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I want you to tell me a story...
but not a real story.
Altered. Ridiculous. Fantastical.
Woman: It's called immersion therapy.
We use it with people who are suffering from OCD and PTSD.
If you consistently confront what happened to you
in funny and crazy ways, when it comes up again,
you're less likely to panic about it.
OK.
It's 5:27 a.m. I remember 'cause
I hated working at Starbucks
and I looked at the clock every 2 minutes
begging for my shift to end,
or for a robber to come in and blow my brains out.
It was weird.
There was no one in the store that morning, which I mean,
it was before the morning rush, but there's usually
like 1 or 2 people, and in comes this guy
in a deep-purple tracksuit looking like some
Eastern-European gangster.
It was raining, not pouring--
just enough water to make his hair like the good
kind of wet, you know.
And he had, like, this perpetual
5:00 shadow thing going on.
And I could tell that his mind was somewhere else.
So I ask him, "Is there a jewelry convention in town?"
And he was like, "What? No." And I'm like, "Oh, OK."
And then he's like, "Can I get a black coffee?"
And I'm like, "OK."
So, I get him his black coffee, and he's like,
"Why did you ask me about the jewelry thing?"
And I'm like, "Because of your tracksuit."
And he's like, "Oh, I'm on my way to a hip-hop class."
And I'm like, "That's not a real thing."
And he's like, "OK." And he pays and he leaves.
So, I finish my shift and I go home and I take a nap
before my catering job that night.
I was bartending at this, like, old boys club event--
I don't know. Something to do with cigars.
And lo and behold... there's this same guy,
emerald-green tracksuit this time with, like,
a dress shirt and tie, and I'm like,
"This dude's a fucking alien."
So, I tell him that. I'm like, "Hey, you're an alien."
And he's like, "How did you know?"
And I'm like, "Your tracksuit, buddy."
And he's like, "OK, but you can't tell anyone else.
If you do, I'll have to fuck, eat, and kill you."
And I'm like, "Well, that's really specific."
And he laughs, and he's like, "Yeah."
And he orders a whiskey and he pays and he leaves,
says good night, and then later on,
while I'm cleaning up, he comes up to me and he's like,
"Hey, can I get one more?"
And I'm like, "No, sorry, it's illegal."
And he's like, "Well, do you know where else
I can get a drink?" And I'm like,
"There's like 4 bars on this street, dude."
And he's like, "Come with me."
And I'm like, "No, you're an alien."
And he's like, "Yeah, but I'm an alien
who wants to save the world." And I'm like, "From what?"
And he's like, "Climate change."
And I'm like, "How?"
And he's like, "I have these seeds on my ship.
"And the trees grow into these like beautiful, multicolored,
glowing masterpieces."
And I'm like, "Whoa!"
And he's like, "Yeah, they suck a hundred times
more CO2 than Earth trees do."
And I'm like, "That's impressive."
And he's like, "Yeah, do you want to hear more?"
And I don't know, maybe it's because I do care
a lot about climate change.
Or maybe his smile was actually cute, or maybe
I was just bored and 27 and working two dead-end jobs
because I couldn't afford an actual unpaid internship
at a real newspaper. I don't know,
Whatever the reason was, I said, you know, I was like,
"Fuck it. Yeah, let's drink."
So, we go and we drink and we talk,
and he tells me about his home world and how it
got destroyed by all these excess greenhouse gases
and his whole family was murdered
and the government didn't do anything about it
till it was too late.
And he wanted to honor them by saving other people's planets.
So he had just gotten to Earth and he was living at this
compound out in the hills,
and he asked me to go out there with him.
And I was like, "Absolutely not."
And he's like, "I won't do anything."
And I was like, "No, you're an alien."
And he's like, "Yeah, but do you believe I'm an alien?"
And I'm like, "Do you really want me to answer that?"
And then out of his index finger
came this little tentacle.
And it slithered across the table and it gently wrapped
itself around my wrist.
And then a faint glow started on the tentacle,
and it started at his fingertip
and went over to mine.
And when it reached me, all my anxiety went away.
Like, there is nothing in my head,
not a single bad thought.
Just felt like my entire body was, like,
full of this warm, glowing sunlight.
And he tells me everything is gonna be OK.
So I take a second, I sip my drink, and then I say,
"Fuck it. Take me."
And so he takes me and he shows me these trees.
And I'm like, "Jesus, these trees."
Fuck. There's like nothing cooler in life
than, like, seeing shit glow that shouldn't be glowing.
So, yeah, "I fucked an alien, an alien named Brian.
I mean, that wasn't his real name.
He got it out of a baby book.
He never actually told me his real name.
We, uh--we fucked under the glowing trees because,
like, what else are you supposed to do, you know?
I felt like a girl in one of those hentai porns, you know?
He lifted me up in the air, and all these tentacles
wrapped around me, and it was pure bliss.
And I didn't leave. He had this assistant--Laura.
She was a human, and she, like, helped him
with all the trees, like harvesting and packaging
and sending them off to anybody who placed an order.
I also--I sent a vague text to Craig letting him know
I'd be, like, hanging elsewhere for a while,
which he was baffled by, but it was OK.
It's fine because, like, I was basically addicted
to the drug, like the alien sex drug,
which again, also sexy alien.
Also, he cared about climate change.
Also, I--I had no money.
I was in massive amounts of student debt, and he
promised he'd pay it off, which he never did.
But yeah...
we didn't get much further because he'd never
had sex with a human before.
So, there was like a bit of a learning curve, which...
Um, Laura made us dinner,
and then we got drunk, like we always did.
And he was wearing a powder-blue tracksuit
that night.
It looked good.
Um, I don't know, maybe that was the moment
where I should have noticed how much we were drinking,
like, always, but, I mean, he was fun,
and I wasn't anxious,
and I don't know, but we started having sex.
And, I don't know, he must have gotten too drunk because
it got a little aggressive-- not, like, violent,
but like hot, like temperature hot.
Like my--my whole body was on fire,
and I asked him to stop, but he wouldn't listen.
And then, like, my face started to sweat
and it was turning red and it started to glow.
And I was--I yelled at him to stop, but--'cause my head
was pounding--my head, it was like--
thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.
