pretty
fucking disgusting!
47
00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:51,856
And where were you?
48
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,942
You know what pisses me off?
49
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:56,736
When people say going
"number one" and "number two."
50
00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:59,739
It's like pissing and shitting
isn't a binary,
51
00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:02,909
it's a fucking spectrum.
Are you kidding me?
52
00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:06,412
My piss is so thick
and my shit is so runny,
53
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,498
no matter what I'm doing
in the bathroom, honey,
54
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,416
I'm going to number
one-point-five. Hey!
55
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:20,218
What kind of comedy show did you
think you were seeing tonight?
56
00:04:20,301 --> 00:04:22,637
What did you think?
"Yeah, my wife..."
57
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,516
"Yeah, my wife's a bitch.
58
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:30,019
Yeah, my wife's a bitch
and my mother's a whore
59
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,813
and I'm too dumb
to know the difference!"
60
00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:37,568
Guys, focus up. Seriously.
61
00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,070
Why'd you wear your glasses?
62
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:41,447
So you could see
my prepubescent body better,
63
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:42,991
you pervert? You're sick.
64
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,660
Keep your head down the rest
of the show. Seriously?
65
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:47,954
Nice shirt. Where'd you
get that? The fuckin' store?
66
00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:49,539
Gotcha, bitch. That's it!
67
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,833
It's over for every ho
in the room.
68
00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:54,502
Do you understand me?
Who wants to get roasted right now?
69
00:04:54,585 --> 00:04:56,296
Stand up.
Stand up if you want it.
70
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:57,714
Stand up right now.
71
00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,674
Stand up! Stand up!
Don't be scared.
72
00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:03,636
"Oh, I couldn't
possibly stand up!"
73
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,180
Stand up. You. Both of you.
74
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:08,766
Spin around.
Spin all the way around.
75
00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:10,518
Where'd you learn
to spin around like that?
76
00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:14,230
The toilet, ya piece of shit?
Sit down. It's over!
77
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,567
Some more ground rules
for tonight:
78
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:20,528
If anyone has to go to
the bathroom during the show,
79
00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:24,073
put on a diaper and shit your
diaper like a fucking grown-up.
80
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,409
You understand me?
Come on, Brooklyn.
81
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:29,829
Y'all ever shit your diaper
so hard, diarrhea explodes
82
00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:32,582
up the top and you gotta wipe
shit off your tits?
83
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,959
Y'all know what I'm
talking about. Come on.
84
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,794
And you guys saw that, right?
85
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:38,546
I just put my hand
into the audience,
86
00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:40,631
as innocent as an Easter lamb,
87
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,133
as simple as a pine needle,
88
00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:44,302
and they just shot their
hand out and assaulted it?
89
00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:45,386
Security.
90
00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:48,973
Lotta poop talk tonight.
91
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,641
Get used to it.
92
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,519
Lotta poop talk tonight.
93
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:56,898
I have a sensitive stomach
'cause I'm, uh, I'm Jewish.
94
00:05:56,981 --> 00:05:58,566
Where my Jews at?
95
00:05:58,649 --> 00:06:01,277
Make some noise!
96
00:06:01,944 --> 00:06:04,072
Where my J-J-J-Jews at?
97
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:09,494
Make some motherfucking... noise!
98
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,539
Where my Jews at?
Make some noise!
99
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,168
Where my Jews at?
Make some noise!
100
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:21,005
Lights on, round 'em up.
Let's go!
101
00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:24,550
Relax, I can say that.
I'm a Jew.
102
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,761
I'm a cool Jew. I believe
in a free Palestine.
103
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,057
Yeah, of course I do.
104
00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:32,975
I'm Jewish and it's free. Hey!
105
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,903
Here's my impression
of you guys looking for
106
00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:46,823
a single decent joke
out of me tonight.
107
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,415
Hello?
108
00:06:58,626 --> 00:07:01,087
Are there any j-j-j-jokes
out there?
109
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:08,261
Here's my impression
of my gyno cracking me open
110
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:09,470
and getting a look inside.
111
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:10,972
Ho!
112
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:16,185
Whoa! It's huge!
113
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:20,523
Sarah, I didn't know they made
poop in here. Wow!
114
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:24,193
Sarah, did you do
renovations in here? Huh!
115
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,778
Looks like you knocked
down the wall
116
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:28,990
between your pussy
and your asshole. Wow.
117
00:07:29,073 --> 00:07:31,409
You know, I threw a penny
in here five minutes ago
118
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:34,537
and I still haven't
heard a splash!
119
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,207
Guys, seriously,
can we focus up?
120
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,751
We have a fucking
comedy show to do tonight, okay?
121
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:43,129
Look at me dropping--
Look at me with two microphones.
122
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:45,506
What am I,
a woman in tech? Awesome.
123
00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:47,967
Who's skinnier,
me or this mic stand?
124
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,136
Don't answer that.
If you answer, you hate women.
125
00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:51,554
Which you do!
126
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:53,931
I don't know if you knew this
127
00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:56,142
but they actually
painted the set
128
00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:59,270
with the gack they scraped
out of my underwear.
129
00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:01,898
Oh, come on, fuck you.
130
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,734
You peel your underwear off
at the end of a long, hard day
131
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:07,069
and it looks like
a fresh autumn leaf?
132
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,529
You throw it to the ground,
133
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,198
it crunches underneath
your foot like--
134
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:11,782
Seriously?
135
00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:13,242
You peel your underwear off
136
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,411
and it's dry as a bone? No!
137
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,247
You haven't lived your life
138
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,208
unless when you peel
your underwear off,
139
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:23,169
it looks like what?
Roadkill. Exactly!
140
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:26,797
It should look like you peeled it
off the grille of a truck
141
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:32,512
going 150 miles an hour
in like rain, sleet, mudslides.
142
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:34,722
There should be like
a flattened pigeon in it.
143
00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:36,057
You know what I mean?
144
00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:38,351
It should look like
your pussy sneezed in it.
145
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:39,727
You understand me?
146
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:42,021
It should look like
your uterine lining
147
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:43,773
shed a full oyster, like--
148
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:46,859
And just as salty. You know?
149
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,611
I'm gonna be giving
you guys the best show
150
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:51,030
of my fucking life tonight.
I'm gonna be working my--
151
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,157
Don't clap because you pity me.
152
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:56,827
I'm gonna be giving you
the best fucking show
153
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,287
of my goddamn life tonight,
154
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,206
I'm gonna crawl back
to my apartment,
155
00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:02,667
this guy's going to be standing
outside with a tin can like,
156
00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:04,544
"Please, Sarah!
157
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:07,380
Can I have a crumb
of p-p-p-pussy, please?"
158
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:08,756
I'm gonna be like, "Later."
159
00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:10,716
I'm going to go into
my apartment,
160
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,385
take the elevator all the way up
161
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,345
to the penthouse suite
celebrity lifestyle
162
00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:16,681
floor-one view of the dumpster,
163
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:17,848
and I'm gonna--
164
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,518
I'm gonna peel
my little clown suit off.
165
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,896
I'm gonna peel
my little underwear off.
166
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:27,567
And I'm going to get a good,
like, cheese pull like--
167
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,238
Like I'm pulling a slice
168
00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:35,491
of deep dish Chicago pizza
out of the pie, like--
169
00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:38,953
Cheese rope so long and thick
170
00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:41,372
you could cut them
with scissors, like--
171
00:09:41,455 --> 00:09:43,124
Then I'm going to throw it
to the ground
172
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:45,293
and it's going to be like
dropping an everything bagel
173
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,461
cream cheese-side first, like...
174
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:50,756
"Hey! I was gonna eat that!"
175
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,385
So if anyone wants to buy
my underwear after the show,
176
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:56,012
I'll be selling it
at the merch table.
177
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,597
Do I hear $10,000?
178
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,141
Do I hear $20,000? $30,000?
179
00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:03,603
Sold to the pervert growing
an REI tent in his pants
180
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:06,606
right as we speak. Jesus!
181
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:09,442
We're in public!
There's cameras, sir!
182
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,278
Can you imagine, by the way,
an auctioneer
183
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:13,571
going down on you like--
184
00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,370
Don't get any ideas,
pervert, okay?
185
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,664
Going down on me sucks, okay?
186
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:26,834
It's like eating dog food.
187
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,503
You got to do it on all fours.
188
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,133
Stinks like shit.
189
00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:36,552
There's bones in it.
190
00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:40,514
In order to get my boyfriend
to take his medication,
191
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:44,226
I have to put his balding pills
under my clitoral hood.
192
00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:48,522
A blue-haired bisexual
in the back just went,
193
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,149
"Boyfriend?!
194
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,527
She's fucking straight?!
195
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,572
Nooo!"
196
00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:02,536
"She's wearing the worst outfit
I've ever seen,
197
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,914
she has the ugliest haircut
I've ever seen,
198
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:09,085
but she's fucking straight?
Nooo!
199
00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:12,546
I want my money back!"
200
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,341
How much were tickets
to the show? Be honest.
201
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:17,009
Be honest with me.
Look at me in my eyes.
202
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:19,011
How much were tickets
to the show?
203
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,513
$35?
204
00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:23,683
And I'm on TV. Awesome. Great.
205
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,268
$35 and I'm on TV.
206
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:28,145
What am I,
a handbag on QVC? Come on!
207
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:36,570
Peel my little underwear off.
208
00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:38,572
Peel my little...
209
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:42,451
A guy in the back just starts
spontaneously coming, like...
210
00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:53,879
If you come like that,
you're a liar.
211
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,631
You're a liar!
212
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,925
You downloaded that sound
from the internet.
213
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,847
That's not your truest
expression of pleasure.
214
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,775
He's hard. He's hard.
What's your first and last name?
215
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:16,235
What's your first and last name?
216
00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:19,739
Control-F Epstein's
flight logs for his name.
217
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:24,577
What does it sound like when
you guys come? Be honest.
