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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Nocturne, nocturne

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Once again the night

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Is coming on…

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Hey, London, what's up? Hello.

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Let's start. All rise.

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You actually did it. Sit the fuck down.

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I've always wanted to do that shit, man.

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Jesus Christ!

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He's not here. He's not here!

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He sent me.

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Nocturne…

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What's up, Mumbai? Hello.

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I have good news, and I have bad news.

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-Which one would you like to hear first?
-Bad news.

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Most Indian answer ever.

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Because in India, someone else's bad news…

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The bad news is this.

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I'm really happy.

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-Whoa!
-Yeah.

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But the good news is I'll talk about it
and hopefully, it'll just go away.

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'Cause when we talk about our happiness,

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Indian people violate a rule that
we've been taught since the British Raj,

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"Happiness is silence."

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Right? This is why if you ask any Indian,
"Are you happy?"

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we'll be like…

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Now, don't be confused.
This is not a confirmation.

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This is not a denial.
This is a misdirection.

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This is not us going, "I don't know."

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This is us going,
"I don't want you to know.

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I only want God to know."

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'Cause you got to be honest with God,
right, guys?

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God talks to us, yes?

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God says things like,
"I love you. Be strong. Vote for me."

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Streets clear up
Phones…

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-What's up, New York? You're good?
-Yeah!

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All right, let me tell you a story.
Well, a backstory.

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I just shot my new Netflix Special, man.

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It cuts between London and Mumbai,

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and it's a show I wrote in silence.

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Well, rewrote.

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And the silence is my fault by the way.

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Because the… I don't know.
Things were going well.

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And… I think I got a little arrogant.

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And I think
the universe can sense arrogance.

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Uh, I was in a hotel room in London.

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Six weeks before I was supposed to take
my new Netflix Special

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in a church in London
and a stadium in Mumbai,

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something in the Universe went…

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And I woke up without a voice.

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Hmm…

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Biggest show of my career,
six weeks to go.

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My voice wasn't sore, it was just gone.

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Broken, silent.

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It's like the government in my body
had changed.

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And my family was like,
"You've been sharing too much good news."

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You've activated the evil eye.

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I'll explain, American people.
The evil eye is ill-wishers.

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But they do not do ill to you.
They just casually wish ill upon you.

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They've combined evil with delegation.

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They wish, right?
They'll just blow an eyelash

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and be like, "Give him
erectile dysfunction."

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Which I don't mean to mock.
I'm sure it's quite hard.

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But, uh…

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But the evil eye's
a powerful force.

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Right? And in India, we call the evil eye…

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Nazar.

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Family, that's right. Yes.

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Speaking of family,

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it is so fucking good to be home.
What's up, Mumbai?

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What's up, London?
What's up, New York?

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Good to see you guys.

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The minute you share good news
the evil eye is activated.

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Observe. I will share some good news.
Ready?

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So, uh, I won a tiny Emmy Award,
all right? And, uh…

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Thank you, thank you.

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Thank you for supporting my comedy,

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and, uh, my family thanks you as well.

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Guys, the artist you're watching
is nowcritically acclaimed.

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Except the acclaim comes
from white people, so nobody gives a fuck.

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White validation is brown kryptonite.

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Everybody is like,
"He has betrayed his country."

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I know what you're thinking.
"Vir, kryptonite is green."

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No, that's white money,
which is a brown magnet,

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which is why you live here,
and you have betrayed your country.

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Evil eye.

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No, I get it. A lot of people
were conflicted when I won the award,

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because I'm an English comedian in India.

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And we have this post-colonial resentment
of the English language.

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We equate English with privilege. Correct?

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Falsely so, by the way.

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There are many countries in the world
where people speak great English,

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who are dirt poor.

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For instance, the country of England.

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If you speak good English,
they're like, "Vir Das is not relatable.

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Not relatable."

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Yeah, neither wasOppenheimer.

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You watched that shit, no?

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Why're you so insecure?

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Why do you need to be "related to"
all the fucking time?

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Did you watchOppenheimerlike, "I just
don't see myself in the mushroom cloud."

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Although give Putin five years…

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But in India, there's a spectrum.

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If your English is very bad,
we will judge you.

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But if your English is very good…

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-Judge you.
-…we will judge you, right?

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It's this…
this Appu - Vivek Ramaswamy spectrum.

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Right? This…
This Mowgli - Rishi Sunak spectrum.

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This Kangana - Tharoor spectrum.

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Right? They were also--

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The night that I won my Emmy Award,
two Indian critics,

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mainstream critics got on TV.

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And one of them was like,
"I don't like Vir Das."

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And she was like, "Why?"
She said, "His English is too good."

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You… you can't be mad at people
because they enunciate.

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I'm sorry, Mumbai,
to enunciate means that you, uh…

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We're not the best, right guys?

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This first girl I hooked up in Mumbai…

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Every time we'd hook up, she'll be like,
"Ey,suno, let's bang, no, men?"

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"Ey,suno, let's bang no men"

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Then we would have consensual sex
while assaulting two languages.

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You get judged, man.

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Like I remember once,

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one of India's top Hindi comedians
came up to me and he was like,

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"Vir, you're too global.

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Indian stand-up is not global.

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You sound privileged.
You have to sound relatable, like us."

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And then he left in a Range Rover.

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And that's when you realize
the most privileged people in the world

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don't speak English, don't need English.

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Think about it.

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Jack Ma - Mandarin.

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Mukesh Ambani - Gujarati.

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Elon Musk - X.

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No English is required.

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Then I got taken
to England's top vocal doctor.

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And he informed me

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that I had massive vocals cysts
on both of my vocal cords.

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And he said, "Mr. Das,

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it could be seven months
before you speak properly again.

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But you know, look at Djokovic.

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Injured, out for six months.

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Does so much physio…,"
"…back in five weeks.

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You just gotta find
a Djokovic inside you."

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Do you know how patronizing it is

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to compare a comedian
to a professional athlete?

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That's equivalent to like,
if his patient dies,

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and I'm like,
"I know it's sad but look at Jesus."

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"Crucified, out for eternity,
does so much physio…"

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"Back in three days!"

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"You just gotta find a Jesus inside you."

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Can you imagine a brown man with a beard
telling a white man to find Jesus?

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The last guy who did that was Jesus.

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But I'm training.

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I just fired my American trainer.
I got a proper Indian trainer, right?

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Speaks Hindi, has a paunch.

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'Cause this western guy kept saying

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all this privileged shit
I didn't understand.

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He said,
"Mr. Das, if you wanna get really lean,

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we gotta feed and fast, feed and fast.

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We gotta surprise your body."

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I was like, "Bro, I live in Mumbai.

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If I wanna surprise mybody,
I will cross the road."

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"I will be much leaner
when there is an SUV on top of my body."

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Random privileged shit. "Mr. Das,
are you having any antioxidants?"

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I'm like, "The AQI is 599 right now.

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What oxygen
are you referring to in Mumbai?"

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At this point, my body converts
monoxide into dioxide.

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I am an antioxidant.

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We have lost half the crowd, by the way.
Half the crowd is gone, right?

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They're like,
"Why's he teaching science?

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Did not come here to learn about oxygen!"

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"Just make me laugh, bro.
Don't make me think!"

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This is you!

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In the comments, "Just make me laugh, bro!

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Don't make me think."

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Get someone to tickle you,
you basic bitch, all right?

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Random privileged shit.

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"Uh, Mr. Das,
what're your thoughts on probiotics?"

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Do you guys know about probiotics here?

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"Your thoughts on probiotics?"

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And I was like, "I believe
in a woman's right to choose."

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"I am probiotic."

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He was like, "Mr. Das,
you're making a mistake."

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And I said, "I shouldn't have to live with
that mistake for the rest of my life."

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This trainer… it was so hard
not to sound like him

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when I was talking to him.

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Indian people… we have a horrible habit.

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When we talk to somebody
with a foreign accent,

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like a dementor, we inhale their accent.

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And do their accent back to their face.

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Like, a sweet French guy
will come over to your house for dinner.

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He'll be like,
"This ismagnifique.

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Could I have
some more chickentikka, please?"

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You will walk into your own kitchen,

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look at your Indian mother

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and be like,
"He would like some more chickentikka."

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Your mother will come,
look at the French guy and be like,

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"Beta,
would you like some more…"

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Now the French guy
is fucking terrified, right?

