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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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["Do It Again" by Jay Putty playing]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[crowd cheering]
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{\an8}[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Tim Dillon!
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{\an8}[crowd cheering, applauding]
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Thank you so much. Austin, how are you?
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Good? Are you feeling good?
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Good.
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Who gives a fuck?
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[crowd laughing]
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I like Austin because it's just
the right amount of homeless people.
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LA has too many.
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Some cities don't have enough.
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Austin has the Goldilocks
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"just right" amount of homeless people.
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Austin has just enough homeless people
to change the course of a morning walk.
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No.
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When I grew up,
not everybody was homeless.
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Everyone's homeless now.
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It's… I don't know what happened.
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When I grew up, homelessness
was, like, three or four people,
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and they were fun.
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They were, like, fun.
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Remember when homeless people were fun?
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You would throw them nickels.
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They would do a jig, like…
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Or it was that pigeon bitch.
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From the movie, who looked like me.
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Remember her?
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But now homeless people,
something's going on with the home…
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Like, the homeless are not doing well.
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There's a lot of, like…
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Like…
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People are like,
"What's the solution?" I'm like,
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"Oh, ho! I don't even
know what the problem is."
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I have no idea what's going on.
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They're like,
"It's a cost of living issue."
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Wait, what?
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"Yeah, it's the interest rates."
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"What are you talking about?"
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"Yeah, it's the interest rates.
That's why."
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"He needs a job."
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Uh… How would that even work?
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"Welcome to Geico."
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[laughs]
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"Meet your claims rep, I guess?"
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LA's got a whole area of the city
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called Skid Row.
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And you've all heard of it,
and it's just tents.
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That's it. It's just all homeless people.
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And it comes in handy.
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A friend of mine and his wife came in,
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they'd never been to California,
they're from Nashville.
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It was Halloween. She was so excited.
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His wife was like, "Hey, y'all,
are there any fun haunted hayrides?"
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I said, "Get in the car."
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People were lunging at the car.
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[snarling]
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She's like, "It feels like we could die."
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I'm like, "We could definitely die."
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The LA City Council has given up.
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This is how much they've given up.
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I swear to God,
they considered giving you a tax credit
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if you opened your house…
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to a homeless person.
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I swear to God, they were like,
"You got a house."
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"What are we even talking about?"
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"You hate taxes, right?"
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"Yeah."
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"Well, meet your son."
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"He's 38 years old,
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he loves fentanyl."
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"Hug your boy."
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"Hug your boy."
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"Now."
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I don't have any friends in LA.
I'm just friends with RFK and his wife.
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-[crowd cheering]
-And that's all I need. That's all I need.
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Yeah. They're amazing.
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His wife Cheryl is the actress
from Curb Your Enthusiasm.
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She's so sweet and optimistic
and, you know,
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he's less optimistic
'cause the CIA killed his whole family.
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He's a little bit of a downer, you know?
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They killed everyone he ever met.
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They'd shoot his dog in the head
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and then look at him and go,
"Man, it sucks your dog drowned."
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But I like going to dinner with them
'cause they're an odd couple.
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They're a fun couple,
they're an odd couple.
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You know, you'll go to dinner with them,
and she's like, "I love strawberries."
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And he's like,"There's a bomb in the car."
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[raspily] "Cheryl, don't get in the car."
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"They're gonna melt the skin
off your face, Cheryl."
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"You're gonna die a horrible death."
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"Like everyone I've ever met. Cheryl!"
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[crowd whooping, cheering]
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They like… This is a true story.
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When Trump nominated him,
I was in Palm Beach,
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and I had brunch with him and her
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at Dr. Oz's house.
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It's fun. You know, and I'm sitting there,
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and he goes, "Play what he did."
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"It's fun." And I'm like…
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And…
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I'm like, "We don't… No."
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It's… you know.
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"It's fine. We don't…" And then he
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plays my impression of him.
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At the table.
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For everyone.
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And everyone's laughing,
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and he's like, "It's good!"
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And I was like,
"This guy's kind of cool, you know?"
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That's a cool thing to… you know?
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He's going to ban
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the Cheesy Gordita Crunch,
and then I'm going to have to march.
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Like, fat people don't know what's coming.
Like, he's serious.
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He's deadly serious about what…
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I mean, he's going after it all.
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You're going to pull up
to Whataburger one day at 1:00 a.m.
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You're going to go, "Can I have
a sweet and spicy bacon burger?"
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[raspily] "No."
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[regular voice] "Can I have
a honey butter chicken biscuit?"
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[raspily] "It's 1:00 a.m."
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"Can I have a chocolate shake?"
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[raspily] "They killed my family."
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"They killed my whole family."
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[crowd laughing, cheering]
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I love him. I love him. I love him.
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I don't know how to fix the Middle East.
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I thought about it on the way here.
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But I have nothing. I don't.
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I don't, but you got to have an opinion
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no matter your level of education.
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It's your job. You're an American.
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I have friends call me from Long Island.
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They go, "I don't know
what's going on over there,
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but here's what I think."
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And I'm like, "Sure, you're a DJ,
what are we going to do?"
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"What…"
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"You sell Molly
in an Applebee's parking lot."
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"What do you…"
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"What do you think we should…"
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Like, when this whole thing happened,
when Hamas, you know,
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paraglided into Israel,
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which was fucked-up,
but it was new.
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Well, it was.
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I thought it was
The Amazing Race. I had…
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I had no idea what it was.
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True story, a day after that,
I was in Malibu, California,
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and there was a guy
paragliding on the beach.
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And I was like, "Sir,
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is this the time?"
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"Feels insensitive."
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And the thing is,
it's like you got to have
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an opinion.
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I think it's good to have a fake opinion.