218
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,328
Be honest.
219
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:27,830
Oh my God.
220
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,625
Can we do that again?
Can we do that again?
221
00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:33,419
Everybody look at him.
Do it again.
222
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:39,008
Okay, so, it sounds like you're
shitting out your own heart.
223
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:42,511
So it's medically inadvisable
for you to come, so...
224
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,513
If you're an adult,
what it should sound like
225
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,515
when you come is, obviously,
226
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,810
ten Italian guys fighting
over a parking spot like--
227
00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,611
"Va fangool! Your mother!"
228
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,239
What does it sound like
when I come?
229
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,908
Wouldn't know. Um...
230
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:07,203
I've been banging this thing
with a rock for years!
231
00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:09,705
Guy in the back with
a chainsaw is like,
232
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,457
"I can make you fucking come."
233
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,545
Relax. I can do it. If I try!
234
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:19,423
What does it sound like
when I come?
235
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:21,300
It sounds like an old goat
236
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:24,512
trying on too-tight
skinny jeans, like...
237
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,436
Oh my God,
I look freaking amazing!
238
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,525
Why do they call it
"achieve" orgasm?
239
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:40,069
It's not an achievement.
You should be ashamed.
240
00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,154
You're out here in
the free world coming
241
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,906
after all your mother
has done for you?
242
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,157
Are you serious?
243
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,576
I just invoked your mother
244
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,162
and you just sat there
totally unfazed.
245
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,623
Seriously. I said "your mother"
246
00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:54,917
and you looked at me
like "la-la-la."
247
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,460
You come here right now.
248
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:59,463
Do I have your consent
to physically assault you?
249
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:01,465
Stand up. Stand up.
Do I have your consent?
250
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,926
I'm gonna fuckin'
fuck you up violently.
251
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:05,970
I'm gonna-- I swear
to fucking God, look at me.
252
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:07,638
Look at me right now in my eyes.
253
00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:08,889
I swear to fucking God.
254
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:10,516
Do you mind if I stretch
your shirt out?
255
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:12,643
I don't care.
I swear to fucking God.
256
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:15,229
If you ever even think
about disrespecting
257
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:18,524
my beautiful
public-schoolteacher mother
258
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,067
in the way that
you just disrespected
259
00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:21,944
your mother's memory
right fucking now.
260
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:24,530
If you even think about
cutting her off in traffic,
261
00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,824
I swear to fucking God,
I'll literally take my hand,
262
00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:28,450
push it so far through your face
263
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,369
that it comes out
the other side of your skull
264
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:32,788
holding your fucking brain,
I swear to fucking God.
265
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,874
Look at me in my eyes.
In my mother's eyes.
266
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,750
I swear to fucking God.
267
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:39,503
If you so much as google
my mother, Robin Sherman,
268
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,255
'cause you said,
"I'm hot, maybe she's hot,"
269
00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:42,548
I swear to fucking God,
270
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:44,174
I'll peel the skin
off your face,
271
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:46,510
put it on a little stick
and wave it like it's a flag
272
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,512
on the Fourth of fucking July.
273
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,890
If you, people watching at home,
274
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,142
the six guys
jerking off to this,
275
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,102
if you-- Hope it's more!
276
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:56,645
I swear to fucking God,
277
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,231
if you even think about
emailing my mother,
278
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:01,984
RobinSherman123@hotmail.com,
279
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,028
to tell her I did a good job
at the show tonight,
280
00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:05,362
I swear to fucking God,
281
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,531
I'll literally dress you up
as Trump's ear,
282
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:10,242
put you behind his podium
at one of his rallies,
283
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:11,869
and say, "Ready, aim, fire!"
284
00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:14,330
I swear to fucking God
if any of you--
285
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,916
I mean any of you!
But do I ever call her?
286
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,292
No. So...
287
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:22,713
Yeah, that's right.
I said Trump.
288
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:26,634
What are you gonna do?
Frown at me about it?
289
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:30,054
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
I said something political
290
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,139
for one fucking second
and you guys just...
291
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,516
I said something fucking
political for one second
292
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,061
and your buttholes
just curled right up.
293
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,813
Like they were going to bed
with a book.
294
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:42,191
I said something--
I can say whatever I want.
295
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,859
I knocked on a thousand doors
296
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,111
for Bernie Sanders in 2020.
297
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:49,323
Didn't work. Didn't work.
298
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:52,201
Imagine you're
an undecided voter,
299
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,995
you open up the door
and I'm there like, "Hi!"
300
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:58,374
Dressed like I'm ready
for tummy time.
301
00:15:58,457 --> 00:15:59,583
"Hi!"
302
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,544
You're an undecided voter
who doesn't know
303
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,421
whether or not people
should live their lives
304
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,340
with, like, dignity
in this country,
305
00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:08,342
you open up the door,
I'm there looking like
306
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:10,636
Paula Poundstone
fucked SpongeBob.
307
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,681
"Hi! Can I use your bathroom?"
308
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:17,184
I thought it would've been cool
to have a Jewish president.
309
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:18,769
You kidding me?
He would've been like...
310
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:21,480
"We can't go to war with Iran
311
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,649
'cause it's too expensive."
312
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:27,611
"We have to ban assault rifles
313
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,029
'cause they're too loud."
314
00:16:30,864 --> 00:16:32,282
"We need Medicare for all
315
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:34,034
'cause my stomach hurts. Okay?"
316
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,747
And if you're not laughing
at that, you hate Jews, so...
317
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,834
I think Medicare for all
should include me
318
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:45,129
getting big, fat, fake tits
for free!
319
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,342
You guys are cheering 'cause
you know my tits are shit?
320
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,928
Wouldn't that be awesome if
I had two big Billie Eilishes?
321
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,513
Like, "Boing, boing, boing."
322
00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,640
When they're that big,
it's not motor-boating,
323
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,934
it's cruise-shipping.
324
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,061
And I have shit for tits.
My eyes are up here.
325
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,688
Don't look. They're so far apart
326
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,023
on either side of my torso,
327
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,691
I call them hammerhead titties.
328
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:08,318
I have to wear a corrective bra
329
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,529
'cause of my one lazy areola.
330
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,531
They're double D,
double directional.
331
00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:15,534
Like, I have-- my nipples
are huger than my tit.
332
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:18,537
Have I lost you? My nipples are
huger than my tit,
333
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:20,539
they meet in
the center of my chest
334
00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:22,082
and wrap around my back
335
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,543
like a Pangea nipple
supercontinent.
336
00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:26,545
You know what I mean?
Like, feeling me up,
337
00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:28,005
there's just-- it sucks.
338
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:32,217
There's like nothing there.
It's like rock climbing
339
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,136
free solo-style,
340
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:36,430
like, no helmet, no rope.
341
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,515
You have to use
the inside of your palm
342
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,893
and like a specific part
of your knuckle
343
00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:43,896
and like your leg for leverage.
344
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:45,981
And if you're crazy
enough to do it,
345
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,817
National Geographic
will make a documentary
346
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,944
about your bizarre psychology.
347
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,073
Feeling me up is like
348
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,825
looking around for
a light switch in the dark like,
349
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,912
"Hello? Where is it?
350
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:03,373
I just stubbed my toe
on your clit!"
351
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,502
I got a mammogram recently.
352
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:09,046
Recreational mammogram. Relax.
And, um...
353
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,299
By the way, why have
they not invented
354
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:14,510
a better way to do that?
You know?
355
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:16,553
Why is that the technology?
356
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:18,639
It sucks your tit
out of your chest
357
00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:20,140
till you hear a pop like--
358
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:22,768
And then make you place
your tit into
359
00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:24,937
a freezing cold panini press.
360
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:29,024
It's like a Jigsaw trap
for your fucking tit.
361
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,485
Like, "Wanna play a game
with the titties?"
362
00:18:31,568 --> 00:18:33,570
You know what I mean? It sucks.
363
00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:36,323
I got the test results back
for my mammogram
364
00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:38,617
and the test results
literally said
365
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,828
that my breasts were small
366
00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:42,663
and incredibly dense.
367
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,126
And I said, "Doc,
I know they're small,
368
00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:49,044
but did you have to call
'em stupid?"
369
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:57,469
It's your fault for laughing
at something like that.
370
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:58,762
You're better than that.
371
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:01,932
No, I got a recreational
mammogram.
372
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:06,520
Because I'm a fucking crazy
Jewish hypochondriac,
373
00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:08,730
and I'm like a misery
to live with.
374
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:11,733
Like, every day,
like, my poi boyfriend--
375
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:14,319
Awesome. So I just said
"poi boyfriend."
376
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:16,655
I just had a stroke onstage
and nobody called an ambulance
377
00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:19,158
'cause none of you are allies.
Thanks.
378
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,369
Every day my poor boyfriend
379
00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:24,037
comes home from a long hard day
380
00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:25,706
at the unemployment factory.
381
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:31,295
"Honey, I'm home still!"
382
00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:35,632
He comes home after clocking out
383
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,260
of the nine-to-five day
having sex
384
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:40,929
with the giant green woman
in Baldur's Gate.
385
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,516
If you're laughing at that,
you're a virgin, and...
386
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,812
He comes home every single day
to just find me
387
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,106
crumpled up on the couch like...
388
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,294
Core. Core.
389
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,814
Aren't you gonna
a-a-ask me what's wrong?
390
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,448
What's wrong?
391
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,283
Nothing!
392
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:04,179
Aren't you gonna a-ask me
what's wr-wr-wrong?
393
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,181
What's wrong?
394
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,599
Nothing!
395
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:14,523
I'm hiding!
396
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:22,948
A-A-Aren't you gonna push
the issue further?
397
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:25,409
What's wrong?
398
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:26,910
Fine, I'll tell you
399
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:30,163
since you twisted my arm
about it!
400
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:34,126
I have to go
to the h-h-hospital.
401
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,169
Why?
