[Music and Cheering]
Downloaded from YTS.BZ
-Bronx, New York, I want you to show love to Jackie Fabulous!
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ
[Cheering]
-What's up, New York?
[Cheering]
How many of you took an Uber here?
Uber or Lyft?
I'm going broke because I refuse to get on the subway.
I Lyft or Uber everywhere.
I used to be a subway girl.
Back in the day, be on there 4 AM with no problem.
I stopped because the subway's now the purge.
[Laughter]
And I'm scared.
I lived in LA for like 20 years,
and when I moved back to New York in 2019,
I had to relearn New York.
I'm like, "Who's the mayor?"”
Some bald, black dude named Eric who wears more jewelry than I do.
I don't know who this nigga is.
[Laughter]
And he was gonna fix the crime, right?
And NewYorkPost.com had a quote from the mayor,
how he was gonna fix all the crime.
Quote, no LOL, no happy face, he really said this.
He said, "There'll be no more sleeping on the subway.
There'll be no more smoking on the subway.
There'll be no more doing drugs on the subway."”
[Laughter]
Then he said, "There'll be no more
doing barbecues on the subway."”
Who in the fuck is barbecuing on the subway?
Show yourselves.
And Mr. Mayor, is that why you decided
to have a plan to fix the crime?
Like all the people getting thrown off the platform
and getting robbed, he's like, "Whatever.
Is that bitch making brisket?
[Laughter]
How dare she."”
I am born and raised in Bronx, New York, and yeah, BX all day.
[Cheering & Applause]
And you don't really know until you travel.
Like, I'm born and raised in Bronx, New York,
but my side chick is California.
I love it out there, you know?
But you don't know until you leave New York.
We have a reputation for being very honest, very truthful,
some say rude, right?
And you don't know until you leave New York and go to California
that you might actually be a bitch.
[Laughter]
It's a different personality out there.
Because California's not about the truth.
California's about horoscopes, and hiking, and kale, and avocado,
and traffic, and Mexican food, and weed.
That's all of California.
I was there for a long time, okay?
And my bitchiness came out because I was volunteering
for an organization in LA, downtown LA,
trying to give back, right?
And my bitchiness came out because some of the unhoused,
the homeless in LA, downtown LA, you know it's really horrible,
some of them have gotten bougie.
You should have standards, but they're a little bit--
They have headshots and shit.
They get a little bit bougie.
And I was at the Panera Bread station to give food out
to those who needed it.
And the line was down the street, right?
And I'm gonna get my own bag of Panera when this is done
because I'm also hungry.
So, these guys are on the line, and I get my first client.
I give him the bag of Panera Bread, and he opens it up,
and he says, "I'm not really into scones."”
[Laughter]
I say, "You smell like piss, sir."”
[Laughter]
Take this goddamn scone and get the hell off of this line.
Then, the one after him had a complaint.
You know, he's like--
I gave him a bag, he opened it up.
He said, "I would really prefer plain bagels."”
I said, "I prefer a man have on pants when they speak to me."”
We both lost today, sir.
Take this goddamn bagel and get the hell off of this line.
I'm going to be 54 in August.
I know.
I'm so, I'm so old.
I'm so old.
It's almost over.
It's almost a wrap.
-No!
[Laughs]
-You're like, "No, it just started."”
Yeah, all right.
Tell my niece that, bitch, okay?
It just started.
And young people, like, I love the Gen Z generation.
I don't know why everybody hates you guys.
I love you.
I'm popping on TikTok.
I part my hair down the middle.
I love you guys.
I need you.
Young people, I have some young girlfriends,
and they make fun of me now that I'm older.
You know, they think they're being cute.
They're like, "50s, Woo-hoo!
How is your back?
Are your knees okay?
Can you see me?"”
Fuck you, I'm not dying.
It's just a birthday.
You gotta know the value, though, of having older girlfriends.
I had some older girlfriends in LA
and my mentor teach me about life.
They are the ones you go to for honesty, okay, older women.
I had a girlfriend, I still have her,
a girlfriend who was a little bit older.
She adopted a baby later on in life.
We were all shocked.
