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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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♪ Anything is possible ♪
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This is what we're waiting for.
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He performed
at the Apollo in Harlem.
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He performed with four
SNL cast members. -
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And five WWE Hall of Famers.
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Put your hands together
for my boy Tim Loulies.
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Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
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Thank you, thank you,
Virginia Beach. Thank you so much.
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Man, there's such a great
mixed crowd in here tonight,
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I'm like, man, we can't call
this dude a cracker.
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This fat son of a bitch
is a stuffed crust.
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Ain't nothing thin and crispy
about me, damn it.
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I'll go ahead and address this
right now before one of y'all say something.
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I know this shirt
is tight as hell.
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When you reach this level obesity,
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you can live that
wrinkle-free lifestyle. I ain't gotta iron shit.
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A lot of y'all ain't never
seen me before.
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You're like, "Who the hell
is this diabetic-looking Billy Mays?"
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But wait, there's more.
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Fat jokes, because I'm retiring
these sons of bitches soon.
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I've been going
through some things medically lately.
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My doctor just sent me
to go get an MRI knowing damned well
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I suffer from extreme
claustrophobia.
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And I was like,
"Doc, you know I don't do good in tight spaces, man."
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He said, "I'll give you
a few Xanax."
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I was like, "All right,
I'll give it a shot then." -
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If you've ever been
in an MRI machine before,
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you know they make
a very distinct noise. They do that woop, woop, woop.
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I got inside that tube,
I started sweating, rocking back and forth.
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That machine said
"nope, nope, nope."
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Shot me out like
a cannonball,
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said, "Get your fat ass
out of this doctor's office."
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In the past 10 months,
I've lost 132 pounds.
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I mean, I got the surgery.
I feel like I kind of cheated a little bit.
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You know what I'm saying?
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And also because it's turned me
into a really pretentious asshole now.
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'Cause I'm criticizing
other people about their diet choices.
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You know what I'm saying?
What they like to eat.
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I go over to my little niece's
and nephew's house,
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can't let them have a good time
at a birthday party.
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I'm like, ugh, chocolate cake,
vanilla ice cream.
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Ugh, you're gonna turn into
a type two diabetic. Ugh.
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They're like,
"Don't stand up so fast, Uncle Tim. You're still fat."
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When I work out, I go to gym
called Planet Fitness.
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I know y'all know
about this bullshit. -
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At Planet Fitness,
they call themselves the Judgment-Free Zone,
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and they give out Tootsie Rolls
at the front counter.
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And if there's some members
in here tonight to be my witness,
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on Monday nights,
they give their members... - CROWD: Pizza.
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Pizza.
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It's pizza night
at Planet Fitness on Mondays, y'all.
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You can go into this gym
and see people sitting down eating pizza.
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I'm, like, I just left
my house to get away from this bullshit, man.
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What's next? 40-oz Fridays?
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People getting up
on the treadmill gnawing on crust,
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spilling ranch dressing
on the elliptical machines.
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Dude's bench pressing,
breathing all heavy,
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smelling like Papa John's
garlic sauce.
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I just never felt more justified
to say with all the convictions of the bottom of my heart,
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like, ugh, you fat,
sloppy bastards.
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Get your life together.
This is disgusting. -
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It's hard for me to get
motivated to get out of my house and get to the gym.
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But when
I'm in that parking lot, I'm trying to psych myself out
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and do everything I can
to not go into this place.
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But, you know, like,
it's my intention to do 2.5 miles on the treadmill.
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But if I don't get that
front parking spot...
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Fuck this. This work out
can wait till Monday.
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When I get in the gym,
I get stretched out.
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I get on a machine,
I start going hard,
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and right in the middle
of my set someone's always coming to stop me, like,
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"Sir. Sir."
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I take out my earphones.
"Yes, ma'am. Can I help you?"
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"Look, I just want to tell you.
Keep going. Don't ever give up."
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I said, "Bitch..."
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"Didn't I just see you stuffing
a meat lovers down your throat a few minutes ago?
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"Quit talking to me."
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But it feels great
when you lose weight.
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when you run into folks
you haven't seen in a while,
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and they give you compliments
on the way that you look.
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Now, I come from a place
called Portsmouth, Virginia.
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You all followed me here.
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Now, see, Portsmouth,
we've been rated our state's
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most dangerous city
six years in a row.
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When I got out of high school,
I didn't make a wise career decision.
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I didn't go into the military.
I didn't go to college.
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I hung out with all the thugs
and the hoodlums.
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You couldn't
tell me shit back then.
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But you know
what's really disheartening,
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I see some of my same friends
now in our late 30s early 40s
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still doing the same stupid shit
we used to do when we were 17.
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These knuckleheads
that don't grow up.
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I know y'all
know folks like this. - CROWD: Yup.
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And if you ask 'em if
they're staying out of trouble,
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this is what
they tell you nowadays.
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"Oh, I ain't about
that life no more."
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I went to a friend's house
I ain't seen in, like, 10 or 12 years.
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He's like, "Damn, Tim,
you're looking good." I said, "I appreciate that, man."
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I was like, "How you been?
You been staying out of trouble?
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He's like, "I ain't about
that life no more, man.
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"I ain't about
that life no more."
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The whole time he was smoking
a blunt on his front porch, cleaning a stolen pistol,
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with imitation tags
on his license plate like they're cut out of a box.
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I wrote a 24 on that shit.
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I said,
"What's wrong with you, man? You're asking to get..."
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See... See, I don't...
I don't give the police a reason to pull me over.
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I always make sure my tags
and stickers are always legit.
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Once, you know, I got stopped,
ironically, while driving to the gym...
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You know, I got a citation
for eating while driving.
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This is a law in 41 states,
and it's got to stop, too, because in my case,
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that's profiling, damn it.
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This cop walks up to my window
and he says, "Young man, do you know what I stopped you for?
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"I don't know, Officer,
but I know I wasn't speeding."
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And he said,
"I saw you eating a candy bar."
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I said, " Officer, this is
a Muscle Milk protein bar."
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I ain't about
that life no more, man.
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I can't be like that anymore.
My health really caught up to me.
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I'll give you a personal trouble
for a second.
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About six, seven years ago,
I got diagnosed with kidney cancer.
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I went under the knife.
I had some of the best doctors in Virginia.
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They got the entire tumor out.
I just went for a checkup.
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They think it's gonna be
a zero chance of recurrence.
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I've never had a long-term stay
in the hospital before,
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and I witnessed
quite a few discomforts.
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And one particular discomfort
really stood out from the rest.
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Fellas, if there was ever a time
to actually appreciate not being so well-endowed,
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it's when you have to have three
separate catheters inserted over a period of five days.
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If you don't know
what catheter is, let me explain this to you real quick.
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This is a tube with the diameter
of a number two pencil,
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the only pencil certified
for the SATs.
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Well, they fully
inserted it into my, erm... My love muscle. My...
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I mean, you know,
I'm trying to be artistic. I could have just said my dick.
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Now, I carry an average
Snickers bar.
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It's not the fun size,
but I ain't packing a king either.
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I just appreciate it was
a relatively short trip in,
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if you know what
I'm talking about. -
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They had me doped up
on this painkiller called Dilaudid.
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00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:07,020
That shit make
morphine feel like a Tylenol.
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I was hearing crazy shit.
I was saying crazy shit.
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I had some really cute nurses
I was flirting with.
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I'm a big movie fan.
I like to speak in movie references.
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And my favorite movie ever
was Coming To America with Eddie Murphy.
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Them girls were down there
working underneath my gown,
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I was hoping one
would pop up and be like,
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"Your royal penis is clean,
Your Highness." -
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I'll give it to you right here
in the hospital, girls. Shit.
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I was trying to fuck
the nurses in the hospital, too.
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I couldn't take them home
with me. My living situation's little complicated.
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I hate living with people,
but sometimes financial circumstances,
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you gotta do what you gotta do.
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The problem is nowadays
in this era of, like, Facebook and Twitter.
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when things go wrong
in the household,
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they'll shoot these little
indirect shots at you online.
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They're gonna
be talking about you.
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00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:55,736
You think a grown man
could take out the garbage at least once a week.
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00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:59,339
Somebody need to do
these damn dishes in this house.
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My parents are savages
on their social media, ya'll. -
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00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:07,681
I've not always
used to live in the city.
