1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,108 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,276 --> 00:00:11,011 [HUMMING] 5 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,513 ♪ Anything is possible ♪ 6 00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:19,052 - [CROWD CHEERING] - CATASH: This is what we're waiting for. 7 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:23,056 He performed at the Apollo in Harlem. 8 00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:24,725 [CROWD CHEERING] 9 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:28,495 - He performed with four SNL cast members. - [CROWD CHEERING] 10 00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:33,166 And five WWE Hall of Famers. 11 00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:37,738 Put your hands together for my boy Tim Loulies. 12 00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,206 [CROWD CHEERING] 13 00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:43,143 [RAP MUSIC PLAYING] 14 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:57,090 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. 15 00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:59,760 Thank you, thank you, Virginia Beach. Thank you so much. 16 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,261 [CROWD CHEERING] 17 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:05,599 Man, there's such a great mixed crowd in here tonight, 18 00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,501 I'm like, man, we can't call this dude a cracker. 19 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,603 This fat son of a bitch is a stuffed crust. 20 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,405 [CROWD LAUGHING] 21 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:14,441 Ain't nothing thin and crispy about me, damn it. 22 00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:16,910 I'll go ahead and address this right now before one of y'all say something. 23 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,679 I know this shirt is tight as hell. 24 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:21,381 - [CROWD LAUGHING] - When you reach this level obesity, 25 00:01:21,381 --> 00:01:23,951 you can live that wrinkle-free lifestyle. I ain't gotta iron shit. 26 00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:25,085 [CROWD LAUGHING] 27 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:29,690 A lot of y'all ain't never seen me before. 28 00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,059 You're like, "Who the hell is this diabetic-looking Billy Mays?" 29 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,196 But wait, there's more. 30 00:01:36,196 --> 00:01:39,233 Fat jokes, because I'm retiring these sons of bitches soon. 31 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:40,767 [CROWD CHEERING] 32 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,741 I've been going through some things medically lately. 33 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:49,877 My doctor just sent me to go get an MRI knowing damned well 34 00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:51,812 I suffer from extreme claustrophobia. 35 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:54,414 And I was like, "Doc, you know I don't do good in tight spaces, man." 36 00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:56,149 He said, "I'll give you a few Xanax." 37 00:01:56,149 --> 00:01:59,419 - I was like, "All right, I'll give it a shot then." - [CROWD LAUGHS] 38 00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:01,288 If you've ever been in an MRI machine before, 39 00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,925 you know they make a very distinct noise. They do that woop, woop, woop. 40 00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:09,229 I got inside that tube, I started sweating, rocking back and forth. 41 00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:11,765 That machine said "nope, nope, nope." 42 00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:14,968 Shot me out like a cannonball, 43 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,104 said, "Get your fat ass out of this doctor's office." 44 00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:18,505 [CROWD LAUGHS] 45 00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:25,479 In the past 10 months, I've lost 132 pounds. 46 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,947 [CROWD CHEERING] 47 00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:32,586 I mean, I got the surgery. I feel like I kind of cheated a little bit. 48 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,421 You know what I'm saying? 49 00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:38,358 And also because it's turned me into a really pretentious asshole now. 50 00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,994 'Cause I'm criticizing other people about their diet choices. 51 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,796 You know what I'm saying? What they like to eat. 52 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,765 I go over to my little niece's and nephew's house, 53 00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,633 can't let them have a good time at a birthday party. 54 00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:50,871 I'm like, ugh, chocolate cake, vanilla ice cream. 55 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:54,808 Ugh, you're gonna turn into a type two diabetic. Ugh. 56 00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:58,011 They're like, "Don't stand up so fast, Uncle Tim. You're still fat." 57 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,613 [CROWD LAUGHS] 58 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,717 When I work out, I go to gym called Planet Fitness. 59 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:07,020 - I know y'all know about this bullshit. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 60 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,723 At Planet Fitness, they call themselves the Judgment-Free Zone, 61 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:13,193 and they give out Tootsie Rolls at the front counter. 62 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,562 And if there's some members in here tonight to be my witness, 63 00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,865 - on Monday nights, they give their members... - CROWD: Pizza. 64 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,534 Pizza. 65 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,638 It's pizza night at Planet Fitness on Mondays, y'all. 66 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:28,342 You can go into this gym and see people sitting down eating pizza. 67 00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:31,178 I'm, like, I just left my house to get away from this bullshit, man. 68 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:36,884 - What's next? 40-oz Fridays? - [CROWD LAUGHS] 69 00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,320 People getting up on the treadmill gnawing on crust, 70 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,856 spilling ranch dressing on the elliptical machines. 71 00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,059 Dude's bench pressing, breathing all heavy, 72 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:49,329 smelling like Papa John's garlic sauce. 73 00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:53,066 I just never felt more justified to say with all the convictions of the bottom of my heart, 74 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,935 like, ugh, you fat, sloppy bastards. 75 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:59,239 - Get your life together. This is disgusting. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 76 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,742 It's hard for me to get motivated to get out of my house and get to the gym. 77 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,578 But when I'm in that parking lot, I'm trying to psych myself out 78 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:07,114 and do everything I can to not go into this place. 79 00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:11,752 But, you know, like, it's my intention to do 2.5 miles on the treadmill. 80 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,720 But if I don't get that front parking spot... 81 00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:15,956 [CROWD LAUGHS] 82 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,528 Fuck this. This work out can wait till Monday. 83 00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,363 [CROWD LAUGHS] 84 00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:25,032 When I get in the gym, I get stretched out. 85 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:26,934 I get on a machine, I start going hard, 86 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,869 and right in the middle of my set someone's always coming to stop me, like, 87 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,071 "Sir. Sir." 88 00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,440 I take out my earphones. "Yes, ma'am. Can I help you?" 89 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,977 "Look, I just want to tell you. Keep going. Don't ever give up." 90 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,612 [CROWD LAUGHS] 91 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,883 I said, "Bitch..." 92 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:45,819 "Didn't I just see you stuffing a meat lovers down your throat a few minutes ago? 93 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,154 "Quit talking to me." 94 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,290 But it feels great when you lose weight. 95 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,925 when you run into folks you haven't seen in a while, 96 00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,760 and they give you compliments on the way that you look. 97 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,996 Now, I come from a place called Portsmouth, Virginia. 98 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,731 [CROWD CHEERING] 99 00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,499 You all followed me here. 100 00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:04,137 Now, see, Portsmouth, we've been rated our state's 101 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,574 most dangerous city six years in a row. 102 00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:09,676 When I got out of high school, I didn't make a wise career decision. 