We're like, "Girl, you ain't got no time to raise a baby."”
But we're watching her struggle, but she was doing a good job.
Then, she texted me a picture with a little girl on her phone,
and I'm like, "Who's this little bitch?"”
And she said, "I'm going to adopt a little girl next."”
We're all like, "You lose your current son at least once a week."”
[Laughter]
You know what her response was?
"Jackie, we always find him."”
[Laughter]
We want that kind of honesty, you know what I'm saying?
When you're younger, sex is kinda dangerous, you know?
Because I was a very fertile woman.
Up until my late 40s, very fertile.
And sex is stressful when you're fertile.
How fertile was I?
I was pregnant every Friday.
[Laughter]
I had a good life, you know what I'm saying?
And you gotta tell yourself when you're young and fertile,
any man puts his hands on you could ruin your life.
You gotta be careful.
You gotta have that thought in your head like,
"Jackie, before you give this guy some,
just so you know, he might be homeless.
[Laughter]
He could be a great dad.
You don't know.
Give it a try."”
[Laughs]
When you're young, if you get caught having sex on tape,
you get really upset.
You're like, "I want to get a job.
I want to go to college."”
When you're older, you get caught on tape having sex.
I'm like, "You taped us doing it?
You should have told me.
I'd have got my hair done."”
Hey!
My first sex tape.
What?
[Laughter]
God.
Young people, y'all love modern bathrooms.
You love all the dangerous points, and corners,
and the dangerous, what you call the counters and stuff.
Older people, we need a lot to feel comfortable in a bathroom.
Like example, getting older is traumatic.
That is first of all.
I work hard to make it funny, but getting older can be a lot.
You look in the mirror, things are always changing, right?
When my husband and I would be on tour together
and go to our hotel bathroom,
if our hotel bathroom had a bench inside the shower,
don't you get extra horny when you see that bench in the shower?
[Laughter]
Don't let it have a bench and those metal bars
on the wall, okay?
Because he's like, "I'm going to fuck the shit out of you."”
I'm like, "Why?"”
"I have help now.
I have handles.
I have a seat.
I'm putting you in the hospital, bitch, tonight.
You know what I mean?"”
[Laughter]
Sex needs things as you get older.
You know how men, you try to hit it from the back,
and your little footsies keep slipping?
[Laughter]
You need socks that have the grips on them.
You need grips on the bottom of your socks.
[Laughter]
Sex changes as you get older.
I am going through menopause.
Yay!
[Cheering]
[Laughter]
I like to educate the younger whores
so you can see your future.
Because I'm your future.
What is menopause like?
I have to wear a life vest at night so I don't drown
in my own night sweats.
If I get thirsty, I have all this water.
I also have a small cup of water underneath each titty
that I can sip from if I need to.
[Laughter]
Menopause.
People like to ask the difference between menopause and PMS.
What's the difference?
PMS, I had really bad PMS.
Like, I would have thoughts like,
"Jackie, you should stab him in the face."”
[Laughter]
But you'll go to jail, so you tell yourself don't do it.
But menopause is like, "Stop being a bitch.
Here's a knife, go stab him in the face."”
[Applause]
A lot of voices in my head.
I got the menopause weight gain happening.
I've either gained four or 45 pounds.
I'm not sure which one it is.
Because you know what?
I'm touring, I'm around the world,
and I'm eating all the foods, and I'm enjoying it,
but my blood pressure is like 3,000 over 40.
I don't want to die.
Because you know, when it comes to fitness,
I don't want to participate.
[Laughter]
I'm just being real, keeping it honest.
Cause I used to like be really insecure,
and I'm not as much now.
I'm a little bit arrogant, okay?
I look in the mirror, I'm like,
"Jackie, you are still killing the game.
You know why?
You are not scooter fat."”
You know what scooter fat is?
[Laughter]
You ever see the lady in the cereal aisle in the scooter
just sitting there reading all the ingredients on the boxes?
You can't get around this bitch?
[Laughter]
You ever see the Scooter family?
You be the husband and the wife that's rolling around together?
They're usually in the casino blocking all the slots.
[Laughter]
Because I used to have a fat mentor.
I had a fat leader for decades.