402
00:21:36,253 --> 00:21:39,965
Because I have
a b-b-brain tumor.
403
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:41,508
Aww!
404
00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:44,469
Because I misspoke earlier
405
00:21:44,553 --> 00:21:46,805
and I said "poi boyfriend"
406
00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,640
instead of "p-p-poor"
407
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:52,853
and now everyone's mad at me!
408
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:57,274
I have to go
to the h-h-hospital.
409
00:21:57,357 --> 00:21:58,567
Why?
410
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:02,904
Because I have to get
my le-le-legs amputated.
411
00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:04,448
Why?
412
00:22:04,531 --> 00:22:06,825
Because I was shitting so hard
413
00:22:06,908 --> 00:22:08,744
in the green room,
414
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:11,580
I sat on the t-t-toilet so long
415
00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:14,875
my legs fell asleep.
416
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:21,548
I have to go to
the m-m-mental hospital.
417
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:23,091
Why?
418
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:25,260
Because I saw your phone
419
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:30,140
and I saw you were texting
a girl younger than me.
420
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:32,225
Who?
421
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,186
Me yesterday.
422
00:22:42,235 --> 00:22:44,237
That's what we call
a high-commitment,
423
00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:46,031
low-payoff bit, so--
424
00:22:51,411 --> 00:22:53,288
I'm parched.
Can a big, strong man
425
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:54,998
help me open this water bottle?
426
00:22:55,082 --> 00:22:58,794
Can a big strong man
help me open this water bottle?
427
00:23:00,295 --> 00:23:02,839
Can you open this bottle
for me? I need a drink.
428
00:23:02,923 --> 00:23:05,384
And you saw that, right?
He tried to roofie me? Okay.
429
00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:14,142
By the way, this is what therapy
430
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:16,228
three times a week looks like.
431
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:19,523
Not working!
432
00:23:20,357 --> 00:23:22,109
Therapy is a fucking scam.
433
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:24,486
I just sit across the room
from some fucking guy.
434
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:27,322
Yeah, my therapist is a guy!
435
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:31,952
A woman would fix this and then
there would be no show, okay?
436
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,496
He writes down everything I say
437
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:36,665
like he's obsessed with me,
438
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:38,208
and at the end of
every session he's like,
439
00:23:38,291 --> 00:23:39,626
"Your feelings are valid."
440
00:23:39,709 --> 00:23:43,713
I'm like, "No, they're not,
I'm fucking crazy!"
441
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:00,647
Oh my God, I'm sorry,
I just blacked out.
442
00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:03,692
That was crazy. Sorry.
443
00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:07,070
That was my impression
of the guy at Panera
444
00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:08,572
who invented the Bread Bowl.
445
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:18,123
"What if you could eat the bowl?
446
00:24:19,416 --> 00:24:23,420
And what if there was a lemonade
that can kill you!"
447
00:24:24,921 --> 00:24:27,507
You guys are acting like you
lost someone to the lemonade.
448
00:24:27,591 --> 00:24:28,800
Are we cool?
449
00:24:30,051 --> 00:24:33,930
I'm sweating like a fucking
warthog up here. Jesus Christ.
450
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:36,683
Yeah, I know,
warthogs don't sweat.
451
00:24:38,977 --> 00:24:41,188
Found that out the hard way.
Thank you.
452
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:45,775
I was doing a show in,
not to brag,
453
00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:48,195
Milwaukee, Wisconsin,
ever heard of it?
454
00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:50,572
And... I said onstage,
455
00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:52,157
"I'm sweating
like a fucking warthog,"
456
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,451
and some fucking farmer
in the back stood up
457
00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:56,703
and was like, "Yeah, warthogs
don't sweat.
458
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:01,708
They actually roll around
in the mud to keep cool."
459
00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:04,711
I was like, fuck you, dude!
Warthogs don't sweat?
460
00:25:04,794 --> 00:25:07,214
Don't fucking mansplain
that shit to me.
461
00:25:07,297 --> 00:25:09,549
Warthogs don't sweat?
You've never seen me walk by
462
00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:13,136
a barnyard in six-inch heels.
Like, "Hey, boys!"
463
00:25:16,181 --> 00:25:18,183
"Want to join this petting zoo?"
464
00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:23,688
I joined a fancy gym recently
and it's so humiliating
465
00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:26,483
sweating at the gym in front
of all these fancy people.
466
00:25:26,566 --> 00:25:29,319
Like, you peel your ass
off the seat
467
00:25:29,402 --> 00:25:32,948
and it's always this like
unforgiving black pleather,
468
00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:37,077
and you can just see a giant
swamp ass and pussy puddle--
469
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,412
Sorry. Swussy puddle so big.
470
00:25:39,496 --> 00:25:41,873
You ever try one of these things
where you try to like
471
00:25:41,957 --> 00:25:45,043
surreptitiously wipe down
the machine
472
00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:46,670
with the back of your shirt?
473
00:25:46,753 --> 00:25:49,673
It's just a puddle so big,
you go to get one of those
474
00:25:49,756 --> 00:25:52,926
pathetic little hand towels
to wipe down the machine,
475
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:54,844
there's already a janitor
standing there
476
00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:57,597
with a shop vac
shaking his head like,
477
00:25:57,681 --> 00:25:59,474
"Don't even try, bitch."
478
00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:02,769
There's already a lifeguard
standing in front of it going,
479
00:26:02,852 --> 00:26:05,397
"No running! No running!"
480
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:07,607
James Cameron is building
a submersible
481
00:26:07,691 --> 00:26:09,067
to get to the bottom of it.
482
00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:11,069
All of a sudden you hear
"ding, ding, ding!"
483
00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:13,738
'cause everyone in the gym
just got a flood alert warning
484
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:14,823
on their phone.
485
00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:19,911
And what is going on with this
crazy gym athleisure?
486
00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:22,372
What-- Ladies,
where did we go so wrong?
487
00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:24,165
Everybody showing up to the gym
488
00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:26,084
in a little Alo bra.
489
00:26:26,167 --> 00:26:27,669
A little bike short.
490
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:31,047
Like, I show up
to the gym correct,
491
00:26:31,131 --> 00:26:32,299
do you understand?
492
00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:34,259
I show up like
I'm ready to play.
493
00:26:34,342 --> 00:26:36,386
I'm wearing a giant
triple-XL t-shirt
494
00:26:36,469 --> 00:26:40,307
that says "Rachel's
Rockin' Safari 2003" on it
495
00:26:40,390 --> 00:26:43,059
with wasabi stains
on each armpit,
496
00:26:43,143 --> 00:26:45,312
wearing a giant shirt,
looking like a kid
497
00:26:45,395 --> 00:26:47,022
who just threw up in the pool.
498
00:26:48,189 --> 00:26:50,150
And all the girlies at the gym
are wearing
499
00:26:50,233 --> 00:26:53,528
tiny little bike shorts with,
like, ruching on the crotch
500
00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:54,821
and the crack?
501
00:26:54,904 --> 00:26:57,365
Like, bitch, I have
a camel-toe in this.
502
00:26:57,449 --> 00:26:58,658
You know what I'm saying?
503
00:26:58,742 --> 00:26:59,993
And it's not a camel-toe,
504
00:27:00,076 --> 00:27:01,911
it's a fucking Shrek paw.
505
00:27:01,995 --> 00:27:04,873
You know?
It's like a Donkey Kong fist.
506
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:07,542
You know what I mean? It doesn't
matter what I'm wearing,
507
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:10,337
my hole sucks my pants right up,
508
00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:15,634
like the alien from Nope sucking
Daniel Kaluuya into the sky, like--
509
00:27:28,563 --> 00:27:30,190
You guys didn't realize
you were seeing
510
00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:31,858
an Aphex Twin show tonight?
511
00:27:40,408 --> 00:27:42,869
Oh my God,
was anyone getting like
512
00:27:42,952 --> 00:27:45,288
crazy ASMR vibes from that?
513
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:52,545
Your nipples are knifing through
your shirt right now.
514
00:27:54,798 --> 00:27:59,052
Thank you for tuning
into my gentle whispering
515
00:27:59,135 --> 00:28:01,137
ASMR channel.
516
00:28:05,433 --> 00:28:07,936
Today we're going to be
listening to
517
00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:10,397
the gentle pitter-patter...
518
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:15,276
of rain falling onto the surface
519
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:16,986
of the East River.
520
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:27,414
Oh, is that a body?
521
00:28:30,083 --> 00:28:33,378
And today we're going
to be listening to
522
00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:36,005
the gentle pitter-patter
523
00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:38,842
of me trying to plunge
524
00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:44,347
my clogged hole
after it sucked up all my underwear
525
00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:48,059
and now all the underwear
is clogged in there.
526
00:29:07,662 --> 00:29:09,205
Who's so high
that they're having
527
00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:11,082
the worst night
of their life right now?
528
00:29:14,627 --> 00:29:17,130
Do you guys microdose?
Anyone in here microdose?
529
00:29:18,089 --> 00:29:19,632
Grow up. Get a job. Um...
530
00:29:22,385 --> 00:29:24,095
Grow up, get a job, like me,
531
00:29:24,179 --> 00:29:25,889
professional poop clown!
532
00:29:29,642 --> 00:29:32,562
All my friends microdose,
and, yeah, I have friends.
533
00:29:32,645 --> 00:29:36,399
I'm not in a conservatorship
like you guys think I am.
534
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:39,402
All my friends microdose.
They're like,
535
00:29:39,486 --> 00:29:41,237
"Yeah,
I had a little bit of weed."
536
00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:43,323
"Yeah, I had a little bit of weed,
537
00:29:43,406 --> 00:29:45,909
ate a little bit of mushroom.
Yeah, yeah."
538
00:29:45,992 --> 00:29:48,369
"Had a little bit of weed,
took a little bit of mushroom
539
00:29:48,453 --> 00:29:50,163
and I went to work. Whatever."
