[upbeat music playing]
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Oh!
This is a comfort room.
What are you doing here?
They might think this is toilet humor.
Okay.
I’ll explain it to you even here, in the toilet.
I’m nervous because this is special.
Yes, we’re doing something special--
Excuse me.
Wait a minute. I’m talking here.
Okay. As I was saying,
this is special.
This is just between us.
We might sell it to Netflix.
And to why I’m so nervous, we’ve spent a lot of money already.
And it might not sell well.
It's nerve-wracking, right?
[sighs]
But seriously, this is just between us.
But wait. What are you doing here?
Oh yeah!
Hero shot for a good start.
Okay. Come on. Let’s go.
[upbeat music playing]
[music scratch]
[upbeat music playing]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen.
Please make some noise and give it up
for the one and only
Alex Calleja!
[upbeat music playing, crowd cheering]
Yeah!
Good evening, everyone! Give me a round of applause!
[crowd cheering, clapping]
Hello! Hello, level one.
Applause, level one!
[crowd cheering, clapping]
The ones who paid 1,700.
And level two, let me hear your applause.
[crowd cheering, clapping]
I like it, but not that much.
- [crowd cheering] - [crowd clapping]
How about level three?
[crowd cheering, clapping]
Did you avail the early bird?
[crowd cheering, clapping]
But let’s enjoy tonight and have some fun.
[crowd clapping]
The election is almost near.
Gossip is everywhere.
I’ve had enough of the gossip.
Like fake news,
and you’ll know that
your secret will spread out.
There’s this code.
Once you said, "This is just between us."
[crowd laughing]
Once you hear, "This is just between us."
It’s the code to spill the tea.
[crowd laughing]
No one has successfully kept it between them until they died.
What’s your secret?
"It’s between us only."
To the person you said, "It’s just between us,"
once it spreads, I thought it was just between us.
Yeah, I also said it to them.
I said, "It’s between us," too.
[crowd laughing]
It’s the first level of gossip.
And you’ll know if you’re behind it
and you’re on the second level
once the start of the story is like I said.
[crowd laughing]
Like those in a hurry... "Girl..."
[crowd laughing]
"Like I said..."
[crowd laughing]
You know when guys are gossiping,
or the men are talking, we’re very easy to read, right?
Once we are not laughing, it means we’re serious.
Once we laugh, it’s really funny.
We’ll know easily what it’s all about. It’s easy to guess.
Well, the girls... Gosh.
You’ll never see, you’ll never know
what they are talking about ‘cause they have
a rainbow of emotions.
When you see them crying, oh,
you’re not sure if they're really sad.
"What is the sad story you’re talking about?"
"These are tears of joy."
[crowd laughing]
"We’re so happy for our friend."
[crowd laughing]
The women are so hard to read.
Us, guys are easy to read.
Red is red for us.
We’re just primary colors.
Blue, yellow, red, that’s it.
For girls, there are a thousand shades of red.
When buying shoes... "I don’t like this red."
[crowd laughing]
"There’s no rococo red, burgundy red."
[crowd laughing]
It’s a lot, while it’s very simple.
Like... It’s so unfair.
Because there are things that two girls can do but guys can’t.
Promise. Two girls
can feed each other ice cream at the mall.
It's fun to watch, and it’s fine.
"Girl, try this strawberry ice cream.
It’s so yummy."
[crowd laughing]
Sir, what’s your name?
[crowd laughing]
James Sobia, can we feed each other ice cream?
"James, try this!"
"Do you want me to hit you?"
[crowd laughing]
Two girls can play "tag, you’re it" at the beach in a two-piece.
It’s nice to watch. "I’m almost there, Shirley. Come on."
[crowd laughing]
Well, James.
[crowd laughing]
"Let’s play.
You’re wearing trunks. I’m almost there."
"Hey, that’s my balls."
[crowd laughing]
You can shop at the mall.
The girls can wear underwear at the mall.
Trying on bras. "Hey, it suits you. It’s a perfect fit."
[crowd laughing]
[scoffs]
"Well, do you want to buy briefs with me?"
[crowd laughing]
- James. [laughs] - [crowd laughing]
- [Alex laughs] - [crowd laughing]
"That’s a nice brief."
"Your balls will feel good."
[crowd laughing]
It’s really unfair. Girls always win.
Since we were young, I had this playmate.
Her name's Lilibeth, and whenever she cries,
my mom will come.
"Why did Lilibeth cry? It’s your fault, Alex."
It’s a default that you’re at fault.
Even if I’m the one crying.
"I’m the one who cried, Ma..." "Oh, why are you crying?"
"Lilibeth..." "Because you’re very naughty, Alex."
When you see it at the mall, the girls are arguing, right?
And when the girls cry and you don’t know what happened.
And those around, he’s making the girl cry.
"That guy is really bad."
Even when the gals rob a guy, "This is a robbery."
When the robber cries, she looks pitiful.
It’s very unfair, even in...
Let’s admit it, even during sex.
The Lord is biased towards women.
When we guys are almost there...
When we are almost... It’s like
our face becomes uglier, like getting cramps.
[crowd laughing]
It’s like we’re having cramps.
It’s really unfair, right? When the girls are almost at their limit,
can you see their faces
looks like there's a spotlight?
Wind blowing. Butterflies all over.
Hair is longer.
A Disney voice.
[singing, crowd laughing]
While we become like Metallica.
[growling]
[crowd laughing]
[laughs]
What I hate about gossip...
Don’t meet your friends in samgyup.
Especially a problematic one, then you’re going for samgyup.
First of all, I have something against samgyup.
The reason why you eat out is because you don’t want to cook.
- [crowd laughing] - Then you realize...
[crowd laughing]
Oh, then some waiters are snobbish. "It's burning already."
[crowd laughing]
"Stupid."
[crowd laughing]
Samgyup...
At the start of samgyup, you’re still organized.
- Vegetables. - [crowd laughing]
Beef. Chicken, then...
It’s really divided. When it gets chaotic...
[crowd laughing]
You won’t know what it is. It’s all burnt.
You’ll learn to eat that which is cooked, totally burned.
"No, I’m fine."
"I like it well-well-well done."
[crowd laughing]
Do you know the well-done with match a standing ovation?
