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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["Half Love" by Red Hearse playing]

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♪ You feel it coming
don't want to acknowledge it ♪

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ So sick of fronting
Stand up in front of it ♪

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♪ 'Cause I don't wanna waste no time ♪

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♪ I don't wanna waste no time ♪

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♪ Don't hear your mother
Father, or family ♪

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♪ They said it won't give up
Well, wait and see ♪

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♪ 'Cause I don't wanna waste no time ♪

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[audience cheering]

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♪ 'Cause everybody's playin' it loose ♪

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♪ But what if we were real with it? ♪

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♪ 'Cause honestly
I'm just too good for that half love ♪

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♪ Know that you've been feelin' it too
Ah, admit the truth ♪

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Thanks so much.

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♪ Never gonna love another like you… ♪

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Thank you, guys.
Good to see you. Thanks for being here.

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How are you? Hey.

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[audience cheering]

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Thank you so much. I…

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Thank you.

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I…

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[audience giggling]

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About a year ago…

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[laughter]

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I'm walking my daughter home from school.

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My wife and daughter and I
live in Brooklyn.

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There's all these smoke shops there,
and they have cutesy names

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like Blazy Susan…

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[audience laughs]

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…and Yes We Cannabis.

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-And…
-[audience laughing]

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And my daughter Oona looks up,
she's nine years old,

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she looks up at the name of a shop,
and she goes, "Dad, what's the good life?"

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I was like, "I don't even know."

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[laughter]

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-"It's not what I'm doing." And…
-[audience laughing]

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But it was one of those moments
where I'm like,

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"I should try to explain drugs
as best I can."

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It's like, "Well, some people use drugs,
and they sort of make your brain happy,

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but it's sort of a fake happy,

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and you don't wanna get too happy
'cause then you gotta use more drugs

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to get it as happy
as it was the first time."

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"And then the eighth or ninth time,
you're in real trouble."

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"Anyway, Mom and I use them sometimes."

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"Not often, mostly when we were younger."

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"Not your age. Like three years older
than you are now."

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[audience laughing]

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And, of course,
I have to explain drugs to my daughter,

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but I don't-- No one explained it to me.

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My parents didn't explain it.

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The closest thing to it
was in sixth grade,

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they had the D.A.R.E. program,
and it was the '80s.

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It was an acronym that stood
for Drug Abuse Resistance… Education,

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which sort of feels like
it was written by someone on drugs.

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-You know, like…
-[laughter]

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[yelling] "It's gotta be four words!"

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"We know what the 'D' is!"

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[audience laughing]

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"We're printing the shirts on Monday!"
You know?

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[in normal voice]
It was a very shirt-driven campaign,

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and those shirts are worn,
ironically, to this day,

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by people actively on drugs.

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-[laughter]
-And…

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before the D.A.R.E. program,
I had not considered using drugs, and…

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[audience laughing]

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…once they laid out all the options,

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I was like, "I should try these drugs
and make an educated decision,

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because they made it sound
pretty exciting."

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Like, "Kids will come up to you."
I was like, "Keep talking."

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Like, kids… kids hadn't come up to me.

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This was the most exciting
social development

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of my childhood.

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"Kids are gonna come up to you.
They're gonna offer you crank…

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[laughter]

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…and boomers,

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and angel dust."

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I was like, "Angel dust?"

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I was a sixth-grade altar boy. I was like,

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[yelling] "I shall try this angel dust!"

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"Soar to the heavens
aside my Lord Jesus Christ!"

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[audience laughing]

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[in normal voice] To this day,
I have not been offered crank,

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[laughter]

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…nor angel dust,

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nor… nor any-- I mean, nor even cocaine.

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I've nev-- I've never seen cocaine.

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Sometimes people don't even believe it
when I say that. I work in nightclubs.

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Not once has someone thought,
"We should show it to Mike."

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[audience laughing]

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It's like, "What do I look like? I…"

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That's how people see me.

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I was in Washington Square Park
the other day,

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and this stranger
was walking in front of me,

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and someone said to that stranger,

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"You got an undercover cop
walking behind you." And…

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[audience laughing]

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And then he looked back at me,

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and I looked behind me,

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and there was no one there.

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[laughter]

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And I said to this stranger, I go, "No."

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[audience laughing]

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Which is exactly
what an undercover cop would say.

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[exhales]

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So I don't, you know--
I've never used recreational drugs.

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In college, my friends would smoke pot,

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but I was the least fun person
to smoke with.

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I was the guy who was like,
"Do you guys hate me?"

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"Why does my heart hurt?"

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"Is that rickets? Who's at the door
Who's at the door? Who's at the door?"

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Like, I just wasn't a good hang,

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and so I just veered away
from all that, and…

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[laughter]

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But I use prescription drugs.

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I don't want to, but I have to,

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because I have
a serious sleepwalking disorder.

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About 20 years ago,

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I sleepwalked
through a second-story window

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of a La Quinta Inn

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in Walla Walla, Washington.

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True story.

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And when you do that once,

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they always bring it up
when you go to the doctor, and…

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[laughter]

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I was diagnosed 20 years ago
with this very rare condition

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called REM sleep behavior disorder.

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And I've talked about it so much
in my comedy specials,

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that when you go to med school,
and you study sleep disorders, in the DSM,

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the example of REM behavior disorder

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is me.

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[audience laughing]

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[audience cheering]

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My dad is a doctor.

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He wanted me to go to med school,
and I didn't…

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but I'm in there.

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[laughter]

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I basically teach.

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[audience laughing]

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I went to my sleep doctor
a couple years ago and mentioned this.

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I go, "You know in the DSM,
I'm the example of RBD."

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And he goes, "That's not good."

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[laughter]

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I go, "What do you mean?"

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"We did it."

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[laughter]

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He goes, "The problem is
that I'm not entirely convinced

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that's exactly what you have."

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And I said, "We're going to have
to write a mass email…

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[laughter]

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…because there's a lot of people
walking around this earth

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thinking they have Mike Birbiglia disease,

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and Mike Birbiglia might not have it."

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Can you imagine if Lou Gehrig…

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[audience laughing]

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…was like,
"Actually, I'm feeling pretty good."

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"I think I might play baseball again."

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People would have been furious.

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[laughter]

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That's right.
I just compared myself to Lou Gehrig.

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[audience laughing, applauding]

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The reason I bring up the sleepwalking

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is that 20 years ago, I get diagnosed
with REM sleep behavior disorder,

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and they put me on Klonopin.

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And I recently went to a new doctor,
and she's looking at my chart,

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and she goes,
"You've been on Klonopin for 20 years?"

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And I go, "Yeah."
And she goes, "All right."

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And I was…

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[laughter]

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That is not what you want to hear
when you go to the doctor.

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I go, "Are you concerned?"

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She goes, "Do you know the side effects?"

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I go, "I don't know."

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She goes, "Depression, loss of memory,
poor motor skills…"

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I said, "I just thought
that was my personality."

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-Like it's…
-[laughter]

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It's a strange moment in one's life

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when you realize
your personality is side effects.

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[laughter]

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Because then I'm just self-conscious
about all my daily activities.

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Like, one thing I do
every night before bed

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is my dosage of Klonopin
is one-and-a-half milligrams,

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and so I have to break a pill
precisely in half, yeah.

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You know who shouldn't have
a precision task like that?

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[laughter]

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Someone with poor motor skills.

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Because, inevitably, I break it in half,

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and there's a pile of Klonopin dust
on the sink,

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and then I'm depressed,

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and I'm crying into the…

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into the dust,

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and the tears are merging
to form a Klonopin sorbet,

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and then I… I lick up…

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[laughter]

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…what I perceive to be a half a milligram…

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but definitely isn't a half a milligram.

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So how do I explain that to my daughter?

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[audience laughing]

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[audience cheering, applauding]

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That's the good life.
Yeah, that's the good stuff.

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There are so many things I feel
like I can't explain to my daughter.

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She's nine years old,
and it's just getting harder,

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because when they're younger,
it sort of doesn't matter.

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Like, they're an animated bag of rice,

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and you just gotta make sure
they stay animated.

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And then, even when they're toddlers,

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it's a lot of layups.

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"What's that?"
"That's an egg. I'm a genius." You know?

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But…

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And my wife doesn't know
that much stuff either.

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She's a poet. I'm a comedian.

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Together, we're a sculptor.

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-[laughter]
-We… you know, we just don't know a lot.

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I mean,
we've read hundreds of books about leaves.

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We can't…

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[laughter]

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We can't explain leaves that well.

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And…

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And it just started to become
very clear to me about a year ago

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because I get a call from my mom,

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and she said, "Dad was sick this week,

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and I tried to get him to go
to his doctor, but he wouldn't go."

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"And then yesterday,
he fell down in the bathtub,

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and I called 911,

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and the ambulance took him into the ER,
and it turned out he had had a stroke."

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And I get off the phone,

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and I'm alone in my bedroom,

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and I go into my closet,
and I'm just sort of organizing things,

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and I just start crying alone.

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And my daughter Oona comes in,
and she goes, "Dad, what's wrong?"

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And I go, "Well, Grandpa had a stroke."

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And she says, "Dad, what's a stroke?"

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[audience laughs]

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And that's when I realized…

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[audience laughing]

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I can't really explain what a stroke is.

238
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[laughter]

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I took a swing.

240
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I mean…

241
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:09,895
I know the bullet points.

242
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You know, I go, "It's a brain injury,
and there's bleeding in your brain."

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00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:18,863
And then it was a lot of free association
after that, you know.

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00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:19,947
[laughter]

245
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I was like, "Your brain is bleeding,

246
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:27,913
and… I'm not sure where the blood was,

247
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but I think it was, like, in the vessels,

248
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and they're sort of all in there,
you know, and…

249
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,006
but now, it's just, you know, everywhere."

250
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,635
"I think. And…

251
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:48,142
I mean, in a way, our whole body
is sort of filled with blood."

252
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:54,064
"There's gallons and gallons of blood
all over your body."

253
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,692
"In a way, we're bleeding at all times."

254
00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:00,154
"Maybe ask your mom about that."

255
00:13:00,237 --> 00:13:01,322
[laughter]

256
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,533
"Or Grandpa."

257
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,953
"But not this week, you know." And…

258
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,371
[laughter]

259
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,708
So Oona goes,
"Is Grandpa Vin going to be okay?"

260
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:16,504
And I go, "I don't know.
I'm going to go home tonight."

261
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:20,049
So that night, I drove
to Providence, Rhode Island,

262
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,091
to the hospital,

263
00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:25,304
and I take the elevator up
to the eighth floor,

264
00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:31,060
to the stroke unit, and I see my dad,
and he's just a shell of himself.

265
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:35,105
He can't move half of his body,
and he can't really speak.

266
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:38,442
And the neurologist came in,
and she goes, "Vince!"

267
00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:41,695
"We're going to do a spinal tap."

268
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:45,991
My dad happens to be
a retired neurologist.

269
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,495
So from the condition he was in,

270
00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:55,125
he suggested a type of spinal tap.

271
00:13:55,209 --> 00:14:00,256
He goes, "Guided spinal tap."

272
00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:02,758
Which is impressive.

273
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:08,722
But also a good example
of how controlling my dad is.

274
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:09,765
I'm…

275
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:10,933
[laughter]

276
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,727
I'm watching a half-dead neurologist

277
00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:17,648
tell a fully-alive neurologist

278
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:18,732
[audience laughing]

279
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:20,693
…how to do her job.

280
00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:24,655
I mean, that is next-level mansplaining.

281
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:25,656
I mean, that is…

282
00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:26,699
[laughter]

283
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:28,492
…that's dead-mansplaining.

284
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:32,997
If you don't…
If you don't know the term "mansplain,"

285
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:38,419
it's when a man explains to a woman
something she might understand better

286
00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:39,837
than the man.

287
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,008
I'm not explaining it to you.
I'm conveying it.

288
00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:47,928
I am "man-veying," and…

289
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,682
[laughter]

290
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,729
It was devastating
seeing my dad in this condition,

291
00:14:56,812 --> 00:14:58,397
because when I was a kid,

292
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,610
I always viewed my dad
as larger than life.

293
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,654
He was almost
like a mythological creature.

294
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,325
In a way, I sort of wanted to be my dad

295
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,660
because he knew so much stuff.

296
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,579
He was a doctor,

297
00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:17,207
and in his free time,
he got his law degree.

298
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:18,834
Yeah.

299
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,212
That's how much
he didn't want to be a dad.

300
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:23,380
He was like…

301
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,090
[audience laughing, applauding]

302
00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:30,429
He was like,
"What could I do in these slots of time

303
00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:33,015
when I would be parenting?"

304
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:34,350
[laughter]

305
00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:37,811
In fairness, we weren't great kids.

306
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:40,230
We always wanted a dad…

307
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:42,983
[audience laughing]

308
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,528
and he wanted another secondary degree.

309
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:50,240
So our goals were at odds.

310
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:51,659
[laughter]

311
00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:59,959
I never saw that side of my dad, you know?

312
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,920
Sometimes when I was a kid,
strangers would come up to me.

