Downloaded from YTS.BZ
[grand orchestral fanfare playing]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ
["Blue Monday" by New Order playing]
- [typing on keyboard] - EMILY RAINE: "Love is a state
of temporary psychosis."
Sigmund "Frued."
[groans]: Ah, shit.
Freud.
[mouse clicks]
- [song continues loudly] - [lively chatter]
♪ How does it feel ♪
♪ To treat me like you do? ♪
♪ When you've laid your hands upon me ♪
♪ And told me who you are... ♪
- [distorted]: Hey. - [fingers snapping]
[clearly]: Gormless, you watching the meter? Go on, tell him.
- Yeah, yeah, I know. - Huh?
Hey, mate.
Mate, you got to watch your levels.
- What? - The levels! You got to watch your levels!
- Chill out, man. - No, I won't chill out.
You got to do it.
- No, I won't. - What do you mean, no?
- [music stops] - No, mate. What are you doing?
[crowd groaning and clamoring]
- Listen, get off the decks. - [loud music resumes]
- [crowd cheering] - Yeah, listen, mate.
Just help me out. I really need this job,
- so please just turn it down a little? - All right.
- [music volume decreases] - Thank you.
♪ ♪
- [door opens] - [women laughing]
- Oh. Sorry. - FAIRY: Hey!
Oh, don't mind her. She likes to pee standing up.
- Oh, yeah, woman's choice. - [Frida Kahlo laughs]
I mean, I like to pee sitting down sometimes.
FRIDA KAHLO: The queue for the girls is a joke,
and Pervy Martin's got a peephole in there.
- [stall door opens] - [footsteps approaching]
[sighs] I think I've got stage fright.
Frida Kahlo deserves better than this.
- Am I right? - [water running]
[stall door closes]
FAIRY: You work here?
Not in here.
Uh, I'm a sound engineer, so I guess I am staff.
Uh, do you want-- uh, I'll probably do that, actually.
What, do you have a bottle opener?
No, but I don't want you to hurt yourself, and I might
have something in my pocket that might be able to do it.
MAN: Give us a go.
- [cap clinks on floor] - Here ya are.
- Thanks. - [Fairy chuckles]
- There you go. - Thank you.
Oh, nice straw.
Yeah, it's metal.
The turtles are shoving the plastic ones up their noses.
- Massive cokeheads. - Yeah. Do you want it?
It's three quid, but you can have it.
Drink now, straw for life.
["Otis" by The Durutti Column playing]
OWEN: What, like balloon animals?
No, no, just tying the ends off a balloon.
So many people struggle.
Yeah, no, my fingers always get stuck.
And I'm supposed to be really good with my fingers.
- [laughs] - I wasn't saying it rudely.
I was just saying 'cause I used to play guitar in a band, so...
Whoa! You're in a band!
♪ ♪
OWEN: Not anymore.
Like, you need money to live, so now I work here.
But, look, best thing about it,
you get four free soft drinks a night.
- Wow. - Yeah.
Don't go flashing those about.
♪ ♪
OWEN: Are you in a band, or is your boyfriend in a band?
Yeah, he is, actually.
- Ah. - Joking. I don't have a boyfriend.
What about your girlfriend?
- Don't have a girlfriend. - [sucks teeth]
Nah, yeah, I got a wife.
FAIRY: Right. Bye, then.
♪ ♪
["Where Love Lives" by Alison Limerick playing]
There you are. Come on! We have to go!
Wait, wait. Hang on a minute. Where you going?
It's our mate's birthday at this bar on Canal Street.
- Come. - I can't. I'm working.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What was your name?
- "Emily"! - Emily, I'm Owen.
- [overlapping chatter] - Come on! - Come on!
Oh, sorry, mate.
- [music continues loudly] - [lively chatter]
Wahoo! Are you hearing that?!
Let's have it, Manchester!
[indistinct shouting]
- [lively chatter] - [music continues inside]
OWEN: Wait, Emily!
Emily!
[laughter]
I just want to get your number. Only if you want to, that is.
I mean, you don't have to, but I just--
I'd really like to get your number.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. - Okay.
FRIDA KAHLO [in distance]: Come on!
- You gonna memorize it? - [stammers]
I got a phone.
FRIDA KAHLO: Come on! We're hours late!
- All right. Bye. - Thanks. Bye.
[footsteps running]
["Rock and a Calm Place" by Antony Szmierek playing]
♪ Yeah, it feels good, actually ♪
♪ You've been lost deep in Orion's Belt loop again ♪
♪ Haven't you? ♪
♪ Tangled up, procrastinating ♪
♪ With eons left to travel in a bedroom full of shrapnel... ♪
Hang in there, Robert, mate.
♪ Like the ozone and there's not a tube ♪
♪ Of PVA in sight ♪
♪ [sighs] What a nightmare ♪
♪ You know that picture you took of the summer? ♪
♪ Well, that's gotta count for something ♪
♪ It was golden hour ♪
♪ And that's a big smile for a sad face ♪
♪ You're caught between a rock and a calm place. ♪
- Oh! - Oh! - [song stops abruptly]
- Morning. - Hey.
- Frodo, you want to knock before barging in? - [laughs]
What, into the kitchen and the living area?
No, don't think so.
- [clears throat] - You all right?
Mm, yeah.
Hey, um, Owen, look, uh...
- So, hey, look. - What?
So, a delightful, young,
professional couple from Marsden,
they want to come and view the place this evening.
[groans] Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt!
- I don't want to hear that! - What? Hey! Hey!
Owen, please, can you be in? I got to work late.
Oh, I can't do that, Frey, 'cause I got to pray today.
So I can't do that. Sorry.
Can't. Too busy.
- Someone's in a good mood. - Why? What happened?
Find a special little peephole in the men's bog?
You know, some dude used one, and then when he came out,
the guy on the other side was his dad.
Mate, that's an urban myth. It didn't happen.
Still denying it, are you?
What do you mean, deny it? We've got the same dad.
That just makes no sense.
FREYA: What is her name?
- [mumbles]: Emily. - I knew it.
- MATT: And have you talked to this Emily? - [chuckles]
OWEN: Yeah, obviously I've talked to her.
MATT: Hard luck, mate.
OWEN: What do you mean, hard luck?
- She talked back, actually. - Yeah?
Yeah, we danced in the middle of the S.U.,
and it was like... looked at each other and just... bam.
Felt like time actually stood still.
Oh, my God. [laughing]
- Oh, no, no. - Oh, no, no. What are you saying no for?
- It-it was... - No, please. Not again.
No, no, no, no, no. It's different, it's different.
- It's different this time. - Oh, what?
You gonna write a song about it?
MATT: So when are you seeing her again?
Don't know. Not messaged her yet.
- Why? - Don't know.
- [stammers] It's the next morning. - Why don't you do it now?
No, you haven't got the balls, have you?
- I've got the balls. - Do it now, then.
- I will. - Go on, then.
- I will. [sniffs] - FREYA: Matt, what's the time?
The ti-- Oh, I don't know, love.
Think it's sort of, um...
I think it's sort of standing still.
[Freya and Matt laughing]
[mock laughing]
- MATT: Bless him. - What do you mean, bless him?
- [Matt and Freya laughing] - Really funny.
Just-just keep it casual.
I know how to send a text message.
- I'm a pretty casual guy, you know. - [snickers]
I got some good stuff going on here, like,
"I'm divorcing my wi--" Doesn't matter.
- Um... - What?
OWEN: Won't send for some reason.
It's like-- Try again.
Is the Wi-Fi working, do you know? Or--
Matt, give me the phone back. Matt, give the phone back.
- Matt. Matt. - Matt, give me the phone back.
[Matt grunting]
Matt, I'm not messing around. Give me the phone back.
- Oh, hon, that is not her number. - Get off me!
What do you mean, it's not her number?
I saw her put it in. It is her number, I swear.
- It's missing a digit. - What do you mean,
- it's missing a digit? - Oh, my God.
[Matt laughing]
FREYA: Matt!
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
Stop laughing, please! It's not funny!
- I'll find her. - Oh, yes, it is funny.
- Oh, is it? Definitely? Ha! - I'll find her!
- Surname? - Don't know.
- Age? - Don't know.
- Subject of study? - Didn't ask that.
What did you talk about?
We didn't really have, like, a proper conversation.
We were just dancing and looking at each other.
It was dead nice.
- FREYA: Matt, stop it! - OWEN: Stop that.
Come on, our kid. She's a student at the uni you work at.
You're gonna see her again.
Yeah, well, that's a good point.
♪ ♪
OWEN: Good morning.
I'm wondering if you can help me.
I'm looking for a student that goes here.
- Which student? - Uh, Emily?
Emily what?
Emily, please?
Oh, uh, I don't, I don't know her last name.
Well, then I can't help you, then.
Don't you have, like, a directory
of all the students' names or...?
- No. - It's just, I really need your help, 'cause...
Yeah, I've got something of hers.
That's-that's what it is. I've got, uh, this.
This is hers. Well, well, it was her dad's,
and, uh, there was this fire,
and it was really, like, kind of...
Yeah, that-that's a lie.
- Do-do you want the truth? - No, I don't.
I met her last night and just really got on with her.
Her hair's about here, and she drinks beer-- bottled--
and she's funny, smart.
Have you ever met somebody and, like, all that shit
you've got going on in your mind just...
it doesn't matter anymore?
And, like, the light at the end of your tunnel,
you're just, you're just standing in this light,
and you're just like, just like...
[stammers] I don't know. It's just, like--
Please, could you just tell me, like,
what class she's in maybe or... I feel like it might be
the most important thing you ever do.
You've got two seconds to leave
before I call security, all right?
Yeah, okay. All right.
- Okay, I'll leave you to it. - Next.
- Uh, hey. - Yeah?
- You forgot this. - Uh, thanks, man. Cheers.
Uh, the only Emily I know is Emily Raine.
It proper sounds like her.
Okay, yeah. Would you know where I can find her?
- Is she, like... - Oh, she takes psychology
in the social science building.
Okay. All right. Thanks, man.
Have a good day.
Right. Everyone, I'm obligated to tell you
you have three weeks left.
Those who haven't started your conclusions, do so now.
It's worth 25% of your whole mark.
- Those of you who... [sighs] - [knocking]
- What? - Hi.
Could I speak to Emily Raine, please?
- Can this wait? [sighs] - Not really.
I-I have a really important message from her father, so...
[sighs]
[door opens]
- Ah. - [door closes]
Is there, is there, by any chance, like,
another Emily Raine in there or...?
[American accent]: You-you have a message from my dad?
Uh-uh-uh...
Yeah, yeah, just, uh...
He's, uh... he-he's run into, like,
a bit, a bit of car trouble, and...
He's fine. He's fine. Don't worry.
He just wanted me to, like,
let you know that it's just-- his car's...
- Right. - Yeah.
Nothing about where he's been for the last 21 years?
Whether I have brothers or sisters? An apology?
Nah, just-just the, just the car thing.
No.
Well, uh, I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.
Uh, I'm-I'm sorry. He didn't call.
Typical him, huh?
- [chuckles] - Sorry, I'll, uh... [stammers]
- I'll let you get back, um... - What are, what are you doing?
Well, I'm looking for this girl called Emily.
It's a specific Emily. It's not you, obviously.
- I thought she was gonna be in there. - Emily what?
I don't know. I don't know her last name
or anything that's gonna help me find her.
So now you're running around, dragging Emilys out of lectures?
No, you were the first.
And the last, I reckon.
Didn't really work, so...
- [laughs]: Okay. - Okay.
[inhales deeply]
Bye.
- Bye. - [door opens]
- Sorry, by the way. Sorry. - [door closes]
Those intending a last-minute Ritalin-fueled all-nighter
in the belief that you'll produce something
that will change the world of social sciences, look at me.
