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That's a big ol' watch, a big ol' chain A big-ass truck
I work hard, bitch
How you get the big ol' crib A bad chick with a big ol' butt?
I work hard, bitch
If I want it I'mma buy it, nigga, trust
I don't check the price, nigga I don't give a fuck…
Ladies and gentlemen, live from Yaamava' Theater,
put your hands together for Mike Epps!
I was so broke I used to think about robbing
Had a iPhone, no money, Steve Jobless
Now I got the kinda money You would call obnoxious
And I went and bought a Benz That motherfucker's topless…
What's up, Yaamava'?
Where the sexy ladies at?
Man, y'all looking good as hell out here tonight, man.
Thank y'all for coming out.
Where the Mexicans at?
Now, I got a side door just in case ICE is outside.
'Cause you know them dirty motherfuckers is out here.
"Yeah, I know where they at. They at the Mike Epps show tonight."
Yeah, man. Donald Trump fucking with the Mexicans.
I ain't had a taco in two weeks.
My taco man running now.
He's been selling his shit out the house. "Come to the house, come to the house."
But I love the Mexicans, man.
They can't keep the Mexicans out, man. They can't keep 'em out.
The Mexicans is cold. They'll come through a cloud on your ass.
I've seen a Mexican jump out of a Mexican. Motherfucker just jumped out.
I said, "Hey man, there was a Mexican inside that Mexican, man."
Donald Trump ain't shit, man. He made the Mexicans build a wall.
I better not go to jail,
'cause I won't be getting pardoned after this shit.
He's like, "No, you said some nasty things about me
at the Yaamava'."
"And I heard that shit, Mike."
He don't give a fuck, man. You know what I mean?
Half the motherfuckers that he's fucking with voted for him.
Ain't that a bitch?
Yeah!
The street niggas love Trump.
I'm telling you that right now. Drug dealers, they love him.
'Cause they crooks too. That's why they like him.
He needs to stop wearing them cheap-ass suits. I know that.
He got to be getting them suits from Macy's, man.
And his team ain't shit. He got Dr. Oz standing behind him.
What the fuck? What is his punk-ass gonna do?
They got these…
All my shit is out there on these ships. I can't even get half my shit.
I'm gonna get a boat and go out there and get my clippers off that goddamn ship.
"Man, throw them goddamn clippers off that ship."
They got a lot of stuff on them tariffs. You know, that… that tariff shit is real.
One of the first things I seen on there was hair weave.
Now, I'm gonna tell you, you hoes better load up,
because he's about to…
There about to be some bald-headed newborn chickens like…
Finna look like some onions around this motherfucker.
If Black people think we gonna get away, niggas is next.
We gonna come outside. There gonna be a bunch of boats lined up.
We gonna think it's that Carnival Cruise. We gonna come out there.
This is how we do it
"Nigga, get back on that boat."
You know Black people can't stick together. Shit.
As soon as Black people get some money, the first thing we do,
"Uh-uh, I don't wanna be around no Black people. Get them…"
"Oh no, there goes some Black people. Get them niggas away from here."
"I don't deal with no Black people."
If Black people got a spot where we eat at,
and we think we the only Black people there,
if we see some more Black people come,
"Oh, there goes our spot right there."
"They done fucked our spot up."
"This ain't y'all's spot."
That's messed up, man. I thought Diddy was getting out, man.
I thought he was getting out.
Yeah, that's fucked up, man.
They got Diddy on a… not a RICO charge, but a Freak-o charge.
The man is in jail for being a freak, man.
If they found out some of the shit I did, I'd be in an electric chair now.
All the late-night midget bitches I done fucked all over the United States.
Man, they would've let Diddy out early,
but they had him on camera with that towel running out of there.
Kicked Cassie in the foot and ran back in the room.
I said, "See, that's what sent him to jail right there."
Yeah, I was never invited to the Diddy parties.
I used to see him, but he never invited me.
'Cause I know I'd have had my dick out somewhere in that par…
"There goes Mike Epps."
"I'm telling you, he in this room right here. Come here."
Everybody in here a freak.
If they put a red light on everybody's head,
this whole place would light up.
You know, I don't feel sorry for the girls who got drugged.
'Cause they were drinking free drinks. That's where the drugs is at.
You want some free shit? Come on.
Let me get some of this free drug punch.
It's got to be fucked up to be famous, man, and locked up.
They probably walk up to Diddy all the time, man,
"What's that one song y'all did, uh, uh?"
"Damn! Oh, yeah. You and Faith Evans, man."
You know what fucks me up? White people think we all the same.
Black people, they don't know us from a can of paint.
I'm sitting on a plane with an older white lady.
I'm just sitting. Everybody's speaking to me, "Hey, Mike Epps, Mike Epps."
She's sitting right next to me. She said, "Who are you?" I said…
I said, "Chris Brown." I said…
I said, "Yep, Chris Breezy. That's me."
She said, "Oh, I knew I knew you."
I said, "Yep, that's me. I'm Chris Brown on my way to do a show right now."
And she must've been on the phone with her daughter
telling her daughter she's sitting next to Chris Brown.
And I could tell the way she was looking.
Her daughter must have said, "That is not no fucking Chris Brown."
"Whoever that man is, is fucking lying to you."
Because she started looking at me on the phone like this.
