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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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London, make some fucking noise, man!

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I took this tour absolutely everywhere.

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I was in the height of doing television.
They was calling me Mr. Saturday Night.

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I said, "You know what?
I wanna do a world tour."

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Not for myself, but I wanted to put
Black British comedy on the map.

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That was always the plan.
That was always the goal.

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And I said, "Do you know what?
Let's end it in London."

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But not anywhere in London.
We had to end it in South London.

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So South London, make some noise!

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I wanted to see the world.

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'Cause Black people, we go on holidays,
but we do not travel.

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I remember telling my teacher
for the first time.

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I said, "Miss, guess what.
This summer, I'm going on holiday."

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This middle-class teacher
couldn't believe her mind.

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She goes… "What? You're going
on holiday? Doesn't make sense."

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"You're on free school dinners.
How is this possible?"

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"You're on child benefit.
What's going on?"

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And the reason why there's a difference,

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because growing up, right,
we didn't go traveling.

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I had middle-class friends.
They would go traveling.

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Their parents would say,
"Mo, we're going traveling."

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"You should come with us."

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I said, "So I could look like
your Black adopted child?"

26
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,960
"Are you all right, bruv?"

27
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'Cause we all know
the Black experience of our first holiday.

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It's not one of these
all-inclusive holidays.

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It's not going to Ayia Napa, Ibiza.

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Our first experience of going on holiday

31
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is going to see where
the rest of our family is really from

32
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in a hot climate before they die.

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That's the reason why
we go on these holidays, yeah?

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I said, "Miss, guess where I'm going?
I'm going to the Caribbean."

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She goes… "Oh my God.
Children, put your pens down right now."

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"Can anyone…
can anyone guess where that is?"

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Holly, six years old, "Africa."

38
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I said, "Are you having a fucking laugh?"

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The teacher said, "No, no, no, Holly,
not that one, the other one."

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"Yes."

41
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People, I was so excited.
You know, six weeks' holiday.

42
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You know, and I'm going to visit
my great-great-grandma, yeah?

43
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I thought,
"I wonder what the house is like."

44
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It's gonna be a big house, loads of land.
It's probably a plantation.

45
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We've got our own workers, yeah?

46
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We turn up
to this little fucking shack house.

47
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No wildlife.
Nah, bruv, there's no wildlife.

48
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There's a little dusty goat, long nipples.

49
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Trying to talk to the goat.
"Hello, Mr. Goat."

50
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Even the goat's
got a rude Jamaican attitude.

51
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Even the goat,
"Mi say nerrr. Mi say nerrr."

52
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And we all know what the rule was.

53
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When you get there, your mum says,
"Don't ask for nothing,

54
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don't say nothing, don't do nothing."

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And I'm sitting there--
This is my great-great-grandma.

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I wanna ask a question.

57
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'Cause that's what you do as kids.
Kids ask questions.

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Some of you lot, it's half-term.
Your kids are asking questions.

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00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,440
"Mummy, what's in space?"

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You ever look at your kid and like,
"Shut the fuck up, man. Shut up, man"?

61
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But that's what you do as a child.
You wanna ask questions.

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I said, "I'm gonna ask a question."
I said, "Great-grandma, how old are you?"

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'Cause we never knew how old she was.
She got no papers.

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We didn't know if she was 85
or 85,000 years old.

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We don't know how old this woman is.
I said, "How old are you?"

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This poor woman
started malfunctioning, people.

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She's like,
"Well, I'm-- Well, I'm-- Well, I'm--"

68
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"All right, well, I'm--"

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"Okay, well, I was born in-- I was born--"

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Sounded like an intro
of a dancehall video.

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00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:04,880
"Well, I was born in-- Born in--"

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"Well, I--"

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This poor lady.

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I was like, "No, no, just say it.
What was the… What was the year?"

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This woman.
"Well, I was born in 19, um… 19, um--"

76
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,680
"Okay, what is-- You is 20."

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"All right, we is born in, yes, 19--"

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"1921."

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"1921?!"

80
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"Who did you go to fucking school with,
Harriet Tubman?"

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"You are old."

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I can't lie. I looked at my mum, like,

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"Mum, let's get the fuck
out of here, man."

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"There's no money here.
Let's get the fuck out of here, man."

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My mum was like,
"No, no, it's all right. It's okay."

86
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"You can play with your cousin."

87
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"My cousin?"

88
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"Mum, this guy's fucking 46.
I can't play with this guy."

89
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:50,480
"If we go to the beach, he'll look like
a sex offender, Mum. I can't."

90
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,640
We don't do no activities
when we go on holiday.

91
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,920
I've got some friends.
They're trying to do activities.

92
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There's some activities
we don't do in the Black community.

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I remember teachers saying to me,
"When you get there, go… go surfing."

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Surfing? Surfing?

95
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:08,800
Black people just about
put their feet in the water, yeah?

96
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,720
We'll put a toe in and go,

97
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,080
"Yeah, that's me done.
I'm all right, yeah?"

98
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,800
Nah, bruv, there's somethin'
in there, rude boy.

99
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Don't get me wrong. I love traveling,
but I don't like airports.

100
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'Cause you know what airports are like.
Airports are horrible.

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Especially when you get to this,
you know, security.

102
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'Cause in the UK, we have this weird
passive-aggressive politeness

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with our security.

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"Excuse me, sir, please can you stand
there on the spot? Thank you."

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You ever look at these people like,
"You being nice or you taking the piss?"

106
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,280
"Who you talking to?"

107
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We follow the rules, that's what we do.
We stand on the spot. "Okay, um…"

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But we have to give it back.
We always like the last word in the UK.

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"Um, okay. Um, well, I'm sorry,
I didn't see the sign to stand there."

110
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"My bad."

111
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And this person will give it back.

112
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"Well, next time you come to the airport,
the sign will be over there."

113
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"No, thank you."

114
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You're just going back and forth

115
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with this weird British
passive-aggressive politeness.

116
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'Cause we all know, right,
the rule in the UK is don't cause drama.

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Nobody wants to be causing drama, right?
'Cause we'll all see some drama.

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I see it in the shops.
I see people stealing Lurpak.

119
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I'm just like,
"Rah, you lot are stealing butter."

120
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,440
"Is that where we're at now? Yeah?"

121
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I can't lie. I find it sensational.

122
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'Cause we all look
until someone sees us looking.

123
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"What you fucking looking at?"

124
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"Nothing. I'm not looking at anything.
I'm not…"

125
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Some of you lot in here tonight,
"I can't lie. That butter's expensive."

126
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"Just steal that butter."

127
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,760
"We're not all doing ITV, bruv.
What you talking about, bruv?"

128
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,880
Some of you lot
putting Stork on toast. Disgusting.

129
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There was a part of me
that wanted to leave the UK.

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I did, man. I wanted to leave the UK,
and I wanted to go and live in America.

131
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I really did. Know what I mean?

132
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Look at some of you. "Rah, bruv.
You're just going to desert us, yeah?"

133
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,840
But what I mean by that
is Hollywood, yeah?

134
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You've got America,
and you've got Hollywood.

135
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Two different places.

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'Cause obviously, the industry
that I'm in, yeah, doing stand-up comedy,

137
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getting into film
and all of this stuff, television,

138
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that's where you really wanna go to.

139
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And they put you on a pedestal. They do.

140
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We don't do that stuff in the UK.
We treat everybody how they are.

141
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We can see a soap star.
Ian Beale could be in this room tonight.

142
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We're gonna call this man
Ian-fucking-Beale.

143
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We are, aren't we?

144
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We'll even go up to him,
"Oi! I know you! You're Ian Beale!"

145
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This poor man, he will even say,
"Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah."

146
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Brits, our first thing,
our first interaction is banter.

147
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"Oi! Ian! Ian, do you remember this?
Ian! Ian!"

148
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"I've got nothing left!"

149
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:41,680
This…

150
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That's the first thing
we're gonna do as Brits, man.

151
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America's different.

152
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,920
They don't even understand
the word "banter" when I was over there.

153
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Like, even their airport security,
they don't fuck around, yeah?

154
00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:00,040
Their airport security
is called TSA, yeah?

155
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,600
There was a guy
walking up and down the queue,

156
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,280
telling everyone,
"All right, y'all better listen up!"

157
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,320
"Liquids out your bag!"

158
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,400
"Belts off! Shoes off!"

159
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,200
He went up to one old lady, 80 years old.
She said, "I don't know."

160
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,440
"You holding up the line, ma'am!"

161
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,520
I thought,
"I'm not scared of this guy, yeah?"

162
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,520
That's the first thing.
We're from South London.

163
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,280
South London to the world.
What do you mean?

164
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:26,960
I thought I can…

165
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,400
Listen, I thought I could disarm this guy
with British charm, yeah?

166
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,800
I said to this man,
"Sorry, excuse me, sir, yeah?"

167
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'Cause I put on
my fantastic British accent.

168
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:38,560
"Excuse me, sir, can I ask you something?
Shall I take off this bracelet?"

169
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,280
"I just don't want it to set off
the metal detector, yeah?"

170
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,360
This one guy looked at me, he was like…

171
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:53,760
"Belt off, shoes off, iPad in the tray."

172
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,640
"No, no, what I'm saying is,
shall I take off the bracelet

173
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,560
so it don't set off the metal detector?"

174
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,400
This one guy lost it.

175
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:09,720
"My man!"

176
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:15,320
"I ain't gonna say it again
for you Harry Potter motherfuckers!"

177
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,840
I've never been
more disrespected in my life.

178
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,920
I turned into a middle-class white lady
in Waitrose, people.

179
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:26,720
I don't think you realize.

180
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,320
I started using words
that Black people don't even use.

181
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,080
I was like, "What? This is--"

182
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,520
"This is preposterous."

183
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,240
Listen, Black people don't use no fucking
words like "preposterous," you know?

184
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:41,720
There's some Black people in here,

185
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,400
"What did he say? Hippopotamus?
What's that one, bruv?"

186
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,320
"Hey, Leon, write that one down, bruv."

187
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:48,840
We don't use this.

188
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,120
Listen, no one in this room has ever
watched an episode of Top Boy,

189
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,120
and Dushane's like, "There's the drugs."

190
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,000
And Sully's like, "That's preposterous.
We can't sell all of this."

191
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,080
But I did, people.
I wanted to move to America.

192
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,680
They get special treatment.

193
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,760
Treatment that I'm not
even used to, right?

194
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,680
Because our Black British actors
are doing fantastic out there.

195
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:12,680
You know, Daniel Kaluuya, man,
doing fantastic, winning Oscars, you know.

196
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:17,320
Damson Idris, Cynthia Erivo,
the list goes on and on.

197
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,040
When you're a Black Brit, people,
and you go to Hollywood,

198
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,160
you get this weird
special treatment, right?

199
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,440
I'll give you an example.

200
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,160
Listen to the timecodes
that I'm about to give you, right?

