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Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage Paul Smith.
Yes.
Hello, Dublin!
You big sexy bastards. How are we?
Thank you all for coming to my show.
I really appreciate it. There’s a lot of people here.
Some of you have got no fucking idea who I am.
Yeah. That’s fine. If that’s you, don’t--
Don’t feel bad. Thank you for coming.
Maybe you took a chance on it,
which is lovely if you’ve done that.
Thank you very much. Most likely, though, what’s happened,
someone’s had a spare ticket last minute,
someone couldn’t make it, and someone’s gone,
"Do you wanna come and watch this lad off TikTok?"
And you’d be like, "Yeah, that’s nice."
"Oh, you, what you do?"
And you brought your fucking Nan along or something,
thinking that was gonna be a good idea.
But then I’m just gonna call this woman a slag
for half an hour.
And the rest of the show
is just about me dick and cocaine.
I’m very sorry for calling you a slag there, love.
I, uh... It was nothing personal, that.
I just... I just,
I just had to pick someone for that little admin bit.
That was not... I just glanced down,
and you had leopard prints on, and I was like...
You don’t look like you haven’t been fingered,
do you know what I mean, like?
Why did you just smell your fingers there, love?
Oh, deary me.
So, I’m sorry. That was nothing personal.
I don’t know if you are a slag.
I don’t know if you’re not a slag. If you’re not--
if you are a slag as well, it’s 2025.
That’s up to you as well. I fully support that.
It’s your body, it’s your choice.
I’m not here to judge you.
If you wanna go full Bonnie Blue
and take a thousand dicks in a day, that is up to you.
And I stand behind you. If you wanna do that,
I’ll be right there behind you doing that.
What’s your name, love?
Niamh.
Niamh. Nee-ha-ham.
Hiya, Nee-ha-ham.
How are you, mate? You had a good day?
- Yeah. - Did you?
What made you pick the leopard print?
Did you just, you just like it?
- Comfy. - It’s comfy?
Oh, so the pattern makes it more comfortable?
No! You could’ve got black ones.
You thought, "No, do you know what?"
"Slag legs!"
What do you do, Nee-ham?
- Nothing. - You don’t do fuck all?
- You have got a job? - I do.
What’s your job, mate? Why did you lie?
Are you on the sick?
Is that why your legs are camouflaged?
You’re in a wheelchair also?
"Quick, Mammy, get me wheelchair!"
"I didn’t know there was going to be cameras here."
What’s your job, mate?
I work in sales.
You work in sales? What do you sell?
Furniture.
Furniture? Ooh!
Couches and that?
- Couches. - Ooh!
How big-- Is it a big retailer?
- Yeah, big enough. - Big enough?
You’re being very sketchy.
Who is it, mate?
- What? - EZ living.
EZ living. All right, love. Fucking calm down.
Fuck are you shouting at me for, you cheeky bitch?
Don’t start getting lippy with me.
Fucking having an attitude with me, you little dickhead.
How do you two know each other?
- Mum. - Are you the mum?
Oh, shit. Sorry.
- Did you know she was a slag? - No!
I’m joking. She’s not.
She’s a nice girl. She sells couches.
Sells beds as well, most likely.
I’ve tested these ones extensively.
I’ll get you a fresh one.
Cos she gets shagged all the time.
Yeah, I’m sure she doesn’t. I’m sure she’s very frigid. Erm...
- What’s your name, Mum? - Evelyn.
Evelyn. Lovely to meet you, Evelyn.
Er... what’ve you been doing today, mate?
Celebrating my birthday.
Just celebrating your birthday? It’s your birthday today?
Happy birthday, Evelyn.
Yay!
Ah, that’s lovely. What did you get for your birthday?
Tickets to see you.
Just tickets to see me for your birthday?
Oh, that’s, that’s dead nice. That’s good, isn’t it? Aw.
- My 70th. - You’re 70?
Well done, Evelyn.
Fair play. I still would.
Obviously if I weren’t married and that,
I’m happily married and stuff like that.
I’ve got a beautiful wife at home, you know?
But if that wasn’t the case,
know what I mean, I could be your new dad and you...
And I tell you what, if I was, you’d be fucking less lippy
and you wouldn’t be walking round
looking like a fucking slag.
Do you know him?
- My husband. - That’s your husband?
Shit. Sorry.
What’s your name?
- What’s your name? - I can’t hear you.
You can’t hear me. You’re not deaf, are you?
Can’t do that again, mate.
I’ve done that one. It’s on Tik Tok.
He wasn’t fucking deaf, him, by the way.
I just wanna clear my name on that shit.
If you haven’t fucking seen that, right,
there’s a clip online when I say to some fella,
"Hiya, what do you do?"
He starts giving it fucking this, right?
I knew it wasn’t real sign language,
but I don’t know enough sign language
to catch the cunt out, so I was just like...
So I just asked him and went, "Mate, are you deaf?"
Cos I thought in my head, I was like,
if you’re not deaf and you pretend to be deaf
for some reason, thinking that’s funny,
and someone questions you, you just let it go.
You know what I mean, you’d go, "Nah, I’m only messing".
Would he fuck let it go.
Fair play. I respect it.
He stuck to his guns and just carried on doing this.
And then I look like a prick then, don’t I?
Cos I was like, "Why the fuck are you here?"
Which... that does sound like a horrible question, I know that.
But in the moment, I just didn’t get
how he was gonna follow the show
cos there’s no fucking subtitles in real life.
And then his missus chipped in. "He can lip read."
You can’t lip read me. I’m Scouse.
People who can hear me can’t understand me.
Fucking prick.
You see, it took me an hour to catch him out.
An hour of his life, he spent just fucking giving it this.
And the only way I caught him out, mate,
he was sat over there, where you are, fella, with the beard.
Sat, like, right where you are.
I kept having to do jokes at this side of the room
and cover my mouth so I knew he couldn’t see it.
And just wait for him to laugh. I’d go,
"I saw you laugh at that, you cunt!"
It was a fucking nightmare.
The one who come in the wheelchair,
he was fucked though. That was real.
You all right, mate? You’re ready for me.
You look fuck-- Yeah. You haven’t...
He hasn’t, he hasn’t moved since, like--
He was just being, like...
You look like a fucking Action Man that’s broke.
You know... You know, like, when you go down the charity shop
and it’s just an old Action Man just lying there.
All right, fella. You OK?
You don’t look comfy at all there, son. You all right?
- Got a bad back or something? - My legs.
It’s just your legs.
They don’t fit your body. It’s weird.
They don’t.
Yeah, man. What’s your name?
- Troy. - Roy? Roy!
- Troy! - Oh, Troy. All right, mate.
- What do you do, Troy? - Fix coffee machines.
You fix coffee machines?
What a weird profession.
How’d you get into that?
Just fucking hate broke coffee machine?
Straight out of school...
Just stayed in there, straight out of school.
Get in there, get your little...
Ah, your fucking steam is broke on that, bro.
That’s not gonna-- That’s not gonna get your milk
to your temperature there. I’m gonna have to fucking--
That’s gonna need a new part. That’s not-- That’s gonna run--
That’s gonna run you a fine few quid there.
You gotta make the money...
You gotta make the money, haven’t you, kid. You’re right.
You look terrified there, love. You all right?
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
- Are you with Troy, are you? - I am.
That’s my ma.
I was gonna say.
There was... You don’t wanna say, do you?
You don’t wanna go, cos I don’t wanna go,
"Is that your mum?"
and you’re like, "That’s my fucking wife, that."
She fixed my fucking steam, and I’ll tell you that.
Oh, shit. I’m sorry.
Everyone’s out with their mum.
That’s nice, innit? Little mummy. Oh, that’s good.
- What’s your name, mum? - Michelle.
Hiya, Michelle. You had a good day?
- Great day. - Did you know
- you were gonna be sat there? - I did.
Cos you don’t-- You did?
So you prepared for this mentally?
Cos you look absolutely fucking terrified.
Like, Troy’s all right. He sat there going,
"I think I gonna tell him about coffee machines."
It’s gonna be fucking funny.
And you’re just, like, "Oh, fuck."
"Why have you fucking done this to me, son?"
"I’m gonna be after me having a fucking heart attack."
What do you do, Michelle?
Absolutely nothing.
Don’t do fuck all?
Nice, mate.
Youse going out later?
No, school night.
School night? Oh, fuck off!
Michelle, you out with me and Evelyn,
getting on the Charlie?
I’m gonna wake up next to some wrinkly tits tomorrow, me.
Tryna do a bump off your nipples
and it keeps falling off.
Ah, fucking hell. Evelyn, stay still.
Come on, pop it on your knee, Evelyn. Pop it on your knee.
Oh, I’m a bad guy.
Shit, man. I do worry about this, you know,
because this is, like, this, this is quite big.
It’s important. And I don’t--
I worry I’m gonna get cancelled. That’s my fucking thing.
Like, I worry I’m just gonna...
I’m just gonna make it, and then I’m gonna get canceled
by some cunts, and I’m gonna fucking like,
I really tried to be less of a cunt, I have.
I’ve tried.
It just doesn’t work for me. It’s scary.
And honestly, the disabled community,
they’re fucking... are coming after me now.
