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Suzie.
I knew from the very first night I met you,
somehow only three months ago...
...that the two of us
would be standing up here today.
Kevin, if someone told me I was gonna marry
the guy who wore sweatpants to our first real date...
...I'd have told them to get their head checked.
It's been a whirlwind,
and yet I feel like I've known you my whole life.
Every day I learn something new about you,
and every day I fall in love with you all over again.
I love the way you tease me,
I love your little smirk
that tells me you're up to something.
I love the way you make me laugh.
How you truly get me.
I promise to always be your greatest ally,
your protector,
your knight in shining armor.
My goofball,
my utterly shameless karaoke partner.
I promise to love you...
To support and respect you.
In the happy times, and the not so happy ones.
To be faithful, patient,
and yes, forgiving.
And to always, always fight for us.
Stay away from my wife.
You don't know what I'm capable of.
Kevin!
Shit! Just a minute!
Did you not get my text? I'm double-parked.
Oh, sorry, just two seconds.
All right, I'll wait downstairs.
Oh, hey, uh, do you mind if I drive?
Kevin, I'm stressed as it is.
You don't want to spoil the surprise, do you?
♪ In every movie I watch from the '50s ♪
♪ There's only one thought that swirls ♪
♪ Around my head now ♪
♪ That's that everyone there on the screen ♪
♪ Yeah, everyone there on the screen ♪
♪ Well, they're all dead now ♪
♪ They're all dead now ♪
♪ And it ain't easy living above ♪
♪ And I can't help but keep falling in love ♪
♪ With bones and ashes ♪
Thanks for agreeing to spend the weekend with me.
Of course.
You know, I've really been working on myself.
Oh yeah? Yeah. Yeah.
I made a lot of... a lot of changes, good ones.
That's great, Kev.
You know I never asked you to change, right?
After you left, you know, I took a long,
hard look at myself, and, uh... don't know,
I think you're gonna be in for a surprise this weekend.
You may not even recognize your own husband.
After two months?
Yeah, that would be quite the surprise, Kev.
Can you look at the road, please?
Sorry. Yeah.
Yeah, you know, I've really been using our break
to get healthier.
Hmm.
Yeah, I've been going out on a lot more auditions,
which is nice, exercising.
Kev, I appreciate what you're trying to do. I--
My point is, Suzie, that I think this break
has actually been really good for us.
And now that it's over, I think this getaway
is exactly what we need.
You know, like a second honeymoon.
Just you and me,
and a nice, romantic weekend.
Kevin!
♪ More than ever ♪
♪ There's no hands on the levers ♪
♪ I want to feel the pressure ♪
♪ Of God, or whatever ♪
♪ Or whatever ♪
Hey, uh, mind if I pull over up here?
Need to use the bathroom.
Hey, there's a line!
And there's a fellow in there already!
We'll just be two minutes.
Ernie?
Oh. Hey, bud. How's it going?
What the fuck? What's the emergency?
You tell me. I mean, you barged in here, so...
You said code yellow.
Oh, right, 'cause I had to stop to pee,
but it's way more of a code brown.
Code yellow means emergency.
Oh, I'm sorry I didn't guest star
on Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Tyler.
Oh, that doesn't work.
God, it reeks in here.
No need to be rude, but okay.
Hey, while I have you, I would love to run some dialogue tweaks by you.
The script is fine the way it is.
Kevin, how long have we been in acting class together, bro?
You know I have an ear for that type of stuff.
Brother, if this scene is not 100% authentic,
she's gonna see right through you.
You're not listening to me, are you?
Fucking miss her, man.
This plan has to work.
I need to show her that I can step up, you know?
I know, and that's why we gotta get this right, right?
I know. We do this right,
she's gonna be so impressed. Oh, yeah,
so impressed she'll run straight into your arms
and then boom, brother! Boom.
You're a motherfucking hero! What's up? Come on!
All right, see you tonight.
Ten o'clock, do not be late.
We're gonna save your fucking marriage, dude.
Almost there. Suzie!
Suzie! Hey! You awake?
Yep, I am now.
How far are we from the resort?
Who said anything about a resort?
Please don't tell me we're camping.
No. We are not.
Just want to see how long it takes you to guess.
No, you didn't.
I did.
It's all ours for the weekend.
Your dad said he hasn't used it in years.
You spoke to my dad?
Well, uh, his secretary.
He's in Bangkok. Or Boise. Something.
Uh, but Jenny said that you guys used to come here every summer.
Kevin, you... Wha--
Why didn't you ask me?
Because I was being romantic. What's the matter, honey?
I thought this would make you happy.
Yeah, it's... it's fine.
I'll take it.
Shit.
The pink champagne you ordered, madam.
Thanks.
You look very familiar.
You remind me of a dear girl I met once
at an Irish pub on West 14th Street,
what was it, uh, two years ago.
A couple of Wall Street knuckleheads were hassling her.
So what did I do?
Hmm. Your accent changed.
No, it-- Yes, it did.
It did? Oh, yeah.
Deal with it. So what did I do?
Marched right over there,
and I rescued her from those goons
like a proper white knight.
And then I did what I do best.
I made her laugh.
At one point, she looked me straight in the eye.
She said, "Do you want to get out of here?"
To which I responded, "And go where?"
How about Aruba?
"How about Aruba?"
You weren't messing around.
You got us two round-trip tickets before I could buy you
a second drink, and I knew right then and there
that I would do anything to make you happy.
Honey, I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about the house.
Honestly, I thought it would bring back good memories.
Let me make it up to you.
I'm going to cook us a Michelin-star dinner.
Kev, just hang on.
I see how hard you're trying.
I do.
This isn't our second honeymoon.
This is our first night after the separation.
Break.
I think we just need to ease into it.