201
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,040
I fly out there on Wednesday
to film a television show.

202
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,360
Fly out Wednesday morning.

203
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:35,000
I land, right,
their time, Wednesday afternoon.

204
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,320
As soon as I land,
I've got six missed calls.

205
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,320
I call this American number back,
someone panicking,

206
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,640
"Oh my God, Mo Gilligan."

207
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:47,280
"Um, listen, we've gotta get you to set
tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. Is that okay?"

208
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,200
I said, "That's fine. That's okay, right?"

209
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:53,160
Thursday morning, I get to set, right?
The CEO-- Listen to this.

210
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,320
The CEO of the network comes down to set.

211
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,920
Everyone is panicking.

212
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,760
Now, my mum always said to me,
"Be your authentic self."

213
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,040
"Treat people how you like
to be treated," right?

214
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,120
He came straight up to me.
I don't know if it was intimidation.

215
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:11,200
He was like, "Hey. Oh my God.
Wow. Mo Gilligan, wow, big fan."

216
00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:13,960
I said, "Yes. What you saying, bruv?
Nice to meet you."

217
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,040
You know?

218
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,320
This guy was like, "Oh my God,
we're so pleased to have you here."

219
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,440
"Let me ask you, Mo Gilligan,
how are you finding your time here?"

220
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,720
I said, "Listen, man,
it's a long way from home."

221
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,840
"Obviously, man, the flight
was a bit long, but it's okay, man."

222
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,960
"Missing some of the mandem,
but that is what it is, you know?"

223
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,000
Hear this guy… "Oh my God."

224
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,560
"Oh my God. Olivia, come over here."
That was the assistant.

225
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,960
"Olivia, come over here.
Oh my God, listen to this."

226
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:38,960
"He's missing his French madame."

227
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,640
I said, "No, the mandem. My friends.
Do you know what I mean?"

228
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,200
"I'm just-- 'Cause obviously, it's just
a WhatsApp banter with the time."

229
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,160
"That's all it is. You know what I mean?"
This guy got so concerned.

230
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,440
"Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God."

231
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:56,320
"Olivia, why didn't we know about the--
What are you missing?"

232
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:59,400
"Just the banter."
"We gotta get some banter, okay? Um…"

233
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,200
"I didn't know about this, Mo Gilligan.
Okay. What we're gonna do--"

234
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,160
"How about this? It's not a big gesture,

235
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:10,200
but, um, how about if we, uh, fly out five
of your closest friends tomorrow night,

236
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,320
um, so they can bring you the banter?
Is that okay? Is that all right?"

237
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,560
People, I don't think he realized
I grew up in a council estate.

238
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,240
Fly over my friends in 24 hours?

239
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,680
I looked at this man.
I felt like saying, "Forget them, bruv."

240
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,160
"Give me the money.
Do you think I care about…"

241
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,160
"Do you think I care
about emotional support?"

242
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,480
But apparently you can't say that.
It's not professional.

243
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:37,680
So he flew out my friends.

244
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,280
Twenty-four hours later,
I go pick up my friends.

245
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,720
They ain't even got a clue.

246
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,520
My friends are like, "Hey, rah.
Hey, blud. What's going on?"

247
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,320
One of my friends couldn't believe it.
He's like, "Rah, LA?"

248
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,240
"This looks like
Grand Theft Auto, rude boy. Rah."

249
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,360
I said, "We've just gotta go
and say thank you."

250
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,760
That's the least we could do.

251
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,440
We went to his office. I was like,

252
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,000
"These are the guys.
We just wanted to say thank you."

253
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,000
This guy couldn't believe we'd done this.

254
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,520
"Oh my God. Wow. Oh my God, Mo Gilligan."

255
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,560
"These are the man-them. Wow."

256
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,040
"Oh my God. Oh my God."

257
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,840
"Oh my God, it's like Top Boy.
Um, Mo, let me ask you…"

258
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,840
"Um, Mo, uh, what… what's the plan?"

259
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,320
"How do you plan to get
you and your man-them,

260
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:18,880
um, to set tomorrow morning?"

261
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,640
I said, "I don't know.
It's all right, you've done enough."

262
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,040
"We can just jump in an Uber.
Don't worry about it."

263
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,000
Hear this guy… "An Uber? Ew."

264
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,880
"Oh no." I said, "What do you mean?"

265
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,600
He said, "Listen, Mo Gilligan,
you're in Hollywood now, okay?"

266
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,200
"You've gotta think and feel
like you're in Hollywood."

267
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,640
I said, "What does that mean?"
He goes, "Listen, Mo Gilligan."

268
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,200
"We're gonna get you a driver, okay?"

269
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,960
"Anywhere you wanna go,
you've got your own personal driver."

270
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,760
I said, "What? Are you sure? You serious?"

271
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,800
He goes, "Listen, anything for these guys
from Summerhouse, okay? All right."

272
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:51,280
"All right. Okay."

273
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,880
"All right. Okay. All right."

274
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:58,920
So he got me a driver, people.
I've never had a driver in my life.

275
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,520
We had this driver,
his name was called DJ, right?

276
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:06,640
He turned up, tie, suit, shoes shiny,
seam in the trousers.

277
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,680
This guy wasn't even much older than me.
He was only two, three years older.

278
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,240
Opened the door when I first met him.
He goes, "Hey, what's going on, boss?"

279
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,840
"Where you wanna go first, boss?
Wanna go see the sights, boss?"

280
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,840
"Wanna go get a coffee? What about--"

281
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,520
"What about the gym, boss?
What you wanna do first, boss?"

282
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:24,280
I said, "Wait, bro. Wait, wait, wait.
Stop calling me boss, okay?"

283
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,960
"Listen, you're free now.
I don't know what happened…

284
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,400
…before I got here, okay?"

285
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,600
"But listen, you're one of the mandem now.
You're one of the guys."

286
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:36,000
I said, "Listen, DJ, where can we go?"

287
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,840
"Some of these guys-- Listen,
they just have normal nine-to-fives."

288
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,480
"Where can we go out, you know?"

289
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,560
DJ goes to me, "Don't worry, man.
I know someone," right?

290
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:44,760
He got on his phone.

291
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,000
He was like, "Mm-hmm. Yeah."

292
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:48,760
"Yeah."

293
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,640
"Yeah, they like British dudes. Yeah."

294
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,080
"Yeah."

295
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,680
"No, not Gordon Ramsay. No, no."

296
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,760
"They like, uh,

297
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,480
they're like Idris-Elba-ass-motherfuckers.
Yeah."

298
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,240
"Okay. Okay. All right, bet."
So he puts the phone down.

299
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,960
So I'm like, "DJ, who did you call?"

300
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,720
DJ said to me, "Listen, man,

301
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,640
I just gave your number
to the hottest promoter in Hollywood."

302
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,200
"He gonna text you right now."

303
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,280
I said, "All right, cool."

304
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:17,320
So, people, I get this text
from the promoter.

305
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,400
The first thing the promoter says to me,
he goes, "Hey, what up, man?"

306
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,600
"I need a name for the table."

307
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,680
I was like, "Cool."
Sent my name, Mo Gilligan.

308
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,000
Right?

309
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,960
So I sent my--
Thank you. I do my own stunts.

310
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,840
Appreciate you. Thank you so much.

311
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,480
Jackie Chan could never.

312
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:37,520
So I sent my name, right?

313
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,720
Now listen to this, people.

314
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,840
He then replies back
with nothing but fire emojis, yeah?

315
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,680
So I show the guys.
I'm like, "Guys, I'm a bit confused."

316
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,720
One of my friends gassing me up,
"Yo, bruv, you're international."

317
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,240
"Nah, bruv. He knows, bruv."

318
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,680
Then he replies back again.

319
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:57,240
He goes, "Nah, wait, you lying.
This ain't no Mo Gilligan."

320
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:01,160
I said, "Whoa." I said,
"Bro, what Mo do you think I am, bro?"

321
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,080
"Who do you think I am?
Mo Farah? Mo Salah?"

322
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,880
"What Mo have you mixed me up with?"

323
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,360
He goes, "Nah, man, this ain't
the British Black comic Mo Gilligan."

324
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,360
I can't lie, people. I was like,
"Am I that well-known out here, yeah?"

325
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,480
He then replies again.
"Nah, you lying. Table's off."

326
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:16,800
I said, "Bruv, phone me now."

327
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,080
I got very defensive.
Extremely South London.

328
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:20,560
I said, "Phone me now, bruv."

329
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:21,680
This guy phoned me.

330
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,240
I picked up the phone,
very hostile. I said, "Yo."

331
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,680
Hear this guy…

332
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,360
"My man Mo Gilligan."

333
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,480
"Why didn't you just tell me
you was in LA?"

334
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,000
"I… I… I… I didn't--"

335
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,360
"I didn't have your number to call in,
so I didn't-- I didn't know, man."

336
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:46,960
He said, "Listen, man, you come down
to the club whenever you want."

337
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,160
Puts the phone down.
Me and the guys are confused.

338
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,320
We get dressed. We drive to this club.

339
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,680
And, people, everybody's outside.

340
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,320
There's rappers outside.

341
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,280
You got NBA players outside.
There's even drug dealers outside.

342
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,640
Everybody is outside trying to get in.

343
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,480
I thought, "Listen, how are me and
my five friends gonna get in this club?"

344
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,040
We just-- This--
I said, "Listen, what's the protocol?"

345
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,080
"Could you park
across the side of the road?"

346
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,720
"How does this work?" Know what I mean?

347
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,480
"Are we gonna go in? You gonna get food?"

348
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,240
"Maybe come back? Should I text you?"

349
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,960
DJ said to me, he goes, "Listen, man,
I'm gonna be out here waiting all night."

350
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,000
I said, "What? So if we go in there
and have the time of our life,

351
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,000
you're telling me
you're gonna be waiting here?"

352
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,120
DJ said to me, "Yeah, man, all night."

353
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,360
I can't lie, people.
I felt so bad for this guy.

354
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:30,560
Not my friends.

355
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,560
"All right, bye. Take care.
Let's go. Fuck this guy. Let's go."

356
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,800
I said, "Do you know what, DJ?
Listen, come out with us, man."

357
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:37,920
"It's the least we can do."

358
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,560
DJ, "You sure, boss?
I can come out with you?"

359
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,400
"You sure, boss? You mean that?"

360
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,480
I said, "Stop calling me boss.
This is not Django."

361
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,200
"Come out.
You're one of the guys now. Okay?"

362
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:51,360
So we walk up to the club. We're outside.
Everyone's outside trying to get in.

363
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,640
I thought, how are me,
my five friends from London, and a driver

364
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,400
gonna get into this club with the caliber
of people already trying to get in?

365
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,480
I thought, you know what?
I'm gonna spare myself the embarrassment.