I said, "Whoever on the phone with you, let her know I'm Chris Brown."
Yeah!
There's some beautiful ladies in here tonight.
Where the beautiful ladies at? Where the beautiful ladies?
There's some ugly bitches in here too.
Yeah, some ugly bitches snuck in too.
I can't stand for a ugly motherfucker to play hard to get.
Hell, you hard to want. Shit.
Let me tell you something. If you're ugly… work out. Go to the gym.
And stay clean.
And I'll fuck you.
Yeah. Just 'cause you look good don't mean you smell good.
I done had some fine fishy hoes in my motherfucking lifetime.
You know what I'd do? I'd turn that seat heater on.
And when I smell a fish filet frying, I'll tell you, "Get up out of here!"
Women always think we gave them something. "My coochie's itching."
"You done drank a case of Pepsi."
"Pepsi will itch your pussy up too."
"Look, there's a bump. There's a bump."
"Bust it. There's Pepsi in it."
Yeah. New generation pussy busted Pepsi.
Every man in here thought he had AIDS at least once.
Come on, fellas. Let's admit it.
We done fucked some woman raw and couldn't sleep for two years.
Where you at?
Sitting there self-diagnosing yourself. "Yep, that's me right there."
"Can't sleep, diarrhea, headaches. I'm dead."
You start going to the gym. "I'm gonna run this shit out of me."
You ever fucked a girl raw
and couldn't sleep for two years after that?
You just kept calling, looking at the shit,
and then you just call the girl.
You know, like, you can't call a girl if you fucked a girl raw
and ask her the next day, "Do you have AIDS?"
No, you gotta say… …"Boy, I'm glad you were clean."
And if she don't say nothing,
you're like, "Hey, did you hear what the fuck I just said?"
I don't know how people get in these long, fucked up relationships
because you ought to be able to tell on the first date.
Serious. People tell you who the fuck they are.
Like, you're sitting there with a woman and you just say, "Girl, you crazy."
If she say, "I know. Everybody say that."
It's time to get the fuck out right now.
"Let's stop right now. Don't order nothing else. Let's go."
Same with you ladies. You're sitting there with a guy. Y'all sitting there.
This motherfucker got diamonds on, got a big Rolls-Royce.
You're like, "So what do you do?"
And he's like, uh… uh… "Yeah, I got a lawn care service."
And you done got excited, and you finna get indicted.
Both of y'all going to jail. He's a drug dealer.
What's up with these girls with these big-ass BBLs
that come with the teeth too?
Got the ass and the…
Is that a package? The booty and the teeth come together?
Looks like baby shoes in their mouth.
What the fuck?
And I don't know what it is. The finer the woman, the broker they are.
Beautiful and poor as hell.
No, that's real shit. And all the women that look like Kodak Black bank account,
these hoes got 413CKs.
Is that what they call it? I don't know what the fuck it is.
I didn't get the education I was supposed to get,
but I fucked around and got famous.
So you're looking at a slow guy that made it.
'Cause I didn't go to fucking… I don't… My… my… my math is fucked up, you know?
And common sense has helped me survive in my life.
I don't know if you have any, but, uh, common sense helped me survive.
Serious.
'Cause I remember when I first got in the business, man,
and I had this accountant, and they was handling my money,
but I really wasn't good at math.
And I just used to say, "Yeah, yeah, I understand,"
but I didn't understand.
I said, "So how the fuck can I get them to stop stealing my money?"
So you know what I did? They had a big-ass meeting one day.
I was sitting in the meeting. I just dropped a gun out of my pocket.
"Sorry about that. I didn't mean to drop that."
"I hope you guys have a great evening."
Right then I said, "They'll never steal nothing else."
"If they were stealing, they ain't gonna steal again."
"'Cause I'mma shoot the shit out of you if I find out."
There's all kind of beautiful women in here.
We got white, Spanish. We got all kinds…
I've been with Black women my whole life. I'mma just give it up.
You know what I'm saying? That's all I've ever been with.
And I'm tired.
Y'all have wore me out.
You heifers have took, uh, millions of dollars from me.
No, I'm serious.
That's all I've ever been with was Black women, man. Yeah.
And if anything ever happens, which I pray and hope not,
that I'll never have to deal with another Black…
I'll get an Asian woman that don't speak English.
I'm tired of this shit.
And all she gonna say is, "Oh, Mike, your dick is too big, nigga."
"You hurt a bitch, bro."
"Oh, your dick is too big, nigga."
I'mma say, "Go on and turn that green tea on
like I asked you to earlier today."
There's a lot of guys in here sitting with their-- I don't know if it's your wife,
your… your woman, your girlfriend, or whatever it is,
but I just wanna tell you your position with her.
I don't care how much money you got. That's your caretaker.
That's right. These women are your caretaker.
They might as well hold your arm while you walk.
'Cause these women take care of us. These are our caretakers.
I'mma tell you something. Caretaker--
Yeah, that's right.
Women are caretakers.
Your money ain't shit if you ain't got nobody to help you take care of it.
Ain't that right, ladies?
You need somebody to take care of that money, man.
And that's why God gave them a little bit more sense than us.
God made them a little smarter, a lot more smarter than us.
A lot of us are real slow when it comes to…
Most of us… All of us…
…are usually dumb as a motherfucker when it come to women.