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00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,583
Actually, when I was a kid,
I grew up out in the country.
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00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,685
I grew up out
in the country country.
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You know, you live out in
the country when DirectTV won't fuck with your ass.
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When I was a kid, I grew up
on a Perdue chicken farm,
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and every morning I got on
that school bus, I smelled like either one of two things,
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fried chicken or chicken shit.
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00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:28,035
Now, when my mom left my dad,
we moved to the city.
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All my family and friends,
they were worried about me.
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They were like,
"Aw, little Timmy.
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00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:33,841
"We're so worried about you
moving out there to the city.
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"They have so much
crime in the city. They have gangs in the city."
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I'm gonna tell you
all something right now.
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They have gangs
out in the country. They are called hunt clubs.
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These sons of bitches
shoot at each other. They're fighting for territory.
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This is some honky-ass
thuggery going on out in the sticks y'all.
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And the men take their sons
hunting with them,
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00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,637
so these little assholes
emulate this shit at school.
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My first day
in the seventh grade,
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these three little
boys cornered me,
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00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:09,943
and they said, "Hey,
this here middle school,
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00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:13,580
"is in the territory
of the Boxelder Hunt Club."
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00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,482
He said, "If you're gonna wear
a jacket in this school,
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00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:19,920
it better be either one
of two colors, either UPS brown or canary yellow.
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00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:26,660
"You see what's going on
right here with this fancy jacket you got on
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00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,629
"with this royal blue
and this blaze orange.
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00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:31,431
"We can't pronounce the name
of this hunt club, boy. Who are you with?"
186
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,269
I said, "I'm a New York
Knicks fan, you asshole."
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00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,773
They said,
"When you tell the New York Ka-nicks
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00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,575
"to stay off
my pawpaw's property."
189
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:49,249
But these lights...
These lights are hot as shit, man.
190
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,952
About to sweat my next to
last chin off of this bitch.
191
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:59,493
Thank God we ain't got to wear
them masks no more, man. Fuck them masks.
192
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:02,863
But if there was a silver lining
to wearing those masks, I'll tell you something...
193
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:06,099
There is no man, material or God
would be more honest with you about your breath.
194
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:12,506
Then what
those damned masks were.
195
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:15,375
You ain't gotta worry
about Covid no more. The flu is still killing people.
196
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,145
And you'll get sick, man.
You get sick easy nowadays, man.
197
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:21,114
I don't care where you are,
I travel all over the country, and I'm telling you,
198
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:24,117
it could be 80 degrees one day,
30 degrees the next, no matter where you're at.
199
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:27,888
And I used to be a big skeptic
of climate change, but something is not right anymore.
200
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:31,391
Can you explain to me
how the hell I caught frostbite on December 6
201
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:34,628
and a mosquito bite
on December 9. That shit is what's happening, man.
202
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,868
A lot of people,
including myself, get this seasonal depression.
203
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:44,571
So, you know, when it starts
getting dark early, they feel kind of down.
204
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,373
Do you guys enjoy that
about the summer?
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00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,576
Do you like the longer days
the extended sunlight? -
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00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,845
I don't.
207
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,848
Because when you're unemployed,
it makes you feel like that much more like a piece of shit.
208
00:11:57,251 --> 00:12:00,087
You look at your watch,
like, it's 7:00 and the sun's still out.
209
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:01,922
When is this unproductive
day gonna end?
210
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,930
I hated my last job.
I was a bill collector.
211
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,932
I was one of those assholes
calling you from 8:00 in the morning
212
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,333
till 9:00 at night.
213
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,669
And I hated that job
because I was living a damn lie.
214
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,406
My weight is literally
still higher than my credit score.
215
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,442
How do I tell somebody
to pay their Discover card?
216
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,179
I stopped paying
Circuit City 11 years ago. They closed down.
217
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:28,949
What have you
done for me lately? -
218
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:31,685
The highlight of my day...
We call all over the country. The highlight of my day
219
00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:34,054
was when I would get
an old southern Baptist black woman on the phone.
220
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:38,025
They answer the phone like this.
"Praise the Lord, now."
221
00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,093
But by the end
of that conversation, like,
222
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:43,697
"You ever call this goddamn
house again talking bullshit about me paying bills."
223
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,268
Yes, ma'am.
224
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:55,442
Now, see, I was one of the best
bill collectors because he used me to track folks down
225
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,444
because people don't answer
their phones no more.
226
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,980
You got to sneak around.
You gotta get creative. You got to go through their...
227
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,715
Calling through their neighbors,
through their families,
228
00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,717
through their jobs.
whatever you got to do.
229
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:07,487
They got me to find
Jason Kidd back when he played with the Dallas Mavericks.
230
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:11,758
I caught him on a team bus,
got him to pay a $7,000 bill on the spot.
231
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:13,994
And that's another reason
I was the best bill collector because if you owed me money
232
00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:16,830
you're paying it in full today,
no payments, no exceptions.
233
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,465
I remember
I was blasting this guy on the phone one time.
234
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:24,571
I said, " Sir, you owe this
Patient First Clinic $1,230.58.
235
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,241
"Now, what are we going
to do about this?"
236
00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:31,612
He thinks he's slick like
he's gonna give me the run around.
237
00:13:31,612 --> 00:13:35,482
He's like, "Oh, you know,
Mr. Loulies, times are really tough right now.
238
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:39,319
"It's the holidays.
The family dog passed away on us.
239
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,255
"And they're cutting
my hours on the job.
240
00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,690
"Can we work something out?
Can I make payments, please?"
241
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:47,594
I said "No. Uh-uh.
There'll be no exceptions on this matter."
242
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:50,330
I said, "You've got 30 seconds
to go and get your checkbook or a debit card.
243
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:53,300
"You're paying
this bill in full right now."
244
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,369
So, I wait for him to come back.
I got a call on the line
245
00:13:55,369 --> 00:13:57,104
thinking it's a customer
calling in to pay a bill.
246
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,106
So, I answer with
the most authoritative voice.
247
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:02,543
"Transworld Collection Systems.
This is Mr. Loulies. How may I help you?"
248
00:14:02,543 --> 00:14:04,211
"Yes. Hi, Mr. Loulies."
249
00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,779
"Yes, this is Mr. Loulies."
250
00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:08,382
"Well, is this
Timothy Michael Loulies?"
251
00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:19,960
So, I ducked down in my cubicle.
252
00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:25,132
"Who? Who is this?"
253
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,970
"Oh, this is Mrs. Adams
from Portfolio Recovery Services.
254
00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:34,842
"We're calling to see
what you can do about your Circuit City bill, sir."
255
00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:41,348
I said, "Damn, you found me."
256
00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:43,517
I said, "Check this out,
Mrs. Adams, I want you to listen to something.
257
00:14:43,517 --> 00:14:45,986
"I want you to listen
really good, okay?"
258
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:51,225
"Times are kind of tough right now, Mrs. Adams.
259
00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:54,928
"May I make payments, please?"
260
00:14:59,233 --> 00:15:03,604
All right, you know...
I got to... I got to confess.
261
00:15:03,604 --> 00:15:08,041
I wasn't telling
the truth, all right, when I first set up that joke.
262
00:15:10,611 --> 00:15:13,447
I'm actually still
a bill collector. -
263
00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:16,617
And I'm glad
I got you here tonight
264
00:15:16,617 --> 00:15:18,285
because I couldn't
get your ass on the phone.
265
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:28,896
I'm playing, I'm playing.
I really did lose my job at the collection agency
266
00:15:28,896 --> 00:15:31,565
because I failed a piss test.
267
00:15:31,565 --> 00:15:34,234
What the hell does
smoking weed got to do with how you collect bills?
268
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,306
I care how you pay your bills.
I understand that.
269
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,875
I had to stop smoking weed
not just for health purposes, but because
270
00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:45,579
when I used to get high,
I used to do some of the most dumb and paranoid shit.
271
00:15:45,579 --> 00:15:47,548
Like, you ever get so high,
you're driving down the road
272
00:15:47,548 --> 00:15:50,050
and you light up your best
tasting cigarette of your life,
273
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,786
and you drop your cigarette,
you stop your car, you get out,
274
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,889
you look underneath the seat,
find the cigarette, stand up, shut the door
275
00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:57,824
and lock your ass
out of your own car? -
276
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:01,128
At a stoplight.