103 00:05:09,676 --> 00:05:11,612 I didn't go into the military. I didn't go to college. 104 00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:13,180 I hung out with all the thugs and the hoodlums. 105 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,748 You couldn't tell me shit back then. 106 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,316 But you know what's really disheartening, 107 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,485 I see some of my same friends now in our late 30s early 40s 108 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,787 still doing the same stupid shit we used to do when we were 17. 109 00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:22,189 These knuckleheads that don't grow up. 110 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,824 - I know y'all know folks like this. - CROWD: Yup. 111 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,692 And if you ask 'em if they're staying out of trouble, 112 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,294 this is what they tell you nowadays. 113 00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,363 "Oh, I ain't about that life no more." 114 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,198 [CROWD LAUGHS] 115 00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:33,300 I went to a friend's house I ain't seen in, like, 10 or 12 years. 116 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:36,170 He's like, "Damn, Tim, you're looking good." I said, "I appreciate that, man." 117 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:38,505 I was like, "How you been? You been staying out of trouble? 118 00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,474 He's like, "I ain't about that life no more, man. 119 00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,643 "I ain't about that life no more." 120 00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:49,283 The whole time he was smoking a blunt on his front porch, cleaning a stolen pistol, 121 00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:52,719 with imitation tags on his license plate like they're cut out of a box. 122 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,557 I wrote a 24 on that shit. 123 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,825 I said, "What's wrong with you, man? You're asking to get..." 124 00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:01,828 See... See, I don't... I don't give the police a reason to pull me over. 125 00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:04,665 I always make sure my tags and stickers are always legit. 126 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:07,835 Once, you know, I got stopped, ironically, while driving to the gym... 127 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,571 [CROWD LAUGHING] 128 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:13,974 You know, I got a citation for eating while driving. 129 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:17,911 This is a law in 41 states, and it's got to stop, too, because in my case, 130 00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:19,646 that's profiling, damn it. 131 00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,248 [CROWD LAUGHS] 132 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:29,356 This cop walks up to my window and he says, "Young man, do you know what I stopped you for? 133 00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:32,059 "I don't know, Officer, but I know I wasn't speeding." 134 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,394 And he said, "I saw you eating a candy bar." 135 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,096 [CROWD LAUGHS] 136 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,732 I said, " Officer, this is a Muscle Milk protein bar." 137 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,505 I ain't about that life no more, man. 138 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:45,939 [CROWD LAUGHS] 139 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:52,746 I can't be like that anymore. My health really caught up to me. 140 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,515 I'll give you a personal trouble for a second. 141 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:58,252 About six, seven years ago, I got diagnosed with kidney cancer. 142 00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,554 I went under the knife. I had some of the best doctors in Virginia. 143 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,890 They got the entire tumor out. I just went for a checkup. 144 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:04,958 They think it's gonna be a zero chance of recurrence. 145 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,693 [CROWD CHEERING] 146 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,266 I've never had a long-term stay in the hospital before, 147 00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:13,901 and I witnessed quite a few discomforts. 148 00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,936 And one particular discomfort really stood out from the rest. 149 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:19,039 Fellas, if there was ever a time to actually appreciate not being so well-endowed, 150 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:22,376 it's when you have to have three separate catheters inserted over a period of five days. 151 00:07:22,376 --> 00:07:24,244 [CROWD LAUGHS, GROANS] 152 00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:26,380 If you don't know what catheter is, let me explain this to you real quick. 153 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:31,318 This is a tube with the diameter of a number two pencil, 154 00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,453 the only pencil certified for the SATs. 155 00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:43,230 Well, they fully inserted it into my, erm... My love muscle. My... 156 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:46,733 I mean, you know, I'm trying to be artistic. I could have just said my dick. 157 00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:48,735 [CROWD LAUGHS] 158 00:07:48,735 --> 00:07:52,139 Now, I carry an average Snickers bar. 159 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:56,310 It's not the fun size, but I ain't packing a king either. 160 00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:58,579 I just appreciate it was a relatively short trip in, 161 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:01,615 - if you know what I'm talking about. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 162 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:04,151 They had me doped up on this painkiller called Dilaudid. 163 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:07,020 [EXHALES] That shit make morphine feel like a Tylenol. 164 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:10,791 I was hearing crazy shit. I was saying crazy shit. 165 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,492 I had some really cute nurses I was flirting with. 166 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,795 I'm a big movie fan. I like to speak in movie references. 167 00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:17,297 And my favorite movie ever was Coming To America with Eddie Murphy. 168 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,765 [CROWD CHEERING] 169 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,501 Them girls were down there working underneath my gown, 170 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,269 I was hoping one would pop up and be like, 171 00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:24,471 - "Your royal penis is clean, Your Highness." - [CROWD LAUGHS] 172 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,842 I'll give it to you right here in the hospital, girls. Shit. 173 00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:35,449 I was trying to fuck the nurses in the hospital, too. 174 00:08:35,449 --> 00:08:37,985 I couldn't take them home with me. My living situation's little complicated. 175 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:41,021 I hate living with people, but sometimes financial circumstances, 176 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,856 you gotta do what you gotta do. 177 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,725 The problem is nowadays in this era of, like, Facebook and Twitter. 178 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,226 when things go wrong in the household, 179 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,328 they'll shoot these little indirect shots at you online. 180 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,730 They're gonna be talking about you. 181 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:55,736 You think a grown man could take out the garbage at least once a week. 182 00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:59,339 Somebody need to do these damn dishes in this house. 183 00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:02,309 - My parents are savages on their social media, ya'll. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 184 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,681 I've not always used to live in the city. 185 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,583 Actually, when I was a kid, I grew up out in the country. 186 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,685 I grew up out in the country country. 187 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:14,721 You know, you live out in the country when DirectTV won't fuck with your ass. 188 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,492 When I was a kid, I grew up on a Perdue chicken farm, 189 00:09:18,492 --> 00:09:21,395 and every morning I got on that school bus, I smelled like either one of two things, 190 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,730 - fried chicken or chicken shit. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 191 00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:28,035 Now, when my mom left my dad, we moved to the city. 192 00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,903 All my family and friends, they were worried about me. 193 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,605 They were like, "Aw, little Timmy. 194 00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:33,841 "We're so worried about you moving out there to the city. 195 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:37,578 "They have so much crime in the city. They have gangs in the city." 196 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,379 I'm gonna tell you all something right now. 197 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:43,784 They have gangs out in the country. They are called hunt clubs. 