Downloaded from YTS.MX
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[HUMMING]
♪ Anything is possible ♪
- [CROWD CHEERING] - CATASH: This is what we're waiting for.
He performed at the Apollo in Harlem.
[CROWD CHEERING]
- He performed with four SNL cast members. - [CROWD CHEERING]
And five WWE Hall of Famers.
Put your hands together for my boy Tim Loulies.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, Virginia Beach. Thank you so much.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Man, there's such a great mixed crowd in here tonight,
I'm like, man, we can't call this dude a cracker.
This fat son of a bitch is a stuffed crust.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Ain't nothing thin and crispy about me, damn it.
I'll go ahead and address this right now before one of y'all say something.
I know this shirt is tight as hell.
- [CROWD LAUGHING] - When you reach this level obesity,
you can live that wrinkle-free lifestyle. I ain't gotta iron shit.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
A lot of y'all ain't never seen me before.
You're like, "Who the hell is this diabetic-looking Billy Mays?"
But wait, there's more.
Fat jokes, because I'm retiring these sons of bitches soon.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I've been going through some things medically lately.
My doctor just sent me to go get an MRI knowing damned well
I suffer from extreme claustrophobia.
And I was like, "Doc, you know I don't do good in tight spaces, man."
He said, "I'll give you a few Xanax."
- I was like, "All right, I'll give it a shot then." - [CROWD LAUGHS]
If you've ever been in an MRI machine before,
you know they make a very distinct noise. They do that woop, woop, woop.
I got inside that tube, I started sweating, rocking back and forth.
That machine said "nope, nope, nope."
Shot me out like a cannonball,
said, "Get your fat ass out of this doctor's office."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
In the past 10 months, I've lost 132 pounds.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I mean, I got the surgery. I feel like I kind of cheated a little bit.
You know what I'm saying?
And also because it's turned me into a really pretentious asshole now.
'Cause I'm criticizing other people about their diet choices.
You know what I'm saying? What they like to eat.
I go over to my little niece's and nephew's house,
can't let them have a good time at a birthday party.
I'm like, ugh, chocolate cake, vanilla ice cream.
Ugh, you're gonna turn into a type two diabetic. Ugh.
They're like, "Don't stand up so fast, Uncle Tim. You're still fat."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
When I work out, I go to gym called Planet Fitness.
- I know y'all know about this bullshit. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
At Planet Fitness, they call themselves the Judgment-Free Zone,
and they give out Tootsie Rolls at the front counter.
And if there's some members in here tonight to be my witness,
- on Monday nights, they give their members... - CROWD: Pizza.
Pizza.
It's pizza night at Planet Fitness on Mondays, y'all.
You can go into this gym and see people sitting down eating pizza.
I'm, like, I just left my house to get away from this bullshit, man.
- What's next? 40-oz Fridays? - [CROWD LAUGHS]
People getting up on the treadmill gnawing on crust,
spilling ranch dressing on the elliptical machines.
Dude's bench pressing, breathing all heavy,
smelling like Papa John's garlic sauce.
I just never felt more justified to say with all the convictions of the bottom of my heart,
like, ugh, you fat, sloppy bastards.
- Get your life together. This is disgusting. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
It's hard for me to get motivated to get out of my house and get to the gym.
But when I'm in that parking lot, I'm trying to psych myself out
and do everything I can to not go into this place.
But, you know, like, it's my intention to do 2.5 miles on the treadmill.
But if I don't get that front parking spot...
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Fuck this. This work out can wait till Monday.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
When I get in the gym, I get stretched out.
I get on a machine, I start going hard,
and right in the middle of my set someone's always coming to stop me, like,
"Sir. Sir."
I take out my earphones. "Yes, ma'am. Can I help you?"
"Look, I just want to tell you. Keep going. Don't ever give up."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I said, "Bitch..."
"Didn't I just see you stuffing a meat lovers down your throat a few minutes ago?
"Quit talking to me."
But it feels great when you lose weight.
when you run into folks you haven't seen in a while,
and they give you compliments on the way that you look.
Now, I come from a place called Portsmouth, Virginia.
[CROWD CHEERING]
You all followed me here.
Now, see, Portsmouth, we've been rated our state's
most dangerous city six years in a row.
When I got out of high school, I didn't make a wise career decision.
I didn't go into the military. I didn't go to college.
I hung out with all the thugs and the hoodlums.
You couldn't tell me shit back then.
But you know what's really disheartening,
I see some of my same friends now in our late 30s early 40s
still doing the same stupid shit we used to do when we were 17.
These knuckleheads that don't grow up.
- I know y'all know folks like this. - CROWD: Yup.
And if you ask 'em if they're staying out of trouble,
this is what they tell you nowadays.
"Oh, I ain't about that life no more."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I went to a friend's house I ain't seen in, like, 10 or 12 years.
He's like, "Damn, Tim, you're looking good." I said, "I appreciate that, man."
I was like, "How you been? You been staying out of trouble?
He's like, "I ain't about that life no more, man.
"I ain't about that life no more."
The whole time he was smoking a blunt on his front porch, cleaning a stolen pistol,
with imitation tags on his license plate like they're cut out of a box.