277
00:16:03,597 --> 00:16:05,766
And when you get high,
you don't make good diet choices.
278
00:16:05,766 --> 00:16:08,735
You end up at a place
like McDonald's. Ugh.
279
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,470
But you want
to hurry up and eat,
280
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,005
so you stand in line
and you start bitching and complaining like,
281
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:14,908
"Hey, man, why ain't this line
moving, man?
282
00:16:14,908 --> 00:16:18,512
"What y'all got going on
back there, man? Move this damn line."
283
00:16:18,512 --> 00:16:21,815
Till you realize you're standing
behind the Ronald McDonald statue looking dumb.
284
00:16:25,786 --> 00:16:28,655
As I said,
I'm a real big movie fan.
285
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:31,692
And Star Wars is absolutely
killing it right now.
286
00:16:31,692 --> 00:16:34,228
I'll tell you, man.
287
00:16:34,228 --> 00:16:35,762
Regardless,
if you're a Star Wars fan,
288
00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:37,464
you got to give that franchise
a lot of credit.
289
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,533
They've made
tremendous progress, socially.
290
00:16:39,533 --> 00:16:42,202
Because if you didn't know,
three out of the last
291
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:44,605
four feature films,
the lead hero is a female.
292
00:16:44,605 --> 00:16:46,373
Now they got Ahsoka killing it.
293
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,609
Ladies are representing
for the Jedis. I think that's pretty cool.
294
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:54,147
But I still don't thinkStar Wars has gone far enough.
295
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:58,652
Because we've had a black Jedi.
We've had elderly Jedi. We've had a crippled Jedi.
296
00:16:58,652 --> 00:17:02,890
And I'm ready
to see the gay Jedi. -
297
00:17:02,890 --> 00:17:06,026
Yeah, now picture, if you will,
the gay Jedi runs up on the scene,
298
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:08,662
picks up his hot pink lightsaber
with a vibrating handle.
299
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:18,238
Little light potpourri scent,
hair blowing in the wind and shit.
300
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,908
And when he swings
that lightsaber, it's not that traditional sound
301
00:17:20,908 --> 00:17:23,744
we're used to hearing, like...
302
00:17:23,744 --> 00:17:28,215
It's more like,
hey, hey. hey.
303
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:34,054
They might as well. Gay dudes are ambitious nowadays.
304
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:38,158
They're in the the NBA,
they're professional wrestling and getting drafted to the NFL.
305
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,928
You give a gay dude an inch,
he just wants to take nine more.
306
00:17:44,198 --> 00:17:45,899
Hey, if you don't
like that joke,
307
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,935
you can suck
on Wookiee penis, damn it.
308
00:17:47,935 --> 00:17:49,736
That is well-crafted
material right there.
309
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:56,376
I recently just saw
that movie The Creator
310
00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:59,112
about artificial intelligence.
That's some scary shit, man.
311
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,248
If you ain't seen this movie,
I ain't gonna spoil it for you,
312
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,750
but what it's about
is artificial intelligence
313
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:07,754
becomes sentient beings,
and they start forming relationships with humans.
314
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:10,057
Humans start falling
in love with them. - WOMAN: No way.
315
00:18:10,057 --> 00:18:11,959
Ladies, let me tell
y'all something,
316
00:18:11,959 --> 00:18:15,295
when artificial
gets into the dating scene at that level, you're fucked.
317
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:19,233
Because men,
we know what we want.
318
00:18:19,233 --> 00:18:22,302
Ladies, you don't know
what the fuck you want. -
319
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:26,406
You don't want the honest,
faithful Frank 9000.
320
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:29,042
Bitch, C-3PO ain't gonna
suck on your toes.
321
00:18:31,245 --> 00:18:33,080
Now, can you imagine
the arguments?
322
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,215
Ladies, can you imagine
the arguments you would try to have to have
323
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,919
You would try to have to have
with these artificial... Artificial intelligent beings?
324
00:18:38,919 --> 00:18:43,891
Try to pull that
"Oh, it's your fault because I match energy" bullshit.
325
00:18:43,891 --> 00:18:45,926
Like, bitch,
what with my battery? What the fuck?
326
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,129
You ain't matching
no lithium ion.
327
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,733
The fuck is wrong with you?
328
00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:56,336
And you know what's
frustrating for me, man?
329
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:59,239
It's like, you know,
it's like I got rid of...
330
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:02,609
I'm getting rid
of one insecurity with losing the weight,
331
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:05,812
and now I gotta
deal with another. It's the loose skin, right.
332
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,782
So, now I gotta have a whole
new approach with women.
333
00:19:08,782 --> 00:19:12,686
But ladies, it shouldn't be
that hard of a sell, right? I mean, you like bean bags?
334
00:19:16,757 --> 00:19:19,526
Do you like oversized hoodies?
335
00:19:20,794 --> 00:19:22,696
You like cute
little furry animals?
336
00:19:24,097 --> 00:19:26,266
Fuck the sugar daddy,
get you a sugar glider.
337
00:19:31,205 --> 00:19:36,643
Sugar glider jump
right off the dresser right onto the bed.
338
00:19:39,780 --> 00:19:41,682
Look, ladies, if it grosses
you out a little bit...
339
00:19:41,682 --> 00:19:44,818
I had dudes say,
"Oh, man. What you gonna do with the ladies, man?
340
00:19:44,818 --> 00:19:47,221
"All that loose skin.
What are you gonna wear? Spanx?"
341
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:50,557
I ain't gonna wear
no damned Spanx.
342
00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:52,559
I'm gonna wear Under Armour,
goddamn it. Shit.
343
00:19:53,994 --> 00:19:56,363
The Rock wears Under Armour.
344
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,032
Elite college athletes
wear Under Armour.
345
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,802
And so does
the sugar glider, damn it.
346
00:20:01,802 --> 00:20:03,837
I got some of the best
Under Armour in the game.
347
00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:09,409
I ain't gonna lie to you,
though, where I do have a little bit of challenges
348
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,045
in my dating life sometimes,
my choice of footwear,
349
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:16,383
because I proudly
and unapologetically wear Crocs.
350
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:19,319
If you're somebody
that shits on people for wearing Crocs, fuck you.
351
00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:25,225
Crocs are some of the most
innovative footwear.
352
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:28,595
I stepped in a puddle
of water one time, my feet were soaking wet.
353
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:31,698
30 seconds later, boom,
they were bone dry.
354
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,901
It really does have the same
effect on the ladies, fellas.
355
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:37,204
So, I'm warning you.
Those are the consequences.
356
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,609
I had this redneck one time...
I had this redneck one time
357
00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:44,545
tried to tell me, he said
"Boy, when you gonna learn?
358
00:20:44,545 --> 00:20:46,547
"You ain't gonna get laid
wearing no Crocs."
359
00:20:46,547 --> 00:20:49,550
I said, "Sir, you are talking
on a flip phone and wearing a fanny pack.
360
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:50,918
"Don't you lecture me."
361
00:20:54,788 --> 00:20:58,892
Now, I know we got a lot
of rednecks in here tonight.
362
00:21:00,928 --> 00:21:02,563
But I'm gonna
tell y'all something.
363
00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:08,135
Today's rednecks,
you are soft. Soft.
364
00:21:08,135 --> 00:21:11,705
I remember back when rednecks
used to drink Budweiser.
365
00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:15,309
Now they're drinking
Bud Light Lime.
366
00:21:15,309 --> 00:21:19,379
I remember back
when rednecks used to throw cast-iron horseshoes.
367
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:21,448
And now
you're throwing beanbags. -
368
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,620
And you know what it is?
It's the music.
369
00:21:26,620 --> 00:21:30,457
Because country music
today sucks dick.
370
00:21:34,595 --> 00:21:36,630
And it's reflective
of the culture.
371
00:21:36,630 --> 00:21:39,666
That's why rednecks are soft,
all right? It's reflective.
372
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:41,935
Because when I grew up,
I was listening to people
373
00:21:41,935 --> 00:21:43,504
who were saying something
with their soul.
374
00:21:43,504 --> 00:21:48,075
Like Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson,
The older shit like Johnny Cash.
375
00:21:48,075 --> 00:21:50,944
Now these dudes
are in these arenas with their shirt off
376
00:21:50,944 --> 00:21:53,747
all rubbed up with oil
like WWE wrestlers and shit.
