1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
2
00:00:06,214 --> 00:00:08,675
[audience applauding, cheering]
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
4
00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:15,432
[emcee] Ladies and gentlemen,
y'all give it up for Bruce Bruce!
5
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:17,392
[up-tempo music playing]
6
00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:26,860
[audience chanting] Bruce!
7
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,319
What's up?
8
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,030
Chicago.
9
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:32,699
[cheering continues]
10
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,411
Nothing but love.
11
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:40,707
How's everything? Like a preacher
right there. You a preacher?
12
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:43,001
He like old bishop. "Good God Almighty."
13
00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,044
[audience laughing]
14
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,046
♪ Hey, hey ♪
15
00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:49,174
♪ You don't know like I know ♪
16
00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:52,385
I didn't say nothing about God,
but I sound good, didn't I, playa?
17
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,888
You about to give
your life to Christ again.
18
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:58,349
I'mma let y'all know
I'm stupid. I'm stupid for real.
19
00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:00,518
If I don't see you laughing,
I'll dive in the audience.
20
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:02,020
I ain't playing.
21
00:01:02,103 --> 00:01:03,354
I'm gonna dive sideways.
22
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,774
I'm gonna get me 12 people for real.
23
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:08,026
Somebody gonna be hurt up in here,
you hear me?
24
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:11,988
Somebody going to be
on the floor grunting. [grunts]
25
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,740
"Get him off me. Get him off me!"
26
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:16,534
Bishop, it's good to see you.
Everything all right?
27
00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:19,954
He like old bishop.
You know, "God is a good God."
28
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:21,956
"Yes, he is."
29
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,877
How you doing, girl?
I see you looking at me and everything.
30
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,588
You like ol' big boy, don't you?
Girl, don't you start now.
31
00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:29,672
[audience laughing]
32
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,466
Let me sit.
Can I sit down and talk to y'all?
33
00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:33,259
- [woman] Yeah!
- Y'all don't mind, do you?
34
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:35,887
- [audience] No.
- Boy, this Chicago, but it's Chicago.
35
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:37,138
[audience laughing]
36
00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:39,516
Ooh, best pizza in the world.
37
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:41,726
[audience cheering]
38
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,269
Best Polish sausage in the world.
39
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,813
[audience cheering]
40
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,398
Boy, there's something
about that Polish sausage.
41
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,609
When that mug pop when you bite it...
42
00:01:49,692 --> 00:01:51,611
♪ Oh, I am heaven ♪
43
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,782
Whoo, they got hamburgers
and Polish-- pork chop sandwiches.
44
00:01:55,865 --> 00:01:56,991
Am I right?
45
00:01:57,075 --> 00:02:01,412
I had four pork chop sandwiches,
eight Polish sausages, three hamburgers,
46
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:02,956
order of fries, and a Diet Coke.
47
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:04,499
[audience laughing]
48
00:02:04,582 --> 00:02:07,043
I didn't want to gain no weight,
you understand what I'm saying?
49
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,921
Wasn't nothing but protein, player,
you understand what I'm saying?
50
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,550
But you know, I love Chicago.
51
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,678
And, you know, I can't come up here
in the winter. Oh no.
52
00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:19,347
Whoo, it get too cold up here.
It get too cold.
53
00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:23,434
I came up here one time. Look,
we went by the Greyhound bus station.
54
00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:25,603
Wasn't no dogs on the bus, look.
55
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,147
[audience laughing]
56
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:30,525
We got on the bus, they were inside.
"Get your ass in here, man."
57
00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:32,861
"It's cold out there.
What is wrong with you?"
58
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,946
[audience laughing]
59
00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:37,574
Yes, indeed.
60
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,742
[audience laughing]
61
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,911
And you know what, man?
I... I love coming to Chicago.
62
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,455
Chicago, they keep it real.
Ain't no in-between in Chicago.
63
00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,833
- [woman] No.
- They either like you or they don't.
64
00:02:46,916 --> 00:02:49,878
Ain't no, "Oh, you aight."
Nah, bro, "You were terrible."
65
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,754
"You were good." That's it.
66
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:53,882
Chicago don't play.
67
00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:56,009
But you know, everybody,
I'mma tell you something.
68
00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:59,095
Everywhere you go,
everybody think their pastor can preach.
69
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,890
Especially Black people,
"Oh, my pastor can preach."
70
00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:04,517
"He can preach.
Oh Lord, my pastor can preach."
71
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:07,187
I get so tired of hearing that
everywhere I go.
72
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:09,189
We came up here about six months ago.
73
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,858
"I need y'all to come to my church.
My pastor can preach."
74
00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:14,319
I said, "I don't wanna hear that.
I've heard that every time."
75
00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:15,695
"He can preach."
76
00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:18,781
I told the guy, "Man, let's go over there
and see this preacher."
77
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:22,619
Man, we get over there, man,
the choir's singing and everything,
78
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:25,205
and the choir got through singing,
the preacher got up to speak.
79
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,415
We didn't know he whistled when he talked.
80
00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:28,833
[audience laughing]
81
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,877
He get up, "Let's give God the praise."
82
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,462
[whistling]
83
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:33,379
"God is... [whistles]
84
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,006
...getting ready to move." [whistles]
85
00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:36,299
"Hallelujah." [whistles]
86
00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:38,218
"And he's getting ready
to shift." [whistles]
87
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:39,636
"Glory to God." [whistles]
88
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,180
"And see when he shift,
thank you, Jesus." [whistles]
89
00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:43,514
"Glory to God."
90
00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:45,391
I looked at her,
and she said, "He can preach."
91
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:48,603
- I said, "He can whistle."
- [audience laughing]
92
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:53,316
[whistling] "Yes, yes, yes."
93
00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:54,776
"God is a good God." [whistles]
94
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,444
"Yes, he is." [whistles]
95
00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:58,238
You need to get that whistle
out your throat.
96
00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,990
I thought he had a puppy up on the pulpit.
I didn't...
97
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,159
[audience laughing]
98
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,744
[laughing]
99
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:09,290
And let me tell you, man,
I've been doing comedy for a long time,
100
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:13,378
and I still enjoy doing stand-up
if I started yesterday,
101
00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:17,548
but I study and I watch a lot of people,
and that's how you learn something.
102
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,968
Let me tell you something.
That Eddie Murphy,
103
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:25,306
in his prime, this man was a genius.
104
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,641
- Am I right?
- [audience cheers]
105
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:30,270
[spluttering] Hey, and I'm not saying
he's not one now.
106
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:31,604
I know he is.
107
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:34,565
- Everything he touched was just excellent.
- [fan] Yes!
108
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:35,984
Except for one movie.
109
00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,444
It was called Pluto Nash.
110
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,488
- Y'all remember that shit?
- [audience exclaims]
111
00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:42,448
Oh my God, Eddie should've killed himself.
112
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,409
- It was terrible.
- [audience laughing]
113
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:45,368
Oh my God.
114
00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:48,204
But everything else from 48 Hrs.,
Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places,
115
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,373
Coming to America, brilliant.
116
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:51,457
[woman] Brilliant.
117
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,501
But that Harlem Nights,
let me tell you something.
118
00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:55,920
[audience cheering]
119
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,674
When I tell you
that man did his homework in that movie.
120
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:02,844
That movie was funny
from the beginning to the end.
121
00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,470
Every scene in that movie was funny.
122
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:07,390
Remember? Remember it first came on,
they were gambling?
123
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,185
Tall dude said, "I'm gonna send
all you motherfuckers home, bro!"
124
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,603
[audience laughing]
125
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:13,938
He looked at that little boy.
126
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:16,441
He said, "Hey, man,
what the fuck this kid doing here?"
127
00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:19,068
"Didn't I tell you
kids bring me bad luck?"
128
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:24,032
He looked at the little boy, he said,
"Get out of here before I kick your ass."
129
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:27,618
That little boy looked at him and said,
"You ain't gonna kick shit."
130
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,662
- Remember that?
- [audience laughing]
131
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,956
Remember that? They said,
"You got a girl you can put on?"
132
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,709
He said, "Sugar,
I got a girl whose pussy's so good...
133
00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:35,918
[fan exclaims]
134
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:39,714
...you throw it up in the air
and it turn to sunshine."
135
00:05:39,797 --> 00:05:40,757
[audience laughing]
136
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,217
Everybody in the room looked up
in the air. They went...
137
00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:45,678
[audience laughing]
138
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:49,807
The champ came to the club, they said,
"The champ is here." Like... [splutters]
139
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:54,687
They said, "You ready?"
"Ready? Well, shit yeah, I'm ready."
140
00:05:54,771 --> 00:06:00,693
They said, "We got a lot of money here."
He said, "Well..." [spluttering]
141
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,195
"Y'all about to be some rich niggas
142
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:04,238
'cause I'm knocking somebody
the fuck out."
143
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,656
"You understand what I'm saying?"
144
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,825
And the reason
I'm talking about these people, y'all,
145
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,203
I've been in that business so long.
146
00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:13,289
I knew every actor
in that movie personally,
147
00:06:13,998 --> 00:06:16,751
but I realized
a lot of them have passed away.
148
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:19,045
Like the tall dude that was gambling?
149
00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:20,922
He died about eight years ago.
150
00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:22,840
- Richard Pryor.
- [audience] Yeah.
151
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:24,384
- Redd Foxx.
- [audience] Yeah.
152
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,968
- Della Reese.
- [audience] Yeah.
153
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,345
- Charlie Murphy.
- [audience] Yeah.
154
00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:29,180
- Reynaldo Rey.
- [audience] Yeah.
155
00:06:29,263 --> 00:06:30,723
- Tommy Ford.
- [audience] Yeah.
156
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,266
- Robin Harris.
- [audience] Yeah.
157
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,685
And I'm sitting here
thinking to myself, man,
158
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:37,063
I'm glad
I wasn't in that goddamn movie, man.
159
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,148
[audience applauding, laughing]
160
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:47,240
Look, I know it's messed up, right?
161
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:51,202
But y'all right with me, "Uh-huh, uh-huh."
162
00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:53,287
They are gone.
163
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:54,414
Am I right?
164
00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:58,126
And y'all know
I'm from Atlanta, Georgia, right?
165
00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,586
Now I know
y'all know the group OutKast, right?
166
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,797
And if you ever noticed
anything OutKast ever did,
167
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,383
TV, film, video, I've been in it.
168
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:06,968
I'm like their big brother.
169
00:07:07,051 --> 00:07:09,720
First movie I did with 'em
was called Idlewild.
170
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:11,931
Remember I was in that with Patti LaBelle.
171
00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:14,809
Second movie I did with 'em
was called Who's Your Caddy?
172
00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:17,103
I was the bookie on the golf course.
You remember that?
173
00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:20,398
Then I did a video
with them called "So Fresh, So Clean."
174
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:21,441
You remember the song.
175
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:24,026
♪ Ain't nobody dope as me ♪
176
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:27,530
♪ I dress so fresh, so
So fresh and so clean ♪
177
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:28,990
You know the song.
178
00:07:29,073 --> 00:07:31,451
They call me like, "Bruce,
you're like our big brother, man."
179
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,161
"Got this new video,
want you to be in it."
180
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:35,246
"Only thing we want you to do is
dress like a pimp."
181
00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:38,124
I ain't got no problem with that
'cause I got pimp tendencies.
182
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:39,208
[audience laughing]
183
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,918
Don't know if y'all remember
what I had on,
184
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:45,506
but I had on a lavender Versace suit
with some lavender gators.
185
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,884
Boy, I was clean as hospital carpet.
You hear me, playa?
186
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:52,513
But I get to the video shoot not knowing
it was real pimps in the video.
187
00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:56,350
Don't know if y'all ever been around pimps
and stuff, but they be talking shit,
188
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:59,770
making shit rhyme,
but they be dead-ass serious.
189
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,691
I get there. There's a pimp from Cleveland
named Good Game.
190
00:08:03,774 --> 00:08:06,152
Another pimp from DC named JuJu.
191
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,946
Then Pimpin' Ken walks up.
He give me a dap like this.
192
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:10,114
"What's up, Pimpin'?"
193
00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:12,867
- [audience laughing]
- I said, "What's happening, man?"
194
00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:16,871
He said, "You know it's a treat
when two players meet, you understand?"
195
00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:18,498
[audience laughing]
196
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:22,752
I said, "Man, I appreciate that."
