COPENHAGEN, DENMARK
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Good afternoon, Mr. Petrescu.
I would like...
to make a last-minute change
to my will.
Of course.
I will have to call the notary as well,
but you may tell me what this concerns,
so I can prepare the document.
As you well know,
I fled Romania in 1964,
and here, in Denmark,
I built myself up through my own efforts.
I had intended to leave my entire fortune
to a humanitarian foundation,
but upon further reflection...
You see, the family I come from...
was made up of extremely idiotic people.
Absolutely all the relatives I left behind...
including my grandchildren and great-grandchildren...
have carried on this sad...
inheritance of...
imbecility in my bloodline.
Therefore, I have decided to leave everything I have achieved in Denmark
to the first member of my family
still living in Romania
who will pursue a higher education.
Hey, you listening?
Listen up.
You're at North train station, at the ticket counter, right?
And the woman at the counter asks you: what would you like?
You answer: I'd like a ticket. And she asks: to where?
Meaning what's your final destination? What do you say?
Well, where am I going?
Are you crazy? You're asking me?
I'm not going anywhere, I've got no business going anywhere.
Then what are you doing at the train station?
I swear, you're laughing at your own jokes now!
Get the hell outta here!
Man, what's wrong with you? What's in that coffee?
Robert, I want to ask something,
I don't know how to because I don't want to upset you.
Get to the subject. I already know the predicate.
Robert, when you broke up with Daniela back then,
you didn't want to tell me or Ginuța what the hell happened between you two.
You said it was too painful, that you couldn't talk about it.
Have you cooled off since then? Can you tell me what happened?
Malone, how do I put this, brother?
You're in a relationship with someone,
and over time they turn out to be a low-life piece of trash,
a disgusting character, human garbage.
Do you stay in that relationship?
No.
Well, that's what she said too.
Alright, I've got an order coming in.
Coming in where? I'm coming too.
Ha-ha-ha, I'm dead, I swear!
Alright.
Let's get to it.
Okay... Second one.
Just like that.
What the hell are you doing over there?
This order I just got is for a client
who ticked the box saying he wants to pay cash, you get me?
So?
Kiddo, Romanians who pay cash to the delivery guy leave bigger tips
if the courier's Nepalese, Pakistani, you know, one of those Asian guys.
True. They feel sorrier for them, figure they're worse off.
True. No argument there.
So when I get one of these cash orders,
I put this tape over my eyes like this, bam, bam, and pretend I'm Nepalese.
Right? Right!
Man! I play the game, the game doesn't play me.
God bless your family! How does stuff like this even pop into your head!?
In life, you just have to be smart for five minutes.
Hey, tell me something, can you pick me up at 4:30 p.m.
from that rental place?
What am I, Uber?
Come on, man, just say you'll pick me up!
Yeah, I'll get you, relax! Hey, isn't that Chițac?
- Which Chițac? - The one who smacks you flat!
I swear on my mother you're stupid, man!
Get the hell outta here, you clown! That's how you play!?
You slap like you're kicking, I swear!
Uber's great, man, no stress at all.
You sleep and wake up when you want, no one sets your schedule,
you don't have a boss, nobody tells me what to do.
- Turn right here. - Yes, my boss.
May God grant you health,
and the Holy Mother back Him up when things get tough.
Would you like some candy? Some still water?
No, thank you.
You've taken a weight off my chest, sir, because I didn't even have any.
- Mihnea? - Yeah?
Do you happen to have smaller bills? I only have a 200.
Hold on, I've got it, what the hell.
I do Uber just for fun, I like taking the car out, you know...
I own three car washes in Germany.
I invested in Bitcoin, just bought three little beach houses in Zanzibar,
I keep them there as a kind of hotel business, you know...
- In Zanzibar? - In Zanzibar, yeah.
- Nice! - Yeah.
I know Zanzibar very well.
I'm a travel agent and I spent a long time there.
Where are your houses in Zanzibar? Maybe I can help you.
On the beach there, at their... place.
Yes, on the beach, but where? Which town?
That one, yeah.
- Baba Novac, right? - Exactly.
Robi Roberto, nice to meet you.
You fell asleep on that bike, watch where you're going!
Hey, I told you not to hang around here anymore, move along!
Raus with that ball out of here!
- What's up. - Hugs, bro.
Cheers.
Hey, hold up. I told you to get that ball out of here, I swear on my family!
Leave it, they're kids! You're picking on kids now?
Hey, stop hitting that window, you're gonna break it!
What the hell is it with these kids? Don't they have internet at home?
Look at that...
I was surprised that the police hadn't pulled me over in two days.
Bless your family, seriously. I'm cursed with these guys,
I need to go see a witch.
Why?
To lift the curse of the sirens, my fines are all tied up.
Good day!
Chief Agent, Special Coordinator, Dorian Narcis Bacanu.
Local Police, District 3.
Please present your documents and the car's registration papers.
Thank you very much.
I must inform you that at this moment you are being recorded
through modern audio-video methods, yes?
- Oh boy. - Sir...
That traffic sign... did you not see it?
I did... well no, I saw it, but I wasn't parking.
I just stopped to pick up my buddy here.
Good day to you!
How long have you had your driver's license?
- What revelance does that have! - Relevance.
Anyway.
What traffic sign is that?
No parking.
I see. That's why I asked how long you've had your license.
Because that is actually a no stopping sign, sir.
Oh, come on! That's a no stopping sign?
Exactly.
Fine then, I admit it, I was parking.
And in order to park, did you not first have to stop?
Were you in the mood for a philosophical debate and just happened to pick me?
Dorian, man, let Bianca rot in prison, I swear!
How long are you gonna hold this grudge against us?
First of all...
Please maintain a certain level of respect, yes?
Address me as Agent, as I have addressed you formally.
- Oh boy! - Secondly...
I told you I never wanted to see you again,
you ruined my life, you dragged me into nothing but trouble,
and you're complete idiots!
I chose a different path! The path of the law!
Then forgive me, Agent, if I ask as a concerned citizen,
since when does Local Police issue traffic fines?
There are certain violations that fall under the jurisdiction
of the Local Police, yes?
So the Local Police can issue traffic fines?
Exactly.
Yeah, but I wasn't driving. I was parked.
Dorian, come on, let's ease the tension a bit.
Want me to tell you a cop joke?
Yeah, go on.
