1 00:00:00,272 --> 00:00:02,769 [Music and Cheering] 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 3 00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:09,917 -Bronx, New York, I want you to show love to Jackie Fabulous! 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 5 00:00:10,017 --> 00:00:11,521 [Cheering] 6 00:00:19,504 --> 00:00:22,131 -What's up, New York? 7 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:23,267 [Cheering] 8 00:00:25,906 --> 00:00:28,211 How many of you took an Uber here? 9 00:00:28,512 --> 00:00:29,514 Uber or Lyft? 10 00:00:29,914 --> 00:00:33,655 I'm going broke because I refuse to get on the subway. 11 00:00:34,824 --> 00:00:36,327 I Lyft or Uber everywhere. 12 00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:38,130 I used to be a subway girl. 13 00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:41,571 Back in the day, be on there 4 AM with no problem. 14 00:00:42,004 --> 00:00:44,443 I stopped because the subway's now the purge. 15 00:00:44,543 --> 00:00:45,746 [Laughter] 16 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:47,483 And I'm scared. 17 00:00:47,583 --> 00:00:50,589 I lived in LA for like 20 years, 18 00:00:50,689 --> 00:00:52,626 and when I moved back to New York in 2019, 19 00:00:52,726 --> 00:00:54,263 I had to relearn New York. 20 00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:55,933 I'm like, "Who's the mayor?"” 21 00:00:56,267 --> 00:01:00,509 Some bald, black dude named Eric who wears more jewelry than I do. 22 00:01:00,609 --> 00:01:01,844 I don't know who this nigga is. 23 00:01:01,944 --> 00:01:02,946 [Laughter] 24 00:01:04,115 --> 00:01:05,819 And he was gonna fix the crime, right? 25 00:01:05,919 --> 00:01:09,427 And NewYorkPost.com had a quote from the mayor, 26 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:10,862 how he was gonna fix all the crime. 27 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:14,870 Quote, no LOL, no happy face, he really said this. 28 00:01:15,337 --> 00:01:20,716 He said, "There'll be no more sleeping on the subway. 29 00:01:20,816 --> 00:01:24,356 There'll be no more smoking on the subway. 30 00:01:24,924 --> 00:01:28,932 There'll be no more doing drugs on the subway."” 31 00:01:29,032 --> 00:01:30,034 [Laughter] 32 00:01:31,872 --> 00:01:33,609 Then he said, "There'll be no more 33 00:01:33,775 --> 00:01:36,547 doing barbecues on the subway."” 34 00:01:36,647 --> 00:01:39,754 Who in the fuck is barbecuing on the subway? 35 00:01:40,121 --> 00:01:41,123 Show yourselves. 36 00:01:43,260 --> 00:01:45,364 And Mr. Mayor, is that why you decided 37 00:01:45,465 --> 00:01:46,801 to have a plan to fix the crime? 38 00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:48,739 Like all the people getting thrown off the platform 39 00:01:48,939 --> 00:01:51,210 and getting robbed, he's like, "Whatever. 40 00:01:51,310 --> 00:01:52,546 Is that bitch making brisket? 41 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:53,848 [Laughter] 42 00:01:54,517 --> 00:01:55,719 How dare she."” 43 00:01:59,058 --> 00:02:03,435 I am born and raised in Bronx, New York, and yeah, BX all day. 44 00:02:03,535 --> 00:02:04,870 [Cheering & Applause] 45 00:02:05,104 --> 00:02:07,810 And you don't really know until you travel. 46 00:02:08,277 --> 00:02:10,649 Like, I'm born and raised in Bronx, New York, 47 00:02:10,749 --> 00:02:12,820 but my side chick is California. 48 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:14,022 I love it out there, you know? 49 00:02:14,356 --> 00:02:15,993 But you don't know until you leave New York. 50 00:02:16,093 --> 00:02:19,533 We have a reputation for being very honest, very truthful, 51 00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:21,370 some say rude, right? 52 00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:25,377 And you don't know until you leave New York and go to California 53 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,014 that you might actually be a bitch. 54 00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,116 [Laughter] 55 00:02:29,687 --> 00:02:32,259 It's a different personality out there. 56 00:02:32,359 --> 00:02:34,129 Because California's not about the truth. 57 00:02:34,229 --> 00:02:38,371 California's about horoscopes, and hiking, and kale, and avocado, 58 00:02:38,572 --> 00:02:41,677 and traffic, and Mexican food, and weed. 59 00:02:41,777 --> 00:02:44,483 That's all of California. 60 00:02:44,583 --> 00:02:46,286 I was there for a long time, okay? 61 00:02:47,255 --> 00:02:49,994 And my bitchiness came out because I was volunteering 62 00:02:50,094 --> 00:02:53,635 for an organization in LA, downtown LA, 63 00:02:53,735 --> 00:02:54,737 trying to give back, right? 64 00:02:55,171 --> 00:02:58,545 And my bitchiness came out because some of the unhoused, 65 00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:02,385 the homeless in LA, downtown LA, you know it's really horrible, 66 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,355 some of them have gotten bougie. 67 00:03:05,592 --> 00:03:07,596 You should have standards, but they're a little bit-- 68 00:03:07,696 --> 00:03:08,698 They have headshots and shit. 69 00:03:08,798 --> 00:03:10,001 They get a little bit bougie. 70 00:03:10,836 --> 00:03:13,675 And I was at the Panera Bread station to give food out 71 00:03:13,775 --> 00:03:14,878 to those who needed it. 72 00:03:14,978 --> 00:03:16,480 And the line was down the street, right? 73 00:03:16,581 --> 00:03:18,886 And I'm gonna get my own bag of Panera when this is done 74 00:03:18,986 --> 00:03:20,054 because I'm also hungry. 75 00:03:20,422 --> 00:03:23,828 So, these guys are on the line, and I get my first client. 76 00:03:24,262 --> 00:03:26,968 I give him the bag of Panera Bread, and he opens it up, 77 00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:30,407 and he says, "I'm not really into scones."” 78 00:03:30,508 --> 00:03:31,711 [Laughter] 79 00:03:34,617 --> 00:03:36,353 I say, "You smell like piss, sir."” 80 00:03:36,454 --> 00:03:37,288 [Laughter] 81 00:03:37,723 --> 00:03:40,361 Take this goddamn scone and get the hell off of this line. 82 00:03:42,433 --> 00:03:43,936 Then, the one after him had a complaint. 83 00:03:44,036 --> 00:03:45,004 You know, he's like-- 84 00:03:45,104 --> 00:03:46,273 I gave him a bag, he opened it up. 85 00:03:46,373 --> 00:03:49,980 He said, "I would really prefer plain bagels."” 86 00:03:51,183 --> 00:03:53,988 I said, "I prefer a man have on pants when they speak to me."” 87 00:03:54,757 --> 00:03:56,026 We both lost today, sir. 88 00:03:56,193 --> 00:03:58,932 Take this goddamn bagel and get the hell off of this line. 89 00:04:02,906 --> 00:04:05,311 I'm going to be 54 in August. 90 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:06,414 I know. 91 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:09,119 I'm so, I'm so old. 92 00:04:09,219 --> 00:04:10,288 I'm so old. 93 00:04:10,388 --> 00:04:11,356 It's almost over. 94 00:04:11,457 --> 00:04:12,459 It's almost a wrap. 95 00:04:12,559 --> 00:04:13,562 -No! 96 00:04:13,662 --> 00:04:14,663 [Laughs] 97 00:04:14,763 --> 00:04:15,766 -You're like, "No, it just started."” 98 00:04:15,866 --> 00:04:17,636 Yeah, all right. 99 00:04:17,736 --> 00:04:19,272 Tell my niece that, bitch, okay? 100 00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:21,243 It just started. 101 00:04:21,343 --> 00:04:26,020 And young people, like, I love the Gen Z generation. 102 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,656 I don't know why everybody hates you guys. 103 00:04:27,957 --> 00:04:28,926 I love you. 104 00:04:29,026 --> 00:04:29,994 I'm popping on TikTok. 105 00:04:30,094 --> 00:04:31,531 I part my hair down the middle. 106 00:04:31,731 --> 00:04:32,933 I love you guys. 107 00:04:33,702 --> 00:04:34,704 I need you. 108 00:04:35,271 --> 00:04:37,008 Young people, I have some young girlfriends, 109 00:04:37,108 --> 00:04:38,779 and they make fun of me now that I'm older. 110 00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,248 You know, they think they're being cute. 111 00:04:40,683 --> 00:04:42,252 They're like, "50s, Woo-hoo! 112 00:04:42,352 --> 00:04:43,353 How is your back? 113 00:04:44,088 --> 00:04:45,492 Are your knees okay? 114 00:04:46,561 --> 00:04:47,563 Can you see me?"” 115 00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:48,732 Fuck you, I'm not dying. 116 00:04:48,832 --> 00:04:50,468 It's just a birthday. 117 00:04:52,506 --> 00:04:55,512 You gotta know the value, though, of having older girlfriends. 118 00:04:55,612 --> 00:04:57,416 I had some older girlfriends in LA 119 00:04:57,650 --> 00:04:59,186 and my mentor teach me about life. 120 00:04:59,487 --> 00:05:02,391 They are the ones you go to for honesty, okay, older women. 121 00:05:02,492 --> 00:05:04,731 I had a girlfriend, I still have her, 122 00:05:04,831 --> 00:05:06,066 a girlfriend who was a little bit older. 123 00:05:06,366 --> 00:05:08,905 She adopted a baby later on in life. 124 00:05:09,573 --> 00:05:10,709 We were all shocked. 125 00:05:11,109 --> 00:05:13,280 We're like, "Girl, you ain't got no time to raise a baby."” 126 00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,685 But we're watching her struggle, but she was doing a good job. 127 00:05:15,785 --> 00:05:18,124 Then, she texted me a picture with a little girl on her phone, 128 00:05:18,425 --> 00:05:19,994 and I'm like, "Who's this little bitch?"” 