[crowd laughing]
"It’s charcoal-like, girl."
[crowd laughing]
What I hate about gossip at samgyup,
your friend is opening-up,
then you put the pork.
It’s a fight for...
Then you see the pork getting burned.
And then you’re listening to the... Uh-huh....
You’re not listening anymore because you’re worried.
[crowd laughing]
You wanted it to... "Can you speed up?"
[crowd laughing]
I don’t want to see people gossiping at the buffet table.
‘Cause while you’re in line
and they choose to gossip at the line,
and your eyes are set on the shanghai rolls.
It’s almost gone now.
And Filipinos at the buffet asks, "Is it the last batch?"
Shanghai roll is always our priority.
And because of our greediness for shanghai rolls,
we have one on our plates and the other one in our mouths.
It is an acceptable practice.
"Are there shanghai rolls left?" [mutters]
[crowd laughing]
[muttering]
[crowd laughing]
Shanghai rolls are just too much, right?
Shanghai rolls are...
Even if you take a bite while it’s hot,
once you’re scalded, you’ll still eat it.
[crowd laughing]
It’s a fight for your life.
Then, when you win,
"You thought you could outdo me. You’re just a shanghai roll."
[crowd laughing]
And please, next time, put a label on it.
We know shanghai rolls
are just pork.
A Shanghai roll is with pork only, please.
Not when... Your mind is on pork,
then you’re holding shanghai rolls.
Pork. Pork. Pork. All of a sudden, it’s fish.
That’s too much. [groans]
I want to curse.
[crowd laughing]
Those who wrap shanghai rolls, can you please
keep balance?
Don’t get our hopes up.
Don’t put all the meat at the beginning.
With the first bite, it’s pork.
The next one, it’s just a wrapper.
[crowd laughing]
And it’s also scary
at the buffet, whenever what kind of soup is there,
the serving spoon is not available.
And you’re hoping they just forgot it.
[crowd laughing]
Not like
it already sunk down. You get it?
Admit it, you’ve dropped a spoon. Right?
You wanted to save it, but...
[crowd laughing]
"Waiter, there’s no serving spoon available."
There’s already five down there.
[crowd laughing]
You’ll know when the buffet is low budget...
You’ll feel if the buffet doesn’t have any budget,
and you know
a group meal trying hard to be a buffet.
I know it. Rice. Mixed vegetables.
Sweet and sour pork.
Then the dessert is coffee jelly.
Surely, there’s no budget.
[crowd laughing]
They just said it’s a buffet, but they’re trying hard. Right?
You’ll know they have no budget
when you get three pieces of chicken,
then the waiter runs after you.
"Sir.
One piece per guest."
[crowd laughing]
Then, lechon is not available.
When there’s no lechon, for sure, it’s low cost.
Then you’ll murmur,
"Is this VIP?
Yes.
There’s lechon at ballroom four." [crowd laughing]
"Here’s the QR code."
[crowd laughing]
But you know, rich people have the names of the food
placed on a big, long photo frame.
"Chicken immersed in oyster sauce."
"Saturated..." It’s like telling a story. Yummy.
[crowd laughing]
I’ve tried to achieve
what my wife does. I thought doing grocery shopping was easy.
That’s what I admire about my wife, promise.
To the women,
you’re good at grocery shopping.
It’s so hard to do groceries these days.
There’s more than one type of bread.
And there are lots of variations of bread up to the last row.
The same thing with milk.
When I went to do the groceries, there were lots.
I saw lots of funny products.
Alcohol with moisturizer.
Nobody cares if it kills germs, as long as it moisturizes.
Who requested that?
[crowd laughing]
Did anyone get stabbed... "I need alcohol. Not that one."
[crowd laughing]
"I want the one with moisturizer."
[crowd laughing]
"I want to maintain the freshness."
[crowd laughing]
I saw...
liquid... liquid... dishwashing soap named Joy.
I swear, with a touch of Olay.
[crowd laughing]
- Who asked for it? - [crowd laughing]
Did some housekeepers protest in front of Olay?
"We want a touch of Olay!"
Then, the Olay employees gave in to their request.
[crowd laughing]
And you know, it's not effective.
’Cause I tried to feel the hand of our housekeeper,
and I don’t know why I did it, but...
[crowd laughing]
For your sake and the joke's sake.
[crowd laughing]
Since it’s funnier when I touch it.
Oh gosh.
You were waiting for my punchline, right?
You’re not even concerned why I touched it.
[crowd laughing]
I saw lots of products that...
I only realized we got scammed.
Mmm.
The Off lotion.
The mosquito repellant.
It’s like...
our scientists gave up on killing mosquitos.
It’s up to us to adjust.
[crowd laughing]
The mosquitos will mock us.
Look, applying foolishly.
We’re applying it on our skin.
You apply it, right?
And when we put it on,
it serves as our amulet, and we boast about it.
You’ve just applied it.
And now, you’re after them.
- Mmm... - [crowd laughing]
But then, the mosquito just waits for it
to be ineffective after six hours. Then, you’re dead.
[crowd laughing]
I want the Off lotion
to be put directly on the mosquito.
I’ll catch one, then wipe it.
It’ll surely die
of sadness.
Because the other mosquitos stay away from it.
Hey!
[crowd laughing]
It can start a fight.
Another product that I felt scammed with
is eye drops.
Visine and the others.
The instructions
are one or two drops.
Two or three drops. I thought that’s amount required.
But that’s not the case, ‘cause they know
with the first drop,
it won’t be exact.
[crowd laughing]
There are only few who are successful.
Even if it’s successful, you still have doubts. Is that it?
[crowd laughing]
Didn’t it...
Who invented it? You already have a problem with your eye.
And there’s this...
hand-eye coordination.
- Foolish, right? - [crowd laughing]
Sometimes you‘ll be the one adjusting.
Once it drops on the other side, you also move.
[crowd laughing]
The hermit who gave Darna her powers was so wise.
Remember what Darna received when she helped the hermit.
Since you’re kindhearted, here’s the stone.
Swallow it. For sure, once you swallow it,
Darna! You’ll turn into Darna ‘cause you swallowed it.
Just imagine if the hermit hands you an eyedrop.
"Eyedrops." "Thank you." "Wait a minute.
