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Ladies and gentlemen, y'all give it up for Bruce Bruce!
Bruce!
What's up?
Chicago.
Nothing but love.
How's everything? Like a preacher right there. You a preacher?
He like old bishop. "Good God Almighty."
Hey, hey
You don't know like I know
I didn't say nothing about God, but I sound good, didn't I, playa?
You about to give your life to Christ again.
I'mma let y'all know I'm stupid. I'm stupid for real.
If I don't see you laughing, I'll dive in the audience.
I ain't playing.
I'm gonna dive sideways.
I'm gonna get me 12 people for real.
Somebody gonna be hurt up in here, you hear me?
Somebody going to be on the floor grunting.
"Get him off me. Get him off me!"
Bishop, it's good to see you. Everything all right?
He like old bishop. You know, "God is a good God."
"Yes, he is."
How you doing, girl? I see you looking at me and everything.
You like ol' big boy, don't you? Girl, don't you start now.
Let me sit. Can I sit down and talk to y'all?
- Yeah! - Y'all don't mind, do you?
- No. - Boy, this Chicago, but it's Chicago.
Ooh, best pizza in the world.
Best Polish sausage in the world.
Boy, there's something about that Polish sausage.
When that mug pop when you bite it...
Oh, I am heaven
Whoo, they got hamburgers and Polish-- pork chop sandwiches.
Am I right?
I had four pork chop sandwiches, eight Polish sausages, three hamburgers,
order of fries, and a Diet Coke.
I didn't want to gain no weight, you understand what I'm saying?
Wasn't nothing but protein, player, you understand what I'm saying?
But you know, I love Chicago.
And, you know, I can't come up here in the winter. Oh no.
Whoo, it get too cold up here. It get too cold.
I came up here one time. Look, we went by the Greyhound bus station.
Wasn't no dogs on the bus, look.
We got on the bus, they were inside. "Get your ass in here, man."
"It's cold out there. What is wrong with you?"
Yes, indeed.
And you know what, man? I... I love coming to Chicago.
Chicago, they keep it real. Ain't no in-between in Chicago.
- No. - They either like you or they don't.
Ain't no, "Oh, you aight." Nah, bro, "You were terrible."
"You were good." That's it.
Chicago don't play.
But you know, everybody, I'mma tell you something.
Everywhere you go, everybody think their pastor can preach.
Especially Black people, "Oh, my pastor can preach."
"He can preach. Oh Lord, my pastor can preach."
I get so tired of hearing that everywhere I go.
We came up here about six months ago.
"I need y'all to come to my church. My pastor can preach."
I said, "I don't wanna hear that. I've heard that every time."
"He can preach."
I told the guy, "Man, let's go over there and see this preacher."
Man, we get over there, man, the choir's singing and everything,
and the choir got through singing, the preacher got up to speak.
We didn't know he whistled when he talked.
He get up, "Let's give God the praise."
"God is...
...getting ready to move."
"Hallelujah."
"And he's getting ready to shift."
"Glory to God."
"And see when he shift, thank you, Jesus."
"Glory to God."
I looked at her, and she said, "He can preach."
I said, "He can whistle."
"Yes, yes, yes."
"God is a good God."
"Yes, he is."
You need to get that whistle out your throat.
I thought he had a puppy up on the pulpit. I didn't...
And let me tell you, man, I've been doing comedy for a long time,
and I still enjoy doing stand-up if I started yesterday,
but I study and I watch a lot of people, and that's how you learn something.
Let me tell you something. That Eddie Murphy,
in his prime, this man was a genius.
Am I right?
Hey, and I'm not saying he's not one now.
I know he is.
- Everything he touched was just excellent. - Yes!
Except for one movie.
It was called Pluto Nash.
Y'all remember that shit?
Oh my God, Eddie should've killed himself.
It was terrible.
Oh my God.
But everything else from 48 Hrs., Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places,
Coming to America, brilliant.
Brilliant.
But that Harlem Nights, let me tell you something.
When I tell you that man did his homework in that movie.
That movie was funny from the beginning to the end.
Every scene in that movie was funny.
Remember? Remember it first came on, they were gambling?
Tall dude said, "I'm gonna send all you motherfuckers home, bro!"
He looked at that little boy.
He said, "Hey, man, what the fuck this kid doing here?"
"Didn't I tell you kids bring me bad luck?"
He looked at the little boy, he said, "Get out of here before I kick your ass."
That little boy looked at him and said, "You ain't gonna kick shit."
Remember that?
Remember that? They said, "You got a girl you can put on?"
He said, "Sugar, I got a girl whose pussy's so good...
...you throw it up in the air and it turn to sunshine."
Everybody in the room looked up in the air. They went...
The champ came to the club, they said, "The champ is here." Like...
They said, "You ready?" "Ready? Well, shit yeah, I'm ready."
They said, "We got a lot of money here." He said, "Well..."
"Y'all about to be some rich niggas
'cause I'm knocking somebody the fuck out."
"You understand what I'm saying?"
And the reason I'm talking about these people, y'all,
I've been in that business so long.
I knew every actor in that movie personally,
but I realized a lot of them have passed away.
Like the tall dude that was gambling?
He died about eight years ago.
- Richard Pryor. - Yeah.
- Redd Foxx. - Yeah.
- Della Reese. - Yeah.
- Charlie Murphy. - Yeah.
- Reynaldo Rey. - Yeah.
- Tommy Ford. - Yeah.
- Robin Harris. - Yeah.
And I'm sitting here thinking to myself, man,
I'm glad I wasn't in that goddamn movie, man.
Look, I know it's messed up, right?
But y'all right with me, "Uh-huh, uh-huh."
They are gone.
Am I right?
And y'all know I'm from Atlanta, Georgia, right?
Now I know y'all know the group OutKast, right?
And if you ever noticed anything OutKast ever did,
TV, film, video, I've been in it.
I'm like their big brother.
First movie I did with 'em was called Idlewild.
Remember I was in that with Patti LaBelle.
Second movie I did with 'em was called Who's Your Caddy?
I was the bookie on the golf course. You remember that?
Then I did a video with them called "So Fresh, So Clean."
You remember the song.
Ain't nobody dope as me
I dress so fresh, so So fresh and so clean
You know the song.