129 00:05:20,429 --> 00:05:23,267 And she said, "I'm going to adopt a little girl next."” 130 00:05:23,969 --> 00:05:27,776 We're all like, "You lose your current son at least once a week."” 131 00:05:27,876 --> 00:05:29,078 [Laughter] 132 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,016 You know what her response was? 133 00:05:31,116 --> 00:05:32,819 "Jackie, we always find him."” 134 00:05:32,919 --> 00:05:33,922 [Laughter] 135 00:05:34,557 --> 00:05:36,461 We want that kind of honesty, you know what I'm saying? 136 00:05:37,395 --> 00:05:40,602 When you're younger, sex is kinda dangerous, you know? 137 00:05:40,703 --> 00:05:42,906 Because I was a very fertile woman. 138 00:05:43,006 --> 00:05:44,877 Up until my late 40s, very fertile. 139 00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:47,182 And sex is stressful when you're fertile. 140 00:05:47,550 --> 00:05:48,552 How fertile was I? 141 00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:50,220 I was pregnant every Friday. 142 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,123 [Laughter] 143 00:05:51,557 --> 00:05:55,097 I had a good life, you know what I'm saying? 144 00:05:55,432 --> 00:05:57,402 And you gotta tell yourself when you're young and fertile, 145 00:05:57,503 --> 00:05:59,540 any man puts his hands on you could ruin your life. 146 00:05:59,941 --> 00:06:01,143 You gotta be careful. 147 00:06:01,243 --> 00:06:02,379 You gotta have that thought in your head like, 148 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,082 "Jackie, before you give this guy some, 149 00:06:04,182 --> 00:06:06,921 just so you know, he might be homeless. 150 00:06:07,021 --> 00:06:08,190 [Laughter] 151 00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:10,762 He could be a great dad. 152 00:06:10,862 --> 00:06:11,831 You don't know. 153 00:06:11,932 --> 00:06:13,134 Give it a try."” 154 00:06:13,234 --> 00:06:14,235 [Laughs] 155 00:06:15,171 --> 00:06:18,077 When you're young, if you get caught having sex on tape, 156 00:06:18,177 --> 00:06:19,379 you get really upset. 157 00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:20,949 You're like, "I want to get a job. 158 00:06:21,049 --> 00:06:22,318 I want to go to college."” 159 00:06:23,187 --> 00:06:25,291 When you're older, you get caught on tape having sex. 160 00:06:25,391 --> 00:06:27,429 I'm like, "You taped us doing it? 161 00:06:28,598 --> 00:06:29,600 You should have told me. 162 00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:31,169 I'd have got my hair done."” 163 00:06:31,269 --> 00:06:32,038 Hey! 164 00:06:32,138 --> 00:06:33,341 My first sex tape. 165 00:06:33,442 --> 00:06:34,443 What? 166 00:06:34,543 --> 00:06:35,545 [Laughter] 167 00:06:38,818 --> 00:06:39,686 God. 168 00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:42,826 Young people, y'all love modern bathrooms. 169 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,232 You love all the dangerous points, and corners, 170 00:06:46,333 --> 00:06:51,042 and the dangerous, what you call the counters and stuff. 171 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:57,055 Older people, we need a lot to feel comfortable in a bathroom. 172 00:06:57,423 --> 00:07:00,663 Like example, getting older is traumatic. 173 00:07:00,763 --> 00:07:02,198 That is first of all. 174 00:07:02,298 --> 00:07:04,971 I work hard to make it funny, but getting older can be a lot. 175 00:07:05,271 --> 00:07:07,509 You look in the mirror, things are always changing, right? 176 00:07:07,776 --> 00:07:10,114 When my husband and I would be on tour together 177 00:07:10,214 --> 00:07:11,551 and go to our hotel bathroom, 178 00:07:11,651 --> 00:07:15,692 if our hotel bathroom had a bench inside the shower, 179 00:07:16,894 --> 00:07:20,267 don't you get extra horny when you see that bench in the shower? 180 00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:21,169 [Laughter] 181 00:07:21,403 --> 00:07:23,742 Don't let it have a bench and those metal bars 182 00:07:23,842 --> 00:07:24,843 on the wall, okay? 183 00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:27,416 Because he's like, "I'm going to fuck the shit out of you."” 184 00:07:27,516 --> 00:07:27,983 I'm like, "Why?"” 185 00:07:28,083 --> 00:07:28,818 "I have help now. 186 00:07:28,918 --> 00:07:29,620 I have handles. 187 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:30,956 I have a seat. 188 00:07:31,056 --> 00:07:33,060 I'm putting you in the hospital, bitch, tonight. 189 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:33,928 You know what I mean?"” 190 00:07:34,028 --> 00:07:35,197 [Laughter] 191 00:07:36,968 --> 00:07:38,638 Sex needs things as you get older. 192 00:07:40,174 --> 00:07:42,045 You know how men, you try to hit it from the back, 193 00:07:42,145 --> 00:07:43,614 and your little footsies keep slipping? 194 00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:44,717 [Laughter] 195 00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:47,321 You need socks that have the grips on them. 196 00:07:47,422 --> 00:07:49,325 You need grips on the bottom of your socks. 197 00:07:49,426 --> 00:07:51,062 [Laughter] 198 00:07:51,162 --> 00:07:52,966 Sex changes as you get older. 199 00:07:55,004 --> 00:07:57,375 I am going through menopause. 200 00:07:57,476 --> 00:07:58,511 Yay! 201 00:07:58,611 --> 00:07:59,613 [Cheering] 202 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:00,715 [Laughter] 203 00:08:03,922 --> 00:08:06,894 I like to educate the younger whores 204 00:08:07,128 --> 00:08:08,130 so you can see your future. 205 00:08:08,230 --> 00:08:10,468 Because I'm your future. 206 00:08:11,905 --> 00:08:13,340 What is menopause like? 207 00:08:14,175 --> 00:08:17,015 I have to wear a life vest at night so I don't drown 208 00:08:17,115 --> 00:08:18,316 in my own night sweats. 209 00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:21,991 If I get thirsty, I have all this water. 210 00:08:22,191 --> 00:08:25,565 I also have a small cup of water underneath each titty 211 00:08:26,834 --> 00:08:28,871 that I can sip from if I need to. 212 00:08:28,971 --> 00:08:30,173 [Laughter] 213 00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:33,280 Menopause. 214 00:08:33,748 --> 00:08:37,155 People like to ask the difference between menopause and PMS. 215 00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:38,256 What's the difference? 216 00:08:38,356 --> 00:08:40,027 PMS, I had really bad PMS. 217 00:08:40,327 --> 00:08:41,531 Like, I would have thoughts like, 218 00:08:41,631 --> 00:08:43,968 "Jackie, you should stab him in the face."” 219 00:08:44,068 --> 00:08:45,070 [Laughter] 220 00:08:45,739 --> 00:08:48,043 But you'll go to jail, so you tell yourself don't do it. 221 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,949 But menopause is like, "Stop being a bitch. 222 00:08:51,049 --> 00:08:52,853 Here's a knife, go stab him in the face."” 223 00:08:52,953 --> 00:08:53,955 [Applause] 224 00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,525 A lot of voices in my head. 225 00:08:58,464 --> 00:09:02,772 I got the menopause weight gain happening. 226 00:09:03,942 --> 00:09:07,048 I've either gained four or 45 pounds. 227 00:09:07,148 --> 00:09:09,218 I'm not sure which one it is. 228 00:09:10,188 --> 00:09:11,189 Because you know what? 229 00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:12,492 I'm touring, I'm around the world, 230 00:09:12,592 --> 00:09:14,530 and I'm eating all the foods, and I'm enjoying it, 231 00:09:14,630 --> 00:09:18,169 but my blood pressure is like 3,000 over 40. 232 00:09:18,938 --> 00:09:20,074 I don't want to die. 233 00:09:20,174 --> 00:09:22,111 Because you know, when it comes to fitness, 234 00:09:22,211 --> 00:09:23,548 I don't want to participate. 235 00:09:23,648 --> 00:09:24,650 [Laughter] 236 00:09:25,350 --> 00:09:27,456 I'm just being real, keeping it honest. 237 00:09:28,190 --> 00:09:31,163 Cause I used to like be really insecure, 238 00:09:31,263 --> 00:09:32,866 and I'm not as much now. 239 00:09:32,966 --> 00:09:34,335 I'm a little bit arrogant, okay? 240 00:09:34,436 --> 00:09:35,539 I look in the mirror, I'm like, 241 00:09:35,639 --> 00:09:36,941 "Jackie, you are still killing the game. 242 00:09:37,041 --> 00:09:38,043 You know why? 243 00:09:38,143 --> 00:09:39,446 You are not scooter fat."” 244 00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:40,982 You know what scooter fat is? 245 00:09:41,082 --> 00:09:42,085 [Laughter] 246 00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:44,690 You ever see the lady in the cereal aisle in the scooter 247 00:09:44,790 --> 00:09:47,161 just sitting there reading all the ingredients on the boxes? 248 00:09:47,562 --> 00:09:48,898 You can't get around this bitch? 249 00:09:48,998 --> 00:09:50,200 [Laughter] 250 00:09:51,369 --> 00:09:52,806 You ever see the Scooter family? 251 00:09:52,906 --> 00:09:55,277 You be the husband and the wife that's rolling around together? 252 00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:58,618 They're usually in the casino blocking all the slots. 253 00:09:58,718 --> 00:10:00,488 [Laughter] 254 00:10:02,225 --> 00:10:03,728 Because I used to have a fat mentor. 255 00:10:03,828 --> 00:10:05,732 I had a fat leader for decades. 256 00:10:05,832 --> 00:10:06,501 We all had it. 257 00:10:06,601 --> 00:10:07,368 Who was it? 258 00:10:07,469 --> 00:10:08,037 Oprah! 