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He's like,
"Uh, Aunty, I would like some more…"

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Now, you're just three racists
surrounding a cold piece of chicken tikka.

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To get rid of the evil eye, six pundits,
six priests were sent over to my house,

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and they did an 8-hour worship ritual,

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where they built ashivling
out of milk and ghee and ice

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that stood by itself
six feet into the air.

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One of the most beautiful things
I've ever seen.

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I was like, "Can you complete
the bridges in Mumbai, please?"

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And the pundit was like,
"Now, you need to pray every night."

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I couldn't talk to the pundit,
and I was like, "Well, that's

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kind of why I hired you."

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And he was like,
"Oh, we don't pray for you.

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We just make sure
that your prayer is heard first."

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I was like, "So, you are
like the TSA precheck…"

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"…of God?"

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00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,880
And he was like,
"Yeah, take your shoes off."

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I don't pray that much, right?

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Like, I casually take God's name
during orgasms and deadlifts, right?

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Which, for me,
are very similar experiences, guys.

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You know, my knees don't cooperate.

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Looking in a mirror… You know, the very…

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But, like…

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Like, I talk to God. Like the other day,
I was praying because I lost my passport.

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Like, you, sir, can get
a new passport in 24 hours

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if you have contacts in the government.

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Except for me, contact with the government
is why I need my passport.

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So, if I lose my passport,
I haven't lost my passport.

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God has taken my passport.

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And I just find religion…

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You know, when I'm desperate,
I laugh, right?

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So, I was like, "God, listen, I cannot

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tell jokes to a world
I do not get to see."

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00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,120
And then all of a sudden,
a file in front of me flew open.

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I heard a noise, which was like…

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00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,120
And my passport, I swear to God,
was five feet away, inside that file,

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like, hidden under this paper
where some jokes were written.

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And I was so happy
I cried happy tears over a piece of paper.

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The last time I did that
a pregnancy test came negative.

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I needed my passport
because I went to Australia.

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00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,520
Uh…

242
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,160
I'm sorry, any Australians
in the audience? Make some noise.

243
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,680
-Whoa!
-Good to see you. I like your country.

244
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,800
I mean, you guys are,na,
you're like, England's Bangladesh.

245
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,760
Is that a… ?

246
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,840
Sorry, I apologise.

247
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,520
I apologise, I'm sorry.

248
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:56,600
You're New Zealand's Pakistan.

249
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,720
Here's what happened. I follow rules
when I'm at airports abroad.

250
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:08,560
I never wanna embarrass India abroad
unless it's at a large theatre.

251
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,240
And this old Aussie lady

252
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:14,560
picked me out of line.

253
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,560
Full of white people
and she was like, "You sir,

254
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,000
you're gonna check your bag in."

255
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,920
I was like, "Madam
it's under 9 kilos, only one item."

256
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,400
She was like, "No!
you're gonna check your bag in."

257
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,200
I was pissed off.
Would you be pissed off?

258
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,120
Yes.

259
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,800
I was like, "Are you gonna check
any of the white people?"

260
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,840
All white people were like, "Fuck!
Now she's gonna check the white people!"

261
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,760
She just pointed at me
and she was like, "No, just you!"

262
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,000
I was delighted. I was.
I was like, "Oh, my God!

263
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,600
It's an OG racist."

264
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,440
It's like seeing the Northern Lights.

265
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,880
You're like,
"I've seen in books and movies,

266
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,160
but it's so much more impressive
in person."

267
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,680
You never see
an OG racist in a modern setting.

268
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,440
It fucks with your brain, right?

269
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,480
It's like seeing a Nazi drink Boba tea.

270
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,160
Which I would pay good money to see, yo!

271
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,280
Full SS uniforms…

272
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:07,640
He…

273
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,680
He… heil…

274
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,000
Heil Hitler!

275
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,680
I really do feel
racists are a marginalized community.

276
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,680
Have you considered the struggle
of being a racist?

277
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,760
To identify as a bigot

278
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,360
but to be trapped
inside an intelligent person's body.

279
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,880
Racists have no public platforms.
It's just 80% of American podcast.

280
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,600
That's it, right?

281
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,640
All of their good ideas have been stolen,

282
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,560
culturally appropriated from racists.

283
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,320
Racists came up with the N-word,
Hip Hop… took it.

284
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,440
Racists came up with segregation,
pickleball… took it.

285
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,480
Racists came up with slavery,
Apple… took it.

286
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,120
All their good ideas are gone.
Then what is the life of a racist?

287
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,200
You make a tiny Paki like me
check his luggage.

288
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,200
Then you go home
and have quiet missionary sex

289
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,680
under a picture of Churchill.

290
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:02,640
What's…

291
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,880
Picture of Winston Churchill…
it's got to be missionary.

292
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,920
You can't do anal under Churchill.

293
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,280
Churchill has never seen, uh…

294
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:15,720
…"colon"isation.

295
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,400
I…

296
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,160
I'm walking into first class.

297
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,480
She keeps smiling at me
with victory in her eyes.

298
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,920
Something in me snapped.

299
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,520
Usually, Indian people,
we shut up and take it, right?

300
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:36,320
I was like, "Madam,
I hope an Indian marries your daughter."

301
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,400
I hope her daughter comes home
with a beautiful Indian man.

302
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,880
Fucking Dev Patel's face…

303
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,520
…with Sadhguru's mustache…

304
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,920
…on, like, my body.

305
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,360
They have to sleep in the next room

306
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:53,360
and listen to weird Indian-Aussie mix sex
coming through the wall all night long.

307
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,400
Yes, "Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!"
"Oye! Hoye! Hoye!"

308
00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,480
Just…

309
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,880
Just… Hah! Tu!

310
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,720
Guys, she was 65.

311
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,040
You gotta have empathy.

312
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,680
It is possible
to love an old racist, right?

313
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,080
Indians, go to your family
WhatsApp group right now.

314
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,800
Fun fact, if you cannot find a racist
in your family WhatsApp group,

315
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:21,920
you're the fucking racist.

316
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,600
Don't be… don't be ashamed.

317
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,440
One of my grand aunts,
legendary Islamophobe.

318
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,880
Legendary!

319
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,960
Platinum member frequent flyer bigot.

320
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,280
Every time she saw me do stand-up,
she'll be like, "Hai Allah!"

321
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,160
I was like, "Don't you…" "…hate Muslims?"

322
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,040
She'll be like, "Yeah, but when
I'm disappointed, I invoke their god."

323
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,920
Why bother our own?

324
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,680
Then I got taken
to Adele's speech therapist.

325
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,640
She has the same problem as me,
same level of talent.

326
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,680
And, uh…

327
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,320
It's this tiny Jewish lady
who charges a lot of money,

328
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,840
and she gave me this.

329
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,880
This is a kazoo.

330
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,760
She was like, "When you
can play, 'happy birthday' on the kazoo,

331
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,680
you're ready
for theatrical performances again."

332
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:15,680
And I was like, "When you can do burpees
on a marshmallow carpet,

333
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:19,120
you're ready for an appendectomy,
because I thought we were playing a game

334
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,640
where we said
fucking nonsense sentences to each other."

335
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,360
This is impossible to make a noise out of.

336
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,600
Doesn't happen.
The noise has to come from within.

337
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:35,360
Every day, 20 times a day, I was like…

338
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,480
Do you know how many ducks
have shown up to my house…

339
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,760
…looking for action…

340
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:44,880
…and received it…

341
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,560
…because we are speaking
the same language?

342
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:52,560
Duck shows up, I'm like…

343
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,960
You got your money's worth, right?
Musical performance.

344
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,720
But she was like, "Mr. Das,
you've been using your voice wrong

345
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:17,800
for 20 years."

346
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,880
And I was like,
"How left-wing intellectual of you."

347
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,680
This is why I like the younger generation.
Anybody here, 18 to 25? Make some noise.

348
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,560
I like you guys.

349
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,720
'Cause you're outspoken,
you're not silent, you share.

350
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,880
You're brave. You put yourself out there.

351
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,960
We give you feedback,
you get triggered, we laugh.

352
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,760
That's the system.

353
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,840
That's great! That's…

354
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,400
That's why we…

355
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,880
That's why we let you believe
you have your own truth.

356
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,160
Your truth is our content.