I...
forgot it.
Tell the joke.
I swear, I don't remember it anymore.
Tell the joke, man!
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know. How many?
Just one, I swear on my family,
he's a genius, he can handle any situation.
You think a lightbulb can outsmart him? He screws it in immediately.
Fine.
Wait here, yes?
You're very brave!
Leave me the hell alone!
Yeah, we'll go get you another beer, relax!
The ego on this guy, I swear.
- He got me all worked up. - Same here.
He became a cop... Man, don't they have anyone at the Local Police hiring office
to filter people out?
Like, someone to say,
"Look, the guy weighs 300 pounds, there's no way he can be a cop,
no physical condition, right?"
You have to know physics to be a cop?
Oh, thank you, Billy87!
Careful, the girl in the Renault wants to squeeze in on the right.
- I'm not even looking. Is she young? - Yeah.
- Is she pretty? - Yeah.
Let her squeeze in.
Listen, let her squeeze in. Hear me out.
We all want hot girls,
but what really matters is that a woman be beautiful on the inside.
Oh really... a woman has to be beautiful on the inside?
Yeah.
Next time I go on a date, I'll bring an endoscope. For real.
Man! You know what those guys at Digi did to me?
What'd they do?
Ginuța forced me to port my number to them, damn it!
And now she calls me ten times a day with all sorts of nonsense!
She calls me ten times a day, I swear, won't leave me alone!
Oh! Thank you, Bendeac42!
Before, I could get away with it.
I'd tell her I was entering a no-signal zone.
I'd pretend like... connec... inter... You know, my tricks.
And now?
Now what can I do? Nothing! Digi's got signal even in a snake hole.
And Ginuța knows it. That's why she made me switch to them, obviously.
Can't even use that excuse anymore.
Get ready to get out.
- Why? - I need to fill up.
Why do I have to get out?
You know you're not allowed inside gas stations.
- Why? - Because you're explosively dumb.
Stop it, your head looks like a gas meter.
- See it? We charge it up. - Get the hell outta here!
Sex bomb, sex bomb, sex Panamera.
- Is Gina in, so I know... - Yes.
- Is that your mailbox? - Yeah.
Don't you see how everything's spilling out?
You've got letters, envelopes, all that junk. Clean your mailbox!
Is there zero responsibility left in this world?
- You're such an asshole. - Yeah, fine.
This country's never getting better.
Get in. Like you've got somewhere else to go!
- Screw you! - Screw you!
Sex bomb, sex bomb, sex Panamera.
You wanna six bomb, you...
Why do you even keep this fridge plugged in?
So that little light can stay cold or what? I don't get it.
Mega Image discount flyer, gas bill, gas payment notices...
Hey, bless your family again, what kind of devilish contraption is that?
That's Gina's wish board.
Wish what?
Gina's wish board.
She saw in some documentary or whatever the hell it's called on YouTube,
that if you put everything you want in life on a board like that
and stare at it every day, eventually, one day,
you'll have everything written on it.
And there is everything she wants out of life?
Yeah.
Wouldn't have hurt to put a picture of a brain up there. I swear!
Gas warning, unpaid fines notice, more Mega Image discounts.
I swear, they've got more discounts than actual products.
Campaign flyer: Vote Traian Băsescu.
For Mayor of the Capital.
Electric bill, gas notice...
Listen, these guys don't play around. They'll cut your gas off.
Stop talking shit like that around town, you'll be a laughing stock.
"They'll cut my gas off," seriously?
How could they cut my gas, anyway, huh? What do you think gas is? Rope?
Look here! The working class just got off shift!
I'm warning you sincerely,
I am not in the mood for you,
for your jokes and especially
for your face right now.
I'm exhausted.
Come on, Ginuța, let's dial down this conflict
that's always existed between us.
You think I can't say nice things about you?
Things that would suddenly make you see yourself differently...
Look, I noticed... Give me that picture! Look at you... beautiful!
Leave it, damn it! You're knocking everything over!
Give it here!
Look how beautiful you are in this photo!
- That's you, right? - Yes!
And the one holding you? Who's that?
Fine! Notice! Bill!
Court summons! I'll show up if I have to!
Bill.
Letter from Denmark.
Street works - Sector municipality. We inform you that on the 23rd...
Hold on! What's the letter from Denmark?
I don't know, damn it, what does it say? Den-mark!
Then open it!
What kind of letter from Denmark would you even get?
Here, read it!
- Me? - Yeah.
- Why me? - Because it's written in Denmarkish.
Danish, not Denmark-ish.
Whatever.
And how the hell am I supposed to read it? You think I was born in Stockholm?
Stockholm's in Finland, not Denmark.
Whatever.
- Damn you! - What? Get outta...
It's in Romanian on the other side.
Malone, I've got bad news for you.
Shoot.
Mr. Petrescu passed away.
Which Mr. Petrescu?
Apparently a relative of yours who left Romania 70 years ago.
God rest his soul.
God rest his soul, but you're summoned to a testament reading.
What testament?
The new one? The old one?
Tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.
See, idiot? If I hadn't told you to clean out your mailbox,
you'd have had no idea you might be inheriting something.
It says all your relatives were called there, up to seventh-degree kinship.
Oh my God!
Come with me tomorrow morning, seriously.
Of course I'm not missing that!
To be in a room with all your relatives? Can you imagine the circus?
It'll be a full-blown zoo, for real. Alright, I've gotta go.
Okay, hugs, man!
Robert, if you're leaving, take that trash out as well. It's starting to stink.
Did you hear that? Do it.
I'll pour this coffee on your head. Te lo giuro.
Te lo what?
It's an expression, heard it when I was in Italy.
I'll pick you up at 8 a.m.
- Gogu! 8:00, 8:30. - Sharp.
You weren't in Italy, you were working Italy.
There's a difference.
Screw you! Jokes like that got me kicked out of kindergarten.
Come on, man! Look, she's coming.
- Good morning! - Good morning!
- We have arrived!
It's from some viral TikTok
with an Indonesian girl, it doesn't matter.
Tell me, beautiful and distinguished young lady,
is this where the testament reading takes place?
Are you the deceased's heir?
No, I'm the deceased.
Just kidding. I'm more of a jokester type.
He is the heir.
May God rest his soul and keep him at His right hand.
I mean the deceased, not him.
- Come in. - Tell me, are pets allowed inside?
