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[heartbeat pounding]
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[Shalabh Garg]
Ladies and gentlemen...
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it's time for the woman of the hour...
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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your headliner...
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and my wife...
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Zarna Garg.
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[♪ "Where's the Party Tonight"
by Shaan & others playing]
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[cheering and applause]
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♪ Do you feel alright? ♪
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♪ Wanna naach all night? ♪
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♪
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[♪ song fades out]
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Namaste, San Francisco!
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[cheering and applause]
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Namaste, so excited to be here.
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You know, the reason
I'm up here performing tonight
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and not sitting in the audience with you
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is because I'm the world's
only Indian who failed math.
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[laughter]
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I also didn't know how to build anything.
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Engineering schools
paid me to stay away.
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[laughter]
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And last year,
my family's motel went bankrupt.
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[laughter]
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I know, rest in peace, Red Roof Inn.
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[laughter]
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But my Instagram account is killing!
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- [cheering and applause]
- [Zarna laughing]
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You know, I started doing
standup comedy to make money,
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and somebody said,
"Why would you do that?
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There's no money in comedy."
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And I realized there's no money
in the way Americans do standup comedy.
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[soft laughter]
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Because they treat it like an art.
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[laughter]
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See, I put my practical Indian brain on
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and set it up like a business
from the get-go.
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[laughter]
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You wanna laugh,
I wanna trash my mother-in-law.
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[laughter and applause]
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- See, already in business.
- [laughter]
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And I've lived in America
for so many years.
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I love living here, but everything
is complicated in this country.
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My 11-year-old son
came home from school and said,
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"Mom, my school has asked me
to declare my pronouns.
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What should I say?"
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I said, "You tell them you are Indian.
Your pronoun is doctor."
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[laughter and applause]
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Right? Thank you.
Any doctors in the house?
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- [scattered cheers]
- Woo!
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Wow, so many.
Right here, doctor?
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- Why, why are you volunteering him?
- [laughter]
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You, you don't want to acknowledge
that you're a doc--
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What are you, a PhD or something?
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[laughter and applause]
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- Sometimes that happens.
- [laughter]
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Are you a doctor?
What kind of doctor?
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- Uh, infectious diseases.
- Infectious diseases, yeah!
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Coming in strong,
like this is an Indian room.
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You know we don't start with
no family medicine in here.
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[laughter and applause]
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Doctor?
What kinda doctor?
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[audience member replies indistinctly]
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Cardiology.
Yeah, good job, good job, yeah.
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[laughter]
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I, I should be happy.
I mean, he's a cardiology fellow.
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But, like, why is he out
on a Wednesday night?
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- [laughter]
- You know what I mean?
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Like, I'm not-- I don't wanna--
If I'm having, like, a heart situation,
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like, my doctor cannot be out having fun!
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Whatever you do,
you better not be smiling right now.
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You know what I mean?
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In your head, be thinking
about the MCAT questions.
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Think about all the fellowships
you're gonna apply to.
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Don't just stop with cardiology.
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There's heart transplant,
there's a lot more.
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[soft laughter]
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See? Smiling.
Stop that.
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[laughter]
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Right? No one wants to go
to a happy cardiologist.
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[soft laughter]
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Now, I've lived in America so many years,
and I'm still fully Indian, right?
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Like, I look Indian,
I wear Indian clothes,
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I have an Indian accent.
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I mean, I don't see the point
in dropping the accent now.
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[laughter]
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I mean, why would I not play
the diversity card?
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[laughter]
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I mean, how do you think
I get booked here?
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[laughter]
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But there is one place
where diversity doesn't work for me.
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It's in my own home.
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My kids, I hate to say this,
they're a little racist.
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[laughter]
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- They think I'm tech support.
- [laughter]
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All day long with the questions,
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"How does this work?
Where do I charge this?
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How do I plug this in?"
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I'm like, "First of all,
your call is very important to us.
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[laughter and applause]
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It will be answered in the order
in which it was received."
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[laughter]
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So, here's the thing,
I'm an immigrant,
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but I don't like other immigrants.
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[laughter]
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No, it's like that for all of us.
This is, this is not a new sentiment.
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Back in the day,
the Irish didn't like the Italians,
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and the Italians didn't like
the Puerto Ricans,
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and the Puerto Ricans
really didn't like the Dominicans.
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But then, the Dominicans
could play baseball, so they were fine.
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[laughter]
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And now, the Indians and the Chinese,
we can't stand each other.
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Because somebody decided
we all have to check the Asian box...
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- [soft laughter]
- ...for college applications.
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So, all our kids fighting
for the same 15 spots at Princeton.
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And meanwhile, those poor Singaporeans,
Filipinos, Japanese,
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they're like, "What did we do
to get stuck in this?"
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[laughter]
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And be honest, like, when you see me,
do you even think Asian?
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Do you think, "I bet she knows
where the best dim sum is?"
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[laughter]
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No, you see me and you think,
"I bet her uncle owns a Dunkin' Donuts."
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[laughter and applause]
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And he does!
[laughing]
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Two of them!
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[laughter]
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But I am a super proud Indian woman.
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I walk around America wearing a bindi,
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so people have a lot of questions
about what is it?
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"What is a bindi?
Why do you wear it?
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Is it a jewel?
Is it painted on?"
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It's nothing, it's a sticker.
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It's the same sticker Macy's uses
to mark down their clothes.
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[laughter]
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Sometimes I go to Macy's
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and I see something that I like
that's not on sale.
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[laughter and applause]
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You know I'm doing it.
[laughing]
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And people also always want to know
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if you have to be married
to wear the bindi.
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This is a question that
comes up a lot in America.
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Do you have to be married
to wear the bindi?
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And, no, you don't.
Any woman anywhere can wear the bindi.
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Married women do tend to wear it more.
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Even I started wearing mine
after I got married
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because I needed the world
to know that now I'm a bargain.
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[laughter]
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Because we all know a car
loses 50% of its value
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the minute it's driven off the lot.
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And I know some of you
are feeling bad for me.
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You're like,
"Aw, she's calling herself a used car."
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Don't worry about me.
I know my worth, I'm a Tesla.
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[laughter]
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We don't have a sign or a symbol
of marriage in our culture as such.
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We don't do engagement rings,
we don't do wedding rings.
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That's not a thing in the Indian culture.
We don't even do wedding cakes.
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Uh, but, I mean, no--
Oh, somebody is like, "Aw."
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- [laughter]
- No, no, it's okay.
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If you're invited
to an Indian wedding, please go.
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There's a lot of dessert.
We are world champions in diabetes.
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[laughter]
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But we don't do cakes,
because if we were to do a cake,
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what would we put on top of it?
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What do you put on top of a cake,
a wedding cake here?
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What do you put on top of it?
A bride and groom, right?
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What would the Indians put,
two sets of parents shaking hands?
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[laughter]
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It would be like, "Singh family,
come on up, Singh family.
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"15 people, get on the cake.
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"Shah family, you also
get on the cake, all of you.
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"Jump right on.
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"Where is the bride?
She fell down.
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[laughter]
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Which one is the groom?
They all look alike."
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[laughter]
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There would so many people
on top of an Indian wedding cake,
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it would become a pancake.
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[laughter]
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The closest thing we have
to a symbol of marriage in our culture
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is actually a necklace.
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It's a necklace that we get
at the end of the wedding ceremony.
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It's called a mangalsutra,
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and I'm wearing mine
to show you guys.
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This is a mangalsutra.
It's pretty, right?
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From a distance, it might look
like a rapper's medallion.
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[laughter]
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You might look at it and think,
"Is she Z Diddy?"
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[laughter]
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"Or maybe she's Kanye East."
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[laughter]
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Or maybe there was a sixth
Spice Girl, Turmeric.
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[laughter]
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But this necklace
is none of those things.
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This necklace is $14.99 on Amazon.
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[laughter]
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And like all things Indian,
it is very practical.
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See, Indian people,
we like practical things.
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We like things
that have multiple functions.
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No, we like practical things,
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so this necklace, that way,
does a lot of heavy lifting.
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What's a ring gonna do?
It sits there and does nothing all day.
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This necklace, black and gold,
kind of goes with everything, right?
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Then, little black beads
around the neckline, very slimming.
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[laughter]
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And you get the necklace
the day you get married.
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In a few months, few years,
you realize one day
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what your life has become,
and you need to hang yourself.
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[laughter and applause]
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See how it does everything for you?
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[laughter]
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And I love that you guys
laughed at that joke
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because that is
my mother-in-law's favorite joke.
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[laughter]
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My mother-in-law lives in India,
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but comes to America
for three months at a time.
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- [soft laughter]
- Right?
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It's like she has her own season.
"Winter is coming."
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[laughter]
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And the mother-in-law relationship
in our culture
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is very, is very interesting.
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Here in America,
when people get engaged or married,
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they exchange the rings
between the two people, right?
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We're making the commitment.
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Not so about this necklace.
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This necklace, even though
it's a symbol of marriage,
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is usually a gift from the mother-in-law
to the daughter-in-law.
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So, you can imagine
how much love goes into it.
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[laughter]
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And one time, my friend,
Seema, was getting married,
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and she got a beautiful
mangalsutra with diamonds,
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and even a ruby.
Right?
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And we were all so jealous.
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And then, we found out
that the day after the wedding,
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the mother-in-law took it back.
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- [laughter]
- She said, "Are you crazy?
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This necklace wasn't for you,
it was just for the photos."
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So, I said,
"Seema, good thing I wasn't there.
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"Otherwise, I would've asked her,
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'Do I keep the husband,
or is he also just for the photos?'"
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[laughter and applause]
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'Cause mother-in-laws
are like that, right?
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And my mother-in-law lives in India,
so people here often think,
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how involved can she be in my life?
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[laughter]
247
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:17,236
Very.
I'll give you an example.
248
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,656
We had a day of fasting
in our culture a few weeks ago
249
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,324
called Karva Chauth.
250
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:25,536
Now, on this day, Hindu wives fast
251
00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:27,955
so their husbands can live a longer life.
252
00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:30,041
[laughter]
253
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:37,548
Now, first of all, if I'm fasting,
everybody's life is in danger.
254
00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:40,051
[laughter]
255
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:47,516
But Karva Chauth was coming up,
so my mother-in-law called me from India.
256
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:50,936
And now, you have to understand something
about my mother-in-law.
257
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:54,648
I've been married to her son,
my husband, for 25 years.
258
00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,568
She hasn't fully made her peace
with the idea...
259
00:12:57,569 --> 00:13:00,738
- [laughter]
- ...that we are family.
260
00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:03,115
So, every time she talks to me,
261
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,660
she opens the conversation
with the words, "Hi-hi."
262
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,579
[laughter]
263
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:14,001
Now, "hi-hi" is an Indian expression
of extreme despair.
264
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,878
[laughter]
265
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:18,422
Like, "Oh, my God."
266
00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:22,676
Or you know how the Jewish culture,
they say, "Oy vey,"
267
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:26,263
or in the Muslim community, "Yallah,"
268
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,266
or as my Black friends
like to say, "Damn!"
269
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:32,020
[laughter]
270
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:38,359
So, anyway, Karva Chauth
was coming up,
271
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:42,072
and my mother-in-law called me from India
and she goes, "Hi-hi.
272
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:45,407
I hope you're fasting for my son."
273
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:47,493
I said, "Intermittent fasting."
274
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:50,580
[laughter and applause]
275
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,708
[cheering and applause]
276
00:13:57,420 --> 00:14:01,006
The thing is that I've been trying
to have an honest and open relationship
277
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,384
with her forever, since day one.
278
00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:05,928
We-- You know, we encourage
each other to tell the truth
279
00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:09,640
so that, you know, we can al-always have,
like, a happy relationship.
280
00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:12,267
And back in the day,
when my daughter was born,
281
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:15,938
she came over to help
when she was a newborn baby.
282
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,981
Now, whether she helped or not...
283
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,234
[laughter]
284
00:14:20,235 --> 00:14:22,820
...we will not get into that.
285
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:25,864
But she was here
when my daughter was a newborn.
286
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,951
And while she was here,
she saw my husband
287
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:31,995
change her diaper many times.
288
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,289
See, you heard that?
"Ooh."
289
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,499
[laughter]
290
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,836
So, she took me aside
and she said, "Hi-hi.
291
00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:40,504
[laughter]
292
00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:45,009
As long as I'm alive,
can you please not make him do this?"