357
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:51,160
Hi, I have two nephews.
They are the generation below Gen Z.

358
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,600
What are they called?

359
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,400
Morons? I…

360
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,040
My nephews are 14.
I took them to a museum.

361
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,040
My nephew is super pissed off

362
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:03,920
that a massive European painting
will not fit into his phone this way.

363
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,400
And I was like,
"Fucker! Just turn your phone."

364
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,040
And he's like,
"Virmama, you don't understand.

365
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,200
The world has changed.

366
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,760
Life is vertical."

367
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,520
I was like,
"I'm gonna change my will now."

368
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,480
"I'm not gonna cut you off.
I will leave you everything I have

369
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,040
if you cremate me vertical."

370
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,320
"With these eyes open, I wanna look down
at the family while I burn, all right?

371
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,000
And I want a DJ playing, like,
techno music behind me, right?

372
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,680
I want it to be like,
sunburn meetssati, all right? And…"

373
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,920
"And like, grief meets
Glastonbury, all right? Like…

374
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,480
Like burning man meets burning man."

375
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:46,600
"And I want you to…"

376
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,200
"…film the entire thing
and upload it to Instagram,

377
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,560
and just caption it, 'Vir mama! Lit!'"

378
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,880
Which is almost the perfect caption
for a cremation, right?

379
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:07,200
So easily manipulated
because you commodify distraction.

380
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:08,800
All you wanna do is have the drop.

381
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,600
You can do one-hour show for Gen Z
with one punchline.

382
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:12,800
"Just delay the drop!"

383
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,040
"Virmama, the world has changed.
Life is vertical."

384
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,160
The world has changed

385
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:23,200
The world has changed,
Changed, changed, changed, Vir Mama

386
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,160
Changed, changed, changed,
Changed, changed, changed, Vir Mama

387
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,960
Life, life, life, life,
Life, life , life, life

388
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,400
Life, life, life, life, life

389
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,080
Is vertical

390
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,400
Life is vertical

391
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,000
Look at your stupid faces, right?

392
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,360
All the adults are like,
"What is happening?"

393
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,880
"I want a refund."

394
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,280
Gen Z is like, "Let him cook, bro!"

395
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,480
And that is a perfect caption
for a cremation.

396
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,720
Then four weeks before the stadium show,
I tried homeopathy.

397
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,320
Anybody doesn't know
what homeopathy is make some noise.

398
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,080
Yeah, I'll explain.

399
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,960
So, sir, a homeopath
is a lonely virgin man…

400
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,000
…who sits in a two-foot by two-foot room

401
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,800
surrounded by white powder, all right?

402
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,080
It's… It's like a closet at a Diddy party.

403
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,640
And he gave me white powder
to put in my fucking face.

404
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,040
I was like, "What is this?"
and he was like, "Doesn't matter."

405
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,960
So now, eight times a day,
I put white powder into my fucking face.

406
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,320
I don't even do stand-up anymore.
I work in finance.

407
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,040
I'm an addict.

408
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,640
Here's the problem with your generation.

409
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,320
Um…

410
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,240
You got addicted
to performative validation

411
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:51,400
on dopamine devices.

412
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,400
You guys are obsessed with identity.

413
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,360
Not personality.

414
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,760
So, when you put yourself out there,
it's what you are, not who you are.

415
00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,040
So, you're trying
to gather and broadcast labels

416
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,360
'cause they all represent
shots of dopamine.

417
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,480
from the internet that you're addicted to.

418
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,360
So you're not justahuman being.

419
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,800
You're a polyamorous, ADHD, vegan,
juggler, who's religiously agnostic,

420
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,400
but Avengers Adjacent, right?

421
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,280
And… listen, I…
I don't wanna patronize you,

422
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,280
but as you get older,

423
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:19,720
you discover that the world
is really fucking basic. Right, grownups?

424
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,160
Amulya, there are only two types
of people in the entire world.

425
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,440
There are assholes

426
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:27,960
and there are people
who deal with assholes.

427
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,520
That's it. That's the entire world.

428
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,880
Let's not be unevolved, there are
intersectional assholes in the world.

429
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,360
There are black assholes, white assholes,
straight assholes, gay assholes,

430
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:41,400
trans assholes.

431
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,840
On the flipside,
some vegans are nice people.

432
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:46,440
People are nuanced.

433
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,160
They're complex. Right, London?

434
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,600
I'm just saying
even Adolf Hitler was a dog lover.

435
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:52,560
Remember?

436
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,360
Side note. How confused
do you think Hitler's dog was?

437
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,600
Dog only understands visuals,
not politics, right?

438
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,600
If you're Hitler's dog,

439
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,680
every time your dad is outside,
your dad is like…

440
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,800
Never throws a ball.

441
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,320
Then when you're silent,
what you discover is

442
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,600
you make up your own sign language
that nobody understands but you.

443
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,400
I looked at my assistant.
I wanted a decaf black and I was like…

444
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,480
"I would like a decaf black."

445
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,360
He was like, "What?"
I'm like, "a decaf black."

446
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,400
"What?"

447
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,320
I was like, "Your mother is a whore."

448
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,120
"You wanna a decaf black?"

449
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,680
Everybody around you gets quiet as well.

450
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:52,120
Everybody is like, "Oh, my God!"
"You've lost your voice!"

451
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,160
"That's so sad."

452
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,200
"Would you like a decaf black?"

453
00:23:58,360 --> 00:23:59,760
"Yes!"

454
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,640
And you discover that when one person
breaks silence is contagious.

455
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:08,880
And I get it because

456
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,480
if you ever land into controversy
by choice or not by choice,

457
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,720
you become a story.

458
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,920
And the problem
of becoming a story is, uh…

459
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,440
you're milked for attention
no matter where you go.

460
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,520
Every time I was in New York,

461
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,680
or somewhere in the UK, a white journalist
would show up and they'll be like,

462
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:25,960
"Oh my God!

463
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:31,400
Can we do like a 9000-word exclusive on
how you're being silent on your plight?"

464
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,640
"I'm sorry, my plight?

465
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,440
Forgive me, madam. It feels like you need
some sort of eastern-oppression story

466
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,960
to feel better
about where you live. All right?"

467
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,920
Listen, somebody's--

468
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,560
Somebody's plight is like their erection.

469
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:48,480
All right?

470
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,960
I know it's hard to look at,
but it's rude to point it out.

471
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,360
And she's like, "You don't understand.
Our audience is huge

472
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:55,560
and they're gonna sympathise."

473
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,920
I'm like, "My audience is small,
but they're going to empathise, alright?"

474
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,800
Sympathy…

475
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,240
Sympathy is a porn video
that you watch for pleasure.

476
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,040
Empathy is an orgy.
We're all getting fucked together.

477
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,680
Now, listen, about 30% of you
responded to that joke.

478
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,000
And I need you to stay back
after the show.

479
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:18,600
That was…

480
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,120
not a metaphor.

481
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,040
"How's the Vir Das show?"
"He does a lot of crowd work.

482
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:27,000
It's really intense."

483
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:32,000
I genuinely think
that if you don't put them on the spot,

484
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:33,640
if you give them a safe space,

485
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,240
if you give them anonymity,

486
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,880
most people will have
an honest conversation.

487
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,880
Tell the truth and they know
right from wrong. Would you agree?

488
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:42,960
Right? I think so.

489
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,160
Let's find out.
Turn the lights out, Shastri.

490
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,000
Kavi, put the lights out.

491
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,560
Yeah, so the Christmas tree
doesn't go off.

492
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,600
I have five electricians on my crew,
nobody could fucking figure this out.

493
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,760
And this Special is gonna come out
in the summer,behenchods!

494
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,800
So--

495
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,320
British people, so we be honest
with each other, shall we?

496
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,840
Every time something happens
in your country,

497
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:31,080
80% of the world
has zero sympathy for you.

498
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,560
I'm sorry. It's just not been long enough.

499
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,600
You fucked around
and found out for so long

500
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,440
with so many countries,

501
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,240
and now you have the gall to complain
about too much diversity in England.

502
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,200
At this point, we don't even want
reparations anymore. Do we, Indian people?

503
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,280
At this point, I don't want your monarch
to return the Kohinoor.

504
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:56,720
I want him to swallow it.

505
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,040
Let's see if God really can save the King.

506
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,000
Let's have an honest conversation
right now. Do you wanna try?

