Downloaded from YTS.BZ
[birds singing and chirping]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ
[frogs croaking]
["Only You" playing]
[presenter] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Aaron Chen.
[audience cheering and applauding]
♪ Can you hear me? ♪
[song fades]
Hey, hello. How's it going?
[scattered laughter]
Yeah, sick. Um...
[Aaron chuckles]
This is the biggest show I've done in New York, uh, since--
- [audience cheering] - Yeah.
It's the biggest one I've done since I left the cast of Shen Yun.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles softly]
Some of the best days of my life, I must say.
- [audience laughs] - [snickers]
Nah, it's good to be out here in New York.
It's good. I know you guys haven't seen a lot of this.
Um, this--
You don't have this combo.
- Uh... - [audience laughs]
Guys that look like this and sound like this.
This is--
I'm Chinese-Australian.
My dad, he moved from China to Australia to give us a better life.
I moved to America to make it worse again.
- Uh... - [audience laughing]
Nah.
I love America. It's, uh, going in a great direction.
- Uh... - [audience laughs]
There are Chinese people in Australia. We've got Chinese guys.
There's a lot of them.
I went to a school that was 90% Chinese and Indian kids.
Which you can't officially legislate.
- Like... - [audience laughs]
You're not allowed to just pick them. Uh...
But you can make the tests really hard.
[audience laughing]
I was doing the exam, I'm like,
"These questions are difficult in a way that's racist."
- You know? - [audience laughs]
I was very offended doing the test.
- [audience laughs] - [chuckles]
I've been travelling around America. I've been all around.
I've been to the South.
- Your enemy. Um... - [audience laughs]
I like the South. I do. I like it. It gets a bad--
I like the South. It's one of my favorite directions.
- Uh... - [audience laughs]
I like it so much,
When people say things are going south, I say good.
- You know? - [audience laughs]
Let's go further. Let's go to Mexico. You know?
I've been all around. I've been to San Francisco.
- [scattered whooping] - Oh yeah.
Every time I go back,
these commies are up to something new there.
[audience laughs]
These commies-- They've got driverless cars now.
[audience laughs]
You seen this? Waymo.
Waymo. I like it.
I hope we eliminate all humans.
- You know? - [audience laughs]
One day I'd love to perform to just Waymo.
[audience laughs]
That'd be good.
Those commies.
- [giggles] - [audience laughs]
It's good to be out here. What a place, you know?
It took me a long time to fly out here.
From Australia to America, 22 hours in the air.
That's unbelievable. They've got meals on the plane now.
[audience laughs]
They always had that, but it's, um...
- [audience laughs] - It's still going, you know.
They only have two options, chicken or fish.
That's all they ever had.
And that's not enough information, you know?
What's the chicken? What's the fish?
They don't tell you in the carts. They go quick.
So you're not allowed to ask them questions.
I panic, you know? I say, "Fish."
But it turns out that chicken is a pasta.
Which is my absolute favorite.
[audience laughs]
Chicken Alfredo. Oh my gosh.
Fish was a milkshake. Uh...
[audience laughing]
Horrible stuff.
But you guys got good airlines here.
- Beautiful airlines. Um... - [audience laughs]
Very nice.
I flew on Southwest Airlines.
You heard about this?
[audience laughs]
They have a thing called open seating.
You can pick whichever seat you want when you're on the plane.
It's unbelievable. I didn't know that.
They didn't tell me that. There was no e-mail.
[audience laughs]
I found out when I was on the plane.
- That's Squid Games, you know? - [audience laughs]
You know, I was having a panic attack in the aisle.
People were stepping over my body.
[audience laughs]
I got the worst seat on the plane, you know?
I just had to sit there, think about my life.
It was horrible.
At one point in the flight, a woman got up to go to the toilet.
I took her seat.
[audience laughing]
She comes back, like, "What's going on?" I'm like, "It's open seating, lady!"
[audience laughs]
You know, I'm using her iPad.
[audience laughs]
Looking after her child.
Very good kid. Very good.
I was like, "No more chips until you finish your fish smoothie."
- "We gotta... come on." - [audience laughing]
I came to New York two years ago.
I flew in. I landed via JFK Airport.
- What a beautiful airport this is. - [audience laughs]
It's really good. Really nice.
They got great Wi-Fi.
[audience laughs]
Unbelievable Wi-Fi.
You gotta log into the Wi-Fi.
They don't just let you on. You log on, right?
And they got a log-on page.
At the bottom of the log-on page, there's a box you can click.
And it says, "Would you like to receive JFK Airport news?"
[audience laughs]
I'm like, who's that for? You know?
Who wants JFK Airport news?
But I accidentally clicked it on the way to logging in.
So now I'm getting JFK Airport news.
But I don't even read the regular news.