366
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,440
Let me text the promoter.
"Listen, thank you so much

367
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,160
for organizing this table
at such short notice,

368
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:11,240
but me and the guys are gonna leave it,
grab a drink round the corner. See you."

369
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:12,640
Sent this text.

370
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:17,360
People, I promise you.
I swear to you on my mother's life, yeah?

371
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:18,880
She's standing up there.

372
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,840
If I'm lying, out of nowhere, she'll go,
"Yo, where the bloodfire yardie?"

373
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:29,000
I sent this text, people,
and then all you could hear

374
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:31,160
was a voice from the front of the club go,

375
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,160
"Hey!"

376
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:33,880
"Hey!"

377
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,880
"Everyone back up!"

378
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,320
"Mo Gilligan coming through."

379
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,400
For the first time in my life, I was like,

380
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:48,120
"Rah, there's two Mo Gilligans in here
tonight. What are the chances of that?"

381
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,520
One of my boys does that thing
where he pokes me in the side.

382
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:51,800
He's like, "That's you."

383
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,560
I'm mad ticklish, so I was like, "Ahh!"

384
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:57,120
I said, "Brudda, don't do that, bruv.
I'm trying to be cool."

385
00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,200
So we start walking towards the queue.
The weirdest thing happened.

386
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,000
As we start walking to the queue,

387
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,800
people start parting
like I was flipping Moses, right?

388
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,320
And I'm walking,
and as I get walking, I'm closer.

389
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,440
I've got all the guys behind me.
My friends are like,

390
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,400
"What? What, is that you, yeah?"

391
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,400
I'm like, "You man, chill, man.
We're not there yet. You man, chill."

392
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:16,520
We get closer.

393
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,160
I can hear these girls
in the queue saying stuff.

394
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,480
"Oh my God. I know who that is."

395
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,200
I'm like, "Stop lying. No Gogglebox in LA.
Shut up, man."

396
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,120
"Please, man."

397
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,520
Then there was this 6'7"
NBA player, right?

398
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,120
He's in my way, so I'm being humble.

399
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:33,600
I'm like, "Sorry, my guy. That's me just
trying to come through. Excuse me."

400
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,200
This guy was pretending
like he couldn't hear or see me.

401
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:37,760
"I don't know who that is."

402
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,240
I was like, "Sorry, bro, excuse me.
Trying to come--"

403
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:41,440
"I don't know who that is."

404
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,240
I look at the promoter.
He's like, "Come on."

405
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:47,320
I said, "I've got this guy in the way."
Hear the promoter, "Hey, you, back up!"

406
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,040
"That's Mo Gilligan coming through."

407
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:55,480
Let me tell you something. I walked past
this guy like I was LeBron James.

408
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,600
I was like, "Coming through, bro."

409
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,040
"Coming through, bro."

410
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,240
We get to the front,
they take off the thing, cha-ching.

411
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:04,440
We go through.

412
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,960
We didn't get searched.
We didn't get searched. Yeah?

413
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,240
One of my boys was like,
"I got a bag of weed in my bum."

414
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,920
I was like, "Bro…"

415
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,880
Then as we get through,
we hear someone say, "Hey, hey!"

416
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,600
I'm thinking we're gonna get turfed.

417
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,640
The manager came out.
The manager came out.

418
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,800
He was like…
"Oh my God, Mo Gilligan. Oh my God."

419
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,200
"What a pleasure it is
to have you in my venue."

420
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,240
"Thank you so much for choosing my club."

421
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,320
"I just need two things
before you guys enter."

422
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,240
"I just need a credit card and ID.
Is that okay?"

423
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,400
All my guys. I said, "Don't worry.
It's on me tonight."

424
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,200
Gave him my credit card, gave him my ID.

425
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,520
Now, people, the problem in Hollywood

426
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:42,760
is people wanna have a connection with you
because they hear where you're from, yeah?

427
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,040
Sometimes they'll say things
that don't make any sense.

428
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:48,560
The club owner said to me, he's like,
"Oh my God, wait. Oh my God."

429
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,280
"You guys are from London, right?"
I said, "Yeah, we're from London."

430
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,360
Hear this guy, "Oh my God, that's insane."

431
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,960
"Me and my wife
went to, uh, Barcelona last year. Yeah."

432
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,440
"Yeah, yeah."

433
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,120
One of my boys, "That's not even fuckin--"
"Hey, shut your mouth."

434
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:02,640
"Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah."

435
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,440
Then we get escorted into the club,
people, right?

436
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,760
We go to our section.
I see some other guys from London.

437
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:12,240
They notice me. They're like, "Rah, what?
Man like Mo, yeah? Okay."

438
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:15,240
"Is that all you're doing?"
I can't lie. I got a little bit gassed.

439
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,400
I was like, "'Low me, bruv.
Low me, bruv. Low me, bruv."

440
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,800
I said, "Listen, guys,
I've got my own table. Follow me."

441
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,560
They said, "You sure?"
I said, "Come, man."

442
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,360
So we go to this section, people, right?

443
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:25,680
And the section was tight.

444
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,000
It wasn't a big section, my friend.
It was so tight.

445
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,600
You had 12 Black guys
in this small section trying to dance.

446
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,480
All our elbows, all our…
all our arms are touching.

447
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,280
But I thought, "You know what?
This is okay."

448
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:38,040
If I died tonight,

449
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,760
being in Hollywood with my friends,
I'd be a happy man, right?

450
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:45,040
Then the promoter came up to me.
He goes, "Ha! My man Mo Gilligan."

451
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,640
"What's going on?"
I said, "Listen, thank you so much."

452
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,960
"I really appreciate what you've organized
for us at such last minute."

453
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,480
"Thank you so much, man."

454
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,240
He goes, "Hey, how you finding it?"

455
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,200
I said, "I'm finding it great."
I said, "Listen."

456
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,320
"It's a bit tight in here,
but it is what it is."

457
00:21:58,400 --> 00:21:59,400
"What?"

458
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,680
"It's a bit tight in here,
but it is what it is."

459
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:07,400
"What? Nah. Fuck that.
Only the best for you. Follow me."

460
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,920
He starts walking through the club,
pushing people out the way.

461
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,080
One of my boys was like,
"Who does he think you are?"

462
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,720
I said, "I don't know, Muhammad Ali.
I don't know what is going on here."

463
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:16,640
Right?

464
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:22,360
Then we get this other section, people.
This is like a VVVIP section, right?

465
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:26,800
We get this section. Now, this is why
I say Hollywood is a crazy place.

466
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,960
Because there was this one man, right?
And he was with about eight women.

467
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:32,600
The promoter goes up to him.

468
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:36,040
He's like, "Hey, my man,
so sorry, but you gotta move." Yeah?

469
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,240
This guy obviously lost his shit.

470
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:41,880
He's like, "What you mean I gotta move?
Who the fuck are you?"

471
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,640
Every time he kept saying it, it felt like
it was a personal bullet to my ego.

472
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:47,640
"Who the fuck is you?"

473
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:51,040
I looked at him.
He looked at me. I was like…

474
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:52,680
"Um…"

475
00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,320
"Have you seen The Masked Singer UK? No?"

476
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,440
"No? No?"

477
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:07,040
Then the promoter said, "Listen, man,
I got my best bottle girl, Liberty."

478
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:08,560
"She gonna look after y'all." Right?

479
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,560
So Liberty comes over, people, right?

480
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:15,000
This woman was about six foot, right?
She looked like a Victoria's Secret model.

481
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:20,280
She was wearing a corset,
thigh-high boots, and a G-string, yeah?

482
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:21,840
Did you just hear what I just said?

483
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:24,840
A corset, thigh-high boots,
and a G-string.

484
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,640
In the club. Yeah?

485
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,840
So that means
if she put her leg out anywhere,

486
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:31,720
bow, flap, Cillit Bang,
and the flaps are out.

487
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,880
I don't think you lot realize
what I'm saying.

488
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,760
This ain't when you lot
used to go clubbing back in the day.

489
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:39,440
You had a girl in Tiger Tiger,

490
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,640
"You all right? Want some shots?
Want some Jägerbombs?"

491
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,440
"No? Shout me if you want
some Jägerbombs, all right?"

492
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,040
This woman comes up to me, right,
with a list.

493
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,680
She goes, "Hey, oh my God.
Hey, oh my God."

494
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:52,240
"What's going on, Mo Gilly?"

495
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,440
I was like, "Who's that, bruv?"

496
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:59,120
She goes, "You guys must be so thirsty.
Let's get you some beverages. Oh my God."

497
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:03,120
So, people, I open up the menu.
The menu lights up. It's a digital menu.

498
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:05,960
It's got all the prices there.
I'm looking at all the prices, right?

499
00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,560
And as I'm looking at the menu…

500
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:12,040
…the menu is looking back at me, right?

501
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,480
Now, I'm not gonna sit here
in front of 15,000 people, right,

502
00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:18,880
and pretend like
I'm not doing all right for myself.

503
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:20,760
But, people, I promise you,

504
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,040
I was looking
at the price of these drinks,

505
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:25,040
and I had to start asking questions.

506
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:29,200
I even had to say to myself, "Am I
investing stock in these alcohol brands?"

507
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,720
"'Cause what the hell are these prices?"

508
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,280
I'm looking at my friends.
None of my friends are looking at me.

509
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:37,680
They all became architects.
"Rah, is that a chandelier up there?"

510
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:42,080
"There's two chandeliers up there.
How did they get that up there, bruv?"

511
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,480
"How did they get that up there?"

512
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:44,880
I look at one of my friends.

513
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,040
'Cause we've all got a cheapskate friend,
haven't we?

514
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:49,480
I said, "Jeff, look at that.
Look at the price of that."

515
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,560
He looked at me. He was like, "Rah."

516
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,960
"You know how many bottles in Costco
we could buy with that?"

517
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:55,040
"What?"

518
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,120
I had Liberty saying,
"I'm so sorry, Mo Gilly."

519
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,120
"I've gotta rush you. I'm so sorry."

520
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,320
I thought, you know,
I've got no one to impress here.

521
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:05,240
Nobody knows me here in Hollywood.

522
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:09,120
I said, "It's fine." I got
the cheapest package on the list, yeah?

523
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,960
Liberty said to me, "Just to let you know
how it works here, Mo Gilly."

524
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,160
"Because this is our entry-level package,

525
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,480
um, there's no lights, there's no show,
there's no sparklers, there's no sign."

526
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:18,400
"Is that okay?"

527
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,240
I said, "It's fine.
Don't worry about it, man." She goes off.

528
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:24,440
She comes back two minutes later
with a bucket, right?

529
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:28,600
A bucket, two bottles of champagne,
a bottle of vodka, and a bottle of cognac.

530
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,760
I thought, this is fine.
This is fine, people.

531
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,560
Then I see the Hollywood lifestyle
hit my friends first.

532
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,600
My friend picked up a bottle of champagne,

533
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,840
started offering it to girls
like it was the Last Supper.

