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I'm here for my eight o'clock.
- Your first name? - Lenny.
I know, doctor patient romance is forbidden, but
what's the etiquette on patient cute receptionist?
It's frowned upon.
Up the stairs to the right.
I don't know.
Hey, you need a name tag!
My demons are my own.
How long have you been seeing Dr. Hedonia?
I've been seeing the doctor for about a year.
First patient.
For this uh...
program that is.
I just started.
Alright.
Is your incident recent?
- Last fall. - Not even a scar.
Still a wound.
Paroxetine?
Venlafaxine.
You're on that first mountain.
It's not the tallest,
but it's the hardest one to conquer.
Pills are a steady rope and harness,
but being physical, that's some good hiking boots.
Physical?
You know, get into a fight.
Even get your ass kicked.
Maybe even a one night stand.
I, I, I don't wanna fight.
Then you definitely need to.
At least I'm not the last.
That's an interesting name.
I'll take it as a compliment.
Oh, please do.
Dr. Hedonia says to make a new friend each day.
Break the cycle.
Maybe that's why we are here.
To see how each of us does it.
We're here because we're fucked up.
What about you, ginger?
Are you fucked up?
I see we're short a shipmate.
Unfortunately, this is the only room large enough for group.
Let's start with a present centered exercise
and make use of the tardiness.
Has anyone experienced turmoil lately?
Don't look at me, Doc.
Dev?
I've experienced frustration.
What caused the frustration?
I was being ignored.
And what was your core emotion?
Anger.
What was the reason for your anger?
Because I was ignored.
I was at the bar and this guy was ignoring me.
What triggered you?
- I felt marginalized. - Unworthy?
Alone.
I feel alone a lot now.
That's why I went to the bar in the first place.
Good. And what was your action?
I, I smashed a beer bottle over their head.
Okay. An overcompensation for a feeling of inadequacy.
I, I didn't want to hurt him.
He, he, he just, he just wasn't listening.
Close your eyes, Dev.
Take a breath.
Now, imagine a wooden table in front of you.
On this table are four mallets.
Mallets of all different sizes.
On the far right is a massive circus mallet.
One that you would use to swing in an attempt
to hit a ball and win a comedically large prize.
The mallets lay in ascending order. On the left
is a tiny mallet built for a mouse.
Pick each up and feel its weight.
Select the mallet that you chose to solve this situation.
Do you have it in your hand, Dev?
Yes. It feels good.
This mallet is too heavy, but it's not the first time.
Keep the mallet up, Dev.
Remember the smashed bottle over their head.
Repeat this memory in your mind.
The swinging of the bottle, the shattering sound
of the glass and the spilling of the blood.
The swinging of the bottle, the shattering sound
of the glass and the spilling of the blood.
The swinging of the bottle, the shattering sound
of the glass and the spilling of the blood.
The swinging of the bottle, the shattering sound of glass
and the spilling of the blood.
It's heavy.
If it's heavy why did you use such a large mallet?
I was scared.
You were scared. Is it okay to be scared Dev?
It's okay to be scared.
You don't have to carry this weight.
This is not the mallet you should use.
You reacted via past experiences,
not in the present moment in the bar.
That's trauma.
Pick a smaller mallet.
Really feel its weight in your hand.
Isn't it still powerful?
Could you use that mallet to solve problems?
Open your eyes, Dev.
Hmm.
Welcome Oday.
We are all here.
And now that we're here, we can help each other.
You have the right to feel anxious.
Sharing in a group setting isn't easy.
It's vulnerable,
but you'll have to take the leap of trust
with each other just as you learned to trust me
during our one-on-one sessions.
Because you are all bound by the limits
of legal confidentiality.
How are we sleeping? Are we well rested today?
I wouldn't call it sleeping.
A lot of nightmares.
Be vigilant in your sleep plans and goals.
Sleep deprivation is detrimental
to your self care.
Self care is how you regrasp the reins of your minds.
I'm following the plans and sleeping better.
Thank you, Dev.
A few rules before we start.
Rule number one, stay in your seat.
Group therapy can be challenging,
which leads to rule number two.
No touching, be it combative or comforting.
There will be time for that.
Here we use our words to express our emotions.
Rule three, group therapy functions as a family unit,
sharing and listening.
Rule four, do not communicate
outside of group.
The work needs to be done here.
Rule five, anonymity. First names only.
Protecting identities is important,
especially for this group.