540
00:29:50,246 --> 00:29:52,457
"Had a little bit of weed,
took a little bit of mushroom,
541
00:29:52,540 --> 00:29:54,918
went to work,
and my mood improved."
542
00:29:55,585 --> 00:29:57,796
Of course your mood improved.
543
00:29:57,879 --> 00:30:02,050
You're high on drugs,
you stoned moron!
544
00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:06,179
And you're my kid's pediatrician
for God's sake!
545
00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:10,934
Obviously I don't have kids.
I like my life!
546
00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:17,649
You're clapping 'cause I don't
want the human race to continue?
547
00:30:18,441 --> 00:30:21,444
Who is the highest person
in the room? Show yourself now.
548
00:30:21,528 --> 00:30:22,821
Who's the highest person
in the room?
549
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:24,405
- Here!
- Yeah.
550
00:30:24,489 --> 00:30:26,991
The guy who bought like
nine of my posters.
551
00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:31,204
Highest person in the room,
give him a microphone now.
552
00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:34,958
- Hi, what's your name?
- Raj.
553
00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:36,125
- Raj?
- Yeah.
554
00:30:36,209 --> 00:30:38,211
Um, and, Raj,
what are you high on?
555
00:30:38,878 --> 00:30:40,255
Edible drink.
556
00:30:44,425 --> 00:30:45,552
It's an edible drink?
557
00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:48,847
It's a drink you can eat?
It's a drink you can chew on?
558
00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:50,849
You're telling me it's thick?
559
00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:53,810
It's as thick as the discharge
from my underwear?
560
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:57,438
Okay, Raj, so I'm gonna be
your trip shaman.
561
00:30:57,522 --> 00:30:59,649
I'm gonna guide you
to new psychedelic levels
562
00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:02,610
of understanding,
but I need everyone in the room
563
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:06,948
to surround Raj with like
an embryonic pool of light
564
00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:08,658
and send energy to him by going,
565
00:31:08,741 --> 00:31:10,952
"Raj..." Keep going.
566
00:31:11,035 --> 00:31:13,913
- "Raj..."
- Use your fingers. "Raj..."
567
00:31:13,997 --> 00:31:16,416
Keep going. "Raj..." Keep going.
568
00:31:16,499 --> 00:31:18,418
"Raj..." Keep going.
569
00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:20,003
"Raj..."
570
00:31:20,086 --> 00:31:24,340
Raj... Raj... Raj...
571
00:31:24,424 --> 00:31:28,928
Everyone in the room
572
00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:32,473
is staring at you
573
00:31:32,557 --> 00:31:35,184
right now!
574
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:39,230
Raj!
575
00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:44,527
You're acting really weird
576
00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:50,658
and everyone in your life
is mad at you!
577
00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:53,661
Raj!
578
00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:56,205
Even though you're covering
your lap
579
00:31:56,289 --> 00:32:00,251
with nine posters
from my merch store,
580
00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:03,338
I can tell your fly is down
581
00:32:03,421 --> 00:32:06,591
and your thing is out!
582
00:32:08,718 --> 00:32:14,098
Raj, I just got a text
from the mayor.
583
00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:19,062
He re-criminalized weed
five minutes ago,
584
00:32:19,145 --> 00:32:23,358
and everyone
in this room is a cop!
585
00:32:26,653 --> 00:32:31,074
Raj, no one asked you
to volunteer,
586
00:32:31,157 --> 00:32:35,662
you just shot your hand
out of nowhere
587
00:32:35,745 --> 00:32:40,166
and kept saying,
"I'd love nothing more!"
588
00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:44,629
Keep it going for Raj.
589
00:32:47,256 --> 00:32:50,051
Okay, give me that microphone
back. I'm done with you.
590
00:32:50,134 --> 00:32:52,804
Oh my God,
it's like soaking wet. Jesus.
591
00:32:57,308 --> 00:32:58,977
I'm from here,
I'm from New York.
592
00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:01,270
Is anyone from New York
originally?
593
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:05,233
Okay, is anyone from here
and then moved away
594
00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:07,026
for an extended period of time?
595
00:33:12,573 --> 00:33:15,076
- Okay, uh, what's your name?
- Matt.
596
00:33:15,159 --> 00:33:16,494
You're Matt!
597
00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:18,705
It's not just Matt,
it's, "I'm fucking Matt, bitch.
598
00:33:18,788 --> 00:33:20,331
What do you fucking want?
Yeah, I'm Matt."
599
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:23,793
Okay, Matt, you're from New York.
Where did you move to?
600
00:33:23,876 --> 00:33:27,130
- To Chicago.
- Chicago? Me too, girl!
601
00:33:27,213 --> 00:33:29,924
Okay, Matt, so when you
moved to Chicago
602
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,135
was like everyone
in your life like...
603
00:33:32,218 --> 00:33:34,387
What the fuck you doing, man?
604
00:33:36,848 --> 00:33:40,435
You leaving New York
fuckin' City, man?
605
00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:43,479
You leaving New fuckin' York
fuckin' City, man?
606
00:33:43,563 --> 00:33:47,775
Come on! It's fuckin' New
fuckin' York fuckin' City, man.
607
00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:50,028
You leaving New York fuckin'--
New York City?
608
00:33:50,111 --> 00:33:52,572
Come on, you know what
I'm fucking talkin' about?
609
00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:54,907
You know what I'm talkin' about.
Pervert in the front.
610
00:33:54,991 --> 00:33:57,785
He knows what I'm talkin' about.
It's fuckin' New York.
611
00:33:57,869 --> 00:33:59,370
You know what I'm fuckin'
talking about. Come on.
612
00:33:59,454 --> 00:34:02,331
You know what
I'm fuckin' talkin' about.
613
00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:03,875
You guys are like,
"Is she glitching?
614
00:34:03,958 --> 00:34:06,044
Do we have to pull her
cartridge out and blow on it?"
615
00:34:06,127 --> 00:34:08,004
"You know what I'm fuckin'
talkin' about."
616
00:34:08,087 --> 00:34:09,839
Everybody in the back
who's too broke
617
00:34:09,922 --> 00:34:11,049
to afford front row seats?
618
00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:12,633
They know
what I'm talkin' about.
619
00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:14,510
I do this for 14 more minutes.
620
00:34:14,594 --> 00:34:16,095
You know what
I'm fuckin' talkin' about.
621
00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:17,930
You know what I'm fuckin'
talkin' about.
622
00:34:18,014 --> 00:34:19,515
You know what
I'm fuckin' talkin' about.
623
00:34:19,599 --> 00:34:23,144
You know what I'm fuckin'--
New York, best pizza.
624
00:34:25,188 --> 00:34:26,606
Best bagels.
625
00:34:27,356 --> 00:34:28,775
Best water.
626
00:34:29,484 --> 00:34:32,904
Best public
transportation system.
627
00:34:33,488 --> 00:34:34,822
Best garbage.
628
00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:36,616
Best rats.
629
00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:38,910
Best little tiny cockroaches
running around.
630
00:34:38,993 --> 00:34:41,079
Best big cockroaches
running around.
631
00:34:41,162 --> 00:34:42,997
Best rats riding on top
of a cockroach
632
00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:45,666
like it's a little fucking horse
running around.
633
00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:48,377
Best inequal distribution
of wealth.
634
00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:51,339
Best seat of all the world's
financial evils.
635
00:34:51,422 --> 00:34:54,926
Best general sense
of crippling alienation.
636
00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:58,554
Best trust-fund kids
posturing as artists
637
00:34:58,638 --> 00:35:01,891
and ruining historically
Black neighborhoods
638
00:35:01,974 --> 00:35:03,810
with artisan kombucha shops.
639
00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:07,105
Best people
with zero personality
640
00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,816
supplanting their
shitty personality
641
00:35:09,899 --> 00:35:12,527
by co-opting a regional identity
642
00:35:12,610 --> 00:35:14,487
by saying things like,
"Come on, it's New York.
643
00:35:14,570 --> 00:35:16,280
You know what I'm fuckin'
talkin' about."
644
00:35:22,245 --> 00:35:24,580
I did that joke in front
of my Long Island dad
645
00:35:24,664 --> 00:35:28,084
and he was like, "Eyy! I don't
fuckin' sound like that!
646
00:35:28,167 --> 00:35:30,044
You make me look like
a fuckin' idiot up there!
647
00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:32,547
I don't fuckin' sound like that!
I'm not an idiot.
648
00:35:32,630 --> 00:35:34,048
I'm not illiterate.
I'm not an idiot.
649
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:36,384
I'm not illiterate.
I've read a book, okay?
650
00:35:37,051 --> 00:35:39,178
I've read the Keith Richards
autobiography front to back,
651
00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:40,304
cover to cover."
652
00:35:40,847 --> 00:35:42,640
If you're laughing at that
you're 40.
653
00:35:43,933 --> 00:35:45,601
But New York dads are so macho.
654
00:35:45,685 --> 00:35:48,354
Like, one day we were
driving in the car.
655
00:35:48,437 --> 00:35:51,649
He was driving.
I can't! I'm a woman!
656
00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:56,028
What if I get my period
all over the road
657
00:35:56,112 --> 00:35:58,197
and the car hydroplanes?
658
00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:00,992
You laughed too hard at that.
659
00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:04,078
So I was driving
in the car with my dad
660
00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:06,622
and the GPS was like,
"Turn right here."
661
00:36:06,706 --> 00:36:10,042
My dad's like, "Ayo!
What that GPS fuckin' bitch
662
00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:14,088
fuckin' say to me in front
of my fuckin' daughter?
663
00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:16,674
Talkin' like that to me in front
of my fuckin' daughter?
664
00:36:16,757 --> 00:36:18,134
You kiss your mother
with that mouth?
665
00:36:18,217 --> 00:36:20,928
Talkin' like that to me in front
of my fuckin' daughter?"
