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Oh!
This is a comfort room.
What are you doing here?
They might think this is toilet humor.
Okay.
I’ll explain it to you even here, in the toilet.
I’m nervous because this is special.
Yes, we’re doing something special--
Excuse me.
Wait a minute. I’m talking here.
Okay. As I was saying,
this is special.
This is just between us.
We might sell it to Netflix.
And to why I’m so nervous, we’ve spent a lot of money already.
And it might not sell well.
It's nerve-wracking, right?
But seriously, this is just between us.
But wait. What are you doing here?
Oh yeah!
Hero shot for a good start.
Okay. Come on. Let’s go.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Please make some noise and give it up
for the one and only
Alex Calleja!
Yeah!
Good evening, everyone! Give me a round of applause!
Hello! Hello, level one.
Applause, level one!
The ones who paid 1,700.
And level two, let me hear your applause.
I like it, but not that much.
How about level three?
Did you avail the early bird?
But let’s enjoy tonight and have some fun.
The election is almost near.
Gossip is everywhere.
I’ve had enough of the gossip.
Like fake news,
and you’ll know that
your secret will spread out.
There’s this code.
Once you said, "This is just between us."
Once you hear, "This is just between us."
It’s the code to spill the tea.
No one has successfully kept it between them until they died.
What’s your secret?
"It’s between us only."
To the person you said, "It’s just between us,"
once it spreads, I thought it was just between us.
Yeah, I also said it to them.
I said, "It’s between us," too.
It’s the first level of gossip.
And you’ll know if you’re behind it
and you’re on the second level
once the start of the story is like I said.
Like those in a hurry... "Girl..."
"Like I said..."
You know when guys are gossiping,
or the men are talking, we’re very easy to read, right?
Once we are not laughing, it means we’re serious.
Once we laugh, it’s really funny.
We’ll know easily what it’s all about. It’s easy to guess.
Well, the girls... Gosh.
You’ll never see, you’ll never know
what they are talking about ‘cause they have
a rainbow of emotions.
When you see them crying, oh,
you’re not sure if they're really sad.
"What is the sad story you’re talking about?"
"These are tears of joy."
"We’re so happy for our friend."
The women are so hard to read.
Us, guys are easy to read.
Red is red for us.
We’re just primary colors.
Blue, yellow, red, that’s it.
For girls, there are a thousand shades of red.
When buying shoes... "I don’t like this red."
"There’s no rococo red, burgundy red."
It’s a lot, while it’s very simple.
Like... It’s so unfair.
Because there are things that two girls can do but guys can’t.
Promise. Two girls
can feed each other ice cream at the mall.
It's fun to watch, and it’s fine.
"Girl, try this strawberry ice cream.
It’s so yummy."
Sir, what’s your name?
James Sobia, can we feed each other ice cream?
"James, try this!"
"Do you want me to hit you?"
Two girls can play "tag, you’re it" at the beach in a two-piece.
It’s nice to watch. "I’m almost there, Shirley. Come on."
Well, James.
"Let’s play.
You’re wearing trunks. I’m almost there."
"Hey, that’s my balls."
You can shop at the mall.
The girls can wear underwear at the mall.
Trying on bras. "Hey, it suits you. It’s a perfect fit."
"Well, do you want to buy briefs with me?"
James.
"That’s a nice brief."
"Your balls will feel good."
It’s really unfair. Girls always win.
Since we were young, I had this playmate.
Her name's Lilibeth, and whenever she cries,
my mom will come.
"Why did Lilibeth cry? It’s your fault, Alex."
It’s a default that you’re at fault.
Even if I’m the one crying.
"I’m the one who cried, Ma..." "Oh, why are you crying?"
"Lilibeth..." "Because you’re very naughty, Alex."
When you see it at the mall, the girls are arguing, right?
And when the girls cry and you don’t know what happened.
And those around, he’s making the girl cry.
"That guy is really bad."
Even when the gals rob a guy, "This is a robbery."
When the robber cries, she looks pitiful.
It’s very unfair, even in...
Let’s admit it, even during sex.
The Lord is biased towards women.
When we guys are almost there...
When we are almost... It’s like
our face becomes uglier, like getting cramps.
It’s like we’re having cramps.
It’s really unfair, right? When the girls are almost at their limit,
can you see their faces
looks like there's a spotlight?
Wind blowing. Butterflies all over.
Hair is longer.
A Disney voice.
While we become like Metallica.
What I hate about gossip...
Don’t meet your friends in samgyup.
Especially a problematic one, then you’re going for samgyup.
First of all, I have something against samgyup.
The reason why you eat out is because you don’t want to cook.
Then you realize...
Oh, then some waiters are snobbish. "It's burning already."
"Stupid."
Samgyup...
At the start of samgyup, you’re still organized.
Vegetables.
Beef. Chicken, then...
It’s really divided. When it gets chaotic...
You won’t know what it is. It’s all burnt.
You’ll learn to eat that which is cooked, totally burned.
"No, I’m fine."
"I like it well-well-well done."
Do you know the well-done with match a standing ovation?
"It’s charcoal-like, girl."