198 00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,385 [CROWD LAUGHS] 199 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,893 These sons of bitches shoot at each other. They're fighting for territory. 200 00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:56,096 This is some honky-ass thuggery going on out in the sticks y'all. 201 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,599 [CROWD LAUGHS] 202 00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:01,201 And the men take their sons hunting with them, 203 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,637 so these little assholes emulate this shit at school. 204 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:06,406 My first day in the seventh grade, 205 00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:07,641 these three little boys cornered me, 206 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:09,943 and they said, "Hey, this here middle school, 207 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:13,580 "is in the territory of the Boxelder Hunt Club." 208 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,482 He said, "If you're gonna wear a jacket in this school, 209 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:19,920 it better be either one of two colors, either UPS brown or canary yellow. 210 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,956 [CROWD LAUGHS] 211 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:26,660 "You see what's going on right here with this fancy jacket you got on 212 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,629 "with this royal blue and this blaze orange. 213 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:31,431 "We can't pronounce the name of this hunt club, boy. Who are you with?" 214 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,269 I said, "I'm a New York Knicks fan, you asshole." 215 00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,773 They said, "When you tell the New York Ka-nicks 216 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,575 "to stay off my pawpaw's property." 217 00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:43,243 [CROWD LAUGHS] 218 00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:49,249 But these lights... These lights are hot as shit, man. 219 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,952 About to sweat my next to last chin off of this bitch. 220 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:59,493 Thank God we ain't got to wear them masks no more, man. Fuck them masks. 221 00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:02,863 But if there was a silver lining to wearing those masks, I'll tell you something... 222 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:06,099 There is no man, material or God would be more honest with you about your breath. 223 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,534 [CROWD LAUGHS] 224 00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:12,506 Then what those damned masks were. 225 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:15,375 You ain't gotta worry about Covid no more. The flu is still killing people. 226 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,145 And you'll get sick, man. You get sick easy nowadays, man. 227 00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:21,114 I don't care where you are, I travel all over the country, and I'm telling you, 228 00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:24,117 it could be 80 degrees one day, 30 degrees the next, no matter where you're at. 229 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:27,888 And I used to be a big skeptic of climate change, but something is not right anymore. 230 00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:31,391 Can you explain to me how the hell I caught frostbite on December 6 231 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:34,628 and a mosquito bite on December 9. That shit is what's happening, man. 232 00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:36,230 [CROWD LAUGHS, CLAPPING] 233 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,868 A lot of people, including myself, get this seasonal depression. 234 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:44,571 So, you know, when it starts getting dark early, they feel kind of down. 235 00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,373 Do you guys enjoy that about the summer? 236 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,576 - Do you like the longer days the extended sunlight? - [CROWD CHEERS] 237 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,845 - I don't. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 238 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,848 Because when you're unemployed, it makes you feel like that much more like a piece of shit. 239 00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:57,251 [CROWD LAUGHS] 240 00:11:57,251 --> 00:12:00,087 You look at your watch, like, it's 7:00 and the sun's still out. 241 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:01,922 When is this unproductive day gonna end? 242 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,423 [CROWD LAUGHS] 243 00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,930 I hated my last job. I was a bill collector. 244 00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,932 I was one of those assholes calling you from 8:00 in the morning 245 00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,333 till 9:00 at night. 246 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,669 And I hated that job because I was living a damn lie. 247 00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,406 My weight is literally still higher than my credit score. 248 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,442 How do I tell somebody to pay their Discover card? 249 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,179 I stopped paying Circuit City 11 years ago. They closed down. 250 00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:28,949 - What have you done for me lately? - [CROWD LAUGHS] 251 00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:31,685 The highlight of my day... We call all over the country. The highlight of my day 252 00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:34,054 was when I would get an old southern Baptist black woman on the phone. 253 00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:38,025 They answer the phone like this. "Praise the Lord, now." 254 00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,093 But by the end of that conversation, like, 255 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:43,697 "You ever call this goddamn house again talking bullshit about me paying bills." 256 00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:45,132 [CROWD LAUGHS] 257 00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,268 Yes, ma'am. 258 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:55,442 Now, see, I was one of the best bill collectors because he used me to track folks down 259 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,444 because people don't answer their phones no more. 260 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,980 You got to sneak around. You gotta get creative. You got to go through their... 261 00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,715 Calling through their neighbors, through their families, 262 00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,717 through their jobs. whatever you got to do. 263 00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:07,487 They got me to find Jason Kidd back when he played with the Dallas Mavericks. 264 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:11,758 I caught him on a team bus, got him to pay a $7,000 bill on the spot. 265 00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:13,994 And that's another reason I was the best bill collector because if you owed me money 266 00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:16,830 you're paying it in full today, no payments, no exceptions. 267 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,465 I remember I was blasting this guy on the phone one time. 268 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:24,571 I said, " Sir, you owe this Patient First Clinic $1,230.58. 269 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,241 "Now, what are we going to do about this?" 270 00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,776 [CROWD LAUGHS] 271 00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:31,612 He thinks he's slick like he's gonna give me the run around. 272 00:13:31,612 --> 00:13:35,482 He's like, "Oh, you know, Mr. Loulies, times are really tough right now. 273 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:39,319 "It's the holidays. The family dog passed away on us. 274 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,255 "And they're cutting my hours on the job. 275 00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,690 "Can we work something out? Can I make payments, please?" 276 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:47,594 I said "No. Uh-uh. There'll be no exceptions on this matter." 277 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:50,330 I said, "You've got 30 seconds to go and get your checkbook or a debit card. 278 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:53,300 "You're paying this bill in full right now." 279 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,369 So, I wait for him to come back. I got a call on the line 280 00:13:55,369 --> 00:13:57,104 thinking it's a customer calling in to pay a bill. 281 00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,106 So, I answer with the most authoritative voice. 282 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:02,543 "Transworld Collection Systems. This is Mr. Loulies. How may I help you?" 283 00:14:02,543 --> 00:14:04,211 "Yes. Hi, Mr. Loulies." 284 00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,779 "Yes, this is Mr. Loulies." 285 00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:08,382 "Well, is this Timothy Michael Loulies?" 286 00:14:08,382 --> 00:14:09,950 [CROWD LAUGHS] 287 00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:19,960 So, I ducked down in my cubicle. 288 00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:25,132 "Who? Who is this?" 289 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,970 "Oh, this is Mrs. Adams from Portfolio Recovery Services. 