We all had it.
Who was it?
Oprah!
Oprah was my fat mentor.
And then, she said, "Fuck you, fatties, I'm rich,"”
and got small the faster way.
Now, I'm in the gym all confused.
Because I want my own TV show.
That's what I've been working hard for.
I almost got one.
That's the goal.
[Cheering]
Thank you.
Stop.
But I have been told I have the wrong look.
They said I'm not big enough.
Clearly, I'm not small.
But women who are big always have their own TV shows.
I mean like big times 40, right?
There was a show on, the white lady, TLC,
"My 500-lb Life", been on forever.
Another show on TV, "1,000-lb Sisters".
I'm like, "How big a bitch gotta get to get on television?"”
And you know what's sad?
I could do it, too.
Give me a weekend and a few pies.
I could get there.
Cause there's a certain--
Remember, there was a diet pill out in the days.
Remember Ephedra?
Y'all was wrong.
Remember Ephedrine?
Shit was fantastic.
It was heroin in pill form.
And you could get it anywhere, right?
And I wasn't a comedian.
I had an office job popping that pill.
I lost so much weight, co-workers gave me an intervention.
They're like, "Jackie, you went from a size 16
to a size 8 in a week.
That is not the gym at lunchtime.
You are smoking crack."”
[Laughter]
And I would have died.
Losing weight that fast, I would have passed away.
But I'd have been snatched in that coffin.
I'd be in that box like, "Mmm.
[Laughter]
She gone, but she look good."”
[Laughter]
With menopause and the hot flashes, things are different.
You know, like for me to get moist--
[Laughter]
Was that a man's voice or was that--
For me to get moist--
Oh, that's an old man.
Hey, auntie, how are you?
For me to get moist--
People hate that word.
You hate the word moist, is that what it is?
You do?
Moist, man, moist, moist.
I'm kidding.
[Laughter]
For me to get moist for sex, all the elements gotta be perfect.
All the stars gotta align.
For me to get moist now, I can't be hot.
I can't be cold.
[Laughter]
I can't be hungry.
I can't be full.
Who fucks when they're full?
Nobody.
I don't care how horny you are,
you don't do it when you're full.
I want the room dark.
Are you hiding, bloodstained?
I can't see shit.
You're black, I'm black.
I need a nightlight, a lamp, be able to see an escape route.
I don't feel safe.
[Laughter]
I want the room quiet, but not serial killer quiet.
You ain't got no neighbors.
You ain't getting no texts.
I don't hear any birds.
[Laughter]
Don't try and do it when you know it's about to rain.
We're both in our 50s.
We have one good knee between us.
You know we can't when it's about to rain.
[Laughter]
I don't have any kids, you know, and I get sad every now and then,
but I realize it's not my ministry,
it's not my path in life.
I used to watch Joel Osteen before he got weird.
[Laughter]
And he had the same Bible story on Sundays at 10 AM,
almost every Sunday.
He's like, "There was a woman,
and she really wanted to be a mom, but she was barren.
She was sterile.
[Laughter]
Then, when she turned 85, the Lord blessed her with a baby."”
I'm like, "Bitch, the Lord hated you.
That is not a blessing."”
[Laughter]
I don't care how much faith you have,
nobody wanna be pregnant at fuckin' 85.
[Laughter]
Menopause has made me kind of bratty or--
The things that used to make me happy irritate me now.
Like HGTV used to be my joint.
I'd watch it all the time.
But now that I'm older and I really want to be a homeowner--
I'm going to be.
I'm going to be a homeowner.
But I can't watch what's going on.
I'm tired of the designers, and the contractors,
and the plumbers.
They're all too fucking attractive.
[Laughter]
When you were young, living at home with your parents,
somebody came over to fix anything, were they ever cute?
-No.
-No, right?
I want to see a plumber named Bruce.
I want to see the crack of his ass.
He got to be 300 pounds, drink too much, missing teeth.
He might steal, just had a heart attack,
on the verge of a divorce.
That's what I want to see fixing shit.
I'm sick of this.
Because men aren't gross anymore.
Men are like, they're groomed like we are.
Remember back in the day, men had one soap, right?