I have to figure out if this is something
that still works for me.
Yep. Of course.
So what do you want to do?
What do you want to do?
Yahtzee?
Let's-Let's just get out of this house, okay?
Let's go to a bar.
Wait, really?
Yeah, let's see if we could just have a good time together.
Well, I-I am having a-a good time here.
♪ She got those blue jeans painted ♪
♪ Wanna get acquainted ♪
♪ With that five-foot-nine ♪
♪ Blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl ♪
You want another round?
Uh, yeah, sure.
♪ She's on the dance floor shaking ♪
♪ Like it's earthquaking ♪
♪ She's a hurricane blowing through this place ♪
Jesus Christ.
Excuse me, what's your Wi-Fi?
♪ She makes me weak with that Southern drawl ♪
♪ She owns my heart when she says "y'all" ♪
No effin' way.
Suzie Stone?
Heather. Oh my God, am I dreaming?
'Cause I... I really never thought that I'd see you again.
Oh my God, come here. How long has it been?
I mean, let's not do the math, okay?
How on earth do you look so friggin' young?
We're supposed to be the same age, aren't we?
Heather, you look incredible.
Pfft. I don't. I don't.
Oh, this is my coworker Murphy.
This is my husband. Mr. Softie, right?
He's in the commercials.
You are Mr. Softie, aren't you?
I mean, that's one of the roles I've played, but Kevin is fine.
Nice. Mr. Softie.
Kevin. Uh, how--
Sorry, how do you two know each other?
We...
Well, Heather,
come on.
Ho-ga. Bo-ga.
Wapanoga.
Best camp north of Saratoga!
Oh!
Heather and I went to camp together
right across the lake. We were best friends.
You were best friends with everyone.
Oh, please, that's not true.
You were. I was just waiting all year for the summer
because I knew I'd get to see you.
But then one summer, you didn't come back.
I was so heartbroken.
Um, you-you guys work together?
What... what do you do?
Oh, yeah, we're, um, actually--
We're just... we're with the police department.
So crazy, but...
Why are you being weird?
She's the chief. Um...
What?! Just like your dad. That's incredible.
So, are you two married?
No, no, we just work together.
What are you doing here? I texted you. Relax.
There's no service. I told you to wait in the car.
You can't expect me to wait in the car for four hours, dude.
I told you I did legs today. That's just physically unsafe.
I'm not gonna risk it.
Hey, Kevin, right? Uh, yeah.
Sorry to interrupt. I'm Murphy.
Come stai?
Io... Italian.
Yeah, he's a-- he's a tourist.
C'estmozzarella.
Bathroom? Are you looking for the bathroom?
Oh, I think it's just...
But look, I-I hate to be that guy,
but do you think I could maybe get a photo?
My buddies are never gonna believe this.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
Io? Sì, si, sì. Yeah, could you?
Yeah, thank you, thank you.
We friggin' love your commercials, man.
Mr. Softie's the shit. Thanks, man.
Una, due... Oh, could you make the face?
Come on. Nice. Yeah.
Eh... Amilo. Sì.
Heck yeah, dude. Thank you so much, man.
Yeah. Um, bathroom.
Bellissimo. Yeah, bathroom.
Oh, grazie.
How good was I?
Follow me.
Dude, no one was supposed to see us together.
That was a cop. Take a breath.
You heard me in there, dude.
That dude totally thought I was italiano.
Italiano. Why didn't you just speak Spanish?
Because I was acting, Kevin.
Oh, shit, I thought you quit.
I did, except for emergencies.
This is an emergency.
Oh, shit. Playing the hero.
This is a stupid idea.
Staging a break-in? What the fuck are we thinking?
So funny, you're kind of like
exactly how I imagined you'd be.
Oh, God, Heather, what does that mean?
No, I just mean, like you were always so driven
and, I don't know,
like a Barbie.
Of course, you have this friggin' perfect life.
Perfect?
What? You're a huge deal.
You are. You have the big nonprofit in the city.
You have cool actor husband.
People just dream of having a life like yours.
Sorry.
Blabbing. Blabber Blabberson over here.
No. Yes.
Let's talk about something else. Heather...
Remember how we used to tell each other everything?
I miss that so much.
- Me too. - You do?
Yes! Okay.
Okay, so your life's not perfect.
Got it.
What's going on?
I mean...
I just don't remember the last time anything I said
or did actually mattered.
And I-I know this sounds lame,
I just feel like
my... my whole life is-is babyproof.
It... It's perfect, just like you said.
There's just something missing, you know.
Suzie is perfect.
Okay, she's nice, super rich,
super fucking hot. Like, oh my God, honestly. What the...
All I'm saying is she could've picked anybody, but she picked you.
And all you gotta do, buddy, is remind her why.
Yeah.
Oh, is that a question?
Uh...
I don't-I don't know, man.
I don't know why she chose me.
'Cause you are a fucking beast, huh?
You are a seriously underrated actor.
Thank you. Yeah, I mean it.
Most importantly, you are a protector, right?
Well, what about Kevin? He seems nice.
Yeah. So he's gotta be on your side.
Yeah, Kevin's nice. Right?
He's a goofball. I love him for that.
I just...
I thought maybe he was the missing piece,
but... I don't know.
Lately, I just feel like...
I don't know. We live... we live in two different worlds.
Now I'm blabbing.
No, I'm-I'm... This is good. Please, go on.
Like, I... I tried to tell him.
I tried to tell him what I've been going through.
I tried to tell him I'm unhappy, and he, like, freaked out.
And he made it all about himself,
like I was trying to tell him something was wrong with him.
What were you trying to tell him?
That there's something wrong with me.
Two hours from now, I'm gonna break into your house,
and you better fucking stop me.
Yeah? Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah, there we go.