290 00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:34,842 "We're calling to see what you can do about your Circuit City bill, sir." 291 00:14:34,842 --> 00:14:36,343 [CROWD LAUGHS] 292 00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:41,348 I said, "Damn, you found me." 293 00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:43,517 I said, "Check this out, Mrs. Adams, I want you to listen to something. 294 00:14:43,517 --> 00:14:45,986 "I want you to listen really good, okay?" 295 00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:51,225 [SIGHS WEARILY] "Times are kind of tough right now, Mrs. Adams. 296 00:14:51,225 --> 00:14:53,327 [CROWD LAUGHS] 297 00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:54,928 "May I make payments, please?" 298 00:14:59,233 --> 00:15:03,604 All right, you know... I got to... I got to confess. 299 00:15:03,604 --> 00:15:08,041 I wasn't telling the truth, all right, when I first set up that joke. 300 00:15:10,611 --> 00:15:13,447 - I'm actually still a bill collector. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 301 00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:16,617 And I'm glad I got you here tonight 302 00:15:16,617 --> 00:15:18,285 because I couldn't get your ass on the phone. 303 00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,853 [CROWD LAUGHS, CLAPPING] 304 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:28,896 I'm playing, I'm playing. I really did lose my job at the collection agency 305 00:15:28,896 --> 00:15:31,565 because I failed a piss test. 306 00:15:31,565 --> 00:15:34,234 What the hell does smoking weed got to do with how you collect bills? 307 00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:36,403 [CROWD LAUGHS] 308 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,306 I care how you pay your bills. I understand that. 309 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,875 I had to stop smoking weed not just for health purposes, but because 310 00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:45,579 when I used to get high, I used to do some of the most dumb and paranoid shit. 311 00:15:45,579 --> 00:15:47,548 Like, you ever get so high, you're driving down the road 312 00:15:47,548 --> 00:15:50,050 and you light up your best tasting cigarette of your life, 313 00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,786 and you drop your cigarette, you stop your car, you get out, 314 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,889 you look underneath the seat, find the cigarette, stand up, shut the door 315 00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:57,824 - and lock your ass out of your own car? - [CROWD LAUGHS] 316 00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:01,128 At a stoplight. 317 00:16:03,597 --> 00:16:05,766 And when you get high, you don't make good diet choices. 318 00:16:05,766 --> 00:16:08,735 You end up at a place like McDonald's. Ugh. 319 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,470 But you want to hurry up and eat, 320 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,005 so you stand in line and you start bitching and complaining like, 321 00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:14,908 "Hey, man, why ain't this line moving, man? 322 00:16:14,908 --> 00:16:18,512 "What y'all got going on back there, man? Move this damn line." 323 00:16:18,512 --> 00:16:21,815 Till you realize you're standing behind the Ronald McDonald statue looking dumb. 324 00:16:25,786 --> 00:16:28,655 As I said, I'm a real big movie fan. 325 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:31,692 And Star Wars is absolutely killing it right now. 326 00:16:31,692 --> 00:16:34,228 - I'll tell you, man. - [CROWD CHEERING] 327 00:16:34,228 --> 00:16:35,762 Regardless, if you're a Star Wars fan, 328 00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:37,464 you got to give that franchise a lot of credit. 329 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,533 They've made tremendous progress, socially. 330 00:16:39,533 --> 00:16:42,202 Because if you didn't know, three out of the last 331 00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:44,605 four feature films, the lead hero is a female. 332 00:16:44,605 --> 00:16:46,373 Now they got Ahsoka killing it. 333 00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,609 Ladies are representing for the Jedis. I think that's pretty cool. 334 00:16:48,609 --> 00:16:51,144 [CROWD CHEERING] 335 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:54,147 But I still don't thinkStar Wars has gone far enough. 336 00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:58,652 Because we've had a black Jedi. We've had elderly Jedi. We've had a crippled Jedi. 337 00:16:58,652 --> 00:17:02,890 - And I'm ready to see the gay Jedi. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 338 00:17:02,890 --> 00:17:06,026 Yeah, now picture, if you will, the gay Jedi runs up on the scene, 339 00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:08,662 picks up his hot pink lightsaber with a vibrating handle. 340 00:17:08,662 --> 00:17:10,464 - [IMITATING VIBRATING] - [CROWD LAUGHS] 341 00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:18,238 Little light potpourri scent, hair blowing in the wind and shit. 342 00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,908 And when he swings that lightsaber, it's not that traditional sound 343 00:17:20,908 --> 00:17:23,744 we're used to hearing, like... [IMITATING LIGHTSABER SWISHING] 344 00:17:23,744 --> 00:17:28,215 It's more like, [IN EFFEMINATE VOICE] hey, hey. hey. 345 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:34,054 [IN NORMAL VOICE] They might as well. Gay dudes are ambitious nowadays. 346 00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:38,158 They're in the the NBA, they're professional wrestling and getting drafted to the NFL. 347 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,928 You give a gay dude an inch, he just wants to take nine more. 348 00:17:40,928 --> 00:17:42,596 [CROWD LAUGHS] 349 00:17:44,198 --> 00:17:45,899 Hey, if you don't like that joke, 350 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,935 you can suck on Wookiee penis, damn it. 351 00:17:47,935 --> 00:17:49,736 That is well-crafted material right there. 352 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,338 [CROWD LAUGHS] 353 00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:56,376 I recently just saw that movie The Creator 354 00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:59,112 about artificial intelligence. That's some scary shit, man. 355 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,248 If you ain't seen this movie, I ain't gonna spoil it for you, 356 00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,750 but what it's about is artificial intelligence 357 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:07,754 becomes sentient beings, and they start forming relationships with humans. 358 00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:10,057 - Humans start falling in love with them. - WOMAN: No way. 359 00:18:10,057 --> 00:18:11,959 Ladies, let me tell y'all something, 360 00:18:11,959 --> 00:18:15,295 when artificial gets into the dating scene at that level, you're fucked. 361 00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:19,233 Because men, we know what we want. 362 00:18:19,233 --> 00:18:22,302 - Ladies, you don't know what the fuck you want. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 363 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:26,406 You don't want the honest, faithful Frank 9000. 364 00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:29,042 Bitch, C-3PO ain't gonna suck on your toes. 365 00:18:31,245 --> 00:18:33,080 Now, can you imagine the arguments? 366 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,215 Ladies, can you imagine the arguments you would try to have to have 367 00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,919 You would try to have to have with these artificial... Artificial intelligent beings? 368 00:18:38,919 --> 00:18:43,891 Try to pull that "Oh, it's your fault because I match energy" bullshit. 369 00:18:43,891 --> 00:18:45,926 Like, bitch, what with my battery? What the fuck? 370 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,129 You ain't matching no lithium ion. 371 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,733 The fuck is wrong with you? 372 00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:56,336 And you know what's frustrating for me, man? 373 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:59,239 It's like, you know, it's like I got rid of... 374 00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:02,609 I'm getting rid of one insecurity with losing the weight, 375 00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:05,812 and now I gotta deal with another. It's the loose skin, right. 376 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,782 So, now I gotta have a whole new approach with women. 377 00:19:08,782 --> 00:19:12,686 But ladies, it shouldn't be that hard of a sell, right? I mean, you like bean bags? 378 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:14,855 [CROWD LAUGHS] 379 00:19:16,757 --> 00:19:19,526 - Do you like oversized hoodies? - [CROWD CHEERING] 380 00:19:20,794 --> 00:19:22,696 You like cute little furry animals? 381 00:19:24,097 --> 00:19:26,266 Fuck the sugar daddy, get you a sugar glider. 382 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,001 [CROWD LAUGHS] 383 00:19:31,205 --> 00:19:36,643 Sugar glider jump right off the dresser right onto the bed. 384 00:19:39,780 --> 00:19:41,682 Look, ladies, if it grosses you out a little bit... 385 00:19:41,682 --> 00:19:44,818 I had dudes say, "Oh, man. What you gonna do with the ladies, man? 386 00:19:44,818 --> 00:19:47,221 "All that loose skin. What are you gonna wear? Spanx?" 387 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:50,557 I ain't gonna wear no damned Spanx. 388 00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:52,559 I'm gonna wear Under Armour, goddamn it. Shit. 389 00:19:53,994 --> 00:19:56,363 The Rock wears Under Armour. 390 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,032 Elite college athletes wear Under Armour. 391 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,802 And so does the sugar glider, damn it. 392 00:20:01,802 --> 00:20:03,837 I got some of the best Under Armour in the game. 393 00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:09,409 I ain't gonna lie to you, though, where I do have a little bit of challenges 394 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,045 in my dating life sometimes, my choice of footwear, 395 00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:16,383 because I proudly and unapologetically wear Crocs. 