Downloaded from YTS.BZ
[upbeat jazzy music playing]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ
[audience cheering]
[music stops]
London, make some fucking noise, man!
[audience cheering loudly]
[Mo chuckling]
I took this tour absolutely everywhere.
I was in the height of doing television. They was calling me Mr. Saturday Night.
I said, "You know what? I wanna do a world tour."
Not for myself, but I wanted to put Black British comedy on the map.
That was always the plan. That was always the goal.
[audience cheering]
And I said, "Do you know what? Let's end it in London."
But not anywhere in London. We had to end it in South London.
So South London, make some noise!
[audience cheering loudly]
[Mo chuckling]
[Mo] I wanted to see the world.
'Cause Black people, we go on holidays, but we do not travel.
I remember telling my teacher for the first time.
I said, "Miss, guess what. This summer, I'm going on holiday."
This middle-class teacher couldn't believe her mind.
She goes… [gasps] "What? You're going on holiday? Doesn't make sense."
"You're on free school dinners. How is this possible?"
[audience laughing]
"You're on child benefit. What's going on?"
And the reason why there's a difference,
because growing up, right, we didn't go traveling.
I had middle-class friends. They would go traveling.
Their parents would say, "Mo, we're going traveling."
"You should come with us."
I said, "So I could look like your Black adopted child?"
-"Are you all right, bruv?" -[audience laughing]
'Cause we all know the Black experience of our first holiday.
It's not one of these all-inclusive holidays.
It's not going to Ayia Napa, Ibiza.
Our first experience of going on holiday
is going to see where the rest of our family is really from
in a hot climate before they die.
That's the reason why we go on these holidays, yeah?
I said, "Miss, guess where I'm going? I'm going to the Caribbean."
She goes… [gasps] "Oh my God. Children, put your pens down right now."
"Can anyone… can anyone guess where that is?"
Holly, six years old, "Africa."
I said, "Are you having a fucking laugh?"
The teacher said, "No, no, no, Holly, not that one, the other one."
"Yes."
People, I was so excited. You know, six weeks' holiday.
You know, and I'm going to visit my great-great-grandma, yeah?
I thought, "I wonder what the house is like."
It's gonna be a big house, loads of land. It's probably a plantation.
We've got our own workers, yeah?
We turn up to this little fucking shack house.
[audience laughing]
[Mo chuckling]
No wildlife. Nah, bruv, there's no wildlife.
There's a little dusty goat, long nipples.
Trying to talk to the goat. "Hello, Mr. Goat."
Even the goat's got a rude Jamaican attitude.
Even the goat, "Mi say nerrr. Mi say nerrr."
[audience laughing]
And we all know what the rule was.
When you get there, your mum says, "Don't ask for nothing,
don't say nothing, don't do nothing."
And I'm sitting there-- This is my great-great-grandma.
I wanna ask a question.
'Cause that's what you do as kids. Kids ask questions.
Some of you lot, it's half-term. Your kids are asking questions.
"Mummy, what's in space?"
You ever look at your kid and like, "Shut the fuck up, man. Shut up, man"?
But that's what you do as a child. You wanna ask questions.
I said, "I'm gonna ask a question." I said, "Great-grandma, how old are you?"
'Cause we never knew how old she was. She got no papers.
We didn't know if she was 85 or 85,000 years old.
We don't know how old this woman is. I said, "How old are you?"
This poor woman started malfunctioning, people.
She's like, "Well, I'm-- Well, I'm-- Well, I'm--"
"All right, well, I'm--"
"Okay, well, I was born in-- I was born--"
Sounded like an intro of a dancehall video.
"Well, I was born in-- Born in--"
"Well, I--"
[Mo stuttering rhythmically]
[audience laughing]
This poor lady.
I was like, "No, no, just say it. What was the… What was the year?"
This woman. "Well, I was born in 19, um… 19, um--"
"Okay, what is-- You is 20."
"All right, we is born in, yes, 19--"
"1921."
"1921?!"
"Who did you go to fucking school with, Harriet Tubman?"
-"You are old." -[audience laughing]
I can't lie. I looked at my mum, like,
"Mum, let's get the fuck out of here, man."
"There's no money here. Let's get the fuck out of here, man."
[laughing]
My mum was like, "No, no, it's all right. It's okay."
"You can play with your cousin."
"My cousin?"
"Mum, this guy's fucking 46. I can't play with this guy."
[audience laughing]
"If we go to the beach, he'll look like a sex offender, Mum. I can't."
[audience laughing]
We don't do no activities when we go on holiday.
I've got some friends. They're trying to do activities.
There's some activities we don't do in the Black community.
I remember teachers saying to me, "When you get there, go… go surfing."
Surfing? Surfing?
Black people just about put their feet in the water, yeah?
We'll put a toe in and go,
"Yeah, that's me done. I'm all right, yeah?"
Nah, bruv, there's somethin' in there, rude boy.
Don't get me wrong. I love traveling, but I don't like airports.
'Cause you know what airports are like. Airports are horrible.
Especially when you get to this, you know, security.
'Cause in the UK, we have this weird passive-aggressive politeness
with our security.
"Excuse me, sir, please can you stand there on the spot? Thank you."
You ever look at these people like, "You being nice or you taking the piss?"
"Who you talking to?"
We follow the rules, that's what we do. We stand on the spot. "Okay, um…"
But we have to give it back. We always like the last word in the UK.
"Um, okay. Um, well, I'm sorry, I didn't see the sign to stand there."
"My bad."
[audience laughing]
And this person will give it back.
"Well, next time you come to the airport, the sign will be over there."
"No, thank you."
You're just going back and forth
with this weird British passive-aggressive politeness.
'Cause we all know, right, the rule in the UK is don't cause drama.
Nobody wants to be causing drama, right? 'Cause we'll all see some drama.
I see it in the shops. I see people stealing Lurpak.
I'm just like, "Rah, you lot are stealing butter."
"Is that where we're at now? Yeah?"
I can't lie. I find it sensational.
'Cause we all look until someone sees us looking.
"What you fucking looking at?"
[audience laughing]
"Nothing. I'm not looking at anything. I'm not…"
Some of you lot in here tonight, "I can't lie. That butter's expensive."
-"Just steal that butter." -[audience laughing]
[Mo chuckling]
"We're not all doing ITV, bruv. What you talking about, bruv?"
Some of you lot putting Stork on toast. Disgusting.
[audience laughing]
There was a part of me that wanted to leave the UK.
I did, man. I wanted to leave the UK, and I wanted to go and live in America.
I really did. Know what I mean?
Look at some of you. "Rah, bruv. You're just going to desert us, yeah?"
But what I mean by that is Hollywood, yeah?
You've got America, and you've got Hollywood.
Two different places.
'Cause obviously, the industry that I'm in, yeah, doing stand-up comedy,
getting into film and all of this stuff, television,
that's where you really wanna go to.
And they put you on a pedestal. They do.
We don't do that stuff in the UK. We treat everybody how they are.
We can see a soap star. Ian Beale could be in this room tonight.
We're gonna call this man Ian-fucking-Beale.
We are, aren't we?
We'll even go up to him, "Oi! I know you! You're Ian Beale!"
-[audience laughing] -[Mo chuckling]
This poor man, he will even say, "Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Brits, our first thing, our first interaction is banter.
"Oi! Ian! Ian, do you remember this? Ian! Ian!"
"I've got nothing left!"
This…
-[audience laughing] -[Mo laughing]
[scattered whistling]
That's the first thing we're gonna do as Brits, man.
America's different.
They don't even understand the word "banter" when I was over there.
Like, even their airport security, they don't fuck around, yeah?
Their airport security is called TSA, yeah?
There was a guy walking up and down the queue,
telling everyone, "All right, y'all better listen up!"