313
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:06,173
They'd be like, [in Worcester accent]
"Your dad is a great doctor."

314
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,425
I'd be like, "All right," you know.

315
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:11,136
From Worcester, Massachusetts,
that's how everyone talks.

316
00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:14,181
[in Massachusetts accent]
"Your dad is a great doctor."

317
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,851
"All right, you know, he's not my dad."

318
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,980
I mean, he is my dad. That was Freudian.

319
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,690
[laughter]

320
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,822
I don't know
if that will make it in the special.

321
00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:31,156
[laughter]

322
00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:35,202
The whole show is about my dad.
"He's not my dad."

323
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,872
"What was that first part
where he said it's not his dad?"

324
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:42,584
"Is this going to twist
into the ending of Chinatown?"

325
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:43,836
[laughter]

326
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,465
He wasn't my…

327
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:51,760
He wasn't my doctor.

328
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:54,847
[audience laughing, cheering]

329
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,311
Someone came to me recently,
I was walking Oona home from school,

330
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,814
and they said, "I love your comedy."
I said, "Thanks."

331
00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:06,525
They look at Oona and go,
"Your dad's a great comedian."

332
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:08,610
She was like, "All right."
Know what I mean?

333
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,946
I was like, "I know what you mean."

334
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,741
And we walk a few blocks.

335
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,577
I go, "Oona, what do you think
when people say that stuff?"

336
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:19,705
And she goes, "It's a waste of my time."
And I was like…

337
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:20,831
[laughter]

338
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:25,169
…that's the meanest thing
anyone has ever said to me,

339
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,171
and I know Bill Burr.

340
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:28,589
[laughter]

341
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:38,057
It's very rare
that I would see my dad being a doctor.

342
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:41,268
I remember one time--
I played soccer when I was a kid.

343
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:45,105
I was the goalie, and one time
I dove head-first for the ball,

344
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,525
and I got to it,
and then the kid on the other team

345
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,611
kicked my head…

346
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:52,196
-[audience gasps]
-I know.

347
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,283
With the intensity
he had intended for the ball.

348
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,828
And I don't know the rest of the story,

349
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:00,913
[laughter]

350
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:05,793
but I have been told
that I hopped up and was like, "I'm good,"

351
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,588
and they took my word for it,
and they kept me in the game.

352
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:15,552
And about 15 minutes later,
I just wander off the field…

353
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:16,720
[laughter]

354
00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:22,351
[audience cheering, applauding]

355
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:26,772
…onto another field.

356
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,483
[audience cheering and oohing]

357
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:35,030
My teammates ran over,
and they go, "Mike, are you okay?"

358
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:39,743
And I said to them, and I quote,
I go, "What are we even doing here?"

359
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,078
[laughter]

360
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:49,253
And my dad ran onto the field,
and he picked me up,

361
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:51,338
and he carried me off,
and he drove me home,

362
00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:55,050
and he asked me all the questions
that doctors ask their patients,

363
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,762
"What's your middle name?
What are the classes you take at school?"

364
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:01,014
I was like,
"Okay, this is what my dad does."

365
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:04,226
And then the other time, when it came up,

366
00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:07,521
is that I went to Saint Mary School
for grade school,

367
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:11,400
in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts.
Every Friday night, we had science club,

368
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:14,945
which is kind of like a mafia front
for Catholic school.

369
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:18,365
Like, "We believe
Jesus turned water into wine,

370
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:22,494
and also, there were dinosaurs,"
you know? And…

371
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:23,620
[laughter]

372
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,084
So every Friday night,

373
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:34,131
it's like a different parent explaining…
what science has to do with their job.

374
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:36,216
And one night, it was going to be my dad.

375
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,595
And I was so nervous.
I was like, "What's he going to say?"

376
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:43,557
"He doesn't know anything about science."

377
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,892
[laughter]

378
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:53,442
And he came in,
and he brought his medical tools,

379
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:56,695
and he took them out one by one
and explained what each of them does.

380
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:59,656
He took out a three-dimensional model
of the brain,

381
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:02,284
explained the hemispheres of the brain,

382
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,369
and all these kids
came up to me afterwards,

383
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,997
like, "Your dad is wicked smart."

384
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:10,083
"You have the smartest dad."

385
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,127
I was like, "Yeah,

386
00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:15,088
I do have the smartest dad."

387
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,215
[laughter]

388
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:20,093
"But how come he didn't explain
any of that stuff to me sooner?"

389
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,178
[laughter]

390
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,764
Because I didn't see a lot of that.

391
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:27,726
What I'd see of my dad, he'd come home
from work around eight o'clock at night,

392
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:30,687
and he'd sit in the corner
of the living room, read a war novel,

393
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:31,772
and scowl.

394
00:20:32,439 --> 00:20:33,607
[audience laughing]

395
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,571
And every now and then,
he'd sort of fly off the handle

396
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:40,781
about some little thing.

397
00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:44,243
He'd be like, [yelling]
"Where are my goddamn keys?!" You know.

398
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,913
I'd be like, "We gotta find Dad's keys!"

399
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:48,914
[laughter]

400
00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:52,209
Spent my whole life
looking for those keys.

401
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,462
Jumped through a window to get those keys.

402
00:20:55,545 --> 00:20:57,464
[audience laughing, applauding]

403
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,592
My dad would not like that joke.

404
00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:01,802
[laughter]

405
00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:07,808
We'd look for the keys,
and then my mom would just pray.

406
00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:11,186
She'd be like,
"I'm gonna say a prayer to Saint Anthony."

407
00:21:11,895 --> 00:21:14,940
I was seven. I was like,
"I don't think this is gonna work."

408
00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:15,899
[laughter]

409
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:19,152
"We need more concrete tactics
to locate the keys."

410
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:20,279
[laughter]

411
00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:23,657
If you don't know
the Christian Saint Anthony…

412
00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:25,867
he's sort of the finding-stuff guy…

413
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:26,952
[laughter]

414
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,205
…which feels like a bum deal
as a saint. It's…

415
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,458
'Cause it's hard to become a saint.

416
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,460
You gotta perform three miracles,

417
00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:39,339
they have to verify the miracles,
you know?

418
00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:42,759
A lot of…
A lot of dark money in that space.

419
00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:46,513
A lot of, "Yeah, I saw it."

420
00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:47,723
[laughter]

421
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:53,562
And then they get canonized,
if you're lucky,

422
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:58,025
and chances are you find out
five minutes before you die, you know?

423
00:21:58,108 --> 00:22:01,028
They're like,
"Great news! You're a saint!"

424
00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:02,821
You're like, "Ah!" You know?

425
00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:06,074
"One last thing.
You gotta find everybody's keys."

426
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,285
You're like, "No!" And then you're dead.

427
00:22:08,368 --> 00:22:09,494
[laughter]

428
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:19,254
So I'm with my dad in March
at the hospital, and it's devastating.

429
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:21,882
If you've been with someone
who's had a stroke,

430
00:22:21,965 --> 00:22:24,426
it's the worst thing
you can possibly imagine.

431
00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:27,137
But I will say,
if I'm being completely honest,

432
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:30,557
it has calmed him down.

433
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,100
[laughter]

434
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,603
Stay with me.
Most of the jokes are for you,

435
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:36,271
but a few of them are for me.

436
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:39,149
This is a… This is a coping mechanism.

437
00:22:39,232 --> 00:22:40,984
I hope it is for you too.

438
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:42,110
[laughter]

439
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:50,035
I mean, most of the time,
this is horrific,

440
00:22:50,118 --> 00:22:54,247
but then every once in a while, I'm like,
"Where was the stroke when I was five?"

441
00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:55,582
You know what I mean?

442
00:22:55,665 --> 00:22:56,750
[laughter]

443
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:01,963
When I was a kid, he'd be like,
"Where are my goddamn keys?!"

444
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,633
Now he's like, "Keys." And I'm like…

445
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:08,136
I can't say I don't prefer the latter.

446
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:11,640
It is a little more polite.

447
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:16,144
Stay with me. It is my dad.

448
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:17,604
I'm allowed.

449
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,691
It would be weird
if it was your dad, you know?

450
00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:25,195
I came out here and was like,
"This guy's dad is like, 'Keys!'"

451
00:23:25,278 --> 00:23:28,156
You'd be like,
"Mike has really crossed a line."

452
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,116
[laughter]

453
00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:33,078
The most perverse insult-comic
of all time.

454
00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:37,582
"The roast of Mike Birbiglia's
audience members' ailing parents!"

455
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:38,625
[laughter]

456
00:23:42,170 --> 00:23:45,799
So I'm with my dad
in March at the hospital,

457
00:23:45,882 --> 00:23:48,051
and then he can't
even really move his face,

458
00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:50,720
and so the only way
I can understand his expression

459
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:52,097
is through his eyes.

460
00:23:54,391 --> 00:23:55,934
And the expression

461
00:23:56,768 --> 00:23:57,978
in his eyes

462
00:23:58,937 --> 00:23:59,813
is fear.

463
00:24:02,816 --> 00:24:05,193
So how do I explain that to my daughter?

464
00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:08,280
That's not the good life.

465
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:13,243
So a few days later, I drive home,

466
00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:15,579
and I take my daughter

467
00:24:15,662 --> 00:24:18,165
to one of her friend's birthday parties
that weekend.

468
00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:21,251
I go to probably 200-300
children's birthday parties a year.

469
00:24:21,334 --> 00:24:22,461
[laughter]

470
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:24,838
It's a huge part of my life. I…

471
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:26,756
My daughter has six friends.

472
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,010
Last year, I went
to 235 children's birthday parties.

473
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:31,094
[laughter]

474
00:24:31,761 --> 00:24:36,850
The birthday party industrial complex
has grown wildly out of control.

475
00:24:38,685 --> 00:24:42,022
It's my least favorite part of my life.
I really…

476
00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:44,566
I don't like it, 'cause…

477
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:48,195
'Cause I just don't like
my daughter's friends.

478
00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:50,071
Am I allowed to say that?

479
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:51,281
I don't even know.

480
00:24:51,990 --> 00:24:52,949
[laughter]

481
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:55,911
I love my daughter
more than anything in the world.

482
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:58,246
I don't like her friends. I don't know…

483
00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:00,373
[laughter]

484
00:25:01,541 --> 00:25:05,295
I don't know if you've spent a lot of time
with nine-year-olds

485
00:25:05,378 --> 00:25:07,005
you're not related to.

486
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:09,841
This is an insufferable bunch.

487
00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:12,177
When I'm with her friends, I'm like,

488
00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:15,597
"This makes me
really not understand pedophilia."

489
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:17,098
Stay with me.

490
00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:18,642
I'm gonna…

491
00:25:18,725 --> 00:25:23,104
I'm gonna tiptoe through this minefield…
of a topic.

492
00:25:23,897 --> 00:25:27,734
You're like, "We weren't with you
for the stroke stuff." I…

493
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,069
[audience laughing]

494
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:37,369
Obviously, I'm evoking
the most heinous of crimes,

495
00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:40,997
but when I'm with her friends,
I'm like, "I don't even get the hook."

496
00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:42,457
"I don't get the sell."

497
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:43,583
[laughter]

498
00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:47,379
Who would want to spend
any meaningful amount of time

499
00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:48,380
with these people?

500
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:51,925
I mean, these are our worst and dumbest.

501
00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:57,097
Stay with me. I… I have examples.

502
00:25:57,180 --> 00:25:58,056
So…

503
00:25:58,139 --> 00:25:59,307
[laughter]

504
00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:10,360
I'll give you an example.
So we're driving to this birthday party,

505
00:26:10,443 --> 00:26:14,072
and it's me and Jenny,

506
00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:16,700
my wife Jenny, our daughter Oona,

507
00:26:16,783 --> 00:26:20,120
and then one of her friends,
and then the friend's dad.

508
00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:21,538
And the dads are losers.

509
00:26:21,621 --> 00:26:23,707
Can we talk about the dads for a second?

510
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:27,002
Not me, the other dad.
I mean, they're nothing like me.

511
00:26:27,085 --> 00:26:28,086
I mean…

512
00:26:28,169 --> 00:26:29,212
[laughter]

513
00:26:31,548 --> 00:26:33,717
…they're all just dead in the eyes,

514
00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:37,053
they've recently developed a stutter,
they storm into a room,

515
00:26:37,137 --> 00:26:40,557
"If anyone asks,
tell them I tried to find oat milk."

516
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,225
You know what I mean?

517
00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:43,435
[laughter]

518
00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:46,813
They're always
desperately seeking an alibi

519
00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:49,941
for a misdemeanor
I'm not familiar with, and…

520
00:26:52,861 --> 00:26:55,196
So we're with one of the dads.
His name is Rob.

521
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,781
It's one of our good friends.

522
00:26:56,865 --> 00:27:01,119
-Jenny and I call him Broccoli Rob, and…
-[audience laughing]

523
00:27:01,202 --> 00:27:02,454
Thanks for laughing.

524
00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,250
We think it's hilarious.
Broccoli hasn't laughed once.

