Please welcome your host, Alan Cumming!
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Good evening, Montreal!
Bonsoir, Montréal!
Comment ça va?
Thank you, please.
A long evening ahead of us.
Uh, hello, everybody.
First of all, I hope you appreciate the lighting tonight.
Woo!
It's called bisexual lighting.
Woo!
Um, there will be no overhead lighting this evening.
This is a hate crime-free zone!
Welcome to One Night Out, my name is Tilda Swinton!
- Woo! - Yes!
No I'm not, I-I-I am Alan Cumming,
and I will be your host for this evening of queer hilarity!
And it's going to be a doozy of an evening,
I can feel it!
We're all agog, the smell of poppers is pungent.
But, the Grindr notifications are on silent.
There's so many lesbians with us tonight!
Woo!
Yes! I heard it's been murder trying to get
a cat sitter in this town!
And a big welcome to our trans brothers and sisters!
Woo!
There are uh, more septum piercings in this room
than in all the cattle in Calgary, apparently!
Oh, I should've said,
Sorry, if there are any straight men in the audience,
thank you for your support.
Thank you for your visibility, it's always nice putting a face
to the blank profiles on Grindr.
Now, I'm sure you've all noticed, but things
are pretty catastrophic for queer people these days.
Uh, we're having our rights ripped away from us,
hate crimes against us are on the rise,
and of course, our trans brothers and sisters
are being persecuted,
and in some countries, like the United States of America,
governments are actually legislating that trans people
do not exist. They are trying to erase us.
This worldwide backlash against us,
it-it can feel daunting, it can feel overwhelming,
it can feel like there's nothing we can do about it.
But you know what, there is something we can do.
And that is, we can come out to places like this, we can gather,
we can show our support and our love for our community.
We can find our tribe, and we can access and express
something that none of those bigots who want to destroy us
will ever be able to understand or experience.
Joy! Unadulterated, queer, joy!
So...
Now...
I think it's time to talk about my outfit!
Woo!
This is not leather, by the way, I'm a hardcore vegan, babies,
so tonight I'm going for a sort of, pleather daddy look,
do you like it?
Woo!
Yes, I turned 60 this year, I know it's hard to believe,
I know, I know! No, I don't want your pity.
Um...
Getting older as a queer man is no picnic,
we are not a community, gay men that is,
that values the aging process very much,
I'm sure you've noticed. You go from being a twink
to an otter or a bear, or a cub or a chub,
and then there's a period of about 25 years
when nobody wants to fuck you.
So, you'd better either be in a long-term relationship,
or be prepared to furiously masturbate
for quite a long time!
And then, in the blink of an eye, you become a silver fox
or a daddy, and the floodgates open,
let me tell you!
Oof! The moisture!
So, as Oprah Winfrey advises,
I am leaning in to my daddyness tonight.
Wooo!
And my zaddyness!
Yes. One of the things about getting older is that you start
to forget things, uh, but I um, don't care, because!
I've been forgetting things since I was 20, I really have,
but when, um, you forget that you've had sex with people.
They don't like it!
And this has happened to me quite a few times in my life,
and one of the most recent was particularly awful.
I was at this party and I, erm, met this person and went,
"Hello, I'm Alan." And he went, "Oh, we've met before."
And there was something about his tone.
And so I said, "Oh, we have? Where did we meet?" And he went,
"We met in Los Angeles, 25 years ago." I was like,
"Well, cut me some fucking slack, bitch!"
And I went, "Oh, really? We d-we did?"
He went, "Yes, you were there making a film called
The Anniversary Party."
I went, "Yes, I did make a film called The Anniversary Party,
25 years ago in Los Angeles, yes.
Glad you remember!"
And he said, "And yes, and you had that lovely house
you were renting in the Hollywood Hills."
I thought, "Uh-oh!"
I went, "Oh, that's right. Did you, did you ever
go to that house?"
He said, "Yes I did,"
and I said, "Oh, did you ever spend the night in that house?"
And he went, "Yes I did." And honestly, crickets, nothing,
zero recollection of this person!
And uh, and I went,
"I'm so sorry, help me out here."
And he went, "You remember, we met in a bar!"
I went, "You'll have to narrow that one down, darling!"
"We met in a bar, and then we went back to your house
in the Hollywood Hills, and we did the business,
and then I stayed the night, and the next morning, I left."
I was like, "Uh-huh." And then he went--
"But I left my watch behind."
And all of a sudden, it was like the mists cleared, I was like,
"Wait, wait a minute, a watch." "Yes, yes!" And I said,
"That's right, you left your watch,
and I sent it back to you."
And he went, "Yes! But you sent my someone else's watch."
I was a young man with needs, having a slutty summer,
let's not be judgy!
And I said to him, "So, was the watch I sent
nicer than the one you left behind?"
And he said, "Yes." I went, "Shut the fuck up, then!"
Anyway um, it's so great to be back in Montreal,
I really love it here,
and the thing I love most about Montreal is that
in the strip clubs, you can actually have uh, hard-ons.