534
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,320
"Yeah, come, come. Have some, have some.
Yeah, yeah. No, no. Have some. Yeah." Brr!

535
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,400
"Yeah, yeah. No, no, no,
bring your friend. Brr! Yeah, yeah."

536
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:45,360
"Nah, it's calm."

537
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,680
I swear to you, people,
I'm not even a cheapskate,

538
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:50,440
but I was seeing every glass being poured
and just counting them like,

539
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:52,800
"Rah, that's at least
$95 a glass right there."

540
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,720
"Should we even drink the other half?
Fuck it. Let me put it back in the bowl."

541
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,200
"Put that back."

542
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:01,960
But something said to myself,

543
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,040
"Do you know what, Mo?
Let's enjoy. Let's relax."

544
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:07,880
These moments don't happen to people
like me, let alone my friends, every day.

545
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,960
So I did. I started to enjoy, right?

546
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,800
Then I seen the NBA players
get their package.

547
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,760
And wow, what a sight it was.

548
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,920
They had the sparklers,
they had the whole show.

549
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,800
They even had a sign.
I've never seen a sign before in a club.

550
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,520
Their bottle girl has a sign.
But she's looking at us with the sign.

551
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,480
She's like this. She's like…
With their sign, right?

552
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,360
I'm thinking,
"What does it say on the sign?"

553
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:30,320
Everyone on the dance floor
is going, "Oh!"

554
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:31,840
"Whoa!"

555
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:34,320
So I look at the sign.
I think, what does the sign say?

556
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:38,400
I look over at the sign, and it said,
"NBA boys are here," right?

557
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:39,600
Know what it said below?

558
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,680
It said,
"Broke London boys, catch up," right?

559
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,880
So I'm thinking it can't be us.
It can't be us.

560
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,680
We are not the broke London boys, right?

561
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,680
And then the DJ went on the mic,
goes, "Oh man."

562
00:26:58,040 --> 00:26:59,720
"They called out London."

563
00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:04,720
"So you know they called out
my man Mo Gilligan over there!"

564
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:10,440
Listen, the whole club turned around
and looked at me.

565
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,320
I was like, "How dare you, bruv?
I've been on Celebrity Bake Off."

566
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:14,680
"How dare you?"

567
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,040
I said, "Nah, man, forget that."

568
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,960
I said, "Nah,
let me get some more drinks."

569
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:21,600
All the guys, "Nah, bro, don't do it.
This is what they want."

570
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,440
"Bottle wars. You to spend more money.
This is what they want."

571
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:26,760
"Black-on-Black crime.
This is what they want."

572
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,440
I said, "Nah." I said, "Hold on, wait."

573
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:30,800
"Where was this energy

574
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:34,120
when you lot was looking at chandeliers
and talking about Costco?"

575
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:36,400
I said, "Nah, forget that, man.
Let me quickly--"

576
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:37,840
So I'm looking at the list, people.

577
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:40,000
I'm trying to see what I can afford,
what I can't,

578
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,440
what I might have to move from the Monzo
to the HSBC business account,

579
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,920
what I might go overdrawn--
'Cause that's what we do.

580
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:47,640
If we know we're gonna spend too much,

581
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:49,760
we're thinking,
"What can I sell tomorrow?"

582
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:54,440
"How much can I get for a PS5
in CeX when I go back?"

583
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:57,160
These are the things we do
when we know we're gonna overspend.

584
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,760
So I'm looking at it,
trying to see what I can afford.

585
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,720
Then, listen to this,
the DJ goes back on the mic again.

586
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:05,520
He goes, "Ah man."

587
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:09,720
"They called out London."

588
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:12,280
Huh. Huh. Huh.

589
00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:13,960
"What would Skepta say?"

590
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,080
"Skepta?"

591
00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:18,720
"The fuck has Skepta got to do with this?"

592
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:20,200
So now I'm under pressure, thinking,

593
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,960
"Fucking hell, I'm gonna be
on Link Up TV tomorrow morning."

594
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,000
So I'm looking at the menu.
I see one thing.

595
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,640
It was called
Diamond Black Package, right?

596
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,680
I said, "Give me this one."
I get this one.

597
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:33,440
It didn't have any price.
It just said POA.

598
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:35,880
I don't know what POA means, people.
I'm dyslexic.

599
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,720
I think it means "poor on arrival."

600
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:39,680
So this is the package we got, right?

601
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:42,120
So Liberty goes off.

602
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,520
Ten minutes. There's no bottles,
there's no drinks, there's no sparklers.

603
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,040
I'm thinking,
"Wow, I've really been scammed here."

604
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,080
Then out of nowhere, people, right,

605
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:53,200
the DJ stopped the music
in the club, right?

606
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:59,400
Then he turned off the lights
in the club. Bow!

607
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,160
All of the lights went out.

608
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:08,360
Come on, you don't get
two Netflix specials for nothin', bruv.

609
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:16,640
And he got on the mic, people.
And he was like, "Ah man!"

610
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,760
"They called out London."

611
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,200
"They called out Mo Gilligan."

612
00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:27,760
"Mo Gilligan, Mo Gilligan, Mo Gilligan."

613
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:35,480
"But I didn't know,
I didn't know, I didn't know…"

614
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:37,360
He didn't even have an echo machine.

615
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,280
He was doing this with his mouth
in the club.

616
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:44,080
"I didn't know.
I didn't know. I didn't know…

617
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:48,000
that he was gonna come back like this,

618
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:51,360
like this, like this, like this…"

619
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,120
So I'm thinking like,
"Fucking what, bruv?"

620
00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:58,400
I look over at Liberty.
Liberty's near the kitchen.

621
00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:02,640
I look over at Liberty, and I'm like,
"Liberty, what's going on here?"

622
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:07,320
Liberty goes to me,
"One second. I've got you." Right?

623
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:09,560
And she's wearing a cloak with a mask.

624
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,640
So I'm thinking, what weird fucking
Illuminati P. Diddy shit

625
00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:15,440
is gonna happen here
tonight in Hollywood, right?

626
00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:18,440
And just before I could think, right,

627
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:20,680
the music starts playing
in the club, right?

628
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:24,960
Now Liberty walks out, right?

629
00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:27,600
She's not smiling,
her eyes are wide open, right?

630
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:31,080
And she's got this weird march
as she walks out by herself, people.

631
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,360
Liberty comes walking out
like this, people.

632
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:34,600
This is Liberty, just…

633
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:42,640
Now behind Liberty,
there are two other dancers,

634
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,400
and they're doing this weird dance
in cloaks as well.

635
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:46,440
They're just…

636
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:49,920
Now listen, people.

637
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:54,320
Behind Liberty,
there was four Samoan bodyguards, right?

638
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:55,960
Now, they're holding something,

639
00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,040
but we can't see
what they're holding, right?

640
00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:00,840
But they walk out
doing this same weird dance.

641
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:01,760
They come…

642
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:08,360
So I'm thinking, what goat are they gonna
sacrifice in this fucking club, yeah?

643
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:14,640
And then all the Samoan bodyguards,
they all go like this, "Hey, hey, hey,"

644
00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:17,160
and then lift up something.
We couldn't see what they lifted up.

645
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:18,440
You know what they lifted?

646
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:23,880
They lifted up a coffin
with 25 bottles of champagne in it, right?

647
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:27,800
And then they start marching
to our section like this,

648
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:33,520
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey."

649
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,040
So obviously,
all my boys start losing their shit.

650
00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,640
"What? Ay, what?"

651
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:42,600
"Ay, Mo? Ay, Mo? Is that for us?"

652
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:44,960
"Is that for us?"

653
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:48,640
"Oi, Mum's life, bismillah,
is that all your doing?"

654
00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:52,880
"Mo, listen, listen, if that's not for us,

655
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,680
Mum's life, I can't lie,
I'm gonna bang you in your face."

656
00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:59,440
"Mo, tell me, is that all your doing?"

657
00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:01,200
People, I can't lie,
I took all the credit.

658
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:04,960
I was like, "You man, sometimes,
that's what you gotta do.

659
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:16,120
People, I'm not ashamed to tell you this,
but I started losing myself, right?

660
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:20,280
They started putting, one by one,
all these bottles on our table, yeah?

661
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:22,600
I thought I was
a fucking drug dealer, yeah?

662
00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,040
But my excitement, it started popping out.

663
00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:27,160
I was like…

664
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,320
I went straight up to the NBA players.
I went straight over to them.

665
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:42,360
I was like, "What?"

666
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:44,320
"What?"

667
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:49,200
"That's what we do, bruv."

668
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:03,680
People, for the first time in my life,
I lost myself.

669
00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:06,000
I don't think you realize.
I've never lost myself.

670
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:07,400
I didn't even know who I was.

671
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:11,440
One of the NBA players was like,
"Nah, I gotta know. What's your name?"

672
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:13,800
I said, "Don't worry
about my fucking name, bruv."

673
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,800
He said, "Nah, British man.
I ain't never seen that, man."

674
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:19,200
"What's your name, British man?"

675
00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:22,320
I said, "Don't worry
about my fucking name, bruv."

676
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:25,120
He goes, "Nah, British man,
who are you?" I said, "Me?"

677
00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:26,600
He said, "You." I said, "Me?"

678
00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,200
I said, "I'm… I'm… I'm…"

679
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:31,040
"Dushane, bruv."

680
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,960
"We sell fucking drugs!"

681
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:43,880
My friends say, "Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa. We don't do that, bruv."

682
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:46,960
"I work in IT, bruv.
I'm on my last warning. What you doing?"

683
00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:52,680
People, for the first time ever
in my life, I lost myself.

684
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:56,400
Don't get me wrong. I've been drunk,
but I've never lost myself.

685
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,720
I was giving people
bottles of champagne like I was Oprah.

686
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,800
"Here, you get a bottle. You get a bottle.
Everyone gets a bottle."

687
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:04,200
I lost myself, people.

688
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:08,240
I even gave a bottle of champagne
to DJ, the driver.

689
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:10,280
I said, "DJ, here,
have a bottle of champagne."

690
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:12,720
"Nah, man.
Nah, I don't drink no champagne."

691
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:15,280
I said, "Come on, bruv.
Whatever happened to ride or die?"

692
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:16,880
"Live life, man."

693
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:19,600
He said, "Nah, man, I don't drink that."
I said, "What do you drink?"

694
00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:22,440
"What's your drink?"
He goes, "Me, I just like some tequila."

695
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:24,520
I said, "Listen, Liberty, come over here."

696
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,080
"Listen, this is DJ,
the best driver ever."

697
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:29,160
"Get my man a bottle of tequila."

698
00:34:29,240 --> 00:34:31,480
Gave me the bottle,
this big vase-looking bottle.

699
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:33,760
I gave the bottle to him, right?
Listen to this, people.

700
00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:36,320
DJ starts crying in the club, yeah?