It’s a terrifying thing, that, you know,
you don’t think it’s as scary as it’s gonna be
cos there’s some clips that I’ve picked on disabled people
and that, but that’s not my fault.
They keep sitting them at the front,
all the fucking disabled seats are at the front.
I don’t know they’re disabled until I start talking to them
and then what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Stop talking to them cos they’re disabled?
I don’t know, know what I mean? -
And now they’re coming after me.
I mean, they’re not going to catch me, obviously,
but they are coming.
Do you know what the thing is, right?
I didn’t expect any of this to happen.
This is still a fucking surprise to me.
Like, honestly, the fact that you’re all here
still fucking shocks the life out of me
cos I’ve done this a long...
Thank you. Thank you.
I’ve done this a long time.
And like near 20 years I’ve been doing comedy,
20 years this year, and for most of that time,
no one had a fucking clue who I was.
I was just I was the host of a comedy club in Liverpool
called Hot Water Comedy.
Yeah. Should cheer.
You should cheer. It’s the greatest comedy club
in the world. It’s an amazing place.
I used to love that job as well because my job was just...
I was the host of the show, so I’d go on.
They have like three comedians on and I’d go on at the start.
And in between the acts. "Hiya, what do you do?"
"You’re a pedophile. Ha!"
I never liked it, but no one had a clue who I was.
I was never getting on the telly or anything.
And then the fella who owns that comedy club, my good mate,
was like," I’m going to put some cameras in and film this
and put it on the internet."
And I was like, "No one’s going to watch that."
I was incorrect.
Turns out it’s very, very popular.
And I’m not knocking that. I’m very lucky.
I get to go all over the world doing this. I’m very blessed.
But there is a downside, and that is this.
Don’t let kids in the comedy club.
Now I’ve got ten-year-olds following me on TikTok.
And I don’t know what to do about that.
That is a terrifying thing, mate.
I’m like, do you know what,
I had a frightening moment with a ten year old.
Skidded up to me in McDonald’s car park on a fucking BMX.
Skidded up.
"You’re that one off TikTok who talks about doing DMT."
He went, "I can’t wait to meet the Rainbow Serpent."
I was like, "Oh, for fuck’s sake! No!"
Yes, see, this is... Right.
The people who’ve whoo’d that,
you’re the audience I wanted for that bit.
Like, if you don’t know what I’m on about, I did, I took DMT.
It’s a heavy psychedelic.
I took it a while ago, and I did a bit about it
in one of my other shows, and I put that bit out
and it went quite viral and loads of people have watched it.
And I was quite happy about that,
because I’ve talked about lots of drugs on stage
and in my shows and stuff,
and I do worry that I’m, like,
sending the wrong message out there,
because I’ve talked about cocaine
and fucking MDMA and all that shit.
And at least with DMT, I had the spiritual experience
and I thought, "Yes,
I’ll lead other people to have a spiritual experience as well."
What a beautiful thing to do.
No. What’s actually happened is I’ve got ten-year-olds doing
heavy psychedelics because of me
probably having complete fucking psychological breakdowns.
They’d be better off on cocaine, if I’m honest.
Fucking gutted, I’m absolutely gutted about it.
I don’t I don’t want to be a role model.
I can’t be a role model.
I didn’t sign up for that. That’s not fucking...
That’s not fair.
I don’t think I’m a bad person, but I’m a bit of a wreckhead
and I’ve been very open about that.
I’ve been too honest about it. Not even in shows.
Like, if you go back a couple of years on my Instagram,
there’s a lot of footage of me topless in my kitchen
on loads of MDMA, just DJing on Instagram Live.
Don’t whoo, by the way. No, that wasn’t a good fucking...
It was a bad phase.
One of my mates should have just fucking kicked my door in
and had an intervention or something.
I can’t even DJ. That’s the worst thing about it.
I cannot DJ. What... Here’s how fucking lazy I am.
I bought a set of decks. Right?
And... cos I have a new hobby every 15 minutes, right?
I thought I’m going to be a DJ, right?
I bought a set of decks, and I didn’t realise
how fucking hard it was. Turns out it’s very difficult.
So instead of learning what all the buttons do,
I thought I’ll just bang a load of MDMA
and everything will sound fucking fantastic.
And you know what?
That works a little bit too well,
because everything sounded amazing.
I was like, well, I am quite clearly
a fucking genius, aren’t I?
The world needs to share this.
And I went on Instagram Live two o’clock in the morning
to thousands of people going,
"Get on this mix, everyone."
Just sliding the little slider back and forth,
just changing the song.
Oh, fucking idiot, man.
I tried to... I’ve tried to be better as well.
I’ve tried, man.
I’ve really... I’ve tried to get in shape and stuff.
Shit, I got, I got in shape for about two minutes,
took a picture.
I’m happy with that.
And I’m never going back. I’m never going back.
There’s people in here with abs,
and you’re fucking lying to everyone.
You know it’s shit. Stop lying to everyone.
Fucking jabbing Ozempic in yourself every 2.5 minutes,
weighing your chicken every fucking half an hour.
Go and fuck yourself, you... Miserable existence.
Have a pint and fuck off.
I bought an ice bath. That’s how serious I went.
I bought a fucking ice bath.
I... Don’t whoop that. Again, I’ve got to apologize.
If you whoop there, you’ve got one and you’re a cunt as well.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.
No, I want to... I want to get this off my chest.
To anyone who follows me on Instagram, if you’ve seen me
on Instagram in that ice bath,
acting like I’m better than you, I am sorry.
Cos I’m a fucking fraud. I’m a fraud.
I’m a piece of shit. I’m a liar.
Like, it’s a real ice bath, don’t get me wrong.
And it is cold.
But the reason is not hashtag Team Fresh.
If you’ve seen me in that ice bath,
the reason was most likely
because I had a show in two hours time,
and I was up till eight o’clock in the morning on a charlie.
And I’m just trying to get my fucking head together.
Just dunking my head in ice water.
Trying to get any bit of dopamine
out of my stupid fucking sponge of a brain.
"Help me. I need to feel happy."
Oh, God. It really fucking worries me, man.
I...I... My school, I left school a long time ago.
I left school about 27 years ago, and I didn’t do well.
I started smoking weed when I was 12. Yeah.
It makes sense now, doesn’t it?
I smoked weed pretty much every day through school,
thought it was cool as fuck, and I left with one qualification
and there was a D in RE, and that was not good, is it?
Fucking... Do you know what?
My school, my school last year emailed me going,
"Ah, you’re one of our most successful alumni."
I had to Google what that meant, by the way.
They went, "Do you want to come in and give a talk to the kids?"
I was like, "No."
Abso-f... Absolutely not.
That is the stupidest fucking idea.
What a ridiculous thing to do.
Because I... The thing is,
this has worked out very well for me, hasn’t it?
But I’ve got to be the anomaly.
I’ve got to be an exception to the rule.
I can’t be going into them kids in good faith and being like,
"Listen, kids, just, like, fuck your exams off."
"Smoke weed and be funny. It will work out."
Oh, God. I just can’t do it, man.
It’s full of shit, innit?
That’s why... that’s why I don’t go on podcasts and that.
Like, people ask me to go on podcasts.
I’ve done a couple and it’s always the same conversation.
Fucking people asking about your mental health
and all that shit, or worse.
I got asked to go on one of them, fucking one of them ones
where they have CEOs and people like that on,
fucking talk about your success and that.
This guy was like, "Come on and talk about your success."
And I was like, "No."
One, I’ve got no fucking idea how this happened.
Two... What they mean is...
I’ve met a few of these people now.
What they really mean is
come on and talk about being minted.
And I’m not gonna lie, I am fucking obviously minted
at this point. I’m not gonna... Yeah.
I’m not gonna be a dickhead about it.
A lot of comedians are standing and pretend they were like you.
I’m not. I’m much richer.
But the thing is, like, I’m not...
I don’t think I’m a rich person either.
I’ve met other rich people, and I’m not rich.
Like, I don’t... That’s not my mindset.
Because, like, you think rich people are happy
and they’re not. They’re like people with abs.
They’re not happy. They’re happy on Instagram.
They’re not happy, mate.
They’re just fucking... they’re just scared.
They’re constantly terrified that someone is going
to come along and take the money off them.
And I’ve never had money in my entire life. Genuinely.
I’ve lived in my overdraft because I’m a dickhead.
I’ve lived in my overdraft for pretty much all of my life,
and when I got money,
it was sat in my current account in my bank,
and I’d just wake up and I’d look at my bank balance
and I’d have a wank and I’d go back to sleep.
Absolutely delightful morning.
And then I met some people with money and they were like,
"Where’s your money?" And I was like, "In the bank."
"You can’t just leave it in the bank."
I was like, "What do you mean, why?"
They went, "Inflation." "What the fuck’s that?"
"If you leave it in, it will be worth less next year."
I was like, "How?"
They’re like, "You got to invest it in crypto and property."
And then I was like, "Fuck off,
that sounds like a lot of effort."
Like, "It is a lot of effort. Quite stressful, actually."
I was like, "Fuck."
And I got I got quite worried about it.
And now I’ve just fully come to terms with the fact
I’m going to piss it up the wall.
Yes!
I’m gonna piss it up the wall in a couple of years.