And you know, and the performers can too, of course. And...
I love that. And then later on in the evening,
more creamy loads, poutine!
I'm sorry!
Did I hear someone say "pute?"
Hello, hello, I don't think we've met. Hello.
No, we haven't.
I am the most famous woman in Québec!
Are you Celine Dion?
I could be!
Cause Celine, if you, I mean, I'm really happy for you,
'cause you know, you've put on a bit of weight,
and you look great and everything, I'm really.
Oh, tea!
And you know what? - What?
You look a little hungry, Alan.
- Oh. - I'm sure
you could use a little snack right now!
Thank you very much,
- Yes... - Thank you!
Oh, with the warning on the filter, that's good.
- Yeah. - Great! Wow.
I really love this outfit, it's very, trashy.
I'm sorry, I look trashy?
No, baby!
This is tra-chic, alright?
Because, I am actually not Céline!
I am Sami Landri!
Ah!
And I wanna welcome you to Montréal.
Merci beaucoup, maybe, actually, you could um,
help me with my French,
I'd love to sort of learn some more French phrases.
I'd love to say in French something like, you know,
"I think you're beautiful, and I want to make love to you."
Alright! Okay, I got you,
I got you, okay. - Uh-huh.
Holy cripe!
Try that one. - Okay, I'll try it.
Holy cripe!
You know what? It's not bad, it's not bad.
Okay, now I really want you to roll your Rs with it.
- Oh, like a Scottish person! - Exactly!
Holy cripe!
I felt that one!
- Did you? - I did, I did!
Gir, I think you're all ready to go, you're all set.
Thank you.
- Hold on. - What?
Let me give you something for breakfast tomorrow, honestly?
Just keep the whole pack!
Thank you very much!
Please give it up for Sami Landri!
Salut! À tout à l'heure!
Uh, okay, we have an iconic evening ahead of us,
are you ready to get the show started?
Well, we couldn't have a comedy show without a lesbian legend,
who is totally hilarious, has her own TV show
and is universally adored.
But Jann Arden wasn't available.
Instead, we have the hilarious Sabrina Jalees!
Wow!
I... was... available!
Yeah. I'm so happy to be here, I just had a baby.
True fact, I just had a baby,
I look pretty good for just having a baby! Right?
Thank you. My wife carried the baby, but I!
I do look pretty fucking good,
and that's how I wanna start things.
My wife carried my embryo,
which is a lesbian grand slam, you know?
My wife carried my egg, when you successfully get your egg
inside your wife,
Rosie O'Donnell crashes through your front window on a jetski.
She goes, "Yeaahh!"
Opens up that seat, Chappell Roan pops out,
she goes, "You did it, girlie!"
My wife carried my baby, my wife got a C-section.
Seven layers of skin, just sliced open.
Bro, that could've been me!
You know?
Seven layers of skin, do you know how hard that recovery is?
I had to help distract her from the recovery, so I uh,
I invited my parents to come live with us for two months.
You know, so she could be like, "C-section? What C-section?"
"There's a Pakistani man peeing with the door open."
"C-section? I don't remember a C-section,
there's a Swiss lady asking if paid taxes."
I have, I have two sons.
I've got a seven-year-old and a one-year-old,
cause you can do whatever you want in your life,
you could be a gold-star lesbian but God will find a way
to wedge dicks into your life!
First baby, our seven year old, so easy to make,
I toss jizz in my wife, baby comes out, perfect.
What a great recipe!
Second baby, augh! That was just
up and down fertility mountain,
throwing IVF embryos into my wife,
at one point I'm like, "Maybe it's internalized homophobia,
maybe I should get pregnant."
I toss jizz in me, which, my womb looks like...
the dyke rainbow.
Imagine what was going on that day,
gold-star lesbian, jizz enters the womb,
it must have been just like a thousand
Tim the Tool Man Taylors being like,
"Holy shit, we've got the ingredients, boys!
I got pregnant, I tell everyone, cause why not.
My mom's friend immediately is like,
"Isn't it a little early to be telling people?"
I'm like, "No, bitch, cause I just told you!"
Then I did miscarry.
I miscarried, I tell my mom's friend I miscarried, she goes,
"Now do you wish you didn't say anything?"
I wanted to push her down the stairs!
Be like, "Bitch,
now do YOU wish you hadn't said anything?"
It's so fucked up that women are supposed to be quiet about this;
miscarriages suck, I'm gonna talk about it. The name sucks!
Miscarriage makes it sound like the woman did a mistake,
did a little boo-boo, you know?
When miscarriages, 90% of them are chromosomal abnormalities,
but miscarriage makes it sound like
I Amelia Bedelia'd the baby.
Like I was like, "Carry the baby? Oh no!"
"Oh no, Amelia! I left it in the Uber!"
Perfect Amelia Bedelia impression!
Miscarried the baby, then I had to get an abortion,
which is sometimes that's so controversial now.