You know my bro, Victor, he jacks cars for a living,
so you could kind of say this is, like, in my blood, right?
Oh, shit. I forgot.
What is this?
Wait for it. Wait.
Huh?
Holy shit.
Yeah, how cool is this?
I borrowed it from Victor.
He has like a whole collection.
I was gonna surprise you with it later, but...
Give me your money!
Give me your money, man! Come on!
Come on, let's practice. Come on.
You're not getting through this door, you hear me?
That was good! More, more, more!
Yeah. You stay away from me and my wife,
you son of a bitch! Oh, yeah.
How about I break this motherfucker down?
Kevin, save me. Please, Kevin.
Shut up, you Barbie bitch!
The Barbie takes away from the aggression.
Trust me. I'm gonna take your jewels,
I'm gonna sell them on the black market.
I--
Hi.
How do you do?
What do you think? Time to head home, babe?
Hey, crazy idea,
but either of you ever ride in a police cruiser before?
Why is he driving so slow?
You've trained as an actor,
and I've trained as an actor. I did Meisner training, and--
Hey, flip that switch.
I was doing some theater, and then--
Are you kidding me?
Oh my God, yes!
Whoo!
License and registration! On your left!
Did you...
This was fun. Yeah, it really was.
So fun. So fun.
And I missed this, you know.
Night, Chief.
Good night, Suzie.
Oh!
Bye. Bye.
Honey. Honey?
Honey, I got this. Honey, I got this.
I got this.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit. Shit.
Oh my God. She's gonna kill me.
Ernie!
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Ernie!
Ernie! Fuck!
Ernie!
Acting...
is reacting.
You got this.
Um...
Break down this door, you Barbie bitch! Bitch!
Round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran. Fuck yeah!
Showtime.
Come on.
Okay.
Ernie.
Fuck!
Fuck yeah. Okay.
Ah, shit.
Action!
Hello?
Okay...
Give me your money! I'm robbing your ass!
I said I'm robbing your ass. "Yourass"?
Uh...
How about I break this motherfucker down?
All right, I'm coming for you!
Unless there's a hero in there
who's gonna try to stop me or something?
Or anybody?
I'm gonna take your fancy jewels,
and I'm gonna sell them on the black market.
Barbie bitch!
Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.
Suzie?
Suzie, hello?
Hey, Suzie. Everything okay?
Oh my...
Jesus Christ.
What-What happened?
What happened?
Suzie?
He broke in.
He attacked me.
He-He said that he wanted my jewels,
but he was coming for me.
I had to protect myself.
Is-Is he, uh...
Oh, God.
Oh, God!
Oh my God.
Kev, it's o-- Kev, look. Kev.
He didn't hurt me. I'm fine. Look.
No, I, I...
I know, I'm just, I'm...
I'm just so relieved, you know?
Do you have any idea who this guy could be?
Why? Why would you ask me that? No.
Well, how can you be sure?
I've never met this man before in my life.
Kevin, he's wearing a mask.
Uh, nope.
Okay.
All right, let's go to the police.
Hold on. Hang on.
Kevin, there's no service. Phones are out, power's out.
Okay. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Don't you think we should just think about this for one second?
Okay?
Okay, think about... think about what?
I mean, I mean, I mean, look at...
look at you, look at this.
Doesn't this look bad?
I mean, maybe it was just like a...
a misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding?
Yeah, I mean, maybe he was just--
How is this a misunderstanding?
Kevin, this is a stranger in our house.
He broke into our house,
he's wearing a terrifying mask, he attacked me.
We're going to the police. We're going to the police.
Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Just...
I... Yeah, I know. It...
Before we go, why don't you just wash up a little, you know?
I mean, it just looks... I mean, your face...
Okay, yeah.
Oh... shit.
Oh, God.
Oh, Ernie! Oh, shit, shit! Shit!
Ernie! Fuck!
Fuck! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Ernie. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Okay. I'm gonna... I'm gonna make this up to you.
I'm gonna come clean. I'm gonna come clean.
I'm gonna tell them everything.
Fuck. Oh my God.
Shit.
Kevin! Shit.
Where's the car?
I'm sorry, okay? I got distracted.
We'll talk about it later. Okay.
Oh.
Quick, Kev, flag it down!
Hey. Hey!
Hello? Hello! Help! Help!
- Hi, hi, right here. - Hi.
Hi!
Really? Jeez.
I'm sorry.
Uh...
Hi.
Sorry to put you through all this.
Do you mind just confirming your name for the report?
Kevin. Just Kevin?
Sorry, should I take that again from the top?
Doesn't really work like that.
Starting positions, please.
And can you give me a little bit of background?
What brought you up here to Wapanoga?
Just a nice, romantic weekend together.
Hmm.
What, did Suzie say
something different? Well...
She mentioned something about a trial separation.
It was a break. And it's over now.
I'm not super comfortable in the house.
You know, I haven't been back in 20 years,
so I was very eager to get out for a few hours.
Luckily, I ran into you.
And, um, can you tell me a little bit
about the flower pot?
Heather, the guy knew exactly where to look.
He showed up,
he took the key from the flower pot,
and he just walked right in the door.
Flower pot? It's red terracotta,
about this size.
I don't even... I don't even know what flower pot you're...
No, I-I, uh, I have the key right here.
He was banging on the door.
Like banging, banging, banging, banging.
And I'm-I'm, like, pushing back against it,
and I'm-I'm-I'm pushing with everything I have.
Like, I'm-I'm fighting for my life, Heather.
And were you involved in the altercation in any way?
No, sure-sure wasn't.
What's all that blood on you?
And then when it was done,
I just couldn't...
I couldn't believe I was the one still standing.
I don't know how many times I have to say this,
I've never met that man before in my entire life.