[audience laughs]
So my main source of news...
[audience laughing]
...is JFK Airport news.
That's not helpful, you know?
New York's a high-level city.
You know about this?
[scattered laughter]
This is a low-level crowd.
- This is, um... - [audience laughing]
A lot of low-level guys in here. They're low-level.
- [audience laughs] - [snickers]
No, I'm serious. I was at a dinner party the other night.
- Not to brag. Um... - [audience laughs]
And I was sat next to one of these guys, right?
High-level guy.
And I was doing pretty good. You know?
I was keeping up.
If you saw me, you'd be like, "This guy's keeping up."
[audience laughs]
And I was, right?
But at one point, he turns to me and he's like,
"What do you think about the conflict in Ukraine?"
[audience laughs]
And I was like...
"How about the renovations at Hudson News?"
- Like... - [audience laughing]
"What do you think about that?" You know?
[audience laughs]
'Cause if you want to talk, we can talk.
[audience laughing]
But it does have to be about JFK, you know?
Like, let's be reasonable.
I don't know. There are conflicts. I do know about them.
They've got more than technology now.
I've seen it. They've got tanks.
Oh, my goodness.
How did they come up with that?
Some believe at war, the invention...
A guy, he must have saw a gun.
He'd be like,
"Yeah, I'd like to drive that."
- [audience laughing] - [Aaron chuckles]
But it's good to be here in America, USA.
What a pla-- Whoa.
- [audience laughs] - [woman laughing]
She loves it. Um...
It's great. It's great to be here.
It's hard to come here, you know?
It takes a lot to come here. You've got to get a visa.
Anyone here got a visa?
[scattered whoops]
You're on a-- What are you on?
- [woman] An E-3. - E-3 visa.
- [men whoop] - This is a rare visa.
[audience laughs]
This is an Australian's only visa.
It was a gift from America to Australia because we helped out in the Iraq war.
[audience laughs]
So for us, it was not a pointless war.
[audience laughing]
We got a visa out of it, you know?
Get them, boys.
- [snickers] - [audience laughs]
And we did get them. Uh, we got them.
- Visa secured. Um... - [audience laughing]
I'm not on that visa. I didn't support the war.
- She loves it. Uh... - [audience laughing]
She really likes it.
I'm on a visa. It's called the O-1 visa.
That's alien of extraordinary ability.
[audience laughs]
This is it.
[audience laughs]
What I'm doing right now, no American could do.
- This is... - [audience laughs]
This is Australian excellence.
- Um-- [chuckles] - [audience laughs]
It's a hard process to get the visa.
It's very difficult, you know? It took me one year.
It cost me $10,000.
Australian dollars, so 20 USD.
- It was... a lot for me. Um... - [audience laughs]
And at the end of it, they make you do a 100-part questionnaire.
And it's psycho.
It's a psycho questionnaire. I never--
Question 1, it lures you in.
Question 1, "What's your name?"
[audience laughs]
At that point, I'm pretty confident. You know? I think I got this. But, uh...
Questions 90 to 100, they go crazy.
Question 90, "Have you ever been involved in a terrorist organization?"
Question 95,
"Have you been a government official in charge during a genocide?"
[audience laughs]
And then question 100,
the last question they ask you before you enter America is,
"Have you ever employed a child soldier?"
[audience laughing]
I'm reading these questions and I'm like, I guess everyone has to fill out forms.
[audience laughs]
You know? Like, there's some guy out there answering yes to these.
[audience laughing]
Who is that?
Just like a warlord?
He's sitting with his child soldier?
He's like, "I'm sorry, kid, I don't think we're going to Broadway."
[audience laughing]
"I don't know if you'll get to see Nicole Scherzinger in Cats."
- [audience laughing] - [chuckles]
I don't know if she's in Cats. Um...
[snickers]
It's good to be here in New York. What a place.
I went to the Natural History Museum.
- [scattered whoops] - Yeah.
I took my friend, who's a vegan,
and they had an exhibition,
it was on carnivorous plants.
I'm like, these guys are the opposite, you know?
[audience laughs]
Like...
Who's gonna get who?
- But it's... - [audience laughs]
Things are on a different scale in America, you know?
You guys do things on a big scale.
It's, um-- 'Cause, like--
For example, your most famous statue is called the Statue of Liberty.
It represents all your freedom, all in one statue.
You've got the Washington Monument.
That represents something also.
[audience laughs]
In Australia, our most famous statue, it's called The Big Banana.
[audience laughs]
It represents a regular banana.
[audience laughing]
But we wanted to see how big we can get it.
[audience laughs]
Turns out, pretty bloody big.
- [audience laughing] - [laughs]
But it's good to be out here.
What a place, huh?
You do have to be brave to live in New York.
Only some of the bravest guys live here.
