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Downloaded from
YTS.LT
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT
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[playful screaming]
4
00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:17,600
[clears throat]
Sorry about that!
5
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:20,353
- [giggles]
- [eerie music playing]
6
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,108
[deep cackling laughter]
7
00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:32,490
[squelching]
8
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:39,456
[eerie giggling]
9
00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:42,208
[chomping]
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[eerie giggling continues]
11
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[farting]
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00:00:52,802 --> 00:00:54,345
[eerie music continues]
13
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,347
[eerie giggling]
14
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[thunder crashing]
15
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:06,274
- [music ends]
- [deep voice cackling]
16
00:01:06,357 --> 00:01:07,650
[door creaks open]
17
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:10,320
Sarah, you're on in five.
18
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,198
- [groans]
- [door creaks]
19
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,534
[scoffs] She's not even
in hair and make up yet.
20
00:01:16,659 --> 00:01:18,828
[Sarah] Just a minute!
I'm indecent!
21
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,455
[scoffs]
22
00:01:20,538 --> 00:01:21,790
[toilet flushes]
23
00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:23,750
[pulsating, thumping]
24
00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:25,335
[eerie music plays]
25
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:27,962
[gags]
26
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:29,547
[sniffs, groans]
27
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:36,679
[honking]
28
00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:38,932
[honking]
29
00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,107
[eyes boinging, twinkling]
30
00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,608
[blabbers]
31
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,778
[eerie music intensifies]
32
00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:00,537
- Ready!
- [groans] You...
33
00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:01,788
You got something on...
34
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:04,165
You-You want some Visine
or something?
35
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,458
[splat]
36
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:06,626
Eww!
37
00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:09,212
Now you look worse!
38
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:13,341
Go on out there and remind them
why God invented the barf bag.
39
00:02:13,424 --> 00:02:17,220
[announcer] Go absolutely crazy
right now for Sarah Squirm!
40
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,223
- Live and in the Flesh!
- [groans]
41
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,433
[intense heavy metal playing]
42
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[loud gulping]
43
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[gasps]
44
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:27,772
Ugh!
45
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,693
[audience cheering]
46
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,408
Shut up!
47
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,326
Fuck you!
48
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:43,413
I barely made it onstage
tonight, you hear me?
49
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:46,082
I've been blowing my back out
diarrhea-style
50
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,584
all fucking night.
51
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:51,462
Yeah, sorry I use my butthole!
Where's yours?
52
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:53,423
In your garage, collecting dust?
53
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,925
- Fuck you!
- [laughter]
54
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:59,929
[laughs] Yeah, I overuse
my butthole, okay?
55
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:03,057
I have so many hemorrhoids,
I don't walk, I waddle.
56
00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:05,435
I have so many hemorrhoids,
I can, like,
57
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:08,229
read my butthole like braille,
58
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:11,399
and it says,
"Stop wiping like that."
59
00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:13,568
There's so much shit
coming out of my ass--
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00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:15,361
Okay, stop looking,
my eyes are up here.
61
00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:16,988
There's so much shit
coming out--
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00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:18,781
There's so much shit
coming out of my ass,
63
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,910
the doctors had to construct
a second butthole
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00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,703
to redirect traffic.
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00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:25,955
Here's the thing, my piss
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is worse than my shit!
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You understand?
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00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:30,752
I'm so dehydrated,
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00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:33,880
my piss comes out
thick and brown,
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00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:36,716
like I'm squeezing
an old bottle of mustard
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00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:38,551
into the bowl, like--
[mimics bottle squelch]
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It hits the surface
of the water with a thunk
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and like coils
at the bottom of the bowl.
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00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,934
Oh, you think that's disgusting?
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00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:48,478
Really? Have you heard
of the Vietnam War?
76
00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:50,480
Because that was pretty
fucking disgusting!
77
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:51,814
And where were you?
78
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,900
You know what pisses me off?
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00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:56,694
When people say going
"number one" and "number two."
80
00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:59,697
It's like pissing and shitting
isn't a binary,
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00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:02,867
it's a fucking spectrum.
Are you kidding me?
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00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:06,371
My piss is so thick
and my shit is so runny,
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00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,456
no matter what I'm doing
in the bathroom, honey,
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00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:10,375
I'm going to number
one-point-five. Hey!
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00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,460
["Seinfeld" theme music plays]
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00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:14,587
[audience cheering]
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00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:20,176
What kind of comedy show did you
think you were seeing tonight?
88
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,595
What did you think?
"Yeah, my wife..."
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00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,472
[mic thudding]
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00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:26,516
"Yeah, my wife's a bitch.
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00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:29,978
Yeah, my wife's a bitch
and my mother's a whore
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00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:31,771
and I'm too dumb
to know the difference!"
93
00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,856
["Seinfeld" theme music plays]
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00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,900
[laughter]
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00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:37,527
- [music stops]
- Guys, focus up. Seriously.
96
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:39,028
Why'd you wear your glasses?
97
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,406
So you could see my
prepubescent body better,
98
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:42,949
you pervert? You're sick.
99
00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:45,618
Keep your head down the rest
of the show. Seriously?
100
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,912
Nice shirt. Where'd you
get that? The fuckin' store?
101
00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:49,497
Gotcha, bitch. That's it!
102
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:51,791
It's over for every ho
in the room.
103
00:04:51,874 --> 00:04:54,460
Do you understand me?
Who wants to get roasted?
104
00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,254
Stand up.
Stand up if you want it.
105
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:57,672
Stand up right now.
106
00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:59,632
Stand up! Stand up!
Don't be scared.
107
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:03,636
[whimpering] "Oh, I couldn't
possibly stand up!"
108
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,139
Stand up. You. Both of you.
109
00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:08,725
Spin around.
Spin all the way around.
110
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,476
Where'd you learn
to spin around like that?
111
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:14,230
The toilet, ya piece of shit?
Sit down. It's over!
112
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,525
Some more ground rules
for tonight:
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If anyone has to go to
the bathroom during the show,
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put on a diaper and shit your
diaper like a fucking grown-up.
115
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:26,367
You understand me?
Come on, Brooklyn.
116
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,787
Y'all ever shit your diaper
so hard, diarrhea explodes
117
00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:32,540
up the top and you gotta wipe
shit off your tits?
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00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,917
Y'all know what I'm
talking about. Come on.
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00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:36,753
And you guys saw that, right?
120
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,504
I just put my hand
into the audience,
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as innocent as an Easter lamb,
122
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,091
as simple as a pine needle,
123
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,260
and they just shot their
hand out and assaulted it?
124
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,262
- Security.
- [laughter]
125
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,931
[laughs]
Lotta poop talk tonight.
126
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,601
- Get used to it. [chuckles]
- [laughter]
127
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,478
Lotta poop talk tonight.
128
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:56,856
I have a sensitive stomach
'cause I'm, uh, I'm Jewish.
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00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,524
Where my Jews at?
130
00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:01,277
- Make some noise!
- [cheering]
131
00:06:01,944 --> 00:06:05,031
Where my J-J-J-Jews at?
[hooting]
132
00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:09,452
Make some motherfucking...
[hooting] ...noise!
133
00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:10,745
[cheering]
134
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,498
[hooting] Where my Jews at?
Make some noise!
135
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:14,832
[audience hooting]
136
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,126
Where my Jews at?
Make some noise!
137
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:18,503
[hooting]
138
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:21,005
Lights on, round 'em up.
Let's go!
139
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,509
Relax, I can say that.
I'm a Jew.
140
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,719
I'm a cool Jew. I believe
in a free Palestine.
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00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,430
[cheering]
142
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,015
Yeah, of course I do.
143
00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:32,934
I'm Jewish and it's free. Hey!
144
00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:35,561
["Seinfeld" theme music plays]
145
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,605
[laughter]
146
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:39,565
[music stops]
147
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:41,526
[laughs]
148
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,861
Here's my impression
of you guys looking for
149
00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:46,823
a single decent joke
out of me tonight.
150
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:50,159
[laughter]
151
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,791
Hello? [echoing]
152
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:02,547
Are there any j-j-j-jokes
out there? [echoing]
153
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:08,219
Here's my impression
of my gyno cracking me open
154
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:09,429
and getting a look inside.
155
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:12,557
Ho! [echoing]
156
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:16,144
Whoa! It's huge! [echoing]
157
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:20,481
Sarah, I didn't know they made
poop in here. Wow! [echoing]
158
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:24,152
Sarah, did you do
renovations in here? Huh!
159
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:25,736
Looks like you knocked
down the wall
160
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:28,948
between your pussy
and your asshole. Wow. [echoing]
161
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:31,367
You know, I threw a penny
in here five minutes ago
162
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:34,537
and I still haven't
heard a splash! [echoing]
163
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,166
Guys, seriously,
can we focus up?
164
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:40,710
We have a fucking
comedy show to do tonight, okay?
165
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,087
Look at me dropping--
Look at me with two microphones.
166
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:45,506
What am I,
a woman in tech? Awesome.
167
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,925
Who's skinnier,
me or this mic stand?
168
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,094
Don't answer that.
If you answer, you hate women.
169
00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:52,305
Which you do! [laughs]
170
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:53,890
I don't know if you knew this
171
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,100
but they actually
painted the set
172
00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:59,228
with the gack they scraped
out of my underwear.
173
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,856
- [laughter]
- Oh, come on, fuck you.
174
00:08:01,939 --> 00:08:04,692
You peel your underwear off
at the end of a long, hard day
175
00:08:04,775 --> 00:08:07,028
and it looks like
a fresh autumn leaf?
176
00:08:07,111 --> 00:08:08,488
You throw it to the ground,
177
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:10,156
it crunches underneath
your foot like--
178
00:08:10,239 --> 00:08:11,741
[crinkling] Seriously?
179
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:13,201
You peel your underwear off
180
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:15,369
and it's dry as a bone? No!
181
00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:18,206
You haven't lived your life
182
00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:20,166
unless when you peel
your underwear off,
183
00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:23,127
it looks like what?
Roadkill. Exactly!
184
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:26,756
It should look like you peeled
it off the grille of a truck
185
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:32,428
going 150 miles an hour
in like rain, sleet, mudslides.
186
00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:34,680
There should be like
a flattened pigeon in it.
187
00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,015
You know what I mean?
188
00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:38,309
It should look like
your pussy sneezed in it.
189
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:39,685
You understand me?
190
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,979
It should look like
your uterine lining
191
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:43,397
shed a full oyster,
192
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:46,817
like-- [slurps]
And just as salty. You know?
193
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,569
I'm gonna be giving
you guys the best show
194
00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,988
of my fucking life tonight.
I'm gonna be working my--
195
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,115
Don't clap because you pity me.
196
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:54,951
[laughter]
197
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:56,285
I'm gonna be giving you the best
198
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,246
fucking show of my
goddamn life tonight,
199
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,164
I'm gonna crawl back
to my apartment,
200
00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:02,625
this guy's going to be standing
outside with a tin can like,
201
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,502
"Please, Sarah!
202
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:07,338
Can I have a crumb
of p-p-p-pussy, please?"
203
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:08,714
I'm gonna be like, "Later."
204
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,675
I'm going to go into
my apartment,
205
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,343
take the elevator all the way up
206
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,303
to the penthouse suite
celebrity lifestyle
207
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,639
floor-one view of the dumpster,
208
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,516
and I'm gonna-- [laughs]
209
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,893
I'm gonna peel my little
clown suit off. [moans]
210
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:24,272
[laughs] I'm gonna peel
my little underwear off. [moans]
211
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:27,525
And I'm going to get a good,
like, cheese pull like--
212
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,611
[mimics loud squelching]
213
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,196
Like I'm pulling a slice
214
00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:35,449
of deep dish Chicago pizza
out of the pie, like--
215
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:36,742
[mimics loud squelching]
216
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,911
Cheese rope so long and thick
217
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:41,330
you could cut them with
scissors, like-- [squelching]
218
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,082
Then I'm going to throw it
to the ground
219
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:45,251
and it's going to be like
dropping an everything bagel
220
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:47,420
cream cheese-side first, like...