Look at me!
You won't.
Applications for the postgrad position
at the Donegan Psychiatry Group have now closed.
I will let you know the short list.
Uh, Raine, glad to see you got your application in
at the 11th hour.
If it weren't for the 11th hour, nothing would ever get done.
[chuckles] Uh, how's your dissertation?
Have you scientifically proven that everyone in love
is in fact a self-sabotaging Neanderthal sheep?
- [chuckles] - Oh, dear.
Scholarship student with a visa on the line.
I'd have thought you'd have stretched to something
a little more challenging than attachment theory.
Okay, so what I'm looking for here is
just an example of how love led to self-sabotage.
So I'm looking for
life-falling-apart type stuff, crazy shit.
Right?
What about the breakups?
Did anybody do anything unhinged?
I cut this fringe.
No way. I cut a fringe.
But it's grown out now.
I had mine before we got together.
Have any of you committed a crime? [chuckles]
[electrical whirring]
Wait, Frida? Frida!
Wait.
Oi, wait! Frida!
Frida Kahlo, wait!
Wait! Frida!
Wait, wait! Frida Kahlo!
- [sighs] - I, uh, I don't think she's into you, dude.
Yeah, that wasn't even her. That was her mate.
She didn't hear me, so...
"Missing: a digit of Emily's number.
"You gave me ten-elevenths
- of your number on Monday." - Yeah, all right.
"You were a fairy.
"I was the guy with no bottle opener
"who'd really like to see you again.
- Meet me where you found me..." - Yeah, you got--
- That's enough now. - "...any night at 7:00 p.m."?
She's a fairy?
Yeah, she was dressed like a fairy.
She'll get it.
An actual manic pixie dream girl, huh?
- What are you talking about? - Well, she's not a real person.
She's a perfect, uncomplicated,
heteronormative projection of everything you want her to be.
I don't know what you just said, but, no,
she's-she's-she's real, so...
And not like any girl you've ever met, right?
An eccentric but in, like, a socially acceptable way.
And she thinks you're amazing, and she loves what you love
and made you see the world in colors
you never even knew existed.
No, no, I knew, I knew they existed.
It's just, I've never seen them so... well, so bright, so...
[chuckles] What do you actually know about this girl?
I mean... just find someone else.
- This is... - What? But why?
Why would I want to find someone else?
What's wrong with trying?
There is nobody else, you understand?
- Oh, come on. - What do you mean, come on?
Now, when did everyone get so cynical? What's with that?
You don't get to choose who you fall for.
You don't dip in and out, run it by the class.
That's not what happens.
I don't know how you are in a relationship,
but that's not how I want to be.
I want to find her, okay?
I'll help you find her! I mean, I want to help you.
Why? Why would you want to do that?
Look, I'm-I'm sorry.
You're-you're absolutely right.
People are cynical.
[sighs]
And the truth is... [chuckles]
I would want someone to do this for me, so...
Right.
Look, uh, wh-what's your name again?
- Owen. - Owen.
- Okay. - Emily. [chuckles]
- You knew that, though, right? [laughs] - Yeah.
Look, Owen, you seem like a nice guy,
and this Emily is
probably wondering why you haven't called.
Yeah, yeah, I know, and apparently you're not
supposed to wait over three days or something.
And term's almost over.
I mean, she'll-she'll be heartbroken, so... let me help.
Plus I'm a student here.
I-I can be your eyes on the ground, ear to the street.
I'm really good at this kind of thing.
Like, what's the plan after the, um, the wanted posters?
I don't really have a plan.
["Kelly's Heroes" by Black Grape playing]
WESTLAKE: It's risky.
Live cases are unpredictable. Trust me. I know.
You cannot get involved.
One hint of bias or influence will invalidate your study,
and you will fail.
More importantly, Raine, you don't have time for this.
You're meant to be writing your conclusion.
No, this guy is my conclusion.
He's the case study I've been waiting for.
He-He's my very own Stanford prison experiment.
♪ Don't talk to me about heroes ♪
♪ Most of these men sink like subs ♪
[indistinct chatter]
♪ Jesus was a Black man ♪
♪ No, Jesus was Batman ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, not at all ♪
♪ That was Bruce Wayne ♪
♪ Who's got the biggest, who's got the biggest ♪
♪ Who's got the biggest brain ♪
♪ For a year I did bang her ♪
♪ And Dennis sleeps fucked off ♪
♪ He'll surface again ♪
♪ Don't talk to me about heroes... ♪
So, how many people actually go to this place?
40,000 and something.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I mean, I found all of them in the last week, all but one.
Found this guy here like six times.
- All right, mate. How's it going? - All right.
WESTLAKE: And to be sure that
romantic attachment is the cause of any Freudian madness,
you must first establish
that there are no preexisting psychiatric conditions.
No preexisting psychiatric conditions.
And do you think that...
[song ends]
- [quiet chatter] - [music playing over speakers]
I'd hide those if I was you.
They're supplements.
The gut's the second brain.
Did you know it can function independently
of the brain and the central nervous system?
My grandma was on so many pills by the end
that she used to say, "If you pick me up..."
BOTH: "I'll rattle."
Yeah, my mum used to say the same.
Are you on, uh, any medication?
I take antihistamines sometimes for, like, hay fever, but...
Anything for mental illness or...?
Nah.
Have you ever been committed to a psychiatric hospital?
What?
Criminal record?
Wh-- Sorry, what is this?
I'm just making conversation.
Just getting to know you.
Have you ever, like, got to know somebody before?
'Cause you're well weird at it.
[chuckles softly]
[laughing]
OWEN: Who's that, then? Boyfriend?
- EMILY: Who, Tristan? - OWEN: Yeah.
- No. [chuckles] - But you want him to be?
No. [chuckles]
Is that a lie?
[chuckles]
You know nothing about me.
Isn't that, like, what this is for?
- It's complicated. - Uh-huh.
You can't make someone a case study when they don't know.
Like, I don't think that's even admissible.
I think, don't they have to sign a release form?
[sighs] I might have signed it for him.
Ugh.
I just-- I'm saving him the admin.
Okay, well, that's giving illegal.
No, I... [sighs] I know.
- But it's also-- it's giving Donegan position. - Mm.
My other case studies are so boring. I need him.
Do you think you manipulate situations for your own gain?
[chuckles] I need him to do something big,
to give it scale.
Would you say you have a grandiose sense of self-worth?
If I don't get this position, I have to go back to Iowa
and live with my mom and her flat Earth theories.
Or you could marry me
and get a spousal visa and come live in London.
I want to be here, though.
And Tristan's got a job at the hospital, so...
No, do not come at me with the Tristan stuff
when I'm feeling this unwell.
We don't care what Tristan's doing, remember?
It's been three years of, "Oh, this is just casual, yeah?"
Yeah. Yeah. Of course.
I mean, it's not about him, though.
Like, I-I-I genuinely think that my thesis
can help people understand themselves and...
What about the Owen lad?
It's fascinating.
I mean, he's completely delusional.
He sits in the S.U. every night just waiting for her
like he's in some shitty Casablanca.
He's in love with the idea of love.
[billiard balls clacking]
Hey, I was thinking, did you check social media?
Obviously I've checked social media.
I've seen the face of every Emily that goes here.
And obviously she ain't gonna have social media anyway.
She's too cool, so...
You can't know everything about someone in 20 minutes.
Yeah, but you know everything you need to know, don't you?
No, people only tell you what they want you to know.
It's not what about you say, though.
It's... it's-it's about the vibe.
My professor, he wrote this amazing paper:
"Are we in love with the people in our lives
or just our projections of them?"
Love isn't something that should be studied.
Well, actually, a lot of people study love.
No, man, you can't look at it too long.
Otherwise it'll just disappear.
Well, have you never wondered
why you are the way that you are?
Why you do the things you do?
I mean, what effect your parents had
on your personality?
Sorry, did I buy weed off you in first year?
Or was it the-the antique maracas? Was that you?
No. [chuckles]
Get a weird vibe off you, man.
No, not like déjà vu, but like déjà boo!
- You know what I mean? - [laughs nervously]
Yeah.
All right, sound monkey. What are you doing here?
No gigs tonight?
Ah, just... [sniffs] having a quiet pint, so...
Yeah, dead quiet.
It's like a bloody wake over here.
[Pervy Martin laughs]
Christ.
Seen this? [chuckles]
Could be worse, sound worm. Could be this twat.
How embarrassing.
Ladies.
- [fingers snap] - Maybe that's why she's not coming,
'cause she's embarrassed.
Why would she be embarrassed?
Well, think about it. She came onto me.
Put herself out there, gave me her number and that.
And for all she's concerned, you know,
I've just ghosted her.
She ain't gonna come here, is she?
She knows I work here.
She thinks I'm one of those players, man.
- Player. - Player. [chuckles]
Okay, she said she was going to a birthday party
on Canal Street, so I just--
it's got to be one of these, hasn't it?
EMILY: Yeah, it's got to be.
OWEN: Yeah, we just go in here
and then bounce all the way down.
EMILY: Okay, I'm in.
- Ah, mate. - [lively music and chatter]
Uh, was there a birthday party here on Monday?
What kind of party?
Fancy dress kind of party.
Yeah, and it was amazing, you know.
Could I have the name of the person
whose party that was, please?
Can't give that out. Sorry, mate.
♪ Let's have a kiki, I wanna have a kiki ♪
♪ Lock the doors tight... ♪
Yeah, you're in.
OWEN: Fiver?
♪ I'm gonna let you have it, let's have a kiki... ♪
Tenner?
♪ Dive, turn, work ♪
♪ Let's have a kiki, we're gonna serve ♪
♪ And work and turn and h-h-honey... ♪
[person whoops]
What happens if I give you 20 quid?
[scoffs] Are you serious?
♪ ♪
The queer community thanks you for your contribution.
[kisses]
What about the information?
♪ This kiki is marvelous... ♪
Can I have a try?
- Yeah, knock yourself out. - Yeah. What's your name?
♪ Sitting back here, having our own ♪
[crowd chanting along]: ♪ Kiki, soso ♪
♪ Oui oui, non non ♪
♪ Kiki, soso ♪
♪ Oui oui, non non ♪
♪ Kiki, soso ♪
♪ Oui oui, non non ♪
♪ Kiki, soso... ♪
Well?
Oh, I-I didn't get any information.
But I got us free drinks!
Great.
- [fingers snap] - ♪ Ah ♪
♪ Let's have a kiki, I wanna have a kiki ♪
♪ Lock the doors tight ♪
♪ Let's have a kiki, mother-- ooh-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ I'm gonna let you have it ♪
♪ Let's have a kiki... ♪
That's cute. Bye!
♪ Let's have a kiki, we're gonna serve ♪
♪ And work and turn and h-h-honey. ♪
- [song ends] - Yeah.
Oh. Oh.
Are-are we going to the, to the next one?
Nah. No next one. There's no point.
I'm wasting my time and your time.
Listen, I've spent 70 quid tonight
and no one's told me anything.
90 pound. I don't even know why I lied about that.
Okay, so-so we'll find, uh, a new strategy.
No, no, look, there's no point. She probably met someone
the other day that did text her back. And what am I doing?
Just pissing away mortgage money with you.
No offense or anything.
It's just, there's just no point, is there?
No, I mean, I mean, you said you'd find her at any cost,
and-and you've only spent 90.
No, I spent 125. One guy up there took card.
[sighs]
Okay, so-so that's it? You're just giving up?
Listen, I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do?
Tell me. Tell me what I'm supposed to do.
'Cause right now, there's nothing.
I might as well just go home.
Fine.
Didn't anyone ever tell you
if you're gonna be a lover, you got to be a fighter, too?
[typing on keyboard]
♪ ♪
- [door clicks shut] - Shh.