I’ve got no investments. I’ve got no savings.
I’ve got no pension. I’ve left fuck-all for my kids.
Nothing. Zero.
They can make their own money, the sponging little cunts.
So if you fast forward five years,
I’ll be back on a council estate
with a fucking hippo in the garden.
And I don’t know how that’s gonna happen,
but I’m gonna get there.
I’ll be in the garden in a Versace robe with holes in it.
"Where did it all go wrong, Bertha?"
Just snorting coke off a gold spoon.
I can’t be trusted, me, I’m a fucking...
I’m an idiot, man.
I, honestly, I’m too... I’m like a puppy, man.
I can’t, like I’m just... I can’t stop fucking...
I just, I want, I’m just fucking...
Like, do you know what? Like people care that much.
Like, too much intelligence.
Like, people message me sometimes asking me
about tickets and how to get to shows and all that shit.
Like I’ve got fucking any idea.
Like I’ve got anything to do with any of this.
Do you know what my life is?
I get picked up from my house, I get transported to a gig,
I get put backstage, I get given food and drink.
I get kicked onto the stage for about an hour.
I walk back off the stage.
I get put back in the car and I get driven back to a hotel.
I am essentially a fucking toddler at this point.
It’s fantastic.
And then all the clever people
who make sure all the lights are here
and the mics here and the speakers are here
and all you are here.
They at the end of these tours, they do a big spreadsheet
and they work out what everyone’s cost them,
what everyone’s made.
And they give you what they call a settlement.
And the first time that happened, I swear, more money
than I ever thought I would see in my entire life in one go.
And I got this money in the bank, and some people,
they would be... I’ve got kids, you know what I mean?
Some of you even would be sensible in that situation.
"Do you know what? I’ve got kids."
Get your head screwed on.
Get some buy-to-let property get some passive income.
Set yourself up for the future.
No, I just went and bought a bright orange Lamborghini.
Yeah!
Spent nearly every penny I had on that car.
If you’ve cheered that, you are a very fun person.
Well done.
Wow, you’re very fun, most likely,
but you’re also most likely a burden
to your friends and family.
You’re probably a fucking dickhead like I am.
I shouldn’t have bought that car.
I lived on a council estate.
I shouldn’t have bought that car, and I wasn’t...
I wasn’t a millionaire, either, I wasn’t a millionaire.
I want to be very clear.
I had enough for a Lamborghini and I bought a Lamborghini.
That’s how much of a dick...
I didn’t even get credit
cos I’ve got... My credit rating’s about two.
I just went to spend...
What?
How many times did I get stopped? Ah, mate.
I got stopped, I got stopped a few times.
You know what? I’ve never said this on stage,
but I’m out of my country.
I don’t think I’ll get arrested for this, right.
Do you know what, right,
this is genuinely true, right? The last time...
The last time I got fucking stopped in that car
and I was fucking, like...
If you’ve seen Hot Water, they stream all of the shows, right?
And there’s a gay couple in Canada.
There’s like 50 in their 50s.
This gay couple live in the middle of nowhere in Canada.
They watch every stream, right? They love it.
Message me all the time. Lovely fellas, right.
So it was a couple of years back.
He went, "I’m going to send you something for your birthday."
I went, "Oh, no." And I don’t know him.
Do you know what I mean?
So I’m like, he could be a fucking weirdo.
So he was like, "Send me your address."
And I was like, "Nah, I’m all right."
Some mad gay Canadian turning up at my house, know what I mean?
So he went, "It’s all right, I’ll send it to the club."
So he sent this... I didn’t think nothing of it.
So I get to the club one day, "There’s a box for you."
So I’ve opened it up, right.
There’s a fucking... a Canada jumper, a Canada mug,
and two ounces of weed vacuum-packed.
And I was like, "Fuck off!"
So I’ve got it in the car. I’m driving home, right?
And then I’m driving out of Liverpool city centre
and this fucking prick in a Golf turns up.
And it’s always a cunt in a Golf as well.
It’s always a cunt in a Golf.
Turns up, starts revving. I thought,
"You’re not having me, you cunts. Fuck you."
Sport mode. Fuck off!
Only went from one light to the next light, right.
And I stopped. And he called up. He went, "Fair play."
We were laughing and stuff like that.
He drove off and I looked in my mirror.
Cop car behind me. I was like, "Fuck you."
So I’m driving slow as fuck, 25 mile an hour.
Lamborghinis do not like to go 25 miles an hour.
Eleven o’clock at night.
I’m, like, indicating to change lanes
and the cop car’s just behind me.
And I’m like...
And then his lights come on.
He pulls me over and I’m like, "Fuck me, I’m going to prison."
"I’m going to prison." Because I realised as soon as...
as soon as I pulled over, I thought,
"Fuck, I’ve got that weed in the boot."
Imagine that’s what you go to nick for.
And what the fuck am I going to say?
Two gay fellas from Canada sent it to me?
They’re not going to believe that shit, are they?
So he comes up.
He went, "You know how fast you were going?"
And I was like, "No, I think it’s just a loud car, you know?"
He was like, "No, no, I saw you go across."
"I don’t know how fast you were going,
but you were definitely going too fast."
I was like, "Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t me,
I’m so sorry."
And he looked at... he was fucking fuming.
And he looked, he went...
"You’re that comedian." And I went, "Fucking yes."
Yes!
He’s like, "I’m gonna let you off this time, but be careful."
Orange Lamborghini makes you stand out a little bit."
I was like, "Yeah, I’m a dickhead,
sorry about that, mate."
Fucking shit. That car was a nightmare.
I shouldn’t have got it, man, I really shouldn’t have bought it.
Like, you know what? I...
The way I think about the car was,
I said I lived on a council... I didn’t...
I didn’t even check, like, insurance or anything.
You can’t have that car where I lived,
like, it was in a rough estate.
I’ve got the car delivered to my house
because my mate from school, he’s an insurance broker.
I’ve always used them. I sent him a picture.
He was fucking fuming.
I sent him a picture of this car on my drive, going,
"Hey, premiums on this are gonna be a bit mad, aren’t they?
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."
He rang me and he went, "Mate. No!"
I went, "What do you mean?"
He went, "You can’t have that car there."
"Oh. Why not?"
"It’s worth more than your house, you stupid cunt,
What are you doing?"
I honestly said to him, "Nah, it’s all right,
no one’ll rob it. Everyone likes me round here."
"The police are fans."
He went, "Mate, I can’t go to insurance company
and say no one’s gonna rob you cos you’re sound."
"Can you get it in your garage?" I was like, "Er..."
You couldn’t. My garage was tiny.
I couldn’t get a fucking bike in it.
So I had to lie to the insurance company and tell them
it was in the garage when it wasn’t.
Just leave it on the drive and hope no one robbed it.
It was terrifying. And no one did rob it, to be fair.
Do you know what the worst issue I had
with that car, more than getting pulled over or anything?
I couldn’t use it a lot of the time
because you don’t see cars like that by mine, right?
And what would happen is I’d come out of my house
to get in my car.
Every kid off my estate would be sat on my car
with fucking balaclavas on
filming fucking TikTok rap videos.
The cheeky bastards. All over it, mate,
just lounging on it, fucking... one of them stood on the roof.
The cheeky fucker just spitting bars.
Two of them wheelie past on bikes.
Fucking XL bullies everywhere.
Fucking fuming, mate. And I’m a shithouse as well.
I’d walk out and see them and go, "Yes, boys,
that sounds absolutely sick."
"I’ll get the bus. Don’t worry about it."
Then the fucking...
Then the tax man came after me as well.
The fucking prick.
Ah, mate. Fucking what a knobhead.
It was my fault, to be fair. Like, I didn’t know.
I think I assume it must work the same way here.
Like, if you’re self-employed,
you’ve got to fucking do your taxes and pay tax.
I’d never been self-employed before that, so I had no idea.
When those fucking maths people would give me the money,
I thought that was wages, mate, I spent it.
Then next January come after me going,
"You owe us half that money." I was like, what the fuck?
What kind of a stupid system is that?
It’s like, I haven’t got it.
He was like, "We can see here you have
a bright orange Lamborghini."
I was like, "Oh, fuck you, Instagram."
I had to sell my orange Lamborghini to pay a tax bill,
which I understand is a first-world problem,
it is hard to feel sorry for me there.
But I was very upset about it, and I think I’m allowed
to be upset because that was my fucking GTA car, that.
That was my GTA car.
I used to have that car in Grand Theft Auto
and had the little fur coat on my character,
so I bought the same fur coat in real life.
I was a pimp on the estate for a bit,
me, you know.
You should have seen me driving around that estate
with a fur coat on an orange Lamborghini.
Just blasting Stevie Nicks.
♪ Just like the White-winged dove♪
♪ Oh, baby♪
Oh, God, I was flying.
Now I say flying.
I was the slowest car on that estate by a long, long way.
Can anyone tell me why?
Speed bumps. Speed bumps. Exactly.
Didn’t think that through either. Too many.
So many speed bumps around here.
If you don’t know, right, I’ll explain.
A Lamborghini is obviously a very low car.
So you try and drive that over the speed bump,
you will fuck that up.
It’s like trying to drive it over your tits, Evelyn.