One or two drops."
[crowd laughing]
There’s a crime going on then...
Darna!
Nothing.
[crowd laughing]
Darna!
[crowd laughing]
Darna! That’s it!
[crowd laughing]
Superheroes are easy in America.
If you’re bitten by a spider, you’re Spider-Man.
Simple as that.
Here, in the Philippines,
it’s hard if you’re bitten by a housefly.
It’s hard to be a Flyman.
Why? There’s a crime, and there’s poop.
[crowd laughing]
You can’t decide your priority.
[crowd laughing]
"Oh, something’s going on!"
[crowd laughing]
[scoffs]
It’s so nice to go the grocery store.
I swear, it’s fun.
I saw a chicken in the grocery store.
I was buying the chicken when I saw the packaging said,
"Raised in a stress-free environment."
[crowd laughing]
We’re now concerned about how the chicken lived.
Was it happy?
[crowd laughing]
My problem before was,
I wanted it dead before I eat it.
Whatever happened with its life,
it’s not my concern.
[crowd laughing]
What is a stress-free environment?
Is there a pianist in their cage?
[crowd laughing]
Is there a chicken masseuse?
Swedish? Shiatsu?
If you’re a chicken, you’ll be stressed.
Why? Because you only have 45 days to live.
It’s stressful to live with just 45 days left.
Of course, you’ll be stressed out, because they eat together,
then they’ll be close to one another while eating.
"Hi. What’s your name?" "George." "I’m Alex."
The next day, "Where’s George?"
"George is gone!"
[crowd laughing]
You know,
when we heard about the Balay Dako incident,
when one brought
a dog and was not allowed to enter because the dog is an Aspin.
Yeah. Other animals are jealous.
Because dogs are so smart.
In order not to be eaten and made to be eaten,
they show-off to people.
They are called man’s best friend, aren’t they?
They do some tricks in order for them to live.
Any reason not to get eaten.
"Roll. Sit."
So, the other animals copied them.
Other animals attempted it, but it didn’t work.
The chicken did sit.
When it sat down, it turned into a boiled chicken.
[crowd laughing]
The cow did roll. It did say, "Roll, spin."
And now, it turned into a shawarma.
- [crowd laughing] - [scoffs]
The pig play dead. Lechon.
[crowd laughing]
It’s not effective. Promise.
It's really satisfying to eat people.
And the describer... No, I didn't mean to eat people. Relax.
[crowd laughing]
We have to adjust easily.
I just made a mistake. It’s like, can't I...
The gap was so big. Cannibalism right away. Take it easy.
- Take it easy. - [crowd laughing]
I saw her expression. She judged me already.
[crowd laughing]
Then, she looked around. "Where was I again?"
"What have I gotten myself into?"
[crowd laughing]
"Ma’am, I just made a mistake."
People love to eat.
[crowd laughing]
My previous sentence was that bad, right?
[crowd laughing]
That’s okay. I’m sorry about that.
It’s time to know our audience well.
[crowd laughing]
Okay, I’ll test you first before we continue.
So I’ll know because I assumed that you’re from BGC...
[crowd laughing]
...and you are loaded, so...
[crowd laughing]
Who knows...
someone is not from here.
"How did you get here? Grab?"
[crowd laughing]
Jeeps are not available here.
[crowd laughing]
BGC consists of 75% rich people.
And the other 25%... Do you know where it’s from? Oh.
SM Aura. From SM Aura, you’ll see a rich environment.
You’ll pass by Forbes.
Am I right?
You’ll pass by Bonifacio High and...
St. Lukes.
Then you’ll stop there ‘cause you’re going to Kalayaan.
Kalayaan is a bit downtown.
"Oh, it’s already downtown. Let’s go back."
[crowd laughing]
I’m gonna test the crowd to see if you’re clever.
Because some might be going with the flow.
- [crowd laughing] - [deep breath]
Okay. I’ll break my set to recover.
Ma’am, you’ve become my...
[crowd laughing]
Let’s do some... Let’s look at the...
I have a friend.
[crowd laughing]
The thumb got cut.
[crowd laughing]
Ever since that, he’s not been okay.
[crowd laughing]
Okay, some didn’t get it.
[crowd laughing]
Okay, you need visuals. I’ll adjust it for you.
[crowd laughing]
I have a friend.
Don’t talk to him, since you’re the one who didn’t get it.
- He was getting along with you. - [crowd laughing]
He got the joke.
She’s whispering, "Did you get it?"
[crowd laughing]
"Yes, and you?"
[crowd laughing]
"I got it also." Then...
- [deep breath] - [crowd laughing]
I’ll add some... visuals.
I have a friend
whose thumb got cut.
Now you get it, you finally clap.
She said...
[crowd laughing]
When did you get it?
Okay, for the rest...
[crowd laughing]
I have a friend...
Some are explaining to their companions.
[crowd laughing]
The thumb got cut.
Ever since, he was never okay.
- Are we good? - [crowd laughing]
Here is a reenactment.
[crowd laughing]
Are you okay?
[crowd laughing]
Are we good?
Okay.
I didn’t expect I’ll reach the second-level joke.
- [crowd laughing] - BGC, I’m disappointed in you.
[crowd laughing]
I didn’t expect I’d use the second one too.
It’s taking too long. This is taking too long.
I have a friend
whose index finger got cut.
We asked him who did it.
He couldn’t point it out.
[crowd laughing]
Ah, okay.
[crowd laughing]
We don’t need this anymore, right?
Oh, wait, I’m sorry for the classy ones.
Okay.
I’m gonna adjust, okay?
I have a friend...
[crowd laughing]
[laughing]
Her middle finger got cut.
She doesn’t give a fuck.
[crowd laughing]
Ma’am, are we good?
[crowd laughing]
You know I was so happy about
our house because
there is a newly opened car wash
just beside us.
I’m really happy because
it’s just walking distance, and I don’t need to drive a car.
[crowd laughing]
Our exam proceeds.
Our exam is still going on.
[crowd laughing]
- There - [crowd laughing]
is someone who got left behind.
[crowd laughing]
I just made you relax a bit.
You thought the exam ended.
He said, "What’s this again?"
[crowd laughing]
There’s be a couple who’ll be arguing later.