He said, "Shit. A pimp, pimp, hooray."
197
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:24,086
[audience laughing]
198
00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:27,256
What makes it so bad, he was dead serious.
Then he looked at me.
199
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,133
He said,
"Look here, pimp, pimp, playa, playa,
200
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:30,927
I got every color suit in the closet."
201
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,678
"I don't have a lavender suit."
202
00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:35,973
"You don't mind if I have one made
'cause you tearing that mug up right now."
203
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,683
I said,
"No, let's do this thing together."
204
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,602
He said, "I appreciate it, Pimpin'."
205
00:08:40,102 --> 00:08:42,355
"Ain't no thing but a chicken wing."
206
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,107
"You drop it in the grease,
I give you a piece."
207
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,193
"You understand what I'm saying?"
208
00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:48,402
I said, "Where you headin'?"
209
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:51,822
He said, "I'm finna get these switches
and go whoop these bitches."
210
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:52,990
[audience laughing]
211
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,952
Man, this man had on a mink coat
that dragged the crown like a train,
212
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:56,953
like a wedding dress.
213
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,829
He had three women holding
the back of the coat
214
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,122
as he walked around the shoot.
215
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,374
I said, "Pimpin' Ken, hold on,
216
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:04,168
you got these three young ladies holding
your coat as you walk around?"
217
00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,003
He didn't look at them. He looked at me.
218
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,631
He said, "These bitches better not let
this coat hit the ground."
219
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:09,715
[audience laughing]
220
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:12,885
Boy, I got so hyped up off that shit.
Let me tell you something, y'all.
221
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:16,430
I got home. I got me a king-size blanket.
222
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,391
[audience laughing]
223
00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:19,559
I throw that mug over me.
224
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,978
I told my wife,
"Bitch, pick that blanket up."
225
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:25,982
"And you better not let it hit
the motherfucking ground."
226
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:28,025
My wife looked at me and said,
227
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:30,361
"Bruce, if don't sit your fat ass
over in that chair there,
228
00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:32,071
look at the TV
and leave me the fuck alone,
229
00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:34,407
I'm gonna cuss your ass out.
Do you understand me?"
230
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,784
I said, "Well, damn."
231
00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:39,579
She said, "A pimp, pimp, hooray."
232
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,664
[audience laughing]
233
00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:43,916
Let me tell y'all something.
234
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,919
I'm gonna to tell you the truth.
I'm a lot older than what I look.
235
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,630
I'm old. I got three very grown children.
236
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,259
- My baby girl is 39.
- [audience murmuring]
237
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:56,095
- My baby boy is 41.
- [man] Yeah!
238
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,264
My oldest son is 44.
239
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:01,183
Oh, I used to lay that dick down.
240
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,476
[audience laughing]
241
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,770
Ooh, I used to fuck
like they're tearing the sidewalks up.
242
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:11,402
You know what I'm talking about?
[imitating jackhammer]
243
00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:13,654
[audience laughing]
244
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,700
All that shit gone.
245
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,452
[audience laughing]
246
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:20,911
My wife lucky if she get this.
247
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,038
Boop.
248
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,332
[audience laughing]
249
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:27,460
And they got shit you can take,
but it don't work for everybody.
250
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:31,922
Man, I took a Viagra,
everything got hard but my dick.
251
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,257
[audience laughing]
252
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,093
My arm, my elbow,
my back, my nipple, my stomach,
253
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:39,096
my thigh, my knee,
my leg, my ankle, my foot.
254
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,183
I had to foot fuck my wife to death.
255
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:45,686
[audience laughing]
256
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,189
What make it so bad,
she don't even want me no more.
257
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:50,483
She want some foot.
You hear what I'm saying?
258
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:52,401
[audience laughing]
259
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,321
Now, to all you young couples in here
that got these teenage kids,
260
00:10:55,404 --> 00:10:57,365
I got something I wanna say to you.
261
00:10:57,448 --> 00:11:00,951
This is the time in their life
for you to be their parent.
262
00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:03,287
Not to be their friend.
263
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:06,749
I'm so tired of hearing that.
It's like, "That's my best friend."
264
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,418
No, they're your best friend
when they move and get out your house.
265
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,796
These kids don't wanna do nothing,
but they want everything,
266
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:16,175
iPhone, iPad, clothes, shoes,
money, cars, and they want you to buy it.
267
00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:18,177
You tell 'em, "Go and cut the grass."
268
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:19,178
"Cut the grass?"
269
00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:20,680
[audience laughing]
270
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:22,348
"I ain't no yardman."
271
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:26,435
I don't know about y'all. When I grew up,
we didn't have no yardman.
272
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,561
You know why?
273
00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,397
I was the yardman.
274
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:32,900
I used to cut grass
with a lawn mower with no motor.
275
00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:34,694
[audience laughing]
276
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:38,030
That mower worked
the shit out of you. [grunting]
277
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,700
My aunt got up
every Saturday morning to cook.
278
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:41,909
Wasn't hitting those streets.
279
00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:44,328
I had to hit that yard. Hit them hedges.
280
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:46,914
Wasn't no electric hedger.
I had to manually do it.
281
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:49,625
Sweep the driveway. Wasn't no blowers.
I had to sweep that mother.
282
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,795
Then wash my uncle's car.
Then go cut the backyard.
283
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,506
Then my aunt come out there
and inspect it like she a drill sergeant.
284
00:11:55,589 --> 00:11:57,591
"Let me see what you done did out here."
285
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:00,469
"You done?" I'm like, "Yes, ma'am."
286
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,763
"Well, let me find you
something else to do."
287
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,683
"Lady, I will bust you dead in the chest."
288
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,145
"I've been out here since 8:15.
It's 5:46. I'm tired."
289
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,272
It ain't the kid's fault.
It's the parent's fault.
290
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,858
Grandparent now, 35, 36.
291
00:12:14,358 --> 00:12:16,193
Great-grandparent, 47, 48.
292
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:19,238
See, when I grew up,
I grew up with grandparents.
293
00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:22,116
I was so scared of my granddaddy,
I didn't know what to do.
294
00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:24,034
Then my granddad was weird-looking.
295
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,578
[audience laughing]
296
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,581
That mother was 6'5",
Black as a motherfucker.
297
00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:32,460
He was so Black,
his first name should've been Pitch.
298
00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:34,587
[audience laughing]
299
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,672
But let me tell you
what's weird about him.
300
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,925
This joker was jet Black
with royal blue eyes.
301
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:43,304
That mutha look at you,
you'd drop your head like a runaway slave.
302
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,556
And he was never impressed
with nothing you did,
303
00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:48,392
anything you did,
you should have done it better.
304
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,227
I was in the fifth grade,
I made straight A's,
305
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,479
thought I was the shit, right?
306
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:54,064
Going through the neighborhood,
showing everybody my report card.
307
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,066
My granddaddy run up on me
like he was excited.
308
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,944
He said, "Boy, you made straight A's?"
309
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,946
I said, "Yes, sir."
310
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:05,493
He looked me dead in my eye.
He said, "Boy, that ain't shit."
311
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,036
[audience laughing]
312
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,245
I'm like, "What can I do?"
313
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:11,373
He said, "I'll give you a test."
I'm like, "Test?" He said, "Yes, test."
314
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,418
He said, "Say your ABCs."
I said to myself, "This ain't nothing."
315
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:18,297
I throw them ABCs out there,
he said, "All right, say 'em backwards."
316
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:19,423
[audience exclaims, laughs]
317
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:24,720
I'm like, "Granddad, uh, they don't
make us say it like that in school."
318
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,972
He didn't ask questions,
just slapped the shit out of me.
319
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:28,140
Pow!
320
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,059
I was like, "Z, Y, W...
321
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:31,685
[audience laughing]
322
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:33,187
...Q, M, R, K,
323
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,481
N, O, T,
324
00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:36,398
C, B, A."
325
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:37,733
[audience laughing]
326
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,070
He looked me straight in my eyes.
He said, "Well, all right then."
327
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:44,031
I'm like, "So this motherfucker
didn't know either, did he?"
328
00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:45,658
[audience laughing]
329
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:48,285
"Putting all that pressure on me,
you dumb motherfucker."
330
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:53,541
And everybody in this room,
when you was young, you had a best friend.
331
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:55,084
Everybody had a best friend.
332
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,920
Had a best friend named Barry, man.
We were about 10 or 11.
333
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:01,006
Barry and I used to go to the park
every Saturday after I cut the grass.
334
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,050
On the way to the park was
on the way to his house.
335
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:05,636
He said, "You go to the park,
stop by the crib, we walk together."
336
00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:07,137
I said, "All right. We boys."
337
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,890
So as I'm walking to the park,
walking to Barry's house,
338
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,142
I hear Barry in the house
arguing with somebody.
339
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:13,853
He wasn't arguing. He was going off.
340
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:16,897
Now, y'all gotta understand,
we 10 or 11 years old.
341
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:20,276
I knocked on the door, I said,
"Hey, man, who you talking to like that?"
342
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,194
He said, "My mama." I said, "Damn."
343
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:26,031
I said, "You talk to your mama like that?"
He said, "Man, fuck that shit."
344
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:27,449
I said, "Does it work?"
345
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,535
He said, "Shit,
we going to the park, ain't we?"
346
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,996
I started thinking about that shit.
347
00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:33,247
[audience laughing]
348
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:35,833
"I'm gonna try that shit with my mama,
you know what I'm saying?"
349
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,878
About three, four weeks went by,
me and my mama got into it,
350
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:41,046
I started talking shit and walked off.
351
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,008
Man, my mama ran up behind me
and put me in a sleeper hold.
352
00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:45,217
[audience laughing]
353
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:46,635
And whispered in my ear, she said,
354
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,346
"If you see the light,
walk to it, motherfucker."
355
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,682
[audience laughing]
356
00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:54,268
I'm like, "Damn,
I didn't know she was a murderer."
357
00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:55,644
[audience laughing]
358
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,688
Y'all know mamas didn't play that shit.
359
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,233
My mama used to tell me, "Bruce,
we going over to these people's houses,
360
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,235
you show out on me,
we gonna do it together."
361
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,239
"We get there, and they ask,
'Want something to eat?' you say no."
362
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:10,367
"They ask, 'Want something to drink?'
you say no."
363
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,119
I said no to everything but some cake.
364
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:13,621
Let me have some cake?
365
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:15,664
"Bruce, you want some cake?"
366
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:16,582
[groans]
367
00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:20,336
[audience laughing]
368
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:21,629
"Do you want some cake?"
369
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:27,217
Bitch, I'm saying, "Yes, no," goddamn it.
370
00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:31,805
And every parent in here is guilty
of this, even I'm guilty.
371
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:34,767
I wish my mother would've asked me this
when we was young.
372
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,310
"What y'all want for dinner?"
373
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:40,522
Kids call out stuff now.
"Burger King, McDonald's, Taco Bell."
374
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,274
My mama cooked, you ate.
375
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,861
You didn't know what it was.
You're like, "Mama, this food good."
376
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,657
- "Whatever this bullshit is."
- [audience laughing]
377
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,700
I'mma tell you, man,
and I'mma tell you something.
378
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,328
I know a lot of you people here
homeschooling your kids.
379
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:57,873
That's cool,
but kids need to be around other kids.
380
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,876
Homeschooled kids is weird
as a motherfucker.
381
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,336
[audience laughing]
382
00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:05,422
See, kids need to hear the shit I heard
every day in the fifth grade.
383
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:08,467
"When that bell ring at three o'clock,
I'mma beat your ass."
384
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,302
[audience laughing]
385
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,471
And these was girls telling me this shit.
386
00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:13,931
[audience laughing]
387
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:15,015
Let me tell you something.
388
00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:17,643
I had more fun in school
than I had anywhere.
389
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:20,104
I mean, kids don't know
how to have fun no more.
390
00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:21,188
You mess with a child now,
391
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,732
they'll go get a gun,
come the next day and kill your ass.
392
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,569
If I was a child, I know I'd be dead
because I fucked with everybody.
393
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:30,614
When I was in the fifth grade, there was
a girl who had a ponytail that long...
394
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:31,824
[audience laughing]
395
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:33,450
...with a rubber band around it.
396
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,912
I walked behind her and said,
"Bitch, how did they do that?"
397
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,372
[audience laughing]
398
00:16:38,455 --> 00:16:41,250
She said, "Do what?"