"Liquids out your bag!"
"Belts off! Shoes off!"
He went up to one old lady, 80 years old. She said, "I don't know."
"You holding up the line, ma'am!"
[audience laughing]
I thought, "I'm not scared of this guy, yeah?"
That's the first thing. We're from South London.
South London to the world. What do you mean?
-I thought I can… -[audience cheering]
Listen, I thought I could disarm this guy with British charm, yeah?
I said to this man, "Sorry, excuse me, sir, yeah?"
'Cause I put on my fantastic British accent.
"Excuse me, sir, can I ask you something? Shall I take off this bracelet?"
"I just don't want it to set off the metal detector, yeah?"
This one guy looked at me, he was like…
[breathing intensely]
[audience chuckling]
"Belt off, shoes off, iPad in the tray."
[audience laughing]
[audience continues laughing]
"No, no, what I'm saying is, shall I take off the bracelet
so it don't set off the metal detector?"
This one guy lost it.
"My man!"
[audience laughing]
"I ain't gonna say it again for you Harry Potter motherfuckers!"
I've never been more disrespected in my life.
I turned into a middle-class white lady in Waitrose, people.
I don't think you realize.
I started using words that Black people don't even use.
I was like, "What? This is--"
"This is preposterous."
[audience laughing]
[Mo laughing]
Listen, Black people don't use no fucking words like "preposterous," you know?
There's some Black people in here,
"What did he say? Hippopotamus? What's that one, bruv?"
[audience laughing]
"Hey, Leon, write that one down, bruv."
We don't use this.
Listen, no one in this room has ever watched an episode of Top Boy,
and Dushane's like, "There's the drugs."
And Sully's like, "That's preposterous. We can't sell all of this."
[audience laughing]
But I did, people. I wanted to move to America.
They get special treatment.
Treatment that I'm not even used to, right?
Because our Black British actors are doing fantastic out there.
You know, Daniel Kaluuya, man, doing fantastic, winning Oscars, you know.
Damson Idris, Cynthia Erivo, the list goes on and on.
When you're a Black Brit, people, and you go to Hollywood,
you get this weird special treatment, right?
I'll give you an example.
Listen to the timecodes that I'm about to give you, right?
I fly out there on Wednesday to film a television show.
Fly out Wednesday morning.
I land, right, their time, Wednesday afternoon.
As soon as I land, I've got six missed calls.
I call this American number back, someone panicking,
[breathing heavily]
"Oh my God, Mo Gilligan."
"Um, listen, we've gotta get you to set tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. Is that okay?"
I said, "That's fine. That's okay, right?"
Thursday morning, I get to set, right? The CEO-- Listen to this.
The CEO of the network comes down to set.
Everyone is panicking.
Now, my mum always said to me, "Be your authentic self."
"Treat people how you like to be treated," right?
He came straight up to me. I don't know if it was intimidation.
He was like, "Hey. Oh my God. Wow. Mo Gilligan, wow, big fan."
I said, "Yes. What you saying, bruv? Nice to meet you."
You know?
This guy was like, "Oh my God, we're so pleased to have you here."
"Let me ask you, Mo Gilligan, how are you finding your time here?"
I said, "Listen, man, it's a long way from home."
"Obviously, man, the flight was a bit long, but it's okay, man."
"Missing some of the mandem, but that is what it is, you know?"
Hear this guy… [gasps] "Oh my God."
"Oh my God. Olivia, come over here." That was the assistant.
"Olivia, come over here. Oh my God, listen to this."
"He's missing his French madame."
[audience laughing]
I said, "No, the mandem. My friends. Do you know what I mean?"
"I'm just-- 'Cause obviously, it's just a WhatsApp banter with the time."
"That's all it is. You know what I mean?" This guy got so concerned.
[gasps] "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God."
"Olivia, why didn't we know about the-- What are you missing?"
"Just the banter." "We gotta get some banter, okay? Um…"
"I didn't know about this, Mo Gilligan. Okay. What we're gonna do--"
"How about this? It's not a big gesture,
but, um, how about if we, uh, fly out five of your closest friends tomorrow night,
um, so they can bring you the banter? Is that okay? Is that all right?"
[audience laughing]
People, I don't think he realized I grew up in a council estate.
Fly over my friends in 24 hours?
I looked at this man. I felt like saying, "Forget them, bruv."
"Give me the money. Do you think I care about…"
-[audience laughing] -[Mo laughing]
"Do you think I care about emotional support?"
[audience laughing]
But apparently you can't say that. It's not professional.
So he flew out my friends.
Twenty-four hours later, I go pick up my friends.
They ain't even got a clue.
My friends are like, "Hey, rah. Hey, blud. What's going on?"
[audience chuckling]
One of my friends couldn't believe it. He's like, "Rah, LA?"
"This looks like Grand Theft Auto, rude boy. Rah."
I said, "We've just gotta go and say thank you."
That's the least we could do.
We went to his office. I was like,
"These are the guys. We just wanted to say thank you."
This guy couldn't believe we'd done this.
[gasping] "Oh my God. Wow. Oh my God, Mo Gilligan."
"These are the man-them. Wow."
-[audience laughing] -"Oh my God. Oh my God."
"Oh my God, it's like Top Boy. Um, Mo, let me ask you…"
"Um, Mo, uh, what… what's the plan?"
"How do you plan to get you and your man-them,
um, to set tomorrow morning?"
I said, "I don't know. It's all right, you've done enough."
"We can just jump in an Uber. Don't worry about it."
Hear this guy… [gasping] "An Uber? Ew."
[audience laughing]
"Oh no." I said, "What do you mean?"
He said, "Listen, Mo Gilligan, you're in Hollywood now, okay?"
"You've gotta think and feel like you're in Hollywood."
I said, "What does that mean?" He goes, "Listen, Mo Gilligan."
"We're gonna get you a driver, okay?"
"Anywhere you wanna go, you've got your own personal driver."
I said, "What? Are you sure? You serious?"
He goes, "Listen, anything for these guys from Summerhouse, okay? All right."
[audience laughing]
"All right. Okay."
"All right. Okay. All right."
So he got me a driver, people. I've never had a driver in my life.
We had this driver, his name was called DJ, right?
He turned up, tie, suit, shoes shiny, seam in the trousers.
This guy wasn't even much older than me. He was only two, three years older.
Opened the door when I first met him. He goes, "Hey, what's going on, boss?"
"Where you wanna go first, boss? Wanna go see the sights, boss?"
"Wanna go get a coffee? What about--"
"What about the gym, boss? What you wanna do first, boss?"
I said, "Wait, bro. Wait, wait, wait. Stop calling me boss, okay?"
"Listen, you're free now. I don't know what happened…
[audience laughing]
…before I got here, okay?"
"But listen, you're one of the mandem now. You're one of the guys."
I said, "Listen, DJ, where can we go?"
"Some of these guys-- Listen, they just have normal nine-to-fives."
"Where can we go out, you know?"
DJ goes to me, "Don't worry, man. I know someone," right?
He got on his phone.
He was like, "Mm-hmm. Yeah."
"Yeah."
[audience chuckling]
"Yeah, they like British dudes. Yeah."
"Yeah."
"No, not Gordon Ramsay. No, no."
"They like, uh,
they're like Idris-Elba-ass-motherfuckers. Yeah."
"Okay. Okay. All right, bet." So he puts the phone down.
So I'm like, "DJ, who did you call?"
DJ said to me, "Listen, man,
I just gave your number to the hottest promoter in Hollywood."
"He gonna text you right now."
I said, "All right, cool."
So, people, I get this text from the promoter.
The first thing the promoter says to me, he goes, "Hey, what up, man?"
"I need a name for the table."