507
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,840
Yes!

508
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,400
If we are being honest with each other,
you know

509
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:22,040
that since 2019,
we've all felt monitored and monetised.

510
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:25,640
That we are fed this story
of good vs evil,

511
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:29,440
but with every passing year
it just makes less and less sense

512
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:31,680
that we are worshiping false heroes

513
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,440
and celebrating a lack of intelligence

514
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:35,960
because of a morally bankrupt middle class

515
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,480
that is obsessed with consumption
and a cult of power.

516
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:47,000
Every single Indian person here

517
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,200
knows that since 2019,

518
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:55,480
there has not been a single good
Marvel movie and you know it, all right?

519
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,640
These are bullshit heroes…

520
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,760
…these are false stories.

521
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,000
Wait, what did you guys think
I was talking about?

522
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,360
Guys, that's just a joke about the MCU.

523
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaking of which,
right now, nobody can see you.

524
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:15,920
Nobody. You're safe.

525
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,880
Not the people above you, who ignore you.

526
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,080
Not the people below you, who you ignore.

527
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,200
But they can hear you.

528
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,440
Just make the noise
you want to be remembered for.

529
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,160
As an outsider, humbly, I just wanna say,

530
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:50,800
"I think your empire is ending."

531
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:54,800
It feels that way.

532
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,240
On the outside, you're kind of
like the hot girl from high school,

533
00:28:58,320 --> 00:28:59,680
who's back at the reunion…

534
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,120
…and now she's mad
that everybody else is hot too.

535
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:07,800
And China is the principal and…

536
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:11,520
And I think I know, like,

537
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:14,040
it's because all the smart people
in your country

538
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,960
behave like such corrupt assholes,
you stop listening to them.

539
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,280
You started listening to stupid people,
who were slightly smarter than you are,

540
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,920
and convinced yourself
that those were the smart people.

541
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:27,600
And now the entire world kind of looks
at you the way you looked at Joe Biden.

542
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,080
It's kind of like, "Ooh!"

543
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:39,880
"He doesn't know where he is anymore."

544
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,680
Let's just stay in this darkness
for a second.

545
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,200
In case someone has a gun.

546
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,600
All right, on the lights!

547
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,080
I don't think America
will ever get rid of guns.

548
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:04,280
Guns are your cricket.

549
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:07,760
And I firmly believe that every American

550
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,880
should be allowed to buy a gun
at any age without an ID.

551
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:12,280
Hang on.

552
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,360
But I think you need to change
your gun technology.

553
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,640
I think you need
to voice activate your guns.

554
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,040
Every time you wanna fire a bullet,
the gun will not fire

555
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:24,320
until you say something completely
and perfectly into the gun in your voice.

556
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,920
And I think what you have to say
is the entire 2nd Amendment.

557
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,120
So, it will change gun violence
forever, man.

558
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,080
Americans will be like,
"I'm a fucking kill you

559
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,240
after I study for two weeks."

560
00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:42,480
Two weeks later, he's like,

561
00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:45,120
"In the United States of America…"

562
00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,320
"…a well-trained militia
for the security of the state,

563
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,880
the right to bear arms
shall never be infringed."

564
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,520
Think about how many people
can run away in that much time.

565
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:57,520
If you make Apple handle your guns,

566
00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,000
you will solve foreign terrorism forever.

567
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:01,920
With Siri?

568
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,640
If I show up with my accent… "Siri!"

569
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:08,720
"…a well-trained militia
for the security of the state,

570
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,800
right to buy arms
shall never be infringed."

571
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,840
"There are five Starbucks in your area."

572
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:24,000
Oat milk cappuccino!

573
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:25,400
"Shoot all Filipinos?"

574
00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:26,800
"No! Hey!"

575
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:36,200
Guys, it's a tourist visa.
I'm not afraid of you.

576
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:37,880
Do you understand?

577
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,320
I'm in therapy.

578
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,280
My therapist is this woman
who holds a cup of chamomile tea

579
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,200
two centimetres away from her face
the entire session

580
00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:51,800
and never fucking sips it.

581
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,160
And her taking a sip
is now the only hope I have in therapy.

582
00:31:58,440 --> 00:31:59,960
Fucking Jedi!

583
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:01,880
The other day, she's like, "Mr. Das,

584
00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:04,440
a lot of comedians
have cruelty in their childhood.

585
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:07,840
So their definition of love
becomes withholding."

586
00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:11,520
And I was like, "Did you know
that a lion only fucks for 30 seconds?"

587
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,160
And she's like, "I didn't know."
And I was like, "Good! 'Cause that means

588
00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,160
one of us is bringingnewinformation
into this conversation."

589
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:24,520
"Mr. Das, I'm just trying to see
if you have any childhood trauma."

590
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,080
I'm like, "Bitch!
I grew up in India and Africa.

591
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,280
My trauma has childhood."

592
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:33,520
These are my childhood traumas.

593
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,680
When I was 12 years old,
a bully kicked me in my teeth so hard

594
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,280
I swallowed my own tooth,

595
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,760
and I was hospitalized and made to hydrate
so I would poop out my own tooth,

596
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:43,800
and I never did.

597
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:46,280
And I'm afraid it's still in there.

598
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:48,440
And one day, I would get an x-ray,

599
00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:52,000
and in the stomach of an adult male,
they will find a 12-year-old boy's tooth.

600
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:56,320
And they'll be like, "Mr. Das,

601
00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:58,400
what did you have
for breakfast this morning?"

602
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:00,280
I'll be like, "No, it's childhood trauma."

603
00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:02,600
and they'll be like, "Yeah,
for the child you fuckin' ate."

604
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:06,160
Listen, my parents knew
about mental health problems,

605
00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:08,800
but they gave me Indian solutions.

606
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,800
I'll be like, "Papa,
I have crippling anxiety."

607
00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:15,400
'"Huh huh,you do jumping jacks."

608
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,880
"Anxiety will jump out of your body.

609
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,040
Then you take turmeric for acid reflux."

610
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,680
Before the stadium show, I tried something
called myofascial release.

611
00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:27,640
Has anybody tried it?

612
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:28,880
Yeah! Yes!

613
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,160
Let me tell you about this.

614
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:31,640
I was in Copenhagen,

615
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:36,040
and this muscular 6′ 4″,
beautiful German man

616
00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,800
with blonde hair and blue eyes
walked into my hotel room.

617
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:41,120
I was like, "If there's more of you,
you deserve a Ryke."

618
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:46,240
And then he took his elbow,

619
00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,240
which was the only non-muscular part
of his body,

620
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,200
and shoved into my buttock
and started to move it around.

621
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:54,720
And he started to stroke my hair.

622
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:57,840
And he was like,
"You have a sadness deep inside you."

623
00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:01,680
And I was like,
"No, I have a German deep inside me."

624
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,960
And he was like,
"Your throat chakra is fully blocked."

625
00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:12,240
And I'm like, "That's 'cause you've shoved
my small intestine upwards inside it."

626
00:34:13,720 --> 00:34:15,640
And he's like, "You must let go."

627
00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:18,040
And I was like,
"I feel the same about you."

628
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,760
And he was like, "Release! Surrender."

629
00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:25,600
And I surrendered to these beautiful,
strong German arms.

630
00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:27,200
I felt like France.

631
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:32,560
And then, New York…

632
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,320
I had this beautiful emotional release.

633
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:38,640
It was just shattering. I…

634
00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:41,080
I didn't cry. I farted for 42 seconds.

635
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,520
And then his throat chakra was blocked.

636
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:49,760
There's just coriander everywhere
in the room.

637
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:52,920
I was mortified, right?

638
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:58,080
So I did the one thing every Indian does
when we're embarrassed abroad, right?

639
00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:01,920
I was like, "Sir, I'm from Pakistan."

640
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,200
It's fine!

641
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,320
Can I tell you why I went to therapy?

642
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:14,160
-Yeah.
-So I left and I did 186 shows abroad.

643
00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:15,360
Burnt myself out.

644
00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:17,320
My final show was in Singapore.

645
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:18,880
I was flying home, first class.

646
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,240
And…

647
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,160
I woke up, the pursur was there
and I was like,

648
00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:25,560
"How long till we land in Mumbai?"

649
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,360
And he was like,
"Oh, Mr. Das, this flight is to London.

650
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:31,440
It's 10 hours to LHR."