And I felt like this-- the blood was like
swelling into my brain.
And I asked him--I was yelling at him, "Stop!"
And he--he must not have heard me. I don't know.
And it felt like at any moment
my body was just gonna pop like a balloon.
And I just kept yelling, "Stop, stop, stop!"
And then at the last possible moment, when it felt like
my head was gonna, like, explode like a watermelon,
he came. Hmm.
And when reality set in,
he asked me if something was wrong, and I said, "Nope."
And then he fell asleep and I ran.
I packed up my shit, and I ran all the way from his house
to Craig's front door. And I don't know, I mean,
I must have blacked out or something because he found me
bloody-footed and covered in dirt--Craig, that is.
And, um, he never asked me any questions,
and I've been living with him ever since.
How was that?
"Excuse me. I'm an apple."
She cured?
Yes. No more mental illness.
Craig: "I'm a funny dog."
Joey: You'll never be fluent in Japanese.
Craig: Yes. Thank you. Tell me that I can't do it.
It feeds my fire. It feeds me!
Joey: Thank you for paying for that
and, you know, everything else.
Craig: Yeah. Well, just tell me that I'm a good person
and nobody hates me whenever I ask,
and I'll shower you with all my family's money.
By the way, I'm having a good Grindr date
come over tonight.
And I kind of told him that I live alone.
So, I kind of need you to go into your room
and stay there with all the lights off and make
no sound when he comes over.
Joey: Aah!
Craig: Lights out, bitch!
Man: Hey, man, what's going on? Yeah. No.
Craig: Why? What the fuck?
Man: I said mask only, dude.
Please don't tickle me with a used dildo.
Joey: Then stop being sad. Craig: Joey.
Joey: I'm not Joey. I'm Werewolf Dildo Monster.
Craig: Werewolf Dildo Monster, I'm not in the mood.
Joey: But tickles from used dildo
make the sadness go away.
Oh, I'd rather spiral about how gay and unlikable I am.
Joey: But you're hot and talented,
and no one hates you.
You're only saying that because I told you to.
-Yes. -Joey.
Joey! Joey, don't!
Don't! Joey!
Joey. Your queef juice is everywhere!
Joey: Queefs can't have juice. They're made of air.
Craig: If farts can be wet, then queefs can be wet.
-Stop being sad. -Never!
Not on my face! God.
I think it's important for our friendship
to acknowledge that that was, in fact, not a used dildo,
but brand-new out of the box.
Would you like some alcohol?
Joey, on recording: My name is Joey,
and I think Taylor Swift is mid.
Joey: She is mid.
Blaspheme!
Wait, aren't you like, shocked that I can
make you say that?
Joey: Apps that deepfake voices
have been around a long time.
Craig: Uh, right.
Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sad and fat.
I just want to die. Don't ever leave me, OK?
Joey: Where would I even go?
Man, on TV: We'll be right back.
Are you healed?
God, I miss you.
Your beguiling face has never left my mind.
Craig! Craig!
Craig: Thank God you're here.
Joey: Why does it smell like horseshit?
Craig: Because horseshit is spewing in the fucking shower!
Joey: Oh, my God!
Craig: OK, well, thank you so much. Bye.
OK, I just got off the phone with them, and they said
that it's gonna cost, like, 10 grand minimum to fix,
and, like, I don't have that kind of money.
-Um... -Yeah.
Can you just ask your family for more money?
Craig: No, 'cause monthly stipend. And I've kind of been
maybe a little bit totally irresponsible with finances.
I may only have, like, $500 in my checking account,
which is fine, Joey, because fucking Amex.
But he needs cash, and I don't have cash.
Can you ask for a cash advance?
-No, I'm maxed out. -Craig.
I know, I know, I know! I'm fucking terrible.
I'm fucking awful. Joey, I'm 32 and I can't
fucking handle money. Do you have any money?
-Craig. -God, fuck, I know.
-Anything you can pawn? -Craig.
Craig: Right. Damn it! Fuck! I just--
Joey, I just, like, don't know what to do!
Joey: I mean, I guess-- I guess I could get a job.
Craig: Oh, my God. Like, could you really? For real?
Joey: I mean, I saw a "Help Wanted" sign
at the Coffee Roasters.
Oh, thank God. We're safe.
That's not gonna get us 10 grand, you idiot.
Craig: Right. OK, well, can you maybe, like, um,
like, I don't know, like, sell your computer?
- Or you could get a job. - Doing what, Joey?
I have a degree in philosophy.
The only job that I had was that 6 months
where I walked dogs for that evil fucking lesbian.
-Craig! -Fuck!
OK, game plan. You try to get a job,
I'm gonna try and get more money for my family.
And then, like, if that fucking fails,
I will just try to get a job or I'll kill myself.
Oh, God. It still smells like absolute shit in here.
-Girl, I know. Here. -What is this?
Silence of the Lambs cream.
-Ooh! It actually works. -Yeah. Your girl is scrappy.
I got the job.
Craig: Oh, my God, that's great news.
And guess what. I called my dad,
and he said that he'd give me 5 grand if I went to
the next family reunion. So, between that and your job,
I think that we could have it in, like, a month or two.
-Look at us. -We did it.
We solved our financial crisis.
Huzzah! How do you want to celebrate?
-How about cigarettes? -I can Uber Eats us some.
Joey: Maybe the shit water is a sign we should change.
Craig: Well, you got a job, so that's progress, right?
Whatever happened to your Japanese interpreter dreams?
Don't want to talk about that. I want cigarettes.
Joey: I so want to be an investigative journalist
for the "New York Times."
-That's impossible. -Don't be a bitch.
You're the one making me feel bad
about not being more successful. My trauma was--
Oh, my trauma. My trauma, my trauma. We get it.
You've been through some heinous shit.
Don't you want to move on?
Craig: What, like you moved on from yours?
-I started therapy. -Yeah, on my dime, bitch.
Oh, fuck me! My streak!
You're being insensitive.
Craig: Honey, just accept it. We're fucking trash pandas.
Sorry, not sorry.
Woman, muffled voice: Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Barista: Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you.
Woman: How could you not hear me? I'm 2 feet away from you!
Barista: How can I help you?