I said, "Make that oxtail right there."
399
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:46,046
I said, "Girl, you can stand on your head,
your hair still won't touch the floor."
400
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,965
She said, "When that bell ring
at three o'clock,
401
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,134
I'm gonna beat your ass."
402
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,886
I said, "You ain't gonna do shit."
403
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:55,597
Man, the bell rung, I broke out running.
404
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,350
I didn't know she was a track star.
405
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,227
I said, "She finna catch me."
406
00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:01,812
Man, that girl beat the shit out of me.
407
00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:04,773
Look, she had me on the ground,
said, "What's up now, motherfucker?"
408
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,526
I said, "Your hair still shorter
than a motherfucker."
409
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:09,194
[audience laughing]
410
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,197
Kids don't know how to have fun, man.
411
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:16,827
Am I right? You remember... You remember
you had school clothes and play clothes?
412
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:17,911
Remember that shit?
413
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:19,371
Your mama said,
414
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,999
"When you get home from school,
put your play clothes on now."
415
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,835
"Don't let me come home
and see you with them school clothes on."
416
00:17:24,918 --> 00:17:28,297
And the play clothes was the shit you had
about, you know, three years ago.
417
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:29,381
[audience laughing]
418
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:32,176
Sleeves too short and the pants too short.
419
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:34,636
You in the front yard
looking like the Incredible Hulk.
420
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,722
[audience laughing]
421
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:39,141
You'd tell your friend, "Wanna play?"
422
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,018
No, you look stronger
than a motherfucker, man.
423
00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:42,895
[audience laughing]
424
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:48,942
And see, we gotta go back
to raising our kids, man.
425
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,403
When I grew up,
my uncle taught me how to cook.
426
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:54,323
One aunt taught me how to clean up.
Another taught me how to wash clothes.
427
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,283
My mother taught me
how to keep my ass clean.
428
00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:59,495
My mother said, "Don't no woman want
no stinking-ass man?"
429
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:03,582
Man, I was in there taking a shower,
my mama ran there, "Hold on!"
430
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:06,168
"Let me show you how to wash your ass."
"Wait a minute. Hold on."
431
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:09,338
"I'm 17 now. Don't do that shit."
432
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,799
[audience laughing]
433
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:13,592
Now look, I'm talking to all the men.
434
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,344
Men, if you do this, clap.
435
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:17,096
If you don't do it, don't clap.
436
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:21,016
How many men in this room
spoiled their woman?
437
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:23,352
[scattered applause]
438
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:24,645
Six guys.
439
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,063
[audience laughing]
440
00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:29,024
That guy over there sitting on his hand,
"Fuck this shit."
441
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:35,114
Fellas, it's your job and your duty
to spoil your woman.
442
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:36,698
Am I right?
443
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:38,450
I say, am I right?
444
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:39,576
[audience cheering]
445
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:44,206
And ladies, it's your job and your duty
to spoil him back.
446
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:45,541
[audience applauding, cheering]
447
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,459
This ain't no one-side thing.
448
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,838
I... I tell you what... I tell you what,
let me tell you what kind of man I am.
449
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:54,424
Now fellas, listen
to the women's reactions when I say this.
450
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:59,680
I am a very, very, very controlling man.
451
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:02,099
You heard that lady, "Mmm."
452
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:03,642
[audience laughing]
453
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:06,019
You heard that lady,
"I used to like your fat ass."
454
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,440
I ain't talking about control like that.
You can't control a grown woman.
455
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:11,817
I'm saying I'm the type of person
456
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,194
who can make shit happen
even if I'm not there.
457
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,864
All you gotta do is pop that whip,
goddamn it, I'll make that trip,
458
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,282
you understand what I'm saying?
459
00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:20,325
See, one thing I learned about women,
460
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,370
women like when a man take control
and know what he's doing.
461
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:24,580
- Am I right?
- [women] Yeah!
462
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,248
I'm out of town four, five months ago,
463
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,292
ready to go on stage,
my wife called, "Hey, Bruce."
464
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:30,502
I said, "What's up?"
"I think I'm catching a flat tire."
465
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,588
I said, "How you know
you catching a flat tire?"
466
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:34,298
She said,
"My tire pressure light came on."
467
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,759
- I said, "Goddamn it, where you at?"
- She said, "I'm on the highway."
468
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,553
I said, "Level up
and pull up on the light."
469
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,472
I said, "You got your pistol?"
I taught her how to shoot.
470
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:43,390
She said, "I got it."
471
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:47,019
I said, "Let me call my boy. He do
24-hour call service. I'll call you back."
472
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:48,437
I called my boy. I said, "Player."
473
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,189
He said, "Talk to me, Pimpin'."
474
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:54,860
I said, "My wife got a flat tire."
He said, "Goddamn it, where she at?"
475
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:56,862
I told him where she was.
476
00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,989
He said, "Tell her I'll be there
in 15 to 20 minutes."
477
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:01,992
I called her back. I said, "Baby,
he said he'd be there in 15 to 20 minutes,
478
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,077
but meanwhile,
I'm gonna keep talking to you
479
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:04,995
till he get there."
480
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:06,330
See what I'm saying?
481
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,415
Because see, I'm a motherfucking player.
482
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:10,292
[audience laughing]
483
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:14,421
[audience applauding, cheering]
484
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,757
From the Himalayas,
you understand what I'm saying?
485
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,009
So I'm talking to her and talking to her.
486
00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,345
He pulled up in a truck,
opened the trunk, took out a tire,
487
00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:23,180
changed the tire, put the old tire back,
488
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:25,724
got to the glass
and say, "You ready to go."
489
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:27,559
She said,
"You done changed the tire already?"
490
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:31,396
He said, "Shit. Bruce popped that whip.
Goddamn it, I had to make that trip."
491
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,439
[audience laughing]
492
00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:34,316
She said, "How much I owe?"
He said, "Nothing."
493
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,568
"He said he'll take care of me
when he get back in town."
494
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:40,530
So ladies, when I talk about control,
that's what the fuck I'm talking about.
495
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:43,242
- [audience cheering]
- You understand what I'm saying?
496
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:44,451
So let me tell you something.
497
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:48,247
See, I pay all the bills at my house.
I'm not bragging. I'm just able to do it.
498
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,207
But if I fall short,
that bitch better catch me.
499
00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:53,210
[audience laughing]
500
00:20:53,794 --> 00:20:56,004
If she don't... If she don't,
501
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,674
I'm gonna turn into an umpire
in that motherfucker.
502
00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:00,342
Bitch, you are out of here.
503
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:01,718
[audience laughing]
504
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:02,970
I don't play that shit.
505
00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:07,766
I didn't take recess in school
because I don't motherfucking play.
506
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:09,726
[audience laughing]
507
00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:11,103
And so let me tell you something.
508
00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:13,105
See, a lot of you guys got
foreplay mixed up.
509
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:15,524
A lot of y'all think foreplay is
something you do before sex.
510
00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:16,900
- Who taught you that?
- [woman] No.
511
00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:20,112
A lot of y'all think foreplay is
feeling on your woman, licking on her.
512
00:21:20,195 --> 00:21:22,197
[smacks lips] Let me tell you
what that's called.
513
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,908
That is called feeling on your woman,
licking on her.
514
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,785
[audience laughing]
515
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:30,080
See, foreplay is done 24 hours a day.
516
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:33,333
Dealing with your woman on a daily basis.
517
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:36,461
See, one thing you gotta understand
about women, women got mood swings,
518
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:39,006
and fellas,
you got to move with that swing.
519
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,717
See, you should be so in tune
with your woman,
520
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,010
you should know something wrong
521
00:21:43,093 --> 00:21:45,512
from her body language
and her face expression.
522
00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:46,930
I had gotten in town on a Monday,
523
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:49,641
my wife walking in from work
all frowned up. I said, "What's wrong?"
524
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:50,976
"Bruce, I'll tell you right now,
525
00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:53,770
these people in this job
are gonna make me fuck their ass up."
526
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:58,191
I said, "You need me to go down there
tomorrow and fuck up four or five people?"
527
00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:00,110
I said, "'Cause you know I'd do it."
528
00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:02,195
She walked off smiling, look.
529
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:06,033
[audience laughing]
530
00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:08,243
"You ain't got to go down now."
531
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:09,494
[audience laughing]
532
00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:11,872
She don't realize
I ain't finna get the fuck out the chair,
533
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:13,165
you understand I'm saying?
534
00:22:13,248 --> 00:22:16,001
But I got her thinking
I'm finna tear somebody ass up.
535
00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:20,255
But what turned her on,
I realized something was wrong.
536
00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:23,550
Ladies, one thing y'all gotta start doin'
is stepping to the plate
537
00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:25,260
when it's time to get in that bed now.
538
00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:27,721
Y'all be like,
"I don't like doing it like that."
539
00:22:27,804 --> 00:22:29,306
"Well, bitch, you finna lose."
540
00:22:29,389 --> 00:22:30,640
[audience laughing]
541
00:22:30,724 --> 00:22:32,517
You're on a losing team.
542
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:34,227
There's some girls out there
on ready, set.
543
00:22:34,311 --> 00:22:36,271
- All I gotta do is say, "Go."
- [fan] Go!
544
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,023
[audience laughing]
545
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,068
And let me tell y'all something.
Y'all listen to me, fellas.
546
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:43,445
When I tell you women don't miss shit,
547
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:46,198
women see everything.
548
00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:50,952
Lot of time they don't say nothing,
but women see everything.
549
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:53,413
I had to leave LA one time.
It was on a red-eye.
550
00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:55,457
I'll never forget.
It was on a Saturday night.
551
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:58,460
Got back in Atlanta
Sunday morning about 5 a.m.
552
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:00,420
Went home, laid down,
slept about a couple hours,
553
00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:01,880
My wife said, "Let's go to church."
554
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:04,091
I got no problem going to church,
but the problem I got,
555
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,343
soon as I hit the church doors,
it's all over the church,
556
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:08,261
"Bruce Bruce in church."
557
00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,222
So we sitting down,
people walking by speaking,
558
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:11,723
"Hey, Bruce Bruce." I'm like, "Hey."
559
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,350
"Hey, Bruce Bruce." I'm like, "Hey."
560
00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:15,143
"Hey, Bruce Bruce." I'm like, "Hey."
561
00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:16,686
"Hey, Bruce Bruce." I'm like, "Hey."
562
00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:18,397
"Hey, Bruce Bruce." I'm like, "Hey."
563
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,025
My wife said, "That bitch walk past here
one more time..."
564
00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:23,902
[audience laughing]
565
00:23:23,985 --> 00:23:25,654
I said, "Who?"
She said, "That bitch there."
566
00:23:25,737 --> 00:23:29,074
"I done told her.
I'm gonna drag her stupid ass in here."
567
00:23:30,158 --> 00:23:32,661
I said, "Baby, calm down.
You're cussin' in church."
568
00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:33,745
"Fuck her."
569
00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:35,580
[audience laughing]
570
00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:38,125
I said, "You can't drag nobody in church."
"Why I can't?"
571
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:40,877
"First of all, that's the pastor's wife.
Don't fuck with her."
572
00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:42,295
[audience laughing]
573
00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:44,923
Hey, fellas, women do look at other men,
574
00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:48,385
but they don't look at men
like men look at women.
575
00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:51,179
See, when a man sees a fine woman,
he zoom in on her.
576
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:53,849
He start talking to himself,
fucking in place, "Lord have mercy."
577
00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:55,517
[audience laughing]
578
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,686
"Whoo! God been good to that girl."
579
00:23:57,769 --> 00:23:59,438
♪ God is a good God ♪
580
00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:01,606
See, women are nothing like that.
581
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,650
Women are very discreet
about what they do.
582
00:24:03,733 --> 00:24:04,985
This man can be with this woman,
583
00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:07,112
she'd look at a man 50 times,
you wouldn't know it.
584
00:24:07,195 --> 00:24:09,448
You know why?
Because she ain't finna stare at him.
585
00:24:09,531 --> 00:24:11,116
But she gonna glance at him every second.
586
00:24:11,199 --> 00:24:13,660
[audience laughing]
587
00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:23,503
Then she gonna act
like she's doing her hair,
588
00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:25,338
but she's really looking
between her fingers.
589
00:24:25,422 --> 00:24:27,632
[audience laughing]
590
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:29,092
Let me tell you something, fellas.