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You get in,
you get passionate, you get out.
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In,
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you rev up, you get out.
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So as soon as that happened,
I was going into places.
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I was like, "That's fucked-up!"
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"These people have been suffering
for thousands of years."
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And they're like,
"Which ones?" And I'm like, "Ah!'
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I spend a lot of time in LA,
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and the problem is in LA,
there are a lot of Jews that look Muslim
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and Muslims that look Jewish.
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And it's a lot of, like…
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And you'll sit down for lunch
at a bar with these guys,
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you know, and they're tan,
and they got a beard.
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Could go either way.
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And they're all eating hummus.
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No help there.
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And then it's just me.
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And they look at me, they're like,
"What's going on over there is fucked-up."
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I'm like, "Yes."
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"But tell me why."
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And they're like,
"The violence." I go, "Sure."
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"But specifically."
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"Which violence is the one?
'Cause I agree with you."
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"I'm… Who do we hate?"
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"I'm in. You tell…"
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"You tell me who we hate.
I'll do it. I'm with you."
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"Kill them all."
"I'm with… Who is all?"
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"I… Yes, kill. Kill…"
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"Kill them all, agreed."
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"I'm… Sure, but who is all?"
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"The tartare is nice."
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"All. All of…"
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"Are we killing them in one place?"
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"Are they spread out?
That'll help. Just tell me…"
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"Tell me…"
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"Give me a hint. Anything?"
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"What kind of hat and scarf combo?"
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"Do they… I don't know, what is it?"
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[laughing nervously]
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I think we should send Meghan Markle
and that lizard she married to Gaza.
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-Let them figure it out.
-[scattered cheering]
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They want to be diplomats,
let them figure it out.
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They left a castle
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because people were mean.
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What a fucking millennial move that was.
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You never leave a castle,
you stupid cunts.
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You never leave a cast…
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People die to get in.
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You don't leave. I'm a gay person,
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I don't give a fuck
how homophobic the Royal Family is.
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If I lived in their castle,
I would never leave.
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They could open my door every morning,
throw piss on my face.
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Go, "Good morning, faggot."
I'd go, "Hello."
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What?
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I'd be riding a horse.
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They'd be like, "Look at the faggot."
"What's for dinner?"
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00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,397
"I love you, Mom and Dad."
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Every family has problems. Every one.
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They have a three-hour documentary
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on Netflix about how hard it is
to live in a castle.
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Three hours.
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Not one.
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00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:32,626
Three.
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00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,213
I want to show that
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00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:39,091
three-hour documentary
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00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:41,677
to a kid from Syria
with his arm blown off.
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I want to say, "Come here, buddy.
Take a look at a real victim, okay?"
224
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:52,772
"And you're going to work tonight too.
Don't think you're getting out of work."
225
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:56,776
"Look at how sad she is when Beyoncé
is texting her. Look how sad."
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00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:01,197
"What happened to you? You were just
playing soccer, and all you saw was fire?"
227
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,114
"Yeah."
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00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:06,702
"Anyway, she's very sad here."
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00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,705
"She lives in Montecito now.
That's by the ocean."
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00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:13,667
"That's the blue behind her
as she's crying. The ocean."
231
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:16,086
"The Pacific Ocean. She's sad."
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00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:26,222
-You guys dating a long time?
-[woman] This is my little brother.
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00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:28,390
This is your little brother. Okay. Well…
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00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:40,069
There's many people here
that are very aroused.
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00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:42,488
[crowd laughing]
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00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:49,245
Good for you. You guys get along.
A lot of siblings don't like each other.
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00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:50,788
-No, we're good.
-We're besties.
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00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:53,082
You're besties. Okay, it's weird now.
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00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:56,752
No, it's good.
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00:13:56,836 --> 00:14:00,089
Thank you for coming. This is probably
his idea, but thank you for, you know…
241
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,757
He'll go to something you like.
242
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,886
He'll go to one of your podcasts.
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00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:11,684
The female podcasts are so aggressive,
like the titles of the female podcasts.
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Like, they're all like,
Feed Me, Faggot! You're like…
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00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:24,905
It's like, Avocado In My Cunt,
you're like, "Why is this so
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00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:26,574
insane?"
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00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,201
Why is it so intense?
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00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:31,537
Do you work?
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00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:32,621
-Yeah.
-What do you do?
250
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,831
I'm a flight instructor.
251
00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:35,541
You ever get nervous in a plane?
252
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,960
Not really.
I don't fly if it's bad weather.
253
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,753
You don't fly if it's bad weather?
254
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,047
But it happens. It comes out of nowhere.
255
00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:44,842
Have you been in a plane?
256
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,468
[crowd laughing]
257
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:53,517
-Do you work? Go to school?
-[man] I work for the Sheriff's Office.
258
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,144
Sheriff's Office. Very, very cool.
259
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:56,145
[man 2] Boo.
260
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,190
This criminal is angry.
261
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:02,484
This guy is really mad.
262
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:03,527
"Boo!"
263
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:05,362
"Boo!"
264
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:10,117
"She's my wife. I can hit her if I want."
265
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,369
"Boo!"
266
00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:20,336
The government's lied about so much shit.
You just can't trust anything.
267
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:23,881
Like, I remember when Trump got shot,
and they were like, "Oh!"
268
00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,926
Well, first of all,
no one even talks about that anymore.
269
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,594
Like, nobody even remembers that.
270
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:31,972
That Secret Service bitch
seemed… a bit guilty.
271
00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:38,562
I know she was guilty
because she had the same face that I make
272
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:41,482
when somebody asks
if I'm still on the ketogenic diet.
273
00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:42,524
She was like…
274
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:54,036
Then they were like, "We couldn't put a
sniper on that roof 'cause it was sloped."