I asked for an iced
no iced latte with oat milk. This is whole milk.
Barista: Oh! So sorry about that.
But I also made that latte, and I made it with oat milk.
Woman: No, you didn't. It's whole milk.
I can taste the difference.
Barista: Do you want me to remake it for you?
Woman: Do I--
Excuse me, young lady!
Joey: Yeah, that's definitely oat milk.
-No, it's not! -Yes, it is. And the fact that
you can't tell the difference is astounding, actually.
Woman: What's astounding is you just being
in a coffee shop on a Tuesday morning.
Don't you Gen Z work?
Joey: Hey, I get it. You're divorced and your
15-year-old hates you, and your new husband
is fucking a nanny, and none of that is fixable.
So, you come down to coffee shops and you make
workers feel bad just because you have money.
You're not original, Karen.
You're just a sad fucking cliche.
Oh ho ho! Red wine! Red wine at 10:00 in the morning!
Aah aah aah!
Joey: I never got the job. I lied. I'm sorry.
Craig: I saw the sex tape.
Joey: Oh.
Craig: It's weird.
I feel like these days it's impossible to deny
the existence of aliens.
I just never thought the way that I'd find out
would be live-action hentai.
I never called my dad.
I just, like, couldn't, you know.
So, it looks like we're stuck with this situation
for the foreseeable future.
Joey: Brian invited us to his house,
his vacation home for the weekend.
Well, he invited me,
but I don't think he'll mind if you come.
Didn't he, like, really hurt you?
I mean, it looked like he did when you...
when you...
Joey: Yeah, but it was worth it.
"Be careful. It's hot."
"The queen loves clowns."
"Death is our fate."
"I want beer."
I do, though.
Joey: Let me do the talking.
Joey, distorted: Oh...
My lady. You are such a prepossessing sight.
What in the Shakespeare does that mean?
Brian: You must be Craig. A pleasure.
Laura: Welcome, you two. Where are your bags?
Joey: Uh, they're out front.
Craig: Oh, but you don't have to go to get them and--
Brian: That's what I pay her the big bucks for, Craig.
Let her take your baggage.
I want to give you the grand tour.
Craig: 'K.
Please don't come in here when I'm here.
Brian requests you wear this dress for dinner,
but I see you've grown a little soft.
So why don't I let it out a little first?
Laura, thank you. Can you please get out?
As you wish. A little something.
I've told you not to Q-Tip, sweetie.
It's bad for your ears.
Now, before we enjoy this
extremely nutritious and delicious sustenance
Laura spent hours making,
I can infer some tension in the air, can't I?
It's all right. I know.
Craig told us all about how you ended up here.
I'm sorry about your... shit-smelling house.
We had to use Silence of the Lambs cream and everything.
Ha! I don't know what that means.
Anyway... Now, Craig,
it is true what Joey says.
I am an alien, and I suppose I have the capability to...
let's say, be dangerous--
something I vowed never to do.
So, in the effort to be fully transparent,
a little demonstration.
Craig: Ah! Oh my God.
Is that, like, alien serum or something?
It's sugar-free lemonade powder.
Turns out my species is deathly allergic to it.
If you please.
Oww! Ooh...
Ooh!
Craig: Shit.
Brian: Ow! Uhh!
Now you know my weakness. You'll find several syringes
underneath the sink filled with it in case you need it.
-Enjoy your salmon. -He's fucking hot.
-Laura is weird. -She's fine.
Just always the bridesmaid, you know?
Craig: Yeah. Whatever. To be that close to that
kind of gorgeousness.
I mean, the track suit thing
is a little weird, but it works.
I don't know. It's just so hard to believe
he was so violent to you.
But I mean, you came back,
so it couldn't have been that bad.
Do you think he only likes you 'cause you're pretty?
I mean, whatever. Who the fuck cares if he does?
Because look at him.
Do you think you'll fuck him again?
I just might if you don't.
Joey: I can never tell when you're joking
or being serious.
Craig: Oh, my God! I'm totally joking.
God, no. I would for sure tell you
if I was being serious.
Plus, it's been so long, at this point,
I'm pretty sure my anus has dried up
and disappeared anyways.
Brian: Whoo! Ha ha ha!
Craig: Yeah, I'm a real-live fuck boy.
Laura: Ha ha! Craig: There was a moment
where, like, the energy was crackling,
and then, like, dolphin roll. I did a dolphin roll?
That was--hey!
Why didn't you wake me?
Craig: Oh, we tried, but you were snoring so deep.
We were just like, you know what?
She can get up whenever she wants to. Right?
I didn't know you could dance.
Craig: Me either, but Brian was teaching me,
and like, I felt-- Brian: Anybody can dance
if they work hard enough.
You may not get the moves right away, but if you have
the soul, you'll get it.
Craig: I got the soul. Laura: Yes, you do.
I do it every morning as meditation.
You'd be surprised how much better your day starts
when you dance it out.
Laura: Joey, do you want something to drink?
There'll be time for that later.
Now that you're awake,
it's time for me to help you, to help us all.
If the three of you will come with me,
it's time to change your lives.
Though I do have a 1,048-day streak on Duolingo,
so I might be being a little modest.
What?
Brian: I invite each of you to take a seat
in front of the chrysalis gigantum.
Brian: If everyone could take a deep breath.
And again.
The pollen from the trees should be taking effect now.
Your anuses are open. Excellent.
This chrysalis gigantum
is something I carried with me from my home planet.
It's been gestating and growing in here
thanks to the trees. And finally, it's ready to do
what it was meant to--
heal.
As with anything in life, it isn't free.
The crystal requires an offering
in the form of your past hardship.
You must take a moment from your life,
say it out in the open, and once that's done,
cut yourself with this knife, drip some of your blood.
If you're telling the truth, the blood will be absorbed.
If enough truth is laid out,
it will release a healing light.
At least it should.
I haven't actually tried this before.
So, who shall begin?
OK, I--I was molested by my uncle.
Ah! Fuck!
Brian: You only have to cut your finger for it to work.
Oh. Um...
Brian: Not to worry.
I'll heal you after the session.
So...who's next?
The more in-depth the story you tell,
the more energy you give it.