Kevin was talking with the victim at the bar.
He was speaking Italian or something.
Said he was looking for the bathroom.
Can I change one of my answers?
Hmm.
Who was in here?
Was it you, Kevin?
Hey, Chief?
It looks like our intruder came from the woods.
I'm thinking there's gonna be a car or a boat nearby.
Smart.
I'll be down in a sec.
Rest in peace, buddy.
Who are you talking to?
Huh? Oh, just... uh, you know.
How are you holding up?
So he really attacked you, huh?
Just...
Did he have a weapon, or no?
What are you asking me?
No, I'm just-I'm just trying to be there for you, honey.
You know, understand what you... what you went through,
or thought.
Honestly, it was the weirdest thing.
One minute, I truly believed that I was gonna die.
Then I'm, like, standing over him.
And he's covered in blood.
I'm a killer.
I killed him.
No, honey, don't, don't say that. It's--
Well, it's true, Kevin.
Honey, it's-- No. It's-It's complicated.
I mean, you were-- you were protecting yourself,
and...
you had no choice.
I mean, you're not a killer.
You killed one guy. Just, you know,
don't make a habit of it.
Excuse me, Miss Stone?
I don't know if you remember me, Jeff, from camp.
I was a year behind you.
Um...
Anyways, I just wanted to say, what you did,
defending yourself like that,
you're a hero.
Everyone's saying so.
We don't all get tested like that.
You've shown you're a real protector.
Your husband's a lucky man.
Sorry, did you need something or...
Uh... [clears throat] Yeah, Chief would like to have a word.
Hey, catch!
Dummy.
...but we might have more questions.
Would you mind sticking around, Kevin?
Kevin!
Uh... I'm sorry, what?
We're, uh, we're just discussing the logistics
of you staying through the weekend.
The maid can't come till Monday.
We'll just avoid that hallway,
and there's plenty of other bathrooms.
Wait, hang on. You, uh, you want to stay here?
I thought we were leaving.
Well, the police are done with their work in the house,
and Heather was saying it might be helpful
for us to stick around in case they have more questions.
Aren't we in some kind of danger?
A man just tried to kill my wife.
I mean, I-I'm-- we're happy to get you, what,
like a motel downtown? Yeah.
If that would help you settle in, feel more safe.
If you don't want to stay here with me,
we can get a car to take you back.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm-I'm, uh...
You're right. I agree, yeah, we should stay.
We should stay. Uh...
Hey, just out of curiosity, what are the odds of you folks
figuring out who this attacker, uh, was?
I mean, we're fairly confident
that he's from out of town, right?
So once we locate the vehicle,
I'd say our odds are pretty damn good.
I don't trust him. Of course you don't.
He lied, Murph. You saw him with the attacker last night at the bar.
He corrected himself.
Yeah, only after he knew he was caught.
If Kevin only met the guy last night, why lie?
He was scared.
Thought it might make us suspicious, which it did.
Doesn't mean he tried to have his wife killed.
So the house key?
Suzie said she saw the guy pull the key
out of the flowerpot, let himself in.
You think Kevin planted the key?
Yeah. How'd he know where to look?
Oh, what if it's a sex thing?
No?
Okay, so, Murph, what's your theory?
Well,
it's not so much a theory per se.
I just am having a hard time
seeing Mr. Softie as the kind of guy
who's dealing with professional criminals.
The man's a cream puff.
He married way out of his league, and he knows it.
And as far as I can tell, he truly loves his wife.
I'd guess Mr. Softie pissed off some thug at a bar.
The guy followed him home and broke in.
Hell, I wouldn't be shocked if Kevin was home
the whole time it went down, just hiding under the bed.
Right, Murph. Yeah.
That's not a theory per se.
Well, we're not gonna know anything until we ID the attacker.
So let's just keep on the grid search in the woods,
and I will start checking with local businesses.
Thank you, boys.
It's just me and this bear.
Thirty yards away, it charges.
Six hundred pounds of raw, brute force
coming straight the fuck at me.
Twenty yards.
Well, you were always a great shot, Stu.
I'm okay.
No four-time Ivy League archery champ.
Shut up.
Were you scared?
No time.
I'm pure instinct.
Ten yards, five.
I fire. Wham!
Damn thing hits the ground right at my feet.
I'll never forget that rush.
It's incredible.
The greatest feeling in the world
is fighting for your life and winning.
And your dad would never admit it,
but he was impressed.
Her dad?
Kevin, how was your walk?
Yup. Old Stone and I just wrapped up our annual hunting trip.
Oh, you... you guys went hunting?
I thought he was in, like, Budapest, or...
Stu, you've met Kevin, right?
Mr. Movie Star. How's it goin'?
- I'm sorry, who are you? - I'm Stu.
Kevin, it's Stu. I told you about Stu.
We went to high school together.
And Yale.
He's a defense attorney. I thought it'd be good
to bring in some outside help.
Don't piss yourself, Kev. I'm not sending a bill.
I'd do anything for Suze,
starting with getting that old Mercedes of yours fixed up.
Also, the power's back on.
I put in a call.
And listen,
the last thing I want is for you to feel uncomfortable
about me being here, okay?
Why would I be uncomfortable?
That's a great attitude. I'm glad we can all be adults.
Right now, we need to focus on what's best for Suze.
So I called some reporters,
and I think I better go make a statement.
Statement? Hold-Hold on. Um...
Don't you think we should discuss this first?
Kevin, Stu does this for a living.
Kevin, listen to your wife.
You two hang back.
I've got this handled.
I'm gonna come with you. Suze, seriously,
it's not necessary.
No, I'm-I'm coming.
That's our girl. Full of surprises.
Suze.
Sue Bear! Wait up!
Sue Bear?
Good evening, folks.