701
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:38,760
As all this is going on, he's like…

702
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:39,960
"Nah, man."

703
00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:41,520
"Nah, man. No."

704
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:46,440
"None… None of my clients
have ever treated me like… like y'all."

705
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,400
I said, "Listen, DJ,
you're one of the mandem now."

706
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:50,960
"Listen, you're family."

707
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:53,920
He goes, "You… You sure?"
I said, "Yeah, bruv, you're family."

708
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:55,800
"You know what?
Liberty, give me a bottle too."

709
00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:57,800
So I had a bottle, me had a bottle.

710
00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:01,400
DJ said, "Hey, man, say something
real gangster from y'all hood."

711
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:03,480
People, I'm not from the hood like that.

712
00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:07,880
I was saying things that are not gangster.
He said, "Say something." I said…

713
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:09,440
Autoglass replace

714
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,040
Autoglass repair

715
00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:22,240
DJ loved it. "Yeah,
and I'll replace the glass. Yeah, yeah."

716
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:25,440
"They got bullet holes in the glass."
"Yeah, all right, bruv."

717
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:28,600
"It's just a stone chip, but hey,
whatever floats your boat, bruv."

718
00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:30,680
Started losing myself.

719
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:34,480
I thought, "I could get used to this
Hollywood lifestyle. I really could, man."

720
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:37,720
Being around my friends,
being surrounded by all these people,

721
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:39,720
drinking bottles of champagne. You know?

722
00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:42,360
Then one of the NBA players
like, "Nah, man."

723
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:45,800
"We gotta toast to my man Dushane."

724
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:47,080
You know, the whole club.

725
00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:50,440
"Hey! Dushane, Dushane, Dushane!"

726
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:53,200
I thought, "Wow. Oh my God."
Let me tell you something.

727
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,840
That, for me, was one of
the best moments ever of my life.

728
00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:59,920
Like, listen, forget doing
all this comedy stuff, winning BAFTAs.

729
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,560
That moment right there,
I was like, "Wow, this is the--"

730
00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:05,080
Forget my birth.
I wasn't really there for that.

731
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:08,040
That moment
was one of the greatest moments ever.

732
00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:09,600
We all took a shot.

733
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:11,640
Oh, one of the best moments ever.

734
00:36:11,720 --> 00:36:14,440
I said, "Liberty, quick, you do a shot.
Can you get the receipt?"

735
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:18,200
I'm doing the last shot. I'm a cheapskate.
I paid for this. I was like…

736
00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,360
"Bruv, put a bottle of champagne
in your pocket."

737
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,160
"Take this home, bruv."

738
00:36:22,240 --> 00:36:25,280
One of the greatest moments of my life.
Then Liberty comes over.

739
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:26,760
"Thank you for the receipt."

740
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:28,760
I said, "You go with him. You go…"

741
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:43,080
People, you ever been so drunk that
you tried to undrunk yourself for logic?

742
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:46,520
You ever tried to do that stuff?
Where you tried to rub your brow and go…

743
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:51,600
You start realizing what's going on.

744
00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:54,280
Realizing I had all my buttons
of my shirt open.

745
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,120
I don't think you realize.
All the buttons were open.

746
00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:58,800
Even my belly button was out.

747
00:36:58,880 --> 00:36:59,720
[audience laughing

748
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:03,760
My belly button was like, "Rah, you lot
are moving mad in here tonight, innit?"

749
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,400
I'm looking at this receipt.

750
00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:09,720
I was like, "Sorry, Liberty, um…"

751
00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:13,280
"Okay, um…"

752
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,000
She goes, "Oh my God, Mo Gilly."

753
00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:17,240
"Oh my God.
What's the problem? What's going on?"

754
00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:18,960
I was like, "Um, okay, sorry,

755
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:23,280
I'm trying to understand, um,
the price of the tax, gratuity, tip."

756
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,080
"Could you tell me
how much that bottle is?"

757
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:29,320
Liberty was like, "Let's check it out.
Okay, tax, gratuity, tip…"

758
00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:34,440
"Um, okay, so that one bottle,
Casa Azul, that one bottle is…"

759
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,760
"Oh, that's okay.
That's just, uh, $5,000."

760
00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:44,200
People, that's not including
the bottle I got for myself,

761
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:46,840
package number one, package number two.

762
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:50,640
I properly looked at this girl, Liberty.
I was like, "Yeah."

763
00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:53,840
"I know why they call you
fucking Liberty, innit? 'Cause…"

764
00:37:57,920 --> 00:37:59,280
And then I was like, "Okay, um…"

765
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,400
And I'm looking at this, and she's like,
"Okay, what's the problem? What is it?"

766
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,160
I was like, "Well, this is…"
She goes, "What is it, Mo Gilly?"

767
00:38:05,240 --> 00:38:07,080
I said, "This is…"
She goes, "Just be honest."

768
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:08,760
I said, "This is…

769
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:09,720
…preposterous."

770
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,240
"This is flipping preposterous."

771
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:16,680
People, it went from being
one of the best nights ever in my life

772
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,720
to one of the worst nights ever
in my life.

773
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:23,680
Don't get me wrong. I could pay for it,
but at the same time, I was thinking.

774
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:28,280
I was like, "Wow, is this a downward
spiral of how my life's gonna turn out?"

775
00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:31,120
Just going from being in Hollywood,
doing premium shows,

776
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,720
have your own show, win the BAFTA,
then before you know it,

777
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:37,800
like, I'm just on, like,
Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away!

778
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:41,080
I'm not presenting it.
I'm on the program, bruv.

779
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:44,760
I thought, wow.

780
00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:47,360
Do you know what?
Listen, I told you I'll be transparent.

781
00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:48,960
Do you know, I thought to myself,

782
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:52,000
"I know how I'll get this money back."
I said, "Do you know what? Flip it."

783
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,440
"I'm gonna do an OnlyFans tomorrow."
I said this in my head.

784
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:57,440
I said, "I'll make the money back
in 24 hours."

785
00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:59,120
Listen, I wouldn't waste any time.

786
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:03,240
I'll be like, "Let's go to it. Fuck it.
Bumhole Wednesdays. Let's get these tips."

787
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:08,800
I thought, "Oh my God,
this is the stupidest thing

788
00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:12,280
I've ever done in my whole entire life."

789
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:14,080
Then I thought to myself,
"It's all right."

790
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:15,040
I ain't paid yet.

791
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:18,320
Remember, I gave my credit card
and my ID to the manager.

792
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:21,280
Then my phone vibrates. Zzz!
So I'm thinking, "Rah, what's that?"

793
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,160
Is it Mum texting me
to see if I'm all right?

794
00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:26,080
People, I look at my phone,
the transaction went through.

795
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:27,840
They swiped the transaction.

796
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:30,280
Listen, I started questioning
the whole banking system.

797
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,160
Like, "Are you having a bloody laugh?"

798
00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:35,360
How did you lot let this one slip
through the fraud detection service

799
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:36,760
while I'm abroad?

800
00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:40,000
You can't give me
a one-time password or nothing.

801
00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:44,240
But yeah, what, if I'm in the pound shop
buying some bleach and some biscuits,

802
00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:45,920
you wanna embarrass me, ask me questions?

803
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,200
"Is it you? Yes or no? Is it you?"

804
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:49,400
"It's me, man."

805
00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:53,640
Worst night in the history of my life.

806
00:39:53,720 --> 00:39:56,640
Horrible, man. To the point where
I woke up the next morning.

807
00:39:56,720 --> 00:39:59,920
All my friends were like, "Bro, listen,
we're sorry to wake you, yeah?"

808
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:03,000
"But we just wanna say thank you so much."

809
00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:05,240
I said, "You don't--"
He's like, "Nah, bro."

810
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,360
"I don't think you realize, bro."

811
00:40:07,440 --> 00:40:11,440
"Last night was one of the greatest nights
ever in my life."

812
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:13,040
I said, "But, bro, you got kids."

813
00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:15,360
"Bruv, fuck them kids. I don't like them."

814
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:18,720
"Secretly, the youngest one,
that one's evil."

815
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:20,360
"I don't really like them like that."

816
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:24,000
"But listen, as your friends,
we just wanted to wake you up."

817
00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:26,040
"We understand. We know about the bill."

818
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:29,240
"But we just wanted to say, 'Bro,
we're never gonna live this life again.'"

819
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:31,080
"So as your real friends,

820
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:33,720
we just wanted to wake you up
and say thank you, Mo Gilligan."

821
00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:35,520
"We really appreciate that."

822
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:39,080
And I can't lie, people. I had this lovely
heart-to-heart with my friends, you know?

823
00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:40,560
'Cause that's what you do it for.

824
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:44,120
Money comes and goes, but friends
are the family that you choose forever.

825
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:45,720
And then-- Yeah, it's true.

826
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,520
No, listen, man,
don't ever give up on your friends.

827
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:50,680
It's a family that you pick forever, man.

828
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:54,320
One of the guys was like, "Listen,
I know something that will cheer you up."

829
00:40:54,400 --> 00:40:57,600
"Me and the guys chipped in, though.
And check this out. Listen."

830
00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:00,120
"We just got you a little coffee
and a muffin, innit?"

831
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:09,640
People, I swear on my life,

832
00:41:09,720 --> 00:41:11,680
I genuinely looked at my friends like,
"Know what?"

833
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:15,680
"Hope your plane crashes on the way home.
Do you think this is enough?"

834
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:18,760
It was at a different time in my life.

835
00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:21,120
During this time… This was
about three-and-a-half years ago.

836
00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:22,360
I was single, right?

837
00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,640
I didn't enjoy being single, people.

838
00:41:24,720 --> 00:41:27,560
But I had to go to this wedding.
I'm at this wedding by myself.

839
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:30,960
But you know what it's like, guys.
We're able to box up how we feel.

840
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,320
You know, you start seeing
all this romance.

841
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:35,040
Guys don't care about this stuff, yeah?

842
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:38,360
There's two types of romance.
You've got those new couples, yeah?

843
00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:40,880
Start rubbing each other's noses
and stuff like that.

844
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:41,800
"Hmm. Yeah."

845
00:41:45,720 --> 00:41:47,920
She's all excited.
"This will be us one day."

846
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:51,680
"I'm gonna catch the bouquet."

847
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:56,440
And you got couples that got
some years in the game, yeah?

848
00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:59,960
All they're thinking about is,
"Hey, when we go home, yeah,

849
00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:01,680
let's just sleep."

850
00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:03,920
"That's all we wanna do is sleep."

851
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:06,040
That's all you care about, right?

852
00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:09,840
I feel like women like romance
probably a lot more than men like romance.

853
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:12,400
And I don't wanna generalize
and say all women are the same,

854
00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:14,320
but women do like a bit of romance, man.

855
00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:17,440
There's a single woman by herself.
She's crying, yeah?

856
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:20,280
She didn't even know she's crying.
A tear just popped out of her eyes.