I was like, "Cool." Sent my name, Mo Gilligan.
[imitates text chime] Right?
So I sent my-- Thank you. I do my own stunts.
Appreciate you. Thank you so much.
-[audience laughing] -[Mo chuckling]
Jackie Chan could never.
[audience laughing]
So I sent my name, right?
Now listen to this, people.
He then replies back with nothing but fire emojis, yeah?
[Mo imitates emojis popping]
So I show the guys. I'm like, "Guys, I'm a bit confused."
One of my friends gassing me up, "Yo, bruv, you're international."
"Nah, bruv. He knows, bruv."
Then he replies back again.
He goes, "Nah, wait, you lying. This ain't no Mo Gilligan."
I said, "Whoa." I said, "Bro, what Mo do you think I am, bro?"
"Who do you think I am? Mo Farah? Mo Salah?"
"What Mo have you mixed me up with?"
He goes, "Nah, man, this ain't the British Black comic Mo Gilligan."
I can't lie, people. I was like, "Am I that well-known out here, yeah?"
He then replies again. "Nah, you lying. Table's off."
I said, "Bruv, phone me now."
I got very defensive. Extremely South London.
I said, "Phone me now, bruv."
This guy phoned me.
I picked up the phone, very hostile. I said, "Yo."
Hear this guy… [gasping]
"My man Mo Gilligan."
[audience laughing]
"Why didn't you just tell me you was in LA?"
[audience chuckling]
"I… I… I… I didn't--"
"I didn't have your number to call in, so I didn't-- I didn't know, man."
He said, "Listen, man, you come down to the club whenever you want." [beeping]
Puts the phone down. Me and the guys are confused.
We get dressed. We drive to this club.
And, people, everybody's outside.
There's rappers outside.
You got NBA players outside. There's even drug dealers outside.
-Everybody is outside trying to get in. -[audience laughing]
I thought, "Listen, how are me and my five friends gonna get in this club?"
We just-- This-- I said, "Listen, what's the protocol?"
"Could you park across the side of the road?"
"How does this work?" Know what I mean?
"Are we gonna go in? You gonna get food?"
"Maybe come back? Should I text you?"
DJ said to me, he goes, "Listen, man, I'm gonna be out here waiting all night."
I said, "What? So if we go in there and have the time of our life,
you're telling me you're gonna be waiting here?"
DJ said to me, "Yeah, man, all night."
I can't lie, people. I felt so bad for this guy.
Not my friends.
"All right, bye. Take care. Let's go. Fuck this guy. Let's go."
I said, "Do you know what, DJ? Listen, come out with us, man."
"It's the least we can do."
DJ, "You sure, boss? I can come out with you?"
"You sure, boss? You mean that?"
I said, "Stop calling me boss. This is not Django."
"Come out. You're one of the guys now. Okay?"
So we walk up to the club. We're outside. Everyone's outside trying to get in.
I thought, how are me, my five friends from London, and a driver
gonna get into this club with the caliber of people already trying to get in?
I thought, you know what? I'm gonna spare myself the embarrassment.
Let me text the promoter. "Listen, thank you so much
for organizing this table at such short notice,
but me and the guys are gonna leave it, grab a drink round the corner. See you."
Sent this text.
People, I promise you. I swear to you on my mother's life, yeah?
She's standing up there.
[audience cheering]
If I'm lying, out of nowhere, she'll go, "Yo, where the bloodfire yardie?"
[audience laughing]
I sent this text, people, and then all you could hear
was a voice from the front of the club go,
"Hey!"
"Everyone back up!"
"Mo Gilligan coming through."
[audience laughing]
For the first time in my life, I was like,
"Rah, there's two Mo Gilligans in here tonight. What are the chances of that?"
One of my boys does that thing where he pokes me in the side.
He's like, "That's you."
I'm mad ticklish, so I was like, "Ahh!"
I said, "Brudda, don't do that, bruv. I'm trying to be cool."
So we start walking towards the queue. The weirdest thing happened.
As we start walking to the queue,
people start parting like I was flipping Moses, right?
And I'm walking, and as I get walking, I'm closer.
I've got all the guys behind me. My friends are like,
"What? What, is that you, yeah?"
I'm like, "You man, chill, man. We're not there yet. You man, chill."
We get closer.
I can hear these girls in the queue saying stuff.
"Oh my God. I know who that is."
I'm like, "Stop lying. No Gogglebox in LA. Shut up, man."
-[audience laughing] -"Please, man."
Then there was this 6'7" NBA player, right?
He's in my way, so I'm being humble.
I'm like, "Sorry, my guy. That's me just trying to come through. Excuse me."
This guy was pretending like he couldn't hear or see me.
"I don't know who that is."
I was like, "Sorry, bro, excuse me. Trying to come--"
"I don't know who that is."
I look at the promoter. He's like, "Come on."
I said, "I've got this guy in the way." Hear the promoter, "Hey, you, back up!"
[audience laughing]
"That's Mo Gilligan coming through."
Let me tell you something. I walked past this guy like I was LeBron James.
I was like, "Coming through, bro."
[audience laughing]
"Coming through, bro."
We get to the front, they take off the thing, cha-ching.
We go through.
We didn't get searched. We didn't get searched. Yeah?
One of my boys was like, "I got a bag of weed in my bum."
I was like, "Bro…" [shushing]
[audience laughing]
Then as we get through, we hear someone say, "Hey, hey!"
I'm thinking we're gonna get turfed.
The manager came out. The manager came out.
He was like… [gasping] "Oh my God, Mo Gilligan. Oh my God."
"What a pleasure it is to have you in my venue."
"Thank you so much for choosing my club."
"I just need two things before you guys enter."
"I just need a credit card and ID. Is that okay?"
All my guys. I said, "Don't worry. It's on me tonight."
Gave him my credit card, gave him my ID.
Now, people, the problem in Hollywood
is people wanna have a connection with you because they hear where you're from, yeah?
Sometimes they'll say things that don't make any sense.
The club owner said to me, he's like, "Oh my God, wait. Oh my God."
"You guys are from London, right?" I said, "Yeah, we're from London."
Hear this guy, "Oh my God, that's insane."
"Me and my wife went to, uh, Barcelona last year. Yeah."
-"Yeah, yeah." -[audience laughing]
One of my boys, "That's not even fuckin--" "Hey, shut your mouth."
"Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah."
Then we get escorted into the club, people, right?
We go to our section. I see some other guys from London.
They notice me. They're like, "Rah, what? Man like Mo, yeah? Okay."
"Is that all you're doing?" I can't lie. I got a little bit gassed.
I was like, "'Low me, bruv. Low me, bruv. Low me, bruv."
I said, "Listen, guys, I've got my own table. Follow me."
They said, "You sure?" I said, "Come, man."
So we go to this section, people, right?
And the section was tight.
It wasn't a big section, my friend. It was so tight.
You had 12 Black guys in this small section trying to dance.
All our elbows, all our… all our arms are touching.
But I thought, "You know what? This is okay."
If I died tonight,
being in Hollywood with my friends, I'd be a happy man, right?
Then the promoter came up to me. He goes, "Ha! My man Mo Gilligan."
"What's going on?" I said, "Listen, thank you so much."
"I really appreciate what you've organized for us at such last minute."
"Thank you so much, man."
He goes, "Hey, how you finding it?"
I said, "I'm finding it great." I said, "Listen."
"It's a bit tight in here, but it is what it is."
"What?"
[audience chuckling]
"It's a bit tight in here, but it is what it is."
[gasps] "What? Nah. Fuck that. Only the best for you. Follow me."
He starts walking through the club, pushing people out the way.
One of my boys was like, "Who does he think you are?"
I said, "I don't know, Muhammad Ali. I don't know what is going on here."
Right?