221
00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:50,756
"Hey! I was gonna eat that!"
222
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:54,343
So if anyone wants to buy
my underwear after the show,
223
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,970
I'll be selling it
at the merch table.
224
00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:57,555
Do I hear $10,000?
225
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,099
Do I hear $20,000? $30,000?
226
00:10:00,182 --> 00:10:03,561
Sold to the pervert growing
an REI tent in his pants
227
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:06,564
right as we speak. Jesus!
228
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:09,442
We're in public!
There's cameras, sir!
229
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:12,236
Can you imagine, by the way,
an auctioneer
230
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:15,698
going down on you like--
[rapid auctioneering]
231
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:16,949
[laughter]
232
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:21,329
Don't get any ideas,
pervert, okay?
233
00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:23,623
Going down on me sucks, okay?
234
00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:25,249
[laughs]
235
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:26,792
It's like eating dog food.
236
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,462
[huffs] You got to do it
on all fours.
237
00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:32,298
[huffing and puffing]
238
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,717
Stinks like shit. [grunts]
239
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,678
There's bones in it. [huffing]
240
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:40,473
In order to get my boyfriend
to take his medication,
241
00:10:40,556 --> 00:10:44,185
I have to put his balding pills
under my clitoral hood.
242
00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:45,811
[audience reacts]
243
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:48,481
A blue-haired bisexual
in the back just went,
244
00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:50,149
"Boyfriend?!
245
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,527
She's fucking straight?!
246
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,530
Nooo!"
247
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,492
[mic thudding rapidly]
248
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,495
"She's wearing the worst outfit
I've ever seen,
249
00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:04,872
she has the ugliest haircut
I've ever seen,
250
00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:09,085
but she's fucking straight?
Nooo!
251
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,546
I want my money back!"
252
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,299
How much were tickets
to the show? Be honest.
253
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:16,967
Be honest with me.
Look at me in my eyes.
254
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,969
How much were tickets
to the show?
255
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,513
$35?
256
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,683
And I'm on TV. Awesome. Great.
257
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,227
$35 and I'm on TV.
258
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,104
What am I,
a handbag on QVC? Come on!
259
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:31,065
["Seinfeld" theme music plays]
260
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:33,859
[music stops]
261
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,488
Peel my little underwear off.
[moans]
262
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:39,615
Peel my little... [moans]
263
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,410
A guy in the back just starts
spontaneously coming, like...
264
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:45,162
[moaning wildly]
265
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:46,414
[chuckles]
266
00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:50,042
[moaning wildly]
267
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,838
If you come like that,
you're a liar.
268
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,589
You're a liar!
269
00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:57,883
You downloaded that sound
from the internet.
270
00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,094
[moaning wildly]
271
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:02,805
That's not your truest
expression of pleasure.
272
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,932
[moaning wildly]
273
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,647
[mimics baby cry]
274
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,734
He's hard. He's hard.
What's your first and last name?
275
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,193
What's your first and last name?
276
00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:19,697
Control-F Epstein's
flight logs for his name.
277
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:21,490
[laughter]
278
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,535
What does it sound like when
you guys come? Be honest.
279
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,328
Be honest.
280
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:27,830
- [man grunts]
- Oh my God.
281
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,584
Can we do that again?
Can we do that again?
282
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:33,377
Everybody look at him.
Do it again.
283
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:35,129
[harsh grunt]
284
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:38,966
Okay, so, it sounds like you're
shitting out your own heart.
285
00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:42,470
So it's medically inadvisable
for you to come, so...
286
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:44,472
If you're an adult,
what it should sound like
287
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,474
when you come is, obviously,
288
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:47,641
ten Italian guys
289
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,894
fighting over a
parking spot like--
290
00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:54,398
[aggressive babbling]
291
00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,569
"Va fangool! Your mother!"
292
00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,237
[chuckles]
293
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,198
What does it sound like
when I come?
294
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:03,908
Wouldn't know. Um...
295
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:07,203
I've been banging this thing
with a rock for years!
296
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,663
Guy in the back with
a chainsaw is like,
297
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,415
"I can make you fucking come."
298
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:13,501
[snarling]
299
00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:16,504
Relax. I can do it. If I try!
300
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:17,797
[chuckles]
301
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,381
What does it sound like
when I come?
302
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,258
It sounds like an old goat
303
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:24,470
trying on too-tight
skinny jeans, like...
304
00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:28,599
[braying]
305
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,100
[moaning]
306
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,436
Oh my God,
I look freaking amazing!
307
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,483
Why do they call it
"achieve" orgasm?
308
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:40,027
It's not an achievement.
You should be ashamed.
309
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:42,112
You're out here in
the free world coming
310
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,864
after all your mother
has done for you?
311
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,157
Are you serious?
312
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,535
I just invoked your mother
313
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:50,120
and you just sat there
totally unfazed.
314
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,581
Seriously. I said "your mother"
315
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,875
and you looked at me
like "la-la-la."
316
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,418
You come here right now.
317
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:59,421
Do I have your consent
to physically assault you?
318
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,423
Stand up. Stand up.
Do I have your consent?
319
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:03,884
I'm gonna fuckin'
fuck you up violently.
320
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,928
I swear to fucking God,
look at me.
321
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,596
Look at me right now in my eyes.
322
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:08,848
I swear to fucking God.
323
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,474
Do you mind if I stretch
your shirt out?
324
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:12,601
I don't care.
I swear to fucking God.
325
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:15,187
If you ever even think
about disrespecting
326
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,482
my beautiful
public-schoolteacher mother
327
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,025
in the way that
you just disrespected
328
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:21,902
your mother's memory
right fucking now.
329
00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:24,488
If you even think about
cutting her off in traffic,
330
00:14:24,613 --> 00:14:26,782
I swear to fucking God,
I'll literally take my hand,
331
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,409
push it so far through your face
332
00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:30,327
that it comes out the
other side of your skull
333
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:32,746
holding your fucking brain,
I swear to fucking God.
334
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,832
Look at me in my eyes.
My mother's eyes.
335
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,709
I swear to fucking God.
336
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:39,461
If you so much as google
my mother, Robin Sherman,
337
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,213
'cause you said,
"I'm hot, maybe she's hot,"
338
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:42,506
I swear to fucking God,
339
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:44,133
I'll peel the skin
off your face,
340
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:46,468
put it on a little stick
and wave it like it's a flag
341
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,470
on the Fourth of fucking July.
342
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,848
If you, people watching at home,
343
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,100
the six guys
jerking off to this,
344
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:55,060
if you-- Hope it's more!
345
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,604
I swear to fucking God,
346
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:59,189
if you even think about
emailing my mother,
347
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:01,942
RobinSherman123@hotmail.com,
348
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,986
to tell her I did a good job
at the show tonight,
349
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,321
I swear to fucking God,
350
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,489
I'll literally dress you up
as Trump's ear,
351
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:10,200
put you behind his podium
at one of his rallies,
352
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:11,827
and say, "Ready, aim, fire!"
353
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,288
I swear to fucking God
if any of you--
354
00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:16,874
I mean any of you!
But do I ever call her?
355
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,292
No. So...
356
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:24,131
Yeah, that's right.
I said Trump. [scoffs]
357
00:15:24,214 --> 00:15:27,426
What are you gonna do?
Frown at me about it? [laughs]
358
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,012
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
I said something political
359
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:32,097
for one fucking second
and you guys just...
360
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,475
I said something fucking
political for one second
361
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:37,019
and your buttholes
just curled right up.
362
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:39,772
Like they were going to bed
with a book.
363
00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:42,149
I said something--
I can say whatever I want.
364
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:43,817
I knocked on a thousand doors
365
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:46,070
for Bernie Sanders in 2020.
366
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,738
[cheering]
367
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,157
Didn't work. Didn't work.
[laughs]
368
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,159
Imagine you're
an undecided voter,
369
00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:54,995
you open up the door
and I'm there like, "Hi!"
370
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,332
Dressed like I'm ready
for tummy time.
371
00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:00,793
"Hi!" [laughs]
372
00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:02,503
You're an undecided voter
who doesn't know
373
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:04,380
whether or not people
should live their lives
374
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,298
with, like, dignity
in this country,
375
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,300
you open up the door,
I'm there looking like
376
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:10,636
Paula Poundstone
fucked SpongeBob.
377
00:16:11,595 --> 00:16:14,598
"Hi! Can I use your bathroom?"
[chuckles]
378
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:17,142
I thought it would've been cool
to have a Jewish president.
379
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,727
You kidding me?
He would've been like...
380
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,438
[as Bernie Sanders]
"We can't go to war with Iran
381
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,649
'cause it's too expensive."
382
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:27,569
"We have to ban assault rifles
383
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:28,988
'cause they're too loud."
384
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:30,739
[mic scraping]
385
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,241
"We need Medicare for all
386
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,034
'cause my stomach hurts. Okay?"
387
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:38,706
And if you're not laughing
at that, you hate Jews, so...
388
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:41,792
I think Medicare for all
should include me
389
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:45,087
getting big, fat, fake tits
for free!
390
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:47,131
[cheering]
391
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,300
You guys are cheering 'cause
you know my tits are shit?
392
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,886
Wouldn't that be awesome if
I had two big Billie Eilishes?
393
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,430
Like, "Boing, boing, boing."
394
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,598
When they're that big,
it's not motor-boating,
395
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,892
it's cruise-shipping.
396
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,020
And I have shit for tits.
My eyes are up here.
397
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:02,646
Don't look. They're so far apart
398
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:03,981
on either side of my torso,
399
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,691
I call them hammerhead titties.
400
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,277
I have to wear a corrective bra
401
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,446
'cause of my one lazy areola.
402
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,448
They're double D,
double directional.
403
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:15,492
Like, I have-- my nipples
are huger than my tit.
404
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:18,454
Have I lost you? My nipples are
huger than my tit,
405
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:20,456
they meet in
the center of my chest
406
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,041
and wrap around my back
407
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:24,460
like a Pangea nipple
supercontinent.
408
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:26,462
You know what I mean?
Like, feeling me up,
409
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:27,963
there's just-- it sucks.
410
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:32,176
There's like nothing there.
It's like rock climbing
411
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,094
free solo-style,
412
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:36,388
like, no helmet, no rope.
413
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,474
You have to use
the inside of your palm
414
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,851
and like a specific part
of your knuckle
415
00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:43,854
and like your leg for leverage.
416
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:45,939
And if you're crazy
enough to do it,
417
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,776
National Geographic
will make a documentary
418
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,944
about your bizarre psychology.
419
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,031
Feeling me up is like
420
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,784
looking around for
a light switch in the dark like,
421
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:59,870
"Hello? Where is it?
422
00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:03,373
[whimpers] I just stubbed my toe
on your clit!"
423
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,460
I got a mammogram recently.
424
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:09,046
Recreational mammogram. Relax.
And, um...
425
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,257
By the way, why have
they not invented
426
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,468
a better way to do that?
You know?
427
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:16,512
Why is that the technology?
428
00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:18,597
It sucks your tit
out of your chest
429
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,599
till you hear a pop like--
[clicks tongue]
430
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:22,726
Then make you place
your tit into
431
00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:24,895
a freezing cold panini press.