293
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:49,471
So, I told her, I said, "Listen,
I understand if you have to go."
294
00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:52,559
[laughter and applause]
295
00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,820
And I make mother-in-law jokes,
so people always want to know
296
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,239
what she thinks of my comedy career.
297
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,616
And the truth is--
You wanna know?
298
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:13,120
Yeah, you're curious.
See, everybody's curious about this.
299
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,747
Okay, I'll tell you the truth.
300
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:18,667
The truth is that when I first started,
I didn't tell her I was doing this.
301
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,919
I wasn't sure how she was gonna take it.
302
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,838
But her bitchy friends...
303
00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:25,215
[laughter]
304
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:28,720
...follow me on social media,
and run and go report me to her.
305
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:33,432
So, she called me from India
and she goes, "Hi-hi.
306
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,100
[laughter]
307
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:38,395
Is it true you make jokes about me?"
308
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:42,566
I said, "Kind of,"
and I just disregarded it.
309
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,943
Then she goes,
"You make money doing this?"
310
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,237
- [laughter]
- I said, "Sort of."
311
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,406
Pssh, pushed it aside.
312
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:53,285
And then, she got really quiet,
so I got nervous.
313
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:56,246
I said, "Are you upset with me?
Do you want me to stop?"
314
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,916
And she goes, "If it makes money,
you tell people
315
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:01,752
that your father-in-law
likes to do it doggy style."
316
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:04,547
[laughter]
317
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:13,305
You guys laugh,
I haven't looked him in the eye!
318
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,973
[laughter]
319
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,184
And, apparently, neither has she!
320
00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:20,980
[laughter and applause]
321
00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:30,280
And people also always wanna know
322
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:33,117
what my husband thinks
of my comedy career.
323
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:36,245
His own friends tease him,
they're like, "How can you let your wife
324
00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,330
talk about your mother in this way?"
325
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:42,209
And he tells them, he's like, "Every woman
talks about her mother-in-law this way.
326
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,753
Mine just figured out
how to get paid for it."
327
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:46,672
[laughter]
328
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,758
[cheering and applause]
329
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,845
But my husband and I,
we're really good.
330
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:55,639
We've been married 25 years,
we're so happily married.
331
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,516
Never said a word to each other.
332
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,143
[laughter]
333
00:16:59,144 --> 00:17:01,645
The big secret to our happy marriage
334
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,272
is we don't communicate.
335
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:05,607
[laughter]
336
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:08,527
In case of emergency, hand signals.
337
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,406
- [laughter]
- You know.
338
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:19,706
[laughter and applause]
339
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,043
That's it,
we don't need any more than that.
340
00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:26,920
And we're a very classic
immigrant couple.
341
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:29,089
We've never said "I love you"
to each other.
342
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:31,759
It's not something we do, right?
You kn-- Right?
343
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,719
Indian couples,
it's not like a everyday thing.
344
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,721
We don't say, "I love you."
Any couples here?
345
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,557
You guys look young, you probably
still say "I love you" to each other.
346
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,477
Oh, oh, yeah, he's like,
"Yes, yes, we're very American."
347
00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:42,895
[soft laughter]
348
00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:45,647
Okay, any--
Where's the other Indian couple?
349
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:47,816
Fifteen, 16 years, you said?
350
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,818
Fifteen?
You say "I love you" to each other?
351
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:54,532
- [audience member] I love you.
- You just said it now? You-- Wait, what?
352
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:57,451
Are you just kind of breaking it to her?
353
00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:59,119
[laughter]
354
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,579
That felt like-- Did you--
355
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,831
He's like, "Let me just say it
right now, let me just..."
356
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:03,957
[laughter]
357
00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:07,586
As it is, the immigrants are very
stressed out in America right now.
358
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:10,756
We're all trying to be good Americans,
we're like, "Because we're in America,
359
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:13,342
'I love you' every time
to everybody at all times!"
360
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:15,428
[laughter and applause]
361
00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:20,849
This is what this latest election
has done to us.
362
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:23,102
We are under a lot of pressure
to say "I love you" now
363
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:25,229
because it's American to do that.
364
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:27,356
But now, because we live in America,
365
00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:31,820
we're under a lot of pressure
to say it, all the time.
366
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:34,822
Like, "Uber driver, I love you."
367
00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:37,074
[laughter]
368
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,993
Walgreen guy gave you a bag,
"I really love you."
369
00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:41,870
[laughter]
370
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,665
[laughing]
Like...
371
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:47,209
But just because we don't say
"I love you"
372
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,169
doesn't mean there's not
a lot of love there.
373
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:50,921
There's a lot of love there.
374
00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:52,965
Even in my case,
I don't say, "I love you,"
375
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,717
but I show my husband my love.
376
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:56,593
I check all his emails for him.
377
00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:58,929
[laughter]
378
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:02,057
And because I know
I'm not the only snoopy type
379
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,184
in this audience right now,
380
00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:06,937
I'm gonna give you guys
a pro-grade tip.
381
00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,815
Nothing naughty happens
over email anymore.
382
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,066
[laughter]
383
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:14,153
It has all moved to LinkedIn DMs.
384
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,031
[audience groaning]
385
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:21,035
How do I know this?
I know this because, one time,
386
00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:24,329
my husband fell asleep
with his laptop open.
387
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:27,041
Now look, if the laptop
is already open,
388
00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:29,209
it's not my fault if I see something.
389
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,045
- [laughter]
- Right?
390
00:19:31,046 --> 00:19:33,630
I was just cleaning it,
making it nice for him.
391
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,090
[laughter]
392
00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:37,634
And his LinkedIn DMs popped up,
393
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:42,223
and there was a message
from his work friend, Angelie.
394
00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:48,020
She's like, "Hey, Shalabh,
congrats on the new promotion.
395
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,813
We should catch up."
396
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,900
[laughter]
397
00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:58,572
I said, you know what,
let me take care of this for him.
398
00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:00,783
- [laughter]
- And I just wrote her back.
399
00:20:00,784 --> 00:20:03,118
I said, "No need to catch up, he's dead."
400
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,955
[laughter]
401
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:08,958
Angelie.
402
00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:13,337
My husband and I, we are so good,
403
00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:16,590
we decided to make a life
in New York City
404
00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:19,259
- because we hate money.
- [soft laughter]
405
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:23,639
And, surely, you guys in San Francisco
understand that, right?
406
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,349
That was the saddest.
Like, did you hear?
407
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,227
Like, the whole room
went like, "Yes."
408
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:31,271
I see a lot of glasses of water
on the t-- I know.
409
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,607
- I understand.
- [laughter]
410
00:20:33,608 --> 00:20:36,318
It's not looking good.
I said-- Even the cardiologist.
411
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:38,445
- Oh, poor thing.
- [laughter]
412
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:41,157
What to do now?
You know what to do.
413
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:43,784
And have you noticed something?
414
00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:46,328
Let me, let me tell you something
I've observed recently
415
00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:48,330
about people back home in India.
416
00:20:48,331 --> 00:20:50,666
How many immigrants in this room?
417
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,209
- Any immigrants?
- [scattered cheers]
418
00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:55,421
So many immigrants, right?
And you-- wherever country you are from,
419
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,297
I've noticed a trend back home.
420
00:20:57,298 --> 00:21:00,092
Maybe it's true in whatever country
you guys are from.
421
00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:03,637
The Indians back home in India
are very rich now.
422
00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:05,764
Have you noticed that?
423
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:08,892
- How did this happen?
- [laughter]
424
00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:10,602
That was not the deal.
425
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,187
[laughter]
426
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:15,024
The deal was that we leave India,
we come here,
427
00:21:15,025 --> 00:21:17,860
and we make money,
and they stay in India,
428
00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:20,070
they have the family,
they have the culture,
429
00:21:20,071 --> 00:21:22,991
- and they stay poor!
- [laughter]
430
00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:27,953
And now, they're very, very rich.
431
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:31,457
And, of course, somehow,
this is my husband's fault,
432
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:34,126
so I was yelling at him one day.
I'm like, "What did we do?
433
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:36,795
"Why did we come to America?
What do we have here?
434
00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:38,881
What do we have?"
435
00:21:38,882 --> 00:21:41,633
And he said to me, he goes,
"What are you going on about?
436
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:44,637
- You have me."
- [laughter]
437
00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:48,849
I was like, "Oh, God,
it's worse than I thought!"
438
00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:51,478
[laughter]
439
00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:56,690
But people in India
have crazy money.
440
00:21:56,691 --> 00:21:59,443
Like, my friend just bought a yacht.
441
00:21:59,444 --> 00:22:01,070
She lives in India.
442
00:22:01,071 --> 00:22:03,947
My friend, Nandini,
bought a yacht.
443
00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:05,616
She lives in Delhi.
444
00:22:05,617 --> 00:22:08,703
[laughter and applause]
445
00:22:11,414 --> 00:22:16,211
Explain to me why Nandini
in Delhi needs a yacht.
446
00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:19,130
Delhi is landlocked.
447
00:22:20,215 --> 00:22:22,509
What is she gonna do next,
buy an ocean?
448
00:22:23,551 --> 00:22:26,053
And if she gets an ocean,
I want Australia.
449
00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:27,596
[laughter]
450
00:22:27,597 --> 00:22:30,557
You are having so much fun
with this joke, sir.
451
00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:33,435
You're, you're-- Are-- You live here?
You live in America?
452
00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:35,938
- Yeah, are you an immigrant?
- [audience member] Very so.
453
00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:39,191
"Very so," wow.
Oh, "very so," let's find out.
454
00:22:39,192 --> 00:22:40,776
[laughter]
455
00:22:40,777 --> 00:22:42,277
No, no, it's okay.
Where are you from?
456
00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:44,113
- Goa.
- From Goa.
457
00:22:44,114 --> 00:22:45,531
And what do you do here?
458
00:22:45,532 --> 00:22:46,990
[speaking indistinctly]
459
00:22:46,991 --> 00:22:48,368
You work in a ho...
460
00:22:49,577 --> 00:22:52,746
He works in a hospital.
Okay, are you a doctor?
461
00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:55,165
- [laughter]
- Are you PhD?
462
00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:57,584
- Yes.
- You're a PhD?
463
00:22:57,585 --> 00:23:00,963
Oh, that's why he's like, "No, no, no,
I can't talk about what I do."
464
00:23:00,964 --> 00:23:02,881
- [laughter]
- "No, no, no."
465
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,633
Oh, I see, I see.
Okay, I'm sorry.
466
00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:06,343
I didn't mean to troll you at all.
467
00:23:06,344 --> 00:23:09,304
Yeah, 'cause we all know that PhD,
468
00:23:09,305 --> 00:23:11,390
that was a wrong road you went down.
469
00:23:11,391 --> 00:23:14,101
[laughter]
470
00:23:14,102 --> 00:23:16,103
This is why-- Like, that--
Did you see?
471
00:23:16,104 --> 00:23:18,230
He did not say,
"I'm a doctor."
472
00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:20,441
Not in this room, not--
473
00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:22,651
If this was a white people room,
no problem.
474
00:23:22,652 --> 00:23:24,862
He would've been like,
"I'm a doctor, damnit!"
475
00:23:24,863 --> 00:23:27,698
- Not in a brown people room.
- [laughter]
476
00:23:27,699 --> 00:23:30,075
Hey, if he would've said
he's a doctor here,
477
00:23:30,076 --> 00:23:31,994
these two would've sprung up
right now.
478
00:23:31,995 --> 00:23:34,830
[laughter]
479
00:23:34,831 --> 00:23:37,082
This guy never lifted a finger on anybody,
480
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:39,168
but he would've been like,
"I'ma just show you right now!"
481
00:23:39,169 --> 00:23:41,503
[laughter]
482
00:23:41,504 --> 00:23:44,256
What is your PhD in?
Is it at least some kind of STEM?
483
00:23:44,257 --> 00:23:45,758
Or you did PhD in English?
484
00:23:45,759 --> 00:23:47,844
[laughter and applause]
485
00:23:50,055 --> 00:23:52,057
[Zarna laughing]
486
00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:57,687
This has been a hard one
to wrap my head around, honestly.
487
00:23:59,439 --> 00:24:02,399
And then, as if it wasn't bad enough
that we live in New York City,
488
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,692
we had three kids.
489
00:24:03,693 --> 00:24:05,861
Why did we decide
to have three kids?
490
00:24:05,862 --> 00:24:08,655
Why, what possessed us?