591
00:24:29,176 --> 00:24:31,011
There's a way for you
to look at another woman
592
00:24:31,094 --> 00:24:32,679
while you with your woman.
593
00:24:32,762 --> 00:24:34,514
I'm finna tell you how.
Can I tell you how?
594
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:35,974
- [fan] Yes!
- I'll tell you what.
595
00:24:36,057 --> 00:24:39,561
Let's say you and your woman left dinner,
left the movies, or left a comedy show.
596
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,938
Y'all get in the car, start driving.
Fellas, you're driving.
597
00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:44,691
You're coming down the street.
You're coming to a red light.
598
00:24:44,774 --> 00:24:47,277
The light is getting ready
to turn red for you. What you do?
599
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,863
When you get to the light,
you see a fine woman on the corner.
600
00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:51,490
What you do? You zoom in on her.
601
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,325
Start talking to yourself,
"Lord have mercy."
602
00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:54,618
[audience laughing]
603
00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:56,703
"Whoo! God been good to that girl."
604
00:24:56,786 --> 00:24:58,371
♪ God is a good God ♪
605
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:00,040
But you don't realize,
606
00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:02,292
your woman already saw this bitch
two lights back.
607
00:25:02,375 --> 00:25:04,044
You understand what I'm saying?
608
00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:07,214
'Cause see, women don't miss shit.
609
00:25:08,423 --> 00:25:10,550
For you to look at this woman
while you with your woman,
610
00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:13,261
all you gotta do, when that light change
for her to cross the street,
611
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
all you gotta do is
act like you don't like what she got on.
612
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:17,057
[audience laughing]
613
00:25:17,140 --> 00:25:18,183
Do like this.
614
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:21,144
"Look at that bullshit
this bitch got on right here."
615
00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:24,022
"If you ever come out the house
dressed like that,
616
00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:25,190
I'm gonna beat your ass."
617
00:25:25,273 --> 00:25:26,316
"Look at her!"
618
00:25:27,150 --> 00:25:28,109
"Look at her!"
619
00:25:29,152 --> 00:25:30,153
"Look at her!"
620
00:25:31,112 --> 00:25:32,155
"Look at her!"
621
00:25:32,656 --> 00:25:34,574
"Whoo! God been good to that girl."
622
00:25:34,658 --> 00:25:35,825
"Look at her!"
623
00:25:35,909 --> 00:25:37,661
♪ God is a good God ♪
624
00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:39,371
[audience laughing]
625
00:25:39,454 --> 00:25:40,622
I'm gonna tell you something.
626
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,208
There's a certain thing
women won't do around you for a year
627
00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:44,793
when they first meet you.
628
00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:45,961
And that's fart.
629
00:25:47,087 --> 00:25:49,798
Women-- Oh, go take
a new woman out tomorrow.
630
00:25:49,881 --> 00:25:51,508
Get in your car.
Fellas, you start driving.
631
00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:53,385
Look over there. She's looking like this.
632
00:25:53,468 --> 00:25:55,470
[audience laughing]
633
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:58,056
You like, "Baby, you all right?"
"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."
634
00:25:58,139 --> 00:26:00,350
"My sinuses." It ain't her sinuses.
635
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:01,268
She got to fart,
636
00:26:01,351 --> 00:26:05,146
but she would let her head explode
before she'd do it.
637
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:08,358
Men, it's the complete opposite.
We'll lift our ass up driving.
638
00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:10,652
[imitates noisy flatulence]
639
00:26:11,278 --> 00:26:14,030
Look straight at her.
"Had to let it out. Had to let it out."
640
00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:17,284
Shit, my wife would fart
and look at me like the fuck I did it.
641
00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:18,326
[audience laughing]
642
00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:19,786
Walk past me in the hallway.
643
00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:21,621
"You heard that?"
I said, "I heard something."
644
00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:22,747
[audience laughing]
645
00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:25,667
One time she farted in sections,
and I didn't know this could happen.
646
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:28,837
It was three different farts,
and the last fart was powerful.
647
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,298
So I know she pushed it out.
You know what I'm saying?
648
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:33,425
I'm sitting in the bedroom looking at TV.
She came in.
649
00:26:33,508 --> 00:26:35,802
Rawr, rawr.
650
00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:37,220
[exclaims]
651
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:38,179
[audience laughing]
652
00:26:38,263 --> 00:26:40,765
She said, "You heard that?"
I said, "Bitch, I heard a trumpet."
653
00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:44,227
I said, "I cannot believe
that came out your little bitty ass."
654
00:26:44,311 --> 00:26:46,313
[audience laughing]
655
00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:53,945
And let me tell you something.
656
00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:55,572
And I mean it.
657
00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:58,658
I'm gonna say 95%, but it might be 100%.
658
00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:01,036
95% of women love to shop.
659
00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:04,122
It might be 100, but let's just say 95%.
660
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:05,957
Let me tell you something.
661
00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:07,250
I can tell you just as good
662
00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:10,378
when my wife at home
looking at clothes, shoes, and purses,
663
00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:12,797
I know it
because she sound like Biggie Smalls.
664
00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:15,425
She be online. I be in the bedroom.
665
00:27:15,508 --> 00:27:17,594
I hear that motherfucker
in the back office... [moans]
666
00:27:17,677 --> 00:27:19,262
[audience laughing]
667
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:20,680
I'm like, "What the fuck is that?"
668
00:27:20,764 --> 00:27:21,806
[moans]
669
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:23,016
[audience laughing]
670
00:27:23,099 --> 00:27:24,684
"I love it when you..." [moans]
671
00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:26,728
I said, "Hold up."
I said, "What's going on there?"
672
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:28,980
"I'm in here looking at clothes.
Don't worry about me."
673
00:27:29,064 --> 00:27:32,942
Let me tell you something, fellas.
We as men are so basic.
674
00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:36,571
You know what we got at home to wear?
T-shirt, drawers, socks.
675
00:27:37,197 --> 00:27:40,367
We getting ready to go somewhere,
we put on shirts, slacks, shoes.
676
00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:41,701
- Am I right?
- [man] That's right.
677
00:27:41,785 --> 00:27:43,495
Women got all kinds of shit.
678
00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,748
Women got bras with strap,
bras with no strap.
679
00:27:47,248 --> 00:27:49,876
They got bras to hold the titties up,
bras to hold the titty down.
680
00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:51,044
[audience laughing]
681
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:53,546
They got panty with line,
panty with no line.
682
00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:55,006
Thong drawers. You've seen 'em.
683
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:57,133
Go up in the booty crack.
Know what I'm talking about?
684
00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:00,011
Then you got time-of-the-month panties
that come way up here.
685
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,223
Got a drawstring in them.
I know you done seen 'em.
686
00:28:03,306 --> 00:28:04,891
Made out of burlap material.
687
00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:08,853
She come out the bathroom
trying to be sexy, "What's up?"
688
00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:11,439
You'd be like,
"Not a motherfuckin' thing."
689
00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:14,025
And you better not cut my leg
with them burlap drawers
690
00:28:14,109 --> 00:28:15,235
like you did last month.
691
00:28:15,318 --> 00:28:19,739
I tell you what, let's say
a concert come in town, a musical concert.
692
00:28:20,323 --> 00:28:23,410
- Let's say it's Charlie Wilson.
- [woman] Whoo!
693
00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:25,161
- Keith Sweat.
- [man] Yeah!
694
00:28:25,245 --> 00:28:26,871
- Maxwell.
- [man] That's right.
695
00:28:26,955 --> 00:28:27,997
Kim.
696
00:28:28,081 --> 00:28:29,791
That's a hell of a show, ain't it?
697
00:28:29,874 --> 00:28:33,420
Women think this is the time
for them to get a whole new outfit.
698
00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:34,629
You know what a man gonna do?
699
00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:37,549
We gonna go to the closet,
get a shirt, slack, shoes.
700
00:28:37,632 --> 00:28:38,717
We might go get a haircut.
701
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,219
Those that got bald head
cut their own hair. Am I right?
702
00:28:41,302 --> 00:28:44,180
Women gonna get shit from head to toe.
703
00:28:44,681 --> 00:28:48,143
New outfit, new purse, new shoes.
704
00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:52,856
Get her hair done,
nails and feet done, makeup, eyelash.
705
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:55,692
As soon as she walk in the concert doors,
the first thing she gonna say,
706
00:28:55,775 --> 00:28:57,360
"These hoes in here be hatin'."
707
00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:59,446
[audience laughing]
708
00:28:59,529 --> 00:29:01,448
"Ain't nobody hatin'.
You got on too much shit."
709
00:29:01,531 --> 00:29:02,782
[audience laughing]
710
00:29:03,450 --> 00:29:05,076
Like my wife now on me
about another purse.
711
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,537
I got a problem with it.
People say, "Why you got a problem?"
712
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:10,331
First of all, I done bought my wife
hundreds of purses.
713
00:29:10,415 --> 00:29:11,624
I know this for a fact.
714
00:29:12,208 --> 00:29:15,086
But the problem I got,
my wife make $100,000 a year
715
00:29:15,170 --> 00:29:16,921
and don't pay a bill in the house.
716
00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:20,884
So I be like, "If you want a purse,
go get it. You got the fucking money."
717
00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:24,471
She's like, "Bruce, I saw a purse I like."
I said, "You did? You like it?"
718
00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:25,764
"Oh, I love it."
719
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:28,016
I said, "Get your-- Go get it."
720
00:29:28,558 --> 00:29:30,977
She said, "I don't wanna buy it.
I want you to buy it."
721
00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:32,562
"Well, bitch, you in trouble."
722
00:29:32,645 --> 00:29:34,606
[audience laughing]
723
00:29:34,689 --> 00:29:37,108
And the particular purse she want,
it's called a Birkin bag.
724
00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:41,404
Now if anybody don't know what that is,
a Birkin purse starting price is $20,000.
725
00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:43,823
They go from 20,000 to 150,000.
726
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:47,160
I ain't telling you what I heard.
I am telling you what I know.
727
00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:48,286
Understand what I'm saying?
728
00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:49,621
So my wife loves to go to Vegas.
729
00:29:49,704 --> 00:29:51,956
So we got through talking,
so she left the house.
730
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,584
So I took the liberty to count her purses.
731
00:29:54,667 --> 00:29:57,253
So people say, "Why you do that?"
First of all, I bought 'em.
732
00:29:58,004 --> 00:29:59,839
I walked in there.
I counted three Michael Kors.
733
00:29:59,923 --> 00:30:01,633
You know Michael Kors? Three Michael Kors.
734
00:30:01,716 --> 00:30:04,469
I counted three Versace.
You know Versace, right? Three Versace.
735
00:30:04,552 --> 00:30:07,722
You ain't gonna believe this.
This motherfucker had 49 Guccis.
736
00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:08,848
[audience] Ooh.
737
00:30:08,932 --> 00:30:10,558
Real shit, not no fake shit.
738
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:12,060
Fifty-seven Louis Vuittons.
739
00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:16,856
Instantly, I got madder than a mug
because I'm the dumbass that bought 'em.
740
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:18,817
[audience laughing]
741
00:30:19,442 --> 00:30:22,487
You know what I'm saying?
So she was online looking at stuff.
742
00:30:22,570 --> 00:30:24,948
She said, "Bruce, you know what?
You got a weekend off."
743
00:30:25,031 --> 00:30:27,116
"Why don't we just go out there
and go to Vegas
744
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:28,701
and just, you know, hang out?"
745
00:30:28,785 --> 00:30:30,662
I said, "Who the fuck hang in Vegas?"
746
00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:32,914
I said, "No, I'll put something there."
747
00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:36,292
"Me and my manager'll put something there.
We just ain't putting nothing there."
748
00:30:36,376 --> 00:30:39,796
She said, "I called your manager." He said
y'all ain't gonna put nothing there.
749
00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:42,715
I said, "You didn't call my manager
'cause that motherfucker work for me."
750
00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:44,342
[audience laughing]
751
00:30:44,425 --> 00:30:46,511
So what do we do? We go to Vegas.
752
00:30:46,594 --> 00:30:48,721
You know,
and she loves to stay at Caesars Palace.
753
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:50,390
But let me let you in on a little secret.
754
00:30:50,473 --> 00:30:53,560
Every major hotel in Vegas have
a mall in it.