An abortion, so sad, I'm like holding my wife's hand,
and the baby's being pulled out of my body, um,
thank you, good night!
No, I'm laying there, the baby's being pulled out, it's so sad,
such an emotional moment.
I'm in a diaper, and I'm hobbling to the elevator,
and we're, you know, just trying to get through
the moment, and the nurse that was in the room runs towards me,
she's like, "Miss Jalees! Miss Jalees!"
The only reason to have that energy in that moment
is if she was like, "Miss Jalees, the baby!
It's alive!"
"It's dancing on the counter, Miss Jalees!"
"It wants to meet you.
Miss Jalees, have you seen Ally McBeal?"
Woo!
But this bitch runs after me to be like, "Miss Jalees!
Your copay. You have to pay your copay."
And then it was cash only,
like some farm to table restaurant in San Francisco.
So, I'm not saying all abortion clinics should be shut down,
but that one can fucking go.
That one can get gone!
My kids call me Baba, I grew up thinking it was Urdu for Dad,
'cause all of my cousins, my Pakistani cousins,
call their dads Baba.
And I'm explaining this to my white friend when my dad
is visiting, this year, okay?
And my dad cuts me off when I say, "Baba is Urdu for Dad,"
and he goes, "No, it's not."
I'm like, "What, Dad?" He goes,
"Baba is Urdu for any old man."
I'm like, "You're telling me this now, bitch?"
Fuck you, Baba!
Anyway, I've been Any Old Man,
have a great night, you guys are terrific!
Thank you, Sabrina Jalees!
Fun fact, everybody, fun fact.
Our next comic went to high school with Nelly Furtado!
Wooo!
And he's new to the wonderful world of bisexuality!
Wooo!
Now, as a seasoned pro,
I can tell you, you can't teach an old bi new tricks,
but I am very happy to show a new bi some old dick!
I'll be here all night, please give it up for Dan Duvall!
Hello, Montreal!
It's good to be here, I am a newly-out
bisexual man!
Thank you, it is exhausting!
It's like being a golden retriever, you know,
you gotta say hi to everybody.
But I-I-I-I travel all across the country
doing up stand-up comedy,
and it's interesting talking about this in different parts
of the country. You understand?
Like it's, it's easy here in Montreal,
everybody parties till five o'clock in the morning,
everybody talks with their hands,
this place is gay as hell.
You know, but I gotta do this in Alberta!
They have straight Pride parades there.
They had a huge one, went all the way to Ottawa!
Yeah.
Honk!
Yeah man, the convoy.
I was in, I was just in Calgary for Pride,
I don't know if you know this, did you know that Calgary
has the biggest Pride event in Canada, did you know that?
Yeah, it's called the Calgary Stampede.
Yeah, a bunch of city boys,
dressed up like cowboys!
Playing with horses, brushing them.
Pretty gay!
You tell me what's gayer than five ripped, shirtless dudes
in cowboy hats pretending they don't wanna kiss each other!
Yeah, so this is all, this is all pretty new for me,
I'm figuring out where on the spectrum I kind of sit,
and at first, I thought I was like 80/20 percent, you know,
like just the tip, and then--
As time has gone on and my Pornhub searches have expanded.
I've learned that it's more like 50/50, you know?
It's, it's good, but I-I like, I'm, I'm 44 years old,
so I came out in my forties, I'm 44, which is crazy,
because I'm hot as hell, you know?
But I grew up in the 90s and I grew up desperately
trying to act like I was not hooking up with my friends,
you know, it was, it was a very crazy time in my life,
and so, you know,
that's what it was like, and now I'm trying,
I'm living my life out loud as a person, the person
that I was always meant to be, you know, it's great.
Thank you!
It's amazing, right?
But it's different now, and now I can, it's better, like,
I'm doing stuff that I could not do as a straight person, right?
Like, I'm using sunscreen!
I'm washing my legs in the shower, it's a whole thing!
It's crazy, I was in High Park in Toronto,
and a chipmunk crawled into my hand!
Right? Back when I was straight, I would've crushed it!
So I, I started telling people,
I felt comfortable enough where I started telling people,
and um, and most people had no idea,
most people were totally shocked
when I started talking about this.
But there were some people who knew, there were some people
who knew the whole time.
Like, my best friend Craig,
who I used to hook up with while his dad was at work?
He knew, you know?
He cracked the case, cracked it wide open!
You know what I'm saying?
But I told my sisters first. I have two older sisters,
so for my dad it went girl, girl, and then a boy,
and he was like, "Yes!"
And then I was like, "Not so fast!"
"Okay? I'm pretty too, Don!"
And then, So, I told them first,
and they were like, "Yeah, we know.
We've been calling you a homo your whole life!"
"Did you think we were joking?"
So I told them and it went good, so then I was like,
I'm gonna tell my mom, right?
I'm gonna tell my 76-year-old mom,
so I called my mom up on the phone, and I said,
"Mom, I want you to know, I also like dudes."
