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Please welcome
your host, Alan Cumming!
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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
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{\an8}Good evening, Montreal!
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{\an8}Bonsoir, Montréal!
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{\an8}Comment ça va?
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Thank you, please.
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A long evening ahead of us.
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Uh, hello, everybody.
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First of all, I hope you
appreciate the lighting tonight.
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Woo!
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It's called bisexual lighting.
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Woo!
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Um, there will be no overhead
lighting this evening.
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This is a hate crime-free zone!
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Welcome to One Night Out,
my name is Tilda Swinton!
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- Woo!
- Yes!
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No I'm not,
I-I-I am Alan Cumming,
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and I will be your host for this
evening of queer hilarity!
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And it's going to be
a doozy of an evening,
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I can feel it!
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We're all agog,
the smell of poppers is pungent.
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But, the Grindr notifications
are on silent.
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There's so many
lesbians with us tonight!
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Woo!
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Yes! I heard it's been
murder trying to get
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a cat sitter in this town!
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And a big welcome to our
trans brothers and sisters!
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Woo!
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There are uh, more septum
piercings in this room
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than in all the cattle
in Calgary, apparently!
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Oh, I should've said,
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Sorry, if there are any
straight men in the audience,
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thank you for your support.
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Thank you for your visibility,
it's always nice putting a face
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to the blank profiles on Grindr.
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Now, I'm sure you've
all noticed, but things
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are pretty catastrophic
for queer people these days.
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Uh, we're having our rights
ripped away from us,
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hate crimes against us
are on the rise,
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and of course, our trans
brothers and sisters
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are being persecuted,
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and in some countries, like
the United States of America,
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governments are actually
legislating that trans people
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do not exist.
They are trying to erase us.
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This worldwide backlash
against us,
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it-it can feel daunting,
it can feel overwhelming,
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it can feel like there's
nothing we can do about it.
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But you know what,
there is something we can do.
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And that is, we can come out to
places like this, we can gather,
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we can show our support
and our love for our community.
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We can find our tribe,
and we can access and express
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something that none of those
bigots who want to destroy us
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will ever be able
to understand or experience.
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Joy! Unadulterated, queer, joy!
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So...
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Now...
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I think it's time
to talk about my outfit!
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Woo!
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This is not leather, by the way,
I'm a hardcore vegan, babies,
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so tonight I'm going for
a sort of, pleather daddy look,
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do you like it?
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Woo!
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Yes, I turned 60 this year,
I know it's hard to believe,
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I know, I know!
No, I don't want your pity.
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Um...
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Getting older as a queer man
is no picnic,
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we are not a community,
gay men that is,
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that values the aging
process very much,
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I'm sure you've noticed.
You go from being a twink
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to an otter or a bear,
or a cub or a chub,
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and then there's a period
of about 25 years
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when nobody wants to fuck you.
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So, you'd better either be in
a long-term relationship,
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or be prepared
to furiously masturbate
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for quite a long time!
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And then, in the blink of
an eye, you become a silver fox
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or a daddy, and
the floodgates open,
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let me tell you!
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Oof! The moisture!
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So, as Oprah Winfrey advises,
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I am leaning in to
my daddyness tonight.
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Wooo!
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And my zaddyness!
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Yes. One of the things about
getting older is that you start
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to forget things, uh, but I um,
don't care, because!
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I've been forgetting things
since I was 20, I really have,
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but when, um, you forget that
you've had sex with people.
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They don't like it!
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And this has happened to me
quite a few times in my life,
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and one of the most recent
was particularly awful.
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I was at this party and I,
erm, met this person and went,
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"Hello, I'm Alan." And he went,
"Oh, we've met before."
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And there was something
about his tone.
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And so I said, "Oh, we have?
Where did we meet?" And he went,
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"We met in Los Angeles,
25 years ago." I was like,
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"Well, cut me some
fucking slack, bitch!"
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And I went, "Oh, really?
We d-we did?"
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He went, "Yes, you were
there making a film called
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The Anniversary Party."
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I went, "Yes, I did make a film
called The Anniversary Party,
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25 years ago
in Los Angeles, yes.
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Glad you remember!"
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And he said, "And yes,
and you had that lovely house
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you were renting
in the Hollywood Hills."
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I thought, "Uh-oh!"
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I went, "Oh, that's right.
Did you, did you ever
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go to that house?"
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He said, "Yes I did,"
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and I said, "Oh, did you ever
spend the night in that house?"
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And he went, "Yes I did."
And honestly, crickets, nothing,
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zero recollection
of this person!
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And uh, and I went,
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"I'm so sorry,
help me out here."
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And he went, "You remember,
we met in a bar!"
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I went, "You'll have to narrow
that one down, darling!"
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"We met in a bar, and then we
went back to your house
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in the Hollywood Hills,
and we did the business,
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and then I stayed the night,
and the next morning, I left."
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I was like, "Uh-huh."
And then he went--
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"But I left my watch behind."
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And all of a sudden, it was like
the mists cleared, I was like,
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"Wait, wait a minute, a watch."
"Yes, yes!" And I said,
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"That's right,
you left your watch,
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and I sent it back to you."
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And he went, "Yes! But you sent
my someone else's watch."
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I was a young man with needs,
having a slutty summer,
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let's not be judgy!
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And I said to him,
"So, was the watch I sent
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nicer than the one
you left behind?"
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And he said, "Yes." I went,
"Shut the fuck up, then!"
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Anyway um, it's so great
to be back in Montreal,
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I really love it here,
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and the thing I love most
about Montreal is that
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in the strip clubs, you can
actually have uh, hard-ons.
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And you know, and the performers
can too, of course. And...
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I love that. And then later on
in the evening,
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more creamy loads, poutine!
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I'm sorry!
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Did I hear someone say "pute?"
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Hello, hello, I don't think
we've met. Hello.
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No, we haven't.
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I am the most
famous woman in Québec!
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Are you Celine Dion?
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I could be!
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Cause Celine, if you, I mean,
I'm really happy for you,
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'cause you know, you've put
on a bit of weight,
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and you look great
and everything, I'm really.
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Oh, tea!
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And you know what?
- What?
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You look a little
hungry, Alan.
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- Oh.
- I'm sure
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you could use a little
snack right now!
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Thank you very much,
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- Yes...
- Thank you!
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Oh, with the warning on
the filter, that's good.
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- Yeah.
- Great! Wow.
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I really love this outfit,
it's very, trashy.
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I'm sorry, I look trashy?
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No, baby!
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This is tra-chic, alright?
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Because, I am actually
not Céline!
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{\an8}I am Sami Landri!
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{\an8}Ah!
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And I wanna welcome you
to Montréal.
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Merci beaucoup, maybe,
actually, you could um,
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help me with my French,
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I'd love to sort of learn
some more French phrases.
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I'd love to say in French
something like, you know,
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"I think you're beautiful,
and I want to make love to you."
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Alright! Okay, I got you,
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I got you, okay.
- Uh-huh.
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Holy cripe!
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Try that one.
- Okay, I'll try it.
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Holy cripe!
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You know what?
It's not bad, it's not bad.
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Okay, now I really want you
to roll your Rs with it.
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- Oh, like a Scottish person!
- Exactly!
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Holy cripe!
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I felt that one!
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- Did you?
- I did, I did!
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Gir, I think you're all ready
to go, you're all set.
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Thank you.
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- Hold on.
- What?
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Let me give you something for
breakfast tomorrow, honestly?
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Just keep the whole pack!
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Thank you very much!
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Please give it up
for Sami Landri!
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Salut! À tout à l'heure!
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Uh, okay, we have an iconic
evening ahead of us,
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are you ready to get
the show started?
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Well, we couldn't have a comedy
show without a lesbian legend,
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who is totally hilarious,
has her own TV show
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and is universally adored.
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But Jann Arden wasn't available.
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Instead, we have the hilarious
Sabrina Jalees!
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00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,347
Wow!
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{\an8}I... was... available!
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00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:25,892
Yeah. I'm so happy to be here,
I just had a baby.
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True fact, I just had a baby,
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I look pretty good for
just having a baby! Right?
202
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,772
Thank you. My wife carried
the baby, but I!
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I do look pretty fucking good,
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and that's how I wanna
start things.
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My wife carried my embryo,
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00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:52,719
which is a lesbian
grand slam, you know?
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00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:57,590
My wife carried my egg, when you
successfully get your egg
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00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:58,892
inside your wife,
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00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:02,629
Rosie O'Donnell crashes through
your front window on a jetski.
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00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:05,065
She goes, "Yeaahh!"
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00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:09,903
Opens up that seat,
Chappell Roan pops out,
212
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,471
she goes,
"You did it, girlie!"
213
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:18,278
My wife carried my baby,
my wife got a C-section.
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00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:22,482
Seven layers of skin,
just sliced open.
215
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:25,552
Bro, that could've been me!
216
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,153
You know?
217
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:35,061
Seven layers of skin, do you
know how hard that recovery is?
218
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:38,732
I had to help distract her from
the recovery, so I uh,
219
00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:41,334
I invited my parents to come
live with us for two months.
220
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,907
You know, so she could be like,
"C-section? What C-section?"
221
00:11:47,907 --> 00:11:51,444
"There's a Pakistani man
peeing with the door open."
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00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:57,217
"C-section? I don't remember
a C-section,
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00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,686
there's a Swiss lady
asking if paid taxes."
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00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,324
I have, I have two sons.
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00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:06,192
I've got a seven-year-old
and a one-year-old,
226
00:12:06,192 --> 00:12:08,228
cause you can do whatever you
want in your life,
227
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:12,599
you could be a gold-star
lesbian but God will find a way
228
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,668
to wedge dicks into your life!
229
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:21,207
First baby, our seven year old,
so easy to make,
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00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:24,044
I toss jizz in my wife,
baby comes out, perfect.
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00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:27,180
What a great recipe!
232
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,616
Second baby, augh!