Then we get this other section, people. This is like a VVVIP section, right?
We get this section. Now, this is why I say Hollywood is a crazy place.
Because there was this one man, right? And he was with about eight women.
The promoter goes up to him.
He's like, "Hey, my man, so sorry, but you gotta move." Yeah?
This guy obviously lost his shit.
He's like, "What you mean I gotta move? Who the fuck are you?"
[popping]
Every time he kept saying it, it felt like it was a personal bullet to my ego.
"Who the fuck is you?"
[popping]
I looked at him. He looked at me. I was like…
"Um…"
[audience chuckling]
[breathing awkwardly]
"Have you seen The Masked Singer UK? No?"
"No? No?"
Then the promoter said, "Listen, man, I got my best bottle girl, Liberty."
"She gonna look after y'all." Right?
So Liberty comes over, people, right?
This woman was about six foot, right? She looked like a Victoria's Secret model.
She was wearing a corset, thigh-high boots, and a G-string, yeah?
Did you just hear what I just said?
A corset, thigh-high boots, and a G-string.
In the club. Yeah?
So that means if she put her leg out anywhere,
bow, flap, Cillit Bang, and the flaps are out.
I don't think you lot realize what I'm saying.
[audience laughing]
This ain't when you lot used to go clubbing back in the day.
You had a girl in Tiger Tiger,
"You all right? Want some shots? Want some Jägerbombs?"
"No? Shout me if you want some Jägerbombs, all right?"
This woman comes up to me, right, with a list.
She goes, "Hey, oh my God. Hey, oh my God."
"What's going on, Mo Gilly?"
I was like, "Who's that, bruv?"
[audience laughing]
She goes, "You guys must be so thirsty. Let's get you some beverages. Oh my God."
So, people, I open up the menu. The menu lights up. It's a digital menu.
It's got all the prices there. I'm looking at all the prices, right?
And as I'm looking at the menu…
[smacks lips]
…the menu is looking back at me, right?
[audience laughing]
Now, I'm not gonna sit here in front of 15,000 people, right,
and pretend like I'm not doing all right for myself.
But, people, I promise you,
I was looking at the price of these drinks,
and I had to start asking questions.
I even had to say to myself, "Am I investing stock in these alcohol brands?"
"'Cause what the hell are these prices?"
I'm looking at my friends. None of my friends are looking at me.
They all became architects. "Rah, is that a chandelier up there?"
[audience laughing]
"There's two chandeliers up there. How did they get that up there, bruv?"
"How did they get that up there?"
I look at one of my friends.
'Cause we've all got a cheapskate friend, haven't we?
I said, "Jeff, look at that. Look at the price of that."
He looked at me. He was like, "Rah."
"You know how many bottles in Costco we could buy with that?"
"What?"
[audience laughing]
I had Liberty saying, "I'm so sorry, Mo Gilly."
"I've gotta rush you. I'm so sorry."
I thought, you know, I've got no one to impress here.
Nobody knows me here in Hollywood.
I said, "It's fine." I got the cheapest package on the list, yeah?
Liberty said to me, "Just to let you know how it works here, Mo Gilly."
"Because this is our entry-level package,
um, there's no lights, there's no show, there's no sparklers, there's no sign."
"Is that okay?"
I said, "It's fine. Don't worry about it, man." She goes off.
She comes back two minutes later with a bucket, right?
A bucket, two bottles of champagne, a bottle of vodka, and a bottle of cognac.
I thought, this is fine. This is fine, people.
Then I see the Hollywood lifestyle hit my friends first.
My friend picked up a bottle of champagne,
started offering it to girls like it was the Last Supper.
"Yeah, come, come. Have some, have some. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Have some. Yeah." Brr!
"Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, bring your friend. Brr! Yeah, yeah."
"Nah, it's calm."
I swear to you, people, I'm not even a cheapskate,
but I was seeing every glass being poured and just counting them like,
"Rah, that's at least $95 a glass right there."
[audience laughing]
"Should we even drink the other half? Fuck it. Let me put it back in the bowl."
"Put that back." [popping]
But something said to myself,
"Do you know what, Mo? Let's enjoy. Let's relax."
These moments don't happen to people like me, let alone my friends, every day.
So I did. I started to enjoy, right?
Then I seen the NBA players get their package.
And wow, what a sight it was.
They had the sparklers, they had the whole show.
They even had a sign. I've never seen a sign before in a club.
Their bottle girl has a sign. But she's looking at us with the sign.
She's like this. She's like… With their sign, right?
I'm thinking, "What does it say on the sign?"
Everyone on the dance floor is going, "Oh!"
"Whoa!"
So I look at the sign. I think, what does the sign say?
I look over at the sign, and it said, "NBA boys are here," right?
Know what it said below?
It said, "Broke London boys, catch up," right?
[audience laughing]
So I'm thinking it can't be us. It can't be us.
We are not the broke London boys, right?
And then the DJ went on the mic, goes, "Oh man."
[dramatic sting playing]
[audience laughing]
"They called out London."
[dramatic sting playing]
"So you know they called out my man Mo Gilligan over there!"
[dramatic sting playing]
Listen, the whole club turned around and looked at me.
I was like, "How dare you, bruv? I've been on Celebrity Bake Off."
"How dare you?"
[audience laughing]
I said, "Nah, man, forget that."
I said, "Nah, let me get some more drinks."
All the guys, "Nah, bro, don't do it. This is what they want."
"Bottle wars. You to spend more money. This is what they want."
"Black-on-Black crime. This is what they want."
[audience laughing]
I said, "Nah." I said, "Hold on, wait."
"Where was this energy
when you lot was looking at chandeliers and talking about Costco?"
I said, "Nah, forget that, man. Let me quickly--"
So I'm looking at the list, people.
I'm trying to see what I can afford, what I can't,
what I might have to move from the Monzo to the HSBC business account,
what I might go overdrawn-- 'Cause that's what we do.
If we know we're gonna spend too much,
we're thinking, "What can I sell tomorrow?"
"How much can I get for a PS5 in CeX when I go back?"
These are the things we do when we know we're gonna overspend.
So I'm looking at it, trying to see what I can afford.
Then, listen to this, the DJ goes back on the mic again.
He goes, "Ah man."
[dramatic sting playing]
"They called out London."
-[dramatic sting playing] -Huh. Huh. Huh.
"What would Skepta say?"
"Skepta?"
[audience laughing]
"The fuck has Skepta got to do with this?"
So now I'm under pressure, thinking,
"Fucking hell, I'm gonna be on Link Up TV tomorrow morning."
So I'm looking at the menu. I see one thing.
It was called Diamond Black Package, right?
I said, "Give me this one." I get this one.
It didn't have any price. It just said POA.
I don't know what POA means, people. I'm dyslexic.
I think it means "poor on arrival."
So this is the package we got, right?
[audience laughing]
So Liberty goes off.
Ten minutes. There's no bottles, there's no drinks, there's no sparklers.
I'm thinking, "Wow, I've really been scammed here."
Then out of nowhere, people, right,
the DJ stopped the music in the club, right?
[Mo imitates music winding down]
Then he turned off the lights in the club. Bow!
All of the lights went out.
[audience whooping, cheering]
Come on, you don't get two Netflix specials for nothin', bruv.
-[audience laughing] -[Mo chuckling]
And he got on the mic, people. And he was like, "Ah man!"
[dramatic sting playing]
"They called out London."
[dramatic sting playing]
"They called out Mo Gilligan."
[imitates echoing] "Mo Gilligan, Mo Gilligan, Mo Gilligan."
[audience laughing]
"But I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know…"
He didn't even have an echo machine.
He was doing this with his mouth in the club.