666
00:36:21,679 --> 00:36:24,640
And he held my car down in
an alley and fucking punched it.
667
00:36:25,558 --> 00:36:27,185
So yeah, my dad's hot.
668
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:30,688
You don't wanna fuck
my dad? Really?
669
00:36:30,771 --> 00:36:32,940
Imagine me, no hair. Good night!
670
00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:38,362
Like I can't-- the dynamic
between like a New York dad
671
00:36:38,446 --> 00:36:41,991
and like a daughter, the dynamic
is like fucking insane.
672
00:36:42,074 --> 00:36:44,118
Like, he's so fucking macho.
673
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:47,079
He's so overprotective over me
still to this day.
674
00:36:47,163 --> 00:36:50,708
And even though I'm already
16 years old...
675
00:36:52,126 --> 00:36:53,628
he's still overprotective with me.
676
00:36:53,711 --> 00:36:55,838
The one nice thing
I can get my dad
677
00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:57,673
to say about my boyfriend,
who I've been dating
678
00:36:57,757 --> 00:36:59,842
for like a million
fucking years is,
679
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:01,469
"He's a...
680
00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:04,222
He's a...
681
00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:07,475
He's a good guy,
you know what I mean?
682
00:37:08,142 --> 00:37:09,810
He's a good guy,
you know what I mean?
683
00:37:09,894 --> 00:37:11,354
He's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
684
00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:14,106
I mean, he's not fuckin'
Jewish, but, uh...
685
00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:17,318
He's a good guy, you know?
686
00:37:17,401 --> 00:37:19,237
He's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
687
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,572
I mean, he doesn't have
any fuckin' money,
688
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:24,492
but, uh, he's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
689
00:37:24,575 --> 00:37:27,370
He's a good guy. I mean,
he's shtuppin' daughter. Hey!
690
00:37:27,453 --> 00:37:29,497
He's shtuppin'
my fucking daughter?
691
00:37:29,580 --> 00:37:31,582
He's shtuppin'
my fucking daughter
692
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:34,043
who I held in my hands when
she was this fucking little big.
693
00:37:34,126 --> 00:37:36,712
My precious baby fuckin'
daughter who I held in my hands
694
00:37:36,796 --> 00:37:38,798
when she was this fucking
tiny little big.
695
00:37:38,881 --> 00:37:40,633
My fuckin' precious baby angel?
696
00:37:40,716 --> 00:37:43,344
He's raw-doggin' my precious
baby fuckin' angel?
697
00:37:43,427 --> 00:37:47,932
My little fuckin' lamb with
fleece as white as fuckin' snow?
698
00:37:48,015 --> 00:37:49,892
And everywhere
that sunlight went,
699
00:37:49,976 --> 00:37:51,769
my lamb was sure to fuckin' go?
700
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:54,647
He's sticking it in my daughter,
no bag, no condom,
701
00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:57,400
and he's giving her fuckin'
triple-digit orgasms
702
00:37:57,483 --> 00:38:01,195
and he's giving her pleasure
and he's making her happy?
703
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:02,989
He makes her fuckin' happy?!
704
00:38:03,072 --> 00:38:06,867
He makes my precious baby
fuckin' angel happy?
705
00:38:07,576 --> 00:38:10,329
Well, then he's a good guy,
you know what I mean?"
706
00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:17,545
I'm parched. Can I have a sip
of what anyone's drinking?
707
00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:19,213
Does anyone have a drink?
What is that?
708
00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:21,882
- What is that?
- Beer.
709
00:38:21,966 --> 00:38:24,176
A beer? Can I have a sip?
710
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:27,638
And you just offered a drink
to a minor! Gotcha, bitch!
711
00:38:28,931 --> 00:38:32,518
Abolish police, but you're going
to jail for grooming me.
712
00:38:35,062 --> 00:38:36,939
You guys don't care
that I'm on TV.
713
00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:40,443
You don't, you don't care
that I'm on TV. You don't.
714
00:38:40,526 --> 00:38:42,528
"Oh, we care that you're on TV
715
00:38:42,611 --> 00:38:45,906
for six seconds
every 14 months, Sarah."
716
00:38:48,659 --> 00:38:50,161
Being on TV sucks.
717
00:38:50,244 --> 00:38:52,371
Remember when TV was blurry?
718
00:38:52,455 --> 00:38:55,333
Would have been nice for me, okay?
719
00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:58,252
I found out that I had
a mustache
720
00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:01,339
'cause I saw it on live TV. Hi!
721
00:39:02,173 --> 00:39:03,632
I'm a hairy Jewish girl.
722
00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:06,510
Every hair on my body
is a fucking pube,
723
00:39:06,594 --> 00:39:07,887
you understand me?
724
00:39:07,970 --> 00:39:10,890
My arms look like Hagrid's legs.
725
00:39:10,973 --> 00:39:13,392
Zoom in on this.
Zoom in on this.
726
00:39:13,934 --> 00:39:17,813
Like, if you saw this shit raw--
You wish. My eyes are up here.
727
00:39:17,897 --> 00:39:19,523
If you saw this shit raw,
728
00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:21,067
you thought it would
teach you French
729
00:39:21,150 --> 00:39:23,527
'cause my bush looks like
Muzzy, you know what I mean?
730
00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:26,655
Like, it's a cable-knit bush,
you know what I'm saying?
731
00:39:26,739 --> 00:39:29,658
Like, you know how some dudes
shave their pubes
732
00:39:29,742 --> 00:39:31,410
to make their dick look bigger?
733
00:39:31,494 --> 00:39:34,872
I have to tug on my clit
to make my pubes look smaller,
734
00:39:34,955 --> 00:39:36,540
you know what I mean?
735
00:39:36,624 --> 00:39:38,626
It's like a-- it's like
a thicket of pubes,
736
00:39:38,709 --> 00:39:42,505
like, woven together like
a wicker goddamn basket, you know?
737
00:39:42,588 --> 00:39:44,256
Like a wicker basket so sturdy
738
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:46,175
you could put it on the front
of a bicycle,
739
00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:49,387
put E.T. in there and then bike
to the goddamn moon, okay?
740
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:51,347
And I don't have a happy trail,
741
00:39:51,430 --> 00:39:55,851
I have a six-lane
goddamn highway with--
742
00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:59,063
with wall-to-wall traffic
going up from my bush,
743
00:39:59,146 --> 00:40:01,941
around my belly button--
my eyes are up here--
744
00:40:02,024 --> 00:40:05,319
continues up my chest, goes
around each one of my nipples,
745
00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:07,071
like, nipple hair so long,
746
00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:10,241
I could tie my tits together
to get amazing cleavage, okay?
747
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:13,994
My eyes are up here.
Goes up my neck, over my lip,
748
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:16,247
I have like a neck-beard
and mustache,
749
00:40:16,330 --> 00:40:18,791
like I watch Rick and Morty
or whatever,
750
00:40:18,874 --> 00:40:20,835
goes up each
one of my sideburns,
751
00:40:20,918 --> 00:40:24,547
goes from my head,
across to my eyebrows,
752
00:40:24,630 --> 00:40:26,632
my eyebrows shake hands
in the middle,
753
00:40:26,715 --> 00:40:29,427
like they're causing
a two-state solution
754
00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:31,387
in the middle of my
fucking forehead, okay?
755
00:40:31,470 --> 00:40:35,057
Goes down my mullet,
down my rat tail,
756
00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:38,269
down my back,
and around my anus, okay?
757
00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:41,188
I have so many ingrowns
around my asshole,
758
00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:44,024
I need a seam-ripper
to get them out, okay?
759
00:40:44,108 --> 00:40:45,609
I don't have a happy trail,
760
00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:48,904
I have like a Möbius strip
of pubes.
761
00:40:48,988 --> 00:40:52,366
It keeps-- It's like a pube
eating its own pube of pubes.
762
00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:54,952
No, and I can't believe
that I can't get onstage
763
00:40:55,035 --> 00:40:56,871
for one fucking second.
764
00:40:56,954 --> 00:40:58,706
No, it actually makes me sick.
Look at me.
765
00:40:58,789 --> 00:41:02,126
I literally have chills.
I literally have goose bumps.
766
00:41:03,794 --> 00:41:05,546
I can't believe
that I can't get onstage
767
00:41:05,629 --> 00:41:07,089
for one fucking second.
768
00:41:07,173 --> 00:41:09,550
Seriously, I can't get onstage
for one fucking second
769
00:41:09,633 --> 00:41:12,261
in RFK Jr.'s America in 2025.
770
00:41:12,344 --> 00:41:15,097
I can't get onstage
as a proud 16-year-old
771
00:41:15,181 --> 00:41:17,433
Jewish woman
for one fucking second?
772
00:41:17,516 --> 00:41:19,310
I can't get onstage
for one fucking second
773
00:41:19,393 --> 00:41:21,479
and touch my nipple like that
for one fucking second?
774
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:23,105
No, seriously,
I can't get onstage
775
00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:26,567
as a proud 14-year-old
Jewish woman
776
00:41:26,650 --> 00:41:28,027
in JD Vance's America
777
00:41:28,110 --> 00:41:29,820
and touch my butthole
for one fucking second?
778
00:41:29,904 --> 00:41:32,198
Seriously, I can't touch my
nipple for one fucking second?
779
00:41:32,281 --> 00:41:34,533
I can't touch my butthole
for one fucking second?
780
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:36,869
I can't touch my butthole
like this, my nipple like this?
781
00:41:36,952 --> 00:41:39,205
I can't touch my nipple like
this, my butthole like this?
782
00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:41,332
I can't touch my nipple like
this, my butthole like this?
783
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:43,834
I can't put one phallic item
near my mouth?
784
00:41:44,835 --> 00:41:46,837
I can't put two phallic items
near my--?
785
00:41:47,922 --> 00:41:50,341
For one fucking second without
a guy in the front row going...