Yeah. So, Lamborghini.
So what you’ve got to do is, right,
if you if you want to drive a Lamborghini over speed bumps,
there’s a little button on the dashboard
you’ve got to press to lift the front of the car up
so you can go over the speed bumps safely.
Takes about 10 seconds. So every 30 foot...
In my Lamborghini with my fur coat on.
♪ Is that the...♪
Fucking hell. What a nightmare.
I was sad about that. You know, I was really sad.
It was really sad losing that car.
You look fucking stupid on the bus in a fur coat,
I’ll tell you that.
Really bad. But I got... I got depressed about it.
I really did. Like, I was so bad moping around for weeks,
my missus got pissed off at me in the end.
Like, she really lost her temper,
which is weird because she’s like...
the thing is, I think what annoyed her,
she’s normally good at snapping me out of stuff.
My missus, she’s super... She’s cool as fuck,
my missus, she’s dead good at it.
She’s not... she’s not like a softly, softly type of woman,
my missus, she’s more of a fucking get a grip.
Which is good. That’s exactly what I need.
Yeah, I need that, man, I need, I need a firm hand, me,
I need a firm hand, I need just telling,
"Stop it, you’re being a dickhead."
I can’t have... some people would respond to the other way,
and that’s fine if that’s you.
But I can’t have, "Are you OK?"
"Oh. Oh. Oh, are you OK?"
Don’t do that shit with me.
I will manipulate the fuck out of that.
Oh, mate, you don’t know how bad your life will get
if you start that shit with me. You try that with me,
I’ll be breastfeeding in about seven minutes.
I will be on your tit and you will never get me off.
I’m a weird guy. I’m a weird guy.
Even she couldn’t, she couldn’t get me out of it.
She couldn’t snap me out of it. She lost her temper.
She did. She really fucking... she...
After about three or four weeks, she went,
"Listen, I can’t hear no more about this car."
"And I know, I know you lost the car and you’re sad about it,
but it’s not the end of the world."
"People are still coming to your shows,
people are still buying tickets. Just be a bit more sensible."
"You’ll get another Lamborghini one day."
And that was great advice. It really was.
I really wish I was in the right frame of mind
to hear that at that point, but I wasn’t there yet.
I was feeling very dramatic. I was...
"I don’t know how to be sensible."
"I’m an impulsive person. It’s part of my nature."
"It’s my ADHD."
I’ve self-diagnosed ADHD off TikTok.
A lot of other sufferers in, I see.
I had no idea I had this affliction, mate.
I’ve been walking around my entire life not knowing.
And I was just scrolling one day, it said,
"Do you get distracted easily?"
"Do you not like opening your letters?"
I was like, "I fucking knew I was disabled."
I knew it! Everything clicked into place.
It makes so much sense. And now do you know what?
I’ll park whatever the fuck I want now.
Don’t give a fuck, mate.
I’ll park in any disabled parking spots
in the supermarket car park. I’m not arsed, mate.
I’ll argue with any cunt in a wheelchair.
I don’t give a fuck. I’ll just argue with them.
I’m like, "What the fuck are you looking at?"
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Yes, I’m parking here. Yes, I’m parking here."
"Yes, yes, I’m parking here. You’ve got wheels,
you can roll all the way over there."
"I need to be close to the supermarket."
"I might get distracted before I get there
and forget why I’m going."
"Not all disabilities are visible. OK?"
- What’s your name? - James.
Hello, James. You OK, James? You had a good day?
- Had a good day. - You had a good day.
What do you do, James?
- I’m a student. - You’re a student?
- What are you studying, Jaymo? - Sports therapy.
Horse therapy.
My head went for a minute there, you know.
I thought you said horse therapy.
Cos in your accent, that sounds like a real job.
I just get into the mind of the horse.
It’s just me and the steed.
Fetlocks blowing in the wind.
Sports therapy. Massage?
- Yeah. Massage. - Why didn’t you say massage?
You don’t like saying massage?
- Nah. - Yeah.
- It might sound a bit weird. - It might sound a bit weird?
That’s all right, mate.
Everyone likes a massage, don’t they?
- They do. - I do like a massage.
But I always get a bit, ooh.
I feel like I’m gonna get a hard on, know what I mean.
Like, if you were giving me a massage, I’d get a hard on.
That’s why I don’t like...
Do you know what I think is bang out of order?
When they make them turn over and do the front bit.
I just think that’s bang out of order,
cos I’m enjoying none of that shit.
I’m just lying there going, don’t get a hard on,
don’t get a hard on.
And your willy is very disobedient
when you tell him not to do something.
You ever had a fella get a big hard on on you?
- No. Not yet. - Never? Not yet?
Oh, you’re shit at your job, you, like.
How far up the thigh do you go?
Next time, just have a little...
Just see if you can get a little...
You don’t want a full hard on.
You just want a little bip, hello.
Hello. I’m here.
Do you give them little undies? The little net undies?
- No. - No. No.
Oh. Oh, you’re not allowed them.
No, he’s not allowed.
He’s not allowed to give the little net undies out.
- I hope not. - Oh, he might.
He comes back and says,
"Yeah, it was really, really casual."
He comes back and says... He’s not going to say, "Yeah,
some fella got a hard on, I had to finish him off."
"Give me ú50 to suck him off."
- Are you Mrs James, are you? - I am Mrs James Murray.
Mrs, James fucking official, Mrs James Murray.
- You m... - The ring.
You’ve got the ring. Are you married?
- No, I am not. - Oh.
I love how you went, "No, I am not." And he went,
"No." You went, "All right, you fucking dickhead."
How dare you say that so strongly.
You two shouldn’t be married.
You’re too young to be... How long have you been together?
Two and a half.
- Two years. - Two and a bit.
All right. Two years.
Two years. That’s two.
- How old are you, Jaymo? - Twenty-one.
Twenty-one? Yeah. Don’t get married.
You got about two girls after her before you’re married.
She’ll be in the bin soon, her.
She won’t even let you put fucking net undies
on a fella. She’s fucking jealous as fuck.
Look at her. You can’t.
That’s not gonna work, mate. I’m sorry.
- What’s your name? - I’m Aisling.
Aisling. Nice to meet you, mate.
You’re OK. What do you do, Aisling?
- OK, so. - Fucking hell.
Chapter one.
Don’t marry her, lad. She’s a pain in the arse, her.
She’s an absolute headache, mate.
Here’s your vows. Say them.
Make it look like you mean it, James.
This is my special day. Not about you.
Where’d you two meet? At uni or somewhere?
- College, yeah. - In college? Yeah.
Just bouncing about. James bounced up.
But I work in Subway.
You work in Subway. Sandwich artist?
- Yeah! - Hey.
- Footlong. - Footlong.
Wahey!
So you’re not living together now. Who you living with?
We stay in his house half the week, my house half the week.
OK, so you’ve both got your own gaff?
No, no. Oh, you live with your mum?
You live with your mum? Oh, lovely.
Yeah.
Where do you do most of your shagging?
Cos she’s gotta be a loud fuck, her.
She can’t make a sandwich quietly.
She’s got a dick in her.
Especially with your little massage elbows in it.
"Oh, fucking hell, James, you fucking do me right there,
you know."
"Aisling, is that you getting fucking riled up there?"
"No, Mammy, we’re watching a film."
I miss that. I’m fucking great, but shush-fucking, bossing it.
When you live with your ma you’re like, "Sh-sh-sh!"
"Aisling, sh-sh-sh-sh-sh."
"You need to fucking shush."
"Get on the floor, the bed’s too noisy, get on the floor."
Yes, Aisling! Fucked on the floor, yeah.
Little quilt down for your knees and that.
Do you know what really worries me, right?
It’s, like, I’ve got kids and I’ve got...
I’ve got two boys, 12 and nine. And my nine year old,
I popped up on his YouTube suggested the other week.
It’s bad, that.
Bad parenting by their iPad, isn’t it, really?
Like, it shouldn’t have done that.
I was fucking very pissed off with it, to be honest.
He was made up.
He was like, "Look, Daddy, you’re a YouTuber."
Go and fuck yourself.
I am an artist.
No, I do worry about that. It’s going to embarrass him.
Like, if I’m popping up on his, it means I’m popping up
on his mates in school, which he thinks is cool,
but it’s going to... like, it’ll be cool for a minute
and then I’ll say something that’s going to embarrass him,
and he’ll just be embarrassed by me
for years and years and years.
And I know that’s true cos I’ve had this before.
I’ve been through it. Like, I’ve got older stepkids,
and they thought I was cool as fuck for a minute.
And then I started saying some funny stuff
about them on the internet.
And now I’m an embarrassment.
I mean, fuck them anyway, to be fair.
Yeah. Some claps there.
We got some stepparents in. Fuck stepkids!
I love them and that, but fuck them, man.
Like, it’s such a shitty deal, stepparenting.
It really fucking is. It’s such a thankless task.
You don’t get any thanks at all. Like, you don’t even get a day.
Like, like, you get Fathers Day and Mothers Day.
We don’t get a fucking day. We don’t get a day.
And I know some of you will be thinking, "You get a card."
"You’ll get a card on Father’s Day."