There's a lot of bravery.
I saw a guy jumping over the turnstiles at the subway.
- What? - [audience laughs]
That's unbelievable.
I could never do that. I'd crawl under.
- Uh... - [audience laughs]
You've gotta be brave to live here, you know?
'Cause you can get tricked.
I'm getting tricked.
- I'm getting tricked. - [audience laughs]
I'm serious. They're tricking me a lot.
You know these guys, they sell the charities at you?
They've got the vests on. You know, they've got the clipboard.
- They're good. - [audience laughs]
They're unbelievable, you know?
They're always tricking me.
They've got little riddles, you know?
They've got traps and stuff.
If you get any of them wrong, you have to solve world hunger.
- It's... - [audience laughs]
The first trap they have, is they say, "I love your shirt."
[audience laughs]
It took me two or three times to realize they did not love my shirt.
[audience laughs]
This is not a coincidence, you know?
What I learnt is you're meant to say, "Thank you so much," and you keep walking.
Right? You've got to ignore these guys.
But then they've got a second riddle.
And they say, "Do you know the only state that ends with the letter K?"
That's very hard not to stop for.
[audience laughs]
That's very intriguing.
I'm like, "I don't know."
"Kentucky?"
[audience laughs]
And they say, "No."
"It's New York."
[audience laughs]
Isn't that charming?
[audience laughs]
Isn't that nice?
That's where we are right now.
- The answer was beneath our feet. - [audience laughing]
This is unbelievable!
But you get it wrong. I had to give them all my credit cards.
[audience laughs]
But I've adapted, you know?
You've got to adapt to the city. I'm adapting.
I know what you're supposed to do.
The other day they tried to get me. They work in twos, you know?
I'm walking on the street.
One of them comes up to me. He's like, "I like your shirt."
I say, "Thank you."
And I keep going.
And the other guy, he goes, "Well, do you know the only state--?"
And I say, "New York."
[audience laughs]
He perishes.
- He's dead. - [audience laughing]
Keep going, you know?
You've gotta be brave. People are brave here.
People are obsessed with crimes in New York.
They love it.
They love, um--
I know they're obsessed 'cause you guys got an app called Citizen.
- [woman] Yes! - Yeah, get it, girl.
- [woman whoops] - [audience laughs]
It's, uh... it's unbelievable, you know?
This app, if you don't know what it is, it shows you a map of New York City.
And it shows you every single crime going on at that exact moment.
There's a second map on there.
It shows you every registered sex offender that lives near you.
It's unbelievable--
People are obsessed with this app. There's a premium function.
- [audience laughs] - You can pay money to it, you know?
I think you match with them. Um...
- [audience laughs] - I don't know. I don't know.
Sorry. Um... [laughs]
It's good to be out. It's a busy, busy city.
- Can we all admit that? - [audience laughs]
Very busy, this city. Very busy.
Some people, they even call it-- They call it the city that...
is very busy.
- It's... it's busy. - [audience laughs]
Some people are so busy, they're eating overnight oats.
[audience laughs]
Have you heard about this?
They don't have time in the morning to make oatmeal.
They've gotta make it the night before.
That's too busy.
[audience laughs]
Oatmeal is not traditionally a 24-hour dish, you know?
We never had to plan for oatmeal before.
For hundreds of years, we've been making oatmeal when we feel like it.
[audience laughs]
It's too busy.
Since moving here, I've become too busy for overnight oats.
When I go to sleep, I put the oats in my mouth, you know?
[audience laughs]
I wake up and I swallow. I'm like...
- [audience laughing] - Let's go.
But you have to eat oats. You do.
[audience laughs]
That's what they say. It's a super food.
You know about this?
It's... the food system is all messed up, I swear.
They've got microplastics now.
You heard about this?
One of my friends, he was telling me, allegedly,
the average person eats one credit card a week.
[audience laughs]
That's too much.
[audience laughs]
I take one bite, I'm like, that's enough, you know?
- [audience laughs] - [chuckles]
But you gotta eat healthy, you know? You do have to eat healthy.
I've been having smoothies.
You guys don't do smoothies?
[audience laughs]
I'm doing smoothies. You've gotta do smoothies now.
I don't know what to put in the smoothies.
I don't know who to trust. I've just got everything in there.
Anyone-- Any-- Anything anyone says you've gotta put in a smoothie,
I'll put it in there, you know?
I don't know who to trust. Left wing, right wing?
[audience laughs]
They all have great ideas on smoothies.
I've got elk meat and AstraZeneca, you know?
[audience laughs]
I'm having diarrhea and autism.
- [audience laughing] - [chuckles]
But... [chuckles]
No, it's crazy to be out here.
[scattered laughter]
It's a beautiful place, America.
Because you guys have diversity here.