I wrote a 24 on that shit.
I said, "What's wrong with you, man? You're asking to get..."
See... See, I don't... I don't give the police a reason to pull me over.
I always make sure my tags and stickers are always legit.
Once, you know, I got stopped, ironically, while driving to the gym...
[CROWD LAUGHING]
You know, I got a citation for eating while driving.
This is a law in 41 states, and it's got to stop, too, because in my case,
that's profiling, damn it.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
This cop walks up to my window and he says, "Young man, do you know what I stopped you for?
"I don't know, Officer, but I know I wasn't speeding."
And he said, "I saw you eating a candy bar."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I said, " Officer, this is a Muscle Milk protein bar."
I ain't about that life no more, man.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I can't be like that anymore. My health really caught up to me.
I'll give you a personal trouble for a second.
About six, seven years ago, I got diagnosed with kidney cancer.
I went under the knife. I had some of the best doctors in Virginia.
They got the entire tumor out. I just went for a checkup.
They think it's gonna be a zero chance of recurrence.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I've never had a long-term stay in the hospital before,
and I witnessed quite a few discomforts.
And one particular discomfort really stood out from the rest.
Fellas, if there was ever a time to actually appreciate not being so well-endowed,
it's when you have to have three separate catheters inserted over a period of five days.
[CROWD LAUGHS, GROANS]
If you don't know what catheter is, let me explain this to you real quick.
This is a tube with the diameter of a number two pencil,
the only pencil certified for the SATs.
Well, they fully inserted it into my, erm... My love muscle. My...
I mean, you know, I'm trying to be artistic. I could have just said my dick.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Now, I carry an average Snickers bar.
It's not the fun size, but I ain't packing a king either.
I just appreciate it was a relatively short trip in,
- if you know what I'm talking about. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
They had me doped up on this painkiller called Dilaudid.
[EXHALES] That shit make morphine feel like a Tylenol.
I was hearing crazy shit. I was saying crazy shit.
I had some really cute nurses I was flirting with.
I'm a big movie fan. I like to speak in movie references.
And my favorite movie ever was Coming To America with Eddie Murphy.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Them girls were down there working underneath my gown,
I was hoping one would pop up and be like,
- "Your royal penis is clean, Your Highness." - [CROWD LAUGHS]
I'll give it to you right here in the hospital, girls. Shit.
I was trying to fuck the nurses in the hospital, too.
I couldn't take them home with me. My living situation's little complicated.
I hate living with people, but sometimes financial circumstances,
you gotta do what you gotta do.
The problem is nowadays in this era of, like, Facebook and Twitter.
when things go wrong in the household,
they'll shoot these little indirect shots at you online.
They're gonna be talking about you.
You think a grown man could take out the garbage at least once a week.
Somebody need to do these damn dishes in this house.
- My parents are savages on their social media, ya'll. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
I've not always used to live in the city.
Actually, when I was a kid, I grew up out in the country.
I grew up out in the country country.
You know, you live out in the country when DirectTV won't fuck with your ass.
When I was a kid, I grew up on a Perdue chicken farm,
and every morning I got on that school bus, I smelled like either one of two things,
- fried chicken or chicken shit. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Now, when my mom left my dad, we moved to the city.
All my family and friends, they were worried about me.
They were like, "Aw, little Timmy.
"We're so worried about you moving out there to the city.
"They have so much crime in the city. They have gangs in the city."
I'm gonna tell you all something right now.
They have gangs out in the country. They are called hunt clubs.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
These sons of bitches shoot at each other. They're fighting for territory.
This is some honky-ass thuggery going on out in the sticks y'all.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And the men take their sons hunting with them,
so these little assholes emulate this shit at school.
My first day in the seventh grade,
these three little boys cornered me,
and they said, "Hey, this here middle school,
"is in the territory of the Boxelder Hunt Club."
He said, "If you're gonna wear a jacket in this school,
it better be either one of two colors, either UPS brown or canary yellow.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"You see what's going on right here with this fancy jacket you got on
"with this royal blue and this blaze orange.
"We can't pronounce the name of this hunt club, boy. Who are you with?"
I said, "I'm a New York Knicks fan, you asshole."
They said, "When you tell the New York Ka-nicks
"to stay off my pawpaw's property."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
But these lights... These lights are hot as shit, man.
About to sweat my next to last chin off of this bitch.
Thank God we ain't got to wear them masks no more, man. Fuck them masks.
But if there was a silver lining to wearing those masks, I'll tell you something...
There is no man, material or God would be more honest with you about your breath.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Then what those damned masks were.
You ain't gotta worry about Covid no more. The flu is still killing people.
And you'll get sick, man. You get sick easy nowadays, man.
I don't care where you are, I travel all over the country, and I'm telling you,
it could be 80 degrees one day, 30 degrees the next, no matter where you're at.
And I used to be a big skeptic of climate change, but something is not right anymore.
Can you explain to me how the hell I caught frostbite on December 6
and a mosquito bite on December 9. That shit is what's happening, man.
[CROWD LAUGHS, CLAPPING]
A lot of people, including myself, get this seasonal depression.