377
00:21:55,015 --> 00:21:57,017
You know, I travel a lot
throughout the South,
378
00:21:57,017 --> 00:22:01,188
and sometimes I have to have
a very uncomfortable conversation with rednecks.
379
00:22:01,188 --> 00:22:04,091
But, um, I have to tell
you something.
380
00:22:04,091 --> 00:22:08,095
Barack Obama
did not steal your America. -
381
00:22:08,095 --> 00:22:09,863
Luke Bryan did, damn it.
382
00:22:11,865 --> 00:22:13,033
Soft.
383
00:22:16,203 --> 00:22:18,005
Now, I may...
384
00:22:18,005 --> 00:22:22,176
You may hear me say
some curse words and stuff, but a lot of y'all
385
00:22:22,176 --> 00:22:25,812
know I am not
a vulgar comic, right? - WOMAN: No.
386
00:22:25,812 --> 00:22:27,614
But I do got this one new joke.
387
00:22:30,117 --> 00:22:32,619
It's pretty dirty, y'all.
388
00:22:32,619 --> 00:22:34,988
- Y'all want to hear it?
-Yeah!
389
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:39,226
- It's a little nasty. You sure?
-Yeah.
390
00:22:39,226 --> 00:22:40,694
All right.
391
00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:42,796
So, back in high school,
when I was eating pussy, right?
392
00:22:46,166 --> 00:22:49,837
I wasn't doing a very good job
because I did not know what a clitoris was.
393
00:22:50,971 --> 00:22:52,706
I didn't know what I was doing.
394
00:22:52,706 --> 00:22:54,208
I was just down there looking
like the Chick-fil-A logo going...
395
00:22:57,711 --> 00:23:00,581
You see these young guys...
These young boys, they've got no excuse nowadays.
396
00:23:00,581 --> 00:23:03,851
They've got all this information
in the palm of their hands. You know what I'm saying?
397
00:23:03,851 --> 00:23:07,654
I mean, I can say that,
but when I take some honest reflection,
398
00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:11,692
I don't have an excuse either,
because wouldn't you agree
399
00:23:11,692 --> 00:23:14,094
that the '90s was the golden age
for hip-hop and R&B?
400
00:23:16,597 --> 00:23:19,333
If I was only hearing what
SWV was trying to tell me...
401
00:23:21,068 --> 00:23:22,669
Y'all know this song...
402
00:23:22,669 --> 00:23:26,974
♪ You gotta go downtown
That's the way to my love ♪
403
00:23:26,974 --> 00:23:29,042
She said,♪ Lick it round and round ♪
404
00:23:29,042 --> 00:23:32,513
She really did say,
"Lick it round and round," on the the unedited version,
405
00:23:32,513 --> 00:23:35,282
not those bullshit CDs
we we're buying a Walmart.
406
00:23:38,185 --> 00:23:40,854
And just like in the movieWhite Man Can't Jump
407
00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:42,923
where Wesley Snipes
told Woody Harrelson,
408
00:23:42,923 --> 00:23:48,462
"You might be listening
to Jimi Hendrix, but you ain't hearing Jimi Hendrix."
409
00:23:48,462 --> 00:23:52,266
If I was only hearing
what Coko, Lelee and Taj was trying to tell me...
410
00:23:54,401 --> 00:23:56,270
Now that joke
ain't got a big finish,
411
00:23:56,270 --> 00:23:58,372
but those young ladies
won't get theirs either, so... -
412
00:24:03,143 --> 00:24:05,579
Brand new joke.
I just did it for the special tonight.
413
00:24:07,614 --> 00:24:10,651
I dunno, y'all, uh...
414
00:24:10,651 --> 00:24:13,487
Y'all think that joke has
some potential? - CROWD: Yeah!
415
00:24:13,487 --> 00:24:16,390
So, I can tell it
again sometime? - CROWD: Yeah!
416
00:24:16,390 --> 00:24:18,559
So, back in high school,
when I was eating pussy... -
417
00:24:25,332 --> 00:24:27,000
Now I gotta put
this declaimer out there
418
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,269
just in case things get
too fresh after the show.
419
00:24:29,269 --> 00:24:32,072
But, um, I don't get
with the big girls, man.
420
00:24:33,974 --> 00:24:36,910
It's not that I'm too picky.
It's just that shit don't work out.
421
00:24:36,910 --> 00:24:40,981
The last time me
and a big girl got on one of them iron frame beds,
422
00:24:40,981 --> 00:24:43,350
it was like two manatees
in a cage match.
423
00:24:47,020 --> 00:24:49,089
And we did damage
to the environment, damn it.
424
00:24:52,626 --> 00:24:55,996
We put holes in the floor,
knocked the asbestos out of the wall,
425
00:24:56,997 --> 00:24:58,532
starting a fire.
426
00:25:01,201 --> 00:25:03,370
Like I said, ladies,
you don't know what you want, man.
427
00:25:03,370 --> 00:25:04,938
You don't know what you want,
because even now,
428
00:25:04,938 --> 00:25:07,608
these women in their late 30's
and their 40's
429
00:25:07,608 --> 00:25:11,178
are still going for these
toxic ass relationships, right?
430
00:25:11,178 --> 00:25:13,947
You love a toxic-ass man.
431
00:25:13,947 --> 00:25:17,050
And you still like to say,
"Oh, I like the bad boy type."
432
00:25:17,050 --> 00:25:21,154
But no, you should've got that
bullshit out of your system back in your 20's.
433
00:25:21,154 --> 00:25:24,358
You still like these
lame-ass motherfuckers.
434
00:25:24,358 --> 00:25:26,860
And I tried to understand
the psychology, so I asked a woman. I was like...
435
00:25:26,860 --> 00:25:31,331
I was like, "What is it you like
about this bad boy type?" They always say the same thing.
436
00:25:31,331 --> 00:25:34,535
"Oh, they're so exciting.
They're so unpredictable."
437
00:25:34,535 --> 00:25:36,403
Ladies, I'm gonna tell you
all something right now.
438
00:25:36,403 --> 00:25:38,739
There ain't nothing
more exciting to be with a man who lives his life
439
00:25:38,739 --> 00:25:40,641
on the edge of cardiac arrest.
440
00:25:44,144 --> 00:25:46,313
Shit, I can't even feel
my left arm right now.
441
00:25:51,185 --> 00:25:52,886
But I love all the ladies.
I love all the ladies.
442
00:25:52,886 --> 00:25:54,721
I love them white.
I love them Latina.
443
00:25:54,721 --> 00:25:56,523
But I got a thing
for the sisters.
444
00:25:56,523 --> 00:25:58,559
Man, there's some
of y'all here tonight making my blood sugar drop.
445
00:26:02,196 --> 00:26:04,031
You know, in Virginia,
we're pretty diverse,
446
00:26:04,031 --> 00:26:05,599
but this is still considered
the South, you know.
447
00:26:05,599 --> 00:26:07,601
Growing up,
the rest of my family wasn't quite like me.
448
00:26:07,601 --> 00:26:09,369
My parents, they come from
the old school, you know.
449
00:26:09,369 --> 00:26:12,105
So, I had to, you know...
They weren't quite like me.
450
00:26:12,105 --> 00:26:14,474
I had to sneak around
and listen to rap music.
451
00:26:14,474 --> 00:26:16,677
Had to go behind my parents'
back to watch Soul Train. -
452
00:26:18,378 --> 00:26:20,781
One day, my mom,
she caught me watchingShowtime at the Apollo,
453
00:26:20,781 --> 00:26:23,183
and she whooped my ass.
454
00:26:23,183 --> 00:26:25,018
But I don't wanna mislead y'all.
I ain't got nothing to do with race.
455
00:26:25,018 --> 00:26:27,087
My whole family,
we love black folks.
456
00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:29,923
My mom used to whoop my ass
because she caught me jerking off to Kiki Shepherd.
457
00:26:34,027 --> 00:26:37,598
Hey, hey, I want to fuck that
Popeyes chicken lady.
458
00:26:37,598 --> 00:26:39,967
You seen her?
With the short hair. Oh, my God.
459
00:26:44,771 --> 00:26:47,107
That's my sugar cane
sweet tea right there, baby.
