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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[country music playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[crowd cheering]

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[emcee] Would you please help me welcome
to the stage the one, the only,

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- Ottawa's own, Tom Green!
- [cheering]

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[country music continues]

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[cheering intensifies]

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[whistling]

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[cheering quiets down]

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This is what I look like now.

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It's been a few years
since the Slutmobile.

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- What's up, Ottawa? How you doing?
- [cheers]

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Good to see you. This is Charlie.
Give it up for Charlie, everybody.

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[cheers]

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I'm performing with my dog.

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Yeah, things are going real good.

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We're on a tour. We're on a world tour.
We just did Petawawa.

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We're playing in Hamilton,
Flint, Michigan.

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Lansing, hitting all the hot spots.

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It's the <i>No Stone Left Unturned</i> tour.

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I'm shooting my comedy special tonight.

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- [cheering]
- Yeah.

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For Amazon Prime, yeah.

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I'm trying to come up with a name for it.
I'm thinking <i>Tickets Still Available.</i>

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I think that might... might be good.

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I live a little outside of town here.

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So I drove into town today,
and I'm staying in an Airbnb tonight

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because that's what I do
when I'm on the road.

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I like to stay in an Airbnb when I tour.

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I don't like staying
in these fancy hotels.

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I like Airbnbs
'cause it's a real person's house,

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and their stuff is in there,

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and I go through their stuff.

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I'm wearing the guy's pants.

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I'm on his medication.

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I don't even have gout. Right? See...

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[forced laugh] Right?

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Don't even have gout, huh?
Except really...

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Look at Charlie. Isn't Charlie good?

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- [cheers]
- Oh, my God.

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You're a good girl, Charlie.
You're a good girl.

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This guy is calling the Humane Society.

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- What's your name, sir? How you doing?
- Fred.

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Fred? Nice to meet you, Fred.
What do you do, Fred?

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[Fred] You too. Not much.

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Not much? Okay, honest.
"Honest Fred," we'll call you.

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Well, is there anyone I can talk to
that does something?

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Only making it harder for me to do
crowd work, Fred.

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Come on, this is my big night.
Give me something. Work with me here.

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Ah, fuck it.
I'm not gonna do crowd work. [chuckles]

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- How about you? What's your name?
- Blake.

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- Blake. What do you do, Blake?
- Pharmaceutical...

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Pharmaceutical, drug dealer.
There we go. Good to see you.

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See, you could have just told the truth.

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You look more
like a drug dealer than this guy.

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Like, clearly, look at you.

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[laughs] No, you're nice person.
I'm just... That was uncalled for.

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Yeah, I've been on the road with Charlie.

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Charlie, I got Charlie at the beginning
of the worldwide global pandemic.

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Remember that?

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I was living in Los Angeles when
the worldwide global pandemic happened,

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and I took it seriously.
I took it real seriously.

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Not everybody did.

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I didn't realize when
the worldwide global pandemic started,

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that people would not take it seriously
because it sounded serious.

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Like it's a pandemic,
it's worldwide, it's global.

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So I did all the things
they told us to do.

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You know, I wore the mask,
I wore the rubber gloves,

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I ordered my groceries on Instacart.

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They'd show up, I'd spray them
on the front lawn with Clorox bleach.

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I would stream that on my Instagram,
so my fans and followers would be safe.

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And then I would go read the comments,
and they'd say things to me like,

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"You stupid Hollywood piece of garbage,
go back to Canada, fuck you."

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So I did.

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[laughing, cheering]

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I went back up.

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Back to Canada.
Came back to Canada, right?

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I rescued Charlie.
She's a rescue from the Bahamas.

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She came to California, and then we moved
back to-to the area here in the winter.

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And I saw her looking around
at the snow-covered fields,

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thinking I'd rather be on the beach
eating trash.

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So I'm a farmer now, you see.
I'm a farmer.

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- I got a farm.
- [cheers]

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[in Canadian accent]
Oh, yeah, bud.

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Oh, yeah, bud,
we're getting 'er done out there, eh, bud?

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Oh, yeah.
Good to be back in the Ottawa Valley, eh?

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Oh, yeah, bud.

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[normal]
I'm farming radishes.

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Yeah, I wanted to start out
with something easy, so I...

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I was down at the gardening center
the other day.

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I said, "Do you got
any of that nutrient rich soil?"

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They said, "What are you growing?"
And I said, "I'm growing radishes."

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They said, "You're growing weed."
I said, "Yeah, I'm growing weed."

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Can't... Can't get away with...

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Can't get away with anything around here.

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I got six chickens. Loretta, Patsy,
Shania, Dolly, June, and Anne.

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And I love them.

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Love them so much,
I guess I should say "loved" them.

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Five of them are dead now.

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The coyotes got five of them.
So, yeah, I'm not a good farmer.

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And I cried.

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I cried when the coyotes got 'em,
real tears, because I really do...

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Did...

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Did love these chickens, you know?

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Good girl, Charlie.

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- [crowd] Aw...
- Such a good girl.

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Settling in? Yes. There you go.

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Let's put that nice for the camera.
Look at that. There you go.

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Very nice. Good job.
Give her a hand. Give Charlie a hand.

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[applause]

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Give Charlie a hand.
You're a good girl.

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You're a good girl, Charlie.
Look at you. You're a good girl.

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It's amazing what Benadryl
will do for a...

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performance.

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No! We've been doing this.

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We're on the road, we're traveling.
We're on the road, we do this.

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We've been practicing. Okay?

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I'm doing fine. Everything's fine, okay?

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Got a mule now.

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- [cheers]
- I'm doing good.

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I've got a mule named Fanny.

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And if you follow me on social media,
you see me trying to ride her.

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Trying, it's not easy.
They're smart, mules.

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Mules are smart, so she's figured out
that I don't know what I'm doing,

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and she takes advantage of it,
she'll only turn left.

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So we just go out for a little spin
to the right till we get dizzy.

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And then we quit, but it's fun.
I love her, she's great.

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A mule is half-horse, half-donkey,
by the way, I don't know if you know that.

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Half-horse, half-donkey.

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Like, human beings have to take a horse
and a donkey and breed them.

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Two completely different species,
and then they make a mule.

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It's like a weird, perverted Frankenpet,
and I wanted one of those.

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And I love it out there,
and Charlie loves it.

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And we run through the fields,
and it's good to be back in Canada, eh?

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Oh, yeah, and my chickens are dead.

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And everything's fine. I'm doing fine.

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And I cried. I cried real tears.

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And then my neighbors, who are good
friends of mine, they're real farmers.

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You know, they came over,
and they saw the feathers everywhere.

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And I asked them,
I said, "Do farmers cry?"

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They said, "Not over their dead chickens."

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So my neighbors think I'm a pussy,
and things are going good.

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I'm doing fine.

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That's what I'm doing now
in this next chapter of my life,

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the final chapter.

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Come home to Canada to die.

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Like a salmon swimming upstream,
to die and...

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spawn and die in a puddle of my own jizz.

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That's all... That's what I want, right?

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That's what I'm going to do.

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Oh, good to be at the NAC.
Okay, let's go.

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Can't believe
I'm at the National Arts Center, man.

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If you had told me
when I was humping that dead moose,

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- that someday...
- [cheers and applause]

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...someday, I would be performing here,
I wouldn't have believed it.

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I wouldn't have believed it.

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And last week I was in Hobart, Indiana.

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And if you had told me
when I was hosting <i>Saturday Night Live</i>,

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that in 20 years, I'd be performing
at a rock club in Hobart, Indiana,

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I wouldn't have believe that either,
to be honest with you.

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[chuckles]

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No, this is a real honor to be here.
This is amazing.

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- [cheers]
- This is incredibly cool,

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- and thank you for coming to the show.
- [applause]

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Yeah.

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It's a fucking weird shirt
you got on there, dude.

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I don't know. [stammers]

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I don't wanna mention what the hell it is,
but it's fucking weird.

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Are you doing that
to fuck with me or something like that?

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God, the guy's got a nun with laser beams
coming out of its eyes.

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Just stand up and show everybody the shirt
that you chose to wear to the NAC.

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- [cheering]
- That's what you chose to wear,

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to the National Arts Center,
for my comedy special taping.

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Fitting, actually. Absolutely.

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You look like a fan of <i>The Tom Green Show</i>.

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You like a good moose hump
now and then, huh?

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You're a moose humper kind of guy. Yeah.

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And if you had told me
when I was humping that dead moose,

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that someday, I'd be playing here
with a guy with a nun on his shirt

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with laser beams coming out of its eyes,

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I would have believed that actually.

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That would have made more sense to me.
[laughs]

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It's weird, 'cause when I humped
that dead moose... [clears throat]

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00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:08,275
Like, I'm not here to explain myself
or anything, but...

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00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,240
Like, you know,
when you're performing a show,

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when you're making a show
on the community channel, right,

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and you don't have a big budget
for props, etc...

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00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,413
[chuckles]

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00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:25,291
and then you borrowed some kid's van
that you met on the internet...

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But anyways, that sounds weird,
but anyways,

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and you're driving from Winnipeg
to Thunder Bay,

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and you haven't seen a soul in days,

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and you're out there supposed
to be filming people on the street,

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and you know, you've got limited time,
limited budget,

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and then 6:00 in the morning,
you look out the window,

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and there's a dead moose
at the side of the road.

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I mean, you'd get out, and you hump it.
That's what you do.

199
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,187
That's what you do, you hump the moose,

200
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,689
and you put it
on the public access station.

201
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:51,067
And then, see,
because this was before the internet,

202
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,985
you see,
it was different before the internet.

203
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,696
This is what you had to do.

204
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:59,033
Look, first of all,
people weren't supposed to see that

205
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:00,577
for the rest of my life.

206
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:07,124
It was supposed to air once at midnight,
on Ottawa public access TV.

207
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:08,334
That was it.

208
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,211
- Huh? Hmm?
- [applause]

209
00:11:10,212 --> 00:11:11,921
That's how it works.

210
00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:15,216
You... you hump the moose. You film it.

211
00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:18,428
You put it on the public access station,
like ten people see it.

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00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,554
But then they go tell everybody,
"You see, that's the guy

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00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:23,557
on the public access station,
he's humping moose and shit,"

214
00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:26,852
and then they tune in the next week,
and you're not humping a moose.