[crowd laughing]
What do you hate when your car is newly washed?
Rain?
The foolishness is still going on.
New Caption.
[crowd laughing]
When you crash, you’re already injured,
and yet you’re car is clean.
[crowd laughing]
The exam is still going on.
[crowd laughing]
But what I’m I into now is...
[crowd laughing]
Cannibalism was cut.
- [crowd laughing] - [chuckles]
Filipinos are so amusing when it comes to describing food.
That’s why I chose it first. Food is always good.
When Filipinos don’t find it good, they know how to express it.
Straight to the point. While having a bite,
"It tastes like dirt."
[crowd laughing]
We haven’t tried eating dirt, but we know.
"Yeah, it tastes like dirt."
[crowd laughing]
Filipinos are good at describing things.
- When you smell, you smell like the sun. - [crowd laughing]
Nobody has smelled the sun, but we agreed.
[crowd laughing]
But when we do our laundry, we need the sun to dry it.
- I’m so confused. I promise. - [crowd laughing]
I’m embarrassed about the moon because of the sun.
- I promise. - [crowd laughing]
When you threaten a person, "Your day will come."
But nobody said, "Your month will come."
It’s longer, isn’t it?
[crowd laughing]
It’s so fun to eat.
Do you know with fast food?
We get irritated sometimes
because it's called fast food, but it takes too long.
You’re gonna buy food.
Then, a number will be handed to you,
and you believe that number
is exchanged with the food later as you wait.
They’re clever. Instead of improving their service,
your patience becomes hi-tech.
The number got changed into a light.
They’ll hand it to you,
then the light will light up when it's your turn.
They’re entertaining you with it.
[crowd laughing]
Is it only two lights?
It’s just one. Well, it’s not our turn yet.
We always complain about fast food,
but it's scary when it's too fast.
It’s scary, right?
"Cheeseburger, please." "Here."
[crowd laughing]
"What? Why is it prepared already?"
[crowd laughing]
Do you get my point?
We always complain, right?
We complain about the traffic.
Have you experienced no traffic in EDSA?
You’ll also panic about it.
[crowd laughing]
"Is there something going on with the government?"
[crowd laughing]
I’m addicted to watermelon seeds lately.
It’s a sign of aging if you’re into it.
[crowd laughing]
You’re into it once your lips turns white.
And your mother’s eye are on it.
[crowd laughing]
And when you didn’t bite at the right angle
and it's not perfect ‘cause you bit the wrong side.
And you’ll panic ‘cause you bit the wrong part again.
Right?
You eat it piece by piece to get its worth.
Once you’ve bitten it perfectly,
you want it to put in My Day.
"I’m so perfect."
And because of this, I searched around Lazada.
There is
a skinless watermelon seed.
It’s in a pack.
I’m amazed about who invented it.
Because his self control was so strong.
Just to make it like this. After the bite...
[crowd laughing]
It’s amazing. You’ve tasted it a bit. Then, you’ll hold it back.
[crowd laughing]
There’s a factory somewhere in Quezon City
where the people are in line...
[crowd laughing]
...and then there’s an inspector.
[crowd laughing]
I post something online and then I received a comment,
and they said, "It’s just a watermelon seed."
I comment, "That’s why your life is sad."
[crowd laughing]
You don’t have a sense of humor.
[crowd laughing]
You’re penniless. You’re just online, and yet you complain.
There are so much who are affected online.
In fact, I’m so scared about it. They told me...
People told me,
"Alex, did you know you’re a safe comedian because
you’re scared of politically correct lines?"
It’s not that...
I’m just waiting for the right timing to write about it, but I can
deliver a joke that is...
You know... that's politically incorrect.
Because you can do it.
For example, our uncles and aunts know
we call each other names of disability.
It wasn’t an issue before, but it is now.
If we have friends who are a bit cross-eyed,
we call them Cross.
[crowd laughing]
It’s a term of endearment, since you’re friends.
If other people hear it, the so-called woke...
But it was a term of endearment for us before.
Your flaw is your name, that we even forgot your real name.
If there’s a reunion, "Do you know Ryan?" "Who’s Ryan?"
"The cross-eyed." "Ah, you mean Cross. He lives there."
Sometimes when you call him Ryan,
he’ll panic and wonder why you’re calling his real name.
"Are you mad at me?"
There are so many implications.
That’s why I said we shouldn’t be afraid because,
like me, I’ve experienced things that's made my life miserable
because of the politically correct.
And I’m gonna tell you this now,
so you’ll know I’m not a safe comedian.
We once went to a place with my comedian friends.
There’s this noisy person,
a friend of the owner.
Our stand-up was being messed up.
I don’t know his name, but he’s a ponytailed guy
wearing a red jacket
with short jeans
and a cripple.
That’s why I told his friend, "Boss.
Your friend is a bit noisy." "Who?"
"The one with the ponytail."
"Oh, the cripple."
[crowd laughing]
And then I...
I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless.
He might scold me, "Hey, that’s my friend."
Who knows, it might be a set-up.
I just said the one wearing a red jacket.
"The red one? Yeah? Ponytail? The cripple."
[crowd laughing]
"The one wearing short jeans. Yeah, the cripple. See?"
If I said so from the start, he would’ve been quiet already.
[crowd laughing]
Because I was afraid, I wasn’t able to say
what I could easily say.
Part Two. My wife ordered groceries from Grab.
Because she had a hard time.
After it arrived, there seemed to be a problem.
She called customer service.
And while I was watching the TV and eating watermelon seeds,
I could hear her,
"What?"
Then I said,
"What was that about?"
"I can’t understand it.
Sounds like a sick person."
[crowd laughing]
And we panic already ‘cause it's a bit difficult.
Because maybe the speaker is at fault.
We really don’t know.
If you ask, "Is your speaker broken?"
"Ma’am, that’s offensive." We really don’t know.
[crowd laughing]
You get what I mean? We were confused and I did the talking.
"Hello.
Okay.
Yeah, right. Right.
Yes.
Okay, just add more. Thank you."
My wife asks, "Did you understand each other?" "No."
[crowd laughing]
I just agreed to end the conversation.
[crowd laughing]
And you know what happened? We have lots of ham at home.
[crowd laughing]
Even if our order is soap.