Final rule, which you all know, cell phones.
Put them in the basket. And put them on silent.
No interruptions. We are here to work.
It's okay. When you're ready.
What? I don't have a phone.
- Everybody has a phone. - I don't.
Lenny doesn't do well with possessions.
October, do you trust me?
I do.
Oday?
Yes.
If I trust everyone in this room,
can we momentarily extend our faith to each other?
I don't wanna be afraid anymore.
Who wants to share first?
Ginger hadn't said shit since she came in.
Maybe she should go first.
I am not going first.
Trauma is emotional,
but for some it is also physical causing limitation.
I guess that makes me the asshole of the group. Fine.
I'll go first. Where do I start?
Why don't you start with who you were before?
Alright.
I worked in an office.
I was living the American dream, well
pursuing it at least. I wanted to get a
piece of that pie, a house.
It was mine. And no matter what happened,
that was my slice.
That was my dream.
And inside was a vault of all the possessions that defined
who I was.
From the wallpaper to the furniture,
to the paintings.
It was a collection of household erotica
that set me into a state of copacetic bliss.
A bubble of comfort that,
fed a thought, that I could
and did control my world.
I was lie.
I'd always come home at the same time each night.
But that night,
it was the last night
and my heart sank.
As I stood there
and watched my house burn.
The flames overwhelmed everything I ever known.
The sense of loss
and pain that should have spread through every fiber
of my muscles, dissipated like a fog.
into the heat fueled by burning possessions
that scorched my face.
Then beyond the night's breach, the fire
danced in my eyes
and the man was liberated.
Emancipated by the weight of my life.
I saw the crumbling concrete walls
and the false securities I had built.
And to further perplex these taunting thoughts.
I saw a ghostly image drifting through the fire.
He was a haunted mirrored version.
Staring back, defiant.
Screaming without words,
"You are free".
And as he faded away with the dying flames, I began
to know this man
unrealized, living inside me.
I let him stride to the front of my mind
and welcomed him to breathe,
heavy in suspiration.
That's fucking bullshit.
Yeah, it's traumatic, but it's not trauma.
You didn't get burned.
You just lost stuff in an accident.
That's what insurance is for.
An accelerant was used on a timing device to ignite
moments before I got home.
Someone planned that.
They knew my house meant everything to me.
The problem isn't that, I lost my house.
[♪Music Playing ♪÷}
Or that someone had an unknown vendetta against me.
I watched my house burn
and I began to love the fire, the destruction.
- That's fucked - Oday.
Well, he's right Doctor.
It's a fine initial reaction,
but I'll ask you to elaborate, Oday.
Don't stop.
Tell Lenny what you really think.
[♪Music Playing ♪÷}
Well listen, you embraced it. That's fucked.
But better land on a new side than
to be a forever rolling die.
I'll watch anything, burn.
Accidents happen.
People been hurt because of my addiction.
So I fight it.
It is every day, every hour.
I get that struggle.
Your secret's safe with me.
Your secret's safe with me. That's a bond.
Let's use October's words as a group affirmation.
A little lame I know, but it builds trust.
1, 2, 3.
Your secret's safe with me.
Group therapy only works if everyone stays engaged.
Your secret's safe with me.
You should share next.
Doc, I can go. I...I don't mind.
It's important that we confront the doubt
within the group as we move forward.
Lenny, do you trust her?
Not yet.
She going to type her whole fucking story out?
Would you care to share the note with the group, October?
It says, "Fuck off twat".
I am always going to support laughter in our group,
but outward aggression is directing away from your pain.
In the future,
let's stay with the emotion and explore it together.
The story I want to share is not my own.
My account isn't as important.
His story, his pain, that's
where I find strength.
His story, his pain.
That's where I find strength.
There in the damp, in the cold,
as his blood dries
another day of beating,
mixed with the
putrid smells of the underground.
His spirit broken.
She came again
and again
to each unknown
passing day outside, to break him
once more.
It was her pleasure.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
Please.
Please. Please.
Please.
No more, no more.
Please.
Pain is pleasure.
Emotionally and physically.
Do you hate me?
I just want it to stop.
My family died in a fire.
I hear the screaming.
I was cooked alive.
Third degree burns head to toe,
third degree burns beyond pain.
Then nothing.
Severe nerve damage, complete loss
of skin sensitivity,
complete loss of skin.
The psychologists argue
I put up a mental block on all my senses. I disagree.
I can't feel anymore.