Okay? And then my mom said, and I quote,
"Ewww, gross!"
And, and then right away,
she's like, "I'm sorry I said that," she's like, "I'm sorry!"
She's like, "It's just, I'm in the grocery store,
I'm grocery shopping right now."
She's like, "I'm in the meat department, this is a lot!"
Yeah, so, I told her and that went well, and then I was like,
I-I'm like, I'm gonna tell my dad.
Right? And that's a different thing,
'cause my dad is not like me at all, okay?
My dad is from a town in Saskatchewan called Cut Knife.
That is a town named after how you died and the murder weapon!
He's a dad, do you understand? Like, he's a dad,
like he just wakes up and says the price of gas.
His pronouns are Kirkland Signature,
he's a dad!
So, I did, I told him. I told my dad, I finally told him,
I told my dad, I did it. Yeah.
Yeah.
So, so my mom got a phone call, my dad? Got a text.
I shot him a text,
I shot my dad a text, I said,
"Dad, I just want you to know I also like dudes."
Okay? And then I said a bunch of heartwarming ass stuff
in the middle, and then at the end, I tried to keep it light,
I tried to make a joke, and I was like,
"I hope we can still play golf together."
And this is true, my dad wrote back one sentence,
just one text, that's it, and he just said,
"You're not playing from the ladies tees."
That's a win! That is a win for my boomer dad.
Besides, I'm playing from both tees, hasn't beaten me since.
Thanks a lot, you guys!
Thank you, Dan Duvall!
Our next performer coming to the stage identifies
as a skateboarding lesbian,
which means she can do a kickflip
and has at least three exes in the audience tonight.
Please welcome Irene Tu!
What's up, everybody? Um, I'm having a pretty good year,
I'm trying to be a better person this year,
and a lot of my friends are activists, you know,
they're queer, uh, and I would like to do that, you know,
I want to be more of an activist.
I just don't know if I have the personality of an activist,
because activists are
fucking annoying!
That's just a fact, okay?
And I don't mean that in a bad way,
'cause that's the whole job.
It's to be professionally annoying!
Think about it, you're not gonna change a law being nice.
Woo!
Yeah, you have to be so fucking annoying
that somebody's like...
"Okay, we'll give you gay marriage!
Can you leave us alone?"
"I'm trying to eat!"
That's how social change works.
That's why I'm so glad that gay marriage is legal now.
'Cause that means,
I didn't have to fight for it!
You know? And I just got to reap the rewards.
I was born in the right decade.
Like, if I was born any earlier,
and I had to be a part of the gay rights movement,
I probably would've just like...
been straight, you know?
I'd be like, "That's too much work, honestly.
I don't know if we're gonna get it in my lifetime.
I'll just get a beard instead, that seems easier."
But you know, I'm trying to do more, okay? Baby steps, right?
Like, I can't step in front of a tank immediately, so...
I was like, what's a way that I can help out that involves
little to no effort on my part?
And a couple of years ago,
we had this big writer's strike in LA, and I was like,
"Okay, great. I'm gonna support the strike."
So I started posting about it on Instagram.
That's it, that's all I did!
I'm a hero!
I just don't like that every protest involves
physical activity.
Have you noticed that?
Like, why are we always marching to places?
Activists, we're a frail people.
We should be catering to our strengths.
Like, did you know in the 60s, they did all these sit-ins?
Let's bring those back!
Yeah, you guys are all sitting right now,
this could of been a protest!
Right? Like, we were fighting Netflix, okay.
Let's go into Netflix and chill!
That would've been a perfect protest, okay?
But no, I have to run a 3K for my rights!
I didn't train for this!
And I never know what to put on my sign.
Like, you have to show up to a protest with a good ass sign,
'cause that's the only way that you get photographed.
And that's the most important part.
'Cause if you weren't photographed at the protest,
were you even there?
Yeah, how are you gonna show people later,
you're a good person?
'Cause, I want to be able to flex on my kids one day.
You know, we get into a argument, right?
Me and my asshole son.
He's straight, he sucks.
He's yelling at me. He's like, "Mom! You're a bad person!"
And I'm like, "Oh! Okay!
Fine, you think I'm a baaad person, alright.
See that US history book?"
"Yeah, turn to page 354."
And he's like, "Okay."
I point to a photo,
I'm like that's a picture of me!
Protesting!"
Yeah! That's the back of my head.
And he's like, "Okay, cool. Uh, what was the protest for?"
And I'm like, "...
I don't know!"
"I just did it for the photo, you're grounded!"
And he's like, "Does that say January 6th?"
"Don't look at that! Okay?
I thought it was a costume party."
But no, I did think back on it,
and I realized that I didn't go to any of the protests in 2020,
there were a lot of them,
you know, the Black Lives Matter protests.
And it's not because I didn't support it, okay?
I was actually living with my grandparents at the time,
and this was early on in the pandemic,
we didn't know how Covid worked.