755
00:30:54,185 --> 00:30:55,937
From the Aria,
MGM Grand, Planet Hollywood,
756
00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:57,939
Venetian, Palazzo,
Cosmopolitan, Caesars Palace.
757
00:30:58,022 --> 00:30:59,607
My wife loves Caesars Palace.
758
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,235
So we go out to Vegas.
I rent a one-bedroom suite.
759
00:31:02,318 --> 00:31:05,822
It came with a maid,
butler, and a chef 24 hours.
760
00:31:05,905 --> 00:31:07,532
Before we left, the chef called me, said,
761
00:31:07,615 --> 00:31:09,784
"Mr. Bruce, I know you'll be on a flight
for five hours."
762
00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:11,786
"I know you won't eat nothing
on the plane."
763
00:31:11,870 --> 00:31:14,747
"I'll have you something to eat
when you get here. What would you like?"
764
00:31:14,831 --> 00:31:18,543
I said, "We'd like
some grilled barbecue salmon
765
00:31:18,626 --> 00:31:21,880
with some grilled asparagus
with some purple potatoes
766
00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:25,300
and some French-cut garlic toast."
767
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:27,135
So, man, we fly to Vegas.
768
00:31:27,218 --> 00:31:28,303
We get down to Vegas.
769
00:31:28,386 --> 00:31:31,472
We land. We get to baggage claim,
and we get to the hotel.
770
00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:34,183
He laid it out.
He was in the room. Man, we ate.
771
00:31:34,267 --> 00:31:36,019
He said,
"What time would you like breakfast?"
772
00:31:36,102 --> 00:31:38,187
I said, "I would like breakfast by 8:30."
773
00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:41,107
He came around and cooked breakfast.
Man, I got through eating breakfast.
774
00:31:41,190 --> 00:31:44,193
Me and my wife, soon as I get done eating,
she's standing there looking at me.
775
00:31:44,277 --> 00:31:45,904
[audience laughing]
776
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:47,363
I said, "What's wrong with you?"
777
00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:49,198
"Let's walk through the mall."
778
00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:51,326
I said, "For what?"
779
00:31:51,409 --> 00:31:53,995
"We ain't gotta buy nothing.
We just gonna look."
780
00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:56,664
Every woman tell the same fucking lie.
781
00:31:57,248 --> 00:31:59,876
And I should've known what was going on.
I didn't pay any attention.
782
00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:01,377
She already know what's in that mall
783
00:32:01,461 --> 00:32:04,088
'cause she online looking at stuff
all the time.
784
00:32:04,172 --> 00:32:05,256
We walking through the mall.
785
00:32:05,340 --> 00:32:08,468
I'm walking behind her
looking like a stupid-ass little boy.
786
00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:09,636
So we made this turn.
787
00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:12,597
She said, "Ooh,
there goes some Birkin bags right there."
788
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,682
She knew exactly where they were.
789
00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:17,518
So I played stupid. I said,
"Where, where? I don't see them. Where?"
790
00:32:18,102 --> 00:32:19,520
She said, "Right there."
791
00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:22,732
We go over 'cause the bags was locked up.
They weren't out. They was locked up.
792
00:32:22,815 --> 00:32:24,817
So we get over there.
We're looking at the bags.
793
00:32:24,901 --> 00:32:28,071
And the sales dude just walk from nowhere.
He's like, "Hello."
794
00:32:28,154 --> 00:32:29,447
[audience laughing]
795
00:32:29,530 --> 00:32:31,324
"How are you?"
796
00:32:31,407 --> 00:32:34,202
My wife said, "Can I see that purse?"
He talking about "Great choice."
797
00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:36,245
I said,
"This mutha trying to sell this purse."
798
00:32:36,329 --> 00:32:37,872
So he started showing my wife the purse.
799
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:40,166
I started drifting off
like I'm doing something else.
800
00:32:40,249 --> 00:32:41,459
You know what I'm saying?
801
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:43,836
About ten minutes went by,
my wife said, "Bruce, come here."
802
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:45,505
I said, "What?" "Come here."
803
00:32:45,588 --> 00:32:48,007
"I wanna show you something."
I said, "What you gotta show me?"
804
00:32:48,091 --> 00:32:49,968
"How do you like this purse right here?"
805
00:32:50,051 --> 00:32:52,220
I said,
"I don't give a fuck about this purse."
806
00:32:52,845 --> 00:32:54,097
I said, "I don't carry a purse."
807
00:32:54,180 --> 00:32:57,100
And I said, "That purse right there,
ugly as a motherfucker."
808
00:32:57,183 --> 00:32:59,185
And I knew it was a Birkin bag.
Know what I'm saying?
809
00:32:59,268 --> 00:33:02,271
So the sales dude talking about,
"Excuse you."
810
00:33:03,189 --> 00:33:05,900
I said, "Go ahead on, player.
You don't even know me now."
811
00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:08,444
I said, "I hit you in your mouth
and fuck up your sex life."
812
00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:09,487
[audience laughing]
813
00:33:09,570 --> 00:33:11,531
Write that down. I'm gonna keep that.
814
00:33:11,614 --> 00:33:13,700
Write that down. I'm gonna keep that.
815
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,160
[audience laughing]
816
00:33:18,579 --> 00:33:21,290
So by this time, he's madder than a mug.
817
00:33:21,374 --> 00:33:22,875
I'm looking at the purse, I say, "Man,
818
00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:25,378
is this the price
or the UPC code on this purse?"
819
00:33:25,461 --> 00:33:29,215
He said, "It's the price."
That motherfucker was $21,800.
820
00:33:29,757 --> 00:33:31,843
So I started thinking, I said, "$21,800."
821
00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:34,679
"By the time they add taxes,
it's gonna be $22,300."
822
00:33:34,762 --> 00:33:36,723
You know what I'm saying?
I'm thinking to myself.
823
00:33:36,806 --> 00:33:39,517
So as soon as I get through thinking,
my wife's looking straight at me.
824
00:33:40,977 --> 00:33:44,355
"Bruce, I want this purse so bad."
825
00:33:44,856 --> 00:33:47,483
I said, "I know you do, baby,
but look, this motherfucker $22,000."
826
00:33:47,567 --> 00:33:50,403
I said, "I can buy a car and flip it
and make $22,000."
827
00:33:50,486 --> 00:33:52,155
I said, "You ain't gonna carry it around."
828
00:33:52,238 --> 00:33:54,198
"Soon as you put it down,
somebody gonna steal it."
829
00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:57,952
"But I want this purse so bad."
830
00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,038
I said, "Baby,
I love you with all my heart. I do."
831
00:34:00,121 --> 00:34:02,540
I said, "But look,
you make $100,000 a year."
832
00:34:03,166 --> 00:34:05,209
"You don't pay a bill in the house."
833
00:34:05,293 --> 00:34:07,295
"Put your card up and get it."
834
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:10,840
She said, "I don't wanna buy it."
835
00:34:10,923 --> 00:34:12,425
Well, bitch, I don't either.
836
00:34:12,508 --> 00:34:15,261
[audience laughing]
837
00:34:15,344 --> 00:34:16,387
Then she pulled rank on me.
838
00:34:16,471 --> 00:34:20,016
"You know, my birthday coming up,
our anniversary, Christmas."
839
00:34:20,099 --> 00:34:22,310
"Valentine's right around the corner."
840
00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:25,772
"I want this purse so bad."
841
00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:28,441
I looked at her, I said,
"Look, you want the purse?"
842
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:31,861
"Goddamn it, you can get the purse."
843
00:34:31,944 --> 00:34:34,072
She looked at me, she said, "For real?"
844
00:34:34,155 --> 00:34:37,241
I said, "Yeah, bitch, if you steal it
because that's the only way."
845
00:34:37,325 --> 00:34:39,327
[audience laughing]
846
00:34:41,162 --> 00:34:43,539
She's madder than a motherfucker,
Kool-Aid face.
847
00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:47,168
Y'all gotta understand,
it ain't like I ain't took her nowhere.
848
00:34:47,251 --> 00:34:48,252
I took her everywhere.
849
00:34:48,336 --> 00:34:49,378
I done took her to Japan,
850
00:34:49,462 --> 00:34:51,964
took her to China,
took her to Germany, took her to Dubai.
851
00:34:52,048 --> 00:34:54,050
And when I'm in these countries,
I spend money.
852
00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:57,136
She got a purse now, come from Japan.
They don't even sell 'em in the States.
853
00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:59,597
There's a Japanese designer over there
that's real popular.
854
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:03,559
You know, you buy the purse,
you gotta get the wallet, keychain,
855
00:35:03,643 --> 00:35:04,852
purse jewelry.
856
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:07,355
You know,
she got her initials hanging off.
857
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:10,024
Then the dude that sold the purse gonna
give some shit in Japanese,
858
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,359
talking about it mean "love."
859
00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:14,028
[audience laughing]
860
00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:16,781
We get back to Atlanta.
We go to a hibachi restaurant.
861
00:35:16,864 --> 00:35:19,117
Everybody go,
"Oh, shrimp fried rice on your..."
862
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,244
[audience laughing]
863
00:35:21,327 --> 00:35:23,579
Bitch, this motherfucker
don't mean no "love."
864
00:35:26,415 --> 00:35:31,754
I had to go to Paris, and she couldn't go.
She said, "I wish I could get off work."
865
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:34,090
I said, "I know you can't go,
but when I get over there,
866
00:35:34,173 --> 00:35:37,218
I'm gonna FaceTime you,
and we'll walk down the street together."
867
00:35:37,718 --> 00:35:39,220
She said, "That ain't the same thing."
868
00:35:39,303 --> 00:35:41,389
I said,
"That's as close as you gonna get to it."
869
00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:44,100
I fly to Paris. I get over there,
and as soon as I got off the plane,
870
00:35:44,183 --> 00:35:45,852
"Mr. Bruce, your room's not ready."
871
00:35:45,935 --> 00:35:48,396
"Would you like to see Paris
for like an hour, hour and a half?"
872
00:35:48,479 --> 00:35:49,355
I said, "No, take me
873
00:35:49,438 --> 00:35:51,732
where they're introducing
all the new clothes and shoes."
874
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:54,318
Y'all gotta think about it.
I'm still thinking about my wife.
875
00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:57,738
He took me to the warehouse.
It was Gucci, Versace, Louis Vuitton.
876
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,532
I stopped at this shoe display.
877
00:35:59,615 --> 00:36:02,326
They called Christian Louboutin shoes.
878
00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:03,452
Red bottoms.
879
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:05,288
I know y'all know they ain't cheap.
880
00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:08,624
I'm sitting here looking at them.
I said, "My wife got a few pair of 'em."
881
00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:11,085
I guess I'll get a couple of pair
and take 'em back.
882
00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:14,922
You know, I catch 'em on sale.
When they on sale, they still $800, $900.
883
00:36:15,006 --> 00:36:15,923
Know what I'm saying?
884
00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:17,758
I'm looking at the shoes,
saying to myself,
885
00:36:17,842 --> 00:36:20,469
I said, "I know she want a couple pair.
She wears a size eight."
886
00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:23,890
She likes a six-inch heel.
This how in tune I am with this shit.
887
00:36:23,973 --> 00:36:25,558
So when I get through thinking,
888
00:36:25,641 --> 00:36:28,477
I think the same guy
who worked in Vegas walked up on me.
889
00:36:28,561 --> 00:36:29,937
[audience laughing]
890
00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:31,189
"Hello."
891
00:36:32,398 --> 00:36:33,900
"How are you?"
892
00:36:33,983 --> 00:36:36,360
I said, "Damn,
didn't I just see you a month ago?"
893
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:39,363
He said, "I noticed you looking at
the shoes." I said, "My wife likes them."
894
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:41,824
I said, "I got her a few pair."
I said, "They're not cheap."
895
00:36:41,908 --> 00:36:44,452
I said, "I'm gonna try to get some.
I'm gonna get a couple pair."
896
00:36:44,535 --> 00:36:46,370
"I'm over here to do the show,
and I'm leaving."
897
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:48,247
He looked at me, he said, "Oh my God."
898
00:36:48,331 --> 00:36:51,792
He said, "Are you Bruce Bruce?"
I said, "Yes, I am."
899
00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:56,214
He said, "I am trying to get tickets
to your show. It is completely sold out."
900
00:36:56,839 --> 00:36:59,467
I'm being cordial. I said,
"You want tickets? I'll get you a couple."