First I must feel.
Then I'll set you free.
To feel is to be human.
Help me feel. Help me be.
Oh yes, I taste it. The anticipation of my strike.
Stings your nerves and contract your muscles.
Exactly what I needed.
Ah, but I don't wanna be selfish.
Let me give you pleasure too.
Stop. I'm married.
She's not gonna find out.
I always dispose of the bodies properly.
Oh, here we go.
I knew you'd enjoy it.
I'll tell you what, if you don't cum, I won't kill
your wife.
Just kidding. I already killed her.
Her torment was euphoria.
She screamed out for you.
Until I cut out her tongue.
That silenced the little ginger bitch.
I don't believe you.
You don't believe me.
I don't believe you.
I cut it out.
That little tattoo on her right hip.
Look at it Charles. So cute.
Wish I had soft skin for a tattoo.
Oops.
I'm sorry Claire.
My skin is crawling.
Thank you. My sweet pet.
The pleasure will endure.
Cut me again.
To feel is to be human.
No, not fair.
You know, I had this calico cat
named Ghost as a child.
She was a present from my parents when I was 10.
I think they wanted to teach me responsibility.
Ghost like to hide and wait for the perfect moment
to jump out and scare me.
And then I'd playfully chase her back.
I loved that cat.
And then when I was 17, I got this beater car,
so excited
and backing it out of the driveway for the first time
I ran over ghost.
I could feel her squish under the tire.
Her little bones crunch.
She let out this screeching meow.
It stung my heart.
And I knew right away what I've done.
I, I dashed to my pet.
She'd been hiding.
And breathing her last breaths I could sense
she wanted to tell me something thing.
So I leaned in.
Her majestic eyes stared back.
Do you want to know what the eyes of my
beloved childhood cat told me?
Tell me my sweet pet.
"Go fuck yourself!
You ran over me with a car!"
You win.
My husband's dying words were
fuck you in your mouth.
He gave me, he gave me
the courage to escape her.
But every minute awake
and asleep, I dream
of killing her.
Not for vengeance, though.
I fear she'll find me again and
place me back in the dark.
Why didn't you kill her when you escaped?
There was a type of guard,
someone like us converted into
one of her obedient
lit, little pets.
Had to go through him to escape.
I waited for her.
She never came back.
I heard about that last year? Yeah.
The police found all those chained up gimps!
I wouldn't have been able
to face her then.
I would've been
crippled in terror.
She still has a power over me. I know that.
I'm just, I'm ready
to take it back.
Your secrets are
safe with me.
Dev, I think you reserve the right
to share next.
My incident happened
because I had a friend who cried out for help,
but I wasn't listening.
It wasn't her first attempt.
I...I didn't hear her until she was screaming.
We tried to make up for it,
but ended up in a horrible place.
At the wrong time.
I can't remember the last time it was just
the three of us.
It's like old times.
I'm just happy you dumped Chelsea.
Usually the fourth wheel's a good thing.
But she was a flat tire.
- She wasn't that bad dude. - She was pretty bad.
- Chelsea was fun. - She lost your dog.
And she blamed it on Dev.
Is that true?
Yeah.
Okay. In that case, Chelsea sucked.
But she was hot. And you said she was hot.
So that kind of balances her out a little bit.
For you.
For us she was just a bitch.
You can do better Lane.
Thank you Pam.
I, I need to hydrate. - What now princess?
Of course, you brought sparkling water.
I didn't realize this excursion was timed.
Thought we were on a hike. Not a frolic.
I have weak ankles.
Should have brought milk.
I don't like the viscosity of milk.
Plus milk outs...
I should have come by myself!
Fuck.
You guys hear that? Is it an animal?
We're in the woods. Nature tends to have animals.
Could be a squirrel, deer, hare, fox...
Could you shut up for a minute?
- Is that music? - I hear something too.
Definitely music. Maybe.
Sounds classical.
Sounds like it.
Maybe they can join your band Lane.
Not in a band, dick!
You know, Mint broke up in seventh grade.
I don't like to talk about it.
And you still haven't joined a new one?
Eat a dick. Both of you.
It's coming from over there.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no. We're not going over there.
Let's stick to the path.
I agree with the pea brain.
This is a chance for an adventure.
Looks like a chance for ticks.
I need this.
I know why you guys agreed to come up here.
You both hate hiking.
No we don't.
You're gonna pity me, then I'm gonna use it.