857
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:21,600
Do you know that happens, men?

858
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:23,720
A tear will just come out unannounced.
Just…

859
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:25,360
It just roll down her face, yeah?

860
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:26,280
She notices it.

861
00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:29,200
She goes, "Oh, no, no, no,
not today, not today."

862
00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:31,480
"No, I am strong."
She'll put out positive affirmations.

863
00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:34,600
"I am strong. I am cool.
I am kind. No. No."

864
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,520
"Where's my crystal?
Where's my quartz? Where is it?"

865
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:43,320
But you know what women do that
I think is absolutely beautiful, right?

866
00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:45,480
Women look out for other women.

867
00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:47,560
Women, don't ever stop doing this.

868
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,280
This is a beautiful thing
that you do, you know.

869
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:53,480
Two women are on the dance floor, right?

870
00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:55,720
They notice this poor woman crying, yeah?

871
00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,960
They're having the time of their life,
but they can't help but notice.

872
00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:01,640
They're dancing,
they'll be like, "Hey, babes. Hey, babes."

873
00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:03,880
"Listen, don't be bait, yeah?"

874
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:08,040
"But you see that girl, yeah?
To your left, yeah? She's crying."

875
00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:09,400
"Are you serious?"

876
00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:12,280
"Yeah, yeah. Don't be bait,
don't be bait, don't be bait."

877
00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:14,120
"Now, let me not look. Let me not look."

878
00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:15,680
"I'm not gonna look."

879
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:18,360
"Oh my gosh. Shit.
I'm gonna say something."

880
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:20,720
And she will. She'll go over there.
Women will pretend.

881
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:22,960
You guys are so obvious.
You guys will be like…

882
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,600
"Oh my gosh.
Shut the front door on Tuesday."

883
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:32,480
"Wait, there's no way, like,
a queen like you is crying."

884
00:43:32,560 --> 00:43:36,000
"No. Sorry, darling,
not in that Oh Polly dress.

885
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:37,800
"'Cause I've been trying to get that one."

886
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:40,840
"No way. Listen, babes.
Don't you cry. Don't you cry."

887
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:44,080
"Not very demure. Not very mindful.
Come here, babes. Don't you cry."

888
00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:46,920
They'll introduce her
to all the rest of the girls.

889
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:50,680
All these women will huddle around her.
They'll wipe the tears off her face.

890
00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:51,920
"Guys, don't you cry."

891
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,520
"Listen, don't you cry,
'cause you're beautiful, yeah?"

892
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:57,000
"We've all been there.
Listen, Chantel's been there."

893
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:59,120
"Haven't you, Chantel?"

894
00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:01,520
Chantel's like,
"What do you mean I've been there?"

895
00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:02,840
"What you talking about?"

896
00:44:02,920 --> 00:44:05,760
Listen, some women
will throw their friend under the bus

897
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:09,280
for emotional support
for people they don't know, you know?

898
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,920
"Listen, okay, long story short,
you don't know her,

899
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:15,560
but basically her baby father's
in prison for armed robbery and GBH."

900
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:17,240
"Isn't that right, Chantel?"

901
00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:19,720
Chantel's like, "Why you telling
this girl all my business?"

902
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:21,440
"What's wrong with you?"

903
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:24,080
"Listen, it's okay.
It's on 24 Hours in Police Custody."

904
00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:26,840
"We all know. Don't worry about it, babes.
Listen, don't you cry."

905
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:28,440
"Don't you cry, yeah?"

906
00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:30,720
"Quick, quick, Claire.
Give me your lipstick, yeah?"

907
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:32,720
Tight Claire,
"Nah, not my Charlotte Tilbury."

908
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:36,280
"Give me your fucking Charlotte Tilbury.
Don't you cry. Do you know why?"

909
00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:37,760
And let me tell you something, guys.

910
00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:41,440
Women have inspirational quotes
ready to go. Yeah.

911
00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:42,960
At the drop of a hat.

912
00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:44,960
This one is their favorite, yeah?

913
00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:48,240
This is their 90th-minute winner.
This is the one that women love, yeah?

914
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:51,880
"Listen. Listen, babes.
Don't you cry. Don't you cry, yeah?"

915
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:52,920
This poor girl…

916
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:54,600
"Why? Why?"

917
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:57,400
"Don't you cry.
Do you know why? Do you know why?"

918
00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:01,640
"Because you're letting him win.
Don't you let him win!"

919
00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:06,680
Lookit. Look at all these witches.

920
00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:08,720
"Yeah, I've used that one.
I've used that one."

921
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:12,160
"Don't let him win. He's always gonna win.
Don't let him win."

922
00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:14,960
It's like a Loose Women
convention in here, innit?

923
00:45:17,320 --> 00:45:21,000
Men, we don't do none of that stuff.
We ain't there for no emotional support.

924
00:45:21,080 --> 00:45:24,120
Let me tell you something.
Men, we mind our business.

925
00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:26,760
We are professional mind businesses, yeah?

926
00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:30,760
There could be a man in this venue,
in the toilets, right now

927
00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:33,320
crying his eyes out over heartbreak, yeah?

928
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:35,000
I'm talking he's really crying.

929
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:38,960
"I can't believe--
I can't believe she… she would do me--"

930
00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:40,960
"Why? Why?"

931
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:42,640
"Why? Why? Why?"

932
00:45:42,720 --> 00:45:48,160
Listen, every man would be
in them toilets, minding our business.

933
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:51,120
Just washing the shit out of our hands.

934
00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:54,160
Trying to find out what's happened, innit?
Every man just…

935
00:46:20,480 --> 00:46:21,680
"Poor fucking cunt."

936
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:22,720
"Fucking hell."

937
00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:29,800
We'll even tell some of the guys,
won't we, guys?

938
00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:31,320
'Cause guys, we like to gossip.

939
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:35,240
But when this is happening, we can't
be serious. "Hey, bro. Hey, listen."

940
00:46:35,920 --> 00:46:36,960
"Uh…"

941
00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:41,000
"There's a man in the toilets…"

942
00:46:41,080 --> 00:46:42,560
"Uh…"

943
00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:47,240
"Nah, nah, nah, I shouldn't laugh.
It's serious."

944
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:49,120
"Why? What's going on, bruv? Just say."

945
00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:51,960
"There's a-- There…"

946
00:46:53,160 --> 00:46:56,080
"There's a man in the toilets, crying.
Swear down." Yeah?

947
00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:59,240
Some guys will have compassion.
"Rah, is it?"

948
00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:02,560
"That's crazy, bruv. Poor guy.
He must be going through it, boy."

949
00:47:03,400 --> 00:47:05,680
There's always that one guy. "Is it?"

950
00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:09,200
"Let me see this, bruv."

951
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:19,840
"Ay, he's crying like some pussio!"

952
00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:21,640
"Wait, wait, what are you doing?"

953
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:25,400
"What you doing, Jerome, man?"

954
00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:30,360
I always believed that women
have their stuff sorted out, right?

955
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:33,360
They've always got their car.
They've got their good job.

956
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:35,000
You know, they've got their house.

957
00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:37,000
All they want now is you, Mr. Right.

958
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:40,560
Let me tell you something. When women
get to this thirties, forties, fifties,

959
00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:42,240
they're not messing around anymore.

960
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:45,360
They know what they're looking for.
They've got their list and their criteria.

961
00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:48,320
They've got their red-flag list.
Don't matter what star sign you are.

962
00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:51,400
"Yeah, Leo. No, not for me.
My ex was Leo. No. Red flag."

963
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:54,080
That's it, yeah?
Just because you were born in that month.

964
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:56,360
"No, it's a red flag. Sorry.
No. Red flag."

965
00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:57,600
Yeah?

966
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:01,800
Then they've got this other list.
Now, women add to this list every day.

967
00:48:01,880 --> 00:48:04,720
Do you know what this is?
The list of icks. Yeah?

968
00:48:06,240 --> 00:48:08,240
I don't know if you're familiar
with what an ick is,

969
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:10,760
but basically, guys,
an ick is something we do

970
00:48:10,840 --> 00:48:12,480
that we don't even know we're doing

971
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:15,640
that just turns her vagina off. Just…

972
00:48:15,720 --> 00:48:19,200
That's it. Pum pum lock off.
You can't get restarted, there's no…

973
00:48:21,560 --> 00:48:23,920
That's it.
It's closed for today. That's it.

974
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:28,400
Yeah? Let me tell you something, guys.
Anything you do can be an ick. Yeah?

975
00:48:28,480 --> 00:48:30,200
I don't think you realize.
Try it. You know?

976
00:48:30,280 --> 00:48:32,040
If you go on a date, just ask a girl.

977
00:48:32,120 --> 00:48:34,040
They'll tell you the most random things.

978
00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:36,160
Women will go into great depths.
They'll tell you.

979
00:48:36,240 --> 00:48:38,280
"Yeah. Like, you know
when you meet a guy?"

980
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:39,920
"Yeah?" "Like, what? Go for it."

981
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:43,560
"Yeah? And let's say you go Ping-Pong
with him, yeah? Yeah? Go Ping-Pong."

982
00:48:43,640 --> 00:48:45,440
I'm like, "All right.
Where's the ick in this?"

983
00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:47,280
You know, men, we love Ping-Pong, yeah?

984
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:50,480
I grew up in the youth-club system.
I love Ping-Pong. You know?

985
00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:53,680
They're like, "No. But it's what happens
during the Ping-Pong."

986
00:48:53,760 --> 00:48:55,000
Where's the ick in this?

987
00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:57,280
This one girl once said to me,
"I'll tell you an ick."

988
00:48:57,360 --> 00:48:59,840
"A man chasing a Ping-Pong ball. Just…"

989
00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:03,320
Uh, uh, uh…

990
00:49:03,400 --> 00:49:04,680
"Oh wait, wait."

991
00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:10,480
"Found it."

992
00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:13,480
Ladies, can I ask you tonight,
is… is that an ick? Is that an ick?

993
00:49:13,560 --> 00:49:15,240
Yeah!

994
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:17,840
Look at you scumbags.
You didn't even know it's an ick.

995
00:49:17,920 --> 00:49:19,720
It's an ick now. Write that one down.

996
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:21,520
"Chasing a Ping-Pong ball."

997
00:49:22,520 --> 00:49:25,280
They'll tell you icks
you didn't even think that was an ick.

998
00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:27,720
They'll make you change
your whole life. Yeah?

999
00:49:27,800 --> 00:49:31,320
They'll be like, "Remember when we was
getting ready and we came to see Mo?"

1000
00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:33,800
"What'd you do when you got changed?"
"I don't know."

1001
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:36,480
"I got out of the shower
and then I put on my clothes."

1002
00:49:36,560 --> 00:49:39,560
"No, no, no, you didn't just do that.
What did you put on first?"