275
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,873
Here's how not sloped that roof was.
276
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:02,211
They shot that guy, he died,
and his body didn't roll off the roof.
277
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:10,427
I've taken bong hits on acid
on roofs with more of a pitch
278
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:12,346
than that roof.
279
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,598
That's like such an insane thing
280
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,351
to say, you know?
281
00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:19,478
You can't trust anything anymore.
282
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:22,856
We're supposed to be afraid of China.
That's a big thing.
283
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:25,150
We're supposed to be terrified
of China. I'm not.
284
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:28,779
My godson is Chinese.
He's three years old, he's adorable.
285
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:32,116
He does not recognize
the sovereignty of Taiwan.
286
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:35,786
That's his politics.
287
00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:38,747
He believes in "One China."
That's his thing.
288
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:42,543
And his parents bring him to my house,
and I go, "Make the one."
289
00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:45,295
"One China." It's cute.
You know, "Make the one."
290
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:48,215
It's fun with your uncle, you know?
"Make the one."
291
00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:51,552
"One China, that's your belief.
One China."
292
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,889
And then a few days later, I swear to God,
293
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:58,642
his school was doing class photos.
294
00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:01,437
This was the first class photo
he'd ever taken,
295
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,480
and he's standing dead center
296
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,774
in the first row
of all the kids like this…
297
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,619
And the teacher called their house.
I happened to be over.
298
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:21,665
She's like, "He's so cute.
Why does he do that one?"
299
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,834
"Is it like 'school's number one'?"
300
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:29,506
And I grabbed the phone.
I said, "He's a Chinese nationalist."
301
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:36,055
"He believes in the invasion
and occupation of Taiwan."
302
00:17:37,931 --> 00:17:40,684
"Why don't you ask him about his politics,
you stupid bitch?"
303
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:43,937
"He's the future of this country.
Not you."
304
00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:46,106
"He's the leader. Not you."
305
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,608
"You work for him."
306
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,323
He's actually Filipino, but we lie.
307
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,533
[laughing, cheering]
308
00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:05,000
It's so funny what we fight about
in America. We're gonna ban TikTok.
309
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,001
Or we're not.
310
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:07,503
I don't know.
311
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:11,965
I don't care how you feel about that.
At a certain age, you gotta shut up.
312
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:16,136
Like, I'm 39 years old
and I have friends that are still…
313
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,514
They're like, "They can't ban TikTok!"
314
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:19,807
I'm like, "Hey, Ralph,
315
00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:21,558
sit down."
316
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:23,477
"Sit this out."
317
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:28,649
"They can't ban that child's dancing app."
318
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:30,484
"Ralph."
319
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:35,364
"This looks terrible. Please, stop."
320
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:38,492
"Where am I going to watch
children dance?"
321
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:40,160
"All right, hey, enough!"
322
00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:47,376
But the reason
the government gives is amazing.
323
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:51,088
They're like, "We got to ban TikTok
because China is spying on you."
324
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,006
I was like, "Okay."
325
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,175
"But you were also
326
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:57,886
spying on us."
327
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:02,057
They're like, "Yeah, but they're doing it
in a Chinese way."
328
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:06,270
"We're just goofing around."
329
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:11,483
"They're being Chinese about it."
330
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:16,155
"We're blowing off steam at work.
They're Chinese."
331
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,490
"Do you see the difference?"
332
00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:20,492
"Not really, no, I…"
333
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:26,165
I hope China is spying on us with TikTok.
334
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:31,420
I hope they spent billions of dollars
to get that app on everybody's phone
335
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,006
so they could harvest
all the intelligence.
336
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:37,843
The vital,
337
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:42,764
meaningful intelligence on TikTok.
338
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:47,644
I hope they have to watch
every TikTok video ever made.
339
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:49,897
I hope the Chinese military,
340
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:53,942
there's just a general,
in a room, expressionless,
341
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:58,697
watching every Xannied-out housewife like…
342
00:20:01,825 --> 00:20:03,827
Every Waffle House brawl,
343
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:08,749
people beating the shit
out of each other with hash browns.
344
00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:10,876
He's just sitting there, no expression.
345
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:13,629
We're the only country
that kills at breakfast, we're…
346
00:20:14,838 --> 00:20:18,300
We're the only country where people
put down a glass of orange juice and go,
347
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:20,469
"Fuck it, let's go. Let's go right now."
348
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:21,887
"I'll kill you right now
349
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,264
in front of my daughter
who's eating French toast."
350
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:25,432
"I'll kill you."
351
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:27,893
"It's 10:00 a.m."
352
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,690
I'm not saying TikTok is great.
353
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:34,900
There's problems.
354
00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:37,819
There's a girl on TikTok right now
identifying as a hawk.
355
00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:43,659
I don't care what your politics are,
that's not ideal.
356
00:20:45,535 --> 00:20:48,163
That some of our children
think they're birds, that's…
357
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:49,915
not the goal.
358
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,629
But that's not her fault.
That's her parents.
359
00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:58,799
If your daughter thinks she's a hawk,
that is not her.
360
00:20:58,882 --> 00:20:59,925
That is on you.
361
00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:02,803
On you.
That is a girl that's never been told,
362
00:21:02,886 --> 00:21:05,681
"Come here, honey. Come here.
Come here. Honey, get over here."
363
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:07,557
"Come here. Shut the fuck up."
364
00:21:08,892 --> 00:21:10,936
She's never been
pushed down the stairs, like,
365
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,021
"Fly!"
366
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:18,485
"See? You can't.
You're a liar and a whore."
367
00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:21,613
"And you wasted everybody's time."
368
00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:24,491
"Go to the vet with a broken arm
and tell him you're a hawk,
369
00:21:24,574 --> 00:21:26,034
you fucking narcissist."