259 00:10:08,137 --> 00:10:09,706 Oprah was my fat mentor. 260 00:10:10,675 --> 00:10:13,448 And then, she said, "Fuck you, fatties, I'm rich,"” 261 00:10:13,548 --> 00:10:15,785 and got small the faster way. 262 00:10:16,352 --> 00:10:18,123 Now, I'm in the gym all confused. 263 00:10:19,258 --> 00:10:20,562 Because I want my own TV show. 264 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,265 That's what I've been working hard for. 265 00:10:22,365 --> 00:10:23,601 I almost got one. 266 00:10:23,701 --> 00:10:24,402 That's the goal. 267 00:10:24,503 --> 00:10:24,836 [Cheering] 268 00:10:24,936 --> 00:10:25,672 Thank you. 269 00:10:25,772 --> 00:10:26,640 Stop. 270 00:10:27,442 --> 00:10:30,214 But I have been told I have the wrong look. 271 00:10:30,314 --> 00:10:31,584 They said I'm not big enough. 272 00:10:31,818 --> 00:10:32,719 Clearly, I'm not small. 273 00:10:32,952 --> 00:10:36,226 But women who are big always have their own TV shows. 274 00:10:36,527 --> 00:10:38,431 I mean like big times 40, right? 275 00:10:38,598 --> 00:10:41,402 There was a show on, the white lady, TLC, 276 00:10:41,670 --> 00:10:44,109 "My 500-lb Life", been on forever. 277 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,582 Another show on TV, "1,000-lb Sisters". 278 00:10:48,584 --> 00:10:52,926 I'm like, "How big a bitch gotta get to get on television?"” 279 00:10:53,327 --> 00:10:54,362 And you know what's sad? 280 00:10:54,463 --> 00:10:55,465 I could do it, too. 281 00:10:55,565 --> 00:10:56,734 Give me a weekend and a few pies. 282 00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:57,836 I could get there. 283 00:10:59,806 --> 00:11:00,842 Cause there's a certain-- 284 00:11:00,942 --> 00:11:02,946 Remember, there was a diet pill out in the days. 285 00:11:03,046 --> 00:11:04,248 Remember Ephedra? 286 00:11:04,817 --> 00:11:05,317 Y'all was wrong. 287 00:11:05,418 --> 00:11:06,186 Remember Ephedrine? 288 00:11:06,286 --> 00:11:07,255 Shit was fantastic. 289 00:11:07,355 --> 00:11:09,092 It was heroin in pill form. 290 00:11:09,426 --> 00:11:11,230 And you could get it anywhere, right? 291 00:11:11,330 --> 00:11:12,364 And I wasn't a comedian. 292 00:11:12,465 --> 00:11:13,868 I had an office job popping that pill. 293 00:11:13,968 --> 00:11:16,874 I lost so much weight, co-workers gave me an intervention. 294 00:11:17,207 --> 00:11:19,179 They're like, "Jackie, you went from a size 16 295 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:20,482 to a size 8 in a week. 296 00:11:20,582 --> 00:11:22,151 That is not the gym at lunchtime. 297 00:11:22,251 --> 00:11:23,454 You are smoking crack."” 298 00:11:23,554 --> 00:11:24,556 [Laughter] 299 00:11:25,191 --> 00:11:26,427 And I would have died. 300 00:11:26,527 --> 00:11:28,264 Losing weight that fast, I would have passed away. 301 00:11:28,364 --> 00:11:30,735 But I'd have been snatched in that coffin. 302 00:11:32,371 --> 00:11:34,643 I'd be in that box like, "Mmm. 303 00:11:34,743 --> 00:11:35,978 [Laughter] 304 00:11:37,982 --> 00:11:39,218 She gone, but she look good."” 305 00:11:39,318 --> 00:11:40,521 [Laughter] 306 00:11:42,593 --> 00:11:45,397 With menopause and the hot flashes, things are different. 307 00:11:45,565 --> 00:11:47,134 You know, like for me to get moist-- 308 00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:48,437 [Laughter] 309 00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:52,612 Was that a man's voice or was that-- 310 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:53,848 For me to get moist-- 311 00:11:53,948 --> 00:11:54,816 Oh, that's an old man. 312 00:11:54,916 --> 00:11:56,252 Hey, auntie, how are you? 313 00:11:57,523 --> 00:11:59,192 For me to get moist-- 314 00:11:59,292 --> 00:12:00,361 People hate that word. 315 00:12:00,495 --> 00:12:01,997 You hate the word moist, is that what it is? 316 00:12:02,599 --> 00:12:03,199 You do? 317 00:12:03,299 --> 00:12:04,202 Moist, man, moist, moist. 318 00:12:04,302 --> 00:12:04,870 I'm kidding. 319 00:12:04,970 --> 00:12:06,406 [Laughter] 320 00:12:06,507 --> 00:12:09,378 For me to get moist for sex, all the elements gotta be perfect. 321 00:12:10,113 --> 00:12:11,751 All the stars gotta align. 322 00:12:12,553 --> 00:12:14,923 For me to get moist now, I can't be hot. 323 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:17,896 I can't be cold. 324 00:12:17,996 --> 00:12:18,998 [Laughter] 325 00:12:20,502 --> 00:12:21,703 I can't be hungry. 326 00:12:23,674 --> 00:12:24,443 I can't be full. 327 00:12:24,543 --> 00:12:25,144 Who fucks when they're full? 328 00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:26,112 Nobody. 329 00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:26,581 I don't care how horny you are, 330 00:12:26,714 --> 00:12:27,849 you don't do it when you're full. 331 00:12:29,085 --> 00:12:30,087 I want the room dark. 332 00:12:30,187 --> 00:12:31,657 Are you hiding, bloodstained? 333 00:12:31,757 --> 00:12:32,760 I can't see shit. 334 00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:34,062 You're black, I'm black. 335 00:12:34,162 --> 00:12:36,701 I need a nightlight, a lamp, be able to see an escape route. 336 00:12:36,801 --> 00:12:37,802 I don't feel safe. 337 00:12:37,902 --> 00:12:38,904 [Laughter] 338 00:12:40,073 --> 00:12:42,579 I want the room quiet, but not serial killer quiet. 339 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:43,848 You ain't got no neighbors. 340 00:12:43,948 --> 00:12:44,950 You ain't getting no texts. 341 00:12:45,184 --> 00:12:46,152 I don't hear any birds. 342 00:12:46,252 --> 00:12:47,455 [Laughter] 343 00:12:48,624 --> 00:12:50,762 Don't try and do it when you know it's about to rain. 344 00:12:50,862 --> 00:12:51,930 We're both in our 50s. 345 00:12:52,030 --> 00:12:54,536 We have one good knee between us. 346 00:12:54,636 --> 00:12:56,774 You know we can't when it's about to rain. 347 00:12:56,874 --> 00:12:57,876 [Laughter] 348 00:13:00,381 --> 00:13:04,590 I don't have any kids, you know, and I get sad every now and then, 349 00:13:04,690 --> 00:13:06,827 but I realize it's not my ministry, 350 00:13:06,927 --> 00:13:08,062 it's not my path in life. 351 00:13:08,497 --> 00:13:11,335 I used to watch Joel Osteen before he got weird. 352 00:13:11,436 --> 00:13:12,439 [Laughter] 353 00:13:13,006 --> 00:13:17,081 And he had the same Bible story on Sundays at 10 AM, 354 00:13:17,482 --> 00:13:18,718 almost every Sunday. 355 00:13:19,085 --> 00:13:21,757 He's like, "There was a woman, 356 00:13:21,857 --> 00:13:26,533 and she really wanted to be a mom, but she was barren. 357 00:13:27,201 --> 00:13:28,236 She was sterile. 358 00:13:28,336 --> 00:13:29,540 [Laughter] 359 00:13:30,675 --> 00:13:37,387 Then, when she turned 85, the Lord blessed her with a baby."” 360 00:13:38,624 --> 00:13:40,862 I'm like, "Bitch, the Lord hated you. 361 00:13:40,962 --> 00:13:43,099 That is not a blessing."” 362 00:13:43,199 --> 00:13:44,168 [Laughter] 363 00:13:44,269 --> 00:13:46,139 I don't care how much faith you have, 364 00:13:46,239 --> 00:13:48,978 nobody wanna be pregnant at fuckin' 85. 365 00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:50,080 [Laughter] 366 00:13:55,925 --> 00:13:59,633 Menopause has made me kind of bratty or-- 367 00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:02,939 The things that used to make me happy irritate me now. 368 00:14:03,507 --> 00:14:06,179 Like HGTV used to be my joint. 369 00:14:06,647 --> 00:14:08,050 I'd watch it all the time. 370 00:14:08,150 --> 00:14:10,755 But now that I'm older and I really want to be a homeowner-- 371 00:14:10,855 --> 00:14:11,624 I'm going to be. 372 00:14:11,723 --> 00:14:12,726 I'm going to be a homeowner. 373 00:14:12,926 --> 00:14:15,263 But I can't watch what's going on. 374 00:14:15,698 --> 00:14:19,038 I'm tired of the designers, and the contractors, 375 00:14:19,138 --> 00:14:20,106 and the plumbers. 376 00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:21,643 They're all too fucking attractive. 377 00:14:21,743 --> 00:14:22,545 [Laughter] 378 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,150 When you were young, living at home with your parents, 379 00:14:25,351 --> 00:14:28,289 somebody came over to fix anything, were they ever cute? 380 00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:29,392 -No. 381 00:14:29,493 --> 00:14:30,461 -No, right? 382 00:14:30,562 --> 00:14:32,599 I want to see a plumber named Bruce. 383 00:14:32,799 --> 00:14:34,235 I want to see the crack of his ass. 384 00:14:34,503 --> 00:14:38,310 He got to be 300 pounds, drink too much, missing teeth. 385 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,781 He might steal, just had a heart attack, 386 00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:41,850 on the verge of a divorce. 387 00:14:42,050 --> 00:14:44,288 That's what I want to see fixing shit. 388 00:14:44,388 --> 00:14:45,390 I'm sick of this. 389 00:14:45,558 --> 00:14:47,261 Because men aren't gross anymore. 390 00:14:47,361 --> 00:14:48,998 Men are like, they're groomed like we are. 391 00:14:49,098 --> 00:14:53,574 Remember back in the day, men had one soap, right? 392 00:14:53,907 --> 00:14:57,582 They had one soap for their hair, and their back, 393 00:14:57,949 --> 00:14:58,951 and their balls. 394 00:14:59,786 --> 00:15:02,893 And now, they're all in our shit, asking, "What's this?"” 395 00:15:02,993 --> 00:15:03,994 It's a $100. 