396 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:19,319 If you're somebody that shits on people for wearing Crocs, fuck you. 397 00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:25,225 Crocs are some of the most innovative footwear. 398 00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:28,595 I stepped in a puddle of water one time, my feet were soaking wet. 399 00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:31,698 30 seconds later, boom, they were bone dry. 400 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,901 It really does have the same effect on the ladies, fellas. 401 00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:37,204 So, I'm warning you. Those are the consequences. 402 00:20:37,204 --> 00:20:40,073 [CROWD LAUGHS, GROANS] 403 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,609 I had this redneck one time... I had this redneck one time 404 00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:44,545 tried to tell me, he said "Boy, when you gonna learn? 405 00:20:44,545 --> 00:20:46,547 "You ain't gonna get laid wearing no Crocs." 406 00:20:46,547 --> 00:20:49,550 I said, "Sir, you are talking on a flip phone and wearing a fanny pack. 407 00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:50,918 "Don't you lecture me." 408 00:20:54,788 --> 00:20:58,892 Now, I know we got a lot of rednecks in here tonight. 409 00:20:58,892 --> 00:21:00,928 [CROWD CHEERING] 410 00:21:00,928 --> 00:21:02,563 But I'm gonna tell y'all something. 411 00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:08,135 Today's rednecks, you are soft. Soft. 412 00:21:08,135 --> 00:21:11,705 I remember back when rednecks used to drink Budweiser. 413 00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:15,309 Now they're drinking Bud Light Lime. 414 00:21:15,309 --> 00:21:19,379 I remember back when rednecks used to throw cast-iron horseshoes. 415 00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:21,448 - And now you're throwing beanbags. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 416 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,620 And you know what it is? It's the music. 417 00:21:26,620 --> 00:21:30,457 Because country music today sucks dick. 418 00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:32,059 [CROWD CHEERING, CLAPPING] 419 00:21:34,595 --> 00:21:36,630 And it's reflective of the culture. 420 00:21:36,630 --> 00:21:39,666 That's why rednecks are soft, all right? It's reflective. 421 00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:41,935 Because when I grew up, I was listening to people 422 00:21:41,935 --> 00:21:43,504 who were saying something with their soul. 423 00:21:43,504 --> 00:21:48,075 Like Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson, The older shit like Johnny Cash. 424 00:21:48,075 --> 00:21:50,944 Now these dudes are in these arenas with their shirt off 425 00:21:50,944 --> 00:21:53,747 all rubbed up with oil like WWE wrestlers and shit. 426 00:21:55,015 --> 00:21:57,017 You know, I travel a lot throughout the South, 427 00:21:57,017 --> 00:22:01,188 and sometimes I have to have a very uncomfortable conversation with rednecks. 428 00:22:01,188 --> 00:22:04,091 But, um, I have to tell you something. 429 00:22:04,091 --> 00:22:08,095 - Barack Obama did not steal your America. - [CROWD LAUGHING] 430 00:22:08,095 --> 00:22:09,863 Luke Bryan did, damn it. 431 00:22:11,865 --> 00:22:13,033 Soft. 432 00:22:16,203 --> 00:22:18,005 Now, I may... 433 00:22:18,005 --> 00:22:22,176 You may hear me say some curse words and stuff, but a lot of y'all 434 00:22:22,176 --> 00:22:25,812 - know I am not a vulgar comic, right? - WOMAN: No. 435 00:22:25,812 --> 00:22:27,614 But I do got this one new joke. 436 00:22:27,614 --> 00:22:29,116 [CROWD CHUCKLES] 437 00:22:30,117 --> 00:22:32,619 It's pretty dirty, y'all. 438 00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:34,988 - Y'all want to hear it? - CROWD: Yeah! [CHEERING] 439 00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:39,226 - It's a little nasty. You sure? - CROWD: Yeah. 440 00:22:39,226 --> 00:22:40,694 All right. 441 00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:42,796 So, back in high school, when I was eating pussy, right? 442 00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:46,166 [CROWD LAUGHS] 443 00:22:46,166 --> 00:22:49,837 I wasn't doing a very good job because I did not know what a clitoris was. 444 00:22:50,971 --> 00:22:52,706 I didn't know what I was doing. 445 00:22:52,706 --> 00:22:54,208 I was just down there looking like the Chick-fil-A logo going... 446 00:22:57,711 --> 00:23:00,581 You see these young guys... These young boys, they've got no excuse nowadays. 447 00:23:00,581 --> 00:23:03,851 They've got all this information in the palm of their hands. You know what I'm saying? 448 00:23:03,851 --> 00:23:07,654 I mean, I can say that, but when I take some honest reflection, 449 00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:11,692 I don't have an excuse either, because wouldn't you agree 450 00:23:11,692 --> 00:23:14,094 that the '90s was the golden age for hip-hop and R&B? 451 00:23:14,094 --> 00:23:16,597 [CROWD CHEERING] 452 00:23:16,597 --> 00:23:19,333 If I was only hearing what SWV was trying to tell me... 453 00:23:21,068 --> 00:23:22,669 Y'all know this song... 454 00:23:22,669 --> 00:23:26,974 ♪ You gotta go downtown That's the way to my love ♪ 455 00:23:26,974 --> 00:23:29,042 She said,♪ Lick it round and round ♪ 456 00:23:29,042 --> 00:23:32,513 She really did say, "Lick it round and round," on the the unedited version, 457 00:23:32,513 --> 00:23:35,282 not those bullshit CDs we we're buying a Walmart. 458 00:23:35,282 --> 00:23:38,185 [CROWD LAUGHS] 459 00:23:38,185 --> 00:23:40,854 And just like in the movieWhite Man Can't Jump 460 00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:42,923 where Wesley Snipes told Woody Harrelson, 461 00:23:42,923 --> 00:23:48,462 "You might be listening to Jimi Hendrix, but you ain't hearing Jimi Hendrix." 462 00:23:48,462 --> 00:23:52,266 If I was only hearing what Coko, Lelee and Taj was trying to tell me... 463 00:23:52,266 --> 00:23:54,401 [CROWD LAUGHS] 464 00:23:54,401 --> 00:23:56,270 Now that joke ain't got a big finish, 465 00:23:56,270 --> 00:23:58,372 - but those young ladies won't get theirs either, so... - [CROWD LAUGHS] 466 00:24:03,143 --> 00:24:05,579 Brand new joke. I just did it for the special tonight. 467 00:24:05,579 --> 00:24:07,614 [CROWD CHEERING] 468 00:24:07,614 --> 00:24:10,651 I dunno, y'all, uh... 469 00:24:10,651 --> 00:24:13,487 - Y'all think that joke has some potential? - CROWD: Yeah! [CHEERING] 470 00:24:13,487 --> 00:24:16,390 - So, I can tell it again sometime? - CROWD: Yeah! 471 00:24:16,390 --> 00:24:18,559 - So, back in high school, when I was eating pussy... - [CROWD LAUGHS] 472 00:24:25,332 --> 00:24:27,000 Now I gotta put this declaimer out there 473 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,269 just in case things get too fresh after the show. 474 00:24:29,269 --> 00:24:32,072 But, um, I don't get with the big girls, man. 475 00:24:32,072 --> 00:24:33,974 [CROWD LAUGHS] 476 00:24:33,974 --> 00:24:36,910 It's not that I'm too picky. It's just that shit don't work out. 477 00:24:36,910 --> 00:24:40,981 The last time me and a big girl got on one of them iron frame beds, 478 00:24:40,981 --> 00:24:43,350 it was like two manatees in a cage match. 479 00:24:43,350 --> 00:24:44,918 [CROWD LAUGHING] 480 00:24:47,020 --> 00:24:49,089 And we did damage to the environment, damn it. 481 00:24:52,626 --> 00:24:55,996 We put holes in the floor, knocked the asbestos out of the wall, 482 00:24:56,997 --> 00:24:58,532 starting a fire. 483 00:25:01,201 --> 00:25:03,370 Like I said, ladies, you don't know what you want, man. 484 00:25:03,370 --> 00:25:04,938 You don't know what you want, because even now, 485 00:25:04,938 --> 00:25:07,608 these women in their late 30's and their 40's 486 00:25:07,608 --> 00:25:11,178 are still going for these toxic ass relationships, right? 487 00:25:11,178 --> 00:25:13,947 You love a toxic-ass man. 488 00:25:13,947 --> 00:25:17,050 And you still like to say, "Oh, I like the bad boy type." 489 00:25:17,050 --> 00:25:21,154 But no, you should've got that bullshit out of your system back in your 20's. 490 00:25:21,154 --> 00:25:24,358 You still like these lame-ass motherfuckers. 491 00:25:24,358 --> 00:25:26,860 And I tried to understand the psychology, so I asked a woman. I was like... 492 00:25:26,860 --> 00:25:31,331 I was like, "What is it you like about this bad boy type?" They always say the same thing. 493 00:25:31,331 --> 00:25:34,535 "Oh, they're so exciting. They're so unpredictable." 494 00:25:34,535 --> 00:25:36,403 Ladies, I'm gonna tell you all something right now. 495 00:25:36,403 --> 00:25:38,739 There ain't nothing more exciting to be with a man who lives his life 496 00:25:38,739 --> 00:25:40,641 on the edge of cardiac arrest. 497 00:25:40,641 --> 00:25:42,242 [CROWD LAUGHING] 498 00:25:44,144 --> 00:25:46,313 Shit, I can't even feel my left arm right now. 499 00:25:51,185 --> 00:25:52,886 But I love all the ladies. I love all the ladies. 500 00:25:52,886 --> 00:25:54,721 I love them white. I love them Latina. 501 00:25:54,721 --> 00:25:56,523 But I got a thing for the sisters. 502 00:25:56,523 --> 00:25:58,559 Man, there's some of y'all here tonight making my blood sugar drop. 503 00:25:58,559 --> 00:26:00,060 [CROWD LAUGHS] 504 00:26:02,196 --> 00:26:04,031 You know, in Virginia, we're pretty diverse, 505 00:26:04,031 --> 00:26:05,599 but this is still considered the South, you know. 506 00:26:05,599 --> 00:26:07,601 Growing up, the rest of my family wasn't quite like me. 507 00:26:07,601 --> 00:26:09,369 My parents, they come from the old school, you know. 508 00:26:09,369 --> 00:26:12,105 So, I had to, you know... They weren't quite like me. 509 00:26:12,105 --> 00:26:14,474 I had to sneak around and listen to rap music. 510 00:26:14,474 --> 00:26:16,677 - Had to go behind my parents' back to watch Soul Train. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 511 00:26:18,378 --> 00:26:20,781 One day, my mom, she caught me watchingShowtime at the Apollo, 512 00:26:20,781 --> 00:26:23,183 and she whooped my ass. 513 00:26:23,183 --> 00:26:25,018 But I don't wanna mislead y'all. I ain't got nothing to do with race. 514 00:26:25,018 --> 00:26:27,087 My whole family, we love black folks. 515 00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:29,923 My mom used to whoop my ass because she caught me jerking off to Kiki Shepherd. 