All right? Now, women don't tell you you're dumb
'cause they know that'll shatter your life.
That'll fuck your life clean up.
But they will tell their friends.
When they're on the phone with their friends, and you're not around,
that's what they say,
"This is the dumbest motherfucker that I've ever met."
"God, he's dumb!"
"Girl, let me tell you what his dumbass did last night."
"Big dum-dum has just walked in. I'll call you back."
They got all kind of nerve.
"Goofy's home. I'll call you back."
We don't even know they're saying this shit about us.
You know what else they say about us? This is one that'll fuck you up.
They tell you this in your face. "Wow."
"Really? Wow."
That means you are the dumbest motherfucker that…
Ladies, you wanna hear what we say about you?
-You wanna hear it? -Yeah!
"Shut the fuck up."
Go get some Ozempic or something. No, I'm just playing.
Oh, oh, oh, it's magic
T-d-d-da-d-da
See, they don't want to hear that shit. They mad now 'cause I said that.
Women have asked God to fuck you up for them.
You ever hear that?
"God, please get him in the name of Lord Jesus."
"Hallelujah, get this nigga."
That's what women say.
"Oh boy, you in trouble. God don't play about me. You… You…"
"Karma's coming back on your ass right now."
"God don't play about me."
"That shit you did to me yesterday, God is coming. I'm telling you."
"I didn't do nothing but use your products."
"You gonna put God on me 'cause I used your products?"
Women break up with a man and just go the fuck on with their life.
You be looking at them like,
"You're supposed to be fucking hurt like me."
No, they go golfing and shit.
That's what women do. When they break up with a man,
they go start doing new shit you ain't never seen them do.
Go get a haircut. Gotta look like a rooster now.
You're like, "What the fuck?"
This new guy got you looking crazy as fuck.
We don't know how to go on with our life.
We start picking scumbag bitches to be our wife.
You don't want your wife to see your new wife. "Oh, God."
"You went backwards."
"This new bitch you got make me feel like I shouldn't have never dealt with you."
"She looks horrible."
When you break up with your woman,
it gives your friend a chance to say all the shit he been wanting to say.
"Fuck her, man."
"Shark-faced bitch."
You go, "Hey, hey, hey! I still love her. Relax, man."
"We still got a chance."
Women are powerful as hell.
They know how to turn the whole fucking house on your ass.
Kids ain't talking to you.
Even the dog wasn't playing. I said, "Fuck you too, you little bitch."
"All the chicken bones I done gave your punk ass."
The whole family be in one bedroom.
You got the house to… the rest to yourself.
You see 'em bringing food from the kitchen. "Love you, Daddy."
"We're praying for you."
You in the living room hungry and lonely as hell.
Ain't no TV on. Nothing.
And if you don't get with nobody,
you just go to the Whole Foods and just stand there
with a whole bunch of other lonely-ass men at the hot bar.
There ain't no food at the house.
I'mma tell y'all something you may not know about me.
When I was young, I fucked a lot of older women, man.
That was one of my things.
A lot of my aunties' friends, I fucked 'em.
One of my aunties had a friend named Nell, and boy, I was nailing her.
And she told me, "You better not tell." I said, "I ain't gonna say shit."
"Don't you… don't you say nothing."
"That's the key."
I've been watching a lot of Black men try to figure out how to survive.
And one of the hustles and one of the great survival tactics is
getting a white girl.
And when I see brothers with white girls,
it look like they're holding onto a life raft in the ocean.
And it look like they're floating.
No chance of drowning.
You and a white girl just hit… …hit a big wave.
Hold on to the white girl.
That's right.
Yeah.
Because especially if you got a white girl and y'all are in the car,
police pull you over, "Handle that, Sarah. Just go out… get out of the car."
White girls are mean to the police.
"Why are you pulling us over?"
Black girl gets out,
they're gonna hit that bitch in the head with a billy club, lock her up,
take her to the county jail.
That's another reason why Black guys date white women.
You ain't gotta fucking pay rent when you live with them.
They feel so guilty about all the shit that happened to Black people.
That's why they don't charge you rent when you live with them.
You can pay a white girl the rent in dick.
I'mma give you $3,500 worth of this dick to clear the water, lights, everything.
Black women come to your goddamn job looking for your check. You working.
Shanini is outside in the parking lot.
"Who the fuck?"
She in the parking lot. "I'm waiting on the check."
"Can I get the fuck off work first?"
Black women, white women, all different kinds of ethnicities.
They're all different. A white woman, you can cheat on her. She won't get mad.
She'll say, "Okay, that's it. You need help."
"You really do. You need help."
"I get it."
"Someone fucked you when you were a kid. Now you wanna fuck everybody else."
You're like, "Hey, when did I tell you that?"
"I get it, Raymond."
The Black people are dying laughing. The other ethnicities are in here like…
"This really goes on in their culture?"
"It's a lot of trauma."
Look like the city of Compton is in here tonight.
Yeah.
'Cause that's what I attract. I attract all kinds of different types of people.
That's my group right there.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
-Yeah. -I'm gonna have your baby.
I don't give a fuck what you wanna do.
I'mma tell you what ain't gonna happen.
I love you too.
All these years, I thought I was getting women off my looks.
Nope, I've been spending money the whole time.
I'm a fucking trick.