651
00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:34,360
Fuck you!

652
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:38,520
"Not London, Mumbai."
"We are flying to Mumbai!"

653
00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:40,360
He's like, "Mr. Das,
calm down right now."

654
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,320
Because you know,
when a brown man with a beard

655
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,680
starts yelling
a new destination for the plane…

656
00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:50,880
He was like, "Situation! Situation!"

657
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:58,000
I had put a show on sale
in London last minute. It had sold out.

658
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,560
Right? I had bought a ticket,
boarded a flight.

659
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,200
Seventy-two hours of my life blacked out.

660
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:05,080
Just gone.

661
00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,840
And then I got disoriented,
and I started to cry

662
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:10,160
in first class.

663
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:12,840
It's tragic, guys.

664
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:16,480
I cried and I drank
Dom Pérignon champagne,

665
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:17,640
and then…

666
00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:21,720
Then I whimpered and I put caviar
on melba toast.

667
00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:27,000
I cried all the way to England,
wishing I was India.

668
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,800
I felt like Lady Mountbatten.

669
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,040
A lot of you did not get that joke.

670
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:37,720
Shall I explain? I'll explain, all right.

671
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,920
So guys, caviar is fish eggs. Uh…

672
00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:44,880
Study your own history,behenchod!

673
00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:46,960
All right. Sorry, white people…

674
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,360
Uh…

675
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:52,000
Behenchod, uh…

676
00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:56,160
When you're happy,behenchodis kind of
what the N-word is amongst black people.

677
00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:58,880
Right? Fair? Say, "What up,behenchod?"

678
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,720
"Hey! He's mybehenchod, right?"

679
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:06,440
But when you're unhappy,behenchod
is like the N-word amongst white people.

680
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:11,200
Look at that,behenchod. Uh…

681
00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:14,440
And I went to my therapist, and I'm like,
"I'm blocking out entire days."

682
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:15,960
"Am I crazy?"

683
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:19,200
And she's like, "Mr. Das, it's 2024.
We don't use that word anymore."

684
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,080
I'm like, "I don't use dental floss.
That doesn't mean it doesn't exist."

685
00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:27,440
She's like, "Mr. Das, you have a problem
sitting quietly with your emotions.

686
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,280
Have you ever been quiet
and happy at the same time?

687
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,800
Why don't you tell me a story?"

688
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,080
I'm like, "I cannot believe
I'm paying for storytelling."

689
00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:41,040
And then I paid her the money to tell her
the story I just charged you for.

690
00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:44,400
This fuck all business model.

691
00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:46,680
Two weeks before the stadium show I broke.

692
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:48,840
You just cry.

693
00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:51,920
And the thought that breaks you is…

694
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:53,680
I'm a storyteller.

695
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:56,160
What if I don't get to…

696
00:37:57,600 --> 00:37:59,280
Or what if I do and it's not as…

697
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,200
You just cry silently.

698
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:05,720
Which looks pathetic on a man.
It looks like an orgasm on mute.

699
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,960
It's the noise that lets you know
which one it is, guys.

700
00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:20,000
I was like, "I know you can't hear me,
but can you see me?"

701
00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:21,800
When I was 24 years old,

702
00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,320
I was an illegal immigrant in Chicago.

703
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:25,640
I'd overstayed my visa.

704
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:27,880
I worked in a kitchen with Mexican cooks.

705
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,000
Brutal people!

706
00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:31,560
They called me, "Los plastos Kollega."

707
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:34,680
Sometimes, I'd sleep on the train.

708
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,400
My working hours were 8 a.m. to 3 a.m.
and you'd freeze.

709
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,440
And this guy called Sirquet
taught me this trick.

710
00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,040
He's like, "Hey,Kollega, come here!"

711
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:48,360
If your nipples are warm,
your body will be warm.

712
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,960
Then he put hot soup
from the restaurant into ziplock bags,

713
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,640
put every ziplock bag
into a black garbage bag,

714
00:38:54,720 --> 00:38:56,280
tied them together behind my neck

715
00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:58,280
so that the soup hung over here.

716
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:01,960
I wore a jacket and I was insulated
and warm all night long.

717
00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:04,720
Everybody left me alone on the train

718
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:07,360
because I was a brown man
with gigantic tits.

719
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:14,320
And you know, this was a couple of years
before the trans conversation.

720
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:16,240
But a couple of years after 9/11.

721
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,880
So, you know, even the Mexicans were like,

722
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:21,320
"Maybekollega…"
"…terrorista."

723
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:24,840
"Maybe… "

724
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:28,400
"Really massive, tasty black tits."

725
00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:30,120
And…

726
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:32,040
Some nights you wake up on the train, man.

727
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,400
It's fucking beautiful. It is.

728
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:35,440
You know.

729
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:37,520
You've got Coldplay in your ears,

730
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:39,680
warm soup on your nipples.

731
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:42,840
Your head's on the window.

732
00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:45,120
You come out of a tunnel…

733
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:48,720
you feel sunlight on your cheeks,
they get warm.

734
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:54,280
Your eyes go into this
non-religious shade of orange…

735
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:05,880
…and there's golden light on your face.

736
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:08,040
You feel seen.

737
00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:11,640
And you can't move because there's a…

738
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,280
massive homeless man
sleeping on top of you.

739
00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:21,000
Now, Indian women, some of you know this…

740
00:40:24,720 --> 00:40:27,560
…having been compressed
under a heavyset man.

741
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,920
Don't look at him, eyes front, eyes front.
Look at me right now.

742
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,240
The only thing
that will move that man is food, right?

743
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:36,080
So, I put this man in the window seat.

744
00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:37,280
His name was Eugène.

745
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:40,080
I fucking put him under the sun,
and I pulled out soup.

746
00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:41,920
He laughed his ass off.

747
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,320
He was like, "Hey man,
what else you got in them titties?"

748
00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:50,240
And I was like, "More soup."

749
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:51,840
And then his friends surrounded me.

750
00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:53,920
Like five black guys.
I gave them all soup.

751
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:57,240
And they all called me "a little soup
titty N-word" for five hours.

752
00:40:57,960 --> 00:40:59,800
"Hey, man, look at
this soup titty N-word."

753
00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:03,320
I have had Shah Rukh Khan tell me
he was proud of me.

754
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:05,560
I've had a woman call me
the love of her life.

755
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:09,120
Nothing comes close to five black guys
calling you the N-word.

756
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,800
It's also the most maternal
I've ever felt in my life.

757
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,920
You know, to pull your tit out
and nourish somebody.

758
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,720
Ladies, I get why you do it.

759
00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:23,600
And I told this story to my therapist,

760
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:27,200
and my therapist was like, "Mr. Das,
that was not a quiet story at all,

761
00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:29,440
and they're happier than you are,"
and I'm like, "Madam,

762
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,840
you don't understand
what I fucking do, do you?"

763
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:36,920
Look, happiness watched
is greater than happiness lived, alright?

764
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,280
Do you know what every crowd
has in common?

765
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,560
They look different. They sound the same.

766
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:45,280
Because happiness is a universal noise.

767
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:47,400
A human being is just a noise.

768
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:49,320
We die when we're silent.

769
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:51,920
If I could take every audience member
and put them in a suitcase,

770
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,480
and put them up on stage with me
and take them around the world,

771
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,280
so that they see it like I see it,

772
00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:59,960
and feel it like I feel it, you would
understand why people like stand-up.

773
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:04,120
Nobody is watching the comedian.
They're listening to the audience,

774
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:05,640
to happiness leave their body.

775
00:42:05,720 --> 00:42:07,840
Because happiness, when yelled,

776
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:12,360
Joy, when not protected,
but joy projected is hope.

777
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:13,760
It is strength.

778
00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:15,840
People with power understand that.

779
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:19,800
The scariest thing to them is
not the words that come out of my mouth,

780
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,880
it is the noise that comes out of theirs.

781
00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:25,640
Comedians just say words,
the audience tells the truth.

782
00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:28,480
And this is what I don't understand.

783
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:32,440
Why is no one arresting the audience?

784
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:41,920
They are the problem.

785
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:45,200
Look at them. They're so stupid.

786
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:49,080
So easily motivated
by some eloquent flattery.

787
00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:50,600
And my therapist was like, "Mr. Das,

788
00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:53,160
you have an aggressive
dis-associative disorder.