Yeah, I didn't want to accidentally get Covid
at a protest, bring it home and like,
kill my grandparents.
You know, I had to decide what was more important to me.
Not killing my grandma,
or, fighting police brutality.
And I went with not killing my grandma.
And that still weighs on me.
Cause she's racist.
So...
I feel like I shoulda gone!
And killed two birds with one stone.
You know?
Thank you guys so much, I've been Irene Tu!
Thank you, Irene Tu!
I changed.
Our next performer used to teach elementary school,
and once again, he's standing in front of a room
full of people thinking, "What's that smell?"
He was named one of Variety's 10 Comics To Watch,
so you're welcome Montreal,
you can watch him right now. Please welcome Joe Dombrowski!
Montreal, how are we?
Thank you. It's, it's so good to be back,
I love travelling to other countries for comedy,
I was, I was recently in another foreign country,
I was in, um...
Florida, and.
I don't know, okay, here's the thing. I went to the bar
after every single one of my shows,
'cause I was a teacher for 10 years,
so now I'm an alcoholic, and...
I'm sitting at the bar minding my business,
and this cockroach runs, I'm, that's my biggest fear.
I don't do cockroaches,
I do do them, without the roaches part, but!
Sitting there, cockroach runs across the table, levitates,
flies into my face!
I rant to the bartender, I was like, "Excuse me,
I've just been accosted by the Florida state bird!
And he just looked at me, and he said, "Ma'am?
That is..."
"In those loafers?
Ma'am, that's a Palmetto bug."
And, do you know this term that they use down there,
Palmetto bug? It's what they call cockroaches,
and I hate it, cause you can't just take something disgusting,
slap a cute name on it, and now it's socially acceptable.
Right? Like, you can't just put glitter on a 19-inch dildo,
call it "comfortable!"
It's...
It'll still bring harm to you, so...
So I'm sitting there, drinking my Dirty Martini,
because, duh? And...
These two Florida people, just let me tell ya,
beacons of Floridian excellence!
They just start walking towards me,
all four teeth collectively, and...
I-I didn't catch their names,
but for the sake of the story, we'll call them Methany Frankel
and Fentyana Rodriguez, and...
And one of 'em starts talking to me, and she goes,
"Joe? I just wanna let you know
that we didn't think you were funny, because--"
"Teachers in this country are actually teaching
kids to be gay!"
"Methany!"
"That's crazy, I taught for 10 years,
I couldn't even teach 'em to write their name
at the top of the page!"
And that's just not true, okay?
Because if teachers were still teaching the kids
anything to be gay,
teachers would be still teaching cursive. Hm?"
'Cause cursive's just gay language, girl,
let's be real.
It's just homosexual hieroglyphs, if you ask me!
'Cause if you write the letter A in print, you say, "Ey!"
If you write the letter A in cursive, you say, "Eyyyyy!"
A lot has changed since last time I've been in Montreal,
last time I was here, I was getting married.
This time, I'm having a baby.
Thank you!
Thank you, I'm very excited.
Let me tell you this, though,
super hard to name a baby when you used to be a teacher, okay?
Like, I'm throwing out all these names,
my husband's shutting 'em all down. He's like, "Megan."
"Talker." "Jenna." "Talker." "Gillian." "Pooped herself."
So then he was like, "Why don't you just make a list
of celebrity names, and maybe that will jog something
within us, and I said, "Chaka Khan!"
He hates it! I love it, 'cause can you picture two gay dads
with a Chaka Khan, and it's not a French bulldog?
And, I just want a Chaka Khan
so that I can pick her up from school
and stand at parent pick-up, and be like, "Chaka Khan!"
But, his top three names are Mable, Eloise and Lois,
I was like, "Oh, didn't realize we were making a small army
of suffragettes!"
Lois, I feel like I'm gonna be at the hospital
and then you have to say to people, "Oh, this?"
"It's Lois."
"Yeah, she's got a drinking problem, and."
"We'd go home, but the car seat doesn't fit
in our covered wagon, so!"
We're doing IVF and surrogacy,
just as the Lord intended it, and um.
My husband and I are complete opposites,
and he doesn't like when I panic in medical situations.
Like, I had to get a colonoscopy last year,
and at the doctor's appointment,
the doctor looked at me, and he said,
"Joe, this might hurt a little."
And I panicked and I said, "I think we're fine!"
And then he put his finger in me, and I did panic, I said,
"Look, it's like I'm your little finger puppet, Rick!
Wer, wer, wer, wer, wer, wer, wer!"
I hate myself, I do,
I hate myself, just take my voice, Ursula,
I don't deserve it! Anyway.
But Morgan can do anything, and I, when I was like,
"Morgan, you can do it all, and I can't do anything!"
And he's so sweet, he stops me and he goes,
"It's okay, we're a team, babe."
And I think that that is,
nauseating!
So he planned our whole baby journey, and we met
with a fertility specialist,
and we were picking the egg donor,
and the specialist looked at me and said,
"What kind of women are you into?" And then I, um,
threw up in my mouth a little. And...