Yes, of course...
Come on, get in!
- Why don't you carry me? - Move it.
He's very well-behaved, you should know.
Only barks if he's hungry. But I brought some kibble just in case...
Hey, you know what you call a pirate who's had a sex change operation?
No...
Transpired.
Just a joke, you know, to lighten the mood.
Hey, what are you doing...
Hey, stop...
Have you no shame?
Good afternoon!
No need to stand up, we're not in school.
Or in prison.
I'll be brief.
Here's the situation. One way or another, all of you present here this morning
have a family connection more or less distant to Mr. Petrescu,
who recently passed away.
The wish he expressed in his will was that his entire fortune be inherited
by the first member of his extended family in Romania
or one of their descendants
who has completed or is currently pursuing university studies.
If two or more of you reach that status simultaneously,
the estate will be divided equally.
Am I to understand that none of you are currently enrolled in university?
Has anyone here completed university studies?
Alright.
How many of you have passed the Baccalaureate exam?
Oh dear...
I see...
How many of you have completed 12th grade?
- Me! - Good! Bravo!
Me!
Granted, it took him 20 years, but he finished high school.
What's fair is fair.
So I understand it's only him. Yes?
- Bravo! My congratulations! - Thanks!
No, I say give him the Nobel Prize now, so we don't make two trips.
Shut the hell up!
I have a question... and I believe I speak for...
I mean I'm in agreement with...
I mean everyone here wants to ask the question I'm about to ask.
Yes!
What kind of fortune are we talking about?
We are talking about...
approximately nine million euros.
I can't believe this. Bless your family, I swear!
Right now we need to think rationally.
Well... I need to think rationally.
Robert, you realize that this Petrescu guy
is my grandfather's second cousin on my father's side?
Nobody even knew he was alive!
Listen carefully!
This year you absolutely have to pass your Baccalaureate exam.
This year we enroll you in university.
You saw these idiots! One dropped out in 11th grade, one in 10th grade, one in...
They're all going to start school again
and next year those seven million won't be seven million anymore.
What seven million? It's nine million.
Two million goes to taxes.
God dammit!
Dammit no dammit, you still pay taxes.
Ginuța's asking if we can pick her up from the salon.
She's getting her nails done.
We need to talk to a lawyer.
What was the name of that lawyer
who defended me when I had that issue with Narcotics
when they found four packs in my pocket that weren't even mine.
Crazy Sandu planted them on me, damn him and his entire family.
Târșă. His name was Târșă.
Târșă! That's it! How the hell did you remember that?
Because you made a joke.
What joke?
A bad one, obviously.
We were at the courthouse, the judge said, "Please rise,"
and you said, "Nah, that's harsh."
Then you asked her, "Get it?"
What did she say? Did she laugh?
Oh, she laughed alright. Gave you two years. No time served.
Hey Siri, bless your soul! Call Târșă!
Man, tell me, are we picking her up from the nail salon or not?
- Dude, forget the nails! - Tell me, damn it, where the hell...
- I'm talking to the lawyer! - I'm talking to the idiot!
TÂRȘĂ & ASSOCIATES
Listen carefully.
If you pass the Baccalaureate, I'll arrange an entrance exam for you.
Admission to a private university.
The worst one possible. A pathetic little school, no accreditation needed,
because here's the trick.
There's a loophole in the will.
It specifies nothing about the nature of the university studies.
You don't even have to graduate.
You only need to prove that you are enrolled in post-secondary education.
I've already spoken to a friend of mine who owns a private university in Reșița
distance learning, no attendance required.
You have a list of majors there.
Whatever it takes, at any cost, you must pass the Bac exam.
The rest is just a formality.
These days, any idiot can have student status, right?
No offense.
Don't hold back. We're not hiding that from him.
We've never shielded him from it. He knows he's an idiot.
Shut the hell up!
Get outta here! You're as dumb as the polar night.
What does that even mean?
It means you're dumb six months a year.
And the other six months?
The other six months as well.
Yeah.
I recommend a tutoring center.
It's the oldest tutoring center in Bucharest.
It's like an alternative school where students go and, in an organized way,
attend private lessons for various exams.
Here's the phone number and the address. Alright?
Read out the faculties at that miserable university in Reșița.
Let's see where I'll be a student, bless your heart.
Didn't you hear? It doesn't matter at all.
What matters is that you enroll, that's it.
Baby, if I'm doing a degree, I'm doing it properly. Read it out.
International
Relations,
Medicine,
Literature,
Law,
Philosophy.
Philosophy it is.
The gentlemen for 4:30 p.m. are here.
Send them in!
- Enjoy your meal! - Thanks!
- Hello. - Hello.
Hi! How are you? Doesn't matter!
What matters is what you'll do from now on!
Want to work for me? Make some money! Listen!
84% percent of the profit is mine! I don't touch the rest!
You do what you want!
Sorry! we come here for something specific? Let's not keep the lady...
It's not a pyramid scheme, I'll explain later!
- Sit down. - Sorry.
No problem!
Congratulations! How far along are you?
Thank you, six months.
And when are you due?
Are you an idiot? She just said she's six months pregnant
and your next question is when she's due.
In three months! Isn't obvious?
Yo, genius! I'll have you know there's this beggar girl
at Big Berceni market who's been pregnant for 4 years
and still hasn't given birth.
I believe introductions are unnecessary. This is the specimen.
Ma'am, I'd like to state from the beginning that it is
extremely important for us that this cretin, this moron, this...
I was about to say monkey, but I don't want to insult a species
from which we technically descend...
to pass the Baccalaureate exam,
which takes place one month from now, starting in...
He's exaggerating. All I need is to focus a little and it's as good as passed.
"As good as passed"... "focus a little"...
Remember when you were little and your parents put the TV on the stove
so the news anchors wouldn't be cold? Tone it down.
What are you growling for? You hungry? Stop barking, I don't have food!
- Let people know who you are. - Stop it!
Ever since you entered, you're puffing out your chest...
- Please! - One second, ma'am!
- Easy! - Easy!
- No, I'll tell you easy! - Enough!
- Put that bicep down! - Fine!
Good... Tell me, have you taken this exam before?
- Twice! - Twice.
So technically, he's an expert at taking it.
Passing it is where we have an issue.
I see. High school... did you major in Science or Humanities?
Science track, ma'am. I'm more of an analytical type.