[audience laughing]
"I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know…
that he was gonna come back like this,
like this, like this, like this…"
So I'm thinking like, "Fucking what, bruv?"
[audience laughing]
I look over at Liberty. Liberty's near the kitchen.
I look over at Liberty, and I'm like, "Liberty, what's going on here?"
Liberty goes to me, "One second. I've got you." Right?
And she's wearing a cloak with a mask.
So I'm thinking, what weird fucking Illuminati P. Diddy shit
is gonna happen here tonight in Hollywood, right?
And just before I could think, right,
the music starts playing in the club, right?
[hip hop music playing]
Now Liberty walks out, right?
She's not smiling, her eyes are wide open, right?
And she's got this weird march as she walks out by herself, people.
Liberty comes walking out like this, people.
This is Liberty, just…
[hip hop music continues]
[audience laughing]
Now behind Liberty, there are two other dancers,
and they're doing this weird dance in cloaks as well.
They're just…
Now listen, people.
Behind Liberty, there was four Samoan bodyguards, right?
Now, they're holding something,
but we can't see what they're holding, right?
But they walk out doing this same weird dance.
They come…
[audience laughing]
So I'm thinking, what goat are they gonna sacrifice in this fucking club, yeah?
[audience laughing]
And then all the Samoan bodyguards, they all go like this, "Hey, hey, hey,"
and then lift up something. We couldn't see what they lifted up.
You know what they lifted?
They lifted up a coffin with 25 bottles of champagne in it, right?
[audience laughing]
And then they start marching to our section like this,
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey."
So obviously, all my boys start losing their shit.
"What? Ay, what?"
"Ay, Mo? Ay, Mo? Is that for us?"
[audience laughing]
"Is that for us?"
"Oi, Mum's life, bismillah, is that all your doing?"
"Mo, listen, listen, if that's not for us,
Mum's life, I can't lie, I'm gonna bang you in your face."
"Mo, tell me, is that all your doing?"
People, I can't lie, I took all the credit.
I was like, "You man, sometimes, that's what you gotta do.
[hip hop music continues]
[dramatic sting playing]
[audience cheering, whistling]
People, I'm not ashamed to tell you this, but I started losing myself, right?
They started putting, one by one, all these bottles on our table, yeah?
I thought I was a fucking drug dealer, yeah?
[audience laughing]
But my excitement, it started popping out.
I was like…
[audience laughing]
[inaudible]
[audience laughing]
I went straight up to the NBA players. I went straight over to them.
I was like, "What?"
"What?"
[audience laughing]
"That's what we do, bruv."
-[music crescendoes] -[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]
People, for the first time in my life, I lost myself.
I don't think you realize. I've never lost myself.
I didn't even know who I was.
One of the NBA players was like, "Nah, I gotta know. What's your name?"
I said, "Don't worry about my fucking name, bruv."
[audience laughing]
He said, "Nah, British man. I ain't never seen that, man."
"What's your name, British man?"
I said, "Don't worry about my fucking name, bruv."
He goes, "Nah, British man, who are you?" I said, "Me?"
He said, "You." I said, "Me?"
I said, "I'm… I'm… I'm…"
-"Dushane, bruv." -[gun cocking]
-[audience laughing] -[music crescendoes]
-[music stops] -"We sell fucking drugs!"
My friends say, "Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. We don't do that, bruv."
"I work in IT, bruv. I'm on my last warning. What you doing?"
[audience laughing]
People, for the first time ever in my life, I lost myself.
Don't get me wrong. I've been drunk, but I've never lost myself.
I was giving people bottles of champagne like I was Oprah.
"Here, you get a bottle. You get a bottle. Everyone gets a bottle."
I lost myself, people.
I even gave a bottle of champagne to DJ, the driver.
I said, "DJ, here, have a bottle of champagne."
"Nah, man. Nah, I don't drink no champagne."
I said, "Come on, bruv. Whatever happened to ride or die?"
"Live life, man."
He said, "Nah, man, I don't drink that." I said, "What do you drink?"
"What's your drink?" He goes, "Me, I just like some tequila."
I said, "Listen, Liberty, come over here."
"Listen, this is DJ, the best driver ever."
"Get my man a bottle of tequila."
Gave me the bottle, this big vase-looking bottle.
I gave the bottle to him, right? Listen to this, people.
DJ starts crying in the club, yeah?
[audience laughing]
As all this is going on, he's like…
[sniffling] "Nah, man."
"Nah, man. No." [breathing heavily]
"None… None of my clients have ever treated me like… like y'all."
I said, "Listen, DJ, you're one of the mandem now."
"Listen, you're family."
He goes, "You… You sure?" I said, "Yeah, bruv, you're family."
"You know what? Liberty, give me a bottle too."
So I had a bottle, me had a bottle.
DJ said, "Hey, man, say something real gangster from y'all hood."
People, I'm not from the hood like that.
[audience laughing]
I was saying things that are not gangster. He said, "Say something." I said…
♪ Autoglass replace ♪
♪ Autoglass repair ♪
[audience laughing]
[Mo chuckling]
DJ loved it. "Yeah, and I'll replace the glass. Yeah, yeah."
"They got bullet holes in the glass." "Yeah, all right, bruv."
"It's just a stone chip, but hey, whatever floats your boat, bruv."
Started losing myself.
I thought, "I could get used to this Hollywood lifestyle. I really could, man."
Being around my friends, being surrounded by all these people,
drinking bottles of champagne. You know?
Then one of the NBA players like, "Nah, man."
"We gotta toast to my man Dushane."
You know, the whole club.
"Hey! Dushane, Dushane, Dushane!"
I thought, "Wow. Oh my God." Let me tell you something.
That, for me, was one of the best moments ever of my life.
Like, listen, forget doing all this comedy stuff, winning BAFTAs.
That moment right there, I was like, "Wow, this is the--"
Forget my birth. I wasn't really there for that.
That moment was one of the greatest moments ever.
We all took a shot. [slurping]
Oh, one of the best moments ever.
I said, "Liberty, quick, you do a shot. Can you get the receipt?"
I'm doing the last shot. I'm a cheapskate. I paid for this. I was like…
"Bruv, put a bottle of champagne in your pocket."
-"Take this home, bruv." -[audience laughing]
One of the greatest moments of my life. Then Liberty comes over.
"Thank you for the receipt."
I said, "You go with him. You go…"
[breathing heavily]
[audience laughing]
People, you ever been so drunk that you tried to undrunk yourself for logic?
You ever tried to do that stuff? Where you tried to rub your brow and go…
[inhales deeply]
[groaning]
You start realizing what's going on.
Realizing I had all my buttons of my shirt open.
I don't think you realize. All the buttons were open.
Even my belly button was out.
[audience laughing
My belly button was like, "Rah, you lot are moving mad in here tonight, innit?"
[audience laughing]
I'm looking at this receipt.
[breathing heavily]
I was like, "Sorry, Liberty, um…"
[groaning] "Okay, um…"
She goes, "Oh my God, Mo Gilly." [chuckles]
"Oh my God. What's the problem? What's going on?"
I was like, "Um, okay, sorry,
I'm trying to understand, um, the price of the tax, gratuity, tip."
"Could you tell me how much that bottle is?"
Liberty was like, "Let's check it out. Okay, tax, gratuity, tip…" [inhaling]
"Um, okay, so that one bottle, Casa Azul, that one bottle is…"
"Oh, that's okay. That's just, uh, $5,000."
[audience exclaiming, laughing]
[Mo inhales deeply]
People, that's not including the bottle I got for myself,
package number one, package number two.
I properly looked at this girl, Liberty. I was like, "Yeah."
"I know why they call you fucking Liberty, innit? 'Cause…"
[audience laughing]
And then I was like, "Okay, um…"
And I'm looking at this, and she's like, "Okay, what's the problem? What is it?"