460
00:26:48,909 --> 00:26:50,577
Louisiana fast.
461
00:26:52,279 --> 00:26:55,382
It's making my biscuits
hard a little bit. -
462
00:26:58,252 --> 00:27:01,255
Which brings me to what
I really wanted to talk to all y'all about tonight.
463
00:27:03,156 --> 00:27:07,661
Interracial babies.
They're beautiful, right? - CROWD: Yeah!
464
00:27:07,661 --> 00:27:09,897
Listen, it's the year 2023
of Our Lord.
465
00:27:09,897 --> 00:27:13,333
if you still got that prejudice
in your heart, you need to let that bullshit go.
466
00:27:13,333 --> 00:27:15,969
Humans are gonna mix
with other races of humans.
467
00:27:15,969 --> 00:27:18,939
In fact,
dogs with types of dogs, cats and with types of cats.
468
00:27:18,939 --> 00:27:21,275
But you know something?
You don't ever see this with birds.
469
00:27:23,677 --> 00:27:26,180
I'm about to lay some deep
Animal Planet on your shit.
470
00:27:29,183 --> 00:27:31,785
When's the last time
you've seen an interracial bird?
471
00:27:33,487 --> 00:27:36,823
They must have some
bigoted damn parents.
472
00:27:36,823 --> 00:27:40,594
Because you never see a crow
mixed with a blue jay to make a navy blue bird.
473
00:27:40,594 --> 00:27:45,098
Or a seagull mixed with
a starling to make a seastar.
474
00:27:45,098 --> 00:27:47,334
Bat and a robin mixed to make
an actual crime fighting duo.
475
00:27:47,334 --> 00:27:50,804
You don't see that shit.
476
00:27:50,804 --> 00:27:53,507
Fellas, man...
Fellas, if you're out there getting promiscuous,
477
00:27:53,507 --> 00:27:55,175
you better protect yourself.
478
00:27:55,175 --> 00:27:57,811
They got shit that'll kill you
a lot quicker than HIV.
479
00:27:57,811 --> 00:28:00,280
I know they're always trying
to scare people with all these different viruses,
480
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,217
but what was
that thing before Covid? It was called the, um...
481
00:28:03,217 --> 00:28:06,053
- Uh, the Zede... The Z...
-Zika.
482
00:28:06,053 --> 00:28:08,488
Zika. The Zika virus.
Remember that?
483
00:28:08,488 --> 00:28:12,159
That was the one
with the babies coming out with the little heads and shit.
484
00:28:12,159 --> 00:28:14,995
Oh, my God,
that's the last thing I need is a fat little bastard
485
00:28:14,995 --> 00:28:16,730
rolling around
looking like BB-8.
486
00:28:20,067 --> 00:28:23,570
So, fellas,
we gotta protect ourselves.
487
00:28:23,570 --> 00:28:26,974
Y'all out there getting nasty,
getting freaky with it, just remember...
488
00:28:26,974 --> 00:28:29,009
Just remember Geico.
489
00:28:29,009 --> 00:28:31,512
30 seconds or less
will save you hundreds on your health insurance.
490
00:28:33,547 --> 00:28:36,016
Possibly thousands
in child support, so you better wrap that shit up, damn it.
491
00:28:38,886 --> 00:28:41,088
I tell you what, man,
I love this comedy game, man,
492
00:28:41,088 --> 00:28:42,556
because since I've been
on this whole comedy thing,
493
00:28:42,556 --> 00:28:44,691
I've been getting a lot more
attention from the ladies.
494
00:28:44,691 --> 00:28:47,027
And the attention,
that's just half the battle.
495
00:28:47,027 --> 00:28:49,763
Now all I got to do is convince
the girl to share a bed with me and my sleep apnea machine.
496
00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:56,403
I don't know if you've ever
seen these sleep apnea masks before,
497
00:28:56,403 --> 00:28:58,372
but they make you look
like Hannibal Lecter
498
00:29:00,073 --> 00:29:02,576
in the cockpit
of an F-18 Super Hornet or some shit.
499
00:29:05,179 --> 00:29:07,014
Not too long ago,
one night when I got off the stage,
500
00:29:07,014 --> 00:29:09,716
I went to the bar
to find myself a little wounded gazelle.
501
00:29:13,787 --> 00:29:16,623
I took her home,
did my thing, knocked it out.
502
00:29:16,623 --> 00:29:20,060
I rolled over, put my mask on,
went to sleep.
503
00:29:20,060 --> 00:29:22,529
She wanted to start playing
around the middle of the night, rubbing on my back,
504
00:29:22,529 --> 00:29:24,731
like, "Wake up, baby, wake up."
505
00:29:24,731 --> 00:29:26,934
She got me
on the back of my neck where I'm ticklish at.
506
00:29:27,634 --> 00:29:29,036
So, I turned over...
507
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:34,541
What's up, baby?
508
00:29:36,276 --> 00:29:37,811
Are you ready
for that round two?
509
00:29:40,881 --> 00:29:44,952
I ain't lying. I ain't never
seen a Puerto Rican chick turn so white before.
510
00:29:44,952 --> 00:29:48,989
The bitch went
from Jennifer Lopez to Jennifer Love Hewitt.
511
00:29:48,989 --> 00:29:51,992
She probably thought
I was Darth Vader with a thyroid problem or some shit.
512
00:29:53,727 --> 00:29:55,596
But if your doctor
thinks you have sleep apnea,
513
00:29:55,596 --> 00:29:58,332
what they usually do
is send you to a place called a sleep study, right?
514
00:29:58,332 --> 00:30:01,001
You show up
in his doctor's office, and it's got, like, 30 bedrooms,
515
00:30:01,001 --> 00:30:03,637
and immediately you're thinking,
like, "Man, this ain't no normal doctor's office.
516
00:30:03,637 --> 00:30:07,241
"Somebody's fucking
in here, man." -
517
00:30:07,241 --> 00:30:11,111
So, they put me in this bedroom,
They hook up, like, 200 wires and sensors all over my head.
518
00:30:11,111 --> 00:30:12,946
But they were very
accommodating, like,
519
00:30:12,946 --> 00:30:15,682
"Mr. Loulies,
is there anything we can do to help you get to sleep?"
520
00:30:15,682 --> 00:30:17,618
I was like, "You know,
I do like to sleep with a fan."
521
00:30:17,618 --> 00:30:19,520
Boom, they got you a fan.
522
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:22,456
I said, "May I have
a few extra pillows?" They gave me some extra pillows.
523
00:30:22,456 --> 00:30:26,693
I was gonna ask for milk
and cookies, but I thought I'd leave it right there, right?
524
00:30:26,693 --> 00:30:29,963
So, the lights go out.
I started breathing this cool oxygen,
525
00:30:29,963 --> 00:30:31,865
and I felt something
rub up my leg.
526
00:30:32,799 --> 00:30:35,035
I look up, it's the nurse.
527
00:30:35,035 --> 00:30:39,840
She's a sexy little thing.
She jumps up on the bed and she straddles me.
528
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:42,543
And she starts
grinding her hips.
529
00:30:42,543 --> 00:30:44,878
Like, hey, man, what kind
of sleep study is this?
530
00:30:46,213 --> 00:30:48,215
She said, "Mr. Loulies?"
I said, "Yes?"
531
00:30:49,149 --> 00:30:51,051
She said, "Mr. Loulies?"
532
00:30:51,051 --> 00:30:54,788
I said, "Hell, just call me
Tim, baby. What's going on? -
533
00:30:54,788 --> 00:30:57,658
She said, "No, Mr. Loulies?"
534
00:30:57,658 --> 00:30:59,726
And then I woke up
and realized there was nobody there.
535
00:31:05,666 --> 00:31:09,736
I was actually
pleasuring myself. -
536
00:31:09,736 --> 00:31:13,874
And it was a nurse
over the loudspeaker, "Mr. Loulies!"
537
00:31:24,985 --> 00:31:28,856
Now, it's every man's worst
nightmare to get caught "whacking it", right?
538
00:31:28,856 --> 00:31:30,724
Well, just imagine
being mic-ed up...
539
00:31:32,693 --> 00:31:34,494
...underneath
of an infrared camera
540
00:31:36,096 --> 00:31:37,865
with a room of about
six or seven nurses
541
00:31:37,865 --> 00:31:40,534
who have been
minding your vitals all night.