What I hate about gossip at samgyup,
your friend is opening-up,
then you put the pork.
It’s a fight for...
Then you see the pork getting burned.
And then you’re listening to the... Uh-huh....
You’re not listening anymore because you’re worried.
You wanted it to... "Can you speed up?"
I don’t want to see people gossiping at the buffet table.
‘Cause while you’re in line
and they choose to gossip at the line,
and your eyes are set on the shanghai rolls.
It’s almost gone now.
And Filipinos at the buffet asks, "Is it the last batch?"
Shanghai roll is always our priority.
And because of our greediness for shanghai rolls,
we have one on our plates and the other one in our mouths.
It is an acceptable practice.
"Are there shanghai rolls left?"
Shanghai rolls are just too much, right?
Shanghai rolls are...
Even if you take a bite while it’s hot,
once you’re scalded, you’ll still eat it.
It’s a fight for your life.
Then, when you win,
"You thought you could outdo me. You’re just a shanghai roll."
And please, next time, put a label on it.
We know shanghai rolls
are just pork.
A Shanghai roll is with pork only, please.
Not when... Your mind is on pork,
then you’re holding shanghai rolls.
Pork. Pork. Pork. All of a sudden, it’s fish.
That’s too much.
I want to curse.
Those who wrap shanghai rolls, can you please
keep balance?
Don’t get our hopes up.
Don’t put all the meat at the beginning.
With the first bite, it’s pork.
The next one, it’s just a wrapper.
And it’s also scary
at the buffet, whenever what kind of soup is there,
the serving spoon is not available.
And you’re hoping they just forgot it.
Not like
it already sunk down. You get it?
Admit it, you’ve dropped a spoon. Right?
You wanted to save it, but...
"Waiter, there’s no serving spoon available."
There’s already five down there.
You’ll know when the buffet is low budget...
You’ll feel if the buffet doesn’t have any budget,
and you know
a group meal trying hard to be a buffet.
I know it. Rice. Mixed vegetables.
Sweet and sour pork.
Then the dessert is coffee jelly.
Surely, there’s no budget.
They just said it’s a buffet, but they’re trying hard. Right?
You’ll know they have no budget
when you get three pieces of chicken,
then the waiter runs after you.
"Sir.
One piece per guest."
Then, lechon is not available.
When there’s no lechon, for sure, it’s low cost.
Then you’ll murmur,
"Is this VIP?
Yes.
There’s lechon at ballroom four."
"Here’s the QR code."
But you know, rich people have the names of the food
placed on a big, long photo frame.
"Chicken immersed in oyster sauce."
"Saturated..." It’s like telling a story. Yummy.
I’ve tried to achieve
what my wife does. I thought doing grocery shopping was easy.
That’s what I admire about my wife, promise.
To the women,
you’re good at grocery shopping.
It’s so hard to do groceries these days.
There’s more than one type of bread.
And there are lots of variations of bread up to the last row.
The same thing with milk.
When I went to do the groceries, there were lots.
I saw lots of funny products.
Alcohol with moisturizer.
Nobody cares if it kills germs, as long as it moisturizes.
Who requested that?
Did anyone get stabbed... "I need alcohol. Not that one."
"I want the one with moisturizer."
"I want to maintain the freshness."
I saw...
liquid... liquid... dishwashing soap named Joy.
I swear, with a touch of Olay.
Who asked for it?
Did some housekeepers protest in front of Olay?
"We want a touch of Olay!"
Then, the Olay employees gave in to their request.
And you know, it's not effective.
’Cause I tried to feel the hand of our housekeeper,
and I don’t know why I did it, but...
For your sake and the joke's sake.
Since it’s funnier when I touch it.
Oh gosh.
You were waiting for my punchline, right?
You’re not even concerned why I touched it.
I saw lots of products that...
I only realized we got scammed.
Mmm.
The Off lotion.
The mosquito repellant.
It’s like...
our scientists gave up on killing mosquitos.
It’s up to us to adjust.
The mosquitos will mock us.
Look, applying foolishly.
We’re applying it on our skin.
You apply it, right?
And when we put it on,
it serves as our amulet, and we boast about it.
You’ve just applied it.
And now, you’re after them.
Mmm...
But then, the mosquito just waits for it
to be ineffective after six hours. Then, you’re dead.
I want the Off lotion
to be put directly on the mosquito.
I’ll catch one, then wipe it.
It’ll surely die
of sadness.
Because the other mosquitos stay away from it.
Hey!
It can start a fight.
Another product that I felt scammed with
is eye drops.
Visine and the others.
The instructions
are one or two drops.
Two or three drops. I thought that’s amount required.
But that’s not the case, ‘cause they know
with the first drop,
it won’t be exact.
There are only few who are successful.
Even if it’s successful, you still have doubts. Is that it?
Didn’t it...
Who invented it? You already have a problem with your eye.
And there’s this...
hand-eye coordination.
Foolish, right?
Sometimes you‘ll be the one adjusting.
Once it drops on the other side, you also move.
The hermit who gave Darna her powers was so wise.
Remember what Darna received when she helped the hermit.
Since you’re kindhearted, here’s the stone.