That was just
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00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,518
up and down fertility mountain,
234
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,853
throwing IVF embryos
into my wife,
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00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:36,322
at one point I'm like, "Maybe
it's internalized homophobia,
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00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:38,458
maybe I should get pregnant."
237
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:44,064
I toss jizz in me, which,
my womb looks like...
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00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:45,999
the dyke rainbow.
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00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:48,168
Imagine what was going
on that day,
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00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:51,271
gold-star lesbian,
jizz enters the womb,
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00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,572
it must have been just
like a thousand
242
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,507
Tim the Tool Man Taylors
being like,
243
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:57,677
"Holy shit, we've got
the ingredients, boys!
244
00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:02,649
I got pregnant, I tell everyone,
cause why not.
245
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:04,884
My mom's friend immediately
is like,
246
00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:07,754
"Isn't it a little early
to be telling people?"
247
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:09,556
I'm like, "No, bitch, cause
I just told you!"
248
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,526
Then I did miscarry.
249
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:18,164
I miscarried, I tell my mom's
friend I miscarried, she goes,
250
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,969
"Now do you wish you didn't
say anything?"
251
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,906
I wanted to push her
down the stairs!
252
00:13:26,906 --> 00:13:28,441
Be like, "Bitch,
253
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,744
now do YOU wish
you hadn't said anything?"
254
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,915
It's so fucked up that women are
supposed to be quiet about this;
255
00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:39,753
miscarriages suck, I'm gonna
talk about it. The name sucks!
256
00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:43,356
Miscarriage makes it sound like
the woman did a mistake,
257
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,692
did a little boo-boo, you know?
258
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:49,229
When miscarriages, 90% of them
are chromosomal abnormalities,
259
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:50,797
but miscarriage makes it
sound like
260
00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:53,400
I Amelia Bedelia'd the baby.
261
00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:59,305
Like I was like,
"Carry the baby? Oh no!"
262
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:05,912
"Oh no, Amelia!
I left it in the Uber!"
263
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,949
Perfect Amelia Bedelia
impression!
264
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,791
Miscarried the baby, then I had
to get an abortion,
265
00:14:17,791 --> 00:14:20,293
which is sometimes that's
so controversial now.
266
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:25,365
An abortion, so sad, I'm like
holding my wife's hand,
267
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:28,101
and the baby's being pulled out
of my body, um,
268
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:29,336
thank you, good night!
269
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:36,309
No, I'm laying there, the baby's
being pulled out, it's so sad,
270
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,611
such an emotional moment.
271
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:42,182
I'm in a diaper, and I'm
hobbling to the elevator,
272
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:44,150
and we're, you know,
just trying to get through
273
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:47,687
the moment, and the nurse that
was in the room runs towards me,
274
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,456
she's like, "Miss Jalees!
Miss Jalees!"
275
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,225
The only reason to have that
energy in that moment
276
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,962
is if she was like,
"Miss Jalees, the baby!
277
00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:57,630
It's alive!"
278
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,267
"It's dancing on the counter,
Miss Jalees!"
279
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:05,138
"It wants to meet you.
280
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,273
Miss Jalees, have you seen
Ally McBeal?"
281
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,612
Woo!
282
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:15,181
But this bitch runs after me
to be like, "Miss Jalees!
283
00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:19,919
Your copay. You have to pay
your copay."
284
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,955
And then it was cash only,
285
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:24,624
like some farm to table
restaurant in San Francisco.
286
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:28,828
So, I'm not saying all abortion
clinics should be shut down,
287
00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,096
but that one can fucking go.
288
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,234
That one can get gone!
289
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:40,507
My kids call me Baba, I grew up
thinking it was Urdu for Dad,
290
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:43,410
'cause all of my cousins,
my Pakistani cousins,
291
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,178
call their dads Baba.
292
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,714
And I'm explaining this to my
white friend when my dad
293
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,983
is visiting, this year, okay?
294
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:53,787
And my dad cuts me off when
I say, "Baba is Urdu for Dad,"
295
00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:55,822
and he goes, "No, it's not."
296
00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:59,759
I'm like, "What, Dad?" He goes,
297
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:03,296
"Baba is Urdu for any old man."
298
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,669
I'm like, "You're telling me
this now, bitch?"
299
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,939
Fuck you, Baba!
300
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:14,541
Anyway, I've been Any Old Man,
301
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:16,342
have a great night,
you guys are terrific!
302
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:28,088
Thank you, Sabrina Jalees!
303
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:32,826
Fun fact, everybody, fun fact.
304
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:36,196
Our next comic went to high
school with Nelly Furtado!
305
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,365
Wooo!
306
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:42,469
And he's new to the wonderful
world of bisexuality!
307
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,938
Wooo!
308
00:16:44,938 --> 00:16:47,574
Now, as a seasoned pro,
309
00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:50,243
I can tell you, you can't teach
an old bi new tricks,
310
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:54,881
but I am very happy to show
a new bi some old dick!
311
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:59,853
I'll be here all night, please
give it up for Dan Duvall!
312
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,267
Hello, Montreal!
313
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,772
{\an8}It's good to be here,
I am a newly-out
314
00:17:18,772 --> 00:17:20,640
{\an8}bisexual man!
315
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,279
Thank you, it is exhausting!
316
00:17:27,681 --> 00:17:29,516
It's like being a golden
retriever, you know,
317
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:30,950
you gotta say hi to everybody.
318
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,092
But I-I-I-I travel all across
the country
319
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,427
doing up stand-up comedy,
320
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:44,130
and it's interesting talking
about this in different parts
321
00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:45,999
of the country.
You understand?
322
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:48,435
Like it's, it's easy
here in Montreal,
323
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,070
everybody parties till
five o'clock in the morning,
324
00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:50,970
everybody talks
with their hands,
325
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:52,439
this place is gay as hell.
326
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,975
You know, but I gotta do this
in Alberta!
327
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:01,014
They have straight
Pride parades there.
328
00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:05,418
They had a huge one,
went all the way to Ottawa!
329
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,292
Yeah.
330
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,393
Honk!
331
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,729
Yeah man, the convoy.
332
00:18:15,729 --> 00:18:18,331
I was in, I was just
in Calgary for Pride,
333
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:20,600
I don't know if you know this,
did you know that Calgary
334
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,070
has the biggest Pride event
in Canada, did you know that?
335
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:26,906
Yeah, it's called
the Calgary Stampede.
336
00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,879
Yeah, a bunch of city boys,
337
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,148
dressed up like cowboys!
338
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:38,785
Playing with horses,
brushing them.
339
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,691
Pretty gay!
340
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:48,294
You tell me what's gayer than
five ripped, shirtless dudes
341
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,730
in cowboy hats pretending they
don't wanna kiss each other!
342
00:18:54,034 --> 00:18:55,935
Yeah, so this is all, this is
all pretty new for me,
343
00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,937
I'm figuring out where on
the spectrum I kind of sit,
344
00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:01,174
and at first, I thought I was
like 80/20 percent, you know,
345
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,776
like just the tip, and then--
346
00:19:04,044 --> 00:19:08,782
As time has gone on and my
Pornhub searches have expanded.
347
00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:12,619
I've learned that it's more
like 50/50, you know?
348
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:17,023
It's, it's good, but I-I like,
I'm, I'm 44 years old,
349
00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:19,592
so I came out in my forties,
I'm 44, which is crazy,
350
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:22,562
because I'm hot as hell,
you know?
351
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:27,133
But I grew up in the 90s
and I grew up desperately
352
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:29,903
trying to act like I was not
hooking up with my friends,
353
00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:33,406
you know, it was, it was a very
crazy time in my life,
354
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:35,275
and so, you know,
355
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,744
that's what it was like,
and now I'm trying,
356
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:39,846
I'm living my life out loud
as a person, the person
357
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:42,649
that I was always meant to be,
you know, it's great.
358
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,984
Thank you!
359
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,720
It's amazing, right?
360
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,090
But it's different now, and now
I can, it's better, like,
361
00:19:50,090 --> 00:19:53,827
I'm doing stuff that I could not
do as a straight person, right?
362
00:19:53,827 --> 00:19:55,695
Like, I'm using sunscreen!
363
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:02,836
I'm washing my legs in the
shower, it's a whole thing!
364
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:07,307
It's crazy, I was in High Park
in Toronto,
365
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:09,476
and a chipmunk
crawled into my hand!
366
00:20:11,277 --> 00:20:13,446
Right? Back when I was straight,
I would've crushed it!
367
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,583
So I, I started telling people,
368
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,785
I felt comfortable enough
where I started telling people,
369
00:20:18,785 --> 00:20:21,354
and um, and most people
had no idea,
370
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:22,589
most people were totally shocked
371
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,957
when I started talking
about this.
372
00:20:23,957 --> 00:20:26,893
But there were some people
who knew, there were some people
373
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,228
who knew the whole time.
374
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:29,929
Like, my best friend Craig,
375
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:32,465
who I used to hook up with while
his dad was at work?
376
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,503
He knew, you know?
377
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:39,105
He cracked the case,
cracked it wide open!
378
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:40,140
You know what I'm saying?
379
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:46,379
But I told my sisters first.
I have two older sisters,
380
00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:49,349
so for my dad it went girl,
girl, and then a boy,
381
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:50,450
and he was like, "Yes!"
382
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,385
And then I was like,
"Not so fast!"
383
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,522
"Okay? I'm pretty too, Don!"
384
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:58,024
And then, So, I told them first,
385
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:00,960
and they were like,
"Yeah, we know.
386
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,662
We've been calling you
a homo your whole life!"
387
00:21:04,164 --> 00:21:06,466
"Did you think we were joking?"
388
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,968
So I told them and it went good,
so then I was like,
389
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:10,270
I'm gonna tell my mom, right?
390
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:12,038
I'm gonna tell my
76-year-old mom,
391
00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:14,774
so I called my mom up
on the phone, and I said,
392
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:17,510
"Mom, I want you to know,
I also like dudes."
393
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:21,281
Okay? And then my mom said,
and I quote,
394
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:24,684
"Ewww, gross!"