542
00:31:40,534 --> 00:31:42,769
She's like, "Mr. Loulies,
are you sure there's nothing else
543
00:31:42,769 --> 00:31:44,938
"we can do to help
you get to sleep?"
544
00:31:53,714 --> 00:31:55,582
I started to rub
my nipples a little bit.
545
00:31:57,518 --> 00:32:00,087
Yeah, baby. Get your ass in here
and put me to sleep
546
00:32:02,856 --> 00:32:05,726
I recently reached out
to my half brother and sister,
547
00:32:05,726 --> 00:32:08,428
which I have known
about for 16 years, but they weren't aware of this.
548
00:32:08,428 --> 00:32:11,398
My sister lives in Colorado,
and my brother lives in Arizona.
549
00:32:11,398 --> 00:32:15,302
When I called my sister
I didn't really warm it up or anything.
550
00:32:15,302 --> 00:32:18,805
I just got right to the point.
I wasn't like, "Hey, what do you think about
551
00:32:18,805 --> 00:32:22,042
"the Denver Broncos this year?"
Or something.
552
00:32:22,042 --> 00:32:25,412
I just said,
"Hey, I'm your brother." And it kind of shocked her.
553
00:32:25,412 --> 00:32:27,981
And my dumb ass brother
in Arizona, I called him, I dropped this news like,
554
00:32:27,981 --> 00:32:30,284
"Hey, man, I'm actually
your brother, and he was like,
555
00:32:30,284 --> 00:32:31,818
"Oh, sounds like my dad."
556
00:32:35,055 --> 00:32:39,259
"Are you a gamer, man?
You console, PC?" I was like, "All right, cool."
557
00:32:39,259 --> 00:32:41,328
You know what I'm saying?
It's fucked up, too, man.
558
00:32:41,328 --> 00:32:45,098
And my real dad is...
Because the narcissistic piece of shit that I grew up with,
559
00:32:45,098 --> 00:32:47,334
this son of a bitch
was like 500, 600 pounds.
560
00:32:47,334 --> 00:32:48,902
He used to bully me
for being fat.
561
00:32:48,902 --> 00:32:51,104
I'm like, "Man, you're like
one of the Dallas Cowboy fans
562
00:32:51,104 --> 00:32:55,442
defecting to a Washington fan
every time you get your ass kicked by the other team.
563
00:32:55,442 --> 00:32:57,144
Oh, come on!
564
00:33:00,113 --> 00:33:02,282
Fuck all you Dallas Cowboy fans.
565
00:33:06,620 --> 00:33:09,156
And I don't need to hear...
I don't need to hear...
566
00:33:09,156 --> 00:33:10,757
I don't need to hear about
your five Super Bowl's
567
00:33:10,757 --> 00:33:13,427
back when SWV was teaching me
how to eat pussy.
568
00:33:18,165 --> 00:33:19,299
And you want
to know something, too?
569
00:33:19,299 --> 00:33:21,702
There's black.
There's... There's white.
570
00:33:21,702 --> 00:33:24,137
Black and gold ain't for
the Pittsburgh Steelers.
571
00:33:24,137 --> 00:33:25,973
I fucking hate Pittsburgh.
My biological...
572
00:33:25,973 --> 00:33:29,142
My biological father
likes the Pittsburgh Steelers. Fuck him, too.
573
00:33:29,142 --> 00:33:32,946
Fuck... Fuck Picken...
Fuck Pickens. Fuck you, Dad.
574
00:33:35,549 --> 00:33:37,885
And see, what it is is like...
At the end of day,
575
00:33:37,885 --> 00:33:40,320
like, my father...
My real father was a womanizer, right?
576
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:42,155
And the son of a bitch
is a millionaire.
577
00:33:42,155 --> 00:33:44,558
He's a millionaire.
You can afford a child...
578
00:33:44,558 --> 00:33:47,694
You can afford a child,
and you never wanted to claim me?
579
00:33:47,694 --> 00:33:49,630
That's a whole another
level of rejection.
580
00:33:49,630 --> 00:33:52,799
Now, I probably know
how it feels to be a child of a professional athlete.
581
00:33:52,799 --> 00:33:54,835
You know what I'm saying?
It's like... -
582
00:33:58,472 --> 00:34:01,542
Except all this son of a bitch
did was have some political influence
583
00:34:01,542 --> 00:34:03,177
in the Norfolk Naval Shipyard.
584
00:34:04,711 --> 00:34:06,547
Like, what the fuck?
585
00:34:06,547 --> 00:34:08,081
Pasty white, old bastard man.
586
00:34:08,081 --> 00:34:11,218
At least, man, if I was a child
of a professional athlete,
587
00:34:11,218 --> 00:34:13,253
I would have gotten
a better metabolism or some shit.
588
00:34:16,823 --> 00:34:20,861
So, I know you guys
have heard about me talk about my weight tonight. Okay?
589
00:34:20,861 --> 00:34:24,198
I talk about it a lot
because it's my life. I gotta discuss it.
590
00:34:24,198 --> 00:34:26,733
But believe it or not,
I didn't always used to be this way.
591
00:34:26,733 --> 00:34:30,370
See, from eighth grade
to my senior year, I played sports year-round.
592
00:34:30,370 --> 00:34:34,074
I was in fantastic shape.
But after high school, what had happened was...
593
00:34:38,245 --> 00:34:40,247
I'm gonna get vulnerable
with y'all for a second, um...
594
00:34:40,247 --> 00:34:43,016
I met a young lady,
and I fell in love,
595
00:34:43,016 --> 00:34:46,954
and she broke my heart
so bad, I just let myself go.
596
00:34:46,954 --> 00:34:49,056
And you know,
it's been my biggest fear in my adult life
597
00:34:49,056 --> 00:34:52,092
to one day run into her
out in public when she sees what I have become.
598
00:34:52,092 --> 00:34:54,761
No lie. After all these years,
I'm in line at the grocery store,
599
00:34:54,761 --> 00:34:57,798
and there she is
right in front on me. She's looking good, too, y'all.
600
00:34:57,798 --> 00:35:02,603
Long jet black hair,
thick thighs, a fat ass like she's been working out
601
00:35:02,603 --> 00:35:07,074
at Gold's Gym and not that
Planet Fitness bullshit I was talking about earlier.
602
00:35:09,076 --> 00:35:11,745
And she recognized me,
but she wasn't like, "Hey, how have you been?"
603
00:35:11,745 --> 00:35:14,915
She was like, "Ew, hi."
604
00:35:14,915 --> 00:35:18,619
But I took
the high road and said, "Hey, it was good seeing you."
605
00:35:18,619 --> 00:35:20,821
I looked her up and down again
and saw how fantastic she looked.
606
00:35:21,889 --> 00:35:23,957
And then I looked at myself.
607
00:35:23,957 --> 00:35:26,493
All that heartbreak and shame
hit me right here in the chest
608
00:35:26,493 --> 00:35:28,662
like it all just
happened yesterday.
609
00:35:28,662 --> 00:35:32,432
And right as a tear
was about to roll down my face.
610
00:35:32,432 --> 00:35:34,902
Her debit card declines.
611
00:35:39,907 --> 00:35:43,744
I said, "Thank you, Jesus.
You just turned my worst nightmare into a dream."
612
00:35:45,946 --> 00:35:48,682
I said, "Your abs are tight,
but so is your finances, bitch."
613
00:35:51,318 --> 00:35:53,353
I said, "Here's my credit card.
I'll take them fuel points.
614
00:35:53,353 --> 00:35:56,089
"You can't fuck
with the sugar glider, baby." I'm out.
615
00:36:08,802 --> 00:36:10,804
All right, here we go.
616
00:36:10,804 --> 00:36:14,374
All right. So this is the time
right now, ladies and gentlemen,
617
00:36:14,374 --> 00:36:17,845
what we've been waiting for.
Are y'all ready? -
618
00:36:20,981 --> 00:36:23,016
Hey, man. Ladies and gentlemen,
619
00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:26,687
I want you to put
your hands together before he performed at...
620
00:36:26,687 --> 00:36:28,689
Okay, I messed up.
621
00:36:32,626 --> 00:36:35,362
Lord, have mercy.
Let me tighten this mike.