Swallow it. For sure, once you swallow it,
Darna! You’ll turn into Darna ‘cause you swallowed it.
Just imagine if the hermit hands you an eyedrop.
"Eyedrops." "Thank you." "Wait a minute.
One or two drops."
There’s a crime going on then...
Darna!
Nothing.
Darna!
Darna! That’s it!
Superheroes are easy in America.
If you’re bitten by a spider, you’re Spider-Man.
Simple as that.
Here, in the Philippines,
it’s hard if you’re bitten by a housefly.
It’s hard to be a Flyman.
Why? There’s a crime, and there’s poop.
You can’t decide your priority.
"Oh, something’s going on!"
It’s so nice to go the grocery store.
I swear, it’s fun.
I saw a chicken in the grocery store.
I was buying the chicken when I saw the packaging said,
"Raised in a stress-free environment."
We’re now concerned about how the chicken lived.
Was it happy?
My problem before was,
I wanted it dead before I eat it.
Whatever happened with its life,
it’s not my concern.
What is a stress-free environment?
Is there a pianist in their cage?
Is there a chicken masseuse?
Swedish? Shiatsu?
If you’re a chicken, you’ll be stressed.
Why? Because you only have 45 days to live.
It’s stressful to live with just 45 days left.
Of course, you’ll be stressed out, because they eat together,
then they’ll be close to one another while eating.
"Hi. What’s your name?" "George." "I’m Alex."
The next day, "Where’s George?"
"George is gone!"
You know,
when we heard about the Balay Dako incident,
when one brought
a dog and was not allowed to enter because the dog is an Aspin.
Yeah. Other animals are jealous.
Because dogs are so smart.
In order not to be eaten and made to be eaten,
they show-off to people.
They are called man’s best friend, aren’t they?
They do some tricks in order for them to live.
Any reason not to get eaten.
"Roll. Sit."
So, the other animals copied them.
Other animals attempted it, but it didn’t work.
The chicken did sit.
When it sat down, it turned into a boiled chicken.
The cow did roll. It did say, "Roll, spin."
And now, it turned into a shawarma.
The pig play dead. Lechon.
It’s not effective. Promise.
It's really satisfying to eat people.
And the describer... No, I didn't mean to eat people. Relax.
We have to adjust easily.
I just made a mistake. It’s like, can't I...
The gap was so big. Cannibalism right away. Take it easy.
Take it easy.
I saw her expression. She judged me already.
Then, she looked around. "Where was I again?"
"What have I gotten myself into?"
"Ma’am, I just made a mistake."
People love to eat.
My previous sentence was that bad, right?
That’s okay. I’m sorry about that.
It’s time to know our audience well.
Okay, I’ll test you first before we continue.
So I’ll know because I assumed that you’re from BGC...
...and you are loaded, so...
Who knows...
someone is not from here.
"How did you get here? Grab?"
Jeeps are not available here.
BGC consists of 75% rich people.
And the other 25%... Do you know where it’s from? Oh.
SM Aura. From SM Aura, you’ll see a rich environment.
You’ll pass by Forbes.
Am I right?
You’ll pass by Bonifacio High and...
St. Lukes.
Then you’ll stop there ‘cause you’re going to Kalayaan.
Kalayaan is a bit downtown.
"Oh, it’s already downtown. Let’s go back."
I’m gonna test the crowd to see if you’re clever.
Because some might be going with the flow.
Okay. I’ll break my set to recover.
Ma’am, you’ve become my...
Let’s do some... Let’s look at the...
I have a friend.
The thumb got cut.
Ever since that, he’s not been okay.
Okay, some didn’t get it.
Okay, you need visuals. I’ll adjust it for you.
I have a friend.
Don’t talk to him, since you’re the one who didn’t get it.
He was getting along with you.
He got the joke.
She’s whispering, "Did you get it?"
"Yes, and you?"
"I got it also." Then...
I’ll add some... visuals.
I have a friend
whose thumb got cut.
Now you get it, you finally clap.
She said...
When did you get it?
Okay, for the rest...
I have a friend...
Some are explaining to their companions.
The thumb got cut.
Ever since, he was never okay.
Are we good?
Here is a reenactment.
Are you okay?
Are we good?
Okay.
I didn’t expect I’ll reach the second-level joke.
BGC, I’m disappointed in you.
I didn’t expect I’d use the second one too.
It’s taking too long. This is taking too long.
I have a friend
whose index finger got cut.
We asked him who did it.
He couldn’t point it out.
Ah, okay.
We don’t need this anymore, right?
Oh, wait, I’m sorry for the classy ones.
Okay.
I’m gonna adjust, okay?
I have a friend...
Her middle finger got cut.
She doesn’t give a fuck.
Ma’am, are we good?
You know I was so happy about
our house because
there is a newly opened car wash
just beside us.
I’m really happy because
it’s just walking distance, and I don’t need to drive a car.
Our exam proceeds.
Our exam is still going on.
There
is someone who got left behind.
I just made you relax a bit.
You thought the exam ended.
He said, "What’s this again?"
There’s be a couple who’ll be arguing later.
What do you hate when your car is newly washed?