You know what I mean?
491
00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:10,657
Two made sense.
492
00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:12,951
Two made sense
because my oldest was a girl.
493
00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:15,913
- I had to fix that.
- [laughter]
494
00:24:15,914 --> 00:24:18,457
No, she's fine!
She has a therapist.
495
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:20,209
[laughter]
496
00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:22,211
That's right, I pay $350 an hour
497
00:24:22,212 --> 00:24:24,338
for the two of them
to talk shit about me.
498
00:24:24,339 --> 00:24:27,257
[laughter]
499
00:24:27,258 --> 00:24:30,135
But after my girl,
I have two boys.
500
00:24:30,136 --> 00:24:32,138
- Woo-hoo!
- [scattered cheers]
501
00:24:33,181 --> 00:24:36,266
And my oldest is my daughter.
She's, she's such a good kid.
502
00:24:36,267 --> 00:24:38,686
She's a student at Stanford University.
503
00:24:38,687 --> 00:24:40,604
[scattered cheers]
504
00:24:40,605 --> 00:24:42,565
Thank you.
See, I know what I'm doing.
505
00:24:43,566 --> 00:24:46,151
And she worked really hard
to get into Stanford.
506
00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:48,237
Honestly, she, she had it all.
507
00:24:48,238 --> 00:24:51,281
She had the GPA,
she was captain of her sports team.
508
00:24:51,282 --> 00:24:54,243
She was class president,
she had the SAT scores.
509
00:24:54,244 --> 00:24:57,037
Of course, she had
the SAT scores, right?
510
00:24:57,038 --> 00:24:58,122
Right?
You're nodding.
511
00:24:58,123 --> 00:25:01,125
Yeah, the minute I said "SAT",
all the Indians sat up.
512
00:25:01,126 --> 00:25:04,170
- [laughter]
- They're like, "That's our Super Bowl.
513
00:25:05,588 --> 00:25:08,549
Let's go, let's do one right now.
Pull it out."
514
00:25:08,550 --> 00:25:11,510
[laughter]
515
00:25:11,511 --> 00:25:13,512
But my daughter, really,
she, she had it all.
516
00:25:13,513 --> 00:25:16,724
She even rescued a puppy
from a burning building.
517
00:25:16,725 --> 00:25:18,058
[audience]
Aww.
518
00:25:18,059 --> 00:25:19,768
I put the puppy in there.
519
00:25:19,769 --> 00:25:21,855
[laughter]
520
00:25:23,189 --> 00:25:25,525
But no one needs to know that story.
521
00:25:26,693 --> 00:25:29,737
My daughter, she's also found
a cure for leukemia,
522
00:25:29,738 --> 00:25:31,989
but we're holding that one
for grad school.
523
00:25:31,990 --> 00:25:33,240
[laughter]
524
00:25:33,241 --> 00:25:37,412
Because you can't just pile on
all the stories in one application.
525
00:25:39,998 --> 00:25:42,583
And my daughter is a good kid.
She's at Stanford.
526
00:25:42,584 --> 00:25:46,086
I should be so proud of her,
but I'm not, I'll tell you why.
527
00:25:46,087 --> 00:25:49,883
Because she's the classic older child
of an immigrant family.
528
00:25:51,009 --> 00:25:55,220
She is a dramatic,
overthinking mess.
529
00:25:55,221 --> 00:25:58,433
Everything in her life
is a catastrophe.
530
00:25:59,351 --> 00:26:02,102
Everything upsets her, you know?
You're, you're nodding, sir.
531
00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:04,605
- You have a daughter like that?
- [laughter]
532
00:26:04,606 --> 00:26:06,648
Right?
I have all the parents in the room,
533
00:26:06,649 --> 00:26:09,193
they're like, "Yes, we have one of these."
534
00:26:09,194 --> 00:26:11,695
See, everybody either
has one of these kids,
535
00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:14,281
is one of that kid,
or knows one of those kids.
536
00:26:14,282 --> 00:26:15,699
[laughter]
537
00:26:15,700 --> 00:26:16,992
So, I'll give you an example.
538
00:26:16,993 --> 00:26:19,495
She was taking a computer class
in college,
539
00:26:19,496 --> 00:26:22,122
and the computer teacher
told the whole class,
540
00:26:22,123 --> 00:26:25,250
"Some of you will find
this class challenging."
541
00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:28,922
But what she heard is,
"I'm a loser...
542
00:26:30,048 --> 00:26:33,634
I'm never going to pass,
I'm never going to graduate."
543
00:26:33,635 --> 00:26:37,763
And some version of this
goes on in her life every day.
544
00:26:37,764 --> 00:26:40,391
And every day,
I have to talk her off the ledge
545
00:26:40,392 --> 00:26:43,018
and remind her that
she's going to be fine,
546
00:26:43,019 --> 00:26:44,269
she's going to graduate.
547
00:26:44,270 --> 00:26:46,563
And if nothing works out for her,
we will send her
548
00:26:46,564 --> 00:26:48,649
to medical school in Barbados.
549
00:26:48,650 --> 00:26:51,736
[laughter and applause]
550
00:26:54,739 --> 00:26:56,740
I mean, we won't tell our friends.
551
00:26:56,741 --> 00:26:59,160
[laughter]
552
00:27:01,371 --> 00:27:02,746
But forget about my daughter.
553
00:27:02,747 --> 00:27:04,748
Let me tell you
about my 17-year-old son.
554
00:27:04,749 --> 00:27:07,042
So handsome.
I show you photo afterwards of him.
555
00:27:07,043 --> 00:27:08,752
[laughter]
556
00:27:08,753 --> 00:27:12,840
So handsome, my 17-year-old boy,
such a good boy.
557
00:27:12,841 --> 00:27:16,677
But his biggest problem
is that he knows he's handsome.
558
00:27:16,678 --> 00:27:20,889
Do you know the type when somebody
is very aware of their own good looks?
559
00:27:20,890 --> 00:27:23,058
So, my husband
was yelling at him one day
560
00:27:23,059 --> 00:27:25,811
like every normal Indian father does.
561
00:27:25,812 --> 00:27:29,023
He's like, "You're not
advanced enough in calculus!
562
00:27:29,024 --> 00:27:32,276
Why are you wasting time
with the drama club?"
563
00:27:32,277 --> 00:27:35,988
And my son looked at his dad
and said, "Dad,
564
00:27:35,989 --> 00:27:38,907
life works out differently
for attractive people."
565
00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:41,578
[audience groaning and laughing]
566
00:27:44,914 --> 00:27:48,167
And I know I should get mad at him,
but he's so handsome.
567
00:27:48,168 --> 00:27:50,879
[laughter]
568
00:27:53,006 --> 00:27:56,800
But I am learning so much
about having kids
569
00:27:56,801 --> 00:27:58,427
and life in America.
570
00:27:58,428 --> 00:28:01,221
See, the thing is,
when you're an immigrant,
571
00:28:01,222 --> 00:28:05,435
until you have kids, you're like basically
on an extended study abroad.
572
00:28:06,436 --> 00:28:08,437
You have your backpack,
you go where you wanna go,
573
00:28:08,438 --> 00:28:10,647
do what you wanna do,
it doesn't really matter.
574
00:28:10,648 --> 00:28:14,485
The minute you have kids,
you get pregnant, it gets real
575
00:28:14,486 --> 00:28:16,737
'cause now you're,
like, building this life,
576
00:28:16,738 --> 00:28:19,823
and the differences
start showing up immediately.
577
00:28:19,824 --> 00:28:23,243
You get pregnant in India,
it's a celebration.
578
00:28:23,244 --> 00:28:25,788
There might be a party.
There's so much joy
579
00:28:25,789 --> 00:28:28,499
associated with the news
of the pregnancy.
580
00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:31,418
You get pregnant in America,
you get a book.
581
00:28:31,419 --> 00:28:33,587
[laughter]
582
00:28:33,588 --> 00:28:36,090
What to Expect When You're Expecting.
583
00:28:36,091 --> 00:28:38,926
[laughter and applause]
584
00:28:38,927 --> 00:28:41,929
Millions of babies
born in India every year,
585
00:28:41,930 --> 00:28:43,555
nobody ever read a book.
586
00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:46,183
[laughter]
587
00:28:46,184 --> 00:28:50,688
If the Indians were writing that book,
the whole book would be one line.
588
00:28:50,689 --> 00:28:54,233
What to expect when you're expecting?
Expect a baby.
589
00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:57,320
[laughter and applause]
590
00:29:00,031 --> 00:29:02,199
But you can trust the Americans
591
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:05,160
to take the most basic
human experience
592
00:29:05,161 --> 00:29:09,206
and turn it
into a multimillion-dollar franchise.
593
00:29:09,207 --> 00:29:10,791
And it doesn't just stop there.
594
00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:13,043
As soon as the baby is born,
595
00:29:13,044 --> 00:29:16,171
that baby, here in America,
is measured for height,
596
00:29:16,172 --> 00:29:18,674
for weight, for head circumference.
597
00:29:18,675 --> 00:29:21,802
That baby is assigned percentiles.
598
00:29:21,803 --> 00:29:24,430
They rank the babies in America.
599
00:29:24,431 --> 00:29:26,348
[laughter]
600
00:29:26,349 --> 00:29:29,435
Now, you cannot use words
like "percentiles" and "ranks"
601
00:29:29,436 --> 00:29:31,520
with Indians without triggering them.
602
00:29:31,521 --> 00:29:33,689
[laughter]
603
00:29:33,690 --> 00:29:35,649
And our puny little kids
604
00:29:35,650 --> 00:29:38,360
never hit the high height
and weight percentiles.
605
00:29:38,361 --> 00:29:41,448
[cheering and applause]
606
00:29:43,450 --> 00:29:46,952
Because they're being compared
to American kids
607
00:29:46,953 --> 00:29:49,079
and America has Shaquille O'Neal.
608
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:50,956
[laughter]
609
00:29:50,957 --> 00:29:53,500
Our kids, descendants of Gandhi.
610
00:29:53,501 --> 00:29:55,169
[laughter]
611
00:29:55,170 --> 00:29:56,838
Have you seen Gandhi?
612
00:29:58,006 --> 00:30:00,591
Gandhi was 90 pounds,
613
00:30:00,592 --> 00:30:03,719
and 12 of those pounds
was in that diaper thing he was wearing.
614
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:07,474
[laughter and applause]
615
00:30:14,022 --> 00:30:16,732
And as if that's not bad enough,
616
00:30:16,733 --> 00:30:21,028
the minute the kid is a little bit older,
that kid is on a schedule.
617
00:30:21,029 --> 00:30:23,364
The baby has a schedule.
618
00:30:23,365 --> 00:30:26,575
There are milestones
this baby must meet.
619
00:30:26,576 --> 00:30:31,122
Six months, sit up,
12 months, walk, 18 months, talk.
620
00:30:32,457 --> 00:30:34,583
Now, my son, the handsome one...
621
00:30:34,584 --> 00:30:36,669
[laughter]
622
00:30:36,670 --> 00:30:40,547
...was almost two years old,
not saying a word.
623
00:30:40,548 --> 00:30:43,384
So, I was very panicked,
because according to the book,
624
00:30:43,385 --> 00:30:45,886
he should have a lot of words.
625
00:30:45,887 --> 00:30:47,554
I went rushing to the pediatrician.
626
00:30:47,555 --> 00:30:49,848
I said, "I don't understand
what-what's happening.
627
00:30:49,849 --> 00:30:52,643
He looks perfectly fine,
but he's not saying a word."
628
00:30:52,644 --> 00:30:55,312
And she said,
"Yes, we do like to see words."
629
00:30:55,313 --> 00:30:57,399
[laughter]
630
00:30:58,692 --> 00:31:01,485
Now, I'm freaking out
because if other kids are saying words,
631
00:31:01,486 --> 00:31:03,529
mine should be playing the violin.
632
00:31:03,530 --> 00:31:05,615
[laughter]
633
00:31:08,034 --> 00:31:09,910
But she calmed me down and she said,
634
00:31:09,911 --> 00:31:12,162
"Look, Mrs. Garg,
why don't you take a beat?
635
00:31:12,163 --> 00:31:14,665
"Go home and talk to your kid,
636
00:31:14,666 --> 00:31:18,085
"and intentionally engage him
for a few weeks
637
00:31:18,086 --> 00:31:20,045
and try to get him to talk to you."