They call me like, "Bruce, you're like our big brother, man."
"Got this new video, want you to be in it."
"Only thing we want you to do is dress like a pimp."
I ain't got no problem with that 'cause I got pimp tendencies.
Don't know if y'all remember what I had on,
but I had on a lavender Versace suit with some lavender gators.
Boy, I was clean as hospital carpet. You hear me, playa?
But I get to the video shoot not knowing it was real pimps in the video.
Don't know if y'all ever been around pimps and stuff, but they be talking shit,
making shit rhyme, but they be dead-ass serious.
I get there. There's a pimp from Cleveland named Good Game.
Another pimp from DC named JuJu.
Then Pimpin' Ken walks up. He give me a dap like this.
"What's up, Pimpin'?"
I said, "What's happening, man?"
He said, "You know it's a treat when two players meet, you understand?"
I said, "Man, I appreciate that." He said, "Shit. A pimp, pimp, hooray."
What makes it so bad, he was dead serious. Then he looked at me.
He said, "Look here, pimp, pimp, playa, playa,
I got every color suit in the closet."
"I don't have a lavender suit."
"You don't mind if I have one made 'cause you tearing that mug up right now."
I said, "No, let's do this thing together."
He said, "I appreciate it, Pimpin'."
"Ain't no thing but a chicken wing."
"You drop it in the grease, I give you a piece."
"You understand what I'm saying?"
I said, "Where you headin'?"
He said, "I'm finna get these switches and go whoop these bitches."
Man, this man had on a mink coat that dragged the crown like a train,
like a wedding dress.
He had three women holding the back of the coat
as he walked around the shoot.
I said, "Pimpin' Ken, hold on,
you got these three young ladies holding your coat as you walk around?"
He didn't look at them. He looked at me.
He said, "These bitches better not let this coat hit the ground."
Boy, I got so hyped up off that shit. Let me tell you something, y'all.
I got home. I got me a king-size blanket.
I throw that mug over me.
I told my wife, "Bitch, pick that blanket up."
"And you better not let it hit the motherfucking ground."
My wife looked at me and said,
"Bruce, if don't sit your fat ass over in that chair there,
look at the TV and leave me the fuck alone,
I'm gonna cuss your ass out. Do you understand me?"
I said, "Well, damn."
She said, "A pimp, pimp, hooray."
Let me tell y'all something.
I'm gonna to tell you the truth. I'm a lot older than what I look.
I'm old. I got three very grown children.
My baby girl is 39.
- My baby boy is 41. - Yeah!
My oldest son is 44.
Oh, I used to lay that dick down.
Ooh, I used to fuck like they're tearing the sidewalks up.
You know what I'm talking about?
All that shit gone.
My wife lucky if she get this.
Boop.
And they got shit you can take, but it don't work for everybody.
Man, I took a Viagra, everything got hard but my dick.
My arm, my elbow, my back, my nipple, my stomach,
my thigh, my knee, my leg, my ankle, my foot.
I had to foot fuck my wife to death.
What make it so bad, she don't even want me no more.
She want some foot. You hear what I'm saying?
Now, to all you young couples in here that got these teenage kids,
I got something I wanna say to you.
This is the time in their life for you to be their parent.
Not to be their friend.
I'm so tired of hearing that. It's like, "That's my best friend."
No, they're your best friend when they move and get out your house.
These kids don't wanna do nothing, but they want everything,
iPhone, iPad, clothes, shoes, money, cars, and they want you to buy it.
You tell 'em, "Go and cut the grass."
"Cut the grass?"
"I ain't no yardman."
I don't know about y'all. When I grew up, we didn't have no yardman.
You know why?
I was the yardman.
I used to cut grass with a lawn mower with no motor.
That mower worked the shit out of you.
My aunt got up every Saturday morning to cook.
Wasn't hitting those streets.
I had to hit that yard. Hit them hedges.
Wasn't no electric hedger. I had to manually do it.
Sweep the driveway. Wasn't no blowers. I had to sweep that mother.
Then wash my uncle's car. Then go cut the backyard.
Then my aunt come out there and inspect it like she a drill sergeant.
"Let me see what you done did out here."
"You done?" I'm like, "Yes, ma'am."
"Well, let me find you something else to do."
"Lady, I will bust you dead in the chest."
"I've been out here since 8:15. It's 5:46. I'm tired."
It ain't the kid's fault. It's the parent's fault.
Grandparent now, 35, 36.
Great-grandparent, 47, 48.
See, when I grew up, I grew up with grandparents.
I was so scared of my granddaddy, I didn't know what to do.
Then my granddad was weird-looking.
That mother was 6'5", Black as a motherfucker.
He was so Black, his first name should've been Pitch.
But let me tell you what's weird about him.
This joker was jet Black with royal blue eyes.
That mutha look at you, you'd drop your head like a runaway slave.
And he was never impressed with nothing you did,
anything you did, you should have done it better.
I was in the fifth grade, I made straight A's,
thought I was the shit, right?
Going through the neighborhood, showing everybody my report card.
My granddaddy run up on me like he was excited.
He said, "Boy, you made straight A's?"
I said, "Yes, sir."
He looked me dead in my eye. He said, "Boy, that ain't shit."
I'm like, "What can I do?"
He said, "I'll give you a test." I'm like, "Test?" He said, "Yes, test."
He said, "Say your ABCs." I said to myself, "This ain't nothing."
I throw them ABCs out there, he said, "All right, say 'em backwards."
I'm like, "Granddad, uh, they don't make us say it like that in school."
He didn't ask questions, just slapped the shit out of me.
Pow!
I was like, "Z, Y, W...
...Q, M, R, K,
N, O, T,
C, B, A."
He looked me straight in my eyes. He said, "Well, all right then."
I'm like, "So this motherfucker didn't know either, did he?"
"Putting all that pressure on me, you dumb motherfucker."
And everybody in this room, when you was young, you had a best friend.
Everybody had a best friend.
Had a best friend named Barry, man. We were about 10 or 11.
Barry and I used to go to the park every Saturday after I cut the grass.
On the way to the park was on the way to his house.
He said, "You go to the park, stop by the crib, we walk together."
I said, "All right. We boys."
So as I'm walking to the park, walking to Barry's house,
I hear Barry in the house arguing with somebody.