370
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:29,746
"You're a narcissist and a liar,
and we're sick of your shit."
371
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,124
"You're not a hawk! You're nothing."
372
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:36,628
"You're a communications major
at a liberal arts school that I pay for!"
373
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:38,297
"I have a drinking problem!"
374
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:41,550
"I can't deal with your shit!"
375
00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:45,012
"You're nothing!
You don't fly, you don't go anywhere!"
376
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:49,683
"You don't get your own fucking food,
you're a liar, you fucked this family up!"
377
00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:52,102
[crowd laughing, cheering]
378
00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:03,363
She doesn't have… She has, like,
white family that go, "I love hawks."
379
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:08,285
"I love bird…"
Like, you know, you don't need that.
380
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:10,162
You know?
381
00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:14,291
You can't talk to kids anymore
382
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:16,710
the way I was talked to.
383
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:18,045
It just doesn't work.
384
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:19,713
Can't do it.
385
00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:22,507
And, listen, is it good that kids
are all about their mental health?
386
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:23,508
Yes.
387
00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,093
They're right.
388
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:26,219
Is it annoying?
389
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:27,679
Yes.
390
00:22:28,263 --> 00:22:29,765
Do we hate them?
391
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:30,724
Yes.
392
00:22:31,266 --> 00:22:32,684
All of that is true,
393
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:34,770
but they're correct.
394
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:37,522
Like, I have friends
whose kids go up to them and they go,
395
00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:40,067
"I have mental problems,
and I need to deal with this."
396
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:41,818
And my friends go, "Good for you."
397
00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:44,488
"I'm here if you need me."
398
00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:48,033
I could have never had that conversation.
399
00:22:48,116 --> 00:22:51,203
If I went to my father and I was like,
"Dad, I have mental problems."
400
00:22:51,286 --> 00:22:53,288
He'd go, "Shut the fuck up."
401
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:56,416
"You and your mother have ruined my life."
402
00:22:57,667 --> 00:23:00,545
"You're both fat,
and our house is disgusting."
403
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:03,423
"It's always a mess when I get home."
404
00:23:03,507 --> 00:23:06,343
"I get in my car,
and I drive to a job I hate
405
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:09,137
so I can buy food
for you and your fat mother."
406
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:13,975
"I come back to this home
and it's filthy every night."
407
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:17,354
"It's disgusting, and I hate myself,
and I want to kill myself,
408
00:23:17,437 --> 00:23:19,481
and I want to kill you and your mother."
409
00:23:19,564 --> 00:23:21,274
"You're fat, and I hate you."
410
00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:24,403
"And I hate my life,
and I hope we all die."
411
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:27,572
And I would go, "Thanks a lot, Dad."
412
00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:31,034
And he'd go,
"Any time you need to talk, I'm here."
413
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:33,620
"I love you, son."
414
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:36,123
"I love you too.
Thank you. I appreciate that."
415
00:23:36,623 --> 00:23:39,126
[crowd laughing, cheering]
416
00:23:41,628 --> 00:23:44,631
Lot of mental illness
now in America. There's tons.
417
00:23:44,714 --> 00:23:45,757
You know?
418
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,968
A lot of it.
If you don't have a mental illness,
419
00:23:49,052 --> 00:23:49,928
get one.
420
00:23:51,138 --> 00:23:52,013
Get one.
421
00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:56,143
And people will tell you now
how fucked-up they are.
422
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:57,936
People just unload on you.
423
00:23:58,019 --> 00:24:00,689
People used to have shame,
and what that meant
424
00:24:00,772 --> 00:24:04,860
was that they would hide things
about themself that were unflattering.
425
00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:06,653
That's shame.
426
00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:11,032
"I don't want to tell you something
about me that makes me look bad."
427
00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:12,075
That was a thing
428
00:24:12,742 --> 00:24:14,035
for a very long time.
429
00:24:15,036 --> 00:24:16,580
That is no longer a thing.
430
00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:18,874
And some of that
431
00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:20,333
should come back.
432
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:25,922
Because now you go to lunch with somebody
and you're like, "Want to split wings?"
433
00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:28,925
They're like,
"I have borderline personality disorder."
434
00:24:32,345 --> 00:24:34,139
You're like, "All right, Buffalo?"
435
00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:36,808
"Barbecue?"
436
00:24:37,684 --> 00:24:38,852
"What… what are you…"
437
00:24:40,729 --> 00:24:44,357
My friend thinks he has that,
borderline personality disorder.
438
00:24:45,525 --> 00:24:47,861
He told me that.
He goes, "I have borderline."
439
00:24:47,944 --> 00:24:49,237
I go, "What does that mean?"
440
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:52,199
He goes, "It means I ruin
every relationship in my life."
441
00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:54,868
I'm like, "Oh, you're a piece of shit."
442
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:02,000
"What is the test for that?
How does that get determined?"
443
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:06,087
And then there's bipolar,
and bipolar is like the sexy one
444
00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:08,048
'cause it's a little mysterious.
445
00:25:08,131 --> 00:25:09,424
You know?
446
00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:11,468
Bipolar is like a little, you know…
447
00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:12,469
Oh…
448
00:25:13,428 --> 00:25:14,721
[moaning]
449
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:20,060
"I'm a bipolar little whore."
450
00:25:22,103 --> 00:25:23,647
"Or I'm not."
451
00:25:28,985 --> 00:25:30,862
My mother was an OG.
452
00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:32,239
She was a schizophrenic.
453
00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:35,700
She didn't diagnose herself
on LinkedIn like these faggot kids.
454
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:39,538
My mother was a real psychopath,
and we locked her up.