Yes, I got a card on Father’s Day, but I felt like
scrunching it up and saying, "Shove it up your arse,
you ungrateful little cunts."
"I know what your mum’s handwriting looks like."
Her kids are older than mine as well.
Like I’ve said, mine are 12 and nine,
my two boys. She’s got a 20-year-old girl,
a 19-year-old lad and an eight-year-old girl.
Cos she was a slag when she was younger.
So I’ve got thrown in the deep end there, me.
It’s not fair.
Like, we’ve been together six years, me and her,
so parent-wise, I’ve gone straight in a teenager.
No run up. Nothing.
Just fucking straight in. Parent a teenager.
Out the box.
Impossible. Can’t do it.
I still haven’t got it right. I’ve never done it right.
If anyone in here has managed to fucking
get this correct at any point, please do let me know.
Because as far as I can see, there is no successful way
to parent a modern teenager.
Everything I do makes it worse. I can’t ask them anything.
I can’t ask them the simplest little requests
without being met with...
"I can’t go to the shop. I’ve got anxiety."
"Oh, no."
"Oh, no. I couldn’t possibly get a job."
"They don’t recognize my identity as a badger."
It’s like, "Sound."
"I’ll just pay forever then, shall I?"
And I’ll say this, this is a controversial opinion
and this will get some backlash.
You know what? Don’t give a fuck.
I’ll stand by this one. I truly believe this. Right?
This is for... I’ve got...
I’ve got two boys. She’s got two girls and a boy.
Controversial opinion. Girls are fucking horrible.
Horrible, evil bastards.
I want to be clear, by the way, before it goes too far,
I’m not saying women.
I’m not saying, like, I’m not trying to start
some weird Andrew Tate fucking rally before it goes bad here.
Paul Smith saying he hates women.
"Snakes with tits. He said snakes with tits."
"Not to be trusted."
That’s not what I’m saying.
All I’m saying is, in sheer parenting terms,
girls are more difficult to deal with than boys.
And I think that’s true.
And I think I know there’s probably exceptions
to that rule.
But in general, I think it’s quite widely accepted that girls
are more difficult to deal with than boys.
And I have a theory as to why.
Here’s my theory as to why. Boys are thick as fuck.
Thick is fuck. All of us.
I’m not excluding myself from that either.
We are all thick as fuck.
Every single one of us.
I don’t think we get any more intelligent
from about the age of three until we die.
I think we’re just the same idiot toddler
in a slightly older, flabbier body.
And then we die.
And the thing about men is, the tricky thing is,
some of us are good at pretending we’re not thick.
That’s the thing. Some of us are really good at it.
Some fellas can pretend they’re surgeons and pilots
for a short period of time.
Every man in here knows, though, if you get any group of men
together with no females about,
it just immediately becomes, "Willies!"
Just fucking kicking each other and shit.
Fucking stupid.
Doesn’t matter who it is. the most sensible man you know,
be kicking his mate, doesn’t matter.
And I think that’s beautiful. And it should be cherished.
It should.
Cos girls come out of the womb
looking for fucking angles, mate.
They come out of the womb lying and cheating and manipulating
and stealing and shit.
Do you know, being in a house with two girls
and a mum is like being in fucking Game of Thrones.
Mate, it’s terrifying.
Scared and terrified.
Like, you’re on edge. You’re in the house,
you’re trying to have a cup of tea in the kitchen,
and you can’t settle cos there’s conflict.
There’s always conflict, and it’s always unresolved
cos no one talks it out.
You just work in the shadows to undermine each other.
And it’s always me getting dragged into it.
I’m sat there trying to trying to mind my own business
and one of them will walk in the kitchen.
It doesn’t matter which one it is.
They’ll walk in and be like,
"Come and hear what this bitch has done."
I’m like, "Oh, fucking hell, no. I don’t want to get involved."
"I’m just trying to have a cup of tea."
"Just trying and have a cup of tea in peace."
"I’m Switzerland, mate. I’m staying out of it."
"No, you need to hear this. It’s absolutely outrageous."
"I’d rather not know." "No, you need to be on my side."
"I don’t want to be on your" side.
"No, you need to be on my side."
"You’re eight. Will you fuck off?"
Honestly, it’s scary, man. I’m scared of them.
I’m scared of them all.
Like, I thought there was a light at the end
of the tunnel as well.
Then there’s not. Like, Leah’s 20 now.
She’s still a bitch.
Still a bitch. And I... Do you know what?
In fairness, I’ll say 90% of the time we get on very well.
Get on like a house on fire. Talk all the time.
Have a lovely time. 10% of the time...
and I don’t know when this 10% is going to be,
she will just ruin my day on purpose for no reason.
I thought it was me at first. And it’s fucking not me.
It’s just she’s having a bad day
so I’ve got to have a fucking bad day.
And the thing is, I’m obviously quite angry about this shit.
A lot of my anger comes from the fact that deep down,
I know I’m not intelligent enough to understand
the complexity of her behavior.
So I can’t get out the way, me.
I just can’t see it coming. Like, her mum sees it.
Somehow she knows, like she can smell it,
and she just fucks off into the bathroom or something.
And I’m just left there in the living room like a knobhead.
Just, like, unaware of what’s going on.
"Is everything OK?" "Fuck off."
I can’t escape, mate.
And the worst thing about it is I can’t...
Like, I travel all the time.
If I’m not there, she’ll ring me up and do it.
I’m not safe. I’m not safe anywhere.
She’ll call me up and do it. Anywhere in the world,
she can get me.
And I never see it coming. Like, not long ago
I was away, I was doing a show.
I was in a hotel, I was having breakfast.
I was on my own.
I was chilling, having a nice, lovely morning to myself.
Phone goes. I’ve answered it, obviously.
And she was like, "Hiya," cos she’s a fucking ninja, mate.
You never you never see it coming till it’s too late.
"Hiya!" I went, "How are you, bab, you OK?"
She went, "Yeah. What are you doing?"
"I’m just having a sandwich. What are you doing?"
She went...
"I’m not feeling too good, you know?"
And I went, "Oh, why?" She went...
"I’m on a really heavy flow."
And then she hung the fucking phone up.
There was no question.
She told me that information and fucked off. Why?
Why? What can I do about that? She knows what she’s doing.
She’s having a bad day, so my day is gonna be fucking ruined.
And ruin it, she did, mate.
I was devastated. Sat there in a hotel on my own,
fucking just gutted.
Gutted. Looking down thinking,
"Well, that’s that bacon butty ruined, isn’t it?"
"I am never having ketchup on one of these again."
Boys are easier.
They are, the boys are easier.
And I’ve tested that extensively.
As I said, I’ve got my two boys.
Like, my 12-year-old.
He’s challenging. He’s non-verbal, autistic.
He can be a cunt, man.
Don’t, "Ooh," that, by the way. I hate when people do that.
If you disagree with that comment, I’ll bring him
to your house and let him shit on your walls.
He’s challenging, but he’s fine.
We get on dead well, you know what I mean.
We’ve got our ways and that.
The little nine-year-old, he’s being raised
by his iPad as I said.
And my stepson as well.
Like, he came to live with me last year.
My stepson, he moved out of his mum’s, came live with me.
Cos we don’t live together, I should explain that
because people always ask me after the show.
She lives in Torquay, which is on the south coast of England.
I live in Liverpool, 252...
Is someone from Torquay in? Yay.
Beautiful place. You might know my wife.
That might be my wife. She’s quite...
She’s quite gruff. She’s got big hands.
I’m laughing, but she has, like.
I can’t... I can’t even get a wank off her.
It’s embarrassing.
No, we live 252 miles apart,
and it’s fucking incredible.
And I want to... I just want to state this.
I just... as a little aside to the show.
If anyone is thinking about getting into
something long distance, do it.
I didn’t know how good it could be.
Like, I’ve got to thank my wife for this, man, because we met
and I was like, I don’t think this is going to work.
We live too far apart.
She was like, let’s give it a chance.
And give it a chance we did.
And it’s the best thing I’ve ever done
because you’ve got your own house,
so you got your own space.
You don’t argue about normal shit like dishes
and washing and all that shit.
And then when you do... when you do have an argument,
you’re like, "Fuck off."
And the other one’s like, "Sound. I’ll see you next week
when you’ve calmed down." Just fuck off.
You just fuck off. They got no power.
And when you do get together,
you’re happy to see each other and stuff like that.
It’s just good for the relationship.
You know what? I know my relationship’s good
cos even when she doesn’t want to have sex,
she lets me wank on her leg.
Tell me that’s not love. Tell me that’s not love.
If that’s not love, I don’t know what love is.
If you’re in a relationship and you’re in the mood
and she’s not in the mood and she doesn’t stick
her little bum out and go, "You’re wiping it off,"
I just think you’ve got problems, that’s all I’m saying.
You do that for him, wouldn’t you, girl? Evelyn?
Yes. Your dad gets a little...
A little... jizz on your mum’s bum all the time.
You could have been on your mum’s bum.
You’re just lucky you got in there.
Boys are easier.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. He come to live with me, man.
He’s a knobhead, don’t get me wrong.
But I understand, like, he’s just a little, like,
we’re all thick.
So as long as you keep that in mind,
it’s like everything else kind of falls into place.