901
00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:02,887
Now I'm talking to this dude
not realizing who he is.
902
00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:06,807
He was the owner and designer
of Christian Louboutin shoes.
903
00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:09,310
This dude is filthy rich.
904
00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:12,063
He looked me dead in my eye.
He said, "I'm in a good mood today."
905
00:37:12,146 --> 00:37:15,816
"And if your wife likes these shoes,
pick out whatever she want."
906
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:17,860
I say, "For free?"
907
00:37:17,944 --> 00:37:19,862
[audience laughing]
908
00:37:19,946 --> 00:37:22,156
He said, "Yes."
I said, "How many pair can she get?"
909
00:37:22,657 --> 00:37:24,825
That mug said,
"How many pairs does she want?"
910
00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:28,204
I said, "Hold up. Let me call my wife.
I gotta get her approval."
911
00:37:28,287 --> 00:37:30,581
"She says I pick out ugly shit,
so let me call her."
912
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:33,501
Y'all gotta understand. I'm in Paris.
913
00:37:33,584 --> 00:37:36,420
It's a different time zone
in Paris and the US.
914
00:37:36,504 --> 00:37:38,881
It's 3:30 in the morning, Atlanta time.
915
00:37:38,965 --> 00:37:39,882
My wife called--
916
00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:41,842
She answered the phone
with a straight attitude
917
00:37:41,926 --> 00:37:44,011
'cause I done woke her up.
918
00:37:44,595 --> 00:37:46,472
She answered the phone
like this, "Hello?!"
919
00:37:46,973 --> 00:37:48,766
I say, "Bitch, calm down."
920
00:37:48,849 --> 00:37:50,226
[audience laughing]
921
00:37:50,309 --> 00:37:51,686
"I got something I wanna show you."
922
00:37:51,769 --> 00:37:54,647
"What the fuck you got to show me
at 3:30 in the morning?"
923
00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:56,983
I said, "Well,
they got these Christian Louboutin shoes."
924
00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:58,484
She said, "Christian Louboutin?"
925
00:37:59,318 --> 00:38:00,152
[moans]
926
00:38:00,236 --> 00:38:02,363
[audience laughing]
927
00:38:02,446 --> 00:38:03,406
[moans]
928
00:38:04,407 --> 00:38:05,324
[moans]
929
00:38:06,117 --> 00:38:08,869
I said,
"Look, before I show you these shoes,
930
00:38:08,953 --> 00:38:11,414
I'm getting these shoes
at a real good price."
931
00:38:11,914 --> 00:38:13,874
[audience laughing]
932
00:38:13,958 --> 00:38:14,917
"So when I get home,
933
00:38:15,001 --> 00:38:18,004
you got to work that ass
like you ain't never worked it before."
934
00:38:18,879 --> 00:38:21,382
"I'm gonna work that ass.
Don't worry. Show me the shoes."
935
00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:23,050
That motherfucker done woke up now.
936
00:38:23,676 --> 00:38:26,262
I FaceTimed, she said,
"Oh, Bruce, this is a bad motherfucker."
937
00:38:26,345 --> 00:38:27,179
[moans]
938
00:38:27,263 --> 00:38:28,389
[audience laughing]
939
00:38:28,472 --> 00:38:29,307
[moans]
940
00:38:29,390 --> 00:38:30,266
I get back over there.
941
00:38:30,349 --> 00:38:33,853
He said, "What'd she pick?"
I said, "Well, she picked out ten pair."
942
00:38:34,895 --> 00:38:36,480
He said, "Is that it?"
943
00:38:37,189 --> 00:38:39,108
I said, "You telling me
she could've gotten more?"
944
00:38:39,191 --> 00:38:40,443
He said, "Yes."
945
00:38:40,526 --> 00:38:42,361
He said, "I'll tell you
what I'll do for you."
946
00:38:42,445 --> 00:38:45,114
He said, "I got two signature pair,
will not be sold in the US."
947
00:38:45,197 --> 00:38:47,450
"They're only gonna be sold in Europe.
They're collectors."
948
00:38:47,533 --> 00:38:49,869
He said, "I'm gonna give you those two
and the ten you pick."
949
00:38:50,453 --> 00:38:53,456
So the total was like $18,000.
950
00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:55,333
I looked him dead in his eyes.
951
00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:57,460
I said, "How many tickets
you say you need to show?"
952
00:38:57,543 --> 00:38:59,337
[audience laughing]
953
00:38:59,420 --> 00:39:01,422
"'Cause I'm gonna give you what you want."
954
00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:04,050
Man, he had the shoes packed up for me
and everything.
955
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:05,384
He showed up with his friend.
956
00:39:05,468 --> 00:39:08,012
I'm talking about,
it was, like, four convertible Phantoms.
957
00:39:08,095 --> 00:39:09,555
This motherfucker got money.
958
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:13,267
Man, I did the show. The show went well.
I fly back. I walk in the house.
959
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:15,728
My wife ain't say, "How was your flight?"
960
00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:18,147
[audience laughing]
961
00:39:18,230 --> 00:39:19,607
"How was your show?"
962
00:39:20,566 --> 00:39:21,650
"Where the shoes?!"
963
00:39:21,734 --> 00:39:23,819
[audience laughing]
964
00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:25,196
I say, "Fuck them shoes."
965
00:39:25,279 --> 00:39:27,740
"You need to get upstairs
and get them panties off, goddamn it."
966
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:30,576
"It's time to go to work in there.
You hear what I'm saying?"
967
00:39:30,659 --> 00:39:33,162
"Bring your ass upstairs."
We got up there. We got buck naked.
968
00:39:33,245 --> 00:39:34,663
You'd been proud of me.
969
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:37,416
I don't know if she put
a motor in her hips or what,
970
00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:39,502
but that motherfucker went to work,
you hear me?
971
00:39:39,585 --> 00:39:42,630
She said, "Let me get on top."
I said, "Goddamn it, get on top."
972
00:39:43,130 --> 00:39:46,217
Man, that motherfucker went to riding
that thing. [imitates jackhammer]
973
00:39:46,300 --> 00:39:47,259
I'm in the bed.
974
00:39:47,343 --> 00:39:48,177
[moans]
975
00:39:48,260 --> 00:39:50,054
[audience laughing]
976
00:39:50,137 --> 00:39:51,013
[moans]
977
00:39:51,931 --> 00:39:53,474
♪ I love it when you call me Big-- ♪
978
00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:54,475
[moans]
979
00:39:55,309 --> 00:39:57,353
♪ Throw your hands in the air ♪
980
00:39:57,436 --> 00:39:59,021
[audience laughing]
981
00:40:00,689 --> 00:40:02,274
Let me tell you something, man.
982
00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:04,151
And y'all listen to me.
983
00:40:04,652 --> 00:40:08,531
All you women in here that got these
girls, daughters, daughters, you know,
984
00:40:08,614 --> 00:40:10,241
you teach your daughters how to get a man,
985
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:12,159
but teach your daughters
how to keep a man.
986
00:40:12,660 --> 00:40:16,997
My daughter's 39, been married 18 years.
You understand what I'm saying?
987
00:40:17,081 --> 00:40:18,791
- Good husband, got three kids.
- [woman] Yeah!
988
00:40:18,874 --> 00:40:21,085
Yeah. Yeah, she's a good girl.
989
00:40:23,712 --> 00:40:26,590
So she lives in Charlotte,
so she likes to come down to my house,
990
00:40:26,674 --> 00:40:28,300
her, her husband, three kids
'cause I cook.
991
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:30,719
I used to be a chef. I can--
I'm a bad dude in that kitchen.
992
00:40:30,803 --> 00:40:31,679
Know what I'm saying?
993
00:40:31,762 --> 00:40:33,889
So we was in the kitchen,
and I was cooking some stuff.
994
00:40:33,973 --> 00:40:35,683
I looked at my daughter
'cause I talk to her.
995
00:40:35,766 --> 00:40:37,560
I don't talk at her. I talk to her.
996
00:40:38,144 --> 00:40:40,146
I said, "Are you taking care
of your husband?"
997
00:40:40,813 --> 00:40:41,730
She said, "Yeah, Dad."
998
00:40:41,814 --> 00:40:44,483
I said, "No,
are you taking care of your husband?"
999
00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:46,152
She said, "Yeah."
1000
00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:49,405
I said, "No,
are you taking care of your husband?"
1001
00:40:49,488 --> 00:40:50,865
She said, "What you talking about?"
1002
00:40:50,948 --> 00:40:53,033
I said, "You riding that thing
like you supposed to?"
1003
00:40:53,117 --> 00:40:54,368
[audience laughing]
1004
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:57,246
She said, "Daddy!" I said,
"Don't 'Daddy' me. You got three kids."
1005
00:40:57,329 --> 00:40:58,664
"You know what I'm talking about."
1006
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:01,292
Man, her husband called me
three days later.
1007
00:41:01,375 --> 00:41:03,127
He said, "Man, I love you so much."
1008
00:41:03,210 --> 00:41:05,421
[audience laughing]
1009
00:41:07,089 --> 00:41:08,466
You gotta talk to 'em.
1010
00:41:08,966 --> 00:41:10,926
Don't talk at 'em. Talk to 'em.
1011
00:41:11,010 --> 00:41:12,261
- Am I right?
- [man] Yeah.
1012
00:41:12,344 --> 00:41:14,430
I'll tell you something.
I don't lend money no more.
1013
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:17,016
I... I'm so tired
of people not paying me back.
1014
00:41:17,099 --> 00:41:19,768
But as soon as they lend you money,
they want their money back.
1015
00:41:20,269 --> 00:41:21,103
Know what I'm saying?
1016
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:24,106
"You calling me about that little money?"
"It wasn't little when I gave it."
1017
00:41:24,190 --> 00:41:26,317
[audience laughing]
1018
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:30,279
The girl I used to date a long time ago,
man, ain't never paid me back.
1019
00:41:30,362 --> 00:41:32,114
Called me, you know, "How you doing?"
1020
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:34,533
"You know, I ain't heard from you
in a long time."
1021
00:41:34,617 --> 00:41:36,285
I said, "This heifer want something."
1022
00:41:36,785 --> 00:41:38,162
She wants something.
1023
00:41:38,245 --> 00:41:39,705
And now she done found Jesus.
1024
00:41:39,788 --> 00:41:43,083
So now, you know, yeah,
"God has been good. Ooh, hallelujah."
1025
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:44,084
I said, "Look."
1026
00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:45,669
[audience laughing]
1027
00:41:45,753 --> 00:41:49,173
She said,
"I got this new job and everything,
1028
00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:51,926
and everything's working out real good."
1029
00:41:52,009 --> 00:41:53,802
"But I'm trying to buy a car."
1030
00:41:53,886 --> 00:41:56,805
"And I was wondering if you could lend me
the money to buy a car."
1031
00:41:56,889 --> 00:41:59,683
I said, "Look, every time
I lend you money, you never pay it back."
1032
00:41:59,767 --> 00:42:03,521
"No, I'm gonna pay you back.
God is my-- Oh, glory to God," you know.
1033
00:42:03,604 --> 00:42:06,565
So she done found-- She done found Jesus.
You know what I'm saying?
1034
00:42:06,649 --> 00:42:08,567
And I said,
"No, I'm not gonna mess with that."
1035
00:42:08,651 --> 00:42:09,652
"You never pay me back."
1036
00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:11,237
"But just curious, how much you need?"
1037
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,447
She said, "I don't need but $2,500."
1038
00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:17,743
I said, "If it's but $2,500,
you ought to have but $2,500."
1039
00:42:18,452 --> 00:42:20,204
So I told her no.
1040
00:42:20,287 --> 00:42:22,831
So she kept on me, on me, on me.
About two, three weeks went by,
1041
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:25,167
"I need you to lend me money."
I said, "I'm gonna try her."
1042
00:42:25,251 --> 00:42:26,418
You know what I'm saying?
1043
00:42:26,502 --> 00:42:29,505
Lent her the money.
It was in April. It was in April.
1044
00:42:29,588 --> 00:42:31,757
I said, "Look,
don't start paying me back till August."
1045
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,927
I said, "Just give me $100 a month."
You know what I'm saying?
1046
00:42:35,010 --> 00:42:39,473
"So you got April, May,
June, July, August."