- Not in this room, but... - [audience laughs]
Generally there is diversity, you know?
It's beautiful.
We've got diversity in Australia.
But we've got different guys to you.
[audience laughs]
You guys have got different guys here.
And I think that's nice.
[audience laughs]
I think that's good. It's good to see new guys.
I've been seeing new--
I saw a Korean man yelling at a Hasidic Jew
in Spanish.
[audience laughing]
Isn't that beautiful?
Isn't that what we've been working towards?
That's gorgeous. That's nice.
It's 'cause you have Latin culture.
Latin culture is infused into American society.
It's beautiful, you know?
We don't really have Latin culture in Australia.
We've got a couple of guys.
[audience laughs]
They're called Guzman y Gomez.
- They... - [audience laughing]
They're kind of entrepreneurs.
It's a part of American society.
I love it. I've been embracing it a lot.
I went to a Mexican restaurant.
It's... called Chipotle.
[audience laughing]
Very beautiful culture. Very beautiful.
I went to a Mexican restaurant one time in Los Angeles.
And it was a beautiful restaurant. Very long line. I was lining up.
I was lining up behind this middle-aged man,
and he was with his mother.
And they were speaking Spanish to each other.
That's traditional.
[audience laughs]
At one point, he leaves a line to go get his mother a menu.
But he also got me a menu.
- Isn't that gorgeous? - [audience laughs]
That's really nice.
That's really...
So I look him in the eyes and I say,
"Gracias."
[audience laughs]
He looks at me. He says, "I speak English."
[audience laughs]
"You don't need to practice your Spanish on me."
And that's a learning moment for me, you know?
I'm humbled. I'm not from around here.
All I can-- I bow my head and I say,
"Lo siento."
[audience laughing]
[Aaron giggles]
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing and applauding]
But...
But my life's not going well. I, um...
[audience laughs]
I'm serious. I realized my life wasn't going well
because Spotify recommended me a playlist called Sad Girl Vibes.
- Uh... - [audience laughs]
It's not good, man. The world's gone nasty.
The Internet's gone nasty.
Don't you think? Internet's very nasty now.
I was on, um, gmail.com.
[audience laughs]
Very nasty stuff they got going on.
They got a new notification.
It says, "You sent this e-mail four days ago."
They haven't replied.
[audience laughs]
It's like, you don't need to tell me that.
I've been thinking about that for four days, you know?
[audience laughs]
It's nasty, you know?
They have a thing now, it's called AI.
I heard they're introducing it at JFK Airport. It's...
[audience laughing]
I heard it's going to affect the future of jobs.
That's what it's saying.
It's saying the jobs-- The article I was reading,
it was saying the jobs that are most secure,
they're the ones you can define just by reading the job title.
Just by reading the job title, you need to know what the job's about.
Jobs like a soccer player.
[audience chuckles]
That's really good, you know?
Nurse. That's a doing word.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, yeah.
Not to brag, but stand-up comedy, that's very secure.
[audience laughs]
Comedy. Make people laugh.
It even tells you what position to do it in, you know? Like...
- Upright. Um... - [audience laughs]
But I get worried, because I have a family friend,
and he's a management consultant.
I can't even begin to know what that is, you know?
I don't even know what management is.
I guess you manage, but so does everyone, you know?
[audience laughs]
Even people who are struggling.
You say, "Do you need help?"
They say, "I'll manage," you know?
[audience laughs]
I'm worried about him on multiple levels, because, um, even "family friend..."
- [exhales] - [audience laughing]
That's someone who's neither family nor a friend, you know?
That's a guy you have to hang out with 'cause of your dad.
[audience laughing]
But my life's not going well, um...
I'm serious.
I clogged my drain the other day.
[scattered laughter]
I did. I clogged it right up.
I had to get a bottle of Drano.
This guy, he shows me around the store for like ten minutes.
At the end of it, he's like, "This is unbelievable."
"I have no idea where they're putting it."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "I thought you were 'them,'" you know? Like...
[audience laughs]
But I go home, I take the Drano home.
This drain is clogged up.
It's really bad.
I had to pour the whole bottle of Drano down there to get it unclogged.
I thought that's what you're supposed to do.
I told my friend this.
He said, "That's disgusting."
[audience laughs]
It's like, "Do you know how bad that is for the dolphins?"
And to be honest, like, I didn't even consider the dolphins, you know?
[audience laughs]
I didn't know that it got to them.
That's so far away.
I'm on the seventh floor.
[audience laughs]
But when he told me that, I felt horrible, you know?
Like, I was disgusted with myself.
I had to make a peace offering.
I poured a can of tuna down there.
[audience laughing]
Please have that, you know, please.
It wouldn't really go down, so I had to put a little bit of Drano to...