Rain?
The foolishness is still going on.
New Caption.
When you crash, you’re already injured,
and yet you’re car is clean.
The exam is still going on.
But what I’m I into now is...
Cannibalism was cut.
Filipinos are so amusing when it comes to describing food.
That’s why I chose it first. Food is always good.
When Filipinos don’t find it good, they know how to express it.
Straight to the point. While having a bite,
"It tastes like dirt."
We haven’t tried eating dirt, but we know.
"Yeah, it tastes like dirt."
Filipinos are good at describing things.
When you smell, you smell like the sun.
Nobody has smelled the sun, but we agreed.
But when we do our laundry, we need the sun to dry it.
I’m so confused. I promise.
I’m embarrassed about the moon because of the sun.
I promise.
When you threaten a person, "Your day will come."
But nobody said, "Your month will come."
It’s longer, isn’t it?
It’s so fun to eat.
Do you know with fast food?
We get irritated sometimes
because it's called fast food, but it takes too long.
You’re gonna buy food.
Then, a number will be handed to you,
and you believe that number
is exchanged with the food later as you wait.
They’re clever. Instead of improving their service,
your patience becomes hi-tech.
The number got changed into a light.
They’ll hand it to you,
then the light will light up when it's your turn.
They’re entertaining you with it.
Is it only two lights?
It’s just one. Well, it’s not our turn yet.
We always complain about fast food,
but it's scary when it's too fast.
It’s scary, right?
"Cheeseburger, please." "Here."
"What? Why is it prepared already?"
Do you get my point?
We always complain, right?
We complain about the traffic.
Have you experienced no traffic in EDSA?
You’ll also panic about it.
"Is there something going on with the government?"
I’m addicted to watermelon seeds lately.
It’s a sign of aging if you’re into it.
You’re into it once your lips turns white.
And your mother’s eye are on it.
And when you didn’t bite at the right angle
and it's not perfect ‘cause you bit the wrong side.
And you’ll panic ‘cause you bit the wrong part again.
Right?
You eat it piece by piece to get its worth.
Once you’ve bitten it perfectly,
you want it to put in My Day.
"I’m so perfect."
And because of this, I searched around Lazada.
There is
a skinless watermelon seed.
It’s in a pack.
I’m amazed about who invented it.
Because his self control was so strong.
Just to make it like this. After the bite...
It’s amazing. You’ve tasted it a bit. Then, you’ll hold it back.
There’s a factory somewhere in Quezon City
where the people are in line...
...and then there’s an inspector.
I post something online and then I received a comment,
and they said, "It’s just a watermelon seed."
I comment, "That’s why your life is sad."
You don’t have a sense of humor.
You’re penniless. You’re just online, and yet you complain.
There are so much who are affected online.
In fact, I’m so scared about it. They told me...
People told me,
"Alex, did you know you’re a safe comedian because
you’re scared of politically correct lines?"
It’s not that...
I’m just waiting for the right timing to write about it, but I can
deliver a joke that is...
You know... that's politically incorrect.
Because you can do it.
For example, our uncles and aunts know
we call each other names of disability.
It wasn’t an issue before, but it is now.
If we have friends who are a bit cross-eyed,
we call them Cross.
It’s a term of endearment, since you’re friends.
If other people hear it, the so-called woke...
But it was a term of endearment for us before.
Your flaw is your name, that we even forgot your real name.
If there’s a reunion, "Do you know Ryan?" "Who’s Ryan?"
"The cross-eyed." "Ah, you mean Cross. He lives there."
Sometimes when you call him Ryan,
he’ll panic and wonder why you’re calling his real name.
"Are you mad at me?"
There are so many implications.
That’s why I said we shouldn’t be afraid because,
like me, I’ve experienced things that's made my life miserable
because of the politically correct.
And I’m gonna tell you this now,
so you’ll know I’m not a safe comedian.
We once went to a place with my comedian friends.
There’s this noisy person,
a friend of the owner.
Our stand-up was being messed up.
I don’t know his name, but he’s a ponytailed guy
wearing a red jacket
with short jeans
and a cripple.
That’s why I told his friend, "Boss.
Your friend is a bit noisy." "Who?"
"The one with the ponytail."
"Oh, the cripple."
And then I...
I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless.
He might scold me, "Hey, that’s my friend."
Who knows, it might be a set-up.
I just said the one wearing a red jacket.
"The red one? Yeah? Ponytail? The cripple."
"The one wearing short jeans. Yeah, the cripple. See?"
If I said so from the start, he would’ve been quiet already.
Because I was afraid, I wasn’t able to say
what I could easily say.
Part Two. My wife ordered groceries from Grab.
Because she had a hard time.
After it arrived, there seemed to be a problem.
She called customer service.
And while I was watching the TV and eating watermelon seeds,
I could hear her,
"What?"
Then I said,
"What was that about?"
"I can’t understand it.
Sounds like a sick person."
And we panic already ‘cause it's a bit difficult.
Because maybe the speaker is at fault.
We really don’t know.
If you ask, "Is your speaker broken?"
"Ma’am, that’s offensive." We really don’t know.