'Cause that's what I do. First off, I buy you a purse.
Yeah, I buy you a purse.
Then I buy you a car.
Then I take you traveling. "Yeah, you wanna go traveling?"
"Only in the United States, though."
"I'll take you to Florida or somewhere. You haven't earned a passport yet."
Then I get engaged to you.
Then I marry you.
Then you catch me cheating and take me to court,
take everything I got.
In that order.
'Cause I'mma tell you some real shit. Women cheat in their head.
You know what I mean?
They think about who they wanna fuck.
If you could see the men that your woman is fucking in her head,
you would get rid of her right now.
You'll be like, "Melvin, the fucking UPS man?"
This nigga got the nice legs with the box.
"I'mma kill his ass in the morning."
"Melvin, you're dead."
And I'm looking at all the people in here, you know what I'm saying?
And I don't like to pick on white people,
but I think all white people are the police.
That's right. All white people are the fucking police.
'Cause they can get 'em there quicker than you.
I was at the… uh… I was at the, uh, Sporting Goods, Dick's Sporting Goods,
and a Black dude had all his shit up there.
He got his shit at the counter,
paying for his shit, got all his shit up there.
He told the lady, "Hey, man, I gotta grab something else."
She said, "If you get out of the line, you see it's a long line,
I gotta let the rest of…"
He said, "Ma'am, relax. I'm going right there."
He… She said, "Man… Sir, if you do…"
So he got mad. He was like, "That's bullshit."
Man, there was a white dude standing in line,
and he had nothing to do with it.
He said, "Calm down, buddy."
I said, "Oh, shit."
So the Black dude got mad. "Motherfucker, you ain't got nothing to do with this."
I said, "Oh, here the shit go."
Do you know the fucking white guy pulled some handcuffs out of his pocket?
And I don't know what it is about Black people,
but sometimes we just get relaxed with the… when the police…
We just… He just put his arm, and he said, "Man, I ain't do nothing."
Do you know this fucking white guy put the handcuffs on this dude
and pulled his regular phone out and called the police?
So everybody was like, "Wait a minute, he ain't the fucking police."
So the dude started going crazy.
He's like, "Motherfucker, take these handcuffs."
Police show up 15 deep.
Guns out, police everywhere.
Locked the white guy up for being a fake cop.
Did you see… did you see that shit?
Locked him up for impersonating the police.
I'm looking for the Black guy, I… I said, "Where's the Black guy?"
He's still in handcuffs in the car.
They've been looking for this motherfucker for ten years.
I said, "It's hard to help a fugitive, man."
I'm telling you, man.
You know what's crazy? I've been thinking… I thought I was Black all these years.
I'm 55 years old. I'm thinking I'm a Black… I'm a Black man.
I've been calling white people "crackers"
and all kinds of shit I ain't supposed to be saying
about white people.
I go to Africa. I ain't never going back over there again.
'Cause I'm thinking I'm Black.
Man, I'm getting my bag and two African dudes over there.
That motherfucker said, "You… They not like us."
I said, "Who ain't like y'all?"
He's talking about me.
I said, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
He said, "No, you're not like us." I said, "Who am I like?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "Oh, that's some bullshit."
I said, "I'm a Black man from Amer…"
He said, "No, no, no, no, no."
"You need to go do your ancestry.com…
…to tell a little more about who you are."
I said, "Okay, I'mma go do it." Smart ass motherfucker. I'mma go do it.
I went and did it like a fucking dummy.
You know how they got the box to show you the ethnicity?
White man popped up in the second box.
I'm white.
Look at my nose from the side. That ain't no nigga nose.
I look like the man on the dime. Look at the little white man on the dime.
I've been talking all this Black power shit,
and I'm white as hell.
Ain't that a bitch?
You know, the crazy thing about life, man,
a lot of people think they're going to heaven, and they're not.
Especially old people.
They swear up and down 'cause they lived a lot of years,
they're going to heaven.
Yeah.
"Oh, good Lord waiting on me." "No, you did some shit in the '40s."
"He gonna get your ass. You ain't getting away with that."
"Think you finna outlive your sin?"
That sounds like some cabbage and shit over there.
Yeah, you ain't getting away around this motherfucker
'cause people be talking about, "Oh, man, he's in a better place."
Like hell is empty.
Yeah.
And you're gonna get to heaven.
You're gonna get up there and see a lot of people that didn't get in,
like your friend's grandmother, Miss Turner.
"Miss Turner, what did--" "Oh baby… baby, I don't know what happened."
"And I looked at Jesus. He seen me and kept going in there."
"You've seen the Bible ministry that I do."
Mental health is real. I'm telling you, man.
Mental health is fucking real.
And if you know anybody having mental health problems, man,
be really patient with them.
You know? 'Cause it's really real, you know,
and they need people that love them, you know?
It's like, I had a friend call me the other day. He was sad and shit.
I said, "What's wrong?"
He said, "I don't wanna do it no more." I said, "Hey, man,
we ain't gonna… we don't do that. You know what I mean?"
"We got… we got faith in God. We're gonna stay strong."
"We're gonna give ourself another day."
You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
Yeah, we don't give up that soon. You only get one life.
We ain't giving up in this life.
He said, "It's time to go, right?" I said, "Yeah." I was talking to him.