Craig: OK, I guess what happened to me is kind of bad.
Um, so we used to have these family reunions
on my mom's side and they were like, these massive affairs,
like a lot of liquor, and my uncle would
always slip me some.
And he was like, the cool uncle.
Anyways, the first time that it happened,
I was trying to go to sleep.
And my door had a lock on it, but you could pick it
with a screwdriver, and he did.
And he was barely aware of his surroundings.
He stumbled and fell onto my bed, crushing my body.
I was, like, 11 years old. But he started snoring,
so I pushed him off and I fell asleep.
But then, the next family reunion...
he didn't stumble. No.
He crawled on top of me deliberately,
and he started, um...
like, growling like a lion?
And then...
If you could?
Oh. Uh, yeah.
Brian: Yeah.
Brian: Joey? Joey: Um...
growing up, I was in and out of five different foster homes
and I never had any good parental figures.
I had one good foster sister, Amy.
She was so nice.
Her mother died in childbirth, but she always wore
her mother's necklace.
Mine just didn't want me, I guess.
Joey: One day, I asked to borrow the necklace,
and she almost said yes, but then said no,
and I got so upset that the next day,
I accused her of stealing money, but they saw
right through me, and I got so embarrassed
that I lashed out and I bit her arm.
The next day, they sent me to a different home...
and that memory still haunts me.
Brian: Quick, quick! Everyone touch the crystal!
Joey: Don't you and Laura need to share more?
Brian: There'll be time for that later.
The glow is ready now. Don't you want to feel better?
Craig: Huh!
Laura: Enjoying yourself?
Get out!
Laura: If you break his heart again--
That's none of your business.
You think I don't see who you really are?
You use your traumatic childhood
as a pheromone to attract all those stupid enough
to take care of you, and then you suck 'em dry.
I see with Brian, and I see it with Craig.
Get the fuck out of my bathroom.
Now!
Get out!
Don't raise your voice at me, chica.
Joey: Craig!
Laura: I don't think you got deep enough
to get all the wax out.
Let me help you. Joey: Aah!
Where are Laura and Craig?
Brian: They're in their healing light.
-So, still tripping balls? -Bingo.
Joey: Laura may be a bitch sometimes,
but she sure knows how to cook. Heh!
You shouldn't be too harsh on her.
She's--she's had a tough life.
-Who hasn't? -She was born into a cult.
It was small, on a farm.
Man was claiming to be the second coming,
but he was sleeping with all the women.
She ran away when she was 14.
She started traveling around, looking for meaning,
but she kept getting it wrong.
New man of God, same fatal flaw.
She probably wouldn't
appreciate me telling you this.
What's that?
It was my mother's.
She gave it to me before she died.
You never told me what happened.
Well, after the fourth quasar nexus, we knew
we could no longer stay in the city.
We had to find a more temperate climate,
but our military had taken over the government.
Now, there were numerous checkpoints
set up to get out of the city.
We had to try. It was our only option.
Miraculously,
we made it to just inside the city limits,
only one more checkpoint to go.
In case we were separated,
my mother, she kneeled down
and gave me this necklace of our family crest.
She said if I revealed it to certain people,
they'd take care of me.
As we were about to continue forward,
that's when we were ambushed.
They held her down, I had to watch
as they...
Joey: You've suffered so much.
What you said in the room...
you never told me that before.
Joey: I like to think it's behind me, but...
it's not.
Maybe I'm better for it.
You deserve a mother's necklace.
Even if it isn't yours.
Shall we have cross-species intercourse?
I haven't had intercourse, cross-species
or otherwise, since.
Oh. I understand.
It's all my fault.
I now know how scary it was when I lost control.
But you have to know my touch can only take you so far
into healing your wounds.
If you embrace me, fully,
we can make your mind go quiet forever.
Don't you want that?
Joey: Mm.
Distant man: Help!
Brian?
Joey?
Laura?
Hello?
Everything OK?
Joey?
Brian?
What are you doing here?
Jesus! Shitballs!
Fuck! You scared me.
Um...
I...I thought I heard screams.
Maybe it was the machinery I use to water my plants?
I should lubricate it.
Gets rusty, unfortunately.
I've been lazy.
Craig: Oh, my God. Well, I--I totally get that.
I--I get being lazy. I'm a big...
lazy piece of shit.
No, you are not.
Well, no, I--I know. I'm--it's just...
it's my sense of humor.
I'm not convinced calling yourself
a lazy piece of shit is humorous.
Oh. Yeah.
Um...OK.
Would do you like to have cross-species intercourse
with me?
Uh, aren't you, like, with Joey?
What does that have to do with what I asked?
Craig: Oh.
I mean, yeah, you're...
you're really hot, and so I wouldn't say...
Craig: Oh.
Oh, my God. Is this really happening?
Oh, my God.
I had sex with Brian last night.
I know.
It was bad before, I know, but I just--
I forgot how good it feels to have his tentacles
on my skin.
My mind just went quiet.
For the first time in five years,
I was just quiet.
There's no sadness, no anxiety, just...
pure, unadulterated... peace.
And I've been searching for it for so long,
but I think it's changed now. I can feel it.
I don't even feel like I need to vape.
Oh, my God, me, too. Like, I know exactly
what you mean, like-- like--the--the quiet.
I had a pleasant dream for the first time
in, like, a decade last night. Joey: Mm.
Craig: Was so tender and warm.
There was no shame. It was just, like, light.
He made me feel so...
wanted.
Wow.
You--you got all that from crystal therapy?
Craig in Japanese: Iko, iko, iko itte, kudasai!
Thank you so much for bringing me.
I never thought that I would find happiness, but then...
I've never seen you wear that necklace before.
Yeah, it was Brian's mother's.
So sweet, right? Craig: Oh...
He's waiting downstairs for us.
He's gonna give us therapy assignments.
Today, I want to separate you two.
Craig,
you have a journey outside, coordinated by Laura.
But before we go,
Joey.
Excuse me.
I feel like I owe you an apology.
I know Brian told you
of the first commune I was a part of.
And while I was there, I was extremely
addicted to heroin.
I had a child.
There were no cribs.
We all slept in the same...
And during one of my, uh...