395
00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,356
And, and then right away,
396
00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:31,391
she's like, "I'm sorry I said
that," she's like, "I'm sorry!"
397
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,893
She's like, "It's just, I'm in
the grocery store,
398
00:21:33,893 --> 00:21:35,662
I'm grocery shopping right now."
399
00:21:35,662 --> 00:21:38,264
She's like, "I'm in the meat
department, this is a lot!"
400
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:44,170
Yeah, so, I told her and that
went well, and then I was like,
401
00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:46,306
I-I'm like, I'm gonna tell
my dad.
402
00:21:46,306 --> 00:21:48,274
Right? And that's
a different thing,
403
00:21:48,274 --> 00:21:51,311
'cause my dad is not
like me at all, okay?
404
00:21:51,311 --> 00:21:55,482
My dad is from a town in
Saskatchewan called Cut Knife.
405
00:21:57,784 --> 00:22:01,121
That is a town named after how
you died and the murder weapon!
406
00:22:02,889 --> 00:22:05,659
He's a dad, do you understand?
Like, he's a dad,
407
00:22:05,659 --> 00:22:08,395
like he just wakes up
and says the price of gas.
408
00:22:14,534 --> 00:22:16,403
His pronouns are
Kirkland Signature,
409
00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:17,470
he's a dad!
410
00:22:19,539 --> 00:22:22,642
So, I did, I told him. I told my
dad, I finally told him,
411
00:22:22,642 --> 00:22:24,277
I told my dad,
I did it. Yeah.
412
00:22:26,446 --> 00:22:28,481
Yeah.
413
00:22:28,481 --> 00:22:31,951
So, so my mom got a phone
call, my dad? Got a text.
414
00:22:31,951 --> 00:22:33,887
I shot him a text,
415
00:22:33,887 --> 00:22:35,321
I shot my dad a text, I said,
416
00:22:35,321 --> 00:22:38,391
"Dad, I just want you to know
I also like dudes."
417
00:22:38,391 --> 00:22:41,261
Okay? And then I said a bunch
of heartwarming ass stuff
418
00:22:41,261 --> 00:22:43,830
in the middle, and then at the
end, I tried to keep it light,
419
00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,565
I tried to make a joke,
and I was like,
420
00:22:45,565 --> 00:22:48,668
"I hope we can still play
golf together."
421
00:22:48,668 --> 00:22:50,637
And this is true, my dad wrote
back one sentence,
422
00:22:50,637 --> 00:22:52,605
just one text, that's it,
and he just said,
423
00:22:52,605 --> 00:22:56,176
"You're not playing
from the ladies tees."
424
00:22:58,812 --> 00:23:01,481
That's a win! That is a win
for my boomer dad.
425
00:23:06,686 --> 00:23:09,489
Besides, I'm playing from both
tees, hasn't beaten me since.
426
00:23:09,489 --> 00:23:10,623
Thanks a lot, you guys!
427
00:23:16,730 --> 00:23:19,366
Thank you, Dan Duvall!
428
00:23:22,035 --> 00:23:24,938
Our next performer coming
to the stage identifies
429
00:23:24,938 --> 00:23:27,273
as a skateboarding lesbian,
430
00:23:27,273 --> 00:23:29,509
which means
she can do a kickflip
431
00:23:29,509 --> 00:23:32,445
and has at least three exes
in the audience tonight.
432
00:23:33,847 --> 00:23:35,815
Please welcome Irene Tu!
433
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:50,897
What's up, everybody? Um,
I'm having a pretty good year,
434
00:23:50,897 --> 00:23:53,166
I'm trying to be
a better person this year,
435
00:23:53,166 --> 00:23:57,070
{\an8}and a lot of my friends
are activists, you know,
436
00:23:57,070 --> 00:24:00,473
{\an8}they're queer, uh, and I would
like to do that, you know,
437
00:24:00,473 --> 00:24:02,042
{\an8}I want to be more
of an activist.
438
00:24:02,042 --> 00:24:06,946
I just don't know if I have
the personality of an activist,
439
00:24:06,946 --> 00:24:10,183
because activists are
440
00:24:10,183 --> 00:24:11,818
fucking annoying!
441
00:24:14,054 --> 00:24:16,856
That's just a fact, okay?
442
00:24:16,856 --> 00:24:19,926
And I don't mean that
in a bad way,
443
00:24:19,926 --> 00:24:22,095
'cause that's the whole job.
444
00:24:23,296 --> 00:24:27,267
It's to be
professionally annoying!
445
00:24:27,267 --> 00:24:30,136
Think about it, you're not gonna
change a law being nice.
446
00:24:30,136 --> 00:24:31,671
Woo!
447
00:24:31,671 --> 00:24:35,742
Yeah, you have to be so
fucking annoying
448
00:24:35,742 --> 00:24:38,244
that somebody's like...
449
00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:42,382
"Okay, we'll give you
gay marriage!
450
00:24:42,382 --> 00:24:45,218
Can you leave us alone?"
451
00:24:45,218 --> 00:24:47,087
"I'm trying to eat!"
452
00:24:50,123 --> 00:24:52,992
That's how social change works.
453
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:57,197
That's why I'm so glad that
gay marriage is legal now.
454
00:25:01,668 --> 00:25:03,002
'Cause that means,
455
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:04,704
I didn't have to fight for it!
456
00:25:04,704 --> 00:25:07,574
You know? And I just got to reap
the rewards.
457
00:25:07,574 --> 00:25:10,577
I was born in the right decade.
458
00:25:10,577 --> 00:25:12,145
Like, if I was born any earlier,
459
00:25:12,145 --> 00:25:15,148
and I had to be a part
of the gay rights movement,
460
00:25:15,148 --> 00:25:18,785
I probably would've just like...
461
00:25:18,785 --> 00:25:21,554
been straight, you know?
462
00:25:21,554 --> 00:25:24,557
I'd be like, "That's too much
work, honestly.
463
00:25:24,557 --> 00:25:26,926
I don't know if we're gonna
get it in my lifetime.
464
00:25:26,926 --> 00:25:29,562
I'll just get a beard instead,
that seems easier."
465
00:25:32,265 --> 00:25:35,502
But you know, I'm trying to do
more, okay? Baby steps, right?
466
00:25:35,502 --> 00:25:39,906
Like, I can't step in front
of a tank immediately, so...
467
00:25:44,277 --> 00:25:48,348
I was like, what's a way that
I can help out that involves
468
00:25:48,348 --> 00:25:50,884
little to no effort on my part?
469
00:25:52,686 --> 00:25:53,887
And a couple of years ago,
470
00:25:53,887 --> 00:25:56,423
we had this big writer's strike
in LA, and I was like,
471
00:25:56,423 --> 00:26:00,326
"Okay, great.
I'm gonna support the strike."
472
00:26:00,326 --> 00:26:03,263
So I started posting about it
on Instagram.
473
00:26:06,399 --> 00:26:09,569
That's it, that's all I did!
474
00:26:09,569 --> 00:26:12,439
I'm a hero!
475
00:26:12,439 --> 00:26:15,442
I just don't like that every
protest involves
476
00:26:15,442 --> 00:26:18,111
physical activity.
477
00:26:18,111 --> 00:26:19,412
Have you noticed that?
478
00:26:19,412 --> 00:26:22,048
Like, why are we always
marching to places?
479
00:26:22,048 --> 00:26:25,552
Activists, we're a frail people.
480
00:26:25,552 --> 00:26:29,022
We should be catering
to our strengths.
481
00:26:29,022 --> 00:26:32,692
Like, did you know in the 60s,
they did all these sit-ins?
482
00:26:34,594 --> 00:26:36,663
Let's bring those back!
483
00:26:36,663 --> 00:26:38,131
Yeah, you guys are all sitting
right now,
484
00:26:38,131 --> 00:26:40,934
this could of been a protest!
485
00:26:40,934 --> 00:26:43,336
Right? Like, we were fighting
Netflix, okay.
486
00:26:43,336 --> 00:26:45,338
Let's go into
Netflix and chill!
487
00:26:47,273 --> 00:26:49,542
That would've been a perfect
protest, okay?
488
00:26:49,542 --> 00:26:51,745
But no, I have to
run a 3K for my rights!
489
00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:56,416
I didn't train for this!
490
00:26:56,416 --> 00:26:59,419
And I never know
what to put on my sign.
491
00:27:01,121 --> 00:27:05,992
Like, you have to show up to
a protest with a good ass sign,
492
00:27:05,992 --> 00:27:08,828
'cause that's the only way
that you get photographed.
493
00:27:10,196 --> 00:27:13,533
And that's the most
important part.
494
00:27:13,533 --> 00:27:16,603
'Cause if you weren't
photographed at the protest,
495
00:27:16,603 --> 00:27:19,039
were you even there?
496
00:27:19,039 --> 00:27:20,407
Yeah, how are you gonna
show people later,
497
00:27:20,407 --> 00:27:22,475
you're a good person?
498
00:27:22,475 --> 00:27:26,446
'Cause, I want to be able
to flex on my kids one day.
499
00:27:26,446 --> 00:27:28,381
You know, we get into
a argument, right?
500
00:27:28,381 --> 00:27:30,784
Me and my asshole son.
501
00:27:30,784 --> 00:27:32,719
He's straight, he sucks.
502
00:27:34,421 --> 00:27:39,626
He's yelling at me. He's like,
"Mom! You're a bad person!"
503
00:27:40,727 --> 00:27:44,497
And I'm like, "Oh! Okay!
504
00:27:44,497 --> 00:27:49,369
Fine, you think I'm a baaad
person, alright.
505
00:27:49,369 --> 00:27:52,238
See that US history book?"
506
00:27:52,238 --> 00:27:54,541
"Yeah, turn to page 354."
507
00:27:55,809 --> 00:27:58,578
And he's like, "Okay."
508
00:27:58,578 --> 00:27:59,979
I point to a photo,
509
00:27:59,979 --> 00:28:02,849
I'm like that's a picture of me!
510
00:28:02,849 --> 00:28:05,051
Protesting!"