He wasn't arguing. He was going off.
Now, y'all gotta understand, we 10 or 11 years old.
I knocked on the door, I said, "Hey, man, who you talking to like that?"
He said, "My mama." I said, "Damn."
I said, "You talk to your mama like that?" He said, "Man, fuck that shit."
I said, "Does it work?"
He said, "Shit, we going to the park, ain't we?"
I started thinking about that shit.
"I'm gonna try that shit with my mama, you know what I'm saying?"
About three, four weeks went by, me and my mama got into it,
I started talking shit and walked off.
Man, my mama ran up behind me and put me in a sleeper hold.
And whispered in my ear, she said,
"If you see the light, walk to it, motherfucker."
I'm like, "Damn, I didn't know she was a murderer."
Y'all know mamas didn't play that shit.
My mama used to tell me, "Bruce, we going over to these people's houses,
you show out on me, we gonna do it together."
"We get there, and they ask, 'Want something to eat?' you say no."
"They ask, 'Want something to drink?' you say no."
I said no to everything but some cake.
Let me have some cake?
"Bruce, you want some cake?"
"Do you want some cake?"
Bitch, I'm saying, "Yes, no," goddamn it.
And every parent in here is guilty of this, even I'm guilty.
I wish my mother would've asked me this when we was young.
"What y'all want for dinner?"
Kids call out stuff now. "Burger King, McDonald's, Taco Bell."
My mama cooked, you ate.
You didn't know what it was. You're like, "Mama, this food good."
"Whatever this bullshit is."
I'mma tell you, man, and I'mma tell you something.
I know a lot of you people here homeschooling your kids.
That's cool, but kids need to be around other kids.
Homeschooled kids is weird as a motherfucker.
See, kids need to hear the shit I heard every day in the fifth grade.
"When that bell ring at three o'clock, I'mma beat your ass."
And these was girls telling me this shit.
Let me tell you something.
I had more fun in school than I had anywhere.
I mean, kids don't know how to have fun no more.
You mess with a child now,
they'll go get a gun, come the next day and kill your ass.
If I was a child, I know I'd be dead because I fucked with everybody.
When I was in the fifth grade, there was a girl who had a ponytail that long...
...with a rubber band around it.
I walked behind her and said, "Bitch, how did they do that?"
She said, "Do what?" I said, "Make that oxtail right there."
I said, "Girl, you can stand on your head, your hair still won't touch the floor."
She said, "When that bell ring at three o'clock,
I'm gonna beat your ass."
I said, "You ain't gonna do shit."
Man, the bell rung, I broke out running.
I didn't know she was a track star.
I said, "She finna catch me."
Man, that girl beat the shit out of me.
Look, she had me on the ground, said, "What's up now, motherfucker?"
I said, "Your hair still shorter than a motherfucker."
Kids don't know how to have fun, man.
Am I right? You remember... You remember you had school clothes and play clothes?
Remember that shit?
Your mama said,
"When you get home from school, put your play clothes on now."
"Don't let me come home and see you with them school clothes on."
And the play clothes was the shit you had about, you know, three years ago.
Sleeves too short and the pants too short.
You in the front yard looking like the Incredible Hulk.
You'd tell your friend, "Wanna play?"
No, you look stronger than a motherfucker, man.
And see, we gotta go back to raising our kids, man.
When I grew up, my uncle taught me how to cook.
One aunt taught me how to clean up. Another taught me how to wash clothes.
My mother taught me how to keep my ass clean.
My mother said, "Don't no woman want no stinking-ass man?"
Man, I was in there taking a shower, my mama ran there, "Hold on!"
"Let me show you how to wash your ass." "Wait a minute. Hold on."
"I'm 17 now. Don't do that shit."
Now look, I'm talking to all the men.
Men, if you do this, clap.
If you don't do it, don't clap.
How many men in this room spoiled their woman?
Six guys.
That guy over there sitting on his hand, "Fuck this shit."
Fellas, it's your job and your duty to spoil your woman.
Am I right?
I say, am I right?
And ladies, it's your job and your duty to spoil him back.
This ain't no one-side thing.
I... I tell you what... I tell you what, let me tell you what kind of man I am.
Now fellas, listen to the women's reactions when I say this.
I am a very, very, very controlling man.
You heard that lady, "Mmm."
You heard that lady, "I used to like your fat ass."
I ain't talking about control like that. You can't control a grown woman.
I'm saying I'm the type of person
who can make shit happen even if I'm not there.
All you gotta do is pop that whip, goddamn it, I'll make that trip,
you understand what I'm saying?
See, one thing I learned about women,
women like when a man take control and know what he's doing.
- Am I right? - Yeah!
I'm out of town four, five months ago,
ready to go on stage, my wife called, "Hey, Bruce."
I said, "What's up?" "I think I'm catching a flat tire."
I said, "How you know you catching a flat tire?"
She said, "My tire pressure light came on."
- I said, "Goddamn it, where you at?" - She said, "I'm on the highway."
I said, "Level up and pull up on the light."
I said, "You got your pistol?" I taught her how to shoot.
She said, "I got it."
I said, "Let me call my boy. He do 24-hour call service. I'll call you back."
I called my boy. I said, "Player."
He said, "Talk to me, Pimpin'."
I said, "My wife got a flat tire." He said, "Goddamn it, where she at?"
I told him where she was.
He said, "Tell her I'll be there in 15 to 20 minutes."
I called her back. I said, "Baby, he said he'd be there in 15 to 20 minutes,
but meanwhile, I'm gonna keep talking to you
till he get there."
See what I'm saying?
Because see, I'm a motherfucking player.
From the Himalayas, you understand what I'm saying?
So I'm talking to her and talking to her.
He pulled up in a truck, opened the trunk, took out a tire,
changed the tire, put the old tire back,
got to the glass and say, "You ready to go."
She said, "You done changed the tire already?"
He said, "Shit. Bruce popped that whip. Goddamn it, I had to make that trip."
She said, "How much I owe?" He said, "Nothing."
"He said he'll take care of me when he get back in town."
So ladies, when I talk about control, that's what the fuck I'm talking about.
You understand what I'm saying?
So let me tell you something.
See, I pay all the bills at my house. I'm not bragging. I'm just able to do it.