Nobody goes on vacation
and plans on having to fight for their life.
But that's exactly what happened to my client, Suzie Stone.
All she wanted was a relaxing and peaceful getaway in the country.
At approximately 11:45 last night,
as she was getting ready for bed,
Suzie was the victim of a terrible assault.
No. That-That's... That's not true.
I mean, I'm-I'm... I'm not a victim.
Yes, somebody broke
into my house and tried to hurt me.
Barbie bitch!
But...
I'm the one still standing, aren't I?
That's right.
Suzie is not a victim.
She's... a survivor.
All right, folks, uh, we're gonna ask
for some privacy at this time.
It's been a harrowing 24 hours for my fiancée.
We'd just like to...
to get...
Excuse me. Uh...
My client.
Like I said, a harrowing 24 hours.
Thank you. That'll be all.
Oh, boy. New headline.
"Lawyer puts his fucking foot in his mouth."
Fiancée? Kevin, I wasn't--
You were gonna marry him? Yes, Kevin.
That's what fiancée means.
I wasn't keeping it from you. It just never came up.
What was I supposed to ask?
Oh, by the way, were you ever engaged
to some asshat esquire?
Stu is ancient history.
Clearly, he doesn't think so. He's still calling you fiancée.
Kevin, you are my husband, not Stu.
He and I didn't work, it was never gonna work,
and it took me a while to figure that out.
Once I did, I called off the engagement.
All right?
I broke his heart.
You broke it off?
Yes.
And it really wasn't easy
'cause I had to explain it to our entire family,
and I had to cancel a very expensive venue and caterer,
and our fucking honeymoon.
Where was your honeymoon?
We didn't have one.
I know, but where was it... where was it gonna be?
That's... that's not the point.
So then why don't you just tell me?
Please don't do this, Kevin.
Was it Aruba?
Jesus Christ!
Kevin, it was such a long time ago.
Not that long.
You're really focusing on the wrong thing here.
That's why you had those tickets.
Love at first sight? It was-- It-- Bullshit!
That's not true. And you lied to me about it.
I didn't lie to you. Kevin, please.
You and I had such an incredible time in Aruba.
If I said anything to you,
it would have completely destroyed the whole memory.
Kevin.
Honey?
I'm so sorry.
I should have said something to you.
I should've. I should've said something to you.
You've always been so completely honest with me.
Why did you bring him here?
Because I was scared! I was freaked out.
He's the best... he's the best defense attorney in the state, okay?
Honestly, babe, I don't even care.
You just say the word, I'll tell him to leave.
I don't care. Okay, honey?
Just tell me.
I'm sorry.
Shoot.
This needs to be dry-cleaned.
L3 for Scout.
Uh, this is Scout. Go ahead, Murph.
Took a report from a couple who just came in,
said they overheard two men arguing
behind the bar last night.
Okay. On my way.
Suzie?
Suzie.
Just getting my charger.
Honey, it's probably not a good idea
to hang out in this part of the house, don't you think?
Yeah. Let's go downstairs.
Make sure Stu isn't burning down the kitchen.
Sue Bear! I sautéed some broccolini
exactly how you like it.
Are you guys smelling this?
Not very hungry.
What do you say we get out of here for a bit?
Just the two of us.
Yeah, I'd like that.
I'd like that too.
Do you like venison pâté?
A couple's weekend getaway turned into a nightmare
when a New York City woman, Suzie Stone,
found herself in a life-or-death struggle
with a violent home invader.
WXDV reports.
I mean, I'm-I'm... I'm not a victim.
Yes, somebody broke into my house
and tried to hurt me, but...
I'm the one still standing, aren't I?
Lying bitch!
Excuse me?
I can't believe she'd show her face here.
That woman destroyed my family,
and nobody fucking cares.
What is it that you think that she did?
You must remember him, don't you?
My nephew, Gregory Doyle.
Archives said you signed it out when you retired,
right before I started.
Hey, you hungry? Uh, there's a chicken in the fridge, I think.
Dad, you signed out a case file,
and you never returned it. You can't do that.
Okay, okay. I'll, uh, I'll pay the library fine.
This is not a joke.
Do you still have it?
Is that the only one you took?
Yes. Why?
Why Greg Doyle?
When you first told me
you were thinking about joining the force, I figured
this might come up,
and... I decided
it was probably best if you didn't know.
Know what, Dad?
That your friend Suzie killed him.
What?
What happened?
Simple answer?
Self-defense.
That Doyle kid was a real piece of work.
Gave his own grandmother two black eyes.
Goddamn bully.
You ought to remember. He made your life hell.
Yeah.
I remember.
So what happened to him?
That morning, he biked over to that big,
piss-ugly mansion of theirs,
chased your friend Suzie off into the woods.
He beat the daylights out of her.
And she...
she killed him.
So he didn't move away.
How come I didn't know about this?
She was a minor.
We couldn't release her name,
and her family, they had the Doyles tied up in NDAs
so damn quickly.
Oh my God.
Paid 'em off with one of those undisclosed settlements.
And that's why she left camp.
Yeah, they whisked her off back to the city.
That was that.
She didn't even say goodbye.
She tried, kiddo.
She...
wrote you a couple of letters.
I threw them out.
Why would you do that?
You said the simple answer is self-defense, right?
What's the complicated one?
I was first on the scene that day.
Neighbor called it in, said they heard some screaming
coming from the woods.
Thought it was probably an injured animal,
needed being put down.
Nobody seemed to be home, so I went around the back,
and...
that's when I saw her.
I found some Polaroids back there too,
but... ...it didn't matter.
The DA had made up his mind.
What was on them?
Left cabinet, top shelf, on the box.
What the hell are these?
Suzie told me she invited him over for a swim.
I found that odd as hell, him being the bully that he was.