511
00:28:05,051 --> 00:28:07,821
Yeah! That's the back
of my head.
512
00:28:10,590 --> 00:28:14,761
And he's like, "Okay, cool.
Uh, what was the protest for?"
513
00:28:14,761 --> 00:28:17,063
And I'm like, "...
514
00:28:19,299 --> 00:28:21,267
I don't know!"
515
00:28:21,267 --> 00:28:23,737
"I just did it for the photo,
you're grounded!"
516
00:28:25,205 --> 00:28:28,208
And he's like,
"Does that say January 6th?"
517
00:28:32,278 --> 00:28:34,481
"Don't look at that! Okay?
518
00:28:34,481 --> 00:28:36,082
I thought it was
a costume party."
519
00:28:37,884 --> 00:28:39,653
But no, I did think back on it,
520
00:28:39,653 --> 00:28:42,956
and I realized that I didn't go
to any of the protests in 2020,
521
00:28:42,956 --> 00:28:44,457
there were a lot of them,
522
00:28:44,457 --> 00:28:46,593
you know, the Black Lives Matter
protests.
523
00:28:46,593 --> 00:28:49,162
And it's not because I didn't
support it, okay?
524
00:28:49,162 --> 00:28:52,032
I was actually living with
my grandparents at the time,
525
00:28:52,032 --> 00:28:54,834
and this was early on in
the pandemic,
526
00:28:54,834 --> 00:28:56,736
we didn't know
how Covid worked.
527
00:28:56,736 --> 00:28:59,372
Yeah, I didn't want to
accidentally get Covid
528
00:28:59,372 --> 00:29:02,475
at a protest, bring it home
and like,
529
00:29:02,475 --> 00:29:04,644
kill my grandparents.
530
00:29:04,644 --> 00:29:07,580
You know, I had to decide what
was more important to me.
531
00:29:07,580 --> 00:29:10,450
Not killing my grandma,
532
00:29:10,450 --> 00:29:13,353
or, fighting police brutality.
533
00:29:14,888 --> 00:29:17,490
And I went with
not killing my grandma.
534
00:29:19,259 --> 00:29:21,594
And that still weighs on me.
535
00:29:24,030 --> 00:29:26,266
Cause she's racist.
536
00:29:26,266 --> 00:29:27,834
So...
537
00:29:32,706 --> 00:29:35,375
I feel like I shoulda gone!
538
00:29:37,077 --> 00:29:39,112
And killed two birds
with one stone.
539
00:29:39,112 --> 00:29:41,314
You know?
540
00:29:41,314 --> 00:29:43,483
Thank you guys so much,
I've been Irene Tu!
541
00:29:51,791 --> 00:29:54,127
Thank you, Irene Tu!
542
00:29:54,127 --> 00:29:56,663
I changed.
543
00:29:56,663 --> 00:29:59,799
Our next performer used to teach
elementary school,
544
00:29:59,799 --> 00:30:02,602
and once again, he's standing
in front of a room
545
00:30:02,602 --> 00:30:05,238
full of people thinking,
"What's that smell?"
546
00:30:06,806 --> 00:30:09,609
He was named one of Variety's
10 Comics To Watch,
547
00:30:09,609 --> 00:30:10,910
so you're welcome Montreal,
548
00:30:10,910 --> 00:30:13,947
you can watch him right now.
Please welcome Joe Dombrowski!
549
00:30:21,321 --> 00:30:23,656
Montreal, how are we?
550
00:30:25,291 --> 00:30:28,228
Thank you. It's, it's so good
to be back,
551
00:30:28,228 --> 00:30:30,797
I love travelling
to other countries for comedy,
552
00:30:30,797 --> 00:30:33,600
{\an8}I was, I was recently in another
foreign country,
553
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,069
{\an8}I was in, um...
554
00:30:36,069 --> 00:30:38,438
{\an8}Florida, and.
555
00:30:38,438 --> 00:30:40,807
I don't know, okay, here's
the thing. I went to the bar
556
00:30:40,807 --> 00:30:42,175
after every single one
of my shows,
557
00:30:42,175 --> 00:30:43,910
'cause I was a teacher
for 10 years,
558
00:30:43,910 --> 00:30:47,247
so now I'm an alcoholic, and...
559
00:30:47,247 --> 00:30:49,349
I'm sitting at the bar
minding my business,
560
00:30:49,349 --> 00:30:52,318
and this cockroach runs,
I'm, that's my biggest fear.
561
00:30:52,318 --> 00:30:53,620
I don't do cockroaches,
562
00:30:53,620 --> 00:30:56,589
I do do them,
without the roaches part, but!
563
00:30:58,625 --> 00:31:02,195
Sitting there, cockroach runs
across the table, levitates,
564
00:31:02,195 --> 00:31:05,231
flies into my face!
565
00:31:05,231 --> 00:31:08,168
I rant to the bartender,
I was like, "Excuse me,
566
00:31:08,168 --> 00:31:11,671
I've just been accosted
by the Florida state bird!
567
00:31:13,606 --> 00:31:16,142
And he just looked at me,
and he said, "Ma'am?
568
00:31:16,142 --> 00:31:18,244
That is..."
569
00:31:23,850 --> 00:31:25,819
"In those loafers?
570
00:31:27,787 --> 00:31:29,990
Ma'am, that's a Palmetto bug."
571
00:31:29,990 --> 00:31:32,058
And, do you know this term that
they use down there,
572
00:31:32,058 --> 00:31:34,494
Palmetto bug? It's what
they call cockroaches,
573
00:31:34,494 --> 00:31:38,131
and I hate it, cause you can't
just take something disgusting,
574
00:31:38,131 --> 00:31:40,900
slap a cute name on it, and now
it's socially acceptable.
575
00:31:40,900 --> 00:31:44,170
Right? Like, you can't just
put glitter on a 19-inch dildo,
576
00:31:44,170 --> 00:31:45,739
call it "comfortable!"
577
00:31:45,739 --> 00:31:48,475
It's...
578
00:31:48,475 --> 00:31:51,211
It'll still bring harm
to you, so...
579
00:31:53,346 --> 00:31:56,016
So I'm sitting there,
drinking my Dirty Martini,
580
00:31:56,016 --> 00:31:58,985
because, duh? And...
581
00:31:58,985 --> 00:32:01,287
These two Florida people,
just let me tell ya,
582
00:32:01,287 --> 00:32:04,991
beacons of Floridian excellence!
583
00:32:04,991 --> 00:32:06,893
They just start walking
towards me,
584
00:32:06,893 --> 00:32:09,596
all four teeth
collectively, and...
585
00:32:09,596 --> 00:32:12,165
I-I didn't catch their names,
586
00:32:12,165 --> 00:32:14,801
but for the sake of the story,
we'll call them Methany Frankel
587
00:32:14,801 --> 00:32:16,670
and Fentyana Rodriguez, and...
588
00:32:19,639 --> 00:32:22,575
And one of 'em starts talking
to me, and she goes,
589
00:32:22,575 --> 00:32:25,478
"Joe? I just wanna let you know
590
00:32:25,478 --> 00:32:28,348
that we didn't think you were
funny, because--"
591
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:37,157
"Teachers in this country
are actually teaching
592
00:32:37,157 --> 00:32:38,858
kids to be gay!"
593
00:32:40,460 --> 00:32:41,728
"Methany!"
594
00:32:47,300 --> 00:32:49,302
"That's crazy,
I taught for 10 years,
595
00:32:49,302 --> 00:32:50,904
I couldn't even teach
'em to write their name
596
00:32:50,904 --> 00:32:53,873
at the top of the page!"
597
00:32:53,873 --> 00:32:56,209
And that's just not true, okay?
598
00:32:56,209 --> 00:32:58,545
Because if teachers were still
teaching the kids
599
00:32:58,545 --> 00:32:59,913
anything to be gay,
600
00:32:59,913 --> 00:33:02,315
teachers would be
still teaching cursive. Hm?"
601
00:33:03,850 --> 00:33:06,619
'Cause cursive's just
gay language, girl,
602
00:33:06,619 --> 00:33:08,054
let's be real.
603
00:33:08,054 --> 00:33:10,724
It's just homosexual
hieroglyphs, if you ask me!
604
00:33:10,724 --> 00:33:13,660
'Cause if you write the letter A
in print, you say, "Ey!"
605
00:33:13,660 --> 00:33:16,930
If you write the letter A in
cursive, you say, "Eyyyyy!"
606
00:33:25,572 --> 00:33:28,975
A lot has changed since last
time I've been in Montreal,
607
00:33:28,975 --> 00:33:30,810
last time I was here,
I was getting married.
608
00:33:30,810 --> 00:33:33,346
This time, I'm having a baby.
609
00:33:33,346 --> 00:33:35,015
Thank you!
610
00:33:35,015 --> 00:33:36,649
Thank you, I'm very excited.
611
00:33:36,649 --> 00:33:37,984
Let me tell you this, though,
612
00:33:37,984 --> 00:33:42,422
super hard to name a baby when
you used to be a teacher, okay?
613
00:33:42,422 --> 00:33:44,157
Like, I'm throwing out all
these names,
614
00:33:44,157 --> 00:33:46,860
my husband's shutting 'em all
down. He's like, "Megan."
615
00:33:46,860 --> 00:33:50,630
"Talker." "Jenna." "Talker."
"Gillian." "Pooped herself."
616
00:33:53,033 --> 00:33:55,135
So then he was like,
"Why don't you just make a list
617
00:33:55,135 --> 00:33:57,904
of celebrity names, and maybe
that will jog something
618
00:33:57,904 --> 00:34:00,774
within us, and I said,
"Chaka Khan!"
619
00:34:03,209 --> 00:34:06,179
He hates it! I love it, 'cause
can you picture two gay dads
620
00:34:06,179 --> 00:34:09,249
with a Chaka Khan, and it's not
a French bulldog?