'Cause I know what he was going through,
so I put some money in… I… I sent him some money and shit.
And I called him the next day. I said, "How are you doing?"
He said, "A lot better."
Two weeks later, his wife called.
"Oh, man, Ray don't want to do it no more."
I said, "Oh God, here we go."
I said, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let… let him do it this time."
"I'm tired."
"I'm tired. He's tired."
"You're tired."
"The earth ain't a place for him. Let him go on."
"Everybody don't do well here. I'm tired of it."
And I don't have no more "save you" money to save no more lives.
I thought I was having a heart attack.
I'm lying on the ground. Paramedics and shit.
This is real shit. I'm on the ground.
Something told me to look up.
I seen the police. I said, "Wait a minute. No, no, no, no, no, no."
"I didn't call y'all. Get y'all's ass out of here."
"Don't start that shit right there."
'Cause while I'm on the ground, they're in the house searching for shit.
Them niggas in the back.
They find something.
"We're gonna get it after this. We got you. Look what we got right here."
"When they're done with you, we'll look at what we got, so let 'em…"
Now, I might, you know, be shining up here
and, you know, trying to look like something,
but I ain't always, you know, had a little gloss to me, y'all.
I… I started off dusty, you know?
Yeah, I started off real dusty.
That's why they're talking about cutting them food stamps off.
I been there. I had mine cut off a long time ago.
I've been on food stamps, then got cut off and all that shit.
I grew up with a social worker coming to our house.
Some white lady come in there, and your mother, "Y'all go play."
You stay to listen to your mother. Your mother be cussing her out.
"Bitch, I don't have to tell you nothing about my personal life."
Back in the day, if you was on food stamps,
you couldn't have a man at your house.
So your uncle be over there, and the social worker show up.
"Get out of here, Tony." You see your uncle running out.
The lady, "We seen a man in your house."
"We're gonna cut your food stamps."
That's crazy as a motherfucker, man.
You know, I started off working jobs. I had a lot of jobs, you know.
I worked at Hardee's. You ever heard of that?
Yeah.
That's some Midwest shit, yeah.
I worked at Hardee's.
I worked… Every job I worked at, I sold drugs on it.
So I was the weed man on all my jobs.
And the boss would wonder why I had more than the rest of the employees.
When you sell drugs on a job, you can give out credit till Friday.
Then I graduated.
That's how I was doing.
I was working at 7-Eleven. I was bagging groceries and shit.
And my friends that started selling crack was coming in the store buying baggies.
You know the little sandwich baggies?
They was coming in there buying baggies.
They had jewelry on. They was laughing at me.
"You still sacking groceries?" I was like, "What y'all doing?"
See, I had no business selling drugs 'cause I was a Jehovah's Witness.
How do you go door-to-door to car-to-car?
Yeah, I didn't have no business… My mother didn't know I was selling crack.
I was so excited to sell crack, and I didn't know what I was doing.
'Cause I was watching the videos and shit.
I was listening to N.W.A. And I was like, "Oh, I'm getting in this shit."
And my big brother, John, he just kept saying,
"Yeah, I got a black suit for you."
I'm like, "For what?"
He's like, "Nigga, you gonna get fucked up."
But don't forget I was a Jehovah's Witness,
so I was a nice drug dealer.
That's why the drug addicts liked me.
You know, I was real nice. I felt sorry for the people that I was selling dope.
Before I gave it to 'em, I'd say, "You really need to change your life."
And then I'll sell it to them. "Give me the money anyway."
Somebody else is gonna get the money.
And one time I sold it to an informant.
It was a club called M&J's. It was like a nightclub.
And I had just copped.
I had just got my… You know how when you first cop?
I just spent my money on my dope. I bagged it up.
And I'm sitting over in the car at the park, and I sold some dope.
The dude… Something told me, "Don't sell this shit to this motherfucker."
'Cause he… he was moving too fast.
He's like, "Come on, I gotta get… I gotta get up out of here."
And I sold it to him, man.
And as soon as I sold it to him, and I got out the car,
the motherfucking narcos rolled up on me.
Took me to jail
for dealing in possession of cocaine over seven grams.
And if you Google "Mike Epps mug shot" on your phone right now,
you will see where I caught that case. 1990.
Look at the picture.
I'mma give you a second.
Oh, you ain't got no phone?
Imagine me in 1990.
When you get home, Google that shit.
Yeah, I'm sitting there, man. The motherfucker got…
Uh, and I kept trying to tell the drug officer.
I'm like, "Man, I… I'm… I'm a user."
He said, "No, you ain't no user." I said, "Yes, I am. I use drugs."
He said, "No, that was too much for a user."
"You was selling it."
So the guy who set me up was a drug addict too. They couldn't find him.
They was trying to make him come to court to testify on me,
but they couldn't find him.
So I went from 20 years to 8 years.
They suspended five,
and I did two years in the Marion County Jail in my hometown.
Two years in the Marion County Jail.
And I'm sitting up in the motherfucking jail, man, and I'm…
I'm… I don't look that much different than I do now.
I ain't had no hair on my face, had curly hair.
I'm sitting in there with some real goons.
And that story about don't drop the soap and the predators,
that shit's real.
I'm sitting up in the jail, and a dude just walked up to…
I don't know what the fuck…
This motherfucker looked like a swollen snake. He was big.