215
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,855
You're doing something more sensible,
like a spreading shit on a microphone

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00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:33,067
and sticking it... poo in a microphone,
stick it in people's faces,

217
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:35,820
or painting pornography on the hood
of your parent's car,

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00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:37,655
or something sensible like that.

219
00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:40,032
- Something nice, right?
- [cheering]

220
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:43,494
So anyways,
then the show gets picked up by MTV.

221
00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:45,329
I make this song called
"The Bum Bum Song."

222
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:48,958
It goes to number one.
Number one song in America, okay?

223
00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,919
Knocked Britney Spears off
<i>Total Request Live</i> on MTV.

224
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,506
She was like, "What the fuck?" You know?

225
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:58,092
Then Eminem does a parody
of "The Bum Bum Song," okay?

226
00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:00,719
My "Bum Bum Song."

227
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,056
I still claim ownership over it
like I'm proud of it still.

228
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,809
[mockingly] My "Bum Bum Song."

229
00:12:06,977 --> 00:12:09,395
<i>♪ My bum is on the cheese
Bum is on the cheese ♪</i>

230
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,981
<i>♪ If I get lucky, I'll get a disease ♪</i>
[fake laughs]

231
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:13,941
Yeah, two weeks later,
I got testicular cancer.

232
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:14,942
Okay, that's called karma.

233
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,694
That's what that is.

234
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,612
Yeah, that's... Okay. I got lucky.

235
00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:20,991
Okay, hmm... [laughs]

236
00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:24,493
Anyways, the song went number one.
That's all I'm saying.

237
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,370
Anyways, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I survived cancer.

238
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:29,206
- I'm a cancer survivor too.
- [cheering]

239
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:30,291
Yeah, yeah.

240
00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:32,751
[applause]

241
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,005
I can still ejaculate, just a little.

242
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,091
No, no, it's pretty good.

243
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,261
[laughs]

244
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,016
Yeah, the song goes number one.
"The Bum Bum Song."

245
00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:51,937
I wrote it in 12 seconds on a napkin,
and then it goes to number one on MTV.

246
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:56,192
I got the number one song in America.
Then Eminem does a parody...

247
00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:58,319
Not a parody, it's like his next single,

248
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:02,323
Eminem, the GOAT,
the biggest rapper in the history of rap,

249
00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:04,408
puts out "Slim Shady."

250
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:08,412
[vocalizes "The Real Slim Shady"]

251
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,164
[rapping]
<i>♪ I just wanna go on TV and let loose ♪</i>

252
00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:12,541
<i>♪ But can't, but it's cool
for Tom Green to hump a dead moose? ♪</i>

253
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,460
<i>♪ My bum is on your lips
My bum is on your lips ♪</i>

254
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,045
- Right? Yeah.
- [cheers]

255
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:20,800
That's like... it's cool for Tom Green
to hump a dead moose.

256
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,887
Nobody was never supposed
to see that again.

257
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:28,557
Now, the biggest rapper...
That's going to follow a guy, okay?

258
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,227
Be like if The Beatles sang
about it or something.

259
00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:34,647
<i>♪ Hey, Jude, just want to let loose ♪</i>

260
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:38,150
<i>♪ Go on TV and hump a dead moose ♪</i>

261
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,237
[in Beatles accent]
Like Tom Green.

262
00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:42,030
[normal] It's not good.

263
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,490
It's not good.

264
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,367
Know what I like
about being in the country?

265
00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:49,037
Not just <i>this</i> country, but <i>the</i> country.
[laughs]

266
00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,830
Like, I just...
Hollywood's a weird place.

267
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,499
That's all I'm saying.
It's like being around...

268
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,209
I like being around real people.

269
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:57,420
- You know? Yeah, yeah.
- [cheers]

270
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:00,506
Real humor, too.

271
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:04,635
[sarcastically] Not this woke humor
that they got in Los Angeles, you know?

272
00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:07,972
Everything's all woke down there
in Hollywood, right?

273
00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:09,890
Can't say anything anymore, right?

274
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:12,518
I don't mind being woke.
I'm proud to be woke, though.

275
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,478
That's the thing. We're Canadian.
We've always been woke.

276
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,231
We had the first Trans Highway.

277
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:19,901
So... Right?

278
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,236
I remember that came along
when I was a kid.

279
00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:24,613
That's awesome, man.
Nobody's doing this.

280
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:28,201
Trans-Canada Highway. Unbelievable.

281
00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:35,333
Yeah, I'm 53 years old.
I'm a farmer now.

282
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:41,005
I don't have any kids. Always thought
I would have kids by the time I was 53.

283
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:43,507
I'd like to have kids.
I still might have kids.

284
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:46,594
I think I'm going to wait
till I'm 60 to have kids, just so...

285
00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:48,138
just so I'll know them when they're nice.

286
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,391
They'll go to college,
ask for money for college, and I'll die.

287
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,560
Perfect timing.

288
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,398
I'd like to have kids.

289
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,235
[chuckles]

290
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,449
I don't want to die alone.
You know?

291
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,659
[crowd] Aw...

292
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,163
No, at least if I have kids,
you know, soon,

293
00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:16,415
at least then, when I'm old and dying,

294
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,168
my teenage kids will be there,
gathered around my hospital bed,

295
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,296
staring at their phones,
I want that for me.

296
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,091
Inconvenienced.

297
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,470
I wanna have some good last words,

298
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:32,849
some famous last words
for my teenage kids, you know.

299
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,391
You always hear about that, you know.

300
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:37,312
People, when they're on their death bed,
they say something incredible.

301
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,106
So, it's a hard thing to time, though.

302
00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:43,734
Because you don't really know
what it feels like to die.

303
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,277
Right? You only die once.

304
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,571
And you got to time it perfectly,
and you don't know what it feels like.

305
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:49,782
You're in the hospital bed.
You got tubing running in and out of you.

306
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,784
Your kids are there
on their Metaverse goggles.

307
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,203
There's lots going on.

308
00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:54,787
You feel a little tingle.

309
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,747
You've got that thing
you've been practicing in your head.

310
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,040
You go, "This might be it here."

311
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,209
You knock the Metaverse goggles
off your teenage kids,

312
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:02,170
and they're looking at you, like...

313
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:08,510
May the sun always shine in your face,
so the shadows will be cast behind ye.

314
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,687
And then you don't die.
You know, you're like...

315
00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:23,148
How many people have kids?
You have kids?

316
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,651
That's the hard part
about having kids, right?

317
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,486
Because you gotta, like,
you gotta encourage them.

318
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,823
And it's a scary world, and you got to say
you can do anything you want,

319
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:33,492
and then your kid thinks
that they can do anything they want.

320
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,661
And you got to watch them for ten years,
walking around,

321
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:38,914
thinking they're going to be an astronaut,
and they're not going to be an astronaut.

322
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,666
But they think they're going
to be an astronaut.

323
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,084
Then you've gotta take them
aside eventually, and say,

324
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,794
"Billy, you're not going
to be an astronaut."

325
00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:45,921
And they say, "You said
that I could do anything I want!"

326
00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:50,300
And I said, "Yeah, but you got to want
to be a manager at RadioShack, okay?"

327
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,635
Let's look at this report card here.

328
00:16:51,636 --> 00:16:54,889
There's 12 astronauts.
You're not in the top 12.

329
00:16:56,850 --> 00:17:00,310
Gotta be humble
with your dreams and aspirations.

330
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,229
The guy that started RadioShack,
he was humble.

331
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,982
He could have called it Radio Castle.

332
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:07,943
That would have made more sense.
Right?

333
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:10,779
Wanna buy electronics in a shack, huh?

334
00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,783
You want to buy electronics
in a shack, huh? No.

335
00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:16,535
I'm looking right in your fucking eyes.
Give me something that, man. No.

336
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,539
Yeah, looking right at you, man.
Looking right at you.

337
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,709
No. Yeah. You don't want to buy
electronics in a shack.

338
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:26,170
Yeah, that's what I was saying, that's all
I wanted. Just a little acknowledgment.

339
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:28,506
You know, I'm a human being,
you're not watching television.

340
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,801
- [chuckles]
- [cheers]

341
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,887
No, we're having fun.
We're having fun, I don't...

342
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,848
I don't wanna comment. I don't wanna...

343
00:17:37,682 --> 00:17:39,433
I want you to have a nice time, too.
I'm sorry.

344
00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:41,643
When I say "chicken," you say "sandwich."

345
00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,020
- Chicken!
- [crowd] Sandwich!

346
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:45,147
Okay, that resets it. I do that...

347
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:48,109
No, I've been doing standup a while.
That resets things. It's good.

348
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:52,446
The chicken sandwich reset, I call it.
[chuckles]

349
00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:56,367
Charlie! You're doing good. Okay.
Charlie's doing good.

350
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:02,457
I think my mom wants me to have a kid.
I think she's done bringing it up, though.

351
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:05,667
Now, she brings it up in weird,
subtle ways.

352
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,712
Every time she comes over the house,
and Charlie runs up to her,

353
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:11,048
she'll look at me,
she'll look at Charlie, and she'll say,

354
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,926
"Come to Grandma."

355
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,431
Other day, I'm at the house,
and my mom's there,

356
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,558
and she's spitting in an envelope.
I say, "What are you doing?"

357
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:24,395
"Oh, I'm sending
our DNA into ancestry.com."

358
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:29,107
I go, "Why?" "Oh, it'll give us
our... our family tree," she says.

359
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,734
I go, "Okay. I don't like that."

360
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,027
She says, "Oh, no, it's cool."

361
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,238
"I mean, you're going to find out
who your great grandparents were,

362
00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:36,615
what they did,
what your grandparents did, what we did."

363
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,284
"And then it will stop right at you."

364
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:47,167
I say, "I know what you're doing, Mom,
and I don't appreciate it."

365
00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:50,754
Plus, it's an invasion of my privacy.
That's my DNA.

366
00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,381
I don't want it up in a public database,

367
00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:53,423
She says, "What do you care?"

368
00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:56,760
I say, "I murdered someone in high school
and got away with it."

369
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:58,220
Mom rips up the envelope.

370
00:18:58,221 --> 00:19:01,140
"Okay, I want to send it in then."
Mom's got my back.