I...
rolled over on t--
top of him and, uh...
His name was Peter.
That's what I would have shared
in the crystal room yesterday.
What color were Peter's eyes?
Brown.
Deep...
soulful...
tiny specks of gold.
I hope we all realize what's happening here.
We don't have to live constrained by
the ideals of pain.
We can have freedom.
Craig, please follow Laura.
Craig, whispering: I was kinda hoping we could do
that thing that-- Brian, scoffing: Later.
But, later, I promise.
Laura: Heh!
What was that about?
Doctor-patient privilege, my dear.
OK, but I thought there were supposed to be no secrets.
If you'd be so kind, you need to go to the crystal room.
You get it all to yourself.
OK, but before I go, do you think you could just...
I'm feeling a little anxious.
The crystal will help.
And tonight, I'll help even more.
Craig doesn't know what happened to me. No one does.
Well, two people do, but...
their names don't deserve to be said out loud.
Amy saw him come into our room, and she heard me
try to scream as he put his hands over my mouth.
And what did I get?
A Barbie Dreamhouse?
An ice cream party with all the fucking fixings?
Money? No.
But Amy sure did.
She was so stuffed full of hush money, by the time
I got the courage to tell my fifth-grade teacher,
Social Services got involved,
she lied to them.
You want to know why I fucking bit her?
I bit that bitch because she pretended to be asleep
night after night, while he, who doesn't deserve
to have his name said out loud, touched me in ways
that I never deserved for two fucking years.
I wish death on you, Amy.
I wish death on you more than them.
I wish I could take a knife to your throat
and cut you ear to ear
and watch the blood flow out of your open wound,
like the Hoover Dam.
You were a child. You didn't know any better.
Well, guess fucking what? So was I.
God, this shit's so dark.
Who the fuck cares?
I'm a piece of shit anyway.
Maybe I deserved it.
Hello?
Distant man: Help!
Distant man: Somebody help me!
Oh! Oh, shit!
Ah! No. No!
River: Oh.
Bitch, come inside. We're about to watch
"Austin Powers 2." Noah, scoffing: Why?
Because we're on acid, and it's hilarious.
I secretly plan on playing all three
and seeing if anyone notices. Noah: Were you even alive
when those movies were made? River: Yes.
Wait. Maybe.
I'll be there in a second.
Fine. Whatever.
Be filled with millennial ennui.
He's in his boring era.
Why even come if you're not gonna do drugs?
Because I'm sober, River.
Oh. It's not an excuse.
River, distantly: I can't believe we're watching
"Austin Powers 2." Who's doing this?
Whoa.
Heh!
Hello, Noah.
Ah, I want to thank you.
By coming here, you've found yourself part
of something...bigger.
And together, we'll change the world.
In the meantime,
get some rest.
Soon we'll have cross-species intercourse.
No. Wait.
Wait! Please! Come back, please!
I didn't do anything! Please!
Help! Somebody help!
Please! Help!
Help!
Please!
Brian: I was convinced he'd be compatible
-Because he was attractive? -I don't only have
cross-species intercourse with attractive people.
-Do I? -Yeah, you do tend to have
a, uh, visual taste that might not
necessarily be conducive with your mission.
I shall mull this over.
Laura: My head would never explode.
Did you hear me?
Brian: I refuse to indulge this request again.
Why?
You know why.
Tsk.
I'm still attractive.
Notice that wasn't a question.
I know you see me that way.
I catch you staring in between feedings.
I tempt you.
Use me.
Use me as you have countless others.
Lift me up into the air.
Enter me with your lubricated appendages.
Impregnate me with your seed.
We can become one.
I could be your queen.
Make sure you clean the wedges in the trees.
Gray matter always gets jammed in there.
Craig: My God! Joey! Hey!
What the fuck? What? What happened? What happened?
I...I...
Craig: You're scaring me. All right, all right.
All right, all right, breathe, breathe.
Breathe, 1, 2, 3...
4, out, 1, 2, 3.
Brian: Eureka. Joey: Aah!
I found you at last.
Joey, you look extremely unwell.
Craig: She was having a really bad panic attack.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Panic is a nightmare.
Yeah, it is. I just went
too far and I panicked and Craig fixed it.
Joey: Oh... Brian: Better?
Joey, breathlessly: May I have some more?
Later.
First, we must bury you in dirt.
Brian: Now, the only thing you two must do
is breathe through this exercise.
The dirt you're sitting in is absorbing all
of the anxiety, all of the stress,
all of the unnecessary emotions that feed
your inner lizard monsters.
Now, if you please,
take a deep breath in...
and out.
Ah. Craig: Ah.
Now I'm about to do something
you might not like, but ultimately,
information needs to be revealed in order for us
all to move on. I must admit
I am the perpetrator of this bad news.
Craig: No, Brian, I--I--
I don't think-- Brian: Shh, shh.
On the same night
that we had cross-species intercourse...
I also had cross-species intercourse with Craig.
I know. I should have discussed it with you first.
But there's something about you two together,
something so wonderful and magical.
It makes me agog with anticipation.
Joey, I am so sorry!
I am so, so sorry!
There's no need to apologize to her, Craig.
It's all my own doing.
You were here, I desired you, I took you.
But I also want her.
I want you both.
Oh, Joey, I'm sorry. Truly, I am so sorry.
I never, never intended it to be this way.
I didn't, I just--I-- I don't fucking know!
He's just so nice, and I just, like, I just, like,
needed something nice, you know what I mean?
I am so, so sorry.
Sorry, Joey.
Brian, distorted, slow motion: Breathe through the dirt,
Joey. Breathe, Joey. Craig, normal voice: Joey.
You have to breathe. Brian, still distorted: Joey.
Craig: Joey, you have to breathe.
-You got it now, Joey. -Breathe.
Breathe into the dirt, Joey. Brian, distorted: You got it
now, Joey. You got it now, Joey.
Craig: Breathe into the dirt. Brian, distorted: Breathe!
Craig: Please, you have to breathe into the dirt.
Echoing: You have to breathe into the dirt.
Breathe, Joey, come on, you have to breathe into the dirt.
You have to breathe into the dirt, please, please!
Brian, normal voice: Breathe, Joey, come on. you have to--
Craig: Joey.