525
00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:10,170
We've called him this hundreds of times,

526
00:27:10,253 --> 00:27:13,006
which I think is technically bullying.

527
00:27:13,089 --> 00:27:15,925
So it's me,

528
00:27:17,177 --> 00:27:19,804
Jenny, Oona, Broccoli,

529
00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:24,100
and then Broccoli's son Arrow,
which is a name.

530
00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,311
I mean, we live in Brooklyn.

531
00:27:26,394 --> 00:27:28,521
It's not the only Arrow we know.

532
00:27:28,605 --> 00:27:31,483
We know a quiver of Arrows.

533
00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:32,525
We know…

534
00:27:32,609 --> 00:27:33,693
[audience laughing]

535
00:27:34,986 --> 00:27:36,905
a murder of Beaus. I mean…

536
00:27:38,573 --> 00:27:41,868
So we're driving to the birthday party,
we stop at this bakery,

537
00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:44,329
and this is what drives me nuts
about nine-year-olds.

538
00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:49,125
Arrow says to his dad,
"Dad, I don't want 'wosemawy' ciabatta."

539
00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:51,002
[audience laughing]

540
00:27:57,842 --> 00:28:00,553
"I want 'wegular' ciabatta!"

541
00:28:00,637 --> 00:28:01,805
[audience laughing]

542
00:28:02,305 --> 00:28:04,849
I wanted to say to this kid,
"Look, Arrow."

543
00:28:04,933 --> 00:28:06,226
[laughter]

544
00:28:06,309 --> 00:28:08,895
"Life is going to serve you
all kinds of ciabatta."

545
00:28:08,978 --> 00:28:10,271
[audience laughing]

546
00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:14,442
"If you want to remain true to yourself,
hold out for the 'wegular.'"

547
00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:15,652
[audience laughing]

548
00:28:17,737 --> 00:28:22,951
So we get the "wegular" ciabatta,
and we drive from the bakery

549
00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:25,829
to this place called Urban Air,

550
00:28:26,329 --> 00:28:29,499
which, if you don't--
Yeah, if you don't know these places,

551
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:32,961
it's like a birthday party factory.

552
00:28:33,044 --> 00:28:37,757
It's like… It's like a warehouse
with, like, trampolines and ice cream,

553
00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:42,387
and those sticks from American Gladiators
that kids can whack each other with,

554
00:28:42,470 --> 00:28:44,639
and the moment you enter,

555
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:47,225
you have to sign a stack of forms,

556
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:51,146
because they know
your child is about to be injured.

557
00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:54,357
And they get real specific.

558
00:28:54,441 --> 00:28:57,944
It's like, "Your daughter is about to be
stuck under a rusty trampoline."

559
00:28:58,027 --> 00:28:59,237
"Mike Birbiglia."

560
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,865
"She may jump so high,
her head is stuck in the rafters."

561
00:29:01,948 --> 00:29:03,074
"Mike Birbiglia."

562
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,161
"She may throw up on a rusty trampoline."

563
00:29:06,244 --> 00:29:08,663
"You have to clean it up
with your own mop and bucket,

564
00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:10,832
available for purchase
at the Urban Air store."

565
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:11,916
"Mike Birbiglia."

566
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:13,168
[laughter]

567
00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:15,503
As you're filling out these forms,

568
00:29:16,254 --> 00:29:17,922
the loudspeaker is like,

569
00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:21,885
"Angelina's birthday party in room 571."

570
00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:27,223
"Joshua's birthday party in room 1,310."

571
00:29:27,307 --> 00:29:28,433
[laughter]

572
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:33,897
It's like the Seventh Circle of Hell,
and all I want to do is go home.

573
00:29:35,023 --> 00:29:37,859
Fortunately, our daughter
is injured almost immediately,

574
00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:38,985
and I say…

575
00:29:39,068 --> 00:29:41,070
[audience laughing]

576
00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:43,698
I say "fortunately"
not because I wish this upon anyone,

577
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:45,200
never mind my own child,

578
00:29:46,951 --> 00:29:49,662
but if it's going to happen,
you want it early,

579
00:29:49,746 --> 00:29:52,248
so you can beat the Urban Air rush.

580
00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:58,797
So… I drive Jenny and Oona
from Urban Air to urgent care…

581
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:00,048
[audience laughing]

582
00:30:02,550 --> 00:30:04,427
…which might as well have a shuttle bus.

583
00:30:04,511 --> 00:30:09,265
There were a lot of familiar faces
over there, and…

584
00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:10,600
[laughter]

585
00:30:15,438 --> 00:30:18,525
I'm not entirely convinced
there should be urgent care.

586
00:30:18,608 --> 00:30:19,442
I just…

587
00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:23,988
I'm not sure what they do, exactly.

588
00:30:24,072 --> 00:30:29,494
I think they created this thing
because someone was having a panic attack,

589
00:30:29,577 --> 00:30:32,288
and they were like,
[yelling] "I need care!"

590
00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:34,666
Someone's like, "When?"

591
00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:36,042
[yelling] "Now!"

592
00:30:36,125 --> 00:30:37,210
[laughter]

593
00:30:37,877 --> 00:30:41,256
Some well-meaning person was like,
"I own this empty building,

594
00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:45,510
and we can paint the word 'Urgent Care'
on the side,

595
00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:48,930
and I'll open my laptop to WebMD.com."

596
00:30:49,013 --> 00:30:51,641
That's all it is, right?

597
00:30:51,724 --> 00:30:56,688
I mean,
urgent care is the Urban Air of medicine.

598
00:30:56,771 --> 00:30:57,856
[audience laughing]

599
00:30:58,439 --> 00:31:01,025
Four weeks a year, it's a Halloween store.

600
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:03,111
I think that's a red flag.

601
00:31:03,820 --> 00:31:04,821
[laughter]

602
00:31:06,239 --> 00:31:08,032
We go in. We're frazzled.

603
00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:12,120
We're like, "Our daughter came down wrong
on the trampoline on her foot."

604
00:31:12,203 --> 00:31:14,706
And they were like,
"She should probably see a doctor."

605
00:31:14,789 --> 00:31:17,458
And we're like, "That's why we came here."

606
00:31:17,542 --> 00:31:20,503
And they're like,
"No, we don't know any doctors."

607
00:31:21,212 --> 00:31:22,505
[audience laughing]

608
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:29,762
So they sent us
to a pediatric orthopedist.

609
00:31:29,846 --> 00:31:32,599
First thing she says,
"I think Oona should have an X-ray."

610
00:31:32,682 --> 00:31:36,394
Oona looks at me,
she goes, "Dad, what's an X-ray?"

611
00:31:39,439 --> 00:31:40,565
[laughter]

612
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:44,694
And I took a swing, you know.
I said, "Well…

613
00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:50,199
you go in this machine,
and then there's these rays…

614
00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:51,951
[laughter]

615
00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:58,958
…and the rays go through your skin…

616
00:31:59,500 --> 00:32:00,543
[laughter]

617
00:32:01,419 --> 00:32:02,962
and they look around…

618
00:32:03,046 --> 00:32:04,422
[audience laughing]

619
00:32:05,381 --> 00:32:06,841
…at your bones, right?"

620
00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:09,969
"And then they come back, I think,

621
00:32:10,053 --> 00:32:13,598
and, you know, I don't know how
they'd know how to come back,

622
00:32:13,681 --> 00:32:15,934
but fingers crossed."

623
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:19,395
"And then we hire an artist,

624
00:32:19,479 --> 00:32:22,690
and the artist draws the bones based on…

625
00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:26,235
what the rays have said."

626
00:32:26,736 --> 00:32:27,779
[laughter]

627
00:32:29,238 --> 00:32:32,200
"And it all takes place
in that room right there."

628
00:32:33,284 --> 00:32:34,744
"Mom and I will be out here."

629
00:32:34,827 --> 00:32:38,873
"We are not allowed
anywhere near what is about to happen."

630
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:42,669
"It is… way too dangerous."

631
00:32:42,752 --> 00:32:43,586
"I…"

632
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:44,629
[audience laughing]

633
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,424
"There will be technicians
in there with you."

634
00:32:48,508 --> 00:32:50,593
"They will wear bulletproof vests."

635
00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:54,681
"You will not be wearing one.
Don't think too hard about that."

636
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:55,598
"And…

637
00:32:57,141 --> 00:32:59,268
take it away, fellas." So…

638
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:00,770
[laughter]

639
00:33:03,314 --> 00:33:06,734
So she's worried, and for good reason,

640
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:09,237
because the doctor came out
a few minutes later,

641
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,448
she goes, "Oona broke
one of the bones in her foot,

642
00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:15,034
and so we're going to put a cast on her."

643
00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:17,912
And so the cast was on
for about two months.

644
00:33:17,996 --> 00:33:20,498
And when your daughter breaks her foot,

645
00:33:20,581 --> 00:33:23,876
it's really like the whole family
has broken your collective foot,

646
00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:27,547
because you've got to come up
with a lot of foot-free activities.

647
00:33:27,630 --> 00:33:32,677
Like, "What about sitting on couch,
or stewing with anger?"

648
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:33,845
And…

649
00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:34,804
[laughter]

650
00:33:35,471 --> 00:33:37,056
Oona was angry about Arrow

651
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,142
'cause he jumped in front of her
on the trampoline.

652
00:33:39,225 --> 00:33:40,643
I was angry about Urban Air.

653
00:33:40,727 --> 00:33:43,688
At my lowest point,
I was like, "We should sue Urban Air."

654
00:33:44,355 --> 00:33:48,693
And then I remembered
all the paperwork we had signed

655
00:33:48,776 --> 00:33:51,696
that explicitly stated
we would never sue Urban Air.

656
00:33:51,779 --> 00:33:55,408
But what the forms don't mention
is anything about me discussing Urban Air

657
00:33:55,491 --> 00:33:57,452
in the context of a comedy show.

658
00:33:57,535 --> 00:33:58,369
So…

659
00:33:58,453 --> 00:33:59,412
[audience cheering]

660
00:33:59,495 --> 00:34:02,206
…if I showed up
at the Beacon Theatre tonight

661
00:34:03,082 --> 00:34:06,836
and said,
"Urban Air shouldn't be a company,"

662
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:08,546
you would know that's a joke.

663
00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:11,132
That's not how I feel about Urban Air.

664
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:12,383
[audience laughing]

665
00:34:12,467 --> 00:34:18,056
I think it's a fantastic company
that injures children 365 days a year,

666
00:34:18,139 --> 00:34:20,308
which is comedic hyperbole.

667
00:34:20,391 --> 00:34:21,517
[audience laughing]

668
00:34:25,605 --> 00:34:27,273
If I came out here tonight and said,

669
00:34:27,356 --> 00:34:30,860
"Guns don't kill people.
Urban Air kills people,"

670
00:34:30,943 --> 00:34:32,403
[audience laughing]

671
00:34:32,487 --> 00:34:33,404
…you would know

672
00:34:33,488 --> 00:34:37,366
that's the perfect example of satire,
Your Honor, and…

673
00:34:37,450 --> 00:34:38,576
[laughter]

674
00:34:39,952 --> 00:34:45,958
But the Urban Air, urgent care situation
really… really hung a lantern

675
00:34:46,042 --> 00:34:49,253
on how few things
I feel like I can explain to my daughter.

676
00:34:49,337 --> 00:34:55,093
I mean, I can't explain strokes
or X-rays or drugs.

677
00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:59,180
Uh, increasingly, we have to explain sex,
younger and younger,

678
00:34:59,263 --> 00:35:04,102
because everyone's devices in your pockets
have access now to porn.

679
00:35:04,185 --> 00:35:06,896
So now we have to also explain porn,

680
00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:10,483
which, you know,
I can hit the bullet points, but…

681
00:35:10,566 --> 00:35:11,692
[laughter]

682
00:35:12,443 --> 00:35:14,237
…I'm hazy on the genres.

683
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:15,196
Uh--

684
00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:22,120
Even the simpler of genres,
like homemade porn, I'm confounded by.

685
00:35:22,203 --> 00:35:26,499
After I have sex, all I can think is,
"At least no one saw that." You know?

686
00:35:26,582 --> 00:35:27,583
[laughter]

687
00:35:27,667 --> 00:35:30,294
I'm never like,
[yelling] "How were we not rolling?"

688
00:35:30,378 --> 00:35:31,754
[audience laughing]

689
00:35:32,463 --> 00:35:34,132
"All right, go again."

690
00:35:34,215 --> 00:35:36,008
"It's going to be 40 minutes."

691
00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:38,094
[audience laughing]

692
00:35:42,723 --> 00:35:44,559
I didn't have a sex talk growing up.

693
00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:48,146
When I was 12, I had hard nipples…

694
00:35:48,688 --> 00:35:49,647
[laughter]

695
00:35:50,231 --> 00:35:52,817
…which I'm aware isn't sex.

696
00:35:53,568 --> 00:35:54,819
[audience laughing]

697
00:35:55,778 --> 00:35:57,488
I had hard nipples, and…

698
00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:00,950
it's something that happens sometimes
during puberty.