432
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:28,982
It's like a Jigsaw trap
for your fucking tit.
433
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:31,443
Like, "Wanna play a game
with the titties?" [sharp crack]
434
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,529
You know what I mean? It sucks.
435
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:36,281
I got the test results back
for my mammogram
436
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,575
and the test results
literally said
437
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,786
that my breasts were small
438
00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:43,330
and incredibly dense. [scoffs]
439
00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:47,084
And I said, "Doc,
I know they're small,
440
00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:49,002
but did you have to call
'em stupid?"
441
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:53,132
- ["Seinfeld" theme music plays]
- [laughter]
442
00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:54,550
[music stops]
443
00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,427
It's your fault for laughing
at something like that.
444
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:58,762
You're better than that.
445
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:02,933
No, I got a recreational
mammogram. [chuckles]
446
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:06,478
Because I'm a fucking crazy
Jewish hypochondriac,
447
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,689
and I'm like a misery
to live with.
448
00:19:08,772 --> 00:19:11,692
Like, every day,
like, my poi boyfriend--
449
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:14,278
Awesome. So I just said
"poi boyfriend."
450
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:16,613
I just had a stroke onstage
and nobody called an ambulance
451
00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:19,116
'cause none of you are allies.
Thanks.
452
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:20,784
[Sarah laughs]
453
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,327
Every day my poor boyfriend
454
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:23,996
comes home from a long hard day
455
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,706
at the unemployment factory.
456
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,750
[laughter]
457
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,295
"Honey, I'm home still!"
458
00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:35,591
He comes home after clocking out
459
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:38,177
of the nine-to-five day
having sex
460
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,929
with the giant green woman
in Baldur's Gate.
461
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,516
If you're laughing at that,
you're a virgin, and...
462
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,770
He comes home every single day
to just find me
463
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,064
crumpled up on the couch like...
464
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,775
[protracted whimpering]
465
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:07,539
[whimpering continues]
466
00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:11,084
[audience laughs]
467
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:12,252
Core. Core.
468
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:15,005
[whimpering resumes]
469
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:32,773
Aren't you gonna
a-a-ask me what's wrong?
470
00:20:32,856 --> 00:20:35,442
[laughter]
471
00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:41,406
[audience yells] What's wrong?
472
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:43,242
Nothing!
473
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,994
- [laughter]
- [whimpering resumes]
474
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:04,137
Aren't you gonna a-ask me
what's wr-wr-wrong?
475
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:06,139
[audience] What's wrong?
476
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:07,557
Nothing!
477
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,893
[whimpering resumes]
478
00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:14,982
I'm hiding! [chuckles]
479
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:17,901
[whimpering resumes]
480
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:22,948
A-A-Aren't you gonna push
the issue further?
481
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:25,367
[audience] What's wrong?
482
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:26,868
Fine, I'll tell you
483
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:30,122
since you twisted my arm
about it!
484
00:21:30,205 --> 00:21:34,126
[whimpers] I have to go
to the h-h-hospital.
485
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,128
[audience] Why?
486
00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:39,923
Because I have
a b-b-brain tumor.
487
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:41,466
[audience] Aww!
488
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:44,428
Because I misspoke earlier
489
00:21:44,553 --> 00:21:46,763
and I said "poi boyfriend"
490
00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:48,598
instead of "p-p-poor"
491
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:52,811
and now everyone's mad at me!
492
00:21:52,894 --> 00:21:57,232
[whimpers] I have to go
to the h-h-hospital.
493
00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:58,525
[audience] Why?
494
00:21:58,608 --> 00:22:02,863
Because I have to get my
le-le-legs amputated.
495
00:22:02,946 --> 00:22:04,406
[audience] Why?
496
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:06,783
Because I was shitting so hard
497
00:22:06,908 --> 00:22:08,702
in the green room,
498
00:22:08,785 --> 00:22:11,538
I sat on the t-t-toilet so long
499
00:22:11,621 --> 00:22:14,833
my legs fell asleep.
500
00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:18,003
[whimpers]
501
00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:21,506
I have to go to
the m-m-mental hospital.
502
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,050
[audience] Why?
503
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:25,218
Because I saw your phone
504
00:22:25,302 --> 00:22:30,098
and I saw you were texting
a girl younger than me.
505
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,184
[audience] Who?
506
00:22:32,267 --> 00:22:34,144
Me yesterday.
507
00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:37,939
[eerie music swells]
508
00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:42,110
[music stops]
509
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,196
That's what we call
a high-commitment,
510
00:22:44,279 --> 00:22:47,366
- low-payoff bit, so--
- [laughter and cheering]
511
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,246
I'm parched.
Can a big, strong man
512
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:54,956
help me open this water bottle?
513
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:58,502
[pitifully] Can a big strong man
help me open this water bottle?
514
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:00,170
[whimpers]
515
00:23:00,295 --> 00:23:02,798
Can you open this bottle
for me? I need a drink.
516
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:05,342
And you saw that, right?
He tried to roofie me? Okay.
517
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:07,469
[laughter]
518
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,101
By the way, this is what therapy
519
00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,228
three times a week looks like.
520
00:23:18,021 --> 00:23:19,523
Not working!
521
00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:22,067
Therapy is a fucking scam.
522
00:23:22,150 --> 00:23:24,486
I just sit across the room
from some fucking guy.
523
00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:27,280
Yeah, my therapist is a guy!
524
00:23:27,364 --> 00:23:31,952
A woman would fix this and then
there would be no show, okay?
525
00:23:32,869 --> 00:23:34,454
He writes down everything I say
526
00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:36,623
like he's obsessed with me,
527
00:23:36,706 --> 00:23:38,166
and at the end of
every session he's like,
528
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,584
"Your feelings are valid."
529
00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:43,672
I'm like, "No, they're not,
I'm fucking crazy!"
530
00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:47,217
[mic scraping, thudding]
531
00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:51,388
[crazed babbling]
532
00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:54,766
[mic scraping, thudding]
533
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:58,603
[crazed babbling, grunting]
534
00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:00,605
Oh my God, I'm sorry,
I just blacked out.
535
00:24:00,689 --> 00:24:03,650
- That was crazy. Sorry.
- [laughter]
536
00:24:03,733 --> 00:24:07,028
That was, um, my impression
of the guy at Panera
537
00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:08,530
who invented the Bread Bowl.
538
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:10,949
- [mic scraping]
- [loud snort]
539
00:24:12,617 --> 00:24:14,536
[crazed babbling]
540
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:18,123
"What if you could eat the bowl?
541
00:24:19,374 --> 00:24:23,420
And what if there was a lemonade
that can kill you!"
542
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,466
You guys are acting like you
lost someone to the lemonade.
543
00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:28,800
Are we cool?
544
00:24:30,051 --> 00:24:33,889
I'm sweating like a fucking
warthog up here. Jesus Christ.
545
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:36,683
Yeah, I know,
warthogs don't sweat.
546
00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:41,146
Found that out the hard way.
Thank you.
547
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:42,564
[chuckles]
548
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:45,734
I was doing a show in,
not to brag,
549
00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:48,153
Milwaukee, Wisconsin,
ever heard of it?
550
00:24:48,236 --> 00:24:50,530
And... [laughs]
...I said onstage,
551
00:24:50,614 --> 00:24:52,115
"I'm sweating
like a fucking warthog,"
552
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,409
and some fucking farmer
in the back stood up
553
00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:56,703
and was like, "Yeah, warthogs
don't sweat.
554
00:24:58,455 --> 00:25:01,666
They actually roll around
in the mud to keep cool."
555
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:04,669
I was like, fuck you, dude!
Warthogs don't sweat?
556
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,172
Don't fucking mansplain
that shit to me.
557
00:25:07,255 --> 00:25:09,508
Warthogs don't sweat?
You've never seen me walk by
558
00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:13,845
a barnyard in six-inch heels.
Like, "Hey, boys!" [moans]
559
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:18,808
"Want to join this petting zoo?"
[moans]
560
00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:23,647
I joined a fancy gym recently
and it's so humiliating
561
00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:26,441
sweating at the gym in front
of all these fancy people.
562
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:29,277
Like, you peel your ass
off the seat
563
00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:32,906
and it's always this like
unforgiving black pleather,
564
00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:37,035
and you can just see a giant
swamp ass and pussy puddle--
565
00:25:37,118 --> 00:25:39,371
Sorry. Swussy puddle so big.
566
00:25:39,454 --> 00:25:41,831
You ever try one of these things
where you try to like
567
00:25:41,957 --> 00:25:45,001
surreptitiously wipe down
the machine
568
00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:46,628
with the back of your shirt?
569
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:49,631
It's just a puddle so big,
you go to get one of those
570
00:25:49,714 --> 00:25:52,884
pathetic little hand towels
to wipe down the machine,
571
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,803
there's already a janitor
standing there
572
00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:57,556
with a shop vac
shaking his head like,
573
00:25:57,639 --> 00:25:59,474
"Don't even try, bitch."
574
00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:02,727
There's already a lifeguard
standing in front of it going,
575
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:05,355
"No running!" [laughs]
"No running!"
576
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:07,566
James Cameron is building
a submersible
577
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:09,025
to get to the bottom of it.
578
00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:10,986
All of a sudden you hear
"ding, ding, ding!"
579
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:13,697
'cause everyone in the gym
just got a flood alert warning
580
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:14,823
on their phone.
581
00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:19,869
And what is going on with this
crazy gym athleisure?
582
00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:22,330
What-- Ladies,
where did we go so wrong?
583
00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:24,124
Everybody showing up to the gym
584
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:26,042
in a little Alo bra. [moans]
585
00:26:26,167 --> 00:26:27,627
A little bike short. [moans]
586
00:26:27,711 --> 00:26:31,006
Like, I show up
to the gym correct,
587
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:32,257
do you understand?
588
00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:34,217
I show up like
I'm ready to play.
589
00:26:34,342 --> 00:26:36,344
I'm wearing a giant
triple-XL t-shirt
590
00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:40,265
that says "Rachel's
Rockin' Safari 2003" on it
591
00:26:40,348 --> 00:26:43,018
with wasabi stains
on each armpit,
592
00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:45,270
wearing a giant shirt,
looking like a kid
593
00:26:45,353 --> 00:26:47,314
who just threw up in the pool.
[grunts]
594
00:26:48,189 --> 00:26:50,108
And all the girlies at the gym
are wearing
595
00:26:50,191 --> 00:26:53,445
tiny little bike shorts with,
like, ruching on the crotch
596
00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:54,738
and the crack?
597
00:26:54,863 --> 00:26:57,324
Like, bitch, I have
a camel-toe in this.
598
00:26:57,407 --> 00:26:58,617
You know what I'm saying?
599
00:26:58,700 --> 00:26:59,951
And it's not a camel-toe,
600
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:01,870
it's a fucking Shrek paw.
601
00:27:01,953 --> 00:27:04,831
You know?
It's like a Donkey Kong fist.
602
00:27:04,914 --> 00:27:07,500
You know what I mean? It doesn't
matter what I'm wearing,
603
00:27:07,584 --> 00:27:10,295
my hole sucks my pants right up,
604
00:27:10,378 --> 00:27:15,592
like the alien from Nope sucking
Daniel Kaluuya into the sky.
605
00:27:15,717 --> 00:27:19,846
[vigorous sucking]
606
00:27:19,929 --> 00:27:24,643
[deep, echoing sucking]
607
00:27:28,563 --> 00:27:30,148
You guys didn't realize
you were seeing
608
00:27:30,231 --> 00:27:31,816
an Aphex Twin show tonight?