You get what I mean? We were confused and I did the talking.
"Hello.
Okay.
Yeah, right. Right.
Yes.
Okay, just add more. Thank you."
My wife asks, "Did you understand each other?" "No."
I just agreed to end the conversation.
And you know what happened? We have lots of ham at home.
Even if our order is soap.
Don’t get me wrong.
I admire the grocery stores for hiring a PWD.
I admire them.
Because they hired a PWD, but I wish
they assigned him on the right position.
Not at customer service.
Somewhere arranging the items, right?
The person who should be in customer service
is the ponytailed guy.
Wearing a red jacket.
And wearing short jeans.
And that’s what you call "call back".
You’re gonna learn today.
Okay, let’s do this again. I have a friend.
Another thing that is avoided
is to joke about religion.
Religion. But the Pope said you can joke about it now.
Yeah, it’s fine. We have a sense of humor.
We could do it, but not offensive, like...
For us Filipinos who always pray,
sometimes, we abuse it.
We keep on praying because we know it's unlimited.
But if the Filipinos knew
that they should pray only ten times,
only ten times,
then that’s it for life.
For sure, we won’t take it for granted.
When we cross, who’s gonna pray?
"Oh no, I have four left."
You’re abusing me. I keep praying.
We’re gonna cross together, then you pray.
It should be like that.
Because I believe if I do that,
the prayer should be a message.
And God can’t do it alone.
The angels are His customer service agents.
Let’s believe that logic.
There will be a message receiver,
so God will know.
That’s why there are angels around.
That’s why I’m embarrassed about how our message was sent.
All of it at once. I’m ashamed.
Like my mom,
she prayed for her pork stew to be delicious.
When you do that, of course,
the angels will receive it.
"Make the pork stew delicious."
"Hi, God."
"Someone prayed..."
"Make the pork stew delicious."
God said, "Is it urgent?"
"Yes, it’s already 11:45 a.m. Time for lunch in the Philippines."
"Is that my priority rather than the Russian war?"
There are some prayers that are very confusing.
For example, the basketball players
when they shoot.
Pray.
It’s considered a message sent.
Received. Scored a point, then pray.
"Hi, God."
"I also requested the pork sinigang yesterday."
Someone prayed, scored a point, then prayed.
"What are we supposed to do?
Should I retract the ball?"
Sky diving.
Wearing a parachute.
He paid a lot just to jump.
"God, I hope for my safe jump."
Message sent.
"God, are you busy?"
"Someone is going to jump."
"He’s wearing parachute.
He prayed. What are we supposed to do?"
He has an option, right?
My angels have wings, and yet he’s wearing parachute.
It’s a lot.
It sounds offensive.
It’s a bit...
What about you?
You looked like you prayed?
"God, the comedian is a bit offensive."
"God, someone is offended already."
It’s too much, and you know...
And because
the jokes are somehow similar to the band,
we also received requests.
Someone requested, "Alex,
can you make a joke about... a cabinet?"
What’s that? A woman?
Call back? What?
"Ah, okay. I’ll do it."
For those who didn’t know, here’s the joke.
Uhm...
I believe women are smart,
right?
I’ve found out that women are wiser since the last pandemic.
Why? Because women...
Huh? Like this... Like the guys... Sir James.
Once we get mad, we do it right away.
In an instant.
We’re mad now this instant.
Not with women.
If they get mad, they’ll remain calm.
The anger is kept inside
and hidden inside the cabinet.
And they'll use it at the perfect time.
Women are so great. Right?
Women are so smart. You are so smart...
My wife,
whenever she wakes up in the morning, she knows what to do.
I saw my wife, how organized she was during the pandemic.
Work, business, children.
You are so great.
You know what to do when you wake up.
It’s like you drink Milo.
Waking up, "I’m getting ready."
Getting ready!
"Oh, what a day it’s gonna be."
"Looking at the sprouting plants," right?
As for us,
we guys looks like we were just born in the world.
We’re always surprised. "Woah!"
"Is that a roof?"
When you talk to him, it's a bit incoherent. "Let’s eat."
My wife was looking at me when I woke up
at 06:00 a.m. It's a scary experience. Someone looking,
you’ll be surprised. "Woah!"
And she told me, "Alex I have a question." "Seriously? 06:00 a.m.? A question?"
"What’s your question?" "I have a friend."
Take it easy.
She said, "I have a question." "What is it?"
"What if one day you woke up and found me as a horse?"
"Will you still love me?"
"I woke up and you became a horse?"
"And your concern is if I will still love you?"
"I slept with you beside me."
"And when I woke up, there's a horse?"
"Then you’re gonna ask about my feelings."
The real question is, "How did you become a horse?
What were you doing while I was sleeping?
It’s because you’re up early.
Then, you’re jumping around the garden."
"I’m getting ready. Getting ready."
You’ll be cursed for real.
You deserve it.
I can't just wake up
and find a horse in my bed.
"I love you."
Should I make out with it?
That’s the joke,
and do you still remember the cabinet?
I’ll still use it later.
I’m exposing my joke already.
’Cause I know already, right?
But you need to wait for it. I’ll surprise you.
Oh, he used it.