I was like, "Well, this is…" She goes, "What is it, Mo Gilly?"
I said, "This is…" She goes, "Just be honest."
I said, "This is… [inhaling]
…preposterous."
"This is flipping preposterous."
[audience laughing]
People, it went from being one of the best nights ever in my life
to one of the worst nights ever in my life.
Don't get me wrong. I could pay for it, but at the same time, I was thinking.
I was like, "Wow, is this a downward spiral of how my life's gonna turn out?"
Just going from being in Hollywood, doing premium shows,
have your own show, win the BAFTA, then before you know it,
like, I'm just on, like, Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away!
[audience laughing]
I'm not presenting it. I'm on the program, bruv.
[audience laughing]
I thought, wow.
Do you know what? Listen, I told you I'll be transparent.
Do you know, I thought to myself,
"I know how I'll get this money back." I said, "Do you know what? Flip it."
"I'm gonna do an OnlyFans tomorrow." I said this in my head.
I said, "I'll make the money back in 24 hours."
Listen, I wouldn't waste any time.
I'll be like, "Let's go to it. Fuck it. Bumhole Wednesdays. Let's get these tips."
[audience laughing]
I thought, "Oh my God, this is the stupidest thing
I've ever done in my whole entire life."
Then I thought to myself, "It's all right."
I ain't paid yet.
Remember, I gave my credit card and my ID to the manager.
Then my phone vibrates. Zzz! So I'm thinking, "Rah, what's that?"
Is it Mum texting me to see if I'm all right?
People, I look at my phone, the transaction went through.
They swiped the transaction.
Listen, I started questioning the whole banking system.
Like, "Are you having a bloody laugh?"
How did you lot let this one slip through the fraud detection service
while I'm abroad?
You can't give me a one-time password or nothing.
But yeah, what, if I'm in the pound shop buying some bleach and some biscuits,
you wanna embarrass me, ask me questions?
"Is it you? Yes or no? Is it you?"
"It's me, man."
Worst night in the history of my life.
Horrible, man. To the point where I woke up the next morning.
All my friends were like, "Bro, listen, we're sorry to wake you, yeah?"
"But we just wanna say thank you so much."
I said, "You don't--" He's like, "Nah, bro."
"I don't think you realize, bro."
"Last night was one of the greatest nights ever in my life."
I said, "But, bro, you got kids."
"Bruv, fuck them kids. I don't like them."
[audience laughing]
"Secretly, the youngest one, that one's evil."
"I don't really like them like that."
"But listen, as your friends, we just wanted to wake you up."
"We understand. We know about the bill."
"But we just wanted to say, 'Bro, we're never gonna live this life again.'"
"So as your real friends,
we just wanted to wake you up and say thank you, Mo Gilligan."
"We really appreciate that."
And I can't lie, people. I had this lovely heart-to-heart with my friends, you know?
'Cause that's what you do it for.
Money comes and goes, but friends are the family that you choose forever.
-And then-- Yeah, it's true. -[cheering]
No, listen, man, don't ever give up on your friends.
It's a family that you pick forever, man.
One of the guys was like, "Listen, I know something that will cheer you up."
"Me and the guys chipped in, though. And check this out. Listen."
"We just got you a little coffee and a muffin, innit?"
[audience laughing]
People, I swear on my life,
I genuinely looked at my friends like, "Know what?"
"Hope your plane crashes on the way home. Do you think this is enough?"
It was at a different time in my life.
During this time… This was about three-and-a-half years ago.
I was single, right?
I didn't enjoy being single, people.
But I had to go to this wedding. I'm at this wedding by myself.
But you know what it's like, guys. We're able to box up how we feel.
You know, you start seeing all this romance.
Guys don't care about this stuff, yeah?
There's two types of romance. You've got those new couples, yeah?
Start rubbing each other's noses and stuff like that.
"Hmm. Yeah."
[groaning playfully]
She's all excited. "This will be us one day."
[exclaiming playfully]
"I'm gonna catch the bouquet." [exclaiming]
[audience laughing]
And you got couples that got some years in the game, yeah?
All they're thinking about is, "Hey, when we go home, yeah,
let's just sleep."
"That's all we wanna do is sleep."
That's all you care about, right?
I feel like women like romance probably a lot more than men like romance.
And I don't wanna generalize and say all women are the same,
but women do like a bit of romance, man.
There's a single woman by herself. She's crying, yeah?
She didn't even know she's crying. A tear just popped out of her eyes.
Do you know that happens, men?
A tear will just come out unannounced. Just… [popping]
It just roll down her face, yeah?
She notices it.
She goes, "Oh, no, no, no, not today, not today."
"No, I am strong." She'll put out positive affirmations.
"I am strong. I am cool. I am kind. No. No."
"Where's my crystal? Where's my quartz? Where is it?"
[audience laughing]
But you know what women do that I think is absolutely beautiful, right?
Women look out for other women.
Women, don't ever stop doing this.
[women cheering]
This is a beautiful thing that you do, you know.
Two women are on the dance floor, right?
They notice this poor woman crying, yeah?
They're having the time of their life, but they can't help but notice.
They're dancing, they'll be like, "Hey, babes. Hey, babes."
"Listen, don't be bait, yeah?"
"But you see that girl, yeah? To your left, yeah? She's crying."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, yeah. Don't be bait, don't be bait, don't be bait."
"Now, let me not look. Let me not look."
"I'm not gonna look."
"Oh my gosh. Shit. I'm gonna say something."
And she will. She'll go over there. Women will pretend.
You guys are so obvious. You guys will be like…
[muttering, gasping]
"Oh my gosh. Shut the front door on Tuesday."
"Wait, there's no way, like, a queen like you is crying."
"No. Sorry, darling, not in that Oh Polly dress.
"'Cause I've been trying to get that one."
"No way. Listen, babes. Don't you cry. Don't you cry."
"Not very demure. Not very mindful. Come here, babes. Don't you cry."
They'll introduce her to all the rest of the girls.
All these women will huddle around her. They'll wipe the tears off her face.
"Guys, don't you cry."
"Listen, don't you cry, 'cause you're beautiful, yeah?"
"We've all been there. Listen, Chantel's been there."
-"Haven't you, Chantel?" -[audience laughing]
Chantel's like, "What do you mean I've been there?"
"What you talking about?"
Listen, some women will throw their friend under the bus
for emotional support for people they don't know, you know?
"Listen, okay, long story short, you don't know her,
but basically her baby father's in prison for armed robbery and GBH."
"Isn't that right, Chantel?"
Chantel's like, "Why you telling this girl all my business?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Listen, it's okay. It's on 24 Hours in Police Custody."
"We all know. Don't worry about it, babes. Listen, don't you cry."
"Don't you cry, yeah?"
"Quick, quick, Claire. Give me your lipstick, yeah?"
Tight Claire, "Nah, not my Charlotte Tilbury."
"Give me your fucking Charlotte Tilbury. Don't you cry. Do you know why?"
And let me tell you something, guys.
Women have inspirational quotes ready to go. Yeah.
At the drop of a hat.
This one is their favorite, yeah?
This is their 90th-minute winner. This is the one that women love, yeah?
"Listen. Listen, babes. Don't you cry. Don't you cry, yeah?"
This poor girl…
[sniffling] "Why? Why?"
"Don't you cry. Do you know why? Do you know why?"
[audience laughing]
"Because you're letting him win. Don't you let him win!"
-[audience laughing] -[Mo laughing]
Lookit. Look at all these witches.
"Yeah, I've used that one. I've used that one."
"Don't let him win. He's always gonna win. Don't let him win."
It's like a Loose Women convention in here, innit?
-[audience laughing] -[Mo chuckling]
Men, we don't do none of that stuff. We ain't there for no emotional support.