So, you know, when it starts getting dark early, they feel kind of down.
Do you guys enjoy that about the summer?
- Do you like the longer days the extended sunlight? - [CROWD CHEERS]
- I don't. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Because when you're unemployed, it makes you feel like that much more like a piece of shit.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
You look at your watch, like, it's 7:00 and the sun's still out.
When is this unproductive day gonna end?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I hated my last job. I was a bill collector.
I was one of those assholes calling you from 8:00 in the morning
till 9:00 at night.
And I hated that job because I was living a damn lie.
My weight is literally still higher than my credit score.
How do I tell somebody to pay their Discover card?
I stopped paying Circuit City 11 years ago. They closed down.
- What have you done for me lately? - [CROWD LAUGHS]
The highlight of my day... We call all over the country. The highlight of my day
was when I would get an old southern Baptist black woman on the phone.
They answer the phone like this. "Praise the Lord, now."
But by the end of that conversation, like,
"You ever call this goddamn house again talking bullshit about me paying bills."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Yes, ma'am.
Now, see, I was one of the best bill collectors because he used me to track folks down
because people don't answer their phones no more.
You got to sneak around. You gotta get creative. You got to go through their...
Calling through their neighbors, through their families,
through their jobs. whatever you got to do.
They got me to find Jason Kidd back when he played with the Dallas Mavericks.
I caught him on a team bus, got him to pay a $7,000 bill on the spot.
And that's another reason I was the best bill collector because if you owed me money
you're paying it in full today, no payments, no exceptions.
I remember I was blasting this guy on the phone one time.
I said, " Sir, you owe this Patient First Clinic $1,230.58.
"Now, what are we going to do about this?"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
He thinks he's slick like he's gonna give me the run around.
He's like, "Oh, you know, Mr. Loulies, times are really tough right now.
"It's the holidays. The family dog passed away on us.
"And they're cutting my hours on the job.
"Can we work something out? Can I make payments, please?"
I said "No. Uh-uh. There'll be no exceptions on this matter."
I said, "You've got 30 seconds to go and get your checkbook or a debit card.
"You're paying this bill in full right now."
So, I wait for him to come back. I got a call on the line
thinking it's a customer calling in to pay a bill.
So, I answer with the most authoritative voice.
"Transworld Collection Systems. This is Mr. Loulies. How may I help you?"
"Yes. Hi, Mr. Loulies."
"Yes, this is Mr. Loulies."
"Well, is this Timothy Michael Loulies?"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
So, I ducked down in my cubicle.
"Who? Who is this?"
"Oh, this is Mrs. Adams from Portfolio Recovery Services.
"We're calling to see what you can do about your Circuit City bill, sir."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I said, "Damn, you found me."
I said, "Check this out, Mrs. Adams, I want you to listen to something.
"I want you to listen really good, okay?"
[SIGHS WEARILY] "Times are kind of tough right now, Mrs. Adams.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"May I make payments, please?"
All right, you know... I got to... I got to confess.
I wasn't telling the truth, all right, when I first set up that joke.
- I'm actually still a bill collector. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
And I'm glad I got you here tonight
because I couldn't get your ass on the phone.
[CROWD LAUGHS, CLAPPING]
I'm playing, I'm playing. I really did lose my job at the collection agency
because I failed a piss test.
What the hell does smoking weed got to do with how you collect bills?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I care how you pay your bills. I understand that.
I had to stop smoking weed not just for health purposes, but because
when I used to get high, I used to do some of the most dumb and paranoid shit.
Like, you ever get so high, you're driving down the road
and you light up your best tasting cigarette of your life,
and you drop your cigarette, you stop your car, you get out,
you look underneath the seat, find the cigarette, stand up, shut the door
- and lock your ass out of your own car? - [CROWD LAUGHS]
At a stoplight.
And when you get high, you don't make good diet choices.
You end up at a place like McDonald's. Ugh.
But you want to hurry up and eat,
so you stand in line and you start bitching and complaining like,
"Hey, man, why ain't this line moving, man?
"What y'all got going on back there, man? Move this damn line."
Till you realize you're standing behind the Ronald McDonald statue looking dumb.
As I said, I'm a real big movie fan.
And Star Wars is absolutely killing it right now.
- I'll tell you, man. - [CROWD CHEERING]
Regardless, if you're a Star Wars fan,
you got to give that franchise a lot of credit.
They've made tremendous progress, socially.
Because if you didn't know, three out of the last
four feature films, the lead hero is a female.
Now they got Ahsoka killing it.
Ladies are representing for the Jedis. I think that's pretty cool.
[CROWD CHEERING]
But I still don't thinkStar Wars has gone far enough.
Because we've had a black Jedi. We've had elderly Jedi. We've had a crippled Jedi.
- And I'm ready to see the gay Jedi. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Yeah, now picture, if you will, the gay Jedi runs up on the scene,
picks up his hot pink lightsaber with a vibrating handle.
- [IMITATING VIBRATING] - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Little light potpourri scent, hair blowing in the wind and shit.