They had one soap for their hair, and their back,
and their balls.
And now, they're all in our shit, asking, "What's this?"”
It's a $100.
Put that shit down.
[Laughter]
I need you men to go back to your Irish spring.
Get the fuck out of our stuff.
[Laughter]
I'm tired of this.
They're too curious.
It's annoying me now.
Menopause makes me tell the truth,
and men don't like the truth.
My husband, he was like, "Jackie, would you ever cheat on me?"”
And I honestly answered him.
I'm like, "I don't have time."”
[Laughter]
He didn't like that answer.
How the hell is that a bad answer?
If we cheat, we don't get caught.
I don't cheat, but if I wanted to, it's very easy.
We add cheating to our daily itinerary.
We don't do it the way you guys do it, okay?
We're like, "I'm going to get my hair done, my nails done,
dry cleaning, I'm going to blow David,
and then I'm going to go see this movie
and hang out with my girlfriend."”
We just dip it into the schedule so it doesn't get weird.
You know why men get caught?
You leave your phone at fucking Chipotle.
That's why you get caught.
You have no charger.
Your phone dead for 14 hours.
It's a weird thing with men.
That's why you always get caught.
You're not prepared, you know?
[Laughter]
Can I get a napkin?
I feel like I need a napkin.
Thank you, sir.
Aw.
Is that your husband?
[Laughter]
You two are together.
You're friends.
It's okay.
It's all right.
2025.
Y'all can all just do it together, the three of you.
It's a different world now.
[Laughter]
So, I am--
I am a--
This word is hard for me.
I am a statistic.
Why?
I'm in my 50s and my marriage is over.
Yeah.
Who say what?
What'd you say?
What'd you say, I just got married?
I know, bitch.
That's the point.
That's why I'm sad.
Yeah, almost three years.
-Woo!
-I don't know what you're wooing about, but--
Um, yeah.
My marriage is over, and I'm dealing with that.
I might cry while I'm up here, so please support me.
I'm very sad about it, but, you know.
And this is my second failed marriage, so I'm killing the game.
You know what I mean?
Second failed marriage.
Oh, God.
Um.
Marriage is over, and I'm trying to recognize the patterns
so I don't repeat this again.
What are the patterns?
My first husband and this husband, they're both Aries.
I know, right?
They're both 6'4", and they're both failed athletes.
That's what I seem to attract.
A PSA for the failed athletes.
Men, please stop playing full court anything
after 30 years old.
I am sick of this shit.
Stop playing full court basketball after 30.
I don't care if you were a star in high school or college,
the Knicks ain't gonna call you, okay?
Please stop.
You ever watch the men in New York?
They take it very seriously.
They play full court games.
I'm like, "Why do you have breakaway pants?
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
[Laughter]
You're not on the team."”
If I hear one more torn ACL story, I'm gonna kill myself.
Every man has a torn ACL story.
Show of hands, torn ACL men?
See, one on the back.
Anybody over here?
Achilles?
I'm sick of it.
Stop playing sports.
Yeah, I have a--
I probably need to go for a short king.
I probably, I need to try a short king.
But I get sad.
I'm like, I'm 5'4".
I don't want a fucking elf.
[Laughter]
I need a taller guy.
[Laughter]
Now, if you were to ask me, like, why is my marriage over?
I'll keep it real.
I'm not a doctor, so I don't want to diagnose him,
but I would say narcissism.
But he--
[Laughter]
But he is, or he was emotionally abusive and not nice to me.
He wasn't the guy I thought he was.
So, I'm like, I don't have a kid with him,
so I can get the fuck out of the house and move.
So, I left.
[Cheering]
Thank you.
I want you ladies to know that you can leave, you know?
[Cheering]
Gotta get out before it gets too late, you know?
You want to know why it's really over?
He stopped performing oral sex on me.
-Aw.
-I should have him killed, right?
That's worthy of dying.
Because before we got married--
I think he tried to trap me.
Before we got married, he did everything beautifully.
He'd make me dinner.
He used to be down there all the time.
He used to live down there.
He bought one of those hats
that have the coal miner light on the front.