Yes, very analytical. Ma'am, his logic is unbeatable.
Wouldn't you like to ask him a few preliminary questions,
just to assess his overall level?
Let me ask you something. Have you heard of the Mariana Trench?
Mariana... of course, obviously.
You've heard of it, yes?
That trench is a mountain peak compared to his level.
- I think you're exaggerating. - Let's find out.
Alright. Let's test the basics.
The basics.
Something simple.
- Very simple. - Very simple.
Given an integral of X, defined between 0 and 1, which can be...
Hello? Where are you going, ma'am?
I don't understand. Where...
If you start with integrals, you've destroyed him.
Give something simpler. Common sense level.
How simple, sir?
I don't want to insult him.
Excuse me?
I don't want to insult the gentleman.
Oh please, insult him. He's used to it. That's why we're here, right?
Go ahead, ma'am, go ahead!
What do you get if you subtract 9 from 15?
Trick question.
Sorry? Why?
Because 15 doesn't contain 9. It contains 1 and 5.
For God's sake! I told you I'm a Science major?
Ta-da!
Indeed, this seems like an extreme case.
I suggest we don't waste any more time and go straight to the bread and butter of it.
It's just an expression.
How do you... The bread is here, you're way over there...
She used a metaphor. Just a figure of speech.
Pardon, ma'am.
Let's go back a bit to the different forms of the plural.
You!
Please come here next to me?
Watch out!
What is this?
A picture.
Alright, yes, a picture... but what's in the picture?
A shirt.
And what is this shirt called?
How should I know, ma'am? Was I there for its christening?
Come on, you should know this. You're Romanian. This is a...
This is.
This is... a...
Read it!
A... IE...
An "ie"!
Now let's move to the plural form.
One "ie", two...
Three, four, five, six, seven...
What are you doing, child? Counting?
You started...
- The capital of North Macedonia! - Skopje!
- Bravo! Capital of Ireland! - Dublin!
- Bravo! Capital of Latvia! - Riga!
- Bravo! Capital of Bolivia! - La Paz!
- Bravo! Capital of Morocco! - Bravo!
Look how many countries he knows, damn!
Let's see how we solve this equation.
You don't know either, do you?
Who accomplished the Little Union of the Romanians?
Romanians.
How many continents are there?
- Many. - Then name them.
All of them?
List the continents.
Look what we're doing right now...
Fine...
Pepper, oregano, turmeric, paprika, thyme, basil.
What is the poem "Riga Cripto and Lapona Enigel" about?
I don't know about crypto, but I know a bit about Bitcoin if you want.
Decebal ran Dacia between 87 and 106 AD.
Now tell me about Dacia.
What should I say?
What you know.
Owned by Renault. Multiple models... Logan, Bigster, Hipster, Sandero...
We're talking about Dacia the state, not the car.
Well, she said "ran Dacia."
Ran Dacia the state, not the car.
Well, she misled me. Education is trash in this country.
I'm sorry, but I can't work with these people anymore.
A red.
Tell me about Dacia Literară.
Dacia again? You're all obsessed, I swear.
It's impossible not to have a minimum of knowledge, a minimum of culture.
You're a human being, not a chimpanzee.
Are you sure? Show him a banana.
Please forgive him, professor.
He's very intelligent, but he takes some pills that...
What pills?
Dicarbocalm.
Dicarbocalm does not have such side effects.
- Oh really? - Really.
Then he's just an idiot.
Shall we continue?
Be my guest.
The beheading of Michael the Brave.
Oh no, you got me there... that happened to me too.
What happened?
I didn't pay and my cable was dead.
They cut Michael the Brave's head, and he was dead!
Really? Lord have mercy!
People are savage, I swear. It's not like in the old days!
Young man...
You are by far the most idiotic student I have ever had!
- Tell me something about the novel Ion. - The Romanian Ion?
- Give me an example of a mountain peak. - Poo Poo.
The novel! Not the Romanian! The novel!
So we're back to Dacians and Romans.
Why do we have to worry about people who died a hundred years ago?
I don't understand!
Three weeks until the exam!
Why did they quit?
Not only did they quit, but they gave us the money back!
That has never happened in the history of this tutoring center.
Do you realize how unbelievably stupid you are?
So what do we do now?
I don't know what you're doing. I'm going to sleep.
I am not willing to give up so easily.
I've already imagined all the things I'll do
when we receive seven million euros.
We'll figure it out.
I've stared at that wish board every day.
I'm almost convinced
that in the end you'll pass that exam
and we'll get our hands on the money.
The power of the mind. It never fails.
The power of the mind fails when it meets the darkness of the mind.
Oh, my life, good life, this life...
Good day!
Good day, ma'am!
- Izvorul Rece Cemetery, right? - Exactly.
- I'm leaving you there, right? - Excuse me?
Nothing.
Want me to put on some music?
Yes.
I'd like that too, but my speakers are broken.
Enjoy your snack, may no evil eye fall upon you.
Would you like some? Here.
I won't refuse... I've always loved corn puffs.
Bless you and your family!
- What's she doing there? - Tweezing her eyebrows.
Robert, now that this happened, are you two getting back together?
Everyone knows that when you hit someone on a crosswalk,
it's a very effective social lubricant.
- What are you talking about? - What?
- What are you talking about? - Maybe you'll reconcile.
Guys... I'll leave you. I'm going to study.
Study what?
Mr. Petrescu died in Denmark, which is...
Not the right moment.
Long story.
- Love you guys. - Love you too.
At least this way I'll touch a book again.
Robi!
What's happening?
Hernia.
Excuse me, ma'am, how much is the walnut cake?
68 lei.
- 68 lei? - Yes.
And without walnuts, roughly how much?
Please excuse us, we're going to secure funding through
the "First Cake" government program and we'll be back.
Did you forget I'm a vegetarian, love?
Here, look: vegetarian chicken.
That's not chicken for vegetarians. That's vegetarian chicken.
Meaning the chicken is vegetarian.
Who's vegetarian?
The chicken.
Which chicken?
This one.
What do you mean vegetarian?
The chicken is vegetarian. It's never been fed meat.
What, was it an eagle chick and someone told it,
"As of today, no more meat for eagles"? Come on, let's just eat drumsticks.
- So what am I supposed to eat? - Avocado with garlic sauce.