And when he swings that lightsaber, it's not that traditional sound
we're used to hearing, like... [IMITATING LIGHTSABER SWISHING]
It's more like, [IN EFFEMINATE VOICE] hey, hey. hey.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] They might as well. Gay dudes are ambitious nowadays.
They're in the the NBA, they're professional wrestling and getting drafted to the NFL.
You give a gay dude an inch, he just wants to take nine more.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Hey, if you don't like that joke,
you can suck on Wookiee penis, damn it.
That is well-crafted material right there.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I recently just saw that movie The Creator
about artificial intelligence. That's some scary shit, man.
If you ain't seen this movie, I ain't gonna spoil it for you,
but what it's about is artificial intelligence
becomes sentient beings, and they start forming relationships with humans.
- Humans start falling in love with them. - WOMAN: No way.
Ladies, let me tell y'all something,
when artificial gets into the dating scene at that level, you're fucked.
Because men, we know what we want.
- Ladies, you don't know what the fuck you want. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
You don't want the honest, faithful Frank 9000.
Bitch, C-3PO ain't gonna suck on your toes.
Now, can you imagine the arguments?
Ladies, can you imagine the arguments you would try to have to have
You would try to have to have with these artificial... Artificial intelligent beings?
Try to pull that "Oh, it's your fault because I match energy" bullshit.
Like, bitch, what with my battery? What the fuck?
You ain't matching no lithium ion.
The fuck is wrong with you?
And you know what's frustrating for me, man?
It's like, you know, it's like I got rid of...
I'm getting rid of one insecurity with losing the weight,
and now I gotta deal with another. It's the loose skin, right.
So, now I gotta have a whole new approach with women.
But ladies, it shouldn't be that hard of a sell, right? I mean, you like bean bags?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
- Do you like oversized hoodies? - [CROWD CHEERING]
You like cute little furry animals?
Fuck the sugar daddy, get you a sugar glider.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Sugar glider jump right off the dresser right onto the bed.
Look, ladies, if it grosses you out a little bit...
I had dudes say, "Oh, man. What you gonna do with the ladies, man?
"All that loose skin. What are you gonna wear? Spanx?"
I ain't gonna wear no damned Spanx.
I'm gonna wear Under Armour, goddamn it. Shit.
The Rock wears Under Armour.
Elite college athletes wear Under Armour.
And so does the sugar glider, damn it.
I got some of the best Under Armour in the game.
I ain't gonna lie to you, though, where I do have a little bit of challenges
in my dating life sometimes, my choice of footwear,
because I proudly and unapologetically wear Crocs.
If you're somebody that shits on people for wearing Crocs, fuck you.
Crocs are some of the most innovative footwear.
I stepped in a puddle of water one time, my feet were soaking wet.
30 seconds later, boom, they were bone dry.
It really does have the same effect on the ladies, fellas.
So, I'm warning you. Those are the consequences.
[CROWD LAUGHS, GROANS]
I had this redneck one time... I had this redneck one time
tried to tell me, he said "Boy, when you gonna learn?
"You ain't gonna get laid wearing no Crocs."
I said, "Sir, you are talking on a flip phone and wearing a fanny pack.
"Don't you lecture me."
Now, I know we got a lot of rednecks in here tonight.
[CROWD CHEERING]
But I'm gonna tell y'all something.
Today's rednecks, you are soft. Soft.
I remember back when rednecks used to drink Budweiser.
Now they're drinking Bud Light Lime.
I remember back when rednecks used to throw cast-iron horseshoes.
- And now you're throwing beanbags. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
And you know what it is? It's the music.
Because country music today sucks dick.
[CROWD CHEERING, CLAPPING]
And it's reflective of the culture.
That's why rednecks are soft, all right? It's reflective.
Because when I grew up, I was listening to people
who were saying something with their soul.
Like Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson, The older shit like Johnny Cash.
Now these dudes are in these arenas with their shirt off
all rubbed up with oil like WWE wrestlers and shit.
You know, I travel a lot throughout the South,
and sometimes I have to have a very uncomfortable conversation with rednecks.
But, um, I have to tell you something.
- Barack Obama did not steal your America. - [CROWD LAUGHING]
Luke Bryan did, damn it.
Soft.
Now, I may...
You may hear me say some curse words and stuff, but a lot of y'all
- know I am not a vulgar comic, right? - WOMAN: No.
But I do got this one new joke.
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
It's pretty dirty, y'all.
- Y'all want to hear it? - CROWD: Yeah! [CHEERING]
- It's a little nasty. You sure? - CROWD: Yeah.
All right.
So, back in high school, when I was eating pussy, right?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I wasn't doing a very good job because I did not know what a clitoris was.
I didn't know what I was doing.
I was just down there looking like the Chick-fil-A logo going...
You see these young guys... These young boys, they've got no excuse nowadays.
They've got all this information in the palm of their hands. You know what I'm saying?
I mean, I can say that, but when I take some honest reflection,
I don't have an excuse either, because wouldn't you agree
that the '90s was the golden age for hip-hop and R&B?
[CROWD CHEERING]
If I was only hearing what SWV was trying to tell me...
Y'all know this song...