But if I fall short, that bitch better catch me.
If she don't... If she don't,
I'm gonna turn into an umpire in that motherfucker.
Bitch, you are out of here.
I don't play that shit.
I didn't take recess in school because I don't motherfucking play.
And so let me tell you something.
See, a lot of you guys got foreplay mixed up.
A lot of y'all think foreplay is something you do before sex.
- Who taught you that? - No.
A lot of y'all think foreplay is feeling on your woman, licking on her.
Let me tell you what that's called.
That is called feeling on your woman, licking on her.
See, foreplay is done 24 hours a day.
Dealing with your woman on a daily basis.
See, one thing you gotta understand about women, women got mood swings,
and fellas, you got to move with that swing.
See, you should be so in tune with your woman,
you should know something wrong
from her body language and her face expression.
I had gotten in town on a Monday,
my wife walking in from work all frowned up. I said, "What's wrong?"
"Bruce, I'll tell you right now,
these people in this job are gonna make me fuck their ass up."
I said, "You need me to go down there tomorrow and fuck up four or five people?"
I said, "'Cause you know I'd do it."
She walked off smiling, look.
"You ain't got to go down now."
She don't realize I ain't finna get the fuck out the chair,
you understand I'm saying?
But I got her thinking I'm finna tear somebody ass up.
But what turned her on, I realized something was wrong.
Ladies, one thing y'all gotta start doin' is stepping to the plate
when it's time to get in that bed now.
Y'all be like, "I don't like doing it like that."
"Well, bitch, you finna lose."
You're on a losing team.
There's some girls out there on ready, set.
- All I gotta do is say, "Go." - Go!
And let me tell y'all something. Y'all listen to me, fellas.
When I tell you women don't miss shit,
women see everything.
Lot of time they don't say nothing, but women see everything.
I had to leave LA one time. It was on a red-eye.
I'll never forget. It was on a Saturday night.
Got back in Atlanta Sunday morning about 5 a.m.
Went home, laid down, slept about a couple hours,
My wife said, "Let's go to church."
I got no problem going to church, but the problem I got,
soon as I hit the church doors, it's all over the church,
"Bruce Bruce in church."
So we sitting down, people walking by speaking,
"Hey, Bruce Bruce." I'm like, "Hey."
My wife said, "That bitch walk past here one more time..."
I said, "Who?" She said, "That bitch there."
"I done told her. I'm gonna drag her stupid ass in here."
I said, "Baby, calm down. You're cussin' in church."
"Fuck her."
I said, "You can't drag nobody in church." "Why I can't?"
"First of all, that's the pastor's wife. Don't fuck with her."
Hey, fellas, women do look at other men,
but they don't look at men like men look at women.
See, when a man sees a fine woman, he zoom in on her.
He start talking to himself, fucking in place, "Lord have mercy."
"Whoo! God been good to that girl."
God is a good God
See, women are nothing like that.
Women are very discreet about what they do.
This man can be with this woman,
she'd look at a man 50 times, you wouldn't know it.
You know why? Because she ain't finna stare at him.
But she gonna glance at him every second.
Then she gonna act like she's doing her hair,
but she's really looking between her fingers.
Let me tell you something, fellas.
There's a way for you to look at another woman
while you with your woman.
I'm finna tell you how. Can I tell you how?
- Yes! - I'll tell you what.
Let's say you and your woman left dinner, left the movies, or left a comedy show.
Y'all get in the car, start driving. Fellas, you're driving.
You're coming down the street. You're coming to a red light.
The light is getting ready to turn red for you. What you do?
When you get to the light, you see a fine woman on the corner.
What you do? You zoom in on her.
Start talking to yourself, "Lord have mercy."
"Whoo! God been good to that girl."
God is a good God
But you don't realize,
your woman already saw this bitch two lights back.
You understand what I'm saying?
'Cause see, women don't miss shit.
For you to look at this woman while you with your woman,
all you gotta do, when that light change for her to cross the street,
all you gotta do is act like you don't like what she got on.
Do like this.
"Look at that bullshit this bitch got on right here."
"If you ever come out the house dressed like that,
I'm gonna beat your ass."
"Look at her!"
"Whoo! God been good to that girl."
"Look at her!"
God is a good God
I'm gonna tell you something.
There's a certain thing women won't do around you for a year
when they first meet you.
And that's fart.
Women-- Oh, go take a new woman out tomorrow.
Get in your car. Fellas, you start driving.
Look over there. She's looking like this.
You like, "Baby, you all right?" "Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."
"My sinuses." It ain't her sinuses.
She got to fart,
but she would let her head explode before she'd do it.
Men, it's the complete opposite. We'll lift our ass up driving.
Look straight at her. "Had to let it out. Had to let it out."
Shit, my wife would fart and look at me like the fuck I did it.
Walk past me in the hallway.
"You heard that?" I said, "I heard something."
One time she farted in sections, and I didn't know this could happen.
It was three different farts, and the last fart was powerful.
So I know she pushed it out. You know what I'm saying?
I'm sitting in the bedroom looking at TV. She came in.
Rawr, rawr.
She said, "You heard that?" I said, "Bitch, I heard a trumpet."
I said, "I cannot believe that came out your little bitty ass."
And let me tell you something.
And I mean it.
I'm gonna say 95%, but it might be 100%.
95% of women love to shop.
It might be 100, but let's just say 95%.
Let me tell you something.
I can tell you just as good
when my wife at home looking at clothes, shoes, and purses,
I know it because she sound like Biggie Smalls.
She be online. I be in the bedroom.
I hear that motherfucker in the back office...
I'm like, "What the fuck is that?"
"I love it when you..."
I said, "Hold up." I said, "What's going on there?"
"I'm in here looking at clothes. Don't worry about me."
Let me tell you something, fellas. We as men are so basic.
You know what we got at home to wear? T-shirt, drawers, socks.
We getting ready to go somewhere, we put on shirts, slacks, shoes.
- Am I right? - That's right.
Women got all kinds of shit.
Women got bras with strap, bras with no strap.
They got bras to hold the titties up, bras to hold the titty down.
They got panty with line, panty with no line.
Thong drawers. You've seen 'em.
Go up in the booty crack. Know what I'm talking about?
Then you got time-of-the-month panties that come way up here.