[singsongy]: You'll never guess where I've been.
Oh, oh.
I'm screwed.
- Have you slept? - I'm gonna fail.
There's no-no degree, no Donegan position.
I'm-I'm gonna go home a-a loser and a nobody all because of him.
What, Tristan?
- No, Owen. - Oh.
He just gave up.
He walked away like a completely sane person.
I mean, what am, what am I supposed to do?
Um, what can we do? We can-- Oh.
You could just disprove your hypothesis.
[scoffs] Nobody gets a first
from disproving their hypothesis.
You could just ask for an extension.
He doesn't give extensions.
Legally, he has to give you an extension
if you evidence extenuating circumstances.
What are my extenuating circumstances?
Okay, big breath. [inhales deeply]
And let it out. [exhaling sharply]
- [exhaling sharply] - I think this... this is giving
extenuating circumstances.
I think just take a picture of this and pop it in an email
to that professor of yours,
and I think you'll get an extension.
Big kiss.
You've got this.
[singsongy]: You have got this.
Sweeties for you. Popcorn for me.
[singsongy]: Keep breathing.
[Emily sighs heavily]
[groans]
[sniffs]
Holy shit.
[laughs]
Thank you, Anna!
ANNA [in distance]: It's okay!
EMILY: This is the email address of every single Emily
who is currently enrolled at the university.
How am I gonna know which one's hers?
Only one way to find out.
Nah.
Nah, I can't, I can't do that.
I'll, uh... I'll lose my job, so...
Well, only if people find out it was you, and they won't.
I mean, this is, this is your chance.
She's right here.
[smacks lips]
I'm not influencing you.
Okay.
D-Do it quickly.
Yeah, well, that depends on how many Emilys there are.
EMILY: Well, how many can there be?
[busy chatter]
There's 318 Emilys go here.
That's wild, innit?
Only four Owens as well.
Only four.
- Here you go. - You sent it?
- Nah, not yet. - [sighs]: Oh. Okay.
Ooh, "E.T." What's that for?
EMILY: Uh, it was a s-stupid dare.
- Is it real? - [smacks lips] Yep.
Oh, that "E.T." on your "phone home" finger.
- Yes. - Funny. Great dare.
[Emily chuckles softly]
Yeah, so I've not sent it yet,
- but I've got something. - Okay.
What do you reckon to this?
"Evening, ladies."
- Ooh. - Yeah, yeah.
- It's... - Yeah, I'll probably make that "Emilys."
- Yeah, little better. - Yeah.
Right. "Evening, Emilys.
"I met one of you last Monday in the S.U.
"You were a fairy.
"I was the guy flashing coupons.
"The number I have for you is a digit short.
"I looked for you everywhere.
"Turns out this is the final straw.
- And if you'd like..." - What?
- It's the British flirting.
It's like a random word generator.
What is that "straw"? What is that?
It's just like... [chuckles]
It's an inside joke. You won't get it.
It's just about, like, turtles
out of their shell on coke, just...
- Sounds hilarious. Keep going. - Yeah.
Yeah, so I just said, "If you'd like to see me again,
just email me back," smiley face.
- No, I don't think it needs that. - Ah, yeah, it doesn't...
doesn't need a smiley face, does it? No.
[Owen sighs]
What happens if I've, like, misread this whole situation
and she did wrong-number me?
[sighs] Well... [chuckles]
I mean, you must have some idea if she liked you.
Right?
Well, yeah, I think I did,
but I'm not really good at this stuff.
It's like, one minute you think it's going all right,
and the next minute, it's like, "Oh, you know, you're a bit...
you're a bit too much. Is-is your brother single?"
- Hmm. - Just don't want to ruin stuff. Do you know what I mean?
I feel like I was a right mess after my m--
You know, I've just got, I've got this job,
and I just feel like everything's started
to go all right, and now I've met this girl
that's gonna make everything feel perfect for me, and now...
I don't want to know if she's wrong-numbered me.
Do you know what I mean? Why would I want to know that?
And also, like, I definitely don't want
317 other random people to know that.
Don't know. I just feel like, if I send it,
I'm just gonna ruin everything. Do you know what I mean?
I'm just a little bit stressed about the whole thing.
I don't really know what to say.
What do you think I should do?
Send it.
Okay. I'll do that, then.
- [message whooshes] - Sent.
[phone chimes]
Oh, I got it. [chuckles]
[indistinct arguing onstage]
What is this about anyway?
Star-crossed lovers.
Right.
The taco pizza is a textural Midwestern experience.
It's a true delicacy.
Do not blame your vile concoction
on the good people of Iowa.
- I won't hear anything against this pizza. - [knocking]
Well, I will. It's vile!
EMILY: Don't knock it till you try it. I'm serious.
It's very good. Don't listen to her.
[gasps] Hi.
65 BPM, two flights of stairs.
Not too shabby.
EMILY: I'm getting you both a plate
- so we can all try it together. - Hello, hello.
- Hello. - Hey, Kyle.
- Hi, Kyle. - Hello. I've been skipping.
Look at this perfect punnet of tomatoes
- I got from the M&S bin. - Yeah.
You know how many tons of food
go to waste in this country, huh?
Laughable.
I got chocolate eggs, too.
Perfect pizza topping.
- You're welcome. - Um...
- Great. - Yes?
- Is Tristan coming? - KYLE: He sends his apologies
but is otherwise engaged.
- [indistinct chatter] - [phone chiming repeatedly]
[phone ringing and vibrating]
- EMILY [over phone]: Hello? - I'm not really sure
what's happening, but I'm getting,
I'm getting, like, a load of emails.
- Hey, Emilys. - [phones chiming]
Nice to meet you all. [laughing]
My God. WTF?
Are straight people okay? Question mark.
EMILY: You cc'd everyone?
Well, yeah, yeah, I can see that now.
So you've just created a chat room of 318 Emilys.
Everybody can reply to each other now.
Well, thanks for the recap.
- Wait, does he even go here? - [chiming continues]
I'm literally dying.
Guys, I manifested this.
Oh, this is so cute. Obsessed.
EMILY: How did you not bcc?
OWEN: I don't know what a bcc is.
- Wow. Who is he? - EMILY: It's when y... [sighs]
Never mind. Look, it'll be fine.
Iconic.
OWEN: Uh, I should, uh...
Could you tell me, uh, how to delete it? Like...
- EMILY: You can't. - Yas, king.
Flash your coupon at me.
Ugh. What does flashing coupons even mean?
His penis. Every guy names it.
That doesn't even make sense.
Who names their penis "coupon"?
OWEN: Oh, well, this was a great idea.
- Thanks a lot. - EMILY: No, it wasn't my idea.
- It was... - What do you mean it wasn't your idea?
- Well, it... [sighs] - I mean, this was all your idea.
Okay, look, uh, just stay calm.
Stay ca-- How am I supposed to stay calm?
They'll get bored eventually, and she'll reply,
as-as well as all the other Emilys.
You did the right thing.
- [lively, overlapping chatter] - ♪ Ramalama, bang, bang ♪
♪ Flash bang, big bang ♪
♪ With a hammer, bang, bang... ♪
[chatter and song stop]
[chatter and laughter in other room]
♪ Ma, me, mi, me, ma, mo, mu, mo ♪
♪ Ma, me, mi, me, ma, mo, mu, mo... ♪
[exhaling rhythmically]
Cha, cha, cha!
It's cute. I wish someone did it for me.
What, have the whole uni hunting you down?
It's not cute. It's unwell.
It's cute if he's fit.
- Well, he's not, though. - [chuckles]
What? No fit lad would do that.
And if he were fit, you'd make sure you get your number right.
No, he'll be an incel rat face, and not in a good way.
You can't know that from an email.
Please. He'll smell his own socks in his mam's basement.
Bet he's never seen a pair of tits in his life. [chuckles]
["Careless Whisper" by George Michael playing in car]
♪ And all its sad goodbyes ♪
[singing along]: ♪ I'm never gonna dance again ♪
- [knocking] - ♪ Guilty feet have got no rhythm ♪
♪ Though it's easy to pretend ♪
♪ I know you're not a fool... ♪
Please join me.
Okay. What do you think?
Can I use it?
Uh, please don't touch that.
It's part of the process.
♪ So I'm never gonna dance again... ♪
And you verified there's no delusions,
disturbed thoughts, mania?
- No, he's fine. - Fine?
He hasn't signed it.
That email address is obviously an alias.
Right.
[turns down music volume]
I think that negates self-sabotage.
Well, I-I considered that, but-but no.
I mean, the subject has no intention of hiding
any resulting relationship,
which will in turn expose his identity and hers.
WESTLAKE: "His penis, every guy names..."
- [phone ringing] - Oh, here he is now.
- No, that's... [chuckles] - [ringing stops]
That's... ugh.
What is your relationship with the subject?
Nothing. There's, uh, there's no relationship.
No undocumented communication,
nothing that would constitute researcher interference?
- [phone ringing] - Uh...
- Oh, there he is again. - [ringing stops]
- Keen. - [sighs]
- [glove compartment opens] - Uh, excuse me.
- [glove compartment closes] - There's nothing in there
that will save you.
That's my private space.
Raine, your Donegan interview is imminent.
If there's anything you need to declare...
...do it now.
♪ Guilty feet have got no rhythm... ♪
There's nothing. [stammers]
He's just data.
Good. Write it up.
You may exit the vehicle.
Please take this apple with you.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Thank you.
♪ So I'm never gonna dance again... ♪
Come back to me, George.
[turns up music volume]
- [phone ringing] - Yes.
[song continues in car]
[line beeps]
I reckon he made this Emily bird up
so he could shoot his shot at all of them,
- see who he'll smash. - It's not a bad idea, you know.
Hey, I'm gonna do it to the Jennifers.
Jennifers are hot.
WOMAN: "This is the final straw"?
I know I'm willingly taking it out of context,
- but that's a threat. - MAN: A thousand percent.
[knocks]
Dean, this is an attack on our security.
We demand to know what is being done.
I will wear a hood, but I'm not gonna wear a ball gag
because, you know, I've got the bad tooth.
[chuckles] Tell Tracy. All right, see you Friday.
Emily Thewlis. Always a pleasure.
Oh.
The university is aware of the breach,
and we're looking into it.
Right. And what are we supposed to do?
God knows what other information he has.
He could have our phone numbers, our addresses.
This is not safe for students.
And as president of the student union, I just feel this...
I'm aware of your worldly place, Emily.
[softly]: Come on.
Off you pop.
I really can assure you, Madam President,
the safety of students is absolutely paramount.
Really? Because as far as I'm aware,
the creators of Upskirt Bingo
still have not been held to account.
And what about Pervy Martin and his peephole?
Now, Pervy Mart--
Martin has been questioned.
And we're still investigating Beaver Bingo.
[sighs] As a woman in a position of power,
- you are preventing progress... - Do you know what?
I burned my bra. I've done the work.
You go and do some work now, too, okay?
[laughing]: Triggered. Triggered.
Someone's triggered.
It's a breach of our privacy.
No one wants to breach your privacy, love.
Great. See that? That right there is the issue.
This culture of toxic masculinity
left completely unchecked leaves them
thinking that they can just send us emails.
Aw, we can't send emails now?
All right, shut up, you ding-dongs.
Listen.
I'm sorry about everything.
The faculty is doing everything to maintain
the investigation into everything that's pertinent
- to this. - [door closes]
Brilliant.
RHEA: Now...
Now, tell me you didn't hack the school email
- and message every Emily. - No, I didn't hack it.
- It comes up automatically. - [sighs]
Anyway, how does everybody know about this? What is...
Because of this.
OWEN: "Every Emily. Jilt--"
- J-- I'm not jilted. - Are you brain-dead?
Yeah, but I'm not jilted, though.