♪ You gotta go downtown That's the way to my love ♪
She said,♪ Lick it round and round ♪
She really did say, "Lick it round and round," on the the unedited version,
not those bullshit CDs we we're buying a Walmart.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And just like in the movieWhite Man Can't Jump
where Wesley Snipes told Woody Harrelson,
"You might be listening to Jimi Hendrix, but you ain't hearing Jimi Hendrix."
If I was only hearing what Coko, Lelee and Taj was trying to tell me...
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Now that joke ain't got a big finish,
- but those young ladies won't get theirs either, so... - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Brand new joke. I just did it for the special tonight.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I dunno, y'all, uh...
- Y'all think that joke has some potential? - CROWD: Yeah! [CHEERING]
- So, I can tell it again sometime? - CROWD: Yeah!
- So, back in high school, when I was eating pussy... - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Now I gotta put this declaimer out there
just in case things get too fresh after the show.
But, um, I don't get with the big girls, man.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
It's not that I'm too picky. It's just that shit don't work out.
The last time me and a big girl got on one of them iron frame beds,
it was like two manatees in a cage match.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
And we did damage to the environment, damn it.
We put holes in the floor, knocked the asbestos out of the wall,
starting a fire.
Like I said, ladies, you don't know what you want, man.
You don't know what you want, because even now,
these women in their late 30's and their 40's
are still going for these toxic ass relationships, right?
You love a toxic-ass man.
And you still like to say, "Oh, I like the bad boy type."
But no, you should've got that bullshit out of your system back in your 20's.
You still like these lame-ass motherfuckers.
And I tried to understand the psychology, so I asked a woman. I was like...
I was like, "What is it you like about this bad boy type?" They always say the same thing.
"Oh, they're so exciting. They're so unpredictable."
Ladies, I'm gonna tell you all something right now.
There ain't nothing more exciting to be with a man who lives his life
on the edge of cardiac arrest.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Shit, I can't even feel my left arm right now.
But I love all the ladies. I love all the ladies.
I love them white. I love them Latina.
But I got a thing for the sisters.
Man, there's some of y'all here tonight making my blood sugar drop.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
You know, in Virginia, we're pretty diverse,
but this is still considered the South, you know.
Growing up, the rest of my family wasn't quite like me.
My parents, they come from the old school, you know.
So, I had to, you know... They weren't quite like me.
I had to sneak around and listen to rap music.
- Had to go behind my parents' back to watch Soul Train. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
One day, my mom, she caught me watchingShowtime at the Apollo,
and she whooped my ass.
But I don't wanna mislead y'all. I ain't got nothing to do with race.
My whole family, we love black folks.
My mom used to whoop my ass because she caught me jerking off to Kiki Shepherd.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Hey, hey, I want to fuck that Popeyes chicken lady.
You seen her? With the short hair. Oh, my God.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
That's my sugar cane sweet tea right there, baby.
Louisiana fast.
- It's making my biscuits hard a little bit. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Which brings me to what I really wanted to talk to all y'all about tonight.
- Interracial babies. They're beautiful, right? - CROWD: Yeah!
Listen, it's the year 2023 of Our Lord.
if you still got that prejudice in your heart, you need to let that bullshit go.
Humans are gonna mix with other races of humans.
In fact, dogs with types of dogs, cats and with types of cats.
But you know something? You don't ever see this with birds.
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
I'm about to lay some deep Animal Planet on your shit.
When's the last time you've seen an interracial bird?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
They must have some bigoted damn parents.
Because you never see a crow mixed with a blue jay to make a navy blue bird.
Or a seagull mixed with a starling to make a seastar.
Bat and a robin mixed to make an actual crime fighting duo.
- You don't see that shit. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Fellas, man... Fellas, if you're out there getting promiscuous,
you better protect yourself.
They got shit that'll kill you a lot quicker than HIV.
I know they're always trying to scare people with all these different viruses,
but what was that thing before Covid? It was called the, um...
- Uh, the Zede... The Z... - WOMAN: Zika.
Zika. The Zika virus. Remember that?
That was the one with the babies coming out with the little heads and shit.
Oh, my God, that's the last thing I need is a fat little bastard
rolling around looking like BB-8.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
So, fellas, we gotta protect ourselves.
Y'all out there getting nasty, getting freaky with it, just remember...
Just remember Geico.
30 seconds or less will save you hundreds on your health insurance.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Possibly thousands in child support, so you better wrap that shit up, damn it.
I tell you what, man, I love this comedy game, man,
because since I've been on this whole comedy thing,
I've been getting a lot more attention from the ladies.
And the attention, that's just half the battle.
Now all I got to do is convince the girl to share a bed with me and my sleep apnea machine.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I don't know if you've ever seen these sleep apnea masks before,
but they make you look like Hannibal Lecter
in the cockpit of an F-18 Super Hornet or some shit.
Not too long ago, one night when I got off the stage,
I went to the bar to find myself a little wounded gazelle.
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
I took her home, did my thing, knocked it out.
I rolled over, put my mask on, went to sleep.
She wanted to start playing around the middle of the night, rubbing on my back,
like, "Wake up, baby, wake up."
She got me on the back of my neck where I'm ticklish at.