Got a drawstring in them. I know you done seen 'em.
Made out of burlap material.
She come out the bathroom trying to be sexy, "What's up?"
You'd be like, "Not a motherfuckin' thing."
And you better not cut my leg with them burlap drawers
like you did last month.
I tell you what, let's say a concert come in town, a musical concert.
- Let's say it's Charlie Wilson. - Whoo!
- Keith Sweat. - Yeah!
- Maxwell. - That's right.
Kim.
That's a hell of a show, ain't it?
Women think this is the time for them to get a whole new outfit.
You know what a man gonna do?
We gonna go to the closet, get a shirt, slack, shoes.
We might go get a haircut.
Those that got bald head cut their own hair. Am I right?
Women gonna get shit from head to toe.
New outfit, new purse, new shoes.
Get her hair done, nails and feet done, makeup, eyelash.
As soon as she walk in the concert doors, the first thing she gonna say,
"These hoes in here be hatin'."
"Ain't nobody hatin'. You got on too much shit."
Like my wife now on me about another purse.
I got a problem with it. People say, "Why you got a problem?"
First of all, I done bought my wife hundreds of purses.
I know this for a fact.
But the problem I got, my wife make $100,000 a year
and don't pay a bill in the house.
So I be like, "If you want a purse, go get it. You got the fucking money."
She's like, "Bruce, I saw a purse I like." I said, "You did? You like it?"
"Oh, I love it."
I said, "Get your-- Go get it."
She said, "I don't wanna buy it. I want you to buy it."
"Well, bitch, you in trouble."
And the particular purse she want, it's called a Birkin bag.
Now if anybody don't know what that is, a Birkin purse starting price is $20,000.
They go from 20,000 to 150,000.
I ain't telling you what I heard. I am telling you what I know.
Understand what I'm saying?
So my wife loves to go to Vegas.
So we got through talking, so she left the house.
So I took the liberty to count her purses.
So people say, "Why you do that?" First of all, I bought 'em.
I walked in there. I counted three Michael Kors.
You know Michael Kors? Three Michael Kors.
I counted three Versace. You know Versace, right? Three Versace.
You ain't gonna believe this. This motherfucker had 49 Guccis.
Ooh.
Real shit, not no fake shit.
Fifty-seven Louis Vuittons.
Instantly, I got madder than a mug because I'm the dumbass that bought 'em.
You know what I'm saying? So she was online looking at stuff.
She said, "Bruce, you know what? You got a weekend off."
"Why don't we just go out there and go to Vegas
and just, you know, hang out?"
I said, "Who the fuck hang in Vegas?"
I said, "No, I'll put something there."
"Me and my manager'll put something there. We just ain't putting nothing there."
She said, "I called your manager." He said y'all ain't gonna put nothing there.
I said, "You didn't call my manager 'cause that motherfucker work for me."
So what do we do? We go to Vegas.
You know, and she loves to stay at Caesars Palace.
But let me let you in on a little secret.
Every major hotel in Vegas have a mall in it.
From the Aria, MGM Grand, Planet Hollywood,
Venetian, Palazzo, Cosmopolitan, Caesars Palace.
My wife loves Caesars Palace.
So we go out to Vegas. I rent a one-bedroom suite.
It came with a maid, butler, and a chef 24 hours.
Before we left, the chef called me, said,
"Mr. Bruce, I know you'll be on a flight for five hours."
"I know you won't eat nothing on the plane."
"I'll have you something to eat when you get here. What would you like?"
I said, "We'd like some grilled barbecue salmon
with some grilled asparagus with some purple potatoes
and some French-cut garlic toast."
So, man, we fly to Vegas.
We get down to Vegas.
We land. We get to baggage claim, and we get to the hotel.
He laid it out. He was in the room. Man, we ate.
He said, "What time would you like breakfast?"
I said, "I would like breakfast by 8:30."
He came around and cooked breakfast. Man, I got through eating breakfast.
Me and my wife, soon as I get done eating, she's standing there looking at me.
I said, "What's wrong with you?"
"Let's walk through the mall."
I said, "For what?"
"We ain't gotta buy nothing. We just gonna look."
Every woman tell the same fucking lie.
And I should've known what was going on. I didn't pay any attention.
She already know what's in that mall
'cause she online looking at stuff all the time.
We walking through the mall.
I'm walking behind her looking like a stupid-ass little boy.
So we made this turn.
She said, "Ooh, there goes some Birkin bags right there."
She knew exactly where they were.
So I played stupid. I said, "Where, where? I don't see them. Where?"
She said, "Right there."
We go over 'cause the bags was locked up. They weren't out. They was locked up.
So we get over there. We're looking at the bags.
And the sales dude just walk from nowhere. He's like, "Hello."
"How are you?"
My wife said, "Can I see that purse?" He talking about "Great choice."
I said, "This mutha trying to sell this purse."
So he started showing my wife the purse.
I started drifting off like I'm doing something else.
You know what I'm saying?
About ten minutes went by, my wife said, "Bruce, come here."
I said, "What?" "Come here."
"I wanna show you something." I said, "What you gotta show me?"
"How do you like this purse right here?"
I said, "I don't give a fuck about this purse."
I said, "I don't carry a purse."
And I said, "That purse right there, ugly as a motherfucker."
And I knew it was a Birkin bag. Know what I'm saying?
So the sales dude talking about, "Excuse you."
I said, "Go ahead on, player. You don't even know me now."
I said, "I hit you in your mouth and fuck up your sex life."
Write that down. I'm gonna keep that.
So by this time, he's madder than a mug.
I'm looking at the purse, I say, "Man,
is this the price or the UPC code on this purse?"
He said, "It's the price." That motherfucker was $21,800.
So I started thinking, I said, "$21,800."
"By the time they add taxes, it's gonna be $22,300."
You know what I'm saying? I'm thinking to myself.
So as soon as I get through thinking, my wife's looking straight at me.
"Bruce, I want this purse so bad."
I said, "I know you do, baby, but look, this motherfucker $22,000."
I said, "I can buy a car and flip it and make $22,000."
I said, "You ain't gonna carry it around."
"Soon as you put it down, somebody gonna steal it."
"But I want this purse so bad."
I said, "Baby, I love you with all my heart. I do."