May Father Arsenie bless you in his great mercy,
I'd need some information regarding this cornmeal priced at 2.64 lei.
- Yes? - Sorry, how much does it cost?
Just joking. Let's go, my love.
Ah! I have to push you. She's in a wheelchair, poor thing.
We had a big problem.
How irresponsible can you be to sell an apartment
so that this plan, which, forgive me, is science fiction, might work?
I think the universe would need a massive alignment
for you to succeed.
God won't help me? Daniela, I'm all up in Saint Mina prayers.
You think I'm playing around?
I'm telling you, I don't think that actor will agree to something like this.
Come on, these actors are starving. Throw them a scrap and they'll jump on it.
Plus, it's a nice acting exercise for him. Trust me, I know how to talk to him.
I don't understand why we're taking the metro.
I told you, traffic's a bitch at this hour and there's no parking spaces.
Robert!
What?
Isn't that Mateuț?
Which one, the guy who was at Dinamo?
Not that one?
Which Mateuț?
- The one who smacks you in the groinuț! - Get the hell out of here, you idiot!
1-1. That's for the Chițac joke.
Come on, that's just a joke.
For the Chițac one. Are we just pulling each other's chain now?
You know it.
You know, ever since I embraced the field of philosophy...
You embraced what?
Philosophy, man.
Since I'll be attending the Faculty of Philosophy after I pass the Bac exam.
Anyway.
Ever since I became a philosopher, I all the time constantly...
get quotes in my head.
Not quotes from other philosophers.
Quotes from my own head.
- Go on. - For example, today...
I was showering. Splash...
Bam! A quote.
A philosophically original idea of mine.
Go on.
It's one thing to think, quite another to think of.
What the hell does that mean?
How the hell should I know?
My job as a philosopher is to come up with philosophical ideas.
Other people explain them.
- Critics, commentators... - Psychiatrists.
Yeah, hilarious. So funny.
Please, could you put your feet down?
Leave me a second!
I'm trying to get both my feet and the stage in the frame
it's great for Instagram!
Got it.
Kisses to my little bunnies on TikTok.
What am I doing?
I came here to the theatre,
to see a play that hasn't even been shown in America.
I'm here with all the crazies! My wife, madman Robert. Look at him!
Do one of your little bits.
Come on, that's enough! Don't drag me into your videos.
His little bits, super funny!
You know who's really funny?
Nițoiu, the King of Romania, who,
God helps us, might agree to a fun little match
with us tonight.
Be there for your brother,
tap-tap-tap like you do.
Don't leave me hanging, alright? Kiss, love!
Alright, shut off the phone.
Relax, I'm not filming anymore.
No, put it on silent.
Why?
So you don't disturb the actors during the performance.
You think I'm stupid?
I've never considered that possibility, but why do you ask?
You think I'm crazy enough to call actors while they're on stage?
Hey, that guy over there... isn't that Mr. Turcu?
Calm down, baby boy!
I'm not riding that dumb joke anymore.
Let Bianca rot in prison with her kids, I swear.
You think I'm still falling for your traps?
I ask you which Mr. Turcu,
you make one of your little bits, to get back at me
because I got back at you for the Mateuț one, which was for Chițac.
Get outta here!
Hey, give me 50 lei to buy some water. Who knows how long this show lasts?
How much water are you planning to drink for 50 lei?
Let Bianca rot in prison with her kids, I swear.
Fifty lei! What am I, a 50-lei factory?
Hey, isn't that Andrei?
Enough already! How long are you going to drag this out?
Once, twice, fine, but it's over.
Malone's not stupid anymore.
Oh man, you missed it.
I was going to say: Andrei, your bro with 50 lei.
But suit yourself.
Robert!
What?
Ask me again.
Ask you what?
Isn't that Andrei?
- Isn't that Andrei? - Which Andrei?
- The one who takes your 50 lei! - Get the hell outta here!
Quiet! That's it! The gong is out.
- What? - Are you deaf? The gong.
First of all, which Gogu? And second of all, who took him out?
That's how theatre works.
When the show starts, the gong sounds out. When it ends, the curtain falls.
Why? Didn't they secure it properly?
Not you!
Hey!
I've been to the theatre before, but back in my day,
it was puppets, not people.
I think they recently upgraded to humans.
It's fine like this too.
- Thank you! Thank you very much! - My pleasure! Good evening!
It's cool, being an influencer... pictures, all that...
Yeah.
I don't know... It feels way too risky.
Let's not say risky. Let's say thrilling.
- Plus, you make some money. - Some money, right. It seems very little.
What do you mean little? 5,000 euros is little?
10,000 and we shake on it.
Right now, I've got expenses you don't even want to know about.
I need to bring in a prosthetics team from America.
Plane tickets, accommodation, per diem. I had to buy latex, buy...
I can't go above 8,000 euros.
8,500.
When I portray a character,
I have to think exactly like that character thinks.
Excuse me, what happens if this character, God forgive me,
doesn't think at all?
My love...
Will you stop, for once?
Robi, I'm seriously asking! Can you restrain yourself? Can you?
Are you sick? Tell me if you're sick. Just so I know!
We're already in a...
...crisis.
- I was just joking... - Because of you!
You're the one who proposed this entire plan.
So please, can you stop?
- At least for a few days. - The man is here.
Go ahead, brother.
Alright. In the coming days
I want us to spend as much time together as possible
so I can observe you from every angle.
- How you move. - Yes.
- How you speak. - Yes.
- How you turn your head. - Yes.
- How you breathe... - Yes.
But before we begin this process,
I need to create a sort of character profile,
mentally speaking.
And for that,
I want to ask you a few questions
so I can understand you better.
Sure, man. Go ahead.
If a movie were made about your life,
who would you want to play you?
I'll answer without blinking. Dorian Popa.
Why?
I just like the guy.
He's slick. Works his body well.
Alright.
But let's pick an actor.
Okay?
So, if a movie were made about your life, which actor, I emphasize, actor,
would you want to play you?
That one... Mateu Makokonakaki.
Who?
That one, man!
Matthew McConaughey.
- That's the one, my brother! - Alright.
Why him?
He kind of looks like me. Those perfect features, you know?
Okay.
Good.
If a book were written about your life, what would the title be?
Memoirs from Trashville.
Forest of the Retards.
The Most Fried of All Mortals.
There's more.
- Come on, one more. - Master Builder Malone.