621
00:34:11,017 --> 00:34:12,452
And, I just want a Chaka Khan
622
00:34:12,452 --> 00:34:13,920
so that I can pick her up
from school
623
00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:16,656
and stand at parent pick-up,
and be like, "Chaka Khan!"
624
00:34:19,025 --> 00:34:24,030
But, his top three names
are Mable, Eloise and Lois,
625
00:34:24,030 --> 00:34:26,966
I was like, "Oh, didn't realize
we were making a small army
626
00:34:26,966 --> 00:34:28,401
of suffragettes!"
627
00:34:32,272 --> 00:34:34,340
Lois, I feel like I'm gonna be
at the hospital
628
00:34:34,340 --> 00:34:36,443
and then you have to say
to people, "Oh, this?"
629
00:34:39,245 --> 00:34:41,247
"It's Lois."
630
00:34:41,247 --> 00:34:44,184
"Yeah, she's got a drinking
problem, and."
631
00:34:45,885 --> 00:34:48,888
"We'd go home, but the car seat
doesn't fit
632
00:34:48,888 --> 00:34:51,024
in our covered wagon, so!"
633
00:34:54,961 --> 00:34:57,097
We're doing IVF and surrogacy,
634
00:34:57,097 --> 00:34:59,132
just as the Lord intended it,
and um.
635
00:35:00,467 --> 00:35:02,168
My husband and I are
complete opposites,
636
00:35:02,168 --> 00:35:06,039
and he doesn't like when
I panic in medical situations.
637
00:35:06,039 --> 00:35:08,208
Like, I had to get
a colonoscopy last year,
638
00:35:08,208 --> 00:35:10,110
and at the doctor's
appointment,
639
00:35:10,110 --> 00:35:12,245
the doctor looked at me,
and he said,
640
00:35:12,245 --> 00:35:13,847
"Joe, this might hurt a little."
641
00:35:13,847 --> 00:35:16,016
And I panicked and I said,
"I think we're fine!"
642
00:35:17,717 --> 00:35:20,153
And then he put his finger
in me, and I did panic, I said,
643
00:35:20,153 --> 00:35:22,288
"Look, it's like I'm your little
finger puppet, Rick!
644
00:35:22,288 --> 00:35:24,124
Wer, wer, wer,
wer, wer, wer, wer!"
645
00:35:24,124 --> 00:35:25,759
I hate myself, I do,
646
00:35:25,759 --> 00:35:28,194
I hate myself, just take
my voice, Ursula,
647
00:35:28,194 --> 00:35:29,529
I don't deserve it! Anyway.
648
00:35:31,698 --> 00:35:34,300
But Morgan can do anything,
and I, when I was like,
649
00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:37,370
"Morgan, you can do it all,
and I can't do anything!"
650
00:35:37,370 --> 00:35:39,973
And he's so sweet, he stops me
and he goes,
651
00:35:39,973 --> 00:35:43,076
"It's okay, we're a team, babe."
652
00:35:43,076 --> 00:35:44,778
And I think that that is,
653
00:35:44,778 --> 00:35:46,780
nauseating!
654
00:35:47,947 --> 00:35:50,483
So he planned our whole
baby journey, and we met
655
00:35:50,483 --> 00:35:52,152
with a fertility specialist,
656
00:35:52,152 --> 00:35:54,054
and we were picking
the egg donor,
657
00:35:54,054 --> 00:35:56,556
and the specialist looked
at me and said,
658
00:35:56,556 --> 00:35:59,526
"What kind of women are you
into?" And then I, um,
659
00:35:59,526 --> 00:36:01,194
threw up in my mouth
a little. And...
660
00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:06,366
She said, "Oh no, if you were of
heterosexual descent,"
661
00:36:13,306 --> 00:36:14,674
"In these boots!"
662
00:36:16,976 --> 00:36:20,747
"What qualities in a woman would
you be seeking?" And I said,
663
00:36:20,747 --> 00:36:22,982
"Thank you for asking, she'd
have to be smart and funny,
664
00:36:22,982 --> 00:36:25,518
built like a linebacker, um."
665
00:36:26,753 --> 00:36:29,155
"I'd like her main adjective
to be sturdy,
666
00:36:29,155 --> 00:36:33,193
and I'd like her to look like
the antagonist in 'Matilda.'"
667
00:36:38,365 --> 00:36:40,433
And then they whisked us into
another meeting,
668
00:36:40,433 --> 00:36:42,569
so they could collect our,
um, samples -
669
00:36:42,569 --> 00:36:44,170
I'm sorry about your
face! And we're--
670
00:36:46,406 --> 00:36:49,542
...we're in this room, it's
crowded, there's nowhere to sit,
671
00:36:49,542 --> 00:36:51,344
so Morgan and I are all the way
in the back
672
00:36:51,344 --> 00:36:53,179
when a nurse chimes in,
and she goes,
673
00:36:53,179 --> 00:36:55,582
"Joe, Morgan, I only have
one room available."
674
00:36:55,582 --> 00:36:57,717
"I can only take one of you
right now."
675
00:36:57,717 --> 00:36:59,886
And I stood up
in front of all those men,
676
00:36:59,886 --> 00:37:04,057
and I said, "It's okay,
we can go together!"
677
00:37:05,759 --> 00:37:08,294
Morgan's like, "Shut up!"
678
00:37:08,294 --> 00:37:09,929
I said, "What?
679
00:37:09,929 --> 00:37:11,498
We're a team, babe!"
680
00:37:12,966 --> 00:37:16,603
I'm Joe Dombrowski, thank you so
much! Thank you! Thank you!
681
00:37:22,042 --> 00:37:24,110
Thank you, Joe Dombrowski!
682
00:37:26,212 --> 00:37:28,648
Are you having
a good night, Montreal?
683
00:37:30,250 --> 00:37:32,485
Passez-vous une bonne nuit?
684
00:37:33,586 --> 00:37:35,355
It's French! Um...
685
00:37:35,355 --> 00:37:36,990
I was just talking backstage
686
00:37:36,990 --> 00:37:40,160
about the fact that this is sort
of the epicentre of queerness
687
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:42,629
in the world, tonight,
right here, this is...
688
00:37:43,963 --> 00:37:46,399
This is gay Ground Zero, people!
689
00:37:46,399 --> 00:37:50,837
Uh, I've done quite a lot
of big queer things in my time,
690
00:37:50,837 --> 00:37:52,906
but no names!
I'll never kiss and tell.
691
00:37:52,906 --> 00:37:57,510
No, what I mean is I've done
a lot of big queer things on TV,
692
00:37:57,510 --> 00:38:00,513
I've been, for example,
fucked up the ass by a lesbian
693
00:38:00,513 --> 00:38:02,182
with a strap-on
on The "L" Word.
694
00:38:02,182 --> 00:38:04,050
Wooo!
695
00:38:04,050 --> 00:38:06,553
Oh yes, I was way ahead of the
pegging curve.
696
00:38:06,553 --> 00:38:09,589
Eat me, Prince William! And...
697
00:38:12,158 --> 00:38:14,394
What, too soon? Sorry!
698
00:38:14,394 --> 00:38:17,330
I was also in one of the gayest
films ever made,
699
00:38:17,330 --> 00:38:20,633
uh no, not SpiceWorld,
though I was in that, too.
700
00:38:20,633 --> 00:38:22,802
No, I'm talking about when
I played Nightcrawler
701
00:38:22,802 --> 00:38:24,804
in one of the X-Men films.
702
00:38:26,172 --> 00:38:29,976
Yes, the gayest film ever made!
703
00:38:29,976 --> 00:38:33,413
I mean, people having
to hide their true identity
704
00:38:33,413 --> 00:38:35,815
and wearing a lot of leather,
I mean, come on!
705
00:38:37,250 --> 00:38:40,253
I've also been in a lot of,
sort of, gay classics,
706
00:38:40,253 --> 00:38:43,156
like Josie and the Pussycats.
707
00:38:43,156 --> 00:38:45,258
Shot here in Canada.
708
00:38:45,258 --> 00:38:49,029
Uh, and I've won many accolades,
and um, many awards in my time,
709
00:38:49,029 --> 00:38:52,332
but I am still smarting
from losing
710
00:38:52,332 --> 00:38:55,902
the 1997 MTV Movie Award
711
00:38:55,902 --> 00:38:57,837
for Best Dance Sequence,
712
00:38:57,837 --> 00:39:00,640
for my work with Lisa Kudrow
and Mira Sorvino
713
00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:02,242
in Romy and Michelle's
High School Reunion!
714
00:39:05,879 --> 00:39:09,249
I've also been in some very
queer-coded films.
715
00:39:09,249 --> 00:39:12,419
I was um, Mr. Floop
in the Spy Kids trilogy.
716
00:39:14,254 --> 00:39:15,822
Yes, he's a queer one.
717
00:39:15,822 --> 00:39:17,590
But, just a word of warning,
718
00:39:17,590 --> 00:39:21,194
if you are thinking of ever
coming up to me to express
719
00:39:21,194 --> 00:39:24,898
how much Mr. Floop and Spy Kids
meant to you as a child,
720
00:39:24,898 --> 00:39:27,801
please do not do it in the
manner of a young man
721
00:39:27,801 --> 00:39:29,602
who came up to me
in Albuquerque,
722
00:39:29,602 --> 00:39:31,171
a couple of years ago.
723
00:39:31,171 --> 00:39:33,707
Because he came up,
almost crying, and said,
724
00:39:33,707 --> 00:39:38,111
"Alan, you touched me a lot when
I was a little boy!"
725
00:39:39,946 --> 00:39:42,349
No! No!
726
00:39:42,349 --> 00:39:44,317
No, we will not,
Albuquerque!
727
00:39:46,353 --> 00:39:48,188
And of course, more recently,
you may know me
728
00:39:48,188 --> 00:39:50,690
as the host of The Traitors,
which is...
729
00:39:54,294 --> 00:39:58,264
Which is the campest thing
I have ever been in,
730
00:39:58,264 --> 00:40:00,900
and that's me saying that!