[Laughter]
That's how much he was down there,
always burrowing down there.
And then, when we got married, he stopped.
And you know what I've read now that I'm researching narcissism?
I've heard that a lot of men target women like me,
plus size, fat, chubby, whatever you want to call it,
because they don't think that we're a threat,
and we can get a boyfriend or get the man we want.
And he doesn't understand.
I am a threat, okay?
I'm a huge--
I have ruined many marriages.
I am a threat.
[Laughter]
Every work husband I've had, fucked them in the coffee room.
You should be worried about me.
[Cheering]
Don't underestimate the chubby chick.
We can ruin your family, okay?
We can take your family apart.
[Laughter]
You know how they say a hoe
can't be turned into a housewife?
Just because he's hung, don't mean he should be your husband.
That's my lesson from all of this.
[Applause]
Now, let me shoot down the dream to some of you
who want to get married one day.
I want to tell you all the truth.
Marriage.
I'm going to get married again.
I'm not sour towards love.
I'm going to do it again.
I don't care.
[Cheering]
But this time around, I have to marry a man
who has something, who has shit.
I can't do this again.
Example, and lesson for the guys out here.
Gentlemen, if you want a woman to come over your house
and you want us to stay there, and we want to stay there,
but your houses need help.
Example, gentlemen, if you don't have a nice fridge in your home,
you have to have ice trays.
You can't just freeze a fucking bowl of water.
[Laughter]
And then when it's time for a cocktail,
you gotta go get an ice pick and a hammer.
And why do you have an ice pick?
Also, my husband, he didn't have any garbage cans.
He put the garbage in plastic bags
and had them on doorknobs around the house.
What is a trash can, like $4?
The amount of water that men leave on the bathroom counter
when you're done.
What the fuck is happening in the bathroom?
Are you raising koi fish in there?
[Laughter]
Then, you got the hair in the sink guessing game
I have to play.
Is that beard hair or ball hair?
I don't know.
It's the same texture, and it's always there.
[Laughter]
And were you masturbating by the microwave?
Why is the lotion in the kitchen?
I don't know why men don't put shit back when they're done.
[Laughter]
My husband, good cook.
I enjoyed him cooking every now and then.
But my observation with men overall
is that when it comes to cooking,
men don't seem to know how to stir.
You ever notice men don't stand there like we do?
Like, women, we will fry you guys bacon,
taking hot grease in the face without a problem.
[Laughter]
Men are very set it and forget it.
My husband, he'll put raw fish on a frying pan, and then he'll--
over an open fire, and then he'll go to Home Depot.
Where the fuck are you going?
You have to stand there, sir.
His reasoning was, "Jackie, I'm gonna let it simmer."”
It's gonna simmer.
You know what doesn't need simmering?
Fucking eggs.
Eggs don't simmer.
You can't crack two egg,
and then come try and fuck me in the back.
You'll burn the house down.
You have to stand there.
[Laughter]
I posted a video of me telling this joke online,
and this man made a comment.
He said I was about to go take a nap, and then I saw your video,
and I remembered I had a skillet full of meat on the stove.
[Laughter]
I'm not making this shit up.
This is research stuff, okay?
Without him now, it'll be nice
to keep groceries in the goddamn house.
Man, why do you eat like--
why do you eat so much?
Were you in the NFL?
I didn't see the games.
[Laughter]
Is there a parasite in every man's belly when you're born?
What the fuck is happening with how much you eat?
I put my husband on punishment.
I don't buy juice anymore.
No man deserves juice.
[Laughter]
Because men think that bottle of Ocean Spray is one glass of juice.
You greedy bastard.
It's for the whole house.
You greedy son of a bitch.
[Laughter]
He eats a lot of cinnamon.
This was a new development.
Isn't cinnamon a garnish,
like when you're putting it in coffee and shit?
Who the hell's getting lit off of cinnamon?
When we started dating, I had a bottle of cinnamon
that I have had since Michael Jackson was touring.
[Laughter]
With his brother.
You understand how long I've had this bottle of cinnamon?
And we get together, everything's always gone.
The butter's gone, there's no cheese,
there's no peanut butter, no cinnamon.