455
00:25:39,621 --> 00:25:42,290
That's what you do with psychos,
you put them in a cell.
456
00:25:43,250 --> 00:25:46,545
You say "You want to go out to eat?"
and then you visit them once a year.
457
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:48,672
[Tim laughs]
458
00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:53,176
You know how I know schizophrenia is real?
459
00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:55,345
Nobody's pretending to have that.
460
00:25:57,472 --> 00:25:59,516
Nobody's getting out of work like that.
461
00:26:00,016 --> 00:26:02,561
Nobody's calling up and they're like,
"Hey, I can't come in…"
462
00:26:02,644 --> 00:26:03,770
[exclaiming]
463
00:26:06,147 --> 00:26:08,650
They're like,
"Oh, you do sound bad. Take the day."
464
00:26:09,651 --> 00:26:10,694
"Take the day."
465
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:16,116
I know anxiety and depression are bad.
I get it. I've had them.
466
00:26:16,199 --> 00:26:19,369
I know they're bad.
But you know you have them.
467
00:26:20,036 --> 00:26:23,290
You'll tell people.
You'll go, "I'm depressed."
468
00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:25,041
And they go, "That sucks."
469
00:26:26,209 --> 00:26:28,461
If you went up to my mother
and you were like,
470
00:26:28,545 --> 00:26:30,380
"Patty, you're a schizophrenic."
471
00:26:30,463 --> 00:26:31,840
She'd go, "Oh, really?"
472
00:26:32,757 --> 00:26:34,759
"Just 'cause they're poisoning my food?"
473
00:26:37,512 --> 00:26:39,514
"Just 'cause Koreans are following me?"
474
00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:42,642
That was her thing. I don't know why.
475
00:26:42,726 --> 00:26:45,812
I walked into my house once.
I was really high. I was 15 years old.
476
00:26:45,895 --> 00:26:47,606
I walked in and she goes, "Hey!"
477
00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:48,815
I go, "Yeah!"
478
00:26:48,898 --> 00:26:51,693
She goes, "Koreans are following me,
but don't worry."
479
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:54,654
"They're protecting me."
And I went, "Good shit."
480
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:04,122
That's how I knew that gymnast
at the Olympics was full of shit.
481
00:27:04,205 --> 00:27:07,792
When she was like,
"I can't compete. I have mental problems."
482
00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:09,753
And I'm like, "That's not how it works."
483
00:27:10,253 --> 00:27:13,381
"You don't have enough mental problems.
I know real lunatics,
484
00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:15,508
and real lunatics…
485
00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:16,593
compete."
486
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:21,890
If you went to
my mother's mental institution,
487
00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:24,601
and were like, "Patty, you're going
to the Olympics," she'd go,
488
00:27:24,684 --> 00:27:25,852
"Yes, I am."
489
00:27:27,395 --> 00:27:30,565
And we'd put her fat ass in a wheelchair
490
00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:33,777
and we'd roll her onto the mat.
And we'd go, "What's your event?"
491
00:27:33,860 --> 00:27:36,363
And she'd go, "Obama's a Muslim."
We go, "Uh…'
492
00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:40,992
She…
493
00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:45,997
She's been preparing decades
to represent her country
494
00:27:46,831 --> 00:27:47,957
in that event.
495
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:50,377
Why have sports at the Olympics
496
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:53,380
if you can get out of it
for having a bad day? Fuck it.
497
00:27:53,463 --> 00:27:56,091
Give people medals
based on how fucked-up their lives are.
498
00:27:56,174 --> 00:27:57,550
It'll take a half-hour.
499
00:27:58,551 --> 00:28:00,345
"Oh, you were molested. Bronze."
500
00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:04,265
"You were molested
by your father. Silver."
501
00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:06,101
"You molested your father."
502
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:07,602
"Gold."
503
00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:09,688
[crowd laughing, cheering]
504
00:28:16,152 --> 00:28:18,738
Puff Daddy is having
a difficult holiday season.
505
00:28:20,949 --> 00:28:22,075
He is.
506
00:28:22,659 --> 00:28:24,494
Regardless of how we… You know.
507
00:28:25,662 --> 00:28:29,165
But I get it. I get that's a good reason
to cancel somebody.
508
00:28:29,249 --> 00:28:31,209
You know? He's a demon.
509
00:28:31,292 --> 00:28:33,294
Fuck him. Throw him in jail.
510
00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:37,674
There's people that got canceled
for doing nothing wrong.
511
00:28:37,757 --> 00:28:39,843
What the fuck did Lizzo do?
512
00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:41,803
Lizzo got canceled for what?
513
00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:43,805
She got canceled by her own people.
514
00:28:43,888 --> 00:28:45,849
Her own backup fats
515
00:28:47,058 --> 00:28:48,727
tried to cancel their mother.
516
00:28:48,810 --> 00:28:52,313
These ungrateful piglets
tried to cancel their mother.
517
00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:54,190
She gave them life.
518
00:28:54,274 --> 00:29:00,029
She found those bitches at Chick-fil-A,
and in gas stations, having milkshakes.
519
00:29:00,113 --> 00:29:03,908
You can't be a fat backup dancer.
That's not even a job.
520
00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:07,203
I can't stand behind Taylor Swift, like…
521
00:29:08,955 --> 00:29:10,790
I'd be tased by the government,
522
00:29:10,874 --> 00:29:14,043
and these fat bitches
had the one job they'd ever get.
523
00:29:14,127 --> 00:29:15,754
How do you quit that job?
524
00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:18,047
How hard could those routines have been?
525
00:29:20,675 --> 00:29:22,761
Half of them are on oxygen, just like…
526
00:29:22,844 --> 00:29:26,264
[gasping]
527
00:29:29,684 --> 00:29:34,439
Lizzo had a show to find these women
called Lizzo, Here Come The Big Girls.