So, I turned over...
[WHEEZING]
What's up, baby?
Are you ready for that round two?
I ain't lying. I ain't never seen a Puerto Rican chick turn so white before.
The bitch went from Jennifer Lopez to Jennifer Love Hewitt.
She probably thought I was Darth Vader with a thyroid problem or some shit.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
But if your doctor thinks you have sleep apnea,
what they usually do is send you to a place called a sleep study, right?
You show up in his doctor's office, and it's got, like, 30 bedrooms,
and immediately you're thinking, like, "Man, this ain't no normal doctor's office.
- "Somebody's fucking in here, man." - [CROWD LAUGHS]
So, they put me in this bedroom, They hook up, like, 200 wires and sensors all over my head.
But they were very accommodating, like,
"Mr. Loulies, is there anything we can do to help you get to sleep?"
I was like, "You know, I do like to sleep with a fan."
Boom, they got you a fan.
I said, "May I have a few extra pillows?" They gave me some extra pillows.
I was gonna ask for milk and cookies, but I thought I'd leave it right there, right?
So, the lights go out. I started breathing this cool oxygen,
and I felt something rub up my leg.
I look up, it's the nurse.
She's a sexy little thing. She jumps up on the bed and she straddles me.
And she starts grinding her hips.
Like, hey, man, what kind of sleep study is this?
She said, "Mr. Loulies?" I said, "Yes?"
She said, "Mr. Loulies?"
- I said, "Hell, just call me Tim, baby. What's going on? - [CROWD LAUGHS]
She said, "No, Mr. Loulies?"
And then I woke up and realized there was nobody there.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
- I was actually pleasuring myself. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
And it was a nurse over the loudspeaker, "Mr. Loulies!"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Now, it's every man's worst nightmare to get caught "whacking it", right?
Well, just imagine being mic-ed up...
[CROWD LAUGHS]
...underneath of an infrared camera
with a room of about six or seven nurses
who have been minding your vitals all night.
She's like, "Mr. Loulies, are you sure there's nothing else
"we can do to help you get to sleep?"
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I started to rub my nipples a little bit.
Yeah, baby. Get your ass in here and put me to sleep
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I recently reached out to my half brother and sister,
which I have known about for 16 years, but they weren't aware of this.
My sister lives in Colorado, and my brother lives in Arizona.
When I called my sister I didn't really warm it up or anything.
I just got right to the point. I wasn't like, "Hey, what do you think about
"the Denver Broncos this year?" Or something.
I just said, "Hey, I'm your brother." And it kind of shocked her.
And my dumb ass brother in Arizona, I called him, I dropped this news like,
"Hey, man, I'm actually your brother, and he was like,
"Oh, sounds like my dad."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
"Are you a gamer, man? You console, PC?" I was like, "All right, cool."
You know what I'm saying? It's fucked up, too, man.
And my real dad is... Because the narcissistic piece of shit that I grew up with,
this son of a bitch was like 500, 600 pounds.
He used to bully me for being fat.
I'm like, "Man, you're like one of the Dallas Cowboy fans
defecting to a Washington fan every time you get your ass kicked by the other team.
- [CROWD LAUGHS, GROANS] - MAN: Oh, come on!
Fuck all you Dallas Cowboy fans.
[CROWD BOOING, CHEERING]
And I don't need to hear... I don't need to hear...
I don't need to hear about your five Super Bowl's
back when SWV was teaching me how to eat pussy.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And you want to know something, too?
There's black. There's... There's white.
Black and gold ain't for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
I fucking hate Pittsburgh. My biological...
My biological father likes the Pittsburgh Steelers. Fuck him, too.
Fuck... Fuck Picken... Fuck Pickens. Fuck you, Dad.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And see, what it is is like... At the end of day,
like, my father... My real father was a womanizer, right?
And the son of a bitch is a millionaire.
He's a millionaire. You can afford a child...
You can afford a child, and you never wanted to claim me?
That's a whole another level of rejection.
Now, I probably know how it feels to be a child of a professional athlete.
- You know what I'm saying? It's like... - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Except all this son of a bitch did was have some political influence
in the Norfolk Naval Shipyard.
Like, what the fuck?
Pasty white, old bastard man.
At least, man, if I was a child of a professional athlete,
I would have gotten a better metabolism or some shit.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
So, I know you guys have heard about me talk about my weight tonight. Okay?
I talk about it a lot because it's my life. I gotta discuss it.
But believe it or not, I didn't always used to be this way.
See, from eighth grade to my senior year, I played sports year-round.
I was in fantastic shape. But after high school, what had happened was...
[CROWD LAUGHS]
I'm gonna get vulnerable with y'all for a second, um...
I met a young lady, and I fell in love,
and she broke my heart so bad, I just let myself go.
And you know, it's been my biggest fear in my adult life
to one day run into her out in public when she sees what I have become.
No lie. After all these years, I'm in line at the grocery store,
and there she is right in front on me. She's looking good, too, y'all.
Long jet black hair, thick thighs, a fat ass like she's been working out
at Gold's Gym and not that Planet Fitness bullshit I was talking about earlier.