And anyway, it worked. She replied.
Well, at least she said it were her.
Had 20 others say it was her as well, so I guess
I'm just gonna have to find out which one's actually her.
Cool. How are you gonna do that?
I'm gonna send an email asking a question only she'll know.
No, no! Absolutely not. No more emails, Owen.
- I think it's actually illegal. - I don't think it is illegal.
And anyway, nobody actually knows it's me.
RECEPTIONIST: You.
- Yeah? - You were looking for Emily.
Yeah, no, yeah, uh, this Emily. Found her ages ago.
- Thanks. - Yeah. Yeah, you know,
- w-we're very happy together. - Mm.
Yeah, no, uh, this, uh...
- this shirt is a, it's a joke. - A joke.
I wear it so that all the-the boys
know that they don't stand a chance.
Like, don't even talk to me. [chuckles]
Can I just add quickly that I don't
make her wear that, though.
- That's, like, her choice. - No. Yeah, it's my choice.
Okay.
DR. JONES: Hmm.
You clearly have an eye for a case.
You couldn't have manufactured it better.
I didn't manufacture it.
Uh...
[laughing]: Oh, I... I see what you mean. Yeah.
DR. ABAJE: And what benefit do you see from
furthering your research
should you be granted the position here?
I'd like to explore the idea that romantic attachment
may have been beneficial at some point in human history
but is perhaps unnecessary today.
When we're infants, our survival depends
on a caregiver looking after us, feeding us,
protecting us from danger, and so naturally we attach to them.
But why do we need attachment in the romantic sense
when we're adults who can take care of ourselves?
I'd argue it's a, it's a by-product of human immaturity.
So, when it comes to romance,
you're saying we all need to grow up?
[laughing]: I'm saying that, um, that...
that I-I don't see a clear evolutionary benefit.
[sighs] If anything, I mean,
a romantic attachment puts us back in danger,
at the mercy of-of predators who can take advantage.
["Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl" by Chappell Roan playing]
So, I get an anonymous email from this sexy creep...
...who's looking for a girl called Emily.
This is a total invasion of our...
Privacy is what we're talking about here, people.
If you guys don't want him, I'll have him.
Obsessed!
Is it the most lesbian-coded thing I've ever heard? Yeah.
Creepy-ass scavenger hunt.
Do I kind of wish I'd thought of it myself?
Absolutely not.
I could be the Emily you're looking for.
Who is the real Emily?
Girl, where you at?
This thing is everywhere.
I was asked by four people today if I was the Emily.
I feel like I'm in that documentary that we watched
where it started out about, like,
that one little weird thing, and then, and then boom,
townspeople went missing, some guy was a pedophile,
everybody was dead.
- Can I have one of those? - Yeah.
Sorry, you said he was a pedophile?
What? No, just an example.
Do you have any idea what you're doing to this guy?
[scoffs] I'm not doing anything.
Really?
You expect me to believe he just found those addresses?
Three days ago, he said he wanted to give up.
- WOMAN: Excuse me. - But that wouldn't help
your word count, would it?
What are you, the thesis police?
I did-- I didn't know that this was gonna happen.
Yeah, but you're delighted it did.
My paper is actually gonna help people.
Especially Owen, and Professor Westlake agrees.
Oh, that guy is a prick.
Oh, please, can we just pay for the egg and cress?
- Yeah. - EMILY: He's a living legend.
- He's famous in psychology circles. - Uh, sorry.
He put a first-year in a bin for asking for an autograph.
I really wouldn't take my cues off him.
Well, I'm not gonna take them from you.
[scoffs softly]
I-I'm sorry. I just...
You've been trying to get Kyle to notice you
for-for months now, and-and I'm sorry,
I love you, Anna, but you could also benefit from my study
because I feel like you're making yourself look stupid.
ANNA: Mm, wow, wow.
How do you even get your head that far up your own ass?
Kyle is textbook anxious avoidant.
Kyle is my boyfriend.
Where do you think I've been going every night?
Of course. You didn't even notice.
And you're saying I'm stupid?
But I'm not the one with "Emily and Tristan"
tattooed on my finger.
That was a joke, and it was his idea.
But he didn't follow through with it, did he?
And I'm saying this with love, but I can hear you making
those drunk phone calls to him, and it's embarrassing.
And remember when you pitched up
to his family holiday unannounced?
Babe, you need to read the room.
- I mean, read the room. - Okay, he asked me to go.
Okay, Emily, please, can you just go... away?
Please do.
[computer chiming]
[line ringing]
EMILY: Hey, you've reached Emily Raine.
- Please leave a message. - [line beeps]
[line ringing]
Hey, you've reached Emily--
- Hey, you've reached Emily Raine. - [line beeps]
Please leave a message.
♪ ♪
EMILY THEWLIS: He should not be given a voice.
[feedback hums]
If predators can defend, then victims cannot mend.
- WOMAN: That's right! - [crowd murmuring agreement]
Put me on the podcast.
I am Emily!
- WOMAN: Yes, I am Emily! - [crowd cheering]
I stand with every Emily!
[cheering continues]
We will not be silenced!
[chanting]: E-M-I-L-Y,
take the hint, there's no reply!
E-M-I-L-Y, take the hint, there's no reply!
E-M-I-L-Y,
- take the hint, there's no reply! - One more!
E-M-I-L-Y, take the hint, there's no reply!
[crowd cheering]
And this... this is a message for the dean.
'Cause I know you're listening.
If you will not fight for your students' safety...
CROWD: We will!
♪ ♪
[entry bell jingles]
What are you doing?
Been trying to call you and everything.
What are you doing? Like, you blocked my number or something?
- Mm. Mm-mm. - What is it, then?
My-my phone's been, uh...
my phone's being weird. I'm sorry.
Um, Owen, you can't, you can't do this podcast.
- Why? - Because then everybody will know who you are.
Ah, this is like-- everyone thinks I'm this weird, strange,
like, toxic, masculine, incel boozer who's trying to, like,
grope girls through their email and that.
It's all just got mad and out of hand,
and I just want to show Emily, you know,
that I'm not this weird psychopath.
Owen...
...I'm really sorry.
What for?
The reason I offered to help you is...
- Yeah? - [stammers]
I want chips, boom, and I want some curry.
[hushed]: Ain't that your guy?
TRISTAN: No, wait, wait, wait.
- [mutters] - Are you being serious right now?
Em. Em.
- Hey. [chuckles] - Hi.
- [grunts playfully] - Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
Uh, I don't know. What time is it?
Breakfast, lunch, dinner?
Those are the key meals, yes. [chuckles]
OWEN: And your tea.
- Don't forget your tea. - [Tristan chuckles]
- Hi, mate. I'm-I'm Owen. - Hi. Tristan.
- Ugh. - Yeah.
- Nice to meet you. - Sorry.
Sorry, I haven't quite been to bed.
I'm a bit, ugh, you know. [chuckles]
Coleslaw and chips.
- [fingers snap] - Usual gross stuff.
I actually love coleslaw and chips.
It's-it's well nice.
[Owen eating]
TRISTAN: Slimy.
So, I handed in my thesis yesterday. Boop-boop.
Two days early. It's a big slay.
Yeah, well, the 11th hour is not for me, so...
You need a sticky toffee study buddy?
Uh, not this time. Thank you.
Okey dokey.
Uh, right. I got to get back to Libby.
She's intolerant to sodium, but she loves chips.
[whispers]: It's a nightmare. All right.
In a bit.
Nice to meet you. See...
Ciao-ciao.
Hey. Oh, what'd you order? What did you get?
♪ ♪
Hey, my mum used to have this great idea
how she'd get out of a situation.
She'd just pretend she had a burst appendix.
- So let's just do that. - [chuckles]
So I'll just pretend my appendix has burst.
- No, Owen, it's-it's fine. - What-what do you want to do?
Start robbing wallets or something?
Come on, let's just get out of here.
Grab your bag. Count of three, yeah?
Ready?
One.
Two.
Three.
[indistinct chatter]
[Tristan exclaims, grunts]
[door closes]
[Emily grunting]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no. Hit my hands, hit my hands.
[groans] The hands!
Oh, my God, I'm s-- I'm so sorry.
- I was shouting "hands" at you. - I didn't see.
- I'm-I'm sorry. - [groans]
You never done that before
where you hit someone in the hands?
I didn't see that that's what you did.
- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.
A good punch, actually.
- [pants, groans] - [chuckles]
Right.
- I got to get going. - Oh, wait.
You're gonna do the podcast?
Yeah, obviously.
Okay, well, just... just watch out for that-that podcast girl,
'cause I know she-she looks like Broadcast Barbie
and her hair smells like Christmas, but she is unhinged.
- Okay. - So just...
just stay calm, maintain eye contact,
and... and say her name a lot.
The brain loves hearing its own name.
It's, like, the most important sound in the world
to the brain, especially hers.
Okay. All right.
All right, great. Thanks for the advice.
Right, let's go.
[sniffles]
[quiet chatter]
LAURA: Ah, that's my banana.
- Sorry. - It's actually my lunch.
Oh.
Sorry, I...
I thought, like, they're for everyone and that. Sorry.
Put that back together for you like that, look.
Still edible, that.
Just don't leave it over two hours.
- Are we filming this, by the way? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, we stream everything on the uni website.
- Oh. - It's no big deal.
- It kind of is a big deal, actually. - [knocking]
Wait, hang on a... wait, hang on a minute,
'cause I didn't know this was being filmed, though.
- Three, two, one. - No, wait, hang on a minute.
Don't do the-- stop the count--
[news theme playing]
Hi. I'm Laura Lewis, and welcome to this week's show.
[over speakers]: So, our guest this week is
the man behind the mail.
Owen, thank you so much for
stepping out of the shadows to join us today.
[over TV]: A guy and a gal walk into a bar.
No, it is not the setup of a joke...
PERVY MARTIN: Oh, Christ, what you done now, lad?
LAURA: ...but the precursor to an event
that has rocked the entire campus.
Last week, our guest met and fell for Emily,
one of the 318...
How is this news?
...that received the now infamous email.
Who cares?
LAURA: Now, my question is:
Was this a harmless romantic gesture
or just sexual harassment?
Ooh, I'm not sexually harassing her, Laura.
[feedback squeals]
Okay, back away from the mic, Owen.
I'm saying I'm not sexually harassing her.
Okay, you wouldn't be the first person
to get turned down or wrong-numbered,
but you can't accept
- that that's what's happened, can you? - No, I don't think
I was wrong-numbered. That's the thing.
Well, she didn't right-number you, did she?
Well, no, but she was in a rush.
She had a birthday she had to go to,
and her friends were shouting, so she just missed off a digit.
- Happens all the time. - Okay, are you aware that
women often employ friends
to help them in potentially dangerous situations?
- Yeah, I'm aware. - You know, fake calls,
pretending they need to be somewhere.
Your actions have actually started an army.
- [crowd cheering] - A 318-strong army of women
standing together, protecting each other
from men-- predators like you.
What do you mean, predators like me?
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not dangerous or anything.
I just want to say as well, I've seen a pair of tits before.
WOMAN: Oh, you wish, mate.
- What? - [crowd murmuring]
Ah, you little prick.
OWEN: Actually, she spoke to me first,
which makes me prey, no?
- I'm actually prey. - LAURA: Oh, right, so you think
- that if a woman speaks to you first... - I'm happy to be prey.
- Can I just clarify? - What?
- You think that a woman speaking to you first... - Yeah?
...means that she wants you romantically?
- No, that's not what I said. - You did say that.
- "She spoke to me..." - No. No, I was just saying
that she spoke to me first and asked me to dance. That's all.
- I think... - And I know, yeah, that dancing and speaking
doesn't mean that someone's attracted to you or, like,
is... has an interest in you, but I've spoken to enough girls
that haven't been interested in me to know the difference.