609
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:36,905
[sucking echoes]
610
00:27:40,408 --> 00:27:42,827
[echoing] Oh my God,
was anyone getting like
611
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:45,246
crazy ASMR vibes from that?
612
00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:49,918
[echoing moaning and sucking]
613
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:52,504
Your nipples are knifing through
your shirt right now.
614
00:27:52,587 --> 00:27:54,673
[echoing moaning and sucking]
615
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:59,010
[echoes] Thank you for tuning
into my gentle whispering
616
00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:01,096
ASMR channel. [laughs]
617
00:28:01,179 --> 00:28:05,308
[echoing chittering
and squealing]
618
00:28:05,433 --> 00:28:07,894
Today we're going to be
listening to
619
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:11,398
the gentle pitter-patter...
[chuckles]
620
00:28:11,481 --> 00:28:15,235
...of rain falling onto
the surface
621
00:28:15,318 --> 00:28:16,986
of the East River.
622
00:28:17,445 --> 00:28:20,990
[imitating echoing rainfall]
623
00:28:21,116 --> 00:28:24,536
[echoing moaning]
624
00:28:24,619 --> 00:28:27,372
[echoing] Oh, is that a body?
625
00:28:27,455 --> 00:28:29,374
[laughter]
626
00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:33,336
And today we're going
to be listening to
627
00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:35,964
the gentle pitter-patter
628
00:28:36,047 --> 00:28:38,800
of me trying to plunge
629
00:28:38,883 --> 00:28:44,305
my clogged hole after it sucked
up all my underwear
630
00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:48,017
and now all the underwear
is clogged in there.
631
00:28:48,143 --> 00:28:52,480
[rapid flapping echoes]
632
00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:58,903
[vocalizing and moaning echoes]
633
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:05,702
[slurping and moaning echoes]
634
00:29:06,161 --> 00:29:07,537
- [echoing stops]
- [chuckles]
635
00:29:07,662 --> 00:29:09,164
Who's so high
that they're having
636
00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:11,040
the worst night
of their life right now?
637
00:29:11,166 --> 00:29:13,168
[laughter]
638
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:16,838
Do you guys microdose?
Anyone in here microdose?
639
00:29:16,921 --> 00:29:17,964
[scattered cheers]
640
00:29:18,047 --> 00:29:19,591
Grow up. Get a job. Um...
641
00:29:19,674 --> 00:29:22,260
[cheering and laughter]
642
00:29:22,343 --> 00:29:24,053
Grow up, get a job, like me,
643
00:29:24,179 --> 00:29:25,847
professional poop clown!
644
00:29:25,930 --> 00:29:27,974
[laughter]
645
00:29:29,601 --> 00:29:32,520
All my friends microdose,
and, yeah, I have friends.
646
00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:36,357
I'm not in a conservatorship
like you guys think I am.
647
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:37,776
[laughs]
648
00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:39,360
All my friends microdose.
They're like,
649
00:29:39,444 --> 00:29:41,196
"Yeah,
I had little bit of weed."
650
00:29:41,279 --> 00:29:43,281
"Yeah, I had little bit of weed,
651
00:29:43,364 --> 00:29:45,867
ate a little bit of mushroom.
Yeah, yeah." [snickers]
652
00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:48,328
"Had a little bit of weed,
took a little bit of mushroom
653
00:29:48,411 --> 00:29:50,121
and I went to work. Whatever."
654
00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:52,415
"Had a little bit of weed,
took a little bit of mushroom,
655
00:29:52,540 --> 00:29:54,918
went to work,
and my mood improved."
656
00:29:55,543 --> 00:29:57,754
Of course your mood improved.
657
00:29:57,879 --> 00:30:02,050
You're high on drugs,
you stoned moron!
658
00:30:02,717 --> 00:30:06,179
And you're my kid's pediatrician
for God's sake!
659
00:30:08,056 --> 00:30:10,892
Obviously I don't have kids.
I like my life!
660
00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:13,895
- [chuckles]
- [cheering]
661
00:30:13,978 --> 00:30:17,649
You're clapping 'cause I don't
want the human race to continue?
662
00:30:18,399 --> 00:30:21,402
Who is the highest person
in the room? Show yourself now.
663
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:22,779
Who's the highest person
in the room?
664
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:24,364
- [man] Here!
- Yeah. [scoffs]
665
00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:26,991
The guy who bought like
nine of my posters.
666
00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:31,204
Highest person in the room,
give him a microphone now.
667
00:30:31,788 --> 00:30:33,206
[laughs]
668
00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:34,916
- Hi, what's your name?
- Raj.
669
00:30:34,999 --> 00:30:36,084
- Raj?
- Yeah.
670
00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:38,211
Um, and, Raj,
what are you high on?
671
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:40,547
- Edible drink.
- [scoffs]
672
00:30:40,630 --> 00:30:42,632
- [laughter]
- [Raj laughs]
673
00:30:43,675 --> 00:30:45,510
[huffs] It's an edible drink?
674
00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:48,847
It's a drink you can eat?
It's a drink you can chew on?
675
00:30:49,305 --> 00:30:50,807
You're telling me it's thick?
676
00:30:50,932 --> 00:30:53,810
It's as thick as the discharge
from my underwear?
677
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:57,397
Okay, Raj, so I'm gonna be
your trip shaman.
678
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,607
I'm gonna guide you
to new psychedelic levels
679
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,569
of understanding,
but I need everyone in the room
680
00:31:02,652 --> 00:31:06,906
to surround Raj with like
an embryonic pool of light
681
00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:08,616
and send energy to him by going,
682
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:10,910
"Raj..." Keep going.
683
00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:13,872
- [audience] "Raj..."
- Use your fingers. "Raj..."
684
00:31:13,955 --> 00:31:16,374
Keep going. "Raj..." Keep going.
685
00:31:16,457 --> 00:31:18,376
"Raj..." Keep going.
686
00:31:18,459 --> 00:31:19,961
"Raj..." [laughs]
687
00:31:20,044 --> 00:31:24,299
[Sarah and audience]
Raj... Raj... Raj...
688
00:31:24,382 --> 00:31:28,887
[in slowed, demonic voice]
Everyone in the room
689
00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:32,432
is staring at you
690
00:31:32,515 --> 00:31:35,143
right now!
691
00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:37,770
[demonic wail]
692
00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:39,188
Raj!
693
00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:44,485
You're acting really weird
694
00:31:44,569 --> 00:31:50,617
and everyone in your life
is mad at you!
695
00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:52,368
[demonic moan]
696
00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:53,620
Raj!
697
00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:56,164
Even though you're covering
your lap
698
00:31:56,247 --> 00:32:00,209
with nine posters
from my merch store,
699
00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:03,296
I can tell your fly is down
700
00:32:03,379 --> 00:32:06,549
and your thing is out!
701
00:32:06,674 --> 00:32:08,134
[demonic wail]
702
00:32:08,676 --> 00:32:14,057
Raj, I just got a text
from the mayor.
703
00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:19,020
He re-criminalized weed
five minutes ago,
704
00:32:19,103 --> 00:32:23,316
and everyone
in this room is a cop!
705
00:32:23,399 --> 00:32:26,527
[demonic roar]
706
00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:31,032
Raj, no one asked you
to volunteer,
707
00:32:31,115 --> 00:32:35,620
you just shot your hand
out of nowhere
708
00:32:35,703 --> 00:32:40,124
and kept saying,
"I'd love nothing more!"
709
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:42,627
[demonic roar]
710
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:44,587
[in normal voice]
Keep it going for Raj.
711
00:32:44,712 --> 00:32:47,131
[cheering]
712
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:50,009
Okay, give me that microphone
back. I'm done with you.
713
00:32:50,093 --> 00:32:52,762
Oh my God,
it's like soaking wet. Jesus.
714
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:54,681
[laughter]
715
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:56,349
[chuckles]
716
00:32:57,266 --> 00:32:58,935
I'm from here,
I'm from New York.
717
00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:00,895
Is anyone from New York
originally?
718
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:02,563
[cheering]
719
00:33:02,647 --> 00:33:05,191
Okay, is anyone from here
and then moved away
720
00:33:05,274 --> 00:33:06,734
for an extended period of time?
721
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:08,778
- [audience member whoops loudly]
- [chuckles]
722
00:33:08,903 --> 00:33:10,571
[screams]
723
00:33:12,573 --> 00:33:15,034
- Okay, uh, what's your name?
- Matt.
724
00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:16,452
You're Matt!
725
00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:18,663
It's not just Matt,
it's, "I'm fucking Matt, bitch.
726
00:33:18,746 --> 00:33:20,289
What do you fucking want?
Yeah, I'm Matt."
727
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:23,751
Okay, Matt, you're from
New York. Where did you move to?
728
00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:27,088
- [Matt] To Chicago.
- Chicago? Me too, girl!
729
00:33:27,171 --> 00:33:29,882
Okay, Matt, so when you
moved to Chicago
730
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:32,093
was like everyone
in your life like...
731
00:33:32,176 --> 00:33:34,345
[heavy New York accent]
What the fuck you doing, man?
732
00:33:34,429 --> 00:33:36,723
[mic scraping, thudding]
733
00:33:36,806 --> 00:33:40,393
You leaving New York
fuckin' City, man?
734
00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:43,438
You leaving New fuckin' York
fuckin' City, man?
735
00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:47,734
Come on! It's fuckin' New
fuckin' York fuckin' city, man.
736
00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:49,986
You leaving New York fuckin'--
New York City?
737
00:33:50,111 --> 00:33:52,530
Come on, you know what
I'm fucking talkin' about?
738
00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,866
You know what I'm talkin' about.
Pervert in the front.
739
00:33:54,949 --> 00:33:57,744
He knows what I'm talkin' about.
It's fuckin' New York.
740
00:33:57,827 --> 00:33:59,328
You know what I'm fuckin'
talking about. Come on.
741
00:33:59,454 --> 00:34:02,290
[rapidly] You know what
I'm fuckin' talkin' about.
742
00:34:02,373 --> 00:34:03,833
You guys are like,
"Is she glitching?
743
00:34:03,958 --> 00:34:06,002
Do we have to pull her
cartridge out and blow on it?"
744
00:34:06,127 --> 00:34:07,962
"You know what I'm fuckin'
talkin' about."
745
00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:09,797
Everybody in the back
who's too broke
746
00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:11,007
to afford front row seats?
747
00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:12,592
They know
what I'm talkin' about.
748
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:14,469
I do this for 14 more minutes.
749
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:16,054
You know what
I'm fuckin' talkin' about.
750
00:34:16,137 --> 00:34:17,889
You know what I'm fuckin'
talkin' about.
751
00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:19,474
You know what
I'm fuckin' talkin' about.
752
00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:23,102
You know what I'm fuckin'--
New York, best pizza.
753
00:34:23,186 --> 00:34:25,063
[laughter]
754
00:34:25,146 --> 00:34:27,231
- Best bagels.
- [audience cheers]
755
00:34:27,315 --> 00:34:28,775
Best water.
756
00:34:29,484 --> 00:34:32,862
Best public
transportation system.
757
00:34:32,987 --> 00:34:34,781
- [cheering]
- Best garbage.
758
00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:36,574
- [mic thuds]
- Best rats.
759
00:34:36,657 --> 00:34:38,868
Best little tiny cockroaches
running around.
760
00:34:38,993 --> 00:34:41,037
Best big cockroaches
running around.
761
00:34:41,162 --> 00:34:42,955
Best rats riding on top
of a cockroach
762
00:34:43,039 --> 00:34:45,625
like it's a little fucking horse
running around.
763
00:34:45,708 --> 00:34:48,336
Best inequal distribution
of wealth.