She said, "Oh no, if you were of heterosexual descent,"
"In these boots!"
"What qualities in a woman would you be seeking?" And I said,
"Thank you for asking, she'd have to be smart and funny,
built like a linebacker, um."
"I'd like her main adjective to be sturdy,
and I'd like her to look like the antagonist in 'Matilda.'"
And then they whisked us into another meeting,
so they could collect our, um, samples -
I'm sorry about your face! And we're--
...we're in this room, it's crowded, there's nowhere to sit,
so Morgan and I are all the way in the back
when a nurse chimes in, and she goes,
"Joe, Morgan, I only have one room available."
"I can only take one of you right now."
And I stood up in front of all those men,
and I said, "It's okay, we can go together!"
Morgan's like, "Shut up!"
I said, "What?
We're a team, babe!"
I'm Joe Dombrowski, thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you, Joe Dombrowski!
Are you having a good night, Montreal?
Passez-vous une bonne nuit?
It's French! Um...
I was just talking backstage
about the fact that this is sort of the epicentre of queerness
in the world, tonight, right here, this is...
This is gay Ground Zero, people!
Uh, I've done quite a lot of big queer things in my time,
but no names! I'll never kiss and tell.
No, what I mean is I've done a lot of big queer things on TV,
I've been, for example, fucked up the ass by a lesbian
with a strap-on on The "L" Word.
Wooo!
Oh yes, I was way ahead of the pegging curve.
Eat me, Prince William! And...
What, too soon? Sorry!
I was also in one of the gayest films ever made,
uh no, not SpiceWorld, though I was in that, too.
No, I'm talking about when I played Nightcrawler
in one of the X-Men films.
Yes, the gayest film ever made!
I mean, people having to hide their true identity
and wearing a lot of leather, I mean, come on!
I've also been in a lot of, sort of, gay classics,
like Josie and the Pussycats.
Shot here in Canada.
Uh, and I've won many accolades, and um, many awards in my time,
but I am still smarting from losing
the 1997 MTV Movie Award
for Best Dance Sequence,
for my work with Lisa Kudrow and Mira Sorvino
in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion!
I've also been in some very queer-coded films.
I was um, Mr. Floop in the Spy Kids trilogy.
Yes, he's a queer one.
But, just a word of warning,
if you are thinking of ever coming up to me to express
how much Mr. Floop and Spy Kids meant to you as a child,
please do not do it in the manner of a young man
who came up to me in Albuquerque,
a couple of years ago.
Because he came up, almost crying, and said,
"Alan, you touched me a lot when I was a little boy!"
No! No!
No, we will not, Albuquerque!
And of course, more recently, you may know me
as the host of The Traitors, which is...
Which is the campest thing I have ever been in,
and that's me saying that!
The Traitors is such fun to shoot, it really is,
in such a sort of incredible, sociological experiment.
I'm constantly amazed by the stupid decisions.
That the players make on it,
how they get all swept up with this sort of pack mentality,
you know? I actually say that the Traitors is like
Lord of the Flies with Botox.
Ooh, they're harder to open than you think!
"Dear Allan,"
"By order of the Traitors, you have been murdered."
I've been murdered?
Who are you, bitch?
Oh my goodness!
Ha!
It's Karine Vanasse, host of The Traitors Canada!
Karine!
Mm-hmm!
What are you doing here?
And why were you wearing my bathrobe?
Non! Oh, Allan,
I was told the host of The Traitors Canada
was hosting this gala tonight.
- Oh! - Mm-hmm!
Oh no, it's the host of The Traitors
was hosting this gala IN Canada.
Oh, I'm sorry!
Oh, don't--
Don't be sorry, it's totally fine!
I mean, now that you're here. - Mm-hmm!
Shall we, uh, why don't we do some Traitors voice exercises?
Oh yes, why not?
- Ready? Okay, here we go. - Yes!
Murrrderrrr!
Murrrrrdeeuuuurrr!
Pretty good, yes, pretty good!
Here's another one.
Yes.
A quarter of a million dollars!
Haha!
One hundred--
Canadian dollars!
Very good!
Shall we do the next introduction together?
- Yes, just a second. - Oh yes.
- Oh yeah! - Got my bathrobe.
Yes.
Uh, okay. Please welcome to the stage.
The one, the only, the ever Faithful.
Tranna Wintour!
Um, little known fact,
Karine and Alan are my mom and dad!
Woo!
But before I get started, I do just have
a little personal announcement that I need to make,
you probably won't care,
but I just want us all to be on the same page.
I actually no longer identify as trans.
I identify as a two-time reality TV loser.
My pronouns are runner, up.
I made it to the top four of Quebec's Celebrity Big Brother.
And all the way to the final two of The Traitors Canada!
For anyone who doesn't know, the concept of the Traitors
is quite simple. It's kind of like a murder mystery,
and where 20 contestants in a mysterious manor.