Maybe he'll brick her up...
You done?
That's just spite. Born from frustration.
Sure it is. Listen to Romania's stew mistress talking.
I'd like to mention something that might be very important,
regarding your energy as an actor when portraying him.
He is very well endowed.
As a man. If you understand.
Which, I tell you sincerely,
may frustrate some people,
bring out all that smallness within them.
Because here's the bad news:
for a man, size does matter.
Hey, Ginuța?
I've got bad news too.
Oh? What bad news?
Width matters too.
Why are you sad, man?
Bless your family!
Malone!
Yeah, brother!
Unbelievable!
Wait! I know how we'll figure it out!
- Love? - Yes, Ginuța?
What do I say when we're doing lovey-dovey right before I climax?
You say "mommy, oh mother," then you roll your eyes back as possessed.
Yo, how does he know that?!
Looks like you had a bad trip, huh?
Extraordinary!
I still can't believe this plan almost worked.
It almost worked because it came from my' head.
And my head is genius.
Alright, brother: final test.
With God and the Holy Mother on our side, in a few hours we're millionaires.
Come on, Brumaru!
Smooth, Brumaru!
And handsome!
God help us.
We worked for this.
Ionuț?!
What are you doing here?
Good morning, ma'am. She's my form teacher.
Never mind that! Aren't you taking the Bac exam for the third time?
It's started already! What are you doing out here?
I saw you at the other exams, come on!
If you go in alone now, they won't let you take it!
I'm serious.
- Please, no! - Come on!
Bless your family!
- Come on! - Ma'am!
Young man, you are completely irresponsible.
The exam started five minutes ago and you're outside.
Wait, ma'am! I don't need to go in.
What do you mean you don't need to go in?!
Ma'am, on my word.
I swear on whatever you want.
I'm already inside.
I'm already taking the exam.
What do you mean you're already inside?
Stop with this nonsense!
Good morning! Sorry to disturb you.
I have a former student who,
due to unfortunate circumstances, arrived late.
Could you please allow him to take the exam?
Normally it's not permitted, but fine. What's the student's name?
His name is...
What did he say? I don't understand English... I'm a biology teacher.
He asked whether you've ever had hallucinations before.
Oh... no.
It's done! I'm a millionaire! I mean, I passed!
You kids should do the same! Study!
Today fate was decided.
Today we found out who's a lion and who's a cat.
Haters, wave your arms and legs, I'll track you down to emergency beds!
I passed the exam! 9.46!
You're winning a Pulitzer, for sure.
Watch your language, Robert, we're in an educational institution.
Come on, what did you get?
I failed.
That's life, brother. Look at him crying. It happens.
I've known this guy since...
He was in ninth grade when I first entered twelfth.
It's not that he didn't study. His brain just doesn't help him.
Rock on!
You better lock your wives inside!
I passed the exam!
I didn't know it felt like this, Robert!
God!
Hey.
I spoke to the lawyer.
Tomorrow morning at 10:30 a.m., the money hits your account.
Seven million euro.
For me, the important thing is not to lose my head.
Do you know what money can do to people?
I don't know what money can do to people...
but I can't wait to find out.
Good evening.
Could you please tell me what exactly is happening here?
I don't understand. What's the problem?
That's what I'm asking. what's the problem?
Hey, Dorian?
You wanna grab a beer with us?
Good afternoon!
May God grant you health, and the Holy Mother back Him up
- when things get... - Tough!
Yes! That's the attitude I like. We'd like to have a little spritzer.
Do you have a better wine?
We have something from the Mitroi wineries.
I know them. Very good. You know what rhymes with Mitroi?
You know! You're just pretending you don't.
Something to eat?
What's the chef's specialty?
Pineapple pizza.
Pineapple pizza? That's the specialty?
Yes.
But... he hates people or...
Oh, I love pineapple pizza! I'd like one!
I'll have fish and chips.
Two mains?
And I'd also like a portion of quattro formaggi.
But hold the formaggi, please.
I'm kidding, why are you so serious? What's wrong with you?
He was joking.
No. Bring me a tuna salad.
- I want... - And for food...
I'd like some ribs, a medium ribeye,
and three portions of...
actually two portions of fries.
Is the meat pie good?
Yes.
You guys want to split a meat pie?
No.
Then... bring it anyway. We'll eat it.
And bring a pizza quattro stagioni for my pants ceremony!
I swear to God!
- You're super hilarious, seriously. - Thanks.
And I'd also like some pancakes.
Okay. I'm not that hungry either. I'll follow my girlfriend's lead.
I'll have pancakes too.
- Flambés? - No, jam.
- Strawberry, sour cherry, plum? - That's right, my brother.
Sour cherry.
You know the sour cherries joke? Too sour for desert. Settle up at the end.
Feels like we're breathing a completely different air
now that we know we've got seven million euros.
True!
Thirty-five million.
Sorry.
What 35 million?
We're going to have 35 million.
- Look me in the eyes... - Swear to me, you didn't...
Look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what you did.
So last night I was on Facebook, you know, scrolling like we all do.
And at some point I saw this post that made me cry
like I hadn't since I was twelve, when my hamster Tișa died.
Poor thing... she was old, but still...
Long story short... Never mind!! What did you do?
Yeah. So I saw this post and I cried hard.
It was in this group that had he most beautiful name. "My Dearest Romanian"
Even the profile picture was amazing.
A baby in tricolor diapers held by the Virgin Mary.
And there was this post.
A girl on a field, crying,
because she'd built a little house out of potatoes and nobody congratulated her.
And you congratulated her?
Listen to this guy! Of course I did!
And then?
I left her a comment:
"I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart, you angel heart."
I even added one of those big fancy heart emojis.
Bang. Someone replies to my comment.
A woman with a French-sounding name.
She tells me God has chosen me...
and sends me a link.
I clicked the link.
It asked for my email.
I entered my email.
Five minutes later,
an Arab prince replies.
Listen to what he says.
He inherited a gold mine from his ancestors.
His God appeared to him in a dream and told him
to be filled with divine spirit and choose ten random people
from around the world to bless with a great fortune.
- And you're one of the ten people? - I'm 9th! Just barely made it!
And listen to this! We started chatting.
He says I should send him 10,000 euros. Transfer it from my account to his.
That's the money he needs to mine the gold.
Materials, labor, workers, you know.