Like, he come to live with me.
He come to live with me because he wants to be a, uh...
Liverpool’s a bigger city and he wants to go to college.
He wants to be a musician. He wants to be a rapper.
Yeah, yeah.
Cos I mean, you haven’t heard him, obviously.
No I’m joking.
He’s actually decent and it’s surprising he’s decent
because he’s a rapper from Devon.
And I don’t know if you here in Dublin will be aware
of how much of a fucking hill that is to climb.
I think he’s the only one, mate.
It’s a mad accent. He sounds like a fucking pirate.
He does not like when I call him Sconye West,
I will tell you that.
I’ve got to be fair as well
to the people of Devon, it’s not even full Devon.
Like, his mum’s...
He’s got the maddest accent ever.
Like his mum’s from Birmingham, his mum’s a Brummie, right.
A lot of people don’t find the Birmingham accent sexy
but she’s got, like, gypsy blood.
So she’s like a real-life Peaky Blinder.
And I don’t know why I find that attractive.
Yeah, mate. First time I met her,
I imagined shagging her and she’d be like,
"No fucking fighting."
I was like, "Oh."
"You peg away, girl."
Yeah. She’s got loads...
So he’s got a bit of Brummie in there.
He’s got Devon in it.
And as if that wasn’t mad enough,
like a mad mix, on his own over the last couple of years,
he just added in loads of, like, London gangster Roadman.
So it’s fucked, man.
And I’m trying my best. I just step in.
You do try your best.
I’m trying to be a good role model.
I’m trying to be a good stepdad to him.
Like, we went away not long ago
and he stayed in the house.
He’s watching the dogs for us and stuff like that.
So usually in that situation I’d buy him loads of shopping.
So he’s got he’s got food in for him and the dogs, right.
But I worry that he’s fucking thick, right?
And he’s going to go off to uni
and he’s not going to be able to manage.
So I’ll just put some money in his bank
and let him manage his own money,
and I’ll sit him down
and I’ll have a man-to-man conversation with him
and I’ll treat him with some respect. Right?
So I sat him down and went, "Right. Listen, Ben. Ben."
"Ben, pause your game. Right."
"I put some money in your bank there, right?"
"That is for you and the dogs for shopping for the whole week,
do you understand? That’s for food."
"That is not for you to go and get pissed
with your little mates."
"Do you understand?" He’s like, "No way, bro."
"Wouldn’t do that man. Respect you fam."
So I told his mum, "Listen, he’s all right."
"He’s got some money in his bank there."
She went, "You haven’t given the money? Why’ve you done that?"
"He’ll just go and get pissed with it."
I went, "He won’t, actually, we’ve had a chat."
"He respects me." So we went off on our trip.
We went out the first night, had a little meal, some wine.
Had a lovely time.
Got back to the hotel about midnight. Phone goes.
I’ve answered it, obviously. Very cockily as well,
very cocky at this point cos I’m saying to her,
"Look, you underestimated this boy, but he’s calling us
with the dogs to say good night. What a good boy."
I answered this FaceTime.
He was in the middle of Liverpool city centre
absolutely fucking cabbaged.
No, don’t. Yeah, it wasn’t good cabbaged.
It was bad cabbaged, mate. Bad.
It was the worst I’ve ever seen. It was that bad
he looked like he had cerebral palsy.
That’s how bad it was. It was grim.
He was against the wall with no motor function
trying to hold the phone up,
jaw just swinging everywhere, going, "Paul, bro,
I’ve been kicked out of the club, yo."
"I don’t know where I am." I was like, what the fuck?
I say, "Mate, what the fuck’s happened, where are you?"
"I don’t know. I’ve lost my boys, fam."
"I’ve got no money to get home, yo. I don’t know where I am."
I was like, "Mate, I need to know where you are."
"I don’t know." Luckily, at this point,
complete stranger walks past, sees the phone
and goes, "Fuck off, is that Paul Smith?"
No shit.
No shit. Takes the phone.
Starts getting a selfie with the phone.
I was like, "Mate, thank you so much."
I said, "See that lad there? That’s my stepson, that."
He went, "Is he?" "Yeah!"
"He’s fucking kettled, him."
I went, "I know, mate, I know, I know, I know."
I said, "Listen," I said, "I need to know where you are."
"I need to know where he is,
I need to get him an Uber, try and get him home."
So he is showing me around, where they were.
He’s on Seel Street,
which is in the middle of Liverpool city centre.
Right. So I order him an Uber.
Good on this lad. He stayed there with him till the car came
and helped me get him in the car. I was very thankful.
So he’s in the car now and I’m feeling a bit better about it.
Like, I’m still getting no sense out of him.
His head’s just wedged against the inside of this car.
Phone’s jammed between it and he’s just making noise.
Going...
His fucking jaw just keeps hitting the phone.
So I was worried, man.
So I’m watching... On Uber you can watch the little car,
little cartoon car on the app, can’t you?
You can watch it driving home.
So I was watching the car.
Make sure he doesn’t get kidnapped.
And as it pulled into my street,
I switch over to the Ring doorbell app.
Wow.
I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.
I’ve seen some states, but I’ve never seen anything like this.
He emerges from this Uber.
With his little fucking slug legs.
Took him fucking forever to get to the front door.
Then when he finally gets there, starts trying to get his key
out of his little fucking man-bag satchel thing
that he’s always got.
Fucking stood there twisted at my front door just going...
"Come on, you can fucking do this. Fuck you, man."
"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you."
Then he realized it was on this side.
He gets the key out of the bag, right,
starts trying to get in the door, but he’s fucked.
He can’t see. The poor lad’s...
He’s trying his best, but he’s just...
He just keeps hitting the door with the key
over and over again.
So trying to be helpful, through the doorbell I went,
"A little bit to the left, mate." He went, "Aah!"
Who’s that, bro?
I went, "It’s Paul." He went...
"Paul, bro, where are you?"
I went, "I’m in the doorbell."
He went, "Aah! How?"
I went, "Technology, mate. Let’s not worry about that now."
I said, "Listen, come on now, son."
"We need to get your key in the door."
"This is important now. I need you to listen to me."
"We need to work together as a team."
"Just follow my voice. I’m going to guide you in."
So I’m guiding him in.
Little bit forward, little bit to the right, bit to the left.
Took us a while, but we got there.
He goes in.
I heard him lock the door behind them.
I’m happy with that. He’s safe.
His mum’s fuming.
Oh, she wants to fly home immediately and kill him.
And I was like, "Listen, I know you’re fuming,
but we’re getting no sense out of him tonight,
best just letting him sleep it off."
"We’ll call him in the morning, give him some shit."
Right. So that’s the plan.
So calls him in the morning, right?
Doesn’t answer at first, which you kind of expected
cos he’s been out late. He’s fucked.
I thought I’d let him sleep a bit longer.
Tries him a bit later. Still no answer. Now.
Getting a bit pissed off now, cos not only has he gone out,
he spent all the shopping money.
The poor dogs have got no food.
So sent some dog food round with the Uber Eats.
And I sent him a message that said,
"Enjoy your dinner, you little prick."
And he’s still not answering.
What a cheeky little bastard. He thinks he can duck me.
Thinks he can just duck me on this.
Thinks he can just not answer his phone,
take no shit over there.
But he doesn’t know is I’ve got Alexas all over my house.
If you have Alexa in your house, you go on the app on your phone,
press drop in. You don’t have to answer.
So I just drop in on the Alexa in his bedroom.
I go... "Ben!"
He goes, "Aah!"
"Who’s that?" I went, "It’s Paul."
He went, "Paul, bro, where are you?"
I went, "I’m in the Alexa."
He went, "How?"
I went, "Technology." I went, "What the fuck?"
"What the fuck happened last night?"
He went, "Oh, I don’t know."
"What do you mean you don’t" know?
He went, "I don’t know." I went, "You can’t remember nothing?"
He went, "No."
"You can’t remember fuck all?" "No."
"Do you want me to tell you what I think’s happened?"
He went, "Oh." I went,
"Well, I think what’s happened is
I think you’ve taken that money."
"That money that we had a good chat about,
that money that was for you and the dogs
for shopping for the whole week."
"That money that you promised me
that you wouldn’t go and get pissed with."
"You have taken that money
and you’ve started getting pissed with your little mates."
"And then things have escalated
and you have tried to buy cocaine off someone
with your stupid little Devonian Roadman accent."
"’Hello. Could I have some cocaine, please, bro?’"
"And some Scouse kid has seen you coming a fucking mile away
and sold you a bashed up bag of ketamine
and you’ve had no idea what it was
until you’ve had a stripe of it
and turned into fucking Stephen Hawking on Seel Street.
I was like, "Does that sound about right?"
He was like, "No way, bro,
I wouldn’t do that, man. Respect you."
"Fuck off, mate, that’s exactly what happened.
I was like, "Listen, I’ve got to go out, but I’m gonna be back
in a couple of hours and I’m going to call you back
and you better have some better answers than this
cos this is fucking pathetic."
So I went out, comes back a couple of hours later, right.
Calls him back.
He’s had some time to think now, but he’s thick as fuck.
Like thick as... Like if that was Leah, the girl,
given two hours, there would be AI-generated CCTV footage
of her doing fucking charity work at the time.