786
00:41:52,468 --> 00:41:54,094
Awooga!
787
00:41:54,178 --> 00:41:56,805
Hummina-hummina-hummina!
Hummina-hummina-hummina!
788
00:41:56,889 --> 00:41:59,808
Hubba-hubba, toil and trubba!
789
00:41:59,892 --> 00:42:02,520
Fire burn and cauldron bubba!
790
00:42:02,603 --> 00:42:05,689
Swing, batta-batta-batta!
Swing, batta-batta-batta!
791
00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:09,109
The Yankees win!
792
00:42:09,193 --> 00:42:11,904
The Yankees win
the World fucking Series!
793
00:42:11,987 --> 00:42:14,114
I'm jerking off!
I'm jerking off!
794
00:42:14,198 --> 00:42:15,783
I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come!
795
00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:18,702
Va fangool! Your mother!
796
00:42:20,412 --> 00:42:22,456
I'm jerking off! I'm gonna come!
797
00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:24,333
Really? I can't get one
fucking word out?
798
00:42:28,003 --> 00:42:29,463
It's fucking disgusting.
799
00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:35,803
So, um, every time I do that,
800
00:42:35,886 --> 00:42:38,347
I'm like, great,
so I broke my throat.
801
00:42:38,430 --> 00:42:40,266
That's awesome.
I broke my throat.
802
00:42:40,349 --> 00:42:41,600
You don't care about
the commitment
803
00:42:41,684 --> 00:42:43,352
I'm willing to show you. Um...
804
00:42:44,186 --> 00:42:46,272
So I went to an ENT
805
00:42:46,355 --> 00:42:49,775
to get a look at my vocal cords
to see if anything bad happened,
806
00:42:49,858 --> 00:42:52,194
and look at the footage I got!
807
00:42:53,195 --> 00:42:54,321
Yep.
808
00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:57,449
She shoved a camera
down my throat
809
00:42:57,533 --> 00:42:58,951
to look at my vocal cords.
810
00:42:59,034 --> 00:43:01,036
So those are my--
those are my tiny--
811
00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:05,165
Those are my tiny--
812
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,668
Those are my tiny
little vocal cords.
813
00:43:08,836 --> 00:43:10,421
And like basically,
814
00:43:10,504 --> 00:43:13,173
sound is produced
from your vocal cords
815
00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:16,260
from, like, slamming against
each other really hard.
816
00:43:16,343 --> 00:43:18,220
But like if you're
someone like me,
817
00:43:18,304 --> 00:43:20,139
who's born with a tiny little
818
00:43:20,222 --> 00:43:22,558
female-assigned
throat hole at birth...
819
00:43:24,310 --> 00:43:26,645
it takes more force and exertion
820
00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:29,356
for your cords to slam
against each other
821
00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:31,859
to produce a big and loud sound
822
00:43:31,942 --> 00:43:34,778
as big as someone
with a giant, gaping,
823
00:43:34,862 --> 00:43:36,655
male-assigned
throat hole at birth.
824
00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:38,991
So, ladies!
825
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:41,785
You know what that means!
826
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:43,537
La-la-la-ladies!
827
00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:46,874
You know what
th-th-th-that means!
828
00:43:48,667 --> 00:43:50,210
God wants women
829
00:43:50,294 --> 00:43:52,546
to be quiet!
830
00:43:53,255 --> 00:43:54,923
And I can't be quiet.
831
00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:56,175
I need to be heard.
832
00:43:56,258 --> 00:43:58,344
I have important things
to say, like...
833
00:43:58,427 --> 00:44:01,805
Do these clown pants
834
00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:04,141
make me look fat?
835
00:44:07,353 --> 00:44:10,522
Can a big, strong man
836
00:44:10,606 --> 00:44:16,487
help me put my air conditioning
unit in my window?
837
00:44:16,570 --> 00:44:20,282
My arms hurt from Pilates!
838
00:44:25,412 --> 00:44:27,122
What are you--
839
00:44:27,206 --> 00:44:28,874
You guys are like, "Thank God."
840
00:44:31,335 --> 00:44:33,504
What are you guys doing
this summer? Anything fun?
841
00:44:33,587 --> 00:44:35,297
- Beach.
- You go to the beach?
842
00:44:35,381 --> 00:44:36,423
You go to the beach?
843
00:44:36,507 --> 00:44:38,342
You're a sicko.
You understand that?
844
00:44:38,425 --> 00:44:40,511
You're a sick fucking fuckface.
845
00:44:40,594 --> 00:44:43,222
You go hang out with your
friends at the fucking beach?
846
00:44:43,305 --> 00:44:44,973
You all just look at each other
847
00:44:45,057 --> 00:44:48,435
while you're half-naked
and all the lights are on? Really?
848
00:44:49,186 --> 00:44:51,939
The sun being out? God's lights?
849
00:44:53,023 --> 00:44:55,275
I hate going
to the fucking beach, okay?
850
00:44:55,359 --> 00:44:57,069
I don't want my shit
hanging out, okay?
851
00:44:57,152 --> 00:45:00,322
I want a bathing suit
that's like clothes, you know?
852
00:45:00,406 --> 00:45:03,867
I want a bathing suit that's
like a full fumigation tent.
853
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:07,037
I want to be like Laura Palmer
wrapped in plastic
854
00:45:07,121 --> 00:45:09,123
floating down the fucking river.
855
00:45:09,206 --> 00:45:12,209
And every bathing suit that
everyone makes these days
856
00:45:12,292 --> 00:45:15,337
is like this fucking big.
It's this tiny little big.
857
00:45:15,421 --> 00:45:17,881
You know what I mean?
It's like a goldfish
858
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:20,592
strung up on angel hair pasta,
you know what I mean?
859
00:45:20,676 --> 00:45:24,763
It's like a little Ritz cracker
strung up on dental floss.
860
00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:26,807
You think my hockey puck
of a clit
861
00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:29,893
can hide behind a tiny little
Band-Aid-sized bathing suit
862
00:45:29,977 --> 00:45:32,688
when I look like this
fully naked?
863
00:45:32,771 --> 00:45:34,523
Look at the screen!
864
00:45:34,606 --> 00:45:36,150
Look at it!
865
00:45:38,819 --> 00:45:41,822
What beach could I go to
looking like this?
866
00:45:43,741 --> 00:45:47,119
What fucking beach could I go to
with these, like, tentacles
867
00:45:47,202 --> 00:45:48,704
knocking around?
868
00:45:48,787 --> 00:45:51,457
What bathing suit
could control all of this,
869
00:45:51,540 --> 00:45:53,000
you know what I mean?
870
00:45:53,083 --> 00:45:54,710
Oh, you think that's disgusting?
Really?
871
00:45:54,793 --> 00:45:57,004
Have you seen what Republican
lawmakers are doing
872
00:45:57,087 --> 00:45:58,714
to women's bodies
in this country?
873
00:45:58,797 --> 00:46:00,674
'Cause that's pretty fucking
disgusting.
874
00:46:00,758 --> 00:46:03,552
What bathing suit
could contain all this?
875
00:46:03,635 --> 00:46:05,554
Look at the screen.
876
00:46:05,637 --> 00:46:09,099
Look at the screen, sir.
877
00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:12,436
If I was a stripper, I'd send
people's heads through my legs
878
00:46:12,519 --> 00:46:13,812
and call it a car wash
879
00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,564
'cause they would
just get hit with flaps
880
00:46:15,647 --> 00:46:17,232
and like sprayed with foam.
881
00:46:17,316 --> 00:46:18,901
I can't go to the beach.
882
00:46:18,984 --> 00:46:22,488
What bathing suit would cover
my cow-udder nipples?
883
00:46:22,571 --> 00:46:23,906
I can't go to the beach.
884
00:46:23,989 --> 00:46:28,410
My lips are so long
and distended and disgusting,
885
00:46:28,494 --> 00:46:30,537
they knock around
between my knees
886
00:46:30,621 --> 00:46:33,957
like the pendulum on
a grandfather clock, you know?
887
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:37,419
They're long and, like,
distended and disgusting,
888
00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:41,340
like the jowls of an old
English mastiff
889
00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:45,177
and just as slobbery too,
you know what I mean?
890
00:46:45,260 --> 00:46:49,973
They're like fully just red and
infected like a turkey's wattle.
891
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:53,977
I've got a full open-faced
Reuben between my legs,
892
00:46:54,061 --> 00:46:56,188
dribbling in Thousand Island
dressing.
893
00:46:56,271 --> 00:47:00,275
Like, my vibrator is
a pickle spear and a napkin.
894
00:47:00,359 --> 00:47:02,736
I have so much old meat
in my underwear,
895
00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:04,947
I gotta keep a silica packet
in there
896
00:47:05,030 --> 00:47:06,406
to keep it from going bad.
897
00:47:06,490 --> 00:47:07,991
Like, I can't go to the beach.
898
00:47:08,075 --> 00:47:10,118
My lips are so long,
899
00:47:10,202 --> 00:47:13,622
in order to get my lips into
a tiny little bathing suit,
900
00:47:13,705 --> 00:47:15,499
I have to roll each lip up,
901
00:47:15,582 --> 00:47:18,627
like a Meat Fruit Roll-Up,
or a Meat by the Foot,
902
00:47:18,710 --> 00:47:21,547
and, like, pack it into
my tiny little bathing suit,
903
00:47:21,630 --> 00:47:23,507
stick a space-saver tube
in there,
904
00:47:23,590 --> 00:47:27,553
suck all the air out
and like shrink-wrap my pussy
905
00:47:27,636 --> 00:47:30,013
like I'm folding up a chunky
Christmas sweater
906
00:47:30,097 --> 00:47:32,850
and putting it in an attic
for next Christmas.
907
00:47:32,933 --> 00:47:36,228
I can't go to the beach.
My hole is so big,
908
00:47:36,311 --> 00:47:39,648
if I sit on a pile of sand,
it'll create a sand castle,
909
00:47:39,731 --> 00:47:41,108
you know what I mean?