I need to tell you something.
OK.
You should go. Take the car.
I involved you in this, and I--I just--
it's my responsibility to keep you safe.
Craig: Well, why-- why don't we both leave?
Yeah. No. Right. No. We will. But you should go first.
-Why me first? -Like I just said--
You should leave first because you are in
a much more mentally precarious position than I am.
You should let me deal with this.
-What? What? -What? What?
Joey: Hmm?
So you... you don't want to stay?
-Oh, my God, no! -Ha ha!
Oh, my God! What he's doing is horrible!
We both need to leave, but you first.
I'm just trying to protect you.
Right.
No bad ideas.
What if, like...
we both didn't go? Heh heh!
-Brian's mine! -You bitch!
I knew it! I fucking knew it!
Oh, my God! You don't care that he's murdering people
at all, do you? Joey: I do care!
Do you?! Craig: Yes, I care! I just--
the feeling that he gives-- Joey: Is mine!
You don't deserve it! Craig: Oh, my God!
I share everything with you, everything
for five fucking years! And this is how you repay me?
Are you fucking kidding me?!
You hate seeing me happy. Yeah.
The one time, the one time
I find pure bliss, and you want to keep it all
to yourself? Fuck you! I'm staying--
Aah! Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. -Oh, my God, Joey!
Why did you do that? Joey: I'm so sorry!
Craig: Oh, my God! What the fuck?
What the fuck?! You don't do that shit to people!
Craig: You got a pretty watch.
Craig: I want a pink dress.
Craig: I will buy shoes
for my grandmother.
Brian requests you meet him for a walk.
He also requests you wear this.
Craig: What about me? Laura: There just might be
something special for you in your closet.
Why don't you go take a look?
Brian: I observe that you're stressed.
Sorry if I'm upset that I just learned my boyfriend is
fucking my best friend.
Oh, this is all Craig's fault.
He didn't just trip and fall on my tentacle appendage.
I had to transform. There were two of us.
He required warming up. The anus is a complicated--
OK, just stop. Just stop, please.
I now require both of you.
I know that's a lot to take in,
but you must be OK with this.
I'd hate to end our relationship,
but I will if necessary.
Do you think, before dinner tonight,
you could...you know?
I'm just really anxious, and you haven't done it
since this morning.
Let's...see how you behave at dinner.
Brian: So, what's this?
Laura: Roasted cauliflower,
sweet potatoes, and herb chicken.
Brian: Seems a little complicated for my palate, no?
Joey: Looks delicious, Laura.
Wine, Craig?
Of course you want wine.
When have you ever said no to alcohol?
He touched you, didn't he?
Please, Joey, you're embarrassing yourself.
I'd like to propose a toast.
Everything's out in the open now,
which I am, frankly, relieved by.
I know things might be awkward for a few days,
but I hope very soon we'll all be able
to really view each other as family to family.
Don't.
Brian, Craig is a traitor, and he poisoned the wine.
This is so tragic.
Joey: He knows about the man that you ate,
and I told him you'd have a good explanation,
and he didn't want to hear it.
So he took the sugar-free lemonade powder
from underneath the kitchen, and he poisoned the wine.
Craig: Ah, honey, that would be all fine and well
if there weren't literally fucking cameras everywhere.
Joey: Yeah. And once you know where the cameras are,
they're easy to avoid.
Craig: Oh, my God. You just told on yourself.
Joey, this is really sad. Please.
Craig on recording: No, this is unreal.
He can't! Murder is wrong.
We have to do something, Joey.
He told us where the sugar-free lemonade powder is.
We have to-- This has to be stopped.
He has to be--
Craig: You conniving little-- Brian: Sleep.
What?
What the fuck? What the-- what the fuck?
Brian: I had that tracksuit specially made,
and this is how you repay me?
No, Brian. She deep-faked my voice.
You have to believe me.
Brian: I don't know what that means.
-It's this, like-- -Enough!
The only one who deep-faked anything is you.
You faked your deep love,
toyed with my emotions.
Craig: No, I didn't, I didn't. I didn't do that.
I promise you, I didn't do that.
Brian: I must dance.
Craig: Brian, don't. Don't dance. Brian?
Fucking bitch!
You fucking duplicitous bitch!
Joey: I'm sorry things worked out the way they did.
Brian: So am I, my love. So am I.
My meditations have brought me a revelation:
I must devour Craig.
I know. I promised to let him go,
but I think the only way to move past this
is to devour him.
It's best for all of us but especially me.
I understand.
Really?
Yeah.
Craig will never be happy.
I think you're doing him a kindness.
Just when I think I can't fall for you anymore, I do.
And you, me, yes?
Do you think you could just...?
Brian: Oh.
Joey: That's all?
Brian: I must prepare my body. He will be devoured tonight.
And later, we'll have cross-species intercourse,
I promise.
Brian? Brian?
Brian?
Brian, you've got to listen to me.
I did not plan to kill you. Joey's a fucking liar.
You've got to kill her before it's too late.
I'm not tasty. I don't work out. She does.
I vape so much, I'm practically made of nicotine,
but she doesn't. Please.
You fucking bitch, I'll kill you!
Shut the fuck up. I'm trying to rescue you.
-Wait. Really? -Whisper, you idiot.
I only thought he'd kick you out.
I didn't think he would try to kill you.
I'm not a bad person.
Run.
Craig: What are you gonna do?
Joey: He loves me. I'll take my chances. Uh!
Run!
Shit!
Hello, Joey.
I was wondering if your pussy gave off
some kind of irresistible pheromone.
You know, something to explain
his utter fascination with you.
But, alas, it smells so unbelievably normal.
Craig almost made it to the car...
but, fortunately, he was making a large enough racket
that Brian woke up, rushed to the garage,
and caught him before he could escape.
He's back in his cage now,
missing his left hand, of course.
No, no, no, no.
Shh, shh, shh. We're not doing that.
Your time is almost up, sweetheart.
I don't have to do a thing.
I made up that story about Peter, by the way.
I'm a good actor, aren't I?
Joey, what are you doing here?
You need to shut up and listen.