789
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:55,960
that is motivated by extreme PTSD."

790
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,600
And I was like, "You have
passive-aggressive tongue twisters

791
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:00,680
that are motivated by chamomile tea."

792
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,160
She's like, "Mr. Das,
your anxiety is out of control.

793
00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:07,800
I need to put you on medication.

794
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:09,560
What're your thoughts on beta-blockers?"

795
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:12,200
And I was like, "I believe
in a woman's right to choose."

796
00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:16,960
That joke gets better
if you think about it in Hindi.

797
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,760
"Also, I have an addictive personality.
I'm not gonna take pills."

798
00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,800
She's like, "All right. Then you need
to work out seven days a week.

799
00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,560
The endorphins will carry you
through your depression."

800
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,560
"So I should do jumping jacks."

801
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:41,320
She's like, "No, also take turmeric
for acid reflux."

802
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:44,480
Ladies and gentlemen…

803
00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:49,080
We're on a train.

804
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:52,040
That's all this life is.
It's a train in a fucking circle.

805
00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:55,280
And one step on that train,
one stop is unhappiness

806
00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:58,520
and utter despair and sorrow
and an ass whooping.

807
00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:01,160
Whether you're quiet
or whether you're happy,

808
00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:04,080
or whether you're careful
or whether you're reckless,

809
00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:07,720
the train will stop at that station
once in your life, I promise you.

810
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:09,760
Stick your tits out
and share your soup, all right?

811
00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,320
That's all I'm gonna say.

812
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:13,800
You could play
every card in the book right

813
00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:16,680
and one day, for no reason,
your voice will just

814
00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:17,840
go the fuck away.

815
00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:20,960
And then, one day, for no reason, it will…

816
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:25,120
Ten days before my stadium show,
something freed.

817
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:28,400
I don't know why this happened.

818
00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:30,400
But…

819
00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:32,200
Do you know what I think freedom is?

820
00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:36,160
When you're not constantly thinking about
whether you can speak,

821
00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:37,720
you can speak.

822
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:42,080
Like, my voice came back
not for doctors, or for healers.

823
00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:44,120
It came back for a food delivery guy.

824
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:49,360
He handed me a package of food,

825
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:53,160
and instinctively, without thinking,
I was like, "Thank you,bhaisaab."

826
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:56,200
It just came out.

827
00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:59,880
And I… I just fucking…
I held him, and I… I wept.

828
00:44:59,960 --> 00:45:02,880
For 20 minutes straight,
I just wept in his arms.

829
00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:05,760
And he was like, "You're very passionate
about kung pao chicken."

830
00:45:10,280 --> 00:45:13,720
And I was like, "Your back is very tight.
You have a sadness deep inside."

831
00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:20,160
Don't think about what you say,
and it will get you into trouble.

832
00:45:20,240 --> 00:45:22,640
And when you're in trouble,
do not think about what you say,

833
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,160
and it will get you out of trouble.

834
00:45:24,240 --> 00:45:26,560
Here are three quick stories
to end my show that prove that.

835
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:27,480
Are you ready?

836
00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:31,040
Number one. I was 18 years old
in the city of New Delhi

837
00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:32,480
on the back of a motorcycle.

838
00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:36,080
My friend Shusheel is driving us home
from a Delhi party at a farmhouse

839
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,120
where we have both dropped acid.

840
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:40,920
If you've ever driven in Delhi at night,
you know this,

841
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:42,480
you do not need the acid.

842
00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:47,120
There are preexisting illusions
like safety.

843
00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:50,600
We get up to a red light.

844
00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:53,400
While we're getting up to the red light,
a cat crosses the road.

845
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:55,000
It fucks with my brain.

846
00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:56,240
All of a sudden, at the red light,

847
00:45:56,320 --> 00:46:00,280
I see standing a 20-foot-tall pussycat
with one eye.

848
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:02,960
And there was light
shooting out of the cat's eye.

849
00:46:03,040 --> 00:46:06,440
And the cat was morphing
and dancing and changing

850
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:10,320
and as we got closer,
the cat morphed into a Delhi policeman…

851
00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:14,360
…with a torch in his hand.

852
00:46:14,880 --> 00:46:17,800
The Delhi police will shine a torch
in your eyes, we know this.

853
00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:20,160
They're like, "On the off chance
you haven't had an accident yet…"

854
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:28,320
We get up to this policeman,
who is 6'4", a sardar,

855
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,880
and I swear to God,
his name was Hunta Singh.

856
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:35,040
And as we start to flee,
he tries to flag us down.

857
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:39,360
I'm told, 18-years old, high on acid,
I make direct eye contact and go…

858
00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:49,440
If you think running away
from a Delhi policeman pisses them off,

859
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:50,680
try meowing at them.

860
00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:53,320
They go insane.

861
00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:55,440
He followed us for 3 kilometres.

862
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,880
We get to another red light,
and I still do not know why

863
00:46:57,960 --> 00:47:00,840
this is when my bastard friend
starts following traffic laws.

864
00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:04,000
He stops.

865
00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:07,560
Hunta Singh got off
and beat me with my helmet on.

866
00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:10,120
It still hurt.
I was like, "What is this helmet for?"

867
00:47:10,640 --> 00:47:12,560
Then he beat me with my helmet,

868
00:47:12,640 --> 00:47:14,640
and I understood what the helmet was for.

869
00:47:15,240 --> 00:47:17,160
Then he started hitting me
with his torch,

870
00:47:17,240 --> 00:47:20,320
which I thought was a magical light
and kept catching with my face…

871
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:22,760
…to taste his rainbow.

872
00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:27,720
Then, he looked at my friend,
and he was like, "Show me your license."

873
00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:30,400
And my friend Susheel pulled out
a learner's license.

874
00:47:31,720 --> 00:47:35,040
I don't mean to stop the show,
but does that… does that joke work here?

875
00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:37,040
Yeah, let me explain,

876
00:47:37,120 --> 00:47:39,400
So, uh, guys, in India,

877
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:42,880
on a learner's license,
you're not allowed to do acid.

878
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,480
Same? I see this license
go past my face

879
00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:52,760
and it's got like colours
and an aura and energy.

880
00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:54,040
I have an idea!

881
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:56,120
I also pull out my learner's license.

882
00:47:57,720 --> 00:47:59,360
I'm like, "Inspector Hunta Singh,

883
00:47:59,880 --> 00:48:01,520
if we combine…"

884
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:09,240
"…the power of two learner's licenses…"

885
00:48:10,240 --> 00:48:12,000
"…they will become a full license, sir.

886
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:14,800
Which is like saying,
if two college kids fuck each other,

887
00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:16,280
they will become a professor, sir."

888
00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:21,040
And he laughed so much,
he let me go.

889
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:23,120
Second story.

890
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:24,680
I was 35 years old.

891
00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:26,720
I was in a nightclub in Mumbai.

892
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:30,640
Thirty-five is old enough to know
how absurd the Indian fighting ritual is.

893
00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:35,000
I bumped up against this alpha male
when I was dancing, right?

894
00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:36,040
Bro got angry.

895
00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:38,240
He was like, "Bro! Are you okay?"

896
00:48:40,240 --> 00:48:42,040
I was really smashed.

897
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:44,120
I was like, "Yeah, it's really soft."

898
00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:46,680
Bro went insane.

899
00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:50,120
He was like, "Fucker!
Meet me outside after this song."

900
00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:55,240
After this song? Then…

901
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:57,920
Then for four minutes,
we just awkwardly danced…

902
00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:00,880
…while making eye contact

903
00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:03,200
until "Tunak Tunak Tuun" finished,

904
00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:06,240
which is the longest song in the world.

905
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:07,560
Legit, yo.

906
00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:11,600
This is one out of five choruses
of Daler Mehndi's masterpiece.

907
00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:14,080
Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun

908
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:16,640
Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun

909
00:49:16,720 --> 00:49:18,880
Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun
Tunak tunak tuun

910
00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:22,360
Fucking tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun

911
00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:24,040
Then it goes higher.

912
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:26,680
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun

913
00:49:26,760 --> 00:49:28,720
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun

914
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:31,760
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun

915
00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:34,440
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun

916
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:35,720
Then it goes lower.

917
00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:38,480
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun

918
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:40,920
Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun

919
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:43,760
Last one.Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun

920
00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:46,920
I lied.Tunak tunak tuun,
Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun

921
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,040
Fuck the song!