[audience laughing]
...ease it through, you know?
We got to get it to the dolphins.
Other stuff's going well. I got a dishwasher.
- [scattered whoops] - Yeah, thank you.
[audience laughing and applauding]
That's the biggest clap of the show.
- That's... [chuckles] - [audience laughs]
I got a dishwasher. It's been going pretty good.
I used to rinse the dishes before I put them in.
But I heard that you're not supposed to do that, you know?
I heard that if you rinse them before you put them in,
it's actually really bad for the dishwasher's self-confidence.
- [audience laughing] - It needs to be built on trust, you know?
I don't risk it anymore. I go dining now.
I'm eating out. You guys dine?
- [man 1] Yeah. - Yeah.
Hell yeah.
[audience laughs]
You guys dine?
- [man 2] Yeah. - Wow.
- Table for two? - [man 2] Table for two.
[exhales] Pretty good.
[audience laughs]
Pretty good. I've been doing table for one.
[audience laughing]
Nothing wrong with that. It's not illegal yet. Um...
They're probably gonna try to make it. But I, um...
Table for one. You can book online.
Resy.com.
[scattered laughter]
What is this, an open table crowd?
[audience laughing]
I'm... [laughs]
[audience continues laughing]
I'm booking online. I, um...
I am table for one.
They always ask you if it's an occasion.
I always put something, you know?
- 'Cause it's funny. - [audience laughs]
On the page, it looks funny.
Table for one, there's an occasion?
[audience laughing]
Are you kidding me?
That's unbelievable.
You get there, it's not funny.
[audience laughing]
They're very sad for you, you know?
[audience laughs]
[sighs]
"Happy anniversary." You know? Like...
[audience laughing]
[Aaron chuckles]
But, I mean, yeah, I've been dining out too much, probably.
I've been dining out a lot.
- My body is falling apart. - [audience laughs]
It's falling apart. I got--
I had a tooth that was decaying so bad, I went to the dentist, and she's like,
"Yeah, we're gonna have to put a crown on it."
I was like, "Why are you putting a crown on that one?"
"That's the worst tooth."
[audience laughs]
"You've gotta put it on the canines."
I love those dogs.
[audience laughs]
But she's like, "No, it's urgent. We're gonna have to do it now."
And, um, she did the root canal, put the crown on,
and she's like, "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, but, um, you're gonna have to hold off
from flossing that area for about two weeks."
And I was like, "I've been holding off for a lot longer than that."
- [audience laughs] - "On your word, doc."
- [audience laughing] - [chuckles]
My body's falling apart.
I got a fungal infection on my toe, you know?
Sorry to have to tell you that, but that is what's going on in my life.
And I went to the doctor's and he said, "You know, in the past,
traditionally, how people would prevent infection,
they used to urinate on the feet."
I was like, "I'm gonna need a second opinion on that
before you do it."
- Like, you know? Like... - [audience laughing]
But I need to get into shape.
I do. I'm a family man now.
I've got a sister. Um...
[audience laughs]
I've got a sister.
I'm trying to get into shape. I'm getting inspired.
I watched my friend do the triathlon.
That's running, swimming, and cycling.
I don't think I've done those activities in the same calendar year, you know?
It's very inspiring.
I've got to get inspired to work.
I've been watching sports.
You seen this?
[audience laughs]
They're fit, these guys. I, um...
I've been watching soccer.
I watched a game just today, you know?
At halftime, they got the commentators to come on,
talk about the first half of the match.
And one of them, he was talking about a player.
He said, "This is the most creative player we've ever seen."
"He's like a book with hundreds of pages
and every page is different."
I'm like, that's every book.
[audience laughing]
If your book has the same pages, I'd say your book is broken, you know?
You need to get a new book.
But I'm doing it now, I'm working out.
I go and I work out.
I go to a gym.
I go to one of these gyms, everyone's looking gorgeous, you know?
You know these? Some gyms, people don't look good.
[audience laughs]
The gym I'm at, everyone's gorgeous.
But they work out with an intensity in their eyes
that suggests that they don't believe they look good.
- That's a real tragedy. - [audience laughs]
It breaks my heart, you know?
I have to remind people, you know?
I announce it in the change room.
- Uh... - [audience laughs]
I'm like, "Fellas, you're looking good!"
[audience laughing]
"You're looking nice!"
The ladies are good too.
I don't go-- I yell it into the change room.
[audience laughs]
There's no laws against that. Um...
- [audience laughing] - [snickers]
Not yet.
- [laughs] - [audience laughs]
But I don't know. It's good to be out here, you know?
I'm married now, thank you.
- [audience cheering and applauding] - Yeah.
What a beautiful institution.
I, um...
I went to Thailand for the honeymoon.
- [audience] Ooh... - [whistles softly]
- Yep. - [audience laughing]
I love Thailand.