And she recognized me, but she wasn't like, "Hey, how have you been?"
She was like, "Ew, hi."
But I took the high road and said, "Hey, it was good seeing you."
I looked her up and down again and saw how fantastic she looked.
And then I looked at myself.
All that heartbreak and shame hit me right here in the chest
like it all just happened yesterday.
And right as a tear was about to roll down my face.
- Her debit card declines. [LAUGHS] - [CROWD LAUGHS]
I said, "Thank you, Jesus. You just turned my worst nightmare into a dream."
I said, "Your abs are tight, but so is your finances, bitch."
I said, "Here's my credit card. I'll take them fuel points.
"You can't fuck with the sugar glider, baby." I'm out.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, here we go.
All right. So this is the time right now, ladies and gentlemen,
- what we've been waiting for. Are y'all ready? - [CROWD CHEERING]
Hey, man. Ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to put your hands together before he performed at...
- Okay, I messed up. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
Lord, have mercy. Let me tighten this mike.
See, I didn't get it the first time.
My wife know... Slow down? Take a second?
Okay. Okay. I'll take a second. I'll take a second. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
My wife know at home, if you stopped me in the middle of telling a joke,
- I would never tell the joke right ever again. - [CROWD LAUGHS]
All right. I'm trying to do this. Okay. [MUMBLES]
Memory, memory, memory. Jesus is good, right? Amen.
- Amen, God is good. Halleluiah. - [CROWD CLAPPING]
- All right, let's do this. Are you ready? - [CROWD MURMURS]
- Is he ready? All right. - WOMEN: Ready!
- Are y'all ready, ladies and gentlemen? - [CROWD CHEERING]
This is what we came here for y'all.
Coming to the stage.
He performed at the Apollo and... Dang it.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Dude, I did not mean to jack you up like that, man.
Uh, okay? I mean, what happened, man?
'Cause, you know, I went and I did it straight through, then, you know...
All right, so we had basically two side cams and two center cams, uh...
And before Tim got up, I was concerned about card space.
We were recording 4K, and I was like,
all right, let's just... Let's all, like, load in new cards.
So, we were doing that.
- And so when we do that, we always format. - CATASH: Mmm-hmm.
And you're in... In between spots, so it felt like a good time.
And so we formatted the card, and it said, like,
- 60 megabytes available or something like that. - Right.
And I'm like, well, that's not... That's, like, 2 seconds of footage. Not even.
- Oh, dang. - So, I was like, okay, something's wrong with the card.
Let's just, like, reformat it. So, I reformat it again.
60 megabytes. And I'm like, what the hell is going on?
I mean, it's just getting worse and worse.
And so, uh, I was like, let's put a different card in, so we got a different card.
Put a different card in. And during all this, like, you're coming up on your time,
so I was like, "Tell him to stop. Tell him to stop."
And so, that's when you...
You got the intro right the first time, right?
- The first time I got it right. - FOWLER: Yeah.
CATASH: I got it right the first time,
and then when they were like, "Hold up." Oi.
- FOWLER: Yeah. - So, I'm gonna tell you what happened with me.
- FOWLER: Well... - I... I thought... Oh, you finish what you were saying.
I'll be real. So, we put the card in. We were on our fourth card...
- Uh-huh. - And I realized it was saying 60 gigs available.
- Oh, my God - So, this whole time, I just was reading it wrong.
And I'm like, "Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
"Guys, tell them to go. We're good. We're good. We're good."
And see, me, me, me
knowing this motherfucker as long as I have.
- [LAUGHS] Oh, my God, man. - LOULIES: You know what I'm saying?
Mister... Mister Steal-the-show.
CATASH: Oh. [EXCLAIMS GRACIOUSLY]
Look, he wasn't dressed like Prince that night
because he could have done a whole... He would have done a concert.
I'm sitting here thinking he's just trying to, like,
- add in extra shit, do extra time. - [CATASH LAUGHS]
You know what I'm saying? Just, like, 'cause the crowd was so red hot.
- Oh, they were hot. - LOULIES: Red hot.
So, I thought... I was like... You know, I was like,
"Don't tell me you're doing this now, Catash.
"Don't tell me you're doing this now."
What happened was, after that happened, you know,
like once you go through something, then the energy, you know,
dissipates from my body.
And then all of a sudden, you were like, you know... You know, do it again.
I thought I did some shit wrong, so I was, "Oh, Tim's gonna be mad as hell."
So, I got nervous. Like... Like don't tell me, man.
I tried again... I... I know what I did wrong, so I did it again,
and then that's when I start having brain farts. So, you know what I'm saying?
And in full transparency, from what you saw on the video,
I totally understand. I'm very reactionary.
There was a lot of pressure on me that night.
I not only was thinking about... You know, but before I even got on stage...
I don't even know... I wasn't even really...
I was so focused on the entire night going good
for all the openers, for all the other stuff,
for the people getting in there, for all the set and everything. So, I was so focused on that.
And when it was my turn to hit the stage, I was just going ape shit.
- You know what I'm saying? - Tim's just saying he was mean, too.
- Yeah, yeah. Well... - [LOULIES AND CATASH LAUGH]
- You're the Big44. - LOULIES: Yeah. Yeah. So, you know...