764
00:34:48,419 --> 00:34:51,297
Best seat of all the world's
financial evils.
765
00:34:51,380 --> 00:34:54,884
Best general sense
of crippling alienation.
766
00:34:55,009 --> 00:34:58,513
Best trust-fund kids
posturing as artists
767
00:34:58,596 --> 00:35:01,849
and ruining historically
Black neighborhoods
768
00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:03,810
with artisan kombucha shops.
769
00:35:04,602 --> 00:35:07,063
Best people
with zero personality
770
00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,774
supplanting their
shitty personality
771
00:35:09,857 --> 00:35:12,485
by co-opting a regional identity
772
00:35:12,568 --> 00:35:14,445
by saying things like,
"Come on, it's New York.
773
00:35:14,529 --> 00:35:16,239
You know what I'm fuckin'
talkin' about."
774
00:35:16,364 --> 00:35:20,118
- [chuckles]
- [audience cheering]
775
00:35:22,203 --> 00:35:24,539
I did that joke in front
of my Long Island dad
776
00:35:24,622 --> 00:35:28,042
and he was like, "Eyy! I don't
fuckin' sound like that!
777
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:30,002
You make me look like
a fuckin' idiot up there!
778
00:35:30,086 --> 00:35:32,505
I don't fuckin' sound like that!
I'm not an idiot.
779
00:35:32,588 --> 00:35:34,006
I'm not illiterate.
I'm not an idiot.
780
00:35:34,090 --> 00:35:36,384
I'm not illiterate.
I've read a book, okay?
781
00:35:37,051 --> 00:35:39,137
I've read the Keith Richards
autobiography front to back,
782
00:35:39,220 --> 00:35:40,304
cover to cover."
783
00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:43,266
If you're laughing at that
you're 40. [snickers]
784
00:35:43,891 --> 00:35:45,560
But New York dads are so macho.
785
00:35:45,643 --> 00:35:48,312
Like, one day we were
driving in the car.
786
00:35:48,396 --> 00:35:51,649
He was driving.
I can't! I'm a woman!
787
00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:55,987
What if I get my period
all over the road
788
00:35:56,070 --> 00:35:58,156
and the car hydroplanes?
789
00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,407
[laughter]
790
00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:01,868
You laughed too hard at that.
[chuckles]
791
00:36:01,951 --> 00:36:04,036
So I was driving
in the car with my dad
792
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:06,581
and the GPS was like,
"Turn right here."
793
00:36:06,664 --> 00:36:10,001
My dad's like, "Ayo!
What that GPS fuckin' bitch
794
00:36:10,084 --> 00:36:14,046
fuckin' say to me in front
of my fuckin' daughter?
795
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:16,632
Talkin' like that to me in front
of my fuckin' daughter?
796
00:36:16,757 --> 00:36:18,092
You kiss your mother
with that mouth?
797
00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:20,928
Talkin' like that to me in front
of my fuckin' daughter?"
798
00:36:21,637 --> 00:36:24,640
And he held my car down in
an alley and fucking punched it.
799
00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:27,185
So yeah, my dad's hot.
800
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:30,646
You don't wanna fuck
my dad? Really?
801
00:36:30,771 --> 00:36:32,940
Imagine me, no hair. Good night!
802
00:36:34,609 --> 00:36:38,321
Like I can't-- the dynamic
between like a New York dad
803
00:36:38,446 --> 00:36:41,949
and like a daughter, the dynamic
is like fucking insane.
804
00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:44,076
Like, he's so fucking macho.
805
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,038
He's so overprotective over me
still to this day.
806
00:36:47,121 --> 00:36:50,666
And even though I'm already
16 years old...
807
00:36:50,791 --> 00:36:53,586
[chuckles] ...he's still
overprotective with me.
808
00:36:53,669 --> 00:36:55,796
The one nice thing
I can get my dad
809
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:57,632
to say about my boyfriend,
who I've been dating
810
00:36:57,715 --> 00:36:59,842
for like a million
fucking years is,
811
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:01,469
"He's a...
812
00:37:03,012 --> 00:37:04,222
He's a...
813
00:37:04,847 --> 00:37:07,475
He's a good guy,
you know what I mean?
814
00:37:08,142 --> 00:37:09,769
He's a good guy,
you know what I mean?
815
00:37:09,852 --> 00:37:11,312
He's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
816
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:14,106
I mean, he's not fuckin'
Jewish, but, uh...
817
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:17,276
He's a good guy, you know?
818
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,195
He's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
819
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,530
I mean, he doesn't have
any fuckin' money,
820
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:24,450
but, uh, he's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
821
00:37:24,533 --> 00:37:27,328
He's a good guy. I mean,
he's shtuppin' daughter. Hey!
822
00:37:27,411 --> 00:37:29,455
He's shtuppin'
my fucking daughter?
823
00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:31,540
He's shtuppin'
my fucking daughter
824
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:34,001
who I held in my hands when
she was this fucking little big.
825
00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:36,671
My precious baby fuckin'
daughter who I held in my hands
826
00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:38,756
when she was this fucking
tiny little big.
827
00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:40,591
My fuckin' precious baby angel?
828
00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:43,302
He's raw-doggin' my precious
baby fuckin' angel?
829
00:37:43,386 --> 00:37:47,890
My little fuckin' lamb with
fleece as white as fuckin' snow?
830
00:37:48,015 --> 00:37:49,850
And everywhere
that sunlight went,
831
00:37:49,934 --> 00:37:51,727
my lamb was sure to fuckin' go?
832
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:54,605
He's sticking it in my daughter,
no bag, no condom,
833
00:37:54,689 --> 00:37:57,358
and he's giving her fuckin'
triple-digit orgasms
834
00:37:57,441 --> 00:38:01,153
and he's giving her pleasure
and he's making her happy?
835
00:38:01,237 --> 00:38:02,947
He makes her fuckin' happy?!
836
00:38:03,030 --> 00:38:06,867
He makes my precious baby
fuckin' angel happy?
837
00:38:07,535 --> 00:38:10,288
Well, then he's a good guy,
you know what I mean?"
838
00:38:10,371 --> 00:38:13,416
[applause and cheering]
839
00:38:14,792 --> 00:38:17,503
I'm parched. Can I have a sip
of what anyone's drinking?
840
00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:19,171
Does anyone have a drink?
What is that?
841
00:38:19,255 --> 00:38:20,506
[indistinct]
842
00:38:20,589 --> 00:38:21,841
- What is that?
- Beer.
843
00:38:21,924 --> 00:38:24,135
A beer? Can I have a sip?
844
00:38:24,218 --> 00:38:27,638
And you just offered a drink
to a minor! Gotcha, bitch!
845
00:38:28,889 --> 00:38:32,518
Abolish police, but you're going
to jail for grooming me.
846
00:38:35,062 --> 00:38:36,939
You guys don't care
that I'm on TV.
847
00:38:37,982 --> 00:38:40,401
You don't, you don't care
that I'm on TV. You don't.
848
00:38:40,484 --> 00:38:42,486
"Oh, we care that you're on TV
849
00:38:42,570 --> 00:38:45,906
for six seconds
every 14 months, Sarah."
850
00:38:47,575 --> 00:38:50,119
[chuckles] Being on TV sucks.
851
00:38:50,244 --> 00:38:52,330
Remember when TV was blurry?
852
00:38:52,413 --> 00:38:55,291
Would have been nice for me, okay?
853
00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:58,210
I found out that I had
a mustache
854
00:38:58,294 --> 00:39:01,339
'cause I saw it on live TV. Hi!
855
00:39:02,131 --> 00:39:03,591
I'm a hairy Jewish girl.
856
00:39:03,674 --> 00:39:06,469
Every hair on my body
is a fucking pube,
857
00:39:06,594 --> 00:39:07,845
you understand me?
858
00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:10,848
My arms look like Hagrid's legs.
859
00:39:10,931 --> 00:39:13,392
Zoom in on this.
Zoom in on this.
860
00:39:13,934 --> 00:39:17,772
Like, if you saw this shit raw--
You wish. My eyes are up here.
861
00:39:17,855 --> 00:39:19,482
If you saw this shit raw,
862
00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:21,025
you thought it would
teach you French
863
00:39:21,108 --> 00:39:23,486
'cause my bush looks like
Muzzy, you know what I mean?
864
00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:26,614
Like, it's a cable-knit bush,
you know what I'm saying?
865
00:39:26,697 --> 00:39:29,617
Like, you know how some dudes
shave their pubes
866
00:39:29,700 --> 00:39:31,369
to make their dick look bigger?
867
00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:34,830
I have to tug on my clit
to make my pubes look smaller,
868
00:39:34,955 --> 00:39:36,499
you know what I mean?
869
00:39:36,624 --> 00:39:38,584
It's like a-- it's like
a thicket of pubes,
870
00:39:38,667 --> 00:39:42,463
like, woven together like a
wicker goddamn basket, you know?
871
00:39:42,546 --> 00:39:44,215
Like a wicker basket so sturdy
872
00:39:44,298 --> 00:39:46,133
you could put it on the front
of a bicycle,
873
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:49,345
put E.T. in there and then bike
to the goddamn moon, okay?
874
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:51,305
And I don't have a happy trail,
875
00:39:51,389 --> 00:39:55,810
I have a six-lane
goddamn highway with--
876
00:39:55,893 --> 00:39:59,021
with wall-to-wall traffic
going up from my bush,
877
00:39:59,146 --> 00:40:01,899
around my belly button--
my eyes are up here--
878
00:40:01,982 --> 00:40:05,277
continues up my chest, goes
around each one of my nipples,
879
00:40:05,361 --> 00:40:07,029
like, nipple hair so long,
880
00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:10,199
I could tie my tits together
to get amazing cleavage, okay?
881
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:13,953
My eyes are up here.
Goes up my neck, over my lip,
882
00:40:14,036 --> 00:40:16,163
I have like a neck-beard
and mustache,
883
00:40:16,288 --> 00:40:18,749
like I watch Rick and Morty
or whatever,
884
00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,793
goes up each
one of my sideburns,
885
00:40:20,876 --> 00:40:24,505
goes from my head,
across to my eyebrows,
886
00:40:24,588 --> 00:40:26,590
my eyebrows shake hands
in the middle,
887
00:40:26,674 --> 00:40:29,385
like they're causing
a two-state solution
888
00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:31,345
in the middle of my
fucking forehead, okay?
889
00:40:31,429 --> 00:40:35,015
Goes down my mullet,
down my rat tail,
890
00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:38,227
down my back,
and around my anus, okay?
891
00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:41,147
I have so many ingrowns
around my asshole,
892
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:43,983
I need a seam-ripper
to get them out, okay?
893
00:40:44,066 --> 00:40:45,568
I don't have a happy trail,
894
00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:48,863
I have like a Möbius strip
of pubes.
895
00:40:48,946 --> 00:40:52,324
It keeps-- It's like a pube
eating its own pube of pubes.
896
00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:54,910
No, and I can't believe
that I can't get onstage
897
00:40:55,035 --> 00:40:56,829
for one fucking second.
898
00:40:56,912 --> 00:40:58,622
No, it actually makes me sick.
Look at me.
899
00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:02,084
I literally have chills.
I literally have goose bumps.
900
00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:03,669
[chuckles]
901
00:41:03,752 --> 00:41:05,504
I can't believe
that I can't get onstage
902
00:41:05,588 --> 00:41:07,047
for one fucking second.
903
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:09,508
Seriously, I can't get onstage
for one fucking second
904
00:41:09,592 --> 00:41:12,219
in RFK Jr.'s America in 2025.