731
00:40:00,900 --> 00:40:04,037
The Traitors is such fun
to shoot, it really is,
732
00:40:04,037 --> 00:40:08,074
in such a sort of incredible,
sociological experiment.
733
00:40:08,074 --> 00:40:11,778
I'm constantly amazed
by the stupid decisions.
734
00:40:13,079 --> 00:40:14,681
That the players make on it,
735
00:40:14,681 --> 00:40:17,717
how they get all swept up with
this sort of pack mentality,
736
00:40:17,717 --> 00:40:20,720
you know? I actually say
that the Traitors is like
737
00:40:20,720 --> 00:40:23,289
Lord of the Flies with Botox.
738
00:40:40,373 --> 00:40:42,075
Ooh, they're harder to open
than you think!
739
00:40:43,977 --> 00:40:46,446
"Dear Allan,"
740
00:40:46,446 --> 00:40:49,149
"By order of the Traitors,
you have been murdered."
741
00:40:50,950 --> 00:40:54,054
I've been murdered?
742
00:40:54,054 --> 00:40:56,690
Who are you, bitch?
743
00:40:56,690 --> 00:40:57,857
Oh my goodness!
744
00:40:57,857 --> 00:40:58,992
Ha!
745
00:40:58,992 --> 00:41:01,594
It's Karine Vanasse, host of
The Traitors Canada!
746
00:41:10,203 --> 00:41:11,204
Karine!
747
00:41:11,204 --> 00:41:12,706
Mm-hmm!
748
00:41:12,706 --> 00:41:13,773
What are you doing here?
749
00:41:13,773 --> 00:41:15,542
And why were you wearing
my bathrobe?
750
00:41:15,542 --> 00:41:18,111
Non! Oh, Allan,
751
00:41:18,111 --> 00:41:20,613
I was told the host of
The Traitors Canada
752
00:41:20,613 --> 00:41:22,282
was hosting
this gala tonight.
753
00:41:22,282 --> 00:41:24,351
- Oh!
- Mm-hmm!
754
00:41:24,351 --> 00:41:26,286
Oh no, it's the host
of The Traitors
755
00:41:26,286 --> 00:41:28,288
was hosting this gala
IN Canada.
756
00:41:28,288 --> 00:41:29,756
Oh, I'm sorry!
757
00:41:29,756 --> 00:41:31,825
Oh, don't--
758
00:41:31,825 --> 00:41:33,126
Don't be sorry,
it's totally fine!
759
00:41:33,126 --> 00:41:34,594
I mean, now that you're here.
- Mm-hmm!
760
00:41:34,594 --> 00:41:37,497
Shall we, uh, why don't we do
some Traitors voice exercises?
761
00:41:37,497 --> 00:41:38,665
Oh yes, why not?
762
00:41:38,665 --> 00:41:40,000
- Ready? Okay, here we go.
- Yes!
763
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,569
Murrrderrrr!
764
00:41:42,569 --> 00:41:45,405
Murrrrrdeeuuuurrr!
765
00:41:45,405 --> 00:41:46,906
Pretty good, yes, pretty good!
766
00:41:46,906 --> 00:41:47,941
Here's another one.
767
00:41:47,941 --> 00:41:48,842
Yes.
768
00:41:48,842 --> 00:41:51,044
A quarter of a million
dollars!
769
00:41:51,044 --> 00:41:52,946
Haha!
770
00:41:52,946 --> 00:41:56,182
One hundred--
771
00:41:56,182 --> 00:42:00,153
Canadian dollars!
772
00:42:02,389 --> 00:42:04,290
Very good!
773
00:42:04,290 --> 00:42:07,427
Shall we do the next
introduction together?
774
00:42:07,427 --> 00:42:08,728
- Yes, just a second.
- Oh yes.
775
00:42:08,728 --> 00:42:10,196
- Oh yeah!
- Got my bathrobe.
776
00:42:10,196 --> 00:42:12,198
Yes.
777
00:42:12,198 --> 00:42:14,200
Uh, okay. Please welcome
to the stage.
778
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:18,538
The one, the only,
the ever Faithful.
779
00:42:18,538 --> 00:42:21,174
Tranna Wintour!
780
00:42:31,785 --> 00:42:32,819
{\an8}Um, little known fact,
781
00:42:32,819 --> 00:42:35,388
{\an8}Karine and Alan
are my mom and dad!
782
00:42:35,388 --> 00:42:37,457
Woo!
783
00:42:37,457 --> 00:42:39,592
But before I get started,
I do just have
784
00:42:39,592 --> 00:42:42,095
a little personal announcement
that I need to make,
785
00:42:42,095 --> 00:42:44,064
you probably won't care,
786
00:42:44,064 --> 00:42:46,499
but I just want us all
to be on the same page.
787
00:42:47,434 --> 00:42:52,305
I actually no longer
identify as trans.
788
00:42:52,305 --> 00:42:56,342
I identify as a
two-time reality TV loser.
789
00:43:01,214 --> 00:43:03,316
My pronouns are runner, up.
790
00:43:06,720 --> 00:43:10,256
I made it to the top four of
Quebec's Celebrity Big Brother.
791
00:43:12,792 --> 00:43:16,429
And all the way to the final
two of The Traitors Canada!
792
00:43:18,732 --> 00:43:21,468
For anyone who doesn't know,
the concept of the Traitors
793
00:43:21,468 --> 00:43:24,304
is quite simple. It's kind of
like a murder mystery,
794
00:43:24,304 --> 00:43:28,408
and where 20 contestants
in a mysterious manor.
795
00:43:28,408 --> 00:43:30,143
And among the contestants,
796
00:43:30,143 --> 00:43:33,146
a select few are chosen
to be Traitors,
797
00:43:33,146 --> 00:43:35,615
and the rest of us
are Faithfuls.
798
00:43:35,615 --> 00:43:38,251
And it is the mission
of the Faithfuls to uncover
799
00:43:38,251 --> 00:43:41,688
the identities of the Traitors
before the end of the game,
800
00:43:41,688 --> 00:43:43,890
because if there's even
one Traitor left standing
801
00:43:43,890 --> 00:43:46,626
at the end, they win it all.
802
00:43:46,626 --> 00:43:49,529
Now, as Faithfuls,
we're at a major disadvantage,
803
00:43:49,529 --> 00:43:52,799
we don't really have
a lot to go on besides vibes!
804
00:43:54,968 --> 00:43:57,070
Which is my specialty,
I'm a Pisces,
805
00:43:57,070 --> 00:43:59,072
I can read people really well!
806
00:44:00,673 --> 00:44:03,810
Well...
807
00:44:03,810 --> 00:44:05,045
According to Reddit,
808
00:44:08,081 --> 00:44:13,486
I'm one of the worst players
of all time, internationally!
809
00:44:15,855 --> 00:44:18,725
At the end of every day, we have
a Round Table where we share
810
00:44:18,725 --> 00:44:21,461
who we think the Traitors are,
and then we vote them out.
811
00:44:21,461 --> 00:44:24,030
There was one night
where I very confidently
812
00:44:24,030 --> 00:44:26,566
named four people as Traitors.
813
00:44:27,534 --> 00:44:29,302
There were only three.
814
00:44:31,504 --> 00:44:37,544
Someone also on Reddit made a
calculation that statistically,
815
00:44:37,544 --> 00:44:41,548
the chance of me naming
four people
816
00:44:41,548 --> 00:44:44,217
and not landing
on a Traitor...
817
00:44:46,319 --> 00:44:49,989
...was a 2.3% chance!
818
00:44:53,393 --> 00:44:56,062
That does make me
one of the greats!
819
00:44:56,062 --> 00:44:57,564
Not everybody has that.
820
00:44:59,399 --> 00:45:02,569
I don't want to bring the mood
down, because I am having such
821
00:45:02,569 --> 00:45:05,171
a blast, you are amazing!
822
00:45:07,374 --> 00:45:09,576
But I do want to acknowledge
823
00:45:09,576 --> 00:45:13,880
that this is an extremely hard
time for the LGBTQ community.
824
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:18,284
I never imagined that being
a trans person in 2025
825
00:45:18,284 --> 00:45:20,854
would be harder than it was
10 years ago.
826
00:45:20,854 --> 00:45:22,355
And I'm ashamed to admit,
827
00:45:22,355 --> 00:45:25,225
but something that I do
that calms me sometimes,
828
00:45:25,225 --> 00:45:27,627
is that I like to think
about people
829
00:45:27,627 --> 00:45:30,664
who have it a lot worse
than I do.
830
00:45:31,765 --> 00:45:33,733
Like Jennifer Lopez.
831
00:45:37,170 --> 00:45:38,505
Let me explain.
832
00:45:40,106 --> 00:45:43,476
Let me take you back to 2003,
833
00:45:43,476 --> 00:45:47,881
she was with Ben Affleck,
a love for the ages!
834
00:45:47,881 --> 00:45:50,517
At that time, she was
so inspired by this love
835
00:45:50,517 --> 00:45:52,585
that she wrote an a--
well, "wrote!"
836
00:45:54,354 --> 00:45:56,289
An album called
This Is Me, Then.
837
00:45:56,289 --> 00:45:58,491
And there was even a song
on the album called
838
00:45:58,491 --> 00:46:00,060
Dear Ben.
839
00:46:00,060 --> 00:46:01,561
Beautiful.
840
00:46:01,561 --> 00:46:04,864
As you all know, they broke up
a few days before the wedding,
841
00:46:04,864 --> 00:46:09,369
but 20 years later,
they reunited.
842
00:46:09,369 --> 00:46:13,640
And again, the love between them
was just so powerful,
843
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:17,243
that she was moved
to write a new album!
844
00:46:18,845 --> 00:46:23,183
This time called
This Is Me, Now.
845
00:46:28,288 --> 00:46:30,824
A real clever woman!
846
00:46:30,824 --> 00:46:33,727
There's even a song on this
album called Dear Ben, Part Two.