528
00:29:34,939 --> 00:29:36,566
Which sounds like a threat.
529
00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:41,863
It sounds like something
you hear on a police scanner.
530
00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:44,824
You know, "Here come the big girls.
Get on the horse."
531
00:29:45,825 --> 00:29:48,119
"Don't fuck around,
these are the big girls."
532
00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:50,622
"Get on the horse, now."
533
00:29:53,583 --> 00:29:55,293
And the premise of the show
534
00:29:55,376 --> 00:29:57,420
was that morbidly obese women
535
00:29:57,962 --> 00:30:01,382
who'd always dreamed
of being backup dancers.
536
00:30:04,719 --> 00:30:07,889
But they've been denied that
by the Illuminati.
537
00:30:10,475 --> 00:30:12,018
And gravity. Let's…
538
00:30:14,145 --> 00:30:17,273
The original conspiracy
to keep a big bitch down, like,
539
00:30:18,024 --> 00:30:19,067
let's be honest.
540
00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:24,447
And Lizzo abused them a little bit.
She fucked them up a little bit.
541
00:30:24,531 --> 00:30:26,491
She was mean, she was rude.
542
00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:27,784
So what?
543
00:30:27,867 --> 00:30:31,496
A hot bitch making fun of fat chicks?
Not cool.
544
00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:33,540
Lizzo doing it?
545
00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:35,625
Hilarious.
546
00:30:36,334 --> 00:30:38,628
The funniest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
547
00:30:40,421 --> 00:30:43,216
If you're a fat bitch and turn around
to your backup dancers,
548
00:30:43,299 --> 00:30:45,718
a bunch of fatty boom baddies,
you turn around and go,
549
00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:48,137
"Get it together, you fat slobs."
550
00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:54,519
And they're all just like,
551
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:56,604
[mouthing] "What the fuck?"
552
00:30:56,688 --> 00:30:58,815
"Fuck you, fat bitch, I'll fucking…"
553
00:31:01,025 --> 00:31:03,528
They're suing her in a court,
like in a real court.
554
00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:11,578
Not a candy court, like a real…
555
00:31:11,661 --> 00:31:13,413
Not a chocolate court, like…
556
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,375
And the judge is gonna walk in,
557
00:31:17,458 --> 00:31:20,336
he's gonna look at Lizzo and her
backup dancers and go, "Ladies,
558
00:31:21,045 --> 00:31:22,672
I can't tell any of you apart."
559
00:31:26,092 --> 00:31:28,928
"So I'm giving you all
a gift certificate to Dairy Queen."
560
00:31:29,762 --> 00:31:31,764
"Because you're all Dairy Queens."
561
00:31:34,142 --> 00:31:35,143
"And I love you."
562
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:37,604
You know?
563
00:31:38,396 --> 00:31:41,399
That's all there is to do
in that situation, you know?
564
00:31:41,482 --> 00:31:42,650
Can't do anything else.
565
00:31:43,151 --> 00:31:46,863
Celebrities, a lot of them are using
Ozempic. Great, just don't lie about it.
566
00:31:46,946 --> 00:31:49,616
Khloé Kardashian had the nerve to say…
567
00:31:49,699 --> 00:31:51,242
She's like, "I got a trainer."
568
00:31:54,287 --> 00:31:55,830
Bitch, you have a new head.
569
00:31:57,582 --> 00:31:59,918
You didn't get a trainer,
you got a necromancer.
570
00:32:00,001 --> 00:32:01,628
Or you went into the woods,
571
00:32:01,711 --> 00:32:04,464
you dug up the body
of an Indigenous child,
572
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,341
you sucked out its soul.
573
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:09,469
That's sorcery,
that's not sit-ups, that's fine.
574
00:32:09,552 --> 00:32:12,388
But don't lie, don't lie about what it is.
575
00:32:15,892 --> 00:32:18,853
Comedy takes you to interesting places.
I was in Finland
576
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,440
recently, and the woman who booked me
came up to me and she said,
577
00:32:22,523 --> 00:32:24,817
"Hey, can I ask you a question?"
I said, "Yeah."
578
00:32:24,901 --> 00:32:27,612
She goes, "Do you have
any school shooting material?"
579
00:32:29,989 --> 00:32:31,491
And I was like, "Yes."
580
00:32:33,451 --> 00:32:35,370
And she said, "Well, you can't do it
581
00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,373
today." And I said, "Why?"
582
00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:40,375
She said, "We just had a school shooting."
583
00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:42,627
I said, "I'm really sorry,
how many kids died?"
584
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:43,795
She said, "One."
585
00:32:43,878 --> 00:32:44,754
I said,
586
00:32:44,837 --> 00:32:46,005
"Fuck you."
587
00:32:47,423 --> 00:32:52,470
"I'm from the United States of America,
you insensitive bitch."
588
00:32:52,553 --> 00:32:55,181
"One dead kid is a good day."
589
00:32:57,392 --> 00:32:59,936
One dead kid
wouldn't get you off the phone.
590
00:33:00,436 --> 00:33:02,438
If you were on the phone
and your kid came in and said,
591
00:33:02,522 --> 00:33:03,982
"There was a shooting, one kid died,"
592
00:33:04,065 --> 00:33:06,943
you'd go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where does the cruise go?"
593
00:33:08,277 --> 00:33:09,487
[laughing, whooping]
594
00:33:09,570 --> 00:33:10,780
[cheering]
595
00:33:15,201 --> 00:33:18,871
And the school shooting story I had,
it was a real story, it was a false alarm.
596
00:33:18,955 --> 00:33:20,623
So you don't have to be upset.