905
00:41:12,303 --> 00:41:15,055
I can't get onstage
as a proud 16-year-old
906
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:17,391
Jewish woman
for one fucking second?
907
00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:19,268
I can't get onstage
for one fucking second
908
00:41:19,393 --> 00:41:21,437
and touch my nipple like that
for one fucking second?
909
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:23,063
No, seriously,
I can't get onstage
910
00:41:23,147 --> 00:41:26,525
as a proud 14-year-old
Jewish woman
911
00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:27,985
in JD Vance's America
912
00:41:28,068 --> 00:41:29,778
and touch my butthole
for one fucking second?
913
00:41:29,904 --> 00:41:32,156
Seriously, I can't touch my
nipple for one fucking second?
914
00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:34,492
I can't touch my butthole
for one fucking second?
915
00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:36,827
I can't touch my butthole
like this, my nipple like this?
916
00:41:36,911 --> 00:41:39,163
I can't touch my nipple like
this, my butthole like this?
917
00:41:39,246 --> 00:41:41,290
I can't touch my nipple like
this, my butthole like this?
918
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:44,835
I can't put one phallic item
near my mouth? [grunts]
919
00:41:44,919 --> 00:41:47,796
I can't put two phallic items
near my--? [grunts]
920
00:41:47,922 --> 00:41:50,090
For one fucking second without
a guy in the front row going...
921
00:41:50,174 --> 00:41:52,343
[trilling rapidly]
922
00:41:52,426 --> 00:41:54,053
- Awooga!
- [horn honks]
923
00:41:54,136 --> 00:41:56,764
Hummina-hummina-hummina!
Hummina-hummina-hummina!
924
00:41:56,847 --> 00:41:59,767
Hubba-hubba, toil and trubba!
925
00:41:59,850 --> 00:42:02,478
Fire burn and cauldron bubba!
926
00:42:02,603 --> 00:42:05,648
Swing, batta-batta-batta!
Swing, batta-batta-batta!
927
00:42:05,773 --> 00:42:09,068
[moans] The Yankees win!
928
00:42:09,151 --> 00:42:11,862
The Yankees win
the World fucking Series!
929
00:42:11,946 --> 00:42:14,073
I'm jerking off!
I'm jerking off!
930
00:42:14,156 --> 00:42:16,951
I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come!
[raspy moaning]
931
00:42:17,076 --> 00:42:20,287
Va fangool! Your mother!
[high-pitched moans]
932
00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:22,414
I'm jerking off! I'm gonna come!
933
00:42:22,498 --> 00:42:24,291
Really? I can't get one
fucking word out?
934
00:42:24,375 --> 00:42:27,836
[laughter and cheering]
935
00:42:27,962 --> 00:42:29,463
[Sarah] It's fucking disgusting.
936
00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:35,761
So, um, every time I do that,
937
00:42:35,844 --> 00:42:38,305
I'm like, great,
so I broke my throat.
938
00:42:38,389 --> 00:42:40,224
That's awesome.
I broke my throat.
939
00:42:40,307 --> 00:42:41,559
You don't care about
the commitment
940
00:42:41,642 --> 00:42:44,061
I'm willing to show you.
Um... [chuckles]
941
00:42:44,144 --> 00:42:46,230
So I went to an ENT
942
00:42:46,313 --> 00:42:49,733
to get a look at my vocal cords
to see if anything bad happened,
943
00:42:49,817 --> 00:42:52,152
and look at the footage I got!
944
00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:55,072
- [audience reacts, cheers]
- Yep.
945
00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:57,408
She shoved a camera
down my throat
946
00:42:57,491 --> 00:42:58,909
to look at my vocal cords.
947
00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:01,620
So those are my--
those are my tiny-- [moans]
948
00:43:01,704 --> 00:43:03,455
[laughter]
949
00:43:03,539 --> 00:43:05,124
Those are my tiny-- [moans]
950
00:43:05,207 --> 00:43:07,626
Those are my tiny
little vocal cords.
951
00:43:07,710 --> 00:43:08,711
[mic thuds]
952
00:43:08,836 --> 00:43:10,379
And like basically,
953
00:43:10,504 --> 00:43:13,132
sound is produced
from your vocal cords
954
00:43:13,215 --> 00:43:16,218
from, like, slamming against
each other really hard.
955
00:43:16,343 --> 00:43:18,178
But like if you're
someone like me,
956
00:43:18,262 --> 00:43:20,097
who's born with a tiny little
957
00:43:20,180 --> 00:43:24,184
female-assigned
throat hole at birth... [moans]
958
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:26,604
...it takes more force
and exertion
959
00:43:26,687 --> 00:43:29,315
for your cords to slam
against each other
960
00:43:29,398 --> 00:43:31,817
to produce a big and loud sound
961
00:43:31,900 --> 00:43:34,737
as big as someone
with a giant, gaping,
962
00:43:34,862 --> 00:43:36,614
male-assigned
throat hole at birth.
963
00:43:36,697 --> 00:43:38,949
So, ladies!
964
00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:41,744
You know what that means!
965
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:43,495
La-la-la-ladies!
966
00:43:43,579 --> 00:43:46,832
You know what
th-th-th-that means!
967
00:43:46,915 --> 00:43:48,542
[audience cheering]
968
00:43:48,626 --> 00:43:50,169
God wants women
969
00:43:50,252 --> 00:43:52,546
to be quiet!
970
00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:54,882
And I can't be quiet.
971
00:43:54,965 --> 00:43:56,133
I need to be heard.
972
00:43:56,216 --> 00:43:58,302
I have important things
to say, like...
973
00:43:58,385 --> 00:44:01,764
[in demonic voice]
Do these clown pants
974
00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:04,099
make me look fat?
975
00:44:04,224 --> 00:44:07,227
[demonic wail]
976
00:44:07,311 --> 00:44:10,481
Can a big, strong man
977
00:44:10,564 --> 00:44:16,445
help me put my air conditioning
unit in my window?
978
00:44:16,570 --> 00:44:20,240
My arms hurt from Pilates!
979
00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:22,660
[demonic roar]
980
00:44:25,412 --> 00:44:27,081
[in normal voice] What are you--
981
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:28,874
You guys are like, "Thank God."
982
00:44:31,293 --> 00:44:33,462
What are you guys doing
this summer? Anything fun?
983
00:44:33,587 --> 00:44:35,255
- [woman] Beach.
- You go to the beach?
984
00:44:35,339 --> 00:44:36,382
You go to the beach?
985
00:44:36,465 --> 00:44:38,300
You're a sicko.
You understand that?
986
00:44:38,425 --> 00:44:40,469
You're a sick fucking fuckface.
987
00:44:40,594 --> 00:44:43,180
You go hang out with your
friends at the fucking beach?
988
00:44:43,263 --> 00:44:44,932
You all just look at each other
989
00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:48,435
while you're half-naked and
all the lights are on? Really?
990
00:44:49,144 --> 00:44:51,939
The sun being out? God's lights?
991
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:55,234
[laughs] I hate going
to the fucking beach, okay?
992
00:44:55,317 --> 00:44:57,027
I don't want my shit
hanging out, okay?
993
00:44:57,111 --> 00:45:00,280
I want a bathing suit
that's like clothes, you know?
994
00:45:00,364 --> 00:45:03,826
I want a bathing suit that's
like a full fumigation tent.
995
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:06,954
I want to be like Laura Palmer
wrapped in plastic
996
00:45:07,079 --> 00:45:09,081
floating down the fucking river.
997
00:45:09,164 --> 00:45:12,167
And every bathing suit that
everyone makes these days
998
00:45:12,292 --> 00:45:15,295
is like this fucking big.
It's this tiny little big.
999
00:45:15,379 --> 00:45:17,840
You know what I mean?
It's like a goldfish
1000
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:20,551
strung up on angel hair pasta,
you know what I mean?
1001
00:45:20,634 --> 00:45:24,722
It's like a little Ritz cracker
strung up on dental floss.
1002
00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:26,765
You think my hockey puck
of a clit
1003
00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:29,810
can hide behind a tiny little
Band-Aid-sized bathing suit
1004
00:45:29,935 --> 00:45:32,646
when I look like this
fully naked?
1005
00:45:32,730 --> 00:45:34,481
Look at the screen!
1006
00:45:34,565 --> 00:45:36,108
Look at it!
1007
00:45:36,191 --> 00:45:38,694
[scattered cheering]
1008
00:45:38,819 --> 00:45:41,822
What beach could I go to
looking like this?
1009
00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:47,077
What fucking beach could I go to
with these, like, tentacles
1010
00:45:47,161 --> 00:45:48,662
knocking around?
1011
00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:51,415
What bathing suit could
control all of this,
1012
00:45:51,498 --> 00:45:52,958
you know what I mean?
1013
00:45:53,041 --> 00:45:54,668
Oh, you think that's disgusting?
Really?
1014
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:56,962
Have you seen what Republican
lawmakers are doing
1015
00:45:57,045 --> 00:45:58,672
to women's bodies
in this country?
1016
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,632
'Cause that's pretty fucking
disgusting.
1017
00:46:00,716 --> 00:46:03,510
What bathing suit could
contain all this?
1018
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,512
Look at the screen.
1019
00:46:05,596 --> 00:46:09,057
Look at the screen, sir.
1020
00:46:09,183 --> 00:46:12,394
If I was a stripper, I'd send
people's heads through my legs
1021
00:46:12,519 --> 00:46:13,771
and call it a car wash
1022
00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:15,522
'cause they would
just get hit with flaps
1023
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:17,191
and like sprayed with foam.
1024
00:46:17,274 --> 00:46:18,859
I can't go to the beach.
1025
00:46:18,942 --> 00:46:22,446
What bathing suit would cover
my cow-udder nipples?
1026
00:46:22,529 --> 00:46:23,864
I can't go to the beach.
1027
00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:28,368
My lips are so long
and distended and disgusting,
1028
00:46:28,452 --> 00:46:30,496
they knock around
between my knees
1029
00:46:30,579 --> 00:46:33,916
like the pendulum on
a grandfather clock, you know?
1030
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:37,377
They're long and, like,
distended and disgusting,
1031
00:46:37,461 --> 00:46:41,340
like the jowls of an old
English mastiff
1032
00:46:41,924 --> 00:46:45,135
and just as slobbery too,
you know what I mean?
1033
00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:49,932
They're like fully just red and
infected like a turkey's wattle.
1034
00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:53,936
I've got a full open-faced
Reuben between my legs,
1035
00:46:54,061 --> 00:46:56,146
dribbling in Thousand Island
dressing.
1036
00:46:56,230 --> 00:47:00,234
Like, my vibrator is
a pickle spear and a napkin.
1037
00:47:00,317 --> 00:47:02,694
I have so much old meat
in my underwear,
1038
00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:04,905
I gotta keep a silica packet
in there
1039
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:06,365
to keep it from going bad.
1040
00:47:06,448 --> 00:47:07,950
Like, I can't go to the beach.
1041
00:47:08,075 --> 00:47:10,077
My lips are so long,
1042
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:13,580
in order to get my lips into
a tiny little bathing suit,
1043
00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:15,457
I have to roll each lip up,
1044
00:47:15,582 --> 00:47:18,585
Like a Meat Fruit Roll-Up,
or a Meat by the Foot,
1045
00:47:18,669 --> 00:47:21,505
and, like, pack it into
my tiny little bathing suit,
1046
00:47:21,588 --> 00:47:23,465
stick a space-saver tube
in there,
1047
00:47:23,590 --> 00:47:27,511
suck all the air out
and like shrink-wrap my pussy
1048
00:47:27,594 --> 00:47:29,972
like I'm folding up a chunky
Christmas sweater
1049
00:47:30,097 --> 00:47:32,808
and putting it in an attic
for next Christmas.