638
00:31:20,046 --> 00:31:21,423
The kid is two.
639
00:31:22,507 --> 00:31:24,717
What am I saying to him?
640
00:31:24,718 --> 00:31:28,345
Do I ask him, "Do you think
this hungry caterpillar
641
00:31:28,346 --> 00:31:30,305
has an eating disorder?"
642
00:31:30,306 --> 00:31:32,976
[laughter]
643
00:31:35,145 --> 00:31:38,356
What conversation am I having
with a two-year-old?
644
00:31:39,816 --> 00:31:43,736
So, I said, you know what,
I'm gonna call a doctor in India
645
00:31:43,737 --> 00:31:47,573
and find out what a doctor back home
would say in this circumstance.
646
00:31:47,574 --> 00:31:49,783
So, I called my friend's pediatrician
back home.
647
00:31:49,784 --> 00:31:51,660
I explained the whole situation to him.
648
00:31:51,661 --> 00:31:53,495
I said, "Look, I don't understand
what's happening.
649
00:31:53,496 --> 00:31:55,873
"He's perfectly fine,
he's so good-looking...
650
00:31:55,874 --> 00:31:58,292
[laughter]
651
00:31:58,293 --> 00:32:00,544
...but just not saying a word."
652
00:32:00,545 --> 00:32:02,379
And the doctor heard me out,
and he said,
653
00:32:02,380 --> 00:32:05,632
"Mrs. Garg, have you considered,
maybe he has nothing to say?"
654
00:32:05,633 --> 00:32:08,720
[laughter and applause]
655
00:32:14,476 --> 00:32:18,145
Silence is the one thing
we do not consider in America.
656
00:32:18,146 --> 00:32:19,855
[laughter]
657
00:32:19,856 --> 00:32:22,775
But speaking of babies,
let me tell you another one story
658
00:32:22,776 --> 00:32:24,943
about my friend, Seema.
659
00:32:24,944 --> 00:32:27,946
Remember Seema
with the fancy mangalsutra?
660
00:32:27,947 --> 00:32:30,574
Now, she's going to have a baby, okay?
661
00:32:30,575 --> 00:32:32,868
And we were all going
to go for a baby shower.
662
00:32:32,869 --> 00:32:36,080
We were very excited, we knew
it was going to be a boy, so woo!
663
00:32:36,081 --> 00:32:38,082
[laughter]
664
00:32:38,083 --> 00:32:39,750
And at her baby shower,
665
00:32:39,751 --> 00:32:42,670
she had a lot of American friends
from work.
666
00:32:42,671 --> 00:32:44,922
So, one of her friends, Becky,
asked Seema,
667
00:32:44,923 --> 00:32:47,800
she said, "Seema, now that
you know you're having a boy,
668
00:32:47,801 --> 00:32:49,802
will you be circumcising him?"
669
00:32:49,803 --> 00:32:52,971
And she said, "Actually, we are Hindu,
we don't do that."
670
00:32:52,972 --> 00:32:57,685
So, she said, "If you don't do that,
no white girl will ever sleep with him."
671
00:32:57,686 --> 00:32:59,812
So, Seema said, "Exactly."
672
00:32:59,813 --> 00:33:02,899
[laughter and applause]
673
00:33:05,485 --> 00:33:09,488
But I told Seema, I said,
"Listen, Seema, don't jump the gun.
674
00:33:09,489 --> 00:33:12,199
"If a white girl neurosurgeon shows up,
675
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:14,076
we snip him ourselves."
676
00:33:14,077 --> 00:33:16,162
[laughter]
677
00:33:17,747 --> 00:33:19,833
Let us not make a big deal out of this.
678
00:33:22,544 --> 00:33:25,546
But speaking of babies,
I have a third kid.
679
00:33:25,547 --> 00:33:28,799
- I forget about him [laughs] sometimes.
- [laughter]
680
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:33,012
My third kid is also a very academic,
neurotic type.
681
00:33:33,013 --> 00:33:36,640
And, you know, we live in Manhattan
on the Upper East Side,
682
00:33:36,641 --> 00:33:39,727
not the worst place on Earth to live.
683
00:33:39,728 --> 00:33:44,024
This kid acts like he's growing up
in the slums of Calcutta...
684
00:33:45,275 --> 00:33:48,235
and education is his only way out.
685
00:33:48,236 --> 00:33:50,404
[laughter]
686
00:33:50,405 --> 00:33:54,074
I have to tell him, "Calm down, Dube.
We have three bathrooms."
687
00:33:54,075 --> 00:33:56,160
[laughter]
688
00:33:56,161 --> 00:33:57,911
And I do this for a living.
689
00:33:57,912 --> 00:34:01,582
I don't get home 'til very late,
12:00, 1:00 in the morning.
690
00:34:01,583 --> 00:34:05,336
And, you know, I get home,
and he's doing homework every night.
691
00:34:05,337 --> 00:34:07,629
So, one time, I got upset
with his teacher.
692
00:34:07,630 --> 00:34:11,342
I said, "Why are you giving
so much homework to an 11-year-old kid?"
693
00:34:11,343 --> 00:34:13,469
And she said,
"Mrs. Garg, I'm not giving it to him.
694
00:34:13,470 --> 00:34:15,054
He's assigning it to himself."
695
00:34:15,055 --> 00:34:16,638
[laughter]
696
00:34:16,639 --> 00:34:18,599
Now, here's the thing,
when an Indian kid
697
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:23,103
works hard in America, in school,
everybody assumes it's the mother,
698
00:34:23,104 --> 00:34:26,940
that the mother is being a tiger mom
and pushing the kid along.
699
00:34:26,941 --> 00:34:29,151
It's not me.
Why would I say anything?
700
00:34:29,152 --> 00:34:31,071
My oldest, already at Stanford.
701
00:34:32,072 --> 00:34:34,073
My middle one, so handsome.
702
00:34:34,074 --> 00:34:36,075
[laughter]
703
00:34:36,076 --> 00:34:38,952
This third kid just needs
to become an optometrist!
704
00:34:38,953 --> 00:34:42,040
[laughter and applause]
705
00:34:43,833 --> 00:34:46,085
I told him, I said,
"Listen, when you grow up,
706
00:34:46,086 --> 00:34:48,337
"you go get that job
at the eyeglass store.
707
00:34:48,338 --> 00:34:51,799
"You know that guy who's like,
'This one better, this one better?
708
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,884
"This one better, this one better?'
709
00:34:53,885 --> 00:34:56,428
[laughter]
710
00:34:56,429 --> 00:34:59,431
You go do that,
everybody needs that guy."
711
00:34:59,432 --> 00:35:02,310
[laughter]
712
00:35:06,731 --> 00:35:10,234
But I have two high-strung kids,
my oldest and my youngest.
713
00:35:10,235 --> 00:35:12,820
My middle one, cool as a cucumber.
714
00:35:12,821 --> 00:35:15,906
So, my middle one,
my 17-year-old was playing football
715
00:35:15,907 --> 00:35:18,534
in a park in New York City
with his friends,
716
00:35:18,535 --> 00:35:22,454
and somebody walked up to him
and punched him and broke his nose.
717
00:35:22,455 --> 00:35:25,916
This kid did not say a word,
got on a cross-town bus
718
00:35:25,917 --> 00:35:29,128
to the nearest emergency room,
called his dad and said,
719
00:35:29,129 --> 00:35:32,965
"Dad, can you meet me there?
I need somebody to sign the paperwork."
720
00:35:32,966 --> 00:35:35,718
The doctor who treated him
liked him so much
721
00:35:35,719 --> 00:35:38,804
that he upgraded him
to the George Clooney nose for free.
722
00:35:38,805 --> 00:35:41,056
[laughter]
723
00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:44,393
And I didn't find out any of this
until the end of the day
724
00:35:44,394 --> 00:35:48,188
because I was in Texas
opening for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
725
00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:50,275
[cheering and applause]
726
00:35:51,776 --> 00:35:52,777
Thank you.
727
00:35:53,903 --> 00:35:57,197
But, of course, when I found out,
I was very upset, right?
728
00:35:57,198 --> 00:35:59,908
How are you not gonna be upset
when you hear news like this?
729
00:35:59,909 --> 00:36:03,871
First of all, I was angry.
I was like, why did they go after my son?
730
00:36:03,872 --> 00:36:08,125
Why didn't they go after
the 90th percentile bruisers?
731
00:36:08,126 --> 00:36:11,670
No, no, they went after
my 12th percentile, Gandhi Jr.
732
00:36:11,671 --> 00:36:14,506
[laughter]
733
00:36:14,507 --> 00:36:17,343
And I was reflecting and thinking,
734
00:36:17,344 --> 00:36:20,095
had this happened to my daughter,
735
00:36:20,096 --> 00:36:22,514
no one was going to go anywhere.
736
00:36:22,515 --> 00:36:26,435
Instantly, her friends
would've formed a candlelight vigil.
737
00:36:26,436 --> 00:36:28,687
[laughter]
738
00:36:28,688 --> 00:36:31,106
No one was gonna get on a bus.
739
00:36:31,107 --> 00:36:33,984
We would've had to airlift her
to Mayo Clinic.
740
00:36:33,985 --> 00:36:35,235
[laughter]
741
00:36:35,236 --> 00:36:39,073
A Swiss-trained surgeon
would have to be flown in
742
00:36:39,074 --> 00:36:41,575
and instead of me
doing my job that night,
743
00:36:41,576 --> 00:36:45,329
I would be making calls to Hulu
on how best to document the journey.
744
00:36:45,330 --> 00:36:47,331
[laughter]
745
00:36:47,332 --> 00:36:50,334
But the truth is that I was very upset.
I was riddled with guilt.
746
00:36:50,335 --> 00:36:53,545
I was, like, kicking myself thinking,
why did I take this job?
747
00:36:53,546 --> 00:36:56,840
I should've stayed in New York.
I could've prevented it.
748
00:36:56,841 --> 00:36:59,218
You know, the usual
mom guilt that you feel.
749
00:36:59,219 --> 00:37:02,429
And as I'm tormenting myself,
my phone rings.
750
00:37:02,430 --> 00:37:04,014
It's my mother-in-law.
751
00:37:04,015 --> 00:37:05,724
[laughter]
752
00:37:05,725 --> 00:37:08,603
Because, of course,
my husband called his mother.
753
00:37:09,646 --> 00:37:12,356
And she gets on the phone
and she goes, "Hi-hi.
754
00:37:12,357 --> 00:37:13,982
[laughter]
755
00:37:13,983 --> 00:37:16,820
Why do you force the boy
to play football?"
756
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:20,490
Look at me.
757
00:37:21,491 --> 00:37:23,409
Just look at me.
758
00:37:23,410 --> 00:37:28,288
Do you think this situation
ever called her son and said,
759
00:37:28,289 --> 00:37:31,792
"You know what, son?
Today, skip chess and go play football"?
760
00:37:31,793 --> 00:37:33,878
[laughter]
761
00:37:35,463 --> 00:37:39,216
I said, "Newsflash, your son
signed the permission slip."
762
00:37:39,217 --> 00:37:42,177
And my mother-in-law says,
"Oh, my God,
763
00:37:42,178 --> 00:37:45,014
in that house,
my son has to do everything."
764
00:37:45,015 --> 00:37:48,518
[laughter and applause]
765
00:37:52,647 --> 00:37:54,940
But why was my son playing football?
766
00:37:54,941 --> 00:37:59,236
Why does my all-Indian kid
want to do all these American things?
767
00:37:59,237 --> 00:38:01,780
Fifteen years ago,
Indian kids in America
768
00:38:01,781 --> 00:38:04,116
knew their place in the world.
769
00:38:04,117 --> 00:38:07,286
They grew up, medical school,
computer school, engineering school.
770
00:38:07,287 --> 00:38:09,663
If they didn't know anything,
they went to law school.
771
00:38:09,664 --> 00:38:12,666
[laughter]
772
00:38:12,667 --> 00:38:15,879
Why are you all pointing at her?
Lawyer?
773
00:38:18,923 --> 00:38:20,632
Still better than PhD.
774
00:38:20,633 --> 00:38:23,178
[laughter and applause]
775
00:38:24,471 --> 00:38:26,096
No, it, it used to be clear.
776
00:38:26,097 --> 00:38:29,391
Why does my son wanna play football
and do all these things?
777
00:38:29,392 --> 00:38:31,602
You know why?