Do you know what I mean, Laura?
You felt there was a connection?
OWEN: Yeah, there was a connection. There was--
I wouldn't be doing any of this if there wasn't.
LAURA: And you really feel like you can tell that
after one just interaction?
OWEN: Yeah. It was a great interaction.
LAURA: Do you see that, for some people,
- this just seems crazy? - I think it's crazier
if I felt like this
and did absolutely nothing about it, right?
Owen, you're not a student here, are you?
- You're staff. - I'm a sound engineer.
I don't, like, mark papers and that.
And, like, a relationship with a student
is totally aboveboard. Looked into it.
Okay, great news, if you ever have one.
Look.
Here's what I want to know.
How did you get those addresses?
Uh...
[crowd murmuring]
Owen, you said you wanted to clear your name.
Now is your chance, live.
Did anyone help you?
Um...
[stammers]
N-Nah, I just, um...
I hacked, I hacked into the system.
[crowd clamoring]
He hacked the system. Interesting.
How would you hack a system?
- [exhales sharply] - LAURA: Right, and while
you were hacking the system, did you stop and think,
"Is this what Emily wants?" at any point?
Uh, I just... [sighs]
She wanted me to contact her.
She hasn't replied to you, has she, Owen?
Why do you think that is?
Another mistype? Another birthday?
If Emily was listening right now...
Yeah.
- ...what do you want to say? - Um...
[clucks tongue]
Well, I wrote her a song.
- Oh, snap. - No.
- [crowd murmuring] - Sing it.
I don't have a... don't-don't have a guitar, so...
Oh, no, we can sort that. Cheryl?
- Yeah? - Can we get a guitar, please?
- Yep. [sighs] - Thank you.
That's all right. That's all right, Cheryl.
- [stammers] - No, it's fine. It's her job.
- Hey, hey. - [crowd murmuring excitedly]
We're getting the song! We're getting the song!
- She's actually excited. - She's got a guitar.
- ANNA: She's-- I really don't like this. - OWEN: Oh, my gosh.
- Um... - KYLE: Go on, Owen.
This could be a bit, like, rusty. I-I don't know.
No, no, the song will be great.
You sure?
[sighs] All right.
[playing gentle music]
- [crowd murmuring] - MAN: That's, like, cringe.
♪ If I run fast enough ♪
♪ Into the future, call your bluff ♪
♪ 'Cause space and time's a circle ♪
- ♪ Then I could catch you up ♪ - [groans]: Oh, God.
WOMAN: Ah, yeah.
♪ Tap your shoulder off the cuff ♪
♪ I've been a thousand different people ♪
♪ And I've been talking ♪
Oh, my gosh, he's amazing.
♪ My future was so long ago ♪
♪ You find me asking for the opening line ♪
♪ I should've known, and I never told you ♪
♪ About the mold that climbs my walls ♪
♪ And how I think I saw your face ♪
♪ In a little cluster down the hall ♪
♪ If only I could call. ♪
That's all I have right now.
[cheering and applause]
What a guy!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
LAURA: Good luck with that, Owen.
- Thank you so much for joining us today. - Boo!
- [woman whoops] - LAURA: That concludes this week's episode.
- It was definitely... - [sighs]
Well, that were undignified.
- Was it? - Martin.
LAURA: Okay, thank you, Owen.
The true freedom in this life
is knowing you're cringe
and doing it anyway.
That guy is free.
LAURA: I've been Laura Lewis.
He's been controversial.
And follow us for more.
I need to talk about this email dude!
He's won me over.
I mean, I'd like to be serenaded.
He literally hacked the system.
- I'm team Get the Girl. - It's the year of the yearners.
Can we just stop fetishizing white boys playing guitar?
Sea levels are rising.
Long-lost Gallagher brother sets off
chain reaction of shame and carnage.
He seemed like a decent guy to me.
This is a guitar tutorial for Email Guy's song.
♪ cc: Emily, baby ♪
♪ Take a chill pill like a Xanax... ♪
All I am saying is that he is a very good singer.
- It was like Ed Sheeran. - I thought it was quite cute.
But if Ed Sheeran was on Watchdog.
Let's keep watching this chaos unfold.
♪ I'm the bad guy. ♪
That's...
- Hello. - Two.
MATT: [stammers] Okay.
- That is, um... - [sets keys on table]
FREYA: Straight, straight, straight, straight.
- MATT: I am. - What are you pair doing?
I think we got a buyer. Come on.
But, uh, I'm triple-checking the width of everything
because they're saying the plans are wrong.
You sure that's what we want to do, yeah?
- Yeah. - Like, that's what we're gonna do,
just sell to the first person
like it's the most casual thing in the world, yeah?
- Yeah. - Really?
She wanted us to stay in the house.
No, Mum wanted us to sell up
so we can use the money for ourselves.
No, I don't want any money. That's not what I want.
- Oh. - Nobody needs money. That's not--
- Oh, yeah, really mature. - [mocking grunts]
That's good doing that right now, innit? Yeah.
- Really funny. - I'll measure you in a minute.
- What are you, about that? - Oh, yeah. Ah, dead funny.
- About that? - Trying to have
a serious conversation with you,
and you're doing that. Just stop!
[Matt grunting in pain]
Owen!
[grunting continues]
- [ringtone playing] - Hang on a minute.
I'm getting a phone call.
[Matt panting]
Hello?
What, are you sure that's a good idea?
Whatever it is, it's not gonna be a good idea, is it?
- Oh, yeah. - [pained grunt]
[pained grunt]
Yeah. All right, okay.
I'll see you then, then, yeah?
All right. Bye. Bye.
Uh, can we talk about this properly?
No. I got to go and meet every Emily that's enrolled at uni.
Told you.
There's a party. She might be there.
Listen, just stop measuring things, all right?
Some things can't be measured.
All houses can be measured.
I think he meant sentimentally.
Oh.
♪ Start again ♪
♪ Shut the blinds ♪
♪ I swear the rhythm 'bout to save my life ♪
♪ Now it's 11:59 ♪
- [lively chatter] - ♪ We're on the edge ♪
♪ Of a Saturday night ♪
♪ Start again... ♪
OWEN: Okay, this definitely wasn't a good idea.
Okay, oh, you're a bit close there.
Uh, right, just stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.
♪ 11:59 ♪
♪ We're on the edge of a Saturday night... ♪
EMILY 1: Here we go.
EMILY 2: Save us a piece of that, babe.
EMILY 3: Olives?
Does anyone want olives?
OWEN: I think that might be her.
Yeah, behind you. Over there.
Oh.
Do you have one with goat's cheese?
Come on. Put them in here.
Come with me.
♪ No more hiding my face... ♪
[Owen panting]
- [Owen groans, murmurs] - EMILY THEWLIS: Thank you.
- OWEN: All right, I'm just... - Oh, there's no allergens?
Uh, I'm lactose intolerant, so...
- OWEN: Sorry. - Okay.
♪ I got a hot date with my mistake... ♪
EMILY THEWLIS: Oh, wait.
OWEN: She's there.
In the red thing with the pigtails. The pigtails!
Where's the garlic sauce?
♪ Winding my waist ♪
♪ Spin back and roll it, roll it ♪
♪ In my bag now, Birkin, hold it... ♪
That is not a road-safe helmet.
OWEN: Yeah, no, I-I got it from...
- [screams] - [music and chatter stop]
EMILY THEWLIS: He's here! Somebody call the police!
EMILY PALMER: Ah, no police at the Palmers' party house!
- He's gonna kill someone! - Whoa, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!
- I'm not gonna kill anybody! - [clamoring, panicked shouting]
My mum's gonna kill me.
[clamoring continues]
Run straight, man!
You're gonna be sorry, Owen!
Oh, my God, he's so fit, though.
My type.
Wait, how is this my fault?
Because I just gave you the helmet,
I gave you the pizzas, and all you had to do
was just go in there and tell me which one she was.
Yeah, and all you had to do was understand basic hand gestures.
- It ain't hard. - Right.
Maybe I would've understood them if they weren't like this.
- Are you done, or you want to keep going? - No, I'm not.
- I'm not at the part... - Oh, you want to keep going.
- Okay, okay. - ...where you ran off screaming!
Well, what am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do, stand there and fight, yeah?
Ah, great, that'll look good in tomorrow's papers, wouldn't it?
"Psycho stalker disguised as disco pizza guy
smacks up a hundred Emilys." Great.
Oh, you think you could smack up a hundred Emilys?
Ah, yeah, I-I knew you were gonna say that.
And, no, I don't, actually.
I have what's known in boxing as a glass chin.
You box?
- Nah, I've just got a chin. - MAN: Guys!
- Hello? - Fancy two-for-one drinks
or one-pound shots at Night and Day?
- Live band till 1:00. - Yeah.
- [sighs] - Oh, these are actually great.
They used to be our support band.
Do you want to go?
I, uh, I-I have some work to do,
- but-but you should go. - All right, boring.
- You go. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'll go.
Yeah, sound. Night out on my own. Thanks a lot.
Ruin my life back there and then send me out on my own.
- Great. - Fine, fine. Okay, I'll come.
- Let's go, then. - I haven't ruined your life.
- OWEN: You have ruined it. - EMILY: No, I haven't.
OWEN: [stammers] Oh, listen. Let's just talk about this
- over a drink. - EMILY: Okay, fine.
- Over a one-pound shot. - I'm not having that discussion
- we just had back there now. - EMILY: Okay, great.
- OWEN: All right. - EMILY: Fine.
OWEN: Talk about what's happened there in here.
♪ The bay, the bay remains the same ♪
♪ The bay, the bay, and it means nothing ♪
♪ In any other life ♪
♪ I'd choose you every time ♪
♪ And any other day, I'd stay and I'd wait... ♪
[Emily grunts]
- You good? - So good.
- [song ends]
- [cheering and applause] - They're so good.
All right, Manchester, we're W.H. Lung.
How you doing?
[cheering and applause]
- Going to the front. Let's go. - Oh, okay.
[band playing "How to Walk"]
[vocalizing]
♪ Hand me the flower ♪
♪ I'll hand you my sun ♪
♪ And we'll have the ocean ♪
♪ In the joining of our palms ♪
♪ You give me the freedom ♪
♪ To offer up my song ♪
♪ Feel like I had my eyes shut ♪
♪ For so long, for so long ♪
Yes, mate. You all right? How you doing?
- Yeah, yeah, good, yeah. Yeah. - Good.
- Come up onstage. Yeah, come up onstage with us. - Nah, nah.
- Come onstage with us. Come on. - [Emily laughing]
Yes, mate, you all right? You remember this one? Yeah?
This lad is one of our finest! Give it up!
[cheering and whooping]
Take it away, baby.
[song continues]
- [playing electric guitar solo] - [crowd cheering]
[laughing]
[whooping]
♪ I'm learning how to walk with you ♪
♪ Like it's the last thing that I'll ever do ♪
♪ I'm learning how to walk with you ♪
♪ It's the last thing that I'll ever do ♪
♪ I'm learning how to walk with you ♪
♪ Like it's the last thing that I'll ever do ♪
- Ow! - MAN: Sorry, love. You all right?
♪ I'm learning how to walk with you ♪
♪ It's the last thing that I'll ever, ever do ♪
- You okay? - [chuckles]
- All right, let's go, let's go. - [chuckles]: Okay.
♪ ♪
[song ends]
- Ow. - Just be gentle, gentle.
- Uh-huh. - Gentle with it. Gentle.
Only press it gentle.
- Uh, gently. - Yeah, I am.
Ah.
[inhales sharply]
- You okay? - How do I look?
- [smacks lips] 'Angin. - What's that?
It's like, your face, it knocks me sick.
Thanks.
Cut looks good, though.