Did you really just play the guilt trip card
on your best friend?
Not very subtle.
And you are a distant second BFF.
Bullshit.
Consider my card played.
Noted. But you're bear food first princess.
How chivalrous!
Shit!
Instant karma.
I don't think you comprehend that concept completely.
God, what is in your bag? No wonder your slow.
Just the essentials.
It's a five hour hike. Round trip.
You never know. I got snacks.
Wow.
- It's a violin. - Hillbillies.
Hillbillies play the banjo and live in West Virginia.
Mountainbillies?
There's a stone house up there.
Shit.
Hey, we heard your music.
Is that an original piece?
I...I don't think he heard you.
I think he's deaf.
That was beautiful.
What's your name?
Fuck! Sorry man.
Lane.
Yo, back the fuck up, dude.
Lane.
Dev! Dev!
Stop!
Let go!
Don't touch me!
Stop please!
Let me go.
We're running in the wrong direction.
I don't care.
We're going to get lost if we aren't already.
He cut his throat open Pam! Pam, why?
Why'd he do that? Why?
I know.
Lane's dead.
I know, but if we don't go back
and find a path, we are going to die in these woods.
I can't. I can't.
You wanna be alone in these woods with that man at night?
I get it.
Okay.
And then we go back together.
Lane brought a knife. We protect each other.
Remember, if he comes at us, we take him together.
Something happened.
Don't think...
I've been a bad friend. I wasn't there for you.
I'm so sorry. You have to do that to get our attention.
I, I should have, I should have.
Listen. Listen.
I should have.
I don't wanna die anymore.
Okay?
He's really dead.
Watch. I'll grab the knife.
Okay. Okay.
Lane.
Have you got the knife yet?
Fuck.
Hurry.
Got it.
I should have been nicer.
Come on.
I should have been nicer.
Focus Dev.
Look the path!
Wake up.
Dev, wake up!
Wake up.
Dev.
Please, I don't wanna die.
Why are you doing this?
Dev.
Dev go!
Agh!
Dev.
Dev, don't leave me.
Dev, please.
Don't leave.
Dev, you're my best friend.
Please Dev!
I'm sorry Pam. I'm sorry.
No Dev.
I'm sorry Pam. I'm sorry.
Please no!
I'm sorry!
Certain music I can't listen to.
It's why I have these.
I have a seizure or worse.
Enter into a fugue state and blackout.
Last time I came to, I was
running down the middle of the street.
No shoes. Never found them.
Don't know why they were missing.
That was four miles from home.
Always four miles from home.
And the few times
I hear the bow hit the strings
and then I hurt someone
that doesn't deserve it.
And I realize what I've done
of course I run.
Fight or flight, flight that's me.
A candy ass who left his friends to die!
Dr. Hedonia found me when I was on 51-50 watch.
That's why I'm here.
There are several ways to snap.
No shame in one over another.
Hell, you're not a pyro and at least you got your tongue.
The worst part,
the police never recovered their bodies
or found any substantial evidence.
He's still out there.
Did the violinist ever speak?
As you see, it's not just
deep trauma that you all share.
It's uncertainty and lack of closure.
You are not alone.
This next part
and feeling is no different than an A.A. meeting.
Yeah.
Well, I really could use a drink
after Forrest Gump and the mute's story.
Hey, little bit
of medicine helps the demons go down.
Wow!
I do not condone drinking during group.
We're bonding doc. All right, take it easy.
Here marshmallow, take a swig.
That'll keep you from running.
Let's take a five minute break. Hmm.
Bathrooms are in the lobby.
Do you mind?
Moon is out.
There's a dark truth in that room.
It's refreshing.
We're like wolves.
Either we'll eat each other alive or we'll become a clan.
Perhaps.
Hearing everyone's story
I have a feeling the worst was left for last.
And then there were two.
In the land of the monsters,
who is king or queen?
The real monsters are the ones who hide it.
What are you writing?
I used to be afraid like you.
Even worse,
I was terrified
to breathe too loud.
Want to know the secret?
I can't go on like this.
Always be ready.
I can't kill anyone.
Yes, you can.
It's in all of us.
And I don't guilt you for running,
but you may not have a choice
next time.
Next time?
One way, our demons will come for us again.
And that at least I know.
There are five main lines.
And it's about how they cross,
how they combine at the right event, the right persons,
and the perfect timing.
Do the stars lineup?
We'll find out soon enough.
Don't trust them.