And at the end, after he finishes mining,
I'll receive gold worth 50,000 euros.
Five times more.
And you know me: educated guy, all that.
But I couldn't help myself.
I asked him:
"If I send a larger amount, does it still multiply by five?"
And what did he say?
You won't believe it. He said yes immediately.
Please!
Tell me you didn't transfer seven million euros to that account.
No.
6,995,000.
Why?
I didn't want to seem desperate.
So I went to the bank, made the transfer, done deal.
I don't understand why everyone's freaking out.
Prince Mohamed Abdullah told me clearly by email
I'll receive the gold on September 10th.
That's two and a half months away.
Is it September 10th already? Has the gold not arrived?
If you don't shut up this second,
I swear on my grandfather's grave
I'll stomp you in front of everyone here.
Hold on! What grave? Didn't you say he was cremated?
Would you mind if I call in a few colleagues
and you tell them everything that happened?
Let them come! Call the Army in too!
We don't mind at all. We just ask that we solve the problem, if possible.
When I saw that girl sad in that field, crying
because nobody congratulated her... what was I supposed to do?
What was I supposed to do?
- What was I supposed to do? - Stop! I can't anymore.
I don't want to overstep,
but I'm telling you sincerely:
if you're looking to laugh, go to a stand-up show.
There's no stand-up show that can top this.
Thank you.
Ma'am, we'll take over the case.
But please, don't get your hopes up.
There's something I didn't understand exactly.
Oh no.
What did Prince Abdullah say when you asked
if a larger sum would also multiply by five?
He was very kind. He said, "Yes, of course."
Right.
So you go live,
tell the whole story from the beginning.
Got it.
At the end we'll say a few words too, address the authorities.
This can't happen in a civilized country.
Where do we live? In the jungle?
Exactly.
Are you serious right now? How long have I had this on?
Come on, let it go.
This isn't a joke!
Not even locker-room funny! Not even! Not funny!
Get in already!
Is this a joke?
Kisses to my TikTok bunnies!
We're live now...
TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, all social platforms.
Kiss you, Ioana, girl of my dreams! I'm good.
But I won't kiss you anymore, my wife's here.
So here's the deal.
We gathered here live to give you proper info.
I had a little thing happen.
Well, not really...
I'm still a champion. They say it happened.
Come on already, you idiot!
Gheorghe, where'd you leave the horse and cart?
Wait for people to join, man!
Share it, brothers! National share!
Strong share! Let this reach the President of Romania!
Kiss you, Adițu! Thank you!
Kiss you, Alexandra Demiu! Thank you from my heart!
Good evening! Welcome, everyone!
Tap the screen! Everyone on the screen!
Tap-tap-tap!
Let's go!
Tap-tap-tap!
There's no way this is real! I'm living in a simulation!
You're not from here! Let me talk! Shut up!
May God grant you health,
and the Holy Mother back Him up when things get tough.
We've suffered a misfortune.
Let me handle it. I have more camera experience.
I know how to speak with sincerity.
People can tell I'm not fake.
I understand you have a bit more experience,
but you can't strip on TikTok, they'll shut down the live stream!
Hey!
Can we focus?
I forgot how stupid you are.
Let's avoid insults on live stream,
that's why they say TikTok's a cesspit.
Hugs, Adrian. My bet didn't hit. Napoli knocked me out.
I'll kill him! Say it already! I'm dying here!
My blood pressure's 18 over 10!
Say it!
Calm down, brother!
Don't tell me when to get mad and when not to!
Fine, get mad! What do I care?
Let Bianca rot in prison, I swear!
Say it faster!
Okay, calm down. He's having a panic attack.
Look at me. Breathe deep. Inhale. Exhale. Good.
Inhale. Exhale. Now speak.
- Enough breathing. - I was getting fainty.
Story time!
- Hello, my Facebook brothers. - I missed you.
- Look at that guy... - Wait!
Red isn't...
I'm telling you sincerely...
Wait, I know you!
- I'm telling you sincerely. - I'm not fake.
Can we make a story together?
Of course!
Send me into the forest with wolves,
and I'll return as the leader of the pack!
And with some money!
Thank you!
Hi! Sorry! Can I take a picture with you?
Can you frown like you did earlier?
More.
Yes, perfect.
Thanks!
Bye!
No way.
That's Robică!
Robică, is that you?!
Are you crazy? It's him.
May God grant you health,
and the Holy Mother back Him up when things get...
...tough.
Good one!
What's that idiot Malone doing? Still on legal highs?
Now I know who you are.
Can I take a picture with you?
Actually, even better... a video.
Can you do that one with... Lady Bălașa?
Which one?
Oh! On my Lady Bălașa...
...on social media. Kisses...
Listen.
Bring me those idiots that lost seven million euros.
None of "let me see how I can find them." You bring them today. Now.
Understood or misunderstood?
Go with Vali and find them.
You're trending now.
You're the viral shit. You're the TikTok spot.
You're the parody everywhere.
You're the cream inside the donut.
Understood or misunderstood?
Yes.
All you have to do is monetize.
And here, I'm the key.
I've got the levers everywhere.
Radio, TV, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, everywhere.
You'll cash in.
Did you watch Love Island?
That Marcel guy with his "Hola, mami! Que guapa!"
He went viral.
"Hola, mami! Que guapa!" Marcel up, Marcel down,
you'd open your fridge and Marcel would be inside.
What did the idiot do?
He started cashing in.
TV shows, appearances, ads, until it fizzled out.
Marcel is dead. Long live Marcel.
You are Marcel now.
Understood or misunderstood?
Hola, mami! Que guapa!
Let Bianca rot in prison with her kids, I swear.
And the other one with "ciulo ciulo, miau miau,"
that's yours...
"May God grant you health," that's my classic line.
So what do you suggest?
Bravo, good you asked.
I'll put you...
in podcasts, ads, radio, TV...
everywhere money can be made.
From everything earned, you get 10%.
Understood or misunderstood?
How much did he say?
Pretending you didn't hear, sweetheart?
Ten percent?
So you didn't understand.
Want me to draw it?
It's our image. At least 50%!
You think I called you here to negotiate?
No deal under 50%.
Let's go!
- Wait, I haven't had anything to drink! - Come on!
Easy, we'll go ourselves...
Hey...
I'm afraid he'll blacklist us everywhere.
Let's take the 10%, and maybe later renegotiate.