I know, I know. I don't have a leg to stand on,
and, yes, I did help Craig escape,
but can you blame me? He's my best friend.
But despite all that, I need you to listen to me.
Laura is a bad person.
She's trying to take you away from me,
and I can't--I can't let that happen again, OK?
You--you make my brain go quiet.
You make me feel so loved.
You can have Laura, you can have Craig.
You can have a whole harem if you want.
I just--Please, please don't leave me.
Please don't make me leave you. Please.
Just, like, I need you.
Oh, shush. Oh, my darling angel.
It's going to be OK.
I know she is.
What?
Brian: Laura has been growing more and more unstable
every day.
She's been trying to sabotage our relationship
from the beginning.
I think Craig's addition hit her too hard.
She's desired me for ages.
Don't worry. I forgive you for Craig.
We'll deal with her...
and then we can put all this behind us.
Really?
Ohh, of course.
Ohh, you are my everything.
Your deep love for me was never faked.
It was all real--all of it.
Brian: Oh!
Laura: Finally.
Finally, finally, finally!
Brian: Sleep.
I have just one question for you, one question.
Was it all a lie?
No. Brian, please.
Please let me out of this cage.
No. Attempted murderers stay in cages.
Laura injected you with the sugar-free lemonade powder.
Don't you remember? Or are you Laura?
Brian: I am me.
The only thing left of her are a few memories.
Soon those will go.
-Check the cameras. -You disabled the cameras.
-No, no, no, no. Laura-- -Enough!
Brian, please, please. My anxiety is so bad.
Would you please just touch me and make my brain go quiet?
And then we could--
You filthy liar!
Stop talking! Just stop!
Your betrayals are too many
and your truths too few.
I loved you.
But for the life of me, I still do.
I don't know what I'm going to do with you.
But until I decide, you will remain there.
Craig: Jig's up, sis.
He knows who you really are now.
My God.
I think that climate change thing was a fucking lie.
You think he's going to "Animorphs" us?
I can't believe this. I knew it.
I knew. I knew that this was too good to be true,
and I never should have listened to you.
I'm going to fucking die because of you.
Joey: You came here on your own volition,
and not 12 hours ago.
you were willing to let him do fucking anything
to make your anxiety go away.
Brian: Yeah, because I was dickmotized.
This is all your fucking fault.
Where would you be without me?
How many times did you say
if I didn't validate your every thought
that you'd kill yourself?
It's your fucking catchphrase.
Why do you think I never left?
Craig: Because I paid for every goddamn thing.
Where would you be without my money?
Joey: Probably on the street, but it'd be better
than being emotionally tied to some baby
who can't let go of his trauma.
Craig: I was fucking molested!
So was I, you dolt.
Yes, by a frat boy, like, one fucking time.
Big whup.
No, you moron. By my fucking foster parents.
-What? -Yeah.
I was never going to tell you, but, you know,
I'm glad you know now,
because now you can stop parading your trauma around me
like some sad little worm.
Oh, fuck you.
You ruined my life.
My brain will never go quiet. He'll never--
Craig: Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?
Are you still worried about the heroin skin?
Bitch, we're going to die.
He's got you so addicted, so addicted,
just like I was.
Have fun with the withdrawals.
And when they get real bad, which they will.
and you feel the need to reach out to someone for comfort,
I just want you to know I don't give a fucking shit
about you anymore.
Joey: I did one bad thing.
You have been a bad person your whole life.
Insecure, loud, sad.
And when you die, I hope you know you deserve it.
Joey: Oh, fuck.
Brian: Ohh. It's lost, unfortunately.
But I can make it clean.
I'm still deliberating with Death, but I'll be back soon.
Both: Twinsies.
Joey: I think I can get us out of here.
Craig: What'd you have in mind?
Joey: Before you say anything,
the two of us have been talking,
and I think we have a proposal.
Go on.
Craig: We don't want to die. Joey: Right.
A lot has been said, but I think we've been so vicious
because-- Craig: There are feelings...
Joey: Between all three of us. Craig: which is, like,
so confusing because I'm not even remotely straight.
Joey: It's not just your touch, Brian. We--we want you.
And I know we've done some awful things,
but so have you. Craig: Right,
like lying about your planet dying to climate change.
Brian: I was not lying about that.
Joey: Brian, you're a parasitic worm.
There's no way you had a civilization.
Ah, I don't--
Craig: Like, I'm not a scientist,
but I have seen a lot of movies, and Joey's right.
OK. Yes, those were lies.
Joey: And that's OK. That's OK.
Because we can fix it with-- Craig: The crystal.
Joey: Yeah, let's do it.
Let's go to the crystal room
and lay it all out on the table.
Craig: And when it's all out on the table,
we see how the crystal reacts. And if it's positive...
Joey: We help you with your operation
to turn every human being
into one giant parasitic Brian network.
That's all I wanted.
Joey: Really? Brian: Yes, yes.
Well, I can't believe I didn't think of this.
This is the perfect way to fix everything.
Craig: Yeah?
And to think I was going to devour you.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha! I was gonna eat you.
Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom!
Craig: Right. Uh...
I'll go first.
So there's a lot about my life that I hate,
and I want to figure out, what to do with it.
but booze and vapes and drugs are so much easier to do.
And because I don't have to work, I can,
if I play my cards right, just sit in my house
and collect hush money checks for the rest of my life.
It's a sad fucking existence.
And there comes a point where I have to realize, like,
if I just sit in this garbage pile of an existence,
if I don't try to, like, do anything with my life,
try to pick myself up out of the heinous shit
that's happened to me,
that I'm just doomed to become an angry, bitter gay
who pushes everybody away.
And, Joey, I brought you down with me.
I brought you all the way down into my infinite sadness
because I needed somebody to excuse
all of my bad behaviors,
someone who needed me so badly
that I could get away with so much, and it just...
wouldn't fucking matter.
And I think because of that...
I lost you.
And it's my fault.
It is. It's my fucking fault.
I hate that I agree...
because we aren't good for each other.
But you saved me.
And when I showed up at your door,
I was so grateful that you didn't ask any questions.
But I was also so angry
that you didn't ask me any questions.
I was so broken, and you didn't ask me why.
But you're so young...