Will you stop it?
You think we're her craziest group?
Wait, there are other groups?
Hell, I just wanna know what she does back there.
She writes notes on how mental we are.
Lenny, what scares you about having possessions?
I guess I'm afraid
of losing everything.
You know, again.
Would you extend that to personal connections?
Sure. I don't trust people.
You expressed to me
before that your relationships are superficial.
They lack history.
Before you can have a relationship with others,
you need to have a healthy one with yourself.
Tell the group who you lost in the fire Lenny.
No.
Stay with the emotion, but stay in your seat.
I didn't lose anyone.
I lived alone.
Who did you lose Lenny?
I don't want to do this.
Underneath the rage is pain. Identify it.
This is the lost path back.
Shut up!
Stay with me. Don't run.
I'm not like that bitch Dev!
I like who I am! I don't want to remember.
I like who you are too Lenny.
It's only a dissociative disorder
if the current state is undesired.
Stop staring at me.
Step over the edge. No one here is going to hurt you.
I can't trust these fucking freaks.
Okay, that's a fair expression to the group.
Rip this scab off man.
I don't remember who I was
before the fire.
Like amnesia.
Most triggers that could jog Lenny's memory
were lost in his house fire.
Lenny suffers from selective dissociative amnesia.
Specifically memories linked to his core identity
that were eclipsed by his trauma.
You don't remember anything about yourself.
The foundation is there,
but nothing that makes a house a home.
Lenny was very brave, but let's give him a moment.
I know you all can relate to his struggle.
Someone, something has been stripped
away from your identities.
Let's not address it as
a positive or negative attribute.
Instead,
understand your identities
lack the tools to deal with the new self.
We're here to acquire those tools
and to direct that metamorphosis.
For Oday's case
it was a very deranged transformation.
I can see why Dr. Hedonia brought us together.
I was also captured,
but I was alone.
I always took a nap on the way home from work.
Someone took notice.
Hey!
Can you hear me?
The first day of my capture,
I howled screams, upon screams, upon screams.
[Yells÷}
Until my voice unheard, faded.
Help!
Muzzling even my mind.
Hey!
Help!
Each day the well felt deeper,
the sky
farther away.
All your left is a denominator
of thoughts
and waiting.
Please, please,
you can't keep me in here.
I have a family.
Oday's Repetition breaks the spirit.
Drains the mind.
Molds it in its liking.
I must escape.
You're mocking me! I can hear your whispers.
I can hear your secrets.
It's then when the desire for the pattern
becomes its greatest.
Oday's Don't let him control you.
Hey!
Show yourself.
You fucking cowards!
Yeah, I'll come up there
and throw you down here and rip those arms off.
Yeah. And ring the bell on you!
After that, the water continued,
but not the food.
Instead came the hunger.
I'm not your anim...
I'm not your animal!
I'm not hungry.
I'm not cold.
I'm not hungry. No.
Ah.
Ugh. Ah.
Maybe just a bite.
With ice cream.
With two scoops.
Yeah.
And a steak rare.
No!
Well done.
I was starving.
Yet, I knew what I felt.
The blood crystallized my starvation.
And the moon murmured its
secrets.
There is no escape.
There is only hunger.
No! Take it back.
I don't want it anymore.
Then I felt a stir
in my soul.
I know what you want.
Murky clouds arose.
Their plotting.
Their scheming.
Primordial. As in my own.
So I stood in a vial of soup,
beyond exhaustion.
I succumb to the moon.
My hand ascends
independent of its own.
The rest of me followed
shadow like.
Hunger washing over me.
The blood moon kissing my skin.
I surrendered
with tongue and teeth
beyond the horizon
of humanity.
Let me get this straight.
You ate...
Fuck.
I'm not trying to make any excuses. Okay.
I know what I did, what I've done.
Tell the group what you discovered in the well.
I never let myself get hungry.
That's what causes an urge.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
What does a bleeding moon look like?
Claire!
Huh? She has a name.
How dare you use my name!
That door only leads to more pain.
We are a better path.
I wanted to get my family back.
But the man that came out of that hole was not a husband.
He was not a father.
My wife saw what I became
and she took my kids away.
And I didn't stop her.
Please. I am human.
I don't wanna be a monster anymore.
Claire, It's human to survive.
Oday is not your tormentor,
but he arises the same anger.
We can use that.
Oday.
Are you willing to participate in an exercise?
Yes.