It's the first time I told a joke and already exposed it.
I’m guiding you already.
In order for you to forget a bit,
because after the call-back, there should be a gap.
I need to make some jokes for you to forget it.
Get it? Okay?
But I’ll surprise you. And you’ll be shocked, "He used it!"
"Woah!" Like this.
That’s why I wanted to get rich during the pandemic.
Because I told my wife...
I need to be on par with my wife.
And did you know
the signs of the rich people?
The answer is in the sports.
Golf.
It’s good that no one answered Polo.
Once you said Polo, gosh...
Your family is corrupt.
There’s a horse involved.
It means you’re selling drugs.
Golf is for the rich.
Basketball is a bit casual.
You can wear shorts.
Sleeveless shirt. Slippers.
With a bacon-garter brief.
Okay, let me explain the bacon.
It’s difficult when there are rich people in the crowd.
When the garter is loose, it’s called bacon.
When your balls see that, "Gosh, we’re on self-support here."
"We’ll bump each other."
Golf is for the rich.
It comprises of Lacoste shoes, Lacoste shorts,
Lacoste shirt. And your topic is classy.
"I haven’t..."
This crowd is a bit different.
"I have five billion in the bank. That’s my share of the business."
Very classy.
I haven’t heard anyone talking about,
"Where’s my spare change last night?"
"There’s a deposit from the bottle last night."
I don’t see anyone shadow golfing.
Do you know shadow golfing?
They strike anywhere.
You can see a lot in basketball.
Doing shadow moves without a ball.
In the office, right?
I’m pissed off especially when the topic is serious.
"Did you know my father died?" "Really?"
"What happened?"
Then, he shoots. And you’ll hit him.
"You don’t care about me."
You haven’t seen shadow golf, right?
Especially if you’re from Payatas
and you’re shadow golfing.
Relate? Someone got left behind?
"Hey, I know you.
I know you’re rich.
There’s no pigeon calling in Las Piñas."
My reference is the pigeon.
I’m going to explain it again.
When you have pigeons in the roof,
in order for them to return, you have to clap.
Clap like this.
The logic behind the clapping for pigeons
is to appreciate the gesture.
"Oh my gosh, I feel appreciated."
They’ll return to you that way.
"Okay, if you’re foolish enough,
do as I say and tell it to your friends."
They’ll mock you for sure.
Oh my gosh, you really believe a comedian.
I saw some agreeing with it.
So am I, if I get applause, I’ll come back.
It’s not true. Don’t spread it.
The others will message their child about it.
Clap, so they’ll appreciate it.
It’s not true.
Do I have to tell you that it’s not true?
But it feels like golf is a bit foolish.
We’re back with golf. And yet you’re still laughing.
Golf is a bit foolish. Right?
Because the space is wide,
but the hole is small.
You won’t be able to shoot it even if you pray.
"I hope I score."
That’s a call-back.
"God."
"Someone is playing golf."
"And he can’t score."
"So do I."
Golf is a bit foolish.
Look at this.
"Let’s go." "Where are we going?" "Let’s follow the ball."
"My prayers didn’t work."
Have you watched a golf game?
It’s a bit lame compared to basketball.
If you watch basketball,
"Curry, three points. Bam!"
"He scores!" You can feel the emotion.
On the other hand, golf on television,
it’s a bit sad. They whisper, and I don’t know why.
They don’t want to wake up the sleeping people, isn’t it?
Tiger Woods.
On the ninth hole...
...is aiming for an eagle.
I want to change it to Filipino style...
It’s more fun with a touch of Filipino entertainment.
Ahh...
"Tiger Woods is on the 9th hole."
"It’s hot out there."
"Shout out to my friends over there.
They are now enjoying their lunch.
I hope you’re lunch is delicious."
I was so sad during the pandemic,
but the sign that the pandemic ended
was because of the simple things I encounter at home.
When I heard the taho seller.
Not the chilled taho,
but the real one.
Before...
Are there taho vendors in your neighborhood?
How do these vendors enter? Leaving their IDs at the gate?
It’s a shame that it disrupts your rhythm.
"Taho! Ta..."
"Ho!"
Taho disrupts our daily life
once you hear it outside. "Taho!"
And when you’re inside,
you’ll evaluate your life.
"Will I buy?"
"How is my blood sugar?" You’ll be anxious about it.
"When did I last eat it?"
"We were still together." It’s like that, right?
Then the vendor will pressure you with,
"Taho!"
"Mmm. Sis? Bro?"
"Hurry, ask them if they want it."
"Taho!"
It’s like taho is more urgent than anything.
"Mom? Dad? What? Mom died?
What about dad? Hurry up!"
"Taho!"
"Grab a mug!
Get some coins! Hurry!" "Taho!" And when he went out,
it’s already gone.
The vendor is long gone.
You’ll only hear, "Taho."
My wife followed the vendor. She got into an accident.
Why? Because the vendor was cursed.
Have you noticed it?
Whenever they remove the excess,
it’s amazing, right?
He removes it accurately.
I tried imitating, the soya was removed entirely.
My wife got into an accident.
She hit the car because she slipped on the soya’s excess.