910
00:47:41,191 --> 00:47:44,486
My vaginal canal is so distorted
and misshapen,
911
00:47:44,570 --> 00:47:48,156
the architecture of the sand
castle would be Gaudí-esque.
912
00:47:50,367 --> 00:47:52,828
No, I get it.
You guys don't like gross stuff.
913
00:47:53,537 --> 00:47:54,705
I get it.
914
00:47:57,791 --> 00:47:59,334
I get it. I get it.
915
00:47:59,418 --> 00:48:01,837
You guys don't like
the gross stuff. I get--
916
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:03,630
You know,
we're running out of time.
917
00:48:03,714 --> 00:48:06,049
I know you guys have like
big things to do or whatever,
918
00:48:06,133 --> 00:48:07,801
and I was gonna show you guys--
919
00:48:07,885 --> 00:48:09,177
I was gonna do a whole game
920
00:48:09,261 --> 00:48:11,263
where I was gonna show
some blood splatter,
921
00:48:11,346 --> 00:48:13,140
and you would have
to guess where
922
00:48:13,223 --> 00:48:14,850
the blood splatter is from.
But I get it.
923
00:48:14,933 --> 00:48:16,768
You guys don't have time.
You don't wanna do it.
924
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:18,687
I know you don't. You don't.
925
00:48:18,770 --> 00:48:21,940
We don't have time!
Guys, we don't. We don't!
926
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:24,568
I was gonna show you
blood splatter
927
00:48:24,651 --> 00:48:25,986
and I was going to say like,
928
00:48:26,069 --> 00:48:28,113
"Where is this blood
splatter from?
929
00:48:28,196 --> 00:48:29,781
From a paper cut,
930
00:48:29,865 --> 00:48:31,491
a vaccine jab, or a hangnail?"
931
00:48:31,575 --> 00:48:33,035
What do you guys
think it's from?
932
00:48:33,118 --> 00:48:35,746
Obviously we don't have time.
It's from a hangnail.
933
00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:38,206
But no. Oh no!
934
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:40,208
Look at the screen.
Look at the screen.
935
00:48:40,292 --> 00:48:43,003
I know. You guys paid $40
for tickets
936
00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:47,007
and I'm giving you
the Criterion Collection for free.
937
00:48:47,090 --> 00:48:48,800
"Oh no. Don't show--" I get it.
938
00:48:48,884 --> 00:48:51,011
You guys don't have time to look
at something like that.
939
00:48:51,094 --> 00:48:53,013
You have no--
You have things to do.
940
00:48:53,096 --> 00:48:55,349
You don't wanna--
"I don't want to see all that."
941
00:48:55,432 --> 00:48:57,225
I get it. You guys
don't want to do that.
942
00:48:57,309 --> 00:48:59,603
I was going to show you blood,
say, "Where is this from?
943
00:48:59,686 --> 00:49:02,439
Getting veneers
or flossing for one minute
944
00:49:02,522 --> 00:49:04,191
for the first time
in six years?"
945
00:49:04,274 --> 00:49:05,984
Where do you guys think
it's from?
946
00:49:06,068 --> 00:49:08,111
Obviously flossing.
But no. I get it.
947
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:10,030
We don't have time
to go through all this.
948
00:49:10,113 --> 00:49:13,492
I was gonna say something like,
I have so many pubes going down--
949
00:49:13,575 --> 00:49:14,826
Look at the screen.
950
00:49:14,910 --> 00:49:17,120
I have so many pubes
that going down on me
951
00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:19,039
is like getting a good floss.
952
00:49:19,122 --> 00:49:22,084
Four out of five dentists agree.
They've all gone down on me.
953
00:49:22,167 --> 00:49:23,794
But you guys don't-- I get it.
954
00:49:23,877 --> 00:49:25,754
You don't wanna see this.
You don't wanna see--
955
00:49:25,837 --> 00:49:27,297
Oh, what kind of blood is this?
956
00:49:27,381 --> 00:49:29,967
Is it period blood or blood
from a period piece
957
00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:32,844
when a little pioneer girl
coughs into a handkerchief
958
00:49:32,928 --> 00:49:35,305
and... "Papa?"
...blood comes out?
959
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:37,933
You guys don't wanna see that.
A five, six, seven, eight.
960
00:49:38,016 --> 00:49:39,768
It's obviously from
period blood.
961
00:49:39,851 --> 00:49:41,687
But no, I get it.
962
00:49:41,770 --> 00:49:43,146
You guys have to go home.
963
00:49:43,230 --> 00:49:45,482
Is there a doctor in the room?
964
00:49:45,565 --> 00:49:47,025
Is there a doctor in the room?
965
00:49:47,609 --> 00:49:49,194
Doctor, is this normal?
966
00:49:49,277 --> 00:49:50,821
Okay. No, I get it.
967
00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:52,614
You guys don't
want to see all that.
968
00:49:56,451 --> 00:49:58,662
No, I get it.
We'll end the show.
969
00:49:58,745 --> 00:50:01,164
You don't care.
You don't care about this.
970
00:50:01,248 --> 00:50:03,792
You don't care about
the avant-garde. I get it.
971
00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:05,335
I was gonna say,
"Where's this from?
972
00:50:05,419 --> 00:50:07,129
Hemorrhoid blood
or bloody stool?"
973
00:50:07,212 --> 00:50:10,048
Obviously it's from--
five, six, seven, eight,
974
00:50:10,132 --> 00:50:12,134
one, two, three, four...
975
00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:14,511
Bloody stool, so...
976
00:50:15,303 --> 00:50:18,432
I can't wipe regular.
You understand?
977
00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:19,891
If I wipe regular,
978
00:50:19,975 --> 00:50:23,770
it looks like a Rothko painting,
"Movement in Red."
979
00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:26,106
Like, I can't even use
one of those tushy bidets.
980
00:50:26,189 --> 00:50:28,817
I need a fuckin' fire hose.
Okay?
981
00:50:28,900 --> 00:50:31,862
I have to go whitewater rafting
asshole-first.
982
00:50:31,945 --> 00:50:33,822
But I get it. I get it.
983
00:50:33,905 --> 00:50:35,407
I was going to say,
"Where is this from?
984
00:50:35,490 --> 00:50:37,034
Hemorrhoid blood
or bloody stool?"
985
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:38,869
It's obviously hemorrhoid blood
986
00:50:38,952 --> 00:50:41,496
'cause now the show
has come full circle.
987
00:50:41,580 --> 00:50:43,915
We started with hemorrhoids,
we're ending with hemorrhoids.
988
00:50:43,999 --> 00:50:46,209
But I get it.
You guys don't have hemorrhoids.
989
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,128
You have perfect holes.
990
00:50:48,211 --> 00:50:49,963
You have perfect holes.
991
00:50:50,047 --> 00:50:52,758
Your holes are
a perfectly smooth circle.
992
00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:54,676
I could just stick
a finger in there
993
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,429
and send you guys down
a bowling alley lane
994
00:50:57,512 --> 00:51:00,015
to knock over a couple of pins.
I get it.
995
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:01,600
Oh, this old thing?
996
00:51:04,436 --> 00:51:06,772
Did you guys have
a fun time tonight?
997
00:51:11,443 --> 00:51:13,570
You guys have been such
an amazing audience.
998
00:51:13,653 --> 00:51:14,863
Keep it going for yourself.
999
00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:18,909
We've seen a lot of things
we can't unsee.
1000
00:51:18,992 --> 00:51:22,579
I said a lot
of things I can't unsay.
1001
00:51:22,662 --> 00:51:26,541
Which is why I wanted
to end tonight's show
1002
00:51:27,417 --> 00:51:31,254
with a little guided meditation.
1003
00:51:33,757 --> 00:51:38,762
'Cause I wanted to provide
you guys with a bit of aftercare
1004
00:51:40,555 --> 00:51:44,184
'cause you guys seemed
really stressed out all night.
1005
00:51:44,267 --> 00:51:46,895
And I want to make sure
you all feel
1006
00:51:46,978 --> 00:51:50,816
deeply calm, deeply...
1007
00:51:50,899 --> 00:51:55,529
Relaxed
1008
00:51:56,530 --> 00:52:01,159
Everybody, close your eyes.
1009
00:52:02,536 --> 00:52:05,956
Awesome.
I see every eye fully open.
1010
00:52:07,165 --> 00:52:11,336
How about we get
those eyes fully closed.
1011
00:52:12,337 --> 00:52:14,589
Relax your body
1012
00:52:14,673 --> 00:52:19,386
by releasing any areas
of tension.
1013
00:52:19,469 --> 00:52:21,680
Allow your arms to go limp.
1014
00:52:21,763 --> 00:52:22,973
Oh!
1015
00:52:23,056 --> 00:52:24,599
And then your legs.
1016
00:52:24,683 --> 00:52:26,226
Ooh!
1017
00:52:26,309 --> 00:52:27,894
Now just...
1018
00:52:27,978 --> 00:52:32,065
Relax
1019
00:52:32,983 --> 00:52:36,903
Breathe deeply, inhale.
1020
00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:43,994
Allow your lungs to fill
with fresh air
1021
00:52:44,077 --> 00:52:46,913
and comedy club mouth-breath.
1022
00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:50,750
And exhale.
1023
00:52:52,627 --> 00:52:55,463
Releasing all that COVID.
1024
00:52:57,632 --> 00:52:58,842
Inhale.
1025
00:52:59,843 --> 00:53:00,927
Exhale.
1026
00:53:02,095 --> 00:53:04,556
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1027
00:53:04,639 --> 00:53:07,809
Relaxed
1028
00:53:08,685 --> 00:53:11,771
Imagine you are on a beach,
1029
00:53:12,856 --> 00:53:15,066
the East River beach.
1030
00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:16,943
Isn't that nice?