He just walked up on me and said, "I'mma hit you in your throat."
I said, "What the fuck? What?"
"Nigga, I ain't even did nothing. I… I don't even know you."
I guess he wanted to… he was trying to fuck me.
That's how they do it. They…
They bully you,
and then if you let them bully you, they bully you.
So he… I guess he thought he was trying to set me up for that.
I said, "Oh, I gotta figure something."
I kept saying to myself,
"I'mma bite this nigga if… if nothing else."
A bite is a bad motherfucker, yeah.
Somebody get you on the ground, bite 'em. They're getting up.
I'm biting the shit out you, nigga.
Big Mac style.
Wherever you got me on the ground, I'm biting the fuck out of you.
Nigga didn't know I was finna use my mouth on that nigga for real.
I'm sitting up in the jail. I'm… I'm like, "Damn." Boy, I'm nervous as hell.
And I seen a dude, man, named Louie.
He was big. He looked crazier than the other dude.
And he said, "Mike?" I said, "Louie?"
And he was a drug addict.
This dude, Louie, on the street, he was a drug addict.
On the street, he was real shriveled up. He was dirty.
But in jail, when he get his rest, and he's eating and working out,
he looked like a monster.
And I said, "Louie?" He said, "Mike, what you doing here?"
I said, "Man, I was trying to sell some dope and got caught."
He said, "Man, you know you ain't the type of person who's supposed to be in here."
He said, "How's your sister?" He knew my sister.
He said, "How's Julie doing?" I said, "Man, she's doing good."
He said, "Man, if you have any problems…" I said, "I got one right now."
I said, "God is good, nigga, and I got favor. You hear me?"
"I got favor."
He said, "Who?"
I said, "He's standing over there right now."
He said, "Point him out." I said, "No." I said, "He just… uh… he's looking at us."
'Cause I didn't know if I pointed at him…
I said, "I ain't pointing at him. He's over there."
Man, he went over there and whispered in the dude's ear.
And when he backed up, he came back to me. He said, "Yeah, Mike, check this out."
"The dude right there, he's a… he's a bully, but he's a bitch."
"He ain't supposed to look at you, talk to you, walk past you."
I said, "Oh, thank you."
So the whole time I was in jail,
this other dude was walking past me like this…
I said, "Oh Lord, what the fuck did he say to him?"
Thank you.
So, you know, I got out of jail.
I started sleeping on my sister's couch. I ain't had nowhere to stay.
You know, I just had a new baby, which is my daughter Bria.
My oldest daughter.
You know, if I could do anything in the world, man,
if I could explain to my daughter that I was a kid when I had you,
I wasn't gonna be a good dad. You know what I mean?
Sometimes it takes years for you to become a good dad.
You know? It's called babies having babies.
And when your baby is mad at you
'cause she don't realize you was a baby when you had her.
-So it take time to grow. -Yeah.
So I had my daughter. I'm sleeping on my sister's couch.
I ain't got no education.
I ain't got no job.
Selling motherfucking drugs. I ain't got no money.
I owe a couple drug dealers money in the city.
I'm lying on the couch, and I'll never forget my baby mama.
She had an auntie named Janet, real sweet.
Used to come to Indiana from Atlanta.
She said, "Mike, hear you're having a hard time in Indianapolis."
"If you ever need to get out of Indianapolis and move to Atlanta
and change your life, you can stay with me."
So I… I said, "Okay, I'm gonna hold you to that, Janet."
Meanwhile, they got a comedy competition on the radio.
"Come to next week's comedy competition here at Club Seville's."
And I'm… I got two buddies, a buddy named Otis Brown, Gary Bates.
They betted me.
They said, "Mike, you funny around here. You funny in jail, you all that shit."
"But I bet you can't go up there and be funny in front of people."
I said, bet.
We go to Club Seville's. They bet me $500.
When we walk in the club, it's a bar and grill.
Nothing but street motherfuckers in there. There's smoke everywhere.
I'm standing in the back getting drunk.
I said, "I'm scared as a motherfucker. I'm gonna tear their ass up."
I'm in the back getting drunk. They're booing everybody off the stage.
I get up on the stage. I make everybody laugh.
Boom! Everybody laughing.
First time I went on stage.
The next week, my name was on the radio.
"Come next week, Club Seville's. Mike Epps, new comedian."
So now the whole city coming up to me. "Man, I heard you on the radio."
"You doing your comedy?" I said, "Yeah, I'm doing my comedy."
I'd invited my mama, my neighborhood, everybody out the next week.
I went and got a suit, had the tie, everything.
As soon as I walked up in the club, I seen two dudes I owe some money to.
I said, "Oh, Lord."
That fucking radio done told everybody to come up here.
They like, "I know where to find his ass at that comedy show next week."
Two motherfuckers I owe money to, so I'm nervous now.
Do you know I went up on that stage and bombed?
Everybody booed me off the stage.
Wasn't funny.
I'll never forget. I'm riding down the street.
I'm riding down Michigan Street.
And, uh, I'm crying 'cause I'm like, "Damn. I…"
I didn't… I… I've been a failure since the first grade.
Fuck a life. I've been failing since a baby.
You know how that feel to keep failing?
So I'm riding, and I… and I called my baby mama's auntie.