371
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,560
Thanks, Mom.

372
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:07,437
But I just think, you know,
we're living in this world

373
00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:11,316
where everybody's talking about how
our privacy is being stolen from us

374
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,985
in these phones,
it's not being stolen from us.

375
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,695
We're giving it away.

376
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,947
Just voluntarily sending our DNA

377
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:21,285
into a public company
to store on the internet.

378
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:23,745
We're not thinking
about the implications of that.

379
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:26,874
That's an invasion of your privacy.
But people just do it. They just do it.

380
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:30,043
They just send it away,
and it is an invasion of your privacy.

381
00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:33,547
And you don't even have to send
your DNA in yourself.

382
00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:37,843
Could be a distant relative of yours,
someone maybe you've never even met.

383
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:41,305
They send their DNA in,
their DNA is connected to your DNA.

384
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:43,558
Let's say someday
you do have to murder somebody,

385
00:19:44,142 --> 00:19:46,059
and you get away with it.

386
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,103
And now, you got to spend
the rest of your life wearing hairnets

387
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:51,983
and rubber gloves just 'cause Aunt Maggie
needed to know she was 3% Pechanga.

388
00:19:53,151 --> 00:19:54,986
[laughs]

389
00:19:57,864 --> 00:20:02,075
And it's great to be able
to spend time with my parents

390
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:05,037
and my brother
and my friends and family here.

391
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,831
- [applause]
- I, um...

392
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:09,125
You know...

393
00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:12,669
I wanted to come home,

394
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:15,840
come home to Canada and spend some time
with them before I die.

395
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,093
[chuckles]

396
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,889
No, no.
I want to outlive my parents.

397
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,311
Not for me, for them.

398
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,065
I mean, you know...

399
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:37,277
They say there's nothing worse
than losing a child...

400
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:39,113
unless the child's rich.

401
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:43,701
That kind of takes the sting out of it.

402
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:54,336
Although if they lost me,
they wouldn't be losing a child.

403
00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,005
They'd be losing some old guy.

404
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,340
So maybe it's no big deal.

405
00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,842
But I still got a bit of that
<i>Freddy Got Fingered</i> money kicking around.

406
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:03,137
Oh, yeah, I got a little bit.

407
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:07,016
So if I were to kick it first,
it might not be that bad for 'em.

408
00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:09,394
I'd like to see that for them.

409
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:14,273
I'd like to see my parents
living it up in Vegas,

410
00:21:15,692 --> 00:21:18,695
throwing around
that <i>Freddy Got Fingered</i> cash.

411
00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:22,031
Probably get a nice room at Circus Circus.

412
00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:27,160
"Hey, Mary Jane,
I'm going to order some room service.

413
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:31,541
I think I'm going to get us a jumbo
shrimp cocktail and a couple of whores."

414
00:21:33,376 --> 00:21:34,752
I want that for them.

415
00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:38,965
Richard and Mary Jane Green,
ladies and gentlemen.

416
00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:44,761
Give it up for Richard
and Mary Jane Green.

417
00:21:44,762 --> 00:21:47,347
Look at them. Come on. Come on.
Look right there, folks.

418
00:21:47,348 --> 00:21:50,308
- [applause and cheers]
- Look at them, there they are.

419
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,686
The Slutmobile.

420
00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:55,773
You know them from the Slutmobile.

421
00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,068
You know them from the painted house.

422
00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:04,573
You know them from being woken up
at 4:00 in the morning

423
00:22:04,574 --> 00:22:08,703
on Rogers Community 22, Cable 22.

424
00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:13,498
Thank you, Mom and Dad.
I love you guys. Thank you. Thank you.

425
00:22:13,499 --> 00:22:15,585
- [applause]
- Yeah.

426
00:22:19,922 --> 00:22:22,675
Oh. Yeah, they still talk to me.

427
00:22:24,469 --> 00:22:26,428
Remember when you were a kid,
you could tell who the other kids were,

428
00:22:26,429 --> 00:22:28,306
who were the children of alcoholics.

429
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:32,601
Based on the ones
who carried their marbles to school

430
00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:34,437
in that purple velvet whiskey bag.

431
00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:46,448
Who was the guy
that invented the short bus?

432
00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:48,825
What kind of a sick, twisted mind?

433
00:22:48,826 --> 00:22:51,954
"Hey, kids, you're different.
We're gonna make your bus different too."

434
00:22:56,084 --> 00:22:57,794
No...

435
00:23:02,715 --> 00:23:05,635
Struck close to home, that one.
Did it?

436
00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:11,640
No, I can't believe
I'm 53 years old, man.

437
00:23:11,641 --> 00:23:13,809
I can't believe it, I turned 53 July 30th.

438
00:23:13,810 --> 00:23:15,727
I cannot believe it.
Charlie, can you believe it?

439
00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,063
I'm 53. There's my dog, Charlie.

440
00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:19,981
And we're traveling the world
doing stand-up,

441
00:23:19,982 --> 00:23:23,652
and we're having a good time traveling
around the world, doing stand-up.

442
00:23:23,653 --> 00:23:25,904
I did a show in Afghanistan
for crying out loud.

443
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,741
Yeah, did a show
for the Taliban over there.

444
00:23:29,617 --> 00:23:32,036
Yeah. Yep. No, it was for the troops.
Come on.

445
00:23:33,121 --> 00:23:36,415
Taliban don't bring in comedy acts.
No sense of humor, those guys.

446
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:41,211
Went to Australia, did stand up.
They got a weird sense of humor there.

447
00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:44,422
Every time I go to Australia,
some Australian zookeeper walks up to me,

448
00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:46,925
hands me a koala,
I'm holding the koala, he says,

449
00:23:46,926 --> 00:23:50,096
"You know, mate, the koala is
the number one carrier of chlamydia."

450
00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:55,976
I like the zoo.
Do you like the zoo?

451
00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:59,272
Do you like the...?
I like going to the zoo. I like the zoo.

452
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:04,110
I like zoos,
like going to the animal prison.

453
00:24:04,819 --> 00:24:07,154
Every city I'm in, every chance I get,
I go to the zoo

454
00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:09,657
to see the animals that I love locked up.

455
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,243
Maybe we'd think differently
about the ethics of zoos,

456
00:24:13,244 --> 00:24:15,746
if we opened up
the human prisons for tourism.

457
00:24:16,831 --> 00:24:19,291
Charge $45 admission,
you walk across the catwalk,

458
00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:20,667
put some coins in the machine,

459
00:24:20,668 --> 00:24:23,796
toss a handful of cigarettes
out into the yard.

460
00:24:24,130 --> 00:24:26,339
"Look! Look, look, look, they're smoking.
They're smoking them."

461
00:24:26,340 --> 00:24:27,842
"They're smoking them."

462
00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:39,437
I'm here. I'm 53 years old.
Can't believe it, and...

463
00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:43,024
You know, I'd rather be 53 than 23.

464
00:24:43,733 --> 00:24:45,150
[woman cheers]

465
00:24:45,151 --> 00:24:48,029
Yeah, one other person agrees with that.

466
00:24:50,823 --> 00:24:53,909
Yeah, no, how many people here
under the age of 30?

467
00:24:53,910 --> 00:24:54,993
[cheers]

468
00:24:54,994 --> 00:24:57,412
Well, okay, we got a few people.
Okay, there you go. That's good.

469
00:24:57,413 --> 00:24:59,998
That's pretty cool, actually. Yeah.
So you never know.

470
00:24:59,999 --> 00:25:03,001
When you do a show in the '90s,
you go on the road every night,

471
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:05,213
it could be
like a Smash Mouth reunion gig.

472
00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:08,173
It's like an AARP convention.

473
00:25:08,174 --> 00:25:10,342
But we got some young whippersnappers
in here tonight.

474
00:25:10,343 --> 00:25:12,177
Raise your hands if you're under 30.
Let me see these...

475
00:25:12,178 --> 00:25:13,929
Look at these young folks there, huh?

476
00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:16,056
Yeah, look at
that young whippersnapper right there.

477
00:25:16,057 --> 00:25:19,184
Hi. How are you? Hi.

478
00:25:19,185 --> 00:25:22,355
Hi, young fella.
Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.

479
00:25:23,314 --> 00:25:24,899
I'd rather be 53 than 23.

480
00:25:25,733 --> 00:25:28,903
I'd rather be old than young.
I'd rather be me than you.

481
00:25:31,030 --> 00:25:34,450
You said no. The guy said no.
No, I'd rather be 53 than 23.

482
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:37,661
I'd rather be older than you.
I don't got to worry about dying young.

483
00:25:37,662 --> 00:25:40,206
You do. Hey? True.

484
00:25:40,831 --> 00:25:42,333
Can't die young when you're old.

485
00:25:44,418 --> 00:25:47,546
Of course, the downside of death at 53,
your death is no longer tragic.

486
00:25:49,590 --> 00:25:53,594
No one ever says, "Oh, it's such a shame,
he had 12% of his life left ahead of him."

487
00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:01,602
I'd rather be 53 than 23 for sure.
For sure I would.

488
00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:06,356
I remember when I was 23, I was stressed
and scared about the future.

489
00:26:06,357 --> 00:26:08,900
You know,
so much of your life left ahead of you.

490
00:26:08,901 --> 00:26:10,902
You don't know what's going to happen.

491
00:26:10,903 --> 00:26:14,072
Every single move
you make could just lead you further

492
00:26:14,073 --> 00:26:16,534
and further down some horrible path.

493
00:26:17,451 --> 00:26:20,120
But then when you get to my age,
you know, it's not stressful

494
00:26:20,121 --> 00:26:23,291
looking forward, because there's so much
less of my life left to ruin.

495
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:27,711
I've basically made it.
Of course, I'd rather be old than young.

496
00:26:27,712 --> 00:26:29,379
So don't feel bad about getting older.

497
00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:32,882
It gets way better,
better as you get older, for sure.

498
00:26:32,883 --> 00:26:37,179
Yeah, got some pretty old folks here.
There's a pretty old guy right there.

499
00:26:38,222 --> 00:26:42,183
You're pretty old, huh?
You're a pretty old guy, not bad, not bad.

500
00:26:42,184 --> 00:26:44,894
[laughs]
You'd rather be old than young?