Because here in America,
778
00:38:31,603 --> 00:38:32,978
that's what they, they learn.
779
00:38:32,979 --> 00:38:36,732
Like, now, all these
old rules are gone
780
00:38:36,733 --> 00:38:39,068
because Hollywood
has found our kids.
781
00:38:39,069 --> 00:38:42,946
They're like, "You be an actor,
you be a singer, you be a writer."
782
00:38:42,947 --> 00:38:45,199
And because we all supposed
to be modern parents,
783
00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:47,242
we just stand there and we're like...
[chuckling]
784
00:38:47,243 --> 00:38:49,996
[laughter]
785
00:38:53,541 --> 00:38:56,710
Like, my friend's, uh, son
got a part in a movie,
786
00:38:56,711 --> 00:38:59,963
and he called me, he goes,
"Auntie, I got a part in a movie."
787
00:38:59,964 --> 00:39:02,299
I said, "What part did you get, Sanjay?"
788
00:39:02,300 --> 00:39:04,051
He goes, "I'm a hitman."
789
00:39:04,052 --> 00:39:05,302
[laughter]
790
00:39:05,303 --> 00:39:07,639
An Indian hitman named Sanjay?
791
00:39:09,099 --> 00:39:11,017
Who has ever heard of such a thing?
792
00:39:12,268 --> 00:39:14,813
Indian guys are 5'4", 5'5".
793
00:39:15,939 --> 00:39:18,190
How is he gonna pick up
the guy he just killed?
794
00:39:18,191 --> 00:39:20,192
[laughter]
795
00:39:20,193 --> 00:39:23,153
And why would anybody
ever hire an Indian hitman
796
00:39:23,154 --> 00:39:26,198
when you can hire an Indian
to disable this guy's Gmail?
797
00:39:26,199 --> 00:39:29,285
[laughter and scattered applause]
798
00:39:30,870 --> 00:39:34,665
My guy can make it so this guy's
food delivery will never show up.
799
00:39:34,666 --> 00:39:36,166
[laughter]
800
00:39:36,167 --> 00:39:40,045
My guy can make it so his salary
never hits his direct deposit.
801
00:39:40,046 --> 00:39:42,423
- [laughter]
- By the time my guy's done with him,
802
00:39:42,424 --> 00:39:44,008
he's gonna wanna kill himself.
803
00:39:44,009 --> 00:39:46,969
[laughter and applause]
804
00:39:46,970 --> 00:39:50,097
But you cannot say that in America
because if you say that,
805
00:39:50,098 --> 00:39:52,307
you're not modern-minded parents.
806
00:39:52,308 --> 00:39:55,936
And now, let me tell you another
one story about my friend, Seema.
807
00:39:55,937 --> 00:39:58,647
- [laughter]
- You remember Seema, right?
808
00:39:58,648 --> 00:40:01,108
Now, Seema has a grown son
809
00:40:01,109 --> 00:40:05,320
and she called me,
and she's crying on the phone, weeping.
810
00:40:05,321 --> 00:40:07,656
She's like, "Zarna, the worst thing
has happened."
811
00:40:07,657 --> 00:40:09,616
I said, "What happened, Seema?"
812
00:40:09,617 --> 00:40:11,785
And she goes,
"Zarna, you're not going to imagine,
813
00:40:11,786 --> 00:40:13,537
"the worst thing has happened.
814
00:40:13,538 --> 00:40:16,373
"My son quit a high-paying job
in Citibank
815
00:40:16,374 --> 00:40:18,542
and became part of a Broadway show."
816
00:40:18,543 --> 00:40:19,794
[gasps]
817
00:40:21,338 --> 00:40:23,172
Even I started crying.
818
00:40:23,173 --> 00:40:24,673
[laughter]
819
00:40:24,674 --> 00:40:26,508
I said, "Hi-hi, Seema!
820
00:40:26,509 --> 00:40:29,636
[laughter]
821
00:40:29,637 --> 00:40:32,514
"Why did your son quit
a high-paying job in Citibank
822
00:40:32,515 --> 00:40:34,391
and become part of a Broadway show?"
823
00:40:34,392 --> 00:40:37,144
She goes, "Zarna, this is so bad,
this is so bad.
824
00:40:37,145 --> 00:40:39,021
It would be better if he was gay."
825
00:40:39,022 --> 00:40:40,939
[laughter]
826
00:40:40,940 --> 00:40:43,942
So, I said,
"Seema, your son is on a stage
827
00:40:43,943 --> 00:40:45,904
"singing and dancing every night.
828
00:40:47,030 --> 00:40:48,989
"You might want to sit down for a minute!
829
00:40:48,990 --> 00:40:51,700
[laughter]
830
00:40:51,701 --> 00:40:53,410
I have some news for you!"
831
00:40:53,411 --> 00:40:56,206
[laughter]
832
00:40:58,583 --> 00:41:01,752
But, of course, he didn't think twice
before quitting this job.
833
00:41:01,753 --> 00:41:03,712
He's gonna do whatever he wants
834
00:41:03,713 --> 00:41:06,423
because he,
like all the kids in this generation,
835
00:41:06,424 --> 00:41:09,134
believe that they can follow their bliss.
836
00:41:09,135 --> 00:41:12,680
They like to say that phrase,
"follow your bliss" is a big one.
837
00:41:12,681 --> 00:41:15,266
And we as parents
have to remind them, "No!
838
00:41:16,309 --> 00:41:18,268
"You will monetize your misery.
839
00:41:18,269 --> 00:41:21,980
- [laughter]
- "Like the rest of us.
840
00:41:21,981 --> 00:41:23,899
[cheering and applause]
841
00:41:23,900 --> 00:41:26,485
"And don't go looking
for your bliss too far
842
00:41:26,486 --> 00:41:29,571
"because I have it right here,
I'm holding it in my hand.
843
00:41:29,572 --> 00:41:32,616
"Imagine a little ball,
I'm gonna place it here gently
844
00:41:32,617 --> 00:41:34,159
and I'm gonna kill it right now!"
845
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,830
[laughter]
846
00:41:39,374 --> 00:41:41,417
Nobody needs their bliss.
847
00:41:41,418 --> 00:41:43,711
Everybody needs a doctor.
848
00:41:43,712 --> 00:41:45,922
[laughter]
849
00:41:46,923 --> 00:41:49,383
And they like coming up
with buzzworthy phrases
850
00:41:49,384 --> 00:41:50,926
to sell their ideology.
851
00:41:50,927 --> 00:41:54,263
Another one they love to say,
"Think outside the box."
852
00:41:54,264 --> 00:41:56,265
- Why?
- [laughter]
853
00:41:56,266 --> 00:41:58,267
Me, personally, I love the box.
854
00:41:58,268 --> 00:41:59,351
[laughter]
855
00:41:59,352 --> 00:42:02,604
The box is how Indian people
went on to become the people
856
00:42:02,605 --> 00:42:06,108
who produce scientists,
entrepreneurs, CEOs.
857
00:42:06,109 --> 00:42:10,612
Do you know how many
Indian CEOs in America right now?
858
00:42:10,613 --> 00:42:14,783
So many CEOs, Indian CEOs, so desirable.
It's the new Labradoodle.
859
00:42:14,784 --> 00:42:17,829
[laughter]
860
00:42:19,789 --> 00:42:21,540
Every company wants one.
861
00:42:21,541 --> 00:42:22,958
[laughter]
862
00:42:22,959 --> 00:42:27,004
The minute the job opens up,
they're like, "Come on out, Anil, Sunil.
863
00:42:27,005 --> 00:42:28,505
[laughter]
864
00:42:28,506 --> 00:42:30,550
"Puja, Anuja, line up.
865
00:42:31,718 --> 00:42:33,761
Line up, we gonna take
one of you guys."
866
00:42:33,762 --> 00:42:35,847
[laughter]
867
00:42:36,973 --> 00:42:40,225
And it's not just companies.
We're running countries.
868
00:42:40,226 --> 00:42:43,020
We almost had an Indian president here.
869
00:42:43,021 --> 00:42:48,025
And, until recently,
the Prime Minister of UK was Indian.
870
00:42:48,026 --> 00:42:49,611
Who saw that coming?
871
00:42:50,653 --> 00:42:52,279
Not Winston Churchill.
872
00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,366
[laughter and applause]
873
00:42:56,034 --> 00:42:59,703
I mean, if we would've known
that this is how it's gonna end up,
874
00:42:59,704 --> 00:43:02,247
we would've told Gandhi
to sit down for a minute.
875
00:43:02,248 --> 00:43:04,833
[laughter]
876
00:43:04,834 --> 00:43:08,963
That poor guy spent his whole life
marching, marching, marching, marching.
877
00:43:11,883 --> 00:43:15,803
All day, he was marching and fasting
like an Upper East Side housewife.
878
00:43:15,804 --> 00:43:18,890
[laughter and applause]
879
00:43:23,812 --> 00:43:26,939
We would've told him, "Relax, we're gonna,
you know, have a lassi.
880
00:43:26,940 --> 00:43:28,399
We gonna do this another way."
881
00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:31,318
[laughter]
882
00:43:31,319 --> 00:43:32,861
But it's not anybody's fault.
883
00:43:32,862 --> 00:43:35,948
It's because the kids today
in America are born,
884
00:43:35,949 --> 00:43:38,075
they're raised on these beliefs
885
00:43:38,076 --> 00:43:40,494
that they can be anything
they want to be.
886
00:43:40,495 --> 00:43:43,163
Every children's book
says the same thing.
887
00:43:43,164 --> 00:43:46,250
"If you can dream it,
you will become it.
888
00:43:46,251 --> 00:43:48,753
If you imagine it, you are it."
889
00:43:49,754 --> 00:43:53,173
- What even is it?
- [laughter]
890
00:43:53,174 --> 00:43:57,720
Not a single children's book in America
teaches the kids to shut up and study!
891
00:43:57,721 --> 00:43:59,806
[laughter]
892
00:44:01,016 --> 00:44:05,269
And because nobody wants to do
the hard job of tough parenting,
893
00:44:05,270 --> 00:44:09,773
I am writing the world's first
practical people's guide to parenting.
894
00:44:09,774 --> 00:44:12,568
- [scattered cheers]
- And my book is called,
895
00:44:12,569 --> 00:44:15,279
It's Never Too Late
to Go to Medical School.
896
00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:17,365
[laughter and applause]
897
00:44:18,742 --> 00:44:20,659
You want to hear a little snippet?
898
00:44:20,660 --> 00:44:23,328
Hold on, hold on, handy pocket.
899
00:44:23,329 --> 00:44:26,331
[laughter]
900
00:44:26,332 --> 00:44:28,834
[muttering indistinctly]
You keep it ready now.
901
00:44:28,835 --> 00:44:30,669
[laughter]
902
00:44:30,670 --> 00:44:32,421
Okay, here it goes.
903
00:44:32,422 --> 00:44:36,258
"People tell their kids
they can be policemen, firemen,
904
00:44:36,259 --> 00:44:38,510
"cowboys, or astronauts.
905
00:44:38,511 --> 00:44:41,597
"All dangerous jobs
that don't pay a lot.
906
00:44:41,598 --> 00:44:43,390
[laughter]
907
00:44:43,391 --> 00:44:46,894
"We make our kids study
and focus on the practical.
908
00:44:46,895 --> 00:44:50,689
"Science, technology,
engineering, mathematical.
909
00:44:50,690 --> 00:44:54,735
"Dreams of going to Mars
won't get them a scholarship.
910
00:44:54,736 --> 00:44:58,238
But you know what will?
Designing that rocket ship."
911
00:44:58,239 --> 00:44:59,615
- [laughter]
- [audience members] Ohh!
912
00:44:59,616 --> 00:45:02,117
"In reality,
you can't be anything you want.
913
00:45:02,118 --> 00:45:05,204
"That's just the rules,
but here is the good news.
914
00:45:05,205 --> 00:45:08,457
It's never too late
to go to medical school."
915
00:45:08,458 --> 00:45:11,544
[cheering and applause]
916
00:45:15,215 --> 00:45:17,424
But here's the irony of life.
917
00:45:17,425 --> 00:45:21,261
Life does not give you the curveball
that you're ready for.
918
00:45:21,262 --> 00:45:23,347
I was prepared for this fight.
919
00:45:23,348 --> 00:45:26,475
Like, what are my kids gonna want to be
when they grow up and all that.