699
00:36:01,033 --> 00:36:03,411
I say "sometimes"
because when I built up the courage

700
00:36:03,494 --> 00:36:05,955
to share this story
with my college roommate,

701
00:36:06,038 --> 00:36:08,249
he laughed for five minutes straight.

702
00:36:08,958 --> 00:36:12,253
At the end of the laughter,
he said to me, and I quote, he goes,

703
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,338
"I think that's just a you thing."

704
00:36:14,422 --> 00:36:16,424
[audience laughing]

705
00:36:21,387 --> 00:36:26,058
So when I was 12, I had hard nipples,
and I've always been a hypochondriac,

706
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:28,519
so I thought it was cancer.

707
00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:32,190
And if you know a hypochondriac,
you know I'm not exaggerating.

708
00:36:32,273 --> 00:36:34,066
I didn't think "maybe" it was cancer.

709
00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:35,985
I thought, "I have cancer."

710
00:36:37,111 --> 00:36:38,654
"What are the next steps?"

711
00:36:38,738 --> 00:36:39,822
[audience laughing]

712
00:36:39,906 --> 00:36:41,532
We didn't have urgent care…

713
00:36:41,616 --> 00:36:42,658
[laughter]

714
00:36:43,784 --> 00:36:45,828
…and I didn't know any doctors…

715
00:36:46,412 --> 00:36:48,414
[audience laughing]

716
00:36:50,708 --> 00:36:51,792
…other than my dad.

717
00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:53,211
And so,

718
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:57,465
one night, I walked into the living room,

719
00:36:57,548 --> 00:36:59,884
and he was just reading his war novel,

720
00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:02,553
and I go, "Hey, Dad,

721
00:37:03,971 --> 00:37:06,557
I think I might have cancer."

722
00:37:06,641 --> 00:37:07,767
[audience laughing]

723
00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:10,144
He goes, "Why do you think that?"

724
00:37:10,228 --> 00:37:11,604
[laughter]

725
00:37:12,897 --> 00:37:14,899
[audience laughing]

726
00:37:15,858 --> 00:37:17,652
I said, "I have hard nipples."

727
00:37:17,735 --> 00:37:19,320
[audience laughing]

728
00:37:19,403 --> 00:37:21,364
He said, "That's not a symptom."

729
00:37:21,447 --> 00:37:23,449
[audience laughing]

730
00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:27,203
I said, "See for yourself,"
and I took off my shirt.

731
00:37:27,286 --> 00:37:28,621
[laughter]

732
00:37:30,456 --> 00:37:33,125
My dad stood up, he walked over to me…

733
00:37:38,047 --> 00:37:40,216
and he felt my hard, hard nipples.

734
00:37:40,299 --> 00:37:41,384
[laughter]

735
00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:45,429
Which was nice.

736
00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:47,098
[audience laughing]

737
00:37:47,181 --> 00:37:48,015
Stay with me.

738
00:37:48,099 --> 00:37:51,978
I'm not from
a very physically-affectionate family. I…

739
00:37:52,478 --> 00:37:54,939
We don't say I love you. We don't hug.

740
00:37:57,566 --> 00:38:01,696
So when my dad caressed
my hard, hard nipples…

741
00:38:01,779 --> 00:38:02,989
[laughter]

742
00:38:04,824 --> 00:38:08,077
I distinctly remember thinking,
"It's not 'I love you,'

743
00:38:09,537 --> 00:38:10,705
but I'll take it."

744
00:38:10,788 --> 00:38:12,164
[audience laughing]

745
00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:17,378
And then my father, Dr. Vince Birbiglia,

746
00:38:17,461 --> 00:38:22,174
gave me the briefest medical diagnosis
I have received to this very day.

747
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:24,010
He goes, "Nope."

748
00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:26,762
[audience laughing]

749
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:32,059
And that was the end of the conversation.

750
00:38:33,185 --> 00:38:37,565
That was the closest to a sex talk
I would receive for the rest of my life.

751
00:38:37,648 --> 00:38:38,607
[laughter]

752
00:38:41,861 --> 00:38:45,448
We just weren't physically affectionate.
I mean, every now and then.

753
00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:47,616
I remember
when I was about five years old,

754
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:50,911
I was hypotonic,
which means I was dangerously dehydrated.

755
00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:52,496
And my mom told me this story.

756
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:55,958
Apparently, I was passed out,
and she picked me up, threw me in the car,

757
00:38:56,042 --> 00:38:57,460
drove me to the emergency room.

758
00:38:57,543 --> 00:39:00,713
She was a nurse, so she explained to them,
"My son is hypotonic."

759
00:39:00,796 --> 00:39:02,590
"He needs an IV immediately."

760
00:39:02,673 --> 00:39:05,301
They go, "We need you to fill out
these insurance forms."

761
00:39:05,384 --> 00:39:08,679
So she's manically filling out
these insurance forms,

762
00:39:08,763 --> 00:39:11,015
and then my dad
was working at the hospital,

763
00:39:11,098 --> 00:39:14,226
and he walked in,
and he surveyed the situation,

764
00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:17,855
and he goes… [yelling]
"Give that goddamn kid an IV!"

765
00:39:17,938 --> 00:39:20,024
[in normal voice] And they did it,

766
00:39:20,107 --> 00:39:26,155
which is a weird affirmation
of my dad's dysfunctional personality,

767
00:39:26,739 --> 00:39:30,868
because it worked,
and so I don't remember that whole thing.

768
00:39:30,951 --> 00:39:32,161
My mom explained it to me.

769
00:39:32,244 --> 00:39:35,373
But what I remember
is that I was admitted in the hospital

770
00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:36,374
for four days.

771
00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:40,544
And one day my dad came in,
and it was just me and him,

772
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:44,465
and he brought me a Curious George doll.

773
00:39:44,548 --> 00:39:47,802
It was about this big.
I kept it through my entire childhood.

774
00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:49,428
And he…

775
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:53,265
he just rubbed my shoulder

776
00:39:54,683 --> 00:39:56,519
for about 15 minutes.

777
00:39:59,313 --> 00:40:01,273
And it was the slightest gesture…

778
00:40:03,651 --> 00:40:05,236
and I still remember it.

779
00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:11,909
Jenny and I are the opposite
with our daughter.

780
00:40:11,992 --> 00:40:13,744
We are too much.

781
00:40:13,828 --> 00:40:15,204
Whatever too much is,

782
00:40:15,287 --> 00:40:18,541
we're going to find out
when she's an adult because…

783
00:40:18,624 --> 00:40:19,792
[audience laughing]

784
00:40:19,875 --> 00:40:23,003
…we say "I love you,"
we hug her, we squeeze her.

785
00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:25,714
Like we were at her ballet recital
a few years ago,

786
00:40:25,798 --> 00:40:28,801
and we're in the audience,
and we're just crying and crying,

787
00:40:29,301 --> 00:40:31,137
because she doesn't have it, you know?

788
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:32,179
And…

789
00:40:32,263 --> 00:40:33,722
[audience laughing]

790
00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:37,309
We're in the arts.
We have a sense for these things.

791
00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:41,230
There are a lot of early indicators, and…

792
00:40:42,606 --> 00:40:46,277
and we're crying because we've spent
thousands of dollars on the lessons,

793
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:49,363
and hundreds of hours
going to the rehearsals,

794
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:52,158
and she's not going pro.
It's not happening.

795
00:40:52,241 --> 00:40:53,159
[laughter]

796
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,662
No, we're crying
for all the right reasons.

797
00:40:56,745 --> 00:41:00,666
And I run up to her afterwards,
and I just squeeze her, and I go,

798
00:41:00,749 --> 00:41:03,919
"Oona, you were so fantastic!"

799
00:41:04,003 --> 00:41:09,258
And she goes,
"Dad, you would say I was fantastic

800
00:41:09,341 --> 00:41:11,927
even if I wasn't fantastic."

801
00:41:13,095 --> 00:41:13,929
I know.

802
00:41:14,638 --> 00:41:15,556
[laughter]

803
00:41:15,639 --> 00:41:18,642
I had to say to her,
I go, "That is so true."

804
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:19,810
[audience laughing]

805
00:41:20,394 --> 00:41:23,731
"You are so much better at logic
than you are at ballet."

806
00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:24,648
Now…

807
00:41:24,732 --> 00:41:26,066
[audience laughing]

808
00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:29,153
I left out that last snippet.

809
00:41:29,236 --> 00:41:33,324
I'm going to save that till when she's 15,
and she tells me I'm garbage,

810
00:41:33,407 --> 00:41:37,161
and I'm going to say, "I had
some candid thoughts about you as well…

811
00:41:37,244 --> 00:41:38,454
[audience laughing]

812
00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:42,374
…when you were seven,
that I withheld out of respect,

813
00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:47,046
but I did share with a group of strangers
at the Beacon Theatre in New York City."

814
00:41:47,129 --> 00:41:49,131
[audience cheering and oohing]

815
00:41:56,138 --> 00:42:00,476
We're very, you know, emotional,
but we do withhold certain things.

816
00:42:00,559 --> 00:42:01,977
Like I withhold anger.

817
00:42:02,061 --> 00:42:04,063
I experience anger, and I hold it in,

818
00:42:04,146 --> 00:42:06,649
because when I was a kid,
my dad would get angry,

819
00:42:07,441 --> 00:42:11,028
and I remember thinking,
"I'm never going to do that."

820
00:42:11,111 --> 00:42:14,490
Because kids don't know a lot,

821
00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:18,827
but they absorb everything.

822
00:42:19,662 --> 00:42:24,625
If you're selfish,
your kids know you're selfish.

823
00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:26,126
[laughter]

824
00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:29,046
If you're kind, they know you're kind.

825
00:42:29,672 --> 00:42:30,673
A few months ago,

826
00:42:30,756 --> 00:42:37,763
Oona noticed that when I had woken up,
that Jenny had made me pancake.

827
00:42:39,139 --> 00:42:40,724
[audience laughing]

828
00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:44,853
You heard that correctly. It was just one.

829
00:42:46,814 --> 00:42:48,607
She made me pancake,

830
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:49,817
[laughter]

831
00:42:50,359 --> 00:42:53,070
and I said, "Thank you for pancake."

832
00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:56,949
Because she's deeply familiar
with my health profile,

833
00:42:57,032 --> 00:43:00,286
so she knows the right amount
of pancakes for me to eat…

834
00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:03,455
is pancake.

835
00:43:03,539 --> 00:43:04,957
[audience laughing]

836
00:43:08,002 --> 00:43:12,923
So I wanted to do something nice for her,
because my love language is keeping score.

837
00:43:13,007 --> 00:43:15,342
[audience laughing, clapping]

838
00:43:15,926 --> 00:43:18,137
And if you're clapping, yours is too.

839
00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:21,307
And if you're not clapping, yours is too,

840
00:43:21,390 --> 00:43:22,600
and you're losing.

841
00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:26,645
You didn't know
there was a game going on. I…

842
00:43:28,939 --> 00:43:30,858
[chuckling] Last year, Jenny said to me,

843
00:43:30,941 --> 00:43:33,402
"Sometimes I feel
like you're keeping score."

844
00:43:33,485 --> 00:43:34,987
And I was like, "Right."

845
00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:38,032
Like, I'm not being coy about it.

846
00:43:38,115 --> 00:43:41,035
"What do you think
the whiteboard is for in the kitchen?"

847
00:43:41,118 --> 00:43:42,202
[laughter]

848
00:43:45,831 --> 00:43:48,375
I'm just not subtle about it.
I wish I were.

849
00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:51,962
Jenny describes me
as the narrator of our marriage

850
00:43:52,046 --> 00:43:53,964
whom no one asked for.

851
00:43:54,048 --> 00:43:56,050
[audience laughing]

852
00:43:57,676 --> 00:44:01,388
I'll be scrubbing dishes in the sink,
and I'll be like, "I'm doing the dishes,

853
00:44:01,472 --> 00:44:03,974
then I'm going to grab ice cream
for your parents,

854
00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:06,560
then I'll take the hair
out of the drain in the shower."

855
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:09,146
And she'll be like,
"You don't have to say all that."

856
00:44:09,229 --> 00:44:10,147
[laughter]

857
00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,359
"You can just do it,
and then it'll be done."

858
00:44:13,442 --> 00:44:15,152
"We don't have to talk about it."

859
00:44:15,736 --> 00:44:17,571
"Because I do a lot of stuff too."

860
00:44:18,364 --> 00:44:23,202
"I don't talk about it.
I just do it, and then it's done."

861
00:44:23,285 --> 00:44:24,370
[laughter]

862
00:44:24,453 --> 00:44:25,287
And I said,

863
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:28,290
"I'm gonna give you five points for that
here on the whiteboard."

864
00:44:28,999 --> 00:44:31,835
"You're still down by three.
It doesn't matter."

865
00:44:32,378 --> 00:44:33,379
[laughter]

866
00:44:36,298 --> 00:44:39,259
I keep score. Not proud of it.
Don't even know where it came from.

867
00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:41,762
I don't know
if I learned it from my parents…

868
00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:45,724
I don't know how to be married.