So, like I said, man, I've got...
I'm glad I had two bottles of water down there with me
because one of them did get destroyed.
Water all over the staircase because I was going absolutely fucking nuts.
I was like, "Get me on that stage." The crowd was hot.
You know what I'm saying? And it just... I was just...
- I didn't know what was going on. - We have the audio.
- Yeah, you had to mic him up. - FOWLER: 'Cause he was wearing a lapel.
- Hold on. - FOWLER: Want to hear it?
- CATASH: Yeah, I want to hear it. - Hang on. Hang on.
- [LOULIES SPEAKING] - [INDISTINCT]
So, this is the time right now, ladies and gentlemen.
- What we've been waiting for. - [CROWD CHEERING]
Are y'all ready?
[CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
Okay, I messed up.
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
- [THUMPING ON DOOR] - [LOULIES SPEAKING]
- Are y'all ready, ladies and gentlemen? - [LOULIES SPEAKING]
- [CROWD CHEERING] - This is what we came here for y'all.
Coming to the stage. He performed at that Apollo and... Dang it.
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
[CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
- And five WWE Hall of Famers. - [CROWD CHEERING]
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
...we've been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen. Y'all ready?
[CROWD CHEERING]
He performed at the Apollo theater in Harlem, ladies and gentlemen.
He performed with four SNL s... Cast members.
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
[CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
[CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
Now, ladies and gentlemen, are y'all ready?
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
- This is what we're waiting for. - [CROWD CHEERING]
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
He performed at the Apollo in Harlem.
He performed with four SNL cast members.
And five WWE Hall of Famers. Did I say that right?
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
[CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
[LOULIES SPEAKING]
[LOULIES BREATHES DEEPLY]
...four SNL cast members.
And five WWE Hall of Famers.
Tim Loulies!
- [CROWD CHEERING] - [RAP MUSIC PLAYS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
CATASH: Kirk Franklin, huh? Really?
You wildin' man. I feel bad for that bottle, man. [LAUGHS]
All right. Well, we got a good story from it.
- And I mean, it ended up being awesome. - CATASH: Yeah.
And crowd was ready, dude. Like you got 'em there. Five tops.
- Exactly. - FOWLER: At least.
Hey, man, all bullshit aside, though, man, I'm gonna tell you regardless of how angry I was...
Regardless of how, uh, I was a little volcano erupting in that staircase, man...
Man, I couldn't have had a better person in that position than Catash,
regardless of the mistakes or whatever, to keep that crowd so nuclear
and to keep them up after that...
Still, by the time I hit that stage, they were still boiling over.
You know what I mean? So, I mean, you know, props to you, man.
I... I didn't know what was going on, man.
- The Kirk Franklin got me. - [BOTH LAUGH]
Like, for those watching, he has...
The reason I put him in this position
is because he has a background in not only comedy, but, um, rapping,
gospel, acting, all that stuff.
So, in that particular situation, where we had those miscues,
uh, you know, to work on the fly and to keep...
The biggest thing, regardless of how many mistakes were made,
- is to keep the audience up. - Yeah.
LOULIES: Nobody could have done it better than Catash.
CATASH: Dude, they was right there.
I wanted to go out after you. You know what I'm saying? [LAUGHS]
I wanted go out and introduce my damn self, man. It was so good, man. [LAUGHS]
- LOULIES: That's why I was like, it's a whole other set. - You killed it.
["2 LEGIT" PLAYING]
♪ When the game on the line ♪
♪ You can't fold and you can't bend ♪
♪ Y'all be playing it safe and I be going for the win ♪
♪ Remember back when they was doubting on the kid ♪
♪ Now they tuned in 'Cause my game too legit ♪
♪ Stayed down remained humble and I made it work ♪
♪ Crazy how I came out so clean from the dirt ♪
♪ We was using candles on the nights the lights ain't work ♪
♪ We aint never going back to that and that I merch ♪
♪ Turn your back on me the worst mistake you'll ever make ♪
♪ Keep my grass cut Gotta watch out for the snakes ♪
♪ If it's on my plate best believe it's getting ate ♪
♪ I'm balling like I'm Kobe 33 before the 8 ♪
♪ I just want the rings and the medals and trophies ♪
♪ I want the Kardashians and Jenners to all know me ♪
♪ I want to take a Uber to the Hills to visit Khloe ♪
♪ I want floor seats 'Cause I'm tired of the nose bleeds ♪
♪ When the game on the line ♪
♪ You can't fold and you can't bend ♪
♪ Y'all be playing it safe and I be going for the win ♪
♪ Remember back when they was doubting on the kid ♪
♪ Now they tuned in 'Cause my game too legit ♪
♪ I feel like I'm Scottie Pippen ♪
♪ Putting in all the work but they don't give me no recognition ♪
♪ Basically the league's MVP But the P is missing ♪
♪ I'm the most valuable but sometimes they tend to forget it ♪
♪ I live my life on the edge ♪
♪ But my back against the wall ♪
♪ I make sure my shoes laced ♪
♪ 'Cause who gon' catch me If I fall... ♪