622
00:36:39,233 --> 00:36:40,734
See, I didn't get it
the first time.
623
00:36:42,970 --> 00:36:46,340
My wife know...
Slow down? Take a second?
624
00:36:46,340 --> 00:36:49,409
Okay. Okay. I'll take a second.
I'll take a second. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
625
00:36:49,409 --> 00:36:51,912
My wife know at home,
if you stopped me in the middle of telling a joke,
626
00:36:51,912 --> 00:36:54,815
I would never tell the joke
right ever again. -
627
00:36:54,815 --> 00:36:57,918
All right.
I'm trying to do this. Okay.
628
00:36:57,918 --> 00:37:01,555
Memory, memory, memory.
Jesus is good, right? Amen.
629
00:37:01,555 --> 00:37:04,191
Amen, God is good. Halleluiah.
630
00:37:04,191 --> 00:37:07,060
All right, let's do this.
Are you ready? -
631
00:37:07,060 --> 00:37:10,230
- Is he ready? All right.
-Ready!
632
00:37:10,230 --> 00:37:13,767
Are y'all ready,
ladies and gentlemen? -
633
00:37:13,767 --> 00:37:16,537
This is what
we came here for y'all.
634
00:37:16,537 --> 00:37:18,272
Coming to the stage.
635
00:37:18,272 --> 00:37:21,842
He performed
at the Apollo and... Dang it.
636
00:37:26,213 --> 00:37:28,749
Dude, I did not mean
to jack you up like that, man.
637
00:37:28,749 --> 00:37:31,752
Uh, okay? I mean,
what happened, man?
638
00:37:31,752 --> 00:37:35,889
'Cause, you know, I went
and I did it straight through, then, you know...
639
00:37:35,889 --> 00:37:42,596
All right, so we had
basically two side cams and two center cams, uh...
640
00:37:42,596 --> 00:37:46,967
And before Tim got up,
I was concerned about card space.
641
00:37:46,967 --> 00:37:48,569
We were recording 4K,
and I was like,
642
00:37:48,569 --> 00:37:51,605
all right, let's just...
Let's all, like, load in new cards.
643
00:37:51,605 --> 00:37:53,140
So, we were doing that.
644
00:37:53,140 --> 00:37:54,942
And so when we do that,
we always format. - CATASH: Mmm-hmm.
645
00:37:54,942 --> 00:37:57,878
And you're in...
In between spots, so it felt like a good time.
646
00:37:57,878 --> 00:38:00,781
And so we formatted
the card, and it said, like,
647
00:38:00,781 --> 00:38:04,117
60 megabytes available
or something like that. - Right.
648
00:38:04,117 --> 00:38:07,254
And I'm like, well,
that's not... That's, like, 2 seconds of footage. Not even.
649
00:38:07,254 --> 00:38:10,591
- Oh, dang.
- So, I was like, okay, something's wrong with the card.
650
00:38:10,591 --> 00:38:12,960
Let's just, like, reformat it.
So, I reformat it again.
651
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:16,797
60 megabytes. And I'm like,
what the hell is going on?
652
00:38:16,797 --> 00:38:18,932
I mean, it's just getting
worse and worse.
653
00:38:18,932 --> 00:38:22,102
And so, uh, I was like,
let's put a different card in, so we got a different card.
654
00:38:22,102 --> 00:38:25,939
Put a different card in.
And during all this, like, you're coming up on your time,
655
00:38:25,939 --> 00:38:28,275
so I was like,
"Tell him to stop. Tell him to stop."
656
00:38:28,275 --> 00:38:30,677
And so, that's when you...
657
00:38:30,677 --> 00:38:33,080
You got the intro right
the first time, right?
658
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:35,782
- The first time I got it right.
-Yeah.
659
00:38:35,782 --> 00:38:37,684
I got it right the first time,
660
00:38:37,684 --> 00:38:40,320
and then when they were like,
"Hold up." Oi.
661
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:42,823
-Yeah.
- So, I'm gonna tell you what happened with me.
662
00:38:42,823 --> 00:38:45,626
-Well...
- I... I thought... Oh, you finish what you were saying.
663
00:38:45,626 --> 00:38:48,829
I'll be real.
So, we put the card in. We were on our fourth card...
664
00:38:48,829 --> 00:38:52,499
- Uh-huh.
- And I realized it was saying 60 gigs available.
665
00:38:52,499 --> 00:38:56,770
- Oh, my God
- So, this whole time, I just was reading it wrong.
666
00:38:56,770 --> 00:38:58,438
And I'm like,
"Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
667
00:38:58,438 --> 00:38:59,840
"Guys, tell them to go.
We're good. We're good. We're good."
668
00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:03,944
And see, me, me, me
669
00:39:03,944 --> 00:39:06,680
knowing this motherfucker
as long as I have.
670
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:08,949
- Oh, my God, man.
-You know what I'm saying?
671
00:39:08,949 --> 00:39:11,118
Mister... Mister Steal-the-show.
672
00:39:11,118 --> 00:39:13,787
Oh.
673
00:39:13,787 --> 00:39:16,557
Look, he wasn't dressed
like Prince that night
674
00:39:16,557 --> 00:39:20,360
because he could have
done a whole... He would have done a concert.
675
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:23,330
I'm sitting here thinking
he's just trying to, like,
676
00:39:23,330 --> 00:39:26,700
add in extra shit,
do extra time. -
677
00:39:26,700 --> 00:39:29,736
You know what I'm saying?
Just, like, 'cause the crowd was so red hot.
678
00:39:29,736 --> 00:39:31,205
- Oh, they were hot.
-Red hot.
679
00:39:31,205 --> 00:39:33,540
So, I thought... I was like...
You know, I was like,
680
00:39:33,540 --> 00:39:35,409
"Don't tell me
you're doing this now, Catash.
681
00:39:35,409 --> 00:39:37,144
"Don't tell me
you're doing this now."
682
00:39:37,144 --> 00:39:40,347
What happened was,
after that happened, you know,
683
00:39:40,347 --> 00:39:44,718
like once you go
through something, then the energy, you know,
684
00:39:44,718 --> 00:39:46,653
dissipates from my body.
685
00:39:46,653 --> 00:39:49,389
And then all of a sudden,
you were like, you know... You know, do it again.
686
00:39:49,389 --> 00:39:53,193
I thought I did some shit wrong,
so I was, "Oh, Tim's gonna be mad as hell."
687
00:39:53,193 --> 00:39:55,896
So, I got nervous.
Like... Like don't tell me, man.
688
00:39:55,896 --> 00:40:00,701
I tried again... I...
I know what I did wrong, so I did it again,
689
00:40:00,701 --> 00:40:04,605
and then that's when I start
having brain farts. So, you know what I'm saying?
690
00:40:04,605 --> 00:40:09,776
And in full transparency,
from what you saw on the video,
691
00:40:09,776 --> 00:40:12,112
I totally understand.
I'm very reactionary.
692
00:40:12,112 --> 00:40:14,047
There was a lot of pressure
on me that night.
693
00:40:14,047 --> 00:40:18,051
I not only was thinking about...
You know, but before I even got on stage...
694
00:40:18,051 --> 00:40:20,087
I don't even know...
I wasn't even really...
695
00:40:20,087 --> 00:40:22,956
I was so focused
on the entire night going good
696
00:40:22,956 --> 00:40:25,292
for all the openers,
for all the other stuff,
697
00:40:25,292 --> 00:40:28,795
for the people getting in there,
for all the set and everything. So, I was so focused on that.
698
00:40:28,795 --> 00:40:32,099
And when it was my turn
to hit the stage, I was just going ape shit.
699
00:40:32,099 --> 00:40:34,735
- You know what I'm saying?
- Tim's just saying he was mean, too.
700
00:40:34,735 --> 00:40:36,870
Yeah, yeah. Well...
701
00:40:36,870 --> 00:40:39,206
- You're the Big44.
-Yeah. Yeah. So, you know...
702
00:40:39,206 --> 00:40:41,975
So, like I said,
man, I've got...
703
00:40:41,975 --> 00:40:44,978
I'm glad I had two bottles
of water down there with me
704
00:40:44,978 --> 00:40:46,880
because one of them
did get destroyed.
705
00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:52,386
Water all over the staircase
because I was going absolutely fucking nuts.