1003
00:49:39,640 --> 00:49:41,840
"Um, I don't know.
I got out of the shower."

1004
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:43,760
"You know what you've done?"
"What did I do?"

1005
00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:47,800
"You put your T-shirt on
before your boxers. Yeah, yeah?"

1006
00:49:47,880 --> 00:49:50,480
Is it? This is called
a Winnie-the-Pooh, apparently.

1007
00:49:51,960 --> 00:49:53,320
Women, is that an ick?

1008
00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:55,840
A man who puts a T-shirt on
before the boxers?

1009
00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:58,760
Look at all the women with their hands up.

1010
00:49:58,840 --> 00:50:01,240
Every man just had
his bum cheeks hanging out.

1011
00:50:01,840 --> 00:50:03,880
Just got your little willy just… Brr!

1012
00:50:06,600 --> 00:50:09,160
Nah, I believe that women have icks
because deep down,

1013
00:50:09,240 --> 00:50:12,160
they're just trying to find
the small things they love about you.

1014
00:50:12,240 --> 00:50:15,000
I have this theory, people.
I have this theory when it comes to love.

1015
00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:18,480
I have this theory, which I believe
is called the three Ls, right?

1016
00:50:18,560 --> 00:50:19,800
Hear me out on this, right?

1017
00:50:19,880 --> 00:50:22,800
The first L
is the first one itself, is love.

1018
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:25,280
The second one is listening.

1019
00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:27,840
If you're gonna be with someone,
you have to listen to them.

1020
00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:31,360
You know what it's like, guys.
Your favorite team has just lost, right?

1021
00:50:31,440 --> 00:50:35,240
That ruined your whole weekend.
You're like, "Oh, man, this is a joke."

1022
00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:37,040
"How did we lose this one, man?"

1023
00:50:37,120 --> 00:50:40,480
Women, don't do that thing.
Don't do that whole, "We?"

1024
00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:43,240
"We?"

1025
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:47,280
"But when would you start playing? 'We?'"

1026
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:51,320
You're like, "Babes, please,
not right now. Not right now."

1027
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:54,160
"It's all right. It's okay."

1028
00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:57,040
"It's just a game."

1029
00:50:59,240 --> 00:51:01,840
"It's not a fucking game, is it?
It's my life, Sharon!"

1030
00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:03,880
"I've got nothing!"

1031
00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:08,440
"It's all right. You've got me."

1032
00:51:08,520 --> 00:51:09,880
"I don't fucking want you!"

1033
00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:14,240
"You can't play up front, can you?"

1034
00:51:19,240 --> 00:51:23,040
And the last L is the most important,
right? That's loyalty.

1035
00:51:23,120 --> 00:51:25,720
Be loyal to the person
that you're with, you know?

1036
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:28,680
See loads of couples in the house.
Just be loyal, man.

1037
00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:31,600
Don't get me wrong. There's
the old-fashioned sense of loyalty,

1038
00:51:31,680 --> 00:51:33,840
"till death do us part"
and all that stuff,

1039
00:51:33,920 --> 00:51:36,880
but there's also loyalty
exclusive to your relationship.

1040
00:51:36,960 --> 00:51:40,080
Things that you do
that other people don't understand, right?

1041
00:51:40,160 --> 00:51:41,760
And it's random things.

1042
00:51:41,840 --> 00:51:44,040
You know, like picking
your favorite TV to watch.

1043
00:51:44,120 --> 00:51:46,400
You go on Netflix. "What should we watch?"

1044
00:51:46,480 --> 00:51:48,120
You see something, Stranger Things,

1045
00:51:48,200 --> 00:51:50,360
Adolescence, Top Boy,
Supacell, I don't know.

1046
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:51,760
Your lady sees something,

1047
00:51:51,840 --> 00:51:54,080
she says,
"Babes, everyone's talking about that."

1048
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:57,960
"We've gotta watch that, yeah?"
That's the loyalty. You've locked it in.

1049
00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:00,480
"We're gonna watch that.
Not now, but we're gonna."

1050
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:02,400
That's where the loyalty starts, right?

1051
00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:05,240
That means, my guy,
you can't watch it somewhere else,

1052
00:52:05,320 --> 00:52:07,200
and you can't watch it somewhere else.

1053
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:10,560
That is the loyalty
that you've agreed upon, right?

1054
00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:13,520
Now, most men like to be a protector.

1055
00:52:13,600 --> 00:52:16,320
So being a protector,
you wanna show you can be a provider.

1056
00:52:16,400 --> 00:52:18,960
Being a provider
shows you wanna be in control, right?

1057
00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:21,240
So, what do we like, guys?
We like the remote control.

1058
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:24,520
We just like to be able to rewind
and fast-forward and pause.

1059
00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:26,600
That's our thing.
We want the remote control.

1060
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:28,280
Now, ladies, they like their thing.

1061
00:52:28,360 --> 00:52:30,600
Ladies feel safe in your presence, right?

1062
00:52:30,680 --> 00:52:32,920
They can unwind.
What do they wanna unwind with?

1063
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:34,640
A glass of wine, right?

1064
00:52:34,720 --> 00:52:38,160
So they go, "Wait, before we press play,
I'm just gonna have a quick glass."

1065
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:40,320
"Just a quick one, yeah?
Just a little one, yeah?"

1066
00:52:43,920 --> 00:52:46,400
"Just a little one.
Just a little one, right?"

1067
00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:49,240
So you find your program
that you're gonna watch.

1068
00:52:49,320 --> 00:52:51,520
You're cuddled in,
and that's it, you press play.

1069
00:52:51,600 --> 00:52:53,520
Bow, you're in, yeah?

1070
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:56,000
You're in.
You're watching your program, yeah?

1071
00:52:56,880 --> 00:53:01,720
Ten minutes in, it gets a bit quiet,
doesn't it, guys? Yeah? Yeah?

1072
00:53:01,800 --> 00:53:04,040
Fifteen minutes in, yeah,

1073
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:06,480
Sleeping Beauty over here…

1074
00:53:08,880 --> 00:53:11,520
…has fallen asleep, yeah?

1075
00:53:11,600 --> 00:53:13,400
Not because she started work early

1076
00:53:13,480 --> 00:53:16,000
or because she had a long day
and maybe went to the gym.

1077
00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:17,440
You know why she fell asleep?

1078
00:53:17,520 --> 00:53:20,880
Because she just drunk
a pint of wine in five minutes.

1079
00:53:21,480 --> 00:53:22,600
She's out.

1080
00:53:22,680 --> 00:53:26,200
Now we gotta watch this film that
we planned to go and watch together

1081
00:53:26,280 --> 00:53:27,280
by ourselves.

1082
00:53:27,360 --> 00:53:29,200
And that's where
the loyalty comes in, guys.

1083
00:53:29,280 --> 00:53:30,960
You say, "We did plan
to watch it together."

1084
00:53:31,040 --> 00:53:34,240
Now we're left by ourselves.
And we watch this film, don't we, guys?

1085
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:37,640
"I'll have one. I'll have a cheeky one.
I'll watch one episode."

1086
00:53:37,720 --> 00:53:40,160
We start watching it, yeah?
30 minutes goes by.

1087
00:53:40,240 --> 00:53:42,320
We're really enjoying ourselves,
guys, aren't we?

1088
00:53:42,400 --> 00:53:45,080
Do you know why we're enjoying
ourselves, women? I'll tell you why.

1089
00:53:45,160 --> 00:53:48,960
'Cause no one is asking us
any flipping questions

1090
00:53:49,040 --> 00:53:50,960
about what is going on.

1091
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:54,400
"Who's that man? Why did he kill him?
Can you rewind? Is it Antonio Banderas?"

1092
00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:56,040
"What's he doing here?
I'm gonna Google it."

1093
00:53:56,120 --> 00:53:57,680
"Can you pause it? Who's that man?"

1094
00:53:57,760 --> 00:54:01,280
"Babes, I've never seen this before
in my life. I've never seen it before."

1095
00:54:01,360 --> 00:54:04,160
"All right. I'm just asking a question.
Why are you so rude?"

1096
00:54:04,240 --> 00:54:06,040
"Very rude."

1097
00:54:06,600 --> 00:54:07,720
"Gosh."

1098
00:54:08,520 --> 00:54:10,920
None of this is happening.

1099
00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:13,680
So you carry on
watching this program, right?

1100
00:54:13,760 --> 00:54:17,120
And then Netflix
will test your loyalty, right?

1101
00:54:17,200 --> 00:54:19,520
'Cause Netflix will say, "Yo."

1102
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:22,040
"Oi, listen up, yeah?"

1103
00:54:23,080 --> 00:54:25,000
"The credits are about to roll."

1104
00:54:25,520 --> 00:54:29,600
"But listen, I've got
another episode cooking up

1105
00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:34,880
in five, four, three, two…"

1106
00:54:34,960 --> 00:54:36,520
"What do you wanna do?"

1107
00:54:39,320 --> 00:54:41,440
"Fuck that bitch. Episode two!"

1108
00:54:42,480 --> 00:54:43,520
Episode two!

1109
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:46,600
We know we shouldn't be
watching episode two.

1110
00:54:46,680 --> 00:54:49,000
This is blasphemy within the relationship.

1111
00:54:49,080 --> 00:54:51,920
You shouldn't watch it,
but you start enjoying episode two.

1112
00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:54,880
But what happens?
Sleeping Beauty wakes up, yeah?

1113
00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:56,560
But, women, you don't just wake up.

1114
00:54:56,640 --> 00:54:59,920
It's like some spirit has told you
in your dream, yeah,

1115
00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:02,160
"He's doing something wrong."

1116
00:55:02,760 --> 00:55:04,680
And you women wake up out of your sleep…

1117
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,880
They pause it. They look at their phone.
It's always the same time.

1118
00:55:10,960 --> 00:55:13,600
"11:11, 11:11!"

1119
00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:19,080
"The angels told me.
Where's my crystal? Where's my crystal?"

1120
00:55:19,160 --> 00:55:20,920
"Wait, hold on. Episode two?"

1121
00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:22,720
"Are you on episode two?"

1122
00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:25,320
"Oh my gosh.
I can't believe you would do that."

1123
00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:28,000
Women start exaggerating.
"I can't believe you'd do that."

1124
00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:30,800
"Only fell asleep for what, five minutes."

1125
00:55:32,360 --> 00:55:33,880
'Cause love is the best thing, man.

1126
00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:37,200
The love you have for your partner,
the love you have for your family.

1127
00:55:37,280 --> 00:55:39,760
That's why I do all of this, man.
Do it for my family.

1128
00:55:39,840 --> 00:55:43,360
And I'm now lucky enough to be
in a position to just do other stuff.

1129
00:55:43,440 --> 00:55:46,120
Recently, you know,
one of my dreams came true, you know.

1130
00:55:46,200 --> 00:55:49,040
One of the biggest publishers
in the world was like, "Mo, listen."