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
[crowd laughing]
Don’t get me wrong.
I admire the grocery stores for hiring a PWD.
I admire them.
Because they hired a PWD, but I wish
they assigned him on the right position.
[crowd laughing]
Not at customer service.
[crowd laughing]
Somewhere arranging the items, right?
The person who should be in customer service
is the ponytailed guy.
[crowd laughing]
Wearing a red jacket.
And wearing short jeans.
And that’s what you call "call back".
You’re gonna learn today.
Okay, let’s do this again. I have a friend.
[crowd laughing]
Another thing that is avoided
is to joke about religion.
Religion. But the Pope said you can joke about it now.
Yeah, it’s fine. We have a sense of humor.
We could do it, but not offensive, like...
For us Filipinos who always pray,
sometimes, we abuse it.
We keep on praying because we know it's unlimited.
But if the Filipinos knew
that they should pray only ten times,
only ten times,
then that’s it for life.
For sure, we won’t take it for granted.
When we cross, who’s gonna pray?
[crowd laughing]
- "Oh no, I have four left." - [crowd laughing]
You’re abusing me. I keep praying.
We’re gonna cross together, then you pray.
It should be like that.
Because I believe if I do that,
the prayer should be a message.
And God can’t do it alone.
The angels are His customer service agents.
Let’s believe that logic.
There will be a message receiver,
so God will know.
That’s why there are angels around.
That’s why I’m embarrassed about how our message was sent.
All of it at once. I’m ashamed.
Like my mom,
she prayed for her pork stew to be delicious.
When you do that, of course,
the angels will receive it.
"Make the pork stew delicious."
[crowd laughing]
- [mic tapping] - [crowd laughing]
"Hi, God."
[crowd laughing]
"Someone prayed..."
[crowd laughing]
"Make the pork stew delicious."
[crowd laughing]
God said, "Is it urgent?"
[crowd laughing]
"Yes, it’s already 11:45 a.m. Time for lunch in the Philippines."
[crowd laughing]
"Is that my priority rather than the Russian war?"
[crowd laughing]
There are some prayers that are very confusing.
For example, the basketball players
when they shoot.
Pray.
It’s considered a message sent.
Received. Scored a point, then pray.
[crowd laughing]
- [deep breath] - [mic tapping]
[crowd laughing]
- "Hi, God." - [crowd laughing]
"I also requested the pork sinigang yesterday."
[crowd laughing]
Someone prayed, scored a point, then prayed.
[crowd laughing]
"What are we supposed to do?
Should I retract the ball?"
[crowd laughing]
Sky diving.
Wearing a parachute.
He paid a lot just to jump.
"God, I hope for my safe jump."
Message sent.
[crowd laughing]
[mic tapping]
[crowd laughing]
"God, are you busy?"
[crowd laughing]
"Someone is going to jump."
[crowd laughing]
"He’s wearing parachute.
He prayed. What are we supposed to do?"
He has an option, right?
[crowd laughing]
My angels have wings, and yet he’s wearing parachute.
[crowd laughing]
It’s a lot.
It sounds offensive.
It’s a bit...
What about you?
You looked like you prayed?
[laughing]
"God, the comedian is a bit offensive."
[crowd laughing]
[mic tapping]
[crowd laughing]
"God, someone is offended already."
[crowd laughing]
It’s too much, and you know...
And because
the jokes are somehow similar to the band,
we also received requests.
Someone requested, "Alex,
can you make a joke about... a cabinet?"
What’s that? A woman?
Call back? What?
"Ah, okay. I’ll do it."
For those who didn’t know, here’s the joke.
Uhm...
I believe women are smart,
right?
I’ve found out that women are wiser since the last pandemic.
Why? Because women...
Huh? Like this... Like the guys... Sir James.
Once we get mad, we do it right away.
In an instant.
We’re mad now this instant.
Not with women.
If they get mad, they’ll remain calm.
The anger is kept inside
and hidden inside the cabinet.
[crowd laughing]
And they'll use it at the perfect time.
[crowd laughing]
Women are so great. Right?
Women are so smart. You are so smart...
My wife,
whenever she wakes up in the morning, she knows what to do.
I saw my wife, how organized she was during the pandemic.
Work, business, children.
You are so great.
You know what to do when you wake up.
It’s like you drink Milo.
Waking up, "I’m getting ready."
Getting ready!
"Oh, what a day it’s gonna be."
"Looking at the sprouting plants," right?
[crowd laughing]
As for us,
we guys looks like we were just born in the world.
We’re always surprised. "Woah!"
[crowd laughing]
"Is that a roof?"
[crowd laughing]
When you talk to him, it's a bit incoherent. "Let’s eat."
[crowd laughing]
My wife was looking at me when I woke up
at 06:00 a.m. It's a scary experience. Someone looking,
you’ll be surprised. "Woah!"
[crowd laughing]
And she told me, "Alex I have a question." "Seriously? 06:00 a.m.? A question?"
[crowd laughing]
"What’s your question?" "I have a friend."
[crowd laughing]
Take it easy.
[laughing]
She said, "I have a question." "What is it?"
"What if one day you woke up and found me as a horse?"
[crowd laughing]
"Will you still love me?"
[crowd laughing]
"I woke up and you became a horse?"
[crowd laughing]
"And your concern is if I will still love you?"
[crowd laughing]
"I slept with you beside me."
[crowd laughing]
"And when I woke up, there's a horse?"
[crowd laughing]
"Then you’re gonna ask about my feelings."
[crowd laughing]
The real question is, "How did you become a horse?
What were you doing while I was sleeping?
It’s because you’re up early.
Then, you’re jumping around the garden."
"I’m getting ready. Getting ready."
You’ll be cursed for real.
You deserve it.
I can't just wake up
and find a horse in my bed.
"I love you."
[crowd laughing]
Should I make out with it?
[crowd laughing]
That’s the joke,
and do you still remember the cabinet?
I’ll still use it later.
I’m exposing my joke already.
’Cause I know already, right?
[crowd laughing]
But you need to wait for it. I’ll surprise you.
Oh, he used it. [laugh]
[crowd laughing]
It's the first time I told a joke and already exposed it.
[crowd laughing]
I’m guiding you already.