Well, Greg had a crush on her.
I figured she waited for him to get changed,
then when he was undressed, she busted in with the camera.
Everybody's gonna see you naked.
Give me that.
Let go!
So you think she got him to attack her on purpose?
I'll put it this way,
when he did,
she was ready.
I'll fucking kill you!
Greg. Don't.
You know, the thing that sticks in my brain
from all those years ago
was the look on her face
when she was coming down that dock,
you know, before everybody else showed up,
and she thought she was still alone.
She was smiling.
I don't know what I expected coming here.
Hey... ...kiddo.
You asked me.
Don't get sore 'cause you don't like the answer.
It's not the answer. It's your drunken bullshit.
It's not the Suzie I know.
I'm 1,500 strokes in
and my arms are burning like a devil's jock itch
when I hear this god-awful scrape.
Must have bottomed out on that roof there.
You folks are buying me a new kayak.
Uh, okay.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And not one of those cheap knockoffs.
Barely any oxidation.
Car hasn't been in the water long.
Oh God.
Got a name.
Ernest Guerra.
You think it's our guy?
Yeah.
I think so.
Okay, so... what do we do now?
Time to call the family.
Honey, what is it?
He's back.
Hi. We've met before.
I'm Mr. Softie,
and if I'm keeping you down in the bedroom,
you're not alone.
52% of adult men have encountered me
at least once.
You don't mind if I pee in here, do you?
Wowee! That's a GILF if I've ever seen one,
huh?
If you enjoy regular visits from me,
definitely do not ask your doctor
if Stiflocin is right for you.
Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.
Side effects include headache, flushing,
upset stomach, and abnormal vision.
Thanks to Stiflocin,
performing in bed isn't hard anymore.
But I am.
No!
Oh, have you seen the one in the weight room? It's friggin' gold!
Play it, play it.
Victim's brothers are here, Murph.
Ooh, awesome.
I want to talk to the bald one.
You look at the rap sheet on that guy?
Let's hold the judgment. They just lost their brother.
Look, all I'm saying is
somebody pushed Ernie's car into the lake,
and I think we're about to meet him.
Is somebody manning the phones?
Yeah, can we just at least pretend
this is a real police station? Thanks.
Sorry, man, I forgot to run to the store today.
I only have the big bags.
What's up?
I said we only have the big bags
for your sandwiches. Is that okay?
...New York City woman, Suzie Stone...
Yeah, that's-that's fine. Thanks.
...life-or-death struggle with a violent home invader.
I'm the one still standing, aren't I?
Suzie is not a victim.
She's... a survivor.
Police have identified
the suspected home invader,
a struggling actor, Ernest Guerra.
I'm telling you, man, that's him.
That's the dude, bathroom fucker.
Say it again, mother bitch!
Yo, let him breathe. He can't talk.
You think I give a fuck?
I'll waste this guy right now.
What the hell, bro? We're in public.
There could be cops and shit!
Fuck the cops. They don't respect you.
They don't respect our brother.
Everybody only respects one thing.
I-I saw him in the bathroom.
Who? Ernie?
I don't know, the home invader.
When? Two days ago.
And then the couple from the TV showed up.
The husband snuck in with him,
and the wife stayed outside.
The fuck you saying?
I mean, it's not totally unexpected.
Look, I don't know what happened with your...
your brother and this couple.
I'm pretty sure the wife didn't know what was going on,
but if she found out,
jealousy, man.
That's-That's a hell of a drug.
Oh, hi.
Relax, jumpy. What's the matter?
Nothing. What's the matter with you?
Nothing. Okay.
Okay, I got this.
You go in and make sure Stu
doesn't jack any of our stuff.
Okay.
Fuck yes.
Old Stone, you've been holding out on me.
Where'd you find that? That's not yours.
In the bear's mouth. That's not yours.
It is now. Give me that!
It's in my hand, isn't it?
Why are you so scared?
Give me that! Is it yours?
Of course not. Stop! What are you doing?
Oh, Suze, you know whose phone this is?
It had a reminder for acting class, of all things.
Great. We'll let Mr. Stone know.
He, you know, he probably left it behind, so...
Hon, you ready? Why don't we, uh,
why don't we hit the road, okay?
Hey, that doesn't belong to you! Let's see here.
We've got an, oh, an actor's ID card.
What? Whose is that?
Why don't you ask your husband? How would I know?
In fact, why don't you ask him how all of Ernie Guerra's stuff
got into that bear's mouth?
Okay, hang on, hang on. This is, uh, this is evidence, okay?
And we probably shouldn't be messing around with...
Hey!
Oh, shit.
Ah! Get off of me!
What are you hiding?
Just, you're...
You're compromising evidence.
Would you-- Suzie, would you help me, please?
Suzie? Stop.
Hey, Suzie, help me. Would you, please?
Yeah. Hey!
What are you doing? No! Suzie! Hey!
Kevin, why is your number in this phone?
Oh, you are so fucked, my guy.
Stop it. Hang on. It's not what you think.
You were texting with him?
Kevin, you... you planned this attack?
No, it's not, it's not an attack.
It's not an attack. Kevin?
Shit. No! Please. Okay, look, look.
You think you're some big guy, huh?
Hiring some thug to kill your wife?
What? Kill? No, no, no.
Not... not kill. I swear. Plea-- Okay, please.
Yes, I knew him. I knew him, but it's not...
it's not what you think.
You really did this?
No, I just-- Could you please just give me a chance
to explain, please?
Okay, I was trying to fix things.
I gotta leave. I gotta leave, okay?
We'll talk about this at home. Stu, you're coming with me.
We're not going anywhere, Suze.
Pursuant to article 140.30 of the New York CPL code,
I'll be placing you under citizen's arrest.
Oh my God. Stu? What?