516 00:26:29,923 --> 00:26:31,391 [CROWD LAUGHS] 517 00:26:34,027 --> 00:26:37,598 Hey, hey, I want to fuck that Popeyes chicken lady. 518 00:26:37,598 --> 00:26:39,967 You seen her? With the short hair. Oh, my God. 519 00:26:39,967 --> 00:26:41,535 [CROWD LAUGHS] 520 00:26:44,771 --> 00:26:47,107 That's my sugar cane sweet tea right there, baby. 521 00:26:48,909 --> 00:26:50,577 Louisiana fast. 522 00:26:52,279 --> 00:26:55,382 - It's making my biscuits hard a little bit. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 523 00:26:58,252 --> 00:27:01,255 Which brings me to what I really wanted to talk to all y'all about tonight. 524 00:27:03,156 --> 00:27:07,661 - Interracial babies. They're beautiful, right? - CROWD: Yeah! 525 00:27:07,661 --> 00:27:09,897 Listen, it's the year 2023 of Our Lord. 526 00:27:09,897 --> 00:27:13,333 if you still got that prejudice in your heart, you need to let that bullshit go. 527 00:27:13,333 --> 00:27:15,969 Humans are gonna mix with other races of humans. 528 00:27:15,969 --> 00:27:18,939 In fact, dogs with types of dogs, cats and with types of cats. 529 00:27:18,939 --> 00:27:21,275 But you know something? You don't ever see this with birds. 530 00:27:21,275 --> 00:27:23,677 [CROWD CHUCKLES] 531 00:27:23,677 --> 00:27:26,180 I'm about to lay some deep Animal Planet on your shit. 532 00:27:29,183 --> 00:27:31,785 When's the last time you've seen an interracial bird? 533 00:27:31,785 --> 00:27:33,487 [CROWD LAUGHS] 534 00:27:33,487 --> 00:27:36,823 They must have some bigoted damn parents. 535 00:27:36,823 --> 00:27:40,594 Because you never see a crow mixed with a blue jay to make a navy blue bird. 536 00:27:40,594 --> 00:27:45,098 Or a seagull mixed with a starling to make a seastar. 537 00:27:45,098 --> 00:27:47,334 Bat and a robin mixed to make an actual crime fighting duo. 538 00:27:47,334 --> 00:27:50,804 - You don't see that shit. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 539 00:27:50,804 --> 00:27:53,507 Fellas, man... Fellas, if you're out there getting promiscuous, 540 00:27:53,507 --> 00:27:55,175 you better protect yourself. 541 00:27:55,175 --> 00:27:57,811 They got shit that'll kill you a lot quicker than HIV. 542 00:27:57,811 --> 00:28:00,280 I know they're always trying to scare people with all these different viruses, 543 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,217 but what was that thing before Covid? It was called the, um... 544 00:28:03,217 --> 00:28:06,053 - Uh, the Zede... The Z... - WOMAN: Zika. 545 00:28:06,053 --> 00:28:08,488 Zika. The Zika virus. Remember that? 546 00:28:08,488 --> 00:28:12,159 That was the one with the babies coming out with the little heads and shit. 547 00:28:12,159 --> 00:28:14,995 Oh, my God, that's the last thing I need is a fat little bastard 548 00:28:14,995 --> 00:28:16,730 rolling around looking like BB-8. 549 00:28:16,730 --> 00:28:18,365 [CROWD LAUGHS] 550 00:28:20,067 --> 00:28:23,570 So, fellas, we gotta protect ourselves. 551 00:28:23,570 --> 00:28:26,974 Y'all out there getting nasty, getting freaky with it, just remember... 552 00:28:26,974 --> 00:28:29,009 Just remember Geico. 553 00:28:29,009 --> 00:28:31,512 30 seconds or less will save you hundreds on your health insurance. 554 00:28:31,512 --> 00:28:33,547 [CROWD LAUGHS] 555 00:28:33,547 --> 00:28:36,016 Possibly thousands in child support, so you better wrap that shit up, damn it. 556 00:28:38,886 --> 00:28:41,088 I tell you what, man, I love this comedy game, man, 557 00:28:41,088 --> 00:28:42,556 because since I've been on this whole comedy thing, 558 00:28:42,556 --> 00:28:44,691 I've been getting a lot more attention from the ladies. 559 00:28:44,691 --> 00:28:47,027 And the attention, that's just half the battle. 560 00:28:47,027 --> 00:28:49,763 Now all I got to do is convince the girl to share a bed with me and my sleep apnea machine. 561 00:28:49,763 --> 00:28:51,398 [CROWD LAUGHS] 562 00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:56,403 I don't know if you've ever seen these sleep apnea masks before, 563 00:28:56,403 --> 00:28:58,372 but they make you look like Hannibal Lecter 564 00:29:00,073 --> 00:29:02,576 in the cockpit of an F-18 Super Hornet or some shit. 565 00:29:05,179 --> 00:29:07,014 Not too long ago, one night when I got off the stage, 566 00:29:07,014 --> 00:29:09,716 I went to the bar to find myself a little wounded gazelle. 567 00:29:09,716 --> 00:29:11,084 [CROWD CHUCKLES] 568 00:29:13,787 --> 00:29:16,623 I took her home, did my thing, knocked it out. 569 00:29:16,623 --> 00:29:20,060 I rolled over, put my mask on, went to sleep. 570 00:29:20,060 --> 00:29:22,529 She wanted to start playing around the middle of the night, rubbing on my back, 571 00:29:22,529 --> 00:29:24,731 like, "Wake up, baby, wake up." 572 00:29:24,731 --> 00:29:26,934 She got me on the back of my neck where I'm ticklish at. 573 00:29:27,634 --> 00:29:29,036 So, I turned over... 574 00:29:29,036 --> 00:29:30,604 [WHEEZING] 575 00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:34,541 What's up, baby? 576 00:29:36,276 --> 00:29:37,811 Are you ready for that round two? 577 00:29:40,881 --> 00:29:44,952 I ain't lying. I ain't never seen a Puerto Rican chick turn so white before. 578 00:29:44,952 --> 00:29:48,989 The bitch went from Jennifer Lopez to Jennifer Love Hewitt. 579 00:29:48,989 --> 00:29:51,992 She probably thought I was Darth Vader with a thyroid problem or some shit. 580 00:29:51,992 --> 00:29:53,727 [CROWD LAUGHS] 581 00:29:53,727 --> 00:29:55,596 But if your doctor thinks you have sleep apnea, 582 00:29:55,596 --> 00:29:58,332 what they usually do is send you to a place called a sleep study, right? 583 00:29:58,332 --> 00:30:01,001 You show up in his doctor's office, and it's got, like, 30 bedrooms, 584 00:30:01,001 --> 00:30:03,637 and immediately you're thinking, like, "Man, this ain't no normal doctor's office. 585 00:30:03,637 --> 00:30:07,241 - "Somebody's fucking in here, man." - [CROWD LAUGHS] 586 00:30:07,241 --> 00:30:11,111 So, they put me in this bedroom, They hook up, like, 200 wires and sensors all over my head. 587 00:30:11,111 --> 00:30:12,946 But they were very accommodating, like, 588 00:30:12,946 --> 00:30:15,682 "Mr. Loulies, is there anything we can do to help you get to sleep?" 589 00:30:15,682 --> 00:30:17,618 I was like, "You know, I do like to sleep with a fan." 590 00:30:17,618 --> 00:30:19,520 Boom, they got you a fan. 591 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:22,456 I said, "May I have a few extra pillows?" They gave me some extra pillows. 592 00:30:22,456 --> 00:30:26,693 I was gonna ask for milk and cookies, but I thought I'd leave it right there, right? 593 00:30:26,693 --> 00:30:29,963 So, the lights go out. I started breathing this cool oxygen, 594 00:30:29,963 --> 00:30:31,865 and I felt something rub up my leg. 595 00:30:32,799 --> 00:30:35,035 I look up, it's the nurse. 596 00:30:35,035 --> 00:30:39,840 She's a sexy little thing. She jumps up on the bed and she straddles me. 597 00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:42,543 And she starts grinding her hips. 598 00:30:42,543 --> 00:30:44,878 Like, hey, man, what kind of sleep study is this? 599 00:30:46,213 --> 00:30:48,215 She said, "Mr. Loulies?" I said, "Yes?" 600 00:30:49,149 --> 00:30:51,051 She said, "Mr. Loulies?" 601 00:30:51,051 --> 00:30:54,788 - I said, "Hell, just call me Tim, baby. What's going on? - [CROWD LAUGHS] 602 00:30:54,788 --> 00:30:57,658 She said, "No, Mr. Loulies?" 603 00:30:57,658 --> 00:30:59,726 And then I woke up and realized there was nobody there. 604 00:30:59,726 --> 00:31:01,228 [CROWD LAUGHS] 605 00:31:05,666 --> 00:31:09,736 - I was actually pleasuring myself. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 606 00:31:09,736 --> 00:31:13,874 And it was a nurse over the loudspeaker, "Mr. Loulies!" 607 00:31:13,874 --> 00:31:15,542 [CROWD LAUGHS] 608 00:31:24,985 --> 00:31:28,856 Now, it's every man's worst nightmare to get caught "whacking it", right? 609 00:31:28,856 --> 00:31:30,724 Well, just imagine being mic-ed up... 610 00:31:30,724 --> 00:31:32,693 [CROWD LAUGHS] 611 00:31:32,693 --> 00:31:34,494 ...underneath of an infrared camera 612 00:31:36,096 --> 00:31:37,865 with a room of about six or seven nurses 613 00:31:37,865 --> 00:31:40,534 who have been minding your vitals all night. 614 00:31:40,534 --> 00:31:42,769 She's like, "Mr. Loulies, are you sure there's nothing else 615 00:31:42,769 --> 00:31:44,938 "we can do to help you get to sleep?" 616 00:31:46,373 --> 00:31:47,908 [CROWD LAUGHS] 617 00:31:53,714 --> 00:31:55,582 I started to rub my nipples a little bit. 618 00:31:57,518 --> 00:32:00,087 Yeah, baby. Get your ass in here and put me to sleep 619 00:32:00,087 --> 00:32:02,856 [CROWD LAUGHS] 620 00:32:02,856 --> 00:32:05,726 I recently reached out to my half brother and sister, 621 00:32:05,726 --> 00:32:08,428 which I have known about for 16 years, but they weren't aware of this. 622 00:32:08,428 --> 00:32:11,398 My sister lives in Colorado, and my brother lives in Arizona. 623 00:32:11,398 --> 00:32:15,302 When I called my sister I didn't really warm it up or anything. 624 00:32:15,302 --> 00:32:18,805 I just got right to the point. I wasn't like, "Hey, what do you think about 625 00:32:18,805 --> 00:32:22,042 "the Denver Broncos this year?" Or something. 626 00:32:22,042 --> 00:32:25,412 I just said, "Hey, I'm your brother." And it kind of shocked her. 627 00:32:25,412 --> 00:32:27,981 And my dumb ass brother in Arizona, I called him, I dropped this news like, 628 00:32:27,981 --> 00:32:30,284 "Hey, man, I'm actually your brother, and he was like, 629 00:32:30,284 --> 00:32:31,818 "Oh, sounds like my dad." 630 00:32:31,818 --> 00:32:35,055 [CROWD LAUGHS] 631 00:32:35,055 --> 00:32:39,259 "Are you a gamer, man? You console, PC?" I was like, "All right, cool." 632 00:32:39,259 --> 00:32:41,328 You know what I'm saying? It's fucked up, too, man. 633 00:32:41,328 --> 00:32:45,098 And my real dad is... Because the narcissistic piece of shit that I grew up with, 634 00:32:45,098 --> 00:32:47,334 this son of a bitch was like 500, 600 pounds. 635 00:32:47,334 --> 00:32:48,902 He used to bully me for being fat. 636 00:32:48,902 --> 00:32:51,104 I'm like, "Man, you're like one of the Dallas Cowboy fans 637 00:32:51,104 --> 00:32:55,442 defecting to a Washington fan every time you get your ass kicked by the other team. 638 00:32:55,442 --> 00:32:57,144 - [CROWD LAUGHS, GROANS] - MAN: Oh, come on! 639 00:33:00,113 --> 00:33:02,282 Fuck all you Dallas Cowboy fans. 640 00:33:02,282 --> 00:33:04,017 [CROWD BOOING, CHEERING] 641 00:33:06,620 --> 00:33:09,156 And I don't need to hear... I don't need to hear... 642 00:33:09,156 --> 00:33:10,757 I don't need to hear about your five Super Bowl's 643 00:33:10,757 --> 00:33:13,427 back when SWV was teaching me how to eat pussy. 644 00:33:13,427 --> 00:33:14,995 [CROWD LAUGHS] 645 00:33:18,165 --> 00:33:19,299 And you want to know something, too? 646 00:33:19,299 --> 00:33:21,702 There's black. There's... There's white. 