1050
00:47:32,933 --> 00:47:36,186
I can't go to the beach.
My hole is so big,
1051
00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:39,606
if I sit on a pile of sand,
it'll create a sand castle,
1052
00:47:39,690 --> 00:47:41,066
you know what I mean?
1053
00:47:41,149 --> 00:47:44,444
My vaginal canal is so distorted
and misshapen,
1054
00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:48,115
the architecture of the sand
castle would be Gaudí-esque.
1055
00:47:48,198 --> 00:47:49,408
[laughter]
1056
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:51,076
[chuckles] No, I get it.
1057
00:47:51,159 --> 00:47:52,828
You guys don't like gross stuff.
1058
00:47:53,495 --> 00:47:56,039
- I get it.
- [cheering]
1059
00:47:57,791 --> 00:47:59,293
I get it. I get it.
1060
00:47:59,376 --> 00:48:01,795
You guys don't like
the gross stuff. I get--
1061
00:48:01,879 --> 00:48:03,589
You know,
we're running out of time.
1062
00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:06,008
I know you guys have like
big things to do or whatever,
1063
00:48:06,133 --> 00:48:07,759
and I was gonna show you guys--
1064
00:48:07,843 --> 00:48:09,136
I was gonna do a whole game
1065
00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:11,221
where I was gonna show
some blood splatter,
1066
00:48:11,305 --> 00:48:13,098
and you would have
to guess where
1067
00:48:13,181 --> 00:48:14,808
the blood splatter is from.
But I get it.
1068
00:48:14,892 --> 00:48:16,727
You guys don't have time.
You don't wanna do it.
1069
00:48:16,810 --> 00:48:18,645
- I know you don't. You don't.
- [cheering]
1070
00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:21,899
We don't have time!
Guys, we don't. We don't!
1071
00:48:21,982 --> 00:48:24,526
I was gonna show you
blood splatter
1072
00:48:24,651 --> 00:48:25,944
and I was going to say like,
1073
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:28,071
"Where is this blood
splatter from?
1074
00:48:28,155 --> 00:48:29,740
From a paper cut,
1075
00:48:29,823 --> 00:48:31,450
a vaccine jab, or a hangnail?"
1076
00:48:31,533 --> 00:48:32,993
What do you guys
think it's from?
1077
00:48:33,076 --> 00:48:35,704
Obviously we don't have time.
It's from a hangnail.
1078
00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:38,165
- But no. Oh no!
- [audience reacts]
1079
00:48:38,248 --> 00:48:40,167
Look at the screen.
Look at the screen.
1080
00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:42,961
I know. You guys paid $40
for tickets
1081
00:48:43,045 --> 00:48:46,965
and I'm giving you the
Criterion Collection for free.
1082
00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:48,759
"Oh no. Don't show--" I get it.
1083
00:48:48,842 --> 00:48:50,969
You guys don't have time to look
at something like that.
1084
00:48:51,053 --> 00:48:52,971
You have no--
You have things to do.
1085
00:48:53,055 --> 00:48:55,307
You don't wanna--
"I don't want to see all that."
1086
00:48:55,390 --> 00:48:57,184
I get it. You guys
don't want to do that.
1087
00:48:57,267 --> 00:48:59,561
I was going to show you blood,
say, "Where is this from?
1088
00:48:59,686 --> 00:49:02,397
Getting veneers
or flossing for one minute
1089
00:49:02,522 --> 00:49:04,149
for the first time
in six years?"
1090
00:49:04,232 --> 00:49:05,943
Where do you guys think
it's from?
1091
00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:08,070
Obviously flossing.
But no. I get it.
1092
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:09,988
We don't have time
to go through all this.
1093
00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:13,450
I was gonna say, I have
so many pubes going down--
1094
00:49:13,533 --> 00:49:14,785
Look at the screen.
1095
00:49:14,868 --> 00:49:17,079
I have so many pubes
that going down on me
1096
00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:18,997
is like getting a good floss.
1097
00:49:19,081 --> 00:49:22,042
Four out of five dentists agree.
They've all gone down on me.
1098
00:49:22,125 --> 00:49:23,752
But you guys don't-- I get it.
1099
00:49:23,877 --> 00:49:25,712
You don't wanna see this.
You don't wanna see--
1100
00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:27,255
Oh, what kind of blood is this?
1101
00:49:27,381 --> 00:49:29,925
Is it period blood or blood
from a period piece
1102
00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:32,803
when a little pioneer girl
coughs into a handkerchief
1103
00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:35,263
and... [coughs] "Papa?"
...blood comes out?
1104
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:37,891
You guys don't wanna see that.
A five, six, seven, eight.
1105
00:49:37,975 --> 00:49:39,726
It's obviously from
period blood.
1106
00:49:39,810 --> 00:49:41,645
But no, I get it.
1107
00:49:41,728 --> 00:49:43,063
You guys have to go home.
1108
00:49:43,188 --> 00:49:45,440
Is there a doctor in the room?
1109
00:49:45,565 --> 00:49:47,025
Is there a doctor in the room?
1110
00:49:47,567 --> 00:49:49,152
Doctor, is this normal?
1111
00:49:49,236 --> 00:49:50,779
Okay. No, I get it.
1112
00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:52,614
You guys don't
want to see all that.
1113
00:49:53,198 --> 00:49:55,242
- [audience shrieks, laughs]
- [laughs]
1114
00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:58,620
No, I get it.
We'll end the show.
1115
00:49:58,745 --> 00:50:01,123
You don't care.
You don't care about this.
1116
00:50:01,248 --> 00:50:03,750
You don't care about
the avant-garde.
1117
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:05,293
I was gonna say,
"Where's this from?
1118
00:50:05,419 --> 00:50:07,087
Hemorrhoid blood
or bloody stool?"
1119
00:50:07,170 --> 00:50:10,007
Obviously it's from--
five, six, seven, eight,
1120
00:50:10,090 --> 00:50:12,134
one, two, three, four...
1121
00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:15,178
- Bloody stool, so...
- [laughter]
1122
00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:18,390
I can't wipe regular.
You understand?
1123
00:50:18,473 --> 00:50:19,850
If I wipe regular,
1124
00:50:19,933 --> 00:50:23,729
it looks like a Rothko painting,
"Movement in Red."
1125
00:50:23,812 --> 00:50:26,064
Like, I can't even use
one of those tushy bidets.
1126
00:50:26,148 --> 00:50:28,775
I need a fuckin' fire hose.
Okay?
1127
00:50:28,859 --> 00:50:31,820
I have to go whitewater rafting
asshole-first.
1128
00:50:31,945 --> 00:50:33,780
But I get it. I get it.
1129
00:50:33,864 --> 00:50:35,365
I was going to say,
"Where is this from?
1130
00:50:35,449 --> 00:50:36,992
Hemorrhoid blood
or bloody stool?"
1131
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:38,785
It's obviously hemorrhoid blood
1132
00:50:38,910 --> 00:50:41,455
'cause now the show
has come full circle.
1133
00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:43,874
We started with hemorrhoids,
we're ending with hemorrhoids.
1134
00:50:43,957 --> 00:50:46,168
But I get it.
You guys don't have hemorrhoids.
1135
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,086
You have perfect holes.
1136
00:50:48,170 --> 00:50:49,921
You have perfect holes.
1137
00:50:50,005 --> 00:50:52,716
Your holes are
a perfectly smooth circle.
1138
00:50:52,799 --> 00:50:54,634
I could just stick
a finger in there
1139
00:50:54,718 --> 00:50:57,387
and send you guys down
a bowling alley lane
1140
00:50:57,471 --> 00:51:00,015
to knock over a couple of pins.
I get it.
1141
00:51:00,557 --> 00:51:01,600
Oh, this old thing?
1142
00:51:04,394 --> 00:51:06,730
Did you guys have
a fun time tonight?
1143
00:51:06,813 --> 00:51:10,275
[cheering]
1144
00:51:11,401 --> 00:51:13,528
You guys have been such
an amazing audience.
1145
00:51:13,653 --> 00:51:14,863
Keep it going for yourself.
1146
00:51:15,655 --> 00:51:18,867
We've seen a lot of things
we can't unsee.
1147
00:51:18,992 --> 00:51:22,537
I said a lot
of things I can't unsay.
1148
00:51:22,662 --> 00:51:26,541
[echoing] Which is why I wanted
to end tonight's show
1149
00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:31,213
with a little guided meditation.
1150
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:33,632
- [peaceful new age music plays]
- [chuckles]
1151
00:51:33,715 --> 00:51:38,762
'Cause I wanted to provide
you guys with a bit of aftercare
1152
00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:44,142
'cause you guys seemed
really stressed out all night.
1153
00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:46,853
And I want to make sure
you all feel
1154
00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:50,857
deeply calm, deeply...
1155
00:51:50,941 --> 00:51:55,529
[in falsetto] ♪ Relaxed ♪
1156
00:51:56,530 --> 00:52:01,159
[echoing] Everybody,
close your eyes.
1157
00:52:02,536 --> 00:52:05,914
Awesome.
I see every eye fully open.
1158
00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:07,040
[laughter]
1159
00:52:07,124 --> 00:52:11,336
How about we get
those eyes fully closed.
1160
00:52:12,295 --> 00:52:14,548
Relax your body
1161
00:52:14,631 --> 00:52:19,344
by releasing any areas
of tension.
1162
00:52:19,427 --> 00:52:21,638
Allow your arms to go limp.
1163
00:52:21,721 --> 00:52:22,931
Oh!
1164
00:52:23,056 --> 00:52:24,558
And then your legs.
1165
00:52:24,641 --> 00:52:26,184
Ooh!
1166
00:52:26,268 --> 00:52:27,894
Now just...
1167
00:52:28,019 --> 00:52:32,065
[in falsetto] ♪ Relax ♪
1168
00:52:32,941 --> 00:52:36,862
Breathe deeply, inhale.
1169
00:52:36,945 --> 00:52:38,864
[distorted inhale]
1170
00:52:38,947 --> 00:52:43,952
Allow your lungs to fill
with fresh air
1171
00:52:44,077 --> 00:52:46,872
and comedy club mouth-breath.
1172
00:52:46,955 --> 00:52:48,748
[distorted inhale]
1173
00:52:48,832 --> 00:52:50,709
And exhale.
1174
00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:52,502
[distorted exhale]
1175
00:52:52,586 --> 00:52:55,422
Releasing all that COVID.
1176
00:52:55,505 --> 00:52:57,507
[distorted exhale]
1177
00:52:57,591 --> 00:52:59,718
Inhale. [distorted inhale]
1178
00:52:59,801 --> 00:53:01,970
Exhale. [distorted exhale]
1179
00:53:02,095 --> 00:53:04,598
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1180
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:07,809
[in falsetto] ♪ Relaxed ♪
1181
00:53:08,643 --> 00:53:11,771
Imagine you are on a beach,
1182
00:53:12,814 --> 00:53:15,025
- The East River beach.
- [seagulls squawking]
1183
00:53:15,108 --> 00:53:16,943
Isn't that nice?
1184
00:53:17,652 --> 00:53:21,406
You hear the waves
crashing on the shore.
1185
00:53:21,489 --> 00:53:23,283
[Sarah imitates waves crashing]
1186
00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:27,245
You smell the ocean spray.
1187
00:53:27,329 --> 00:53:33,168
The air smells moist
and it smells brown.
1188
00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:34,711
[chuckles]
1189
00:53:34,794 --> 00:53:40,884
You hear a pleasant breeze
blowing through the palm trees.