I said, "But look, you make $100,000 a year."
"You don't pay a bill in the house."
"Put your card up and get it."
She said, "I don't wanna buy it."
Well, bitch, I don't either.
Then she pulled rank on me.
"You know, my birthday coming up, our anniversary, Christmas."
"Valentine's right around the corner."
"I want this purse so bad."
I looked at her, I said, "Look, you want the purse?"
"Goddamn it, you can get the purse."
She looked at me, she said, "For real?"
I said, "Yeah, bitch, if you steal it because that's the only way."
She's madder than a motherfucker, Kool-Aid face.
Y'all gotta understand, it ain't like I ain't took her nowhere.
I took her everywhere.
I done took her to Japan,
took her to China, took her to Germany, took her to Dubai.
And when I'm in these countries, I spend money.
She got a purse now, come from Japan. They don't even sell 'em in the States.
There's a Japanese designer over there that's real popular.
You know, you buy the purse, you gotta get the wallet, keychain,
purse jewelry.
You know, she got her initials hanging off.
Then the dude that sold the purse gonna give some shit in Japanese,
talking about it mean "love."
We get back to Atlanta. We go to a hibachi restaurant.
Everybody go, "Oh, shrimp fried rice on your..."
Bitch, this motherfucker don't mean no "love."
I had to go to Paris, and she couldn't go. She said, "I wish I could get off work."
I said, "I know you can't go, but when I get over there,
I'm gonna FaceTime you, and we'll walk down the street together."
She said, "That ain't the same thing."
I said, "That's as close as you gonna get to it."
I fly to Paris. I get over there, and as soon as I got off the plane,
"Mr. Bruce, your room's not ready."
"Would you like to see Paris for like an hour, hour and a half?"
I said, "No, take me
where they're introducing all the new clothes and shoes."
Y'all gotta think about it. I'm still thinking about my wife.
He took me to the warehouse. It was Gucci, Versace, Louis Vuitton.
I stopped at this shoe display.
They called Christian Louboutin shoes.
Red bottoms.
I know y'all know they ain't cheap.
I'm sitting here looking at them. I said, "My wife got a few pair of 'em."
I guess I'll get a couple of pair and take 'em back.
You know, I catch 'em on sale. When they on sale, they still $800, $900.
Know what I'm saying?
I'm looking at the shoes, saying to myself,
I said, "I know she want a couple pair. She wears a size eight."
She likes a six-inch heel. This how in tune I am with this shit.
So when I get through thinking,
I think the same guy who worked in Vegas walked up on me.
"Hello."
"How are you?"
I said, "Damn, didn't I just see you a month ago?"
He said, "I noticed you looking at the shoes." I said, "My wife likes them."
I said, "I got her a few pair." I said, "They're not cheap."
I said, "I'm gonna try to get some. I'm gonna get a couple pair."
"I'm over here to do the show, and I'm leaving."
He looked at me, he said, "Oh my God."
He said, "Are you Bruce Bruce?" I said, "Yes, I am."
He said, "I am trying to get tickets to your show. It is completely sold out."
I'm being cordial. I said, "You want tickets? I'll get you a couple."
Now I'm talking to this dude not realizing who he is.
He was the owner and designer of Christian Louboutin shoes.
This dude is filthy rich.
He looked me dead in my eye. He said, "I'm in a good mood today."
"And if your wife likes these shoes, pick out whatever she want."
I say, "For free?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "How many pair can she get?"
That mug said, "How many pairs does she want?"
I said, "Hold up. Let me call my wife. I gotta get her approval."
"She says I pick out ugly shit, so let me call her."
Y'all gotta understand. I'm in Paris.
It's a different time zone in Paris and the US.
It's 3:30 in the morning, Atlanta time.
My wife called--
She answered the phone with a straight attitude
'cause I done woke her up.
She answered the phone like this, "Hello?!"
I say, "Bitch, calm down."
"I got something I wanna show you."
"What the fuck you got to show me at 3:30 in the morning?"
I said, "Well, they got these Christian Louboutin shoes."
She said, "Christian Louboutin?"
I said, "Look, before I show you these shoes,
I'm getting these shoes at a real good price."
"So when I get home,
you got to work that ass like you ain't never worked it before."
"I'm gonna work that ass. Don't worry. Show me the shoes."
That motherfucker done woke up now.
I FaceTimed, she said, "Oh, Bruce, this is a bad motherfucker."
I get back over there.
He said, "What'd she pick?" I said, "Well, she picked out ten pair."
He said, "Is that it?"
I said, "You telling me she could've gotten more?"
He said, "Yes."
He said, "I'll tell you what I'll do for you."
He said, "I got two signature pair, will not be sold in the US."
"They're only gonna be sold in Europe. They're collectors."
He said, "I'm gonna give you those two and the ten you pick."
So the total was like $18,000.
I looked him dead in his eyes.
I said, "How many tickets you say you need to show?"
"'Cause I'm gonna give you what you want."
Man, he had the shoes packed up for me and everything.
He showed up with his friend.
I'm talking about, it was, like, four convertible Phantoms.
This motherfucker got money.
Man, I did the show. The show went well. I fly back. I walk in the house.
My wife ain't say, "How was your flight?"
"How was your show?"
"Where the shoes?!"
I say, "Fuck them shoes."
"You need to get upstairs and get them panties off, goddamn it."
"It's time to go to work in there. You hear what I'm saying?"
"Bring your ass upstairs." We got up there. We got buck naked.
You'd been proud of me.
I don't know if she put a motor in her hips or what,
but that motherfucker went to work, you hear me?
She said, "Let me get on top." I said, "Goddamn it, get on top."
Man, that motherfucker went to riding that thing.
I'm in the bed.
I love it when you call me Big--
Throw your hands in the air
Let me tell you something, man.
And y'all listen to me.
All you women in here that got these girls, daughters, daughters, you know,
you teach your daughters how to get a man,
but teach your daughters how to keep a man.
My daughter's 39, been married 18 years. You understand what I'm saying?
- Good husband, got three kids. - Yeah!
Yeah. Yeah, she's a good girl.
So she lives in Charlotte, so she likes to come down to my house,
her, her husband, three kids 'cause I cook.
I used to be a chef. I can-- I'm a bad dude in that kitchen.