922
00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:51,160
Think about the emotional journey
we just went through right now.

923
00:49:51,680 --> 00:49:52,720
So they don't fight first.

924
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:54,800
First, they will stand around in a circle

925
00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:57,760
and tell you how many people
in your family they will fuck.

926
00:49:58,920 --> 00:50:01,960
I'll fuck your mother,
your sister, your brother.

927
00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:04,560
I will fuck your mother, father, gardener,

928
00:50:04,640 --> 00:50:06,000
your executive assistant.

929
00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:10,920
I'm like, "Am I needed for this?"

930
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:12,960
"You have a concrete plan, bro!"

931
00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:15,760
"I feel like…"

932
00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:19,240
"I feel like we're just gathering
to abuse a family."

933
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,400
The fight began, right?

934
00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:22,920
Fucking, I thought I'd land a punch.

935
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,600
This Punjabi guy stuck his chest
against my chest

936
00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:28,000
and started rubbing his chest
against my chest.

937
00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:29,920
I was like, "Sir!"

938
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:33,680
My nipples do not know the difference

939
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:36,720
between sensual friction
and aggressive friction.

940
00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:41,400
He got both of them equally perky
like a cathode-anode situation.

941
00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:45,120
Then he stuck his fucking face to my face.

942
00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:47,360
His pupil touched my pupil,

943
00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:49,200
and he saw my memories, all right?

944
00:50:50,120 --> 00:50:52,000
He was like,
"Is there a tooth in your stomach?"

945
00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:00,480
Then he fucking started breathing
hot air into my mouth.

946
00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:02,880
I started breathing hot air into his,

947
00:51:02,960 --> 00:51:04,480
just becoming the thing I despise,

948
00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:06,720
which is how I feel
about elections in India.

949
00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:09,800
Then he was like,
"What will you do? Will you do something?

950
00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:12,280
Do it, fucker! I want you to do it!"

951
00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:14,680
Which translates to,
"Do it! I want you to do it!

952
00:51:14,760 --> 00:51:16,680
Please do it. Do something.
Do it! Do it now!"

953
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:23,160
So I licked his ear.

954
00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:27,840
It was right there.

955
00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:32,040
I was like, "This is not confrontation.
This is consent."

956
00:51:32,640 --> 00:51:34,480
Oh, don't you judge my palate, all right?

957
00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:37,840
You have Bombay sandwiches from Mithibai.
That's ball-scratching bread, all right?

958
00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:45,360
And a wave of confusion
went over that man's face.

959
00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:48,920
You just saw him realise, "I don't know
if we are fucking or fighting!"

960
00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:51,000
Which is how I feel
about elections in India.

961
00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:55,440
And he went to his friends and he's like,
"But he isthat."

962
00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,200
Translation, "But he is that."

963
00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:02,720
You've ever been so confused,
your grammar deserts your homophobia?

964
00:52:03,760 --> 00:52:05,000
And then we didn't even fight.

965
00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:07,480
We just went inside
and danced for four more hours.

966
00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:09,840
Fuck me.

967
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:14,280
I just wanna take you in. There are
four minutes left in the show right now.

968
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:16,160
You know, I…

969
00:52:16,240 --> 00:52:18,240
I came to Mumbai with a suitcase

970
00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:21,640
and no contacts,
no money, no comedy scene,

971
00:52:21,720 --> 00:52:24,920
and there's a stadium here today.

972
00:52:28,120 --> 00:52:29,120
And then,

973
00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:31,000
you have a voice again.

974
00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:32,960
I did both shows.

975
00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:36,200
Right before the show,
you're standing backstage at a church,

976
00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:39,720
you're putting your foot up
on the stadium and

977
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:42,000
your voice is different.

978
00:52:42,600 --> 00:52:47,240
And when I say your voice is different,
I mean your voice is different.

979
00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:49,920
Six weeks ago, I didn't know
if I was gonna be here on stage.

980
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:53,840
This is insane, you know the--

981
00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:02,000
I was watching that… you know,
you remember Freddie Mercury inLive Aid,

982
00:53:02,080 --> 00:53:04,880
where he had no voice and he's like…

983
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:07,200
Oh shit!

984
00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:10,880
It's not the same.

985
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:17,760
And there's this whole other Special
that Netflix paid you lot of money to do,

986
00:53:17,840 --> 00:53:20,720
where you thought about everything
that you wanted to say,

987
00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:25,080
and you just don't
feel like thinking that much.

988
00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:27,080
All you can think is just…

989
00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:29,960
-Behenchod!
-Behenchod!

990
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,240
-Behenchod!
-Behenchod!

991
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,320
Behenchod! Behenchod!

992
00:53:35,400 --> 00:53:36,800
-Behenchod!
-Behenchod!

993
00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:38,160
-Behenchod!
-Behenchod!

994
00:53:38,240 --> 00:53:45,240
Behenchod!

995
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:51,560
Behenchod!

996
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:53,520
I was summoned by the Mumbai police.

997
00:53:56,680 --> 00:53:59,200
I was accused of stealing a joke
from myself.

998
00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:01,360
This is very confusing.

999
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,080
I wrote two shows about India,

1000
00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:05,880
and they both had one common topic
with different jokes.

1001
00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:10,000
Right? So I had to go and explain
joke structure to the Mumbai police.

1002
00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:12,880
Which I'm about to explain to you now.
Are you ready, yeah?

1003
00:54:13,400 --> 00:54:15,320
Mumbai, every joke has three parts.

1004
00:54:15,400 --> 00:54:18,000
Number one,
undeniable factual information.

1005
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:21,000
Number two, a premise.
Number three, a punchline. Observe.

1006
00:54:21,640 --> 00:54:23,520
Undeniable factual information.

1007
00:54:23,600 --> 00:54:26,320
Not all nipples are the same size.

1008
00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:28,760
Right? Here's a premise.

1009
00:54:28,840 --> 00:54:31,720
My nipples are like India and Pakistan.

1010
00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:34,280
Punchline.

1011
00:54:34,800 --> 00:54:38,480
They used to be a lot close,
but over the years, they just grew apart.

1012
00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:41,040
It's an okay joke. I'm just illustrating…

1013
00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:42,600
By the way, any Pakistani people here?

1014
00:54:42,680 --> 00:54:43,720
Yes!

1015
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:47,080
Listen, I love you guys.
You're always welcome in my show, alright?

1016
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:49,200
Don't put this on social media.

1017
00:54:54,160 --> 00:54:56,040
What's your name, buddy from Pakistan?

1018
00:54:56,120 --> 00:54:57,040
Shehzaad.

1019
00:54:57,120 --> 00:55:00,160
Shehzaad, I do believe that one day
our countries will be friends.

1020
00:55:00,240 --> 00:55:01,960
I do believe that. Genuinely. Yeah.

1021
00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:04,560
Uh--

1022
00:55:04,640 --> 00:55:05,640
I don't know. I just…

1023
00:55:07,600 --> 00:55:10,640
We just gotta find
some common… enemy.

1024
00:55:14,240 --> 00:55:16,240
Let's go blow up
the Maldives together, huh?

1025
00:55:17,240 --> 00:55:18,520
Fuck the Maldives.

1026
00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:21,160
Fucking, both our navies together,
Shehzaad. Let's do it, alright?

1027
00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:23,520
Sixty-five of our ships,
two of your jet skis…

1028
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,600
Even Shehzaad is like,
"Two jet skis, huh?"

1029
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:36,600
The point…

1030
00:55:36,680 --> 00:55:38,680
The point I'm trying to make is
in a different joke,

1031
00:55:38,760 --> 00:55:40,160
part one never changes.

1032
00:55:40,240 --> 00:55:41,960
Observe, Mumbai, here's a different joke.

1033
00:55:42,040 --> 00:55:45,520
Undeniable factual information,
"Not all nipples…"

1034
00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:46,880
"…are the same."

1035
00:55:46,960 --> 00:55:50,680
Here's a different premise.
My nipples are like politics in India.

1036
00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:54,040
Punchline.

1037
00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:56,680
For as long as I can remember,

1038
00:55:56,760 --> 00:55:58,760
the right is way more sensitive.

1039
00:55:59,800 --> 00:56:01,840
Now, that--

1040
00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:10,720
That joke is very easy to explain
to a comedy crowd in a stadium.