If it'll keep Claire from leaving. Yes.
This is stupid.
It's the meat and potatoes.
If you're not convinced afterwards, you can leave.
Arms folded over your chest.
Spin in three circles for me.
One...
Two...
Three...
Start with a small, lean, gentle.
Get used to everyone's touch.
As Claire falls softly push her onto someone else.
A hypersensitive reaction is normal.
Tell us how you feel.
Um, dizzy.
And beyond the circle?
Exhausted.
Like, like I'm treading water.
All the time.
You're damaged. The world is overwhelming.
And now you have each other.
Understanding is support.
Lean more and undress your fears.
Is that a smile?
How do you feel now?
Huh? Like a...
like a kid.
When we have a good time, we feel safe.
And when we feel safe, our subconscious can surface
and let us digest our pain.
Keep clear up. She trusts us.
There is an impossible wall in front of you.
A goliath momentous burden.
But when you finally set your mind in a new direction,
you'll suddenly see that it is true
and there is a clear path.
No matter the outcome. The horrible weight
becomes light in your heart.
Real clarity. Real clarity. Stop.
I think I'm ready to share.
Wonderful.
That's wonderful.
It's rare I leave my house,
I'm a paranoid agoraphobe.
Though I'd argue my fears have merit.
Coming to this group and seeing
Dr. Hedonia have been steps I thought
I wasn't capable of taking.
I think it's important I tell about the first
time I broke the cycle.
Because I recognize the importance of accepting help.
Alone with my thoughts
I prefer the company of the macabre.
Death is knowing,
promising, comforting.
It is myself that I fear.
The long empty hall, the empty rooms,
the solitude in the dark.
It is the screams unheard. The screams unanswered.
The sound of silence that haunts my mind.
In these quiet hours, the darkest of night.
Unatural thoughts creep through my mind.
Notions slither over my skin, softly.
They're cool, touch, soothing, distracting.
But here alone, my demons are my own.
The nightmare is the same.
A figure approaching.
Let me in.
A knock at the door.
A wrapping at the walls.
A climax of all my senses.
After the incident, I became withdrawn.
Not depressed, but numb.
It starts with a knock.
Always at night.
A peculiar hour for most, but my condition had worsened.
Only nights were manageable.
Take your little pills, fool yourself.
October Saquin?
What's it to you?
I got your package by accident.
I saw the lights on. I meant to come by earlier.
I catch you at a bad time?
It's always a bad time.
Did you call earlier?
I don't have your number. We just met.
Right.
Come in.
Little dark for my taste, but your place is lovely.
You going to open it?
Drink?
Don't really drink that often.
Been hearing weird noises at my place.
Are there wild animals around here at all?
I'm pretty skittish. Probably just my imagination.
If you're quiet enough houses speak.
They have stories to tell.
Boo.
Can I use the ladies' room?
Okay. Make friends Heidi.
Don't be a weirdo.
You are not going to be lonely here.
Get a new start.
New start.
'Cause you're not a loser.
You're not a loser.
I'll come back. Let me in.
Let me in.
Let me in!
Never thought I'd move cross country.
I'm a small town girl. It all happened so quickly.
She's prettier than you.
Cut that little cunt's face.
I'll tell you one thing.
No boyfriends, no distractions.
At least for a couple of months.
Or if he's really cute.
What are you doing with that knife?
I get paranoid too. I thought I heard something.
Oh, do you always keep late hours?
Adults with a acute nocturnal parasomnia can act out
violently in their sleep so,
I have to stay awake until dawn.
That's your neighbor.
I'm bulimic.
To our issues.
Do you wanna stay awake with me?
Are you down to share that pizza?
If you don't throw it up.
I hear sound that aren't there.
I know it isn't real.
But my fear is.
I'm not fat.
But when I look in the mirror, I'm disgusted.
I gag at the first sight of food.
I eat what I want, but I purge it.
My medication keeps my delusions at bay.
The pills are numbing.
It feels borderline suicidal.
I lived with my disorder for three years
before telling anyone.
I live alone,
because my night terrors are incurable.
At some point
looking good became more important than feeling good.
Aren't we a pair?
Fuck everyone.
You can't trust her.
Do you like to dance?
I love to dance.
We should go out. Pick out an album.
We both have demons and mine wait for me to fall asleep.
A chance to take over my mind.
So if you really wanna stay up with me.
They're strong.
I need them to be to leave the house.