396 00:15:04,094 --> 00:15:05,096 Put that shit down. 397 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,433 [Laughter] 398 00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:09,171 I need you men to go back to your Irish spring. 399 00:15:09,271 --> 00:15:10,240 Get the fuck out of our stuff. 400 00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:11,343 [Laughter] 401 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:12,645 I'm tired of this. 402 00:15:13,614 --> 00:15:14,617 They're too curious. 403 00:15:14,717 --> 00:15:15,918 It's annoying me now. 404 00:15:20,762 --> 00:15:22,432 Menopause makes me tell the truth, 405 00:15:22,532 --> 00:15:24,034 and men don't like the truth. 406 00:15:25,939 --> 00:15:30,448 My husband, he was like, "Jackie, would you ever cheat on me?"” 407 00:15:30,548 --> 00:15:31,684 And I honestly answered him. 408 00:15:31,784 --> 00:15:33,487 I'm like, "I don't have time."” 409 00:15:33,587 --> 00:15:34,789 [Laughter] 410 00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:37,361 He didn't like that answer. 411 00:15:37,462 --> 00:15:38,998 How the hell is that a bad answer? 412 00:15:40,468 --> 00:15:43,707 If we cheat, we don't get caught. 413 00:15:43,874 --> 00:15:46,480 I don't cheat, but if I wanted to, it's very easy. 414 00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:49,886 We add cheating to our daily itinerary. 415 00:15:49,986 --> 00:15:52,158 We don't do it the way you guys do it, okay? 416 00:15:52,358 --> 00:15:55,498 We're like, "I'm going to get my hair done, my nails done, 417 00:15:55,598 --> 00:15:57,635 dry cleaning, I'm going to blow David, 418 00:15:57,835 --> 00:16:00,106 and then I'm going to go see this movie 419 00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,376 and hang out with my girlfriend."” 420 00:16:01,677 --> 00:16:05,083 We just dip it into the schedule so it doesn't get weird. 421 00:16:05,585 --> 00:16:06,821 You know why men get caught? 422 00:16:06,921 --> 00:16:08,691 You leave your phone at fucking Chipotle. 423 00:16:08,791 --> 00:16:10,461 That's why you get caught. 424 00:16:10,561 --> 00:16:11,563 You have no charger. 425 00:16:11,663 --> 00:16:13,033 Your phone dead for 14 hours. 426 00:16:13,133 --> 00:16:13,934 It's a weird thing with men. 427 00:16:14,034 --> 00:16:15,270 That's why you always get caught. 428 00:16:15,370 --> 00:16:16,773 You're not prepared, you know? 429 00:16:16,873 --> 00:16:17,875 [Laughter] 430 00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:19,713 Can I get a napkin? 431 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,583 I feel like I need a napkin. 432 00:16:22,151 --> 00:16:23,152 Thank you, sir. 433 00:16:23,252 --> 00:16:24,423 Aw. 434 00:16:24,790 --> 00:16:25,958 Is that your husband? 435 00:16:26,058 --> 00:16:27,060 [Laughter] 436 00:16:28,431 --> 00:16:29,433 You two are together. 437 00:16:29,533 --> 00:16:31,168 You're friends. 438 00:16:32,170 --> 00:16:32,539 It's okay. 439 00:16:32,639 --> 00:16:33,707 It's all right. 440 00:16:35,010 --> 00:16:36,112 2025. 441 00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:38,584 Y'all can all just do it together, the three of you. 442 00:16:38,684 --> 00:16:40,888 It's a different world now. 443 00:16:40,988 --> 00:16:41,990 [Laughter] 444 00:16:45,998 --> 00:16:47,903 So, I am-- 445 00:16:48,003 --> 00:16:49,405 I am a-- 446 00:16:49,539 --> 00:16:50,575 This word is hard for me. 447 00:16:50,675 --> 00:16:51,877 I am a statistic. 448 00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:53,481 Why? 449 00:16:53,614 --> 00:16:57,789 I'm in my 50s and my marriage is over. 450 00:16:58,925 --> 00:16:59,926 Yeah. 451 00:17:00,093 --> 00:17:01,463 Who say what? 452 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:02,566 What'd you say? 453 00:17:02,666 --> 00:17:03,934 What'd you say, I just got married? 454 00:17:04,201 --> 00:17:05,204 I know, bitch. 455 00:17:05,304 --> 00:17:06,305 That's the point. 456 00:17:06,405 --> 00:17:07,407 That's why I'm sad. 457 00:17:07,508 --> 00:17:09,078 Yeah, almost three years. 458 00:17:09,178 --> 00:17:10,047 -Woo! 459 00:17:10,247 --> 00:17:12,785 -I don't know what you're wooing about, but-- 460 00:17:13,420 --> 00:17:14,656 Um, yeah. 461 00:17:14,756 --> 00:17:17,595 My marriage is over, and I'm dealing with that. 462 00:17:17,695 --> 00:17:20,400 I might cry while I'm up here, so please support me. 463 00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:23,240 I'm very sad about it, but, you know. 464 00:17:23,340 --> 00:17:26,414 And this is my second failed marriage, so I'm killing the game. 465 00:17:26,514 --> 00:17:27,516 You know what I mean? 466 00:17:27,883 --> 00:17:29,619 Second failed marriage. 467 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:31,289 Oh, God. 468 00:17:31,389 --> 00:17:32,758 Um. 469 00:17:32,859 --> 00:17:36,332 Marriage is over, and I'm trying to recognize the patterns 470 00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:37,869 so I don't repeat this again. 471 00:17:38,203 --> 00:17:39,205 What are the patterns? 472 00:17:39,873 --> 00:17:43,045 My first husband and this husband, they're both Aries. 473 00:17:44,482 --> 00:17:45,785 I know, right? 474 00:17:45,885 --> 00:17:48,858 They're both 6'4", and they're both failed athletes. 475 00:17:48,958 --> 00:17:50,795 That's what I seem to attract. 476 00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:54,736 A PSA for the failed athletes. 477 00:17:55,170 --> 00:17:58,342 Men, please stop playing full court anything 478 00:18:00,548 --> 00:18:01,651 after 30 years old. 479 00:18:01,751 --> 00:18:02,886 I am sick of this shit. 480 00:18:02,986 --> 00:18:06,091 Stop playing full court basketball after 30. 481 00:18:06,192 --> 00:18:08,731 I don't care if you were a star in high school or college, 482 00:18:09,031 --> 00:18:11,002 the Knicks ain't gonna call you, okay? 483 00:18:11,336 --> 00:18:12,304 Please stop. 484 00:18:12,404 --> 00:18:13,474 You ever watch the men in New York? 485 00:18:13,574 --> 00:18:14,710 They take it very seriously. 486 00:18:14,810 --> 00:18:16,713 They play full court games. 487 00:18:16,913 --> 00:18:18,650 I'm like, "Why do you have breakaway pants? 488 00:18:18,751 --> 00:18:20,153 What the fuck is wrong with you guys? 489 00:18:20,253 --> 00:18:21,222 [Laughter] 490 00:18:21,322 --> 00:18:23,494 You're not on the team."” 491 00:18:23,594 --> 00:18:27,268 If I hear one more torn ACL story, I'm gonna kill myself. 492 00:18:27,769 --> 00:18:30,240 Every man has a torn ACL story. 493 00:18:30,708 --> 00:18:32,646 Show of hands, torn ACL men? 494 00:18:32,913 --> 00:18:34,248 See, one on the back. 495 00:18:34,549 --> 00:18:35,584 Anybody over here? 496 00:18:35,684 --> 00:18:36,687 Achilles? 497 00:18:36,787 --> 00:18:37,789 I'm sick of it. 498 00:18:37,889 --> 00:18:39,626 Stop playing sports. 499 00:18:41,430 --> 00:18:42,432 Yeah, I have a-- 500 00:18:42,899 --> 00:18:44,669 I probably need to go for a short king. 501 00:18:44,769 --> 00:18:47,675 I probably, I need to try a short king. 502 00:18:48,510 --> 00:18:49,479 But I get sad. 503 00:18:49,579 --> 00:18:50,582 I'm like, I'm 5'4". 504 00:18:50,682 --> 00:18:51,583 I don't want a fucking elf. 505 00:18:51,683 --> 00:18:54,021 [Laughter] 506 00:18:55,925 --> 00:18:57,094 I need a taller guy. 507 00:18:57,194 --> 00:18:58,196 [Laughter] 508 00:18:59,131 --> 00:19:04,041 Now, if you were to ask me, like, why is my marriage over? 509 00:19:04,141 --> 00:19:05,210 I'll keep it real. 510 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:08,451 I'm not a doctor, so I don't want to diagnose him, 511 00:19:08,551 --> 00:19:09,886 but I would say narcissism. 512 00:19:10,254 --> 00:19:11,255 But he-- 513 00:19:11,355 --> 00:19:12,157 [Laughter] 514 00:19:12,625 --> 00:19:17,168 But he is, or he was emotionally abusive and not nice to me. 515 00:19:17,736 --> 00:19:19,305 He wasn't the guy I thought he was. 516 00:19:19,673 --> 00:19:21,710 So, I'm like, I don't have a kid with him, 517 00:19:21,810 --> 00:19:24,449 so I can get the fuck out of the house and move. 518 00:19:24,549 --> 00:19:25,684 So, I left. 519 00:19:25,784 --> 00:19:26,953 [Cheering] 520 00:19:27,053 --> 00:19:28,089 Thank you. 521 00:19:28,323 --> 00:19:32,330 I want you ladies to know that you can leave, you know? 522 00:19:32,431 --> 00:19:33,434 [Cheering] 523 00:19:33,667 --> 00:19:36,305 Gotta get out before it gets too late, you know? 524 00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:40,615 You want to know why it's really over? 525 00:19:40,715 --> 00:19:43,152 He stopped performing oral sex on me. 526 00:19:43,252 --> 00:19:44,589 -Aw. 527 00:19:45,223 --> 00:19:46,192 -I should have him killed, right? 528 00:19:46,292 --> 00:19:47,995 That's worthy of dying. 529 00:19:48,597 --> 00:19:50,000 Because before we got married-- 530 00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:51,436 I think he tried to trap me. 531 00:19:51,536 --> 00:19:53,807 Before we got married, he did everything beautifully. 532 00:19:53,907 --> 00:19:54,909 He'd make me dinner. 533 00:19:55,176 --> 00:19:57,849 He used to be down there all the time. 534 00:19:57,949 --> 00:19:59,218 He used to live down there. 535 00:19:59,486 --> 00:20:00,655 He bought one of those hats 536 00:20:00,755 --> 00:20:02,625 that have the coal miner light on the front. 