597
00:33:20,707 --> 00:33:23,292
My friend called me
and her 15-year-old son was in school.
598
00:33:23,376 --> 00:33:24,419
He sent her a text.
599
00:33:24,502 --> 00:33:27,255
He said, "Mom, there's an active shooter
and I'm hiding."
600
00:33:27,338 --> 00:33:29,090
"And if anything happens,
601
00:33:29,173 --> 00:33:31,551
I want you and Dad to know
that I love you."
602
00:33:31,634 --> 00:33:34,971
Which is, like,
a terrible text to get, but sweet.
603
00:33:39,517 --> 00:33:41,561
Because of the "I love you" at the end.
604
00:33:43,896 --> 00:33:49,527
I never would have sent that text
at 14-years-old to my parents.
605
00:33:49,610 --> 00:33:52,905
I'd have been like, "Mom and Dad,
there's an active shooter, I'm hiding."
606
00:33:52,989 --> 00:33:57,452
"And if anything happens, let's be honest,
none of us really put in the effort here."
607
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,539
"There's an active shooter
at this public school
608
00:34:01,622 --> 00:34:03,249
you send me to for free."
609
00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:05,752
"What were the chances? Pretty good."
610
00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:06,836
[laughs]
611
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:08,755
"Don't let that haunt you at the funeral
612
00:34:08,838 --> 00:34:11,174
if you can afford one,
you lazy piece of shit."
613
00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:13,676
"By the way,
these texts are going out green."
614
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,846
"Are you even on Wi-Fi, you scumbag?"
615
00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:25,521
This Rainey Street killer
is something, huh?
616
00:34:26,564 --> 00:34:28,691
Just throwing people in the lake.
617
00:34:29,776 --> 00:34:31,444
What do you think about that, ma'am?
618
00:34:31,527 --> 00:34:33,362
[woman] I have a husband
in the Parks and Rec.
619
00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:35,740
Okay. You have a husband
who works in the Parks and Rec.
620
00:34:35,823 --> 00:34:37,200
[woman] And his insight is that--
621
00:34:37,283 --> 00:34:38,117
His insight.
622
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:41,287
-[woman] There's too many drunk people.
-There's way too many drunk people.
623
00:34:41,370 --> 00:34:44,332
Well, here's the thing, we know
there's way too many drunk people.
624
00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:47,710
We also now know
that your husband is the killer.
625
00:34:48,795 --> 00:34:50,797
[crowd laughing, applauding]
626
00:34:56,344 --> 00:34:58,262
She's like, "There's so many drunk people,
627
00:34:58,346 --> 00:35:01,641
my husband literally comes home
with their blood all over his body."
628
00:35:03,017 --> 00:35:06,479
"Every night, he comes home
bloody and exhausted."
629
00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:10,024
"He's got dirt all over him."
I'm like, "Were you swimming in a lake?"
630
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:12,735
He's like,
"I was trying to save a drunk guy…
631
00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:18,491
who was drowning and he bit me in the neck
as I was saving him
632
00:35:18,574 --> 00:35:20,576
and he clawed me, it's crazy."
633
00:35:26,749 --> 00:35:29,043
I hope it's true. You need a killer.
634
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,962
You need a killer.
635
00:35:31,045 --> 00:35:34,966
Especially Austin, there's too many
confident tech people… jogging.
636
00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:35,925
It's like…
637
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:41,556
A few of them should think it's at least
a possibility, you know what I mean?
638
00:35:44,767 --> 00:35:46,477
Like, it's good to have that.
639
00:35:48,396 --> 00:35:51,691
It's a tough way to die, though.
In the middle of the lake, going down.
640
00:35:51,774 --> 00:35:54,277
Surrounded by real estate
you can't afford.
641
00:35:56,195 --> 00:35:58,156
It's just a final scroll on Zillow.
642
00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:00,533
You know,
"God, that's a beautiful backyard--"
643
00:36:00,616 --> 00:36:02,451
[gurgling]
644
00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:12,378
You're from Texas? You got the shirt.
645
00:36:13,004 --> 00:36:14,463
-Grew up here?
-[man] Yeah.
646
00:36:14,547 --> 00:36:17,258
-How long?
-Uh, 26 years.
647
00:36:17,341 --> 00:36:18,968
Twenty-six years, good for you.
648
00:36:19,051 --> 00:36:21,470
-What town did you grow up in?
-Austin and Fort Worth.
649
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:22,388
Broken home?
650
00:36:22,471 --> 00:36:23,306
Yeah.
651
00:36:23,389 --> 00:36:24,557
[crowd laughing]
652
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:26,142
Me too. You know?
653
00:36:26,809 --> 00:36:29,979
"A little Austin, a little Fort Worth."
I'm like, "And a lot of tears."
654
00:36:32,273 --> 00:36:34,317
-This is a lovely woman. You guys dating?
-Yes.
655
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:35,651
Well, you guys are really cute.
656
00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:38,196
You're a cute couple. I hope it works.
657
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:40,364
-Do you guys… What do you do?
-[woman] I work in tech.
658
00:36:40,448 --> 00:36:41,616
Okay, what about you?
659
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,951
-Fintech.
-[Tim] Fintech.
660
00:36:44,035 --> 00:36:45,286
You're both disgusting.
661
00:36:50,499 --> 00:36:52,543
I'd rather this couple of incestuous…
662
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:58,341
This woman
who pretends she flies, and then
663
00:36:58,424 --> 00:37:00,760
this fucking, you know,
corrections officer
664
00:37:00,843 --> 00:37:03,304
who's probably running
fight clubs in a jail.
665
00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:06,891
I mean, who cares if they have sex
and they're related, it doesn't matter.
666
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:10,603
You see these tech pieces of shit?
They look like human beings.