When you're single, how long does a bottle of onion powder last?
Eight and a half years, exactly.
You get a partner, every seasoning's always gone.
What the fuck are you making a rack of ribs every morning?
Where is the seasoning going?
[Laughter]
Now, I gotta ask myself, like, what's next?
You know, like, what am I gonna do next?
Who will I attract next?
I attract young guys.
[Cheering]
Like, between 30 and 43, I don't--
[Laughter]
He said, "Yeah, hey."”
[Laughter]
You know why?
Because I have the auntie face.
I remind them of their mother.
I know how to cook.
Weird shit, but young guys like me, right?
And older men like me.
Over 65, they're into me.
And it's scary.
[Laughter]
Because when you go out with an older man--
I had one guy give me a list of what's wrong with him at dinner
[Laughter]
before sex is even an option.
He's like, "So you know, I got a bad back.
I got bad knees.
I have arthritis.
I can barely see out of my left eye."”
What are we gonna do?
Pray together, sir?
You need a doctor.
You don't need sex.
You're gonna die soon.
[Laughter]
And the way they flirt is weird.
You know, one guy's like, you know, I can still--
[Chuckles]
[Laughter]
Still what?
If they never finish the sentences, it's so creepy.
All guys hit on me.
God.
And I want to do this, too.
I want to make sure I'm not petty.
So, I'm going to have you guys help me.
Because I'm divorced.
There's two now.
And I want to make sure for the next guy I'm not petty.
This is what my husband did.
Let me know if I'm crazy.
He made us pancakes.
He made my plate of pancakes, and then he left it on the table
and left for the day, right?
So, I went to go eat the pancakes,
and they were already kind of brown and wet
because he put the syrup on them for me.
-Aw.
-What in the handmaid's tale?
[Laughter]
What type of psychotic person puts the sauce on food
that they leave for you?
Isn't that weird?
And I haven't said a word.
Show of hands, should I have said anything to him?
Because I got an ulcer now holding it in.
Really?
That's really worth it?
And the rest of you are like,
"That is not the fight you want to fight.
That is not worth it."”
There's many reasons for you to get upset.
Okay, so I'm gonna ask a few couples in the audience.
I wanna know, what does your partner do?
I call them my unreasonable relationship annoyances, URAs.
What does your partner do that is a big deal to you,
but not to the world overall, okay?
Who's a couple?
Right here?
Okay, ma'am.
Where's your partner?
I remember you guys from West Side Comedy Club
and your daughter.
You got a lot of personality in this one.
I remember you.
Okay, and that's your hubby?
-Yeah
-Okay, what does he do?
One thing that drives you nuts, not a big deal to the world,
but it is a big deal to you.
-Nothing.
-Bitch, why you raise your hand
[Laughter]
If you're not gonna work with me?
He does nothing wrong.
-31 years.
-31 years and he's perfect?
[Laughter]
Thanks for nothing, ma'am.
Any more couples out here?
You guys are not.
Right here.
Hi.
What does your--
You married?
-We're about to be.
[Cheering]
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna wish you well, even though, clearly,
I should stop getting married.
What does he do?
One thing that drives you nuts, not a big deal to the world,
but it drives you crazy, a big deal to you.
Bitch, slow down.
You were ready.
You had a--
[Laughter]
She's like, "Please, I have a list on my phone."”
Okay, what does he do?
-He puts the sponge, like the sink sponge,
on the edge of the sink.
Not in the sink, just on the edge of the sink.
-Are you insane?
[Laughter]
How long have you been together?
-Six years.
And this is something that's been happening for six years?
Have you told him about it?
-Yes.
-And he doesn't do anything?
You know why?
You're fucking nuts.
You're lucky.
You are lucky he washes the dishes, bitch.
What's wrong with you?
So, many--
Right?
[Cheering]
So, many men don't wash shit.
You worry where he leaves a sponge?
You deserve to be alone.
You shouldn't have him.
[Laughter]
Okay, I saw you trying to hide earlier, put your head down.
You two, what does he do?
Big deal to you, but not to the world as a whole overall.
Don't look at him, look at me.
[Laughter]
What does he do?