It, it's been a while. Isn't everything closing soon?
I know good after hours.
We don't deserve it.
Come on, lets get you in something else.
Heidi.
Oh my God, thank you. Oh, I could drink an ocean.
I must give you the message.
Let me in.
October?
Let me in.
Let me in!
There's a silence that haunts me.
Thoughts that lurk.
Biding their time.
Holding their breath, waiting to strike.
You're not well.
Alone in my house
I can harbor my sickness without hurting others.
If there's a memory haunting you here,
you should move away.
No.
I need to face my terrors
to truly know them.
Then you don't need to do it alone.
Friends are hard to come by.
I've never had many girlfriends or
friends that were genuine.
Ever walk in on someone talking about you?
You know, behind your back.
You worthless slut.
No one will ever want you for more than fucking.
Taste the rainbow bitch.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
My demons are my own. My Demons are my own.
Good morning, ma'am.
What a beautiful sunny day.
And you look beautiful too if I may say.
You see, I was chosen to give you this message,
from our a savior and master.
No thank you.
Please take it.
Let me in.
I must give you the message.
For her way is divine.
Her truth, pleasure.
Rejoice! I liberate you!
No! No!
Please!
No!
Please!
No!
When your screams are unanswered,
they're silent.
October, what do you see?
Torture.
You heal, but you never escape.
No one's there and no one's coming.
Whatever happened it's in the past.
I know it can't hurt me!
Stop torturing yourself.
Blah, blah, blah.
You can trust me.
Som... Somethings wrong.
- What have you done? - Me? Bitch? You poisoned her.
She's dead.
Like the others.
The others?
Get rid of of the body.
Chop that pretty little cunt up into pieces.
I'm so sorry.
Damn it.
I really wanted to watch you chops this one up.
Sweet little cunt.
Don't think about telling anyone.
I'll come back.
Get rid of the body.
You fainted.
It must have been all the dancing.
Or the drugs.
Last year someone broke into my home and um...
That's horrible.
More than you can imagine.
Tell me.
You may live with the horror,
but you can let go of the pain.
Break the cycle, October.
I did.
Death is boring,
shallow.
Now I prefer the torture.
Her cool touch soothing,
beautifully distracting.
I prefer the long empty hall,
the empty rooms,
the solitude in the dark.
The sound of silence that never ends.
The sound of silence that haunts.
Suddenly I don't feel crazy.
And I am?
We're all in the same boat.
But you're at the helm.
You look anxious Dev. Run towards your feelings.
There's at least two people
that have killed someone in this room.
You're god damn animals!
Whoa. - How can you kill someone?
She didn't leave her friends to die.
Shut up! I escaped.
You're upset. Breathe.
Their death is not your fault.
I'm freaking out because
she chopped someone up with an ax!
She's crazy! You're all freaking crazy.
Okay, we're all crazy. I'm crazy.
The world is crazy and it's full of pain.
But we are here to navigate through it.
Your secrets are safe with me...
October.
Thank you Claire.
Everyone's stories are not
easy pills to swallow.
Within each you can discover empathy
because you all share the same level of pain, the same fear.
Your emotional depth is fathomless.
Much, much deeper than most.
The ability to feel
and not shut yourself off
is what defines you as human.
Before we end our session, I would like
to do one last exercise as a group.
We attempt to avoid pain,
but it is a part of life.
For this exercise, I encourage you
to embrace it.
Trauma isn't always purposeless.
It can be a profound experience.
For a moment, let's imagine
you knew who caused your pain.
The self hatred, the doubt, the rage, the fear,
the psychosis.
A face with cold eyes and sharp teeth.
The monster who sent the man
to your house October,
kidnapped you off the subway Oday.
That there was a puppeteer behind the violinist Dev.
And that we knew who lit your house on fire Lenny
and sent you down a destructive path.
They did these atrocities
because they knew exactly what would trigger you.
If that one person stood right in front of all
of you, what would be the outcome?
- It wouldn't be pretty. - Pure hate.
And as a group we would bring them
endless pain.
And what if...
They took pleasure in the pain?
Yes, Claire, what if pain
for them is to feel human?
Now that you've exposed your bare skin to each other,
I can show you mine.
You can get out of your seats now.
Come to me, my pets!
You're not, you're not full from everything?
No.
Yeah. Shut up.
Hey Claire, are you sure you don't need a ride back?
I'm okay.
Positive?
I need to walk.
See you in group.
Latter twat.