1131
00:55:49,120 --> 00:55:50,880
"We love your comedy, right?"

1132
00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:53,760
"And we'd love it
if you could write a children's book."

1133
00:55:53,840 --> 00:55:56,120
"We'll give you 12 months,
a little advance,

1134
00:55:56,200 --> 00:55:58,400
and you find the best book
you wanna write."

1135
00:55:58,480 --> 00:56:02,240
And then, people-- As I said, I'll be
very truthful during this show, right?

1136
00:56:02,320 --> 00:56:04,000
And 12 months goes past.

1137
00:56:04,080 --> 00:56:06,120
Right? I get an email
at 10:00 in the morning.

1138
00:56:06,200 --> 00:56:10,240
It said, "Mo, hey, I hope you're well.
Can you jump on the Zoom?"

1139
00:56:10,320 --> 00:56:12,480
"We're gonna go through the book." Right?

1140
00:56:12,560 --> 00:56:15,560
I thought, "What? Oh my gosh."
I totally forgot about this book, right?

1141
00:56:15,640 --> 00:56:17,000
I run downstairs.

1142
00:56:17,080 --> 00:56:21,040
I go to my kitchen, open up the Zoom
in my dressing gown and my pajamas.

1143
00:56:21,120 --> 00:56:24,760
It was 30 people on a Zoom call, right?

1144
00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:27,080
Everyone from this
publishing company, right?

1145
00:56:27,160 --> 00:56:30,400
They was like, "Hey, Mo, how's it going?
It's been so long."

1146
00:56:30,480 --> 00:56:33,160
"So how are you getting along
with the book? "

1147
00:56:33,240 --> 00:56:35,680
I thought,
"Oh my God, I completely forgot."

1148
00:56:35,760 --> 00:56:38,640
Now, I thought, "You know what?
I can't waste these people's time."

1149
00:56:38,720 --> 00:56:41,440
"So listen, thank you so much
for this opportunity,

1150
00:56:41,520 --> 00:56:43,480
but unfortunately, this isn't for me."

1151
00:56:43,560 --> 00:56:44,400
They said, "Why?"

1152
00:56:44,480 --> 00:56:46,000
"Mo, what's happened?"

1153
00:56:46,080 --> 00:56:48,520
I said, "Listen,
I've not come up with any ideas."

1154
00:56:48,600 --> 00:56:51,560
These people said to me,
"No, Mo, listen, check this out."

1155
00:56:51,640 --> 00:56:54,720
"We've got an idea.
We love your nursery rhymes, yeah?"

1156
00:56:54,800 --> 00:56:56,960
"Your Rastafarian nursery rhymes, yeah?"

1157
00:56:57,960 --> 00:57:00,720
"How about this for an idea?
You could do fairy tales."

1158
00:57:00,800 --> 00:57:03,480
"Yeah, yeah. You could do
'The Little Red Riding Hood.'"

1159
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:07,280
"Yeah. You could do, I don't know,
'Goldilocks,' 'The Gingerbread Man.'"

1160
00:57:07,360 --> 00:57:10,520
"You could do 'Jack and the Beanstalk.'
'Cause it's copyright-free."

1161
00:57:10,600 --> 00:57:12,240
"How about that? But--"

1162
00:57:12,320 --> 00:57:15,000
"But with a Jamaican reggae twist."

1163
00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:19,720
I said, "What in the Turtle Bay
is going on here?"

1164
00:57:23,160 --> 00:57:24,360
The lady on the Zoom goes,

1165
00:57:24,440 --> 00:57:28,160
"Okay, what about if you performed
a little bit for us in your kitchen?"

1166
00:57:28,240 --> 00:57:30,920
"We can get the ghostwriter, Tony,
involved, yeah?"

1167
00:57:31,000 --> 00:57:33,800
There was one Black guy called Tony.
"We can get him involved."

1168
00:57:33,880 --> 00:57:36,960
"How about that? Yeah? He's from
where you're from. How about that?"

1169
00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:40,160
I said, "Listen, thank you so much,
but listen, it doesn't feel ethical."

1170
00:57:40,240 --> 00:57:43,640
"I don't wanna feel like
I'm selling out my culture for the bag."

1171
00:57:43,720 --> 00:57:47,320
They said, "Ah, Mo, such a shame."

1172
00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:50,560
"Why? 'Cause I'm not a corporate puppet?
I'm not gonna do what you want me to?"

1173
00:57:50,640 --> 00:57:52,280
They said, "No, Mo."

1174
00:57:52,360 --> 00:57:54,520
"You know, a book like this,
you'd own the IP,

1175
00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:56,760
and most importantly,
we could pay you a bit of money."

1176
00:57:56,840 --> 00:58:01,400
"Not much, but we could pay you,
I don't know, like £300,000."

1177
00:58:05,840 --> 00:58:07,000
So,

1178
00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:11,480
this is the book I performed
in my kitchen.

1179
00:58:11,560 --> 00:58:12,960
Run the track, please.

1180
00:58:14,760 --> 00:58:16,000
Yo, wha mi tell dem

1181
00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:17,040
Yo, wha mi tell dem

1182
00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:18,640
Yo, wha mi tell dem

1183
00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:21,400
Yo, this is a story from my hood

1184
00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:23,760
About this young girl
Named Red Riding Hood

1185
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:26,760
She just got a call
They said come quick

1186
00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:29,040
Your grandmother's ill
And she's moving sick

1187
00:58:29,120 --> 00:58:31,720
So she moves so she grooves
So she's moving quick

1188
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,240
She moves and she grooves
So she's moving sick

1189
00:58:34,320 --> 00:58:37,120
Ay, she sees the wolf
In her grandmother's clothing

1190
00:58:37,200 --> 00:58:39,800
She grab a knife
She nah really know him

1191
00:58:39,880 --> 00:58:42,600
The next girl, she need ah box

1192
00:58:42,680 --> 00:58:44,880
Go by the name of Goldilocks

1193
00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:47,800
Enter the house, eat up the porridge

1194
00:58:47,880 --> 00:58:50,400
Steal up the wisdom
Take all their knowledge

1195
00:58:50,480 --> 00:58:53,000
But no, she's not ending there

1196
00:58:53,080 --> 00:58:55,520
She sleeps in the bed
She nah live there

1197
00:58:55,600 --> 00:58:58,160
She sleeps in the bed
She leave blonde hair

1198
00:58:58,240 --> 00:59:00,800
She sleeps in the bed
And bed bugs in there

1199
00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:03,520
Ginger, it's a gingerbread man

1200
00:59:03,600 --> 00:59:06,280
Sweet and nice
But the gingerbread man

1201
00:59:06,360 --> 00:59:08,720
Them nah know for the gingerbread man

1202
00:59:08,800 --> 00:59:10,880
Sweet and nice for the gingerbread man

1203
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:14,080
Yo! Gingerbread
They wanna kill him and shoot him

1204
00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:16,760
Gingerbread
They wanna kill him and shoot him

1205
00:59:16,840 --> 00:59:19,200
Gingerbread
They wanna kill him and shoot him

1206
00:59:19,280 --> 00:59:21,840
Him have the nuts
And the small piece of gluten

1207
00:59:21,920 --> 00:59:23,920
Gingerbread contains no eggs

1208
00:59:24,000 --> 00:59:26,520
Mi seh gingerbread contains no eggs

1209
00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:29,080
Mi seh gingerbread contains no eggs

1210
00:59:29,160 --> 00:59:31,920
But you can't find gingerbread
Inside Greggs

1211
00:59:32,520 --> 00:59:35,920
So right now, people, I'm on the Zoom.
It's going great.

1212
00:59:36,000 --> 00:59:39,480
We got middle-class white ladies
losing their minds. Yeah?

1213
00:59:39,560 --> 00:59:41,520
They're like, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"

1214
00:59:41,600 --> 00:59:44,440
"It's like Notting Hill in here.
What the bloodfire?"

1215
00:59:45,600 --> 00:59:47,160
I knew I was doing well

1216
00:59:47,240 --> 00:59:50,160
'cause Tony the ghostwriter,
the Black guy, he lost it.

1217
00:59:50,240 --> 00:59:54,040
He went from code-switch to real yardie.
"Ah wah di bloodfire yuh deal wid?"

1218
00:59:54,120 --> 00:59:56,000
People, I lost myself.

1219
00:59:56,080 --> 01:00:00,160
I lost myself to the point where
I forgot it was for a children's book

1220
01:00:00,240 --> 01:00:02,720
when I done my verse
of "Jack and the Beanstalk," people.

1221
01:00:02,800 --> 01:00:03,880
Yeah. Run the track, please.

1222
01:00:03,960 --> 01:00:05,440
Yo, wha mi tell dem

1223
01:00:05,520 --> 01:00:07,280
Yo, wha mi tell dem, yo

1224
01:00:07,360 --> 01:00:08,640
Let me get handclaps.

1225
01:00:08,720 --> 01:00:10,280
Yo, yo, wha mi tell dem

1226
01:00:10,360 --> 01:00:11,920
Yo, wha mi tell dem

1227
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,160
Yo, wha mi tell dem

1228
01:00:13,240 --> 01:00:14,360
Yo, wha mi tell dem

1229
01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:16,920
Him have the beans, him sell the cow

1230
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:19,040
Climb up the beanstalk
The boss said, "How?"

1231
01:00:19,120 --> 01:00:21,600
Mi seh, "Fee, fi, fo" and then "fum"

1232
01:00:21,680 --> 01:00:24,360
Mi seh, "Fee, fi, fo" and then "fum"

1233
01:00:24,440 --> 01:00:27,440
Mi seh, "Fee, fi, fo" and then "fum"

1234
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:30,240
I am Jack, and you can suck your mum!

1235
01:00:32,280 --> 01:00:34,640
London, that is my time.

1236
01:00:34,720 --> 01:00:36,160
Thank you lot so much.

1237
01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:38,680
God bless you.

1238
01:00:39,840 --> 01:00:40,800
Thank you so much.

1239
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:45,640
When I say South, you say London.

1240
01:00:45,720 --> 01:00:46,960
-South!
-London!

1241
01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:48,360
-South!
-London!

1242
01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:50,720
When I say Mo, you say Gilligan.

1243
01:00:50,800 --> 01:00:52,200
-Mo!
-Gilligan!

1244
01:00:52,280 --> 01:00:53,600
-Mo!
-Gilligan!

1245
01:00:53,680 --> 01:00:56,120
When I say Mo, you say Gilligan.

1246
01:00:56,200 --> 01:00:57,360
-Mo!
-Gilligan!

1247
01:00:57,440 --> 01:00:58,840
-Mo!
-Gilligan!

1248
01:00:58,920 --> 01:01:02,480
Thank you. That is my time.
Take care. God bless.

1249
01:01:02,560 --> 01:01:04,160
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.

1250
01:01:43,520 --> 01:01:44,760
Hey!