I told my dad this. I texted him.
I said, "We're going to Thailand for the honeymoon."
He doesn't text back. He calls back immediately.
He's like, "Don't go to Thailand."
"They're harvesting the organs of Taiwanese nationals."
[audience laughs]
And immediately I know what's going on, right?
'Cause my dad, he's on an app called WeChat.
[audience laughs]
And what this is, it's a Chinese messaging app
where all my family have a group chat with one another,
and they share, uh, conspiracy theories,
often in the form of a JPEG.
- Um... - [audience laughing]
And the one of that day was about harvesting Taiwanese organs.
I pushed back. I'm like, "Dad, I'm not Taiwanese."
[audience laughing]
He knows that, you know?
We've known each other quite some time.
[audience laughing]
But he's adamant. He keeps pushing, right?
I want to convince him once and for all that these are conspiracy theories.
Like, anyone can do them.
- I'm pretty good at Photoshop. - [audience laughs]
So what I did was I got a picture of the Australian prime minister,
and I put a caption on it.
I said that they're beheading Chinese people in Hornsby.
[audience laughing]
That's where he lives. And...
I post that in the group chat.
Ten minutes later, the group chat's going crazy. It's...
My uncle calls me. He's like, "We're locking down." You know?
[audience laughing]
I defied my father's orders. I went to Thailand anyway.
Beautiful country.
It's one of the great massage cultures.
[audience laughs]
You've got, um, Thailand,
Sweden...
And that's it.
[audience laughing]
But, uh...
They have, um, these massage places
that are run entirely by female ex-prisoners.
It's beautiful.
'Cause a lot of society, they write these women off, right?
Some of them have petty crime charges.
Some of them even have assault charges.
But these places, they see these women and they said,
"What you did,
could you focus that on the neck and the shoulders?"
- Like... - [audience laughing]
My dad's a great guy. He's a good guy.
He helped me invent my signature, you know?
He sat me down, I was eight years old.
He was like, "You're a man now."
And I remember, it was such a tender moment.
He helped me do every, like, jag and every curve of the signature.
Beautiful.
Immediately after, he helped me commit my first tax fraud.
- He... - [audience laughing]
Like, "Sign here, where it says you work for me."
And, um, I didn't work for him.
So I was reluctant, you know?
But he had to take me to his accountant to try to strong-arm me.
And she's a Chinese woman, and she was really flexing on me.
And how you do this in Chinese culture
is you bring up a lot of stories from history,
show off your knowledge.
Like, you've got to know a lot of idioms, stuff like that.
And she sits me down, and she's like, "Do you know Michelangelo?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
I thought it was a turtle.
- Um... - [audience laughing]
But she says, "When he finished building the Statue of David..."
And I was like, "There's another one."
- Um... - [audience laughing]
"But when he finished, uh, someone came up to him,
and they said, 'Was it hard?'"
"And he said, 'No, it was easy.'"
"'I just took away from the marble everything that wasn't David.'"
And I was like, "What's that got to do with my tax return?" You know?
[audience laughs]
And she said, "Well, the block of marble, that's your income."
"David, that's your tax return."
[audience laughs]
- And I didn't know what that meant. Um... - [audience laughs]
But I thought we were both going to jail, for sure.
- [audience laughing] - [chuckles]
But it's good being married.
Beautiful thing to be married. I, uh...
My wife, she moved from Australia, uh, to America with me.
She quit her corporate job in Australia.
And now she's at culinary school.
[women whooping and applauding]
After that, we'll send her to cleaning school.
[audience laughing]
Uh, sorry for saying that.
- I, uh... - [audience laughing]
Uh, but a lot of you did like it, so...
[audience laughing]
I wanted to cut that out of the special, but you liked it too much.
- Um... - [audience laughing]
[chuckles]
She goes to a culinary school in, uh, Manhattan.
It's called the Institute of Culinary Education.
- That's ICE. Uh... - [audience laughing]
It's an unbelievable time to be going to a school called ICE.
They like the name, they think it's good, uh...
Some big letters on her backpack, ICE.
[audience laughs]
She catches the subway like that.
I'm like, "I'm gonna get a different one."
- I, uh... - [audience laughs]
If you want to go to culinary school in New York,
the two options that you have is ICE
or the Culinary Institute of America.
[audience laughs]
CIA.
- This is unbelievable. - [audience laughing]
She's going to have to do a post-grad abroad, um,
she's going to Al-Qaeda.
It's a beautiful school.
- [chuckles] - [audience laughs]
But it's good to be married.
We're having a couple of arguments.
That's healthy.
That's beautiful.
[audience laughs]
Our main source of argument at the moment is how we sort the laundry.
You know? How we organize the clothes.