-[Indiscernible]
[Laughter]
I love doing this because my overall consensus
is women are bitches.
Okay, that's what I think.
[Laughter]
He makes this noise with what?
-I hear him downstairs going--
-What is he doing?
What is he breathing, bitch?
Living?
Enjoying his house?
And you hear it from upstairs?
And it annoys you that much?
He's not even in the same room with your ass,
and you wanna regulate how he lives his life downstairs?
What is the noise he makes?
-I don't even know.
It's like a woof.
-A woof?
[Laughter]
-Are you--
Okay, you are okay.
You are insane.
[Laughter]
My bad.
Is it like a woof?
With his mouth or his asshole?
Where is the noise coming from?
[Laughter]
Do you know about this noise you make, sir?
What's downstairs?
Are there games downstairs?
-I really don't know.
-You have no idea.
He's like, "Bitch, I ain't never heard of this problem.
Why you wait till the public for us to work this out?"”
Okay, how long you been together?
You married?
How long you been married?
-30 years.
-30?
What's wrong with you?
Are you insane?
He's downstairs.
Let him live his life.
Okay, I'm gonna turn it back to you.
And first of all, men never answer.
They're always--
They're pussies.
They're scared.
Keep it real.
What does she do that drives you nuts?
Not a big deal to the world, but it is a big deal to you.
Don't be scared.
Look at me.
[Laughter]
Nothing?
[Laughter]
He said, "I'm terrified.
I'm not going to say anything."”
You men are pussies.
They've never answered this question.
One last couple.
Where's the last couple?
In the back?
Okay.
Who's your partner?
Where are they?
-I was pointing at her.
-Who are you pointing?
Why are you being a snitch?
She can answer for herself.
Okay, behind you behind the T shirt.
Right here.
You too.
Behind.
What's your name in the T shirt?
Parker?
Yes, behind you.
You two are a couple.
What does he do that drives you nuts?
-I don't know yet.
-How long you been dating?
How long you been dating?
-A month and a half.
-A month and a half?
I get a lot of new couples at my shows.
I love the way you guys are so hopeful that she'll work out
to come watch me and make you laugh.
Okay, last couple right here.
Ma'am, what is--
You guys have been together forever.
No, really?
How long you been together?
-A year and a half.
-Oh, love.
Okay, what does he do?
One thing that drives you nuts.
Not a big deal to the world, but it drives you crazy.
What does he do?
You bitches are such liars.
There's no way.
You all.
Anybody here a couple?
-We're a couple.
-Where?
Right here?
Okay.
Look at me.
Okay.
What does he do that drives you nuts?
Big deal to you, but not a big deal to the world overall.
-Oh, I have a list.
-Okay.
[Cheering]
Well, sweetie pie, we ain't got time, so give me one, okay?
-He leaves food in the kitchen sink.
-And waits for you to clean it out for him?
How long you been together?
-13 years.
-Bitch.
You deserve to die alone.
That is your life.
When it's over a decade, that's how you live.
That's your pattern.
The domesticity, that's how you do it.
Where'd you guys meet?
-Uh, Grindr.
-Grindr.
[Cheering]
Hey, keep it real.
Speaking of Grindr, I've always said--
I've been saying this joke for so long,
but now it's come to fruition.
I have said it for a long time.
If my husband and I, God forbid, do not work out,
and I go back out there dating, when I'm out there,
I'm gonna eat pussy.
I'm not doing this again.
I don't have the energy.
My whole life revolving around men.
I can't do this anymore.
And women, we could be gay on vacation,
drive down Vagina Valley, and come right on back.
Nobody cares.
No judgment.
But men, once you jump off a cock cliff, you live there.
You can't come back.
I'll change the locks.
Your male ain't here no more.
Only one dick sucker in my house.
I don't have that kind of confidence.
[Laughter]
What are the positives about me being single now?
The positives?
I don't have to pretend I like Nina Simone anymore.
[Laughter]
It's depressing, sir.
This bitch has had a rough life.
I'm tired of that.
My husband loves all kind of depressing music.
I can have cereal for lunch and dinner if I want to.
I'm not worried about him eating anymore.