501
00:26:44,895 --> 00:26:46,146
Think about it,
like tonight after the show.

502
00:26:46,147 --> 00:26:48,315
You had a good time, right?
You having a good time, right?

503
00:26:48,316 --> 00:26:49,400
Is this your wife?

504
00:26:49,859 --> 00:26:52,152
Yeah, after the show, you're walking out
onto Elgin Street there.

505
00:26:52,153 --> 00:26:53,820
Probably laughing,
"That show was funny, huh?

506
00:26:53,821 --> 00:26:55,697
[fake laughs]
"That was so funny, right?"

507
00:26:55,698 --> 00:26:58,116
Probably saying something like that.
"That was fucking hilarious, huh?"

508
00:26:58,117 --> 00:27:00,702
"He's still got it. He's still got it!"

509
00:27:00,703 --> 00:27:03,873
Probably just something like that, right?
Yeah, probably, right? Right?

510
00:27:04,957 --> 00:27:06,082
Probably just something like that.

511
00:27:06,083 --> 00:27:08,209
Having a nice chat,
and then, you're not paying attention,

512
00:27:08,210 --> 00:27:12,589
you step out of the Elgin,
the OC Transpo bus... [fake groans]

513
00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:16,092
[fake grunts]
Like, it's ripped your jaw off.

514
00:27:16,093 --> 00:27:19,013
[slobbering] It's like flapping.
[continues grunting]

515
00:27:22,141 --> 00:27:24,768
Your wife's just looking at you,
and you're like...

516
00:27:24,769 --> 00:27:26,687
[pained grunts]

517
00:27:28,230 --> 00:27:30,858
Right? Right?
You know, something like that.

518
00:27:31,776 --> 00:27:33,902
And your last thoughts
are fluttering through your head,

519
00:27:33,903 --> 00:27:34,944
and you'd probably be thinking
to yourself,

520
00:27:34,945 --> 00:27:37,364
"Tom was right. I'm glad I'm not 23."

521
00:27:37,365 --> 00:27:39,825
See? See?

522
00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:43,036
Of course, you'd rather be old than young.

523
00:27:43,037 --> 00:27:44,830
[whistles and cheers]

524
00:27:45,915 --> 00:27:48,500
Now take the bus out of the equation.
You'd still rather be old than young.

525
00:27:48,501 --> 00:27:50,836
It's the same thing, only you're not dead.

526
00:27:56,342 --> 00:27:58,010
I swear I thought that made sense.

527
00:27:59,762 --> 00:28:01,263
Okay. [chuckles]

528
00:28:05,393 --> 00:28:07,602
Young folks here tonight. This is cool.

529
00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:09,938
- Lots of young folks. [snorts]
- [crowd member] Whoo!

530
00:28:09,939 --> 00:28:13,692
It's funny when under 30 is like,
"Wow, it's a really young crowd here."

531
00:28:14,610 --> 00:28:15,986
[laughing] Under 30.

532
00:28:17,405 --> 00:28:18,447
It's cool.

533
00:28:20,157 --> 00:28:22,283
Yeah, it must be weird for you.
23 years old, huh?

534
00:28:22,284 --> 00:28:24,077
No, I just made that number up.

535
00:28:24,078 --> 00:28:25,829
- How old are you?
- [man] 22.

536
00:28:25,830 --> 00:28:27,915
22, yeah. Okay, good.

537
00:28:30,668 --> 00:28:34,255
It's a magic show, too, yeah.
A mentalism act.

538
00:28:35,464 --> 00:28:37,674
Probably got your first cell phone
when you were 12.

539
00:28:37,675 --> 00:28:38,842
- [man] Pretty much.
- Pretty much, yeah.

540
00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:42,471
There you go. See? Not bad.
So you don't know how the world works.

541
00:28:44,014 --> 00:28:45,098
No, I don't want to come...

542
00:28:45,099 --> 00:28:47,684
Just every single human being
who ever lived on this planet

543
00:28:47,685 --> 00:28:49,727
since the beginning of time
lived their entire life,

544
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:52,105
their entire adult life,
without a cellular telephone.

545
00:28:52,106 --> 00:28:54,649
You'll never live a day as an adult
without a cell phone in your pocket.

546
00:28:54,650 --> 00:28:57,277
You reach in there,
you got every answer to every question

547
00:28:57,278 --> 00:28:59,946
that you could ever ask, instantly,
you don't need to know anything.

548
00:28:59,947 --> 00:29:02,031
You can just type it in.
You're the first generation of people

549
00:29:02,032 --> 00:29:03,908
that actually doesn't need
to know anything.

550
00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:05,535
You just type it in, right?

551
00:29:05,536 --> 00:29:07,787
I think they got to change
the curriculum in schools.

552
00:29:07,788 --> 00:29:09,789
They gotta stop teaching us
the answers to stuff,

553
00:29:09,790 --> 00:29:11,000
start teaching us the questions.

554
00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:16,212
Yeah, what do I type in this thing?
That's all you need to know.

555
00:29:16,213 --> 00:29:18,381
It wasn't like that back in the day.
Oh, yeah.

556
00:29:18,382 --> 00:29:20,175
Every human being in history,
they didn't have that.

557
00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:23,261
So they had to think about stuff,
like Pythagoras.

558
00:29:23,262 --> 00:29:25,263
He didn't have a cell phone.
Winston Churchill?

559
00:29:25,264 --> 00:29:27,307
He didn't have a cell phone.
Patrick Swayze?

560
00:29:27,308 --> 00:29:29,935
He didn't have a cell phone. Nobody!

561
00:29:30,853 --> 00:29:33,021
Used to be, we'd go outside.
Nobody knew where you fucking...

562
00:29:33,022 --> 00:29:35,023
We wouldn't know where we were,
you'd walk around,

563
00:29:35,024 --> 00:29:37,233
you'd be like...
you'd look at stuff.

564
00:29:37,234 --> 00:29:39,944
You ever look at stuff?
Do you ever go outside and look at stuff?

565
00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:41,738
Like, seriously, though,
do you ever look at stuff?

566
00:29:41,739 --> 00:29:43,908
Not your phone, not your phone.

567
00:29:44,450 --> 00:29:46,910
Do you ever wait for the bus?
Do you ever wait for the bus?

568
00:29:46,911 --> 00:29:49,162
What do you do
when you're waiting for the bus?

569
00:29:49,163 --> 00:29:50,538
What do you do?
You look at your phone.

570
00:29:50,539 --> 00:29:52,081
You look at your phone.
You go through your TikTok.

571
00:29:52,082 --> 00:29:53,082
You go through your Facebook.

572
00:29:53,083 --> 00:29:54,876
You go through your Instagram,
right, when you're at the bus.

573
00:29:54,877 --> 00:29:57,880
You ever look at the ground?
We used to look at the ground.

574
00:29:58,631 --> 00:30:00,465
'Cause we didn't have that, right?
You pull that aside.

575
00:30:00,466 --> 00:30:02,300
That's the thing below this.
It's the ground.

576
00:30:02,301 --> 00:30:04,552
The thing that's holding...
It's the ground.

577
00:30:04,553 --> 00:30:05,929
It's called the ground.
You ever look at it?

578
00:30:05,930 --> 00:30:07,680
You never look at the ground.
We used to look...

579
00:30:07,681 --> 00:30:10,183
We all did. Everybody here knows
what I'm talking about.

580
00:30:10,184 --> 00:30:12,519
- [cheers]
- Remember that? Yeah, man.

581
00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:13,437
Yeah.

582
00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,358
We used to look at the ground, man.
Yeah.

583
00:30:18,359 --> 00:30:19,526
There's rocks on the ground.

584
00:30:19,527 --> 00:30:20,902
You ever look at little rocks
on the ground?

585
00:30:20,903 --> 00:30:22,570
You ever pick up
a little rock at the ground?

586
00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:24,864
Really look at it? Really look at it.

587
00:30:24,865 --> 00:30:27,408
Pythagoras did. You never did.

588
00:30:27,409 --> 00:30:29,494
Winston Churchill. He looked at rocks.

589
00:30:29,495 --> 00:30:31,871
Come on, you take it after...
Remember after the rain?

590
00:30:31,872 --> 00:30:35,166
Remember after the rain, when they
were glistening, when the dust washes off?

591
00:30:35,167 --> 00:30:37,211
And the sun hits it, huh?

592
00:30:39,255 --> 00:30:41,631
You're missing out
on the whole thing, man.

593
00:30:41,632 --> 00:30:42,924
You got to put that phone down.

594
00:30:42,925 --> 00:30:45,510
When you take it home,
you put it in a cardboard box.

595
00:30:45,511 --> 00:30:48,096
You ever have a rock collection, no, huh?

596
00:30:48,097 --> 00:30:52,141
You ever have a soggy box of rocks?
Because the box would get soggy, right?

597
00:30:52,142 --> 00:30:55,770
Am I right? Yup, yeah.
Everybody knows what I'm talking about.

598
00:30:55,771 --> 00:30:58,731
Everybody had
a soggy box of rocks at one point.

599
00:30:58,732 --> 00:30:59,857
Come on, you never...

600
00:30:59,858 --> 00:31:01,317
You're missing out
on the whole thing, man.

601
00:31:01,318 --> 00:31:02,819
And then the box, it gets soggy,

602
00:31:02,820 --> 00:31:04,988
and then your dad
would make you a crate, huh?

603
00:31:04,989 --> 00:31:06,030
Come on, they know!

604
00:31:06,031 --> 00:31:08,741
Then you have a crate of rocks,
and then you go off to college,

605
00:31:08,742 --> 00:31:11,286
and you'd forget about it
and get a venereal disease.

606
00:31:11,287 --> 00:31:13,455
And life would take twists and turns.

607
00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:15,582
Then, one day, your old crate, a box...

608
00:31:15,583 --> 00:31:17,083
You remember it all, you threw it out.

609
00:31:17,084 --> 00:31:19,127
And then you'll be riddled
with guilt for the rest of your life

610
00:31:19,128 --> 00:31:21,004
because you threw out your box of rocks.

611
00:31:21,005 --> 00:31:22,922
Come on.
Everyone knows what I'm talking about.

612
00:31:22,923 --> 00:31:25,425
- [cheers]
- Everybody knows.