920
00:45:26,476 --> 00:45:28,769
Instead, I'm now dealing with the fact
921
00:45:28,770 --> 00:45:31,146
that my daughter is dating a white boy.
922
00:45:31,147 --> 00:45:33,273
- [scattered cheers]
- No!
923
00:45:33,274 --> 00:45:34,359
No!
924
00:45:35,568 --> 00:45:38,195
No, it's okay, it's a phase,
everybody goes through it.
925
00:45:38,196 --> 00:45:40,281
[laughter]
926
00:45:42,492 --> 00:45:45,619
And my daughter's boyfriend,
he is Jewish.
927
00:45:45,620 --> 00:45:48,497
So, good woo about that.
I've been most supportive.
928
00:45:48,498 --> 00:45:52,501
I said, "Listen, you do you,
whatever makes you happy."
929
00:45:52,502 --> 00:45:55,629
Also, because I know
his mother's gonna put an end to it.
930
00:45:55,630 --> 00:45:58,383
[laughter and applause]
931
00:46:00,176 --> 00:46:02,469
So, why am I gonna be the bad guy?
932
00:46:02,470 --> 00:46:04,221
[laughter]
933
00:46:04,222 --> 00:46:06,015
And, you know, if I don't support her,
934
00:46:06,016 --> 00:46:08,559
that's six more sessions
at $350 an hour.
935
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:10,269
[laughter]
936
00:46:10,270 --> 00:46:12,312
But I did say to her,
I said, "Listen to me,
937
00:46:12,313 --> 00:46:14,648
"it's fine you're dating this boy,
it's totally okay.
938
00:46:14,649 --> 00:46:18,402
But please don't post a photo
with him on the Instagram."
939
00:46:18,403 --> 00:46:20,237
And she goes, "Why not?"
940
00:46:20,238 --> 00:46:24,200
I said, "Because if your Grandma Dadi
sees it, she will drop dead."
941
00:46:25,243 --> 00:46:27,036
Then I thought about it.
942
00:46:27,037 --> 00:46:30,123
[laughter]
943
00:46:31,750 --> 00:46:33,585
I was like, "Okay, post the photo!
944
00:46:35,086 --> 00:46:37,671
You know what, post two or three photos,
why take a chance?"
945
00:46:37,672 --> 00:46:39,507
[laughter]
946
00:46:40,633 --> 00:46:43,093
And my mother-in-law,
she's really a trip.
947
00:46:43,094 --> 00:46:46,930
She lives in the outskirts of Delhi
in a small town.
948
00:46:46,931 --> 00:46:49,683
There are a lot of little towns
outside Delhi,
949
00:46:49,684 --> 00:46:51,894
nothing much happens in those towns.
950
00:46:51,895 --> 00:46:55,022
And I had to visit her because
she was having health issues
951
00:46:55,023 --> 00:46:58,568
and if I didn't go, my sister-in-law
was gonna get all the credit.
952
00:46:59,903 --> 00:47:01,987
So, I had to go, yeah.
953
00:47:01,988 --> 00:47:04,865
And I'm hanging out with her,
watching the local news with her,
954
00:47:04,866 --> 00:47:07,701
and the local news in that region
is always the same.
955
00:47:07,702 --> 00:47:10,829
Some sad girl caught
at the wrong time, wrong place.
956
00:47:10,830 --> 00:47:14,500
That night, I'm waiting for
my friend's car to pick me up for dinner.
957
00:47:14,501 --> 00:47:17,419
And I'm pacing around,
and my mother-in-law says to me, she goes,
958
00:47:17,420 --> 00:47:20,339
"Why are you pacing around so much?
Just take a taxi."
959
00:47:20,340 --> 00:47:23,509
And I said, "I can't take a taxi,
we just saw the news today.
960
00:47:23,510 --> 00:47:27,721
Bad things happened to this sweet girl.
I'm scared to take a taxi."
961
00:47:27,722 --> 00:47:29,682
And she looks at me
and she goes, "Oh, please,
962
00:47:29,683 --> 00:47:31,433
look who thinks she's getting raped?"
963
00:47:31,434 --> 00:47:33,520
[audience gasping, groaning]
964
00:47:35,271 --> 00:47:38,732
Now, I know many of you are shocked,
but let me tell you something.
965
00:47:38,733 --> 00:47:41,735
Political correctness
is not a thing outside this country.
966
00:47:41,736 --> 00:47:43,487
[laughter]
967
00:47:43,488 --> 00:47:47,199
Elderly people, especially,
will say whatever comes to their mind.
968
00:47:47,200 --> 00:47:51,412
My own father, at a beautiful
dinner table few years ago,
969
00:47:51,413 --> 00:47:54,415
looked across the table
at a guest and announced,
970
00:47:54,416 --> 00:47:58,502
"Everybody, don't talk to him,
he only has one testicle."
971
00:47:58,503 --> 00:48:01,673
[laughter]
972
00:48:04,551 --> 00:48:06,553
- For no reason.
- [laughter]
973
00:48:08,096 --> 00:48:12,558
And I grew up hearing shit like this
my whole life, and guess what?
974
00:48:12,559 --> 00:48:15,269
I am still in perfect mental health.
975
00:48:15,270 --> 00:48:17,355
[laughter]
976
00:48:19,399 --> 00:48:22,234
Meanwhile, my kids,
born and raised in America,
977
00:48:22,235 --> 00:48:27,574
walking on a cloud of comfort every day,
they all have anxiety.
978
00:48:28,700 --> 00:48:30,534
The whole generation woke up one day
979
00:48:30,535 --> 00:48:33,120
and decided they all
have anxiety all at once.
980
00:48:33,121 --> 00:48:36,623
[laughter and applause]
981
00:48:36,624 --> 00:48:39,209
See all these traumatized parents
back there?
982
00:48:39,210 --> 00:48:41,003
[laughter]
983
00:48:41,004 --> 00:48:42,921
And my daughter asked me,
she's like, "Mom,
984
00:48:42,922 --> 00:48:45,090
did you not have anxiety
back in your day?"
985
00:48:45,091 --> 00:48:46,925
I said, "No, we had cigarettes."
986
00:48:46,926 --> 00:48:49,387
[laughter]
987
00:48:51,264 --> 00:48:54,641
And, somehow, we've become
part of a sandwich generation
988
00:48:54,642 --> 00:48:58,020
where we have to respect our elders,
honor their wishes,
989
00:48:58,021 --> 00:49:00,105
but you cannot say anything to your kids.
990
00:49:00,106 --> 00:49:03,192
- [scattered cheers]
- Right? 'Cause everything upsets them.
991
00:49:03,193 --> 00:49:06,863
Everything triggers them,
everything is a hill they're gonna die on.
992
00:49:08,531 --> 00:49:12,034
I mean, how many people in here
who are over 40?
993
00:49:12,035 --> 00:49:14,661
[cheering and applause]
994
00:49:14,662 --> 00:49:17,956
Do you ever remember
being this upset about everything?
995
00:49:17,957 --> 00:49:19,375
[laughter]
996
00:49:19,376 --> 00:49:22,461
We didn't have time,
we had to rewind videotapes.
997
00:49:22,462 --> 00:49:24,547
[laughter and applause]
998
00:49:26,341 --> 00:49:30,052
You remember those days when you're like,
"Don't return it before rewinding"?
999
00:49:30,053 --> 00:49:32,554
[Zarna laughing]
1000
00:49:32,555 --> 00:49:36,517
But these kids feel free
to tell us anything.
1001
00:49:36,518 --> 00:49:39,478
Everything I do in my house is wrong.
1002
00:49:39,479 --> 00:49:42,231
Somehow, I'm racist,
I'm sexist, I'm homophobic.
1003
00:49:42,232 --> 00:49:45,359
The land is not clean enough,
the air is not green enough.
1004
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:49,113
So many problems, you would think I live
at the Harvard Sociology Department.
1005
00:49:49,114 --> 00:49:52,200
[laughter and applause]
1006
00:49:54,577 --> 00:49:56,787
And I deal with this all the time.
1007
00:49:56,788 --> 00:49:59,498
You know, as a comic
and as a digital creator,
1008
00:49:59,499 --> 00:50:02,334
I have my share of haters,
online trolls.
1009
00:50:02,335 --> 00:50:03,752
That's totally fine.
1010
00:50:03,753 --> 00:50:07,173
But my trolls love my husband
and his mother.
1011
00:50:08,508 --> 00:50:11,385
So, if I post a joke
about my mother-in-law,
1012
00:50:11,386 --> 00:50:13,595
they all spring to her defense.
1013
00:50:13,596 --> 00:50:15,597
So, I had a joke
about my mother-in-law,
1014
00:50:15,598 --> 00:50:19,351
and this one guy in India
was rage commenting,
1015
00:50:19,352 --> 00:50:21,020
could not stop himself.
1016
00:50:21,021 --> 00:50:23,605
He's writing things like,
"You should not make these jokes.
1017
00:50:23,606 --> 00:50:25,482
"This is not our culture.
1018
00:50:25,483 --> 00:50:28,902
"Good thing you live in America
because if you lived in India,
1019
00:50:28,903 --> 00:50:31,197
"I would tie you up
and beat you with a stick.
1020
00:50:32,282 --> 00:50:34,867
"And if you were my wife,
I would shove a dick in your mouth,
1021
00:50:34,868 --> 00:50:37,036
"and four dicks up your ass,
and a dick in your ear,
1022
00:50:37,037 --> 00:50:38,621
and a dick in your eye."
1023
00:50:39,748 --> 00:50:42,916
And then I felt pressure
to offer him more locations.
1024
00:50:42,917 --> 00:50:45,670
[laughter]
1025
00:50:48,298 --> 00:50:50,674
I was like, "Dick in the armpit,
dick behind the knee,
1026
00:50:50,675 --> 00:50:52,176
dick between the toe."
1027
00:50:52,177 --> 00:50:54,637
[laughter]
1028
00:50:56,848 --> 00:51:00,559
And at some point,
my maternal instinct kicked in.
1029
00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:03,020
I was like,
"Are you just having a bad day?"
1030
00:51:03,021 --> 00:51:04,772
[laughter]
1031
00:51:04,773 --> 00:51:07,107
And he goes,
"I got a B in algebra.
1032
00:51:07,108 --> 00:51:09,735
[laughter]
1033
00:51:09,736 --> 00:51:12,321
My mom's gonna kill me."
1034
00:51:12,322 --> 00:51:14,323
I said, "You got a B in algebra?
1035
00:51:14,324 --> 00:51:16,617
You're lucky your mom
lets you keep your dick."
1036
00:51:16,618 --> 00:51:19,162
[laughter]
1037
00:51:21,456 --> 00:51:26,085
And this whole trend
is particularly disturbing for Indians
1038
00:51:26,086 --> 00:51:30,547
because Indian people, in general,
are very agreeable people.
1039
00:51:30,548 --> 00:51:33,133
We are taught from birth,
from childhood
1040
00:51:33,134 --> 00:51:35,553
to say "yes"
to everybody at all times.
1041
00:51:36,596 --> 00:51:39,848
Like, we are taught that if somebody
slaps you on one cheek,
1042
00:51:39,849 --> 00:51:43,894
you offer them the other, right?
1043
00:51:43,895 --> 00:51:47,147
India was colonized for 200 years.
1044
00:51:47,148 --> 00:51:50,901
Do you know that, in the end,
the British army did not leave India
1045
00:51:50,902 --> 00:51:53,278
because we defeated them in a big war?
1046
00:51:53,279 --> 00:51:56,824
No, no, they left because
they got exhausted.
1047
00:51:56,825 --> 00:51:58,617
[laughter]
1048
00:51:58,618 --> 00:52:02,162
They were like, "This is India,
they have two billion cheeks.
1049
00:52:02,163 --> 00:52:03,956
[laughter]
1050
00:52:03,957 --> 00:52:06,208
Four billion if you count the butts."
1051
00:52:06,209 --> 00:52:09,169
[laughter]
1052
00:52:09,170 --> 00:52:13,924
And thank God there was no war
because we are not cut out to fight.
1053
00:52:13,925 --> 00:52:16,093
We eat way too many carbs.
1054
00:52:16,094 --> 00:52:18,053
[laughter]
1055
00:52:18,054 --> 00:52:22,099
When we get really angry,
our big act of rebellion
1056
00:52:22,100 --> 00:52:24,184
is declaring a hunger strike.