647 00:33:21,702 --> 00:33:24,137 Black and gold ain't for the Pittsburgh Steelers. 648 00:33:24,137 --> 00:33:25,973 I fucking hate Pittsburgh. My biological... 649 00:33:25,973 --> 00:33:29,142 My biological father likes the Pittsburgh Steelers. Fuck him, too. 650 00:33:29,142 --> 00:33:32,946 Fuck... Fuck Picken... Fuck Pickens. Fuck you, Dad. 651 00:33:32,946 --> 00:33:35,549 [CROWD LAUGHS] 652 00:33:35,549 --> 00:33:37,885 And see, what it is is like... At the end of day, 653 00:33:37,885 --> 00:33:40,320 like, my father... My real father was a womanizer, right? 654 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:42,155 And the son of a bitch is a millionaire. 655 00:33:42,155 --> 00:33:44,558 He's a millionaire. You can afford a child... 656 00:33:44,558 --> 00:33:47,694 You can afford a child, and you never wanted to claim me? 657 00:33:47,694 --> 00:33:49,630 That's a whole another level of rejection. 658 00:33:49,630 --> 00:33:52,799 Now, I probably know how it feels to be a child of a professional athlete. 659 00:33:52,799 --> 00:33:54,835 - You know what I'm saying? It's like... - [CROWD LAUGHS] 660 00:33:58,472 --> 00:34:01,542 Except all this son of a bitch did was have some political influence 661 00:34:01,542 --> 00:34:03,177 in the Norfolk Naval Shipyard. 662 00:34:04,711 --> 00:34:06,547 Like, what the fuck? 663 00:34:06,547 --> 00:34:08,081 Pasty white, old bastard man. 664 00:34:08,081 --> 00:34:11,218 At least, man, if I was a child of a professional athlete, 665 00:34:11,218 --> 00:34:13,253 I would have gotten a better metabolism or some shit. 666 00:34:13,253 --> 00:34:14,821 [CROWD LAUGHS] 667 00:34:16,823 --> 00:34:20,861 So, I know you guys have heard about me talk about my weight tonight. Okay? 668 00:34:20,861 --> 00:34:24,198 I talk about it a lot because it's my life. I gotta discuss it. 669 00:34:24,198 --> 00:34:26,733 But believe it or not, I didn't always used to be this way. 670 00:34:26,733 --> 00:34:30,370 See, from eighth grade to my senior year, I played sports year-round. 671 00:34:30,370 --> 00:34:34,074 I was in fantastic shape. But after high school, what had happened was... 672 00:34:34,074 --> 00:34:35,776 [CROWD LAUGHS] 673 00:34:38,245 --> 00:34:40,247 I'm gonna get vulnerable with y'all for a second, um... 674 00:34:40,247 --> 00:34:43,016 I met a young lady, and I fell in love, 675 00:34:43,016 --> 00:34:46,954 and she broke my heart so bad, I just let myself go. 676 00:34:46,954 --> 00:34:49,056 And you know, it's been my biggest fear in my adult life 677 00:34:49,056 --> 00:34:52,092 to one day run into her out in public when she sees what I have become. 678 00:34:52,092 --> 00:34:54,761 No lie. After all these years, I'm in line at the grocery store, 679 00:34:54,761 --> 00:34:57,798 and there she is right in front on me. She's looking good, too, y'all. 680 00:34:57,798 --> 00:35:02,603 Long jet black hair, thick thighs, a fat ass like she's been working out 681 00:35:02,603 --> 00:35:07,074 at Gold's Gym and not that Planet Fitness bullshit I was talking about earlier. 682 00:35:09,076 --> 00:35:11,745 And she recognized me, but she wasn't like, "Hey, how have you been?" 683 00:35:11,745 --> 00:35:14,915 She was like, "Ew, hi." 684 00:35:14,915 --> 00:35:18,619 But I took the high road and said, "Hey, it was good seeing you." 685 00:35:18,619 --> 00:35:20,821 I looked her up and down again and saw how fantastic she looked. 686 00:35:21,889 --> 00:35:23,957 And then I looked at myself. 687 00:35:23,957 --> 00:35:26,493 All that heartbreak and shame hit me right here in the chest 688 00:35:26,493 --> 00:35:28,662 like it all just happened yesterday. 689 00:35:28,662 --> 00:35:32,432 And right as a tear was about to roll down my face. 690 00:35:32,432 --> 00:35:34,902 - Her debit card declines. [LAUGHS] - [CROWD LAUGHS] 691 00:35:39,907 --> 00:35:43,744 I said, "Thank you, Jesus. You just turned my worst nightmare into a dream." 692 00:35:45,946 --> 00:35:48,682 I said, "Your abs are tight, but so is your finances, bitch." 693 00:35:51,318 --> 00:35:53,353 I said, "Here's my credit card. I'll take them fuel points. 694 00:35:53,353 --> 00:35:56,089 "You can't fuck with the sugar glider, baby." I'm out. 695 00:35:56,089 --> 00:35:57,691 [CROWD CHEERING] 696 00:36:00,494 --> 00:36:02,196 [RAP MUSIC PLAYING] 697 00:36:08,802 --> 00:36:10,804 All right, here we go. 698 00:36:10,804 --> 00:36:14,374 All right. So this is the time right now, ladies and gentlemen, 699 00:36:14,374 --> 00:36:17,845 - what we've been waiting for. Are y'all ready? - [CROWD CHEERING] 700 00:36:20,981 --> 00:36:23,016 Hey, man. Ladies and gentlemen, 701 00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:26,687 I want you to put your hands together before he performed at... 702 00:36:26,687 --> 00:36:28,689 - Okay, I messed up. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 703 00:36:32,626 --> 00:36:35,362 Lord, have mercy. Let me tighten this mike. 704 00:36:39,233 --> 00:36:40,734 See, I didn't get it the first time. 705 00:36:42,970 --> 00:36:46,340 My wife know... Slow down? Take a second? 706 00:36:46,340 --> 00:36:49,409 Okay. Okay. I'll take a second. I'll take a second. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 707 00:36:49,409 --> 00:36:51,912 My wife know at home, if you stopped me in the middle of telling a joke, 708 00:36:51,912 --> 00:36:54,815 - I would never tell the joke right ever again. - [CROWD LAUGHS] 709 00:36:54,815 --> 00:36:57,918 All right. I'm trying to do this. Okay. [MUMBLES] 710 00:36:57,918 --> 00:37:01,555 Memory, memory, memory. Jesus is good, right? Amen. 711 00:37:01,555 --> 00:37:04,191 - Amen, God is good. Halleluiah. - [CROWD CLAPPING] 712 00:37:04,191 --> 00:37:07,060 - All right, let's do this. Are you ready? - [CROWD MURMURS] 713 00:37:07,060 --> 00:37:10,230 - Is he ready? All right. - WOMEN: Ready! 714 00:37:10,230 --> 00:37:13,767 - Are y'all ready, ladies and gentlemen? - [CROWD CHEERING] 715 00:37:13,767 --> 00:37:16,537 This is what we came here for y'all. 716 00:37:16,537 --> 00:37:18,272 Coming to the stage. 717 00:37:18,272 --> 00:37:21,842 He performed at the Apollo and... Dang it. 718 00:37:21,842 --> 00:37:23,010 [CROWD LAUGHS] 719 00:37:26,213 --> 00:37:28,749 Dude, I did not mean to jack you up like that, man. 720 00:37:28,749 --> 00:37:31,752 Uh, okay? I mean, what happened, man? 721 00:37:31,752 --> 00:37:35,889 'Cause, you know, I went and I did it straight through, then, you know... 722 00:37:35,889 --> 00:37:42,596 All right, so we had basically two side cams and two center cams, uh... 723 00:37:42,596 --> 00:37:46,967 And before Tim got up, I was concerned about card space. 724 00:37:46,967 --> 00:37:48,569 We were recording 4K, and I was like, 725 00:37:48,569 --> 00:37:51,605 all right, let's just... Let's all, like, load in new cards. 726 00:37:51,605 --> 00:37:53,140 So, we were doing that. 727 00:37:53,140 --> 00:37:54,942 - And so when we do that, we always format. - CATASH: Mmm-hmm. 728 00:37:54,942 --> 00:37:57,878 And you're in... In between spots, so it felt like a good time. 729 00:37:57,878 --> 00:38:00,781 And so we formatted the card, and it said, like, 730 00:38:00,781 --> 00:38:04,117 - 60 megabytes available or something like that. - Right. 731 00:38:04,117 --> 00:38:07,254 And I'm like, well, that's not... That's, like, 2 seconds of footage. Not even. 732 00:38:07,254 --> 00:38:10,591 - Oh, dang. - So, I was like, okay, something's wrong with the card. 733 00:38:10,591 --> 00:38:12,960 Let's just, like, reformat it. So, I reformat it again. 734 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:16,797 60 megabytes. And I'm like, what the hell is going on? 735 00:38:16,797 --> 00:38:18,932 I mean, it's just getting worse and worse. 736 00:38:18,932 --> 00:38:22,102 And so, uh, I was like, let's put a different card in, so we got a different card. 737 00:38:22,102 --> 00:38:25,939 Put a different card in. And during all this, like, you're coming up on your time, 738 00:38:25,939 --> 00:38:28,275 so I was like, "Tell him to stop. Tell him to stop." 739 00:38:28,275 --> 00:38:30,677 And so, that's when you... 740 00:38:30,677 --> 00:38:33,080 You got the intro right the first time, right? 741 00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:35,782 - The first time I got it right. - FOWLER: Yeah. 742 00:38:35,782 --> 00:38:37,684 CATASH: I got it right the first time, 743 00:38:37,684 --> 00:38:40,320 and then when they were like, "Hold up." Oi. 744 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:42,823 - FOWLER: Yeah. - So, I'm gonna tell you what happened with me. 745 00:38:42,823 --> 00:38:45,626 - FOWLER: Well... - I... I thought... Oh, you finish what you were saying. 746 00:38:45,626 --> 00:38:48,829 I'll be real. So, we put the card in. We were on our fourth card... 747 00:38:48,829 --> 00:38:52,499 - Uh-huh. - And I realized it was saying 60 gigs available. 748 00:38:52,499 --> 00:38:56,770 - Oh, my God - So, this whole time, I just was reading it wrong. 749 00:38:56,770 --> 00:38:58,438 And I'm like, "Oh, it's fine. It's fine. 750 00:38:58,438 --> 00:38:59,840 "Guys, tell them to go. We're good. We're good. We're good." 751 00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:03,944 And see, me, me, me 752 00:39:03,944 --> 00:39:06,680 knowing this motherfucker as long as I have. 753 00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:08,949 - [LAUGHS] Oh, my God, man. - LOULIES: You know what I'm saying? 754 00:39:08,949 --> 00:39:11,118 Mister... Mister Steal-the-show. 755 00:39:11,118 --> 00:39:13,787 CATASH: Oh. [EXCLAIMS GRACIOUSLY] 756 00:39:13,787 --> 00:39:16,557 Look, he wasn't dressed like Prince that night 757 00:39:16,557 --> 00:39:20,360 because he could have done a whole... He would have done a concert. 758 00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:23,330 I'm sitting here thinking he's just trying to, like, 759 00:39:23,330 --> 00:39:26,700 - add in extra shit, do extra time. - [CATASH LAUGHS] 760 00:39:26,700 --> 00:39:29,736 You know what I'm saying? Just, like, 'cause the crowd was so red hot. 761 00:39:29,736 --> 00:39:31,205 - Oh, they were hot. - LOULIES: Red hot. 762 00:39:31,205 --> 00:39:33,540 So, I thought... I was like... You know, I was like, 763 00:39:33,540 --> 00:39:35,409 "Don't tell me you're doing this now, Catash. 764 00:39:35,409 --> 00:39:37,144 "Don't tell me you're doing this now." 765 00:39:37,144 --> 00:39:40,347 What happened was, after that happened, you know, 766 00:39:40,347 --> 00:39:44,718 like once you go through something, then the energy, you know, 767 00:39:44,718 --> 00:39:46,653 dissipates from my body. 768 00:39:46,653 --> 00:39:49,389 And then all of a sudden, you were like, you know... You know, do it again. 