There would be a line of eyewitness statements.
The fucking FBI wouldn’t be able to get into that shit.
This fucking idiot.
I swear, I still can’t believe this took him this long,
to this day. It’s strategy, right?
Just go on the offensive, right.
So call him, I go, "What the fuck?"
He goes, "Yo, yo. I’m just gonna stop you there, bro."
"Everyone’s getting on me today
but you all fail to realise that I’m the victim here."
"How the fuck are you the victim?"
"Yeah. OK. Hold up hands and take some responsibility."
"I shouldn’t have gone out and started drinking with the boys."
"But we were having a quiet night."
"Then I’ve lost my boys, yeah?"
"Turns out I spoke to my boy today, yeah?"
"He’s ended up in the hospital. Yeah? Yeah."
"They found seven grams of ketamine in his system."
"Yeah? So I must have had the same."
"We’ve been spiked."
I was like, "You’ve been spiked with seven grams of ketamine?"
"Are you fucking...? Is that what you’re saying?"
He was like, "Yeah." I went, "Seven grams of ketamine?"
"Like a teaspoon and a half of ketamine."
Come on, mate.
I said, "Are you sure that’s... You’re gonna go with that?"
"Sure you haven’t just spent the money?"
He’s like, "No." "Where the fuck’s the money?"
Then he goes, "It’s the maddest thing, yeah?"
"After they spiked us, they’ve taken the bank card
out of the back of my phone and used the contactless
in the club to buy drinks."
I was like, "Fuck off. Really?"
"Bastards."
I went, "You’ve lost your bank card?" Right.
He knows he can’t say he’s lost his bank card
because he needs his bank card to get more money sent over.
So this is the genius, mate. This really is.
This must have took him an hour and 59 of the two hours.
Because this is special.
He goes. "No, here’s the maddest thing, though, yeah?"
"After they’ve run out of money on the card,
they’ve put it back in the back of my phone."
Fucking idiot. I was like, "Are you mental?"
"That’s the silliest shit I have ever heard in my entire life."
He’s going, "Yo, you’re saying you don’t believe me, bro?"
I went, "No, I don’t believe you, bro,
no, cos that makes no fucking sense at all, does it?"
"One, who is using 14g of ketamine
to steal 60 pounds off your bank card?"
"It’s not even cost effective, Ben."
I said, "Two, when I get home, I’m gonna buy 14g of ketamine
and we are gonna go into town together
and I’m gonna watch you try to slip that
into someone’s drink without them noticing."
"You watch their vodka turn into a fucking paste, dickhead."
He’s all upset. He was like,
"I can’t believe you’re saying this to me. I’ve been robbed."
I went, "You’re not even saying you’ve been robbed."
"You’re saying you’ve been borrowed."
Make no fucking sense.
You fucking idiot, man. Do you know what?
I’d have so much more respect for that lad
if he just held his hands up. and went, "Listen, right,
I know I promised that I wouldn’t go and get pissed,
but in my defence, I never thought you’d find out."
"My mates are giving me loads of shit on WhatsApp."
"I thought I’d just go for a couple,
no harm could be done. And then it was a laugh
so I thought a couple more can’t hurt
and that just got a bit out of hand."
"And then someone offered me something,
I thought it’d be funny, I had it, my head fell off."
Cos that... I go, "You know what?"
"You’re a dickhead and you put yourself in danger."
"But that is exactly what I would have done."
"That’s exactly, exactly what I would have done."
I can understand the logic of that.
Know what I mean, like, and that’s the thing.
That’s the thing, that’s the real difficulty
in being a parent.
Like, especially to teenagers. Parenting all kids is hard.
But at least with little ones you can blag it.
Like, they can’t see what a fuck up you are.
Like, older ones can see through your bullshit.
Especially me. As I’ve said already,
I’m all over the internet.
Me talking about doing DMT, magic mushrooms, MDMA.
Like, that lad who I’m talking about,
he’s been at a show in an arena
when I’m in front of about 10,000 people.
I told a very, very graphic story
about getting pegged by his mum on cocaine.
Can’t come back from that.
You can’t come back as a parent, you can’t come back from that.
I can’t sit him down after he’s heard me say that and go,
"Listen, mate, you need to be a more responsible adult."
He’d just be like, "Shut up,
you sniff coke and get bummed by my mum."
What’s your name? Jay, you all right?
You look like a good, fucking proper, solid fella.
You look like a proper nice guy. You know, reliable.
Like you got a proper job and you don’t fuck about.
You got a nice garden. You love to barbecue.
Yeah, man. He does.
He looks like he fucking does a heavy barbecue,
this guy. Yes.
My God, he’s got sides and everything, I love it.
- The umbrella... - Little umbrella comes out.
He’s got his little apron. Fucking love it.
What do you do, mate?
- Fuck all at the moment. - Don’t do nothing.
Did you choose to be unemployed, you retired or you just...
- Off sick. - You’re off sick.
Oh, shit. I’m sorry, mate. What’s up with you?
- I got a triple bypass. - You got a triple bypass?
Oh, fucking hell, man, stop barbecuing then, man.
Yeah.
Yeah. Too many burgers, that, son.
Wanna knock that one on the head.
Can’t even barbecue now, can you? On the salads.
- Sold it! - You sold it?
Get it out of there.
Just fucking on the water, juice fasting and shit.
What did you show? Is that when they go up your arm?
Up your arm and then open the little...
You getting your little tits out there for me?
No way.
I’m seeing some wrinkly tits today.
Is that you off work forever now
- or are you just off for a bit? - No, I’m off for three months.
You’re off for three months, and then you’re back.
What do you do?
- Make drugs. - You...
- You make drugs. - Make drugs legally.
You make drugs legally. Pharmacists.
Yeah.
And you couldn’t see your own heart attack coming, no?
Couldn’t get yourself on some blood thinners or something?
Oh, God. How long you two been together?
- 25 years. - 25 years in the game.
Lovely, that, isn’t it? What... Aww.
What’s your name?
- Tina. - Tina.
Where’d you meet back then?
- All those years ago. - In the pub.
In the pub. Old school.
No fucking about. None of that Tinder shit.
Yeah. Nah, nah, none of that shit back in the day.
Fucking right up there. Yo. You. Barbecue. Ours.
Heart attack...
Have you got life insurance? Have you, yeah?
Ah, you were nearly minted there, girl, weren’t you?
You got ten more years of this sweaty bastard on top of you.
You’ll just be lying here thinking, "You fuck,
I could have had half a million quid in the morgue."
- In Greece. - I had it spent and all.
You had it spent as well.
You were gonna buy a bigger barbecue.
You had action? You been shagging?
- Het’s actually better since. - He’s better shagging?
Oh, yeah. Cos you got blood flow now, haven’t you?
Yeah.
- Go, Jay. - Yes!
Oh, God. I don’t know.
I don’t know if I’m a good parent.
I don’t know if I’m a good person, to be honest.
I fucking do try. I do.
I really, honestly, like,
I have my kids first half of the week, every week.
I have my kids every week for half the week.
I had them Sunday to Wednesday
and then Wednesday through Saturday,
I’ll travel around doing shows.
My life Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I’ll get up,
I’ll do the school run.
I’ll have the day to myself normally, and I go back
and pick them up from school. It’s lovely. Right.
So I get up, I do the school run.
It’s a normal Monday. Right? Uneventful.
I went to the gym from the school.
I had a little workout, got back,
got back in the house about 12.
I had a couple of hours to myself.
Thought, "Ooh, I’ll have a little nap."
Love a little nap. I’m in my 40s. Now.
I feel no shame about this as well.
What better way to get me off to sleep?
I’m in the house on my own.
Big Jay knows while he’s been resting up, haven’t you, son?
How long after the fucking triple heart bypass
were fucking... crack one out?
Soon as you woke up from the anesthetic.
Just the...
Had a little me time, mate.
You know what? Makes me quite sad to think about it,
cos it’s been taken away from me.
I don’t know if you’ve got the same thing here.
Do you have to put your passport in for porn now?
Mate, have you heard this shit?
Like, back in the UK, they’ve made it so you can’t
get porn without putting your fucking passport in.
You have to upload your passport to watch porn
and people are fucking doing it.
And I can’t do it cos I’m too fucking famous, mate.
I can’t do it, mate.
I’m not doing it because people keep going at me.
"No, it’ll just be like a programme."
"It’ll be AI or something." I can’t trust that it’s AI.
I can’t trust that it’s not some fucking student
on fucking eight pound an hour
who’s going to get me fucking...
just fucking make me passport and a picture going,
"Can I have a wank, please?"
Fucking hell, mate.
Gone back to fucking having a wank
with your bank balance again. It’s fucking sad.
There’s nothing more decadent to a married man with kids
than a full-volume Pornhub wank.
It’s fucking delightful, mate, cos, like, you know what,
we are supposed to be,
alpha males are supposed to be in the jungle
hunting and shit with our hands.
And what we have been reduced to in modern society
is little quivering pussies skulking around in the shadows,
listening to low-volume porn.
Just... Just listening to Pornhub on one volume notch.
Sometimes you get a bit cheeky
and you put it to two volume notches,
but as soon as she goes, "Aah!" you panic,
you turn it back down.