613
00:31:25,426 --> 00:31:27,510
That's the way the world works.

614
00:31:27,511 --> 00:31:30,930
You don't know
how the fucking world works, man.

615
00:31:30,931 --> 00:31:33,725
It was better before, we would get bored,
we would look around,

616
00:31:33,726 --> 00:31:36,561
and then you come up with stuff.
That's the thing.

617
00:31:36,562 --> 00:31:38,521
You don't get bored anymore.
You can't get bored.

618
00:31:38,522 --> 00:31:40,273
Just as soon as you start to get bored,
you look at your phone,

619
00:31:40,274 --> 00:31:41,941
you're not bored anymore,
but it used to be you didn't have that.

620
00:31:41,942 --> 00:31:44,235
So you'd get bored,
and you'd have to figure stuff out.

621
00:31:44,236 --> 00:31:47,113
Start doing stuff
that you're not supposed to do, you know.

622
00:31:47,114 --> 00:31:50,533
That's what's fun, doing stuff you're not
supposed to do because you're bored.

623
00:31:50,534 --> 00:31:53,661
You ever take Pop Rocks, put them in 7Up,
see if your stomach will explode?

624
00:31:53,662 --> 00:31:56,498
Huh? Yeah.
See, that's how the world works, man.

625
00:31:57,374 --> 00:32:00,043
You ever rip the arm
off a Stretch Armstrong? Come on.

626
00:32:00,044 --> 00:32:03,129
Lick that gelatinous goo
that oozes from within.

627
00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:06,424
[licks] See?
The DOW Chemical goo.

628
00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:09,887
[licks]
That's how the world works, man.

629
00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:12,639
You ever reach your hand in a cereal box,

630
00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:17,060
pull out a sticky rubber octopus toy,
throw it against the wall...

631
00:32:17,061 --> 00:32:18,311
[cheers]

632
00:32:18,312 --> 00:32:21,898
...watch it start crawling down the wall,
limb over limbs?

633
00:32:21,899 --> 00:32:26,570
1986, and you're looking out, going, "Man,
the world's getting fucking crazy, man."

634
00:32:27,738 --> 00:32:29,198
Just the right amount of stick.

635
00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:33,326
Ever take Tylenol PM, crush it up,

636
00:32:33,327 --> 00:32:36,163
put it in bread, feed it to the seagulls,
watch them die in the air, huh?

637
00:32:36,747 --> 00:32:39,833
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
They drop like fucking rocks, man.

638
00:32:41,168 --> 00:32:43,170
They drop like fucking rocks, man!

639
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:49,133
I never did that. [clears throat]

640
00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:50,551
Never did that.

641
00:32:50,552 --> 00:32:54,807
No, just saying, you're missing out
on a lot of fun stuff, that's all.

642
00:32:56,350 --> 00:32:57,642
And we don't know what to think anymore.

643
00:32:57,643 --> 00:32:59,310
We don't know what to believe anymore.
That's the problem.

644
00:32:59,311 --> 00:33:02,313
Everything is so divided
because of these phones.

645
00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:05,525
Because you don't... You get
your information, and it's an algorithm.

646
00:33:05,526 --> 00:33:07,902
And the more you look
at a certain type of information,

647
00:33:07,903 --> 00:33:10,279
the more your phone will give you
that kind of information.

648
00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:12,657
And then the more you get
the kind of information that you like,

649
00:33:12,658 --> 00:33:14,575
the more you think you're really smart.

650
00:33:14,576 --> 00:33:16,035
"Oh, look. Oh, I agree with that."

651
00:33:16,036 --> 00:33:17,495
So it gives you all the stuff
you agree with,

652
00:33:17,496 --> 00:33:19,372
and you feel smart,
and you want to stay on there.

653
00:33:19,373 --> 00:33:21,124
It makes you feel good
because you feel smart.

654
00:33:21,125 --> 00:33:23,084
So you pick up the phone more and more
because it makes you feel smart,

655
00:33:23,085 --> 00:33:25,002
because it's giving you stuff
that you agree with already,

656
00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:27,755
and you just stay on that app,
and you're giving all your money

657
00:33:27,756 --> 00:33:31,342
to these billionaire fat cats,
making their money off brainwashing you

658
00:33:31,343 --> 00:33:33,886
into looking at their stuff,
making you think that you're smart.

659
00:33:33,887 --> 00:33:36,806
Right? But then your other buddy here,
he's on a different algorithm.

660
00:33:36,807 --> 00:33:38,683
He's looking at
completely different stuff, right?

661
00:33:38,684 --> 00:33:40,768
I have this friend of mine,
I hadn't seen him in years.

662
00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:42,437
We used to agree on everything,

663
00:33:42,438 --> 00:33:46,065
and we just ran into each other
on the street recently,

664
00:33:46,066 --> 00:33:49,652
and he's a completely different person.
He's on a completely different algorithm.

665
00:33:49,653 --> 00:33:50,738
I tell you.

666
00:33:52,823 --> 00:33:54,824
No, it's weird. I ran into this guy.
We used to agree on everything.

667
00:33:54,825 --> 00:33:58,327
We start talking
about the Tartarian Empire, okay,

668
00:33:58,328 --> 00:34:01,581
about all these beautiful buildings
we see down here,

669
00:34:01,582 --> 00:34:03,374
they weren't built by us, you know?
They weren't built by us.

670
00:34:03,375 --> 00:34:07,545
They were built by a hidden civilization
that we don't know about.

671
00:34:07,546 --> 00:34:10,715
The mud floods came, and we wouldn't
even know about this ancient civilization.

672
00:34:10,716 --> 00:34:12,967
You're nodding your head here.
Yeah, Yeah.

673
00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:16,095
The nun with the laser beams guy
is nodding his head. Right? Yeah.

674
00:34:16,096 --> 00:34:18,473
We wouldn't know about any of this
unless Admiral Larry Bird

675
00:34:18,474 --> 00:34:21,100
had gone to Antarctica
and went over the ice wall

676
00:34:21,101 --> 00:34:23,978
and talked to the reptilian overlords
from the planet Nibiru.

677
00:34:23,979 --> 00:34:26,439
And we find out about the Tartarian...
all this stuff.

678
00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:29,233
Right, I'm talking to my buddy, and
he doesn't know about any of this shit.

679
00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:33,489
That's the thing, like...
Like the guy's a fucking idiot.

680
00:34:35,324 --> 00:34:38,326
You don't know about the Tartarian Empire, unbelievable.

681
00:34:38,327 --> 00:34:40,578
Doesn't know the melting point of steel,
doesn't know Building Seven.

682
00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:42,498
I mean, the guy's a fucking idiot.

683
00:34:46,043 --> 00:34:47,836
[chuckles]

684
00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,132
You know what I'm talking about.

685
00:34:53,509 --> 00:34:55,843
Uh, you don't know
what to believe anymore.

686
00:34:55,844 --> 00:35:00,849
Yeah. I think the division is worse
than the stuff that we are divided about.

687
00:35:01,892 --> 00:35:03,185
Okay.

688
00:35:07,689 --> 00:35:09,148
I do. I think that's the bigger problem.

689
00:35:09,149 --> 00:35:13,945
The division itself is worse than
any single issue that we're arguing about.

690
00:35:13,946 --> 00:35:16,031
[cheers and applause]

691
00:35:18,867 --> 00:35:20,701
Thought of an idea,
next Thanksgiving dinner,

692
00:35:20,702 --> 00:35:22,203
when you go to Thanksgiving dinner,

693
00:35:22,204 --> 00:35:24,705
and your aunt and uncle start arguing
about politics,

694
00:35:24,706 --> 00:35:27,918
just pretend you're a goldfish
who doesn't vote.

695
00:35:29,586 --> 00:35:34,258
"Pass the cranberry sauce.
I'm a cranberry sauce-eating goldfish."

696
00:35:35,884 --> 00:35:37,802
Don't want to get
in an argument about politics of things.

697
00:35:37,803 --> 00:35:39,262
And then they get mad.

698
00:35:39,263 --> 00:35:42,975
"You ruined Thanksgiving
with that goldfish shit."

699
00:35:44,518 --> 00:35:46,520
"We wanted to ruin Thanksgiving!"

700
00:35:49,606 --> 00:35:51,065
Yeah.

701
00:35:51,066 --> 00:35:52,901
I'm in a weird algorithm.

702
00:35:55,988 --> 00:35:57,822
We've got to put our phones away
and stay off them.

703
00:35:57,823 --> 00:36:00,199
I looked at my phone this morning,
the screen time,

704
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:02,119
60 hours, today.

705
00:36:07,291 --> 00:36:08,708
Brainwashing us.

706
00:36:08,709 --> 00:36:10,543
Don't sleep with your phone
beside the bed.

707
00:36:10,544 --> 00:36:12,086
Okay? That's not good.

708
00:36:12,087 --> 00:36:14,755
You know, the last two weeks
I wake up in the morning, I still do it.

709
00:36:14,756 --> 00:36:17,968
I can't... I tell you, I wake...
I'm on TikTok before I'm out of bed.

710
00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:20,887
I'm on social media before I'm out of bed,
just scrolling through.

711
00:36:20,888 --> 00:36:23,764
The last two weeks,
I've woken up every morning

712
00:36:23,765 --> 00:36:26,560
to Karen's getting arrested and tased.

713
00:36:28,729 --> 00:36:31,230
[yells] "What did I do?"
"Stop resisting."

714
00:36:31,231 --> 00:36:34,150
"What did I do?"
"Stop resisting."

715
00:36:34,151 --> 00:36:36,611
"Stop..."
"What did I do?"

716
00:36:36,612 --> 00:36:39,990
I love it. I love it. I mean...

717
00:36:41,992 --> 00:36:44,745
There is good sides to every coin.

718
00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:52,001
Yeah.
You don't know what to believe anymore.

719
00:36:52,002 --> 00:36:55,338
Negative information spreads faster
than positive information, too.

720
00:36:55,339 --> 00:36:58,549
That's the problem. Because it's fun
to repeat stuff that's negative,

721
00:36:58,550 --> 00:37:02,553
especially if it's about somebody famous,
it's fun to just run and tell everybody.

722
00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:04,513
And the most negative thing
that you could hear,

723
00:37:04,514 --> 00:37:07,099
even if it's not true,
it's fun to just repeat it.