In order for you to forget a bit,
because after the call-back, there should be a gap.
I need to make some jokes for you to forget it.
Get it? Okay?
But I’ll surprise you. And you’ll be shocked, "He used it!"
"Woah!" Like this.
[crowd laughing]
That’s why I wanted to get rich during the pandemic.
Because I told my wife...
I need to be on par with my wife.
And did you know
the signs of the rich people?
The answer is in the sports.
Golf.
It’s good that no one answered Polo.
[crowd laughing]
Once you said Polo, gosh...
Your family is corrupt.
[crowd laughing]
There’s a horse involved.
It means you’re selling drugs.
[crowd laughing]
Golf is for the rich.
Basketball is a bit casual.
You can wear shorts.
Sleeveless shirt. Slippers.
With a bacon-garter brief.
[crowd laughing]
Okay, let me explain the bacon.
[crowd laughing]
It’s difficult when there are rich people in the crowd.
[crowd laughing]
When the garter is loose, it’s called bacon.
When your balls see that, "Gosh, we’re on self-support here."
[crowd laughing]
"We’ll bump each other."
[crowd laughing]
Golf is for the rich.
It comprises of Lacoste shoes, Lacoste shorts,
Lacoste shirt. And your topic is classy.
[crowd laughing]
"I haven’t..."
[crowd laughing]
This crowd is a bit different.
[crowd laughing]
"I have five billion in the bank. That’s my share of the business."
Very classy.
I haven’t heard anyone talking about,
"Where’s my spare change last night?"
[crowd laughing]
"There’s a deposit from the bottle last night."
[crowd laughing]
I don’t see anyone shadow golfing.
Do you know shadow golfing?
They strike anywhere.
You can see a lot in basketball.
Doing shadow moves without a ball.
In the office, right?
I’m pissed off especially when the topic is serious.
"Did you know my father died?" "Really?"
[crowd laughing]
"What happened?"
[crowd laughing]
Then, he shoots. And you’ll hit him.
[crowd laughing]
"You don’t care about me."
You haven’t seen shadow golf, right?
Especially if you’re from Payatas
and you’re shadow golfing.
[crowd laughing]
Relate? Someone got left behind?
"Hey, I know you.
I know you’re rich.
There’s no pigeon calling in Las Piñas."
My reference is the pigeon.
I’m going to explain it again.
When you have pigeons in the roof,
in order for them to return, you have to clap.
Clap like this. [claps]
[crowd laughing]
The logic behind the clapping for pigeons
is to appreciate the gesture.
"Oh my gosh, I feel appreciated."
They’ll return to you that way.
"Okay, if you’re foolish enough,
do as I say and tell it to your friends."
They’ll mock you for sure.
Oh my gosh, you really believe a comedian.
I saw some agreeing with it.
So am I, if I get applause, I’ll come back.
[crowd laughing]
It’s not true. Don’t spread it.
[crowd laughing]
The others will message their child about it.
[crowd laughing]
Clap, so they’ll appreciate it.
It’s not true.
[crowd laughing]
Do I have to tell you that it’s not true?
But it feels like golf is a bit foolish.
We’re back with golf. And yet you’re still laughing.
[crowd laughing]
Golf is a bit foolish. Right?
Because the space is wide,
but the hole is small.
You won’t be able to shoot it even if you pray.
"I hope I score."
[crowd laughing]
That’s a call-back.
[crowd laughing]
- [mic tapping] - [crowd laughing]
"God."
[crowd laughing]
"Someone is playing golf."
[crowd laughing]
"And he can’t score."
[crowd laughing]
"So do I."
[crowd laughing]
Golf is a bit foolish.
Look at this.
"Let’s go." "Where are we going?" "Let’s follow the ball."
[crowd laughing]
"My prayers didn’t work."
[crowd laughing]
Have you watched a golf game?
It’s a bit lame compared to basketball.
If you watch basketball,
"Curry, three points. Bam!"
"He scores!" You can feel the emotion.
On the other hand, golf on television,
it’s a bit sad. They whisper, and I don’t know why.
They don’t want to wake up the sleeping people, isn’t it?
[crowd laughing]
Tiger Woods.
[crowd laughing]
On the ninth hole...
[crowd laughing]
...is aiming for an eagle.
[crowd laughing]
I want to change it to Filipino style...
It’s more fun with a touch of Filipino entertainment.
Ahh...
[crowd laughing]
"Tiger Woods is on the 9th hole."
[crowd laughing]
"It’s hot out there."
[crowd laughing]
"Shout out to my friends over there.
They are now enjoying their lunch.
I hope you’re lunch is delicious."
[crowd laughing]
I was so sad during the pandemic,
but the sign that the pandemic ended
was because of the simple things I encounter at home.
When I heard the taho seller.
Not the chilled taho,
but the real one.
Before...
Are there taho vendors in your neighborhood?
[crowd laughing]
How do these vendors enter? Leaving their IDs at the gate?
[crowd laughing]
It’s a shame that it disrupts your rhythm.
"Taho! Ta..."
"Ho!"
[crowd laughing]
Taho disrupts our daily life
once you hear it outside. "Taho!"
And when you’re inside,
you’ll evaluate your life.
"Will I buy?"
[crowd laughing]
"How is my blood sugar?" You’ll be anxious about it.
"When did I last eat it?"
"We were still together." It’s like that, right?
Then the vendor will pressure you with,
"Taho!"
"Mmm. Sis? Bro?"
"Hurry, ask them if they want it."
"Taho!"
It’s like taho is more urgent than anything.
"Mom? Dad? What? Mom died?
What about dad? Hurry up!"
"Taho!"
"Grab a mug!
Get some coins! Hurry!" "Taho!" And when he went out,
it’s already gone.
[crowd laughing]
The vendor is long gone.
You’ll only hear, "Taho."
[crowd laughing]
My wife followed the vendor. She got into an accident.
Why? Because the vendor was cursed.
Have you noticed it?
Whenever they remove the excess,
it’s amazing, right?
He removes it accurately.
I tried imitating, the soya was removed entirely.
[crowd laughing]
My wife got into an accident.
She hit the car because she slipped on the soya’s excess.
[crowd laughing]
Wen she returned, the car was crashed.