537 00:20:02,725 --> 00:20:03,694 [Laughter] 538 00:20:03,794 --> 00:20:05,431 That's how much he was down there, 539 00:20:05,531 --> 00:20:06,900 always burrowing down there. 540 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,073 And then, when we got married, he stopped. 541 00:20:10,574 --> 00:20:13,513 And you know what I've read now that I'm researching narcissism? 542 00:20:13,847 --> 00:20:16,453 I've heard that a lot of men target women like me, 543 00:20:16,553 --> 00:20:18,891 plus size, fat, chubby, whatever you want to call it, 544 00:20:18,991 --> 00:20:20,862 because they don't think that we're a threat, 545 00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:23,634 and we can get a boyfriend or get the man we want. 546 00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:24,836 And he doesn't understand. 547 00:20:24,936 --> 00:20:26,306 I am a threat, okay? 548 00:20:26,406 --> 00:20:27,407 I'm a huge-- 549 00:20:27,508 --> 00:20:29,513 I have ruined many marriages. 550 00:20:29,713 --> 00:20:31,148 I am a threat. 551 00:20:31,248 --> 00:20:32,051 [Laughter] 552 00:20:32,619 --> 00:20:35,825 Every work husband I've had, fucked them in the coffee room. 553 00:20:35,925 --> 00:20:38,029 You should be worried about me. 554 00:20:38,129 --> 00:20:38,931 [Cheering] 555 00:20:39,031 --> 00:20:40,066 Don't underestimate the chubby chick. 556 00:20:40,166 --> 00:20:41,537 We can ruin your family, okay? 557 00:20:41,637 --> 00:20:43,005 We can take your family apart. 558 00:20:43,105 --> 00:20:44,107 [Laughter] 559 00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:46,546 You know how they say a hoe 560 00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:48,116 can't be turned into a housewife? 561 00:20:49,251 --> 00:20:52,023 Just because he's hung, don't mean he should be your husband. 562 00:20:53,159 --> 00:20:54,796 That's my lesson from all of this. 563 00:20:54,896 --> 00:20:56,098 [Applause] 564 00:20:57,501 --> 00:21:00,575 Now, let me shoot down the dream to some of you 565 00:21:00,675 --> 00:21:03,580 who want to get married one day. 566 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:04,949 I want to tell you all the truth. 567 00:21:07,387 --> 00:21:08,389 Marriage. 568 00:21:08,991 --> 00:21:10,961 I'm going to get married again. 569 00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:12,598 I'm not sour towards love. 570 00:21:12,698 --> 00:21:13,701 I'm going to do it again. 571 00:21:13,801 --> 00:21:14,802 I don't care. 572 00:21:14,902 --> 00:21:16,071 [Cheering] 573 00:21:16,171 --> 00:21:17,875 But this time around, I have to marry a man 574 00:21:17,975 --> 00:21:19,646 who has something, who has shit. 575 00:21:19,746 --> 00:21:20,748 I can't do this again. 576 00:21:21,516 --> 00:21:24,422 Example, and lesson for the guys out here. 577 00:21:25,123 --> 00:21:27,360 Gentlemen, if you want a woman to come over your house 578 00:21:27,462 --> 00:21:30,601 and you want us to stay there, and we want to stay there, 579 00:21:30,701 --> 00:21:32,204 but your houses need help. 580 00:21:32,404 --> 00:21:35,978 Example, gentlemen, if you don't have a nice fridge in your home, 581 00:21:36,245 --> 00:21:37,915 you have to have ice trays. 582 00:21:39,251 --> 00:21:41,623 You can't just freeze a fucking bowl of water. 583 00:21:41,723 --> 00:21:42,726 [Laughter] 584 00:21:43,159 --> 00:21:44,729 And then when it's time for a cocktail, 585 00:21:44,829 --> 00:21:46,433 you gotta go get an ice pick and a hammer. 586 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,570 And why do you have an ice pick? 587 00:21:48,670 --> 00:21:51,610 Also, my husband, he didn't have any garbage cans. 588 00:21:51,710 --> 00:21:53,079 He put the garbage in plastic bags 589 00:21:53,179 --> 00:21:56,051 and had them on doorknobs around the house. 590 00:21:56,853 --> 00:21:58,155 What is a trash can, like $4? 591 00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:03,333 The amount of water that men leave on the bathroom counter 592 00:22:03,434 --> 00:22:04,268 when you're done. 593 00:22:04,402 --> 00:22:06,138 What the fuck is happening in the bathroom? 594 00:22:06,405 --> 00:22:08,376 Are you raising koi fish in there? 595 00:22:08,477 --> 00:22:09,278 [Laughter] 596 00:22:09,546 --> 00:22:12,217 Then, you got the hair in the sink guessing game 597 00:22:12,317 --> 00:22:13,086 I have to play. 598 00:22:13,186 --> 00:22:15,256 Is that beard hair or ball hair? 599 00:22:15,356 --> 00:22:16,325 I don't know. 600 00:22:16,426 --> 00:22:18,530 It's the same texture, and it's always there. 601 00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:19,633 [Laughter] 602 00:22:20,066 --> 00:22:21,937 And were you masturbating by the microwave? 603 00:22:22,037 --> 00:22:23,440 Why is the lotion in the kitchen? 604 00:22:23,540 --> 00:22:26,479 I don't know why men don't put shit back when they're done. 605 00:22:26,579 --> 00:22:27,581 [Laughter] 606 00:22:31,490 --> 00:22:32,926 My husband, good cook. 607 00:22:33,026 --> 00:22:34,896 I enjoyed him cooking every now and then. 608 00:22:35,296 --> 00:22:37,200 But my observation with men overall 609 00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:38,336 is that when it comes to cooking, 610 00:22:38,437 --> 00:22:40,040 men don't seem to know how to stir. 611 00:22:40,140 --> 00:22:43,447 You ever notice men don't stand there like we do? 612 00:22:43,547 --> 00:22:45,651 Like, women, we will fry you guys bacon, 613 00:22:45,884 --> 00:22:48,255 taking hot grease in the face without a problem. 614 00:22:48,355 --> 00:22:49,793 [Laughter] 615 00:22:49,893 --> 00:22:51,463 Men are very set it and forget it. 616 00:22:51,563 --> 00:22:54,602 My husband, he'll put raw fish on a frying pan, and then he'll-- 617 00:22:54,702 --> 00:22:58,677 over an open fire, and then he'll go to Home Depot. 618 00:22:58,777 --> 00:23:00,548 Where the fuck are you going? 619 00:23:00,648 --> 00:23:01,983 You have to stand there, sir. 620 00:23:02,084 --> 00:23:06,426 His reasoning was, "Jackie, I'm gonna let it simmer."” 621 00:23:07,528 --> 00:23:08,363 It's gonna simmer. 622 00:23:08,464 --> 00:23:09,298 You know what doesn't need simmering? 623 00:23:09,398 --> 00:23:09,866 Fucking eggs. 624 00:23:09,966 --> 00:23:11,135 Eggs don't simmer. 625 00:23:11,470 --> 00:23:12,839 You can't crack two egg, 626 00:23:12,939 --> 00:23:14,543 and then come try and fuck me in the back. 627 00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:15,612 You'll burn the house down. 628 00:23:15,712 --> 00:23:16,713 You have to stand there. 629 00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:18,951 [Laughter] 630 00:23:19,051 --> 00:23:21,022 I posted a video of me telling this joke online, 631 00:23:21,122 --> 00:23:22,558 and this man made a comment. 632 00:23:22,658 --> 00:23:25,029 He said I was about to go take a nap, and then I saw your video, 633 00:23:25,230 --> 00:23:27,568 and I remembered I had a skillet full of meat on the stove. 634 00:23:27,668 --> 00:23:28,670 [Laughter] 635 00:23:29,639 --> 00:23:30,641 I'm not making this shit up. 636 00:23:30,741 --> 00:23:31,943 This is research stuff, okay? 637 00:23:33,814 --> 00:23:35,283 Without him now, it'll be nice 638 00:23:35,383 --> 00:23:37,988 to keep groceries in the goddamn house. 639 00:23:39,091 --> 00:23:40,694 Man, why do you eat like-- 640 00:23:40,895 --> 00:23:41,863 why do you eat so much? 641 00:23:41,963 --> 00:23:43,533 Were you in the NFL? 642 00:23:43,734 --> 00:23:44,736 I didn't see the games. 643 00:23:44,836 --> 00:23:46,038 [Laughter] 644 00:23:46,338 --> 00:23:48,276 Is there a parasite in every man's belly when you're born? 645 00:23:48,376 --> 00:23:50,347 What the fuck is happening with how much you eat? 646 00:23:50,748 --> 00:23:52,050 I put my husband on punishment. 647 00:23:52,150 --> 00:23:53,721 I don't buy juice anymore. 648 00:23:53,988 --> 00:23:55,389 No man deserves juice. 649 00:23:55,490 --> 00:23:56,559 [Laughter] 650 00:23:56,993 --> 00:24:00,835 Because men think that bottle of Ocean Spray is one glass of juice. 651 00:24:01,035 --> 00:24:02,037 You greedy bastard. 652 00:24:02,137 --> 00:24:03,139 It's for the whole house. 653 00:24:03,239 --> 00:24:04,542 You greedy son of a bitch. 654 00:24:04,642 --> 00:24:05,644 [Laughter] 655 00:24:08,817 --> 00:24:09,919 He eats a lot of cinnamon. 656 00:24:10,086 --> 00:24:11,355 This was a new development. 657 00:24:12,858 --> 00:24:13,994 Isn't cinnamon a garnish, 658 00:24:14,094 --> 00:24:15,864 like when you're putting it in coffee and shit? 659 00:24:16,198 --> 00:24:18,436 Who the hell's getting lit off of cinnamon? 660 00:24:19,572 --> 00:24:21,609 When we started dating, I had a bottle of cinnamon 661 00:24:21,709 --> 00:24:24,449 that I have had since Michael Jackson was touring. 662 00:24:24,549 --> 00:24:25,551 [Laughter] 663 00:24:26,553 --> 00:24:27,422 With his brother. 664 00:24:27,789 --> 00:24:30,661 You understand how long I've had this bottle of cinnamon? 665 00:24:31,195 --> 00:24:33,299 And we get together, everything's always gone. 666 00:24:33,399 --> 00:24:35,103 The butter's gone, there's no cheese, 667 00:24:35,203 --> 00:24:36,673 there's no peanut butter, no cinnamon. 668 00:24:37,007 --> 00:24:40,313 When you're single, how long does a bottle of onion powder last? 669 00:24:41,883 --> 00:24:43,587 Eight and a half years, exactly. 