1057
00:52:24,185 --> 00:52:26,478
[laughter]
1058
00:52:26,479 --> 00:52:28,897
You know that famous
Indian head bob?
1059
00:52:28,898 --> 00:52:30,649
This?
You know what this is?
1060
00:52:30,650 --> 00:52:32,735
This is us trying to say "no".
1061
00:52:32,736 --> 00:52:34,445
[laughter]
1062
00:52:34,446 --> 00:52:35,863
We're just buffering.
1063
00:52:35,864 --> 00:52:38,115
[laughter]
1064
00:52:38,116 --> 00:52:41,744
I mean, Indians are so agreeable,
we make Canadians look bitchy.
1065
00:52:41,745 --> 00:52:43,871
[laughter]
1066
00:52:43,872 --> 00:52:47,166
And this works on autopilot
with Indian people.
1067
00:52:47,167 --> 00:52:48,959
I'll give you an example.
1068
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:52,296
On my way here today,
this guy bumped into me.
1069
00:52:52,297 --> 00:52:54,757
This big guy, he bumped into me,
1070
00:52:54,758 --> 00:52:57,844
and then pointed at me
and said, "Stupid dot-head."
1071
00:52:58,928 --> 00:53:02,139
And I got startled,
and I just said, "No English."
1072
00:53:02,140 --> 00:53:04,851
[laughter]
1073
00:53:07,395 --> 00:53:10,147
Because we don't get
worked up about everything.
1074
00:53:10,148 --> 00:53:12,149
We find very quick solutions.
1075
00:53:12,150 --> 00:53:16,028
We follow something in our culture,
which we call jugaad.
1076
00:53:16,029 --> 00:53:18,322
How many people
know the word "jugaad?"
1077
00:53:18,323 --> 00:53:20,157
[cheers]
1078
00:53:20,158 --> 00:53:22,910
So, jugaad is creative problem-solving.
1079
00:53:22,911 --> 00:53:26,455
You solve your problems
with whatever limited resources you have.
1080
00:53:26,456 --> 00:53:30,084
In America, it's what you call
jerry-rigging, MacGyvering.
1081
00:53:30,085 --> 00:53:32,252
So, we just find solutions
and we keep it going.
1082
00:53:32,253 --> 00:53:35,631
And now, let me tell you another story
about my friend, Seema.
1083
00:53:35,632 --> 00:53:38,175
[laughter]
1084
00:53:38,176 --> 00:53:40,719
So, Seema's husband
came home and said,
1085
00:53:40,720 --> 00:53:44,515
"Seema, my mom is getting old,
she needs to move in with us."
1086
00:53:44,516 --> 00:53:47,559
So, Seema said,
"Of course, okay, no problem.
1087
00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:49,478
She can stay in my room."
1088
00:53:49,479 --> 00:53:52,231
So, her husband said, "If she stays
in your room, where will you stay?"
1089
00:53:52,232 --> 00:53:54,900
She goes, "I will live in India
with her servants."
1090
00:53:54,901 --> 00:53:56,235
[laughter]
1091
00:53:56,236 --> 00:53:59,071
That was the last I ever heard of this.
1092
00:53:59,072 --> 00:54:01,198
But this was Seema's jugaad.
1093
00:54:01,199 --> 00:54:02,616
And we are all learning.
1094
00:54:02,617 --> 00:54:06,078
Even I'm trying to up my jugaad game,
I'll be honest with you.
1095
00:54:06,079 --> 00:54:09,248
I was flying from New York
to, uh, to San Francisco
1096
00:54:09,249 --> 00:54:11,208
to visit my daughter a few months ago,
1097
00:54:11,209 --> 00:54:15,337
and I got the worst seat in the airplane,
middle seat in the last row.
1098
00:54:15,338 --> 00:54:17,006
- [audience groaning]
- Right?
1099
00:54:17,007 --> 00:54:18,966
Long flight, and by the way,
1100
00:54:18,967 --> 00:54:21,760
I have every kind of status
you can imagine.
1101
00:54:21,761 --> 00:54:25,180
So, I was trying to get upgraded
because I travel for a living.
1102
00:54:25,181 --> 00:54:26,932
So, I'm reasoning with the gate agent.
1103
00:54:26,933 --> 00:54:29,643
I'm like, "Please, can you
do something to help me out?
1104
00:54:29,644 --> 00:54:32,187
I'm preferred Elite, Diamond, Platinum."
1105
00:54:32,188 --> 00:54:34,148
I even said I was a veteran.
1106
00:54:34,149 --> 00:54:37,235
[laughter]
1107
00:54:38,570 --> 00:54:40,070
Because how's he gonna know?
1108
00:54:40,071 --> 00:54:41,697
[laughter]
1109
00:54:41,698 --> 00:54:43,949
And everybody's a veteran
at something.
1110
00:54:43,950 --> 00:54:46,869
[laughter]
1111
00:54:46,870 --> 00:54:49,705
And I'm, like, begging
and pleading with him,
1112
00:54:49,706 --> 00:54:52,791
and my daughter was on the phone
while I was trying to figure it out,
1113
00:54:52,792 --> 00:54:54,543
and she's hearing me beg,
and she's like,
1114
00:54:54,544 --> 00:54:58,006
"Mom, stop reasoning with him,
just flirt with him."
1115
00:54:59,966 --> 00:55:02,926
I never flirted with anybody in my life.
1116
00:55:02,927 --> 00:55:05,721
Even when I got married,
my husband and I,
1117
00:55:05,722 --> 00:55:09,099
we got married because I had
two goats, and he needed one.
1118
00:55:09,100 --> 00:55:11,518
[laughter]
1119
00:55:11,519 --> 00:55:15,064
Still, I said, "Let me try.
You know, what do I have to lose now?"
1120
00:55:15,065 --> 00:55:17,691
So, I went to the ladies' room,
I opened my hair,
1121
00:55:17,692 --> 00:55:20,778
I put my glasses away,
I put a little lipstick on.
1122
00:55:20,779 --> 00:55:23,197
I came back out
to the same gate agent,
1123
00:55:23,198 --> 00:55:26,867
and I just said, "You know, it's very hot.
1124
00:55:26,868 --> 00:55:28,952
[laughter]
1125
00:55:28,953 --> 00:55:32,582
"It's just-- If only there
was a big strong man...
1126
00:55:33,833 --> 00:55:35,126
who could help me."
1127
00:55:36,795 --> 00:55:38,545
[laughter]
1128
00:55:38,546 --> 00:55:42,174
And this guy, the gate agent
leaned into me and he goes,
1129
00:55:42,175 --> 00:55:46,053
"I have one seat in first class,
I'm gonna upgrade you.
1130
00:55:46,054 --> 00:55:49,723
Don't say a word, go run, and take it."
I ran, I ran so fast.
1131
00:55:49,724 --> 00:55:51,767
I took the seat, I took all the drinks.
1132
00:55:51,768 --> 00:55:53,644
They're like, "What do you want?"
I said, "Everything.
1133
00:55:53,645 --> 00:55:55,646
Champagne, coffee, orange juice,
the whole thing."
1134
00:55:55,647 --> 00:55:57,564
It's free, it's free, I know.
1135
00:55:57,565 --> 00:55:59,692
'Cause I know the Indians are like,
"How much did that cost?"
1136
00:55:59,693 --> 00:56:01,778
- No.
- [laughter]
1137
00:56:07,575 --> 00:56:08,951
I just took it all.
1138
00:56:08,952 --> 00:56:12,329
And as I was sipping my champagne,
I was thinking to myself,
1139
00:56:12,330 --> 00:56:14,873
I was like, "I'll never tell my son this,
1140
00:56:14,874 --> 00:56:18,836
but life really does work out differently
for attractive people!"
1141
00:56:18,837 --> 00:56:21,923
[laughter and applause]
1142
00:56:24,968 --> 00:56:28,638
And I'm trying to learn,
I really am trying to be open-minded.
1143
00:56:29,723 --> 00:56:31,850
And I can be a little immigrant-y.
1144
00:56:33,518 --> 00:56:36,061
- You may have picked up on it.
- [laughter]
1145
00:56:36,062 --> 00:56:39,148
And my kids are very much
born and raised in America.
1146
00:56:39,149 --> 00:56:43,110
So, we're constantly butting heads
on how they think and how I think.
1147
00:56:43,111 --> 00:56:45,821
And in a spirit of trying
to understand them, I said to them,
1148
00:56:45,822 --> 00:56:49,783
"Why don't you pick a TV show
that we can all watch together?"
1149
00:56:49,784 --> 00:56:51,619
And they pick The Bachelor.
1150
00:56:52,954 --> 00:56:55,497
Do you know this show,
The Bachelor?
1151
00:56:55,498 --> 00:56:59,126
If you don't know the show,
let me quickly tell you about the show.
1152
00:56:59,127 --> 00:57:02,296
In this show,
there are a lot of beautiful women
1153
00:57:02,297 --> 00:57:04,715
wearing very tiny, tiny clothes.
1154
00:57:04,716 --> 00:57:06,550
[laughter]
1155
00:57:06,551 --> 00:57:10,429
And they're all chasing
after this one man, the Bachelor.
1156
00:57:10,430 --> 00:57:14,808
And this guy, he's just a regular guy,
he's not a doctor or anything.
1157
00:57:14,809 --> 00:57:17,687
[laughter]
1158
00:57:19,272 --> 00:57:22,441
And the whole show,
this guy is making out, having sex,
1159
00:57:22,442 --> 00:57:25,194
making out, having sex,
making out, having sex
1160
00:57:25,195 --> 00:57:27,321
with each of these different women.
1161
00:57:27,322 --> 00:57:29,406
And the-- And because of this show now,
1162
00:57:29,407 --> 00:57:32,743
my kids think that
this is what a relationship is.
1163
00:57:32,744 --> 00:57:34,411
So, my son says to me, he goes,
1164
00:57:34,412 --> 00:57:37,289
"Mom, Dad and you are gonna
get divorced one day."
1165
00:57:37,290 --> 00:57:39,249
I said, "Why would you say that?"
1166
00:57:39,250 --> 00:57:41,753
He goes, "Because I never
see you making out."
1167
00:57:43,171 --> 00:57:46,424
I said, "We don't make out
because we are not on TV."
1168
00:57:47,801 --> 00:57:50,219
You put us on a reality show
and pay us,
1169
00:57:50,220 --> 00:57:52,554
we act out the whole Kama Sutra.
1170
00:57:52,555 --> 00:57:56,016
[laughter and applause]
1171
00:57:56,017 --> 00:58:00,230
And then he went to throw up.
[laughing]
1172
00:58:02,273 --> 00:58:05,359
But the thing about the Kama Sutra
is that it is true,
1173
00:58:05,360 --> 00:58:06,985
Indian people wrote it.
1174
00:58:06,986 --> 00:58:10,239
But I can promise you,
no Indian man has ever read it.
1175
00:58:10,240 --> 00:58:12,866
[laughter]
1176
00:58:12,867 --> 00:58:16,370
It's a lot like the Americans
and their Constitution.
1177
00:58:16,371 --> 00:58:22,001
- [audience groaning and cheering]
- Ohh!
1178
00:58:22,002 --> 00:58:24,087
[applause]
1179
00:58:25,463 --> 00:58:29,550
No one knows what the Eighth Amendment is
or the eighth position is.
1180
00:58:29,551 --> 00:58:31,301
[laughter]
1181
00:58:31,302 --> 00:58:35,014
But I do understand that there are a lot
of stresses in this world.
1182
00:58:35,015 --> 00:58:37,349
I'm not trying to minimize that at all.
1183
00:58:37,350 --> 00:58:41,270
But the good news is that every way
to deal with those stresses,
1184
00:58:41,271 --> 00:58:44,023
all those methods are Indian.
1185
00:58:44,024 --> 00:58:47,568
Yoga, meditation, Ayurveda,
living with your parents.
1186
00:58:47,569 --> 00:58:49,654
[laughter]
1187
00:58:50,822 --> 00:58:53,657
And people see me
looking like this in America.
1188
00:58:53,658 --> 00:58:55,701
They think I know how to meditate.
1189
00:58:55,702 --> 00:58:57,578
[laughter]
1190
00:58:57,579 --> 00:58:59,121
I don't meditate.
1191
00:58:59,122 --> 00:59:02,041
The Indians who like to meditate
are still in India.