1190
00:53:40,967 --> 00:53:43,428
Inhale. [distorted inhale]
1191
00:53:43,511 --> 00:53:45,847
Exhale. [distorted exhale]
1192
00:53:45,972 --> 00:53:48,975
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1193
00:53:49,059 --> 00:53:52,979
[in falsetto] ♪ Relaxed ♪
1194
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:54,773
Off in the distance,
1195
00:53:54,856 --> 00:53:58,318
you see a figure approaching,
1196
00:53:58,401 --> 00:54:02,155
wading through the water. Mmm!
1197
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:05,617
His broad shoulders
are in silhouette
1198
00:54:05,700 --> 00:54:09,037
underneath the gaze
of the bright sun.
1199
00:54:09,829 --> 00:54:11,164
The closer he gets,
1200
00:54:11,248 --> 00:54:14,626
the more clear
his features become.
1201
00:54:14,709 --> 00:54:16,378
Ooh!
1202
00:54:16,503 --> 00:54:20,674
His sinuous muscles
stretched taut
1203
00:54:20,757 --> 00:54:23,843
beneath glistening bronzed skin.
1204
00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:25,262
Ooh!
1205
00:54:25,345 --> 00:54:27,222
Inhale. [distorted inhale]
1206
00:54:27,347 --> 00:54:29,266
Exhale. [distorted exhale]
1207
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:31,559
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1208
00:54:31,685 --> 00:54:34,187
[in falsetto] ♪ Relaxed ♪
1209
00:54:34,771 --> 00:54:39,776
You see the man
reach down into the water
1210
00:54:39,859 --> 00:54:42,195
to retrieve something.
1211
00:54:42,862 --> 00:54:45,073
What is it?
1212
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:48,952
He pulls an enormous
chonch shell
1213
00:54:49,035 --> 00:54:51,329
from the ocean floor.
1214
00:54:51,413 --> 00:54:54,749
Chonch shell. Chonch shell?
Chonch shell.
1215
00:54:54,874 --> 00:54:58,211
Chonk shell? Conch shell?
Conk shell.
1216
00:54:58,295 --> 00:55:01,506
Conk shell? Conch shell?
Chonch shell. Chonch shell.
1217
00:55:01,589 --> 00:55:03,383
Conk shell? Conk shell.
1218
00:55:03,466 --> 00:55:05,552
Conk shell. Conk shell.
Chonk shell.
1219
00:55:05,635 --> 00:55:07,304
Conch shell?
1220
00:55:07,387 --> 00:55:10,557
He pulls an enormous
Coachella shell
1221
00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:13,143
from the ocean floor.
1222
00:55:13,226 --> 00:55:17,522
Its gaping, almond-shaped
maw is rimmed
1223
00:55:17,605 --> 00:55:20,900
with a fleshy pink hue.
1224
00:55:20,984 --> 00:55:25,822
Salt water dribbles from the
corner of the tchotchke's mouth
1225
00:55:25,905 --> 00:55:27,824
as the man's rugged hands
1226
00:55:27,907 --> 00:55:30,368
bring it into the sunlight.
1227
00:55:30,452 --> 00:55:31,995
Inhale. [distorted inhale]
1228
00:55:32,078 --> 00:55:34,122
Exhale. [distorted exhale]
1229
00:55:34,247 --> 00:55:36,624
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1230
00:55:36,750 --> 00:55:39,377
[in falsetto] ♪ Relaxed ♪
1231
00:55:39,919 --> 00:55:43,214
You see the man slide
1232
00:55:43,298 --> 00:55:47,969
his turgid, throbbing,
tree-trunk...
1233
00:55:48,094 --> 00:55:50,055
[distorted] ...penis...
1234
00:55:50,138 --> 00:55:52,307
[normal voice]
...into the mouth of...
1235
00:55:52,432 --> 00:55:53,725
[distorted] ...the shell.
1236
00:55:53,808 --> 00:55:56,186
[normal] The deeper his...
[distorted] ...shaft...
1237
00:55:56,269 --> 00:55:58,563
[normal] ...plunges into...
[distorted] ...the shell...
1238
00:55:58,646 --> 00:56:02,859
[normal] ...the more salt water
gushes out from it.
1239
00:56:02,942 --> 00:56:04,611
Inhale. [distorted inhale]
1240
00:56:04,694 --> 00:56:06,613
Exhale. [distorted exhale]
1241
00:56:06,696 --> 00:56:09,324
You are deeply calm, deeply...
1242
00:56:09,449 --> 00:56:11,868
[in falsetto] ♪ Relaxed ♪
1243
00:56:11,951 --> 00:56:14,120
The man looks up at you,
1244
00:56:14,204 --> 00:56:17,082
you see now for the first time,
1245
00:56:17,165 --> 00:56:22,337
the man's piercing blue eyes
are familiar.
1246
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:24,964
It is your...
1247
00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:26,341
[distorted] ...dad!
1248
00:56:26,466 --> 00:56:29,677
[soundscape distorts]
1249
00:56:30,261 --> 00:56:33,223
[distorted] ♪ Relaxed ♪
1250
00:56:33,306 --> 00:56:36,768
[in normal voice]
Your dad stares intently at you
1251
00:56:36,851 --> 00:56:39,604
as he slides his shaft into
1252
00:56:39,687 --> 00:56:43,149
and out of the shell's wet...
[distorted]... hole.
1253
00:56:43,274 --> 00:56:46,111
[in falsetto] ♪ Just relax ♪
1254
00:56:46,194 --> 00:56:49,948
Allow the waves
to wash over you.
1255
00:56:50,031 --> 00:56:55,245
Allow the tide to pull your head
beneath the surface.
1256
00:56:55,328 --> 00:56:57,330
Inhale. [distorted inhale]
1257
00:56:57,414 --> 00:57:02,460
Allow your lungs to fill
completely with salt water.
1258
00:57:02,544 --> 00:57:05,088
[in falsetto] ♪ Just relax ♪
1259
00:57:05,171 --> 00:57:08,007
You are...
[distorted] ...drowning!
1260
00:57:08,091 --> 00:57:10,176
[in falsetto] ♪ Just relax ♪
1261
00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:12,178
So allow your...
[distorted] ...soul...
1262
00:57:12,303 --> 00:57:14,139
[normal] ...to leave your...
[distorted] ...body.
1263
00:57:14,222 --> 00:57:17,517
[in falsetto] ♪ Just relax ♪
1264
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:22,063
[echoing] Finally, you've
achieved the ultimate peace
1265
00:57:22,188 --> 00:57:25,316
in the great eternal cosmos
1266
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:27,652
of the afterlife!
1267
00:57:27,735 --> 00:57:30,280
You are deeply...
[distorted] ...calm.
1268
00:57:30,363 --> 00:57:32,574
[normal] Deeply...
[distorted] ...dead!
1269
00:57:32,699 --> 00:57:34,033
[normal] And deeply...
1270
00:57:34,117 --> 00:57:37,287
[in falsetto] ♪ Relaxed ♪
1271
00:57:37,370 --> 00:57:40,165
[music distorts]
1272
00:57:49,048 --> 00:57:51,426
[distorted falsetto singing]
1273
00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:55,638
[screeching voices]
1274
00:57:57,724 --> 00:57:59,517
[music distorts further]
1275
00:58:06,649 --> 00:58:12,906
[distorted voice speaking
in reverse]
1276
00:58:25,585 --> 00:58:28,671
[audience cheering]
1277
00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:31,799
[Sarah sings atonally]
1278
00:58:31,925 --> 00:58:33,593
[voice becomes distorted]
1279
00:58:33,676 --> 00:58:35,470
[atonal singing continues]
1280
00:58:35,595 --> 00:58:37,805
["Seinfeld" theme music plays]
1281
00:58:37,931 --> 00:58:40,308
[loud cheering]
1282
00:58:42,435 --> 00:58:44,062
Thank you guys
so much for coming.
1283
00:58:44,145 --> 00:58:45,522
I love you guys so much.
1284
00:58:46,648 --> 00:58:48,149
[laughs]
1285
00:58:50,109 --> 00:58:52,237
I've been Sarah. Good night.
1286
00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:55,281
- [deep rumbling]
- [music fades]
1287
00:58:55,365 --> 00:58:56,407
[splat]
1288
00:59:05,708 --> 00:59:07,544
[interviewer] What'd you guys
think of the show?
1289
00:59:07,627 --> 00:59:08,962
- It was awesome.
- Awesome.
1290
00:59:09,045 --> 00:59:10,713
I feel great.
I feel enlightened.
1291
00:59:10,797 --> 00:59:14,133
That is a bizarre person
with a disturbed mind.
1292
00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:18,429
[man 1] I've never seen
vocal cords look so wet.
1293
00:59:18,513 --> 00:59:20,848
- It was nuts.
- [woman 1] It was kind of scary.
1294
00:59:20,974 --> 00:59:22,267
But in a good way.
1295
00:59:22,350 --> 00:59:23,893
I'm more wet than
I thought I would be.
1296
00:59:23,977 --> 00:59:26,020
Oh, it makes you want to
fall in love, and, uh,
1297
00:59:26,145 --> 00:59:28,147
it's incredible, you know?
She's the best.
1298
00:59:28,231 --> 00:59:29,983
She's the greatest. I love her.
1299
00:59:30,066 --> 00:59:32,735
And it was everything
we wanted to see and more.
1300
00:59:32,819 --> 00:59:35,655
Sarah killed it.
The last time I saw the show,
1301
00:59:35,738 --> 00:59:36,906
my grandma came,
1302
00:59:36,990 --> 00:59:39,117
and she loved the labia part.
1303
00:59:39,200 --> 00:59:40,994
It was incredible.
I think in the future,
1304
00:59:41,077 --> 00:59:43,079
they're gonna talk about
the history
1305
00:59:43,162 --> 00:59:45,164
before the show and after.
1306
00:59:45,248 --> 00:59:48,334
And they're gonna determine
that it was this show
1307
00:59:48,418 --> 00:59:50,753
that drove humanity
over the edge,
1308
00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:52,380
right down into the toilet.
1309
00:59:52,505 --> 00:59:54,299
I loved it. I laughed, I cried.
1310
00:59:54,382 --> 00:59:56,634
I got my period in the middle
of the show.
1311
00:59:56,718 --> 00:59:58,886
[man 2] We're all gonna rock out
for Sarah tonight!
1312
00:59:59,012 --> 01:00:00,305
Whoo-hoo! Sarah Squirm!
1313
01:00:00,388 --> 01:00:02,181
I'll never forget it
as long as I live.
1314
01:00:02,265 --> 01:00:03,683
It was better than ice cream.
1315
01:00:03,766 --> 01:00:06,436
I would like to wear
a poncho next time.
1316
01:00:07,186 --> 01:00:08,229
I love Sarah.
1317
01:00:08,354 --> 01:00:10,273
She's really gross.
1318
01:00:10,356 --> 01:00:12,191
[man 3] She's fucking crazy.
1319
01:00:13,026 --> 01:00:14,319
[woman 2] It was wonderful.
1320
01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:17,196
She's funny.
She's funny! [giggles]
1321
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:19,407
It was such a cute night out.
1322
01:00:19,532 --> 01:00:22,368
[woman 3] She's really funny
and really fucking disgusting.
1323
01:00:22,452 --> 01:00:24,412
[man 5] Dude, it makes
me fucking sick.
1324
01:00:24,537 --> 01:00:25,788
It changed my life.
1325
01:00:25,872 --> 01:00:27,332
[woman 4] I love Sarah! [laughs]
1326
01:00:27,415 --> 01:00:29,751
[woman 5] I've never felt
this way in my life.