670 00:24:44,020 --> 00:24:46,460 You get a partner, every seasoning's always gone. 671 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,931 What the fuck are you making a rack of ribs every morning? 672 00:24:49,031 --> 00:24:50,934 Where is the seasoning going? 673 00:24:51,034 --> 00:24:52,237 [Laughter] 674 00:24:56,212 --> 00:24:58,149 Now, I gotta ask myself, like, what's next? 675 00:24:58,249 --> 00:25:00,220 You know, like, what am I gonna do next? 676 00:25:00,655 --> 00:25:02,056 Who will I attract next? 677 00:25:03,026 --> 00:25:04,529 I attract young guys. 678 00:25:04,629 --> 00:25:05,631 [Cheering] 679 00:25:06,031 --> 00:25:09,404 Like, between 30 and 43, I don't-- 680 00:25:10,574 --> 00:25:11,943 [Laughter] 681 00:25:12,043 --> 00:25:13,413 He said, "Yeah, hey."” 682 00:25:13,513 --> 00:25:15,149 [Laughter] 683 00:25:16,786 --> 00:25:17,655 You know why? 684 00:25:17,755 --> 00:25:19,158 Because I have the auntie face. 685 00:25:19,258 --> 00:25:20,461 I remind them of their mother. 686 00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:21,395 I know how to cook. 687 00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:23,633 Weird shit, but young guys like me, right? 688 00:25:24,101 --> 00:25:25,704 And older men like me. 689 00:25:25,804 --> 00:25:27,808 Over 65, they're into me. 690 00:25:28,577 --> 00:25:29,579 And it's scary. 691 00:25:29,679 --> 00:25:30,481 [Laughter] 692 00:25:30,748 --> 00:25:32,785 Because when you go out with an older man-- 693 00:25:32,885 --> 00:25:36,024 I had one guy give me a list of what's wrong with him at dinner 694 00:25:36,124 --> 00:25:37,094 [Laughter] 695 00:25:37,394 --> 00:25:39,097 before sex is even an option. 696 00:25:39,699 --> 00:25:42,638 He's like, "So you know, I got a bad back. 697 00:25:42,738 --> 00:25:43,807 I got bad knees. 698 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:45,745 I have arthritis. 699 00:25:46,513 --> 00:25:48,149 I can barely see out of my left eye."” 700 00:25:48,249 --> 00:25:49,251 What are we gonna do? 701 00:25:49,351 --> 00:25:50,554 Pray together, sir? 702 00:25:51,288 --> 00:25:52,491 You need a doctor. 703 00:25:52,591 --> 00:25:53,594 You don't need sex. 704 00:25:53,694 --> 00:25:54,695 You're gonna die soon. 705 00:25:54,795 --> 00:25:55,797 [Laughter] 706 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,402 And the way they flirt is weird. 707 00:25:58,503 --> 00:26:00,607 You know, one guy's like, you know, I can still-- 708 00:26:00,707 --> 00:26:01,743 [Chuckles] 709 00:26:01,843 --> 00:26:03,546 [Laughter] 710 00:26:05,718 --> 00:26:06,720 Still what? 711 00:26:07,555 --> 00:26:09,826 If they never finish the sentences, it's so creepy. 712 00:26:09,926 --> 00:26:11,094 All guys hit on me. 713 00:26:15,604 --> 00:26:16,472 God. 714 00:26:19,111 --> 00:26:20,346 And I want to do this, too. 715 00:26:20,448 --> 00:26:21,683 I want to make sure I'm not petty. 716 00:26:21,783 --> 00:26:23,319 So, I'm going to have you guys help me. 717 00:26:24,021 --> 00:26:25,056 Because I'm divorced. 718 00:26:25,156 --> 00:26:26,325 There's two now. 719 00:26:26,627 --> 00:26:28,998 And I want to make sure for the next guy I'm not petty. 720 00:26:29,098 --> 00:26:30,634 This is what my husband did. 721 00:26:30,734 --> 00:26:31,736 Let me know if I'm crazy. 722 00:26:32,738 --> 00:26:33,807 He made us pancakes. 723 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:37,114 He made my plate of pancakes, and then he left it on the table 724 00:26:37,214 --> 00:26:38,450 and left for the day, right? 725 00:26:38,683 --> 00:26:40,186 So, I went to go eat the pancakes, 726 00:26:40,286 --> 00:26:42,525 and they were already kind of brown and wet 727 00:26:42,625 --> 00:26:44,896 because he put the syrup on them for me. 728 00:26:44,996 --> 00:26:45,998 -Aw. 729 00:26:46,566 --> 00:26:48,470 -What in the handmaid's tale? 730 00:26:48,570 --> 00:26:49,673 [Laughter] 731 00:26:49,773 --> 00:26:54,014 What type of psychotic person puts the sauce on food 732 00:26:54,114 --> 00:26:55,083 that they leave for you? 733 00:26:55,183 --> 00:26:56,185 Isn't that weird? 734 00:26:56,285 --> 00:26:57,521 And I haven't said a word. 735 00:26:57,621 --> 00:26:59,091 Show of hands, should I have said anything to him? 736 00:26:59,191 --> 00:27:00,761 Because I got an ulcer now holding it in. 737 00:27:01,162 --> 00:27:01,730 Really? 738 00:27:01,830 --> 00:27:02,599 Really? 739 00:27:02,699 --> 00:27:03,299 That's really worth it? 740 00:27:03,399 --> 00:27:04,503 And the rest of you are like, 741 00:27:04,603 --> 00:27:05,336 "That is not the fight you want to fight. 742 00:27:05,437 --> 00:27:06,573 That is not worth it."” 743 00:27:06,673 --> 00:27:08,308 There's many reasons for you to get upset. 744 00:27:08,408 --> 00:27:11,048 Okay, so I'm gonna ask a few couples in the audience. 745 00:27:11,282 --> 00:27:12,685 I wanna know, what does your partner do? 746 00:27:12,785 --> 00:27:16,759 I call them my unreasonable relationship annoyances, URAs. 747 00:27:16,993 --> 00:27:20,099 What does your partner do that is a big deal to you, 748 00:27:20,333 --> 00:27:22,972 but not to the world overall, okay? 749 00:27:23,239 --> 00:27:23,807 Who's a couple? 750 00:27:23,907 --> 00:27:24,509 Right here? 751 00:27:24,609 --> 00:27:25,611 Okay, ma'am. 752 00:27:25,711 --> 00:27:26,580 Where's your partner? 753 00:27:26,746 --> 00:27:30,153 I remember you guys from West Side Comedy Club 754 00:27:30,353 --> 00:27:31,556 and your daughter. 755 00:27:32,023 --> 00:27:33,660 You got a lot of personality in this one. 756 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:34,729 I remember you. 757 00:27:34,829 --> 00:27:35,998 Okay, and that's your hubby? 758 00:27:36,098 --> 00:27:36,834 -Yeah 759 00:27:36,934 --> 00:27:38,035 -Okay, what does he do? 760 00:27:38,135 --> 00:27:40,908 One thing that drives you nuts, not a big deal to the world, 761 00:27:41,008 --> 00:27:42,678 but it is a big deal to you. 762 00:27:42,778 --> 00:27:43,881 -Nothing. 763 00:27:44,181 --> 00:27:45,550 -Bitch, why you raise your hand 764 00:27:45,650 --> 00:27:46,452 [Laughter] 765 00:27:46,553 --> 00:27:49,458 If you're not gonna work with me? 766 00:27:50,093 --> 00:27:51,128 He does nothing wrong. 767 00:27:51,228 --> 00:27:52,264 -31 years. 768 00:27:52,364 --> 00:27:54,200 -31 years and he's perfect? 769 00:27:55,604 --> 00:27:56,839 [Laughter] 770 00:27:58,075 --> 00:27:59,377 Thanks for nothing, ma'am. 771 00:28:00,414 --> 00:28:01,750 Any more couples out here? 772 00:28:01,850 --> 00:28:02,751 You guys are not. 773 00:28:02,985 --> 00:28:03,853 Right here. 774 00:28:05,022 --> 00:28:05,691 Hi. 775 00:28:05,791 --> 00:28:06,827 What does your-- 776 00:28:06,927 --> 00:28:07,393 You married? 777 00:28:07,494 --> 00:28:08,630 -We're about to be. 778 00:28:08,730 --> 00:28:09,565 [Cheering] 779 00:28:09,665 --> 00:28:10,867 Oh, shit. 780 00:28:12,771 --> 00:28:14,876 I'm gonna wish you well, even though, clearly, 781 00:28:14,976 --> 00:28:16,579 I should stop getting married. 782 00:28:17,380 --> 00:28:18,784 What does he do? 783 00:28:18,884 --> 00:28:20,788 One thing that drives you nuts, not a big deal to the world, 784 00:28:20,888 --> 00:28:23,526 but it drives you crazy, a big deal to you. 785 00:28:24,963 --> 00:28:25,697 Bitch, slow down. 786 00:28:25,797 --> 00:28:26,165 You were ready. 787 00:28:26,265 --> 00:28:26,866 You had a-- 788 00:28:26,966 --> 00:28:28,235 [Laughter] 789 00:28:28,335 --> 00:28:29,773 She's like, "Please, I have a list on my phone."” 790 00:28:29,873 --> 00:28:30,808 Okay, what does he do? 791 00:28:30,908 --> 00:28:35,283 -He puts the sponge, like the sink sponge, 792 00:28:35,383 --> 00:28:36,753 on the edge of the sink. 793 00:28:36,853 --> 00:28:40,026 Not in the sink, just on the edge of the sink. 794 00:28:40,126 --> 00:28:41,128 -Are you insane? 795 00:28:41,228 --> 00:28:42,598 [Laughter] 796 00:28:45,036 --> 00:28:47,406 How long have you been together? 797 00:28:48,877 --> 00:28:49,579 -Six years. 798 00:28:49,679 --> 00:28:50,447 -Six years. 799 00:28:50,981 --> 00:28:52,585 And this is something that's been happening for six years? 800 00:28:52,685 --> 00:28:53,654 Have you told him about it? 801 00:28:53,754 --> 00:28:54,388 -Yes. 802 00:28:54,489 --> 00:28:55,056 -And he doesn't do anything? 803 00:28:55,156 --> 00:28:55,991 You know why? 804 00:28:56,091 --> 00:28:56,893 You're fucking nuts. 805 00:28:56,993 --> 00:28:58,129 You're lucky. 806 00:28:58,229 --> 00:29:01,102 You are lucky he washes the dishes, bitch. 807 00:29:01,202 --> 00:29:02,971 What's wrong with you? 808 00:29:03,807 --> 00:29:04,576 So, many-- 809 00:29:04,676 --> 00:29:05,242 Right? 810 00:29:05,342 --> 00:29:06,245 [Cheering] 811 00:29:06,345 --> 00:29:08,249 So, many men don't wash shit. 812 00:29:08,349 --> 00:29:10,654 You worry where he leaves a sponge? 813 00:29:11,288 --> 00:29:12,759 You deserve to be alone. 814 00:29:12,859 --> 00:29:14,662 You shouldn't have him. 815 00:29:14,762 --> 00:29:15,898 [Laughter] 816 00:29:16,700 --> 00:29:19,972 Okay, I saw you trying to hide earlier, put your head down. 817 00:29:20,072 --> 00:29:21,476 You two, what does he do? 818 00:29:22,110 --> 00:29:26,051 Big deal to you, but not to the world as a whole overall. 