I don't have to lie anymore.
And people who are together for a minute, you know that you lie.
You have to lie to keep it together.
Example, he was stationed at Camp Pendleton,
the Marine base in California, for like 35 minutes.
And he was telling me about it.
The way that I had to pretend I've never been to Camp Pendleton,
I don't know where it is.
Okay, I'm like, "Is that the one--
Is that the Navy?
Is that near San Diego?"”
I have a fucking parking space at Camp Pendleton.
You understand how many times I have been there?
[Laughter]
But you can't tell because men want the vagina
fresh out the plastic.
They don't want to know that anybody else has seen it.
[Laughter]
Oh, God.
Next time around, I do have, not a request,
but the thing about the hubby is that the sex was fun,
but it was too romantic.
It was very loving.
It was always "The Notebook".
It's always, I love you and you love me.
I said, "Every now and then, I need for you to almost kill me.
[Cheering]
I don't wanna die, but rough it up in the bedroom
just a little bit."”
Every now and then, the next morning, I wanna be confused.
[Laughter]
Should I call the cops or call him again?
Give me some mystery, you know what I mean?
[Laughter]
Because, ladies, remember, years ago,
we could get a nice choke out.
Remember, you could get choked during sex?
You wouldn't break up.
You wouldn't call the cops.
It'd be a fun Friday.
But men don't choke anymore because you're all afraid
of going to prison, pussies.
It was fun back in the day.
And my husband, at the time, he's like,
"Jackie, I'll do whatever you want.
You want to be choked, but I have questions and concerns."”
He didn't want to hurt me because I'm 5'4", and he's 6'4".
[Laughs]
And he's like, "How do I know if I choked you too much?
How do I know if it's too much choking?"”
I said, "Nigga, if I die.
If I die, you did it wrong.
You held too tight for too long.
If you said Jackie twice, I don't answer you back,
go get a suit and a lawyer.
You committed a homicide.
It's murder.
You're going to jail."”
[Laughter]
And advice for anybody who's hearing me doing this choking joke
and you want to go home tonight and choke your partner,
just so you know, sex choking,
whether you are on top or behind them, it is a one-hand activity.
One hand, okay?
[Laughter]
It was going well with one hand,
but if he decides to bring hand number two
from the back like that, you better be like, "We good?
You all right?
You want to come?
I love you."”
Because it could go from date night to Dateline really fast.
[Laughter]
I don't want you to die.
I'm going to be a better lover next time around.
With this one, I was a pillow princess.
I'll keep it real.
When you have somebody in really great shape, when it came to sex,
I'll keep it real, I didn't do anything.
I just showed up.
[Laughter]
I was happy to be there.
I had pom-poms.
I wrote a song.
I made a charcuterie board.
I'm a wonderful host.
[Laughter]
But I wasn't sweating or any energy, right?
And here's the thing.
I think women, overall, we should fuck our men
the way they make love to us.
They deserve it.
Every now and then, give them what they need because--
[Laughter]
She was like, "Never,"”
okay?
[Laughter]
So, one night, I decided to get up there
and give my husband what he deserves.
And I'm the one in charge.
I'm the one doing him.
And I couldn't get through it.
I needed a five minute break, a granola bar, a Red Bull.
I said a small prayer if I could get through it.
In the middle of the whole thing,
I wanted a five minute break so I could get a rest.
In the middle of it, I'm like,
"You don't hear that noise downstairs?
You don't wanna go check?
[Laughter]
You're not warm?
You don't want to break for water?
You don't want to hydrate?
I smell smoke.
I don't feel safe.
[Laughter]
There's a fire."”
[Laughter]
My husband, he's a romantic one.
You know, I'm aggressive.
This job made me aggressive.
So, I would go see him after shows,
and he would try really hard with the romance.
He'd have the strawberries all laid out with the whipped cream.
And I'm like, "Oh.
I'm 53.
I can't do dairy."”
[Laughter]
I'm like, "You wanna fuck or you wanna hear me fart?"”
[Laughter]
Anyway, guys, I am Jackie Fabulous.
Thank you so much.
[Cheering]
[Music]
[Crowd Chanting, "Jackie"]