Know what I'm saying?
So we was in the kitchen, and I was cooking some stuff.
I looked at my daughter 'cause I talk to her.
I don't talk at her. I talk to her.
I said, "Are you taking care of your husband?"
She said, "Yeah, Dad."
I said, "No, are you taking care of your husband?"
She said, "Yeah."
I said, "No, are you taking care of your husband?"
She said, "What you talking about?"
I said, "You riding that thing like you supposed to?"
She said, "Daddy!" I said, "Don't 'Daddy' me. You got three kids."
"You know what I'm talking about."
Man, her husband called me three days later.
He said, "Man, I love you so much."
You gotta talk to 'em.
Don't talk at 'em. Talk to 'em.
- Am I right? - Yeah.
I'll tell you something. I don't lend money no more.
I... I'm so tired of people not paying me back.
But as soon as they lend you money, they want their money back.
Know what I'm saying?
"You calling me about that little money?" "It wasn't little when I gave it."
The girl I used to date a long time ago, man, ain't never paid me back.
Called me, you know, "How you doing?"
"You know, I ain't heard from you in a long time."
I said, "This heifer want something."
She wants something.
And now she done found Jesus.
So now, you know, yeah, "God has been good. Ooh, hallelujah."
I said, "Look."
She said, "I got this new job and everything,
and everything's working out real good."
"But I'm trying to buy a car."
"And I was wondering if you could lend me the money to buy a car."
I said, "Look, every time I lend you money, you never pay it back."
"No, I'm gonna pay you back. God is my-- Oh, glory to God," you know.
So she done found-- She done found Jesus. You know what I'm saying?
And I said, "No, I'm not gonna mess with that."
"You never pay me back."
"But just curious, how much you need?"
She said, "I don't need but $2,500."
I said, "If it's but $2,500, you ought to have but $2,500."
So I told her no.
So she kept on me, on me, on me. About two, three weeks went by,
"I need you to lend me money." I said, "I'm gonna try her."
You know what I'm saying?
Lent her the money. It was in April. It was in April.
I said, "Look, don't start paying me back till August."
I said, "Just give me $100 a month." You know what I'm saying?
"So you got April, May, June, July, August."
So I said, "Well, I ain't going to worry about it."
Man, September done came, and I thought about it.
I said, "She's supposed to pay me this money."
"Start paying me money in August."
I'm talking to myself. You know what I'm saying?
And I called her, and, uh, it was a totally different attitude.
Jesus was gone.
I said, "Hello?" "Hello."
I said, "How you doing?" "I'm fine. How you doing?"
I said, "Look, I was just sitting here thinking about..."
I said, "You were supposed to start paying me $100 a month in August."
"I thought if you had a problem,
you'd call and let me know you had a problem or a situation."
"All you had to do was call." She said, "I ain't got your money."
"I ain't gonna give it to you. What you gonna do?"
I said, "What happened to Jesus?"
"Well, I..." I said, "Well, I'll tell you what."
I said, "I told you you weren't gonna give me that money back."
I said, "Don't worry about it."
I said, "That $2,500, I got 100,000 times. Don't even worry about it."
I said, "But trust me when I tell you you're gonna need me again."
Know what I'm saying? Gonna need me again.
Lo and behold, y'all,
about two and a half years later, she called me back.
She's back with Jesus.
"How you doing?" I said, "How you doing?"
"You know, I just wanted to call and apologize."
"I didn't do right by you, and I didn't do the right thing."
"I should've paid your money back."
I said, "I didn't worry about that. I wrote that off."
"Don't worry about it. How you been?"
I'm talking to her like I'm concerned.
I said, "How you been?"
"I've been good, but what happened,
I run into a situation, and I need your help."
I said, "Help for what?"
She said, "I'm about to lose my house." I said, "What?"
"They gonna put you out your house?" She said, "Yeah."
"God gonna make it happen though. God is gonna work on my behalf."
"Yes, he is." I said, "I know he is."
I said, "How much it cost to get your house back?"
She said, "It ain't but $3,500."
I said, "$3,500?" I said, "That ain't no fucking money."
She said, "Yeah, if you can help me this time, I really would appreciate it."
I said, "Let me ask you one question."
I said, "Have you ever been put out before?"
She said, "No."
I said, "Bitch, get ready."
Instantly, "You Black motherfucker." "That's all right."
"I got $3,500. You don't."
I used to work for Frito-Lay. Anybody know Frito-Lay?
Oh my God. Man, I used to sell a bag and eat three bags.
I was coming up short every month.
I said, "Goddamn it, somebody's stealing from me."
I'll be damned if I wasn't stealing from myself.
But I'm tired of y'all getting on these good jobs.
"Oh, that's a good job."
You got something you want to do in life, you better do it.
You better have some birthdays.
I remember I wanted to quit my job at Frito-Lay.
Everybody, "Man, don't you quit that good job."
"That's a good job."
And the only person who made some sense was my mother when she was living.
I said, "Mama, I wanna quit my job."
I say, "And I wanna start doing comedy full-time."
She said, "Well, you can always get another job."
I didn't think of it like that.
She said, "You ain't no dummy."
I'm like, "Damn."
And man, let me tell you, I went down there the next morning,
put in a 30-day leave of absence.
Acted like I was going through something.
When I got it approved, my supervisor said, "You coming back?"
I said, "Boy, I want you to look at me real good."
I said, "Next time you see my face, I will be on TV."
And I ain't worked that job in 36 years.
And I'm gonna tell you something, man.
See, you know, like... like granddaddies, like my granddaddy, he was real mean.
I told you all about that.
But you know, they always tell you the right thing to do,
but they always doing the wrong thing.
My granddaddy died, 15 kids showed up from nowhere. What the fuck?
"That my daddy. That my daddy."
I'm talking about, I had to make sure he was dead.
I ain't lying.
He was in the cas-- I shook his ass, "Granddaddy."
"Granddaddy."
My cousin said, "He dead?" I said, "He dead."
My granddaddy, I'll tell you something.
That mother had a dick on him about this long.
I couldn't believe it. I'm about ten years old. My grandma say,
"Go give your granddaddy a bath." I'm like, "Give a man a bath?"
"What kinda shit is that?" Man, I get in the bathroom.
I got to put his dick in the tub first.