819 00:29:31,161 --> 00:29:32,698 Don't look at him, look at me. 820 00:29:32,798 --> 00:29:33,800 [Laughter] 821 00:29:34,802 --> 00:29:35,670 What does he do? 822 00:29:36,706 --> 00:29:40,413 -[Indiscernible] 823 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:46,292 [Laughter] 824 00:29:46,860 --> 00:29:49,365 I love doing this because my overall consensus 825 00:29:49,466 --> 00:29:50,901 is women are bitches. 826 00:29:51,001 --> 00:29:51,869 Okay, that's what I think. 827 00:29:51,969 --> 00:29:52,605 [Laughter] 828 00:29:52,705 --> 00:29:55,409 He makes this noise with what? 829 00:29:55,510 --> 00:29:57,548 -I hear him downstairs going-- 830 00:30:00,019 --> 00:30:01,221 -What is he doing? 831 00:30:01,756 --> 00:30:02,892 What is he breathing, bitch? 832 00:30:02,992 --> 00:30:03,460 Living? 833 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,230 Enjoying his house? 834 00:30:05,731 --> 00:30:08,002 And you hear it from upstairs? 835 00:30:08,537 --> 00:30:10,173 And it annoys you that much? 836 00:30:10,273 --> 00:30:12,043 He's not even in the same room with your ass, 837 00:30:12,512 --> 00:30:15,182 and you wanna regulate how he lives his life downstairs? 838 00:30:15,751 --> 00:30:17,353 What is the noise he makes? 839 00:30:18,523 --> 00:30:19,324 -I don't even know. 840 00:30:19,425 --> 00:30:20,861 It's like a woof. 841 00:30:20,961 --> 00:30:21,929 -A woof? 842 00:30:22,029 --> 00:30:24,000 [Laughter] 843 00:30:24,100 --> 00:30:24,802 -Are you-- 844 00:30:24,902 --> 00:30:26,238 Okay, you are okay. 845 00:30:26,338 --> 00:30:27,608 You are insane. 846 00:30:27,708 --> 00:30:28,911 [Laughter] 847 00:30:29,011 --> 00:30:29,479 My bad. 848 00:30:29,579 --> 00:30:31,381 Is it like a woof? 849 00:30:32,250 --> 00:30:34,120 With his mouth or his asshole? 850 00:30:34,220 --> 00:30:35,389 Where is the noise coming from? 851 00:30:35,490 --> 00:30:36,626 [Laughter] 852 00:30:38,964 --> 00:30:41,502 Do you know about this noise you make, sir? 853 00:30:42,538 --> 00:30:43,406 What's downstairs? 854 00:30:43,507 --> 00:30:44,943 Are there games downstairs? 855 00:30:45,043 --> 00:30:46,479 -I really don't know. 856 00:30:46,579 --> 00:30:47,448 -You have no idea. 857 00:30:48,048 --> 00:30:50,353 He's like, "Bitch, I ain't never heard of this problem. 858 00:30:51,088 --> 00:30:54,161 Why you wait till the public for us to work this out?"” 859 00:30:54,829 --> 00:30:57,869 Okay, how long you been together? 860 00:30:57,969 --> 00:30:58,536 You married? 861 00:30:58,636 --> 00:30:59,939 How long you been married? 862 00:31:01,174 --> 00:31:01,843 -30 years. 863 00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:02,445 -30? 864 00:31:02,545 --> 00:31:03,780 What's wrong with you? 865 00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:04,748 Are you insane? 866 00:31:05,817 --> 00:31:06,318 He's downstairs. 867 00:31:06,419 --> 00:31:07,655 Let him live his life. 868 00:31:08,424 --> 00:31:10,159 Okay, I'm gonna turn it back to you. 869 00:31:10,527 --> 00:31:12,363 And first of all, men never answer. 870 00:31:12,464 --> 00:31:13,165 They're always-- 871 00:31:13,265 --> 00:31:13,967 They're pussies. 872 00:31:14,067 --> 00:31:14,702 They're scared. 873 00:31:14,802 --> 00:31:16,171 Keep it real. 874 00:31:16,271 --> 00:31:17,774 What does she do that drives you nuts? 875 00:31:17,875 --> 00:31:20,647 Not a big deal to the world, but it is a big deal to you. 876 00:31:24,020 --> 00:31:24,422 Don't be scared. 877 00:31:24,522 --> 00:31:25,189 Look at me. 878 00:31:25,289 --> 00:31:26,693 [Laughter] 879 00:31:26,793 --> 00:31:27,661 Nothing? 880 00:31:28,362 --> 00:31:30,132 [Laughter] 881 00:31:31,235 --> 00:31:32,604 He said, "I'm terrified. 882 00:31:32,704 --> 00:31:33,974 I'm not going to say anything."” 883 00:31:34,307 --> 00:31:35,343 You men are pussies. 884 00:31:35,444 --> 00:31:36,879 They've never answered this question. 885 00:31:37,448 --> 00:31:38,249 One last couple. 886 00:31:38,349 --> 00:31:39,184 Where's the last couple? 887 00:31:39,284 --> 00:31:40,453 In the back? 888 00:31:41,055 --> 00:31:41,522 Okay. 889 00:31:41,622 --> 00:31:42,824 Who's your partner? 890 00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:44,496 Where are they? 891 00:31:44,596 --> 00:31:46,332 -I was pointing at her. 892 00:31:46,433 --> 00:31:47,735 -Who are you pointing? 893 00:31:47,835 --> 00:31:48,704 Why are you being a snitch? 894 00:31:48,804 --> 00:31:50,840 She can answer for herself. 895 00:31:52,344 --> 00:31:54,982 Okay, behind you behind the T shirt. 896 00:31:55,818 --> 00:31:56,352 Right here. 897 00:31:56,453 --> 00:31:57,554 You too. 898 00:31:58,155 --> 00:31:58,790 Behind. 899 00:31:58,890 --> 00:32:00,193 What's your name in the T shirt? 900 00:32:00,293 --> 00:32:01,161 Parker? 901 00:32:02,063 --> 00:32:03,132 Yes, behind you. 902 00:32:03,500 --> 00:32:04,568 You two are a couple. 903 00:32:04,702 --> 00:32:06,672 What does he do that drives you nuts? 904 00:32:09,344 --> 00:32:10,312 -I don't know yet. 905 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:11,749 -How long you been dating? 906 00:32:13,820 --> 00:32:14,555 How long you been dating? 907 00:32:14,655 --> 00:32:16,224 -A month and a half. 908 00:32:16,324 --> 00:32:17,661 -A month and a half? 909 00:32:17,761 --> 00:32:19,264 I get a lot of new couples at my shows. 910 00:32:19,364 --> 00:32:22,336 I love the way you guys are so hopeful that she'll work out 911 00:32:22,738 --> 00:32:24,442 to come watch me and make you laugh. 912 00:32:24,542 --> 00:32:26,278 Okay, last couple right here. 913 00:32:26,378 --> 00:32:27,380 Ma'am, what is-- 914 00:32:27,481 --> 00:32:28,750 You guys have been together forever. 915 00:32:30,019 --> 00:32:31,021 No, really? 916 00:32:31,221 --> 00:32:33,125 How long you been together? 917 00:32:33,225 --> 00:32:34,360 -A year and a half. 918 00:32:34,461 --> 00:32:37,000 -Oh, love. 919 00:32:37,100 --> 00:32:38,503 Okay, what does he do? 920 00:32:38,603 --> 00:32:39,838 One thing that drives you nuts. 921 00:32:39,938 --> 00:32:42,243 Not a big deal to the world, but it drives you crazy. 922 00:32:42,343 --> 00:32:43,211 What does he do? 923 00:32:44,582 --> 00:32:46,586 You bitches are such liars. 924 00:32:46,686 --> 00:32:47,988 There's no way. 925 00:32:48,790 --> 00:32:49,358 You all. 926 00:32:49,459 --> 00:32:50,527 Anybody here a couple? 927 00:32:50,627 --> 00:32:51,730 -We're a couple. 928 00:32:51,830 --> 00:32:52,330 -Where? 929 00:32:52,431 --> 00:32:53,065 Right here? 930 00:32:53,165 --> 00:32:54,001 Okay. 931 00:32:54,101 --> 00:32:54,502 Look at me. 932 00:32:54,602 --> 00:32:55,236 Look at me. 933 00:32:55,336 --> 00:32:56,337 Okay. 934 00:32:56,439 --> 00:32:57,941 What does he do that drives you nuts? 935 00:32:58,042 --> 00:33:00,947 Big deal to you, but not a big deal to the world overall. 936 00:33:01,047 --> 00:33:01,716 -Oh, I have a list. 937 00:33:01,816 --> 00:33:02,316 -Okay. 938 00:33:02,417 --> 00:33:03,653 [Cheering] 939 00:33:04,187 --> 00:33:07,861 Well, sweetie pie, we ain't got time, so give me one, okay? 940 00:33:08,630 --> 00:33:11,402 -He leaves food in the kitchen sink. 941 00:33:12,203 --> 00:33:15,411 -And waits for you to clean it out for him? 942 00:33:15,511 --> 00:33:16,512 How long you been together? 943 00:33:16,612 --> 00:33:17,782 -13 years. 944 00:33:17,882 --> 00:33:18,883 -Bitch. 945 00:33:20,252 --> 00:33:21,523 You deserve to die alone. 946 00:33:21,623 --> 00:33:22,892 That is your life. 947 00:33:23,092 --> 00:33:24,127 That is your life. 948 00:33:24,628 --> 00:33:27,568 When it's over a decade, that's how you live. 949 00:33:27,668 --> 00:33:28,736 That's your pattern. 950 00:33:29,070 --> 00:33:31,007 The domesticity, that's how you do it. 951 00:33:31,743 --> 00:33:32,944 Where'd you guys meet? 952 00:33:34,281 --> 00:33:34,882 -Uh, Grindr. 953 00:33:34,982 --> 00:33:35,784 -Grindr. 954 00:33:35,884 --> 00:33:36,586 [Cheering] 955 00:33:36,686 --> 00:33:38,623 Hey, keep it real. 956 00:33:39,959 --> 00:33:42,865 Speaking of Grindr, I've always said-- 957 00:33:42,965 --> 00:33:44,468 I've been saying this joke for so long, 958 00:33:44,568 --> 00:33:45,637 but now it's come to fruition. 959 00:33:45,737 --> 00:33:46,972 I have said it for a long time. 960 00:33:47,239 --> 00:33:49,845 If my husband and I, God forbid, do not work out, 961 00:33:50,212 --> 00:33:52,785 and I go back out there dating, when I'm out there, 962 00:33:53,185 --> 00:33:54,187 I'm gonna eat pussy. 963 00:33:54,287 --> 00:33:56,793 I'm not doing this again. 964 00:33:56,893 --> 00:33:58,061 I don't have the energy. 965 00:33:58,563 --> 00:34:00,434 My whole life revolving around men. 966 00:34:00,534 --> 00:34:01,535 I can't do this anymore. 967 00:34:01,836 --> 00:34:06,044 And women, we could be gay on vacation, 968 00:34:06,144 --> 00:34:09,117 drive down Vagina Valley, and come right on back. 969 00:34:09,317 --> 00:34:10,286 Nobody cares. 970 00:34:10,386 --> 00:34:11,388 No judgment. 971 00:34:12,090 --> 00:34:17,033 But men, once you jump off a cock cliff, you live there. 972 00:34:17,133 --> 00:34:18,135 You can't come back. 973 00:34:18,570 --> 00:34:19,538 I'll change the locks. 974 00:34:19,638 --> 00:34:20,640 Your male ain't here no more. 975 00:34:20,741 --> 00:34:21,943 Only one dick sucker in my house. 976 00:34:22,043 --> 00:34:23,413 I don't have that kind of confidence. 977 00:34:23,513 --> 00:34:24,715 [Laughter] 978 00:34:27,386 --> 00:34:30,059 What are the positives about me being single now? 979 00:34:30,159 --> 00:34:30,961 The positives? 980 00:34:31,295 --> 00:34:33,866 I don't have to pretend I like Nina Simone anymore. 