1031
00:53:17,694 --> 00:53:21,448
You hear the waves
crashing on the shore.
1032
00:53:24,242 --> 00:53:27,287
You smell the ocean spray.
1033
00:53:27,370 --> 00:53:33,210
The air smells moist
and it smells brown.
1034
00:53:34,586 --> 00:53:40,926
You hear a pleasant breeze
blowing through the palm trees.
1035
00:53:41,009 --> 00:53:42,427
Inhale.
1036
00:53:43,553 --> 00:53:44,846
Exhale.
1037
00:53:45,972 --> 00:53:48,934
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1038
00:53:49,017 --> 00:53:53,021
Relaxed
1039
00:53:53,104 --> 00:53:54,814
Off in the distance,
1040
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:58,360
you see a figure approaching,
1041
00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:02,197
wading through the water. Mmm!
1042
00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:05,659
His broad shoulders
are in silhouette
1043
00:54:05,742 --> 00:54:09,037
underneath the gaze
of the bright sun.
1044
00:54:09,829 --> 00:54:11,206
The closer he gets,
1045
00:54:11,289 --> 00:54:14,668
the more clear
his features become.
1046
00:54:14,751 --> 00:54:16,419
Ooh!
1047
00:54:16,503 --> 00:54:20,715
His sinuous muscles
stretched taut
1048
00:54:20,799 --> 00:54:23,885
beneath glistening bronzed skin.
1049
00:54:23,969 --> 00:54:25,303
Ooh!
1050
00:54:25,387 --> 00:54:26,471
Inhale.
1051
00:54:27,347 --> 00:54:28,431
Exhale.
1052
00:54:29,391 --> 00:54:31,559
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1053
00:54:31,643 --> 00:54:34,187
Relaxed
1054
00:54:34,813 --> 00:54:39,818
You see the man
reach down into the water
1055
00:54:39,901 --> 00:54:42,195
to retrieve something.
1056
00:54:42,904 --> 00:54:45,115
What is it?
1057
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:48,994
He pulls an enormous
chonch shell
1058
00:54:49,077 --> 00:54:51,371
from the ocean floor.
1059
00:54:51,454 --> 00:54:54,791
Chonch shell. Chonch shell?
Chonch shell.
1060
00:54:54,874 --> 00:54:58,253
Chonk shell? Conch shell?
Conk shell.
1061
00:54:58,336 --> 00:55:01,548
Conk shell? Conch shell?
Chonch shell. Chonch shell.
1062
00:55:01,631 --> 00:55:03,425
Conk shell? Conk shell.
1063
00:55:03,508 --> 00:55:05,593
Conk shell. Conk shell.
Chonk shell.
1064
00:55:05,677 --> 00:55:07,345
Conch shell?
1065
00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:10,598
He pulls an enormous
Coachella shell
1066
00:55:10,682 --> 00:55:13,184
from the ocean floor.
1067
00:55:13,268 --> 00:55:17,564
Its gaping, almond-shaped
maw is rimmed
1068
00:55:17,647 --> 00:55:20,942
with a fleshy pink hue.
1069
00:55:21,026 --> 00:55:25,864
Salt water dribbles from the corner
of the tchotchke's mouth
1070
00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:27,866
as the man's rugged hands
1071
00:55:27,949 --> 00:55:30,410
bring it into the sunlight.
1072
00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:31,619
Inhale.
1073
00:55:32,120 --> 00:55:33,330
Exhale.
1074
00:55:34,247 --> 00:55:36,624
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1075
00:55:36,708 --> 00:55:39,377
Relaxed
1076
00:55:39,961 --> 00:55:43,256
You see the man slide
1077
00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:48,011
his turgid, throbbing,
tree-trunk...
1078
00:55:48,094 --> 00:55:50,096
penis...
1079
00:55:50,180 --> 00:55:52,349
into the mouth of...
1080
00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:53,767
the shell.
1081
00:55:53,850 --> 00:55:56,227
The deeper his shaft
1082
00:55:56,311 --> 00:55:58,605
plunges into the shell...
1083
00:55:58,688 --> 00:56:02,734
the more salt water
gushes out from it.
1084
00:56:02,817 --> 00:56:03,818
Inhale.
1085
00:56:04,861 --> 00:56:05,987
Exhale.
1086
00:56:06,738 --> 00:56:09,324
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1087
00:56:09,407 --> 00:56:11,910
Relaxed
1088
00:56:11,993 --> 00:56:14,162
The man looks up at you,
1089
00:56:14,245 --> 00:56:17,123
you see now for the first time,
1090
00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:22,379
the man's piercing blue eyes
are familiar.
1091
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:25,006
It is your...
1092
00:56:25,090 --> 00:56:26,383
dad!
1093
00:56:30,220 --> 00:56:33,264
Relaxed
1094
00:56:33,348 --> 00:56:36,810
Your dad stares intently at you
1095
00:56:36,893 --> 00:56:39,646
as he slides his shaft into
1096
00:56:39,729 --> 00:56:43,149
and out of the shell's wet hole.
1097
00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:46,152
Just relax
1098
00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:49,989
Allow the waves
to wash over you.
1099
00:56:50,073 --> 00:56:55,286
Allow the tide to pull your head
beneath the surface.
1100
00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:56,663
Inhale.
1101
00:56:57,455 --> 00:57:02,419
Allow your lungs to fill
completely with salt water.
1102
00:57:02,502 --> 00:57:05,130
Just relax
1103
00:57:05,213 --> 00:57:07,966
You are drowning!
1104
00:57:08,049 --> 00:57:10,218
Just relax
1105
00:57:10,301 --> 00:57:12,262
So allow your soul
1106
00:57:12,345 --> 00:57:14,097
to leave your body.
1107
00:57:14,180 --> 00:57:17,559
Just relax
1108
00:57:17,642 --> 00:57:22,105
Finally, you've achieved
the ultimate peace
1109
00:57:22,188 --> 00:57:25,358
in the great eternal cosmos
1110
00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:27,694
of the afterlife!
1111
00:57:27,777 --> 00:57:30,321
You are deeply calm.
1112
00:57:30,405 --> 00:57:32,615
Deeply dead!
1113
00:57:32,699 --> 00:57:33,992
And deeply...
1114
00:57:34,075 --> 00:57:37,328
Relaxed
1115
00:58:42,477 --> 00:58:44,103
Thank you guys
so much for coming.
1116
00:58:44,187 --> 00:58:45,522
I love you guys so much.
1117
00:58:50,151 --> 00:58:52,237
I've been Sarah. Good night.
1118
00:59:05,750 --> 00:59:07,585
What'd you guys think
of the show?
1119
00:59:07,669 --> 00:59:09,003
- It was awesome.
- Awesome.
1120
00:59:09,087 --> 00:59:10,755
I feel great.
I feel enlightened.
1121
00:59:10,838 --> 00:59:14,133
That is a bizarre person
with a disturbed mind.
1122
00:59:15,009 --> 00:59:18,513
I've never seen
vocal cords look so wet.
1123
00:59:18,596 --> 00:59:20,890
- It was nuts.
- It was kind of scary.
1124
00:59:20,974 --> 00:59:22,308
But in a good way.
1125
00:59:22,392 --> 00:59:23,935
I'm more wet than
I thought I would be.
1126
00:59:24,018 --> 00:59:26,062
Oh, it makes you want to
fall in love, and, uh,
1127
00:59:26,145 --> 00:59:28,189
it's incredible, you know?
She's the best.
1128
00:59:28,273 --> 00:59:30,024
She's the greatest. I love her.
1129
00:59:30,108 --> 00:59:32,777
And it was everything
we wanted to see and more.
1130
00:59:32,860 --> 00:59:35,697
Sarah killed it.
The last time I saw the show,
1131
00:59:35,780 --> 00:59:36,948
my grandma came,
1132
00:59:37,031 --> 00:59:39,158
and she loved the labia part.
1133
00:59:39,242 --> 00:59:41,035
It was incredible.
I think in the future,
1134
00:59:41,119 --> 00:59:43,121
they're gonna talk about
the history
1135
00:59:43,204 --> 00:59:45,206
before the show and after.
1136
00:59:45,290 --> 00:59:48,376
And they're gonna determine
that it was this show
1137
00:59:48,459 --> 00:59:50,795
that drove humanity
over the edge,
1138
00:59:50,878 --> 00:59:52,422
right down into the toilet.
1139
00:59:52,505 --> 00:59:54,340
I loved it. I laughed, I cried.
1140
00:59:54,424 --> 00:59:56,676
I got my period in the middle
of the show.
1141
00:59:56,759 --> 00:59:58,928
We're all gonna rock out
for Sarah tonight!
1142
00:59:59,012 --> 01:00:00,346
Whoo-hoo! Sarah Squirm!
1143
01:00:00,430 --> 01:00:02,223
I'll never forget it
as long as I live.
1144
01:00:02,307 --> 01:00:03,725
It was better than ice cream.
1145
01:00:03,808 --> 01:00:06,436
I would like to wear
a poncho next time.
1146
01:00:07,228 --> 01:00:08,271
I love Sarah.
1147
01:00:08,354 --> 01:00:10,315
She's really gross.
1148
01:00:10,398 --> 01:00:12,191
She's fucking crazy.
1149
01:00:13,026 --> 01:00:14,360
I thought it was wonderful.
1150
01:00:14,444 --> 01:00:16,446
She's funny. She's funny!
1151
01:00:17,322 --> 01:00:19,449
It was such a cute night out.
1152
01:00:19,532 --> 01:00:22,410
She's really funny
and really fucking disgusting.
1153
01:00:22,493 --> 01:00:24,454
Dude, it makes me fucking sick.
1154
01:00:24,537 --> 01:00:25,872
It changed my life.
1155
01:00:25,955 --> 01:00:27,373
I love Sarah!
1156
01:00:27,457 --> 01:00:29,751
I've never felt
this way in my life.