1192
00:59:02,042 --> 00:59:03,625
[laughter]
1193
00:59:03,626 --> 00:59:05,169
Probably meditating.
1194
00:59:05,170 --> 00:59:07,338
[laughter]
1195
00:59:07,339 --> 00:59:12,468
But then, I found out
that white people will pay $50
1196
00:59:12,469 --> 00:59:15,512
to sit on a cushion and wait
for lady to ring a bell.
1197
00:59:15,513 --> 00:59:17,973
[laughter]
1198
00:59:17,974 --> 00:59:21,018
So, I said, "I will teach the meditation.
1199
00:59:21,019 --> 00:59:23,062
[laughter]
1200
00:59:23,063 --> 00:59:26,190
"And because I'm nothing,
until I deliver full value
1201
00:59:26,191 --> 00:59:28,108
"for your time and money today,
1202
00:59:28,109 --> 00:59:30,819
we're gonna meditate
right here, right now."
1203
00:59:30,820 --> 00:59:33,155
- [laughter]
- You don't have to do anything,
1204
00:59:33,156 --> 00:59:35,366
you just have to listen to my words.
1205
00:59:35,367 --> 00:59:37,117
I mean, you should close your eyes,
1206
00:59:37,118 --> 00:59:39,745
but sometimes it's hard
because of the Botox.
1207
00:59:39,746 --> 00:59:41,580
[laughter]
1208
00:59:41,581 --> 00:59:43,832
And this might also be shocking
for some of you.
1209
00:59:43,833 --> 00:59:46,418
It might be the first time
you're meditating with a woman,
1210
00:59:46,419 --> 00:59:47,961
not named Megan.
1211
00:59:47,962 --> 00:59:49,963
[laughter]
1212
00:59:49,964 --> 00:59:53,842
But I will try to make it
very easy and comfortable for you.
1213
00:59:53,843 --> 00:59:56,679
Just listen to your--
listen to my words
1214
00:59:56,680 --> 01:00:00,057
and kindly bring your mind's eye
1215
01:00:00,058 --> 01:00:03,186
to a point of light inside your head.
1216
01:00:04,938 --> 01:00:08,649
This point of light
sits on top of a mountain.
1217
01:00:08,650 --> 01:00:10,693
[laughter]
1218
01:00:10,694 --> 01:00:13,070
It is a mountain of cash.
1219
01:00:13,071 --> 01:00:16,157
[laughter and applause]
1220
01:00:18,993 --> 01:00:21,036
Because everybody in this room
1221
01:00:21,037 --> 01:00:24,748
deserves love, peace, prosperity,
1222
01:00:24,749 --> 01:00:27,918
and an investment property
they can Airbnb.
1223
01:00:27,919 --> 01:00:30,005
[laughter and applause]
1224
01:00:31,214 --> 01:00:33,924
Just for tonight,
don't worry about your job,
1225
01:00:33,925 --> 01:00:37,469
don't worry about your life,
don't worry about your kids.
1226
01:00:37,470 --> 01:00:41,932
Relax, knowing that everything
you did for them did not matter.
1227
01:00:41,933 --> 01:00:44,143
[laughter]
1228
01:00:44,144 --> 01:00:47,187
Stop hiring tutors.
1229
01:00:47,188 --> 01:00:50,691
If they still need help in math,
it's time to cut them loose.
1230
01:00:50,692 --> 01:00:52,985
[laughter]
1231
01:00:52,986 --> 01:00:57,948
Just for this moment in time,
try not to worry about the rainforest.
1232
01:00:57,949 --> 01:01:00,493
There's gonna be a few acres left.
1233
01:01:01,578 --> 01:01:04,955
Those environment people,
they always exaggerate.
1234
01:01:04,956 --> 01:01:08,375
And anyway, you are not
the ones to save the planet.
1235
01:01:08,376 --> 01:01:11,003
You don't even know how to parallel park.
1236
01:01:11,004 --> 01:01:12,588
[laughter]
1237
01:01:12,589 --> 01:01:14,715
Many of you fill the dishwasher wrong,
1238
01:01:14,716 --> 01:01:16,800
and it came with a photo on how to do it.
1239
01:01:16,801 --> 01:01:18,635
[laughter]
1240
01:01:18,636 --> 01:01:21,305
Just for this moment in time,
1241
01:01:21,306 --> 01:01:24,558
try not to worry about World War III.
1242
01:01:24,559 --> 01:01:27,019
It's probably gonna happen.
1243
01:01:27,020 --> 01:01:29,897
But it's not gonna affect you
unless you're stupid enough
1244
01:01:29,898 --> 01:01:32,150
to invite your mother-in-law
in the bunker.
1245
01:01:33,151 --> 01:01:36,278
I mean, do you really want her
in there every day
1246
01:01:36,279 --> 01:01:38,031
going, "Hi-hi.
1247
01:01:39,366 --> 01:01:42,409
You put garam masala in the chai."
1248
01:01:42,410 --> 01:01:45,412
Or something.
You know she's gonna make issues.
1249
01:01:45,413 --> 01:01:47,498
Just don't invite her, it's--
What is the point
1250
01:01:47,499 --> 01:01:51,043
of inviting her in the bunker if this
is just gonna lead to World War IV?
1251
01:01:51,044 --> 01:01:52,920
[laughter]
1252
01:01:52,921 --> 01:01:55,923
And now, I'm going to do
some affirmations
1253
01:01:55,924 --> 01:01:58,884
because Wikipedia said that comes next.
1254
01:01:58,885 --> 01:02:00,552
[laughter]
1255
01:02:00,553 --> 01:02:02,513
Again, you don't have to do anything.
1256
01:02:02,514 --> 01:02:04,515
You just have to listen to my words
1257
01:02:04,516 --> 01:02:07,602
as I remind you
that you're not a loser.
1258
01:02:08,812 --> 01:02:10,521
You are just not a winner.
1259
01:02:10,522 --> 01:02:12,607
[laughter]
1260
01:02:14,651 --> 01:02:16,318
And that is okay.
1261
01:02:16,319 --> 01:02:18,195
[laughter]
1262
01:02:18,196 --> 01:02:20,155
You are not fat.
1263
01:02:20,156 --> 01:02:22,366
You just don't look good naked.
1264
01:02:22,367 --> 01:02:24,452
[laughter and applause]
1265
01:02:25,704 --> 01:02:27,706
And that is also okay.
1266
01:02:29,791 --> 01:02:31,750
And you are not alone.
1267
01:02:31,751 --> 01:02:34,461
- You are just annoying.
- [laughter]
1268
01:02:34,462 --> 01:02:37,047
But the world needs annoying people.
1269
01:02:37,048 --> 01:02:39,091
That's how we got Elon Musk.
1270
01:02:39,092 --> 01:02:41,261
[laughter and applause]
1271
01:02:42,804 --> 01:02:47,182
And now, I'm gonna leave you
with the wise words of my spiritual guru.
1272
01:02:47,183 --> 01:02:49,560
I wanna give you a secret mantra,
1273
01:02:49,561 --> 01:02:53,313
something you can keep in your back pocket
that can help you win in life,
1274
01:02:53,314 --> 01:02:55,733
sometimes when you need a little extra.
1275
01:02:55,734 --> 01:02:59,403
I learned this secret mantra
from my personal spiritual guru,
1276
01:02:59,404 --> 01:03:01,572
Guru Mugdu Mayananda.
1277
01:03:01,573 --> 01:03:03,323
In English, Taylor Swift.
1278
01:03:03,324 --> 01:03:06,285
[laughter]
1279
01:03:06,286 --> 01:03:09,455
Who in her infinite wisdom
has taught us
1280
01:03:09,456 --> 01:03:11,331
that haters gonna hate.
1281
01:03:11,332 --> 01:03:14,209
- [laughter]
- Players gonna play.
1282
01:03:14,210 --> 01:03:15,586
[scattered cheers]
1283
01:03:15,587 --> 01:03:17,880
Shake it off, just shake it off!
1284
01:03:17,881 --> 01:03:20,258
- [cheering and applause]
- [Zarna laughing]
1285
01:03:21,301 --> 01:03:24,511
Thank you, San Francisco!
1286
01:03:24,512 --> 01:03:27,599
[cheering and applause]
1287
01:03:33,646 --> 01:03:36,649
[♪ "Where's the Party Tonight" playing]
1288
01:03:40,862 --> 01:03:44,323
♪ Naach all night,
wanna naach all night? ♪
1289
01:03:44,324 --> 01:03:46,325
♪ Do you feel alright? ♪
1290
01:03:46,326 --> 01:03:48,243
♪ Wanna naach all night ♪
1291
01:03:48,244 --> 01:03:51,330
♪ Dance with me, baby,
won't you dance with me all night? ♪
1292
01:03:51,331 --> 01:03:55,918
♪ Won't you party, party, party,
won't you run the floor all night? ♪
1293
01:03:55,919 --> 01:03:59,005
♪
1294
01:04:22,362 --> 01:04:25,698
♪
1295
01:04:25,699 --> 01:04:28,660
♪ Pyaari-pyaari baatein ♪
1296
01:04:29,703 --> 01:04:31,871
♪ Sapno ke din hain ♪
1297
01:04:33,331 --> 01:04:35,917
♪ Sapno ki raatein ♪
1298
01:04:36,501 --> 01:04:40,254
♪ Ho, goonje hain dil ke taraane ♪
1299
01:04:40,255 --> 01:04:43,966
♪ Machle hain geet suhaane ♪
1300
01:04:43,967 --> 01:04:47,553
♪ Behke hain saare deewane ♪
1301
01:04:47,554 --> 01:04:51,390
♪ Toh nach le, nach le all night ♪
1302
01:04:51,391 --> 01:04:54,935
♪ Where's the party tonight,
somewhere down the road ♪
1303
01:04:54,936 --> 01:04:58,605
♪ Where's the party tonight,
on the dance floor ♪
1304
01:04:58,606 --> 01:05:02,234
♪ O, sapno ke din hain, sapno ki raatein ♪
1305
01:05:02,235 --> 01:05:05,071
♪ Where's the party tonight ♪
1306
01:05:06,781 --> 01:05:10,367
♪ Naach, naach all night ♪
1307
01:05:10,368 --> 01:05:11,995
♪ Get it right ♪
1308
01:05:26,134 --> 01:05:29,137
♪
1309
01:05:31,264 --> 01:05:32,474
Oh, my God.
1310
01:05:36,061 --> 01:05:39,064
♪
1311
01:05:46,571 --> 01:05:48,573
[laughter]
1312
01:05:50,450 --> 01:05:53,744
♪
1313
01:05:53,745 --> 01:05:56,830
♪ Meri ye kahani, jiski hoon deewani ♪
1314
01:05:56,831 --> 01:06:00,668
♪ Wo hai deewana mera ♪
1315
01:06:00,669 --> 01:06:03,755
♪ Jo hai dil ki raani, usko bhi zabaani ♪
1316
01:06:04,589 --> 01:06:08,300
♪ Yaad hai fasaana mera ♪
1317
01:06:08,301 --> 01:06:11,387
♪ Ho, poori hui koi kahani ♪
1318
01:06:11,388 --> 01:06:15,516
♪ Mil gayi dil ki nishaani ♪
1319
01:06:15,517 --> 01:06:19,019
♪ Jhoom uthi ye zindagaani ♪
1320
01:06:19,020 --> 01:06:22,815
♪ Toh nach le, nach le all night ♪
1321
01:06:22,816 --> 01:06:26,485
♪ Where's the party tonight,
somewhere down the road ♪
1322
01:06:26,486 --> 01:06:30,072
♪ Where's the party tonight,
on the dance floor ♪
1323
01:06:30,073 --> 01:06:33,701
♪ O, sapno ke din hain, sapno ki raatein ♪
1324
01:06:33,702 --> 01:06:37,371
♪ Where's the party tonight? ♪
1325
01:06:37,372 --> 01:06:41,000
♪ Where's the party tonight,
somewhere down the road ♪
1326
01:06:41,001 --> 01:06:44,920
♪ Where's the party tonight,
on the dance floor ♪
1327
01:06:44,921 --> 01:06:48,340
♪ O, sapno ke din hain, sapno ki raatein ♪
1328
01:06:48,341 --> 01:06:52,594
♪ Where's the party tonight, tonight? ♪
1329
01:06:52,595 --> 01:06:55,682
[cheering and applause]
1330
01:07:20,915 --> 01:07:23,835
[flies buzzing]