847
00:46:35,195 --> 00:46:39,132
But the album wasn't enough
to communicate the importance
848
00:46:39,132 --> 00:46:43,970
of this love for Ben Affleck,
849
00:46:43,970 --> 00:46:47,173
so she made a movie.
850
00:46:47,173 --> 00:46:50,677
Called This Is Me Now,
A Love Story.
851
00:46:50,677 --> 00:46:53,246
A CGI nightmare
that she produced
852
00:46:53,246 --> 00:46:56,216
with 20 million dollars
of her own money!
853
00:46:57,283 --> 00:46:58,918
I dare you to watch it!
854
00:47:01,421 --> 00:47:04,624
But that still wasn't enough
855
00:47:04,624 --> 00:47:10,063
to convey the magnitude
of this love!
856
00:47:10,063 --> 00:47:13,533
So she made a documentary
857
00:47:13,533 --> 00:47:17,370
about the making of the album
and the movie!
858
00:47:18,738 --> 00:47:20,173
And she called it,
859
00:47:20,173 --> 00:47:23,977
The Greatest Love Story
Never Told.
860
00:47:25,311 --> 00:47:28,415
And they broke up
two months later.
861
00:47:33,453 --> 00:47:37,390
Now, I believe that there
is a chance
862
00:47:37,390 --> 00:47:40,060
that I can survive transphobia,
863
00:47:40,060 --> 00:47:43,363
I could never survive
that kind of humiliation!
864
00:47:45,532 --> 00:47:49,869
And that is why I will take
being a trans person in 2025
865
00:47:49,869 --> 00:47:52,072
over being Jennifer Lopez!
866
00:47:52,072 --> 00:47:55,108
Thank you guys so much,
I love you!
867
00:47:55,108 --> 00:47:56,776
And I love J-Lo!
868
00:48:02,882 --> 00:48:04,651
Tranna Wintour!
869
00:48:06,753 --> 00:48:10,056
Our next performer is not only
a comedian,
870
00:48:10,056 --> 00:48:14,294
he is a bisexual dancer,
a writer, a personal trainer,
871
00:48:14,294 --> 00:48:16,496
and the author
of an X-Men comic,
872
00:48:16,496 --> 00:48:18,198
and after learning all of that,
873
00:48:18,198 --> 00:48:20,166
he is also my
future ex-boyfriend!
874
00:48:21,167 --> 00:48:24,237
It's my pleasure
to introduce Jay Jurden!
875
00:48:36,049 --> 00:48:38,251
{\an8}Give it up for
Alan Cumming, everyone!
876
00:48:39,719 --> 00:48:42,555
{\an8}Oh my God! Earlier
in the show, Alan said
877
00:48:42,555 --> 00:48:45,158
that gay people weren't going
anywhere, well, after this show,
878
00:48:45,158 --> 00:48:47,661
I am going to the bathhouse!
879
00:48:47,661 --> 00:48:50,130
Now. I'm so happy to be here,
880
00:48:50,130 --> 00:48:51,131
I want y'all to know something,
881
00:48:51,231 --> 00:48:54,167
I'm not guy but my husband,
super gay, right?
882
00:48:54,167 --> 00:48:56,036
No, I love him so much,
883
00:48:56,036 --> 00:48:58,171
he's smart, he's funny,
he has a good job,
884
00:48:58,171 --> 00:48:59,873
I'm supposed to say that,
but the most important thing,
885
00:48:59,873 --> 00:49:02,075
big ol' dick on that boy!
886
00:49:02,075 --> 00:49:05,178
My God! Yeah, have you ever seen
a penis so long,
887
00:49:05,178 --> 00:49:08,281
it's like the line at the DMV?
888
00:49:08,281 --> 00:49:10,450
You go, "Wow, I knew this was
gonna be long,
889
00:49:10,450 --> 00:49:12,585
I didn't know I was gonna
have to take off work!"
890
00:49:15,088 --> 00:49:17,223
"Also, why are three of my
friends here?"
891
00:49:17,223 --> 00:49:18,758
Um, but.
892
00:49:18,758 --> 00:49:21,394
I want y'all to know that
I'm so happy to be with him,
893
00:49:21,394 --> 00:49:23,496
I always shout him out,
he is a bit younger,
894
00:49:23,496 --> 00:49:25,331
he's 23 centimetres, and...
895
00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:28,935
That's the only conversion
therapy I'm gonna do.
896
00:49:28,935 --> 00:49:30,970
Right? 23! That's pretty funny,
897
00:49:30,970 --> 00:49:32,472
it doesn't work
if I say he's nine!
898
00:49:37,510 --> 00:49:39,479
There we go, good, good, good!
899
00:49:39,479 --> 00:49:42,615
No, I am getting a bit older,
I know I'm getting older,
900
00:49:42,615 --> 00:49:44,951
because now I have a pair
of Transition lenses
901
00:49:44,951 --> 00:49:47,287
and a pair of
cisgender lenses, and...
902
00:49:48,922 --> 00:49:52,492
Yeah, old gays, I like being
a old gay, old gays, we're mean,
903
00:49:52,492 --> 00:49:53,793
baby gays, they're meaner,
904
00:49:53,793 --> 00:49:56,963
people who don't know they're
gay yet, they're the meanest!
905
00:49:56,963 --> 00:49:58,164
They're always saying
stuff like,
906
00:49:58,164 --> 00:49:59,599
"Please don't tell my wife!"
And I'm like,
907
00:49:59,599 --> 00:50:01,301
"Shut up, senator!" Um, the...
908
00:50:05,205 --> 00:50:07,741
That works, because also,
hockey players! Uh.
909
00:50:09,642 --> 00:50:13,113
No, I try my best to be very
respectful for our community,
910
00:50:13,113 --> 00:50:16,316
I have a rule, I do not make fun
of other people within the queer
911
00:50:16,316 --> 00:50:18,818
umbrella, so right?
I don't make fun of lesbians,
912
00:50:18,818 --> 00:50:22,355
because last year, I found out
that lesbians can fight!
913
00:50:22,355 --> 00:50:24,424
Oh! My God!
914
00:50:24,424 --> 00:50:26,760
Have you ever been kicked
by a pair of Doc Martens?
915
00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:28,194
You make that mistake once!
916
00:50:28,194 --> 00:50:30,163
It is quite a heavy shoe.
917
00:50:30,163 --> 00:50:31,631
I don't know if y'all know
y'alls queer history,
918
00:50:31,631 --> 00:50:33,400
but lesbians have actually
created a platform
919
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:34,968
for so many queer performers
over the years,
920
00:50:34,968 --> 00:50:38,004
and by that I mean they
probably built this stage!
921
00:50:39,339 --> 00:50:41,641
Now that's what we call
a well-constructed joke.
922
00:50:41,641 --> 00:50:45,078
That is A union-approved joke.
923
00:50:45,078 --> 00:50:46,112
I don't make fun of lesbians,
924
00:50:46,112 --> 00:50:47,914
I don't make fun
of non-binary people,
925
00:50:47,914 --> 00:50:51,184
because I don't like it when
baristas spit in my coffee, hey!
926
00:50:52,185 --> 00:50:55,155
I can't make fun
of non-binary people,
927
00:50:55,155 --> 00:50:57,257
y'all! What if I want
my bike fixed?
928
00:50:57,257 --> 00:51:00,093
What if I wanna buy a record
on vinyl,
929
00:51:00,093 --> 00:51:03,630
what if I need an ugly tattoo?
What I'm saying is...
930
00:51:05,031 --> 00:51:08,101
...they have a lot of jobs,
and listen!
931
00:51:08,201 --> 00:51:11,037
Gender is fluid,
but their assets are liquid.
932
00:51:11,037 --> 00:51:12,639
I don't make 'em.
933
00:51:12,639 --> 00:51:14,908
I don't make 'em, but
they/them's the rules!
934
00:51:14,908 --> 00:51:16,476
Wait, hold on!
935
00:51:16,476 --> 00:51:18,645
I'm doing a quick sweep
for mullets, uh.
936
00:51:19,846 --> 00:51:22,215
Naw, I'm sorry, y'all
are French, moulet? Uh.
937
00:51:23,616 --> 00:51:25,418
Yeah yeah, I don't wanna be hit
with a wallet chain
938
00:51:25,418 --> 00:51:27,587
after the show, right?
939
00:51:27,587 --> 00:51:28,788
Get over here!
940
00:51:28,788 --> 00:51:31,658
Oooooh! I think Scorpion's
a beautiful name!
941
00:51:34,194 --> 00:51:35,895
Finish them!
942
00:51:35,895 --> 00:51:38,665
Hey, hey, hey! I can make
that joke! My husband recently
943
00:51:38,665 --> 00:51:40,467
came out to me as a little
bit non-binary.
944
00:51:40,467 --> 00:51:43,336
He said, "Hey baby, I'm okay
with using he, they pronouns,"
945
00:51:43,336 --> 00:51:45,071
which means he usually feels
like a boy,
946
00:51:45,071 --> 00:51:47,374
unless there's a bug
in the house. Now...
947
00:51:50,977 --> 00:51:54,547
Full disclosure, he loves that
joke, they? Not so much!
948
00:51:54,547 --> 00:51:56,516
But...
949
00:51:57,751 --> 00:52:00,253
I'm learning, gender is tricky!
950
00:52:00,253 --> 00:52:02,622
I have so many straight male
comedian friends,
951
00:52:02,622 --> 00:52:04,657
and what happens is they
butch it up when they get out
952
00:52:04,657 --> 00:52:06,793
in front of people.
They're normal backstage,
953
00:52:06,793 --> 00:52:08,828
as normal as they can be,
but when they see other men,
954
00:52:08,828 --> 00:52:11,765
they go "We need to bring back
real men, bring back real men!"
955
00:52:11,765 --> 00:52:13,633
And I always want to tell those
straight comedians,
956
00:52:13,633 --> 00:52:16,503
"Real men are not on stage!"
957
00:52:18,071 --> 00:52:21,641
There's never been
a real man on stage,
958
00:52:21,641 --> 00:52:23,109
real men are on...