724
00:37:07,100 --> 00:37:09,019
Yeah. Diddy...

725
00:37:11,188 --> 00:37:12,773
I think he did.

726
00:37:17,194 --> 00:37:19,487
Danny Masterson's not getting out
till he's 70.

727
00:37:19,488 --> 00:37:20,446
[man] Yup.

728
00:37:20,447 --> 00:37:22,531
The good news is
they'll bring back <i>That '70s Show</i>.

729
00:37:22,532 --> 00:37:23,908
Okay, so...

730
00:37:23,909 --> 00:37:27,411
So stupid, it's just a dumb thing.
Just a dumb joke.

731
00:37:27,412 --> 00:37:29,038
It's all right.
It's fine. He won't hear it.

732
00:37:29,039 --> 00:37:31,124
[laughs]

733
00:37:33,627 --> 00:37:35,087
Hmm, okay.

734
00:37:37,130 --> 00:37:39,048
Like I said, people like spreading
negative information.

735
00:37:39,049 --> 00:37:41,050
It didn't used to be like that.
It didn't used to be like that.

736
00:37:41,051 --> 00:37:42,718
I mean, with people,
there's always been rumors,

737
00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:44,553
but not like hundreds of rumors a day.

738
00:37:44,554 --> 00:37:47,264
Every day, you read something about
someone, and then you tell ten friends

739
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:48,891
because you want to be the first person
to tell your friends

740
00:37:48,892 --> 00:37:50,768
something about someone.

741
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:53,896
But back in the day, it wasn't like that.
There'd be rumors, but...

742
00:37:53,897 --> 00:37:55,815
Like I remember the first rumor I heard,

743
00:37:55,816 --> 00:37:58,317
I remember, right here,
growing up as a kid in Ottawa,

744
00:37:58,318 --> 00:38:02,738
came in to school at Robert Hopkins
Public School, came into the schoolyard.

745
00:38:02,739 --> 00:38:03,948
All the kids were talking.

746
00:38:03,949 --> 00:38:07,702
There'd been a big concert
over the weekend at the Super X, okay?

747
00:38:07,703 --> 00:38:12,081
One of the biggest musicians in the world
had just performed in Ottawa,

748
00:38:12,082 --> 00:38:16,252
and they were all talking about it.
I'm in grade three,

749
00:38:16,253 --> 00:38:18,629
and I don't want to say
this musician's name or anything,

750
00:38:18,630 --> 00:38:21,007
but they're all talking, they're saying
last night after the concert,

751
00:38:21,008 --> 00:38:23,135
so and so,
he got admitted to the hospital.

752
00:38:24,011 --> 00:38:27,556
They had to pump 18 liters of come
out of his stomach.

753
00:38:29,725 --> 00:38:32,143
Just what they said, I don't know.

754
00:38:32,144 --> 00:38:34,061
I mean, does anyone remember this rumor?

755
00:38:34,062 --> 00:38:35,731
Who was it?

756
00:38:36,481 --> 00:38:37,898
- Who?
- [crowd] Rod Stewart.

757
00:38:37,899 --> 00:38:40,943
Rod Stewart, okay,
I wasn't going to bring it up, but...

758
00:38:40,944 --> 00:38:44,196
I don't want to spread rumors or anything,
but yeah.

759
00:38:44,197 --> 00:38:47,033
Rod Stewart. Right, sure.
It was Rod Stewart.

760
00:38:47,034 --> 00:38:50,037
I don't want to spread rumors.
You said it, Rod Stewart, right?

761
00:38:51,705 --> 00:38:53,330
I mean, I'm in grade three.

762
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:56,792
I don't know who Rod Stewart is.
I don't even know what come is, right?

763
00:38:56,793 --> 00:38:59,545
But I ran around telling everybody,
"Hey, hear about Rod Stewart?"

764
00:38:59,546 --> 00:39:02,381
"Yeah, the guy that pumped 18 liters
of come out of his stomach."

765
00:39:02,382 --> 00:39:03,842
I'm telling everybody.

766
00:39:05,761 --> 00:39:07,636
And that rumor spread worldwide.

767
00:39:07,637 --> 00:39:09,890
I know because I've been telling
this story all over the world.

768
00:39:11,641 --> 00:39:15,061
And they yell "Rod Stewart"
in Hobart, Indiana, in Philadelphia,

769
00:39:15,062 --> 00:39:17,438
in Singapore, they yell, "Rod Stewart!"

770
00:39:17,439 --> 00:39:20,859
Whenever I mentioned
that come stomach pumping story.

771
00:39:24,488 --> 00:39:26,739
Yes. That's what I chose to talk about
at the NAC tonight.

772
00:39:26,740 --> 00:39:28,408
Okay. [clears throat]

773
00:39:29,785 --> 00:39:32,746
Oh, but this was before the internet.

774
00:39:33,288 --> 00:39:36,373
And that rumor still spread worldwide.
How does that happen?

775
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:40,544
Word of mouth. People just like to talk.
Negative information spreads fast.

776
00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:42,338
I mean, somebody probably
had to pick up their phone,

777
00:39:42,339 --> 00:39:45,257
call their Aunt Maggie
down in Philadelphia.

778
00:39:45,258 --> 00:39:49,678
"Hey, Aunt Maggie, I got some bad news.
You know, it's Tom up here in Ottawa."

779
00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:52,390
"I know you're a big Rod Stewart fan."

780
00:39:53,475 --> 00:39:56,477
"Yeah, last night after the concert,
they had to pump 18 liters of jizz

781
00:39:56,478 --> 00:39:59,105
out of his stomach, Aunt Maggie,
It sounds unbelievable."

782
00:39:59,106 --> 00:40:01,273
"Liters. That's like gallons,
we're metric up here."

783
00:40:01,274 --> 00:40:02,733
"I, uh, yeah, yeah."

784
00:40:02,734 --> 00:40:08,280
"We measure our rock stars' stomach
come pumps in liters."

785
00:40:08,281 --> 00:40:11,784
"Aunt Maggie? Aunt Maggie?"

786
00:40:11,785 --> 00:40:13,161
"Aunt Maggie?"

787
00:40:13,662 --> 00:40:15,663
Okay, so... [laughs]

788
00:40:15,664 --> 00:40:17,833
I'm just saying people
like spreading rumors, that's all.

789
00:40:19,292 --> 00:40:21,085
Like a few years later, another rumor.

790
00:40:21,086 --> 00:40:22,879
I don't want to bring it up,
who it was, but...

791
00:40:24,297 --> 00:40:26,006
A few years later, another rumor comes out

792
00:40:26,007 --> 00:40:27,883
about one of the biggest movie stars
in the world.

793
00:40:27,884 --> 00:40:30,636
Okay, I don't want to mention his name,
but my friend calls me up.

794
00:40:30,637 --> 00:40:32,555
It's like a couple of years
after the Rod Stewart one.

795
00:40:32,556 --> 00:40:35,933
He tells me, "Hey, last night,
so-and-so got admitted to the hospital."

796
00:40:35,934 --> 00:40:37,978
"They had to remove a gerbil
from his anus."

797
00:40:39,312 --> 00:40:41,939
Yeah. I was like, "What?"
Did anyone hear about this?

798
00:40:41,940 --> 00:40:42,898
[crowd] Richard Gere!

799
00:40:42,899 --> 00:40:45,109
Yeah, I'm not saying it,
but like, yeah, yeah.

800
00:40:45,110 --> 00:40:49,029
Richard Gere. Yeah, Richard Gere.
Yeah, everybody heard it.

801
00:40:49,030 --> 00:40:52,575
I don't wanna spread the rumor, but
I mean, everybody already heard it, right?

802
00:40:52,576 --> 00:40:55,077
Richard Gere, apparently
had a gerbil removed out of his anus.

803
00:40:55,078 --> 00:40:56,620
It's not true. It's not true.

804
00:40:56,621 --> 00:40:57,830
He didn't have a gerbil
removed out of his anus,

805
00:40:57,831 --> 00:40:59,623
but everybody
heard it all around the world.

806
00:40:59,624 --> 00:41:02,501
I remember being a kid. I'm like
in the grade six or something like that.

807
00:41:02,502 --> 00:41:04,628
"He what?"
I'm like, "What? How, how, why?"

808
00:41:04,629 --> 00:41:07,840
I had so many questions.
I didn't know about sex.

809
00:41:07,841 --> 00:41:09,550
You know, my buddy said,
"It's like a sex thing."

810
00:41:09,551 --> 00:41:12,386
"What?" "Oh, yeah.
They stick a toilet tube up there,

811
00:41:12,387 --> 00:41:14,930
and the gerbil goes up,
and then you pull it out fast."

812
00:41:14,931 --> 00:41:16,390
"It gets stuck in there.
It goes like this..."

813
00:41:16,391 --> 00:41:18,894
"It feels really good." I say...

814
00:41:19,895 --> 00:41:22,022
"I'm going to the pet shop," you know.

815
00:41:22,606 --> 00:41:24,900
"I'm going to Zeller's!" Okay...

816
00:41:25,483 --> 00:41:27,776
Let me tell you, I racked up
a few Club Z points there,

817
00:41:27,777 --> 00:41:29,571
I tell you, that's for sure, huh?

818
00:41:31,281 --> 00:41:35,409
A little Club Z point joke
in 2024 for the...

819
00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:38,663
There you go.
Oh, yeah, hi! Anyways...

820
00:41:39,247 --> 00:41:40,664
I'm just saying.

821
00:41:40,665 --> 00:41:42,583
I'm just saying
these phones are messed up.

822
00:41:42,584 --> 00:41:44,084
That's all I'm saying.

823
00:41:44,085 --> 00:41:46,171
These phones are completely messed up.

824
00:41:47,297 --> 00:41:48,672
You know, spreading rumors

825
00:41:48,673 --> 00:41:51,091
about people constantly...
hundred times more than it was before.

826
00:41:51,092 --> 00:41:54,094
I mean, and people are willing to believe
everything, anything and everything.

827
00:41:54,095 --> 00:41:58,475
People are willing to believe anything,
and I think that story is proof of it.

828
00:41:59,059 --> 00:42:01,310
Richard Gere
was the biggest movie star in the world.