981 00:34:33,966 --> 00:34:34,968 [Laughter] 982 00:34:36,639 --> 00:34:37,708 It's depressing, sir. 983 00:34:37,808 --> 00:34:39,210 This bitch has had a rough life. 984 00:34:40,346 --> 00:34:41,347 I'm tired of that. 985 00:34:42,751 --> 00:34:45,757 My husband loves all kind of depressing music. 986 00:34:46,324 --> 00:34:49,832 I can have cereal for lunch and dinner if I want to. 987 00:34:49,932 --> 00:34:51,936 I'm not worried about him eating anymore. 988 00:34:53,038 --> 00:34:54,808 I don't have to lie anymore. 989 00:34:54,908 --> 00:34:57,681 And people who are together for a minute, you know that you lie. 990 00:34:57,781 --> 00:34:59,585 You have to lie to keep it together. 991 00:34:59,685 --> 00:35:02,524 Example, he was stationed at Camp Pendleton, 992 00:35:02,824 --> 00:35:05,930 the Marine base in California, for like 35 minutes. 993 00:35:07,066 --> 00:35:08,235 And he was telling me about it. 994 00:35:08,669 --> 00:35:13,012 The way that I had to pretend I've never been to Camp Pendleton, 995 00:35:13,245 --> 00:35:14,080 I don't know where it is. 996 00:35:14,180 --> 00:35:17,220 Okay, I'm like, "Is that the one-- 997 00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:18,288 Is that the Navy? 998 00:35:18,388 --> 00:35:19,691 Is that near San Diego?"” 999 00:35:22,229 --> 00:35:24,267 I have a fucking parking space at Camp Pendleton. 1000 00:35:24,367 --> 00:35:26,639 You understand how many times I have been there? 1001 00:35:26,739 --> 00:35:27,941 [Laughter] 1002 00:35:28,710 --> 00:35:31,114 But you can't tell because men want the vagina 1003 00:35:31,449 --> 00:35:32,784 fresh out the plastic. 1004 00:35:32,884 --> 00:35:34,320 They don't want to know that anybody else has seen it. 1005 00:35:34,421 --> 00:35:35,423 [Laughter] 1006 00:35:37,495 --> 00:35:38,496 Oh, God. 1007 00:35:39,330 --> 00:35:43,405 Next time around, I do have, not a request, 1008 00:35:43,506 --> 00:35:46,579 but the thing about the hubby is that the sex was fun, 1009 00:35:46,946 --> 00:35:48,683 but it was too romantic. 1010 00:35:49,685 --> 00:35:50,787 It was very loving. 1011 00:35:50,887 --> 00:35:52,791 It was always "The Notebook". 1012 00:35:52,958 --> 00:35:58,135 It's always, I love you and you love me. 1013 00:35:58,235 --> 00:36:01,675 I said, "Every now and then, I need for you to almost kill me. 1014 00:36:01,775 --> 00:36:03,011 [Cheering] 1015 00:36:03,111 --> 00:36:05,451 I don't wanna die, but rough it up in the bedroom 1016 00:36:05,551 --> 00:36:06,953 just a little bit."” 1017 00:36:07,053 --> 00:36:08,589 Every now and then, the next morning, I wanna be confused. 1018 00:36:08,689 --> 00:36:09,692 [Laughter] 1019 00:36:10,026 --> 00:36:11,729 Should I call the cops or call him again? 1020 00:36:11,829 --> 00:36:13,331 Give me some mystery, you know what I mean? 1021 00:36:13,432 --> 00:36:14,401 [Laughter] 1022 00:36:15,103 --> 00:36:17,006 Because, ladies, remember, years ago, 1023 00:36:17,106 --> 00:36:18,208 we could get a nice choke out. 1024 00:36:18,308 --> 00:36:20,614 Remember, you could get choked during sex? 1025 00:36:20,714 --> 00:36:21,716 You wouldn't break up. 1026 00:36:21,816 --> 00:36:22,818 You wouldn't call the cops. 1027 00:36:22,918 --> 00:36:24,253 It'd be a fun Friday. 1028 00:36:24,353 --> 00:36:26,258 But men don't choke anymore because you're all afraid 1029 00:36:26,358 --> 00:36:28,362 of going to prison, pussies. 1030 00:36:28,463 --> 00:36:29,798 It was fun back in the day. 1031 00:36:31,602 --> 00:36:33,138 And my husband, at the time, he's like, 1032 00:36:33,238 --> 00:36:34,373 "Jackie, I'll do whatever you want. 1033 00:36:34,741 --> 00:36:38,148 You want to be choked, but I have questions and concerns."” 1034 00:36:39,017 --> 00:36:41,589 He didn't want to hurt me because I'm 5'4", and he's 6'4". 1035 00:36:41,689 --> 00:36:42,691 [Laughs] 1036 00:36:43,660 --> 00:36:46,866 And he's like, "How do I know if I choked you too much? 1037 00:36:47,199 --> 00:36:49,171 How do I know if it's too much choking?"” 1038 00:36:49,605 --> 00:36:50,741 I said, "Nigga, if I die. 1039 00:36:50,841 --> 00:36:53,479 If I die, you did it wrong. 1040 00:36:53,579 --> 00:36:55,149 You held too tight for too long. 1041 00:36:55,884 --> 00:36:58,389 If you said Jackie twice, I don't answer you back, 1042 00:36:58,490 --> 00:36:59,625 go get a suit and a lawyer. 1043 00:36:59,725 --> 00:37:00,694 You committed a homicide. 1044 00:37:00,794 --> 00:37:01,796 It's murder. 1045 00:37:01,896 --> 00:37:03,098 You're going to jail."” 1046 00:37:03,198 --> 00:37:04,200 [Laughter] 1047 00:37:05,268 --> 00:37:08,476 And advice for anybody who's hearing me doing this choking joke 1048 00:37:08,576 --> 00:37:11,348 and you want to go home tonight and choke your partner, 1049 00:37:11,549 --> 00:37:13,084 just so you know, sex choking, 1050 00:37:13,184 --> 00:37:17,093 whether you are on top or behind them, it is a one-hand activity. 1051 00:37:17,193 --> 00:37:18,663 One hand, okay? 1052 00:37:18,763 --> 00:37:19,932 [Laughter] 1053 00:37:21,702 --> 00:37:23,238 It was going well with one hand, 1054 00:37:23,338 --> 00:37:25,342 but if he decides to bring hand number two 1055 00:37:25,610 --> 00:37:28,783 from the back like that, you better be like, "We good? 1056 00:37:28,883 --> 00:37:29,885 You all right? 1057 00:37:29,985 --> 00:37:31,188 You want to come? 1058 00:37:31,355 --> 00:37:32,357 I love you."” 1059 00:37:33,058 --> 00:37:36,264 Because it could go from date night to Dateline really fast. 1060 00:37:36,364 --> 00:37:37,333 [Laughter] 1061 00:37:37,434 --> 00:37:38,436 I don't want you to die. 1062 00:37:41,442 --> 00:37:44,649 I'm going to be a better lover next time around. 1063 00:37:45,249 --> 00:37:47,454 With this one, I was a pillow princess. 1064 00:37:47,554 --> 00:37:48,556 I'll keep it real. 1065 00:37:49,357 --> 00:37:52,363 When you have somebody in really great shape, when it came to sex, 1066 00:37:52,464 --> 00:37:54,401 I'll keep it real, I didn't do anything. 1067 00:37:54,502 --> 00:37:55,470 I just showed up. 1068 00:37:55,570 --> 00:37:56,572 [Laughter] 1069 00:37:56,839 --> 00:37:57,841 I was happy to be there. 1070 00:37:57,941 --> 00:37:59,143 I had pom-poms. 1071 00:37:59,243 --> 00:38:00,046 I wrote a song. 1072 00:38:00,146 --> 00:38:01,315 I made a charcuterie board. 1073 00:38:01,416 --> 00:38:02,450 I'm a wonderful host. 1074 00:38:02,550 --> 00:38:03,553 [Laughter] 1075 00:38:03,786 --> 00:38:05,790 But I wasn't sweating or any energy, right? 1076 00:38:06,024 --> 00:38:07,192 And here's the thing. 1077 00:38:07,292 --> 00:38:09,898 I think women, overall, we should fuck our men 1078 00:38:09,998 --> 00:38:11,602 the way they make love to us. 1079 00:38:11,702 --> 00:38:13,005 They deserve it. 1080 00:38:13,105 --> 00:38:14,541 Every now and then, give them what they need because-- 1081 00:38:14,641 --> 00:38:15,643 [Laughter] 1082 00:38:15,743 --> 00:38:19,017 She was like, "Never,"” 1083 00:38:19,117 --> 00:38:20,118 okay? 1084 00:38:20,218 --> 00:38:21,221 [Laughter] 1085 00:38:22,023 --> 00:38:23,893 So, one night, I decided to get up there 1086 00:38:23,993 --> 00:38:25,864 and give my husband what he deserves. 1087 00:38:25,964 --> 00:38:27,835 And I'm the one in charge. 1088 00:38:27,935 --> 00:38:29,170 I'm the one doing him. 1089 00:38:29,571 --> 00:38:30,874 And I couldn't get through it. 1090 00:38:31,008 --> 00:38:34,849 I needed a five minute break, a granola bar, a Red Bull. 1091 00:38:35,550 --> 00:38:37,987 I said a small prayer if I could get through it. 1092 00:38:40,092 --> 00:38:41,127 In the middle of the whole thing, 1093 00:38:41,428 --> 00:38:43,967 I wanted a five minute break so I could get a rest. 1094 00:38:44,267 --> 00:38:45,470 In the middle of it, I'm like, 1095 00:38:45,803 --> 00:38:47,440 "You don't hear that noise downstairs? 1096 00:38:47,540 --> 00:38:48,542 You don't wanna go check? 1097 00:38:48,642 --> 00:38:49,845 [Laughter] 1098 00:38:50,780 --> 00:38:51,782 You're not warm? 1099 00:38:51,882 --> 00:38:52,918 You don't want to break for water? 1100 00:38:53,018 --> 00:38:54,220 You don't want to hydrate? 1101 00:38:55,757 --> 00:38:56,759 I smell smoke. 1102 00:38:56,859 --> 00:38:57,827 I don't feel safe. 1103 00:38:57,927 --> 00:38:58,897 [Laughter] 1104 00:38:58,997 --> 00:39:00,533 There's a fire."” 1105 00:39:00,633 --> 00:39:01,835 [Laughter] 1106 00:39:03,940 --> 00:39:05,510 My husband, he's a romantic one. 1107 00:39:05,610 --> 00:39:06,779 You know, I'm aggressive. 1108 00:39:06,879 --> 00:39:07,948 This job made me aggressive. 1109 00:39:08,315 --> 00:39:10,052 So, I would go see him after shows, 1110 00:39:10,152 --> 00:39:12,591 and he would try really hard with the romance. 1111 00:39:12,691 --> 00:39:15,897 He'd have the strawberries all laid out with the whipped cream. 1112 00:39:16,499 --> 00:39:17,735 And I'm like, "Oh. 1113 00:39:17,835 --> 00:39:18,837 I'm 53. 1114 00:39:18,937 --> 00:39:20,138 I can't do dairy."” 1115 00:39:20,238 --> 00:39:21,407 [Laughter] 1116 00:39:21,509 --> 00:39:24,614 I'm like, "You wanna fuck or you wanna hear me fart?"” 1117 00:39:24,714 --> 00:39:25,717 [Laughter] 1118 00:39:25,817 --> 00:39:28,021 Anyway, guys, I am Jackie Fabulous. 1119 00:39:28,121 --> 00:39:30,226 Thank you so much. 1120 00:39:30,392 --> 00:39:31,628 [Cheering] 1121 00:39:44,922 --> 00:39:46,592 [Music] 1122 00:39:46,692 --> 00:39:49,363 [Crowd Chanting, "Jackie"]