869
00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:48,394
[laughter]

870
00:44:48,477 --> 00:44:51,438
Like, no one taught me to be married.

871
00:44:51,522 --> 00:44:54,775
I'm just winging it, every day.

872
00:44:55,567 --> 00:44:58,404
My marriage doesn't look
anything like my parents' marriage.

873
00:44:58,487 --> 00:45:00,739
My parents would argue about stuff
all the time,

874
00:45:00,823 --> 00:45:03,742
and like, Jenny and I argue,
but it's different,

875
00:45:03,826 --> 00:45:05,327
because Jenny's an introvert.

876
00:45:05,411 --> 00:45:11,250
And so arguing with an introvert
is just reading into the silences…

877
00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:12,710
[audience laughing]

878
00:45:16,255 --> 00:45:21,343
…and deciding which of the silences
you want to have words.

879
00:45:21,427 --> 00:45:22,511
[laughter]

880
00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:26,432
We were walking to pick up Oona
the other day, and Jenny seemed quiet.

881
00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:29,476
I said, "What is it?" She goes, "Nothing."
But it wasn't nothing.

882
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:32,354
It was like one of those forks
in the road where I'm like,

883
00:45:32,438 --> 00:45:33,981
"Wait. Do I probe,

884
00:45:35,315 --> 00:45:37,025
or do I let it lie?"

885
00:45:40,070 --> 00:45:41,321
Does anyone know?

886
00:45:41,405 --> 00:45:42,489
[audience laughing]

887
00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:45,826
I've been married 16 years.
I have no idea.

888
00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:48,746
Has anybody--

889
00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:52,207
Who's been married a long time?
Shout out how many years.

890
00:45:52,291 --> 00:45:55,711
-[audience oohing, clapping]
-How many years have you been married?

891
00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:57,087
[man] Thirty-five.

892
00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:59,798
Thirty-five years.
Anyone longer than 35 years?

893
00:45:59,882 --> 00:46:01,925
-[man 2] Forty.
-Forty. How about you?

894
00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:03,510
[woman] Fifty-seven.

895
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:05,137
That's a lot. That--

896
00:46:05,220 --> 00:46:07,222
First of all, what's your name?

897
00:46:08,098 --> 00:46:08,932
-Anne?
-Yeah.

898
00:46:09,558 --> 00:46:11,769
-And what's your husband's name?
-Jan.

899
00:46:12,728 --> 00:46:15,689
Your husband's name is Jan?

900
00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:18,484
And your name is Anne?

901
00:46:18,567 --> 00:46:19,985
[laughter]

902
00:46:21,487 --> 00:46:23,489
-Okay. And…
-[audience laughing]

903
00:46:24,490 --> 00:46:27,201
I'm just getting that correctly?
Anne and Jan?

904
00:46:29,244 --> 00:46:30,579
Are you real people?

905
00:46:30,662 --> 00:46:33,957
-Are you… [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

906
00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:39,755
So Anne and Jan
have been married 57 years.

907
00:46:40,756 --> 00:46:43,967
By the way,
my parents have been married 60 years.

908
00:46:44,051 --> 00:46:45,677
Yeah. Too long, right?

909
00:46:45,761 --> 00:46:46,720
I mean…

910
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:50,474
When I was in my twenties,
I said to my mom

911
00:46:50,557 --> 00:46:52,226
something I'd held in for years.

912
00:46:52,309 --> 00:46:55,229
I go, "Mom, if you ever wanted
to divorce Dad,

913
00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:57,481
we would be okay with that."

914
00:46:57,564 --> 00:46:58,941
[audience laughing]

915
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:04,488
I thought she was going to be like,
"Thanks." You know what I mean?

916
00:47:04,571 --> 00:47:05,572
[laughter]

917
00:47:06,657 --> 00:47:09,117
But she said to me
something I'll never forget.

918
00:47:09,201 --> 00:47:11,411
She goes, "Michael,

919
00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:15,332
you cannot understand
someone else's marriage."

920
00:47:17,376 --> 00:47:18,961
Do you think that's true, Anne?

921
00:47:20,671 --> 00:47:22,089
[inaudible]

922
00:47:22,172 --> 00:47:24,174
Jan, do you think that's true?

923
00:47:27,886 --> 00:47:29,471
[audience laughing]

924
00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:30,806
Anne and Jan…

925
00:47:31,431 --> 00:47:32,516
[laughter]

926
00:47:33,267 --> 00:47:34,601
Or is it "Jan and Anne"?

927
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:37,938
So Anne and Jan…

928
00:47:40,232 --> 00:47:41,358
[laughter]

929
00:47:42,192 --> 00:47:45,445
…you are the Broccoli Rob
of this audience.

930
00:47:48,574 --> 00:47:50,117
I think this is hilarious.

931
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:53,120
You probably do not think
this is hilarious.

932
00:47:53,203 --> 00:47:55,581
This is your life all the time.

933
00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,710
So, Anne, I want to ask you advice.

934
00:48:00,419 --> 00:48:05,507
If you're in this situation,
and you say to Jan,

935
00:48:06,425 --> 00:48:08,844
"What are you thinking about?"
And he says, "Nothing,"

936
00:48:08,927 --> 00:48:10,596
would you probe,

937
00:48:11,221 --> 00:48:13,473
or would you let it lie?

938
00:48:14,474 --> 00:48:15,851
-Probe.
-[Mike] Probe.

939
00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:17,436
So Anne says probe.

940
00:48:17,519 --> 00:48:18,562
And Jan…

941
00:48:19,146 --> 00:48:20,105
[audience laughing]

942
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:22,357
…would you probe,

943
00:48:22,441 --> 00:48:24,526
or would you let it lie?

944
00:48:25,319 --> 00:48:26,486
Let it lie.

945
00:48:27,362 --> 00:48:29,740
And that's why it works,
ladies and gentlemen.

946
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:35,954
That's why the story of Anne and Jan
has a happy ending.

947
00:48:36,038 --> 00:48:37,539
[audience laughing]

948
00:48:37,623 --> 00:48:38,457
Because

949
00:48:39,541 --> 00:48:45,213
they are the oil and vinegar
that creates a successful marriage salad.

950
00:48:45,297 --> 00:48:47,299
[audience laughing]

951
00:48:49,927 --> 00:48:51,970
So I'm with you, Anne.

952
00:48:52,679 --> 00:48:53,889
[laughter]

953
00:48:54,556 --> 00:48:55,974
I am. I probe.

954
00:48:56,058 --> 00:48:58,769
I just think it's just better
to know more than less.

955
00:48:58,852 --> 00:49:01,605
I said to Jenny,
"What are you thinking about?"

956
00:49:01,688 --> 00:49:04,232
And she said, "Nothing,"
sort of doubled down on it.

957
00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:06,068
And then I threw an off-speed pitch.

958
00:49:06,151 --> 00:49:08,987
I go, "Where did you
just come from just now?"

959
00:49:09,071 --> 00:49:11,490
And she goes,
"I was at home watching the news,

960
00:49:11,573 --> 00:49:13,700
and I got sad about the war."

961
00:49:13,784 --> 00:49:16,203
And I said, "Do you think it's my fault?"

962
00:49:16,286 --> 00:49:17,120
And…

963
00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:18,413
[audience laughing]

964
00:49:19,623 --> 00:49:20,749
I was raised Catholic.

965
00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:23,585
I'm open to the idea
that anything could be my fault.

966
00:49:24,544 --> 00:49:27,255
I-- I think it's possible
I masturbated so much

967
00:49:27,339 --> 00:49:29,424
it caused a war in the Middle East.

968
00:49:29,508 --> 00:49:30,550
[laughter]

969
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:31,635
Maybe I'm a dreamer,

970
00:49:31,718 --> 00:49:34,680
but I'm pretty sure
that's what that song is about.

971
00:49:36,932 --> 00:49:39,726
My dad would not like that joke. I…

972
00:49:39,810 --> 00:49:41,645
My dad doesn't like a lot of my jokes,

973
00:49:41,728 --> 00:49:46,233
but he particularly doesn't like it
when they're crude, uh…

974
00:49:46,316 --> 00:49:47,734
and then also personal.

975
00:49:47,818 --> 00:49:49,319
So he wouldn't have loved

976
00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:53,699
the five-minute section on hard nipples.

977
00:49:53,782 --> 00:49:55,283
[audience laughing]

978
00:49:58,870 --> 00:50:02,833
And he doesn't like political jokes.
Matter of fact, when I was in my twenties,

979
00:50:02,916 --> 00:50:04,710
I was doing a political joke,

980
00:50:04,793 --> 00:50:09,381
and then we ended up having
this discussion from it about politics,

981
00:50:09,464 --> 00:50:12,592
and… it was tense.

982
00:50:12,676 --> 00:50:14,720
You know, I was visiting him,

983
00:50:14,803 --> 00:50:17,097
and we went for a walk

984
00:50:17,180 --> 00:50:20,642
on this wooded path behind his house,

985
00:50:20,726 --> 00:50:22,602
and the farther we walked,

986
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:24,938
the more tense it got,

987
00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:30,235
to the point where he was just saying
mean-spirited things about me,

988
00:50:30,318 --> 00:50:33,405
and then I started saying
mean-spirited things about him.

989
00:50:35,574 --> 00:50:40,162
And we-- And I got back to my car,
and I said, "Bye, Dad."

990
00:50:40,245 --> 00:50:41,955
And he didn't say goodbye.

991
00:50:43,373 --> 00:50:44,708
He goes, "Well…

992
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,045
you've gone another way."

993
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:50,881
And that was it.

994
00:50:51,798 --> 00:50:53,216
And I just drove home,

995
00:50:54,885 --> 00:50:57,137
and I just felt so adrift.

996
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:01,933
You know, I thought my whole life,
I sort of wanted to be my dad.

997
00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:06,063
And at a certain point,
I decided I wanted him to be me.

998
00:51:08,565 --> 00:51:10,317
But I never had that with my mom.

999
00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:12,986
My mom and I have been close
since I was a kid.

1000
00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:14,905
'Cause she's very religious.

1001
00:51:14,988 --> 00:51:17,199
When I was a kid, I was very religious,

1002
00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:18,992
because kids love magic.

1003
00:51:19,076 --> 00:51:21,078
[audience laughing]

1004
00:51:21,953 --> 00:51:22,788
And I…

1005
00:51:23,997 --> 00:51:27,584
I loved going to church
because the priest got so many laughs

1006
00:51:27,667 --> 00:51:30,337
on so little material, you know?

1007
00:51:30,420 --> 00:51:33,882
They'd be like,
"Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John-Boy."

1008
00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:36,760
People would be like,
"Father Patrick's hilarious!"

1009
00:51:36,843 --> 00:51:38,720
I'm like, "He's not hilarious."

1010
00:51:38,804 --> 00:51:42,766
"There are no punchlines.
It is all set-ups."

1011
00:51:42,849 --> 00:51:43,683
And…

1012
00:51:43,767 --> 00:51:45,102
[laughter]

1013
00:51:45,185 --> 00:51:47,229
I was just like, "Get me up there."

1014
00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:49,022
"Put me on the mic."

1015
00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:51,525
"Sign me up for some open altars."

1016
00:51:51,608 --> 00:51:53,985
"I would kill."

1017
00:51:54,069 --> 00:51:55,153
"I would crucify."

1018
00:51:55,237 --> 00:52:00,700
"I mean, in the right context,
I would crucify."

1019
00:52:00,784 --> 00:52:02,119
[laughter]

1020
00:52:04,121 --> 00:52:05,997
I wanted to be a priest when I was a kid.

1021
00:52:06,081 --> 00:52:10,919
And then I was an altar boy,
and the answer is no, I wasn't.

1022
00:52:11,002 --> 00:52:13,046
I think it's because they knew
I was a talker.

1023
00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:15,215
I have that look about me.

1024
00:52:15,298 --> 00:52:18,635
I was so bad at it, I think they thought
if he's bad at lighting candles,

1025
00:52:18,718 --> 00:52:20,887
he's not going to be great
at blowing them out.

1026
00:52:20,971 --> 00:52:22,347
[audience laughing]

1027
00:52:23,265 --> 00:52:24,558
[booing]

1028
00:52:24,641 --> 00:52:25,600
No, I know.

1029
00:52:25,684 --> 00:52:27,686
Some people, that's too much.

1030
00:52:27,769 --> 00:52:30,814
But I think what those priests did
in the '80s was too much.

1031
00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:33,650
I think my joke about it
isn't nearly as bad.

1032
00:52:34,776 --> 00:52:36,236
[applauding, oohing]

1033
00:52:36,319 --> 00:52:39,698
I don't think we should let it lie.

1034
00:52:44,494 --> 00:52:46,121
I was raised very Catholic.

1035
00:52:46,204 --> 00:52:49,040
It's hard to even describe
to my friends now

1036
00:52:49,666 --> 00:52:53,753
how baked into my childhood religion was,
but every now and then it comes up.

1037
00:52:53,837 --> 00:52:56,840
Like, Jenny and I were
in an Uber recently,

1038
00:52:56,923 --> 00:53:00,677
and a hymn from church
just popped right into my head.