Let me tell you something. Men, we mind our business.
We are professional mind businesses, yeah?
There could be a man in this venue, in the toilets, right now
crying his eyes out over heartbreak, yeah?
I'm talking he's really crying.
[hyperventilating] "I can't believe-- I can't believe she… she would do me--"
"Why? Why?"
"Why? Why? Why?"
Listen, every man would be in them toilets, minding our business.
Just washing the shit out of our hands.
Trying to find out what's happened, innit? Every man just…
[audience laughing]
"Poor fucking cunt."
"Fucking hell."
-[audience laughing] -[Mo laughing]
We'll even tell some of the guys, won't we, guys?
'Cause guys, we like to gossip.
But when this is happening, we can't be serious. "Hey, bro. Hey, listen."
"Uh…"
[audience laughing]
"There's a man in the toilets…"
"Uh…"
[audience laughing]
"Nah, nah, nah, I shouldn't laugh. It's serious."
"Why? What's going on, bruv? Just say."
"There's a-- There…"
"There's a man in the toilets, crying. Swear down." Yeah?
Some guys will have compassion. "Rah, is it?"
"That's crazy, bruv. Poor guy. He must be going through it, boy."
There's always that one guy. "Is it?"
"Let me see this, bruv."
[audience laughing]
"Ay, he's crying like some pussio!"
"Wait, wait, what are you doing?"
-[audience laughing] -[Mo laughing]
"What you doing, Jerome, man?"
[audience laughing]
I always believed that women have their stuff sorted out, right?
They've always got their car. They've got their good job.
You know, they've got their house.
All they want now is you, Mr. Right.
Let me tell you something. When women get to this thirties, forties, fifties,
they're not messing around anymore.
They know what they're looking for. They've got their list and their criteria.
They've got their red-flag list. Don't matter what star sign you are.
"Yeah, Leo. No, not for me. My ex was Leo. No. Red flag."
That's it, yeah? Just because you were born in that month.
"No, it's a red flag. Sorry. No. Red flag."
Yeah?
Then they've got this other list. Now, women add to this list every day.
Do you know what this is? The list of icks. Yeah?
[audience laughing]
I don't know if you're familiar with what an ick is,
but basically, guys, an ick is something we do
that we don't even know we're doing
that just turns her vagina off. Just… [imitates powering down]
That's it. Pum pum lock off. You can't get restarted, there's no…
[imitates starting an engine]
That's it. It's closed for today. That's it.
Yeah? Let me tell you something, guys. Anything you do can be an ick. Yeah?
I don't think you realize. Try it. You know?
If you go on a date, just ask a girl.
They'll tell you the most random things.
Women will go into great depths. They'll tell you.
"Yeah. Like, you know when you meet a guy?"
"Yeah?" "Like, what? Go for it."
"Yeah? And let's say you go Ping-Pong with him, yeah? Yeah? Go Ping-Pong."
I'm like, "All right. Where's the ick in this?"
You know, men, we love Ping-Pong, yeah?
I grew up in the youth-club system. I love Ping-Pong. You know?
They're like, "No. But it's what happens during the Ping-Pong."
Where's the ick in this?
This one girl once said to me, "I'll tell you an ick."
"A man chasing a Ping-Pong ball. Just…"
-[audience laughing] -Uh, uh, uh…
"Oh wait, wait."
[breathing rhythmically]
"Found it." [blowing]
Ladies, can I ask you tonight, is… is that an ick? Is that an ick?
[women] Yeah!
[chuckles] Look at you scumbags. You didn't even know it's an ick.
It's an ick now. Write that one down.
"Chasing a Ping-Pong ball."
They'll tell you icks you didn't even think that was an ick.
They'll make you change your whole life. Yeah?
They'll be like, "Remember when we was getting ready and we came to see Mo?"
"What'd you do when you got changed?" "I don't know."
"I got out of the shower and then I put on my clothes."
"No, no, no, you didn't just do that. What did you put on first?"
"Um, I don't know. I got out of the shower."
"You know what you've done?" "What did I do?"
"You put your T-shirt on before your boxers. Yeah, yeah?"
Is it? This is called a Winnie-the-Pooh, apparently.
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
Women, is that an ick?
A man who puts a T-shirt on before the boxers?
Look at all the women with their hands up. [chuckles]
Every man just had his bum cheeks hanging out.
Just got your little willy just… Brr!
[laughing]
[audience laughing]
Nah, I believe that women have icks because deep down,
they're just trying to find the small things they love about you.
I have this theory, people. I have this theory when it comes to love.
I have this theory, which I believe is called the three Ls, right?
Hear me out on this, right?
The first L is the first one itself, is love.
The second one is listening.
If you're gonna be with someone, you have to listen to them.
You know what it's like, guys. Your favorite team has just lost, right?
That ruined your whole weekend. You're like, "Oh, man, this is a joke."
"How did we lose this one, man?"
Women, don't do that thing. Don't do that whole, "We?"
[Mo scoffing]
"We?"
"But when would you start playing? 'We?'"
[scoffs]
You're like, "Babes, please, not right now. Not right now."
"It's all right. It's okay."
[chuckling]
"It's just a game."
[audience laughing]
"It's not a fucking game, is it? It's my life, Sharon!"
"I've got nothing!"
[audience laughing]
"It's all right. You've got me."
"I don't fucking want you!"
[audience laughing]
"You can't play up front, can you?"
-[audience laughing] -[Mo laughing]
And the last L is the most important, right? That's loyalty.
Be loyal to the person that you're with, you know?
See loads of couples in the house. Just be loyal, man.
Don't get me wrong. There's the old-fashioned sense of loyalty,
"till death do us part" and all that stuff,
but there's also loyalty exclusive to your relationship.
Things that you do that other people don't understand, right?
And it's random things.
You know, like picking your favorite TV to watch.
You go on Netflix. "What should we watch?"
You see something, Stranger Things,
Adolescence, Top Boy, Supacell, I don't know.
Your lady sees something,
she says, "Babes, everyone's talking about that."
"We've gotta watch that, yeah?" That's the loyalty. You've locked it in.
"We're gonna watch that. Not now, but we're gonna."
That's where the loyalty starts, right?
That means, my guy, you can't watch it somewhere else,
and you can't watch it somewhere else.
That is the loyalty that you've agreed upon, right?
Now, most men like to be a protector.
So being a protector, you wanna show you can be a provider.
Being a provider shows you wanna be in control, right?
So, what do we like, guys? We like the remote control.
We just like to be able to rewind and fast-forward and pause.
That's our thing. We want the remote control.
Now, ladies, they like their thing.
Ladies feel safe in your presence, right?
They can unwind. What do they wanna unwind with?
A glass of wine, right?
So they go, "Wait, before we press play, I'm just gonna have a quick glass."
"Just a quick one, yeah? Just a little one, yeah?"
-[imitates pouring, popping] -[audience laughing]
"Just a little one. Just a little one, right?"
So you find your program that you're gonna watch.
You're cuddled in, and that's it, you press play.
-Bow, you're in, yeah? -[Netflix sound logo plays]
You're in. You're watching your program, yeah?
Ten minutes in, it gets a bit quiet, doesn't it, guys? Yeah? Yeah?
Fifteen minutes in, yeah,
Sleeping Beauty over here…
-[audience laughing] -[Mo chuckling]
…has fallen asleep, yeah?
Not because she started work early
or because she had a long day and maybe went to the gym.
You know why she fell asleep?
Because she just drunk a pint of wine in five minutes.
She's out.
Now we gotta watch this film that we planned to go and watch together
by ourselves.
And that's where the loyalty comes in, guys.
You say, "We did plan to watch it together."