Would you stop being a fucking prick
for one second and let's go, please.
This isn't over.
Fuck!
Who the fuck are these clowns?
Suzie Stone? I got some questions for you.
That's not how this works, buddy.
This is private property. Why'd you kill my brother?
Hey, Geek Squad, get the fuck outta here!
Answer me! Hey!
Want me to slap you with a restraining order next?
We just want to talk.
Give me the gun.
I said we just want to talk!
Oh, fuck.
Fuck!
I gotta make this right.
Trust me, guys, okay? A guilty conscience,
it's a fucking toxic cage.
Just tell us the truth.
Do not say a word, Suze.
Hey.
We already know what you did, okay?
So if you wanna make it off this boat, you're gonna look
right in this camera and confess your crimes.
Confess?
Are you joking? Stu, stop it.
You want to talk about crimes?
Okay, how's kidnapping, battery,
assault with a deadly weapon,
possession of an illegal firearm probably.
And your dumb ass is filming the whole thing.
Stop talking.
Let me handle this, Suze. No more games.
Confess or I'll put a hole in your head.
Pull the trigger, you coward!
I'm not aiming at you, bro.
Oh.
Sorry, Suze.
- Oh, shit. - What?
My phone just died. Here, just pass me yours.
I left it in the car.
I told you my phone was at 6%.
Bring the charger, that's all I asked.
Bring the charger, for what? We're in a fucking boat.
I got the knot untied. What?
I'll protect you. Stu, don't!
I'm serious, don't.
I fucking got this! Stu, stop.
What are you whispering about?
Stu!
Stu! Stu!
I didn't do anything, it just went off!
You killed Stu!
Why do you keep calling him that?!
Because that's his name! I thought his name was Kevin!
Kevin's my husband! Who the hell is this guy?!
He's Stu! He's our fucking lawyer!
Where's your husband?! Where's Kevin?!
Hi, uh, this, uh, this is Kevin Stanwell.
Um, can I... can I please speak with Chief, uh...
uh, Heather?
Uh... Well, it's... it's really important.
Do you have, um, you have any way that I can reach her?
Fuck! I told you, man.
Shut the fuck up and grab his head.
I don't wanna grab his head!
You're the one who blew his brains out. You're grabbing his head.
Fuck me! I'm gonna be sick!
Barbie bitch!
The greatest feeling in the world...
...is fighting for your life...
...and winning.
Okay, here we go. Ready?
Hey! What are you doing?
Sorry, my service is bad.
What are you saying? Can you hear me?
I'm-I'm guilty, okay? I just... I want to confess.
Are you at the house?
Hello?
What?
Shit.
Where the fuck did she go? We tied their hands, dumbass,
now they're both dead.
- Fuck! - Fuck!
This is... this is your fault.
You shot the...
There she is! Where?
Kill her!
What the hell?
Kevin!
Suzie? Hey!
Oh my God! I thought you left.
I fuckin'... Oh my God.
Wait, what? Hold-- Are you okay?
You did this for me, didn't you?
Why are you all... What?
How did you know? How did I--
How did you know? How did I know what?
This house, Kevin, it's exactly what I needed.
What, what? This house!
What?
You know I had some not so great memories
in this house, right?
All right, there was this bully,
he was fucking awful,
he tormented Heather and me.
I had to kill him... to protect myself.
Oh my God. Oh my God. Let's go.
What? Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
It's fine. My dad, he put me through
a lot of therapy and counseling
to help me reframe the whole thing.
But all it ever did was make me feel like a victim.
And I'm not a victim.
I won. I won.
And I felt on fucking fire, Kev.
I felt alive in a way I haven't felt
in 20 fucking years.
Till the other night.
The... the other night?
What do you mean? You mean with the attack?
That's thanks to you, honey.
Hold on, wait, you likewhat happened?
I mean, I like the danger.
Wait, hold on.
Oh my God, hold on. What is...
Is this like some sort of kink or something?
Because, honey, I-I-I...
I never meant for anyone to get hurt.
It was theater.
It was scripted. I scripted it.
It was just so I could save you
and you could see me as a hero.
That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.
I know, I know, I know. I was just trying to fix things.
I thought maybe if I could prove to you--
Kevin, stop it. Please don't ruin this. I'm fucking begging you.
Wait.
Hold on, where-where's Stu?
So your friend Ernie,
his brothers showed up and they kidnapped us.
Stu's fucking dead.
Wha--
Are you-- Wait.
Hold on. Stu is dead?
Stu is dead?
They're here.
Who's here?
Who's fucking here? What do you mean?
The-The brothers? The brothers are here right now?
Yeah. Okay. All right, let's go.
I'm not going anywhere. What do you mean?
What the fuck, honey? I'm staying here.
What do you mean? We have to get out of here!
Let me handle it! Suzie, we are in danger!
Suzie, they are going to kill us.
They will if you don't help me.
Oh my God.
Okay, okay, yeah. I can do this.
I am going to prove to you
that I can protect us.
Kevin, you don't have to prove a thing to me.
All this protector bullshit, that's about you!
Okay, fine, fine.
Then for me, please, just please let me do this.
Please.
Okay?
Go. Hide. Honey, I've got this.
Please.
You stay away from my wife, you son of a bitch!
"You're not getting through this door, you hear me?"
"Untitled Home Invasion Romance,
written by Kevin Stanwell."
Kick it harder! I am!
Did you even check it's locked?
Fuck this fucking door!
Fuck!
What are you doing?
Is that really necessary, man?
I fucking like it, bro!
She saw us. It helps me concentrate.
Dude, you look like you want them to fuck you!
Just go... check around back.
Grow up.
Thought you got this. Jesus.
Murderer!
Come out and face me!
Kevin, shoot him! Shoot him!