1047
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,642
So I said,
"Well, I ain't going to worry about it."
1048
00:42:41,725 --> 00:42:43,727
Man, September done came,
and I thought about it.
1049
00:42:43,811 --> 00:42:45,563
I said,
"She's supposed to pay me this money."
1050
00:42:45,646 --> 00:42:47,064
"Start paying me money in August."
1051
00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:49,066
I'm talking to myself.
You know what I'm saying?
1052
00:42:49,149 --> 00:42:53,279
And I called her, and, uh,
it was a totally different attitude.
1053
00:42:53,988 --> 00:42:55,239
Jesus was gone.
1054
00:42:55,322 --> 00:42:57,533
[audience laughing]
1055
00:42:57,616 --> 00:42:58,909
I said, "Hello?" "Hello."
1056
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:01,787
I said, "How you doing?"
"I'm fine. How you doing?"
1057
00:43:02,288 --> 00:43:04,748
I said, "Look,
I was just sitting here thinking about..."
1058
00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:07,626
I said, "You were supposed to
start paying me $100 a month in August."
1059
00:43:07,710 --> 00:43:08,961
"I thought if you had a problem,
1060
00:43:09,044 --> 00:43:11,380
you'd call and let me know
you had a problem or a situation."
1061
00:43:11,463 --> 00:43:13,966
"All you had to do was call."
She said, "I ain't got your money."
1062
00:43:14,049 --> 00:43:15,968
"I ain't gonna give it to you.
What you gonna do?"
1063
00:43:16,051 --> 00:43:17,428
[audience gasps]
1064
00:43:17,511 --> 00:43:19,179
I said, "What happened to Jesus?"
1065
00:43:19,263 --> 00:43:21,098
[audience laughing]
1066
00:43:21,181 --> 00:43:22,933
"Well, I..."
I said, "Well, I'll tell you what."
1067
00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:25,686
I said, "I told you you weren't gonna
give me that money back."
1068
00:43:25,769 --> 00:43:27,062
I said, "Don't worry about it."
1069
00:43:27,563 --> 00:43:31,442
I said, "That $2,500, I got 100,000 times.
Don't even worry about it."
1070
00:43:31,525 --> 00:43:34,570
I said, "But trust me when I tell you
you're gonna need me again."
1071
00:43:35,070 --> 00:43:37,364
Know what I'm saying? Gonna need me again.
1072
00:43:37,448 --> 00:43:38,741
Lo and behold, y'all,
1073
00:43:39,450 --> 00:43:42,161
about two and a half years later,
she called me back.
1074
00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:43,996
She's back with Jesus.
1075
00:43:44,079 --> 00:43:46,373
[audience laughing]
1076
00:43:46,957 --> 00:43:49,168
"How you doing?" I said, "How you doing?"
1077
00:43:49,251 --> 00:43:51,629
"You know,
I just wanted to call and apologize."
1078
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:56,258
"I didn't do right by you,
and I didn't do the right thing."
1079
00:43:56,342 --> 00:43:57,718
"I should've paid your money back."
1080
00:43:57,801 --> 00:43:59,928
I said, "I didn't worry about that.
I wrote that off."
1081
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:01,555
"Don't worry about it. How you been?"
1082
00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:03,974
I'm talking to her like I'm concerned.
1083
00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:05,768
I said, "How you been?"
1084
00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:07,394
"I've been good, but what happened,
1085
00:44:07,478 --> 00:44:10,314
I run into a situation,
and I need your help."
1086
00:44:10,397 --> 00:44:11,732
I said, "Help for what?"
1087
00:44:11,815 --> 00:44:14,234
She said, "I'm about to lose my house."
I said, "What?"
1088
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:16,779
"They gonna put you out your house?"
She said, "Yeah."
1089
00:44:16,862 --> 00:44:20,115
"God gonna make it happen though.
God is gonna work on my behalf."
1090
00:44:20,199 --> 00:44:22,326
"Yes, he is." I said, "I know he is."
1091
00:44:22,409 --> 00:44:24,912
I said, "How much it cost
to get your house back?"
1092
00:44:24,995 --> 00:44:27,206
She said, "It ain't but $3,500."
1093
00:44:27,790 --> 00:44:30,626
I said, "$3,500?"
I said, "That ain't no fucking money."
1094
00:44:30,709 --> 00:44:33,712
She said, "Yeah, if you can help me
this time, I really would appreciate it."
1095
00:44:33,796 --> 00:44:35,714
I said, "Let me ask you one question."
1096
00:44:36,256 --> 00:44:38,592
I said,
"Have you ever been put out before?"
1097
00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:40,636
[audience laughing]
1098
00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:46,892
She said, "No."
1099
00:44:46,975 --> 00:44:48,352
I said, "Bitch, get ready."
1100
00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:50,938
[audience laughing]
1101
00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:57,027
Instantly, "You Black motherfucker."
"That's all right."
1102
00:44:57,111 --> 00:44:58,278
[audience laughing]
1103
00:44:58,362 --> 00:44:59,988
"I got $3,500. You don't."
1104
00:45:00,072 --> 00:45:01,323
[audience laughing]
1105
00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:04,076
I used to work for Frito-Lay.
Anybody know Frito-Lay?
1106
00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:07,663
Oh my God. Man,
I used to sell a bag and eat three bags.
1107
00:45:07,746 --> 00:45:09,331
[audience laughing]
1108
00:45:09,415 --> 00:45:10,749
I was coming up short every month.
1109
00:45:10,833 --> 00:45:12,751
I said, "Goddamn it,
somebody's stealing from me."
1110
00:45:12,835 --> 00:45:14,837
[audience laughing]
1111
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:16,880
I'll be damned
if I wasn't stealing from myself.
1112
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:21,176
But I'm tired
of y'all getting on these good jobs.
1113
00:45:21,260 --> 00:45:22,886
"Oh, that's a good job."
1114
00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:25,472
You got something you want to do in life,
you better do it.
1115
00:45:25,973 --> 00:45:27,766
You better have some birthdays.
1116
00:45:27,850 --> 00:45:29,852
I remember
I wanted to quit my job at Frito-Lay.
1117
00:45:29,935 --> 00:45:31,895
Everybody, "Man,
don't you quit that good job."
1118
00:45:31,979 --> 00:45:33,355
"That's a good job."
1119
00:45:34,356 --> 00:45:37,317
And the only person who made some sense
was my mother when she was living.
1120
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:39,278
I said, "Mama, I wanna quit my job."
1121
00:45:39,361 --> 00:45:42,030
I say, "And I wanna start
doing comedy full-time."
1122
00:45:42,114 --> 00:45:44,366
She said,
"Well, you can always get another job."
1123
00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:46,326
I didn't think of it like that.
1124
00:45:46,410 --> 00:45:47,995
She said, "You ain't no dummy."
1125
00:45:48,495 --> 00:45:49,455
I'm like, "Damn."
1126
00:45:50,205 --> 00:45:53,208
And man, let me tell you,
I went down there the next morning,
1127
00:45:53,792 --> 00:45:55,294
put in a 30-day leave of absence.
1128
00:45:55,377 --> 00:45:57,463
Acted like I was going through something.
1129
00:45:58,547 --> 00:46:00,924
When I got it approved,
my supervisor said, "You coming back?"
1130
00:46:01,008 --> 00:46:03,135
I said, "Boy,
I want you to look at me real good."
1131
00:46:03,218 --> 00:46:04,303
[audience laughing]
1132
00:46:04,386 --> 00:46:07,014
I said, "Next time you see my face,
I will be on TV."
1133
00:46:07,097 --> 00:46:08,515
[audience laughing]
1134
00:46:08,599 --> 00:46:10,893
And I ain't worked that job in 36 years.
1135
00:46:10,976 --> 00:46:12,978
[audience cheering]
1136
00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:17,775
And I'm gonna tell you something, man.
1137
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:22,613
See, you know, like... like granddaddies,
like my granddaddy, he was real mean.
1138
00:46:22,696 --> 00:46:24,031
I told you all about that.
1139
00:46:24,114 --> 00:46:26,325
But you know, they always tell you
the right thing to do,
1140
00:46:26,408 --> 00:46:28,327
but they always doing the wrong thing.
1141
00:46:28,410 --> 00:46:31,663
My granddaddy died, 15 kids
showed up from nowhere. What the fuck?
1142
00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:32,998
[audience laughing]
1143
00:46:33,081 --> 00:46:35,083
"That my daddy. That my daddy."
1144
00:46:35,167 --> 00:46:37,669
I'm talking about,
I had to make sure he was dead.
1145
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:38,587
I ain't lying.
1146
00:46:39,213 --> 00:46:41,215
He was in the cas--
I shook his ass, "Granddaddy."
1147
00:46:41,298 --> 00:46:42,716
[audience laughing]
1148
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:43,675
"Granddaddy."
1149
00:46:44,176 --> 00:46:46,386
My cousin said, "He dead?"
I said, "He dead."
1150
00:46:46,887 --> 00:46:48,430
My granddaddy, I'll tell you something.
1151
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:50,349
That mother had a dick on him
about this long.
1152
00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:53,352
I couldn't believe it.
I'm about ten years old. My grandma say,
1153
00:46:53,435 --> 00:46:56,271
"Go give your granddaddy a bath."
I'm like, "Give a man a bath?"
1154
00:46:56,355 --> 00:46:58,565
"What kinda shit is that?"
Man, I get in the bathroom.
1155
00:46:58,649 --> 00:47:00,859
I got to put
his dick in the tub first. [grunts]
1156
00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:02,736
[audience laughing]
1157
00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:05,823
He's sitting in the tub, "Yeah, boy."
1158
00:47:06,323 --> 00:47:08,784
"I used to knock 'em down
with this motherfucker."
1159
00:47:09,451 --> 00:47:13,163
I'm like, "Damn, granddaddy, when you die,
can I have that motherfucker?"
1160
00:47:13,247 --> 00:47:14,706
[audience laughing]
1161
00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:16,583
"Where I can knock 'em down."
1162
00:47:17,709 --> 00:47:20,295
You can't jack a dick that long.
You got to cock it.
1163
00:47:20,379 --> 00:47:22,214
[audience laughing]
1164
00:47:26,093 --> 00:47:28,637
Look at the women out there.
"Where your granddaddy at?" He dead.
1165
00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:29,888
[audience laughing]
1166
00:47:29,972 --> 00:47:31,932
He's deader than motherfucker. He dead.
1167
00:47:35,561 --> 00:47:36,687
I'll tell you something else.
1168
00:47:36,770 --> 00:47:40,440
Like, when you get married, fellas,
be careful when you get married, okay?
1169
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:41,608
When you get married,
1170
00:47:42,192 --> 00:47:46,572
and if your woman have never been
married before, be very careful.
1171
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:50,075
Because with women's first wedding,
they want it to be the bomb.
1172
00:47:50,158 --> 00:47:51,493
- Am I right?
- [audience] Mm-hmm.
1173
00:47:51,577 --> 00:47:52,578
Let me tell you, ma'am.
1174
00:47:52,661 --> 00:47:56,999
And traditionally, the father's
supposed to pay for the wedding.
1175
00:47:57,666 --> 00:48:00,294
Man, my wife now,
I've been married before.
1176
00:48:00,377 --> 00:48:01,879
This is her first marriage.
1177
00:48:01,962 --> 00:48:03,672
And man, let me tell you.
1178
00:48:04,548 --> 00:48:06,758
Her father's passed away, so I told her,
1179
00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:09,428
"I'll take care of the wedding.
Don't worry about that."
1180
00:48:09,511 --> 00:48:12,431
Not realizing what this shit costs.
1181
00:48:13,181 --> 00:48:14,224
You know what I'm saying?
1182
00:48:14,308 --> 00:48:17,936
After they started adding it up,
renting the building, I'm near $100,000.
1183
00:48:18,020 --> 00:48:20,355
I said, "This is a lot of fucking money."
1184
00:48:20,856 --> 00:48:23,150
I had told my wife.
Man, look, they go try on the dress.
1185
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,652
Fellas, I don't know if you ever go
when women try on dresses,
1186
00:48:25,736 --> 00:48:27,696
but they get on a stage just like this.
1187
00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:30,490
And she go to the back
and try the dress on.
1188
00:48:30,574 --> 00:48:33,035
And all her family and friends
be sitting out there.
1189
00:48:33,118 --> 00:48:36,038
They eating this shit.