And among the contestants,
a select few are chosen to be Traitors,
and the rest of us are Faithfuls.
And it is the mission of the Faithfuls to uncover
the identities of the Traitors before the end of the game,
because if there's even one Traitor left standing
at the end, they win it all.
Now, as Faithfuls, we're at a major disadvantage,
we don't really have a lot to go on besides vibes!
Which is my specialty, I'm a Pisces,
I can read people really well!
Well...
According to Reddit,
I'm one of the worst players of all time, internationally!
At the end of every day, we have a Round Table where we share
who we think the Traitors are, and then we vote them out.
There was one night where I very confidently
named four people as Traitors.
There were only three.
Someone also on Reddit made a calculation that statistically,
the chance of me naming four people
and not landing on a Traitor...
...was a 2.3% chance!
That does make me one of the greats!
Not everybody has that.
I don't want to bring the mood down, because I am having such
a blast, you are amazing!
But I do want to acknowledge
that this is an extremely hard time for the LGBTQ community.
I never imagined that being a trans person in 2025
would be harder than it was 10 years ago.
And I'm ashamed to admit,
but something that I do that calms me sometimes,
is that I like to think about people
who have it a lot worse than I do.
Like Jennifer Lopez.
Let me explain.
Let me take you back to 2003,
she was with Ben Affleck, a love for the ages!
At that time, she was so inspired by this love
that she wrote an a-- well, "wrote!"
An album called This Is Me, Then.
And there was even a song on the album called
Dear Ben.
Beautiful.
As you all know, they broke up a few days before the wedding,
but 20 years later, they reunited.
And again, the love between them was just so powerful,
that she was moved to write a new album!
This time called This Is Me, Now.
A real clever woman!
There's even a song on this album called Dear Ben, Part Two.
But the album wasn't enough to communicate the importance
of this love for Ben Affleck,
so she made a movie.
Called This Is Me Now, A Love Story.
A CGI nightmare that she produced
with 20 million dollars of her own money!
I dare you to watch it!
But that still wasn't enough
to convey the magnitude of this love!
So she made a documentary
about the making of the album and the movie!
And she called it,
The Greatest Love Story Never Told.
And they broke up two months later.
Now, I believe that there is a chance
that I can survive transphobia,
I could never survive that kind of humiliation!
And that is why I will take being a trans person in 2025
over being Jennifer Lopez!
Thank you guys so much, I love you!
And I love J-Lo!
Tranna Wintour!
Our next performer is not only a comedian,
he is a bisexual dancer, a writer, a personal trainer,
and the author of an X-Men comic,
and after learning all of that,
he is also my future ex-boyfriend!
It's my pleasure to introduce Jay Jurden!
Give it up for Alan Cumming, everyone!
Oh my God! Earlier in the show, Alan said
that gay people weren't going anywhere, well, after this show,
I am going to the bathhouse!
Now. I'm so happy to be here,
I want y'all to know something,
I'm not guy but my husband, super gay, right?
No, I love him so much,
he's smart, he's funny, he has a good job,
I'm supposed to say that, but the most important thing,
big ol' dick on that boy!
My God! Yeah, have you ever seen a penis so long,
it's like the line at the DMV?
You go, "Wow, I knew this was gonna be long,
I didn't know I was gonna have to take off work!"
"Also, why are three of my friends here?"
Um, but.
I want y'all to know that I'm so happy to be with him,
I always shout him out, he is a bit younger,
he's 23 centimetres, and...
That's the only conversion therapy I'm gonna do.
Right? 23! That's pretty funny,
it doesn't work if I say he's nine!
There we go, good, good, good!
No, I am getting a bit older, I know I'm getting older,
because now I have a pair of Transition lenses
and a pair of cisgender lenses, and...
Yeah, old gays, I like being a old gay, old gays, we're mean,
baby gays, they're meaner,
people who don't know they're gay yet, they're the meanest!
They're always saying stuff like,
"Please don't tell my wife!" And I'm like,
"Shut up, senator!" Um, the...
That works, because also, hockey players! Uh.
No, I try my best to be very respectful for our community,
I have a rule, I do not make fun of other people within the queer
umbrella, so right? I don't make fun of lesbians,
because last year, I found out that lesbians can fight!
Oh! My God!
Have you ever been kicked by a pair of Doc Martens?
You make that mistake once!
It is quite a heavy shoe.
I don't know if y'all know y'alls queer history,
but lesbians have actually created a platform
for so many queer performers over the years,
and by that I mean they probably built this stage!
Now that's what we call a well-constructed joke.
That is A union-approved joke.
I don't make fun of lesbians,
I don't make fun of non-binary people,
because I don't like it when baristas spit in my coffee, hey!
I can't make fun of non-binary people,
y'all! What if I want my bike fixed?
What if I wanna buy a record on vinyl,
what if I need an ugly tattoo? What I'm saying is...
...they have a lot of jobs, and listen!
Gender is fluid, but their assets are liquid.
I don't make 'em.