- Proper hard. - [chuckles]
[groans]: Ow. Ow.
Please don't make me laugh.
I didn't know I could.
♪ ♪
[Emily chuckles softly]
- Do you want this? - Nah. I'm okay.
- Looks good. - Just-just press it back on there.
Got blood on it.
♪ ♪
[food sizzling]
[laughing]: You can't have more than 100% water.
- What do you mean? - You can't.
What about like 200%, then?
[laughing]: What are you saying?
Like, I'm just enjoying the kebab.
Ow.
Just wondering if you were for blue or red.
Quite important to know that.
Go, blue.
[laughing]
In a past life, I was definitely, like,
a medieval farmhand, and I had like seven
- little sickly children... - [group chattering loudly]
- AMY: Ah, chicken! - ...with, like, little booties.
AMY: Can I get two chicken burgers, mate?
LOUIS: And if you deliver, can you take her home?
- MAN: We don't do any burgers. - Take her home, then.
AMY: Oh, you don't do chicken burgers?
They want chicken burgers. They can get just an order...
You can always get, like,
just normal kebab meat and get it in a pita.
- What? Who asked you? - I bet he works here.
No, I don't work here. I was just saying.
- [overlapping arguing] - I don't want any chicken burger.
I didn't want any-- Thank you, mate.
That's very nice of you...
OWEN: I was just saying, like, I just thought...
AMY: Are you all right?
You some kind of hard lad?
- What do you mean? - Who likes hitting women?
- What? - Do you? Is that what you want to do?
- Do you like hitting women?! - [overlapping shouting]
- No, no, no, no, no! - Do you know what that is?!
[overlapping shouting continues]
- It's okay, it's okay. - [stammers]
No, no, no. It wasn't, it wasn't him, it wasn't him.
It was s-- it was something else.
It was an accident at the club, and some guy ran into me.
- It's-it's fine. Don't worry. - Right.
- Yeah? - I'm okay, really.
But thank you.
This, uh, this lad is actually--
he's a really, he's a really good one.
- Okay? - Right.
- And he's-he's got a...
he's got a glass chin.
And actually-- come on.
If you just, like, listen to his heart,
you can, you can hear...
- Pure weird this. - It is a bit weird, innit?
- Yeah. - AMY: Babe.
LOUIS: What?
- It sounds like... - His heartbeat.
Like Cardi B!
- Carl who? - [gasps] Ah, amazing.
- LOUIS: Who's Carl B? - How have you done that, mate?
- Come on. - [chuckles]: Wow.
Sorry.
[Amy and Louis chattering indistinctly]
Wow.
- [laughing] - Okay.
EMILY: You have got to get back into music.
You're so good!
And I know I said that already.
- Say it again. Say it again. - Okay, I'll say it again.
- You're so good. - Ah.
- I want to watch your band. - Nah.
- Yes. - Nah, nah, nah.
- There's no getting that band back together. - Ugh.
Two lads joined another one, and, you know.
I did some really bad open mics for a bit,
but then obviously my mum got ill
and I had to pay for treatment, and now...
Yeah. I don't know.
There's no money, like, in music anyway, is there?
So... yeah.
How long ago did your mom...
Uh... 364 days.
[inhales sharply]
- Yeah. - I'm so sorry.
Thanks.
You know, afterwards,
I-I had this obsession with death for a bit.
But I'm-I'm over that now. I got, I'm just...
you know, looking at life instead of death.
That's me.
Nice. Nice place.
You really didn't have to walk me home.
Ah, what happens if I get jumped again?
You're my protection, ain't you?
Yes, that-that is true.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Don't want that happening, do I? - [laughs]: No.
WOMAN: Oh, my God, that's Email Guy.
- No way. Is it? - All right.
- It is? [gasps] - Shh.
- He'll hear you. - [laughing]
Well, anyway, I better get going before I hear them.
- Yeah. - You shouldn't have let me do that podcast.
[chuckles]: Well, I told you not to.
Yeah, but you weren't very convincing, were you?
- Love makes you do mad things. - Nah.
I wasn't doing it for love.
I was doing it for me, clear my name and that.
Well, didn't you say it was love at first sight?
Uh, I don't think so.
Anyway, a lot's happened since first sight, hasn't it?
[chatter approaching]
- Yeah. - [group laughing]
All right, uh...
Night, then, Emily.
- I'll, uh... - Oh.
- [chuckles]: Night. - Yeah. See you later.
- Don't get jumped. - Nah, I'm gonna run.
- Okay. - See ya.
♪ But now you're in my way ♪
♪ Your stare was holding ♪
♪ Ripped jeans, skin was showing ♪
♪ Hot night, wind was blowing ♪
♪ Where you think you're going, baby? ♪
♪ Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number, so call me maybe ♪
♪ It's hard to look right at you, baby ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
- ♪ So call me maybe ♪ - [babbling chatter]
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪ - [chatter over phone]
♪ And this is craz-- ♪
♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
- ♪ And this is crazy... ♪ - [song fades]
LAURA: We are live.
We are here on campus.
Tensions are really rising.
Emilys are gathering in the masses.
And we want to know what you think.
Do you think he's a sexy pest or a sex pest?
Vote in the Instagram poll.
- The dean is about to speak. - [crowd murmuring]
The safety of our students is our number one priority.
We are well aware of the recent security breach
committed by a junior member of staff
who was on probationary employment.
I can report his position within our institution
has been terminated with immediate effect.
♪ ♪
[crowd shouting indistinctly]
Quite the stunt, Raine.
What do you mean?
Get this right, and the Donegan position
is surely gonna be yours.
15 hours to write this up and deliver.
You must be thrilled.
♪ ♪
[video game music playing]
[cat meows]
FREYA: Don't think he's done anything stupid, do you?
When has he ever done something that isn't stupid?
Matt.
Let's stop worrying.
Look, I know my brother, all right?
Like, he'll be in a field somewhere shouting at the sky,
being all melodramatic,
and he'll probably write a song about it.
- [phone ringing] - Owen.
Owen.
Thank God. Are you all right? Where are you?
I'm, uh...
Uh, I'm in the Peak District.
What did I tell you? He written a song?
Are you okay?
OWEN: Look, uh, listen.
I'm... I'm not gonna have any money this month.
- Uh... - That's-that's okay.
It's not. It's not okay, though, is it?
I...
I just wanted to stay in the house, and I thought maybe I...
I know, Owen. I know.
But, um...
[sighs]: it has to happen.
And... we really need your help with this.
You know, we can't stay here forever.
I was supposed to be sorting my life out...
you know, for you guys, and, you know,
I promised her that I'd be all right, and...
[sniffles] ...instead I'm just some melt
that can't hold down a job and just...
can't see when a girl's trying to run away from me.
Nah, that was, that was a mix-up.
Was it? Is that what you believe, yeah?
Well, why didn't she reply, then?
She got the email.
I mean, one word would've just ended all of this.
There are a million reasons why she didn't reply.
- You don't know her. - I do know her. I do.
No, you don't. She's a stranger, Owen.
Anyway, it takes like two minutes
to reply to an email, don't it?
You're making this all about you.
A relationship is two people
with their own specifically complicated shit going on
just trying their best.
It's relentlessly disappointing and...
- imperfect and... - All right?
...and magical.
But everyone thinks I'm an idiot now.
- No one thinks that. - They do think that.
One website called me a rapist virgin.
Not an idiot, though.
Look, you're gonna find someone who gets it, gets you.
Yeah, well, I thought I had.
There isn't just one.
Look, stay where you are.
Matt's gonna come pick you up.
And drop him a pin.
All right. Bye.
Bye.
[muffled shout]
[birds chirping]
[sheep bleating in distance]
If she was looking down on us now...
...what do you think she'd say?
Probably, "Give over, you soft shite."
Yeah.
[chuckling softly]
[laughing]
Right, put it on.
Nah.
[tape clicking]
- You're gonna do it anyway. - Yeah.
Great.
["Wordy Rappinghood" by Tom Tom Club playing]
Come on.
Ugh.
[singing along]: ♪ What are words worth? Words ♪
♪ Words in papers, words in books ♪
♪ Words on TV, words for crooks ♪
♪ Words of comfort, words of peace ♪
♪ Words to make the fighting cease ♪
♪ Words to tell you what to do ♪
♪ Words are working hard for you ♪
♪ Eat your words but don't go hungry ♪
♪ Words have always nearly hung me ♪
- ♪ A ram sam sam, a ram sam sam ♪ - [laughs]
♪ Guli guli guli guli ram sam sam ♪
♪ Hi kye yay, yippie yi kye yay ♪
♪ Awoo awoo ayee kie chi' ♪
♪ What are words worth? ♪
♪ What are words worth? Words ♪
♪ Words of nuance, words of skill... ♪
You don't know this bit, do you?
- [both laughing] - ♪ Words are stupid, words are fun ♪
♪ Words can put you on the run ♪
- [song continues in French] - ♪ French, French, French ♪
♪ French, French, French, Frenchy, Frenchy ♪
♪ Frenchy, Frenchy, French, French, French ♪
♪ A ram sam sam, a ram sam sam ♪
♪ Guli guli guli guli ram sam sam ♪
♪ Hi kye yay, yippie yi kye yay ♪
♪ Awoo awoo ayee kie chi' ♪
♪ What are words worth? ♪
[computer whooshes softly]
[sighs]
["Divisive" by We Have Band playing]
EMILY: You're not unemployed.
You're fun-employed.
Let's be positive. We're gonna get you a job.
Are you that virgin that stalked the girl
- at the university? - OWEN: I wasn't stalking her.
I'm not a virgin, either.
- Slept with people before. - How many?
- Just, uh... - Oh, don't answer that, Owen.
Is that a standard interview question?
Nah. Got to have your own moped.
♪ It was easy to see that it was one of your lies... ♪
What about that guy over there? He looks like the manager.
MANAGER: You want standard interview questions?
Who was the sound engineer
on Led Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy?
Eddie Kramer.
"The Day the Music Died" refers to
the tragic death of which three artists?
Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper.
Sugababes' "Push the Button," what year was it released?
- 2005. - How many people have you slept with?
Two.
♪ You take me out this way... ♪
- You should talk to him. - All right.
Yeah, no, don't take that. Keep that here.
Yeah, I'm gonna pick that up.
- I'm gonna round that down to zero. - OWEN: What?
And I'm not hiring.
Come on.
- Let's get a drink. - Nah.
- It's on me. - All right.
COMMENTATOR [over TV]: A clash steeped in tradition...
OWEN: So, like, this Donegan thing,
you've made the short list. That's-that's amazing.
I still have to get a first in my dissertation,
but, uh, but, yeah, it's cool.
What's your dissertation about?
Uh, nothing.
Nothing. It's, uh, it's-it's boring.
- Doubt that. - [laughs]
I am excited, though, not just 'cause it'd get me a work visa,
but I just... yeah, I really like it, you know?
Helping people figure themselves out.
[dart falls on floor]
[both laugh]
Your mum must be proud. Are you guys close?
Yeah.
Well, we talk a lot, you know. We-- I just--
I couldn't tell you what about. [chuckles]
She's got really into, like, telling me local news
from countries that neither of us are in.
I don't know where she gets this stuff, but, like...
like, "There's been a salad contamination in Hamburg."
Did you know that?
- Well, might be useful, though. - Yeah.
We don't really have deep conversations, I guess,
and, yeah, I just stopped trying to start them.
You know, I always felt closest to my mum when we were just
shouting at the telly, like answers at Wheel of Fortune.
90 Day Fiancéfor me.
Nice.
Excuse me. I was just wondering if you were hiring..
♪ ♪
EMILY: Can we get a jalfrezi or something?
I'm so hungry right now.
Do you know what? I actually cook half-decent curry.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I live dead close by. Do you want to come over?