God... 10%...
We talked it over.
We'll go with the 10%.
Ten percent was when I offered.
Now it's 5%.
Let Bianca rot in prison, I swear.
What did I ever do to you?
What do you think, guys?
The whole country knew these idiots a month and a half ago,
when they went super-mega-extra-viral
after losing seven million euros in a monumentally stupid way.
They were so famous, you couldn't escape them.
Left, right... nauseatingly everywhere.
And guess what?
Today we found out their manager was none other than Codin Maticiuc.
Bravo! And these geniuses, with their Arab prince,
blew everything they earned in a month and a half.
Nothing left. Nothing.
See you.
And some smart guys... they watch matches in real time.
We, here in Romania, see it six seconds later.
You keep it in your ear.
Six seconds later? We see it here too.
Yeah, but the guy says in your earpiece, "Corner Empoli."
And you place the bet fast.
See?
Cheers.
Baby, come on. Why are you stopping for these paupers?
Look at his stupid face.
Let's not attack people's looks.
Did you really not understand what I told you the first time?
Marcel is dead. Long live Marcel.
You were Marcel for two months.
The world watches something else. Understood or misunderstood?
Yeah, brother, bless your heart, but we didn't manage to save anything.
And how's that my fault?
Please understand! You took 95% of everything.
I thought I was about to cry, but I just farted.
Hey!
May God repay you according to your soul.
That's all I'll say.
So... is it satellite?
Yes. And the guy says in your ear: "Corner Empoli."
So, are we seeing each other tomorrow?
I...
don't know how to say this.
I kind of feel like I need a break.
I don't want you to be upset, but I feel like I need a break too.
A lot happened.
I'm not saying we'll never see each other again...
Maybe after some time,
we'll call, text on WhatsApp,
maybe even meet.
But right now,
I need to focus on my own stuff.
Okay.
Then...
I won't keep you.
Good night.
- Cheers. - Anyway.
What?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! We are here at the scene.
Tonight, we are trying to determine whether the internet scams
we've been discussing all day, are real.
This evening, all eyes are on these men.
We're trying to uncover who this Arab prince really is,
what exactly is happening,
and whether these gold bars will actually... Look!
I love you! My fans, my little bunnies!
Everything I do, I do for you! I love you!
SOURCES: GOLD TO BE TESTED IN A FEW MOMENTS
Step back!
My God, Folklore Treasury vibes!
Respect!
-We invited you here to... - Hello.
-Welcome. - My woman.
Move aside a bit. There!
Further back!
Hey! What are you doing?
We need one gold bar for testing.
You just shove your hand in like that? I'll give it to you.
BREAKING NEWS ARAB GOLD - MIRACLE OR SCAM?
THE MOMENT OF TRUTH IN THE CASE THAT SHOOK ROMANIA
Twenty-four karat gold.
Yes!
I've got money to pay all my debts!
All the alimony payments!
What the hell...
I've got cash on me! Step forward, let's celebrate! Cash, cash!
Hey! Quick... passports.
What passports?
Come on! Move!
Talk! Where are we going?
Move faster! Hurry!
Stop pushing!
Say something! Now you're just weird!
Say something! Why can't you say anything? This is just weird!
Dorian!
Bless your soul, what!
Are you going to tell us what the hell is happening?
Short version or long version?
Short.
In that envelope are your passports.
Right now, we're heading to an airport in Belgrade,
where a private jet is waiting to take us somewhere
I can't tell you much about.
Only thing I can say...
there's a beach, sun, an ocean,
and a lot of peace and quiet.
Bulgaria?
Those gold bars weren't real.
Well... except one.
I bought that one with the money from my apartment.
I sold it.
The rest were perfect replicas
made by a guy I caught a year ago counterfeiting jewelry
and selling it online.
He got out of prison a month ago, right on time,
on parole.
Sometimes God really does align things.
The toughest moment was when that Treasury guy showed up.
I had to create a diversion to hand him the real gold bar.
That was the most complicated part.
Even though state agencies posted warnings online
telling people not to fall for scams,
millions of people checked their inboxes and Facebook feeds
to see whether they, too,
had received something like Malone.
Through my channels,
I hacked together a link and an email address
almost identical, changed just one letter in each.
I also opened an account in a tax haven under a friend's name.
No details.
In that account,
there are already 380,000 euros.
And the amount grows by roughly 18,000 euros per minute.
No. I can't do this.
How can I enjoy money stolen from innocent people?
Do you remember Raul?
We were close friends.
Then he got into certain circles,
started working with the state,
embezzled massively,
made a fortune,
and started looking down on us, spitting on us?
Yeah.
He's on the list.
Remember when your mom got sick?
We rushed her to the hospital.
That old doctor at Bălașa
wouldn't even look at her.
Asked for a bribe immediately?
Yeah.
He's on the list too.
That butcher downstairs who refused to give us leftover bones
for the dogs?
Yeah.
Forgot to put him on the list.
The remaining names up to 6,000
are people spreading hate online,
targeted by four volunteers I promised 5% to.
Karma.
Who else knew about this?
Bless your heart!
- You too, Daniela? - Exactly, my love.
Then why didn't you tell us?
Because the plan had to work, right?
I SWEAR TO HATE WITH ALL MY HEART
ALL THE ENEMIES OF MOTHERLAND AND OF THE WORKING PEOPLE
Hello?
I don't know if you're still taking cases,
but I've got three little lizards who need handling.
- What 35 million? - We'll have 35 million.
Exactly on my take.
Prostăvaru.
Take out a sheet of paper.
A crutch there.
You are unbelievably stupid.
I receive a...
Listen to what... Sorry...
I inherited...
Sorry.
Come on!
No, I want...
Come on!
Mihai, move to lane one. Nod if you heard me.
I didn't hear of it, hold on, I'll check. What?
We have seven million, not 35 million.
Lord, have mercy.
- I'm talking to the lawyer! - I'm talking to the idiot!
It recorded, I swear!
Rockers!
Stop!
If I hit it, I'll punch a hole through it.
- Here. - Not now.
No way! That's Mi...
Who?
Sorry!
Bill.
Any letter from Denmark?
Forget it. Let's scrap it.
Close-up on Micuțu.
- Let's do another take. - Horror.
Hey...
We have seven million, not 35 million.
Get lost.
You don't even have money for a mineral water.
Go get a job.