829
00:42:01,311 --> 00:42:03,938
Everybody loved him,
but people believed that.

830
00:42:03,939 --> 00:42:06,816
The most outrageous thing.
Imagine being Richard Gere,

831
00:42:08,652 --> 00:42:10,528
things are going pretty good.

832
00:42:11,071 --> 00:42:14,908
<i>Pretty Woman</i> just came out.
You're at a deli on Sepulveda, you know.

833
00:42:15,825 --> 00:42:17,827
You're at a deli in Los Angeles.

834
00:42:19,246 --> 00:42:21,623
You overhear somebody say,
"What? What? What?"

835
00:42:23,250 --> 00:42:27,087
Surely, that rumor is going to die down.
No, it didn't. No.

836
00:42:28,964 --> 00:42:31,967
Had to go
on <i>Entertainment Tonight</i> and deny it.

837
00:42:33,093 --> 00:42:34,093
It always makes it worse.

838
00:42:34,094 --> 00:42:36,345
"Hey, Mary, sorry to be here
under these circumstances.

839
00:42:36,346 --> 00:42:40,599
I wish I could be here to promote my movie
<i>Pretty Woman</i>,

840
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:43,936
but no, there's this rumor going around

841
00:42:43,937 --> 00:42:46,897
about a gerbil in my anus, and I'd just
like to set the record straight.

842
00:42:46,898 --> 00:42:48,649
It's disgusting.
I would never do such a thing.

843
00:42:48,650 --> 00:42:52,737
It's a hamster, man.
It was a hamster, come on. It was sick.

844
00:42:55,907 --> 00:42:58,118
The same people are willing
to believe anything if they believe that.

845
00:42:58,827 --> 00:43:00,119
The biggest movie star in the world,

846
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:02,247
and we'll believe
the most outrageous thing.

847
00:43:02,914 --> 00:43:04,498
That'd be the modern day equivalent
of the Rock

848
00:43:04,499 --> 00:43:06,876
getting accused of having
a groundhog up his butt, you know.

849
00:43:08,128 --> 00:43:10,130
Like, I'm adjusting for scale, of course.

850
00:43:10,714 --> 00:43:13,466
I mean, I'm not saying
the Rock has a giant asshole, but...

851
00:43:14,134 --> 00:43:15,634
[laughs]

852
00:43:15,635 --> 00:43:18,554
It's got to be bigger than Richard Gere's.
That's all...

853
00:43:18,555 --> 00:43:20,472
I can't put this in...

854
00:43:20,473 --> 00:43:22,766
I can't...
I can't put this in the special.

855
00:43:22,767 --> 00:43:25,561
This is not...
This doesn't make any sense.

856
00:43:25,562 --> 00:43:27,771
When I say, "Chicken,"
you say, "Sandwich."

857
00:43:27,772 --> 00:43:29,148
- Chicken!
- [crowd] Sandwich!

858
00:43:29,149 --> 00:43:31,484
That resets it.
We're fine. Everything's fine.

859
00:43:32,027 --> 00:43:34,361
Everything's fine.
You down with all OPP?

860
00:43:34,362 --> 00:43:37,240
- [crowd] Yeah, you know me!
- Yeah, we're old for sure.

861
00:43:39,993 --> 00:43:41,327
Would you look at that? There's a piano.

862
00:43:41,328 --> 00:43:44,246
Maybe I could do "Daddy, Would You Like
Some Sausage?" live.

863
00:43:44,247 --> 00:43:46,666
Hmm... No, really.

864
00:43:48,001 --> 00:43:49,251
Really...

865
00:43:49,252 --> 00:43:52,421
I don't know if I've ever done "Daddy,
Would You Like Some Sausage?" live before.

866
00:43:52,422 --> 00:43:55,717
But should I do "Daddy,
Would You Like Some Sausage?" live?

867
00:43:56,718 --> 00:43:58,677
Huh? Wow.

868
00:43:58,678 --> 00:44:01,556
Never even...
Just thought of that right now. Wow.

869
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:04,933
Watch that microphone for...

870
00:44:04,934 --> 00:44:07,686
You see,
when I made <i>Freddy Got Fingered...</i>

871
00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:10,105
Oh, sorry. You were doing so good.
Hi, Charlie.

872
00:44:10,106 --> 00:44:14,069
Hi, Charlie. You want to play the piano?
Here, you want to play?

873
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:16,570
I've been teaching Charlie
to play the piano.

874
00:44:16,571 --> 00:44:18,405
Charlie, come here, jump up.

875
00:44:18,406 --> 00:44:20,867
It's all right,
it's just a thousand people.

876
00:44:22,285 --> 00:44:23,452
Charlie, come here, play the piano.

877
00:44:23,453 --> 00:44:24,787
Let's play
"Daddy Would Like Some Sausage."

878
00:44:24,788 --> 00:44:25,914
Come here.

879
00:44:26,748 --> 00:44:30,501
<i>♪ Daddy, would you like some...? ♪</i>
Nope, Charlie, come. Come, come.

880
00:44:30,502 --> 00:44:34,129
Jump up, over here. Jump up, yep.
There you go. Right there, this way.

881
00:44:34,130 --> 00:44:36,006
It's okay, she's good, jump up.

882
00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:38,133
- Play the piano, play it.
- [crowd] Aw! [applause]

883
00:44:38,134 --> 00:44:40,220
Yeah. Yeah.

884
00:44:41,096 --> 00:44:43,556
It's like a low budget Ringling Brothers.

885
00:44:45,308 --> 00:44:48,436
Play the piano, Charlie, play it.
Play "Daddy, Would You Like Some Sausage?"

886
00:44:49,145 --> 00:44:50,438
Play it, play it.

887
00:44:51,523 --> 00:44:52,689
Yeah.

888
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:54,942
[applause and whistles]

889
00:44:54,943 --> 00:44:56,236
Good girl.

890
00:44:57,862 --> 00:44:59,406
Good girl.

891
00:45:00,782 --> 00:45:04,619
Oh, look, there's a top hat.
Somebody left a top hat here.

892
00:45:05,161 --> 00:45:06,578
I love the National Arts Center.

893
00:45:06,579 --> 00:45:08,539
You never know
when there's a top hat lying around.

894
00:45:08,540 --> 00:45:10,207
[plays piano]

895
00:45:10,208 --> 00:45:11,960
Hi, Charlie. Yeah.

896
00:45:13,378 --> 00:45:15,921
Yeah, I started trying to learn
how to play the piano

897
00:45:15,922 --> 00:45:18,007
during the worldwide global pandemic.

898
00:45:18,633 --> 00:45:21,052
I would stream on Instagram.

899
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:25,597
Often till, like, 3:00 in the morning.

900
00:45:25,598 --> 00:45:29,310
Then sometimes I would fall asleep in a
puddle of my own drool on the livestream.

901
00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:33,189
You were there, anyone there?
And then...

902
00:45:38,403 --> 00:45:40,571
I didn't play piano before the COVID,
and I still don't.

903
00:45:40,572 --> 00:45:45,325
But... I wrote this song about my top hat.

904
00:45:45,326 --> 00:45:47,286
I wrote a song about my top hat.

905
00:45:47,287 --> 00:45:49,372
[continues playing piano]

906
00:45:54,669 --> 00:45:56,129
"Top Hat Song."

907
00:45:58,381 --> 00:46:00,674
This is going to give
"Daddy, Would You Like Some Sausage?"

908
00:46:00,675 --> 00:46:02,634
a run for its money, okay?
Here we go.

909
00:46:02,635 --> 00:46:05,054
<i>♪ I'm going to wear my top hat ♪</i>

910
00:46:06,306 --> 00:46:07,932
<i>♪ Every single day ♪</i>

911
00:46:09,350 --> 00:46:13,354
<i>♪ I'm going to wear my top hat
don't care what people say ♪</i>

912
00:46:15,106 --> 00:46:19,444
<i>♪ I'm going to wear my top hat
shopping in the mall ♪</i>

913
00:46:20,820 --> 00:46:25,158
<i>♪ I don't care if it's out of style
it makes me feel six feet tall ♪</i>

914
00:46:25,533 --> 00:46:30,914
<i>♪ Going to wear my top hat every day
like it's 1849 ♪</i>

915
00:46:32,582 --> 00:46:37,378
<i>♪ Gonna wear my top hat in the rain
the snow and the sunshine ♪</i>

916
00:46:39,005 --> 00:46:42,007
<i>♪ Going to wear my top hat
in New York City ♪</i>

917
00:46:42,008 --> 00:46:43,843
<i>♪ And all around the world ♪</i>

918
00:46:45,845 --> 00:46:49,933
<i>♪ Nobody's ever going
to take my top hat away ♪</i>

919
00:46:51,476 --> 00:46:55,104
<i>♪ Nobody's ever going
to take my top hat away ♪</i>

920
00:46:57,065 --> 00:47:00,527
<i>♪ Nobody's ever going
to take my top hat away ♪</i>

921
00:47:02,403 --> 00:47:03,530
<i>♪ No way ♪</i>

922
00:47:05,073 --> 00:47:06,741
<i>♪ No way ♪</i>

923
00:47:11,329 --> 00:47:14,290
<i>♪ And nobody told you life ain't fair ♪</i>

924
00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:19,379
<i>♪ Then one day
you got pulled out the chair ♪</i>

925
00:47:21,965 --> 00:47:24,551
<i>♪ Funny how it wouldn't matter
if you didn't care ♪</i>

926
00:47:27,303 --> 00:47:30,223
<i>♪ Funny how it wouldn't matter
if you didn't care ♪</i>

927
00:47:38,773 --> 00:47:40,775
[violin begins playing]

928
00:47:47,657 --> 00:47:49,909
[cheers and applause]

929
00:48:01,337 --> 00:48:05,341
<i>♪ Gonna wear my top hat every single day ♪</i>

930
00:48:06,342 --> 00:48:10,597
<i>♪ Gonna wear my top hat
I don't care what people say ♪</i>

931
00:48:11,764 --> 00:48:15,768
<i>♪ Gonna wear my top hat
shopping in the mall ♪</i>

932
00:48:17,145 --> 00:48:21,691
<i>♪ Don't care if it's out of style
it makes me feel six feet tall ♪</i>

933
00:48:24,777 --> 00:48:26,779
[begins solo]

934
00:49:00,521 --> 00:49:04,192
[whistles and applause]

935
00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:16,663
[continues playing solo]

936
00:49:32,929 --> 00:49:37,684
[crowd cheering with applause]

937
00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:20,601
[crowd cheering]

938
00:50:24,814 --> 00:50:26,816
- Is Charlie still here?
- [crowd] Yes!