1039
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:01,720
All the words.

1040
00:53:01,803 --> 00:53:03,305
It was this hymn that goes…

1041
00:53:03,388 --> 00:53:05,390
♪ Keep in mind ♪

1042
00:53:05,932 --> 00:53:08,727
♪ That Jesus Christ ♪

1043
00:53:09,394 --> 00:53:12,063
♪ Has died for us ♪

1044
00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:16,985
♪ And is risen from the dead ♪

1045
00:53:18,612 --> 00:53:22,782
All of those lyrics
went straight into my head

1046
00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:26,328
in an Uber to CVS.

1047
00:53:26,411 --> 00:53:27,579
[laughter]

1048
00:53:28,121 --> 00:53:31,333
You cannot be cured of this religion.

1049
00:53:31,416 --> 00:53:35,837
It is the forever chemicals of religions.

1050
00:53:36,796 --> 00:53:37,923
[laughter]

1051
00:53:39,257 --> 00:53:42,219
So I look over at Jenny in the Uber,
and I said to her,

1052
00:53:42,302 --> 00:53:44,262
"This hymn just came into my head."

1053
00:53:44,346 --> 00:53:47,140
And then I sang it to her
like I sang it to you.

1054
00:53:49,226 --> 00:53:50,560
But she didn't laugh.

1055
00:53:50,644 --> 00:53:51,519
[laughter]

1056
00:53:52,187 --> 00:53:53,813
It was just stone face.

1057
00:53:54,689 --> 00:53:58,318
I was like, "No, but it's funny, right?"
And then I just sang it louder.

1058
00:53:58,401 --> 00:53:59,861
[audience laughing]

1059
00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:03,657
She still had a very serious face.

1060
00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:06,201
And then she texted me…

1061
00:54:06,743 --> 00:54:07,786
[laughter]

1062
00:54:07,869 --> 00:54:10,080
…from three inches away from me.

1063
00:54:11,873 --> 00:54:13,291
And I was like, "Uh-oh."

1064
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:14,459
[audience laughing]

1065
00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:16,920
And I look at my phone,

1066
00:54:17,712 --> 00:54:20,924
and it's a text from Jenny that says,

1067
00:54:21,007 --> 00:54:25,428
"The Uber driver has rosary beads
on his dashboard."

1068
00:54:25,512 --> 00:54:27,514
[audience laughing]

1069
00:54:34,813 --> 00:54:36,356
And I'm an improviser.

1070
00:54:37,482 --> 00:54:41,861
So I said,
"The reason I'm bringing up that hymn…

1071
00:54:44,030 --> 00:54:46,241
is that it's very meaningful to me…

1072
00:54:46,324 --> 00:54:47,701
[audience laughing]

1073
00:54:49,661 --> 00:54:51,871
…and I would like to teach it to you."

1074
00:54:51,955 --> 00:54:53,415
[laughter]

1075
00:54:54,541 --> 00:54:56,418
"So repeat after me."

1076
00:54:56,501 --> 00:54:57,752
[audience laughing]

1077
00:54:58,336 --> 00:55:00,880
♪ Keep in mind ♪

1078
00:55:00,964 --> 00:55:02,173
[laughter]

1079
00:55:04,551 --> 00:55:06,511
I had rosary beads when I was a kid.

1080
00:55:06,594 --> 00:55:09,889
My grandma gave them to me
when I was eight for my First Communion.

1081
00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:15,145
If you don't know rosary beads,
they're like an abacus for Catholics.

1082
00:55:15,228 --> 00:55:18,189
Like, count your prayers, you know?

1083
00:55:19,607 --> 00:55:22,736
If you don't know what an abacus is,
it's like a calculator.

1084
00:55:23,361 --> 00:55:24,988
Like a Catholic calculator.

1085
00:55:27,824 --> 00:55:32,162
And I had them from my grandmother,
and every night before bed, I would pray

1086
00:55:32,245 --> 00:55:35,957
I would do Hail Marys
and Our Fathers and Glory Bes.

1087
00:55:37,667 --> 00:55:39,252
And my whole childhood,

1088
00:55:39,336 --> 00:55:45,133
my consciousness was… was me and God.

1089
00:55:46,926 --> 00:55:48,345
And at a certain point,

1090
00:55:50,180 --> 00:55:51,222
it was just me.

1091
00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:52,432
[laughter]

1092
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:57,062
So in May,

1093
00:55:57,145 --> 00:55:59,689
I'm visiting my dad at the hospital
with my mom,

1094
00:55:59,773 --> 00:56:02,359
and she's praying, and I'm not praying,

1095
00:56:02,442 --> 00:56:05,904
but I'm kind of back-up dancing,
you know what I mean? I'm like…

1096
00:56:05,987 --> 00:56:07,989
[vocalizing cheerfully]

1097
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:11,368
You know.

1098
00:56:11,451 --> 00:56:14,496
I'm "yes, and"-ing the situation, and…

1099
00:56:15,163 --> 00:56:18,500
But she's praying
because my dad has gotten worse.

1100
00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:23,380
In addition to not being able to move,
he has a blockage in his stomach,

1101
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:24,714
and it got so bad,

1102
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:30,345
they had to put an NG tube down his throat
to suck out the liquid and the gas,

1103
00:56:30,428 --> 00:56:33,681
and… and he's in agony.

1104
00:56:33,765 --> 00:56:37,644
You know, his stomach was distended
about five inches.

1105
00:56:40,021 --> 00:56:44,943
And he says to me, "Michael, I'm dying."

1106
00:56:47,362 --> 00:56:50,031
And I said,
"Dad, I don't think you're dying."

1107
00:56:52,075 --> 00:56:53,368
But I didn't know.

1108
00:56:55,036 --> 00:56:59,916
And the next morning, I get a call
from Jim Gaffigan, the comedian,

1109
00:56:59,999 --> 00:57:02,752
who I've known for years,
but he had a very different tone.

1110
00:57:02,836 --> 00:57:08,007
He goes, "Hey, um…
so the pope, Pope Francis,

1111
00:57:08,091 --> 00:57:11,052
wants to meet a bunch of comedians,

1112
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:16,933
and apparently, you're on the list,
and I'm on the list, and I don't know,

1113
00:57:17,016 --> 00:57:18,393
I'm going to go."

1114
00:57:19,102 --> 00:57:21,104
[audience laughing]

1115
00:57:22,939 --> 00:57:24,691
And I was surprised. I go,

1116
00:57:24,774 --> 00:57:29,237
"Does the Pope know
if he invites a bunch of comedians,

1117
00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:32,240
they'll probably talk about it on stage?"

1118
00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:34,784
And Jim goes,

1119
00:57:35,577 --> 00:57:37,203
"He's gotta know."

1120
00:57:37,287 --> 00:57:38,705
[audience laughing]

1121
00:57:40,331 --> 00:57:43,793
"But maybe go easy
on the molestation stuff."

1122
00:57:43,877 --> 00:57:45,170
[audience laughing]

1123
00:57:45,753 --> 00:57:48,339
And I thought, "I will when they do."

1124
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:50,216
[audience laughing]

1125
00:57:51,009 --> 00:57:53,052
You first, Catholic Church.

1126
00:57:53,136 --> 00:57:54,095
[applause]

1127
00:57:54,179 --> 00:57:57,432
Don't clap,
because then it becomes a rally. I…

1128
00:57:57,515 --> 00:57:58,725
[laughter]

1129
00:58:01,644 --> 00:58:03,938
My first inclination was to say no,

1130
00:58:04,022 --> 00:58:06,441
because, you know, for years,

1131
00:58:06,524 --> 00:58:11,070
my parents have encouraged me and Jenny
to take Oona to church,

1132
00:58:11,154 --> 00:58:13,031
and we haven't gone.

1133
00:58:13,114 --> 00:58:15,325
Not because of anything anti-religious,

1134
00:58:15,408 --> 00:58:18,286
but if anywhere
had that kind of track record…

1135
00:58:18,369 --> 00:58:21,331
If there was a Whole Foods in Brooklyn

1136
00:58:22,207 --> 00:58:24,209
that had a series of molestations,

1137
00:58:24,292 --> 00:58:27,170
we wouldn't shop there anymore even--

1138
00:58:27,253 --> 00:58:28,546
[laughter]

1139
00:58:29,380 --> 00:58:31,799
Even if people were like,
"It only happens sometimes,"

1140
00:58:31,883 --> 00:58:37,430
I'd be like, "I think that's my number.
I think that's my limit, sometimes."

1141
00:58:39,015 --> 00:58:40,892
So my inclination was to say no.

1142
00:58:40,975 --> 00:58:43,686
And then I'm with my dad
that day at the hospital,

1143
00:58:43,770 --> 00:58:48,358
and I say,
"Dad, I got invited to meet the pope."

1144
00:58:48,441 --> 00:58:49,859
And he lit up

1145
00:58:49,943 --> 00:58:53,446
like Grandpa Joe
in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

1146
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:55,532
[audience laughing]

1147
00:58:59,869 --> 00:59:03,665
And that's when I realized I was going
to go to Vatican City and meet the pope.

1148
00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:08,962
So in June, I get a plane ticket
for me and Jenny and Oona,

1149
00:59:09,546 --> 00:59:10,672
and we fly to Rome.

1150
00:59:10,755 --> 00:59:14,968
And we're walking around the Vatican,
and it was surprisingly emotional,

1151
00:59:15,051 --> 00:59:17,470
because it's a stunning place, of course,

1152
00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:20,723
and then I'm explaining it to Oona.

1153
00:59:20,807 --> 00:59:25,937
I'm like, "This is the religion
that I was raised in, and you know,

1154
00:59:26,020 --> 00:59:29,440
Grandma MJ believes
in a lot of this stuff,

1155
00:59:29,524 --> 00:59:31,067
and I believe in some of it,

1156
00:59:31,150 --> 00:59:34,445
and a lot of this artwork was stolen, and…

1157
00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:35,863
[laughter]

1158
00:59:35,947 --> 00:59:39,826
…I don't think you should steal artwork,
but if you do, don't give it back."

1159
00:59:39,909 --> 00:59:45,081
I think that's the lesson from the Vatican
is if you steal, steal big.

1160
00:59:45,164 --> 00:59:46,332
Don't give it back.

1161
00:59:46,416 --> 00:59:47,542
[audience laughing]

1162
00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:53,423
And then Oona asked me a question
that really took me by surprise.

1163
00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:55,133
She goes, "Dad,

1164
00:59:55,633 --> 00:59:58,303
who is Jesus?"

1165
01:00:00,471 --> 01:00:02,473
[audience laughing]

1166
01:00:03,808 --> 01:00:07,395
I thought, "This is a huge oversight
in my education of my daughter."

1167
01:00:07,478 --> 01:00:10,023
Because she knows a lot of stuff.

1168
01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:12,275
She knows the Greek gods
and the Roman gods

1169
01:00:12,358 --> 01:00:15,278
and the Egyptian gods and the Norse gods…

1170
01:00:15,361 --> 01:00:18,031
Somehow, I have entirely
glossed over Jesus.

1171
01:00:18,114 --> 01:00:19,616
So I try to do a crash course.

1172
01:00:19,699 --> 01:00:22,535
Like, "Well, there's this guy,
and 2,000 years ago,

1173
01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:25,121
he was walking around,
and he was like God,

1174
01:00:25,204 --> 01:00:29,250
but also he was the son of God,
and he had this cult, and like…

1175
01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:33,421
It was like a well-meaning cult, and…"

1176
01:00:33,504 --> 01:00:34,380
[laughter]

1177
01:00:35,006 --> 01:00:36,924
Which, by the way, not even controversial.

1178
01:00:37,008 --> 01:00:39,636
If Jesus were here on stage with me
at the Beacon Theatre,

1179
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:42,263
he'd be like, "Yeah, it was a cult.
There were 12 of us."

1180
01:00:42,764 --> 01:00:44,140
"Seventy, tops."

1181
01:00:44,223 --> 01:00:48,811
You know, he would be the most confused
by what happened to Christianity.

1182
01:00:48,895 --> 01:00:51,689
He'd be like,
"This isn't what I intended at all."

1183
01:00:52,565 --> 01:00:55,985
"I'm more of a cross
between David Blaine and a food bank."

1184
01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:57,445
[audience laughing]

1185
01:00:58,571 --> 01:00:59,864
[clapping]

1186
01:01:01,741 --> 01:01:07,288
I mean, it was a well-intended cult,
and no offense to cults even.

1187
01:01:08,623 --> 01:01:10,750
Some offense to cults. I mean…

1188
01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:11,959
[laughter]

1189
01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:12,877
No, I'm not--

1190
01:01:12,960 --> 01:01:15,004
I don't support cults,

1191
01:01:15,088 --> 01:01:17,757
but I will say
Jenny and I do get hooked in

1192
01:01:17,840 --> 01:01:20,093
to the documentaries about the cults.