Wen she returned, the car was crashed.
We lost a lot of money. "You should’ve been careful."
It’s just taho. And the pandemic just ended.
"What were you thinking?"
"Money is hard to earn these days."
"Why are you like that?"
My wife said, "Alex, it’s just taho.
What about you? Do you remember what you did to me?"
Because this is the perfect timing.
Were you surprised?
‪
But...
It’s my birthday.
I’ve been celebrating my birthday for three years publicly.
Relax, it’s not yet over.
You had me pre-empted.
It’s not funny to celebrate your birthday every year.
You say that because you’re young.
I’m almost 52, and it’s a scary age.
This is the age when you heard someone died,
"How old?" "Fifty-two." "Good enough."
It’s funny.
You won’t be surprised anymore.
It’s hard to reach 52. That’s good already.
That’s why he’s clapping.
He’s still young. Enjoy it while you can.
I can see the youngsters
at the Ziloh.
Kissing and making out like...
I tried it with my wife, holding her neck.
Her neck snapped.
In the end, we put some linament.
Enjoy your younger days.
Time flies by so fast.
One second you’re 20 years old, the next, you’re 50.
Use your balls, man...
...while it still reacts right away.
Before, when I sensed a woman’s presence...
Easy.
But now, at my age,
the boobs already hit me
and yet my balls...
...respond, "Boss, make an effort, please."
Can you relate?
That’s a woman.
"Did you have balls before?"
I’ve been having check-ups already.
Huh?
I’ve also start to save money.
We need to save money.
But going to the bank is hard lately.
I hate banks with long lines.
BDO, BPI.
There’s always a long line, then a number.
It’s okay to fall in line,
but I get pissed of at the bank of BDO and BPI,
because they always have a closed teller.
There’s a window and yet there’s a teller.
She’s doing something.
It’s already chaotic in the bank.
And she won’t look ‘cause if she did...
"It’s already a mess here and yet you’re doing nothing."
I am shocked when it's empty at the RCBC.
It’s a bit frightening.
The teller is doing her make-up.
"Oh, sorry, I’ll just come back later."
The intensive thing about the bank is a robbery.
There’s always a hostage.
That’s their protection, the hostage.
And I’ve been wondering, during the hostage-taking,
everyone is rushing their moves.
"Why are you rushing the hostage?"
The better solution, leave them.
Yeah, just the two of them.
It's almost dark, right?
Then they’ll have an awkward moment. I’m telling you.
Imagine, 11:00 p.m., the hostage will say,
"It’s already 11:00 p.m."
"I told you not to pick me. I’m not from here."
"You’re such a fool."
"Look at that.
"See, there’s nothing.
I told you so."
They said to save up and do some check-ups.
I’ve been curious about the check-up.
I was shock about
the additional checklist because of my age.
Before, it was only ECG, CBC.
Right? Did you know that the CBC is the cheapest blood test?
And I don’t get why? Because when you pay,
when it gets pricey...
It becomes pricey because of the additional ones.
And I don’t like the system.
For example, you just paid for CBC, then your MedTech is checking it.
And if she finds something wrong,
which is not under CBC,
she’ll ask the doctor if there’s a problem with it.
"What did he pay for?"
"CBC." "Then focus on the CBC."
"If he’s penniless, let’s ignore it."
I’m serious.
There’s an additional exam.
There are hearing and eye exams.
It’s really offensive,
especially if you’re still in denial.
The hearing exam has a long queue.
I don’t get why it has a long line.
It’s easy too spot if the person can hear.
I heard the nurse, "What’s your name?"
When the patient replies, "Huh," he’s deaf.
"Transfer it now."
Then the eye exam. Are there any eye doctors here?
You’re too much.
We admit that our eyes are bad and yet you make us read.
"Can you read level one?" "Yes."
"What about level two?" "Yes." "Level three?" "Yes."
"Level four?" "Not anymore."
"Can you read it?"
"Doc, I already admit that I can’t see.
Why would I read these small letters?"
Does anyone read a book this way?
"I can still read this one."
You’re admitting your weakness and yet you are forced.
I sprained my arm last time,
and I went to the ortho.
I complained that I cannot lift my arm. The doctor said, "Lift your arm."
New Caption.
"I can’t." "Just try it." "What’s your role if I could life my arm?"
"Motivational speaker?
Am I supposed to pay you?"
What I hate with the eye doctor
is there’s a judgment time.
You’ll know if you have a bad sight at the machine.
Round one.
When it moves,
it’s not true.
And he said,
"The red house. That one.
What do you see? I’ll add more."
"I saw a man inside."
"Wearing a red sleeveless shirt."
The doctor said, "Really?" "Doc, have a look."
"I can’t see." "Then, you have a problem."
I hate a colonoscopy the most.
Yeah. You’re asleep for 30 minutes,
then they’ll do the operation.
I’m not happy about it.
The doctor told me, "I’m your fan."
I was so nervous then.
I’d be asleep for 30 minutes,
and I don’t know what they’re going to do.
He might call the others.
"Alex is so funny."
And they’ll be in group,
and they’ll vlog near my butt.
"Shout out."