'Cause I'm quite a simple guy.
Like, a simpleton, that kind of thing. You know?
I have a very simple system of organizing my laundry.
It follows the human form.
It goes top shelf, tops.
Bottom shelf, bottoms.
Middle shelf, obviously belts.
[audience laughs]
But she has a much more complex system. You know? She's very intelligent.
- She tries to trick me, and... - [audience laughs]
She doesn't just have three categories. She's got sub-categories.
And some of the categories are subjective, you know?
She's got a category called "cute little tops."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "How am I supposed to do that?"
You know? We're having big fights.
I'm like, "Honey, I don't think that top's that cute."
[audience laughing]
But it's taking me a long time to sort the laundry, you know?
So I've been reading the tags.
There's stuff in--
- There's content, you know? - [audience laughs]
I didn't know there was content. Everywhere you look, you can find content.
- Um... - [audience laughs]
That's really good. There's content on the tag.
I was reading one of the shirts, and one of the tags, it said,
"I'm made of 100% recycled plastic bottles."
I was shocked. I took the shirt up to her. I said, "We're doing pretty well."
[audience laughs]
"I can get you something better, you know."
[audience laughs]
"Made of anything you want."
"Even new bottles."
- Like, "We can... we can do that." - [audience laughing]
But that's not to say that I don't have crazy clothes of my own.
I've got a set of pajamas.
That's tops and bottoms.
Where's that going? You know?
Can't go with the belts. It, um...
But the pajama, the top, it's a button-down top, right?
And that's more formal than I wear day-to-day.
[audience laughs]
I imagine an outside observer looking in.
They'd see me take off my T-shirt and putting on a button-down.
[audience laughs]
They'd be like, "This guy is serious about sleep."
[audience laughs]
I'm like, let's hit those KPIs.
- Uh... - [audience laughs]
But since we moved in together, we have new stuff.
There's new stuff in the house.
It's unbelievable. I didn't--
The bathroom has more things.
[audience laughs]
Before I got married, I had three liquids.
[audience laughs]
You had the hand wash, um, toothpaste,
and then three-in-one.
[audience laughs]
And that would cover all realms of the body.
- Um... - [audience laughs]
But now we've got a lot of liquids. There's new sauces.
[audience laughs]
We've got a skincare regime now.
And it is a regime.
Very oppressive.
- It's... - [audience laughing]
It's daily.
There's new liquids that I've never heard of before.
The other day she said to me, um, "Can you pass the toner?"
And I was like, "We don't have a printer." You know? Like...
[audience laughs]
- [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
But it's good. You know, it's, um...
You've got to put the effort in.
[audience laughing]
That's really my advice. You do.
I've been putting the effort in.
I did, um, the love language test.
It's so important.
[audience laughs]
It's one of the most important things you can do.
- And I did it. I, um... - [audience laughs]
I did the love language test.
It turns out my love language is not gift-giving.
Um, and it was my wife's birthday the other week.
[audience laughs]
So what I did was, I put my hand on her shoulder.
And I said, "Good on you."
[audience laughing]
That's, uh, words of affirmation.
And touch, you know? Kinda...
- I got her two things. Um... - [audience laughs]
Really spoiled her.
It's quality time too, two hours straight. We did it, um...
- "Good on you. Good on you." You know? - [audience laughs]
She does like quality time. She loves it.
She loves going to cultural events.
Isn't that good?
[audience laughs]
We went to the opera together. We went-- I, um...
- I struggled, I must admit, uh... - [audience laughing]
She's like, "Why are you closing your eyes?"
I'm like, "I'm really into it."
- Uh... yeah. - [audience laughing]
"But I think you were snoring."
I was like, "I was singing along." Uh...
[audience laughs]
I love that bit. I, um...
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
But you learn a lot from being married. You do. I have been learning a lot.
Um, before I got married, I had the same pillow for ten years.
[audience laughs]
I didn't know you weren't allowed.
[audience laughing]
I thought that was good. Like, cost per use.
That kind of thing, you know?
By the time I was finished with it, it was wafer thin.
[audience laughs]
- It was a memory foam pillow, you know? - [audience laughs]
Ran out of storage space.
- Yeah. - [audience laughs]
When I got married,
I found out that you're not allowed to have one pillow for ten years.
- It's disgusting. - [audience laughing]
It's against God. Um...
You have to have four pillows all the time.
[audience laughs]
Two of the pillows you use.
And two of the pillows you put on the floor straight away.
[audience laughing]
Every single night.
You never use them, right?
Your neck couldn't sustain that angle for the duration of the night.
These are decorative pillows.
What are they decorating?
- The other pillows. - [audience laughs]
It's unbelievable.
They're high quality pillows too.
In my household, these pillows, they're the same as the main pillows.