Cook for you. Uh, to pay you back for the pints and that.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah, sounds great, yeah.
Oh, we can watch that, uh, new documentary,
- um, about the-the murder - [phone chimes]
in the underground origami championships,
In Fold Blood.[chuckles]
What? What is it?
- It's her. - Who?
Amelie.
Her name's Amelie.
That's why she didn't reply,
'cause she didn't get the email, did she?
- Got her name wrong. - [laughs]: What?
[Emily stammers]
- Well, how do you know? - Look.
[mumbling]: "Hi. I think you've been trying to contact me.
My name's Amelie. I'm..."
My God, she wants to meet you tonight.
- That's... - Now what am I supposed to do?
[laughs]: Well, you go. I mean...
Yeah, it's... Amelie.
I mean, that's-that's...
that's what all this has been for, right?
Yeah, I mean, what, like, wh-what is it?
Is it a date or what? Like, I don't know.
What am I supposed to say, something like that?
- Wh-What am I supposed to wear? - Your green checked shirt.
- I should probably... - Yeah.
Uh, do you want, you want-- Sorry.
Uh, do you want to...
Like, how you gonna get that jalfrezi, though?
- You, uh, do you want to... - [laughs]
I'll just, I'll... I'll get takeaway.
- It's-it's-it's fine. - Are you sure?
Yeah.
- Okay. - [inhales sharply]
- She's gonna love you. - [clicks tongue]
Yeah.
- Go. Go on. [chuckles] - [stammers]
Are you okay getting back and that?
- Like, you know the way? - Y-Yeah, yeah.
- You sure? Yeah? - [laughs]: Sure.
All right.
- [laughs]: Okay, go. Go get her. - All right.
Go get her. [inhales sharply]
[sighs]
♪ ♪
What the hell is that?
EMILY: It's, uh... well, it was supposed to say,
"Sorry for being a..."
uh, but I-I ran out of icing.
I thought you'd find it funny. [chuckles]
But you don't.
I actually am really sorry.
Well, I'm not the one that needs an arsehole cake.
Have you told Owen?
No. [sighs]
I will soon.
Fun update, though.
Um, Amelie with an "A" just texted him and said
she does want to go on a date.
Sor-- Amelie?
You're f-- you're kidding.
Which is... excellent.
Is it?
Yeah.
[inhales deeply]
Okay, come here.
Come here.
EMILY: I'm so sorry.
[Anna speaking muffled, indistinctly]
- EMILY: What? - I love you.
EMILY: I love you.
[both laugh]
Are you getting married or something?
Like, how much did I miss?
Honey, it's the, it's the leavers' ball tonight.
Right. Yeah.
- Sorry, I forgot. - Oh, shush. Just...
[kisses]
Mm. Do you know what I've got the biggest urge to do?
I designed it with that in mind.
- Oh, my God, really? - Yes.
[squeals, laughs]
[grunts, squeals]
[laughing]
That's disgusting.
It's mousse.
Mmm.
- Think I'm pretty? - [laughs]
- ♪ If I reinvent myself ♪ - [lively chatter]
♪ Every time I feel the need ♪
♪ Are they bored of it by now? ♪
♪ I wanted them to be ♪
♪ Infatuated by me... ♪
- Hi. - Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Took me about two weeks to get here. [chuckles]
Yeah, two weeks, exactly.
Better late than pregnant. [laughs]
What?
Sorry.
Um, I make dad jokes when I'm nervous.
Actually, that's not even a dad joke.
That's from The Golden Girls, who you probably have
no idea about, and I can't claim
I've watched it myself, but I've seen the meme.
[chuckles]: Okay.
I'm gonna go out and come back in again.
No, no, it's fine.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, honestly.
I-I got you a beer. It might be a little bit,
little bit warm now, but yeah.
Oh, I saw you got sacked.
Yeah. Yeah, but you know what?
I'm better-better off out of that place anyway.
Do you know what I mean? Well, not-not financially or...
[inhales deeply]
...or professionally. I'm just...
But hey, I'm fun-employed, living life.
Is that, is that how you, like, heard about this or...?
No, I saw the interview.
Right.
All right, okay.
Why didn't you say anything?
Don't know.
Um...
I was away at the start.
When I came back,
it just felt like it had become this huge thing.
Yeah.
And everyone was looking for me, and it was all just...
...a bit much.
Nah, yeah. Yeah, I could-could imagine.
It's all, it's all been a bit...
it's all been a bit mad.
[band playing rock music]
Good evening, MCU. How we doing tonight?
[cheering and lively chatter]
♪ I wanna know ♪
♪ Since you've been gone ♪
♪ Have I been on ♪
♪ Your mind? ♪
♪ 'Cause there's still something only we see ♪
- ♪ Don't talk ♪ - [crowd cheering wildly]
♪ I'd have to run to kiss your mouth ♪
[crowd singing along]: ♪ There's a reason why ♪
♪ I never returned your calls ♪
♪ I wish I could forget it all... ♪
[chuckles] Amelie.
I mean, what... what is she, French? What kind of name is that?
I mean, it's-it's pretty similar to yours, to be honest.
And to get in touch after all this time,
like, I mean, why, you know?
And the Electric Shuffle,
I mean, who suggests that as a meeting place?
It's-it's so... organized fun,
and-and-and the lighting is terrible,
and they have those fruity beers, which he'll hate...
Okay, just stop. Stop.
Listen. Stop, please.
I know why you are helping him.
Yeah?
You're into that soft lad, aren't you?
Yeah.
- No. No. - Yeah, look at you. Yeah.
No, I'm not, I'm not into anyone, okay?
I just... I actually have a whole spiel about
how romantic attachment is an evolutionary hangover.
I'm not gonna get into it right now, but I'll probably just,
uh, sleep with this guy, so...
Sweet.
I'm Callum.
- ♪ My eyes align ♪ - [playing romantic rock song]
♪ With you ♪
♪ You're on my side ♪
♪ And I'm all truth ♪
♪ A metaphor, our fight ♪
♪ Now I'd be gone for weeks... ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stay, fragile tower of glass.
Stay.
Why do they have this?
This is playing with fire.
[Tristan sighs, stammers]
You decided what you're doing after graduation yet?
It's all hanging in the balance.
[British accent]: Terribly exciting.
Well, you'll be okay.
I-I never worry about you.
[normal voice]: There was a time when I wanted so much
- for you to worry about me. - Sorry?
What? No, no, no.
I meant I-I don't worry because,
you know, you're brilliant, and you're clever,
and, you know, things always work out for you.
You're a phoenix rising and... [stammers]
Are we good? You seem displeased.
- [chuckles] - At me.
I am. I am displeased.
I'm-I'm... I'm displeased at myself.
Shit. I'm-I'm... [smacks lips]
I think I made things weird, and, you know,
I was trying to make things okay,
and then I didn't, and, you know, I don't know.
I'm...
I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry for these words.
[babbles] Puke.
Honestly, Tristan, it, uh, it...
It doesn't matter.
♪ You're just a flight away ♪
- ♪ You give me that love talk ♪ - [sighs]
♪ Only made me feel worse ♪
♪ I hate leaving the town that owns me ♪
♪ Tonight your mind will be love talk, love talk. ♪
♪ ♪
- [song ends] - [quiet chatter]
...neck-deep in the ecosystem
of ancient Caledonian pine trees.
I study geography.
[chuckles] Um...
Yeah, I love pine trees, me.
[laughs]
Did you ever want to go to uni?
Wasn't ever really a choice.
It was just, like...
I had no money, and I-I didn't go to college.
I'm not really very academic.
But I've heard there's different types
of, like, intelligence and stuff, so...
Yeah, there are actually seven, I think. My-my...
Oh, my God. It's you.
- What do you mean? - You're the Email Guy, right?
- [chuckles] - Yeah.
Wait, are you Emily? Like, the Emily?
- My name's Amelie. - Amelie. Cool. Funny.
[laughs] You know what?
- I need to tell the others. - OWEN: Nah, you don't.
- You don't need to tell anyone. - Like-- Emilys! Guys!
- Sorry. I'm really sorry. - There's a bunch of us here.
And thank you, by the way. We all met at the party.
[women clamoring]
["Fairy Tales" by Stockholm Monsters playing]
♪ Easy to tell, is it easy to tell? ♪
[song fades]
- [crowd singing indistinctly] - [train passing]
[panting]
So, uh, I think that's a cue to call it a night, yeah?
Maybe another time.
Listen, I'm, uh, I'm really sorry about, like, everything.
It's all just been a bit...
I never should've...
It's-it's cool.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right, well, maybe get yourself a bodyguard.
- [chuckles]: Yeah. Yeah. - [chuckles]
Right. See you around.
Yeah, that's, uh, way less likely than you think, but...
Gonna be okay getting home, yeah?
♪ ♪
[panting]
[groans]
Come on.
[muttering]
Emily? Emily?
MAN [in distance]: Oh, my God, shut up, mate!
[muttering]
[exhales heavily]
Right.
- ANNA: Stop it. Stop. - KYLE: Oh, crap.
ANNA: Oi! Oi, oi, oi! What are you doing?
Uh, just, uh, uh... [stammers]
I don't know.
Owen! Oh, my God, bro!
- I love you. - Thanks.
Ch-Cheers, man. Cheers. Thanks.
ANNA: Are you trying to break into the flat?
Uh... nah.
Nah, this is, uh...
I'm-I'm looking, I'm looking for-for Emily.
She-she-she said she lives in...
- Our flat. Our flat. - ...in that one maybe.
- "Our flat"? Wh-- Oh. - Hi.
- Nice to meet you. - Yeah.
By the way, she left just before us,
so she'll be back probably, like, any minute.
- But shall we go inside? - Y-Yeah, if that's okay.
Were you about to climb the drainpipe?
Ah, yeah, I was thinking about it.
Incredible scenes.
[sets down keys]
OWEN: Do you want me to take my shoes off, or...?
- No. - Nah, you're good, man.
- All right. - You're good.
- Tea? Tea? - Mm-hmm.
- Nah, I'm good. - God, I need a chamomile.
- Mwah. - [Anna sighs]
Could I use your toilet, actually, if that's all right?
Yeah, sure. It's just to the left.
Thanks.
[sighs heavily]
KYLE: Oh, my God, we're out of chamomile.
- [utensils clinking] - ANNA: No, it's in the top.
[water running]
[sets down photo cube]
["Atmosphere" by James Blake playing]
[softly]: "What is madness?"
"Romantic attachment self-sabotaging..."
♪ Walk ♪
♪ In silence ♪
♪ Don't walk away ♪
♪ In silence ♪
♪ See the danger ♪
♪ Always danger ♪
- [reading quietly] - ♪ Endless talking ♪
♪ Life rebuilding ♪
♪ Don't walk away ♪
OWEN [recorded]: And obviously she ain't gonna have
social media. Anyway, she's too cool, so...
EMILY [recorded]: You can't know everything about someone
- in 20 minutes. - OWEN [recorded]: Yeah, but
you know everything you need to know, don't you?
EMILY [recorded]: No, people only tell you
what they want you to know.
OWEN [recorded]: It's not what about you say, though.
It's... it's-it's about the vibe.
♪ Walk... ♪
EMILY [recorded]: My professor, he wrote this amazing paper:
- "Are we in love with the people in our lives..." - Owen.
"...or just our projections of them?"
RHEA [recorded]: Love isn't something
that should be studied.
EMILY [recorded]: Well, actually,
a lot of people study love.
RHEA [recorded]: No, man, you can't look at it too long.
- Otherwise it'll just disappear. - [recording stops]
♪ Your confusion... ♪
Owen, I... [sighs]
I was... [panting] I was gonna tell you.
I actually, I-I... I went to see you tonight to-to tell you.