They might take a photo of my butt.
"Your balls is a bit small."
I don’t know what they’ll do with that photo.
Who knows when I’m a congressman
and I need to pass a bill,
I’m going to receive an e-mail.
"If you don’t pass the bill,
we’re going to leak the photo of your butt."
Before, I’m picky with my doctors, I want them
to be well-educated, respected, veteran.
But not anymore, it all depends on the doctor.
My urologist could be anyone,
as long as his fingers are not thick.
I’ve learned my lesson.
Though I’ve chosen the best,
but with thick fingers.
He did a prostate exam.
When you’ve done a prostate exam with those fingers,
you’re going to make a sound you least expect.
He did this.
And I looked him into his eyes.
I’ve been doing it three times a week.
It’s fun. Try it.
But you know
you’re old if you’re friends passed away.
For Filipinos,
when they die,
who make it a trend on Facebook,
replacing their picture with a lighted candle
and not revealing who died.
Is this a guessing game?
You’re checking who’s missing on the photos.
Who looks weak?
You’re commenting condolence in order to find the person who asks,
"Girl, who died?"
What do you expect to happen?
A death reveal party?
We could have a death reveal party
because we have gender reveal parties.
You’re pregnant and yet
you’ll know the child’s gender.
Blue if it’s a boy, pink if it’s a girl.
It looks foolish.
You pay to know the gender,
and when the doctor reveals...
"Please don’t say it."
"I have a gender reveal party."
"Keep it for me for three weeks.
Talk to my organizer."
We don’t need it. Am I right?
We can identify the mother’s child
just by looking.
Am I right?
If a woman has a pointed stomach
and she's ugly, it means it’s a boy.
Only pregnant ladies will be happy to be called ugly.
"You’re ugly." "Oh my God."
"It’s a boy."
If that’s a boy.
What if it’s a girl? Like my child, a girl.
They said I’m ugly.
Well.
At least, it’s not only gender reveal.
You’re really ugly.
Can you imagine if there’s a death reveal party?
You just heard it here.
On a Sunday,
"Welcome to our death reveal party."
We don’t know who died because the coffin is still closed.
Only the organizer know the details.
Because we were away from each other
when one of us was delirious.
We’re having mixed emotions.
Of course, I’m alive because I’m still here.
Do you have a guess?
"Your dad looks weak."
"Let’s find out. We don’t know yet.
Are we ready?
Music!"
"Oh, it’s Daddy."
At a wake, looking at the coffin,
stare at the coffin.
Someone will come,
"Looks like he's sleeping."
It should be...
The eyes should be closed.
It’s scary if the eyes are wide open.
Do you want me to say the eyes are wide open?
I like that type of corpse, wide eyes open.
The jokes that will make you homeless after the wake.
Because the spirits will follow you.
And you need to shrug it off
at the 711.
711 is so powerful.
When you enter 711, the spirits will say, "Oh my gosh."
"I was not informed."
"We are a lot here.
Are you also staying here, Mr. Ghost? Why?"
"I’m waiting for my companion."
That’s why I want to go abroad.
I want to travel while we still can.
I just don’t like it when
we have waters like this at the airport.
"It’s not allowed."
For Filipinos,
if they were asked to throw it out,
especially the mothers, "Gonna throw this?"
The mother will drink it all.
"If I can’t use it, neither can you.
I feel pity for the child. Drink it all.
Water the plants too."
Why is this not allowed? We haven’t seen it in the news, right?
A hijacker bringing bottled water.
What?
"If you don’t give me what I want, I’ll pour this water on the plane."
That’s why I admire my mom, who is
93 years old.
Yeah, she is.
Mmm...
Try to clap.
How old are you, sir?
Fifty-six. You’re good to go.
My mom
is turning 94 this November.
The only problem is,
my mom is still gambling at the casino.
I let her be, but she was worse before.
She sells and pawns things.
I thought maybe it was because my mom was a gambler.
The main reason was my womanizer dad.
He taught my mom to gamble.
Why did he do it?
He taught her majong.
While my mom plays majong,
he can flirt with women.
And I was so pissed off.
Because I’m teaching my wife to play majong.
And she never learns.
My dad retired from the PNR,
Philippine National Railways, in 1992.
That was election time, and he received 175,000 pesos.
My mom scammed him.
"Since it's election time, the country may be in chaos.
Once you deposit at the bank, you might not get it back.
It’s better to put it under your bed.
It’s safer that way."
My dad believed it.
After one week, the money was gone.
My dad said, "Look for your mom."
I saw my mom at the casino with only 300 pesos left.
I said, "You’re dead meat to Dad."
I went with her.
Nothing. No wins at all.
When we arrived, my dad said,
"175,000, which I worked
hard for for 20 years,
you just gambled it away.
Hey. What kind of woman are you?"
My mom just walked
and she went to the cabinet...
...because this is also
the perfect time.
Thank you so much, everyone!
You’re such a wonderful crowd.
Thank you for attending my birthday.
You’re such a happy crowd. Thank you.
- Woah!
- Nice.
Success.
But the question is,
will Netflix buy this show?
Let’s wait for it.
‪