959
00:52:23,109 --> 00:52:26,212
probation, real men are on...
960
00:52:26,212 --> 00:52:29,082
heart medication,
real men are on the couch
961
00:52:29,082 --> 00:52:32,986
'cause Mom is mad! Real men
are on boats, not fun boats,
962
00:52:32,986 --> 00:52:36,022
shipping vessels, real men
are on real boats,
963
00:52:36,022 --> 00:52:38,858
so fake men like all of us
can eat real crab, okay?
964
00:52:40,360 --> 00:52:44,197
Real men don't hunt drag queens,
they hunt dungeness!
965
00:52:44,197 --> 00:52:46,933
But, it's always tricky
for these people,
966
00:52:46,933 --> 00:52:48,168
they don't get it,
967
00:52:48,168 --> 00:52:51,071
they don't understand
that gender is so expansive.
968
00:52:51,071 --> 00:52:52,172
A lot of my straight friends,
969
00:52:52,172 --> 00:52:53,773
all right now, they're also
doing something called
970
00:52:53,773 --> 00:52:55,809
semen retention.
Y'all heard about this?
971
00:52:55,809 --> 00:52:57,877
Okay, semen retention, that's
when you hold all the evil juice
972
00:52:57,877 --> 00:52:59,579
inside of you, and you think
it's gonna give you
973
00:52:59,579 --> 00:53:01,648
superpower, alright?
974
00:53:01,648 --> 00:53:04,184
I-I want you to know something,
this entire set,
975
00:53:04,184 --> 00:53:05,752
I've been doing
semen retention!
976
00:53:08,121 --> 00:53:11,391
I promise for the next two
minutes, I will not c--
977
00:53:11,391 --> 00:53:13,193
don't look at me, hey!
978
00:53:13,193 --> 00:53:16,463
Whew, almost lost it!
No, I'm kidding,
979
00:53:16,463 --> 00:53:19,232
I don't do semen retention
like that, I do it like this.
980
00:53:23,870 --> 00:53:27,841
You guys, that is obviously
a lie, I have a ring!
981
00:53:28,875 --> 00:53:30,510
A lot of people, they ask me,
they say,
982
00:53:30,510 --> 00:53:33,947
"Jay? How are you a bi
man in a gay relationship?"
983
00:53:33,947 --> 00:53:35,749
"I don't know, the same way
you're a dumb ass
984
00:53:35,749 --> 00:53:37,083
in this premise!" My...
985
00:53:41,521 --> 00:53:44,624
My big theory now is that
everyone is getting gayer,
986
00:53:44,624 --> 00:53:47,460
right? Everyone in this room,
even if you're straight,
987
00:53:47,460 --> 00:53:51,765
you are gayer than your
great-great grandparents, right?
988
00:53:51,765 --> 00:53:53,433
That's how time works.
989
00:53:53,433 --> 00:53:55,001
Okay, every woman in this room
990
00:53:55,001 --> 00:53:56,603
is gayer than her
great-great grandmother because
991
00:53:56,603 --> 00:53:59,305
y'all get to rattle off crazy
lesbian nonsense, like,
992
00:53:59,305 --> 00:54:01,608
"Well, I think." And there was.
993
00:54:04,544 --> 00:54:06,679
I know we're having a great
night, but we really need
994
00:54:06,679 --> 00:54:08,982
to make sure we keep our eyes
on the prize and make sure
995
00:54:08,982 --> 00:54:11,985
we make sure everyone is safe,
and no one feels unsafe
996
00:54:11,985 --> 00:54:13,887
in their own body and sexuality.
997
00:54:13,887 --> 00:54:16,556
I recently had to deal with some
homophobia, and by that,
998
00:54:16,556 --> 00:54:18,258
I mean I did not get my way!
999
00:54:18,258 --> 00:54:21,194
I...
1000
00:54:21,194 --> 00:54:24,431
No, listen! I was walking in my
neighbourhood, I'ma be honest,
1001
00:54:24,431 --> 00:54:26,833
I was prancing in
my neighbourhood! And,
1002
00:54:26,833 --> 00:54:27,901
I passed by this church,
1003
00:54:27,901 --> 00:54:29,302
this church had a sign, it said,
1004
00:54:29,302 --> 00:54:32,205
"Gentrifying sodomites are
ruining Harlem!" And I thought,
1005
00:54:32,205 --> 00:54:34,307
"Oh my God!
That is a crazy way to say
1006
00:54:34,307 --> 00:54:36,242
"Thank you for
the new Sephora!"
1007
00:54:36,242 --> 00:54:38,812
Alright, I've been Jay Jurden,
thank you so much!
1008
00:54:38,812 --> 00:54:40,647
Give it up for Alan Cumming!
1009
00:54:46,653 --> 00:54:50,323
Thank you, Jay Jurden!
1010
00:54:52,559 --> 00:54:56,029
We're closing with an
award-winning stand-up comedian,
1011
00:54:56,029 --> 00:54:57,998
television writer and author.
1012
00:54:57,998 --> 00:54:59,866
A high achiever? Absolutely!
1013
00:54:59,866 --> 00:55:03,303
Did they stop there?
Absolutely not!
1014
00:55:03,303 --> 00:55:06,005
Tonight, they'll be performing
music from their debut album
1015
00:55:06,005 --> 00:55:10,176
I'm A TV, please give it up
for Mae Martin!
1016
00:55:19,119 --> 00:55:20,754
{\an8}What's up, Montreal!
1017
00:55:23,023 --> 00:55:24,724
Please, give it up again for
Alan Cumming!
1018
00:55:28,261 --> 00:55:32,499
To me, this song, I think it's
a very positive song?
1019
00:55:32,499 --> 00:55:34,934
When you hear it, you might be
like, "This sounds sad,"
1020
00:55:34,934 --> 00:55:39,139
but I think for me, it's about
how um, it doesn't matter,
1021
00:55:39,139 --> 00:55:42,042
like things are so dark
right now in the world,
1022
00:55:42,042 --> 00:55:43,576
but these things come in cycles,
1023
00:55:43,576 --> 00:55:45,712
and we've been through dark
things before,
1024
00:55:45,712 --> 00:55:48,548
and whatever they
throw at us, we can face it.
1025
00:55:48,548 --> 00:55:50,050
As long as we keep doing
things like this,
1026
00:55:50,050 --> 00:55:51,751
and staying together
and not hiding away,
1027
00:55:51,751 --> 00:55:53,219
playing video games.
1028
00:55:53,219 --> 00:55:56,222
Okay. This song's
called, Try Me.
1029
00:56:09,536 --> 00:56:14,374
♪ I knew a garden
1030
00:56:17,444 --> 00:56:21,081
♪ Corners overgrown with weeds
1031
00:56:25,952 --> 00:56:29,823
♪ Birds of ash
on thistle perches ♪
1032
00:56:33,693 --> 00:56:37,097
♪ Grown from shadow seeds
1033
00:56:40,367 --> 00:56:43,870
♪ Try me just try me
1034
00:56:43,870 --> 00:56:47,607
♪ I've been there
too many times ♪
1035
00:56:47,607 --> 00:56:52,312
♪ Try me just try me
1036
00:56:57,450 --> 00:57:01,421
♪ I saw a face there
1037
00:57:05,425 --> 00:57:09,229
♪ Making shapes
and bones all askew ♪
1038
00:57:09,229 --> 00:57:13,133
♪ Oh what a monster
everybody turns into ♪
1039
00:57:13,133 --> 00:57:17,804
♪ Saying words
like don't believe me ♪
1040
00:57:17,804 --> 00:57:22,142
♪ It was a question that I
didn't know the answer to ♪
1041
00:57:22,142 --> 00:57:24,978
♪ It was a face I knew
1042
00:57:24,978 --> 00:57:28,181
♪ It's looked me right
in the face so many times ♪
1043
00:57:28,181 --> 00:57:32,018
♪ Just try me
1044
00:57:32,018 --> 00:57:35,855
♪ I've been there
too many times ♪
1045
00:57:35,855 --> 00:57:40,393
♪ Try me just try me
1046
00:57:41,461 --> 00:57:46,199
♪ If I can help it
if I can help it ♪
1047
00:57:47,233 --> 00:57:50,336
♪ If nothing big goes wrong
1048
00:57:53,540 --> 00:57:57,777
♪ If I can help it
I'll try ♪
1049
00:57:57,777 --> 00:57:59,679
♪ Just try me
1050
00:57:59,679 --> 00:58:04,017
♪ I've been there
too many times ♪
1051
00:58:04,017 --> 00:58:07,587
♪ Try me just try me
1052
00:58:07,587 --> 00:58:11,624
♪ I've been there
too many times ♪
1053
00:58:11,624 --> 00:58:13,326
Everybody!
1054
00:58:13,326 --> 00:58:15,929
♪ Just try me
1055
00:58:15,929 --> 00:58:19,899
♪ I've been there
too many times ♪
1056
00:58:19,899 --> 00:58:21,968
Let's get Alan out here.
1057
00:58:21,968 --> 00:58:23,636
Alan!
1058
00:58:23,636 --> 00:58:27,741
♪ I've been there
too many times ♪
1059
00:58:27,741 --> 00:58:31,277
♪ Try me just try me
1060
00:58:31,277 --> 00:58:35,715
♪ I've been there
so many times ♪
1061
00:58:35,715 --> 00:58:39,519
♪ Try me just try me
1062
00:58:39,519 --> 00:58:43,957
♪ I've been there
so many times ♪
1063
00:58:47,927 --> 00:58:49,095
Mae Martin!
1064
00:58:49,095 --> 00:58:51,431
Thank you so much!
1065
00:58:51,431 --> 00:58:53,933
Alan Cumming!
1066
00:58:53,933 --> 00:58:55,835
Thank you all for coming!
1067
00:58:55,835 --> 00:58:58,338
Keep having joy,
keep protesting,
1068
00:58:58,338 --> 00:59:00,607
keep being queer, goodnight!
1069
00:59:37,143 --> 00:59:40,113
Subtitling: difuze