[voice fading]: It just started as this project
for my degree...
♪ Confronts and then dies ♪
♪ Don't walk away ♪
[Emily continues speaking indistinctly]
[faintly]: I wanted to tell you.
I was going to...
[door closes]
[hyperventilating]
♪ People like you ♪
♪ Find it easy ♪
♪ Naked to see ♪
[faintly]: Um...
- I'm Emily. Is Owen here? - ♪ Walking on air ♪
Uh, no.
- Thanks. - ♪ Hunting by the rivers ♪
♪ Through the streets, every corner ♪
♪ Abandoned too soon ♪
♪ Set down with due care ♪
[faintly]: Could you just tell him that I'm really sor--
RHEA: Mate, look, it's done.
It's actually done.
You messed it up.
Okay, enough.
♪ In silence ♪
♪ Don't walk away ♪
♪ In silence ♪
♪ Don't walk away. ♪
[song ends]
[phone beeps]
["Off Wiv Ya Headz" by Nia Archives playing over phone]
♪ ♪
[Emily groans]
♪ Off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off ♪
♪ Off, off, off... ♪
[grunting] Come on.
Anna!
♪ Off, off, off, off, off, off ♪
♪ Off with your head ♪
♪ Dance, dance till you're dead ♪
♪ Heads will roll, heads will roll ♪
♪ Heads will roll on the floor ♪
♪ Off, off with your head ♪
♪ Dance, dance till you're dead ♪
♪ Heads will roll, heads will roll ♪
♪ Heads will roll on the floor. ♪
♪ ♪
[both screaming wildly]
[panting]
[sobbing]
[laughing]
[both laughing]
[song ends]
- ANNA: I mean, you got 92. - KYLE: You got a first?
EMILY: It's just the written mark.
I still need to do my presentation.
So? You could literally go there,
take a [blows raspberry] dump on the desk
- and still get a first or 92. - Kyle.
Well, I'm not saying do that. I'm just saying she could.
[line ringing]
OWEN [recorded]: Hello. You've reached Owen.
- Leave a message after the beep. - [line beeps]
Okay, come on. There's-there's got to be something we can do.
Here, have a fresh lemon. There you go.
It's really nice. No? Not the time?
Okay, Kyle, um, imagine that I'd lied to you
and played a small but vital role in making the whole world
think you're a psycho sex pest and got you sacked.
How would I win back your affection?
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
[clicks tongue] Gosh, it really is a tricky one.
Okay. Thanks, guys.
Super helpful.
[news theme playing over TV]
LAURA [over TV]: Good morning.
Yes, that's right. I'm Laura Lewis.
Today we're talking about the ongoing destruction...
Actually, there's... there's one more thing I can try.
LAURA: Dean, we want to hear from you.
We've signed petitions.
We've held marches.
We want to know when it will end. There is...
Sorry, just a small technical going on here.
She's Emily.
[gasps]
[news theme playing]
Hi. I'm Laura Lewis, and we are back with breaking news.
There are two sides to every story.
And last week, you'll remember our guest,
the infamous Owen, on his quest to find dream girl Emily.
Today we are joined by none other than Emily.
How is this still happening?
LAURA: Emily, good to have you. Welcome to the podcast.
- This is bad. - This is not good.
LAURA: Now, I just want to make things clear, just to clarify.
You are not the Emily, are you? Not dream girl Emily?
[chuckles] Uh, no.
No, fraid not.
From what you've just told me, you are the Emily
who he trusted to help him find her
and in the process was branded a toxic incel?
[over tablet]: A true crime Ed Sheeran?
A northern Don Juan?
The thirstiest man on campus...
[knocks]
- EMILY THEWLIS: Dean. - Do you see the sign?
- I'm on a bike break. - You're gonna want to see this.
To what extent do you think
that his behavior actually warranted this response?
[sighs] Well, not-not at all.
I-I don't think it's-it's warranted.
You feel at all responsible?
[scoffs] Very, yeah.
I've-I've been really selfish.
Look, he's blocked my number.
Oh, well, that sounds like his first rational decision.
- So, what were you trying to prove by... - Please.
I'm-I'm just here because I want
to apologize to him, to everyone.
I know I've been an asshole.
No swearing, please. We're pre-watershed.
Cheryl, the disclaimer.
Owen, if you're listening,
my final presentation is tomorrow.
Please come.
I think it might help clarify a few things.
And I really am very sorry, but I think I can explain.
LAURA: She hopes she can explain.
All will be revealed.
Tomorrow, 2:00 p.m., the Stoller Hall.
We'll be live on the ground bringing the best coverage.
Follow us and follow me for more
at LauraLewisGlobalMedia.com.
Cheryl, run the tags.
I'm running the tags.
- The tags? - Yeah.
Down below. Comment, like, subscribe.
Thanks for watching. Stay tuned for more.
I think you should go, hear her out.
I might agree.
Yeah, well, I've heard enough from her, actually.
Thanks a lot.
FREYA: Can't get any worse.
Oh, yeah, well, somehow it always does.
Listen, guys, thanks for your interest and that,
but I'm not gonna go, okay?
So, did time stand still with this one?
No, it didn't, actually. It rushed past.
Well, there you go.
Don't bother, then.
[footsteps departing]
[door closes]
STUDENT: Therefore, though today's practices of self-care
are classified as modern and innovative,
it's actually a direct rephrasing
of ideas grounded in...
[whispering]: Is Owen here?
STUDENT: These theories take a holistic approach,
embracing the individual experience,
- [sighs] - ideas of the psyche,
shadow work and spiritual longing, which we would...
[whispering]: Nervous?
[student continues speaking indistinctly]
I've seen you moping about.
Whatever you're about to do, don't.
Don't throw it all away on a dopamine hit.
The fleeting rush of
telling someone, "I love you."
Actions have consequences.
A butterfly flaps its wings.
And so on.
STUDENT: ...and self-actualization.
Sound familiar? Thank you.
In your own time.
[hushed]: We are live. We are here at Stoller Hall.
Emily Raine is about to speak.
[crowd murmuring]
[light clanks on]
[person coughing]
[crowd continues murmuring]
[crowd quiets]
Toni Morrison declared romantic love to be
one of the most destructive ideas
in the history of human thought.
I have been obsessed with this idea.
My thesis sought to establish a link between
romantic attachment and self-sabotaging behavior.
"Madness," to quote Freud.
And I succeeded.
However, m-my findings are not in response to my case study
but to my true subject:
myself.
[crowd murmuring quietly]
In the latter stages of my research,
it became apparent that I had...
fallen for my original case study.
[sighs] And in doing so,
made self-sabotage a foregone conclusion.
One you're witnessing right now.
Owen didn't hack the system.
I gave him the emails.
[crowd murmuring]
- [hushed]: Emily. Emily, stop. - I... I thought it wasn't cool
to-to disprove my own hypothesis, and...
[sighs] I was wrong.
And I'm-I'm sorry.
Romantic attachment may be an evolutionary hangover,
but I-I think it's vital for human connection and growth.
I know a-a psychologist cannot accurately analyze themselves,
but it's my opinion that it's impossible
to externally monitor love.
From the outside, it all seems...
incoherent, illogical and impractical,
and-and only from the inside does it make complete sense.
♪ ♪
[crowd murmuring]
I'm so sorry.
[crowd continues murmuring]
[door closes]
- There she goes. - Mm.
[whispering]: Go and get him, Emily.
♪ ♪
Owen! [panting]
Well, what was all that about?
Uh, I was trying to apologize.
But that wasn't for me, was it? That was for them.
[over speakers]: So you can get a first
or-or a visa or whatever.
Oh, no, we're gonna hear the whole thing.
[stammers]
Are you kidding? I just... I just threw a grenade at my life
doing a grand gesture, trying to get your attention.
So you think grand gestures is what I want?
- I want people to be honest with me. - Wh...
Emily, that's what I want.
I want you to be honest with me.
Just tell me how you feel.
Well, I literally just said it
in front of a whole room full of...
I like you. [stammers]
[sighs] I like...
I-I-I like how you always ask questions,
and I-I like how you tuck your hands
into your sleeves when you're nervous.
And I-I like how you talk so passionately
and so boringly about the, about the Champions League.
And-and your relentlessly positive outlook on love
is unwell, but you make it seem healthy.
And you're... you're kind and you're funny.
You make me laugh, and...
...you made me see the world in colors I never knew existed.
Think you might have the wrong idea.
I've only come here 'cause, like,
I've got a message from your dad.
So...
[laughing]
Right.
♪ ♪
What happens now?
♪ ♪
[whispering]: Did you get all of that?
Cute.
Okay. You're up.
[laughing]
♪ ♪
[alternative rock music playing]
♪ If I run fast enough ♪
♪ Into the future, call your bluff ♪
♪ 'Cause space and time's a circle ♪
♪ Then I could catch you up ♪
♪ Tap your shoulder off the cuff ♪
♪ I've been a thousand different people ♪
♪ And I've been talking ♪
♪ My future was so long ago ♪
♪ Find me asking ♪
♪ For the opening line I should have known ♪
♪ And I never told ya ♪
♪ About the mold that climbs my walls ♪
♪ And how I think I saw your face ♪
♪ In a little cluster down the hall ♪
♪ If only I could call ♪
♪ If I run fast enough ♪
♪ Into the future, call your bluff ♪
♪ 'Cause space and time's a circle ♪
♪ Then I could catch you up ♪
♪ Tap your shoulder off the cuff ♪
♪ I've been a thousand different people ♪
♪ I wish I'd seen ya ♪
All right, everyone say "Emily!"
- ALL: Emily! - ♪ The big glowing stop sign ♪
♪ On the road that I'd been driving ♪
♪ When you were right under my nose ♪
♪ And if I just noticed ♪
♪ That little shortcut in your eyes ♪
♪ I'd have jumped right through it ♪
♪ And lived our lives on the other side ♪
♪ No compromise ♪
♪ If I run fast enough ♪
♪ Into the future, call your bluff ♪
♪ 'Cause space and time's a circle ♪
♪ Then I could catch you up ♪
♪ Tap your shoulder off the cuff ♪
♪ I've been a thousand different people. ♪
[melodic whistling]
[song ends]
["Flowers [Sunship Remix]" by Sweet Female Attitude playing]
♪ Hey, ooh, whoa, baby ♪
♪ Hey, always be, whoa, baby ♪
♪ Hey, did I say, ooh, whoa, baby ♪
♪ Hey, ooh, be ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I'll bring you flowers ♪
♪ Whoa, baby ♪
♪ Oh, ooh, oh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Hey, uh-uh ♪
♪ I'll bring you flowers in the pouring rain ♪
♪ Living without you is driving me insane ♪
♪ I'll bring you flowers, I'll make your day ♪
♪ The tears you cry, I'll dry them all away, away ♪
♪ Hey, ooh, whoa, baby ♪
♪ Hey, always be, whoa, baby ♪
♪ Hey, did I say, ooh, whoa, baby ♪
♪ Hey, ooh, be ♪
♪ From the day until the day we throw it all away ♪
♪ Let's talk about it, 'cause I can't do without it ♪
♪ Your love ♪
♪ It means so much to me, can't you see? ♪
♪ Right here, I'll always be ♪
♪ Oh, by the way, did I say that I am here to stay? ♪
♪ Right here beside you, I will never deny you my love ♪
♪ You're everything to me, can't you see? ♪
♪ I will give it to you unselfishly ♪
♪ Hey, always be, oh ♪
♪ Hey, did I say, ooh, whoa, baby ♪
♪ Hey, ooh, be ♪
♪ I'll bring you flowers in the pouring rain ♪
♪ Living without you is driving me insane ♪
♪ I'll bring you flowers in the pouring rain ♪
♪ Living without you is driving me insane. ♪
[song ends]