We lost a lot of money. "You should’ve been careful."
It’s just taho. And the pandemic just ended.
"What were you thinking?"
"Money is hard to earn these days."
"Why are you like that?"
My wife said, "Alex, it’s just taho.
What about you? Do you remember what you did to me?"
[crowd laughing]
Because this is the perfect timing.
[crowd laughing]
Were you surprised?
[crowd laughing]
‪[chuckles]
But...
It’s my birthday.
I’ve been celebrating my birthday for three years publicly.
Relax, it’s not yet over.
[crowd laughing]
You had me pre-empted.
[crowd laughing]
It’s not funny to celebrate your birthday every year.
You say that because you’re young.
[crowd laughing]
I’m almost 52, and it’s a scary age.
This is the age when you heard someone died,
"How old?" "Fifty-two." "Good enough."
[crowd laughing]
It’s funny [chuckles].
[crowd laughing]
You won’t be surprised anymore.
It’s hard to reach 52. That’s good already.
[crowd laughing]
That’s why he’s clapping.
He’s still young. Enjoy it while you can.
I can see the youngsters
at the Ziloh.
Kissing and making out like...
[crowd laughing]
I tried it with my wife, holding her neck.
Her neck snapped.
[crowd laughing]
In the end, we put some linament.
[crowd laughing]
Enjoy your younger days.
Time flies by so fast.
One second you’re 20 years old, the next, you’re 50.
Use your balls, man...
[crowd laughing]
...while it still reacts right away.
Before, when I sensed a woman’s presence...
- [growls] - [crowd laughing]
Easy.
But now, at my age,
the boobs already hit me
and yet my balls...
[crowd laughing]
...respond, "Boss, make an effort, please."
[crowd laughing]
- [scoffs] - [crowd laughing]
Can you relate?
[crowd laughing]
That’s a woman.
[crowd laughing]
"Did you have balls before?"
[crowd laughing]
I’ve been having check-ups already.
Huh?
I’ve also start to save money.
We need to save money.
But going to the bank is hard lately.
I hate banks with long lines.
BDO, BPI.
There’s always a long line, then a number.
It’s okay to fall in line,
but I get pissed of at the bank of BDO and BPI,
because they always have a closed teller.
There’s a window and yet there’s a teller.
She’s doing something.
It’s already chaotic in the bank.
[crowd laughing]
And she won’t look ‘cause if she did...
[crowd laughing]
"It’s already a mess here and yet you’re doing nothing."
[crowd laughing]
I am shocked when it's empty at the RCBC.
It’s a bit frightening.
The teller is doing her make-up.
[crowd laughing]
"Oh, sorry, I’ll just come back later."
[crowd laughing]
The intensive thing about the bank is a robbery.
There’s always a hostage.
That’s their protection, the hostage.
And I’ve been wondering, during the hostage-taking,
everyone is rushing their moves.
"Why are you rushing the hostage?"
The better solution, leave them.
Yeah, just the two of them.
It's almost dark, right?
Then they’ll have an awkward moment. I’m telling you.
[crowd laughing]
Imagine, 11:00 p.m., the hostage will say,
"It’s already 11:00 p.m."
[crowd laughing]
"I told you not to pick me. I’m not from here."
[crowd laughing]
- "You’re such a fool." - [crowd laughing]
"Look at that.
"See, there’s nothing.
I told you so."
[crowd laughing]
They said to save up and do some check-ups.
I’ve been curious about the check-up.
I was shock about
the additional checklist because of my age.
Before, it was only ECG, CBC.
Right? Did you know that the CBC is the cheapest blood test?
And I don’t get why? Because when you pay,
when it gets pricey...
It becomes pricey because of the additional ones.
And I don’t like the system.
For example, you just paid for CBC, then your MedTech is checking it.
And if she finds something wrong,
which is not under CBC,
she’ll ask the doctor if there’s a problem with it.
"What did he pay for?"
"CBC." "Then focus on the CBC."
[crowd laughing]
"If he’s penniless, let’s ignore it."
[crowd laughing]
I’m serious.
There’s an additional exam.
There are hearing and eye exams.
It’s really offensive,
especially if you’re still in denial.
The hearing exam has a long queue.
I don’t get why it has a long line.
It’s easy too spot if the person can hear.
I heard the nurse, "What’s your name?"
When the patient replies, "Huh," he’s deaf.
[crowd laughing]
"Transfer it now."
[crowd laughing]
Then the eye exam. Are there any eye doctors here?
You’re too much.
We admit that our eyes are bad and yet you make us read.
"Can you read level one?" "Yes."
"What about level two?" "Yes." "Level three?" "Yes."
"Level four?" "Not anymore."
"Can you read it?"
[crowd laughing]
"Doc, I already admit that I can’t see.
Why would I read these small letters?"
Does anyone read a book this way?
[crowd laughing]
"I can still read this one."
[crowd laughing]
You’re admitting your weakness and yet you are forced.
I sprained my arm last time,
and I went to the ortho.
I complained that I cannot lift my arm. The doctor said, "Lift your arm."
[crowd laughing]
New Caption.
"I can’t." "Just try it." "What’s your role if I could life my arm?"
[crowd laughing]
"Motivational speaker?
Am I supposed to pay you?"
[crowd laughing]
What I hate with the eye doctor
is there’s a judgment time.
You’ll know if you have a bad sight at the machine.
Round one.
When it moves,
it’s not true.
And he said,
"The red house. That one.
What do you see? I’ll add more."
"I saw a man inside."
[crowd laughing]
"Wearing a red sleeveless shirt."
[crowd laughing]
The doctor said, "Really?" "Doc, have a look."
[crowd laughing]
"I can’t see." "Then, you have a problem."
[crowd laughing]
I hate a colonoscopy the most.
Yeah. You’re asleep for 30 minutes,
then they’ll do the operation.
I’m not happy about it.
The doctor told me, "I’m your fan."
- I was so nervous then. - [crowd laughing]
I’d be asleep for 30 minutes,
and I don’t know what they’re going to do.
He might call the others.
"Alex is so funny."
[crowd laughing]
And they’ll be in group,
and they’ll vlog near my butt.
"Shout out."
[crowd laughing]
They might take a photo of my butt.
"Your balls is a bit small."