939
00:50:32,321 --> 00:50:35,157
Sorry, I'm losing my mind here.
Charlie, where are you?

940
00:50:35,158 --> 00:50:36,199
[cheers and applause]

941
00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:38,995
That was
<i>The Tom Green Show</i> theme song.

942
00:50:43,374 --> 00:50:45,960
I wrote that.
I wrote that in my parent's basement.

943
00:50:48,963 --> 00:50:51,631
Oh, there you are, Charlie.
There you are.

944
00:50:51,632 --> 00:50:54,259
Yeah.
<i>♪ This is</i> The Tom Green Show <i>♪</i>

945
00:50:54,260 --> 00:50:56,261
<i>♪ It's not</i> The Green Tom Show ♪

946
00:50:56,262 --> 00:50:58,346
<i>♪ This is my favorite show ♪</i>

947
00:50:58,347 --> 00:51:00,432
<i>- ♪ Because it is my show ♪</i>
- [clapping in rhythm]

948
00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:06,773
<i>♪ If this was your show
you'd probably like it more than I did ♪</i>

949
00:51:08,399 --> 00:51:11,277
- Here. [chuckles]
- [applause]

950
00:51:19,911 --> 00:51:21,828
Yeah. No, this is great.
This is great to be here.

951
00:51:21,829 --> 00:51:26,209
Thanks for letting me play the piano,
National Art Center.

952
00:51:27,502 --> 00:51:29,504
I think I broke it.

953
00:51:30,838 --> 00:51:32,548
This is the theme song to...

954
00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:36,052
the new show, <i>Tom Green Country</i>.

955
00:51:38,554 --> 00:51:41,223
<i>♪ Heading home to the country ♪</i>

956
00:51:41,224 --> 00:51:44,100
<i>♪ To a place I've always been ♪</i>

957
00:51:44,101 --> 00:51:48,188
<i>♪ Goodbye, California
and all them things I've seen ♪</i>

958
00:51:48,189 --> 00:51:49,648
[clapping in rhythm]

959
00:51:49,649 --> 00:51:53,861
<i>♪ Going back to Canada
to live my American dream ♪</i>

960
00:51:55,029 --> 00:51:58,865
<i>♪ On a hundred acres
where the grass is always green ♪</i>

961
00:51:58,866 --> 00:52:01,701
<i>♪ Got me a mule named Fanny ♪</i>

962
00:52:01,702 --> 00:52:04,121
<i>♪ She's a funny gal ♪</i>

963
00:52:05,081 --> 00:52:07,749
<i>♪ Knows all your secrets ♪</i>

964
00:52:07,750 --> 00:52:09,710
<i>♪ She will never tell ♪</i>

965
00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:14,673
<i>♪ Can't live forever
so tonight, let's give 'em hell ♪</i>

966
00:52:14,674 --> 00:52:16,925
<i>♪ Let's give 'em hell ♪</i>

967
00:52:16,926 --> 00:52:19,427
<i>♪ I'll never tell ♪</i>

968
00:52:19,428 --> 00:52:22,722
<i>♪ I'll never tell in the morning ♪</i>

969
00:52:22,723 --> 00:52:25,851
<i>♪ About last night
when we were rolling in the hay ♪</i>

970
00:52:25,852 --> 00:52:27,435
Faster.

971
00:52:27,436 --> 00:52:29,563
<i>♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪</i>

972
00:52:29,564 --> 00:52:33,483
<i>♪ I'll never tell in the morning
about last night ♪</i>

973
00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:35,570
<i>♪ When I told you it's okay ♪</i>

974
00:52:36,904 --> 00:52:39,322
<i>♪ It's going to be okay ♪</i>

975
00:52:39,323 --> 00:52:41,158
<i>♪ Spend the night with me ♪</i>

976
00:52:43,536 --> 00:52:46,163
<i>♪ Won't you spend the night with me? ♪</i>

977
00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:52,377
<i>♪ Heading home to the country ♪</i>

978
00:52:52,378 --> 00:52:54,422
<i>♪ To a place I've always been ♪</i>

979
00:52:55,631 --> 00:52:59,385
<i>♪ Goodbye, California
and all them things I've seen ♪</i>

980
00:53:00,511 --> 00:53:05,307
<i>♪ Going back to Canada
to live my American dream ♪</i>

981
00:53:05,308 --> 00:53:09,311
<i>♪ On a hundred acres
where the grass is always green ♪</i>

982
00:53:09,312 --> 00:53:10,897
[applause]

983
00:53:11,355 --> 00:53:14,191
Thank you, all right. That was fun.

984
00:53:18,571 --> 00:53:22,867
<i>♪ Bright lights, fade out ♪</i>

985
00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:25,828
<i>♪ Had a blast going up ♪</i>

986
00:53:26,746 --> 00:53:28,872
<i>♪ Nearly died coming down ♪</i>

987
00:53:28,873 --> 00:53:30,291
<i>♪ Good friends ♪</i>

988
00:53:31,500 --> 00:53:33,668
<i>♪ Good times ♪</i>

989
00:53:33,669 --> 00:53:35,630
<i>♪ Don't last forever ♪</i>

990
00:53:36,005 --> 00:53:37,882
<i>♪ Except in our minds ♪</i>

991
00:53:38,883 --> 00:53:42,678
<i>♪ Someday, I will return ♪</i>

992
00:53:43,679 --> 00:53:45,680
<i>♪ Flipped everything upside down ♪</i>

993
00:53:45,681 --> 00:53:47,141
<i>♪ Just to watch it burn ♪</i>

994
00:53:48,601 --> 00:53:50,810
<i>♪ And you know me ♪</i>

995
00:53:50,811 --> 00:53:52,938
<i>♪ From back in the day ♪</i>

996
00:53:52,939 --> 00:53:55,191
<i>♪ Ain't it funny
how everything could change? ♪</i>

997
00:53:58,110 --> 00:54:01,447
<i>♪ And I went down
to that old covered bridge ♪</i>

998
00:54:02,114 --> 00:54:05,618
<i>♪ And jumped into the river
how we used to do ♪</i>

999
00:54:07,536 --> 00:54:08,955
<i>♪ Got swept away ♪</i>

1000
00:54:09,956 --> 00:54:11,873
<i>♪ Never seen you since ♪</i>

1001
00:54:11,874 --> 00:54:15,586
<i>♪ I guess I lived my life
how I was supposed to do ♪</i>

1002
00:54:17,129 --> 00:54:19,131
<i>♪ Hey, you know me ♪</i>

1003
00:54:19,715 --> 00:54:21,425
<i>♪ From back in the day ♪</i>

1004
00:54:22,051 --> 00:54:24,470
<i>♪ Ain't it funny
how everything could change? ♪</i>

1005
00:54:27,056 --> 00:54:29,349
<i>♪ And you know me ♪</i>

1006
00:54:29,350 --> 00:54:31,434
<i>♪ From back in the day ♪</i>

1007
00:54:31,435 --> 00:54:34,355
<i>♪ Ain't it funny
how everything could change? ♪</i>

1008
00:54:36,399 --> 00:54:38,401
[music continues]

1009
00:54:55,334 --> 00:54:58,337
<i>♪ 500 miles to New Mexico ♪</i>

1010
00:55:00,006 --> 00:55:03,259
<i>♪ 500 more, I'm coming home ♪</i>

1011
00:55:04,927 --> 00:55:08,055
<i>♪ Took a pit stop down in old Chaco ♪</i>

1012
00:55:09,098 --> 00:55:11,976
<i>♪ Pay my respect to the Navajo ♪</i>

1013
00:55:14,186 --> 00:55:17,898
<i>♪ Yeah, that's me
coming down the old gravel driveway ♪</i>

1014
00:55:18,566 --> 00:55:21,152
<i>♪ I can already smell Mom's apple pie ♪</i>

1015
00:55:23,487 --> 00:55:26,948
<i>♪ And I know it's been a long time
since I went away ♪</i>

1016
00:55:26,949 --> 00:55:30,870
<i>♪ Now that you ask, I can't remember why ♪</i>

1017
00:55:33,247 --> 00:55:35,623
<i>♪ Bright lights ♪</i>

1018
00:55:35,624 --> 00:55:37,543
<i>♪ Fade out ♪</i>

1019
00:55:38,961 --> 00:55:40,629
<i>♪ Had a blast going up ♪</i>

1020
00:55:41,505 --> 00:55:43,174
<i>♪ Nearly died coming down ♪</i>

1021
00:55:43,841 --> 00:55:48,053
<i>♪ Good friends, good times ♪</i>

1022
00:55:48,054 --> 00:55:50,472
<i>♪ Don't last forever ♪</i>

1023
00:55:50,473 --> 00:55:51,932
<i>♪ Except in our minds ♪</i>

1024
00:55:53,267 --> 00:55:57,228
<i>♪ Someday, I will return ♪</i>

1025
00:55:57,229 --> 00:55:59,731
<i>♪ Flipped everything upside down ♪</i>

1026
00:55:59,732 --> 00:56:01,358
<i>♪ Just to watch it burn ♪</i>

1027
00:56:02,443 --> 00:56:04,445
<i>♪ And you know me ♪</i>

1028
00:56:05,029 --> 00:56:06,821
<i>♪ From back in the day ♪</i>

1029
00:56:06,822 --> 00:56:09,950
<i>♪ Ain't it funny
how everything can change? ♪</i>

1030
00:56:11,035 --> 00:56:14,872
<i>♪ Still remain the same ♪</i>

1031
00:56:15,623 --> 00:56:18,208
- Thank you.
- [applause]

1032
00:56:18,209 --> 00:56:21,211
Thank you, Ottawa. I love you guys.
Goodnight, everybody.

1033
00:56:21,212 --> 00:56:23,297
[cheering and whistling]

1034
00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:33,015
Give it up for Charlie.

1035
00:56:47,613 --> 00:56:50,324
- A one, two, three, four.
- [rock music playing]