1041
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:13,800
Very tough to explain to the Mumbai police
at 8 o'clock in the morning.

1042
00:56:14,320 --> 00:56:16,240
My lawyer and I
are getting our files together

1043
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:19,240
in front of this Mumbai policeman
called Inspector Tapse.

1044
00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:22,000
He wants to get our attention.
He's like, "Hey!"

1045
00:56:26,040 --> 00:56:29,400
Immediately, every molecule
in my body just goes, "Daddy!"

1046
00:56:31,600 --> 00:56:34,000
And he looks at me
and he's like, "These jokes you do…

1047
00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:35,680
Are they funny?"

1048
00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:48,720
"Inspector Tapse, it's like,
not all nipples…" I do the entire routine.

1049
00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:52,600
I look at my lawyer who looks like
she wants to quit the profession of law

1050
00:56:53,120 --> 00:56:56,160
because her client is pinching his nipples
in a police station.

1051
00:56:56,240 --> 00:56:57,200
Zero response.

1052
00:56:57,280 --> 00:57:00,200
Now, when a joke's not going well,
a comedian turns the gun on themselves.

1053
00:57:00,280 --> 00:57:01,600
That's how you get the crowd.

1054
00:57:01,680 --> 00:57:05,640
So I'm like, "Inspector Tapse,
why am I actually going to jail for jokes?

1055
00:57:05,720 --> 00:57:08,480
Please just give me two months
to commit a real crime."

1056
00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:13,160
"And grow a real beard
because I am too tiny

1057
00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:14,640
and too pretty for jail, sir.

1058
00:57:14,720 --> 00:57:16,480
I will be humped in 15 minutes."

1059
00:57:17,920 --> 00:57:20,480
Finally, this man laughs. I get the laugh.

1060
00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:23,040
He's like, "You?
You will be humped in one minute."

1061
00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:29,440
"Wait. I will be humpedinone minute,
or I will be humpedforone minute?"

1062
00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:32,400
And he said, "Both."

1063
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:36,120
"But listen, you cannot
copyright topics in India.

1064
00:57:36,200 --> 00:57:39,680
I'm gonna take your statement.
Tell me everything you said in Marathi."

1065
00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:43,120
I don't…

1066
00:57:44,480 --> 00:57:45,440
So I'm like,

1067
00:57:50,680 --> 00:57:53,160
My chest testicles…

1068
00:57:57,440 --> 00:57:59,840
My chest testicles are different…

1069
00:57:59,920 --> 00:58:02,280
…heavy.

1070
00:58:02,360 --> 00:58:04,120
He's like, "Okay."

1071
00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:06,840
"West Mumbai and East Mumbai…"

1072
00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:13,000
"Coke studio, tunak tunak.

1073
00:58:14,440 --> 00:58:18,080
Me, man, man, man…

1074
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:20,600
testies spread, spread, spread."

1075
00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:25,200
He's like, "You should
do that on stage. It's very relatable."

1076
00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:28,640
I'm like, "Yeah,
but it's not really global."

1077
00:58:28,720 --> 00:58:31,040
He said, "Don't be silly.
Indian comedy is not global."

1078
00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:34,000
He writes it all down.

1079
00:58:34,080 --> 00:58:36,320
Every word.

1080
00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:39,360
He's like, "Now I need to confiscate
your passport. Hand it over."

1081
00:58:40,200 --> 00:58:41,160
I hand it over.

1082
00:58:41,680 --> 00:58:44,440
He puts it five feet away, inside a file,

1083
00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:47,480
under this paper
where some jokes are written.

1084
00:58:50,000 --> 00:58:53,840
"You lose your passport.
God has taken your passport, man."

1085
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:55,520
I prayed

1086
00:58:56,120 --> 00:58:57,280
in that police station.

1087
00:58:58,080 --> 00:59:00,600
And when I'm laughing…
When I'm desperate, I laugh.

1088
00:59:00,680 --> 00:59:02,520
And he's like, "Is something funny?"

1089
00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:05,360
I'm like, "Inspector Tapse,

1090
00:59:05,440 --> 00:59:09,320
you're writing my joke down
word for word in your file.

1091
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:12,080
Technically…"

1092
00:59:18,440 --> 00:59:20,080
"…that's copyright infringement."

1093
00:59:28,680 --> 00:59:30,240
And he laughs.

1094
00:59:30,800 --> 00:59:32,560
He's like, "You'll write a joke
about anything, huh?"

1095
00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:35,200
I'm like, "Sir, if you let me."

1096
00:59:35,840 --> 00:59:38,120
"Sir, I don't know,
but I promise you when I write the joke,

1097
00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:39,600
I will be the punchline."

1098
00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:42,680
-"And what about me?"
-"Sir, you will be an undeniable fact."

1099
00:59:42,760 --> 00:59:43,960
I promise you.

1100
00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:48,920
"Sir, please, I just need--"

1101
00:59:55,680 --> 00:59:57,040
"I will never forget this.

1102
00:59:57,800 --> 00:59:58,680
Thank you."

1103
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:02,960
"You make me look good."

1104
01:00:09,800 --> 01:00:13,200
"I'm gonna make you look like a God."

1105
01:00:31,440 --> 01:00:32,560
"Go now.

1106
01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:34,760
Are you happy?"

1107
01:00:46,240 --> 01:00:48,160
I wanted to do this
before we leave, because, you know,

1108
01:00:48,240 --> 01:00:50,360
um, I was told I have to.

1109
01:01:27,160 --> 01:01:31,280
Life, life, life, life,
Life, life, life is vertical

1110
01:01:33,160 --> 01:01:34,880
Life, life, life is, life is

1111
01:01:36,080 --> 01:01:38,200
Vir mama, Vir mama, life is

1112
01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:41,320
Life, life, life is, life is

1113
01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:44,120
Life, life is, life is vertical

1114
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:47,280
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1115
01:01:47,360 --> 01:01:50,480
Life, life, life, life, life, life
Vir mama, Vir mama

1116
01:01:50,560 --> 01:01:52,280
Life, life, life, life
World is changing

1117
01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:53,720
Life, life, life,
The world is changing

1118
01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:55,280
Life, life, life, life, life

1119
01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:57,360
The world is changing
Life is vertical

1120
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,680
Life, life, life, life is, life is

1121
01:02:01,800 --> 01:02:03,840
Vir mama, Vir mama, life is

1122
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:07,160
Life, life, life, life is , life is

1123
01:02:08,240 --> 01:02:09,800
Life is, life, life is vertical

1124
01:02:09,880 --> 01:02:13,000
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1125
01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:16,160
Life, life, life, life, life, life
Vir mama, Vir mama

1126
01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:19,400
Life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1127
01:02:19,480 --> 01:02:21,760
Life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1128
01:02:21,840 --> 01:02:22,960
Life is vertical

1129
01:02:24,480 --> 01:02:26,320
Life, life, life, life is, life is

1130
01:02:27,480 --> 01:02:29,320
Vir mama, Vir mama, life is

1131
01:02:30,920 --> 01:02:32,640
Life, life, life, life is, life is

1132
01:02:33,880 --> 01:02:35,520
Life is, life is, life is vertical

1133
01:02:35,600 --> 01:02:38,680
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1134
01:02:38,760 --> 01:02:41,840
Life, life, life, life, life, life
Vir mama, Vir mama

1135
01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:45,040
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1136
01:02:45,120 --> 01:02:47,440
Life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1137
01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:48,480
Life is vertical

1138
01:02:50,160 --> 01:02:52,000
Life, life, life, life is, life is

1139
01:02:53,120 --> 01:02:54,840
Vir mama, Vir mama, life is

1140
01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:58,400
Life, life, life, life is, life is

1141
01:02:59,520 --> 01:03:01,080
Life is, life is, life is vertical

1142
01:03:01,160 --> 01:03:04,440
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1143
01:03:04,520 --> 01:03:07,520
Life, life, life, life, life, life
Vir mama, Vir mama

1144
01:03:07,600 --> 01:03:10,760
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1145
01:03:10,840 --> 01:03:14,000
Life, life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing, Vir mama

1146
01:03:14,080 --> 01:03:17,120
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1147
01:03:17,200 --> 01:03:19,480
Life, life, life, life, life
The world is changing

1148
01:03:19,560 --> 01:03:20,960
Life is vertical