I don’t know what they’ll do with that photo.
Who knows when I’m a congressman
and I need to pass a bill,
I’m going to receive an e-mail.
"If you don’t pass the bill,
we’re going to leak the photo of your butt."
[crowd laughing]
Before, I’m picky with my doctors, I want them
to be well-educated, respected, veteran.
But not anymore, it all depends on the doctor.
My urologist could be anyone,
as long as his fingers are not thick.
I’ve learned my lesson.
Though I’ve chosen the best,
but with thick fingers.
[crowd laughing]
He did a prostate exam.
[crowd laughing]
When you’ve done a prostate exam with those fingers,
you’re going to make a sound you least expect.
[crowd laughing]
He did this.
[moan]
And I looked him into his eyes. [moan]
[crowd laughing]
I’ve been doing it three times a week.
[crowd laughing]
It’s fun. Try it.
[crowd laughing]
But you know
you’re old if you’re friends passed away.
For Filipinos,
when they die,
who make it a trend on Facebook,
replacing their picture with a lighted candle
and not revealing who died.
[crowd laughing]
Is this a guessing game?
[crowd laughing]
You’re checking who’s missing on the photos.
[crowd laughing]
Who looks weak?
You’re commenting condolence in order to find the person who asks,
"Girl, who died?"
[crowd laughing]
What do you expect to happen?
A death reveal party?
We could have a death reveal party
because we have gender reveal parties.
You’re pregnant and yet
you’ll know the child’s gender.
Blue if it’s a boy, pink if it’s a girl.
It looks foolish.
You pay to know the gender,
and when the doctor reveals...
"Please don’t say it."
[crowd laughing]
- "I have a gender reveal party." - [crowd laughing]
"Keep it for me for three weeks.
Talk to my organizer."
We don’t need it. Am I right?
We can identify the mother’s child
just by looking.
[crowd laughing]
Am I right?
If a woman has a pointed stomach
and she's ugly, it means it’s a boy.
[crowd laughing]
Only pregnant ladies will be happy to be called ugly.
"You’re ugly." "Oh my God."
[crowd laughing]
"It’s a boy."
[crowd laughing]
If that’s a boy.
What if it’s a girl? Like my child, a girl.
They said I’m ugly.
[crowd laughing]
Well.
[crowd laughing]
At least, it’s not only gender reveal.
[crowd laughing]
You’re really ugly.
[crowd laughing]
Can you imagine if there’s a death reveal party?
You just heard it here.
On a Sunday,
"Welcome to our death reveal party."
We don’t know who died because the coffin is still closed.
[crowd laughing]
Only the organizer know the details.
Because we were away from each other
when one of us was delirious.
[crowd laughing]
We’re having mixed emotions.
Of course, I’m alive because I’m still here.
Do you have a guess?
"Your dad looks weak."
- [crowd laughing] - "Let’s find out. We don’t know yet.
Are we ready?
Music!"
- [singing] - [crowd laughing]
"Oh, it’s Daddy."
[crowd laughing]
At a wake, looking at the coffin,
stare at the coffin.
Someone will come,
"Looks like he's sleeping."
[crowd laughing]
- It should be... - [crowd laughing]
The eyes should be closed.
- It’s scary if the eyes are wide open. - [crowd laughing]
Do you want me to say the eyes are wide open?
[crowd laughing]
I like that type of corpse, wide eyes open.
[crowd laughing]
The jokes that will make you homeless after the wake.
Because the spirits will follow you.
And you need to shrug it off
at the 711.
[crowd laughing]
711 is so powerful.
When you enter 711, the spirits will say, "Oh my gosh."
[crowd laughing]
"I was not informed."
[crowd laughing]
"We are a lot here.
Are you also staying here, Mr. Ghost? Why?"
"I’m waiting for my companion."
[crowd laughing]
That’s why I want to go abroad.
I want to travel while we still can.
I just don’t like it when
we have waters like this at the airport.
"It’s not allowed."
For Filipinos,
if they were asked to throw it out,
especially the mothers, "Gonna throw this?"
The mother will drink it all.
[crowd laughing]
"If I can’t use it, neither can you.
I feel pity for the child. Drink it all.
Water the plants too."
[crowd laughing]
Why is this not allowed? We haven’t seen it in the news, right?
A hijacker bringing bottled water.
What?
"If you don’t give me what I want, I’ll pour this water on the plane."
[crowd laughing]
That’s why I admire my mom, who is
93 years old.
Yeah, she is.
Mmm...
Try to clap.
[crowd laughing]
How old are you, sir?
Fifty-six. You’re good to go.
[crowd laughing]
My mom
is turning 94 this November.
The only problem is,
my mom is still gambling at the casino.
I let her be, but she was worse before.
She sells and pawns things.
I thought maybe it was because my mom was a gambler.
The main reason was my womanizer dad.
He taught my mom to gamble.
Why did he do it?
He taught her majong.
While my mom plays majong,
he can flirt with women.
And I was so pissed off.
Because I’m teaching my wife to play majong.
And she never learns.
[crowd laughing]
My dad retired from the PNR,
Philippine National Railways, in 1992.
That was election time, and he received 175,000 pesos.
My mom scammed him.
"Since it's election time, the country may be in chaos.
Once you deposit at the bank, you might not get it back.
It’s better to put it under your bed.
It’s safer that way."
My dad believed it.
After one week, the money was gone.
My dad said, "Look for your mom."
I saw my mom at the casino with only 300 pesos left.
I said, "You’re dead meat to Dad."
I went with her.
Nothing. No wins at all.
When we arrived, my dad said,
"175,000, which I worked
hard for for 20 years,
you just gambled it away.
Hey. What kind of woman are you?"
My mom just walked
and she went to the cabinet...
[crowd laughing]
...because this is also
the perfect time.
- [crowd cheering] - [crowd applauding]
Thank you so much, everyone!
[crowd cheering, applauding]
You’re such a wonderful crowd.
Thank you for attending my birthday.
You’re such a happy crowd. Thank you.
[upbeat music playing]
- Woah! - [upbeat music playing]
- Nice. - [upbeat music playing]
Success.
But the question is,
will Netflix buy this show?
Let’s wait for it.
‪[upbeat music playing]