And when you're that young, you're so self-involved,
it's easy to ignore all the terrible things
that can exist between friends.
And I just keep thinking about
how this thread between us just keeps dwindling
to the point where a single breath might break it.
And I think it's time for us to grow apart.
And I hate it,
but I don't know what other option we have.
I wish you well. I do. I really do.
Wow, that was deep stuff, Joey. Congratulations.
I suppose it's, um, my turn
to, um, share, yes?
Craig: Mm-hmm. Brian: Yes.
Um, the truth is...
I'm--I'm not sure where I came from.
I woke up on Earth with no recollections.
Maybe that makes me five.
So I'm, like, five years old.
So no wonder it's, I get so emotional all the time.
Look, I want to be honest from now on.
I love you two.
So...
Joey: Brian.
Craig: That is not what we wanted.
-That was honest. -Brian.
Brian: I want you two by my side,
and I want to take over the world with my seed.
I apologize for the cages.
-Why? -Because, oh, I don't know.
You did try to murder me.
Do you still believe that?
I don't--I do. I don't.
I don't know. I'm confused.
Laura's memories, they're like--
Joey: Do you think murdering people is OK?
Brian: I don't know. My mind says murder,
and I say OK.
So you just have, like, no remorse at all?
I give people the best cross-species intercourse
of their lifetime.
It's a gift.
And although the trees do not take away carbon dioxide,
I am saving the planet.
Think of it. It's a full symbiotic world.
There's no war, no pollution. It's only perfect balance.
-You weren't listening. -I was listening.
No, you weren't. Oh, my God.
Brian, you're such a fucking narcissist.
-Am not. -Yes, you are!
You're making clones of yourself
to take over the world, which, by the way,
why do they all have to look like you?
Craig: Yeah. Why? Wouldn't it make more sense
to, like, make them look like different people,
so that it would prevent other people from catching on?
Brian: I am the perfect specimen.
Why would I not bless people with my beauty?
-Narcissist. -He is hot, though.
Irregardless.
Also, you talk so strangely.
How? The spores,
they--they should make you pliant, make you calm.
You should not be this mean.
Craig: Mm-hmm. Yeah,
except we're not under your pheromone spell.
Nope.
We're clear-minded, full-hearted,
and we can't lose.
How?
"Silence of the Lambs" scream, bitch.
Brian: Oh! Craig: Just...
call it sex, you fucking psycho!
"Cross-species intercourse"!
is a weird thing to call alien fucking!
Joey: Run!
Brian: Joey!
Oh, my God. Joey, it's inside me.
Joey: What the fuck did-- What the fuck?
Craig: Fuck! Joey: Where is it?
Craig: Look. It's in my stomach.
Oh, God. Oh! But he's moving. Joey: What?
Joey, you have to cut it out of me. Now.
Brian: Joey?! Craig: Please.
Joey: OK. You have to lift up your shirt.
Wait. Don't judge my body.
No, 'cause you have fucking abs, Craig!
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Joey: Oh, God. OK.
Brian: Joey!
Joey: Please don't die. Craig: Do it. Do it.
Joey: Fuck.
Joey: Oh, fuck! Craig: What?
Joey: Fucker bit me. Craig: Joey?
Joey: Hold on, Craig. Craig: Oh, God, Joey.
He's breaking through.
Fuck, Joey!
I got him! Oh, fuck you!
Fuck you. Brian: Joey?
Joey: Shit! Fucking worm! Fucking worm!
Brian: No. You didn't. No. No.
Craig: That's right.
We aborted your fucking spawn, bitch.
It's not fair.
This whole rift between you two, I'm not even involved.
You two resented each other from the moment you met.
If you truly loved each other,
if you were willing to join together with me,
we could have had it all.
I'm such an ignoramus,
the real victim in this situation.
If I hadn't fallen for your elegance and beauty,
I'd have succeeded, this world would have been saved.
Craig: Is he for fucking real?
Brian: We can. We can still fix this, Joey.
We can. You still love me, don't you?
Joey: I...
Brian: I'll give you my touch whenever you want.
You'll never have to worry again. No more anxiety,
as much cross-species-- I mean sex as you want.
Please?
You're the most beautiful specimen I've ever seen.
I'm so lonely. Craig: What?
Brian: Please?
Craig: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: You swear?
Yes.
Please don't leave me. I'm not a bad person.
I have a mission.
You agree with the mission, don't you?
I--I don't know.
Be with me. Be my queen.
Let me rid you of your worries.
Joey: I'm your one and only?
Brian: Yes. Joey: Your only queen?
Yes, whatever you want.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Craig: Oh, fuck.
Fucking--I'm gonna beat--you fucking--
Just die, you fucking bitch.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you kidding me?!
Were you actually gonna betray me?
Joey: I was giving you time to kill him!
Craig: Oh, fuck.
Joey: OK. Need your hand. Here. Put pressure on it.
Put pressure on it.
I'll call for help.
He really did only love you because you're hot, right?
That's, like, so fucked up, man.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
Tell--tell me I'm a good-- good person.
Tell--tell me I'm--I'm--good, I'm not--I'm not bad.
People--people like me.
I'm a good p--I'm a good--
Craig? Craig?
Craig?
No. No, Craig!
No!
I buried Craig in the desert, which was hard to do,
because of the whole one-hand thing, but I did it,
and I made a large batch of sugar-free lemonade,
and I poured it all over the remaining planters,
His enclave was destroyed.
So the story was real?
Yes.
Therapist: I see.
So how did Laura transform
without being planted in the pot?
Is it because it was an original copy
and it didn't require gestation?
Does the pot speed up the process,
or does it just guarantee perfect copies?
And so if you don't, it'll go awry.
And the man in the cage exploded because he
wasn't compatible, right?
How come you didn't get impregnated?
Did he use, like, an alien condom,
or he just wasn't able to turn you,
and that is why he was so intrigued by you?
Shouldn't you be asking me how I feel about Craig's death?
How--how do you feel?
I think he deserved to live his dreams,
and I feel like he was about to.
And it's my fault he never will,
and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Joey: Red.
Joey: Blue.
Joey: Mother.
Joey: Alien.
Joey: Tree.
Joey: Clone.
Joey: Kill.