They got chicken, roast, everything.
1190
00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:41,084
And they be, "Ooh, that's so pretty."
1191
00:48:41,627 --> 00:48:44,838
"Oh, that's so pretty."
1192
00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:46,590
So my wife come home.
1193
00:48:46,673 --> 00:48:49,384
She done tried on about 15 dresses,
you know what I'm saying?
1194
00:48:49,468 --> 00:48:52,721
And she told me, "Bruce,
I'm gonna tell you, I found the dress."
1195
00:48:53,388 --> 00:48:57,392
I said, "Is this the one?"
She said, "This is the one."
1196
00:48:58,185 --> 00:49:01,313
I say, "Really?" She said, "Yeah."
She said, "I'm gonna tell you something."
1197
00:49:01,396 --> 00:49:03,982
"I ain't never seen
nothing this pretty in my life."
1198
00:49:04,066 --> 00:49:06,944
I said, "Well, look,
let me be honest with you."
1199
00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:09,988
I said, "I'm looking at everything
that I gotta pay for."
1200
00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:12,532
And I said,
"I told you I'd pay for everything."
1201
00:49:12,616 --> 00:49:15,911
I said, "But I'm finna spend $100,000."
1202
00:49:15,994 --> 00:49:19,247
I said, "Why don't you buy
your dress yourself?"
1203
00:49:20,248 --> 00:49:21,166
"And I take you there."
1204
00:49:21,249 --> 00:49:22,918
She said, "Buy the dress myself?"
1205
00:49:23,001 --> 00:49:24,711
[audience laughing]
1206
00:49:24,795 --> 00:49:27,464
I said, "How much is the dress?"
She said, "$10,000."
1207
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:31,218
I said, "So you're looking at a dress
you're gonna wear one motherfucking time?"
1208
00:49:31,718 --> 00:49:34,012
"$10,000." I said,
"No, you go get a dress. Work it out."
1209
00:49:34,096 --> 00:49:36,390
Guess what happened.
They went back to the drawing board.
1210
00:49:36,890 --> 00:49:40,143
Went back to try on some more dresses.
They all eating, roasting.
1211
00:49:41,103 --> 00:49:42,396
"Ooh."
1212
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:44,272
"Ah."
1213
00:49:44,356 --> 00:49:46,525
"That dress so pretty."
1214
00:49:46,608 --> 00:49:49,653
My wife come home and said, "Know what?
You ain't gonna believe this."
1215
00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:53,407
"I found a dress.
Looks just like the one I picked."
1216
00:49:53,907 --> 00:49:55,909
She said, "You won't believe it."
I said, "For real?"
1217
00:49:55,993 --> 00:49:57,995
She said, "You can't tell 'em apart."
1218
00:49:58,620 --> 00:50:02,124
I said, "Well, shit,
if that's it, that is your dress."
1219
00:50:02,708 --> 00:50:03,834
You know what I'm saying?
1220
00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:06,795
And she said, "Yeah, I'm glad I found it."
I said, "How much is it?"
1221
00:50:06,878 --> 00:50:08,463
This motherfucker said, "$400."
1222
00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:10,549
[audience laughing]
1223
00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:13,593
Motherfucker told me $10,000.
1224
00:50:15,137 --> 00:50:16,513
And I'm gonna tell y'all something.
1225
00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:18,432
I'm real reasonable
when it comes to stuff.
1226
00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:19,683
I told my wife. I said,
1227
00:50:19,766 --> 00:50:22,811
"If you ever wanna leave me,
it'll be the easiest thing in the world."
1228
00:50:22,894 --> 00:50:24,354
"I ain't gonna cuss you out."
1229
00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:27,024
"'Bitch, I done this. Bitch, I done that.'
I'm not doing that."
1230
00:50:27,107 --> 00:50:29,818
The only thing I want you to do is
have enough respect and say, "Bruce,
1231
00:50:29,901 --> 00:50:32,279
I found somebody else.
I want to be with them."
1232
00:50:32,362 --> 00:50:34,197
"I don't wanna be with you no more."
1233
00:50:34,281 --> 00:50:37,409
And I'm gonna look you dead in the eye
and say, "Are you sure?"
1234
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:40,078
And you gonna say, "Yes."
1235
00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:42,581
I'm gonna say,
"Okay, we need to go on and break up."
1236
00:50:42,664 --> 00:50:43,915
"But let me tell you something."
1237
00:50:43,999 --> 00:50:47,919
"If you found somebody
that treats you better than me,"
1238
00:50:48,003 --> 00:50:50,297
I said, "that is your fucking man."
1239
00:50:51,339 --> 00:50:55,010
"And if the motherfucker that good,
bitch, I'm moving in too."
1240
00:50:55,093 --> 00:50:56,803
[audience laughing]
1241
00:50:56,887 --> 00:50:59,139
Ain't no sense
in both of us being unhappy.
1242
00:50:59,681 --> 00:51:00,515
Am I right?
1243
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:02,225
[audience laughing]
1244
00:51:02,726 --> 00:51:04,061
Let me tell you something.
1245
00:51:06,855 --> 00:51:08,899
I love children. Anybody love children?
1246
00:51:08,982 --> 00:51:10,108
[scattered applause]
1247
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:11,151
I love 'em.
1248
00:51:11,651 --> 00:51:14,196
Let me tell you something, man.
I got this little niece.
1249
00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:17,199
Let me tell you something.
This girl done been here before.
1250
00:51:18,075 --> 00:51:19,868
She's four years old. She's smart.
1251
00:51:19,951 --> 00:51:21,953
She watch everything. She look at you.
1252
00:51:22,454 --> 00:51:23,663
She know her ABCs.
1253
00:51:23,747 --> 00:51:25,082
She know her colors.
1254
00:51:25,165 --> 00:51:27,209
She know how to count. Everything.
1255
00:51:27,834 --> 00:51:29,920
So she love my wife.
1256
00:51:30,003 --> 00:51:31,463
She call my wife "Titi."
1257
00:51:32,130 --> 00:51:33,757
She call me uncle. "Uncle."
1258
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:34,925
You know, she be so excited.
1259
00:51:35,008 --> 00:51:37,344
"Uncle, come see me.
When you coming home?"
1260
00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:40,555
So her and my wife are like twins, right?
1261
00:51:41,223 --> 00:51:43,433
So she love to take a bath.
1262
00:51:43,517 --> 00:51:44,726
So my wife put her in the tub.
1263
00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:46,812
She's in there
with her rubber duckies playing.
1264
00:51:46,895 --> 00:51:48,105
So my wife take her out the tub
1265
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:49,856
and rub her down
with some lotion and stuff.
1266
00:51:49,940 --> 00:51:52,150
She says, "Titi,
put some smelling good stuff on me."
1267
00:51:52,234 --> 00:51:53,777
So she got a little oil and put it on.
1268
00:51:53,860 --> 00:51:56,655
She said, "Uncle, smell my arm."
I smell her arm. I say, "It smell good."
1269
00:51:56,738 --> 00:51:58,240
So my wife put on her clothes.
1270
00:51:58,907 --> 00:52:02,285
So my wife put her clothes on.
She said, "Emily." Her name is Emily.
1271
00:52:02,828 --> 00:52:04,621
She said, "Did you pass gas?"
1272
00:52:04,704 --> 00:52:06,206
[audience laughing]
1273
00:52:06,289 --> 00:52:08,458
Emily looked at her serious.
She said, "No."
1274
00:52:08,542 --> 00:52:09,417
"I shit."
1275
00:52:09,501 --> 00:52:11,545
[audience laughing]
1276
00:52:11,628 --> 00:52:12,754
I had to run out of the room.
1277
00:52:12,838 --> 00:52:15,257
My wife talking about, "That ain't funny."
Yes, the fuck it is.
1278
00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:18,218
Because she knew how to say it
and when to say it.
1279
00:52:19,594 --> 00:52:21,429
That girl,
she always put her hand to her head.
1280
00:52:21,513 --> 00:52:22,973
She says, "I got a hi-dea."
1281
00:52:23,056 --> 00:52:24,599
Not an idea, a hi-dea
1282
00:52:24,683 --> 00:52:26,101
"I got a hi-dea."
1283
00:52:26,852 --> 00:52:30,063
Man, I took her on a cruise
back here in December, right?
1284
00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:33,275
And I'm gonna tell you how smart she is.
These kids are smart.
1285
00:52:33,358 --> 00:52:34,526
She was in our room.
1286
00:52:34,609 --> 00:52:35,735
When we closed our room door,
1287
00:52:35,819 --> 00:52:39,197
she looked back
at the number on my room door.
1288
00:52:40,240 --> 00:52:42,284
This is how smart she is.
And she remembered it.
1289
00:52:42,367 --> 00:52:43,368
So the next morning,
1290
00:52:43,451 --> 00:52:45,662
she gets on the ship phone
and calls our room
1291
00:52:45,745 --> 00:52:48,582
'cause she remember the damn room number.
1292
00:52:48,665 --> 00:52:50,709
She said, "Uncle."
I said, "What's up, baby?"
1293
00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:53,211
[smacks lips] "You gonna come get me
and take me to breakfast?"
1294
00:52:53,295 --> 00:52:54,337
I say, "Yeah."
1295
00:52:54,421 --> 00:52:56,506
I say, "Me and Titi will be around there
in a minute."
1296
00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:59,134
So we go around there,
and we knocked on the door.
1297
00:52:59,217 --> 00:53:00,594
Her mama answered the door.
1298
00:53:00,677 --> 00:53:07,017
And she got her sister,
you know, in the bed, asleep. 350 easy.
1299
00:53:07,976 --> 00:53:10,604
[audience laughing]
1300
00:53:11,479 --> 00:53:15,066
And she got her aunt, 350 easy.
1301
00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:17,986
So both of them was in the bed,
asleep together.
1302
00:53:18,069 --> 00:53:19,696
So we're getting ready to go out the door.
1303
00:53:19,779 --> 00:53:21,865
Emily stopped at the door
and turned around and looked.
1304
00:53:21,948 --> 00:53:23,325
She said, "Uncle." I say, "What?"
1305
00:53:23,408 --> 00:53:25,243
She said,
"They too big to be in that bed."
1306
00:53:25,327 --> 00:53:27,245
[audience laughing]
1307
00:53:27,829 --> 00:53:30,040
I said, "They are?"
She said, "Look at 'em."
1308
00:53:30,665 --> 00:53:32,792
She said, "They big."
I said, "Yeah, they big."
1309
00:53:32,876 --> 00:53:33,877
She said, "Yep."
1310
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:34,794
"Just like you."
1311
00:53:34,878 --> 00:53:36,713
[audience laughing]
1312
00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:41,468
Now look, y'all.
1313
00:53:42,385 --> 00:53:43,511
Are y'all having fun?
1314
00:53:43,595 --> 00:53:45,222
[audience cheering]
1315
00:53:45,972 --> 00:53:48,892
[audience applauding, cheering]
1316
00:53:48,975 --> 00:53:50,435
Y'all having fun for real?
1317
00:53:50,518 --> 00:53:52,646
[audience applauding, cheering]
1318
00:53:52,729 --> 00:53:55,065
But look, I was told--
Look, I'm gonna do this.
1319
00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:56,983
Look, I don't have an ending joke
1320
00:53:57,651 --> 00:53:59,402
because I don't tell jokes.
1321
00:54:00,028 --> 00:54:02,656
I tell real life stories
and make 'em funny.
1322
00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:05,992
So I'm not like the average comedian,
do ending joke, holla, "Peace!"
1323
00:54:06,076 --> 00:54:09,579
"Thank you, God bless," walk off stage.
I don't do that 'cause I don't tell jokes.
1324
00:54:09,663 --> 00:54:12,832
So basically,
when I get through performing on stage,
1325
00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:14,542
I just kinda walk the fuck off.
1326
00:54:14,626 --> 00:54:17,045
[audience laughing]
1327
00:54:17,796 --> 00:54:19,965
[audience applauding, cheering]
1328
00:54:21,758 --> 00:54:25,804
- [audience] Bruce!
- [hip-hop beat playing]
1329
00:54:35,230 --> 00:54:39,859
[audience chanting] Bruce!
1330
00:54:44,572 --> 00:54:45,865
[cheering fades]
1331
00:56:16,664 --> 00:56:18,792
- [music ends]
- [person laughs]