1193
01:01:21,094 --> 01:01:22,428
Especially the first episode,

1194
01:01:22,512 --> 01:01:25,890
because it's always about,
like, shared meals and carpooling…

1195
01:01:25,973 --> 01:01:28,184
We're always like,
"This could work," you know?

1196
01:01:28,267 --> 01:01:31,979
We're looking it up on Google Maps,
like, "Where is this place?"

1197
01:01:32,939 --> 01:01:34,524
Second episode goes dark.

1198
01:01:34,607 --> 01:01:37,068
It's like,
"Then we had to have sex with Leader."

1199
01:01:37,151 --> 01:01:40,363
And I'm always like, "How often?"
You know what I mean?

1200
01:01:40,446 --> 01:01:41,280
[laughter]

1201
01:01:41,364 --> 01:01:45,243
"There's 100 of you.
How often are you even in the rotation?"

1202
01:01:46,577 --> 01:01:49,664
"Once a month? Once every three months?
You know how many things I do

1203
01:01:49,747 --> 01:01:53,000
once every three months
that are worse than sex with Leader?"

1204
01:01:53,084 --> 01:01:54,085
[laughter]

1205
01:01:54,168 --> 01:01:55,336
"Put it in the calendar."

1206
01:01:55,420 --> 01:01:57,380
I think that's the key
to any good marriage.

1207
01:01:57,463 --> 01:01:58,297
You gotta…

1208
01:01:58,381 --> 01:01:59,632
[laughter]

1209
01:01:59,716 --> 01:02:01,718
…you gotta get it in the calendar.

1210
01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:03,678
Sometimes, I'll have sex with Leader.

1211
01:02:03,761 --> 01:02:06,139
Sometimes,
Jenny will have sex with Leader.

1212
01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:09,934
Sometimes, I'll have sex with Jenny,
and I'll call her Leader.

1213
01:02:10,017 --> 01:02:11,436
I think we count it.

1214
01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:20,069
I gotta be careful with my tone
when I talk about cults because…

1215
01:02:20,153 --> 01:02:21,070
[chuckles]

1216
01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:24,449
…because I got an email recently
when someone came to one of my shows.

1217
01:02:24,532 --> 01:02:27,076
They were like, "I enjoyed the show,
but I want you to know

1218
01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:31,456
if you ever did join a cult,
Jenny would have to have sex with Leader

1219
01:02:31,539 --> 01:02:34,792
more often than you'd have
to have sex with Leader."

1220
01:02:34,876 --> 01:02:36,002
[audience laughing]

1221
01:02:39,046 --> 01:02:41,299
And it really sent me into a tailspin,

1222
01:02:41,382 --> 01:02:45,887
because I was like,
"How poorly am I conveying my humor…

1223
01:02:45,970 --> 01:02:47,513
[laughter]

1224
01:02:47,597 --> 01:02:49,474
…if someone leaves my show,

1225
01:02:50,850 --> 01:02:54,228
and they think, A, I might join a cult,

1226
01:02:56,063 --> 01:02:59,150
and B, that if I joined a cult,

1227
01:02:59,233 --> 01:03:03,780
that I don't know that Jenny would have
to have sex with Leader

1228
01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:07,158
more often than I would have
to have sex with Leader.

1229
01:03:09,619 --> 01:03:14,081
So I want to take this moment
in the show to point out

1230
01:03:15,583 --> 01:03:17,293
that some of these are jokes.

1231
01:03:17,376 --> 01:03:19,462
[audience laughing, applauding]

1232
01:03:21,130 --> 01:03:25,843
The point is
I'm in Rome with my family, and…

1233
01:03:26,761 --> 01:03:28,012
[laughter]

1234
01:03:29,096 --> 01:03:31,349
It's interesting.
Everywhere in Rome that you go,

1235
01:03:31,432 --> 01:03:34,644
there's these beautiful chapels
and statues of Jesus

1236
01:03:34,727 --> 01:03:36,062
and paintings of Jesus,

1237
01:03:36,145 --> 01:03:38,147
to the point
where I said to our tour guide,

1238
01:03:38,231 --> 01:03:40,316
I was like, "Was he here?"

1239
01:03:40,399 --> 01:03:43,110
"Because I know he wasn't.
I went to Catholic school,

1240
01:03:43,194 --> 01:03:46,656
but I feel like you guys
kind of make it feel like he was."

1241
01:03:46,739 --> 01:03:50,409
Like, in some ways,
Rome is guilty of the original case

1242
01:03:50,493 --> 01:03:53,329
of cultural appropriation.
You know what I mean?

1243
01:03:53,412 --> 01:03:57,124
Because Jesus didn't get
all the fun stuff out of Rome.

1244
01:03:57,208 --> 01:03:59,961
He didn't get the pizza and the pasta.

1245
01:04:00,044 --> 01:04:03,965
He didn't get to go "Mamma mia"
with his buddies.

1246
01:04:06,092 --> 01:04:07,802
All he knows about Rome

1247
01:04:07,885 --> 01:04:10,680
is that the Romans showed up
at his cult in Jerusalem,

1248
01:04:10,763 --> 01:04:14,725
and they were like,
"Hey, we love what you're doing."

1249
01:04:15,393 --> 01:04:18,771
"It's a great story.
It's a classic rags to rags."

1250
01:04:18,855 --> 01:04:20,147
[audience laughing]

1251
01:04:21,107 --> 01:04:25,570
"We feel like it might be more compelling
if the protagonist died."

1252
01:04:25,653 --> 01:04:26,737
[laughter]

1253
01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:29,073
No, I know. I'm not happy about it either.

1254
01:04:29,156 --> 01:04:31,242
And then they killed him,

1255
01:04:31,325 --> 01:04:34,704
which is really sad,
but then actually more perverse than that,

1256
01:04:34,787 --> 01:04:39,208
is they killed him and then sold paintings
of themselves killing him

1257
01:04:39,292 --> 01:04:41,502
to take over half the world.

1258
01:04:41,586 --> 01:04:46,215
It's like if the Wilkes Booth family
sold Lincoln Logs. Like…

1259
01:04:46,299 --> 01:04:48,301
[audience laughing]

1260
01:04:49,927 --> 01:04:52,972
So I explain this to the pope,
and he thinks it's hilarious.

1261
01:04:53,055 --> 01:04:54,599
-But…
-[audience laughing]

1262
01:04:54,682 --> 01:04:57,476
…he doesn't speak English,
so who's to say? And…

1263
01:04:57,560 --> 01:04:58,603
[laughter]

1264
01:05:02,940 --> 01:05:06,444
No, we actually didn't perform
for the pope,

1265
01:05:06,527 --> 01:05:08,446
which I felt like
was a missed opportunity,

1266
01:05:08,529 --> 01:05:10,865
because there was a lot
of great comedians there.

1267
01:05:10,948 --> 01:05:14,201
It was, like, Chris Rock
and Stephen Colbert and Conan O'Brien

1268
01:05:14,285 --> 01:05:16,746
and David Sedaris,
and all these people, and me.

1269
01:05:16,829 --> 01:05:22,376
And by the way,
I get that I'm at the bottom of that list.

1270
01:05:22,460 --> 01:05:26,797
Like, they called me in May to go in June.

1271
01:05:26,881 --> 01:05:28,341
[audience laughing]

1272
01:05:29,050 --> 01:05:34,055
I'm pretty sure there was an April list,
and they got some nos,

1273
01:05:34,138 --> 01:05:38,851
and then the pope was googling "comedian"
on his Dell laptop…

1274
01:05:38,935 --> 01:05:40,019
[laughter]

1275
01:05:41,354 --> 01:05:44,273
And his last name is Bergoglio,

1276
01:05:44,357 --> 01:05:47,443
and my last name is Birbiglia,
and I think he was like,

1277
01:05:47,526 --> 01:05:50,905
[mimicking Italian accent]
"He's a Birbiglia. I'm a Bergoglio."

1278
01:05:50,988 --> 01:05:52,239
[laughter]

1279
01:05:52,323 --> 01:05:55,618
"It's my long-lost cousin!"
[in normal voice] And…

1280
01:05:56,953 --> 01:05:58,537
He doesn't talk like that.

1281
01:05:58,621 --> 01:06:00,081
-I…
-[laughter]

1282
01:06:00,164 --> 01:06:01,248
He's not even Italian.

1283
01:06:01,332 --> 01:06:02,792
He's from Buenos Aires.

1284
01:06:02,875 --> 01:06:08,631
But I don't think the comedy community
has signed off on that as an accent yet,

1285
01:06:08,714 --> 01:06:11,217
so… until that happens,

1286
01:06:11,300 --> 01:06:13,928
[mimicking Italian accent]
"Mamma mia! I'm the pope!"

1287
01:06:14,804 --> 01:06:18,057
"We make pizza with the Eucharist!"

1288
01:06:18,140 --> 01:06:19,392
[laughter]

1289
01:06:20,309 --> 01:06:22,979
[in normal voice]
My dad wouldn't love that joke either.

1290
01:06:26,148 --> 01:06:28,484
We didn't perform for the pope.

1291
01:06:28,567 --> 01:06:33,864
The pope spoke… to us,

1292
01:06:34,448 --> 01:06:35,616
comedians,

1293
01:06:36,617 --> 01:06:38,327
about comedy.

1294
01:06:39,120 --> 01:06:41,122
[audience laughing]

1295
01:06:41,706 --> 01:06:43,958
Which is a great example
of power corrupting.

1296
01:06:44,041 --> 01:06:48,462
If you get to a point
where you're so good at being a priest

1297
01:06:48,546 --> 01:06:52,383
that you're like, "I'm going to invite
Chris Rock over to my house

1298
01:06:53,134 --> 01:06:56,262
and tell him my thoughts on comedy."

1299
01:06:56,345 --> 01:06:57,555
[audience laughing]

1300
01:06:58,139 --> 01:07:01,559
It's like if I showed up at NASA and said,
"I got some thoughts on rockets."

1301
01:07:01,642 --> 01:07:04,437
"I think we should build them
and fly in them,

1302
01:07:04,520 --> 01:07:07,440
but never on the outside,
like in cartoons."

1303
01:07:07,523 --> 01:07:08,691
[laughter]

1304
01:07:09,567 --> 01:07:12,319
"And that concludes
my speech about rockets."

1305
01:07:12,403 --> 01:07:14,405
"Now, everyone kiss my wedding ring."

1306
01:07:14,488 --> 01:07:16,449
Everyone's like, "It's sweaty."

1307
01:07:17,199 --> 01:07:19,201
[audience laughing]

1308
01:07:22,621 --> 01:07:24,874
The pope spoke to us about comedy.

1309
01:07:24,957 --> 01:07:28,335
And this pope, if you don't know
this pope, Pope Francis, he's pretty good,

1310
01:07:28,419 --> 01:07:30,880
but only compared to other popes.

1311
01:07:30,963 --> 01:07:31,797
I mean…

1312
01:07:31,881 --> 01:07:32,840
[laughter]

1313
01:07:32,923 --> 01:07:36,761
If you met him at a party,
you'd be like, "This fucking guy." Like…

1314
01:07:36,844 --> 01:07:38,095
[audience laughing]

1315
01:07:39,472 --> 01:07:41,807
But compared to other popes, he's amazing.

1316
01:07:41,891 --> 01:07:48,689
And he invited us in
to what's called the Apostolic Palace,

1317
01:07:48,773 --> 01:07:51,400
and he gave a speech about humor.

1318
01:07:51,484 --> 01:07:56,822
And it was about 40 minutes long,
but I jotted down my favorite parts.

1319
01:07:56,906 --> 01:07:59,241
These are the actual… my favorite parts.

1320
01:07:59,325 --> 01:08:02,620
It was in Italian,
but they gave us a translation. He says,

1321
01:08:02,703 --> 01:08:05,790
"Dear friends,
in the midst of so much gloomy news,

1322
01:08:05,873 --> 01:08:09,543
immersed as we are
in many social and personal emergencies,

1323
01:08:09,627 --> 01:08:12,171
you have the power to spread smiles."

1324
01:08:12,755 --> 01:08:15,841
"You are among the few who have
the ability to speak to people

1325
01:08:15,925 --> 01:08:18,302
from different generations
and cultural backgrounds."

1326
01:08:18,385 --> 01:08:20,638
It's sweet. Good, friendly pope stuff.

1327
01:08:20,721 --> 01:08:21,722
[laughter]

1328
01:08:21,806 --> 01:08:23,349
Then he says, "According to the Bible…"

1329
01:08:23,432 --> 01:08:25,434
This is where he loses me a little bit.

1330
01:08:25,518 --> 01:08:26,727
[audience laughing]

1331
01:08:27,353 --> 01:08:28,562
[chuckles]

1332
01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:31,690
"…at the beginning of the world,
while everything was being created,

1333
01:08:31,774 --> 01:08:33,609
divine wisdom practiced your form of art

1334
01:08:33,692 --> 01:08:35,986
for the benefit
of none other than God himself,

1335
01:08:36,070 --> 01:08:38,239
the first spectator of history."

1336
01:08:38,322 --> 01:08:39,573
Which is oddly a concept

1337
01:08:39,657 --> 01:08:41,826
that's always bummed me
since grade school.