When she came, I said, "Janet,"
I said, "remember when you said I can come to Atlanta?"
"I'm ready to get away from here. I'm trying to be a comedian."
She said, "Mike, I got bad news." I said, "What?"
She said, "Mike, I got married."
She said, "I got married. I got a new husband. He's different."
"He ain't as cool as, you know, I thought he was."
I went anyway. I said, "Fuck that shit."
I went and bought a bus ticket from Greyhound.
My sister gave me $85 in food stamps.
That's when you could rip them out of the little book.
I had $85 of food stamps.
And I had a .38 that had a pin in it fucked up.
And it skipped like this. Click, click, wow!
Click, click, click, wow!
So if you stayed for them clicks,
it was gonna pop you on the third one.
So you can stay there and look at the raggedy-ass gun if you want to.
It's gonna pop.
So by the time I get to Atlanta, I called Janet on the phone.
So I said, "Janet, I'm in Atlanta."
She said, "Mike, it's 3:00 in the morning. What you doing in Atlanta?"
I said, "I came anyway."
She said, "I told you you couldn't come down."
I said, "Janet, I'll tell you what."
"In the morning, come pick me up and take me to the Salvation Army."
I was gonna… I… This is how…
I wanted to change my life that bad
that I told her, "Come pick me up, take me to the Salvation Army."
"I'mma sleep with the homeless people
'cause I just wanted to get the fuck away from Indiana
'cause I knew I was gonna die or go to prison."
I said, "I got a talent."
I found my… I found my talent, which was comedy.
I knew I was going to get down there.
So she was riding with me.
And we're riding down 85, and she started crying.
And, uh…
…she said, "Mike…"
She said, "Mike, I can't take you to… I can't take you to the homeless."
"I can't take you there."
She said, "You can come and stay with me, but my husband works second shift."
"You can't come out the basement till 3 o'clock."
So I'm in the basement hiding like Anne Frank.
I hear the TV on. I hear people walking, but I can't move yet.
About two weeks then went past.
I done snuck upstairs, man, and he hadn't went to work.
I come up out the basement.
I got a pair of boxer drawers on and a bowl of cereal.
And when he turned around, he said, "Who the fuck is you?"
I said, "I'm Janet's nephew." He said, "I don't know no Janet's nephew."
So he called her on the phone. She talked to him.
Me and him sat down.
I said, "Hey, man, I'm just trying to save my life."
I told him everything I was trying to do.
The man let me live with them for a whole year.
Got me a job.
So a whole year went past. I got my tax check.
And I claimed one of my nephews on it, so I could get an extra $500 on there.
You know how back in the day you can claim somebody on the check?
I claimed my nephew on the taxes, got an extra $500.
T.K. Kirkland, a comedian named T.K. Kirkland.
You heard of T.K.? T to the motherfucking K?
He said, "You a bad motherfucker, man, but you ain't gonna make it in Atlanta."
"Where I got to go?"
"You either gotta go to Hollywood or New York."
I said, "I'm going to Hollywood."
He said, "You ain't ready." He said, "You need to move to New York."
The next week I was gone to New York.
He had a manager about this big named Dave Klingman.
Looked like a little Jewish dude. Looked like Danny DeVito.
I went to New York, and I met him at Port Authority.
He picked me up,
took me all around New York, started taking me in comedy clubs.
The first comedy club I went in,
my man Royale that's directing the show, he was hosting it.
It was snow all on the ground. It was right in Brooklyn.
He… After he took me to the comedy club, he said, "Man, you good."
"But you need… you need a little work,
so you're gonna have to go back to Indiana."
I'm sadder than a motherfucker. I gotta go back to Indiana.
I'm crying 'cause I know it's over with. I done failed again.
On my way back there, every white person got a Black friend.
Not every white person,
but a lot of you motherfuckers got Black friends.
This little Jewish dude had a Black friend named TC.
And TC, he said, "Man," he said, "I wanna introduce you to somebody."
'Cause I was talking shit. I'm from the hood and shit.
I done called the white men, three, four white men, all kind of shit.
"I'mma introduce you to somebody." So he introduced me to TC.
TC was a professional squatter. He knew how to squat.
He… he became friends with real rich white people
and squatted at their house while they're gone out of town.
So he was letting me live in these white people's house
while they was gone.
He's like, "Get out of here by Tuesday." I'm in the white people's house.
Donny Lalonde… There was a boxer named Donny Lalonde.
I'm in his apartment, right? I'm down in SoHo.
I'm living in his apartment, but they're selling the apartment.
I'm lying in the motherfucker on an… on an air mattress.
Me and a girl lying in there.
And the lady walks in to show somebody the…
"Oh God!"
I said, "I'm getting out of here. I ain't supposed to be in here."
The first show that I ever did in New York was called New York Undercover.
I don't know if you remember New York Undercover.
But it had Malik Yoba and another little Spanish dude.
Yeah, then I did Showtime at the Apollo.
Remember Showtime at the Apollo?
But I… I came as an entertainer, and you know who I was on the show with?
Destiny's Child. That's…
They wasn't even nobody yet.
They got out of an old raggedy-ass limo. They walked up in the thing.
We was all dusty. I'm telling you some real shit.
This early '90s. We all dusty. Ain't nobody got shit.
Man, I did the Apollo then I got on Def Comedy Jam.