667
00:37:10,686 --> 00:37:14,065
You want to like them, like, "Oh, your
parents are divorced, so are mine."
668
00:37:14,148 --> 00:37:15,233
"You're probably cool."
669
00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:17,693
Then she's like, "I'm in tech."
He's like, "I'm in fintech."
670
00:37:17,777 --> 00:37:19,695
You go, "Oh, fuck off."
671
00:37:21,364 --> 00:37:24,033
This fucker, you know,
came up with Venmo or something.
672
00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:29,330
You used to be able to get out of shit.
Used to be able to go, "Yeah, I don't…"
673
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:32,750
Now they're like, "Well, you Venmo me."
You're like… [sighs]
674
00:37:35,253 --> 00:37:37,546
"Yeah, all right,
I guess we'll do that, but…
675
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,885
we could also, you know,
never see each other, and…"
676
00:37:45,179 --> 00:37:48,432
We fight about the trans kid issue a lot.
That's a big issue, huh?
677
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:49,725
All the trans children.
678
00:37:50,393 --> 00:37:53,896
I don't care, I don't have any trans kids,
it's 'cause I don't have any kids.
679
00:37:55,481 --> 00:37:56,482
That's math.
680
00:37:57,483 --> 00:38:00,194
But if I found a kid and was
gonna raise him, if I had a son
681
00:38:00,278 --> 00:38:03,072
and he was like, "Dad, I'm trans."
I'd be like, "Good. Great. Fine."
682
00:38:03,155 --> 00:38:04,824
"You want a pussy? Fine."
683
00:38:04,907 --> 00:38:06,742
"But we're getting it tonight!"
684
00:38:08,619 --> 00:38:09,829
"Shit or get off the pot."
685
00:38:09,912 --> 00:38:12,373
"You want a pussy?
You'll wake up with a pussy."
686
00:38:12,456 --> 00:38:14,667
"Get in the car! Get in the car!"
687
00:38:15,501 --> 00:38:17,753
And I'll spend good money
on my son's pussy.
688
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:21,299
I'll spend good money on my son's pussy.
689
00:38:21,382 --> 00:38:23,384
I'm not going to take him to Mexico,
690
00:38:23,467 --> 00:38:25,970
get him a cheap pussy, it gets infected,
691
00:38:26,053 --> 00:38:27,972
he gets gangrene, he gets a blood clot,
692
00:38:28,055 --> 00:38:30,141
it goes to his head, he has a stroke.
693
00:38:30,224 --> 00:38:33,144
People go, "What happened to your son?"
I'm like, "Sit. It's a story."
694
00:38:33,894 --> 00:38:35,855
I'm gonna get him an expensive pussy,
695
00:38:35,938 --> 00:38:38,441
but I'm gonna make him
show it to people at Christmas.
696
00:38:38,524 --> 00:38:40,318
I'm gonna go, "Take it out, right now."
697
00:38:41,068 --> 00:38:43,779
"Look at his pussy, Ma.
$30,000, smell it."
698
00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:48,117
"Smell his pussy.
Smell your grandson's pussy. 30 grand."
699
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:49,535
"Do not be shy."
700
00:38:49,618 --> 00:38:52,538
"Your rich faggot father
bought you a pussy."
701
00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:57,710
"And it's Christmas, it's God's birthday,
and he wants to see your pussy too."
702
00:38:57,793 --> 00:39:00,296
"Show your pussy to God right now."
703
00:39:00,379 --> 00:39:03,174
"Show your new pussy to God."
704
00:39:03,257 --> 00:39:06,010
[crowd cheering]
705
00:39:08,721 --> 00:39:10,681
That joke will not be for everyone.
706
00:39:16,812 --> 00:39:19,315
I did that
at a fundraiser the other night.
707
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:23,027
The woman who booked me
was like, "What's wrong with you?"
708
00:39:23,110 --> 00:39:26,280
I said, "Listen, we're going to be
the first generation of people
709
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:28,157
to buy our children genitals."
710
00:39:28,949 --> 00:39:32,578
"And then we're gonna have to take them
back 'cause they don't appreciate it."
711
00:39:33,162 --> 00:39:34,789
"Oh, you got a C in math?"
712
00:39:35,623 --> 00:39:36,832
"Give me your cock."
713
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:39,794
"Give me your cock, young lady."
714
00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:43,172
"I'm not playing around with you.
It's going in the drawer,
715
00:39:43,255 --> 00:39:46,008
next to your sister-brother's tits.
Give me your cock."
716
00:39:47,009 --> 00:39:50,221
"No daughter of mine is going to get
a C in math and keep her cock."
717
00:39:50,304 --> 00:39:52,473
"Give me your cock right now."
718
00:39:52,973 --> 00:39:54,892
"Listen to me. I'm your mother."
719
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:56,519
And I'll look just like this.
720
00:39:56,602 --> 00:39:59,313
"I'm your mother!"
721
00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,190
Good night, everybody. Thank you.
722
00:40:01,273 --> 00:40:02,733
[crowd cheering]
723
00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:05,611
Thank you so much.
You guys are so much fun.
724
00:40:05,694 --> 00:40:08,989
Thank you to Joe Rogan.
Thank you, Austin, we love you guys.
725
00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:10,491
Do not get in a plane with her.
726
00:40:11,158 --> 00:40:12,660
Thank you so much.
727
00:40:12,743 --> 00:40:14,161
I like incest.
728
00:40:14,245 --> 00:40:16,622
Thank you so much. Give it up for incest.
729
00:40:16,705 --> 00:40:20,459
Kill the tech people outside.
Kill them if you see them. Kill them.
730
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,420
Thank you. Good night!
731
00:40:22,503 --> 00:40:26,173
[country rock music playing]