769 00:39:49,389 --> 00:39:53,193 I thought I did some shit wrong, so I was, "Oh, Tim's gonna be mad as hell." 770 00:39:53,193 --> 00:39:55,896 So, I got nervous. Like... Like don't tell me, man. 771 00:39:55,896 --> 00:40:00,701 I tried again... I... I know what I did wrong, so I did it again, 772 00:40:00,701 --> 00:40:04,605 and then that's when I start having brain farts. So, you know what I'm saying? 773 00:40:04,605 --> 00:40:09,776 And in full transparency, from what you saw on the video, 774 00:40:09,776 --> 00:40:12,112 I totally understand. I'm very reactionary. 775 00:40:12,112 --> 00:40:14,047 There was a lot of pressure on me that night. 776 00:40:14,047 --> 00:40:18,051 I not only was thinking about... You know, but before I even got on stage... 777 00:40:18,051 --> 00:40:20,087 I don't even know... I wasn't even really... 778 00:40:20,087 --> 00:40:22,956 I was so focused on the entire night going good 779 00:40:22,956 --> 00:40:25,292 for all the openers, for all the other stuff, 780 00:40:25,292 --> 00:40:28,795 for the people getting in there, for all the set and everything. So, I was so focused on that. 781 00:40:28,795 --> 00:40:32,099 And when it was my turn to hit the stage, I was just going ape shit. 782 00:40:32,099 --> 00:40:34,735 - You know what I'm saying? - Tim's just saying he was mean, too. 783 00:40:34,735 --> 00:40:36,870 - Yeah, yeah. Well... - [LOULIES AND CATASH LAUGH] 784 00:40:36,870 --> 00:40:39,206 - You're the Big44. - LOULIES: Yeah. Yeah. So, you know... 785 00:40:39,206 --> 00:40:41,975 So, like I said, man, I've got... 786 00:40:41,975 --> 00:40:44,978 I'm glad I had two bottles of water down there with me 787 00:40:44,978 --> 00:40:46,880 because one of them did get destroyed. 788 00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:52,386 Water all over the staircase because I was going absolutely fucking nuts. 789 00:40:52,386 --> 00:40:54,988 I was like, "Get me on that stage." The crowd was hot. 790 00:40:54,988 --> 00:40:57,658 You know what I'm saying? And it just... I was just... 791 00:40:57,658 --> 00:40:59,793 - I didn't know what was going on. - We have the audio. 792 00:40:59,793 --> 00:41:02,763 - Yeah, you had to mic him up. - FOWLER: 'Cause he was wearing a lapel. 793 00:41:02,763 --> 00:41:04,231 - Hold on. - FOWLER: Want to hear it? 794 00:41:04,231 --> 00:41:06,466 - CATASH: Yeah, I want to hear it. - Hang on. Hang on. 795 00:41:08,335 --> 00:41:10,237 - [LOULIES SPEAKING] - [INDISTINCT] 796 00:41:10,237 --> 00:41:13,240 So, this is the time right now, ladies and gentlemen. 797 00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:15,275 - What we've been waiting for. - [CROWD CHEERING] 798 00:41:15,275 --> 00:41:16,910 Are y'all ready? 799 00:41:19,746 --> 00:41:21,415 [CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] 800 00:41:25,752 --> 00:41:27,087 Okay, I messed up. 801 00:41:27,087 --> 00:41:28,755 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 802 00:41:57,684 --> 00:41:59,820 - [THUMPING ON DOOR] - [LOULIES SPEAKING] 803 00:42:14,134 --> 00:42:17,404 - Are y'all ready, ladies and gentlemen? - [LOULIES SPEAKING] 804 00:42:17,404 --> 00:42:20,874 - [CROWD CHEERING] - This is what we came here for y'all. 805 00:42:20,874 --> 00:42:26,013 Coming to the stage. He performed at that Apollo and... Dang it. 806 00:42:26,713 --> 00:42:28,649 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 807 00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:34,488 [CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] 808 00:42:37,257 --> 00:42:38,825 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 809 00:42:42,596 --> 00:42:46,600 - And five WWE Hall of Famers. - [CROWD CHEERING] 810 00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:48,268 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 811 00:42:52,439 --> 00:42:54,775 ...we've been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen. Y'all ready? 812 00:42:54,775 --> 00:42:56,043 [CROWD CHEERING] 813 00:42:59,012 --> 00:43:03,217 He performed at the Apollo theater in Harlem, ladies and gentlemen. 814 00:43:04,685 --> 00:43:08,789 He performed with four SNL s... Cast members. 815 00:43:08,789 --> 00:43:10,457 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 816 00:43:13,794 --> 00:43:15,562 [CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] 817 00:43:17,431 --> 00:43:19,066 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 818 00:43:26,039 --> 00:43:27,708 [CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] 819 00:43:29,276 --> 00:43:31,578 Now, ladies and gentlemen, are y'all ready? 820 00:43:31,578 --> 00:43:33,080 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 821 00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,649 - This is what we're waiting for. - [CROWD CHEERING] 822 00:43:35,649 --> 00:43:37,618 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 823 00:43:37,618 --> 00:43:40,220 He performed at the Apollo in Harlem. 824 00:43:42,389 --> 00:43:45,092 He performed with four SNL cast members. 825 00:43:46,593 --> 00:43:50,631 And five WWE Hall of Famers. Did I say that right? 826 00:43:50,631 --> 00:43:52,232 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 827 00:43:56,403 --> 00:43:57,971 [CATASH CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] 828 00:43:59,740 --> 00:44:01,575 [LOULIES SPEAKING] 829 00:44:15,856 --> 00:44:17,658 [LOULIES BREATHES DEEPLY] 830 00:44:17,658 --> 00:44:19,426 ...four SNL cast members. 831 00:44:21,028 --> 00:44:23,497 And five WWE Hall of Famers. 832 00:44:27,134 --> 00:44:28,869 Tim Loulies! 833 00:44:28,869 --> 00:44:32,339 - [CROWD CHEERING] - [RAP MUSIC PLAYS] 834 00:44:39,446 --> 00:44:41,014 [ALL LAUGHING] 835 00:44:42,616 --> 00:44:44,551 CATASH: Kirk Franklin, huh? Really? 836 00:44:44,551 --> 00:44:47,788 You wildin' man. I feel bad for that bottle, man. [LAUGHS] 837 00:44:49,790 --> 00:44:52,626 All right. Well, we got a good story from it. 838 00:44:52,626 --> 00:44:55,662 - And I mean, it ended up being awesome. - CATASH: Yeah. 839 00:44:55,662 --> 00:44:59,800 And crowd was ready, dude. Like you got 'em there. Five tops. 840 00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:02,135 - Exactly. - FOWLER: At least. 841 00:45:02,135 --> 00:45:07,241 Hey, man, all bullshit aside, though, man, I'm gonna tell you regardless of how angry I was... 842 00:45:07,241 --> 00:45:13,547 Regardless of how, uh, I was a little volcano erupting in that staircase, man... 843 00:45:13,547 --> 00:45:17,584 Man, I couldn't have had a better person in that position than Catash, 844 00:45:17,584 --> 00:45:21,822 regardless of the mistakes or whatever, to keep that crowd so nuclear 845 00:45:21,822 --> 00:45:24,224 and to keep them up after that... 846 00:45:24,224 --> 00:45:27,828 Still, by the time I hit that stage, they were still boiling over. 847 00:45:27,828 --> 00:45:30,898 You know what I mean? So, I mean, you know, props to you, man. 848 00:45:30,898 --> 00:45:32,833 I... I didn't know what was going on, man. 849 00:45:32,833 --> 00:45:34,868 - The Kirk Franklin got me. - [BOTH LAUGH] 850 00:45:37,104 --> 00:45:39,907 Like, for those watching, he has... 851 00:45:39,907 --> 00:45:41,708 The reason I put him in this position 852 00:45:41,708 --> 00:45:46,280 is because he has a background in not only comedy, but, um, rapping, 853 00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:49,550 gospel, acting, all that stuff. 854 00:45:49,550 --> 00:45:53,420 So, in that particular situation, where we had those miscues, 855 00:45:53,420 --> 00:45:55,622 uh, you know, to work on the fly and to keep... 856 00:45:55,622 --> 00:45:58,025 The biggest thing, regardless of how many mistakes were made, 857 00:45:58,025 --> 00:45:59,760 - is to keep the audience up. - Yeah. 858 00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:01,895 LOULIES: Nobody could have done it better than Catash. 859 00:46:01,895 --> 00:46:03,564 CATASH: Dude, they was right there. 860 00:46:03,564 --> 00:46:05,766 I wanted to go out after you. You know what I'm saying? [LAUGHS] 861 00:46:05,766 --> 00:46:10,137 I wanted go out and introduce my damn self, man. It was so good, man. [LAUGHS] 862 00:46:10,137 --> 00:46:12,406 - LOULIES: That's why I was like, it's a whole other set. - You killed it. 863 00:46:17,244 --> 00:46:19,213 ["2 LEGIT" PLAYING] 864 00:46:25,619 --> 00:46:27,221 ♪ When the game on the line ♪ 865 00:46:27,221 --> 00:46:28,956 ♪ You can't fold and you can't bend ♪ 866 00:46:28,956 --> 00:46:31,692 ♪ Y'all be playing it safe and I be going for the win ♪ 867 00:46:31,692 --> 00:46:34,528 ♪ Remember back when they was doubting on the kid ♪ 868 00:46:34,528 --> 00:46:37,397 ♪ Now they tuned in 'Cause my game too legit ♪ 869 00:46:37,397 --> 00:46:40,234 ♪ Stayed down remained humble and I made it work ♪ 870 00:46:40,234 --> 00:46:43,003 ♪ Crazy how I came out so clean from the dirt ♪ 871 00:46:43,003 --> 00:46:45,906 ♪ We was using candles on the nights the lights ain't work ♪ 872 00:46:45,906 --> 00:46:48,675 ♪ We aint never going back to that and that I merch ♪ 873 00:46:48,675 --> 00:46:51,512 ♪ Turn your back on me the worst mistake you'll ever make ♪ 874 00:46:51,512 --> 00:46:54,348 ♪ Keep my grass cut Gotta watch out for the snakes ♪ 875 00:46:54,348 --> 00:46:57,084 ♪ If it's on my plate best believe it's getting ate ♪ 876 00:46:57,084 --> 00:46:59,887 ♪ I'm balling like I'm Kobe 33 before the 8 ♪ 877 00:46:59,887 --> 00:47:02,756 ♪ I just want the rings and the medals and trophies ♪ 878 00:47:02,756 --> 00:47:05,526 ♪ I want the Kardashians and Jenners to all know me ♪ 879 00:47:05,526 --> 00:47:08,395 ♪ I want to take a Uber to the Hills to visit Khloe ♪ 880 00:47:08,395 --> 00:47:11,098 ♪ I want floor seats 'Cause I'm tired of the nose bleeds ♪ 881 00:47:11,098 --> 00:47:12,432 ♪ When the game on the line ♪ 882 00:47:12,432 --> 00:47:14,168 ♪ You can't fold and you can't bend ♪ 883 00:47:14,168 --> 00:47:16,737 ♪ Y'all be playing it safe and I be going for the win ♪ 884 00:47:16,737 --> 00:47:19,673 ♪ Remember back when they was doubting on the kid ♪ 885 00:47:19,673 --> 00:47:22,509 ♪ Now they tuned in 'Cause my game too legit ♪ 886 00:47:22,509 --> 00:47:24,444 ♪ I feel like I'm Scottie Pippen ♪ 887 00:47:24,444 --> 00:47:26,914 ♪ Putting in all the work but they don't give me no recognition ♪ 888 00:47:26,914 --> 00:47:29,616 ♪ Basically the league's MVP But the P is missing ♪ 889 00:47:29,616 --> 00:47:32,719 ♪ I'm the most valuable but sometimes they tend to forget it ♪ 890 00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:34,188 ♪ I live my life on the edge ♪ 891 00:47:34,188 --> 00:47:35,622 ♪ But my back against the wall ♪ 892 00:47:35,622 --> 00:47:37,057 ♪ I make sure my shoes laced ♪ 893 00:47:37,057 --> 00:47:38,725 ♪ 'Cause who gon' catch me If I fall... ♪