Oh my God!
Oh, God!
Let's go.
Shit, it's empty.
Hey! Hey!
Oh, shit. Shit. Stop!
Hey, no! Victor!
Holy shit, honey, that was... that was crazy.
Victor!
Hey, I know your brother was set up.
Kevin called me to confess.
Shit.
Hey, we're gonna get
to the bottom of all this.
I'm gonna get you to a hospital, okay?
Just, I need to restrain you.
Can you cooperate with me?
Oh! Look out! Shh!
Tell me where's your other brother.
Oh!
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
I didn't know what to do.
She's a cop.
I know that, Victor.
I fucking panicked.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Honey, we don't have much time now. What...?
All right? It's us or them.
Will you help me, please?
Oh my God. Fuck.
Give me your lighter. What? I don't have a lighter.
Kevin. What? I don't!
I know you still smoke. Give me your lighter.
Are you sure you can do this?
I mean, four-time Ivy League archery champ.
Shit. What? Okay.
Kevin, they're gonna take Heather's gun.
We have to catch them by surprise.
I'm gonna go up on the roof, I need you outside.
Wait, I'll come with you. Whatever you're doing, I can do it with you.
- Kevin, I need you outside. - Okay.
I need you to go down to the dock house.
Yeah. Okay, quietly.
When you're there, count down from 60.
When you get to zero, I need you to run out of the house
screaming, like, really screaming, Kevin,
like you're scared for your life.
I think I can manage that. Good.
Okay.
Run straight up the path,
come back to the house.
Okay. Wait, hold on.
What happens then? I mean, they're gonna come after me.
Let me worry about that.
Wait. Hold on, hold on. So-So I'm the bait?
You're the lead.
I'm the lead. Okay.
Now, remember, not a peep before zero, okay?
And, honey? Okay. Yeah.
Break a leg.
Wait, hold on. When do I start counting?
Now. Now?
Oh. Fifty-nine, fifty-eight...
This isn't working, bro.
I gotta get to a hospital, man.
Fuck the hospital.
These people butchered our brother.
They need to pay.
Forty-five,
forty-four,
forty-three...
Forty-two,
forty-one,
forty,
thirty-nine, thirty-eight,
thirty-seven...
You told me there's only one thing everybody respects.
Let's go get some fucking respect.
Twenty-nine, twenty... Shit!
What the fuck was that?
They're in the dock house.
Oh, Suzie!
Suzie!
Ah, shit!
Oh my God!
Fucking help me, Victor! Fucking help me!
Come on, please!
Fuck, you gotta get it outta me.
You gotta get it outta me!
Victor!
No! No! Victor!
Oh my God.
You're okay. You're okay. Hey! Hey!
You're okay. Stay with me. Victor! Victor!
Hey! Come on. Wake up.
Oh, no! No!
You bitch!
No, Suzie!
Now we're even.
Fucking psycho!
Suzie.
Oh my God.
Holy shit.
Heather.
Hey, it's me.
I'm so sorry about this, Heather.
Your husband...
Bad.
Oh, no, no, no. No. He's not.
Promise.
You know, I...
I never stopped thinking about you, Heather.
I really thought that you'd write back to me.
You never did.
You never even thanked me for what I did for you.
With Greg.
I don't understand you.
I know, Heather.
I believe this is yours.
So what do we do now?
We were all alone.
We were terrified.
If Heather hadn't shown up, I don't...
I don't know.
Thank you.
She just fought so hard, you know?
After they... they took her gun, and...
...all she had...
was that bow and arrow.
Um, do you have anything to add,
Mr. Soft-- Uh...
Sorry. Um, do you have anything to add, Mr. Stanwell?
Uh...
Mr. Stanwell?
Nope. No.
Nope. Well, we knew someone
pushed the car into the lake,
so... seems like these two brothers
were working behind the scenes the whole time.
Uh...
You two are either the luckiest or unluckiest people
I've ever met.
Luckiest.
At least I am.
To have my husband by my side this whole time...
He knows me better than anyone,
like, the real me.
I know he'd do anything for me.
You're my hero.
♪ I think you are the one ♪
♪ Shining brighter than a mirror in the sun ♪
♪ In the sun ♪
♪ You hit me like a drum ♪
♪ Then you spun around and lit up everyone ♪
♪ Everyone ♪
♪ Never thought I'd stumble on to you so soon ♪
♪ Whenever you walk in you light the room ♪
♪ With those big brown eyes and sweet perfume ♪
♪ You got me singing on a honeymoon like ♪
♪ Oh my ♪
♪ Found the lover of my life ♪
♪ So high ♪
♪ We're living in paradise ♪
♪ Can't lie ♪
♪ Never thought it'd feel so right ♪
♪ The future's looking bright ♪
♪ You brought me to the sea ♪
♪ All our worries lifted up into the breeze ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ When it's you and me ♪
♪ There ain't nothing that'll drag us off the beat ♪
♪ Oh, off the beat ♪
♪ Never thought I'd stumble on to you so soon ♪
♪ Whenever you walk in you light the room ♪
♪ With those big brown eyes and sweet perfume ♪
♪ You got me singing on a honeymoon like ♪
♪ Oh my ♪
♪ Found the lover of my life ♪
♪ So high ♪
♪ We're living in paradise ♪
♪ Can't lie ♪
♪ Never thought it'd feel so right ♪
♪ The future's looking bright ♪
♪ I never wanna let you go ♪
♪ Oh my ♪
♪ Found the lover of my life ♪
♪ So high ♪
♪ We're living in paradise ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Oh my ♪
♪ Found the lover of my life ♪
♪ So high ♪
♪ We're living in paradise ♪
♪ Can't lie ♪
♪ Never thought it'd feel so right ♪
♪ The future's looking bright ♪