1338
01:08:41,909 --> 01:08:44,995
Because the spectator of history thing
is something they taught

1339
01:08:45,496 --> 01:08:48,999
when I was growing up.
They were like, "God is watching you

1340
01:08:49,500 --> 01:08:51,335
at all times."

1341
01:08:51,418 --> 01:08:53,462
I took it literally. I was seven.

1342
01:08:53,546 --> 01:08:56,507
I just thought he was, like,
tailing me in a Chevy Malibu,

1343
01:08:56,590 --> 01:08:59,135
like, "What's Mike Birbiglia up to?"

1344
01:08:59,218 --> 01:09:01,428
"He's hiding porn in the forest."

1345
01:09:01,512 --> 01:09:04,431
"I'll make sure he doesn't have
a girlfriend until he's 20."

1346
01:09:04,515 --> 01:09:09,145
And that prophecy came true,
so maybe there is a God, but…

1347
01:09:09,228 --> 01:09:10,187
[laughter]

1348
01:09:11,063 --> 01:09:14,191
But that imagery just stuck with me
through my childhood.

1349
01:09:14,275 --> 01:09:16,318
Like, when I was 15,
I started masturbating.

1350
01:09:16,402 --> 01:09:20,281
I just assumed God was watching me
do that too, you know?

1351
01:09:20,364 --> 01:09:23,826
So I would sort of cheat to the camera
because I…

1352
01:09:23,909 --> 01:09:25,202
[audience laughing]

1353
01:09:26,912 --> 01:09:29,582
I thought if he was looking
at the monitor at that moment,

1354
01:09:29,665 --> 01:09:32,168
he'd think, "I've seen a lot
of 15-year-olds masturbate,

1355
01:09:32,251 --> 01:09:33,544
but this kid's good."

1356
01:09:33,627 --> 01:09:35,963
"I think he might go pro."

1357
01:09:36,046 --> 01:09:38,132
And I have, which is a happy ending.

1358
01:09:38,215 --> 01:09:40,176
Not technically, but…

1359
01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:42,219
All right. Then the pope said…

1360
01:09:42,303 --> 01:09:44,305
[audience laughing]

1361
01:09:47,057 --> 01:09:49,268
"I'm reminded of the story
in the Book of Genesis

1362
01:09:49,351 --> 01:09:52,813
when God promised Abraham
within a year, he would have a son."

1363
01:09:52,897 --> 01:09:55,399
"He and his wife Sarah
were old and childless."

1364
01:09:55,482 --> 01:09:56,609
She was 23.

1365
01:09:56,692 --> 01:09:57,818
[audience laughing]

1366
01:09:58,694 --> 01:10:00,988
"Sarah conceived
and bore a son in her old age."

1367
01:10:01,071 --> 01:10:02,072
Twenty-four.

1368
01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:05,284
"Then Sarah said,
'God has made laughter for me.'"

1369
01:10:05,367 --> 01:10:09,663
"That is why they named their son Isaac,
which means 'he laughs.'"

1370
01:10:09,747 --> 01:10:12,291
And finally he says, "Remember this."

1371
01:10:12,833 --> 01:10:18,005
"When you manage to draw knowing smiles
from the lips of even one spectator,

1372
01:10:18,088 --> 01:10:20,257
you also make God smile."

1373
01:10:21,884 --> 01:10:23,177
Which I thought was nice.

1374
01:10:23,260 --> 01:10:25,221
And then he gave us rosary beads.

1375
01:10:25,304 --> 01:10:26,305
[laughter]

1376
01:10:26,972 --> 01:10:31,143
He gave us each a little green satchel
of rosary beads that he blessed,

1377
01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:35,231
and I brought them home
to my parents in July.

1378
01:10:35,314 --> 01:10:37,691
It was my dad's 84th birthday,

1379
01:10:38,484 --> 01:10:41,820
and it was me and my mom
and my brother Joe,

1380
01:10:41,904 --> 01:10:45,491
my sister Jean, and my sister Patty,
and all of our kids,

1381
01:10:45,574 --> 01:10:48,285
my dad's six grandchildren,

1382
01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:50,746
and we're all around my dad,

1383
01:10:50,829 --> 01:10:53,040
and I brought him these rosary beads.

1384
01:10:54,333 --> 01:10:57,127
And he lit up,

1385
01:10:58,212 --> 01:11:04,468
and then my mom said,
"Michael, you were called by God."

1386
01:11:08,055 --> 01:11:09,974
I want you to know…

1387
01:11:10,057 --> 01:11:11,433
[laughter]

1388
01:11:13,143 --> 01:11:15,145
I don't think I was called by God.

1389
01:11:15,229 --> 01:11:16,522
[audience laughing]

1390
01:11:17,940 --> 01:11:21,735
And when she said this,
what I wanted to say was, "No."

1391
01:11:22,945 --> 01:11:25,197
"I was called by Jim Gaffigan…

1392
01:11:25,281 --> 01:11:27,283
[audience laughing]

1393
01:11:28,701 --> 01:11:30,995
…who was called by Stephen Colbert,

1394
01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:33,664
who may have been called by God."

1395
01:11:33,747 --> 01:11:35,124
[laughter]

1396
01:11:39,336 --> 01:11:42,715
But when you've had a year
like my parents have had,

1397
01:11:42,798 --> 01:11:46,010
you find yourself
saying things like, "Yes…

1398
01:11:48,345 --> 01:11:49,722
I was called by God."

1399
01:11:52,516 --> 01:11:54,560
So we have a cake for my dad,

1400
01:11:55,311 --> 01:11:57,104
and then everyone headed home.

1401
01:11:58,063 --> 01:12:01,984
And I'm just standing there with my dad.
He's lying in his bed,

1402
01:12:02,943 --> 01:12:04,945
and I'm talking to him. He's able to talk,

1403
01:12:05,029 --> 01:12:08,324
but he doesn't remember anything
that's happened in the last year.

1404
01:12:09,366 --> 01:12:12,870
So I'm asking him questions about things
that happened a long time ago.

1405
01:12:12,953 --> 01:12:15,873
He was born in 1940 in Bushwick, Brooklyn,

1406
01:12:15,956 --> 01:12:18,292
and I said, "When you were growing up,

1407
01:12:18,375 --> 01:12:21,170
were your family members coming
back from World War II?"

1408
01:12:21,253 --> 01:12:25,799
And he goes, "Well, yeah, my Uncle Charlie
and my Uncle Joe and my Uncle Tony,

1409
01:12:25,883 --> 01:12:28,844
they all came back,
and they had these wild stories

1410
01:12:28,927 --> 01:12:31,055
about how they were nearly killed."

1411
01:12:31,555 --> 01:12:34,141
I said, "Did you get drafted for Vietnam?"

1412
01:12:34,224 --> 01:12:37,936
And he said, "Yeah, I got drafted,
but then, because I was a doctor,

1413
01:12:38,020 --> 01:12:40,606
they stationed me on a base in Texas,

1414
01:12:40,689 --> 01:12:44,943
and that's where your mother
and I met a lot of our closest friends

1415
01:12:45,027 --> 01:12:46,653
for the rest of our lives."

1416
01:12:47,905 --> 01:12:51,283
And I said, "When you were growing up,
what was your address in Bushwick?"

1417
01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:53,827
And he told me the address,
and I put it into my phone,

1418
01:12:53,911 --> 01:12:55,746
and then I drew a line

1419
01:12:56,288 --> 01:12:58,582
between my dad's childhood home

1420
01:12:59,083 --> 01:13:02,586
and his granddaughter Oona's
childhood home now,

1421
01:13:02,669 --> 01:13:06,548
and it's about four miles apart,
and I showed it to him,

1422
01:13:08,300 --> 01:13:12,513
and I thought, "How come my dad
never told me any of this stuff sooner?"

1423
01:13:13,722 --> 01:13:16,225
Then I thought, "How come I hadn't asked?"

1424
01:13:17,893 --> 01:13:22,398
And my Dad at this point is getting tired,
and he can't really speak anymore,

1425
01:13:22,981 --> 01:13:25,734
but I'm with him…

1426
01:13:28,362 --> 01:13:29,905
and I want to be there for him.

1427
01:13:29,988 --> 01:13:33,534
Because you know
when your parent has been through

1428
01:13:33,617 --> 01:13:35,077
what my dad has been through,

1429
01:13:35,160 --> 01:13:39,123
you just don't know how many more times
you'll get to see him again.

1430
01:13:42,501 --> 01:13:45,337
And so I reached over,
and I rubbed his shoulder,

1431
01:13:46,713 --> 01:13:49,633
and I could tell from his eyes
that he enjoyed it.

1432
01:13:50,843 --> 01:13:53,011
And his lips crested up a little.

1433
01:13:56,473 --> 01:13:59,685
And so I just rubbed his shoulder
for about 15 minutes.

1434
01:14:03,689 --> 01:14:06,066
And I felt as close to my dad

1435
01:14:06,984 --> 01:14:08,193
as I did when I was a kid,

1436
01:14:08,277 --> 01:14:11,655
and he brought me the Curious George doll
at the hospital…

1437
01:14:13,157 --> 01:14:17,202
and when I was 12,
and he caressed my hard, hard nipples.

1438
01:14:17,286 --> 01:14:19,288
[audience laughing]

1439
01:14:23,667 --> 01:14:28,130
And the next morning,
I drive Jenny and Oona home to New York,

1440
01:14:28,213 --> 01:14:31,925
and a few days later,
I'm walking Oona home from school,

1441
01:14:33,510 --> 01:14:36,889
and I think, "That's all
I can really teach my daughter…

1442
01:14:39,558 --> 01:14:42,269
which is that
we will never know everything."

1443
01:14:44,062 --> 01:14:49,026
"We will all often be wrong."

1444
01:14:51,862 --> 01:14:53,906
"And it's possible
that small acts of kindness

1445
01:14:53,989 --> 01:14:55,324
are all we have."

1446
01:14:56,992 --> 01:14:58,202
"And maybe…

1447
01:15:00,204 --> 01:15:01,538
that's the good life."

1448
01:15:05,459 --> 01:15:07,461
[audience cheering, applauding]

1449
01:15:08,837 --> 01:15:10,839
["Half Love" by Red Hearse playing]

1450
01:15:15,385 --> 01:15:16,637
Thank you so much!

1451
01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:21,975
Thank you so much for coming out!

1452
01:15:29,149 --> 01:15:31,109
♪ 'Cause everybody's playin' it loose ♪

1453
01:15:31,193 --> 01:15:34,154
♪ But what if we were real with it? ♪

1454
01:15:34,238 --> 01:15:39,785
♪ 'Cause honestly
I'm just too good for that half love ♪

1455
01:15:39,868 --> 01:15:45,207
♪ Know that you've been feelin' it too
Ah, admit the truth ♪

1456
01:15:45,290 --> 01:15:47,292
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪

1457
01:15:47,376 --> 01:15:50,045
♪ Never gonna, never gonna
Never gonna love another ♪

1458
01:15:50,128 --> 01:15:52,631
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪

1459
01:15:52,714 --> 01:15:55,467
♪ Never gonna, never gonna
Never gonna love another ♪

1460
01:15:55,551 --> 01:15:57,719
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪

1461
01:15:58,303 --> 01:16:00,973
-♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪
-♪ Ahh ♪

1462
01:16:01,056 --> 01:16:03,642
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪

1463
01:16:03,725 --> 01:16:06,353
♪ Never gonna, never gonna
Never gonna love another ♪

1464
01:16:06,436 --> 01:16:09,189
-♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪
-♪ Ooh-ah! Ooh! ♪

1465
01:16:09,273 --> 01:16:11,858
♪ Never gonna, never gonna
Never gonna love another ♪

1466
01:16:11,942 --> 01:16:14,653
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪
-♪ Ooh-ah! Yeah! ♪

1467
01:16:14,736 --> 01:16:18,657
-♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪
-♪ Ooh-ah! ♪

1468
01:16:18,740 --> 01:16:23,370
♪ 'Cause everybody's playin' it loose
But what if we were real with it? ♪

1469
01:16:23,453 --> 01:16:29,126
'♪ Cause honestly
I'm just too good for that half love ♪

1470
01:16:29,209 --> 01:16:34,256
♪ Know that you've been feelin' it too
Let's admit the truth ♪

1471
01:16:34,339 --> 01:16:37,467
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪

1472
01:16:37,551 --> 01:16:39,720
♪ What if we were real with it? ♪

1473
01:16:39,803 --> 01:16:45,267
♪ 'Cause honestly
I'm just too good for that half love ♪

1474
01:16:45,350 --> 01:16:50,564
♪ Know that you've been feelin' it too
Ah, admit the truth ♪

1475
01:16:50,647 --> 01:16:52,774
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪

1476
01:16:56,153 --> 01:16:58,280
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪

1477
01:17:01,366 --> 01:17:03,827
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪

1478
01:17:07,080 --> 01:17:09,541
♪ Never gonna love another like you ♪

1479
01:17:10,667 --> 01:17:12,669
[song ends]