But if there’s no one in the house, you have nothing to fear.
Volume right the way up, pants all the way off.
I’ll leave my t-shirt on. I am Winnie-the-Pooh-ing it.
I don’t give a fuck.
Get on the bed, legs akimbo.
Have a good go at it, Supreme grip.
Anyway, I had a little wank. Had a little nap.
Got me off to a very restful sleep.
Nom-nom-nom-nom. Alarm goes off.
Quarter to three I’m up, pants on, out the door
goes and picks me little lad up from school.
He comes out. "Had a nice day?"
"Can’t remember." He’s eight at the time, right?
So, anyone in here who’s had eight year olds,
who’s got an eight-year-old, back me up on this. Yeah.
You know, right, when they leave school, lunatics, aren’t they?
Understandably. Because he can’t, like, you can’t...
School’s boring as fuck. And they can’t wait to get out.
I understand it, poor kids stuck in there all day.
As soon as that bell goes, fuck off onto the playground.
Right. Especially where we live.
Because as rough as fuck. Fuck off, right?
So what happened was this school door opens
and, right, one of his little classmates, she runs out,
out the door too fast, and she runs past me
and she just clips her own heel and she goes fucking flying.
That’s not funny.
Just one evil bitch down here.
Everyone else going, oh, that’s quite serious.
She’s like, "Ha-ha-ha! Did she smash her face in?"
"That’s funny, that." Fucking horrible bastard.
Cos it’s a concrete playground.
It was concerning.
Know I mean? Poor kid’s got glasses. You’ve got glasses on.
You should be more concerned.
And honestly, right,
in possibly the greatest thing I have ever achieved,
and I mean this, this might be the best thing
I’ve ever achieved in my entire life. Genuinely.
Bar none. I mean, in my peripheral vision as well.
I want to clarify.
I just want to emphasise that, just because this is like
I’m looking at my lad here and she runs past me.
She goes... she clips it here, goes flying.
Concrete playground, little glasses on,
could smash you face in, could be scarred for life.
And I didn’t think I just reacted and I just went,
fuck off.
And I caught her. Yeah.
About that far away from the floor.
Honestly, it was that incredible,
I didn’t check she was OK.
I just looked around and waited for applause.
It was fucking phenomenal, mate. It was unbelievable.
And I stood up and everyone on the playground
was looking at me like, in awe, going, "Fucking hell, mate."
And I didn’t want to be a prick about it.
So I’m like, I’m playing it down then.
I go, "No, it’s what anyone would have done,
it’s what anyone would have done."
"Anyone would have done the same thing."
"I’m just happy I was close enough."
"Any of you would have reacted in the same way."
But in my head I was like, "That was fucking incredible, Paul."
"Incredible, mate."
"None of these fat, spongy cunts could have done that."
"That was absolutely unbelievable, mate."
"I hope there’s CCTV on in this playground
because that’s getting on the news."
"That was some superhero shit, you know?"
I felt I felt amazing, I felt amazing
walking out I’m strutting out of school.
Felt great, gets my lad in the car, in the school car park,
strutting around the car, cock of the school, chest out,
making eye contact with mums
when they look at me going, "Did you hear what happened?"
"What happened? The little girl, yeah?"
"She could have been scarred for life,
don’t want to think about it. It’s mad."
"Yeah, that was me. That. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no."
"It’s what anyone would have done."
"Anyone would have done the same thing."
"I’m just happy I was close."
"Sometimes just the hero inside. You don’t know it’s there."
Felt amazing. I’m sorry. I’m like,
I’ve had some great feelings in my life, I really have.
I’m blessed to have had some amazing feelings,
and this tops them all.
I felt so good about myself to the point
where I got in my car and I’m...
I’m a bit ashamed to admit this.
I was I was giving myself a pep talk.
I was talking to myself in the rearview mirror.
I had to give myself a little pep talk before I could drive.
I was looking at myself going, "Do you know what, Paul?"
"You don’t give yourself enough credit sometimes, son."
"You really fucking don’t, mate,
you talk yourself down on stage
and you talk yourself down in person."
"What just happened on the playground,
that shows the true content of your character."
"That little girl, she could have been scarred for life
and you stepped in. No one else stepped in."
"And that shows what type of a man you are."
"You are a good person, and you do doubt that sometimes."
"And you tell people that you don’t think you are,
but you obviously are
because of what just happened on the playground."
"So I don’t want you to ever doubt that again."
"I want you to walk through this life knowing
what type of man you are."
"You are a good person, Paul. You are a good person."
And then I went to put my seatbelt on.
I had a line of jizz from there to there.
Like, a full line of jizz, mate.
A full line of semen on my arm. Still there in a perfect line.
Still tacky. Tacky, tacky, Evelyn, tacky semen.
Moist semen glistening on my arm in a perfect line.
How is that possible after two hours in bed?
How is that still here?
I don’t even know how it got there in the first place,
if I’m honest, I am 43 years of age.
My jizz has not traveled that far in 20 fucking years.
I swear. I’m happy if it gets past my fucking thumbnail, mate.
I would struggle to get jizz there if I wanked upside down.
Oh, no, I couldn’t...
I couldn’t even understand what it was.
I was looking at it going, "What the fuck is that?"
Oh, no, that’s not jizz. That’s not jizz.
That’s not jizz.
Oh, fuck you. That’s not jizz.
That’s not jizz. No, no.
You’ve gotta be sure.
And I panicked. I just rubbed it in.
What are you gonna do?
You’re on a school car park with jizz on your arm,
you can’t just fucking leave it there.
And then the dread set in.
Cos I realised everyone was looking at me on the playground.
I was like, oh, my God.
Everyone was looking at you on the playground
and you had a big fucking line of jizz on your arm.
This is the worst thing ever. You can never come back here.
And then I thought, no, no one must have seen it
because you’d think someone, someone would go, "Excuse me."
"Is that, is that, is that, is that,
is that, is that, is that, is that jizz on your arm?"
But then I thought, "They wouldn’t."
Some of them mums are bitches, mate.
They won’t say fuck all.
They’ll just start a WhatsApp group,
they’ll start a fucking WhatsApp group.
And I’m sat in the car convinced of what’s happening.
"There’s a WhatsApp group, a WhatsApp group
and I’m the only person not in it
and it’s called Paul Jizzy Arm."
"Fuck! My life’s over and I can never come back here."
And now I’m rehearsing a horrible mental conversation
where I’ve got to explain to my poor son
who loves that school, he’s got loads of mates,
why he can never go back.
He won’t understand. He’ll think it’s his fault.
He’ll be like, "Why, Daddy, I miss all my friends."
And I’d be like, "Cos I had an accident, OK?"
And then I realised I was overreacting a little bit
cos I got off lightly if anything, me.
Cos fuck me, that could have been bad.
Like, the situation I’m in there.
I’m stood there, I’m picking my little lad up from school.
Some little kid just running too fast,
no one’s fault, accident, clips her own heel,
goes flying, concrete playground.
Little glasses on, could smash your face in,
could be scarred for life. And I didn’t think.
I just reacted and I stepped in
and I stopped that from happening.
And that absolutely has to be the morally correct thing to do.
I can’t see how it couldn’t be. But she landed there.
I was an inch away from peeling that child off my arm
like fucking Spider-Man.
And then what? Would that have made it
the wrong thing to have done?
Should I have let her hit the floor and be scarred for life
because the fucking police have turned up.
Is this your semen in this child’s hair?
And you can’t say, "No, mate."
You can’t say no because they’re gonna do a DNA test.
And if you say no and it turns out it is on a DNA test,
that just looks well worse, doesn’t it?
You’d have to stand there on the playground
in front of everyone and just hold your hand up and go,
"Yes, officer,
I think that is my semen in the child’s hair."
"But I’m really sorry. I didn’t know it was there."
"I had a little wank this afternoon,
I had Pornhub on full volume,
I must have got a bit too excited."
But they’re not gonna take that as an excuse.
Are they fuck? You’re getting handcuffed,
you’re getting marched off the playground.
Everyone’s filming it. Trial by social media.
You’re guilty before you can get in the fucking car, mate.
It’s all over Twitter and Instagram and TikTok.
Paedophile Paul Smith jizzes in a child’s hair.
Your life’s over, mate.
You’ll never be able to walk the streets again ever again.
Ever again. That’s if you’ve got a chance to as well,
because you fucking wouldn’t.
You’d never, ever, you’d never walk the streets again
cos they wouldn’t let you.
They’d throw the book at you. That’s me.
I’m sat in my car imagining myself
walking onto the nonce wing day one,
day one of a 20-year stretch, thinking,
"How the fuck did this happen?"
"What an absolute whirlwind."
"I had the Lamborghini, I was doing a world tour, and now
I’m in the nonce wing just cos I wanted a little wank
in the afternoon. And tried to be a fucking hero."
Dublin.
When they told me they would let me film a special
and asked me where they wanted to do it,
this just, this was the first place.
I said I couldn’t imagine anywhere better to do it
than this place. You’re beautiful people
and it’s just fucking been incredible.
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate you all coming.
Thank you so much. I hope you’ve enjoyed it.
I’ll see you all again on the next one.
Good night, everyone.