Now we're left by ourselves. And we watch this film, don't we, guys?
"I'll have one. I'll have a cheeky one. I'll watch one episode."
We start watching it, yeah? 30 minutes goes by.
We're really enjoying ourselves, guys, aren't we?
Do you know why we're enjoying ourselves, women? I'll tell you why.
'Cause no one is asking us any flipping questions
about what is going on.
"Who's that man? Why did he kill him? Can you rewind? Is it Antonio Banderas?"
"What's he doing here? I'm gonna Google it."
"Can you pause it? Who's that man?"
"Babes, I've never seen this before in my life. I've never seen it before."
"All right. I'm just asking a question. Why are you so rude?"
-"Very rude." -[audience laughing]
"Gosh."
None of this is happening.
So you carry on watching this program, right?
And then Netflix will test your loyalty, right?
'Cause Netflix will say, "Yo."
"Oi, listen up, yeah?"
"The credits are about to roll."
"But listen, I've got another episode cooking up
in five, four, three, two…"
"What do you wanna do?"
[audience laughing]
"Fuck that bitch. Episode two!"
Episode two!
We know we shouldn't be watching episode two.
This is blasphemy within the relationship.
You shouldn't watch it, but you start enjoying episode two.
But what happens? Sleeping Beauty wakes up, yeah?
But, women, you don't just wake up.
It's like some spirit has told you in your dream, yeah,
"He's doing something wrong."
And you women wake up out of your sleep…
[gasping]
They pause it. They look at their phone. It's always the same time.
[gasping] "11:11, 11:11!"
[audience laughing]
"The angels told me. Where's my crystal? Where's my crystal?"
"Wait, hold on. Episode two?"
"Are you on episode two?"
"Oh my gosh. I can't believe you would do that."
Women start exaggerating. "I can't believe you'd do that."
"Only fell asleep for what, five minutes."
[audience laughing]
'Cause love is the best thing, man.
The love you have for your partner, the love you have for your family.
That's why I do all of this, man. Do it for my family.
And I'm now lucky enough to be in a position to just do other stuff.
Recently, you know, one of my dreams came true, you know.
One of the biggest publishers in the world was like, "Mo, listen."
"We love your comedy, right?"
"And we'd love it if you could write a children's book."
"We'll give you 12 months, a little advance,
and you find the best book you wanna write."
And then, people-- As I said, I'll be very truthful during this show, right?
And 12 months goes past.
Right? I get an email at 10:00 in the morning.
It said, "Mo, hey, I hope you're well. Can you jump on the Zoom?"
"We're gonna go through the book." Right?
I thought, "What? Oh my gosh." I totally forgot about this book, right?
I run downstairs.
I go to my kitchen, open up the Zoom in my dressing gown and my pajamas.
It was 30 people on a Zoom call, right?
Everyone from this publishing company, right?
They was like, "Hey, Mo, how's it going? It's been so long."
"So how are you getting along with the book? "
I thought, "Oh my God, I completely forgot."
Now, I thought, "You know what? I can't waste these people's time."
"So listen, thank you so much for this opportunity,
but unfortunately, this isn't for me."
They said, "Why?"
[gasping] "Mo, what's happened?"
I said, "Listen, I've not come up with any ideas."
These people said to me, "No, Mo, listen, check this out."
"We've got an idea. We love your nursery rhymes, yeah?"
"Your Rastafarian nursery rhymes, yeah?"
[audience laughing]
"How about this for an idea? You could do fairy tales."
"Yeah, yeah. You could do 'The Little Red Riding Hood.'"
"Yeah. You could do, I don't know, 'Goldilocks,' 'The Gingerbread Man.'"
"You could do 'Jack and the Beanstalk.' 'Cause it's copyright-free."
"How about that? But--"
"But with a Jamaican reggae twist."
[audience laughing]
I said, "What in the Turtle Bay is going on here?"
-[audience laughing] -[Mo chuckling]
The lady on the Zoom goes,
"Okay, what about if you performed a little bit for us in your kitchen?"
"We can get the ghostwriter, Tony, involved, yeah?"
There was one Black guy called Tony. "We can get him involved."
"How about that? Yeah? He's from where you're from. How about that?"
I said, "Listen, thank you so much, but listen, it doesn't feel ethical."
"I don't wanna feel like I'm selling out my culture for the bag."
They said, "Ah, Mo, such a shame."
"Why? 'Cause I'm not a corporate puppet? I'm not gonna do what you want me to?"
They said, "No, Mo."
"You know, a book like this, you'd own the IP,
and most importantly, we could pay you a bit of money."
"Not much, but we could pay you, I don't know, like £300,000."
[audience laughing]
So,
this is the book I performed in my kitchen.
Run the track, please.
[reggae music playing]
♪ Yo, wha mi tell dem ♪
♪ Yo, this is a story from my hood ♪
♪ About this young girl Named Red Riding Hood ♪
♪ She just got a call They said come quick ♪
♪ Your grandmother's ill And she's moving sick ♪
♪ So she moves so she grooves So she's moving quick ♪
♪ She moves and she grooves So she's moving sick ♪
♪ Ay, she sees the wolf In her grandmother's clothing ♪
♪ She grab a knife She nah really know him ♪
♪ The next girl, she need ah box ♪
♪ Go by the name of Goldilocks ♪
♪ Enter the house, eat up the porridge ♪
♪ Steal up the wisdom Take all their knowledge ♪
♪ But no, she's not ending there ♪
♪ She sleeps in the bed She nah live there ♪
♪ She sleeps in the bed She leave blonde hair ♪
♪ She sleeps in the bed And bed bugs in there ♪
-♪ Ginger, it's a gingerbread man ♪ -[audience laughing]
♪ Sweet and nice But the gingerbread man ♪
♪ Them nah know for the gingerbread man ♪
♪ Sweet and nice for the gingerbread man ♪
♪ Yo! Gingerbread They wanna kill him and shoot him ♪
♪ Gingerbread They wanna kill him and shoot him ♪
♪ Him have the nuts And the small piece of gluten ♪
♪ Gingerbread contains no eggs ♪
♪ Mi seh gingerbread contains no eggs ♪
♪ But you can't find gingerbread Inside Greggs ♪
So right now, people, I'm on the Zoom. It's going great.
We got middle-class white ladies losing their minds. Yeah?
They're like, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"
"It's like Notting Hill in here. What the bloodfire?"
[audience laughing]
I knew I was doing well
'cause Tony the ghostwriter, the Black guy, he lost it.
He went from code-switch to real yardie. "Ah wah di bloodfire yuh deal wid?"
People, I lost myself.
I lost myself to the point where I forgot it was for a children's book
when I done my verse of "Jack and the Beanstalk," people.
Yeah. Run the track, please.
♪ Yo, wha mi tell dem ♪
♪ Yo, wha mi tell dem, yo ♪
Let me get handclaps.
♪ Yo, yo, wha mi tell dem ♪
♪ Yo, wha mi tell dem ♪
♪ Him have the beans, him sell the cow ♪
♪ Climb up the beanstalk The boss said, "How?" ♪
♪ Mi seh, "Fee, fi, fo" and then "fum" ♪
♪ I am Jack, and you can suck your mum! ♪
[audience laughing]
London, that is my time.
Thank you lot so much.
[audience cheering]
[Mo] God bless you.
Thank you so much.
When I say South, you say London.
-South! -[audience] London!
When I say Mo, you say Gilligan.
-Mo! -Gilligan!
When I say Mo, you say Gilligan.
-Mo! -[audience] Gilligan!
Thank you. That is my time. Take care. God bless.
Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
[audience cheering, whistling]
[music continues]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughing]
[inaudible]
[man] Hey!
[music ends]
[man chuckling]
[engine revving]
[men chuckling]