I did Def Comedy Jam.
Then I got on the Def Comedy Jam Tour.
I said, "Oh, man, I gotta go now. I gotta… It's time to go to LA."
So I took a bus from New York to LA.
Took seven days to get to here.
I called a buddy named Red Grant. I said, "Man, I'm out here."
He said, "Man, I ain't got no furniture in my house,
but you come sleep on my floor."
I went over to Red Grant's house, sleeping on his floor.
While I'm staying in the apartments, it was apartments called Watseka Trails.
I'm living in apartments over at Watseka Trails.
I ran into a little young dude, man, but he had a good-ass heart.
He was a good dude. His name was Marcus.
He was telling everybody he was my manager.
We riding around. "This… this my manager."
Uh, but I didn't know who he was. I didn't know.
People was like, "You know who that is though."
I said, "No, he's nice to me. I don't know what the fuck he do."
Man, we riding around.
Do a show at the comedy club.
We at The Comedy Store,
and when I got offstage, Marcus said, "Man, Ice Cube wants to holler at you."
When I turned around,
Ice Cube and John Singleton were standing right there.
I said, "Oh, man."
Ice Cube said, "What up?" I said, "What's up?"
He said, "Can you act?" I said, "Hell yeah, I can act."
I started auditioning for the movie.
He made me audition for that movie about seven times.
Every time I thought I had the movie, he looked at me, kept going like this…
Like, "You got the movie."
And I was looking at him like, "Thank you."
But every time I come back, it was more comedians reading for it.
I'm like, "Oh, he playing with my head."
So I got the role. I got the role.
I called my mother.
My mother was living in some apartments, man, and I called my mother.
I said, "Mama, what you want?"
She said, "Just buy me a washer and dryer. That's all I want."
I said, "I'mma buy you a house."
She said, "No, you're gonna fuck my Social Security up."
I get $700 a month,
and you're not finna fuck my Social Security up.
'Cause she wouldn't let me give her no check or nothing
'cause the Social Security people.
I had to fold the money up and… and back it to her like this
and slide it to her.
Sometimes she pulled back. I said, "What's wrong?"
She said, "They got ways of finding out everything."
I said, "Mama, we in the kitchen. Fuck Social Security."
And I've been sober for 20 years.
I've been sober for 20 years.
I work with some of the best actors and actresses in the world,
you know what I mean?
First movie I did was Next Friday.
The… Yeah.
The second movie I did was All About the Benjamins.
I was on coke by then. I'm in the motherfucking mood.
Go watch that movie again. The guy is higher than a motherfucker.
When I was saying… 15, 30, 35, 40
Forty-five, forty-seven
I was on coke like a motherfucker.
Love you!
I did Bernie Mac's last movie, y'all.
It was called Soul Men, y'all.
I was on the set with Bernie Mac in his last movie, man.
I… I… Man, you couldn't pay for this shit.
I'm sitting there talking to Bernie Mac, and he had a oxygen tank, man, he was…
Yeah, he had a oxygen tank,
but one thing I could say about him, he was still having fun.
He was still talking shit.
He was like, "Fuck these motherfuckers. Punk motherfuckers."
And I said, "Bernie Mac, give me some advice."
"What's your best advice you can give a young comic?"
He said, "Don't do nothing for money." I said, "Huh?"
You can't tell… tell no young, poor-ass comedian that.
The next movie I did was, uh, Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.
Then I did a movie called Jumping the Broom.
Yeah!
Then I did a movie called Petey Greene.
You ain't never seen that, have you?
Go check it out. Me, Don Cheadle, Taraji, uh, Chiwetel.
Go check it… These is independent films.
Then I did another movie with, uh, Forest Whitaker called Vipaka.
And I played a nigga in all these movies, y'all.
And I got a chance to work with the great Whitney Houston, man.
And just…
Yeah, just coming on the set with her every day was crazy
'cause she come… she didn't wanna fuck with nobody but me.
She said, "Let's go smoke a cigarette."
And me and her on…
This how she was on the side of the building smoking a cigarette.
I said, "This the best time to ask Whitney Houston some real shit."
I said, "Did Ike and Tina have anything on you and Bobby Brown?"
She said, "Hell no!"
They didn't have shit on us!
I just wanna tell y'all, man, the whole time I was on that journey,
I was delusional.
And I'd just like to tell y'all that it's okay to be delusional.
You know what I'm saying? Sometimes… you gotta be delusional.
You gotta be outta your motherfucking mind to be successful, to become great.
You gotta be blissful.
Delusion comes from trauma.
It comes from not being accepted.
So whatever you gotta do to make it, to become who you need to become,
stay delusional.
I'm Mike Epps, man. I love y'all.
Yaamava'!
Climb the highest mountain around
But I can't get over you
I can't get over you
Fast as a jet aeroplane on foot I can
Beat the Japanese bullet train
But I can't get over you
I can't get over you
Every day without you, girl You know that I'll be getting better
Can't let you break me down
Oh no, Lord, I can't let her
Do
Do me the way she do
Every day without you, girl You know that I'll be getting better
Can't let you break me down
Oh no, Lord, I can't let her
Do
Do me the way she do
I can see through buildings With X-ray vision
I can look through suckers' Planned-out decisions
But I can't see through you
Can't get over you
Stronger than my two-ton Ford