706
00:40:52,386 --> 00:40:54,988
I was like,
"Get me on that stage." The crowd was hot.
707
00:40:54,988 --> 00:40:57,658
You know what I'm saying?
And it just... I was just...
708
00:40:57,658 --> 00:40:59,793
I didn't know
what was going on. - We have the audio.
709
00:40:59,793 --> 00:41:02,763
- Yeah, you had to mic him up.
-'Cause he was wearing a lapel.
710
00:41:02,763 --> 00:41:04,231
- Hold on.
-Want to hear it?
711
00:41:04,231 --> 00:41:06,466
Yeah,
I want to hear it. - Hang on. Hang on.
712
00:41:10,237 --> 00:41:13,240
So, this is the time right now,
ladies and gentlemen.
713
00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:15,275
What we've been waiting for.
714
00:41:15,275 --> 00:41:16,910
Are y'all ready?
715
00:41:25,752 --> 00:41:27,087
Okay, I messed up.
716
00:42:14,134 --> 00:42:17,404
Are y'all ready,
ladies and gentlemen? -
717
00:42:17,404 --> 00:42:20,874
This is what we came here for y'all.
718
00:42:20,874 --> 00:42:26,013
Coming to the stage.
He performed at that Apollo and... Dang it.
719
00:42:42,596 --> 00:42:46,600
And five WWE Hall of Famers.
720
00:42:52,439 --> 00:42:54,775
...we've been waiting for,
ladies and gentlemen. Y'all ready?
721
00:42:59,012 --> 00:43:03,217
He performed
at the Apollo theater in Harlem, ladies and gentlemen.
722
00:43:04,685 --> 00:43:08,789
He performed with
four SNL s... Cast members.
723
00:43:29,276 --> 00:43:31,578
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
are y'all ready?
724
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,649
This is what we're waiting for.
725
00:43:37,618 --> 00:43:40,220
He performed
at the Apollo in Harlem.
726
00:43:42,389 --> 00:43:45,092
He performed with
four SNL cast members.
727
00:43:46,593 --> 00:43:50,631
And five WWE Hall of Famers.
Did I say that right?
728
00:44:17,658 --> 00:44:19,426
...four SNL cast members.
729
00:44:21,028 --> 00:44:23,497
And five WWE Hall of Famers.
730
00:44:27,134 --> 00:44:28,869
Tim Loulies!
731
00:44:42,616 --> 00:44:44,551
Kirk Franklin,
huh? Really?
732
00:44:44,551 --> 00:44:47,788
You wildin' man.
I feel bad for that bottle, man.
733
00:44:49,790 --> 00:44:52,626
All right. Well, we got
a good story from it.
734
00:44:52,626 --> 00:44:55,662
And I mean,
it ended up being awesome. - CATASH: Yeah.
735
00:44:55,662 --> 00:44:59,800
And crowd was ready, dude.
Like you got 'em there. Five tops.
736
00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:02,135
- Exactly.
-At least.
737
00:45:02,135 --> 00:45:07,241
Hey, man, all bullshit aside,
though, man, I'm gonna tell you regardless of how angry I was...
738
00:45:07,241 --> 00:45:13,547
Regardless of how, uh,
I was a little volcano erupting in that staircase, man...
739
00:45:13,547 --> 00:45:17,584
Man, I couldn't have had
a better person in that position than Catash,
740
00:45:17,584 --> 00:45:21,822
regardless of
the mistakes or whatever, to keep that crowd so nuclear
741
00:45:21,822 --> 00:45:24,224
and to keep
them up after that...
742
00:45:24,224 --> 00:45:27,828
Still, by the time
I hit that stage, they were still boiling over.
743
00:45:27,828 --> 00:45:30,898
You know what I mean?
So, I mean, you know, props to you, man.
744
00:45:30,898 --> 00:45:32,833
I... I didn't know
what was going on, man.
745
00:45:32,833 --> 00:45:34,868
The Kirk Franklin got me.
746
00:45:37,104 --> 00:45:39,907
Like, for those watching,
he has...
747
00:45:39,907 --> 00:45:41,708
The reason
I put him in this position
748
00:45:41,708 --> 00:45:46,280
is because he has a background
in not only comedy, but, um, rapping,
749
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:49,550
gospel, acting, all that stuff.
750
00:45:49,550 --> 00:45:53,420
So, in that
particular situation, where we had those miscues,
751
00:45:53,420 --> 00:45:55,622
uh, you know, to work
on the fly and to keep...
752
00:45:55,622 --> 00:45:58,025
The biggest thing,
regardless of how many mistakes were made,
753
00:45:58,025 --> 00:45:59,760
- is to keep the audience up.
- Yeah.
754
00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:01,895
Nobody could have
done it better than Catash.
755
00:46:01,895 --> 00:46:03,564
Dude,
they was right there.
756
00:46:03,564 --> 00:46:05,766
I wanted to go out after you.
You know what I'm saying?
757
00:46:05,766 --> 00:46:10,137
I wanted go out and introduce
my damn self, man. It was so good, man.
758
00:46:10,137 --> 00:46:12,406
That's why I was like,
it's a whole other set. - You killed it.
759
00:46:25,619 --> 00:46:27,221
♪ When the game on the line ♪
760
00:46:27,221 --> 00:46:28,956
♪ You can't fold
and you can't bend ♪
761
00:46:28,956 --> 00:46:31,692
♪ Y'all be playing it safe
and I be going for the win ♪
762
00:46:31,692 --> 00:46:34,528
♪ Remember back when
they was doubting on the kid ♪
763
00:46:34,528 --> 00:46:37,397
♪ Now they tuned in
'Cause my game too legit ♪
764
00:46:37,397 --> 00:46:40,234
♪ Stayed down remained humble
and I made it work ♪
765
00:46:40,234 --> 00:46:43,003
♪ Crazy how I came out
so clean from the dirt ♪
766
00:46:43,003 --> 00:46:45,906
♪ We was using candles
on the nights the lights ain't work ♪
767
00:46:45,906 --> 00:46:48,675
♪ We aint never going back
to that and that I merch ♪
768
00:46:48,675 --> 00:46:51,512
♪ Turn your back on me
the worst mistake you'll ever make ♪
769
00:46:51,512 --> 00:46:54,348
♪ Keep my grass cut
Gotta watch out for the snakes ♪
770
00:46:54,348 --> 00:46:57,084
♪ If it's on my plate
best believe it's getting ate ♪
771
00:46:57,084 --> 00:46:59,887
♪ I'm balling like I'm Kobe 33
before the 8 ♪
772
00:46:59,887 --> 00:47:02,756
♪ I just want the rings
and the medals and trophies ♪
773
00:47:02,756 --> 00:47:05,526
♪ I want the Kardashians
and Jenners to all know me ♪
774
00:47:05,526 --> 00:47:08,395
♪ I want to take a Uber
to the Hills to visit Khloe ♪
775
00:47:08,395 --> 00:47:11,098
♪ I want floor seats
'Cause I'm tired of the nose bleeds ♪
776
00:47:11,098 --> 00:47:12,432
♪ When the game on the line ♪
777
00:47:12,432 --> 00:47:14,168
♪ You can't fold
and you can't bend ♪
778
00:47:14,168 --> 00:47:16,737
♪ Y'all be playing it safe
and I be going for the win ♪
779
00:47:16,737 --> 00:47:19,673
♪ Remember back when
they was doubting on the kid ♪
780
00:47:19,673 --> 00:47:22,509
♪ Now they tuned in
'Cause my game too legit ♪
781
00:47:22,509 --> 00:47:24,444
♪ I feel like
I'm Scottie Pippen ♪
782
00:47:24,444 --> 00:47:26,914
♪ Putting in all the work
but they don't give me no recognition ♪
783
00:47:26,914 --> 00:47:29,616
♪ Basically the league's MVP
But the P is missing ♪
784
00:47:29,616 --> 00:47:32,719
♪ I'm the most valuable
but sometimes they tend to forget it ♪
785
00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:34,188
♪ I live my life on the edge ♪
786
00:47:34,188 --> 00:47:35,622
♪ But my back
against the wall ♪
787
00:47:35,622 --> 00:47:37,057
♪ I make sure my shoes laced ♪
788
00:47:37,057 --> 00:47:38,725
♪ 'Cause who gon' catch me
If I fall... ♪