He's sitting in the tub, "Yeah, boy."
"I used to knock 'em down with this motherfucker."
I'm like, "Damn, granddaddy, when you die, can I have that motherfucker?"
"Where I can knock 'em down."
You can't jack a dick that long. You got to cock it.
Look at the women out there. "Where your granddaddy at?" He dead.
He's deader than motherfucker. He dead.
I'll tell you something else.
Like, when you get married, fellas, be careful when you get married, okay?
When you get married,
and if your woman have never been married before, be very careful.
Because with women's first wedding, they want it to be the bomb.
- Am I right? - Mm-hmm.
Let me tell you, ma'am.
And traditionally, the father's supposed to pay for the wedding.
Man, my wife now, I've been married before.
This is her first marriage.
And man, let me tell you.
Her father's passed away, so I told her,
"I'll take care of the wedding. Don't worry about that."
Not realizing what this shit costs.
You know what I'm saying?
After they started adding it up, renting the building, I'm near $100,000.
I said, "This is a lot of fucking money."
I had told my wife. Man, look, they go try on the dress.
Fellas, I don't know if you ever go when women try on dresses,
but they get on a stage just like this.
And she go to the back and try the dress on.
And all her family and friends be sitting out there.
They eating this shit. They got chicken, roast, everything.
And they be, "Ooh, that's so pretty."
"Oh, that's so pretty."
So my wife come home.
She done tried on about 15 dresses, you know what I'm saying?
And she told me, "Bruce, I'm gonna tell you, I found the dress."
I said, "Is this the one?" She said, "This is the one."
I say, "Really?" She said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm gonna tell you something."
"I ain't never seen nothing this pretty in my life."
I said, "Well, look, let me be honest with you."
I said, "I'm looking at everything that I gotta pay for."
And I said, "I told you I'd pay for everything."
I said, "But I'm finna spend $100,000."
I said, "Why don't you buy your dress yourself?"
"And I take you there."
She said, "Buy the dress myself?"
I said, "How much is the dress?" She said, "$10,000."
I said, "So you're looking at a dress you're gonna wear one motherfucking time?"
"$10,000." I said, "No, you go get a dress. Work it out."
Guess what happened. They went back to the drawing board.
Went back to try on some more dresses. They all eating, roasting.
"Ooh."
"Ah."
"That dress so pretty."
My wife come home and said, "Know what? You ain't gonna believe this."
"I found a dress. Looks just like the one I picked."
She said, "You won't believe it." I said, "For real?"
She said, "You can't tell 'em apart."
I said, "Well, shit, if that's it, that is your dress."
You know what I'm saying?
And she said, "Yeah, I'm glad I found it." I said, "How much is it?"
This motherfucker said, "$400."
Motherfucker told me $10,000.
And I'm gonna tell y'all something.
I'm real reasonable when it comes to stuff.
I told my wife. I said,
"If you ever wanna leave me, it'll be the easiest thing in the world."
"I ain't gonna cuss you out."
"'Bitch, I done this. Bitch, I done that.' I'm not doing that."
The only thing I want you to do is have enough respect and say, "Bruce,
I found somebody else. I want to be with them."
"I don't wanna be with you no more."
And I'm gonna look you dead in the eye and say, "Are you sure?"
And you gonna say, "Yes."
I'm gonna say, "Okay, we need to go on and break up."
"But let me tell you something."
"If you found somebody that treats you better than me,"
I said, "that is your fucking man."
"And if the motherfucker that good, bitch, I'm moving in too."
Ain't no sense in both of us being unhappy.
Am I right?
Let me tell you something.
I love children. Anybody love children?
I love 'em.
Let me tell you something, man. I got this little niece.
Let me tell you something. This girl done been here before.
She's four years old. She's smart.
She watch everything. She look at you.
She know her ABCs.
She know her colors.
She know how to count. Everything.
So she love my wife.
She call my wife "Titi."
She call me uncle. "Uncle."
You know, she be so excited.
"Uncle, come see me. When you coming home?"
So her and my wife are like twins, right?
So she love to take a bath.
So my wife put her in the tub.
She's in there with her rubber duckies playing.
So my wife take her out the tub
and rub her down with some lotion and stuff.
She says, "Titi, put some smelling good stuff on me."
So she got a little oil and put it on.
She said, "Uncle, smell my arm." I smell her arm. I say, "It smell good."
So my wife put on her clothes.
So my wife put her clothes on. She said, "Emily." Her name is Emily.
She said, "Did you pass gas?"
Emily looked at her serious. She said, "No."
"I shit."
I had to run out of the room.
My wife talking about, "That ain't funny." Yes, the fuck it is.
Because she knew how to say it and when to say it.
That girl, she always put her hand to her head.
She says, "I got a hi-dea."
Not an idea, a hi-dea
"I got a hi-dea."
Man, I took her on a cruise back here in December, right?
And I'm gonna tell you how smart she is. These kids are smart.
She was in our room.
When we closed our room door,
she looked back at the number on my room door.
This is how smart she is. And she remembered it.
So the next morning,
she gets on the ship phone and calls our room
'cause she remember the damn room number.
She said, "Uncle." I said, "What's up, baby?"
"You gonna come get me and take me to breakfast?"
I say, "Yeah."
I say, "Me and Titi will be around there in a minute."
So we go around there, and we knocked on the door.
Her mama answered the door.
And she got her sister, you know, in the bed, asleep. 350 easy.
And she got her aunt, 350 easy.
So both of them was in the bed, asleep together.
So we're getting ready to go out the door.
Emily stopped at the door and turned around and looked.
She said, "Uncle." I say, "What?"
She said, "They too big to be in that bed."
I said, "They are?" She said, "Look at 'em."
She said, "They big." I said, "Yeah, they big."
She said, "Yep."
"Just like you."
Now look, y'all.
Are y'all having fun?
Y'all having fun for real?
But look, I was told-- Look, I'm gonna do this.
Look, I don't have an ending joke
because I don't tell jokes.
I tell real life stories and make 'em funny.
So I'm not like the average comedian, do ending joke, holla, "Peace!"
"Thank you, God bless," walk off stage. I don't do that 'cause I don't tell jokes.
So basically, when I get through performing on stage,
I just kinda walk the fuck off.
Bruce!