That's a lot of potential going wasted on the floor every night.
They're like, "Put me on, coach."
[audience laughs]
"I could change this up."
They're waiting for the main pillows to get drooled out.
And I am drooling.
I, uh, hate to admit it,
but I have to wear a mouth guard to go to sleep.
Anyone do that?
[scattered whoops]
- It's humiliating. It's... - [audience laughing]
It's horrible to admit. It's...
'Cause back in the day, mouth guards,
they were reserved for professional boxers,
um, NFL players.
But nowadays,
my life's gotten so stressful, that the act of going to sleep
is the same as blunt force head trauma.
[audience laughing]
It's humiliating wearing this thing.
And so many oats get stuck in it, it's...
[audience laughing and applauding]
But it's good.
We've been traveling. We travel.
We went to, um, Mexico.
- [audience exclaims softly] - Ooh...
What a beautiful place. Mexico City.
- [scattered whoops and applause] - [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
There's a few attempted claps tonight.
- [audience laughs] - [laughs]
We went to Mexico City.
We went to watch the lucha libre. You know about this?
- [man whoops] - You don't have to start.
- [laughs] - [audience laughing]
We saw the lucha libre.
These guys, the luchas, they wear the masks.
You know these guys? They wear the masks, um, if you don't know the lucha.
The most famous lucha is, um, called Jack Black.
[audience laughs]
And, uh, we went to watch the lucha libre.
The first match we watched,
it was between a lucha, the guy wearing the mask,
and he was fighting a caveman.
And everyone was booing the caveman. I didn't know what was going on.
So I had to ask someone, "What's happening?"
And he said that they like the lucha more
'cause the lucha is more traditional.
But I would have thought that the caveman is more traditional.
[audience laughs]
You know, that's one of the original guys.
But if you thought that I was confused,
my wife didn't know that wrestling was fake.
[audience laughs]
So she thought that this was a real fight,
and they were still choosing to backflip.
You know, like they...
[audience laughs]
They thought that was a good use of their time.
Her mind was blown.
She took like 100 Instagram stories on the night.
All with the captions like, "Wow."
Like, "OMG."
Like, it was the best night of both of our lives.
It was unbelievable.
At one point in the fight, a little person came into the ring.
And he threw the referee out of the ring.
[audience laughs]
And at that point, I thought, "The jig is up."
[audience laughs]
The jig was not up.
She turns to me, she's like, "Is that allowed?"
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "I don't know. It's a real perversion of justice."
- You know? - [audience laughs]
We were walking home from the night, from the event.
And we were both feeling very good.
We were on cloud nine.
But as we were walking, the pieces started to fall into place.
And she started to get messages from back home, from her friends.
They're like, "You do know that wrestling isn't real?"
[scattered laughter]
And she was furious at me.
She was like, "Why didn't you tell me that wrestling was fake?"
And I was like, "I wouldn't know where to begin."
[audience laughs]
Like, "Do you know that cavemen aren't around?"
- Like, we... - [audience laughing]
"We don't have that anymore," um...
Dude, this is a beautiful crowd.
- What a beautiful crowd. - [audience laughs]
This is amazing. What a night, huh?
Any of you come to this show 'cause you know me from Fisk?
[audience whoops]
A few Fisk-heads.
If you don't know what Fisk is, it's, um, kind of a legal comedy.
It's created by the Australian government.
- And, um... - [audience laughs]
I think it's a psy-op.
- I, uh... - [audience laughs]
No, it changed my life.
'Cause before I did Fisk,
I was just doing stand-up comedy, you know.
And I always looked like this.
[audience laughs]
- This is all I had to offer. Um... - [audience laughs]
And I would go on YouTube and Instagram to see the demographics,
like who was watching the stuff.
And it was always 90% male, 25 to 34.
Anyone fit that demographic?
[men whooping]
This is not a good demographic.
[audience laughing]
A lot of incels.
- Um... - [audience laughs]
These guys, they don't come out to the show.
They're busy planning something.
- [audience laughs] - [chuckles]
I don't know what. I, uh...
But it was a very dark path I was going down.
It couldn't continue that way.
- But then God intervened. - [scattered laughter]
He sent the prophet, Kitty Flanagan.
[audience laughs and whoops]
And she cast me in this show Fisk.
Overnight, the demographic changed.
Women, 45 to 54.
[women whooping and cheering]
What a beautiful sound.
- This is... - [audience laughs]
Overnight, these angels descended into my shows.
These beautiful white angels.
- Uh... - [audience laughs]
[chuckles]
They love coming to the shows. They, um...
But that's why I had to leave Australia.
- I had to get away from all these mamas. - [audience laughing]
All right, that's my time. Thank you very much, New York!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[lilting classical music playing]
[lilting classical music continues]
[music fades]