I don't make 'em, but they/them's the rules!
Wait, hold on!
I'm doing a quick sweep for mullets, uh.
Naw, I'm sorry, y'all are French, moulet? Uh.
Yeah yeah, I don't wanna be hit with a wallet chain
after the show, right?
Get over here!
Oooooh! I think Scorpion's a beautiful name!
Finish them!
Hey, hey, hey! I can make that joke! My husband recently
came out to me as a little bit non-binary.
He said, "Hey baby, I'm okay with using he, they pronouns,"
which means he usually feels like a boy,
unless there's a bug in the house. Now...
Full disclosure, he loves that joke, they? Not so much!
But...
I'm learning, gender is tricky!
I have so many straight male comedian friends,
and what happens is they butch it up when they get out
in front of people. They're normal backstage,
as normal as they can be, but when they see other men,
they go "We need to bring back real men, bring back real men!"
And I always want to tell those straight comedians,
"Real men are not on stage!"
There's never been a real man on stage,
real men are on...
probation, real men are on...
heart medication, real men are on the couch
'cause Mom is mad! Real men are on boats, not fun boats,
shipping vessels, real men are on real boats,
so fake men like all of us can eat real crab, okay?
Real men don't hunt drag queens, they hunt dungeness!
But, it's always tricky for these people,
they don't get it,
they don't understand that gender is so expansive.
A lot of my straight friends,
all right now, they're also doing something called
semen retention. Y'all heard about this?
Okay, semen retention, that's when you hold all the evil juice
inside of you, and you think it's gonna give you
superpower, alright?
I-I want you to know something, this entire set,
I've been doing semen retention!
I promise for the next two minutes, I will not c--
don't look at me, hey!
Whew, almost lost it! No, I'm kidding,
I don't do semen retention like that, I do it like this.
You guys, that is obviously a lie, I have a ring!
A lot of people, they ask me, they say,
"Jay? How are you a bi man in a gay relationship?"
"I don't know, the same way you're a dumb ass
in this premise!" My...
My big theory now is that everyone is getting gayer,
right? Everyone in this room, even if you're straight,
you are gayer than your great-great grandparents, right?
That's how time works.
Okay, every woman in this room
is gayer than her great-great grandmother because
y'all get to rattle off crazy lesbian nonsense, like,
"Well, I think." And there was.
I know we're having a great night, but we really need
to make sure we keep our eyes on the prize and make sure
we make sure everyone is safe, and no one feels unsafe
in their own body and sexuality.
I recently had to deal with some homophobia, and by that,
I mean I did not get my way!
I...
No, listen! I was walking in my neighbourhood, I'ma be honest,
I was prancing in my neighbourhood! And,
I passed by this church,
this church had a sign, it said,
"Gentrifying sodomites are ruining Harlem!" And I thought,
"Oh my God! That is a crazy way to say
"Thank you for the new Sephora!"
Alright, I've been Jay Jurden, thank you so much!
Give it up for Alan Cumming!
Thank you, Jay Jurden!
We're closing with an award-winning stand-up comedian,
television writer and author.
A high achiever? Absolutely!
Did they stop there? Absolutely not!
Tonight, they'll be performing music from their debut album
I'm A TV, please give it up for Mae Martin!
What's up, Montreal!
Please, give it up again for Alan Cumming!
To me, this song, I think it's a very positive song?
When you hear it, you might be like, "This sounds sad,"
but I think for me, it's about how um, it doesn't matter,
like things are so dark right now in the world,
but these things come in cycles,
and we've been through dark things before,
and whatever they throw at us, we can face it.
As long as we keep doing things like this,
and staying together and not hiding away,
playing video games.
Okay. This song's called, Try Me.
♪ I knew a garden
♪ Corners overgrown with weeds
♪ Birds of ash on thistle perches ♪
♪ Grown from shadow seeds
♪ Try me just try me
♪ I've been there too many times ♪
♪ Try me just try me
♪ I saw a face there
♪ Making shapes and bones all askew ♪
♪ Oh what a monster everybody turns into ♪
♪ Saying words like don't believe me ♪
♪ It was a question that I didn't know the answer to ♪
♪ It was a face I knew
♪ It's looked me right in the face so many times ♪
♪ Just try me
♪ I've been there too many times ♪
♪ Try me just try me
♪ If I can help it if I can help it ♪
♪ If nothing big goes wrong
♪ If I can help it I'll try ♪
♪ Just try me
♪ I've been there too many times ♪
♪ Try me just try me
♪ I've been there too many times ♪
Everybody!
♪ Just try me
♪ I've been there too many times ♪
Let's get Alan out here.
Alan!
♪ I've been there too many times ♪
♪ Try me just try me
♪ I've been there so many times ♪
♪ Try me just try me
♪ I've been there so many times ♪
Mae Martin!
Thank you so much!
Alan Cumming!
Thank you all for coming!
Keep having joy, keep protesting,
keep being queer, goodnight!
Subtitling: difuze